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heartsofstrangers · 5 years ago

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What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“I think, to date, probably coming out to my parents and family has been the most challenging thing for sure.

Tell me about that.

“I did it at age thirty-five and, in the back of my mind, I thought it would be scripted. I thought it would have a sit-down meeting, it would go as planned, and that’s not how it happened at all. I was going through some issues in the gay community and, being very close to my parents, it sucked not to be able to call them and talk to them about it. I was driving down the Loop on the way back to work, and I had this overwhelming feeling, it was like I was on autopilot, and I just picked up the phone and let it fly. Leading up to that point, that was obviously something I thought about every day, living a double life, sort to speak, which is tough, especially when you’re close to your family.”

What kind of toll did that take on you, mentally and physically?

“In retrospect, I wasn’t living my authentic self. Part of that was corporate America, I wasn’t happy. I had great relationships with friends, but personal relationships, dating-wise, it was kind of interesting because I was happy but, at the same time, I wasn’t. I was living a duality.”

What do you think kept you in the closet for so long?

“Fear. Everybody who’s close to me and know my parents very well knew it wasn’t going to be as big as I always made it out to be. Also, I think I had internal struggles with other things that prevented me as well.”

Like what?

“Other demons that were hiding in the closet with me. I was sexually abused as a child twice. The first time, I was three or four, and the second time, I was eleven. It was in a Boy Scout setting. The first time didn’t resurface until the second time it happened, because I didn’t understand what was going on the first time. I still think about it daily. I’ve always been asked the question if being sexually abused turned me gay. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that you’re gay, it’s the way you’re born. It’s a genetic thing. It certainly didn’t help growing up that way. It was almost as if when I came out of the closet, I was born again and shed everything that I was holding onto in the past. It’s helped. It’s not like it’s gone, but I have a different relationship with it. Getting to know my demons versus keeping them in the closet, understanding them and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like it’s changed the dynamic of the relationship you have with your demons. Would you still consider them demons at this point, now that you’ve accepted them?

“They’re more like life experiences. Demonizing your demons is still looking at them in a negative way (and it was a negative experience), but if you don’t love your demons, you’re never going to fully embrace them because that’s who you are. I am myself today because of the experiences I’ve had in the past, as is everyone else. Coming out to my parents was the hardest thing, but also the best thing. I tend to have duality in my life always.”

How so?

“I don’t know if it’s being a Gemini, but there’s always a duality to everything I do. It’s not always black and white.”

How did the sexual abuse impact your childhood?

“I had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm, great family, there’s the duality again, but then I had issues with intimacy and touch. I still struggle with that today. I’ll never forget, I loved basketball growing up and my parents sent me to this basketball camp. Every year, I’d be excited to go and the year after it happened the second time, I was there for two days and had to come home. Being intimate with coaches patting me on the back freaked me out. It was very uncomfortable. That’s the first time I personally realized the impact it was having. I joke that I went to Catholic school and learned about discrimination at a very young age, being non-Catholic in a Catholic school. That was kind of a blessing because I developed thick skin. I had to in order to protect myself in a Catholic school. That carried over into life. I would say the biggest impact it had was on intimacy. There was anger. I would bully kids. It was me lashing out with my anger. Thankfully, that went away. I would say, in retrospect, that was where that came from. That was during a time when everything was swept under the rug. We told the authorities, but it was kind of left at that, and it was never discussed again. I should have probably been in therapy immediately following.”

So, your parents knew?

“Yeah. They knew about the second time. At that point, this was the most recent and most important, and it reopened the first time.”

Was it the same person?

“No. The first time, it was a family friend and he was in his late teens, early twenties. I was very confused and didn’t know what the heck was going on. Like I said, the second time was a boy scout leader, he continued doing it in the community, and finally he was caught at the Nazarene church doing it to a three-year-old.”

Wow. You mentioned anger and bullying your peers. Did you feel anger towards your assailant? Did you ever have to come to terms with looking at that and trying to find forgiveness or compassion?

“I didn’t at the time, but in early adulthood in my twenties, I did. I was still dating women. I did question ‘is this the reason why I am the way I am, is this the reason I struggle with relationships’? Yeah, that made me angry because I see everyone else living ‘normal lives’ and I didn’t have that. Once I came out of the closet to my parents, all the anger went away. I think that was the last step to owning my shit and loving my shit because we all have shit. That was the last step of recognizing my demons, getting to know my demons intimately, understanding them, and developing a relationship with them.”

It sounds like there was a level of shame for years around your demons, and through sharing them, and being accepted and embraced by the people closest to you, it kind of released that.

“It did and it’s so fucked up because there’s a level of guilt because you ask yourself did that really happen? You question—although I can vividly remember it—but you ask yourself ‘is that really bad?’ Of course it’s bad, but your mind goes through that process. You compartmentalize it, which is another interesting thing. That’s why therapy probably would have been beneficial, to work through it with a professional.”

Did you ever feel that when you went to your parents, they had any sort of shame? Sometimes situations like that, depending on the kind of community you live in and the level of prestige or status your family might have, or how important that is to them.

“I think they dealt with it the best they knew how, which was not to deal with it. In my community, anything that was (I don’t know that I’d call it scandalous) hard or challenging wasn’t really talked about, and a lot of that was the era and the time. In today’s world, it would probably be completely different. I think a lot of that comes with technology and communication. We’re all so interconnected now that people can hear other people’s stories, and there’s a point of reference to go off of. I can’t imagine a parent . . . what’s your point of reference, unless it happened to you. That’s why I think what you’re doing is so important because it’s giving people a point of reference.”

Thank you. So, what was the relationship like with your parents? If they really didn’t do anything, although you said that they reported it to the authorities.

“I’ll never forget because I was eavesdropping on the phone call. They called the head scoutmaster and, what’s even crazier, is this was affiliated with my church. I listened to the conversation and basically the head scoutmaster said ‘we’ll look into it and blah, blah, blah’ and, honestly, after that, it kind of went away. There were other scouts that went through the same thing. I wasn’t the only one. Obviously, the guy was a serious pedophile. I had peers who were going through the same thing but, again, we didn’t talk about it. There was a lot of shame and guilt associated with it.”

The quality of your relationship with your parents during that time in your life, even before that, what was it like?

“It’s bizarre . . . it was great. Everything was ‘normal’ and I guess, as humans, we have the ability to compartmentalize and lock something away, and that’s when it starts festering.”

And, you never know when it comes out and it can be a whole series of things, not just that one thing that comes out.

“Right.”

It sounds like the second instance where it was happening triggered memories of the first, and then you talked about coming out at age thirty-five, and that also being a release in a way or an awakening of a new chapter. You also talked about dating women. What was it like having relationships with women, knowing that was not authentically who you were?

“As bizarre as this sounds, it was normal because, again, I had zero point of reference of being gay, having grown up in a small town in West Texas. I had no peers who were gay, although there probably were, but they were in the same situation as I was. I knew the act of dating and being in a relationship with a girl was normal, but it didn’t feel normal to me, if that makes sense. I felt like I was like everyone else by doing it, but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that’s not who I was. It wasn’t until my mid-to-late twenties that I started realizing I was not only affecting myself, but affecting someone else’s life. That was a lot of personal growth for me, knowing that I could do that. I think through the process of being empathetic, I’ve developed a deep level of empathy for all. I think when I really started homing in on empathy is when I came to the realization that I can get married because I’m supposed to, but that’s not only going to affect me and my family, but it’s going to affect another family as well. I think that was a turning point for me that it was time to do this.”

I’m guessing that it must have felt like the pressure was building as each year past and that secret remained, and it just gets harder and harder.

“Hell yeah. Family holidays . . . I would dread—girlfriend, marriage, and it’s so nice not to have to deal with that … so nice. I think too I’m happy that we’re at a place that people can be who they are. There are still going to be assholes out there but, for the most part, we’re coming to a point in time where it’s okay to just be.”

Regardless of what your sexuality is, I think just being who you are in general and finding your identity and sharing it with the world in an authentic way is a courageous act and it’s also met with rejection, ridicule, and criticism. It’s part of the recipe for anyone outside of the gay community as well.

“Once I started to get to know and embrace my demons, everything else went away, my insecurities in general. I’m completely happy with who I am and there’s not anything and, sometimes I wonder if it’s to a fault because you can’t go through life saying ‘I don’t care,’ because I do care. At the same time, what other people think of me, except for people that I care about, of course, I want them to have positive impressions and feelings towards me. For the most part, I’m not going to let what people think of me affect my life”

It sounds like what you’re saying is that it doesn’t change the way that you value or perceive your self-worth, someone’s ability to see that or define it, doesn’t change the way that you define yourself as being worthy and of value.

“Yes, right.”

That’s important because I think the society and culture that we live in today is self-hinged on other’s approval of us, whether it’s through social media or through social interactions in public, it’s constant, almost being appraised by others and having that dictate who we are and how valuable we are as a human being.

“If you think about it, that typically is not your authentic self. You’re masking your demons and presenting an altered version of yourself to society by doing that. I think that’s why authenticity resonates with me. I kind of feel there’s a movement of authenticity and that’s why you see it all the time, which is good, but I think there’s a long way to go. You look at social media, and a lot of it is not authentic. At the same time, there are people that are yearning for authenticity and I’m happy that I’m seeing it more and more.”

Would you say that embracing vulnerability is a part of being authentic?

“Yeah, definitely it’s a part of it. I think that’s probably one of the hardest things for people to do. It’s protectionism. When you’re vulnerable, you’re completely exposed and I think we’re taught not to be. We’re taught to protect ourselves, but I think until you can become truly vulnerable, you’re not living your authentic life because that’s a big part of it.”

Tell me about your teenage years, in school, you’ve had this experience. Did you go to a special high school?

“No, I went to public junior high and high school. Junior high was definitely awkward. Again, I didn’t really feel like I fit in. I had a great experience in high school, and a lot of that was through sports. Playing sports—there was a sense of community and team. I had that commonality with people in sports, whereas in junior high, you’re awkward in junior high any way. But, holding on to that, that was tough. Junior high was tough. It’s interesting because I would say that I would consider myself a bully when I was in Catholic school, and that was when being the only non-Catholic in a Catholic school, being different, and the fact that I felt different because I was gay and because of the sexual abuse. That was a triple whammy.”

That’s a lot of layers of separation.

“Yeah. High school was what I would consider normal. I was happy in high school. I think I’ve been very fortunate that I’ve never really experienced deep depression. There’s sadness, but I think mine manifested in anger more than sadness.”

Would you say that’s because anger is an easier emotion to feel or express, or because being a man that’s more encouraged?

“I think environmentally speaking, growing up in West Texas, cowboys, farmers, macho, I think that it was probably my environment. You didn’t see a lot of sadness. I really never saw a lot of sadness.”

Did you ever see your father cry?

“No . . . maybe at his dad’s funeral, but it was brief. I saw my mom cry. I think that had something to do with it as well. I was angry . . . I was angry.”

Where did that anger lead you towards? Were you self-destructive? Were you hurtful towards other people?

“No. I was never self-destructive. I was a verbal and emotional bully; it was never physical. I think sometimes I would pull away, isolation.”

Sometimes anger can help us through that because anger pushes people away. That anger discharges our pain.

“I’ve also been fiercely independent and I think that’s probably where it stems from. Again, some people say I’m a social person, but I sometimes feel that I’m a loner, as well. Sometimes, I find solace in being alone and reflective of my thoughts. Yeah, I’ve always been like that.”

So, you had kind of a normal junior high and high school experience. Did you go on to college and what does that look like?

“Again, it was normal. I was in a fraternity. I was very active in student organizations and had good grades, which is remarkable because I had ADHD, which I didn’t figure out until after college when I had my first job. Excessive partying, I don’t think that was a manifestation of anger. I think it was a product of being in college, because your buddies were doing it as well. I think the biggest hang up I’ve had until coming out was being honest with myself about being gay. It’s amazing the trajectory of my life once I owned it; it has completely changed.”

How so? What were some of the shifts that you saw?

“From a professional standpoint, I felt like I was a hamster in a wheel. Corporate—that’s just not me. I really don’t like structure. I don’t follow rules very well. It’s not like I’m anti-follow rules. It’s just that my mind doesn’t see the value that other people see in following rules. You might wonder where that comes from. Overall, when you love yourself and you’re doing what you love, it’s just natural for the trajectory and overall quality of your life to improve. I think me coming out was directly related to that. I certainly wasn’t doing what I wanted to do prior to real estate. Everything just kind of came to a head and I released it all. I opened the floodgates up. I didn’t want to lie to my parents anymore. I didn’t want to do corporate America anymore. I was done. I think that I was fortunate that I focused on positive avenues and career change. It very easily could have gone another way.”

Was that a scary time for you? It seems like a lot of change all at once, being honest about who you are and making a significant career change.

“Yeah. It felt like somebody put me in a jar, put a top on it, started shaking it up, and then poured it out. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. It was at a point that I think had I not done that, I could have seen myself going a different direction pretty quickly, starting to rely on other things to numb what was going on. It was scary and exciting.”

Would you say that pain was a catalyst to some of these major changes in your life, or some degree of pain or discomfort?

“Yeah. Yep. Around that time too, I had a friend who’s a life coach, and I became interested in things like Deepak and spiritualism, and it really opened my eyes. I think in Western society, there’s a roadmap that we’re given and expected to do. It takes a major event to realize tear that fuckin’ map up, throw it away. Seriously, throw that fuckin’ map away. Once I realized that, everything just kind of fell into place. There wasn’t a map needed because my map was organic. Yeah . . . my path was organic.”

Did you practice any sort of faith through this time or during this time that you’re kind of moving through fear, going through change, and embracing courage?

“I was raised Methodist and I would find myself praying. I was praying to God, but it took me a while to realize that the God I was taught in school and in church was not the God I was praying to. I’ve always been interested in other religions. Growing up going to a Catholic school Monday through Friday and then going to a Protestant church on the weekend—there’s a similar story, but there are a lot of differences. So, I was like ‘hey, why is it this way here and then on Sunday it’s this way?’ And they say ‘we’re right, they’re wrong.’ It kind of opened my mind at a young age that there’s a lot of hypocrisy in organized religion. Growing up where I did, friends and parents of the Church of Christ, they literally would say, ‘We love you, Chris, but you’re going to go to hell if you don’t convert.’ Who says that? You’re a Christian? We would sneak the liquor that they hid; they were closet drinkers. My spirituality has been a lifelong evolution that God is within yourself. Part of the beauty of realizing that is when you shed and become authentically yourself, that’s when you realize that God is within you, whether or not you want to call it God. To me, studying religions, there’s a lot of history, a lot of depth, and similarities, but it’s the action behind the religion that I have issue with. The different types of religions—they’re all beautiful in their own way, but its people that make them that not so religious.”

Do you have any practices now that help guide you?

“Yes. I do guided meditation, and meditating is praying. If everybody realized that we’re all doing the same thing, it’s all the same, I think there would be a lot less anger and violence in the world. I like to meditate. Meditation is challenging for me because of my ADHD, but then I realized to meditate, once you stop trying, it becomes meditation. Yeah, I try to meditate daily. It’s a grounding practice that energizes me. It’s like a power nap.”

What are some of the other practices or coping skills that you use when things get challenging or stressful?

“I exercise. Exercise has always been a great outlet. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was coping, that exercise is my outlet. I guess that’s not a bad one to use. Yeah . . . exercise, meditation, and I journal. I like reflecting my thoughts, and writing them down helps.”

You mentioned early on, when you had gone through those periods of abuse, that getting into therapy would have been helpful. Did you eventually get into therapy?

“When I moved to Houston, I briefly started going to a therapist and I found that we weren’t discussing the trauma in my childhood, but discussing the trauma in my relationships. In retrospect, it stems from the trauma in my childhood. That’s not on the therapist, that’s on me because I wasn’t discussing it and how was he to know. Unless you’re ready to talk about it, it’s a waste of resources on both sides. I think for therapy to work, you have to let it all out. I briefly went to therapy, but I wasn’t being 100 percent truthful. I was more concerned about this person and why it wasn’t working versus my shit. I think I have come to a point in my life where I have to own my own shit. That’s part of growing up, but I think it took me a long time to grow up.”

It’s much easier to notice someone else’s shit and to point it out.

“It’s easier to deal with someone else’s shit.”

Sometimes you don’t realize until that person has moved on from your life and you’re still left with the same kind of shit you’re experiencing and it’s actually yours and not theirs.

“Yep. That’s ego.”

Tell me about some of your relationships. You’ve had long-term relationships with women.

“Yes, and this is something that I struggle with—intimacy because I think at a very young age, I associated it with sex. Sex and love were not in the same wheelhouse for me, and every relationship I’ve ever been in it’s been an issue. That’s one of the demons I’m trying to get to know best, and really understand and embrace because it’s not only affecting me, but it’s affecting other people. You can look back it’s almost like clockwork the stages in a relationship that I go through. In the beginning, the sex is great because there’s no love involved. Once feelings start developing, I push away. It’s tough.”

What’s the fear there when love starts to be involved in that picture?

“I don’t know, but I think it’s the little boy trying to protect himself. Every time emotions and feelings come into play, he’s protecting himself. He doesn’t want to ever feel that way again. I would have to say that it is getting better for me, but it’s going to be something that I’ll always have to deal with. It will never, ever go away. It’s impossible. It’s a part of who I am. It’s a part of my self and I think the fact that I realize that, it’s making the ability for me to move forward and deal with it easier, but it will always be there.”

I’m sure he will always be there but, at some point you may come to a place where you can shift his role in the equation because I’m sure that served you for a number of years to protect you, but it’s no longer serving you as an adult. I had a brief conversation in the car yesterday with my aunt while I was visiting, and she was talking about her own upbringing, feelings, and also having been abused. She said she had a pivotal moment with her healer or guide, who told her to invite the little girl to play instead, like you’re a child, it’s okay, just play, so that she could take the lead as an adult and integrate those aspects of herself because when you’ve experienced trauma, they get kind of fragmented and that child who’s had to create those defenses to survive, it continues to kind of rush in when there’s a threat, or feels like a threat.

“What’s so bizarre to me is that how can love ever be a threat? How can you be in the process of falling in love and consider that a threat?”

If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, abused, neglected, assaulted—all of those things impact your ability to trust and your willingness to be vulnerable, which can make you associate love with those things. You’re allowing yourself to be hurt or taken advantage of, but on the other side of that, if you carry that armor and push away the very thing that you’re longing for, you’ll continue to suffer and create that distance between what you want and where you are.

“Yeah. It’s just so crazy because the two things that I love, independently so much, but marrying them together . . . It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is something that I’ve always struggled with, but I think recognizing it, acknowledging it, and becoming intimate with it is the first step in bringing those two things together.”

Yes. If you have the capacity to, what you were referring to as your demons, invite them in and get to know them well, the same is true for that little boy, leaving space for him, to join in as well.

“Yes.”

What would you say to that little boy if you could as your adult self today, sit with him and offer him some message or consolation?

“Just let him know that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s difficult to put my mindset to where he was and, knowing myself as a little boy, would he listen to what I’m telling him. Just tell him that it’s going to be okay. Hang in there. It’s going to be okay.”

That little boy, as he was developing from those experiences, did he ever feel that he was responsible when it happened?

“Yes. I have had these defining moments in my life, some of them great and some of them not so great. I’ll never forget, we were at my aunt’s house, and my little nephew, who was three or four at the time, and my mom asked me to take him to the bathroom and help him. I was about thirteen, and this was still raw and fresh. I was in the bathroom helping him and my grandmother came in and said ‘stop doing that to him’ and I remember my body going cold and thinking ‘am I doing something wrong?’ That had a profound, profound impact on intimacy. That had a profound impact on me. You wonder what happened to her. She had no idea what I was going through. So, what skeletons or demons were in her closet that caused her to react like that? I didn’t recognize that until later as an adult. I was like ‘oh my God, am I doing something wrong?’ There’s a degree of shame and you think since I was abused, am I going to do it to other children? I think abuse victims probably feel that there’s a stigma. The reality is if that happened to you, that’s the last thing that you’d ever want to do to somebody. It’s amazing that collectively less than thirty minutes in time can have such a profound impact on someone’s life.”

Yes, and that says a lot about every moment of our lives, especially when we’re in a position to make choices, all of these little microscopic and micro decisions that we make from moment to moment can really dictate.

“You have the ability in sixty seconds to change somebody’s life forever.”

It sounds like you were able to come to a place where you were able to look at what happened, to accept that it happened, and to decide to move forward, which I think is a part of the process of healing and forgiveness. Were you able to forgive your abuser?

“Yeah. It took a long time and this is horrible, but the second one was killed in a tragic, car accident and I, honestly, found happiness in that, which is not the person I am today because I like to think that I have empathy for all. I’ve forgiven them both.”

In doing that, did you have to be curious about what had shaped them as an individual and maybe what they had experienced in their life?

“Yeah. I don’t know how that can be environmental, a learned behavior, because of all the abuse victims that are out there. There are so many abuse victims, I think that it’s a sickness. I think that it is a sickness and, people that do that, need help. I’m not saying that they should be free, walking around in society, but that they need help. Locking somebody in a jail cell is not going to help them. They need to be supervised. There’s something going on that would cause somebody to do that. I think there’s some kind of mental disorder. It’s like a serial killer. They’re not doing it for fun. They may find fun in it, but there’s a reason they’re doing that and it’s probably something haywire in their brain causing them to do that. You would hope because if not, there’s pure evil.”

You talked about getting to a place of authenticity in your life and part of that was loving yourself. What did that look like to love yourself and to practice that?

“For me, loving myself was knowing myself, not judging myself, and accepting myself. Once I accepted myself, all the other things that are involved in loving myself just kind of fell in naturally. Loving the good and bad because we all have good and bad, and owning both the good and bad. This is not just about sexuality. If you’re not owning your bad traits, it’s the same as keeping them in the closet, pushing them right back there with all of the other skeletons. I truly believe that, as humans, we cannot heal until we accept and embrace, and then the healing process starts.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal from abuse and trauma?

“I do. Like I said, it’s never going to go away, but once you realize that’s a part of who you are and you love yourself as a whole. Think about that, if you love yourself as a whole, that’s a part of you. In doing that, you’re loving that part of you, as well. It might not be a pleasant part, but it’s a part nonetheless. I think we have the capacity to heal and love. You have to recognize and fully embrace the good and bad to do so, and it looks different for every person. There are similarities in healing, but it’s going to look different for every person.”

I’m guessing that part of your healing right now is probably talking about this and sharing the story, knowing that somebody else who’s experienced something similar or felt your emotions could benefit.

“Yes. This is very therapeutic. It’s telling your story and knowing that there are people with similar stories. They might not be dealing with it as you are, but the more that you put your story out there, maybe somebody can grasp on to how you’re dealing with it and provides them a level of solace that they wouldn’t have had. Yes, talking about it is very therapeutic. It’s important to do, but you have to be doing it in an authentic way. When I was going to therapy, I was telling him part truths, but I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Unless you’re telling your whole truth, there might be some benefit gain, but it’s a band aid. It’s not embracing your truth.”

In imagining the next relationship you have, knowing that the second phase of your relationship is pushing away as things get more intimate and love comes into the picture, what skills do you hope you’ll acquire and learn to not do that again, to not push it away?

“I don’t know if there is a skill that I can acquire because it’s more of a feeling, and it’s communication, just making the person aware, “hey, this is likely going to happen, this is my past, and this is my story” and asking for patience. I think when the right person comes along, patience will be there. I don’t think that that will ever change because that’s a part of who I am, and that’s a part of the process of me falling in love. That’s my story, and I think me embracing that and owning that, when the right person comes along, it will work.”

Have you been able to communicate that with past lovers?

“I have and, each relationship I’m in, there’s progress. All one can do is communicate.”

I think communication and patience is essential, and no judgment.

“That’s the type of person you want to be with anyway.”

True.

“This whole chapter of my life is kind of like a guiding light. It’s kind of guided me to where I’m at. I wouldn’t be sitting here had it not happened. You kind of have to take your tragedies and turn them into a guiding light that leads you on your journey.”

Would that be your advice to somebody who was listening to or reading this that is struggling with accepting who they are and where they’ve been?

“Yeah, open the door, introduce your demon, and have a conversation with it. Introduce your demons to everyone because they might have similar ones and there’s nothing that’s happened to any human being that they should be ashamed of ever because that’s just a part of who they are. If you’re ashamed of that, you can’t love yourself. You might partially love yourself, but you’re not going to fully love yourself.”

Shame is similar to cancer. It doesn’t stay where it starts, it spreads into other areas and relationships.

“It festers.”

What do you think is the antidote to shame?

“Several come to mind … love, transparency, acceptance. I think light, finding your inner light, and letting it shine has the ability to wash away any shame that you have.”

Do you have a favorite quote, mantra, song lyric, or piece of advice that resonates with you that you’d like to share?

“Yeah. There’s a Riba song, ‘One Promise Too Late.’ I’ve been listening to this song since I was a child, but didn’t realize it until after I came out and started going through the problems in my relationships with intimacy this line she was singing in this song and I was singing to myself: Where were you when I could have loved you? Where were you when I gave my heart away? All my life I’ve been dreaming of you, but you came along one promise to late. That’s the progression in my relationships. When I finally get to that point where I’m loving myself and accepting and embracing the intimacy, it’s usually too late. It’s amazing how a song and the meaning of a song can change depending on where you are in your life.”

Absolutely. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me today?

“It feels amazing. I think every time I share this, it’s like I’m shedding skin of the past and I become lighter. It makes me realize that I’m okay, I’m moving in the right direction, and I’m not moving backwards. I’m building my life based on my truth, and that to me is the most empowering thing to do. It doesn’t matter what your life looks like, you’re living your truth and, whatever you build around it, is okay.”

Do you think it’s possible that sharing your story with me today could potentially inspire or give hope to somebody that’s listening or reading this?

“I’d like to hope that it will. I think that it can only do good, that’s the intention that I set, and hope that it does. When I listen to other people’s stories, heartaches, and hardships, I know that I find inspiration and comfort. So, yeah, I hope this does the same.”

Thank you.

#sexualabuse #metalhealth #healing #vulnerability #therapy #intimacy

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