#it's gotten to the point where i am hyper-vigilant and LOOKING for reasons not to trust someone

[goldlightsaber]

i think between the pandemic, my mental health issues, various life events/factors, and people genuinely being shitty, i developed (without realizing it) a deep, deep distrust of people that has hurt me more than it has helped me. i'm only realizing it now that i'm deciding to slowly open up again and allowing myself to feel love for others. i was so trusting before and used to see the good in everyone, but i wasn't prepared for how people might hurt me or disappoint me and i went very severely in the other direction as a result of those hurts and saw villainy everywhere

[grapecaseschoices]

Representation in IF (or the lack thereof)

In recent days, the topic of race and ethnicity - as well as treatment of marginalized communities within IFs and their fandoms - has been the premier point of conversation. It has become paramount for people of color, lately, to advocate for themselves in regards to issues of white washing, stereotypes, and white people (...and sadly, other people of color) feeling too comfortable using slurs.

Nothing new there.

As I saw someone recently point out, this is something that crops up every two months. And if you’ve been on tumblr for that length of time, in more than more than one fandom, this is likely something you’ve had to deal with several times within that space of time. It’s an unfortunate byproduct of being a fan of color. (And, often, any type of minority, period.)

We don’t get to escape within the internet into fantasy the same way the “majority” gets to do so. If it isn’t toxic people in the community, it is being disappointed by content creators - either through their comments (or lack thereof) or what they put out in their work.

I can’t speak for every black person or every person of color, however, my fandom experience is one of hyper vigilance. And I’ve noticed that sort of attitude in others.  We have to cut away from certain parts of the fandom. Or cut out work we used to love because of certain outlooks or behaviors.

It is a protective attitude that I’m unapologetic about. By curating my content consumption, it’s pushed me to find, and support, artists that care enough to see people like me as people.  Someone mentioned to me that “as marginalized communities, we have a right to be choosy about our representation in media.” And I agree. We do and we should never, ever feel guilty about it. 

That being said, it can feel kind of alienating.

As I mentioned before, there’s been a continued - one I am glad for - movement in the IF/VN community in calling out bad representation (and treatment of fans).  Fans have pushed for accountability and gotten it. However, I’ve noticed - or at least, I feel - the call for change is sort of limited. There’s a hesitance in our community to ask for that same change of ‘indie’/smaller creators as we do of companies or more established writers. And, honestly, this hesitance has left me with a feeling that the IF/VN community isn’t really one for people of color, particularly black people.

Now, I’m one who tries to give credit where credit is due. The creation of ~interact-if … is probably one of the best things I have ever seen in any community (and I’ve been in fandom/written rpg since HS). I’ve also noticed an increase of writers of color feeling comfortable in writing for their culture or having characters of their culture as well as white creators holding themselves accountable. All of that is what keeps me hopeful about improvement regarding IF works but motivates me to one day do my own. That being said, there is still a lot that needs to be addressed regarding the whiteness of IF work and the depiction of characters of color.

I am going to start off by saying something that may come off as kind of harsh. If you know me, you know what I’m going to say, so you can clock out. If you don’t, take a deep breath, feel frustrated, and then let it go to move on: I don’t think uncomfortability with writing about a marginalized group or unfamiliarity with said group is an excuse. I don’t think “well it’s my work, this is what I know/this is what I want to write” is an excuse. 

IF works in the year 2021 are uncomfortably, awkwardly white (and able-bodied, cis, thin, etc). And I do not think there is ANY excuse, ANY actual reason for it to be that way.

I am sure there are several excuses coming to mind (as I said, I’ve been in RP and fanfic for years, I’ve seen them all—heck, I’ve thought them all. I still do think them at times). However, I’ve always held to the belief that every work that is put out into the universe matters. Everything has an impact.  NO work is too small, nothing is too insignificant. Every art has an effect. And if you’re writing a story, telling a tale, something from your heart to share with others you’re trying to affect your environment in some way, you’re trying to say something.

I feel a lot of us—as I said, I include myself in this too—do not consider what we’re saying to our audience when we create works that are mostly white (or when we can’t have a single character or work with numerous characters that are disabled, fat, mentally ill, trans, I can go on). 

If you’re writing a story, I don’t think you can give yourself any pats on the back for having one or two characters of color. I think we’ve moved beyond that type of ‘diversity by numbers’ … especially when the numbers are often piss poor.  I’m seeing IFs where there are three characters of color to six white ROs. Not only is that ‘ratio’ (for lack of a better word) shitty on it’s own, people don’t consider that the actual dynamic is 1:1:1:6. People of color are not a monolith. I, as a black Haitian-American woman, may have similar experiences as an indigenous woman from Canada and a persian person from Iran …. But we are not the same. Yes, it is great to have a diversity of characters. I’m not saying you shouldn’t include people from different backgrounds in your works.

But please consider why it is never the case that there are two Japanese-Brazilians, three black people from Manchester, and a mixed-race Indigenous/Afro-Latina from Queens, and one white person. It is extremely rare to see multiple of one race or ethnicity in an IF if that race isn’t white.

I feel not only is that problem, I believe it is a conversation that needs to be had. Both as a community and as something writers discuss with themselves, as they review their work. 

And that is the tip of the iceberg. We need to have discussions on the tendency of characters of color to have light colored eyes, or the preference of East Asians (and light skinned ones at that) over any other Asian, or the ambiguously brownness of descriptors. We need to talk about white-washing in face claims that directly oppose established descriptions, or how Artbreeder being bad at black people is NOT an excuse for your black character looking similar to the one in three different other IFs (put the effort in). 

We as a community need to have several discussions or else I feel it will be another five years before we’re dragging our feet toward better representation. And that shouldn’t be the case. At all. 

[elsanna-shenanigans]

December Contest Submission #8: Scintillating

words: ca. 4500 setting: mAU lemon: yes cw: alcohol consumption, nipple play, some swearing, not vegan-friendly decor

Condensation coiled past her lips, fogging her vision and drawing her eyes up to the spattering of stars above them. For a moment, Elsa forgot all about the reason that had brought them here in the first place, stopping in her tracks to gaze up in wonderment. A smile drew itself slowly across her lips as she fell into the beauty of the cold, distant lights cast down on the frozen, snow-shrouded wilderness around them. She tilted her head and the whitish grey faux-fur trim of her midnight blue winter jacket brushed softly against her cheek as she tried recognizing the constellations above her.

“Anna.” 

Her voice was barely above a whisper, yet it had been so quiet around them but for the shuffling of their boots through snow that Elsa knew her younger sister wouldn’t have had to strain to hear her name. She tore her gaze away from the firmament to find Anna had already cued into the night’s glory overhead, and her heart swelled at the awestruck delight on the freckled face she held so dear. Freckles she couldn’t help but note had the same chaotic harmony as the stars they admired. They were rivalled only by the twinkle of mirth in Anna’s eyes and Elsa’s breath hitched as her eyes ran over the soft, beautiful lines of her cheekbones, her jawline, her throat, her nose, her mouth… Elsa averted her eyes from the delicately pink lips, exhaling shakily. Virtue of habit.

“I hope we get enough clear skies while we’re here, I could be out every night.”

Anna’s eyes went wide with apprehension and it was all Elsa could do to bite back a smirk, thinking of how expressive her sister was. ‘Don’t you dare make me choose between stargazing and standing around in -32°C weather’

“Yeah well, I’m not sure I could be, if it’s as cold as it is now.”

Elsa chuckled, her words having simply confirmed what her eyes had already communicated.

“Aw c’mon,” she teased gently. “I’ll keep you warm.”

“At this rate you’re going to have to light me on fire if you don’t want me to freeze before we make it to the chalet. Besides, you’re going to like the master bedroom.”

She shook her head wordlessly at the hyperbole, considering that while granted, the snow was knee deep, they were only a couple of footfalls away from the front steps. The house loomed darkly, melding into the thicket of pine trees behind it, but for the fairy lights that caused the snow beneath them to scintillate with prismatic pastels, each individual snowflake detaching itself from the rest this way. It was the sort of small wonders that gave Elsa reason to look forward to winter each year. 

Readjusting her backpack, Elsa gave one last effort hoisting herself out of the snow to climb up the front porch and immediately began digging for the key that’d sunk to the bottom of her pocket. After a moment of struggling, feeling for it through her gloves, she pulled it out triumphantly and unlocked the front door. She bared her hands and dropped her backpack, blindly feeling for a light switch. When she finally did, her eyes fluttered in adjusting to the brightness. The interior was shockingly well-curated, the very definition of rustic chic between the wood, the stone, the plaid, the sheepskin, furs etc. A touch of charm and magic came by the way of understated yet elegant seasonal decorations. Mistletoe, cedar wreaths, holly, pine garlands accented by silver, red and blue ornaments. Logs and kindling were set up in the fireplace, ready to be set alight. 

It was nothing short of a miracle that they’d even been able to book this on such short notice. Honestly, she had no idea where and how Anna had managed to find this rental, but it was proving to blow up her expectations at every turn. Granted, when her sister had announced that they would need to drive roughly 7 and a half hours to get here, Elsa’s excitement had been mitigated, at best. Yet she also knew that its remoteness was likely what made the destination so affordable. And more importantly, now that they were here she understood there was a great deal of comfort in putting that much distance between them and their apartment in Ottawa, along with their roommates and friends. For the first time in years, it was just the two of them. 

The thought brought back into focus the main reason they’d even decided to get away for the winter holidays to spend them with each other.

They had a lot to talk about. 

Elsa glanced back, checking up on Anna who was pulling the toboggan they’d cleverly brought along to more easily transport all of their things from the car. She noted the unsteady grip and sought to deliver her from the icy wind.

“Why don’t you go get the fire started? I’ll get the rest of the stuff inside.” 

The younger woman didn’t need to be asked twice, dropping the toboggan’s cord and hurriedly shuffling through the snow, running up towards the warmth of the house. Elsa half expected her to immediately disappear inside, but that was something Anna had no intentions of doing without first stopping to throw her arms around her older sister. Caught off guard, Elsa did not immediately respond, but after a few moments had passed, she hesitantly brought her hands up to embrace her waist. 

“Thank you,” Anna whispered, her lips tickling against her ear.

Elsa shuddered, and it wasn’t from the cold. 

✧✧✧

It had taken some time for the chalet to warm up properly after Anna had gotten the fire going, but that had suited them just fine. Elsa had fixed them up some hot chocolate, with a healthy splash of Bailey’s and a hint of peppermint, crowned with marshmallows. She’d glanced down, gaze softened by tender affection as Anna had curled up against her on the couch, strands of red tickling Elsa’s collarbone as their beverages had heated them up from the inside out. The cold outside was soon forgotten as the flames had roared up, hot air cradling their faces in conjunction with the heavy blanket they’d drawn up over themselves. 

Elsa’s mind had soon grown restless however, the initial serenity engineered by the enchantment of their new setting dissipating as her thoughts had raced back to the conversation they’d kept on hold for exactly eighteen days (she’d kept count). Shackled by habit she’d wanted to slide her hand down to rest on Anna’s waist, fingertips seeking the hem of her sweater, but she’d taken forever before actually deciding to make a move. 

At the time she’d found it easier to simply talk about the future than the present, telling Anna that they would need to set a reminder for the following day to try and witness the Great Conjunction between Saturn and Jupiter, which would this year occur on the Winter Solstice. She’d blushed sheepishly when Anna had pointed out that lack of light pollution was yet another reason she’d wanted to venture so far from what most people would commonly regard as civilization, knowing and understanding how beautifully rare it was to be alive for such a celestial event. 

The as of yet unspoken words had continued to tighten her throat, preventing her from bringing up the subject she was so anxious to broach, but was terrifyingly paralyzed by. It hadn’t been until their drinks were close to done (without counting the occasional topping off with more coffee liqueur) that Elsa’s tongue finally decided to cooperate with her brain. Eighteen days had been far too long to chew on their last exchange about the matter at hand, overthinking, overanalyzing, second guessing everything that had been said. 

By now, she felt pretty warm and she allowed the blanket to slide off her a little more, unzipping her hoodie, skin gently glowing with the flickering, crackling of the fire. 

“Anna, I…”

She felt her sister shift slightly, likely looking up at her. Elsa wetted her lips nervously, knowing she had her  full attention.

“We…”

The struggle was real, but she was glad there wasn’t any interjection coming. She made a mental note to thank Anna for her patience later. 

“Firstly I’m sorry I cut you off so abruptly when we talked about… this, a few weeks ago.” 

Perhaps it was a calculated nonchalance on her part but on the other hand she figured it would just sound strange to actually say ‘eighteen days ago’ out loud. 

“And I hope,” she continued. “That you understand what I meant when I said that we needed to talk this out some more, I wouldn’t want you to think I didn’t feel the same way.” 

There was a slight loss of body heat as Anna sat up a little straighter. It was brief, however, as she felt a hand gently grasp the side of her face, tilting her head down towards her sister.

“Elsa. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not, you deserve clarity, I-“

“Elsa.” 

Her lips fell heavy and she stopped talking, looking down at the dark intensity in Anna’s gaze. 

“You think too much. And gods, I’m Twenty-five, not Fifteen. I know I’ll always be your ‘baby sis’ - oh yeah, I’ve seen your caller ID listing - but I’m not a naive, innocent little girl anymore. I understand.” 

Elsa dared to lean slightly into the touch on her face, her gaze softening. She felt a thumb brush gently against the edge of her cheekbone and managed a smile.

“What do you understand?” 

“I understand that you’re scared. Hell, I am fucking terrified. I understand that I want you in ways I shouldn’t, love you in ways beyond my mandate as your little sister. I understood with every kiss, every lingering touch we shared that night that you felt the same way. I also understand why you pulled away after I kissed your neck, because I know you, Elsa. I know you don’t trust yourself, I know you have so carefully crafted an armour and delicately cultivated a self-possessed facade to protect yourself from the world. And I also understand what it would mean for us, for our lives if one of our roommates or friends were to discover the truth.  And I know it must have felt like torture for you to be so hyper vigilant about the way you spoke to me, the way you looked at me, the way you touched me and the restraint you exerted. I could feel the fucking fire coming off of you. So I understand why you said what you said - you were buying time, and I understand why you acted the way you did - you were protecting us both.”

Her eyebrows had risen and she stared at Anna, completely bewildered at what she was hearing. Though she was ordinarily loquacious, her sister was seldom ever so brutally to the point. More than that, she realized this meant Anna somehow knew about the feelings Elsa had harboured for her for quite some time. She wondered how long, worried that if Anna had noticed, others might have seen the crack in her tower of ice. 

“You knew?” 

That’s all she could manage and she felt ridiculous, knowing she was normally well-spoken and articulate, though one might have noted it was only when the situation pertained to matters impersonal, relative to herself. Her mouth felt dry and her gaze wandered briefly away from Anna’s eyes, to the crown of dampness forming at her temples from the heat that now enveloped them both, inside out. As much as Elsa appreciated the crisp, unforgiving sharpness of cold winter air, she knew Anna was likely very happy to be sweating indoors instead.

“I didn’t say anything because I knew being the big gay lesbian you are, you needed some time to process and a safe space to say your piece… but do you really think I begged you to drive 8 hours north into the sticks just so we could talk?” 

Elsa’s mind went into overdrive as she tried to comprehend what Anna was saying. It seemed as though her brain was yet again trying to overanalyze, overthink what she was being told. 

“What do you mean?”

She tensed up a little as she heard Anna’s exasperated sigh. Any doubts she had previously held however, were dissipated the moment she felt a thumb trace the curve of her lower lip, followed by a soft, delicate mouth pressing against hers in its wake.

Oh.

Her heart was now beating so hard she could feel it in her throat. The kiss electrified her body, lighting it up with a fire she’d never quite felt before and the sparks lingered on her lips. Even if her head had been clear and focused in the moment, she wouldn’t have been able to recall any previous incidence of the single act of kissing, sending heat and lightning in the pit of her lower belly. She’d had chemistry, good chemistry with other people even but nothing like this. There was no way the Bailey’s alone could be blamed for it and that thought both enthralled and terrified her. The hand she’d kept at Anna’s waist slid up the sweater, under her shirt, finding the velvety dew of her skin pleasant to her fingertips. How long had it been since she’d first realized she craved and longed to touch her sister in this way? How long had it been since fear had guided and controlled her every movement, shackling her most human needs and impulses to touch, to hug, to nuzzle the person she held dearest in this world? How long had it been since the guilt began to gnaw at her? How long had it been now since the constant mental self-flagellation, driven by self-loathing had overtaken her identity and so twisted and tainted her self-perception? How long had it been since she’d completely choked out any trace of spontaneity within her, for fear it might one day betray the repulsive, repugnant truth she’d come to believe represented her? How long had she allowed it to take over her life until it tainted every one of her interactions? Too long. Far too long. She didn’t know that the damage would ever be undone. But, here under the cast of the fire’s warm glow, for the first time in forever, her mind flirted with the idea of self-forgiveness.

For the first time in forever, she could allow herself to be free.

On some level it hadn’t fully sunk in yet, and even as she finally allowed this sort of contact, the habit of caution kept her gestures on a tight, controlled reign, not quite ready yet to forget herself. Fear and guilt were, after all, powerful enemies, bridling her every impulse even now as sharp sparks jolted through her nervous system, crackling from her lips combined to Anna’s.

It was a fortunate thing that Anna knew what she wanted though, and was determined to get it. Unbeknownst to Elsa, she too had been sitting on this obsessive craving for a fruit so forbidden she had to plan an entire holiday to finally get a taste. Elsa’s breath was shallow as she watched her lean back to tug her sweater off, discarding it to the floor hurriedly. Her nipples were visible under the fabric of her tank top and Elsa thought she might choke as she noticed them. Desire gnawed at the chains of self control. Sanity was packing its bags, ready to vacate the premises when she felt fingernails lightly scratching at her jaw line, flirting with the tender skin of her throat. Fear and guilt were beginning to lose their grip, inch by inch and by the time Anna was brushing up her thigh against Elsa’s side, they were out of sight and out of mind.

Finally, Elsa left the safe harbour of her mouth, lips kissing up the line of her jaw to her earlobe where she gently nipped, down the curve of her neck - all to the delight of Anna, who’s gentle mewling sent heated flames of need licking at the core of Elsa’s lower belly. Her timidity almost completely vanished, she pushed Anna back down on the couch, shifting so that she was now laying on top of her, and she lapped her tongue softly at the base of her throat. She felt Anna’s body arch beneath her and where the alcohol might have left them fairly tipsy, she was now tasting what it felt like to be drunk on power. 

Unfortunately, the couch was fairly narrow and their hips bumped uncomfortably. She even tried to set a foot down on the floor to steady herself as she captured Anna’s lips and ran a hand ravenously along her side, but she quickly realized that the position would only lead to cramping and disappointment. 

She looked around, one hand subconsciously pressing down on Anna’s sternum as if to ensure she would not go anywhere (as if Anna had any desire whatsoever to be anywhere else in the world at that precise moment). Her eyes lingered briefly on the fire and the lush reindeer skin rug by it, considering her options briefly. She smirked to herself but decided that they would have more opportunities and occasions for her to claim Anna by the fire.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just- what do you say we take this to the bedroom?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

✧✧✧

They’d had thrown as many more logs as they could possibly fit into the fire place, knowing the chances of either of them getting up in the night to keep it going were slim to inexistent. They’d paused only briefly once more to taste each other, touch each other in ways they’d, prior to that moment, barely dared think of, shamefully hidden in the darkest hours of the night. Hurriedly, they’d ran up the stairs, Anna having playfully lured Elsa into giving chase up to the master room, their clothes discarded erratically along the way, as they paused only to catch one another, fumbling with clasps and zippers, struggling with waistbands, insatiable in their kissing.

Inhibitions had retained a thin veil only long enough for her to notice the glorious, star-gazing window right in perfect view of the bed. Anna had been right about her liking the master bedroom. She did not linger on the thought however, her eyes drawn back to Anna’s features illuminated by the beams of moonlight flooding through the windows, an ethereal halo now wrapping around her features, lending her another worldly beauty. Overwhelmed and overthrown, it was like seeing her for the first time, again and she thought her heart might burst open with Anna pulling her down on top of her, the warmth of her skin immediately radiating towards Elsa. 

She found herself hungrily kissing Anna, gaining in confidence with each passing second as she nipped and suckled softly at her lower lip. She smiled against her as she heard the little squeal of surprise this produced. Nails scratched over the nape of her neck, digging into her shoulders, and her sister’s smooth, bare thigh locked around her hip pressing her down against her pelvic bone, which elicited a gasp from the both of them. Elsa slid her tongue just past Anna’s lips whom promptly suckled it in, causing her to moan, and her body subconsciously rocked against hers. 

Her hand slid down the side of Anna’s body, the tremor in her fingertips belying the nervous eagerness crackling hotly in every single one of her cells. The sensation of Anna’s warm, dewy skin against her own set her nerves alight with fire and she had to pull away from the kiss momentarily to check whether she were actually still breathing.

Another jolt of arousal shot down from her spine to her loins as Anna looked up at her, skin flushed and feverish, eyes come hither as she felt her hand coming up to tease one of her breasts. Elsa’s body tensed and her breath hitched, realizing just how strained her nipples had gotten, and how sensitive they were as a result. Her lips fell open as her younger sister teased it, sending sparks of pleasure radiating throughout her body, especially between her thighs. She shifted again slightly, her hip and upper thigh now pressing firmly against Anna’s radiating core. The heated dampness she felt against her skin was enough to cause a rush of wetness between Elsa’s own legs and she reached down again, her mouth seeking Anna’s neck. She kissed her at first gently, then intermingled with nips until she couldn’t resist the temptation anymore, following the thrumming of her pulse against her lips, and began to suckle at the skin, growling as she left her mark. It was something a little possessive, a little territorial, and on a primal level Elsa liked the thought of having visibly claimed what she deemed to be hers and if the way Anna mewled and gasped were any indication it seem she enjoyed it too. Given the nature of their relationship, they had to take full advantage now then, before any trace of it lingered and remained visible upon returning to their lives back in Ottawa. 

Anna arched her body beneath her, causing friction in between their legs, as she began to subconsciously rock up against her. The hand she had been using to tease her nipple cupped the breast more fully, squeezing and massaging ever so gently. Elsa let out a little growl in response to this, and left a trail of love bites on her way down to a pert, rosy breast. She ghosted feathery kisses around the taut nipple, enjoying the feel of the divinely soft skin against her lips, spurred on by the sweet little mewls her younger sister echoed in answer. 

By now, Elsa was humping softly against Anna’s thigh, feeling a blush creep up her neck at the realization of her own arousal. It was further compounded by the feeling of Anna’s wetness against her own thigh, as well as the nails now scratching up her shoulders, leaving scarlet trails on the nape of her neck. She hissed in a mixture of pain and pleasure flexing her thigh and rolling her hips a little more firmly. It was enough to coax her into giving a flick of her tongue over Anna’s nipple who inhaled sharply, and tangled her dainty fingers into the base of Elsa’s messy, platinum braid. Encouraged by this, she glanced up past the trail of darkly, well defined love bites she’d left, to find Anna’s head tossed invitingly to the side, eyes tightly shut in pleasure. It was enough to convince her to capture the aching nipple between her lips giving it an experimental suck. 

Again, she shuddered and rolled her hips as she felt Anna arch her back up against her, and grip in her hair tightening further, which in turn provided a swell of confidence for her. Her lower belly clenched and she suckled a little harder, moaning as she felt the hard peak against the flat of her tongue. Hunger raged and she pressed more fully into any in every way she possibly could. Fire coursed through her when Anna briefly glanced back at her, eyes feverish and glassy, dark with desire, panting with her lips parted as she whispered her name. 

“Elsa…” 

Fuck - how was she so gloriously, ravishingly beautiful? How was this woman here with her, like this, offering the toned, perfect lines and curves of her body and the exquisitely harmonious features of her face? Elsa feasted her eyes, her senses, her fingertips, her skin, her touch. Her ears, her taste and even right down to her scent, as if she were afraid any moment now, this might all slip away. As if, she were afraid Anna would realize her mistake, realize that Elsa weren’t deserving of her. And in turn, it pushed her to be a more attentive, devoted partner in the discovery and exploration of her body, with the sole, fixed goal of bringing Anna to heights yet undiscovered. 

Her hand reached down to caress the curve of Anna’s ass, squeezing and massaging it for a moment before lightly scratching up her hip, her waist, the side of her rib cage, then trailing along her arm, seeking out her hand. She laced her fingers into her sister’s gently, yet firmly pinning back down against the mattress, as her mouth switched from suckling, to worrying the nipple between her teeth. Anna’s breathing turned ragged as the hand still entangled in Elsa’s hair gripped tighter, nails digging into her scalp, and her heated, dripping pussy now humped up desperately against Elsa’s tensed, flexed thigh. 

“More,” Anna whimpered desperately, which promptly caused Elsa’s free hand to find her other breast, fingers rolling the nipple between them. She felt her buck, which gave a pleasantly firm rub against her own, swollen, eager sex and her thigh twitched involuntarily, and squeezed Anna’s hand even as she kept it pinned against the bed.

They were close, she could feel it as much in Anna’s body as in her own. The buildup was coming to a head, and she gave one last heated lick before kissing and nipping her way back up the trail of love bites, up her throat, to the curve of her neck, to her earlobe which she kissed almost reverently, before nipping as she whispered in a husky, breathless voice. “I love you Anna.” 

This seemed to do it for Anna, whom she could feel now desperately humping her leg, likely guided by reflex and instinct more than intent. She moaned loudly and turned her head seeking Elsa’s mouth blindly, wanting to feel all of her, give herself to her entirely, as her orgasm set her whole body alight, like fire raging through her blood, heat blooming from her belly and pooling wetly against her older sister’s skin. 

With their breasts now pressed together, nipples brushing against nipples, digging into skin, and the intoxicating sensation of the power she’d just had over Anna, Elsa finally lost the battle with her self-restraint, her inhibitions discarded with no regard for dignity. She squeezed Anna’s thigh between her own, her belly painfully taut as she built up to her own perfect storm. It was her turn to moan in pleasure as Anna whimpered and mewled through her after shocks, looking up at her in earnest adoration.

“I love you too, Elsa so much.”

Light and heat blinded her for a moment as her body went still, her climax thrashing through her with an intensity she never guessed possible. Her heart raced and her pulse deafened her before she finally dropped her face into the nook of Anna’s neck, kissing it tenderly through ragged breaths. 

The hand previously at Anna’s breast reached up to stroke her ember-coloured hair tenderly, smiling as she heard her giggle. As she recovered slowly, body still lightly trembling, she finally lifted her head up to share tender, lingering kisses, basking in their afterglow. She could’ve sworn she heard her younger sister purring but perhaps the stars in her head hadn’t cleared yet. Anna’s lips briefly left hers to kiss the corner of her mouth, up to her ear, whispering:

“I can’t wait for you to taste me.”

A surge of heat, and suddenly Elsa knew there was beauty in warmth too.

[pansexualromantic]

This last year....

This last year, I learned so much about myself. 

This is a personal post for self reflection

This year has been pretty insane. I remember last Christmas. I had just broken up with my ex, I was living on my own and working a job that didn’t really appreciate the amount of effort that I put forth during such stressful times. I was very infatuated with one of my friends at the time. I was drinking too much and smoking too much weed. I was high all the time.

I spent my time playing games with people I wanted to get close too, and wanted to hopefully get into a new circle, but looking back now I see that I may have been fooling myself into thinking I was something I wasn’t.

There was this constant hope I would be good enough to be around, but I should have known I was. I didn’t, not after all I had been going through at the time. I remember just feeling so brain washed and so completely strung along, but also having such a good time, that I can’t think badly of people that honestly were always very kind to me. I wonder how they are some times, but then I just recall that everyone goes their own ways and I had learned a lot from my time with them in my life.

Eddie and Fluffe, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for truly seeing me, for seeing deep enough into who I really am to bring the good and bad things about myself to light. If I didn’t deal with the bad, I wouldn’t know how to make myself fight that part of me. There is light and dark to everyone, you made me have to deal with it head on, and yes, it was uncomfortable, but that is how I have grown to recognize it in myself. 

The hardest thing I ever had to do was listening to how I think of others when first meeting them. I never seemed to stick to one version of myself, I never actually loved myself, I never felt at home with my decisions and although I was really afraid of myself and who I might become, seeing that and then trying to understand it has made me so much more self aware. Without the tools you showed me, however you did, I am grateful. Meeting you both was a huge turning point for me in accepting myself completely. Although I haven’t achieved that yet, (and may never) I have at least moved forward enough to try to. 

This is a fucked up world we live in, and this last year, it has been made that much clearer to me. Society is a scam built around the rich to keep the lower class as low as possible. It is made to make us insecure, full of self doubt, and consumers in a market that it made to starve us. With the president that we have I fear it will only get worse, but at least I will know the real reason behind it. I know that there is a process that can be taken to at least help with some things but not all, and worse, I know what it really feels to pushed. It is hard, and for some it happens every day of their lives. I understand.

I do little things to do what I can, I know that it will always feel like I’m not doing enough. I will try and be there for what I can. 

Another thing that has changed my life, is my sister coming back from Colorado. The circumstances may have not been the best, but, it was probably what was best for her. She got out of a shitty relationship almost a year after me. I remember her calling me on new years eve, while I was with Eddie and Fluffe, saying that she may have to come home then. She was lonely, she was looked down on and suffocated. The person that she is, I couldn’t see her being happy that way. I am her sibling and support any decision she has about her life. However, receiving that call made my heart so sad for how she felt and I am so happy that she has finally found self love and friendship. It has given me the courage to step out of all the negativity that I have had to endure. I have seen her during some tough times since coming back to Oregon, and I am sure they won’t be the last. I am glad we have each other to look toward for guidance when we are unsure. I will always be there for you, even when you move back like your heart is telling you too. 

Some of this year was very disheartening. With the separation from my ex came money problems to harsh I can’t quite explain, with my mother came mental issues so harsh I almost attempted cutting, or possibly suicide. I had no way of knowing what I would do. I held a knife so close to myself I had no clue what I was going to do with it before I threw it away from me. I got an eviction on my name through no fault of my own. I was unable to keep a job for more then a week for some time. I felt lost, felt stressed, felt like I was sick in the head and going crazy. I felt like nothing and cried, felt so much and just sat there. I beat myself up for small things, and then forgave myself for big things, it just felt like a mess.

I began therapy and meds this year. I got checked to see if I had an STD this year. I cried when I found out I was positive like I believed I might have been. My mistakes from the past came to haunt me the rest of my life, at 24 years old. It was so easy to tell myself that no one would ever want to love me again. I started taking my medication, and talking with my therapist about why things may have been so hard for so long. She said it sounded like I had PTSD, and sure enough, I don’t find that diagnosis to be very far from true. With mental health it is hard to hit the nail on the head, but in this case it was damn close. 

I started the first job I have been able to hold down in the last 6 months in October. I started with the hope of being able to get through the day, make a pay check without my hyper vigilance or anxiety making me walk out like the last several jobs I did have. To this day, I am grateful to have been hired. Yes there are days where this job does kind of suck. I am sore and my body aches but it is worth it to feel even slightly comfortable. I have even made some friends there, and I haven’t done that in a while. I was really afraid of getting close to anyone at the station, only to find out that some amazing people are the main reason I show up, and they appreciate me for it.

The last thing that happened this year, and this has changed my life. It all started with a comment. One comment on this site, about a transman that I saw while I was getting some fabric for a costume. It was a post about trans men being allowed in male only spaces, and not womens only spaces. The person said to me, that my comment was rather rude. Immediately I saw where they were coming from, I apologized, took down the post and felt awful. I noticed that what I did write was offensive and told myself to do more research on the matter so that this mistake would never happen again. After a few months of doing just that, I began to question my own gender. 

As of now, I have been out as a transgender male for 3 months. I told my father on thanksgiving. I told my mother a few days ago, and my sisters have both known for about 5 months. I come out to people constantly, I get “ma’am” a lot at work, but, I have never felt more okay with the idea of being me. This is who I am and I am proud of it. Did I think this would happen a year after getting out of toxic relationship? Hell no, but I feel happier now then I ever did in that situation. Even with my PTSD, my STD, and being transgender, I was able to find someone that loves who I am. That is really what is amazing to me. Someone that tells me, “I’m not with you for your body, I’m here for your personality.” Means they see enough of who I really am, and don’t mind the hard parts of me. 

Well, I guess this has been 2017. From my perspective it was hard at first and has gradually gotten a lot better. At least currently with my life personally. The main downside to this year is the monkey with the nuke button most likely planning to start WW3 but at least I have this time to look back on when we are all in fema camps. 

end of personal post 2017.

[sensitiveeeeee]

It’s odd to feel like someone else’s life is in your hands. There is a low chance of the worst happening, but the worst has happened before. The chance will never be low enough.

Judy is a tough veteran. She’s been with the agency for 15 years. I don’t know how she’s stayed after what happened. I don’t think I could. It’d give me PTSD, but maybe she’s so used to the PTSD from her time in the military that she can’t imagine her life without it. Or maybe she feels like she owes her life to this place or something, even though what happened was not her fault, of course. Or maybe she’s simply tougher and stronger than I am. She hasn’t shown a lot of emotion. But I dared to ask her what happened that night, years ago. I could see her visually recalling it.

“She had actually been acting silly that night, rolling the towels up and whipping people with them and laughing. She got so upset that we wouldn’t let her go home because of her behavior. We didn’t have a lot of backup. She ran out and got all the way to the bridge. She jumped to her death.”

I had so many questions, but we were interrupted. I cannot comprehend that, and I pray to God that I am never forced to. I don’t think I’m strong enough. So I am hyper-vigilant during crises, but I guess that’s what’s needed.

It’s been a couple hours since the last crisis I witnessed and took part in, but I can’t stop seeing the fire in this girl’s glazed-over eyes. I remained calm. This was not the worst of my battles here. Not worse than the black eye and not worse than being pinned to the ground. I feel numb to all this. People seemed surprised that I didn’t seem scared. And I truly wasn’t scared for myself this time. But my mind still won’t shut up.

I ran to the scene after hearing my radio go off. She was surrounded by therapists. I guess she’d had a tough session, and her fight/flight response was going off in her “trauma brain.” She decided to make a break for it, so I ran ahead of her, and she sped up as soon as I got in front of her and blocked the door. The alarm sounded for the first time that day.

I’ve always loathed any extra weight I’ve had, but in this moment I was more body-positive than ever, thanking God for every bountiful feast He’d ever given me. Those indulgent sins allowed me to use more weight than she had to my advantage and possibly save this girl from getting out and running into a car, or finding that damn bridge. Shit has gotten more real than I ever expected it to, but tragedy like that is when it becomes “too real” for me. That’s when I’ll have had enough, even though in some ways I’m a glutton for punishment. Not. On. My. Watch.

I pressed all of myself against that exit door, but this didn’t stop her from turning around and darting down the hall to the opposite exit. I flew past the others. I probably said something rude in my anxiety, like “come on guys.” They weren’t very used to these situations. Not the way that I was, a lowly floor staff member. They didn’t even have radios on them. They didn’t even know how to use the radios. But luckily, someone else met me at the other door and was blocking it, while others stayed put to block other exits. We danced around for a bit until she found the unlocked door to the multi-purpose-room, where she began banging on windows. The others tried all other kinds of verbal de-escalation tactics, some of which I internally cringed at, not that I really blamed them for trying. I just knew that she wasn’t in the space to listen to anything we were saying. Any rational part of her brain was off-line at this point, so she wasn’t going to process any lesson-teaching or insight-building.

At this time, all we could really do was wait until she wore herself out. At one point, she barricaded herself in a corner with chairs placed in front of her, which I was perfectly fine with. At least I knew she’d be safe that way. It appeared that she was calming down, but she was really just regaining her strength. She made her way to the door I was blocking. We struggled a lot. At this moment, the director knocked on the door. “Not now,” I said. I guess I could be ruder in moments of such stress. The girl made her way back over to the windows, and I cracked the door open. I told my boss where we were at in this. When I saw the girl eying the door again, I politely told my superior, “I’m gonna shut the door on you now.”

She came over and fought with me again. She never tried to hit me because I wasn’t trying to soothe her by touching her, as the therapist kept doing. She hit the therapist several times. The girl I knew would never hit anyone, but this wasn’t the girl I knew. In this time, that girl was gone.

This same therapist took it upon herself to “lead” us, this unlikely team of therapists, nurses, a case manager, and me. These were the people who happened to be around during the onset of the crisis, with the exception of me, who was summoned. She ordered us to open the door and escort this girl to the seclusion room. There were more team members waiting on the other side of the door, so I put my doubts aside. I really don’t have a leader personality, even though I seemed to have the most experience in that room. They probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyway, being the youngest and of a “lower” position. But I digress. We opened the door.

She made her way to the nearest exit and struggled with those who were waiting there, and I made my way to the opposite exit. But soon I saw her reflection through the glass door, running toward me before anyone could warn me. I turned around and took my blocking stance as I stood face to face with her, and the director joined me. Even though I tried my best, she was able to squeeze herself between me and the door. This door wasn’t the exit. It was a glass door in the hallway leading to the exit. Of course, in that moment, she had more leverage because the door opened out, not in. So all I could do was pull the handle with all my might as she pushed her adrenaline-filled, panicked body against it. The director told me to not hurt myself, probably fearful that something would happen to me again and I’d be angered with the agency. But again: Not. On. My. Watch.

The girl tried to pry my sweaty, slippery hands off the metal handle. I somehow managed to push the girl back and quickly let myself out, where I could push the glass door from the other side rather than have to pull. Now I had more leverage. So even though the door had no lock, no matter how many times this girl threw herself against this door, I was keeping it in place.

At this moment, Judy walked up the stairs and came behind me, looking at the scene, and I caught her gawking expression through the reflection of the glass. “Hey, Judy,” I calmly greeted without turning around as I remained leaning against the door which this girl was currently trying to break down. “Hey,” she said, and walked up to stand next to me. I think at this point the girl moved on to another place. Maybe it was this time that she shattered the window leading to the therapy offices. My colleague and I stood there watching as I remained guarding my post. We spoke without looking at one another. “She’s gone,” I said. “Oh yeah,” Judy said. “She should get tired here soon.” I really thought she would’ve already. We exchanged a few more words and Judy returned to her work with the other residents, and the CEO joined me. I think at this time, the girl ran back to where I was and made a running kick to my door, but it didn’t move. I still had the leverage. I think this was the last little battle I fought before the girl finally de-escalated at the sight of someone with higher power who could make changes to her case plan, which is what she was truly afraid for and was trying to fight/flight.

I’m not sure why this is the incident I took the time to recount. Maybe because this was long enough to be significant to me, but it was not too detailed and upsetting like other times I’ve had. I don’t know where my life is heading, but I know I won’t forget times like this, and I need to process them in some way. This helps me process so that I can do it again tomorrow if something arises. It is a very different feeling, when you feel like someone’s life could be riding on your physical strength. And my physical strength is very limited.

In my own childhood and adolescence, I had a very sheltered, privileged, simple life. Maybe my self-loathing is why I chose not to stay in that bubble. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be protected from things like this. I felt drawn to the darkness that so many of these teenagers run from. Maybe it’s because I felt that I needed a reason to be as sad as I felt when I was that age? And they have every reason to be. How fucked up is that? It makes me hate myself more.

I don’t know how to end this dramatic, angsty, possibly pretentious “essay” I’ve written. I’m exhausted. But I will wake up tomorrow and try again.

[laufire]

i don’t see zechoraven, but i very much appreciate and can relate to your dedication to polyshipping.

I think I like ot3(+)s so much because of the exponential possibility of conflict lmao. Navigating the extra difficulties, each character’s priorities… I usually end up shipping them when I find the canon dynamics between 3+ characters already fascinating, but also simply when I like two ships for one character and I want to see them interact (which is why I love polyships that at least start in V form, as in, one character is with/has feelings for two people, and how that evolves -maybe to a triad, maybe not. Idk, I dig it xD).

Some of current fave t100 polyships, because why not:

Anything involving Bellamy/Emori/Murphy/Raven, simply because they’re my faves and I love them :P. In canon I’d pick Emori/Murphy/Raven (memoven? memoraven?) because we’ve gotten tons of good material, but rn I’m really into Bellamy/Emori/Murphy (…. mellemori?) because I ended up including a short-lived subplot in one of my WIPs and it has ~potential IMO. 

Bellamy/Raven/Shaw (zavenbell lol). Mostly due to my Raven-stanning, but I started to write a fic about a week ago and I can really get behind this. The funniest thing is that so far canon hasn’t contradicted it (partly because I kept details of how Shaw ended up on their side ~vague enough), and I even guessed right that a) Diyoza would love to get rid of McCreary and b) that Echo would see killing Shaw as the best move against Eligius. Now, if the show follows through and makes half of the self-indulgent shit I’ve written so far canon, I’ll explode xD.

Bellamy/Miller/Raven. Or more like, Bellamy/Miller + Bellamy/Raven (Miller is Very Gay and I’ve barely seen him interact with Raven -I don’t even remember if they ever talk with each other tbh-, so I’m not as into their dynamic as I might be otherwise. There’s also a fic in my drafs including them. Because. 

Bellamy/Raven/Wells. Again, more as a V ship with Bellamy/Raven + Bellamy/Wells, because we never saw how Raven/Wells could’ve played. I guess the right writer could persuade me. I have another WIP that deals with the Braven+Wellamy situation. At this point, just assume I have a WIP for almost anything with this fandom, paired with a mix of perfectionism and adhd issues that makes it really hard to follow through ¬¬

Bellamy/Echo/Raven. But with certain caveats because… well, I am very aware of the fact that, if I stanned Echo instead of Raven, I would at the very least dislike them (and Echo/Raven), and that makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrite lol. Alas, I can be into it. 

Murphy/Raven/Shaw (zurven, fight me). Blame this post by @murphystartedthefire -the idea of Shaw crushing on both of them is hilarious, okay. 

Echo/Raven/Shaw. The idea occurred to me last week, but I forgot until I saw that gifset xD. This is one of those cases where I just dig a high stakes conflict between 3 people and go with it. But seriously, the looks between them when Shaw found out she was after him were HIGH KEY HILARIOUS OKAY. That’s basically my whole reason for shipping them lol. But just imagine how awkward it must’ve been after Raven left? Both of them throwing hyper-vigilant stares to the other across the room, suspicious glances as they catalog the room for possible weapons, Shaw trying to keep at least three people between them at all times… LMAO.

And I honestly could get behind any Space Seven arrangement (including the fact that they obviously had group sex at some point, my girl Raven was NOT celibate for 6 years that’s ridiculous), because they’re my favourite dynamic in the show right now.

[palteringcecutiency]

[[ I’ve been trying for a while to adequately describe the paranoia lens Psii views the world through, but I think I’ve finally gotten it, so here it is. I’m putting it under a cut ‘cause not everyone wants their hand held through a paranoid delusion (and also it’s goddamn fucking long since I wrote it, I am so fucking sorry) so mind that, and the fact that there’s going to be mentions of abuse and manipulation, before delving in. ]]

So the first important thing to untangling this mess is to know where it comes from, and it’s basically a really really fucking bad coping mechanism. Psii was just starting to relax in the bubbles, his recovery making serious progress, when the game was won and he got dumped on Prosperity, a world populated by abusers from the past who now have easy access to him. (As proven by the fact that he hadn’t been alive for a week when Cae walked in to the block Psii was napping in.) Not only that, Psii had gotten here two sweeps after everyone else, making carving out a safe space increasingly difficult as anyone he could lean on are busy with the lives they gained without him. And, worst and most terrifying of all, HIC, the abuser Psii cannot face due to overwhelming and soul crushing fear, is also around, locked away in Meenah’s mind by mysterious circumstances, waiting for whatever holds her back to break and set her free. This whole planet is the worst case scenario for Psii, and at his core, he is terrified every time he’s awake.

It’s such a worst case scenario, and there is so much fear, that Psii cannot process it without shutting down into a catatonic depression. To avoid this, his mind has projected his fears onto other people that he isn’t afraid of, so that he has no problem standing up to them and ‘fighting back.’ Unfortunately, that simple coping mechanism has spiraled into this clusterfuck that influences a lot if not most of what he does.

Now to dive into the actual delusion! Note that not everything said beyond here is an accurate assessment of personalities or actions, but what Psii sees and believes.

Psii’s projection started with one person, but soon expanded into three, each somewhat standing in place of a more substantial fear: Cae, the main keystone and HIC’s replacement as a manipulative, highblood slaver with no problem inflicting great harm on someone who is disobedient; Arlequin, representing the might and power of the Empire as a power-accustomed self-assured highblood with no morals and no problem lashing out if he feels his honor has been tainted; and Darkleer, the personification of highblood traditions as a stuffy judgmental hemist with a lengthy history of killing those who threaten them without a second thought. These three, through quadrants, loyalty, friendship, and commonalities, have interwoven and become what I fondly refer to as The Dreaded Highblood Triangle. 

The DHT is the main cause of Psii’s problems with trust and tension, as he is on a cusp of a war with them that Psii will inevitably lose. They’re a whim away from crushing his entire world and dragging him into torment, and there is literally nothing Psii can do to stop them other than surrender early. Their goals? The details vary from day to day and situation to situation. Sometimes it’s Psii’s isolation. Sometimes it’s crushing his spirits to dust. His true death, his torture, violating his self both literally and figuratively, bringing the Empire back and forcing him alone to go on the run again, the list is long and shifting. The common factor is that Psii loses everything, and he’s left in miserable circumstances he cannot escape.

This would be near impossible to do if it was anyone’s actual goals, but from where Psii sits, there are three major tiers of power in relation to him, and the DHT has their claws in all of them. Psii’s Family is the tightest tier, his theoretical safe space, the people who helped him survive the last time the world was against them. Cae is the one that got to them, luring them into quadrants that matter far more than some scraggly mess of a troll. And if Cae’s friendship with Meulin wasn’t enough, Arlequin is in a quadrant with her as well. His family no longer has Psii’s back, they are far more interested in getting Psii to give up this silly conflict and submit, and will easily turn on him if the DHT decides to move.

The next step down is Prosperity as a whole, the city’s government founded on the Signless’s teachings and lead by one of Psii’s descendants. Psii would have no problem turning to them for help should the DHT do more than loom, except for the fact that they too have been infested against him. Skysmith is Darkleer’s dancestor and Sparks’s kismesis. Sparks is a very good friend of Cae’s and is linked through Nadaya as well. Nadaya is also friends with Darkleer through Vriska. Even Arlequin is getting a good treatment from the city despite his less than savory actions. If the DHT decides Psii is not allowed his scraps of happiness anymore, Prosperity could be easily convinced to join in to hunt him down, making the entire planet unsafe and hostile.

The last tier is what I like to call the Clusterclade, which is the absolutely tangled web of clade that branches off of Sparks and Nadaya and scoops up all sorts of people including Atlais, Calo, and their timeline. Following the rest of the pattern, they too are poisoned against Psii. If Sparks and Nadaya’s connections weren’t enough, a great number of CC members have direct ones to the DHT, and have their own spreading clades out into other people in other timelines going out to god knows how far. From what Psii’s seen, CC members have no problem jumping to action on other members’ say so, meaning the whole thing could be mobilized against Psii, cutting him off from the rest of the multiverse for escape.

Which leaves Psii with no allies, no safe places to hide, no resources, and no hope of fighting this. His only options are to give up and roll over to let the DHT do what they want with him, or keep careful watch of the whole thing and look for weaknesses, hopefully finding someone trustworthy that they haven’t tainted yet, pushing back just enough to say he’s a problem but not enough of one to do anything about yet. The first is a non-option for the vast majority of time, which leaves Psii in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and dread, waiting for one of three people to decide toying with him has become boring and finally make a move towards the inevitable. 

This delusion is more than just a source of hopelessness, it’s grown to the point where it’s actively hampering the other facets of his recovery. And fighting against it isn’t the easiest thing either; it’s hard to take the word of someone he’s convinced is against him and trying to make him surrender. He does have good days, however, where the delusion isn’t so in his face, and his goodhearted nature shines through in times of need (the reason Arlequin is doing so well with Prosperity’s capital is because Psii himself vouched for him in an effort to help fix things) but those are few and far between. 

It’s not permanent, however; there are chinks in the armor, and they will eventually be exploited to help him recover, but until then, this is the filter Psii sees the world through, and why he’s so bristly and guarded with everyone and anyone.