#it's like that weird ed limbo

[neuromantis]

the tattoo artist said my collarbones are "incredible" and "aesthetic", thanks, i am dying for these.

[steveseddie]

my heart burns there too

steddie | rating: t | wc: 4,7k | cw: none | tags: misunderstandings, light angst, pining, eddie jumps into some crazy ass conclusions, but it’s all good in the end

for @steddie-spooktober day eight, prompt “bonfire”

read on ao3 here

The bonfire is Robin’s idea, but Steve is who extends the invitation to Eddie when he stops by Family Video one day.

“A bonfire? Won’t that get us arrested?” He asks, leaning on the counter and watching Steve operate the tape rewinder with a bored expression.

“Nah, man,” Steve says with a shrug. “Hopper is Chief again and you’d be surprised by how easy it is to get him off your back if you play the ‘I fought monsters with your kid’ card.”

Eddie lets out a snort. “Wish I had that all those times that he picked me up for dealing.”

Steve sniggers. The tape rewinder makes a loud clicking sound, signaling that it’s finished, and Steve removes the tape, putting it back in its case before rewinding a new one. “So are you in?”

“Sure,” Eddie says, never one to turn down the opportunity to spend time with Steve— and Robin, of course. “But I’m not holding hands with you and Buckley and singing Kumbaya.”

For some reason, that makes Steve blush. He ducks his head, fiddling with another tape. “Um, well, it’s not just us, Nance is coming too.”

Ah, Eddie thinks, now the blush makes more sense.

He tries not to let his disappointment show. He doesn’t want Steve to think he has anything against Nancy because the truth is that he doesn’t. Nancy is great— she’s nice, she’s smart and she’s fucking badass. He wasn’t lying during that Spring Break from Hell when he told Steve that he should win her back, Wheeler is a fucking catch. Even Eddie, gay as fuck as he is, can see it.

Only now things are different. Not the fact that Nancy is a catch, she still is. But now she’s single, and she and Steve have been inseparable since she ended things with Jonathan.

Oh, and now Eddie is stupidly and hopelessly in love with Steve so he’s just waiting for the day when they finally announce that they’re back together and break Eddie’s heart.

He doesn’t know what they’re waiting for and he kinda wishes they would just get the fuck on with it. At least then, Eddie could stomp down any hope of anything ever happening between him and Steve. Right now they’re in a weird limbo where some days Eddie will catch Steve’s gaze flickering down to his lips or he’ll feel his touches linger a little too long and he’ll think maybe, but then he’ll walk into Steve’s kitchen to find Nancy and Steve whispering with their heads pushed together only for them to break apart and go quiet the moment they see him or he’ll try to make plans with Steve only to watch him fumble for an excuse before admitting he’s hanging out with Nancy. And every time his heart shatters a little, so better to just rip the bandage off once and for all.

“Eds?”

Steve’s voice snaps Eddie out of his thoughts and he realizes that he fell uncharacteristically quiet at the mention of Nancy. So much for acting like he doesn’t have a problem with her. Goddammit.

He plasters a smile on his face. “Wheeler is coming, you say? Great! The more the merrier!” He says, hoping it sounds convincing enough. “Should I bring something? Lighter fluid? Marshmallows? Child sacrifices?”

A woman standing to the side of the counter, letting the kid in her arms pick something from the candy display gasps audibly, scowling at Eddie and switching the toddler from one arm to the other, further away from him.

Whoops.

Steve gives him a look— why are you like this? it says. Eddie shrugs.

“Just bring drinks, okay?” Steve whispers to him after giving the woman a placating smile.

“Sure thing, big boy,” he says, delighting in the baffled little pout Steve makes every time Eddie calls him that. “Anything else?”

“Well,” Steve purses his lips, thinking. “I’ve got everything we need for the bonfire, Rob is bringing the music and Nance is in charge of the snacks.”

“Tell her I want s’mores.”

“She’s way ahead of you, man,” Steve says with a chuckle. Eddie’s eye twitches— of course perfect Nancy already picked the perfect snacks.

Nancy isn’t your problem, Eddie reminds himself, the problem is that Steve’s straight and still hung up on his ex-girlfriend, and frankly, out of your league.

He sighs. “Sweet, I’ll see you and the ladies on Friday then.”

“Oh, you’re leaving already?” Steve asks, sounding almost disappointed. Other than the woman and her child, the store is empty and has been for the entire time Eddie has been here. He’s probably dreading being alone for the rest of a slow shift.

“Sorry, sweetheart,” Eddie says, “I promised Red I’d drive her to the skatepark and if I’m late to pick her up, she’ll beat me to death with her skateboard and I’m too pretty to die.”

Steve smiles at him, that little lopsided smile that Eddie likes to believe is reserved just for him. He’s never seen him smile like that at anyone else— fond, amused, endeared. “Yeah, you are,” he says and winks.

Eddie’s breath hitches, his traitorous heart thinks maybe but his brain stomps down that hope real quick.

“Careful, Stevie, or Wheeler might get jealous,” he jokes but it doesn’t come out as lighthearted as he wishes.

Steve’s eyebrows furrow but before he can say anything else, a group of kids comes barrelling through the door followed by an exhausted parent and they all walk up to the counter to ask Steve for recommendations for their movie night.

Eddie quietly slips away from the counter, giving Steve a lazy salute and getting a finger wiggle in return before the kids loudly demand his attention.

Six little nuggets, Eddie thinks, recalling a conversation between Steve and Nancy that he wasn’t supposed to hear.

His heart breaks a little more. He wonders how long it’ll take before it shatters completely.

***

To no one’s surprise, Eddie is the last one to arrive at the bonfire.

He parks his van between Steve’s car and Nancy’s station wagon at the spot Steve circled on a map when he gave Eddie directions. After swinging his guitar over his shoulder and grabbing the cooler filled with sodas and beer, he follows the smell of smoke and the sound of Buckley’s boombox through the woods.

He spots Robin first— feeding dry leaves and twigs into the fire and singing along to some pop song Eddie doesn’t recognize.

Eddie whistles appreciatively. “That’s one impressive fire, Birdie!”

Robin jumps, dropping the leaves and the twigs to the ground with a startled yelp. When she spots Eddie, her face breaks into a big grin and she clumsily steps over the logs arranged around the bonfire to hug him as best as she can with the cooler between them and Eddie’s guitar on his back.

“You made it! And you brought your guitar!” She says, bouncing on her feet with excitement.

“Yup, there’s no way I’m letting you make my ears bleed by listening to pop tunes all night,” he teases and gets a light punch on his arm for it.

“I didn’t know you could play metal with just an acoustic.”

“Metal isn’t all I know, Birdie, I have hidden depths,” he says, thinking about all the country and folk songs he knows thanks to Wayne.

Robin cackles. “Sure you do, Munson.”

He sticks his tongue out at her and then glances around, looking for Steve and Nancy but they’re nowhere to be seen.

“They’re picking up more wood,” Robin says when she notices him looking. “They should be back soon.”

Unless they got distracted making out, Eddie thinks, biting down on his tongue to not let the bitter comment slip past his lips.

As if on cue, they hear leaves rustling and then Nancy and Steve step out from the treeline. Steve is carrying the wood and Eddie gets to enjoy the way his biceps bulge from the weight before his eyes zero in on Nancy’s tiny hand wrapped around Steve’s arm. They’re in deep conversation, Steve listening intently and nodding as Nancy speaks to him with a soft voice, her hand never leaving his arm. They don’t even notice he’s there until Robin points it out.

“Hey! Look who’s here!” She says, oblivious to the downward turn of Eddie’s mouth.

Both Nancy and Steve’s heads snap in their direction and Eddie tries really hard to school his features into something casual and less green-eyed monster.

Nancy’s hand falls from Steve’s arm and the pile of wood he’s carrying falters a little before Steve hoists it up again, biceps flexing. Eddie tears his eyes from his arms to look at his face, expecting him to look like he just spent the last ten minutes making out with Nancy or like he just got caught red-handed but instead, he’s grinning widely at Eddie, eyes twinkling under the moonlight.

“Hey, Eds!” He says, attempting to wave with his elbow but giving up when a piece of wood falls to the ground, his cheeks pinking up in embarrassment. “Shit, Nance, can you—” he starts but Nancy is already picking it up and placing it back on the top of the pile. “Thanks.”

Eddie carelessly drops the cooler in front of him. “Hey, Stevie. Hey, Wheeler,” he says, sweeping down in an over dramatic bow. “I come bearing drinks.”

Robin whoops, throwing the lid open and grabbing a wine cooler while Nancy picks up a beer.

Steve forgoes the cooler, dropping the wood on the ground next to it and walking around it to pull Eddie into a hug.

It takes him a little by surprise but he recovers quickly, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist. “Hey, sweetheart,” he whispers against Steve's neck, feeling him shudder, probably from the cold. He's only wearing a polo shirt, and despite the fire burning next to them, Eddie feels a slight chill in the air even though his jacket. “You smell like smoke.”

Steve snorts. “Oh, so I smell like you?”

It’s Eddie’s turn to shudder as his brain provides a handful of other reasons why Steve would smell like him. He tells his lizard brain to cool it and pulls back. “Yup, exactly! And you should know the smell is a bitch to get rid of.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” Steve says, shrugging. With a wink, he adds, “I like it.”

Which to Eddie sounds flirty and a lot like ‘I like the way you smell’ and it takes his brain a moment to recover from that, but he does it just in time to catch the beer Steve tosses at him, even if he fumbles with it at first.

“You did a good job with the fire, Stevie,” he says, expertly popping the bottle open and gulping half of it down.

He catches Steve watching his throat as he drinks and the way he gives a little shake of his head before glancing at the bonfire. “You only say that because you didn’t see my first two failed attempts,” he chuckles. “It was actually Nancy who got it going.”

Eddie’s grip on the bottle tightens. “What would we do without her?” He says, voice a little clipped.

Steve’s smile falters but luckily doesn’t ask what Eddie’s problem is. “So are you gonna play for us?” He asks instead, gesturing at the guitar still hanging from his shoulder.

“Not just yet, Stevie. I was promised snacks, I’m hungry.”

“Me too!” Robin jumps in.

“Oh, the snacks are in the car,” Nancy says, digging through her bag for the keys. “I’ll go get them!”

“It’s okay, Nance. Eddie and I can go,” Steve volunteers, and with a secretive smile, Nancy tosses him the keys.

“Don’t forget you gotta—”

“Jiggle the key to open the trunk, I know,” Steve finishes with a smirk.

Eddie doesn’t realize he’s pouting until Steve points it out. Luckily he thinks it’s because he volunteered Eddie to get the snack too, and not because Steve is finishing Nancy’s sentences. “Stop pouting, Eds, it’s not that far.”

“You only say that because you didn’t have to carry a cooler and a guitar all the way here,” Eddie responds snarkily before setting his beer down on the ground and falling into step next to Steve.

“I’ll do the heavy lifting this time,” Steve smirks.

Eddie squeezes Steve’s arm, feeling the taut muscle underneath. “Seems like you already have, big boy,” he says, his voice coming out lower and flirty now that they left Nancy at the bonfire.

With an undignified yelp, Steve trips over something and Eddie, who hadn’t let go of his arm yet, tightens his grip to keep him on his feet.

“Careful, sweetheart,” Eddie says and Steve curses under his breath. Maybe his foot got caught on a root and he hurt himself— it’s hard to see the ground when all they have is the moonlight filtering through the trees. “You okay?”

“Yup, yeah, thanks, man,” Steve stammers out, giving Eddie a tight smile. “Come on, we don’t want to keep Robin waiting, you know how she gets when she’s hungry.”

Eddie snorts. “Oh yeah, I know. I still have her bite mark on my fucking arm,” he says, rolling up the sleeve of his jacket to point out the fading bruise from their last movie night when the pizza was taking too long to get there and Buckley decided to chump on his arm. “As if getting chumped on by demobats wasn’t enough!”

Steve sniggers. His eyes sparkle with something when he says, “Don’t think I can blame her for wanting a piece of you, though,” matching Eddie’s tone from before— low and flirty.

Eddie’s eyes widen, he stops looking at where he’s going to gawk at Steve and trips on a rock. With no one grabbing his arm, he goes down, landing on his hands and knees.

“Motherfucker,” he curses, his face burning with embarrassment.

“Christ, Eddie,” Steve mutters, hurrying to help him up.

“Well, that was embarrassing,” he laments with a chuckle, brushing off dirt from his pants and his hands.

“You okay?” Steve asks softly and then Eddie feels hands cupping his cheeks and tilting his head up until he meets Steve’s eyes. “You didn’t hit your head?”

Eddie shakes his head no, but the truth is he isn’t exactly sure— maybe he hit his head and now he’s hallucinating how close their faces are or how Steve’s eyes linger a little too long on his lips as they dart over his face, looking for any sign that Eddie hurt himself.

“Um,” Eddie clears his throat which feels a little dry. “We should get those snacks before the girls send a search party after us.”

Steve nods, and after letting his right thumb brush over Eddie’s cheekbone once, he drops his hands from his face.

Heat builds up on Eddie’s face, making his cheeks burn hotter than the bonfire.

They stay like that all the way to Nancy’s car.

***

Back at the bonfire, Robin snatches the marshmallows from Eddie’s arms. “What took you guys so long?” She asks, ripping the bag open and unceremoniously shoving one into her mouth.

“Gee, and they call me feral!” Eddie says and is rewarded by Robin hitting him with the bag of giant marshmallows. It doesn’t hurt, they’re marshmallows, but Eddie is nothing if not dramatic.

He grabs his arm where she hit him and falls to his knees, as if wounded. “This is what I get for braving the woods at night for your snacks, Lady Buckley? The nerve, the ungratefulness! I shall never recover!”

Robin lets out a giggly snort. She offers him a marshmallow on a stick for him to roast as an apology which he graciously accepts.

When he looks up, he finds Steve looking down at him with an amused expression. “Why do you insist on dropping to your knees in the middle of the woods? Your jeans are ripped enough as it is!”

Eddie’s mouth acts faster than his brain, leering at Steve as he says, “You don't like how I look on my knees, sweetheart?”

Steve’s eyes widen almost comically, his cheeks flaring an alarming shade of red. Eddie doesn’t get to enjoy the sight of a flustered Steve for long, his head snapping to his right when there’s a loud gasp that doesn’t come from either of them.

His eyes meet Nancy’s wide ones as they dart from Steve to Eddie to Eddie’s knees and back at Steve, her lips mouthing a silent, “Oh.”

Oh? Eddie thinks, ‘Oh’ what?

She can’t possibly mean— even if Steve said this isn’t the first time Eddie drops to his knees tonight, she can’t possibly think— oh Christ, does she?

Eddie is about to blurt out something along the lines of, ‘I didn’t blow your secret boyfriend in the woods, I just wish I did’ when Nancy’s eyes meet Steve’s and out of the corner of his eye, Eddie sees Steve firmly shake his head. That seems to be enough for Nancy, whose shocked expression melts away as she stands up and joins Robin where she’s roasting her marshmallow.

Eddie sits back on his heels with a sigh.

“You okay?” Steve asks, knocking his Nike against Eddie’s leg.

No, your girlfriend just thought you cheated on her with me! Eddie wants to say. “Yup, come on, let’s make some s’mores,” he says instead, pushing himself off the ground to go sit on one of the logs arranged around the bonfire.

He expects Steve to sit with Nancy, to appease her further but he sits next to Eddie, leaving no space between them despite there being plenty of room.

Eddie doesn’t mind, he loves having Steve close. Still, he can’t help but send surreptitious glances at Nancy every once in a while, averting his eyes when he finds her staring right back a few times.

He stops glancing at her when he gets distracted by Steve eating his s’mores— more specifically by him messily licking his lips and fingers clean. Not even his own marshmallow catching on fire can make Eddie tear his gaze away from Steve’s tongue lapping at the melted chocolate on his fingers, not until Robin screeches and points at the blackened little thing at the end of Eddie’s stick.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Eddie curses as he pulls it out of the fire to blow on it, extinguishing the flames. Next to him, Steve laughs, lips stretched in a smug smile that it’s a little too knowing.

Holding the stick between his legs, Eddie squeezes the marshmallow between the crackers and the chocolate before taking a bite. There’s a slight burnt taste to it but it’s still good, so Eddie eats it enthusiastically.

He can feel Steve’s eyes on him as he does and he considers putting on a show like he did— licking and sucking on his fingers in an obscene way. But before he can, Steve is reaching out and wiping chocolate from Eddie’s bottom lip with his thumb.

Eddie’s breath hitches, his eyes widening.

Red blooms on Steve’s cheeks and he drops his hand to his lap. “Uh, you had chocolate on your lip.”

“Thanks, Stevie,” Eddie mumbles. He jerks his thumb over his shoulder, “I’m gonna— I need a beer.”

He scrambles to his feet, stepping over Steve to get to the cooler. He nearly drops the beer when he looks up and finds Nancy staring at him, lips pursed and a tiny frown between her eyebrows.

Did she see Steve do that? Is she mad? Eddie wonders, averting his eyes and staring at the flames instead.

And more importantly— what the fuck is Steve playing at?

***

Eddie finally gets his answer about an hour later.

The four of them are sitting around the bonfire, drinking beer and talking about everything and nothing. Robin and Nancy are sharing a blanket they grabbed from Steve’s trunk because, despite the fire that’s still burning, the air has only turned colder as the night goes on. Eddie is sharing a log with Steve— or he was until Steve stood up to put on his Members Only jacket and sat down on the ground instead, leaning against Eddie’s leg.

Eddie didn’t question it at first, assuming that Steve wanted to be closer to the fire while still leeching some of Eddie’s body heat, which is fine by him. But then Steve wrapped his arm around Eddie’s calf and dropped his head on Eddie’s thigh, essentially cuddling Eddie’s leg.

That’s also fine with Eddie. At least until Steve’s hand starts rubbing up and down Eddie’s leg, his fingers occasionally coming in contact with bare skin where his jeans ride up and his sock rides down while, at the same time, his hair is tickling Eddie’s skin through the rips in his jeans.

He reaches for Steve’s hair, intending to move it away from his leg but the moment his fingers touch the strands, Steve shudders and melts under the touch. Eddie doesn’t have the heart to push Steve’s head away so he ends up playing with his hair instead, brushing his fingers through the strands.

It’s maddening. All of it— Steve’s head on his lap, his fingers in Steve’s hair and the small noises it drags from him, Steve’s fingers playing with his ankle bracelet and his wiry leg hairs.

Suddenly, Eddie feels hot all over, and it has nothing to do with the flames bathing them in red and yellow and orange. And when Steve tilts his head and kisses Eddie’s knee it feels as if he might burst into flames.

But when he looks up and finds Nancy staring at them with what can only be described as a scowl —a jealous scowl— it’s like being hit in the face with cold water. Cold water and a realization. The realization that Steve might be doing all this to make Nancy jealous.

Eddie doesn’t know why exactly. Maybe he’s ready to go public with their relationship and he’s trying to bait Nancy into accepting. Maybe he’s getting back at her for whatever happened with Jonathan when she was still dating Steve. Maybe it’s just a weird fucking kind of foreplay.

It doesn’t matter what it is, Eddie knows he doesn’t want to be a part of it.

So he pulls his hand away from Steve’s hair, and as carefully as he can, jerks his leg free.

Steve turns his head, looking up at Eddie with big confused eyes. “You okay, Eds?”

“I, um. I need to smoke,” he lies, scrambling to his feet.

Steve looks even more confused at that. “You can do it here, you know? We literally all smell like smoke already,” he says with a chuckle.

But Eddie shakes his head. “No, I- I gotta go, sorry, Steve,” he stammers out, tripping on the log as he hastily heads back to the van.

Without stopping, he digs a cigarette and hiz Zippo from his jacket, lighting it up as he walks. He hears Steve call out for him once, twice then nothing. Eddie pretends it doesn’t hurt that he didn’t come after him but he’s got Nancy, so why would he?

“Goddammit,” Eddie curses, running his hands through his hair with a frustrated groan, lit cigarette dangling from his lips.

It falls on the ground when Eddie lets out a strangled scream as Steve materializes out of fucking nowhere.

He hurriedly snuffs it out as he tries to get his heartbeat under control. “The bonfire wasn’t enough, Harrington?” He scoffs. “Are you trying to get me to start a real fire sneaking up on me like that?”

“I didn’t sneak up. I was calling for you.”

Oh. Eddie might’ve missed that from the blood rushing through his ears. “What do you want?”

“Why are you leaving? What happened?” When Eddie doesn’t answer, Steve’s face scrunches up. “Did I do something?”

Whatever Eddie’s face does at that is answer enough and Steve’s shoulders slump. “Shit, was that too much— I’m sorry, Eddie, I thought—”

“That you could use me to make your girlfriend jealous? Yeah, well, a heads up would’ve been nice,” Eddie says bitterly.

Steve jerks his head back as if he’s been slapped. “What?”

“I’m just saying that I probably would’ve said yes if you asked. At least then I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, y’know?”

“I- I don’t know, Eddie, what are you talking about?”

Rolling his eyes, Eddie asks, “You were trying to make Nancy jealous by being all over me, yeah?”

Steve splutters. “Uh, no?”

Eddie frowns. “So what? You guys are in an open relationship or something?”

“We’re not in any kind of relationship!” Steve says, his voice loud and hysterical at this point.

“Please!” Eddie scoffs. “You two have been inseparable since she and Jonathan broke up! It’s obvious you’re back together!”

“We’re not, Eddie, we’re friends! Yeah, we’re closer than we were before but that’s just because—” he hesitates.

“Because?” Eddie prompts with an impatient hand gesture.

Steve sighs, glances over his shoulder to where Nancy and Robin are and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Oh, what the hell!” He says to himself. “We got closer because we both realized we have a crush on our best friend.”

Eddie’s nose wrinkles. “Buckley?”

“No,” Steve says, dragging a hand down his face. “Well, Nancy does. She has a crush on Robin and I hope she’s telling her right now and that she won’t care that I just outed her to you—” His eyes meet Eddie’s and they’re open, vulnerable, hopeful. “But no, I don’t have a crush on Robin, Eddie, I have a crush on you.”

Eddie blinks. Then he blinks again. Then he pinches his arm hard but the world doesn’t fade away, he doesn’t wake up, he’s not dreaming. This is happening.

“Me?” He asks in a small voice. Steve nods. “So all of that— you weren’t making Nancy jealous you were—”

“Making a move on you, yeah,” Steve admits shyly, hanging a hand from his neck.

“Oh,” he says as he recontextualizes everything that has happened in the last couple of hours— hell, in the last couple of weeks. “Oh,” he repeats. “For what it’s worth it would’ve worked. If I wasn’t, you know, an idiot.”

Steve chuckles softly. “Well, good to know.”

Eddie bites his lip and goes on, a little nervous. “Yeah, and since I’m not an idiot anymore, if you wanted to like, make another move right now, I wouldn’t storm off or yell at you or—”

Eddie’s words are cut off by Steve making his move, which consists of him cupping Eddie’s cheeks, guiding his face to his and catching Eddie’s lips in a kiss.

Eddie stands frozen only for a split second before he loops his arms over Steve’s shoulders and kisses him back, feeling a fire bigger than any bonfire they could’ve built blaze wildly in his chest.

Steve dragging his teeth across his bottom lip only fuels the fire and causes Eddie to make a punched-out groaning sound that Steve chases with his tongue, deepening the kiss in a way that makes Eddie’s knees so weak they threaten to give out.

Before they do, causing Eddie to fall on them for a third time that night, Steve slows the kiss down to a full stop, ending it by nuzzling their noses together.

“You still are by the way,” Steve says.

“Huh?”

“An idiot,” he says, kissing the corner of Eddie’s mouth. “I can’t believe you thought I’d use you to make Nancy jealous!”

Eddie groans, dropping his head on Steve’s shoulder, embarrassed. “I’m never gonna live that down, am I?”

Steve wraps his arms around him, kissing his hair. “Nope.”

“Yeah, I deserve that,” he says, nuzzling Steve’s neck. He jerks his head back as he thinks of something— “Wait, if Nancy wasn’t jealous then what’s with all the scowls and the glares?”

“Oh, she was jealous. Of me. For making a move on you while all she did was share a blanket with Robin,” Steve says with a laugh.

And Eddie can’t help but giggle at how ridiculous this all is. “Should we make her jealous a little more?” He asks, grabbing Steve’s hand with a wicked grin.

Steve nods, intertwining their fingers together and letting Eddie drag him back towards the bonfire.

***

They find Robin and Nancy making out next to what’s left of the fire, wrapped up in the blanket and each other. Quietly, they make their way back to the cars, climbing into the back of Eddie’s van, kissing until the sun comes up.

[crushedsweets]

Would you ever consider including nurse ann in more of your art/ stories? She's one of my favorite characters and I think your design for her is amazing lmao- I'd also sort of like to know what her relationship with the others would be like

yes. actually. i would love to . ok i have some vague ideas for how shed fit into the lore so thatll be under the cut !! i also start rambling about lulus lore too cuz i decided theyre friends.

ok so, again, my au is based around slenders forest being like... some sort of magnet for the paranormal. slenderman wants to keep all of these cryptids within the forest.

since its in a fictionalized forest in tuscaloosa, where marble hornets was filmed, i decided to move the abanonded hospital they visited up north of the tuscaloosa lake. she roams there.

SOOOOO nurse ann is just... a demon. slenders forest is sort of like limbo for a lot of the cryptids and kinda puts them in like.. a long daze and loops unless they're consistently leaving or being grounded by humans.

i dont EXACTLY know why/how she's in that specfic hospital, especially since i dont believe she has an official origin? maybe when the hospital shut down, she was let go and wasn't transferred to work in a new hospital, so she lost her shit and preformed some crazy rituals that ended up making her an undead nurse ? now she's forever roaming the hospital. or maybe she was killing patients when she was a human and kept doing weird demon shit with their bodies and the operator/zalgo fed off of her bad vibes. LOL IDK.

now about lulu cuz i drew her too.

i used to be sooo fond of lulu. and i originally said she was just going to be another ghost roaming the forest pointlessly, mourning everything and being incapable of interacting with humans, BUUUUUT. she is 24 and NOT A GHOST?!?!??!?! IDK WHY ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST A GHOST WHO AGES CUZ YK HOW CHIBIWORKS STUFF WAS BACK THEN LOL... i def am tired of little kids being tortured and all these children ghosts tho so im kinda glad to have smth new to write. anyway. so im thinking lulus just another little demon thing... i'm thinking her story goes.

she was in strict private schools all of k-12, and went to uni on her own in tuscaloosa. she wanted to branch out, have a little rebelious phase, make friends, etc. tried to join a co-ed frat. she experienced an absolutely horrific hazing when she was like 19, the frat fully believed they killed her by accident and in their panic, tried to bury her in slenders forest, and some demonic entity in the forest infected her before she was buried fully. she ends up climbing out of her shallow grave, never having died. perhaps the operator did it, perhaps zalgo like in her og lore ? PERHAPS ANN CUZ SHES A DEMON HERSELF?

anywaaayyyyy :3 l think theyd be cute friends. they just look really cute together and i could see good chemistry so i totally would love to expand on them and make them friends. maybe expand more on the type of species they are, what kind of powers they have(esp if i make ann the demon who infects lulu).

BUUUUT ALSO this made me realize i should totally look into adding zalgo to my lore. cuz it doesnt make sense for the operator to make anyone a demon, thats not really what he does.... and i dont want him to do that i just dont like the vibes. so mmm yes.

anyway in terms of relationships..

lulu and her are cool good besties beautiful they would take selfies and do tiktok dances together.

masky and hoody are incredibly indifferent to her, because they dont have to worry/visit her often. she stays in the hospital thats in the forest, and thats exactly where slenderman wants her, so theyre content. theyre kinda grateful she keeps lulu in the hospital too, cuz lulu actually freaks them out bc she'll be jumping at them and shit talking about their eyes.

tobys EXTREMELY scared of ghosts (bc of his hallucinations of his sisters ghost . . ). he eventually gets over it(kinda?) with sally, but he keeps accusing ann and lulu and the sort of being ghosts cuz they just.. kinda pop in and out. at least jack has to walk into the room to show up. so he doesnt like them

mmm jack wouldnt like her IF he knows that she kinda turned herself into a demon through like, a ritual or smth. he'd be beyond pissed to know someone CHOSE to be what he is. if he doesnt know, he doesnt care for her. he kinda jokes about 'well why dont YOU be their medic' and shes like 'dont fuckin wanna be'.

jane and liu and kate prob dont know her... kate might but wouldnt care.

jeff would prob think shes hot or some bullshit and nina would be beyond pissed. at first ninas like AHHH SHES SO COOL cuz shes a fangirl at heart, but the second she hears a single 'goddamn' from jeff shes livid.

ben prob wouldnt care much for her... hes so uninterested in demons idk why i just feel like he doesnt care.

clockwork would LOVE HER. she'd think she's so fucking cool. she'd try talking to her all the time but ann prob wouldnt be interested in clocky at all...

ofc the proxies purposefully come into contact with the paranormal the most because thats their job, so i wrote the most for them, but that doesn't mean theyre the closest or anything.

ok thank u anon you did smth to my brain that benefitted my mental health cuz i love writing this shit for the creeps thank u sm .

[valyrfia]

People are freakimg out about lestappen lore but the real ones know that this 'lestappen lore meltdown' didnt exist before like... 2023 where they decided to be out and open??? I support you guys but... we used to be a community built on fleeting touches and literally just racing on track... where is all this content coming from!! Yall need to get a room!! (The closet is glass)

I honestly think if you explained the last third of 2023 to a 2022 lestappie they would collapse to the floor. I can only hope the 2025 lestappies say the same about us 2024 lestappies.

I’ve said it before on here, but a major lestappen turning point was the 2022 championship fight. Not only were they forced to be in close proximity to one another more, but I maintain that Charles expected Max to react completely differently than he did. In early 2022 when Charles was leading the championship and Max was floundering far behind, well, Max was obviously disappointed and expressed that in the media but he also started his trend on congratulating Charles on good drives (Bahrain! When Max DNF-ed but walked up to Charles in the media pen fully dragging him away from Canal+ in order to discuss the race!) ultimately culminating in Austria 2022, where Charles snatches the win from Max but Max is the one who looks utterly radiant.

2022 is when Charles started to actually like and respect Max, but the two of them were stuck in a weird limbo for a year longer where both of them really wanted to be closer than they were but they were completely unsure how to go about it. Then the padel date happened, they started seeking each other out a deranged amount, and the rest is history. Late 2023 was the flush of a new friendship with someone you’ve wanted to click with for so long, and they’ve continued that insanity well into 2024.

[steveshairychest]

tw: mentions of death

Eddie will forever be grateful that he got a second chance but now he's starting to feel the consequences of his immortality.

Steve's old enough to be his dad now. His hair is almost completely grey at 45; he says the stress of babysitting 6 kids really sped up the process. Eddie still thinks he's the most beautiful person alive, he's aging like fine wine right before his eyes and he's so glad that he gets to spend every second of his immortal life with Steve.

He just wished they'd grow old together.

Dustin's kids think it's weird that their dad is friends with someone who's only just 'freshly 21' but Eddie thinks it's weird that they've never questioned why the man they've known since they were infants hasn't aged a day. He's starting to realise that children are very oblivious, especially if you bring gifts everytime you visit.

He still DMs for the party except now their children join in too. They like to remind Eddie that his rules are very outdated. He gets a disappointed frown from one of his friends when he kills their kid's character just because they annoyed him.

He thought explaining his eternal youth to his friend's kids was going to be the hardest part but he was wrong.

The hardest part was watching all his friends die.

It never got easier. He held their hands, whispered words of comfort as he listened to their hearts slowly stop. He cursed his abilities in these moments; wished he couldn't smell the illness in their blood and hear their hearts get weaker and weaker as they grew older.

Steve went sooner than he expected.

It came on so suddenly, he had no time to prepare himself, no time to figure out a way to go with him.

"See the world for me." Steve whispers to him. He's smiling, he's fucking dying and he has the audacity to smile at Eddie.

"I don't want to live in a world without you." Eddie's voice cracks and he scoots his chair closer so that he can gently rest his head on Steve's stomach. Steve weakly plays with his hair, that stupid smile still on his face.

"Always so dramatic." Steve traces Eddie's face, runs his fingers over his eyes, his nose, his lips, the scar on the side of his face from the bats; something that feels like a lifetime ago. "I love you, Eds, I won't be mad if you find someone else. Just make sure you visit and tell me about them." Eddie's sobbing now, his body shaking as he cries and grips Steve's hand tighter. He can hear it. He can fucking hear his heart slow. It's a sound he'll never be able to forget.

"My heart belongs to you... in this life.. and the next." And then he's gone.

Eddie's ears ring and he knows he's causing a scene, knows that screaming Steve's name won't magically drag him back from whatever place he's gone to, but he can't stop. He has to be forcefully dragged out of the room which is a struggle because Eddie is stronger than the average human.

He hates the silence, hates that he'll never hear the calming, steady beat of his lovers heart. He doesn't sleep for weeks, it feels wrong to sleep in their bed without Steve. He doesn't eat, can't even bring himself to open the fridge and drink the last bit of blood Steve had put aside for him.

It gets to a point where Dustin's oldest kid, Julie, comes to visit and finds him curled up on the floor, hunger so bad he's unable to move, to speak.

"Steve wouldn't want this." She chides and force feeds him the blood from the fridge. He doesn't know when Dustin told her about him, doesn't really care at that point. All he can do is sob weakly as Steve's blood fills his mouth and brings him back from the edge. "Come on. We're going to visit dad."

Dustin's in a retirement home now.

He'd gone downhill after his wife died and the kids had their own lives, they didn't have time to look after him 24/7. Eddie would have taken him in if he'd known, but he's been in a state of limbo for 2 months now. He'd collapsed on the kitchen floor a week ago and would have stayed there if Julie hadn't shown up, his body can withstand neglect a lot better than he thought.

He's missed Robin's 70th birthday.

He's missed the birth of Mike and El's 4th grand kid.

He's missed the release of Will's final book in his series.

He's missed so much life while mourning Steve. He didn't realise so much could happen in just 2 months.

"Hey, dad, I've brought a visitor." Julie says softly, making sure not to startle Dustin. He's sitting on the small lounge next to the window, an old fantasy book in his hands, and seeing him sit there brings back memories of when they were younger. When Dustin used to come by Steve's house just to be near Eddie, to remind himself that Eddie was okay. They'd sit in the bay window in Steve's lounge room and read together for hours. Steve would walk by and flick the lamp on for them because they wouldn't even notice that the sun had set.

He can still see that little kid in the old man in front of him, he's hidden under the wrinkles and grey hair, but when his eyes light up and his smile takes over his face, Eddie sees the kid that he risked his life for. "Eddie!"

Julie leaves them to talk, says that she'll grab them all a cup of coffee. Eddie declines. He hasn't been able to drink coffee since Steve died. It reminds him too much of waking up to quiet humming from the kitchen and coffee flavoured kisses.

Dustin scolds Eddie for neglecting himself, for not calling him or coming to see him so that they could mourn together. It feels strange to be scolded by someone that you used to babysit.

"He told me to move on." Eddie says quietly, bitterly. "But I don't think I'll ever be able to forget him."

"You don't have to forget him." Dustin scoots closer to Eddie on the cramped lounge and makes him look him in the eyes. "You're going to be around for a long time, Eds. You can't be that stereotypical vampire that mourns his long lost love for centuries."

"Maybe I want to."

"Steve would strangle me when I see him next if I let you do that."

When I see him next.

That makes Eddie ache. Will he ever get to see Steve again? Can he even die? He doesn't want Dustin to leave him too but he knows Steve is probably lonely wherever he is. He never liked being on his own for very long.

Eddie leans against his friend's shoulder and sighs shakily. He doesn't want to cry again. He's tired of crying. "I feel hollow, Dustin. I think Steve took a part of me with him."

"He was always quite greedy when it came to you."

Eddie smiles for the first time in 2 months. "He was, wasn't he. He always stole your time with me." He playfully jabbed Dustin in the side and it felt good to laugh with him, to smile and see the familiar twinkle of joy in his friend's eyes.

When they stop laughing and the room fills with a comfortable silence, Eddie asks quietly, "Do you really think you'll see him again?"

Dustin hums and leans back into the lounge, a knowing smile on his lips. "You'll see him again, Eddie. I know it."

Eddie scoffs with a smile. "Why? Because you're old and wise?"

"Precisely."

Eddie knows Dustin is just saying what he wants to hear, what he thinks he needs to move on with his life, but a small part of himself hopes it's true.

He hopes that after he's seen the world, he'll be able to tell Steve all about it.

[tizzyizzy]

Taking Izzy's behavior on the Revenge as emblematic of his behavior in general is like assuming his relationship with Ed is awful because they're currently in a rough patch.

We see Izzy in his most natural state with Fang and Ivan, who are crew members who know him and (to an extent) respect his authority. While he is by no means kindly or gentle, we only see him berating them for no reason one time: the morning after he was mutilated and forced to eat his toe. And Ivan was taken aback that Izzy was rushing them, implying being scolded for no reason is both 1) unusual enough to merit commentary 2) something Ivan felt comfortable speaking up about. There is also the moment when Fang questioned Blackbeard and Izzy pulled his beard. Mean, yes, but it was a purposeful attempt to shut down insubordination, not bullying for pleasure.

But in general, Izzy acts quite chill with Ivan and Fang. They can talk about Blackbeard and the situation on the Revenge. They talk about work just fine. Izzy only raises his voice when he's giving some kind of order for emphasis ("Fang!" "Hisssss!") but not in a hostile way.

The Revenge is a whole different situation. His duties, powers, and responsibilities are ambiguous. They're in a weird limbo, and he's surrounded by weird people with different values he doesn't like. His relationship with his captain is falling apart. This is why he's yelling and cursing, not because he acts that way by default. Well, okay, he curses by default.

And I swear, you'd think Izzy had hatecrimed Lucius instead of assigning him a mundane ship chore the way some people talk about it.

[girlbossblackbeard]

Okay in honor of the high likelihood that we're getting the s2 trailer today I wanted to post this draft that I've been sitting on for like a month so it wouldn't be tainted by any juicy new tidbits we might get today:

I can't wait to look back on this post and either celebrate my future-seeing psychic abilities or laugh/cry at how naïve i was so here goes-

These are my predictions for the basic narrative structure of s2 (based off of a 10 ep season):

-I think it's gonna be your typical 3 act story arc: act 1 is resolving the conflict that was set up at the end of last season, act 2 is exploring the consequences of that resolution (the good and the bad) and setting up/discovering a new, bigger conflict to worry about, and act 3 is the drama of either confronting that bigger conflict for the first time but not fighting it yet, or starting to fight the bigger conflict but ending the season on a "holy shit we're fucked" note (that gets resolved in act 1 of the next season)

-similar to s1, episodes 1-3 are act 1: they're going to be spent resolving the Ed/Stede/Crew being separated issue with Ed and Stede finally reuniting (or about to reunite) at the end of ep 3. Narratively this makes sense to me since the big immediate issue is the physical separation of the two love interests, so the writers might want to "resolve" that issue sooner rather than later bc audiences don't want to see their faves separated for too long even if it makes for good character development and conflict. Ed is gonna be sad but try to seem aloof, Stede is probably gonna be told all about Ed's transgressions with the crew which will create more opportunity for complex emotions on Stede's side. Also he and the crew are gonna steal a ship or something and Stede is gonna start showing signs of *gasp * semi-competency when it comes to captaining. Also I don't know which ep exactly but I think we'll get Lucius back in this act (I hope)

-episodes 4-7 are act two: they're gonna be a mixture of funny awkward exes era for Ed and Stede with a healthy dash of some angst and miscommunication thrown in there for good measure. Ed is gonna slowly have the ice around his heart get melted from being in close proximity to the sun (Stede's unintentional charm combined with his newfound competence will be literally impossible for anyone to ignore, let alone Ed) and Stede is going to FINALLY start to realize how deeply he hurt Ed by leaving and HOPEFULLY understand that the core reason Ed was hurt was bc he actively wanted Stede by his side (cue more confidence-building for Stede)

-episode 8 is when they Do It

-on a less jokey note (even tho I'm kinda dead serious about the statement above) episode 8 is in a weird limbo where it's the transitional ep between acts 2 and 3. I think this is when we'll finally get the love confession from Stede. since act 2 finally put them both on equal footing and they're no longer actively mad at each other, I'm predicting ep 8 is when they finally sit down and hash it all out - why stede left, why Ed went kraken mode, how they hurt each other and the crew, and how they want to move forward. idk if this will be a big dramatic yelling conversation where stede blurts out something like "because I love you, you nut!!!" or if it'll be a quiet conversation where stede gently says "because I love you, you nut 🥺" but either way I think stede confesses this ep. Does Ed reveal he loves stede in return? Idk man!!! But once stede raises the emotional atmosphere to dizzying heights with his confession they'll be overcome with passion and flap their jacks or whatever. either the ep will end on a sweet note with no ominous signs of the next Big Bad brewing, or the very sweet and intimate afterglow will get interrupted by big scary news about some threat on the horizon. which brings us to act 3:

-episode 9 will fully introduce the Big Bad of the season (maybe whatever/whomever it is had already been talked about in previous eps, hell maybe they've been seen on-screen in previous eps like chauncy, but this will be when the main villain/issue reveals the full extent of how much of a threat they are). Ed and Stede will kick into co-captain mode which will either have a bit of a rocky start as they're still working through fully trusting one another again or it'll be so seamless and in-synch it actually visibly shocks the crew. this ep will be when plans are made on how to defeat the Big Bad

-and finally, ep 10 will be the showdown with the Big Bad where the crew implements whatever plan they made. oh fuck I just remembered the revenge is probably not gonna make it through this season. this might be the ep where she gets blown tf up for strategy purposes idk. someone (probs buttons, but maybe the Swede) will make a Viking funeral comment. anyway the crew will likely pull off the plan, but right at the end of the ep they'll discover that the threat is actually way bigger than they thought and THAT will be the cliffhanger/set up for s3

[bulbtree]

Ah nice, i forgot about new Ne-no-Kuni lore, i keep forgetting, almost like it was a weird connection of clearly different worlds. I swear very long ago, somewhere, i remember Moon being mentioned as rabbit land. Probably retconed now. I think it was on Sunahama actually. Well, it sure explains why all of them are f-ed up, they are all in underworld. So Red Sea is double underworld you see.

Oh those weren't claws, they were way better

Ocean bended into claws

Yeah, he is too op, what kind of magic is this and why no one uses it agaist him, is it the sword magic, who gave him ocean bending powers and why? Why this party planner man walks around destroying armies, he literally has no excuse to be that successful except that he really hates everyone a lot

Maybe i'm asking wrong questions, all of these creatures are demon born. His IQ is just million

Do you think when they die they are stuck in limbo like Meikai cuz clearly they don't have place with Fumus?

@Namiho who clearly knows a lot about that

[papirouge]

What’s are your views on “purity culture” among christians

I think it varies between denominations but the idea is still around mainly fundamentalists. It’s definitely important to teach women how important it is to be picky, believe in hypergamy, and ignore probably the 90% of scrotes that aren’t good people but I never really believed in flat out refusing to teach sex ed, what stds and stis are, what Plan B is, and how birth control and condoms work. Which seems like a lot of these more fundamentalists tend to do.

I had this friend who is divorced now. She grew up in that type of environment where they were very strict about her purity but ignored the boys virginity completely. Like she had two brothers who were total opposites. 1 was basically community dick and caught a disease and her parents didn’t care 💀 the other was an incel who was very anti social. And her parents were upset that they couldn’t marry him off because not even the desperate fundie girls wanted his violent outbursts. He’s still single too and approaching 40

She was married young to her ex and had no idea how sex even worked. She was only told to avoid it and it just scared her. So when she got married, she told me how her parents and church counselor were upset that she didnt turn into someone who liked sex immediately. Even kissing was new to her and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t like it at all/avoided sleeping in the same as her husband and was told by them to suck it up when she expressed she had pain. When she got older she left that church and her husband but was ex communicated by her family for it.

Does that type of stuff happen in France?

Purity isn't much of a thing anywhere else in the world because as I said, most of USAmerican evangelicalism staples are rooted in culture not in Christianism. I've always found fascinating how France & its very liberal "sex culture" was compared to the US (age of consent is 15 years old, birth control & abortion is free, condoms are handed over in highschool, etc.) yet managed to have proportionally lower abortion rate than God fearing United States of America lol

Fundies family don't exist anywhere else in the world beside the USA anon so nope, we don't have this kind of messy affairs here. Catholicism is in a limbo here in France and real Catholic families are very rare. And even when they do, they don't hold such a spiritual grip on their members to guilt trip them into marrying someone. The only stories of people being excommunicated are bishops coming out as gay or being caught dating/having sex with women lol

The story of your divorced friend is very representative of the double standards of women virginity vs male virginity. Although it's quite normal to particularly warn off women about the consequences of sex because, unlike men, they are the ones who'll carry the baby so they have much more responsibility to deal with (as unfair it may sound). But it doesn't mean men virginity is any less relevant.

Many of women will never want a community d*ck, that's why her busted brother is still single at 40 (which is weird bc red pillers always said men got more value as they got older 🤔).

Fornicators are literally filled with demons and should be avoided at all costs.

And yet, I'm sure he's not shamed like his sister was to marry a man she was even attracted to... Her story is so sad.. but she's better off outside of this cult though. She's lucky she if she didn't have any child with him...

I think kids shouldn't be taught sex ed before middle school. I did in elementary school and it lowkey fucked me up. Even when I was 12-13 years old I had a male friend of my age who told me how many times a week he masturbated and it triggered me so bad lmao

Tbh there should be something progressive, like first learning about sexual organs, periods, how babies are made (12~13 years old), than at 15 about birth control(?) IDK the idea of teaching kids sex at school is weird to me but I think I would be even more traumatized if my mom taught me any of this because we NEVER talk about things like that lmaoo I guess it's important to build a trust relationship with your kid from start so that it's not awkward when you actually do? IDK I lowkey hate the sex talk and wish sex wasn't such a big deal in society so I'm probably not the best person to inquire about that lmaooo

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

may 31, 2023 | entry #8

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

carbs are going to be death of me. literally and figuratively. i 🩷 carbs. if i could spend the rest of my life living off of chips, pastries, and potatoes, without the fear of my body mirroring the pudginess of the pillsbury doughboy, i would. carbs are my bestie. carbs are my comfort. but carbs are also my mortal 🔥enemy🔥. do you know how hard it is to combat a food addiction when sh*t like carbs exists?? very f*cking hard. it’s no secret that junk foods are genetically modified with a laundry list of different chemicals in order to make them so addictive (gotta love america), but my god does it have to be that addictive?!

so what’s my solution? to do what anyone else who’s trying to overcome a substance abuse addiction does—quit cold turkey. a decision that has only opened up yet another clusterf*ck of problems. it’s like i catapulted myself from one side of the #ed spectrum to the other. it worked for a while. my first ever “honeymoon phase”. it felt good to feel so in control of my binge urges for once. but the feelings of satisfaction and determination can only last but so long. that’s why it’s a phase. now i’m here, cursed for all of eternity and doomed to live the rest of my days in a binge/restrict limbo while simultaneously oversharing about it on the internet. can whoever’s in charge of my sim just trap me in a room with no door until i perish? it’ll be painful but at least i’ll go out skinny.

funny enough, do you know what prompted this entire tangent? popcorn. i really love popcorn. too much actually. so much so that i ended up eating over 600 cals worth of it in one sitting yesterday. and 420 cals worth of it today. THAT’S ENOUGH CALS FOR TWO MEALS!! will i ever be free from the clutches of carbs? find out next week on Confessions of a Junkorexic!

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

garlic butter rotini noodles + veggies (340 cals)

croutons (60 cals)

weird trust me i know—i just really wanted bread and these were a low cal substitute 😭

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

dinner

loaded broccoli (248 cals)

flounder fillet w/ butter (112 cals)

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

snack(s)

water with chlorophyll + sugar free drink mix(s) (8 cals)

peanut butter protein bar (160 cals)

popcorn (420 cals)

water w/ zero sugar drink mix (5 cals)

total cal intake

1,363 cals 👎

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [-0]

bmi

38

steps

not tracked

hrs fasted

12

days binge free

3

[marinecorvid]

the agony of being a fan of the “villain who also is/acts like an uncle/parent/guardian figure to the protagonist” and “funny road trip” tropes and also sinking too much emotional investment into pokemon ranger guardian signs characters means my white whale of a fanfiction is post game summers out doing some international mission r something. maybe undercover idk but it’s something where she’s mostly cut off from official support. and mewtwo finally decides to spit Ed out of whatever limbo portal rand and him got Got in back on the sky fortress and now she’s gotta deal with this bullshit, and all the hurt that came w his betrayal that she thought she successfully buried is suddenly there again like it was just yesterday gs happened (except it’s been marinating for a few years at least so now it’s uhh definitely off color a bit) and Ed’s gotta deal with his survival being entirely reliant on the girl who effectively wild card-nullified any reputation n standing he built and decades of work towards world domination in the span of a month (maybe two). and despite the fact that they both feel very deep resentment towards each other they still had a genuine friendship in Oblivia and still very clearly see aspects of themselves in the other and they’re both stuck trying to reconcile the urge to fall back into that familiar weird grandpa n weirder grandchild dynamic versus the urge to scream at each other until their voices give out.

[strangelykorryn]

I have no logical explanation of why I haven’t posted in so long, because putting the last month or so of my ED hell into words is challenging but I guess I need to.

My bf kinda found out about what I’ve been up to as far as starving, and it was kinda my fault. I think it was a moment of perceived weakness on my part, my need for validation. He genuinely had nooo idea I was intentionally starving because I led him to believe I was on a “crash diet” and he didn’t know my ED history so to him I was just eating really healthily (even though I would go days without eating or eating so little but he didn’t notice and I was quite glad) but the other day he was talking about how much weight I lost and how I look good. Then he said the words : “it’s not like you starve yourself so it’s good”, and I just had a weird blank look on my face as I said “actually I kinda do. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed” and he immediately started to tear up and asked for clarification and I admitted to starving myself/severely under eating. He told me he loves me at any weight, that even if I gained a ton of weight he loves me no matter what. He also said I shouldn’t do that and I retorted with “…. Well I mean I am an adult and I can starve myself if I want”. And he thought about it and said , “I mean I truly have no argument for that”. And since then he has been both supportive but not pushy. Some days I eat, lots of days I still can’t really bring myself to eat a lot. My weight is still dropping even after the days where I eat unhealthy items (still haven’t had a bad binge but sometimes I eat more than I can handle mentally).

So I guess I’m in limbo but still motivated enough to fast and restrict most of the time. Recovery has entered my mind a lot , but I’m high on this weight loss. The baggy clothes, the stares of people when I walk around, the metamorphosis of myself into something different that is both good and bad depending on the day.

The last few days have been really hard on my body. I have been so shaky that I’m actually drinking a good amount of full sugar liquids just to bring my sugar up so I can actually drive or function without looking like I’m racked with tremors. Over the last two days my jeans have become overly baggy and bunch up in weird spots and just don’t look good on me…. But I guess the point of this all is to say that I really hope I don’t jack my body up irreparably because of some sick ideal in my head. I’m happy everyday for a prosperous life, a loving soon to be fiancé, and a stepdaughter. We are about to buy a new house and doing wedding plans, but I hope my future isn’t interrupted with an unplanned trip to a hospital because of this sickness inside me. Sigh….

If you read this far, you’re an angel for listening. Sending well wishes to all of you lovely’s. Gonna dive into The New York Review of Books now

[videobun-gameblog]

Games Finished in 2022

I'm going to put most of this under a read more, basically I'm going to write quick description of literally everything I played this year (including a bit from December 2021) all in one post. I'll make a separate one for demos I played as well as anticipated games coming in the next couple years. This is generally in order of completion, though a few entries may be slightly scrambled in the midpoint as I added some retroactively during periods where I forgot to update or played multiple games in the same time frame. Not everything I played was from 2021/2022, there's plenty of stuff I just finally got around to this year.

Daemon X Machina (2019): Weird Armored Core-ish mech game, I kind of hated the story and characters, totally lacked depth in ways that would have been far more interesting with more competent writers given the fairly simple premise. Solid, though mech on mech combat was a bit of a slog sometimes especially by the end game where it just felt tedious. The final boss is horrendous and soured my overall opinion of the game. I did not bother to 100% this game, far too tedious achievements.

Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knight (2021): Fairly fun metroidvania, the bosses are great. It definitely draws a lot of inspiration from Momodora and such. Exploration is a little slow given the scale of the world, and it's far more combat oriented > puzzles. Still, the boss rush got a good amount of my time. I 100%ed this game.

Slay the Spire (2019): I've been playing this game since 2019 and 100%ed it last year, but I finally managed to beat an Ascension 20 run with every character this year, so I'm including it on this list. idk what to say about this game other than its probably one of my all time faves.

Inscryption: Kaycee's Mod (2022): The base game is fantastic, and honestly was my Game of the Year for 2021. This mod is more of the base game, though elaborating further would spoil the main; I 100%ed this mode, it's quite good, and compliments the base game nicely.

Death's Door (2021): A nice little game with less substance than I'd have liked, combat is fairly simple and puzzles also leave a bit to be desired. Its aesthetic design is very good though. I liked it enough to 100% it, though I had quite a few issues with it, definitely lacked a bit of substance. Minimal in some not-always-great ways.

Binary Domain (2012): What a ride. Janky arcade cover shooter action with a bizarre and charming cast of characters and story. I liked it a lot.

West of Dead (2019): A very mediocre game, honestly, but something about it was exceptionally gripping to me despite its jank. It has a really nice combat flow room-to-room that takes some getting used to, but has a lot of superfluous mechanics that lack a lot of depth and variety. I'm hoping they succeed with the Hellboy game they're working on.

Cave Crawler (2022): A fun little free to play platformer that takes about half an hour to finish at most. Not too special all things considered, but neat!

Gloom (2017): A weird indie side scrolling action roguelike clearly inspired by Bloodborne with a bit of visual inspiration from Limbo. Very RNG dependent for some of its tight time based achievements and such, overall quite janky, but it held my attention for a solid week or two.

Elden Ring (2022): What can I say, it's the Game of the Year, by many people's standards. It had me mesmerized by its world and scale so many times I could hardly believe it, it's sort a game you could only dream of, made real. I do have a few small complaints regarding its overuse of some assets in ways that its scale is a bit of a negative factor in retrospect (also just a handful of bosses have some design I dislike; it's a bit loose in ways something like Sekiro isn't, for example, which still remains my fave combat From has ever designed) but all considered, it's still exceptional. No game is perfect, but this was damn near close.

Neon White (2022): Honestly, this may be tied with Elden Ring for Game of the Year for me. I'm a defender of its cringe, which, all things considered, is a small portion of that game. The gameplay itself is something I never knew I wanted; single player arena shooter time trial speedrunning. It's like the Trackmania of FPS games, and good lord it is something special. I 100%ed this game and got every red ace medal.

Dicey Dungeons: Reunion DLC (free, 2022): An absolutely exceptional send off to an already exceptional game, the music for these episodes absolutely slapped, and the remixed mechanics for each character are maybe my favorite in the entire game, really the ultimate example of how to give a game a proper last hurrah.

Spelunky 2 (2020): I've been playing this game since 2020, but I just wanted to note here that I finally 100%ed this game, excluding having completed the Cosmic Ocean (of which there is no achievement for). Anyway, Derek Yu is a genius and that can never be stated enough, this game sincerely is a masterpiece.

Into the Breach: Advanced Edition DLC (free, 2022): A game I had already completed the year prior got an extremely good and well rounded patch with new enemies, mech squads, etc. I went in to 100% the new achievements as well as get a Hard Mode 4 Island clear with every squad for the hell of it. Also one of my favorite games of all time, I can't say much else about it.

Cult of the Lamb (2022): An incredibly addicting colony sim with roguelite-inspired elements, the rogue aspects left a lot to be desired to be quite honest, but the gameplay loop surrounding the cult carried it. If it weren't for that I'd have been disappointed honestly. The best analogy I can think of is ordering from a restaurant, getting a completely different order, but eating and enjoying it anyway. Not what I expected, but still enjoyable.

skorpulac (2017): a cool short retro inspired platformer by the guy who does Spelunky's music, a very interesting atmosphere with a fun little twist at the end, I loved it.

Super Hexagon (2012): A game I played back in 2012, but finally decided to get the 60 second achievement on the final mode. Peak "flow state" video game.

Carrion (2020): A neat and relatively short metroidvania-ish monster game. It's fairly linear despite its seemingly open ended nature of the hub, I enjoyed it but was never really totally enthralled. A very solid "good!" - the best compliment I can give it to its aesthetics and its very good design and guiding the player on where to go with environmental design while hiding its general linearity. Never in your face while guiding you on your way, devs could learn a thing or two from this game about how to lead players in the right direction without explicitly telling you in text.

Hand of Fate (2015): Truly the only game I hated this year, and I could tell it wasn't for me in just half an hour. I expected card game, I got mediocre action game hidden underneath a ""card game"" veneer. Simply not for me; it felt very dated, despite having a neat presentation.

Environmental Station Alhpa (2015): From the Baba is You and Noita developer, I basically took on this game as "homework" before diving into Noita, and I was not disappointed. Maybe one of the best Super Metroid inspired games that truly understood what made it good, and honestly, probably surpassed it, and that's not even a hot take. This game has absolutely absurd depth, underneath the skin of a fairly normal metroidvania is a monolithic highly esoteric cryptographic puzzle that can add on at least triple the time to complete, and the platforming/boss challenges do not mess around either. Comprehensive and deep, Arvi Teikari is, much like Derek Yu, basically a god damn genius of this craft.

Noita (2019): I'm not quite done with this game, but I'll add it here, since I've given it a long enough rest - I've only scratched the surface of what there is to do in this game, which might be saying too much. This game is loved by masochists and hated by people with little patience and/or imagination, I think your average person would consider it a wacky little game that is fascinating and frustrating in equal measure. For weirdos though, everything horrible about this game is good, actually, and everything good is sincerely genius. I fall in that camp.

Bananner Nababber (2022): Just an absolutely unhinged and beautifully ugly retro inspired platformer boss rush. It's free. If hitting your head against a wall to fight 6 3 phase bosses on par with some of the hardest NES/SNES hellspawns sounds fun, this is for you to waste an afternoon to.

Wow! This got so long I had to add a break!

Dead Cells (2018): This game just doesn't stop getting content, and I'm far from finished with it, but I have to add it to this list simply because I did much more this year after putting it down for a while. It's got ANOTHER expansion/crossover with Castlevania coming next year which is wild. Anyway, I like this game a lot even if it ends up being a bit of a visual clusterfuck at times and is a little oddly slippery with some progression systems I don't like as much as other games, but it's... cool. It's good. Not my favorite game or anything, but I like it enough to keep coming back a couple times a year for a few weeks at a time.

Spelunky HD (2008): Yep, I'm adding this one to the list, I decided to go back to this version to 100% it, though I still have a couple achievements to get, so expect this game to come up again in 2023 as I get around to that (or not, I dunno). Everything I said about Spelunky 2 applies here, except like, a decade earlier, slightly less refined but no less genius.

Tumbleseed (2017): Someone made Ice Cold Beer a video game except about a seed climbing a mountain, and it's good. It's frustrating, but it's good, and it feels good to get good. I still need to finish up a couple achievements that I got so close to finishing, but then life got in the way. I will return! Underrated as hell, though admittedly obviously niche and not very appealing to normal folks.

Gunfire Reborn (2020): I played a lot of this last year, but I also played more of it this year. It's fun, but more fun with others. That said, 80% of my time in it is solo to wrap up achievements, of which I'm fairly deep in on, but still have plenty to go. I have not paid for the DLC. Anyway, I like it, the guns feel good. It's like, if Borderlands were a short 1 hour run roguelike and instead of cringe dialogue it's just funny animal people who don't say anything except "hyaah" and such.

Rogue Legacy 2 (2022): It's more Rogue Legacy, but unlike Nioh being for better and worse, it's all for the better. Vastly improved visuals, movement mechanics, enemy variety, progression, etc. While I ultimately dislike the not-very-rogue persistent upgrades, it is what it is, and they make it work. The challenges are hellish, and I still have some to wrap up, I'd like to 100% this game next year.

Devil Daggers (2016): I have not done everything I wanted to do in this game quite yet, but I'll add it to this list regardless. I'll say it how I summarized it on a Tweet; this game feels like a creepypasta about a haunted arcade game that takes over your brain and forces you to keep playing as it gets weirder and more grotesque as it goes along, except it actually exists. Horrific Overstimulation. I still need to get around to Hyper Demon, I'll see that one in 2023, which just seems like this game on crack (I hate to have written that, but it's true).

Monolith (2017): What an absolutely underrated gem of a game, it's a more shmup-y Isaac. I love it. I wish I could say more, it's just cool as hell. Sometimes that's all that needs to be said.

Vampire Survivors (2022): I don't know how to describe how I feel about this game. It's amazing, but it sucks. I don't even feel bad being low key a hater; it lacks a lot of sincere depth, it's repetitive and the challenge absolutely melts away once you're given access to meta tools, but I can't deny that it's addicting as all hell and charming in almost every other regard. It does a handful of cool things here and there, and is almost taking over the world. I refuse to call things "overrated" on principle, but this is damn near close. The devs are good people and they deserve every bit of praise they get, but man did this game start to wear down on me in my attempt to 100% it.

Floppy Knights (2022): As of writing this, there's still one more piece of promised final DLC, so expect to see this on my 2023 list as well once I complete that. This game is good! As with quite a few others on this list, I wrote a lengthy Steam review about it. It's a really good puzzle tactics game! Emphasis on puzzle - this will leave a lot to be desired for RPG tactics fans, which initially disappointed me, but grew on me as I started to understand it as an open-ended puzzle game. The challenge modes (with set decks you're forced to play with) really nailed this aspect and were honestly more fun and rewarding to complete than the base game which ultimately ended up a bit cheesable by the end (albeit the way its progression works, was always balanced, so I have to give it credit for that) Anyway, soft recommend for PUZZLE fans who happen to also like turn based tactics. I would tell RPG tactics fans to give it a look too, but to expect a generally slower paced and more methodical game style.

Nioh 2 (2020): It's more Nioh! For better and worse. What an absolute nightmare of a grind with totally superfluous loot treadmill mechanics that it absolutely does not need, needlessly complicated marginal stat gains across weapon and character skill trees, armor, weapons, and trinkets, etc. etc. But at the end of the day, the core mechanics surrounding its combat are absolutely exceptional, the boss fights are some of the most fun in any action game of this style I've fought, and that's even in competition with the Souls games that inspired it. It's SO fun, here's hoping Wo Long is at least a little less grind-y than this.

Umarangi Generation (2020): Retroactively one of my top 5 2020 games probably, it's got a sincere understanding of what makes the PS1 era visuals and level design that inspired it good. Mildly janky in a few areas that don't affect the overall experience, this is one of those games I'd recommend to any visual artist honestly. The photo editing is really well implemented. If I ever get around to the DLC, I'll include it in my 2023 list.

Higurashi When They Cry Chapter 1 (2006/2015): Felt the need to get around to some Ryukishi07 work in light of the announcement of Silent Hill f. Gripping and chilling, honestly, immaculate pacing and sense of tension. Admittedly required putting on some blinders to its grosser elements (mostly in the, y'know, teenage boy protag surrounded by girls premise and the weird writing that often leaves me wishing to NOT be in the protag's head) but aside from that it's still really good. You just have to be an anime trope immune person to enjoy this sort of stuff. I'll give a full opinion on the entire story as I complete it in 2023.

Mortal Shell (2020): A very souls inspired short game that was thoroughly enjoyable, save a few oddities with its character progression and are designs. There were a few stand out positives, and just a couple glaring negatives, but overall I like it a lot. I still have the expanded roguelike "Virtuous Cycle" mode to sink my teeth into, so I'll update my thoughts in 2023 on that.

Good lord, I wish there was more I could say about each game (in some cases there was, in which case I put up a likely private Steam review for, sorry)

[passiveasshole]

Late night sad thoughts

I’m fully in a relapse of the old habits.

I don’t know quite why other than I done already fucked up, why not allow myself more time to before I gotta clean it up again.

I am struggling to talk to Allen when I’m in these fixated moments. It’s not typical of our relationship for me to /not/ be able to tell him things. He knows the situation and we have established boundaries around it, but it’s just so different than the last time these things came about.

I also feel odd about my friendships. I wonder how many are still around bc it’s just been like that. Like I’m an old habit sticking around, one that will be forgotten and boxed up like an old toy or favorite now-to-tight t shirt.

Like the old habit I’ve pulled off the shelf.

It’s weird bc therapy is actually doing a lot, my relationships are generally stable, I’m not any more worried about money or the future as I was before…

Idk. I’m just in this weird inbetween of /good/ and /bad/. This limbo of knowing I can’t backslide more but I know it’s gonna hurt on the way up too.

Oh and my joints are doing extra bad, I’ve knocked my knee almost out of place (wherein it moves far too much into like a 270 degree rotation with a planed foot, makes a crunchy pop noise, and then is swollen) and my stomach painfully bloats when I eat just about anything so I’ve taken to about a meal and half a day. Which has been just so helpful difficult with the ever present ED thoughts.

[that-one-empty-skull]

esc semifinale 1 catch up part 2

Protugal was GREAT. Own-language song, rhythmic, catchy and the singer was clearly feeling herself. The stage performance was sadly a little bit lackluster

They showed four white dudes for Ireland and for one second I thought they sent out Everything Everything. They did not. Jury Bait if I've ever seen one, it sounds like any song of Ed Sheeran's latest projects

If Croatia doesn't make it to the finals I will commit crimes beyond human comprehension.<333

Love the tiddy windows for Switzerland, if nothing else. This is at least the fourth ballad Switzerland has submitted as their entry (also extremely weird entry to come from SWITZERLAND of all places but okay)

Israel was pretty okay. She did some nice splits

Moldova needed an even bigger stage show imo but I LOVED the costumes. (also very derivative tbh)

Sweden gets banished to ballad limbo.

Azerbaijan got that hobbitcore going on. This sounds like something my dad would listen to.

Netherlands gets banished to ballad limbo extra hard.

FINLAND EXTRA SLAY!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! THEY DID A HUMAN CENTIPEDE ON STAGE!!!! I love freaks getting drunk and horny <33333333 They're just like me fr

[hopeless-helpless-heart]

TW: ED

sometimes, when my ed is triggered, i watch ed movies to remind myself how delusional i was, and that it was in fact, that bad. but god, sometimes, i miss it. i miss the challenge. i miss the competition. i miss being absolutely good at something. i miss feeling in control of something. i miss that feeling that comes with it, this feeling of being invincible almost - until yaknow i pass out or something horrible. ugh. its such a weird limbo. like i have to eat, i have to eat more, my body loves me when i eat more. my brain can suck on a fuckin rock. 😤 i miss it and i hate that i can even think to miss it. i dont however, miss the fainting, the acid reflux, the cognitive distortions, feeling like im gonna fuckin die, the constant overbearing anxiety, the cancer like fatigue, the measures one takes to appease an eating disorder, being out of breath, hating my body, crying in the shower, hating to shower, hating to see myself in the mirror, the concerned looks, the speeches, the slow ass heartbeat, my teeth rotting out of my face, oh my gosh the fuckin hungerrr, the hiding, the air. i don't miss HAVING an eating disorder, but i miss having the false sense of safety and security and control.