#it's not even funny how many ideas i have relating to thaw...

[ifievertoldyou]

the autistic urge to pick up animation just so i can draw thaw characters to tiktok sounds....

[inventors-fair]

Let’s Talk Flavor: Commentary

I would say overall that most of these cards were fantastic and a great number of the story ideas were good. There will be parts where I suggest edits, and the thing about story edits is, well, it doesn’t impact game design. That’s the thing about the Fair and the thing about Magic in general: the whole thing could be replicated with number systems and program lines and it would be the exact same. It’s the fact that a creature has Flying, or that a spell is made of Lightning that makes the game exciting. This was an interesting experiment. 

Let’s talk about cards!

@ace-hobo​ — Captain’s Wrench

This is a perfectly fine card. I like the “fixed” Voltaic Key style, the moderate power level. It’s a card that someone would probably be middling in artifact decks but fine in budget builds. I’m sort of feeling an Ixalan vibe, maybe with a little steampunkishness. I get that the wrench belongs to De, but it’s a little confusing regarding why they have the wrench. If they’re the captain and they’re not in the engine room, why is the card depicting a tool that would suit them better if they never left the engine room? Maybe the story should be about how DESPITE their captain status, they spend time in the engine room. It’s an easy enough tweak.

@cas-420 — Boiling Blood

The card is pretty good. It’s very aggressive and has synergistic potential. I really don’t see where the flavor is tying into it. I am favorably inclined towards your text, in concept. I can see where you were making the pun on “execution.” The wording is clunky with the repeated syntax, and could have just used the execution line. But what does that have to do with the card? The flavor evokes dissent, protest, retaliation. The flavor of the card evokes speed, purpose, initiative. It’s not a perfect tonal match. I would save the text for a different card with a clearer purpose

@dabudder​ — Wisdom of the Tides

In terms of card wording, I believe you’d be looking for something like Mysteries of the Deep, where you have an “instead” wording — unless you’re supposed to draw an additional card after? It’s a little confusing how you have it now. Still, Flourish is a fine mechanic, executed well. This was pretty close to being a runner-up. I like the nod towards crabs. We’ve been having a crab mood lately. Overall, not bad. Might need to be four mana, but that’s me being cautious.

@deafeningsandwichpeach​ — Jyska, Artificer Overlord

The name is probably the best thing about this card, and it’s fair enough for a legendary creature. Considering that this is essentially the Nim ability from original Mirrodin and that it’s a vanilla creature otherwise, I would contest that you’re severely overestimating the power level of this card. It’s not as strong as it seems. In terms of flavor text, this is basically exposition. I won’t dissuade you from story-rich cards, but there’s too much information presented in a manner that overloads the reader. Simplify, punch, beat, punctuate. In terms of presentation, the whole block should be in quotes, and you don’t need to attribute the quote if the character’s on the card itself.

@demimonde-semigoddess​ — Thaw

Great name, great snow flavor. I can see this in the tundra wastes, something emerging from the snow, bursting out. I had to do some digging. As it turns out, “gelid” is a real English word I had no idea about! I thought from the shackles and your flavor text that it was some Coldsnap lore. In terms of the text itself, it’s not bad. It’s just that the two statements are somewhat disconnected. They work both on their own, but together, they don’t gel well. Still, bonus points to mechanical flavor for an anti-ice feel.

@dimestoretajic​ — Phytotemple

The card is pretty funky for an uncommon, pushed but not busted. I’d call it a pain in the butt but no more than Wayfaring Temple. Ah, I see, the wayfarers, an homage. But there’s a lot I don’t understand. Who lost the wayfarers? Who’s saying this quote? Why did the phytotemples start appearing in general? Did the original wayfaring temples break into them? What does Selesnya have to do with construction crews? How is that related to the phytotemple’s physiology and motivation? Most importantly, why is there a street named after a Selesnya dissident? I think you should have focused on one specific area of the card’s backstory.

@emmypupcake — Bloom Nurturer

I was really surprised that there wasn’t a card already named this. In terms of card wording, look at High Tide or Bubbling Muck; I think it would read “Until end of turn, whenever you tap a Forest for mana, add an additional G.” The quote doesn’t light my world on fire, but it fits well and reads well. Just remember to indent the attribution with shift+enter. Overall? Good enough.

@fractured-infinity​ — Shara, Skalla Vengeant

I had to do a little digging, but I like how you incorporated Vivien’s lore in here. That said, Skalla is also, well, destroyed, presumably forever. Where did the spirit come from? Is it wandering around Skalla? In that case, did Vivien go back? Why? That raises a couple questions. In terms of this card, it’s broken. In anything but the most pushed Commander formats, it’s three mana to deal seven damage to any creature you want with minimal repercussions. Any prevention makes her impossible to deal with. In limited, she would sweep unfairly.

@ghost31415926535 — Man-Eater Wurm

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the flavor bar being in the middle of the line. That’s my bad. Let’s talk about the rest of the card. In concept, it shouldn’t be too overpowered. But deathtouch and trample together create complex rules baggage that many casual players simply don’t understand. Nine times out of ten, they’ll never be printed together. Seeing that this is exactly how you submitted it, consider for next time: Only the first keyword needs to be capitalized in a string. Something like Unearth needs its own line. The flavor text is standard enough. Just remember that quote attribution also needs its own line.

@gollumni​ — Gives You Hell

I love the name here. I got that All-American Rejects song stuck in my head now. Remember that one? Anyway. Firstly, you don’t need to put “target” there; “Enchant creature” implies it. Secondly, and least importantly, don’t forget you can add watermarks in MSE! Thirdly, the flavor text. I get it, but it doesn’t flow great. If there was some wordplay to be done on fire-spitting and whatever turn of phrase you used, like, “spitting poison” in the literal sense — I don’t know, I just expect something a little more concise. It’s a great concept and has the potential to be very funny, so points there. Also, the card itself? Fantastic.

@greensunzenith​ — Decorated Demon

Liking the name. I don’t like how this card has to be a rare. It’s more of an annoyance than anything. It feels like a card that prevents decisions. It’s not aggressive, nor is it particularly interactive. Conceptually it works, but I’m not in favor. The flavor text is a bit of a head-scratcher. The real question is: who is giving demons sigils? How do they become redeemed? On what world CAN demons become redeemed? This isn’t a Bant thing, is it? I’m a little lost as to the specifics, since it doesn’t play into any tropes and doesn’t inform the world in a recognizable way.

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes​ — Goblin Decorator

If the flavor text had simply been, in quotes, “Earwigs would go so well with that wallpaper!”, then this card could have been a runner-up. Also, this should definitely be an uncommon. The effect is awesome and powerful and annoying and plays into a variety of strategies. Still, the flavor text is just...too much. It’s a lot of text that tells a story that doesn’t really need to be told. We get enough from the name and that last sentence, combined with a fun ability that matches the card. That’s all we need! Gotta simplify.

@ignorantturtlegaming​ — Dust, Revenant Force

For future cards, I would highly recommend reading up on design philosophy, what Magic’s colors are about, and how cards come into being. There are a lot of questions that this card raises, and a lot of things that need to be edited.

Green doesn’t get first strike, certainly not mono-green.

Why does this card cost five green mana? What does it provide for the limited/constructed environment?

It should be “Fox Warrior.”

The first thing about the flavor text is that there is far too much of it. It’s exposition for exposition’s sake. Fine in a high fantasy short story, but not on a Magic card.

The second thing about the flavor text is that Dust appears to be a white-aligned character through their actions and themes. I don’t feel anything green about them.

@juggernaut-is-a-metalhead — Devil’s Payment

I’m going easy on card art attribution since, well, it’s Disney and they are indeed evil, but in the future, please attribute it to the show itself and/or the director/copyright holder. So, the card itself. Is it supposed to be a common? Is it an homage to Cruel Bargain and Infernal Contract? This certainly isn’t a common effect, and for one mana, well, I don’t know what to say about this card. In terms of the flavor text, why is everything separated in lines like a poem? It’s way too long to fit into a card with three lines of rules text already. I don’t really understand what it’s even trying to say. The devil asked for the MAN’S youth. What does that has to do with his own? And why is it only sometimes capitalized? I don’t really understand this at all.

@koth-of-the-hammerpants — Hidden Bombardier

Great name. For the card text, it’s powerful, arguably fine in the right format, but very strong regardless. It also needs to say “It deals 3 damage” instead of just “Deal.” Gotta get past the 90′s, erryone. So now, the flavor text... I kinda get it? I just don’t understand what makes this card a shapeshifter. I don’t understand the world in which shapeshifters exist. This card feels like a Goblin. It’s an interesting kamikaze take, if a little too flowery and on-the-nose. It doesn’t exactly inform me, and it doesn’t exactly excite me.

@mardu-lesbian​ — Ballynock Adoptee

I had to look up to make sure that there were dwarfs on Lorwyn, and by golly, you’re right, there are! In RW hybrid in Eventide, anyway. And that brings up to a major story problem. By the introduction of dwarfs, the world has already plunged into Shadowmoor, and the thoughtweft has already been replaced with the mindweft. I’m stealing this from the wiki, so berate me if I’m wrong, but I always got the sense that the kithkin were highly xenophobic regardless of where the Great Aurora was. The jarring question that remains is: how does a non-kithkin creature become part of the thoughtweft/mindweft? It goes against what we know about the Kithkin and the world in general. If there’s a good explanation, I’m all ears, but I’m not convinced at this point in time.

@mistershinyobject​ — Phenax’s Messenger

Bonus judge trivia time: I studied Latin in high school and a little in college. From what I can tell about The Callapheia from other cards bearing it’s flavor text, it is meant to evoke classical poetry from Greek and Latin epics. The lines are written four at a time, indented carefully. HERE is a link to all cards with “Callapheia” in the flavor text. The gist is, this card does NOT evoke that. There’s a lot of text, a lot of quotes, a lot of forced story that could have been way punchier if you just had stuff about a snake eating a prophet. I love the card as a limited filler. But yeah, gotta do more research into what it means to have certain aspects on your cards.

@nicolbolas96​ — Unpredictable Betrayal

You know, it’s hard to evoke Nicol Bolas well in flavor text. He’s one of Magic’s major villains, a huge face of many sets, with years behind him. And honestly? You didn’t do a half-bad job in this flavor text. Props! That said, this card is way busted. For one, double strike doesn’t affect fighting at all, so that’s...something. For two, it would need to be three sentences; you did a run-on for that last one. For three, mechanically? This is a two-mana spell that eight times out of ten will absolutely destroy two creatures you don’t control. In limited, that’s insanely powerful. In any format that plays creatures, that’s usually amazingly good. There’s a reason spells like Blood Feud and Clash of Titans cost what they cost. Getting two creatures you don’t control to fight is powerful.

@nine-effing-hells​ — Cairn to Athusis

Actually, this card was one of my favorites from the contest. I’m a heavy Gruul player when I’m not playing cruel control, and I think the gist of this card is super interesting. You made it an enchantment artifact AND a shrine, giving flavor there as well to your new world. The only thing I would have changed is erasing that first sentence from your flavor text entirely. The second is so powerful that it stands on its own. It’s poetic without being overwrought, specific to the world and building off of known tropes. Also, it tells us that “orcs are RG in this world” which is a great mechanical touch. Just needed that little bit of trimming.

@real-aspen-hours​ — Deflect Consequences

Now this is an interesting card!... What practical use does it have? I’m curious what this has on something like Harmless Offering. I don’t believe that cast triggers will be affected. Maybe it would specifically go against things like “counter target spell you don’t control” or something, but if control changes... I’m uncertain of this card’s applications past the gimmick point. That said, it would be fun to cast a Leveler and have it enter the battlefield under an opponent’s control. I’m not in love with the flavor text. It’s fine. Doesn’t light my world on fire. A touch wordy. But it’s fine. Fits the name and the ability well, so that’s nice.

@reaperfromtheabyss​ — Inconquerable Alseid

Besides the fact that “Hope” should be lowercase and separated by a colon, the flavor text is really cool! I don’t like this card much. It’s honestly fine, and it’s an interesting commander card that could lead to some cool consequences, but there’s a reason Undaunted has reminder text. It doesn’t look good floating there by itself. There are some abilities that just need reminder text all the time, and Undaunted is on so few cards that it significantly needs this. I think I was a little too harsh on this card on my first go-around, but I haven’t warmed up to it yet. I think the great flavor could have been used on a simpler, more protective card.

@scavenger98​ — Kadalla the Scornful

I’m 99% sure it should go “First strike, deathtouch, haste.” Order of keywords is weird sometimes. So are creature types. I don’t really understand the world on which an Elf can be Mardu colors. It’s a stretch of the imagination to say the least. The card itself is...fine? I’d honestly make her an uncommon in today’s world. Yeah, she’s powerful, but she’s a 2/1 for three with all different mana symbols. Regarding the flavor, it’s well-worded, but it’s lengthy and doesn’t actually tell us anything about the character or the world. It doesn’t inform the card, and that’s its major misstep. Again, though, good writing.

@shandylamb​ — Multani’s Offspring

A fine card, a funny flavor. Just so you know, though, “Saproling” is pretty much only relegated to the token, and this card would probably see print as a plant or fungus. And additionally, as nice as the pun is... What’s this card even trying to say in the story? Multani’s only known child is Muldrotha, and that’s deep lore as-is. As funny as this card might be, it really doesn’t mesh with a Magic feel.

@starch255​ — Unscrupulous Horpske 

There are only two things I’m concerned about. Firstly: what about this creature makes it “unscrupulous?” What scruples does it have normally in its species? Secondly, this card is trying to make potato salad canon in the multiverse, and I don’t know if such a travesty would be allowed to happen. Potato salad is an affront to taste, no offense to the horpske.

Literally everything else about this card is a 10/10. I would also encourage you to work on a set symbol. Everyone should!

@teaxch​ — Hidden Seers

Interesting. So what timeline is this? Is this supposed to be, like, a return to Tarkir? Cool concept, I think, although I’m not entirely sold. After hearing the shaman’s whispers, why is Surrak’s first instinct to assume that without dragons a human would lead the clan? Wouldn’t the thought of a world without dragons evoke other thoughts and fears first? That’s my main hand-iffy-motion reason. This is also a supremely petty nitpick, probably the pettiest thing I’ve ever said about a card, but if this is the Dragon timeline then wouldn’t the watermark be the Atarka one instead of the Temur one?

@tmstage​ — Apostasy

Everything about this card is good...individually. Great name, but what does that have to do with the ability? What is it trying to depict? What does shuffling your library have to do with religious dogma? And the flavor text feels overbearing. Nykita as a character is someone I’d like to know more about, but this card doesn’t tell me much about her. It’s mostly that the mechanics and the flavor don’t mesh in the least, and, well, it’s not a good mechanic. Shuffling is time-consuming, game-prolonging, and has no discernible benefit to the game outside of incredibly niche cards that mostly don’t affect you as the player. And the more I read the flavor text, the less it makes sense. “Allow the world to deform your flawed notions?” It sounds awesome, but what does it mean?

~

Thank you all for your submissions. New contest tomorrow. 

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

Meta about why the Captain Americavideos make you sad? 👀

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this at all or not, but I definitely haven’t talked about it in detail, so–

the whole context is that it’s basically a joke, right? obviously it’s relevant to Peter because of all the Civil War stuff but for the most part it’s there so audiences can laugh at a fun cameo. because, I mean, it’s ridiculous–in part because we know Steve as a badass action hero and here he is doing these unbearably lame PSAs for high schoolers, and partly because of things like “what’s REALLY cool is following the rules, and I know this because I’m the guy who regularly breaks all of them”. there’s definitely some secondhand embarrassment if you like Steve, but it’s still funny.

then you get to the little bonus scene where he interrupts himself with something like “how many more of these are there?” and it’s still funny in a different way because now he’s sort of in on the joke, but at the same time it’s like…he’s tired. he’s not having fun. he doesn’t especially want to be here, doing this, even if he thinks it’s more or less a good cause and a good use of his time (debatable). he’s going along with it and he’s going to record all these stupid PSAs because he said he would but he would really like to be done now, please. and, you know, that’s enough to make me feel bad for the guy. but then if you consider the actual context–

he’s wearing the Avengers 1 suit, right? he gets that suit in Avengers 1, and by the time we see him again in The Winter Soldier, he’s working with SHIELD and wearing a different, much less flashy suit. so we can probably assume the PSAs were filmed fairly shortly after Avengers 1 and before he joined SHIELD. and part of Steve’s whole thing is that he’s the man out of time, so he’s always somewhat out of place, set adrift, no matter what else is going on, but at that particular point…he’s only been thawed out for a few weeks. absolutely everything he knows has changed. all his old connections are gone and his new ones are tenuous at best. he doesn’t know what he should be doing, and he definitely doesn’t know what he wants to be doing. Sam asks him “what makes you happy?” at the beginning of The Winter Soldier, and Steve gives him that horribly sad, self-deprecating smile and says “I don’t know.”

everything is different. he has no idea what he wants to do with his life, he’s struggling even to know what the right thing to do is, so in the absence of knowing either of those things, well…there are always other people who are pretty sure what they want him to do. one of the criticisms I saw leveled at Avengers 1 was that Steve was out of character, because he seemed too uptight and said things like “we have orders, we should follow them” and “was that the first time you’ve lost a soldier”, compared to The First Avenger where his default position was “I will fight ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE who gets in the way of me doing what’s right”.  but he addresses that in the same conversation with Sam, something like “I tried to get back into it, follow orders…” and that wasn’t any good either, but he didn’t know what else to do.

so when somebody, probably the Department of Education or something similar, came to him with this cool idea about Relating To The Youths by making these awful PSAs, well–he did the dancing monkey thing before, right? he hated it but he didn’t know what to do with himself and nobody really knew what to do with him, and people told him it was for a good cause, so he swallowed his pride and did it. the videos are another form of the exact same thing, and just like last time, he agreed to make himself look ridiculous for a theoretically good cause, largely because he had no idea what else to do. because he was completely unmoored, because he didn’t know what he wanted or what he should be doing or even what made him happy, because he didn’t have anything or anyone else, because doing what he’s told and making a fool of himself to help people is at least a little bit familiar.

he figures himself out a bit when he joins SHIELD, probably, or at least that gives him some sense of purpose and direction even if he’s still depressed, but honestly? those videos were made at what was probably one of the lowest, most directionless points of his extremely weird life, and it’s possible they wouldn’t have been made at all if he’d felt even a little more sure of himself, his place in the world, and his ability to choose the right thing and do it. and once that context occurred to me, yeah, I started mostly seeing the PSAs as sad rather than funny.

[fenrys-moonbae]

A Bright Star in Centuries of Darkness--Chapter 4

Eleanor had been avoiding the male like the plague, skirting around him in the palace like a mouse desperately fleeing a hunting feline.  She’d been at this since their awkward exchange days prior when he’d come to check on her and she’d halfheartedly muttered her thanks before claiming she felt faint and shooing him out.

Not that he’d been seeking her out; on the contrary, he’d been a right gentleman about respecting her space.  She hadn’t caught a glimpse of him since that night, and she fully intended to keep it that way until he departed.

Grousing internally, she pulled her scarf about her shoulders and frowned.  Men weren’t allowed to be that endearing, weren’t allowed to be that sincere and certainly weren’t allowed to be that pretty.  He should have been a ripe ass, full of ego and entitlement like the other men she’d had the misfortune of knowing.

It was unnatural.

Walking briskly, she slipped into the hallway and down the stairs, taking them two at a time as she shuffled toward the kitchen hoping to snag a tray of tarts and some stew before lunch was served.  She’d been skulking around in the shadows, only leaving her room when she was certain she could avoid running into anyone.

As far as Glaston was concerned she was still recuperating, healing from her unfortunate accident and unable to handle company and therefore free of her hosting obligation.  Even as gossip ran rampant through the palace like a pox, every recollection of the tale growing grander and more outrageous.

These retellings had included such nonsense as the fae soldier having faced fifty feral boars with nothing more than his bare hands to protect their dear and precious princess.  Eleanor had nearly wept when the tale had cycled back to her, Evalin in fits at the absurdity of it all as she recounted all the stories she’d gleaned.

Eleanor noted that it was most unfortunate they did not possess a moat in which she could drown herself and be rid of such nonsense. Perhaps if she died she’d return as a banshee, wailing her woes and drowning the servants who kept the wheel spinning.  

They’d learn to stop moving their lips then.

Eleanor was nearly to the kitchens when she heard the tap of footsteps and cursed as she glanced around. What if it was Gavriel?  She could not bear to face the male any more than she could bear to sit through another of Dennor’s nasally speeches.

Quickly she darted to the great window on the left of the hall and slipped behind the golden curtains, pulling the thick fabric around her.  Surely even the fae warrior wouldn’t notice her if she remained entirely still and held her breath?

She waited several long seconds, breathing slowly as she heard the footsteps pause before rapidly approaching.  She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head to the side as the curtain was torn back away from her.  She could just pretend she wasn’t there---

“Elle, what in hell’s realm are you doing?” She peeled open one eye, relieved to see Evalin holding the curtain back instead of a certain golden-haired male.  She deflated.

“I was dusting!” She ran her hand over the window, already immaculately scrubbed.  “See? Good as new.” Evalin narrowed her eyes in a way that assured Eleanor that she didn’t buy into such nonsense for a second.  “Are you still hiding from our guest?” Her cousin pointed a lovely finger at her slippers.  “A word of advice: if you’re going to hide, do so in a way that your shoes aren’t sticking out from the bottom of your hiding spot.” “Did you ever consider that the curtains may have started wearing shoes?” Eleanor poked her head out from behind the curtain, glancing sidelong to ensure she and Evalin were alone in the hallway.  “It’s the newest in Adarlanian fashion, as you should know.” Evalin rolled her eyes as she dragged Eleanor out from behind the fabric.  “I’ll make sure to note it.  When was the last time you left the palace?  You look dreadfully pale.”

“Not since the incident, if that’s what you’re asking.  Do not fear, dear cousin, I’ve taken to the idea of becoming a cryptid, pale and monstrous, lurking through halls at night and preying on the innocent.” “Enough nonsense out of you,” Evalin shoved Eleanor forward, “you’ll go outside this instant, or so help me.” “Fine, fine!” Eleanor grumbled, stumbling forward as her cousin guided her toward the archway leading to the gardens.  “Might we grab tarts first?  I’m famished.” “You’ve eaten nothing but sweets for a week,” Evalin clicked her tongue.  “Too much sugar.  Get something with more sustenance.”

Eleanor rolled her eyes.

“Of course, Nan, forgive my ignorance.”

Evalin flicked her ear.

“Ow! Anneith’s bosom, Eva, I have need of that.”

“Then don’t call me Nan.”

She’d still snuck a tart regardless of Evalin’s lecturing after they’d taken an early lunch, nibbling on the edge of the pastry as they strode through the extensive gardens.  Many of the flowers were dormant with autumn beginning to take hold over the earth, but the gourds and changing leaves provided an easel of color for their enjoyment.

Eleanor sincerely hoped the winter might bring a rare ice storm, though with the temperate climate it was highly unlikely.  It did not stop her from wishing for it though.  She’d always had a love for the cold, for the scent of pine and snow she’d had the pleasure of experiencing once on a trip to one of the mountain estates that their family owned.

She’d always wished to live in it, to enjoy the brisk chill and warm herself by the hearth.  Not the continuous drone of heat and humidity that Wendlyn provided.   And perhaps she’d get the chance, if she chose to follow Evalin.  Gods knew she’d been getting her fill of snow when she went north to Terrasen.

“You’re going to become a queen of ice,” Eleanor murmured as she strolled lazily down the path next to Evalin, “encrusted in snow and holly.  We should add more fur to your wardrobe.” Evalin gave a small laugh, her slim shoulders shaking. “You do know there are summers in Terrasen, yes? It was quite lovely during my visit.”

“Oh yes, they brought you there to give you the impression of how lovely it is before it’s buried beneath heaps of frozen ice crystals,” Eleanor put a hand to her mouth, Ashryver eyes twinkling, “I do hope that Prince of yours will be enough to keep you thawed in the dark, frozen nights.  I have heard he is quite . . . delicate.”

A lie.  Eleanor knew just how athletic and strong the young Prince of Terrasen was, but what fun was acknowledging that when it came to teasing Eva?

“He . . . he’s just yet to grow into himself,” Evalin griped indignantly, giving a rare flush as she defended her husband.  “He’s very lean, mind you, and fast as an adder.” “Mm, excellent in a battle but agility will do little when you are turning into an icicle,” she finished off her pastry and dusted the powdery sugar off her fingers.  “You will be queen; however, you can always hold a tourney to acquire yourself a bed warmer.  Or two.”

“I refuse to be as uncouth as my dear aunt,” Evalin’s lips downturned, her features pinching.  “I have no intention of keeping men as pets for my own pleasures.” “Really? That’s the one thing I think that queen got right, I’d be quite content with a palace full of lovely, pretty men to do my bidding.” “Funny, considering you won’t even talk to one of those pretty males.” “Note the difference there, dear cousin, males not man.  I prefer mine mortal and capable of death. What point would there be if I couldn’t become a widow if the need were to arise?” Evalin stopped, looking incredulously at Eleanor.  “You jest.” Eleanor kept her face neutral, willing seriousness to her features even as she felt a smile creeping onto her face.  Evalin merely sighed and shook her head.

“Well, at least I shall never have to fear for your wellbeing.  I’m starting to think I should be more concerned for your future love, however.” “That would be the wisest course of action.” She winked at her cousin, who gave a breathy laugh in reply.

“Nonsense.  You speak nothing but nonsense.”

“Not nearly as much as the rest of the stuffy airheads in court,” Eleanor barely realized they’d wrapped around to the gardens in front of the palace, the training grounds stretching out before them where the palace guard sparred, the sound of practice swords clashing echoing across the grounds.  “Have you heard the newest deliberations?  Apparently, the latest argument is over whether the minstrels for the spring ball will wear blue or teal.  It’s preposterous.” “I’m not even certain Glaston could tell the difference between those colors,” Evalin mused, stepping over a loose stone on the path.  “He’s likely letting them bicker amongst themselves to buy himself a moment’s peace.” “Not a bad strategy, honestly,” Eleanor turned her attention towards the training grounds, hoping to spy some of the young and shirtless recruits training.  “It’s the sole bit of proof that we’re related to soulless husk he’s become.” “He has changed in recent years,” Evalin agreed, longing entering her eyes as she no doubt reflected back on her brother’s youth when he’d been nearly as fierce as the two princesses in the garden.  “Ruling has done him no favors.” Her voice trailed as though she thought to say more.

Eleanor took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.  A decision had formed in her mind as she spoke, one she’d been mulling over for the last few days when she’d confined herself to her room to wait out the rumor mill.

What better time to tell her than now?

“I assure you will never become so unbearably stuffy, it’s not in your nature.  Besides I will be there to shake sense into you if you ever start acting so foolishly.” She squeezed her hand once more, hoping to the gods her cousin understood.

Evalin wheeled on her, blue eyes sparkling at the implication. “You intend to come?”

Eleanor shrugged noncommittally, “I suppose Terrasen couldn’t be too dreadful,” she nudged Evalin gently, “especially if the men are lovely enough to enrapture someone as levelheaded as you are.”

Evalin took both of Eleanor’s hands in her own, true joy sparking across her lovely features.  “Swear it to me, swear you’ll come, and we’ll never have to be apart.” Eleanor rolled her eyes before conceding.  “I swear it, Eva, I’ll join you in your little castle of ice.” Evalin swept her into a hug that nearly squeezed the air from her, her cousin’s grip tighter than any vice.

“You have no idea what joy hearing that brings me,” Evalin stepped back, relief glazing her features, “to know you will be by my side.  I could ask for no better news.” “Don’t forget, Eva we’ll still have to break it to Glaston.”  Eleanor wasn’t exactly keen on telling her cousin and family that she’d be flitting off to a foreign land on a whim, especially when she hadn’t so much as asked their approval to do so.  “We might want to serve him several decanters of wine before we broach the subject.”

“We’ll make it work, I swear it.”

“I’m certain, but in the meantime,” she nodded toward the training field, “I would like to continue our walk and enjoying the view.”

Evalin gave a high laugh before linking arms with her cousin.  “Well, don’t let me keep you from your afternoon’s entertainment,” her voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper, “perhaps they’ll take off their shirts off if we’re lucky.” “That is the hope.” Eleanor murmured back just as quietly, her spirit lighter than it had been since Evalin’s engagement.  “If needed I can throw a bucket or two of piss on them to encourage it.”

Evalin snickered.

They quickened their pace as they trailed down the stone path, keeping quiet as they approached on silent feet.  The sound of swords clashing, and shouting grew louder as they approached, trying to keep their presences unknown.  How many times had they made this very walk as teens, feigning interest in their training when all they cared for were the bodies doing the training.

“Oh look, Captain Liam’s even joined the fray,” Evalin’s eyes were fixed on the man she’d held unrequited love for the better part of her teen years, a fleeting infatuation that had crumbled when Evalin came to the harrowing realization that said captain had a wife and a child nearly her own age. “Must be someone keeping him on his toes if he’s getting involved.” Eleanor rose slightly on her tiptoes, trying to see past the dark-haired Captain’s heaving back as he circled his opponent, the sword in his hand held tight, his movements calculated.  It must have been some new recruit with exceptional skill, she’d never seen the man so much as winded when he trained.

She leaned closer, willing Liam to move more quickly so she could get a peek at just who was giving him a run for his money—

She sucked a in breath of disbelief, her eyes glazing as she caught sight of Gavriel circling on the other side of the captain, looking all the world like a storm of seduction that had her clamping her knees together.  She hissed.  What god deemed it appropriate to give him a torso like that, rippling with lean muscle?  Even in his thin shirt she could see the panes of his taut stomach, smooth and no doubt glistening with sweat.

And his hair, pulled up in that half ponytail showing off that elegant jaw--

Were all the fae this forsakenly beautiful?

It was a sin for someone to be that damned attractive.  Tawny eyes flickered briefly towards her before focusing back on his opponent as the captain rushed him in his moment of distraction.

“By the gods, Eva,” she wheezed, her eyes trailing over the thin shirt that clung to his torso, “look at him.”  She missed the look of amusement that overtook her cousin’s features, even as her own eyes kept trailing toward the training warrior.  “He’s not real, I swear it to all the gods.”

She watched, transfixed, as he easily sidestepped Liam’s blow and matched it with one of his own, sending the Captain of the Guard flying.  Liam hit the ground with a resounding thump and let out a groan of pain.  Gavriel immediately sheathed his training blade ad strode forward to offer a hand to the grounded captain, easily lifting him to his feet.

Evalin clicked her tongue.  “He’s a bit broad for my taste.”

Eleanor’s dress suddenly felt too warm, too tight and chaffing, the words mindlessly tumbling out of her slack jaw as she murmured, “I wouldn’t mind if he walloped me like that.”

“Excuse me?” Evalin inquired, laughter coating her tone.  Realizing she’d said the words aloud, Eleanor snapped her mouth shut, heat racing up her cheeks.

“I mean training, perhaps I should ask him to train me,” she finished weakly, her knees wobbling a bit beneath her dress.  He was nothing but a menace in her life, a pest that needed to take its beautiful self back to Doranelle at the earliest convenience—

Gods, even the way he moved was enticing.  She watched as he strode for the table set beside the training ring, his thighs and backside lovely in his tight breeches, and lifted a pitcher of water and promptly dumped it over his head before shaking the excess water free, sending glittering droplets dancing into the late afternoon sun.  She nearly squealed.  She needed to leave right that moment—

“Come on, Eva,” she started tugging at her cousin, willing her to move as she dug her feet into the stone path beneath her.  “We should head back to the palace, go do some needlework or something, anything—”

“Why?” Evalin’s lips had quirked as she remained solidly rooted to the spot.  “He’s headed this way to say hello, I think we should stay and greet him.” “Eva, please—”

“Your Highnesses.”  Eleanor snapped her attention towards Gavriel as he approached, his tawny eyes alight with the rush from sparring, broad shoulders shifting beneath his now translucent shirt—had he no decency?  “I am glad to see you are finally well enough to be up and about, Princess Eleanor.” He stopped opposite the path and inclined his head toward her.  “I assume your shoulder is not giving you any trouble?” She swallowed, letting go of her hold on Evalin’s arm before turning to face him, scrambling for the words.  “It’s . . . fine.”

How terrible would it look if she just bolted for the palace?  She could claim she’d got a severe case of nausea, feign illness again--

“Good, I had hoped as much.”

“I see you’re training,” Evalin noted, nodding towards the training ring, something tightening in her voice, “I assume our training protocols are satisfactory to you.  I know they are vastly different than what you are accustomed to in Doranelle.”

Eleanor hadn’t expected the bite that came with the question, the way Evalin had straightened her shoulders as she stared him down.  It took her a moment to realize the reason for Evalin’s discomfort—she feared he was gleaning tactical information, noting their forces and their abilities.

Understanding filled Gavriel’s tawny eyes.

“Ah, you’re correct, Highness,” he nodded over a shoulder, looking almost sheepish as though he hadn’t thought about what he was doing.  “Some of the men asked if I’d be willing to show them a few of our maneuvers during my stay, I’d hoped to help them, and as I’ve had a large amount of free time . . .”

Even though it shouldn’t have, hearing the words from him gave Eleanor comfort, his tone lacking the manipulation and hatred she’d expected of one of Maeve’s personal soldiers.  It seemed Evalin felt the same as the tension fled her shoulders, her tone softening. “Then please continue, do not let our presence hinder your drilling.  I imagine the men are grateful for any instruction you have to offer them.”

“I’m happy to teach what I know.” He gave a polite smile, “It was a pleasure to see you both.”

“Likewise, my lord,” Evalin said with a curtsey, something like shame flitting over her features.  From the way Gavriel bowed graciously in return, Eleanor got the feeling he did not blame her for the suspicion.

Which was such foolishness, given that he was one of Maeve’s personal guard.

“And, my Lady Eleanor,” a nod to her, “might I expect to see you tomorrow for our early morning ride?”

Eleanor went rigid.  “Err, I suppose so.”

“Then I shall meet you in the stables at sunrise.” Another smile brightened by golden sunlight.  “Hopefully we can avoid any wild boars this time.”

@seekingformangoes

[theblessedwitch]

Arkham Asylum Survival Tips.

This is from my decaying Quotev account. I wrote this so long ago now, but I thought it might be fun to put it up here.

Arkham Asylum survival tips. As you know there are do’s and do nots to incarceration at Arkham here are some for a slight chance of survival.

Do not think singing the Batman theme song is going to result in any thing other than a painful expierance.

Touch Dr Crane’s books at your own risk.

Asking Edward Nygma if he wants to talk about his ‘daddy issues’ isn’t smart he will kill you.

Telling Deathstroke that Deadpool would totally kick his ass is grounds for immediate medication for talking about fictional characters again.

Flirting with Joker is a new level of stupid but be prepared for a blonde crazed Brooklyn women to try and kill you.

If you should escape and get access to the rogue’s confiscated weapons unless you hundred percent know what your doing don’t touch them and even then it’s likely they will hunt you down and kill you for the inconvenience.

Asking Bane who his dealer is isn’t going to get you any venom.

Please stop asking Copperhead if she can teach you swear words in Spanish, we do have Spanish speaking inmates and doctors it’s not a secret way to insult people.

Yes, Dr Crane is not the strongest person here this isn’t a go ahead to try and dominate him if he doesn’t get you back straight away then I’d suggest sleeping with one eye open for the foreseeable future.

If Edward Nygma should take a disliking to you giving him some puzzle books on the side isn’t entirely a bad idea.

Threatening ivy with weed killer doesn’t scare her, her 'babies’ are quite capable of looking after their selves.

Trying to persuade Selina Kyle to curl up in your lap like a kitten is your own funeral.

Shouting 'CROWS’ around Jonathan Crane just to try and scare him is going to result in a frightening death.

Asking Victor Zsasz to cut your food up for you is inviting trouble.

Asking Waylon Jones where captain hook is, will most likely end up with you missing body parts.

Touch Osito and you risk being broken.

Singing twisted fire starter at firefly may seem funny to you but God help you if he starts one.

Asking Edward Nygma what’s green, purple and black and regularly gets his ass handed to him by Batman is seriously stupid.

Telling Edward Nygma that he can use his Cain on you anytime he wants doesn’t sound sexual he will take you literally.

Asking if Crane wants a new test subject doesn’t sound sexual either he’ll gladly take you up on the offer.

Playing music aloud is permitted as one of your recreational activities but please be mindful of what you play as the last time someone played Justin Bieber aloud a fire broke out, a bomb went off, Bane smashed through two walls and Jarvis tried to initiate a flash mob.

Telling Harley you want to joke and fool around with her is in affect volunteering your head for a game of croquette.

Telling Jonathan crane that he is the grim reaper is only going to give him an ego boost.

Singing I’ve got a brand new combine harvester around Pamela isn’t wise.

If your not afraid of bombs then by all means scream capitalism on the top of your voice around Anarchy.

If you should be unlucky enough to draw the attentions of Jarvis Tetch then it is best advised to inform a doctor or guard and not to tell him your the reincarnation of the red queen or the jabberwocky he’ll take this just as seriously.

Asking any of the female prisoners for nudes may be asking for your phone to explode.

Telling Harley Quinn that vampires aren’t as good as werewolves will put you into a no exit lifelong debate.

Trying to flirt with any of the doctors and asking them if they want to start a 'mad love’ will mean that your doctors may have to be switched to the same gender as you and if you still persist then we will be forced to only use video connection to speak with you.

Asking Batman to bite you so you can join his legion of the undead is going to result in a neck brace.

Shouting to the Batmobile might end up with you being chucked under it.

If there is a break out it is advised to stay in your cell for your own safety and not to try to form teams of your favourite rogues.

Don’t think it’s funny calling Penguin happy feet or Mary Poppins.

Neither is calling officer Boyles Scarface.

Starting sleeve fights with your straight jacket is not their intended purpose.

Cash’s hook is not a kitchen utensil.

Although movies are permitted in recreational time there are some rules to when certain films can be shown as different inmates are effected by different things.

Neither of the Silent hill movies are allowed when Dr. Crane is present. Silence of the lambs is not permitted when Waylon Jones is present. Stephen King’s It isn’t allowed around Joker.

The Saw franchise isn’t allowed around Edward Nygma, he doesn’t need encouragement.

Tim Burton’s Alice in wonderland isn’t allowed when Jarvis Tetch is around, this should be common sense.

Most violence filled movies aren’t permitted around Zsasz, you don’t really need anything to trigger him.

If you find that Dr. Crane is taking a frequent interest in your personal fears and phobias you should immediately tell a guard or doctor and not tell him stupid made up fears and phobias as if he finds out that your lying he’ll make it his personal mission to make you frightened of your own lies.

It’s best to humour Joker when he asks if you want to know how he got his scars?.

Bragging about animal abuse is not only grounds for time being taken away from your recreational time but you may incur abuse from some of the animal loving inmates.

Instigating wheelchair races is not the purpose of the wheelchairs and is strictly prohibited.

Telling Jarvis that the ghost of Arkham is watching him sleep will earn you solitary confinement.

Writing riddles on the walls and then trying to blame Edward isn’t clever, because he will pick so many holes in your argument and ridicule you so savagely that your likely to end up developing a self inferiority complex.

Trying to steal Osito to sleep with at night isn’t going to end well. For anyone.

Please refrain from stealing medication as we regret to inform you that we believe some of them may have been tampered with, if you begin to laugh uncontrollably, start to feel that Jarvis is making sense or ten foot cockroaches are stampeding through the halls please tell a doctor or guard.

Asking two face to flip a coin for every mundane decision you make is eventually going to end up with your life being determined by a fifty fifty probability.

Telling Jarvis that the Grudge is looking for him is again not acceptable.

There are some patients that suffer from insomnia and stress induced sleep deprivation, if said patients happen to fall asleep then leave them alone it isn’t your place to be as loud as you possibly can to try and wake them up, it’s not just really annoying but it could result in them taking it out on the first person to wake them up, so just make sure it’s not you.

We would appreciate it if everyone who frequents the gym to stop trying to get Bane and Waylon to lift increasingly heavy weights, it always ends in competitions turning into fights.

Male inmates who try to sneak into the female showers please keep in mind that the last time this happened his remains was recovered from the drainage system.

And in relation any female inmates who try to sneak into the male showers…are actually non existent, seriously no one wants to go in there. O_O

Please check your personal toiletries before using them, apparently Joker and Harley has an ongoing bet to see which one of them can dye the most people’s hair.

Trying to play whack a mole on the other patient with Harley’s hammer is strictly prohibited.

Please refrain from laughing at Riddler’s green hair, it is being resolved. :?

The rumours aren’t true there isn’t going to be a 'trick or treating crazies field trip’ please try to remember your here for your own rehabilitation.

Hair dryers are very welcome but trying to thaw out Mr. Freeze with them is not.

Please remember that giving medication forms into the doctors that have been signed by either Harleen Quinzel, Jonathan Crane or Hugo Strange are not valid they are patients their selves, there are reasons to why they can no longer practice.

Trying to show Jarvis Alice madness returns the game is strongly discouraged.

please do not touch Nightmare or Craw.

No, you can not have your straight jackets in sparkly pink.

Upon apprehension some patients may have their own personal work on their person, trying to plagiarise or copy their life’s work is going to end up you experiencing the product of their work firsthand.

Please use the doors and not make new exits.

Your sinking to a new level if you ask Mr. Freeze 'is your wife giving you the cold shoulder?’.

Deprive people of caffeine at your own risk.

Music Meister will not sing for you, why would you even want him to?

Killer moth isn’t going to follow laser pointers, he only dresses like a moth.

Touch Harley’s J necklace at your own cost.

The spinach in the canteen is not part kryptonite, and if your stupid enough to try and throw it at superman as a deterrent then on your head be it.

Detective J'onn johnz is not an alien.

No, Vicky vale doesn’t want an exclusive interview with you.

Jack Ryder might have published a paper on his triumph over Floyd Lawton but Deadshot says otherwise.

No you can’t phone Amanda Weller with your phone privileges and ask her to 'sign me up for the suicide squad!“.

Robin doesn’t have to sign in as a minor, stop insisting he does.

Bruce Wayne will not adopt you.

Music Meister will not serenade you, he might perforate your eardrums but he won’t serenade you.

Joker really doesn’t like cream pies in the face, who knew?

No you can’t use Zsasz as a living tally chart board when your playing pool, he might return the favour.

Deathstroke will not teach you some 'really cool Army shit!’ He could possibly demonstrate some 'really cool Army shit!’ On you but he won’t teach you.

The last person to sing Miley Cyrus’s wreaking ball actually ended up squashed by one, I have no idea how they pulled it off but they did, really creatively too.

Yes security levels at Wal-Mart are better, we all know.

Ichobod is not Jonathan’s real name.

Green arrow isn’t looking for maid Marian.

And no he’s not from the legend of Zelda either.

It’s quite easy to swipe Boles’s burbon. Just don’t tell him I told you.

Trying to lift Catwoman up like the lion king isn’t going to work.

Oswald isn’t pingu.

No you can’t redecorate your cell, it’s not meant to be homely.

Bribing the staff isn’t advised but we all know you could probably get away with it.

Batman isn’t into BDSM.

Ra’s al ghul isn’t going to die if you throw salt at him, you might though.

please be kind, I know it’s not the best written piece in the world. I’m resitting my English and maths and trying to improve by writing the subjects I like.

[krakenator]

Chapter 17 aka “Dune”

SPOILERS are sprinkled around extremely liberally for The Property of Hate

Masterpost here

RGB: oh fuck

That’s… that’s actually really neat. We get confirmation soon that everything in this world has color as blood, not just RGB. So, you can actually see it in this tree stump- idk if that’s how sap actually works but it’s a cool as hell visual

That’s a neat way to highlight how FUCKING UNNERVED AND AFRAID RGB IS SEEING THIS BULLSHIT

Oh fuck. Oh that is really not good. Oh no. oh god it’s a domino effect. No trees means nothing is holding up the sea which means the darkness can’t do anything on its own. This is gonna ripple back to the market isn’t it. Oh god

With the sea collapsing like this, Click may get released from his watery grave quicker than imagined…

YIKES

Ok, at least it stopped and stabilized. For now. buuuut that particular exit is completely unusable now

HEY WAIT A MINUTE *rewinds a few pages* YEAH REMEMBER THAT HUGE SCHISM CRACK FROM REALIZING RGB’S MURDERED MANY HEROES AND BEING TOLD TO SHOOT HIM? Yeah that shits GONE now

How the fuck? That hasn’t happened before. Hero’s had to sleep to heal her schism in the past.

AND ITS COMING BACK? One page after they’re out of the darkness and that schism is starting to think about making a reappearance. WHY THO

CONSIDER THIS: darkness ALSO has healing properties? Whereas total Light will burn, scorch, and white you out from existence, total Dark will hide, conceal, and heal you.

Then again, Hero’s schism didn’t heal on her first journey through darkness to get to the Market

So... more likely it was something to do with their bonding in the last chapter, or- or even though the Nightmare gave her a bad scare, it is still technically a DREAM, and dreams whether they are nice or scary will still heal you up a bit? Interesting if true. Alternatively, the sheer proximity to that literal blockade of dreams was just so, many and potent that Hero didnt even need to be asleep for them to work a little magic on her

I still think I’m onto something about Darkness also having healing effects, however! Consider the evidence:

RGB was fucking WRECKED right before Negative come out to play way back in chapter 6. Just utterly destroyed. He was COVERED IN BURNS from being PUNCHED ACROSS A FIELD and then his circuits got ELECTROCUTED. But Negative doesn’t have any of those injuries, and neither does RGB once Negative has finished his job. Negative, confirmed to be Made of Darkness, heals RGB from whatever dumb-fuck nonsense he’s gotten into to make Negative have to step in

EVIDENCE #2: that black residue Hero leaves from being impaled on the sick tree. Just because RGB believes nothing they did contributed to the tree’s revival doesn’t mean that’s entirely true. If Hero somehow left behind a lil bit o’ Darkness in the tree, then maybe it might have thawed a little/slower on its own even without the Butterfly also melting away the [—–]

One last, slightly off-topic thing before we get back to continuing the actual chapter, people produce soft lights and flowers when they sleep, right? and those flowers fade away once they wake up. RGB’s never done that, but Negative spawns blue roses that break apart when he’s done his business. My point being... RGB doesn’t dream. If he only ever actually asleep when Negative is awake?

RGB’s overabundance of color comes into play once again

“this sand is stained by the blood of dead trees” wow I did not remember this section of comic being as metal as it is

Wait the fuck a minute. Hold on. Hold- hold on

RGB IS A FUCKING COLOR BLEED PUN

RGB’s explanation is great for why this place is littered with husks of vehicles, but let’s think about what else probably ends up here, all those objects of sentimental affection and names- laptops, favorite pens. stuffed animals! The Sands are like a junk yard. and things occasionally get washed into the Sea, or the Sea washes them up here... just a cool cycle overall

SPECTACULAR TEAMWORK LOVELIES KEEP IT UP

back on the schism- its definitely much better than when they left the Market, but worse for having exited the Darkness. its more of an impression of a dip that a gaping wound right now

OH. So, yeah the sun piece will probably run into its brother whilst in the ocean, but RGB’s right- it probably went there in order to be hidden over other reasons

BUSTED

RGB: you did WHAT? You SOLD your FINGERS? Without TELLING ME? What made you think you could go and do that, I would’ve handled it!!

Hero, remembering that time she saw RGB rip his whole hand off and give it to an owl he met 2 seconds ago: I mean…

Yo can we… talk about RGB’s entire train of thought (LMAO) here? That he’s upset about Hero trading away parts of herself but doesn’t really give a fig about doing the same to himself? He’ll sell off buttons or an entire hand, but Hero gives away two fingers for a friend and he’s upset that she didn’t let him know, because he’d have handled it? On one hand it’s very “adults being horrified at children having to take on responsibilities and experiences they shouldn’t have to” which I am always about, yet on the other hand I’m getting a “RGB really doesn’t value himself much at all does he” vibe and yikes my heart

Like, between the self-worth issues touched on here and “maintain illusion of control and confidence by saying big words smartly”- same fucking hat. RGB needs to stop being relatable

“saying HUGE words, just INCOMPREHENSIBLE LETTERS when angry” is also. Yup. That’s uh. That’s me. goddammit

...... for me, this is what i would personally call the Nightmare Scenario

YOWCH that looks like it hurt. At least the good news is RGB will be able to recolor himself over a bit of time. Not sure if he’s also able to regenerate indelible lineart, so… better just not have to find out

also; that’s literally a train of thought. Why’s it colored like Negative, though? Is this a train made of Darkness?

YUP it’s a Darkness-cloaked train- how fucking weird must this look on Hate’s side?

Fdhafjk I forgot, they have NO IDEA what happened to Click. Amazing

what.... in the fresh hell is going on in this panel

BUT, super interesting implication that Hate can’t LEAVE this place, and that without Dial to get audio, or him/the Butterfly to go out and interact with things, Hate is very hands-off

but honestly wtf is the slanted speechbox? “this side of the script”??? i love it but what does this mean

RGB points out that charging through the sands like this should be destroying it, yet it remains perfectly intact throughout all of this, even when BURROWING INTO THE LITERAL ERASING SANDS. Interesting implication that Darkness can’t be erased. Interesting implication that Negative would be entirely unaffected by sand as well

IS DIAL EATING POPCORN? HOW

Who wants to bet this is gonna be an inkwell

AND DIAL IS LET OUT OF HIS CAGE!

Who the fuck would be the third party that’s sent this hell-train out to scoop up and deliver our heroes to them? 

The idea that the kidnapper has at least once before been a kidnapee is just so funny to me. HOW DOES IT FEEL RGB??

(war flashbacks to THIS MORNING when RGB: broke into song, rocketed himself across the market via explosion and a slingshot, and wouldn’t stop making puns the entire time) my man is a ball of stress but damn if he isn’t able to react in the moment

The good news is RGB’s color regen process is pretty slick- his back’s already back to normal

Your humansona’s a real Jackie Chan madman isn’t he RGB. a real Tom Cruise motherfucker. Some Buster Keaton level shit.

I SHOULD SINCERELY HOPE SO, you’re wearing like TWO lucky objects on your person currently. If that can’t give you even a smidgen of stat-boosting...

now CHECK THIS OUT: it seems like RGB starts running into weirdness BEFORE he charges directly into the dream-infested car. A film-reel overlay effect, and lookit his hat-  negative stripes of shadow

Chiaroscuro: “the effect of contrasted light and shadow” created by light shining in weird ways and directions. interesting chapter title to use, uncle mod, on a chapter which has got the pure whites of the erased desert/Hate’s realm directly contrasted with tree stumps and this weird, darkness train

Don’t you hate it when you run directly into a gas cloud of dreams

So we got a jewel (a box?), white and black hands, the iron again, a teardrop shape, what might be RGB’s Mystery Button, all with film reels

And speaking of that iron, we also get the fiery sharp shapes again… which morph into S’s. it’s a sound. a SSSSSSSSSSS

I just had to go look up what an iron actually sounds like and… yeah. It makes an SSSS sound

Human RGB is… unfairly handsome. Of course he is. AND I SEE THAT TV IN ON THE LEFT MOD

Hey wait a minute

That’s not my bastard man

NOBODY in this comic has spoken in ANYTHING other than black or white colored text. and now here is this ancient MEMORY MAN speaking in ORANGE?

well actually the ‘co-worker’ is speaking in like really dark maroon? BUT STILL

“we split” has returned, 15 chapters later

The duality of these two title pages is really something- past and present getting whacked awake, the similar position present RGB has fallen to mirror past-human-guy, going from the Light of the memory to the Darkness of the train

ACTUALLY, RGB didn’t even LAND like that. he fall on the floor like THIS. he’s SHIFTED to reflect the decayed, old, deteriotated and fragile memory currently playing out in his head

AND CHECK OUT THOSE NEGATIVE-STRIPE GLITCHES! WOWIE! Lots and lots of foreshadowing to the upcoming Neggy appearance coming very soon to a screen near you!

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Taboo - Chapter Twenty Eight.

Tag list - @teggles07 @axcelo @fyeahproudglambert @jade-cheshire

“Everything looks as it should do, the development is at a completely normal rate and that heartbeat is good and strong too. Yep, that’s one healthy little baby you’re carrying!” Jade’s sonographer told her as she ran the doppler over her abdomen, pointing to the image on the screen of her baby.

“Did you hear that, honey? Everything is fine!” Jade told the screen image of Andy on FaceTime, Sebastian (who was off school sick with a cold) doing his best cameraman work by showing him the screen and pointing at the baby and then turning it back around so Andy could see Jade.

“I did, wow! I’m so damn happy right now,” he replied enthusiastically, the sonographer smiling on. She thought it was an adorable idea and had welcomed the FaceTime call completely so Andy could be there in a sense.

“I can also tell you the sex too if you want to know? Sometimes you can’t tell until the eighteenth or twentieth week, but it’s pretty clear,” she said, Jade looking at Andy questioningly.

“Yeah, I really do. How about you?” he asked, Jade nodding.

“I want to know too! Okay, go ahead,” she said excitedly.

“It’s a girl!” they were told, Sebastian’s reaction hilarious.

“Oh, man! Another girl? Dude!” he began, covering his face with his hand dramatically and making them laugh. “Andy, we need to stake out some territory in the house, have our own man cave so we can hide from the tribe of women!”

“I’ll get onto that as soon as I’m back, buddy. Promise!” he assured him through his laughter, dying at the look on Sebastian’s face. Aghast didn’t cover it. He’d been hoping on a brother ever since he knew his mom was having another baby.

After her hospital appointment (and making sure she took a close up picture of her scan to send to Andy) Jade dropped Sebastian around to his dad’s place, Alyona home from work in New York and kindly offering to look after him while Jade oversaw the removal team transporting Andy’s belongings from his apartment to her place. Of course, having a baby together meant they’d be moving in and Jade suggested she arrange this for him while he was away on tour, save him paying rent on a place he wouldn’t be using any longer.

“Oh look, so lovely and small!” Alyona gushed when Jade showed her the scam picture, giving her a big hug and kiss on the cheek. The chill she’d harboured towards Jack’s girlfriend had well and truly thawed in the last few months, the women now getting on together fantastically. “Does Sebastian need any medicine? I have some cough syrup from when Maya was sick a few weeks back.” She then asked, handing the picture back to Jade, who confirmed the medicine she already had was good enough.

“Ewwww, not that one, Alyona! It tastes like frogs feet!” Sebastian complained, pulling a face.

“And how many frogs have you been licking to know that, huh?” she asked, amused.

“Seventeen!” he yelled, making her laugh.

“Boy is disgusting!” she told him in a funny voice, tickling him until he yelled at her. “Say bye bye to your mamochka. She can’t hang around, she has a busy day ahead!” He gave her a hug before running through the house, leaving Alyona to say she’d get him fed and drop him home later that evening as she hugged Jade goodbye.

After she was done there she drove straight over to Jen’s place, who had been wonderful in helping her out already with packing away Andy’s belongings over the previous couple of days with the help of Katie and Scott too between clients. She was lending a further hand in helping her oversee the moving process, most of Andy’s things being piled up in a couple of the guest bedrooms, except for everything else he’d said she could let Goodwill have since he wouldn’t need it.

The move took most of the day, meaning Jade was absolutely exhausted by the end of it. When she wasn’t busy with anything work related she usually had a nap in the afternoon but today, no such luck. After providing a few snacks in the form of a bowl of chips for Jen and a couple of bananas for her, she gladly flopped down on the couch. Sorting all his clothes out and putting them away in his side of the walk in closest could wait.

Everything else he could do for himself when he got home. Still though, it was nice, having all of his things there. She just wished he was as well. She had two months until he was home but even still, she’d be a month on the road herself by that time, Andy only arriving back in LA for the weekend to get himself organised before flying out to join her on tour. She was so glad that long haul tours were a thing of the past now for her, the US schedule only taking six weeks to complete, Europe two weeks and the rest of the world the remaining four.

Taking the opportunity since they weren’t being followed around by the crew filming the documentary about the band that day, Jade had decided to find a cute, funny way to tell Jen about her pregnancy, one she sat waiting on as she ate her way through the bowl of chips she’d prepared for her. When she did, Jade could hardly keep in the giggles.

“Erm, waitress? There’s a baby in my chips!” she announced, pulling the sonogram picture from the bottom of the bowl. “No! For real?” she then added, looking shocked.

“Yeah, for real. Seventeen weeks as of tomorrow,” she replied, laughing as Jen still sat there looking shocked. Her giggles soon subsided though when she realised the shock wasn’t all that happy looking and more completely stunned and disbelieving.

“Oh my god! Dude! Don’t you think this is a little bit quick? I mean…well yeah, it’s so soon!” Jen exclaimed. Maybe it was her emotions, maybe it was the fact she was tired and this was the second person close to her who’d given a less than congratulatory reaction to her pregnancy, but it was enough to make Jade instantly burst into tears.

“Not you too!” she said, covering her face with her hands. Unlike her mom’s reaction though, Jen immediately felt awful for speaking the first thing on her mind, rushing across the L shaped couch to comfort her.

“Shit, me and my big fucking mouth! I’m sorry, babe. I’m just so surprised, I really am! I thought you were done with babies and then you drop the fact there’s a little bun in here on me, so I’m just like ‘woah!’ over here. Awww, I didn’t mean to make you cry!” she rushed to explain, putting her arm around her and giving her tummy a loving little stroke.

“That’s exactly what my mom said too, that it was too soon. I’m sorry for making you feel bad, I’m just a bit of a cry baby right now over everything,” Jade said through her sniffs, drying her eyes and composing herself before explaining it all to Jen. After hearing everything, she was definitely changed in her initial opinion, learning that they had no idea they’d be so successful in conceiving a child as rapidly as they had been.

“Well goddamn, Biersack got him some super sperm in those big ole’ balls of his!” she stated, making Jade burst out laughing loudly.

“Apparently so!” she laughed, resting her head on Jen’s shoulder as she continued to giggle, her friend wrapping her up in a hug and kissing her head.

“All I can say is this kid is going to be hella cute, with parents as stunning as you two pretty bastards,” Jen told her, smiling as she reached for her bowl of chips.

“Yeah, I’m guessing she will.” Two seconds later and Jade was deaf in her right ear.

“Oh my god, you’re having a girl? Eeeee, awesome!” Jen squealed, Jade’s eardrum throbbing from the decibels it just had blasted against it.

“I know, Sebastian is despairing already!” she laughed, remembering her son’s reaction at her sonogram that morning. Jen only stayed for a further half hour after that, having to get a move on as she was going out on a date with a new guy she’d met, leaving Jade to await Sebastian’s return after preparing dinner for her and her daughters.

She felt very warm and happy for the remainder of the night, until it all went downhill when Charlotte called her for a catch up chat. While Jen might’ve done a very quick turnaround in her opinion over her pregnancy, her rhythm guitarist sadly wasn’t as easily convinced. Just like her mom, she vehemently stated that she thought it was too soon and was worried she was rushing into all of this.

The call ended quite badly, with Charlotte saying she would worry regardless and thought she was making a huge mistake and Jade promptly hanging up, not prepared to listen to all of that again, no matter that she did know her words were coming from a place of caring.

It all felt very unfair to her, especially since Andy had called her via FaceTime that afternoon to see how things were going over at his old apartment, revealing to her that he’d told the guys in the band and they all thought the news was amazing. Jinxx had made them both laugh by yelling that ‘you need to tell Andy this baby is mine, it’s only fair he know!’ in the background while they’d been on the phone, Andy throwing things at him while Jade had died laughing at watching it all unfold.

She also knew he’d told his dad a little ahead of time as well, something she didn’t begrudge him over at all after he’d explained he needed someone to talk to and Jim had been nothing but pleased over the news. That just left her with a close friend who had blown up at her, a mother who was only just about speaking to her again and still very much thought she was rushing into things and a father who wasn’t entirely convinced either.

She felt under attack in a way, everyone seeming to question her rather than be pleased and share in her joy that she and the man she was deeply in love with were having a baby. She fully acknowledged it had come quickly, but it was what they both wanted, so where the hell was the harm?

‘You did this once before, don’t you at least want a little time to enjoy your relationship with Andy as it just being the two of you rather than have a baby get in the way of all that? It puts a strain on any relationship, but one this new? You can’t lie and say it didn’t with you and Jack when you had Jamie, come on you told me you felt like walking out on him half the time back then!’ She remembered Charlotte telling her on the phone earlier, shaking her head and trying to make her words vanish from her mind.

That was the scary thing in all of this. What if her doubters were right? What if it was too soon, what if it did break what she and Andy had? Suddenly, Jade began to feel a little bit of doubt creep in and cast a shadow over her happiness, no matter how much she wanted to dismiss it, drive it away with a big stick and yell at it to never come back. What if they were right and she wasn’t? As soon as she spoke to the father of her child later on in the evening via FaceTime though, those doubts vanished entirely.

“Hi beautiful, how you doing?” he asked her, sounding even sexier than normal since his voice was all raspy. Playing shows on average five nights out of seven had a habit of doing that, straining the vocal chords no matter how used to such a vocalist was.

“God, that voice. Stop it!” she began, making him laugh.

“Are we going to communicate in sign language tonight? That should be interesting since neither of us knows any,” he said, Jade laughing as she sat up a little more in bed. “So how’s your day been since I last spoke to you?” She filled him in on everything, Andy happy to hear he was all moved in at her place now even though he felt bad he hadn’t been around to assist, and also sad to hear there’d been a bit of an argument between her and Charlotte.

“I know she’s only saying it because she cares, I know that and I fully admit I shouldn’t have shouted at her or hung up in the way that I did, but I’m just sick of it, baby. I’m really fucking fed up with this seeming to be a common trend now, my mom first and now her assuming they know better than I do!” she told him, all exasperated again.

“Listen, you just have to keep in mind that’s exactly why they’re doing it. It isn’t because they’re undermining your ability to make a decision about your life, it’s because they care and sometimes it can come across as a little misguidedly heavy handed from the people who love us the most.” He was right, as usual. “I’m sure they didn’t mean to upset you. It’s probably more their stuff than it is yours, them thinking about how they’d act should it be them in this and not you. At the end of the day though, they can dislike it as much as they want to, it isn’t their lives. It’s ours. You, me and our daughter.”

“Our daughter, wow. It made it even more real, didn’t it? Seeing her today and finding out she’s a she,” Jade commented, smiling as she rested a loving hand on her stomach.

“Yeah, it did. I really wish I could have been there properly too. It was good with the little guy playing cameraman, but I feel bad that I’m halfway across the country right now instead of by your side. The next four days can’t go by quickly enough.” Jade was flying out to Ohio to meet him on the tour, specifically so she could also meet his mom and dad, which was when they planned to tell his mom and also pretend it’d be the first time his dad was finding out too.

She was very much looking forward to seeing him and meeting his parents for the first time, hoping of course that his mom took the news well, although she had heard from Andy that his mother did something have a habit of freaking out. Still though, Jade was optimistic, right up to the moment she met them and they revealed their news.

“Oh my actual god, you’re what?” Deb shouted, making half the restaurant they’d met them in turn around and stare. Oh no. Not again.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The decline and fall of Lindsey Graham, as told by his tweets

The bruising battle over Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination may be finished, but the political scars will last a lifetime. That is true for no one more than Sen. Lindsey Graham. 

Formerly a believer that a judge must be removed if he commits perjury, the Republican from South Carolina turned a blind eye to Kavanaugh's many demonstrable fibs. Formerly known for his bipartisanship, Graham elected to play the attack dog. (Curiously enough, this turn came after the Judiciary Committee's counsel started asking Kavanaugh searching questions about his history of drinking and partying.)

SEE ALSO: No, you weren't hallucinating Lindsey Graham's ferocious tirade

For Graham watchers, the hearings were the latest evidence of the senator's disturbing transformation from Never Trumper to Trump apologist. "What happened to Lindsey Graham?" is the question asked by three separate profiles in the past month. A New York Times columnist just dubbed him "the saddest story in Washington." 

Some commentators have pointed to the death of his good friend Sen. John McCain of Arizona this summer as a turning point for Graham. In reality, he's been sliding down this path for years. And the best place to witness his transformation — indeed, to glimpse the regression of the GOP as a whole — is via his Twitter account, @LindseyGrahamSC. 

First, let's remind ourselves of what Graham used to be like in 2009. In Obama's first term, he was to be found working with John Kerry on a bipartisan bill to put a price on carbon emissions back when Kerry was a senator: "Yes we can (pass climate change legislation)," the pair wrote in the Times. (No, they couldn't.) 

You can see the exact moment Graham realized his fellow Republicans were not as keen on Obama as he was. In the middle of a September 2009 speech to Congress, Graham starts to applaud the president's words on education, then suddenly thinks better of it. 

Graham didn't join Twitter until December 2011, and didn't start tweeting until March 2012. His first tweet thanked supporters for coming to a fish fry and vowed to make Obama a "one-term president." 

But nearly all his tweets were innocuous back then: bland statements of support for GOP candidates; approving reports of his visits to Google and Apple; a photo of his fashion choices on the links.

Enjoyed playing golf today with friends from Electric Co-ops of SC. They provide invaluable service to us. #sctweets pic.twitter.com/VhKdleAS

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) May 14, 2012

Graham announced his own bid for the presidency on June 1, 2015. He touted his experience, and compared himself favorably to Hillary Clinton in that area. But he was also careful to strike a note of civility and bipartisanship — one that sounds like it's from a lifetime ago, not a mere three years. 

To my friends in the other party: Our differences are real, and we’ll debate them. But you’re not my enemy. You’re my fellow countrymen.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) June 1, 2015

Donald Trump announced his candidacy two weeks later. Graham didn't even think it worth tweeting about. Nor did he mention Trump's comments calling Mexican immigrants criminals and "rapists." His first ever Trump tweets came a month later, after Trump denied that McCain was a "war hero" because "I like people that don't get captured." 

.@SenJohnMcCain, like every other POW, went through hell & has earned our respect & gratitude

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 18, 2015

That subtweet was immediately followed by a direct attack on Trump's fitness for office. 

If there was ever any doubt that @realDonaldTrump should not be our commander in chief, this stupid statement should end all doubt.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 18, 2015

Trump punched back by giving Graham's cellphone number out during a campaign speech. Graham's response was to bring a droll understatement to a knife fight.

Probably getting a new phone. iPhone or Android?

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 21, 2015

Still, Graham wasn't cowed; his attacks on Trump ramped up over the following months.

.@RealDonaldTrump unrelenting & offensive comments about @MegynKelly puts the @GOP at a crossroads w/Mr. Trump

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 8, 2015

Here's Graham's first actual joke at Trump's expense:

Donald Trump gets his foreign policy from watching television - the Cartoon Network. #CNNDebate #ReadyToLead

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) September 17, 2015

But when Trump called for a "total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States," Graham — like many of us — decided the reality TV star's campaign was no laughing matter. 

.@Realdonaldtrump has gone from making absurd comments to being downright dangerous with his bombastic rhetoric.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 7, 2015

The next day, Graham took direct aim at the MAGA slogan using his strongest swear word.  

“You know how you make America great again? Tell @realDonaldTrump to go to hell” https://t.co/pBLaZ1kgUV

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 8, 2015

The following week, Trump made an ominous statement of support for Russia's president. Back then, Graham considered it an even more serious foreign policy blunder. 

Just when you think it can’t get worse: A leading American candidate for President praising Putin.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 17, 2015

Graham dropped out of the presidential race on December 21, 2015, citing poor polling numbers. But that didn't stop him from attacking Trump in unequivocal language. 

Donald Trump is not a conservative Republican. He's an opportunist. He's not fit to be President of the United States.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) February 17, 2016

On February 20, 2016, Trump swept the GOP primary in Graham's home state, South Carolina. Shortly after, Graham and Trump got into the first of two Twitter spats. 

@realDonaldTrump I never got past 2%. You aren't prepared to be Commander in Chief of worlds finest fighting force https://t.co/7prb7ZdEVg

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) March 7, 2016

On May 3, 2016, Trump's last opponent with a shot at defeating him, Sen. Ted Cruz, dropped out of the race. Graham was in an apocalyptic mood. He posted a dire prediction to his party — one that remains his most liked, most talked-about tweet, even now. 

If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) May 3, 2016

Just nine days later, however, Trump won the delegates he needed. Graham posted this, and you can almost hear the gnashing of teeth. 

I had a cordial, pleasant phone conversation with Mr. Trump yesterday. I congratulated him on winning the GOP nomination for President.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) May 12, 2016

If anyone on Trump's campaign expected Graham to fall into line, however, they were disappointed.

Last night, if you were looking for competency Donald Trump fell short. #CommanderInChiefForum

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) September 8, 2016

A day after the infamous Access Hollywood tape was released, Graham again made his anti-Trump feelings clear. 

I have never been comfortable with Donald Trump as our Republican nominee.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) October 8, 2016

Name one sports team, university, publicly-held company, etc. that would accept a person like this as their standard bearer?

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) October 8, 2016

In the wake of three disastrous debate performances by Trump, Hillary Clinton was riding high in the polls. Graham's tweets indicated he considered Trump's campaign to be a lost cause. 

Keeping GOP in control of Congress is best insurance policy American people can take out against Clinton agenda.https://t.co/TSfHsgrl0F

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) October 24, 2016

Not even the last-minute bombshell of then FBI director James Comey reopening an investigation into Clinton's emails deterred Graham from making it clear on election day that he did not vote for Trump. 

In the prez race, voting for Hillary Clinton was always a non-starter and I couldn’t go where Donald Trump wanted to take the USA & GOP. #2

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) November 8, 2016

Instead the senator punched his ballot for a Republican running as an independent, Evan McMullin. 

I voted @Evan_McMullin for President. I appreciate his views on a strong America and the need to rebuild our military. #3

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) November 8, 2016

Even after a perfunctory statement congratulating Trump on his surprise victory, Graham remained cautious — particularly about Trump's relationship with Russia. 

I hope President-elect Trump won’t become the 3rd American president to misjudge Vladmir Putin.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 16, 2016

In the month after Trump's inauguration, Graham's tweets continued to be ambivalent. Reacting to a Trump proposal for a "border tax" on Mexico to build the wall, Graham tried to bring the funny by tweeting that it was "mucho sad." 

Simply put, any policy proposal which drives up costs of Corona, tequila, or margaritas is a big-time bad idea. Mucho Sad. (2)

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) January 26, 2017

Graham tweeted support for all Trump's cabinet picks, but also pushed for investigations into Russia's impact on the 2016 election — and cautioned against the first Muslim travel ban.

Ultimately, I fear this executive order will become a self-inflicted wound in the fight against terrorism.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) January 29, 2017

But if there is a pivot point in Graham's relationship with Trump, it arrived in March 2017. He issued a statement in support of the second travel ban, and had a White House meeting that seemed to thaw relations — to the point where he and Trump became phone buddies again. 

How good was the meeting with @POTUS? I gave him my NEW cell phone number.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) March 7, 2017

Still, Graham was prepared to defend Jeff Sessions against Trump's insistence that the Attorney General prosecute Hillary Clinton — even if the strongest word he could muster to describe this norm-breaking outrage was "inappropriate." 

President Trump’s tweet today suggesting Attorney General Sessions pursue prosecution of a former political rival is highly inappropriate. 4

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 25, 2017

When literal Nazis and Klansmen rallied in Charlottesville, Graham was prepared to attack Trump over his "many sides" statement. But he didn't dare tweet his complaints directly, preferring to link to a newspaper interview. 

Spoke with the media earlier today in Columbia about #charlottesville and steps forward.https://t.co/FFwxaUKDcj

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 15, 2017

Two days later Trump struck back at Graham directly, calling him "publicity seeking" and a "disgusting" liar. Graham then got into his second ever quote-tweet spat. In a non-threaded thread, he warned Trump that he was now being quoted approvingly by racist hate groups, implored him to "fix this" and said that "history is watching us all." 

Mr. President, like most I seek to move our nation, my state, and our party forward - toward the light - not back to the darkness. (1) https://t.co/K1j4JnhCgf

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 17, 2017

But by this point, Graham could not attack Trump without sending an approving tweet literally one minute later.

Your tweet honoring Miss Heyer was very nice and appropriate. Well done. (2) https://t.co/8I6LVMDXUy

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 17, 2017

Trump's announcement calling for a troop surge in Afghanistan the following week seemed to patch things up as far as the hawkish Graham was concerned. 

And then, a couple months later, the golfing began.

How bad did he beat me? I did better in the presidential race than today on the golf course! Great fun. Great host.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) October 9, 2017

Trump International Golf Club is a spectacular golf course. Great day of fun playing with @POTUS @realDonaldTrump. https://t.co/92Xjk8d8B2

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 10, 2017

Later that month, the supposed fiscal conservative Graham voted for Trump's deficit-ballooning trillion-dollar tax cut. By Trump's first State of the Union in January 2018, the senator was tweeting full-throated support for the "law and order president." 

President Trump clearly relishes being the Law and Order president and a strong Commander in Chief. Just what America needs!

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) January 31, 2018

In April, two years after predicting the GOP would be "destroyed" by Trump, Graham announced he was all in for Trump 2020. 

As to the 2020 presidential race, I believe President @realDonaldTrump will run for reelection and I intend to support him. https://t.co/vsExZ1XehG

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) April 19, 2018

The preemptive endorsement also marked a distinctive trend in Graham's tweets: Since March 2018, he has started using Trump's twitter handle. A lot. 

Happy Birthday, Mr. President! You’re keeping your promise to make America safer and more prosperous. And unfortunately for me, you’re doing all this without losing a step in your golf game!@realDonaldTrump #TrumpBirthday pic.twitter.com/PJRa54FVAP

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) June 14, 2018

In July, Trump's craven display of obsequiousness towards Vladimir Putin in Helsinki shocked the world. Graham had once considered Trump's support for Putin worse than his proposal for a Muslim travel ban. Now he merely described it as a "missed opportunity." 

Missed opportunity by President Trump to firmly hold Russia accountable for 2016 meddling and deliver a strong warning regarding future elections. This answer by President Trump will be seen by Russia as a sign of weakness and create far more problems than it solves. (1/3)

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 16, 2018

Even that mild display of dissent was erased a couple days later, when Graham credulously insisted Trump was not denying the conclusions of his own intelligence services. 

I have just been reassured unequivocally by the White House legislative team that the President’s ‘no’ response today to shouted questions was not intended to suggest that President Trump doubts the intelligence community’s assessment that Russia is continuing to attack....

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 18, 2018

Soon enough, Graham was couching his Russia criticism within a statement that he was "totally" agreeing with Trump. 

Totally agree with President Trump’s observation about Russia not being long-term pro-Republican or pro-Trump. Putin is pro-Chaos and is an Equal Opportunity Disruptor of the American electoral system. Let’s act together, let’s act now. https://t.co/iY5or4mLpA

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) July 24, 2018

In April 2018, Graham had signed on to a bipartisan Senate bill that would have specifically protected Robert Mueller's investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election. 

But in August 2018, the bill having gone nowhere, Graham tweeted that he hoped Mueller would "wrap up his investigation sooner rather than later." 

He also gave an interview in which he appeared to back away from supporting Jeff Sessions. For the first time, Trump quoted Graham approvingly. 

.@LindseyGrahamSC “Every President deserves an Attorney General they have confidence in. I believe every President has a right to their Cabinet, these are not lifetime appointments. You serve at the pleasure of the President.”

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 25, 2018

There was little time for Graham to respond to that tweet. John McCain, who had not wavered in his opposition to Trump, passed away later the same day. 

I will need some time to absorb this, but I want Cindy —and the entire McCain family — to know they are in my prayers.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 26, 2018

McCain had specifically disinvited Trump from the funeral, but Graham was able to wangle an invite for Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Around the same time, he tweeted a photo of his meeting with Ivanka. 

Great meeting with @IvankaTrump and her daughter Arabella. I appreciate all Ivanka is doing to improve the plight of women in the developing world. pic.twitter.com/OLNdxzWPop

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) August 29, 2018

After the McCain funeral, Graham's long transformation into a Trump surrogate seemed complete. Here he is a week later, tweeting his support in the wake of early revelations from Bob Woodward's book Fear.    

By any reasonable measure we have one of the strongest economies in modern history, President Trump has rebuilt a broken military, and we are pushing back hard against America’s enemies.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) September 5, 2018

Meanwhile, Republican representatives in the House were in the throes of discrediting Mueller's  investigation by attacking the investigators. This presented no problem for Graham. 

It is increasingly clear it was the Obama Administration who politicized the DOJ/FBI, not the Trump Administration.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) September 11, 2018

What is interesting to follow through all this is how much more frequently Graham tells us to tune in to  appearances on Fox News, Fox Business News, and CNN. The more controversial he gets, naturally, the more he does on-air "hits." 

And then we come to the Kavanaugh nomination, and the revelation of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's accusation. In a startling display of hypocrisy, the senator who had gone all-in for a man he once despised now accused Democrats of acting in a Machiavellian manner. 

When it comes to stopping Pres @realDonaldTrump and his agenda there seem to be no boundaries. Whether it’s coaching witnesses or reporting thinly-sourced stories without proper verification, everything is fair game and falls into the category of – ‘The Ends Justify the Means.'

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) September 24, 2018

By the end of the nomination process, Graham wasn't just supporting Trump in his tweets — he was starting to sound like him. Note the use of ellipses instead of numbering his tweets, the one-word descriptions, and the very Trumpian touch of capitalizing the word "victory."     

…..finally thank you President @realDonaldTrump for the good judgment in selecting Judge Kavanaugh and the toughness and determination to stick by his side and see it through to Victory!

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) October 6, 2018

Perhaps there is more of Graham's Twitter story to be told; maybe he will disentangle himself from Trump after the midterms. But at the moment, his trail of shifting positions looks like a cautionary tale for future generations. 

Here, kids, is what happens when you gain a tax cut, and a Supreme Court seat, and a whole lot of airtime, but lose your political soul. 

WATCH: Someone created a storm lamp that produces lightning every time Trump tweets

[republicstandard]

The Right-Wing Starter Pack

We often discuss the best ways to try and “red pill” individuals who have not necessarily become aware of the forces that imperil our civilization, or who have been deceived into believing in the post-national, post-racial, gender-neutral vision of “equality.” Maybe they have some awareness that things are bad and that the races and sexes are fundamentally different, but they don’t quite have all of the pieces of the puzzle. Jumping into the JQ with someone who doesn’t realize that Islam is not a religion of peace is a recipe for disaster; think about how you came to the conclusions that you ultimately did. Or, if you came to this site knowing in your bones something in today’s world is off, that what you are told and what you see in the media is not the reality you live and observe but you can’t quite put your finger on it, or perhaps the picture looks a little fuzzy but you can make out the general shape of what ails our society, the following are great books that will hopefully bring that picture into focus and allow you to “zoom out” in order to see the big picture.

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If you are looking for a handy reading list to red-pill friends, partners, or relatives, this is a good one (obviously!) that will ideally “prime” the individual for eventually accepting the whole truth. They may reject the reality—recall that only the young and receptive were taken out of the Matrix in the film for others’ minds were too entwined with the simulated reality and they could not accept what they were seeing and experiencing. Obviously “red pilling” isn’t only for the young, but there are many people who are closed to understanding the real truth of what’s going on and would reject these premises and findings, despite their factual reality, as “hate.” Also remember, even though Neo took the red pill, it took time for him to grasp not only what was outside The Matrix in reality (spoiler alert: or, ultimately, not…), but for him to realize the extent of his true capabilities. With that in mind, I recommend these texts in this order (the list is based loosely on both my own “red-pilling” experience and having successfully “red pilled” several others roughly following this progression):

STOP if you haven’t read the Constitution, and then come back when you have.

Peter Brimelow-Alien Nation (1996)

Written during the mid-90s “thaw” on political correctness, Brimelow’s excellent work catalogues immigration’s true cost to the Republic from all angles—from social cohesion to economic expenditure. He addresses and adroitly refutes all of the common pro-immigration arguments in convincing fashion. Though some of the numbers are dated, all one need do is extrapolate (which shows the urgency of getting the immigration situation under control all the more).

Charles Murray and Richard Herrnstein-The Bell Curve (1996)

Another “thaw” book, the exhaustive research of Murray and Herrnstein definitively proves that group differences are real, and that “cognitive stratification” is a far more compelling explanation for disparate outcomes in America than the bogeymen of “racism” and “discrimination.” Despite the “outcry,” does not dwell much on IQ disparities between the races, but is indispensable in proving the heritability of intelligence and its being the primary cause of social stratification and the achievement gap in an increasingly cognitively-intensive economy. If people can’t accept that different groups will necessarily have different outcomes, they will forever remain stunted and the world will appear much more conspiratorial than it actually is (with a couple of key exceptions).

Jim Goad-The Redneck Manifesto (1998)

A brilliant, funny, and often savage de-construction of the liberal “blind-spot” of poor and working-class “white trash.” It seems their compassion knows no bounds unless it is the brick-and-mortar of America. Major red pills regarding white slavery/indentured servitude, as well as some prescient thoughts on “hate speech.” Illustrates that the present struggle is as much class-based as it is race- or sex-based. Tonally shows you don’t have to be stodgy and uptight if you are “right wing.”

Ilana Mercer-Into the Cannibal’s Pot (2011)

Detonates the myth of South Africa as a “Rainbow Nation”; from racial hiring quotas to economic sanctions and land expropriations that target whites to sky-high murder rates, Mercer offers her homeland as a case study on what the United States will become if it continues on its present trajectory—and it is grim.

Dr. Bill Warner’s The Foundations of Islam and Political Islam Self-Study Courses

If you really want to know what Islam is all about, I recommend these titles as highly as possible. They lay everything about the foundations of the religion out in clear, concise detail, and make clear that Islam is—and has always been since Muhammad’s exile from Mecca—a religion of violence, not peace. Also crucially addresses the Islamic practice of taqiyah, which is a divinely-sanctioned deception of non-believers in order to advance the goals of Islam, which, ultimately, are to conquer and subjugate the entire planet. Women and kafir (non-believers, who are scripturally analogous to feces) are to be second-class citizens, and where necessary, the kafir are to be exterminated. Finally, Warner has structured his self-study course by levels, one through four, which is helpful and allows you to build on the material from introductory to advanced (and now you know where I got the idea for this article from!)

Douglas Murray-The Strange Death of Europe: Immigration, Identity, Islam (2017)

Explains in great detail not only the historical context for Europe’s “migrant crisis”—as well as outlines the principle actors and the ramifications of the “crisis”—but gets into the philosophical realm by questioning what existential malaise plagues (Western) Europe to the point where it appears to be committing a slow suicide.

Laura Kipnis-Unwanted Advances: Sexual Paranoia Comes to Campus (2017)

Yes, she’s a feminist, but that is irrelevant; this book chronicles the descent into madness on college campuses regarding neo-Victorianism and the prudish, witch-hunt climate brought about by an over-weaning administration and un-checked Cultural Marxism in the bloated bureaucracies of the universities across the country which have essentially robbed women of all agency and created a situation where simply an accusation of sexual assault is enough to ruin a man’s life. It is a tale of the abuses of Title IX, of speech and behavior commissars, and of the paranoia and fear that now govern both the on-campus environment in general, and male-female relations both on and off-campus.

Ashley McGuire-Sex Scandal: The Drive to Abolish Male and Female (2017)

McGuire addresses all of the areas adversely affected by the quixotic quest to attain the often-conflicting goals of “gender parity” and “gender neutrality” from the military to sports, and underscores the ramifications of the implementation of an ideology utterly divorced from biological reality, highlighting the negative consequences on every major facet of our lives. Indeed, as with selection #10, there are a great many unintended consequences that are readily apparent to those who understand the inherent differences. As stated, gender equity and neutrality are often at odds with each other, and inevitably lead to convolution then destruction. Finally, McGuire presaged the #MeToo hysteria in her chapter on Hollywood hypocrisy.

Chris Buskirk and Seth Leibsohn-American Greatness (2017)

Very Tucker Carlson-esque; through the prism of the 2016 presidential election, the authors take a macro view on how the so-called “elites” missed the Trump Phenomenon, so divorced are they from both what the American people in general believe, and the founding principles of the United States as a nation and what it truly represents. They address current issues, especially issues of citizenship and immigration, from a Constitutionally-oriented perspective, which is what we as Americans are supposed to do, and provide a blueprint for the way forward for the GOP as an explicitly pro-American party.

Jean Raspail-The Camp of the Saints (1973)

This is the novel that most fully encapsulates the ennui engulfing our civilization, and it offers a harrowing view of a future (or, indeed, present) where the West, unwilling and/or unable to defend itself, is led to the precipice of oblivion. Extremely disconcerting in its accuracy. This haunting novel will stick with you long after you’ve finished. That said, it is only a black pill if you let it be a black pill.

Michael Levin-Why Race Matters (1997)

Addresses the biological basis of racial differences and what the ramifications of ignoring the fundamental realities of these differences are for society at large, particularly our present multi-cultural one. From IQ to criminality, it’s here.

Richard Lynn-Race Differences in Intelligence: Second Edition (2015)

Another empirically-based, detailed, well-researched, and comprehensive text regarding the fundamental differences between the races with, as the title explains, a particular emphasis on differences in cognitive ability.

The Next Step:

Jared Taylor-White Identity: Racial Consciousness in the 21st Century (2011)

Ricardo Duchesne-Faustian Man in a Multicultural Age (2017)

Sam Francis-Essential Writings on Race (2007)

Kevin MacDonald-The Culture of Critique: An Evolutionary Analysis of Jewish Involvement in Twentieth-Century Intellectual and Political Movements (Revised Edition, 2002)

Robert Heinlein-Starship Troopers (1959)

Randy Roach-Muscle, Smoke, and Mirrors (2008)

Michael Hart-Restoring America (2015)

Thomas Goodrich-Hellstorm: The Death of Nazi Germany, 1944-1947 (2014)

Alison Weir-Against Our Better Judgement: The Hidden History of How the US was Used to Create Israel (2014)

Michael Hoffman-They Were White and They Were Slaves: The Untold History of the Enslavement of Whites in Early America (1993)

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Advanced:

Revilo P. Oliver-The Jewish Strategy (2001)

William Gayley Simpson-Which Way Western Man? (1978)

Maurice Samuel-You Gentiles (1924)

Lothrop Stoddard-The Revolt Against Civilization: The Menace of the Under-Man (1922)

Stephen Mitford Goodson-A History of Central Banking and the Enslavement of Mankind (2017)

Henry Ford-The International Jew (1920-21)

Michael Hoffman-Judaism’s Strange Gods:Revised and Expanded (2011)

Richard E. Harwood-Did Six Million Really Die? (1974)

Hilaire Belloc-The Jews (1922)

Oswald Spengler-The Decline of the West (1918)

from Republic Standard | Conservative Thought & Culture Magazine https://ift.tt/2M25er8 via IFTTT

[cookszone-blog]

The Ultimate Guide to Salmon

New Post has been published on https://healthy-cook.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-salmon/

The Ultimate Guide to Salmon

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Salmon is known to be one of the healthiest proteins out there, but how much do you really know about it. Use this guide to learn everything you have ever wondered about salmon  – it’s nutritional make-up, how to choose it, whether you should choose wild or farm raised, how to cook it, recipes, and more.

The Surprising Health Benefits of Salmon

Isn’t it funny how we can eat a food all our lives but never really picture it in its whole form? Sure it’s easy to think of a cow or a pig, but how often do you look at fish and picture what the fish really looks like? Can you easily think of red snapper in its entirety? What about tuna? I was shocked when I first saw a photo of a tuna fish. I had no idea they were so large! 

Admittedly, when I think of salmon, I picture the quintessential photo of a bear trying to catch the big fish as they swim upstream to spawn in some Alaskan stream. While that’s not incorrect, it’s important to note that salmon can be as varied as the ways in which to prepare it.

Baked, grilled, fried, whole, canned…you get the picture. There’s a reason there are so many ways to eat this versatile fish — because it’s it’s as delicious as it is nutritious. It’s also easy to find in almost any grocery store. No matter which type you pick or how you choose to prepare it, you’re sure to enjoy the benefits of adding one of the healthiest foods on Earth to your diet. 

Types of Salmon

There are seven species of Pacific salmon. They range in size, anywhere from five-pound pink salmon to 126-pound king salmon. Five of the seven types of salmon live in North American waters, two types live only in Asia and one lives in the Atlantic. Some salmon live in freshwater all their lives, some live in salt water, and some are anadromous, meaning they live in both types of water, depending on the season. 

Is Salmon Good for You?

By now, surely you’ve heard about the benefits of eating salmon. Touted as one of the richest food sources of omega-3 fatty acids, it’s also a great source of protein, B vitamins, potassium, calcium, and antioxidants. 

Salmon is also great to add to your diet if you are trying to lose weight, control your cholesterol, or if you’ve been looking for more ways to add seafood dishes to your weekly menu. It’s also a great option for vegetarians who are open to adding fish to their diets and are looking for ways to mix up the same old, same old foods. 

The Nutritional Makeup of Salmon

According to the USDA nutrient database, a 3-ounce serving size of Atlantic raw salmon contains 121 calories, 17 grams of protein, 5 grams of fat, and no carbs, fiber, or sugar. Salmon is a great source of good-for-you fats, calcium, phosphorus, potassium, niacin, folate, and a myriad of other vitamins and minerals your body needs to be healthy. 

Wild-Caught Versus Farm-Raised Salmon: What’s Better for You?

Is wild or farm-raised salmon better for you? Well, that depends. Although farmed Atlantic salmon can provide more omega-3s than wild-caught, some studies have shown that factory-raised salmon contains more carcinogenic chemicals called PCBs. In some farms, the chemicals found have measured up to ten times higher than that of wild salmon. Then again, other studies have shown that levels of PCBs in farm-raised salmon to be comparable to those found in wild-caught. 

Another factor to take into consideration is mercury levels found in fish. When it comes to salmon, though, you don’t have to worry. Most farm-raised fish contains very little mercury and fish with the highest mercury levels include bigger, wild-caught fish like tuna, shark, king mackerel, and swordfish. 

And, as far as the use of antibiotics or hormones to grow fish in farms, you don’t have to worry about that, either. United States regulatory groups prohibit their use. (This is not always the case in other countries, so be sure to check the label first before you purchase.) You also don’t have to fret over genetically modified fish for sale as food in the United States. 

All that said, the best course of action is to do a little research into where your salmon comes from. Some grocery chains, such as Whole Foods, have stricter guidelines for the factory-raised fish they buy and sell in their stores. Look for salmon (and other fish) sources that practice sustainable and responsible farming practices. 

When in doubt, mix it up. The fact is, wild-caught salmon is harder to find and can be more expensive. Also, remember that any factory-farmed fish is probably going to be better than a Twinkie, right? As long as the good outweighs the bad in life, I say don’t sweat it. 

The Health Benefits of Salmon

They are high in omega-3s. Salmon is one of the best sources for omega-3s you can find, in fact. Omega-3s are great for your body and mind. They can help lower your risk of heart disease, depression, and arthritis. It can also help to quell inflammation in your body and can slow down the buildup of plaque inside your arteries and veins by lowering your triglyceride levels and it can even lower your blood pressure. Omega-3 fatty acids EPA and DHA are important elements that your brain needs to function throughout all stages of your life, from birth to old age. Pregnant women who take fish oil or up their fish intake have had children who score higher on intelligence tests. And when you grow older, ensuring adequate intake of omega-3s can help to delay the beginnings of dementia and Alzheimer’s.  

They are low-carb. There’s a good reason salmon makes a frequent appearance on many low-carb diets such as Paleo and Keto as it contains zero carbs. That’s right, none. If you are following a low-carb diet or watching your weight, then salmon is a great protein addition to any breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  

They are low-calorie. You already know salmon packs a heart-healthy punch, but isn’t it great to also learn that salmon is low-calorie? Now you can fill up on this lean protein knowing you’re staying within your calorie limits as well. 

They are high in protein. Fish and seafood, in general, are great options when you’re looking for foods that are high in protein and low in fat. The USDA recommendation for protein intake is based on body weight but roughly equates to 54 grams a day for a 150-pound female or 71 grams a day for a 195-pound man. With 17 grams of protein per serving, you can achieve your desired protein intake easily, plus benefit from all the other goodness salmon brings. 

Salmon is a good source of essential B vitamins. From B1 to B12 and nearly everything in between, if you’re looking to stock up on B, you should be eating salmon. B vitamins play a key role in making sure your metabolism runs smoothly. They also are involved in DNA creation and repair, help reduce inflammation, and work to maintain brain and nervous system functions. 

They are good for your bones. The calcium found in salmon can help keep your bones strong and aid in the prevention of osteoporosis. Calcium is an important mineral that your bones cannot do without. It is also responsible for contracting your muscles, making new bone tissue, and helping your blood to clot. 

How to Choose Salmon

If you’re buying fresh salmon, make sure it doesn’t smell fishy. Fresh salmon shouldn’t really have any smell at all. And, unless you’re at the store looking for smoked salmon specifically, you’ll want to steer clear of any salmon that appears dried out. You’ll also want to skip any fish with brown spots or bruising or that has skin that appears brown or is starting to dry up and curl. 

Salmon flesh comes in a variety of red to pink shades. Regardless of which shade you find, make sure it’s vibrantly colored and skip any fish that looks pale. 

When purchasing frozen or packaged salmon, keep in mind it’s often chilled right there on the boat, soon after being caught. Typically, it’s then vacuum-sealed right after being filleted, furthering its freshness. Stay away from any packaging that appears to have broken seals or air inside. 

When in doubt, read the label (where you might discover details such as “color-added” that will cue you to stay away), or ask your fishmonger for advice. 

How to Store Salmon

If you’ve purchased fresh salmon, it’s best to cook and eat it within three to four days. You can always freeze fresh portions as well for up to two months. If you’ve thawed frozen salmon in the refrigerator, you should eat it within one to two days. If you’ve thawed frozen salmon in the microwave or under cold water, you should be prepared to eat it right away. 

As far as salmon leftovers are concerned, they can keep up to three days in the fridge. When in doubt, throw it out. It’s better to start over than to risk food poisoning. 

How Do You Know When Salmon Is Done? 

Although cooking methods vary, one rule of thumb is to cook them for four to six minutes per inch of thickness, or three to four minutes per side. If you’re not sure, you can gently check the center with a knife. If it’s still slightly translucent in the center, it’s probably done. You can also take its temperature. A range of 110 to 140 degrees is considered the sweet spot. You can cook the fish anywhere from medium-rare to medium well-done within that temperature range.  

How to Cook Salmon

And now for the best part — cooking the salmon! I love salmon almost any which way, as you might have been able to tell with the amount of recipes for salmon that I have here on Slender Kitchen. Read on for my favorite recipes featuring different ways to cook salmon. I recommend you give them all a try. After all, the government recommends we eat lean fish and seafood twice a week for optimum health. 

Baked Salmon

If I had a mantra, it might be “quick and easy.” That’s what I was thinking when I made this Baked Honey Salmon and Vegetables recipe. Cooked in foil for easy clean up and ready in less than 20 minutes, it doesn’t get any easier than that. You also should check out this Broiled Honey Garlic Salmon that’s ready in 10 minutes and Maple Mustard Salmon that is a favorite in our house.

When baking salmon, you’ll want it to come out looking nice and flaky. To achieve this, I set the oven to 400 degrees and cooked the fish with the vegetables for 15 minutes. 

If your salmon has the skin on, be sure to bake it skin-side down, like I did in this recipe for Spicy Sesame Salmon (say that three times fast). 

Grilled Salmon

There’s nothing better than firing up the grill in the summer. One of my favorite things to grill is, of course, salmon. For this recipe for Grilled Spice Rubbed Salmon, I made my own spice rub. I recommend letting spices rest on the fish for about 15 minutes before grilling. This version only took about 10 minutes to finish to my liking. Depending on your grill and temperature setting, your cooking time may vary, so be sure to watch it closely. You don’t want your salmon to be overdone. 

Again, you’ll want to make sure you start off grilling salmon with skin-side down before flipping. You’ll want to grill longer on the first side than the second. When I grilled this Cajun Salmon, I cooked it for 3-4 minutes on the skin side before I flipped it for 1-3 minutes more. 

Pan-Fried Salmon

This Blackened Salmon with Garlic Zucchini Noodles combines two of my favorite things. When cooking salmon in a pan, simply prepare the fish with your rub or marinade and then heat some olive oil over medium heat, and cook the salmon for 3-4 minutes on each side. Set the salmon gently atop zucchini noodles, rice, pasta, or alone with a side of roasted vegetables for a simple, yet delicious, low-carb meal. 

Seasoning Ideas for Salmon

There are so many different ways to season salmon from simple salt and pepper to more bold spice blends. Here are a few options for salmon seasoning that will make any salmon taste amazing.

Blackened or Cajun: Use a homemade blackening seasoning or a store bought option to make a smoky and spicy salmon.

Lemon pepper: Make homemade lemon pepper by combining lemon zest with black pepper, salt, and garlic powder. A store-bought blend will also work, just look for one with natural flavors so it tastes like real lemon, instead of artificial lemon flavor.

Brown sugar: Adding a touch of brown sugar to your favorite store-bought spice blend will help you create a crispy topping on the salmon since the sugar caramelizes.

Asian: You can use store-bought or homemade Asian style marinades for salmon. One that always works is equal parts honey, soy sauce, and lemon or lime juice.

Lemon herb: Use a store-bought herb blend that contains herbs like thyme, rosemary, oregano, marjoram, or parsley.  Blend it with olive oil to smear on the fish and then squeeze lots of fresh lemon juice on top when it’s finished cooking.

Italian: Italian spice blends work great with salmon. For some spice add in red pepper flakes, which typically aren’t included in these spice blends.

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[minihappybaker-blog]

A Short Story- Ice cream

The below story is fictional. The people in the story aren't real but it was very much inspired by my experience of life during my university years. If you can relate to any of this let me know.

I wake slowly from an uncomfortable, dehydrated sleep. Eyes slightly glued together with last night’s make up and yesterday’s contact lenses unremoved. Bladder full, I need to empty it. I try to lift my head but a sharp stab of fiery pain slices between my eyes and I crumple back onto my pillow, drained from the effort.

 I blink and my dry eyes attempt to focus. I see that I brought a glass of water to bed with me (thank God I remembered this time) and reach for it cautiously with a shaking hand. I lift myself up again, slowly this time so as not to disturb the dragon in my head again and gulp back as much as I can. My stomach churns in protest. I lie still, hoping I can go back to sleep but the dragon is awake again and the my head pounds. I need 2 paracetamol. I scan the bedside table but they aren’t there, my heart sinks and I curse my own poor planning. I haven’t made things easy for myself.

I sit up, ignoring the blinding pain in my head. My mouth tastes familiarly sour and metallic. It tastes like the pain in my head. I grab the empty glass and somehow manage to coordinate my limbs to move to the bathroom. I’m wearing a t-shirt and last night’s knickers. I don’t have the energy to put on some pants or shorts, I just hope none of my housemates boyfriends are around, they’d be horrified if they saw me like this.

Safe in the bathroom I slump onto the toilet seat. The dragon momentarily stops breathing fire across my brain as I relive myself. The reprieve doesn’t last long. I rummage around in the bathroom cabinet and find the paracetamol. There are 3 left. I take them all, glugged down with more lukewarm tap water. 2 will never be enough today.

As soon as I have swallowed them, a wave of panic jolts through me like an electric shock. A hazy memory of taking some painkillers at some point tries to surface but I can’t remember when I took them. Was it before I went to bed last night? If so has it been more than 4 hours since the last dose? Did I take more than the recommended dose then as well? Can you even take them with alcohol? I’m not sure but my dehydrated brain whizzes through the worst case scenarios. I could accidentally overdose. My phone has no battery and I don’t know where I left my charger so I won’t be able to call for help. At what point would I call for help anyway? How would I know if something is wrong when I feel so horrendous anyway? I could see if my housemates are in and ask them to call an ambulance just in case, but then I’d just be having another one of my episodes, another overreaction, more drama from Clare again. This is the type of thing that happens to me. It will become a story they tell on nights out, “Remember when Clare woke us up at 7am to call an ambulance because she thought she’s taken an overdose of paracetamol but she actually just had a hangover?” They will laugh. I’ll laugh too but a part of me will feel like a fool. A part of them will think, “For fuck sake Clare!”.

My heartrate slows slightly, I tell myself I’m fine. I tell myself I won’t die from taking 1 extra paracetamol. If I start feeling worse I will call my housemates. I breathe deeply trying to get a full breath. My skin crawls and my head pounds again. I skulk down to the kitchen to make toast. The thought of warm carbs sitting in my stomach and then going back to bed to wait for the painkillers to work immediately soothes me. My mouth waters in anticipation despite my still churning stomach. I make 2 slices and eat a 3rd slice of bread with margarine while I’m waiting. The bread is slightly stale and I don’t enjoy it but it distracts me from my headache and my worries about the paracetamol.

Back in bed, the tension in my head starts to thaw. The metallic taste in my mouth is still there and the nausea is worse despite the toast. I look at the clock by my bed, 6.54am. I’m wide awake. My mind starts to race back to last night. A blur. Pub- wine and shots, club- wine then vodka, party back at my house, more wine, more vodka. Little white pills and bags of white powder. Money spent- I have no idea but it must have been over 200, a lot on my student budget. Deeper into my overdraught. I need to not think about that.

 My head still throbs but it’s a duller now, the embers of the dragon’s fire instead of the blast itself. I try to piece things together. I’d felt uncomfortable at first. My size 10 dress felt too tight, my cheeks too chubby, eyes too small for my face. My calves and ankles packed into my tights and 6 inch heels gave the illusion of slimmer legs but my thighs rubbed together at the top reminding me I need to try harder, be smaller, suck everything in, don’t eat anything.

 My anxiety increases, I can’t relax. I remember walking into the pub trying to look confident. Strutting my stuff in those heels, flicking my long hair over my shoulder and searching the room for cute guys. Trying to make eye contact, nothing. They seemed to be looking but not at me. Not surprising as my friend Liani was in front of me. They all saw her first, smiled, tried to catch her eye. Took in her long legs and tiny waste. Her simple tunic dress hanging loosely over her slim breasts and hips somehow seemed to enhance the ease with which she carried herself. She didn’t need to suck anything in, worry about tummy roles or rubbing thighs. She ate crisps and drank beer without worrying about weight watchers points. When guys came over to sit with us she thought about which one was cuter while I hoped that one of them would think I was OK. They would never chose me first, I was always the consolation prize. I drank.

As the night had gone on my confidence grew. The booze does that, the coke allows me to carry on drinking for longer. For a while I was carefree, attractive, not skinny but not taking up too much space either. I was funny, confident, sexy. We went to the bathroom, another pill, another line. I looked in the mirror as I stood next to Liani. I was still shorter and wider but the gulf that separated our looks had closed a bit. I felt lighter inside and out. We danced. All night, me still trying to catch someone’s eye and Liani trying to fend them off. The rest is fuzzy. The club was sweaty and hot. Liani was kissing a gorgeous guy on the dancefloor, the guy I’d been talking to looked disappointed. “Damn I was hoping to get your friends number, she’s gorgeous, but I guess she prefers him,”. My face had burned but it was dark so he’d never have known. He’d never have realised I had thought he was going to ask for my number. I went to the bar and bought a round of drinks.

My face burns again with shame as I remember. My legs twitch. I breathe deeply again trying to get enough air into my lungs. My head swims. I can feel every inch of my stomach and thighs and try to imagine if they were smaller, how much easier would life be. I look at the clock again, 7.15. I want to eat again. I’m not hungry but I want something nice, something to distract me. I want to be able to sleep and a full tummy will help me but I can’t use up any more calories yet. Eventually I must have fallen asleep again but I don’t rest. Yes that is possible to sleep without resting at all. I seem to do it a lot. When I come round again the clock says it’s 10.19 but my body is rigid, my neck stiff. I’m still trying to get enough air into my lungs.

 I decide enough time has passed since the toast so I can allow myself to eat again. I have already had 385 calories from the toast and margarine. I don’t need to look at the back of the packets to know this. I’ve programmed myself to calculate calories automatically. People who don’t diet are amazed I can remember. I get dressed, brush my teeth and remove last night’s make up and contact lenses. I don’t shower. I don’t want to undress and have to see my body, feel the curves that are too big as I wash and see myself in the large bathroom mirror when I’m drying myself. My baggy tracksuit bottoms and hoody make me feel small by comparison.

 On the way down to the kitchen I call out to my housemates. No one answers, they must all be at lectures. I should have been to  two already today. I could make the third if I hurried up but then I’d have to have a shower, face my oversized body and try to find something to wear that looks reasonably OK on me. Easier said than done. Then I’d have to sit in my lecture while I try to breath normally and my stomach churns and I worry that people can hear it and I worry that I’m going to faint and that I might lose control of my body completely but I can’t leave because there’s no excuse to just walk out of the lecture and everyone will see me and know there’s something wrong with me because I can’t sit in class for an hour without having to dash for air. I wouldn’t take in much of the lecture anyway, I can never concentrate when I’m in this frame of mind, which is almost all the time.

 Just thinking about being trapped in a lecture theatre makes my head start to thud again, the dragon stirring, I need to eat.

  I make myself toasties with low fat cheese and ham. I use 4 slices of bread. 900 calories. After this I’ll only have 215 left for the rest of the day but that’s fine. I’ll sleep most of the day and then just have a cuppa-soup and another piece of toast in the evening. I east the toasties in front of the TV with a cup of milky sweet tea. I don’t count the calories in the milk and sugar. As I’m eating I feel calmer, my breathing slows. I stop worrying about missing my lectures and taking too many paracetamol and taking too many drugs and spending too much money and messing up my diet again and looking desperate and fat last night next to my slim and confident friend. I savour the delicious melted cheese and the crispy toasted bread and sip my tea and I focus on the smell, taste and textures and the feeling of swallowing the food and the warmth as it hits my stomach.

 As I get towards the end of the last toasty my anxiety starts to return. I don’t want this to be over. What will I do next? What if I can’t sleep straight away? I’m going to crave something sweet. My brain anticipates the craving before I even start craving it. I’ve been here so many times before.

 I return to the kitchen, I no longer feel small in my large hoody, I can feel the bread in my stomach and I think of the dress that was already too tight last night. I search my cupboard for something sweet. I don’t usually buy sweet treats because I can’t seem to stop at one. When I do buy them they rarely last longer than a day. The only sweet thing I have is a box of weightwatchers cereal bars. 88 calories. It says it on the box this time, not that my built in calorie counter didn’t already know. There are two left in the box. I take one back to the living room. I wanted to make another cup of tea to have with it but the thought of waiting for the kettle to boil before I can eat it feels impossible. I try to nibble the bar slowly but when I’m halfway down it I start to eat faster. I’ve already decided I’m going back for the other bar. It’s OK I reason with myself. I won’t need anything else all day after this and I can still have a cuppa-soup (55 cals) this evening and still be (almost) within my calories. It’s still not even 11am.

 Second bar demolished, I then decide I might as well eat the rest of my calories for the day (39) now and really enjoy them. The day stretches out in front of me with nothing to break it up. No meals, no snacks to punctuate the hangover and comedown. I might as well just enjoy this now that I’ve started. I just need one more mouthful of something sweet and then I’ll feel satisfied and be able to sleep for a bit. After a search of the kitchen (my housemates cupboards as well as mine), I find a tub of Ben and Jerrys in the freezer. It’s not mine, it must be my Sarah or Lucy’s. “Please be open already” I hope inwardly. Jackpot, it is open and about a 5th of the tub has been eaten. This means I can easily sneak a couple of spoonfuls and no-one will notice. I check the door and call out again. No reply, the coast is clear. I spoon a thin layer of ice cream out of the tub and into a bowl. There is more than my 39 calories there but not much more. If I end up only going over by 100 calories for the day then it’s still OK. I can easily make that up tomorrow by having less then, and besides I must have burnt a lot of calories dancing last night.

 I eat it in the kitchen standing over the sink so I can easily hide the evidence if anyone should come back. It’s delicious. The sweet, cold creaminess transports me to a world where there is nothing else but me and my taste buds. It’s heaven. I’m no longer just distracted from my worries, they are no longer significant. I know before I finish my serving I’m going back for more.

 I take the tub up to my bedroom. I’ll replace the whole tub later today. As soon as I’m feeling better I’ll run to the shop and buy a new one, I’m sure they’ll have that flavour. They did the other day I think. I don’t plan to eat the whole tub. I know I can’t put it back in the freezer when too much is gone because they’ll know I ate some (There won’t be any doubt as to who it was, I’ve done this before although I always replace things). I think I’ll just eat down to the halfway mark and then throw the rest in the bin. I’ll have gone well over my calories for today but I can make up for that tomorrow.

 At some point, I’m not sure exactly when, I lose any semblance of control I may have had. As soon as the rush of the first few mouthfuls wears off, each mouthful is accompanied by a bitter layer of guilt. I start to feel guilty about eating something that wasn’t mine, about missing my lectures, about being behind in nearly all of my classes, about ruining my diet, about doing drugs last night and shame about throwing myself at boys who prefer my friend. I try to put the tub down but the ice cream is making the guilt palatable, for all I hate myself for not stopping, to stop eating is worse.

 By the time I finish the tub, the guilt is joined by disgust. I feel physically sick and even more dehydrated. I count the calories. I’ve eaten 2261 before 11.30am. 1876 calories within the space of just over an hour.  I gulp back some water in an attempt to get rid of the sickly taste in my mouth. The ice cream that tasted like heaven before now tastes curdled and sour on my tongue. My teeth feel as though they are coated in a thick film of sugar. How could I do this? If I could just stop doing this I’d be thin like Liani and I’d be happy. Life must be so easy when you’re thin. What is so wrong with me? Why am I so greedy that I can’t stop eating even when I feel sick? If anyone could see me now they’d be disgusted too.

 Making a snap decision I run to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat as far as I can. Nothing happens. I try to purge myself of the ice cream for the next 20 minutes. My throat is sore from ramming my fingers down to my tonsils and retching but I’m unable to get my stomach to return any of its contents. My entire body feels hard and round and crammed full. At last I admit defeat and return to my bedroom, tears of frustration running down my face. I can’t even do this properly! I’m fiercely jealous in this moment of people with bulimia. At least they are thin and people have sympathy for them. I’m just fat and greedy and have no self-control. No one would have any sympathy for a disgusting fat pig like me. It’s no wonder boys don’t look at me when we go out, I don’t deserve their attention. I lie in my bed, too hot in my hoody but unwilling to take it off because I need to feel covered. I need to be separated from the disgusting sight of my own body. And as I try to understand what just happened,  after all this, still there is a little voice inside my head that tells me I could make all this go away, at least for a little while, if I eat something else. I know that while I’m actually eating I won’t be thinking and right now thinking is so painful I’ll do anything to stop.

 So my day progresses in this way, sleeping but not really resting, worrying, eating and hating myself for eating. At some point I must have dozed off because I hear my housemates downstairs in the kitchen. I pray they don’t decide to have ice cream or any of the other goodies I’ve stolen today. I pray I didn’t leave any evidence of my binge for them to find. At 7pm at night I’m exhausted, disgusted, guilt ridden and ashamed. My built in calorie counter, no longer as precise as earlier on in the day, has logged over 4000 calories. I finally find a phone charger and plug my phone in. When it’s turned on I have two missed calls and four messages. My heart leaps, maybe the guy from last night did take my number after all? But the missed calls are from the Uni, one message is a voicemail telling me to call the faculty office as soon as possible regarding my attendance. My chest tightens and my stomach turns upside down with dread and excess lactose but my brain and body are too exhausted to provide any other response. The messages are all from Liani telling me the guy she kissed last night called her this morning and took her out to the beach for the day. She sends a picture of the 2 of them eating ice cream together and laughing, her tiny shorts showing off tanned legs.

 I cry into my pillow until I fall into a deep sleep. As I’m drifting off I promise myself that tomorrow I’ll start again.