#it's. actually more than i can afford. it really is.

[furrama]

Oh. That's probably healthier than what I've been doing.

See, the monkey that drives my brain is smart enough to know when I'm trying to trick it. So what I have to do to keep the dishes clean and the kids fed is hit the monkey on the back of the head until it passes out, which starts an autopilot system that the real me can steer kinda sorta. While looking through frosted glass several feet away from the controls, steering with a long stick.

So what's actually happening is I'm disassociating so hard in the vicinity of a task with a basic note to do the task. Like I'm running in basic boot up mode. It does work! My house is clean!

HOWEVER there's a catch.

Doing this too often will enrage the monkey. It will crash the whole system out of spite (severe burnout the likes of which I hope you'll never know). Trying to use autopilot in this state will make everything way way worse.

I don't have an answer to this problem and can't afford therapy (and I'd rather not get diagnosed just in case RFK Jr wants to send me upstate to the fruit farm (we don't have time, look it up)).

I really only run into monkey meltdown during holidays or birthdays or events where I am expected to do more work on a timer, or during long periods of time where I'm not able to relax or do anything for myself.

In my older age I'm much more likely to do less and recover more, and that helps, but man. Getting tired of that brain monkey.

One of the most helpful things I've learned to do with ADHD is when I need to start a task, I don't think "I need to do this task" I think "I need to do (first step of task)".

I don't tell myself "I need to wash the dishes piling up in the sink." I tell myself "I need to get the scrub brush and turn on the facuet." That's easy, so I do it and bam, I've started the task.

"I need to brush my teeth" -> "I need to get my toothbrush wet and put toothpaste on it."

"I need to write this essay" -> "I need to pull up the assignment guidelines and open a word doc."

"I need to go to the store." -> "I need to put on my shoes."

Tasks are easily overwhelming when you constantly think about them in their entirety, so picking the most immediate part you need to so and only focusing/doing that helps to get you to start it with less anexity & stress.

[sanguineterrain]

Hi Sanne! Could I please request a Wally x reader where she’s super clumsy and kinda shy so when he flirts with her she gets all flustered and clumsy and Wally thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world? Thank you!

got this request AGES ago and forgot to post. hope you like! I don't know much about wally's personality admittedly except for the few comics I've read with him 🫣

gn!reader. wally makes your body and mouth clumsy. kissing and confessions. drinking.

****

"So what exactly is this again?" Roy asks, peering at his glass.

"It's a mocktail," you say.

"No, I get that, but why is it blue? And sparkly."

"It's supposed to be the ocean," Dick says. "Duh."

"Oh, sure. As usual, I'm the idiot. Never had the creative mind to find worlds in drinks. 'S like I'm drinking a snow globe."

"I can get you something else," you say, laughing.

"No, I like the snowglobe." Roy curls his hands around the glass protectively. "My snowglobe."

The team's decided to try their hand at a trivia night at a local bar. It's gone better than you expected, with only one near-blowup and no glasses thrown. All in all, a good night.

"I would like another daiquiri, please," Donna says, holding up her glass. "These are delicious. What flavor did you say this one was?"

"Passion fruit."

She nods. "Indeed. I'm passionate about this fruit."

"Don't get my team too hungover," Dick says, eyes shining and cheeks pink from two drinks.

"I'll do my best," you say.

If only Wally were here, you don't say. He'd be a big help in getting everyone back to the Tower. You have no idea how you're going to manage the Wonder Twins and Garth wobbling all over the sidewalk. Roy, though perfectly sober, will provide zero help, too busy giggling at Dick's lack of motor skills.

You take Donna's glass because she deserves another passion fruit daiquiri if she wants it, darn it. You order that and another two baskets of fries. Dick's got the tab. Everyone's taking advantage.

"Need a hand?"

You turn with the fries cradled in one arm and the daiquiri in your other hand. You don't anticipate Wally to be standing as close as he is.

The baskets go flying.

"Whoa!" he says, darting out to catch the food. He does so perfectly, of course.

"Oh!" Your face goes hot as Wally grins at you.

"Careful," he says. "All those heroes and not a single one came to help you carry the food? They should be ashamed of themselves."

"They're, um, having a good time. It's okay, really." Did you manifest him being here? "I was just thinking about you."

Wally's grin widens. "Oh, yeah? Anything in particular?"

Now, why did you say that? Your tongue just gets so clumsy around him.

"I was—I mean, it wasn't—I was thinking about how helpful it would be if you were here. I was hoping you'd come."

"Well, hope no more! You've got an official superhero on your side."

Wally wriggles the glass out of your hand and gestures for you to go ahead. Now you're carrying nothing. You go, knowing that protesting does no good with Wally.

"Seems like wherever you go, Wally isn't far behind," Roy says, waggling his eyebrows. "You two psychically linked or something?"

Dick and Donna exchange smiles. You look at Wally, mildly mortified by the teasing.

"We're soulmates, actually," Wally says, and that makes your whole body hot. "Wouldn't expect you to understand, Arrow Boy."

"Dude, I'm hurt." Roy clutches his chest. "I thought we were soulmates."

"You wish. Where's Garth?"

"Bathroom," Dick says.

Donna makes grabby hands for the drink. She takes a long sip and gives you a thumbs up. You return it.

"We should play pool!" Dick says.

"No way, you cheat," Roy says.

"I do not! Donna, do I cheat?"

"Physically, Dick doesn't cheat, but he has a long history of psychologically manipulating opponents," Donna says.

Roy snaps his fingers. "Bingo."

"I don't cheat, I'm just that good." Dick smirks. "Anyway, I'm tipsy, so my aim will be off."

Roy rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right. No bets. I can't afford to lose anymore money to you."

"Fine. You two joining us?" Dick asks, looking at you and Wally.

"I don't know how to play pool," you say, a little embarrassed. Working on a team of superheroes, the least you could do is know how to play pool. Pool is obviously a cool people game. Batman probably taught Dick pool when he was, like, eight.

"That's fine, we can teach ya," Roy says.

"No, we suck at teaching," Dick says. "Remember, Roy? Remember how we suck at teaching people? Wally's way better at teaching."

Roy glances at Dick, then at Wally. He nods slowly. "Ah... yeah. Our, uh, shortcomings as teachers—yeah, we suck. Wally, you're up!"

Wally squints at them. "What're you talking about? You guys are better at pool than me."

"Not true! You can calculate physics in your head and shit. Go on. Shoo, fly," Roy says, waving him away.

Wally looks at you, questioning. You shrug, trying to play off how nervous you are at the prospect of being alone with him.

You follow him to one of the pool tables. He takes down a cue stick and gives it to you.

"You really don't have to teach me," you say, suddenly self-conscious. "It's not a big deal."

"I don't mind," he says, smiling. "Plus, what if you're a pool prodigy and we never find out because I never taught you and unlocked your ability? Tragic."

You laugh. He beams. You back up against the table and the wooden edge hits your back. You wince.

"You okay?" he asks, inspecting you.

"Fine." You sigh. "Okay, I'm ready to unlock my special abilities."

"Right on. So you're gonna hold the cue like this."

He puts it in your hands and adjusts your grip.

"Okay, and you're gonna stand like—uh, is it cool if I touch you?"

"Uh-huh," you say, hoping your voice isn't high and breathy.

Wally gently bends you forward and moves your hips so your legs are planted. He's behind you, mouth near your ear.

"Alright," he says, and your whole body goes aflame. He's so close. "So pull back..."

You pull back the cue and promptly elbow Wally in the stomach. He grunts and you drop the stick, mortified.

"Oh my God," you say, spinning around. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. God—"

You dart away, the humiliation too overwhelming. You're making a beeline for the bathroom when Wally appears in front of you. Damn superspeed.

"Hey, hey," he says, hands on your shoulders. "I'm okay. Seriously, don't even worry about it!"

"No." You shake your head. "I give up. I'm too uncoordinated for this stuff. There's a reason I'm not out on the field."

"Aw, c'mon, none of that," Wally says, rubbing your arms. "You're a valued member of the team even if you don't go onto the field. What you do is important. You're like our Oracle."

"I've been tripping over my own feet all night," you say, looking down.

No guesses as to why you've been so clumsy. Starts with a W, ends with a Y.

"Well, I'll always be there to catch you," Wally says warmly. "I have great reflexes. It's kinda my thing."

You busy yourself with picking at a loose thread on your shirt, so Wally won't see your response to that.

"I'm still sorry for elbowing you." You cover your face at the memory. "Ugh."

He laughs. "Nah, it's okay, honestly. I'm a tough guy. Put on my own suit and everything."

And now, your mind is inundated with images of Wally in his suit.

He carefully tugs your hands from your face, gaze soft. You're caught off-guard as Wally rubs your knuckles with his thumbs.

"Listen, I..." He glances around as if searching for words. You've never seen Wally at a loss for words. He's usually talking too fast for anyone to keep up. "I don't know if maybe I'm misreading this. I don't think I am. But if I am, feel free to elbow me again."

Your eyes widen. "I would never—"

And quick as anything, Wally leans in and pecks your lips. It's warm, like a shock of electricity. You barely have time to process it.

"Oh," is all you can say.

Wally smiles nervously. "Is that a good oh or a 'I'd like to punch you in the face' oh?"

"I like you," you blurt.

He relaxes into a grin. "Know what? I kind of suspected. Especially after those idiots practically forced us into playing pool. I'm dumb but I'm not that dumb."

"You're not dumb, Wally."

"When it comes to this stuff, I really am. But I'm happy you like me because I really like you. Like, a lot."

"Yeah? Elbows and all?"

Wally laughs, draws you in again for a kiss. "You can elbow me any time, babe."

[cavedraconem]

Local Maximums

A while back I read an opinion piece my a woman who was upset about the state of grocery shopping these days. I can't really disagree with the basic premise that food in NZ is too expensive and this causes a lot of trouble for people who are living paycheck to paycheck. And shopping at the supermarket can be pretty stressful for a variety of reasons!

BUT, when the writer started to describe her shopping process... it was a massive odyssey. Of a Saturday she was dragging herself and her kids through multiple different shops - a Pak n Save, a Countdown, a fruit & veggie shop, maybe even a butcher as well - looking for the cheapest everything to stretch her budget, the particular whatever her husband wanted, the brand of snacks that her autistic child would eat. Of course she was sitting in traffic and fighting for parking and struggling with the kids and navigating trolleys at every single one of these locations. It sounded incredibly stressful! And she was incredibly stressed about it by the time she got home (and so were the kids).

"Surely just buying food shouldn't be this difficult?" she cried. And, well... no, I don't think it should be. Obviously I don't know every detail of this woman's life and I probably have extreme DINK privilege, but the ordeal she tried to pose as relatable seemed to me largely self-inflicted. Some of these issues seem trivially solvable: if you know your kid will only eat one type of snack, why wouldn't you just buy ten boxes at once? Can you plan ahead and click & collect any of these shops so you don't have to drag the kids around the supermarket itself? Can you pop out by yourself on a quiet evening?

And then we get into some more speculative cost-benefit questions that will depend on the exact details. Are the vegetables from the fruit & veggie shop cheaper enough to make up for the petrol you spend driving there? (Petrol is also expensive in my beautiful country.) What value do you really place on your time and stress? Is the money saved or the special thing for your husband really, genuinely worth the effort? If you are doing all of this work to save money, could you instead work a bit more to earn more money instead? Add a couple of extra hours a week onto your contract so you can afford to shop at a nicer supermarket or get groceries delivered, and save that much time or more on the weekend, plus less screaming from your children.

(By the way, I got that last idea from an old flatmate of mine. His philosophy was that it was better for him to work an extra hour every night and get takeaways for dinner than to spend that hour cooking something cheaper but not very good. I would have been more convinced by this [and his related opinions about division of labour] if he hadn't been allowing his PhD student girlfriend to cook him literally three meals a day.)

Anyway, this writer spectacularly failed to make her problems relatable to me, but there probably is something to be learned here. It's about how easy it is to reach a local maximum in your life: where you look at what you're doing and think, this is the best way I could possibly be doing it. But you're wrong! Maybe you've optimised your routine along one axis (e.g. cost) but totally neglected other axes (e.g. time/stress). You're making tradeoffs that you don't realise you're making. Things that you think are non-negotiable might actually be pretty easy to compromise on. It can take an outside perspective and a bit of convincing or experimentation to even realise that other possibilities exist, and maybe some of them are even better than what you're doing now.

So, in the end it's a good reminder to me to question my routines and ask whether I've trapped myself in any local maximums. What is stressing me out now that could be easier? Does everyone else have so much trouble with this? What opportunities am I missing? Surely it shouldn't be this difficult?

[pagegirlintraining]

Sunday snippet

As long as I can still actually call it a Sunday snippet, here’s a tiny bit of chapter 5.

“Wise as ever”, Simon therefore said, and what could’ve been a teasing remark was softened by the note of fondness in his voice, along with the way he reached up to cover Karim’s hand with his own. “What would I do without you?”

“Cook your own bolognese, probably”, was Karim’s deadpan reply. He did lean right in to kiss Simon’s temple, though, so Simon chose to refrain from shoving him this time.

“Speaking of which”, he continued, turning back to his sauce again, “There’s an apartment sighting on the fifteenth that Jonas offered to get us into. It’s in Söder and actually affordable if we combine earnings.”

Simon should’ve really started preparing himself better for these whiplash moments, because once again it felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, leaving him disoriented and faintly nauseous.

Of course, he knew they’d talked about this, and Simon from three weeks ago would’ve been excited about this development. Present Simon, however, resented the way he felt his throat tighten at the prospect of not being able to have Wille over whenever he wanted. Or, well, he could probably still have him over fairly often, but not in the way he wanted to more often than not lately.

[rohirric-hunter]

Okay so this sent me down a several days long research rabbit hole that was actually really fascinating, but the TL;DR is that yes, Subway's bread is legally considered a confection in Ireland for tax purposes.

The statement in and of itself suggests that this was some kind of health concern, but actually nothing could be further from the truth. In Ireland, bread is a tax-exempt staple food. (As opposed to the US, where almost all food is tax-exempt.) However, the legal definition of bread for this law is a baked good where sugar, fat, and improver combined cannot exceed 2% of the weight of the flour. Subway's bread was found to have some combination of sugar, fat, and imrpover that equals almost 10%.

Thing is, the whole wheat sandwich bread in my kitchen is a little over 8% sugar (not counting fat, which I couldn't be assed to do the math for, or or improver, which I can't calculate from the nutrition label). My hot dog buns are 9.5% sugar. Most likely, Subway's bread has a lower sugar+fat percentage than the basic bread I bought from the grocery store.

Now, I don't know if this is a case of bread being very different in Ireland than in the U.S., the bureaucrats who wrote the law not actually knowing how bread is made, or something else. It's my suspicion that the people who wrote the law did not actually want bread to be tax exempt and thus defined "bread" in an incredibly narrow way so that almost nothing would actually qualify for the exemption -- much as certain jurisdictions in the U.S. have extremely stringent lists of what food does and does not qualify for food stamps because the politicians who make the rules surrounding their use don't want to fork up for stuff that's, like, actually nice to eat.

Anyway, this was a fascinating rabbit hole and I think a really good example as to why headlines don't tell the full story, and also the legal classification of something doesn't always reflect reality. After all, in the U.S. honey is considered a type of meat. Legally.

Also for the record this post was in no way an invitation to dispute my description of a Subway sandwich as "reasonably healthy." It has a carbs, a protein, and a vegetable, which should be present in every meal but which is actually pretty difficult to balance, especially with the cost of produce and meat. Obviously there are more healthy options out there, but when you're comparing it to what I can usually afford to eat, which is ramen cups, it's insanely healthy. And I'm definitely not alone in that.

Subway really shot themselves in the foot with all the marketing they pushed for the Five Dollar Footlong way back in the day because it worked so well. The concept of a Five Dollar Footlong is so worked into my psyche even as an adult. I still remember the stupid jingle. So now every time they try to advertise the footlong the only thought in my head is, "Not five dollars, though, is it, Subway?" I saw an ad the other day for a $6.99 footlong and like objectively speaking that's not a bad price for the amount of food in a footlong sandwich, already prepped, reasonably healthy, and ready to go. But it's not five dollars, though, is it? It's less that I can get a sandwich for at any of the other sandwich shops in the area, and a bigger sandwich. But! It's not five dollars, though, is it?

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

Understanding Tolkien Legendarium: A Mythology of its Own

Canon vs. Legendarium

On several of his letters, Tolkien uses the expressions “my myth”, “my mythology”, “mythological-theological”, “mythological world” and “a monotheistic but sub-creational [literary] mythology” (Letter 181) to describe his world-building:

I am interested in mythological 'invention', and the mystery of literary creation (or sub-creation as I have elsewhere called it) and I am the most readily available corpus vile for experiment or observation. Tolkien Letter 180

Dr. Corey Olsen, an American Professor, who specializes in Medieval literature and on Tolkien studies, recently made headlines because of his affirmation: “First thing to specify is that there’s no such thing really as canon in Tolkien.” Precisely because there’s a legendarium (or "lore"), and it's organic and ever involving, allowing for multiple interpretations within it.

This statement enraged many in the Tolkien fandom, who promptly accused Dr. Olsen of “selling out” and “lying” on Amazon’s behalf. Because, of course, some random people on-line think they know better than a college professor with a PhD in medieval literature from Columbia University (2003), and a prolific academic career. To advance Tolkien research and make it accessible “to the masses” Dr. Olsen started a website on 2007, a podcast on 2009, and founded the Mythgard Institute in 2011. 

May I say that all this is 'mythical', and not any kind of new religion or vision. As far as I know it is merely an imaginative invention, to express, in the only way I can, some of my (dim) apprehensions of the world. [...] I have, I suppose, constructed an imaginary time, but kept my feet on my own mother-earth for place […] Middle earth is [...] not my own invention. It is a modernization or alteration (N[ew] E[nglish] Dictionary] 'a perversion') of an old word for the inhabited world of Men […] I imagine the gap to be about 6000 years: that is we are now at the end of the Fifth Age, if the Ages were of about the same length as S.A. and T.A. But they have, I think, quickened; and I imagine we are actually at the end of the Sixth Age, or in the Seventh. between ice of the North and the fire of the South. [...] Many reviewers seem to assume that Middle-earth is another planet! […] I have deliberately written a tale, which is built on or out of certain 'religious' ideas, but is not an allegory of them (or anything else), and does not mention them overtly, still less preach them [...] But I might say that if the tale is 'about' anything (other than itself) […] t is mainly concerned with Death, and Immortality; and the 'escapes': serial longevity, and hoarding memory. Tolkien Letter 211

The denial of a “canon” doesn’t mean everything is fair game, mind you. There’s still a legendarium, and while, yes, it allows for different interpretations (or “playing around” as Dr. Olsen puts it) they still need to be aligned with Tolkien lore; follow the themes Tolkien embodied on his world-building and work. Tolkien created a living mythology, yes, but these are still his characters, his story and his world.

The adaptations of Tolkien work can afford to play with the legendarium if they keep the core message, themes and symbolism, and this is what Peter Jackson did, and what “Rings of Power” is doing; the latter more successfully, actually, because Peter Jackson delivered a very wholly evil vs. wholly good type of story, when Tolkien himself rejected this notion (Letter 183): In my story I do not deal in Absolute Evil. I do not think there is such a thing, since that is Zero. I do not think that at any rate any 'rational being' is wholly evil.

A Myth not an Allegory

The fastest way to misunderstand Tolkien is trying to see allegories where they don’t exist. His work is not an allegory for WWI, WWII, industrialization, totalitarianism, nor any other present day or 20th century event. Sauron is not Stalin, the Orcs are not the communists, and Mordor is not the Soviet Union. Nor anything of that sort. Sauron is Sauron, and the Orcs are the Orcs, period. There is no allegory here, and Tolkien himself rejected this idea.

Tolkien expressed his dislike for allegory and denied his work is one several times on his letters: there is no 'allegory', moral, political, or contemporary in the work at all (Letter 181); my story is not an allegory of Atomic power, but of Power (exerted for Domination) (Letter 186); there is no 'symbolism' or conscious allegory in my story (Letter 203); I have no didactic purpose, and no allegorical intent. (I do not like allegory) (Letter 215); I am not naturally attracted (in fact much the reverse) by allegory, mystical or moral (Letter 262).

That there is no allegory does not, of course, say there is no applicability. There always is. And since I have not made the struggle wholly unequivocal: sloth and stupidity among hobbits, pride and [illegible] among Elves, grudge and greed in Dwarf-hearts, and folly and wickedness among the 'Kings of Men', and treachery and power-lust even among the 'Wizards', there is I suppose applicability in my story to present times. But I should say, if asked, the tale is not really about Power and Dominion: that only sets the wheels going; it is about Death and the desire for deathlessness. Tolkien Letter 203

This might indicate that Tolkien doesn’t mind having his work interpreted as theological allegory on occasion (for different sins/vices). However, political messaging is something that, as Tolkien tells us on his Letter 299, is “entirely foreign to [his] thought.” 

Meaning: everyone who tries to imprint political issues (whatever they might be) onto Tolkien legendarium is missing the point, and completely off mark with their interpretations. Over the years, many accused Tolkien of racism arguing the Orcs were meant to symbolize countless non-white peoples. No; if the Orcs would to be any allegory to real life, they would be corrupted/possessed men by the Devil.

On his Letter 131, Tolkien writes about his dislike for “conscious and intentional allegory”, and, once again, states his work is not one. However, he did used “allegorical language” because it’s almost mandatory on myths and fairytales. 

Inspirations

The main inspiration to the legendarium is, evidently, Christian-Catholic theology, since Tolkien was, himself, a devoted Catholic.

“The Lord of the Rings” is of course a fundamentally religious and Catholic work; unconsciously so at first, consciously in the revision […] the religious element is absorbed into the story and the symbolism. Tolkien Letter 142

The struggle between “good” and “evil”, in Tolkien legendarium, is personified by Eru Ilúvatar (“The One”) and Melkor/Morgoth (the source of corruption/evil), and the all other characters must choose (Free-will) with which one to align themselves with. And this is where Tolkien employs allegorical language:

Eru Ilúvatar is the Christian God, and Tolkien himself refers to Him as such on several of his letters: gift of Ilúvatar (God) (Letter 131); denies the existence of God, saying that the One is a mere invention of the jealous Valar of the West (Letter 131); part of the World, which is God's and ultimately good (153); special gifts of God to the Eruhini (Children of the One); 'There is only one 'god': God, Eru Ilúvatar. (Notes on Letter 156).

Melkor/Morgoth is the Christian Devil, the corrupter of God’s creation, and Tolkien calls him “diabolus” (Letters 153), and describing his actions as “satanic”: absolute Satanic rebellion and evil of Morgoth and his satellite Sauron (Letter 156); substituted a Satanist religion with a large temple [devoted to Morgoth] (Letter 156); Satan fell. In my myth Morgoth fell beasts and monsters, and the Unknown (Letter 183); Melkor became the rebel, and the Diabolos of these tales, who disputed the kingdom of Arda with Manwë (Letter 211); the Prime Dark Lord (the Prime sub-creative Rebel) Morgoth (Letter 153). 

The whole of Middle-earth was Morgoth's Ring: A shrine to Morgoth on the Southlands (Rings of Power, 1x05)

What is Sauron’s place in all of this? Sauron is a follower of Morgoth/Satan and his chief agent on Middle-earth (Tolkien Letter 183). He’s a “satanic demon” and a satellite to Morgoth (Letter 156), but “by the end of the Third Age (though actually much weaker than before) he claimed to be Morgoth returned" (Letter 183). Allegorically speaking, Sauron is, in essence, the Devil’s wingman and the head of the Church of Satan.

The Ainur: Valar and Maiar

The Ainur (Valar and Maiar) are not “Catholic saints” in Tolkien legendarium, as many wrongly assume. They are of angelic nature, as Tolkien describes them several times on his letters: the first creations, angelic beings (Letter 156); 'angelic' gods (Letter 159); angelical First-created (Letter 257) and angelic immortals (Letter 325). The Valar are "regents under God" while the Maiar are "of the same order but less power and majesty" (Letter 325).

The Valar's function is to exercise delegated authority in their spheres (of rule and government, not creation, making or re-making). They are 'divine', that is, were originally 'outside' and existed 'before' the making of the world. Their power and wisdom is derived from their Knowledge of the cosmogonical drama, which they perceived first as a drama (that is as in a fashion we perceive a story composed by some-one else), and later as a 'reality' (Letter 131).

'The immediate 'authorities' are the Valar (the Powers or Authorities): the 'gods'. But they are only created spirits – of high angelic order we should say, with their attendant lesser angels – reverend, therefore, but not worshipful; and though potently 'subcreative', and resident on Earth to which they are bound by love, having assisted in its making and ordering, they cannot by their own will alter any fundamental provision.   Tolkien Letter 153 

The Valar are similar to Christian archangels in the sense they can intercede next to Eru (God) on the Faithful’s behalf. This is very much in line with Christian-Catholic tradition: the devotees pray to the archangels (especially to St. Michael the Archangel) to deliver their prayers and pleas to God: the Valar lay down their delegated power and appeal to God, and receive the power and permission to deal with the situation (Letter 131). The Maiar are associated with lower-rank angels, servants to the Valar (archangels).

We are in a time [Third age] when the One God, Eru, is known to exist by the wise, but is not approachable save by or through the Valar, though He is still remembered in (unspoken) prayer by those of Númenórean descent. Tolkien Letter 297

Like Tolkien tells us, the Valar (like the Christian archangels) are worshipful, but they aren’t like the Pagan Gods (Polytheism), because "there is only one God” in Tolkien legendarium, and that's Eru Ilúvatar (Monotheism).

And with this is why Melkor/Morgoth (a Vala), like Lucifer (archangel) is in open rebellion against Eru/God’s authority: it’s a Satanic rebellion like Tolkien describes it, because Melkor wants to usurp Eru’s place as "the God" and "the creator" of the legendarium. But the power of Creation is God’s alone, and, so, Melkor, like the Christian Devil, devoted himself to corrupt it, in every way, shape or form.

But this is where things get misinterpreted, as well, especially when it comes to the Virgin Mary, with many attempting to associate her with the character of Galadriel. There is no Virgin Mary “equivalent” on Tolkien legendarium, nor could ever be. The “Holy Virgin” is the highest Catholic devotion, and Tolkien was not only a devoted Catholic but he lived during the time the Vatican consecrated the Church and the human race to the Immaculate Heart of Mary (1942). Him associating the “Holy Virgin” with a symbolic human character (Elf) is not only absurd, but pure blasphemy, because he describes Galadriel as “penitent”, a repentant sinner: I think it is true that I owe much of this character to Christian and Catholic teaching and imagination about Mary, but actually Galadriel was a penitent (Letter 320).

No Catholic would ever describe the Virgin Mary a “repentant” because that goes against everything Catholics believe ("Mother of God"; “Assumption of Mary”, "Immaculate Conception"; "The Sinlessness of Mary"), and Tolkien himself talks about this on his notes of Letter 212: The Assumption of Mary, the only unfallen person. To Catholics (and other Christian branches), the Virgin Mary was born without the stain of the "Original sin" (The Fall), she's sinlessness because she's the "Mother of God".

When Tolkien talks about the “Christian and Catholic teaching and imagination about Mary” he is talking about Catholic Mariology and Marian devotion in Catholicism (which is a female-centered devotion praticed, mostly, by Catholic women). Which means, Galadriel is not “the Virgin Mary” of the lore; she’s a devotee of the Virgin Mary, and follows the Holy Virgin example as penitence for her former sins in Tolkien legendarium. And this should be obvious to any Catholic or, in my case, anyone who was born and raised in deep Catholic countries.

Children of Ilúvatar: Elves and Men

Elves and Men [are] the Children of God (Letter 156), and they were Eru’s addition to the Design, the Eruhîn [...] The Firstborn (Elves) and the Successors [or Followers] (Men), whom the Valar were forbidden to try and dominate by fear or force (Letter 257).

The Valar played no part on their making, but Elves and Men are “the object of the special desire and love of the gods” (Letter 131), or the ideal material for subjects and slaves, to whom the corrupted as Melkor/Morgoth and his followers (mainly Sauron), wanted to become masters and “gods”, envying the Children, and secretly hating them, in proportion as they became rebels against the One (Letter 212). 

It was because of this pre-occupation with the Children of God that the spirits [Valar and Maiar] so often took the form and likeness of the Children, especially after their appearance. It was thus that Sauron appeared in this shape. It is mythologically supposed that when this shape was 'real', that is a physical actuality in the physical world and not a vision transferred from mind to mind, it took some time to build up. It was then destructible like other physical organisms. But that of course did not destroy the spirit, nor dismiss it from the world to which it was bound until the end. Tolkien Letter 200

Maiar in human form: Olórin (Gandalf) and Mairon (Sauron). As Tolkien tells us, these physical forms are real, and made of flesh. They are not visions these Maiar conjure on the minds of others.

Elves and Men are related and similar races, but partly different, and wholly divergent from the Ainur, like Tolkien tells us in Letter 131. Neither Men or Elves are of “divine nature” nor "higher beings". Immortality and Mortality are special gifts from Eru to His children, and no Vala can alter this pre-destined condition: meaning, the Valar can’t grant immortality to Men, nor make an Elf mortal.

The cases of Lúthien, Túor and Arwen were a direct act from God, because the entering into Men of the Elven-strain is indeed represented as a part of a Divine plan for the ennoblement of the Human Race, from the beginning destined to replace the Elves (Letter 153). 

In Tolkien legendarium, “Men” and “Elves” represent different sides of Human nature, mainly connected to Death (mortality vs. Immortality). Both are rational creatures of Free will in regard to God (Letter 181):

In this mythological world the Elves and Men are in their incarnate forms kindred, but in the relation of their 'spirits' to the world in time represent different 'experiments', each of which has its own natural trend, and weakness.   The Elves represent, as it were, the artistic, aesthetic, and purely scientific aspects of the Humane nature raised to a higher level than is actually seen in Men. That is: they have a devoted love of the physical world, and a desire to observe and understand it for its own sake and as 'other' – sc. as a reality derived from God in the same degree as themselves – not as a material for use or as a power-platform. They also possess a 'subcreational' or artistic faculty of great excellence. They are therefore 'immortal'. Not 'eternally', but to endure with and within the created world, while its story lasts.  When 'killed', by the injury or destruction of their incarnate form, they do not escape from time, but remain in the world, either discarnate, or being re-born. This becomes a great burden as the ages lengthen, especially in a world in which there is malice and destruction [...] Mere change as such is not represented as 'evil': it is the unfolding of the story and to refuse this is of course against the design of God. But the Elvish weakness is in these terms naturally to regret the past, and to become unwilling to face change: as if a man were to hate a very long book still going on, and wished to settle down in a favourite chapter. Hence they fell in a measure to Sauron's deceits: they desired some 'power' over things as they are (which is quite distinct from an), to make their particular will to preservation effective: to arrest change, and keep things always fresh and fair. The 'Three Rings' were 'unsullied', because this object was in a limited way good, it included the healing of the real damages of malice, as well as the mere arrest of change; and the Elves did not desire to dominate other wills, nor to usurp all the world to their particular pleasure. But with the downfall of 'Power' their little efforts at preserving the past fell to bits. There was nothing more in Middle-earth for them, but weariness. So Elrond and Galadriel depart. Gandalf is a special case. He was not the maker or original holder of the Ring – but it was surrendered to him by Círdan, to assist him in his task. Gandalf was returning, his labour and errand finished, to his home, the land of the Valar. The passage over Sea is not Death. The 'mythology' is Elf-centred. According to it there was at first an actual Earthly Paradise, home and realm of the Valar, as a physical part of the earth.  Tolkien Letter 181

In the legendarium, the Elves are representative of the intellectual and artistic-driven humans, more concerned with understanding the world around them than with power itself (safe a few exceptions, of course). However, they desire to stop change and cease the passage and decay of time, wanting things to stay the same forever; and that’s their greatest weakness. And this is visible on their two “Falls” on the legendarium (first in Valinor, and later on Middle-earth). 

Men, on the other hand, are more ambitious and power-driven, and their unacceptance of their own mortality is their greatest weakness, in Tolkien legendarium. Aligned with Christian theology “mortality” was the punishment for “the Fall of Men”, however, Tolkien doesn’t consider it that way because “a divine 'punishment' is also a divine 'gift', if accepted, since its object is ultimate blessing” and a 'mortal' Man has probably [...] a higher if unrevealed destiny than a longeval one (Letter 212). 

Hobbits belong ot the race of Men in the legendarium: the Hobbits are, of course, really meant to be a branch of the specifically human race [...] They are entirely without non-human powers, but are represented as being more in touch with 'nature' (the soil and other living things, plants and animals), and abnormally, for humans, free from ambition or greed of wealth. They are made small (little more than half human stature, but dwindling as the years pass) partly to exhibit the pettiness of man, plain unimaginative parochial man – though not with either the smallness or the savageness of Swift, and mostly to show up, in creatures of very small physical power, the amazing and unexpected heroism of ordinary men 'at a pinch' (Letter 131).

Hobbits were a breed of which the chief physical mark was their stature; and the chief characteristic of their temper was the almost total eradication of any dormant 'spark', only about one per mil had any trace of it [...] hobbit virtues: shrewd sense, generosity, patience and fortitude, and also a strong 'spark' yet unkindled Tolkien Letter 281

Children of Aulë: Dwarves

The Dwarves are called the “Children of Aulë” because this race was created by this Vala as companions, but their existence was allowed by Eru Ilúvatar (the ultimate authority on the legendarium).

This legend is present on “The Silmarillion”, but Tolkien refers to it on his Letter 212: 

Aulë, for instance, one of the Great, in a sense 'fell'; for he so desired to see the Children, that he became impatient and tried to anticipate the will of the Creator. Being the greatest of all craftsmen he tried to make children according to his imperfect knowledge of their kind. When he had made thirteen, God spoke to him in anger, but not without pity: for Aulë had done this thing not out of evil desire to have slaves and subjects of his own, but out of impatient love, desiring children to talk to and teach, sharing with them the praise of Ilúvatar and his great love of the materials of which the world is made.  The One rebuked Aulë, saying that he had tried to usurp the Creator's power; but he could not give independent life to his makings. He had only one life, his own derived from the One, and could at most only distribute it. 'Behold' said the One: 'these creatures of thine have only thy will, and thy movement. Though you have devised a language for them, they can only report to thee thine own thought. This is a mockery of me.'  Then Aulë in grief and repentance humbled himself and asked for pardon. And he said: 'I will destroy these images of my presumption, and wait upon thy will.' And he took a great hammer, raising it to smite the eldest of his images; but it flinched and cowered from him. And as he withheld his stroke, astonished, he heard the laughter of Ilúvatar. 'Do you wonder at this?' he said. 'Behold! thy creatures now live, free from thy will! For I have seen thy humility, and taken pity on your impatience. Thy making I have taken up into my design.'   This is the Elvish legend of the making of the Dwarves; but the Elves report that Ilúvatar said thus also: 'Nonetheless I will not suffer my design to be forestalled: thy children shall not awake before mine own.' And he commanded Aulë to lay the fathers of the Dwarves severally in deep places, each with his mate, save Dúrin the eldest who had none. There they should sleep long, until Ilúvatar bade them awake. Nonetheless there has been for the most part little love between the Dwarves and the children of Ilúvatar. And of the fate that Ilúvatar has set upon the children of Aulë beyond the Circles of the world Elves and men know nothing, and if Dwarves know they do not speak of it. 

The Corrupted: Orcs

On his letters, Tolkien describes the “Orcs” as a “race of 'rational incarnate' creatures, though horribly corrupted”, ruined and twisted by Morgoth/Melkor during the Elder Days, when the Diabolus subjugated and corrupted some of the earliest Elves, before they had ever heard of the 'gods', let alone of God (Letter 153). 

They would be Morgoth's greatest Sins, abuses of his highest privilege, and would be creatures begotten of Sin, and naturally bad. (I nearly wrote 'irredeemably bad'; but that would be going too far. Because by accepting or tolerating their making – necessary to their actual existence – even Orcs would become part of the World, which is God's and ultimately good) [...] I have represented at least the Orcs as pre-existing real beings on whom the Dark Lord has exerted the fullness of his power in remodelling and corrupting them, not making them. That God would 'tolerate' that, seems no worse theology than the toleration of the calculated dehumanizing of Men by tyrants that goes on today.  Tolkien Letter 153 

"Rings of Power" gives a bit of insight on the corruption of the first Elves by Morgoth, in the character of Adar (2x01)

In the chapter “Myths Transformed” of  “Morgoth’s Ring”, we have more insight on the Orcs: the idea of breeding the Orcs came from Melkor, not at first maybe so much for the provision of servants or the infantry of his wars of destruction, as for the defilement of the Children and the blasphemous mockery of the designs of Eru. The details of the accomplishment of this wickedness were, however, left mainly to the subtleties of Sauron. 

In that case the conception in mind of the Orcs may go far back into the night of Melkor’s thought, though the beginning of their actual breeding must await the awakening of Men. When Melkor was made captive, Sauron escaped and lay hid in Middle-earth; and it can in this way be understood how the breeding of the Orcs (no doubt already begun) went on with increasing speed during the age when the Noldor dwelt in Aman;“ 

Morgoth had the idea, and entrusted Sauron with overseeing the breeding of the next generations of Orcs: who reproduce sexually like all “incarnated creatures” in the legendarium; so the "Orc baby" from “Rings of Power” is very much lore accurate:

However, what kind of dark sorcery, twisted sex magic Sauron used to breed more Orcs out of the first Elves corrupted by Morgoth remains a mystery. “Rings of Power” tried to answer this enigma by creating a “father” to the Orcs (Adar) to whom Sauron “gave children”, but this created more weird questions than actual answers. 

Core Themes

The core themes of Tolkien legendarium are: the Fall [of Adam and Eve; of Men], Mortality/Immortality (Death), Machine (magic), and God, from which the others branch: like Free-will, and God’s authority (theological).

Anyway all this stuff* is mainly concerned with Fall, Mortality, and the Machine. With Fall inevitably, and that motive occurs in several modes. With Mortality, especially as it affects art and the creative (or as I should say, sub-creative) desire which seems to have no biological function, and to be apart from the satisfactions of plain ordinary biological life, with which, in our world, it is indeed usually at strife. This desire is at once wedded to a passionate love of the real primary world, and hence filled with the sense of mortality, and yet unsatisfied by it. It has various opportunities of 'Fall'. It may become possessive, clinging to the things made as 'its own', the sub-creator wishes to be the Lord and God of his private creation. He will rebel against the laws of the Creator – especially against mortality. Both of these (alone or together) will lead to the desire for Power, for making the will more quickly effective, – and so to the Machine (or Magic). Tolkien Letter 131

Side note: Tolkien uses the word “stuff” as in its oldest meaning. Probably meant to signify “literature” or “literary work” (meaning from the 1500s). 

Tolkien tells us that “The Fall” [of Adam and Eve], mortality and the machine (“magic” = "power") are connected in his legendarium, as he explains on his letter. In short, it's the lust [The Fall] to "cheat death" [Mortality] that leads his characters to chase power [the Machine], and in doing so, they are rebeling against Eru Ilúvatar (God).

The Elves cheating death by the means of the rings of power: these rings allowed them to stay on Middle-earth instead of returning to Valinor like they were meant to

In "The Lord of the Rings" the conflict is not basically about 'freedom', though that is naturally involved. It is about God, and His sole right to divine honour. The Eldar and the Númenóreans believed in The One, the true God, and held worship of any other person an abomination. Tolkien Letter 183

Rebellion against God's divine honour: folly and blasphemy

Power as a means to immortality

The Fall or corruption; every being (Maiar, Elves, Dwarves and Men) are susceptible to it, due to their own Free will (choice).

I plan on doing a series of posts exploring each one of these themes, separately.

[prismatic-starstuff]

...i get money later tonight

*stares Very Loudly in the direction of mr neil newbon's streamily*

hm...........

[daincrediblegg]

one of these days I will fully articulate an essay on the costume design in the terror (for crozier specifically because I have so many brainworms about it) but it is not this day

[magicisrealandsoismyally]

Have you ever met a trans woman? In real life? Because it feels like you view us the exact same as you view cis men. And I don't blame you for being afraid, you're operating off a lack of information. I'm not saying you're automatically wrong, but I definitely feel like your opinions would be different if you actually knew and made efforts to understand and hear more trans voices.

You have a lot of focus on AMAB and AFAB, but sex isn't a set in stone reality. Plenty of AMABs don't have penises, and plenty of AFABS do. Bottom surgery fully exists, and your argument doesn't consider people who have genuinely, medically modified their sex. Are we going to segregate based on assigned sex at birth? Because that would be transphobia, inherently equating people's sex at birth to what gendered spaces they're allowed within. Are we going to segregate based on current sex? Because now we're checking people's genitals and locking community behind the ability to afford sex reassignment surgeries. At the end of the day, the idea of segregation is flawed and fascist. The patriarchy and elite defines and separates us based on sex as a way to have us at each others throats instead of the real issues.

"any more than 0 women is unacceptable as a sacrifice to validate AMAB identity/feelings"

I need you to understand that this is a transphobic statement. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything. Internalized transphobia is something everyone has, even me. It's our duty as people fighting for a better world to realize that kinda thing. It feels like your idea of being a trans ally is allowing trans men into feminist spaces, but as long as you exclude all trans women, you're still being a transphobe. Being a trans ally isn't just about being nice to trans people or letting some of them into your spaces, it's about accepting their gender identity. You're not a trans ally by treating trans men like cis women and trans women like cis men. You're still assigning social gender to sex at birth. I'm not telling you this to say you're bad, I'm saying this to help you realize that your argument is transphobic.

If we define our society through our fear of other groups based entirely off things that people do not choose, sex, gender, race, cultural group, etc., you are just reinventing fascism. You cannot be free if you still choose to wear the chains. You are not going to become free with the tools of your oppressor. The more you define the world with biological sex, the more the patriarchy wins. Because they also assign traits to people based on biological sex. That's how we ended up like this. Real change comes from destroying their tools, not taking them for ourselves.

Racism, ableism, and sexism are all older than capitalism yes, but they're all products of fear and hatred encouraged by elites to keep people in line, to stop people from uniting against them. Capitalism is another in a long line of power structures using hatred as a tool to stop us from actually uniting against those with power. Trans women are not your enemy. Segregating yourself from us is not going to help you overcome these power structures.

I mean this in the kindest way I can, you are letting fear define your politics. Just like every fascist's supporters have. You are letting fear of a group you do not understand or interact with, define how you treat them. Please, talk to some transfems, it will do you some good. You have an idea of us in your mind that doesn't reflect who we are in the slightest. We are not men. We never have been.

I'm not against creating specific safe spaces if that's necessary, but your entire argument is laced with subtle transmisogyny, and it tells me you're not coming at this from a healthy mindset. Have a great day, and I really hope you can see what I'm seeing upon reflection.

"OP is a terf" is a thought-terminating cliche meant to keep you from questioning the status quo and keep you afraid of being labeled a heretic should you come to your own conclusions about anything.

[frogeyedape]

I am so unbelievably pissed off. FUCK HOAs

Oh, my trash/recycling bin can't be visible except on pickup day? Ok whatever fine I hate you but I can deal with this

Weekly inspections?????? FU FU FU FU FU

SECOND NOTICE ALSO WE'RE CHARGING YOU MONEY TO SEND YOU CERTIFIED MAIL OF THIS TOTALLY LEGIT TOTALLY SECOND NOTICE OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY A VIOLATION cue me: checks notes. Hmm. My recycling bin was. on the curb. on recycling pickup day. You know. The day it has to be out. The day it is motherfucking ALLOWED TO BE FUCKING OUT AND VISIBLE.

so. 1) not a violation

I have sent them the trash AND recycling pickup schedules, which are DIFFERENT, btw

I have disputed the fact of the violation

I have disputed the linking of this "violation" to a previous violation MONTHS AGO--their "first notice" in this case was a "Courtesy Notice" LITERALLY 5 MONTHS AGO and they've done so many inspections since then and my bin CLEARLY WASN'T OUT IN THOSE INTERVENING MONTHS so WTMFH

So I am posting like a crazy person here instead of sending the absolutely deranged email I almost sent (I did send a slightly less deranged version with the disputes, and requesting a hearing)

OMG. It has been. Less than one hour since I learned this fun fun news. My bin was out YESTERDAY, y'all. YESTERDAY. I am going to blow a gasket

[bookinit02]

thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah

[grayve-mistake]

It's good to know how to protect yourself, but I agree that a lot of people take it way too far. I think the best general rule is; Like the first person said, highly populated areas during the day are generally safest for the first few dates. Cafe, movie, restaurant, picnic at the park, whatever suits you. As long as there's cameras and people and it's not the middle of the night. Shoot someone a text about where you are if it makes you more comfortable but it's generally not necessary to be too stressed about it. NEVER go to a bar or a club with a guy/date without telling anyone. Yes, even if you're gay, mlm and wlw dates aren't always safe either. Tell people where you are and when you plan on coming home, don't take your eyes off your drink. Common sense. Never go to a house or secluded location unless you know the person REALLY really well. Shoot someone a text letting them know where you are beforehand. If you get a bad gut feeling to the point where you feel the need to use a million extra security measures, just listen to your feelings, make an excuse, say "sorry i have to go, thanks for your time", and politely leave. Don't try to push through it or make it work if you're getting a bad vibe. Just end the date early, don't bother with a million extra paranoid measures. You're better off just going home if you feel unsafe. If you think someone's following you home, drive around a block a few times to confirm they're actually following you, then drive towards a police station. Usually they'll back off.

You don't need a million self defense devices and gadgets. Learn some basic maneuvers, keep one or two REASONABLE self defense tools at most if necessary. You only really need any of this stuff if you're walking home alone at night a lot. You don't need a million alarms and locks in your house either, they're probably more dangerous than whatever threat you're trying to protect yourself from. Simple latches on your doors and windows will usually do just fine, especially if you're not in a high-crime area (most of the women posting their elaborate security systems online, nay, the only people that can AFFORD elaborate security are white people in a nice little middle class neighborhood with white picket fences. They have nothing to be scared of). You don't need 50 guns, you don't need a husband with you 24/7, most of you don't need 10 alarms or 100 different locks on your door and barricaded windows that'll be real inconvenient when you're in a housefire or a more realistic emergency. Let loose a little. enjoy your life. Go on a cute date without checking your phone 80 times. Live in the moment for a change. It's ok. A while ago I had to walk a mile in the dark after a long shift at work. I share transportation with someone and I live too far away to just walk home, but they had the car, and we worked in the same town so I thought I'd just walk over and ask for the keys instead of waiting around for the next few hours for them to get off their late night shift. The sun went down before I left, it was quiet, dark, and there were lots of run down houses. I passed by a few strangers on the way there. You wanna know what happened? Nothing. Well, my legs were tired and I got a few stickers stuck to my shoes. But other than that, nothing. Did I have the means to defend myself if I had to? Yeah. I keep a couple practical things on me just-in-case. But I've never needed them, and hopefully I never will.

You know the most dangerous thing I encountered on that walk? The lack of fucking sidewalks and crosswalks. Had to strategically dart across some very busy roads and watched a guy slam on his brakes past the white line because he was going to run a red light until he saw me step forward a bit. The danger was not the random guy or two I saw walking around, probably in a similar situation as me, and minding their business. If you want to make your city safer, advocate for better walkability or public transit, lmao.



i'm sorry the self-victimization of some women i see online is crazyyyyy, they're saying shit like "yeah being a woman is so crazy, if you go on a date you have to text his full name and picture to your friend, and also where you're meeting, and share your location throughout the date, and check in hourly" girl the only safety measure you need is meeting in a populated place. that man is NOT going to kidnap you from Popular Cafe on Well-Frequented Street in broad daylight at 2pm. i promise. do you go forest hiking as a first date or what the fuck.

[fredoesque]

the way franklin has silna's father's body disposed of in ep 3 is a really fascinating indication of how the english see the inuit to me.

because yeah, obviously it's incredibly disrespectful in ignoring the man's own burial traditions and even from an entirely english pov as a way to "bury" someone. but on top of that i find it very telling that they felt it was their place to bury him at all--if they truly didn't think he was worth the trouble, why not just give his body to silna?

they must have felt on some level they had a claim to his body and, perhaps in their seeing themselves as a last outpost of civilization, a duty to make sure it was taken care of. even though they clearly didn't care one bit about the man they were actually burying.

this moment is one of a few in the show where the english seem to assume, entirely without question, that they have authority over the arctic and the people in it. that just by virtue of being english they are naturally and immediately the highest (worldly) power present. which obviously betrays a deeply imperialistic worldview.

and in showing that insidious assumption of authority in interaction with more baldly racist disrespect and disregard towards a netsilik person, i feel this moments highlights the twofold superiority the english feel over the inuit: both as having an exclusive claim to power and as having an exclusive claim to personhood

[kindaeccentric]

Why do I feel like a lot of criticism of OFMD here is widely exaggerated and it became trendy to hate on it? What happened to death of cringe?

[the-tenth-arcanum]

why am I already stressing about the time I'll have to move out. girl you only just bought a wardrobe. chill

[milkweedman]

forcing myself to "eat protein" and "be responsible" after once again encountering a week long period of all my muscles hurt so bad and are so weak despite doing the same thing they always do assuming without checking that it was probably because im eating mostly coffee and plain untoasted bread in small quantities. and its not even a whey bread or 100% whole wheat, ive been trying to use up my bread flour/whole wheat blend (i dumped them in the bucket together, maybe on accident ? unclear) so its just that with whatever else i threw in. spent $6 on the only yogurt in the store that had at least 5 grams of protein per 1/4 cup, which is still very little, only to get home and finally google what the symptoms of protein deficiency are. they are not that. those are the symptoms of Who Fucking Knows, As Always