#its bc im disabled and i have a lot of problems communicating. if it comes off as romantic then we now have a misunderstanding

[chonnyjashh]

I deleted this because I felt really ashamed of myself for even saying it

I still don't know how to explain how i feel in a way that doesn't sound like I'm proclaiming my love and asking you out when that's not. That's not what it is. I don't want shit to change between us. I wish there was a word for "I'm in love with somebody but entirely platonically" but there isn't because "in love with" has romantic implications and saying that sounds weird and creepy even to me whilst I try to explain why it ISNT what I mean

And I'm panic rambling again bc this is going to come off like I'm crushing

I AM NOT

I'm not trying to get with u I just feel too strongly for you in a friend manner and I'm trying to explain it

Maybe I should make a diagram or or or idk idk GOD DAMN IM GONNA PANIC-DELETE THIS AGAIN

[phagodyke]

one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW

[lilietsblog]

so my position on "AI" art is - video game opponents have a better claim of being an "AI" than the image generating machine, much like the text generating machine. at least they are trying to imitate what a real AI would do, internally. at least they are reacting to circumstances based on a model of the (simplified digital) world; - the "art" part is giving the machine the prompt, not what the machine does. any more than photoshop is the one doing art when you add a gradient or a filter to your picture. just because the process is obscured and randomized doesnt make it any less mechanically programmed; - like, art is communication. the image generator isn't communicating anything to you, it doens't have an internality to communicate. the prompter does. and they're not communicating with the AI, they're communicating with the viewer. like using text to speech or something like that. a technological intermediary; - art is NOT in fact universally accessible. "i am disabled and I do art and teach art" is not an argument any more than "well I am disabled and I don't need a wheelchair" is an argument against wheelchairs. there are different disabilities??? i mean like everyone can do SOME form of art but they arent fucking. mutually substitutable. not everyone can draw a picture and i dont mean in a skill way. someone could have been a fantastic artist and then lost the ability bc their hands got fucked up; - speaking of mutual substitution, machine generated art is not the same medium as traditional and digital art any more than those are the same medium as photography. the means of obtaining the result are categorically different, come with categorically different challenges and skill requirements. you wont judge a photo on how photorealistic it is and you wont judge a painting on how difficult it must have been to stage. machine generated art is a third thing and must be clearly labeled in any situation where the difference between a photo and a painting too would be relevant; - aaand the means by which it is obtained are sketchy as hell. in a perfect future utopian UBI reality it maybe wouldnt be a problem but in the current now reality it hella is. and regulation based on existing flawed legal frameworks is a better solution than "waiting for the underlying issue to be solved" much like "homeless shelters" are not a better solution to the problem of homelessness than "housing for everyone" programs but are hell of a lot better than nothing; - also I think it would still be an issue in the perfect future utopian UBI reality because its a deepfake machine. its just a fact of life for photos but people not wanting the machine to read their art style and learn to replicate it are valid regardless of monetary concerns. what the machine does in remixing images is not in fact the same as a human looking at the picture and reverse engineering the technique by which it was done / having thoughts and ideas about how to do a similar thing. it is ethically and practically different

so there you go, youre both wrong and im right. praise me :P

@sailor-kaiju if you're that interested in having this argument, fine, let's go.

You dismiss the comic I brought up and its subsequent discussion as meaningless insecurities, but they are nothing of the sort. The artist is absolutely correct - not just about his own art, but about how art works in general. Your art has just as much reason to be considered "stealing" from whatever you take inspiration from, as does my writing. Recognizing that fact is something all artists should do, and I see plenty who do so. Your lack of that self-awareness does not make you any better than those of us who have it.

Meanwhile, I'm surprised you see the idea of UBI as unrealistic Marxism. It's a lofty goal, but trying to put a stop to the use of an effective piece of technology is even less practical. I've been saying for years that it's the real answer to concerns around automation, as have many others - starting long before generative AI got as big as it is now.

If you're not convinced by those arguments, good news - I have plenty more of them! Multiple tags' worth, even. It's a common topic on this blog, one where I've said and shared all sorts of things I don't feel the need to reiterate. I'd expect people who've been following me for a while to be familiar with them by now, unless they're avoiding engaging with the topics entirely.

Whatever is the case, I would recommend against perceiving someone posting things on their own blog as them coming into your house and spitting in your face. Doesn't seem like a healthy perspective.

[mogai-sunflowers]

i sort of hate how the mogai community agree that someone's comfort is not more important than accessibility (which that part is good)... until it comes to the mogai community as a whole

like for example typing quirks, the amount of times I've been harassed for asking for a translation of someone's typing quirk as a mentally disabled person who sometimes uses screenreaders

and then nounself pronouns, obviously they're not inherently ableist (duh i literally have a ton of nounself pronouns myself) but some people need to realize that some people literally cant use them and it isn't a matter of "oh just practice". I have a very bad language disability and as a result, to use neos and (more commonly) nounself pronouns, i have to check the person's pronoun list every two seconds, which, obviously, i can't do if im talking about them offline and I'm not using my AAC (its a bit easier to do it w/ my AAC bc i can just make a folder that has all the person's pronouns/their main pronouns). And thankfully ppl are a lot better with this bc usually if i ask "hey do you have a non-nounself pronoun/aux pronouns I can use just in case?" they're 1) a lot nicer and 2) usually do in fact have one I can use

completely agree. it’s a very black-and-white way of thinking- either neopronouns and typing quirks are completely valid and have no potential problems, or exclus are right and they’re the cause of cringe culture and transphobia and they shouldn’t exist. no one acknowledges that something can be in the middle. neopronouns are great, nounself pronouns are great, typing quirks are great. so is accessibility.

[relaxxattack]

prefacing for maxs followers who dont know who i am but stating this as like. autistic queer person. who also has a lot of other things going on in the brain. i think a lot of autistic n adhd n queer ppl (ESP white auti adhd queer ppl) need to remember that likeee. not everything we relate to . is necessarily an us exclusive experience. and sometimes the thing being judged as 'bad autism rep' or whatever wasnt really.. a character being autistic . not every character whose an outcast or blunt or has problems in social scenarios or behavioral problems is queer or autistic or has adhd and judging a character off of whether theyre good rep for those groups often comes off as. ignorant of experiences outside of autism and queerness n adhd. not to say you cant relate to characters meant to rep a different experience, just that you need to acknowledge that experience and treat it as just as needing of rep as you.

n like it shows up in like. perception of mituna. or isabela from encanto. and ive heard abt white autistic ppl seeing a black character avoiding eye contact w white people as an autism thing. and its like. fuck man not every outcast is autistic or queer or has adhd. brain damage from head trauma is a very real thing and maybe mituna Could be autistic but he isnt bad autism rep just because you (general you) dont want to think about how neurodivergent includes people with head trauma or other disabilities that may cause increased vulgarity and mood swings. isabela Could be a lesbian but that doesnt mean ppl shouldnt also consider how her story isnt like. a lesbian story just because she doesnt like the man shes supposed to get married to its abt how young women get married off n how common it can be in family oriented cultures. avoiding eye contact isnt inherently an autism thing esp when youre a poc and any little thing could be taken as a sign of aggression esp if youre black

n like i get it. when youre queer/autistic/adhd its hard not to try and grab for every little piece of representation you can get. god knows i always take a chance to hc a character i like as a lesbian. ive always been prone to making white characters black. even if a character is clearly nt i will project onto them anyways. but i think the sorts of ppl who will complain abt mituna being bad autism rep often miss the fact that like.

if your projection and desperate need to see and find people like you. gets in the way of showing proper respect to people who Arent like you but face similar issues. then you might need to take a step back and think 'fuck am i overstepping? am i ignoring others need for representation in media in my own pursuit of rep?' . yknow? i think a lot of ppl would have an easier time respecting and learning about other cultures and experiences if they just like. sat down for a bit and thought about the world outside of their own bubble. bc sometimes there gets to a point where it feels like the overall communities i mentioned care more about being listened to than they care about having an actual conversation. and all media really is a conversation. if that makes sense . ok im done now i just have a lot of thoughts abt this.hi max -🎭🎪

yeah this is all pretty interesting and fair actually and tbh id never heard of some of that stuff since im not in that fandom but its an interesting look at this concept

[handweavers]

hey Kiran. um. not totally sure how to ask this. but i was hoping you could talk about some of your experiences with university as a disabled person of colour in Canada? bc i am those things as well (lol) and ive just about finished my first term and im thinking hard about whether or not i should continue despite the difficulty and youve spoken about some of that before. if you dont want to talk publicly i can come off anon

i'm okay with talking loosely about it publicly but if you want more precise/specific info talking privately would be better or if you want to know something that i don't mention in this answer. i also can't speak for experiences that i don't have, ie. my experience is my own and may or may not reflect yours or that of other disabled poc given the sheer diversity of people encompassed by that phrase. i'm just going to do bullet points here of stuff i think is most important off the top of my head:

- first of all, see if you qualify for the canada permanent disability student grant benefit if you aren't already receiving it. i'm familiar with OSAP but regardless of what province you're in, if you provide documentation that states you have a permanent disability to your province's student aid system and you show financial need you can receive up to $2000 per semester IN GRANTS (not loans) from the federal government as part of the canada permanent disability student benefit to help you with tuition and paying for other expenses, and even more if you do a spring/summer semester. again, it's paperwork and it's a drag, but that's a LOT of money that can make your life easier so you can focus on taking care of yourself and on your education. and again, i repeat, it's a GRANT not a loan, you don't have to pay it back.

- with that out of the way, i've found university exceptionally difficult and something i would only recommend if going to university is what is needed for the job you want to do or the field you want to be in. if you're unsure of what you want to do/what your goal is for university, or if what you want to do doesn't necessarily require a bachelor's degree, i don't think the pain is worth it. wait or do something else and then if you know for sure what you want and that you need a degree to get there, go ahead, and pace yourself. don't do a full course load, figure out what the sweet spot for you is and stick to that. my max course load is 3 classes per semester, less if i'm doing studio courses. if you have your disability status on file with your uni and with your provincial student aid system, you can take as little as 30-40% course load* (depends on the school and province) and you will still count as a full time student and reap the benefits of that.

- make sure that you have academic accommodations with your university's accessibility services, it can be a lot of work but it will save your life. having that & especially having accommodations that Require professors to give you extensions to assignments is so necessary and is the only reason i've gotten this far. the process for getting this & for getting permanent disability approved for student aid with the government various depending on your disabilities and can be exhausting and inaccessible, which is a problem in itself, but its completely necessary and something I personally would've been completely fucked without

- ive been in post secondary education for 6+ years now and i have never encountered a professor that refused to give me an extension on an assignment, including when I've submitted assignments late without mentioning it to them first, and outside of accommodations I put this largely on keeping an open and friendly communication with my profs. at the start of the semester I let them know that I have accommodations and will need extensions due to physical and mental health issues, and whenever i've had a flare up the first thing I did once I felt well enough to was to email them and let them know, and tell them that I am working on my assignments and will try my best to get them in as soon as I can. I have even submitted assignments weeks late, with an apology and amended with "I understand if this can't be marked/if it's too late, and I thank you for your patience with me regardless" and every single time they have marked my assignment without penalty. even if you have to suck up to them and apologize and do all of that shit, do it, because it'll save you. you don't need to elaborate and write your life story, just speak plainly and tell them you're having issues related to the reasons why you have accommodations and you're struggling but you're trying, and they will appreciate that. the vast majority of them want you to succeed and want to help you do that, you just have to try to meet them partway.

- if something fucked up is going on and you need help with a prof or some other kind of situation, contact your student union and ask them for help and they can either write on your behalf to wherever the complaint is best sent and follow up with it on your behalf OR point you in the right direction and offer support and resources. check if your student union has an accessibility rep and a rep for students of colour and contact them in particular, they are there to help you and they are your peers. they will also almost definitely have a food bank and can help you when it comes to your student medical insurance plan or any other concerns

- if you're on OSAP or other student aid and you need to drop a class, do it early, don't force yourself to suffer through it, because the longer you wait to drop it the higher chance you won't get a refund for the course, and if youre receiving grants that $ will be converted to loans if you don't get that refund. again, this is based on my experience with OSAP, but be aware of drop dates and plan accordingly. if something happens and you miss the drop date though, don't force yourself to suffer and stick through a course you know you cant finish. drop it before you get a 0 or failing mark on your file, because that can fuck you with the university admin side of things and get you on academic probation which can then effect your OSAP or whichever student aid service you have. based on experience I'd rather just get the $500 or however much tuition for that class cost me converted to a loan and deal with paying that back after I graduate, but of course it's entirely up to you.

[littlebabycrybtch]

anyways, autistic adult here going out to all the autism parents out there;;; stop fucking bragging about abusing your autistic kids. i lived through my autistic childhood, you havent, you need to hear me out. stop posting your horrible ‘inspirational stories’ about how happy you are that you ‘pushed through’ and did something awful and distressing to your child in an effort to make them normal. it is so harmful and so disgusting for autistic people to have to hear about. those stories make me wanna gag. they give me physical discomfort, the way these people are so... Proud of themselves, for thinking they are ‘eradicating’ these evil autism symptoms, like the symptoms arent just an inherent fucking PART of their child they destroyed out of blind ignorant ‘care’. fucking listen to yourself. you did not help them. i dont care that they learned some new (usually unnecessary and performative) neurotypical skill you had been pushing on them for years. i dont care how fuzzy inside that makes you feel. i dont care about whatever you come up with that proves their ‘progress’. no. you were projecting your frustrations. you were pressuring them into smth they didnt need. you didnt Fucking help them. you made them Conform. you Hurt them to make them act like everyone else, bc you let yourself become that convinced that their autism is whats damaging them, and not the outside world that tries to dismantle what they are on the daily, for no fucking REASON besides irrationally projecting your own standards and ideals onto them. the ‘cure’ for autism is not ‘acting normal’, for gods sake. you Punished them for being autistic instead of accepting it and accommodating them. frankly, no matter your real intention, its selfish.

like. im sorry but im livid, i am TIRED of seeing this kind of shit encouraged everywhere. forcing your kid into meltdowns unless it is a 110% safety concern, is abuse and disability discrimination, especially when you are trying to force them to be ‘normal’ by punishing them in these awful prejudiced ways until they meet YOUR idealized standards of functioning and ‘quality of life’, which is self centered for gods sake! like! nah man actually im totally fine with some of my symptoms if you people would just leave me the fuck alone about it??? i like stimming, i like special interests, my ‘sensory issues’ can become blissful when i find the right sensory experience, my struggle to communicate has given me so many beautiful Alternatives and connected me with so many people. im fucking fine, i dont always need to bend to you, you can bend to me sometimes, okay? like. smh, neurotypicals/abled people, society revolves around you, sure, but that doesnt mean someone being Different from you makes them the wrong or unhealthy one... they can be Perfectly happy even though they dont live the way you do, and to think otherwise is again, just really self centered. why are you the default? why is YOUR HAPPINESS with YOUR LIFE the default standard??? someone being different from you doesnt always mean their existence automatically Pains them, or that its Lesser or Worse. accommodation and understanding does a hell of a lot better for somebody than trying to just force them to act how you do under the ignorant assumption that it Must be inherently better for them and their existence. “but- things would be easier for them if they were normal right! thats just how the world is!” cool. but they arent. listen to me. They Arent. just fucking accept that, and focus on fixing the obviously bigger issue, the whole ‘WORLD’ part that rejects everything abnormal, jesus christ. like honestly, thats the worst part about being ‘abnormal’, how the outside world fucking treats you. its how they wont fucking let you exist and wont get off their ass to try and understand or support you, without conditions that include ‘copy me as best as you can so its easier for me’. the worst part is that the people who ‘support’ you view that support as wittling you into something less difficult for them to ‘help’ at the expense of your fucking basic comforts or happiness, and they still think theyre doing you a noble favor by making you like themselves. ffs. guys. stop abusing your kids. stop.

“well guys, my autistic kid wouldnt stop pissing themselves so i just stopped buying diapers and made them sit on the toilet for 6 hours, and guess what, they use the toilet the Right way now! :)” “my kid wouldnt hug me or say i love you, so i held them down on the bed till they stopped fighting my affection! now we hug all the time!” “i took away my childs favorite item until they were able to verbally ask for it back. now they know how to say “please”. they must be SO much happier!” i need for you to listen to me right now. you are not fixing them. you are not HELPING THEM. you are breaking them into your neurotypical life like a pair of fucking tennis shoes. its for you. you are conditioning them, with trauma. the fact that you dont see that is a Disturbing display of how little you actually are trying to understand about your child’s life, or frankly anybody elses experiences besides yours. Leave them the fuck alone. you really wanna help your autistic kid fit into the world? dont punish them for stimming, tell ppl in public to stop fucking staring, bc it is their fucking problem. dont force your type of affection or communication, pay some fuckin attention and you’ll start noticing the ways in which THEY communicate with you, which is just as fine. and for the love of god my dude! buy diapers! they exist for a reason! just buy your fucking child their fucking diapers. ill kick your ass oh my God, 

[badfey]

is there anything u wish u had known pre-top surgery? I’m trying to schedule mine next yr and I’m worried I rushed into picking my surgeon even tho I looked at a Lot. I’ve got a list of questions to ask but curious if there’s anything you can think of! Thanks, if u get a chance to reply 🥺

firstly congrats and good luck with your top surgery, i hope the wait goes quickly!!

There were a lot of things i wasn’t expecting about top surgery - not necessarily that i wish i’d known in advance, just that i didn’t anticipate. I wrote a document of them not long after surgery which ill post soon and link back to here :) right now ill go through the main stuff i wish i had known, and any questions i had (under a cut because it got long)

Stuff I Wish I’d Known

Some of this depends on how your surgeon does things. I had 6 days before my post-op appointment w chest reveal. 

That first week is tough. Ymmv, but for me it was really hard. I knew that post-op depression was a thing, i didn’t realise what it would feel like. For me it was a lot of being tired and not being able to sleep because of not being able to get comfortable (having to sleep elevated for a few days & pain), so getting more tired and bored but too fatigued to do anything in that classic frustrating cycle. Once i slept decently for the first time i felt human again (nytol is a lifesaver). It’s also tough bc ur sweaty n uncomfortable and u haven’t showered or taken off the post-op binder for a week, and with the dressings and swelling it doesn’t feel like its really happened yet? After chest reveal thats a lot easier

Sometimes moving around you’ll feel something like pull or pop and you get so so paranoid about pulling a stitch i seriously thought id pulled a stitch but its usually like the dressings adhesion or something, you don’t need to freak out. My best friend here was this uk trans fb group because i could search and find years of posts with ppl having the same problems, or ask and ppl would give advice and calm me down, so it’s good to join a community like that ready for if you inevitably get stressed about something (also good for post-op boredom)

You cant use your arms to move. Sounds obvious but like i never realised how much i reflexively rely on using arms to move sitting positions on a bed, and how you need to pay attention to override that impulse. 

Peeing after anesthetic is weirdly hard. It really helps if you practise consciously releasing the specific muscles to pee beforehand 

I was so hungry. I got fed sure (great food too) but i wish i had taken snacks. 

Questions to ask

Im gonna list some stuff that you may already know/have on your list but it might help fill any gaps :) 

When are your post-ops? Are they included in the surgery price? Mine were at 6 days (chest reveal) and 8 weeks (normally 6 weeks but my surgeon was on holiday lol) and both included in the price of surgery (which is standard for here i think). Its good to have rough timeframes in advance so you can plan around it.

Ask about revisions - are they included in the price, what is the timeframe you can get revisions for, how you would start the revision process if you need it? Hopefully you won’t need it but its important to know just in case & so you don’t need to worry about it. I think my surgeon got a bit touchy when I brought up revisions but i was just clear that if I’m getting this surgery and paying a lot of money for it i need to know this stuff in advance which as a professional he should be fine with.

Can you have a say in scar shape and/or nipple size? Usually you can, and this is often at the pre-op when they draw all over your chest before surgery. Don’t feel like you can't weigh in - this is your chest. Also even at consultation they might be able to give you an idea of what your scar/s will look like. 

If you’re getting nipple grafts, ask about their graft success rate!! I was super stressed about my nipples falling off, but my surgeon said that even though stats say about 10% of nipple grafts r unsuccessful, in practise he sees a much smaller percentage than that, and even ones that do reject often grow back (lmk if u wanna know more what i mean) or can just be easily touched up with tattooing. Also if theres anything they recommend for graft success.

Does your surgeon recommend using arnica? Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, swelling, and wound healing. There’s differing views on whether it actually works, but in my case i took arnica tablets 1 week before and 2 weeks post-op and i think it really helped. They also tasted nice. Some people use arnica gel to aid healing once you can start massaging. 

Where will you be for overnight recovery? Will you be on a ward or in a room? Do you have access to a TV? Do you have access to a plug socket or charging point? Do you get wifi? Chances are you’ll be bored at some point over the time you’re in there, especially if you struggle sleeping. It’s good to know whats available in advance so you can come with things to keep you entertained. 

Does your surgeon use drains? You probably already know/have an idea of this bc its something a lot of ppl consider when choosing surgeons, buts its good to know if you don’t. Also, it can change - I chose my surgeon partially because he only uses overnight drains so you don’t have to deal with them in recovery. When i was there i found out he has stopped using drains altogether for smaller guys so i never actually had them (pleasant surprise). 

Does your surgeon want you to wear a post-op binder? Do they supply the binder? Post-op binders r a good idea they stop swelling soo much, so even if your surgeon doesn’t recommend it i’d definitely ask if it’d be safe for you to wear one. You can't wear regular binders. If you’re sourcing your own, again trans groups r great bc they can give local recs and lots of people sell/pass on their old ones. I am happy to give anyone recs, but they’re all uk based. 

How will you communicate with nurses post-op? Most people don’t live too near their top surgeon, so you’ll probably check-up remotely. I just sent nurses emails of my nips and incisions and anything i was worried about the healing of and they’d let me know if it looked okay. 

If you have any conditions/disabilities/illnesses, ask if they’ve ever operated on someone with them/similar before. I have fibro + hypermobility and tbh it was reassuring to hear him talk about experiences other patients with chronic pain had had before and how they coped.

Okay sorry that was really long, but its pretty much everything i could think of question wise! I hope it helps! Let me know if there’s any other questions you have at all :)

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

so i’d really like to finish my guardian takedown lore analysis, but honestly the game isn’t really fun to play at the moment anymore (even with the health debuffs they added) so I think im going to be taking a break for now because I’m just not having fun anymore.

this game has a lotta mechanical problems i think need to be addressed so im gonna summarize it as bullet points below. I’ll play the new dlc when it drops, but idk if i’ll be on more than that (grinding, end-game stuff) until they make some serious changes. I’ve been playing (near) daily since launch, followed the patch/hotfix notes every single week, and my patience has finally, FINALLY run dry, especially with that really disappointing Phase 1 Patch and then the hotfix this week not adding anything else. What is the balancing team doing??? 😩

tl;dr: FIX THE VAULT HUNTERS!!!!

anyway. That’s all I needed to get outta my system. I might log on to this blog every now and again to post some random shit that pops into my head (probably with regards to my AU), but I’m not going to be actively playing and posting for the time being. Goodbye (for now), and here’s hoping the new DLC is good!! 

guardian takedown only problems:

there’s a lot of waiting around, and sometimes it’s not explicitly stated that you’re waiting for something, so you’ll be lost on what to do next (not sure if that’s a dialogue glitch or not)

the crystal charge insta-death is bull. just. what the hell. at least make it so you just have to start over. killing ur players for failing a “puzzle” that they then have to fight all the way back to is so infuriating.

dying because you fell off a platforming puzzle is also bull. 

i remember playing the first DMC on my playstation in middle school and having a conniption over the part in the observatory(? it’s been a hot minute since I played DMC 1) with the disappearing/invisible platforms. I h a t e jumping puzzles. why are they in a section of the game where death is semi-permanent and a detriment to your teammates. i tried the takedown 2x with friends and both times one friend didn’t make the first big jump to the temple and had to wait for our inevitable deaths. that’s so unfair to them.

there’s absolutely no reason for a boss to have 12 fuckin immunity phases. 4 per health bar with 3 health bars? Who the fuck designed this? *pumps shotgun* i just wanna talk. 

i appreciate a tasteful immunity phase every now and again (the ones in the Valkyrie fight are actually p reasonable), but christ. that is overkill. I don’t mind the main boss fight, since u can end those early through certain actions, but jesus. the mid-boss fight is annoying as hell. you spend more time running from the immunity phases and finding the damn boss than u do actually shooting it.

drop rates are crap, which I guess should be expected given what happened with the Maliwan Takedown and the handful of months it took for them to fix that, but also you think they’d have learned.

in the maliwan takedown there’s a sense of progression thru the facility after you kill each area’s batch of enemies, but in this one it’s... dampened by the crystal charging sequences. you kill all the enemies in an area, press a button, and now you have to kill 3x that number of enemies in the same area, expect you’re just standing there motionless. It’s not fun.

the crystal charging stuff is just not fun in general. standing in a square is not entertaining. it’s worse that it was clearly designed for 3+ players when a majority of people play/grind solo

i gotta admit the boss fights just aren’t as fun as the Maliwan Takedown fights overall. I felt like a real badass fighting Wotan for the first time, but the main boss for this Takedown is kind of a bitch. Wotan’s fight is chaos, there’s so much shit happening at once and you don’t really have time to process everything and I love it. This one is p meh...

This would be fine and I’d 100% not care that much if there weren’t all these OTHER problems

General Issues with the Game

There’s no endgame stuff to play outside of the takedowns. 

I assume they’re working on the first raid given some stuff I found in the Guardian Takedown files, but I really wish they’d keep the seasonal events/areas. They give us the option to disable/enable them while they’re ‘active’, just give us the ability to do it whenever we want.

when i hop on i either run through Athenas (my favorite map), or farm a boss or two. I have all the loot i really need from the maliwan takedown/elsewhere, and the guardian takedown just... isn’t fun atm, so i have nothing to do.

I’ve reset my playthru multiple times to play the main story at m10, but u can only play it (and the dlc) so many times

Mayhem levels and modifiers are a hot m e s s

a majority of the modifiers just aren’t fun to play with

they incorporated like 2-3 fun modifiers (from the community), then added a bunch that straight-up aren’t. I’m fine with the game being more difficult, but at least give us modifiers that make it more entertaining to play at a higher level instead of more annoying. I like the ones that have trade-offs or add new ‘enemies’, but I hate the ones that just straight up reduce your damage output.

a majority of the weapons with the mayhem 10 anointment (scaling) do not work on mayhem 10 (we’ll go more in-depth with this later)

Player Characters (Vault Hunters!!!) are also a hot mess and a lot of problems plaguing them haven’t been fixed SINCE LAUNCH

theyre literally the basis of the game and its balance. why havent you guys fixed them yet. stop adding new content until they’re fixed. no new skill trees until the base 3 trees work ON EVERY CHARACTER.

seriously. Why is amara p much limited to using Phasegrasp. Why does Iron Bear not matter to Moze except to proc anointments. MAKE ALL ACTION SKILLS EQUAL AND HAVE HEFT.

i wrote an essay here about it bc i feel that strongly about this

SERIOUSLY FIXING UR VAULT HUNTERS WILL MAKE BALANCING SO MUCH EASIER PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU THEY ARE THE BASE OF UR BALANCING WOES

ZANE IS STILL UNUSABLE WITHOUT THE SEEIN’ DEAD CLASS MOD!!!!!!!!!!!

MOZE IS SCREWED BC HER DAMAGE IS TOO RELIANT ON ASE ANOINTMENTS!!

AMARA DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING MELEE BUILD AS THE ADVERTISED MELEE CHARACTER???

FL4K’S HEADCOUNT SKILL IS S T I L L BROKEN EVER SINCE THE RELEASE OF THE MALIWAN TAKEDOWN

ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO THE COMMUNITY *PLEASEEEEEEE*

BUFF AND FIX THE GODDAMN VAULT HUNTERS

Anointments were a mistake. Damage end-game is wayyyy too reliant on them

anoints should have a maximum of, like, a 20% damage bonus. the damage necessary to kill enemies *should be coming from the VHs themselves*. i don’t care if you have to revamp every single Vault Hunter’s skill trees and buff them all by 9000%. THEY DESERVE IT AT THIS POINT

at the moment in m10 there really isn’t much build diversity *even between Vault Hunters*. We’re all using the same 5 guns (OPQ System. Kaoson. idk. fuckin brainstormer? is that still a thing? jesus fuck) with the same 3 anointments (100% on ASE, cryo while SNTL, and 300% while 90%).

you want to diversify builds like you said during the gameplay reveal???? you want our choice in Vault Hunter to actually fuckin matter???? FIX THEM!!!! THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEAL DAMAGE WITHOUT STUPID POWERFUL LEGENDARIES AND ANOINTMENTS!!!

Anoints also shouldn’t be common. At all. They should be, like, Pearl rarity. To let that happen, their damage needs to be tuned way the fuck down (again, 20ish % bonus MAX) and ALL ANOINTS NEED TO BE USEFUL IN SOME WAY

NOBODY IS GOING TO USE THE AIRBORNE OR SLIDING ANOINTMENTS JUST REMOVE THEM ALREADY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

obviously these changes can’t happen because they fucked up and buckled down with everything being anointed in m10, but still

imagine a world where the VHs actually did damage on their own without anointments and the damage buff from them was just an incentive to grind for the 100% perfect weapon and NOT A REQUIREMENT TO DEAL DAMAGE

>:(

A majority of gear is borderline worthless at M10

I’m fine with the difficulty of M10, i should let it be known. The enemy health isn’t really the problem IF ALL GUNS ACTED THE SAME AS THE OPQ SYSTEM

ffs.

you know, if you fixed ur vault hunters so they all did damage with just purple weapons (abt the same damage as legendaries w/o special effects) and removed the anointment requirement from late-game play, balancing your guns would be sooo much easier. you know. just saying.

right now only 10% (im being generous) of guns in the game are viable. 90% are worthless. We need AT LEAST 60-70% viable at M10. WHERE IS MY BUILD DIVERSITY. WHY ARE ALL LEGENDARIES NOW JUST “HEY THIS GUN IS STRONGER THAN THE LAST 4 WE RELEASED. HAVE FUN”

how to fix this problem? do as above: BUFF YOUR PLAYER CHARACTERS. MAKE ANOINTMENTS LESS STRONG.

then, at least the 10% already strong weapons would be stupid strong and OP as fuck, BUT AT LEAST WE COULD HAVE BUILD VARIETY!!! I don’t care if other people are dummy strong one-shotting everything in sight. I don’t! so long as they don’t play with me, I couldn’t care less!!! I want to be able to play with the unique, interesting legendaries. instead of the OPQ System. which, by the way, I dislike compared to the normal Q-System. let me use the frozen heart shield and the infiltrator mod. I don’t wanna be chained to the Seein’ Dead anymore :(

honestly at this point im starting to think removing slag was a mistake bc then at least we could use guns that aren’t solely damage-based guns. you know how fucked up you’ve got me that im thinking maybe slag wouldn’t be so bad this time around??? YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP B A D.

FIX THE GAME

IM TAKING A BREAK

MAYBE I’LL BE LESS UPSET WHEN I COME BACK FOR THE DLC BUT HOT. DIGGITY. SHIT.

[neverquothraven]

i had surgery earlier and am still out of it but i really REALLY get pissed about everyone on this planet misunderstanding op’s thread. op who is autistic and regularly gets harassed on twitter btw

the concept they were bringing up (at least how i understood) was more about the fact that when you’re disabled and people try to do things for you, they often dont do it out of truly wanting to help you or even care to ask if what they’re doing is useful. people keep suggesting “well just say thanks if you cant eat the food and be done with it”

EXCEPT I CANT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES THAT HASNT WORKED because 1. people are convinced i dont actually have an intolerance/allergy 2. they want to see me eat food during a meal and i dont want to get into the I Have Serious Health Problems convo with them (bc again, they dont believe me) 3. even if i explain, they take it as an insult 4. theres communication issues (language barrier/i wasnt able to tell them clearly what the issue is and they just see uneaten food/etc) and i end up just looking mean bc i didnt accept a gift

like if you havent picked up on it, its usually about folks not truly believing me and they’re insulted that im turning down their charity work, like why am i just not grateful?

and i know people are hung up on the “consent” thing but like its not an incorrect word to use, especially when talking about how disabled people are so infantilized and people want to get brownie points a lot of the time for doing things for us (like people grabbing someone’s wheelchair *without consent*)—if you havent ever experienced this from either side im glad for you, and i obviously dont go into a situation expecting someone to be ableist but like… i feel like i’m begging people to listen about how situations have the possibility to unfold and how difficult it is and how literally no one cares

and i wish this wasnt such a common occurrence, i wish it didnt sound so batshit, but im neurodivergent and passive and already am so scared of offending people and never want to ruffle feathers but i literally cant just suck it up when it comes to foods—in a perfect world everyone would just communicate these things, but i truly think some able bodied people are not facing their privilege in this convo

and also in the example in the qrt, i would feel SO BAD because i wouldnt be able to eat something that i didnt know the ingredients of and if there was a language barrier i would be worried something wasnt translated correctly and im getting really anxious just thinking about it and OBVIOUSLY in a perfect world, the other people would understand that i have food issues and then someone else in my house could eat it! but i really just want to make the point that that does not always happen and i have had people close to me genuinely mad, several times over because they had to deal with my diet and couldnt just cook whatever

and i’m not saying people shouldnt gift folks food or be kind to their neighbors or whatever, i just REALLY wish people would believe me when i say dozens and dozens of people have been straight up aggressive when trying to get me to eat things i quite literally would be sick if i did, and i wish that wasnt a real thing but theres a lot of layers to ableism just like, please listen. please?

thought this was neat

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[ancientplastics]

From my experience, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger is sorta at play here and i think that is valid if you have a situation where difficult situations have a safety net and people who care for you. So if something scary happens and you have a healthy, strong community helping you and helping you affirm your worth, then you grow.

But trauma's tricky bc it kinda goes past that, its more like, when you go past what you can handle. Then, its like, breaking something in a way. Like breaking your thumb. Being in pain from breaking your thumb may make it grow weird, or heal wrong, and it would make it so maybe you need to adapt and maybe use your other hand, or surgery.

And you could argue the support of others and the grit of your own adaptions IS maturing. But it's also healing, right? If you didnt have a broken thumb, this energy youre putting into adapting or fixing it could be spent doing something else, like, balancing your checkbook, walking your dog, making sure you sleep and eat right. but your whole life revolves for a bit around this broken bone.

Now. To round it back up to what I said earlier-- the support part is key. Trauma without support is different than trauma with support. A broken bone thats seen by a doctor and put in a cast is different than a broken bone that is treated by a mother trying a shakey splint and popping you tylenol. if someone isnt equipped to help, that damages you.

and if no one helps you, well. then youre using your other hand in constant pain, maybe dealing with a ruined hand for the rest of your life. you could die from an infection it youre unlucky.

and imagine if you got yelled at or hit for having that problem with your hand.

and thats why i sorta emphasized how the trauma is treated by your surroundings, because trauma faced with someone who knows how to and can and is helping is different than trauma faced with someone also being traumatized. its also different than trauma you shoulder alone, or trauma you are publicly or privately shamed for.

So i agree, trauma doesnt mature you, because trauma is like similar to a broken bone. it takes the normal human experience and just overloads it, and when you add other humans in, it just gets super complex.

im pretty traumatized and im not mature, i deal with issues of severe naitivite. ive been financially, emotionally, physically, etc abused and its like if someone saw my broken wrist and then went 'i can use the fact they have a broken wrist to get what i want' then attacks me socially for having a say physical disability where i cant pick things up anymore. and then ropes me in more and more and lies and says its just a joke, right? im not mature. im easily manipulated. the only thing thats made me More Mature is when im Undoing my trauma with love and kindess to myself and given from others.

But i understand the idea the asker had bc there is this fandom idea of trauma being sorta indulgent almost, bc its cathartic to ppl with it, but trauma doesnt help you grow up.

but i will say after you untangle it it can make you compassionate and observant if you want it to. ive got a sharp eye for when people are in pain now and do my best to make them smile, and i can sense when a loved one is holding back and just smiling.

So yeah idk maturity imo comes from having a mastery of ones self, and that comes from a place of consistency and self expression, not fear, and I think the new kids on block (gen z) do not know that sometimes. so if you manage to confront the trauma, and move past it you may have a unique groundedness bc that takes a lot of effort and perserverance. But its the fact you got past it that matters, it happening to you? Fucking sucks bro

Do you plan to make SeaGlass more mature after some time/events (maybe some trauma?))

Seaglass will mature eventually! But it won't be due to trauma...

I hope you forgive me for getting on a soap-box over this, but I really want to address this very widespread misconception that trauma makes you more mature.

It really, really, does not. Trauma, arguably, stunts your development.

Trauma can make you pull away from people who could help you due to mistrust, which may make you appear independent... Trauma might force you to control your emotions to the point of suppression, which could be mistaken for being stable. It makes you withdrawn, or reactive, or self-destructive. But that's all not really.... maturity. It's trauma.

Trauma doesn't make you grow up - it just makes you LOOK more mature by making it dangerous to act your age.

Overcoming difficulties through your own ability, discovering new things you can do, pushing your limits on your own terms - all of those things can help you become more mature. But trauma fucks up your growth. And that ain't something to be sought or praised.

[mentalillnessmouse]

my parents just told me that we cant afford a service dog for me even though they were the ones that came up with the idea and had already bought my brother one (who is technically an emotional support dog who cost $40,000) and im devastated. ive offered to train one myself because i can hardly function on my own and cant leave the house without someone to make sure i dont fall or run off bc of overstimulation. i dont know what i can do.

Hello! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this anon. I myself struggled for about 3 years until I could get a service dog, and I had lots of bumps in the road that made me feel like I would never get one at all. 

An ESA should not cost money, excluding the price of the actual dog (which I’m positive would not be 40K) and its necessities + a note from the therapist. If it is not an ESA because it went through task training, it is really not helpful to call a verified service dog an ESA, especially for invisible disabilities; this is already a problem the outside community berates PSD’s on.

Owner training is a great idea! I am currently owner training a new puppy with the help of a wonderful dog trainer who has experience training dogs for service work, as my old SD is needing to come to retirement. It is best if you plan to owner train and SD that you have some sort of trainer you can go to (if not see regularly, but I’m going with low cost recommendations atm), and it’s best to start with a puppy, whether a rescue or from a breeder. If you do that, you should absolutely bring a trainer who has experience in SD’s to help you pick which one has the appropriate temperaments. 

Depending on where you live options for this may be either limited or bountiful; there are always nonprofit Service Dog programs that are either entirely by donation, or have a very low cost to assist people who need it. (10K+ medical necessities for people is frankly ridiculous, especially when people who need it cannot work for whatever reason!)

You can search at ADI programs Search to specify for your location, or even talk to your doctor about programs they know of that are in your budget.

I hope this helps! If you need any more information, feel free to address me off anon and I will reply to you in private!

>Reyes

[wishedsth-wouldlast]

10.12.2021

你想要的不負責任rant：

what do you want me to say?

that i dun wanna build that foundation of healthy loving relationship with u?

that i dun love you?

wt u want me to say?

that i need a safe environment, a loving atmosphere, a trusting unconditional love to even try to communicate wt i want? im the most uncomfortable person in the world, when it comes to expressing my own desire. thats my core. thats how i've always been. dun fucking blame me. if u dun enjoy, if we can't communicate, then dun do it. u dun hv to make me feel so unwanted and troublesome.

im mostly an honest partner u know that.

im genuine but doesnt mean i say everything i think. because there are way too many things going on in my head, including the consideration that some hurtful things are not meant to be said.

also, its not like ur love and care are unconditional and endless. so dun expect my trust to be in full, dun expect me to be absolutely comfortable being open with u.

didnt i say, sex was better with love? this is exactly why. i dun trust u to love me enough, and fact told me u dun.

wt the fuck do u want me to say?

and how could i even begin to say wts on my mind?

for how disabled i am at expressing myself, i very much doubt u'll be able to get thru wt im trying to say in my own comfortable language.

wt do u want me to say?

u think u know so well, how, i whine about going to dinner with that guy but i could hv a simple solution.

if u know so well, our problem our struggle could be so simple as well.

if my life sucks and my mind always goes to bad contradictory hopeless places, solution to life could be simple as well.

but im not that spiteful, ultimatum sounds nice in the head but its not my way of dealing with things. sometimes i look at you and im tired of the misunderstanding and the insufficient love, and i wanna end things with u. i wanna give up. why i dun say wts on my mind? bc thats not the only thing my complicated mind wants. i also wanna try, i also want to please you, i also think about the past. i can't possible say wt i think all the time. i wanna end my life all. the. time. but wts good saying it? i want, doesnt mean my rational mind decide on it.

i hv a habit of ranting about a lot of things bc my mind is that contradictory anyway. u dun hv the patience to listen to every thought i have inside my head. then how do i tell u everything.

wt else do u want me to say?

yes im used to a real true love where he dun get to give up on me. im used to a soulmate who simply think the same things as me so its not as hard for him to guess wt i want. he either wants wt i want, or knows wt i want without me saying, or im able to use my language and he understands. im used to feeling safe within his love so i can express my desires. im used to being spoiled. its not like he never felt frustrated that im so mute sometimes, but still i feel like he can read me.

yes its unfair and unreasonable to expect you to understand when i dun say. but he would've known me.

he would know it takes longer and more effort for a women to come/ be satisfied. and he would offer help after he finished. i didnt need to ask. i thought sex partner is supposed to care and not wait til i ask cuz that would spoil the whole mood. i like when u would care whether i am satisfied. i would come easier when i can feel that u want me to come for you. its not about skill, not about wt i physically want you to do.

take a step back from these immature repetition of a past that would always look nice when i look back.

maybe. maybe its just cuz

磨合咗幾年. 嗌過咁多次交 i unfairly didnt take into account. maybe he's not born to be good at reading me. i taught him many things about me until he automatically knows how to treat me. he knows my favourite hug was when i turn my back and stick close to you while ur arm is around me. but u just thought i turn away.

but then, 我有心同佢一路一齊落去

有用心調較過 磨合過 堅持溝通過

咪話唔攰啊 唔傷心啊 但我係為咗個好結果著想

為咗行落去 and become better and better couple.

how would i ever put my heart out for you and tire myself to struggle to sync us, and in the end, just to hv my tired heart to be broken all over again.

im tired of failing relationship. i love that absolute connection with sb's mind and soul and heart. i am tired of things not working out. my heart easily give up when i felt like i can't get a 💯 perfect fruit.

i know my heart hv many tired moments of wanting to give up. i know my face is always grey or depressed or lack of energy. i know im so unfair to expect love and 縱壞 and 氹 from you when i dun offer equal share back.

thats rly how i am.. call it quit if u are tired of me. i hate feeling rejected and unwanted and undesired and troublesome.

[abandonedabandoned]

i just saw the aro questions so ima do the three weeks now

Week 1

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known I’ve known for at least two years, but I can’t remember how (memory problems.) I’ve known one of my headmates was aroace before i knew i was arospec, maybe Happy helped?

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)! All of my friends and partners know, i dont really have any Story

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity? Its important because I want all my friendships to be as important, socially, as my romantic ones. Ive always put my heart and soul into my friends, even if I have been dating someone

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you? Other than the general “heartless bastard” trope im not too sure. Maybe the misconception everyones either full aro or demi? Idk

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike? Its given me a finer appreciation of platonic relationships, but i dont know what the FUCKIN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLATONIC AND ROMANTIC ARE. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE. WHAT IS IT, GOD? Also the self-consciousness i get bc im dating ppl? While arospec? sucks.

Week 2

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with? Neuro-, nebula-, echo-, praes-, minus-, magis-, ficto-, depend-, propeest-, chaein-, idem-, plura-, icula-, arospec, arofluid, schroromantic, (possibly) romoforced.... we dont have many descriptors do we?

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.  I’m pansexual, with preferences (depending on whether we’re talking about attraction in theory or in practice,) im nonbinary, VERY Xenic. I’m also polyamorous, believe it or not. I have Autism and a lot of mental illnesses and if we wanna be real fun im Objectum also.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?  Most obvious thing is Autism makes it a bitch to determine what romantic attraction is. Less obvious is OCD making me feel like im not allowed to be attracted (sexually or romantically) to Real Life People, so 99% of the people I’m attracted to are fictional. My partner system and Griffin Mcelroy are probably the only exceptions. (i love griffin.) I like to think my Polyamory is partially because of my look at love, or at least how i Want to look at it, that theres not A person youre going to love forever and ever and thats your Romance Dude. Theres a fine line between loving no people and loving Lots of people, in my opinion. Really im the worlds worst arospec, im like SUPER romantic?

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?  uuuuuuuuUUUUUuuuuh memory problems again

Week 3

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?  No one gives a fuck. No one really judges, man. “Hey Im Hatch, I have a partner system with a fuckload of partners in there and im still arospec” and yall just like “well ok how ya doin there”

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?  i havent been in many “spaces”

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?  Well... I feel like people tend to push aside romantic aros to accomidate nonamorous or romance-repulsed ones. Nonamorous and RR folks DO need way more space in this community, they really do, horribly under-represented, but its a really weird space we have where neither romantic nor non-romantic aros are represented at all

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?  I dunno, i dont super read that much.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?  If amorous means what i think it means, I think im that. I’m very romance positive, i experience QP attraction

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?  I’m currently in qp relationships!  I have Dennis and all the qps in my partner system. I don’t really know how the arospec stuff affected it, I think arospec people are just in general more likely to have those relationships but thats about it

[scrivenger-grimgar]

asdfghjk if you keep responding im going to keep giving you more. this is a threat (/joke). i have several pages of one of my sketchbooks just filled out with notes for DICE/kokichi.

this next one isn’t a solid one bc i’m not quite sure about it? basically, rantaro is also a DICE member, he’s code named Ace, and he designs and creates weapons/accesories/stuff for DICE. he’s the Ultimate Blacksmith. all the jewlery he wears was made himself or his 12 siblings. only 3 of them are blood related to him, and he adopted the others because he’s a giant mom friend.

as for the Killing Game, its already been canonically established that mind/memory/cognative interference is possible and even highly developed, so its not out of the realm of possibility that, while the past they remember is true, that only goes to a certain extent. its not outside the realm of possibility that they can block memories of specific people.

a lot of DICE is openly queer or neurodivergent or disabled or bipoc because “oh youre uncomfortable around us because we’re lgbt/disabled/a minority? haha, that sounds like a You problem!”

they are simultaniously a circus, a community centre, and a crime ring, and there a reason for that. DICE was made by (and is run by) a group of young adults, teenagers, and kids; they are the result of taking a millenial/gen z group and allowing them to go wild in a place with no supervision (if helped along by talents). yasato is not the perfect metropolis, or some kind of heaven on earth, in fact, its ratger far removed by having so many chaotic personalities in once place. but DICE is aware of this, their goal is not to achieve peace, their goal is to improve the quality of life in yasato, to make people happy and safe, and to create a community that people can depend on.

yes, their leader is deceptive and childish. yes, their members are wild and abnormal. yes, there are fights, and wounds, and broken bones. but they know how to stop and ask themselves, “is this going to do more harm than good?” they hold both themselves and each other responsible for their mistakes, they find the reason for the mistake, and they come up with different, better, solutions.

oof ok that was a longer tangent than i thought it was going to be asdfghjk

it is my personal belief that DICE does in fact have “over 10’000 members” and yes kokichi is in fact the leader but he likes to say it in a way that makes it sound like he’s lying.

he’s not. it just took a while to get there.

DICE only initially had 10 members, all runaways, orphans, street urchins. Kokichi bands them all together, has them focus on different skills to help their survival.

kokichi is 14 when the tragedy happens. their poor town is thrown into even more chaos; Yasato city was the victim of a terrorist attack 25 years before the tragedy, it was never actually repaired afterwards due to a squabble between two corporations, one ran in Yasato, the other out sourced. the out sourced payed off the government to keep them from actually helping the town.

kokichi says “fuck it”. DICE has 25 members now, so they start protecting their small area from gang activity. the people like this, DICE isn’t really asking for anything in exchange, they just don’t like seeing people hurt; those protected in the area start helping DICE out as well. protection in exchange for food, clothing, or being taught a skill like sewing or cooking. the younger residents seek to join DICE to help protect the community.

the pattern continues, their area expands, people offer their help, more members join, and kokochi slowly and unintentionally takes over Yasato, which has a total population of around 20’000 people.

his initial members become his court, heading different departments; they start fixing up buildings to be safe housing or community places, teaching the younger members how to care for themselves and others, chasing out actual criminals and adopting children.

the actual yakuza see DICE as a threat; they can do nothing. their leader is spontanious, he does what he wants; no one can predict where the infamous Jester is going to be.

TL;DR Kokichi is an accidental yakuza boss, no one at HPA believes him, and Mondo & Fuyuhiko are lowkey terrified.