#it's very painful for everyone involved
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OMG I LOVE IT!!
Also, not mine.
one thing to know about me is that I will combine every interest of mine with kingdom hearts
#stranger things#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie#wow OP your mind#these are amazing thanks#I'm going to be thinking about this art for the rest of my life#so I guess if we go with popular Kas!Eddie hcs and fic#that actually makes Eddie the riku of this verse#Steve Harrington is so much grumpier than sora#instead of hunting princesses of heart or whatever he's on a world exploring quest to track down his hooligans#he starts with Dustin#and the two of them are traversing worlds to collect the rest of the party#he picks up Robin first and she's Steve's only consistent companion#ah shit I'm thinking about this too hard now#eddie is from the same world as Steve but they weren't close before darkness swallowed Hawkins#I think to parallel s4 nicely that means Max is the one they're all trying to save#Henry/Vecna has been trying to possess will and Max#while El tries to actually fight him#she's perhaps a parallel to king mickey as far as power level and effectiveness against the darkness#eddie is also trying to look after his little hellfire recruits and his neighbor max so there's a little bit of fun rivalry with Steve#at first they're both just having a friendly competition over looking after their little bastard children#eventually eddie takes a hit for Dustin#and gets turned into a heartless/nobody/etc.#it's very painful for everyone involved#bonus points for Eddie's heart betting locked in Dustin or Steve like Kairi's heart with sora#fuck I'm too invested#I need someone to actually do an AU now#oh wait I'm an idiot#El as namine
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they want to hide their fucking war crimes since they're seeing how much the public opinion has turned against them, so keep talking about palestine❤️🇵🇸
#free palestine#palestine#free gaza#gaza strip#FUCK ISRAEL#get fucked#i hope everyone involved in this genocide dies very painful deaths
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I will admit I hate the trend towards measuring how Healthy fictional relationships are. they're not breakfast cereals! we don't need to measure the amount of fiber! even if it did matter how much fiber a fictional relationship has "healthy" is also a very general, vibes-based word for concepts that I think we probably should get more specific about
#here are some great words: 'consensual' 'exploitative' 'fulfilling' 'draining' 'enjoyable' 'painful' 'affectionate'#we can talk about the ways a relationship is or isn't working for the parties involved#without falling back on 'health'#i think that what is considered healthy changes based on the time period and in general as a queer person i do feel a certain hesitance#to just like nod to health without specifying what i mean given the complicated relationship between queerness and#being considered unwell or unhealthy by society/doctors/psychiatry#ultimately this is a small thing and doesn't matter because once again#if everyone in a work of fiction stayed physically and mentally healthy throughout that would be a very boring story. to me#it's just not the type of story i like so it doesn't matter anyway it's just#sometimes i'm like. but we all know there is no one simple standard for health right? right??
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Riz would kill the other Bad Kids in a heartbeat for any reason (possession, evil, etc) and it’s considered (one of) his form(s) of love this is not a joke post this is canon.
-Fig Mod
#fantasy high#d20#dimension 20#I need to remind everyone that Riz is a knight that is very solemnly doing his job#He puts a gun to Adaines head when she’s reading from a book in the nightmare forest btw#It’s semi a joke but also it’s not and it’s been rattling around in my brain#His lack of social skills aren’t the problem it’s the fact that he doesn’t actually care in a way anyone understands#To him caring is killing or hurting people or doing something terrible like eating someone alive shooting someone’s fingers off biting#An eye out of a man’s head. To him care and love is brutal and unforgiving and gross.#I know I’m over analyzing but man. Riz Gukgak.#Riz Gukgak and love being painful for everyone involved
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on a note to all: my plotting style is something i like to call i have adhd and if i see you on the dash and have an idea chances are i’ll im you about it. i’m an anxious little dude who isn’t always active in a broad scope, and it’s always been my nature to reach out to people. that doesn’t make me even remotely anxious. not even remotely expected to answer me — i totally get it, sometimes you don’t feel the vibe — but a general psa about how i work. i come from the dinosaur era where the only way to communicate with one another on any level was to directly talk to them and frankly i don’t even know how else you’re ever supposed to plot with a person otherwise. like… how do you write if you never talk????
#CLAWS RETRACTED.#[honest to god this isn’t shade at anyone im literally just trying to explain i am never on the dash and when i am i take handfuls of rando#snapshots to send to whoever’s in my scope at that second. which is i know ridiculous but when you’re me and you’re mobile 100% of the time#because the other 75% you’re doing everything for everyone in your life it becomes exceedingly hard to WANT to stare at a laptop screen.#even if im home im 100% mobile most of the time. basically what im saying is: as an rper i will totally drop into your im’s randomly if#something strikes my fancy. if that’s not your bag i totally get it. the plotting call life has never been mine to own. a lot of the time#it’ll be a person likes it and then you reach out and it turns into ‘haha neither of us have an idea’ which then kills the whole thing.#hence why -i- tend to approach especially if you reblog something or wishlist it and it crosses my path. like. im so happy to try almost an#anything someone wants to give a shot so long as you feel like playing ping pong with me about it. I’ve always been an exceedingly social#person because i just… love people. and for a person literally exploding with anxiety… I don’t do anxiety about talking to people. I USED#to long ago until I LITERALLY forced myself to just… not give a fuck. but honestly? do it scared and now it’s just fucking do it. I#apologize in advance if I can be a pain in the ass and if it’s not your dig I comprehend an unfollow. im a very involved and interested#writer and frankly it’s how I keep myself able to enjoy this hobby by not making it too serious. like. sometimes I read someone’s rules and#im like Jesus Christ I would love to remember all of this but my brain only has so much ram. idk when the big invisible book of online#etiquette was written but I must have been sleeping in class for that one.]
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*shaking the narrative*
hey hey heyheyheyheyhey
Hey.
HEY!
My insane theory about Luffy I had at like- the beginning of One Piece isn't TRUE, RIGHT??
we've SEEN his family now!
There is NO WAY he's some sort of Gold Roger clone!
I tossed that crazy theory aside AGES AGO! Before we even met Gaarp! Because there was no evidence cloning existed! I was only half serious about it to begin with!!
*Shakes the narrative harder*
YOU CAN'T JUST INTRODUCE CLONING THIS LATE AND EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT IT!
#em reads one piece#i do NOT want answers btw#I'm enjoying playing with a silly what if#one piece volume 84#i still dont REALLY believe this theory#but its SO FUNNY to think about#like#Gaarp would have had to be involved somehow#imagine him going up to Dragon with a baby Luffy and being like#''you took too long with the grandkid thing so i made my own''#and Dragon being like#''what the FUCK DAD?!''#also Luffy would FREAK#cause it's basically like having Gold Roger as a dad#boy would have NO qualms about the clone part#would skip straight to 'I HAVE TWO DADS!?''#''AND ONE OF THEMS THE KING OF THE PIRATES!''#everyone would try to explain to him that that's not EXACTLY what that means#but he is no longer listening#going straight to Ace's grave to tell him that they have the same dad and isnt that SO COOL!#and reassuring him that he'd make sure that Sabo doesn't feel left out!#cause they're all brothers!#Sabo IS a bit worried about the clone thing#but in a 'what if people invalidate my baby brother's achievements#or worse!#arrest him for Roger's crimes!#sort of way#i am very much having fun imagining this silly alternate world#it distracts from the pain of sanjis whole situation this volume
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It's impossible to describe the experience of watching Total Forgiveness to people, like how do I explain that this is one of the most compelling shows I've ever watched and it's even one of my comfort rewatch shows but also I cannot rewatch a good third of the series because it makes me so viscerally uncomfortable and this would absolutely never be greenlit by the Dropout of today but it's also essential viewing for understanding not only the development of the company but the public personas of many of the key people involved in Dropout. It's funny and then it's painfully dark and then at the last minute it's hopeful and heartwarming again but damn if it isn't raw all the way through. From the crushing pressure of living under late-stage capitalism to the severe toll on personal relationships that the very premise of the show enables. Also there's a jaunty little soundtrack. 11/10 will rewatch again and again. Except the MLM challenge. I am psychologically unable to watch that again for any sum of money on this planet.
#the valley is posting#it's like my favourite rewatch show that i cannot watch a good third of#like the poop challenge is painful and the flea market challenge is like a slow motion tragedy#but something about the mlm challenge is just so viscerally uncomfortable that i cannot rewatch it to this day#and i think a lot of how dropout is today as a company is informed partially by the experience of making this show#obviously i have no inside knowledge on dropout's production practices#but it seems like they're very conscious about the safety and ongoing consent of everyone involved in a production#also total forgiveness showed that they were capable of doing high concept and high budget shows with a stunt and a money element#if you compare game changer s1 and s2 with later seasons (especially post lockdown)#you can see a change in the formula that invests more in the personalities on each episode rather than the novelty of the hook#more targeted episodes designed around specific casts and more game samers to test out potential spinoffs
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the new surii song + mv are soooo very Lizzie to me but in a way that I can't really put into words without going to imagination prison. Awesome mv though really awesome mv I would die for that kaiju kid
#random thoughts#oh the very specific pains of being The Girl in a childhood friend group#the power you hold. The power that is ultimately entirely performative and even as a child#You're aware it's performative but this is the only relationship you can now have with your friends otherwise it's weird#I love it when gender ruins children I love it when nothing will be the same again#In the mv it's fine which is awesome. It's not that /SRS. Slay#Anyway yeah does anyone ever think about Lizzie and her eternal token girl role#Does anyone think about how much of older series were just. Everyone trying to appeal to her#And how as time has passed she's losing that power. However performative it is. Joels wife.#Like obviously a big part of why she's no longer as involved is because of her and Joel's irl internet issues but. It's storytelling to me#Why can't they just be kids frolicking through the fields again.
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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Wanting to look at true crime stuff to learn about psychology and criminal investigation but only finding a bunch of people who idolize and “uwu-ify” serial killers and school shooters 😬 fucking YIKES
#Also: notice how it’s only the young attractive ones that get idolized? Everyone definitely does it because of the looks#I don’t see anyone fawning over Fish or Kemper saying “OOHHHHH THE TRAGIC BACKSTORY” because both of them LOOK terrifying#They just want an edgy twink to project onto and they’re getting their material in the worst fucking place EVER#It’s disrespectful#and DO NOT come at me with “don’t like; don’t read”#It’s not about me not liking it; it’s about the families of the victims constantly being retraumatized#because Netflix and all the big entertainment crime shows know you all eat that shit up#It’s supply and fucking demand#You are demanding; producers supply… romanticize and dramatize…#The news covers the shows; the victims have to hear about it because everyone watches the news. Rinse and repeat.#Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off#Uh… reality affects reality… basically. It’s not fiction (though fiction affects reality differently). These are real people.#You wanna idolize a fucked-up twink? Fine! GET A FICTIONAL CHARACTER; NOT A REAL-LIFE MONSTER#They’re not that deep; most of them just hate their mother and minority groups#or otherwise take advantage of the fact that police don’t care about minority groups so they think they’re so smart for being bigots#that’s not intelligence; that’s being an entitled asshole#Imagine the death of your loved one constantly being shown to the entire world for other people’s profit; you get nothing out of it.#Imagine a very painful part of your private life being TELEVISED FOR YEARS when you’re trying to leave it behind you#I don’t even care when people die; but THAT (as a concept which I have not experienced) pisses me off#Now regarding old cases where everyone involved has been dead for 70+ years? That’s a little different#You still shouldn’t idolize these assholes; but if Netflix wants to make a movie?#Have at it; they’re all dead! The victims’ families can’t be revictimized because the ones alive now didn’t experience it
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completely rhetorical question, I know exactly why they do, but also why do people succumb to pairing star/gale? or rather, how do they? is it not boring, do you not get bored? I cannot imagine being continuously entertained by such a bland pair. wyll is right there, man.
#thoughts about media#no fandom tag lest this breach containment.#I am merely coping with discovering that one of the very few artists I like enjoys that pair.#not to sound pretentious or anything. I simply don't make an effort to keep track of fandom happenings as I used to.#I haven't the time between work. making my own art. the unending pain. and playing video game.#it's better that way anyway. being too involved in a fandom is not good for the mental health.#also I must clarify-- because this is social media and people Love to assume the worst--#I am not heartbroken or anything lmao. I still like the artist. I just do Not get the appeal of that pairing.#and please. do not try and explain to me why you may like it if you do. I've already tried to understand it and I cannot.#star is much better with. well anyone but gale. SH. or the urge.#gale is better with literally anyone other than star.#and wyll is the best because he works wonderfully with everyone and I genuinely like all origin pairs with him.
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Kaeya is rather touch averse, cringing away from casual contact people give him under the guise of being distracted or idle movement. He's used to it, the Ragnvindrs and Adenlinde got him used to frequent affectionate physical contact, but it can still be entirely Uncomfortable if he's touched by someone outside those he is close to or someone he's otherwise Allowed to touch him.
#hc; kaeya#//Mentioned before; but am Elaborating on other aspects since Aven get brain juices flowing for this#//Unlike Aven; he's FAR more tolerable of people who touch him unprompted. & more willing to indulge for himself outside his comfort people#//Unless he himself had actively given the indication he doesn't want it; in that case THEN he's likely to anger & retaliate#//But yeah; his response is usually Discomfort & trying to get away from it one way or another. Can tolerate it to appear friendly; sure#//But would rather not want people to touch him so easily. Is decently okay with brief touches tho; like shoulder pats or the like#//Will actively lean into it & encourage further touching ONLY as a means to an end; adjusting any wandering hands only when going too far#//Esp if he can use that like a carrot on a string–if they concede to what he wants; they can touch him more. Maybe MORE than just that too#//He won't initiate any touch unless he deems it Absolutely Necessary; WILL internally scream if they Immediately reciprocate the contact#//Uses it as a 'reward' sometimes; a little pinch of the cheek; a hug; getting right into their space; if he sees they'll react favorably#//Maybe more if they have connection enough; like Huffman or one of his longer-running liaisons. Is p ok w/ sleeping w/ them as reward#//Sometimes he forgets some people don't like that he does this; like Rosie. Tries the tactic to get a favor then Remembers#//Absolutely apologizes; feels mortified when she scrutinizes him for it. Esp since she'd be one of few ppl who KNOWS just how Averse he is#to it in the first place. Him slipping up like that in front of HER is smth he'd STRESS over. She could hold over his head for all he knows#//How can he even joke abt it? Worse if she asks abt his way of doing things or indicate she doesnt Like that he uses himself as bait#//Has absolutely accidentally tried to seduce/bait sb like that who he absolutely should Not have. Like Jean. Ended up playing it off like#a joke between friends; but damn near had a panic attack from the guilt the moment he was safely in his office. bc Jean is SPECIAL to him#could he treat her like THAT? How could he almost let her SEE that side of him? His casual charm and facade are ONE thing#//But him actively doing something like THAT; esp for Jean of all people; is COMPLETELY off-limits; no matter his feelings#//Actually; especially BC he harbors feelings for her. Ppl like Lisa on the other hand; he is VERY comfortable doing this with/to#//She GETS the flirty habit & dishes it back without losing image of him in the way someone he regards at Jean's level possibly could#//And as far as Lisa knows; it's Only a playful habit; not a means to an end. The ones who prolly Know might be certain folks in the church#//But that's just bc he gets frequent checkups after every lil Rendezvous of his. Which is why he's got dirt on Every Single Person There#//Except Barbara; but he absolutely makes SURE she's not the one he's dealing with whenever he goes. Wants to spare her his messes#//Damn; veered a little but it's alright. 'A little'; HA. Nah; my tags are but the cluttered corkboard of my thoughts jhdbfjdf#//Diluc; Addie & Jean are the people he most Fears finding out abt his methods. Doesnt wanna THINK abt how they'd feel/regard him after tha#//Knows for SURE it'd be painful if the way they treat him changes even a SLIGHT. ESP Addie; he can bear the other two; but Addie???#//Nah; he'd be fucken DEVASTATED. That's the ONE person he knows hold true unwavering unconditional love for him; no matter what#//To do anything to damage that? He'd be so fucken GUTTED. He expects everyone to get fed up with/disdain him at some point. But not HER#//Keeps this shit on the down low by always having dirt on the people he gets Involved with; if not using keeping it up as an incentive
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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been reading a lot about what took chaussette's life trying to find something to blame myself for (don't ask) but i can't find anything. and i know that if i had found something i was responsible for i would have never forgiven myself but knowing there was *nothing* i could do is still fucking horrible. everyone did everything as fast as humanly possible. she died with a kickass team of vets keeping her warm and cosy and pain-free. there was nothing else to do. but god it's still so hard
#tw animal death#sorry about forgetting this tag earlier i was a bit out of it#anyway. she had an invisible heart problem (we checked her heart for every visit) that led to a clot that led to thromboembolism#the full name of that shit is reduced to FATE and i have to say i don't like it#there were very few chances of recovery with very high chances of it happening again#so it's honestly for the best bc she was in so much pain when it started i will never forget it#like. i'm actually lucky i was home when it happened and i took her immediately to the clinic and shit#all things considered. like i didn't have to wait for the bus for fucking ages etc#everyone involved her included did their best that day and i gave her the best life i could#i loved her and she loved me and it's all that matters really#but still. early stages of grief are no joke huh
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Being depressed and going to therapy is really weird because my therapist will say something to me and I'll think "Yeah that checks out !" and 2 days later I'll go "UNLESS...."
#story time#I cut off a friend a couple of months back#My therapist is ON MY ASS about making up with them#And so is a friend#I caved in and said that yeah ok fine but I'm not reaching out#That if they wanted to talk to me then theynre the one who have to reach out#And my friend said something like#Yeah because you're worth doing that for#Or something like that#And frankly ?#I think everyone involved knows that's not the case#And my friend reminded me it's their birthday tomorrow#And now I'm just bummed out all over again#On the plus side#Guizmo's being very cuddly nowadays#Actually that's not a plus side#It's very scary#But she's still a massive pain in the ass so I guess I shouldn't worry
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THE TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION TELLS CHUCK TINGLE TO STAY HOME BUT WE PROVE LOVE ANYWAY
just when you buckaroos thought 2024 would be a break from book drama, here comes chuck tingle in the mix. recently i was asked to be a featured speaker at the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION annual conference. a few days ago they rescinded my invitation. here is what happened.
(EDITED TO ADD THIS LINK. if you have a hard time reading this on way of tumblr you can also read for free on chucks patreon)
i would like to start off by saying it is not my intent to start a fight, and all those reading this should know that the actions of a few misguided folks do not speak for the whole TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION. i am sure there are many involved who will be very upset to learn what others at TLA have done in their name. there are many individuals here, so please do not paint them all as villains in your mind. besides, chuck loves the dang library everyone knows that.
the point of writing this is not to vilify. i am writing this is because MOMENTS OF DARKNESS are the best places to SHINE A LIGHT AND PROVE LOVE IS REAL. this is a perfect time for learning and growing and for us talk on some very important things that queer buckaroos and neurodivergent buckaroos face every day. this is an unfortunate moment that WE can turn around and use to prove love is real.
i am also writing this to understand some of my own personal feelings on the matter. for something that seems very simple on the surface, the trot is complex, and i am still working out my emotions on the whole dang thing. i am learning in this way.
PART ONE: BAG OF LOVE
a few months ago chuck was asked to be a featured speaker at the 2024 TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION ANNUAL CONFERENCE. i have been asked to do things like the before and it is ALWAYS a fun time to meet bookseller and librarian buds. trotting around face to face and talking about my story of conquering chronic pain and overcoming my mental hurdles is VERY IMPORTANT to me. i say YES to these things whenever i can. (here i am with authors at CALIFORNIA INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE conference. they are a WONDERFUL group and they proved love with their OWN invitation to chuck. this was such a moving event with so many amazing authors and stories. got very teared up during this photo)
ANYWAY BUCKAROOS i get the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION invite and say 'YES BUD LETS TROT'. we are then confirmed.
months pass. a few weeks ago i get a call from my manager and agent and publisher saying ‘the TLA have rescinded their invitation.’
turns out some things had been going on behind the scenes
at some point the TLA asked chucks INCREDIBLE HEROIC BAD ASS PUBLISHER if chuck would be okay with not wearing the mask, to which tor/nightfire/macmillan said ‘what the heck are you talking about of course chuck is going to wear his mask. this is how chuck presents himself’ (NOT EXACT QUOTE)
as you all know, my pink bag way is a VERY IMPORTANT SPACE. as an autistic buckaroo it is a boundary that allows me to express myself freely and relieve my chronic pain from neurotypically masking all day. i have talked about this for years, and it is why i consider my private identity a SACRED THING. it is literally a health issue.
fortunately THE PINK BAG is never really a problem when making appearances. i have spent years going on television shows, doing interviews, speaking at other conferences and conventions, hosting book events on tour, and even MEETING WITH LAWYERS in my pink face covering. it is always respected and that is very validating to my way.
when arriving anywhere i always take precautions. i always warn buckaroos ahead of time that there is a masked man coming. i always have someone go in ahead of me JUST IN CASE. again, there has never been an issue. at a big conference where i am a special guest there is ESPECIALLY not an issue because my face and bio are printed IN THE DANG PROGRAM
SOME FUN TIMES AT BIG EVENTS BELOW:
CHUCK ON TV SHOW NAME OF 'AT MIDNIGHT' BACK BEFORE I WROTE LOVE IS REAL ON MY HEAD:
well, there has never been an issue.... UNTIL NOW.
PART TWO: RESCINDED
a few days ago TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION suddenly messaged my publishers and said that chuck tingle is no longer invited. my invitation was rescinded. the reason given was that people could possibly be uncomfortable with my mask
right out of the gate i would like to say this: it is absolutely the right of the texas library association to disinvite someone from their conference. it is their event, after all, and they can ban anyone they would like, for any reason.
of course, that doesnt mean other folks HEARING THIS NEWS wont have their own opinions the TLA choices. if the TLA disinvites someone, their reasoning for doing this can be discussed and analyzed. whether or not they follow their own guidelines can be questioned, and certainly their kindness and tact can be considered
there are a few BIG POINTS to make regarding this choice from the TLA
first and foremost, i just gotta say buckaroos, it is incredibly rude to invite someone to be a guest speaker at your event, have them confirm and mark off their calendar and turn down other offers, then rescind their invitation. this is maybe the simplest of the points, but it is an important one.
second, (DEEP BREATH HERE WE GO BUCKAROOS) i personally do not think of my autism as a disability very often, but i also KNOW that despite these feelings it ABSOLUTELY IS. autism is important to be listed as a recognized disability because of the help some autistic buckaroos need regarding government programs and things like that. ALSO just because my neurodivergence has helped me in some ways (hyperfocus and a unique artistic sensibility for example). i personally need to step back and remember my battle with stress and chronic pain from having to neurotypically mask all the time. for as much as i love being autistic it has made some things very difficult.
in other words, i am perfectly capable of speaking and interacting with folks without this pink bag on my head BUT WHEN I AM IN THE CHUCK TINGLE SPACE I REQUIRE IT. i can ONLY use this space while covering my face. is not a want. it is a need. holding this boundary is more important than i can ever say. i will not, and can not, let these spaces cross.
TLA not letting an autistic author wear the face cover theyve set up to express their neurodivergence in a safe, healthy way is--for lack of a better term--NOT A GOOD LOOK.
i cannot fathom them disinviting another author for using a disability aid. i cannot fathom them saying that a buckaroo who hears better with a hearing device cannot use it during their panel because it would make others 'uncomfortable'.
but here we are.
PART THREE: WHAT DOES A BUCKAROO GOTTA DO TO GET BANNED AROUND HERE?
this is the TLAs official stance on disability issues according to their website:
when poking around on the TLA website i noticed a few other things. i noticed a previous guest speaker wearing a niqab, and i was left wondering if the religious significance is what make that okay but chuck tingle banned. that made sense until i looked deeper and saw mascot buckaroos dressed up on the exhibition floor, and saw some kind of spiderbud in a costume contest. nobody around them seemed to be all that scared. their invitations REMAINED INTACT.
it should be mentioned here that AT ONE POINT during the discussions an email was sent from TLA saying chuck is allowed to come and wear his mask in the exhibition halls and smaller panels, just not at any of the big PAID PANELS i was once supposed to participate on. this was a confusing offer, but their explanation was that people who paid for something should have the option to not see chucks 'scary neurodivergence aid'. i tried to wrap my head around WHY they would make a distinction. maybe the exchange of money (rather than time) causes some kind of philosophical adjustment that i just cant grasp?
i wonder, would the author who wears a niqab ALSO be banned from the paid panels? i hope not
my answers trotted up short until i investigated deeper and found this quick moment from one of the TLA help videos. while some events DO require additional buckaroo cash, it actually appears that THE ENTIRE CONFERENCE IS TICKETED AND COSTS MONEY.
at this point i realized there is clearly no actual official policy about not covering your face (other than one from a few years ago saying that you HAVE to cover your face), and the addition of 'money' is a red herring. these excuses make no sense
PART FOUR: CLOSE THOSE GATES
it appears that my neurodivergence is 'scary' enough to get me uninvited, REGARDLESS what their disability and mask policies may say
BUT WHY? why is chucks preferred physical presentation valued SO little by the TLA that a THEORETICAL complaint is worth more? is my neurodivergent expression so awful? is my own safety as a queer activist such an afterthought?
is a pink bag with the words 'love is real' scrawled across the front REALLY going to frighten someone when the posters and pamphlets on the way into in panel would have a photo of my masked face saying THIS IS LITERALLY WHO IS ABOUT TO APPEAR BEFORE YOU.
if THAT accommodation is too much, would it really be so difficult to have someone trot out beforehand and make an announcement? to say 'there is someone on this upcoming panel who needs a mask to express this part of himself, if this makes you uncomfortable then this panel might not be for you'.
and really, i have to heckin ask, is this physical expression of my raw inner truth really so hideous and frightening that fear of making someone uncomfortable is a REAL problem?
(a terrifying display of autism. apparently)
i cannot imagine what kind of precautions they need to take before a stage play featuring costumes and masks.
you MIGHT think chucks queerness and left leaning politics could be the issue with this organization, but they have had drag queens as past speakers (also featuring some GLORIOUS makeup and hair that covers almost all of their faces. VERY CURIOUS). regardless, the TLA do not seem like a conservative bunch.
if you are bisexual or an autistic person who is good at 'passing' you probably already know where this is headed, your dang spiderbuckaroo senses are tingling at FULL ALERT. i will say i do not KNOW the real reason why i was uninvited, and i do not have enough information to make any concrete statement of the real answer. there is only evidence that masks have been fine at TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION events in the past, but not much else to go on.
so the FACTS part of our discussion ends there, but i think it opens us up to talk about some very important feelings that bisexual and autistic buckaroos know well.
THIS is where we take a unfortunate, hurtful moment and turn it into a discussion. this is where we prove love is real.
as someone who is constantly doubted and put through purity tests because of my unique way, we are pushing up against a subject i know well. thats right buckaroos: we are talking GATEKEEPING
AGAIN, i do not know if this is the answer, but someone in my position might be VERY STRONGLY INCLINED TO THINK that a few well-meaning left leaning buckaroos think i am a joke and that this is a character, and that there is something problematic about my work because i am not really a real person.
any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a neurodivergent buckaroo with an unusual visual presentation, an autistic buckaroo who conquered his chronic pain ONLY by creating this important space... but what about a FAKE autistic buckaroo?
any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a queer LGBTQ activist standing up for gay and trans rights against a torrent of scoundrels hunting for his legal identity. its a matter of safety... but what about a FAKE queer activist?
let me be very clear for the 100th time: i am a real person. this is not a joke. i am not playing a character. i am really autistic and bisexual. tinglers are sincere and they are not ‘so bad theyre good’. they are just good. camp damascus is not ‘my first serious book’ because my queer erotica is serious. my art is important and real.
when people tell me to unmask they often do not know WHY they want it, and of course one very good reason is innocent curiosity. but there are SOME cases where i start to get THAT feeling--that tingle all of us ‘passing’ buckaroos get when we can sense the real intent behind the poking and prodding. that is the feeling of stumbling into a gatekeepers crosshairs.
if i was to take off my pink bag, what about my face would you analyze to tell if i was REALLY queer. my eye color? my ear shape? if you learned my legal name, would you see if it sounded autistic? is my voice neurodivergent enough?
or is all of that utterly absurd? i am curious what the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION thinks.
PART FIVE: GENDERED
this will be the shortest of parts, but it has to be said. i have a very complex relationship with gender, as written about at length here and here. i understand these things can be difficult to parse for some, but i ask that you trust me when i say that the ONLY reason i have been able to talk about my gender and sexuality and learn these things about myself is because of this pink bag. this outward appearance is a direct expression and reflection of my gender journey.
if the texas library association does not care about my appearance as an expression of my autism, then i cant imagine them giving a dang about it as an expression of my gender and queerness. that being said, it is personally very important to me and i think it should be mentioned
PART SIX: SO YOU WANT TO REMOVE AN AUTISTIC QUEER AUTHOR FROM YOUR EVENT BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT FIND THEIR DIFFERENCES SCARY
there is a question to be asked here: how could the TLA have done this correctly?
i have one very big piece of advice i would like to shout from the rooftops. please, for the love of sweet barbara, DO ENOUGH RESEARCH to know if this appearance will be a problem and, IF SO, dont extend an invitation in the first place. unique buckaroos with different presentations are constantly left in this place of limbo because we are bombarded with careless actions like those of the TLA. before you consider extending a branch to an artist who might need more accommodations than usual, think to yourself 'CAN WE MAKE THESE ACCOMMODATIONS?'
putting all of this on the shoulders of a single 'buckaroo with a difference' is exhausting. as the TLA has shown, we currently live on a timeline where a buckaroo like myself never really knows if an invite is SOLID without doing a deep dive history lesson on how often a group discriminates and against who.
i did not want to spend my whole family holiday worrying whether or not i should say something publicly or just lie down and shut my dang mouth. i had to consider HOW i should say it. i had to worry whether or not its worth standing up for myself in the face of the largest state library association in the country. i think buckaroos with differences are with me when i say: WE ARE SICK OF HAVING TO DO THIS WORK TO COVER FOR THE POOR BEHAVIOR OF LARGE ORGANIZATIONS WHO TREAT US BADLY
another option would just be to use kindness and common sense and happily accommodate artists with unique presentations to your conventions
PART SEVEN: LOVE IS STILL REAL
i would like to close by saying THANK YOU to my publisher nightfire and editor kelly for standing up for me. they immediately stood firm and had my back. they are the real dang deal. THANK YOU to my management and agent buds dongwon and gino for trotting along beside me. THANK YOU to the folks at the texas library association who initially invited chuck with goodness in their heart and then likely got bowled over by someone else, and maybe even got knocked to the side by a big closing gate.
i hope there are librarians in texas who are still interested in carrying BURY YOUR GAYS when it comes out (which is ironically about someone who creates a space through art to express their queerness where they cant otherwise). libraries prove love is real and what they do IS SO IMPORTANT. it was SO IMPORTANT TO ME as a young buckaroo and i cannot thank you enough. i am not sure if me writing all of this will hurt my sales in some way, but this opportunity to speak about the reality of disability awareness and queer gatekeeping is too important to stay silent. (if you have not already preordered BURY YOUR GAYS then give it a preorder to make up for some texas library losses i guess.)
which leads me to my final thank you. THANK YOU to the buckaroos reading this. yes YOU. i am in the position to stand up and speak my mind against scoundrel forces ONLY because i have the might of you buckaroos by my side. the buckaroo trot is ALL OF OUR TROT and we are ALL HERE TO PROVE LOVE. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate the way you have created a space for me to express these important parts of myself. you have seen this pink mask over my face and saying YES, I ACCEPT YOU, you have literally saved my life. for that i am so thankful.
if you are UPSET by what youve read here, then turn it into something positive. you can support autistic creators, or make a donation to the AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK
and besides WHO IS REALLY MISSING OUT? this is what it looks like when you invite the worlds greatest author chuck tingle to your event and treat their identity as valid. WE HAVE A DANG GOOD TIME
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KEEP TROTTING INTO THE FUTURE. KEEP KICKING DOWN GATES WHEREVER THEY MAY BE. KEEP PROVING LOVE IS REAL AND PROVING IT TOGETHER. lets go buckaroos - chuck
UPDATE AN HOUR AFTER POSTING:
true buckaroo TJ KLUNE was set to be another author on panel chuck was removed from and has informed me he has now chosen to decline his invitation in support and solidarity with chuck. i am so deeply moved by this. thank you from bottom of heart buckaroo
to be very clear TJ has a huge platform and DOES NOT NEED TO DO THIS. these conferences are great for book sales and he is taking a hit out of pure solidarity. this is queer buckaroos standing up for eachother. i am floored by this kindness and love
please consider checking out his books if they are not already covering your dang bookshelf. chuck blurbed IN THE LIVES OF PUPPETS and i was blown away i heckin loved it
MOST RECENT UPDATE:
here is more
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