#it's pathetic but idk what else to do
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Not me on dating sites trying to fill the hole that Loumand has left behind. Not me at all
#it's pathetic but idk what else to do#that couple has destroyed me#this is why I don't like tragedies#I can't emotionally escape them#here I was perfectly happy being more or less single(give or take a couple of tertiary girlfriends)#and now I'm just like#someone fill this romantic and kinky void in me#please#interview with the vampire#iwtv#loumand#otp: I want you more than anything in the world#humor#iwtv humor
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arrives 15 min late with a latte
......sup
#yosuke hanamura#persona 4#cool now that its done i can ramble in the tags#fellas im surprised hes here and done#did not think that was gonna happen#fuck i forgot smth#eh ill fix it before i make my print#anywho i might make more i might not who knows not i#yukiko is the next one i have half an idea on but also i have some shining nikki designs rattling around with my sole braincell#i also made a shadow alt for the back but idk if i like the mouth so yall arent gonna see him#also i need to find a gold foil guy that does odd sizes and like moq of 1#bc i wanna do this in gold foil#and its tarot card size bc im dumb as hell#but i want a print for my wall and i know sure as shit no one else will want one hence the moq of 1#my heart wants to make the whole major arcana for p4 but my past completed works says Ā°āā.ą³ąæ*:ļ½„ šš Ā°āā.ą³ąæ*:ļ½„#so whatever gets done will get done#also im gonna reblog this a lot bc i put in too many hours to get a singular note by me so like if you dont wanna see it block me lmfao#if you have any hot takes for future cards please share with the class bc i only have ideas for yukiko and a full cast she does not make fr#so uh yeah yeehaw#idk what else to ramble about but like cannot believe yosuke fucking hanamura is the first chara to get a completed piece in 5 years#im not fucking kidding#the rest were all quick graphite or abandoned#hes not even my fave in p4- thats naoto protag chan kou and nanako#boys lucky to hit top 5#he just kinda crawled into my affection like some kind of sad pathetic creature idk how it happened either#maybe hes overprocessed now that im looking at it#nope i looked too long this is it this is how he is#ill do better by the women i promise
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I want to befriend more rtc fans, you guys are so cool omg
#ā the angel catalogue ļ¼#ā abbey ļ¼#ā sky ļ¼#ā ride the cyclone ļ¼#ride the cyclone#rtc#rtc musical#ride the cyclone musical#i love my moots#be friends with me#i'm so cool#i promise im cool#this is not pathetic(?)#what i'm doing with my life#š#skysky#idk what else to tag#idk tbh#hello :3#idk how tags work
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can.. can I ask for an affectionate reader with characters who arenāt normally likeā¦ used to the love? like, not just through words but physical affection like hand-holding, kisses, hugs, all that shebang. probably with a few people like yelan, ei, basically any character that is either cut-off from society or seems socially distant or isolated. š
ā affectionate reader with yelan, ei, & furina
[ 4.2 Archon Quest spoilers ]
Ć yelan
Varies between how you display your affection, to be honest. Just like being affectionate with people? She's cool with it as long as you don't pop by while she's working (mostly because she'll end up dragging you into it for a bit of fun). I don't think she's all that touchy feely herself, but she'll absolutely get you gifts insteadā like pretty knick nacks? She'll make sure to snag any she thinks you might like. Like a good meal? Sure, she'll take you out to one of the restaurants in the city, doesn't matter how expensive. Her treat. If you do prefer physical gifts rather then being taken out, you'll eventually get used to the random unmarked letters and packages showing up where your staying pretty often. It's obvious to know who it came from even if she never signs anything.
Flirty reader, though? Whole nother can of worms and now it's a challenge. The more confident you are the more interested she is. The other acolytes would absolutely seethe at the idea but she has no hesitation at just straight up flirting backā she's as charismatic as they come and she's got a poker face that's basically impenetrable. She'll probably also make a bet to see who cracks first (she always wins, unsurprisingly). Probably won't get dragged into any of her schemes this way but if you ask politely maybe she'll consider it, anyway.
The smell of freshly brewed tea and the clatter of dice across wood was a common sight at the Yanshang Teahouseā less common was the woman secluded in the far corner, her lips pulled into a grin that flashed fangs and a look that would scare off the most confident of men.
She'd normally try to scope out any new blood that'd made the mistake of stepping into her teahouse and was equally stupid enough to accept a gamble against her just for the thrill of it, but she was far too absorbed in the warm body at her side, one of her die clasped tightly in their hand as she guided them through the motionsā they had a knack for it, she had to admit. The thought made her preen, the clatter of the die as it rolled across the table giving her that subtle, familiar rush.
Even if she knew exactly where it'd land.
"Six. Hm, maybe you're just lucky," She muses, plucking the die from the table and holding it up to her eye like a prized jewel, "Or maybe you're not as innocent as you'd have us believe." There's a sharp glint in her eyes at the prospect, but everyone else has the sense to keep their heads down and their words to themselves as she tosses the die herself.
"So why don't we find out and make a bet, just between you and me?"
Ć ei
Varies between Ei and the Shogun, because you'll probably be seeing either as much as the other. Sometimes you gotta really squint to tell who it is sometimes, but you get used to it. Both are fairly similar, though, in that their first instinct (especially in public) is to tense up like you're about to attack them or something. Difference is Ei eventually relaxes after a solid minute of trying to process your sudden affection and, if no one else is around, she might even reciprocate. Just don't tease her for being a little stiff and awkward about it, she's trying. That's what happens when your only company is a robot and uh. Nothing. For like 500 years. She's trying. Raiden, on the other hand, is just about as awkward as you can imagine. She's polite (blunt) about it because Ei is fond of you and also you are. The Creator. But she's not really built to deal with personal relationships and so she doesn't know how to deal with affection.
..Depending on what you do you may or may not blue screen Ei hard enough that she retreats back to PoE
Ei usually isn't fond of sitting still, unless it's to meditate. At least then she goes in with a purpose, something to achieveā but now, she's just focused on trying not to make a fool of herself. Her muscles are starting to ache from how hard she's tensing, though, in an effort to sit as straight and still as possible as their hands glide through her hair, weaving it into a single braid.
She can just barely hear the subtle lilt of their voice as they humā and though it is soothing, it is also..very distracting. She can't focus long enough to try and meditate, too lost in the gentle rise and fall of their voice and the care they take to braid her hair. If she'd had a heart, she'd sure it'd be beating so wildly against her ribcage they could hear it.
But then it stopsā their hands fall back to their sides and their humming falters. She freezes, too, racking her brain for any slights she must have committed. Instead, she is met with a calm, tender touch on the back of her neck, making her inhale sharply.
"Am I making you uncomfortable, Ei? You're so tense.." She has to grit her teeth to stop herself from bowing so low her head presses against the ground, her hands folded in her lap, clenching instinctively. "..No, Divine One." She answers simply, trying to contain the adoration swelling in her chest.
Yet as much as she tries to relax, to ease their worries, she finds that she cannot.
"Hm." That small murmur, a simple sound that nearly made her jump, was the only warning she got before they scooted closer, wrapping their arms around her stomach and resting their chin on her shoulder with a grin she would liken to Miko's, if she dared to make such a comparison. "Really?"
She swears she must've been feverish at the affection, lightheaded and dazed until she thought she might simply perish at the brush of their hands against her own.
Much to her embarrassment, however, she doesn't realize she's instinctively pulled back into Plane of Euthymia until she sees the familiar dull purples engulf her vision once again.
Though only a small solace, it seemed a little..brighter, this time.
Ć furina
Varies between pre 4.2 and post 4.2 archon quests to be honest.
Pre 4.2 she comes off as very vainā of course the most Divine would see fit to spoil her with affection! She deserves it, and is obviously their favorite! Just don't look too hard because she's terrible at hiding how flustered she actually is. Absolutely goes home right after and screams into her pillow for at least thirty minutes minimum.
Post 4.2 she's a lot more openly bashful and flustered. She's really not used to affection and even the smallest show of it has her folding immediately. Now that she doesn't need to worry about being found out she's a lot more receptive to affection. Cup her cheeks and compliment her and her knees are buckling. Like. Especially weak for compliments and praise (she deserves it. please spoil her).
She swears she must be hallucinatingā she had been having trouble sleeping recently. But..no. The visage of the Creator was as real as the sweat beading on her brow as she stared at them for a long, awkward moment. Should..she let them in? But then they'd see the pathetic state she was in, and the last thing she wanted to do was make a fool of herself in front of them-!
Her choice was quickly made for her, anyway, as she let out an undignified squeak of surprise when they suddenly tugged her forward into their chest, enclosing her in a hug.
Her first reaction was to freezeā her second was becoming absolutely flustered, her cheeks flushing a soft pink and her mouth closing and opening as she tried to find her words.
"Iā ah..um." She stumbled over her words instead, floundering like a fish out of water. Yet she felt a distinct sense of emptiness wash over her when they finally pulled back, looking a touch sheepish. "Sorry, sorryā you just looked like you needed a hug."
The silence spoke for itself, her shoulders tensing slightly. But the way the concern and affection bled through their voice made her waver, her hands trembling as she let out a shaky breath that almost sounded like a sigh.
"It's..It's fine! Fine, I'm fine." She repeated, trying desperately to ignored the way her voice cracked and how hot her face feltā though it was more an attempt to affirm herself that she was not thinking about how warm they felt, how much she..actually enjoyed the hug. She wasn't thinking about it all! Absolutely not!
..Maybe a little.
"Just warn me next time, please?"
#asks#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#yelan#furina#ei#THIS DIDNT SHOW UP IN MY INBOX UNTIL LIKE#NOVEMBERBIM SORRY IM ANSERRING IT SO LATE??????#tumblr working right is a miracle that will never happen#anyway can u tell i have. biases. there r so many characters I wanted to write for this (shenhe.........) but I forced myself to limit it#to 4 for my own sanity and everyones elses#also didnt know if u wanted just yan or sagau so I went for my specialty š§āāļø#was gonna include my beloved cryo archon but decided against it#ei the pathetic lesbian that u r....mwah#I'm sorry this took so long it took me 50 yrs to figure out yelan.. š#i am still not confident abt my characterization of her but shes so good at her job even im confused abt her#reading her lore crying and sobbing in the corner. shaking her like a can of soda#checks note idk uhh cocky doesnt let herself form personal relationships charismatic uhhhhhhhh#idk dont ask me i just started praying and hoping for the best here#i think she'd get a kick out of getting reader into like. fudging rolls and shit. create an absolute menace out of reader#set them loose and see what chaos happens#just kicks back and watches it all unfold internally laughing her ass off#i didnt know whether to just do headcanons in uh. bulleted list or like#full on drabbles
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#sematary#haunted mound#idk man#rainbow bridge#ghost mountain#idk how to tag this#solventabuser#idk what else to tag#idk#idk what im doing#all cops are bastards#small dick loser#loser humiliation#pathetic loser#loser core#i hate my self#i wanna die#buckshot#hackle down on em#hackle#turnabout#gonerville#oscar18#solventabuse
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Whatever
Tw: sfx
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#sh cvt#cat scratches#cvtt!ng#de@th#whatever#i wanna kms#sh#cvtblr#i hate everything#i want to kms#im going to kms#idk#cvt pic#sfx makeup#tw sfx#fake sfx#self h@rm#self mutalition#s3lf mutilation#self mutilator#tw s3lf harm#tw#ahahahaha#pathetic loser#nothing#lalalala#what else do i tag#im crazy#i hate this#cvtting is silly
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#Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Mmmmmhhh#I had to step away and do something very quick after watching the episode so now I'm afraid I forgot all of it lol#Okay thoughts:#I'm afraid I'll keep saying this every time. Do not. Give me. An amv opening. Don't do that. Postpone your airing date. I don't care#I feel like I wasn't as pissed with it when they did that for s3 but it's probably a case of the s3 opening at least looked somewhatā#better (??) + you can make a mistake once but don't think I will let it slip a second time#Other than that... To be fair this episode was animated fairly well. I think you can really notice a big quality drop after theā#Ranpo-realizing-who-Kamui-is sequence but overall it's more than okay.#The colours of the ship irk me a little but to be fair I never thought colours were b/sd anime strong point...#This episode was sooooooo political in so many ways I could literally talk about it for hours#(don't test me I'm not kidding. Talking about politics in anime for hours is something I've done in the past and will do in the future.)#(Then again I study/think/breathe politics pretty much 24/7 so is that really surprising... )#I need to write an essay on Fukuchi's speech alone. The public speech communication techniques [redacted Italian politics comment].#The way he's welcomed [redacted eu parliament comment]. Unfortunately I don't have time for it but breaking it down very quickly#1. Suggesting to unify defences worldwide is INSANE. No one would ever take it. Probably going to be cynical here but there's one (1) thing#states care about and it's the independence of their own sovereignty (that is: no one has the right to come and tell what must be doneā#within one's borders). Eu has been trying to do exactly that (unify defences) for decades to no avail. Nato is on the brink of crumblingā#down. It's just... Such a distant perspective from how the world works right now? Idk.#Which brings me to 2. Even if it's deeply inconsistent with how world politics work the bsd un perspective is still very coherent withā#a latter thesis brought up in the manga that is ācountriest tend to merge and come togetherā which is. Very anti-historical if you ask meā#but idk. Beautiful to imagine I suppose.#What else uhm... I liked the drawings this episode... Even Atsushi was back being pretty at some points... (Generally not really a fan ofā#what the style in the later seasons came to be). Also 55 Minutes reference ā¼ā¼ā¼#I like Fukuchi's character so much......... I love idealist characters... And the inherent loneliness... The longing... The yearning!!!!!!#I love him so. Oh and I LOVED Akutagawa. I thought his entrance wouldn't have impacted me after all this time (and after knowingā#what episode 3 will be lol). And yet it was such an emotional moment!!!! What do you mean Atsushi is scared to be alone and Akutagawa isā#coming for him!!!!!! I'm crying all my tears. And Akutagawa was so cool in the end!!! By heart was beating so fast!!!!!#It's the etheral blurred light...#The way he still manages to come off so cool despite being inherently pathetic is nothing short to miraculous
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piggybacking off of this post, i did get paid today (8.4.23) but already have very little left for the next 2 weeks as i had to pay (half of) rent & bills, already bought some food too plus my hours are still cut on top of it. im not sure how im gonna survive the next 2 weeks without financial help. so if anyone has anything to spare & can, feel free to do so through tumblr tips or my p^yp^l - it would be greatly appreciated <3 there's no set goal, simply any amount helps until my next paycheck which will be on august 18th !! if you cant d.0n8te, pls reblog so this can reach more kind ppl !!
#working for a living but im not even living n im barely surviving lmao !! cool#sorry .. i feel pathetic ebegging so often but idk what else to do :/#friends & even strangers on the internet have been way more helpful than those i know irl including my own family which is sad#. ā *
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Am I being an idiot
#How effective can a therapist I'm attracted to be#I think I'm doing both of us a disservice#Cause I hate the idea of making myself seem pathetic in front of such a hot woman#But I also don't really wanna find anyone else#I think therapy is the wrong place to try being a loverboy and yet#But I also can't just like#Drop her#It's obviously POSSIBLE#But I'd hate to just abandon her with no explanation#But what the absolute fuck am I supposed to say to her#Hey I have feelings for you so I can't be seen by you anymore#That's EMBARRASSING#But idk if I'm really getting what I need by being seen by someone I'm into and want to impress#How can I be a wet Lil meow meow in front of a cute ass lesbian#Chat tell me I'm being dumb#But she also offered to read my writing and I want lesbians to read it!!!!!#I can't get that with a hettie#I want her thoughts on my story#I am so incredibly conflicted lmao
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a random thought but i really am very obsessed with how deeply committed bruce is to his love of people and to the extent that itās a regular divide between him and talia. not that she is without love, no, hardly so, but love will never come before principle for her in the sense that the principle does stem from love, but from a selfless love, not a selfish one. and i use these two descriptors purely as a means of analyzing perspective, so selfless and selfish not necessarily as moral indicators as they are often used today but merely as expressions of whether youāre acting for the sake of others or for yourself. talia is someone repeatedly acting at expense to herself for the sake of others. she gives her child away, she ends her marriage, she doesnāt say a word about it again for years despite having the chance, she takes on a high level espionage mission without speaking a word to her ex-lover, maybe to protect herself, maybe to protect him. whether those were worthwhile decisions to take is certainly debatable, but she acts near strictly from a perspective of caring about others and the world first. bruce is comparatively a very selfish person. every victim an extension of his own trauma, every grief taken to heart, every desperation for companionship so heavily internalized that he ends up pushing people away bc at some point he canāt bear to take them down under with him in his sorrow. itās funny that he tries to be the rational voice in a room bc up to a point he is, but he also cares too much about his own personal affairs to be that way consistently
and in light of all of that i am thinking about the conversations he and talia must have in that alternate universe where damian is normal and newly revealed to both of them as a concrete concept in their lives, for bruce as the son he never had and for talia as the son she gave away, come back to them by way of fate. why did you never tell me you didnāt actually miscarry. why did you never tell me you had a son and you gave him away. why did you pretend like it was over when it never was. why did you look me repeatedly in the eyes over the years like there wasnāt something more that was there. when you said you couldnāt talk about it before i boarded a plane back home i held my tongue. when you let yourself be beaten within an inch of your life bc your city was falling to pieces i held my tongue. when my father took the contingency plans you made and used them to turn your friends against you i held my tongue. when i worked for a man who would for all intents and purposes use the knowledge of my relationship with you against you i held my tongue
how can bruce, a person so wrapped up in his love for people, not understand the number of sacrifices that talia has had to make for his own sake. her repeated protection of him, of his sanity, of his sanctity, is simultaneously her greatest crime and her greatest benevolence to him. she carried that grief of loss for years and years bc of how important bruce is to her. and bruce loves her, loves damian, too much to even begin to understand what love means outside of the parameters of his own feelings for them. that is his dilemma writ large wrt people he loves. that he canāt see the extent of what they do for him, bc he loves them too much and doesnāt know how to get out of the sheer grief and possessiveness of it
#bruce wayne#talia al ghul#heās like an asian mom kind of. but yeah like i think this is the one thing i am willing to cede to anti bruce people#albeit it makes me more obsessed with him rather than makes me hate him lmao#like idk i think itās fascinating how like. inadvertently self obsessed he is#like i really donāt think he does it on purpose heās simply. incredibly attached to the people he cares about#and that kind of messes everything else up bc itās like#he does the mature thing. physically. he lets people leave and he doesnāt retaliate against their anger (ntt abuse begone)#he kinda sorta just sits with it. but thatās exactly the problem š like bro. process. process..#not everything is about you and how sad and pathetic and miserable you are of your own choice!#sometimes you have to think about what other people are doing for you! bc they love you and thatās love too!#you canāt infantilize the people in your life bc you care about them. you canāt rob them of their capacity to care for you in equal measure#personal essays
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Wait, so you mentioned a few times you've got Strong Feelings about 7RS, so uh. could you articulate those feelings please?
they are just so fuckin....
like aight my initial reactions to some of the broadcasts were this
(didn't have it figured out yet that Suns used they/them at that time)
because like lets set the setting for NSH here, alright? he has this friend he's been loving for who knows how fucking long. after all the Ancients left everybody was ought to feel lonely and thank the all good in this world he has probably found solace in this other iterator, Looks to the Moon. she means a lot to him. he wants her to be okay
so he tells this to this one other guy he's been talking with and also finding solace in. he tells them that he really cares for Moon, that they've been close, that he's so fucking scared right now for her because he just doesn't want her to be hurt. he cares for her to SUCH extent that he leaves behind his jokester shtick (and local therapist friend shtick, as per me headcanons and perception) and actually grows cold and actually kind of fucking bitey????
like in one broadcast i was marvelling over how healthy their communication actually seemed, next moment i know NSH is hammering it into Suns how much of a fucking idiot they are for all of this. the THERAPIST FRIEND goes OUT of his way to ATTACK HIS FRIEND (however subtly and verbally). that is INSANE to me, i'm often in the position of the therapist friend and it usually takes so much for me to actively attack and then give a cold shoulder to the bud???
and on top of all of this Suns goes ahead and call this entire dooming fucking situation a "SETBACK" to Pebbles' development into a satisfactory enough cynical person, i'm going to fucking throttle this toaster.
but at the other hand, despite all of this, Suns isn't necessarily a bad person! i'm not actually saying that nor i actually think that. they obviously care for people (Pebbles, Spear), but they are just so fucking emotionally stupid that they don't know how to go about it or they just really realize a thing much Later. they are slow as shit when it comes to processing emotions. they are analytical and very logic based, which isn't a bad thing but yanno! no matter how you are as a person you are still responsible how you are going to act towards the people around you. you are expected to Not Hurt others and such a thing as actually Hurting someone will not be accepted
low empathy or low sympathy or lack of experience with the emotional aspect of life does not equal or excuse being a shit person
again, but they do care. all of the iterators are fucked up by a religion taken to extremist reaches (as per my understanding of the lore and the RW world). so naturally, they are going to believe that sending step by step instructions on how to commit suicide is a good thing. so i don't actually blame them for that, even though it is horrifying when We look at it. it's how they showed that they care for this little pink fool. they tell him that everything is useless and they are fated to run in circles over and over again. that it is good to lose your ambitions and the fire of a fight in you. they truly think That is the best course of action one can take- the whole Society believes in that and because of That these helplessness inducing advices are signs of care and love
they want Pebbles to be happy. they want to lead him to safety and show him how things work. protect him from the tiring useless fight that is swimming against the stream of a river
and yet they are so cold and hurtful. Suns is a mess of opposites- the warm and kinder ones forced behind their Exact negatives
#Spot says stuff#rw#Seven Red Suns is... heavy#if you know what i mean by that. fuckin makes sense too what with their name being that goddamn#this also goes hand in hand with my take that Pebbles is actually the least pathetic iterator in the whole fuckin game n i 'FUCK everybody-#-else. i reSPECT you!!!!!!!!!!!' meme#idk if my rambling is understandable but yea... i think this is the best i can do when it comes to explainin my views on Suns
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.
#I'm literally never going to own a home of my own#I'm going to live and die in the same house as my parents and I'm never going to have my own space to call my own#to make my own or to spread out and have my own space#People wonder why I don't feel like a fucking adult#and I can tell them plain as day that it's because I live at home with no job and all I do all day is draw read and look at fucking#fictional shit all day#sure I work on the property but so fucking what#I'm still just wasting away at home with no life no friends nothing to do#I dont want to volunteer anywhere because it's only hard labor shit and I cant physically do those things#and the only other volunteer shit around me is church stuff and I will NOT be helping any churches anywhere fucking ever for anyone#idk#I try to meet people and I have nothing to talk about#everyone else seems to be having their own lives with shit going on and multiple social circles and here I am unable to even string togethe#more than two sentences because it usually only takes that long to get to āso what do you do?ā and I have to figure out a way to explain#that I'm living at home with no job no friends and no life in a way that doesn't look fucking pathetic as fuck#I'm not well educated so I just fall behind in most conversation#I can't contribute so whats the fucking point#The only people I have to talk to are my parents because what else am I gonna do? I can't keep complaining to you guys all the time#not like it's going to change anything#if anything it will just make people avoid me more for always being a fucking downer all the time#my parents vaguely get my frustration but they can't do anything#not like we have money or connections of any kind so there's no 'setting me up' with other people my age#honestly I just wish the fucking internet would go away#maybe then more people would get out of their houses and go outside and meet people#idk i'm just fucking done with everything#I'm so numb and so tired and so lonely and I don't know what it is I want because every time I meet someone knew it's like I can't get clos#I don't feel ready for a relationship but I also feel like I'm fucking wasting away alone by myself and I really crave closeness#but I'm also not a dating person#I'm not here to waste another 5 years to someone just fucking around#i want a life time relationship
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Thinking I don't want to post art anymore
#on the fence about making it too#like... idk man. it took SO much energy and effort and motivation to work on art for the first time in like?? a month??#and i was excited for it only because id hoped someone else could get excited about it too#and then yk after i worked up the nerve to post it publically on a server the first thing that happens#is it gets unceremoniously covered only two hours later. when i hesitated because i KNEW that would happen#and i feel just. too tired to complain or fight it#whats the point yk.#all i want my art to do is start a conversation#art is my in. its my foot in the door. its the homemade snacks you bring to a friends house so you can talk about how good the snacks are#and then talk about something else. i just want to get the ball rolling. i want to feel like i am a fun and valuable person to talk to#because look at what i brought to talk about. look what i made#its not even about validation or appreciation or anything. idc about that. i care about opening a dialouge.#and when i cant even do that with art then... whats the point#... idk. this is real pathetic of me no matter how i look at it#just had to get it out *somewhere*
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life is falling through my fingers more that usually
#iāve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january#and itās gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof)#2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression#like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else#and iāve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore#like iām light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly iāll genuinely fall down crying#and i canāt seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either#ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved#oh thank god#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i canāt solve them by myself#esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when theyāre sympathetic and nice about it i still feel#like such a pathetic idiot my god#also iāve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure#from silly things to more serious ones#like how i didnāt attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one#the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid#so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or#thanked them etc#and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that#was it and idk where we stand#and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i canāt tell if itās just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but#unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me#iāve never felt grounded in any moment and itās so strange#also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever#š#niedziela wieczĆ³r i humor popsuty co mogÄ powiedzieÄ
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now im so fucking bored again. please help.......
#pogaduchy#i dont wanna go to sleep yet but idk what else to do with myself :( the sad life of a pathetic friendless loser...
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somebody stole my food frm the pantry fridge im cant fucking do this
#i ordered it yesterday i cant just cash out 250 more#it literally wasnt even in there for 12 hours and its just fucking goneee#im genuinely so upset this is my last straw#i have a horrible assignment due on christmas morning and i cant see my family for new years and ive been going through horrible dysphoria#these past few weeks i just wanted to eat my leftover chicken noodles in peace i hate everything#im sorry this is pathetic but idk what else to do#im not having a good time rn#i hope that bitch breaks her ankle
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