#its been a while since i posted anything at all

[scary-grace]

if my heart was a house - a shigaraki x f!reader fic

It's been nineteen years since Tomura was sentenced to death, and you've built a life in the space he left behind, braced each day for the worst. You're prepared for everything - the questions your daughter asks, the memories that sting a little more in the winter, the specter of the news you've been afraid of for years. But of all the things life's thrown your way, it's the one you haven't dared to hope for might be the one thing you can't handle. (cross-posted to Ao3) written for @pixelcafe-network's Challenge Friday event! Banner/divider by @cafekitsune

You know even before you open your eyes that it’s snowed overnight. The world always sounds too quiet afterwards, and you used to have so many words to describe it – almost comforting, almost eerie, almost serene. But that was when you were young. Now you’d replace all those words with a different one: Empty. You used to love the winter, the first snowfall of the year, and you still do. But it always reminds you of him. And he’s gone.

He’s been gone for years now. The length of time you spent with him has been swallowed six times over by the time you’ve spent alone, and you’d like to think that even in the beginning, you wore your sadness well. Now, nineteen years in, it barely shows. You keep it buried through spring, summer, autumn – until the first frost, the first freezing rain, the first icicles on the eaves and the first drifts of snow on the ground, when it crawls free of the grave and sprawls on top of you at night. You met Tomura in the winter. Fell in love with him by spring. You got two more winters with him after that, and then he was gone, and nothing can fill the space he left behind.

But even if one chamber of your heart is frozen open for good, the rest is still alive. And there’s room for a different kind of love, a way for you to translate your grief rather than buckle beneath its weight. There’s a knock at the door to your room, and your daughter’s voice slips cautiously in. “Mom? Are you awake?”

“I’m awake,” you say, and you blink away the tears. “Come in.”

Even at eighteen, Chihiro still hesitates before she steps across the threshold, but once she’s made the choice, she throws herself onto the bed with abandon. “We got half a meter. That’s even more than the forecast said.”

“And we’ve still got power. Lucky us.” You wipe your eyes, just in case, and turn to face her. “Good morning, kiddo.”

“How long do I have to be kiddo? I’m almost done with high school.”

“Okay, you’re right,” you compromise, even as your throat tightens. She’s never met her father, never will, but the tone in her voice when she’s putting her foot down reminds you painfully of him. “What should I call you instead?”

“My name. You’re the one who picked it out.” Chihiro’s dressed in her pajamas with a hoodie thrown over them, and you can see her phone lighting up through the front pocket. “Don’t you like it anymore?”

“I love it,” you say, “Chihiro. Did you sleep okay?”

She nods. There’s something on her mind. You can tell by the way her brow furrows, and the way her mouth thins tells you that she’s planning to keep it quiet. Or that she’ll try. Chihiro has a hard time keeping her feelings inside. She and Tomura have that in common, but while you always gave Tomura space to figure out how to say what he needed to, you always let Chihiro know you’re aware, and listening. “What’s going on up there, Chihiro, my daughter who’s almost done with high school?”

She rolls her eyes, but a smile is pulling up the corner of her mouth. Her smile’s always been a little lopsided, but so has yours. “There’s only one morning of the year you ever sleep in,” she says. “The first time it snows. And then you’re different all day – not mad or depressed or anything. Just different. I was wondering why.”

“I’m sorry,” you say at once. “I’m not upset with you. It’s not anything you did. You could never do anything that would –”

“I know, Mom.” Chihiro’s crimson eyes are intent on your face. “It’s one day. You get to be weird if you need to. I just wanted to know – is it because of him? My dad?”

When she was little, you’d lie, and tell her the snow is so pretty that you can’t help but get emotional about it. There was a while where she didn’t ask. But she’s old enough now that you can admit it. You think. “Yeah,” you say. Your voice is steady. You’re proud of that. “This is around the time of year when I first met him. It brings back memories.”

“Good ones?” Chihiro settles into the pillows the way she used to when she wanted a bedtime story. “Tell me.”

You hesitate. “Not the gross stuff,” Chihiro clarifies. “I don’t want to know about that. Kaori’s mom tells her all about that stuff. And she bought her a vibrator for her birthday.”

“Huh,” you say after a second. “That’s sex-positive of her.”

“You’re being nice. What do you really think?”

You think she reminds you of Tomura. He never let you duck behind the niceties; he always wanted to know your real reaction. “I think it’s weird. Especially if Kaori didn’t ask.”

“She definitely didn’t. She’s really shy.” Chihiro grimaces. “I’m glad you’re not weird like that.”

Not weird is a good thing. Maybe. “You know I’m here if you need to talk about –”

“No, Mom. Gross.” Chihiro buries her face in the pillow. “Tell me about my dad.”

“Okay,” you say. “Your dad. He, um – there was something about him. I never met someone like him before, and I haven’t since. He told the truth about stuff, even if it wasn’t pretty, and he said what he thought even if it was a bad time. One time we went on a double date with one of his friends and their new boyfriend, and the first question out of your dad’s mouth was whether the boyfriend had drawn his facial hair on.”

Chihiro wheezes. “That’s awful,” she says, but she’s laughing – just like you were. “Had he, though?”

“We never got an answer,” you say, and Chihiro laughs harder. “Your dad could be a jackass sometimes, even to people he liked, but when it really mattered, he’d –”

Kill for them. You swallow the words. “He was there for people when they needed him,” you say instead. “He was always there for me. Even if he didn’t know the right thing to say, I could count on him to listen. And he never gave me a hard time for standing up for myself. Not even when we argued about things.”

You were sort of a pushover early on. You were worried that saying no would make you difficult, and being difficult would make him want to leave. It wasn’t how you were most of the time, or how you’d been before you and Tomura got together, and he wasn’t scared to call you out. You remember the grin on his face the first time you really put your foot down about something, set a boundary and held it. I knew you were in there somewhere, he said. This is how I like you.

That was something you loved about being with Tomura: You were good for each other. You made each other better. “It sounds like you were happy,” Chihiro ventures, and you nod. “Do you think you’d have gotten married sometime? Did you guys want kids?”

Married, maybe. Your friends and his all used to joke that the two of you were the old married couple of the group, but while you talked about the future, you almost never talked about marriage to go with it. Not until it was almost the end, and you never made it to the discussion, any discussion, about having kids. Your pregnancy was catastrophic because of what happened before it, but even if it hadn’t been, it would have raised a lot of questions that neither you nor Tomura knew how to answer. “We were really young,” you say. “I was only twenty-two. We hadn’t had that talk yet. But I think we’d have talked about it if –”

“Yeah.” Chihiro’s voice is muffled by the pillows. “Did he know about me? Before he died?”

Your stomach clenches in a tight, guilty cramp, one that’s been getting steadily worse over the years. “I didn’t find out until after he was gone.”

“Oh.” Chihiro’s voice goes small and wavering. “Do you think – um – do you think he would have liked me?”

There’s no way to know. That means what you say next isn’t technically a lie. “He would have loved you,” you say. Her shoulders shake, and you rest your hand on her back to settle her, the same as you’ve done since she was a baby. “Just like I do.”

Chihiro turns her head to look at you, her eyes glassy with tears. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Everything’s okay.” You rub her back in slow circles. “Ask about him whenever you want. I’ll always try to answer.”

“Do you miss him?”

Other than your daughter’s ragged breathing and your own steady, shallow sips of air, there’s no sound in the world. When you open up the blinds, you’ll see an empty snowfield, unmarked by human footprints for a little while longer. Footprints in the snow will be filled in by the next storm or melted away in the thaw, but the marks Tomura left on you are indelible. There will never be room for someone else where he stood, because he’s still standing there, somewhere you can’t reach.

Sometimes you’ve thought, selfishly, that it would be easier if he really was dead, just so you wouldn’t have to cope with knowing that he’s still out there, knowing exactly where he is with no way to get to him. You’ve let Chihiro think he’s dead. You tell yourself it’s easier for her this way. It’s better that she doesn’t know what really happened to Tomura. The fact that you know is bad enough.

“Mom?” Chihiro asks, and you realize you never answered her question. “Do you still miss my dad?”

You still love him. That’s the same thing. “I do,” you say. “Every day.”

Chihiro cries herself out, and then it’s time to get moving. Her school has a late start, not a snow day, and you still have to go to work. You make a special breakfast anyway, play the music you and she used to dance to when she was little, and soon your daughter’s smiling again. Chihiro doesn’t have trouble being happy, not like you and Tomura both did. Still do, probably. Your depression was just that, but the sheer weight of Tomura’s past regularly threatened to crush him, and you doubt the nineteen years he’s already spent in prison have done anything to improve things.

But Chihiro knows how to be happy, and you know, because she tells you when she’s not. You’re not naive enough to think your teenager tells you everything, but she knows she can talk to you. And she does talk to you, getting steadily back to herself as you eat breakfast and clean up and get ready, her for school, you for work. Then the two of you crunch your way to the car and start digging it out of the snow. The snowplows must have been out last night and early this morning, because the road doesn’t have much in the way of accumulation. You’ll have to be careful of ice.

You’re both a little sweaty under your winter coats when you get in the car at last. “I’m already gross,” Chihiro complains. “Why can’t we get a garage or something?”

“Where would we put it?”

“In your room,” Chihiro says. You snort. “Or in mine. Since I’m going to uni soon.”

Your heart sinks whenever she says that, but you’ll be damned before you let it show. “You’ll still need somewhere to stay when you come back,” you say. “Maybe we don’t really need a kitchen.”

Chihiro rolls her eyes. “What? You’re not planning to turn my room into, like, a sewing room or something once I go to school?”

"No," you say. "My parents did that when I went away. I hated it."

Looking back, you took it way too personally. They weren’t saying they were done with you, or that the place you’d grown up wasn’t home anymore. You were just hurting, and looking desperately for a reason why. Coming back on school break to find your room cleaned out was a good one. “I’m not going to do that,” you say to Chihiro.“Even when you live somewhere else, you’ll always have a place with me.”

Chihiro glances sideways at you. “Kaori’s mom is freaking about her moving away.”

“Kaori’s mom freaks out a lot,” you say. You and she should have bonded, because you’re the only single moms in this small town, but Kaori’s mom makes you nervous. “How does Kaori feel about it?”

“Her mom will be fine. She’s not worried.” Chihiro pauses for a long moment. “I am, though.”

Your grip on the steering wheel goes white-knuckled. “About Kaori’s mom?”

“About you,” Chihiro says. You reach a stop sign, come to a full stop, and turn to look at her. There’s a stubborn set to her jaw that’s all too familiar. “Kaori’s mom is crazy. But Kaori’s mom has a life. She goes out some nights and her friends come to visit and she has parties and hobbies —“

“I have hobbies,” you protest.

“Yeah. Your hobby means you hang out in the house all day,” Chihiro says. “You can't carry your sewing machine and all your fabric to a craft party. Maybe if you learned to knit or something —“

“I’m not going to knit.”

“Something,” Chihiro says firmly. “Something that means you’re not alone all the time. I’m excited to go to uni. I’m worried about what’s going to happen to you when I leave.”

You’ve fucked up, big-time. “Chihiro, I understand why you —“ No, you don’t. All you understand is that you were stupid to think your damage didn’t show, awful for making Chihiro think she has any responsibility for your mess of an internal life at all. “It’s not your job to make sure I’m okay. I can take care of myself.”

“It’s not about taking care of yourself,” Chihiro fires back. “It’s about being happy. You want me to be happy, right?”

“Of course I do,” you say. “I love you.”

“I love you, Mom.” Chihiro says it bluntly, unashamedly. “So I want you to be happy, too.”

You don’t know what to say. It’s quiet, and it keeps being quiet, until a car pulls up behind you and honks its horn. You refocus on driving in a hurry. With you distracted, Chihiro pushes the point. “You barely even talk to people, Mom. Kaori’s mom thinks you hate her because you never say yes when she asks to hang out.”

“I don’t hate her,” you say. Chihiro’s skeptical look skewers you to the seat. “Look, she’s just not — it’s complicated.”

“No it’s not,” Chihiro says. “Next time she asks to hang out, say yes.”

No. “What if I sign up for an art class at the community center instead?”

“Do that, too,” Chihiro says. You grimace. “You want me to be happy. I’ll be happy if I know you’re talking to other people and doing stuff that’s not in the house. I don’t want to come back on a school break and find out you’ve only been talking to the trees or something.”

She pauses. “I guess you can talk to them a little. As long as you don’t start thinking they talk back.”

“Got it.”

You drop Chihiro off at school less than a minute before the bell rings, but she still makes you get out of the car and hug her. She hugs really tight. She got that from you. Tomura used to complain jokingly that you were a boa constrictor in a girlfriend suit. You kiss her forehead and send her on her way, then get back in the car and drive to work, feeling even worse than you did when you opened your eyes to a snowy silence this morning.

Chihiro’s wrong about Kaori’s mom. It is complicated — not because you hate her, but because she’s the nosiest person in town, and because you’ve got a lot to hide. You didn’t mean to have a lot to hide. It was just something that happened, and as the years since Tomura’s conviction have unfolded, you’ve gotten steadily more attached to the lie. It’s not about you. It’s about Chihiro, who shouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that her father’s a convicted murderer awaiting execution in supermax prison, who shouldn’t have to deal with people looking at her differently. It’s about Chihiro. It’s not about you.

Or so you tell yourself. But there’s a reason you fled from Tokyo in the aftermath of Tomura’s sentencing, why you cut off contact with his friends and yours, why you dyed your hair and changed your phone number and nuked your social media along with every email address you ever had. People hated Tomura. And because you were with him, they hated you, too. It didn’t matter that you knew nothing. That the murders he was accused of committing took place before you met him. Even if you’d dumped him the second he was arrested, you’d have been called stupid for not seeing it all along. You couldn’t hack it. You were headed for a breakdown at high speed. But you would have stayed, if Tomura hadn’t told you to go.

The last time you spoke to him was after his sentencing, as they were taking him away. You seized his hands, already cuffed, his wrists chafed raw, and for a split second, he held on so tightly that one of your fingers broke. Then he looked up, hopeless fury in his eyes. Get out of here. Don’t come back. I don’t want you to watch.

You thought he meant he didn’t want you to watch him being shoved into an armored truck for transport, but when your letters came back unopened, when he refused to let you visit or even call him, you realized the truth. He wanted you gone, just as completely as he was gone from you. That moment in the courtroom was the last one you’d ever have with him. And that was what tripped the breakdown at last. You were throwing up too much to overdose and you were too chicken to try another way, so you went to the doctor to figure it out so you could kill yourself with your chosen method. You just wanted anti-nausea pills. The doctor did bloodwork, made you give a urine sample, and gave you a diagnosis.

“Hyperemesis gravidarum,” he said, and you looked at him blankly. “You’re pregnant.”

He expected you to get an abortion. Everybody and their mother probably expected you to get an abortion. If Tomura had been there, if your accidental pregnancy had been something the two of you were dealing with together, it probably wouldn’t have even been a question. And for any other pregnancy, it would have been the only viable option in your mind. But when you thought about it, about this pregnancy, your mind rejected the idea so violently that you threw up again. You couldn’t get rid of this baby. You needed it. Looking back, you know your reasons were terrible. You had a kid so you wouldn’t be alone. So you’d keep some memory of Tomura close to you always. So you’d have a reason to keep getting up in the morning, a reason to eat and sleep and exercise, a reason to find a new job in your new town and work hard at it. So someone would need you. So you could do something with your agony at losing Tomura, grab it with both hands and twist it back into love. Deciding to have the baby was the most selfish thing you’ve ever done. And raising Chihiro, loving her, is the most important thing you’ll ever do.

She’s right about you. You do live for her. And if that means signing up for a pottery class at the community center and agreeing to grab tea with Kaori’s crazy mom so she won’t worry, that’s what you’ll do.

You work in the combined billing/records/HR department at your town’s medical clinic, with occasional ventures to the front desk when a receptionist is out sick. You spend a lot of time staring at the computer, a lot of time on the phone, and very little time talking to your coworkers — but you’ve been here for seventeen years, longer than almost anyone else. You were working here before some of your coworkers were out of primary school.

Dr. Kawada is your age, though. He greets you as you walk in. “Glad you made it. Anybody who lives past the town limits is staying home.”

“They should. The roads are terrible even with the plows out.” You hang up your coat, then sit down and power up your computer. “How many patients do you think we’ll get?”

“We have a ton of cancelations already,” Keiko, the nurse-practitioner, reports. She would be the one to make it in — Kawada would crawl here with his teeth if he had to, and she’s his wife, so of course she tagged along. “And there was a call for you, bright and early.”

“For billing? Somebody must have been losing sleep.”

“Not for billing. For you,” Keiko admonishes. “I forwarded it to your phone. It seemed kind of urgent.”

You log into your computer, then decide to check the message while you’re waiting for it to perk up. The voice on the other end of the line is completely unfamiliar. “Hi there. My name is Midoriya Izuku, and I’m a lawyer with the —" There’s a really loud sound on the other end of the line, completely obliterating whatever he was about to tell you about the organization he’s part of. “Due to confidentiality I can’t share much over the phone, but it’s really important that I get in touch with you! Please call me back to arrange a meeting —“

You hang up and delete the message. You don’t like lawyers, and this guy sounds like he has prosecutor written all over him. Or else he’s a reporter lying to you about his credentials to trick you into giving him a quote. The twenty-year anniversary of Tomura’s conviction is coming up, and there were articles at the ten-year mark, too. You’re more concerned about how this Midoriya Izuku got your number in the first place. You’re not easy to find. You made yourself tough to find on purpose.

It’s a quiet day at the office. Almost all the appointments are canceled, which means that the walk-ins get seen almost immediately, and you have time to start on your end-of-the-year reports. And time to talk, because Keiko and Dr. Kawada are in talkative moods, and you’re the best and only target. “How’s Chihiro?” Keiko asks. “Has she picked a school?”

“Not yet. Still weighing her options,” you say. And then, because you’re tired: “She’s worried about what will happen to me once she leaves.”

“Tell her not to worry. We’ll take care of you!” Dr. Kawada says with a grin. “What’s she worried about, anyway? You seem fine.”

“I am fine. But I’m signing up for an art class so she’ll stop worrying that I’m going to wither away alone,” you say. Dr. Kawada snorts. “How I’m doing isn’t her responsibility. She didn’t ask to be born and I didn’t have her so she could take care of me.”

“Nobody thinks that,” Keiko says. She gives you a weird look, but then she changes the subject. “Hey, but even once she moves out, you don’t have to be alone! Me and Shogo know lots of people we want to set you up with!”

You’re pretty sure your face goes dead white. “What?”

“I mean, I know you haven’t been seeing anyone since you moved here —"

“Because it’s not about me anymore. It’s about Chihiro.”

“Yeah, but if it’s about Chihiro, shouldn’t you want her not to worry?” Kawada’s not helping. You feel like you might be sick. “I moved here right around when you did and I’ve never seen you date anybody. Things must have gone down real bad with your ex —"

“Shogo!” Keiko swats him, mortified, then looks at you. “Sorry. He should know better.”

“Chihiro’s dad isn’t my ex,” you say. “He’s — gone.”

It’s the same trick you’ve been pulling on Chihiro since she was old enough to ask, and it works on adults, too. Kawada backs off, chagrined. “Sorry,” he says. There’s an awkward silence. “I’ve known you for seventeen years. How did I miss that?”

“I don’t like to talk about it.” You don’t even like thinking about Tomura, but every winter, it’s unavoidable. Every winter the sadness curls up around you, and although time is supposed to heal things, it’s never gotten any easier to throw off come spring. “I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.”

“Yeah,” Keiko agrees. Her eyes are sad. “Still. Tell Chihiro not to worry. We’ll keep an eye on you.”

You force a smile, force your eyes to brighten. “Thank you.”

It’s the clinic’s slowest day in a while, and you spend a lot of it screwing around on the computer. You sign up for an art class, one that meets the same night as Chihiro’s choir practice, so you can pick her up on the way home. You google therapists, too — maybe she’ll feel better if she knows you have one. And maybe you need one. Chihiro’s your daughter, the most important person in the world, the one you’d sacrifice everything to care for. Caring for her takes up most of your thoughts, distracts you from the pain of losing Tomura. Once Chihiro goes away for school, there won’t be anything left to keep your sadness at bay.

Tomura’s been on death row for nineteen years. They could execute him at any time, and you’d never know until his name was released by the government. During his trial, when you realized the death penalty was on the table, you looked up how it would happen. It still haunts you sometimes. You don’t want to think of Tomura with his neck broken, his eyes open and staring, dying with feet chained together and his hands bound behind his back. You want to remember him before it all went wrong. Back when you still believed he was the best thing that ever happened to you.

You met him at university, on a day when the campus was iced over. Your on-campus job started early, which meant you had to make your way to the library on paths that wouldn’t be de-iced for another hour. Tomura had an early class. He was headed the opposite way from you, and you were both so focused on not slipping and falling that you walked headlong into each other and fell on your asses anyway.

Your backpack slid from your shoulders, and the papers Tomura was carrying scattered across the path. Fuck, Tomura said, with feeling, and you laughed. What’s so funny? You fell down, too.

I know, but — An image popped into your head and set you off all over again. We look like we’re in a cartoon. Except without the stars and planets around our heads.

No stars and planets? I want a refund, Tomura said, and cracked a smile that opened up a split in his lower lip. Damn it —

Here. You retrieved your fallen backpack and a packet of tissues, then started gathering the papers Tomura had dropped. Sorry. It looked like you were in a hurry to go somewhere.

Comp-Sci building. I’m never signing up for a 7am again. Tomura’s phone buzzed, and he yanked it out of his pocket. And now it’s canceled. Motherfucker. I have to walk all the way back —

Maybe not all the way, you said, and he looked at you. I work at the library. It’s definitely open. You can hang out there until they get the paths salted.

Tomura looked at you, the tissue still pressed to his bloody lip. You didn’t know his name yet, didn’t know anything about him, but there was something you liked about his face. Something you liked about how he still got in on your joke, even though he was pissed about the fall. Something about the fact that he hadn’t gotten up yet, even though you’d gathered all his papers and were holding them out for him to take. I’ll level with you, he said after a second. I’ve never been to the library.

I get that a lot, you said, and you stood up. The plan was to hold out your hand to help him up, but you moved too fast, and your feet slid out from under you again. You managed to hang on to Tomura’s papers, but you went down hard. Fuck!

Tomura didn’t ask if you were okay. He just lifted the papers out of your hands, set them aside, and helped you sit up with hands that shook ever so slightly. I’m surprised you swore, he said, and you raised an eyebrow. You look like the type who says fiddlesticks instead.

Fuck off, you said, and he laughed. Making him laugh felt like an achievement, one you were proud to win. Looking back, that was when you knew you were in trouble. Maybe we should just crawl to the library.

It’s cold. Walking’s faster. Tomura got shakily to his knees, then his feet, and you copied him. I bet we can make it.

He stumbled twice on the way there, and you stumbled once, but neither of you fell again. You were leaning on each other to balance, more contact than you ever made with guys you weren’t dating, and nothing about it felt tense or awkward. It was just the only thing that made sense to do.

And that’s how everything was with Tomura. It just made sense, and you were so happy — and you think Tomura was, too. You fought sometimes, sure, but everyone does. Sometimes you didn’t know the right thing to say, but neither did he. He had a rough past, and you didn’t push him to talk about it. You just let him share what he wanted to, when he wanted to, and towards the end you had something close to the whole picture. It just didn’t have the murders in it.

No. You don’t want to think about this. You know what you believe about this, and going in a circle won’t help solve anything. You decide to redirect your feelings of frustration by looking up the lawyer who called you. Sure enough, he’s a prosecutor— or he was. Looking at the profile on his law firm’s website, you’re not sure what he does. He was in the news a year or so ago. Some case involving the yakuza.

The bell rings, and since Keiko’s on break and the receptionist got snowed in, you hurry up to the front to check the new patient in. It’s a good distraction. It helps to stay busy. When you’re busy, you don’t have to think about any of it — not Tomura, not the fact that he’s gone, not the fact that your daughter is leaving soon, too. And you don’t have to think about how it won’t be long before all your distractions run out.

[vidavalor]

Just on the back of your last post about how Aziraphale and Crowley have been a couple for (literal) ages, of which you have me thoroughly convinced, there's one thing I've never been able to figure out.

In 1941, when Crowley saves the books, what are we seeing from Aziraphale? By this point he knows damned 😉 well that Crowley adores him, so I very much doubt the 'this is when Aziraphale realised his love was returned' theory. Is it to do with their holy water fight?

Apologies if you've covered this already but I've read through your master post and most of your previous posts and couldn't find anything. I keep musing on it and thinking 'oh Vidavalor will know but I shouldn't bother them'!

Ground Control to Mr. Tom! 😊 Hi there. 💕 You are correct that I haven't done a post about this, which feels very much like my all-over-the-place blog, because this is one of the most-discussed scenes in the show. 😂 You are absolutely not a bother! Do not speak such silliness. I'm going to explain my take on that scene with some help from The Archangel Fucking Gabriel. Therefore, there is hot chocolate, should you want a mug.😊

This is also going to be my contribution to the Azirafeast celebrations so I wish any of you reading this many scrumptious returns!

Below the cut is the one in which someone who thinks Crowley and Aziraphale have been lovers since ancient Rome offers an opinion on what's going on with Aziraphale and the books in 1941... by way of a look at what we might be able to learn about this moment from its sister moment in Gabriel & Beez's flashback.

Be them real people or fictional ones, angels-- especially our two, main ones on Good Omens-- are not accustomed to feeling seen.

This is largely because they believe they exist to sacrifice themselves for the protection and betterment of others... that this is literally what they were made by God to do... or at least what they've been told God wants them to do... and, as we know, they've got plenty of questions over all of that.

They can often feel guilty about their consumption of resources-- or their curiosity about doing so in different ways-- when they've been told that those resources and the experiences that come with them are not for them, even if all evidence seems to suggest that might not really be the case.

They are told they are supposed to live small lives of sacrifice and are, as a result, full of conflicts about their hungers, their needs, their desires... about their love, and the want of a free life of their own.

They exhibit perfectionist behaviors, are full of self-criticism, and are excessively self-sacrificing.

Intellectually, they know they are a person with wants and needs like everyone else but they've been taught that they are supposed to be above all of that and breaking free of that abuse comes with negative self-thoughts, anxiety, depression, and a whole slew of other fun struggles.

That attempted thought control and oppression of people that is responsible for these angels' inner torment, though? As The Supreme Archangel aptly puts it while having a total breakdown shown by chasing his metaphorical self (The Fly) around the bookshop and trying to kill it with a Bible...

...it never works.

It might, unfortunately, get some people but it never, ultimately, works in society as a whole for very long because people want to live. People are made to live. They will seek out coffee over death and rebel against any society that seeks to oppress them in whatever way that they can. Eventually, angels who want to break free will find different ways of letting themselves be individuals on their own terms, even as they are still full of conflict about it, as we've seen Aziraphale and Gabriel do throughout the story.

They'll express themselves in different ways but with the same sense of desperation to have something of their own as a way of admitting that they are a person, too.

Maybe, one night, an angel will, say, allow himself to indulge his hungers by eating an entire ox... maybe in front of the demon he'd like to consume with just as much enthusiasm. Maybe those hungers become ones that, despite his inner conflicts that lead to periodic episodes of depression and fasting, this angel will allow himself to otherwise regularly satiate, and in which he finds enjoyment, nourishment, connection and peace, that he would not have otherwise found.

Maybe, on another night, a different angel will let himself slip away from Heaven and return having consumed resources for himself, in the form of a tailor-made suit that serves as proof to himself that he isn't just a symbol but an individual person in his own right. Maybe it gives him a connection to his body that also leads to him jogging and exploring more of the world. Maybe he allows himself the freedom of owning what he can of his own body and own appearance because control over these things have otherwise been taken from him in the process of denying his personhood and making him more of a symbol to be venerated.

While these are good examples of these two angels finding different but similar, healthy paths to recognizing themselves as people, it's one thing to recognize yourself but another thing for someone else to recognize you.

Angels are wonderful at taking care of everyone else but they sometimes have a blind spot when it comes to their own needs and safety. They are so busy taking care of everyone else that they are prone to making mistakes with their own care.

Such as this angel below being so pleased with an opportunity to contribute to the war effort that he missed that he'd accidentally let himself be recruited by the wrong side...

...and needing his partner to identify some Nazis and redirect some bombs to keep him from being discorporated...

...and such as this other angel below being pleased with his ability to show care towards his new partner...

...but also, as we can see by the expression in his reaction to Beez's suggestion above, so unused to being cared for that, even if he was intellectually aware of it, the aspect of partnership involving mutual care was so foreign to him that it threw him for a bit of a loop.

Sometimes, an angel will be going through a period of struggle when it comes to their interactions with the world. It's often times not even just the feeling that they should just be advisors more than active participants and that the world is not for them. They are, in these moments, just imposter syndrome run amok, and that robs them of pursuing that which makes them feel happy and fulfilled.

Loving an angel in this mode requires gentle, genuine, affirming care:

The imposter syndrome modes can strike at any time for angels but tend to do so especially when they've very recently tried to engage with the world in a big way and saw it backfire.

Like when they spend a lot of time trying to sort out their place in the world and regularly go back and forth between being so influential that they personally own and have developed an entire city neighborhood but also then have days when they don't want to open their own bookshop to the world.

Like when they are supposed to be an angel and nothing else but, if they could choose a vocation, they'd be doing card tricks and pulling rabbits out of hats at birthday parties for all of eternity, and they feel so massively guilty about it that they tell themselves that the magic shop is not a place for them.

But maybe never more than like when there is a war on... an absolutely massive, global war... the first atomic war, the war that could bring about Armageddon, for all the angel knows... and everyone in the human world is trying to do their bit as best they can and, one day, a young woman claiming to be British intelligence knocks on the door and says that they need the angel-- this particular angel and only him... this angel who sometimes feels like he doesn't always know how best to help but wants nothing more than to be good and do good and help others.

The Allied Forces needs Mr. Fell for an intelligence mission to help thwart the Nazis and work towards stopping the war. And what do they need from this angel, in particular?

They need his books.

Aziraphale collects books of all kinds but he has two major personal collections that are highlighted in the story. One is humorous and self-aware-- a collection of misprinted Bibles. Those are living proof of the fallacy of language and gospel-- of the bullshit of people. They are comforting to him in their existence, as they reinforce his sense that following what others say is the word of God is not really a better path than following his own moral compass. The Allied Forces don't need these books, though.

They need the other ones that Aziraphale has been collecting forever:

His books of prophecy.

This angel collects written works by humans that profess to be prophetic. He has original works of Nostradamus and Mother Shipton and many others. He has preserved them throughout centuries, keeping them safe in his care, even if the works are, largely, complete and utter balderdash. He has kept these books, nutty as they are, safe from damage and in existence, for years, just in the event that maybe these humans, in some way, really did have answers as to the future of the world in which the angel lives, too.

The one that he knows has been slated to be destroyed around 6,000 years from its inception-- a date that was approaching closer with each breath in 1941.

Was it really going to happen? Was there a way to stop it? Aziraphale has been trying to see if maybe the humans have found a way, studying their prophetic works for centuries upon centuries, anxiously looking for clues on how to stop Armageddon and save the world he loves...

...and also therefore be able, as a result, to stay on Earth with the person he loves and not be separated from him for eternity.

It's these books of this angel-- these beloved, material possessions; these perfect examples of everything that he's been told that he's not supposed to have-- that Captain Rose Montgomery of British Intelligence says that he can provide to entrap some Nazis and help save the world for his fellow humans and his partner.

An angel's biggest blind spot is always wanting to help and never feeling like they're doing enough. They're vulnerable to trusting the wrong people for the right reasons. Their desperation to do good and be good in the face of feeling like they're not a good person at all can cause them to have the best of intentions but be open to manipulation by those with the worst of ones.

Sometimes, it's a human Nazi. Sometimes, it's a supernatural one...

...same difference. Both dangerous. Both examples of an area where an angel might not survive if they don't let in a trusted person who can give to them the same love and care they give to everyone else.

The fallout from making a mistake can be devastating to an angel.

They feel embarrassed and snappish-- the anger and frustration related to the miscalculated situation triggering (and masking) the anxiety and depression to which angels are hardly strangers.

They can retreat into self-doubt. Moments of bravery when it comes to trying again are sometimes just as quickly diluted by their compounding insecurity and the fear that they are just jiggery-pokery and do not belong in the world.

This is when they need their demons the most.

Demons? They are fallen angels.

They know all this about angels because they're not much different themselves.

They have had the experience of having to redefine themselves in the face of being told by their societies that they were no longer angels and, in some ways, that has freed the more introspective demons to have enough perspective to offer counsel to willing angels as to how to manage those conflicts.

These demons, like Crowley and Beez, are uniquely well-suited to loving angels because they have also been through these same conflicts-- and still struggle with many of them.

These demons have experienced violence and violation as a result their angelic conflicts. They are drawn towards the inherent goodness of their angels, who approach them with kindness, respect, and a sense of equality to which the demons are not accustomed but which helps to build trust.

Just as these demons seek to protect these angels from harm that might befall them in the future, the angels we're discussing are both mindful of their partners' pasts and take care to help them feel safe. They are emphatic about their partners' comfort, reinforce their expectations of a partnership involving free choice and equality, and continually make clear that they consider-- and will always consider-- explicit, enthusiastic consent essential.

Their demons' knowledge of the darker aspects of the world also make them uniquely aware of the risks to their angels and they seek to protect them from experiencing the same pain they have felt from trusting the wrong faces. They do everything they can to keep their angels from falling-- literally, as in from Heaven, or more figuratively, as into despair.

They give them music and food and companionship... they open up the world for the angels and help them live life with the other people in the pub, literally and metaphorically. They explore the human world with them and make them feel less alone, letting the angels do the same for them.

Loving an angel is first seeing that angel there and acknowledging their humanity. It's affirming their imperfection as being just part of personhood and holding up that personhood as being worthy of love. It is reflecting back to the angels the same empathy, openness, and lack of judgement as what the angels give to them.

It's seeing that the angel who wrestles with living up to the expectations of the statues in his honor and the titles for which he never asked is, really, an imperfect, good-hearted, kind person beneath his snarky, sharp-edged exterior. It's seeing the depression that clouds his eyes and the fine edges he's walking in Heaven and knowing what comes next more than maybe can see in the moment and protecting him, as best as someone can, from the fallout of those actions.

Beez knows what it is to fall. They see Gabriel already in a downward motion in every way there is and knows that it comes with risk of losing himself, the way that they once did themselves. They dump out the matchsticks because the good kind of fire is already lit between them and the fire of Hell is not for their angel. They gift him a fly-- that which is made from their body. They are Gabriel's container. He is safe by putting all of himself, literally and figuratively, into Beez.

While this is a big moment in the Ineffable Bureaucracy parallel and one that also parallels the holy water, Gabriel's response to it is a mirror to Aziraphale's response to Crowley saving the books in 1941. What can Gabriel maybe tell us about what Aziraphale was feeling then, through what is similar and what is different about these two moments?

For starters, Gabriel and Beez knew how they felt about one another before The Fly. They already had shared that through "Everyday". The Fly is not an "oh" moment for Gabriel, in the sense that it wasn't a sudden revelation of either Beez's love or of his own. If anything, he and Beez never really had an "oh" moment in that sense of one because elements of how they both felt were always just understood and present in their interactions.

This is honestly true of a lot of relationships. A lot of "oh" moments are not so much becoming aware of having feelings for someone but are just being hit with a new aspect of love that both/all parties is/are already aware is in existence, even if it hasn't always yet been fully spoken.

In S1, we see that Gabriel and Beez only let their guard down around one another. They have always been as close to friends as they could be in their positions. They already care about one another when we first see them together and then, in S2, Gabriel is completely unsurprised at Beez's flirting with him moments into the first date-- and Beez had no hesitation in doing so, suggesting that they likely have before.

Their attraction to one another is presented as an existing given between them from the very start of their flashback sequence. There's no "oh" over The Fly or anything else because they just know. They start to give words and actions to it as they fall deeper in love throughout the scenes but there's never any doubt that they both have been long-aware of what exists between them.

If anything, Ineffable Bureaucracy is probably the real, millennia-long pining relationship in Good Omens, as while they had all these very good foundations for a romantic relationship, they didn't really begin to pursue one until between S1 and S2.

Gabriel's response to The Fly parallels Aziraphale's response to Crowley saving the books in 1941, even if the contrasting part of the parallel is that both are responses to gestures made by these demons for their angels in very different stages of these relationships.

For Gabriel, The Fly is an "oh" moment-- but not one that is about a new revelation related to love existing. It's about what is, for him, a heartbreakingly new experience:

It's not that Gabriel doesn't already know how he and Beez both feel about one another because already he does by this point. Gabriel isn't having a realization of the existence of his love or of Beez's love when Beez gives him The Fly; he's having a realization that this is what it feels like to be loved.

And what is feeling loved, to an angel?

It's being and feeling truly seen.

It's someone noticing them and coming along to care for them while they're out there, trying to save the world when they're sometimes not sure they can even save themselves. It's someone seeing that in them and not seeing anything worth berating them about the way that they berate themselves but, instead, seeing a person worthy of their love and protection.

Loving an angel is giving them the same kindness and care that they give to the world but that they often deny themselves.

For Gabriel, that night in The Resurrectionist was the first time that anyone had ever done something like that for him. It wasn't an "oh" of I'm in love because he already knew that and that Beez felt the same way. It was an "oh", though, of falling deeper in love. It was an "oh" of feeling love.

Beez had already done kind things for him before they gave him The Fly but The Fly and its matchbox are the first ever physical things Gabriel has been given by someone. He has never had any possessions besides his clothes before. He's never been given a gift.

He and Beez go to bars and pubs on their dates; they're surrounded by humans with songs and birthdays and Christmases and going on dates and living a life that involves tangible, physical things that Gabriel is supposed to be above but to which he is drawn.

On the first two dates we see, he and Beez meet up in places but they do not order anything. They do consume the music together and, by the night at The Resurrectionist, they take another step towards engaging more in the human world that they've largely been absorbing and observing together to date. They do so through allowing themselves to be a part of the space, too-- Gabriel miracling the song on the jukebox for Beez-- but also through material objects.

They start ordering stuff. Gabriel is happy to bring Beez something-- buying them beer and a bag of chips/packet of crisps, even if they're undecided on actually consuming them. He makes it clear that he doesn't have any expectations that Beez actually eat or drink anything if they don't want to but the idea is that they have moved to a place where they can see what the humans see in bringing one another things as they move through the world together.

Gabriel has gone from a being who barely knows why he's meeting Beez in this bar to being excited to see them again and happy to buy them a drink and their preferred snack to stare at. Beez is having a ball getting the food-judgy-if-also-food-curious Gabriel to buy them what they've clearly told him he had best call a packet of crisps if he plans on seeing them again. 😂 They have begun to let themselves claim resources for each other and themselves and to start to get less intense about consumption, which are features of recognizing the humanity in one another and themselves.

Gabriel's "oh" moment when he is given The Fly is that this is the first time he knows what it's like to experience the world as a person who has a person who cares about them and has brought them something.

What he means when he says "no one's ever given me anything before" is really "no one's ever thought about me before."

He means no one has ever seen him there-- until Beez did.

The gift of The Fly reminds Gabriel of that and shows him getting used to the new feeling of not being invisible and alone. He falls deeper in love with Beez and sees them more fully in return as well as a result of their gift and that, it could be argued, is what love is.

Love, if it's good, is a lot of "oh" moments-- because you don't fall in love once. You fall over and over again, deeper each time.

The difference between this moment with Gabriel and Beez versus the paralleling one between Crowley and Aziraphale is that, by 1941, our angel, Aziraphale, has known years upon years upon years of being seen by his demon.

(Amusingly, considering the theme of love as recognition, The Serpent is also literally, ya know, um, rather watchful at times. 😂)

Aziraphale is no stranger to Crowley being kind to him or rescuing him from the times he might have blundered, like we all do at times, in trying to do good.

Crowley saving the books in 1941 is absolutely not the first time that he's ever done something as Beez-and-The-Fly-level romantic as this for Aziraphale. In many ways, that's likely the point.

While The Fly was the first time of what will be many that Gabriel experienced what it was to feel loved by feeling seen, Crowley saving Aziraphale's books is a gesture that could not have happened at all without Crowley's long-held, intimate knowledge of Aziraphale as a person.

What makes Crowley saving Aziraphale's books so romantic isn't even just that he knows how important the books are to Aziraphale but that he knows Aziraphale so well that he could predict that the books would need rescuing.

Crowley knew that his angel would only focus on getting the two of them out of the church alive and unharmed and absolutely was going to forget about those beloved books of his while trying to protect them both and then be completely and utterly crushed when he did.

In this way, it's a contrasting parallel to Gabriel and Beez because, while that was the first time Gabriel had ever felt seen, 1941 is time number six trillion and five that Crowley had made Aziraphale feel seen like this and he's now so well-practiced at it that it's old hat at this point.

There is no judgement from Crowley about what happened with the Nazis in any of this. Aziraphale is horrible to himself over things like mistakes like he made in this church and being forgetful about these books but Crowley sees no such need for any of that. He protects Aziraphale from the fallout but in such a way that says he admires Aziraphale for trying to take the actions that he did. He sees Aziraphale as brave and his actions quietly affirm, much in the way that Beez does for Gabriel, that just because they are an angel who is used to doing for others doesn't mean they're not also a person who needs someone to do for them, too, and that Crowley is happy to be that person.

Aziraphale is reminded by Crowley knowing him well enough to anticipate that the books will need to be saved and taking care of that for him that they are a team. That Aziraphale doesn't have to worry about managing everything on his own because he and Crowley help each other manage life. They know each other well and have been together so long that they just know how to take care of one another.

It's not an "oh" of a realization of I'm in love for the first time. It is, as Michael Sheen says, a moment of falling in love. It's an "oh" of having been in love for a very long time and that love still finding new ways to surprise in its ability to keep causing Aziraphale to happily fall deeper and deeper...

This isn't realizing love and it's not the first time that Crowley has done something sweet and romantic like this for him-- it's the power of it being the nine billionth time Crowley has. It's the feeling of "oh" for Aziraphale that is a reminder that he is safe in the knowledge that Crowley knows him, through and through, and when confronted with the most real Aziraphale there is... the one that can be prone to making mistakes out of insecurities and self-doubt... the one that struggles sometimes with self-worth and brutal perfectionism... Crowley knows, sees him there, and is still madly in love with him.

Crowley never sees Aziraphale as weak or lesser for feeling any of it. He loves those sides of Aziraphale because he loves all of Aziraphale. He won't let Aziraphale be embarrassed because he likes and admires him as he is. He's gentle and kind and understanding about Aziraphale's insecurities, treating Aziraphale with the same care that Aziraphale shows him.

Crowley, better than anyone else ever has or will, sees Aziraphale for who Aziraphale truly is.

He loves that angel and his love helps Aziraphale to quiet some of his self-doubts and be a little kinder to himself-- much in the same way that Aziraphale's love does for Crowley. Crowley loving him makes Aziraphale feel like maybe there's a chance that he might be worth loving.

Loving an angel is making them feel seen and Aziraphale, holding those books Crowley rescued for him?

He felt very loved indeed.

The "oh" moment of 1941 is one moment where we see that Aziraphale has just been reminded of just how much Crowley truly sees him there-- and of just how much Crowley loves him. What we are watching, imho, is not the first realization of love but just one of a million different moments throughout history of Aziraphale continuing to fall deeper and deeper in love with Crowley.

[thelunarfairy]

The Shadows of Doom

I've been waiting for evidence so I could make this post, although many signs were present and I've mentioned it in some posts here and there, we can now clearly talk about the new vision about the twins.

It's not news that the entity is an evil supernatural and it's also not news that most people don't give this creature the attention (and blame) it deserves.

We now see an adult Amane who has become a "serial killer", and well, everyone agreed that Amane is not the culprit, it's the entity that is controlling him.

Yes, that's true. Amane can't even remember that he was controlled and probably has no idea that he killed so many people, that's because he was used as a shell. He's just the body that the entity needs to attract its victims.

And yes, this is not exclusive to the new reality.

The difference is that in the old reality Hanako is sealed and the entity doesn't have as much power over him as in the new reality.

So, how about we talk about Tsukasa?

Tsukasa never feared the entity and he sacrificed himself to save Hanako, I know you know that, but even though the boy had this "bond" with the entity, they worked together for a goal.

Tsukasa never did things for the entity because he liked it or what it did, he wanted to save his brother.

But why does Tsukasa seem to be more conscious than Amane?

Because of the partnership.

Tsukasa does what the entity asks, which means that it doesn't need to control and force him, because he will do it.

He talks casually with the entity, as if they were close friends. He isn't afraid of anything, so Tsukasa doesn't need to be manipulated or controlled, he does what he has to do.

But does he seem happy about it?

Hanako fights the entity, so he is controlled and forced to do things he doesn't want to do.

Tsukasa chooses not to be against the entity, as if he knows it's not worth it, and he does what the entity demands, even if it's something bad.

The entity has influence over the twins and at many times I saw Tsukasa behave in ways that didn't seem like he was "himself".

Even though he was conscious and remembered everything, it seemed like the entity was controlling/influencing some of his actions.

The dark eyes reflected in him

In the same way that the same eyes are reflected in Amane's eyes at the exact moment the entity takes possession, not only of the twins but also of Kou, give us a clue about some of Tsukasa's behaviors.

Even Sakura knows what that dark eyes means.

So, if we compare, the Amane of the new reality is a serial killer now, but it's not exactly him. The boy is just a shell that is being controlled by the entity, it's the entity that wants the deaths.

Why is Tsukasa, who has always had the entity inside his body, still considered a "psychopath", and when Amane kills MANY people, he is just the boy who is being "controlled?".

I have this answer, perhaps because of the self-awareness he has after doing certain things or allowing the entity to do them, while Amane wakes up from something confusing that takes his memories temporarily, Tsukasa is always awake and conscious.

But the difference between the twins is precisely in the concept of accepting or persisting.

Hanako is the type who insists a lot, he hardly lets something he likes "free from him", we saw this in the actions he did with Tsukasa and Nene, he is extremely persistent.

Tsukasa is the opposite, he is free and allows the freedom of the people important to him.

While Hanako is fighting with all his strength against the entity and trying to save Tsukasa, Tsukasa just allows the entity to do what needs to be done.

The entity is a difficult creature to destroy, it's as if Tsukasa had realized that it's not worth fighting against. In addition to, of course, the entity's own influence here.

As Tsukasa always values ​​freedom, the boy who has lived imprisoned since he was four, either because of the house and the entity or because of the boundary and Yorishiro's connection with Hanako, he wants freedom and values ​​it.

Therefore, he gives the entity the freedom it needs, even when Tsukasa has no wishes to make anymore. He just wanted to save his brother and he would stay in the red house, doing what the entity wants.

One fights and the other accepts.

The entity possesses and controls whoever fights against it, and partners with whoever stands by it.

But in the end, the goal of this thing is always the same, to kill people.

What defines whether they are like the entity or not is how they react to it, and clearly, they are both not happy.

In the end, the entity will necessarily possess both of them, the difference being that one does not fight against the influence of the entity and the other does, and both will have to do what the entity tells them to do.

Both will kill or cause death, whether they like it or not.

There is no option.

The entity is like a shadow of doom, the price it charges for a wish is too high for anyone to pay.

Obviously, I'm not going to take away the guilt that the twins have for the choices they made, the suffering they caused to other people, and the mistakes they made over time (and still make) to this day.

But let's be fair and say that the entity has a direct link in the behavior of both of them.

If the entity didn't exist, the twins would be two normal kids, like everyone else.

I wonder if it would be like that.

*This is an analysis of the characters' behavior, not my direct opinion on it, but an evaluation based on their actions throughout the story, remember that this analysis may be incorrect, but, with the information we have so far, it's a small observation that I thought would be interesting to share.

[tartrat]

Unnamed Coaches' Name Headcanons!

Random unnamed coaches and the names I’ve given them. I decided it would be funny if i gave each quotes and quests. I also just gave them all the classic rarity because it would've looked weird without. theres 9 maps and 10 coaches.

1. Freed From Desire: Garnet. I mentioned this in my other drawing of her. I just felt like her being named after a gemstone was fitting, like she just has that air to her. The gemstone itself is believed to bring emotional balance and self confidence, which i think fits with the map.

2. All The Stars: Vega. A while ago I was thinking about avatars for other coaches and I remembered her. Vega is one of the brightest stars in the night sky. maybe she comes from a long line of coaches who use the stars, so she was named after one of the brightest. Side note but i accidentally gave her robes the beta colours, they should be like a purple instead of red.

3 & 4. Love Story: Just straight up Romeo and Juliet. I thought about giving them names that are similar to Romeo and Juliet, but realistically that's what they would be named. I just wanted to draw both of them since Love story is one of my favourite 2022 maps.

5. Blinding Lights extreme: Jayyce Sway but friends and family call him Jayy. I can’t get the idea of him being Talia Sway’s father and him settling down in Wasterra out of my head, plus "Sway" as a last name just sounds futuristic to me. Jayyce is just a corruption of "Jace" that i thought would look futuristic with two ys. I just think he's cool and would be a great father. (you can't really see it but he is smiling here)

6. Giddy On Up: Belle. Another map i miss, its just really fun trying to do those high kicks. Other names i was thinking for her were Andrea and Laura ( after Laura Bell Bundy), but neither sounded country enough for her. Then i thought Annabelle, which i then shortened down to Belle.

7. Follow the White Rabbit: Allison. I didn't want to just straight up call her Alice, unlike how i just gave the love story coaches Romeo and Juliet. Originally i was thinking of spelling it as Alicyn but then went against that. But also it sounds like "Alice In" as in "Alice in Wonderland". Also i know that its the rabbit who says "I'm late!" twice but the quote i was originally giving her didn't really make sense. I rushed this one because intitialy she was in the same pose as one of the gold moves from FTWR but it looked too weird and i wanted to move on. She looks shocked here, i don't want to think about this drawing anymore.

8. John Cena: Jeanne Cena. this is just like the John Wayne coach all over again. You’d pronounce Jeanne like John. It was the obvious choice, and I also just wanted an excuse to draw her. Doubt you'll need her name if you can't even see her in the first place. One of my favourite maps, its just so good.

9. Levitating Extreme: Aster. I was thinking along the lines of Astro for some reason, then the name Aster kept popping up in my head. Turns out Aster means "star" and is also a type of purple flower that is star shaped. Given the space imagery from his background it makes sense.Definitely the type to not tell you his name because he sees no point because he thinks he's disposable (as if Si'ha Nova ever gets attacked).

10. Buscando Extreme: Jacques. I don't know why but he looks french to me, then the name just stuck because i couldn't think of anything else. One of my favourite extremes, at some point in early 2021 i somehow knew most of it off by heart. also i like to think of him as the father of the coach from the classic version. At some point all the male 2021 extremes i'm just going to headcanon as the father of another coach.

-

So this is what i've been working on. I mentioned the love story, Giddy on up and Blinding lights extreme coaches in previous posts because i was doing this lol.

i did it in the order of JC - BLE - FFD - LE - ATS - FTWR - GOU -BE - LSTV. By the point i got to Buscando extreme i was getting tired of doing this so he along side the love story coaches look fucked up. Given that it was my first time drawing some of them, i didn't really think that they'd look good, since i'm not used to drawing them. But it was good to draw coaches that i haven't drawn before, and draw the ones i have already drawn, again.

I have other things i want to draw next, there's a map concept in my drafts that i want to actually draw so that will probably be my next fanart post.

[watercat-atsea]

Ford thinks Stan looks so pretty in nothing but some thigh highs and lacy panties

Anon I love men in lingerie this is perfect. I’ve also seen so much art of Stan in dresses and stuff lately!

Nothing actually explicit is written, I just couldn’t write the sex scene. I haven’t written one in sooo long 💁 if I get inspo I’ll write a continuation though :)

The first few years after Ford fell into the portal Stan barely changed anything in the house. He still felt like he was invading Ford’s house, Ford’s life. He was playing the part of Ford but he still wasn’t Ford.

Years later it was clear this mindset went away. The shack turned into Stan’s house as well as Ford’s. Ford’s strange anomaly collections, books, and nicknacks, mixed together with Stan’s clothes, magazines, and mystery shack attractions.

Post weirdmageddon, Ford was still getting use to this. It’s been so many years since he’s had to share space with Stan. He wasn’t use to their things being mixed together. The brothers were still recovering from everything, they decided to take the year off before traveling the seas.

While his old study had turned into his own bedroom, Ford still found himself going into Stan’s bedroom without any care. He was after some old book he really wanted to read. Ford knows Stan didn’t throw away any of his things, so it must be in the house somewhere. That’s how he found himself face to face with a box filled with lingerie.

Deep in the bedroom’s closet was an unlabeled box, Ford grabbed it without any hesitation. The contents made him double take though. This certainly wasn’t Ford’s…. So why would Stan have a box of lingerie?

Hesitantly Ford picked up a pair of lacy blue panties and held them up. They were actually quite a big pair, bigger than most ladies would wear. Did Stan have an old lover? Who was this lady and why would Stan still have her lingerie? Why hasn’t Stan told him?

Before Ford’s thoughts could go any further Stan walked into the bedroom, “Sixer, what are you doing in my room again? I told ya’ I took all your stuff out of it!”

Ford started to panic, he quickly tried to shove the box back into its nondescript spot, but it was too late.

Stan stood right over Ford’s shoulder, looking down at the half closed box Ford was still trying to shove back in to the closet. “Ford why the hell are you looking through my clothes” He sounded embarrassed.

Ford suddenly stood up, startling Stan. “Ahem, well, uh, I apologize. I was looking for a book and thought it would be in my old bedroom. I didn’t mean to… uh…” he then processed exactly what Stan said, “wait, what do you mean your clothes?!”

Stan tried to step around Ford to push the closet door shut, “Look Ford I get it. A gross old guy like me wearing lingerie is weird. Just forgot about it and look for your book somewhere else.”

The two have been doing a strange song and dance lately. Both very much aware of their past sexual experiences together but still too shy to be the first to fully push. But whatever is happening now, is giving Ford a push.

Suddenly Ford grabbed Stan’s wrist, stopping him from closing the closet. Stan grumbled out something, asking Ford what he was doing, but Ford ignored him. He went back into the closet and pulled out the box.

“Ford put the box back” Stan demanded, too embarrassed to really try and do anything though.

Ford set the box down on the bed and sifted through the various types of lingerie till he found a pair of frilly red panties and matching thigh highs.

“Stanley, let me know if you don’t want to do this” Ford breathed out, a familiar tone of arousal in his voice. “Why don’t you be a good boy and show me how pretty you look in your lingerie?”

Stan’s breath stopped for a second, was this actually happening? “Wait you actually wanna?-“

Ford nodded, “Stanley, even as teenagers I always dreamed about how you would look wearing red panties… I don’t want to dance around this sexual tension any longer”.

Stan stopped hesitating, he went right to unbuttoning his suit jacket “fuck, let’s get started then.”

[dairy-farmer]

Yes that’s the one! Thank you so much! Do you also have it on tumblr? Twitter hides the thread when you are not a member ):

answered out of order:

brutim

cw/tw cnc

i dont but i can post it! here!

___________________________________

brutim| bruce with noncon fantasies he never shared with partners like talia or selina. but then tim gets hit with a spell that makes him say the opposite of what he wants and bruce fucks him harder than he ever has before while shivering at his 'no more! stop! help me! slower!'

bruce being so close to finishing, fucking harder and deeper and then tim, gasps, whines, and in his ears bruce hears him beg-

"not inside! not inside!"

and bruce GROANS and cums as deep as he can in tim.

it’s during one of those rare out-of-gotham cases that it happens. tim gets returned to him by a sheepish clark who is holding a squirming superboy by the ear in one hand.

“zatanna says it should wear off by morning”

IT. is a tongue curse.

a magician had seen that robin had been the one calling the shots and decided to teach him a lesson.

in the medbay tim squirms as bruce examines him, peeling off his sweat-slickened suit and prodding at his bruises and superficial cuts.

“that doesn’t hurt."

tim states matter of factly when bruce presses a finger to a sluggishly bleeding scrape on tim’s jaw.

bruce carefully removes his fingers.

that means it does hurt. it was, afterall, a diametric spell. every word that came out of tim's mouth was the opposite of what he wanted.

if he said it didn't hurt, that meant that it did. if he didn't want something, it meant that he did.

bruce had tested it out, trying to see the extent of how the spell worked.

it was only supposed to last a few hours but bruce still wanted a catalog of the incident.

'yes' meant 'no'.

'slow down' became 'faster'.

simple things like that.

expletives were interesting. when bruce ordered tim to swear at him, tim blushed and hesitantly said 'fuck'.

names seemed unaffected.

it appeared that since the words were exclamations rather than words with assigned meanings they didn't have a reversal.

bruce put tim through a set of comprehensive tests to see the extent of the spell.

if bruce told him to point to the right, tim would point to the left.

if bruce told him to write down specific words, tim would write the opposite.

but if bruce didn't order him then tim could do as he pleased. it was a fascinating effect. able to function by using compulsion.

the spell seemed to invade tim's language center, his writing ability, and his body's motions.

when bruce told tim to step closer to him, tim took a step back.

it was a remarkable effect. and dangerous.

things like this in the field could immediately effect the chain of command, orders given, and plans laid out.

if tim tried to resist saying anything at all he could remain silent.

for a bit.

but then his jaw would begin to tremble and bruce would see drool collecting in the corner of tim's mouth until tim burst out with the words.

tim's mouth was slack, pink tongue peeking out. lines and strings of drool dripped out as tim hastily wiped it away.

bruce stared for a moment longer than necessary before adding that the spell had a compulsion aspect to it.

alfred was away in europe for a few more days, leaving bruce and tim alone for the most part.

that's why bruce was in charge of tim's physical.

along with making sure he got something to eat and was showered and dressed for bed.

tim is already up in his room by the time bruce retires from the cave.

there's a small tub of ointment for tim's bruises in his hand.

he'd forgotten to hand it to tim before he sent him upstairs.

bruce knocks and lets the door creak open, peeking in to the sight of tim sitting up and staring at him from bed.

"get out."

bruce's sleepiness had a bit of its claws in him but at the sound of the soft order he startles awake.

bruce's head shoots up to face tim who is red-faced and squirming in bed.

"get out," he repeats with more force before letting out a sharp frustrated breath through his nose.

bruce feels a tug of something in his gut and enters tim's room.

tim's sleeping shirt is hanging off a shoulder. there's a bright red mark on his shoulder that will likely purple into a bruise within a day or two.

tim has pushed himself up and is staring at bruce with some hazy interest.

bruce doesn't know why he hasn't offered tim the ointment yet. instead, he's just standing in tim's room. staring.

but there's a strange tension in the air.

bruce is shirtless with just some loose cotton sleeping pants. tim is in a simple shirt and some underwear that bruce can see peeking beneath.

tim is staring at him patiently. waiting for his explanation for why he's in his room so late.

the room he's already told bruce to get out of. (but it wasn't like that was it? tim didn't mean to tell bruce to get out, he meant to tell him to come in when he knocked).

they've been here before. done this before.

where the manor was empty save for them and tim would crawl into bed with bruce.

it started innocently enough, tim tucking his face into bruce's neck, breathing him in. but then hands wandered and clothes were removed.

bruce always felt guilty in the morning.

he avoided tim for a few days out of shame and then everything returned to normal.

bruce could always reassure himself with the fact that it was always tim who came to him. tim entered his room, got into his bed.

it wasn't as bad if tim was the one who did it. who started it.

bruce felt less guilty about it.

but here...now...

bruce was in tim's room. (coming to give him medicine).

tim was staring at him and bruce held out the small glass jar.

"ointment" he offered and held it out to tim who went cross-eyed to stare at it.

"use it for your bruises."

tim sucked on his bottom lip. slowly.

bruce watched the movement of his mouth with something forming in his gut.

tim looked back up at him. eyes big, one shoulder bare with his shirt hanging off it.

"i'm not in any pain."

tim let his tongue dart out to wet his lips. bruce watched it like a hawk. "i don't need your help."

bruce swallowed thickly. something...something was in his gut coiling.

tim's tone ordering him to get out. tim's insistence that he wasn't in pain and didn't need bruce's help.

"i'll do it." bruce replied, voice oddly croaked. "i'll apply it."

"no." tim breathed, voice oddly breathless. "i don't want you to."

bruce felt a shiver race down his spine as he edged closer, form practically eclipsing tim.

bruce pressed him down with a single hand.

tim didn't resist him. tim's pupils were big, his breathing was heavier

bruce grabbed tim's bare thigh, squeezing it experimentally and listening to tim's soft hiss.

"did that hurt?" bruce asked.

he opened the slick balm that turned to an oil with the warmth of his skin.

"no." tim replied with a slight strain, like he was reluctant like he didn't mean it.

something tugged at bruce's brainstem.

bruce massaged the flesh.

he dug in expert fingers until tim let out a soft whimper.

"you want me to make you feel better?" bruce asked, voice heavy with...something.

tim whimpered.

"n-no."

tim's eyes slip closed and bruce inched closer.

"are you going to let me help you?"

tim shakily sucked in a breath and-

"n-no. no i don't want your help, please-"

bruce wasn't paying attention to tim's bruises or scratches. the little glass jar was somewhere in the sheets, bruce didn't know where. he was too focused on tim.

tim's little baby clit was pulsing under bruce's fingers as tim's thighs shook around where bruce had settled between his legs.

tim was making little murmurs under his breath, brows furrowed as bruce trailed his fingers around his slick little entrance.

"stop." tim panted.

"stop stop stop-"

bruce swallowed the lump in his throat, steadied his shaking arm and pressed two fingers into tim's wet slit.

tim arched up off the bed.

"n-no! no! bruce-" bruce felt something like agony course through him.

his jaw was clenched so tight, his body was winded up with tension.

bruce shoved tim's shirt further up his chest. his other hand not inside tim, cupped and pinched tim's little tit. he squeezed and roughed up the flesh.

he left the skin red and distressed as he pressed in closer and ground his covered cock into tim's wet seam.

"no, bruce, no-"

tim began shaking, trembling under him.

bruce knows it's because he gets overwhelmed. because it just feels too good.

it's not because he's afraid.

not because he doesn't want this. but still. tim's words and the mixed signals from his body- they just do things to bruce's brain.

he's felt guilty about his thoughts that were like this.

he's cursed himself and convinced himself there was something deeply wrong with him for desiring something like this.

a body squirming and crying under him, desperate to get away. but bruce is too big, too strong and they can't escape. they can't get away.

bruce knows it's wrong. it's a branch of depraved that is considered one of the more extreme taboos.

he's never tried it with a partner. never.

he knows the kind of women he is attracted to. strong and proud.

they'd never lower themselves to begging.

they'd never give into the indignance of pretending to be a victim for bruce. they'd be insulted, disgusted even.

it's why bruce kept it to himself. kept his shameful thoughts to himself.

bruce comforts himself with the fact that he's sickened by the thought of ever attempting something like this outside of a fantasy.

not in real life.

not when he's seen the aftermath on the streets so many times.

but still sometimes...he can't help but just think of it...

it's why he hated himself just a little bit more every time the desire reared his head and he touched himself to the thought of backing someone into a corner and using all his bulk to do what he wanted to them.

so bruce is more than a little interested in tim (he ignores the voice in his head that is telling him this is a bad idea).

more than he usually is.

because tim is soft. his body is pliant and bends to bruce's whims.

he's warm and he clings to bruce every time he bottoms out into his sinfully tight cunt. all sloppy and wet and straining against the size of bruce.

sometimes tim freezes up like one of those deers in the headlights when bruce fucks him.

with his legs thrown over bruce's shoulders, hands clinging to any bit he can hang on, mouth open and just staring at bruce with big eyes. bruce rocks into his body, meeting his eyes and holding his hips as he fucks deep and fast until tim is twitching around him.

until he's letting out soft 'unghh unghh hnngh' sounds.

but tim also likes to talk, he's vocal and offers feedback to bruce. (which bruce appreciates).

he tells bruce what he likes, tells him to keep going, to fuck faster, deeper, harder-

bruce shivers as tim whines under him. he's twitching around bruce's fingers, pussy clamping onto the fingers and desperate to keep them in even as he cries-

"no more! no more! it hurts"

bruce groans over tim, cock so achingly hard and throbbing that he's dripping with precum.

bruce is panting audibly, he can hear himself in his ears as he grinds his cock against tim's twitching cunt stuffed full of his fingers.

bruce thrusts them in down to the knuckle.

tim's body jolts, flinching against the movement. bruce crouches closer, his heart is pounding in his chest. his cock is aching with need to be inside tim.

bruce presses his fingers in harshly, spreading them, watching as tim's pretty,

red pussy strained to accommodate the stretch.

"does that hurt?" bruce asked, voice heavy with desire. he can feel his body coiled in anticipation at tim's reply. there are tears beading in his eyes, his cheeks are stained red and he's squirming.

"does that hurt tim?"

"yes!" tim cries, a little sob bursting out of him as he shook. bruce felt his hot cunt go tight around his fingers.

bruce shivered.

"you want daddy to make you hurt? huh?"

" you want him to destroy your little pussy?" bruce's voice was a near growl. his hands drifted down to his pants and began tugging them down, shivering at the warm air as it hit his cock dripping with need.

fuck. bruce had never been this hard before.

he hadn't even fucking touched himself and he was already leaking.

"no!" tim sobbed, head thrown back and tears streaming down his face "no! no! no!"

bruce shook as he tugged out his dripping fingers.

"daddy's going to fuck you-"

"no!"

"yes he is."

bruce steadied his grip on tim's hips, carefully inched closer to tim's entrance and looked up to stare at tim's tear-filled eyes that were staring at him as near inaudible 'no no no's' were being whispered under his breath.

bruce almost cooed at the sight before fucked all the way in with a single hard thrust.

tim went still under him.

"yes. he. is." bruce snapped his hips into a sharp thrust with every word as tim gasped with every push into him.

"bruce,"

tim let out the word with such a raspy voice like he was being strangled. "bruce, stop, stop, stop-"

tim's voice was increasing in urgency. bruce could see as tim's face was twisted in pleasure.

his legs desperately wrapped around bruce's hips to keep him in even as he pleaded for bruce to stop, to slow down, to get out of him-

bruce felt as something seeped into him. he felt like he detached from his body,

only able to watch as he pinned down tim's hips and began FUCKING.

tim threw his head back and cried.

"oh god! bruce no more no more! slower! oh please go slower! i can't take it!"

bruce buried his face into tim's shoulder,

groaning as he listened to tim squirm under him, breathy voice pleading with bruce to stop this, to slow down, that it hurts-

bruce started fucking harder, faster, deeper.

tim's hips arched up to meet his hard thrusts. tim was panting in his ear, breathless,

and whining with a strained voice.

bruce pumped his cock into tim's hot cunt, feeling as he split open his walls. as that tight pussy shivered around him, unable to handle his size.

tim's body was so small under him, so easy to grab and manipulate and hold down.

tim kept squirming under him, trying to get into a better position, trying to lift his hips so bruce could sink in deeper. but with the words he's saying and how he's moving. it's almost as if he's trying to escape.

"stop fighting."

bruce whispered the order to tim's ear. "stop fighting and let me fuck you."

tim went still for a moment and bruce knows what's coming. knows it from the moment tim's body refused to follow a direct order while bruce tested him.

tim can't help but do the opposite of what he's told.

bruce groans as tim tries desperately to buck him off. his legs are kicking at either side of him. tim grunts with effort as his hands press on bruce's chest, trying to push him off.

he's fighting bruce so fiercely. fighting like he doesn't want this.

tim sobs into his ears and tells him to stop, stop, stop.

bruce lays his weight onto tim, pins down his hands and fucks into tim with twice the fervor he did before.

bruce feels like something has unclasped in him. there's a swirling heat in his gut that's all demand and want for him to take.

tim stretches so beautifully for him, his cunt sucking him and letting him bottom out about despite tim's words about not wanting this,

about hating this, about hating bruce.

"i ...i h-hate you-" tim breathes out as he keens when bruce roughly strokes his clit. "i hate you i hate you- oh god, fuck i hate you so fucking much-"

bruce laps up the hot tears streaming down tim's sweetly pink cheeks.

he hums his acknowledgment into tim's brows and litters gentle kisses onto the skin.

tim sobs and shakes under him, trembling like a bird in the snow.

bruce groans as he sinks in deep, feels his balls slap tim's wet cunt and stays there. he feels tim twitch around him.

feels his hot pussy walls clamp down and try to keep him inside.

tim is straining under him, caught between sobbing and trying to squirm away from him. bruce just wraps a hand around his waist and uses his hard-earned strength to keep tim pinned to him.

bruce groans into tim's cheek as the bit of wiggling has tim thrusting up and down on his cock.

"good boy," bruce breathes, "such a good boy- you want this so badly don't you?"

"n-no!" tim's voice is thick with his sobs and tears and bruce kisses his parted mouth,

licking in and tasting the sweet slickness of tim's saliva.

"you love me fucking you, don't you? you little slut"

tim weakly twitches under him and nods his head even after a croaked "no i don't, i hate it, i hate it so much-"

bruce's cock has been steadily dripping cum the entire tim. his balls are clenched tight and bruce can feel he's right at the edge.

tim's pussy is so perfect for him, accommodating him so well and letting bruce batter the walls as he begins to pull back and sharply thrust in.

tim yelps and clings to bruce as he begins panting out low orders to his ears.

"i'm so close, just be quiet tim alright?-"

"don't let anyone in the house know what we're doing okay? just a little longer okay, i'm almost done. daddy's almost done and then he'll cum inside you, alright?"

tim's cries got louder. louder and louder until he was almost screaming bruce's name.

pleading for him to slow down, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, can't someone help him? please!

tim suddenly lets out a sharp cry and throws his head back. bruce grunts as he feels tim tighten around him, hard enough the at he can barely move but bruce just fucks. harder.

tim lets out punctuated 'ah ah ah's' with every push of bruce's cock.

tim is panting. red-faced. out of breath. almost delirious with pleasure as bruce feels tim's little clit throb under his fingers.

"nnhg b-bruce-" tim's voice is dry and raspy.

his brows are furrowed as he lets out occasional gasps. "nngh n-not inside, please."

bruce feels his eyes close. his breaths are growing heavier, his thighs are burning with lactic acid as he sinks into that sloppy wet pussy.

bruce can hear the 'squelches' in his ears as he feels his balls tighten until its almost painful.

"not inside!" tim sobs. fresh tears are streaming down his cheeks and his forehead is creased from overstimulation of bruce touching his little clitty. "no! not inside!"

"not inside! please! please bruce!"

tim is begging him not to cum in him. not to ruin him further.

and bruce almost cries as he cums, scrambling to stuff inside tim as deep as he can. he groans as he feels his cum shoot into tim.

he knows it's pooling right at the entrance of his womb.

the thought fills bruce with so much animalistic satisfaction that he humps into tim's slutty hole while listening to his whines. bruce bites and kisses at his pretty pink tits.

sucking hard enough to leave bruises before shoving his tongue into that exhausted little mouth.

bruce hums into it, as the kiss grows sloppy and thick with spit that froths down their chins.

tim whimpers occasionally.

his body slow and unreactive as bruce tugs his softened cock out and lets it rest against the seam of tim's well-used pussy.

"you're mine." bruce whispers to him. "say you're mine. you'll always be mine."

tim's eyes are heavy with sleep, he's nodding off as he says-

"n-no."

"not yours. w-wil never be yours."

bruce shivers at the words and tightens his grip on tim's hip. his wet cock, spent and tired, gets pressed back into tim's little hole with a bit of manuevering.

bruce is going to keep it there for the night.

tucked inside a nice warm hole where it belonged. plugged in until tim's pussy never forgot the shape of bruce's cock.

until he never forgot that his cunt was bruce's. his tits, his mouth, his body, his everything was bruce's.

maybe bruce should be horrified.

maybe the weight of what he's done should be sitting like a stone in his stomach. his guilt should keep him awake as well as the anticipation of morning because by morning tim will be back to normal.

he'll be back to normal and will know how much bruce liked fucking him while acting like he didn't want it. he'll know the things bruce said to him and how much he liked tim fighting against him.

maybe bruce should be more mortified.

more concerned about how tim wasn't disturbed by this.

but instead, bruce settles in. he tightens his grip on tim's hip and tucks tim's sweet head under his chin.

he breathes in deeply and sleeps without a single thing weighing on his mind.

_____________________________________________________

[autismsupersoldier]

immediately thought of him

[fatedroses]

And some days, I just wish you wouldn't look at me at all.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

when you mentioned in your tags that there was hardly any laughingstock i didn't believe you at first, but holy shit ur right. YOU AND @krasytoonz MADE ME INTO A LAUGHINGSTOCK BELIEVER. I WILL PAY TRIBUTE TO THESE SKRUNGLY FUCKERS SOON, MARK MY WORDS *shakes fist into the void*

no yeah Seriously though its just us out here, fighting for our lives in the fucking Trenches. in ten years someone is gonna use the word 'laughingstock' casually in conversation and im gonna have War Flashbacks

[cinnaminsvga]

Harana Preview | Jungkook

harana (n.): the act of wooing someone by serenading them

→ summary:

Unwilling to settle down with you after five years of dating, Jeon Jungkook decides to break up to chase after his dreams. In the aftermath, you leave your hometown, desperate to forget your past and relearn what it means to be on your own. Two years later while on your way to work, you pass by a familiar voice singing songs about a girl he had left behind.

{or alternatively: Jungkook still sings the love songs that he wrote for you. He still means them, too.}

→ genre: busker!au, exes to lovers, fluff, angst → warnings: jimin is insane and kinda crude (he has some issues going on), jungkook is a pathetic wet bunny but he's trying his best, so much yearning, ambiguous ending??? but my god there is hope!! the humanity of it all!! → words: anticipated 10-15K → a/n: what da hell who is she... HEY SO its been a while since ive written anything longer than 2k words and i really wanted to get back into writing, if only for practice... plus this is part of my heart full of hugot series that i teased literally eons ago and i want to finish it before the year ends... pray for my sanity ( ; ω ; )

part of the “heart full of hugot” series

As you struggle to pull yourself together, a familiarly loud voice rings outside the edge of your consciousness. “Hey, Y/N! Fancy seeing you here…” Jimin greets you, his usual jovial demeanor halting midway when he sees your panicked expression. He clears his throat, perplexed. “Umm… Are you alright there, girl? You’re looking a little pale.”

You do not even have the mental capacity to wonder why Park Jimin was miraculously early to his shift, nor why he seems genuinely worried for you. Rather, all you can do is wave him off and use what little time you have before the restaurant opens to steel yourself for hours of melodious torture. 

“I’m fine, Park. You should get to work,” you grit out, wiping your sweaty palms on your uniform. Normally, Jimin would have teased you about the obvious wrinkles on your skirt. 

“You’re not the boss of me,” Jimin huffs, always the contrarian. He thinks better of it, however, and softens his tone. “Are you feeling sick or something? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

You freeze, perhaps giving yourself away a little. “I’m fine,” you repeat. 

“You know, if you refuse to elaborate, I’m going to have to retract your shower privileges,” Jimin taunts with a smirk. 

You feel a migraine growing by your temple, making you wince. God, why must men be the source of all your problems?

“I’m just… a little annoyed by the busker outside the restaurant,” you eventually admit, trying to be vague. Unfortunately for you, Jimin hates beating around the bush and would never take your crap if he knows something is up.

Unable to withstand the weight of his unimpressed stare, you continue, “He was someone I used to know, that’s all.” You aren’t going to be any more specific than that, though you imagine Jimin gets the picture. You zip your lips, hoping to whoever is causing you pain that Jimin would somehow let the matter drop and leave you to your misery.

You brace yourself for his onslaught of questioning to come, and… it doesn’t happen. Instead, when you glance at Jimin, he is mysteriously stone faced. You wait for him to speak for what feels like a few minutes, but he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to tease or ridicule you. He simply watches you with a pensive expression. You can barely stop yourself from staring back at him, slack-jawed at his silence. 

Of course, you aren’t just going to question your luck, or what little you have at least. So, you stay silent back and purse your lips uncomfortably.

Finally, Jimin seems to snap out of his strange reverie. He fixes you with a bizarrely sympathetic grin, patting you affectionately on the back. “I see… Well, if you ever need a drink tonight, head over to the bar for a little sip. I got you covered,” is all he says in response before sashaying away. 

That was so fucking weird. You want to chase after him, perhaps beat the truth out of him. Jimin is nothing but a scheming dick, and you aren’t about to let him roam free with such sensitive information about yourself. Just as you’re about to stomp his ass (perhaps to relieve some of the building tension from your weary soul), your manager pops his head from his office door. 

“Y/N! Make sure you’re logged into the booking system. There’s going to be a party of 20 coming in about an hour,” he reminds you, shooting you an apologetic look. You nod back with a sigh, swiping the booking tablet from the hostess desk and scrolling through the logs. Sure enough, it is going to be a busy night despite being a Monday evening. Perhaps a little busier than usual, in fact.

Whatever. You will use whatever distraction you can get, and perhaps the approaching noise from the restaurant patrons will be enough to drown out the sound of his voice. 

You aren’t religious by any means, but you pray to whatever higher power exists that Jeon Jungkook doesn’t somehow decide to enter the restaurant. Stay outside, you plead. Outside the restaurant and your life, if possible.

Throughout the evening, you do your best to push aside the memories that threaten to resurface. You greet customers with a smile, lead them to their tables, and ensure their dining experience is pleasant despite the anxiety poisoning your insides. It's a routine you've perfected over time, a shield against the chaos of your emotions.

As the night wears on, you can feel Jimin's eyes on you from across the restaurant. You sneak glances back at him, and you blanch at his pitying gaze. If the restaurant had been slightly less crowded, you would have flipped him off. 

He’s probably enjoying my suffering, you think darkly. Unwilling to give him the satisfaction, you straighten up and do your best to appear more unaffected. Just as you do so, you can hear Jungkook perfectly hitting a soulful high note. 

“I’m so sorry for thinking I was strong,” you whisper to the universe. “Forgive me for my insolence.” You clench your fist in anguish, ignoring the confused looks from the customers in front of you. 

By the time your shift comes to a close, you are completely and utterly drained. You feel like a snail that has been continuously salted over the past eight hours, and you cannot help but cheer in relief when the clock finally strikes two in the morning. You have to wait for the last few diners to make their leave, but otherwise you are ready to let your bed swallow you whole. 

You stand by your hostess desk, leaning your head against it with a defeated sigh. Jungkook’s voice had died down only a few minutes ago, and you hope that by this point he has mercifully left the premises. You want to take a peek to make sure, but just as you’re about to make your way to the door, you feel a hand on your shoulder stop you in your tracks.

“‘Sup, bitch.” Jimin still has that weird, pitying gaze pointed at you, though his words don’t match it. “Are you okay to go home alone tonight? I can bring your dumb ass home if you want.”

You shove his hand away, ready to bite his head off when you think better of it. If Jimin drives you home, then that lowers the chances of seeing Jungkook down to pretty much zero. 

“You know what? Thanks,” you grouse. Jimin smiles at you winningly, and the image of it brings a shiver down your spine. You hit him, creeped out. “Hey. Stop that, will you? You’re being really weird?”

Jimin scoffs, crossing his arms. “Me? Weird? At least I don’t look like a damn firework ready to explode just because my cringelord ex-boyfriend is singing sappy love songs outside—”

“Shut the fuck up,” you seethe, stomping on his foot. He yelps in pain and slaps your shoulder in retaliation. 

“Ouch! Watch your ogre feet! My shoes are worth twice your monthly rent I’ll have you know,” he bristles. He breathes deeply, likely finding his inner calm (which you doubt exists). “But because I’m so nice, I’ll ignore your earlier transgression and blame it on your underdeveloped amygdala.”

You don’t know what’s more surprising: the fact that Jimin knew what an amygdala was or that he was forgiving you in the first place. “Whatever. Let’s finish closing up and then head out. I’m exhausted.”

[good-beansdraws]

Just some 2am Fuutas

[pangyham]

been thinking about the liyue gang and how id draw their physical builds so here are some thoughts i had for xy cy and gm in particular

- xingqiu, unsurprisingly, would be quite lanky. i like to think he has broad-ish shoulders, like a thin athlete's build? hes a long boy to me haha, long face, neck, limbs, fingers etc, so naturally hes stands (comparatively) tall at 5'6" or 5'7"

i like to think hes most physically attractive one and has that handsome princely and boyish charm to him because it adds a lot to his fuckass duality LOL

- chongyun is a lot like xiao imo! short stature but with muscular arms. he seems nimble and flexible because of his normal attack animations (which bears a lot of similarities to xiao's actually! this + the fact that chongyun's normal attacks create gusts of wind further reinforces my hc that xiao trains him). sometimes i watch high energy choreography vids on youtube and some dancers look incredibly light on their feet, almost like their body is inherently bouncy? and i imagine chongyun to have that agility to him. chongyun has a delicate face and aura and i let that bleed into my hcs for his fighting style and physical capabilities hahaha. hes kind of like a cat who's deceptively strong. as for height.. just a few inches taller than xiao, so perceptibly short at 5'4"

- ga ming my new beloved. pretty much similar to chongyun but more muscular and stronger just because he wields his claymore with ease. theres a noticeable weight different between cy and his claymore the way he lugs it up after he swings (or even other claymore users like razor who, on his last hit, bounces from impact). meanwhile ga ming literally slams his to the ground LOL. i love his movements though hes very swift and expressive and radiant.. if cy has delicate movements then ga ming's is fierce and (charmingly!) assertive

ga ming is wonderfully charismatic though, i know hes not well known in liyue harbor yet, but he seems like the type to gain a reputation from his friendliness. how could no one adore him hahaha. 5'5" for height! just between xy and xq

[skitskatdacat63]

2005 Australian Grand Prix[Redux] - Giancarlo Fisichella, Rubens Barichello & Fernando Alonso(my personal post-race highlights)

[rmbunnie]

Watched through adventure time start to finish for the first time and of course it was great and of course I'm going to be drawing fanart at some point in the not-distant future (can't say near tho lmao school is keeping me busy) but my god the finale. I already knew the plot points tbh because i Am Online and Like Cartoons and if both of those things are things you are, you see the bubbline kiss and Finn saying "I always thought i'd go out a hero" and that's pretty much unavoidable, but what really got me was Time Adventure.

I saw someone on Twitter or something, maybe on here, say that the antagonist of Adventure Time is personal stagnation, and it was a comeback to someone else, but it really is true that from season 7 on the show starts leaning Realllllly hard into Growth as the topic the show's about (and season 7 is like. a pretty noticeable line for this switch tbh, NOT that the first 6 seasons are unimportant to the final end point, but the change is visible.) This is especially clear seeing as Gumbald and Fern, who refuse to accept growth and change to a unique extent, and are incapable of personal growth due to being an outgrown past version of the mc held that way indefinitely by a grass curse, respectively, are the main antagonistic forces of the final season. (Betty also counts as both an antagonistic force in the finale and unable to accept growth to me seeing as she was the reason Golb was summoned and, I mean, Temple of Mars is ABOUT her being unable to grow on an internal-beliefs level despite accepting the magic of the future as an external tool, so that checks both boxes, but i'm not sure of the overall Betty opinion and also she isn't the main point.) What I'm getting at is, with the major emphasis on changing as an individual, Time Adventure is especially poignant to me, because outside of being a (still very good) meta song about the show ending, in the context of the show it reads as a song about how sad growing as a person is when you're the person who's changing, and how it would be great if you could just. always be a 12 year old kid in the first season who doesn't understand that there are problems that can't be solved and fights you can't win, who can always go back to his treehouse at the end of the day. And how with the passage of time, it's inevitable to change, but at least that kid is and will forever be in season 1, even as the only physical version of himself from the past blows away in the wind as he asks to go back to a place that's now rubble. This isn't exactly breaking news but still, in a show that leans so hard into the way maturing means changing as a person the final message being "it's hard to be a new person and lots of things ARE lost forever but all past versions of you that you can no longer be exist in the past and aren't going anywhere" instead of like, "woohoo! Maturing is neat! Look at how much everything has improved!" is really good. Idk it just kinda means more really knowing that they're sad about the change.

[derekgoffard]

SCREAMING AND SOBBING AHHHHHH YOU'RE BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK♡♡♡♡♡}□》□○《♤{¤¡》○|€♡¤~|♤《○{♤¤■

!!!!8282737VWGWYywgyc !!!! * SOBBING IN SYNC WITH YOU * 😭😭😭😭😭😭 !!THIS IS SUCH A NICE THING TO SAY!?! OGH- 😭😭 THANK YOU MUCH!!!!! <333!!!! \(T_T)/ SNIFF SNIFF....SNEEF

[radioroxx]

ok bear with me for a sec trying to think how to phrase this

in order to destroy all three glamrocks and get all the upgrades, youre required to stay past 6am for freddy to give you the extra pass. before ruin came out we all assumed this was the canon ending where you would go down to see burntrap. you’re required to have all three upgrades to get down there so it made sense

BUT. we now know princess quest is the actual ending. in princess quest route, you’re only required to destroy two animatronics. roxy (always required) and chica (her route starts in fazerblast -> find vanny hideout -> pq3). you can get the three star ending without ever doing the monty boss fight.

(and even if the player DOES choose monty first, you can still go back to fazerblast post-6am and go straight to vannys hideout ending instead of doing the trash compactor)

anyway anyway. the point is that it is entirely possible in the 3 star ending for one of the glams to have survived. we didnt need all the parts. but we see them in ruin, and ALL of their special upgrades are missing. WHICH MEANS,

gregory found and played the first two games. destroyed two animatronics. SURVIVED til 6am. THEN he went back, saved vanessa, and killed the last band member forrr…the fun of it?? to rub it in?

honestly props to him lol