#it's therapeutic as hell and doesn't take that long

[lazylittledragon]

started some battle jeans

[servicpop]

Could you please do your Oc’s with a bunny hybrid reader, sfw and nsfw headcannons please?

Also could I be 🎧 anon?

thx

Adrien has only ever owned a pet once and that was a dog he had as a little kid. He's never been one for any pet other than a dog ( he's a huge dog person ) so meeting you was a surprise !

SFW : Adrien is super possessive over you , like a guard dog and his little bunny companion ! Everytime someone looks at you weirdly , an arm will wrap around your shoulders and he'll stare down the other person until they look away.

He's really interested in how you would groom yourself ! He would spend hours on his bed , watching you nibble on your long floppy ears to get the knots out — he thinks its the most adorable thing

NSFW: As a bunny your libido would be insanely high , and lucky for you , Adrien's is too !

He won't grab your ears much since he's afraid he'll accidentally bruise them or something so he'll usually get you laying on your back to avoid that urge of grabbing your ears when hitting it from behind . . .

He loves it when you ride him just to see your ears flop around when you bounce on his lap and he can't help but fondle your little tail since he loves the feeling of it wagging in his palm.

Cole lives amongst alot of farm animals so its not a surprise he's so educated on bunnies !

SFW: He helps you clean and takes care of your fur, buying you special brushes and bunny-safe shampoo to use on your ears and tail.

Cole could spend hours brushing your fur , untangling all the knots while you lay your head on his lap , he finds it therapeutic being able to take care of you like this !

He can't stop his fingers from lightly tapping the tip of your nose everytime it twitches , its just too adorable for him he can't stay put !

NSFW: Cole is extremely sensitive so he's already winded the moment you get you go into heat.

Half the time he'll laying on his back , hand over his mouth as he's gripping onto your hips as tight as possible trying to get you to slow down but you just can't !

You practically milk the life out of him and he has to hold you down to get you to stop.

Even though he can't keep up with you , he'll help you ride it out by letting you rut on his thigh. Poor Cole T T

Vallen

SFW: He'll treat you like a lap cat ( he's more of a cat person ) letting you curl up on his legs while he works and strokes your ears in a steady , soothing pace.

He just loves messing with you , lightly teasing you to see your foot thump on the floor rapidly in anger. So he does it as often as he can !

He doesn't understand that you can eat the exact same things as a human can but Vallen always buys fresh carrots in bulk just for you. There's never one day where he doesn't have any carrots lying around for you to munch on.

NSFW: Vallen loves to grab your ears.

He loves to gently tug on them especially when you're giving him a bj , it turns him the hell on when he sees your face when he pulls on them. Hes relatively gently with them though , only holding them lightly enough to encourage you to move your head in the direction he's pulling.

He'll hold your tail captive while he eats you out , watching you arch your back and squirm cuz he's playing with your little cotton ball too much.

Your libido was never a problem for him , he'll just tape a vibrator to your dick and watch you tire yourself out ( sigh old man )

Callahan he's the type to hate hybrids but ends up tangled with one

SFW: Every little action you do , he'll quickly turn around and do a quick search on 'why does my bunny do this' and 'what does my bunny need when. . .' He's always on his phone frantically searching for answers because he's never owned a pet let alone took care of a hybrid ! he doesn't know what to do !

He'll act mortified everytime you present yourself to him for pets , Callahan would just turn away and scold you for even asking him for such a thing ! But then a few minutes after he doesn't even notice but he's running his fingers so delicately across the soft fur of your ears.

NSFW: Just like Vallen he's an ear grabber.

He's much harsher, bunching your ears together in one hand as he's thrusting into you. It's like he's tugging on a leash with the way he's pulling your ears while fucking you into the mattress.

Callahan is super into breeding you — even though you're a male bunny — he's putting you in a mating press and muttering on about how he'd love to see his kids have cute noses like yours or have soft ears like yours.

He's shooting loads into you and grips your ears hard enough to bruise — which he googles again what treatments bunnies need for bruises the next morning since he feels guilty.

[honey-crypt]

can you do some headcanon drabbles thingies with a farmer that has BPD? Bachelors please

a/n: yippee i get to write about bpd!!! fun fact but i was diagnosed with it for about two years (it ended up being a misdiagnosis) and i did a ted talk (like a legit one lol) about it and the criminalization/demonization of personality and other "undesirable" disorders :3 thx for this request and enjoy!

warning: discussion of bpd splitting, mental health crisis, and self-harm

★ sdv bachelors with bpd!farmer ★

alex

★ seeing you split for the first time is the catalyst for him to address his own issues, such as dealing with his father's abuse; to an extent, he can see himself in you, longing for approval and love from others, only to fall apart when others don't provide that

★ a very good listener, he opens his ears and mind to you to talk about what's on your mind and you do the same for him; it's very helpful and therapeutic for the both of you

★ does his best to keep you away from george, he worries that his grandfather's behavior would trigger an episode in you but he couldn't keep you away from him forever; it does cause an episode but with evelyn's help, alex manages to get george on his best behavior around you

elliott

★ often writes you letters of reassurance and love for you to read whenever you're having an episode, it's his way of supporting you through your hard times

★ he attends workshops to learn methods to assist you with bpd episodes and symptoms after harvey recommended it to him when he confided in him about his concern for your wellbeing

★ adds a small piece of candy, such as a starburst or skittle, in your pill box so you have a little reward/pick-me-up when you take your medication

harvey

★ out of all the bachelors, he's the best equipped to support you during your episodes (he did a psych rotation during his residency) but he tries his best not to go doctor mode on you

★ covers your farmhouse with sticky notes that feature medication reminders, words of affirmation, and so on; you save each and every one of them in a little scrapbook that you look back on for reassurance

★ harvey makes you feel safe, you're truly able to trust him and confide in him; you both make it work and even though others are critical of your relationship, either of you really give a damn because you love one another

sam

★ he's familiar with mental health conditions because of his father's ptsd and in the beginning of your romantic relationship, he kinda isolates himself from you when you're splitting because he genuinely doesn't know how to help

★ but thankfully, he learns how to support you with harvey's education on bpd, such as grounding you with music or encouraging you to socialize with others

★ he enjoys writing and playing you songs as a means of grounding, you're his inspiration and he wants to brighten your world with the power of music

sebastian

★ he goes into research mode after you inform him that you have bpd, he knows that personality disorders are heavily stigmatized and he doesn't want you to feel like he thinks you're a bad person for having bpd

★ does dbt (dialectical behavioral therapy) homework with you when you come home from group (group therapy); it helps him just as much as it helps you, he learns a lot of coping techniques that he utilizes when he has to deal with hardships or shitty people like demetrius

★ gets you an enamel pin for every month you remain clear from self-harm, you have an ita bag that you secure every pin on and it's one of your most treasured possessions

shane

★ a match made in hell... JK JK you two have the potential to bring out the best or worst in one another, depending on your relationship and whether or not you both are in therapy

★ if you're friends, you're able to support one another through bpd or depressive episodes, you both are different sides of a very similar coin and your empathy for one another transcends the boundaries of your typical friendship

★ but if you're dating or married?? i'm sorry but it's not gonna work out well unless both of you are consistent with your meds and therapy; you often get paranoid about your relationship with shane and it only intensifies during his 14 heart event where you and marnie think he relapsed with his drinking, causing you to split... luckily, it works out in the end but you still struggle with coping and trusting shane

[wannaeatramyeon]

Gun Park x Goo Kim: Whittling

More 479ish spoilers but not really. This chapter really did something to me.

"What are you making?" Goo adjusts his glasses, squinting over Gun's shoulder at whatever the hell it is.

"None of your business."

"Well it's ugly!"

"If it's ugly then it must be you."

Gun hears a burst of laughter and warm breath fanning over his cheek. Can't help the smirk creeping over his own face.

Neither say anything else as Gun continues to work the woodblock, more therapeutic and stress relieving than trying to create anything. He expects the blonde, with the attention span of a gnat, to become bored and wander off.

To his surprise, he stays, and the amicable silence doesn't last.

"Why are you hacking at it like that?" A gasp, "You're such a brute!"

"Have you never held a blade before? How are you butchering it this badly?"

Then-

"Give that here!"

Gun prepares for Goo snatching the knife and woodblock away. Tenses, readying to stab him-

Goo doesn't snatch at anything.

Instead, rests his hands atop Gun's own.

Firm and guiding. Slowing down the motions, moving confidently as if the blade and Gun's hands are an extension of his.

Goo shuffles his weight, leans further forward into Gun's space, to see what he's doing.

"Angle it carefully, think about the direction and what you are trying to do."

There's a buzzing in Gun's head.

"Don't make it harder for yourself, turn the woodblock."

It grows-

"Don't twist the knife like that."

And grows-

"Take off too little rather than too much. You can't take it back if you make a mistake."

And grows.

He can barely take in what Goo is saying.

All Gun can focus on is the way Goo has pressed himself up against him.

Skilled, expert fingers holding his.

How this close, Gun can see how long his eyelashes are, a faint freckle below his eye, and the indent mark of his glasses.

.

.

"What is that?"

Goo holds up the small wooden piece to the light. Brows knitted together as he examines and scrutinises it.

"A dragon."

"Bit small to be a dragon."

"..."

"Looks more like a worm."

"..." Gun takes a deep breath and counts to three.

"Are you sure it's not a worm?"

"It's yours. Do with it what you want."

A fresh insult stills on Goo's tongue. He freezes, cogs whirring away as he takes in what Gun just said. "...Mine?"

A nod.

"This little worm is mine?!" Goo holds it against his chest, fawning over the dragon-worm. "You made it for me?"

.

.

Gun had been taught, back when he was a young master and still cared about creating and crafting, that the first thing you make goes to the teacher.

Despite how much Gun loathes to think of Goo as the teacher or superior in any aspect; the whittling, the woodwork, the guidance and direction - it's difficult to deny.

So Gun presents Goo with the most-definitely-not-a-worm dragon. Blames this act on tradition and his upbringing and not just because he wanted to.

Doesn't dwell on how if he keeps seeing this dragon, he will be reminded of how close Goo was, the calloused hand on his, the soothing timbre of his voice.

Better to get rid than allow for whatever that was to fester.

Luck isn't on Gun's side, however, as Goo carries the dragon wherever he goes.

Pulling it out and cooing over it whenever he gets a chance. Fiddling with it absentmindedly in his pocket so much so that it becomes a habit.

Gun notices every time. Sees the tiny dragon over and over again.

It's too late. It does fester, and it does grow.

And Gun, whenever he catches sight of Goo with his handiwork, wonders if this might be the death of him.

Wonders if life had been a little kinder, then perhaps it might not be death and instead the start of something else.

[sailing-through-hawkins]

had this in my head and then saw this post by @babyboyargyle so i took it as a sign to write it out! it's not perfect but it was fun (*^▽^*)

Say what you want to about monsters and killers and the apocalypse but at least this time they've got all-day access to pizza. Steve doesn't really know where this guy came from but damn, he makes a great margherita.

"Guys, this is Argyle," Jonathan introduces, waving towards a man with very, very long hair, holy shit.

Steve takes a second from hammering nails into the fifth bat that he's been tossed to give the guy a nod. He nods back, eyes flitting between the bat in Steve's hands to the bandages wrapped around his waist. But Steve's used to everyone keeping an eye on his wounds, from his stomach to his back to his arms to his head. He's a magnet for damage, that's just how it is.

"Hey man," Steve greets with a wave and gets back to hammering. "Welcome to the shitshow."

"Y-yeah," Argyle swallows with another nod. "Glad to be here."

At first, he seemed like a great addition. Argyle's funny, chill in a way that Steve hasn't experienced since '83, maybe even before that. Despite all the monsters lurking and the crackling in the air, dude kept his cool and got to work on food supplies and even teaching everyone how to do tracking shit like something out of a nature show.

But then, on their way back to the base (also known as Steve's fucking house), Jonathan's team is almost swarmed by demodogs and Steve and Robin have to run out to give 'em hell.

Ha, giving hell to the hellbeasts. Is that irony? Dustin would call it irony, Steve thinks.

After a little carnage and some (very therapeutic, according to Robin) violence, they manage to annihilate the 'dogs and get Will to throw their tracks off so they have their safe zone for a bit longer at least, but Argyle is quiet and frantic-eyed the entire walk home. It unsettles Steve, all that antsy energy building up under the surface.

Once safely inside, Jonathan and Nancy start on organizing the new supplies. It's when Jonathan manages to drop a water bottle that all that tension finally bursts.

"Shit, oh man, shit, shit, oh my god!" Argyle's pacing back and forth, hands scrunching up into his scalp which, yikes, not a good look for that mane. "This is so messed up, this is crazy, this is so messed up!"

Jonathan steps forward with a, "Argyle, Argyle, listen -"

"No, no, no, last time I listened to you, there was an open grave in front of me and now there's like fifty thousand demons out there! The world is fucking crazy right now, man, I am freaking out! I am -"

Okay, damage control time.

"Hey, hey, hey -" Steve shifts himself into Argyle's line of sight, holding his hands up and letting out a low whistle. "Dude, take a breath, alright?"

Which is apparently all the guy needs to latch his hands onto Steve's shoulders very, very tightly, holy shit, this guy's grip. "How am I supposed to breathe when -"

"Look at me, in-and-out, alright?" Steve exaggerates his own breathing, letting Argyle take his time in copying the motions. "In, out, in, out, you're doing good. It's pretty scary out here, huh?"

Argyle's grip on his shoulders tenses but Steve quickly grabs onto his wrists, gives them a short squeeze, and suddenly all that tension deflates. Which means physical contact is a go for reassurance, nice. "Yeah."

"I get it, man, I do. First time I got into this shit? I was ready to hightail it outta there and never look back, y'know?" He looks up from under his lashes, giving the guy what he hopes is a comforting smile. Judging by the hitch in his breath, it's not as comforting as Steve hopes. "But I get the feeling you're a ride-or-die type, right?"

Argyle shrugs, eyes fixated on Steve like he's the last hope he's got. No pressure.

"Look, I can't like - I can't guarantee much, wouldn't wanna jinx anything, but we're going to handle this, alright?" Damn, his hands are really warm. Is it because he's stressed? Even Steve doesn't run this warm when he's stressed, dude must be keeping a lot of anxiety under all that...weed? California weed? Whatever, focus, Steve. "It's not our first or second, not even third rodeo with this shit, we can absolutely handle it."

"You can handle it," Argyle says in what Steve thinks might be...petulant? Oh, that's fun, this guy is totally going to be fun to have around for the long haul. "Man, I don't even know what the hell is going on anywhere anymore."

Steve laughs, rubbing circles into Argyle's skin with his thumb. He's definitely wired up but that tight spark of panic in his eye is getting dimmer, so the contact might actually be working here. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think any of us know what's happening."

"How -"

"That's the thing, we don't need all the answers right now," Steve pats his wrist and tries a different kind of smile this time which, judging by the way Argyle's gulping and kind of just staring at him, might be working? Okay, fifty-fifty on that. "Just need to figure it out one step at a time."

"I don't - I'm kinda freaking out here, dude," Argyle confesses, like it wasn't kinda obvious for everyone in the room, as he lets go of Steve's shoulders (fuck, his grip is killer, there's definitely gonna be marks tomorrow) and lets his hands hang by his waist in a really sad way. Steve nods, patting his shoulder and gently leading him to the closest chair he can find (of course it's the sofa Mike left his socks on, god damn it Wheeler). "I'm not cut out for this freaky stuff, man, what if - what if we don't make it -"

"Hey," Steve says sharply, immediately regretting it when Argyle flinches at his tone. Take a breath, relax, the guy's worried, that's all. Steve softens his voice, and rubs a hand down his back when he buries his face in his hands. Huh, that's a quality shirt. "Hey, I get it. Believe me, I know how overwhelming this all is when you've got like, zero clue how it all happened. But I got your back here, dude, I'll watch your six."

And woah. Argyle snaps his face back to Steve, eyes wide and mouth just slightly agape. "You what?"

"'S kinda my job," Steve shrugs, continuing to rub his back so he can figure out why this material feels so familiar, what the hell.  "I'm the babysitter," - ignore Mike's affronted scoff, stay focused - "I keep track with the whole newbie thing most of the time. I mean like, we all got your back but y'know - like -  I'll personally make sure nothing happens to you, if that helps?"

Argyle stares at him for a few seconds, making it really hard not to squirm in the silence. Steve settles for scratching at his nose, finally taking his hand off that damned shirt, the fuck kind of brand is it?! Not important, focus, focus.

"Uh, sorry if that - I didn't mean to come on too strong or anything -"

"Holy shit, dude," Argyle breathes out, one of his (very warm) hands coming down to grip Steve's knee. "You're like, a godsend."

"Oh, uh, thank you?" Steve blinks when Argyle beams at him and pats his knee. Huh, maybe he's getting better at this comforting stuff. "Are - you good now?"

"Hell yes, my friend, I have a killer beast 'watching my six', don't I?" Argyle winks and shit, Steve's wounds must be inflaming again, his skin feels hot. "Now who's ready for some pie!"

Steve watches as he swoops up, practically glowing with such a positive energy it's kind of giving him whiplash. He stares as Argyle makes his way to the kitchen, snatching another glance back at Steve and giving him a wide grin, another wink and a salute before he disappears.

"What just happened?" Steve blinks again.

Jonathan pats his shoulder in sympathy which, uh, why? "You've just been Argyle'd."

"What does that even mean?" Steve splutters because what the hell is even happening. "And what did he mean by an open grave?"

"It's a long story," Jonathan sighs and gives him another pat. "Tell you once you help me sort out the water supply."

"The supply that you were supposed to figure out before you left, that water supply?"

"Fuck you," Jonathan grins and Steve shakes off the buzzing heat under his skin.

Everything's fine, all is cool. Just gotta keep an extra eye on Argyle.

Easy-peasy. Fuck, please be easy-peasy.

[hungarianmudkip69]

actually im thinking abt it now so here's a post

Tips for Actually Fucking Getting Your ADHD Medication!!!!!

First of all, some notes:

a) I was diagnosed and started my medication when I was very small. So unfortunately I cannot offer advice about getting prescribed your medication! only getting the medication you are already prescribed. I literally don't remember a time before I was taking my meds.

b) I take specifically Concerta! While I think these should be applicable to other medications as well, that's something I felt like I should be upfront with.

c) I live in the US. I don't actually know how much of this would apply to other countries. Maybe some of it? But this is specifically about the US healthcare system.

This is going to be a bit long bc I am, of course, ADHD, so I'll put it under a cut.

This post will cover two scenarios: My Medication Is Usually Covered, But This Time It's Not/Costs More Than Usual and The Pharmacy Is Out Of My Fucking Medication!!!!

I would appreciate reblogs even if you aren't ADHD to get this info to people who need it, especially with another shortage seemingly starting!

I've got a couple different situations to cover, starting with:

My Medication Is Usually Covered, But The Pharmacy Says This Time It's Not/Costs Way More Than Usual

ok this is going to be so so hard but this is what you're going to have to do:

Call your health insurance.

Every time this has happened to me, it hasn't actually not been covered, it was the pharmacy fucking something up while checking coverage.

When you get through to a rep, you're going to say this:

"Hi, my name is [name.] I was trying to get my ADHD medication from my pharmacy, but they said it's not covered, which is weird because my prescription hasn't changed and it's been covered before. I'd like to know what's going on."

If you're upset, don't feel bad about not being able to hide it. Gotta be honest, I've gotten the quickest help when I started crying on the phone...

What usually happens with my medication is that it's made by multiple manufacturers, and the insurance only covers some of them. If the pharmacy only checked one manufacturer and it wasn't covered, sometimes they don't bother to check others, and tell me that my meds aren't covered.

Even if it's not that, it is far more likely that your pharmacy fucked up than that your insurance coverage changed. I once got quoted ALMOST SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS for 30 days of my medication. It turned out to be a pharmacy error.

Health insurance companies may be out to fuck you over, but the people at the customer service phones are there to help you. Let them help you get your meds covered if the pharmacy won't. I once had an incredible rep who even called the pharmacy herself to make sure they ran my meds properly and started filling them while I was still on the call. Let them help you! They want to!

The Pharmacy Is Out Of My Fucking Medication!!!!

This is the problem that I was having at the end of last year which was fucking hell for me to deal with.

Some useful background for this section:

There are multiple different ratings of generics for a drug. For my explanation, we'll use Concerta. This explanation may not be entirely accurate as I am not trained in this stuff! But it is what my dad learned and explained to me while we were navigating the shortage.

Concerta is extended-release methylphenidate, but the unique thing about it is the release mechanism. It has a little hole in the end and a tiny sponge in it. Over time the sponge absorbs stomach acid and expands, pushing the medication out at a consistent rate.

There is a generic with this same sponge release mechanism! It is what is called an "AB rated" generic for Concerta because it is proven to have the exact same therapeutic effects as brand name Concerta. Insurance covers AB generics! Yay!

Extended release Ritalin is the same drug and the same dosage, but it simply dissolves in your stomach over time so it doesn't release as consistently as Concerta. It is a "Bx rated" generic. At least in my experience, insurance will not cover this without a special exemption from your doctor. This is usually a good thing, because it means your pharmacy can't just give you a Bx instead of an AB without your knowledge. During a shortage? Not so much.

So you have been informed by your pharmacy that they do not have the generic covered by your insurance. Here is what you're going to do.

1) Freak out a little bit. This is normal. Medication is important and you're not getting it. Let yourself work through it, then calm down because there Are Things You Can Do!!! Take your phone with you when you lie on the ground and cry, that way once you're done you don't have to get up to work on solving it. Getting up is hard.

2) Call your pharmacy and other pharmacies in the area. You want to find out a few things:

2.1) Do other pharmacies in the area have the generic your insurance covers? If so, you can call your doctor and ask them to send your prescription to that pharmacy instead.

2.2) What potential alternatives do they have? Ask if they have the brand name in stock (during the height of the shortage, both pharmacies my family used almost always had the brand name but not the AB generic) and if they have other generics your insurance doesn't cover. Take notes!

2.3) "Do you know what the process would be for getting one of those alternatives covered?" They may not, or they may tell you exactly what you need to do.

3) Call your insurance. Explain your situation to them, and ask them about ways to get your medication covered. I take 72mg total, and when the shortage started I was taking one each of 54mg and 18mg generic pills - by talking to the insurance, I found out that I could switch to two 36mg brand name pills without paying any more. However, this didn't help for my parents or for the times the pharmacy was out of the brand name as well. So here's the more important part: There are ways for you to get your doctor to apply to get them prescribing you an alternate generic approved. The insurance rep can describe this process to you. Take notes to get ready for the next step:

4) Call your doctor's office. Explain your situation, again, and explain that you called the insurance and they told you you need the doctor to do this thing. Ask when you can expect it to go through. Explain how you've been without your meds and it's awful and please you understand that there might not be anything they can do but anything they can do to fast track it would be incredible. Be polite, but don't be afraid to expose how badly you need this. I find it helps. Just be honest.

5) Treat yourself. This is stressful and it's a lot of phone calls, which are hard, especially if you don't have your meds. Give yourself a little treat and it will help your reward-motivated ADHD brain feel better about having to do that shit. Legitimately, my therapist told me to give myself a little treat every time I call the doctor. It's an important step.

6) Follow up. If it's past when you were supposed to get news or have your meds, call and ask for an update. Don't be afraid to be proactive in finding out the exact status of your meds. Just be polite and kind and phone reps are generally happy to help.

I genuinely hope you never need this advice. I also hope that if you do, it helps. These are just my personal experiences, so please also feel free to add any of your own tips to this post.

[dirtyendorphins]

(Post-S4, Vecna is defeated and Eddie lives. Steve's been dealing with anxiety, depression, and flashbacks ever since defeating Vecna, and allowed his hair to grow out long due to avolition. Eddie thinks Steve's hair looks cool, but Steve doesn't and wants it cut off. Eddie offers to cut it for him and Steve reluctantly agrees] All the supplies were laid out on the kitchen table. A small comb, scissors, an electric razor. The comb and scissors were plucked brand-new from a dollar store, but the electric razor was Eddie's, and he'd thoroughly cleaned it and applied a new blade guard and knew Steve wouldn't mind. No doubt, Steve owned a razor somewhere, but pushing Steve too hard with his fragile state of mind felt presumptuous. Was only for his sideburns and nape, anyhow. "Okay," Eddie said, brushing a curl from his face and looking over Steve's head with creased eyebrows and a toothy smile. "I've got this, I know all about hair," he said, taking half an inch of Steve's dark brown locks between his fingers and snipping the scissors, his locks floating like leaves to the trailer floor. The scissors made a gentle snipping sound near Steve's ear as Eddie continued, keeping his cuts as even as possible with steady hands. He'd do half an inch, and see how Steve liked it. "Gotta be a hell of a lot easier managing hair like this," Eddie said. Straight, unpretentious locks. It was therapeutic working it between his fingers and on the blades of the scissors.

[snowthornes]

hi! i just wanted to say that i love how you wrote thorne!! he seems very complex and i’d love to know more about him! :D

SADHGJSDGS??! Thank you so much 🥺 I'm so happy to hear that you like Thorne! I fr squeaked when I opened my tumblr to see this in my inbox hdskghksldg SO thank you very much for letting me know! 🥺✨

ALSO SORRY FOR TAKING SOOO LONG TO GET BACK TO YOU, I WAS BUSY WITH FINALS 😭😭😭 GAAAAAH.

So you'd like to know more about him, hm? Well, let me pull out some things about Thorne off the top of my head!

THORNE BRIERS | SHEPHERDS OF HAVEN

➸ Genuinely doesn't mind listening to people yap. The feeling of annoyance or impatience doesn't even occur to him. It's not that he's patient, per se — he wouldn't describe himself that way, at least — but he just doesn't see anything wrong with people wanting to talk about things they like. If that happens to include talking about how impressive and amazing they (the speaker) are? He'll find it more amusing than anything.

➸ Has always privately thought that the Ket are the coolest. Man, he also wants to leap impossible distances and run impossible speeds. They're so cool! It's more admiration than envy, though. As a child, he used to hound Ket travelers passing through Westwood for stories about their exploits, happily undeterred by their stoic demeanors and flat stares. He failed more often than not, but as he was a harmless, bright-eyed child with quick wits and a sincere tongue, he rarely got into any real trouble with his unfortunate targets.

Hmm, more cool facts, more cool facts... ah!

➸ He has the softest spot for children, though he tries to keep it a secret. Rarely does he show it, but children can worm their way into his heart so, so quickly. They're just miniature little people, new to the world and all it has to offer them. He's extremely passionate about children's right to live freely and happily, and most likely sends regular donations to orphanages around Blest once he amasses enough wealth.

Ah, and he totally wants to adopt a few children in the future, when he's sure he can offer them a stable enough home. It's a deep-rooted wish of his. He just wants to give them a happy childhood and make sure they go on to live well.

I'm not quite sure why he feels so strongly about children. Part of it might be because he wants to make up for the regrets of his childhood.

➸ He would be such a good theater actor if he gave it a CHANCE. HELLS, HE'D FALL IN LOVE WITH IT EVEN. It would be such a therapeutic exercise for him. The drama, the emotions, the grandness of it all? If he just let himself go, he'd absolutely thrive. He'd relish the chance to go mad with his emotions. The maniacal villain, the tragic male lead, the bitter vagrant!! He would be absolutely arresting in any role that allowed him to express strong, roaring emotions. I'm clawing at the walls trying to convince him to take a stab at it (he's not having it 🥹)

➸ I think he really likes butter. Like, he'd lather it on his toast and scones and all that. He really, really likes it. That just popped into my head for some reason!

And that's it for now, hehe!! Once again, thank you so much for your message, anon — it really made my day(s)!!! I really enjoyed getting the chance to talk about Thorne, so thank you!!

[fuckincityhands]

PLEASE TELL US ABOUT YOUR SELF INSERTS!!!!

(i have one too but it's so poorly drawn i wouldn't dare)

AUGHH!!! THANMYOU THANK YOU !!! ALSO DRAW YR SHIT ITS SOOO THERAPEUTIC HIGHLY RECOMMEND

TW for the whole ramble, but it's all pretty normal as far as normal Saw content goes. Suicide mentions cause it's pretty important for both of their stories.

The one with white hair and glasses is Jack Shepherd. He tried to end his life on multiple occasions and even when he was kidnapped for trap shenanigans it was when he was on the roof of his apartment complex. Him being called a leech is pretty repetitive in his stuff, seeing as that's what his tape refers to him as. He stopped trying to get better a long time ago and pre-trap he's at the point in his life where he barely has the ability to take care of himself.

The one with the cardigan and middle part is James Perkins, who works for a suicide hotline and sucks at his job dear god. He's selfish to all hell and back pre-trap and everyone in his life knows it. There's a giant wall built between him and everyone else, and it's ruining his ability to create relationships of any kind. He's called selfish in his tape :3

PARTNER TRAP! Both James and Jack are collared and leashed together with this several foot long chain so they're in forced proximity. The collars have these needles in them that, when thirty minutes passes, they're injected into the victim's neck. For James, there's an additional rule, that if he tries to help himself and gets caught with a silly camera he'll be injected again for punishment. It doesn't take long for James to be walking nausea, trying to get Jack (who's took to sobbing on the floor) to make ANY amount of progress. It's basically set up like an escape room, and most if not all of the clues are about James' life and if he doesn't open up neither of them are getting out. If you look real close, it's their roles all over again! It's like James is at the suicide hotline all over again and Jack has to want to get better

drawing of the trap, courtesy of my boyfriend. I love him so much you guys have no idea

Anyways, the whole things set up so James has to learn to put himself in someone else's care to force-learn empathy, and Jack has to learn how to care for/save himself and others. Post-trap their personalities do a 180. Jack gets a ego boost from actually surviving and becomes borderline manic? he misses his trap a lot of the time because it's the only time he's felt in control of anything. James becomes a paranoid mess who doesn't want to leave Jack (they hold hands a lot your honor) in fear of something bad happening to them both again. The trap, for the most part, "worked", but the two are extremely co-dependant now and don't know how to handle losing the other. They become apprentices because self fulfillment, Jack takes a lot more eagerly to the role and James is more or less just there as moral support for him. They're a 2 for 1 package do not separate !!

GOOD GOD I RAMBLED FOR AGES... AUGHHH I LOVE THEM A LOT !!! I won't touch their dynamics with other characters good GOD that's an entirely separate post. thank you for this ask. on my knees. I love my boyfriend so much.

[graveyard-party666]

Blood & Wine

And yet... you're always here.

New week, new chapter. This one was written long ago but i decided to make it longer. Almost gave up because of the verb tenses in that chapter. I still decided not to be bothered by that much and just post whatever i made.

Would it be weird if i decided to change the tense i used before for future chapters?.. 🤔

Anyway... here's the song for y'all.

Red has a stupid habit of plugging both ears with headphones. From a psychological point of view, her attempts to displace the real world, even for a second, are very funny. But even if for a moment she manages to forget about where she is and what she is doing, this is already a victory. From a therapeutic point of view, exactly.

Music has always been and is a part of therapy. There is hardly anything better than just dancing with headphones in your ears. Even if you dance in a place where strange to do so. But who can blame Red for this if the door to her office is closed and her stress and anxiety levels are off the charts? Well, of course, the folders won’t arrange themselves on the shelves.

Music is playing loudly through her headphones, and Red dances around, humming the song, as she places folders in alphabetical order on the shelves. Pedantry or OCD? Ironic.

The psychologist hears little except the music playing, and what difference does it make if the door to the office is closed?

A heavy hand falls on the girl’s shoulder. Red almost doubles over in horror. The last thing she expects is any visitors, especially if the door is locked. From the inside.

Red is unlikely to remember a single moment in her life when she turns her head so quickly. For a second, it seems to her that if she had turned her head a little faster, she would have simply broken her neck. A storm of emotions rushes through the girl when she sees an unexpected visitor. But one emotion is strongest of all - the desire to punch the visitor in the throat.

"Ghost, what the hell?!" the psychologist hisses at the masked intruder angrily. His face is covered by that stupid emo mask like always yet she can see the amusement in his eyes. "And how the fuck did you get in? The door was closed."

"I knocked, you didn't answer so... I just opened it." Lieutenant shrugs, stepping back, giving her space, as she takes off the headphones.

"Just opened it? Really?" Readhead can only skeptically look at the soldier, feeling the desire... desire to punch him. And maybe kiss him. Yeah, and desire to kiss him too.

"You are working with SAS soldiers." Ghost makes a simple yet real point. That's true. She works with the most dangerous men. The amount of skills they have that she doesn't know about is huge. Red doesn't even want to think about it.

"That was a cute dance, by the way."

Red could have sworn she heard the teasing tone in his voice. And for a moment she thinks she might choke him. She leaves no witnesses of her... dances.

"How long were you watching?.. Wait. No. Don't answer that." The psychologist shakes her head, falling down on the chair, feeling the embarrassment but trying not to give it away.

A light chuckle is heard from the masked man, which makes Red think for the millionth time about the plan of running away to the other side of the planet. This work is just too much.

She only shakes her head, taking the pills out of her bag.

"Did I scare you that much that you need sedatives?" Ghost asks jokingly, not understanding that what he has said is partially true.

"Antidepressants actually," Red speaks up after a short pause. She can see curiosity in his eyes.

"How are you working as a psychologist if you yourself need a psychologist?" Ghost looks at Red, smirking under the mask and waiting for an answer.

"No one would understand mentally unstable people better than another mentally unstable person," Red chuckles, hinting that Ghost himself is not as stable as he appears. No one on the team is one hundred percent fine and stable, and that's why they are so good at what they do.

"Being unstable is a blessing in a way..." Red smiles softly, swinging her high-heeled leg. "You guys use your rage and bottled-up feelings on the battlefield while still keeping a cold head and calm mind."

"I know you feel uncomfortable at the thought of me psychoanalyzing you," the woman continues, noticing the stern look of the man in the mask and a small glimpse of curiosity.

Lieutenant just lookes at her silently for a few moments before speaking up. "That wouldn't be much appreciated."

"Oh, I won't. People come to therapy in hopes of resolving their own issues. You, on the other hand... you prefer the chaos, keeps you on your toes, isn't it?" The redheaded woman tilts her head, as if looking straight through the mask.

"I wouldn't be here, in an elite military group, if my head was just chaos and nothing else," an annoyed sigh was heard from the soldier. "Psych evaluations are a big deal, you know?"

"Oh, yes, definitely... you are the best of the best soldiers, the most sane of all. And the most dedicated. You, my dear friend, know exactly why you do what you do as a job yet immense grief is following you somehow, instead of pride for many saved souls," she straightens her back, leaning closer to the soldier. "You are a badass, you know that?"

Ghost can't help but chuckle. "We went straight from you psychoanalyzing me, even though I asked you not to, to compliments." Lieutenant shakes his head in amusement.

He knew she probably wouldn't follow his request yet here he is, sitting on the couch in her office, watching her sort the papers and files.

"And yet... you're always here, Lieutenant."

Tag list: @cloudofbutterflies92 @chloekistune @justasmolbard

[candiid-caniine]

[cw: infidelity, mention of doxxing]

sometimes i wonder if there aren't secret kinksters reading this blog. people in totally vanilla relationships...for now...

imagine you're in such a vanilla relationship. you don't really do anything adventurous. you call having sex "making love." and then one day your partner leaves their phone open. it's not that you mean to snoop, you trust them, but you catch the words "whore" and "puppycunt" and you have to know. as far as you know, they don't read erotica--hell, maybe you're one of those couples for whom watching porn seems akin to cheating, even!

so you look. and you scroll. and there's my blog. maybe even asks sent anonymously, but with little turns of phrase or metaphors that make you highly suspicious your partner sent them in. you're angry. disgusted. hurt. who is this sopping bitch your partner seems so fixated on? you quickly copy the name of this blog down before your partner comes back for their phone.

you don't know why you don't confront them right then. perhaps you're determined to make me pay for my role in this betrayal, find some information you can use to hurt me like you've been hurt. or maybe you need to discern what's so special about my blog, what dissatisfactions your partner might have been yearning to remedy. so you return here in the dead of night, relishing in the sick twist of your stomach. it's almost cathartic, giving in to disgust and anger.

you could be aiming to doxx me, working some obsessive divination over the times i'm "at work" or "back home" or "going to bed," picking through the backgrounds of my scant few photos, looking for clues. you imagine composing long, angry screeds to me, threatening me, calling me every filthy slut-shaming name you can think of, but it kind of steals your thunder that i'm into it, doesn't it...? because every ask seems to have some undertone of "you're a pathetic little whore, and it's even more pathetic that you wag your tail when people tell you that, dumb dog," on and on, telling me how stupid i am for not caring about being called names, insulted, threatened, degraded...and i just lap it up.

and it's then you get frustrated with me, because you're realizing i'm just so dumb and fucked-up that i can't even really be blamed. you can't find anything hinting at manipulation or self-aggrandizement or maliciousness or jealousness at all, just the shallow, instinct-driven creature-whines for attention, no matter how bad or divided or cruel. back to disgust: that your partner could be so easily swayed by something so pitiful and thoughtless; you thought they were deep, they were intellectual. there is nothing charming about me.

yet...still, you keep returning. the longer it goes on, the longer you watch in sick, dull fascination, the longer it becomes your small infidelity, your dirty little secret. because if it was a one-sided thing, you'd have confronted them a long time ago, wouldn't you? night after night, you wonder where the line is before you've trespassed equally, before it becomes your guilt to bear.

maybe it's a few days. maybe it's a few weeks. maybe your moment of clear action, rather than simple reaction, is when you send that first ask telling me how badly you wanted to blame me for your relationship issues, but how clear it is that i'm too pathetic to even be a threat. or maybe it's when i respond telling you to take it out on me anyway, that i'm sorry, that i should be punished. or maybe it's whn you send that follow-up ask with a task to debase myself in penance, or maybe it's when i actually do it.

maybe you can rationalize your engagement as a cry for help, for attention, hoping your partner will realize, catch you, be the one to start the discussion. or maybe at this point it's just therapeutic to periodically remind yourself of how pathetic i am, how nothing i am. after all...is it really cheating if i'm so far below real person?

[threadsun]

Ah, saving the best for last, for me anyhow, I love this fucking himbo. That’s right, we’re talking about Mr. Haberdae himself, or should I say Mr. Cullman, because this story starts much farther back than his name change. Joseph grew up in a loveless home, his parents only sticking together because a divorce was more work than either of them cared to put in. His folks never hit him, they hardly ever looked at him, that was until he started causing trouble

He fell in with a gang in middle school, the members having taken a shine to him when he stole a pack of his dad’s cigarettes and gave it to them. He got most of his bad habits from his gang, smoking, fighting, and just generally causing mischief. Joseph loved it, he was finally seen, as one hell of a fighter by his friends, and someone to keep an eye on by his parents, but it couldn’t last forever. Joseph’s dad finally decided to do his job and talked to him about it, and then they started yelling at each other

It escalated, he didn’t mean for it to, he doesn't even remember his father’s final words, only coming to when the old man was cold at his feet. He sat there for a long time, his face completely blank but his mind racing. He was just a kid, a high schooler, he wasn’t supposed to be strong enough to kill anyone, he isn’t strong enough to live with all of this, how did this happen, why why why why why-

When he looked out the window it was dark, not a star in the sky, no light, no warmth, just him and his dad’s cold body. He left that night, packed up whatever he could fit in his school backpack, and started walking, he couldn’t run, he was too numb to the world to even try. He stayed like that for a good while, picking up small jobs here and there to keep some cash in his pocket before setting off again

While hitchhiking on the side of some highway he saw a man trying to change his tire on the side of the road. He offered to help the man, his dad didn’t teach him much but he always did love his cars, so he knew a thing or two about changing a flat. After helping him the man offered to drive Joseph to the nearest town, which he happily took him up on, the summer heat making the poor boy sweat buckets

The man drove him all the way to town, the town, and told him he could stay as long as he’d like, he even had a guest room in his house if he wanted it. Joseph couldn’t believe what he was hearing, agreeing without hesitation, and even promising to earn his keep. He became the town’s mechanic, though he didn’t get to work on many cars. The town was, and still is, pretty small, you could easily walk the whole town, and most do

The only cars in town belong to the founder and Berry, though any repairs he does on it have to be on-site for some reason. With how much the guy pays Jo just chooses to keep his mouth shut. Most of the things he ends up repairing are kitchen appliances, washers, dryers, and old TVs. He likes it, he spent so much of his time breaking things a few years ago he finds it therapeutic to spend his time fixing things now

It took a while for him to settle in, everyone was just so friendly here, so full of life. Not to mention the weird dog person thing that kept growling at him whenever he passed. The growling eventually stopped once Joseph started giving a bit of his dinner to him every night, he didn’t have much of an appetite those first few months anyway, not with the weight still on his shoulders. The founder is very welcoming, treating Joseph like a son, even comparing him with Jean on occasion, though he never did this in front of Jean himself

Joseph loved the founder with all his heart, though he did move out eventually, saying he didn’t want to take advantage of his generosity any more than he already had. He stays in the town of course, no one ever leaves the town, but he gets his own place, somewhere he can really call his

It happened on a quiet Thursday afternoon, Joseph was fixing Mrs. Tobin’s blender, again, when he heard it, Bo’s howl. He got there as quick as he could but he couldn't stay long. He couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t look at his cold body. He walked back home as numb as he was that one dark night and started to wash his hands, but no matter what he did the blood wouldn’t come off, it was under his nails, under his skin, in his head, and there’s nothing that can wash that away

He stays like that, numb for the second time in his life. The only reason he doesn’t start walking again is because he keeps hearing about you. You’ll surely come now that the founder is dead, that’s what everyone else is saying anyway. You’re the only hope he has left, you’re the only chance he has to feel again. Even if it means you have to crack him open, spit in his eye, rip his heart to sheds, please, just make him feel again

And, that’s it! For the back stories anyhow. I’ll be working on how you meet everyone next but if you have anything you’d like to know in particular feel free to leave it in the tags or response its self. I really love this au and I can’t wait for you to meet everyone in the present day. Hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself! : D

Yesssssss I love him sooooooo much!!!! Poor guy tho, so traumatised 😔 I'm super curious about why Barry has a car, and also about how Jean felt when the founder showed up with Joseph 👀

[wordsmithwhumpsandfluff]

So here's a question @bellysoupset asked me, and it's a fun one: What is one item each of your OC's is never (or rarely) without?

(Also happy to do spicy asks but I'm not sure if that's your thing and I don't want to overstep).

Ok, firstly, I do not mind spicy asks😌. Just putting that out there😉. I don't write much spicy stuff, but that's just cuz I suck at it. But spicy asks are fine.👍

Second, here's the answer to your question:

Oliver always has a pen. He's a journalist and is always jotting down new ideas for articles for the college paper, or for new stories in general. And if he doesn't have some paper to write on, he writes on himself. He'd probably have some ink on his elbow or something for a week and won't remember what the hell was even written there.

Isaac always has his phone. It's everything to him. It's how he talks to his friends and family, he plays stupid games when he's bored, he listens to music, or whatever. He will not leave anywhere unless he's sure he's got his phone on him.

Spirit has an old brown wallet that's basically falling apart, but it was her dad's so she keeps it and takes it everywhere. Also, she's broke AF and will not let that think out of her sight cuz she needs her cash😭.

Birdie usually brings a water bottle everywhere she goes, but never has water in it. She likes to fidget with its handle, and she always has orange juice (her fav) inside of it. Also, when any of her friends (*ahem* Spirit *ahem*) are exhausted or low-energy, she forces them to drink some for the vitamin C.😎👍

Aiden always has a book on him. He wears pants with big pockets usually, and fits a book inside them so he can read in any situation that bores him or that he doesn't want to deal with.

Jordan also always has her phone. Online shopping? Games? Instagram? FaceTime? YouTube? You can NOT take away this girl's lifeline! Also, she totally made a TikTok account just for posting Eliana's artwork, soooo...👀 Yeah, she's not leaving that thing anywhere.

Eliana has a mini-sketchbook. She doesn't bring it everywhere, but most places she does. It's a little thing barely bigger than her palm, and it's therapeutic and helpful for her to just be able to draw if she's overwhelmed or stressed.

Amberlynn doesn't really keep anything specific on her. She has a little checklist in her head (phone, wallet, keys. . .) but nothing specific that she'd take everywhere. Just the essentials. . . and maybe some stickers.

Keiko has a first-aid kid. Actually, he has a box full of them. He bought mini-first-aid kits in bulk, and brings them to all group outings. In true mom-friend fashion, he always says "Better safe than sorry". Those idiots stress him out too much.🥲

Felix has a sewing kit in his pocket. He always had one in case he or a friend or his boyfriend ever have a tear or a broken bag or something, and he can make it perfect again. #fashionQueen

Atticus has a TON of hair ties and scrunchies, and he always has at least five with him at all times. He loves having his long hair loose, but sometimes he just needs to have it tied up, or Felix starts hinting about how sexy his manbun is😘.

[typekiku]

Thoughts on Mahoyo Movie

hello hello everyone!

how are all my fellow type moon fans and other "people" doing?

good? good!

anyways so i saw some shit takes going around on the net and decided i would write out my opinions on them here. screaming into the void can be real therapeutic especially for a fellow mahoyo fan like myself.

without further ado here i go

AOKO RINFACE?!?!

(Ignore the somewhat low-quality picture here.)

This is probably the funniest take since it actually is the very opposite: Rin is based off Aoko!

"bUt hOw kIkU? "You poor lost soul may be thinking, and this is actually correct. FSN did, in fact, come out almost a decade before Witch on the Holy Night did. Congratulations, you are right! Pat yourself on the back, champ.

With that being said, Rin is still based off Aoko! Don't believe me? Let's see what Nasu himself has to say on this matter.

NASU: Yes, the heroine with glasses from old "Fate" named Ayaka Sajyou had a rival character who was a total rich-kid, spoiled heiress type. She would look down on you and laugh at you, like Luvia. Her servant was the Lancer. You could say she was the basis for Rin's character. When Shirou snagged the main character position for "stay night", it was this character who transformed into Rin to fill the rival role. We wanted Shirou's rival to be more likeable than the snobby heiress, though, so we took inspiration from Aoko Aozaki, a character Takeuchi and I both like. Azaka, Akiha, and Rin are all Aoko-type characters, but I'd say Rin is the most like Aoko. I really didn't feel like making "Witch on the Holy Night" when we were working on "stay night", so I made the executive decision to create a feminine Aoko. Though I suppose she turned out to be more of a clumsy Aoko than a feminine Aoko... Takeuchi seemed to intuitively understand what I was going for, and his "Fate version Aoko" meshed well with my vision for Rin.

from : Fate/ Character Material II

(https://tri-hermes.org/Materials/cmii-rin.html)

So yes, indeed, Rin was based on Aoko. If you are still confused on how this is possible, you must understand that Witch on the Holy Night is one of Nasu's very first works, written all the way back in 1996, being an almost 500-page novel at the time.

It was obviously shelved for a long while, but the characters within it have remained influential, showing up throughout various different works of Nasu's, but especially Aoko and Touko, who would go on to be important throughout the Nasuverse.

(Also, Soichiro Kuzuki is basically a colder soujuuro and probably even from the same organization.)

Hell, we even have some original artwork from how Aoko looked back then. Compared to how Rin looks now, they don't really look that similar, to be honest.

Now this Aoko, drawn by Takeuchi in TYPE MOON character material all the way back in 2006, after fate/stay night, could be argued to look a lot like Rin, but even that would be a stretch of the imagination (and eyes).

Regardless, what is my point here? Its silly to call Aoko a rin face when:

a) She doesn't even really look like Rin (I'm not even going to bring up Koyama's version of Aoko since that's meaningless).

b) She precedes Rin in both having been created before her and designed before her.

That doesn't mean the movie version of Aoko doesn't look like Rin, because not only does she kind of look like her, but it's probably intentionally meant to provoke these kinds of takes since, in the eyes of most of the audience for Witch on the Holy Night, Aoko might as well be a completely new character.

Honestly? who cares? This "Aoko looks like Rin" business pales in comparison to a bigger worry of mine... How will Ufotable properly adapt Mahoyo?

Mahoyo is a visual novel that has more quiet scenes than action, and will they really manage to adapt that well or lean more into flashy, hyped action scenes?

This worry of mine stems from Ufotables Heaven Feel films, which while I still thoroughly enjoyed, I felt disappointed at all the cut scenes that served to establish the relationship between Illya and Shirou, and likewise the cut scenes between Shirou and Kirei, which are both just as important as Sakura to the main story.

Instead of focusing on the main climax of Heaven's Feel and the climax of the whole FSN, which is Shirou's final battle with Kirei, they extended the Salter vs. Rider fight and made it out to be the centerpiece of the route, which it is in fact not.

Judging from the trailer it will likely adapt up to at least chapter 6 which leaves the rest for maybe another film? possibly even a trilogy which i mean i just don't see happening to be frank but i could be surprised!

Most importantly....

WHERE IS MY FATE ROUTE ANIME DAMN IT??? I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG... TEN YEARS AT LEAST!

ahem

So yes, that is all I have to say on this matter. I'm both excited to finally get to see Mahoyo in film and for others to get into this series that I so love! It will be great to see others get into it, even if it is possibly a shitty adaptation.

also seeing others call this a fate spinoff physically hurts

Thanks for reading my rant of the day!

cyaaa

[psychic-winged-turtle]

Jude Totally Doesn't Have a Crush, Part 3

“Wait… your name is Jeremiah?” Jude asks incredulously. “Where did the nickname Leo come from?”

“It was-” Leo pauses to sigh, not in a bothered way but instead in the way that he had to take a breath to avoid choking up. “It was my brother’s name. His name was Leonard.”

“Oh.” Jude feels a bit awkward now. He didn’t mean to bring up a topic that is clearly sensitive to Leo. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. It was a long time ago.” Leo says, though his tone suggests that it isn’t. Or, at the very least, his tone suggests that time has not yet healed this wound.

Jude shifts and his chair creaks in the silence. The conversation is halted and Jude does not quite know where to pick back up. Should he ask about Leo’s brother? It seems like a sensitive topic, so maybe not. But, then again, isn’t it supposed to be therapeutic to talk about lost loved ones? He could change the topic, but then he may seem like he doesn’t care about Leo’s grief and that would probably be rude.

Leo starts chuckling and Jude looks over at him in surprise. “What’s funny?��� He asks, a bit incredulously.

“It’s nothing. It’s just that… when I said that Leonard died you got the most constipated look on your face.” Leo says with a small smile. “You just looked so out of depth for a second.”

“Well, I’m glad you find my social inadequacies humorous.” Jude says, his face beginning to turn a light shade of pink. Of course Leo can tell how shit he is at these things.

“Hey, it’s not that weird to not know what to say when someone talks about losing a family member. You would not believe the kind of shit that I got growing up.” Leo leans forward in his chair, drawing Jude’s attention away from his own embarrassment. “I mean… there was this one guy who said something along the lines of ‘now I get the advantages of being an only child’ like - what? Who the fuck says that to a kid who just lost his brother?”

“Are you serious? Someone said that?” Jude’s face must be shocked again because Leo starts laughing.

“Yeah!” Leo exclaims. “Like, what the hell? When I tell you that I almost beat that guy's ass… oh, boy. I was ready to go to jail then and there.”

Jude nods in agreement. “I think that would have been a valid reason… though I’m glad you didn’t because then we wouldn’t have met.”

“Heh. That’s awfully cheesy.” Leo jokes while Jude’s face goes red for probably the zillienth time today.

“What can I say? I like you an awful lot.” Jude decides to say, because if he’s going to be embarrassed he might as well go all in.

Leo smiles at him. “Thank you, Jude. I like you a lot too. I’m real glad that you and David met.”

Jude smiles back at him and ignores the starving butterflies trying to eat him from the inside out. Whatever weird affection he developed for David and Leo in the beginning has stubbornly refused to go away. In fact, it’s times like these that remind Jude that his feelings only seem to have gotten worse. He takes a moment to remind himself that Leo only likes him as a friend before he speaks again.

“So… doesn’t the movie start in, like, fifteen minutes? Where the hell is David?”

While Leo busies himself calling David, Jude contents himself to fade into the background for a bit. He’s been practicing this. Take a breath. Feel the emotion but let it go. The butterflies will leave and so will the deep-seated dread that they hide. Everything is okay. He can enjoy being around David and Leo without catastrophizing about how much they’d hate him if they figured out what he thought about… because they definitely would. They’re in a perfectly happy relationship, and here Jude is, pining after the two of them. They’d probably be disgusted with the thoughts that he has. I mean, who the hell would want some degenerate interfering with their relationship. Jude has barely gotten an apartment, much less anything else. He has nothing to offer other than insecurity and a rampant drug addiction. What would they say if they figured out about that? Would they look at him differently? Would they hate him? Would they never want to see him again?

He’s been doing well, but it isn’t good enough. He had such a long streak, fifty-one days, and then he had one moment of weakness that spiraled him out of control. David and Leo couldn’t hang out because Leo was sick. That’s fine. It was fine. Jude doesn’t know why it sent him out of control, but before he knew it he was high as a kite wandering the streets like he used to. What would they say if they knew he did that? That one bad day sends him out of control? That the thought of them leaving him makes him want to cut out his stomach from the dread that curls up there and that no matter what he does he can’t seem to stop beating himself up over every little thing. Jude’s thoughts go around and around in circles. He feels like his mind is on a carousel and he can’t find a way to get off. He can’t feel his body anymore and he isn’t quite sure why he needs to. It takes a long moment before he remembers that he isn’t alone right now. He’s doing something. With someone. But it feels so far away and the room is fuzzy and cold and his head is full of fog. He thinks he might hear someone’s voice. It’s Leo’s voice. He’s with Leo. He’s with Leo. He’s with Leo.

Jude cuts off his own thoughts. Now is not the time to spiral. Put it on a shelf. David is on his way and they are going to a movie. Just focus on that. Just focus on the fact that Leo is looking at him now and he seems concerned for some reason.

“Uh, what?” Jude’s voice sounds strained, even to himself, and there’s a slight ringing in his ears.

“Are you okay?” Leo left his chair at some point. He’s knelt on the ground next to Jude… wait, wasn’t Jude also in a chair?”

Jude has to take a deep breath before he can speak. He feels like there’s no air in his lungs. “I-I’m okay.” His face feels wet… and he’s definitely on the ground. What happened?

Leo looks like he doesn’t believe him. “Are you sure? That seemed like a pretty bad panic attack. You couldn’t even respond to me.”

A panic attack? Is that what that was? Jude’s heard about them, but he never thought that he experienced them himself. Yeah, he gets nervous sometimes and he occasionally spirals a bit, but he didn’t think it was that bad.

“No, yeah. I’m fine. I just… got lost in thought.” Great excuse, Jude. Truly. That will definitely explain away this situation.

“Okay. If you say so.” Leo says, not looking any less concerned. “Though, if you aren’t feeling up to going out we could do it another day. I don’t want to stress you out.”

“No! I’m good to go.” Jude almost adds ‘please don’t make me leave’ but that seems like it may lead to further questions. Unfortunately, the desperation in Jude’s voice is probably already leading to questions considering the fact that Leo definitely looks like he has a few.

“If you’re sure…” Leo must decide that it isn’t worth it to try and talk about this with Jude, even if he seems like he wants to. “David’ll be here in a few. Do you need anything before we head out?”

“I… I’m just going to run to the bathroom real quick.” Jude replies. He shoots up rather quickly, causing himself to get light headed and stumble. Leo reaches out to try and steady him, but he manages with a wall and small steps.

When he gets to the bathroom he takes a moment to assess the damage. He definitely cried. He doesn’t really know why. He doesn’t know why any of these things happen. He wishes he could just be… normal. That he could approach these relationships with some kind of confidence rather than just absolute fear.

Jude rinses his face off and waits until he hears David come in. He doesn’t want to risk Leo asking more questions. Once he does hear David’s voice, Jude leaves the bathroom.

“Are you two ready to head out? We’re already running late.” David says from his spot near the door.

“You say that as if it isn’t your fault.” Jude jokes as he grabs his bag.

“Hey! I was working! I just… lost track of time.” David says.

“I’m sure your patient’s will appreciate your dedication one day, David. In the meantime, get a watch.” Leo says with a laugh. Jude joins in as they step outside and walk to David’s car.

“I have a watch!” David holds up his arm and points to it for emphasis.

“And it’s doing you a whole lot of good.” Leo says.

David crosses his arm and drags his feet a bit until Jude and Leo get on each side of him to drag him along. “C’mon, you’re going to make us even more late.” Jude says.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever…” David rolls his eyes. “What movie are we seeing, by the way?”

“Baby Driver.” Jude answers.

“That’s a stupid movie name.”

“Shut up, David. Just get in the car.” Jude replies again.

By the time that they get to the theater, Jude has already forgotten about his earlier spiral. He just focuses on enjoying his night out with David and Leo. Spirals are for when he’s alone in bed where they won’t bother anyone else. Why should he feel lonely when he’s with his favorite people? That would just be silly. He isn’t lonely. Or scared. Or sad. He’s watching a movie and that’s all that matters right now.

[musicprincess1990]

An Ode to Traveling Solo

Disclaimer: I've had some wine, and I'm feeling philosophical, so... yeah.

There is something so empowering about traveling alone. Don't get me wrong, I love going places with family or friends, but I looooove traveling with just me and my Spotify account.

I guess it comes from being a bit of a control freak, not to mention a rebel at heart. I love not having to follow anyone's schedule but my own, and having the freedom to plan things that I enjoy without thinking about whether someone else will like it. I can eat Indian food, spend an hour or two browsing some local shops, sing along to Three Days Grace in the car at full volume, take an extra long bubble bath, and sleep like a starfish in a king-size bed.

(And yes, I did do all of those things today. Except for the sleeping, but ohhhh boy, I'm about to!)

I also really enjoy disconnecting from my everyday life. I love my family, I like my job and the people I work with, and I have a really good life. But it's so nice to put my phone on silent and just focus on me. Some might consider this self-centered behavior, but considering how much time I spend every single day focusing on everyone except me, I disagree. It's healthy. It's therapeutic. It's necessary.

I've taken several "me-cations" since I got my first car, and I've learned more about myself during those trips than at any other time in my life. I learned to love myself while on a solo trip. I learned that I'm funny as hell. I learned that my favorite coffee is that high caffeine stuff at Maverik gas stations, especially when mixed with hazelnut cream. I learned that KFC is my guilty pleasure comfort food. I learned, much to my surprise at the time, that I am an introvert.

I learned that I'm a chameleon, that I tend to mimic those around me because I think that's what they want, and it's the only way they'll keep me around.

I learned that my true self is worth showing... and worth loving... and that anyone who doesn't love my true self isn't worth my time.

And I learned all of that while in my car listening to Fall Out Boy (or Disney soundtracks... or both).

Long rant aside, I think everyone should experience solo travel at least once in their life. You might find you don't like it, but you just as easily might find you love it. Whether you travel or not, though, take time to get to know yourself, to figure out what makes you, you. And most importantly, love yourself. ❤️

(I'm gonna go sleep like a starfish now.)