#it's hard to deal with things when my symptoms are very strong

[annarobszombies]

Hi! I really enjoy your style to write and the thoughts of Dr. Stone you share with us! I especially love the idea of mythological creatures being real in Stone World!

I was rewatching Dr. Stone and noticed something in the episode where Stanley shoots the gun while Xeno watched and Stan didn't hit the target perfectly in the middle. Xeno just talked happily while Stanley observed the gun like searching a fault in the weapon itself in dissappointment until he noticed the tobacco plant.

That reminded me that during nicotine withdrawal some people may experience shaky hands and I'm just head-canoning that he's so depending on it that he isn't in his best aim without it and even after a long pause still feels the effect so Xeno assumes this is the case and that's why he guides Stanley how to make tobacco.

I haven't found others talking about this or I might have missed that entirely since that episode came out a while ago but I can't stop thinking about this detail.

To the actual request, if you have time and like the idea, would you write Xeno dealing with Stanley when he is experiencing strong withdrawal symptoms that messes up his work flow and is very dissapointed and harsh to himself about it but Xeno intervenes and confronts him?

Take your time if you decide to put this on your work pile! Wishing your weekend treats you well! ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

This actually catches me at the best possible time, since most of the requests I've been working on are finished and in my queue to come out over the next couple of days.

So, here's the thing about quitting smoking suddenly from someone who's done it. It sucks. You get shaky and irritated (among other things), and even though the withdrawal eventually fades, it's miserable while it's happening.

I'm not sure this is totally what you asked for, but I had fun with it

"Dammit!"

Xeno halts mid-step, head turning to find Stanley glaring at one of the targets made to keep his skills sharp. It was late, the soldier should be preparing for bed, not lingering out here while the sun continues to fall.

"Stanley," Xeno calls, noting immediately how stiff his friend gets. Stan glances over, an unhappy expression pressed into his normally calm face.

"...hey."

"Are you alright?" Xeno asks.

Stan doesn't respond, looking away again. His gaze lands on the target in front of him. Xeno glances at it as well, frowning a bit when he notices that not a single bullet hit the center, as they always used to.

"I see." Stanley hadn't needed to say anything for Xeno to understand. "Withdrawals?"

"Guess so," Stanley tucks his hand into his pocket, letting out an annoyed huff when he doesn't find the cigarettes he was still so used to having on him at all times.

"It won't be for much longer. The human body only takes up to four weeks on average to reorient after ceasing intake of nicotine," Xeno says. "You've been doing quite well."

"Well?" Stanley asks, turning to look at him. "I'm doing well?"

"Are you not?"

"Xeno, I can't fuckin' aim," Stanley's accent slips from him as he loses hold of his calm. "My hands won't stop shakin', I can't sleep, and my fuckin' head hurts all the time! I'm useless like this!"

Xeno reels back a little, eyebrows furrowing.

"Why did you not say something? I could have been more helpful to you," Perhaps it's a bit selfish, but Xeno can't help feeling a bit hurt that his potential to give aid had been overlooked. Stanley lets out an annoyed noise, scrubbing a hand over his face.

"Because it's not your problem," He says, earning himself a hard look.

"It very much is," Xeno says.

"Xen-"

"You are my oldest friend and greatest companion, how could I not be affected by your struggles? It may not be my addiction, but your problems are, have, and always will be my problems." He leaves no room for argument, though with how Stanley's spine straightens and his eyes narrow, he knows the man is certainly ready to try.

"And, if I may add," Xeno continues, before Stanley can open his mouth. "You are the farthest thing from useless. You are the most competent person besides me in this wretched little place. I would not be able to do anything if it wasn't for you. Shaking hands, or not."

Stanley lets out a hard breath, his shoulders loosening a little as he takes in Xeno's words, mentally digesting them and allowing for them to calm his stirring mind.

"Yeah, alright," Stanley mumbles, turning back to the target. He lifts his hand, holding the revolver as steady as his hands would currently allow (which, Xeno admits to himself, isn't much), and pulls the trigger.

The bullet hits the target dead center.

"Getting better already," Xeno teases, earning himself a huffed out chuckle.

Xeno allows himself to get closer to his companion, eyes scanning Stanley's body as the man reloads the gun and starts back at his practice. It's not just his hands that shake, but his knees and breathing as well. Stanley was certainly doing his best, but he still had a long way to go before his body accepted this new state of being.

His eyes catch something nearby. A familiar plant.

The sight of it makes Xeno frown. The moment Stanley caught sight of it, he'd want it. More than anything else, he'd want the naturally growing tobacco to feed the habit he was doing his hardest to fight.

The target pings when a bullet goes astray, just barely hitting it on the very edge, and Xeno decides not to say anything.

For now, anyway.

[autisticayano]

yandere simulator ayano art

and also kind of a rewrite thing that i have in mind at the end of the art stuff

lo and behold ayano art (done with mouse!) the uniform is ib one of the concepts of yk the uniform. i found the idea super cute and i always wanted to draw it and now i did!!

(also take this as a better redesign compared to the old one,, i feel like my style for ayano is very inconsistent but what i have now is more her ykwim?? that doesnt mean i dont like to put her in pretty clothing though. she deserves it and i like making her wear stuff shown here and here,, you can see the difference in art style but nevertheless its still ayano)

the uniform concept vv

getting into the why this outfit instead of the regular one they have: i simply think this is way cuter! it gives a better vibe compared to og

rewrite concept section

i think ayano would be relatively the same. she still starts off as practically emotionless girl barely feeling anything but the complex secondary emotions on a small scale (bitterness for example). in this she's also autistic and has OLD. (bear with me bear with me). (i also like "aishi condition" aspect i wont lie because of the supernatural undertones of being cursed is actually cool but in this it's more like an add-on than anything) like in her lore video her childhood was not the best and she felt nothing. she didn't feel guilt, she didnt feel as if she were real and she felt as if she were an abomination throughout her childhood because there was something 'wrong' with her. in this rewrite concept, the doctors werent specialized in dealing with OLD (because its not medically recognized as a problem) or autism (afabs are typically masking and are often cast aside when looking for diagnosis because majority of researchers use amabs symptoms specifically instead of looking at the whole spectrum) because of this she was bullied and seen as "not normal" by her peers. (people find her off-putting still in akademi because they arent able to read her face since she's masking like all the time unless she's with taro) in this i imagine that ryoba claims its a condition that majority of the women in their family faces (they just arent diagnosed) and that she will find something that will help "complete" ayano in the future. and so not only does she have trouble unmasking, she still feels as if something (someone) is missing within her life. this is what she thinks because it was what ryoba also went through. that "something" is eventually found out to be taro.

upon bumping into him and her being faced with kindness it made ayano fall in love with taro. because she's never felt this way about anyone before,, she feels extremely overwhelmed being near him and gets extremely nervous and whatnot. (sometimes if she gets too close her emotions are actually SO overwhelming and everything is happening so fast that she verges on a mental breakdown) essentially being around taro makes ayano feel like she isnt hiding behind a mask that she cant drop AND makes her feel like a normal person (for the most part anyway, she still is easily overwhelmed.) unfortunately, due to OLD she's faced with some intrusive thoughts and feeling of possessiveness especially around other people that like taro because she feels like her only source of being normal will be ripped away from her.

i think that ayano in this concept would be angry towards the rivals, yes, but not enough to genuinely commit murder. (barely anyway. intrusive thoughts are very strong and its hard sometimes to fight the urge to give in) sometimes she would have the weapon, poison etc etc in her hand but when she's near her target an overwhelming sense of disgust washes over herself. ayano rationalizes it by talking to herself that "taro would be upset and would probably reject me if i killed her" or "taro might come in here and-" basically she uses taro as her pillar of support even if its her own feelings that make her disgusted in herself.

that doesn't mean she's not weirdly possessive over taro. she borders on basically stalking him because being near his presence is enough to make her day better (as i said before- the masking is easier to go away because taro's presence is calming)

on another another note, ayano is bisexual and asexual here,, if taro were taeko she'd still be the same way. she doesn't want to have children because in her mind she doesn't see a point to it. she thinks that her child has a high possibility of coming out like her and thats a thought she wants to entertain. plus sex is so whatever.

notes:

ayano is 5'7,, both jokichi (6'0) and ryoba (5'8) have taller genes on both sides of their family compared to the avg height.

ayano's favorite color is pink and gray. pink because that color stands out more when she's with taro, and gray because its taro's favorite color

while she doesn't actively kill people she's still not on the morally just side of things. in this concept one of the worst things was kidnap musume for ransom in order to indebt kokona to her or drugging a couple people (#girlthings)

she has above average grades but she isnt an insane genius prodigy like kaga or whatever.

she is (unwillingly) in the student handbook for a uniform guide (you would think it would be the student council but they have a totally different uniform so)

she still killed that cat like in the lore video

this isnt really important compared to the rest but she only eats vegetables raw

she DOES end up with taro. they get married in the future even.

she's still a lil freak tho (pos)

happy reading!

[starbunii]

Sorry if this is against the rules, but can I get HCs of Kokichi, Sonia, Tenko, Hiyoko, and Mikan with a fem!S/O who has Huntington's Disease? It's totally cool if not!! Totally understand this is a squick kind of topic!! If not all those characters, then Just Kokichi and Sonia is fine, but again, no pressure!! <3

ooo i would love to write this one!! ty for requesting it, i've never gotten sm characters in 1 req before! i'll organize them alphabetically :3c

danganronpa characters x fem!reader with huntington's disease !!

im sorry if i didnt portray it properly! i researched to the best of my ability!

+ ° . ୨ ♡ ୧ . °

╰╮🩰🧁〣 ♡ 〢🥛

hiyoko saionji

when you first meet, she kind of just makes fun of you, not quite understanding that you can't control the twitching and moving

hiyoko, being hiyoko, will make fun of you at first (bc of course she would)

however, once you explain everything, she'll make an effort to understand!

if you forget something, she'll politely remind you (if she remembers)

might tease you if you forget something important, but nothing too mean

rlly tries being patient, which is hard. but she loves you so much that she tries anyway

kokichi ouma

he rlly doesn't question it too much when you first meet

he's met a lot of different types of characters, being the leader of D.I.C.E and all, so someone with Huntington's? not a big deal

might tease you from time to time, but nothing too mean

he knows you can't always control the way you move, so he tries not to dwell on it too much

keeps an eye on you while you're eating, given that having trouble swallowing can be a symptom

if anyone looks at you weird, he'll fight them! or at least try to

mikan tsumiki

like kokichi, she doesn't seem to mind or be too bothered by it

she's a nurse; she's seen a lot of things and is well aware of what Huntington's is

the occasional jerk or twitch might startle her if she's not expecting it; but overall, she doesn't mind too much

very wary if your hands are twitching, just because of her past traumas

however, if it's your face that twitches more, she doesn't care too much

if it's getting frustrating or too uncomfortable, she'll gladly comfort you!!

doesn't mind if you forget things; bc she does too

if you have a wheelchair, she'll push you around wherever you want to go, even if she's not that strong

startled at first; but after asking a few (million) questions, she'll understand

since she's been sheltered most of her life, she doesn't understand a lot of outside experiences, but she is more than willing to learn

will ask you how you cope with it all, and will assist the best she can!!

she'll happily drive you to physical therapy in her expensive sportscar, making sure you're happy and comfortable the whole way there

you are spoiled like a little princess <33

tenko chabashira

immediately sees you as someone she needs to take great care of

a girl? with an incurable disease that causes her to twitch and forget things? yeah, she's all over you, helping out the best she can

writes things down for you, even if it's something you know you can probably remember yourself

sometimes she just needs a strong "no, im ok" or a "no, i can do this myself" to remember that you've got everything

will 100% carry you if you get tired, or just don't want to walk!!

tries to do her best to support you physically

knows insomnia is a symptom, and will take naps with you just to make sure you go to sleep

she's ready to wake up when you do <3

starbunii 2024 — all rights reserved. do not redistribute or translate to any other platforms -- thank you for reading !

[qfzeeph]

♡Kaito (Vocaloid) x Reader/Master HCs [4]♡

Hey guys! As many of you know, April is Sexual Assualt Awareness Month. I myself am a SA survivor with (ongoing evaluation, but and I quote "very likely") PTSD, and I take a lot of comfort in the idea that my favorites would take care of me since many people in real life who assured they would have failed to do so. I've been... kind of afraid to post these since they are very personal to me and I wasn't sure what kind of response this would envoke. If this doesn't really resonate with you, I appreciate the fact you're willing to read through it anyway. If it does, I hope it brings you as much comfort as it brings me.

So For the Fourth installment of this series, I'd like to write about Kaito taking care of a SA survivor with PTSD symptoms similar to mine.

I think this goes without saying, but CW for mentions of SA and talk of PTSD-Related things.

☆When you finally open up to him about what happened to you, it breaks his heart. He can't believe someone would even think about doing that to you.

☆Kaito is extremely considerate of your boundaries. He’s not one to push or try and “make you get over it,” if it makes you uncomfortable he wants no part of it.

☆ Kaito is also a fantastic listener. If you need to spill and cry out about things that have happened, he’s going to hold you close and give you all the comfort and love he can. Moving forward is not always easy, especially when memories plague you. He’s going to do his very best to comfort you and remind you that you’ll always be safe in his arms. And it doesn’t matter how many times he has to tell you that, he always will without fuss or question. He wants to make you feel as safe as possible and understands that the traumatic memories can and will come back to haunt you, oftentimes against your will.

☆Speaking of, you having flashbacks or resurgances of traumatic memories are never a “mood killer” or off putting to him. It’s something that unfortunately happens, and that’s okay. If you need physical space during these times, he’ll happily give it. If you’d rather have him hold you close and hug you until it passes, he’ll gladly oblige to that as well. Whatever helps you is what he’s going to do.

☆ If you’re the type who wants to reclaim what has been taken from you, he’s gladly going to do whatever he can to help you, on your terms of course. He understands how hard this is for you and how important reclamation can be. If at any point things go too far for you, he’ll gladly stop right away no matter what. YOUR comfort and safety comes before his enjoyment.

☆ If you’re completely sex repulsed, he’s 100% okay with that too! Kaito loves you for you after all. Being a part of your life is more than enough to satisfy him to begin with.

☆He'll always, always, always be there for you. No matter what. You could tell him anything about what's on your mind and why it's bothering and he'll sit there and listen and talk you through it no matter how in depth or graphic it is. Kaito loves you unconditionally no matter what. You'll always be his darling despite your battle scars.

☆Kaito thinks you're incredibly strong and brave at the end of it all, you're still here despite everything and he's so proud of you for continuing to push forward. And he'll never let you forget that he's proud of you either.

Well, that's about all for this post. Thank you so much for reading through to the end. Again, reiterating these are based off of things I personally have to deal with in terms of trauma-related memory resurgances and things that would make me comfortable and I understand that may not be the same for everyone who's gone through something like this. Remember to take care of your friends who are survivors, and to take care of yourself as well if you've gone through this hell as well. Stay strong out there, I believe in you and so does Kaito!

[fibro-memes]

I really appreciate this blog. Recently I got into an argument with my mother which basically amounted to her (I'm so many words) telling me I'm not sick. She's been doing that all my life, really. She didn't believe me when I said I had severe ear pain and I ended up losing hearing in that ear from the ear infection I had been suffering from for months. But this time really hurt extra. She needs me to do something that I am nearly incapable of doing. It involves driving an hour to my childhood home to pack up my bedroom so my sister can have it. I want to go get my things, but between it being winter and the fact that I've been working full time, I haven't made it over there in ages. She's now given me a two month deadline. I tried explaining to her why I haven't been able to do what she wants, but she refuses to believe I'm actually experiencing my symptoms. I'm not sure she'd even believe a formal diagnosis at this point. I told her the symptoms exist whether or not a doctor has told me what I have, and she stopped answering me after that.

After that, I came onto this blog to reassure myself that I'm not alone, that fibro is a real and chronic illness, and that I don't need to listen to a woman who I have all but entirely removed from my life for a reason. So I just wanted to thank you for keeping up with this blog. It means so much to me.

Awwww first of all, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, and honestly, I just want to give you a big hug right now. It is literally the worst when those closest to us (whether it be blood or otherwise) don't understand and refuse to believe/accept our symptoms/illnesses/limitations/etc. And yet, it is so common. So many people have been right where you are, and unfortunately been made to feel the same way. But please always remember that YOU know your body better than anyone, and no one, not even a parent or a doctor, can tell you what you are feeling and experiencing. This crap is VERY real and VERY hard and you are doing so much better than you think...I promise!

I need you to know that you are not alone. I know it feels like it sometimes, especially when people around you don't understand, but I promise you aren't. I (and millions of others!) understand how you feel and are right there with you. This is real and not in your head and not your fault. You are amazing and strong for even just getting through the day, because even that can be so much harder than people realize. Please be gentle with yourself, I promise you deserve it!

Lastly, always remember that I am here if you ever need anything or want to chat or whatever...because like I said, you are NEVER alone! 💜💜💜

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

who in tr do you think would be the best s/o for someone who's normally a really reliable and strong person but has a hard time and tries to hide Bipolar symptoms?

I feel like a few of them could fit but these were the first five that came to mind

Mikey

Is known to be very perceptive of the people around him, he can tell you're hiding something from him and immediately wants to know what. 

He asks Draken for advice and is told to ask but not push you too hard.

Comes round to your house the next day, bringing snacks and asking to hang out. He brings up his concerns during this time.

"I can tell somethings bothering you, that you're hiding something from me, from all of us. You can tell me yknow, I just want to help"

He knows what it's like to hide a part of yourself from everyone else so understands and tries to help in any way he can.

Baji

Can tell when something is bothering you and has seen others try to act strong enough times that he can recognise the behaviour in you.

Is very upfront about it, straight up asking you.

"Oi you've been acting differently, somethings wrong so what is it?" 

Sits and listens if you want to talk, despite how upfront he is, he generally cares and listens to anything you have to say, asking questions if he needs to.

Pats you on the arm after, telling you how he knows what it's like to feel like you have to do everything alone. Then reassures you that it's not true. He's there for you as well as everyone else. 

Chifuyu

He's not doing this again, he's already gone through all of this with Baji trying to do everything alone. He won't let you go through the same thing.

Sits down next to you and starts telling you secrets, all kinds of things from his life. Then asks you not to hide any part of yourself from him. He doesn't ask exactly what's wrong but he does make it clear that you two can trust each other. He trusts you to tell him yourself.

After he pulls you close to him, hugging you and tells you everything is going to be ok.

Smiley

Knows what it's like to need to be strong and to have a part of yourself which makes you feel like you're not strong. When he notices you hiding things he's concerned. He sees you as perfect so why hide things?

Tells you that whatever it is you're going through, you don't have to fight alone. He loves fighting so let him help fight your demons too. 

Makes a deal with you after, that you both will be more unapologetically yourselves and show each other the different sides of you more.

Kakucho

He's attentive and used to caring for Izana including noticing changes in behaviours. So he spots you hiding things straight away. He doesn't act straight away though, instead he observes you for a few days, trying to decide how to bring it up. 

Pulls you towards him one day, kissing you on the cheek and telling you how much he adores you. All of you. Tells you he knows you're hiding something but that you don't have to tell him. Whatever it is he loves that part of you too. 

Wants to help with whatever it is, all he wants is for you to be happy. "Meeting you has changed my life, you're always there for me so let me be there for you"

[d1xonss]

Desert Rose

Chapter 49 ~ Blood runs Thicker than Water

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 4

✧ Word Count : 5.4k

In this chapter ~ Daryl and the others waste no time rushing out of the prison's gates to find the medication that they needed to keep everyone breathing. But things continue to run a bit rocky back in cellblock A as a few fought to stay alive.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ROSE POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After Daryl ran off, I finally allowed myself to crumble, letting the tears that were building up slide effortlessly down my cheeks. The last thing I wanted was to break down in front of him, but it hurt to see how upset he was. I found that was just another reason why I dreaded to tell him, because I couldn't handle the look on his face. But yet I would treasure that moment between us like it was the last because for all I knew, it could be. That right there could be the very last time I ever saw him, and it terrified me.

A pair of arms then wrapped around my shoulders, turning my head back to see Glenn holding me close to him as I cried softly. He wordlessly started to pull me back and up the stairs to the cell we were once occupying, gesturing back down to the bed in front of us. I slowly sat down with shaky legs, suddenly feeling very tired as I began to wipe the tears from my face. It felt as though the weight of the world was suddenly on my back and I couldn't help but slump down further on the mattress, feeling emotionally exhausted.

"Wait here a second." he said before swiftly leaving the cell.

A scoffed passed through my lips, "Where else would I go?" I muttered sarcastically to myself.

I steadily readjusted so I was lying flat on my back and facing the ceiling, pulling myself together as much as I could before he came back. Until I started coughing a bit, but on the bright side, I didn't feel the rush of blood coming up from my lungs. Progress. I was still struggling to breathe and I felt clammy and gross, but I was still alive. Even more progress.

I tried to stay positive that I would make it through this, but I just didn't know with how unpredictable this illness could be. Everyone that seemed to be going through it had horrible different symptoms, some lasting longer than others. I just didn't know how long I could hang on considering some people around me were dying out within merely a few hours.

Glenn then trailed back in slowly with two pillows and a blanket under his arm, setting them down on the floor next to the mattress I was laying in. He arranged them to make a little makeshift bed and eventually maneuvered himself on top of it, his eyes glancing up toward the ceiling as well as he let out a tired breath.

My brows furrowed as I sat up a bit on my elbows to stare at him, "What are you doing?"

He glanced over at me and gave me a tired smile, "I don't want you to be alone."

"But you're sick too, you need a real bed. You need to rest." I gently argued.

"I just want to be next to you," he shrugged, "Deal with it."

I laughed quietly, seeming to have no choice but to nod my head in agreement, silently grateful that he was the one by my side during all of this. He always knew how to make me laugh, how to comfort me, how to just be there for me. Even when we both felt like absolute hell.

"I love you." I said suddenly.

He looked back over at me and smiled, "I love you too."

A small smile crept back onto my face as I felt my eyelids become heavy, darkness slowly filling my vision before I drifted off. My body not being able to handle all the different things at once.

I remember tossing and turning a lot. My heart racing and a bead of sweat forming on my brow from how hard I was trying to fight off the illness that took over. My chest felt heavy with every heave of a breath, as if someone had sat themselves down on top of me. It all felt like some kind of vivid dream.

Though I didn't know how much time had ticked by before I suddenly felt the strong urge to cough my lungs out, shooting up to hunch over the side of the bed. So much for trying to get some sleep.

Glenn sat up when he heard me struggling and moved to sit next to me, patting my back gently to try and get all of it out of my system. I gagged and struggled to catch my breath, groaning in disgust before eventually being able to breathe somewhat normally again, trying to take some deep breaths as I felt his hand rubbing softly on the fabric of my shirt.

"You okay?" he asked in concern.

I hummed in response, "Peachy." I rasped as I glanced back up at him with a smile.

I laid back down, but he didn't make any attempt to move back to the floor, so I kicked my legs back up and sprawled them across his lap. The two of us just spaced out mindlessly in the silence as if it was our first time doing drugs, except the experience was something awful. My mind wandered, a small giggle coming from me as I thought.

He perked up, "What?"

My laughter died down and I looked at him, "I'm just thinking...about how sad it is that this is what's going to kill me. I mean imagine dying from a cold, it's pretty pathetic." I laughed again to a point where I coughed a few more times.

He shook his head, "This isn't what's going to kill you. You're not going to die, and neither am I." he said while taking my hand.

"I am," I said seriously and then looked back to him, "I can almost feel it."

"Stop." he said.

"I just think it's stupid," I continued, "I mean, what a way to go. I would've preferred to die by... falling off a cliff, or...in a giant explosion. But not by a cold."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "Have you thought about this before?"

"No, I just pulled those out of my ass," I said honestly, "Being in here in the quiet doesn't exactly help with the overthinking."

He nodded his head, "Yeah no kidding-" he started, but was cut off when he then started to cough pretty badly.

I sat up immediately and patted his back like he'd done for me, growing even more concerned when I was witnessing it versus when it was happening to me. The coughs didn't die down until we both saw the blood trickling across his hand, and it made my eyes go wide. It was a lot.

He turned towards me when they stopped, "I'm okay." he assured breathlessly, cringing as he swallowed thickly, his throat no doubt feeling like sandpaper.

"Neither of us are okay, I think we can stop lying to each other now." I spoke.

He nodded his head, "Okay." he agreed weakly.

I found myself nodding right along with him, leaning on him slightly as we let the silence take over again. Though it was never fully silent. There would always be someone coughing, fighting for their life, or something of the sort only a couple cells away from the one that we shared. The constant noises only scaring us more than we already were. Silently knowing we would both only get worse, maybe to a point of no return.

Both of our heads turned towards the entrance suddenly when someone began to come into view, Hershel stepping inside the room quickly with two cups in his hands. He wordlessly got down to our level and handed the glasses to each of us, pointing as he finally spoke.

"Drink." he said sternly.

I stared at him for a minute as I took what he handed over, noticing the bandana missing from his face, "Where's your mask?"

"Got blood on it, and I don't have another one. Drink." he said again.

I sat up slightly and both Glenn and I started drinking whatever the hell he had made. It tasted bitter, leaving a stinging sensation on my tongue, but if it would make me feel at least a little better, I would drink five cups of it. I finished it quickly in just a few gulps but for Glenn it was a little harder for him to get it down, coughing roughly again as he wasn't able to chug the entire glass.

"This sucks." he muttered, leaning his head back against the wall with a sigh.

I silently agreed as I nodded, "After everything we've been through, this is what wrecks us?" I got slightly irritated at the thought. We had been through hell and back and my stubborn ass wasn't ready to die like this, but I especially didn't want Glenn to die like this. I would put him before me any day.

"Don't say things like that...don't even think things like that." Hershel lightly scolded as he placed a cool wet rag on my forehead, and I sighed at the feeling as I took it from his hands.

"We got this far somehow, you can believe somehow. We all have jobs here, and that one is both of yours." he finished.

We both looked at him with understanding and he grabbed both of our hands to give them a squeeze. I knew he believed that we would push through, I could practically see the hope behind his eyes. His reassurance was something that I could tell we both really needed right about now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DARYL POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was beyond frustrated. We managed to blow through a whole day because we lost our only vehicle in the midst of hundreds of walkers, somehow getting surrounded on our way to the clinic which wasted more time that we didn't have. A part of me was scared that this set back would change everything, worrying me to the point of no return as I feared we wouldn't make it back on time. Though I knew that woman was tougher than nails, her stubborn ass fighting as much as she could. Even if her hope was diminished.

We had managed to find another car since shit hit the fan, but it needed to be fixed up before it could start running again. Though somehow by the grace of God, we managed to find a new battery inside of a nearby building, a rundown auto shop, and I wasted no time as I began working on the piece of shit right away. I moved fast under the hood of the car, barely speaking or thinking anything at all as I worked quickly so we could get back onto the road.

Everyone knew how on edge I was, and they all understood why. But I tried my best not to show how worried I became even if they could already tell. Worrying wouldn't get me there any faster.

"Ya never told us bout the group you were with before." I suddenly spoke to Bob, lighting cigarette that dangled from my mouth, trying to get away from the awkward silence.

His frame leaned against the structure of the building as he waited patiently, watching me work as he scoffed at my comment, "Which one?" he asked.

I didn't open my mouth again as I shrugged, moving back to adjust the wires before hearing him continue anyway, "You know, when you found me out on that road, I almost kept walking."

"Why's that?" I asked absentmindedly.

He sighed, "Cause I was done being a witness. Two times...two different groups. I was the last one standing, like I was supposed to see it happen over and over, like some kind of curse."

This caused me to stop momentarily to actually look at him as he kept talking, "But when it's just you out there with the quiet...used to be I'd drink a bottle of anything just so I could shut my eyes at night. Figured the prison, the people, thought it'd be easier. But the run to the Big Spot... it did it for me."

"Ya gotta keep busy." I muttered while taking a swig of water.

"No. I did it so I could get me a bottle. Of anything. I picked it up, I held it in my hand, but I put it down. I put it down so hard it took the whole damn shelf with it. That's what brought on the walkers. That's what got Zach killed. And that's what almost got your girl crushed."

My eyes snapped back up to him, staring at him in disbelief that he was the reason everything went to shit during that run. He started the whole damn thing. The walkers could've started to fall through at any point, but that wasn't the point. The incident led to us losing one of our people, and it could've cost us even more if we hadn't made it out of there as quick as we did. I grew angry, thinking back to how the whole thing could've been avoided and settled with looking away from him. Knowing if I didn't, I surely wouldn't stop once I started.

He noticed the tense silence that passed over us at his sudden confession, glancing back in paranoia that the others would hear from just a few feet away. I scoffed as I watched him out of the corner of my eye, my jaw clenching slightly.

"Make yerself useful, get in there and try the engine. It's the red and green wire, it ain't rocket science." I spoke lowly, my eyes staying down as I heard him move over to the driver's seat.

My ears perked up as I listened, hearing the vehicle struggle a bit before it eventually started after the second try, feeling a wave of relief wash over me now that we had an actual ride. I whistled twice to get Michonne and Tyreese's attention so we could finally get going, watching as they quickly stood and headed towards the running car.

Though I could feel Bob's eyes on me, expecting me to almost say something to him about what he had just admitted. The thing that took a lot for him to say out loud to me.

I sighed heavily as I glanced back down to him, "Ya couldn't have known what was gonna go down. But that don't make the situation any less fucked up. And it definitely don't mean m' just gonna somehow forget about this whole conversation."

He slowly nodded in understanding, looking back down to the ground as he moved to let me be the one to take the wheel. The second the last person shut their door, I pressed firmly on the gas and took off down the long road. Attempting to somehow get there faster, even though I knew it would be hours before we got back to the prison.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ROSE POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Time was ticking by impossibly slow, yet everything seemed to be happening so fast as an entire day seemed to pass and there was still no sign of Daryl and the others. I began to feel even worse than before; my muscles ached and my eyelids were constantly heavy, while the blood I constantly coughed up never seemed to die down. I was up for most of the night throwing it up in a bucket that was placed beside my bed. The fever was like hell fire on my head, but Hershel's herb tea did help at least a little. But even with all of that happening, I was more worried about Daryl than I was about myself.

Anything could've happened to him out there and when he didn't come back as quickly as he said he would, I couldn't help but worry. If I knew my man at all, I knew he was far from fucking around when it came to this. Imagining him flying down streets and shoving whatever medication he could into varies of bags to bring back to the rest of us. But that wasn't the case this time. It had been far too long, and I couldn't bear to think about the different possibilities. Though Glenn and Hershel both tried to reassure me that everything was fine and it was probably only just a minor bump in the road, I hardly believed them at all.

My tired bloodshot eyes scanned through the pages of my book that Hershel had offered to grab for me, giving me something to do for the long and painful hours I was trapped in here. I was somewhat enjoying the quiet as Glenn had been off talking to Maggie, speaking through the large window in order to keep a safe distance from one another. I knew she had to be worried sick about him.

Though I found myself getting antsy about how everyone else was doing. Maggie, Beth, Carl, Judith, I was even worried about Rick even though we haven't talked since the whole Tyreese incident happened. I only hoped I would be able to see all of them again soon enough, and not through a thick slice of glass.

An echoed knock was heard from outside my room, making my eyes glance up to see Glenn standing in the doorway looking a little paler, yet still managed a small smile, "Maggie said she wants to see you too." he said.

I nodded and slowly stood up, gritting my teeth when I did so as my legs felt like they were about to give out from under me, "Do you want help?" he asked softly.

"No," I breathed, "I'm okay."

He nodded, slightly moving out of the way so I could make my way out to see her. I gripped onto every wall and railing like it was a lifeline, not trusting myself enough to be able to stand upright on my own as I slowly but surely made it toward the window. I was excited at the opportunity to see her, knowing that just a little more human interaction would lift my spirits a bit more.

When I finally got closer to the glass, I could clearly see how nervous she was, and when her eyes finally landed on me, she let out a small gasp at my appearance. Lord only knew how terrible I truly looked.

"Hey, babe." she greeted softly, her eyes following me as I sat down on the nearby chair.

I mustered a small smile, "Hi,-" I tried to speak but all it did was cause another cough attack, seeing her cringe out of the corner of my eye upon seeing me like this.

She sighed softly as my breathing began to regulate again, "You're getting worse." she stated worriedly.

I waved her off, "Eh, I'm still standing...well...not right now," I gestured towards the chair, "But you get the point." I tried to joke.

She shook her head with a small scoff at my words, "Somehow I knew you would try and make a joke out of this." she lightly scolded, "God...I've been so worried about you."

"The feeling's mutual." I said honestly.

She scoffed, "Honey, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me...not while you're in here fighting this. It was like pulling teeth to get Beth to stay back in quarantine instead of coming out here to see you."

I couldn't help but smile, "How's she doing?"

"Worried just as much as I am." she stated like it was a fact, "Everyone around here misses you a whole lot you know." she smiled sadly.

I let out a soft breath, "Believe me...I miss you guys too. How are they? Everyone else?"

"Carl's just fine; he's been helping out as much as he can around here, my guess is to try and keep his mind off of everything. Judith has been staying with Beth in one of the offices, trying to keep as far away from everyone as possible. And um...Rick just took Carol out on a run to get some more food for cellblock D." she listed.

"Hm...seems like everyone's been busy." I replied.

"Yeah," she nodded, "Anything to help out, and...not think too much about what's been going on." she spoke before pausing hesitantly. I could almost read the question on her face, smiling a little to myself as I answered her without her uttering another word.

"He's okay." I promised, referring to Hershel whom she hadn't seen in what felt like forever. "He's tough...been busting his ass to make sure everyone's comfortable around here."

She nodded, "I'm glad. I just...I wish he wasn't putting himself at risk like this, you know? But he's always been one for helping anyone and everyone. And I know you guys need him now more than ever, but..." she trailed off, letting out a soft sigh of frustration.

My eyes saddened, "It's okay to feel like that." I immediately reassured, "He's your dad. You don't want him risking his life like this...that's completely valid. You don't have to feel bad for saying something like that."

A small smile crossed her face, "Thank you." she whispered.

I nodded in return, a brief silence passing over us before a female voice suddenly called her name from just down the hall, causing her to snap out of her thoughts. "I gotta head back to check on the kids. But I'll be back soon to check on you again, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that." I said with a small smile, beginning to stand again to walk away from the glass, but then a voice stopped me in my tracks the moment my back was turned.

"Rose," I heard Rick call out, glancing over my shoulder to see him walking in just as Maggie was walking out.

Her eyebrows raised as she gave me a certain look that read good luck, before fully leaving the space. I wanted to reach my hands out dramatically to get her to stay, but she was already gone in only a split second, wanting to give us some time alone.

The man hesitantly walked up closer to the window separating us, causing me to reluctantly move back over and slowly take a seat again in the chair. It surprised me how much getting up once and then sitting back down took out of me, but I felt dizzy like I was going to pass out, trying to get my eyes to focus on his figure.

"Hey." I mumbled quietly.

"Hey," he replied, awkwardly tapping his legs as he was looking for the right words, "I, uh...I came in here to talk to you about some stuff. But um...I think I owe you a little something first before anything."

I nodded and waited for him to go on, though I didn't miss how ashamed he looked. Like it was painful for him to look me in the eye. "I'm so sorry about what happened between you and me the other day. I don't know what got into me, but...I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. I just...I hope this isn't going to mess anything up, that's the last thing I want. And I hope you can forgive me.

"I do." I said without any hesitation.

His head seemed to snap up in a split second, "Really?" he asked softly.

I simply shrugged, "Yeah. I mean if I'm going to die in here, I might as well have a clean conscious right? Don't want to hold any grudges." I laughed, the action causing a rough cough to erupt from my lungs until a trickle of blood spilled from my mouth.

I spit the dark liquid onto the ground, deeply clearing my throat before looking back up to see Rick standing there with huge eyes, his mouth hanging open at what he had just witnessed.

"Careful, you might drool if you keep your mouth hanging open like that." I joked with a light chuckle.

He closed his mouth instantly, letting out a huff of laughter. I couldn't tell if it was in disbelief or the fact that I was still making jokes at a dark time like this. But my guess was probably both. "How're you doing?"

I hummed as I tried to hold back my annoyance, "If I had a dollar for everyone who asked me that dumb question, I could probably find the damn cure myself." I said sarcastically, "I'm not okay...I'm dying. Blood is pouring out of my mouth constantly and my fever doesn't seem to want to go down. I'm a goddamn mess...but I'm still alive."

His brows furrowed in genuine concern as he placed one of his hands onto the glass, "I'm- I'm so sorry, Rosie." he whispered sincerely.

"It's okay...no need to apologize. Especially for something you can't control." I said, watching him nod in return as he then bit his lip somewhat nervously. "So...what exactly did you want to talk to me about?" I asked curiously.

He stopped moving completely as if I had read his mind, thinking over his next words very carefully before just coming out and saying it, "Carol killed Karen and David." he spit out bluntly, though there was really no other way to say it.

I hummed in response and nodded my head, to which his eyes widened at my lack of reaction, "Did you not hear me?"

"I knew it was her." I said simply.

His eyes only grew wider as he stuttered, "H-How?"

"I saw how she reacted when Ty found out; guilt was written all over her face. Then on my way out after...our little fight, I saw the bloody handprint she left behind on the doorframe. I was a cop, not a detective, but I picked up a few things and I'm good at reading people, especially people I know well." 

Though the man looked at me with nothing but disbelief, what I said was nothing but the truth. I knew what she was guilty of, and to be quite frank, I didn't tell anyone her secret for a reason. Not because I agreed with her outlook, but because I knew what these people would do if they found out the truth.

"So...what'd you do when you found out?" I asked after a few beats of silence.

He sighed heavily as he placed his hands on his hips, "I sent her out on her own with some supplies, told her not to come back. I can understand what she was trying to do, but it was the wrong call. And we can't have that here; that's what I told her. I know she'll be okay though...she's tough."

I nodded in understanding, but that didn't stop the ping of sadness I felt in the pit of my stomach at the sudden news. I cared deeply about Carol; she had always been such a great person in the tight knit group we shared. She was trying to help us, save us, but I knew what she did was wrong and there was really no excuse for it. I just hoped she would be okay on her own, holding onto that little bit of hope that we would see her again someday.

"Do you think I did the right thing?" he asked suddenly.

I pressed my lips together with a sigh as I thought for a long moment, "I don't know." I admitted quietly, "She's been with us for a long time, since this all started. But at the same time what she did wasn't okay. So, I don't know."

He nodded, "I just figured you should be the first person to know. I trust you more than anyone else here..." he stated, pausing for a moment as he looked at me with a tilt of his head, "I miss you, you know."

I smiled small, "Yeah...I miss you too."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* DARYL POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I tried to keep my breathing steady as we were close to getting trampled by a large group of walkers. We had managed to get all the meds we needed that were on the list and were now one step closer to making it back to the prison. But then the dead seemed to catch up to us, coming from everywhere as we tried to escape the building.

We were running out of options, not knowing where else to turn to as our eyes scanned desperately for some kind of out. That is until Tyreese decided to break through the closest window, looking down to see a platform we could use to cut through the number of walkers swarming around the property. I helped Michonne out first and then Ty, before grabbing my bags and heading out next with Bob right on my tail. The remaining dead ones pounding on the door behind us that we somehow managed to block off to save our asses in time.

The four of us all managed to make it out, but when Bob threw himself out the window in a panic, he landed directly on his stomach and almost fell off right into the herd of walkers below. He had his bag dangling from the edge and all the dead ones went to grab it and try to tear it from his grasp. I thought that he would just let the bag go instead of risking his life, but I was wrong.

He held onto that bag like his life depended on it. The three of us stood back as we waited for him to quit fucking around, yelling at him to just let it go, but he ignored all of us, trying to pull it back up with all the remaining strength he had left.

Finally, after what felt like years, he got it out of their grip harshly and the bag flew back onto the surface with a thump. But it sounded lighter than the rest of the bags that we were carrying on our backs, glass clinking around instead of the familiar sound of meds. My brow furrowed as I made my way over to see what was so damn important, and my blood started to boil when I caught a glimpse of what was inside. The man only had a single bottle of whiskey at the bottom, all of us coming to the realization why he risked his goddamn life for it.

I held it up, "Ya got no meds in your bag? Just this?" I asked.

He couldn't meet my gaze, knowing that he was in the wrong for what he did as I scoffed at him with a glare, "Ya shoulda kept walkin that day." I muttered bitterly.

When he still didn't gaze up at me, I didn't hesitate to raise the bottle up to throw it off the roof in a fit of frustration. But that's when he finally spoke up, stopping my movements.

"Don't." he spoke in an oddly calm tone. I looked over my shoulder at the sound of his voice, seeing he had his hand over his gun that was in the holster on his belt, ready to shoot me over a fucking bottle of whiskey.

I wasn't intimidated at all as I tilted my head in his direction, walking right up to him to get in his face, silently daring him to do it. Daring him to try. But he didn't, he couldn't even look at me anymore even though my presence was hard to miss. Eventually I reached down to take his gun out of his holster so he couldn't threaten me again and grabbed him by his shirt, ready to beat the shit out of him.

"Just let it go Daryl," Tyreese spoke suddenly, "The man's made his choice, nothing you can do about it. Just gotta let it go."

His voice echoed in my mind for a moment, finally letting him go again though I didn't back off completely, "I didn't want to hurt nobody," he spoke hesitantly, "It was just for when it gets quiet."

He still couldn't push himself to look me in the eye, so I took the bottle and shoved it to his chest harshly, not letting it go yet as I spoke lowly to him, "Ya take one sip, before those meds get in my wife...I will beat your ass into the ground," I shoved him again, "Ya hear me?"

He took the bottle from my hands without saying a word, but I was done wasting time. I turned around and grabbed my bags from where I had dropped them, and the rest wordlessly followed me back to the car so we could finally get back home. I felt my hands shaking in anger as I shoved everything into the small trunk, but I tried to push it all aside to rush back to her as fast as I could.

It was tense and dead silent in the car as I raced back. No one knew what to say and I could tell Michonne and Ty were just as pissed at Bob as I was. The fact that he came with us again just to get a bottle for himself and not because our people were dropping like flies, it rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I did make a mistake with bringing him back here, but I couldn't think about that right now. Now that we had the meds, I grew just a little more hopeful. Needing to see she was still okay.

~ Thanks for reading!

Taglist - @justareader95 @hayley1998 @ryoujoking @sipsthecoffee @winterassassin1804 @marsmallow433 @catlalice @writingstreetspirit

[gamergirl-niffler]

Thank you for the last request you fulfilled, it was adorable 🥰

Can I request one more? I would love to read about Aizetsu and other clones, including Zohakuten, if possible, who are dealing with a fem reader who is chronically ill and very weak because she's dealing with strong anemia? Please do it fluff and angst if possible, sfw and separately for every clone. Thank you 🙏

I am terrible with requests... but I hope you will forgive me and enjoy what I wrote!

Hantengu clones and chronically ill fem!reader

Sekido

- It annoys him a lot.

- He hoped for you to be useful yet... you are not.

- You're always tired and weak, he doesn't need that around himself. 

- Every time you complain about chest pains or headaches, he's getting one himself!

- He wanted to use you to be his "spy" during the day, but you are useless.

- "Why! Why can't you be normal?!" He growls, looking at you with anger in his crimson eyes. 

- "I... I don't know... It's just who I am. I am sick and can't help it..." You explain.

- Finally one day he decides to drop you. 

- No matter how much you cry, beg and promise to do your best to be useful. He doesn't listen.

- "Be grateful," Sekido snaps, pushing you away, "I should eat you, but I won't. Such a weakling isn't worth any more of my time." 

- And just like that, he disappears from your life. You can look for him as much as you want, but he's gone for good, not caring if you will live or not.

Karaku

- He is confused.

- If you are sick, why won't you just go and get some help? Medicine or whatever you humans need.

- Just don't be mad at him! He is trying to understand but it's hard since he doesn't need to worry about his health.

- If your skin has a slightly different color because of the illness, he won't look differently at you. He will even praise it!

- "Wow! Your skin looks so pale! Are you sure you're even a human? Maybe you're a demon, like me? It's pretty," Karaku mutters, caressing the skin of your arm. - Whenever you feel lightheaded or out of breath, he is there to assist you. He will even use his pretty fan to help you.

- Karaku likes to give you piggyback rides, especially since you often complain that you are tired. It's fun for him as well!

- He could eat you. It would end your sad existence but for some reason he actually likes to help you around.

Urogi

- He is confused as Karaku and a little annoyed with it.

- Urogi as well as the rest of the clones doesn't need to worry about health or such, and he is really playful.

- Sometimes your symptoms spoil the fun. He doesn't like it, but on the other hand he tries to understand! You can't help it, right?

- He likes to help you out! Because you are so sweet! At least you don't scream at him like someone else (cough, cough, hi, Sekido!) just because he wants to help!

- "You are so light!" He hums, carrying you in his arms. Urogi is doing it every time you are tired or/and feel bad.

- "Thank you so much, Urogi," you always thank him, making him feel useful.

- He loves the feeling! He holds you close, and you praise him for this! It makes him coo.

- He will protect you. If someone dares to insult you, try to hurt you just because you are weaker - they won't see their next sunrise.

- It's a little embarrassing for him, but he made a little nest. Just a place where he can keep you safe and comfy. He just wants you to feel good. 

- "Are you feeling alright?" He asks in a surprisingly quiet voice. Urogi is cuddling you, his long talons are scratching your scalp as he is trying to ease your headache.

- You just look at him and smile. "Thanks to you, it's better."

- Urogi starts purring while nuzzling you. He is just happy he can be useful.

Aizetsu

- Oh, you poor thing!

- This must be a sad life.

- Aizetsu feels his heart break every time you struggle with chest or headaches, when you feel weak and tired or when you suddenly get dizzy.

- You are like a fragile doll, which is sad.

- He is a demon and doesn't really understand why these terrible things happen to you, but as sad as it can be, he is there to help.

- "Just... Try to relax. Take a breath, in and out, you poor thing," he whispers when you try to calm down your heart and get rid of a chest pain. 

- When you get tired, and you're out of breath, he will gladly carry you, trying his best to comfort you with words.

"Don't worry... One day all the suffering will be over. You won't struggle or feel pain ever again." No one said he is good at this. 

- He doesn't really know what to do when you suffer from any of your symptoms. Just tell him or he will be there crying.

- Surprisingly, despite him being a really depressing character, he will never let you say anything bad about yourself.

- "My skin... It's pale as a snow... I am not pretty like other girls and women. I'll never be," you whisper, sitting on your bed.

- "It breaks my heart, don't say that about yourself," Aizetsu says, sitting down near you on the bed. "Your healthy is poor, but you are beautiful. I love your skin and for example I also love your hands, even if they are cold," he picks your palm and nuzzles it.

- If you start crying, he will cry with you.

Zohakuten

- He actually makes fun of you.

- You're such a weakling!

- Your condition and each symptom is a laughing matter for him.

- "Look at you. Out of breath that quickly? Pathetic!" Zohakuten says, looking right at you.

- This is simply another reason to dislike men.

- You are weak and useless.

- He isn't gently with you. 

- You are in pain? It's like a joke for him.

- Troubles with moving? Sucks to be you, then.

- For him, it only proves that humans are pathetic creatures, not worth being alive. 

- He is the worst out of all the clones.

[schizosamwincester]

So, November 5, in addition to being a) my birthday, b) Destiel day, c) @buncoreclown 's birthday, d) election day in America, and e) guy fawkes day, is also the fifth anniversary of my psychotic break. And just. Goddamn. Half a fucking decade.

For me, a delusion onset very, very suddenly. There were a few passing thoughts of it in the days before, but it pretty much hit all at once at about 5:35. The delusion came on really strong with instant, intense tactile hallucinations, and I started dissociating and never completeness stopped until I started T not even a month ago.

Schizophrenia is neurodevelopmental, so in a lot of ways I've been schizophrenic my whole life. I very much have always had the schizophrenic thought patterns. My brain has always grabbed onto ideas too hard, my thoughts have always been scattered, I've always been rambly, I've always been obsessive. That said, there's a huge difference between that latent schizophrenia and me being actively schizophrenic. All of those symptoms got worse in the after. And tomorrow marks 5 years of living as an honest-to-god schizophrenic.

Despite how much worse my symptoms are now than they were before, it's so much better to be living in the after because now I understand that none of it is normal and can deal with it and be gentle to myself about it. I'm not just incapable of getting my shit together—I deal with an actual thing called disorganized thinking that makes it incredibly difficult to keep a train of thought a lot of the time. I'm not just stubborn—I have actual delusions, so it is really hard to let go of ideas. And I don't just "babble," as my mother would say—rambling and tangents are how my brain works and I shouldn't have to stop that just because it isn't normal. Lots of people love hearing my long-ass rants.

But that's not really what I'm thinking about today. I'm just thinking about how despite the fact that November 5, 2019 still defines me and every facet of my current life was caused by what happened that day, it is now 5 years later. I've spent 5 years in the after. I've spent more time being "recovered" than I ever did in active psychosis. And it is just strange that something that happened a half-decade ago when I was still in high school is still so definitive. I have been living on my own for a year. I've been working as a CNA for 2 and a half years. My life is nothing like it was when I was a high schooler in my parents house (well, except for the fact that I still write and read too much fanfic), but I do still think about that event not necessarily daily, but at least weekly.

Five years is a long time, and I'm very glad to be alive and, despite everything, coping with it all extraordinarily well. Don't get me wrong. I'm still definitely disabled. I've got my life set up very carefully to work around my limitations, and I'm also just really lucky to have found about the one affordable apartment in walking distance from everything important in all of America (schizophrenia is why I don't drive). But still, like... I've made it to 5 fucking years out. Just being alive and functional by then was almost incomprehensible to me by like, November 8, 2019.

Five goddamn years. Given how hard it is and how much I just take everything one day and one week at a time, it is so weird to step back and realize I've been living with schizophrenia for that long.

Okay. That's all. Back to my regularly scheduled fandom bullshit.

[solarisleech]

Here's a silly idea for you! Which utapri characters do you think would be prone to seasickness?

Oooh, interesting right off the bat!

This ask was really inspiring, so I’ll do you one better!

I’d like to detail my thoughts for all the Shining Idols!

(Written from most to least prone!)

((I’m sorry this took a bit! Personal problems kicked my ass…))

—

Dealing with Seasickness

—

Cecil:

Most likely by far. The poor guy’s terrified of any and all bodies of water, making his experience with boats limited.

One look overboard or an especially strong wave hitting the boat would be enough to send him to the ground! That’s without even mentioning the scent of sea air, reminding him of… fish.

He’d feel the full brunt of symptoms. Nausea, dizziness… but the moment he’s passed some medicine by another member of STARISH, he’d damn near cry from relief!

…He would then avoid boats as much as possible, only setting foot aboard again for work.

Hesitantly.

Syo

I feel cliched for Syo being my second pick, but it just… I feel as if it would be influenced by his fear of heights from the anime, somewhat.

Not only are you high up from the water when you’re in a boat, the ground’s unstable.

Syo’s symptoms wouldn’t be as strong as Cecil’s, not by a long shot. He could, if he had to, manage a bit. He’d just be queasy.

Once his fear is managed though, I think he’d be less prone.

He’d still keep medicine in his bag, just in case.

Tokiya

Here’s my third most likely, and the last of the characters that came to mind when I initially read this ask!

Tokiya may seem out of left field, but I have my reasonings. He’s a chronic over worker, even nowadays, and I know that neglecting yourself can make things like motion sickness much worse.

Tokiya is always prepared, so he’s the least prone of my top three, but, the seasickness would hit him hard when it does.

All it would take is one forgotten bottle of medicine, and it would be over.

Luckily, Cecil would have his back, he wouldn’t suffer for very long.

Ranmaru

From Ranmaru to Ai, my thoughts just spiraled, honestly.

Ranmaru, I’m sure you can guess, would try and sleep off any and all of his symptoms. Probably somewhere in the open air, on deck.

You’d know he’s feeling under the weather if you spot him curled up on a lounge chair, soaking in the sun.

On second thought, he might do that anyway, so could you really tell?

Masato & Camus

I’ve lumped these two together (just like Reiji and Ren below) because I believe they would have similar reactions, with just a few key differences.

Seasickness would creep over their bodies slowly, manifesting as a sheen of sweat on their foreheads.

Once Masato notices the churning in his stomach, he’s quick to either take medicine, or ask for it. He’d rest, but only after apologizing profusely for falling sick in the first place.

And Camus, oh Camus.

Prideful to a fault, he wouldn’t admit that he was sick, even as his nails dig into the arms of whatever chair he plants himself into.

With a scowl on his face, he’d subtly sway in his seat, fighting like hell to never vomit. He’d throw himself overboard before showing a “weakness” like that!

If he reached a point where he couldn’t handle it any longer, he would reluctantly (and most important, privately) ask for help from one of the people he deeply trusts. Likely Tokiya, Masato, or maybe Ai.

But, if Camus was in a situation with just staff, he’d grin and bear it till the end.

Reiji & Ren

The only reason these two are lower risk than Camus and Masato, is because they adore driving.

Carsickness and seasickness are linked, after all! I doubt they’d love their long drives as much, if they had to deal with it.

But if it were to ever strike them, they’d both try and deal with it by themselves, initially.

It would be a discreet illness. A little stumble from Reiji here, or a subtle wince from Ren, there.

Ren, after a while, would ask for help. With a weary smile, he’d ask another member if they had any medicine.

Reiji, on the other hand, would pretend everything is fine, right until he can’t anymore.

Then, he’d bug everyone around him, trying to garner sympathy with his big, puppy eyes. (He’d drive the rest of QN up the wall!)

Otoya

Otoya is a bit of an oddball.

While I can imagine very vividly how he would react to seasickness, he’s also extremely unlikely to have it.

Poor baby would be pretty whiny!

Though, with his high athleticism and need to constantly move, motion sickness of any kind doesn’t seem like it would fit.

Natsuki

Natsuki, for whatever reason, is someone I can’t imagine dealing with this at all.

With how he cooks, I doubt he feels nausea, period!

Ai

I’m sorry if this is an obvious “least likely”, but like… I can’t even figure out how that would work.

Seasickness confuses the human inner ear, which is what causes the symptoms.

I doubt that Ai, as an android, has a similar balance system to a human. Even if he somehow did, he doesn’t experience sickness to my knowledge.

—

I’m sorry if this was different than what you were expecting! ^^,

My mind took the scenario and ran with it. I love thinking about the logistics around little things like this.

[vithe-potato]

Stuck In a Loop

I've been feeling very stuck in a loop recently. So much that its all i could write about.

Wrecker x Gn!Reader

Summary: Wrecker is gone for a long, long, time on a mission. And the reader finds themself falling deeper into a hole every day that he's gone. They get stuck in a loop.

Warnings: Hurt/kind of Comfort?, crying, reader has symptoms of depression, anxiety, and neglecting to feed themself.

You get up at 12pm every day, scolding yourself for not getting up earlier. You force yourself to sit up and you let your feet hit the cold wood of the floor as they weave through the piles of clothing sitting around your bedroom. You head to the kitchen to find something to eat. The cold air hits you in the face as you stare at the bland selection of food. Closing the door and sighing, you decide to skip breakfast and instead head to the bathroom to start getting ready for work.

You feel the warmth of the water defrost your cold fingers as you stand in the shower. The slippery pink shampoo bottle almost slipped out of your hand while you struggled to squeeze the product out. You let yourself get lost in thought when you began to scrub, daydreaming about how his hands would feel running through your wet hair. You wished he was here to do it for you, with his strong hands, scrubbing your hair gently. You rinsed out your hair and finished up your shower.

When Wreckers gone for so long, you don't know what to do with yourself

You don't understand why, but when he's gone, you feel like you can't move. It feels like your bored but not quite, you just don't know what to do with yourself.

In the beginning everything was fine, it was just a little pang of emptiness in the bottom of your chest. But now it's different, the little hole that sits where you stand just kept getting bigger and bigger every day that he's not around.

You wish you weren't so dependant on him, you used to not be, but recently... things have been hard. You look at your hollopad to see one too many messages from who you thought was your best friend. You just wanted to scream at her to shut up and that not all of her problems were yours to deal with. Maker, you just needed Wrecker. If he was here you could just melt into his arms every night instead of the cold sheets, and everything would be fine. It would all be Okay.

But no. Nothings Perfect. So instead you have to worry about him every night, wondering if he's ging to come home to you unharmed, or even at all. You bet he noticed that your calls had become less and less frequent. You were too afraid that one of these you would call and mess something up. You decided to only use it for emoergencies. you where a bit hurt when Wrecker didn't really comment on it, he has been calling less and less too anyway. In the past thats what happened when he was heading home and wanted to suprise you. But with the 3 week mmission turning into almost 4 and a half months now... you gave up hope.

You get dressd in some nice looking pants and a baggy shirt. You gave up on looking good for work, you were too tired, nothing really mattered anymore anyway, it wasn't like you were trying to impress anybody. He was the only person you wanted to imoress, and it's not like he cares what you wore anyway.

You wish you weren't so dependent on him, “My life is more than just my partner.” you'd told your concerned coworker. But the thing is, you don't think it's even just all him, thats just what triggered it.

Before Wrecker came into your life, you were a ray of sinshine and posativity. Why? Because you had just gotten help for your mental health and felt 100% better. You don't think so anymore. You’re falling back into your old ways but you don't want to admit it. Everyone was so proud of you for getting better. They would be so dissapointed if they saw you now. You don't even want to hear what they would say about how your apartment looks.

Most of the time you want to clean, but you are always so tired. You'll even start to clean, but get so overhwlemed and just go to sleep before you had time to panic.

You got home from work, and ate—whats in your fridge?— an apple, and head to bed. You lay for what feels like hours but really its really only a few minutes. the sheets of your bed cold, as are you. You miss his marmth, his strong arms wrapping around you, pulling you to lay against his soft chest. Tears prick your eyes and your throat gets sore from holding back your tears. You just let them go, your mind drifts to everything thats wrong, and you wish you could cry yourself to sleep but you cant even sleep without him.

The next day you repeate the same thing.

It never stops, you feel like a hampster running on a wheel. You can't break your habits no matter how much you want to. It's egsaughsting. The past al, lst 5 months repeating the same thing. Over and over and over and over and over.

Your collegeues at work noticed, they ask you whats wrong. You smacked a big smile on your face and no matter how horrible it felt, you pretended everything was fine. And they beleived you.

You walk into your room and hear a call coming in, you mosey over, ready to hang up. But when you saw who it was, you picked it up immidiatly. Smiling at the sound of his voice, "Hey Mesh'la, great news!!" He boomed happily. "We are gonna be back to your planet the day after toworrow!" You sighed hapily as tears pricked your eyes.

"Thank the maker, I miss you so much, Wreck."

"I miss ya too sunshine, I know it's late so i'm going to let you get some sle-"

"No" You cut him off. He was quiet for a moment so you continued. "Just- stay on for a little while longer alright?"

"Anything for you carye." He replied softly.

You fell asleep on the phone together, counting the seconds until he gets back home to you.

________________________________________________________

Note: I wrote this a long time ago and was planning to finish it with a happy ending and make it longer but gave up. If your having these problems please get help or slide into my pm’s. Stay safe guys I love you!💋

Reblog, like and comment to show support!

Masterlist ~ Requests: Open

[bronzeona]

girl i am not offended, it‘s just a weird thing to say especially when you‘re a fan of someone who‘s mental illness is very stigmatized

i literally work as a psychologist - i am aware how mental illness works but thank you for your insight (?)

but saying „oh it‘s just someone with mental disease“ is in fact stigmatizing lol you can literally just say it‘s disrespectful or weird behavior - which is what it actually is👍

I appreciate that you took the time to clarify your perspective even if you did it in a dismissive way. You could have taken your degree to teach me (I would love to learn). "act like it" - strong btw coming from someone who works as a psychologist. Anyway...

You're saying that describing behavior as connected to a mental health issue is inherently stigmatizing but  acknowledging that certain behaviors can stem from internal struggles isn't the same as excusing them or dehumanizing people. It’s actually the first step in deconstructing stigma. Because when we reduce everything to “rude” or “weird,” we lose the opportunity to explore why someone acts the way they do. Let’s pretend that calling behavior “disrespectful” with no context is somehow more respectful than trying to understand where it comes from.

If anything, being a fan of someone openly neurodivergent is exactly why I talk about this. I refuse to reduce people to “rude” or “weird” when what they really need is help, not public execution by groupthink. Also the part where you walked in and somehow making my call for empathy sound like an attack. I am not using mental issues as an insult or making assumption without any empathy.

In fact normalizing the idea that mental health influences behavior, and that people should feel safe getting support, is exactly how we break stigma. So if someone is spiraling, crossing boundaries, or acting erratically—and your reaction is, “I don’t think this is just ‘bad vibes,’ I think this person might need real help” that’s not stigma. That’s discernment. And it’s honestly more respectful than pretending everyone has the same tools, maturity, or regulation and just labeling them “toxic” or “weird.”

And respectfully, if someone is dealing with neurodivergence, trauma, or any number of invisible conditions, labeling them with a purely moral lens like “disrespectful” might actually reinforce stigma more than recognizing that behavior can be a symptom.

Also I am a bit surprised by the idea that being a fan of someone with a stigmatized condition should mean I don’t speak about mental health. That feels backwards.

It is one thing to advocate for dignity and maturity and I agree with that entirely. But maturity also includes understanding that people live with different levels of psychological complexity. Empathy shouldn’t end where discomfort begins.

So yes I will continue to name the hard things, not to diminish anyone because pretending these struggles dont influence behavior is what keeps stigma alive. And I think someone with your background can probably see the value in that. Also if you think I am completely in the wrong and want to educate me on this I will gladly do that just drop the the books, links I should read about this idk probably something you studied and I will read trust me and maybe the additional knowledge you have can help me to understand that my behavior was wrong here. I am always willing to learn but you can be respectful about it.

[thekingofthenameless]

Tell me your top 3 OCs

Thanks for the ask!!! :D

My top two are definitely Merlin and Charlie!

(I have other ocs of course, but I have no thoughts about them rn because I’m writing a oneshot specifically centered around these two, so I’m just gonna talk about their bond for the third lmao.)

1. Merlin:

Merlin (full name Merlin Caledonensis Ambrosius) is a Black transgender aroace man! (Specially non-partnering, as well as being romance and sex repulsed.) He’s also neurodivergent: he has schizophrenia, psychosis (as a symptom of it), misophonia, and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

He has a carefully crafted image of himself that he’s made as a way to survive, and no one besides Charlie, Ganieda, or Vivian will know his true self.

He hides it all under being a very mellow person.

He’ll smile easily, make shitty puns, converse with most people he comes across, give advice and trade knowledge freely without there being any catch, unlike some others out there.

Many consider him a friend, one of the most renowned protectors of magic, and one of the most famous magical beings, that everyone at least knows the name of. (Despite the demons that apparently have plagued his mind for centuries.)

But both he and his dragon are shrouded in myths and legends that no one knows are true or not, and he’ll never confirm or deny, simply dodging the curiosity or asking about the questioner with a smile.

(Unless it’s about being secretly married, because then he’ll go on a disgusted rant about being thrust into romance, and how he’s never been in a relationship, and he doesn’t need it, he has Charlie and his sister and his friends.)

His secrecy isn’t just limited to his past; it’s to the point that he feels exposed if someone simply finds out something he likes.

He usually doesn’t think about the fact that he’s constantly hiding parts of himself to make him seem more palatable, but when he does, he resents it. (And understands, because he’s hard to deal with. He has no idea why Charlie still loves him, sometimes.)

Just a few of the secrets he holds close to his chest are being naturally left-handed, hiding it behind the mask of ambidexterity that he taught himself. His complete and utter lack of romantic or sexual attraction, to the point of being repulsed at the idea. His aversion to a frankly maddening amount of sounds, and being born a girl, who hadn’t wanted to change his reproductive organs because they didn’t make him feel distressed and not at home in his own body like his breasts.

The voices in his mind tell him that everyone knows, no matter how hard he’s tried to hide them, and that they’ll hurt him again; Charlie has to constantly reassure him that no one else knows besides the two of them. (But not that he’d never betray him by revealing them. He’ll always trust his familiar, and Charlie knows that.)

Art Dump! (And an excerpt of his appearance from another character’s point of view because I’m lazy lol)

Click on the pictures for better quality and to see the whole thing! (The old one is his first, older design; the second one is his current one.)

[Amos] tries not to stare, taking in his appearance nonetheless. The man who is apparently Merlin seems to be only a couple of inches shorter than him, even from where he’s standing. Long white hair, that shines like freshly fallen snow, rests halfway down his back. It’s locked into thick strands that remind him of strong rope, tied up into a mid-high ponytail. Every side of his head is shaved, showing softer but still coarse hair that glimmers like frost. “Merlin,” Uther calls. “I have someone for you to meet.” He turns, revealing his face. He’s beautiful. He’s Black; his skin is a warm, dark brown. Several scars (one on the left side of his forehead, above his eyebrow; another spanning from his forehead to his nose, ending a little below his eyes; and the last across his left cheek) darker than his skin adorn his face. His eyebrows, eyelashes, and beard (which has a coarse, curly texture) are as white as his hair. His almond shaped eyes are a lighter shade of blue, with orange rings around his pupils. Eyebags darker than his skin, but a different shade than his scars, are under them. The bridge of his nose is prominent, making it curve. An aquiline nose, if he remembers correctly. He hasn’t seen anyone who has it in a while. He’s wearing a dark green bliaut, (that shows some of his chest, and he has to quickly look away) brown pants, a long, hooded blue cape, and brown heeled boots. A necklace, which is only a gem held with black string, rests against his neck. A bracelet is on his right wrist, and a ring is on his right hand’s second finger.

2. Charlie:

Charlie (full name Charlemagne William Ambrosius) seems a little rougher around the edges than his wizard, but he’s still nice (once he gets to know someone).

If he doesn’t know them yet, he won’t hide the fact that he stares them down while gauging their character. And even if he does, if they aren’t Ganieda or Vivian, he’ll still give them the same stare if they say or do something that could register as a possible threat to his beloved. (Yes, he calls Merlin that now. You’re welcome.)

He’ll say the things that Merlin thinks but won’t say, and doesn’t care that he comes off as mean or blunt sometimes either.

No one else’s opinion matters as long as Merlin is safe.

Anyone trying to separate the two of them, no matter for how long, immediately comes off as suspicious to him. People have attempted to take advantage of his familiar’s illness in the past, by convincing him that their actions weren’t real and were things he hallucinated or imagined. Sometimes, they also do the opposite and make him remember things that never happened.

And there’s the separation that still haunts both of them in different ways.

He’d been out hunting (which takes hours, since he’s a 3,000 pound dragon that eats a lot, but at least he only needs to eat every 4-5 days) leaving Merlin behind with their mutual acquaintance, Mordecai. His familiar had been feeling slightly tired, but neither of them were too worried; he’d hopefully sleep it off.

When he returned, Merlin was gone.

After hours of frantically trying to contact him through their telepathic bond multiple times while tracking his scent, he found a monastery.

His companion’s scent led him down to a dungeon, which had a chair with blood at its feet. And it continued in a trail somewhere else.

He had to quell his rising terror and fury to focus on finding him, following the blood and still strong scent upstairs.

Finally, he’d found the door that Merlin seemed to be behind, and he entered quietly when he only heard silence.

Even after seeing the blood, he still wasn’t expecting Merlin on a bed, sheets under him bloodied and stained, two corpses on the floor.

He was curled into himself, staring off at nothing.

They’d tortured him, broken him.

He never wants to see his beloved look that like again.

Art dump and excerpt:

(Like Merlin, the old one is his first, older design; the second one is his current one.)

(Charlemagne stares at [Uther] the whole time, red eyes almost glowing in the dim light.) How is no one else unnerved by him? He’s entirely unsettling, with those red eyes, (at least they have white sclera; that helps with making him look slightly less monstrous) giant, feathered wings colored like lava, and thick-furred body colored like soil and fire. (What kind of dragon has fur and feathers, anyways?) Besides that, the mark of being a familiar adorns his leg, for lack of a better word, unable to be hidden.

Their bond:

(To help with some things, cambions and dragons both age extremely slowly! Cambions age one year in every five years; dragons age one year in every fifty-five years.)

Yes, I did math for this lmao.

(Dragons also turn fully adult at five years old [two hundred seventy-five chronologically]. At a year old [fifty-five], they’re still too small to open their eyes. Five years later [60], they’ve opened, but their teeth haven’t grown in yet. Ten years later [70], they’re able to be weaned off milk. At two years old [110], they’re able to speak. From there, the main changes are their bodies slowly changing into adulthood.)

Merlin and Charlie have been familiars for a long time: over 4,000 years. (I don’t have an exact year yet. 😓) The two of them have been best friends, and inseparable for most of their lives.

Merlin, pre-transition, as a thirteen year old (chronologically 65) on the cusp of puberty, found him abandoned by his parents in the woods. They didn’t think he’d survive for much longer; the only reason he wasn’t classified as a runt was because mammalian dragons only have one offspring at a time.

At a year old (chronologically 55), he was too small to even open his eyes, but he could hear. Merlin’s hands gently ran over his fur, murmuring soothing words, getting him used to the feeling, voice and scent of human, before he gently cradled him in his arms and took him home. The little kit would be eaten by anything opportunistic enough if he didn’t.

Adhan was used to her son’s empathetic nature, but she never expected him to bring home a dragon.

Eventually, she was convinced, though.

Merlin fed him cow’s milk from a wooden bowl, hoping that he would able to digest it. (He was, fortunately.)

He looked down at the kit, colored like soil and fire, and lava all in one, and decided to name him Charlemagne William. He wasn’t going to give him his last name just yet.

Merlin always knew he was more intelligent than an average animal, no matter what anyone else thought, and talked to him as though he was human even back then.

Soon, it became commonplace to see the two of them together, Merlin either holding the little dragon in his arms, or carrying him in the blanket that he wrapped around himself.

Charlie became more affectionate as well, always curling against his side or on his chest.

By the next five years, when Merlin aged into fourteen, there was no concept of the two ever separating, but there was confusion when Charlie stayed the same size and age. (He’d opened his eyes only recently, and his teeth weren’t coming in; he couldn’t eat solid food as a result.)

Amidst Merlin’s worry over his dragon not seeming to grow, puberty slammed into him.

And he didn’t feel like a girl. It wasn’t his clothes; he’d always loved outfits that go down to his knees or farther. It was his body.

He felt too feminine, felt like he was all blossoming curves and soft features. He hated seeing his breasts grow, and he began to bind them, hiding the fact from everyone; fortunately, his healing factor helped offset any negative effects, and everyone was focused on getting Ganieda and Vivian together, anyways.

(Ugh, romance.)

But what he would be if he wasn’t a girl? A man? (Yes, is his answer, deep down.) That was ludicrous.

This would pass.

(It did not pass.)

At night, when everything was quiet, he vented to his dragon about everything, gently cradling him in his arms. How he didn’t feel like a girl and didn’t feel at home in his body. How certain sounds set him off, and people thought he would outgrow it, but he wasn’t, and how he was terrified of telling his family these things. He had to be a good daughter.

(Charlie would nuzzle him, understanding every word, purring as loudly as he could to comfort his beloved wizard.)

Charlie finally started growing more teeth when Merlin was sixteen, chronologically eighty years and six months then. He slowly weaned his dragon, introducing him to different types of meats and other foods. Apparently, they’re omnivorous, but it’s usually easier to just eat meat instead because of their size.

Despite the relief at the fact that his dragon just aged very slowly, his body dysphoria refused to leave. He knew that it wasn’t normal to hate looking at yourself in the mirror, and hate becoming a woman. (Especially since Ganieda accepted it, and loved it, happy to grow older so she and Vivian could marry sooner.)

Sometimes, when he was sure that everyone was asleep, he’d shapeshift into a man under the moonlight streaming through his window. He’d stare at himself, reverently running his hands over his face, quietly walking around his room in the body he so desperately wanted.

But he pushed it down, keeping it a guilty secret. Womanhood was still important to him; he had to be a good daughter, a good sister, and he loved them too much to just leave. But how would they react, if he did tell them?

(Charlie always treated him with the same love, man or woman, affectionately nuzzling him and purring. His eyes held an understanding that he wished everyone else would have.)

Maybe… he could broach the topic with his mother.

He did, eventually, and she gently stroked his steadily growing locs as he curled against her, speaking in nothing louder than a whisper the whole time. (Charlie rested against his feet, quietly watching them both. Adhan easily believed her son about his intelligence, now.)

She didn’t have any advice, in the end. But she kissed his forehead and told him that she’d always love him, no matter what. And if she did end up having a son, then she’d be blessed with the most amazing one she could have.

Twenty-five years later, at twenty-one (one hundred five years old), he shapeshifted into a man again, this time using his magic to make this form his true one. He cried when he was finally able to have the body he’d wanted for so long permanently.

Charlie wrapped around his legs, nuzzling him, and he picked him up, holding his dragon close. He purred loudly, sweet and comforting, even as Merlin’s tears soaked his fur.

Another seventeen years later, when Merlin was twenty-four (one hundred twenty-two), and Charlie was two (one hundred ten); Merlin was reading by the fire, and Charlie was curled against his right side.

Charlie looked up at his wizard adoringly, letting out soft purrs. He wanted to speak, talk to him just as much, and thank him for everything he’s done.

Merlin’s hand reached down to gently scratch his head, and he leaned into the contact, wishing he could speak even more.

Maybe… he could try.

“Merlin?” He said quietly, doing his best to not wriggle in excitement so the surprise wasn’t spoiled.

His wizard looked up at the unfamiliar voice, brow furrowing in confusion. After searching the room, his gaze went back down to him. “Charlie, did you hear that?”

“Yes,” was his simple answer.

Merlin’s mouth dropped open, eyes widening in shock. “What- You just talked.”

He smiled proudly, tail thumping as his wizard’s brain broke. “You can talk.”

After the subsequent reveal, and excitement had died down, they had long conversations that lasted for hours. At the end of it, their bond had only strengthened, and now, they knew things about each other that no one else ever would.

Twenty-three more years later, when Merlin was twenty-nine (one hundred forty-five), his schizophrenia began to set in.

He began to hear people calling his name when they hadn’t; began seeing things out of the corner of his eyes, with nothing being there when he turned around, confused. His food began to taste terrible when he knew it was the same as everyone else’s, and he became terrified of it being poisoned.

Then the voices and delusions started.

They started out positive, but over time they began to tell him crueler things.

His delusions told him that someone has invaded their home and is walking around (he can hear their footsteps), bugs were crawling on his hands in the dark until he turned a light on, or touched Charlie so his glowing spread to his hands.

And they happened over, and over, and over again, but every time it was real until he came out of it and remembered that they aren’t.

At least they usually didn’t last for that long.

But his hallucinations started getting worse, and instead of just hearing nonexistent voices, people and creatures appeared.

Sometimes it made absolute sense that a stranger was in their house. And they weren’t a threat, simply doing things that made him inquire why they were there.

Charlie, who was up to his knees now, was determined to help his wizard.

He suggested putting bells on the door so Merlin can think back and remember if they rang or not before he panics about a stranger being in their house. (It isn’t foolproof, but it does help.)

When the gaps in Merlin’s memory began to get worse, it didn’t matter. He’d remember for him. He’d eat some of his food first so that he knew that it wasn’t poisoned. He’d stay awake when he was afraid of falling asleep.

Merlin took care of him first. It was his turn.

After they fought in battles, and Merlin’s sensitivity to loud noises increased, along with new trauma, his stance didn’t change.

He’d breathe on him instead of calling his name so he doesn’t get as startled, and he’d walk across a room (in the rare occasion of that) instead of yelling for him. He’d do his absolute best to not yell at someone making him angry, no matter how much he wanted to.

He’d understand when Merlin got snappy because of his senses being bombarded with too much, and never blame him for it. He’d lay his head on his stomach as a comforting weight when panic became too much.

He’d say that he loves him, and he’s not going anywhere, he never is, and repeat those words over and over again, as many times as he needs to.

Merlin was sixty-five (three hundred twenty-five), when he became immortal. He could’ve used the spell that makes aging stop at thirty, like Ganieda, but the main reasons he didn’t was because he wanted to have natural white hair, not just changing his hair color, and he thought looking older would make him seem more distinguished. (If he’d aged badly, he would’ve shifted back to his younger appearance and kept the white hair. He didn’t, though.)

Charlie was a fully grown adult at five years old (three hundred thirteen), and just his head was as big as Merlin’s torso.

They went flying together now, and Merlin had crafted a saddle himself. Sometimes it was just a slow, leisurely fly for the sake of it; sometimes it was high speed, filled with loops and falling through the air. They still hardly ever argued about anything, but in the very rare occasion they did, they’d stay in the same room, spending time together in silence so they can calm down and see the other’s point of view. They always, always talked things out in the end.

They share the same feelings towards each other: I love you. I love you so much that I can’t fathom spending time away from you unless it’s absolutely necessary, and I’ve willingly chosen to stay with you for the rest of our lives. This bond was formed by a labor of love, and nothing can ever separate us, except for death.

I know things about you that no one else ever will. Typical familial terms like father figure or brother don’t fit us, because our relationship is far too complex to dilute it down into one role.

Soft whispers and gentle touches define us.

I am not leaving you. I am never leaving you.

One morning, after they woke up intertwined together, like always, there was a mark of swirls and leaves on Charlie’s right front leg, and when Merlin looked at his own body, there was one on his right bicep.

No one knew what they meant, until Merlin’s throat was slit after an ambush.

He didn’t die immediately. He choked on his own blood for at least ten minutes before he passed out, terrified of dying, hoping Charlie was safe, and would be able to recover in the end.

He woke up in a meadow filled with flowers, any signs of his violent death gone.

Before he could panic, a voice called his name.

He turned to see a being with completely dark, blue-ish gray skin.

Her hair, braided in a fishtail, long, feathered wings that almost dragged on the ground, and eyes, subtly glowing, were all completely white.

Golden earrings pierced her ears; a necklace of the same color with a red gem rested against her neck. A circlet that matched both was on her head.

Amara, goddess of life.

He immediately knelt in front of her, averting his eyes. He knew the legends, had seen paintings and murals of her. But why was she here?

Charlie appearing out of nowhere startled him. Completely forgetting about proper etiquette in front of a goddess, he ran to his dragon, stroking his fur and hugging him tightly.

Charlie hadn’t been hurt at all, unlike him. He didn’t know what had happened; he’d been trying to find him since their separation, and suddenly… he was here.

Amara had been quietly watching, smiling. She offered to explain, making both of them look at her; Merlin sheepishly apologized for his lack of decorum. She laughed and waved it off, understanding.

Charlie rested his head against his chest, and Merlin carded his fingers through his fur after they sat down. Amara explained that Merlin wasn’t going to die permanently: his heritage of being the former Anti-Christ had given him resurrective immortality. It was far more pragmatic than to make a new Anti-Christ every time one died. The markings on the two of them were from them becoming familiars, a bond of a precious animal companion and a wizard.

Charlie had received some of Merlin’s powers without them realizing it, which meant that if one of them died, they both would, and they would resurrect together. They also had a telepathic bond, like Merlin and Ganieda.

There was no spell to perform for them to become familiars. It was because they loved each other that much.

They’re still one of the only familiar pairs in the world, even now. Many wizards have animal companions, of course, but none of them have formed that bond created by a labor of love.

Art dump:

THEY ARE EVERYTHING TO ME. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Artist credits: HappyArt9, cat-gh0ul, NaldThal, heropaws, biposi, and honeyxmonkey!

[rookanis-de-riva]

High-key been loving yours and @queerdeerling’s a/b/o dragon age discussions

I had a thought—it would be interesting if dynamics worked differently between humans, elves, qunari, and dwarves in addition to alphas, betas, and omegas (which is a lot of distinctions to make, I know). Maybe particular races tend to produce significantly more of one gender, something like humans are primarily betas, half of all elves are omegas, qunari are mostly alphas, and dwarves have no omegas at all (which ties back in with your idea that alpha, beta, and omega, have heavy connections to warriors, rogues, and mages, respectively—omega density within a race is also indicative of their population of mages).

I think that would also exaggerate the cultural attitudes and traditions regarding each gender as the ratio isn’t even from race to race. (I won’t get into how the cultural split looks between countries too cause holy shit that’s a lot of world building to think about in a single ask lol)

Dalish elves are likely the most “free”/accepting of heat symptoms, given the large population of omegas. Maybe various clans have faded-related methods of contraception and dealing with heats when alphas aren’t available. Sex is probably also not stigmatized/seen as more of a tool to help omegas.

City elves, by contrast, are significantly more conservative. Being an omega, mage, or both can be dangerous depending on where they live, so they learn to make strong suppressants and appear as beta-like as possible.

Among humans, alphas and omegas are a bit of a novelty. More typical a/b/o dynamics likely apply here—alphas are strong leaders, omegas are delicate caretakers; both are put on a bit of a pedestal.

Qunari are dominantly alphas, which is what give their armies (and the antaam) their edge. Any betas and omegas born are not assigned to warrior roles ever. Omegas might even be under special lock and key, similar to saarebas, though because they are valuable for breeding rather than dangerous mages. Omegas are also likely assigned as Tamassran.

Dwarves never have omegas. Period. No magic means no omegas. Paragons and those with stronger connection to the stone, tend to be alphas, though. Harding’s stone magic awakening thing also presents the opportunity for a gender change, possibly becoming the dwarves’ first omega, OR going from beta to alpha, if alphas are more strongly tied to the titans and the stone.

Spirits don’t really have an a/b/o designation since it’s more of a physical thing, or it’s not expressed in the same way. Spirits’ a/b/o designations are very fluid. Maybe an alpha spirit is a very pure form of wisdom, lust, knowledge, etc. whereas omegas are less purely one thing—likely through interaction with mortals, they’ve learned to behave and express emotion beyond what they are. They’re closer to individuals with complex thoughts and feelings rather than pure (alpha) embodiments of a concept.

THEN you could also get into dominant vs recessive alphas and omegas and how that split works within each culture as well, but again, probably too much for one ask.

And that’s all to explain the fic I’ve been imagining about my Tevinter city elf omega Rook going into heat in the middle of a mission and panicking, Davrin the dalish alpha swooping in to solve the problem, and Lucanis, Rook’s beta lover, standing around kind of confused while an omega spite screams over his shoulder.

my hc works pretty close to this, yeah!

what I was thinking of is that elves typically have very low levels of testosterone, resulting in shorter, slimmer body types and a more generally ""feminine"" (by human standards) appearance across the race. elven masculinity is more focused on community leadership than individual dominance, displaying skill in an art / craft / academia, and high levels of diplomacy--because humans tend to insist any non-chantry leader is male, and being able to work with (or manipulate) human leadership is essential to protecting the clan

outright violence (the stereotypical male warrior) is conversely seen as feminine. it is deeply understandable that a distraught mother would instinctively try to kill a human that harms her child, but the horrible truth is that this gives them an excuse to commit more pogroms. it is a selfish, individual desire for revenge that places the entire clan / alienage at risk, dovetailing into human misogyny about female hysteria, women being more emotional, not making rational decisions, unfit for leadership, etc

but humans often can't recognize elven gender norms bc they just see a lot of long-haired pretty skinny people and figure they're all women and omegas--or close enough that it doesn't count as gay to take one as a lover (or by force)

so elves: low levels of testosterone, also low-er levels of estrogen. when they're both roughly equally-low, you get betas. when the estrogen is slightly higher, you get omegas, but they're typically not very fertile and tend to have low birth rates. this was essential when they were all immortal, and it works well enough now, but their population will never out-compete humans. alphas are rare!

dwarves are essentially the opposite. they have high levels of testosterone, but also equally-high levels of estrogen. so again, you get mostly betas with a few alphas. I really like your idea about alphas seen as more connected to the stone!

I personally would allow for omega dwarves, since I said it's not a hard rule that all omegas are mages / all mages are omegas, but that is a super interesting tidbit to through into the world-building! for mine, I probably will say that omega dwarves are as rare as alpha elves, or maybe even rarer, since they tend to have ~mystery side effects~

they're cut off from magic, but their natural affiliation for it as omegas leaves them constantly feeling like something is wrong. they tend to get obsessive and anxious, even more so than the typical stereotype for omegas. since there's not even the benefit of magic, omega dwarves don't have much "value" -- although sometimes a bloodline struggling to produce heirs will reluctantly pull in an omega bc their lower testosterone levels make them more likely to successfully carry a child to term

again, like elves, their population will never compete with humans. helps explain dwarves officially only having like, one city's (two with the newly-discovered thaig) worth of people

I'll actually differ a bit here to say qunari strictly have either high levels of testosterone OR high levels of estrogen. with how much bs bioware has shoved into making them violent and bestial as the canon race with grey / black skin, I'm not comfortable saying they're all Alphas + super masculine

but it does make sense that's the caste humans most commonly see! if you only ever see Antaam / Qun warriors, those are always going to be Alphas. always. the Qun does very strictly divide societal roles by A/B/O biology, although with little to no thought given to (irl) "gender" or "sex" beyond that

so yes, you can have female soldiers, but they're always Alphas, and repeated translation errors between Qunari and humans mean that Qunari translate soldier as "male" and vice versa. Tamassran are likewise strictly omegas, also translated as "female"

when asked about "female soldiers" (Common tongue), that therefore translates into Qun as "not-soldiers who are soldiers" or "soldiers who don't admit they're soldiers" ie, spies and assassins. Qunari obviously do not admit to human convoys they have those, and if you admit you do, you get attacked

beta Qunari are super rare, but I love the world-building of making THEM the leadership! their minds (hormones) are more balanced, more suited for studying the Qun, and for making decisions for both alphas and omegas as a whole. betas are typically scholars, merchants, diplomats, government workers, and religious leaders

Tamassran having high levels of estrogen with low testosterone levels means they do have the birth rates to populate an entire continent beyond the sea and could theoretically replace humans as the dominant race in Thedas

meanwhile! humans have WHAT THE FUCK EVER. you literally never know what you're going to get with human babies. one baby? yeah sure, usually, but they can whelp those things out three or five or eight at a time like puppies

what's the most common biology? uhhh, betas ... probably??? depending how you count! humans have such varied levels of testosterone and estrogen that what humans consider an "even" amount for a beta is what other races would peg squarely as a regular alpha or omega

which is why you get the concept of betas presenting more as alphan or omegan in human societies, specifically!

on the other hand, when humans have higher levels of one hormone or the other, it often rivals the absolute upper limit for most other races. an omega human mage can easily become as powerful as an elven mage, despite elves having a much more natural affinity (now known bc they're descended from literal spirits). even a beta human mage isn't really slowed down by not being an omega. beta humans can train and become just as fierce warriors as alpha qunari

and you can have any number of recessive traits randomly pop out of a human bloodline, even racial traits from generations ago. that's why human heights can vary from literal dwarven sizes to even taller than qunari. some grow thick beards and some have no body hair at all. their male and female "genders" are strictly opposite--except when they're not

basically, other races side-eyeing humans as the slutty mutts of the world that can reproduce with anything, pop out a million kids, and are only so obsessed with gender roles bc they don't actually have any internal genetic structure

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

Hi, I sent an ask to this blog about 3-4 years ago under “❤️” anon. I was struggling with paranoia and in a bad mental state when I found this blog and really related to the things that were being posted. Eventually I worked up the courage to send my ask and list off some of my symptoms in hopes of getting advice because I was desperate. And im not sure who exactly responded but whoever answered suggested I might have BPD and after looking into it, it turns out that was right.

Im SO sorry if this is extremely forward but being 100% genuine, that reply to my ask probably saved my life. I was having terrible paranoid episodes that were literally ruining my relationships with family, friends, teachers, and strangers. I could not interact with anyone without being terrified they hated me or wanted to harm me, but pinning my issues down to BPD made it so much easier to start managing myself and understanding what exactly I was going through.

After lots of help from someone who has been very patient and understanding with me, I cope with paranoia and anger so much easier, I never spiral like I used to, and I know how to handle my splits. My life is complete different now. Again, sorry if this comes off strong or sudden but I randomly remembered tonight that the only reason I ever looked into how to manage bpd was because a tumblr blog had mentioned it to me so I started searching hoping this account was still active.

Thank you, even if you have no memory of that ask. I might not have ever realized what I was going through if i hadn’t gotten that response, or at least, I wouldn’t have realized as soon as I did and I really feel like I would have missed out on years of my life. I’m really grateful and blogs like yours are so important as safe spaces for people who are struggling. Thank you ❤️

Hello! Yes, I do remember (especially after sifting through the blog to refresh myself on the specifics of your old ask)!

Please don't apologize for being forward, I actually appreciate it!! I'm really really happy you were able to figure out what was going on with you and why you were struggling, and it does make me happy to know I was able to help you in this endeavor! ^_^

I'm also proud of you for getting help and being able to find people who are understanding and patient with you! I know that must have been at least somewhat hard and likely a bit of a ride, especially at the beginning... but to know that you are doing well now is genuinely so awesome.

It's a bit strange to think about, since I think the blog was rather new at the time when you sent that ask and I wasn't the most knowledgeable on both in how to run a blog where people genuinely needed advice and how to word myself correctly when trying to help people, but knowing I still managed to be helpful is really cool... when I first started this blog it was lowkey just a personal vent thing but it's definitely grown to be a place where people can ask for informed help and validation from someone who Gets It, vent their struggles with PPD and paranoia (and even other related disorders/issues), and have solidarity with others and know they aren't alone in dealing with these sort of things.

Thank you as well for being so sweet in this ask and I hope your life continues to go smoothly and be filled with happiness and understanding! 🫶🏼

-Mod Clemont

[magnumdays]

Magnum PI - S05E11 - Hit and Run review

We're back. I guess. It feels strange knowing these are the last ten episodes it seems likely we're getting but judging from just this first one it's going to keep on being one heck of a ride at least for that :P

(Full honestly, something is wrong with my internet so I watched this with like 1 million little lags and annoying loading bits so... may have affected my viewer enjoyment. Also gotta go to bed because I gotta work tomorrow so this is a little short and 5% spell checked...)

Miggy

Wham-bam, thank you, ma'am. It would have been more shocking if we hadn't gotten the "I'm late in the promo" but still, it was fun to explore this for an episode. They didn't touch back on what Juliet said about not being sure if she wanted a baby or not, but from how the discussion went today she seemed to have changed her tune. Would have been good to have addressed. I thought the would with Magnum being incredibly award when she told him. (This was low-key a favorite part of mine because not knowing what to say Magnum is pretty rare.)

Loved that they're keeping the Miggy banter and Thomas Magnum logic going strong even with big life-changing-ish news looming on the horizon.

"Yeah but if you are pregnant you will be more pregnant tomorrow."

"Just like how you said you weren't scared of spiders?"

I think this was a big set-up for how the series is going to end. Which I think is going to be very Mentalist and we kind of needed to have them talk about and want a baby, even if not right now. (Seriously, if the show doesn't end with a Miggy wedding and baby on board I'm going to be annoyed.)

So yeah, I'm glad they had the baby talk and that it leads to Confessions! (have I been watching too much K-drama? Maybe. Yes.)

And is it weird that I cried there with them being all "I love you" at the end? Like I thought, kind of that I'd gone through my mourning process for this both with thinking season 4 was the end and during the past few months knowing season 5b is the last. But apparently, I was wrong. I still have tears left.

Watching this episode just kind of made me realize how much I love this show (all over again) and that I'm going to miss it and my babies sooo much.

TC being sad = sadness

It's was kind of hard to watch our favorite guy going through tough stuff. I feel like the *protect TC at all cost* society will sue someone :P no but I was really thankful things seem to be going in the right direction for him both with emotionally dealing and getting some feeling back!

Rick + Piper...

So Rick's got a new GF? I feel like she gotta have some connection to something bigger. Like she's for sure a spy or something right? Wasn't her being all "that dump never" just too great of a start? I mean Rick is cute and all, but just introducing her as a love interest would be a little frivolous? Though they have done that before with Ethan and Lia.

Anyway, Piper is cute and I can't wait to see what happens with it.

The Case!

I really liked this case, even if it the excitement was somewhat lost because my internet kept lagging. It's pretty classic "hitman decides to save victim" only with a Magnum and Higgins twist. It could have gone a lot of different ways and in a way it felt a little too quick for it to end. (I think this might be another K-drama symptom where most things just keep going throughout the season.) I was hoping/thinking when I heard "boarding school, sick mom" that we'd get a Juliet/kid bonding moment.

I would have liked Mr. Hitman to not have died so unceremoniously. I mean this poor kid, her mom is dead, her dad is dead, her brother just tried to kill her with 2 hitmen and now the guy who saved her (even if he was a hitman to start) dies? I mean come on! Couldn't he have gotten caught and she'd be like "I'll come visit you in jail" or something?

The Jin + Book

Are we going to get more flashbacks of Jin imagining the White Knight with superpowers? Because that was so weirdly hilarious. I was like? What? What? WHAT? Then I totally cracked up.

But yeah, hope we have something more with the TR Bell + White Knight. That kiss back from early season 4 is still one of my faves of theirs (even if it wasn't actually 'them'.)

Next week seems fun! Like, repo a fish? What a strange world, but it sure going to be amusing.