#it's not a one-and-done type of convo situation

[riaki]

i literally cant stop thinkin’ about highschoolbully!gojo who used to be your ride or die ‘til he started getting attention from those popular jock type guys who are always assholes to everyone. and him being.. well, him means he preens under attention no matter who it’s from, so naturally he started to gravitate towards that group and their little troop of cheerleading fangirls. and then he started distancing from you and without either of you really realizing it, you’ve slipped between the other’s fingers. but the way he acts towards you makes you think he let you fall without moving a muscle to slow you down.

soon enough, a year swings by and by the end of it he’s gone from your life, save as just another face in the gaggle of boys who make crude jokes and laugh at smart kids and pop milk cartoons during lunch just for the hell of it. but you’re minding your own business, ‘cause you’re mature enough to realize that people come and go, no matter how close you might’ve been and you think it’s unfortunate that so many memories could be thrown aside in a blink of an eye, but it makes a lot of sense when you walk past satoru and his friends bullying some random kid. you don’t know him, but you’ve heard enough to realize it’s his girlfriend satoru’s flirting with while his ‘gang’ kick at the kid. and it’s sickening, but you don’t say anything when you walk by.

and when you don’t ever see the kid afterward and catch the dark eyebags under his girlfriend’s eyes, you come to the cruel realization that satoru isn’t the boy who’d bandage the scrape on your knee you got from tripping in the playground or buy you a soda because he’s noticed your sweat when you were walking home and you don’t have any money left on you.

it’s a glass half empty, half full type of situation. on the one hand, you don’t have him anymore. on the other hand, you don’t have him anymore. that is, you lost your best friend, but you’ve also lost someone who has the potential to absolutely ruin your life. and you don’t know whether to be glad or not, so you just mind your own business even if it hurts a little when he ignores you, stops tossing paper at your head in class (unless it’s to embarrass you) and stops walking you to and from school.

but the cherry on top of the shit cake is that he doesn't get it. so when he approaches you in the library one day after satiating the need to tear pages from books and make them into paper airplanes to throw at people, he doesn't seem to understand why you try to ignore him, or put off his attempts to hold a convo. but the worst part is that he's just sleazy and clueless about it. it's like he took an eraser and wiped every single year of your friendship off the chalkboard with one fell swipe, and you wish he'd done that too to the less-than-appropriate messages he and his friends had written towards one of your classmates.

he doesn't understand why you're hesitant to talk, and that's what makes it the worst. he always thinks he's in the right, and he keeps setting you off and it sucks that he knows exactly what sets you off. "i'm an asshole? what're you talking about? really, you're in over your head. you never change." he laughs, and you ignore him, and he gets bored, and he's about to leave when he spots your wallet open next to your book, on the table. there's a polaroid peeking out, and he recognizes the tufts of white hair to be him. but there's a weird feeling in his chest, and he thinks he gets it from you, so he leaves because he thinks you're weird.

and it goes on; you practically become a nobody in satoru's eyes, because of that weird, weird feeling you give him. it's unfamiliar and he's never gotten it before and he doesn't like it. but it's unavoidable when your professor pairs you two for the end-of-term project. and of course, you're ready to do all the work, because that's how it always was between you when you were kids. but sometimes he'd surprise you by helping, and he'd show you that he was actually intelligent just to earn your praise because he liked it. but he ignored you, and you did everything, and it would've been okay if not for his friends egging him on to present your entire project when the day came and leave you with no content for a grade.

that's the first time it hits him: does he really want to do that? but it's not like it'll be the first time; you've always taken the hits for him, because you're naturally smart and you'll pick yourself back up in no time, and you get why he does it, so it'll be okay. so he agrees, and he enjoys the time he gets to spend with you through it, but the nagging weird feeling that blooms in his chest like a pesky weed only grows stronger. that's all his feelings ever seem to do around you.

but before you know it, presentation day swings around. you had coffee this morning (on his card), and you're ready enough to shoot him a small smile that sends his heart a-flutter. so you go up, feeling up to the task and ready until— he starts talking, and talking, and talking, and people don't think that he's taking your words out of your mouth because he's intelligent when he wants to make you praise him and you don't get the chance to get a word in and you notice the guys are laughing and hitting each other's shoulders to themselves in the upper rows and before you know it it's over. people are clapping but moreso they're looking at you and they're whispering— but it's terribly loud and they don't bother to hide it. they call you things that shouldn't bother you but they do anyway, because it's satoru's fault, and you're such a fool for thinking you could have it your way again.

so you leave class early, excusing yourself and ignoring the way your professor gives you a distasteful look and scribbles something next to your name. you're out the door in a second, neglecting your bags and satoru's a little lost because— didn't he just do good? people were clapping, and laughing with him and not at him, but it's attention either way so he doesn't mind. so why do you? why did you look at him like he stabbed you in the back? and his friends are calling his name, and he wishes he could chase after you and do something but he doesn't.

and it's a little sickening what they do next; one of their girls grabbed your bags and tossed it to them, and they've started rifling through it as if they own it, tearing up your shit and dumping everything onto the ground and he's kind of just... glued to the chair by his feelings. his heart feels like it's been patched together and the weird fuzzy feeling he had in his chest that's been cultivating has extinguished to be replaced with something he realizes he's only ever felt when it comes to you— guilt.

he's so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't realize his friend is silently offering him something— nudging his side to get his attention. he takes it without really realizing he moved his hand, and his silent friend with the gauges in his ears and the dark hair gets up and leaves without another word. when satoru looks down, he realizes he's been given your wallet. "the reward for betraying your baby," they call it. like all you're worth is the money in your account.

he's a little curious. that's how he's always been; asking you questions, rummaging through your stuff, laughing sheepishly and shaking it off when you caught him red-handed. so he opens it up, ignoring your sad little cards and the funny look on your license. he's looking for something, subconsciously; but he doesn't find it. there's no white tuft of hair to suggest his presence in your life; just empty black leather. nothing else.

and he doesn't see you after. or the following day. or the following weeks; weeks that turn into months that turn into the end of school and he's graduating but you're not by his side. and neither are his so called 'friends'; the only thing he has to their name is your own ruined friendship. it's a shame; he feels alone. very alone. no fuzzy weird feeling, not even that thing people call guilt. no attention to chase, and connections are ever harder to make. it shouldn'tve mattered that much, right? it was just a presentation. why wouldn't you just come back to him like you always did? were you not still friends...?

but the blood is still on his hands, and he doesn't manage to ever wash it off. guilt has a way of festering; of weighing on the heart 'till there's nothing left to feel or think but unfortunate circumstance and what could've been done differently. it just sucks that he never tried hard enough to keep you from slipping between his grasp. and now, he doesn't even have a polaroid to your friendship's name.

pt.2

[ethereal-pie]

bullfrog head cannons

I have seen no fics of this beautiful French man so I have done it myself

just a ramble of my thoughts in bullet point form

he is an american bullfrog, he not only looks like one but also there are tons in France

He enjoys warmth and gets grumpy if he is too cold

I feel like he doesn’t touch you all that much but adores cuddling 

If given the opportunity he will burry himself in pillows and blankets ( bonus if they are weighted) especially during winter cuz of his hibernation instinct

He will insist you join him and promise it’s very comfortable 

He isn’t slimy like his real world counterpart but his skin feels very moisturized 

He gets cold super easy and shove himself under your shirt or jacket to soak up your natural body heat 

You also don’t have to worry about it being too hot to cuddle as he is cool to the touch 

He will insist you let him put his cold ass hands on your bare back to warm them up , he will pout if you don’t let him 

Letting him do this will more then likely result in him having his head under your shirt and his face pressed into your back and his hands on your upper stomach 

He usually avoids conventional touch based pda, the most normal pda you’ll get out of under normal circumstances is a peck on the cheek 

Instead the way he shows touch based pda is by sitting on your shoulders

Although if he is super cold he won’t care all that much

 And  Unless your in a situation where being partners with him would put you in danger, he will be  fairly vocaly affectionate

He will call you his beloved and other pet names 

As well as praise, flirt and compliment you

Some of His pet names  involve your name 

He seems like a darling, my dear, love type of person

He will jokingly call you stupid ones as well 

He has a lot of running jokes with you and will tease and joke around with you all the time, he just likes laughing with you in general 

Some of your jokes might take a second to land with him in the beginning but as your relationship continues he will pick up almost immediately 

He tries really hard to be cool cuz he wants to make friends but everyone being stuck on him being a frog annoys him a lil 

He will complain about this to you at least once 

He is trying to be cool and Poetic!

When he is mad he will begin to speak in a mix of French and English but he doesn’t really yell at all, he does talk faster tho 

He will bath for hours but doesn’t like to shower 

He cannot use certain soaps or he will get sick because he will absorb the chemicals through his skin 

He likes the look of bubble baths but if he sits in them he gets sick cuz of the soap In the water 

Given his accent I assume he speaks French but I think he can speak multiple European language, due to his job 

He is very adverse to the idea of eating bugs, he isn’t scared of them but if someone offers him a bug he will be grossed out.

He is the kind of person to not only catch and release bugs he finds inside but he will have little convos with them too

You’ll hear in the other room “hello there my miniature friend.’’ And as he takes them outside “ I’m very sorry but you cannot stay here.” 

His approach to flying bugs is far different, he will take NO PRISONERS

He is very efficient with a fly swatter and knows all the concoctions to lure and kill flys fruit or other wise 

He avoids using his hands cuz of the bug guts 

If you are afraid of bugs he will find it amusing but he won’t tease or torment you, he will just chuckle at how ridiculous you look up on the counter while he captures the invader.

He is very polite and kind to everyone he interacts with unless they have done something to warrant other wise 

He will use French sayings in English  instead of the English one because he is convinced that “ they are far superior” 

Pins and needles are now ants, it’s raining ropes not animals, forget apples and trees, dogs don’t make cats.

If you use the English versions he will argue the French version is better 

“ bolt of lightning explans the felling of it, love at first sight is so bland.’’

Please convert he will find it unendingly adorable every time 

He does get cuteness aggression and will randomly shove his face into your chest and aggressively nuzzle into you whist squeezing you and violently kicking his legs and making a happy humming 

He will be embarrassed the first few times he does this 

He will get cuteness aggression from your cuteness aggression 

If you bite him he will be very confused but won’t care all that much so long as you aren’t hurting him

You will probably be taller then him and honestly he likes it that way because when you hug him he feels like momentarily  he is a totally encased by you 

You can carry him but only certain ways

No toddler hold, with one arm and him on your hip 

Piggy backs, shoulder sitting and standing are encouraged 

You can only sling him over your shoulder in emergency’s 

Same with under your arm 

He doesn’t like princess carry’s cuz he can’t hold on to much and he wants to touch with  max surface area

Carrying him by his armpits away from you has the same problem, he will struggle 

He does enjoy if you hug carry him with both arms, either his face in on your chest or resting on your shoulder 

I have made a helpful diagram ( I can draw but it’s just stick me cuz I’m lazy)

He will randomly start monologueing if given the opportunity 

He will tell you about being an assassin but only if you ask 

I think he is more likely to be with Someone who has prior experience with fighting

He feels nauseous after producing bubbles 

He will lean on or try to be touching you while he recovers 

You cannot truly surprise him, he will know something is up the moment you even begin to plan 

He knows because you act slightly different 

And hiding  or sneaking something past him is also impossible 

He has to actively try to avoid finding out what your doing 

You’ve snuck something into the garage, I guess he isn’t going In There for a while 

Hiding something behind your back, he isn’t even gonna face your direction while you hide it 

You cannot sneak up on him either 

When you try he will scare you by suddenly turning around and grabbing you 

On the other hand he has  scared and surprised you accidentally many times 

hope you enjoy and this inspires more fic to be written of bullfrog

[astroyongie]

How would NCT127 react if they made their significant other cry

How Would NCT127 React If They Made Their S/O Cry

Taeil

It will really depend on where exactly he made you cry

if you start crying in public he will feel uneasy

and his first move would be to take you away so people don't stare

if you guys are in private he behaves differently

he will mostly try to understand why you are crying

and why was it his fault

Taeil would want to talk about it

He would listen to you and try to understand your feelings

He would apologize if he hurt you

and he would try to compensate by snuggling with you

hug you

or give you a sorry kiss

Johnny

Johnny is a paradox

because when he hurts you and your response is by crying he will conflict with his own feelings

firstly of course he feels bad

he will want to listen to your point

of why you crying, why you reacting like that

he might even understand you

but on another side, he is way too careless

and his emotional reticence will make him think that you are overacting (again)

and that can be conflicting if he says out loud that he thinks you are being dramatic about the whole thing

He will try to be fair

but mostly he doesn't talk much to solve the thing

he will let you do whatever you want because he doesn't want to be dragged on "your drama"

Probably uses his romantic side to make you forgive him

he might take things to a physical level as well

Taeyong

Taeyong can be sharp sometimes

and if he hurt you he might not understand it at first glance

seeing you cry will make him understand

However careful, because his placements also indicate that when he hurts someone he might take the victim role

in a way "oh I hurt you, I am the bad guy, leave me" type

So depending on you this would result in a fight

or in something quiet where both of you take some time away from each other to reflect

but he ain't stupid either

and he wouldn't like to stay in such a mood

he would be the type to annoy you, to be playful until you forgive him about what he did

Yuta

Oh this boy will hate himself for making you cry

of course, if you are crying there might have been something he has done, maybe due to a fight, an argument, or something else

doesn't matter to him, even if his point of view seems logical and important he will still feel bad for making you cry

Yuta will handle this in a diplomatic way

you guys would talk through calmly

each one exposing feelings and ideas to find a middle ground

He will try his best to make you forget about this

he is the type to wipe your tears away

to hug you

to make jokes

because making you laugh somehow helps him feel less shitty about the whole thing

Doyoung

He would be surprised if you start crying because of something he said or has done

contrary to the other boys, Doyoung might use emotional and logical manipulation to get himself out of the problem

basically reviewing what went wrong and try to argue things in a way that might touch you

not to ridicule your feelings

but to put another perspective on what you are feeling so he seems less guilty

He is a perfect storyteller

and the way he always put something positive and bright into his arguments makes him see more plausible

so there's a chance that by the end of the convo, you don't even understand or remember why you started crying at the first place

He would try to use also contact and love to ease your feelings

Jaehyun

Despite being an ass in love he isn't an ass in the totality of it

meaning that if he makes you cry he will feel compassionate

he will stop whatever he did or said that hurt you

and he would give you time to calm down

Jaehyun hates conflicts and no matter if he truly loves you or not, he will be patient and calm about it

He will stay quiet and allow you to express your feelings

he might just look at you, nod his head and understand

although he might not say sorry

he will show empathy

He will try to find a common ground so you guys don't get into that situation again

he will also allow you to make your own choices concerning the relationship

Jungwoo

He would become very quiet at first when he sees you cry

the type to feel very guilty about things

but at the same time, he would try to over-analyze why what he did or said made you cry

of course, he would want to know from your version

but he still makes his own idea of why you reacted the way you did

He would make the quick decisions

to talk It through right now

so you guys won't stay stuck in this mood

He won't hold grudge against himself

but he will be very understanding

Jungwoo would apologize for his wrongdoings

and after that he will do whatever you want to do

cuddle? sure! Do you need time ? no problem will be of service

Mark

He would be on the defensive

seeing you cry will mix his ego up and that's not something he appreciated

so if you gus are arguing and you start crying he gets defensive

and impatient with your cries

asking you to stop doing so

that you are being dramatic

and that it's not his fault if you feel things that way, because that's not what he meant

Mark can be very persuasive as well

and the same way you use your feelings to communicate he will do the same

"oh you crying because of this ? well it's because you did this or that" type

it would be honestly better for you both to take time away from each other o cool down and talk later

because in the moment he will refuse your guidance

he won't listen to your point

because only his own matters

Haechan

He can be a total prick

and his capricious side would come out as well

seeing you cry won't make him emotional nor guilty

because what matter for this man is to win whatever argument you both are

even if he knows that he is wrong

his placements clearly show that he feeds of arguments

and crying won't stop him

so yeah things can get heated pretty quickly

and just like Mark I think it would be better for you guys to take some time out

to cool down

and mostly not talk to him until he changes his point of view, which can take some time

Haechan is way too complicated to deal with honestly

[rin-and-jade]

how can you begin to communicate if journaling hasn’t worked. there’s not back and forth convo or me not having memory of past entries. I just know I write things when I feel certain ways but there is no conversation bc it still feels like me .. just .. not me. and how do I know when I hear them vs when it’s intrusive thoughts or just my own thoughts? I would like to be able to talk and meet them. I want to know that they are real and not just me accidentally making it up or looking too deep into things. how can u know for sure that they are real and that you haven’t just overthought? that you haven’t willed them into existence?

If journaling hasn't worked, added by any lack of system activity as how you remember/wrote, you might have a more abstract experience rather than a direct one which is often discussed about; internal dialogue.

But it could also mean your dissociation barriers is still too high up the bar to facilitate healthy communication of the ability to self introspect, since internal communication is heavily affected by the slightest things such as brain fog, stress, lack of sleep, or physical/mental exhaustion. So, the first thing i would suggest you to do is putting aside your journal for a bit, try meditation (instead of writing things outwards, lets see how well you react to activities that requires to go inwards), and fix any stressor/needs that weren't met yet.

If you had done these two things for the past week with no changes, i will wait for you to come back, if something did change--or found something, come back earlier too! This is not a one-time-off advice, this is used to bring clarity to your situation.

Normal, intrusive, and alter thoughts are all different:

The normal ones are the ones you have daily, the things you plan to do next, planning meals, choosing your type of clothes for the day. It's characteristics will be having a consistent, uninterrupted flow,, being aware that it was thought by you, owned by you, innately.

The intrusive/impulsive ones ranges in a spectrum from uncomfortable (weird ones also counts) to panic-inducing. It is often short--a sentence or less, often associated with a cue too. Eg. you see a ledge, and your thoughts went "imagine dropping my phone down there" . Doesn't give the whole picture of what intrusive counts but its usually a thought barrages your logical or emotional reasoning in my own words.

Alter's thoughts are like the normal thoughts, but you can tell it came from a distinct perspective outside of what you were equipped with, oftentimes different accent, tone, or even the reasoning. A good way to tell if it's not an intrusive thought is if its capable of replying back or keep the conversation going. You also can attempt to deny/counter it whenever you have an intrusive thought to check which one it falls to.

Lastly, as hard as it sounds,, you cannot fake or will alters to being alive if you have a good cohesion of your integrity--which are singlets, or even me, an ex-system (yeah i final fused). It takes dissociation to do that, and i got no more dissociative coping mechanisms anymore, so its totally gone and silent in my head right now. Even if you still worry wether you truly have alters or not, its still a good idea to work on the unhealthy coping mechanisms that is not serving you well anymore.

- c

[hismercytomyjustice]

My husband effortlessly outmaneuvered my OCD today. I am still in awe.

I didn’t want to go to my piano lesson. Last week was ROUGH. On top of still struggling with this more advanced piece, I had major migraine brain fog.

The good news is that I didn’t want to fake my own death or wind up in near tears after. Yay, progress! But it wasn’t the best experience otherwise. It was just really frustrating and humiliating to struggle so much.

This more advanced piece has been triggering my OCD like crazy too.

I told him I didn’t want to go today because I hadn’t practiced enough.

He responded with “So?”

It was exactly the right answer. Even though I still tried to push back with, “I haven’t made enough progress.”

And he was just like “The point of you going is to practice. And you did practice.”

“I haven’t practiced enough.”

“Not going isn’t going to help with that.”

T^T !!!

(extended OCD rant below the cut)

I had similar convos with my therapist where she’s insisted that the only thing I need to do for piano is show up for my lessons. That is the only expectation.

My piano teacher would disagree with that, lol. But I get what she’s saying. Because my desire for “doing it right/enough” is my perfectionism OCD talking.

Which is why piano is such good unintentional ERP for me. Because it upsets my perfectionism OCD so much. My therapist has said this multiple times now.

Lol, I also finally told my piano teacher I have OCD and that my OCD loves piano. In that it loves to tell me how bad I am at it. He was telling me last week, “Just play through, it doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Which has become his new mantra for me lately. orz I was playing some for my husband too to show him how far I’ve come and he said the same thing because I kept stopping when I’d mess up. “Just play it through.”

It is SO HARD TO though. Especially with how hard my OCD focuses on every single mistake I make. Which just leads to building anxiety and more mistakes.

I’ve had moments where I’m struggling while practicing and have literally had to tell myself “practicing will only help, it can’t make you worse at this.”

Because lord knows avoidance is one of my favorite compulsions. Because you can’t be bad at something if you don’t do it, amirite? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

God, I also realized my OCD has eased up a bit when it comes to writing (sort of), but now it’s decided to focus on replying to comments on my fics instead. Something I genuinely enjoy doing because getting comments fills my heart with rainbows. It gets riled up with me trying to leave comments too.

My perfectionism OCD has decided this is a great time to overthink every single word I type. Just a constant stream of “You have to give the perfect reply to a comment, otherwise people won’t think you’re grateful enough for them taking the time to comment and they won’t want to read your fic anymore and they’ll hate you.”

And “You’ve left comments on other fics that people have said made their day. If you don’t leave a good enough comment or if you don’t comment at all, they’ll think you don’t like their fic anymore. You know how happy getting comments makes you. If you don’t comment on everything you read, that makes you a bad person.”

None of that is true, ofc. I know it’s not true. I know it’s not even logical. But it is all triggering my avoidance SO HARD. Because I can’t mess it up if I don’t do it at all! So now I have a bunch of comments that have piled up and a bunch of fics I’ve read that I haven’t commented on and I’m starting to ruminate on all of it.

And it’s just like…so objectively ridiculous. That’s not self-compassion, I know. But like, it feels so absurd to be in an OCD spiral over this. Where I am actively spending more time agonizing (ruminating) over the fact that I haven’t done either than it would take to just…reply or leave a comment on a fic.

Like. This is not a life or death situation. This doesn’t even have to be a situation! And yet the spiral continues. I stress, I avoid, I stress about avoiding. And I waste time and energy and brainpower on all of it.

I have the same issue with the other fics I’ve promised too. I’ve been deep into the final chapters of my kid!Alastor fic and hyper focusing on it as a result. But I have been talking about posting Part 8 of my Radioapple series for so long. I threw 8k words at it like a month ago and then started overthinking it and then started worrying about falling behind on my kid!fic. The same for the BG3 oneshot I drafted. All I need to do is edit it so I can post it. But editing to me = executive function (writing somehow does not…?). And, again, I wanted to get caught up on my kid!fic. So now I feel guilty for not finishing it and posting when I said I would.

None of this is anything I should feel guilty for! And I know that. I am doing all of this FOR FUN.

It is supposed to be fun!

AND YET.

Ugh. Not me over here like “My OCD hasn’t been that bad! Why can’t I get anything done?”

Because it picked new things to obsess over and I was late to the party on realizing that. ( ˶ •̀ ⤙ •́ ˶ )

I’m glad I’m meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow. My depression has been better but now that I’m aware my OCD is ~clinically severe~, I’m hoping maybe she can help get me on something that will do more to help with it. Because while the meds I’m currently on are preventing me from a full blown relapse, I don’t think they’ve been very effective at straight up treating my OCD otherwise.

I’m really hoping a different medication will help. It’s just frustrating to be putting all this work into therapy and all, but not seeing more of a reduction in my symptoms.

Literally one of the questions on the YBOC is: “How anxious would you feel if you were prevented from performing your compulsive behaviors?”

I told her it wouldn’t make me anxious because I don’t WANT to do the compulsions. And if I had a magic button in my head that would make them easier to resist, it would be the greatest thing ever. The compulsions are what’s making me anxious. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m obsessing or compulsing.

So then I get frustrated and upset at myself for not getting things done and it’s only then that I’m like, “Wait, is this an OCD spiral?”

If I could get better at recognizing them sooner and acting sooner, I think it’d go a long way toward helping me. The thing is, I don’t know if this is a medication thing or a me thing and tbh I’m worried it’s a me thing. That I’m not doing something right, and that’s why I’m having such a hard time with it all.

I really hope that’s not the case. Like, I am DESPERATE to get out of these never-ending loops. I just really, really hope that the will is already there and that a different medication can help get my OCD under control enough for me to actually make progress.

T^T Guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Lol, not me stressing now that my psychiatrist is just gonna be like “Your problem is that you aren’t trying hard enough!” Because I think my problem is trying so hard to the point I unintentionally actively sabotage myself… Like I’m trying to fight perfectionism OCD with gasoline instead of water or something.

Ugh. Fingers crossed she can give me some better insight into all this tomorrow.

I’m just curious now too if my OCD has always been this bad and I’m only just now realizing it, or if it’s just been worse in general over the past year or so for whatever reason.

FIX ME, SCIENCE! FIX ME!!!

[sixosix]

THOUGHTS THOUGHTS THOUGHTS THOUGHTS- Akjsdhfaksljhflka Exam season ended earlier than i thought so it's time to poke for details! 

I gotta start off with me kicking my feet over my shared theories from last time. They weren’t fully right but AAAA

The fact that Thawed!Reader was a distraction to Lyney and Father leaving her alone all this time…asjkghhsgaf Her just casually mentioning, ‘oh yeah, I knew she couldn’t have gone far’... And her implying that she had already had a plan to deal with this type of situation before Aether interfered just says so much about her character. I wonder how different it was going to be, because it seemed like she was just going to leave T!Reader be until she actually interfered like now. Maybe use the potion still? Relocation? Her character both in general and here makes it seem like she wouldn’t just kill her without a second thought. 

Also, I like to imagine the research she did into Rosalie was not only to come up with a plan as to what to do now that there were new variables, but to make sure her child was at least going to be ok under Rosalie’s care. After her not-a-answer answer…. Adlkfhjasldkfjlaks Father cares in her weird way it's fine, don't worry.

I love the inclusion of the potion from her story quest by the way! I think it adds a more devastating twist than what I originally thought may have been on the line, like her life. Like, Thawed!Reader would be perfectly fine, but not only does she lose memories of all the recent (and previous) memories such as any positive moments with Aether or her familial connection with Rosalie, but also people who deeply care about her (Rosalie, our fauti trio, maybe aether and paimon?) suddenly lose their friend since her identity is so closely tied to being a part of the Fauti. From being one to becoming a runaway one, almost every action she has taken till now has been influenced by her past and if she accepts then it's all gone. I know you mentioned that Lyney would absolutely still chase after Thawed!Reader even if she took the potion and he had to start from the beginning(which absolutely see it ashdlaksh) but there is absolutely no way he wouldn’t feel any short of hurt by that. Even as he tries to woo her for a third time, he’s going to be holding on to memories he can’t tell her about for multiple reasons. Experiences he adores like sparing but she may not be able to do any more. 

(Speaking of the potion, i do have my own theories on what may happen with everyone involving that… but i’ll share that in a separate ask.)

The Knave’s and Rosalie interaction was so nice; both sets of parents really do be fighting huh. But while T!Reader’s and Lyney’s was a bit more high strung, the other parents feels a bit more like understanding each other. Not that they like it, i mean, look at Rosalie. It felt like two different parents trying to co-parent, if that makes sense? I mean, like I mentioned before, if the Knave really wanted to, she could have just killed T!Reader and even Rosalie and be done with it. But besides wanting Rosalie to act as bait; she mostly had a calm discussion, and seemed to keep Rosalie’s feelings in mind as a fellow parent of this kid. I mean, she even reined in the soldiers when they lashed out at our favorite flower shop owner in their blind loyalty. And her kinda silent approval at Rosalie’s answer about the potion? Why is the set of parents that includes a harbinger having the calmer convo? (Gotta ask as well! What flower did Father give Maman? Despite the meanings, I do think that considering her ascension materials, it may have been a rainbow rose. But if we consider other Fontaine flowers, Lumiose bells also fit well! And Romaritime flowers sadfasfasdf…) 

As for T!Reader and Lyney- akdfjalskjf THE PARENTS REALLY DO BE FIGHTING HERE! Dear god the tension rising in the situation, T!Reader is blinded by worry and anger while Lyney is partly blinded by love and his want to help. Paimon, Aether and Lynette are the audience at this point (although, gotta say, love the explanation to how they know there T!Reader lives! Despite how she’s acting now in the context of Rosalie being kidnapped, it was a perfect compromise to deliver the gift but let T!Reader keep some form of privacy. Too bad it is also working against the twins in this moment with  Arlecchino’s plans. Plus, they may have found out anyway due to the fact their crew of workers had also seen T!Reader around Fontaine in the past. All it would take was one of the workers going to Rosalie’s shop while T!Reader was working.)

Lyney almost said love!! My man had a confession moment!! Too bad that it was in the middle of a fight. That whole conversation had layers I want to poke at for more information. Lyney’s automatic confirmation of betraying Father for T!Reader, her calling Rosalie her mother to everyone, Aether’s hurt at her blaming him, T!Readers fixation on the fact that; from her point of view; Lyney is only taking and taking and taking.But it's her exit that caught my eye the most. It felt like a really cool parallel from back in chapter three when T!Reader gained her vision. 

Both times T!Reader was upset and angry, and Lyney comes in as both connected to the source of her problems as well as someone who just wants to help her. Both times she lashes out at people (the fight/freezing during the first and the cruel words plus biting cold in the second). And both times she walks away leaving behind a barrier of ice (technically it was a door covered in some ice in the second fight but shh we’re still counting it).

I wonder if Lyney also recognized the parallels as well, since his tone switched from stubborn and confident to weak pleading the moment T!Reader starting walking away! Just the echoes of it, I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in lyney’s thought process was just like ‘not again, please not again’. All the effort and care he took into trying to not scare her off again just went down the drain by Arelcchino’s actions, and just like before, he’s unable to convince her to stay and let him help. However, this time, he has a lead in the form having some knowledge on Father’s methods as well as knowing that T!Reader is going to try and go after her to get Rosalie. And I’d be willing to bet money that he’s going to latch onto that and not let go. 

Also, remember how my first ask mentioned aether being a deadman once lyney found out that he blackmailed Thawed!Reader? Yeah I think we’re at that point, we’re gonna see this man go feral like he did in the fortress. Not to mention Rosalie and (maybe) Arlecchino’s reaction. I doubt Arlecchino will actually do something since the potion is already her plan but I’m sure she’s curious about how the traveler pushed up the timeline. And I doubt Rosalie is gonna be a happy maman once she learns why her daughter started hanging out with the Outlander. 

P.S, totally for absolutely no reason in particular… how do you feel about fanfics of your fanfics?

-deadman aether anon

HHEHEHE IM SO GLAD U STOPPED APOLOGIZING FOR LONG ASKS its about time…. WE LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!!

- father does care!!!!! and it shows even in canon lore!!!!!!! ofc the children wont have it easy and they wont be spoiled rotten with affection but i think thats what makes arlecchinos way of doing things even more special and i rlly wanted to incorporate that here toooo

- yesss:( mc’s entire identity is VERY tied to her “past” as a fatuus! of course lyney wouldnt be happy about mc forgetting everything that made their relationship, because what they had was very special to him!! (and i would love to hear that potion train of thought)

- i think i didnt write it clear enough which is my fault! but the flower i was hoping to hint that arlecchino was giving to rosalie was the “Snezhnayan” flower that Arle bought from her a few chapters ago. fun fact i didnt want to assume to whatever hyv had planned for snezhnaya flowers, but i wanted it to be a flower that had originated from khaenriah but still became relevant to snezhnaya. so to rosalie, it was just an imported flower, but it was one that was unique enough to make her remember whoever bought it!

- and yes HAGSHAHA i found it hilarious to write in that rosalie and arlecchino would have a calm meeting while lyney and mc are a mess and a half. i think it shows that they both have a long way to go before they reach the same level as the other two:)))

- THE PARALLEL!!!! YUUPPPPPPP i wanted to reference it in the next chapter too in case people didnt realize it but im glad u caught it BAHAHAA

- i guess we will find out if aether truly will be a dead man next chapter…. Didnt even get the chance to reunite with his sister ohhh poor boy. this is why u dont blackmail someone! learn from aether, everyone

- ALSOHELLO??? fanfics of my fanfics? oh. PLEASE. hello. YES! i would absolutely love to see how people interpret my series and the characters within them:( that would be such a joy!!!!!! but i also just want to see how people think of thawed!lyney HAHAHHA

[proveagain]

i rewatched s6 p2 earlier this week with my dad, and sorry i'm gonna ramble again because going from the frustrated scenes that lead to the locker room blowup -> the plane heart-to-heart with j.ohnny -> the 'you're a natural leader' convo with r.obby after he lands just feels SO clunky... i thought it was just because i had binged all the eps at like 2-3am that first night, but now i can tell there's at least one or two scenes in there that they cut for time. i'm not disagreeing with m.iguel's reaction to the 'you're my son, too' line because i know that's been something he's been needing to hear since after prom in s4, but the show insinuating that m.iguel's frustration is solely because j.ohnny has been favoring r.obby over him (i know whatever scene that was got cut for time bc ... vine vc bitch where) comes out of nowhere???

firstly because the 'support' j.ohnny gave r.obby didn't make it off the cutting room floor (i know he's not talking abt part 1 bc j.ohnny made a point to be unbiased and support m.iguel and r.obby evenly before the captain qualifier), but also because feeling ignored by j.ohnny was never even hinted to as a motive for the desperation m.iguel has with the captain spot in 6 part 1. he and r.obby had figured out their shit from that type of thing in s5 (another thing the writers tell instead of show but that's a rant for another time). his whole desperation for winning the taikai is that m.iguel thinks it's his only shot at swaying the stanford admissions board. he was giving d.emetri a run for his money in the 'shut tf up abt college' race in 6 part 1, and he was so preoccupied with his plan to get noticed and change the board's mind that he completely ignored and invalidated r.obby's feelings.

the main reason he's upset with j.ohnny - and with everything at that point - is that everything comes back to that lack of control he's felt on and off since season 3. j.ohnny just finished telling everyone that the results of the taikai could have them 'regretting everything for the rest of their lives' (get that '84 guilt out of here), right after telling m.iguel that his own victory on the mini platforms didn't mean shit (the only time where m.iguel did feel ignored by j.ohnny, and it wasn't to hype up r.obby bc j.ohnny sat there yelling at everyone in the locker room after), and that he the rest of the team were still going under. they're on the way back to los angeles because his mom got rushed to emergency surgery, another thing he has no control over. there's a couple lines from j.ohnny about 'not thinking like that' when j.ohnny's sharing his worry about not having control re: c.armen's situation, but i don't think that was stressed nearly enough to progress his narrative and show that correction. ideally, i think doubling down on that with a heart-to-heart with c.armen in the hospital about m.iguel fearing the risk of something happening to her again would have done that really well.

that mention of the real motive was also missing from his pep talk with r.obby after he gets back to barcelona, watered down to 'oh i was being an asshole sorry,' and i think it was a disservice to the bond they keep trying to say m.iguel and r.obby have had since s5. a lot of their 'fixing things' convos get watered down to the most basic shit, when the very core of their 5+ season conflict has always been abt miscommunication. they deserved a longer scene talking about both m.iguel and r.obby's frustrations before m.iguel started hyping him up, and i know they glossed over it because of time.

tldr: if i had a dollar for every time a character got cheated because of the short eps + cluttered character roster i'd have enough money to buy the show myself

[tigertofu]

You’ve probably already wrote about this but what about headcanons for Trevor as a husband and father?

i actually havent written abt him as a husband and i have done some headcanons of him as a new father (heres that list if ur interested n havent seen it already) but i'll very happily do more so ty for this request !! 💕💕 love thinking abt him in Domestic situations........

pairing: reader/Trevor (no gendered language used for reader)

summary: headcanon list of Trevor as a husband and father.

cw's: child endangerment ?

wordcount: 1,044

as a husband : 

• when it comes to Trevor and marriage, canonically, there’s some uhhh mixed signals? he’s said to Michael that he isn’t “the marrying type” but we also have seen him beg total strangers to marry him (like Mary Ann). i think, if he were to seriously consider marrying somebody, it would be after dating for quiiiiite awhile. he’d want to make absolutely sure that the person he proposes to is someone who will truly dedicate themselves to being with him for the rest of their life cuz boy howdy i cannot imagine his abandonment issues and a possible divorce mixing well at all. he’d wanna make sure 100% that the marriage will last forever. but once he does propose, it will be both sentimental and casual. probably somewhere important to the two of you, like the place where you first met, or had your first date, or fucked for the first time.

• the second you two are married, he’ll be overjoyed by the fact that someone loves him enough to want to spend the rest of their life with him, so he’ll be coasting through ecstatic, marital bliss for a long while after the wedding. just in the best of moods. he’ll be extremely clingy during this time, more than ever. smothering really. he’ll wanna spend as much time as possible with you. he’ll love to show you off every chance he gets; mention that he’s married to a wonderful person every chance he gets, to everyone he comes into contact with. 

• he’ll expect you to move in with him (if you aren’t already living together at his place) after getting married cuz there’s no way in hell he’s moving out of his trailer if he doesn’t have to. he’ll let you renovate/redecorate/clean the place as much as you want, though.  

• one caveat for this newly married phase: he won’t immediately understand that being married = assumed mutual monogamy. and this isn’t because of any malicious reason at all; he’ll just continue on enjoying strippers as he always has and he won’t try to hide it because he won’t even be aware that he's doing something generally frowned upon. you’ll quickly notice that he’s still visiting the Vanilla Unicorn for more than just business reasons. once you tell him that hey, being married means not fucking (or groping or ogling) anybody but your spouse, he’ll knock off the stripper habit for good. he might have a mini breakdown and assume you’re about to tell him you’re leaving him when you first start the “hey no more strippers” convo, but will calm down once you tell him that you aren’t planning on a divorce or anything. 

• he will frequently bring you little gifts. bouquets of dandelions picked from the side of the highway or flowers yoinked from some random house’s garden, takeout dinner from your favorite restaurant, articles of clothing that he sees in the shops while out alone and assumes you would look good in (that will also probably not be anywhere near your size or style). it’s the thought that counts, though. and every time he brings you home a little treat or something special, he will present it to you with the biggest, self–satisfied grin because he knows that that’s what good husbands do and he is being the totally greatest husband ever.   

• he will constantly ask if he’s being a good husband and will need frequent reassurance that yes, he is being good. because of his abandonment issues, he will always be a little weary about treating you well.

---------

as a father: 

• imo Trevor as a father can be pretty much summed up in three words: protective, problematic, and proud. 

• from early on in the child’s life he will be sure to pound into their head that they are THE smartest, strongest, bestest son/daughter ever. this is for two reasons. 1 (subconscious): his mother and her myriad of boyfriends/husbands/johns never gave him a single encouraging word while he was growing up and he will want to kind of heal from that by being the exact opposite with his own child. and 2 (very much conscious): any child of his is just going to be the Strongest Smartest Bestest Kid Ever because duh, they came from good stock.

• he may not be the most involved dad (busy with his work and such), but he will be a fun dad. so fun it’s dangerous. kid sees their dad handling a gun one day and expresses interest? time for Baby’s First Firearm! who cares if they aren’t even old enough to write their own name? doesn’t matter. it’s a tough world out there; get that kid a fucking pistol and teach them how to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights ASAP. arguments may occur when you try to tell Trevor that no, the kid is not old enough for a gun or a knife or a dirtbike or fire crackers or any other number of age–inappropriate things. despite being extremely protective of his offspring, the largest threat to their wellbeing will be, inadvertently, him. 

• he’ll probably wanna “”””””homeschool“””””” the kid because (according to him) fuck the government they teach useless stuff in public schools nowadays anyways and his kid isn't gonna waste their precious formative years learning about US presidents and the fucking water cycle no sirree they're gonna learn how to make it out in the Real World. curriculum will include how to shoot at the earliest age you are okay with the kid handling a gun, how to drive as soon as they’re tall enough to reach the gas pedal of Trevor’s Bodhi, how to deal with cops and the shady characters that inhabit Sandy Shores, how to scrap, etc etc etc.

• the kid will absolutely love Trevor though. like absolutely adore him and very much look up to him. he already has a bit of experience with handling kids because of being around for Jimmy and Tracey's childhoods, but there will be a few things in the parenting department that would be better left up to you. like how to healthily process emotions, how to politely interact with other people, how to maintain personal hygiene, etc.

[youngerdrgrey]

must you do the things you do? // The Morning Show fic (1 / 2)

about: 2x06 Episode Tag. After outing Bradley and Laura (via The Vault), Cory stops over at Laura's dressing room for a chat. Laura pieces a few things together. or, Laura gets the chance to call out Cory for his crush on Bradley at the most inopportune time for them all. (Read on AO3) . notes: the title is literally from "The Boy is Mine." Here's another oneshot I started in 2021 and cleaned up this week. In 2x06, after Bradley and Laura were outed (by Cory in exchange for protecting Hannah’s memory), we saw the conversation between Cory and Bradley. He told her she didn’t have to explain herself, and she told him that she thought maybe it would be good for her to have to admit to everyone that she actually wants to be with Laura. But what could the convo between Cory and Laura have looked like?

~

Laura never should’ve come back to The Morning Show. If it weren’t for Bradley, she wouldn’t have. Leave it to Laura to somehow get outed twice on the same time slot. At least last time, she didn’t have to do a live broadcast as the news broke. And there was no Twitter back then. If people wanted to call her a predatory lesbian, they had to at least try calling the station.

Cory chuckles from the doorway of her dressing room. It’s probably meant to sound disbelieving, or comforting. It mostly sounds hollow. Almost pleased.

Laura may be projecting. May be possessive of Bradley in the face of a man she knows would do far more than he should for their favorite news anchor. He might even enjoy seeing them fall apart.

She speaks first. “All these years, and this might be the first time you’ve been in my dressing room.”

He goes for the joke. Voice lowering to a conspiratorial show whisper. “You don’t see many of my type.” When her eyes don’t stray from her vanity’s mirror, Cory pulls on his most sympathetic grin. “Forgive the joke. I thought a little levity could help on a difficult day. It must… bring back memories.”

Laura’s done a lot of work to keep as many of them buried as possible. The strain might tinge her words. “It must. But I’m not the one you should be talking to.” Nor is she the one he wants to. His eyes betray him.

He offers first, “Bradley’s not answering her door.” That explains it. She can’t help the soft chuckle that brings up. Cory adds, “I also wanted to have a word with you.”

He shifts as he says it. Cory always has the sort of chaotic energy of static trapped inside a bottle, unable to break free.

Laura turns in her chair to give Cory her full attention. In turn, Cory finally steps further into her room. He stays standing, which is either a power play or a move for a quick exit.

“Now I won’t ask you to confirm or deny what I’m seeing,” he says. “From a studio standpoint, it can and should be treated as gossip. I can understand how things could be misconstrued. Something as simple as two friends headed home….”

Is that how he wants to play it? Turn UBA against The Vault? Play Laura as the horrified mentor who can’t be near a woman without dating accusations. Bradley’s just a victim. A sweet ally on the wrong side of salacious rumors. A spurned woman who triumphantly powered through the broadcast while the whole world questioned if she was sleeping with her co-anchor.

“It’s interesting,” Laura starts before the thought has fully formed, “that this happened on my first day back. How fortunate this is for the ratings.”

Cory smiles that crooked, too wide smile at her implication. No denial, but then again, she has no proof. 

Laura adds, “I will defer to Bradley on how to handle this situation. Your input is appreciated, but as you’ve already referenced, this isn’t my first time on Page Six.”

He nods, but he doesn’t say anything else. His hands wring, knuckles circling under the pads of his thumbs. He’s teeming with something. Building up his courage to ask what he really wants to know.

He snaps his fingers. “You know I do wonder how we got to this moment. One second, you had to be coaxed to interact with our anchors, and the next….” His eyebrows pitch up for emphasis. He tries to sound so casual.

Laura reminds him, “You brought me into this. You asked me to get close to Bradley.”

A fire lights behind his eyes. “I said coach her, not poach her to your — this —“ Laura lifts a sculpted brow, but Cory holds up a finger as he retracts and rephrases. He tries again with a humorless laugh. “Hey, a lot can happen in thirty-six hours.”

“A lot can happen in a year as well. I can sense how you feel about Bradley.” 

This, he denies. “I worry about her. She didn’t have the benefit of the mentors that you had, and—“

“And you think I’m taking advantage of her? Hypothetically speaking.”

“I wouldn’t dare think that.”

Laura leans forward in her seat. “Yet you’re here, in my dressing room, to what? Defend her honor? Pretend to check on me so that you have the right words to comfort her later? Let me help you. When somebody chooses to out you, first it’s terrifying. Your heart pounds. Blood rings in your ears until eventually the shock settles in.”

She’d seen the exact moment it clicked for Bradley. When the world snapped back into focus with the eyes of the nation on Bradley and that ridiculous prank nose.

Laura continues, “Then it’s a bit easier to breathe but impossible to do anything else. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s lying down now. Staring at the ceiling, or the wall, or squeezing her eyes shut. She’ll get the strength to respond eventually. But the internet is there, so the tweets will find her before anything else does. Then her family, then whoever else has access. And regardless of how she responds, or the show does, she’ll spend the rest of her life aware that this is what happened, here, on your stage.”

He stiffens. “You were seen.”

“Seen what? Going into a hotel room? People do that. Particularly people who’ve interviewed each other and don’t want to talk about sensitive topics in the public eye. People can laugh and hold hands, but the moment a lesbian is involved, it’s a problem. It’s sensational. It’s the type of information that can change things.”

Change the conversation. Laura’s eyes widen as it clicks. This news would take the focus off of Hannah, off of TMS and UBA+ and Alex in Maggie’s upcoming book. This news would be enough to bury something.

Cory watches as Laura processes. He at least has the decency to meet her eyes. Her friend. Her boss. Her traitor. Then he blinks, and his smile is back like it never dropped. Brighter than before even.

He says, “I’ll check with Bradley. See how she wants to handle this. I’ll let you know.” He reels around, and that’s when a second click happens.

Yes, Cory could’ve done this for UBA. But he absolutely did it for Bradley. To tear her down and then scoop up the pieces. To save her in the way only her boss can. To ruin her and Laura before they had a chance to become untouchable. They won’t survive something like this, not alone, and Bradley won’t let them be together.

Laura has to fix this. She has to talk to Bradley. She can’t lose her, not yet.

.

.

read part two

[highfantasy-soul]

NATLA Episode 6 - Masks (3/5)

[Masterlist of my NATLA thoughts]

An explanation of what I'm doing here and my history with ATLA.

Of course, full spoilers ahead.

<previous/next>

Love that they expand the convo between Aang and Zuko and give a reason for not immediately heading to save Sokka and Katara (whom were currently dying of thirst and fever in the animated show) - fire nation soldiers were still searching around. In the animated version, Aang just stays with Zuko until morning for…some reason? while his friends are dying.

Everything Zuko does is such a great choice, acting wise. He really acts like a teen trying to convince people he's badass and confident - which to the teen, is done in totally legitimate ways while us olds can see right through that mask and see how insecure and inexperienced with what true confidence is. Again with the masks, Zuko over-acts to convince others (and himself) that he's strong and can do it alone - hence him slapping away Aang's hand he stretches out to help Zuko. It's honestly a funny scene because we can see how petulant and ridiculous him slapping away a helping hand is, but with Zuko's past and how he's been taught to be strong alone - yet never actually has gotten any solid teaching on HOW to do that - Zuko sees it as a reasonable reaction.

I think it was a really great move to expand his and Aang's conversation here. In the animated series, Aang only talks about Kuzon and what life was like for Aang before and how much he misses it. Here, Aang talks TO and WITH Zuko rather than just talking AT him. Aang starts by appraising him of the situation - there are guards patrolling the woods so they need to hunker down for the moment, then he tries to help, then just sits with Zuko - close, and facing him rather than in a corner. He shows Zuko that he's actually confident, not afraid of Zuko, and not intending to be antagonistic either. Aang sets the tone as only Aang can: one that's genuinely kind and open, wanting to talk the issues through, not solve it with threats or violence. Then he opens with a disarming question - one meant to connect the two of them, to humanize himself to Zuko and show that he sees Zuko as another person, not just an enemy, too. It's just SO AANG!

That's always been Aang's superpower - like Katara said back on Kyoshi Island: it's his ability to connect with people that makes him so special. Especially thrust into a world that's been at war for 100 years, that wears on EVERYONE, people are done trying to play nice, it's hit now and hit hard - no diplomacy is going to work because it hasn’t worked for 100 years. Aang doesn’t have that baggage. He really is a man out of time - and he uses that to his advantage here.

He tries it other places and it rarely works, but with Zuko, it can. Aang starts with a question that looks like it's going one direction, but veers into something so beautifully mundane. When he asks if it's ok to ask 'a personal question', everyone's (and probably Zuko's too) thought goes to the scar - it's the big thing that 'different' about him, that defines him, just as so many people with visible differences/disabilities know. "Can I ask how you became blind? How you lost your leg? What it's like living with Down Syndrome?" All those questions about, usually, not the things people are so proud of (not that they're ashamed, per se, but like, why talk about a missing leg when we can talk about their artwork, ya know?) or want to sit around and chat about. But Aang veers left - what type of hair do you use for your calligraphy brush?

Aang opens with an off-kilter question, then follows up with a compliment: "your characters are so neat", then some self-depreciating humor "I can never get mine like that. The monks used to say lemur droppings were more legible than my brush strokes". It's just impossible to not be put at ease by him talking to Zuko like a person - finding common ground, mundane and 'insignificant' as it is, but Zuko doesn't crack - yet. I think it was great that they used Zuko's notebook not just as a convenient goober to get Aang the info he needed in a neat little package, but to bring it back as a point of connection between him and Zuko - Zuko's desperation to end his banishment helped Aang.

Something so important to Zuko did genuine good and helped the person he was hunting - and he was GENUINELY thanked for it. Not only thanked for it, but he got an actual apology from Aang about stealing it - I wonder how many times Zuko had ever been apologized to after someone hurt him or stole his things.

Zuko stays stone-faced, but he's not angry - he doesn't look away either. To me, it feels like he's trying hard to calculate how he thinks he's SUPPOSED to react to Aang telling him this. I think he wants to be proud of his work, of Aang telling him that he has info on past Avatars no one else has, how Aang stayed up long nights reading his work, how it really has helped him. Here's someone who is genuinely telling Zuko that his work is good - not just good, but unique and impactful the way no one else's work is. He's the best at this - what he did is worthy of respect and praise.

Finally, after Aang tells him Zuko's notebook (he) helped him a lot, Zuko breaks - he tells Aang he uses goat hair for his brushes as it gives him more control. The façade of hard, unfeeling badassery is broken and he's just another kid discussing stationary and how to please exacting teachers. And uuuuggghhh Aang is just so charming and disarming with his self-deprecating jokes! Just like how he tried to cheer up Katara with his little joke about 'I think that's what the monks said - I never listened', he makes another about always getting caught snoring while he was supposed to be meditating and Zuko breaks!! The big bad, hard core firebender SMILES!!!! Then he quickly reins it in and tries to return to his stoic scowl.

It's so good having Aang and Zuko slide into a discussion about 'sides' as it does look strange that Zuko is 'fighting against' other firebenders. Zuko starts out by flipping right back to anger, to forceful faux confidence, then realizes that he's having to face his 'enemy' and tell this kid whose joke he just laughed at that he's still needing to capture him. But he takes a more casual stance, a resigned tone, not a forceful one, as he tells Aang that he can only return home if he captures him and takes him in, he can then become the next fire lord. Yet again, Zuko is questioned about whether that's actually what he wants and another point of connection between the two is forged - Zuko insists that yes, of course he wants to be the fire lord, that's what everyone expects of him. Expectation. We know that Zuko doesn't actually care about the throne, he just wants acceptance and his family back, but Zuko has been told the way to get that is through being the perfect prince - that wanting the throne is the same as getting his family.

I love how Zuko starts to get clearly agitated at the direction the conversation is taking - I would attribute that to people poking at his beliefs that he's had to cling to because if they come crumbling down under too much scrutiny, he won't know what to do - and Aang immediately tries to calm him down, not raise his voice, tries for kind and gentle advice given to him by his own mentor - opening up and being vulnerable with Zuko in an attempt to regain that connection they had just shared. And it works - he opens up about how he's so worried about the expectations about him being the Avatar and Zuko calms down, he shifts back and relaxes again.

Aang pushes in, telling Zuko how different he is from the other firebenders, how he knows what the fire lord is doing is wrong, how Zuko could be better than them - on the surface and initially, things Zuko might like to hear. But Aang pushes it too far - he mentions compassion and all that trauma rushes to the surface and Zuko is reminded just how painful being different from the other firebenders can be - how much punishment compassion brought him.

He feels like he has to overcompensate yet again - never show weakness, never show vulnerability, never accept someone else's criticism of his actions or of the actions of those he's associated with. I think it's very telling that he starts with declaring that he's the crown prince - that he is to be the example for all firebenders. His expectations don't only extend to himself and how he should be viewed by his father - he sees the entire fire nation as looking at him and judging his actions and worth - expectations that crush him as they tell him to be a certain way I think he already knows he doesn’t want to be. And even though his father was clearly abusive, he still insists that he's a great man - to save face, he has to deny the accusations of the enemy and declare that his abuser is actually good and no one is allowed to say otherwise (oh my god, seriously Zuko, stop stealing these lines from my DnD character! I swear she did it first, it's not just that Zuko's journey is so incredibly organic in his experience and reaction to the abuse that it transcends through to other mediums seamlessly).

And finally, Zuko can't take it anymore, he has to firmly put that mask back on and yells at Aang that compassion is a sign of weakness - and attacks. Finally, Aang is afraid of Zuko, and dispatches him again, but Aang is a smart kid - he recognizes the pain that talk of compassion brought out in Zuko. He doesn't blame Zuko for it, he sees how much he's been hurt already and I think, yet again, that's what makes Aang such an amazing protagonist and Avatar - he WANTS everyone to be good at heart. He wants to connect, to find paths to healing and cooperation. And he is willing to see past rough edges to the heart of gold within.

<next post is going to go into detail about what I thought about the Agni Kai and the additions to Ozai's character behavior>

[williammr01]

I have so many thoughts about the episode, but like everyone involved in the show deserves so much recognition. The editors, director, stylists, this show wouldn’t have taken off the way it has without the amount of care and detail from everyone involved with making the show. I hope at some point whoever is in charge of rights and distribution can make the series available on dvd.  I’ve loved/loved to hate all the characters, but Mon was always the hardest for me to understand because she is so young, and the motivation behind some of her decisions wasn’t apparent in the first 5 eps on first viewing (no shade on Becky, I think she’s done wonders with Mon’s character). But when Mon said she could be whatever Sam needed, even though the idea was clearly hurting her, I was like: okay, I see you. I get it. Mon’s always going to do what she thinks is the right thing, about everything, not just work. She’s always gonna react to situations, not do what she wants, unless it comes to Sam. Sam is the one who has shown Mon it’s okay to do what Mon wants. So when Kirk got in her head, I was so proud of her for getting through that convo with him. I knew obviously that she was gonna leave, just like I knew Sam would cave to grandma on her own; but that conversation with Kirk and her, Mon stuck to her guns, wanting to believe that she and Sam were still doing the right thing- that they deserved to be happy. I really liked how, for even just a day, Mon chose what she wanted. Nice bit of character growth imo. Becky is amazing and talented, and don’t even get me started on what she did in the last scene. Sam. Sigh. Freen broke my heart so many times in this episode. I’ve always loved Sam as a character, even though I’d say for most viewers Sam was toxic until halfway thru the series. And to be clear, yes she does have some toxic traits, but it’ll take years away from her grandma to resolve those. I’ve always had a softspot for strong silent types that have been hurt but still continue on, and Freen does an amazing job giving Sam different facets and layers. This episode is just... the way Sam was so honest about what she needed, about what the situation would be if Mon stayed- that she said Mon didn’t have to stay, but that Sam need Mon. It was completely heart wrenching that she was trying to be open, to give Mon a choice, but to also do what Mon had asked and be honest about what she wants. I don’t think I made it through a single scene of Sam’s without crying. And the last scene, ugh. Sam was all ready to go in, and her sister wasn’t there, but she was going to go fight grandma anyway for her and Mon. That she told Mon to wait, so grandma wouldn’t hurt Mon again, perfect, even though she just made it a thousand times harder on herself. As soon as Sam had begged Mon not to leave, and managed to convince her to stay, I knew grandma was toast, but I had really hoped she would have back up. The look on Sam’s face when she saw grandma and Kirk, the two people she had been closest to and loved the most, and then they ignored her- the way Freen conveyed the love, hurt and betrayal was top notch. Even though it hurt Sam to hurt them, you could tell she still thought there might be a chance they would see her. Sam didn’t break even when grandma collapsed, but then grandma said her plan would make Sam happy, and Sam knew that was wrong. Freen really sold me on Sam’s devastation that grandma really would never see her or love her as much as Sam did. I was so thankful Neung showed up then, if only to give Sam a moment to not think about that. Of course Neung went off on grandma (yay!), but the look of fear on Sam’s face, how she was so worried this would push grandma into a worse condition that just momentarily collapsing, that was just daggers that made me feel guilty for enjoying Neung’s defense.

And here’s her older sister, who has been gone for years, just pounding the obvious truth in her face, making Sam’s heartbreak and fear worse with each word. And grandma was proving Neung’s point over and over again, but Sam was also unable to walk away because she thought her grandma was having a  medical problem. How Sam couldn’t hurt her grandmother and walkaway if it was going to kill grandma, but her own grandmother wouldn’t stop and do the same for her, even in the face of potentially serious health issues. And then the back and forth of Neung and Grandma trying to convince her, when Sam didn’t need to be convinced at all, she was just desperately trying to think of way to deescalate the fight, but also not back down. Because if they forced her to choose, it would always be Mon. Sam had literally just faced her worst fear, and it wasn’t losing grandma, it was losing Mon. The little looks between Sam and Mon, Mon completely understanding, telling her it was okay, and still Sam held on- it was Grandma calling her name, making her choose, forcing Sam to pick herself. I was bawling at that point and had to rewatch the end.  So much character growth, and Freen just killed it and me. I’ve never felt so much for a character, the closest was Lexa from The 100. And Gap is just giving me all the hopes I’d had for Lexa, and saying “watch this, she’s gonna get her happy ending”. So yeah, I never thought a Thai gl with 12 eps was gonna make me care so much, but they did. I didn’t expect for Freen to take what could have been only a maladjusted character and give them so much feeling and depth, that I watched this ep fully knowing I have to wait two weeks to get that happy ending.

[cupidssorbet]

"Ice cold."

Sodo & Rain falling for the new ice ghoul bandmate! (Separate prompts for both!)

Summary: An icy new ghoul joins the band to add some elegant touches to the group. But what happens when two ghouls happen to fall for this icy ghoul??

★ Please read: ★ Reader is gender neutral, as well as there being mainly fluff in this one! Another request from the prior anon! Much love to them again!!

Sodo:

While sodo did know they’d be getting a new bandmate he wasn’t how would you say going to behave like Aether and mountain had asked of him. He preferred to show the new ghoul what they were in for. Now he and the others didn’t know what type of ghoul they’d be till they arrived, as Swiss had called, “A surprise ghoul package.” Even if they’d explain that said ghoul would not be coming in a mail package.

And when they were made aware the day had arrived they had gotten ready to introduce them. Sodo keeping a mischievous toothy grin on his face while waiting. Then what felt like a few minutes turned longer. “Are they even going to show Aether?” Swiss sighed now playing card games with Rain rather bored of the situation.

“Goodness..It’s rather cold in here? Did someone open the windows or something?” Cumulus stated while rubbing her arms, “I don’t think so? Why is it so cold?” Aether looked around trying to find the culprit of the cold air. “It’s me..Actually.” a quiet voice said raising their arm a bit. Then all eyes turned to them, “So you must be the new ghoul then? Considering the air turned rather chilly you must be..an Ice ghoul?” Swiss asked looking at them as Sodo circled them a bit.

They nodded and watched Sodo with their eyes as they rested their hands on another rested on their legs. “Gosh sorry we didn’t see you come in, Apologies for that. I’m aether, the ones that are circling you would be Swiss and Sodo.” Then it continued down the line. Finishing with them getting to know you, “I’m (Name), it’s nice to meet you.” And with that you were off to ask Sister what instrument you needed to play or what you should be doing.

And just like that you were doing your own thing, rather quiet compared to the ghoul you ended up next to on stage. That ghoul being Sodo, the loud and all over the place fire ghoul stuck next to a icy quiet ghoul who did things with elegance and grace. With being next to you for rehearsals throughout that week he couldn’t help but be curious of you. You didn’t fight with other ghouls over stuff, you didn’t yell or jump around when preforming. You did your piece of the songs with elegance and swiftness, clean and done. Just like that.

Amongst everyone you were so quiet barely giving a few words, so Sodo being himself decided that one day while you were all down in the little ghoul room he’d try to spark up a convo with you. “Sooo, (Name), Everything going smoothly?” He said sitting down beside you as you worked to fix your instrument. You just nodded. Hmm not getting very far with what he wanted.

“Dooo you like everyone?” He said leaning closer looking at you, then another nod. No words just a nod. He sighed rather dramatically, “I can understand not wanting to talk but not even a yes or no? What’s with ya huh?” His voice was rather loud next to you and the way he was so interested in why you didn’t talk much was amusing to you.

You look at him with that icy stare and just shook your head, “Because to me, Actions speak louder than words. And in your case your words and your actions are always loud.” You hummed putting the instrument down beside your leg. “Well I uh don’t quiet mean to be, I’m not used to having someone right by my side of the stage.” He looked up and away rubbing his neck with his hands.

“But then again I do not mind your loudness,” you got up offering a hand to the hot fire ghoul. The ghoul gave a toothy smile and took it. Going upstairs with you. Sooner or later the two of you became like the sun and the moon, total opposites, but they do say opposites attract!

Rain:

When you had shown up it was a bit of surprise to everyone to say the least, but to Rain he felt so at ease instead of cold. He didn’t know how to put his fingers on it but he was entranced by you. When you had started to help out around the ministry, musical wise or just in general the way you were quiet but elegant about it just had him drawn to you in an understanding kind of way.

He could help but watch when you did things and it wasn’t in an odd or perverse way the water ghoul was just intrigued by you a part of him wanting to get to know you the way he felt he should. He felt like you would get him with being a quiet ghoul and all. But one of those days he couldn’t find you he’d left the ghoul den in search of you. All he saw was a blur when you left as you had left rather fast.

When he finally found you, you were out in the cold snow covered courtyard. Sitting in front of flowers that did not die during the winter. You didn’t seem to be stressed over the noises of the ghouls anymore you seemed to be relaxed and calm sitting in the cold outside. And yet again some how you had resonated with him. He enjoyed the cold rain when it did rain, it was like a getaway.

He wanted to walk out to you and sit with you but he preferred to watch you from afar as you hummed to yourself watching the snow fall and picking the flowers gently. He’d prefer that you would be relaxed and in time he would be able to try to talk to you or just sit with one another.

(Sorry if it’s a bit short! Expect some more soon! Angst, maybe smut? Who knows! Till I write again, love Daph!)

[unrealblacklightvirus]

um hi guys i made a sideblog for this whole alex thing.. . Infodump below :0 [and a lil edit, oct 2023]

call me whatever you want, Alex is fine if ur used to calling me that LOL, unAlex (lmao) as long as it's not too weird I'm probably fine. i use he/him pronouns too, aromantic. i dont ship any characters with anyone, sorry if u were looking for that here!

I started realblacklightvirus as a way for me to make a funny blog and joke around with my silly little headcanons... combining lots of little bits of other's ideas too (you may have noticed that some stuff that alex does or is or talks about might be suspiciously on target with your ideas... hehe) but it was mostly for myself and creating a comedic space.

Then I started getting more followers which I was happy to have (still am! I'm glad that you all love my alex and the game so much!!!) and now a lot of the people who've I've seen as long time prototype enjoyers interact with me? I've always seen myself as just an outside viewer, watching all these people talk and create about this game that I truly love so I was inspired to make my own little hole, never expecting it to become anything other than a half-joke blog.

When people started role-playing with me, I'll admit that I was afraid. Not of the people initiating it, but because I genuinely haven't roleplayed since I was like, 11 . Sticking with my character was hard because I built him on mostly lighthearted ideas with the occasional angsty lore dump, but I hope I've done well rping with yall.

I am not super familiar with rping rules especially unspoken ones, probably most obvious with me never using ooc notes (I am really into not breaking immersion for myself, I am completely fine when others do it though, i think it makes everything so much clearer and I love the funny ooc notes when the character does something!)

Unfortunately I am also not good with going beyond the original content, so I deeply apologize if I struggle to interact (or fail to interact at all) with your rp. I really have a hard time getting into character when meeting someone that breaks or bends the original "reality" too far. But I will try picking at bits and pieces that work with me when I can!

[Edit oct 2023: just here to revise the above; i am not a roleplay account! Or at least, not a roleplay account of normal means. I will avoid doing extensive roleplay that makes characters do this, go there, do a certain action move, parenthesis or italics or asterisks or otherwise... i will do character talk, dialogue, implied action (there are some good examples when alex replies to stuff like questions, or when hes "in a situation". This is kind of hard to explain but ill do some light, and i mean REALLY light roleplay with a very select group of people.) I am not really open to rping with new people, especially ocs, unless they are really good/well-made and pretty canon-adherent. Even then, i wont really jump into every roleplay convo because again, i am not a roleplay account. I am here to make funny joke and say in-character crap... With occasional angst and minor rp elements. Also i dont stray from canon too far, although i can make exclusions that are plausible. Check out the #alex notes tag for what i think.]

Please note that I think I am neurodivergent... haven't been diagnosed (I understand both sides of the diagnose or not argument, this is not about that) but I have genuine sensory problems, anxiety, and hyperfixations (which is probably very obvious....ahem Alex ahem...). A lot of Alex's characterization is based off of me! I can understand nondirect ways of speaking and figurative language though, pretty good at telling emotions , love ela and microexpressions, etc. But I struggle with online conversations and sometimes I may type something that may seem a little rude - please tell me, I overthink everything I type!!!

Thanks for reading!

[softpine]

Omg do u think that there could be a game path where if Jada and Austin (somehow) have a higher relationship then the default, she could convince him to stand down? Maybe their convo could go like this:

Jada: what if Elaine was here and saw you do this?

Austin: Don’t bring her up

Jada: I’m not a liar, Austin. You know that.

Then maybe if Austin does let Alisa go, and they return to the cabin, Elaine can repair her relationship with Austin after the elevator scene after she sees that he’s suffering the same way everyone else is and he was just scared. Oh man I’m thinking of even more!!!! What if Jada misses and shoots Alisa on accident!!! Aaaaaaaa!!!!!! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

i could definitely see the elaine card being played in BOTH directions. not only could jada ask "what if elaine was here and saw you do this?" but austin could also ask "what if elaine knew you killed her fucking boyfriend?" because at this point, they both think elaine is dead (and she can be), but honestly that would be an even stronger deterrent for jada and austin, because they're both christian and they surely believe that their loved ones are watching over them. they know they're acting in ways elaine wouldn't approve of, but the situation is so stressful that i'm not sure if this kind of emotional appeal would actually change anything. they've already done things they're not proud of, so what's one more?

but i like the idea of their relationship affecting the outcome!! because austin and elaine go off on their own so early in the night, it'd be tough for me to imagine anything changing his relationship with jada drastically enough to make her not shoot him. there would definitely have to be some type of intense action sequence prior to the safe room scene to make him look more sympathetic in their eyes. i can think of a few things, but i would have to change a bunch of things after that to make it fit (boom butterfly effect) so let me hold off on that jfksjds but maybe their traits could change things? i know traits don't really change things in the game, but that'd be a whole new layer of decision making if the characters could refuse your decisions based on their own traits. like if jada's bravery is too low, she won't even pick up the gun. and if austin's honesty has gone up high enough, he can show them the bite before things have a chance to get out of hand. alisa will do her thing regardless of traits or relationships because she has zero connection to austin and she's not trying to die tonight lol

jada accidentally shooting alisa would be WILDDD because not only would jada be horrified, so would austin. he wasn't actually trying to hurt anyone, he was just reacting like a cornered animal. but truly i think this would break jada. i don't think she'd be able to go on. if it were austin who died, she would be able to justify it (at least for the moment – she'd fall apart later) by believing he would've turned and hurt other people. but if she directly killed someone who did nothing wrong and was never a danger to others, jada wouldn't be able to function. she'd stay in that room until the moment it caught on fire. even if someone tried to save her, she'd stay :(

and i agree, i think there's a way elaine could forgive austin if she understood how truly dead she seemed lmao. he thought there was no way she could survive a fall like that, and he didn't hear her screaming anymore so he saw no point in going after her again. i do still think they'd break up though, because they both have very different ways of dealing with trauma (and possibly grief depending on who dies that night). oh man imagine a playthrough where matt AND stevie die, that would really highlight the differences in how elaine and austin deal with losing their best friend. there's just so many ways it could go, but i do think there's a way they could remain close!!

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

[subbybunnyboo]

i feel like this is something i can’t post in my channel with friends, but i need to vent

well, if i had made this post two or even one month ago i would have written ‘i fucked up’ as i said i hoped i wouldn’t in my “goodbye post”

but times go by and you start realizing that you were fucking abused and i’m not talking about physical/sexual harm and i havent been degraded (i mean only when i wanted to if you remember thematics of my blog). STRAIGHTLY. now i know what gaslight is first-hand.

i dont want to tell the full story here, just imagine situation when you have to overthink and rethink your every phrase several times before saying it with your partner. or feeling such a miserable person you have to visit therapists and stopping yourself from jumping under the train from thinking that you are a burden. i mean, yes, many people (sadly) experience this, BUT IMAGINE it all disappears right after you break up.

you feel like absolute shit and cry all the time, but when ‘should i kill myself?’-thought crosses your mind it doesnt stay even for a second. like, nah, i dont want to. i dont need to work on this, i just dont think that way

we broke up two months ago and i still feel broken. i tried to meet new people and they do like me and in two days they may treat me better than my ex in 5 months… but i just cant feel anything. they can be hell of a gentleman, get me flowers and coffee, shower me with kind words and we can have a great funny convo about lots of our common interests. but i come home and remember our first ‘date’ and cry. and i dont even cry like CRY, i just try to fall asleep while tears are going down my face. and we talk, meet again. but i feel nothing like i used to.

and i just saw a reels (99% of my feed actually) with a biker, but it was a special one for an unknown reason. i felt summer air. and felt how i want short nights, ‘white’ nights of petersburg, green, motorcycles on streets. and i miss..maybe what pops up in my mind a lot.. when it was “well i wanted to meet with you and i still do, so if you want it too…” “i do” “then what?” “finish your uni task, i’m ordering you a taxi” after he fell asleep when we were supposed to meet and not “what time should i come over?” *no respond* “i wont” “okay” and then blaming me in making scenes and saying “instead of this we could have a talk in discord, or you could be here and play with my dog or we could watch something, but no, you preferred making drama” when i did not make any. well, instead of acting like a jerk for whom i dont exist as well as my feelings, YOU could invite me for real, show me that you wanted me there or offer talking in disco.

no, i was guilty for everything. when this person was guilty - it was my fault. every single time

its just such a person. i dont know if all he has done was on purpose or not. i am not sure if i want to know. but he is probably too smart not to know what exactly he was doing

there is no single day i dont think about him and in my mind i just cant let him go. all that feeling like he is one of a kind. and connection. unhealthy, but connection

there is no abuse without good moments. and such moments make you think maybe if you did something slightly different… if you swallowed such treatment that time… understood him better this time…. but then you open your chat and read how he treats you like literal SHIT and it just hits you hard like a truck

i am deeply hurt. i am a person you should not meet and fall in love with right now. right now i can cause only pain, but im not a sick sadist, i dont enjoy it. but i understood i need to give myself time to heal. not to try meeting new people that would replace him. and for sure not to try to get him back. however, i dont know jf i will follow these words. hopefully.

and when i get free from this, i will meet my dream motorcyclist husband-material. maybe gym rat. maybe scott pilgrim type of nerd. hopefully somebody… kinder. more empathetic. and mature for relationship.

peace