#it's such its own thing. my advice to anyone actually new is to watch a clip or two of gameplay and decide based on that

[firingstars]

neighborly advice | ch. 10 [FINAL]

bucky barnes x reader

summary: you and bucky finally discuss what your relationship is.

warnings: 18+, mdni, smut, oral (male receiving), riding, language, bucky's kinda? submissive, angst, fluff, happy ending! yippee!, no use of y/n, alternating pov's, bucky briefly gets in his head with the self loathing, he stalks for like two seconds, peter is your best friend now!

word count: 7.8k

a/n: its over :') what am i to DOOOOOOOO i will miss this characterization of reader i thought she was so funny lmfao idk if anyone does this but i legit made myself giggle more than a few times

previous chapter | masterlist

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to approach her in the upcoming days. He was home, and realized quickly that he shouldn’t be avoiding the apartment he paid for to hide in the compound because he was afraid of a little confrontation. Or rejection, actually. Bucky was very clearly hellbent on the fact that this was a rejection waiting to happen.

Even when he was in his apartment, he stayed silent. He didn’t want her to know he was home. He knew it was foolish, stupid, that he was just delaying the inevitable, but he couldn’t help himself. Bucky was at a loss.

It wasn’t difficult for Bucky to find out that she had finally gotten a new lab and new sponsor– both of which were long term commitments written out by contract that would not be broken any time soon. It also wasn’t that hard to find out that Peter was her only teammate helping her work on her technology. 

How close were the two of them able to get in his absence? They had to be close enough, he realized, for her to have gone out drinking with the guy then bring him home.

Bucky didn’t even want to imagine what happened once they crossed the threshold of her apartment door. Did anything else happen where he couldn’t hear? Did things progress quickly between the two of them? Was there someone else that she looked at with that fond smile and sparkling eyes that he adored?

Bucky was never an insecure man. Though he had baggage and some self loathing issues, he had no issue with himself in terms of appearance. Sam never stopped reminding him, either. Yet, this boy, this other man seemed to fit her side much better.

Another university student, much closer to age to her than he would ever be. This kid understood technology, and the two of them would be able to bond over their shared love of science on a level that he wouldn’t be able to converse with her on. Peter looked softer, kinder, and seemed much more gentle than he could ever be. Bucky even looked into Peter’s background, just to make sure that he wasn’t secretly a criminal. Bucky’s heart dropped when he realized he couldn’t even hate the kid. There was nothing that he had done wrong in his entire life.

So, Bucky watched from afar. He felt like some sort of fucking stalker doing this, but he couldn’t help himself. If she was happy with someone else, then who was he to deny her of that happiness? He watched as the two of them would grab lunch together in between research and classes. He felt every inch of pain radiate through his body when she would laugh at something that kid said, and hate seeing the smile on her face– hate that it wasn’t him that she was smiling for.

Peter was a stable choice for her, Bucky decided on his own. Perhaps it would be better for her to find someone normal, he thought. Someone that wouldn’t leave her behind for days to weeks at a time because the world needed him, when all he wanted to do was stay by her side. Bucky realized that he wouldn’t be able to provide her the stability that she deserved, no matter how hard he would try to provide it to her. 

“So your boyfriend–”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“So your not-boyfriend, hot neighbor that you’re sleeping with goes on business trips that call for absolute silence, and you’re still pining for him? Am I getting this right?” Peter asked you with a raised eyebrow.

You let out a deep sigh, burying your face in your hands. “You make it sound so bad.”

“I’m not gonna lie… I think that’s kinda bad. Really bad,” Peter said, giving you a look from across the lab table. You groaned deeply.

“Why did I even ask you for advice if you were just gonna point out the obvious?” you asked him with a frown.

“Well, hold on. I’m still trying to process this,” Peter said quickly, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat up straight on the lab stool. “Have you tried texting him first? Calling him?”

“I mean– I did. The other day,” you admit– because you did. You texted him in the middle of the day, hoping that wherever he was the sun was also out. It wasn’t anything large or grand, but just a simple question.

Are you doing okay?

Your phone alerted you that your message was not delivered almost immediately. Multiple scenarios were running through your mind at the time. Maybe his phone was dead or turned off. Dead, since Bucky’s possibly always on the move during his missions. Turned off so there would be no signal interference, or maybe someone was tracking his phone and he needed to go off the radar.

Or maybe, he blocked your number. He didn’t want to talk to you anymore. 

You didn’t even think of the possibility that he was dead somewhere. It was the most unlikely scenario to you. Bucky, in all his glory and strength, couldn’t die. Maybe he would sustain one bad injury every once in a while, but the super soldier was resilient. 

You were more than certain that he blocked you.

“And what? Nothing in return?”

“He can’t have his phone with him during these… business deals…” you said slowly, trying to find the right words to describe his job. Honestly, you might be making Bucky sound like even more of an asshole by not being truthful about his job, but you can’t just expose him like that. 

“Right… Why? Did he ever say that? Tell you why he can’t?”

“It’s sensitive information that he deals with.” You shrug, trying to seem nonchalant about the fact the man you have a crush on has a metal arm, and was recently a wanted criminal all over the world. 

“Do you realize how insane you sound?” Peter asked, giving you a look of concern.

“Yes! Okay, God– Can you be better at girl talk? Why do all guys try to solve the issue at hand when girls complain? I just want you to listen to me, agree that it’s a problem, and then whine with me!” you exclaimed at him. 

“I’ve never had girl talk before, so I’m also learning the fundamentals on how this works,” he quickly said. 

“Did MJ not ever complain to you about issues she had with her friends?” you frowned at him.

“Well, MJ was kinda a self made loner,” Peter said, a small smile coming onto his face as he recalled memories of his maybe-ex-girlfriend. “She became friends with my best friend because I introduced them. Otherwise, it was just the three of us together. She didn’t really have other friends to complain about.”

“Why don’t you get Dr. Strange to undo the spell he did?” you sighed, running your hand through your hair.

“Because it would destroy the multiverse. Weren’t you listening when I told you?” Peter asked, frowning.

“I mean, I was, but I still think you’re full of shit,” you tell him. “Come in here with the suit on and then I might believe you.”

Peter sighed deeply and rolled his eyes, but there’s a smile on his face. 

The two of you had gotten especially close after that night you went drinking. He crashed on your sofa after you dragged him up the five flights of stairs, and thankfully did not throw up everywhere. When you woke up, he seemed to remember what he had told you the night before and looked absolutely horrified that you knew his ‘secret.’ 

After telling him that you didn’t really believe a drunk man’s words, he ended up confessing to you about the whole situation. You’d be lying if you said you understood everything right away. The multiverse? Different versions of him coming to Earth, along with other enemies that were going to threaten the collapse of all universes?

Then again, you remember Thanos and being snapped out of existence, so maybe it wasn’t such a far fetched story in the end. 

Either way, it seemed like a weight had been lifted from Peter’s shoulders after he confessed it to you– to somebody. You still weren’t sure if you believed it, but the look of desperation on his face was enough for you to tell him that you were someone that wouldn’t forget him. He cried that morning, saying that he’d felt so alone for so long.

You felt a sort of kinship with the guy.

“How many times have you contacted him since he left?” Peter asked, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Just… once,” you muttered, looking away. You can feel the weight of Peter’s eyes on you, taking in the two words that you managed to force out.

“Are you sure that you like him?” 

“I don’t like your accusatory tone right now, Parker,” you said, head turning to look at him again. The boy raises an eyebrow at you, waiting for you to explain yourself. You sigh deeply. “I– I’m not his girlfriend, you know? What if I’m clingy about it? If I start texting him all the time when he’s gone, then what does that look like? What if I bother him?”

Peter sighed deeply. “I honestly don’t even know what to say about this. I’m bad at relationships, but this just seems messy in a way that I can’t help.”

“Ugh,” you groaned, dropping your head onto the lab table. 

At the very least, finally being able to talk to someone about all of this made your shoulders feel lighter. Peter, despite his comments, had no judgement in his eyes. Honestly, you think he’s just worried for you. Which, you can’t even be mad about. If this were someone else’s situation, you would be reacting the same exact way that Peter was.

“Alright, let’s go,” he said with a sigh, standing up.

“Where?” you asked with a sad frown.

“To the deli. I realize that girl talk makes me hungry.”

You let out a scoff at that, but move to grab your things as well. You shove some notebooks into your bag as well as a couple of other trinkets that you’ll work on at home tonight, and you pick up your phone. You swallow as you tap on the screen, watching it come to life.

You can’t hide the disappointment on your face.

No new notifications.

Your phone gets shoved to the deepest part of your bookbag as you follow Peter out the door. You have no appetite to eat. You haven’t had an appetite the past four weeks at all. You know that Peter would break down your apartment door if you didn’t join him to eat at least once a day whenever you guys were together– which was almost every single day at this point. You were certain that you saw his face more than you saw your own in a mirror. 

“What if he hates me?” you suddenly asked him.

“Oh my God. Please, no more,” he begged you, sincere.

Peter walked you back to your apartment after the two of you ate at the deli. The sun was going down, and it was a common occurrence for him to bring you home on the late nights that you guys worked together.

“Spider-Man things,” he said with a shrug. “I feel better knowing that you got home safe.”

“Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, huh?” you chuckled as you got up to the fifth floor. You’re unlocking the door when Peter grabs your arm, stopping you.

“You said your neighbor isn’t home, right?” he asked, frowning.

“He normally texts me when he is,” you nod. “Which he hasn’t.”

“I can hear movement on the inside of his apartment,” he said, his voice dropping to a whisper as he stared at Bucky’s door. You pause, trying to focus on your own hearing. You don’t hear jack shit. You turn back to him with a frown of your own, and he lets out a deep sigh. “Spidey senses.”

“Spidey senses,” you repeat, your voice dry. “What’s next? You're gonna tell me the deli meat was two hours from expiring because of Spidey taste buds?”

“Okay, founder of regenerative nanotechnological medicine, I’m sorry that I don’t have long scientific names to explain what my abilities are!” he hissed at you.

“It’s just a little hard to believe that you’re fucking Spider-Man when you refuse to stick onto the wall like a spider!” you hiss back. You’re not even sure why the two of you are whispering. Bucky isn’t here.

“Oh my God, is that what it’ll take for you to believe me? For me to hang upside down on the ceiling?” 

“Wouldn’t that make you Batman?” you asked, fighting a grin.

“HA! HA!” he laughed sarcastically at you, with just those two syllables. 

You’re about to burst out into real laughter when the door beside yours opens. You both freeze, turning to the door. Your mouth falls agape, staring. Bucky’s there, staring right back at you– staring at where Peter has a hand on your arm.

“Buck–”

“Your boyfriend is the Winter fucking Soldier?” Peter asked, cutting you off. Your head whips over to him now, eyes wide in panic and shock.

“What the fuck! Keep your voice down!” you whisper-shout at him. “How the hell do you know that–”

“Holy shit! You got a vibranium arm now, too? I thought King T’Challa hated you,” Peter continued, ignoring you to stare at Bucky’s metal arm. 

You’re staring at him, more confusion painting your features as you do. Then, Peter turns to face you, pointing at Bucky.

“I fought him, as Spider-Man. Do you remember that Sokovia Accords bullshit? I was on Iron Man’s side,” he quickly tells you, and there's a notable excitement in his voice. “I was like, fifteen years old, and he punched me real hard a couple times. Steve, too. I had a black eye for like, two weeks.”

You take a deep breath, your mind spinning. “Peter. What the fuck ar you talking about?”

“Don’t Peter me!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “You made him seem like such an asshole, ignoring your texts for a business trip? You could’ve just said it was the Winter Soldier and I would’ve understood why he has to fucking ignore you when he’s on those so-called business trips!” 

“Peter–”

“You texted me?” Bucky asked, his voice soft, cutting the two of you off. Your breath hitches as you turn to look at him again, and you nod wordlessly. Bucky blinks at you, eyebrows furrowing. “My phone… is in the ocean, somewhere. I have a new number– just got a new phone the other day.”

“See!?” Peter exclaimed. “The Winter Soldier– oh my God. You’re insufferable, you know that? You really could’ve just said it was him–”

“You’re so fucking loud, we’re in the middle of the hallway, Parker,” you hissed, pushing your door open to shove Peter inside. “Why don’t you just announce his identity to the rest of the damn building?”

“Sorry, Sergeant!” Peter called out to him from inside your apartment. Then, he takes the door from you, and gently pushes you further into the hall while taking your bag and keys from you. “You go talk to him though. I’ll work on the regenerative piece.”

Then, he’s closing your own door in your face, leaving you in the hallway with Bucky still staring at you. Your mind is still spinning at how fast everything just happened, the amount of information that was just thrown at you, and you bury your face in your hands. You take a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. 

“Do you want to come inside?” Bucky suddenly asked, his voice still soft. You lift your face out of your hands to look at him. He’s already opened the door wider for you to come in, and stepped to the side as well.

He looks… exhausted. It’s not the same sort of tired that he usually looks when he comes back from a mission, either. This is different. It makes your chest hurt to see him like this. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, and move to enter his apartment.

You can’t help but feel a bit awkward in his apartment. You’re not sure why. The air is different for some reason. Tense. You try to be natural, moving towards his couch like you always do, and sit down. You try not to notice the way that he’s basically dragging his feet to join you, avoiding your eyes. 

“I’m sorry about… him. Peter, I mean,” you finally speak, clearing your throat. Your leg is bouncing up and down, your throat feels like it’s about to close in on you, and your hands are becoming clammy. 

Bucky’s quiet. He’s leaned forward, elbows on his knees, flesh and metal fingers interlaced tightly. His gaze is trained on the wall, the coffee table, his feet. Everywhere but you. You begin to feel a bit restless. 

“I didn’t– I didn’t tell him anything about you like that. I mean, I talked about you to him, but I didn’t tell him who you were. I was talking about us, and how worried I was that you were gone and that I haven’t heard from you in a while– I never said that you were an asshole,” you quickly said, and you feel like you’re rambling. Your voice dies out on your tongue as you stare at your own fidgeting hands.

“You told him that I was your boyfriend?” Bucky asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He’s still not looking at you. Your heart quickens in your chest. Did he hate it? Hate the idea of it?

“No!” you exclaimed immediately, feeling your face turn red with embarrassment. “I said you were my neighbor and we had something going on and that I wouldn’t mind if you became my boyfriend but I– I didn’t say…”

A strange silence fell between the two of you. You didn’t necessarily feel uncomfortable, but you would be lying if you said that you felt comfortable, too. This was the longest that you had ever been in Bucky’s presence and he hadn’t looked at you. You were used to being under his constant watch, every movement and shift of your body being quietly recorded into his head.

“Bucky?” you whispered, swallowing thickly. “Was… Did the mission go well?” 

You can’t think of any other reason for him to be acting like this, truthfully. Something must have happened for him to be acting like this.  He said he got a new phone the other day, meaning that he was home. He was home, and he just didn’t want to see you. You lived right next to him, and you didn’t even know he was there. 

“Are you hurt anywhere?” you tried next. Your eyes scanned his body. You didn’t see any wounds on him, but then again he had already been home for a couple of days. He would have already healed all the minor injuries.

You felt like you were talking to a wall. There was no response from him. He didn’t even move to indicate that he had heard your words. Nothing about this was natural or normal behavior. You wanted to be upset that he didn’t let you know that he was here– ask why he didn’t think to contact you immediately.

But you didn’t have that right to demand that from him.

So, you sat there silently. Waiting. You watched him carefully. The only telltale sign that he was even here in front of you was the slight movement in his chest to let you know that he was breathing. Every second that passed felt like an hour in the room. Yet, you decided you would hold on, and patiently sit there until he gathered his thoughts to be able to speak to you.

“I thought you and that kid were involved.”

You recoiled at his words, eyebrows furrowing. “Peter?”

“I saw you both. Saw you bring him to your apartment when he was drunk,” he confessed, burying his face in his hands. “I thought you replaced me while I was gone, so I didn’t want to bother you. Then today, I heard you two talking outside– and I just… I wanted to see your face.”

“Wait,” you said, blinking. “You avoided me because you were jealous?”

“I thought you were dating him, doll. Not just jealous,” he corrected, sighing deeply.

“Dating– in just three weeks?” you asked, even more confused. “We’ve been seeing each other for almost much longer than that, and we aren’t even official–”

“That’s why!” he exclaimed, finally turning to look at you. “That is exactly why!”

“There’s no way you’re trying to say that I deserve better. Are you?” you ask, eyebrows raised. The way Bucky’s jaw clenched told you all that you needed to know. “Bucky. Are you serious?’

“He’s a good kid,” he dismissed, looking down. “Smart. Bright future. A bit of a tragic past, but you seem to attract people that are mildly to severely depressed anyways–”

“You did a background check on him?” you cut him off, eyes wide.

“I needed to make sure that he wasn’t a psychopath with mental issues that would kill you!”

“Do you hear yourself right now?” you asked.

“Yes, so that’s what I’m saying– he would be a much better fit. He helps you with your research and he’s apparently fucking Spider-Man which has yet to be proven–”

“I’m not attracted to him! Did you not hear any of that conversation out there? I talk about you to him. Extensively! He listens to me complain and whine about the fact that I miss you!” 

“That doesn’t change the fact that he is a much better choice!”

“Is that what you want? You want me to walk out of here and choose somebody else?!” you demanded, standing up. You were heading towards the door, trying to prove your point when he grabbed your arm, forcing you to stop. 

“No! I don’t! Why would I ever want that?!” Bucky shouted back at you. He looked scandalized, as if you’d asked him to wear a maid costume in the middle of Central Park.

“Then what do you want?!”

“You! I want you!”

“I’m yours, Bucky! I’m already yours, what don’t you understand?!”

“What– just like that?” 

“Yes, just like that!”

“Fine!” he scoffed.

“Fine!” you mocked.

The exchange happened so fast, so quick. You two were staring at each other, breathing heavily. Then, he released your arm, dragging a hand down his face in frustration as he took a deep, controlled breath. His eyebrows were pinched close together as he tried to gather himself.

“This isn’t how I wanted this to go,” he murmured.

“How you wanted what to go?” you frowned. “Your self deprecating, loathing speech or this stupid argument?”

“Well, I didn’t want either of these to happen at all, but that’s not what I’m talking about,” Bucky sighed, shaking his head as he dropped his hands to his sides. “I… God. I just– I missed you.”

“And I missed you,” you said, your body relaxing from tension you didn’t know you were holding. 

Bucky clenched his jaw, and swallowed. “You weren’t mine. Officially, at least. So if you found someone else while I was gone, then I figured that I couldn’t have a say in it. That it was my fault for just… disappearing this time for three, four weeks.”

“The way I looked at it,” you sighed, “I couldn’t be mad that you didn’t tell me anything. I figured the silence was for your safety.”

“Yours, actually,” he shook his head. “There was a possibility of my phone getting tracked, and I didn’t want anyone being able to get back to you. Which is why my phone ended up in the ocean– it was compromised. Took the battery out and removed the SIM and threw everything out after shattering it.”

“But other than that?” you asked softly, feeling worry course through your veins. “You’re okay?”

“Mission’s over. Chapter closed,” he reported, letting out a breath. “Minor injuries, but nothing that hasn’t already gone away. I’ll be home for a while. Nothing’s on the books right now.”

You nodded slowly, sighing in relief. That was all you wanted– not him staying home, but just knowing that he was safe. 

“And… us,” you said softly. “What about us? Where do we go from here? Because I really don’t know if I can handle another month of silence like this. I’m not asking for daily updates or classified information. I just want to know that you’re alive, Bucky.”

“I can do that,” he quickly said, hands reaching for you. They rested on your arms, and his eyes locked with yours. “We can get encrypted phones that send scrambled data so even if there were someone trying to track messages, they wouldn’t be able to trace ours– no one would be able to get to you. I already have a few people keeping an eye on a couple of your lines to ensure your safety, and will have them report to me if there’s a flag somewhere.”

You blinked. “What– Right now?”

Bucky paused, his mouth falling open briefly he closed his eyes tight. “I… also needed to make sure you were safe while I was gone. My line of work isn’t the best thing, doll. I might be doing good things, but there are some fucked up people that would do anything to stop me and the people I work with.”

“No, I mean… We’re not even… together. Why would you go that far for me?”

“So?” he frowned at you. “You’re important to me. I don’t want anything to happen to you regardless.”

“Bucky, how deep are your feelings for me?” you asked, your heart pounding in your chest.

“Doll, I’m falling so hard for you and I never want to stop,” he answered immediately. “I think you’re it for me.”

“And you were going to let me go?”

“I just want you to be happy. With or without me– and with what I do for work, I can’t blame you if you end up choosing to walk away from me. I know you plan for the future, and everything you do is carefully thought out. I just… I don’t want to hold you back from anything.” 

You were at a loss for words. He was sincere. Both the tone of his voice and the look on his face let you know that. You couldn’t even conjure up a simple sentence to reply to his confession– the feelings that you wanted to hear from him. So, you reached for him instead. You pulled him down to you, angling your head up towards him into a devastating kiss. He reciprocated immediately.

You missed him so much.

One arm wrapped around your waist, the other one snaking up your back to have his hand cradle your neck to deepen the kiss as he held you even tighter to him. You sighed against him, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into your lips. 

“Doll? Does this mean–”

“You’re mine, Sarge,” you confirmed, a little breathless. “Lost your chance to get rid of me.”

“Wouldn’t ever dream of it,” he chuckled, a smile ghosting on his lips as he caught you in another kiss. 

You both tumbled into his bedroom, clothes being haphazardly shed as you two made your way there. His shirt came off first. Yours followed quickly after. While you undid the ties of his sweatpants and began to shove them down his legs for him to step out of, Bucky unclasped your bra and threw the underwear somewhere off to the side that you weren’t even sure that you would find later. Your jeans came off last, and you were thankful you wore something baggier today to be able to shimmy off easily. 

Your hands ran all over his body, feeling for any cuts, maybe any swelling. To your relief, you saw none. You squeezed his sides experimentally to test if he would flinch slightly under your grasp, and quietly thanked every deity out there when he didn’t react. 

He laid you down onto the bed, only for you to use every ounce of your own strength to flip the two of you over. You straddled him now, but did not sit fully on top of him. You simply hovered, keeping your weight off of him.

“What are you doing, baby?” he chuckled, hands resting on your thighs.

“I’m still mad,” you said with a fake, deep sigh. A hand rested on his neck, then slowly trailed down to his collarbone. “I don’t really think you get to touch me tonight.”

“No?” he asked, eyebrow raising.

“No,” you echoed, a small smile playing on your lips as your hand continued its journey down his sternum, moving to feel the ripples of his abdomen under your fingertips. You hummed in approval, stopping at the waistband of his briefs. “If you touch me, I might just pack up and leave. Go back home. Peter’s waiting for me, after all. We were supposed to finish the antiseptic release component of our second prototype for the regenerative nanotech. I’ll probably just send him home early and use that vibrator that you hate so much.”

“You’ll be the death of me,” he whispered. Your hand moved slowly, just ghosting over the length of him. He was already hard.

“You always get so excited for me, so easily,” you murmured, more to yourself than to him.

“What can I say? You have that effect on me,” he grunted, his hips bucking up to meet your hand. Your other hand moved, pressing against his thigh. 

“Nuh uh,” you clicked your tongue at him. He groaned, closing his eyes tight. 

“Doll.”

“Just relax, Sarge. Let me take care of you for once. The mission was long, right? I made you stressed out and jealous, right? I wanna show you how much I really like you,” you hummed, grinning at him. 

Bucky let out a shaky breath, “You said no touching?”

“No touching,” you confirmed.

“Fuck,” he grunted, removing his hands from your thighs. You beamed at him, pressing your hand against his length fully now. At the same time, you pressed your chest against his as your lips attached to skin where his neck met his shoulder. Bucky let out a soft groan, moving his head to the side to grant you more access to him. 

You had to admit, this was different. You hadn’t expected him to let you just take over like this without a fight. All the other times you spent with Bucky, he never gave you the impression that he would want to be in this position. Maybe today was just a special day. 

You left a dark bruise on his neck. Happy with your work, you gave him another one on his collarbone, and another one on his chest. Then, you slipped your hand under the waistband of his underwear to touch him directly. Bucky moaned softly at the first contact, eyes closing shut as you took him in your hand, slowly spreading the precum from the tip of his cock down the sides and starting a lazy pace. 

He was so pretty like this. You never really had the chance to admire him while he was in such a vulnerable state. Bucky was always so focused on you, getting you to be in this kind of headspace. You could see why. You could get addicted to seeing him like this.

You moved once more, kissing lower and lower. 

“Buck, help,” you murmured, tugging on his briefs with your free hand. He opened his eyes to look down at you, where you were. His eyes went wide, just slightly.

“Jesus, doll,” he moaned. “You gonna suck me off?”

You gave him a nonchalant shrug. “Wanna taste.”

“Shit,” Bucky whispered, but lifted his hips up slightly for you to help remove the last piece of clothing off of his body. The thick length of him hit his stomach with a soft thud, and you stared for just a moment, feeling your stomach jump at the sight. Your own walls clenched over nothing, but you ignored it for now. 

You reached for him once more, holding him at the base loosely. You watched him as you licked a thin strip up from the base of his cock all the way up to the tip, seeing his eyes close tight, watching him fist the sheets by his side. Then, you licked up the cum that had leaked out as you had stroked him earlier. You moaned at the saltiness of him– he tasted exactly like you thought he would.

His chest was falling and rising at a faster rate now.

Bucky’s jaw clenched as your lips closed around the tip of him, and he swallowed thickly as you started to take him in deeper. You may have been way over your head. You thought you knew the length and size of him from him being inside of you multiple times, but fuck he was large. You opened your mouth wide to take him in, your jaw already beginning to ache as you sucked your cheeks in to create a seal.

When you finally fit him, you started to move, bobbing your head up and down while keeping your tongue flat against him.

“You’re so good, sweetheart,” he praised from above you, his voice coming out as a wrecked noise.

You hummed from beneath him, his hips jolting in response to the vibration. The tip of him hit the back of your throat, and you choked, freezing in place as you tried to calm yourself down. Bucky, on the other hand, reacted positively to the feeling of being in your throat. His thighs clenched under your hands and his abs tensed. 

You forced your throat to relax, and you reached for one of his hands. You could feel the hesitation when you touched him, but he allowed you to guide him to your head– and he weaved his fingers through your hair as you took him deeper into your mouth. Your eyes prickled with tears that ran down the sides of your cheeks, but you couldn’t seem to care with the reactions that he was giving you.

“Oh, fuck!” Bucky moaned out your name, his hand tightening around your hair as he pushed. You moaned into him, eyes falling shut as you kept moving. You didn’t want to stop, not when he was this responsive. He was damn near trembling underneath you, moaning like you’d never heard before. You were high on endorphins and he hadn’t even touched you yet. 

Then, you felt it. The jump and twitch in his cock that you often felt inside of you– the telltale sign that he was going to cum. You heard the broken moan fall from his lips next, another indicator. You wanted it. You wanted to taste all of him.

“I can’t– Shit– Baby, I’m gonna cum,” he warned you, his voice coming out broken and desperate. You moaned around him, trying to tell him that it was okay and to please cum. You weren’t sure if it was the vibration from your throat or if he understood, but he was moaning your name a moment later.

You always loved the feel of him filling you up to the brim. This was a different feeling, and you loved it all the same. The salty bitterness of it was delightful, and you swallowed up every drop greedily. It came out in thick, hot spurts, filling your mouth so full that you thought you were going to leak out from the corners of your lips.

When you finally released Bucky from your mouth, he looked down at you, breathless. 

“You okay?” you asked, your voice coming out slightly hoarse from having him in your throat. Bucky stared at you for a few moments before you were both sitting up. 

You were pulled into his lap, legs on either side of his hips, his mouth on yours. If he cared about tasting his own release, he didn’t voice it. His tongue was on yours, licking into your mouth like a man on a mission.

“Gotta be inside you, doll. Please? Let me touch you now?” he begged, kissing down your neck. A shiver ran down your body at the sound of his voice. He was so needy.

“Wanna ride you,” you told him, reaching between your bodies to feel him– he was already hard again, as if he didn’t just release a fat load into your mouth. His refractory period was always short.

You pushed against his chest next, his back hitting the headboard as you quickly moved. You took off the final piece of clothing that separated the two of you, discarding your underwear somewhere to the side. Bucky groaned at the sight of your pussy glistening, exposed to him. 

You positioned yourself over him, both of you letting out a soft moan as you let him slide against your folds, wetting him with your own juices for a few moments. His hands rested on your hips as you did, but he took no charge in moving you. You finally shifted properly, catching the tip of him in your entrance, slowly sinking down on him.

You hadn’t had him in a month. 

The stretch was delicious, your eyes falling shut, your moan mixing with his as your forehead rested against Bucky’s. His hands tightened on your hips, letting you know how much he was being affected by just the feel of you surrounding him like this. He waited for you to be ready, to move first. 

You grinded against him experimentally, whimpering at the feeling. Then, you started. You lifted your hips, then slammed back down onto him. You watched as his head hit back against the headrest, his eyes closing shut as you fucked yourself on his cock.

“You feel so good,” you whispered, your head dropping onto his shoulder.

“Yeah? Let me make you feel better, baby,” he grunted. “Let me fuck you even better.”

You weren’t the most athletic person ever. Your thighs were beginning to burn, your legs were getting tired, your core was getting sore– and you wanted Bucky to fuck you. But you wanted to watch him like this just a little bit longer. 

“Mm… Not yet,” you said, letting out a breathy giggle as you ground your hips against his again. 

“Fuck,” he groaned, leaning his head against yours. He started rubbing circles into your hips with his thumbs, trying to coax you as you continued to ride him. “Come on, baby. I know you love it when I fuck you– when I play with your clit and press against your stomach. You want me to do that for you? I’ll fuck you through your orgasm, make you cum again and again for me. It’ll feel so good, doll.”

You whimpered at his words, eyes rolling back. You were breaking. You did want that. 

“I’ll put a pillow under your hips, too. It’ll let me hit inside you deeper. You always ask for me to go deeper, don’t you?” he continued, voice low and lips close to your ear. “Always want me so hard and deep– never fast. Just always wanting to feel all of me.”

“Bucky,” you moaned, gripping onto his forearms.

“Just let me know when, pretty girl. Tell me when, and I’ll take such good care of you,” he promised, squeezing your hip again. 

You let out another breathy moan, contemplating your options, recognizing your burning hips… Then nodded. A moment later, you were on your back with a pillow folded in half under your hips– and Bucky snapped his hips into you with enough force to move the bed a couple inches. 

“There you go,” Bucky whispered, eyes roaming all over your figure as he set a slow, yet punishing pace. He fulfilled everything he said he would. 

His fingers were dancing on your clit, another hand was pressed against your abdomen, he was fucking into you hard and deep– everything to make you fall apart as quickly as possible on his cock.

“It’s too much,” you gasped, eyes falling shut.

Bucky chuckled from above you. “Too much? You wanted this, doll. Do you want me to stop?”

You shook your head violently, unable to find the words. You gripped at the pillows at your head, feeling the thread within you begin to pull taut as Bucky continued to play your body like a well tuned instrument. At this point, he might as well be a master at your body. 

Bucky knew your body better than you knew it. 

You didn’t even need to tell him that you were about to cum– he was already moving faster, trying to get you to the end quicker. He never stopped fucking you as your body tensed under his. Bucky moaned, hips stuttering as your walls clenched and fluttered over his cock deliciously.

“Bucky, please,” you moaned, grabbing at him as your hips moved to meet with his. “More–!”

“Don’t worry, doll. I’m not finished with you yet,” he whispered, his voice thick with need. 

“Personally, I think it would be smarter for both of you to just move to the compound. Safer, too,” Sam said as he helped carry the last of the boxes into the truck downstairs. 

“And see you every single day? No,” Bucky said, crossing his arms. 

“The new apartment is closer to the lab, anyways,” you said, smiling at Sam. “Bigger place than either of these spaces, so it’ll be good!”

“Which means you won’t have to bring work home then,” Peter said, sounding hopeful.

You made a face at that. “If anything, I think I might end up at the lab earlier and later because I live closer.”

“Peter, change the codes in the lab every once in a while,” Bucky told him. You froze. Peter nodded immediately. “Don’t let her do that.”

Neither man would listen to your protest as Bucky escorted you into his car– Steve’s old car. Both Peter and Sam piled into the back as Bucky got into the driver’s seat, the moving truck driver following behind you guys as you moved to your new apartment.

The space was definitely bigger, and it was a nicer place. You found out there were some great financial benefits to whatever mission Bucky had last went on, and even more financial benefits that Bucky hadn’t even touched that the Wakandans had given him when he had left their kingdom to come back to the states. You had originally protested the idea of using the savings, but he insisted, saying that he didn’t have anything to spend it on to begin with and there was nothing more that he wanted but to spend it on you.

Besides that, the two of you were already living together already. If you weren’t at his place, he was at yours. There was no logical reason for the two of you to be paying for two apartments at this point, so you looked for a bigger space. One that would allow you to be able to do some work from home if you ever ended up without a lab, and a space for Bucky to be able to have some peace and quiet away from the world that he lived in.

Sam and Peter were here just to help bring boxes up to your new place, which had an elevator. Most of these boxes were yours, anyway. Other than the couch, coffee table, and the bed, all of the furniture was yours.

It took the two of you the entire weekend to unpack, and another weekend to decorate . 

“This is why I didn’t decorate before. Takes too damn long,” he murmured.

“Is that it, or you just didn’t know what to add?” you asked with a grin. 

You didn’t want to make the space look like a museum, but you wanted to bring back pieces that you thought Bucky would appreciate. You had an old record player that was rigged up in a way to be able to play both old record vinyls and connect to bluetooth, as well as forties vinyl records to match it. You included a copy of The Hobbit on the bookshelf next to your textbooks. There were some plants around as well, something to brighten up the space and give Bucky something to do and take care of when you were at the lab. 

As you placed the last picture on the wall– memorabilia of Captain America– you felt Bucky’s arms slide around your waist. Then, his lips were pressing against your shoulder, your neck, and your cheek. 

“Hi,” you hummed, leaning into his touch.

“Hey,” he whispered back. 

You paused at the tone of his voice, and turned in his arms. Your eyebrows furrowed in worry when you saw his face. His eyes were glassy, his own eyebrows knitted together as well.

“Buck?” you asked, holding his face in your hands. “What’s going on?”

“I love you.” 

If he wasn’t already holding you, you were sure you would have fallen over at his confession. Fainted even. However, there was still something else to address at this moment.

“You’re crying because you love me?” you asked, blinking. The confusion must have been evident on your face because he let out a soft laugh, shaking his head.

“No, doll. I'm crying because I’m happy. Overwhelmed. I didn’t think that I would be able to get this in my life. Get someone like you,” he said, smiling. A tear slipped down his cheek, colliding with your thumb. “I feel so damn lucky to have you in my arms every day. I just… I love you so much. You don’t know how much I love you. I think I’ll spend the rest of our lives together trying to prove how much I love you.”

You let out a soft sigh, eyes scanning his face. You smiled back at him, feeling your own emotions begin to get the better of you.

“I love you, too, Bucky,” you grinned at him. “Thank you for taking care of me when I was drunk that night.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at your words, then pushed his forehead against yours. “You are an awful drunk, you know that?”

“Can’t be too bad though, since you fell for me,” you giggled, pressing a kiss to his lips. 

Bucky scoffed, “Yeah, sure. That’s what made me fall for you.”

“Looks like I can’t go out drinking anymore. Wouldn’t want more people falling for me,” you joked.

“Mm… Let them fall, doll,” Bucky hummed. “Doesn’t matter. I’m never letting you leave my side.”

masterlist

taglist: @iyskgd @falconxsoldier @1967barracuda @retrxgreyde @lemonpiegurl @lokiofasgard616 @local-crazy @tor-tor8 @shortandb1tchy @mxgcalvi @dixondystopia @thesmolishbean @againnagainnagainn @im-feeling-blue-today @theycallmemaniac @sebastians-love @oliviamitchy @angelli14

please let me know if you would like to be added to a general bucky taglist for when i post other fics for him :)

[fairyhaos]

how seventeen act with their writer s/o

requested by anon ^^

masterlist

seungcheol

he is begging. he is on his knees BEGGING you to pls let him buy you a new laptop because the one you use is literally on its last legs and makes ominous sputtering n whirring sounds like a dying cat stuck in a vent every time you start it up. you don't let him tho bc “no cheol the memories :(((“ cuz you've had it for years but he is nearing the end of his tether and who knows. in a few days ur laptop may mysteriously disappear forever and you'll be forced to let him buy a new one

jeonghan

he's like the pet cat you don't own who likes to slink into the room and make inquisitive noises as he watches you work. drapes himself over your shoulders and makes distressed huffs when you try to dislodge him. he's never usually noticeably clingy, but when you try to write, the clinginess always springs out and you can't go five minutes without jeonghan poking his head into the room to check up on you and see what you're up to

joshua

your biggest fan. buys every single novel you write, puts on his glasses, and reads them very seriously in one go on the very evening it's released with the lamp on beside him. he looks so serious every time, but he'll always peer at you over his glasses and then give you a big grin, telling you how much he loves it. gets you to sign a copy for him and brags to everyone he knows that he has your signed novels with special messages just for him that no one else can have

junhui

he's your personal general knowledge bank. when you're searching up obscure things and slowly losing hope on finding an answer, just ask junhui and he'll either a) know the answer or b) knows someone who knows someone else who knows someone else else who knows the answer. don't ask him how to spell words tho bc he's like. hopelessly bad. blinks at you going “what's an [insert word]” before you give up and google it yourself

hoshi

alwaysssss wants to know what you're working on right now. gets all whiny when you get possessive of your work and refuse to show him before it's finished bc come on, it's surely perfect already, why are you trying to hide it from him?? loves helping you do, like, the non writing stuff. writing out plot? nooo. building fantasy maps, figuring out political systems, getting lost on a tangent on figuring out the price of beans in the 1800s? hell yeah sign him up!!! 

wonwoo

knows all the grammar rules in the world. you can ask him stuff like “hey wonwoo can i put a comma here or no” and he'll amble over to peer over your shoulder and tell you whether you can or cannot, in fact, put a comma there. helps you curate all your writing playlists for the different moods you have. gently reminds you to get back to writing whenever you end up scrolling on instagram for too long

woozi

you're even more of a workaholic than he is when in the zone, so he gets to realise how unhealthy it is to be sat in front of a computer for hours straight with no break. you get to act as each other's “let's act like a normal human being now” reminders, depending on which of you is going through a work fixation. you guys both go on runs together in the mornings even though it kills you bc at least it gets both of yo brains kickstarted to spend a day being all creative in ur respective fields

minghao

you value his opinion above anyone else's. above your beta reader's, above your agent's, even above your editor's bc those are more like advice, not opinions. but knowing that minghao likes your work, and knowing which parts in particular he really likes, is so important to you because ultimately, you want the person you love to also love the things that you create. 

mingyu

brings up the fact that you're a writer in every conversation he has with anyone ever. “oh my god look, this menu has writing on it. speaking of writing, my s/o writes actual books as a job!!!!”. your agent made him sign a contract similar to an NDA bc he just keeps yapping about your books even when they haven't been released yet. loves the noises you make whilst you're writing. thinks it's the cutest thing ever when you make overjoyed “AHA!!” sounds when you finally realise what the plot is doing

dokyeom

more than willing to be your rubber duck and let you talk at him until u figure out your own plot holes. he could be in his room scrolling on his phone but the minute you call for him, he's leaping up and bounding over to you and pulling up a chair in an instant, more than willing to let you bounce ideas off him. sits there doing nothing but looking all pretty as you talk at him and work out the tangle you've gotten yourself into. beams and gives you a big kiss when you manage to figure it all out. 

seungkwan

he buys you a biiiig wheely whiteboard and a bunch of coloured board pens to help you plot your novels. when you get stuck, he comes over and stares at the board with his hands on his hips, very gravely considering your dilemma and what would be the best way to get you out of it. you two talk about plot holes like it's the most serious thing in the world and he just nods like a proud father once you both find a solution

vernon

at this point he's like. a professional tea and coffee and biscuits supplier due to the amount of snack runs he does for you. has walked in on you lying face down on the floor during a meltdown one too many times to bat an eye anymore. also great at helping you block out actions during scenes like. he's the perfect doll. lets you maneuver him into the weirdest positions in the world with zero complaints. he just loves helping you however he can, really. 

chan

reads through your drafts whilst you're in the middle of writing, accidentally gets hooked and is begging you every day to finish the novel bc he really wants to know what happens next. he's the best at spotting inconsistencies and plot holes in ur writing so before you even send it off to your beta reader, he gets to have his hands on the manuscript to check for any changes needed. also bc he needs to read the ending asap otherwise he'll probably combust. 

request guidelines

reactions tags: @weird-bookworm @minhui896 @slytherinshua @haowrld @belladaises @newgirlygirl @moonlitskiiies @mirxzii @wonranghaeee @yonabutnotyuna @crackedpumpkin @wqnwoos @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @kawennote09 @a-wandering-stay @icyminghao @valenhui @sweet-like-caramel @odxrilove @kyeomyun @chansburgah @pepperonijem @jeonride @kellesvt @kikohao @astrozuya @eightlightstar @onlyyjeonghan @aaniag @starshuas @all-american-fangirl @f1uffyjun @sea-moon-star @nonononranghaee @isabellah29 @mcu-incorrect @hrts4hanniehae @suraandsugar @pan-de-seungcheol @dokyeomkyeom @melodicrabbit @bananabubble

[lucvly]

— boyfriend headcannons with chris. ⸰ 𖥔 ͙

warnings: tooth rotting fluff and a nsfw part?? not proofread stop its almost 1 am

a/n: i’m trying my best to feed you guys but school is Fucking me upppp :/ sry this is a little short Oopsie

— tries to act tougher in public but when both of you are alone he’s a total sweetheart.

— he loves it when you play with his hair, when you let him lay his head on your chest and won’t ever admit it out loud but loves when you’re the big spoon.

— gets so distracted when you’re around it’s hilarious (+ matt and nick always tease him for it because he looks “ridiculous”) literally has the biggest heart eyes for you, always following you around and drooling over you.

— pda pda pda !! this man loves pda, i’m not elaborating.

— shows you off anywhere and everywhere. literally anyone who’s ever spoken to him knows you because he’s always talking about you.

— his instagram feed are mostly pictures with you in them. he loves posting you.

— adores touching you. not even sexually, but always has an arm around you, hugs you from behind, an arm around your waist, a hand in the back pocket of your jeans, etc.

— don’t ever ask him about it but if you’re a romcom fan he’ll definitely watch them with you. sure, he’ll act like he hates them but actually loves watching them with you. his guilty pleasure fr!

— adores doing domestic stuff with you: grocery shopping, cooking, baking– man, he’d even do laundry with you. which just pisses matt off because the only time chris helps with chores is when you’re around.

— if you mention a certain song or a certain artist he’ll slowly start adding them into his playlist. don’t ask him about it because he’ll actually get Embarrassed but still. ++ he has a playlist of songs that remind him of you.

— spoils you good. you want a new perfume? just say the word. that book you talked about last week? he already bought it for you. new necklace? of course. and it has his initials on it so it’s a win win.

— asks you for fashion advice LMFAOO. you’ll get spammed at like 7 am with something like “black or white?????”

— still flirts with you like you’re in the talking stage it’s sooo funny. tells you the lamest pickup lines but it’s cute because it’s Him !!

— nsfw below!

— a munch. loooves eating you out. he does it for his own pleasure trust. + he gets pussydrunk soo quickly.

— teases you soo much help?? especially in public. you could literally be at an important meeting and he’ll still have his hand on your thigh while whispering dirty ass things in your ear.

— loves it when you drag him lingerie shopping. he’s just there to support you and drool over you tbh. he can’t help but get hard when he sees you in all those pretty sets. (+ always ends up with you fucking in the dressing room).

— this man suffers when he’s on tour. he’s so used to having you take care of him he almost forgot how to jerk off LMFAOOO??

— has a whole album on his phone for his eyes only which include videos he’s taken of you getting fucked senseless, videos of you crying out his name, pictures you’ve sent him and videos.

— loves phone sex HELLOOO?? just hearing your voice gets him rock hard. sometimes you’ll be talking about the stupidest thing ever while on call with him and all you’ll ever hear from the other line are soft grunts, panting and heavy breathing. (+ when you tease him about it he just tells you to keep talking– yeah, you both end up moaning into the phone LMFAOO)

— literally anything gets him turned on. something as simple as you giggling or wearing one of his fresh love hoodies and boom– he’s bricked.

— pet names are a huge yes. this man could be choking you and balls deep in you but he’ll still call you the sweetest pet names ever. (“angel”, “princess”, “baby”, “doll”.)

— teasing gets him so worked up. don’t even try to pull on his hair a little, slightly touch his crotch when he’s hard or bend over in front of him unless you wanna end up pinned against a wall and going for at least three rounds.

[walmartbrandwhatever]

Marbit figure skating au stuff because I cannot stop thinking about this. Will I write this into a fanfic? Probably. Anyways this turned out super long please if anyone wants to yap about this my dms and asks are open.

-Marcia first getting into figure skating because of her mom.

-like her mom is a really artistic person in general and it was something her parents both did for fun and taught her how to skate.

-It was something she could have control over and not worry about how to fit in and if she was doing things right. It allowed her to express herself in ways she had never thought about before.

-Two-bit truly got Into hockey because soda wanted to try it out but didn't want to do it alone.

-but the more they practiced together the more in love he fell into with it.

-hockey helped keep him from spiraling down a dark road, gave him an outlet to let out on instead of drinking himself Into the ground.

-anyways two and mar use the same rink to practice in, both preferring to practice at night.

-one day the rink accidentally booked both of them atthe same time. Two being too stubborn to just let her have it and mar refusing to give up any practice time they both just end up arguing with each other about who gets it.

-this goes on for awhile them always fighting for the rink. One day Two comes in with Soda to practice and sees Marcia already there running her routine with Cherry yelling out corrections.

-Two hadn't actually ever seen her practice before but seeing her be so connected to the music blasting through the speakers and the emotions clear on her face he couldn't help the grin that worked its way onto his face.

-Soda clocks this immediately and is like "dude ur so down right bad stop"

-Ofc he denied it but Mar comes over and says he could have the rink. He stops her before she leaves and comes up with a compromise. She gets it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday while he gets it every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and they’ll alternate Sunday.

-She smiles and puts out her hand to shake on it. Two-bit right there thinks she's by far the prettiest girl he's ever seen. He's all fumbling over himself as they shake on it and she leaves

-soda shaking his head knowing that either this will be a super bad thing or a good thing for two-bit

-Cherry also clocks this but she's too focused on the other boy she recognized. Soda and her both exchanged a look seeing their friends fumbling over eachother before Cherry drags Marcia out of the rink.

-W/the new schedule both don't run into each other as much which both of them are lowkey sad about.

-they meet again after they both switched up who day it was for Sunday. They both almost immediately try to let the other have it before deciding they can take turns.

-Two-bit watches her work on her performance first and is just basically sitting there in awe.

-Two notices Marcia getting frustrated as she keeps failing this one jump and Two goes onto the ice and offers to help her land it.

-she takes it after a few more tries. Him gently placing his hands on her hips before lifting her and showing her how much more momentum she actually needed.

-with the newly advice she tries it and to her surprise it actually works. She just has this big ass grin on her face as she turns to two celebrating and he's just watching her with a grin plastered on his own face.

-she skates over and hugs him, thanking him for the help before pulling away and saying he could have the rink.

-bro is so down right bad for her.

-him going home that night and is like kicking his feet n shit as he's talking to soda about her.

-Cherry is also hearing everything from Marcia who is just as equally down right bad for this man.

-Cherry is also keeping it very to herself but her and Soda are talking the entire time two n marcia are working through their own thing.

-anyways Cherry drags Marcia to one of Two-Bits and sodas games. It's the first time Marcia has seen Two in action with his team. It's actually so bad.

-he spots her towards the end of the game and he has the biggest smile on his face the second they meet eyes. He winks at her before going back into the game.

-also two is a figher, that mf is CONSTANTLY beefing w/someone on the rink

-that game he and this other guy immediately start brawling and that scares the shit outta Marcia. She's never really liked fighting.

-past relationships that didn't end to well really pushed that fact, so not expecting it. It threw her off.

-two seeing the absolute horror on Marcia's face afterwards did not make him feel good. Typically he feels amazing after fight, well not amazing but it gives him adrenaline but seeing the utter fear resting in her eyes it did nothing but drain the life otta him.

-after the game he immediately heads over to her, apologizing the second she even registers it was him talking. He's all over the place but he just wanted to set things right and make sure she was alright

-that was a lot more than what some of the past guys she's dated has ever done for her so it definitely won her over. She tells him that it was already and just said she wasn't expecting it considering she actually didn't know much about hockey.

-he offers to teach her some things about hockey only if she teaches him about figure skating.

-the next day they both go to the rink and stick to their promise.

-instead of actually practicing that week they just go back n forth teaching eachother tricks and the basics

-anyways they finally get together after one of their little skate sessions. Two-bit has been planning on asking her out for awhile and he's a whole mess.

-it had actually been Darry who convinced him to ask her out. Two-bits constant chatter about Marcia Darry was finally like "dude just ask her out if it'll get you to shut up🫶"

-pretty much everyone else agreed. (Their annoyance was outta love)

-Two is like sweating as he stops her before she leaves for the night and is like visibly freaking out. Eventually he spita out a "anyways would you idk like to go out. Like to dinner? With uh me?"

-she has that smile two-bit always loves to see. She presses a quick kiss onto his cheek before agreeing and leaving without another word.

-and two-bit? Yeah absolutely dead. He stands there for a solid 5 minutes before steve Steve who was giving him a ride comes in asking what was holding him up.

-Two-bit just gently holding his cheek with a huge grin says it all.

-marcia that night is kicking her feet and screaming to Cherry about it.

-after a few dates Marcia is the one to officially ask him to be her boyfriend and he almost immediately says yes.

-they don't really tell anyone they are together but the gang can tell

-Ace totally sees Marcia at some point and does the whole "if you hurt him" speech before leaving her w/that.

Anyways I have so many more ideas that are riddled w/angst. I can't tell how old I want they do be. Like are they really far into their careers? Do I want marcia to qualify for the Olympics? Idk I'm still cooking but yall trust I will write this into a fic. Also if you use this au or hcs please credit me 🫶 I would appreciate it. LOVE U ALL MWAHH🫶🫶🫶.

[wannabebardrambles]

Caitlin live reacts - 28 part 2!

Phoebe ‘harvested potential’ ?? hey will wt FUCK does that mean

Can’t believe the fucking Train Arena is becoming the meditation space TM. like. that was an Oogy Googy location and now we're here

Alana has to be ok with it bc she lost her pride and joy awwww nooooooo

‘You dont think I could make a difference?’

‘What am I supposed to do’ ‘persist’ UGHH

‘EVERY CHANGE I TRY TO MAKE JUST HURTS PPL CLEARLY I AM THE REASON THIS-‘ gahshgewuyerfefrhueuhifhuileafr

‘’If we lose you now then everything will have been for nothing’ hey dude what if I cried right here right now in front go you

GAGGED bathriel is like ‘glad ur not home bc he would have gotten u on side’ urhgrgrgrgh

Oh YUCK the loss of the generation is apparently so fine and tolerable that eeraheral thinks ppl can be sacrificed

Did aelys take the treasure early bc of this?? bc thats FUCKED

Got told to watch out for valor yay fun ‘her eyes are not her own’ this has been known. BATHRIEL HAS MET THEM BEFORE??? DID NOT THINK TO SEE THEM AGAIN SO SOON??

Did BATHRIEL take Lenore to the faded realms?? What is happening

Um? Is Katari trying to get actual romance advice from theagus??? Ahe. AHE AHHEHEEEEE. ‘How. Do you do that.’

‘We go to ppl to relieve physical biological urges…things are arranged in terms of breeding’ OH MY GOD. ‘DID YOU PAY EACH OTHER’ OHHHH MY GODDDDD

Ok so?? Katari canonically does want to be more than friends with synnove YES

‘Write down what you want to say to them, look it over, crumple it up, throw it away, and go talk to them’

‘Im confused!’ ‘Thats a GREAT FEELING!’ me all the time

‘I thought you might have a formula’ GAHAHAHAHAHHA

Ok so Katari killed the coat SLAY but he became smth else after

Ok so canonically the only things that make sense to katari are

Aelys not knowing how to talk abt feelings

Theagus wanting to huddle

She finds a hairpiece RAHHHHHHH

Golden semicircular comb with lotus flower!!!!

She hasn’t had one since she was a kid??!!! GEEURGRHHHHHHHH

NATURAL TWENTY ON INSIGHTTTT THE MOST IMPORTANT INSIGHT OG UR LIFE

Dont tell aelys about this GAH I love their friendship??? 

UH. UHGHGHGHGHGG/

KATARI GOT AELYS A FRESH SEVERED FINGER???

WOW THATS FRIENDSHIP

‘Thanks for the finger’ with his WHOLE chest JONATHAN

Shes such a dramatic bitch UGHHHHH I ADORE HER

‘I am end crafter not ball dancer’ - put. it. on. a. tshirt

‘Every day you will be introduced to a new kind of suffering’ ‘laughs’ wkasdjjokpwjdsnfvkopeadwjfndgb

Katari has fully killed ppl sparring?? Garrhhhh I adore

‘’I think you would do well there.’ ‘Those tenants. They feel good’ RAHJHJHHHHH

Oh ok theagus is going there? Good for him damn

‘I don’t want anyone to feel like theyre out of options. I don’t want Stella to feel like im not an option for her’ my LOVE she KILLED UR SISTER

Weeeeeee need to go back pls I am living for jb x aelys convo???

‘Its for fronodius-‘ ‘bless you’ ahahahah

‘It is always the time for crime’

‘Where have you been learning this from’

‘Fdrom all of you…you are the-te-te-terrrrrible ppl’

‘I have been learning that it is acceptable to butcher ur enemies….’

‘As long as its on company time its ok by me’

‘Can somebody polish me? I would like to sparkle when we commit sin’

‘ I could do more’ ‘when will it be enough, then?’

Ok im adopting the idea of big and little enoughs thats so fucking special

If supernatural taught us anything its that ‘you…all of you’ means ‘im in love with you, specifically, and I keep forgetting to hid it behind English not having different singular and plural second person pronouns’. TRUST

‘You were there…were you protecting other ppl from me, or…me?’

‘You throw yourself into any situaiton you can to help others but you don’t ask if for yourself and maybe a month ago I would have thought that a blessing but now im not so sure…you were there fore so I want you to know that I am here if u need anything…’

Transferring half innately qi???? THIS IS MORE INTIMATE THAN MIND SEX METHINKS

NOOOOO ISAIAH FUCK OFF WHAT WAS JB ABT TO SAYYYYYYYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[hms-no-fun]

i have an intense love/hate with godfeels because it is beautifully written but it also makes me viscerally uncomfortable. something something disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed probably. engaging with that discomfort teaches me more about myself and is definitely worth it for something like godfeels. any advice for constructively engaging with media that Pisses You Off, by no fault of the creator? what would you say to your haters in good-faith, if you could?

well, to be fair i have said plenty to my haters in good faith previously, but that was a very direct response. if you and i were having a polite conversation amongst the two of us, my first question would be "how far did you get?" godfeels has been going for six years now (!!!), and it's gone through many phases in that time. i'm at a point now in my life where if someone tells me gf2 didn't click with them, i'll probably nod and say "yeah it's rough around the edges, there's a lot of stuff i'd do differently today." the most vocal contingent of haters i've ever gotten were the handful of people who dipped at gf2.2 when june got superdrunk and accidentally murdered a bunch of people, assuming the story was going to be about how cool and based that decision was. anyone who's actually read gf2 to completion should find that misconception laughable. it also makes a difference if you finished gf2 and stopped there, or started 3.1 and fell off, or if you got through chapter 8 and fell off, or if you're currently reading Double Album. each of those is a slightly different conversation with its own pros and cons. whether or not i'd try to talk someone into continuing their read depends entirely on those questions (and also how self-confident i'm feeling in the moment).

i guess i would say to someone who is not enjoying godfeels that they should stop reading godfeels. it's an extremely heavy story that digs into a wide variety of traumatic subject matter. it is also deeply personal in a lot of ways, which is perhaps a weird fit for a Homestuck fanfiction. so i can understand someone from the wider fandom hearing about godfeels as "the June Egbert fic" being disappointed that it's not fluff. i've documented in the past how gf2 emerged out of my dissatisfaction with the image of "Hairclips June," whose transition exists off screen and whose acceptance by her friends is an obvious expectation. i kind of feel bad for how that shook out in the long term since, between the lengthy hiatus of hs2 and the broader strangulation of the post-canon movement during the pandemic, the canonical "Hairclips June" story (or at least "June Who Doesn't Suffer 100% Consequences" story) doesn't seem to exist. i don't mean literally canonical, i mean "seeped into the fandom's collective unconscious" canonical, like Detective Pony. there are plenty of fanworks that do a good or at least interesting job with June, but they're not *about* June in quite the same way godfeels is. it's entirely possible that such a thing DOES exist and IS popular (i freely admit to being out of touch with modern fanworks), but for better or worse godfeels still seems to be the thing that comes up most often-- and not always in a positive light.

for a while now i've been working on an "Author's Introduction" which on the surface is an attempt to contextualize the phases of godfeels for new readers, but in actuality is more of a history of/commentary on the post-2019 fandom and the so-called "Homestuck Renaissance." i see this as necessary because godfeels is an extension of that moment, in particular the loudly recuperative pro-Vriska boosters and their exquisitely galaxy-brained VrisRezi meta. then gf3.1 responded to the fandom backlash, chapter 8 responded to my experience watching every foundation of my post-transition life crumble during the pandemic, and then Double Album is an exploration of building yourself and community back up in the aftermath of tragedy.

it's not that this context is necessary to understand or appreciate godfeels, just that i think it helps put things in perspective. when i started gf1, i hadn't written fiction in nearly 7 years. today, the series is sitting just shy of the 500,000 word mark. at every step of the process, the quality and ambition of my writing has increased exponentially. there's a reason i've written Double Album as a jumping-on point for new readers-- besides being better in virtually every way that matters to me, it's also largely shorn free of the baggage that can make godfeels a hard sell for folks. whether or not it actually SUCCEEDS as a jumping on point is another conversation entirely.

so i guess all of that is to say, if we were having a private conversation just the two of us, i freely admit that godfeels is a wildly disjointed story on top of being extreme and often emotionally masochistic. i am proud of this work from start to finish, but it fundamentally is the process of its authorship in a way that a thoroughly drafted and edited novel simply isn't. i used to publish chapters the instant they felt done to me, with only minimal revisions. these days i let chapters bake a lot longer and put much more thought into how they fit into the larger whole. i kinda miss the old way but the new way results in much better work.

i'd be curious to hear what exactly it is that Pisses You Off about godfeels, and why you nevertheless feel it's a worthwhile reading experience. you ask me for advice on how to constructively engage with media that pisses you off, but i don't have any because in general i don't engage with media that pisses me off. i stopped reading fanworks after 2020 because everything that survived seemed to cater only to the sector of the fandom that harassed my friends out of their jobs and platforms. i found their interpretations/extensions of canon lacking, their tendency for straightforward fluff rather grating. i COULD have made that everyone else's problem, but what would be the point? i wasn't the target audience. i didn't enjoy the work, so i stopped reading it. i'd rather move on to media i enjoy than suffer through media i don't.

BUT. there's a fine line here, because it actually takes a lot to Piss Me Off. i don't really believe in rules or standards in art as Inviolable Laws Of Nature. my measure of whether something is good has a lot less to do with its inherent quality and a lot more to do with the balance between intention and execution. it rarely matters how amateur something is, if it meaningfully accomplishes the thing it set out to do then i'll probably like it (or at least respect it). i look for expressions of authenticity, moments where the artist and the medium are in perfect sync. there are plenty of critically praised pretty-looking movies and games with big production values that i don't particularly like. sometimes that's because they're a naked moneymaking enterprise disguised as art. sometimes it's a problem of too many cooks in the kitchen. and then sometimes an artist is just full of shit and doesn't really know what the hell they're talking about (i like to call these people "Californians"). mostly, i just embrace that art-making and art-viewing are inherently subjective experiences, and i find little value in numbered rating systems of any kind.

a lot of my favorite movies and albums underwhelmed me my first time through. they challenged me in a way that i at first interpreted as incompetence, but have come to see as brilliance. there's stuff i found alienating in high school and early 20s that i find deeply relatable in my 30s. as a film student i've had so many conversations with so many people who have wildly different takes on the same movie that i've completely given up on the idea that anyone is an objective arbiter of what's good and what isn't. the only real thing is if it works and if it works for you. i search for the best in everything, because at the end of the day i'm just here for the love of the game and i don't much enjoy hating things. for media to really Piss Me Off, to elicit a genuine I Hate You response, it has to be more than just, like, poorly edited or whatever. it has to embody a repulsive worldview, be a tool of jingoistic propaganda, or otherwise act as an extension of corporate greed and wealth extraction. these days i reserve my hatred for that which has connection to real Power and exerts a mass cultural Influence, or that otherwise blindly reproduces the same problems.

i think it's far easier to critically engage with work you don't like when you search for the things that work, rather than the things that don't. when it works, when it really clicks, you see what they were going for, and only with that perspective can you see why what doesn't work doesn't work. all i ever ask is for readers to take my stuff as it is, good and bad, and judge it on those terms. i find your use of "comforts the disturbed, disturbs the comfortable" funny and fitting. art that wants to be for everyone is art that cannot be for anyone. it is a perfectly round grey sphere that all who gaze upon it can agree "exists" and "succeeds at what it's trying to do." good art is imperfect, because it is the result of a perspective you may not share. i've never wanted to make art for the masses. i want to make the kinds of things that i wished existed when i was younger. there are a surprising number of people who feel that godfeels positively affected their lives, and i know that i have very little to do with that. godfeels is an object that exists in the world. i had ideas of what it was when i wrote it, but i can't control what anyone else sees no matter how much digital ink i spill trying to explain my original vision. if it truly comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable, then on some level i must have succeeded in what i was trying to do even if the path to getting there was spotty and rough.

i did the best i could at every stage of writing godfeels. i would do things differently today, but i also wouldn't be here at all if i'd done it differently back then. i try to extend this grace to other artists as much as possible, that we're all just figuring it out as we go along. but i also know that everyone goes to art for different things, and finds value in different aspects of its expression. really, all i ever want is to have a conversation about the object without the looming specter of Respectability Politics and Moral Hazards. it's when people start acting like godfeels is Dangerous, and that i'm dangerous by extension, that i start having opinions about where critics are fucking up. tell me what it does or fails to do. point at the text and show me you've read and comprehended it by citing your sources and arguing through the text instead of around it. absolutely fuck off with the moral hand-wringing about Transgender Representation and Glorifying Violence and Perpetuating Toxic Stereotypes. it's a fucking Homestuck fanfiction, for god's sake.

but anyway you're not doing that, so, good job! i'm glad you find the experience of reading godfeels illuminating even if it pisses you off. i hope you found this lengthy answer enlightening, and maybe a bit annoying also. consistency is key, or so they say

[drbased]

A lot of classic wisdom advice says to let your emotions flow by, not paying special attention to them, and you can achieve some sense of peace this way.

But in my experience with depression, recognising that my emotions aren’t random - that they represent reactions to my environment according to values and beliefs I hold - has been invaluable in my recovery and self-discovery.

Emotions are sensory feedback, but they’re sensory feedback of the self - and imo ignoring them is tantamount to self destruction. I know analysing each of my emotions and intellectualising them is a refusal to accept my selfhood - but I needed to do that step first before I could learn to trust that my emotions are manageable, valuable and part of me. I need to learn to recognise that I was bored, that that person irritated me, that I was low-key worried I won’t get to that place on time. As my depression is built out of embarrassment that I’m an individual, and therefore I should defer my emotions and beliefs to some sense of ‘objectivity’, recognising the embarrassing specificity of my emotions - and where they originate from - gave me an avenue into accepting the natural subjectivity of the self.

My understanding is that once you’ve acquired a mental illness, you have to approach yourself differently. If you’ve broken your leg, you can’t walk on it like other people do. And my journey out of depression required steps that other people would call 'overthinking'/'overanalysing'. But here's the kicker - I was already doing that anyway. Here are some examples:

'The lady doth protest too much' thought loops: So I would sometimes read an argument on the internet, and it would stick in my head, going round and round and never quite leaving me alone. The traditional advice of 'let it go' never seemed to work for me. So when I started this journey, I decided to actually ask myself why this thought loop is happening? What I realised was this: I actually agree with the argument, but I can't bring myself to admit that for various reasons - it's too miserable, it ruins my fun, etc. etc. In taking the step to actually recognise that a thought pattern and its associated emotional discomfort isn't something I shouldn't just 'let pass', I instead discovered a value that I had. And ever since I learned to recognise this, I don't get those thought loops anymore. I can and do still think about things intensely, but there is sense of purpose and a conclusion, typically an actionable one e.g. I don't like the morality of this film, but it's somewhat of a guilty pleasure, so I will only watch it pirated by myself and not talk about it with anyone.

Not being able to let stuff go: Similarly, if someone or something has upset me, I used to find it excrutiatingly difficult to let stuff go. I couldn't compartmentalise, and the thing that upset me would get in the way of me enjoying other things. What I learned about thought loops/difficulty letting stuff go is that they come from the same fundamental place: some fundamental question isn't being addressed. When I allowed myself to recognise that I was really, deeply upset by that one comment a person made, I was able to face it head-on. I allowed myself to be a subjective person who can be hurt by something, even if to others it would be an 'overreaction' - because regardless of even if it was an overreaction I was already feeling it anyway. So instead of refusing to acknowledge it in the hopes my pesky selfhood wouldn't get in the way, I decided to roll with it. Through this system I also learned that once I've acknowledge the 'unwanted' feeling, I also can acknowledge the reason why it's unwanted in the first place, and I can pit those two value systems against each other, negotiating with myself and coming to a robust solution. Now, individual things can seriously bother me, but my own new value system/system of logic recognises the importance of specificity - that one person bothered me, but they're not here now, and feeling good feels good, so there're nothing stopping me from enjoying time with these other people. And because I'm not constantly fearful that the unwanted emotion represents something inherently corrupted about myself (ironically enforced by its persistence in my mind), I don't need to be constantly low-key mulling it over, and so it can be completely out of my mind in a different situation, safely accepted as a valuable part of me. This, I now understand, is what we in the trade call 'letting things go'.

What I note here is that the medium is the message: every act of choosing to roll with my natural subjective selfhood instead of fighting it is, in itself, an act of self-acceptance. Just how giving a gift to a friend is both an act in the material world of creating an enriching environment with pleasant emotions, so too is it an act of love - in fact, it's an act of love because of its relationship with the material world. This is incredibly obvious in hindsight, but this causal connection with reality is entirely what I lacked. I was so stuck in my head, believing my emotions were tantamount to reality (or something 'more' than reality), and therefore they needed to represent something inherently correct and objective and should line up with my conscious perception of the world. In learning to accept them as simply a natural sensory feedback to a sense of subjecte value systems I hold in relation to my material environment, I have reinforced a direct causal relationship between myself and reality.

When I talk about how symbolic states disrupt your relationship with causality, this is a perfect example of that. Spiritual thinking is a rejection of the natural subjectivity of the self because it places higher meaning onto ones emotions instead of recognising that they're a response to one's internal value system/belief system. When I used to get a great euphoria from certain life experiences, I was conditioned to believe that that's a 'sign' of something bigger than me. My emotions were never my own, and as such I was terrified of them, but also I subsisted off them like a child starved of love and attention from a parent comes to rely on erratic and random demonstrations of affection. I now recognise that my emotions are my responsibility - which is also scary, but it's scary in a way which makes me feel like an actual adult. And that responsibility, as with all things in the subjective self, can be reframed - yes, there is responsibility, but there is also opportunity: I am not 'obligated' by the universe to eat this healthy meal because it is objectively good, and therefore I have no real 'need' to feel such emotional distress at not doing so; rather, I value myself and I value having a healthy body, so I can simply choose to eat this healthy meal. What was once an obligation is now a gesture of love - and I feel that love internally. It's a real, actionable love.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 11

Reg kin anon, pg anon, th anon (new), mirrorball anon (new), bio anon (new), sentiment anon (new)

Reg kin anon

hi cas, reg kin anon here ♡

i realised i didnt mention any update about the guy i thought i liked at the start of the year/end of last year, oops 😂 well, it turned out uhhhhhhh

we had a conversation in... january, i think? maybe february, about how we felt. he said he wasnt ready for a relationship yet (honestly fair, he had a rough breakup when i first met him last year) but that if i was willing to wait a few months then he'd reevaluate (looking back, RED FLAG) which i was fine with, bc relationships scare me too ahaha

and then not even a month later he was flirting harder?? he took me on a date which was really nice tbh and we watched a couple films and he started watching my favourite childhood tv show w me and it was really very nice

and then only AFTER like a month or two of a sort of situationship(? idk if thats the right word, bc i realise thats usually used for more sexual relationships, but i aint into that, it was just kissing/cuddling/staying in for dates) he was still telling people he was VERY STRAIGHT. to remind, i am genderqueer/fluid and OUT TO PPL AT UNI. sooooo yeah he saw me as a girl just because im afab and present somewhat fem like 60% of the time.

so. love that for me 🫠 its now NOT happening, bc im not about to shove myself back into the closet for a guy. he was also giving me the ick for a while in between starting to "date" and then for no reason i could figure out and the feelings have vanished 🎉

on a better note! i opened up to some of my friends about my mother, finally. it genuinely felt so good and freeing to talk about it openly and not feel judged. especially bc i actually had a proper breakdown and sobbing session and they were so, so kind about it all. its so crazy to me to imagine having friends like that because i had literally noone before uni aside from one "friend" (it was more of a 'people hate you, people hate me, lets not hate each other' sort of bond) but now im realising i actually genuinely do have people who care about me and love me and want to support me, and more importantly theyre people who i care about and love and trust too, which i also thought id never find

soooo yay! little reg kin is growin up and finding their place in the world ♡♡

Hi!

Ew yeah that guy sounds like a red flag. Nobody is worth going back into the closet for. You deserve someone who respects your identity <3

But that's so amazing that you have some supportive friends! I know you've been struggling so much with things with your mom, and I'm so glad you have people to talk to about it. It's been wonderful to hear about you grow over this year, and to hear about how you've been able to develop your own support system. You truly deserve it <3

___

PG anon

Ask 1:

For glasses- what about the dollar store or something? Is that a thing near you?

For the fainting...um yeah I'd be concerned. I know it's hard but I'd continue pushing it. Fainting isn't normal...

For C- I'm glad adults know. You shouldn't have to deal with that alone.

How did the GSCEs go? Remember, you deserve recognition and love, whether you're getting it or not <3

And OMG how was prom?

Ask 2:

Exams- I'm glad things seem to be going well! I believe in you, and I know the self-doubt sucks, but I kno you'll do amazing <3

Friends- That's so frustrating because like you said, it's understandable, and there's not much you can do. Have you tried asking your friends to 'body double' over the phone? I do that with friends sometimes, where we're on the phone, but we don't talk and we're both doing whatever we need to do- studying, writing, doing chores, etc. It gives the feeling of not being alone, but you're still being responsible. Maybe that could be a good compromise?

Cancer- <3 <3 <3

Coming out- Remember that you don't owe anyone that information. Do it on your own time, when you're ready. It's okay to take your time! Don't pressure yourself <3

Your past- I think if your past isn't affecting your relationship with your bf now, then you shouldn't pressure yourself to tell them that until you're ready. It's okay to take your time opening up to someone. Your bf cares about you for you as you are NOW <3

Sending you so much love <3

___

th anon

Hii I don't usually do anons but I just wanted to ask you for help on something.

Basically I "broke up" with my best friend 6 months ago (I'll call her TH) and it's not like we were friends for a long time, but it was 3 years of my life.

But anyways when we stopped talking, I don't know, I felt... hurt but more than that, though. Because I vividly recall how heartbroken I felt when I realised she was purposely ignoring me (it was the week before Christmas break back in november and we were sitting next to each other TH was obviously ignoring me bc all she did was stare at the computer. Doing nothing, mind you. I tried to start a conversation but i had a feeling she wasn't in the mood. Then when the bell rang she got up and left the room not even sparing me glance.) I hate to admit it literally made me spiral to the point I cried after school for like 2 weeks straight 😭 oh my god, I feel embarrassed just typing that. But seriously even my brother left me alone when he saw how upset I was.

And even after that I cried on and off. I've written pages of poetry about this (which is the curse of having the ability to write and feel clearly) but I still can't seem to move on especially because we're in the same friend group. I have to see her every. Single. Day.

I hate how awkward it is between us because I really cared for her. I loved her so much omg but now she doesn't even look at me. And one thing about me is that I hate to be ignored it's probably one of the only ways to convince me to let go of someone even if i love them. Like I was sooo close to her but the moment she started ignoring I left it alone. I slightly regret it now though because what if I had just plucked up the courage to fight for our friendship and confronted her? (Although I did ask her if there was smth wrong after the Christmas break which was probably too late to ask that but God I was such a coward.)

I know it's too late to fix it. But I guess I just want reassurance that I didn't make one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was too focused on winning an invisible competition of who cares the least.

I'm so sorry if this puts any pressure on you that's not what I intend I'm kinda just typing whatever I'm feeling rn. Ahhhajajzj this is making me realise I'm so not over it. Shit. 😭

(worst part about this is that I can't tell if this is romantic or platonic heartbreak)

Anyway I hope this made sense!

Side note: I just started your fic that has trans!regulus and I love your writing sm <33

Hi!

Honestly from this, it sounds like SHE did you dirty here. Like she just ignored you with no explanation? That's shit. You deserve a reason as to why she decided to drop you all of a sudden. If it was me, I'd be pissed.

I think if this every happens to you again, the only thing you could do different is ask for an explanation. But she definitely is the one in the wrong and you absolutely have a right to be upset about this.

___

mirrorball anon

I’m sad Cas ):

I lost two people I would’ve considered my best friends 3 months ago

in the span of a month

and it’s because they did shitty things, they really did

but I feel guilty and paranoid and like it’s my fault or I caused it and did something wrong

it’s just a really shitty time

-🪩

Hi! I already have an evermore anon so I hope this name is okay!

People doing shitty things to you isn't your fault, and you did nothing wrong. You deserve SO much better, and I really hope you get friends who show you that. I'm sending you so much love <3

___

bio anon

just had to take my pronouns out of my bio on instagram because of my new job (i’m scared of someone seeing because i’m not in a very queer safe environment at work) and i tried putting in more “normal ones” but it sat so uneasy with me i just couldn’t. it felt like such a lie.

please tell me this isn’t weird

Hi <3

This isn't weird at all, but it's not fair to you either. I definitely think you should do what makes you feel safe, but I'm so sorry you're in a situation where you even have to think about this. You deserve to be open about your identity and feel safe about doing so. I hope that happens for you someday <3

___

sentiment anon

My dad keeps making comments about me... (Redacted)

Hi <3 This is COMPLETELY inappropriate. Do you have a trusted adult you can tell about this? Like...I can't even stress how inappropriate this is, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Please lmk if you're able to tell an adult!

[rhiaarrow]

I'm seeing a large amount of anxiety posting or doomposting here tonight so I'm just gonna take this opportunity to remind everyone here that it's okay to feel that way but if it ever gets too much, it's okay to just walk away.

Even just for a little bit, close the tab and go get a drink of water or just take a minute to yourself.

Don't feel obligated to interact with anything that causes you to feel stressed out.

It's okay to be optimistic about the situation in the same way that it's okay to be more critical. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, we don't have all the answers or the knowledge of what's going on behind the scenes, we won't know how things are happening until it's publicly announced.

The dismissal of the update account admins isn't really something that any of us wanted to hear had happened but it's at least a sign that things are actually being done behind the scenes.

Even if it may not seem like much it's at a small piece of proof that the admin funding issues are being addressed. Of course it unfortunately meant that it was revealed that they couldn't afford to keep the updates accounts admins but it's a small modicum of knowledge that they're at least looking into funding admins behind the scenes.

It's still frustrating not knowing what's going on and being left in the dark but ultimately there's nothing we can do except wait for news from an official source.

If I'm being honest stopped really watching as much Qsmp since the admin break, I've watched a couple past vods here and there and obviously I still watch Bad everyday (it's literally a part of my daily routine at this point) but I've not really been marathoning povs like I used to.

The admins were the life of the server and without them it just feels wrong, I was remaining hopeful while I watched Bad play on the server but his statement about reaching his limit today sorta hit.

Because yeah, I've reached a limit too.

I still love Bad and my other cubitos but the server right now just isn't hitting the same. So I'm gonna take my own advice and step back from the content and its fandom for a little bit.

Ultimately there's nothing I can do to help the situation at all and contributing my thoughts on something I have no real knowledge of just isn't really helping anyone.

I'm not getting overwhelmed by the doomposting or anything, I'm just choosing to distance myself for a little bit.

Although I do have qBads backstory to thank for reminding my old Ancient Mythology special interest from years ago which has overpowered my recent Qsmp fixation, so at least my brain has something to do while I take my little Qsmp break for a day or two :)

[hall0wedwyrm]

Minecraft Headcanons for the anniversary

Happy birthday to the biggest brainrot ive ever had.

I wanna share my own hcs for the Block People!! because I haven't escaped them in all of my conscious existance. I am required by law to also include Herobrine. Okay here you go <3

Steve is ancient. As the first mortal being, he's been around for a very long time and watched the world change countless times. They still find exploring very rewarding, as they're always finding new things.

think of the world as like... when you update the game and the unexplored chunks have the new content... its just like that.

Alex is not as old... but they are still very very old. As the second mortal being, they are not as experienced but they know a lot about the world. They're a thrill seeker, and they looove danger.

Steve still panics when they jump into danger, even though they have been together for centuries at this point.

Alex is a free spirit, but they also have their own comfort in their base and being in familiar territory

They're very much the kind of player who has the huuuuge main base with all of their mob farms and projects being close by or easily accessible, where Steve would just have their one home and expand accordingly (a room for... basically everything)

Now... Herobrine is like. THE Oldest Being. He literally made the Nether, and Mobs, which were already around when Steve first appeared.

I have this headcanon that Herobrine is the sibling of the End Poem entities? Where hes their cast out brother because he was 'messing with their perfect world' and they decided to put him in the world. He wanted there to be a challenge but they were having NONE of it

If you know Narinder from Cult of the Lamb... like that.

He got assigned as the ruler of monsters after the individual monarchs had acknowledged him as their Creator. He lives in the Nether.

He's currently working on his Overworld Mansion (i.e. Herobrine's Mansion if you remember) since his siblings presence has faded away, and hes jumping at the chance to adventure into the overworld. He's picked a spot thats nicely tucked away in a deep forest

Herobrine originally believed that Steve was made to be a mockery of his new form, but ended up getting attached to them instead.

He then met Alex and they unintentionally swept him off his feet. They were a very fresh breath of air in his life and he appreciates them greatly.

He thinks Steve is okay (Hes obsessed with them).

Yeah... i'm a Hero/Steve/Alex shipper. I'm also the enjoyer of Steve/Herobrine and Alex/Herobrine as stand alone items too... basically im very open to any variation of this ship i just love them together lmao.

Herosteve enemies to lovers

Hero is Pan, Alex is genderfluid bi and Steve is demiboy bi there you go

I love masc Alex... but i do also like Alex being buff and fem.

Although i do love they them Steve a lot too... maybe at somepoint Steve tried just they them and was like 'this is kinda cool and also i dont mind either'

The newer characters (Noor, Sunny, Ari, Zuri, Makena, Kai and Efe) have built a community spot together. They're like a smp server where they announce "hey guys I'm heading to the mines anyone wanna join?" and there ends up being a little team who heads out.

Alex and Steve are the cool mentors who visit sometimes and help out. Alex brings cool trinkets and rarer items while Steve provides extra blocks and food.

Steve's advice is shit but Alex is actually pretty good at it???

"You just gotta go find it" vs "Oh heres a detailed explanation of how to find what youre looking for"

Herobrine is the 'creature that hangs around in the shadows sometimes' and watches over them. He's not malevolent towards them, so they assume he's somekind of protective force

Ari and Sunny saw him first, and Kai n Zuri did not believe them when they told them. Efe though it was cool though, but Makena didn't leave their safe area for like a week until Noor reasoned with her and said it was probably nothing.

okay yeah im doing part 2 for this with world building headcanons and for the other guys because i made basic ideas for my interpretations of them but this is kinda long already

[mmmmfbigger]

Hello, Sorry to bother you, but Thought you might have some advice or ideas as I saw a post of yours and looked like a step in the right direction x

I'm 26 Trans Female, I'm about 76kg. I've been into weight gain for a while and I've been indulging when I can, going from around 67kg to my current weight over the course of about two years (with periods of less or no weight gain) x

The problem I face is complex.. x For starters, my partner doesn't fully support my fondness for gaining weight.. x He himself is actually trying to loose weight (And I'm fully in support of that x I do anything to make him happy and healthy) x On top of this, I spend a decent amount of time around family, as i work with them, And the work is both physical and takes me away from my partner for about 3 days a week.

What I'm trying to ask is what do you think I should do.. x I want to gain weight.. x I wanna stuff myself every day and night.. x I want to watch my tits and belly swell with fat and calories.. x But with my partner and work, I don't know what to do.. 😥

If I'm hones anyone may not like this but you may have to do it regardless because it's what you want in the end. If your partner is losing weight thag that is THIER goal and objective. Now if they domt have displine its going to be hard for them. If they don't want you to be your true self then you may have to consider what makes you're relationship fundentally strong and if its enough to sacrifice youre own individual happiness. I hope yal are able to find peace.🙏 As for me I hate the idea of hiding. As far as the job, trust me there's no easy solution it was the same thing that took me out. If I'm honest it's hard work but ge into IT or something that doesn't require hard labor. Its never too late to start aomething new! So apply apply apply! I feel like with enough support anything is possible. I'm rooting for you! Who know they might end up liking how confident you are and give it a try too!

[boy-gender]

Hi, hope you're doing well!

I was wondering if you could offer any advice on something. So most of my family watch the news 24/7 (usually fox at that), so my mom has gotten to the point where she basically only watches the weather, which part of me can't really blame her for, it does get exhausting to constantly be up to date with everything happening and I've had to take step back several times recently. But she won't acknowledge anything that's happening really- lgbtq+ issues, the fact that vaccines may be in danger, etc.- I think that she thinks if she ignores it, it'll go away/it doesn't exist, or maybe she feels like if she down plays it enough i won't worry, and i just don't know how to get her to understand that's not how it works, and that these are serious things that I'm actually very worried about.

I've been in a similar, though perhaps not quite so extreme- my parents hate fox- boat. When I still lived at home, coming out as trans did not go over well. For a very long time my parents were doing the neutral my child/they thing, and using a nickname I didn't pick instead of my actual name I did pick. It wasn't the most overt bigotry, but it was very clearly disregarding my identity, and it made me feel horrible. I felt like a ghost in my own house- existing but not really, being ignored at anything beyond surface level. I explained that even if my parents thought they were doing something good by "compromising" on my identity, that identities cannot be compromised on. I am who I say I am, and either you get with the program, or stop referring to me at all. We will be strangers. They thought they were making a good half step forward; I had to be the one to explain that what they were doing was still as damaging as just regularly misgendering or ignoring me.

I wrote everything in a letter, printed it, left it on their bed, and slept over a friends house for the entire weekend. I didn't try to just educate them with facts about trans people- facts will rarely convince anyone on their own.

Instead I focused on the emotions. They're my parents, and presumably they love me even if they don't show it well. My parents, my dad in particular, are horrifically abusive. Banking on their love was a long shot. But often I find abusers do believe they love you- they think they're helping somehow. So I put logic aside and appealed to that.

I was honest. I told them how their behavior made me feel. I told them I felt ignored, disrespected, unseen. Like I was only half alive. Like they were prioritizing mourning a daughter over having a living son.

It worked. They started using my name and correct pronouns, though of course they still slip up. They're in their 70s and I came out at like age 17. I understand them falling back on the usual pattern. But they began to try, and that was what mattered.

I would do the same with your parents- if you feel like only your mom is reachable, then focus on her. Don't bother with the facts. She may very well be keeping her head in the sand like you say, so facts won't reach her. Instead, tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Without blame, without bitterness (even if you have it, put it aside for now). Without logic and facts and statistics. Tell her how you feel. Tell her of your fears. Tell her you need your mom right now to be in your corner because the state of the world scares you. Ask her to pay attention and be informed, so that you two can regulate your anxieties together. Give her clear ideas of what she can do to support you better, and welcome her to bring you her fears too. Now is the time to lean on each other and sometimes you have to invite people very explicitly to do that- especially with a parent, where they may think its inappropriate or against the natural order of things to rely on their child rather than only letting their child rely on them.

Above all just try to be honest, and give her the space to be honest back. Even if her behavior doesn't change, you might understand her motivations better. Itll atleast give you a better idea of where you stand, and that can be helpful too, if disappointing.

[rin-and-jade]

pt. 2, putting this as a new ask just in case my situation is helpful to others

1. Yes, I do feel less blurry when in a group. I base my entire perception of reality on what outside people are doing. Otherwise, I'd just float inside my own head forever (this is me realizing this as I type it lol)

2. When we're alone, we're very in tune with ourselves, to the point that we forget anyone else exists. But then, we tend to spiral into endless pits of despair because our problems seem as infinite as our mind.

3. We have BPD, that might help give more context to how I process emotions. So it probably affects how much I rely on my partners for emotional regulation. I've been working on it though.

4. You're definitely right, I lived in a house with two very dysregulated parents who used their kids as catalysts for their self-worth. When our dad was angry, the whole house was scared of him, and I was my mom's only friend cause she's autistic and struggles to make friends.

I see!

Then it should be a good start to assess any uncomfortable feelings you might have, assuming that you experience despair as said before, especially when it happens while being alone.

I said this because its explainable by how talking to other people temporarily diverts attention from your inner turmoil that caused you to create mental instability (regarding to fronts),, and a whole heck of dissociating when there is nothing or no one to pivot the focus away from your own awareness.

The number one hardest challenge about it is to survive the sheer amount of anguish you have bared for years that are running through your mind each second you're on your own with your thoughts--though not impossible to win and overcome this!

Here's your first plan as the solution, for now:

Understand that directing your attention to other people would only halt your negative thoughts temporarily, but it'll never go away until it's tended to. Think of this like solving your anxiety by having a glass of alcohol,, you would have to constantly down them just to escape it. Not great, isn't it?

Set up activities and create a plan for things to do. It's hard to just sit it out alone while looking at the clock ticking,, so doing some art, or watching your favorite series, or cooking home meals inspiration are your best friends--well, anything you want to do actually, with one requirement that it is to help you ride those waves out instead of another numbing mechanism. Sounds fun to do them too.

This will sound corny, but DBT skills can still benefit you, don't forget to pair them with somatic techniques,, you can choose to do them while doing number two, or when you don't have any/can't engage with your planned activities/have no access to them either because you're outdoors. If you are feeling stuck on googling this part and finding the right ones to do (or the ones you like to do/try), let me know, i will help! This is where you can start processing your feelings, which would reduce the intensity and, in return, makes you feel more stable in the long run.

Lastly, be consistent, then adapt, and refine this coping plan as needed. I believe you can maintain and troubleshoot any future obstacles, but don't hesitate to come back next time to update or ask more insights on what to do later on.

This plan is still at their baby stages of your healing era, it is curated to ease your overwhelmed mind that has been bombarded by a lot of unresolved trauma that resurfaces everytime you're alone. Please don't forget to slowly process your feelings and confide with a close friend (or DM me if you need to, i don't mind chatting with ya or other people who comes to me for advices) in order to heal better and faster.

I wish you good luck!

- c

[local-loudmouth]

it’s crazy that 2023 is almost to an end! Another year that just flew by!

I’ll be honest, I was desperate to post my art somewhere. It’s been kinda a rough couple of years for me. And recently.

I was extremely sad last year. Around this time, actually. Let me paint a picture.

Last year, I switched schools. Which I guess doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it was to me. My whole life was at my other school. My friends. They were the best. As u can probably imagine, I starting at a brand new school is hard. Especially when everyone already knows eachother. This might come as a shocker, but I’m kinda Anti-social when it comes to ppl around my age. (Especially cuz ppl my age are such bitches Lmao) for the longest time, I coped using discord And tik tok. I Even made my own little group. But ofc, that had to come to an end too. after that, I was sad again. For the longest time I had all these ideas, but no one to really share them with.

(cuz none of my irl friends like nor watched tmnt) and recently I ended a friendship w/ someone. We were both in the wrong, I’ll admit. I did say somethings behind her back. Nothing too bad. But it did call her a hypocrite. Because she would always complain about our other friends leaving to hang out w/ other ppl. When she does the exact same thing. And I was alone. Alone at lunch. Just sitting there. She would treat me so..rudely. Just plain rude. I asked her a question (Idk what is was exactly) and she responded with such a rude response. And that was on fucking Halloween. (Which I was sick on) so that’s when the entire friendship fell to shit.

Since then I’ve been hanging out by myself in the library (well, the times it’s open anyway) so u can probably imagine how I feel. Then one day, it all changed. I discover this wonder escape. Tumblr. I signed up and made this acc. And I met such amazing ppl on it.

@allyheart707: has given me good advice on my little comic series, genially super nice, fun to chat w/. I think I’ve been mutuals w/ her for the longest.

@ghosty-0w0: very silly, I have so much fun doing art collabs w/ you!! Again, very nice and thoughtful. Mutuals for a bit but it feels longer!!

@mikey-rottmnt: the ultimate silly, whiteboard was to much fun (I’m gonna try and make another board for us lol), I have no idea how we became mutuals lmao. Very fun to chat w, always open to listen, caring and sweet. I enjoy having conversations w/ u!

@c00kietin: I had a lot of fun drawing u!!!, Irish gang 🍀☘️, that one time I didn’t get sleep was chaotic, very chill, a local amphibia fan!! I wanna talk more w/ u, cuz ur js so cool!!

I Hope y’all have an amazing new year! May the year bring u luck, kindness, adventures (hopefully) not artblock, and alot of ideas!! (Not that anyone of u need them, cuz ur so creative!!)

and dw..Hehe..I will make u all suffer w/ ANGST ANGST AND…fluff. JK MORE ANGST >:))

(no but real talk I will not js do all Angst I swear—)

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE OTHER MUTUALS THAT IK AND ARENT ON HERE, ITS CUX I FORGOT UR TAGS!!!

[fireangel]

Confession time:

I just wanted to clarify my position on this mess for anyone that happens to be watching

I may be a massive saboteur Queen troll, but Im still on the side of PR, thats never changed

It still remains my honest belief that bts Hollywood BS has been used to screw over Chris to shut him up as well as his political fact checking platform

I think the idea of someone with such a massive platform as he gained from being Steve R being so outspoken, with such a massive fan base to protect him and bury whatever else they tried to sabotage him with e.g intern rumour,, pr shitshow, fake marriage etc that the "powers that be" decided they needed to take out his fandom support via severe defamation, hence why they pushed so hard against the PR aspect within the fandom that they resorted to hacking, harassment, and even scamming to try and shut them up to push this fake marriage

I intentionally baited them into making a statement about the bomb signing by flooding his tags with the pic to get it circulating because it was yet another decision he had received bad advice for that they were going to use at a later date if things went south, no they would be stupid and obvious to use it again so soon given that we exposed the fact his team running and managing his IG account are inept and do not have his best interests at heart

Having him out there signing bombs to begin with was propaganda his team agreed to as part of PR for Marvel, he did not go out there independently to do so, so to be honest we dont know what his real feelings are about it especially give the context of todays news climate

Honestly, I may have known about Palestine since I was a child but looking around and watching people eyes being opened about the truth to the situation makes me wonder if he too is one of the ones being woken up. I cant be mad at him for that, otherwise I'd have to be mad at them too. The media at large has been manipulated and suppressed by people with a lot of money for a very long time

I dont think those people who have continually tried to keep this suppressed realised just how angry it would make them, but if BLM taught the world anything it was that numbers have power and visibility matters, its also why they went after his fandom support it was the source of his protective power and we know how much rich people hate not having their way and how little regard the have for the average person who they cant manipulate to their own advantage

I think they saw the ASP platform as a threat to the overall political narrative and decided to act accordingly, and now we've ended up here

The fact that the  continues to go along with it happily lapping up what little attention it gets her is enough to tell me about her values and views, not to mention the confirmation we received from Mama Lisa herself......

There are very few moves left in this game, and it involve either setting him free from this mess, or him being backed into a corner so badly enough he actually lashes out to protect the people he cares about, I mean, if hes going down anyway he may as well take as many with him as he can while he does

It will be interesting to see what they choose given the domino effect disaster that awaits then if they don't

Given the exposure of the links between the aipac lobby and its links to zionist propaganda in Hollywood and their previous attempt to use him for it with that abysmal RSDR movie they've already tried to use him once before

I think he was targeted out of his own ignorance. I still think deep down he is a good person, but I think those directing him are also being directed and pressured by others

There is no doubt in my mind that this marriage is a sham, and PR sabotage, and that has never changed and never will

I dont care what BS story they try to keep selling, until this man is away from them and able to speak on his own terms, everything about this, "PR or Real" is a lie

[pielove123clan]

So many words. I just like laying and sitting in the dark when things feel bad. It's low sensory. Dang brain chemical imbalances.

So many things to do, so many things I want to do, so little energy to give to things I actually want to do. This is existing for now, but not forever. Death is coming but not for me, but death in the form of an ending and another beginning. It is how that goes, and the cycle repeats over and over.

But it still kind of sucks so I still have a right to complain about it a little in moderation to blow off steam. =p

I dunno. I never wanted to inherent birds. I have no choice but to have them when my mom dies but they require so much work and dedication I can not and don't have the will to give them. Not like their being taken good care of anyways, I had to lie and emotionally manipulate my parents just to hopefully get their nails trimmed tomorrow but theres the problem with not keeping my mouth shut, I have to follow though. If you've never owned birds, yeah its true untrimmed nails will cause injury to them. I just fibbed and straight up implied they'd die of bloodloss. I can try to 'justify' but that was shitty of me. But they never listen to me most of the time, cause pride. And I think I have minimal respect for them. I don't know.

Im a shitty daughter to my parents and any outward niceness I show here to any of you, my parents get little of that. I can tell you all the boo hoo sob stories I want but it won't change or suddenly justify anything either of us do. Its just null and I need to live with it. I can never show them too much appreciation and they can never show me any more love because I am still determined to wall myself off from them.

All I have are my friends but even then, I struggle to keep touch with everyone, I don't make enough of an effort of my end, and as much as these cellphones and instant messenger systems messed up social dynamics and timespans, I don't know. In my reality, I feel shitty. Its not my problem if people think I'm lieing to them, in fact its better their skeptical and pragmatic. That's a good skill and necessary to live with, I can be the same. It is what it is. I can't give you advice, I can't say anything, I can only stare and watch and listen as a mercy so I don't manipulate anyone with my twisted thoughts.

Words are powerful and once they come out of you, they take a life of their own. Its not a new thought but people don't fear them as much as they should. I fear my own words because they are blasphemous. Words and actions are all I have but actions are muted on a device. So all I have is blasphemy.

We have so much alcohol in this house but no one drinks it. Im save the alcohol for my lowest moments. It hasn't gone to that point yet but Im considering. We have a lot. Im an adult. At least I can vent here. It works ok enough so no one person has to hold onto this if they don't want to. Its consentual.