#it's kinda undeniable that he loses more than he gains?

[cdroloisms]

honestly, there's probably a lot you can say abt c!dream in terms of losing even when he wins. because, tbh, this is...consistent.

c!dream is very intelligent and very good at PVP and these are well-established traits from the beginning of the server. he is skilled at thinking strategically and therefore is often able to navigate unfavorable situations to him in order to successfully achieve some goal of his. in terms of achieving goals, c!Dream isn't half bad in the slightest! but how do these goals actually work out for him?

in the revolution, c!dream successfully leads his side to victory while minimizing damage to his own people (and, sometimes, minimizing damage across the board: see him telling his men to hold fire to allow lmanburgians to retrieve their items.) the most amount of risk to anyone on his side is during the duel, where he ended up on half a heart to determine the end result of the war. and it's quite undeniable that c!dream wins the war--he gets to set the terms of the peace, gives them "technical" independence as he planned to from the start but says that he and the rest of the Dream SMP will view them as constituents of the greater server and gets both discs after c!tommy offers them willingly. by all means, on paper, a glowing success.

only time passes and as others treat l'manburg as independent, he is forced to do the same. "suck it green boy" becomes one of the most common catchphrases of the server when the independence that was granted them in the book that this statement was written was. literally given to them out of c!dream's mercy? and not out of their victory? he loses both discs AND significant leverage against himself due to various conflicts that involved people stealing from him and/or blackmailing him when he literally wasn't doing anything. l'manburg's ranks have swelled and the story established by it and its independence has long since drowned out any other perspective on the war.

then, in manberg/pogtopia, c!dream enters into the conflict from the perspective of wanting c!schlatt out of power. later on, remaining loyal to c!wilbur, he helps him to successfully pull off the plot to blow up L'manburg and also manages to obtain the revive book through a brief alliance with c!Schlatt. once again, his goals were successfully pulled off in no small part due to his strategizing.

and yet, in the long run, what does c!dream really gain? the revive book is something he evidently didn't know about until the trade with c!Schlatt, and the knowledge of it fucking destroys him. with both c!Schlatt and c!Wilbur dead, he immediately ends up as enemy number one, something c!Wilbur himself states later on. c!Dream, who had never really had any particularly stable alliances pre-manberg anyway, comes out the other side of November 16th even more alone than he had been before, publicly distrusted (not that he was ever really trusted, even by Pogtopia before he officially starts working against them because of the revive book, something that the content creator himself has stated was created purely to explain why c!Dream would switch sides.) the destruction of L'manburg is merely temporary. the plan to blow up L'manburg was c!wilbur's in creation, and considering how open c!Dream is about disliking c!Schlatt, I really hesitate to think that he was going out of his way to ally with guy unless he himself intentionally revealed the revive book to this end (like. c!schlatt is a smart guy, bro.)

c!dream is "secretive" about just about nothing at this time, besides I guess his actually helping Pogtopia (if you can call this guy telling the fucking Manberg cabinet that it's L'manburg, not Manberg, being secretive el em ay oh)--he's open about helping c!Wilbur with the TNT (and c!Wilbur you know, makes a point of doing it in front of an audience both times he asks c!Dream for TNT as well) in Vassal and then on November 6th, and that exact stream is also where he literally walks in the middle of Pogtopia to say hey guys. I'm Betraying You Now. like ???

everything he gains at this time culminates to 1) he helps c!Wilbur successfully pull off a plan that c!Wilbur himself came up with and wanted to pull off and does, to some degree, pressure c!Dream into agreeing with him about--even if c!Dream was going to give him the TNT no matter what, he does display a measure of resistance during Vassal Speech (whether or not you believe this resistance was genuine) and c!Wilbur responds to that by kinda threatening him. So. and 2) he gets the revive book by acting in service to a guy that was clearly established as someone he disliked and feared, and that book is also something that we KNOW scared the shit out of him and like ended up prompting a paranoid spiral that ends with him creating a whole goddamn prison to put himself inside. soooooooo. you know. and all of this is happening at the same time that his losses end up turning into "by the time november 16th rolls around and is over and done with most people either want him dead or are very very close to wanting him dead, cheers!"

then obviously, there's everything from november 16th to the staged disc finale. again, we see c!Dream pulling strategic plays left and right and achieving the goals he has--at this point, often through, uh, less than savory means. through political bullshit with NLM and well, exile, he manages to get the disc during green festival; through helping c!Techno against the butcher army, he manages to obtain a favor; through stuff involving the enderwalk and some kinda deal that im p sure has remained unspecified, he manages to get Cat from c!Skeppy; through experiments with c!Punz, he gets information on the revive book; through green festival, obtaining both discs (and therefore no longer needing to act in terms of political interests with NLM), and establishing common ground with c!Techno, he's able to destroy L'manburg through Doomsday; through having the discs + everyone hating his guts because of Green Festival, Doomsday, and to be fair everyone literally just hating his guts from the outset, he is able to ensure the security of c!Punz, the revive book, and himself by locking himself in prison. A lot of different moving parts, a lot of different goals, a lot of running around the server to get what he needs to get done done at the right times in the right ways, and he manages to con the server and put himself exactly where he wanted to be.

and yet?? and yet??? sure, he pulls off what he wants to pull off, sure he achieves his goals, but in terms of actually winning? he's paranoid and the paranoia just keeps getting worse. the threats to his life and the amount of enemies that want him dead just keep growing in numbers. he finally gets lmanburg blown up for good but you know there's going to be like 4 more factions on this server by the time he gets imprisoned. his friends ditch him and then try to kill him when he clumsily tries to communicate that he's trying to protect them because of the paranoia he has about everyone hating his guts, he explicitly identifies the reasons for people's hatred as having a lot to do with manberg/pogtopia arc where he ends up helping two dead men that aren't around for people to hate anymore, he pulls off staged finale and puts himself in a prison that ends up shattering himself.

like he achieves his goals--even if we're talking about the prison, even if we're talking about the time where things most thoroughly go awry for him because of c!sam's betrayal, you can't say that he didn't achieve what he intended. c!sam kept him alive, and would do anything to keep him alive--he might've been wrong about a lot, but he wasn't wrong about that. and yet. AND YET.

c!dream achieves his goals but where does he end up? miserable and afraid of literally damn near everything and losing his whole mind in the exact prison that he constructed to keep himself safe when in a paranoid spiral about a hostile world that suddenly made so much less sense than he was used to--alone.

like. wdym doesn't lose all he does is lose literally everything he ever had like 😭😭😭😭😭

[twistofstory]

Think of all the horrors that I promised you I'd bring I promise you, they'll sing of every time You passed your fingers through my hair and called me child Witness me, old man, I am the wild

The Horror and the Wild by The Amazing Devil

Hunt!Irbis - or, how Fish calls her, "The Hound"! Exploring thrillseeker-Irbis enjoying her life as a big toothy monster is a lot of fun for me - especially if I ignore the later part of this story :") (Don't be fooled, there're no such thing as consequence-free avatarship in my AU haha)

It would be a lie to say that Irbis regretted opening up to the Hunt. She became stronger, faster and way, way more durable - the perfect bodyguard. Irbis could see the irony of her gaining this power the same day she tragically failed at her job. Coming to terms with losing Parhelion was way harder than accepting her new monstrous life, and it wasn't a surprise. Morticians, although reluctant at first, decided that they won't lose another family member that day, and Newt kept her fate a secret from Center. In fact, he was the first to promise to stay at her side no matter the form she takes - a sentiment that undeniably brought them closer. Feeding her "master" wasn't an issue, and Irbis's prey was always welcomed at camp. Her way of living didn't change that much - in fact, Irbis felt like she was more useful to the team than ever before and embraced her newfound strength. ...Irbis didn't understand at first, why Stargazer forbid her from seeing Newt right after the attack. She was the one who saved him, after all, couldn't she comfort her friend? Only after sneaking in to say hi and almost getting shot a belated realisation finally sunk in. Now her friend knew, what it's like to be hunted, and he won't take another gamble even with her.

Fun fact about the second version: it was completely accidental! I've put all layers into a folder, and it messed up all of Glow layers in a very fun way - I just polished it a bit. I was pretty intentional with my artistic decisions on the original drawing (the first one), and I like how it turned out, but colors on the second one're soooo tasty… Can't decide which one's the best, so enjoy both of them :3 I want to make another one with Stargazer, but I kinda lost the steam( Maybe later, besides, I have an idea for this piece and a perfect song...

[weixuldo]

Enigma// ch 18

anakin x reader

a/n: shit man, stuff is getting tough! i really didn’t think this fic was gonna b as long as it’s becoming hahaha/ ngl even if ppl r losing interest, im still gonna continue it for me heheh- i really like this story :)

The night gets worse and worse

warnings: cursing, cannon disabled character, insecurity, alcohol abuse, emtephobia (barf and stuff…), DONT DO WHAT ANAKIN DOES PLS LORD, ableist comments

_______________________________

As it does, time went by and you tried to move on.

When school ended you moved in with Ahsoka and split rent; it was nice having your best friend around whenever you needed it, plus the two of you shared groceries so the cost of living was much more affordable than if you had gotten your own place. 

As much as you tried to remove Anakin from your mind, he just wouldn’t seem to leave so you enlisted the help of a professional. 

You would go to therapy sessions twice a week; not solely because of Anakin but he definitely was part of it.

Mainly you went to try and deal with the reality of being such a young mother and work on letting your stress out in positive ways: though on occasion you would try to gain insight on your relationship with the older man.

When the therapist asked about him, you explained all he had been through and let her know you knew some of the reasons he acted the way he did; but your therapist assured you no matter the reasons, that didn’t negate the validity of your feelings. 

The first few times you went you were skeptical; how was talking to some random person supposed to help you feel relieved and emotionally stable?

But after a few sessions, you started to see a difference in your moods and outlook on things. 

It was a few days after Anakin’s results came in that Ash told you about the visit she paid Anakin; she recapped her argument with him, his relapse, and that she made him go to the clinic, she told you that she would relay his results to you as soon as she could. 

You worried that she would be upset that you didn’t tell her that he was the father or that the two of you were together, but she brushed it off, “I kinda had a feeling, ya know?”.

You felt bad that he relapsed and was all alone, but then you remembered he was alone on his own merit, his behavior pushed those who cared most away… it wasn’t your fault. 

You didn’t know how long fertility tests usually took, but you awaited the results anxiously.

Every day you woke up hoping that maybe he would reach out or that maybe he would show up at your door, but each time you only set yourself up for disappointment. 

It had been around a week after Ahsoka told you he got the test; sure these things took some time, but he should have the results by now.

You weighed the option of just asking him flat out because you were frankly over his asshole hermit bit. 

The weather was nice and you didn’t have any responsibilities today… ok, maybe you would pay him a visit. You rested a palm on your stomach as you bent over to grab your shoes from the shoe rack; you were definitely showing much more than you were during the first trimester. 

You were about to head out when your phone began to ring; it was Ahsoka.

“Hey Ash, what's up?” you asked as you searched for your keys. 

I finally got it

“Got what?”

It took a lot of coaxing, but I finally got the results

You stopped at the door and placed your keys back onto the counter top; maybe you wouldn’t have to see him. 

y/n…he’s viable.

A weight felt like it had been lifted from your chest, now he had undeniable proof you were telling the truth the whole time- everything he said was for nothing and you were vindicated. 

“That’s amazing news'' you exclaimed into the phone; surely your friend could hear the huge smile on your face just from your voice. 

Yea, but what are you going to do now? He’s the father and now he knows it… you aren’t just going to let him back in after all he did, right?

“No Ash, He knows the truth now and if he wants this or is mature enough, he will come to me and apologize. The ball is in his court” you explained.

Atta girl

You smiled at your friend’s support, “Thanks Ahsoka” 

Anytime

The phone call ended and you went back to your room- hopefully you would be hearing an apology soon or at least hearing from him in general. 

_______________________________________

Across town Anakin sat on his couch and absentmindedly flipped through the channels on his tv; he told Ahsoka the news this morning and it drained him to make the call.

Ahsoka thanked him for getting the test and asked how he felt about the news. He answered quickly and hung up. He knew she was going to tell you and that he should tell you himself and apologize. But what would that do?

It would just solidify that he was a complete asshole- you deserved so much better. Surely you would do the same that he did to you…shut you down completely and demand you leave. 

Maker, why was he such an arrogant shit?

His half drunk mind wasn’t operating at full capacity and he was making a lot of dumb rationalizations to his problems;

You already thought he was an asshole, so why even bother telling you the news himself? 

You deserved better so he should just disappear from your life and not weigh you down.

He really nothing going for him, so fuck it- he was gonna get shitfaced. 

Soon he had made his way back to the couch with a six pack of bud lite and he cracked the first one. Cheers to the pathetic joke that was his life. He gulped them down one by one and sooner than he thought, the pack was already gone. 

He had a good buzz going and went to fetch more but when he scanned his messy fridge for the tinted glass bottles he couldn’t find any. 

“Fuck” he muttered, that was his last case. 

He groaned and slammed the fridge door shut. There was nothing here to cure his itch for alcohol, so he decided tonight would be a great night to go out and get shitfaced in public, cause why the fuck not?

He got his phone out and grabbed one of the many styluses he had scattered through the house for his convenience. He called for an uber to pick him up.

As he waited he changed into pants, a long sleeve, and his gloves- it had been awhile since he had gone out and he forgot what a hassle it was to put all of that shit on. 

By the time he was dressed and collected his wallet, the uber was there. Anakin was an experienced drinker, so even though he already had six beers packed away, he could sober up if he needed to be able to get into the bar. 

The car he rode in was a nice sedan, it was silver and looked like a new model; the problem for Anakin was getting in. All of the cars he usually rode in (yours, Ahsoka’s, Ben’s, and his own) were bigger and sat higher up, so he wasn’t used to having to crouch down to get in. 

He sighed and placed a stiff hand on the roof of the car to steady himself as he lowered himself into the car; he sat with a thud and grunted.

The driver was probably only a few years his junior- he wore big circle glasses, a patterned button down and had a clean shaven face. He looked like a pushover.

Anakin winced at the overwhelming smell of eucalyptus that entered his senses; he wondered how this guy was driving for a job like this- how would he defend himself against a potential threat? By throwing his eucalyptus at them?

Ahh, what was he doing? He was being judgmental for no reason. 

“Are you alright sir?” the man asked.

“Yea, i’m fine,” Anakin said, crossing his arms. 

The man nodded and began to drive to the bar Anakin had entered into the app. 

The bar he wanted to go to was one in the heart of the city, he didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight, but he also didn’t want to be alone; this bar was perfect for that because there were always people doing some random shit that he could eavesdrop on. 

They pulled up to the curb and the driver parked the car. Anakin thanked the man and opened the door to exit. Maker, he was getting nauseous from that fucking air freshener. 

He swung one leg out of the car and pushed himself up with his opposite hand. He stood and grabbed onto the hood of the car with his hand; that was harder than it had to be… damn these prosthetics. 

Once he was standing he shut the door just as the driver was asking if he needed any assistance.

Groups of people crowded around the entrance of the establishment. Some were old regulars whose teeth looked like they were gonna fall out from all of the substances they abused and on the other side there were a group of younger kids who were trying to figure out who was going to try out their fake ID first. 

He scoffed as he pushed through both groups to get inside. The bar was warm and smelled of weed, smoke, and liquor- relief washed over the melancholic man, this is where he would be able to forget. 

An open barstool was soon occupied by him and a bartender quickly made her way down to his seat. 

“I’ll have some of that honey bourbon I've been hearing people rave about” he said, a $10 bill folded between his fingers. 

“Alright, hun, that’s commin’ right up” the busty lady on the other side of the counter said as she grabbed the 10 from his hand, her hand lingering longer than he liked. 

Anakin could tell she was trying to flirt to get a better tip; back before you, he would have gladly indulged her game and revel in every motion she would do to purposefully push up her breasts and flirt back 5 times harder than she was… but now, he had no desire.

All he could think of when she tried to flirt was how he’d much rather be having a quiet night with you, not some bartender who didn’t give a rat’s ass about his life.

His drink was placed in front of him and the woman smiled, “here you are handsome”.

Normally that wouldn’t bother him- she was just doing her job… But tonight he just couldn’t. 

Once he thanked her, she sauntered away; Anakin raised a judgey brow as she intentionally swayed her hips back and forth. When she was finally busy with another customer he called over one of the other bartenders.

“Hey man, you think you could serve me tonight, I don’t really appreciate all of her flirting” he said as blankly as he could. 

The man cleaning glasses on the other side of the mahogany surface chuckled and nodded, “haha, yes man, no problem. She does lay it on pretty hard sometimes, I get it”.

Anakin thanked the man and continued to down drinks. 

As it got later, more and more people began showing up and it became uncomfortably hot. The music started to give him a headache and the smoke was getting thicker; he knew it was time to go when he could hardly suppress his coughing (no thanks to his fucked up lungs). 

The cool evening air felt cleaner than it ever had before as Anakin stood a few yards down from the bar. He had gotten far enough out of the way that he could still hear and see the lights from inside but no line was around him.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at the sky; the city’s light pollution hid the stars; he still liked to imagine how they’d look. 

He had no idea how much he had in that bar, but he felt like it wasn’t enough- he needed to do something crazy- he needed to interact with people. He wasn’t completely gone yet, but he was pretty drunk (even if he wouldn’t admit it). 

He stumbled down the sidewalk as he made his way to another bar, not far from where he was, that was a “no-smoking” establishment; he wouldn’t have to worry about choking on air there.

The sidewalk seemed to move as he steadied himself by placing a hand on the wall of the buildings on the way to his destination. 

He was feeling pretty good; his problems were far from his mind, instead he was focusing on getting to the bar. He finally made it and attempted to sit on the barstool that just couldn’t seem to sit still. Eventually he caught a bartender’s attention and got set up there with a 20 oz draft beer. 

This bar was crowded too, but less head-pounding music and young adults. He sipped his drink peacefully as he watched the others in the bar; there were a few couples on dates, a group of guys playing pool, and another group throwing darts. 

He downed his beer and placed the glass on the bar as he waited for more- this was definitely one way to spend his army money. 

As he waited a brown haired woman came up behind him and placed a lingering hand on his shoulder.

“Hello, you look lonely tonight, anything I could help with?”.

The lady wore a dress that was way too short and it did not flatter her body at all. She smelled of overwhelming cheap perfume and beer. He was already over it. 

“Nah, I’m just fine,” he said, attempting to wave her off.

She caught one of his gloved hands and began taking off his covering as she asked, “ooh, you have very stiff hands, must be strong-lets see..”.

She managed to get the glove halfway up his palm before he snatched his hand to his chest; “what the fuck you think you’re doing?!” he hissed.

She laughed, “You’re like a robot or somethin’ haha, I’m sure I could please you better than that plastic could, and I only require a pack of cigs after, no monetary charge” she promoted proudly. 

“Not in a million years lady” Anakin mumbled as his cup was replaced with a full one. 

She scoffed and put her hands on her hips, “well that’s alright, I didn’t really want to fuck a cripple anyways”.

At that moment Anakin had the urge to grab her by that pathetic excuse of a dress and throw her against the nearest wall, but he knew he shouldn’t.

“Fuck off”

“No wonder you look lonely, with a personality like that you must be impossible to be around” she huffed before finding the next guy to latch on to. 

He was getting drunker and her words hit a little too close to home- he needed to be more wasted. He began to find random people who would do shots with him. Soon he was blacked out and drinking with everyone. 

“ and i-its its sooo fucked, ‘cause I… I really do love her, but she… I don’t think s-she… I don’t know, WHO WANTS TO DO MORE SHOTS?!” Anakin was everywhere.

He sat at the bar and did two hurricane shots right after another (where you drink it then get water thrown in your face then the bartender slaps you across the face). He was at the point that he couldn’t even feel that-he was gone. 

Though soon after, the shots began catching up with him and he started feeling nauseous. He laid his forehead down on the bar and puked in between his legs and the counter. Some people around offered to help and the bartender got him some water; he insisted he didn’t need it but the alcohol was definitely making him dehydrated. 

Through the middle of sounds he heard a staff member say, “someone needs to get him outta here, we can’t have him in the bar like this”. 

The fuck were they saying? He was completely fine. 

Before he could tell what was happening he was being carried out of the bar and was sitting on the curb outside. Fuck, what was going on?

Everything was blurry, he felt nauseous and all he could focus on was this sharp pain in his side and the pounding headache that was plaguing him.

________________________

Anakin had no idea where he was, but he knew he didn’t feel good. He sat up and puked.

He felt a hand on his back and was about to protest when another wave of nausea hit- when would it end?

More shit happened in a blur and he eventually made it into an Uber and headed home. 

————-about two hours earlier—————

After he was thrown out of the bar downtown he was picked up by a group of frat boys who thought it would be cool to challenge a random drunk guy to a drinking contest.

In his inebriated state, Anakin went with the men (even though they basically had to carry him to the club they were going to). 

No one in their right mind would still allow Anakin to consume drinks, he was visibly not well and clearly needed to be cut off; but that wouldn’t be any fun for the frat.

They took him to a club where they frequented so the staff allowed them to do whatever the fuck they wanted. 

Anakin continued to drink and drink… and drink. 

Once he started puking again, one of the relatively kinder boys took time to ask his address and got him an uber home.

And that's where Anakin was now. 

He rested his forehead against the back window of the sedan and the driver drove quickly; he was probably worried that Anakin was going to yak in the back of his car. They arrived at Anakin’s apartment in decent time and the driver asked Anakin to leave. 

Anakin nodded and tried to get up but he couldn’t quite get his footing; the driver huffed and helped him out of the car. 

The driver helped Anakin into the house and saw some cash lying on the end table; sure, he helped Anakin inside but that didn’t mean this guy was a saint. 

Anakin leaned against the wall for support the driver swiped the cash and dashed out of the door. He had no clue what happened or what was going on, all he knew was that he felt awful and he needed to get to bed. 

He headed that way but he tripped over himself and landed on the floor with a thud.

A groan escaped him and his vision went black. 

***

a/n: more self destructive behavior… what’s new? lolll, srry the updates have been spaced out a bit, i’ve been doing a lot at work haha

taglist : @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimone12 @fallinlovewithevil

[moonflower-31]

I Won’t Forget You - Spencer Reid x Reader

Masterlist  

Part 24 

Warnings: Brief mention of self harm, Panic attacks, etc.  

Also (F/C/T) is: Your favorite cookie type 

Tags: @dra-reid, @eevee0722, @ceeellewrites, @anotherr-fine-mess, @ssahoodrathotchner, @egg-boy03, @helena-way07, @l0ve-0f-my-life, @serendipity-imagines, @kaelyn-lobrutto24, @thatsonezesty13, 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. - Edgar Allan Poe 

You bite your lip anxiously as you slowly pull away from Spencer’s now much more soaked cardigan. You sigh and attempt to wipe the spot down with your hand. "I'm sorry…" you said in a small voice. Spencer gently took your hands in his own and made you look into his eyes. 

"How can you be sorry for something you couldn't control? It's alright by me, (Y/N). Do you need someone to go in with you?" Spencer asked, his hands wanting desperately to hold you and to keep you ever so close to his chest so that you never had to fear for your safety. Because in his arms he could protect you. He could be the safe haven you needed to get back on your feet. And he would happily do so.  

You sniffled and pushed a strand on your hair that had fallen in your face behind your ear. You shook your head, gulping nervously before attempting to speak again. 

"N-no… Hotch wanted me to meet him in his office. I-I should be okay. Hotch… he wouldn't hurt me." You assure, although your voice betrayed your real feelings. You were nervous you were going to lose your probationary agent status and be downgraded to a desk-work agent. You were so close to the team now. You had already been working on fine-tuning your resume to turn in when Peter attacked you. 

Spencer sighed and squeezed your hand. "Okay. But just know I'll be here when you come out. I only have a few more reports to do. And each of them only require about a normal printer paper's worth of documentation to complete. Suffice to say you don't need to worry." 

You gave Spencer the best smile you could muster, which ended up only being a weak small one, before you turned your attention towards the small set of stairs. You then walked up to Hotch's office, the pounding of your heart and the rushing blood roaring in your ears. 

The carpet muffled the slight clop of your heels, quieting the pounding in your head just a smidge. You could see him in his office. He was business as usual, as always. You could feel your lungs collapse and refill as you took in each breath. You almost felt trapped inside your body. All around you you could only see blurry pictures of what was real. And you then began to see clearly what wasn't.  Piercing, evil green eyes began to appear on the walls, all staring at you. 

Whatever you had carried in your hands was now on the floor, your chest feeling ever so heavy. One by one your senses and functions were turning themselves off. It started with your hearing, and then your sight began to darken around the edges of your vision. By then you could see the partial outline of Spencer’s figure, trying to say something. But you couldn't hear him. The only thing you could hear was the pounding and the roaring of blood and your heart in your ears. It was deafening. 

Then you lost your ability to breathe, clutching at your chest as you coughed and wheezed, trying to suck in as much air as you could as your throat closed and swelled. Spencer gripped your arms, and it seemed like Hotch soon after joined him in trying to help you. Then you lost the ability to stand. And you fell face first into Spencer’s arms where he thankfully caught you. But it wasn't long after this that you began to lose consciousness from the lack of air in your lungs and the increasing pounding of your heart. 

The last thing you knew you would remember was the semi clearing view of Spencer’s eyes looking into yours, trying to urge you to stay awake. 

○●♡●○ 

You reawaken to Spencer's apartment ceiling, confused as to how you had gotten there. More concerned as to who was there with you. You attempt to move, to make someone aware that you were awake.  

"Hey, so Sleeping Beauty actually awakens." 

You groan at the sudden realization of who was in the room with you. You sit up slowly, turning your head to see a familiar pair of whiskey colored eyes staring at you from the corner of the room. 

"G...Gabriel?" 

Gabriel nods and chuckles to himself, advancing closer to you and taking a seat next to you. "Yep. What, were you expecting a stringbean? Prince charming? Cause he's in the other room with Chocolate Thunder." 

You widen your eyes for a moment and start to laugh softly from knowing Gabriel knew Garcia's nickname for Morgan. "You know about that?" 

Gabriel gives you a raised eyebrow. "What don't I know about you and your new work friends at this point?" 

You nod a few times. Fair enough. 

"What I also know… is that you are so undeniably in love with that pipe cleaner with eyes in there it ain't funny.  And he likes ya back. You know how many times I had to bribe him with my copy of the Hebrew version of the bible to leave you alone in here? He refused to let you go. Like seriously. Confess already. It's kinda sickening." Gabriel teases, nudging your shoulder. You look down at the floor, sniffling and laughing partly. 

Gabriel's teasing facade fell and he narrowed his eyebrows. "Kid… seriously. Are you okay? You passed out at work. That's not normal. Not even for me. And that's saying something." Gabriel's eyes widen and he holds up two hands as if saying he was innocent. 

You snicker gently, crossing your arms comfortably. "I… I guess? My uh… my Mom stopped by to beat me to a pulp today." 

Gabriel's face immediately shifted and redness increased in his face. "Are you serious? That bitch tried something? After what she did to you?! Selling you to fucking Peter?!" Gabriel hissed, his hands tightening at his sides. You flinch at his louder tone, sniffling and wiping your quickly tearing up eyes. 

"She's a narcissist, Gabe. S-she only cares about herself and th-the business. T-that she already got money for selling me to him. And it's non-refundable apparently." The dark cloud that had been around your head before your attack quickly was returning. And here you thought you'd finally be able to see sunlight. 

Gabriel sighed, his hand flexing against his jeans. "(Y/N)... I'm sorry kid. You don't deserve her. Deserve anything that's happened to you. Once we get her in jail alongside Pe-" 

You flinch at the beginning mention of Peter’s name, causing Gabriel to pause his statement and rephrase it. Gabriel sighed and began to speak again. "Once we get them both in jail, you'll be able to focus on yourself. Getting better. I'll even pay for your therapy if you want. It comes with candy I hear." Gabriel smirked, his tone growing playful to try and get a smile out of you. 

You do end up smiling gently, nodding wordlessly to your oldest friend. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you closer to him, letting you hug his torso. "Come 'ere. Let's just calm down for now, eh? Don't want you fainting on me again." Gabriel encouraged, gaining a brief chuckle from you. 

You snuggle closer, glad Gabriel understood you enough to know this was what you needed. You rest your head against his chest and listen to his heart's strong pumping. 

A few moments of resting later, a pair of footsteps exit the kitchen and make their way towards the living room. You feel a slight twinge of fear build up in your chest, but you quickly feel it exit when you hear his voice enter the room as well. 

"How is she?" Spencer asks Gabriel, probably assuming you were still asleep or adjusted while they were in the kitchen. 

"Fine, considering what she's been through. Thanks for calling me though, Spencer. I've been tryna get clearance to see her for a few weeks and only just got it. The life of a field agent." Gabriel expressed, getting what you guessed to be a nod and a grunt from Morgan. 

"It ain't all fun and games, I can tell you that." He answers, a sigh soon after leaving his lips. You open your eyes slowly and see Morgan clutching his lower thigh where he'd been shot by Peter. You resist your urge to bite your lip, wanting to enjoy a few minutes of just listening before having to interact.  

"What happened? Seriously? She didn't go into detail, and I respect that. But how did she end up fainting on her way to the boss's office?" Gabriel questioned, his hand rubbing up and down your arm. He knew you were still awake. It was like he already knew what was going through your head. 

"Her…" Spencer sighed, biting his nails for a moment as his eyes traveled over towards your supposedly sleeping form on his couch. "Her mother came in and attacked her. She stood up for herself but in the process I think she showed Hotch how unready she was for work. That's what he said anyway. That Derek and I should stay with her for a few weeks. We'll alternate cases once he goes back so she has someone at home." Spencer began to explain. You were glad you were awake now. Otherwise you doubted you would get as clear and concise of an explanation of what was going to happen if they knew you were awake. 

Gabriel gritted his teeth and looked off to the side in annoyance. "Yeah. I know about that. Which pisses me off honestly. How did she even get in? Don't you gotta have an ID to get in? An appointment or something?" He asks, his voice harsher than you'd ever usually heard it. 

"Hey, man we ain't in charge of that. That's the front desk. But yeah. Usually you gotta have an ID and or you gotta have an appointment or a meeting with an agent. She probably said she had a meeting with (Y/N) and they let her in." Derek explained, holding his hands up cautiously. 

Gabriel let out a sigh and groaned. "Fine fine. But still. It shouldn't be that easy. She should be as safe at that office as she is at home." 

Spencer nodded, his eyes closing slowly and staying closed as he sighed heavily. Something was weighing on him. You knew it. Was it you? It wasn't his fault. But then again, did he know that? 

You finally gained enough strength to finally face the two of your closest friends and began to open your eyes again, gently moving yourself away from Gabriel's chest. 

Spencer was the first to notice, his face immediately lighting up when he saw your open eyes. "(Y/N/N)..." he breathed, a smile pulling onto his face. Gabriel stifled a chuckle, rubbing your arm before giving you a reassuring look. You nodded to him, and he then stood up. He nudged at Morgan’s shoulder and winked at him. 

"Let's give 'em a few minutes, Brown Sugar. See? I can do nicknames too." He teases before he gestures for Morgan to follow him into the other room. Morgan laughed and winked back at him, following him into the kitchen. 

You look up at Spencer, gesturing to the seat beside you. He takes the spot as soon as you assure him that he was welcome. He was so cautious, wanting to make you as comfortable as you could be. You couldn't think of anyone else so attentive. 

"Spencer-" 

"(Y/N)-" 

You snicker softly, hearing a laugh echo from Spencer. For the first time in what felt like years you felt the foreign feeling of your heart skipping a beat. His laughter was like a blessing for you. And you were glad to have it. 

"You first." Spencer spoke up again after a moment. You sighed and rubbed your neck. 

"Spencer… I'm sorry. I… I didn't know I was going to faint or-or have a panic attack-" the increasing need to explain yourself filled up your chest. You didn't look him in the eyes, ashamed of not having been able to control how you acted.

But then he gently took your hands in his. Well, your wrists mostly. He was still wary of germs. "(Y/N/N)... Have I been known to lie to you?"  

You took a few deep breaths as you blinked at his question. "N-no… no you've always told the truth. That I know of." 

Spencer nodded. "Then should you determine that what I said to you when you apologized for wetting my cardigan, a lie?" 

You swallow nervously and sigh, shaking your head as you picked at your nails. You felt guilty. But that didn't mean what Spencer was saying didn't help. 

Spencer sighed. "You should not have to apologize for things you cannot control. It would be like asking me to apologize for having the IQ I do." Or for loving you, which would be a crime to apologize for. Spencer thought silently. 

Spencer’s hand raised up to your shoulder and rested there, pulling you closer to him. You both stayed quiet for a few moments, just listening to the other breathe. 

"You were awake when I talked with Gabriel, weren't you?" He asked after a few moments of silence. You bit your lip and exhaled tiredly. Your upper eyelids began to fall, proving your exhaustion. It was an exhaustion you hadn't felt since you were rescued from the clutches of your captor that shouldn't be named. 

"Y-yeah… I was just… I wasn't ready to really be awake yet." You explained. "I'm so-" 

Spencer shook his head. "Please, don't apologize for taking the time you needed." You didn't finish your statement, just letting yourself rest against him this time. 

"Okay…" you whispered, unsure of what else to say. Your tongue felt baren of words, unable to comprehend a combination that would effectively continue the conversation that you didn't second guess yourself on. 

"It's okay to have listened, (Y/N). I was just making sure you knew what Hotch said about you going back to work. You and Morgan have some time off that Hotch has given you both. He wants you to take the time to recover. If I'm totally honest, I do too." Spencer expressed, gently rubbing your arm as you laid against his chest. 

"But… I don't know what to even do with my time, Spencer. I'd bore myself." You look down at your fingers, groaning at the idea of being alone and unable to distract yourself from your self-destructive thoughts. You were glad you wouldn't be alone. Then maybe you'd be able to stave off of going back to self harm. 

"That's why Morgan will be here. For a little while. Then when he's able to go back in the field we'll alternate cases. So that you won't have to be alone, (Y/N)." Spencer assured you. "I'm sure I can help occupy your day with books." "O-or whatever you want to do." Spencer quickly adds, blushing softly. 

You smiled softly at his attempt to make you feel better. "Promise you'll read me Edgar Allen Poe and we have a deal." You attempt to tease. Spencer smiles at you and nods, hugging you closer. Seeing you cheering up was the best thing to happen to him in that entire half of the day since lunch break. You were safe in his arms. You were warm, protected, and that was all he could ask for. 

"Quoth the raven." Spencer answered, causing you to snicker. You curl up next to him, letting yourself ease breaths in and out. He was warm, and his heartbeat rhythmic. Forget any sort of music playlist. You could fall asleep listening just to his heartbeat and be off to dreamland in a matter of minutes. The warmth alone was comforting. Like a gigantic comforter that wrapped around you securely. 

"Spence… I…" you began, feeling an urgency full your chest. Were you really going to tell him? Tell him now how you felt? Would he feel the same? Gabriel could be wrong. Yet again, he was wrong about a lot of things. But were they ever this serious? 

Spencer adjusted his position so you could look him in the eyes. "Hm?" He answered, giving you the most adorable look you'd ever seen. Yeah. You were. While you still had this bit of confidence and urgency in your chest. Butterflies burst into your stomach, making you worry for a stutter. You wait a few moments to collect your bearings, before attempting what would be impossible with your normal level of confidence.

"I… I lo-" 

"Heya you two! Butterscotch and I just made cookies in here. You want one? They're your favorite, (Y/N)." Gabriel called from the kitchen. You jumped at the sudden additional voice, before sighing mournfully. 

"Are you okay?" Spencer asks. 

You exhale half annoyedly and nod. "Yeah… he just scared me." 

Spencer nodded and rubbed your back for a moment. "So… what were you going to say?" He asked, begging and hoping his cheeks weren't as red as they were warm. 

You look up into Spencer’s warm hazel eyes, but feel that last trickle of confidence slip away. You sigh and shake your head. "I… I uh… I wanted to ask if you'd want to have a movie marathon tonight. Just… as a distraction." 

Spencer blinked a few times before he nodded. "Yeah, totally. As long as Star Trek is in there somewhere." 

You giggle softly and chuckle. "Sure, fanboy." 

You stand up gently before beginning to head to the kitchen. Curse Gabriel and his want to share. You would already be kissing Spencer’s face off at this very moment if he'd waited a few more minutes before announcing he'd made cookies. But then again, (F/C/T) cookies sounded pretty good too. 

Back to the drawing board, with a few extra post-it notes of anxieties and PTSD. You'd get there. Somehow. 

[ichabodcranemills]

re: D*rklina

@musical-chick-13 I’m putting this under a read more, because I have additions and, yes, it is long 😂

So, as far as I can tell from what show-watchers have told me, yes, he is definitely worse in the books. And specifically, the general idea in said books seems to be that just because someone is charismatic and attractive and “gets” parts of you doesn’t mean that they’re a good partner or even worth your time, which is a message I have waited FOREVER to see. Beauty (and to a lesser extent, magnetism) does not equal goodness. The Dark/ling (I have no idea if the names will show up in the tags so I’ll put slashes in the middle of them, wow this website’s features need revamping) always seemed…very entitled to Al/ina. There wasn’t any desire for them to become equals (even in a moral sense by dragging her down to his moral level or raising himself up to hers). His behavior and pursuit of her seems much more motivated by the idea of being able to congratulate himself on the fact that he’s “won” her. She’s more of like…a conquest to him? And maybe that’s a huge misread of his character on my part, but the Leigh, the author, HAS said in the past that some of the Dark/ling’s dialogue and actions were written as a way for her to make sense of and deal with an irl toxic relationship she was in during part of the writing period, so I…don’t think it’s a completely unreasonable interpretation? And that’s not to say that power imbalance ships should Never Be Shipped (because they can be genuinely compelling or even fun to watch under the right writer), and Leigh has even said that she Gets The Appeal herself.

But I think the reasons Tho/schei works for me where D*rklina doesn’t are because 1) Tho/schei have genuinely known each other for a long time (and even been on good terms for some of it) but the Dark/ling decides, despite being this all-powerful charismatic force who is hundreds of years old, to get pettily involved in a teenage love triangle in very little time which is a choice that makes absolutely no sense to me at all, 2) The Doctor is an extremely morally grey character, in a way that if they aren’t careful could easily match the destructiveness of The Master. They both are aware of this, and both of them believe themselves (in their own ways) to be “above” morality (The Doctor in the sense of “I know what’s best and my choices are law” and The Master in the sense of “My choices are law and I deserve to cause destruction and have complete control”. There are…not equal, but similar enough levels of moral ambiguity that it makes sense to me that they still Get™ each other. The Doctor also likes Intellectual Challenges and Foiling Grand Plots, to the point where it’s often the Most Important Thing, and The Master not only provides those, but enjoys the conflict as well, and 3) They actually are close to being equals. They’re both very smart, powerful, immortal. Obviously The Doctor has Much More Life Experience and a more extraordinary legacy because of the Timeless Child thing, but Missy’s primary goal was simply “I want my friend back” and Dhawan!Master freaked out because it was impossible to see them as equals anymore. The Doctor, as per Twelve, wants the Master to be good because they’re alike in a way no one else in either of their lives are. They kind of…want the same thing but in different ways, whereas The Dark/ling, while understanding The Burden Of Power, doesn’t actually want the same thing Al/ina does.

And that relationship between D*rklina could still make for a fascinating dynamic, and one that in another life I might even be into myself if not for the whole “reducing it to Good Girl Saves Bad Boy” trope that I keep seeing within a good deal of the fandom. Not that a general fandom reaction or misread should prevent anyone from enjoying something, but I’m so tired that it’s nearly impossible for me to separate them at this point, lol. Ultimately it boils down to the fact that they seem like such fundamentally different people that I don’t personally see how they could ever truly find common ground or genuinely appreciate their similarities. I think the most interesting exploration of a romantic bent to their dynamic would be in a context  where they are so different and recognize that they’re so different, and they might want to focus on their similarities, but it’s not enough. There could be this undeniable pull between them, but what does that really mean when held up against who they are and how they choose to interact with the world? And then having to deal with the necessary antagonism that results. I guess I see the existence of this ship as like…more of a thought exercise than anything I would ever want to happen in any way other than a one-sided attraction on his part, or that could ever truly be narratively justified. But also like…I hate him, so that makes it kind of hard for me to want to explore it in any way at all. Which that’s a personal thing. Other people like this character, and I’m genuinely happy for them that they can see something I don’t.

UGH, I’m sorry this got so long. This is what happens when I have an urge to Share my Thoughts.

I totally understand your feelings and I think the show did a good job on not only humanizing the D*rkling, but also making the relationship more palatable. I, mean, I’m sure we can partially blame Mr. Barnes’ soulful eyes, but I definitely got the impression that, while the D*rkling wants to use Alina for his own gains, he is very drawn to her as THE Sun Summoner, as in “we are linked and will inevitably be the only one for the other”, he basically tells Mal as much.

And I don’t blame you for losing interest in them because of the fandom, it can be very frustrating, especially if one of the characters didn’t appeal to you in the first place (I mean, I’ve been there, hello R*ylo, lmao)

I think I get what you’re saying about how this works out in the books and how what draws me to D*rklina isn’t necessarily textual. And I think I might have went in a little biased when I watched the show, because, before I did, a friend told me she was getting Thoschei vibes from it, but didn’t especify where, So I watched and there it was: M*lina… okay, school best friends, us against the world, but in general, eh, they were too “perfect” (as in, no real conflict between them). And then D*rklina with everything I said on my original post. I mean, I was looking for a thoschei-like dynamic and I found one 😂.

I’ve read some spoilers for the book, so I know my whole “200 years later” fantasy doesn’t happen, so I agree with you, this ship is more of a thought exercise. But I think the show sets it up in a way that is Just My Thing, whereas the book is more straightforward with how incompatible these two are, romantically. But the fandom will ship away, even in kinda blergh ways, it’s how it is 🤷

[itsakpopalypse]

Jung  Yunho/U-Know (TVXQ)  Astrology- How he loves

A gift to a lovely friend (think late birthday gift) @zev-parrish​, i give you, your man. 

 As all astrology is meant to be fun, i will disclaim here that i cant find a birthtime, (as with most of these charts) so keep in mind not all of it will be right. this is for fun, please don’t at me lol

So, his chart is split pretty evenly between Aquarius and Sagittarius. 

both are “active” but he does have some Capricorn and Taurus to even this out some, and with a North node in Taurus he is the type to only practice deep and meaningful relationships, whether romantic of platonic

His Aquarius is Sun, Mercury, Venus, Jupiter. 

His Sagittarius is Mars, Saturn and Uranus.

His moon and Neptune is in Capricorn., taurus (rising) and North Node

So now to decode those placements and why they matter

All the Aquarius says to me that he is forward thinking, kind of out of the box but actually a lot more intellectual than he seems at first

probably a bit out of the box thinker, kind of “So I have this CRAZY idea” and it’s JUSt crazy enough to work

Aquarians put the greater good above self, so he likely has a strong moral code that he sticks to and will speak up if people violate the rights of others,

Aquarius in Mercury tells me he is a very enthusiastic speaker, a hand talker and quite charming,

his energy radiates out and draws people in

between the sag and aquarius it’s likely he doesn’t force anyone to listen or follow, he just exists, and people are drawn in by this strong sense of self he carries. 

his spirit is likely an oasis for people

like you just know that you can be yourself because he is so nonjudgmental and thoughtful 

Aquarius Venus means he’s big on boundaries, he respects everyone, their right to their own time, and prefers things to fall into place.

in relationships, he is not the type to force time together, or demand a lot, but if time is given he will treasure that, understanding how important someone’s choice to spend their time with him would be

Mars in Sagittarius says that he is PASSIONATE and DRIVEN

if he has a goal, he will figure out how to get to that, 

with the combination of that mars and cap moon, he probably refuses to lose when it comes to competition, 

lowkey has a bit of self doubt, the Capricorn moon indicates he isn’t always sure he’s worth praise or that he can do things,

but he also wont give up, especially if he feels like other people need him to keep going. 

gains strength from those around him, 

when he gains focus on something, just stand back and watch him go, because he will succeed. 

His sagittarius Uranus suggests he will challenge authority if he thinks it impedes the forward momentum of others

a champion of the underdogs, ready to stand up for those with less strength, even if he wouldn’t do it for himself. 

The combinations of Aquarius and Sagittarius he has makes me think he is just this pure ball of passion, 

so much to do , so much to learn, such strong opinions. 

He isn’t necessarily stubborn, at least not if he respects you, but he will hold very strong morals that he sees as non negotiable.

he prefers deep friendships that make him think,

someone who challenges his thinking and keeps him sharp

he would want someone he can have deep conversations with or at the drop of a hat decide on a random adventure 

think “It’s two am and there’s a meteor shower, come outside  I have blankets and a place to watch from.” 

he’d already be outside with hot drinks and a treat, and a huge, unfathomably charming smile.  

In a relationship, this translates to the most easygoing slide into love

you’d just be the closest friends, never realizing that you were more until one day he turns to say some horrible joke and you have this oh shit moment

oh you’re in love

and he is too, and he already KNOWS you are, 

but seeing the revelation on your face would please him beyond words. 

 kind of like he was waiting for you to figure it out. 

he’d just slide an arm around you and kiss your forehead. 

seems the type to be affectionate in the most sugary sweet ways?

almost innocently 

brushing the hair from your face or tracing the tip of your nose with his finger

giggles and secretive smiles, the type to be so INNATELY PROUD that you are his,

i dont think he would be egotistical, or think much about his own looks or that of others

he is looking for a soul connection and yearns for that deep earth shattering closeness that doesn’t even need words

the type build over time and attention

probably pays close attention to your smallest concerns and wishes, 

secretly plans to make them all happen for you

would be so loyal and unshakably single minded in a relationship

it would be impossible to turn his head once his heart made a choice

people often think Aquarians fear  commitment but that’s not true, they just don’t want to commit until the strength of a bond is undeniable.

he wants to feel so understood by another that he knows that they are on his side no matter what. 

wow that’s soooooo

probably very into traditional cute relationship things. loves to savor the sweetness of new love. 

hand holding would probably make him  feel so ?? loved??

that would turn to longer embraces 

something tells me he’s the kiss the back of the hand type

that’s just a haunch. 

just so connected and  loyal, a wholesome lover.

18+ below, we gettin 

SP I C Y 

yikes, big YIKES

alright so HERE’S THE THING

Aquarians are very altruistic and compassionate in life.....

and very passionate and adventurous in bed...

Sagittarius are LIKEWISE very  up for anything

I don’t actually see him as particularly *dominant* or submissive

He just seems like a very sensual and high passion lover

what? Is? gentle?

this man is going to play with sensation and pressures in different ways

very giving, and very proud of what he can do

remember driven, competitive and caring?

that translates to varied and sometimes risky encounters

maybe public play?

“Let’s see how fast you fall apart for me before someone comes.”

and you’ll come before anyone else does, he will be sure of it,

Oh, you’re too loud?

the type to stick his finger in your mouth while he fucks you against a wall, maintaining eye contact with a smirk and a raised brow. 

 that’s.. oof

remember how his mercury is also Aquarius? and I said that means a good communicator?

that translates here too. 

praise kink probably goes both ways,

loves the sensuality of your words whispered into his skin just as much as he likes to do the same to you

to be honest Venusian Aquarius is the least jealous and most likely to be down for polyamory or just .. including someone else in play

he doesn’t feel insecure in these situations, as i stated if he is in a relationship he craves emotional intimacy and connection, so he already knows his worth and someone else being there sexually wouldn’t faze him

Sagittarius mars means he really likes to feel as much the center of your desire as you are his,

talk pretty to him and he will make you forget every name except his

the type to leave a trail of bites and kisses across your skin, blossoms of purple and blue that he takes pride in

not in a possessive way, in an intimate way that shows how you trust each other

also down to destroy your pelvis, 

probably likes to try new positions, 

almost definitely likes you on top where he can talk you through your movements and splay your hands on his chest, one controlling hand around your throat with just enough pressure to keep you from collapsing against him

just enough to  make you grind into him with desperation,

wanting to see you fall apart for him in the most beautiful way

alternates between deep gazes into your eyes as you call his name , intimate and so filled with love that he wants to immortalize the moment

....and the most rushed, passion induced “i have to have you now” fucks

dirty raw and emotional , he likely doesn’t have flings.

even the fastest most rushed encounter is so filled with what he carries in  his heart that you never doubt his devotion. 

Aftercare is probably giving you something to clean up with while he tucks you against his body and breathes in your scent, 

content to make you happy, content to feel you close

seems like a round two after a nap kinda guy, so I hope you have stamina 

just a really intimate lover that wants to feel you inside his heart while he’s inside you. 

a two hearts beat as one, sort of lover. 

I hope you liked it dear !!!

requests are currently closed while I catch up, but you can ask me if I have  a certain Idol on the list and I will let you know!

[cosmic-navel-gazin]

I just now realized that both Adam and Raziel are the small boys of their own duo. And by small I mean the other two are just insanely tall. This is just the second half of Part 4 of these ramblings that had to be split in two. Also, I really want Kain’s pants.

In which I chronicle my Legacy of Kain journey and bridge it with your boy Adam Warlock, and Thanos too for a bit! (Part 4.5 of many, not many SPOILERS for Soul Reaver 1 and 2)

Part 1

Part 1.5

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

I ended Part 4 talking about how both Raziel and Adam can’t stay dead for long.

 In Adam’s case, whenever he is killed / is mortally wonded / just needs a bit of solitude and peace and quiet, this gross ass cocoon forms around him and keeps him safe (similar to the one that gave him birth).

He stays there dissolving and reforming, metamorphosing for an uncertain amount of time (could be an instant, could be years), and coming out a little bit changed every time.

He’s had other methods of resurrection but this is the main “normal” one.

And I want to follow that with a bit of a tangent on how this “undying business” translates into gameplay with Raziel. I think the devs made it into a very interesting mechanic in my opinion, present in both Soul Reaver 1 and 2.

 Basically, if you lose all your health, you are transported to the Spiritual Realm  - a more spooky and eerie version of the Material Realm, where architecture bends, passages open and everything gains a bluish tint. I let myself be killed here as an example:

If you get killed while in the Spectral Realm, you are transported back to the last checkpoint (in Soul Reaver 1, you would be transported to the bottom of the Abyss and have to make your way up to where you were killed). Another example:

In Soul Reaver 2, even the checkpoints have an in-lore explanation, which I think is awesome, Raziel says:

"These ancient obelisks were mysteriously attuned to my spiritual essence. By simply touching the symbol, I could safely preserve an imprint of my soul, and thus create a milestone to which I could return when weary, and from which I could resume my journey."

You can also just shift to the Spiritual Realm whenever you please without having to die. Useful to gain access to previously inaccessible places:

Yey stairs!

Here's a few examples of this mechanic in Soul Reaver 1 I found online:

But, even though you can go spiritual at will, to return to the Material Realm you need to be at specific marked points, and be at full health (done by consuming a few wandering souls):

I don't know if it is technically impressive or not for the PS1, Dreamcast and PS2 to pull this off, but I personally marvel at it every time. And I think it's an interesting way to represent immortality through gameplay, not just storywise.

I do wonder now how you would translate Adam’s resurrections into gameplay if Marvel had a game where he’s playable. I think some notes and ideas could be taken from Soul Reaver. Maybe while his body is being recreated in his cocoon, you take control of his soul, hanging out on Mistress Death’s domain, since he’s no stranger to that place. I don’t know, I guess I just want an excuse to see him and Death interact more:

Anyway... oh yeah! I spent so much time gushing all over the soul devouring mechanic in Soul Reaver 1 in my first post, that I forgot to show how it looks in Soul Reaver 2 in both Realms:

I'll be honest, I think I prefer the green flame look from the first game (probably because that was my first exposure to it), but I do like the Spiritual Realm version of the souls here with the little skulls flying about.

Ok, back to that scene between Raziel and Kain I started talking about in Part 4 when they’re at The Ruined Aerie .

I mentioned in Part 3, how it started to look like we might get a similar development for them to that of Thanos and Adam, in the sense of them going from sworn enemies to friends. And the tone of this meeting shows a nice little change in their relationship in that direction (yey! because I'm a huge unrepentant sucker for this kind of thing).

Whereas before their encounters were wholly antagonistic from Raziel's part, now it is much more ammicable. It's not sudenly smiles and hugs or anything, quite the opposite. Raziel does say that he will try and kill Kain if he even suspects that doing so will make things better. But it is noticeably different.  Instead of it being all like "face me and die monster!", like usual, we get this exchange:

Raziel:

"Oh no. Every time you turn up something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think I have the stomach for it."

Kain: (laughs softly):

"No drama this time, Raziel."

Nice.

In the last couple of scenes Raziel even openly defends Kain when talking to others, which would be unthinkable during Soul Reaver 1. Our greatest enemy in the previous game is now an ally of sorts, or the closest we have to that. And our previous benefactor, The Elder God, who rescued me form the Abyss and tasked me with destroying Kain and the vampire race, may not be as benevolant as he showed. 

Just awesome stuff here with your allies turning into foes and vice-versa the more we dig into this land's History. In fact, I'll just throw this out there, but the whole seemingly betrayal of Raziel, of Kain ripping his wings and throwing him into the Abyss...

I'm beginning to think that it may have been a necessary evil in Kain’s attempt to restore Nosgoth, and not so much a fit of jealousy as it was shown. But I'll reserve judgement. It kinda depends on when exactly did Kain stumble upon Moebius' secret lair and peered into the future. Like, if he knew that Raziel had to burn and become a wraith to help create the paradoxes. So for now it's just a random thought.

But yeah maybe Raziel's starting to see that Kain has been as much of a pawn as he is. Both forced to play out some part in a grand scheme, and both forced down a path of bad decision after bad decision. Just how Adam and Thanos get closer as they realise they’re more alike than they care to admit, especially in their flaws and shortcomings, and that each is the only person the other can really relate to on a deeper level.

I mean don't get me wrong, Kain is undeniably monstruous, but he seems to be genuinly trying to fix things and the raw deal he was given in life. So maybe we can get something like Thanos’ “redemption” years for Kain by the end of this cosmic drama:

Would like to see Kain getting out of this wiser (and Raziel too). Things seem to be pointing that way at least.

So once we do manage to travel to the distant past as we intended, to the big Vampire Purge Era (because Raziel wants to talk with this ancient vampire who supposedly knows about the Soul Reaver Sword, and is the only person who might tell me the whole truth), Soul Reaver 2 takes advantage of me and impales me through the heart:

I'll elaborate. On the next post. Where things will get very real again.

See you until then.

[bnhascribbles]

Love at First Sight

Shinso x Reader

Coffee Shop AU, Fluff, First Meetings; For the lovely kazooli‘s competition.  It’s based on their “Love at First Sight” scenario!  Now, I may be a dumb-dumb and be late, but either way, I’m posting this because WHY NOT. 

Words: 1.5K

Warnings: None

Shinso isn’t an idealistic sort of person.  He knows he doesn’t love you–won’t entertain the thought–even when time seems to stop the second you walk through that door.  “Love” wasn’t something that just happened.  Not in a minute, not at a glance, and certainly not with a complete stranger.

Even so, he’s utterly fascinated by you, unable to pry his eyes away as you settle into a booth in the corner.

It hadn’t been your smile that’d done it, soft and just-barely-there as you stretched the edge of your hoodie over the bottom of your face, like the gesture was a secret meant for you alone.  It hadn’t been the way you’d clumsily tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and exposed silver studs, twisted in the wrong direction, but unmistakably cat-shaped.  It hadn’t even been the way the steady thrum of your fingers against the countertop had matched the pace of his heart exactly–the fact that when they stalled, he could feel his breathing halting, getting caught in his chest, waiting for the moment those nails would resume their concert upon the wood.

No, it’d been more than all of that.  It was just...you.  The things he could see along with something else that lingered just beneath his skin.  Something silent, but present nonetheless.  Something he couldn’t possibly put into words–couldn’t understand–but could experience.  Like gravity.  He can’t even begin to explain the reasons why it existed, how it worked the way it did.  Still, it’s tug was undeniable.

Even though Shinso knows better, some part of him still wants to believe it’s possible–that there’s a single person in the world made for him, and they’re lounging about in the coffee shop he works at.

Work.  He’s supposed to be doing that.  Right.  

Shinso forces his eyes back down to his register screen, and for a while, he manages to ignore you.  He wipes at a wet spot on the granite and pretends you aren’t just a couple feet away, convinces himself that you’ve wandered out or disappeared into thin air or, maybe, you hadn’t even been there to begin with.  Maybe he’d imagined you.  That possibility makes it much easier for him to focus.  It works right up to the moment you walk over to his counter. When that happens, he glances up for just a second and knows all hope is lost.  

“Hey.”  This is the very first time Shinso has ever heard your voice.  Still, he’s certain he’d be able to pick it out in a crowd if given the opportunity.  No other sound has ever made his skin buzz like this before.

But the fact doesn’t change: It’s still not love that he feels.  Attraction maybe, but definitely not love.

“Hey.”  Shinso chimes back, thinking for much longer than he should about how to phrase that one word.  Despite his best efforts, it sounds wrong to him.  Not smooth like yours had been.  It’s too blunt (even though it was only a one-word response).  Too nervous (not that he had any reason to be nervous).  Too–

“This is where I order right?”

He’d spaced out.  Dammit.  That wasn’t something he usually did.

“Yeah, it is.”  He’s still doing it–overthinking everything.  Shinso inhales deeply, channeling hours of customer service training videos, willing himself to forget about everything that isn’t the espresso machine or service with a smile.  “What can I get you?”

“Hm.”  You place your palms flat on the counter, leaning in to get a better look at the menu board.  Your eyes flit between the messy scrawl there and the register.  “Tell me: What does the master recommend?”

A lesser man might have choked.  Shinso just stops breathing.

“...Or is that title on your apron just for show?”

The title.  The title, for god’s sake.  Gaudy golden letters embroidered just below the pocket of his apron, proudly proclaiming “COFFEE MASTER” like it wasn’t something every employee had to wear as part of their uniform.  He makes a mental note to smother the lettering in coffee grounds the very next opportunity he’s granted.

“You can’t go wrong with a latte.”

Your lips purse and your gaze narrows playfully.  “Mm, not the most adventurous choice, is it,” your eyes drift down to his name tag,  “Shinso Hitoshi?”

Shinso usually hated when people did that–deliberately sought out and used his name while he was working–but, not surprisingly, you seem to be an exception.  He swears it sounds like you’re singing when you do it.

“Classic is classic.  ‘Adventurous’ is great until you end up with something undrinkable.”

“Oh come on.  Undrinkable?  Sure you’re not just being a coffee snob?”

Shinso raises an eyebrow.  This whole situation might have been new to him, but coffee was something he knew.  “Ever had a raw, deconstructed espresso?”

“Nope, but it sure sounds interesting.”

He scoffs.  “I thought so too at first. But trust me, chewing on espresso beans at 6 AM isn’t as fun as it sounds.”

You snort, covering your mouth to muffle some of the giggles.  When you recover enough to speak again, you do it through your fingers.  “You got your caffeine fix and a snack.  Sounds like a good time to me.”

“Yeah?”  Shinso smiles, draping an arm over the screen of his register.  “Well if that’s what you want, I’ve got some really tasty beans in the back.  I can whip one up for you real quick.  Takes less than 10 seconds to make, and let me tell you, the crunch is something else.”

 You hum for a moment, tapping your finger against the countertop.  “As enticing as your offer sounds, I think I’ve already figured out what I want.”  You don’t say anything as you reach into your bag and pull out your wallet, even though the sly look plastered across your face makes him think you have a lot of things to say.

“I’ll take a latte.”

Shinso raises an eyebrow, trying to seem incredulous, but smiling still.  “What, don’t feel like being ‘adventurous’ anymore?”

Your jaw hangs to the side, but the subtle twist of your lips betrays the playfulness behind the gesture.  As it turns out, both of you are terrible fakers.

“Oh hush.  I may not work here, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to sass the customers.”

It was true, of course.  Still, if it means getting another snarky response from you, seeing those bright eyes light up with every quip, he’s more than willing to break a few rules.

Shinso grabs a cup and scribbles the order number across it with a sharpie.  “Of course, because the customer is always right.”  He makes sure his words are dripping with sarcasm.

“Absolutely.  Glad you’re not too prideful to admit it”  You tease right back at him, and the confidence in the way you tilt your chin upward and beam (adorable) has him chuckling.

“Wanna tell me your name, oh valued customer?  Or am I just drawing a smiley face on the cup?”  

Shinso could have very well poured your coffee, handed you the cup, and been done with it.  He didn’t need a name to do his job, not when you were already standing right there and it was a slow day like this.  He wanted it though, wanted to hear the way you said it, watch the way your lips twisted as it formed each syllable.  More than that, he wanted to say it himself–to see if repeating it back to you would break his trance, cool the heat searing his insides.

Something mischievous flickers in your eyes.  You make a show of scratching at your chin, smirking like you hold all the power in the world at that one moment.  And you do, as far as he’s concerned.  

“I kinda wanna see you draw a smiley face on it,” you pause, shifting your weight between both feet,  “Or a heart.  Whatever scribbles you feel compelled to leave for me.”

He stands there for what feels like hours, considering his next move.  You’d been flirting with him–that wasn’t even an opinion, it was cold-hard fact.  The question was, how was he supposed to respond without making a complete fool of himself?  He could barely think, what with the buzzing in his ears, the tightness in his chest–

“How about my phone number?”  Shinso doesn’t remember thinking the words, only the feeling of them sprinting up his throat–quick and jumbled and abrupt.

You stare up at him as if to see if the question isn’t some joke–another piece of banter thrown around for the sake of earning a laugh.  Your gaze falls to Shinso’s fingers, trembling as they clutch the sharpie in his fist, and your expression suddenly softens.

“I think I’d like that.”  You inhale.  “A lot, actually.”

“Awesome.”  He mutters, almost unconsciously.  The nervousness bundled into that one word is enough to make him wish he could sink into the floor.  Still, he doesn’t do that.  Partly because it isn’t possible, and partly because he still has something he needs from you.  “Afraid I still need your name though.”  Before he can blink, your smirk is back, as playful as ever.  

“Need?  Or want?”

“Want.”  There’s no hesitation in the word, breathed out like the prayer of a dying man–one with nothing left to lose and everything to gain.

You snicker when you finally say it, and he knows he’s been right all along–that it doesn’t take a minute to fall in love.

It takes five.

[theotherboywhonevergrewup]

My Top Songs of 2019

It’s that time of the year again when I take a look back at all the great music that was released throughout the year and choose my top 10.  Quick disclaimer as usual: These are not what I think are the best songs of the year.  They’re not even my favorite songs of the year.  They’re simply the top 10 songs that have defined my year.  (See the end if you’re interested in the rules of the selection of this top 10; also, most of this was written in 2019 but some was written in 2020).

10. “Think About Us” - Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign

“When you're dancin' in the club And the nights are getting hard Do you think about us?”

Everyone knows that I have a weakness for girl groups.  UK’s Little Mix isn’t exactly my favorite, but admire how strongly they’ve stuck together as a group.  Their chemistry is undeniable, both as people and as vocalists.  To me, “Think About Us” was the standout track from last year’s LM5, and the addition of Ty Dolla $ign was the little shove it needed to be great.  The girls shine with their vocal prowess both on their solos and together on the chorus, and Ty$’s verse splits the track nicely.  The accompanying video is mesmerizing.  Each of the girls look absolutely stunning, and they have individual sets representing the different parts of a relationship, with Perrie as the butterflies-in-my-stomach beginning and Jade as the icy, cold end.  The lyrics are quite vague, but I think that’s the intention.  It’s applicable to any stage of a relationship; it could be a love song or a break-up song.  With it’s fun beat, it’s hard to pick if you want to dance to it, belt it out, or try to do both, but it’s definitely been an infectious part of 2019!

9. “Lonely for You” - Armin van Buuren featuring Bonnie McKee

“No, you're never gonna see me cry I already got a brand new life Don't you know I'm moving on And everyday I'm stronger? I don't even know you're gone”

The Netherlands’ Armin van Buuren has a recipe to get trance music to pull at your heart, and one piece that makes this apparent is “Lonely for You.”  With the assist from US’s pop hit writer Bonnie McKee, this track is different yet familiar, a haunting disconnect to match the mixed feelings of the lyrics.  From light synths to disco-esque drums to pure piano, Van Buuren’s track pushes and pulls the same way the tumultuous narrator’s lyrics go back and forth, with McKee’s vocals surfing on the top.  The music video has a couple choreography emphasizing the push-and-pull theme, and McKee looks fantastic as usual.  Van Buuren’s Balance is full of more emotionally-rich tracks for both happy and sad times, many of which utilize beautiful piano to highlight amazing vocals.  “Lonely for You” is an altogether addictive track that was perfect for all the lonely nights of 2019.

8. “Antidote” - Mr Hudson

“You of all people After all we've been through Started out an angel And now you get away with murder”

As a huge fan of the UK’s Mr Hudson, I waited basically a decade for his sophomore album, and it did not disappoint.  While When the Machine Stops features several tearjerking songs, “Antidote” is on the next level.  The song takes the subject of betrayal and perfectly captures how trust can die.  The genius is in its simplicity.  Not a single instrument starts until the entire first verse is complete, letting the lyrics speak for themselves.  Even when the instruments do come in, it’s just soft percussion and synths.  As much as I love vocal runs and ad-libs galore, the straightforward melody had me humming this song for much of 2019.

7. “Me & You” - EXID

“Oh 야야야 더 이상 우리라는 말 하지 마마마 안 봐도 뻔하잖아 야임 마마마 지금 날 어디서 속이려 들어 그건 네 엄마마마 한테나 가서해 baby I don't care”

As I mentioned in last year’s post, 2018 was the year I fell in love with K-Pop, mostly due to Blackpink at the time.  As much as I love Blackpink (and got to see them live this year!), their limited discography didn’t leave much to be loved.  Enter EXID.  This group is stacked: arguably South Korea’s best female rapper in the game LE, one of the best vocalists Solji, and the girl who is absolutely beautiful, sexy, cute, and smart all at the same time Hani (who may or may not be my ultimate bias, sorry Rosé).  Their previous single “I Love You” missed my 2018 list because it was released so late in the year, but it turned out to be my most played song on Spotify this year.  In fact, several of their songs were on that list.  Like many of their previous singles, “Me & You” is an infectious dance track utilizing each member where they excel: Hani with her soft, sultry vocals, a splash of LE’s sick flows to split up the song, Hyelin’s powerhouse vocals to bring up the first chorus, Solji’s even more powerful vocals to take the song to its climax, and Jeonghwa on the dance break (low key kinda sounds like she’s singing “Baby Shark” but that’s a jam too I guess).  The duality of the track is what makes it stand out, with the pretty vocals and simple verses largely contrasting from the deep and dirtier synths of the dance break.  The video plays with this duality by featuring EXID as brides in white versus clubbing in neon.  The rest of the WE mini album isn’t quite as dance-y but is fun to vibe to nonetheless.  The group unfortunately may be over, since Hani and Jeonghwa are leaving their record label, but they’re at least sticking together for their activities in Japan for now.  So many more K-Pop hits were released this year, some of my favorites being Mamamoo’s “Gogobebe,” SEVENTEEN’s “HIT,” Super Junior D&E’s “Danger,” Park Bom’s “Spring,” KARD’s “Dumb Litty,” NCT 127′s “Highway to Heaven”, NCT Dream’s “Boom”, Ong Seongwu’s “Heart Sign,” and another release to be mentioned later on this list.

6. “Heartbreak” - Hunter Hayes

“Another, ‘Almost perfect’ Didn't work, but totally worth it Better to have loved and lost my mind Than lose the nerve to even try”

I remember watching the 2013 Grammy’s and watching Hunter Hayes lose all three of his nominations, at that point becoming the “Leonardo DiCaprio never wins an Oscar” meme to me and my friends.  He went on to lose two more nominations, but honestly, I always liked his music (and Grammy nominations are no small feat in the first place!).  While 2017 was technically the year I had my first date and 2018 was the year I had my first girlfriend, 2019 was the year that I really put myself out there and dated the most.  And yes, there was a lot of awkwardness and stupidity and mostly me messing up, but that’s just a part of life.  And “Heartbreak” perfectly captures all those feelings.  From the guitar to the bit of twang to the drums, this song is unabashedly fun country, and the optimistic lyrics always made me feel better.  It’s like a c’est la vie Rascal Flatts’ “Bless the Broken Road” before he found the girl. The accompanying video is also fun with a groundhog day theme as he tries to win over a girl.  The album as a whole is a fun listen, with “Dear God” being the other Wild Blue (Part I) standout to me.  Here’s hoping Part II comes out with some vibes in 2020!

5. “Tempo” - Lizzo featuring Missy Elliott

“He look like he could gain a little weight Lick the icing off, put the rest in your face”

Lizzo exploded this year, and I’m not mad about it.  She has confidence and charisma galore, and her resulting music is mad bouncy, earning her several Grammy nominations for next year, including Best New Artist.  Her songs like most of Cuz I Love You can be quite loud and in-your-face, which is fine, just not exactly my style.  However, get her on this more subdued R&B beat and throw in a Missy Elliott feature, I’m in.  This will make any upbeat R&B lover dance, and the music video is the kind of hot and fun you would expect (with a cowboy hat you may not expect).  Missy also made an imprint this year with Iconology which is her first group release since 2005′s The Cookbook.  I’ve always been a fan of her work, and this is a perfect feature for her.

4. “NONE of this has been about you” - Spencer Sutherland

“I'm afraid that you would hate me if you knew, That I've become insensitive, It's true, But even if you do”

Spencer Sutherland’s “NONE of this has been about you” off his debut EP of the same name has a lot of elements about it that I would personally want in a song of my own.  It starts off with a very simple piano and vocals with a tinge of soul.  As he continues to sing, he puts more soul and emotion into his voice, and splashes of harmonies start to come in.  A couple short riffs later and just a second before the drop.  Although, it’s not a dance drop.  A choir drops in for the chorus with some drums to announce that, in fact, none of this has been about you.  The song eventually escalates to Sutherland’s soaring ad-libs over the choir.  Beyond the musical stylings, I enjoy the message of this song.  Sure, the narrator is telling someone, possibly his lover, that his struggles are personal and not something she or he should worry about, but I also like to take it as a reminder not to always worry about others or what they are thinking.  For example, 2019 was the first full year I had an ex, and a lot of that time, I was worried about posting on social media because maybe she’ll think this or that is about her.  Honestly, I don’t recall ever “subtweeting” about her.  We’re good.  Any breakup song or black and white photo I post has nothing to do with her.  So this song is a nice reminder to keep it pushing and stay in your own lanes.  The remaining songs on Sutherland’s EP were all also on repeat throughout the year.  The man’s just got a solid voice, and I’m glad he’s continuing a soulful pop sound that is rarer than before.

3. “Beautiful goodbye” - Chen

“다시 시간을 되돌려 처음 만난다면 가로등 옆에 서 있지 말아요 미소 짓지도 왼손으로 머릴 넘기지 마요 그래야 내가 그대를 지나칠 테니까”

Now, when it comes to a piano and vocals, nothing dominated my year more than Chen, especially his debut solo single “Beautiful goodbye.”  I won’t repeat all the reasons why I love his voice so much (see last year’s post), but long story short, he’s my favorite male vocalist right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I love EXO and the energy they bring to their songs, but a full EP of just Chen really lets the listener feel his artistry, pulling on heartstrings every which way.  In this song, the narrator is recognizing that his relationship is dead but proposing that they can hold onto it just for a bit longer until they peacefully part in spring.  There’s a respect to their relationship and what it has done for them that they can take with them as separate people before they part ways.  Chen’s voice takes the listener on an adventure, starting soft and simple then escalating and crescendoing to unveil the hardened pain in his voice.  It’s not a sudden angry breakup, it’s more subtle and more somber.  In the end, his soft vibrato and the final notes of the piano leave the listener in just as an uncertain position as the narrator; is it better to hope it stays winter forever or hope for spring to come?  While I also wanted some upbeat songs from Chen, his April, and a flower EP followed by Dear my dear is chockfull of beautiful and emotional ballads.

2. “Never-ending Summer” - Cyn

“What if we don't ever have to say goodbye? I wanna keep living like we'll never die If you're mad then I'm mad too You're crying, I'm sad too I'll watch your back for you, watch mine”

Newcomer Cyn’s “Never-ending Summer” is, to me, an experience.  It took me a while to appreciate its simplicity, but then it became so addictive that it itself became never-ending.  The guitar or synth (or whatever that instrument is) plays on loop to emphasize the never-ending nature of the song and gives a dreamy vibe that’s somehow both modern and reminiscent of the 70s.  Cyn’s simple vocals evoke a carefree feeling reminiscent of running on the beach and all the accompanying imagery with her photoshoot and lyric video.  It makes sense that Cyn is part of Katy Perry’s record label Unsub Records, as this song feels somewhat like Perry’s hits off of Teenage Dream including “California Gurls” and the title track, albeit much more in Cyn’s own understated style.  This summer, I learned how to surf and have fallen deeper in love with the beach (even though a stingray stung me my last time there), and this song would keep the surfing mentality continuing throughout the year, even when it gets too cold for it to be summer (or, even if my foot is bleeding to death).  Doesn’t hurt that Cyn is unbelievably cute too.

1. “Lovebird” - Far East Movement featuring Lay

“I can sleep here alone, but you know it's better with you You could be by yourself, but you know it's better with two”

As I grow as a person and become more proud of who I am, I think it makes sense for me to become more proud of my Asian heritage as well as support Asians and Asian-Americans out there, especially in the music industry as music means a great deal to me.  That said, it’s important to me that I don’t support people just because they’re Asian as if it’s some kind of nepotism.  That kind of segregating mentality can also be unhealthy.  Far East Movement are technically a one hit wonder; they have yet to outdo their 2010 hit “Like a G6.”  However, this year I found out about their record label Transparent Music that has been around since 2016 with a goal of unifying eastern and western music.  Their previous album aptly named Identity features a ton of artists from both sides of the word, from Hyolyn and Loco to Macy Gray and Soulja Boy (shoutout to my favorite song on that album, “Freal Luv” featuring Tinashe and yet another EXO member, Chanyeol).  To me, music is about unification.  It is about bringing a deeper understanding through melody and rhythm.  Those are the simplest terms I can put it.  I hope this is evident through this list that I appreciate people and music from all kinds of backgrounds.  Even if my tastes lean one way or another from year to year, I hope my lists maintain diversity and well-roundedness.  Somehow, Far East Movement has managed to capture this sense of unification in “Lovebird,” featuring Chen’s EXO bandmate from China, Lay.  It’s not the most complex song; in fact, like many songs on this list, it’s quite simple.  The synth bends in a carefree way that celebrates togetherness along with the lyrics, and I find that beautiful.  2019 was a year of growth and life, and “Lovebird” was the perfect song to accompany it.

*To qualify for this list, the song must have been released this year.  An artist can only have one song on this list, excluding features.

[ijustreallylovezebras]

The Wrong Side

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: When she’s on the wrong side

Requested: Yeah!

“You’re pretty young to be on the wrong side of the law,” a voice sounded out form behind the girl. She whipped around, instinctively forming an energy ball between her hands.

“You don’t know shit about me,” she says at the red and blue hero in front of her. Her words come out as a snarl and Spider-Man lets out an easy laugh.

“I guess we’re even then,” he says. Y/N lets out a hollow laugh before shooting the energy ball his way and making a break for it out of the alleyway before Spider-Man can cotton on to what just happened. “That was rude!” He calls breathlessly as he shoots webs in a desperate attempt to follow her.

But the girl has disappeared, seemingly into thin air. Peter frowns at that, not liking it that an obviously dangerous villain was walking the streets and he hadn’t been able to stop her.

“Karen? Can you alert Mr Stark that there’s an enhanced individual at large in Queens?” He asks.

“Certainly Peter,”

Mr Stark had been asking Peter to text him more seriously when there was an actual matter at hand, rather than his usual texts that consisted of stringing popular memes and vines together into a sentence that took Tony hours to decipher.

Which was why Peter was not surprised that almost immediately Karen informed him of an incoming call.

“Kid? What’s happened?” Tony asks immediately.

“There was this girl,” he says and Tony lets out an impatient sigh.

“I don’t have time to listen about your crushes, kid,” he says.

“No, no, no, wait Mr Stark!” Peter insists. “It’s not like that!”

“Then what’s it like?” Tony asks, frustrated.

“She’s... enhanced. Like Miss Maximoff, she was robbing the bank a few streets away from where I live,” he tells his mentor, who looks more interested now that he realises that Peter is not talking about his love life.

“Did you see what she looked like?” Tony asks.

“Kinda, she was wearing a black hoodie that covered her face so not so much,” Peter admits. “Sorry, Mr Stark,”

“Don’t worry, kid, we’ll keep an eye out for her. Thanks for bringing it to my attention,”

There was a click, indicating the end of the call and Peter let out a sigh, still feeling bothered by the clearly dangerous girl being on the lose, and yet there was a niggling feeling at the back of his mind that maybe she wasn’t dangerous so much as misled. He knew that something bad was likely to happen to her should Mr Stark find her before he did.

“You know that’s definitely illegal, right?” the girl turned around and Peter could see her roll her eyes through the slits in her mask. “Nice suit,” Peter comments, grinning despite knowing that she couldn’t see him.

“Whatever, Spiderling,” the girl snaps, already forming an energy ball between her hands. Peter is quick to send a web her way, forcing one of her hands to secure against the building behind her.

“That really hurt,” Peter mocks, rather enjoying himself is he was being honest. “But you know you don’t have to do this,”

“Do what?” the girl asks and Peter can feel how murderous her glare is.

“Any of this, the illegal shit, living on the run, whatever it is that you do,”

“You’re a kids super-hero, you’re not meant to swear,” the girl says and Peter notices the green wisps climbing up her arm, slowly melting through the web that was keeping her in the same place. “And, as you said last time, we know nothing about each other so don’t lecture me on how to live my fucking life,” she hisses and Peter laughs bitterly, shaking his head.

“Crime isn’t the way to go, you can’t be much older than me,” 

“Sometimes you don’t have a choice in the matter,” she’s quick to bite back with, just as the last of the web melts away and she pushes her hands forwards, towards him and Peter is knocked back by the force of her energy ball.

“There’s always a choice between right and wrong!” Peter shouts, shooting a web, desperately trying to stop the girl from moving.

“And sometimes you don’t get to make the choice yourself,”

She was called the Black Shadow. Months had past and it had become common knowledge to the people of Queens that Spider-Man and the Black Shadow were pretty much arch-enemies. 

Peter had made it his mission to catch her and for once, it wasn’t to impress Mr Stark and the Avengers. 

He felt bad for the girl.

Peter could tell that she felt as though she had been backed into a corner, in every interaction that the two of them had had, she had let another little thing slip, and he was beginning to piece them all together, beginning to understand her.

But he wasn’t the only one on her trail, since the Black Shadow had been becoming more and more of a threat to the people of New York, the Avengers had started getting involved.

Whenever Peter found a lead on her, Mr Stark was constantly on his back to get him to share, insisting that he wanted to help him take her down, as if that was all this was about.

But it wasn’t just about taking the Black Shadow down anymore, it was about helping her.

Somehow or another, throughout his time fighting the girl, because that truly was all that she was, Peter realised that he wanted to help her more than anything in the world. And he couldn’t tell the Avenger’s that, he’d be a laughing stock.

And that was why he found himself to be utterly devastated when he got the call from Mr Stark.

“Kid? We’ve got her,”

“Where are you sending her?” Peter asks, his knee is bouncing nervously as he sits in the back of the car with Mr Stark, Happy driving them towards the Avenger’s compound.

“Wherever will take her,”

“And if nowhere will?” Because he knows that it’s a possibility and a high one at that, given the Black Shadow’s recent intense criminal record.

Mr Stark doesn’t answer.

Peter’s fingers start to drum on the car door.

“So you’re Spider-Man,” she sounds different to how he remembers her, tireder, more hopeless.

But maybe that’s just because this time he can actually see her.

Her hair is messy and unwashed, dark circles under her eyes, her skin pale and her wrists are stick thin. Worst of all, she had a collar around her neck, one he had been told was to ensure that her powers would be unusable. Peter had asked Wanda about it before he had come in, knowing that she had had similar treatment and she had admitted that it was horrific.

But she was undeniably pretty.

Peter wasn’t good around pretty girls.

“That’s me,” his voice is quiet and shy and he hates himself for it. Her eyes narrow slightly and for a brief second he sees the Black Shadow in the girl before him.

“You’re different than I expected,”

“You’re chattier than I remember,” he bites back before his brain has time to process the words and the girl laughs.

“I didn’t know you had called the Avengers on me,” she says and then she scoffs, shaking her head. “What am I on about, of course you did,”

“What do you mean?” Peter asks, finding himself confused by the words. Maybe she wouldn’t be so hard to understand if he didn’t keep getting caught up staring at her features.

“I thought you were different,” she tells him honestly. “I know you let me get away,” Peter wishes he could deny her words, but they’re true and his mouth his dry and he can’t muster up any words at all. “But you’re like the rest of them,”

“What do you mean by that?” Peter implores, finally finding his tongue again.

“You don’t even think about why we do the things we do, do you?” She asks, letting out a mean, sharp laugh, “No one wants to have to live like this,” the silence that follows her words stretches out in between them and it seems infinite.

“There sending you away,”

“I know,”

“Do you know where?”

“No,” the silence falls between them again and it hits Peter all at once that he doesn’t want that to happen to the girl in front of her.

“They don’t have to,” he blurts out. She raises a single eyebrow. “You could join us - the team! Be on our side rather than...” Peter trails off, seeing the look on her face.

“Rather than the wrong side?” She fills in. Peter swallows, fearing that he already knew her answer. “To me, Spiderling, your side is the wrong side.” Peter clenches his jaw and nods.

“C’mon Black Shadow, time’s up, off you go!” Mr Stark announces, coming in and forces the girl up. She doesn’t say another word.

“Wait!” He calls, just before they exit the room. As for his next action, he’s not sure why he does it, what he expects to gain, but for some reason it feels important. “I-I’m Peter.” 

And it’s worth it, to see the small smile grow on her face at hearing his words. Her eyes seem to soften and she just seems so human.

“Y/N,”

PETER PARKER TAGS

@slythxr

MARVEL TAGS

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PERMANENT TAGS

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[lethesomething]

Utapri boys as DnD characters

Because sometimes you gotta combine obsessions into an AU, yaknow.

Otoya, the Rogue. This guy has a classic 'street urchin with a heart of gold' type backstory. Grew up in rough circumstances and learned to be quick on his feet, and quicker with his fingers, to survive. Incredibly bubbly and friendly, in an almost naive way, despite his experiences. Specializes in relieving the rich of their coin, and giving it to the poor, which sometimes means himself, but not always. Definitely has a weak spot for helping the downtrodden.

  Masato, the Ranger: The scion of a very strict clan of holy warriors up in the mountains, Masato has undertaken a journey to see the world and prove himself, before he heads back to become chief. He is almost laughably serious in anything he does, despite hiding what appears to be a soft side, and definitely a large number of repressed feelings. Wears elegant hide armor and wields a beautiful carved bow, inherited from his mother. He has a surprisingly delicate touch when it comes to crafts, be it making arrows or sewing clothes.

  Natsuki: Multiclass Druid-Barbarian (no, listen). Natsuki is the meekest of gentle giants, the soft protector of the Grove, whose favourite spell is Speak with Animals. His Herbalism mastery means he makes very effective potions, but somehow they always taste like utter crap. It doesn't help that he keeps trying to 'improve' the flavor. No one really knows how he got two levels in Barbarian and why, and he certainly doesn't talk about it. This part of him only seems to come out when he or his loved ones are attacked.  

Tokiya, the Wizard. Nothing delights this book lover more than tomes of ancient knowledge. He can usually be found studying in some forgotten library, with nothing but his cat familiar to keep him company. It is advised to not bother him when he's doing this. Specialises mostly in Divination and Enchantment. He's been chipping away at his craft since a very young age, and you could say he was a child prodigy, much to the chagrin of his parents, who had hoped for a more religious career. A bit aloof, and not exactly happy about being stuck on a quest with *these weirdos*.

  Ren, the Bard. (Obviously) This dude is a natural at shmoozing people to gather information, and he's definitely the type to try seducing his way out of a dragon encounter. Ren is incredibly perceptive, seeing through most people while putting on plenty of masks himself, which aids him greatly in this class. His instrument of choice, particularly for performing counterspells and Vicious Mockery, is the shawm. Part of him is definitely doing all of this, just to piss off his family of lower nobles.

  Syo, the Monk. Drifted into Natsuki's Grove some years back and kinda stuck around as a weird soft of bodyguard/companion. His lithe, small frame doesn't make it seem like he's be good at hand-to-hand combat, but that's before you notice just how friggin fast this guy is. He's pretty much impossible to hit. His craft is leatherwork, and he has a whole array of colorful  and aesthetic wrappings and boots and hats to suit his moods.

  Cecil, the Paladin: Cecil is an actual prince from a far-flung, starting out on a quest to find himself a princess. In doing this, he does not seem burdened by much wordly knowledge or even common sense in some cases. The fact that he didn't get robbed at the first stop is probably due to his protection from his god. Not the most diplomatic, but certainly the most earnest of warriors, he wears gleaming fullplate armor, fights with a rapier and has an honest to god white horse.

 Reiji, the Cleric. One of the calmest and most… sociable dudes in the party and therefore usually the peace keeper, despite his array of bad jokes and an overly flirtatious nature. He's surprisingly unreligious, for, ya know, a cleric. He just has a chill relationship with his trickster god, who he 'sacrifices' lunch to. A serviceable cook, raised by a single mom, who's just trying to make the world a little better, and have some fun in the meantime.

  Ranmaru, the Fighter: Ran is, predictably, the more gritty of the troupe. He carries a two-handed sword and wears scuffed halfplate, a reminder to the battle that saw his family lose their lands. He's been trying to get them back ever since, gaining allies and fighting for coin with a single-minded determination that can, at times, be a little scary. It's hard to gain his trust, but once you do, he'll lighten up. If only a little.

  Ai, the Sorcerer: Ai surrounds himself in mystery, but it's undeniable that he can bank on some innate, buit in talent that makes him a formidable magic user. This is the type of perceptive guy who can learn to perform a spell, just by watching someone else use it. A very studious person, Ai does look at the world with an oddly detached, almost clinical eye. He serves as the unofficial chronicler of the group, writing down everything that happens in an ever -expanding journal.

  Camus, the Warlock. A noble from one of the northern kingdoms. This guys has a bit of a dark side that not a lot of people know about. He is, on the surface, a very friendly and charismatic man, almost submissive in his mannerisms. His friends or party members, however, know him to be occasionally cold and aloof. He serves someone called the Queen, but it's not clear who the hell that's supposed to be. He, too, has a familiar, an oddly elegant stark white hell hound named Alexander.

Personalities based mostly on the mobile game

Yes, I'm aware of the rules and several of these are bad builds, don't @ me.

[icharchivist]

What do you think would be Lavi's reaction to Allen's distrust despite also wanting to believe him? It would definitely be quite a reversal from the usual bookman pick up and go and leave people behind stchick he's been trained for. Now he'd be called out for being 'friendly like always' as his usual mask motto went and he'd have to justify faking for other people and even Allen and the others in the beginning. He might have to really open up about why/how he changed from that in order to -

2 appease a much more fragile Allen then he's used to dealing with. It could be better or worse depending on if Kanda's there (I could see Kanda either being more neutral. But once he's alone w/Lavi he might threaten him to be legit and not cause physical/emotional harm to Allen or else. But Kanda might be nicer about it to Lavi then had been to Link) That's also a new thing Lavi would deal with. A Kanda who prioritizes Allen. Boy did he miss a lot. Poor Johnny's going to be busy chaperoning).

Ooooh that would be a complete reversal! 

Honestly i think if Allen and Lavi are alone during that arc things could turn pretty bad pretty quickly. I could see Kanda have a no-nonesense policy extending to Lavi and shaking him up about how he has been behaving, especially on Allen’s sake. Same, could see him be “nicer”, but like, Kanda’s brand of nice. I think he would be more willing to conceed to Lavi’s situation than he was with Link (since he still acts for Lveille in his particular goal you know?”). But I also can see Kanda lose his temper really quickly with the Bookman’s bullshit and totally connect why Lavi is completely unsufferable in general.  But yeah i’m with you there, Kanda would 100% prioritizes Allen. Especially if, as we discussed, the Bookmen started to take decisions that would endanger Allen’s sense of self. With Kanda learning more about Allen’s past lately, he could also work to anchor Allen  more - as a reminder of “remember what was your actual childhood, not whatever bullshit they’re putting you through” (a call back to Allen snapping him out of the Alma’s memories if you will).

Johnny would get a lot of work though yeah if he’s here. I think he will probably be the one to more clearly see through Lavi with his undeniable faith in people. that could help a lot balance a dynamic, and Allen’s own trust/distrust dynamic with both of those corners.

Anyway back to Lavi and Allen, I think Lavi would be kinda messed up to see Allen distrusts him this much. I mean the most distrust Allen had ever shown in front of Lavi was... Tyki and Road at the end of the Ark? Even with Cross Allen trusted him, for all the animosity there was during that scene.

So I doubt he could take it lightly to be put on the same level than say, Allen’s murderer. And it might push him to actually try to prove himself more toward Allen. And with Allen being more fragile and it being more of a danger for his own sense of self, I could see Lavi try at least to make Allen understand more of the details f what’s going on. Cue to finally a heart to heart about Lavi’s situation and his dynamic with being a bookman, for the first time with someone else than the gramps. And for all it is, I think Allen is the best person for him to open to. For the multiple reasons we know but also because this would be the perfect timing to do so to try to gain Allen’s trust back. But even if Lavi neglects that it is going to have an impact on the Bookmen Clan (after all he himself had been recently tortured and might want to reach for an ally/make sure Allen stay away from the Noah/look for comfort even against his Bookman’s better judgement) that could at least set reccord straight... and have an impact on how the Bookmen would react to it?

I don’t know this is where it starts to get fuzzy for me... so much things could go in so much direction it’s hard to tell welp

[dorkyungsoowrites]

Spontaneous Attraction Ch. 21

Pairings: Kyungsoo x You

Genre: Fluff/Angst/Smut | Ambiguous AU

Warnings: None

Word Count: 5.6k

Description: Kyungsoo surprises you.

A/N: The song I was thinking of when writing near the end of this chapter was this one if you're interested. It's a really beautiful piece, but you can imagine your own favorite if you wish.

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A concert hall when there's no concerts planned is rather surreal. The large theater-like auditorium was eerily quiet, and you only turned on a few of the backstage lights so you could see. It cast long shadows through the narrow hallways, each of your footsteps echoing. You went into a green room of sorts where there was an old sofa and a storage of chairs. The tall stacks took up half the room. Not normally one to get mad or jealous left you feeling overwhelmed. You didn't have much experience dealing with it so it continued to make you itchy and restless. You paced. How can one human live with being so vile? Her only good qualities seemed to be how cute she looked and her cooking. She was a liar, and unfaithful, and manipulative, and shallow, and so plastic Barbie would gawk. Her whole attitude soured your afternoon. Just thinking about her nasally, fake sing-song voice grated your nerves. You don't think you've ever hated someone as much as you did her. She encompassed every quality you despised in a person. It was almost impressive.

The anger still tangled. Driving had helped, but thinking about it brought it all back again with a new force. You jerked down one of the stacks in the room, a dozen or so metal and plastic chairs clattering to the ground in a cacophony of screeches and bangs that hurt your ears. You can't recall ever raising your hand to anyone like that before. How could Kyungsoo ever like a monster like that? How could he have been so blind to how horrible she was? How could he not feel the urge to puke every time she crossed his mind? How could he not do anything about it but say she wasn't worth his time? Were you any better for stooping down to her level by calling her names and almost slapping her? Your lungs constricted, heart galloping to gain speed. You collapsed on to the sofa, the springs protesting, and let your tears fall hot on your face.

How could he let her touch him like that? Speak like that? Who even says shit like that like you're not even there? You allowed yourself to think about why that hurt so much. The way he looked at her was familiar to how he looked at you sometimes. Your fists curled in on themselves. At some point he had fucked her. He fucked that villain of a woman. Those same sweet, plump lips had wandered her skin. She had heard his little breathless moans and sweet whispers. She had felt his dick inside her. Before you. He had touched her in ways you didn't know; free of apprehension and caution. Not chained by his trust issues or worries. Lingering, sweeping caresses filled with undeniable affection. Ways you could only dream about. She still had her claws in him. Your chest got tighter, unable to keep your breathing even. You were having trouble keeping your thoughts rational. Didn't you matter enough to him? Weren't you enough? Your heart was compressed painfully. You couldn't stop from wondering if he had ever thought about her with you. Was he watching for warning signs that you were similar? Did he actively avoid holding you in the same way he had with her? Would you never know what it was like to be truly, deeply loved by Kyungsoo? It made you sick to think you might share any qualities with that snake. Your stomach churned, and a pit swallowed your insides. Your gut was hollow. Like someone had reached in and licked them clean. Tears rolled down your cheeks. This was fifty times worse then when Chanyeol had sex with you drunk in high school. You felt violated somehow. You were empty. Alone. An uneasiness cocooned you in your own isolated corner of the universe sat there on that old sofa in a dark concert theater.

An electronic ringing startled you. It was your phone. Correction: it was Kyungsoo trying to call your phone. You tapped the red button. You needed time to cool down. The conclusion smacked in to you like a train. This is how Chanyeol felt watching Kyungsoo be with you. Knowing you were touching Kyungsoo like you used to hold him. This is how Kyungsoo felt when Chanyeol or the others got too close. Afraid another person would know what it was like to be loved by you and siphon it away from him. To a lesser degree you imagined, but the jealousy seeped through your veins and corroded your heart like acid. Just when he was putting more faith in you you go and act like some over-reactive lunatic. You were disappointed in yourself for lashing out immaturely. You should be better than this, but when he licked his lips as she leaned closer your brain flooded with the fear that he would kiss her. Your unwavering trust in him suddenly grew a grain of doubt. If you hadn't jumped in would he have kissed her? The majority of you wanted to believe he had enough sense not to hurt you the same way he had been hurt. He wasn't a hypocrite, but there was always that nagging voice in the back of your mind. It pointed out that for the first three months you were together he had no problem lying to you about his job. It was different, but also not. The way he got trapped in a trance with her around...you couldn't say he would never hurt you with complete certainty anymore. That fact is what you resented the most out of this situation.

After a couple of hours you drove back to your apartment. You had calmed down and cleaned up the chairs then strolled around the empty building trying to clear your head. Kyungsoo had called five more times before giving up. You weren't sure what you would say to him, but you knew you were drained and wanted to sleep. It was a long fucking day.

Only when you got to your front door Kyungsoo was sitting on the floor slumped against it. He was blocking the way. When you ran off your roommate should have been there. She was gone when you returned, but that would mean he specifically denied waiting inside so you couldn't avoid him. He had been sitting there for hours. A pang of guilt hit you. When you stepped closer he looked up and sighed in relief. He pushed himself to his feet. You noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, dark circles sitting underneath from where he hadn't caught up on his sleep.

"You should be resting," you couldn't help but say. "You look exhausted. Health comes first, Soo." He side-stepped to allow you to unlock the door and followed you inside. Once he re-locked the door he realized you were already halfway across the room. He hurridly threw off his shoes and ran after you, catching your shoulder before you could leave the living area. He didn't try to turn you around, voice small and afraid.

"Please don't leave." When you didn't move he continued. "You have every right to be upset with me. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't move. Please believe me." His voice cracked on the last words and you swallowed the sudden lump in your throat. His second hand rested on your other shoulder and stepped closer. You felt the heat radiating off his body. Kyungsoo dropped his forehead next to his left hand. His tone lowered to a whisper to hide his straining voice. "She means nothing to me. I can't lose you. I'm so sorry. I never...I swear--"

"It's not like I'm in the clear either," you replied solemnly. "I shouldn't have blown up like that. When she touched you and talked to you like that...I just got so jealous."

"No, no," Kyungsoo consoled instantly. His hands massaged slowly over your shoulders down your arms while he spoke. "I've never seen anyone stand up to her like that before. I couldn't believe it. It was amazing."

"Amazing?" you repeated gently. "I almost hit someone, Soo. I've never been that angry before. I hated it." He placed a lazy kiss to the side of your throat. Flashes of him kissing her came behind your eyelids. The same lips her fingers had grazed hours before. The same pair he parted for those fingers. You resisted recoiling from the touch. It didn't work. You didn't dare look back in fear of his reaction.

"You were defending me. Protecting me. I was in awe, jagiya." His fingers slipped to your waist. "That's all you've ever done, isn't it? You've given so much of yourself and your time to take care of me. You're far more generous than I deserve. I don't know what I'd be like if I never met you. I don't think I'd like that Kyungsoo. You've done so much for me. I owe you everything." His shoulders shook once, choking back a sob. Remorse covered his next words. It steadied the frantic swirling of emotions that had built up in your chest so you could sort them out. It meant you could help, and that's something you enjoyed. Helping others be happy. "I'm a terrible boyfriend. I should be stronger for you. I shouldn't have to rely on you for everything."

"You know, I kinda like taking care of you," you reminded him gently. "I really haven't done all that much. You're the one who's stayed strong. I like it when you can rely on me for a few things." His lips returned to your neck, mouthing against the sensitive skin. You tensed, but didn't flinch away that time.

"Stop. You're comforting me again and that's not the point."

"What do you want me to say? I don't understand why you're upset with yourself."

"Because it's you," he answered. It was like he was pleading with you. He needed you to understand. Acting like he was more worried of your reaction than the actual issue. Didn't he know you weren't going to yell or send him away? You blamed the snake for this. She had severely messed with his head. Kyungsoo should realize you were more empathetic and less petty than that. "It's you and you're wonderful and I just sat there. I can't even listen to myself. How am I supposed to expect you to not get too close with the other members if I can't even tell one woman to stop? I might as well have fucked her on the table." Something wet splattered on your skin. It trickled down and soaked in to the collar of your shirt. "I've tried for so long, but I'm never going to deserve you. Oh god, and now you're going to leave because I was an idiot." You whirled around to face him at that. Your arms embraced him. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, hands on your back.

"That was the stupidest thing I've heard you say. I'm not leaving, Kyungsoo," you told him in a low soothing voice. "Don't you ever think that." You weaved a hand through his short hair. His heat and firmness combined as he leaned against you and you felt his small puffs of air at your ear, sending goosebumps all over your skin. He touched every surface of your body he could in the position. You shoved down the image of him holding the other woman like this. He was trembling.

"I'm sorry," he repeated guiltily. "I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."

"Calm down, sweetheart," you cooed lovingly. More wetness hit your skin. You started lowering, legs tired and unwilling to move. He followed you to the ground, sitting on your haunches. Kyungsoo let himself collapse into you, limp in your arms. A sob cracked his voice, sniffling. You carded your fingers through his hair, other hand running up and down his back. "I'm right here, Kyungsoo. I'm not letting go."

"Why not?" he rasped defeatedly.

"Because I love you," you replied without thinking. Any other time he would have grinned and said it back. That time he only cried harder, air escaping him unevenly and being gasped back in in tiny hiccups.

"You should be furious. Why aren't you mad?"

"I am upset, but I can't change that right now. I know I need a few days to calm down. You do, too. You're exhausted."

"Not for you," he argued stubbornly. "Let me make it up to you. Let me take care of you."

"Kyungsoo--" your voice snagged in your throat as his lips met your neck. They pressed softly to your flesh, peppering affections up the line of your jaw. When they reached the joint by your ear they became more urgent, trailing back down.

"Let me make you feel good," he whispered hotly, the words spilling from him in a rush to speak in between kisses. "Let me make you cum in the way only I can." You bit your tongue to prevent any noise from escaping. The tip of his tongue darted out to taste your skin. You knew he must have caught his tears in the process. You jerked away and immediately regretted it. Your eyes met his. They were bloodshot and dewy. The dark circles underneath puffed out with his cheeks that were blotchy and red. A single new streak stained his face from the center of his right eye where a salty droplet had collected on his lower lashes, and something inside of his dark brown irises fractured. He was pouting. Bottom lip jutting out past the upper, and your chest ached. You spoke slowly, absorbed in his eyes. Torn between comforting Kyungsoo and protecting yourself.

"Don't...look at me like that." He sucked in his plump lower lip to nibble at in an attempt to hide the emotions oozing through in physical form. You thumbed at his cheek to wipe away the wetness there. His gaze danced around your features before drifting to your own lips longingly and darting up again like he was afraid of getting caught.

"Like what?" His speech was just as drawled out.

"Like I'm breaking your heart."

"Then let me feel you." It wasn't right. Both of your mindsets were all wrong. Without replying you rose to your feet. He remained stunned on the floor. You walked to the kitchen and poured a few sips of whiskey in a glass then returned to him. When you kneeled he swiped at his eyes and choked back a sob. It didn't work well. His small gasp was sharp and loud in the quietness of the apartment. You took up his hand and urged his fingers to grasp the cup. He threw the liquor back, glass thudding on the hardwood afterward. Another sharp, choking gasp. More tears fell. He was panicking, his whole body quaking as it became more difficult for him to breathe. He hunched over, legs falling out beside him, forearms on the floor, hiding his face in the space between. Calmly, you brought a big, fluffy blanket back to where he lay huddled in on himself. Panic attacks you knew how to handle. His wasn't full blown yet, but you saw the harsh breathing and scared look on his face. Everything had become too much for him to conceal behind his stoic features. It didn't surprise you that with his stressful job something like this could happen. He was mentally and physically drained from touring and running into his abusive ex that afternoon. He had pushed himself too hard. Put too many expectations on himself. On you. You weren't perfect, and you weren't going to instantly forgive every transgression of his towards you, but you weren't going to close him out either. You didn't always know what to do and say despite what he thought.

Draping the blanket over his small frame did nothing. He needed something to ground him to reality. You hugged his middle awkwardly from the side, resting your head on his back. The touch made him flinch at first, but when he realized your intention he curled up tighter. His shaking hands pulled the blanket around his face, his sharp gasps elongating, attempting to control his breathing.

"It's okay," you said quietly. "Just breathe. I'm here, Kyungsoo. Listen to me. Nothing bad is going to happen. Don't force yourself. It's okay to cry. I won't leave you. You're not alone through this. Just breathe." You huffed as his arms came around you suddenly, pulling you to your side. He hugged your waist, face hidden under your chin, fingers digging into your back, grappling to you like a life buoy. You embraced him while he sobbed and shook in your arms.

This was the only way he'd ever hold you.

Desperation.

Desperate to feel your contact, desperate to claim you, desperate to keep you. Was that what you had become? Not just a support, but the cure-all to his hurts? The bandage? The balm? You promised to help him trust again and be by his side. But...somewhere along the way did you cease to exist without his name following you? Y/N and Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo and Y/N. Kyungsoo brought his girlfriend today. Kyungsoo's girlfriend invited us all over for dinner. Kyungsoo gets anxious when you touch his girl. They're attached at the hip. Kyungsoo's moving in with her soon.

You had been steadily stripped down. You were his. Not just in heart; in name and soul. In your quest to make his heart more accepting you had isolated yourself. You had let his unhealthy habits creep up on you and take over. You were too soft. Gave in to his indulgences too readily. Kyungsoo made you weak. You couldn't resist him at all.

After near an hour passed Kyungsoo evened out his breathing, but didn't let up his hold. He let you raise his head to look at you. You wiped his face and nose with the blanket.

"There. Now will you come sleep?" He nodded silently. Kyungsoo leaned forward to kiss you, but you turned away. He frowned and croaked out,

"Why won't you let me touch you?" You blushed, ashamed by the answer, and tried to move. He pulled you down and held you still. "Why?" You shoved on his chest. It was hard to think with his big, round, sad eyes that close. You leaned on your elbow, staring at the floor.

"Because," you muttered bitterly. "What's the point?"

"What's the point?" he scoffed in disbelief. "Comfort? Relief? Pleasure? Love?"

"What love?" The words slipped before you could stop them. His eyes widened. You both sat up. More word vomit left your mouth without thinking. "You just fuck me because you're possessive. I'm sure little miss perfect chef got all your real love. You've never just touched me."

"What do you mean?" You sighed.

"It won't ever be enough, will it?"

"I don't understand, jagi. Of course I love you."

"I know you do, but how else do I know except from your word alone? What parts of you did she get that I'm not? How much more did you touch her and mean it? It feels like she got the real Kyungsoo and I'm only getting the pieces she left behind. She was so fucking amused I was picking up her leftovers. That sounds so selfish and stupid out loud, but how else am I supposed to think when the only times you fuck me are when you need me for something? Comfort or someone to claim as yours. Why can't I be enough for you as I am? Why do I have to wait for you to be hurting?" Your voice cracked on the last sentence. "I don't understand why you can't just love me with your whole heart. It hurts, Kyungsoo. It hurts knowing the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't trust you and return that feeling."

"You think I don't?" he exhaled pitifully. His eyebrows came together and rose up. Lost and pained. "Y/N. Jagiya..." He wiped his eyes clear of any lingering tears. "Is that why you were so upset?"

"Partially."

"I never--" He paused and started over, trying to find the right words. You continued staring at the floor. "We were only together once, and I didn't enjoy it. Not like I love being with you. You showed me how amazing it could feel to be with someone because you care about them. I was an awkward mess around her. It wasn't me. It's so easy for me to be myself with you." Your gaze lifted.

"Really?"

"Really really." The corner of your mouth ticked upward. Kyungsoo stroked your cheek, fingers tangling in your hair. "She didn't even care to get to know me, but you know me better than anyone. I promise I love you wholeheartedly. I do trust you. You have me; all of me. Not pieces or leftovers. She didn't know what the fuck she was talking about."

"Why don't you act like it?"

"Because I'm an idiot," he chuckled. You scoffed, but an amused smirk pulled on your lips. You really were weak around him. "Are you still mad?"

"A little." He frowned.

"Why?"

"I don't believe you."

"I don't understand."

"It doesn't feel like I know you. I'm constantly guessing. I've never been able to understand you."

"Oh...really?" He blinked at you innocently. "I've always thought it was amazing how intuitive you are." You huffed out a weak laugh.

"Then you must not know me either." Kyungsoo made a pensive expression then stood. You watched, unsure, as he bent down and held out his hands. After hesitating a moment you took them and he pulled you to your feet. You followed silently as he walked through your apartment to the living room. He tossed the blanket you gave him over the sofa. You tilted your head in questioning. He pushed the coffee table aside then took out his phone. He set it on the sofa and faced you, bowing at the waist as the music started. A waltz. The strings established the rhythm, plucking lightly. They were joined by a clarinet then a saxophone who began the melody. Kyungsoo outstretched a hand with a hopeful half smile.

"Dance with me?" You stood shocked. He closed the distance and wrapped his fingers around yours with one hand. They still trembled slightly. He guided the other to his shoulder before resting his on your waist. You gaped.

"Y-you dance? Like, ballroom?"

"I learned," he answered. Before you could say anything the rest of the orchestra came through the speaker on his phone, all joining the melody, and he pulled you in to step with him. It was more of a small shuffle in the tiny space, but it was dancing. You kept up after shaking off the shock, avoiding his feet. "I saw you dancing in the kitchen a few times when you thought I was in the bathroom," he explained. "So I asked your roommate and she said you liked old fairytale tropes more than you'd admit. Told me you always secretly dreamed of dancing spontaneously with your significant other. I've been listening to classical music and decided to watch a few videos on waltzing. I was going to surprise you when we moved in to our new apartment." It was hard to take in. Not only had Kyungsoo been studying the music you loved to play, but he learned to dance to some of that music. It was extremely touching. No one had ever tried to get in to classical music for your sake. They brushed it off as boring or didn't want to take the time. Playing music in an orchestral setting was the thing you loved doing more than anything else in the world, and he took the time to understand that. To immerse himself in it. He listened and took it to heart. He knew you better than you'd thought.

"Kyungsoo..." you breathed. He blushed under your stare, losing some of his nerve.

"Am I not turning enough? Did I pick a bad song?"

"I had no idea you were listening to this music for me."

"Of course. You listen to mine."

"But dancing too?" He chortled and shook his head in mock disappointment.

"Unbelievable. Your eyes are all sparkly like stars. How did I fall for such a dork?" The key changed in the song, more violins joining. You held his hand tighter. He smiled warmly, face inches from yours. And he had insisted in the past he wasn't one for grand romantic gestures. Liar. A smirk pulled on your lips.

"I seem to recall it was because you got shitfaced drunk and had to be taken care of like a lost puppy."

"Low blow."

"A cute, small puppy." He scowled, a playful glint in the twitch of his lips.

"You're gonna take that back." The strings did a flourish as the music crescendoed and changed back to the original key. Kyungsoo stepped quickly and spun you out from his body, still keeping hold of one hand. You were standing beside him. Then on the next count he tugged you to reverse the spin. You collided ungracefully with his chest. Kyungsoo held you close as you continued waltzing in your living room. He was grinning. You wavered a moment at the blinding quality. His eyes weren't bloodshot anymore. He was genuinely happy. You felt your heart skip. "Still think I'm cute?" You couldn't answer. The words wouldn't form. You were struck speechless. Kyungsoo slid his hand to the small of your back and mumbled, "such a dork." It was almost as if your fight hadn't occurred. Almost.

The dance went on. One two turn, one two turn, one two turn. Right back left, right back left, right back left, all in a circle. It wasn't your rug anymore. You were twirling on a cloud. And he was the gentleman to sweep you off your feet. It was something you'd only dreamed about. There was a magical quality to being able to dance with someone else. Normally you spun around a ghost in the kitchen while cooking or cleaning. An invisible partner was nothing compared to this. Your daydreams weren't perfect, but this was. Your feet naturally followed beside his. His palm in yours grew clammy. The second your other hand slipped from his shoulder to his chest you could feel his heartbeat. It fluttered under your fingertips. This was real. His love for you was real. You felt like such an ass for doubting him.

"You've done a lot for me too you know," you pointed out meekly. He looked at you pointedly, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

"Well first, you did all this for me."

"You like the dancing?"

"I like that you tried to take interest in my passions. Let's not even count the number of times you've helped me get better at cooking or just did it for me. You also support my work. I can't even begin to find the words to show my appreciation for that encouragement. I can tell you've changed since I met you. Maybe that's just you opening up more, but I think you worked really hard to forget about the bad habits your ex instilled in you. Seeing her today couldn't have been easy. Especially with me there making a mess of things." The tempo slowed. Kyungsoo focused on you with a ferocity only he could accomplish while simultaneously looking relaxed. It was always an experience being under his scrutiny. It astounded you how completely he could narrow in on one goal and stay on it. It showed in his work every day. He made you feel like you were the only existing thing. Like your little universe was only populated by you two. That only you mattered. It was thrilling and terrifying, and filled your chest with warmth. It was safe locked in his gaze. Comforting.

"You don't need to apologize. I wouldn't have been able to get through that if you weren't there for me."

"Shut up a minute I'm trying to be corny." He chuckled at your outburst. "You're warm and kind, and thoughtful. Smart and talented. Maybe a little too practical sometimes, and you're grumpy when you're bored."

"I thought you were going to compliment me."

"But I love you," you finished. "I'll always love you. I can't imagine a future without you there. I'm sorry for getting jealous and doubting your feelings. It was stupid. I'm happiest with you. You're safe."

"That sounds awfully close to boring."

"Not at all. I just mean you make me feel at home." You sighed and jokingly added, "It's like lately we've switched places. I'm being insecure and you're taking chances." The tempo was gradually increasing again as the strings kept the counter-melody lighter with short notes.

"So my dancing is charming enough to get you to forgive me?"

"Yeah. Sure. I'll still need a few days to cool down though." The lower brass entered bombastically, and Kyungsoo did one sharper turn to catch you off guard, making you gasp. He grinned and laughed at your reaction.

"Is this the first time you've danced with anyone?"

"Of course. It's not exactly commonplace."

"Well remind me to do it more often," he declared. "Your face is priceless." Your cheeks flamed up. The entire orchestra came back in in a different key, loud and magnificent. It swept you up with a feeling of nostalgia and romance. You wished you could remain in his arms all night like this. The song was coming to a close. A solo violin took over the last few bars. "Do you still want to move in with me?"

"Absolutely," you answered without hesitating. Kyungsoo slowed your steps gradually until you were standing still, eyes fixed on you. He looked enchanted. Your mind jumped back to the restaurant one last time. The way he was trapped under her in a trance...wasn't the same. He had been rigid and almost frightened. Here with you it was different. Almost like he wanted to be drowned by you. He welcomed your call to come closer. He yearned for the emotions to swallow him up. You couldn't quite place your finger on it, but it was more transparent than before. He leaned closer, letting your hand go so he could cup your face. There were no masks or illusions or fancy words. Kyungsoo was open; drawing you in through his heady gaze.

The violin cried through a long fermata. Then he kissed you. Just a whispered touch. The first in an ever deepening pool that would threaten to consume you. He kept coming back for more, plush lips pressing languid, lingering touches to yours. His breath fanned across your face. His tongue teased your lower lip, and you opened to him. The hand on your back urged you forward, molding his body to yours while his other threaded fingers in your hair. You ran your palms over the plane of his chest, feeling the muscles tense and jump at the simplest brush of skin. Your fingers linked around the back of his neck. Little sighs and breathless moans like fading sunlight poured into your mouth. His desperation melded with yours and grew with every gentle caress. He splayed his hands on your back, cradling you as if he had been practicing exactly how to in his head all night. He pressed more firmly against you. His lips brushed against yours more incessantly. If there was a time you could pinpoint where you forgot about everything and gave in, that was it.

The desire to direct how the night would end dissipated. You didn't care. Kyungsoo could have kissed that monster of a woman in the restaurant and you'd still love him. He was it. You knew it deep down in your bones. You may not believe in soulmates, and it's true no one is perfect, but Kyungsoo was perfect for you. There was no one else you'd rather spend your time with. You'd be his forever if he asked.

Kyungsoo stepped forward. You stumbled backward with him. He continued with this until the backs of your knees hit your bed. He gingerly lowered you to the mattress, refusing to disconnect your mouths. Body pressed tightly to yours, you ran out of air. You gasped for breath. His lips traveled to your ear.

"I love you," he mumbled sweetly. You shivered visibly. "Completely and always." He rolled so you were laying on his chest. Your legs intertwined with his, arms wrapping around you securely.

"I love you, too Kyungsoo. Always." He sighed contentedly and you rested your head on his shoulder. One of his hands slid up the card through your hair. Then a low vibration hit your ears. His chest rumbled. He was humming. The notes drifted around the small bedroom like a lullaby. The waltz. It was relaxing and his voice soothed all the heartache. Smooth and rich. Like a colorful ribbon dancing around and gently touching each note. You loved his voice. Always overflowing with emotion. It never failed to lighten your mood when the world around weighed on you. Naturally, you joined. The harmonization was one you never tried before. You weren't trained like he was. But you had the ear for music, and it was hard to mess up humming. Kyungsoo smiled kindly, surprised by hearing your voice. He kept playing with your hair, sending shivers down your spine. Before you realized it you were drifting off to sleep.

[neverholygrail]

Lotor’s end fix-it fanfic

I wrote this story in a foreign language out of spite, kinda explained where this came from here. 

enjoy! 

Lotor woke up suddenly, a rush of adrenaline making him sit immediately and look around. His head was a mess, his memories an impossible blur. - Where am I? - His voice scaped unsure, confused lips. Where was he? and why? He didn't recall even who he was and trying to remember only brought pain. He remembered blinding light, and that was it. 

- This is planet Atlanta, and I am Einjar. This is my house. - The voice that answered confused question came out of nowhere. Lotor tried to get on guard immediately, something inside him urging him to defend himself, to fight for reasons he didn't understand. Yet he failed to even stand, and strong hands came to help him before he fell. A man, human-like but undeniably bigger than the average human (not as much as a Galra, tho) was there. Pointy ears, even bigger than altean's, were the only thing that revealed his alien nature. That and the pinkish skin and blood red eyes that examined Lotor's weakened frame with worry. - You should not be walking. Rest, I will have food and water sent to you, after that we'll try to get you home. 

- Home... - The word sparked something within Lotor, something that was painful and intense - I don't know if I have a home... I... Don't remember. 

- You remember how you got stuck in the Quintessence field? If I'd been a minute later, you wouldn't be here. I had to leave your suit there, that's the reason you are wearing that, and some of your hair got stuck in the helmet so I ripped it but I got you out alive and still quite pretty even without those few hairs. Also, before I continue saying how pretty you are, do you have a name?

Confused beyond limits, Lotor managed to open his mouth to answer, then closed it, unable to respond, in part because he was too confused and because he knew he had a name, but it was hard to get a grasp of it. His mind was too chaotic. 

- Your majesty, would you kindly fuck off and stop flirting with the poor man? He just woke up. - Another Atlantian, a long-haired man (he absolutely looked like a woman, tho, his face was too feminine) entered with food and water, as well as with a towel to help him shower. 

- Oh my! I was not flirting, you beast always have the worst thoughts about me. Please, help him get clean and fed, he is weak now, maybe he will regain some memories after he's rested. 

Turns out the red-haired man was the king of the biggest group of Atlantians in the planet, and the "home" he was staying in was a huge castle with ballrooms (the king was quite eccentric and loved dance parties and reunions) almost 100 high-tech laboratories and many other amenities. 

Lotor was bathed in a huge pool of crystalline, pink water infused with some kind of medicinal fish, amazing animals that irradiated healing energy as they swam by him. He was dressed in a comfortable black attire, his hair simply brushed, so it fell over his shoulders and framed his face. He had no memories of how he styled it before, so he was satisfied with it. The man with the angel face, Inak, showed him the castle and gave him some kind advice on how to behave since Atlantians had quite strange traditions (apparently, asking "How are you" was an insult, and sharing food without being asked to was a proposal). Inak  also showed him the biggest laboratory and explained to him they were researching quintessence. 

- This energy is both dangerous and miraculous. Taking it with the current systems kills things, and we hate losing lives here, so we are trying to gain controlled, non-invasive, non-exploitable access to the quintessence field to create a cruelty-free alternative, it will help countless civilizations, yet maintain the delicate order inside the field.  

- Such an amazing goal, it would help so many people. I... can't tell why, but I find myself terribly interested in this research, would you tell me more? 

Distant knowledge helped him understand the information and the advances and even allowed him to make smart suggestions. At least smart enough to have Inak practically ordering Einjar to let him become part of the investigation team. 

And he did. 

A mere month and a half after his arrival, Lotor was already working with the Atlantians, helping them understand quintessence better than anyone ever had. No one knew where this knowledge came from, but everyone welcomed it, and everyone welcomed Lotor. 

After three months, the king even organized a ball to celebrate him and his help (Inak told him it was quite common tho, the king loved parties and used any excuse to make one), where he got the chance to truly feel part of the team he was working with. The constant feeling in his chest that told him not to trust anyone, to be defensive, to prepare for treason, had shut down enough for him to forget about it. 

Lotor even danced with the king, at first reluctantly and somehow embarrassed, but as they moved in the dancefloor to the rhythm of the slow music, Lotor felt more and more confident. He ended up dancing for almost two hours.

When the musicians finished playing and went to rest, King Einjar and Lotor walked to the balcony together, the view of the pink river was darkened by the night, but the soft breeze was enjoyable enough.

- I want to thank you for all you've done in such a short amount of time. I could be anyone, I could be an enemy, and you wouldn't know. Yet you have been kind to me, you've given me a place to feel at home when I couldn't remember if I had one. I will repay you for this, I will not rest until the goal of the great Atlantian kingdom is fulfilled. - Enjar smirked a little as Lotor spoke, and then he laughed. 

- Always so serious, you could also be a really friendly scientist with a thing for giant robots. - The Galran prince lifted an eyebrow, slightly confused, but still managed to smile softly. - Lotor, I don't know how to say this without it sounding selfish, so forgive me. I wish you never leave us. You have given us a lot more than you credit yourself for. For example, now I have the pretties scientist I've ever seen working right in front of me all the time. And there's also the quintessence advances, those are important.

- Your majesty should truly work on his speaking abilities, Inak is right, you do sound as if you are flirting. - They both smiled at the thought, but then Einjar heard the music begin again, and took Lotor's arm. 

-- Lotor, that's because I am flirting.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Supergirl season two full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (twenty-two of twenty-two).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

49.93%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Nineteen. 

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-five. Thirteen who appear in more than one episode, five who appear in at least half the episodes, and two who appear in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Thirty-six. Thirteen who appear in more than one episode, four who appear in at least half the episodes, and one who appears in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Though the numbers turned out higher than last season by virtue of some stellar narratives in the early part of the season, in reality this was a disappointing return to the show, by-and-large shallower and overly dependent on life-defining concepts of unhealthy romance (average rating of 3.09).

General Season Quality:

Starts out fantastically well, but loses steam around mid season, and turns pretty damn sour by season’s end. A shocking waste of the potential promised by the first season; I’ve practically got whiplash from how severely this turned.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Well, this was a clusterfuck. Let’s see if we can break it down into three manageable categories: world building, politics, and relationships.

The primary victim of this season’s bad storytelling is the alien world of Daxom, and the shoddy world-building there leaks out all over the rest of the narrative. We’re told initially that Daxom is some horrible party planet whose politics were at odds with truth, justice, and the Kryptonian way - we’re told this within a clear framework of confronting ingrained prejudices (something I applauded at the time, you may recall), a context which implies that there is complexity and nuance to Daxom that is going unrecognised, and which we might reasonably expect to explore as the season progresses. It doesn’t happen. We’re told that the people of Daxom are kept drunk so that they won’t question their oppression; we’re told that they were all too drugged up to ‘feel anything’; we’re told that they maintained a sex-drenched hedonistic society headed by an evil, war-mongering, slave-owning royal family (the slavery thing really makes it seem like Kara buried the lede by complaining about a ‘party planet’, too: honestly who cares if they’re partying? They have slavery. SLAVERY). Our hero Supergirl even tells us that the Daxomite prince was ‘the worst of the lot’, though she conveniently neglects to detail how he was the worst, which becomes conspicuous once it is revealed that her new boyfriend Mon-El is that prince. Everything we ever learn about Daxom is cartoonishly negative; it’s also somewhat at odds with itself. Were the Daxomites viciously oppressed and constantly partying? While it is technically possible to have both be true, the entire planet is treated as such a homogenous whole it’s hard to know who was suffering, who was livin’ it up, and who was doing both. Are the rich people being kept drunk and drugged so that they won’t object to their own superiority? Are the poor people provided the freedom and resources to party hard on a constant basis to prevent them from rioting over their non-specified hardships? The details are so vague we can’t even draw clear conclusions about who is responsible for this situation, because if everyone is drunk, drugged, or otherwise unable to gain perspective on their circumstances, then can they really be blamed for them? Daxom’s entire population is tarred with the same broad brush, a collection of cliches masquerading as world-building but really only serving to form a blurry image of a dysfunctional and inherently bad society. And with Daxom’s bevy of stereotypes standing unquestioned and therefore unclear, we segue easily into...

Politics. Early on when I applauded the show’s transparency about stating its political convictions, I had no idea how far they intended to take it, and how blisteringly uncool it would be. Where, at that early stage, the politics the show was declaring was all about equal rights and therefore undeniably positive, as the Daxom issue grew the political mess became far less inclusive. Despite being confronted by the reality of Krypton’s flaws back in the first season as well as in this one, the positioning of Daxom as an uncomplicated evil serves to backtrack on Supergirl’s personal growth in recognising that she is not immune from bigotry herself, instead validating her hatred. Ironically, they get the opportunity to examine the same confrontation for Mon-El later in the season when meeting with his parents forces him to acknowledge how far his personal beliefs have strayed from his upbringing, and yet they waste that chance as well, because duh, Daxom is bad. Exploring what was wrong with Daxom wasn’t about furthering that statement on equal rights, not least because exploration of Daxom’s flaws didn’t really happen at all, we were just handed the party line and told to go with the idea that this whole planet was garbage. And then on top of that, the show went and made the political division of Krypton and Daxom into a stand-in for real life American Democrats vs Republicans, with Rhea echoing Republican catchphrases while the much-championed equality-advocate and literal alien President of the United States is explicitly identified as a Democrat! Supergirl’s writers thus make a statement not about political policy or basic rights, but about political affiliation in the real world, and there’s nothing positive about using the cartoonish villainy of Daxom as a vehicle for attacking Republicans. This sends the message that Supergirl is not a show for Republican audience members, and that divisiveness is just not useful. Instead of using their show as a platform to promote positive and healthy ideas, it is used as a weapon to shame and (again with the irony) alienate a potential half of its viewership, and in the current political climate, that’s irresponsible story telling, not to mention anathema to Supergirl’s first-season theme of unity across barriers. 

So, we have a world that is just broad-strokes Bad News, an ill-advised not-metaphor for real-world political divisions, and a bunch of missed opportunities to explore the nature of bigotry. That last one is a bigger problem than it may initially appear, too, as noted in the episode posts: if the writers were trying to tell this story in a serious way, they’d have really invested in deprogramming Mon-El. As eager as they were to make Daxom ‘evil’, they didn’t want to also make Mon-El ‘evil’ as Kara said he was when she spoke unknowingly of Daxom’s prince, and so Mon-El becomes a victim of the vague world-building of Daxom, and creates a feedback loop which in turn makes Daxom’s world-building more vague by virtue of its politics not being clearly reflected in the unfiltered behaviour of its favourite son. The show wants Mon-El to be blamed for being born the prince of Daxom, but it also doesn’t want that - it wants the cheap drama of Kara expressing her own bigotry, but it doesn’t want Mon-El to actually be that bad, but it doesn’t want to admit that Kara is prejudiced, but it doesn’t want her opinion to be wholly justified in this one instance, just every other one, etc, etc. The show is too afraid to demonstrate Supergirl having ugly beliefs of her own to question, nor does it really want to do its due diligence on having Mon-El process the complex reality of having everything he was raised to believe called into question and/or summarily rejected by his new society. In the process, the season forgets to have any kind of moral centre, losing itself in that all-encompassing disavowal of Republican politics but failing to be specific  even then, and a superhero story without a moral centre is...kinda pointless. The resulting mess of politics and lazy short-hand, again, cripples Mon-El’s functionality as a character as he ends up tacked together out of disparate pieces, never really Daxom enough for Daxom, his playboy issues mostly pared down into base-level comic relief, and a grotesque romantic entanglement thrown in over the top to make his convoluted non-personality worse.

Which brings us to: relationships. Perhaps surprisingly, I don’t actually think Mon-El himself is the worst part of this season - as noted above, I see him as a symptom of much bigger issues - but his relationship with Kara is a huge problem. It plays pretty much every toxic bullshit trope I would have expected this show - especially after the precedent of awareness set last season - to avoid. The fact that Mon-El’s fuckboy behaviour is the only real evidence of that Daxomite heritage the show is refusing to properly unpack means it comes off not as a learning curve for him so much as an uncharacteristic weak point for Kara, that she would tolerate being screwed around by the thoughtlessness of this guy. That the show repeats this lazy drama literally one episode after another, having Mon-El mistreat or disappoint Kara at the start but make it up to her by the end, is further damaging as it shows Kara suffering a cycle of poor behaviour without any indication of why she keeps coming back to it, which again makes her appear weak-willed in total contradiction of her usual Supergirl persona, feeding an image of her as so love-struck as to be victimised by it despite any such ‘love’ being entirely unearned by the arcs of the narrative. That this is not only a massive unhealthy cliche but also one which is being served up without commentary as though the writers legitimately think it’s unproblematic romance makes it all the more shocking. Kara’s personality is overridden by her romance with Mon-El, and the rest of her relationships - most notably with Alex - are sidelined in favour of it; as the season wears on Kara rarely manages stories of her own that don’t revolve around the spontaneous and awkwardly forced romance with Mon-El. Why does she love him? Because the script says so. She loves him despite him being a Daxomite, but we’re not gonna explore that because it’s in admitting-that-good-guys-have-flaws territory. Giving the romance nuance or believability or unpredictability would require better characterisation of Mon-El and therefore Daxom and therefore, Kara’s prejudices that we’re supposed to pretend aren’t really a problem because Daxom is Evil. If Kara could have spent the season navigating the pains of bigotry with Mon-El, that would have been interesting and thought-provoking storytelling, and if they really insisted on making a romance there at least they woulda been treading some less generic ground.

Then again, they were already treading less generic ground when Kara was oh-so-briefly with James Olsen, before some fuckwit decided that it was too racially subversive to tell that story, and James ended up shafted with a promising but under-developed personal story and little to no contact with the rest of the characters all season long, making it almost weird when he occasionally graced us with an appearance. Alex at least fared better in the relationship that drew her away from Kara the majority of the time, scoring one of the only good subplots of the season in the form of her coming-out process, though I must admit I dislike Maggie and find her a flat, poorly-drawn character, as if the writers went ‘she’s a tough lesbian cop! That’s three words! It’s plenty of personality!’ and just kinda left it at that, and that taints the ongoing story of Alex’s personal life. The only passable romance in this season of Unnecessary Romances For Everyone Not Called James was J’onn and M’gann, and that possibly only worked because it was understated and featured but briefly; Winn’s relationship with Lyra, on the other hand, was just another cliche mess as irritating as it was dull, and pointless to boot, like the writers couldn’t figure how to write Winn a personal plot without it being a romance. Nice work, guys. 

There is so much more that we could complain about this season - don’t even get me started on the total misfire which was the CADMUS plot - and so few things to appreciate - Lena Luthor deserves a nod, queer rep is always a win, Martian stuff is great, Clark Kent is delightful - but it’s probably time to let this bad batch go. If we’re lucky, the folks behind Supergirl learned about a trillion lessons about how to do storytelling and will get back to actually trying, come season three. If not, I guess y’all can look forward to me bitching about it. A lot. They burned my trust in this show worse this season than I would have thought possible, and I’m not convinced they can earn it back. We’ll see. 

[hiei700]

‪I’ve been thinking about Lotor’s motive.‬

Bear with me, this is a long one, folks.

‪Saying what his motive exactly is seems kinda difficult, but I think it’s easy to say what it isn’t.‬

‪In my opinion, it seems to stem greatly from his hatred for Zarkon, yet at the same time he doesn’t seem to want revenge per-say on Zarkon, since he was fine either way with Zarkon living or dying. His motive isn’t revenge.‬

‪He also remained indifferent to being booted off the throne when his father came back to life. That means ‬his motive isn’t ‪something ‬related‪ ‬to‪ ‬power or control, even a structural ambition. It also is, quite obviously, not to gain his father’s love or affection. Curiously enough, however, he’s not indifferent to Zarkon; he’s insulted by the mere idea of being anything like him. He hates Zarkon, or at least who Zarkon has become.

Lotor is also rather indifferent to Voltron, but only in the respect of whether the lions live or not. ‪He’s quite interested in their mechanics and the way they form Voltron, but as far as Voltron itself goes, he just wants the team out of his business. If he can “round up the lions,” that’s a victory, but if they disappear in an alternate reality, it’s also a victory. He seems neither interested in destroying it nor capturing it as a first resort, so his motive isn’t directly related to Voltron.‬

‪That said: I’d say his motive is a very personal one; he lost someone he loved, and now he’s working to do something for them or in continuation of their legacy.‬

‪There are two possibilities for this:‬

1. ‪Lotor wants to carry on Honerva’s legacy‬

2. ‪There’s another person we haven’t met yet‬ who was important to Lotor

I know that it would likely make more sense for Lotor‪ ‬to be completely lost in Honerva’s work and legacy‪,‬ but I’m somewhat leaning towards the second possibility‪.‬

‪That said, I’m going to entertain both:‬

For the first possibility:

‪Lotor clearly respects Honerva’s work. He thinks that what she has done is permanent and powerful, and he’s disappointed when he can’t re-open the rift. He’s spent so much time on the math and planning of getting to that point, only for it to fail. He has also clearly invested an inane amount of time and energy in channeling “ancient” Altean magic to purify quintessence to such a degree—a purity that matches Voltron’s own (you can tell because their quintessences are both blue lmao). If we assume Haggar is the most perfect magic form of Honerva, then it’s safe to say Lotor’s already better at magic that Haggar will ever be. He may even come close to Allura in terms of power, so we can assume he’s studied under some Altean, or at least read a good volume of information about them.‬

‪Even though it sounded completely empty to many Lotor fans, his motive is at least partially rooted in harvesting quintessence between realities, like Honerva did. What he hopes to use that quintessence for is the real question, because we already know Lotor doesn’t want power for power’s sake.‬

‪Perhaps he thinks he can revive Honerva somehow.‬

‪Maybe he wants to build Honerva’s ideal schematics that went unfinished.‬

‪Maybe he was hoping to find Honerva somewhere in the rift.‬

‪Regardless, this would give us a trigger point for Lotor’s hatred of Zarkon (not that it’s necessarily paramount for a neglected child to have any sort of breaking point, but for simple cartoon’s sake, let’s say there is one).

‪When Zarkon and Honerva went into the rift with his mother, and both of them were declared dead, and there was a large total funeral held for them, then only Zarkon came back to life—to a young Lotor, that must have seemed devastating.

Not to mention the way Zarkon immediately defamed Alteans, the way he declared all-out war and started on a power-filled rampage for thousands of years. Ouch.‬

‪That leads me to something I’m very solid in believing: he and Zarkon fought. They had a duel, as prompted by Lotor, and if Honerva is truly his motive, he challenged Zarkon because Lotor assumed Zarkon killed her.‬

‪Really, the only evidence I have of this duel is the scar over Zarkon’s left eye, which /could/ have come from Alfor... though, when you think about it, the angle of the fallen Narti could have easily been a cover-up to a “left-eye” wound.‬ Parallelism and all that.

‪A duel also would have been a good way to get exiled from the empire. Not to mention, this happened in GoLion. You know who saved Lotor from being killed by Zarkon in that duel?‬

‪Haggar. ‬

‪Which is what I think happened in this case too. For some reason, Haggar reasoned that killing Lotor would do more harm than good, and Zarkon listened, which is partly why Lotor doesn’t hate Haggar. (Also, he’s not stupid, he’s probably suspecting Haggar is Honerva, even if it’s just a little voice in his head). He might think that with the right quintessence, he can wake Haggar up? Or maybe he just wants to carry on her work. It’s unclear.‬

‪Now, the second possibility: he lost someone we haven’t meant yet.‬

I just don’t see Honerva as having a personal relationship with Lotor at all‪;‬ ‪s‬he seems so distant and quintessence-driven when Alfor‪ ‬speaks to her‪ ‬shortly after Allura’s birth. That’s not to say she never cared about Lotor; I’ve read a few theories where Lotor was sick and that’s the only reason both of his parents worked so intensely, to cure‪ ‬him.

The sick thing, I‪ ‬definitely see as a possibility, but during this‪,‬ it would be foolish to assume that Lotor‪ ‬saw his mother everyday. Any love he has‪ ‬for‪ ‬her, I‪ ‬see as something idealistic‪ ‬and skewered‪.‬ He might love the idea of a good mother who‪ ‬invested‪ all of her time and energy into healing him or building an empire, but if they spent no time together, his love must be quite empty.‬

‪This in mind, someone had to tend to Lotor, and it certainly wasn’t Zarkon. Ergo, it was someone we don’t know.‬

‪For now, I’m assigning this figure the character of Amue/Romelle, because if it’s anyone who already exists, it’s likely someone both Altean and also connected to the royal family. It would explain why Lotor is skilled at such advanced magic, and if Amue/Romelle ever worked with Alfor, it would explain why Lotor is so amazing at engineering and how he already knew how to build ships from the comet.‬ It also lends some kudos to the original series where Lotor is so impacted by Allura because she resembles someone in his past (specifically his mom in this case), and kudos to the Voltron + Robotech comics where Zarkon kills his mother right in front of Lotor, and Lotor is devistated. Amue/Romelle certainly isn’t his mom, but she’s likely the only character left that would look like Allura enough to really impact Lotor emotionally. (I mean, they might scrap that part altogether, but I think it’s pretty important ya know).

‪Again, I see a duel happening between Lotor and Zarkon, this time because of something that happened to Amue/Romelle, and this leads to Lotor’s exile.‬

‪His motives, in this scenario, are less clear, but I want to point something out first.‬

‪It’s already clear that VLD is drawing parallels between Keith and Lotor. Among many things, they share an exile from their affiliated institution. Keith was exiled because he was so distraught over losing Shiro. Lotor was exiled because?‬

‪Likely because he lost the person most precious to him. Only, unlike Keith, Lotor never got Amue/Romelle (or even Honerva, if we’re going off of the first theory) back.‬

‪In a way, Lotor is a twisted version of a Keith that never got to save the person who stood by him the most. Heavily invested in one cause that only he really understands, willing to break laws and make new allies just to achieve his means, completely isolated from any family he may have made along the way. It’s interesting to ponder.‬

‪That said, Lotor truly feels like he owes someone something. Whether he’s trying to find a way to carry on Amue/Romelle’s legacy or he’s just trying to bring her back to life or cure her of some fatal wound that a healing pod alone cannot heal—even if his motive is completely rooted in Honerva—he seems completely invested in something undeniably tied to his deepest emotional connections. He can lose anyone and everyone so long as he can do this one single thing he needs to do, and until then, he can’t die.

I love love love all the possibilities we have for Lotor. I’m puMPED.