#it's just not a usual hobby for me

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

thinking about Lucanis again (always). and how so much of his narrative boils down to the theme of "control". and of course also about how this applies to the Rook x Lucanis relationship.

like the first scenes with him in the game are, in theory, about freeing him from the Ossuary (although he seems to have an escape attempt already in progress at the time, they certainly weren't just letting him keep those knives on him for enrichment purposes, Rook just provided an opening/distraction he could take advantage of and crucially Rook has A Way Out of the whole place not just a cell). but ACTUALLY the purpose it to put him right into a new contract for Us, one set up by his own grandmother and first talon no less, and the person he has the MOST trouble saying no to. He's escaped torture and the Venatori for sure but he still isn't free, which I think is part of what leads to Spite's confusion/the Inner Demons plotline. He agrees to the contract but you can tell it's in many parts out of a sense of duty/mourning vs something he actively wants to do for himself. And then the FIRST real heartfelt conversation you have with him, where he tells you "even before I was captured, my life was not really my own. So much had been determined for me." But he's chaffaing at that! He thinks "to live truly is to live fully" and so directly tells you he doesn't think he's lived a life true to himself. He's been constantly smothered by the weight of expectations around him, even though he longs for more.

And then once you get him to the Lighthouse you see how this Big lack of control in his life comes out as all these smaller frustrations. He's terrified of sleeping and downing 11 cups of coffee per hour because sleeping means he will lose control to Spite, even though Spite is shown to flee rather than fight when he feels threatened, and once calmed down, is more drawn to just benign curiosity/mischief than anything actively malicious. Like if Lucanis loses control and sleeps for a few hours he is not going to wake up surrounded by bloodshed, he's going to wake up to a belly full of candle wax because he wouldn't like Spite taste one while they were awake. Which is the other half of this--he constantly denying Spite's impulses for reasons that in some ways make sense (HE doesn't want to eat candles), but not in a way that's actually satisfying to either of them (why not just take a bite, chew for a bit, and spit it out so Spite knows they kind of suck actually?). But he CAN say no to Spite and so he does. Over and over. Spite's one of the few people he can deny things without feeling bad about it, because it's HIS body he doesn't like that has to share now (<- this is what he thinks about it at first anyway, but he's wrong, it's both of theirs and it's useless to try to hold those kind of boundaries forever. but the "no its mine" spiteful instinct is very beautifully ironic and reflective of them both and their early relationship).

And personally I think this is where his fear of his own desires and intimacy is coming from, at the root. I don't think he's afraid of the concept of being in a romance or having feelings (even if they're unusual and rare for him, this is by no means incompatible with him being demi) but I DO think he is afraid of the kind of power it gives people over you. Getting something you want means there's something else that can be taken away. Admitting your desire means the other person has the opportunity to deny that. The more you have, the more you have to lose, and he has lost again and again and again in his life--his parents, his childhood to the crows, his independence, even his future--he doesn't aspire to be first Talon but he knows the rumors. He knows his grandmother wanted it for him, not Illario. His life path has been laid out for him by others and up to this point he has simply been going along with it anyway, even though it bothers him. He COULD argue and fight Caterina and push for Illario who actually wants the job to be First Talon instead, but from The Wigmaker Job we know he doesn't. He just ignores it and pretends maybe it won't happen, without him having to do any of the work. Which is why in the end Illario is the one who has to make a move about it (and even warns Lucanis of this!!!!). Lucanis KNOWS all this makes him a target but is neither taking charge or getting off of the train tracks, just closes his eyes.

And I think THIS context is what makes the almost kiss scene in the pantry make more sense to me. Rather than being afraid of having feelings (and then NEVER addressing this in game with a Rook who pursues him anyway) or not knowing how to finish what he's started via crow seduction training, it's more like this is a pivotal moment where he can actively choose to step off the planned path of be given a job -> kill the gods -> enact revenge -> go home. even if he doesn't at that point realize that a relationship with Rook could be something that lasts long-term, the very act of doing something just for himself is what's foreign and scary and hard. It's that first step off the tracks, and even if he were to keep walking in the same direction, it means he's making a choice about it. he's accepting that one way or another it IS in his power to go along with everyone else's plans or not. Hence the hesitation, and drawing back, and needing to clear his head.

And then the rest of Rook's role in his narrative IS about giving him more and more control for himself. Inner Demons, dealing with Illario, his questlines move less towards revenge and more towards just... not being locked into one fate. Which of course Caterina comes back and immediately tries to overturn by declaring him First Talon after all, even though she and him and everyone else knows she's not ACTUALLY ready to give up her rule/decision making power yet. Which in a way is maddening because cmon I did all this work here so this sad man could have some agency in his own life just to watch him get sucked right back in (which, at least we get many directions to headcanon from here), but there's no denying that THIS version of Lucanis at least is actually going in with his eyes open now. THIS Lucanis has had a taste of life outside the Crows, and seen the politics and power dynamics in other places/organizations, and finally has emotional ties to the big picture state of the world now, both in relationship and friendship paths with Rook. He's not just hyper focused on each contract as it's given to him now, he's looking at the whole thing.

Anyway of course the beautiful culmination of all this within the romance is the lighthouse scene with Rook, where he finally is willing to let himself be vulnerable (emotionally and physically), and fall asleep without fear of what Spite's going to do in the meanwhile. He also (depending on dialogue choice) finally talks about his feelings directly with you for the first time instead of in roundabout ways (the dessert being "not enough" is it really the dessert you mean, Lucanis. is it.). Even though he is STILL reluctant to verbally admit his feelings or let Rook share their own at this point, I think that's more a narrative choice about saving those last emotional dialogue options for the big final battle. but it is another point where he does have to stop just following along and ACTIVELY choose that yes, yes sometimes loving is worth the risk of losing it. Even if someone takes it away from you later, even if you don't survive it, sometimes the love alone makes it worth it.

I have like another 5000 words I could add into about how Spite ties into all this, about how having the demon in him is something he both fears AND how it forces him to acknowledge that actually yes he DOES share the same base feelings/instincts Spite does in terms of not wanting to be told what to do. And how this in a way is part of what gives him permission to act on it since he can no longer just shove it down out of sight. but this post is long enough already so i'm just going to take the rest of this and gnaw on it all day like a chew toy I guess.

anyway. AHG. it is kind of frustrating that the culmination of his arc seems to be "and then he got the job he never wanted anyway" but I do think at least all this prepares him for it in a way Caterina actively failed to actually do on her own. He NEEDED that step away from his straightforward path. Whether he stays first talon or not, and with or without rook as a romantic partner, he's finally been able to explore ideas outside the expectations of others.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I miss people using non-medicalized terms for other people's passions

like. well and good to talk about "hyperfixations," "special interests [in the context of an autistic person's favorite subject]," or "infodumping" if you have ADD/ADHD or autism, or are talking about someone who is, but...that's not everyone who feels strongly about something, obsesses, or loves talking about their interests. those words mean specific things, associated with specific forms of neurodivergence

don't assume everyone is comfortable with that language

"rambling" is a word; so is "ranting." "obsession" is a word. "passion" is a word. learn them and use them

[snackugaki]

surprise my other hobbies are window shopping and fashion

[virune]

genuinely never understood the preoccupation with bullying people for being harmlessly weird. like if seeing someone wearing eccentric clothing or having an unusual hobby elicits some kind of unfounded aggression in you then i don't know what to tell you. get a grip maybe

[ohitslen]

BREAKING NEWS 🎉Ch. 5 of The neighbor from 311 is up!🎉

[marklikely]

no literally this is how its been the last couple weeks

[hychlorions]

what i've been up to lately if anyone's into that 🥴

[ducktracy]

i've been in a very "nostalgic for SpongeBob" mood lately and that's warranted a lot of reflecting on Baby Me being a Sponge fanatic and thinking of what she'd think of now. and i have to say that one of my favorite parts of doing what i do--and also the most stupidly niche--is that one of my first online hyperfixations i recall having was SpongeBob production music. i remember animating magical girl transformations in Flipnote to SPONGEBOB MUSIC. i remember feeling so smart researching all the songs and getting to hear them without any dialogue on top. very gratifying to 11 year old me. i was and am still very fixated on production music, and so i always get very excited when seeing uploads of these songs and spotting a screenshot of a scene i worked on among them. one of my favorite aspects of watching episodes premiere is seeing what music they added on top of scenes i touched. it's just neat how many facets my thankfulness for Doing What I'm Doing gets to reach. i'm never not thinking of how grateful i am to be doing what i'm doing

[neonsbian]

2024 in review

rules: link your most popular and your favorite post from each month of the year (you can skip months if you want to!)

tagged by @baekhyunnybyun <3

JANUARY (total edits: 11)

MOST POPULAR: sweaty ten lol FAVORITE: this other ten set (im actually kinda upset it flopped lol) and also this joy set

FEBRUARY (total edits: 12)

MOST POPULAR: kunyang visiting ten on the nightwalker set <3 FAVORITE: this ten dangerous set (i remember it took me forever to make lol)

MARCH (total edits: 13)

MOST POPULAR: this xiaojun universe (lets play ball) set FAVORITE: apink eung eung set and fromis 9 love bomb set

APRIL (total edits: 10)

MOST POPULAR: the face started wars (xiaojun gifset lol) FAVORITE: another ten set lol and this sunmi set

MAY (total edits: 10)

MOST POPULAR: everyones favorite white boy wilson ^_^ FAVORITE: this other house set (i spent so long on it and i love it sm) and idk if id call it my favorite but i did spend a lot of time thinking abt this xiaojun set

JUNE (total edits: 24)

MOST POPULAR: of all the wayv gifs i made that month, its actually my first iwtv set FAVORITE: im cheating w this month bc i have a lot i like but idgaf. first: im never topping this flo milli set. as for wayv: the kisses during their first win and this yangyang she a wolf set and this other yangyang she a wolf set (thx oomf for always rbing it lol) and this xiaojun gmt ending fairy and ofc tendery yaoi

JULY (total edits: 16)

MOST POPULAR: do you find me boring 🥺 FAVORITE: again, cheating. this yangyang set and this phantom era xiaojun set and this papang set and this dubai trio set and this ten at waterbomb set and my most favorite of them all: my top 10 kpop songs of the first half of this year (idk if you noticed but atp i started switching up my coloring a little bit bc i started giffing tv shows and i think i rlly started to grow as a gifmaker in this month)

AUGUST (total edits: 6)

i started my new job this month and it killed the gifmaker spirit in me lol

MOST POPULAR: this iwtv set (made pre me starting my new job lol) FAVORITE: xiaojuns bday set (i put a lot of love in it and i think you can see it lol) and this yangyang set and ten handcuffing xiaoyang lol

SEPTEMBER (total edits: 10)

MOST POPULAR: its morning ^_^ (my most popular gifset ever. amazing what giffing for popular fandoms does for you) FAVORITE: baekhyun pineapple slice and this xiaojun set and this yangyang set and ofc kuntenserven

OCTOBER (total edits: 1)

my job was rlly getting to me lol

MOST POPULAR and FAVORITE (by default): yangyangs bday set

NOVEMBER (total edits: 8)

MOST POPULAR: xiaojun frequency ending fairy FAVORITE: yangyang frequency mv set (one of my fave mv sets of all time tbh)

DECEMBER (total edits: 5)

MOST POPULAR: my love, flo milli FAVORITE: this yangyang set

this year was one of growth and also regression. hopefully now that im working from home i can make more edits lol

tagging @hoforwonho and @28reas0ns and @sungtaro and the girl reading this <3

[spotaus]

Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡

So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.

At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.

Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.

I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.

So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.

If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.

[itsalwaysdark]

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

[quinloki]

Okay, but which one of your blorbos does this to prove they'd be good at going down on you?

[silusvesuius]

g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen

[omarithecat]

how does one write fanfiction when one has the fear of mischaracterizing the vague idea of the characters in your head, because I wish to write and the fear is winning

[bowtiestash]

i really find it interestin that you can kinda clock an artist's age based on how self-deprecatin they are lol

[vizybs]

a little rant this is not targeted at any specific users, i quite literally cannot name users who have done this off the top of my head but, i see it happen a bit too often so here we are.

guys i beg of you… stop making our little demon brat “feral” it is weird he is a passive aggressive well spoken little guy who has murder tendencies when provoked or when he assumes he’s been wronged okay?

Damian’s not some animal they put on a leash and go “aw shucks no biting!!” —absolutely not, he is a sophisticated little brat who takes action when he feels he needs to and he must be respected! Like seriously the lowkey jokes at him bein feral make me wanna start swingin hands

This is not pointing at any specifc fics or posts btw its just… no. its jus disappointing his character has been boiled down to this sometimes hes not even amongst my top fav characters in dc but i still feel so wronged whenever i see him being reduced to that.

Theres a thing about growing up and learning to ignore things you dont like, but i just.. this is like. gross. I wish people viewed characters outside ‘haha mom friend’ ‘haha feral one’ ‘the sad one!!’ because most of the time they start putting characters in these boxes so often they end up entirely misinterpreting them and their whole character w/o even noticin.

Yes Damian tends to be the one shown as the first to throw hands but that doesnt mean he is the ‘feral one’—a brat and a menace sure but he doesnt act without reason, he has a very streamlined thought process and is an intelligent little dude whose figuring this new world out, albeit absolutely not in the best way but thats what makes characters interesting!!

Please dont take characters at their face value and make that their entire personality. Damian is arguably one of the most complex and well written characters in the batfamily—please dont water him down just to make him ‘feral’ for a half-baked joke