#it's too embarrassing otherwise
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Never forgetting the girl that openly criticized me for studying German when she learned japanese because of the Nazism thing, it's been more than 6 years but I can't forget how confused I felt for a couple minutes
#if only she hadn't known japanese.... like any other language would have worked but it was exactly the language of the country#committing horrors and war crimes during ww2#i ended up not even replying because my brain was filled with the shit Japan did that was as bad as what the nazist were doing and when#i got over that the message was already gone because others kept talking in the channel#when someone starts studying Japanese for weabo reasons they should be forced to do a crash course ln Japan's history#it's too embarrassing otherwise
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Have you watched Love Lies Bleeding, and if not I think you should
i tried watching this. on a plane. where other people can glance over and see my screen.
advice: don't do this
#sci speaks#i didn't get into the meat of the plot because i was too cowardly to power through all the VERY HOT LESBIAN SEX in the first 30 minutes#otherwise i'm sure it's a great movie. i will watch it eventually. when i am feeling brave enough to do so#i can't explain why i. who literally writes porn. gets embarrassed watching sex in a movie.#like. alone in my room dipping a finger under my collar and talking to the screen like . aw geesh. you girls should get a room.
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please. i need alastor with his hair up so we can see the side of his head. second set of ears or smooth flesh prairie?
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor ears#alastor's flesh fields#bc husk has the ears on top as well#but his head is shaped like a cat and he has all the fur so it works#but alastor is mostly human shaped when he wants to be and his face head is distinctly skinful#so.#like imagine he's uncomfortable or embarrassed by it because it's *yet another* physical difference that#invites the taunts and abuse and humiliation he faced in life (and is thus very sensitive about in afterlife)#he already faces being a PREY animal of all things#so. imagine. he always ALWAYS makes sure his hair covers the side of his head. in his twisted victim mind the lack of ears makes him#Wrong and Disgusting and Untouchable and A Monster (and not in the satisfying fearful way he enjoys)#so he pushes it away. doesnt let anyone learn about his ugly disgusting mutation because surely SURELY if they saw it...#he could lose everything he's worked so hard for. because who would fear him? who would respect him? who would bother looking in his#direction? he would just be another lowlife Freak undeserving of love and attention and— well#thats what he would tell himself. but then one day niffty's doing his hair like he sometimes lets her#and he's just enjoying letting her have her fun. kinda spaced out; mostly just enjoyjng the rare sensation of a touch he doesn't despise#it doesnt even register when she pulls his hair up (maybe into lil space buns or smthn idk) that it leaves his empty face on display for all#i can imagine angel being the most outwardly shocked. some loud exclamation that turns everyones attention to alastor and his earless face#just. everyone staring at him. and he realises. and he hates himself for slipping like that and oh no theyre going to hate him and tell—#— everyone and he will lose all that hes been working towards with the hotel and he is just. So. mortified. think shameful reactions:#averted gaze; flushed cheeks; figeting under their stares; or perhaps the classic deer-in-headlights look as he freezes in shock#just as he feels everything crashing down around him. the others get ahold of themselves and share their reactions too#shock; confusion; endearment (charlie would 100% do a big AWW/want to touch it); reassurances galore when they see him retreat into his mind#they tell him it's normal (he's in hell; no longer a human but a demon; everyone looks odd by some standard)#they tell him it makes sense (he's a deer after all). they tell him his appearance is nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is still#super intimidated and frightened by him ♡; that it doesnt change anything; that theyre sorry for whatever led him to believe otherwise
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feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole
#hivemind tv#hmfcu#riley savage#graydon weaver#quadeca#jane remover#eden burke#my art#2023#fanart#doodles#furry#its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online#doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself#and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling#and come back and then the cycle repeats#its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard#so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)'#NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here#and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out#and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave#i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style#idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment#i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one”#or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it”#sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse#whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m#friends for a while i think#woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography
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6 and 7 for Cherry?
6. Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?
the no matter what it is part is really important here because cherry is like. an extreme cynic and pragmatist. she just doesn’t trust people. besides the fact that she isn’t able to form any type of genuine bond with anyone other than shana (if you can even call whatever’s going on there a bond. but it’s the closest thing to it she’ll ever have and it’s also the worst thing to ever happen to her lol) in her entire life, who especially cannot be trusted, so there are no exceptions to this among her non-existent inner circle too. cherry can’t tell at all when people lie to her or are maybe being otherwise malicious so she will always assume the worst for her own safety. she doesn’t particularly like surprises of any kind but positive ones are always better than the alternative haha. she will often assume bad intentions especially from people the longer she spends time with them. as a teen she thought her mom was planning to kill her so she climbed out of the window in the middle of the night and went missing for a day after getting on a random train lol. cried like a baby the entire time because overwhelming and also she misses her mom.
that being said, a pragmatist. of course she is far more likely to believe a professional or someone otherwise learned in an area over anyone else. those people can and do of course lie too, but the word of people in her life do not take priority over facts as she sees it.
cherry struggles with conflict though so you’ll often find her going along with whatever someone advises her to do if she doesn’t deem it too outright wrong and/or outlandish because she doesn’t want to cause even the tiniest bit of friction. she’ll think less of that person for making a suggestion she sees as stupid or something though. the easiest way for you to gain even a teensy tiny bit of cherry trust this way would therefore be to just give her accurate advice and/or information fairly often. this also means that there is no one she wouldn’t theoretically take advice from. even shana. if like. theoretically he explained to her how cook simple meatsauce and spaghetti correctly (she uh. can’t do that. instant ramen and frozen meals diet queen) she would most likely not question it and believe him despite everything lol
7. Describe them in three words. Now let them describe themself in three words.
me: contradictory, self-destructive, sad
her: she’d look at you like this 😐 for 5 minutes while simultaneously sweating and on the verge of tears until you awkwardly change the subject
#the funniest thing is though shana is never more honest than he is with her lol#she’s the only one who knows the extent of what he is and does and did.#not to say that he can be trusted because fuck no but still just funny to note.#cherry is that way too actually. more honest with him than with anyone else.#he’s the only one who gets to hear her go on and on about how people should get executed for smoking in public#or for smoking in general.#yay!#but genuinely yay for the shana one of the many things he enjoys about her#oc: cherry#though she does lie to him more than he does to her purely for self-preservation.#shana takes a lot longer than usual to learn how to read cherry accurately most times#but he can most often tell when she does lie sooner than later. problem is just getting the truth out of her then lol. that can be tricky s#because whatever cherry feels like she has to lie about is most often information mr monster would like to have very much#the other 1.5/10 times it isn’t that important it’s usually just mildly to moderately embarrassing or otherwise uncomfortable to share#and he likes getting that from her too :’)#so whenever he catches her in a lie you better believe he’ll needle her in the most cruel ways possible.
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the main characters in High School musical meet when they do a karaoke duet, right? do that but with a LD song. some good duet contenders:
-Reaganomics
-Ben Bernanke
-Knife Fight
-Two Trucks (in which one person sings the lyrics and the other person does the beatboxing/sound effects)
-you could probably do Mouth songs, too. Orgonon Gurlz? Ribs? Space Monkey Mafia, maybe?
-Redesign Your Logo (one person does the robot voice and one does the speaking voice)
-Turkeys
-???
#not actually condoning you to do this in public bc people in a karaoke bar will despise you for it fyi#but actually I've thought about this so much Reaganomics would be so fucking fun as a karaoke duet#if i ever date anyone ever we have to do that#but it would have to be among friends who already like NC otherwise it'd be too embarrassing#lemon demon#neil cicierega
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the way i need genuine intense psychological rewiring just so i can talk to people in a normal setting is just crazy to me. i would ask what happened to me but i have always been this way, it just keeps getting worse and worse
#autism of course doesnt help but i just. wow i cant even reply to mutuals' posts. i cant even like or reblog some posts bc i feel bothersome#i know it shouldnt all be about me but i have nothing to be confident about. i am so embarrassed of myself and how i act...#i dont want to subject people to me and im too scared to be friends with anyone anyway. so i just run away and hide#but im going crazy all alone im so jealous and mean and filled with anger and guilt#i just wanna be normal. avpd makes my life feel hopeless and devoid.. but maybe its just best. i am irredeemable and so cringe#its shown to me all the time and i cant convince myself otherwise#i haven't been suicidal in a while but i have been sleeping 16 hours a day bc i cant fathom being awake and existing as me#existing all alone and without anyone to turn to#and even the ppl i talk to i just cant let myself be vulnerable and be myself. its like i don't know how#like im always hiding the core of me bc if people find out the truth they will hate me..#honey's words
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wait are you an actress?
no lol my friends have an early Halloween short film special and I always participate. I mean, it's a professional production and all but none of us except the director have pro acting experience. Last year I was a final girl, this year they decided to take my "being possessed sounds fun" statement too seriously
#after this I will never be embarrassed of anything in life I fear#and I will literally have Will seizuring as a reference cause otherwise it's Reagan and that's too insane#nbc hannibal#ask the lamb#hannigram#will graham
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The urge to headcanon every pathologic character as aroallo is getting harder to resist each day
They'd each fall differently on the Aversed/Neutral/favoured spectrum for romance. Some would go for a relationship, and others would prefer a fwb situation. Some are poly by default while others prefer monogomy.
#YOU'RE ARO AND YOU'RE ARO AND YOU'RE ARO AND EVERYONE HERE IS ARO#Lara is so Aro codded you CANNOT tell me otherwise#Honestly Aglaya might be the only non-aro character ironically enough#Actually Eva too#BUT ARTEMY? ALL ARO#VICTOR KAIN?? AROOOO. EVEN NINA KAINA FUCK YEAH ARO QUEEN#Rubin is aro but doesn't know what aro is so he assumes everyone is just the same#DANIIL DANKOVSKY THE AROALLO KING#Peter👀👀👀👀 Yes#Andrey too actually#LISTEN vlad#the younger obv#the older is so smitten in love and it's so beautiful#Capella actually feels aro to me the way she says she doesn't love khan but still cares and wants to be with him#ik it's for the town future but when pushed she admits he doesn't love her yet but he will eventually#but she doesn't say anything about her loving him eventually#Yulia is aro too you're not escaping the aro ray#Maria is romance repulsed aro she doesn't want a relationship either no matter what kind#But Artemy is romance favoured aro#Anna? Aro. BUT she likes peaple admiring her and getting crushed tho she will never reciprocite#ASPITY? AROOOOO all the way. Familial love is the whole world to her and everything else is second place#I don't see Katerina and Alexander being aro BUT they're very supportive parents of Clara being aro#By supportive I mean extremely embarrassed also completely misunderstanding it#Alexander Block looks at Clara like “What you're describing is what everyone feels tho right?” not realising he too is aro#He has intense platonic love and care for others#♧several characters
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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treehouse censoring even alfred's, kagetsu's, etc romantic lines in elyos after you s-support them....
#WHY!!!!#why let alfred say he loves you in his pact ring support but then not in the hub world???#avgn WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?.mp4#fire emblem engage#fire emblem#alfred fire emblem#i swear to god i will make a masterpost of every change at some point because this is insane.#regardless on whether people like how fe has dating sim elements there is no excuse for removing content that *isnt even problematic*#i am normally not someone who overly cares about FE censorship but in engage it was extremely excessive and with no rhyme or reason#hitting even characters that are over 18 in the datamined ages (which aren't even visible in game)....#hitting characters that otherwise WEREN'T censored but then are in other places#theres really no excuse for it especially when this is the game with the most textual m/m and f/f options to date#including characters like mauvier (he says he adores you in his wake up events!) who isnt just a bishounen (ignoring the bad 3d models lol)#thankfully mauviers wasnt censored too hard tho they still removed another reference of him saying he loves you! like why?#because romantic content does not change based on alear's gender; by removing romantic elements they also removed textual bisexuality#dont assume im also including jean and anna in that; because im not. but when it comes to characters that are of age as well...like come on#there also isnt any consistency. mauviers datamined age is 31 and zelkovs is 28; but zelkov is censored muuuuch harder#fe#fe17#its a little embarrassing to care about this sort of thing but its still content people are paying for that is removed which isnt okay#for the record ive played almost every FE game and enjoy them with or without dating sim elements.#but what i hate is this half baked situation#games#joseiposting
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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and tell me why bry replied to my accidental story reply fk me im sorry queen (it wasn't an accident i just saw the story n replied like an idiot before realising who i had replied to) (so like. kind of an accident)
#oh lawd i had hoped that would stay in her requests. she replied and i replied with an affirmative which should keep the convo closed#hhhhhhhhh i am. a constant embarrassment to myself it's just lucky i don't uhhhhh post [redacted] on main otherwise#it would have been so phover for me#redacted just being my cringe btw... nothing weird but weird for bry for sure#i just saw her in space adventure too lmfao#diary
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hi im here
#* ooc: let's go lesbains!#played stardew for a While#didn't even get to the flower dance iurhegtikjh#hoping to get writing done!! but that might happen mostly on discord bc i wanna reply to everything i have with emmy#discord is the best place to get faster replies from me!#i also prefer writing nsft stuff on discord bc otherwise i get too embarrassed irhegitjkh#expecting ppl to judge my smut ig idk
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adam cartwright and blue-brown eyes and the darkest black hair and strong tanned arms and a deep disarming laugh and round dimpled cheeks and that tiny scar on his lip
#yeah I'm normal about him what made you think otherwise#(if anyone from real life ever finds this post I will probably implode)#(actually I was almost too embarrassed to post it at all but thoughts must out)#bonanza#pondering the ponderosa#lost in adamiration
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