#while there was more than a little blood on the bed because the GI docs needed to see

[tundrakatiebean]

I’m just gonna do a wee ramble in the tags. You can ignore me if you want.

[maximwtf]

“Remember me.”

                                      Cho Sang-woo

                                      “Remember me”

words: 2262

google docs pages: 4

warnings: Dying, blood

opening: You and Sang-woo both get invited to the game, but don’t tell each other. You meet when you both wake up, and play the games together. But in the end it's just the two of you…

AN/ I’d like to say that I have no idea how the squid game at the end works. I read the rules but yet I don't understand.

Not proof read!

                                    “Remember me.”

After you and Sang-woo had eaten your last meals, two beds had been pushed out of the walls. They were on the opposite ends of the room. Both of you exhausted from everything, you had walked up to one of the beds. It was just a tiny bit more comfy than the beds you had slept on before this. The staff members had left one knife for the both of you, but you didn’t think Sang-woo of all people would try to hurt you. You had seen him push off that one man in the last game, but surely he wouldn’t have done that if it had been you, or that’s what you kept thinking to keep your mind calm. 

The lights had gone out a little bit ago, but the small amount of light that was left made it possible to see the other bed. Sang-woo seemed like he was about to fall asleep while sitting, which was a good sign. It hopefully meant that he trusted you enough to feel comfortable to fall asleep. Even though you trust him, you kept the sharp knife near you, just in case. Sang-woo hadn’t felt the same after Gi-Hun had died. 

Even before the game you two had been together. Neither of you had told the other that you had been invited to the game. You were afraid he’d tell you not to go, so you just called the number, but little did you know that sang-woo had gotten the same card. It was only when both of you had woken up with the others that you had realised that both of you were there. Sang-woo seemed to be internally angry that you had come here as well, but he didn’t want to be mean to you so he didn’t say anything. Instead he helped you with the games the best he could, and you did the same to him. And by doing this, it had lead the two of you being the only two left. 

You couldn’t sleep with the thought of what the next game could be swirling in your head. Surely one of you had to die, so the other would get the money. You knew why Sang-woo needed the money, and because of that and the love for him you felt, you thought it was only fair if you just let him win. He had worked so hard to get to this point, it would only be fair.

While all this thinking your eyes had begun to close. Slowly but surely you fell asleep, with the knife next to your hand. What felt like hours passed, and you started to wake up to a noise coming from near your bed. This startled you, and you sat up with the knife in your hand. As your eyes started to focus in the dark, you saw Sang-woo standing near your bed. Your breath hitched. Was he really there to take you out like this?

Before you could say anything, the Korean man leaned over. “I am sorry if I startled you���” He sighed as he looked at you with tired eyes. “I was only thinking, If this is the last game...We could spend the last night together?” Sang-woo suggested quietly. Your body started to slowly relax, and you put down the knife. “I-it’s okay. But..” You thought for a second. You had nothing to lose. You wanted him to win anyway, so even if he killed you now, it wouldn’t matter. “Sure, come here…” You hummed as calmly as you could in this situation. Without another word he climbed under the blanket, next to you. 

There was a moment of silence. Even though you liked the calmness, you had to ask him something. “Sang-woo?” You said quietly, as you looked at your hands. He turned his gaze to you, and hummed as ‘yes’. “I assume you know that one of us will have to lose the next game?” You tried to start without going straight to the point. He tilted his head a little. “Yes. I suppose that has to happen..” He replied, waiting for you to continue. “I want to let you win...We both can’t leave this game alive.” You admitted, and closed your eyes tightly. Sang-woo stayed silent for a little bit before he said anything. Soon you felt him turn you towards him by your shoulders. “Are you insane? I didn’t come all this way to let you die. I did this because I want you to get the price.” He huffed, with a tiny bit of anger in his voice. You opened your eyes, and looked straight at him. “I don’t want the money if I can’t be with you.” Was the only thing you said to him. “I won’t let you go through with this!” He furrowed his brows with anger and worry. You on the other hand didn’t want to continue this conversation. You had made your decision. “I’m sorry…” a sigh left your body as you leaned towards Sang-woo. 

You knew you wouldn't be able to live without him outside the game. Even if you had all the money in the world, it wouldn’t matter if you were alone. You would still miss the times you were outside with him, and as the sun had gone down he would smoke a cigarette as you waited for a bus for an example. No amount of money would fill the hole in your heart.

You both still had some time to sleep, and you would gladly do that now that Sang-woo was next to you. Your head was against his chest, so you could hear his heartbeat. This was most likely the last time you were both going to be like this, ever. The thought of that saddened you. Sang-woo was about to fall asleep with his head resting on top of yours, but he felt you shake a little. He pushed you up by your shoulders so he was able to see your face. 

There were small crystal clear tears falling down your cheeks. “I don’t want to leave..” You cried out a desperate whisper to Sang-woo. His expression looked pained. He was aware that one of you had to go, but he didn’t want that either. “You won’t have to…” He closed his eyes with a sigh. Sang-woo started to stroke your hair gently. “I..you should sleep a little..” He tried to change the subject that seemed to bring down both of your moods. He wiped your tears away with his suit sleeve. He wanted to say something, but couldn’t find anything to add. Due to his cold persona, it was hard for him to comfort anyone, even if it was his lover or a family member. 

You pressed your head back against his chest to hear his heartbeat. It was such a calming sound at this moment. But the thought that this would be the last time you heard it, made you not want to fall asleep. But even though your fighting against tiredness, sleep took over you and you fell asleep against Sang-woo. He was biting his lip to keep his emotions from showing up. Now that you were asleep, he didn’t dare to move at all. There was no time to cry now, he had to be there for you like he had promised at the start. Soon sleep took over him as well. Sang-woo fell asleep with his right arm gently around you, and his head resting on top of yours. 

You both woke up to the guards and staff coming in. They took you to the last room that the 6th game would be held in. You noticed that it was the same room the first game had been held in, but this time there was a pattern on the ground. Before you could say it, the game was announced. The last game was the squid game. You were both given positions in the game,and you were the offense, Sang-woo was the defence.

You took a step closer to Sang-woo before the game started. “I love you.” You said to him as your eyes looked at his for the last time. His eyes never left you, as you started to walk to your spot. 

                                                “Remember me”

And so the game began. You both still had the knives with you. Every time you did something, it seemed like Sang-woo didn’t want to stop you, he wanted you to win. He was supposed to be the defence, but he wasn’t doing any of that. You knew that he had played this game as a kid, even more than you had. So he was aware of what he was doing. 

                                               “Though I have to say goodbye

                                               Remember me”

This wasn’t going anywhere. The VIP’s were getting irritated at you two. They had put money on this game and nothing was happening. The host told the guards to do something about this, before the guests got more irritated. 

                                              “Don't let it make you cry

                                               For even if I'm far away”

The guard with the triangle on their mask pointed a pistol at you. You and Sang-woo stopped. You saw how slowly Sang-woo had realised that he actually had to try and get you killed. You started to move to the other spot. 

                                               “I hold you in my heart

                                               I sing a secret song to you”

The game went on and you had gotten a few bruises. You both had the knives in your hands, but neither of you wanted to do any serious damage. You stopped completely, and stared at Sang-woo, who wasn’t too far away from you. He tilted his head a little, but not enough for anyone but you to notice it.

                                               “Each night we are apart

                                               Remember me”

You lifted the knife up to your neck, your eyes staying on Sang-woo. He soon realised what you were about to do and started to sprint towards you. As he reached to take the knife out of your hand, he startled you, and you quickly moved the knife. 

                                               “Though I have to travel far

                                               Remember me”

The knife slits your throat severely. You started to cough a little, before you collapsed on the sand. Sang-woo dropped on his knees right after you, and tried to lift your head, as his clothes started to get stained with your blood. You knew you didn’t have much time before you would die. Your half closed eyes were scanning Sang-woo’s. His eyes were getting teary by the second.

                                               “Each time you hear a sad guitar”

“I told you I would let you win, why..what!” He yelled the last part, with anger and sadness. Sang-woo knew that he was going to lose you, and these were the last words he was ever going to be able to say to you. The thought of that made him calm down a little. The guards didn’t seem like they were about to shoot you to death, they probably would let you suffer until you died.

                                               “Know that I'm with you

                                               The only way that I can be”

You were both looking at each other in silence, just like the night before this you had. Sang-woo swallowed his tears back before he started to talk. “I love you.” Was all that came out of his mouth. The thought of him not being able to seven bury you saddened him. If he wasn’t cold before coming here, now he would be even worse. You tried to pull a slight smile on your face even though the pain, that was going in waves all around your body. 

                                               “Until you're in my arms again”

Never would have you thought this would end this way. Oh how you now wished that one of you hadn’t called the number, and would now be at home waiting for the other to come back from wherever they were. But now, only one of you would go back to your both’s apartment. 

                                               “Remember me...”

Sang-woo hugged you for the last time. He was being gentle, not to make you go through any more pain. As you were taking your last breaths, you felt it again. Sang-woo’s heartbeat. Last night you had thought that would have been the last time you felt it, but this was the best possible way to go. “Remember me….” You muttered as your body started to go limp. Sang-woo let go of you slowly as the staff started to approach you with the black coffin. His gaze was on the ground, as he started to walk out of the arena with his hands in fists.. Leaving behind the lifeless body, that once had made his otherwise horrid life a little bit more enjoyable.

/AN/ Hello! I’ve seen so many people hate this character for the things he did, but I could never bring myself to hate him no matter what he did. Maybe it’s because he did all the same things I would have done if I was in the same situation, we’ll never know! But i hope you enjoyed this

[decample-blog]

The Green Trial

There was drama. There was heartache. There were flights. But today, finally, I’m in a clinical trial.

In our last episode, I was counting down to my trip to the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, Maryland to screen for admission into a trial. However, my hemoglobin levels cratered. A blood transfusion helped a lot. But getting that bag of backup blood barred me from being able to screen for the trial for another 28 days. Three days before my trip, a staff member called and suggested I just stay home and re-schedule the trip for later. At that point, I had gone more than six weeks without any treatment, so hearing this was a real kick in the liver.

After conferring with my oncologist, and her conferring (fiercely, I’m going to guess) with NIH, I went ahead and made the trip anyway. NIH is huge. A sprawling complex that employs 20,000 people, it was also fortunate enough to be funded in September and avoid the government shutdown. Security is high and the number of people they process through their clinical center is impressive. The clinic I visited was on the 13th floor, because science laughs at your triskaidekaphobia.

Met an NIH oncologist who gave me new hope. A slot in a second trial I qualified for had opened. If I passed the analysis of my CT scan, I could start within a week. This drug was also an oral chemo with fewer documented side effects. It was also brand new. I would have been patient #3. While having less data made it riskier, I kind of liked that. If I’m going to become part of the Great Experiment of national cancer research, let’s go big or go home. I headed back to Little Rock, ready to hear news two days later.

And the call came. From the outset, the oncologist’s tone was very apologetic. The open slot in the new trial… was filled while he and I were meeting about it. Heartbreak. The one silver lining: this doc was now an advocate for me and wanted to find something else. And he did.

Tuesday, I came back to Bethesda and screened. All blood levels were good enough for this third trial. I was enrolled and am writing this from a hospital bed where I’m being kept for my first two doses. The drug is a “sister drug” of the last one I missed. It’s administered orally and this is the best way I can describe it.

All our cells have instruction book on how to cell. Oh, you’re a muscle cell? Here’s what you do as a muscle cell. When cancer attacks, it blocks the part of the cell’s instruction book that tells it how to fight this space invader. In other words, the cancer deactivates the cell’s ability to resist.

This experimental drug essentially goes to cells and says “Hey, idiot, look at Chapter 12! You know how to fight this devil.” It turns Charles Lee cells into Marquis de Lafayettes. As a re-activation drug, it should (please) be less harsh on my body than previous traditional chemo lines. It’s also very new, with fewer than 30 people signed up so far. Part of the trial is figuring out exactly how the drug does the voodoo it does.

And I’m ready for fewer side effects. The time without treatment (10 weeks) meant more pressure from tumor fluid on my GI tract and the inability to put weight on my suddenly too-skinny frame. Hopefully that changes soon. Of course, there’s no way to know, because this is, after all, an experiment. Science!

I’ll be back and forth to Maryland for a few days at a time, less frequently as the cycles go on, unless there are unexpected developments. Bethesda is the new front in the cancer war and it won’t always have the 1˚ wind chill it had upon arrival. I didn’t order the cryo-therapy, thank you.

Here I lie reclined on the frontier of yet another Undiscovered Cancer Country. Even more than usual, no one knows what comes next. I’ll just keep betting with house money until the next thing happens.

Musically, TWO fight songs for the new trial. First, my favorite track from the all-around bangin’ Spider-Man: Into the Multiverse soundtrack. Then, since some readers have wanted more mainstream artists, some recent Imagine Dragons. Man, what’s it like to be in the mainstream? It’s been awhile.