#its been a while since ive felt this bad
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I'm just gonna let my queue do it's thing, but I'm not gonna be super active here cause I'm kinda going through some family stuff. Love you all 💖
#jane journals#vent#its been a while since ive felt this bad#i dont know what to do with it really cause ive never gone thru smth like this#basically its imminent that im losing someone very close to me#so im gonna try really hard to get through it but idk how up for self ship posting ill be#i love you all tho 💖💖
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Isn't This Nice?
#fic art#damn its been a while since ive used this tag huh#honestly all i do now is reread the fics in my bookmarks lmao#i refresh the gamkar tag once in a while but its never something i want uknow :/#anyway yea more of sad gamzee lmao#this was supposed to be a full comic but man i just couldnt do it lmao#felt so bad and sad for my gamgam :((((((((((#love this fic tho.............#chefs kiss.............MAKES ME UPSET BUT ITS ALSO REAL GOOD..........AUUGHHHH#not gonna tag the author cuz...............shy............... lmfao asodihfo;aishdgansidgubasdg#gamzee makara#terezi pyrope#also not gonna tag as ship cuz this aint ship art#homestuck
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trick or treat! how many wares do you own?
uhhhh shit all i have this year is a jar of butter from a peanuts. do you want it? it could be a treat. unless you've got a peanut allergy. in which case it's more like a trick. a naughty peanuts trick. awful. no good at all.
#ask#catsmocha#boe#boe tai marrow#my characters#my art#ive felt bad cause i know you sent this much earlier into the month. i just couldn't think of how to respond#i didn't necessarily want to go through the same effort i did last year. so i hope this answer suffices#its been a while since ive drawn anything so i had some anxiety getting back into it. but i really wanted to draw something for the ask#i like the angle i drew his body at. its not an angle ive ever drawn with boe before i dont think#anyway! thank you for tha ask :) trick or treat. you choice to make.
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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Overdone warmup sketches done before i got started on a commission
+ a jesse i forgot to post!
#bcs#brba#brbad#better call saul#breaking bad#lucky luke#nacho varga#jesse pinkman#michael mando#aaron paul#admin draws#fanart#needed to make sure i could draw nachito pretty enough...#luke is there bc ive been meaning to draw him for a while + felt like i could use a side face practice just in case#since my sketches felt too stiff when i was working on the comm it was good flowy line and hand practice#i really enjoy sketches can u tell sjdjfjj#i very rarely use this brush since its not very lineart friendly but i always have so much fun with it
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there are heartships / those guys again / this one doesn't have a caption. let's call it CROPPING / i don't want to be the sun i don't want to be the ocean i don't want to be the world
i thought it was redundant But that was the phrase that came to me
#the third one was just lines that happened and i didnt know what to do after that. i felt compelled to color them all after i colored#the first and now its 3 am. As usual.#flowers arts#steve#I like the idea of heart headed stickfigures but i accidentally drew a mouse instead.......#i call them heartsticks -> hardships -> there are hardships#its been a while since ive drawn in clipstudio paint. So. To my surprise my PEN THAT I DRAW WITH WAS AT 98% opacity this whole time#A little irritating. i have to fix it RIGHT NOW ro else ill forget and draw with that. AGAIN. (happened previously)#i suppose i havent drawn very attentively for myself recently. well you can blame Puerto rican meatball pork and rice.#OPINION: i do not like the smell of meatballs but they taste good. It takes a very long time for me to eat it because it smells bad.#I suppose hollandaise is a necessary evil because MEATBALLS STINK. I will consider that next time i have Random Cousin from a birthday par#ANYWAY FORGET THAT Originalyl iwas flipping through linearts like Damn am i artblocked but then i clored them so tis ok#i have been inspired by [video game] recently. i like how it looks. i want to draw grosser now. (Not in content but lineart. Its different.#you can tell in the bottom right that freak has a weird mouth. That was my intention! this is treading new ground. Or old ground#and making it new again. Whatever you prefer#OK Goodnight#if i need to make an addendum to the first picture i will But im a believer that we understand things in this trust fall scenario
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i thought this year we were gonna hav dinner together just the 3 of us when my mom got the table thats what she told me but it turns out my brother n his new gf are coming which means i am once again going 2 b spending christmas in my room frozen shaking w anxiety & crying
#i dont even like eating w ppl esp not holiday dinners they make me dizzy n mess w my mental state real bad but .#i dont know why i felt hopeful this year#maybe itd be different if it was just us#i dont kno#maybe i didnt think about it n i just got caught up in their plans#but we even got a tree again#n decorated n i helped do the stairs#it felt like maybe itd be something#but its ok#im fine ive been happy enough doing this since i was younger#i just need 2 forget the hope i had#maybe i can get high n watch an old christmas jerma stream#it will b fun#theres still gifts n terry oranges#OOO man a chocolate orange while high would probably hit so hard#i was gonna make shortbread too maybe but its too late to get ingredients n i am so. tired.#body hort
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so.
#i just remembered todays a year since my uncle passed and like. its been A Day like its been A Few Weeks because its been A Few Months and#its been a few Years and so on.........and then i remembered that at like 9pm.#and i didnt like rmr his birthday bc i was so Worried about forgetting it that i Actually forgot and like.#ive been so focused on doing things w everyone in my family lately to like. Exist w them while i can#like esp going thru so much w my grandma and like helping my dad with her#and like. i think a lot about how my grandma has forgotten so much SOOO much already like its not like im talking to my Grandma anymore#anyways . thats another can of worms#but#anyway all that aside . i feel like . watching him go thru his whole life battling the same shit i do but like he fell so so deep#into his addiction bc his life had so much fucking trauma and like. he literally told my mom before he passed like a few weeks#before he entered a sudden fucking coma that he may have never had any luck w like finding love#(and bad luck isnt enough like his love life was a horror show GENUINELY LIKE#there would be a horror movie about it and itd be so fuckig BLEAK like its so bad) but hes always felt very loved#. so . at least i remembered ?#anyways . ill prolly delete this post later im just . Whoa dude! haha#using my blog as my journal as always dont mind me
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Hi tem!! Hope you're doing well :D
I've been keeping up with the making of the hgcz, and waiting very excited for when i have the energy to sit down and read. You guys put so much love and work into it and I can't wait to see it all play out!!
In the middle of moving so things are all wild right now. But been playing lots of minecraft still, and finally took a crack at animation! Looking forward to doing more with it, lots of fun :D
Cookies for you 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪
-��
TEA ANON MY BELOVEDDD ITS SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!! :DDD❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ absolutely zero pressure but whenever you get around to reading it i would love to hear your thoughts!!! We definitely put our blood sweat and tears into that project and im so so happy to see how well it paid off :]]]
YOOOOO ANIMATION...... omg i would love to see sometime if you want to show me, that sounds like so much fun!!! And your art style is already so lovely, seeing it in motion feels like it would be such a treat 🥰🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for the cookies >:]]] i will be doing terrible awful things with them (fueling my brain so i can write maximum angst for hunger au AKDJAKSJSJ) and im glad to hear youre still playing lots of minecraft!!!
#shouting speaks#asks#i am also playing the mc!!! but im taking a small break from cherrybee hollow and uh. well im actually doing this new server#for religious reasons!!!#which probably sounds crazy 😂😂😂 but i missed wep ronpet this year which is the kemetic new year and i felt real bad abt it#its the first wep ronpet ive missed since i went down the path of kemetic paganism which was like. 11-12 yrs ago thereabouts#so!! i decided i would make a singleplayer dedicated to making structures for the gods :]#maybe a bit silly!! but sometimes the silliest things make for the best offerings#im situated at the edge of a jungle going right into the desert and its a perfect place for me to start building#its nice to do it all in survival too bc then its not like. a one and done yknow??? it needs lots of planning and action#and grinding to go with it#its been honestly really fun :] ive enjoyed it a lot and feel a lot closer to my religion than i have been for a while#OKAY THATS ENOUGH OF ME RAMBLING AJFHSKDJD TEA ANON IT IS SO LOVELY TO SEE U ALWAYS 🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️#glad ur doing okay and good luck with the move!!!!#txt
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flippin boobahs!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#scott shriner#OKAH HI CHAT#i’ve been thinking#this tag will be just a rant not really weezer related#yk laufey ?#i was listening to her song ‘letter to my 13 year old self’ and just started overthinking about myself when i was younger#i just think about my younger self and get so sad thinking about her; i wish i could’ve done more for her#i was a huge introvert and talking to anybody made me super super anxious; so much so that my teacher noticed and had me join a ‘social#emotional learning’ group where we spoke about low self esteem and how to raise it and everything like that#i only left it in 8th grade because i didn’t wanna keep missing class for it; but it made me so sad to think i thought so low of myself#i would wear hoodies all the time and jeans because i used to hate my body a lot#which is awful to do in socal heat!#i think it started because in my family i was always stereotyped as the fat one; yk how mexican families are? they called me gordita for#the longest time; which made me incredibly insecure and only in 10th grade did i start showing my arms 😭 IK ITS DUMB BUT ITS SO WEIRD#i still can’t do it entirely; i’ll wear shrugs and things like that because i still am insecure about my arms sometimes but ive been better#i only really had one friend but she had a different lunch; so i was alone for most of the time on the swings by myself or sitting at the#lunch tables alone waiting for lunch to end and this noon duty came to me a lot and would talk to me since she felt bad i was always alone#while everybody else played with each other ; and i don’t know why i just broke down thinking about how lonely i was at the time#i’d go to the school’s friendship room everyday after that because it was just a teacher who let kids come inside her room to play games if#they didn’t wanna be in the heat and soon i became friends w the teacher and she’d play uno with me everyday; mainly because the room was#relatively empty until they got loom bands! and i was an expert on loom bracelets so i would help others make them and that was a confidenc#e boost; i remember being proud of myself for socializing like that LOL#i just get sad thinking about that time; i like to think that if little Lyss saw me; she would be so proud because i have friends;#a boyfriend ; good grades ; and i’m well liked and regarded. i hope she’s proud of my progress socially because it was such a leap#i wish i could go back in time and tell her how much better things get and how she won’t be lonely forever#…and to not online date. definetly don’t do that one.
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>:(
#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts#SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work#and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh#and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material#he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s#even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my#barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then#this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a#horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get#/that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry#and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head#but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur#portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on#and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally#i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and#idk it made me feel really lonely#im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed#i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad
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Vent art kind of
TW: blood
CW: nudity
: palaple
All these are from the same day except the last
Sorry this is gross.
My school laptop didn't let me finish the last one. Stopped working.
Love.
#cheeseburgerboy#my art#i haven't eaten apples in a while. since stopping daydreaming its felt weird to do#about 3 weeks into it my mom gave me an apple for a snack. but i didn't want to eat it.#i felt bad so i threw it in the forest. even though it wasn't old#ur so tiny ur so big#slowly lightened my skin#idk whats in my mouth for the third picture.#its like soda. gum. bubble. fruit.#love picture was made yesterday after finishing my math. i didn't realize why until today#why am i always naked.#ive been getting headaches all over my head#on the top of my head. the bottom of my jaw. under my eyebrow.#whats in there?. get out
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kanghan dangerous romance (trips and falls down the stairs)
#gaiaxyposting#dangerous romance#mini (Hopefully) ramble incoming#ive been thinking about kanghan 'walking emotional neglect symptom checklist' for a while now#ever since that interview where perth described kanghan as someone who has everything except love#so much of his behaviour like how he always hesitates to believe he can achieve anything#and how he chases after sailom's praise. even the way hes so prone to crying#it all makes so much sense when you see it that way#and even the way kanghan's reactions to his dad seem disproportionate to how his dad talks to him (earlier in the series)#which can indicate many things! but it also makes me think about how often the effects of emotional neglect are viewed#because its perceived to not be as bad as other forms of abuse (spoiler alert! it is)#theres a bit more going on with kanghan but this ^ is likely a problem thats been going on for a While#kanghan is relatively well adjusted id say. the fact that hes able to express to his grandma that he felt neglected by his dad is Good#RANT OVER i think its getting too personal#i care him :(
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maybe i should have gone into practical effects instead of computer science...
#when i was in middle school i used to use red and black pens + spit for blending to make it look like the backs of my hands were torn open#i can't believe it's almost 4am. i just spent 5 hours typing up an essay about MM's erik that i just fuckin privated bc i was embarrassed#AND I STILL NEVER SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AAAAAAAA#i was right but im going to save all my points for the fanfic im currently planning out and promptly NEVER GOING TO ACTUALLY WRITE#I say shoving my plans for my h2o s3 rewrite off the table#yes i skipped from s2 to s3 i had a BRILLIANT idea [season 3 h2o spoilers ahead be wary my mutuals who are still watching]#okay so you know how lewis goes to the american institute of marine bio in the middle of 3? since this is tied to my s2 rewrite fic i wante#to actually finally reasonably re-introduced dr denman to the story because i never liked that she just fucked off at the end of s1#despite WITNESSING the moon pool magic. so i made it so she runs into lewis while doing a presentation for the college and they have a chat#(because her JAW paper plays an important part in my s2 rewrite bc i imagine lewis is the kind of guy who SAYS he deleted every copy of#it... but ACTUALLY he secretly printed himself out a copy to study in private to compare to his own notes bc#[lewis voice] come *on* guys just THINK of the progress that he could make with this! [grabby hands in front of chest])#so yeah they have a chat and Linda kind of gives Lewis the opposite dilemma in s3 that Louise gives him in s1 about science and magic#since SHE knows about the moon pool and has been biding her time and she knows Lewis knows and Lewis is like ah... uh oh.#it will eventually tie into the idea it's not about forcing science and magic together or separating them#its abt respectfully and responsibly utilizing both to see their fullest potential. which lewis learned in s2 and Linda has... not.#BUT#later on she gets a call from 1 (one) ryan who is like 'hey so i heard u did environmental studies on mako for dr bennett a couple years ag#and i was wondering if you've seen anything weird there as im currently doing a-' and she's immediately like 'YOU SON OF A BITCH IM IN'#and he's like 'wha-' and she's like 'i have already booked my plane tickets we're going to have a great time we have lots to talk about :)'#and wheeee now they have someone who knows about mermaids on their team and it's the perfect way to bring lewis back to relevancy in s3 :D#it also gives me reason to have two bad bitches (linda and sophie) meet and get to know each other which is not a dynamic ive seen in#any of the H2O fics i've ever read so im very hyped to delve into how they'll play off each other#also charlotte is there so technically three bad bitches (only in my au Charlotte never lost her tail and is part of the gang she just move#because she felt like she needed to leave to really be able to find herself without being in her grandmother's shadow but she comes back bc#well... it's season 3 mako is sounding the fucking emergency alarms everyone is showing up sdkghkfjhg)#im also so so so hyped to show u guys who's coming back in the s2 rewrite because it ISNT denman and i think everyone thinks it will be :3c#(i said she when telling ppl to look forward to a familiar face... but can u blame me for getting hype she's one of my favorite characters!#i love u H2O#cruddy rambles
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do you think the dread/anxiety/depression ive been suddenly feeling over the last couple days has anything to do with the progestin-only pill i started taking about a week ago. the one thats supposed to induce menstruation and apparently takes just several days to take effect
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(( i’ve seen a lot of people lately on my dash going through rough times - i don’t entirely know the extent of each one, how you’re feeling or dealing with the situation. i haven’t reached out because of a combination of being ill lately (i’m feeling better now) and the grief still being pretty raw but,
i want you to know that my askbox / ims / discord ( hanʕ ᵒ ᴥ ᵒʔ#3428 ) is always available should you need to chat. whether it’s screaming into the void, throwing a bunch of thoughts together, venting or just being distracted - you are absolutely and entirely welcome to come and talk to me. i will lend you an ear, i will try and offer advice (if wanted), i will lend you my virtual shoulder.
lately, i know how it’s felt to grieve & i’ve come to realise that it’s a unique sort of sadness (different to depression but also...really similar) - i know it can feel like you look at your friends, family, online buddies, everyone & you might think ‘i don’t know /who/ i can speak to’ - well, as said, this is my post offering you that outlet. even if you want to write me an anonymous message unloading your thoughts, you can. i wont post or reply to it, i’ll save it or delete it if you want me to. just, i want you all to know that there’s a place here for you.
and for the peeps who aren’t going through anything right now, who are having the times of their lives or are getting good news. good. don’t feel guilty posting or gushing about it. don’t feel you can’t celebrate your accomplishments or good times because others aren’t doing too hot. it’s alright, we understand. we’re your mates or partners and all we want is for each to be content and be happy.
so yeah, just keep it in mind. i might suck at replying to memes, general messages & plotting but if somebody needs to talk / vent / be upset / happy or anything else, i will absolutely listen to you & do my best to be there for you.
i’m sorry from the bottom of my heart that so many of my mutuals are suffering lately. my thoughts are absolutely with you all. ))
#(psa)#(ooc)#this has been hard lately#because while it's been four weeks now since my dad's passing im still in a rut#and ive been sleeping a lot and crashing and logging on and seeing others going through the same - fuck#ive felt such a mix of emotions lately and it's been incredibly raw so i want you to know like i /KNOW/ how you feel#i get it so hard and it hurts a lot#but you're not alone not for a second#and in terms of whether its grief or just a bad time or mental health or bad news#its all valid - you're allowed to be upset and you're allowed to scream about it#i always say 'rp is just a hobby' which it is but the people behind the screen?#real humans who need love and care#im with you guys
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