#it's just a little internal bleeding
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first post on here ever. happy birthday kuroo... I love you forever.
#it's just a little internal bleeding#kuroo tetsurou#kozume kenma#kenma#kuroo#bokuto#hinata shoyou#tsukishima kei#haikyū!!#haikyuu!!#i hope everyone had a wonderful kuroo birthday#i havent used rainbow scratch paper since i was but a small babe#today was a wonderful day because i havent had a good day in a while#and since it is kuroo's birthday i tried to make sure i was taking care of myself#remember when kuroo said and kenma started to respect him after that?#gosh this friendship is as pure as like the snow of the alps#i had spaghetti for dinner#i was so happy to be eating and watching haikyuu that i almsot cried#and earlier i was so overwhelmingly grateful for feeling inspired that i very nearly broke down#thank you to my lovely teacher who listens to me#i love you#haikyuu saves my life#haikyū fanart#haikyuu fanart#fanart#haikyuu!! fanart#kuroo fanart#kuroo birthday
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this year my challenge for everyone is to unlearn the association between love and morality. love is not something that is inherently morally good, and the absence of love is not something that is inherently bad. sex without love isn't morally bankrupt, it's just an action. people without love aren't less kind or less good, they're just people. when we can get past this false (and often unnoticed) dichotomy of good love/evil lovelessness then i think we are going to be able to take leaps and bounds in sex positivity, aro advocacy, certain discussions of mental health...
#and also. not the direct focus. but love doesn't make things good. you can be in love and do terrible terrible things.#people do bad things in the name of love and in despite of love all the time.#but!! imagine a world where people could exist as people and not be demonized.#sex positivity means being cool about All sex. reexamine your internal systems of moral judgement.#this goes for sex workers. for aroallo people. especially aroallo men. for aro people in general who might enjoy sex.#and frankly i think it can easily bleed into discussions about mental health disorders around 'not feeling' certain things#especially demonizing ppl who don't feel as much empathy. i think there's definitely a correlation between that and the emphasis on love.#our support needs to go out to Everybody and i think these things are all structured together in one way or another!!#it might not be immediately obvious but when i tell you it all leads back to amatonormativity..... little bit wild.... large bit wild....#anyway. horror movie psychopath 'oh he can't feel emotions or love' damn alright. well. let's take a closer look at that.#silly that there's an association between lack of love and Murdering. feel like that might affect some stuff.#love is just an emotion/a feeling it doesn't mean anything about you one way or another#same with empathy. you can feel it all you want but it doesn't inherently change the actions you choose to take#anyway. thesis statement. there is a socially constructed link between love and morality. unlearn that.#kiss kiss (<— lovelessly)#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#talking#aroace#aspec#sex positivity
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vaggie, miss "im not used to fighting with long hair" who's out of practice actually battling someone or really stabbing ppl...
...still had the arm and hand strength, the REFLEXES, to do a bare handed blade catch on a SWORD, who's user had been doing an aerial dive with it aimed at vaggie's FACE
then sling around and THROW her opponent with it
i know she wants a peaceful-ish life with charlie, but i really wouldn't mind seeing her getting into just a FEW more fights >:D
also also side note: carmilla was able to eff her up earlier so easily bc vaggie fought like an exorcist, no thought to getting hurt or personal defense, the headspace of 'i can't get killed! wheee! DIE DIE DIE' that got that other exorcist killed
and the main advice vaggie got from carmilla was take advantage of that sure, but first and more importantly, defend yourself better
which kinda plays into the whole "be out for love thing" too
aka the fight isn't important, it's what you're fighting to still have Afterwards that matters- the people you love, having a life with them
(the hotel, the hazbins, charlie)
carmilla doesn't send vaggie off with a 'you're ready to go kill angels'. she's only satisfied and ends their little lesson / sparring match when she can say "you might just survive this"
feels like she wasn't teaching vaggie to take out angels. she was reminding her and showing her how NOT to get KILLED
so it's just so nice seeing vaggie blocking, dodging, and grappling lute later. how good she is at focusing on avoiding or neutralizing those attacks aimed at her. how Seriously she takes them
binding lute's both lute's arms and wedging them into her own body so lute's sword CAN'T be angled towards her
the way this shot emphasis's the THREAT of the sword hanging over vaggie
and how her flash-fast recovery and block shows she's READY for it
dodging, not attacking
she's not in this for blood or vengeance, this lady is trying to stay the fuck alive. she's got things and people to live for
things like the idea of mercy. that thing both her and charlie show their enemies, people who came down to hell for murder and spent this fight trying to kill them and got damn close to doing it.
and sure there's a pretty big tone difference between charlie's "Whoa whoa dad. He's had enough" and vaggie's "No, live. Live knowing that you only do because I let you" but both end at the same place, with someone who hates them still getting a second chance
(UNLESS ITS NIFFTY WITH THE ANGELIC BLAAADE)
and vaggie wants that second chance too. she wants a life with charlie, and fights hard so she can stick around for it
epic fail, lute... have you considered getting a hobby...?
#hazbin hotel#vaggie#carmilla carmine#chaggie#lute hazbin hotel#*dreamy sigh*#carmilla as best hell mom im sorry ladies she is So Cool#and the action in that little fight with lute was so fast and brutal#vaggie was clearly using specific BLOCKS and GRAPPLES as well as just clocking lute in the face with the odd radio#she might be (happily) out of practice generally speaking#but she's still got the experience#and she learned Quick how to fend off a SWORD while unarmed#A. SWORD.#she didn't even have her wings out for it#charlie forgive me for re-watching your gf getting beat up so many times- but she really /was/ pretty impressive about it#im like 90% sure there was broken ribs and internal bleeding by the end#from the way she was moving#and she STILL managed to sling shot lute ass over teakettle#XD#the power of looooove
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Something I made in a post that I think'll be lost in the texts + expanded a bit more
These panels are chronological events following AFO's pursuit of Yoichi's Factor.
AFO could tell if people were related through a Quirk. AFO and OFA also are connected to each other. In Kamino, AFO could confidently tell All Might that OFA had been passed on, so all that All Might had left were leftover embers.
When AFO killed Kudo, he asked where Yoichi was. He knew Kudo wasn't the holder of Yoichi's Factor at that time. He also realized when looking at Yoichi's hand that Yoichi's natural Factor was so weak he hadn't registered its existence. This implies AFO could sense Factors since he was young, and Yoichi's natural Factor never stood out to him.
Below are three panels of Bruce (right to left). Bruce fought, AFO killed him, and looked away in disinterest.
When he beat down Bruce, he already had a sense that Bruce didn't hold the Factor anymore. That's why, rather than yell in his face to figure out where it is and interrogate for a long time, he pulled up his corpse to inspect him better.
Bruce's corpse isn't resisting anything. Look at his feet; AFO literally dragged him. Bruce is already dead. Yet he's looking for something from him.
Bruce doesn't have anything for him. Nothing AFO wants.
When he looks away, he's dismissing Bruce, because Bruce doesn't hold Yoichi. AFO is wondering where Yoichi is, because he knows now that he's out there somewhere. Thus the pensive look to the wind.
After Bruce is killed, AFO and Garaki meet for the first time. Shinomori has Yoichi at this time, and AFO never comes close to him, so AFO is lost. He doesn't have any leads, and Yoichi has vanished.
Now that he knows Yoichi can transfer, it's possible for Yoichi to be kept out of his reach for the rest of his life. So meeting Garaki and having access to Life Force gives AFO more time to search.
Yoichi is still missing for 18 years though, because Shinomori is in hiding. AFO couldn't find him during the Fourth's turn.
This is why, when he encounters Banjo, the Fifth and active wielder of OFA [Yoichi], AFO is smiling.
It's been a long time, but Yoichi's in reach again. He knows where he is now. And this is the first time he's encountered the current holder.
Thus his shock.
[Yet... you never behave as I wish.]
It was the first time a Quirk wouldn't let itself be stolen. This was AFO's first encounter with this wall: it doesn't transfer without the holder's consent, and requires willpower stronger than all the holders combined to override that.
The holder is never going to give him that consent. To override the collective willpower, he's going to need something greater.
Meanwhile, look at Banjo's arms. Shinomori is the catalyst to tip OFA over the edge, that an unprepared vessel will be destroyed by how strong the Quirk is.
Banjo's arms are both messed up below the shoulder, just like Midoriya used to be. And like Midoriya uses Blackwhip to reinforce himself and stay standing, Banjo uses Blackwhip to hold his fist / arm together. His hand is being wrapped to stay in a fist.
(What I think is) The reason the limbs turn red, and then purple, from breakage, is a matter of blood vessels. Small, itty bitty, fragile things.
Using OFA breaks the whole area, from bones to blood vessels, causing internal bleeding. Thus the redness. But breaking those vessels again in a second go turns the area purple, because it causes instantaneous internal bruising.
But En wasn't ripped apart by using OFA. There's a cut on his thumb that lines up with the path of destruction; AFO sliced him in half. Otherwise, he wouldn't have that cut if it were just OFA.
It's hidden by the text in [... you never behave as I wish], but depending on where you see this chapter, you can see he got cut on the thumb. It's clearer where we see Nana take his hair from him, in [I only want... to make you mine!]
I have a post in drafts about En being cut in half rather than it being because of OFA, but I also hit an image limit, so I'm gonna end here. Ta.
#from the [hood shouldve been shinomori] post#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#spoilers#afo#ofa#all for one#one for all#bruce#banjo daigoro#hikage shinomori#yoichi shigaraki#izuku midoriya#kyudai garaki#please s7 be graphic over the ofa users deaths#dont sugarcoat it let the viewers see what afo did to the vestiges because he wanted yoichi#poor bruce got ignored by afo#en tayutai#analysis#manga#edit: the thing about ofa and blood vessels is based off of when i would play sports#i keep debating on if i should say where i got the idea from so im just gonna put it down here#i break the blood vessels and create little spots of internal bleeding. i keep playing.#the bleeding spots disappear for huge bruises that cover half of the limb instead#look at midoriyas hand. the uneven discoloring. thats bruising#but while i break tiny areas for little blood spots MIDORIYA BREAKS ALL THE VESSELS BONES + EVERYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MESS REPEATEDLY#midoriya RAN with it (you say run)
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Nanami frantically digging through Shoko’s pamphlets and googling “how to give the ward you just met a sex talk” after the last chapter, this poor man needs a Xanax and a 12 hour nap SO badly right now 😂😂
fantastic chapter btw!! I love love love maki and am fully prepared to be terrorized by her plan—terror for her having to deal with the Zenin and terrorized because that girl is batshit insane and can do anything she sets her mind to ❤️
(I have a sneaking suspicion that her plan involves that mysterious “Okkotsu Yuuta as the world’s most unenthusiastic honeypot” tag, and OH BOY OH BOY am I on tenterhooks to see what insanity (positive) Maki comes up with)
Hope you have a great day!!
Nanami, frantically rushing to r/Parenting for this fucking hurdle of fatherhood:
I (27M) may have discovered my newly adopted son (16M) is in a relationship of indeterminate and possibly intimate nature with his three (15F, 15M, 15M) friends. I need emergency advice.
I only met/took in my eldest a few days ago. Those days have been extremely trying, and have unfortunately placed a very stressful burden on my son. I have tried to support him in any way I can; however, the young character of our relationship makes me fear overstepping his boundaries. I do not want to rush anything which may damage any trust he may form in me in the long run.
As a result, I do not believe having “The Talk” with him would be appropriate at this juncture. However, I fear it may be necessary.
I recently approached him while he was visiting with his close friends in a private room. I knocked (from what I believed to be a respectful distance designed to preserve his privacy) and heard a series of… disconcerting noises. His friend (15M) then proceeded to claim that he could not open the door because they were indecent. The door was quickly opened, and all parties were clothed, but this and other behaviors between the group make me wonder if they have something deeper than friendship between them.
His previous parents were neglectful, and the main influence he has had in recent months is… a rather sorry role model. I believe the assumption that he has not yet learned of safe sexual practices is appropriate. I want him to be comfortable with me before we speak of such matters, but I also want him to be safe in the present.
A complicating factor is that one of his friends (15M) rather frequently wears a hyper realistic panda costume. I bear absolutely no judgment or prejudice against any of his potential partners and support him in his relationship. However, I do not actually know the specifics that should be covered in a talk given the particularities of these partners.
Another complicating factor is that one of his friends (15F) would have been better off being raised by wolves than the sorry excuses of humanity that raised her. While I fear that I may overstep boundaries by speaking with my new ward about such topics so soon, I would most certainly overstep boundaries by broaching the matter with her. At the same time, I cannot deny my suspicions that such a conversation would be desperately needed. How should I proceed?
The fucking comments:
what is wrong with you and your life
there is no way you are a real person
ThatOneGuyinthePandaCostumeTokyo.com is this them
your kid is a furry
Nothing in Nanami’s years of teen parenting prepared him for that moment. The man discovered types of panic he did not know existed. POV you’ve known this boy for three days max and you’re the person Responsible For His Wellbeing and mid crisis you have to figure out 1) if it’s too soon in your relationship to give him the safe sex talk 2) if you can even avoid the safe sex talk if what seems to be happening is happening 3) would it even be appropriate to give the safe sex talk to the people he would be potentially having sex with and 4) is he a furry.
Nanami was not prepared to be confronted with this particular challenge of parenting. Especially because Megumi gave Tsumiki the puberty talk, no one’s been brave enough to give her the sex talk, and the entire teen parenting group has Megumi as too Baby in their minds to have even contemplated giving him any talks.
You have NO IDEA how excited I am for that tag.
Thank you for your kind words! I’m glad you liked it!
#I have unilaterally decided that Megumi explained to his own sister the miracle of her changing body#in my mind Tsumiki had no real parental influence prior to Gojo#her mom sure as hell didn’t explain periods to her#both Gojo and Nanami assumed Shoko would explain puberty to her#Shoko did not do that#she also had spent years lying to Gojo about what a woman’s time of the month meant#he believed it had something to do with the full moon#it sounded much like lycanthropy#he did not know blood would be involved#tsumiki in my mind had been slightly isolated from her peers growing up because of what was happening at home#she also did not know that blood would be involved#megumi knew#Megumi had read a book on it just in case#and then Tsumiki got her period. she thought she was bleeding internally. Gojo thought she was bleeding internally. there was hysteria.#they both thought she needed the hospital because she was dying#megumi sat them both down. told them if anyone made eye contact with him he would kill everyone in the room and then himself. if they ever#talked about this again he would kill everyone in this room and then himself. he was on a hairpin trigger.#there would be no follow up questions or discussion after. he will kill them all.#anyone it’s one of Tsumikis favorite memories even though it was mortifying#the fact that her little brother silently learned about puberty so he could explain it to her if he had to sort of was a big confirmation#that he loved her. and Megumi loved so quietly. it was just nice to hear.#sea glass gardens
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nami, chopper, zoro: charging onto the scene only to be met with a wall of armed and angry shipwrights
luffy: got himself wedged between two buildings
robin: got herself roped into an assassination plot
sanji: doing fuck all, probably
#franky’s on his way to hunt down usopp who’s probably like. busy contending with internal bleeding.#honestly i feel like every time there’s this big pivotal thing going on sanji ducks out#just up and vanishes. chronically uninvolved.#little garden. drum island. alabasta. skypiea. water 7.#‘oh but for two of those he was on the verge of death!’ yeah and? he got better#kate watches op#water 7
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he makes me so sick. what is wrong with him
#this isnt even f/o posting on main i dont f/o him. something is just wrong w him#i think about brain unglaus a little too long and start bleeding internally#cupid.txt#should i tag my overlord posts. i probably should for people who dont wanna see#emotional support isekai#<- there thats my overlord tag now
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my absolute worst habit is constantly reloading social media when I feel lonely or need attention
#oxbow.txt#I'm in a lot of pain rn so my little animal brain is trying to push me towards other people#oh to be held and cuddled and have my hair touched#I had to go to the hospital last night because of pain#apparently there is an acceptable amount of internal bleeding so they just sent me home????????#but I am being pathetic because I have internal bleeding#honestly the weirdest part of my visit was when the doctor checked my abdomen and was like ''I can feel your intestines moving gain weight'#like wdym you can just press a hand to me and feel my guts squirm#...tried it just now and yeah he was right#I would like some more space between my insides and the outside world please
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oh ok. i just figured out what my fucking problem is. its the endometriosis -_-
#every time ive gotten sick lately its been the exact same#like. first almost fever but fever symptoms and sore throat like a cold#and then stomach pain and nausea and all that#i told mama im feeling a bit better and she was like ‘but what IS it???’#i was like huh. what do you mean isnt it just a somach bug#and she was like no this is totally not just a regular stomach flu#so anyway im sure its the endometriosis i was diagnosed with recently. bleeeghhhh :(#also btw i was looking up what foods are safe to eat shortly after stomach illnessess#and it was all mega lame stuff like fucking. boiled fish and soft white rice#(umm. note both of those are very good. just not what i was hungry for)#and i asked mama anyway and she was like oh they did a study on that turns out the best thing you can eat after stomach flu is just whatever#you wanna like literally anything#which makes sense that your body would make you hungry for what you need#kinda like how when i havent eaten in awhile the number one thing my stomach decides it wants is bread and apples#which is like. yeah that adds up lol#ANYWAY. i guess i just wanted to say im feeling a little better despite my recent swarm of tummy issues#including internal bleeding i guess. but thats apparently been the case for the past 7 years LOL#NOTHING DANGEROUS BTW!!!!!!! it just hurts like a bitch And im gonna get treatment for it soon teehee ^__^
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I’m just gonna do a wee ramble in the tags. You can ignore me if you want.
#katie is rambling 2k22#so mom is back in the ICU and intubated again#she has some internal bleeding that became very apparent and dangerous#while my brother and I were in the hospital#we left for their quiet time and grabbed something to eat#and came back to mayhem as they were trying to move her#while there was more than a little blood on the bed because the GI docs needed to see#they found one source of bleeding but there’s another one they haven’t sorted yet#but seeing her so freaked out about having to be intubated again was rough#and everyone kept apologizing to us#and I know they were just doing their job and trying to be thoughtful#but it was not helping#also I’m breaking out like really really bad and it’s pissing me off#which is like small fries#but the stress is making me so much more prone to picking#that I am going to turn my entire chin into an open wound#anyway life sucks but I’m chugging along I guess
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under the cut bc it is relating to The thang rhat happened yesterday. so umm. idk how to tw it. i thought some very scary stuff happened to my body but none of it actually did but i talk abt it a bit in detaul and its a bit gruesome . and i rambled abt it in the tags for a bit so dont read those either if u r squeamish Andor just dont want to hear abt that rn . apologies
in hindsight now im calming down a bit it is like. funny in a sad way that while i was literally Convinced that my rib had punctured my lung and also my heart and blood was filling my entire body. i Kept on asking the paramedics Is this gonna be really expensive . im sorry. um is this ambulance gonna cost a lot . and when my mom got to the room i kept crying and saying sorry in between my literal gasping for breath and gagging on what i was convinced was blood and uncontrollable shaking bc i was rly rly rly terrified it was going to cost her a lot of money . bit funny. where r your priorities girl...
#i rly and truly thought i was dying i was like. it ws funny bc i had just talked abt my weirdness thing. and i was like. Feeling the blood#getting up to stumble to the living room and my vision was going fully dark and i was literally in my brain like Its bc i talked abt it now#theyre getting me . this abtually is rhe end for me. i got a little too honest and now my pumishment is duing of internal bleeding jn front#of my entire family. of course that didnt happen bc i didnt actually Lay down too hard and my ribs stabbed my insides to death. bc that like#isnt a thing bodies can do. also i tried to lightly and casually explain what i thought had happened to me to lamp and it quickly became not#light and casual so then i changed the subject midway theough. whatever#its rly rather funny tho bc it was literally a moment of like Damn the things in my head that tell me i can never tell anybody about my#problems and i have to keep it all to myself and not seek help for anything or horrible awful things will happen to me and everyone i love#avrually were right . so i have to listen to them forever now If i live past this. but funny. great situation for the terrified man#its fine tho. just a girl momenttt and now its fine#i know i dont come off as someone who keeps their issues to themselves LOL but. well. 1 this is online 2 i treat this more as a diary 3 i#only post abt like. Some of the stuff on here. i do actually keep most of it private bc itisnt rly intelligible to anybody but me. you guys#i dont even talk to u guys abt like. the g. or the website. and those r like base fundamentals of what goes on in my head#but its ok. and im not going to tell anybody abt those ever even mentioning them feels a bit wrong. but theyre the like... Easiest to talk#about one supposes.#a2t#jic
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Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button
#keese draws#eternal gales#Ive been thinking abt them a lot lately#theyre my other quote unquote time looper#and those quotes are pretty damn big because its entirely within their own control brute just has time rewinding abilities basically#but they sort of did a self inflicted timeloop to try to save one of their friends (softie)#it was. a rough time.#and spoilers but it didnt end well softie in the current version of reality died as a child#the past timeline stuff is mostly nonexistent within eg proper but sprinkles and tali both get to remember some stuff so good for them#<- bad for them. they do not have a good time#butter (aka current brute) would have remembered if it wasnt for the hastag brain damage#I have a LOT of thoughts and feeling on past timeline stuff but thats either stuff Ive already talked abt or stuff Im too tired to explain#well I've already explained everything in this post before but shhhh I like to imagine newcomers will actually read this#but yeah brute is my beloved they absolutely suck ass at being a timelooper they have no imagination and little patience#two of their group spent the entire period of the loops repeatedly murdering eachother and brute Never found out#all because they were too honed in on like 3 staliens to even consider how weird it was that one or both of them would Always go missing#just sprinkles showing up bleeding out like yeah. looser went to a farm where he can run around and be happy. dont worry abt it.#brute isnt stupid but they are impatient and bad at emotional stuff which makes keeping track of everyones issues hard as hell#theres so much fucking drama going on in this gaggle of teens getting them to not murder eachother is a challenge that even the more#emotionally intelligent characters arouns wouldnt be able to solve without a great deal of struggle#so brute spends a huge deal of it all feeling incredibly lost and frustrated and this leads to them making some rash decisions that make#things get much worse for both them and those around them#their arc with how they view themself over the loops is one of my favorite things abt them#finding yourself only to kill yourself all over again for the sake of those around you and all that jazz#fun fact! butters name comes from back when they were brute!#they had been internally calling themself by that for so long that by the time the brain damage left that was the name that stuck with them#brute just never got to actually use the name fully in their version of reality for a wide variety of reasons#mostly the time loop but also because most of the others wouldnt take it seriously even when they tried#this was mostly because butter is well. a fully english word that doesnt have any stalien equivalent#brute just made some bullshit up to act as their language version of it
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Anyway, hope you're all doing well
I just... I haven't slept and also I've got like... 2-4 days of tumblr to catch up on... mostly to make sure I don't lose anything I want to keep requeuing
In many ways I'm probably doing better than I have been in a long time... maybe ever, but... I've got zero focus, I can barely watch youtube videos, I certainly can't play games... I can't get myself to clean... I don't know man
It's like... it's like my mind's empty except for some thick clear goopy sludge... it's like being over at a strange house sat alone in a big room waiting for people to come back... not wanting to touch anything so you just sit there staring and feeling out of sorts, except it's just constant in my own house in my own room... just saw Bart flop down in front of my door and realized I'm so out of it I forgot I had cats
It's like I'm living every moment in the moment, but not in a peaceful way, in a I'm untethered from reality and trying to figure out plans or how to deal with getting everything sorted out is just kinda painful kinda way
Then my mood... well... I kinda have no mood. I'm fucking numb if I'm honest. I have flavor opinions like "I'm worthless and should kill myself", but I actually don't even feel depressed right now, I feel nothing
I don't see much point to my future even if everything goes great, and I would like to kill myself, but I have zero interest in even considering it right now even though I have everything I need around if I just stand up and take a single step
So... much as it probably sounds like I'm just pure in the trash right now, I'm actually in many ways probably doing better than I ever have before... I'm just also real messed up right now at the same time
I don't feel hopeful, I never feel hopeful, but I do feel like I can maybe guide shit into a good position, it's just once again I figure that even if I do everything I want to with being able to help other people out and stuff, I'll still just kinda end up alone in a crowd
You know... funny thing is I'm thinking "the fuck is even the point I wanted to make?", and I realize... my point was actually that I'm doing pretty good and not to worry... not sure how well I'm selling it, but it's true
I hesitate to assign anything to myself, my stance on me and anything I can't conclusively say tends to be no comment... but if I were looking at someone else describing what I'm feeling in my position, I might be inclined to say burnout... months of having to be on and clean and manage everything and... all that... well it's one explanation, who knows if it's correct
Anyway though, I'm good, don't worry, know I do appreciate you all and wish I had more brain power to say more to more people... it's just maybe kinda sad that this is my version of doing good... the fuck is wrong with me if I wake up everyday feeling like I've been beaten with clubs... and for me this is kinda peak... what's that say about my baseline?
Doesn't matter, only thing to do is keep moving forward
Guess insomnia paired with not really being able to think, like words just kinda pop out with no planning... guess it makes me ramble real bad, this was supposed to be like one or two paragraphs being positive
It's a Beautiful World
#mm tag so i can find things later#to be clear; I'm referencing the Devo song; and if you know the song... that's kinda a negative thing to say#it's a beautiful world... for you... it's not for me#that's the sentiment I express when I say that; just to avoid confusion... though... confusion I can't deny is also kinda the point#I like hiding things in plain sight; I like lies of omission#...but also... is it so bad to try and let people think I'm being more positive than I am seeing as people have a problem with how I am?#makes them sad; you know?#I'm not even meaning to be negative; I'm just trying to lay out my thoughts so people don't have to read my mind#I think people will probably read this and take it as extremely negative but... it more just is#my brain feels broken right now... that's not meant as doom and gloom... just a statement of fact#people always seem to worry about me... but... they kinda... worry about the wrong stuff#...they kinda... it's like if someone was really worried cause I skinned my knee and it looked real gross but was pretty surface#and I just couldn't get them to stop focusing on that and listen to the fact I had internal bleeding and that was much worse#it's not the fact I want to kill myself that's the problem; it's not that I can often be melancholic#it's all the systemic issues going on... the isolation; the... never feeling like I succeed... that kinda thing; you know?#the money and the getting things stabilized#even if life goes perfect and I even somehow get the stuff I think is literally impossible for me to get that I want so bad#...good chance I'll still be kind of melancholic#...but would that really be so bad? if I was just a little glum when it came to me?#despite the fact that with everything that's not me I say 'lets just keep moving forward and change what we can'?#despite the fact I tend to have a very upbeat... lets not dwell on the past; lets see how we can fix the now kinda mindset?#despite the fact I think I must seem a bit stupid and bumbling in person cause I always tend to be kinda 'it is what it is'?#just because I think bad thoughts and you hear how I think on here... my actions aren't enough to outweigh that?#clean all that shit; but I dare to not like myself very much... seems like weighing the two I really am just negative or whatever; eh?#and by god always make sure to tell me to get a therapist even though I'm both working on that and also it won't fix me#if therapy fixed me I'd be fixed at like 14; it's systemic shit; like I said... therapist can just help a bit#...what I really need is for more people to turn towards me a bit more... 20% of the time even... nah I don't want to elaborate#I don't want to phrase that the more understandable way; I want everyone to... miss it... I can't stand to be seen and then ignored... agai#wish people would worry a little less about me and help a little more... mostly by just being company#can't a body fall down stairs in peace? you know?
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guess who got stung by a yellowjacket today???
#I shouldn’t have been at work~ even my fucking owners said we shouldn’t have been open#to which I internally was like ‘motherfuckers YOU OWN THIS BUSINESS!!! YOU CAN CHOOSE TO CLOSE’#anyway. I’m fine honestly#I didn’t even realize it until I was walking away from the nest#I disturbed and felt an itching on my thigh#and went ‘huh. that’s a little painful and itchy. oh dear.’#and yeah. there’s a big old welp there#I’m not allergic or anything so all’s well. but I was just like ‘yeah. that sums up today’#stayed up several hours this morning bc my dad’s stitches ripped and he went to the er to get the bleeding to stop!#and everyone at work was trying to stay awake cause they all had shit going on cause#yesterday was July 4th! nobody slept all night! people tried to celebrate!#why were we open!!!!!!!#anyway prayers I get a new better paying job soon. I’m tired#my posts
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ooooohhh my god. oooooohhhhh my goddddd. i have literally never needed papyrus to make me food so bad in my life.
#cherry chats#im sick as HELL holy shit holy shit#thought my stupid stomach bug had gone. turns out it only left momentarily to get all of its friends so they could have a party in my guts#i literally wish id never been born tjays how bad this shit is#and. i cant eat cause my stomach would kill me if i did but i have a craving for pasta…… lol#when i stop throwing up every 30 minutes. then. then im gonna gobble so much pasta ill die#erm.insert obligatory ‘they pasta way’ joke here. anyway#i just want this to be over :( it hurts so badly…….. waaaahh waaahh waaaaaaaahhhh#<- overdramatic as hell its literally just a regular stomach bug they just havent had a normal illness in over 8 years#edit. k so i realized a little after posting this that its not a regular stomach bug and it is in fact endometriosis#so i guess like. internal bleeding is a pretty reasonable thing to be super whiny about. lol#cause of fucking course i still cant get regular illnesses lmfao its all fucking. painful shit that requires hospital visits or surgery#anyways! im much better now good thing abt endometriosis is despite he fact it sounds super scary its not dangerous ^_^#just hurts like a bitch. lol
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#tag talk#storytime sexcapades#nature is healing (urine color returning back to normal as my freaking body is no longer bleeding inside)#I'm still just.. like... come on that's a little funny right? the fact that I had sex too hard and gave myself internal system trauma#well I think it's pretty funny. and I guess that's what matters most huh.#that moment when you go too hard and can't lift heavy objects for a week after. you know. normal weekend behavior
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