#its a good thing i have the day off tomorrow bc im going to turn into a slug as soon as im done steaming meself like a little dumpling

[wabblebees]

im like if the most useless boytoy twink was also an incredibly handy butch lesbian

[zackcharine]

i need a walking around aimlessly tag so bad and i also. Need to stop my brain from fucking with what the ep actually representsJXHXBD

[moonstruckme]

hey mae! it’s been awhile since i’ve sent an ask but im always reading your work girl! i love how you write tbh. if you’re up to it do you think you could write something with poly marauders, where the reader has trouble eating and making themself eat due to poor appetite. my appetite really does come and go and ever since covid (maybe before) it’s like eating makes me feel revolted. sometimes i just don’t feel like eating bc of other things like depression, adhd, anxiety. i was just wondering if you could write something with the boys helping out the reader with finding out what sounds good, cooking, and eating if possible. sometimes having someone around to talk to and hang out with makes it so much easier to deal -🌶️

Hey Pepper, thank you sm! And thanks for being patient with me <3

cw: lack of appetite, mention of skipping meals

poly!marauders x gn!reader ♡ 1.1k words

The sun’s going down, the last dregs of its light spilling brilliant and golden over the book in your lap, and you can feel your boyfriends starting to get restless. Well, two of them. 

“If we’re missing half the ingredients,” Sirius says, trailing James into the kitchen, “it’s not going to be any good.” 

James only tsks. “Ye of little faith. That’s what improvisation is for.” He starts pulling things down from the cabinet. 

“You’re not even going to glance at the recipe?” 

“I don’t need to. I know the general vibe.” 

“Help!” Sirius calls towards the living room. “He’s gone off the rails. Remus, come fix it.” 

Remus turns around to look over the back of the sofa, his shoulder brushing yours as he does. He’s sitting right up against you despite the couch being empty, not that you mind. Remus is sort of like a cat that wants to be near you but not always to be pet. His touches are often like this, passive gestures like a hand on your head or his thigh pressed against yours. It works for you just fine; you can feel the affection bleeding into you from any point of contact. 

“Don’t you think we should just eat out?” Sirius asks, tilting his head and doing that thing with his eyes that you all pretend doesn’t work on you. 

Impressively, Remus keeps his face impassive. “I’m having leftover brussels sprouts,” he replies, “so it’s not really my concern. Anyway, James has a good history with not following recipes.” 

“Exactly,” James says, grinning at Sirius, who scowls. But then he fixes his gaze on Remus. “So why are you having that, Rem? Have what I’m making.” 

“Because they’re going to go bad, and I’m not hungry enough for a big meal.” The last part is said somewhat quieter, directed towards the living room as he turns back around and picks up his own book. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you can see James frown, but he glances at Sirius and they seem to collectively decide not to push it. Remus’ appetite isn’t much better than yours. He has his better days, but it’s not uncommon for him not to feel up to what your other boyfriends would consider a whole meal or to eat only chocolate until Sirius hounds him into something more substantial. 

James looks to you hopefully. “You’ll have some, won’t you sweetheart?” 

You wince, hating to let him down, and from the look on James’ face he clocks the guilt in your expression before even you get a chance to say, “I don’t think I’m really up to it tonight, either.” 

James deflates, but he’s clearly trying to put on a brave face. “That’s alright. I think I’ll just save it for another night, then.” 

“I’m sorry,” you say, setting your book facedown on the armrest and turning around to face him more fully. “You could still make it and just put leftovers in the freezer. Maybe I’ll have some tomorrow.” You wince again as soon as you say it. No promises, though.

The smile James gives you is comforting if not totally satisfied. “It’s okay. I’ll just make it another time, it’s not a problem.” 

You return his smile, close-lipped. Sirius is looking at you with narrowed eyes, arms crossed like he’s sizing you up. 

“What are you going to eat?” he asks. 

“Hm?” 

“What are you going to have instead?” You hesitate, and he tilts his head knowingly, a piece of hair slipping from behind his ear to drape over his shoulder. “You need to have something, especially since you didn’t have lunch.” 

From the kitchen, James looks at you. “You didn’t?” 

“I just…don’t feel like it.” It’s a feeble argument even to your own ears, and the look Sirius gives you says that he thinks so, too. 

“You can’t miss two meals,” he says obstinately. “Even Remus is having some brussels sprouts.”

You look to Remus to be offended at the even Remus comment, but he only shrugs. You’re on your own. 

“What sounds good?” he asks you. 

You try not to pout. “Nothing. Everything sounds gross.” 

“C’mon, baby.” Sirius leans against the countertop. “It doesn’t have to be strictly dinner food, yeah? Just anything that sounds like you’d be willing to eat it.” 

You think for a minute. Remus touches the back of his hand to your leg, knuckles soothing over the skin beside your knee. 

“I guess…ice cream sounds okay,” you say hesitantly. “But I know that’s not exactly nutritious…” 

“Would a milkshake be close enough?” James pipes up. 

You shrug. “I guess.” 

He grins. “I can do that for you, lovie. Just gimme a sec.” 

James is a loud cook. You go back to your book while cabinet doors slam and the blender whirs and there's a muffled “oh, shit” as something is undoubtedly dropped on the floor, but a minute later he’s bringing you a glass of something thick and chocolate-y looking. You smile at the added garnish of mint and a straw, reaching for it. 

“Thanks, Jamie.” 

He winks. “Anytime.” 

Remus is the only one courteous enough not to obviously watch while you take a sip, and you feel your eyebrows raise as you look up at James. 

“This is really good,” you say. He practically glows at the praise. “I didn’t even know we had chocolate ice cream.” 

Sirius barks a laugh, and James’ smile widens. 

“What?” you ask. 

“We don’t,” he admits. “Will it ruin your appetite if I tell you it’s not actually ice cream?” 

You shake your head, sucking at the straw. “I’m already drinking it, so.” 

James beams. He really is looking very proud of himself. “It’s a protein shake. A pretty balanced meal, actually.” 

“Oh, nice.” You grin at him, taking another hearty slurp mostly because you know it’ll please him. “It’s perfect, thank you.” 

“Gotta keep our sweetheart fed,” he says, bending down for a kiss. Sirius and Remus’ hums of approval nearly harmonize, and you and James share an elated look while they both do their best to pretend like it didn’t happen. 

“Can I try?” Remus asks, and you tilt the cup towards him in invitation. 

He wraps his lips around your straw, sipping hesitantly. He looks mildly impressed. 

“Could you make me one of those too?” 

From the look on James’ face, he’d be delighted to. “Course, love.” He plants a smacker on Remus’ cheek and nearly knocks Sirius over as he beelines for the kitchen. 

“This is just excellent,” Sirius gripes, but you see the satisfaction in his expression. “Now that you two have blown up his ego, I’ll have to eat something he makes too.” 

“Correct,” James says brightly. “And you should be so lucky.” 

[patchdotexe]

doip. / 9.13.24: happy friday the 13th everybody

no this isn't two weeks overdue. i definitely did not have the world's most executive dysfunction about this and we definitely are not playing again Tomorrow. dont look at the date. dont

technically this is no longer doip. bc we have graduated from Dragon of Icespire Peak to Storm Lord's Wrath! but also doip. is iconic to me and slw doesn't have the same ring to it in a post title. snakes loving women

last time: Kepesk left the party to rejoin his old group, the Wilders, and the rest of the Skeleton Crew set out on a mission from Lord Neverember to head to the town of Leilon and help rebuild it! i spend the entirety of this session forgetting the second half of that sentence. this bodes well for me

today we're recording the session! and by we i mean nyx.

nyx: my computer go fast. leo: ..is that good? nyx: no.

(jorb wants a video record for archival reasons, im continuing notetaking bc its fun and more accessible for me than watching a ~2hr vod.)

oh nevermind, trying to record killed nyx on the spot. im recording now! i am also the only person that doesnt have spoilers on my character sheet apparently. jorb is doing a recap of the story so far! which is very appreciated because it has been several years. :,D

jorb: [..] big al calazorn-- leo: calzorne??? jorb: calazorn. leo: big al calzone vocaloid real??? jorb: no.

we're on the road to viridian ciiityyyyy there's a building at the triboar trail intersection! it's an inn / tavern. a tavinn, if you will. ah. people are trying to… break into the tavinn? something is Off about them. that's not good. theyve broken in! TIME FOR ALIDAAR TO SAVE THE DAY. oh shit, its zombies. good thing the skeleton crew is here!

dauble is curled up on alidaar like a scarf. perfect position to put him into a chokehold

im microwaving nyx.

arepo opens the fight with a spray of cards! and the half-elf lady in the tavinn is also good at dealing out damage. lets go! whoa. okay these guys might be capable on their own, actually. oh my god lmao. i was gonna say "nvm one of em has a nat1" but then it still hit. that owns. even random tavinn owners are ready to kick ass at any given moment

This Table Has A Hitpoint Bar

(there's a table being used as a barricade and the zombies are trying to break it down. jorb looked up how exactly that works and discovered that the table has a silly amount of hp. and then nyx asked him to put a hp bar on the table.)

jorb: are you happy?! nyx: i am. i am happy.

alidaar backhands a zombie to death.

(im screwing around in combat more and that includes doing things like "figuring out how to use unarmed strikes" and "getting silly with it". alidaar did, quite literally, backhand a zombie to kill it)

oh fuck theres wraiths too. thats not good. arepo gets so startled he vicious mockery's a wraith lmao OH THE TABLES HAVE TURNED. BADLY. WRAITHS SCARY :0 dauble has channel divinity + turn undead! dauble blasts everything with their fucking Aura

Alidaar Is So Fucking Annoyed these zombies do Not like staying down. alidaar does a cool slide under a table about it and climbs up on top to breath weapon! it does not achieve much. i hate it here i need to stop punching things bc then i lose track of my attacks. bc i have mainhand-offhand-mainhand and i got pretty used to the rhythm of it. but also im trying to vary up how i approach combat bc otherwise i feel like im doing the same thing over and over One Of The Wraiths Has Fucking Left

dauble and doorc are just chilling here. wait nevermind doorc is on the move. wait nevermind doorc is still just chilling hes just chilling somewhere else

(one of the npcs is an orc guarding the door. he is now forever the doorc to me.)

THIS FUCKING WRAITH IS 240 FEET AWAY FROM THE INN. ITS JUST GOING. IT CAN GO THROUGH WALLS. ITS STEALING RAVIOLI OOPS ALIDAAR'S MAX HP WENT DOWN. 59 -> 36! haha im in danger

nyx: how many times can i embarrass this wraith before it just gives up?

RED WRAITH DOWN! …blue wraith still on the loose. um. hm Ol' Pisspants Wraithy Will Come Back Eventually [dauble voice] Ol' Pisspants Wraithy ol' pisspants wraithy is fucking pissed

jorb: dauble, you're up! (leo: dauble!) nyx: im using turn undead. leo: NO,

dauble has used turn undead again. alidaar stares at dauble. crosses his arms. does nothing. arepo checks his pocketwatch. we wait Another Two Minutes for turn undead to wear off and this fucker to come back DAUBLE IS GETTING FUCKING OWNED dauble is down for the count! DONT GO INTO THE LIGHT alidaar does a sick flip, shoots the wraith with his crossbow, and then while arepo is getting ready to attack i remember i can still attack twice with this awful thing and miss. fantastic

doorc is the most competent person in this entire encounter.

dauble is rolling well on death saves at least :,D

nyx: [deadpan] you can tell by the joy in my voice. jason: you sound ecstatic. nyx: i am.

ALIDAAR IS SICK OF THIS WRAITH'S SHIT. IT IS NOW CONFETTI. GOODBYE

jorb: you know how trunks kills frieza? leo: yeah.

jorb: so dauble is dying,

alidaar pours a potion of healing on dauble. please do not cease to be dauble is okay! hooray! also we've saved martisha, teegar, and coorag. teegar and coorag are married and i mixed up who is who and thought there was lesbians. there isnt. sad. alidaar is carrying dauble around like a cat. he is Very unhappy that dauble ate shit and is bad at displaying it so there's a lot of Wiggling Dauble to make sure theyre ok hooray, we're heroes! somebody is paying for our lodging and teegar's paying for our drinks :D

arepo has ordered a diet dr pepper.

jorb: she gets you a nice frothy mug of diet dr. pepper.

arepo is socializing while i catch up on note-taking bc i was busy driving the bus diet dr pepper is the famous local brew. its a peppery version of diet doctor coorag has a trident necklace! arepo recognizes it as a symbol for water stuff. i have immediately forgotten jorb's phrasing. something something not faith just lifestyle we are two hexagons away from the ocean.

alidaar is making friends! and eating pork pie. and also shoving dauble's face into pork pie. DURNALD DEEPCRUST. LMFAO

(that's the name of the cook. he's a dwarf. also the return of the "cryovain is alidaar's dad" joke happened so alidaar (lovingly) bullied dauble over it)

alidaar is a wuss when it comes to spicy so he ends up having to use bardic inspiration and a tiny bit of frost breath to survive this pork pie. this is hilarious alidaar has unlocked a tastebud. just one. OH MY GOD MY MEMORY IS STRUGGLING SO BAD. hi. we're going to a place i forgot how to spell to help with repairs. one of the people alidaar's befriended, silla, is heading there to try and do fishing stuff and get a job. also she plays the harmonica :3 alidaar has successfully played the flute! and one of the other patrons is singing along about defending the inn and then getting owned by the spicy pies. this is adorable

dauble is taking everything so normally.

dauble: can we get the 3 bed rooms? alidaar: yeah sure :3 alidaar: [lies down] dauble: [gets in alidaar's bed] alidaar:

ah. hm. dauble has sneaked off to do something while alidaar and arepo are sleeping. that's.. fine. the third bed is for twigbias. dauble is tucking the terrarium in.

aaaand that's the session! \o/

(these are way more disorganized than usual. hoo boy. juggling "being the guy that initiates interactions", "making sure the recording functions properly", and "taking notes" means that some stuff got a bit unbalanced. this is still more thorough notes than i took for the first session of doip at least lmao)

[sniffanimal]

I think one thing to remember about (some presentations of) ADHD is that it isn't always a literal internal dialogue of "That task is overwhelming/too hard/too many steps/unrewarding so I won't do it". For me, it's more like the idea of doing that task slides off my brain like butter in a hot pan. I will look at an overwhelming task and before I even finish the thought of "I should do that" my brain shakes like an etch a sketch and I've already forgotten it.

This particularly pissed my mom off when I was a kid because it's hard for me to see a sink full of dishes and associate that with "I need to do dishes", or she'd tell me to vacuum but because I wasn't immediately looking at a vacuum, I'd forget to do it. ADHD was weirdly very quiet for me, because I just wouldn't see things that overwhelmed me!

I'm now an adult who has lived on my own (/with another ADHD roommate) for 8 years now, been through therapy, and am medicated, so under the readmore I'll put some ways I combat this clear-cache process my brain does.

(obligatory im not a therapist or a doctor or anything so make sure you're consulting with those folks before doing anything major with your life. I have ADHD and have been treated for it, as well as I teach kids how to manage their neurodiversity as a job)

"I just can't remember to do something that I need to do regularly." This sucks to hear, but the answer really is routines. Routines are essential for helping manage sanity and overwhelm and keeping your house in order. And I know, firsthand, that ADHDers struggle with forming routines, but here's my major tips: scaffold. Scaffolding, or chaining, or stacking or any other name refers to picking something you already do at a set time (it's easiest if it's something you HAVE to do, like go to work or wake up in the morning, etc), and pairing your new routine task with that. And also its important to only try adding one thing to a routine at a time. Don't try to start showering, brushing your teeth, packing tomorrow's lunch, setting out clothes for the morning, reading, journalling, and doing yoga before bed all at once. Start with just brushing your teeth before you go to bed every day for like 2 weeks. Once you're solid on doing that, start adding in something else! People kinda hate on the book bc it's full of platitudes but I really liked a lot of the stuff in Atomic Habits by James Clear for setting new habits.

"I can't remember to do something that I don't need to do regularly. It's hard because I can't work it into a routine." It is not a shameful thing to need to make different visual or physical reminder for when you need to do things. Two things I particularly struggle with is turning the A/C off when I leave a room, or turning the oven off when I'm done using it. For the former, I have a small card I laminated that says 'turn off heat' that I velcro to the thermostat. When I turn the A/C on, I take the card and put it in my pocket or on my shirt or hair or somewhere where I will have it with me so that I can see the card later and remember to turn it off. For the latter, I have a necklace that I put a little tag on it that says 'OVEN' on it. When I turn the oven on, I put the necklace on, and it stays on until I turn the oven off and can take the necklace off. Try creating environmental things that work for you! I've seen people put their meds next to the canned cat food because their cats would remind them to feed them, and they would see their meds then and remember to take them!

"My working memory is really poor, I forget what I was doing in the middle of doing it." This is a kind of hard one to work on without just actively doing things in your life, but something I find that kinda helps me is doing puzzles! I'm not a big jigsaw puzzle person, but I love sudoku, pictogram, and crosswords (and some of the other things like wordle etc.) Logic puzzles are another good way to work on needing to hold something in your working memory. Puzzle video games like Portal are also good for exercising your working memory. Working memory is a bit like a muscle, and needs to be stretched to hone as a skill. When you're in the middle of one task, and another one comes up, having a pen and paper ALWAYS handy makes it easy to jot down a reminder about something you need to do later. This is often called a 'parking lot', and works well for me!

Closing notes: 2 other books to check out are How to ADHD by jessica mccabe, and The Anti-planner by Dani Donovan. The former is extremely good for an overview of what living with ADHD and working with your brain is like, and the latter is actionable activities to help with breaking tasks into more manageable formats.

[shadyhouse]

venting about work things are AWFUL right now and i just need to scream about it

i got this new job a few months ago thinking that it was gonna help me get out of this financial mess im in, i started with full time hours the first few months and things were good! but suddenly everything is just WORSE now. sure it pays slightly more but i got absolutely no hours this month bc youre expected to "earn" hours bc its all "performance based" like. i work at a fucking gas station. their literal actual excuse for me when i asked about it was "we hired more people during your shift and they wanted full time" so i just get completely thrown under the bus bc you dont deem me deserving of full time hours??? because i dont go extremely above and beyond ???????? AT A GAS STATION???? WHERE I ALREADY DO WHAT IM TOLD AND MAKE SURE ALL MY WORK IS DONE RIGHT AND PROPERLY AND THATS ALL IT HAS TO BE?????

this place's expectations are so high and corporate has their heads so far up their own asses that they treat it like youre working at the greatest establishment ever conceived and youre just undeserving and unappreciative of their generosity if you dont make their brand your entire fucking life. like okay you have this brand recognition but its still a Fucking gas station. this place is so cultish. you have to sell your soul to the company and if you desire a work/life balance or dont take it as seriously as the managers do youre punished for it.

i seriously dont know how i went from working full time to working 3 days in a single month, ive asked for more hours but they expect ME to CALL all the stores in the area to ask if they need help (most of which i cannot get to! because i dont have a car! and they know this!) and even then im only allowed to work for 4 hour shifts bc thats the rules with covering. like seriously what the fuck kind of setup is this. if im gonna spend $15 on a lyft to get to work at least let me work a full shift????????

im on day 5 of 5 days off in a row, and then after tomorrow i have 5 more days off in a row, and then i work an 8 hr shift on wednesday and a 5 hr shift on sunday. which is a day that from the start ive requested off. i have plans that weekend. so theyre straight up ignoring my availability. literally all i did was ask if i could work 8am-4:30pm instead of 6am-2:30pm because i have to wake up at 4am to catch the bus and its been really difficult for me. thats literally all i asked for and now suddenly i get less than 20 hours in a single month.

like this was so abrupt and sudden and i cant think of a single thing that would make them turn on me so hard. i do my job!?!?!? last time i was at work my boss was really short with me for no reason and she even wrote me up for something that 1) i never even got properly trained on 2) for a station that i have asked time and time again to NOT put me on because im NOT good at it. either put me in the kitchen or have me clean or have me stock, dont put me at register because i suck at it and it stresses me out. every single shift ive had for the last 2 weeks has been register. and then they blame me and write me up for things that im actively asking not to do bc i Know ill fuck it up. and we've had conversations about it. i was told that theyd put me in places im more comfortable in. and yet here i am getting written up for stupid reasons over things we've already discussed. they want to fire me SO BADLY

im honestly really upset and i dont know what to do anymore and it sucks bc every job ive had since 2022 has treated me like absolute garbage and i dont know what the fuck im doing wrong????? i start, i get told im a good worker, and then everything does a 180 and im forced to look for a new job. the cycle will never stop this is just what my life is. i dont know what to do or how to fix this. i dont even WANT to work at a gas station im here out of desperation bc my last job that i thought was going to be a career treated me so badly i just left to the first job i could find that paid more 💀

on top of everything my bank account is deep in the negatives and im scared to keep on asking for help because like. im sick of this too!!!! everything sucks!!!! everyone is broke!!!!! the good news i guess is that i applied for a better job at my roommate's place that pays a lot more and its an actual Real job but who knows if thatll actually happen..... ugh only time will tell. things HAVE to get better they NEED to 😭😭

[aropride]

i have been deeply appreciating ur TGI posting and was wondering what ur fave songs off of it are !! - mare

HI MARE im free from academia for the day (FINALLY) so i can answer this yayayaayy

as of right now. and this is in album order And im about to list off like a good third of the album sorry in advance but: only girl living in la, dog years, letter to god 1974, letter to god 1983, darwinism, lonely is the muse, and life of the spider

first of all. only girl living in la is an INSANE way to start an album. Like i knew i was absolutely in for it seeing the track list and that we were Starting with a 6 minute long song i was like Oh she loves me specifically she knew id been tormented by songs that are 2 minutes long for too long. i dont think ive ever finished the first song on an album and been, like, scared to listen to the rest of it before (good thing)

dog years. i canteven say anything yet Like theres no words. probably one of my favorites out of my favorites

letter to god 1974 and letter to god 1983 are twins to me. (well triplets shoutout letter to god 1998 no disrespect to my girl its just the first two are my faves personally) Thank u halsey for addressing the "wanting to get really sick so people would pay attention to you" to "getting really sick and it turns out people kinda dont gaf if ur in ur 20s about it" pipeline

hometown- is anyone else trying so hard to escape their hometown or is it just me and halsey and gerard "i know im never getting out of belleville" way. also i love her voice on this one

darwinism- i was reading it as being about physical disability but apparently she said it was about neurodivergence either way is anybody else feeling ostracized from the rest of society or is it just me and halsey out here

lonely is the muse- INSANE FUCKING SONG vocally lyrically musically everything. when i found out there was gonna be a Whole Album and lonely is the muse was on it i realized i was going to die.and then i did. <3

life of the spider- i knew there was a tori amos song on the album and the one tori amos song im really familiar with is me and a gun so of course i was terrified .and i was right to be. love a song i cant listen to without having a panic attack one of my favorite genres. insanely haunting song i cant really listen to this one casually yet or possibly ever i have to like sit down and prepare. this morning i saw a spider in my bathroom and started crying. tomorrow more of the same. "favorite" not in the way where i listen to it a lot favorite in the way where i can barely listen to it at all

also one more thing i feel like in general the album is organized very well does that make sense. like the songs are in a specific order that is good and makes sense. only girl living in la -> ego -> dog years -> letter to god 1974 is an insane run of songs generally let alone first on the album but also it like. makes sense why theyre in that order. also darwinism -> lonely is the muse -> arsonist -> life of the spider i can say the same of. like yeah thats the exact order those songs should go in. this is really not a Shuffling Album to me at ALL theres a specific order they all go in and i really like that Bc half the time These Days it feels like everythings so focused on having 2 minute long songs with 15 second clips that blow up on tiktok that its always nice to have an album thats like. Ok thankgod they actually give a fuck about this and its not optimized for social media analytics

thank u for reading My essay ^___^<3 u sent this 5 hours ago when i was working on my school stuff and i waslike oh thank god i get to talk about music later. A little treat for meeee to rewind and such.And then immediately i wrote A lot of sentences but, like, for fun this time so it counts as Rewinding

[elytrafemme]

shoving under the cut so i can talk candidly bc this is lowkey killing me, minors PLEASE don't read ty

sexual trauma drives me crazy insane because on top of all the like already exciting stuff i have to deal with like being unable to masturbate and endless horrifying guilt i also have this weird mindfuck where whenever im at home nobody talks about sex at all unless its a medical gig or im being told that i need to be careful because i look too pretty or im being reminded not to wear short shorts because i dont need to do that ANYWAY so anything i try to do is like inherently branded as kind of an illicit thing when its my own fucking body, but when im at uni i can't really do anything because while i didnt have a roommate last year i do have one this upcoming year and like even when i had my own bedroom i felt embarrassed and also everyone you know is way ahead of you and you are the one staggeringly behind but then you go back home and u feel like the biggest whore ever. Like. Sorry but even worse than sex not like ever going to happen for me being any kind of Other turned on is fucking embarrassing because like not exactly easy to explain to your friends that since everything got kinda ruined for u your sex ed is planned parenthood and written porn (largely fanfic) and ur routine is to just get ungodly horny and then give up (not to mention that im like super autosexual not in actual hypothetical practice but like nobody else except me gets me. Yeah). Girl who is forced to always think about sex but cannot do anything about this because of the very same thing that forces her to think about sex. AUGH. And then i try not to be envious of other peoples experiences but unfortunately i kinda have a tiny voice that sees other survivors and is like. how can you just Do The Thing. I never even had THAT direct of contact (trying not to say it wasnt that bad but like in a very literal sense it was NOT that bad) and i am like literally ruined forever lol. my literal life goal this summer is to jack off successfully but i dont want to cut my nails and i have nothing else and none of it even feels good. so i guess one day in college im just going to have to read some crazy fanfiction cut my nails and hope none of my sexually adept friends notice. should probably just bite the bullet and cut them tomorrow or something but like. Ugh. ugh.

[bonesandthebees]

I am so mad rn I fell asleep at like 7 pm I didn't mean to I just woke up and was hoping it was at least like idk 3 am but NO it's 11:30 pm and im not tired enough to go back to sleep so now I have to choose to either stay awake and be on my phone or lay in the dark and hope that's enough to lull me to sleep and I'm pissed bc I have a full day ahead tomorrow and I'm not asleep right now so I'm going to be miserable in the morning but I'm not staying at my house rn so my body is doing the weird thing it does when you stay at a friends house and it's weird about sleeping and I kind of wanna hurl myself off of a cliff rn and my phone is lagging as I write this out and it's pidssing me off even more

But yes I enjoyed the one shot I don't remember its name right now but the qsmp one it was very good and I loved the ichor children concept that's so cool :)

Oh anon I’m so sorry as someone who has dealt with anxiety-induced insomnia to the point where I had to get therapy for it I know the frustration with not being able to fall asleep. Currently my go to solution whenever I’m not tired and can’t sleep is the anxiety meds I got prescribed for that exact issue lol, but obviously you can’t do that so here are my tips

If possible, find some melatonin or at least see if you have chamomile tea. If you don’t have either of those, what usually works for me is to turn on a long YouTube video on my phone and just watch until I get sleepy. Old vods are always a good option if you want something to be interested in, but it’s probably better to watch them from a calmer cc (Niki had a super long let’s play series where she played a story game called beyond two souls and I used to listen to that whenever I had trouble sleeping).

My current go to for sleepy videos are either ASMR videos (but I know those aren’t everyone’s tastes), or two specific channels: Baumgartner Restoration or NileRed. Baumgartner is the channel of an art conservator who makes long and very detailed videos showing his conservation and restoration process for paintings clients send him. It’s so fascinating to watch, and his voice is really calming at the same time. I literally turn on a video of his every night before I sleep and rarely get more than 5 minutes into it before I’m passing out. NileRed is a slightly more…energized channel of a guy who does a lot of weird and cool chemistry! His voice is also really even-toned and calming to listen to, but the main reason his stuff helps me sleep is the minute he starts explaining ochem concepts I knock tf out. I did a full years worth of ochem in college it’s like an instinctual reaction to want to pass out hearing it again 😭

Anyway. Find some videos like the ones I suggested—preferably at least 45 min or longer. Just watch it and try to focus on the content rather than the fact that you can’t sleep. If you start getting sleepy, great! If you’re unsure but you’re kind of tired, try closing your eyes and just listening to the video. I’ve fallen asleep like that so many times before it’s my last resort method

Hope that helps!

(oh and last note: if you can't fall asleep again, try to remind yourself that's okay. the more you stress about not being able to sleep, the worse it'll get. even just laying in your bed with your eyes shut will help you feel more rested.)

[legallysoup]

18.10.23 - wednesday, mecredi, onsdag 6/31 days of the studyblr community challenge

happy birthday sarah, i apologise that you missed out on the chaos today :(

i thought it was going to rain today but no it was just the weather gaslighting me and we finished the afternoon at 25 degrees.

things i did today:

i stayed up last night doing some coding commits, i managed to do nearly all the parts. now i only have to submit the hashtags and powerpoint because im unorganised i watched both science mineral revision videos received my new minerals task, i will probably start it next week performed our drama assignment (it was so on crack i enjoyed it immensely)

things i will try to do tomorrow:

start my coding presentation finish all commits do my french bc i saw it was due but i need to wait for the lesson :/ photography branding

im not sure how much i can do bc i have an eye test but we'll see (or not depending on what the specialist says ig)

✨things i did for me today✨

talked with some friends about the new guardians of the galaxy movie, i watched it a few weeks ago and! its so good! made some sweet dumplings in syrup (they were good) does orange juice count as selfcare i think it should

my laptop is running out of storage (as in i have 2.57gb left) but i dont want to uninstall my games this is very sad now half of my websites dont run because im out of disk space aaaaaaa

day six: what did you decide to do this challenge and what is your goal?

i decided to do this challenge because as ive said, i thought it would be easier than doing launching straight into 100 days of productivity. im trying to get some sort of routine in, which is kind of happening! only one week in and im remembering to do my studyblr updates on time, which is great! once its really cemented and solid, im going to try incorporate allocating journaling or something. in my opinion, its really easy to need to work until you have to sleep, but turning off that side of the brain and chilling out before i sleep will be a good habit to get into. it won't happen in a month and teenagers are renowned for terrible sleep schedules, but ill try :)

SARAH HAS RETURNED YAY

[saidtostaine]

DID LISTTTTT ( Feb 18. 2023 )

- been such a long long long longggggggg time since i've done this but i realized how much better this made me feel so i want to do it again

💟 went to work early in the morning and did my usual stuff. cleaned the place before anything else and served some customers etc etc

💟 when i had nothing to do at work, i finished my stats and management assignmenttt, did some religion homework too but didn't finish it ( this is interesting since i didn't expect it to be so easy for me. i thought it would take up a lot of my energy but the flow was very smooth )

💟 after i got off work at around 3 pm, i did 2 loads of hand wash laundry ( IT WAS A LOT ) after a month or so of not doing any. ( it took me 4 hours 💀 but surprisingly i wasn't tired. most likely because i took frequent breaks. i watched wizard liz yt vids on my breaks bcs i love her so much )

💟 i rearranged my clothes cabinetttt. i wanted wanted wanted to do this for a long time now but i didn't seem to have the time nor the energy but now i finally did!!!! i also choose clothes that i will be donating soon since i want to have less things now

💟 i took a short shower, moisturized, and slipped into my fav comfy PJs <33 i always love this part of the day

💟 i ate dinner. AND IT WAS REAL FOOD. i enjoyed it so much, its actually been such a long time since i've eaten proper dinner so this was vv nice :')

💟 i had a massage earlier by this amazing electric massager while i was writing the half of this post. it was so relaxing i could feel my back bones rearranging and turning back to their original places

💟 NOW IM CURRENTLY HEREE writing this post, listening to perfect pair piano cover by sook on yt ( i omly discivered it earkier and ITS AMAZING i immediately fell inlove. check it out ) and so comfy under my sheets with my itadori stuffie and hot choco ☕ after this, im going to watch JJK and go to bed because its another day tomorrow!!! 😌😌

today was very fun and i feel rly good about myself. im so happy i started this again and that i am back to my recovery. everything will be just fine. i hope everyone a happy day always and forever

[wanderrlust0]

sudden rant turned spiral lol oops

my friend got tickets to see hozier aka andrew their wife and basically got them for us since i said id be down to go. personally im not like a fan where id go see him but id say im a casual listener. like i knew a good amount of songs. i loveee cherry wine and others. now that we have this concert coming up on june 7, ive become a listener. i gotta prepare and all that yknow. cant go to andrew unprepared. also..idk how?! but i was not aware of his thick irish accent.. loll and i mean, even in his new album, he sings with a clear accent?? idk how i never noticed before honestly. so yeah, im curious to know what a hozier concert will be liikeeee. this will be my second concert this yr and they both involve me going bc a friend asked me to go for company lol. i am going to another in august w my bf to see porter robinson and thats actually one i will really enjoy!! itll also be our first like “edm” dance music type concert so itll be so cool. its at the same stadium that hozier will be at as welllll..but you see, what im procrastinating is telling my bf im going w my friend. my friend who hes not a fan of. the one who he thinks is a Threat! D: ive been knowing for likee 2 weeksish and havent said a single word about it agdjfkfl but i am calling it now.. i. will. tell. him. tomorrow. period. no ifs ands or buts. i need to stop worrying and just rip the bandaid off. once i do tho, im still gonna feel anxious bc literally The NEXt WEEk we will most likely go to my (ex)coworkers second party. (the one who threw a halloween party and i didnt know if wed go but we were already hanging out that day so i mentioned it prior and we ended up having enough time and the girls house was very close to me so we ended up dropping by and i told elias right then and there so it was very last minute and kind of fucked up of me but ive developed an avoidance thing towards him if it has to do with snow bc of everything and thats why now i cant help myself from feeling nervous to ever bring them up around him bc im scared he’ll revert back and not love me and start resenting me and leave me and be mean to me and make me feel lonely and accuse me of things and say its my fault i started the friendship in the first place and that im not committed to him and dont love him anymore and everything else under the sun bc hes got trust issues which is a pain and he’ll go from loving me so hard to not in a quick minute if he starts thinking the worst possibilities and i just cant handle all of that and tbh its nothing new so ive grown to understand the process and that itll pass but it really does suckk and it can turn into a turn off and then he becomes emotionally unavailable and then i become emotionally annoyed and then its a constant reoccurring cycle that doesnt always look the same but they follow the same theme which is trust and every time it happens i want to shout at his ex for causing him to develop this issue and this is me spiraling right now bc im nervous and to be crystal clear its not bc im doing anything shady at all or anything with this friend but i just wanna feel the freedom to just casually hang out with them without it feeling so taboo or whatever bc we still have so many plans that wed like to do and idk if he will ever be okay with me going to their house and idk when he’ll ever get better where he wont care how many times we hang out or how often we talk and i just want him to chill about them bc theyre not a bad person at all theyre not this homewrecker girlfriend stealer he makes it out to beeee were literally just existinggg were literally just two friends who enjoy each others company and existence and have become very open and genuine with fairly quickly and we somehow just connected and i truly do love them as a friend and im happy weve crossed paths and stayed in touch and its just something he cant and wont fully understand about us but hes been trying to at least a little but is mainly just dealing with it bc he knows he cant stop me and im not gonna stop my friendship bc hes telling me to so,

…continued…

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[kawaiicherryblossomperfection]

i was born then they died i was alive so i lived forever with yoon keeho exactly but this time shes mine! guys this time i love her and this time i want to see her live with your opaque green ornaments and sandalwood trees ew ur so black! today desarae? and u have no voice acting lessons black legions no black legends ew ur nasty ew ur a cure ew ur ghetto bitch ew nah im not not what? not in love with me? i am i am! ok fine byee dudee omg ok so were good now? yes were fine mhm :) ew ur nasty go home tomorrow u died in there? no i became a robot wait! omg no i didnt see u did u want to stay awhile yes i do in fact i do ok so how did u get here? we hate u we dont hate u we like shes just weird she has a phobia of choosing its real look it up! i hate u we got her! the suicide boys did! we took her voice and she is happy! that she lives another day no?! yes we live with lava & knives they hey hey its the bee keeper ew i have a ghetto heart too i was just too poor to see it no! no! no?! she did not do that? she literally didnt its my alive soul speaking to u from an alive soul no i was gonna say man? she turned me into a man! no i didnt do anything to u at all shes gonna come live with me but i wont know her face and she wont know mine or somewhere else along the way! i know all her information and we fly high she didnt say one bad thing get ahold of her hey hey its atlantis want to come with us? why? ur new technology no im fine by myself lets keep going to neptune everyday underwater what? i live on planet neptune for eternity and i live on atlantis ok is that about it? yes ok goodbye thank u ok so we will live on! and charge ur phone? how i dont know a charger ok so go home queeno britney what? did ur robot try to kill u? ah so i am a robot no this is zeus! i am her robot ew what? im her daddy were in the lovebombing part of the manga ok so go home to novemver what! hi its zeus are we back yet? no daddy can the bee keeper come? no ok what about lava & knif3? ok so ew! u stole this from me? no keeho i dont steal ok so go home queeno bendy is over in this comic book manga manga manga manga manga i write manga ok so go home queeno bendy! shes in the right vicinity ew no she has no homor training ew i want her ew i dont want her i will write ok? what the script hi i love u no like im fine ok thank u lordy its the suicide boys! all of that stays shes writes the script of her life and her bed can skateboard now! its cool as fuck and we kove her deeply and are in love with her deeply deeply in love with her deeply in love with her deeply in love with her where did we go? we went far away wheres theres no sunlight and we watch her fade away into a sunshine abismal ok? so no zeus daddy he i am here! i dont love her though i hate her i thought she was evil i love her we go home to! hahaha its zeus daddy for real now keeho stole her nwhat u didnt just fix the manga u broke its rule! u cant have manga and comic books so go home queeno britney! hang on its chanhee what do u want to do? have fun no i want to live her life for her! why? bc i love her ok so do something about it its zeus books were never gonna leave so calm ur tits down i dont love her! we dont either we love her very much but were gonna hey whered our audience go? omg! shes a fat biitch ew ur a kpop idol now? no manga voice turned on so stop talking ha nope no shes too mean around me i love her can i marry her? no u cannot unmarry me ew! what are we gonna happen to us? daddy off with my head

[moodywyrm]

that’s so cute!!! crochet garlands are adorable,, one of my friends made me a daisy garland a few months ago and i love it sm !!! i love when people crochet things as a gift, it’s so much more special that way :( 🫶

i normally don’t like building things but there’s something about ikea that puts me in a building mood 😭 i built a bookshelf for our balcony the other night and i felt so accomplished .

i know i’m so !!!??? i have an idea of what it could be bc we’ve gone on vacation together but it’s always something small, and she’s going all out for this trip .. i told my best friends and they’re all thinking the same but i don’t want to jump to conclusions 😭

that’s good!! and i’m glad you’re enjoying crocheting so much omg 🫶 no walk :( but at least you played!! and yummy :oo there are a bunch of taquerias near me but i haven’t gotten food from one in forever 💔

my day was good!! i was off work so i relaxed at home,, i’ve been in a christmas mood lately for some reason so i started shopping for decorations 😭 and i found out one of my best friends is moving to my city!!! i’m sososo excited :) the rest of the day was good tho!! gf and i started packing for our trip and it was a very nice night :) and then i got my guts rearranged but anyways .

how’s your day? <3

- 🩷

yeah!!! im so excited, im hopefully getting more yarn for it tomorrow!! and Im so happy that I can make gifts for people!!

the sheer insanity of ikea instructions makes me want to build out of Spite, I literally fought with a bookshelf for Three Days. but its a nice bookshelf so it's okay <3 and yay!! im sure it looks so good!!

we're not jumping to conclusions buuuuttttttt it is kinda suspicious and im rooting for you!! `even if it's not that, it's gonna be a wonderful vacation <3

yeah!! im really liking it!! It feels good to like, work with my hands <3 yeah!! they got to run around and play, so it was all good <3 I love taquerias so much, im so sad we dont have any really good ones in my college town :( especially bc I miss Mexican food so much when im over there :(

christmas!! im a halloween girlie myself, I've never had like a really good christmas :( but its super pretty!! and I love decor shopping, that must've been so fun!! and oh my god!1 hell yeah!! less of those meanie friends you told me about n more of the fun ones!! packing!! yay!!! and no im so jealous omg when is it my turn

my day was good, we got a long walk in this morning!!! I spent most of the day just reading and cleaning, and then falling into a tiktok spiral but it's fine! how was your day?

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...