#it's not imported from america like these fucking corporations keep trying to do with black friday and shit like that

[singharit]

.

[gazorninplat]

I wish I was more excited for Death Stranding 2. I really do, but I was so unimpressed by the first one that it’s hard to believe something great is going to happen. I know this is a pretty unpopular opinion, but for me, DS was close to greatness, to truly be a shock to the industry, and it frustrated me that it wasn’t the case.

In my opinion, DS is an amazing core gameplay loop brought down by some of the most unnecessary and pretentious style choices Kojima has ever made. Walking around in the post-apocalyptic landscape of the U.S. carrying stuff to deliver was unexpectedly engrossing, and I wish I had spent more time doing just that without interruptions. Just putting music on and negotiating the terrain while keeping my cargo intact was immersive enough. I was annoyed every time the game took me away from that to listen to characters or watch a plot I couldn’t care less about.

Because, yeah, that’s the thing. The story of Death Stranding was trying so hard to be weird and quirky and mysterious and awe-inducing that it failed every single time it asked me to take it seriously, or pay attention. The surreal apocalypse of Death Stranding has potential, I think, but the imagery invoked to depict it’s so… tryhard. Very “this is a metaphor, man” that, granted, is the MO of Kojima, but here feels gratuitous and hollow.

I was never intrigued about what was going on. I just wanted to test this sweet golden exo-skeleton I just got and see if I can reach that damned Windmill without much trouble this time. 

I didn’t like any single character besides Sam, either. And that’s because Norman Reedus just seems to be playing himself, and he’s as annoyed and uninterested in the going ons of New America or whatever as I was. I don’t understand it, Kojima is well known for creating absolutely ridiculous but memorable and charismatic characters that are deep enough to care about them. The Cobra Unit it’s still my Gold Standard of how to do “weird and poignant” characters. They are practically Lynchian in how the balance between silliness and seriousness can create very powerful storytelling moments.

Here you have a boring fuck named Die-Hardman, Guillermo del Toro for some reason, and a bunch of other losers I could not be bothered to remember. One of them was called Hot Mama or something. She looked like this:  

All of them feel artificial and even a little condescending when talking to you. It’s all very “we are like family here”-type of corporate poise, pretending to give a shit about you while urging you to get on with your damn job. “You are our most important collaborator, Sam! Now go cross the Mountain Made of Knives to deliver this pizza. Don’t you fucking dare to tip it over. You will have a complimentary soda from Management if you survive :D”. They literally offer you likes in return.

HR at Kojima Productions must be a fucking nightmare.

Finally hitting the road after two hours of bullshit feels good, though. Preparing your cargo, finding the non-metaphorical balance between the boxes you need to deliver and the tools you need to survive the world is the absolute best kind of Video Game Choice you can offer. The post-apocalyptic U.S. is beautiful to look at, and incredibly inviting to walk in (seriously, the primary terrain consisting of black stone, deep green moss, and rainy weather is one of the best outdoor vibes I’ve seen in any game), and the idea of slowly building up some infrastructure to make each delivery easier, or at least quicker, was amazing.

Without a doubt, my favorite moment was taking a day or two to build a zipline through the mountains. I put down the final one and came back to the starting point in a couple of minutes. After hours of hard work and resource gathering, it felt amazing. I really wish that was the whole game.

Yes, the whole game. No combat. No bosses. Hell, even no plot. Just you, a pair of sturdy boots, and some ingenuity to open yourself a path. 

That’s what I mean when I say that DS was close to greatness. What if Death Stranding was a AAA Video Game dedicated to blue-collar work? Can you imagine what *that* could have done to our current hellscape of over-bloated, over designed, live service, micro-transaction infested, big budget games? Can you imagine a game of this scope and resources literally being an Uber Eats Simulator? And being successful at it?

Because, let’s be frank. Kojima’s name by itself was a guarantee of copies sold, maybe even block-busting success. If anyone in the industry could have pulled that kind of game, it was him. And I’m pretty sure that was more or less the idea, but the final product is still full of, in my opinion, unnecessary enemies, combat, shootings, set-pieces and boss fights. You know, video-gamey stuff. All wrapped up in a plot that wants to be deep and philosophical so, so bad, and fails in every single metric.

I fought the final boss (or what I think was the final boss), got killed, and then realized that I didn’t gave a fuck about the conclusion of the story. I’d rather be delivering shoes or whatever. I’d rather be admiring the scenery for a bit before moving on and getting the job done. I’d rather be listening to music.

I never finished Death Stranding. It eventually left Game Pass without me noticing.

That was a shame, I was doing great progress with a highway, and had plans to expand my zipline network. But after avoiding the game for a month or so, I decided it wasn’t worth it. All the infrastructure you build decays quickly (thanks to a Rain that Makes you Old falling almost constantly all over the map), so I figured anything I built was surely gone by then, and I would need to start from scratch. Or even worse, maybe other players might have finished it without my input. In any case, I made my peace with it. Death Stranding was a good video game, like many others, even when it had the chance to be unique. If only Kojima had decided to not include the more gamey aspects, or had an editor telling him “no” when writing the story, or didn’t have the pathological need to flex his Hollywood connections.

Death Stranding 2 looks more of the same, sadly. But at least I know I’ll have some very rad moments of solitude between boring firefights when the thing gets released on Game Pass in 2028 or so. Meanwhile I’ll keep looking for the actual walking simulator I didn’t know I needed. 

Maybe that is going to be my very own Death Stranding, I guess.

[4emfox]

The Battle Between Authenticity and “Normal”: Part 1

Nature vs. Nurture.

A classic argument I’ve only been aware of since AP Psych in the 11th grade. Which one is it? Are we more our nature? Or are we more formed by our environment and experiences? Or is it a combination of the two; our nature takes over only to interpret the meaning we gather from our environment and experiences? But, wait — is our nature tainted by those environmental and experiential factors so it’s never truly our nature, only nurture and mental mind-fuck interpretations?

Rather than going down the rabbit-hole of the argument and trying to solve or prove that one carries more weight than the other, I’m just going to word-vomit my experience with a dash of narcissism.

In my story, nature and nurture seem to be constantly at battle one with another. One consistently takes over and my authenticity often feels squashed by conventional wisdom and “supposed to be’s”. For example, my authenticity eventually led me to blog under the guise of a stripper alter-ego…as a Mormon. Chicken or the egg? Was I always wild or was my authenticity rebelling against my culture?

As a born weirdo I innately cared about myself and had a strong will to survive — emotionally, mentally, and physically. I needed my authentic self in order to do that. As a kid, I naturally fed that part of me. My Weird. She is why I write. I like her. I like her far better than the person she tries to showcase to others when she rejects her Weird due to cultural norms and conventional wisdom (ahem…and Corporate America). This piece of amateur word-vomit exists for the things I saw growing up that made me hide My Weird — and how she emerged when I needed her. And finally, how I attempt to keep her around.

I caught bits and pieces of what I was “supposed to be” in pop culture, in conversations, in what I was told, and what I observed. It’s what everyone else was doing. It’s the scene in Men In Black when little Tiffany gets shot by Will Smith because it’s more concerning that an 8-year-old girl is holding a book on Quantum Physics in a dark alley, rather than the multitude of aliens that have clearly seen the ugly side of evolution who are just hanging around on our planet — for funsies. Occam’s Razor: Simply put, the more obvious answer is usually the correct one. This leads me to the conclusion that little Tiffany is obviously just a wicked smart kid. And those aliens obviously just want to blow out her power like a flame.

These “bits and pieces” eventually became the puzzle I built around myself — the shell I wore — in order to hide My Weird.

As a kid, I had no idea what it meant to be “pretty” and how truly beautiful that lack of knowledge was — how freeing it was. I was never limited by beauty standards as a young young kid. This Beauty Box limits you. Once I was enclosed in that box (after having the proverbial carrot of “you will be valued” dangled in front of my face to coax me in) I started to feed the beast that was inside it.

I wanted to be a veterinarian (and an obstetrician; and an artist; and a teacher; and Indiana Jones). Badly. But as soon as I entered high school, I was given the assignment to pick my “dream job”, shadow someone who did it, then write about it. And I picked a Cosmetologist.

Fundamentally, there is nothing wrong with cosmetology. I can absolutely appreciate the artistic nature of the work. But it is such a stark difference from what my Weird wanted — this was the beast in the Beauty Box taking over. Weird Erin was curious and smart. But at some point in her childhood, she was taught to fear science. And her inner voice became incredibly loud, “You’re not good enough to do that. You’re not smart enough to be a veterinarian. Do you know how much schooling you’ll have to do? It’s more important to be pretty.”

That voice eventually became the subconscious, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t”. And once the voice is in your subconscious, it has a much stronger hold. It becomes a part of who you are — constantly orbiting your mind. Like an alien invasion, it took over. I didn’t even realize the voice was there until my friend, a psychologist, called it out.

To be continued…

[glittercatmomma]

What is happening right now in America is disturbing and unnerving and I’m going to rant about it.

I’m a white woman. I have been discriminated against for many reasons but here is the thing. RACE IS NOT ONE OF THEM. That’s why the #BLM movement is so big. There are literally millions of people being discriminated against every day but no race, gender, sexuality, or religion has been mass discriminated against for this long and this badly by everyone, especially white people. African Americans are basically being borderline hunted by police and cops are never held accountable. Enough is enough.

George Floyd should not have died. He could have bombed the entire state Minnesota and the cops still should have been able to peacefully arrest him without issues considering there were 4 cops and only 1 George Floyd. He was already in his stomach and cuffed. What the hell is he going to do? Wiggle worm his way away from the cops if they look away for a split second? FUCK NO HE WOULDNT. And he was only accused of using a false check. That is not a crime that would even be close to warrant the death penalty, life, or even a large prison sentence. Crimes like that are given short sentences or just probation but here’s the kicker. THE CHECK WASNT EVEN BAD.

-no one could attempt to help him because they’d also be shot or killed or arrested for “obstruction of justice” or some bullshit crime like that because there were three other cops who weren’t actively standing on his neck that could have taken down people attempting to help.

-this is also why cops should always wear body cams. That won’t solve all problems but it’s a start and that’s something for this corrupt ass country.

-this mans death better create change. He better not have died for nothing. No one who has been murdered at the hands of cops better have died for nothing. They all deserve justice and they all deserve good lives for their families who have not been killed. They better not have died in vain. Their living family and friends deserve a life where they are not afraid to be alive and get killed for the color of their akin.

-I don’t know who said it if it was the mayor or chief of police but some dumbass white supremacist said “i saw nothing wrong with the video. if he can talk he can breathe”. NOPE THATS NOT VALID. I can guarantee with his dying breath he said that and it was the hardest three words that man ever said. So no stupid old racist white man, he couldn’t breathe. He literally fucking died.

-90% (or some other ridiculously high number) of incarcerated individuals are African American. If they’re not killed, they’re imprisoned. I’m going to law school specifically to fight situations such as these. I’m so sick of seeing black individuals imprisoned for shit that a white person walks free for. It’s utter bullshit. This justice system is bullshit.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic that is getting worse every day because our TV show host president values the economy over peoples lives.

-other countries solved their crashing economy with mortgage and rent freezes and consistent stimulus checks. (Most Americans (including myself) did not receive a check. I’m a 23 year old law student who pays for everything myself. Government didn’t see my need for my rent. Luckily my college was kind enough to refund students some money since our classes went online mid-semester when they did not have to pay us back at all.) The economy would still not be perfect but less people would die and I think that’s more important.

-other countries also have FREE HEALTHCARE so they can receive mass testing which lowers the spread of the virus even more because everyone knows who is positive or not!!!!! WILD HOW FUCKING SCIENCE WORKS. TOO BAD TRUMP DISMANTLED THE ENTIRE PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IN ORDER TO HELP OUR COUNTRY LIVE. Other counties’ citizens also won’t go into debt for receiving treatment for Covid.

The #BLM movement is full swing and cops are literally using a chemical weapon that cannot be used in war.

-tear gas can legally be used to defuse RIOTS. Tear gas was used before there was even riots and there was only peaceful protests. People began rioting when Target (a corporation that the owners are literal billionaires) wouldn’t allow people that were tear gassed to get milk from the store. We have a right to protest in America. I personally don’t agree with tear gas being used at all because if we cannot use it in war time to defend a whole country, cops should not have access to it.

-tear gas??? In the middle of a pandemic??? That causes RESPIRATORY ISSUES? ARE YOU DEMENTED? WHO THE HELL APPROVED THAT? I DONT CARE IF IT GETS PEOPLE TO DISPURSE. IT MAY ALSO KILL THEM.

-if cops can arrest mass murders without even a scratch on their demented little heads, they can peacefully arrest a single black person without fucking killing them.

-If you’re a cop and you’re scared that any black individual is a threat, you’re in the wrong profession. Also, you’re racist.

-rioting occurs when peaceful protests are no longer enough. Rioting is how things got done in America. This is the last stitch effort before a full blown civil war.

-also, you cannot tell a whole ass race how to feel when a person of their race was killed at the hands of the police, who are supposed to keep us safe. They deserve to act in whatever way they feel. They are scared and threatened and they shouldn’t be. It’s 2020. How can we be this far in the future and still be racist. Its time to fucking evolve.

Trump pulled America out of the WHO. WHO is literally making vaccines and trying to make them available to as many people as possible and help begin mass testing but according to Trump, if they have any affiliation at all with China we can’t be involved with it.

-Chinese people did not cause this virus. I don’t give a flying fuck if someone fucked a duck in China and that’s what caused the virus to start spreading around the world. It’s not China’s or any Asian persons fault for this virus. Not all of China hudled together and was like hey let’s kill millions of people with this virus hehehe. NO. THATS NOT POSSIBLE. STOP BEING FUCKING RACIST.

These issues happening in the country right now no longer have anything to do with political and everything to do with morality. If you do not believe health care is a right and it’s a privilege, your morals are questionable. If you don’t believe all individuals of any race deserve equal rights and should be treated with respect and dignity, your morals are questionable. If you believe George Floyd should not have died, but also believe rioting went too far, your morals are questionable. If you support Trump, your morals are questionable.

Nothing I say or do will ever be enough to express how upset I am and how much I am hurting for the black community. I’m sorry this is the America we live in. I hope to help change it one day and when I get my law degree I will be fighting every day along side you. I hear you. I see you. I understand you. I stand with you.

[readingaccountability]

snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

[popwasabi]

“The Matrix Reloaded” deserves a re-watch in 2020

Here’s a burning hot take for, y’all; “The Matrix Reloaded” is not bad actually!

In fact, it��s more than not bad, it’s actually pretty good and perhaps a bit misunderstood by the fans.

Now, I’m not here to tell you it’s the best Matrix film. That honor will remain always and forever with the first movie, as it remains not just one of the best action films of all-time but one of the best science fiction films ever, period. It’s a classic and simply one of my all-time favorite films.

(Not to mention turned me into a Rage Against The Machine fan.)

But somehow, over the course of my lifetime, you know what movie I have watched exponentially more than “The Matrix?” The fucking “Matrix Reloaded!”

I used to think maybe it was an ironic infatuation. To a certain extent, I think it still is, as its overly indulgent action, bad lines at times, cringey new characters, and over the top moments can make it about as comical as many so bad it’s good movies. But growing up time can change perceptions, sometimes for the better, and can help you see things in new ways that you didn’t before and “The Matrix Reloaded,” especially this year, was one of them for me.

(My plans vs 2020)

I could defend the much controversial sequel by going in on its ambitious action film-making (the car chase is still my all-time favorite in any movie), pulse-pounding score, or its eye-popping cinematography that, honestly, holds up even to today’s standards but I think these are all things that even the film’s detractors generally agree on. 

No, I’m going to defend this film by talking about its most controversial scene: The Architect room.

I can hear the groans already and I don’t blame you. I found this scene preposterous and mightily confusing when I first saw it.

“The One is actually a part of the Machines’ system?? WTF!?”

(I remember having a similar feeling after playing Mass Effect 3...)

To be fair, its set up is a bit muddled, given the clunky script and pacing issues of the movie but when you start thinking about the message more deeply, given current events, and its relation to the real world it hits about as hard and fits as neatly as the first film’s more positive message.

The first Matrix film has a pretty dark setup, obviously. Neo finds out that he’s a part of gigantic computer program meant to create the illusion of free will for humanity while they are quite literally eaten for power by the Machines like cattle. Of course, Neo discovers he’s more than just another human connected to The Matrix but a prophesized messiah who has the ability to combat the system beyond its considerable control. By the end of the film he fulfills his destiny by becoming The One and beginning a new revolution against the Machines that control the human race.

(And looking fucking cool and totally 90s while doing it!)

It’s a pretty positive and uplifting story when you really break it down. It shows the viewer the lengths at which power tries to maintain its control and the Machines are a worthy avatar for this metaphor, but it also shows that power can be fought against when someone begins to empower themselves. When Neo says he will “show you a world where anything is possible” at the end its an earned moment of catharsis for not just him but the audience as well. We begin to start to believe in hope and beating the system too.

“The Matrix Reloaded” however goes several steps further showing that power can maintain its control in far more nefarious ways. Throughout the film Neo is told about the illusion of control and choice by characters like The Oracle and the, admittedly cringey, Merovingian. It feels strange at first because Neo is supposedly someone who is above the system but you can tell there is sense of jadedness, with some optimism of course, when The Oracle explains his role in saving Zion, like someone who has seen someone try to do this before, and The Merovingian simply mocks him for being another in a long line of “predecessors” who is completely “out of control.”

But then Neo finally does get to the Architect after being led there by The Key Maker and it’s here he learns his true nature; that he is the sixth in a long line of previous “Ones” in the Matrix and a part of The Machine’s control. He is less a prophet and more just another cog in the machine meant to lead humanity in one direction over and over again in order to create an illusion of free will for the resistance, the same way The Matrix does its human cattle.

Neo was a part of their plan and had been from the start.

(In case y’all need a refresher...)

There were tons of fans, including myself at one point, who couldn’t square with this strange narrative turn. Like Morpheus at the end of the film, there was refusal to believe it. It seemingly rewrote how one could view the first film and Neo’s role in it.

It changed the way a lot of people could see the positivity of the first film and understandably that could, and did, make a lot of people upset. Neo wasn’t sent to save humanity; he was there to keep them in line. It was like saying “actually Emperor Palpatine always wanted Luke Skywalker to blow up the Death Star.”

(I mean he does say this a lot though...)

But “The Matrix” was always about the lengths at which power works to maintain its control over the masses and “Reloaded” asks how can a corrupt and evil system be a part of the solution? How can it be reformed?

It can’t.

Way back in 2008, I cast my first vote as an eligible American for Barack Obama for president. Like many millennials at the time I found his mantra of “hope and change” sincere and uplifting and I truly felt the country was going to take a turn for the better the night he was inaugurated. For a moment it really did feel like things would be different after eight years of Bush.

Fast forward to 2011 however, and things changed dramatically for myself when I found out about the drones.

I’m aware of the fact that in leadership positions hard choices are made but after spending the previous decade vociferously calling out the Bush Administration for what they did in the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars this was a truly rude awakening for me. Combine this with finding out about him continuing Bush era tax cuts, re-upping the Patriot Act, the mass deportations, the major corporate donors, his mishandling of Flint, and The Standing Rock Crisis it became clear Obama was just as much a part of the machine as Bush was.

(Also, no matter how much you hate Trump, DO NOT participate in the the gas-lighting of this man’s record...) 

Now, I can already hear the pitchforks picking up and I’m not here to tell you that the Obama presidency didn’t have its moments or that it was worse than what we have now BUT this does not excuse what would be considered awful behavior by liberals under any conservative president.

Each Democratic presidency or nomination I’ve seen in my lifetime, from Clinton to Obama, has always touted themselves as a chance to “fix America” and bring “hope and change” to a largely corrupt system. But neither of these presidencies really changed much of what the previous conservative administrations did, in fact in some ways they got worse. Minimum wage hasn’t risen in over a decade, we still have the world’s largest prison population by far, the wealth gap has only INCREASED regardless of who held the White House, and need I remind some of you Black Lives Matter started under the Obama administration.

At some point the problem goes beyond just conservative stonewalling and political impasse. You can’t blame everything on Mitch McConnell (though a lot of it can too, admittedly). The system is behaving exactly as its supposed to because corrupt people hold power.

(They’re not laughing with you, they are laughing AT you...)

The extremely cynical Biden-Harris ticket we got going right now is being pitched, more or less, the same way as a "fight to fix everything terrible” that Trump has done. Look, I’m not going to tell you Trump hasn’t been terrible because that should be obvious to EVERYONE at this point, but when you have Wall Street goons actively cheering the announcement of the Democratic party nomination, a DNC that is running more conservative speakers in its first day than Latinx across the entire event, you have to wonder to yourself if they are really “The One.”

(A reminder that “Never Trump” Republicans are not your friends either...)

Again, I’m not saying things can’t be “better” right now under a Democratic White House or that some communities would benefit greatly from a change in leadership BUT the bar is FUCKING LOW and the truth of the matter is people WILL be hurt under the next administration regardless of who it is and framing it as “privileged” to think otherwise is actually quite privileged itself.

There are people who can’t wait for medicare for all. There are people who can’t wait for sentencing and prison reform. There are people who cannot survive another wave of US imperialism overseas.

We are being guided to the same predetermined destination that The Architect gives Neo and its what makes all this so aggravating for many.

“The Matrix Reloaded” shows Neo that he is simply another system of control for the afflicted masses but what makes the final moments of the film important is that he chooses to stop playing its game. When The Architect gives him the choice of the door that guarantees the “salvation” of the human race but in bonded servitude to the Machines and the door to make the supposed “selfish” decision to save Trinity from death but doom humanity to extinction, he does this fully expecting Neo to make the same choice every other One did before him did.

But Neo doesn’t, he goes through the door to save Trinity and for a chance to destroy the system in another way. Neo decides to break the cycle even if it might have catastrophic consequences. He challenges The Architect on whether he would be willing to allow Neo any chance at any other outcome and calls his bluff. It’s what makes him a hero and in a strange way gives “Reloaded” a positive ending as well.

(And again, just looking cool as hell while doing it.)

Now, with the way the next movie ends you could make the argument that the cycle continues and this theme gets contradicted but I would argue it’s a bit more ambiguous than that and with the fourth film supposedly on its way in the coming years there is a chance for a more conclusive and satisfying ending. This write-up is strictly arguing the message of the second film anyways.

What a viewer should get on further review of “The Matrix Reloaded” is that corrupt systems have more insidious ways of maintaining control than we may be able to accept. Wall Street goons wouldn’t allow a consistent formidable opposition party to run against them every year, it’s why they are deep in both red AND blue pockets. It’s why campaign financing is out of control. It’s why ultimately both wings of our government are pro-surveillance, pro-big money donors, pro-US exceptionalism/imperialism and the only real difference comes down to mostly minor minutia between the two to maintain their illusion of choice.

In the end to a certain extent, I still believe in the system, given that I donate money and support various leftist causes, progressive primary challenges, and reelections around the country in hopes they run a real left wing someday. However, each year, and frankly each month at the rate we’re going, I’ve grown more cynical about it. At best it is incremental change and at worst its ultimately empty power against the larger juggernaut of corrupt politics throughout our government.

(Me desperately trying to avoid the relentless bullshit of this year.)

“Reloaded” deposits that in order to break the cycle you have to make a choice not accounted for by the system. That in order to truly change anything, as silly and as obvious as it sounds, you have to do something different. Voting for people who better represent your beliefs much more fully and refusing to vote for ones who don’t is one way but as I stated in my “Black Sails” write-up the more active third option should never be off the table.

Changing the world shouldn’t come down to a false binary choice like the ones the Machines gave Neo at the end of “Reloaded.” And while, for the record, I’m not necessarily against people making the lesser of two evils choice again, people need to stop ignoring the ways in which corruption keeps its power and start having honest looks at those who call themselves “The One” who will make things right.

If this entire year hasn’t convinced you of that yet, I don’t know what will and the sooner we understand this the sooner we can start a real “revolution” in this country’s cynical politics.

Until then The Machines will continue to win...

*Me getting away from the liberal bullshit that will likely be tossed at me over this*

[angryhausfrau-writes]

I Travel Troubled Oceans - Chapter 2: The Heist

Charles was, in fact, difficult to persuade of the plan. Sure, he wants money just about as much as any of the rest of the crew. But he's also pretty fucking pissed at Eleanor Guthrie.

Although the prospect of getting one over on her – and ruining another one of the people responsible for sending him to jail and getting filthy rich in the process – is a strong incentive. And Jack's always been good with words. Persuasive, one might say. Charles is stubbly, slightly recalcitrant putty in his hands.

So they all troop down to the nearest YMCA so Charles can take a shower. And Anne shoplifts him some slightly more upscale slutty clothes, because God forbid the man ever actually wear a shirt. But he looks like a halfway respectable stripogram by the time he shows up to Eleanor's little birthday party – a fashionable two hours late so the party's in full swing and he doesn't look desperate. Though Eleanor will probably still read him that way. A pathetic sad sack crawling back to her on bended knee, ready to beg forgiveness and willing to do anything to get back in her good graces now that his former crew is a wreck and Flint's run off to America.

Eleanor thinks she's got Charles right where she wants him – under her two-thousand dollar heels. But that doesn't mean it's not a scene worthy of the fucking Baftas when she sees him come through the door.

Jack and Anne and the new guy are posted up in the kitchen, dealing to all the posh little fucks looking for a bit of white gold to get the party started right. Just killing time until Charles makes his move and he and Eleanor head to the bedroom.

And minimalist open plan living being in fashion, even in these old Victorian piles, they can hear every fucking word of the happy little reunion from a whole half a house away.

“Why Charles,” Eleanor practically purrs – and it's the purr of a Jaguar, lethal and expensive. “Whatever are you doing here.”

It's not a question.

Charles forces himself to look down at his feet. As if he's weak. As if he's ashamed.

“Eleanor.” He makes it sound anguished instead of angry. “I had a lot of time to think while I was away.”

Because Eleanor and her lot threw him away. And who knew Chaz was such a good actor? There's none of the violent, simmering fury Jack knows he feels over the betrayal. His tone is contrite and he must look suitably groveling, because Eleanor lets him continue.

“I started thinking about what was important – what was good in my life.” Namely her. And what he'd do to get her back. Though that goes unsaid, because there's such a thing as laying it on too thick, even for Eleanor fucking Guthrie.

And they – Jack, mostly Jack, who'd coached Charles through the whole interaction - must have struck just the right balance of pathetic groveling and virile masculinity with that little performance, because Eleanor says, “Why don't we discuss this somewhere more private, Charles?”

A few minutes later, Jack gets a surreptitious eggplant emoji from Charles's burner phone – the prearranged signal that he's successfully convinced Eleanor to sleep with him and that they're free to comb the house. Jack sends a winky face in response and then he, Anne, and the new guy split up to search for the cash.

Knowing Charles – and Eleanor – they'll probably be tied up for a while. Charles almost definitely literally. But that doesn't mean they can dawdle.

Anne takes to rifling through the bedrooms, disturbing several couples – and more – in the throws of passion. But she's always been good at intimidating idiots to stay out of her way – and so obviously on a mission that they don't do more than voice a few token protests. Plus, she's good enough at what she does – and they're so wrapped up in their drugged out fucking – that she's in and out before some of the participants even notice she's there. But, as Jack learns from her regular updates of terse “NO” and red “X” texts, she has no luck finding the cash.

Jack hadn't really expected Eleanor or Woodes Rogers to keep the cash in a random bedroom, where any horny houseguest could stumble upon it. So that just leaves the master suite – empty, what with Eleanor having taken Charles to the room that apparently serves as her bedroom cum sex dungeon, if Max's deeply - horrifyingly deeply - detailed description is to be believed. (Privately, Jack thinks Eleanor may have gotten just a little bit too invested in the whole Fifty Shades trend. But bored horny women are bored horny women, regardless of bank account balance, apparently.)

And Woodes Rogers is otherwise occupied downstairs, courtesy of the new guy, who's apparently caught his eye and is being rather badly flirted at, if the increasingly frantic texts Jack keeps getting are any indication. Jack feels bad, he really does – ok, not that bad, he'd do the same thing on purpose if Woodes Rogers was into queens. But he likes a little bit of rough - not that Jack can blame him – and the new guy seems to be doing it for him, even if he's got a pretty boy face. And this is probably the best chance they're going to get of having the house to themselves for the search. So he tells New Guy to stick it out and if Woodes Rogers starts getting too sleezy to make a break for it. They'll all meet at the rendezvous point at the kebab shop in the West End anyway, it doesn't matter if they don't all go together.

Plus, it'll help take the heat off if they just look like regular party goers instead of co-conspirators in a heist.

But Jack doesn't have a lot of extra time or attention to spare for New Guy's plight. Because Anne's struck out in the master bedroom, except for some rather tasteless but presumably expensive jewelry. And Jack's searched the study - a big, stupidly imposing room that practically screams “compensating” - and he's come up with zilch. A fucking goose egg, outside of a moving bookcase that hides a humidor. Probably Eleanor's.

So he moves on to the library, the last place the cash could reasonably be without them having to try and search the fucking basement.

It's probably the least used room in the house. Because sure, Woodes Rogers is a lawyer of some description and Eleanor an accountant. But the paraphernalia for that kind of stuff gets kept in blinding glass and steel corporate offices. This room is for impressing the impressionable. And it's absolutely stuffed to the fucking rafters with first editions of classics and entire sets of encyclopedias that Jack would bet real money have never even been opened by their current owners.

There are also several oil paintings in heavy gilt frames – perfect for hiding a wall safe. And if that doesn't reveal anything, there's always the horrifically overbearing desk situated in pride of place in front of the enormous bay windows. Jack can just see Eleanor there, sitting in the high backed antique chair like it was a throne, dispensing her version of mercy on groveling penitents.

Jack wonders if she ever made Max fuck her in that chair. That feels like something she'd be into.

And with that lovely thought, Jack turns to search the nearest painting – a drab toned portrait of a man who is presumably one of Woodes Rogers's antecedents. Blugh. But, heinous crimes committed during his life or no, he isn't the final resting place for stolen goods.

Jack turns to the next painting and the next with no more success. The final painting – one of hounds on the hunt – doesn't reveal the cash, but it does reveal some rather racy photographs of Eleanor and one of her previous lovers (neither Max nor Charles, so Jack doesn't remove them) in what is apparently Woodes Rogers's pathetic attempts at a black mail collection on his wife. It's quite sad really, so Jack just takes a snap of it for Anne – who'll undoubtedly show it to Max, who'll get a kick out of it - and moves on to the desk.

There, he strikes gold. Or cash, really. There's a hidden compartment in the bottom of the desk drawer with a lock on it – as if that could stop Jack. Or anyone with better fine motor skills than a toddler. It only takes him a few minutes and an unbent paper clip to open the catch.

And there lays the cash.

Jack signals Anne and the new guy to come help, since there's approximately a metric fuckton of it. Someone who's not Jack is going to have to practically crawl inside the desk to get it all. But they've found it, finally.

Thank Christ.

Jack starts laying bundles of cash into the bottom of his traveling case – one of those hard-sided suitcases that businessmen so love to use. And he's honestly not sure if that's going to be enough. But fortunately, the new guy had the foresight to bring a ratty backpack along and between the two bags and the three of their pockets, they get it all stowed away.

Jack texts Charles a Jolly Roger to let him know he can wrap things up with Eleanor and all that's left now is to get away clean.

Which is almost easier done than said. They walk out the door, times staggered enough that it doesn't look like they're all leaving together, and no one notices a thing. It's all very anti-climactic, honestly. The movies always make this part seem so exciting – car chases and shoot outs and etcetera. But they just walk right out the front door, completely invisible to the partiers still inside the house.

Jack leaves last, so he's only about a half block away when Charles finishes their little distraction off with a bang. They'd planned it all out – how to make it look like Eleanor had the upper hand in the breakup this time, so she wouldn't look too hard at the evening and link the theft back to Jack or Anne. How to make sure that Eleanor was left physically and emotionally satisfied enough that she never seeks Charles out for another night of fun. How to make her feel in charge and in control and like she's throwing Charles over, instead of them conning her.

And frankly, the bits Jack can hear are a masterstroke. Charles is pathetic and groveling in a way that is genuinely unappealing – but that apparently gets Eleanor's rocks off, because she's got the most self-satisfied fucking smirk on face, the one he imagines she wore the entire time Charles was in her bed. And Eleanor stands at the top of the stairs, framed by the open doorway, lauding her everything about herself over Charles as he begs her to take him back. Which she does not deign to do at all.

All the other party goers have gathered around to witness the carnage and Eleanor's not even pretending to feel sorry about making such a scene. This – this is what she's been looking for ever since Charles gave her the boot – coincidentally right before he went away on that two stretch. And she's milking her ability to get one over him in that same way for all it's fucking worth.

“We're done, Charles.”

She says it with the cold finality of a vault door swinging shut. And she sweeps back into the house, surrounded by the ranks of simpering sycophants. Leaving Charles curled into himself on the cold pavement.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice League International #7 (1987)

Kevin Maguire not really trying looks an awful lot like John Romita Jr at his best.

Ah! It feels good to be back! Taking a crack at John Romita Jr while he's just sitting there not doing anything particularly wrong. Just going about his business pretending to be a comic book artist! I don't know what John Romita's politics are but I bet he now agrees with Donald Trump on one thing: naming your kid after you is a huge fucking mistake. Was all that previous nonsense poisonous, vile, and toxic? I suppose one could argue the point. But I'd also guess that somebody arguing that point has never seen John Romita Jr's art. Or perhaps they have seen it and like it because they have a terribly underdeveloped sense of aesthetics. Otherwise nobody would argue with me at all! They'd just read the previous poisonous, vile, toxic nonsense and nod their heads in agreement while pausing for a second to snort a line of Adderall. Fine, I'm sorry, JRJR! Obviously you're an artist! Drawing squinty people with block heads and weird noses holding geometric guns without a single curve on them absolutely falls under the definition of art! Although I draw the line at accepting that Rob Liefeld is an artist. That's a bridge too far! What the fuck does that even mean, "a bridge too far"? It must be a term bombers in WWII used, right? "What the fuck do you mean, carpet bomb Dresden?! If we fly past the Geralthauskopfplatz Bridge, we're definitely getting scrawked by anti-aircraft flak, you bingehart!" Did that sound like an authentic American bomber pilot from the 40s? It's not like Catch-22 is my favorite book or something. Wait. Catch-22 is my favorite book. I guess I'm just no good at written impressions. I assure you it sounds exactly what you'd expect from an American pilot in the Forties if you heard me do the impression live. Also, this is probably the last month of my life where I'll be able to say, "Catch-22 is my favorite book." Because I'm over 500 pages into Gravity's Rainbow and it's just as fucking amazing as everybody who has pretended to read it says it is. This issue begins with Guy Gardner regaining consciousness after having been violently assaulted by his employer.

Why was the mouse glowing green?!

In my memory, Guy Gardner's change from dickhole to sweetest guy on the team came after Batman punched his lights out. But apparently that isn't the case. It's possible this new whack on the head is the cause or maybe it's something a bit later. I bet an editorial mandate came down which said they couldn't have Guy suffer serious head trauma from Batman punching him. So they had to add this new scene where Guy basically gives himself the head trauma that results in a catastrophic change in personality. The Justice League didn't quite finish destroying The Gray Man last issue so that story gets resolved pretty quickly this issue. Doctor Fate transported him to the Realms of Order where a big blob of Order disintegrates him. Which is what he ultimately wanted. It's what we all ultimately want. It's just you don't know that you want it until you've lived long enough for all the wonder to be bled out of life. That's why he's the Gray Man! Some people think life's too short but at 49, I'm beginning to suspect that it's way too fucking long.

This comic book passes the Reverse Bechdel Test: "Any story that has only one woman in it and every scene she's in, she's treated like a sexual object."

With The Gray Man out of the way, it's time to get to the important part of the story: turning the Justice League of America into Justice League International! I wonder how many people this change pissed off in the 80s? Fucking globalist woke elite bubble bullshit! People talk in derogatory terms about the coastal bubbles but they absolutely shouldn't. I won't disagree that I grew up in a totally different environment in the San Francisco Bay Area than people who grew up in the Midwest. A bubble? Sure. But it was a fucking good thing. I was recently showing the Non-Certified Spouse some of the station breaks from local stations in the late 70s and early 80s out of San Francisco and she was amazed at the representative shorts these stations presented, especially KTVU's "Bits and Pieces." Sure, there were the ones about ethics and morality humorously presented with a horse and bulldog puppet. But there were also the ones that showed different ethnicities and their lives, often ending with "I'm proud to be a Chinese American!" or "I'm proud to be a Black American!" The one about Japanese Americans even mentioned how Japanese families were put in interment camps during World War II. One was about Italian Americans and instead of Italian history, it just showed Italian art and various activities of people in the Italian community. One of the Japanese American shorts just had a Japanese American kid having to explain how he was tired of answering questions about being Japanese in America because he was fourth generation and just American as anybody else. But I guess that kind of commie pinko hogwash is why I'm a big fat America hating socialist! As I was saying before my politics politely interrupted (my politics interrupting impolitely would look like this: Trump voters should be forced to shit in their own mouths for all eternity), the main thrust of this story is to set up Justice League International. Judging by the cover, that means hiring some guy with a bucket on his head from Russia and Captain Atom, another white American male.

Ah yes! The introduction of the best character of the series: Big Barda!

Big Barda might not be on the team but at least there's another female character. Sure, Doctor Light was sort of on the team for three pages. And pretty soon, Fire and Ice will join. But it's mostly just been poor Black Canary having to put up with Booster and Blue Beetle's jokes about banging her. Max and J'onn discuss the United Nations possibly backing the Justice League while Superman talks respectfully with President Reagan. What a mistake! The biggest do-gooder on the planet normalizing fucking Ronald Reagan! He should be scolding him with a liberal smattering of Kryptonian tsk-tsks! That's when a Kryptonian gives you a little burst of heat vision every time you deny the AIDS crisis or invoke the spectre of Welfare Queens or destroy the economy by lowering the top marginal tax rates pretending that the money saved will trickle down to everyone instead of fat corporate cats simply keeping all the extra for bonuses and investors. Fuck that guy. I'm so mad now!

Of all the digs they could have taken with Reagan, they poke fun of his dementia?! Christ, Giffen and DeMatteis.

Hal Jordan drops by headquarters to give Guy a good talking-to but Guy doesn't need it because he's suffered a traumatic head injury on top of his brain damage alongside Batman's sucker punch to the face and now he's Mister Sweetbeans. And because he's acting so nice, nobody gives a shit that this is actually a medical emergency. Backing Maxwell Lord is a computer satellite in space. Is it Brother Eye already?! Are they already working together in 1987?! Or is it just some alien gizmo from the Millennium bullshit coming up? I don't remember! Heck, this Maxwell Lord might even be a Manhunter! Anyway, the satellite begins destroying shit on Earth with a giant heat beam. The Justice League, having nearly nobody who can do anything about it, doesn't call Superman to fix the problem. Instead, they decide to spend precious hours borrowing a space shuttle from STAR Labs to launch them into space to battle the space station. Also, they leave Guy Gardner back at headquarters on monitor duty. Because who needs the guy with experience battling in space with a ring that can protect every other member of the League while in space? Also the ring is the greatest weapon in the universe. So, you know, sideline that guy, right?

It's possible this was in the era where Superman couldn't survive in space either, really. But then that's even more incentive to get fucking Guy Gardner up there with them!

The Justice League manages to stop the satellite's destruction but mostly only because it was a huge set-up so every nation could see them save the world. Everybody wants them defending the planet now so the United Nations agrees to back them with one condition: two new members, one to pacify the U.S. and one to pacify the U.S.S.R.

I've read a lot of ridiculous things in comic books but Rocket Red's power levels being nearly equal to Captain Atom's might be the most ridiculous.

I love how Captain Atom's power level is 9+ but Rocket Red's power level is 8.43 instead of 8+. I guess the accuracy of whatever system they're using breaks down over 9. Captain Marvel quits the team and Batman steps down as leader so J'onn can lead. And that's about it, I guess! The issue ends with some kind of flim-flam about how its the 80s and we've become a global world and boundaries just don't work anymore and superheroes are cool as shit. I guess it's inspirational or something. There's still just one woman on the team though. Justice League International #7 Rating: B. Seven issues in and the Justice League has defeated two villains who weren't actual threats to anybody. They were just scams to get the Justice League some press. They also beat up and killed an old guy who was just frustrated with the boredom that came with the immortality the Lords of Order forced on him. So all in all, they're nearly as terrible as the New Titans who practically only ever battled relatives while putting the residents of New York City in danger every time.

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think, to date, probably coming out to my parents and family has been the most challenging thing for sure.

Tell me about that.

“I did it at age thirty-five and, in the back of my mind, I thought it would be scripted. I thought it would have a sit-down meeting, it would go as planned, and that’s not how it happened at all. I was going through some issues in the gay community and, being very close to my parents, it sucked not to be able to call them and talk to them about it. I was driving down the Loop on the way back to work, and I had this overwhelming feeling, it was like I was on autopilot, and I just picked up the phone and let it fly. Leading up to that point, that was obviously something I thought about every day, living a double life, sort to speak, which is tough, especially when you’re close to your family.”

What kind of toll did that take on you, mentally and physically?

“In retrospect, I wasn’t living my authentic self. Part of that was corporate America, I wasn’t happy. I had great relationships with friends, but personal relationships, dating-wise, it was kind of interesting because I was happy but, at the same time, I wasn’t. I was living a duality.”

What do you think kept you in the closet for so long?

“Fear. Everybody who’s close to me and know my parents very well knew it wasn’t going to be as big as I always made it out to be. Also, I think I had internal struggles with other things that prevented me as well.”

Like what?

“Other demons that were hiding in the closet with me. I was sexually abused as a child twice. The first time, I was three or four, and the second time, I was eleven. It was in a Boy Scout setting. The first time didn’t resurface until the second time it happened, because I didn’t understand what was going on the first time. I still think about it daily. I’ve always been asked the question if being sexually abused turned me gay. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that you’re gay, it’s the way you’re born. It’s a genetic thing. It certainly didn’t help growing up that way. It was almost as if when I came out of the closet, I was born again and shed everything that I was holding onto in the past. It’s helped. It’s not like it’s gone, but I have a different relationship with it. Getting to know my demons versus keeping them in the closet, understanding them and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like it’s changed the dynamic of the relationship you have with your demons. Would you still consider them demons at this point, now that you’ve accepted them?

“They’re more like life experiences. Demonizing your demons is still looking at them in a negative way (and it was a negative experience), but if you don’t love your demons, you’re never going to fully embrace them because that’s who you are. I am myself today because of the experiences I’ve had in the past, as is everyone else. Coming out to my parents was the hardest thing, but also the best thing. I tend to have duality in my life always.”

How so?

“I don’t know if it’s being a Gemini, but there’s always a duality to everything I do. It’s not always black and white.”

How did the sexual abuse impact your childhood?

“I had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm, great family, there’s the duality again, but then I had issues with intimacy and touch. I still struggle with that today. I’ll never forget, I loved basketball growing up and my parents sent me to this basketball camp. Every year, I’d be excited to go and the year after it happened the second time, I was there for two days and had to come home. Being intimate with coaches patting me on the back freaked me out. It was very uncomfortable. That’s the first time I personally realized the impact it was having. I joke that I went to Catholic school and learned about discrimination at a very young age, being non-Catholic in a Catholic school. That was kind of a blessing because I developed thick skin. I had to in order to protect myself in a Catholic school. That carried over into life. I would say the biggest impact it had was on intimacy. There was anger. I would bully kids. It was me lashing out with my anger. Thankfully, that went away. I would say, in retrospect, that was where that came from. That was during a time when everything was swept under the rug. We told the authorities, but it was kind of left at that, and it was never discussed again. I should have probably been in therapy immediately following.”

So, your parents knew?

“Yeah. They knew about the second time. At that point, this was the most recent and most important, and it reopened the first time.”

Was it the same person?

“No. The first time, it was a family friend and he was in his late teens, early twenties. I was very confused and didn’t know what the heck was going on. Like I said, the second time was a boy scout leader, he continued doing it in the community, and finally he was caught at the Nazarene church doing it to a three-year-old.”

Wow. You mentioned anger and bullying your peers. Did you feel anger towards your assailant? Did you ever have to come to terms with looking at that and trying to find forgiveness or compassion?

“I didn’t at the time, but in early adulthood in my twenties, I did. I was still dating women. I did question ‘is this the reason why I am the way I am, is this the reason I struggle with relationships’? Yeah, that made me angry because I see everyone else living ‘normal lives’ and I didn’t have that. Once I came out of the closet to my parents, all the anger went away. I think that was the last step to owning my shit and loving my shit because we all have shit. That was the last step of recognizing my demons, getting to know my demons intimately, understanding them, and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like there was a level of shame for years around your demons, and through sharing them, and being accepted and embraced by the people closest to you, it kind of released that.

“It did and it’s so fucked up because there’s a level of guilt because you ask yourself did that really happen? You question—although I can vividly remember it—but you ask yourself ‘is that really bad?’ Of course it’s bad, but your mind goes through that process. You compartmentalize it, which is another interesting thing. That’s why therapy probably would have been beneficial, to work through it with a professional.”

Did you ever feel that when you went to your parents, they had any sort of shame? Sometimes situations like that, depending on the kind of community you live in and the level of prestige or status your family might have, or how important that is to them.

“I think they dealt with it the best they knew how, which was not to deal with it. In my community, anything that was (I don’t know that I’d call it scandalous) hard or challenging wasn’t really talked about, and a lot of that was the era and the time. In today’s world, it would probably be completely different. I think a lot of that comes with technology and communication. We’re all so interconnected now that people can hear other people’s stories, and there’s a point of reference to go off of. I can’t imagine a parent . . . what’s your point of reference, unless it happened to you. That’s why I think what you’re doing is so important because it’s giving people a point of reference.”

Thank you. So, what was the relationship like with your parents? If they really didn’t do anything, although you said that they reported it to the authorities.

“I’ll never forget because I was eavesdropping on the phone call. They called the head scoutmaster and, what’s even crazier, is this was affiliated with my church. I listened to the conversation and basically the head scoutmaster said ‘we’ll look into it and blah, blah, blah’ and, honestly, after that, it kind of went away. There were other scouts that went through the same thing. I wasn’t the only one. Obviously, the guy was a serious pedophile. I had peers who were going through the same thing but, again, we didn’t talk about it. There was a lot of shame and guilt associated with it.”

The quality of your relationship with your parents during that time in your life, even before that, what was it like?

“It’s bizarre . . . it was great. Everything was ‘normal’ and I guess, as humans, we have the ability to compartmentalize and lock something away, and that’s when it starts festering.”

And, you never know when it comes out and it can be a whole series of things, not just that one thing that comes out.

“Right.”

It sounds like the second instance where it was happening triggered memories of the first, and then you talked about coming out at age thirty-five, and that also being a release in a way or an awakening of a new chapter. You also talked about dating women. What was it like having relationships with women, knowing that was not authentically who you were?

“As bizarre as this sounds, it was normal because, again, I had zero point of reference of being gay, having grown up in a small town in West Texas. I had no peers who were gay, although there probably were, but they were in the same situation as I was. I knew the act of dating and being in a relationship with a girl was normal, but it didn’t feel normal to me, if that makes sense. I felt like I was like everyone else by doing it, but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that’s not who I was. It wasn’t until my mid-to-late twenties that I started realizing I was not only affecting myself, but affecting someone else’s life. That was a lot of personal growth for me, knowing that I could do that. I think through the process of being empathetic, I’ve developed a deep level of empathy for all. I think when I really started homing in on empathy is when I came to the realization that I can get married because I’m supposed to, but that’s not only going to affect me and my family, but it’s going to affect another family as well. I think that was a turning point for me that it was time to do this.”

I’m guessing that it must have felt like the pressure was building as each year past and that secret remained, and it just gets harder and harder.

“Hell yeah. Family holidays . . . I would dread—girlfriend, marriage, and it’s so nice not to have to deal with that … so nice. I think too I’m happy that we’re at a place that people can be who they are. There are still going to be assholes out there but, for the most part, we’re coming to a point in time where it’s okay to just be.”

Regardless of what your sexuality is, I think just being who you are in general and finding your identity and sharing it with the world in an authentic way is a courageous act and it’s also met with rejection, ridicule, and criticism. It’s part of the recipe for anyone outside of the gay community as well.

“Once I started to get to know and embrace my demons, everything else went away, my insecurities in general. I’m completely happy with who I am and there’s not anything and, sometimes I wonder if it’s to a fault because you can’t go through life saying ‘I don’t care,’ because I do care. At the same time, what other people think of me, except for people that I care about, of course, I want them to have positive impressions and feelings towards me. For the most part, I’m not going to let what people think of me affect my life”

It sounds like what you’re saying is that it doesn’t change the way that you value or perceive your self-worth, someone’s ability to see that or define it, doesn’t change the way that you define yourself as being worthy and of value.

“Yes, right.”

That’s important because I think the society and culture that we live in today is self-hinged on other’s approval of us, whether it’s through social media or through social interactions in public, it’s constant, almost being appraised by others and having that dictate who we are and how valuable we are as a human being.

“If you think about it, that typically is not your authentic self. You’re masking your demons and presenting an altered version of yourself to society by doing that. I think that’s why authenticity resonates with me. I kind of feel there’s a movement of authenticity and that’s why you see it all the time, which is good, but I think there’s a long way to go. You look at social media, and a lot of it is not authentic. At the same time, there are people that are yearning for authenticity and I’m happy that I’m seeing it more and more.”

Would you say that embracing vulnerability is a part of being authentic?

“Yeah, definitely it’s a part of it. I think that’s probably one of the hardest things for people to do. It’s protectionism. When you’re vulnerable, you’re completely exposed and I think we’re taught not to be. We’re taught to protect ourselves, but I think until you can become truly vulnerable, you’re not living your authentic life because that’s a big part of it.”

Tell me about your teenage years, in school, you’ve had this experience. Did you go to a special high school?

“No, I went to public junior high and high school. Junior high was definitely awkward. Again, I didn’t really feel like I fit in. I had a great experience in high school, and a lot of that was through sports. Playing sports—there was a sense of community and team. I had that commonality with people in sports, whereas in junior high, you’re awkward in junior high any way. But, holding on to that, that was tough. Junior high was tough. It’s interesting because I would say that I would consider myself a bully when I was in Catholic school, and that was when being the only non-Catholic in a Catholic school, being different, and the fact that I felt different because I was gay and because of the sexual abuse. That was a triple whammy.”

That’s a lot of layers of separation.

“Yeah. High school was what I would consider normal. I was happy in high school. I think I’ve been very fortunate that I’ve never really experienced deep depression. There’s sadness, but I think mine manifested in anger more than sadness.”

Would you say that’s because anger is an easier emotion to feel or express, or because being a man that’s more encouraged?

“I think environmentally speaking, growing up in West Texas, cowboys, farmers, macho, I think that it was probably my environment. You didn’t see a lot of sadness. I really never saw a lot of sadness.”

Did you ever see your father cry?

“No . . . maybe at his dad’s funeral, but it was brief. I saw my mom cry. I think that had something to do with it as well. I was angry . . . I was angry.”

Where did that anger lead you towards? Were you self-destructive? Were you hurtful towards other people?

“No. I was never self-destructive. I was a verbal and emotional bully; it was never physical. I think sometimes I would pull away, isolation.”

Sometimes anger can help us through that because anger pushes people away. That anger discharges our pain.

“I’ve also been fiercely independent and I think that’s probably where it stems from. Again, some people say I’m a social person, but I sometimes feel that I’m a loner, as well. Sometimes, I find solace in being alone and reflective of my thoughts. Yeah, I’ve always been like that.”

So, you had kind of a normal junior high and high school experience. Did you go on to college and what does that look like?

“Again, it was normal. I was in a fraternity. I was very active in student organizations and had good grades, which is remarkable because I had ADHD, which I didn’t figure out until after college when I had my first job. Excessive partying, I don’t think that was a manifestation of anger. I think it was a product of being in college, because your buddies were doing it as well. I think the biggest hang up I’ve had until coming out was being honest with myself about being gay. It’s amazing the trajectory of my life once I owned it; it has completely changed.”

How so? What were some of the shifts that you saw?

“From a professional standpoint, I felt like I was a hamster in a wheel. Corporate—that’s just not me. I really don’t like structure. I don’t follow rules very well. It’s not like I’m anti-follow rules. It’s just that my mind doesn’t see the value that other people see in following rules. You might wonder where that comes from. Overall, when you love yourself and you’re doing what you love, it’s just natural for the trajectory and overall quality of your life to improve. I think me coming out was directly related to that. I certainly wasn’t doing what I wanted to do prior to real estate. Everything just kind of came to a head and I released it all. I opened the floodgates up. I didn’t want to lie to my parents anymore. I didn’t want to do corporate America anymore. I was done. I think that I was fortunate that I focused on positive avenues and career change. It very easily could have gone another way.”

Was that a scary time for you? It seems like a lot of change all at once, being honest about who you are and making a significant career change.

“Yeah. It felt like somebody put me in a jar, put a top on it, started shaking it up, and then poured it out. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. It was at a point that I think had I not done that, I could have seen myself going a different direction pretty quickly, starting to rely on other things to numb what was going on. It was scary and exciting.”

Would you say that pain was a catalyst to some of these major changes in your life, or some degree of pain or discomfort?

“Yeah. Yep. Around that time too, I had a friend who’s a life coach, and I became interested in things like Deepak and spiritualism, and it really opened my eyes. I think in Western society, there’s a roadmap that we’re given and expected to do. It takes a major event to realize tear that fuckin’ map up, throw it away. Seriously, throw that fuckin’ map away. Once I realized that, everything just kind of fell into place. There wasn’t a map needed because my map was organic. Yeah . . . my path was organic.”

Did you practice any sort of faith through this time or during this time that you’re kind of moving through fear, going through change, and embracing courage?

“I was raised Methodist and I would find myself praying. I was praying to God, but it took me a while to realize that the God I was taught in school and in church was not the God I was praying to. I’ve always been interested in other religions. Growing up going to a Catholic school Monday through Friday and then going to a Protestant church on the weekend—there’s a similar story, but there are a lot of differences. So, I was like ‘hey, why is it this way here and then on Sunday it’s this way?’ And they say ‘we’re right, they’re wrong.’ It kind of opened my mind at a young age that there’s a lot of hypocrisy in organized religion. Growing up where I did, friends and parents of the Church of Christ, they literally would say, ‘We love you, Chris, but you’re going to go to hell if you don’t convert.’ Who says that? You’re a Christian? We would sneak the liquor that they hid; they were closet drinkers. My spirituality has been a lifelong evolution that God is within yourself. Part of the beauty of realizing that is when you shed and become authentically yourself, that’s when you realize that God is within you, whether or not you want to call it God. To me, studying religions, there’s a lot of history, a lot of depth, and similarities, but it’s the action behind the religion that I have issue with. The different types of religions—they’re all beautiful in their own way, but its people that make them that not so religious.”

Do you have any practices now that help guide you?

“Yes. I do guided meditation, and meditating is praying. If everybody realized that we’re all doing the same thing, it’s all the same, I think there would be a lot less anger and violence in the world. I like to meditate. Meditation is challenging for me because of my ADHD, but then I realized to meditate, once you stop trying, it becomes meditation. Yeah, I try to meditate daily. It’s a grounding practice that energizes me. It’s like a power nap.”

What are some of the other practices or coping skills that you use when things get challenging or stressful?

“I exercise. Exercise has always been a great outlet. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was coping, that exercise is my outlet. I guess that’s not a bad one to use. Yeah . . . exercise, meditation, and I journal. I like reflecting my thoughts, and writing them down helps.”

You mentioned early on, when you had gone through those periods of abuse, that getting into therapy would have been helpful. Did you eventually get into therapy?

“When I moved to Houston, I briefly started going to a therapist and I found that we weren’t discussing the trauma in my childhood, but discussing the trauma in my relationships. In retrospect, it stems from the trauma in my childhood. That’s not on the therapist, that’s on me because I wasn’t discussing it and how was he to know. Unless you’re ready to talk about it, it’s a waste of resources on both sides. I think for therapy to work, you have to let it all out. I briefly went to therapy, but I wasn’t being 100 percent truthful. I was more concerned about this person and why it wasn’t working versus my shit. I think I have come to a point in my life where I have to own my own shit. That’s part of growing up, but I think it took me a long time to grow up.”

It’s much easier to notice someone else’s shit and to point it out.

“It’s easier to deal with someone else’s shit.”

Sometimes you don’t realize until that person has moved on from your life and you’re still left with the same kind of shit you’re experiencing and it’s actually yours and not theirs.

“Yep. That’s ego.”

Tell me about some of your relationships. You’ve had long-term relationships with women.

“Yes, and this is something that I struggle with—intimacy because I think at a very young age, I associated it with sex. Sex and love were not in the same wheelhouse for me, and every relationship I’ve ever been in it’s been an issue. That’s one of the demons I’m trying to get to know best, and really understand and embrace because it’s not only affecting me, but it’s affecting other people. You can look back it’s almost like clockwork the stages in a relationship that I go through. In the beginning, the sex is great because there’s no love involved. Once feelings start developing, I push away. It’s tough.”

What’s the fear there when love starts to be involved in that picture?

“I don’t know, but I think it’s the little boy trying to protect himself. Every time emotions and feelings come into play, he’s protecting himself. He doesn’t want to ever feel that way again. I would have to say that it is getting better for me, but it’s going to be something that I’ll always have to deal with. It will never, ever go away. It’s impossible. It’s a part of who I am. It’s a part of my self and I think the fact that I realize that, it’s making the ability for me to move forward and deal with it easier, but it will always be there.”

I’m sure he will always be there but, at some point you may come to a place where you can shift his role in the equation because I’m sure that served you for a number of years to protect you, but it’s no longer serving you as an adult. I had a brief conversation in the car yesterday with my aunt while I was visiting, and she was talking about her own upbringing, feelings, and also having been abused. She said she had a pivotal moment with her healer or guide, who told her to invite the little girl to play instead, like you’re a child, it’s okay, just play, so that she could take the lead as an adult and integrate those aspects of herself because when you’ve experienced trauma, they get kind of fragmented and that child who’s had to create those defenses to survive, it continues to kind of rush in when there’s a threat, or feels like a threat.

“What’s so bizarre to me is that how can love ever be a threat? How can you be in the process of falling in love and consider that a threat?”

If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, abused, neglected, assaulted—all of those things impact your ability to trust and your willingness to be vulnerable, which can make you associate love with those things. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt or taken advantage of, but on the other side of that, if you carry that armor and push away the very thing that you’re longing for, you’ll continue to suffer and create that distance between what you want and where you are.

“Yeah. It’s just so crazy because the two things that I love, independently so much, but marrying them together . . . It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is something that I’ve always struggled with, but I think recognizing it, acknowledging it, and becoming intimate with it is the first step in bringing those two things together.”

Yes. If you have the capacity to, what you were referring to as your demons, invite them in and get to know them well, the same is true for that little boy, leaving space for him, to join in as well.

“Yes.”

What would you say to that little boy if you could as your adult self today, sit with him and offer him some message or consolation?

“Just let him know that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s difficult to put my mindset to where he was and, knowing myself as a little boy, would he listen to what I’m telling him. Just tell him that it’s going to be okay. Hang in there. It’s going to be okay.”

That little boy, as he was developing from those experiences, did he ever feel that he was responsible when it happened?

“Yes. I have had these defining moments in my life, some of them great and some of them not so great. I’ll never forget, we were at my aunt’s house, and my little nephew, who was three or four at the time, and my mom asked me to take him to the bathroom and help him. I was about thirteen, and this was still raw and fresh. I was in the bathroom helping him and my grandmother came in and said ‘stop doing that to him’ and I remember my body going cold and thinking ‘am I doing something wrong?’ That had a profound, profound impact on intimacy. That had a profound impact on me. You wonder what happened to her. She had no idea what I was going through. So, what skeletons or demons were in her closet that caused her to react like that? I didn’t recognize that until later as an adult. I was like ‘oh my God, am I doing something wrong?’ There’s a degree of shame and you think since I was abused, am I going to do it to other children? I think abuse victims probably feel that there’s a stigma. The reality is if that happened to you, that’s the last thing that you’d ever want to do to somebody. It’s amazing that collectively less than thirty minutes in time can have such a profound impact on someone’s life.”

Yes, and that says a lot about every moment of our lives, especially when we’re in a position to make choices, all of these little microscopic and micro decisions that we make from moment to moment can really dictate.

“You have the ability in sixty seconds to change somebody’s life forever.”

It sounds like you were able to come to a place where you were able to look at what happened, to accept that it happened, and to decide to move forward, which I think is a part of the process of healing and forgiveness. Were you able to forgive your abuser?

“Yeah. It took a long time and this is horrible, but the second one was killed in a tragic, car accident and I, honestly, found happiness in that, which is not the person I am today because I like to think that I have empathy for all. I’ve forgiven them both.”

In doing that, did you have to be curious about what had shaped them as an individual and maybe what they had experienced in their life?

“Yeah. I don’t know how that can be environmental, a learned behavior, because of all the abuse victims that are out there. There are so many abuse victims, I think that it’s a sickness. I think that it is a sickness and, people that do that, need help. I’m not saying that they should be free, walking around in society, but that they need help. Locking somebody in a jail cell is not going to help them. They need to be supervised. There’s something going on that would cause somebody to do that. I think there’s some kind of mental disorder. It’s like a serial killer. They’re not doing it for fun. They may find fun in it, but there’s a reason they’re doing that and it’s probably something haywire in their brain causing them to do that. You would hope because if not, there’s pure evil.”

You talked about getting to a place of authenticity in your life and part of that was loving yourself. What did that look like to love yourself and to practice that?

“For me, loving myself was knowing myself, not judging myself, and accepting myself. Once I accepted myself, all the other things that are involved in loving myself just kind of fell in naturally. Loving the good and bad because we all have good and bad, and owning both the good and bad. This is not just about sexuality. If you’re not owning your bad traits, it’s the same as keeping them in the closet, pushing them right back there with all of the other skeletons. I truly believe that, as humans, we cannot heal until we accept and embrace, and then the healing process starts.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal from abuse and trauma?

“I do. Like I said, it’s never going to go away, but once you realize that’s a part of who you are and you love yourself as a whole. Think about that, if you love yourself as a whole, that’s a part of you. In doing that, you’re loving that part of you, as well. It might not be a pleasant part, but it’s a part nonetheless. I think we have the capacity to heal and love. You have to recognize and fully embrace the good and bad to do so, and it looks different for every person. There are similarities in healing, but it’s going to look different for every person.”

I’m guessing that part of your healing right now is probably talking about this and sharing the story, knowing that somebody else who’s experienced something similar or felt your emotions could benefit.

“Yes. This is very therapeutic. It’s telling your story and knowing that there are people with similar stories. They might not be dealing with it as you are, but the more that you put your story out there, maybe somebody can grasp on to how you’re dealing with it and provides them a level of solace that they wouldn’t have had. Yes, talking about it is very therapeutic. It’s important to do, but you have to be doing it in an authentic way. When I was going to therapy, I was telling him part truths, but I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Unless you’re telling your whole truth, there might be some benefit gain, but it’s a band aid. It’s not embracing your truth.”

In imagining the next relationship you have, knowing that the second phase of your relationship is pushing away as things get more intimate and love comes into the picture, what skills do you hope you’ll acquire and learn to not do that again, to not push it away?

“I don’t know if there is a skill that I can acquire because it’s more of a feeling, and it’s communication, just making the person aware, “hey, this is likely going to happen, this is my past, and this is my story” and asking for patience. I think when the right person comes along, patience will be there. I don’t think that that will ever change because that’s a part of who I am, and that’s a part of the process of me falling in love. That’s my story, and I think me embracing that and owning that, when the right person comes along, it will work.”

Have you been able to communicate that with past lovers?

“I have and, each relationship I’m in, there’s progress. All one can do is communicate.”

I think communication and patience is essential, and no judgment.

“That’s the type of person you want to be with anyway.”

True.

“This whole chapter of my life is kind of like a guiding light. It’s kind of guided me to where I’m at. I wouldn’t be sitting here had it not happened. You kind of have to take your tragedies and turn them into a guiding light that leads you on your journey.”

Would that be your advice to somebody who was listening to or reading this that is struggling with accepting who they are and where they’ve been?

“Yeah, open the door, introduce your demon, and have a conversation with it. Introduce your demons to everyone because they might have similar ones and there’s nothing that’s happened to any human being that they should be ashamed of ever because that’s just a part of who they are. If you’re ashamed of that, you can’t love yourself. You might partially love yourself, but you’re not going to fully love yourself.”

Shame is similar to cancer. It doesn’t stay where it starts, it spreads into other areas and relationships.

“It festers.”

What do you think is the antidote to shame?

“Several come to mind … love, transparency, acceptance. I think light, finding your inner light, and letting it shine has the ability to wash away any shame that you have.”

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, song lyric, or piece of advice that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“Yeah. There’s a Riba song, ‘One Promise Too Late.’ I’ve been listening to this song since I was a child, but didn’t realize it until after I came out and started going through the problems in my relationships with intimacy this line she was singing in this song and I was singing to myself: Where were you when I could have loved you? Where were you when I gave my heart away? All my life I’ve been dreaming of you, but you came along one promise to late. That’s the progression in my relationships. When I finally get to that point where I’m loving myself and accepting and embracing the intimacy, it’s usually too late. It’s amazing how a song and the meaning of a song can change depending on where you are in your life.”

Absolutely. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me today?

“It feels amazing. I think every time I share this, it’s like I’m shedding skin of the past and I become lighter. It makes me realize that I’m okay, I’m moving in the right direction, and I’m not moving backwards. I’m building my life based on my truth, and that to me is the most empowering thing to do. It doesn’t matter what your life looks like, you’re living your truth and, whatever you build around it, is okay.”

Do you think it’s possible that sharing your story with me today could potentially inspire or give hope to somebody that’s listening or reading this?

“I’d like to hope that it will. I think that it can only do good, that’s the intention that I set, and hope that it does. When I listen to other people’s stories, heartaches, and hardships, I know that I find inspiration and comfort. So, yeah, I hope this does the same.”

Thank you.

[dippedanddripped]

On June 4, the Council of Fashion Designers of America released a statement along with action steps the organization would take to address racism, promote inclusivity, and create opportunities for Black talent in the fashion industry. Among the initiatives are an “in-house employment program specifically charged with placing Black talent in the fashion industry,” mentorship and internship programs pairing Black students and graduates with established companies, and a diversity and inclusion training program it would implement and make available to its members.

According to Pyer Moss founder Kerby Jean-Raymond, the CFDA still isn’t doing enough. As one of the most prominent Black members of the council, the designer isn’t afraid to speak truth to power, or use his platform to amplify the interests of the Black community. He attended the June 2 meeting where the CFDA wanted to discuss the ongoing Black Lives Matter protests and the systemic racism that has long been prevalent in the fashion industry.

He says he worked with other members of the CFDA — like Virgil Abloh, designer Prabal Gurung, and Public School’s Dao-Yi Chow — to craft a list of reasonable, actionable demands that CFDA members and its associated companies could be held accountable for. The points they outlined are as follows:

1. We’re calling on all U.S. retailers to train and instruct their employees to not make frivolous 911 calls for non-violent infractions.

2. We’re calling on all companies to not hire off-duty police officers in their retail locations.

3. We’re requiring that all CFDA affiliated companies commit to having 15% of their senior leadership staff be Black, the representation of what we are in the population.

4. We’re no longer accepting brands into the CFDA that do not meet these bare minimum standards of diversity.

5. We’re calling on all US retailers to commit 15% of their shelf space to Black-owned brands.

6. We will create a placement division with the CFDA that pairs Black talent with companies looking to hire.

7. We will be creating a program that pairs Black talent with established Black talent in the fashion industry.

Instead, the CFDA chose to ignore these requests, and released what Jean-Raymond calls a “fucking watered-down, bubblegum-ass statement that didn’t address the issues.”

In addition to creating more opportunities for Black talent, these requests specifically diminish the involvement between the fashion and retail industries with the police. The abolishment of the police force is Jean-Raymond’s most urgent objective of the moment, and talking about how to do it is the only reason he even agreed to this interview.

The outline for what a world without police looks like already exists, as multiple examples on social media have shown us. Reallocating inflated police budgets to youth programs, education, and healthcare would do more to diminish crime and create self-sustaining communities more akin to the suburbs, according to Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

“Affluent white communities already live in a world where they choose to fund youth, health, housing etc more than they fund police,” Ocasio-Cortez explained in an Instagram Story. “White communities bend over backwards to find alternatives to incarceration for their loved ones to ‘protect their future,’ like community service or rehab or restorative measures. Why don’t we treat Black and Brown people the same way?”

It’s a sentiment that is quickly turning into action. Cities like Los Angeles and New York have vowed to cut police budgets and reallocate those funds. The Minneapolis City Council voted to dismantle its police force. Reform laws named for Eric Garner and Breonna Taylor, two Black lives lost to police brutality, have recently been passed. But Jean-Raymond knows that there’s still a long march ahead towards police abolishment, and he’s going to do everything he can to make sure no one loses sight of the goal posts.

All over the country we’re seeing states actively taking steps to dismantle police departments or reallocating budgets away from them. Broadly speaking, how do we even start working towards abolishing the police?

It’s a multi-step process, and it requires all hands on deck for it to happen quickly. There are the immediate, short-term solutions that you see with #8CantWait and Campaign Zero’s harm reduction programs that have been around forever, but it’s really a smart approach to a bigger problem.

Semantics and words matter. Seeing catchy phrases and things like that do work. We live in a meme society, and the revolution will be memed — I think it’s important for us to have a deep dive into all of these pieces that lead to the bigger solution, which is community policing, community safety, demilitarization of the police, abolishing the police,  and all of the things we can agree society needs right now.

That’s definitely something we’re seeing in how information is being spread and the Black history narratives going viral on social media.

All of these different facts are coming to light in bite-sized, tangible bits. You’re getting it in memes and people are reposting at a rate that’s dangerously fast. We’re getting a lot of historical information thrown at us that the public may have ignored before.

And I think our collective consciousness is understanding that police are trained like a cult. We just saw that in Buffalo with the older gentleman who was pushed down — 57 officers essentially turned in their resignation because they wanted to protect [their fellow cops].

This “blue wall of silence” is a proper cult. Just like MAGA is a cult, just like Kabbalah is a cult, and just like Jim Jones had a cult. One of the things that we have to look at — and why we have to disband our current police and create completely new community-serving public safety measures — is because these people are not trained to do what they were supposed to do in the first place. Something went wrong. They’re not serving their communities, they’re not living amongst the people, they’re only serving each other. Why would you become a cop just so you could protect other cops?

““These people are not trained to do what they were supposed to do. Something went wrong. They’re not serving their communities, they’re only serving each other. Why would you become a cop just so you could protect other cops?””

It’s clear that reform isn’t enough. Campaigns for police reform like #8CantWait have their fair share of criticism, but we’ve also seen laws passed in honor of Eric Garner and Breonna Taylor that ban chokeholds and no-knock warrants.

With #8CantWait specifically, their approach is to deal with the things that we can immediately address overnight. Mayors can put these things into effect. Banning chokeholds doesn’t mean that the violence is going to stop — I don’t think anybody believes that means the violence is going to stop — but with chokeholds clearly banned, it makes it a lot harder for the [police] unions and their legal defense to justify those actions. It’s an effective thing that can reduce harm to individuals almost immediately.

The common denominator is that people in power usually agree that these killings are wrong and egregious, but what we don’t talk about enough is how powerful these police unions are and these pre-negotiated collective bargaining agreements that keep police officers from facing accountability.

So ultimately, defunding the police is about taking power away from those unions?

Defunding the police is the ultimate goal, but we also have to remember that politicians and people in power have been trying to fight these police unions and these corrupt police departments all around the country forever. So it’s super important to give credit to these organizations, like Campaign Zero and the Know Your Rights campaign, who are using tactical approaches and playing chess with the system.

At the same time, we have to give credit to the people on the street who are making noise and doing whatever the fuck they need to do to get attention. We all know that America respects money, and if they fuck with somebody’s pocket, they’re going to pay attention. We need universal pressure being put on corporations and businesses that support police.

How do we keep putting that pressure on?

One of the things that we can implement specifically in fashion and retail is to no longer call the police for non-violent offenses. [George Floyd] shouldn’t have had the police called on him for a $20 counterfeit bill in the first place, especially when we know what police have done to Black men and women historically.

Speaking of accountability, you also took the CFDA to task for ignoring the list of demands you helped put together and instead issuing a statement you found totally inadequate. In many ways, these institutions continue to fail the Black community.

It’s fucking lip service to the movement, and it’s bullshit. Honestly, this is probably one of the biggest slaps in the face that I’ve ever gotten, and me and Virgil [Abloh] are going back and forth on this thing like, “What the fuck do we do?”

As far as the way that they conducted themselves and chose to omit specific language that can make Black people feel advocated for? A governing body like the CFDA holds so much prestige within the fashion space, and for them not to advocate in the proper way leads Black people to believe that there’s not going to be any help when we get here — or if we can ever get there at all.

““This is divine intervention. We got a pandemic, no distractions. We never had a movement free of distractions the way that we do now. Now all you can do is pick a side — and if you don’t pick a side, that means you picked a side.””

Not for nothing, the CFDA also has Black people in positions of power, however oftentimes these roles can be marginalized in their organizational influence.

I’m not going to speak too much on it, but what I will say is in my experience with working within these industries, the few people of color who are there are very scared to speak out, because they’re usually retaliated against in micro-aggressive ways. And I don’t blame them for not being able to speak out.

I have a privilege because I have rights to my own company, I don’t really answer to anybody — I’ve never had to — but for a lot of people, this is a new thing. Getting by and getting up is a means of survival for a lot of Black people, so I can’t fault them for showing up in spaces and not feeling like they can be their complete selves when the removal of all of their progress can be done in a swift instant.

One of the very first things you posted when the worldwide protests were gaining steam was “

Don’t get tired

.” We’re all trying to maintain this energy and sentiment as long as we can — why do you think it’s been so sustained?

The revolution needs to take naps. We went back to school, we went back to work, and if you were very outspoken about Black shit at home and how we were being mistreated by the system, then the next day, you had to take the LIRR and go into your racist, micro-aggressive office and deal with people — you got tired.

Now, this is divine intervention. We got a pandemic, no sports, no distractions, no new movies coming out, no concerts — nothing. The world has to focus on the same Black shit we’ve been trying to get done for the past several years. We never had this before. Not in the Civil Rights era, nowhere. We never had a movement free of distractions the way that we do. Now all you can do is pick a side — and if you don’t pick a side, that means you picked a side.

Jenna Wortham described this extraordinary moment as

“a glorious poetic rage.”

How does this feel different to you than what was going on in Ferguson six years ago?

We’re at a turning point in history where it’s like: Where do you want to be in this chapter? Where do you want to tell your grandkids you stood? And who do you really think is going to win? I’d bet on the winning team, if I was you.

Here’s the thing: If evil prevails, there will be no history books. In order for there to even be a history book where we’re talking about 2020, good has to win over evil before 2050. We have to accept it as a moral issue. I don’t want to liken this to other genocides and other tragedies that have happened in the course of global history, but a lot of us would feel like if we could go back and undo certain parts of human history, we would. We’re at one of those points right now. We can collectively make the change we need to make: completely dismantle the current policing system.

Only 5 percent of 911 calls are for violent crime, so why does an officer need to show up at your house with a gun? Why do you need to pull me over for a speeding ticket with a gun drawn? Why do you need to come investigate a missing child with a gun drawn? The same way you can gauge whether to send a firetruck or an ambulance, you can gauge whether to send somebody with a loaded gun or somebody with a pen and a pad.

This is a fight you’ve been engaging in through Pyer Moss for nearly a decade now, even back in 2015 with the “They Have Names” T-shirt. How do you stay so consistent and mission-driven?

Right now, I’m only lending you my likeness so that you can bring attention to defunding the police. That’s the trade-off. This is not a self-serving mission; this is something that needs to change in my lifetime. I’m terrified of bringing children into this world.

My nephew is 15 years old, and I started this fight when he was in the nut sac. He likes Odell Beckham a lot, so he dyed the top of his hair blonde, and now he has braids at the top. He likes NLE Choppa and he’s putting me onto all these young rappers that I didn’t even know existed, TikTok challenges, and things like that.

He’s stepping into adolescence, but to some random, trigger-happy cop who’s never lived in his neighborhood in Mount Vernon, who’s on their third week of the job, that little boy becomes a grown-ass threat. That story is not unique to all these mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and grandmothers who are genuinely terrified for themselves and for everyone else just trying to conduct their normal, everyday lives. This shit is scary, and it has to stop. Anything else is not worth talking about.

““We’re in a turning point in history where it’s like: Where do you want to be in this chapter? We can collectively make the change.””

Between brands, stores, and publications, there’s certainly a renewed desire to leverage the equity of the Black community as a way to show support. But as you’ve

called out on Twitter

, there’s an egregious amount of virtue signaling and performative allyship.

I’ve remarked on it [happening] with clothing stores specifically, the ones who are now touting all these Black brands that they’ve never carried or even gone to see themselves. Magazines I’ve never even heard of are putting me in these round-ups, and it’s so disrespectful because they’re not even categorized; it’s just “Black designers.”

It’s detrimental to those who have put in the work to differentiate themselves and carve their own lanes. People who are doing really unique, gender-defying and poetic work like Telfar are being put in the same breath as a single-product DTC, venture-backed company. They’re not giving them any differentiation — just grouping them all together because they’re Black.

If they wanted to have a little bit more respect, they should admit they never supported us, and follow that up with why they’re going to start, and why you should, too. They should educate people about what we do instead of just putting us on these erroneous fucking lists. You can guilt people into buying things because we’re Black, but that can harm our businesses, because once these people feel like this “trend” is over, then they have a pass to forget about us.

[atheistforhumanity]

An Example of How Bill O’Reilly Ruined A Generation With Mass Manipulation

Now, you might be thinking, “who the fuck is Bill O’Reilly, and why do I care?” That’s a valid question. Lovable Bill, is the predecessor of Tucker Carlson. He was the shining star of Fox News for most of my life, and he captures the hearts of minds of my parents generation with low brow commentary, manipulative opinions, and dog whistle racism. Bill pretended to be a regular class working Joe that spoke up for the little guy. Tucker Carlson outed his gimmick years ago before he would take Bill’s place, and take on the same fake persona.

So, how did Bill O’Reilly ruin a generation? It’s pretty simple really. Bill O’Reilly was born into the upper class and eventually took a place as an opinion show host pretending to be news, that spouted populist rhetoric in a way that always redirected opinions and anger away from the real perpetrators. Bill is literally one the most dishonest people to ever be on mainstream media, and for over a decade he delivered alternative facts to fox viewers, down played anything anti-capatalist, anti-conservative, and anti-racist. His motto has always been “no spin,” but I’ve never seen him present the whole truth in an accurate way my whole life. Bill is a more well spoken Donald Trump, who uses people’s prejudices, preconceptions, and complete unwillingness to research anything to manipulate people’s minds for a capitalist agenda.

But how does he do this, Ryan? I wish you would be more specific instead of making accusations. Well, it happens that I just came across a band new article written on Bill’s blog, where he tries to continue the glory of yesteryear before he was fired for sexually harassing several women in the work place.

If you take two minutes to read the article linked above, you’ll see that Bill is arguing that bad parenting is the real cause of income inequality. His argument is quite literally, people aren’t raised right and that’s why they can’t succeed financially. He says specifically that it’s not capitalism's fault.

Before I address specifics, let me point out what is generally manipulative about this argument. Bill has touched on a topic that literally any generation of conservatives can get fired up about, and will have built in bias to agree with. Remember, conservatism is literally resistance to change and an affinity for tradition. This also means that every generation bitches and complains about how the next generation raises kids. Remember when your parents told you that you would go to hell for watching Elvis shake his hips? Remember when there were no changing tables in men’s bathrooms? Remember when kids in school used to play “beat the fag” and then they cried victim when we said that was wrong? Yea...

The point is that he’s using a prevalent belief that many different people(but mostly conservatives) can tap into for different (mostly) unspecified reasons. Then he is attributing that common cultural division as responsible for income inequality. We’ll come back to that.

Second, is that Bill makes a point that on some level makes sense, but doesn’t support his larger claim. Are there a lot of bad parents out there? Sure. Do they have a negative effect on the child’s life as he suggests? Of course. Now we could argue all day about what makes a bad parent exactly or the prevalence of bad parents, but it’s irrelevant, because Bill hasn’t given us any solid reason to accept that this alone (or at all) is the cause of income inequality! It’s an outrageously dishonest argument. That doesn’t matter though, because this is how Bill’s followers respond...

Okay, I was going to screen shot some positive responses to Bill tweeting this article but I didn’t see any. Let’s just move on.

Now, let’s take a look at the substance of Bill’s piece.

Education: “If a young child is not exposed to learning by age two, that innocent, helpless person is already at risk in a competitive society.  If there are no books in the home, no awareness-building games, no fun dialogue with the parents, the child may not develop a curiosity about life.”

That’s interesting, Bill, because public education and programs like Pre-K are socialist inspired initiatives supplied by the government for the benefit of everyone. Head start programs were first installed by LBJ, but the Black Panthers had actually initiated similar programs in inner cities to feed children breakfast before school.

To say that capitalism has no role in this issue is delusional. Capitalism accepts and even encourages inequality. Betsy Devos is the champion of capitalist education, where attendance is not guaranteed and any difficult or low performing students can be weeded out to create the appearance of success, under no public oversight.

The fight is always the same, liberals want to increase educational funding and conservatives don’t. This is why red states have teacher strikes all over the country and Republicans are fighting against publicly funded college.

If access to education from an early age is so important then we cannot withhold education and then blame those stuck in the cycle of poverty for their own inequity.

Environment/Work Ethic:

Here’s an old and tired argument from the right. People are poor because they don’t work hard enough. But, Bill, how could that be? The average unemployment rate in America is between 3-4%, and the worst is in Alaska with 6.4%. Clearly most Americans are working, you’re always bragging about how great this economy is. Republicans tell people who need assistance to get jobs, but surprise they already have them! We know people aren’t struggling to live because they’re not working, because we have clear numbers that show people are working full-time, but not earning enough to pay basic bills. It’s crazy, it’s almost like the cost of living just keep rising, but the amount people get paid doesn’t. All of this is happening despite the fact that corporate profits have soared, but it never translates into better wages. 

While Bill drones on in his article about derelict parents, he never once actually looks at income. He sure doesn’t mention that the amount people are paid is literally up to the people at the top of the economic latter. They can choose to pay workers more or they can stash away more profit in their bank accounts. Guess which one they choose? Despite the fact that we have clear data that shows those who choose how much to pay workers are raising their own profits, the rich like Bill O’Reilly continually berate people as lazy. The entire argument is completely disingenuous because workers are at the mercy of employers.

And if you’re thinking, why doesn’t everyone just get a better job, you’re not thinking that statement through. The Bureau of Labor Statistics tracks how many jobs in the market pay minimum wage or less, and that’s roughly 2.3%.(Nearly 2 million people) You think, great, people can just get a better job. No, not really, because a large number of jobs pay just above the minimum wage and are not included in this figure. Even most retail jobs pay $1 above minimum at least. Pew Research wondered this too, and in 2004 they found that roughly 30% of all hourly workers were making more than minimum wage (7.25 at the time) and less than $10. Guess what, nearly 59% of the entire US workforce are hourly workers, and a third of them are were making $10 or less. I make 13$ an hour, live with a roommate, and am just able to live with no savings in 2019. If I had a wife making the same amount, we would drowned trying to raise even two kids. That’s a travesty.

Roughly 35% of all jobs require a college degree, which is a significant debt due to increases in education and cost of living. Education is very important, but unfortunately most people who are born poor, historically, don’t get to go to college. What does capitalism say about this? Well, again, in a free market system there is no mechanism to correct the disadvantage people are born into, and generally no desire among conservatives to do so. Conservatism is stuck in the past where the poor and uneducated make perfect laborers, but labor as a staple job market is dead in the 21st century. Hence the push toward service jobs, which is all an uneducated person do.

The numbers tell the real story. People are working, but not being paid enough. The people controlling the pay are increasing their own pay. Cost of living is rising faster than worker pay. Funding for education has been stagnant and the cost of higher education rising. All this and I haven’t even gotten into the politics that effect this issue.

How did Bill O’Reilly destroy a generation? By feeding them ignorant, pandering garbage like this article every night for years. By completely ignoring the real facts of any issue and directing your attention to a manipulative hot button, tailored to the bias of conservatives.

The sad thing is that Bill is completely representative of everyone championed by the right wing. They are unintelligent, malicious, racist, greedy, and completely dishonest.

[caelcs]

felicity helena burgess is the twenty year old sophomore in professor ellison’s classics course. they are a capricorn, which is probably what makes them so creative and diligent. every time i see them, i can’t help but think of loose fitted turtle necks, the smell of your grandmother’s coco chanel, the sound of turning pages, no makeup but red lipstick, running barefoot in a graveyard past midnight, the smell of fresh coffee in the early morning, golden glitter stuck to your skin. 

FULL NAME : felicity helena burgess

NICKNAME : effy/effie, flick (to family members only)

BIRTHDAY : january 9 1999

ZODIAC : capricorn sun, scorpio moon, capricorn rising 

NATIONALITY : american

RELIGION : roman catholic 

SEXUAL & ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : bisexual , biromantic

HOMETOWN : fairfield, connecticut & new york, new york

FAMILY : 

father: laurent (laurence) burgess 

mother: jacqueline black

full siblings: ambrose burgess, 28 & brother, 21-22 (wanted connection!)

half sibling: emile burgess, 42, from father’s first marriage

step sibling: step sister , 18-22, from father’s current marriage (wanted connection!)

ACCENT : posh, new england

LANGUAGES SPOKEN : english (germanic), french (romance), german (germanic), russian (slavic), mandarin (indic, eastern zone), greek (hellenic / literate, not fluent), arabic (indic / literate , not fluent)

MAJOR : english literature 

MINOR(S) : french and romance philology & greek

HOBBIES : reading, horseback riding, tennis, tarot card readings, collecting vinyl

AESTHETICS : loose fitted turtle necks, the smell of your grandmother’s coco chanel, the sound of turning pages, no makeup but red lipstick, running barefoot in a graveyard past midnight, the smell of fresh coffee in the early morning, golden glitter stuck to your skin + PINTEREST

CHARACTER PARALLELS :  camilla macaulay (the secret history), siobhan roy (succession), kitsey barbour (the goldfinch), amma crellin (sharp objects), alice charles (the politician)

FAMILY PARALLELS : roy family (succession) belfort family (wolf of wall street),  horowitz family (clueless), 

BACKGROUND & FAMILY DYNAMICS 

if you grew up in north america, you have probably heard of the burgess family. hell, even if you didn’t grow up in america, you have probably heard of the burgess family. 

though they pride themselves on “small town family values” and “keeping the business in the family,” the burgess family has no intention of actually relating to small town america, to trusted catholic traditions, to family run businesses. 

true, the leaders of the multibillion dollar media conglomerate known as VVIO are all close friends of the family, if not actually family members, but that’s about where the similarities between the burgesses and middle class america end. 

Vvio is one of the largest media conglomerates in north america. think similar to cbs/viacom, they have news, movies, television, late night shows, streaming platforms ! whew.. 

their father, laurent burgess, known better as laurence in an attempt to americanize himself after emigrating from france in the 1960′s, is the ceo and mastermind behind Vvio. coming from a poor family from the outskirts of paris, laurence moved to america’s real capital — new york city, not dc — with big dreams and even bigger ambitions. 

in the grand scheme of things, Vvio grew into the multibillion dollar corporation that it is today rather quickly. by the time laurence was in his early 30′s, he was a millionaire. at that point, he was married to a woman he’d known in france, his “first love,” who he’d flown out from their small town to be with him in new york at the first signs of success. 

he was a multi millionaire, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a serial cheater. he fell in love with a young french model in the 80′s, and is having an affair for an entire year before his wife finds out. though they try to reconcile, they ultimately end up getting a divorce, and he marries the french model not even a year later. 

that french model was jacqueline black, felicity’s mother. they would be married for nineteen years before ultimately getting a divorce, which both can be blamed for, but it was mostly laurence and his inability to stay faithful or sober

the burgesses grew up in fairfield, ct. each of the siblings attended private school in the city, a near two hour commute each way for the best education possible. 

THE SIBLINGS: growing up, everyone was constantly fighting for the attention of their father. the eldest son, ambrose was “the fuck up,” but he’s a rich fuck up, so did it really matter? very george bush-esque — always drunk, doing coke, fucking prostitutes, but did he still get into harvard with no merits because of his last name? you bet. emile was their father’s pride and joy. which wasn’t necessarily a good thing, when all his siblings had daggers in their eyes thinking that he was just as much a fuck up as ambrose. it was true, fortune favors the fuck ups. felicity’s other older brother (wc!!) would be the obvious choice to take over. sure, he can be wild, reckless, and impulsive — but he’s intelligent, fiercely competitive, and a people person through and through. everybody loves him. except for their father, who seems not to notice all the areas in which he excels. felicity is “daddy’s little girl” which was nice as a kid, she was favored and loved and one of the few children in which he shows affection toward — but it quickly grew old as she grew up. intelligent and well rounded, never one to drunkenly throw herself off a bridge like her, or snort so much cocaine they can’t move their legs, or get in a car accident that needs covering up like her brothers. but no matter what, she was the little girl. kept away from the business and the politics, a fragile mind like hers couldn’t “handle it.” she spends so much time trying to prove herself again and again to her father, that she was just as intelligent and capable as her brothers, only to churn out the same goddamn result. her relationship with her step sister (wc!!) isn’t a great one, seeing as they are the same age, and have been in competition with one another since they became sisters at thirteen. but she has it lucky — she will never feel the need to fight for laurence’s attention.

PERSONALITY 

when felicity was three years old she wondered into the section of the house her father forbade the kids from going. included in that section was his library — an enormous room with high ceilings, covered ceiling to floor with bookshelves, lined with all sorts of books from academic papers to novels, first edition to signed copies, etc. she fell in love, and when her father found her in there, he decided to let her explore, expand her horizons instead of punishing her for breaking the rules (which probably would have happened had it been one of her brothers, rather than her)

it was the start of her love for all things language arts & literature. her father saw it early on, deciding to hone in on the skill, he allowed and encouraged her to pick one book from his library each week. while the jacqueline spoke to all their kids in french, laurence also decided it was best to hire tutors for felicity, who clearly had a knack for languages, and encouraged her to learn some of the world’s most important languages, as well as choose ones that she would like to learn based on interest alone (like greek, for example)

felicity is an academic through and through. not only does it come naturally to her, but she enjoys learning. unlike her brothers, going out and getting fucked up all weekend isn’t her idea of fun. she’s much more straight edge — enjoys sophisticated dinner parties with a glass of wine. if she’s hanging out with “the boys,” she’ll have a glass of scotch. she never drinks in excess, always seems very collected and poised, and is the first to call out her siblings for acting idiotically. not that they care, there never seems to be any repercussions in the burgess family, not legally at least — though their father’s disappointment tends to be one of the worst consequences imaginable. 

picking a weekly book from her father’s library continued until she moved to attend leopold university at eighteen. when she was thirteen, she came across a book on astrology, and was completely enamored by it. of course, she’d learned about zodiacs before, but never in depth, and it became a new project for her, learning everything about the signs and birth charts, planets and placements. by fourteen she was discovering her entire family’s birth charts, seeing how they each fit in and played a part. with one another. this eventually lead to other spiritual activities, such as tarot cards, which is now one of her biggest passions. she has a collection of different decks, but her favorite remains as the deck she’d bought for herself at seventeen, from a vintage, spiritual and healing store in the east village of new york. 

emile was the first of the burgess siblings to be accepted to leopold and handpicked by professor ellison, so that when felicity and the others decided to attend, he’d already had the burgesses on his radar. one of the most powerful families in north america, and even the world, it was no wonder that ellison had taken an interest in them. since joining the classics course last year, felicity has formed quite a special bond with their professor. her knack and knowledge of multiple languages has piqued his interest, and they often sit together in his office and discuss works of different origins and translations and compare the literatures together. professor ellison has been helping her in her quest to learn greek and also arabic, which so far she has almost mastered reading, but still needs to work on speaking. 

kind of has major daddy issues, thanks to spending her whole life competing for her father’s validation, which is where her strive for professor ellison’s validation comes from. she really seeks for his approval and favoritism, because it’s his validation that soothes the open wound that her father could never seem to fill with his empty promises and lack of approval 

RANDOM HCS/TIDBITS

has a big, fat orange cat named henri

drinks 3-4 cups of coffee every day, along with 2-3 cups of tea

has never received a grade lower than 97% 

wears a lot of gold jewelry, especially gold rings

wants to be a novelist, and yet hasn’t even started working on her first novel. does have a few published short stories and poems, though. 

has an entire drawer in her apartment full of crystals for different days, moods, seasons, health issues, etc. 

parisian girl at heart, spent many summer and winter vacations in paris and it’s her favorite place in the entire world. yes, she romanticizes the fuck out of it

that being said, she romanticizes the fuck out of everything and everyone. perhaps it has something to do with being a writer and a poet. you’re always sad and in love with something.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

siblings! she has an older brother (21-22) and a step sister (18-22) that would work for this group! if you’d be interested in being a part of the burgess fam (the step sister would obviously have a different last name) then hmu 

cousins!!! this family is VERY family-centric, the whole company they own is family-centric, so even if they’re not actually close, they’re close. if that makes sense. this could be a cousin from his first marriage or second marriage (if through the mother’s side), or a cousin from the dad’s side in which case might cause some ~drama~ because felicity’s dad definitely slighted his siblings and doesn’t really talk to any of them (which would be that muse’s parents)

best friend: felicity spent most her life surrounded by boys (she’s the only daughter, minus her newer step sister), and has always found it easier to get along with them. so, mostly, she’s friends with boys, but i imagine her BEST best friend, the one she shares all her secrets with and really lets in, is a girl. 

close circle: effie is a capricorn which means she doesn’t let just anyone in. she’s never really liked the idea of having a lot of friends. a few, very close friends has always been the smarter decision in her mind. that way you don’t lose track of who you should and shouldn’t trust. and if someone misplaces your trust, you know exactly who to cut off. where their loyalties lie. anyway, like i said, she tends to mostly be friends with boys, just because it’s what she’s used to, and finds herself being fiercely competitive with most other girls, so this would be mostly made up of guys! with maybe an exception. 

roommate: could possibly be looped in with best friend / close circle, but i imagine they have a quaint, historical, and beautiful two bedroom apartment off campus. 

rival: if i get her step sister wc, that would be this, but if not, just someone in which a rivalry has sparked up since they both joined the classics course. perhaps they are both striving to be the professor’s favorite or something IDK

toxic, on-and-off rs: this could be m/f/nb since effie is biromantic/bisexual, but basically the two are just not right for each other. it’s equally toxic on both ends. on felicity’s end, she tends to be controlling and jealous, and very much a know-it-all that can often be hard to deal with. probably an rs that won’t last anyway because they truly are not meant to be but also it’s nice to see where the chemistry goes anyway lmao

bad influence: effie is v straight edge so someone get her dunk !!! she tends to pass  on most parties unless it’s like #dinnerparty so like i need a connection that drags her ass out to everything she says no to 

[autismgavemychildvaccines]

Economic downturn, racism and war.

So, normally I’d be in some sort of non-sober state while writing this, and be full of my typical rash wit. But not today. Today I want to talk about what I (and many others) are seeing down the tube.  First, let’s go over the quick run of what’s going on. 1, we’re having concentration camps of both migrants as well as asylum seekers. This is inherently inhumane and a violation of various multiparty agreements that were made post world war 2 to not cock things up like Germany did with the Jews, or more locally relevant, what we did to fuck over the Japanese in the same period.  2, We’re in a trade war with China, who is itself trying to do a hostile takeover of Hong Kong (and don’t kid yourself for a moment, that’s exactly what the fuck that is), which happens to be the 3rd most important economic center in the world by most accounts.  3, Russia is fucking around with our politicians and buying them off to make for easier voter suppression and just bloody hacking the electronic voting machines, which oh by the way, an adequately caffeinated high-school nerd could probably do.  4, And finally, despite not technically being “in a war”, we’re not at peace, either. Hell, we haven’t been for as long as I can remember. Like many people on this website, one of my first memories was 9/11 and the subsequent wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. I vividly remember the latter, as we sat in our living room watching the bombs drop and my mother in hushed tones said “Well.. This is it.” and my stepfather, an Army Ranger at the time, looked tired and said matter of factly “we’ll not be rid of this until you’re a grown man, and even then..”. And he was right.  Now, all of these things seem somewhat not related. Well, I guess I should say the 1st doesn’t exactly line up with the 2nd and 3rd, which have some geopolitical relevance to each other. But let’s take a history trip together, shall we? First, be sure to bring the hairspray, because we’re going into the Reagan-era and just before for a bit.  Imagine if you will the supposed dying throes of the Cold War. Bioweapons program supposedly being shut down, the Soviet Union splitting away, and the Americas? Well they’ve gone through hell, and by no small measure it was due to proxy wars, puppet governments and a complete disregard for “other” people for the sake of borders and protection. Panama, Nicaragua, Guatemala and other countries are having civil wars funded by both sides of that iron curtain, causing institutionalized violence, setting the development of these countries back fucking decades, and setting them up to fail.  [Note that when I say “setting the development back”, I do not mean they are in any way lesser to us due to this. In fact, in my wheelhouse of Public Health, they arguably do a better job of handling shit than we could dream of in the US. They’re damn fine people, and in some ways thriving, but to say we didn’t fuck with them would be a disservice. ] Part of this “setting up to fail” strategy was the use of drugs as a means of easy funding, which the U.S. government did wholly support to the point of screwing African Americans (and to a much lesser extent, poor people in general) in particular over by introducing things like Cocaine and Crack to poor neighborhoods (though it should be noted such drugs had been in the realm of public notice for the better part of a century before, just not as accessible).  Funny thing about using drugs to fuel wars. Wars can end. But the demand for drugs by a population that doesn’t have the ability to be treated due to some “moral outrage” against helping addicts? Well, that still remains a very profitable venue. So even after we stopped giving a fuck about any of these countries and their governments gave up the sale of illegal drugs, at least in the open, criminal elements showed up to do what they did best: manufacture and transport drugs to where the best demand was, the United States typically. And to protect this profitable enterprise, these groups would claim territory, claim children as recruits, commit other crimes to support the chain, etc. And these activities still go on today, wherein some cartels and gangs have gotten rich enough to effectively buy off governments and have their own fiefdoms, where those with any ability risk their lives to run. And yet, so many do. Also, it’s important to note that while countries like Mexico are arguably more stable than say, Honduras or El Salvador, they’re still pretty fucked from the radiation of these activities. So these families try to make it to the closest, arguably “most stable” country they can, ironically the one that set the stones for the foundation of where they found themselves. And they are treated as trash, as less than human, as animals. Because we refuse to see our own guilt. We refuse to see what we have done, not centuries ago, but less than 50 years ago. And who is egged on the most to hate these people? Well, if you look at it, it’s the least “most powerful” group that can easily be manipulated: Lower class white groups by a vast majority. Groups who themselves see hardships, certainly, but more than anything know two words: Fear and Authority. They are afraid of the “other”, the “jawb steelin’ immigunts”, the “criminals and rapists” as the person who inhabits the White House calls them. And they respect and adore those who can wield an iron first. Someone they can imagine being, whether it’s a business tycoon of a dictator they see as a near-messiah, who says it’s not their fault they are struggling, and then makes an easy, low effort “solution” for them to point to as to what could cure all those ills which are, at their root, legitimate.  [Note: This by no means excuses any White Supremacist or other racist ideologies. That shit needs to be fixed, and there is no excuse for that.] Let’s take a pause for a moment on that, as it’s significant. Is this the first time this has happened? Heavens no, in fact, many examples exist in history. But one stands out to me above all.  Go back with me again, if you’d be so kind. You feel the warmth of the sun on your face, you can hear the distant waves, and the not so distant hustle and bustle of a city. You smell a mix of salt water infused air with just a hint of smelted metal or gunpowder.  Perhaps you hear some music from The Andrew Sisters crackling out of a radio near an open window. You’re in San Francisco, not too long after the World’s Fair, where the hopes of Utopia were promptly shut off to be dismantled and loaded for the war effort of World War 2. In fact, as you look around, you see the strangest thing. There are clearly Japanese inspired markets and homes all around, but inhabiting them? No Japanese, surely, but the Shoe Shines and markets filled with a vibrant African American community. Some would one day call this the West Coast Harlem. And by their account, it was a wonderful community, of which I have no doubt. However.  Those who lived and worked and loved in these buildings just months prior were put into camps. In Utah, in Nevada, California, Washington. In fact, it pains me a bit to know one such place is but a very hearty stones throw from where I sit writing this. They were put there and made to stay due to risk of espionage, national security, or “for their own safety”. They were told to join the war effort as translators or soldiers, or remain there. The doctors of that community and the nurses too would end up working without pay, saving their own communities with limited supplies and truly working goddamned miracles in these camps to keep people alive, as politicians would brag “For every cent we spend on the Japanese, we spend a whole dollar on our boys out on the front!” That kind of shit sound familiar?  And that African American community? Well, while it was a positive thing for that demographic, certainly, and they had a valid right to be a community, that was by no means organic. The military spread out to places like Arkansas, Texas, Georgia, wherever there were large populations of blacks, whom the whites saw still as highly undesirables, and the military saw as cheap labour.  Well, the military found their people. And those people found cheap, effectively abandoned communities, and were able to live somewhat better than where they came from, all while building warships. However, just like with the previous example, this war wouldn’t last forever. But not just like that previous example, the demand for warships is rather... Specific, in both timing and transferable skills, shall we say? So, this cheap labour was made of a demographic that could be relatively easily discarded without them having enough of a voice to cause waves. And soon enough, the Japanese would return from their internment camps, and let’s just say things were... Tense, between these two groups. Two groups who were, by most accounts, politically undesirable, and if they were fucked, well who would care, right? If it caused generational issues, and exacerbated an economy that would make a good deal of trouble, as long as it’s not the demographic that matters... No worries. It’s not like they even really have good proof of who was really at fault, nor who profited from later real-estate scoop ups and other such economic trends. After all, they moved for the jobs, and the Japanese? Well that was a national security issue.... Don’t you love your country?  While this isn’t analogous to what we are seeing today, I hope you can notice the similar theme. Except this time, the demographic in question has to feel “empowered” in some way, and having who they want voted in anyways due to international meddling is more an afterthought to the “yay, we won!” mentality. And the expendables will have a bit more of a veiled attempt to undercut their work via a trade war with a nation who is admittedly, a scumbag (which we have collectively supported with corporate dollars for decades). This trade war will cause a lot of businesses, farms, and the like to close, making it easier for corporate groups to buy out the competition and profit all the more for it (despite some initial risk due to economic trends). All the while, a different, remarkably innocent group is being blamed and tortured for their “crimes”.   It would not surprise me if in the next 2 years, we will see a recession that will make 2008 look pretty alright. And make no mistake, it will not be due to the president at that time. The gears of the machine have been turned now and in the last year and a half. Likewise, we may well see a war. With who? I do not know. But I most certainly know who will profit from it. And who will die from it, and who will be dehumanized further to be the scapegoat.  We’re in incredibly dangerous times, and we need to be aware of why, if we have any hope of surviving. 

[wtf-hollywood]

My first post is a repost. Deal with it.

I wrote this months ago after seeing The Mummy. It was on my main, and I recently have been thinking about other movie rewrites and shit, so, hey, yet another blog.

Lets start with the mummy movie. The antagonist is fucking strong, but the protagonists are lame.

So we’re going to do better. We start by getting a restraining order against Tom Cruise, and a costumer who can do “Sexy, but empowering” for our Egyptian Princess. Then we strike out all references to Set, and instead use Apep, who is basically the evil god of ancient Egypt that these movies keep wanting. We spill some exposition in the mummification scene about how mummification was the ideal method of burial in ancient Egypt, and Ahmanet’s deal was specifically not mummification, but ritual execution and imprisonment, possibly handwaving historical inaccuracy in the law and order part by making it explicit that this whole “bound alive in bandages, put in a sealed sarcophagus, and submerged in mercury” thing was him basically taking his best guess at how to make it as hard as possible for her to come back.

Next, we make our protagonist an awesome archaeologist who isn’t a cis male. Like, maybe we go Lara Croft, but less “tomb raider” and more “properly trained archaeologist who does things by the book but cannot fucking wait to learn shit.” So she finds this site in Egypt, or we can keep the “why the hell is there Egyptian stuff all the fucking way out here!?” thing, whatever, but she finds the site and says “Ho-ly shit, this is a big fuck all prison for someone they didn’t want getting up. I cannot wait to crack it open and see who was such a big bad!” And we get a very speedy montage of her doing basic archaeology, then cut to her cracking open the sarcophagus with a notebook full of drawings and notes about the site next to her.

And I mean, otherwise, we can follow the majority of the 2017 movie outline. We just don’t bring in Prodigium, and we have better characters. And we have actors for any Egyptian characters that are at least vaguely ethnically correct.

Side benefit- we can have some seriously empowering ho yay between the archaeologist protag and the Egyptian princess. Maybe Ahmanet can take a living disguise for a limited time and uses that to try to get close to Archaeologist Chick and we get some very sweet GALS BEING PALS scenes before its revealed that this awesome person is actually the Egyptian princess who wants to unleash Apep on Earth. But would also really like to do that with said Archaeologist chick by her side.

Oh, and we finish up with Prodigium coming in during a mid-credits scene, because lets not fucking pretend we’re not trying to pull a Marvel deal. We could use Dorian Gray instead of Dr. Jekyll, too, because getting some canon bi representation on screen would be kinda cool. So, end of the Mummy, Ahmanet is dealt with, definitely sealed back up and not killed, because we’re establishing an antagonist-based franchise, here, and Archaeology Chick is aware of, but not part of, Prodigium.

Alternatively, we could kick the “Ambition is Evil” trope to the gutter, and let archaeology chick redeem Ahmanet through the power of “Look at this cool new world you could have power over without slaughtering people.” And lesbian cuddles.

For the second movie, we could go with a Creature From The Black Lagoon movie. I mean, Shape of Water just came out, and is essentially an iteration of that creature, but it’s Fox, not Universal, so whatever.

We’re going to keep the Brazilian setting of the ‘54 movie, but we’re going to make a concerted effort to have a primarily Latinx cast. In this version, however, Gillman is some manner of eldritch god. Worshipped by an indigenous tribe centuries ago, but left starved for faith since then. Hell, we’ll throw Western Europe under the bus they oh-so-richly-deserve-to-be-hit-by and say that European conquerors killed the tribe. So the god has been left in a semi-submerged temple for centuries. Alone. And bored.

Now some asshole American has showed up, paying locals to aid their expedition, looking for “aztec gold.” (Plenty of people tell them that Aztecs lived in Central America, and proceed to list off tribes that were located in what became Brazil until they realize the asshole isn’t listening.)

They find this previously completely unknown temple, and the American strides right the fuck in, while the locals are all talking about how important it is, and that they should call the local college, and so on. Then realize that if they don’t do something, Asshole American will strip the place of anything that might be valuable, and destroyed the rest through negligence, by the time archaeologists get there. We could put in a “Blink-And-You’ll-Miss-It” shout out to Asskicking Archaeologist Chick from The Mummy here for a bit of arc welding.

So the locals rush in to look for Asshole American. They carefully shuffle around, and eventually find him.

Or his corpse.

He’s in an obviously ceremonially important basin, with giant fucking gashes in him.

The locals of course decide that there’s some kind of dangerous animal in the temple, and they need to get out. And probably call someone.

This is where they find they are completely unable to find the exit, even though it didn’t seem that big, or that labyrinthine going in.

The movie then plays out like a bit of a slasher, a bit Aliens, a bit Haunted House, while the bored god makes sport of them. Maybe there could be a sort of Saw-like deal, where mostly they’re put in death traps that have an out. Those outs could be various things that strengthen the god, and maybe there’s one big one towards the end where the locals have managed to reunite, and the out is for them to worship the god.

You could even get some Designated Asshole Victims here, maybe through a B Plot about corporate exploitation of nature, or some cartel fucks. This allows the locals to be put in positions where someone has to die, but it doesn’t have to be them. The god doesn’t care who dies, they care that someone kills someone else in a ritual dedicated to him. Maybe one of the locals buys in early because they’re sympathetic to the god’s concerns about the natural world, and a bit radical, and it doesn’t take much for the god to goad them into slitting some corporate exec’s throat.

End of the movie, the locals escape. It’s a personal win. It’s the thing they care about, that they live. The god isn’t dealt with in anything even approaching a permanent fashion, but he’s not powerful enough to be anything more than a monster that haunts that temple. For now.

We could get a mid-credits scene that shows Prodigium monitoring the temple, but taking a “wait and see” approach to it. Maybe they actually care about the lives of the people who live around there and not ravaging the wilderness, and mention that going in would risk undue collateral damage.

There’s no reason you couldn’t make a good, faithful, adaptation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I mean, you’d want to skip the part where Frankenstein’s Monster immolates himself after killing Victor, but otherwise, you could just do a straight adaptation.

But, lets say you want a new take.

Why not make it a love story?

Replace Ambitious Asshole Victor Frankenstein with a med student who flunked out after the death of their beloved. Med Student was already into some pretty experimental shit that the admins frowned upon, and Deceased Lover donated their body to science. Maybe Med Student’s friend sees Deceased Lover being brought in, and slips Med Student in to say their last good byes.

But Med Student has other ideas.

They steal Deceased Lover’s body, or at least their head, or brain, and maybe some stuff for the experimental gene therapy and tissue rejuvenation stuff they were looking at before flunking out.

Or hell, maybe Med Student convinces Friend to help. Actually, that’d be pretty cool, especially if Friend’s name is something that is just similar enough to Igor.

Anyway, they make off with Deceased Lover, and they start the work of applying Experimental Gene and Tissue Rejuvenation Tech to Deceased Lover.

And it works.

Mostly.

There are some complications, and Deceased Lover doesn’t recognize Med Student, or Friend, and isn’t too rational, or controlled, upon waking up. Maybe Deceased Lover’s groaning and such draws attention, and between Deceased Lover seeming to have Come Back Wrong, and Someone Coming, Med Student and Friend flee. Deceased Lover lashes out in instinct at the person who investigated, killing them with inhuman strength, and Deceased Lover is alone. They slowly come to full consciousness, and slowly begin to realize that Med Student left them. They brought them back, and then left them, but not before showing an expression of horror and disgust.

Deceased Lover tries to find old friends and family, but is rebuffed in horror by the people who last knew them to be dead.

Then Prodigium gets involved, because someone reported a person apparently coming back from the dead. They attack Deceased Lover on sight.

Overall, the movie plays out similarly to Frankenstein, except, perhaps, in timescale. At the end, Prodigium decides to let Deceased Lover be, provided they don’t become a threat. Prodigium has Med Student’s research, but so does Deceased Lover, and Deceased Lover has realized that there is something about them that makes the living fear them. Deceased Lover’s best shot at not living alone until they kill themselves is to 1) find other monsters, 2) create more of themselves, or 3) join Prodigium.

I personally like the idea that they decide to create their own society, creating a third faction that can oppose both the monsters and Prodigium in the franchise. This could be presented in the mid-credits scene.

The complication with this route for the Frankenstein movie is that you can’t really use the name Frankenstein, because it’s just corny unless you’re doing a direct adaptation. But you could just call it Promethean or something similar, it’s fine.

This is probably a good point to bring in Dracula, and it could be the Dark Universe’s Period Piece to mirror Captain America. We’ll set it in the early 1900s instead of the late 1800s, though, because I forgot about this as I writing, and cars were decently available in the early 1900s, but almost completely unavailable in the late 1800s. Early 1900s still works quite well.

We start with a narrator who is dictating a report on a case handled by  Dr. Van Helsing. It’s a “How We Got Here” intro. The narrator’s voice is feminine, so audiences may expect Van Helsing to be getting a gender lift in this version, but the narrator never speaks in the first person.

We’re going to embrace some parts of various versions of Dracula, and kind of weld them together. We start by making up some history, saying that a Wallachian prince set out in a deranged, and desperate mission to establish a hold on what would become the British Isles. He managed to build a castle there, but was lost to history otherwise. The reason he wanted to do this is not given particularly straight, but we use some bad christian eschatology, and have it be some kind of religious quest, because we’re totally going to embrace the whole blood drinking/eternal life thing from Christian tradition as an impetus for Dracula’s origin.

So, Prince Dracula is some mad Wallachian prince, maybe he’s actually exiled, and he goes and builds a castle in the British Isles on a shaky religious justification. We get a very bare cliff notes version of this in the intro, and it really just sets up why in our next scene we see a British real estate agent walking up to a castle in bad disrepair, on a small island in the middle of a lake. Hell, we’re going to go super symbolic, and make it a caldera lake. I honestly don’t know how likely it is for a caldera to exist on the British Isles, but, eh, fuck it.

So, the real estate agent is writing to their fiance over breakfast in their B&B, explaining that the castle was owned by some super private individual, and pretty much completely unknown to the outside world until recently, when said owner was committed to an institution and his property liquidated. So now the agent’s firm has acquired the land, and they’ve been sent to determine whether it’s a better investment to tear the castle down, or repair it.

Deep inside the castle, they find a very odd chapel. It looks normal enough at first glance, but a closer look reveals that every saint has a monstrous face, and angels and demons have traded places.

Also, there’s the altar, which seems to be hollow.

The Agent who is completely untrained in archaeology cuts themselves while looking the scene over, deeming it “creepy as fuck,” and making a note of it before moving on. There’s a close up of the blood dripping through a crack in the altar, and a sound that Agent dismisses as just the settling of an old building.

As it gets dark, Agent calls it a night, and heads back to their B&B, where they get various ominous warnings about that island. One of which is that its known for having vicious wolves who only come out at night. Which Agent dismisses as ludicrous, because wolves have been extinct in Britain for a decade at least. The person who mentioned it just gives a knowing look and walks away.

Agent goes back the next day to continue their work. They note that things are slightly different in the chapel, but doesn’t think much of it. Figures a bird knocked shit over, or something.

Time gets away from Agent, and they find themselves walking back to their car after the sun has dropped below the trees of the surrounding forest. And they hear a howl. They dismiss it. Must be hearing things. Then there are more. They hurry back to their car.

It starts to rain. Hard. And the road goes through winding forests, and there are those howls, getting closer. There’s a quick shadow bolting across the road, making them lose control for a harrowing trip across the bridge from the island to the ring, and a sudden peal of thunder distracts Agent just as they make it across, causing them to crash into a tree. They call a tow, but wind up having to walk to the B&B in the rain when told that the area has no drivers on the road and he’ll have to wait til morning.

Next day, he gets a cab, and we get to play a little homage to the carriage in Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 movie. Back at the castle, shit has definitely changed, and now Agent is seeing apparitions. Also, there’s some weird old man there, who introduces himself as a descendant of Dracula, and a relative of the man who previously owned the castle. A relative whom holds a copy of the deed, and persuasive arguments about the ownership of the castle. But he’s less interested in arguing over some small sum of money than he is in purchasing property in London and moving some of his more prized items there.

And then it plays out pretty similarly to the Dracula story, but with more “deal with the devil” and “dark inversion of communion.” Yes. More. Agent’s Fiance gets bit, and becomes a vampire. Van Helsing is called in, and is in fact a woman, but her voice doesn’t match the narrator’s. Dr. Van Helsing can totally be a woman, there were tons of women doctors in the 1800s.

Dracula starts a reign of terror on London, and Dr. Van Helsing has to reach out to others for help. Fortunately, she has a group of learned men and women, mostly women, who gather to trade stories, collaborate, etc. Mostly after going on expensive expeditions that polite society considers extremely wasteful and pointless. Their motto is “Prodigium de monstrum” (ess. “Prodigy out of monsters”), and they’ve proudly taken on the name The Prodigal Circle.

In the fight, Van Helsing dies, but Dracula is defeated, partially because of Mina’s ability to fight on his level as she resists his control.

Finally, it is revealed that Mina is the narrator, who has taken Van Helsing’s position in The Prodigal Circle, guiding their transition into a vigilant order from Van Helsing’s notes and instructions after being inducted by Van Helsing in one of her vigils over Mina when Mina was her patient.

The mid-credits scene shows Prodigium scientists removing Van Helsing’s body from storage, preserved through something between magic and science, as Mina, who doesn’t look a day older, supervises from above..

That is four fucking movie premises. And I think that’s enough for tonight. If there’s interest, I could write up premises/outlines for Wolf Man; Prodigium, the conclusion of Phase 1; and maybe a start of Phase two.

[jash62]

What the Hell Universe

Entry 1 Montague

What the actual fuck universe. What have I done in a past life to piss you off so!? What have I done to you to make my life the multi headed dick Hydra that is my current life!  

Everything is a burnt husk or ruin. If it's not burnt it's mutated if not burnt and mutated. I mean cockroaches the size of Corgis, angry murder fly-bees that shoot it's larva young at you. I swear if there are mutated spiders the size of dobermans, I'm ending it right now. I will eat that bullet with ketchup(if I can find some) damn nature you scary with a irradiated vengeance.

Okay where to start. first I need something to help get my thoughts in order so diary, Journal, log thingy ,or Incase someone finds this on my corpse out in this hell scape. We're about to get real personal real quick. So I guess I'll start with my name.

My name is Montague Alister Hawk, and I'm a time traveler for the year 2077 pre war America.

How is time travel possible you ask hypothetical reader. Well apparently its one part: ignore your best friend's advice and instincts, one part: submit to the peer pressure from your wife and one part: smooth silver tongue Vault Tec rep, and Two part: the fucking Chinese or American government nuking the shit out of each other! Mix with Corporate America mindset and a dash of Vault Tec experimentation. Poor over the iced tears of the working class and bam you get one maybe two possibly three time travelers.

Gods please let my wife and child be safe. Also thanks for keeping my last bottle of whiskey together for the past 210 years.

Okay so here's the thing, my psychologist doc Anders, said that in times of great stress with nothing to do, is to write down my thoughts or this case type them. So here I am, drinking a the last (possibly unirradiated) bottle Jameson. In the burnt out ruins of my home, with the computer (I scavenged from the drug dealer down the street), and with the hopes my wife and son are alive in this hellscape that is the Boston wasteland as Codsworth dubs it.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact when I woke up this morning in the year of 2077 and now it's 2287. In fact we went into vault 111 around 1000 hrs on Oct 23 and I came out of said vault on Oct 23 1100 hrs. And what's worse is today is still a blur.

It started like any other day, I was shaving my beard off in my preparation for the speech I was suppose to give at the VA. I remember Cods giving me some coffee and the knock on the door from that Vault Tec basterd, my wife pleading with me to just deal with him. Because it was free.

Pffpht nothing is free, "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.” that is the Law of Equivalent Exchange and I have yet to find a way to circumvent this law, but enough philosophy.

The next thing I remember is hearing my NORAD waring blare on my computer, gathering Cassandra and Shaun. Then booking it towards the vault. the air was thick with fear. There was air raid sirens blaring and vertibirds mobilizing.

If I wasn't in such a panic I would have recognise the first warning something was off. It was the Vault Tec rep having been denied at the gate. The second warning was when we were granted access to the vault even though we finished the paperwork not 30 minutes before. Gods hindsight is 20/20 and a bitch.

I felt it before it went off somehow, all the thing Cassandra and I feared most. The reason I joined the rangers and went to war, was to help prevent what we saw. The reason Cassandra went to law school and put up with those stuff shirts that made up the law community, was to prevent what we saw. All the hardships, late nights, ptsd fueled nightmares, our hopes dreams, and all the hours put to fight the injustice we fought against. All of that time and effort, went up in the ash and dust fueled, mushroom shaped cloud.

I still see it when I close my eyes. Still hear the screams.

Anyway I instinctively grab Cassandra hold her against me as we ducked down against the blast wind as we were lowered into the vault. We hit the bottom and all I can think is how much time we wasted to prevent the unpreventable.

The next hour was a blur again and the next thing I can remember is Cassandra handing me Shaun so she could change into her vault suit. I remember looking into his blue eyes and holding close. Silently promising him the best I could in this fucked up world. Then I looked at my Cassandra, my rock, my harbor in the storm. I looked into the stormy steel eyes and kissed her for all I worth. Hoping my unsaid message of love and devotion was noticed.

Then of course we were interrupted by some Vault Tec asshat in a lab coat telling us it's time to enter our individual decontamination chamber. Hince the third waring something was wrong.

Now thanks to my years in the Rangers I have seen a lot of things. New tech and research of Big MT things but this was no decontamination chamber I have ever seen. In fact it looked more like a sarcophagus pod than a decontamination chamber.

Of course my fears of the future and my small family standing in front of me (and my instincts of finding a safe and secure space for us) distracted my “IT'S A TRAP” instincts. Well that and the armed Vault Tec security officer standing behind the asshat in the lab coat.

We then of course follow instructions and get in to the sarcophagus of decontamination. Luckily Cassandra Shaun and I were able to get pods across from one another and see each other from across the hall via view ports. We hear the computer voice say  “Decontamination start in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1..” as it hit one Cassandra and I reached for each other then the blackness took me.

The next thing I remember is hearing voices as I was coughing up liquid. Then I see these science types in light blue radiation gear with what looked like Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man as a symbol over their right breast, and a man that was definitely a mercenary.

They stop in front of Cassandra's pod, gods knows I tried to get out but I was weak. The merc took a fighting stance pointed his (I'm guessing .44) revolver at Cassandra's view port and nods to the DaVinci wannabe. They activated her pod and as it open I can hear Shaun's cry's. Of course I'm shouting and pounding on my viewport, trying to get people's attention to no avail.

Then the gun shot (definitely .44), and all I can see is Cassandra's shocked face. Then I hear this ungodly roar (I guess it was me by the way that merc and that DaVinci wannabe looked at me) and that fucking merc smiled at me. and I swear to all that is holy, I will find him and wipe that smile off his face with his own gun.

Then blackness again.

I don't know how long I was out but the next thing I hear is a kalaxian blaring over and over again. I shifted and cracked one of my eyes open to immediately shut it again as the low light seared through my brain. Igniting a headache that has yet to leave me. Then all that has happened to this point, slams through my brain. Panicking I look up to my wife's pod to find it empty!

As I slowly get up, ignoring the pain as my muscles scream for me to lay down again, and stumble to the empty open pod. As I reached the pod I fall to my knees, I rub my eyes a couple times in disbelief. Then all I see from my position is a small but dried blood smear and the bloody bullet lodged in the upper corner of the interior pod. I grabbed a flat head screwdriver form the nearby tool box and proceeded to attempt to dialogue the bullet. I can't tell you why it was important but it was.

After sometime I finally work the damn thing out and as it popped out from its position I missed the catch and it bounced to the floor. Wanting that bullet I went after it. Fate must have been with me because it landed next to a blood spot and the broken chain of Cassandra's pendant necklace that she inherited from her mom. As I pick up the pendent I realised that Cassandra rarely took it off and was often a favorite chew toy for Shaun.

The pendet Itself was shaped in the form of a mother (tigers eye) cradling a newborn (lapis lazuli). Behind it was my dented dog tags and behind those Cassandra's wedding band and engagement ring. Unfortunately part of the mother was broken as well my tags were bent  from what looked like a bullet going through or at least ricocheted off them.

Hope then. Not much but enough to move forward.

I look around and see the vault in disrepair as well as the other pods. I get up stretching my muscles and walk to the next pod to the right of mine. The viewport was fogged up so I pull the release switch and the body of ole Bob fell out. He was dead from the looks of it (and no pulse I checked). He seemed to be dead for a while. Then the next pod down (left of mine) to his wife, same condition. So was the next and the next one after that. All dead. Then I see a computer at the beginning of the hall.

I turn on the monitor to see the screen blinking in time with the klaxon, saying cryo Lab 3 critical malfunction. I acknowledge the waring and the klaxon mercifully stop blaring. I continue to read the warning displayed on the screen and discovered that all residents of the pods pronounced were dead. With the exception of my pod and Cassandra's pod. However nothing was timed stamped or dated even.

Diary, Journal, log thingy, or hypothetical reader. I'm going to say right now, I been alone for a long time even during my military service but before I met Cassandra I could handle that feeling and let me try to describe that feeling.

It's like your hollow inside and nothing you do matters. You go through the motions of life, do what's expected of you, try not to make a fuss. Be that man your father wanted, be a pawn in his games. That pawn for the government. Of course I had ambition but it had nowhere to go and it kinda peters out. I joined the military to get away from my father in Texas. Went north to get away from that toxic family but it followed me here and everywhere I went. I was looking to die at the start of Anchorage.

Of course I wasn't wanting to go alone so decided to take as many of those invading Chinese bastards with me. But somehow I lived through that campaign. I was in Washington DC receiving my medals when I met Cassandra and that's the day I finally knew how to live, I wasn't alone anymore.

However in that moment after reading how Everyone in that bay was dead. That lonely feeling hit me full force and truthfully I don't know how I handled the loneliness before. Because for the first time in 10 years I remember what it felt like. I don't know how long I stood there looking at nothing but eventually I moved. Looking at the ground I saw more blood pointing out a side door.

Following the trail, it lead me to a side office that looked like a tornado ransack the place. If I had to guess it was my wifes doing. Because in all the mess was a bloody discarded vault suit, empty packaging of a new suit and the remnants of a first aid kit. I also noticed blood leading in but not out.

Good signs. Like Cassandra's uncle Nick always said, “If there ain't no body, then there ain't nobody dead.”

I proceed through the vault to see if there was any supplies missed, and proceeded after hopefully after Cassandra. As I continued through the vault I saw the evidence of Cassandra throughout the place. Bodies of well squished Radroaches, (which made tracking her easier) messy mess hall (phtb) and other signs of life. Eventually I proceeded to the overseer’s office ransacking what supplies I could along the way. At the overseer's office is where I found my first weapon and information about the vault.

Yeah I remember that dash of experimentation that I told you of for the making of a time traveler? Well it turns out vault-tec was doing social experimentation on us for the long-term effects of cryogenically freezing the human body.

Bastards

At the overseer got what was coming It seems that the security crew pulled a coup de gras after rations was getting low to leave the vault. I can summarize this because I'm standing over the bastards bullet-riddled skeletal remains and by the entries of his computer. Not even sorry

I then proceeded to the access tunnel that the overseer had and came into the supply room where I was able to find a Pip-Boy brand spanking new in the box. After starting it up and getting it tuned to my body I proceeded to the vault door into the entrance of this gods-forsaken tomb.

I was able to reach to the top of the Vault and finally see the destruction of those idiots. If my other description of how fucked our world is, see my earlier description of the world. I will say this however nature is slowly reclaiming what is hers I have no doubt that you'll be able to do it in the next couple thousand years or so. Because life marches on with or without humans.

However there is the problem of me losing the trail of my wife at the top of the vault. So naturally I thought she would head down to the house that we wants to live in that is now a ruin. Funny enough I come across our old robot codsworth still trying to do his programmed duties.so after a not so heartwarming reunion, I found out that Codsworth has not seen my wife and we sweep the neighborhood, looking for supplies and clues of Cassandra or of Shaun's kidnappers, until the sun was on the horizon.

I need to apologize to Codsworth, I don't think he appreciated my smartassery. Though Codsworth did say there was a rainstorm not to long ago but that makes tracking Cassandra that more difficult. However not impossible.

I pray that the gods are still with me on this journey. Lord Hades take the dead into your realm and give them proper rest. Also if you could thank Bob for me, his fallout shelter was still intact and relatively stocked hope he didn't mind. Lady Diana and Lady Freya guide me into the hunt for my wife and son, keep my shots square and true. Odin help me keep my knowledge and strength in this endeavor. Lady Athena help me keep my strategy sound and wit about me. And to Jesus grant mercy to those who stand against me for I will have none to give.

This is Hawk signing off

End entry Oct 24 2287 0107

(quote from Fullmetal Alchemist and Band of Brothers)

[wander---woman]

“Omnia vivunt, omnia inter se conexa

Everything is alive; everything is interconnected.”     – Cicero

Everything is silent. Phones that usually buzz with notifications are paralyzed without WiFi. Our steps are softened by cookeina caps and jewel beetle exoskeletons. My breath, coming out in ragged exhales from the ascent, instinctively falls into a gentle rhythm. Waiting. Our heads crane in the direction of the pineapple field, our eyes focusing on a moving black shape.

Deep in the Costa Rican rainforest, I find myself face-to-face with what appears to be a cross between an anteater and a wild boar. Out come the iPhones to capture whatever the hell it is on our tiny rectangular screens. I re-sheath my phone safely in the pocket of my hip and trendy pants-to-shorts (panorts? shants?). I’m confident that my auspicious sighting will live on forever in its very own Google Drive folder.

The lighting! The saturation! The brilliant greens and yellows of the forest foliage. Nature is my canvas. I’m basically Georgia O’Keeffe. I’ll quit my job, move to New Mexico, and paint yonic watercolors of technicolor orchids for the rest of my days.

Except that, upon inspection, all my photos are all of pixelated, lint-grey globs. Shit.

Forced to live in the moment, I ask our guide what this majestic creature is doing as we spy on it from our hideaway.

He leans in close to me so that I can see the whites of his eyes from behind the elephant ear leaves. “It makes the caca.”

I nod and steer my eyes back onto the pig.

The biology teacher next to me starts to tear up. “I always cry when I see a tapir,” she explains.

Now, dear reader, I’ll have you know that I am an avid hiker. I enjoy flowers and trees and the serendipitous freshwater stream flowing from somewhere high up in the mountains. I like being out in nature and, although my jewelry collection and wildly elaborate skincare routine would suggest otherwise, I don’t even mind creepy-crawlies like tarantulas. But I draw the line at watching an animal take a shit. Dumbfounded as to how Gisella could possibly be moved to tears at the sight, I do what any reasonable human would do. I say, “Of course, absolutely” and hand her a tissue.

Days later we’re at a presentation by Nãi Conservation founder, Esteban. Kids are packed into the building and rain is slapping hard against the wood paneling. Outside, abandoned hammocks toss their leaves out into the storm as Esteban adjusts the projector. He explains that the goal of his NGO is to save the endangered tapir – the very same pig thing that I had scoffed at only days earlier.

Esteban points to the distorted graph on the makeshift screen, a wrinkled bedsheet pilfered from the hotel. Tapirs are endemic to Central America, I learn. They gather nuts and seeds much like squirrels, which they either forget about or disperse around the rainforest via their scat. Esteban, a biologist by trade, goes on to say that this distribution of seeds is an invaluable ecosystem service. With fewer tapirs to eat the seeds and poop them out, fewer trees get planted, which means fewer homes for animals, less tree cover for moss and fungi, and, consequently, less oxygen for humans to breathe.

As it is, there are less than one hundred tapirs confirmed living in the Costa Rican rainforests and the population is decreasing with each incidence of roadkill. Roads have been built that cut through protected rainforest land, which causes habitat fragmentation – tapirs and other animals try to cross the roads to locate other sources of food or shelter, and are inevitably run over. Interestingly, this surge in tapirs killed by vehicles has coincided with pineapple companies demanding shorter and shorter transportation times for their products. Truck drivers speed to meet their quotas and hit tapirs in the process. Esteban’s records show that twenty tapirs have been killed already this year, leaving the population count perilously low.

What I had witnessed the other day – a weird-looking animal taking a dump – was no less than a miracle.

As it turned out, I didn’t know shit about… well, shit.

Esteban’s talk reminded me of our trip to the Monteverde Butterfly Gardens a couple days earlier. An intern, Matthew, talked about how cockroaches are vital in any ecosystem – because they’re such good decomposers, we’d be swimming in mountains of waste without them. He also claimed cockroaches are surprisingly clean and popped one in his mouth to prove it. I made a valiant effort not to squirm in my seat, but wound up doing a seated variation of the potty dance. One thing did ring clear, though – everything’s interconnected in ways we don’t even realize. Cockroaches keep us clean and tapir poo is saving the rainforest.

Nature’s wild, man.

After Esteban’s talk, we got to meet the director of the Bosque Eterno de los Niños (Children’s Eternal Rainforest). She explained that the rainforest conservation effort had very humble beginnings. In 1981, Eha Kern’s elementary school students in Sweden fundraised to save 50 acres of Costa Rican rainforest in the Peñas Blancas Valley. NGOs and organizations worldwide followed suit and the Costa Rican government even agreed to match donations. Now the BEN consists of over 57,000 acres of protected land.

Around the same time in the 80s, fast food chains were coming on the scene in the U.S., which all relied on cheap beef raised in Latin America. (These were the pre-pink slime days.) Costa Rica began clearing massive amounts of rainforest land for cattle pastures to meet the demands of the burgeoning fast food industry. This turned out to be not such a good idea, given the ensuing deforestation and the special relationship we humans have with trees – in that we need them to breathe.

As a result, folks in the U.S. started boycotting fast food chains that used meat imported from Latin America, prompting those corporations to seek out other meat sources. (Or should I say, “meat-like”?) A U.S. biologist, Daniel Janzen, even started raising funds to buy rainforest land and donate it to the Costa Rican national government for conservation. Finally, the Costa Rican government itself jumped on board and started establishing national parks in an effort to save the imperiled rainforest land.

This whole “Hamburger Connection” talk piqued my interest largely because our modern-day relationship to food is a perennial bee in my bonnet. On the other hand, I was stoked to hear this example of people working together – across cultural, linguistic, and international barriers – to un-fuck a dire situation.

If you’re also a fan of un-fucking dire situations, throw a couple dollars at the BEN and/or Nãi to keep tapirs happily eating, pooping, and saving the rainforest in the process:

https://www.acmcr.org/content/donations/

https://naiconservation.org/donate/

My favorite thing about traveling, whether it’s to the Costa Rican rainforest or to the Sahara Desert (that one’s still on my list), is being reminded of how much I have to learn. This time around, a Swedish elementary school class from back in the ’80s showed me the importance of taking initiative, giant cockroaches illustrated the value of all life (even the creepy crawly kind), and an endangered animal’s scat taught me that everything is interconnected.

Here’s to finding teachers in unlikely places.

 Fiercely,

J

Tapir Shit: A Meditation on the Interconnectedness of Life