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whenisitenoughtrees · 5 years ago

Text

the point in just drowning another day

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Janus murmurs, voice entirely too knowing, entirely too understanding, and Patton doesn't know that he can handle the depth of this empathy. “You deserve to have the support that you’ve been trying so hard to provide.”

Patton is struggling far more than he wants to admit, both with his loneliness and the crushing weight of the mistakes he's made, and it's sending him spiraling. It doesn't help that apparently, his amphibian traits are here to stay.

Content Warnings: depression, mild body horror

Word Count: 6,900

Pairing: Moceit

(masterpost w/ ao3 links)

It is a grey day today.

He hasn’t had one in a while, but he’s sensed it approaching for the past few days, so he supposes it’s his own fault that it hits this bad; he willfully ignored all the warning signs, pushed aside his fatigue and his slowly souring mood, telling himself that he was alright, that he was being silly, that the feelings would pass. And now, the world is grey, the colors leeched from it like a black-and-white film, and a weight sits heavily on his chest, making every breath a struggle.

He needs to get up. He knows this. Knows he should have been up hours ago, that he should be making breakfast, eggs and sausage and pancakes, should be smiling and happy and ready to greet the world. The others are probably waiting for him, wondering where he is, why he’s not there.

Only, they’re not. And he knows that too. For the past month, family breakfasts have dwindled to a rarity; Roman spends all his time in the Imagination, Virgil almost never leaves his room for anything, and whenever Logan makes an appearance, it’s only to grab food and leave, heading back to his work and his planning with barely a backwards glance. Too often, he prepares meals alone and eats them alone, at an empty dining table, the room silent except for the fridge humming in the background. The house is empty and still, and he sits alone with his thoughts and the knowledge that he has failed all of them. That he has no one to blame for this but himself.

If he had been less strict, could this have been avoided? If he had been more open to others’ opinions, open to change? If he had been better at understanding Virgil, less eager to shut out Logan, more perceptive of the issues that Roman tried so hard to hide?

He’s losing his family, has already lost them, inch by creeping inch. And it’s all his fault, and the morning dawns grey and cold, and no matter what he tells himself, he cannot persuade his body to leave his bed.

It’s not that he’s comfortable. He’s not. His mattress feels too lumpy, his blankets too hot, too stifling, and his pillow too soft and yielding. His skin itches, too, itches like it is trying to crawl off his bones, but he can barely make himself move at all, cannot stir from his curled up position. One hand lays near his head, in his line of sight, and one by one, he twitches his fingers, raising them off the mattress before letting them drop again. He tracks the motion, almost fascinated by the way his muscles shift, as much as he is capable of being fascinated by anything right now.

Something about the hand looks odd. It feels odd, too, large and clumsy, almost disconnected from the rest of him. He thinks he should probably be alarmed by this, but he can’t work up the energy.

He needs to get up. He knows this. The hours are slipping away. Soon, it will be too late for breakfast at all.

He lies there and thinks instead. Thinks of all the harm he’s done lately, to Thomas and to the rest of them. Thinks about how Virgil has pulled away from him, how he skipped over Logan’s contributions, somehow convincing him that he doesn’t care about him. How he’s been fighting so hard against the idea that Deceit and Remus could help Thomas at all, how he labelled them as the things that make Thomas bad, only to find out that Janus, at least, has been advocating for Thomas the whole time, and if that is the case, perhaps Remus, too, is not nearly as terrible as he’s always believed.

He thinks about the bitterness on Roman’s face as he sunk out. The disbelief in his voice, the betrayal, the pain. He thinks about the fact that he hasn’t seen Roman since, that Roman has locked the door and refuses to answer, no matter how much he pleads and apologizes.

He lies there, carried by the grey day haze, and thinks that apologies don’t really amount to much, in the end, because apologies don’t fix anything. They don’t reverse time, don’t repair shattered trust or heal deep wounds. At best, they are a bandage, helpful when the injury is small but utterly ineffective otherwise, and these wounds are like vast chasms rending them all apart.

Patton thinks that he might be the bad one. Bad for Thomas. Bad for his family.

So maybe, he should just stay here. Should stay in bed, away from everyone, at least until he figures out what to do, how not to hurt them anymore, but really, wouldn’t they be better off without him as a whole? Without him there to impose his rules, his black-and-white mentality that has done so much damage? He has tried so hard, these past few weeks, to adjust his worldview, to make room for change, but how much does it really matter when he has already broken so much?

Not that he has much of a choice right now. He can’t get up.

So he lies there. Minutes blend into hours blend into seconds, and he has no idea how much time passes. Surely it is afternoon by now. He hopes everyone found something to eat.

His skin itches.

He’ll be fine, eventually. He is well aware of this, well aware that grey days pass, like melting snow revealing blooming spring flowers. Except, not like that, not exactly, because these days, the melting snow seems to reveal nothing but cold, hard ground, frozen through. But it is easier to walk on ground than through snow, easier to smile and laugh and pretend that everything is alright, to tell yourself that everything is alright, when you don’t have to fight just to walk, to keep your balance.

It’s repression. He is well aware of that, well aware of the consequences, of the toll this takes on him. He does listen when he is told about these things, even if it might take longer for the message to sink in, for the rest of him to catch up to what his brain already knows. But he can’t deal with his own problems right now, not until everyone else is alright again, and really, most of the time he thinks he’s got a lot of nerve to have problems at all. He’s the one who hurt them, so what right does he have to be acting this way, like he’s the one with a broken heart?

The grey thickens. Tears blur his vision. He feels like he’s inhaling thick fog, like every breath comes in hard and labored.

He could stop breathing, if he wanted. He’s not human. He doesn’t need to breathe to exist.

It’s tempting. Tempting to just… stop. To discorporate his human form, to spend a few days as an automatic function, to spend a few days without remembering, without worrying, without the guilt that is a constant weight on his shoulders. But it would be a reprieve he’s done nothing to deserve.

His skin itches.

He doesn’t expect the knock at the door. Under any other circumstance, he might jerk in surprise, but his body is held fast as if by molasses. So he lies there, looking at the door through half-lidded eyes, and wonders if he’s supposed to answer. He doesn’t think he can, doesn’t think his mouth will cooperate long enough to form words, and his tongue lies thick and unwieldy behind his teeth. If he doesn’t say anything, will they leave? Assume he’s sleeping, perhaps? Or will they come in and see him like this, miserable and drowning and unable to do something so simple as sit up in bed?

He doesn’t know which option he likes less.

It doesn’t matter, though, because the door cracks open, bright light spilling in from the hallway, and he has to squint at the figure silhouetted there.

“Patton?” someone asks. Janus’ voice.

He doesn’t reply. Can’t. Maybe if he says nothing, he’ll leave it be. He’s not up for a debate, or for wading his way through another moral quandary. Janus seems to like both of those things, and lately, Patton has been more than happy to engage with him, to draw out sharp words and sharper smiles and occasionally, genuine laughs that do something to his stomach. Janus has been the only one willing to spend any time with him at all, these days, and he cherishes those moments, gathering them up like fallen leaves and clutching them to his chest as a reminder that he still has a purpose, that he can still make this right.

But not today. He can’t do this today.

Janus steps into the room, closing the door behind him, and the vague hope he’d mustered deflates, like a sad, punctured balloon. That’s what he feels like right now. A sad, punctured balloon. A sad, itchy, punctured balloon. And Janus is going to see that he feels like a sad, itchy, punctured balloon, and he doesn’t know why, but the idea sends an ache radiating through his chest.

“I could sense you lying to yourself,” Janus says, but his voice is far softer than his words would imply. “Are you alright?”

He blinks, slowly. He supposes that it’s fairly obvious how he feels, fairly obvious that he’s not alright. And even if it weren’t, Janus sniffs out lies like a bloodhound on a trail.

“Feel not great,” he manages. It takes a monumental effort to force the words through his lips, and they hang heavily in the air, thick and distorted. “Sorry.”

Janus crosses the room and kneels on the floor next to the bed, holding steady eye contact. His eyes are mesmerizing, one brown and one gold, both staring with an intensity that Patton wishes he could find it in himself to return. His expression is cool and blank, but a small divot presses between his eyebrows, and if Patton had the willpower, he might try to smooth it away.

He doesn’t, though, so it’s a moot point.

“You don’t need to apologize for the way you feel,” Janus says. “It’s alright to be sad.”

He understands that. He does. They did a whole video about it, once, back when things were so much simpler, the stakes so much lower. Back when he still felt secure in his ability to guide Thomas well, to help him be the good person that he knows he is.

But how can he explain that he doesn’t feel sad? That he feels nothing but grey and empty, disconnected from himself and his body and his emotions, left with nothing but constant ruminations on the past and all the ways he’s messed up. Even his guilt feels distant, like it’s surrounding him but unable to touch, kept at bay by the grey cloud swarming his thoughts and dulling his vision. He wishes he felt sad, wishes he felt guilt, that steady companion, wishes he could feel anything at all. But he is an empty container, filled by nothing but swirling grey smoke, no substance there at all.

And he can’t get up.

Janus lets out a slow breath, brow furrowing even further when he doesn’t respond. He reaches forward and takes his hand where it is lying on the mattress, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles in a soothing, repetitive pattern. It would feel nicer if he took off his gloves, if he allowed skin to skin contact, but Patton won’t push for that, wouldn’t even if he had the strength to make the words leave his mouth.

He’s not sure what he did to deserve any comfort at all. Especially not from Janus, who perhaps has the most right out of anybody to hate him, after all the years he spent pushing him to the side and calling him evil, who he still hasn’t properly apologized to, not really.

Perhaps he’s here to see if he can get him out of bed. Breakfast has long since passed, but perhaps there’s still time for a late lunch, if he could muster up the motivation to prepare it. And Janus does represent Thomas’ self-preservation, so it would make sense for him to want to make sure that all of the sides are doing their jobs.

But for a long time, Janus says nothing at all. Just holds his hand, lightly traces patterns into his skin.

“Is there anything that I could do to help?” he asks eventually, voice low and earnest. It is almost enough to banish the grey, if only for a moment, because it has been so long since any of the others trusted him enough for this question, trusted him enough to help him or to ask him for help, and he wants to say yes, wants to ask him to spend time with him, to watch a movie, maybe, or cat videos on the internet, because nobody’s done that with him in weeks, and he’s so, so lonely.

But then he remembers why he’s lonely, why they’re avoiding him, and the grey filters back in. Because it’s his fault, and if he cannot face the consequences of his actions, then what good is he as Morality?

So he makes a noise, one that comes out halfway between a grunt and a whine, and hopes that’s good enough to appease Janus’ question, to make him feel that he’s done his duty.

Janus frowns at him, and his hand stills. Patton expects him to pull away, but instead, his grip tightens slightly, and he tugs Patton’s hand toward him, inspecting it. Patton watches, vaguely confused, as his frown deepens, and he pushes back the sleeve of his pajama shirt to look at his forearm.

“Patton,” he starts slowly, “are you aware of…” He trails off, gesturing, and Patton stares at him, trying to read his meaning in the lines of his face. It’s something he’s concerned about, clearly, which makes Patton think he should be concerned too; maybe even alarmed, seeing as the point of contention seems to have something to do with his arm. He can’t work up anything more than a mild curiosity, but that is enough to get him to angle his head to look at what Janus is referring to.

At first, he doesn’t notice anything wrong. He feels an odd dissociation from the entire limb, as if what he’s seeing isn’t attached to his body, much less something that should concern him. And the more he stares, the more unreal it appears. But eventually, his gaze drifts to what Janus likely believes to be the issue: his skin is covered in mottled patches of green, each blemish appearing stretched and dry and flaky. They itch, too, itch just like his entire body has been itching, and if these blotches are the cause, his entire body must be covered in them. As if in response to his consideration, the itching, scratching sensation increases, almost enough to motivate him into movement.

His body is so heavy, though, and his mind so sluggish. This seems like something he should care about, something that should scare him, and the fear is there, he thinks. But it’s lurking beyond the grey fog, and it can’t touch him.

“What is it?” he murmurs, or at least tries. It comes out sounding more like, “Whazzit?” but it’s intelligible, at least.

Janus runs a finger down his arm, a feather-light touch that sends shivers down his spine.

“Are you sure you want to know?” he asks.

Patton stares. What is he supposed to say to that? He doesn’t much care to know about anything right now; all he wants in this moment is to bury himself in the covers until this horrible emptiness goes away.

Maybe it will be gone by dinner. Maybe he could make dinner. Make dinner for people who aren’t going to eat it. Stick it in tupperware in the fridge and let it go bad because nobody but him is eating it.

“Itches,” he says, his eyes slipping closed. “Don’t feel good.”

As he says it, the grey slides away a bit, as if it were waiting for such an admission, and the overwhelming influx of sensation catches him off guard. It’s more than just an itchiness; it’s a tightness, too, like his skin is a bit too small for him, and he is struck by a need to squirm and scratch. Something is wrong, he realizes, and the fear that is creeping into the corners of his mind is worse than the grey emptiness, because even though his brain has begun to process the world again, his limbs still feel too heavy to move, his chest too constricted to bring in enough air.

He whimpers. Janus sucks in a breath, and he opens his eyes again to see that he’s changed position, has shifted to sitting on the edge of the bed rather than kneeling on the floor, and is leaning over him, arms hovering above his body but not touching.

“I’m going to help you sit up,” Janus says, “unless you have any objections.”

Patton does not, in fact, have any objections. The grey is receding far faster than it came on, leaving him at the mercy of all the fear and sadness and guilt that he’s been contemplating, and with each passing second, his panic grows, because his body is not cooperating with him in the slightest and something is wrong.

Janus gently pulls him upright, and he slumps forward, all of his weight crashing onto Janus’ chest. Janus appears to take this in stride, wrapping his arms around him in a hug that Patton would very much enjoy if he could return it, but his arms refuse to listen to him, hanging by his sides like limp, bloated noodles.

“You don’t currently feel like you have an outlet for your emotional distress,” Janus says starkly, bluntly. “You’ve been repressing it in an effort to focus on fixing your relationships with the others, but the fact that that is going nowhere only worsens your state of mind.” He pauses. “The last time you experienced an instance of severe emotional distress, you turned into a giant frog. It is… possible that after that display, Thomas now associates you with… amphibian-like traits, shall we say, to a degree, just as he associates me with snakes.”

His breath catches, and the memory comes flooding back in full force. The terror, the awful sensation as his body transformed, as his mind worked at a fever-pitch, desperate and confused until he didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, until he resorted to such terrible tactics to try to work everything out, until he lashed out in anger and pain and hurt Thomas--

He can’t hurt Thomas. He can’t. He can’t do this again. He won’t let himself do this again.

The itching increases, like millions of tiny needles being jammed into his skin over and over again. He needs to calm down, he knows, because if he’s going to stop this he has to be calm, but the grey has abandoned him to his emotional turmoil, and he tries desperately to press it all down, because he knows that repression is bad but it has to be better than this, better than turning into a monster again--

“I think some healthy, open-ended discussion would do you some good,” Janus continues. “So, not that I care at all, but if you wanted, we could-- Patton? Patton, you need to calm down.”

He’s trying. He’s trying, but he can’t, and it’s too late, because he can already feel it happening, can feel his body begin to twist and warp and change no matter how hard he tries to stop it, no matter how hard he tries to ground himself, to keep himself human. And Janus is saying something, something loud and urgent, but his voice rings and echoes and Patton can’t understand a word of it.

So he closes his eyes and stops fighting it. There is a single, gut-wrenching lurch, and his hands hit the bedspread as he fumbles for balance, and then everything is silent. He should open his eyes, should face the music, but he doesn’t want to see Janus’ expression, whether it be anger or fear or disgust or scorn. And he doesn’t want to see the mess he’s surely made of his room, the destruction, like last time, doesn’t want to open his eyes and find that he’s looming over everything else, that he’s cracked his ceiling and crushed his bed.

“Oh,” Janus says. His voice is still oddly echoey, and Patton can’t interpret his tone at all. “Oh. Well. Ah, I totally expected this. Definitely. Um. Oh, gosh.”

Is he flustered? Surely, that can’t be right. He’s pretty sure that Janus doesn’t do flustered. But he has to know, now, has to look, so he opens his eyes.

He expects to be looking down. Instead, he finds himself looking up. It is Janus that towers over him, rather than the other way around, Janus that towers over him with unmitigated shock written on his face. Patton blinks, just to be sure that he isn’t seeing things, and as he does, his brain helpfully provides him with a million other things that are wrong with this picture; the ceiling, for instance, is miles above him, and his bed is as vast as an ocean.

He tries to speak, tries to ask what’s going on, but all that emerges from his mouth is a shrill squeak. He attempts to stand, then, or at least sit up, but every effort sends him sprawling on all fours, his limbs clunky and uncoordinated and unfamiliar. His panic mounts as he finds himself unable to do much of anything at all, and he flails, trying to attain some amount of control.

“Oh gosh, okay,” Janus says, and leans down. “I know this is scary, but you’re fine, I swear. Actually, honestly swear. You’re going to be absolutely fine.”

Everything clicks then, and Patton goes still, staring at his own limb stretched out in front of him, long and thin and green and four-toed. He’s a frog, he realizes. A tiny frog. His whole body feels so odd, so different, out of place and completely foreign, and it’s because he’s a frog. Not a weird, giant, humanoid frog monster, but an actual frog.

He focuses back on Janus and squeaks again. For some reason, Janus’ right cheek reddens.

“Fuck,” he mutters, glancing away, and Patton would chide his use of language, but he’s pretty sure by now that he can’t talk. “Okay, um, you’re not cute at all, so don’t even ask. But this is definitely not normal, and it will definitely last for a very long time. Accidental transformations always do.” He frowns, tilting his head slightly before shaking it. “You know what I mean. Which is to say that I myself am occasionally a snake, so I know what I’m talking about.”

He blinks. He didn’t know that Janus could actually transform into a snake, though now that he reflects on it, he supposes that there’s no reason why not. It makes him wonder just how much more he doesn’t know about him. How much he never bothered to learn.

Okay, so. He’s a frog now. A small, squeaky frog. So, this is a lot better than he thought it would be. And Janus is implying that this will wear off eventually, so he can just… stay here, right? Stay in bed, not bother anybody else with this? Wait until he changes back? Bit by bit, the fear drains out of him, leaving him exhausted. And with the fear gone, the adrenaline dissipating, the grey creeps back in. Not as bad as it was before. But enough so that remaining in bed for at least the next few hours sounds very, very appealing.

He looks up at Janus, his eyelids drooping, and tries to convey that he can leave now, that he’ll be fine with just… sitting here for a bit, on his covers, until everything goes back to normal. However long that takes. However that’s supposed to happen. He should probably be more worried about how to reverse this, but now that the terror of the moment is over, he finds himself willing enough to allow things to happen as they happen. He’s not sure he could marshal the energy to force himself to change back even if he knew exactly how.

“Wait here a moment,” Janus says suddenly. “I’ll be right back.” He stands and sinks out directly, and Patton watches him go, vague disappointment filtering though his mind. Sure, he didn’t want Janus to think that he is obligated to stay with him, to deal with the mess that he is, but some part of him had hoped that he would stick around anyway. The grey seems to lift, a little bit, with someone else by his side, seems to shy away from the warm presence of another person’s voice.

Minutes pass. Or perhaps it’s hours. He has long since given up keeping track of time, and in the middle of a bed that is far, far too large, in a body that is entirely familiar to him, Patton feels himself begin to drift.

But then, Janus comes back, rising up in the middle of his room, a laptop tucked under his arm, several blankets thrown over it. Patton rouses himself with some effort, staring as Janus approaches, gently placing the laptop and blankets on the bed.

“I thought we could watch a movie, if that’s alright,” Janus says, and pulls a DVD case apparently out of nowhere, holding it up for inspection. It’s The Aristocats, the title written in swirling golden letters, and Patton can’t help but let out a croak in surprise. Janus shrugs, glancing away.

“I figured you would like this one,” he says. “I mean. Disney and cats. So.”

The right side of his face once again flushes a bright, cherry red, and even like this, even in this fugue-like state, Patton is absolutely touched. Not only that Janus cares enough to remember what he likes, but also that he wants to spend time with him? That he would drop any other plan he might have had to watch a movie with him, presumably to help him feel better?

He didn’t know that frogs could cry. But tears well up in his eyes, and he blinks them away.

“Just an idea,” Janus says, his eyes going wide. “We don’t have to. We could pick another movie! It would be such a problem to pick something else!”

No!

Patton wants to scream, wants to shout, because he’s misinterpreting his tears, because in this moment, Patton barely has the strength to want anything at all, and yet there is nothing more that he wants than to watch this movie with Janus. But he can’t speak, can’t make his vocal cords produce anything more than squeaks and croaks, so he pushes past the grey to do the only thing he can think might work.

These limbs are unfamiliar to him. But he knows a few things about frogs, knows how far they can jump. So jump he does, surprising himself with the power in his own back legs, and launches himself at Janus, who flinches, stumbling back, but too late to prevent Patton from sticking his landing, right on his cheek.

“Oh,” he says, stammering. Patton is certain that he has heard Janus stutter more today than in all the years he’s known him. “Um. What?”

Patton takes a moment to breathe, and to comprehend the fact that his feet are literally sticking to Janus’ skin. He adjusts himself, settles in more firmly, and then lets out a loud, intentional croak.

It’s all he can do. He just has to hope that Janus understands, understands that he doesn’t want him to leave, that he doesn’t want him to change a single thing.

“Oh,” Janus says again. He takes great care not to move his mouth much, takes great care not to dislodge Patton, and it would be enough to coax a smile out of him, if frogs could smile. “Are you… is this alright, then?”

He croaks again, and the muscles in Janus’ cheek twitch as he resists a smile.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll get it set up, then, shall I?”

And he does, popping the movie into the laptop’s disc tray and wrapping himself in soft blankets as he settles against the headboard. He arranges the blanket in an odd way, creating a series of folds on his shoulder, and it is not until he gestures at it that Patton realizes that it is meant for him, that Janus purposefully made a place for him to sit. He jumps down, almost falling before he steadies himself, barely preventing his limbs from tangling with each other, and snuggles into the soft fabric, reveling in the way it brushes against his skin.

The grey is still present, still pervasive, filling him with an emptiness, with a void. But the void itself has filled a bit, filled with warmth, with the knowledge that Janus is doing this for him, even if he doesn’t quite understand why.

The movie begins to play. He turns his attention to the screen, and even though his mind wanders, slips away at some points, he does feel a little bit better, a little more present, a little less like he wants to stagnate in his room forever.

Janus is quiet throughout the first stretch of the movie, though Patton can sense him shooting him glances every now and again. But as Duchess meets O’Malley for the first time, he speaks up, face forward, eyes fixed on the screen.

“The first time I transformed was confusing,” he murmurs, as if to himself, though surely, he hasn’t forgotten that Patton is there, that Patton can hear him. “Thomas was so young, and I didn’t know what was happening. The scales had been appearing for a while, but I never thought that I could change so completely. It was a moment of emotion, frustration at not being heard, when Thomas got in trouble that a white lie easily could have prevented. One minute I was having a meltdown in my room, and the next I was a snake.” He chuckles a bit, as though the memory is fond, though it doesn’t sound that way.

How much distress was he in, Patton wonders? How confused was he, how scared, his body warping and changing and no one at all there to help him?

“This is all to say that I’ve since learned to control it. I’d demonstrate, but I hardly think that turning into a snake while you are a very small frog would put your mind at ease.” Janus sighs, fiddling with the bottom of his capelet. “But you can learn to control it, too, provided that these traits stick.”

Patton wishes he could say something, anything at all. But his voice is gone, twisted so that small sounds are the only thing he can produce, so he stays quiet, listening to Janus talk. In a way, it’s a blessing, the inability to respond. None of the impetus of the conversation is put on him, so he feels no pressure to muster up replies that would surely be lackluster, given his emotional state, or lack thereof.

“But that’s not really the point right now, is it?” Janus says softly. “The more pressing concern is why you transformed this time. You must have been on the verge of it for hours, subconsciously holding yourself back from it.”

He shifts. He’d woken up itchy and uncomfortable, his mind buried in the grey and unable to do anything about it, unable to move at all, much less rouse himself into action. He hopes that this won’t happen every time he has a grey day. He can’t afford to lose time like this. There’s too much to do, and though grey days are bad enough on their own, he can force himself to work through them, sometimes, when the haze isn’t too strong. He can’t do that if he’s always turning into a frog when he gets overwhelmed.

“I do hope you know that your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s,” Janus says, and Patton stiffens. “To be sure, you messed up, and the others have every right to be upset, but I challenge you to find any one of us that hasn’t accidentally screwed everyone else over at some point.” He pauses. “Or even on purpose. Which you are assuredly not guilty of.”

The words buzz in his head, vibrating in the fog, and Patton’s not entirely sure that he understands what Janus is saying, not entirely sure that he has the energy to try. What do intentions matter? Messing up is messing up, and even if he didn’t mean to, he’s hurt everyone in the mindscape. If it wasn’t anything to be upset about, he wouldn’t be upset, would he?

“And of course, it’s not like they’re to blame for this at all,” Janus continues. “It’s not like they’re being immature, hiding away in their rooms and refusing to confront their problems.” He shakes his head. “Patton, you have to understand that it is not your job to ensure their emotional competence. All you can do is try your best, and if they refuse to meet you halfway, that’s on them, not you. You shouldn’t blame yourself when you’re obviously doing everything you can to own up to and fix your mistakes.”

Patton croaks, the denial ripped from his throat. He’s never seen it that way, didn’t think that he could see it that way, but Janus’ voice is streaking the grey through with yellow and gold, forcing him to confront the root of the problem in a way that he never has before.

“There is no such thing as a perfect person,” Janus says. “You’ve learned that by now, learned that Thomas himself is nowhere near flawless. But that applies to you as well. You’re allowed to make mistakes, to learn and grow from them. No one should expect you to be right one hundred percent of the time, and that includes both yourself and them.”

Once again, his eyes well up with tears, and this time, they drip down, splattering onto the blankets.

He falls silent, then, the movie still playing but long since forgotten, and Patton has to take a moment to absorb what has just been said.

He’s not too hard on himself. He can’t be. Everything he’s said and thought these past few weeks has been true, completely and utterly; it was his mistakes that drove the others away from him, and it is his responsibility to correct those mistakes. And if the others don’t want to see him, don’t want to talk to him, then that’s fine. It’s their right, and he doesn’t blame them at all, can’t possibly blame them when most of him believes that they’re right to do so, right to avoid him, because after everything, he can’t possibly deserve--

Oh.

But Janus says he does deserve it. That he deserves help, that he deserves support. Who, then, is right?

“Think about it this way,” Janus says, as if sensing his struggle. “If your positions were reversed, if, say, Virgil had messed up and everyone was avoiding him, would you think that’s what he deserved?”

Well, of course not. Everyone deserves love and support, even when they make mistakes, because--

Oh.

The realization comes crashing down with the force of the loudest thunderclap, and something deep within him twists, wrenches at his heart and at his stomach, and all the breath is knocked out of him as he suddenly finds himself falling forward, landing hard on Janus’ lap, arms and legs achy and all too human. Janus yanks his arms out from under the blankets to catch him, his lips parted in surprise.

“But I hurt them,” Patton says, the words ripped from him as if by force, desperate, like the world might just crumble into pieces if he doesn’t get an answer. “I hurt all of them, so much.”

“And their hurt is valid,” Janus says. “Each one of them is entitled to their anger and their pain. But Patton, so are you.”

He bursts into tears at that, the dam breaking at last, and he lurches forward, flinging his arms around Janus’ neck and burying his face into his shoulder where the blankets have slipped away. Janus makes a startled noise, and then brings his arms up to embrace him, holding him tight and close as he runs the gamut of all the emotions he has been pushing back.

“You’re loved,” Janus says. “They all love you, even though it may seem otherwise right now. They love you, and they’ll be ready to show it again, in time.” He pauses, and his next sentence carries a strange weight, a slightly different tone, a reticence and a rushed eagerness all at once. “And I love you, Patton. Please don’t forget that.”

He sniffles. “Even though I’m getting snot all over you?” he asks into his shirt, and Janus laughs, startled.

“Even so,” he answers. “It’s snot an issue.”

Patton gasps, thrilled despite himself. He still can’t bring himself to display the reaction he would normally have, but he manages a weak smile. “Pun,” he says, voice still muffled by fabric.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Janus says. “I would never in my life crack a pun. Lies and slander.”

Patton pulls back a bit, enough to see his face, and is shocked to find that he is crying too, though he looks much more dignified than Patton is certain he does. For a moment, his heart fills with an overflowing, overpowering love, and before he can think better of it, he leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Janus’ breath hitches, but Patton doesn’t back down, staring him straight in the eyes.

“I love you too,” he says, and in the moment, doesn’t know exactly how he means it. Just that it’s true, and right now, that is enough. “Thank you.”

He pours all of the sincerity, all of the emotion that he is capable of right now into the words. He needs Janus to understand how much it means that he is here, with him, willing to help him and to hold him.

Janus stares at him with something like affection and something like awe.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he says. “Not for this. Never for this.”

And Patton sighs, shifting position until he is leaning against Janus’ chest, tucking his head under his chin and turning his head so that he can see the movie. It’s almost over by now, Edgar receiving his just desserts.

“I still don’t feel great,” he murmurs, because he doesn’t. Better, now that he’s let his emotions out, now that he is human, now that he has someone with him, holding him, caring about him, loving him, but the grey still hovers around him, still lands heavily on his chest and in his head. If human contact were enough to solve it all completely, that would be a wonderful thing, but the greyness isn’t so simple, isn’t so easily banished. He doubts he’ll be able to gather the energy to make dinner tonight. He may not even feel better by tomorrow morning.

But Janus is with him, supporting without judgement, and that makes all the difference.

“That’s alright,” Janus says, kissing the top of his head. “You don’t need to be. Would you like to watch another movie? And by that I mean actually watch, not leave it on in the background as we discuss deep, abiding emotional issues.”

He manages a shaky laugh at that. “I’d like that,” he whispers. His voice emerges hoarse and thick, and it takes too much effort to get the words out. “Could we do Tangled?”

“A terrible choice,” Janus says, and summons the DVD with a wave of his hand, reaching around Patton to place the disc in the laptop. The title screen begins to play, and he adjusts the blankets so that they are both fully covered, and Patton curls into his side as the narration starts.

He still feels bad, and he knows he has so much more to work through. But the deep, aching loneliness has abated somewhat, and he knows that the greyness will fade away too, eventually. Until then, he has Janus here, with him, wrapped up in soft blankets, a comfort movie playing for both of them, and confessions dancing in the air between them, spoken but not quite elaborated on, not yet. And that’s alright, because there’s time, because the sun always shines brightest after the rain has passed.

He sighs, snuggles in closer, and allows himself to simply be.

Writing Taglist: @just-perhaps @the-real-comically-insane @jerrysicle-tree @glitchybina @psodtqueer

#sanders sides #ts sides #moceit #patton sanders #janus sanders #ts patton #ts janus #my fic #long post #patton: *ribbits*#janus: oh no you're adorable

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rayraywrites · 5 years ago

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Title: Just keep breathin’

Characters: Miyuki Kazuya, Sawamura Eijun

Relationship: Miyuki Kazuya & Sawamura Eijun | Miyuki Kazuya x Sawamura Eijun

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Total Word Count: 2539

AO3

Summary: Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin' I keep on breathin'

breathin' by Ariana Grande

His chest shuddered, a painful tug on his lungs as he struggled to bring in air. Hands scrambled against the wall, with his nails digging into the tiles in order to give him a point of anchor as he pressed back further. A stray sob made its way up his throat, catching at the base of his neck and leaving a painful lump. He tried to clear his throat, shifting the noise away and letting the life-giving oxygen in, but no matter what he tried, he failed.

“Did you hear about Miyuki?” The voices whispered to each other loudly.

The gasps came out louder and more scratchy as his vision blurred; stars danced in front of his eyes. His head felt heavy, but if it had been clear he would have surely chuckled. Having lived in Tokyo for his whole life, this was the most star-lit sky he’d ever seen. And his eyes were closed.

“Heard he won’t be playing any matches any time soon! Wonder what that does to a team?” It had been after class, two girls whispering to each other in the hallways. Uncaring as to who could hear them.

His legs came up against his chest, one hand and then the other shakily reaching around his knees and twining together tightly. He pushed his head into his legs, trying to use the smaller space to force air into his nose and mouth. For a few minutes the stall was silent aside from the forceful gasping. It worked, albeit slowly and not as effectively as he would have liked. But he could feel himself beginning to breathe cleanly. There were still shallow gasps escaping his mouth, nevertheless he began to relish the inhalations that were followed by shuddering exhales. When he finally reduced his breathing to a functioning but still laboured status, he pulled his head out of the proverbial box it had been shoved in.

Broken. Damaged. TIme away from the team. Healing. Replace the captain, catcher, and clean-up. Screw-up.

Eyes watered from the influx of light, but that was quickly blocked again as he slammed them close. For a moment he considered the thought of standing up, leaving the bathroom and heading to the privacy and confines of his room. He even tried to force himself up, pushing against the wall until he was half crouched on shaky legs. But his knees buckled under his unstable stance, fatigue draining him of all energy.

His mind might have felt like he was wading through gravy, a slow trudge to make any thought formulate, but even then he could tell that he was about to slam down onto the ground, knees first. But no pain came, no jarring slam to his legs which would leave the rest of his body to rattle like a shock absorber. Instead hands suddenly appeared under his arms and hoisted him up. They were familiar, a combination of rough, well-worn skin and a heat that seeped into his aching muscles. His eyes flashed up, locking with angry golden ones.

For a moment there was a stalemate between them. One was essentially crippled by his love of baseball until it left him injured beyond compare. The other feeling a righteous anger at being forgotten, but also a blend of guilt and concern surging through him that kept him mum on his grievances.

They continued to stare at each other until he couldn’t help the grunt of pain that leaked from his throat. The support to his body, while welcome, was pulling on his sides. And the ribs that he’d ignored for the sweet bliss of air entering his body now began to cry out their sorrow and hurt. He gasped again, involuntarily ripping himself away from the other’s grasp to crash back against the wall. The sudden movement was apparently unexpected as he moved quickly away and the cold feel of tile chilled his heated body. A soft moan escaped his lips at the juxtaposed temperatures. His head lolled forward as he took another shaky breath. Sawamura’s grunt of surprise reminded him that he wasn’t alone in the bathroom.

He whipped his head up, ignoring the vicious crunch that came as his head slammed into the wall from his speed. As he made eye contact with Sawamura again, he felt himself flinch at the emotions flashing across the other’s face. Anger. Sadness. Desperation. More that he couldn’t give a name to, but it still left him with a heart-wrenching pain in his chest. Moreso than any lack of air, the punch to his gut he felt as he watched Sawamura try and wrestle his negative emotions back under a semblance of control was enough for Kazuya to break. Harsh sobs ratcheted through his chest as he grappled for a way to get out of the room. His hands, usually on his side in all other situations of his life, failed him as he tried to push himself up off the floor once more.

He could feel his heart trying to beat itself out of his chest, so he raised one hand to his chest to try and assuage some of the pain. But as he approached his side, he felt an unexpected urge to grasp at his injury. This time his fingers cooperated, as they easily danced their way towards his bandaged ribs. With no patience or gentleness considering the severity of the injury, he rubbed the wound. The blossoming of pain made him grit his teeth hard, but the saccharine voice inside him felt satisfied.

Maybe if you can handle this pain, they’ll let you back onto the field. Maybe you’re not as broken as you think?

But what he hadn’t accounted for, so lost in the haze of his own pain and panic, was Sawamura. Sawamura who had yet to leave, who had toppled back when he’d ripped himself away, but had not left. Sawamura who had remained frozen as he’d began his self-inflicted punishment of failure. Sawamura who had learnt how to deal with his anxieties over years of support from friends and family. Sawamura who knew getting through to Miyuki would be difficult but would try anyways.

Sawamura who was fighting back tears as he watched someone he cared for, admired, respected, and more, break down like this.

Kazuya, barely staying conscious in his cloud of pain-induced endorphin release, blinked wearily as his ears picked up a constant stream of words coming towards him. They were soft, but firm in their conviction.

“Miyuki I want you to pay attention to my voice, to follow my breathing. Don’t worry, we’ll do this together, and I won't leave your side for a moment. I just need you to focus on my voice, because it is so important we get through this together now.”

As he struggled to open his eyes again, he found himself flinching at the sudden onslaught of stimuli. From the brightness of the lights, to the scratchiness of the skin around his injury. But the voice was soothing, enough to pull his attention to the one point. With a shaky breath, he felt the heaviness of his chest lighten just a bit as he followed Sawamura’s breathing pattern. Watching as that pulled a small smile to the other’s lips was even more validating. The stream of consciousness that seemingly never ended continued to spill from Sawamura’s lips.

“Good Miyuki. That’s really good. Just keep breathing with me. In. hold. Out. Again.”

Sawamura’s hand appeared in his vision. For a moment he tensed up again, chest freezing in it’s slow return to normalcy. But all it did was come to rest on his shoulder. Seemingly ignoring the fingers that continued their assault upon his side. Instead the hand only placed a steadying pressure onto his shoulder. Unbidden, tears built up in the corner of his eyes. The hand only squeezed his shoulder tighter, while another came up to brush the tears gently away.

“You’re doing fine senpai. Just keep breathing. Focus on my voice.” Sawamura’s voice remained steady, the volume only a fraction of its usual vibrancy.

The hand on his face came up to his hair, the fingers running through the sweat-soaked strands as another soothing balm. Slowly but surely, his breathing was starting to come back to normal once more. The fog in his head began to clear, but he still felt exhausted. The weary sigh that escaped his lips was coupled with a collapse of his shoulders as he succumbed to the tiredness inside. As his head lolled forward, Sawamura came closer, becoming a physical support. As his head pressed up against Sawamura’s chest, his fingers lost their vigour and he felt them slip away. The pain spiked from the momentary loss, wires twisted in his head as his brain struggled to deal with the loss of pain receptor activation. But as all humans are wont to do, his brain compensated quickly. The pain began to fade away slowly, until it was only a pulsating thought in the back of his mind. Sawamura was quick to act, arms rushing to wrap around his chest until he was propped up against the pitcher’s chest comfortably.

“Senpai, I’m going to let you go for just one moment.”

He flinched.

“I’m not going anywhere. I just want to grab you a shirt. You might not feel it right now, but your skin is ice cold Miyuki.” Sawamura’s voice became jumpy as he spoke, as if his conviction was beginning to fade in the face of Kazuya’s fear.

With some careful maneuvering, he managed to push himself off Sawamura, leaning back against the tiled wall. Sawamura stood up, his motions more exaggerated than normal. Somewhere in his hazy mind he realized that it was for his own benefit. The pitcher was efficient, and returned within moments with a familiar shirt. A white tee with red sleeves. It had a worn look to it, unsurprising as Kazuya had owned it for a few years by that point. But interestingly, and he only registered this subconsciously, the shirt had been missing for a few weeks, while Sawamura had seemingly gained a red tinge to his face whenever it had been brought up.

With a struggle he attempted to raise his arms enough to slip the shirt on himself. But finding that he had no energy in his arms he let them collapse again. He felt the bone-tired exhaustion seeping through his entire body even as he struggled to work, to function. It felt as if every nerve ending was on fire with all synapses active, response signals sent out, but no effectors responded. His arms just shook lightly on the ground. Staring at his unmoving fingers, and then towards Sawamura’s concerned looks, it took all that he had not to lash out. Not that he had the energy to even speak.

However, there was no pity in Sawamura’s eyes or his actions. Instead, it was filled with efficiency. He managed to pull the shirt over Kazuya’s head with little to no hesitation, slowing down only when he raised the right arm. In a way it felt better that there was a brusqueness to Sawamura’s actions rather than any sympathy.

Once the shirt was on, he could feel how chilled his skin was. With the shirt on he felt a bit of normalcy bleeding back into him. His side was still burning, but the pain had mostly returned to the throbbing it had been since the injury. His breathing was nearly stable, though his chest continued to heave from the previous exertion.

“Senpai, do you think that maybe we can stand up and go towards your room?” Sawamura’s voice had returned to the gentle tone it had started with, the firmness gone and replaced with a slow cadence designed to soothe and calm.

Kazuya’s nerves were shot, and he barely had any energy to respond, but he managed a weak nod before Sawamura simply came closer and pulled him up. Again there was a care not to pull on his right side as he was picked up. Some stumbling and Sawamura bearing much of his weight, but they managed to make their way to his room without too many hiccups. He hadn’t really let himself acknowledge how much help Sawamura had been.

At the pause outside his room he leaned his head on Sawamura shoulder for a moment, ignoring the twinge of pain at pulling on his side. A whispered word of "thanks Sawamura" put a smile back onto Sawamura's face, even as his behaviour remained the calm surety it had been the entire evening. The pair danced their way towards the bed, so intertwined were their bodies, before Sawamura helped him lay down. A hand settled into Kazuya's hair once more, gently rearranging the messy strands back to normalcy. The extra weight on his head was a comforting pressure, and he couldn't help the sigh of pleasure that escaped as Sawamura continued his ministrations. Another hand came to remove his glasses, and for a moment he felt lost again, but they returned quickly back to his face, the tears and sweat wiped away.

As Sawamura made to stand up, seemingly to leave and let him decompress from the attack, he found himself feeling lonely. Kazuya, the boy who had not relied on anyone for so long, found himself wishing that maybe Sawamura wouldn't leave. His hand caught onto the fabric of the pitcher's sweats. It was enough to get his attention, to stop his departure.

"Stay." Kazuya's voice was barely above the whisper it had been before, but the note of desperation that lined the monosyllabic word relayed more than the volume of his speech could have. He could no longer see Sawamura's face, instead looking at his back. He watched as the muscles of his shoulders tensed, before forcibly relaxing, and then finally slumping as the other came to a decision. He wanted to jump out of his bed and offer to catch for Sawamura. He wanted to have the energy to simply sit up and wrap his arms around Sawamura. He wanted to tell Sawamura how disastrous his day had been, how hearing those girls had sent him spiralling the entire day but he'd held it together until then, how he feared that even after he healed that the coach would be hesitant to let him go all out. He wanted to shout about how scared he was when he had gotten injured, how the thought that maybe that was the last time he'd play baseball crossed his mind.

He wanted to tell Sawamura Eijun that when he had gotten hit, the only thought that mattered was that he couldn't let his pitcher down, he couldn't let anything hurt his pitcher.

But instead all he could do was wait, and watch as Sawamura turned around, as he came back towards Kazuya and crouched near the bed again. One hand rested beside his pillow, the other beside him. Summoning more energy from somewhere deep inside he reached over and tangled their fingers together. The sad smile on Sawamura's face began to flicker as tears built up inside the pitcher's eyes, but all Kazuya could do was say it again.

"Stay."

#daiya no ace #ace of diamond #diamond no ace #miyusawa #miyuki kazuya #sawamura eijun #panic attacks #oneshot #ray ray writes

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sjogrenssurvey-blog · 5 years ago

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What You Need To Know

Sjogren’s is an autoimmune disease that can cause a wide variety of symptoms and result in a wide spectrum of severity. It has an overwhelming fondness for women, affecting eight times as many women as men. The average age of diagnosis for women is the early 50s; the average age for men is the late ‘50s, but Sjogren’s can occur at any age. The portion of the general population who have Sjogren’s syndrome is not known; studies vary widely in their findings, from a fraction of 1% to 7% of the elderly population. Better research on prevalence is needed, as is a standardized set of diagnostic criteria. It’s important to note that elderly folks have Sjogren’s 7-8 times as often as do people in their twenties. Sjogren’s can leave patients bedridden, but many patients are very active with only bothersome dryness of their eyes and/or mouth that doesn’t affect their lives significantly. 84% of Sjogren’s syndrome patients are women. One-third of us (including me) have small fiber nerve damage that causes complications in their autonomic body functions. Some I’ve spoken to have damage to organ valves, some even die of the resultant heart or kidney disease. The folks whom I’ve met who bother to talk to other patients online are often very ill, and have become desperate to learn more about their complicated conditions. Please don’t visit a support group and assume you’re going to be just as bad off as the folks online. We are home and online because we’re too sick to do much else. Many complain that their family doctors are ill-informed or that they aren’t giving them enough information. The recent influx of studies on Sjogren’s syndrome and our related conditions make keeping up with the current literature a must for the doctors who care for us. All About Moisture and the Lack of It People with the disorder experience Sjogren’s in various ways. Some are barely inconvenienced, some lives are altered drastically by the profound fatigue that is a major hallmark of the disease (we’ll be talking a lot about fatigue later on). Some of us are in constant pain due to small and large fiber nerve damage, others suffer sporadically with gland inflammation. Some Sjogren’s patients are merely bothered by dry eyes and take a prescription that keeps that issue in check. They may always be able to manage their illness with little difficulty. These people may live and die with barely a hitch in the course of their lives. Others must use artificial tears regularly throughout the day and suck on hard candies or chew gum to keep their mouths moist. There are prescription pharmaceutical remedies for both these issues when over-the-counter remedies are no longer enough. Women with Sjogren’s can experience vaginal dryness that makes it too painful to have male/female sexual intercourse. Pain during intercourse is often described. A lack of ability to perspire can interfere with body temperature regulation. Some of us produce so little saliva that we are unable to keep our teeth from rotting out of our heads no matter how diligently we brush, rinse and floss. Many middle-aged folks in my Facebook support groups already have dentures or tooth implants. Some of us lose their voices due to lack of mouth moisture to lubricate their throats. Singers with Sjogren’s syndrome often notice a raspiness due to laryngeal tissue damage from drying out. Some singers have to give up singing altogether. A few SS patients even completely lose their ability to speak due to throat tissue damage. Wide Spectrum of Central Nervous System Complications As of this post, some small studies suggest that about 30% of Sjogren’s patients have small-fiber nerve disease as found by skin punch biopsy. There is some speculation that small-fiber damage can progress to large-fiber nerve damage; a small, but significant percentage of patients show damage to myelinated large-fiber nerves. Small-fiber nerve damage is common in SS; this kind of nerve regulates the function of autonomic systems; damage to these nerves leads to a wide variety of dysfunction to body processes that occur without our conscious effort. This condition is called dysautonomia. We don’t have to think about each breath, or each heartbeat for them to keep going, or about pushing our blood or food through our digestive tracts or accessing oxygen or glucose or the uptake of trace minerals. It’s worth noting that recent studies show that up to 62% of fibromyalgia patients actually have small-fiber neuropathy to blame for their muscle pain and spasms. Dysautonomia is a health problem caused by our central nervous system’s inability to properly carry out our autonomic functions, which is everything our bodies do unconsciously, that is, without our consciously directed effort. Some autonomic functions include: 1. Breathing 2. Sleeping 3. Digestion 4. Heartbeat 5. Hormone release 6. Body temperature regulation 7. Sweating 8. Balance 9. Sensory feedback 10. Storing memories - that memory loss is an autonomic function is speculative on my part. Emerging research has us closer than ever to a solid understanding of the memory storage process and the physical existence of engrams, the place where our long-term memories are thought to be. Many Sjogren’s patients report memory and cognitive issues (often called “brain fog” by patients). Many patients report losing jobs because of not being able to keep a train of thought or get enough done in a timely manner. Indeed, this was my chief complaint. I could have kept on with school, I could have withstood the muscle pain, dizziness and fatigue if only I was able to think like I used to. But, no, all of me was tired straight through, especially my brain. Even now, I try to do all intellectually challenging things in the morning when I am sharpest. Many Sjogren’s patients also have dysautonomia. We can’t always depend on a regular heartbeat, the ability to swallow smoothly, to be able to sleep well, to properly digest our food, or even to regulate our body temperature. Heatstroke is always a possibility in hot weather and can come on suddenly after even a short exposure to hot, humid conditions. Dysautonomia is related to small-fiber neuropathy, but it’s not clear exactly how. Even taking a shower can be challenging if we try to shower in the warm temperatures we used before we got sick. One woman in my Facebook support group reports that her doctor advised that she not even go outside when the temperature (in Fahrenheit) and humidity together add up to 150 or more. I have heard over and over people say that just the effort of taking a shower tires them out so much that they have to go back to bed. I have been there many times! Talking to Your Doctor If you’re really lucky, you have a GP who is familiar with Sjogren’s syndrome. Unfortunately, there is so much new info coming into medicine, our family doctors may not familiar with recent research on the disease and may still think it’s a rare condition or a condition that only affects salivary and lacrimal glands. For this reason, we may need for our rheumatologists to behave as the doctor who coordinates our various medical specialty needs. Please encourage your rheumatologists and family doctors to become more familiar with this condition as it is still under-diagnosed. Ask whether they would appreciate being updated by you; offer to bring in new research papers. You may not be able to bring in the full studies due to paywalls, but you can bring in the abstract; it will give your doctor enough info to look up the full study if s/he has an account with his university library, Medline or Pub Med, etc. Spreading awareness is important: Early detection can lead to disease-modifying treatment. That is, there are drugs that can prevent further damage in Sjogren’s patients who tolerate it. There is research going on right now that may result in a vaccine for us in just a few years. I encourage everyone to join The Sjogren’s Foundation (www.Sjogrens.org) to receive ongoing updates on the state of our condition. Patients are best-served when they are being looked after by a good rheumatologist. A good rheumy will know that your Sjogren’s can cause widespread pain from nerve damage as well as deep fatigue. Check the rheumatology staff of your local teaching hospital if you’re having a hard time finding a knowledgable doctor. I’ve found good specialists by seeing who, locally, was publishing research on my condition. I realize that not everyone lives near teaching hospitals, but it can be worth the trek to the nearest big city if you’re only seeing your rheumatologist every 6 months or so, as most of us do once all the diagnostic interaction between you and your doctor’s office is done. Unless a physician has a particular interest in Sjogren’s syndrome, they may not even be aware that it is as widespread as it is now known to be. Recently thought to be a rare disease, Sjogren’s is now thought to occur in 3-5% of the population. That makes it one of the most common autoimmune diseases, only lagging after rheumatoid arthritis. Even less-understood is the complication of small-fiber neuropathy (SFN). Approximately 30% of Sjogren’s patients suffer with it. Patients report that even their neurologists aren’t up on the fact that SFN can cause pain and spasms as this is relatively new information that they didn’t get in medical school. Have a detailed conversation with your general physician about the many aspects of Sjogren’s syndrome and make sure that the two of you are a good fit. Small-fiber neuropathy is painful and can be debillitating; it can impede all physical function because of the wide-spread muscle and connective tissue pain it can cause. SFN is a factor in the disruption in autonomic dysfunction that can lead to serious complications. It’s worth knowing that up to 1/3 of us have SS-A and SS-B negative blood tests. Remember, absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. You are welcome to tell us about your journey to diagnosis or your dissatisfaction with not getting a prompt one. Was it hard for you to get a diagnosis? Please tell us your experience! Sources - I’ve done a whole lot of reading since my diagnosis in February of 2018, but the studies and articles I consulted for this particular blog, are listed below. From Engrams to Pathologies of the Brain - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5383718/ Small Fiber Neuropathy: Disease Classification Beyond Pain and Burning - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5912271/ Sex differences in Sjögren’s syndrome - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4630965/ Small-fiber neuropathy: Expanding the clinical pain universe - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30569495 Primary Sjogren’s syndrome with central nervous system involvement: https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f2ee/a33c57f84283a4cd882294ad75fcc73e8232.pdf Sjogren’s syndrome disease info - https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/sjogrens-syndrome Sjogren’s Center at Johns Hopkins - https://www.hopkinssjogrens.org/ Varied prevalence reported in large epidemiological survey - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4122257/ The Sjogren’s Syndrome Foundation - https://www.sjogrens.org #Sjogren's diagnosis#Sjogren's#Sjogren's symptoms#fatigue#deep fatigue#autoimmune#spoonie#chronic#profound fatigue#fatique#small fiber neuropathy#autonomic disorder#autonomic#dry eyes#dry mouth

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agnes-knits-blog · 6 years ago

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Things I wish I had known about fibromyalgia, and how to live with it

To put this into context, I was diagnosed about 10 or 11 years ago now, and it was a diagnosis reached by excluding other things that could be causing my symptoms. I had X-rays and MRI scans, I had something very unpleasant called electro-conductivity testing to rule out multiple sclerosis, and then I was told that I have fibromyalgia, have this leaflet, please close the door after you. I was basically forced to deal with it myself for a long time, and I’ve learnt quite a lot about how to manage myself. I hope what I learnt can help you.

What is fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia means “muscle and nervous pain”. Current research suggests that it is a dysfunction of the central nervous system (that is, the nerves that tell your brain what you’re feeling), so nerve signals are misinterpreted as pain.

Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

Widespread muscular and nervous pain, fatigue, headaches, cognitive dysfunction (problems concentrating, poor memory, slow or confused speech) extreme sensitivity of the skin, extreme sensitivity to pain (as in, you accidentally catch your finger on the cupboard door, it hurts really badly and it still hurts 2+ hours later), muscle stiffness after being still for a while, muscle spasms, poor sleep quality and waking up tired, dizziness and clumsiness, feeling too hot or too cold (because the body isn’t able to regulate it’s temperature) sensations like tingling, numbness, prickling or burning in hands and feet (and maybe other areas), anxiety and depression.

That’s a lot of symptoms, and chances are you don’t get all of them, and other people will be affected differently.

Stress

Stress makes fibro worse. It makes the pain worse, it makes everything harder to cope with. It’s not just me saying that, it is a scientific FACT. I know if I get upset, stressed or angry, my pain INSTANTLY increases. I can’t watch horror films anymore, every time there’s a jump-scare I feel like I’m being showered with needles! So, it’s really important to try and keep your stress levels down. Find hobbies that help you relax. Choose to be calm and happy! It will really help!

Pain

How you think about your pain needs to change. It isn’t a matter of “powering through” and having to “man up”. If you have fibro, you have something which means your nerves are nearly always screaming at you that stuff hurts. LISTEN to your body when you exercise. If it tells you doing something hurts, slow down how you are doing it. Slow your movements down, focus on how you feel and go gently. If it burns or hurts more than you are prepared to deal with, leave it for the day. Get some rest, take some paracetamol and ibuprofen and relax! If the pain gets too much – as in, can’t eat because feel sick because pain, or can’t walk/do daily tasks anymore, go see your GP about pain relief. It took me 8+ years to find a doctor who took me seriously and understood the condition, and gave me the pain meds I need to function day to day.

My current meds are: 2 x cocodamol (30mg codeine/500mg paracetamol) x 4 times a day. 1 x 100 mg gabapentin twice a day. 1 x 100mg sertraline (anti-depressant) twice a day. 45mg mirtazapine at night. That’s a lot of anti-depressants because I also have Bipolar Disorder (used to be called manic depression). Gabapentin has been an absolute godsend for me! It’s really helped tone down the constant prickly/tingly sensations

Sleep

Sleep is incredibly important. When folks with fibro don’t get enough sleep, or don’t get enough deep sleep, everything hurts so much more. Fibro can disrupt your sleep cycle so you don’t go into the deep sleep your body needs - so SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! If you sleep well, you will be so much more able to deal with everyday pain. So try your best to get a good night’s sleep. Create a bedtime routine – go to bed at a decent time (around 11pm at the latest) after a warm bath or shower. Have some extra-soft pyjamas or loungewear to get into after coming out of the bath or shower. Have a hot (non-caffeinated) drink e.g. herbal tea, hot milk, Horlicks or Ovaltine. Don’t watch TV in bed! Do not spend too much time on tablets, phones etc past 9pm (blue light from screens will make you feel more awake, use a blue light filter if it’s built into your devices).

This may make you feel like an old fogey, but SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! Like, super duper important! And you need to do everything you can to make sure you sleep well. However, and this is the real kick in the teeth, sometimes you can do everything right and still wake up exhausted. If that happens, talk to your GP about medication to help you sleep. There are various anti-depressants that are commonly used for this, like amitriptyline (which I used to take, and my sister takes now), and I am currently on mirtazapine to make me properly sleepy. There’s a happy side effect in that these drugs also help to lessen nervous pain.

Fatigue

As you will have noticed by now, fatigue isn’t just feeling tired. It’s feeling exhausted, like you haven’t slept for a week, and you can barely do anything before you have to stop. On days like this, you only have a little energy, and you have to be careful how you spend it. Figure out what HAS to be done (e.g. need to do the laundry so you can have clean clothes tomorrow, dishes need to be done because you have nothing to eat off and you are hungry), and what can wait until you’re feeling better (e.g. vacuuming). You can’t do everything at once, so take it one task at a time slowly and at your own pace. Give yourself breaks if you need it. It’s important to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to come back to it later. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help if you need it. No one wants to see you struggling with something, or in too much pain to cope.

Cognitive dysfunction (a.k.a. fibro-fog)

Some days, your head might feel like it’s been stuffed with hot cotton wool. You can’t think straight, and you can’t find the words to properly express yourself. You will probably forget things that are a change from your normal routine. People may ask you if you’re on any drugs! Unfortunately there’s no treatment for it, but you can find ways to deal with it.

Use a calendar or paper diary – writing things down may help you to remember them better. Make lists of important things WHEN YOU REMEMBER THEM – you can’t rely on yourself to remember them another time. You have to try and leave yourself reminders. Future you is forgetful, so present you has to plan for it! And if you forget something important, be prepared to apologise!

Food

I’m know it’s very tempting, when you’re in pain and tired, to just order some delicious food delivered to your door, but you’re gonna find it very hard to lose weight when you can’t do lots of cardio, so it’s best to eat healthy most of the time. Keep frozen chopped onion and garlic in the freezer, and tinned tomatoes and pasta in the cupboard, so you can knock up a good meal with minimal effort. Try to have a folding stool in the kitchen for you to perch on whilst cooking. Make it easy to eat well, and save the left-overs for lunches!

Exercising

You’ll probably find it very hard to keep exercising like you used to. Try to replace high impact exercise with something low impact like cycling (not spin class!) and rowing. Maybe try something like yoga or pilates (I know, it’s old lady stuff, but it’s still good for you!), low impact stretching and general core work will be good for you.

DON’T do exercise classes where you will get constantly yelled at to go harder. Don’t let other people set your pace! Let your body tell you how fast you can go!

In general, don’t let other people set your pace. Sometimes you will need to go more slowly, if you feel unsafe on your feet (as in, knees might give out and you might deck it, right in the middle of the street) consider getting a stick. It took me years to finally admit that I needed one, but it has seriously helped me. My sister went through the same thing a few months ago, and I told her: it isn’t you admitting defeat or failure, it’s you doing what you need to do to help yourself. Plus she now has something to trip people up with if she doesn’t like them!

And to anyone who says that fibro isn't real, or is all down to lifestyle factors, I say this: me, my sister and my aunt have all been diagnosed with fibro independent of each other. And I have reason to believe other members of my family might be showing symptoms too! There is clearly a big genetic component at play, so blaming people who can't exercise for being overweight is counter productive as fuck.

#fibromyalgia #fibrowarrior

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

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All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program

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All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program

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Click Video To Play, Click Again To Resume

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Kidney Disease Reversed!

Reversed The Damage To My Failing Kidneys…

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When I started the program I was surprised it was easier than I thought to make the simple changes I needed to do to reverse my kidney damage.

My medical doctor was really surprised at my recovery with this program.

And the best part is I don’t have to go to dialysis anymore!”

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Kidney Damage Stage Reduced!

Stage 3 Reduced to Stage 2 Kidney Disease…

“I followed the diet and took the herbal remedies and I reversed the severity of my kidney disease from a stage 3 to a 2!

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Kidney Health Improved With Simple Diet Changes!

I Only Used The Diet And 1 supplement And Still Got Good Results…

“I wonder if I can improve my kidney health even further.

I know because of my good results I will certainly keep using the suggested diet and supplement with this natural treatment program.

In fact, I couldn’t afford the other products and just stuck to the diet and the one supplement and still got improvement in kidney function.”

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Unlike Any Other Books On Kidney Disease…

“This program is unlike any other books on kidney disease that I have read.

I learned so much I feel like an expert on how to improve and heal my kidneys with natural remedies from the inside of my body out!

These techniques and the diet have helped improve my kidney function very quickly. It even helped reverse the severity of my hypertensive kidney disease damage.“

– Marie – United Kingdom

Kidney Numbers Improved!

I Was Skeptical But I Had Nothing To Lose…

“I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing like my doctors suggested.

They didn’t want me to do anything or to take herbs or herbal remedies, but I had to try something – they just wanted me to do dialysis!

This program allowed me to take control of my health. I went from Stage 4 to Stage 3 kidney disease.

It was easy to do and my BUN, creatinine and anemia are all in better ranges.”

– Mary Hall – Alameda, CA

This Program Is So Powerful It Has Been Doctor Reviewed & Approved …

“What I Turn To for My Chronic Kidney Disease Patients… I Highly Recommend This!”

“After speaking to Robert and looking into the references I know recommend this program to anyone with kidney disease. The patients I have given this program to are doing well, with improvements in their symptoms and kidney disease states.”

Dr. Knox D.C. – Chiropractic Doctor (Canada)

Wondering what this incredible ‘kidney restoration program’ is?

Just read on to find out more. But first you need to know this…

SHOCKING KIDNEY HEALTH NEWS UPDATE!

People don’t know they have kidney problems until their kidney disease is stage 3 or 4 with kidney damage so severe they end up on dialysis for life!

1 in every 5 people during their first year on dialysis in the U.S. will DIE!

Individuals with CKD are 16 to 40 times more likely to die with kidney failure from complications such as a heart attack or stroke.

Kidney disease affects 4 in every 10 people over age 65.

Can you prevent worsening kidney problems and avoid dialysis with the condition your kidneys are in now?

Dear Kidney Disease Sufferer,

Hi, my name is Robert Galarowicz.

I suffered with stage 5 kidney disease and

my kidneys failed me!

I was lucky enough and young enough to get a kidney transplant.

But now I have to deal with transplant anti-rejection drugs and having a higher risk of not only that my kidney may be rejected by my body — but HIGHER RISK OF DIABETES AND EVEN… CANCER!

So I KNOW from horrible past experiences with my own kidney failure what you could suffer — if you don’t do something to reverse your problems with kidney disease right now!

Here’s what happened to me…

I Was Only 22 When My Doctor Told Me… Your Kidneys Are Killing You!

I suffered with a constant FOG in my brain … along with moodiness, fatigue, swelling, headaches, depression and loss of appetite.

My health got worse as time when on . . . so I went to get checked out. I still remember the look on the nurse’s face when she took my blood pressure . . .

Total shock and confusion as my blood pressure reading came back at staggeringly high 190/110!

I was just 22 and my doctor was afraid I was going to drop dead of a heart attack.The doctor ordered some tests and the results showed there was something “Wrong” with my kidneys. Not diabetes, not some other specific disease. Just something “wrong.”

I’ll never forget the moment the doctor looked me in the eye after doing my biopsy and told me…

“Robert, You Have Only 10 Years To Live. . .”

Everything came crashing down around me. All my plans to start a career, meet the woman of my dreams and marry and have kids — vanished before my eyes!

Over the next two months my doctors pumped me full of Prednisone and Cyclosporine – drugs that were supposed to help stop my kidney failure. . . But all it did was give me awful acne and make it impossible to sleep . . . I was soon overwhelmed with mood swings, terrible depression and psychosis that put me in the hospital.

That’s when they told me my kidneys were close to failing!

I needed to get ready for dialysis and that’s when the put the fistula in my arm. (the photo to the right ==>

The fistula is a surgical connection between a vein and an artery that makes a big enough vein for the huge dialysis needles.

I remember waking up from surgery, seeing the 9 inch scar on my arm and just breaking down crying. The worst part was the doctors still had no idea what I had or why my kidney’s were failing. They just call it “unknown glomerulonephritis” . . .

Eventually I start showing more loss of kidney function . . .My kidney health continues to worsen and this goes on for 2 years until . . .

I Had TOTAL Kidney Failure . . .

It was Horrible… I vomited every day for 3 months straight, with paralyzing fatigue, suicidal depression, and bad swelling in my legs.

I had no social life, because not many girls want to date or be around a sick guy… “who will end up on dialysis.”

Things got worse, when I ended up in the hospital almost in a renal failure induced coma. And that’s the first time they hooked me up to the machine . . .

3 days a week, three to four hours a day they puncture my arm with two oversized two-inch long needles and “clean my blood.”

What you might not know about…

DIALYSIS . . . is ONCE you start it It’s For The Rest Of Your Life . . .

Or until you get a kidney transplant (If you are lucky enough to get a kidney transplant.)

I Felt Like A Prisoner Chained To That Damn Machine!

Excruciating pain from the needles and the cramping . . .

Feeling wiped out all the time from the dialysis.

Not to mention the blood clots, pulling too much water out of your body or the 100 little things that can go wrong every time you go in.

The worst part was the loneliness…

I remember when the dialysis nurse put the needle in my arm for the first time. I thought about how it was the first time in two years a woman had touched me.

For two and a half years my life revolved around dialysis. I wake up every day feeling awful and hoping with everything I would get a kidney transplant.

Then I get lucky . . . I get a call from Miami saying they have a ‘cadaver’ kidney for me . . .

I hop a plane feeling so excited. Feeling like I can finally say goodbye to that machine and get my life back. But the new kidney fails right away. I spend 14 days in the hospital when it was supposed to be only 4 days. The surgery is horrible!

Complications keep coming up and I start to think I made a BIG mistake. That I would have been better off staying on dialysis.

Even when my new kidney stabilizes I still have to deal with the rotten side effects of the anti-rejection drugs I’m on: acid reflux, frequent colds, joint pain, depression and feelings of anxiety.

Why Am I Telling YOU All This?

Even now, 9 years after my transplant I’m scared of becoming a statistic and dying from complications due to kidney failure.

The truth is: the average kidney from a cadaver lasts just 7 years and one from a live donor last maybe 15. I know now that I didn’t HAVE to suffer the way I did!

If you get a new donor kidney…

YOU MUST TAKE ANTI-REJECTION DRUGS AND YOU NEED TO BE SCREENED FOR CANCER REGULARLY.

*** The ANTI-REJECTION DRUGS CAN CAUSE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND INCREASE YOUR RISK FOR DIABETES AND CANCER!***

I want to save you the terrible pain, the heartache, depression and the intense suffering I endured. I want to show you how to Improve your kidney health and avoid the horrors of dialysis treatments!

You CAN have Healthy Kidneys’… and live an active, healthy life where you never even THINK about your kidneys – IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO!

But before I get into all of that, I want to tell you the truth.

I Was SCARED… I’d End Up Right Back On that Damn Dialysis Machine!

After I recovered from my kidney transplant surgery and adjusted to the anti-rejection meds I was forced to be on, I tried to get my life back together. I knew I had to find out the real truth about why my kidneys failed. I started studying everything I could about kidney disease . . .

The truth is it was because I was SCARED . . . scared that if I didn’t do SOMETHING I’d end up right back on that damn machine . . . And as I got deeper and deeper into the truth about why kidney’s fail and learned more about what causes kidney disease and harms kidney function… I got really pissed off!

I’d suffered needlessly for so many years!

NOW. . . I know now the ‘real truth’ . . . that my kidney disease was treatable!

You can improve your kidney health — WITHOUT needing or suffering through dialysis!

100% All Natural Treatments & Remedies Scientifically PROVEN To REPAIR Kidney Damage

UNKNOWN to Doctors!

“The Shocking Truth”

About Kidney Disease!

Here are just a few of the ‘WORST Kidney Treatment Problems’ I STUMBLED upon during my years of kidney research and training into the REAL causes (and real solutions) for Kidney Disease . . .

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 1:

The common marker used to detect kidney function (BUN and creatinine) is NOT considered reliable and may NOT increase above normal ranges — until 60% of total kidney function is lost.

(I’ve discovered there are better tests for kidney disease that are covered by your insurance that your doctor may not even know about. Find out what they are!)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 2:

Heavy metal poisoning can send your kidneys into the toxic over load leading to damage and loss of your kidney’s function — but the horrible fact is not 1 in 1000 doctors will check for this!

(But it is critical you get tested for this if you got a kidney problem and I’ll tell you all about it and why and what to do about it.)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 3:

By avoiding one commonly eaten food you can delay kidney failure and dialysis by up to 3 years – and most medical doctors won’t tell you about what food to avoid!

(I’ve created a list of common foods to avoid and tell you the truth about why those harmful foods are doing damage to your kidneys.)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 4:

Common everyday over the counter household items you use in your house you need to get rid off which harm your natural kidney function — that medical doctor’s don’t know about!

(I’ll reveal what these kidney-damaging products are that you could be taking into your body on a daily basis which are sure to affect you and will worsen your kidney health.)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 5:

One of the most popular weight loss diets on the market can burn your kidneys out — and your doctor probably suggested you lose weight with this exact same low carb/high protein diet!

(This is criminal! Because using popular weight loss diets to try to control your weight – can be causing your kidney function to get even worse! Find out what is the ‘right diet’ to use to avoid putting more stress on your kidneys and still lose weight!)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 6:

Do you love your coffee, caffeine and soda? Did your doctor warn you about the added health risks of drinking them and how they do irreparable damage to your kidneys?

(Find out how by drinking certain types of herbal teas you can help the filtering system of the kidneys and even naturally restore your kidney’s health!)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 7:

Do you feel constantly over-tired, know you are not sleeping well and end up tossing and turning during the night? Then when you tell your doctor about your insomnia they prescribe a habit forming sleeping pill — with lots of nasty side effects!

(Instead, find out how one supplement can end your fatigue and speed up your energy at a cellular level and quickly restore your feeling of well being.)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 8:

Did you know there are many all natural nutrients including herbs, herbal remedies and amino acids that can improve your energy, delay kidney disease and allow you to live a better quality of life that are recommended by the National Kidney Foundation? But there are no doctors following these recommendations or testing for the nutrients in their patients suffering with kidney disease!

(I found over 10 over the counter supplements with proven research that can drastically improve your kidney function. But don’t go running out to the health food store asking the cashier for advice. There are many herbs, herbal remedies and nutritional supplement products out there that can actually make your kidney disease or chronic kidney disease(ckd) worse.

Instead I’ll tell you all about the 100% all natural treatments and remedies used in Europe, Asia and other countries which have successfully treated and reversed kidney disease for over 30 years!)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 9:

Did you know that there’s ALREADY a safe scientifically validated over the counter supplement that can stop many kidney diseases in its tracts? It’s criminal that in January of 2009, the FDA classified this potent, entirely safe Chronic Kidney Disease(ckd) therapeutic as a drug, putting it out of reach for many Americans suffering from this deadly condition!

(I’ll tell you all about this and why in other countries this 100% safe all natural supplement has been proven to work and is a staple of most kidney treatment plans!)

KIDNEY TREATMENT PROBLEM # 10:

No one should be forced to bear the outrageous burden of costly pharmaceuticals and their toxic side effects when a perfectly safe natural alternative treatment exists. This drug won’t be available to Kidney Disease suffers for another 10 to 15 years. Why? Because it has to pass FDA approval and that may take many years for enough clinical trials to prove it works – even though it has been saving kidneys in other countries around the world for years!

(Luckily there is the cousin of this supplement that proves to have the same effects still available to the public and is used in other countries with phenomenal success and you can learn about it.)

Introducing…

The “Kidney Saver” eBook Program That Medical Dialysis Promoters hope you’ll never discover…

The “No Dialysis Needed” All Natural Kidney Health And Kidney Function Restoration Program . . .

My “No Dialysis Needed” program is a step-by-step treatment program which helps improve your kidneys naturally, without the use of unnatural man-made pharmaceutical drugs.

Even better, when you follow the program you’ll be able to delay dialysis by years or even decades . . . or possibly even avoid dialysis all together!

You CAN Improve Your Kidney Function Using 100% ALL NATURAL Remedies & Treatments . . .

Heal Your Kidneys

Without Dialysis . . .

Without Drugs . . .

Without Side Effects!

But NO MEDICAL DOCTOR In Western Medicine Was Taught This Information In Medical School!

Medical Doctors are pushing their patients towards dialysis and transplants when some didn’t need to. But as a nephrologist (kidney specialist) once told me, “that’s the American way of treating kidney disease.”

It’s not doctors who are at fault. They’re taught in medical school how to treat kidney disease, chronic kidney disease(ckd) and they stick to the book but also those who teach doctors to treat kidney problems!

You need to know that these alternative ‘KIDNEY TREATMENT SECRETS’ ARE REAL and most medical doctors in the United States DON’T KNOW!

My program is specifically designed to IMPROVE Kidney Health NATURALLY and ELIMINATE the need for dialysis completely.

Don’t Just “Manage” Your Kidney Disease…

Reverse It!

If you’ve been shocked by your doctor with this grave news:

“There is nothing you can do, you have to wait for your kidneys to fail, go on dialysis and hopefully be eligible for a kidney transplant.”

Now you have ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS!

The All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program™ is a compilation of the best and most effective natural treatments for kidney disease from around the world. It is meant as a complement to your allopathic, conventional or standard medical care, not a replacement.

You have a right to know all the real facts about your kidney disease and I’m blowing the lid off what doctor’s don’t know!

When you have this easy to understand kidney health program in your hands you can make better informed decisions about what’s ‘the right thing to do’ to support your kidney function and return your body’s kidneys to natural wellness!

See, these days I’m known as an expert on kidney disease . . . I help people who suffer from this horrible disease heal their kidneys, regain kidney function by reversing stages!

You may even be able to postpone or avoid dialysis or a transplant forever (just read the rest of this letter and I’ll show you how!) But what not many people (except my clients and my close friends) know is my own personal struggle and battle with kidney disease . . .

That’s what made me so passionate about helping you reverse your kidney disease. And why I will do anything to help you avoid being chained and imprisoned by that horrible machine!

In my ‘all natural kidney restoration program’ I’ve put all of my passion into my work to help people just like you — avoid worsening kidney health and the horrors of dialysis. . .

And The Incredible Kidney Restoration Results I Got For My Clients And Customers Were So Astonishing They. . .

SHOCKED Their DOCTOR!

It’s true! Allow me to read to you only a few of the amazing kidney restoration success stories I’ve had with my clients here in my New Jersey office and customers of my program . . .

Just read these improved kidney health success stories…

Creatinine From 2.7 to 1.8, GFR From 24 to 44, And Potassium Back In A Normal Range

“Thank you so VERY much!

I was really worried I was going to lose my husband. Mark had high blood pressure that caused a lot of kidney damage. We saw a dietitian that gave us some useful information, but I really was looking for something more. When I came upon your program I was excited to get started. I purchased your program, and went out and got all the foods and supplements for the kidneys you recommended to start giving to Mark.

My husband started to feel more energy and in about 6 weeks he said he felt about 15 years younger! His nephrologist was happy at the positive results. We explained to him about the program, and he said to keep doing what he was doing. Your diet and herbal treatment program is working to reverse his kidney problems.

It has been 10 months and Mark’s kidney health has stabilized. Your program explains and covers every aspect of how to improve kidney function and makes perfect sense that even a housewife, like myself, understands.”

~ Mark & Barbara Henswourth Lowell, Massachusetts

No More Protein In My Urine And Inflammation Is Gone

“Living on a small farm I wasn’t sure I would be able to follow your treatment program. I felt very relieved that you provided the exact products, supplements and internet stores to get them from. This made it very easy for me. I was able to modify my diet like you recommended and was happy to find I had most of the food already on my farm.

I had IgA Nephropathy kidney disease for years but was okay until recently. My doctor said I had a lot of protein in my urine and inflammation. I took medications like prednisone which helped but nowhere near enough and the side effects were really bad.

Your program really made sense to me. I followed it and took all the anti-inflammatory supplements. Overall it was fairly easy to follow with all the references you provided. On my 3 month follow up the doctor said I had normal amounts of protein in the urine and the inflammation was better. He lowered my prednisone which was a big relief for me. I still maintain everything and glad god lead me to your program.

By the way your kidney diet is easy to follow and eating out guide is very helpful, especially when I visit my family in the city.”

~ James Anderson Harrison County, West Virginia

Diabetic Kidney Disease Reversed In 3 Months

“I was very scared of when the doctor told me my kidneys were damaged. I followed the program exactly for a diabetic.

My 3 month follow up showed I had normal kidney function! I can’t thank you enough”

~ Christy Cambridge United Kingdom

Robert, Here Is My Blood Work I Said I Would Send If Your Program Worked…

Creatinine From 3.2 to 2.0, GFR 16 to 39(More Than Doubled), Potassium, Cholesterol & Albumin All Normal.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much this means to me and my family.”

~ Eliazar Brooklyn, New York

Kidney Function From 19 To 41%, Phosphorus Normal, No More Itching And Sleeping Better

“Hi Robert, when I was diagnosed with renal disease I didn’t believe what the doctors were telling me. For the first time in my life I was scared of the future and didn’t know what to expect. I have a family and kids to care for and I need to work to provide for them. The way the doctors were talking it was like I would have no life in the near future.

I was reassured I could avoid renal failure when I found The All Natural Kidney Health Program. It covered so many areas including how to improve kidney function and renal diet to follow. I followed the program and what I really noticed was how much better I was sleeping and the constant itching had gone away.

On my next doctor’s appointment I had a good feeling things would be better. I found my phosphorus mineral level was normal and I gained back 22% renal function. The doctors and myself think I will be able to avoid dialysis and renal failure.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

~ Khalifa Al Reshedi Jiddah, Saudi Arabia

Doubtful Anything Could Help But Glad I Was Wrong

“Stumbled across this video searching for anything that would help. Robert knew exactly what I was going through and I ordered his program.

Fascinating material that has improved my kidneys. So grateful I found this website.”

~ Abbey Walker Perth, Australia

Learn How To Improve Your Kidney Function With The “No Dialysis Needed” All Natural Kidney Function Restoration Program!

Exactly what kidney friendly healing foods to eat and which toxic kidney destroying foods to avoid in easy to follow lists. You will be shocked at what you learn…

Find out the ‘little known secrets’ about how to heal your kidneys like …

The “must have” insurance covered tests that most medical doctors don’t know about or don’t use … results of these tests can have you on your way to more energy, better mood and better kidney health. . .

Find out the name of the delicious natural sweetener used for 20 years in Japan and Brazil to treat kidney disease, high blood pressure and diabetes. . .

Discover which cooking methods and 3 herbal teas prevent kidney cell damage and kidney disease complications. . .

Did you know blueberries have powerful healing antioxidants that reverses kidney cell damage?

The 4 healing oils to use in your cooking, and one of these powerful oils stops kidney damage from toxins. . .

The kidney restoring diet is super simple to follow. No measuring food, keeping track of nutrients, or any other annoying meal planning tasks. . .

Supplements are essential to improve your kidney health but not all supplements are created equally … The one must AVOID ingredient in MANY supplements and even in some prescription vitamins and minerals that is detrimental to your kidney health. . .

The “Core Supplement Program” … covers the exact supplements, what they are, how they improve your kidneys, dosages to use, and 100% Safe FDA approved with third party tested companies and exact products. . .

The common grocery store item which instantly strengthens your kidneys against any disease. . .

The “weird” herb which is a prescription in China that stops kidney disease right away, available over the counter in the U.S.. . .

The family of good bacteria which starts to do the WORK of the kidneys when it’s not functioning properly, this allows your kidneys to rest and recover . . .

The “caterpillar fungus” which makes a highly effective kidney healing mushroom herb used by Asian doctors. . .

The fiber that sweeps away kidney damaging toxins popular in Middle Eastern medicine for treating any kidney disease or chronic kidney disease. . .

Human studies show a special Indian herbal remedy from a flowering plant reverses kidney disease caused by diabetes. . .

The prescription kidney cell protecting supplement available over the counter which a doctor will never prescribe and find out what your doctor doesn’t know. . .

The naturally occurring human hormone that restores the kidneys “antioxidant defense system and fixes sleep problems“… which is part of the reason why you have kidney disease. . .

Kidney Disease makes your bones brittle, weak and easily break … The 3 Wonder Nutrients which have shown to play a vital role in the production of building strong bones and how regular calcium is NOT what you need to take!

Uncover how to gain control of diabetes and blood pressure which will bring your kidney disease to a grinding halt. . .

How To Read A Food Label and know what you are eating … this is your ultimate reference to understanding quantities and nutrients in food. . .

Dialysis and kidney transplants: What you can use from the All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program to live a good quality of life and how to keep your transplant kidney healthy so it can last you the rest of your life. . .

The common over the counter, prescription medications and drugs which you want to steer clear of at all cost. I guarantee you will be mad no one told you these before. . .

And many more incredible kidney health boosting methods than I can list here…

The All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program has zero filler and is fully backed by modern day scientific research. In fact, there are over 300 medical citations with majority from peer reviewed medical journals “the gold standard” in medicine and the same exact, very expensive, books they use in medical schools. . .

But first you may the wondering. . .

Are These Natural Kidney Remedies And Supplements 100% Safe?

Everything in this program is safe, natural and with good safety profiles, proven case studies and doctor recommended. Many of the products including the diet, supplements and herbs have been used safely in other countries for years and in hospitals in the United States.

If you are concerned about any of the products in the program, discuss them with your local naturopath, nutritionist or physician, or email me and I will help you make an informed decision before taking any products you are concerned about. See my contact information at the bottom of this page.

“Even Medical Doctor’s Approve It!”

“My Patient Is Doing Better Than I Could Have Imagined…”

“I’ve been impressed by how well researched and complete this program is.

This 100% all natural kidney restoration program takes into account the factors of kidney disease and gives you many options and information to help your kidneys return to their natural good health. As a medical doctor I look at the risks and benefits of all treatments and especially alternative treatments before making a recommendation, that said, this program definitely gets my thumbs up.

It presents well-researched, scientifically balanced information with diet and dozens of natural, drug-free ideas and remedies you can start using to improve the health of your kidneys today. My patient began this program and had excellent results, better than I could have imagined. Everyone with any type of Kidney Disease and chronic kidney disease(ckd) needs this program. “

Dr. John Ree – Medical Doctor (U.S.A)

I want to give you as much possible help as I can and be absolutely certain that you get every possible tool and strategy to overcome kidney disease and avoid dialysis and a transplant.

So When You Get Started TODAY, For A Limited Time I’ll Also Throw In 5 Super Bonuses …

My Kidney Health & Restoration Guide Is “Enhanced” With 5 More Customized Kidney Health & Wellness Guides!

PLUS!

MY PERSONAL EMAIL CONTACT!

I don’t just want you to slow or stop your kidney disease … I want you to improve your kidney function – quickly and with a minimum of fuss!

So for a limited time, when you order The “No Dialysis Needed” All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program, I’ll also include the 5 kidney health boosting bonuses, designed to help you quickly heal and return your kidney function to more normal levels.

Your Special Bonus # 1 is…

“The All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program Diet Plan”

You get a 14-day easy-to-follow menu plan with recipes and snacks. . . No fussing over putting together your own breakfast, lunch and dinner. . . no worries about what you’re going to eat next and simple, quick meal plans to prepare with no trips to special grocery stores.

Each day contains breakfast, lunch and dinner with 1 to 2 optional snacks. All nutritionally balanced to reduce stress on the kidneys, control mineral imbalances and maximize your healing. It also includes a section on making your own meals and how to adjust recipes to make them kidney friendly.

One of the toughest things about living with kidney disease is eating out with friends and family.

Just follow the “Tips for Eating Out Section” which covers all major restaurants where you will be able to make a kidney friendly choice enjoying your meal and the company.

Value: $39.95 yours FREE

Your Special Bonus # 2 is…

“The Definitive Guide To Potassium Content Of Foods” Over 1,000 Foods Listed

Potassium is a key nutrient needed for your heart and muscles to work properly and is regulated by your kidneys. When your kidneys are not healthy your potassium may increase to dangerous levels leading to further decline in kidney function and possibly a heart attack. .

The Definitive Guide To Potassium Content of Foods will give you the knowledge to select the right foods to make the perfect low potassium food choices to help your kidneys heal.

With over 1,000 foods listed there is no way you can’t find the potassium content of any food you want to know the potassium content of.

Value: $19.95 – Yours FREE!

Your Special Bonus # 3 is…

“The Definitive Guide To Protein Content Of Foods” Over 1,000 Foods Listed

Regulating your protein intake is crucial to improving your kidneys. This guide gives you the information to know how much protein is contained in foods educating you to make the right choices for a lifetime of better kidney health…

Protein foods contain high amounts of the mineral called phosphorus. Phosphorus is used for building bones, teeth, and is found and used by every cell in the human body. In kidney disease and chronic kidney disease(ckd) phosphorus may build up to toxic levels.

By regulating your protein consumption you can control your phosphorus from reaching dangerous levels. This takes the stress off the kidneys to maximize your kidney healing.

So, the “The Definitive Guide To Protein Content Of Foods” also controls your phosphorus levels allowing for the best kidney health you can imagine. Two very important uses out of one guide!

Value: $19.95 – Yours FREE!

Your Special Bonus # 4 is…

“The Kidney Diet Grocery Shopping List”

Sample Grocery Shopping List … as simple as printing it out and bringing it with you to the store. No need to dig through pages and take notes on what to buy. It’s all packaged into one convenient easy to follow list and it is printable so you can take it with you when you do your grocery shopping!

Value: $19.95 – Yours FREE!

Your Special Bonus # 5 is…

“The Kidney Diet Tracking Sheets”

Kidney Diet Tracking Sheets. You get diet tracking sheets you can easily print and this allows you to keep track of what you eat to help you stay on track and allows you to more easily stick to a better kidney health diet with a minimum of fuss. These Kidney Diet Tracking Sheets allow you to make a smooth easy transition to a healthier kidney diet.

Value: $19.95 – Yours FREE!

And when you order today…

For A Limited Time One Last Super Bonus!

60 Days Of Unlimited Email Support Provided After Your Purchase!

The “No Dialysis Needed” All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program offers Exclusive Personal One-On-One Counseling. You get FREE professional private email counseling, advice and guidance from a certified nutritionist, naturopath, kidney disease sufferer.

When you order the program today you get email access to a life-long medical researcher who is always just an email away. If in any time you feel confused, you can have your questions privately answered.

This advice is practically priceless.

You’ll always feel that someone is there for you…so you’re never left to deal with your kidney disease and chronic kidney disease(ckd) alone. With this free and unlimited email support you can feel good that you are always on track, you are always encouraged, and… you’ll be able to complete the program more effectively and get quicker and greater results to heal your kidneys.

I’d love to hear from you after you order the program. You’ll receive my private email with your order. I promise you’ll get an answer in 24 hours.

Value: $197 – Yours FREE!

“This Sounds Amazing, Robert, But How Much Does It Cost?”

“How much is it worth to you to have a PROVEN method at your disposal to help you truly IMPROVE your kidney health?

If you’ve suffered from Diabetes or Kidney Disease for any length of time, you already know how expensive it is and how much you are suffering right now.

Even with insurance (and insurance is covering less and less these days) you can end up paying THOUSANDS of dollars per year for blood tests, treatments and drugs that have nasty side effects and do as much harm as good.

Not to mention the cost of dialysis itself which can run up to $150,000 a year. . .

The price of the complete “No Dialysis Needed” program is extremely affordable. . .even for people on a fixed income. I made it so affordable most anyone can get it to help them reverse their kidney disease right in the comfort of their own home!

Think of the money you will save on the cost of medications once your kidneys have healed and are functioning more normally.

Save the money you would have to spend on expensive prescriptions and instead — heal your kidneys with all natural methods for pennies.

What is your current quality of your life with kidney disease?

Is it not worth living a miserable life on a machine where you die prematurely and can’t enjoy what you want or do the things you used to do.

Honestly this is the only program like this in existence so there is nothing to compare it to and this comprehensive kidney health restoration program is not available anywhere else at any price.

You get the complete, easy-to-read and understand …

“No Dialysis Needed” All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program ($297.95 Value)

Plus…

“The All Natural Kidney Health & Kidney Function Restoration Program Diet Plan” ($39.95 Value)

The Definitive Guide To Potassium Content Of Foods” ($19.95 Value)

The Definitive Guide To Protein Content Of Foods” ($19.95 Value)

“The Grocery Shopping List”

($9.95 Value)

“The Diet Tracking Sheets”

($9.95 Value)

60 Days Of Unlimited Email Support ($197 Value!)

All 6 FREE Bonuses = $296.75 Total Value!

** IMPORTANT** When you start your path of healing to reverse kidney disease and improve your kidney function, you are not doing it alone, there is support to ask any questions from the founder of this program.

You can protect and even reverse the damage to your kidneys. . . starting today.

“It’s a cold fact… “they” don’t want you to have this program…”

If you’ve read this far you already know you want and need this because your worsening kidney health is at stake here.

This is a kidney restoration program that will reverse – and even restore – yes that’s (R-E-ST-O-R-E) your kidney health with a GREAT success rate.

I’ll bet you’ll not get a peep from your doctor if you show him this or he may say to not use it because he doesn’t understand it. You’ve probably never even seen this remarkable program advertised on the health news channels either..

I ask you — why is that? When tens of thousands of kidney sufferers can be helped with this to revitalize kidney function and stop people from resorting to going under the knife for a new kidney from a dead person — a ‘cadaver’s kidney’!

I ask you.. If there ARE MORE TREATMENTS than what your medical doctor is using to test your kidney’s function… then why don’t they use them? (Because they only learn diagnoses, surgery and pharmaceutical drugs in school!)

It doesn’t make ANY sense to me, and it shouldn’t to you either.

These incredible ALL NATURAL KIDNEY RESTORATION METHODS are ALL HUSH, HUSH IN THE U.S. by the few who know about them.

Why? Well just think about it…

I’m sure the simple answer is there is more money to be made with unnatural man-made drugs which CAN BE PATENTED. . . over a diet, supplements and natural remedies and treatment which CAN’T!

I don’t know how long I can keep this website up, any day I may be pressured by some drug company attorney to pull it down. Don’t wait, you need to buy now before this kidney restoration program is closed down for good!

“To Do All You Can To Protect Your Kidney Health… You Have To Act Now…”

Now that you have read to this point in this letter it should all make sense to you now, does it? And you can’t leave this page empty handed now can you?

Just read the last couple happy consulting clients and customers who bought my kidney restoration program from this very webpage have to say about how it helped return their kidneys to more normal health!

“How Much Is Your Kidney Worth To YOU? Your Future Kidney Health Is At Stake Right NOW…”

All I ask is you try this kidney restoration program for FREE for 60 days.

Let Me Help You The Way I Wish Someone Had Helped Me All Those Years Ago…when my kidney’s first started to fail so I could have easily reversed my own kidney disease.

And… YOU CAN AVOID HAVING A 9 INCH SCAR IN YOUR ARM FROM AN UGLY AND PAINFUL FISTULA!

You CAN heal your kidneys, delay dialysis for years, even decades or even avoid it all together.

The fact that you have read this far, means you know the high value of this program.

It’s easy to make the ‘right decision’ when you know you can get proven methods to restore and even reverse your kidney disease — isn’t it?

As you consider investing in this program you might want to consider the added benefits and enhanced value the 5 incredible bonuses, a $296.75 Value. . . I have custom created just for you, to help you more quickly restore your kidney health.

When you invest in this program and follow what you read, you will get a dramatic boost in your kidney heath. You will also feel more confident since you will have the critical knowledge you need to make better informed health and diet decisions.

You can also use this information to better understand the tests and the drugs your medical doctor is using to treat you!

If you follow the program it will work to restore your kidney health.

You have nothing to lose.

Imagine how good you will feel when your next kidney tests come back more near the normal range and how much more in control of your kidney health you will be!

But. . . Please remember. . .

Big Pharma does NOT want you to have this.

In less than 2 minutes from now, you can be reading all about how to save your kidneys!

Get every thing you need to help restore your kidney health, and avoid getting diabetes and even cancer. . . Because you won’t need to suffer the problems if you can improve your kidney health.

I’m sure you don’t and I wouldn’t want to wish that horror on anyone.

I know you’re going to love how good you will be feeling soon.

I’m sure you’ll agree that $67 is a real small investment in yourself for something that could help you. . . from a life of unending dialysis misery. . . to a life of better health and wellness.

I say try it.

Follow what I believe is a serious method to restore and revitalize your kidney function quickly and easily. . . and soon you will feel marked improvement of your symptoms.

You can feel good about yourself because you are doing the ‘right thing’ to started healing your kidneys and I know you will feel better once you start reading the first book…!

I want to congratulate you on making a good decision.

Why? Because you are finally DOING something to help yourself return to good health!

Yes, I Want To Use All Natural Methods That Are Used All Over The World To Learn How To Improve My Kidney Function Using A Step-By-Step Scientifically Proven Method With NO Harmful Side Effects and $296 in FREE BONUSES!

When you click the “Add to Cart” button above you will be taken to the ClickBank secure order checkout page to buy your private copy of the complete program and get the free email consulting that comes with the proven kidney health and restoration program.

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