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cluster-b-culture-is · 1 year ago

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hey!!! if its ok i’d like you’re thoughts on something ig and to sorta ask you something

so im bodily 15 atm, and i have cptsd. when i look at posts regarding certain cluster b experiences (possibly some cluster c aswell) i relate a LOT (obviously im not saying that bc i relate that i have these disorders, i just kinda have a feeling that *something* is going on). its tricky bc i keep looking into things and i cant really find an answer. i also dont know if im too young and that its just because im a teenager.

i wont get into like what “symptoms” i experience rn bc i feel like thats a whole other conversation but yeah.

i hope i dont sound like one of those people that are like “i must have x bc i related to a silly video i saw” im just really confused and i feel like something aint right

i know you’re probably not professionals so feel free to delete or ignore this if its too much, but if not, what do you think?

So, here's the thing (and we will attempt to avoid being patronizing): It is absolutely correct that your age and emotional/psychological development can affect things, and that the process of development can cause things that look like mild symptoms. It's also correct that that combined with c-ptsd (and any other disorders you may have; you'd be surprised how many symptoms and comorbidities autism, ADHD, NPD, and BPD all share) can make it extremely hard to determine where your symptoms are coming from and whether there might be something more.

(You're also correct that we are not professionals; this is all coming from our own research and personal experiences, so as with everything, take this with a grain of salt.)

However. I would argue that it would be far more harmful to deny any possibility of having a personality disorder until you reach some arbitrary age threshold than it would be to say that you do have a PD. Especially if looking at your life experiences through the lens of having a PD is helpful, and if resources for pw/[x]PDs are helpful to you. Even if you don't end up having a PD, that doesn't mean you were just a hormonal stupid teenager refusing to listen to the Adults™ or whatever the fuck--it means that you looked at your experiences, found something that seemed similar, and it turned out that you were wrong; but hopefully, along the way, you found things that were helpful.

Under the assumption that you have done a lot of research, I would personally recommend saying that you have traits of a particular disorder as opposed to saying you have the full disorder, and that is to two ends: one, a lot of adults with PDs (especially in ASPD spaces, if that's one of the disorders you're looking at) will kick your shit to hell and back if you even insinuate that you think you may have the full disorder (which I think is extremely counterintuitive if we want teenagers to understand their experiences and, yknow, not develop a full-blown personality disorder, regardless of whether you think teenagers can have a full personality disorder); and two, it might help you target the specific symptoms that you're experiencing without saddling you with the belief[/knowledge] that you have an incredibly stigmatized and lifelong disorder.

A lot of this stuff depends on a few things: (A) what your symptoms are (and if they can be better explained by other things, especially other things you know you have); (B) how severe your symptoms are (like the difference between being generally grouchy versus being actively hostile); and (C) how long your symptoms have lasted (if they only started popping up in the past few months or the past year versus if you've had them for years and years).

If you end up not having a personality disorder, anon, I think it will still be better for you in the long run to explore the possibility instead of shrugging it off under the excuse that you're "too young". It could turn out that you never had the disorder and it really was something else, it could turn out that you have traits but not the full disorder, or, hell, it could turn out that, by using resources and support you found by being part of communities surrounding PDs, you ended up not developing the full PD (even if you may still have a few traits)--because, at this age, you are still developing, and you are changing a lot, and very little is set in stone when it comes to these types of things--and you should absolutely take advantage of that! And even then, speaking from a more selfish perspective, it will never be a bad thing for more people to understand what it may be like to have a personality disorder.

For a bit of actionable advice on determining whether or not you may have one, though:

(1) Do your research. Obviously it's great that you're getting information from people with the disorders themselves by looking at PD communities; however, not everything having to do with the disorder will be talked about, and quite honestly, Tumblr is a terrible place to find definitive information on the PDs. Life experience? Yes. Actual information looking at how the disorders work and what they can entail in full? Ehhh, not quite. Look at a variety of academic sources, but in the same vein, keep your wits about you--professionals aren't immune to ableism, and may often perpetuate it with glee. Some of it may be obvious, some of it might not be.

(2) Keep an eye on your symptoms--make a manual check against the actual criteria every once in a while (but keep in mind that the DSM is also deeply flawed and biased); @shitborderlinesdo has a ton of checklists based on the DSM and individual testimony that can help. We first started questioning ASPD when we were 14, and we'd do those kinds of manual checks once every several months or once a year or so. It both helps you understand what your symptoms are, and helps you keep track of how you're doing over time. Don't use online quizzes for this; quite honestly, they're not really good for anything except validation if you know you'll get a high score.

(3) Look at stuff other than personality disorders, too, and try to figure out why your interest skews towards specific disorders. For a long ass time, we believed we had StPD and did our absolute best to ignore any information to the contrary, because (due to our symptoms) if it wasn't StPD, the only thing it could be otherwise was schizophrenia, and we were scared shitless of the idea; at first because we were scared of the idea that our symptoms might've been so severe, but eventually because we were afraid to admit that we were wrong. (As I've said before, no shame in being wrong--do as I say, not as I do.)

Ultimately, I can't stop you from doing anything, and I can't force you to do anything either. I'm just a mentally ill guy with an internet connection. My life experiences have led me to this conclusion, and others may disagree with it--that's perfectly fine. Again, I am not a professional. You know yourself and your experiences the best, and I think by this point, you have enough understanding of yourself and the world to be able to figure out what'll be best for you and your health, given that you have the proper resources to do so. You are a being with life experience, even if it's less than others may have; you aren't a rock, and you aren't a three year old who still hasn't realized that touching the lit stove will equal a burned finger. I personally think that the way a lot of folks go about talking to and about teenagers who think they may have personality disorders is, frankly, infantilizing and invalidating, and it just ends up with traumatized and unsupported teenagers turning into traumatized and unsupported adults, with the added bonus of an extra helping of imposter syndrome to top it all off.

I hope you're doing well anon, and I hope you see this (sorry for responding so late lmao). Off into the world ye may go, hopefully with a bit more knowledge and idea of what to do next than you had before.

#not cluster b culture #Mod Reef #anonymous #unqueued #this got way longer than intended. oops

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raveneira · 1 year ago

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Hola amiga. Me alegra mucho saludarte y escribirte.

Cómo ya sabrás me gustan muchísimo tus análisis, me siento muy contenta cada vez que los leo, por eso estoy aquí pidiendo que nos hables sobre lo que piensas que pasará con sarada cuando descubra que sasuke está mal. Y también que nos hables de lo que piensas de la última interacción que tuvo kawasara, que te pareció?

Espero no ser inoportuna. Te mando un abrazo. Gracias por tus escritos.

No no its ok you didnt do anything wrong, I dont mind answering questions lol and Im glad you like my analysis, I appreciate your positive feedback so thank you.

As for what I think Sarada might do when she discovers Sasuke is wrong [thats what google translated it as] I think you mean when she discovers he's been turned into a tree? if so then I think she'll be pretty worried but she wont blame Boruto or have any anger towards him because this writing ALWAYS has to make her just so understanding and forgiving towards him about EVERYTHING but NOT others because this manga forgot that her idol was Naruto and she literally said she wanted to be like him, someone people can rely on who she'll reach out to and save the way Naruto saved her, but again this manga done forgot that character trait unfortunately.

So what do I think is gonna happen? she'll be shocked and upset but wont blame Boruto and instead blame herself for sending her dad off with him which got him into this situation because of her selfish request, which may open the door FINALLY for some big character development because this is NOT the first time her selfishness and recklessness has resulted in somebody else getting hurt.

So maybe this might be the time for Sarada to get some long overdue character development as she finally realizes her actions, or more correctly, LACK of action has consequences, and that when she jumps in or makes requests without thinking long term about the consequences or even if its a good idea to begin with, she's gotta deal with the consequences of it which more often than not will be negative.

Boruto no longer has his eye because of her, Sasuke has been turned into a tree unconscious while a 10 tails tree clone of him is eventually gonna try and kill them all because of her, HER CHOICES caused this outcome, the only positive that came out of something she did so far was saving Boruto's life, but at what cost? she saved Boruto at the cost of her father, she 'protected' Boruto at the cost of his eye because he ended up protecting her instead, do you see the pattern here? so hopefully seeing her father as a tree finally gives her a wake up call that she NEEDS to do better going forward and actually THINK before she does things instead of just acting in the moment without any thought of how things could go wrong.

Naruto was headstrong and reckless too, but he never caused THIS type of bad shit to happen as a result of his recklessness because even HE used his brain somewhat before he acted. The worst hes done was willingly let Kurama take over to attack Orochimaru for taking Sasuke which resulted in him attacking Sakura and giving her a really bad wound, which when told he caused this what do you think he did? he never let Kurama take over like that again and vowed to rely on his own strength so he would NEVER cause harm to anyone else like that ever again.

Sarada unfortunately has not learned that lesson yet which she should've when she made Boruto lose his eye but I digress...maybe this development was saved for the timeskip so lets see if she finally gets it after seeing what happened to her dad, only time will tell.

Now onto how I feel about the KawaSara interaction this chapter...well Im gonna be brutally honest, I dont HATE it but I dont love it either and its not even because the interaction itself was bad nah I actually like their little rivalry they have right now, it adds spice and an obstacle Kawaki has to deal with but also the one person [besides Sumire] he doesnt have to watch his words with and can just be himself with. But let me get my gripes out of the way first and then I'll go into the positives.

My gripe with the interaction is Sarada's attitude and dialogue because it just makes her look both stupid and petty for no danm reason

First off shes telling them to confirm with Ada about what happened, why is she let alone ANYONE treating Ada as a reliable source when she didnt even warn them about Code's ambush? when she didnt even send Daemon out to fight him which is LITERALLY the whole reason their all even letting them stay there? lets not forget that Ada can easily just LIE about anything she wants like she did about Boruto killing Naruto, they literally have specialized ninja that they KNOW are trustworthy who actually DO work for them that they could ask to verify Sarada's story by peeking into her brain but no she chooses to reccomend asking Ada for confirmation, thats dumbass moment number 1.

Her remark about Kawaki being Otsutsuki too was just plain PETTY for no danm reason, and stupid as hell in this context because Boruto has Momo inside of him [pause] actively trying to take him over so he can kill Kawaki, make a divine tree, destroy all life on the planet to make a chakra fruit so he can eat it and become a god, SHE KNOWS THIS

Yet shes comparing that to Kawaki who doesnt have Isshiki looming over him threatening to take over at any time, he simply has his powers, and with his powers he wants to wipe out ALL OTHER OTSUTSUKI WHO ARE ACTUAL THREATS TO THE WORLD and that INCLUDES Boruto since he DOESNT HAVE CONTROL OVER MOMOSHIKI AND HE IS SHOWN SEVERAL TIMES ABLE TO TAKE OVER BORUTO WHENEVER HE WANTS UNDER THE RIGHT CONDITIONS, so her comment here was just petty, which made Kawaki's response all the more depressing.

He explains to her that he's an Otsutsuki that kills Otsutsuki and that his power only exists to do that, and once he wipes them all out he'll gladly die, but until then he will do whatever it takes, and she has ZERO reaction to this and just says she wont let him do what he wants as a shinobi who aims to be Hokage 🤦‍♀️ like everything he said literally went in one ear and out the other GIRL BYE.

He's literally calling her out on her stupidity and she doesnt even catch it, she was petty pretty much saying well if all Otsutsuki are enemies are enemies that should be killed doesnt that include you, and his response is yea it does and I fully intend to die with all the rest of em but not till I get them first, and she just...she just doesnt even hear that.

You'd think there'd atleast be a pause like 'danm I didnt mean for you to actually agree to that' but nah she just moved past that like he didnt even say it and is just like 'I wont let you do what you want' when thats literally what hes been doing for 3 years straight while she's been getting nothin but ignored 😭 seriously this writing hates her so much because who tf really thought this was good dialogue for her? this only works if she was actually DOING something to hinder Kawaki in some way, which she hasnt, so she just looks goofy and unserious.

But thats it for my gripes, now for my positives.

For starters I like how this confrontation resembles their one back in chapter 28 when they first really interacted and they became friends

I love how even though the subject their arguing about is different, the paneling is still the same, Sarada appearing behind Kawaki and calling him out for doing something wrong despite not knowing all the details, Kawaki turning around and getting in her face to tell her off, and the Hokage stopping it from before it gets ugly and they both settle down as their told.

What I like about this is that when you look at these scenes side by side you can see the development between then and now, back then Kawaki had ZERO respect for Sarada, called her an asshole and basically told her to mind her business while yelling in her face.

Now Kawaki doesnt snap at her at all, the roles are actually reversed now to where Sarada is the one being more hostile than he is. Kawaki, unlike before, doesnt just shut her down and tell her to mind her business, but he actually takes time to explain to her when he really doesnt have to. See here.

Kawaki says does he really have to say this again? meaning they have had this conversation before more than once, so he has no reason to repeat himself anymore than he already has and could easily have brushed her off without saying a thing or just simply told her to shut up and butt out but he didnt.

Instead he takes time to not only repeat himself, but breaks down in detail EXACTLY what his motivations are, why hes doing this, and that he fully intends to die for all he's done by the end of this. Just like before, he gets in her face, but its nowhere near as aggressive as in 28 where he was actually being intimidating, but here he's relaxed, talking calm, and looking her in the eye, and responding to what she said, rather than ignoring it completely and just yelling at her to shut up.

Why is that significant? because his last line really hits home when you realize the subtext and see how meaningful it is.

Think about this for a second, for 3 years now everyone has been brainwashed into thinking he's Boruto, have been treating him like Boruto, have remembered him as Boruto, have been looking at him, talking to him, loving/respecting him AS BORUTO.

Sarada is the ONLY person [lets leave Sumire out of this cuz we havent seen them interact yet] who treats Kawaki AS Kawaki, the only one who when she's talking to him she's talking to KAWAKI, when shes thinking of him shes thinking of KAWAKI, when she looks at him she sees KAWAKI, anyway she treats him she is treating him as KAWAKI.

This may not seem significant on the surface but lemme put it into a little more perspective.

This is what Kawaki has had to deal with every, single, day, for 3 years straight since Omnipotence happened. Kawaki never WANTED or ASKED for ANY of this, but no matter how hard he tried everything just kept going more and more to shit because of him, but atleast back then he still had his own identity, but now? everyday is a whole new kind of hell he has to endure that wont go away no matter how much he rejects it.

Just before Omnipotence Kawaki said what he really felt about himself, what he saw himself as, and thats what makes this situation he's in now so hellish, because to Kawaki he's a nobody, an outsider that nobody would mourn if he died, he tells Ada to use her all seeing eye to look at him and see him for the powerless piece of garbage that he is.

This is what he thinks of himself, now lets see what he thinks of Boruto and then it'll all make sense.

Kawaki puts Boruto on a pedastal similar to Naruto but not nearly as strong obviously, but the point is, Kawaki sees Boruto as someone who NOBODY WILL BE WILLING TO KILL, as someone nobody would even CONSIDER killing regardless of the threat he poses, as the HOKAGES SON literally NOBODY would EVER turn against him, and NOBODY would ever even think of killing him knowing the consequences of nobody ever forgiving them for it.

Keywords to pay attention to here

He's the Hokage's son! Lord 7ths son!

Who in Konoha could kill him? the Hokages son?

An act that would turn all your friends into foes! who'd ever agree to take on such a task?

Why'd it have to be him!?

Kawaki emphasizes Boruto being 'The Hokage's son' several times, but I want you to pay attention to how he says 'Lord 7ths son' as well, remember chapter 60? Naruto officially claims Kawaki as his son, even if not on paper, Kawaki was just as much his son as Boruto now.

But look at how Kawaki percieves it, HE doesnt see himself as Naruto's son at all and sadly Naruto didnt do a good job convincing him, because when he mercy killed Boruto BY HIS REQUEST Naruto did NOT stand by him and kept his distance, acting awkward around him, and even sounding forced when he tried to give the 'everyone is family to the Hokage' speech which alone right there showed the distance between them now, because in chapter 60 Kawaki was his son, in 69 he's the same as any other villager and believe me, Kawaki felt that and thats why none of his attempts at reassuring him worked because he knew it wasnt entirely genuine and that he indeed held some resentment towards Kawaki for what he did, that Kawaki clearly was nowhere near the same importance as Boruto and that in the end Naruto would turn his back on Kawaki before he ever would Boruto no matter WHAT hes done or will do.

Am I dragging Naruto? no, obviously his bond with his biological son will be stronger than the one with his adopted one hes only known less than a year. But I will say when has that ever stopped Naruto before? he only really bonded with Iruka for a year before the timeskip and he viewed him like a father, he only interacted and bonded with Sasuke for a year and he considered him a brother he was willing to go to hell and back for, he knew Gaara for less than a year and he was IN TEARS when he heard the Akatsuki had attacked and killed him and nearly beat Deidara to death so bad Kakashi had to use the seal to calm him down before he went full Kurama mode.

So keep in mind while I do understand where Naruto is coming from as a parent, I still have to point out the inconsistency with his character because blood ties have NEVER mattered to him but it was always the BONDS he felt with the people themselves, whether short lived or long, Naruto always clung to those bonds WITH HIS LIFE and he instills this very message into Sarada in Gaiden, yes, the same Naruto in the sequel now, not past young Naruto like people try to argue saying 'he grew up' cuz no, this is grown parent of two kids Naruto preaching the EXACT SAME MINDSET.

So yeah, Im calling out the inconsistency with his character in the sequel because THIS IS HOW KISHIMOTO WROTE HIM EVEN IN THE PRESENT ERA its literally what the entire plotline of Gaiden was about, learning to value and treasure your bonds regardless of blood ties. Naruto literally grew up without NO family do he literally had to FIND and MAKE one for himself, and hes never done any more or less for his blood fam than he did for his found family.

But unfortunately thats no longer the case in Boruto so lets get back to that.

So you see the point? Naruto, atleast in the sequel is a total liar, he promised to keep Kawaki safe, he made him feel like this was his home, told him that they all see him as family now, he called him his son, everybody was telling him that this is his home now no matter what anyone says his place is in Konoha and Kawaki was almost starting to believe it.

But when Naruto's biological son was killed by Kawaki at his request everything changed, nobody was on his side, nobody visited him even though they didnt even know the truth of what happened yet, Naruto wasnt looking at him with sincerity anymore and his words were scripted word for word just what he always says to everybody, but not anything personal from the heart like he usually does. Yes their conversation was interupted, but he never made any attempt to continue it either and simply left Kawaki to sit with his half hearted 'forgiveness' anyone who knows Naruto knew it wasnt sincere.

So where am I going with this? that was the turning point, that is when Kawaki realized and accepted that he was completely and utterly alone and felt isolated from everyone else.

This is why he says what he does to Ada and why his words hit so hard because they let you see just how utterly ALONE and REJECTED he actually feels. He doesnt feel like hes a part of Konoha, he doesnt feel like Narutos son, he doesnt feel like anyone would care if he died, its literally PROVEN right then and there how easy it was for them to put a kill order out on him without hesitation just for THINKING he did something to Naruto and ATTEMPTING to kill Boruto but none of these people gave a DANM when Boruto stabbed Sasuke's eye out, tried to kill Kawaki twice, tried to kill Naruto, oh and ironically tried to get Shikamaru killed too, the same guy who put a kill order out on Kawaki didnt push for any kind of punishment on Boruto.

'But that was Momoshiki' so what? who's body is he in? who's body did he use to commit all those horrible acts? when Gaara kept failing to be able to control the one tails his dad tried to have him killed before he'd end up destroying the village [no I am not defending Rasa fk that guy Im just pointing out the principle] if somebody is a danger to the village, even if its of no fault of their own, IF THEY ARE A THREAT TO THE VILLAGE then they have to be eliminated, so the it was Momoshiki excuse doesnt fly because regardless they have NO way of controling Momoshiki and preventing him from coming out, nor do they have a concrete way of forcing him back once hes taken over unless under very specific circumstances which even then if he feels like thats gonna happen he can dip to another dimension through his karma and they'll have a hell of a hard time finding him if he does.

Bottom line? Kawaki saw that for him he was disposable, he was a nobody, someone they didnt care if he died and would kill easily without hesitation and NOBODY would complain, but Boruto? let me repeat Kawaki's words.

He's the Hokage's son! Lord 7ths son!

Who in Konoha could kill him? the Hokages son?

An act that would turn all your friends into foes! who'd ever agree to take on such a task?

Why'd it have to be him!?

Do I need to say more? Boruto is the Hokage's son, Naruto's son, NOBODY in Konoha would ever dream of killing him, because killing Boruto would turn literally everyone against them regardless of what harm he's caused and what threat he poses for the future, they will be hated for it BECAUSE HE IS THE HOKAGE'S SON.

And because Kawaki is the only one strong enough to do it and accept all the consequences that comes with it, he's the one suffering that exact fate, but whats saddest about all this...is that everything he thought about himself was proven right, every awful thing he thought about himself was proven 100% right.

So what does that have to do with his and Sarada's convo there? well I needed to break down all of what happened beforehand so I could say how much it probably means to Kawaki that Sarada isnt affected.

The reason I needed to point all that out was to make sense of why being treated like Boruto by everyone is so hellish, because he KNOWS how they really feel about him, they say it to him constantly.

Mitsuki is always following Kawaki around full of bloodlust that Kawaki says is suffocating and Mitsuki keeps saying how he wont forgive and definitely will kill Boruto for what he did

You have 2 random Jonin he's working with protecting the village just casually talking about how good it would be if Boruto and Code took eachother out

Then you have Hima calling him big brother the way she would Boruto which only irritates him more because he knows that affection isnt for him which is why he rejects it so harshly

So imagine how relieving it must be for Kawaki to have someone that he doesnt have to listen wish him dead to his face without even knowing it, someone not full of bloodlust wanting his head on a stake, someone not calling out to him affectionately because they think he's someone he isnt, and most of all...someone that he knows without a doubt that whatever she says or does for him, is for HIM.

So quite frankly her hostility contrary to popular belief actually doesnt even bother him, he welcomes it because he feels its what he deserves and more than that because its the only genuine thoughts and feelings aimed at him, unfortunately we dont have enough chapters yet to see the full scope of how this has gotten to him but I imagine 3 years of being seen as someone your not has to be EXHAUSTING, so even if Sarada is being hostile towards him, it probably means the world to him that shes one person who sees him for who he really is, Kawaki, not Boruto.

His words to her in that last panel is what made it clear to me that he actually doesnt mind her opposing him, he tells her point blank that he plans to die once he has wiped out all the Otsutsuki threats there are, why thats significant is because he'd never have to say this to anyone else, why? cuz they think he's Boruto so why does he need to tell them his goals as Kawaki? even if he did why would he tell them he's gonna off himself at the end of it? there'd be no reason to.

Not only that but he's said this more than once to her, implying they've bumped heads about this exact subject more than once, which again if Kawaki was annoyed by her and wanted to be left alone he would've never got into this conversation in the first place and just ignored her or told her to shut up. The fact that they've talked about this more than once says alot, because Kawaki has no reason to, once was enough, but if Kawaki is taking time out to explain the same thing over and over to her then thats more than enough proof that shes different from everyone else.

Everyone else he drowns out, ignores, or tells to stop acting or speaking to him a certain way, but Sarada? no matter how many times she confronts him about this same subject, he always takes time to explain it. You could say that was just exposition for the readers but in that case why have him say he was repeating himself? he could've just said 'Do I really have to spell it out for you?' which leads to the same exposition witn NO implications of them ever having this convo before, but the fact that they specified that he was repeating this, means they wanted the audience to know this was NOT the first time they've had this talk.

Personally, like I said we need to get more insight into Kawaki's thoughts now before I can make a accurate analysis, but personally and this is me being unbiased and basing it solely on Kawaki's character up till this point, but I feel like in his own subconscious way he enjoys Sarada's company and hostility towards him because its the one thing he knows is for him, it probably puts him at ease whenever Sarada confronts him about anything because its the only time where he can be himself now without being looked at as weird or OOC because hes not acting like Boruto, he was probably relieved when it was revealed she wasnt affected because it meant he wasnt totally alone with only Ada who he cant stand knowing the truth, but his former friend/teammate.

I imagine he felt indifference towards Sumire because she made it clear she was scared of him ever since she found out he killed Boruto, but until we get some actual interaction or thoughts from either of them we wont know for sure.

Anyway, I personally feel like Kawaki keeps repeating himself when he doesnt have to because she's the only one he can to. Unless injured or getting a check up Kawaki doesnt interact with Sumire at all, and Sumire from what we've seen so far has been keeping a low profile since she sees the situation is hopeless trying to convince people at this point, but Sarada is the complete opposite and is persistent no matter how many times she fails she is very loudly and vocally opposing Kawaki and Konoha. She says herself that she wont repeat herself too, meaning she's also said this to Kawaki more than once as well, and thats that she wont let him do what he wants as a ninja who aims to be Hokage.

These words are crucial because she's said this to Kawaki more than once about her Hokage dream, usually something that gets repeated alot in the Narutoverse by someone, especially to someone in particular, usually ends up having a really big significance in their relationship down the line. See Sasuke's 'your annoying' for example or him calling Naruto Usuratonkachi, or of course the 'because your my friend'. It doesnt matter what it is, if its something thats repeated consistently, its gonna have some big significance be it romantic or platonic, either way its gonna mean something big for those characters.

Anyway going back to Sarada, the fact that Sarada has been repeating herself too on this same issue just goes to show how adament and consistent she's been in opposing him, unlike in chapter 28 where she backed down and felt nervous when Kawaki got in her face, now she stands firm and looks him straight in the eye the same way he does her. He's not trying to intimidate her, but make her understand the situation and his perspective, and Sarada isnt trying to intimidate or threaten him either, but make him understand that she wont go along with doing things this way and wont back down no matter what, because the way Kawaki and Shikamaru is running things isnt how Naruto would've wanted, which is why she is their biggest opposers because she looked up to Naruto and wanted to do things the Naruto way.

Its no coincidence that in the very first chapter Sarada tells Shikamaru off about disagreeing with her opposition, its no coincidence that she snapped back using Naruto as her example of going against everyone to fight for what and who she believes in and tells him that the Hokage she looks up to is Naruto not him.

Then in chapter 4 she's now telling Kawaki something similar, that she wont let him do things his way as a ninja who aims to be Hokage, but not just any Hokage, but Naruto.

I dont want this to get too long so I'll sum up my final thoughts.

I believe Kawaki is relieved and subconsciously enjoys Sarada opposing him and is probably lowkey happy to not be alone in this situation with nobody he could talk to as just himself, to look at someone and be looked at and know that their looking at him, being around Sarada is probably the only time he can actually breathe without being subjected to brainwashed people treating him like someone hes not, or hearing this and that person wishing him dead, but with Sarada he can actually just speak and act as himself.

But most importantly anything she does or says to him will mean so much more to him than anyone else because from lets say Hima or Shikadai or even Inojin, if one of them were to get badly hurt or even die for him Kawaki will know its only because they thought he was Boruto and that they never would've done that if they knew it was him. But if Sarada does that, it'll have so much more weight now due to omnipotence because not only is she unaffected by it which means she did this KNOWING its for Kawaki, but the fact that even after everything hes done and how mad she is at him for it, she still put her life on the line for him or any other big gesture she'd do that'd show she cares. So when that moment happens its definitely gonna be an interesting scene, assuming Ikemoto doesnt botch it somehow...we shall see.

As for Sarada I believe in her own roundabout way she's trying to make Kawaki see that this isnt what Naruto would want, that in her own way she's trying to make him see the flaws in his logic, when she said he's and Otsutsuki too she wasnt saying that he should just off himself now or that she wanted him to die but that if all Otsutsuki are the enemy no matter what their motives are then doesnt that make him an enemy as well? regardless of his motives? and if all Otsutsuki must die simply for being Otsutsuki then shouldnt she just kill him right now? not that she could but she could try, she could say 'I will kill you someday' or some other death threat if she were actually saying he should die 100% and thats what she wanted but she doesnt.

Overall Sarada is just trying to make Kawaki see the holes in his logic, to make him see that this isnt what Naruto would've wanted, that trying to carry the weight of it all by himself isnt gonna be effective long term, especially now when something FAR BIGGER is going on that only Boruto knows about, so regardless of how he feels they are gonna have to set aside their differences and work together to deal with a far bigger threat and resolve a way bigger problem. Kawaki doesnt even argue with her about that, he listens to her and hears her out and most likely will agree to it since that will be the most efficient course of action.

Hopefully this will start to make him see that the solo route isnt the way, which if the FF isnt retconned we know it wont be, but maybe for a moment he'll see sometimes teamwork is nessecary and that he really CANT do it all alone. I believe thats the message Sarada is trying to send to him, the same one Naruto sent Sasuke, whether or not she'll be successful remains to be seen but for now I look forwards to seeing how they both develop from here and hear even more about whats been going on between them over these 3 years.

Antis think them being at odds and rivals with eachother now is somehow a negative that kills the ship when thats literally how many endgame ships interacted for a while before eventually coming together lol like ppl fr just gonna act like Jerza, Zervis, VegeBul, Taiga x Ryu, Tonari no kaibatsu-kun, Suzuka, Reimei no Arcana, and so on don't exist.

So like...I dunno, maybe ppl just aint seen alot of manga/anime or hell even media in general but regardless this really aint the ship killer antis think it is, its honestly just the beginning lol but Im never one to count chickens too early so I wont get too cocky, but antis need to start bein humble too cuz they are WAY too confident about KawaSara's downfall when things are just gettin good lol but hey more material for us to laugh at later when their once again wrong about everything they say about the ship and what'll happen etc.

I apologize for the lost post but I wanted to properly express my thoughts as best and clearly as I could but I might've over explained 😭 my apologies...but I hope you enjoyed my little breakdown regardless.

#rave responds #boruto manga #pro kawasara #anti-bsa #anti-ksu #manga spoilers

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minjiarchive · 2 years ago

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earned it | jiu x fem!reader

^ new title layout

warning / smut

"shit, my phone is ringing." at this hour? the sound of her annoying, repeating ringtone made her lift her head from your chest to look. her phone lightly shined at her face with the name displayed, "kim bora~" minji contemplated on answering or if she should just ignore it, but if she's calling so late at night then it must be important.

she turned to look back at you with your hands still guiding hers down between your center again – needing more. "minji... please don't sto-"

"quiet now love, i wont but listen to me," she slowly lifted herself up and reached over for her phone, while continuing her dirty act behind the screen. it's not like bora would ever know what happens when the other members aren't home.

"do not make a sound while i fuck you, understand?" minji demands, her voice is so soft yet she sounds so bossy with it. you nodded to agree with whatever she said. if you were going be honest, you didn't like it. you wanted to have the control to scream out her name as much as you'd like, and how loud as you'd like. you also didn't want to make a scene during her call, so trying to stay quiet would be fucking torture. "make one sound and i'm stopping until im done with the phone."

her fingers entered you and you already lost with a moan that slipped past your lips. catching your doing before further punishment; bringing your hand up to your mouth to hopefully muffle your moans as much as possible. "good girl." kissing you one last time and accepted the call from nosy bora. "took you long enough to answer."

"what's up sua, im in the middle of something. make it quick please." make it quick? like she could make you cum quick too. she pushed herself deeper into you, causing you to throw your head back – crashing into the pillow too. your hips rolled and grinded faster at the knuckle deep sensation. "i was just wondering if you wanted something from the store?" her pace quickened and this started to feel impossible to keep yourself quiet "...i wasn't too sure if you wanted something to eat when we get back."

"what time would you be getting back?"

"about 12:00?"

minji drew circles with her thumb on your throbbing and wanting clit to end your suffering. the time on her phone read, 11:46 PM. i could make her cum before they get back. "thank you for the offer but me and y/n are actually good. we were hungry for something... else." your breathing grew heavier under the amount of bliss that took control of you. even muffling curses that left your mouth wasn't enough to keep you quiet either. "oh okay, just let me know if you need anything! i need to go though, we're about to leave."

"okay sounds good, stay safe and i'll see you later." the last stroke of her two fingers in you tipped you to your edge and you couldn't handle it anymore. "you can cum, you earned it for being so good." minji whispered in your ear which for sure pushed you completely to your climax. your hips raised in her hands that helped you release. then her phone went back to her home screen meaning the painfully, what felt like an eternity, long phone call was over.

#dreamcatcher scenarios #dreamcatcher imagines #dreamcatcher x reader #dreamcatcher #jiu scenarios #jiu imagines #dreamcatcher smut #jiu smut

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narwhalandchill · 1 year ago

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uhhh anyway. so like yesterday was my first time ever doing story day 1 and i have many Thoughts about the AQ. mostly positive unfortunately my major gripes do relate to the childe/narwhal situation which kinda dampens the overall experience more than any other part being underwhelming would given (gestures in general direction of self). like we all know the multitude of diseases i have on the subject 💀

dunno how much of a complete nonsense rambley writeup thisll be i think i might take some time to sort out my overall thoughts and write sth more coherent specifically on childe/narwhal stuff, maybe leave out some other aspects i have more pointed thoughts on as well so this wont get mega long but eh lets see. this just all kinds of thoughts i have for now And its a mess so Beware

anyway. firstly. as scarred as i am by melus and silver. Its also just. holy shit man theyre truly just straight up tapdancing on teppeis grave like THIS is how you write NPC deaths in an actually emotionally impactful way. dunyarzad was a massive glow up already in terms of NPC writing in general but she didnt die so. but like the way their characters and bond to both callas and navia is built up and how the writers actually managed to make them feel like such dynamic people even if their roles are ultimately quite straightforward made their fates just... genuinely heartbreaking like what the fuck 😭😭😭 AND THE WAY THEY STILL SAVED NAVIA FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE AND SAID THEIR FAREWELLS I JUST. I CANT. i just teared up thinking about it again

idk what could be said about navia that hasnt been said a gigabillion times before like. Wow. she is just. Truly the moment. like she fucking blindsided my ass in 4.0 bc i wasnt expecting anything like how dynamic and compelling and complex her arc and characterization has been like. everything about navia her resolve her grit her experiences and her bravery and stubbornness just feels so incredibly human and raw and she is just? a wonderful character i never foresaw falling in love with her this much like truly. and she delivered JUST as hard in 4.2 too like if it werent for navia being the conduit through which we first experience the devastation of poisson i dont think it wouldve ever hit as hard as it did. i just wanna comfort her shes already been thru so much yet i also admire her insistence to keep going and keep living like man 😭😭😭 give her a happy story quest hoyo idgaf if it gets called shallow or some bs she deserves a break!!!!!

i think some ppl are disappointed by arles relative lack of presence in fontaine overall and while i get that i can genuinely say that its been so fucking refreshing to have an AQ centering on a conflict thats not entirely or mostly fatui based. its not like the weight or intimidation factor of arlecchinos presence has been any lesser just bc shes been largely on the same side as us. like personally i just Really enjoyed seeing her characterization throughout. the way shes been just so reasonable thus far makes me extra excited for whenever she might actually snap (at least hopefully she will). like both childe and scara think shes fucking insane?????? but yea. i also really enjoy arles dynamic with the HoH kids too like. i do think she genuinely cares for them in a way but i highly doubt thats all there is to it. and thats really neat. goes for things like her help to spina di rosula and poisson too; theres definitely strings attached to that aid lmao. even if arle has no particularly malicious designs in mind, shes a harbinger. like cmon. and i really like that!!

i dont have like. that extensive thoughts abt what i call the . uhhh. this is mean but extended cast of act 5 JKJKDWJKDJKAJK like HoH gang, clorinde, sigewinne, wrio. tho i do very much appreciate that clorinde dodged the sara allegations for good like. it was looking a little bit unfortunate in 4.0. her role wasnt super major but i love her english VA and this kind of grounded sort of character she ultimately is. also sigewinne jumpscare during furinas trial i love her so much.

mona n nicoles thing was unfortunately mostly a whateverburger for me bc. im sorry im not that interested in hexenzirkel lmao i feel like such an outlier in any lore discussion circles bc im just not that hype about them (gold is an icon however) idk why. it was neat, it happened, didnt bring any mega hype. what i liked the most was honestly just the talk with mona about destiny and fighting against it and all. she really felt like a friend trying to help us navigate our thoughts on this insane horrible situation going on!!

in terms of plot things uhhh i went in mostly blind? as to the actual events. i had spoiled myself a bit on some specific aspects (my own fault) but ultimately most had no effect on how much i enjoyed everything. also lowering my expectations on the. ahem. worries i had abt childe that unfortunately came true so i was less let down on the spot wjjkajkwdjkwd. my biggest issue was actually that i had to progress lyneys story quest TWO FUCKING TIMES by a pretty notable amount bc it was blocking locations. and that dumbass office drama world quest like i was morbing.

a particular standout moment (beyond the Obvious. i need not name it THE LAUGH THE FUCKING THUMBS DOWN also singed FL can kinda lowkey 100% absolutely get it) for me was when i was so invested in our conversation with furina in poisson and in the magic box that i actually fucking forgor about the whole trap scheme thing even existing and then the box fell open and i was like WAIT WHAT THE FUCK and started laughing for like a solid 5 minutes i was caught so off guard. what an incredible moment. bc like. when the thing we were hiding in w furina started shaking i was just hell yeah narwhal modcheck? narwhal modcheck? bc obviously i would. and didnt question for a second that it could be something else. like the trap we were LITERALLY plotting to set up just a bit earlier it actually killed me. altho the fact that one of the cursed lyney quest situations were in between the scheming scene and the poisson segment prolly had to do with it. anyway it was just really funny

i think this post is gonna take me 287382 years to finish if im gonna go into the like furina character arc situation and her trial and focalors and all that shit super in depth (+ narwhal/skirk things) but like. BELIEVE me i fucking loved it so much like its so awful and painful and horrible and just. best written archon easily. zhongli n venti i think r very well written but theyre p static characters bc oldies so its a bit different. raiden is. inazuma moment no comment needed. nahida is good but tbh i never truly reconciled with the way rukkha getting irminsuled sorta just erased the central conflict behind her inferiority complex so it somewhat ruined her character arc for me even if it did make me cry and i do love her chara overall. but furina i think they executed the whole setup and reveals and everything so incredibly well its insane like. god. 500 years........ and like. the way furinas arc just flops everything uve known about her and the interactions uve had with her sideways and turns it upside down realizing the predicament shes been in and what shes been grappling with. its just incredible man. harrowing but incredible like they truly delivered on that one. like that portion of the finale was just really well done

anyway not all thoughts i have by any means but whatever. ive just been Thinking. overall had a great time with the AQ n cutscenes in particular are only getting better and better, i thiiiiink this one tops sumeru for me? but like its sorta unfair bc i was never a scara stan whereas. even a narratively mishandled narwhal is a fucking world-devouring narwhal. unfair advantage. childe being there at all even if i have my gripes is too much points in favor KJWJKWJKDWDJKJK. theres things that make me really hopeful for the future writing but also things that concern me. so its an interesting situation rn. but im glad it went as ambitious as it did even if my fave got arguably sidelined the most. just hoping they actually do sth more with childe sooner than later if they want to leave all those loose ends unaddressed in 4.2. interlude rights PLEASE

#(cracks knuckles) anyway. hopefully ill have the energy to do some Takes tomorrow.#anyeay this post isnt coherent at all!!! deal with it!!!! HSJSJGK #rambles #genshin #genshin spoilers #4.2 spoilers

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moxiemaemaple · 17 days ago

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Seasonal Depression is fr

Days goes by and I don't really know the time or date. I wake up, work, relax, home, repeat. I went offroading and the terrain around here isn't as savory as where I came from. Rini caught on fire…right as we were gonna head up to the big famous sign. Universe had other plans that day for me. Got chased by a wild cat; I think, escaped and I ended up walking back to the city. I was going to go back to the grind of money when I ended up meeting a girl named Dakota. It has been a couple of days and I think we are friends?

A friend…it scares me almost to have those again. Speaking of which her bouncing into my life led me to Ryder again. Remember him? Ryder Dye? That guy who ran over my old vehicle with a rig randomly? I didn't think I'd see him again. He was wrapped up in things so I didn't even give him my new number when we met again. I honestly got shy. Is that stupid? I feel stupid.

Either way I made a new friend. I hope she doesn't end up too wrapped up in the crime life but so many go down that path in life. I just not to let it get to me but I know in my core it does. I wont touch that. Sure I admit ok! I stole some packages but that isn't like, breaking into someones house and robbing their whole stereo system. Just some stolen packages…

Money has been hard to obtain and keep. I wasted so much on getting my apartment livable in. Had no plumbing properly set up, no kitchen installed, nothing. It costed a lot to have everything piped and hooked up. It looks amazing now. I finally have my own space! No more living in a vehicle…its all my space. Mine. That means a lot considering how long I lived homeless in my old vehicles. Checking in at gyms just so I can just shower and shit on a throne.

Winter is already quickly approaching and I feel, seasonal depression. Christmas time always reminds me how alone I am. I got no family. Usually all my friends end up off with their own family. Uack, don't even wanna think about December. Makes me want to puke with sad. I always wanted to decorate my own tree though. Bake cookies or something for someone. Someone special but they ain't exist; sorry Santa not you but you also don't exist!!

Back to money, after Rini caught on fire I realized she gonna cost me a ton to have fully repaired. Seems my career of being a offroad queenie is doomed. I was told it would estimate to about four grand to have everything fixed up. My friend Dub who gave me the Jeep helped get it to at least a driving state. I have to be extra careful with it now. I'm trying to get myself a promotion at GoPostal, hopefully I can finally get some cash flow steady. Everything is so expensive here. Food, repairs, gas, doctor bills and the list goes on. Maybe life would have been easier if I shaked ass on a stage.

I really want this counseling thing to work out but with everything, I am the one needing counseling. I'm not giving up on myself but life is feeling rough mentally and physically. I could really use a hour long back massage with some vanilla bean scented oils, chill ass music going. Big hands, warm hands…

Ach! No one around that gives massages so all I got is my tub. It is quite nice to lay and soak in but it isn't a massage.

Oh also some asshat hit me with their truck, another dick decided to try and pull me out of my van while working my side hustle and assaulted me so I had to kick his ass. Lets focus on the positive. We made a new friend.

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bastardsofravenkroft-blog · 1 year ago

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speak now tv for me on first listen:

in general:

i love the heavier and more unfiltered (?) guitar work, it suits speak now soooo well. hate whoever the backup singer dude is. their voice is not good with hers imo, its really throwing me off. i dont like how quiet her secondary/backup vocals/‘improvs’ are either. its hard to tell if i like the mix or not yet bc its just different yk

in specific:

i like all the vault tracks. theyre good. anyone who thought castles crumbling would be scream-y i have full rights to call you silly. i can see you was way more of a banger than i thought it would be.

fucking hate mine. i will not be listening to it i dont think. which is the first rerecord i absolutely cannot stand. remember when big wigs came up on you belong with me tv and said its a totally different song and thats me with mine. its awful

sparks fly - pretty good overall, doesnt quite match the heart of the og but i think thatll be a running theme unfortunately.

back to december - perfect. theres a sorta loud like horn or something after the first chorus but its fine. very good taysquared fans are FED.

speak now - perfect. solid. nothing to say bc its a pretty nothing song really but its great.

dear john - honestly was just okay until the middle really. then she really gets into i feel, and it fucking hits. the girl in the dress wrote you a song. and you shouldve known.

mean - i love it! sounds like how it did when they played it live. its fun

the story of us - meh. its not bad at all but its not like. magical either. i like the og better but this is still perfectly listenable

never grow up - three times as good as the original. listening to this was like hearing it for the first time at 14 when someone had one of the most prevalent thoughts in my head into one song.

enchanted - the model rerecord (kinda). this is what they should be. not all of them are going to be exact remakes, but this one is pretty damn close but still has its own personality. WIN.

better than revenge - BANGER. THE FUCKING BACKING VOCALS. i dont mind the lyric change, its hers to change, and i dont think thats much of anybody’s business. shes come to terms with the way she treated another woman when she was 18 and i personally wont shit on her for that. and she couldve intentionally made it shit so a lyric that still works well and illustrates the picture? yes please

innocent - better than the original. better. esp the bridge. no more words cause i will be crying. (also i didnt know for years this shit was about kanye and ngl that did sour it a bit but its MINE so I WILL NOT BE CARING. ty)

haunted - ehhhhh. this is one of my favorite ts songs literally ever bc i was born and raised to be an emo piece of shit, i love the second half, but im not sold on the first half. i hope this is one that mega grows on me, and im still so fucking disappointed not to have an acoustic rerecord :( hopefully itll be added later bc its so fucking good

last kiss - the two seconds of waiting for this to play were like every first day of school all over again. but like enchanted its stellar, she got into it from the beginning and i always forget what an amazing song this is until i listen to it again. i wrote this song out in full at least five times in the journal i had at the time. i really love this version just as much.

long live - so fucking faithful??? WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY FOR MINE??? UGGHHHHHHH anyways shes cute! i like. not super attached to this song anymore but i like this way more than the og even i think. a spruce up was what it needed for me i think

ours - its really really different, and i have no feelings really bc ive never really liked it lol. it flows better i think now, but its still a boring weee im in love song so eh

superman - i really didnt listen to this lmao, it didnt deserve to be on any version of speak now imo, esp now hearing the vault tracks, i wouldve liked foolish one more (timeless is more red to me, she was a bit too immature for when emma falls in love and castles crumbling to sound right, and the other songs were too pop for speak now really)

no matter what though, red and speak now will never be replaceable for me. i love these versions but listening to the originals as a young teenage girl and feel heard and seen in ways i never had been before and working through so many complicated things with the help of those songs is something the rerecords will never have.

also whoever said she could remove one of her best songs from arguably one of her best albums.

#music #archives #crimson speaks #taylor swift #speak now #speak now tv #speak now taylor’s version #if youre a swiftie and this pissed you off open a CIVIL DISCUSSION or keep it to yourself. im not dealing with toddlers over a ts post agai #also i didnt even read over this so who knows what it actually says #pinning so i dont lose it #crimson writes

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rrxnjun · 2 years ago

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stress is deff a bitch but i feel like me and stress are the same now so🤡🤡

it's the 20th of august🤭 nooo that's a bit sad that u couldn't add urs but ur still a king for adding three birthdays in there🫡

WELL I HOPE THAT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN!!🤣 whaaattt that's such a long time oh my but the fact that u still had it is jaw dropping tbh

i don't understand why middle aged women have to be so rude sometimes☹️ wait i completely forgot that accents exist oh my god now thats even worse🥲 YEYY U SHOULD ARANGE ONE IN OCTOBER AS WELL COME TO THE 5SOS SHOW WITH ME/j (i'm heartbroken i have no one to go with so i probably can't attend) (i hope this doesn't break ur heart more cuz i saw ur posts about them sorry if it does☹️☹️hope i didn't cross a line with this joke☹️)

NOT TELLING ANYONE🫢 i look up to u for that cuz i'm still pretty much unable to do i suck💔 SO TRUE THE BEST DESCRIPTION I HEARD OF THEM JUST SOME GUYS!! i was so sad when yedam and mashiho left and i understand the soft spot he is such a lovely guy🥹 being a treasure stan is fun and a heartbreak but glad u admit now that ur a teume 🥲😌 ofc ofc we are sharing😵‍💫 HE IS SUCH A MENACE AND ITS SO FUNNY tbh he was the reason why i came back to tumblr cuz i wanted to see more content and things about him then i ran into the same problem as u that there are not that many writers in the fandom here tbh (or i just can't find them)💔 (sooo if u end up writing something for jihoon i will be waiting🫣)

IT SHOULDNT BREAK UR HEART IM SORRY IT WAS A CRY IN A POSITIVE WAY!!! i think it just means u portray emotions well (?) cuz every time there is a good sad scene in movies or books i just have to fight the tears back even when i was in a good mood before💔 AND THANK U FOR BEING AN AMAZING WRITER AND JUST BEING LOVELY AND READING MY LONG ASS REPLIES LMAO U ARE JUST TOO NICE OF A PERSON💖💕💝 (liebestraum anon💕)

omg 20th august is such a good bday to have im noting it down!!! 😌😌

IT IS the fic was originally supposed to be a part of collab but the writer deactivated and cancelled it but when i asked if i can keep the idea they were ok with it!! so yeah hopefully one day 💓

LOOK lets go to the concert together 😭😭 im like,, half serious and half joking 😭😭😭 i keep telling my mum about it and like the bus tickets to budapest are only 7€ and then i can find a cheap hotel and shit and i have money saved for the tickets 😭😭😭 like. budapest is objectively the closest stop to me ((even tho im still salty there is no vienna then i would go for sure) and i wanted to visit anyway 😌 but my mum doesnt wanna go w me and my dad doesnt either and i have no friends that would wanna go w me either and i am not allowed to go alone so. theres that 😭😭 i dont think ill get to go tbh im still kinda heartbroken but oh well its not the first time :// if i didnt live in such a shitty ass place this would all be easier 😭

girl i think its a miracle tbh but i got the names down. thanking my hyperfixation tendencies 💓💓💓 when i saw it i was so shocked tbh and now i keep getting sad mashidam edits on my tiktok fp and living through the pain LMAO. GIRL my crush on jihoon is getting out of control like genuinely what the fuck is happening to me- WHY IS TEUMEBLR SO DRY THO WHERE ARE THE FICS ??? i found like 3 fics and the rest are like 2 years old headcanon posts its such a struggle 😭😭 do i really have to do everything myself on this site.... (dont feed my delusions but give it a few months and if i dont fall out of them i can see myself creating a seperate treasure blog.....got a jihoon drabble idea the other day but. i will contain myself. so far he's the new main side character of the mark fic im writing 🥴)

awh you are too sweet 😭😭😭😭 thank u so so much !!!! this means the whole world to me 💓 once again was happy to hear from u, hope youre doing well ily xx

#💌ask #liebestraum anon

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crowleys-bentley-and-plants · 5 months ago

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the way my brain short-circuited there jesus what the hell. i fear im gonna go over the tag limit so im gonna try to order my thoughts here. (dont expect any coherent thoughts tho ive been having a headache all day lol)

ok first of all. the fuck you mean perfect response. im gonna hunt you down i swear what the actual fuck this poem read like a fucking punch to the stomach. no. i would welcome a punch to the stomach or a dagger in every inch of my body. what the fuck. but i digress. ok okay now that i think about it it does fit very well. i hate how in order to explain this fully (aka rant about it till i reach the word limit) i have to interpret my own poem and aaaa i have this rule of not doing that lol. but yes i see it. i hate it. in the best way possible.

secondly. imagine me as that meme "ive connected the dots you didnt connect shit ive connected them" because this is literally me right now except ive actually connected some dots. it may be across different canvasses(? like you know the connect the dots drawing well it might be two completely different drawings but i did connect them fuck you). ok so when i first read the title it immediately made me think of Look At Me (which is such a good fucking poem too) because of how similar the titles seemed. yet they say the complete opposite. you probably did that on purpose didnt you you fucker. now im gonna think about this instead of sleep. these two poems feel like the opposites of the same coin. rejecting vs accepting. Look Away is like dont look at my wounds dont try to heal me i am beyond saving while Look At Me is the want the need even to be seen to be recognized beyond the prison that is made from your own skin. god okay my thoughts are running wild im afraid i wont be able to catch all of them. but before i dive into this more (??yea i think i have gone crazy) i wanted to say that i was thinking like how these two poems kinda mirror each other and then something hit me. it was a brick. because lately ive been obsessing over the fanart of crowley looking in a broken mirror and some of the reflections are him before the fall you know the ones right. and this really feels like that. like obviously both poems are about demon crowley but you know what i mean? like they're still opposites.

ok so here are some connections ive found (oh no here i go projecting again lol). Look Away is like an armour, like a shield, built over millennia of hurt and rejection. Look At Me is like the vulnerable side of crowley, the part of him that craves intimacy and connection. he wants to break free from his emotional armor and be truly seen and understood. im headcannoning that the prison in Look At Me is basically the poem Look Away. if that makes sense. ofc it does have i ever said something that doesnt make sense? exactly. the ending of Look Away where crowley asks aziraphale to come back shows the contradiction in his desire. he’s afraid of being hurt but also deeply longs for connection. so like in a way it's kinda hopeful? (me desperately trying to keep it all together by deluding myself that it's not as sad as it looks lmao). like. if you read first Look Away and then Look At Me it's like it reads kinda hopeful (hopeful isn't the right word dammit) because it's like a transformation crowley goes through and embraces vulnerability and the possibility of connection. like there's still a long way to go of course but still. he's healing? maybe? hopefully? (please tell me it'sgonna be okay im literally rocking back and forth in a fetus position rn)

another difference between these two poems i really like is how they both use demanding language (literally in the titles lmao) but in Look At Me it's like really direct and commanding like also more desperate because of that i guess? and the repetition of the title also adds to that. and in Look away the demanding voice is. softer? like this line "so please, look away΅ like the added 'please' why is it there yknow. the poem started out quite hostile and at the end crowley literally begs. this feels like he is showing a vulnerable side. which is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im so normal about that.

ok enough about these imaginary dots. i was like. dreading this part because it means reading this poem again but this time i know what it says so in a way it's like i am accepting or even welcoming the fucking emotional onslaught it brings. deep breaths. ok. so. ok i cant lmao what the actual fuck man i cannot write down my thoughts about this poem without going completely comatose. so i will share my favourite lines instead *proceeds to copy paste the entire poem * no im kidding i will try to limit myself to a couple of lines here they are:

look away and stop pretending you can fix this not even God herself could

the fucking essence of the struggle isnt it. i dont even know anymore. it's the deep-seated belief in his own brokenness. yep. it's a raw admission of defeat because if not even the most powerful being in the whole universe can fix me then who can. i mean him. fix him.

i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths

i hate you for this. honestly. the fucking acceptence of the unworthiness? how the fuck dare you. it's easier to believe you deserve nothing, it shields you from disappointment and rejection. better to reject first than be rejected right. but the fucking worst thing about this is the second line. how aziraphale's insistence on uncovering his truths feels like an invasion of his very soul. what the fuck man.

please, i don't want to hurt the only soul who's ever dared to stand this close

despite it all crowley still cares deeply. his plea (because it is a plea rather than a command..wtff) for distance is not born out of apathy or disdain, but rather from a place of fear of causing harm. beneath the layers of resistance and defiance lies a vulnerable heart. it really is a battle against himself huh against the instincts that urge him to push away those who care. hey im totally fine

okay well there is really one more thing left to say. i will never forgive you for that ending. what in the eurydice and orpheus shit is this. "run away and don't look back" ?????? this cant be a coincidence right. what the fuck man. i can hear eurydice saying this to orpheus but orpehus doesnt listen and inevitably dooms her. her. not himself. although kinda himself too because he did lose the love of his life lol but like. crowley not only saying to look away and run away to protect aziraphale but also himself???????? what the fuck man you deserve jail time for this (pretend that this was definitely what you were going for and not me connecting imaginary dots again lol). but also. the last two lines. wait. come back. god. why are you doing this to me. it's now like crowley is the one dooming them and that makes it even sadder because it's just gonna be one more thing he will blame himself for goddammit aaaaa why the fuck. and the last two lines are also like in a way they are saying 'no wait i changed my mind look at me' yknow. like at the very end he did change his mind is it too late please tell me it's not too late aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyway. what time is it. i lost all sense of thought and meaning and apparently sentence structure. or. idk . i dont know anything anymore. my mind feels like it's been through a blender. i will be hunting you down. maybe even kill you. as a thank you. to show my appreciation :) jesus fucking christ

Look Away

don't call me beautiful as you undress me don't turn on the light don't force me to look at my own reflection in your eyes i can't stand the sight stop picking at my scabs stop prodding at my wounds i don't need your healing you're only making it worse i don't care if they're infected, just pay no mind to the rotting flesh, look away and stop pretending you can fix this not even God herself could

i can deal with these dirty bandages i can't deal with you looking at me like that like i'm something worth fighting for like i’m something worth loving i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths, unwrapping all the lies i've needed to survive with your bare hands

don't come any closer stop trying to close the gaping gashes why are you doing this? it's not worth your time keep away while you still can because i'll kick and scream and lash out if you try to fight me, and i won't hold back please, i don't want to hurt the only soul who's ever dared to stand this close

so please, look away run away and don't look back.

wait.

come back…

tag list under the cut

@wibbly-wobbly-blog @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @phantomram-b00 @charlotte-zophie @crowleys-curl @quoththemaiden @thewibblylever @genderqueer-hippie @lickthecowhappy @celestialcrowley @ineffable-rohese @alwaysbemybae @fearandhatred @roof-of-trees @weasleywrinkles @brokewokebespoke @eybefioro @captainblou @amagnificentobsession @marika-misc @phoen1xr0se @simonezitrone79 @thatqueercookie @tiptopticketyboo @veil-of-lament @celticseawych @nimbusalba @annewind

i had a semi chaos moment the other day and deleted my tag list, but i found a backup. please let me know if you wanna get removed, or added for some reason. or added back if you got blasted into the void

#lkdfjghiuaergh;pevns;dskjghslrhvnurhgwpeifpsiroghwrihfaos;gpqoigheighdjvha;ighpgheifhjdhgalighouhgjsdgh #yeah #i cannot even plot for revenge because i know anything i do will fall short. you have won xan are you happy? of course you are #i really love this poem #💙💙💙

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