#its 4am and i cant sleep i think im losing it

[arriettyspin]

So in Across The Spider-Verse when Gwen first teleports into Miles's bedroom, this pink garment she wears (that is later revealed to be borrowed from Hobie) is referred to as a sweater.

Now, I thought sweater was the US equivalent to what we call a jumper in the UK which is a closed, thick garment. Meanwhile what Gwen wears is open at the front. It's a cardigan, not a jumper.

I'm afraid I can no longer suspend my disbelief. Worst film ever.

[innocencelives]

talking to myself: Growth and a Paralyzing Crossroads

i think i am uncomfortable with stability.

last few days i cant stop thinking about how far ive come! unbelievable, truly-i cant believe it. from years i spent not with one friend, not a single one. total recluse, couldnt leave the house, scared of every human, never hung out with anyone because i just had not a single friend.

now i wake up everyday to dms from 10 different friends!! i used to sink into such a depression, a spiral of loneliness and self hatred and paranoia when someone didnt respond to me. now i try so hard to have the energy to respond to all my friends! i even find myself, actually telling myself that i COULD be mean if i were that person haha. knowing that people actually look up to me, people admire me from afar, people think im so fucking cool what the FUCK. and yet i still look in the mirror, and barely recognize that person, wearied, scarred, and battered.

obviously it……was maybe a month ago i was suicidal, convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that my life is a cruel joke made to subject an individual to the most brutal emotional agony imaginable… emotional impermanence. every emotion is all encompassing, i get lost in my head so easily.

ive started to tell people i have brain damage. it started as a joke, it sort of still is, but how better to explain the way trauma has left me so dysfunctional? forgetting everything, needing help with everything, missing social cues, using a shower chair haha. need help lifting everything, say so many things i dont mean. no shower in the last 6 months…yikes. brain damage is a perfect euphemism, i just dont work properly. im just in a mental wheelchair.

its okay, its who i am, its my life story, proof i made it out.

—

in the last hour i messed up. i had a chance to go to sleep at 4am, so early for me! oy. but i think, i think i felt uncomfortable at how semi-normal things have been. good friends, i actually cleaned! and kinda liked it???? thinking abt how loved i am, and how i have the potential for such peace in my future. so what did i do? i sabotaged it.

this is..too far from my abuse. too moved on, no breakdown recently. friends? that doesnt satisfyingly imply how wretched my abuse was. i suppose i felt fearful i would lose my status as a living, breathing, testament to the capability of incest to destroy ones entirely life and psyche. who am i if not living proof? the only proof, the only one who can say what he did. the only one to remember it, the only family member to believe it. maybe i think im, some kind of missionary, i bear the responsibility to pass my tale down to whoever will listen.

maybe its just the lack of closure. i mean, i still think abt it constantly, still am very broken, still was recently suicidal, but even a brief respite felt uncomfy.

so i went and read vicious, graphic depictions of unresolved abuse cases. then tried to masturbate to the idea my abuse was consensual.

oh this took a turn…healing is non linear, so so so so so incredibly erratic. i try to understand it, i try so hard, to connect to what happened to me. to break my numbness, to provoke this emotional self harm and pray it leads to catharsis. but it doesnt always. sometimes it just. hurts

7am now.

ah i feel it burning under my skin. the abuse, tangible, true, intoxicating in its truth. it burns, it aches, it yearns to be heard. i want to tell them all, i want everyone to know. i want to forget my whole childhood, but i also want to be the messenger, i want to keep the flame of my suffering burning. people must know, they must know how bad it was. anhedonia, rape, homelesness, a world branding me worthless, an extended family choosing a pedophile over me. they all must know. everyone should have it weigh on their concious. not just my family, everyone! everyone who exalts life should know the terrors some of us experience—describe it in seething, heart shattering detail. if you know life the way i know it, you should scream it from the rooftops. you should make the uninitiated bear the burden of knowing. it was comically, surreally unfair. a crime against everything we love about this world. the injustices that exist, the parallel realities we inhabit, they all must know.

im wrestling, fighting with the life i have, the life i had, and the life i want. i dont know how to reconcile them. im being pulled in so many directions. maybe im at a crossroads, 10 years since i understood the abuse. i dont know where to go from here. i dont know what i want to be. do i want it to consume me? do i want to leave it behind? its not forgetting, but its not a burden. whats between those two.

holding.

[dear-happypills]

me: why am i so depressed

always. like, its not getting better...

happypills: you look fine to meh yooo. you look super star.

me: -_-;; i lost confidence in your support a long time ago.

sigh*

happypills: no, but really... i mean, i was asking my friend and his Host's, Jasons i think, situation just..... SUCKS.

like, living in a war torn country... like, you know?

like,.... just surviving.... to literally stay alive

compared to tthhhatt.... id say were doing pretty swell???

me: wait.... you have friends? what friend???

happypills: umm... my friend happypills.

me: wtf.... so when you say Host, does that mean i am your Host??? like how this other happypills is to this jason???

happypills: woww.... youre really not seeing the bigger picture here. all im saying is that you have a home, stable job, food on the table, money coming in....

me: ... and coming out because of all the shit you spend....

happypills: SEEE. why cant you focus on the positive. others think youre doing fineeee.

me: BUT.... IM NOT.

im not ...........

im stifled in anxiety for.... anything and everything... like im barely getting by each thing, every day.

... i..... wake up at night.

and think about some random shit -- past, present, future...

and i obsess over it. FOR HOURS.

and because i cant get sleep because of that, the next day i go to bed at like 8pm. but that turns to 12am .... just thinking. and lying on the bed. for 4 hours.

then i wake up around 1:30am... and do the same thing.

and turns to 4am.

and then at 5am im awake.... and go to work.

and rinse and repeat.

FOR WHAT??? like what???? i do all this just to survive too...

happypills: yea..... BUT i was speaking of surviving in terms of like... a bomb might drop ... and you lose a limb.

surviving like,.... youre starving.

surviving like,.... like someone might just bust into your place and rape you -- legit dick in butt type rape.

surviving like.... do i need to go on?

me: oh, so jason can afford happypills, but hes starving... thats me too. Bleh, ANYWAYS,... anyways,

i UNDERSTAND. but,.................. im drowning.

im....

in paralysis...

to a point where i cant go out of my home, aside from the routine i have of going to work and buying cigarettes.

happypills: ... yea, you really need to stop spending money on postmates.... and you tell me that i spend all your money??? just go out and buy McDonalds....

me: ...................................

.as i was saying....

i ..... am in paralysis. i .... cant ... explain it either. its anxiety... its depression. its stress. its ....

happypills: you just need to go out and meet some people???

me: UGH. you sound like everyone else; youre not listening...

i cant. just do that.... i dont know how to put something new into a routine ive made so that i can afford shit for myself....

JUST TO SURVIVE.

you know....

when i was in college, and students would take leaves for like a year or two.... or take a break from work and travel for a few months...

or something. to pause and change the pace.

that was never an option for me....

because the entire time....

i just want to survive. and get by. and if i took a break, the anxiety of falling behind...

would just get me to keep running....

happypills: oh jeez, its not like you have a PhD... or are a CEO.... or President... chillout

me: im not saying im climbing up... nor do i even want that.

i just.... need to keep a routine going.

a routine where i can exist.

because when it ends.

i dont rest,... but am anxious about not running...

so i forcefully, and barely, find a new routine.... and then run again, and run faster because of this fear of not being able to adapt....

and another cycle again. each time, worse and more difficult than before....

you know what i mean????

like.....yea, as you say, i know im not at immenent threat of being raped... but

i am just surviving....

....with this depression.

ugh........................................

..........................................idk..

i shouldve just.... taken a leave.

....

.

and never come back....

happypills: ....................................

.......................................

YEAaaaHHhHhhhhhhhh.......... ...................

BUT im still not really getting this surviving thing..

i mean compared to jaso..............

me: fuck you.

- happypills

[tiredsadpeach]

breakdown 2.0

[kazuwhora]

hi kc!! i saw that your requests are opened so is it okay if i ask for a matchup 👉🏼👈🏼 feel free to ignore this if not!!

i go by any pronouns and im an infp(i think) and my zodiac is cancer!! i would say that im much more on the introvert side but with close friends and family im much more extroverted. most of the things i do heavily depend on my mood? like if i feel happy on a certain day i’ll have no problem talking with strangers and if im feeling shitty then i would prefer being left alone. im someone who tries their best to make sure everyone around me has a positive image of me, i get highly anxious when i hear someone dislikes me for any particular reason. im also highly aware of the things i do because im insecure and im afraid of judgement jwjsnd. i get random bursts of energy like with friends one moment i’ll be acting like a total crackhead and the next i’ll be super quiet and tired since my social battery drains too quickly for my liking. im not one to open up about myself but i feel like i do talk a lot about what happens in my life to the point where i feel annoying lmao. i dont like they way i act sometimes? because i feel like im a very toxic person so i can be self critical. im kind of stubborn too like youre gonna have to give me a ten page essay on why i should not be doing a certain thing. im the type of person who always finishes what they started because i cant stand not completing a certain project or goal i end up hating myself jwns. oh im a very picky eater too and i have this tendency to chew on ice cubes eheh

uhmm as for interests i dont really have a fixed interest? because i lose interest in stuff really quickly but i do enjoy playing games, writing, drawing, daydreaming and sleeping. im tired 24/7 but when i sleep at like 4am in the morning. i used to do embroidery too but i mainly lost motivation to do it oops

my love language would be physical touch i love love love shit like holding hands and nice hugs esp when they swing your hands while holding them aaa but tbh all of the love languages appeal to me and i do a lil bit of all of them too

really what i look for is someone who can vibe with me since i do stupid crap but at the same time knows how to tone it down when my social battery runs out. as long as theyre funny, respectful and understanding, i’ll be falling head first for them😩

uhh and yeah thats about it!! im sorry if its too long and thank you sm if you do this love you <3

NOT ME READING THIS PANICKING THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT I DECIDED TO IGNORE IT LAFHLIURHGWUHG pls forgive me IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG

you sound very much like an infp and that's why I'm gonna say that your best match is honestly mikey and im not even saying this bc I know you love him IM SAYING IT BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE and here is why

in cases where introverts get really burnt out sometimes by interactions, I almost ALWAYS scream intp because it just ??? works ?? mikey is an intp and by nature he's an ambivert. the type to really need someone to help reel him in and relax and not worry about being so social, the type to struggle with expressing his emotions and showing them, the type that NEEDS an infp to encourage that aspect of him. and between you two he's so self critical that experiencing your own self criticisms makes him frustrated and when he realizes that this is how you feel when he criticizes himself in the same way, he'll take a step back and re-evaluate how he goes about things. I think he's the type to really encourage you to tap into the nurturing sense of an infp, which in turn has an effect on how you view yourself and the role you play in people's lives. mikey knows this too, and that's why he's so grateful for your presence.

also physical touch?? mikey needs it. he'll pretend at first like he doesn't care and doesn't like being touched, but if you force him to cuddle he'll give in to his neediness and melt in your arms because really he never had anyone to just hug him and let him get lost in himself and the comfort of someone else. poor baby

[ughitsnic]

Remember when: Chris Evans

Over 2k words... which a hell of a lot for me. i dont really know what i was doing with this one but i had fun writing it. angst? yeah kinda

It was never Chris' fault, he was so caring and full of love but that was just who he was. It was that you were in a relationship that felt forced and that was moving way too fast and way too public for both of your liking. It was tough on you where as before you would happily go places together, baseball games, go out for food get a drink, walk the dogs. But now? Everyone was watching over analyzing the headlines were ridiculous people conspiring about an inevitable break up because you both looked stressed.

"Hey" you sigh, putting the groceries down on kitchen island and kicking off your shoes. "Im home!" No answer. You take your time unpacking and putting everything away neatly in the fridge. You shut the door and look at the polaroid picture stuck on by a mickey mouse fridge magnet. A picture of you and Chris from when you were younger at disney in front of the epcot ball, vanilla ice cream allover your faces. You smile, you couldn't remember much from the trip because you were both only 8 but you did remember telling each other you were going to be best friends forever.

"Did you get stuff for waffles?" Chris questions, walking in only in his gray sweatpants.

"Yep, I got whipped cream, strawberries, blueberries and chocolate syrup" you tell him, putting the picture back up.

"God I love you" he mumbles, kissing your cheek and getting a bottle of water out the fridge.

"Do you remember this?" You question.

"I remember you crying on the tower of terror"

"No i didn't” you say defensively”

“Yes you did, you didn't stop crying for like half an hour!” he laughs

“At least i didn't piss my pants!" You fire back, laughing.

"Hey! I didn't piss my pants" he groans.

"Yes you did!"

"No it was a tiny bit" he stresses.

"So you pissed"

"Y/N stop" he laughs. "I'm still embarrassed" his cheeks pink.

"Shut up pissypants" you giggle

"Y/n!" he drags out, pouting.

"What are you gonna do tell your mum?" You question.

"I might" he shrugs, finishing his water.

"Oh please do" you laugh.

"Stop i was like 5"

"We were 8!"

"So! You know what" he points trying to hold back his laughter. "I didn't forget when we had that sleepover and you had that sex dream about Jackson and you woke me up sleep talking" your cheeks burn.

"Oh my god shut up" you cover your face.

"Oooo Jackson" he says in a high pitch voice.

"It wasn't a sex dream" you stress. "Fine. Remember when..." you trail off, you lock eyes, both widening knowing you're thinking of the same thing.

"Dont!"

"When you had sex with Jessica and you only lasted 20 seconds!"

"We both know that isn't the case anymore" he winks trying to play it cool but you can read him like a book and the pained expression on his face let you know that he was dying on the inside, thinking back.

"How old were you again?" You tease

"Baby, stop it" he begs.

"Okay, i'll stop" you stomach hurt from laughing so much. "I wonder if Jessica remembers?" You ponder walking over to give him a hug and to tease him even more.

"You're the worst" he mumbles against your hair letting out a little laugh.

"I heard she has kids now, so does Jackson," he says quietly. You press your lips together pulling away.

"I think i'm going to go take a shower before you make those waffles" you say quietly, the entire mood shifting. He just nods. That was the thing it was great, brilliant even, when you joked around and just hung out until actual relationship stuff came up, like the subject of kids. The plan was always for yours and Chris's kids to be best friends just like you two were because both of your moms were. The plan never was to have kids together, the plan was never to start dating in the first place.

"Can I join you?" Chris questions snapping you back to reality. You really had no clue if Chris felt the same about this whole thing.

"Another time?"

"I promise I'll last longer than 30 seconds" he smiles.

"Who said anything about that?" You question biting back a smile. You could never say no. He was just mind blowing in bed, on the couch, on and against the counter top, in the back seat of the car, the shower was no exception. In fact this entire thing started because you both decided, wine drunk, that you should sleep together. You were both fresh out of relationships, both sad and horny. And when people saw you leaving the guest room they assumed you were secretly together, so you both decided to give it a try. You were just 'testing the waters' and to start with it was perfect for everything you could want but now? You just wanted your best friend but if you did break up would there be a friendship?

“Are you being serious right now Chris?” you were so angry.

“What?” he questions confused. Is he being for real?

“In that interview you said you were hoping to have kids in the near future!”

“Whats the issue, we’ve been together for over a year y/n, we aren’t getting any younger!” he stresses. “I do want kids, and you want kids but what is your problem? Is it me?” he questions, he looked heart broken. “Why don’t you want a family with me?”

“I’m just not ready yet Chris, i don’t want to rush things” you lie… well was it a lie? You wanted to wait and see if this was even going to work out.

"I’ve known you all your life i know when you're lying! Do you know how embarrassing it is when there's pictures of your girlfriend ducking out the way so i don’t kiss you? Its fucking embarrassing y/n you need to figure out what you want from me because i’m starting to think we both have very different priorities!" Chris shouts, you reach for his arm as he tries to leave. "Just give me some space"

At night you lay on opposite ends of the bed despite both of you being cuddlers.

"Whats on your mind?" You question, watching him chew at his lip.

"Nothing just tired" he lies.

"I know when you're lying" you sit up.

"And i know when you’re lying" he snaps. "I’m sorry" he quickly apologizes before wiping his eyes. "I’m sorry that i don’t make you happy" his voice was unsteady.

"You do make me happy" you crawl across the bed and pull him into a tight embrace, his head resting on your shoulder.

"You can be honest with me" he mumbles, running his fingers through your hair. "I see you pull your hand away when i go to hold it, i see how you cringe when i call you baby" he sounded heart broken.

"Chris" you whisper, your own heart breaking because you knew exactly where this was going.

"No don’t lie, i know you hate that we cant go anywhere with out people taking pictures and over analyzing everything we do. I see how you dodge the subject of babies and i know you want one" he sighs. "But not with me and that’s okay... I’m sorry but i don’t think i can do this anymore. I love you y/n i really do but i’m not in love with you" he lifts his head up to look at you, his eyes already red and puffy

"I-I don’t want to lose you" Your eyes sting and he just sighs, you felt as though you couldn’t breath. Even though you knew this would be the outcome it didnt hurt any less.

"You wont" he assures.

"What? Are we just going to look back in 10 years and be like wow remember the time you ate my coochie for like an hour and we pretended to love each other" you try to lighten the mood despite the heavy flow of tears from the both of you.

"You really do have a way with words y/n, but exactly" he forces a smile, despite his cheeks being stained with fresh tears. "Or remember the time when i lasted way long than 30 seconds" you let out a shaky laugh.

"I cant believe you’re breaking up with me" you mumble.

"If you want, you can break up with me?" He questions 

"Remember the time i dumped your ass?" 

"I do i cried like a baby just like you did when we watched marley and me for the first time" he reminisces

"Hey" you nudge his shoulder playfully. "You cried at that movie too"

"I did" he frowns. "Its a sad movie"

"I know bub. But what do we do now?"

"I don’t know. Do you want to spend some time apart?" He asks and you shrug. Usually after a break up you would find your self at Chris's house for a week or to or vice versa.

"I- I just broke up with a really amazing guy and i really need my best friend right now" you start to cry all over again. "Because i don’t want to lose him"

"You’ll never lose me" Chris whispers, now holding you in his arms rubbing circles on your back. "I love you"

"Ouch too soon" you joke wiping your tears again.

"I love you, platonically" he corrects. "Now? Do you want to watch back to the future or lion king?" Both of them were yours and Chris’s go to films when growing up. "I’m going to go get us some snacks"

"Its 2 am" you remind him.

"So? It will be like old times" he smiles. "Only this time my dad wont come in and shout at us for talking too loud"

"Remember when we were playing on the playstation at like 4am and your dad came in and split us up so we would actually sleep"

"Yeah" he smiles, his eyes bright. "I had to sleep on the couch and you got my bed but you come and got on the other couch so you weren’t alone because you were scared of the dark"

"It wasn’t me who was scared of the dark it was you"

"Maybe was both of us... maybe it was me" he laughs.

"I cant wait to tell everyone i dumped captain america" you laugh.

Whilst it wasn’t what you wanted you both took a step back from each other you moved out and got an apartment the other end of town and hardly ever saw Chris because he was always filming but you still got to see dodger all of the time, watching him when his family couldn’t. Sometimes you’re relationship gets brought up in interviews and he just smiles and shrugs.

"People say marrying or even just dating your best friend is the best thing you could do, but when you've been best friends since you were born it doesn’t really work. Its like we dated because we owed it to our self and our families to see if we would work out. We didn’t. That’s okay and thankfully we are still friends. Maybe its not actually mutual and that i’m just harassing her and y/n is too nice to tell me to tell me to leave her alone. please hang out with me y/n lets go get food, come watch a movie" he jokes. "No" he shrugs. "We are still best friends"

You were sat in the passenger seat of Chris’s car as he speeds down the road, the radio blaring.

"If you don’t stop with this crazy driving you’re going to send me into labor a month early" you tell him.

"That’s the plan i cant wait to meet my niece" he smiles stopping at a red light, he reaches over and rests his hand on your large bump. You groan as she starts to kick, it was something about Chris's voice she loved.

"She better not replace me" you joke.

"I guess you can come to our movie nights" he smiles. You were currently on your way to a restaurant out of town, you were craving the food and your fiance Matthew was at work so Chris offered to take you. Your laughter dies down and you just listen to the radio. Moral of the story playing, you could help but laugh to you self quietly looking over at Chris who was in deep thought. Was he thinking the same thing as you? Or did this some almost perfectly describe those 18 months you were together?

(btw my requests are open so feel free to send anything in)

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ��Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[mx-princey]

ughhhhh im trying to work on making an ambience playlist in audacity and i was working on it for literally like 4 hours and suddenly???? it decides to insist that it cant do anything with data in C:??? like literally my whole computer??????? i cant edit it anymore and i cant save or anything. i tested and other audacity projects work fine cause i checked. i cant research rn and frankly i dont really want to bc its 4am and i was planning on sleeping right before this happened so like. i think im going to close my laptop and just pray to the universe that it somehow fixes in the morning or that at the very least i dont lose everything ive done

[princeyadon]

hhh ok life update here ig

anyways, back when i quit my job i noticed a dark black spot on my nail on my toe on my right foot, i thought it was persistent dirt but it didn’t go away. didn’t think much on it, prolly somethin dumb. it doesn’t hurt and i can’t really see my feet well cuz my eyes and glasses are shit, and it was dark in my room when i noticed it

today i still have it, so it’s been arnd 5 months, its now a brown colour and i think its smaller. idk for sure cuz when i first looked at it, it was dark, and again my eyes are shit. but now theres a larger dark spot on my left foot toe nail, it’s black. idk when i first noticed it but i know it’s been there for a while, too. 

no pain, i dont remember any injuries, they are on matching toes similar locations. it could have been shoes or stubbing them or something, im just not sure when they got there exactly and how.

so, the right foot one doesn’t concern me since i do believe its smaller as i normally wouldnt have noticed it since eyes shit, i only know its there cuz it was noticed previously. which means its probably a blood bruise from an injury i dont remember. the problem is the left foot, idk when it got there, its much larger, on the corner where the nail starts and it meets the skin. the darkness isnt on the skin, just under the nail. i dont have any comparison or anything for it, i never noted them or took photos so i have no idea if its gotten bigger or smaller, or when it happened

the problem here is that, this is either bruising, or it’s one of the deadliest cancers out there so YEEHAW !!! cancer also runs in my family so thats cool.

i am going to a walk in clinic on friday but ive looked it up and the only real way to tell is through a biopsy and i didnt fuckin look into what that entails all i know is it that it sounds fucking painful esp since its a nail bed issue. 

i am lucky tho my stepmom is gonn come drive up to come w me 0′’( i feel like vomiting and passing out and i cant feel my legs when i think abt just the idea of taking blood, i have a terrible phobia of needles. 

i would leave it to find out, cuz apparently it can take up to 9 months for a blood bruise under a toenail to heal, but ive already done 5 months w the one. and i really dont wanna risk that you know..? idk, ig id rather traumatize myself finding out im ok than traumatize myself finding out im very very very not ok.

the other thing is, i dont have any other symptoms. and i cannot find any symptoms for this shit, just the nail issue?? i have no excessive fatigue, no sickness or repeated sickness, no sleep issues, no weight fluctuation, no appetite issues, like all the stuff id associate w a compromised immune system isnt there. i tried to find other symptoms for this but nothing came up, instead all i get is “OO SPOOKY SCARY U WILL DIE FROM THIS IF LEFT UNCHECKED DID U KNOW A PERSON IN AMERICA DIES EVERY HOUR TO THIS TYPE OF CANCER AND 1/5 PEOPLE GET IT??? OOOO SCARY”

anyways i was losing my mind and couldnt sleep till 4am so i let myself sleep extra late today cuz i am just, not doin so hot thinking abt it. normally i don’t get affected by cancer scares but this one is like, too risky..?? there’s no other real explanation other than the two options, and the wait time to find out safely is so long that i continue to risk shit esp since its already been months. and i just cannot remember having injured myself or worn shoes that were too tight etc. i did break new shoes two months ago but i cannot remember which foot ended up hurting more. my memory just isnt reliable for it....

i did take pics to log last night tho... and i noticed a lot of sources say this spotting usually occurs as bands or streaks that get larger, mine are just weird spots. but it also mentions them too so i have no idea what to think

for now i am tryna not think abt it till friday when i go, cuz i can’t do anything until then

[sarcasti-cally]

@bokutokoutarou​ omfg i just saw this now hello thank you for tagging me?? i love you so much yes uh i’m a huge WET SIMP (i literally have my username as wetsimp for games n shit its cursed) for iwa, so. yeah- sorry lev. iwa came first 😌

iwaizumi x jazmyn ❤️ ❤️

how we met

i feel like i was just straight up vibing outside of aobajohsai, just roaming around waiting for someone to pick me up???

i hear the squeaky squeaky in the gym and i go 👀 

of course this bitch goes inside, because i’m very C U R I O US. yessir, yessir.

first thing i see. IWA. JUICY HUNK OF A MAN, IWA.

i wouldnt know his name because 1. my memory is shit, and 2. my memory is shit.

you just hear me screaming “YEAHHHH GO NUMBER 4!!! LETS GOOOOO WORK IT!”

after their practice, he’d kinda look at me weird but i think i’d be the first one to ask his name, while at the same time my face is kinda blushy blushy.. i mean my knees would just buckle when i stand up in front of him- i’d kind of regret it (because secretly im so fucking nervous omg), but not really.

even though i seem so extroverted- hell no am i going to ask for his number first- holy shit i’m gonna have to wait for him to give me his, i will literally be so scared of messing up what i have with him because i dont want to lose our little playful arguments we have.

100% whenever i’m with iwaizumi just hanging out in the halls and i see oikawa, i’d definitely just mention how great of a person he is, and that i’m his #1 fan just to make him jealous :)))

i’d definitely annoy him during the classes we have together.. for example: breaking a pencil in half and throwing it at him.. ripping pieces of paper from my notebook and throwing it at him.. eraser shavings.. etc.

while we date

im now a mess.

he teases me because when we first met i was a literally a bully to him, but now he knows EVERYTHING. i cant hide the fact that i actually wanna hug him like my own personal 5′10 teddy bear.

he probably calls me a tsundere (like all my other friends 💀) and i would not stop messing with him for the entire day. i’d probably yell in the halls, “IWAIZUMI HAS A SMALL DICK, I REPEAT, IWAIZUMI HAS A SMALL DICK! ITS A MICROPENIS!” when school is over, you’d catch me BOOKING IT.

i’d spam him weird ass tik toks, cursed images and memes every 5 minutes. probably ask if he wants to exchange thigh pics too.. 😏

YOU’D LITERALLY CATCH ME LACKING PLAYING SIMS AND MAKING HIM AND ME FUCK IN IT AHGHAHFHA 

i already see him telling me to go to sleep when its 4am, and i’d OBVIOUSLY continue to stay up until 8am. whenever he tells me to go to sleep, i’d reply with “make me” just to see what he’ll do.. like pin me against a wall and whisper sweet nothings into my ear

i secretly love it whenever he mentions my height.. (uhithinkihaveasizekinkhelp) because he’s just so.. HOT. i love his arms. his legs. his thighs. his calves. his chest. his face. his ears. his- EVERYTHING

i’d always offer if he wants anything. “do you want me to cook for you?” “do you want me to get you cereal?” “want something to drink?” “want me to get you a blanket?” because i will do ANYTHING for this man. and i’m not even a good cook, so thats saying something.

i’d take his hoodies without him knowing until last minute and he’d just smirk at me.. yknow??? and that smirk will make me die, honestly.

practically forcing him to watch a horror movie with me at a cinema, since he’ll probably mention that i get really scared and cry when i watch them but its ok, because i’ll be holding onto him the entire time!!!

AMUSEMENT PARK DATES. YES. GET ME A BIG TEDDY BEAR. i’m pretty sure he’d repeatedly be saying.. “are you sure you’re tall enough for that ride?”  😶 

no cap i could literally go on and on about iwaizumi so imma just stop myself before i write a whole story about my weird fantasies i have whenever i go to sleep 😇

[tessacxstello]

hello im (F, 24) an idiot and forgot to post tessa’s (F, 22, fictional) intro!

pls bare in mind most of this was written 5+ years ago n i haven’t written tessa since 2015...... but lets get this show (LOCKWOODRP) on the road (DASHBOARD). 

tw school shooting, tw bipolar disorder

art hoe. always covered in paint. why?? she bad at painting

the mark rothko jackson pollock kind of bad tho wher people are like.... omg.... revolutionary..... its a badly drawn vagina

fuckin loves astrology, but cant take it that seriously bcos one of her bfs was a gemini so there’s some lenience there. but she WILL blame her hormones and mood swings on the positon of mars

embodies pure sunshine. 

one of those really annoying people that can go through the most traumatic shit and still find a positive spin. 

cares so much for others but does not really care for herself n it’s meant she just bottles up all this shit n when someone asks her how her day has gone she just falls on the ground like tht bit in midsommar when florence does that loud wheezy noise and sits down 

has never really had much money at all. learns to make-do with what she has. loves upcycling!! her bookshelf is made from cardboard which she’s reinforced by pappering it over with pages ripped out of thrifted books. her sofa is an old car boot which she’s repainted, put on wheels and stuffed w cushions so that it’s actually bearable to sit on.

her knitted cardigan? its made out of wife material.

knits all the time. will crochet you a christmas scarf. if ur lucky you might get a knitted jumper with a penis in a santa hat

still sleeps with cuddly toys n then wonders why ppl dont think she’s mature enough for a serious relationship

very passionate about Sister Doing It For THemselves!! raised by a single mom who worked her ass off so that tessa could do fun activities after school, have lelli kelly shoes, and go to college (not necessarily in tht order of importance)

tessa was born out of wedlock as the result of an affair between her mom (a journalism intern in her early 20s) and a new york times editor. 

the editor offered to pay tessa’s mom off to have an abortion, but she was like fuck u and told the papers he’d done that and used the money to cover the cost of her internship which they refused to pay her for

and because of the scandal, he ended up going through a pretty messy divorce with his wife, and losing custody of his kids. so as a child  tessa was seen as the cause of a divorce and received mutliple letters from the editors wife (to tessa personally!) and his kids saying how she had ruined everything, but her mom moved them to another town so tessa didn’t have to deal with that crap. 

her mom worked 3 jobs to put her through school, so in return tessa pushes herself incredibly hard to succeed. needs a break and a hug and to get laid to be honest. 

an old soul. likes old films, old music, old people. only recently got an iphone 5s so not really with this century yet

very sweet and soft and kind but also a fucking mess and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion. she’ll take comfort, but not advice. 

feminist buddhist bisexual vegetarian for human rights and animal welfare. standing on a soapbox shouting about the climate in the quad, shoving flyers into your hands. flyers everwhere. she turns up at your grandmas funeral and shoves one into her mouth. she’s stolen the mic from the vicar to talk about pandas.

says “mother of pearl” and “heavens to betsy”.

had an affair with her married piano teacher and he’s now facing a custody battle and his wife is leaving him and tessa has completely internalised that guilt despite her being the victim in the scenario

aesthetics: paint splattered jeans, loose curls spilling from a scrunchie, thrifted blouses in bright yellow, guzzling coffee in the library at three am when a term paper’s due, shoddily illustrated campaign posters to save endangered species, polaroids plastered to your bedroom walls with scribbled dates on the frames, jumping into a stack of autumn leaves, jumping off piers in the summer months and stripping off your wet clothes on the beach, digging your thumbs into peaches to leave a bruise, smoking with the extractor fan on to hide the smell, bath bombs, letting the girls at lush rub samples all over your skin, cacti with knitted bobble hats, decorative pillows and sun and moon blanket throws, basic bitch fairy lights hanging from every single window, painting the name of the boys you’ve loved inside your wardrobe door.

studies fine art and philosophy, and wants to become either a lecturer or the first woman president. vibe wise, very similar to leslie knope, missy from big mouth, and basically the naive everygirl with a high opinion of themselves trope

gets drunk off like one double vodka lemonade because she’s small and she’s a pretty messy wild drunk. it’s when slutty tessa comes out, and the next day she’ll thoroughly regret every choice made and decide she’s never drinking again and cutting out all men and starting daily sudoko

on the cheerleading team and is a flyer, which she sees as a HUGE responsibility and she works really hard to make sure she’s on it for her team. one of those get up at 7am and go to the gym before school types its sickening

she had a really traumatic time at high school because there was a shooting in her school. she was in the next classroom when it happened, and she lost one of her friends in the shooting. she had to take two months off school, was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants because of it. in her 2nd year of uni she was rediagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, which she’s now on medication for. she can be really good for several months at a time and feel super creative and determined (she actually finds manic periods helpful for her creativity n art, n sadly sometimes doesn’t take her meds in these periods to push herself more which is obvs super bad.....). but when the bad periods come they can also last months n she had to take a semester out of school last year because of her mood, so she should be a senior by now but she’s retaking junior year

she attends weekly stress-management sessions prescribed by her doctor which she finds pointless.

very childish in the sense that she can only see her own point of view and kind of views herself as the “protagonist” and thinks her ideas are super important and life changing and she IS Destined for Greatness! despite being pretty much average af

pinterest board.

STATS

age: 22

height: 5'2"

positive traits: kind-hearted, gregarious, selfless, philosophical, open minded, idealistic, courageous, feisty, charismatic, loyal, adventurous.

negative traits: stubborn, hot-headed, reticent, escapist, self-destructive, easily led, naive, troubled, complicated, stepford smiler, envious, overdramatic, explosive.

distinguishing Marks: heart-shaped birthmark on the right of her chest, splattering of freckles across the cheeks during summer months, full lips, large eyes, porcelain features, long wavy hair, tattoo of a bird and a cage on her ankles and a basic bitch arrow tat on her wrist (srry to anyone with an arrow tat).

skills: jack-of-all-trades, talented pianist, perceptive, knows the correct way to throw a punch, good survival instinct, is able to remain calm in stressful situations, endures, artistic, excels in academic studies, hard-working and self-motivated, expert liar and talented actress.

likes: wolves, vintage thrift store fashion, old leather-bound books, left-wing democratic politics, cigarettes, poetry, John Hughes movies, cold coffee, hot tea, the sound of laughter, staying up til 4am having deep conversations, Tchaikovsky, having deep conversations about life, stationary, DC Comics, horoscopes, winged eyeliner, cats, knee-high socks, house music, abandoned buildings, studio ghibli, the smell of the earth after rain, Wes Anderson films, herbal tea, old people, solitude, esoteric things, the smell of freshly baked bread, Charles Bukowski, the moon.

fears: death, oblivion, global warming, losing those she loves, isolation, clowns, guns, enclosed spaces.

nicknames: Tess, T-Dog, Tessie, Socrates, Princess, Sunshine Girl, Florence Nightingale.

alignment: Neutral Good

MBTI type: INFP

BIOGRAPHY

tw school shooting

Her story begins with Cordelia Costello, a twenty-three year old college drop-out, turned beautician, turned columnist, turned intern at a local publishing company. She was a youthful, beautiful, siren of a women, always surrounded by an aura of enigma and an entourage of men. It was no surprise to the gossips in the office that within six months working at the company, Cordelia had added to her list another title – mistress to Franklin Hozier, the Editor of the New York Times. After two blissful months and three hundred and twenty seven orgasms, Cordelia decided she wanted a baby. Franklin laughed in her face. Feeling isolated and used, Cordelia continued her affair with her boss’ boss for another month, before deciding to take matters into her own hands.

It started with a turkey baster.

Soon the infant cries of a baby girl graced the world, her wrinkled skin puckered and pink as her mother held her in her arms, glancing upon the most beautiful thing in her life. Once Tessa, named after Cordelia’s favourite literary heroine, entered the world, Franklin left her life and things took a turn for the better. Despite living in a rented one-bedroom apartment in Staten Island, on what little money Cordelia had saved, Tessa’s childhood years were filled with nothing but the happiest of memories. Times were tough, but what they lacked in money, the Costello’s made up in love. While Tessa was at school, Cordelia did odd jobs cleaning, child-minding, working in local nurseries, in order to save up enough money to give her daughter the best start in life.

Despite what she had been led to believe by television shows and teen movies, the first few years of High School were some of the best years of her life. Tessa threw herself into a multitude of activities that High School offered her, including the drama club, the orchestra, choir, badminton and the school newspaper. While she certainly wasn’t considered ‘popular’ at school, Tess had a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. In fact, High School was a place where she made some of the greatest memories of her life, but come her final year, it was also a place where she was haunted by some of her worst.

On the January 17th of Tessa’s senior year of high school, a shooting took place in Westville High School. For two hours Tessa locked herself in a supply cupboard, her head between her knees as she tried to stay silent despite the screams of horror from the corridor. Eighteen students were caught in the crossfire, two of which were Tessa’s best friends. Bouquets of flowers, laminated photographs, Teddy Bears in cling-film bags attached to balloons littered the streets as families and friends came to pay tribute to the eighteen students withered before they had a chance to bloom.

It took two months of therapy before Tessa could return to school. Some of the survivors could never return due to the horrors that their eyes had laid witness to. Sometimes Tessa felt like a part of her had died with the friends that were stolen from her too soon, but one thought kept her going through: she had survived, she was alive and breathing, and she could not afford to loose a second of the precious time she had been granted on this earth. Despite the nightmares that continued to haunt her each night, Tessa found in the aftermath of the disaster a new sense of motivation. She began applying for scholarships for colleges without her mother’s knowledge, in the hope that her academic success would be enough to carry her through further education. Thankfully, it was, and after three torturous months of waiting Tess was offered an arts scholarship to her dream school, Lockwood University, where she hoped she could finally start to rebuild her life.

THE PRESENT:

Life at university was like a separate world. Students came and went like moths among the whisperings and the tequila and the stars. In this new world, Tessa was exposed for the first time in her life to alcohol, drugs, and the sexual appetites of other students her age – though she politely declined all three. Instead, Tessa threw herself into the vast array of activities in the hope that by distracting herself she could escape the terrible flashbacks that continued to haunt her. Tessa joined the lacrosse team, despite never having played before, and took up cheerleading discovering a new talent; she joined the musical theatre group, and the film club, and even set up her own acapella singing society. But despite how much she tried to throw herself into student life, her past hung around her like a bad smell, and with the added pressure of the Sinking Ships zine, Tess began to feel the weight of her secret tying her down like a pair of shackles around her wrists.

PERSONALITY:

If someone was to describe Tessa in a single word, it would most likely be ‘bubbly’, ‘open-minded’ or ‘sweet’. But they would be wrong – Tessa is not bubbly, or sweet, or stubborn, or hotheaded, or fiesty, or infectious, or any of the things the world see her as, but merely a numb and lonely echo of the gregarious, halcyon girl she once was. Tessa Costello was one of life’s enigmas. No one knew who she was, for to each person she met she wore a different mask – she dripped confidence, or was painfully shy; she was an exhibitionist, or a brooding wallflower; she took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was an actress and the world was her stage, each person she met a different member of the audience in the performance of her life. In truth, Tessa no longer even recognised herself. Insecure, and self-destructive, she tried to hang on to the extroverted, mischievous pieces of herself that everyone had once loved, but day by day it got harder to know what lay in the vacant holes blown through her mind. While she was stubborn and hot-headed, Tessa always saw the best in people, which meant that she was easily led astray. While she had grown up learning to be street smart and astute, she was idealistic and allowed silly fantasies to cloud her mind. By nature, she was passionate, which lead her to misimagine and romanticise those she met. Despite the hell she had witnessed, and the anxiety that feasted upon her, she believed that people were innately good and that to have courage and be kind could cure anyone of their sadness – yet she was unable to cure herself.

TWITTER:

@500daysoftessa: i blame disney films and musicals for my high expectations of men

@500daysoftessa: i am in love with the boy who works at starbucks. today i asked for a double latte and he gave me a tripple, which i think is proof that my love is requited. our children will be smart and talented and beautiful.

@500daysoftessa: little known historical fact: pharaohs were burried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

[novae-the-cosplayer]

I hate myself so much rn because:

Im laying in bed, its 4am pst.

Me: *in depth characterization of a rp character named Rosa thatll never see the light of day*

My stupid brain: You did this Mark. You did this to her by introducing Stan and co. First is was a Stan obsession. Next a jimmy obesseion. Then a Sheriff Tribble obsession. Now kiki. And now here she is--4am, thinking of her own character and how the heck shes gonna pull this off. Are you happy now? Shes losing sleep. She cant teach with lack of sleep. She cant function. She's--

Me, peak obsessed 4am caveman brain: ...then Rosa gets on her motorcycle and wheels away like a heckin queen leaving everyone she was talking to confused. She loops back just to give the middle finger to everyone and also to wink at her crush. She then....

My stupid brain:

Are you happy now Mark? She's obsessed so much so that she bought GTA and registered for nopixel at 1:30am in the small hopes that maybe, just maybe, one day she'll be able to let this character of hers see the light even just for 5 minutes before getting kicked. YOU DID THIS BY INTRODUCING HER TO THIS COMMUNITY.

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Im so sorry it truely is 4am amd im tired as heck and I really need to calm my mind cause GTA RP is ALL THAT I CAN THINK ABOUT RN SOMEONE HELP ME SLEEP

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

[one-and-three-sevenths]

21 Questions Tag!

Thank you so much @rogersmeadows for tagging me!!! This has accidentally been sitting in my drafts for ages I’m so sorry lol

nicknames: I dont really have one, the only one who uses it is my mum lmao but “Lou”

zodiac sign: leo  (roger hmu)

height: 5′1.75 !!!! (.75 is very important when ur as smol as me)

hogwarts house: ok ok dont get me STARTED i was a big HP fan as a kid and ALL MY LIFE I was a Gryffindor (this is based off of Pottermore btw) and then I thought, hey I havent taken the test in a couple years, lets try again..... AND I GOT HUFFLEPUFF. I FEEL BETRAYED AND I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS. so tl;dr i’m a gryffindor

last thing i googled: taron egerton as eggsy 

fave musicians: ............ this is a queen blog so i mean???? but gosh my music is all over. I also love people like Conan Gray and Dodie and Hozier, but also stuff like Motley Crue (i do not condone the actual band) and Twenty One Pilots. i also like lots of indie shit. Apart from Queen tho I dont think I could choose favourites.

song stuck in your head: can’t help falling in love by Elvis Presley ... my mum just got back from memphis so theres a lot of Elvis in the house

following: 589! (I also run two other blogs so its not all Queen haha)

followers: 165 here!!! 1,383 on my main:)

do you get asks: almost never tbh!! I get one or two very rarely and they make my heart go !! every time cus i love interacting with you guys

amount of sleep: im currently running on about 7 hours but with no alarm and no commitments I can easily sleep 12+ hours in one go. My schedule is wack so sometimes im not even in bed till like 4am

lucky number: i dont have one!!! i kinda like the number 7, he seems cool

What are you wearing: a grey hoodie from my housing company (they gave them out on move-in day) and a pair of my bf’s boxers lmao comfy lyfe

dream job: i would really love something in the film industry. I thought I wanted to be a cinematographer but after my first year at uni, I’m not sure which exact job I want! but if it could be annything I wanna be a musician (singer).

dream trip: every trip? I think rn I want nothing more than a roadtrip in some hippie fan with my friends from North California to SoCal.

instruments: i sing!!!! I can play guitar, I’m better than beginner for sure but I wouldn’t actually say Im any good. I also play ukulele pretty well:) I used to play piano but I dont anymore. (ask/dm me if you’d like to see something of me playing!!)

languages: english and a small amount of spanish and hungarian!! but very small amounts

favourite songs: hhhhhhhhHhhhhhhHHHHHH these questions make me combust bc i cant come up with accurate answers. my CURRENT faves (as in, right now, it changes basically every day) would be: Close My Eyes by Hey Violet, Son and Daughter by Queen, Drowse by Queen, Guiltless by Dodie ????? idkkkkk

random fact: i have an outie belly button👀 only 10% of the population do! and mine is super rare bc it was caused by an umbilical hernia,,, (tmi??)

aethestic: the sun on your skin, acoustic guitars, dirt under your feet, hand-holding (with everyone), vanilla, building fairy gardens, drunken karaoke, candid Polaroid’s, cat eyes, dancing in your room, colour coded notes, cry laughing, dirty boots, afternoon naps, losing your voice at a concert, summer sunsets, losing your friends at a party, denim jackets, fairy lights, pillow forts, tattoos, short skirts, getting lost in the woods, London buses, loud music

I am tagging @cool--cats and @im-addicted-to-queen !!!

[starrysence]

Javid headcanons? Ps I love your writing!!

oooooo javid havent written for these boys in a WHILE. and thank you anon!!! thats really sweet of you to say !! :)

●ok guys you should know i love dad friend jack kelly with all my heart. he just seems like he'd be so great w/ all the boys y'know???▪this boy is an absolute disaster when it comes to taking care of himself tho▪at 4am davey is just straight-up concerned "jack why arent you asleep yet"▪"sorry i was about to go to sleep but one of the kids had a nightmare"▪also hes literally ready to Fight anyone who even looks at one of the boys the wrong way●modern day jack babysits You Cant Change My Mind▪hear me out tho davey's parents know medda and medda 100% recommends jack as a babysitter if they ever need one ▪and sometimes davey is tutoring kids so they do have jack babysit les (whos very stubborn at first bc "im responsible!!!! i dont need no babysitter!!" but warms up to jack rlly quickly)▪one time davey comes home early and sees les and jack howling with laughter over lord knows what and his heart just kinda??? "ashdbchzjs" y'know?▪"oh hey dave les was just telling me about that time you tripped in the band room and fell into a bass drum"▪"he was telling you WHAT"●the generic snow hc all of u shouldve seen coming: jack loves the snow and everything but davey Does Not▪probably bc davey gets sick so easily in the winter ▪he has to admit tho,, jack looks gorgeous in the snow (buckle up its gettin gay)▪sometimes he'll really just be staring at jack and jack doesnt? realise??? for the longest time?▪but then davey decides to throw a snowball at him and shit gets WILD▪theyre both shuddering by the time they get back inside but it was worth it ● yall these two absolutely love movie nights▪disney movies tho?? and cheesy rom coms??? yes. sign them UP▪they almost never get through the movie tho bc they always end up making out oops▪but sometimes they REALLY want to watch the movie and get through it and so they go full out▪BLANKETS and FOOD▪oh my god theres so much food●jack is like? a really physical person?? hes literally never afraid to make physical contact with anybody its basically a natural reflex for him▪davey discovers this when they start hanging out▪jack is like?? always touching daveys arm or tracing shapes somewhere on his body or resting his head on davey's shoulder▪davey knows its nothing big to jack but it always makes him blush so hard hes so mad at himself for it▪jack is such an idiot it takes him MONTHS to notice▪even when he does▪"???? dave ur face is really red are you okay?"▪davey is about to burst bc jack is SUCH an idiot but also? cute?? so cute ●whenever davey is sick jack is at his side basically 24/7▪"jackie its a cold not a 100-degree fever"▪"shhhhhh lemme take care of you"▪he'll give davey like every blanket he can find and make him soup and everything ▪davey honestly thinks its unnecessary but sweet▪jack thinks it is totally necessary and simply a way to show that hes a Good Boyfriend (like davey didnt know that already ,,,,)●jack uses a lot of pet names??? it drives davey wild▪"baby" he loses his mind▪"sugar" his heart bursts▪"sweetheart" hes dying ▪even when jack is just tired and calls him "dave" hes practically swooning▪it takes jack so long to realise but he ABSOLUTELY uses it to his advantage once he does lmao▪you uh.... interpret that last part however you want to●sometimes they have really intense arguments over fairly small things▪like one time jack hurt himself really bad in the kitchen on accident and kept trying to tell davey he could clean himself up▪he ended up having to yell rlly loud to get his point across??▪and they couldnt talk to each other a little while after that ▪maybe like a half hour?? but they made up●les jacobs is the ultimate wingman bitches▪ok literally one time when jack is babysitting hes like "you really like my brother a lot dont you??"▪theyre like watching a movie and eating snacks and jack nearly chokes▪"w ha t"▪"its ok he likes you too, you guys should go on a date sometime"▪"W H A T"▪needless to say davey is VERY confused when he comes home to les looking smug as heck and jack staring at him w/ wide eyes●DAVEY PROPOSES SHHH▪its around their 5th or 6th anniversary?? and jack os like "i think it would be really nice to be a jacobs one day"▪was it a hint? was it not? davey didnt know for sure but he decided to take it as one since theyre literally like a month away from their anniversary lol▪so its really sweet???? davey does manage to get his whole lil speech out without crying so much he has to stop▪but lets be real theyre both in tears by the time jack says yes

×××

i really.. dont know how i feel about these and im sorry if they suck )): its been a weird week lol

-sanj 💕

tag list:

@but-let-us-seize-the-day​

@one-candy-cane-please​

@suddenly-im-respecsable​

@intoomanyfandomstopickaname​

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen​

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@bencookisagod​

@well-the-kids-do-too​

@auspicioustarantula​

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn​

@have-we-got-news-for-you​

@not-a-scab​

@newsiesgarbage​

@pineappapizza

@andthewoildwillknow​

@concrete--donuts​

@stopthe-presses​

@thomasbeingthomas

@i-love-loki-and-sherlock

@maxvanna

@spot-me50-papes

[if you want to be added to my tag list, please shoot me an ask or a message letting me know! i’d be happy to add you!]

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece