#its been a really nice day though
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well i kind of wasn't planning on having my first acid trip so immediately after last saturday but here we are
#txt#op#me and abby dropped a tab at 9:30am#it is currently 9:43 and my pupils are STILL huge af and i have definitely not landed#its been a really nice day though#i honestly could see myself doing like a 50ug dose and doing a rave + afters#this was soooo nice. and v funny and enjoyable because i spent the day w my best friend
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Pages from trying to keep a little sketchbook-scrapbook type thing going for two weeks lol. I gave myself specific rules in hopes they might all end up more cohesive/consistent seeming, but alas, scribbly chaos reigns, it seems
#sketchbook#scrapbook#Actually I feel like these are kind of incomprehensible in photo form like.. In person holding the book its easy to look at#but as images on this scale I feel like there's so much tiny little text and small scribles and stuff you'd have to 'right click > open#image in new browser tab > zoom in' just to actually really see the thing. which for 7 images is excessive lol.. so. probably not the best#medium for sharing really but. I suppose I thought they might look cooler lined up next to each other. The whole part of using a#limited color palette is so that maybe they kind of seem to have more consistent color schemes or something throughout. but I dont#know if they look all that 'related' or not. I think these types of challenges I have always sucked at because I am a being of clutter and#excess. I can't just do like one little simple nice looking design and have that Crisp Neat calligraphy with evenhanded perfect lines#and perfect symmetical composition and etc. etc. Like some poeple post very aesthetically clean and cohesive looking sketch#pages or something but I simply cannot hold back the brain impulse to add more. more. more. Fill every single blank space with color#or a little drawing or a sticker or something. I take away 500 things and there are still a million there. Even when I thik I'm being#'simplistic' I'm still usually being 2x more complicated and cluttered than the standard or whatever lol. I guess thats clear from my#outfits/costumes though too. Like whatever that saying is from that person about something like 'before you leave the house take off one#more accessory. you dont need it' for me is like.. 'before you leave the house. add 10 more accessories. and 6 more layers. and another'#AAANyway. I wonder if also maybe some people would try to plan theirs in a way to look good or something or like.. plot things on the page#before placing them. I did sometimes have a theme for a day kind of (like day 10 I ended up finding a few gold and green things and then#was like.. hey... what if I looked for a few other things and only used these colors today') but aside from that I was just slapping down#stickers randomly and working around them to fill the page. Maybe a lot of neat minimalistic asthetic design is about planning and#having a Vision set ahead of time. instead of just complete random whatever. doodling whilst watching youtube videos or eating lunch. It's#a miracle actually I've managed to not spill any food on the book the whole time. anyway.. I do wish the highlighter really showed up. the#scanner kind of makes the colors look VERY different to irl. But also it got much clearer images than just camera pictures of pages. alas..#..Still oddly enjoy the phrase 'Salisbury Steak gently kissed with industrial pollutants'#probably my favorite section of 'gluing random papers and things onto the page' lol#Also I wonder if it's super obvious that I literally never ever use references when I draw (save for the few freakish looking youtube#face sketches) since everyone is always in the same positions and looking very similar ghhb. This could have been a good opportunity to#work on not solely drawing from my mind and try to do more Dynamic Experimental scribbles. NO. Same exact eye for the 90th time#be upon ye. But I guess it was meant to be casual 'daily doodles'. True 'practice' would make it seem too effortful like a full project. hm#(lol the one decimated pencil in the set... never hand me a writing utensil. i will passively destroy it somehow. shaving the sides of a#pencil off with a knife or snapping a pen in half as a nervous fidget without even realizing i've done it. sorry to the drawing implements)
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although i know i wont ever be able to truly convey how i feel or think about something (which is fine) i have this extreme desire ... need even to attempt it anyway, i am constantly burning with needing to show people what im feeling, what i care about, i dont consider myself a good writer, i draw more than i write, i talk ... or try to, in pictures, that is how i connect with others
not being able to achieve it, or way too little with more and more piling up for so long feels like its killing me from the inside
#ganondoodles talks#i am extremely online dependend#i dont really have anyone outside direct family with none having interest in what i do#its been like this since i had to leave school#“not health-” i am aware.#goodnight#expecting to waking up and delete all that feeling very ashamed of myselff#for being such a whiny bitch and doing this over and over#even though my sister and little brother where here not eben a day ago#and it was nice and we had fun and i laughed alot ... shouldnt i feel.. better?
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the most annoying thing about me/cfs is that it's more like 10 different illnesses in a trenchcoat. i'll wake up with a new symptom and be like "oh okay, guess that's what we're doing today"
#pretty much anything can be a symptom of me/cfs so you're constantly left wondering if the new bullshit you're going through#is a sign of some other illness or if its just your old pal me/cfs getting creative again#ive been having a really bad whole body itch these past few days and i have no idea where it's coming from or when it's going to go away#but i would like not to feel like theres an electric current running beneath my skin thanks#i think the constant fatigue brain fog and muscle pain is more than enough#maybe it's just a crash or something though idk#(briefly) left the house for the first time in over a month on friday and it was really nice but my body Did Not Like It#so now its punishing me for my hubris#ugh#chronic illness#actually chronically ill#me/cfs#myalgic encephalomyelitis#chronic fatigue syndrome#can someone please come up with a better name for this illness#chronic illness fuckery
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someone’s donated a vintage (my guess late 60s or 70s) rocking horse and not to be a child but i wanna buy it sooo baaadddd its so cute oh my god .. i have literally no where to put it but i’m obsessed
#it came in and my volunteers and i got all excited because its soo nice#it is in perfect condition too !!!#they all then told me to sit on it .. 🧍♀️ urm.#i did though lmaoooo wow. i had a little rock and yeah if i had one of those as a kid maybe id not be wanting this one while in my 20s ough#anyway. i’m beyond tired today but im actually having a really nice day !!!#my area manager is coming in in a few hours though because we’re having a ‘chat’ just us two#i’d normally be nervous but rn i feel good#and honestly i’ve been feeling .. a lot better.. i guess lately. i’ve been feeling pretty good… hmm. anyway
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Guess who :3c (Patreon)
#My art#Webkinz#Diamond#Ukadevlog#Ghostkinz#Ta-dah! My November behind-the-scenes project was this! The poll was for this reason! Though I already knew I'd start with her haha#Have a little preview to start us off - I have Lots of thoughts to each part of development I ended up in but I want to roll them out slowly#Not everything all at once anyway haha - thoughts get all jumbled now that I'm on this side of things pft#I wasn't able to finish A Version I'd be willing to publish in just a month - even then I only worked on Ghostkinz about 3 days a week so#But for the time I spent I'm quite pleased with how its shaped up so far! :D I got to implement a lot!#Actually learning-then-implementing-then-learning-then-implementing - it's a loop I've been out of for such a long time now :0#Really interesting to fall back into after so long away haha#A lot of my other projects have been Pick Up One Thing and then do that forever and I was tired-tired of that!!#So going into this project knowing that I'd only have November to Get Guud at as much of it as possible and then that was it#I think it helped propel me - didn't end with me getting stuck on Perfecting Just This One Thing#I'd read a bit and then go utilize it and then come back and read some more of Zarla's template/walkthrough - compelling system!#I still couldn't manage to actually finish in a month but I got up to Phase 4!! Previous attempts at Ghost-making has gotten stalled at 1!!#Maaaybe 2 but never anything beyond that - and while I didn't actually Finish any Phase apart from 1 I still read through much much more!#On top of the learning aspect being fun ♪ getting to understand some of the more technical side ahh - it was also just fun to read haha#Like a course that can be silly hehe ♫ Enjoyable even outside of getting to make a little guy for my screen haha#But also yes that too!! I'm really glad I finally settled on an idea that I feel confident in seeing through#The best part about reaching for the Webkinz style is that Webkinz uses vectors - I've gone on record multiple times as loving vectors#They're an exceptionally easy medium to manipulate and that was The Thing that had been holding me back from committing to Ghosts prior#Drawing every single thing when I already struggle to plug in my tablet...no...... But Vectors#You can see here that Diamond's expressions are just a matter of tilting her head and moving her tail - so so soooo simple with vectors#Being able to super-quickly put out a lot of different expressions and animations and piecemeal everything together...yes..........#And for what further I have in mind :3c It's really all I could ask for in an art style to seek ah ♪ Just right for my purposes!#I thought it'd be nice to show off Diamond-for-real as her plush next to her digital version as well :D She's still the only OG8 I have#I want more!! I'd love to have a code for her as well haha - secretly just started this so I can have a digital Diamond lol#Plush-Diamond actually wears a necklace these days but I opted to leave it off her for the photoshoot - maybe once I figure out clothes haha
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'and know for the love of god you need to suffer, because there is a god who demands to be bled for.'
a redraw of alexandre cabanel's 'the fallen angel'
#m0thz art#m0thz ocs#artists on tumblr#original art#original character#demon oc#im not really sure where this quote comes from#ive had it in my log for a while now#but anyway.#this drawing has been plaguing me for a while now#like. for multiple weeks#i feel like i could do better shading wise but whatvever#i cant be bothered with it anymore i jsut needed it to be done#im VERY happy with how it looks for the most part though#just think theres some things that i could change / fix#but its okay#im content#i hope you have a nice day / night#i love you
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post-forced-extension of that assignment i was losing my mind about tuesday/wednesday i experienced a very familiar "ah.... it's as if the deadline no longer exists....." feeling that has now been replaced with "wait i still can't find the resources i need. and i don't know how to organize this. and i don't know what im presenting on (<- super broad topic and i can't fucking find the information i actually need bc our university doesn't?? give us jstor subscriptions or whatever anymore??? so it's all scholarly stuff i can't read or ppl's blogs which im not fucking using for this and half of them just copy entire paragraphs from encyclopedia britannica. who is saving my ass but whatever)" mixed with "I'll figure it out later 🙂↕️" IM PRESENTING IT IN 11 HOURS 💀💀💀
#im having a really hard time focusing too. which always happens bc when AM i focusing anymore but like#still. would love to do anything but stare blankly at my screen humming will wood songs for like an hour. if anyone can make that happen#can someone just fucking tell me what the effects of ireland's political Situation in the 20th century meant for its literature#im begging you just tell me because im finding nothing. i have read so much General History but i can't find lit analysis thats not paywalld#and thats what the presentation's supposed to be on. not a bio of wb yeats which is all im getting somehow#why is this so hard why couldnt i have just presented on the byronic hero or something. fuckkkk#at least i have rascal lying behind me in the chair. we are ass to ass sorta in solidarity (he doesnt care)#he has been oddly cuddly the past couple of days which is nice. have i mentioned that? whatever#but like i havent even edited the ppt since wednesday morning. ive jist been doing more research i have to write a script and do visuals#and it has to be under 15 mins even though im talking about ireland starting before the famine AND the literature from that whole period#if i can fucking FIND ANYTHING ON IT GRRRRR and also can someone just tell me when the celtic tiger happened#idk why but im struggling to find super basic facts and i feel like im losing my MIND. why is this so shitty#it's not supposed to be this hard why is everything. soooooo hard for me all the time orz orz orz
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mtt anniversary is on september 1st but i'm already having idess over here in january,,,,,,
#do you think they'd make a big deal out of it or would it just be another day#horror would forgot 500% (he's so REAL) (i forget the day i immigrated to america every year 💀💀💀)#dust would remember it but he'd only bring it up if horror or killer brought it up#killer??? i have no fucking idea man#(i haven't been mtt posting lately (even though i have 8 things in queue i wanna edit so i can post) because of killer#i STILL dont wanna get him wrong (because if i get his character wrong i suck AND that messes up the rest of the trio too#so once i do my killer analysis (SOON TRUST 🙏🙏🙏) ill finally get back to mtt posting and thinking 🙂🙂☹️🙂🙂🙂)#for their anniversary what should they do for shits and giggles.......hmmmhmmmmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm.........#in my head they've already visited so mant different countries and aus and done any and all activity with eachother#its like i can't even imagine them doing something special for their anniversary because they've already DONE IT ALL#that's really cute but also REALLY BORING!!!!! they should do something really fun :3#i dont know what but i can see them at a stupidly fancy restaurant#killer does the 'here comes the airplane' thing to horror and because he's in a good mood horror plays along#even though none of them dare to care that much dust makes a toast so fucking sincere and kind and honest#that it makes horror blush and killer genuinely tears up#and they just have such a nice time chilling and relaxing and just enjoying each other's company#for ONCE theyre not fighting!!!! this moment is too inoffensive to try and disrupt anyways#alright and just to drag some blood into this (because cmmoooonnnn its mtt) they go out for a night of crime later on#because they ALWAYS come up with something new and fun to do together that is also very illegal and very wrong#alone they are fairly chill. together they make eachother worse. getting along together???? THEY RUIN THE WORLD#tricule rant#anyways i love the murder time trio september mtt anniversary i'll make that on my calendar ASAP
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vivilly thoughts in my brained
#i want to draw him but i got so pissed earlier I couldn't even think straight 😭😭 SO I DIDN'T#ive been watching dsmp comps the whole day too. man i miss those times HDJCJEKFJ#feels nice actually being able to talk about this here though#no one can ignore me if i'm by myself#no one can make fun of me like this#i can just speak and speak and speak and maybe someone will hear. whoever that might be#ALSO I FORGOT THIS NAME IS ALSO SORT OF MY DISCORD USERNAME OH NO#so scared what if one of the dudebros from vivilly's server finds me AAAAHHHH#theyre like weirdly transphobic if i had pronouns in my bio they'd call me a woman#i hate his discord server actually#people can be so offensive#legit if a cis man with he/him in his bio went into that server and tried talking shit everyone would be like “WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN”#it doesn't help because the ava situation viv talked about kind of showed how weird viv can be with pronouns too#like he used she her a few times but for the entire rest of the video he Seemingly Just Forgot#or he's one of those people that misgender the person in question when he's talking abt them before their transition#i really hope he isnt doing it on purpose though. he is such a comfort youtuber to me. him and palpers mean so much to me its fucking insane
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um today is so fucking weird
#getting love from all the wrong ppl today wtf is going onnnn haha#the second one was actually really nice but no#I feel like I’ve lived 2 days in one already#and the first one reminds me maybe I should delete fb I hate it anyway#even if I deactivate it though I think messenger stays#bb boy u lost#the courage is admirable though#like actually cus huh but it’s not me haha#also just debated math at my swamped busy ass lil job for 15 mins I'm already done#I always find it so funny when ppl don’t assume my jobs a SHIT show busy it’s like feral in here can’t be down asiles bad#all these waspy rich bored ppl want 500 christmas cards and mugs and to fight#with no staff or incompetent ones lol#it’s ok it’s my fault for being here still hahah#I’d probably be so bored at a slow place and not under constant trauma#but also something better will come along#and the slow work I’ve been doing for me will someday come together if its suppose to#my bed missing me so bad rn and it's MUTUAL#dislike this cold dark weather and dealing with so many humans#wanna be in me room
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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thinking pondering to me john torres is like. what if u met a woman. with confidence and dignity and a strong moral backbone. you meet and she makes a distinct impression with her honesty and her frankness and she seems like she's always sure of what she wants and what she needs and she's so different from anyone else you know and thats exciting and she's exciting and she likes you specifically you. and you don't think much of you but it feels good to be liked by someone like that. you love her of course. you marry her. of course!
#diary#miral of course miral this post as all other posts on my blog is about miral. head in my hands#john torres and his projected insecurities and shitty behavior you will always be infamous.#im so deeply rooted in my headcanons for them i have au's . girl the universe isnt even that well established ?#call me b'elanna torres the way i'm turning miral and john over in my head to figure out what the heck happened#in my head john and miral are like. john voice she's never stuttered in her life she always knows what to do she's very serious strong head#on her shoulders. my kind of woman.#meanwhile miral is like. act first pray on it later was that a mistake? well what is a mistake really this is my path now#and i'll have to see how to handle what has been done. seeing as now it can't be changed shrugs. the honorable thing to do.#i also think they see a lot of their flaws as like-#consequences of their cultures and not like personal flaws which can sometimes be true but also sometimes they are very much flaws in the#person.#miral is a little too sure of herself bordering on arrogance and likes control. john is like ahh klingons and their surefootedness :)#<- a little correct but also very wrong.#john is very like. at his worst a cold shoulder bad at personal confrontation kind of a pushover quick to resent but usually just seems#serious and occasionally quiet . normally social tho! so miral is like. a consequence of his upbringing that can't be changed. i will#take him as he is.#which is a nice sentiment and would normally be applied well unless you are these two specifically.#what happens when its 10 or even just five years later and you're getting tired of the cowardice? what happens when its five years later and#you can't go a day without arguing? what happens then.#did you confuse her arrogance for poise for assertiveness? did you confuse her recklessness with courage? whos wrong her or you?#miral voice is he a fool does he not care? he's content to just stand by? cower?#i think from the klingon pov a man who isn't willing to fight for you and your relationship must be devastatinggggg#not literally of course here but also literally. lol#but yeah what does it do to you when the person you love won't even argue with you anymore just totally pulls away? leaves. head in my hands#who do you think fell first. idk but i know who fell harder! :) <- tears in my eyes#i really like pathways where they made miral like a chatty woman and had her offer to host parties for b'elanna and her friends it was so#sweet i should read it again.#i like her to be a little crazy though <3 :)
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