#it's our own lil only murders in the building

[moodboard-jlf23]

Bucket list item--unlocked! Dream future home, an apartment in Villa Riviera

[neroushalvaus]

Tumblr in the 60s – Part 2

Part 1 / Deleted Scenes

💁🏼‍♀️brigittebardots Follow

anyone want to get fake married so i can get the pill to slut around

💋 marrymetwiggy Follow

Just say you have painful monthlies, I heard it works if you have a nice doctor!

💫 treatmetendermaureen Follow

Remember you still should use the sheet whenever possible. Stay safe ♡

1087 notes

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

i think there's something wrong with me, i'm just so sleepy all the time, it's not fair

👭 marvelettesofficial Follow

That's because you spend all your nights listening to radio luxembourg

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

i heard nothing last night so i built an antenna out of poultry net, iron wire and bits of tin. i cut my fingers and our family chickens ran away

☁️ ankin-vaimo Follow

A small price to pay for some music.

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

the antenna fell apart before the german guy stopped talking

34 notes

🗣 ilovejohnlennon-deactivated19660729

me: chilling

my brain: if you were shot and weren't sure whether you'd live or die should you call the cops to make sure your murderer gets caught or call the ambulance to increase your chance of survival

me: what

🗣 elviskneesofficial-deactivated19631119

There should be a number that'd reach both of those

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

That number already exists. It's been used in my city for like a two decades.

🏆 petebest-or-bust Follow

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

Fuck you I'm British.

🪛 patrickwhoghton Follow

Oh my G, this post from -62 sounds so prophetic now that they're trying to make the 911 thing catch on, where's that jagger meme

🖖 spock-in-tardis Follow

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

This is literally not gift of prophecy. I told you back when this post was first made that this number has already existed in UK for years. It was obviously going to spread elsewhere, even US was bound to catch on at some point.

🏆 petebest-or-bust Follow

you are still here?? keeping an eye on this post??

💋 marrymetwiggy Follow

you're so grumpy @elvisherselvis maybe you should phone the emergency number and get a wahhh-mbulance

98,9 t. notes

📼 bisexualbarbaradane Follow

my date: Oh I listen to folk as well!

me: That's so cool! Who are your favourites?

my date: I'm sooo into Bob Dylan.

me:

my date: Is everything okay?

me, stuffing jelly babies into my purse: I have to go, like, right now, immediately, sorry

#it's okay if you liked dylan before he became the judas he is #but you can't call yourself a folk fan if you still support him #ugghh i hate him #electric guitar using lil bitch #sigh #jelly baby meme #bob dylan critical // #anti bob dylan // #bob dylan hate //

2 notes

🛸 premisendgame Follow

Cock and balls, I'm watching this previously banned american film where an american man is trying to fuck a soviet spy (played by famously very russian Greta Garbo) by offering her champagne and he is like "have you never had champagne?" and Greta is like "never 🥺 only goat's milk and a ration of vodka in the army" and the tv screen freezed and was like "ERROR!! CHAMPAGNE HAS BEEN SERVED IN SOVIET UNION SINCE 1936" I'm 😂😂😂

🪐 stalincredible Follow

You Americans will say anything to make Soviet stuff look silly

🛸 premisendgame Follow

Where do you think I am watching soviet tv from?? Or did I miss the memo where americans have the monopoly on joking about their own damn country??

322 notes

🥁 ringoforpresident Follow

"In future there will be telephones you can take with you anywhere" I can't even fucking listen to Radio Luxembourg without building a goddamn satellite, sending it to space, reciting spells and prayers, and sticking the radio out of the window at 2am EET. And even then it needs to be snowing for it to work because the radio wave fairies like snow or some shit

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

preach

540 notes

[astarionmademewriteit]

Make it Hurt

Enver Gortash x f!Durge (pre-tadpole)

Rating: Explicit

MDNI. 18+ only. Minors and blank bios will be blocked.

Wordcount: 1.7k

Tags: Blood play; Knife kink; Mentions of violence and gore; PIV rough sex; Choking; Spitting (in mouth); Act 3 Spoilers; Gortash being a lil' bit submissive but switch-coded.

Summary: Durge and Enver have another council meeting, but it is quickly revealed that Enver was using it as an excuse to see his favorite assassin. The sexual tension had been building up between them for while and Durge finally acts on it, finding quick but mutual gratification in their shared love for pain and blood.

︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵

I grow weary of this cat and mouse game Gortash and I find ourselves playing at. It was no secret that centuries of bad blood bore between Bhaal and Bane. Their respective chosen settling their differences in order to overtake Baldur's Gate. However, the list of differences between Gortash and I happened to be shorter than previously suggested.

He was brilliant, to be sure. His thirst for blood and pain rivaled my own. But I was a seasoned killer, trained in the art of murder and violence. I did not veil the carnal pleasure that ran through my veins at the sight of spilled blood, nor the ferocity of lust that churned deep within me when I was called to dole out executions on his behalf.

Most others saw my duplicitous nature and turned away in quiet disgust, but Enver openly admired me for it. And now we sit at yet another council meeting, carving out our well-laid plans for the city. 

Enver’s hand is splayed out over a letter from General Thorm detailing his work in the Shadowlands and the army he continues to amass. The contents bore me into bouts of restlessness.

I shove away from the table, and in one fluid motion draw my dagger and bury it into the table, right between his fingers.

His unflinching dark gaze meets mine and a smirk plays on his lips.

“Enough with this drivel, Gortash,” I hiss, “This is the second council meeting in one week. If I cared what Ketheric had to say, I'd visit that dreaded place myself. Why am I here?”

Enver chuckles darkly, pulling the dagger from the table and testing its sharpness. He presses his fingertip into the sharpened point, until blood rushes from his finger. Red rivulets flow freely from his wound, splattering on Thorm's forgotten letter.

“Does world domination carve into too much of your precious time?” His rhetorical question was full of condescension, “Perhaps, I just needed to find another excuse to conspire with my favorite assassin.” He cocks an amused eyebrow in my direction and a smug grin pulls at the corners of his mouth. 

I roll my eyes and yank the dagger from his grasp, hoping it catches against his skin once more so I can watch him bleed so prettily for me.

“There are better excuses than reading letters from that heretic,” I growl with disdain as I gesture towards the letters. Ketheric had his uses, but he never appreciated the finality of death–something I took personally, as his sacrilegious mindset directly conflicted with the tenants of Bhaal.

“Would you rather I prepare some prisoners for torture? Maiming? I understand you are fond of spilling blood,” his gaze never leaving mine, “It's one of the many things I admire about you.”

I circle around to his chair and sit on the edge of the council table beside Enver. I prop my leg over my knee, drawing his attention. He leans back in his chair and watches me closely, his eyes lingering on my form.

“Maiming?” I spit with disgust, “There is art in murder, but maiming is below me,” I grab his wrist and examine his pricked fingertip, “It's about coaxing,” I squeeze the tip of his finger and watch as blood dribbles down his wrist, “It is about taste,” I pull his finger into my mouth unprovoked, sucking and pulling blood from his wound. The coppery taste sends my body into a vibrating thrum of excitement and ecstasy. 

Enver sucks in his breath and something between a sound of approval and a low guttural growl escapes his chest. I slowly let his finger retreat, never breaking our intense gaze. 

“It's about practicality.” I push myself off the table and stand behind him, grabbing a handful of his hair at the crown of his head, pulling him painfully backwards until his eyes are back on me. The sharp edge of my dagger flush against his throat–one swift movement away from nicking his artery.

Gortash’s eyes watched me carefully, but he was neither scared nor nervous. I couldn’t help but feel pleased at this revelation. A look of longing passes between us, and in one fleeting moment I lean down and crush my lips to his. He receives me eagerly despite the steel of my knife threatening to bite into his flesh.

After a moment I bury the dagger into the table and Enver quickly stands and wraps his arms around my waist. I jump off the ground and wrap my legs around his middle, connecting our lips again. Our kiss is messy, filled with teeth, tongue, and lips–molding together with bruising force. His prickly stubble rubs deliciously against my face.

Enver spins and sits me on the edge of the table, hovering over me as his gilded fingers lace through my hair. He sighs deeply into my mouth as our tongues explore one another. I start thumbing the laces of his robes, pulling them open and running my nails through his thick chest hair–not holding back the way my sharp nails bite into his skin.

His golden filigree gloves claw at my scalp and down the back of my neck as he grows more desperate. I bite hard into his bottom lip until I draw blood, smiling against his abrasive kisses. He groans with pleasure as I suck the blood that surfaces from his wound.

I pull back momentarily, panting heavy as I whisper how good he tastes while pulling the last of his laces free. In a flurry of hurried movements, we undress before our lips crush back together, as if our very survival depended on it.

I lay flat on my back in the middle of the council table as he crawls over my body with a predatory gaze. Enver knees my legs open while he trails kisses down my neck. His cock rubbing torturously between my slick folds, teasing my clit and driving me into a lust-filled craze.

Impatience thrums through my body and I quickly grab Enver’s throat with enough force to cut off his airflow. I pull him up to meet my eyes, his dark gaze boring into me with such frantic intensity.

“Fuck me,” I growl, “Before I change my mind and slit your throat. And make it hurt.”

He chuckles darkly. Clearly amused by my threats, “As you wish, my assassin.”

Without a moment lost, he painfully forces himself inside me, threatening to split me in half. I cry out in pleasure, relishing in the way he fills me completely–his hips snapping into me with newfound ferocity. His golden filigree claws dig into the very wood of the council table, leaving deep splintering grooves.

My nails dig into his back, tracing painful welts into his flesh. The pain only motivates him to rut into me harder, pulling out far enough so that the swollen head of his cock forces me open wider, before snapping back into me with unrelenting force.

I wrap my legs around his waist, lifting my hips up off the table so that he is hitting my pleasure points with devastating precision. His name falls from my lips like a haunted hymn, echoing off the vaulted ceilings of the council room.

Enver’s lips meet mine with such brutality that my skull presses painfully into the table underneath. His back is now spattered in bloody scratch marks, dripping down his back artfully.

I groan in pleasure, my ecstasy building into a dizzying crescendo. Enver’s teeth suddenly dig into the flesh of my lips, and the familiar coppery flavor of my blood spills from the wound. He sucks at my blood, groaning with carnal delight while he continues to thrust relentlessly into my dripping cunt.

He pulls back, reveling in the taste of my blood–savoring it on his tongue. “Open up, dear assassin,” he growls. I comply instantly, opening my mouth wide and letting my tongue fall from my lips seductively.

He hovers over my mouth and allows a mixture of my blood and his saliva to fall back into my waiting mouth. I whimper–elated with our own debauchery. His pace becomes more aggressive–abusive, even, as I chase my release. 

My pleasure peaks and I’m falling victim to the white hot flash of ecstasy that rocks through my body, seizing my muscles until I’m coming undone–completely unraveling under his body. My cries ring through the room, Enver’s name the only prayer I care to recite.

Gortash breathes heavily in my ear, chasing his own release. His thrusts become uneven and sloppy. His eyes are glazed over and his pupils are completely blown out as he watches me while I continue to fall apart as he ruins my cunt with his punishing pace.

As my orgasm starts to subside I pull the dagger from the wooden table and press the sharp edge to the soft flesh of his throat once again. His eyes roll into the back of his head, enjoying the cold steel against his neck–the possibility of death lingering close by only motivating him to fuck me harder–deeper.

“Come inside me, Enver,” I hiss, tightening my legs around his waist as he continues to rut into me, desperately. His golden claws dig into the table, further marring the council table–leaving behind evidence of our violent tryst.

“Yes, my assassin,” he relents, shooting ropes of cum deep in my slick cunt, filling me with his seed. Enver whimpers into my neck, biting viciously at the soft flesh of my throat, leaving bruising evidence of his lusty confessions on my skin. His cock spasming uncontrollably inside of me.

His orgasm begins to subside, our sweat mixes with blood and violent ecstasy as he stills inside of me.

I run my fingers through his dark, bedraggled hair, having discarded my dagger momentarily.

“Regain your strength, Gortash,” I command arrogantly, “We are not done yet.”

He laughs breathily as he tries to regain some semblance of composure, “Whatever my favorite assassin commands, I shall happily deliver.”

I felt momentary relief now that we have finally acted on our building sexual tension. The feeling is quickly replaced with a new kind of hunger–one that rivals the murderous fantasies that occupy my mind. We complement one another, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a beautifully violent masterpiece. 

I knew at that moment that something incredible would have to pull us away from one another. The impossibility of it amused me greatly.

[i-am-a-living-god]

Would you...Share the plot of a story/fic/comic you don't think you'll get to but would like the world to know about?

Ok I didn't answer this at first because I didn't think I had an answer. But now I remember that I do!

So about a year ago me and two other people came up with this au that we named evil Splinter au, (very creative I know.) E.S AU for short.

So the premise is exactly what it sounds like. It's a 2012 au, but because the three of us have an unexplained burning hatred for 2012 Splinter, so we made him evil.

So the deal is, Splinter hates kids, and he's racist, against mutants. One problem, he has mutant kids. So naturally, he decides to MURDER ALL OF HIS TURTLE SONS. Bear with me, he gets attached to the idea of having only one son. so he decided to find the strongest, and weed out the weak.

So when the turtles were young (about 4 years old) he thought that Donnie was the strongest, cause he's tall. But when they got older, Splinter realized that tall does not make you strong. He realized this cause Donnie started getting into medicine, which is for losers. So he stopped loving him, and found a new favorite: Leo.

So Leo ran into the kraang when he was a lil guy, and got experimented on or something. He waddled back to the lair, (because they're basically invulnerable, cause if they died we wouldn't have a plot.) Splinter recognized this as strength, and appointed him as him new favorite. Basically, Splinter tries to get his favorite to help him kill the others.

Omg he's so pathetic lol, he needs the help of a literal child to kill other children, which he still fails to do somehow???😭

So Leo kind of is rewired by the kraang to follow orders for them, but they failed to keep him and he immediately escaped. (Plot armor, don't question it!) Because of this, his eyes shift between pink and blue, blue means he's mostly in control, and pink means the kraang-washing is in control.

Donnie ditches and makes friends with April and Casey, and they get into a relationship. He tries to find a way to fix Leo, and save his brothers or something. He doesn't like Mikey cause he's "suspicious" and Donnie thinks he's totally secretly working for Splinter.

Mikey is just totally freaked out, and also ditchs, and befriends leatherhead, and other mutants. He gets a bit paranoid and starts putting little bits of different Poison's in his brothers food, to build an immunity. It works I guess.

Raph has no idea that Splinter is trying to kill them and just thinks that Splinter is giving them some hardcore training, where you even need to be alert while you sleep!

Leo knows exactly what's going on, and tries his best to find loopholes in Splinters commands, and always manges to understand usually the opposite of what Splinter tells him. (I want you to know that this concept started when we were talking about how splinter is cryptic af, and Leo always seems to understand the opposite in the show.) Leo will also often take killing blows for his brothers, that's how they are still alive. Since Splinter doesn't want to kill Leo, he will often stop the swing before it lands of halfway through so Leo doesn't die. Leo basically uses his own body as a shield.

Anyway that's it mostly, we all made a bit of art, and one-shots for this au that never got posted cause it's a shared au, it would be awkward.

Umm I'm literally writing this at 1am, yes I'm aware that this all sounds ridiculous, especially how I'm writing it. But I do like this au, cringe for the winnn!!! There is more lore shit that I can't remember. And a lot of the stuff that we wrote about it was good (not mine though, that was shit.)

So yeah, heres our shitty au. Ta-da!

Oh yeah I forgot to tag @writing-biting who was one of the people who helped make the au lol.

[lilmissnatcat24]

Turn Left Ch 41- Mom? Am I Still Young?

The end!!! (for now) ((seriously everyone thank you so much for all of the support and love for this fic!!!!))

Relationship: Femshep/Garrus Vakarian

Archive Warnings in author's note

Additional tags: enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn, slow build, alternate universe- canon divergence, detective noir, sex club, anonymous sex, canon temporary character death, murder mystery, drug use, dom garrus vakarian, whump, smut, heavy angst, alien sex, dual pov, an overly sexual elcor named candy, earthborn, ruthless, fake/pretend relationship, dead dove: do not eat, identity porn, minor character death

Detective AU mixed with identity porn mixed with so much whump my fingers are bleeding

(or, start from the beginning here)

lil text blurb:

The next few weeks were nothing more than a blur to Garrus. There was fanfare, and lots of it. The Council had decided that the six of them were the Heroes of the Citadel, and planned enough social engagements celebrating them to last lifetimes. There were parades that touted them around the parts of the Citadel that weren’t destroyed by the Reaper attack. There were statues put up in their honor. There were a lot of handshakes from a lot of people that Garrus didn’t care to memorize. Interviews, sponsorships, advertisements; you named it, Garrus did it. 

He got inducted into the Spectres some time in there. They told him that morning they would be down in the Presidium for his ceremony, which was already looking just about as it had before the attack (nevermind that Kithoi and Bachjret still didn’t have power and running water in areas). Garrus asked if his family could be flown out for the ceremony. The Council said that the funds weren’t there to shuttle a family of three from Palaven to the Citadel. And so Garrus took the oath of the Spectres in front of thousands of people, televised across the galaxy, completely alone. He didn’t feel a damn thing. 

Garrus wasn’t the only one being worked like a vorcha in the mines. All of them were on a rigorous media tour around the Citadel. Wrex had been cleared of all charges by C-Sec, free to roam the Citadel as he pleased. He spent his time becoming more of an advocate for krogan rights than anything else, giving interviews that expressed the importance of letting his species walk freely around the Citadel and other Citadel-controlled planets, and for the salarians to release a cure for the genophage. He didn’t get too much screen time after that. Kaidan had unwillingly become the face of the Terra Forma Party. They used his pictures on just about every promotional picture and merchandising they could put their hands on, exploiting his L2 implants and side effects for their personal gain. It was only when he, very publicly and very uncharacteristically, told the Terra Forma Party that if they wanted his vote, they had to “suck his L2 ballsack first,” did they relent a bit. Liara had given a now infamous interview from that horrible crone al-Jilani where she had broken down into tears when asked if she felt ashamed to have her mother’s blood flow in her veins, streaked with blood from her third eye surgery that partially fixed her blindness but still left her slightly disfigured. The Council tried first to scrub the vid from the extranet, but seeing the public’s pitying reaction, decided to lean into it, the thumbnail of her crying on the side of just about every page in the Citadel’s extranet. Shepard essentially became the face of The Best and Brightest of Humanity. Udina made sure of that. Shepard coffee mugs, Shepard pins, Shepard t-shirts, Shepard bobbleheads, Shepard dildos. A few weeks in, and her scar on her cheek had begun to heal. Udina insisted on opening it up again, as it added to her mystic. A turian doctor came in one day to slice it open with a scalpel-- humanely, he called it. She paled, and excused herself to the bathroom for a few minutes. She came back dancing on the balls of her feet, a tiny speck of blood crusted to her nostrils. 

[catchyhuh]

What would be the gang's favourite places to spend vacation in?

could you imagine having just landed at (DESTINATION OF CHOICE), exhausted and jetlagged as all hell, the hotel is having trouble with your booking, and then you see one of these chucklefucks go enter the premises? i'd swim back home.

lupin:

being lupin, he’ll love anything outlandish or special enough to warrant being called a “vacation.” but most vacation activities are just… his normal life? so he (much to the chagrin of the others he always forces to go with him) needs something more… solidly unique.

lupin the third is banned from every major theme park in the world. however, only twelve of his disguises are.

he’s not stressing about getting the most out of his day-- he snuck the guys in through the back anyway, and he’ll come back in a few years if he feels like it. this makes him one of the few people to actually get to experience these places in a casual, actually fully enjoyable way. but also he and Fujiko (she was sick of standing) internally busted up the “skip the line” pass system so they’re fucking set to go wherever they please

probably broke into one during the night once too before he realized how eerie it is to experience this without unhappy parents at every turn

i could go on about this. it’d be funny. i could do it for all of them. but that’s NOT THE POINT LET’S GO JIGEN

jigen:

“i don’t care” (he cares immensely)

jigen is a proud contrarian, and for someone who says he hates noise and racket and all that shit, he LOVES big cities. which… given their line of work, almost always perfectly works out for him!

the specific kind of dense and natural history they have is interesting to him. not in an actual historical way, of course, but in the sense of walking out of a pizza hut and seeing a building constructed 300 years ago. in perfect condition. next to the pizza hut

cliff(hanger) notes: new yawk baby (jokes aside google lupin iii cliffhanger)

fujiko:

LUXURY RESORT BABY

THE SPA THE POOL THE IN-HOUSE RESTAURANT. OOH BABY SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES FOR ANYTHING. she will. she hates being tied down. BUT THE POINT IS SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO!

it’s harder to steal a vacation than it is to steal a big ass sapphire or some shit. hence fujiko’s talent in swindling bitches and just walking around like she owns the place. nobody questions it when a woman in 6 inch heels with the sharpest sunglasses this side of homestuck shows up

fujiko LOVES people doing shit for her. real for that, honestly, and the way they wait on you hand and foot would just delight her to no end. someone comes by the pool with a lil martini and she's like hm, thank you but internally she’s like Heh… As It Should Be

goemon:

i don’t have to tell you our guy is not one for the sins of this world. he says. allegedly. call it a vacation and he’s like hmph. waste of time. call it a retreat and you get a lil eyebrow raise

so what does he want? CABIN IN THE WOODS BABY

NOT THE MURDER KIND. JUST THE NICE, CHILL KIND. but don’t go too far here: it’s a retreat, not a hideout. he will be expecting one of those fancy cabins, the kind built on stilts with two floors (and balconies, maybe even a wrap-around porch on the ground floor. there will be a hot tub. he will claim the hot tub is excessive. he will be using the hot tub

after all, it’s a RETREAT, so it’s okay to splurge :) (he is just as bad about this shit as his rotten friends)

zenigata:

zenigata? vacation? oh, you jokester,

if you could somehow force him to pick a place and actually enjoy it, he… would have an incredibly difficult time settling on one thing. so many things would delight him but also so many things would be grating as hell. which is just how life works so. tough luck, pops.

i don’t usually double up, but i also feel like a good city vacation would be nice. there’s NO way to get understimulated and bored in an environment like that, he gets to find all these tiny undiscovered nooks and crannies, those horrible kitschy tourist knick knacks (he’s not above it) and just being in the middle of It. it does him good. plus you can lie and say “getting to know this city ahead of time will give you a leg up if lupin steals some shit here” and then he’ll be onboard entirely

also a chance to subtly flex his freakish preparedness. you run into some specific ass problems in any vacation environment, but with the hectic energy of big cities, there’s even MORE. and you better believe this motherfucker has it ALL on him. he packed sunscreen AND hand warmers, either way the weather goes, he’s got bandaids, safety pins, spare change, spare bills, he brought one of those like anti spill thermos things, which is REALLY handy-- did he pack his toothbrush? c’mon, don’t underestimate him. of course he did. toothpaste? …uh. damn...

[be-side-my-self]

Rewatch of Only Murders In The Building to prepare for season 4 (III)

<Part I> // <Part II>

Block #OMITBRewatch if you don’t want to read notes that will have spoilers up to seasons 3. Just to make it clear, while quoting, I use M, O, C for the main characters.

Also I'm putting this under a read more because it gets long.

S1 E9

Jen is freaky...

"Mable is gonna be looking at me with those damn Cocker Spaniel eyes. "

Oh! I like Pataki. She is so cool!

C: "Everybody loves Sazz."

Love how everyone thinks, that Sazz is Charles xD

Also Oliver just moving in with Charles.

It is kind of sad, that Jan is pushed to the sideline because of Sazz.

But Sazz is right, they ignored the motive... and yeah I remember.

Bunnie "First... Tim Kono's death has now been ruled a homocide and, apparently, one of you jerk-offs did it."

Bunny: "By a show of hands, who here thinks our building would be better off without these three fuckwads?"

Bunny: "The rest of you, in case you are a murderer, STOP MURDERING!"

So, how fucked up is it that you can lose your own apartment because enough of your neighbours don't like you? A place you own and still have to pay for?

It's sad... the whole breaking up of the trio...

Oscar: "See you, Ollie."

Sazz is great! But she is only half-right about Jen being the girl for Charles.

... oh that is so bitter, that Jen again gots sidelined.

Meanwhile Mable and Oliver solve the case.

S1 E10

Just 23 seconds...

Jan is freaky... but Kono was apparently a real beast too.

C: "What's going on?" M: "So, funny story..." O: "YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH A MURDERER!"

... wow Oliver is as tactful as a sledgehammer XD

Also ... the scandal! The age difference! In both directions! Don't let the anti's hear!

Yep... it's her handwriting all right. The same handwriting as the suicide notes, and the threats on the doors... my guys...

It is always a good idea to compare the notes.

I remember being annoyed about that the first time watching too.

It's cute that Charles always thinks the best of people.

C: "Can we not talk about Tim Kono right now?" Jan: "Of course. What do you wanna talk about?" C: "That I think I'm falling in love with you." Jen: "Oh. Well, that is interesting." *Long Pause that is totally not ominous and watching Jen's expression is not alarming at all.* Jan: "Because I think I'm falling in love with you, too."

Kinda awkward...

... Charles is confronting Jen...

Jen is freaky. Really freaky.

M: She's a poisoner... who uses a label maker?

"Jan's Lil T🖤xins"

O: "The saddest thing about this is that if Jan weren't a murderous maniac she'd be perfect for Charles."

lmao Charles is amazing, he figured out that it's a recording, he figured out the writing! He is the saving grace!

Of course she stabbed herself.

Jan is a freak.

Jan: "This is definiatly one of my rougher break ups, charles. I really did fall in love with you. Sadly, I will not be seeing you bas-sooner or later."

Siri is so stupid.

"Okay, playing "Fields of Gold" by Sting."

How no one is going to help Charles... but Sevelin is really cute!

HOW aBOUT YOU PULL THE FIRE ALARM?!

Love how Oliver knows how to stop "the thing" but has no words. And it's still working.

Charles speech is so good... so heartfelt! And in reality no one hears it. (slurred, garbled nonsense)

Good thing they managed to punch down Jan.

Bunny: "Oliver. It seems due to the events of tonight, there's been a reversal in sentiment regarding your tenancies here at the Arconia." O: "Oh, please just say it, Bunny. 'Welcome back you sexy thing!'" Bunny: "I'll get you gone sooner or later. You're all idiots!" M: "Hey, Bunny. Congrats. You're the most hated person in the building now, you cranky old bitch."

And that is called foreshadowing.

Yay, Willy and Oliver made up!

Mabel and Oscar are a cute couple.

Charles, contacting Lucy... and she answers!

*Charles recording the last lines of the podcast* M: "That was amazing." O: "I mean, I just... That-that's the best performance you've ever given. I have nothing left to teach you." C: "Really? So I can finally add 'voiceover acting' to my resume?" O: "Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves."

Some lose ends... indeed... I know we met the next murderer already.

Aw... you two are already besties.

And we're back at episode one.

That is an incredible wrap and an incredible transition that makes you want to watch the second season instantly. Which we will do!

All three get taken into custody, because it looks like Mable killed Bunny.

Cinda Canning is such a bitch. You instantly feel sorry for Poppy.

S2 E1

That other detective is a real cliché. And a dick. Forgot his name, I'll add it alter.

Lmao, Mabel is correct. No murder weapon.

C: "Oh my god!" D: M: "Oh my god!" D: O: "Oh my god!" :D

Oliver lives for the attention.

O: "Like your beats?" M: "Huh?" O: "It's a callback."

M: "I need a life, away from death. "We should all just be a little bit boring again" O: "Can I just say something? I'd rather be dead than boring!"

Charles would watch people play chess in the park, Oliver would go have brunch.

I mean, come on... who called the cops? Who knew that there is a dead person in Mables apartment. That would be the question I'd ask as a detective.

#bloodymabel

user: goaskalice!

Alice is a great character but I really want to know what exactly happened with Oscar.

The mural is great!

O: "Well, hello there Amy Schumer."

Amy: "Would you ever consider selling me the right to the podcast, so I could turn it into an 8 to 10 episode streaming series with exclusive internet content, leading to gamification?"

Is there exclusive internet conten of "Only Murders in the Building"?

Uncle Brazzos

The short hair looks good on Mabel.

Alice is weird.

She never said it's not a cult.

"I'm Cinda Canning, bitch." - "Girl, you crime is showing." - "Tune in weekly as our investigation unfolds weekly."

American knitting is so different to our european? german? knitting.

O: "We need to go full "OliMabel" here." M: "What the fuck?" C: "What?" O: "OliMabel! That's our ship name. All our names put into one." C: "Where is the 'Charles' in 'OliMabel'?" O: "The Charles is silent."

... of course people ship them and it's an awful thought xD Also OliMabel for the OT3 is a BAD ship name. The shippers should be ashamed. Call them Murder-Trio or Podcast-Shipping... though Podcast-Shipping might be any of the main three with Cinda. CharOliMa would still be better... really fictional fans are always so weird. And that says something. XD

Bunny: "Fuck off, Oliver."

Time for a call back to Ace Attorney.

M: "Bunny had a bird?"

Bunny was a freak.

I actually like the friendship between Bunny and Uma... also Howard, kinda.

Uma: "There should be a naked man on this wall! Where are the balls, Howard?"

That old Elevator is really cool.

C: "We find the painting, we find the killer."

And so starts season two.

Charles: Come here right away Charles (Old): Come here right away

There is the painting. And it shows Charles dad... but I don't see any balls.

S2 E2

Archibald (Bunny's grandpa and the arcitect) was a freak!

Charles dad was old when he had Charles.

M: "The painting is called Savage."

Guys, I'm not native speaker but the word "savage" has a meaning and especially in an erotic context it is probably a double innuendo considering that one of the models was named "Savage".

Thanks Howard.

IT TOOK ME UNTIL NOW TO SEE THAT BUNNY IS WALKING HER BIRD, MRS GAMBOLINI, IN THE INTRO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Uma, screw off tops on wine bottles are not a sign of low quality wine. I don't think they even sell new bottles with cork, And wine maker agree on this. it's a bit cheaper and better for the environment.

Nina Lin... last season she was not that pregnant. Time passed.

Uma and Bunny were such good friends.

"I am Leonora Folger. The mother of Bunny."

O: "Please, be cool." C: "Hey, who is cooler than me?" M: "Everyone."

People who hate us: Uma, Teddy Dimas, Theo Dimas, Jen

Charles putting himself as a possible suspect.

Alice: "Um, yeah, we all work back here. Some... Sometimes, I like to cry back here because I'm a fraud. It's a multipurpose space." ... ah... the artist expierence and self depricating jokes. How awkward.

Even during the first run I did not like Alice. She came off as somewhat weird... I don't like the self depricating and sometimes her comments are off-handed also that other thing she does at the end of the season... so yeah. I was willing to cut her some slack but she is awful. Great character though! And of course Cara Delevingne is doing an amazing job!

Alice: "I've been hideously blocked for a year, stuck in the past, no moving forward. Do you ever feel that way?" M: "Yeah, all the time." Alice: "Hm, stupid question. Of course you do."

I like to draw but honest to god, I don't get art.

OF COURSE THE PICTURE IS GONE!

Amy: "Hey Putnum! Never touch my dumpster art."

Amy: "My pesky lawyers tell me I can't make deals with murderers...again."

I don't like Alice humor even though it's not so far off from Mables.

Well, there is the kiss.

Amy is a freak. Lmao

Love how the police did not give a fuck about a small boy.

Call back to Ace Attorney.

[angst-king]

A man by many names pt 7

((CW Mention/description of SA talk/boasting, child abuse, murder and arson)) Izuku’s plan was finally starting, Toga had gone on a ‘collecting spree’ so she could do her part. She decided that if she collected the blood of pro heroes that work close to the parents and as well as a few close civilians then she could use her quirk to start rumors and paranoia. Along with this Izuku had done some research to find out information on when you were born so they could put up flyers. When he found out when your birthday was he rolled his eyes when he looked at the missing child posters your parents had put up. They got the date wrong by a month and 4 days! They made you, how could they forget when you were born!? Ugh only adding more fuel to his fire for revenge.

He had Dabi work on putting their own flyers up in a completely different area. He noticed this was starting to kick up controversy among the heroes. On one of her missions, Toga had come back to see that the parents were being interviewed by some fans about it. Today she knew they would had a big interview with a news station. She waited till it was over, to talk with them disguised as a friend of theirs.

She watched as your mother sobbed fakely into your father’s arms about how much she missed you. How much she just ‘wanted her baby back’ and how she was up every night hoping and praying you would return. Just watching this made Toga upset, she may not have known as much as Izuku did but, she knew enough for her to know this was not genuine. Finally when it was over she could start. She drank one of her vials and activated her quirk then headed in. She pretended to be one of the parents’ friends, helping them get through the paparazzi outside of the building and into the car. The mother thanked her and as soon as the car door was shut with them all inside the waterworks immediately stopped. Of course, it was all an act they didn’t actually care about you. They only cared for the attention and publicity.

“Ugh that was a lot, I need to fix up my makeup.” Your mother said without a quiver in her words as she reached into her bag for her makeup. The father huffed and stretched out as he complained.

“All this for the brat, did they really need to keep asking about them though?” “You know how the news is honey, always getting in people’s business, but damn everything was about them!” Your mother whined as she applied her concealer, your father rolled his eyes and mindlessly went on his phone. Toga had her spare phone on recording underneath her skirt as she spoke.

“What’d they ask you about?” “Just stupid things like what (Y/n) look like, what they liked to do, if they had any friends, what they were like.” The woman replied not looking at Toga.

“That spoiled brat never had friends, not like anyone liked them anyways, always crying over everything. The only useful thing they were good at was being our lil doll, always looked so good on my friends’ cock.” Toga had to take a deep breath when the words came from your father’s mouth, her blood ran cold when she put that together. She had gone through something similar growing up and it made her sick to realize it was happening to you. It was taking everything in her not to kill them both, even more so when your father and mother went on and on and on about just how ‘terrible’ you were and how they would be happy if your disappearing didn’t drag up so much drama.

“The school just had to make this a big deal, if they didn’t go running their mouths I could be doing my job or be having better conversations with the girls than having to care.” Toga had to force herself to engage without blowing her cover. Putting aside her feelings to get this done. She couldn’t wait for this car ride to be over!

“Alright, I sent you the audio.” Toga said as she walked into his office, the sound of his fist slamming against the desk made her jump as he let out a growl. Then she heard a small bit of the audio recording and knew he was listening to it.

“Fucking disgraceful excuse for parents, those sick fucks don’t deserve the freedom they have!” He hissed out in disgust, Toga nodded while leaning against the threshold of the door.

“I know, I had to hold myself back from slitting their throats listening to it in real-time.” “I’ll send this out slowly to other people once things really start to kick up.” “Okay, oh! I heard that (Y/n)’s old school was making a fuss about it, do you think hanging around there and seeing what I can spread around there will be good?” “Hm yeah, I do, it might start a few rumors here and there which you know will spread like fire.”

“That should work, oh is twice still helping out with whatever you and Dabi have planned?” Izuku asked while leaning back in his chair, Toga nodded with a large grin.

“Yup, I hate waiting because I wanna see the look on their faces. But if we want it to go well then we’ll have to wait.” Izuku chuckled and stretched out in his chair.

“I guess I better amp up my presence before I make my debut, shouldn’t I?”

It had been a few days and Izuku was taking one of his steps into his plan. Killing off some of your father and mother’s friends, especially the ones who hurt you. It took more spying on Toga’s end to get their addresses and schedules for him thankfully it wasn’t too hard for her. The first one on his hit list was one of the rapists, thankfully that fucker was single, so Izuku didn’t have to worry much about sneaking into his place. He found him at a local bar, where he thought he saw someone he recognized but quickly brushed it off. Izuku made quick work of drugging him discretely, and then ‘helping him’ get home.

When he got to the man’s home, he was starting to become lucid.

“Huh? What happened?” He asked in a daze as he rubbed his head and plopped down on the couch.

“It looks like you were drugged and you didn’t have anyone with you so I decided to take you home,” Izuku said in the darkness of the living room sliding his hands into his pockets.

“Oh well thank you sir-” Before could finish his sentence Izuku grabbed him by the hair and slammed his head into the wall. The man yelled in pain, and a sea of curse words flooded from his mouth.

“The fuck that was you lil shit, out that fucking hurt get off of me you lil prick!” He demanded, his head was rammed into the wall again creating a dent in it as well as blood beginning to run from the back of his head. Izuku then yanked him forward and whispered.

“I know what you fucking did to her.” At first, the man acted like he didn’t know what Izuku was talking about.

“The fuck are you talking about you maniac? I ain’t do shit!” “Oh? So you weren’t the one who went along with raping a little child, the one is the child of your pro-hero friends?” Izuku’s grip tightened maliciously, his eyes hardened flashing red. The lower part of his face was covered by his usual mask hiding that snare trap of a mouth. The man tried to push him off, but his body was struggling to react the way he wanted. He couldn’t even activate his quirk, frustratedly grumbling and flailing in an attempt to hit the villain. Izuku laughed in his face, he drove his foot into the man’s groin making his yelp and groan in pain.

“Oh what’s the matter, can’t activate your stupid little quirk? Pathetic lil bitch can’t even fight without it.” Izuku taunted and ground his heel harshly into him.

“How’s it feel? To know no one will save you, no one will help you, and you can’t even help yourself? How does it feel to be at someone’s mercy?” The pro hero could hardly get out anything besides.

“I’m sorry, please have mercy!” Blubbering and wailing, Izuku rolled his eyes and pulled down his mask towing over him with a wide toothy smirk.

“Time to send a message to the rest of your disgusting lot of friends so they know what’s coming.” In an instant a horrible crushing pain then nothingness, numbness. Izuku had chomped down deep into his neck and shoulder, cutting major nerves and arteries. Blood was gushing around his mouth and down the man’s body, spurting and rushing like an overflowing sink. He then wrote on his body with Sharpie “I know what you did”

Spacing it out, he took two of them out in the same week and one more the next, the new heroes were quick to raise the alarms. It wasn’t uncommon for pro-heroes to be killed in their homes by villains but three of them only days apart, they could tell there was something to this.

“News of three pro heroes being murdered just a few days apart in their own homes, both have similar injuries seeming to have died of horrific blood loss. Injuries in the neck and shoulder are the main cause, as well as blunt force head trauma. The words ‘I know what you did’ are written in Sharpie on their chest. The motives of this attack are not clear but this seems to be an act of vengeance. We are not sure whether they are purely targeting pro heroes as a whole, a specific group, or if civilians are included but the death tolls of civilians has been rising.”

“What the hell is going on?! We’ve lost 3 members of our group ever since the interview!” Asked one of the heroes, Switch -your mother- shrugged as they rode home listening to the news alert through the radio of the car.

“I don’t know, but whoever it is thinks they can play god. ‘I know what you did’ who the fuck is that for?” She huffed rolling her eyes and crossing one leg over the other in annoyance.

“Maybe some of them didn’t save a person and the villain is trying to avenge them?” “Who fucking knows, and who fucking cares. Just gonna have to start opening positions I guess” Grumbled Charge -your father- as he drove them to the house. Once they arrived they slipped off their shoes nonchalantly.

“Gonna grab a drink, you ladies want anything?-” Charge paused and saw the woman staring down the dark hallway beside the stairs.

“What are you two looking at?” he shifted to get a better look and reached for the light switch. Upon clicking it, the lights remained.

“Huh, the lights get shut off or something-” “Th-there’s something there!” Exclaimed the friend slowly backing away towards the door and holding onto Switch’s arm nervously. Charge grumbled and looked back with squinted eyes into the dark. Well, she wasn’t wrong, a tall slim figure was standing there.

“Hey! The fuck are you doing in my house!” He yelled out, but he got no response, so he yelled again, Switch tried using her quirk swapping the carpet with the being in the dark. Much to their horror, they were faced by the villain Dabi just centimeters away. They stumbled back as with the sudden snap of his fingers a rush of blue fire was sent their way. Screams of terror and pain echoed as their flesh and home were engulfed in flames in a matter of seconds!

[yallemagne]

So, on a plane yesterday, I skimmed through the rest of P.N. Elrod's book, Quincey Morris, Vampire.

It's not very good. It's poor fanfiction. I do not support attacking fanfic writers or the stereotype of fanfiction being the epitome of bad writing (most of my writing is fanfiction and I'm rather proud of some of it [some bc a good deal of my older work is amateur]), but it's a rather amateur plot where Elrod spends the entire book rewriting the book she's supposed to be building off of, not desecrating.

Now, Elrod has quite a few vampire books, so I think this story is just a self-indulgent take on a neat lil idea she had, but she felt the need to discard all of Bram's vampire lore and all of Bram's plot and squish her own in. I respect Elrod as a fellow fanfic writer, but I don't respect her character assassinations of Jonathan and Renfield and the attempts to justify the assault of Lucy and Mina. Though I guess that Dracula was an unreliable source? Hopefully, the intention was not for the reader to take Dracula's claims seriously.

Since I skimmed, I cannot say that I am the best source. I did read the beginning part up until Dracula starts claiming Jonathan is an insane adulterer. Then I just couldn't take any of it seriously. I mean, I couldn't really take it seriously when Dracula and Quincey were just... having a calm conversation but whatever.

Spoilers of course.

So, in the story, Quincey's body is dragged from the sleeping team's side by wolves and they cannot find him once they wake. Why did the wolves drag him? Because Dracula is apparently alive and has figured out that Quincey is a vampire. Dracula blackmails Quincey into coming with him back to his castle. If he had refused, Dracula would have murdered Quincey's whole team.

And yet after that, the book tries to claim that Dracula was secretly in the right the entire time.

Dracula has green eyes. It has no plot relevance, I don't believe Quincey remarks on the change from red to green, it's just a dumb detail that keeps being shoved down our throats.

Through Dracula's guided questions, Quincey realizes that a woman he had sex with years ago that drank his blood and forced him to drink hers was a vampire (apparently she's also a character from one of Elrod's other books). Why didn't he change into a vampire sooner? Dracula claims there are two different types of vampires, and he's the cooler one while Quincey is the lamesauce one. So Quincey only has to drink animal blood. Quincey worries that his tainted blood may have killed Lucy but Dracula's like "... nah".

Quincey confronts him on everything, but Dracula has a bullshit answer for anything. I feel the only bearable way of reading this is the interpretation that Dracula is gaslighting Quincey. Quincey says "you killed Lucy, you fed on her repeatedly and she died of blood loss". Dracula says "no that was your fault. she would have gotten better if you just left her drained of blood". Dracula claims that Mina's still gonna become a vampire, but bc she wished hard enough I guess she got to not be hated by God anymore. And he claims he broke off his connection with her amicably, and they're totally cool now.

He claims that he was in the right to kill Renfield because Renfield was a madman and would have hurt the team... when he only attacked Dracula in defence of Mina. This is so damn ableist. Dracula, you can't claim self-defence when you are a fucking vampire with the power to hypnotize people. That was a gratuitous use of force against a mentally ill man that was of no great threat to you.

Worst of all, when told of Jonathan's account of the Weird Sisters assaulting him, he's like "oh, I didn't interfere. I watched. they had their way with him several times. and he liked it. I mean, he had an ensuing mental breakdown, but he was totally down with being raped in his sleep every night." He claims that Jonathan was just oversensitive to the paranormal and that everything he wrote in his journal was delusions. He gaslights Jonathan. Apparently, there were servants in the castle. Dracula, you fucking twit, that would be the strangest thing to fucking lie about, and you know it. When questioned why he locked Jonathan in his castle and left him for dead instead of taking him to Whitby with him, Dracula waves his hand like "eh. couldn't. don't ask me to elaborate. I'm still an amazing host."

Quincey later denies Dracula's claims about Lucy's death being all their fault, but he never contradicts the claims about Mina and Jonathan. In fact, he constantly repeats the part about Jonathan being oversensitive. So? He agrees with Dracula that Jonathan and Mina being assaulted was okay? He agrees with the ableist notion that Renfield needed to be "put down". Maybe I just skimmed over a part.

Dracula forces Quincey to drink animal blood and stuff. Shows him the ropes. Quincey goes out and actually finds Arthur and Jack still grieving him. He does not reveal himself. I was glad that Arthur and Jack don't have their characters assassinated. They end up shooting a wolf and Dracula gets mad and Quincey is like "you literally had my body dragged away by wolves, they were acting in retribution, you don't get to kill them for it".

Blah blah I dunno, Quincey moves back to London. He tries out his cool vampire powers to harass some lower-class people. He bites a sex worker (super uncomfortable with this part, he says himself that he felt betrayed by the fact his vampiric paramour forced vampirism onto him without his consent while he was in the throws of passion, and he does it to someone else?) He meets Elrod's OC.

Bertrice Holmwood is a Mary Sue. Okay? She's a manic pixie dream girl, she's a strong independent woman that needs no man (except that she sorta blackmails Quincey into sleeping with her), and she doesn't feel like a real human being.

She's yet another hastily shoved-in plot device. She's Arthur's older sister by exactly one year and her whole deal is that she's the black sheep of the family because she's a girlboss. Ugh. She's less of a character and more of Elrod's vague idea of a cool woman.

"Black sheep", Arthur loves her! They're on good terms and they're very protective of one another. She's not ostracized at all. But here's the thing, if she always existed and she and Arthur had such a close relationship, why was she never mentioned in the original book? Now, I'm not gonna get mad that Bramothy didn't make Elrod's OC canon. I'm gonna get frustrated that Elrod so poorly shoved her in. If Arthur is not an only child, why did all the managing of his father's funeral fall to him? Why was she never present or mentioned in scenes pertaining to Arthur's grief? Because she's not... real. And it doesn't fit the original story for her to be real.

I would have vouched for her role in the story if she had been Jack's secret sister instead. Jack having a sibling that he doesn't really interact with during the course of Dracula is realistic because he has a job and he's not a noble. You could even make her Quincey's sister visiting from Texas upon receiving news of Quincey's death. But. Well. They're not Alabamian so the sex would be out of left field then /j.

She is told the events of the book and is like "I'm gonna kill VH for hurting my baby bro" and like. Fair. Honestly, I appreciate that the book calls out VH's manipulation methods instead of trying to twist it like VH was the secret evil all along and Dracula was the good guy. It seemed like that was how it was gonna play out in the beginning, but Quincey empathizes with VH while still criticizing his methods. It's a human take on VH. Sucks what Elrod did to Renfield, Mina, and Jonathan, though.

Bertrice hangs out with Quincey a lot, but my eyes glazed over for those parts bc of all the written-out lower-class accents. Despite her being rich, she hangs out in exclusively the slums of London apparently. It makes her less likeable honestly. Stop gentrifying the neighbourhood, Bertrice. But one scene I did read was when she took him to a fortune teller that used tarot cards to explain his whole situation. One of them was "you've been lied to" and from Quincey's later insistence that Lucy's death was none of their faults, I think he rightfully took it to mean that Dracula was lying? But he doesn't apply that logic to his interpretation of Mina and Jonathan's story, nor Renfield's death...

Quincey reaches out to Arthur and Arthur is a bit spooked.

Arthur: You're dead! You're a vampire! Begone! Quincey: I'm actually a good vampire. 'Just drink animal blood. Arthur: You're lying! Quincey: I'm not. Arthur: Oh, okay. It's good to have you back.

Quincey tries to talk to Van Helsing, but Van Helsing refuses to believe him. Jack on the other hand...

Jack, on the other side of a door: Quincey, is that you? Quincey: Yeah. Jack: If it is you, open this door. Quincey: Okay, but don't freak out. VH: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM HE'S A MONSTER. Quincey: *opens door* Hey. Jack: Ah, hey bud, good to see you again.

It's funny how easily Jack accepts that Quincey is alive and totally chill, especially with VH screaming at him that it's all lies. You would think that he'd at least be equally as unsure as Arthur. VH storms out I think, and Quincey explains to Jack everything-- that VH is probably just defensive bc if Quincey is a vampire and totally chill, that opens the door to the possibility VH was wrong about Lucy. But he restates numerous times that Lucy was dead, she died of blood loss, the Bloofer Lady was not Lucy because that vampire fed off of children, and there was no part of Lucy left to reason with.

VH apparently kidnapped Arthur and Bertrice. Why? I dunno, because he was paranoid about Quincey. But he cages them and that's just super weird. Quincey tries to remedy this by having Jack reason with VH. When that doesn't work, Quincey tries to reason with him with a *bit* of hypnotism. It doesn't work. VH shoots him several times in the chest and, assuming Quincey is dead, crosses himself and leaves.

Quincey isn't dead, he's fine.

Uh? The End? The Harkers never show up, so they're unable to defend themselves against Dracula's claims against them. It really frustrated me. And of course, Renfield couldn't defend himself, and Quincey only barely argues on his behalf before blindly believing Dracula. VH serving as an antagonist felt okay seeing as he's not vilified, he's just painted as a grieving, irrational old man. That's realistic. Except for his kidnapping of Arthur and Bertrice... which was just... so melodramatic.

Also just... so I mentioned that Bertrice and Quincey have sex and it was kind of coerced. I don't recall when this happened, it's really that pointless to the plot. So Bertrice springs it on Quincey that she knows he's a vampire, and in the high stress of that confrontation, she asks him to have sex with her and bite her. He does. Eh.

All in all, the book kind of reads like a very self-indulgent work of fanfiction. Whatever Elrod wished to put into the story, she put in with disregard to the actual events of the book she was basing her work off of. It honestly wasn't the worst Dracula fanfiction I'd ever read, though the victim-blaming was atrocious. I appreciate that Bertrice was a bit more than just a fuck-buddy for Quincey. Her protectiveness over Arthur is a bit of a character trait. I also like that the Suitors are still bros. The conversations between Jack and Arthur that Quincey listened in on felt like I was reading a better story for a bit, their friendship felt real.

[webslingingslasher]

omg j i need to rant a lil, its not too serious bc i dont like spreading negativity but oh my GOD i need to rant

my mum is such a toxic boy mum. shes literally in love with him. its so fucking weird. he can (and does) say the most inhumane things ever to me (he literally called me a demon last night and said the world would be better without me) and she didn't say a WORD. she was completely silent. like a mute.

but i just ate his mini protein bar and she is screaming at me like i murdered someone? she's so personally offended that i took something from her poor precious little baby :( (hes literally 24 years old, grown WITH a job but still lives at home bc he doesnt wanna do his own laundry or make his bed💀

its so weird j he can literally do the worst thing ever to me and she doesnt give a fuck, i do the slightest inconvenience and she's ready to stone me to death?

she also hates his girlfriend and says she should be the only woman in his life. its so fucking weird. all of these people are weird😭 i want out. she's literally in love with him, its so fucking weird i hate it so much bleughhhhhh

pt. 2 its a typical "mothers love their sons and raise their daughters" type thing😭

i'm sorry anon :( the issue with your mom doing this is that it also builds resentment towards your brother. it's not cute and it's not fun. i had a friend with a mom like this and we all thought it was super weird. her mom viewed her as competition. fucking weirdo.

next time ur brother does some shit just be like "how's that emotional incest going?"

"you're a demon."

"ok and you have an emotionally incestious relationship with our mom. i pick demon time."

or when your mom starts some bullshit.

"eww... mom, do you smell that? ah, gross! it smells like incest!"

i'm fr a menace and i'd just be calling incest at every turn. "sorry, i can't be more like brother, mom. i wish i could incest with you too :("

[tsugua-rebmetpes]

101 Cute dates & bucket list

Little fire pit on the beach (middle of the night, private)

Toasting marshmallows & making cute smores

Observing the night sky through a telescope together / watch the stars on a clear sky in the middle of no where

A midnight dip in water (lake, ocean, etc. As long as it's safe)

Skinny dip under a full moon & to kiss passionately on a platform on the lake

To go on a small camping trip just the two of us

To visit the candy shop and pick each other's candy bags for only us to share them between us anyway

Getting crepes with you and eating them side by side

Taking you lingerie shopping so you can see the outfit as I buy it and the level of excite I know you have knowing you'll get to tear it off later

Sharing a bath with you (where we both fit comfortably or just tucked in a little where we can laugh about it)

Baking cookies so we can have them with our coffee in the morning

Taking you to a coffee roaster hut so you can experience amazing coffee

Going to a little tea house & plantation so we can support local business and enjoy the joys of freshly brewed tea

Picking what the other person must eat off the menu at a new venue / a place we've never been to before

Throwing a dart on a map and going to where ever it lands for a small holiday / trip (could be a city map, regional, state, national or global)

Decorating and making a floating lantern to release into the night sky (a la tangle)

Icing biscuits to look like things we like (e.g. ourselves, frogs or whatever your heart desires)

Smooshing whipped cream onto your nose and kissing/licking it off ♡

Making something together in a pottery class for ourselves n one another

Volunteering at a farm to help around (muster, harvest, etc.)

Go fruit picking together recreationally

Go to as many different distilleries and breweries as we can

Try to make bread together

Have our own Minecraft world together

Complete stardew valley & cattails ♡

Take a cooking/pastry lesson

Take Polaroid photos of our time together (on a trip or small adventure)

Go for a little hike together

Go swim in a little unknown ish water hole and push boundaries of comfort

Go to a cinema late at night (last screening of the evening, maybe wear matching pajamas) and buy popcorn / sneak snacks in. Cuddle in the cinema and watch a cute film together (be one of the only people in the cinema)

Have s/o read my favourite book to me aloud before bed time

Make jam & preserve food items & dry ingredients to make tea, etc.

Make chocolates for you (home made)

Grow my own flowers for us to admire

Start a small veggie patch & harvest our own produce to have a "self sufficient" dinner night

Volunteer at an animal shelter

Go to a farmer's market together / local fruit market and buy ingredients we will make into a meal together that evening

Become animal foster parents & successfully get our lil foster a fur-ever home

Do a hot food challenge or some sort of food challenge together

Go to a day spa for a "couple's retreat"

Make your favourite food (lasagne) on your birthday 🥰 / a random day

Steal a shopping trolly and race around an abandon area of the car park thinking we are in go karts & take photos

Dress up as the cool ghosts in the "blanket ghost" trend and take cute photos in odd locations

Explore an abandoned building together and theorize about the past / research about it

Have a little picnic in a field / park

Take a dance lesson together (ballroom) and be clumsily cute on trying something "new"

Sleep next to you & wake up beside you 🥺

Make your lunch for work & wake up early to make an awesome meal!

Make a random meal really late in the evening spontaneously to satisfy a craving

Have a new years kiss

Look at Christmas lights on houses together

Watch all the Harry Potter movies one after another together

Finish a series that either person is interested more initially in but both like towards the end

Do a cute skincare date! (Face masks)

Go to a food festival and try as much food as we can, get creative - pick the other's meals out to switch it up a little

Go paint balling together and try it out (even if I may not be as good as you. :< I'll try!!)

Try laser tag if paint ball doesn't go so well, feel free to invite friends to both events for more fun :) or go karting (something I've never done before)

Go horse riding together sometime

Cook with a campfire / burring our food in the ground for it to cook (Like damper)

Volunteer to plant trees

Become regulars at a small bar

Play pool/billards together

Check out a timezone arcade and play as much as we can :3 see how many prizes we can win and be merry

Have a board game night (catan, uno, monopoly, dnd etc.) Together with friends or strangers

Visit movie world (theme park) and dress up a little! / usj / Disneyland

Play pinball and we swap between balls to see how far we can go together!!!

Have a little date with the power off (candles, moon lit dinner, board games and no electronics! Be cute and creative)

Donate blood, with moral support or together :3

Go foraging for edible fruits, vegetables, etc. And make a meal out of it :3 research and have fun

Make a little stone tower together and take a photo of the creation (balancing stones)

Plant sunflowers and look after them for a whole season ♡ alternatively pick said flowers when ripe and give them as a gift to love ones

Do a Lego / puzzle set together ♡♡

Capture a little froggy and set him free (clean him up and take him to somewhere safe)

Watch horror films or movies we haven't seen before even if it's silly (.e.g the room )

Visit an aquarium and stare at the little jellies in the jelly room

Go to see a musical, play or ballet together 🥰

Dress up and go on a spontaneous date around town, over dressed for the occasion but having fun

Sunset and nibbles planned date 🥺

Go on a theme crawl, e.g. coffee, tea, wine, pub, cocktail, ramen, etc.

rent bikes to travel around on whilst doing a theme crawl

Dinner theatre or dinner murder mystery event together! Something a little less tame and wacky but still just as fun (something I've never done before)

escape room (challenge ourselves to do it within the time set!)

Ice skate together, trip & fall and catch one another on the ice being cute (maybe rent the kiddy pusher to help you out and be dorks)

Mosh and go to A small band performing concert together / go to A concert for an artist one or both like

Hot air balloon ride ^-^ (waking up early and having our own "Up" moment)

Ride in a helicopter one day to see the world like the birds that fly in the sky

Buy a plant or two at a nursery and take them home to look after

Go roller skating, reliving our teenage years with a limited budget, eat old skool candy and slushies.

Surprise birthday party

Outdoor cinema, watch a film on a projector and have fun on some outdoor cushions

Have a little boho tent and lunch date set up as a surprise

Dance under the moonlight and shining stars together just swaying and holding one another

Overnight at a bed & breakfast together, sleep in and enjoy breakfast in bed whilst away from phones

Have a little bonfire moment at home, write down your deepest desire, secrets, fears and burn them

Take a personality test together just to see the results

Read books in a little book cafe & drink our favourite drinks whilst snuggled up in a book nook

Do a little tarot reading & see a psychic or medium

Raise a pet together

Buy some helium balloons & change our voices whilst doing something (e.g. a speak type board game)

Wake up with you kissing me / wake you up with kisses

Plan a vacation together

[mizunetzu]

can I request bakugou x male reader where femboyreader is smol, pretty quite and nice, and suprisingly are really ruthless on the battlefield and bakugou is just wondering where he got it from. Until next week bakugou meets his father's and brothers and all of them are tall and very manly men. But civil and nice. Hope you have a nice day,😊

LMAO THIS WAS SO FUN TO WRITE

——————

Bakugou x reader - My Cute Boyfriend and His Tough-Ass Family

⚠️warnings - femboy reader, if that’s a trigger?

Pronouns - male, he/him

——————

Bakugou didn’t know where it came from.

One minute he was small and weak, wearing a new, girly hair pin everyday and complimenting one of the girls on their newly painted nails. The next thing he knew, he was just as batshit crazy as him during hero practice.

“Eat shit and die!” Bakugou flung across the air, sending a big blast over to (Y/n’s) location. (Y/n) sped away, dodging it with his quirk. He growled.

“Go to fucking hell!”

“Like hell I would, shit-for-brains! Suck my dick!” Bakugou landed on the ground, softening the impact with a blast pointed towards the floor. He stood there, a few good feet away from (Y/n). They were both breathing heavily, glaring down each other like they wanted to absolutely murder the other.

(Y/n) let out a piercing battle cry, before charging head first towards Bakugou and bringing his arms out to tackle him. Bakugou followed suite, charging towards him like a bull with his arm outstretched to deck him in the face.

They got closer and closer, Bakugou’s flashy explosions igniting in the air while (Y/n’s) quirk began to power up. Closer, closer, until-

“Times up!”

All might yelled over the intercom, and both students skidded awkwardly to a stop. Bakugou tumbled over with an angry shout, and (Y/n) sputtered, tripping over Bakugou’s torso making him fall to the ground as well.

“Get offa’ me, crossdresser!”

“I’m not a crossdresser, spiky bitch!”

“Your hero costume is literally a fucking skirt-!”

“Alright alright, young men! The battle is over, no need to keep fighting!” All Might awkwardly chuckled from the intercom. (Y/n) pouted, and swept himself off of Bakugou. Bakugou scoffed aswell, not even looking at (Y/n) as they both walked towards the observation building.

——

“Aaah! Katsuki! I’m sorry for yelling at you during hero training today!”

(Y/n) jogged up to Bakugou, gently clutching his backpack straps and slowing down to a walk. Bakugou huffed. There he went again, that totally insane side of him that came from absolutely nowhere was gone.

“Like I care, shit-for-brains.”

“A-anyways,” (Y/n) cleared his throat. “Do you wanna study at my house today? Or just...y’know, hangout?”

(Y/n) blushed as he ended his question. Bakugou stared down at him. If he told someone this was the same person yelling insults and profanities on the battlefield while fucking shit up, they’d think he was lying.

“(Y/n’s) house?” Bakugou mumbled to himself. “I don’t think I’ve ever been there before...”

“Sorry, did you say something? You’re not really the type to mumb-“

“I didn’t say shit, shittyass! Go die!” Bakugou yelled. (Y/n) chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t think you’ve ever been to my house either.” (Y/n) sighed. Bakugou scoffed and shoved his hands further down his pockets. “You better make a good impression on my family, or they probably won’t let me hang out with you anymore.”

His family was probably just as fragile and dainty as him, was what Bakugou thought. He already saw the hugs and kisses and the “Hello, Mrs. and Mr. (L/n)” he’d have to choke out. He rolled his eyes.

“Whatever.”

——

“I’m home!”

A woman’s voice echoed through the house as (Y/n) and Bakugou both took off their shoes.

“Welcome back!”

“I brought my boyfriend over mom! Bakugou Katsuki-the one I was telling you about!”

He heard his mom gasp and timper into the entrance of the house, wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon. Bakugou was right. Dainty, fragile mother; dainty, fragile (Y/n).

Bakugou cleared his throat, suppressing the gag that was about to come out.

“P-pardon the intrusion.”

“...Ehhhh? (Y/n), don’t tell me you brought one of your little dress-up friends over.” A different voice came from behind both (Y/n) and Bakugou. A young, male voice. Bakugou whipped his head around.

“Haaah?!”

“Ooooh! Feisty!”

The boy, who couldn’t be older than a middle schooler, cracked his knuckles. There was something so familiar about the way he talked.

“What’d you say to me, you extra?!”

“K-katsuki...” (Y/n) whisper-yelled, wrapping his arms around Bakugou in attempts to hold him back. The boy laughed in his face.

Just as the boy was about to say something, an older boy chopped him in the back of the neck, effectively subduing the smaller one.

“Shut up! (Y/n) said he was bringing his boyfriend over! Don’t scare him away like we do all of his other friends.”

Bakugou looked up at the older one. He looked about his age, but damn was he tall. And muscular too. The boy from before may have been at least athletic-looking, but this guy just...

“W-who the hell-?!”

“Now, now boys. Don’t need to get so physical.” A deeper, throaty voice came from down the hallway, it’s heavy footsteps growing louder and louder as it came closer. A tall, well built man came through the hall, crossing his arms. You could clearly see his muscles bulge through his office shirt. “Did you all come back from school? Welcome back.”

All three boys chorused out a string of hellos. Bakugou looked from who he assumed was the dad, then the two boys, than (Y/n).

There was no way in hell they were related.

“Are-“ Bakugou croaked. “Are you adopted or something?!”

“Katsuki!”

His mother laughed, covering her mouth with her free hand. (Y/n’s) mother was the only one who Bakugou would assume was, well, his mother. But these...men?

“You’re probably the only person who didn’t go running once they saw these boys in our house, Katsuki. A lot of (Y/n’s) little friends go running because Natsu teases them too much or Kaito and his father scares them off.”

“This one’s different, mom!” (Y/n) intertwined his hands with Bakugou’s. “Sometimes I yell and get all bwaaah during training-but he doesn’t mind!”

“Oh, well that’s good,” (Y/n’s) father ran a hand through his hair. “That explains why he hasn’t ran off the moment we walked in.”

Bakugou blinked. (Y/n) leaned in close. “Trust me, it happened before.”

(Y/n) timpered off to greet his brothers. Bakugou looked between all 3 boys. Despite how built and tall these testosterone-soaked males were, the way they talked and carried themselves gave off the same energy (Y/n) did during hero training. Was that where he got it? From these...men?

(Y/n) was forced into a headlock, his brother laughing scrubbing at his forehead as (Y/n) groaned. He thrashed around, albeit laughing, and tried to pry off his brothers hands.

“Come on-I thought you were training to be a hero! Where’s your muscles, huh?”

“I could easily throw you into the sun, don’t start. You’re just jealous I look better in skirt than you do.”

“Bullshit! I’m sexy as fuck!” His grip was temporarily loosened, giving (Y/n) the opportunity to slip out. “It’s not my fault none of your skirts fit me!”

“...But you know who it would fit?” (Y/n’s) other brother, the middle schooler, turned mischievously towards Bakugou.

“Hell no.”

——

“I’m going to fucking murder you.”

“Hey, now. That’s not very hero-like.”

“Yeah Katsuki! Not very heroic of you.”

“Murder is no good. You’ll get (Y/n)-nii’s dress dirty.”

Bakugou shook with anger as he stood in (Y/n’s) room. He sported a pink, frilly, strawberry-pink dress, that had small strawberries littered around it and stopped below his knees. His muscles peeked through the soft thin material of the dress, and the way he stood with his legs spread apart angrily was hidden under the layers of pink.

“Oh! Oh! Wait!” (Y/n) stepped into his closet with an excited smile. After a few seconds of rustling and shoving away hangers, (Y/n) popped back out with a matching dress on. His dress, however, had a baby blue tint with small blueberries scattered across the fabric.

(Y/n) did a little twirl. “Don’t I look pretty, Katsuki?”

Bakugou, crossed his arms, doing whatever it took to suppress the blush growing on his face. “Sure...whatever.”

(Y/n) happily stood next to Bakugou, smoothing out the crinkles in his blueberry dress and grabbing hold of Bakugou’s hand. “Tada~! We match~”

“You guys look like the strawberry and blueberry milk boxes I buy from vending machines at school.”

“Haah?!” (Y/n) gripped Bakugou’s hand harder. “What’d you say?!”

Bakugou stole a glance at (Y/n’s) angry face. Not gonna lie, he thought it was a bit attractive when he looked like he was gonna beat up his own brother in a frilly blue dress. He pursed his lips.

These guys taught (Y/n) well. If (Y/n) wasn’t as intense as he was during hero work, he didn’t think he’d ever fall in love with him, not the same way he is right now, at least. He felt sorta glad his family wasn’t a soft, fragile family of extras. Bakugou closed his eyes, and smirked.

“Yeah! The fuck’d you say to us, you lil punks?!”

——————

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #247

Hoo boy.

Yeah, not gonna lie, this one was kinda tough. But here's our take on Arjuna Alter. Y'know, the physical god who can stop the world and let people get off. He starts off as a Fighter just like the original, because we are powerbuilding a lil here. Then things go sideways and he becomes a Fiend Warlock so he can feed on his enemies as he destroys them. Finally, he becomes a Divine Soul Sorcerer to focus on that whole "destroying enemies" thing.

Check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Next up: Big wheels keep on turning! Carry me home to see my- oh, oh god, I'm so sorry.

Race and Background

Original flavor Arjuna was a Genasi, but tbh eating an entire pantheon like a Golden Corral special changes you. Just enough to make Arjunya a Custom Lineage of his own. This gives him +2 Charisma, Darkvision to dunk on mere mortals, and the Fey Touched feat. He has absolutely no dealings with faeries, this is just for the +1 charisma bonus, plus one free casting of Misty Step and Compelled Duel per long rest, plus you can cast them with spell slots later.

He is still a Noble though, that's History and Persuasion proficiency.

Ability Scores

Arjuna's magic comes from within (the gods he ate), so that means we're hyperfocusing on Charisma, and that means we're starting at an 18 in this score. I know, I know, the guy who minmaxed the planet is himself minmaxed? Shocking. Or I guess maxmaxed, his weaknesses are also pretty big. After that is Constitution. You don't die when you die, that's pretty tough. Your Dexterity is next. Your skin's probably pretty tough, but I'm pretty sure "dodging" has been forgotten, since it's not resetting the world or breathing. Your Strength is good too, though we'll be using explosions more than punches. Your Intelligence, then Wisdom are the lowest though. You don't really notice things too much, and you're terrible at insight checks. You thought Douman was a good advisor. Douman. Fucking Douman.

Class Levels

Fighter 1: Starting off as a fighter is pretty nice, you get proficiency in Strength and Constitution saves as well as two fighter skills. Athletics will make up for us not being able to invest in strength as much as we'd like, and Animal Handling will help us ride a horse when we murder our half brother. You also get the Archery Fighting Style for a +2 to ranged weapon attacks. Specifically weapon attacks, so this won't help much later, but that's true of literally all the fighting styles, so w/e. Slightly more useful is your Second Wind, spending a bonus action to heal a bit. Hope you like it, this is the only healing feature we're getting this build!

Fighter 2: Second level fighters can use an Action Surge to make two actions in a single turn. As a god, you should be able to cast two spells at once. As a treat.

Warlock 1: Speaking of, let's cast some spells with Pact Magic. This lets you cast spells using your Charisma, and you get the spell slots back on a short rest. For example, you can use Blade Ward to defend yourself, Eldritch Blast to destroy your enemies, Hex to do slightly more damage on each attack, Eldritch Blast to destroy your enemies, Burning Hands for a bit of flavor, and Eldritch Blast to destroy your- you're gonna like eldritch blast a lot this build. We're also going pact of the Fiend. Arjuna doesn't make a deal with any devils (aside from Douman), but it'll help us metaphorically eat your defeated foes (Or literally, flavor's free) thanks to the Dark One's Blessing. When you reduce a hostile creature to 0 HP, you get temporary HP equal to your charisma modifier plus your warlock level. A maximum of 7 HP per turn isn't much, at high levels, but you're probably gonna get it every turn.

Warlock 2: Second level warlocks get Eldritch Invocations, special bonuses for eating all the gods. Agonizing Blast adds your charisma modifier to damage done with your eldritch blast, and Armor of Shadows lets you cast Mage Armor for free on yourself, giving you a near-permanent AC of 13 plus your dexterity modifier. You can also cast Command, in case any of your underlings get ideas of "free will" or "not following your clearly suicidal orders".

Sorcerer 1: Now that you're all full up on god blood, it's time for the meat and potatoes of the build as a Divine Soul sorcerer! You're Favored by the Gods, letting you add 2d4 to a failed save or attack once per short rest. Obviously you're perfect though, so it's not like you'll ever need this, ha ha. You also have Divine Magic, which mostly just means you can pick your Spells (that you cast with Charisma) from either the sorcerer or cleric spell lists. You also get Bless for free, so the rest of your party will be a bit better just by being near you. On top of that, pick up Thaumaturgy to act like a god, Toll the Dead to punish people for daring to have less than full health, as well as Resistance and Guidance to make your own saves and checks a little bit better. For first level spells, Silvery Barbs is just good, forcing weakness on your foes and then letting you punish them for showing it. Very on theme for Arjuna. Also, Chromatic Orb. Throw a planet at someone, flavor it how you want, very nice. Also, your cantrips level up here, since they grow based on total level. That means your Eldritch Blasts have two blasts per blast. I'll get into why that's good in a bit.

Sorcerer 2: Second level sorcerers get a Font of Magic, which means you have sorcerer points equal to your sorcerer level. They refill on long rests, and you can use them to create spell slots, or use spell slots to make more points. Again, more useful in a bit. Also you can cast Inflict Wounds. It's a good damage spell, you're a good damage dealer, it works.

Sorcerer 3: Okay, time for all that explaining I promised. But first, you learn Metamagic, letting you customize your one-person war against the gods with extra effects on spells. Quickened Spell lets you cast an action spell on a bonus action, though you can only cast one leveled spell in a turn this way. You also get Empowered Spell, letting you re-roll a couple damage dice, just in case your "end the universe" spell doesn't land on all sixes. Speaking of Spells, you get Aid, letting you give yourself and two other allies extra HP. Sorcerers do not have the kind of hit dice we want on a berserker, this'll help. Okay, now for the big damage numbers. Eldritch blast: good, up to 2d10 force per turn. add in action surge for another 2d10. Now quicken one for another 2d10. Plus we're using agonizing blast, so that adds 4 each hit, for +24 damage. Hell, let's be spicy and prep first with a Hex for another 6d6 damage. That means we're already near 80 damage average at level 7. And it only gets better from here.

Sorcerer 4: We finally get an Ability Score Improvement, so we can max out our Charisma for more damaging and more accurate Eldritch Blasts. And other spells too, I guess. Speaking of, Thunderclap is a good replacement for a more physical "throw a planet at people" attack, and Scorching Ray is nice for when you need to multitask killing people.

Sorcerer 5: Fifth level sorcerers get Magical Guidance, spending sorcery points to re-roll those ability checks you totally aren't failing. Also, of course we're picking up Fireball, what do you think we're doing here? Not getting fireball?

Sorcerer 6: Sixth level divine souls have Empowered Healing, letting you spend SP to re-roll dice used in a spell that heals someone once per turn. I mean, you're not gonna use this a lot, but it kinda works with Vampiric Touch I guess? The warlock thing we got earlier is nice, but sometimes you need actual health, and this spell lets you attack over and over again for a minute, healing yourself by half the damage you inflict each time.

Sorcerer 7: For your fourth level spell, we have got to go with Banishment. So, let's talk a second about how Arjuna's gonna end the world. In game, he ends the world and starts in again at the same place, minus all the people he doesn't like. Now, ending the world at all is a little bit outside the range of a D&D character, unless your DM is very generous with the Wish spell, so instead we'll focus on what it looks like to people within the world. Namely, people just no longer being there. And when it comes to people no longer being there it's hard to beat Banishment. It yeets a creature back to its home plane (or another one if they're native to wherever you are), and if they're in their home plane for a minute, they stay there. No muss, no fuss, no evil people blocking your path. Plus you can twin it to get rid of two people at once. Hold on. I mean...

Sorcerer 8: You can twin it for two targets! With this ASI, we're taking the feat Metamagic Adept for two more sorcery points and two more metamagic options. Like Twinned spell, turning a single target spell into two-target one, and Heightened spell to force disadvantage on the first save made against a spell. There is only one save made against Banishment. You do the math. You can also use Dominate Beast if you don't want to get your hands dirty. Just send in a couple Maha Naga to take care of things.

Sorcerer 9: Fifth level spell time! Get Flame Strike. We got the unpersoning, now we're just here for the damage.

Sorcerer 10: Tenth level sorcerers get more metamagic, so let's use some Distant spells to keep distance between us and the peons we're destroying. Also pick up... Sacred Flame, why not, and Dominate Person to keep your servants under your control.

Sorcerer 11: For your sixth level spell, we're foregoing the typical big damage spell for Fizban's Platinum Shield. You're a god, you'd better have defenses like one. This gives you half cover, resistance to common elemental types, and evasion. Just. The feature, evasion.

Sorcerer 12: Speaking of defenses, use this ASI to become Tough, for 32 HP now, and an extra 2 hp every time you level up. Again, sorcerer hit dice aren't great. Now they're okay.

Sorcerer 13: You know how I said it's hard to beat banishment? Well, Plane Shift does it. No more minute of waiting, not dealing with the natives like usual. One hit, one failed save, and they're trapped in the nine hells. And if they don't know plane shift themselves? They're stuck. Forever. Also, you know how I said we were foregoing the big damage sixth level spell? I lied. Swap out Banishment for Disintegrate. Force a dexterity save, and if they fail, they take a ton of force damage. If that drops them to 0? Gone.

Sorcerer 14: Fourteenth level divine souls have an Angelic Form, letting you spend a bonus action to grow wings. While they're there, you have 30' of flying speed. No limitations, though they do go away if you're incapacitated.

Sorcerer 15: Your final spell is the eighth level Holy Aura. It'll make you and your allies a little bit better for up to a minute. Creatures you choose within 30' of you shine with light, have advantage on all saves, and other creatures have disadvantage on attacks against them. On top of that, fiends and undead hitting them have to make a constitution save or they're blinded. You're just better than other people, sorry to the mortals.

Sorcerer 16: We have one last ASI here and we're not really hurting for anything... let's just bump up our offense. A lot of your firepower is literal fire power, so Elemental Adept wouldn't hurt. Your fire spells now ignore resistance, and 1s you roll on damage dice count as 2s. If they had this in force, you'd bet I'd be taking it. Also, this whole "better world" thing is taking a while. Let's drop one of those low level spells and pick up Haste to speed things up a bit...

Pros and Cons

Pros:

I'll admit this is kind of a power build, but why wouldn't it be? Every part of this build combines into making you a terrifying orbital cannon, launching down massive spells from above to wipe out the opposition from above. One of your biggest weaknesses is your AC, but you can fly and give yourself half cover, so it's not that big an issue. Oh right, and the damage! Your full barrage of eldritch blasts is now a total of 12 in a turn, for 12d10+12d6+60 force/necrotic damage. That's an average of 168 without any critical hits. This just removes creatures.

Damage aside, you can remove people from existence if you get close enough. With a maxed out casting modifier, a heightened spell, and silvery barbs, that's gonna be tough to beat. Like, ending campaigns tough.

Even if your DM sends snipers after you, you still have ways to heal by dealing damage. Every time you knock out a creature, that's an extra 7 HP to chew through. And with almost 200 HP plus whatever you're willing to spend on Aid, you'll have a lot of chances to use it.

Cons:

Your entire kit is dedicated to combat. The only real utility options you have are your flight and plane shift, so if you're in an RP heavy campaign you might get bored.

Also, if you get caught on the ground or a low level your AC almost guarantees you're getting hit. A grand total of 14 is not good.

You also have a very low wisdom score, so you might have trouble telling friend from foe. Remember Douman? Remember how you trusted Douman? That's mechanically enforced.

[rebeccaistrans]

The dark forest, stellaris, and kurzgesagt

Bit of a different post to normal, but I recently re-watched this video by kurzgesagt (go check them out if you haven’t already, their videos are almost unreasonably high quality generally). In a happy coincidence I have also played alot of stellaris, and there is an interesting link between the 2

I’m gonna talk a lil on how stellaris works here, so if you already know feel free to skip this bit. In a nutshell (no pun intended), you design an alien (or human) species and attempt to colonise a galaxy, doing all the usual Paradox things like trade, diplomacy, war, resource management etc. The key thing for this post is how you customize your species initially, specifically their ethics and values.

Here is my lovely empire of humanoid foxes, who I’ll use as an example for this post (Last I checked they were being invaded by molluscs, so unfortunately it’s not looking too good for these guys :( ). If I choose to edit them, I can arrive to their ethics choices (currently set to egalitarian, militarist and, materialist). The key ethics for this post are fanatic xenophile and fanatic xenophobe - screenshots of both of these are below:

If you are not already familiar with the dark forest, I suggest watching the video I linked at the start but to very briefly summarise: The dark forest is a possible answer to the fermi paradox. Perhaps, it is suggested, no alien civilisations have made contact due to fear of possible reactions. Think of our own history - the competitive and expansionist traits that lead us to becoming the dominant species on our planet also leads us to be a danger, to ourselves as well as others. We do some incredible things sometimes, but often not for very good reasons. The medical X-Ray saw rapid development to diagnose and heal horrific injuries we inflicted on each other. We split the atom to destroy cities. I don’t necessarily believe that all humans are bad, just that we can be incredibly dangerous. And so, if these expansionist, competitive traits are required to become a dominant species, then what if the aliens are like us? Then maybe the best option is to avoid contact at all? Maybe the best option is to wipe them out in a first strike before they get the chance to destroy us? I don’t necessarily subscribe to this solution personally, but it is an interesting concept to think about (I definitely do not think we should nuke the aliens dw).  

Now for the actual point of this post - I have rambled about stellaris and about the fermi paradox, now let’s tie it together. As a general rule civilisations you meet in game are usually xenophiles, xenophobes or kinda neutral. There are also more rogue groups - a devouring swarm who’s only goal is to eat any life they encounter, or an ai who tries to murder any and all organic life. Broadly, xenophobes and these 2 very much fit the dark forest solution, xenophiles and neutrals not sm. And I can play as any of these if I want, allowing me to test how effective the solution is within the game (ofc not representative to real life, the game has alot of simplifications and assumptions made). 

In early game, the success of the dark forest solution seems fairly consistent and quite impressive, easily allowing you to dominate your neighbours in early wars, assuming you build a large enough fleet to back it up. Early to late game, it becomes rather disadvantageous though. Odds are your neighbours hate you for the early wars, and other empires form alliances so if you go to war with 1 you are then at war with whoever they’re allied with too. 

The early game success of not abiding by the dark forest solution depends on your neighbours - if they are xenophiles or neutral your fine, if they aren’t you become one of the easily dominated neighbours I mentioned earlier. Mid to late game it becomes superior - now you have the allies, trade and also a diverse population to make use of, allowing a much more stable platform to build from should wars break out. 

As is often the case, being at either extreme is generally not ideal and the best strategy is mixing the two - avoid isolation or first contact wars, but be prepared to defend if you’re unlucky with the neighbours. Strive for good relations and goodwill, but be prepared for the outcome that it is rejected. Or just do what every other stellaris player does and play a genocidal maniac, that works too I guess.

[pilothusband]

fly me to the moon

Rating: M-ish (a lil spicy at the end)

Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader

Warnings: Swearing, boner mention, a douchebag, a little hint at food shaming

Word count: 2.5k

Description: You go on a date with a complete asshole. He takes you on a helicopter tour, not expecting the pilot to be the one to sweep you off your feet.

Author’s note: Probably should have edited this more but meh. This was completely self-indulgent. Unbeta’d. Let me know what you think!

gif by @pedroispunk

Why did I agree to go out with this jackass in the first place?

Your eyes were starting to feel sore with the amount of times you had rolled them throughout your date. He hadn’t noticed the exasperated movement of your eyes, too swept up in talking about the summer he spent in Ibiza with his former fraternity brothers, his medium rare, overpriced ribeye untouched.

So far, everything had felt off. The way he pulled up outside of your apartment and honked his horn to signal his arrival, the anchor cufflinks in his freshly pressed suit, paired with a pair of leather boat shoes and a salmon-pink button down. You loved a man in pink, but the rest of the outfit just felt like it didn’t fit together. Was he going to a wedding or going to party on a yacht? You had glanced down at your own outfit, a simple black dress that stopped mid-calf and hung loose, just barely hinting at your curves.

God, you hoped he wasn’t going to take you on a boat.

You had only agreed to this date in the first place because Liam, an investment banker who worked in your office building in the suite below yours, had asked you nearly every day for a month in a row. He was persistent, kind of like a mosquito, but you figured you were being too picky and needed to expand your horizons a bit. Maybe you would learn more about him and actually have a good time.

Not so much.

You couldn’t help but notice the way his brows knit together when you had ordered the fettuccine alfredo. The restaurant’s menu was pretty limited, and you didn’t recognize most of the items. This place was just too fancy for your comfort. You had wanted to call the waiter back to the table and change your order to a cheeseburger, just to embarrass him further.

As Liam droned on about how his father had taught him how to manage his finances, you let your mind wander to last weekend. You had gone out with your friends, Benny and Will, a pair of brothers who were each other’s polar opposites, yet they had a bond that was stronger than any other siblings you had ever met.

You were already well acquainted with their other friends, Santiago and Frankie, affectionately known as Pope and Catfish. Pope had a magnetic personality– he commanded the room without meaning to, sometimes to the detriment of others around him, who were trying to get a word in edgewise. 

Frankie was complicated. He was quiet, a little rough around the edges, and a little gruff, but so soft at the same time. His eyes gave way to a deeply settled kind of hurt. They had drawn you in almost right away. It only took one glance at his smile, brilliant and boyish, with a hint of a dimple gracing his cheek, before you were hooked.

You had only known him for a few months now and only saw him when the guys got together, but you couldn’t deny the desire that clutched at your stomach whenever his deep brown eyes met yours.

You heard your date call your name, snapping you out of your daydream.

“You ready for part two of the best date ever?” Liam asked. His smirk was all wrong. It wasn’t soft or playful. It was polished and practiced. He reminded you too much of Patrick Bateman.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” you said, pasting a smile onto your face, inwardly wincing at how fake it was. You could not wait to go home and put on your sweatpants.

Shit. Holy shit.

He was taking you on a helicopter tour. The same company that Catfish worked for. Your stomach was in knots, threatening an unwelcome return of the alfredo you had for lunch.

Maybe he’s not working today, maybe we’ll get a different pil–

Of course you had no such luck. The guide ushered you both over towards the launching pad, where Frankie stood, wearing a tan flight suit. His hair was tousled, likely from being up in the air for most of the day and he had a pair of aviators on. He looked delectable.

His eyebrows shot up in recognition. He cocked his head to the side, glancing at your date, then back at you, a grimace set on his face.

Frankie schooled his expression and walked up and gave you a side hug, his hand squeezing your shoulder gently.

“Good to see you,” he said, giving you a small grin.

“You two know each other?” Liam asked, his eyes shifting between the two of you.

“Oh, yes, Liam– this is Frankie. He’s one of my friends.” 

Friends.

“Nice to meet you, Liam,” Frankie said, shaking his hand politely.

Liam gave Frankie one of his wide, practiced grins. “Likewise.”

You could have sworn you saw Liam wince a little during the handshake, but you chalked it up to pre-flight jitters. Liam slung an arm around your shoulder possessively and chuckled.

“Excited to show this pretty lady some pretty sights.” His fingers curled into your shoulder, a little too hard, and he jostled you a little, trying to come off as a cute gesture. It had you feeling like a rag doll. 

The smile you gave him must have been pretty forced, because Frankie coughed, interrupting the moment.

“All right, folks. Ready to get going?” 

You nodded, feeling a fluttering in your belly. Despite not wanting to be stuck in a helicopter with Liam, you were excited to finally see Frankie in action.

Frankie handed you both a pair of headsets and instructed you to buckle up. Before climbing in himself, he checked Liam’s belt, tightening it a little and then came over to your side, adjusting your belt as well. You risked a peek at him out of the corner of your eye, noticing the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. 

“All set,” he murmured, giving you a soft smile.

Before you knew it, Frankie was in the pilot’s seat and the helicopter roared to life. The blades were whirring above your heads, making your hair whip around your face. You tucked the sides of your dress under your legs, silently cursing Liam for not warning you of this afternoon’s non-dress appropriate activity.

The swoop you felt in your stomach was unlike anything you had felt before, more intense than a commercial flight. You tried not to fidget, knowing you were in good hands with Frankie piloting, but fuck, were you already high up, and only climbing higher by the second.

You briefly wondered how high up you were now, how high up Frankie had ever flown. You planned on asking him once you were all safely back on the ground.

A large gust of wind made its way into the helicopter, forcing a shiver down your spine, goosebumps rising on your woefully unprotected arms.

“You cold, sweetie?” Liam asked. “I would give you my jacket but I need it to stay warm. You should have planned better, gorgeous.”

You instantly clenched your teeth, wishing murder was legal at this very moment.

“Well, Liam, I would have brought a jacket if you had told me we were coming here,” you said, voice dripping with a sarcastic, syrupy sweet tone.

“I have a jacket in the compartment in front of you,” Frankie said, glancing over quickly. “Go ahead and put it on.”

You obliged, opening the compartment and bundling up in the oversized jacket, instantly feeling better once the corduroy material covered your arms. You wrapped it around your torso and took a deep breath, hiding your grin in the sherpa collar. It smelled like him.

“Thank you, ‘Fish,” you said softly. He didn’t respond, but you saw his dimple appear out of the corner of your eye.

“All good back there?” You heard Frankie’s voice in your ears. You looked over to him, only catching a glimpse of his hands and the side of his face, partially obscured by his headset and his baseball cap.

“Doing fan-tas-tic, Frank,” Liam whooped. You couldn’t help but wince at how loud his voice was, and how he intentionally pronounced Frankie’s name incorrectly.

“Great,” Frankie sounded unamused.

You huffed, annoyed at your date’s bad manners and looked out the window. Terrible date aside, you had to admit the bay from above was absolutely gorgeous. You looked down at the ocean, so expansive and eternally blue. Your eyes skimmed over to where water met land, at the soft sand on the beach, turning into a thick forest.

“Frankie, it’s beautiful,” you gasped.

You looked over at him briefly, seeing a hint of a smile on his face.

Liam was momentarily forgotten, until his hand snaked its way onto your thigh, giving it a little squeeze. Instinctually, you moved your leg at the unwanted contact. Liam looked over at you, an ugly scowl marring his face.

“Careful with the turns in this thing,” he said, addressing Frankie. “Our girl here ate about 15 pounds of pasta before this.”

You felt a hot wave of embarrassment wash over you, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes. They streaked down into your hairline from the force of the wind around you. You had already realized Liam was a bit of a douche, but you hadn’t thought him to be cruel.

“The only thing we have to worry about bringing this thing down is that big head of yours,” Frankie quipped back.

Biting back a laugh, you looked out the window so Liam wouldn’t see your reaction.

You could tell Liam wanted to argue back, but he stayed quiet, since the man he wanted to lash out at was responsible for keeping you all alive at the moment.

The rest of the ride was pretty quiet, other than the persistent chopping of the helicopter blades. The views were beautiful, but you found your eyes wandering back over to Frankie every few minutes. The tanned skin of his hands as he deftly worked at the throttle. Every time he pulled on a control you saw the veins in his forearms strain with the movement. You wondered what else those hands could do.

Before you knew it, the bird touched down and you unbuckled your seatbelt, removing the tight headset from your ears. You had a slight headache and you could tell getting down was going to be a struggle.

Frankie seemed to have no issue, jumping out of his seat with grace and walking over to your side to help you down. Your legs were shaking, so you stumbled as your feet hit the ground, grabbing onto his broad shoulders for dear life.

“I– oof, sorry,” you laughed nervously, rubbing your nose. You had bumped into his chest nearly smashing your face into his sternum. Frankie bit his lip and chuckled in response, squeezing your waist. You felt dizzy with his arms caging you in like this. It gave you an overwhelming desire to wrap yourself around him, to feel him pressed against you.

“It’s okay, I got you.” His voice rumbled in your ear, absolutely sending your senses on a tailspin. His strong, quiet voice was doing something magical to your already weak knees.

You stepped away before you fell over, remembering your date after a moment. He was about ten feet away, arms crossed, his face pinched in an angry expression.

“I don’t think this is working out,” he said as you walked over to him.

“I couldn’t agree more,” you said, giving him a sickly sweet grin. “I’ll find another ride home.”

Liam scoffed and made his way back into the tour center to grab his belongings. You instantly felt a weight lift off your shoulders. Thank God he left.

“So, why did you go out with that asshole, anyways?” Frankie asked, a bewildered expression on his face.

You sighed, feeling embarrassed.

“I honestly don’t know. He wouldn’t leave me alone so I decided to give him a shot.”

“I can’t say I blame him for being persistent, but seriously, fuck that guy.”

You huffed a laugh. 

“Seriously, when he made that comment about what you ate for lunch I wanted to throw him right out of the helicopter.”

You bit your lip and sniffed, feeling the embarrassment wash over you at the memory.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” your voice was small and you rubbed at your arms nervously.

Frankie had a hard, angry look on his face. It made you feel a little giddy, that he was so angry on your behalf.

“He should have never talked to you that way. He’s lucky you agreed to go out with his sorry ass.”

“You’re right. And God, I can’t believe he took me here, of all places,” you laughed. This really was surreal.

“Feels kind of like fate, huh?” He said, giving you a boyish grin.

“How so?”

“Well,” he stepped towards you, arms sliding up the material of his jacket. “I’ve always wanted to see you in this jacket.” His gaze made its way down your figure. His eyes were dark as he swallowed heavily.

“And I’ve always wanted to go on a date with you, though not while you’re on one with another man.” The smile he gave you was shy, searching, as if he wasn’t sure how you’d react.

“Well, I won’t be making that mistake again,” you replied, stepping closer. 

Your tongue came out to wet your lips and Frankie watched with rapture. 

“I’d like to kiss you now, if that’s okay.” His mouth was an inch from yours, and his large, calloused hands cradled your face gently.

“Please, Frankie,” you sighed.

His lips were soft, despite the bruising urgency in his actions. Your hands immediately tangled into his hair, knocking the cap off his head. You melted against him and licked his bottom lip, asking for permission. He immediately complied, licking into your mouth. Your tongues found a delicious rhythm, tangling together. You moaned into his mouth, spurring him on further. His hips pressed into yours. You could feel how hard he was, even through his flight suit.

“Fuck, baby” he rasped, pulling away. His chest was heaving, breath ragged from your kiss. “The things I want to do to you.”

You slanted your hips back into his, pressing into his erection. “Then do them.”

Frankie bit his lip and groaned, pressing his forehead to yours.

“You’re absolutely perfect for me, you know that?” 

You grinned, leaning forward to capture his lips again.

“I want to do this right, though,” he said. “I’m going to take you out on a better date. Show you how first dates should go. And then I’m going to take you home and show you how much I’ve wanted you for months.”

You felt as if your heart had stopped momentarily.

“That sounds perfect to me,” you said, kissing him again.

Taglist: @tenderclio @softdin @darnitdraco @freeshavocadoooo​ @recklessworry @wyn-dixie​ @manalg14​ @codenamewife @comphersjost​ @princessxkenobi​

[lilmissnatcat24]

Turn Left Ch 17- Strippers and Red Sand and Mercs, Oh My!

Shepard and Garrus take on Fist, and hilarity ensues (death and desctruction of course)

CW: gore, violence, self harm, PTSD, drug use

Relationship: Femshep/Garrus Vakarian

Archive Warnings in author's note

Additional tags: enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn, slow build, alternate universe- canon divergence, detective noir, sex club, anonymous sex, canon temporary character death, murder mystery, drug use, dom garrus vakarian, whump, smut, heavy angst, alien sex, dual pov, an overly sexual elcor named candy, earthborn, ruthless, fake/pretend relationship, dead dove: do not eat, identity porn, minor character death

Detective AU mixed with identity porn mixed with so much whump my fingers are bleeding

(or, start from the beginning here)

lil text blurb:

Garrus stiffened next to her once they reached the Lower Ward. “We’re being followed,” he murmured out of the corner of his mouth. 

Shepard didn’t dare look behind her. She’d had the innate sense that she was being tailed for weeks now. Sickeningly, this felt no different-- which meant she didn’t have the spatial awareness she thought she did, or she was just always being followed. She didn’t know which was worse. “How many?” 

“Two. Maybe three. Turians, a human to boot.” 

“Same turians as yesterday?” 

“Can’t tell.” 

“Peachy.” Her hand rested on her pistol on her side, wholly dreading being sucked into another singularity field. She tried to take in as much of her environment as she could without moving her head too much. There were vendors all around, people milling about. Sure, there was cover. But the casualties? “There’s too many people here, Garrus. Should we try to shake them?” 

“There’s nowhere to shake them. The only shortcut is where Tali’Zorah’s body was found, C-Sec still has it shut down.” 

“We’re open targets if we lead them to the Den. No way Fist doesn’t have people patrolling that walkway. We’ll be sandwiched in.” 

“I know, I know. Which is a good thing, then, that I carry these on me.” Garrus reached to the ammo compartment on his carapace and pulled out something small and metallic. It strobed slightly in his hands. Shepard felt her mouth go dry instantly. 

“What is that?” she spat at him.

“When I give the word, you dive to the side. Got it?” 

“Garrus, since when do you carry grenades on you?” Shepard gritted through her teeth. 

“Oh, I’m not sure. It might have been since a rogue Spectre attacked a human colony and smuggled geth on the Citadel. Or maybe, because they were on sale. Can’t miss those deals-- buy two polonium grenades, get the third half off. I’ll have you know in my spare time, I love hoarding coupons. I even have a little drawer in my apartment that I put them in, color coded and alphabetized.”

“Are you expecting me to be surprised? Because I’m not.”