#it's probably still day 3 somewhere
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Shininginktober Days 2 & 3 - Bowie & Oddeye (+ Peter)
Quiet guy carrying the world on his shoulders, quiet guy with demons on his past, and a chicken who talks enough for three people. I love them. I also have no idea if I wanted Peter to be this big but it's too late to go back now lol
#shining force 2#shining series#shininginktober#shininginktober2023#sf2 bowie#sf2 peter#sf2 oddeye#it's one past midnight so yeah late but catch this gnarly wave of i dont care#it's probably still day 3 somewhere#also i was legit frustrated with other stuff the whole day so these boys managed to cheer me up and that's what matters#also when i started drawing i wanted like plausible deniability that it could be a canon scene#during his time as oddler#but i really don't care you know the guy didnt die to me#the sf2 canon ending is not real and it cannot hurt me#also kajiyama's design is so much better than the official one#you think i'm gonna figure out that whole drape? shut up. cool ass robe be upon you#oddler's official design is much like zynk's in that i love the establishing vibes#yes that looks like a guy that was massacred in battle and lost everything. yes that looks like a robot past an apocalypse#but if no one bought them clothes in the next 24 hours that's war crimes#2023
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I must inquire how both life and writing are treating you. I crave life update.
Well, I've got good news and bad news. Nothing's canceled, don't worry. It's kinda rambly, so I put it under the keep reading tab, but tl;dr is that more personal life stuff occurred that has dramatically altered the way I go about living for the time being. If you'd like to know more, go ahead.
The good news is that my schedule has recently opened up quite dramatically as of late, which theoretically means I have much more time for writing. The bad news is that the reason for this is that last week I injured my knee bad enough to where I can no longer walk on my own, and therefore no longer work. Very likely a meniscus injury, which is to say the best case scenario is that I need a few weeks of physical therapy to be able to walk again. I've got an MRI scheduled for tomorrow, so I'll know what's going on for sure following that.
On the bright side, I don't live alone, so I've been able to live a relatively comfortable existence despite that - just a lot of adjusting and having to rely on others (which is anathema to me btw bc my dumb ass brain keeps trying to convince me I'm burdening other people despite the fact I literally cannot help myself right now). This was also an injury that happened on the job, so I'm likely covered by Worker's Compensation. From what I understand, it's a pretty common injury among athletes, but an athlete I am not. I've already gone through the low points mental health-wise regarding all this, and these past few days have been spent just taking it easy and doing my best to make this entire situation something I can laugh about.
Sorry that this is just something that I'm dropping out of nowhere, but life does like to just throw shit at you like that - and I in particular can't seem to catch a break. But hey, if I'm feeling up to it here soon, I've got a lot more time on my hands to get back to work on Act 2.
#The Adjudicator has spoken.#on a completely unrelated note i'm playing through the Endwalker expansion on FFXIV rn and god motherfucking DAMN y'all#lowkey might write something for that game at some point#either that or probably something for persona 3#or perhaps persona 4 arena. i specifically bring up arena bc labrys is in that game and she's great#idk i've got a lot of things i've had passing thoughts about writing for#i've got an old crossover fic from like 2016 sitting in my drive that i never finished that calls to me like the green goblin mask#i was a teenager when i wrote that. it is definitely one of the things i've ever written#not gonna say what the fandoms are bc if i did you could narrow down what fic it actually is bc the crossover is so damn niche#it's out there somewhere. in it's unfinished primordial state#i still get emails about it. i must finish what i've started#one of these days....
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the best girls (my opinion) (movies only)
#emilie de ravin#my things#not only mice but also gifs#reason: i've watched everything relatively short (as slowly as i could🥲) (and wanted to play with fonts x))#(“air force one is down” is technically a miniseries but it's 2 parts under 3 hours so i consider it a movie because i do what i want)#(also the fact that “love and other troubles” must exist somewhere in a decent quality and i can't find it annoys me very much🥲)#i'll probably never fully rewatch most of these (for various reasons) except for “remember me” and maybe “santa's slay” x))#i feel like i have to watch “lost” now but i don't want to be emotionally invested in anything Long#+i didn't avoid watching it when it aired only to start it 15 years later🥲#why everyone back in the day seemed to latch on one particular movie character almost entirely ignoring the rest is still a mystery to me🙃#(though i still know nothing and the party is still over)#follow me for more mediocre gifs and salty opinions on things no one has been interested in for several years now lol#anyem#my anyem/anyelle things
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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Recent misc pictures
#image 1 - sky of course.. beautiful clouds time. Image 2 - steak and scrambled eggs with a mushroom spinach sautee sort of thing#and an apple fritter (all cooked at home of course except for the apple fritter... still wishing I could ever get food out or have it made#for me so I don't have to do the effort of making it all myself.. it just tastes better sometimes when you're in a relaxed state eating#it rather than a 'just stood in the kitchen for 1hr' state lol). Image 3 - nice gray clouds with the sun through them.#Image 4 - 4 tiny gyoza type things with a tiny Diet Restriction Friendly size portion of iced coffee and a starshaped ice cube#Images 5 - 7 - these interesting flowers I came across whilst walking on a trail. I think the way they grow is cool. And that the buds of#them are so fluffy and such. Image 8 - 9 -- more stinky word counts... aughhh...... Trying to plan a full timeline of when#I might actually finish the game and I'm estimating currently like July 2025 as an insanely optimistic ideal and October 2025 as my very#late one. So likely somewhere in between. Or even later if something happens as things tend to do (computer explodes. etc)#Both are HOT months for oregon so I guess that's what started me off thinking and dwelling on the passage of time and the weather.. grrr#I wish I could be done with it tomorrow or something and then just relax and play sims all winter knowing my work is done lol#But I feel like the impending summer (as well as many other impending societally threatening things) give me too much urgency to be like#WAUGh i need to get this done NOWWW.. But I still wish I could relax and enjoy the winter a litttle. eugh... ANYWAY. I did finish the#discord for the game but I still don't know if I'll use that. I need to work more on the game itself and the itch.io page. But then also#I should probably talk about it or try to cultivate a small base of people (like a discord) who actually care about it and could become#future playtesters so I have that all ready well before the game actually is done so I needn't scramble at the last minute.. If I were#smart. and had social skills. and had energy (< has none of these things). So inevitably who knows if shall be able to muster any such feat#At least I'm getting like.. some words done.. some days. I am making progress. It's just never good enough considering the circumstances#(< looming instability and time passing in what feels like a very fast manner). ANYWAY.. lol... Image 10 - recent game of Price#Is Right Plinko Pegs my beloved game which I return to to play like maybe 2 rounds of once every 5 months... one day I shall win... Though#I'm incresingly uncertain if there even IS a last level. Or if its designed to go on forever/make you fail at a point to keep you playing..#Last two images - CLOUDS again. A very cloud heavy photo diary this time it seems lol#Also trying to: - post a few more costumes from drafts. - make new friend survey thing. - edit videos - make a sculpture. - set up#things to actually sell sculptures. - doctors appointments. - pack up things to possibly move before the summer to an apartment which#will still not have central AC but maybe at least is not west facing (so gets direct sun hottest part of the day and is a greenhouse)#Life is a constant revolving to do list with occasional sleep & looking at clouds in between.. (sigh)(pauses)(slightly more whimsical sigh)#photo diary
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I stan Alphy's character development. Me too, lil buddy.
#this is very much the Girls Night expansion with Lyse and Alisaie but Alphy should still get a nod for this :P#learning not to trust capitalists my baby <3#tbh the Hancock intro speech talking about a shadow war with capitalism links right into the most recent patch's economy stuff#and the fact R-a-H is very much a part of this trade circle#*plus Carv is probably raiding Vrtra's ships for the spices HE trades#does remind you that all these players have been on the board so long#(I mean the HW alc quests teach you R-a-H alchemists can make human homunculi which sure is a detail to keep in mind)#endwalker spoilers#ffxiv#anyway I remain constantly fascinated by the portrayal of global capitalism in this game#especially since it's somewhere between 1700s trade routes and next day delivery#and like... medieval situations#garlean magitek is there too#alas I just listen to podcasts about the current world real news I don't know any real economic theory
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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Thank you For making me feel alive again For making me believe in myself again For making me have passion again For saving me There's no words out there that can describe how I feel without me sounding cheesy and corny, but you have no idea how much you helped me rediscover myself. I wish there were more times when I could see you. Maybe one day.. we could do it all again Thank you so much for that day of January 8th, 2023 @jampreserves @banyanas
#kleo draws#friends#idk man i just dont know how to express it#its crazy how much this movie helped me#without you id probably never watch it#id probably just disappear somewhere never to be seen again#and even though we dont talk much anymore i still love you lots#i will never stop calling you my friends#i wish we could talk more#but i know my mental issues might come in the way and thats my responsibility to solve them all#you two are one of my closest people since 2019-2020...#i posted this a day early because i just wanted to let it all out#i love you jam and bany <3
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I’m like half asleep but I’m thinking about a “bad” god!Gale endgame where a heartbroken Tav is unwilling to just let what they had with Gale go because he’s lost himself. Under the divine veneer, there’s still something of the mortal man left and Tav is going to find a way to bring him back.
Whether he wants to or not.
#Rumors start circulating about a haunted looking traveler destroying shrines to the new god of ambition#scholars and clerics reporting sightings and even meetings with an individual asking one question: how does one kill a god#idk I’m just thinking thoughts#I don’t usually go for darker ideas but this won’t leave me alone#and like I’d like to believe if there is something of the mortal Gale left in there he’d regret what he became#but be unable to resist the urge to grow his power and see how far he can go#he’s too far gone to help himself but not too far gone to be helped ya feel???#and he’s gonna resist tav’s efforts but at the end of the day he still loves them and can’t really hurt them#so he just kinda haunts them#perhaps tav is bolstered by the dreams they keep having about the version of Gale they fell in love with#he’s still in there somewhere#they just have to figure out how to cut the god out of him#ok this probably isn’t anything I’m going to bed bye#bg3#baldur's gate 3#gale of waterdeep#mine
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i was on zillow today, fantasizing about being able to live somewhere, when i came across the listing for my childhood home. it wasn't active/being sold, but it was on there with some pics of the interior. and my GOD. THEY MADE HER UGLY. THEY TOOK HER RUSTIC PUSSY OUT. WHAT THE FUCK
#i'd share pics if it didn't dox me a little#but it's SO SAD#PLS#i needed to see her... curiosity got me. i dream of this house genuinely nearly every night#but like. oh my god.#this is probably for the best bc it means i cant romanticize about buying this home again one day and expecting it to look at all like#it did#but they literally took down to bare bones and reshaped her and ohh my god#babes there was so much gorgeous wood work in that house#there was an accent exposed brick wall in the living room#the open layout was still closed off Enough to feel like separate rooms. but they opened it even more#AND THEY TOOK AWAY THE BARSTOOL/COUNTER AREA ?? IM SO CONFUSED#WHY WOULD U DO THAT#YOU COULD SIT AT THIS GORGEOUS BLACK GRANITE COUNTER AND EAT SITTING IN THE LIVING AREA AS SOMEONE YOU LOVE SERVED YOU A MEAL DIRECTLY FROM#THE KITCHEN#i'm not genuinely bent out of shape about this btw. i just had to share this somewhere sldkjfdskl#people will buy YOUR childhood home and make it ''''MODERN.'''' it will happen one day to YOU#they will paint the walls GRAY & take the pussy out of her TOO (the walls were warm deep yellows/oranges/reds. bedrooms were lighter blues)#THEY TOOK AWAY THE WARM COLORED TILES OF THE LIVING AREA AND REPLACED IT WITH UGLY WOOD FLOORING ???#THEY REMOVED THE MOLDINGS ENTIRELY ??#NO MORE WINDOW LEDGES ??????#WHAT WAS HAPPENING HERE#praying that these were In Progress pics and somebody has returned love to this home since bc. my god#again vague for my own safety but i moved out within the last decade and the home was resold in the last 5 or so years and thats when these#pics r from i think. so they've had time to fix her since#and boy was she a fixer upper after the horrors that happened inside those walls </3 ASLKDFJSAK#i should literally just write about this and instead i'm posting on tumblr#yeah that's life. that's being a tumblrina writer.#personal#.txt
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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Friends, past and present
#Squid Ink Spaghetti AU#Snow on Mt. Silver#Glitchy Red#Lost Silver#Insomnia Silver#Blake definitely kept that little photo; probably has it framed in his room somewhere#His Octarian Army days may be far behind him and things are much better for him but he still treasures the memories :3#Side note: I really love how they actually look slightly younger in the polaroid#I say when I'm the one who drew the dang thing LOL#Doodle dump#Ceebie draws
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world decided to be nice to me and let me dream of bakura and let me interact with him but now i’m yearning So Bad
#oddshipping#head in hands. temptation to go back to sleep just to see if it’ll happen again is so high but it’s already noon#i was thinking of him so much yesterday. i swear i do every day but at least my brain was nice to me today#this stands out to me a lot because bakura is. prickly and mean and bad and terrible and i still love him so much#but of course the insecurity of him maybe Not returning those feelings creeps in sometimes#but having a dream about him. getting to feel close to him even if only for a moment#makes those bad questions and thoughts about him not liking me go away for a little#i already can’t even recall what the dream was lol oops#i just know we were stuck somewhere and we were trying to get out and he looked at me a bit more kindly than everyone else#i was a little bummed to wake up i won’t even lie…..#will think of that for the rest of the day probably. boyfriend <3
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My sibling is trying to out Link me, you DARE QUESTION THE OG!! THE MASTER !! THE HOLDER OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF LINK !!!!!
#okay tbf I'm not super into all the lore and stuff but I do know some stuff lol#trivia and fun facts and I forget there was some sort of timeline somewhere#I haven't got the hype for the new game yet honestly it'll probably come about later#my brain is going more towards Toon Link games which tbf I enjoy Toon Link a lot#thinking about Four Swords and Minish Cap as well as Wind Waker of OG obviously#sadness tho cuz I went thru a lotta trouble to get Spirit Tracks but I didn't get the chance to play it cuz !!#it has blow mechanics :( it's meant for the DS but I had a 3DS and the 3DS microphone doesn't work as well :(#tbf I do think my old DS is around somewhere but I gave it to my sibling after I got my 3DS so no idea where they put it#ANYWAY idk if I even still HAVE the game I lost a good chunk of them from moving like 3 times to different places :(#plus I use to go on trips a lot and would take games with me so probably lost some along the way there as well#one day I will play all the Zelda games as I deserve to do even tho I fuckin suck so hard at those games but NO MATTER !!#I must do it... for the experience 😌#plus maybe read some of the manga#not in Zelda mode atm tho maybe if I played A Link Between Worlds I'd get back into it I dunno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#my sibling better not lose my games
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