#its been much much worse before lol
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it's okay i can take my time this is a leisure activity vs give me my fucking dopamine NOW
#we r deep in the wip at this point and im experiencing fic finish dopamine withdrawals 🫠🫠#if i keep going at the current pace there's approximately 4 or 5k left of this one#which considering i am 7.5k in rn is not THAT bad#its been much much worse before lol#i think i am just a leetle fic fatigued with it yk#like i set out to write a cute little 3k snackette#and its absolutely monstered me#if i come up with smth cool i might do another wip post just for fun today
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gonna go get the new covid booster tomorrow ya girls gonna feel like SHIT
#stupid rant is stupid#yeehaw#i mean like hopefully i wont feel like shit for too long#we'll see lmfao ugh#better do my chores and cleaning today and tomorrow before i crash#also for my new people#i am a case where my body had decided to make me feel like covid when i get the shots#like the second shot of the first wave of vaccines put me down 5 days lol#that time has since reduced but its been a year since my last booster#so#mmmm#trepidation lol#but i would much rather feel like shit for a few days than make my current problems worse with getting sick or long covid
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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getting back on my drawing slowly but surely ^^ here's an aleena
#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sth aleena#aleena the hedgehog#sorta vent in tags but its more rambling TDLR i got injured right after the other stuff lol :sob:#just a tw for xacto knives & vomitting#I probably would have gotten back sooner but I ended up having a pretty nasty accident with an Xacto knife#design students remember your xacto safety and dont end up like me#my mom says it's probably because I was distracted with other events so I wasn't paying as much attention as i should have#you always feel like they're overreacting about safety till you end up in an accident :skull:#or well#Ive been cut before with Xactos but they weren't from cutting straight against a ruler and not realizing your finger is in the way#they were mostly because of how I'd accidentally push my finger too close to the back of the knife#and circles#“Go fast with a lot of pressure” - my design teacher's instructions on straight lines... yeah. I did that.#It's kinda crazy though cause I've gotten worse injuries but HOLY FUCK#Like yeah. Spraining my ankles hurt... burns hurt... that time my elbow just decided to be unbearably painful for no reason#that last one still confuses me cause what the hell??? anyways this time was just#an actual ridiculous amount of pain for what it was#I threw up 5 times from the pain all at once... which has only ever happened before with the elbow thing#at least this was an actual reason. unlike the elbow... which I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP AND IT WAS SEARING PAIN LIKE WHAT THE HELL????#anyways#Now that it doesnt hurt as bad it's kinda neat to look at#and think about in hindsight cause it bled a lot :sob:
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This post is not an invitation for sinophobia piss off
God hanfu spaces can be so vile 💀 using 'manchu' and 'dog' so interchangeably is crazy, reason 10339405060 why I never look into the comments of Twitter posts abt hanfu
#diary#hater tag#stop oppression complexing we've been at the bottom of the hierarchy for a century and were at the bottom before qing as well#i try to keep this in private but you can only see ur ppl called so many slurs before getting irritated#also han women continued wearing hanfu into qing+ hanfu is better preserved than many ethnic minority clothing histories but whatever#i dont want to incite sinophobia but if i have to see 1 more person pretending theyre so kind for treating us minorities so fucking well#lol#as someone w plenty of experience of racism both back home in the mommyland and in c*nada#oh my god lol i keep quiet and struggle against sinophobia as much as i can but it feels like im defending ppl who see me as dirt sometimes#my tags have spiraled and arent rlly abt manchu anymore ngl 😨 my worst experiences at home have been wrt being hui and muslim lolol#since manchu are sinicized basically only terminally online pplare haters#anyways i might delete this later but ive kept quiet as much as i can for a long time and its getting frustrating#also hui and manchu are aggressively sinicized so the way i know less sinicized minorities have it even worse than my familyand i lol
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letterboxd app apparently has added video ads bc i tried to view my activity and got hit with a 15 second unskippable ad... and deleted the entire app within 10 seconds of encountering this...
#no we are not playing this game lol.#i have even been considering getting a subscription to the site for a while now that i have a job and at least some extra income#but um. I'm not going to do it now bc i can't let them think this was a good move to make people buy adfree.#avpost#like i tolerated the banner ads but i draw the line at being unable to open any page in the app without sitting through a 15 second video.#i was like *tries to click someones review of a movie but gets stopped by a video ad for plex* huh that's weird i must have misclicked smth#*restarts app and clicks activity tab and gets stopped by the same ad* ah. well we arent doing this shit *uninstalls immediately*#i mean before the app for years i used lbxd exclusively in my firefox browser so its only a mild inconvenience to go back to that 🤷#im more worried about this as a bad sign from management of a website that i like. like is it about to get so much worse?#i love it im so happy to be on the internet in this. the corporate slop era. the inescapable advertising era.#i love that you can't watch youtube without 2 minute ad breaks anymore i love that every site has embedded video ads that stop your music.#i love that no matter what it is they're going to break it with ads and then sell you back an ad free version after they ruined it
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...
#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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ate a big breakfast this morning and took my meds when I got to work so an hour later than usual let's see if this makes a difference
#might just mean the crash hits an hour later today we'll see#if it doesnt help then tmr maybe ill take it half an hour before i eat just to see if that affects how i absorb it or smth#i just gotta get to saturday.. i can play around with it a little bit#im a little tired my sleeps felt weird the last few days. also woke up early and tried to get back to sleep but kept having scary dreams#abt various Creatures.. ah!!#and im def coming down with a mild cold my nose has been stuffy n my hearings worse than usual :-( but ill survive#just gotta make it to this evening.... we r watching titane btw >:)#yesterday we almost watched another weird pregnancy movie LOL but i thought 2 nights inna row might be a bit much#i do still wanna see it tho.. ik roommate was gonna watch it this week anyway maybe ill ask if she would mind me joining#its called good manners btw. 2017 portuguese lesbian werewolf movey..#anyway gotta get some work done sigh.. see yall later if i make it out alive#.diaries
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they dont tell u this but u become well-adjusted and u find meds that work and u engage in hobbies and again and u dont actually feel better. it doesnt actually make u feel okay.
#i love wellbutrin tho#idk#at least i listen to the magnus archives and watch the x files#idk the meds keep making me so much more driven to kms lol#lexapro was worse#like wellbutrin is so mild#ive definitely been closer off meds before#but ive also definitely been further off meds lol so. who knows#i think this is the best its gonna get tho and im happy w this#ill go to therapy i guess#whenever i can
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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Nooo the trans allegory is also a Big one for me in that song, but I know not everybody is about Trans Aoki so I figured it went well with his disabilities regardless. And like yeah blah blah basic whatever, idc y'know, I'm here to enjoy life so imma listen to music people don't like 😂🤣
But you're so real for the trans Aoki thoughts okay.... I love both cis and trans interpretations of the Boy bc he's fits very well in both categories. It's all just spice y'know!! You sprinkle some of this... Some of that... And tomorrow you make a new dish! Love moving head canons around for funsies
Anyway ty for validating my music choices 🫡 good luck charging your phone
i dont really hc charas any particular sexuality or gender since i always feel weird about it its called being BORING its what I AM but its the way i was playin y7 and just kept jokin bout it every time the game gave me a chance until the very last scene then i was just like.. hm... feels less like a joke to me now... its just what my eyes perceive at this point.. sorry...
but i got you covered with music choices man !!!! i like most music even if it can be considered 'overplayed' or 'generic' like idk man... if it makea me feel ima listen to it..
#snap chats#love how i forgot the Eyes lyrics to Body when it's deadass the first line.. STUPID ASS !!!!!!!#but anyways. yeah it been a hot year since i talked bout trans aoki LMAO#honestly if it wasnt for the fact i saw korean artists draw aoki with top scars (and specifying they were TS scars) then id prob just like#be quiet about it. cause most of the time i was just jokin like the whole injections bit and his voice being hoarse in eng#and nasally in jp... lol.... the jokes were being lined up for me... and then he went and changed his name#and got surgery that made him feel more at home in his body... LIKE THEY PROVIDE NON-TRANS REASONS WHY HE DOES THIS#I KNOW but thats why i just kept /jokin/ bout it cause i was like 'lmao' yk. Lmao congrats your accidental trans rep is republican#AND THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY TO HC HIM AS TRANS CAUSE HE SUCKS !!!!! i want more shitty people as trans rep#im p sure im the only one who 'openly' hcs him trans but not even. like i remember twitter was Allegedly mad at me for drawing aoki a lot#and they made a point bout me makin him trans but like... i never even 'publicly' made him trans..#when i'd draw aoki without a shirt i'd give him scars but those were from his lung surgery.. lmao...#not my fault the scars look Like That... cause i like drawing scars leave me alone...#my DB followers know i was obsessed with drawing yamcha's leg scar from when his leg was broken#Truly just a coincidence but also not cause it Was lowkey intentional but anyways.. lol...#i remember the period where people were askin me bout the hc.. hehe...#My Apologies for going on the Trans Aoki rant i still do very much like to joke bout it with myself.... it was too real to me...#every time i think of The Specifics i start to get like 👁️👁️ because then it gets too real so i gotta stop before i start crying....#it's not that the HC is personal or deep to me or anything it's just funny <- in denial for the bit#anyway.. i havent been able to be productive all day so !! time to start i have a really hectic week and its only getting worse (╯▽╰ )#thanks for letting me ramble... and feel validated for being delulu...#lowkey funny that While True you said not everyone's about the HC Which Is True it's why i dont talk about it a lot#but like... Not To Be Presumptuous And Self-Important but i do remember being one o the first people to bring it up with other aoki fans..#imagine me not being abot my own hc.. or at least one i stand heavily by... lmao..
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one of these days im going to sit down and have a hard think abt 9/11 and how that fits in w resident evil
#speakerphone!#i chip away at this thought occasionally.#i have no brain power now. head empty#but also 👁👁 the this affects everyone obvs esp the main characters of the series#like terrasave is what? a humanitarian aid org that specializes in helping ppl affected by bioterrorism yeah?#and thats nice but humanitarian groups can be exploitative (not that i think claire specifically would b apart of that but being realistic)#and then theres leon. which. lol. lmao if you will. i dont even know what to say but blackmail does not exempt him from the shit the gov#put him up to. ill tell you that much.#bsaa is a sanctioned u.n. paramilitary and i always that when talking abt them bc. thats important. and though theyre not dogs like leon#its still important to mention bc the u.s. is ofc part of the u.n. so. also lol#also they were in penamstan w a virus BEFORE 9/11 which means they were absolutely doing way worse AFTER#and then there's ada. who really isnt that affected by this#i suppose travel is a bitch but shes got connections. i suppose shedbe more on the united states ass because theyre doing what theyre doing#and omg as i was typing this i realized presidents daughter being kidnapped must have been quite the media event in terms of speculation#as it gives news outlets a way to peddle propaganda (until they find oug it was spain)#anyways.#i guess i did have the brain power to think abt this.#maybe i will think abt it again 🤔
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Few features as useless as spotifys dont play this artist one bc theyll still recommend them to you no matter what like, yeah spotify you really nailed my music taste suggesting me grimes and pwr bttm. Wonder if there is a reason i havent listened to them since like undergrad
#on the flip side afaik based on the last time i checked the 'hide this somg' absolutely sends it to he depths of hell#and they seemingly got rid of the list of hidden songs that used to exist lol#personal#its the corollary to the fact that discover weekly has gotten so much worse over the years its almost a guarantee that unless ove gotten#Real Weird with my listening habits it will have one or two songs ive listened to before on spotify itself#or from artists im already super familiar with#fortunately i have been real weird w my listening habits lately#so i actually thought to check it the past like two weeks and found some neat stuff#however i missed checking it during my peak weird stuff listening earlier in the month#so i def missed on some cool strange shit#but regardless lol#anyways spotify is obvi much worse for a lot of reasons#these are just minor gripes
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i am completely talking out of my ass here, but i have a strong suspicion that there were some massive changes in the house md writers room in s7. tbf im only 3 episodes in but it is REALLY different tonally so far… but because the episodes are still following roughly the same kinda formula they always have i almost didnt notice ? anyway we watched ep3 and the writing is leaning in HEAVY on being really really fucking corny. just cheesy as all hell. corn and cheese fucking episode.
#i dont know its just like#whenever we had more sentimental bits in seasons prior#it felt like it meant more or something#like this stuff is ringing ESPECIALLY hollow for me#honestly the writing in this show has never been consistent in any sense of the word#and sometimes downright terrible#but before now i still found it engaging for the most part#i think i need to stop pining after seasons past and start just#taking this as it is? assuming the writing doesnt either get much better or worse#im taking this shit way too personally LOL#house md#edit: ok i said sentimental in the second tag and i think thats probably the wrong word#im referring specifically to the go-cart scene#which i guess is just more? lighthearted? sure
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