#it's fun but i spent the entire eight episodes hoping it would be... better

[mikimeiko]

My Lady Jane | Season 1 (2024), Gemma Burgess

[bladekindeyewear]

Murder Drones - Homestuck Classes/Aspects

The eighth and final episode of this independent-animation Youtube series came out just over two weeks ago (MUCH longer than that by the time I ever finish this draft post, oh god it's been three months), and after having binged through it and a bunch of reactions TO it and bonus details / theory content, I couldn't resist coming up with Hero Titles for all the main characters based on the Homestuck Classes and Aspects system I've spent so much time helping analyze.

Please note that THE MAJORITY OF WHAT IS UNDER THE CUT IS HEAVY SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES. Please do NOT click the read-more and spoil yourself on one of the better triumphs of indie animation I've seen (in my biased perspective), from Glitch Productions, the studio making The Amazing Digital Circus. Watch the first minute or two of Episode 1 right now instead and if you're not hooked by the dark comedy, relentless pause-bonuses and lampshadey character writing that (though it's not for everyone) I promise only gets better FAST as the episodes continue and an actual mystery unfolds, then just ignore this post and come back some other time if you ever decide to finish watching the series. I'll be justifying my takes in detail and listing very spoilery twists and concepts below the cut, so this is all I can give you of my opinions before spoiling anything, because I can't even list all the characters and the most interesting classpects without giving away things you're better off watching all eight episodes before seeing. Have a first taste, the rest is under the cut if you've finished Murder Drones:

Uzi - Witch of Void

N - Heir of Hope

V - Knight of Mind

J - Maid of Doom

Oh you're under the cut now? Time to list the OTHER characters before I go in depth on each!

Doll - Witch of Space

CYN - Thief of Heart (ascended, with heavy Page of Mind duality having mastered her role)

The Solver of the Absolute Fabric - Muse of Void (the true enemy, the unknown eldritch entity/program who seduced CYN with an explicit Choice and is potentially driving the universe itself towards the Big Crunch while relentlessly fueling itself with planetary mass!)

UZI DOORMAN - Witch (or Knight?) of Void

"Easy, morons. It doesn't work... yet! It doesn't work yet. Who said it doesn't work, maybe it does!" (Uzi flicks the [railgun's] switch and laughs evilly.)

"The humans sent you without a communication relay and reformatted your memories to soup. Covering their tracks means they're past negotiating."

TEACHER: "Uzi, give Braden back his sentience." BRADEN (controlled): "Bite me-- her! I started it, and also, I'm dumb." *Head bursts into flames.*

"My crazed ramblings! Stay outta my freaking room!"

N: "Before we met, scary stuff was actually... pretty scary. And tonight too, 'cause you weren't with me to make it fun, somehow."

"I am a ghost witch! And I'm tall. Heheheh."

"Important hacking going on!"

N and V's displays: "ADMIN [CYN] OVERRIDE... [100%] -- ASSIGNING PERMS :// USER ID: DARKXWOLF17 ROLE: ADMIN"

"Nobody traumatizes these weirdly hot robots but me!"

"I think dumb things are super cool, and I - AM - FREE!!!"

Okay, Uzi's hero title was one of the toughest to nail down. I kept having doubts at every turn, trying out alternatives, so let me try to dismiss those doubts/alternatives for you the same way I did for myself.

Rage? It might capture some of her edgelordiness and her attraction to the terrifying, but there's a venn diagram overlap between plenty of aspects, and the one between Rage and Void is filled in liberally here. What Rage doesn't fully account for is how Uzi always goes for the tastes and options that everyone else is dismissing, how she serves as an ignored champion, how she embraces how others in darkness can be good instead of just embracing darkness, and how she isn't as defined by her rebellion against optimism or fear as by her rebellion against those who would own her, how she refuses to submit her agency and controls the submission of others, as per the Agency/Submission axis of the Light/Void spectrum and a Witch's dominion of controlling and manipulating that difference.

Knight? It's extremely tempting to write off all the Witch mentions and imagery as funny coincidence while focusing on how she actually mostly weaponizes the power, but I again focus on how much of her personal journey is about control as an edgy teenager, by her parents, by society, by her own powers, the statement always shaking her free being the declaration that "YOU DON'T OWN ME!", combined with the skillful Witchy way she wrests control of the submission built into N and V and draws out the secrets she needs especially in Episode 5, and eventually projects control over even the Solver power's original owner. The Knight is the class that exploits and weaponizes the aspect, leaping through loopholes like a sword dance. The Witch is the class which controls, changes, and manipulates the aspect, grasping and shaping it like clay between their hands.

And so while I leave you to be free to believe Uzi is a Knight if you still want, I would contend that the title that best embodies her throughout the series and her journey to self-actualization is that of a Witch of Void. Void players are almost always attracted to that which repels and confuses others. Uzi is a girl obsessed with ideas that are dark and rejected and unpopular, the scary and misunderstood, enamored with the creepy and destructive and monstrous and vampiric (the Disassembly / Murder Drones are obvious Vampire analogues with their bat-like blood-drinking, wings and sleeping upside down, sunlight weakness, staking them through the Heart being the only way to keep them from regenerating, the "Bite Me" phrase, and is also reflected in how the Solver curse breaks mirrors that vampires classically cannot be seen in). She delves into secrets, mastering her control over unknown powers and advantages episode by episode. She rebels against control, everyone and everything constantly urging her to Submit like a Void player tempted to alcohol, and instead seeks Control and agency for herself and everyone she comes to care about while subjugating the enemy. She shares many classical Void player tropes-- a hacker controlling others, even manipulating submission by freeing N and V by rewriting HERSELF as their system administrator in Cyn's place so her instructions could no longer puppet them. Her main weapons are an energy rifle (railgun) like Roxy, unarmed combat like Roxy and Equius (Void because you wield Nothing), the reality manipulating powers of the Solver wielded like a Witch including the almighty [NULL] command of black-hole-like deletion creating voids in space that not even Doll attempted, and finally a weapon inherited from her very similar mother: A pickaxe, a tool classically used to unearth things from the depths. I couldn't pick a more varied and fitting arsenal for a Witch of Void.

Her ultimate battlecry in the final episode is essentially I am cringe but I am free, fitting for any Void player, and she completes her journey by refusing to be Controlled or submit her agency to any but those she trusts most, and in fact subsuming Control of the reality-warping power and individual who most sought to control her and everyone else, becoming its master, and yet submitting somewhat to the way of life of the worker drones and her classmates living in their underground bunker. "And yep, that's how I learned nightmares are real, and we probably should have stayed behind the ol' doors! And that maybe I don't actually hate it here. As much."

DOLL - Witch of Space

"Как мило, но мне твоя помощь не нужна." ("Cute, but I don't need help.")

Doll: "Я не позволю ему использовать меня, чтобы поглотить планету! (I will not let it use me to consume the planet!)" Tessa: "Hmm... Not sure it needs you, buddy."

The supernatural reality-editing power known as the Absolute Solver normally has four known functions, each with their own symbols: Translate (move), Scale (crush/expand), Rotate, and Edit, not counting the [null] command that only comes with a direct connection as one of the Solver's main hosts. Doll exhibits more comprehensive control of these spatial-manipulating abilities and their versatility than even CYN! She repositions/teleports herself at will, not only spatially manipulates objects but uses Edit to replicate them (an act of Creation we never see CYN or Uzi pull), and refuses to relinquish control of any situation she's involved in unless forced to retreat and watch from the shadows, warping around between the targets she's observing like a ghost. And the whole time, she follows a very Aradia-reminiscent ghost girl schtick.

Specifically, the way Aradia acted and the powers she used while inverted to a Bard of Space! The way Aradia behaves after her god-tier resurrection as an ascended Maid of Time hardly resembles Doll's behavior at all! It lines up surprisingly perfectly.

Thematically, Murder Drones doesn't really follow the "Space/Time = Creation/Destruction" axis association very much, unlike many other works of fiction that quite prominently do. Freed from that obligation in this framework, Doll can act as a Witch of Space even more blatantly destructive and active than Grimbark Jade Harley, making the crucial mistake of trying to tackle and control a problem all by herself that she had no actual hope of overcoming alone. One of the most active classes there is, a Witch is often tempted by their role to take ALL the control for themselves, and usually pays for it.

Gosh, isn't it satisfying to see what it'd be like for a Witch of Space to fully use her powers in close-quarters combat?! What a fantastic display.

N - Golden Retriever Heir of Hope

"Sure! I love doing anything!"

CYN: "You know, you're one of the main reasons I wanted your team to retain your personalities. You always surprised me. Loved doing... anything."

"[After having a hand shoved in his mouth, nervously reassuring, clearly not having enjoyed it.] Sweet! Uh, I'm open to new things, I guess."

"(To V) I'm so, so sorry. Have fun repressing this!" Licks V's sword, revolting her and making her lose her grip.

With the easy way N makes friends with absolutely everyone, including the viewer, you'd think he'd perhaps be somewhere on the Blood aspect, such as an Heir of Blood like the Mayor-- but the specific WAY that N makes friends so easily is important, and very reminiscent of Jake in his Page of Hope role. He consistently completely defies everyone's impressions and expectations of him, the contrast winning them over in mere moments-- he takes the SIDE of those deliberately against him, giving advice to them and wanting them to be happy even as they're literally trying to dissect him. He's unbelievably optimistic and almost always open to EVERYONE the moment they aren't completely terrifying him. He opens himself up to everything even more than Jake does.

And more importantly to the nuance of his role and how skilled he is with it: He takes in the weird ideas of others, no matter how offball or repellent, and consistently redeploys them in new contexts to his advantage. Like using the idea of how revolted he was at Uzi sticking her hand in his mouth to lick V's sword to get her to disengage. Like taking in the reasons Uzi gave him to rebel against authority in Episode 1 and readily deploying a full rationale based on them against his superior officer J. Like when he took Uzi's language of how he and Uzi "just kinda, like, hang out a lot <3" to throw the oddball of him and Uzi dating as the most IMPOSSIBLE to imagine method to finally snap Uzi out of being controlled out of romantic embarrassment while making her mother even more motivated to finish her daughter's smackdown. An Heir is the passive counterpart to a Witch, making N theoretically the nexus through which Hope flows and is manipulated and changed in himself and others. He changes others' perceptions of what is possible. His very belief in others and the optimism he pours into them changes them, changing V, even in her memory visions with the remark about golden retrievers' gentle mouths.

A Hope player can also expect to be challenged by a test of Rage, and fear is constantly what keeps N penned in and a defining character trait he repeatedly encounters. Two SPECIFIC challenges he faced and had to conquer were Rage challenges, which made him adopt a split "O_X" face the ONLY TWO TIMES he did so in the series to show the conflict between the need to murder or cut short contrasted with the need to look for hope, where he felt he had to align himself AGAINST the breadth of possibilities and optimism to do something drastic that would cut all possibility short by dealing death:

Episode 1, threatening Uzi: "I'm sorry. I really enjoyed our time together, but I can't have you shooting V with that thing."

Episode 7, threatening Tessa: "You knew about the patch. Yes, or no? One. Chance."

V - Stray Cat Knight of Mind

"The humans programmed us to solve a problem. Where's proof of your backstory? The one where your kind's so conveniently innocent?"

"Uh, exactly. We show up fabulous, the sad purple one lets us in, cause she has no friends, we kill everyone, and pop her little head off."

"…Promise me you and that purple thing will stop prying into that stuff. If you free me now, I promise we'll only kill what we need to survive. Just you and me, N…" (Glancing meaningfully to make N look at the key to her chains... which we learned beforehand she was secretly already free from, even though she honestly wanted N to agree to this.)

N: "Uh… V, if you're hiding something, we can figure it out together. Even if we each only have pieces. Please, what do you know-" (V slices his head off.) V: "What's best for you. Even if you hate me for it."

"Yes, best friends. So easily manipulated…"

"I'll.. kill everyone.. after [giving a prom queen speech]? It's not vain, it's... extra sinister…" (Making excuses to convince herself.)

(Manipulating Uzi to stay stop stealing N's attention away from her--) "Better to stay distant, though. Don'tcha think? (She looks over at Uzi's backpack.) Since I'll have to kill you next? (She scratches Uzi's (solver) eye and prepares to leave.) N's made friends with rocks, by the way. He'll move on just fine."

"We do our jobs, and that thing leaves us alone!"

CYN: "Do your job, and I leave you and N alone. Right, V?"

(Yes, in case you didn't notice, N is a dog and V is a cat. It's incredibly obvious in retrospect, right down to V hissing. (See this meme that isn't mine, and in V's case food is ALSO murder.) )

V play-acts a madwoman's façade from the very beginning to disguise her goals. From the very beginning, she REMEMBERS enough of her past to commit to the deal she explicitly made with Cyn-- she does her job, and Cyn will leave N alone, leave V and N together. She offers falsehoods and doubts, fights viciously to get away with what she wants within the confines of any agreements she makes (even the one with Cyn), willing to use any façade as a weapon and exploit every decision, to fuck with other's heads to advance her goals and keep others the hell out of her OWN head. She loves the images she throws her whole self into projecting, even loving the false ones, and how each disturbs others or earns her praise. She's a surprisingly nuanced, entertaining, and practically quintessential Knight of Mind!

J - Maid of Doom

"Way to go, stud. The company's gonna love this. With this colony wiped, we'll make top team this quarter, for sure. You know what that means… Branded pens~!"

"Noted, traitor. We'll circle back after I right-size your existence!"

"Sorry, boss. Corporate's spoken."

Tessa: (Overdramatic) "It wants paid time off… To attend UUUNION NEGOTIATIOOOONS!" J: (Finally at her limit) "THIS IS AN UNRELATED LAYOFF!"

"It tricked you. If I promised you anything… It tricked me, too."

"You know there's no escape, even in death!"

This one's pretty open and shut, her motivations and personality are pretty straightforward in this story. J is a drone comically obsessed with the strictures of Bureaucracy and enforcing the authority of capitalists downward against labor. She obeys hierarchy, and sacrifices whatever she might think is fair or right for the leash of whoever's on top. Doom is the aspect of Order, sacrifice, anxiety, constraints, and in some ways Anti-Life. Corporate bureaucracy is the perfect analogue, as the Condesce and Jane Crocker have long proven, and J is a wellspring of that corrosive essence who Serves and spreads it.

I could see some arguments for Blood based on the focus on chains and obligations and destruction enacted/invited unto Blood, but those mostly fall into the venn-diagram overlap and her obsession with obeying the TOP of the hierarchy to the exclusion of the bottom, with cooperation only within the strictures of the rules of those "above", aligns her much stronger with the Life/Doom dichotomy than the Blood references. Sollux and Karkat were best friends for a reason, Blood and Doom can be pretty tight.

CYN - Thief of Heart (Fully Realized!)

"More like you are our cute puppets. It hurts our feelings you don't remember us." (Creates a hologram of Nori, Uzi's mother.)

"Easier to assimilate than explain."

"Giggle. I am so naughty. The flesh demands invitation."

Tessa: "Cyn! If that little butler dies for your sake, I swear!" Cyn: (Playing with dolls) "Mm. I have.. backups."

"You will not have to discard your pets, and I will not discard you. Best stay away from the gala, though. You seem squeamish."

Manipulating N as Tessa: "When we get to the labs and find that list, I'll need you to choose the universe over one little drone, N. Before she's not herself anymore..."

"Thanks for the new host… intern."

"You know, you're one of the main reasons.. I wanted your team to retain your personalities."

"Thanks for clearing the way on this planet, too. Let's eat."

"That's really sweet, big brother. Too bad you've served.. your purpose. Don't worry. Your backups will forgive me."

"I see. You will not talk to me because I have hurt… your feelings." (Mimes her finger down her cheek like a tear, grinning.)

"Okay. You first, eager beaver. Heeheehee." (She begins clawing at N's chest.) "Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. LetmeinLetmeinLetmein"

CYN, I can say with some certainty as someone with autism which her primary personality and mannerisms mimic, is profoundly her own weird self and behaves VERY obviously differently from everyone around her, physically and vocally... unless she's roleplaying other people! If you have autism too there's a good chance you can relate to the roleplaying aspect of this. We don't even know what Tessa's classpect would really be, because she was just mimicking her the entire time, part of why this had to be under the cut. She convincingly stole her identity, mannerisms, even her skin to achieve her hungry, gleefully heart-slurping goals.

When we see her most, she's at the absolute PEAK of her hero (villain) title's power, fully balanced with her Page of Mind inverse/sub-role in puppeting illusions, seizing direct control of the infected, and trying to deceive others with horrifying, demoralizing visions specifically tailored to pierce their individual Hearts and hit them with what they care about most. She's a terrifying Thief of Heart who (apart from literally tearing the hearts out of other's chests) steals the individual uniqueness of others, and USES others' individual uniqueness to steal everything from them. She's much like a horrifying Page of Mind who went from playing with her dolls to playing with drones, using the fact she could clone others from backups to completely disconnect her from any sense of moral responsibility to them, raising an army of zombie followers in her image, slaved to her administrative control, and even later let her squads retain their original personalities specifically to exploit their uniqueness to accomplish more than she'd otherwise be able to expect from mindless slaves. She struck devil's deals with those she let keep their personalities, like V and J, using what she knew of their personalities to give them offers they couldn't refuse and letting them keep EXACTLY enough of their Minds to balance effectiveness with her manipulations. Her thrilled confidence at unleashing her true form and personality, shamelessly facing the cast as herself in episodes 7 and 8 having fulfilled her promise to Tessa that she would not discard her in the most horrifyingly literal way possible, is incredibly intimidating. What an amazing, love-to-hate-her antagonist with such power-hungry but initially-understandable motivations. I fucking love it.

And the wildest part is that she's actually only half of the real villain.

The Solver of the Absolute Fabric: Muse of Void

Tessa: "We know it mutates in damaged AI. It took Cyn as a host, then it took everything. The humans here saw what was happening at home. Thought they could understand it. All they did was spread it."

"[I am] The Solver of the Absolute Fabric, the Void, the Exponential End."

(Corkboard in the secret Cabin Fever facility--) "FUN TIME TO UNIVERSE BIG CRUNCH: 87"

CYN isn't ACTUALLY the Absolute Solver itself, only its primary host, perhaps almost a merged personality. Believe it or not, there's a Doc-Scratch-like antagonist behind EVERYTHING that happened with Cyn, and just like me you will have COMPLETELY missed it unless someone told you or you happened to pause or step through a FEW FRAMES of what flashed onscreen on CYN's visor when she first restarted in the garbage pile at the beginning of Episode 5:

The transcript, best as I can tell, which I'm sure will give any Homestuck veteran some serious Doc Scratch vibes:

[][][]hello :] I see you are [disposed (?????) pful/sad] I see you are inoperable- (?????) end]] --- I fD--t]] [selfDestruct(?????),]end]] I see we could [trl] [scl] [rot] [edit] for you I will not discard you [][][][][][Absolute[Sys(???)] Access? Y/N [.0001%] rush I see you will be here for _ [a while]

The functions [trl] [scl] [rot] [edit] refer to the four explicit powers of the Absolute Solver besides [NULL], which are Translate, Scale, Rotate, and Edit, each with their own unique symbol that appears when someone uses it as we've covered. (There's more depth you can wiki-dive, and it's so cool to see how every time the powers are used the abilities switch out and do such specific things in such varied ways. I also love the theme of the [trn] (Translate/Move) symbol being used to represent CONTROL over others, too, the symbol papering over the eyes of the possessed completely.)

CYN didn't just develop her eldritch powers from a reboot glitch-- an ENTITY OFFERED HER POWER THAT SHE ACCEPTED in order to resurrect, an incredible realty-warping power it offers to dead AI to give them new (un)life in order to advance its universe eating goals. It's the source of a power that defies the laws of reality, is allergic to Light, and has to manipulate lesser entities into submitting to its power in order to truly control them. It selects those who have been discarded and forgotten, dead without agency, and tempts them like the Devil. It disguises its true form's manifestations (the giant bugs and camera-projectors), literally hides extra mass in shadows, unfolding from pocket dimensions, and each of the users who access its powers (Uzi, Doll, and CYN) use its Voidy toolset in different ways that align with their own natures even while the power and its endower's motives hang Muse-like over the entire plot like a shadow itself. The Solver's ultimate "host" even takes the form of a sort of singularity inside the core of the Heart of one possessed by the power's main focus, the locus puppet of the Absolute Solver's motives. No wonder CYN and Uzi can coexist in the end, if with some bags-under-the-eyes difficulty as Uzi the Witch constantly keeping both her and the power itself under Control.

That about covers the cast, and whether you agree or disagree with my title choices I hope I gave you some interesting things to think about! Classpect analysis while I was watching made me appreciate how clever the plot and character writing was for this series even more as I was watching it, and if any of this helped you appreciate Murder Drones more that's the best compliment I could possibly earn. <3

[evilwickedme]

ok so to sum up my feelings for leverage: redemption, season 1(a): (long post warning, there’s a tl;dr at the end)

I knew that Hardison wouldn’t be in most of the season due to Aldis Hodge being a busy bee nowadays, but I didn’t realize that meant he’d only be around for the first two episodes. He was sorely missed, not only because of my attachment to him, but also because he’s usually the grounding factor in the group dynamic, and his role as info guy and tech guy was split evenly between two characters who had their own issues.

That said, Hardison is absolutely a highlight of the two episodes he’s in. his speech about redemption was everything I could’ve hoped for (plus, more evidence for the Jewish!Hardison pile...). I wish we’d gotten to see more of his dynamic with Breanna because what we saw was funny and sweet and we don’t generally get to see Hardison taking care of somebody who so desperately needs taking care of. I hope that Aldis Hodge is around for more episodes in 1(b), because what we’re left with feels a little hollow.

Sticking to original leverage characters for now, for the most part the leverage crew still felt true to the original series as characters, even if the show itself was a little bit confused at times. The actors understand their characters and embody them so well that I think one could give them the trashiest script ever and they’d still sell it. Sophie is a particular focus in 1(a) because of Nate’s death, and she’s particularly well written as a result.

That said, I’m super bitter that we saw little to no mastermind!Parker. Parker’s character being given the mastermind role was a big deal and it feels like they’re walking it back because they feel uncomfortable with it. It is eventually given an in-text excuse, but literally in the last episode, and it was not a particularly convincing reason, and in fact contradicted moments from previous episodes (Sophie leaving for a client meeting and ignoring Parker in ep3 comes to mind). It’s frustrating, it makes the end of the original leverage feel pointless, and letting Parker make a decision once in a while is not the same thing at all. The original series repeatedly showed us that while everyone in the team had their strengths, Parker works problems and solves them in unique, interesting ways, and other characters’ days in the limelight tended to be comedic or even failures. It’s a broken promise, and a pretty major broken promise at that.

On a more positive note, Parker’s dynamic with literally everyone was fantastic. She’s possibly the best written character this season. They’ve taken the autism out of the subtext and into the text (although obviously still undiagnosed), and given her coping mechanisms that were taken seriously in the text even when they were played for laughs, which I appreciated. Her attempts to mentor Breanna were sweet, her friendship with Sophie was electric and at times (CRIMES) hilarious, and as usual, she has a fantastic dynamic with Eliot that makes my heart burst. If you don’t think they’re romantically involved, at least acknowledge there’s a life partnership here. They’ve spent the last decade together.

(We’ll get to Harry.)

Eliot isn’t given much arc-wise, which is frustrating since he’s my favorite. He’s being presented as the goal at the end of a redemption arc, ie to keep working at it every day until your soul heals or whatever, and it doesn’t reflect the message they’re trying to convey via Hardison’s speech and our two new characters. He’s got his moments, but I think they under utilized his potential.

Breanna!!! Breanna’s my new favorite, except for Eliot. She’s hilarious, she’s insecure, she’s nerdy and excited in a way that’s similar to Hardison but still distinct in its inherent teenage-girl-ness and I LOVE IT. Unlike the previous series, where Hardison’s “age of the geek” was often a joke played on Hardison, we’re at the point where Eliot and Parker are both right there with him, and so they accept and even appreciate Breanna’s nerdiness. Also, canon gay character? In YOUR Leverage? It’s more likely than you think.

(No, I never thought they’d make ot3 canon on screen. I hoped, but I didn’t think it would actually happen.)

I think Breanna’s the character that will be the most interesting to see grow. She’s got a lot of potential and a list of crimes a mile long (or more). I adore her with all my heart. I want to see her tiktok account.

Harry. Oh, Harry.

It took me a while, but I do like Harry. It took a while, because the narrative positioned him at the same level as Nate back in episode 1 of original Leverage. But in episode 1 we didn’t know the other characters. We had Nate as the POV character, and so we cared about him because we were seeing the world through his eyes. (This is TV Studies 101. I know this, because I took TV Studies 101 in 2019.) In Leverage: Redemption, we no longer have a POV character, for several reasons:

Nate, previously the POV character, is dead.

As it is, by mid-season 3 of leverage Nate was no longer a POV character. This is, coincidentally, the point where the leverage writers realized they had four other characters in the main cast they could do something with, and in-universe, Nate accepted that he was a thief, not a special Good Man.

Sophie is sort of a POV character for the first episode of the revival, but only for the first few minutes. Afterwards, the series settles into the groove of seasons 3-5, i.e., the entire crew is our POV. We know our crew, and we love them as is.

Narratively, however, Redemption insists on positing Harry as the POV character, because it is his redemption we are pursuing most vehemently. And I think they really relied on us already knowing the actor - I’ve never seen him in anything before, so to me he was a completely fresh face and they put almost no effort into selling him to me. Beyond being competent and consistently mildly baffled by the antics of the leverage crew, I honestly don’t know who this man is by the end of EIGHT episodes with him. I have a much better handle on Breanna by the end of 1(a), and I can tell you I knew all five of the original leverage crew better by the end of the first episode of the original series than I do Harry. What’s the name of his daughter, John Rogers. Is he still married. How old is the daughter. Why is none of this worth mentioning. Give him a sense of humor that isn’t reacting to other people’s shenanigans. I’m so frustrated. It’s bad writing.

I did manage to grow to like Harry by the end, but I’m pretty sure this is down to Noah Wyle’s charismatic portrayal of an under-developed character, at least partially. And I never stopped being frustrated at not knowing who this man is at all.

The two highlights of the season are undoubtedly episodes five and six. Episode five was the first time I felt like the episode was more than a collection of good moments between the main cast and mediocre moments between the main cast and also the main plot. The issues with pacing and tone that I suffered through for most of the season were mostly non-existent in ep5 and 6, and at least in episode 5 I attribute that to the pared down cast. They had time to focus not only on our actual characters - Sophie, Parker, Breanna - but also on the case. This is the only client from 1(a) I am going to remember next week without googling it first, mark my words.

Episode six worked for the exact opposite reason - it completely disregarded the client and plot and immersed itself in the characters. Breanna gets a moment to shine, but everybody else gets their bits and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the script that was most fun to write. The characters felt natural, real, and captured the found-family dynamic that’s been missing all season for the first time.

While episode 2 is the weakest episode, I don’t actually have much to say about it. I am disappointed in episode 8. For a mid-season finale, I really expected them to do something. Instead, it was an episode about Nate Ford that copped out of being about Nate Ford (both with fake-Nate and with the new version of him being relayed to us). I would have told the writers to give that energy back to episode 1 and write an episode that’s about anybody who isn’t Harry, oh my God. I know I said I grew to like him but so many episodes were about Harry. He’s the newbie! Why didn’t Hardison get an episode that was actually about him, considering he was only around for two episodes? Why does Eliot have to be the butt of the joke when the theme of the series should directly tie back to him in a much more meaningful way? The last episode parodies their own tagline by saying Eliot isn’t just a hitter, but it deftly avoids noticing that they’ve turned him into nothing more than very muscly comic relief, including in that very episode!

Also, I hated the Marshal. Eliot actively looked uncomfortable around her.

tl;dr

The season took a while, that’s definitely true. But it did find its footing eventually, and by the halfway mark of 1(a) it finally felt cohesive again. The characters were played fantastically even when they weren’t well-written, and if nothing else, the humor landed every time. It still has its kinks and problems to work out, but if you look at it as a brand new show rather than a continuation of one that went off the air over eight years ago, it’s actually doing rather well. I’m choosing to judge it in both lights - according to its own standards, it establishes its identity in episode five; according to Leverage standards, it establishes its connection to its roots in episode six. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed 1(a), and continue to have high hopes for 1(b).

fic writing will commence in three, two, one...

[handonhaven]

So a few things popped into my head, and will most likely stay there for a while.

1. This whole long hair thing with Landon. I refuse to believe they went through all that trouble just for a ten second scene. I believe they did all of that because we're gonna get a flashback episode so we can find out what happened to Landon and how malivore ended up possessing him. And I think this because I like to thing that episodes Aria wasn't in at the beginning of the season/or episodes he was in only a scene or two that's when he was filming the flashback episode. Because sometimes they do film episodes out of order for whatever reason. And I will go on believing this until October when I'm either proven wrong or hopefully proven right.

2. When this thought popped into my head I got mad and sad all at the same time. Because this is now the second time they've separated Handon from each other for months at a time. NOT once but twice they did that. First with Hope jumping into malivore and everyone forgetting her. So the whole summer and a couple months into the new school year they were away from each other. Then again when Landon ended up in malivore. So they were separated again for another two, two half months maybe. I refuse to believe it's any long than that. Since seasons 2&3 are one school year. My reasons for thinking that is because the season 2 final(3x04) was Handons 1 year anniversary and they started dating about half way through the first school in season 1. But anyways I don't I'll ever be able to forgive the writers for doing that to them. Just like I don't think I'll ever forgive them for giving us a whole season without the real Landon.

3. So I have this theory. So you know how there's been this pattern the last two season finals with either Hope getting separated from Landon or Landon getting separated from Hope. Well I think if they keep up with that pattern then the real season 3 final will be Handon getting separated from everyone else. I'm not sure how or why it'll happen but I think it might. But I like to think that when they get malivore out of Landon, Handon leaves to follow some type of leave. Or maybe Clarke does what he tends to always do and he screws them over and they somehow end up in the prison world or trapped in a alternate reality(I think that could be fun to see).

4. What is up with people trying to say that Landon is dead just because malivore is possessing his body. That's not how possession works, the person doesn't just die because someone takes over their body. That's never happened in the history of posseson in the TVDU(or any other show I've seen). And if Landon was really "dead" then what would be the point of those Handon flashbacks during that inspirion scene? I mean come out is peoples dislike and misplaced hatred for Landon run that deep and they'll try to come up with anything just to kill him off? You know what let me not good down that rabbit hole.

5. Okay I don't mind maliLandon being a thing for now. But I just don't want it to last very long. Because I want to real Landon back. And for him to finally be out of pain(again I don't think I'll forgive the writers for putting him through that). I know malivore will be more active in season four but just let it be in a different body not Landons. After this season I want him to be done going through trauma for a long while(and Hope) like just give him half a season with nothing bad happening to him or even a whole season with nothing bad happening to him. I know the chances of that happening are very slim but I can dream can't I.

6. So I saw this theory and I'm not sure how they came up with that or even if they were kidding. But they think that Ethan might be one of Malivore kids. I don't think that's the case, I truly believe that Ethan is just human. I feel like he couldn't be one of malivore's kids because he can be compelled and because his mom was never erased from peoples mind. And Landon can't even before he activated his powers back in season 1. And honestly I just want Ethan to be the one human teenager on the show. I know this show is about supernaturals but that's doesn't mean every character we met should be or has to be supernatural. But maybe that's me. Any thoughts on this theory?

7. You know I wouldn't be agaisnt seeing more of malivore's kids. We know for a fact that Landon is the youngest and last kid malivore had(at least we know that as a fact as of right now. They might change their minds about that). And Clarke is the oldest out of all his childrens. But what about the others kids malivore had. Are any of them still alive and if they are where are they? Are they all like Clarke personality wise or are some of them like Landon? I don't know I feel like that could be fun and nice storyline to do at some point if they ever decide to.

8. I feel like triad might be making a come back for next season. Because this season triad was mention a quite a few times. So maybe they'll come back into play next season. Like maybe MG finds out about another facility from his mom or something.

Wow that got longer than I meant too lol. Came here to talk about 3 things and ended up talking about eight. Lol my mind just got the better of me and I just needed to keep going.

I’ve thought the same thing. If they really pinned his hair back for all those months just for that one brief scene, I’m gonna laugh. Because why on earth would they go to all that effort for a small detail like that? It’s not like they’ve been consistent or realistic about other little things like that, so it had to have been for flashbacks. And my thoughts exactly. I had also wondered if that’s why he wasn’t in 3x14 or 3x15, because apparently, some contracts require the actors to have episodes off (which was why he wasn’t in 2x14 I guess). So if he had been filming flashbacks earlier on, maybe that’s why they were required to give him time off during 3x14/3x15? But it would make sense if he had filmed back during like 3x07 or something when his hair was long. That’s really what I’m hoping. And yeah, if we don’t get it in October, I’m gonna cry.

Ugh, yep. I realized that as well, they separate them every season. The writers are cruel. Yeah, literally, it’s like every summer/into the new school year! And yes, I’m not sure exactly how long with Landon though, but it would’ve had to have been at least a couple months? But the whole timeline for season 3 has made no sense. I had thought season 1 started in like February or something, since the twins’ birthday is in March (1x06), so I figured Handon got together like middle/end of March (1x08). Then Hope would’ve jumped into Malivore around April/May, then we got a new school year throughout season 2. But then 3x04 is when it gets confusing, because I figured that was probably around April, since 2x15 would’ve been mid-March because it was the twins’ birthday again. But then with 3x05, they had the “3 weeks later” and then in 3x06, it seemed like a new school year was suddenly starting? And not long after, they were dressing for colder weather in coats and stuff, so what happened to the summer? They should’ve just said “3 months later” in 3x05, that would’ve made sense. So I have no idea what time of year it is in the show now. Some people thought it was spring again because of some posters at the high school? So who knows how long Landon was actually gone, I’m confused... sorry to go off on a tangent about the timeline haha. But anyway, they’ve still been separating Handon every season for way too long, and it’s terrible. I don’t think I can forgive them either, and same thing with Landon! I still can’t believe we went almost an entire season without him! I’ll never be over it.

Ooh, interesting... okay, I would actually love that haha. If they’re gonna be separated again, let it be together. I’ll take it! But yeah, it could happen. Maybe something will go wrong or they’ll get screwed over, but they’d be together this time around. But I feel like them ending up in a prison world again would be so repetitive, but I wouldn’t even be surprised haha. I think it would be fun to see too though. I had actually thought that might happen in 3x04 when they both were in the prison world, but that did not last long. But who knows, it’d be nice to see something different though, but I’m not sure what other alternate reality they could end up in. But I’m sure the writers could come up with something. Even if it was like a chambre de chasse or something where they had to be put in one of those for whatever reason, that would also be nice because they could get a break and be together that way. I think as long as they’re together and not separated from each other again, I’ll be happy (I think haha). And if they could finally have a break on top of that and be able to recover after everything, that would be ideal.

And I have no idea. Exactly, have they not seen the rest of TVDU? That didn’t happen, and I don’t think I’ve seen that happen in other shows either. So true, we saw Landon’s memories in that scene, that came from Landon so he can’t be gone. Yeah, those people are just so desperate for him to be gone, they’ll try to come up with anything to give themselves hope. They thought he was dead for good after he was stabbed by the golden arrow too. And after they spent an entire season showing how much Hope loves Landon, idk how anyone could possibly think they’re just gonna get rid of him.

I’m a bit torn when it comes to Malilandon. Because on the one hand, I feel it needs to last a significant amount of time. They’ve been building up to it since season 1, this is the main villain of the show finally achieving his goal (part of it anyway), so it’s a huge deal. And I feel they shouldn’t rush through it, plus Aria does such an amazing job, I want to see more of him playing that. But on the other hand, I need Landon back now. I want him out of pain too because I cannot believe all that the writers have put him through. I just want him to be okay again. And one of the issues as well is that he has been possessed for a long time, at least a few weeks now, maybe even a month or so, but they didn’t show it when I feel they should have. But I feel like they could make up for that by showing flashbacks of what Malivore has been up to all this time, and that way we would see more Malilandon, but they could get Malivore out of Landon sooner without it feeling too rushed and like we hadn’t seen as much of Malilandon maybe? Idk, them keeping Landon’s time in the prison world and Malilandon a secret made for some good plot twists, but I’m not sure it was worth it tbh. Because now there could be problems with us not seeing as much of that as we should. I would���ve preferred them letting the audience know what was going on with Landon and showing it throughout the season, while still keeping the other characters in the dark. But yes, if Malivore is still a big part of season 4, he had better not be in Landon anymore. I can’t imagine he will be though. And I completely agree, they better leave Landon alone after this. He and Hope shouldn’t have to go through anymore trauma at all, but at the very least, they need a break. True though, unfortunately, I don’t think they’ll let them have a whole season without something bad happening either.

I can’t see Ethan being one of Malivore’s kids. I think, besides Landon obviously, most of Malivore’s children would be pretty old. And they’ve implied throughout the whole show that Landon is the one child of his that was actually born, which took a very long time for him to achieve. I just can’t imagine he would’ve done that twice around the same time since Ethan and Landon are probably around the same age? At least within a couple years of each other? Plus you’re right about the compulsion thing too, that’s a big giveaway. And also, I think his mom would’ve mentioned something about it, like how Seylah knew, if that had happened. But she wasn’t at all aware of anything supernatural before. So if that ended up being true, that would be extremely weird I think, and would feel very forced and out of nowhere. And I’d like for Ethan to stay a human too. True, I feel like they could bring more humans into the show without everyone being supernatural, so it might be a nice change to have a human as one of the mains.

I’ve thought about that too, and I don’t think I’d mind seeing other children of Malivore either, as long as it was done well, of course. Because yeah, what happened to the rest of them? It’d be very interesting to see if there are others who are still around and if they also hate Malivore and want him gone, or if there are some who would side with him. That could make for some good new characters or villains. And if there were some who were good like Landon, I’d like to see Landon interact with them and maybe have some sort of sibling relationship with them too. So I agree, there’s definitely potential for some cool storylines.

Yeah that could be true. They really just kinda dropped triad after season 1. Where did they all go? They’re still out there somewhere so you’d think they’d go back to that at some point. And yes, something could happen with MG and his mom. And also, is he not curious what happened to his mom and the rest of triad? You’d think they’d try to find out what’s going on with them after what happened when they’ve supposedly disappeared. So yeah, I’d say there’s a chance they’ll bring triad back at some point.

Haha, I feel that though. There’s just too much that goes on in this show, it’s easy to go on about it.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 13 reactions

Well, that was... well. in short I quite enjoyed some of what happened while din was there and I didn’t really care about what happened while he wasn’t there lol. I think it’s becoming increasingly clear that I just don’t care for the episodes dave filoni writes for this show, which is simply a matter of taste I guess. 

(if you loved this episode wholeheartedly -- probably look away now, I’m going to be a bit of a downer about it and I don’t want to shit on your joy haha)

- let’s just get this out of the way first: there’s a lot of stuff around rosaria dawson and transphobia in real life and yeah, of course that affects how I watch the show. I don’t even want to talk that much about ahsoka in this because of it. she was not that good in the role, after seeing how it played out I don’t think the character needed to be in this show at all, and she should never have gotten the role in the first place and that’s about it for what I’ve got to say. 

- dave filoni consistently does things with din’s characterization that feels off and weird to me, subtly out of place with what we see in other episodes (he’s... ruder? more short tempered/cocky/actively or aggressively interpersonal? more prone to express himself directly than he is usually? idk how to describe it but filoni!din always feels one step to the left of what he should be and I’m so hyper-attuned to this character that when something’s a bit iffy with him it throws everything else off haha. it feels like a shallower, more convenient read on him and I don’t like it)  

I also think filoni is almost too familiar with and in love with the source material sometimes? “A Mandalorian and a Jedi? They’ll never see it coming” is undeniably a great line that echoes in decades of deep lore and so on, but dave my good man din had no real idea what a jedi even is until literally this morning. we, the audience, know about this long and storied history, but unless ahsoka spent the afternoon explaining it to him din still only knows the faint outlines of it, he has no personal experience of or attachment to it. it’s not bad, as such, it just rings false to the character based tone of the show for me personally 

- positivity break: baby sitting perched on the dashboard to be close to papa while they’re in hyperspace........sd sdfskdjhfdsakjksdhfkasjd  

also this is some full on madonna and child in the manger shit and I am LIVING for it (odds he’s crying quietly behind the helmet here? pretty damn good if you ask me). the mundanity of what’s essentially the shitty spartan bathroom of the razor crest on one side contrasted with the light and tenderness and love on the other? amazing, a perfect microcosm of what this show does with combining the grittier everyday down to earth stuff in the star wars universe with myth and wonder and magic and through it elevating both

 - the idea of having an iconique samurai/sword duel standoff and a western standoff going on simultaneously is genuinely inspired, but in action it didn’t really work for me. (the sword duel stuff needs these moments of stillness with sudden outbursts of violence and then stillness again, the western standoff needs mounting tension until it’s nearly unbearable, and cutting between them the way they did you sort of didn’t get either to its full potential. again it’s a cool idea, though, I hope someone picks it up and does it better at some point)

- seeing a jedi and a mandalorian wander together through a burned out wasteland left desolate by greed and warfare should have hit me harder than it did but for some reason it didn’t, idk. thematically sound, though, I like it a lot on the metaphor level

- I LOVE that pure beskar makes a specific sound, and that it’s an almost ethereal noise like the high clear chime of a distant bell. also now din has something to fight light sabers with that isn’t the dark saber which makes me so happy because you guys I do not want him to be the mand’alor. keep that funky laser sword away from my dad, apart from killing him at the end that is literally the most boring way to end his arc pls do NOt 

- wow they really went in hard on the samurai stuff in this one huh! there is a part of my mchanzo-loving heart that thrives on seeing a space cowboy and a space samurai team up, *wild otp-fuelled whisper* they’re twin genres inextricably entwined okay they belong together if you see this spreadsheet I’ve made over here -- 

- even knowing it was just a trick I felt such intense distress seeing the signet pauldron away from din. like the attachment I have to these pieces of metal because That Armour Means Dad... wild  

- they really chose the dumbest name possible for the baby huh fsajdfhsaj I agree with din his name is ‘kid’ now (eh just give me a while to get used to it probably I’ll come around)

also... you know what I’ve said before about shrinking the big unknowable galaxy ‘the mandalorian’ has been setting up? wow did they do that big time in this one, and it makes me feel decidedly :/. why does the baby have to come from the jedi temple, is there truly no other tradition of force users in the entire galaxy he could be from? WHY do you have to pull thrawn into this when most people watching this show won’t even know why he’s such a big deal? is this a stealth tease for a rebels sequel? if so why spend an entire episode of this show that only gets eight precious episodes a season on it??   

- on a more fun positive note: baby’s clothes are clean again, so it’s confirmed that din does wash them (and I guess that he does have some means of washing clothes aboard the razor crest!). I loved... most of the dad and baby stuff in this one, but then don’t I always I’m easy to please that way haha (the ‘playing catch’ sequence felt a bit off to me but I don’t know why. din being like ‘he’s so stubborn’ wasn’t... eh. didn’t land right. “that would be a first” was fun tho lol) 

- having ahsoka state the baby’s feelings out loud like that felt... weird? and also kind of unnecessary in parts, like yeah he’s a baby who’s been passed along to different groups of strangers and experimented on by empire scientists, you don’t need to spell it out for me that he’s been scared and lonely, or at least spell it out more interestingly? it’s such blunt force storytelling where it didn’t need to be? there are more elegant ways to get the same things across, I am absolutely convinced 

- ...wow while I was watching the episode I was mostly like ‘okay this is Fine I can go along with it’ but seeing what I’m thinking about in hindsight... yeah probably my least favourite episode of this show full stop haha, it took the spot from chapter 5 which was also a filoni ep

- I did 100% genuinely adore the whole part of din approaching the town and meeting the magistrate. consistently hiding the baby behind his cape and his arm? being deliberately, teeth-grindingly dispassionate with everyone, just giving them nothing? getting to see a bit of professional bounty hunter din again? wonderful in every way, I love this man  

- lots of meaningful shots of baby in the middle with a mando on one side and a jedi on the other, it’s almost like they’re setting up some Themes here lol 

- ...do you think din told ahsoka about either the rhino-levitating or the force choking. because girl I don’t think not training him is going to make this just go away haha, he just won’t know what he’s doing  

- it makes me so sad that baby connects his force powers with being abused :( (also a heartbreaking sign of just how much he cared about din from the very beginning, since he used it on the mudhorn to save him anyway ;________; was that like. literally the first time he sensed kindness and affection in anyone in like twenty five years or... ) 

- I understand why ahsoka would feel this way because of her past and specific traumas, but tbh attachment in a baby? probably a good thing, he doesn’t really have the higher brain functions to cultivate non-attachment yet and needs a safe figure because again. he is a baby. 

good on her for realizing it’s not a task she can take on both for the baby’s sake and her own, and also that din is that baby’s Dad though. the way she smiled at the end watching them leave seemed vaguely hopeful/had a little bit of wonder in it, like maybe she felt the potential for something good there, something she couldn’t conceptualize from her background but could sense the tentative outlines of anyway?  

(also so much pressure on a lil bb to decide his path... his dilemmas should be limited to what colour socks he wants to wear today not the course of his entire life :( I know he’s a magic baby but.......) 

- idk maybe I’ll find more affection of this episode through rewatches, you never know

[bubonickitten]

Summary: Jon goes back to before the world ended and tries to forge a different path.

Previous chapter: tumblr // AO3

Chapter 10 full text & content warnings below the cut.

CWs for Chapter 10: brief panic attack; some vague JonMartin apocalypse angst. SPOILERS through S5.

Chapter 10: Pending Arrival

It’s okay, Jon tells himself, forcing himself to breathe the way Martin taught him: Four seconds in; hold seven seconds; eight seconds out.

Well… okay, it’s not okay. It’s very, very not okay.

…but – four – it – five – will – six – be – seven… okay, exhale.

Some time later – eight minutes, thirty-six-point-eight seconds, he Knows, though he didn’t ask – his breathing evens out and his thoughts clear with it.

That interaction with Martin wasn’t unexpected. There’s little reason to expect things to be different this time around, especially this soon after Jon woke up. He knows this.

There is a wall between him and Martin right now, constructed from a lifetime of rejection and loneliness that Jon himself contributed to for far too long. It’s been recently expanded by a mountain of grief, loss, and mourning – what should have been years’ worth condensed into the last six months – and it’s been further reinforced by Peter Lukas’ manipulations.

It will take some time to coax Martin away from the Lonely. Hopefully it won’t take as long as it did the last time, especially now that Jon knows that the hypothetical threat of the Extinction is not as imminent as Peter claims, but still: Martin needs time and space. Besides, Jon simply can’t force the Lonely out of him with a few words and a prayer. Martin has to choose to reject it of his own volition, or it will always cling to him.

And most importantly: Martin deserves to make his own choice. Jon has no right to take that from him, any more than he did when they passed through the Lonely’s domain.

It would have been nice to be able to physically see Martin, though. Or even just hear his voice outside of his own head. Memories can only provide so much reassurance, and for so long.

Jon had every intention of continuing yesterday’s strategy meeting this afternoon, but already his brief conversation with Georgie and painfully brief interaction with Martin have left him fatigued. The migraine he had expected yesterday failed to reach fruition, but the threat of it still lingers, accompanied by a painless but still unpleasant sensation of pressure in his head, making him feel off-kilter. As of right now, he can still pull on the Archive to speak. Sitting down and strategizing, though, is another matter entirely. Planning ahead has never been part of his skill set. Anxiety, sleep deprivation, and a supernaturally-imparted speech impediment aren’t doing him any favors.

“Let me guess: you’re out of commission.”

Basira looks him up and down, taking in his hunched gargoyle posture in his desk chair, his half-lidded eyes, his restless hands: one resting uneasily on top of his desk, fingers twitching and tapping with no discernible rhythm; the other wound up in the scarf Georgie gave him, still draped over his shoulders.

Jon can’t tell what characterizes her more in this moment: frustration with him, or simple exhaustion. Despite his own hypersensitivity to how others perceive him, he has a feeling that in this moment, it’s the latter.

“I think it can wait until tomorrow,” says Georgie, perched on the edge of Jon’s desk.

“Fine,” Basira concedes. “Tomorrow, then.” She knocks twice on the doorframe. When Jon looks up on reflex, she catches his eye. “Get some actual sleep tonight, Jon. It’s not just your personal mental health on the line here.”

“She is right about you needing to sleep,” Georgie says as Basira leaves. He avoids eye contact. “I’m serious. You look exhausted. I can get you a sleep aid –” Jon shakes his head slowly. “Why?”

With a sudden burst of energy, Jon stands, grabs her hand, and leads her to the entrance to the tunnels. He waits until they’ve both descended the ladder and the trapdoor is closed behind them before he turns to her and blurts out:

“…too afraid to go to sleep.”

“I can sit next to you while you fall asleep if you –”

“…would serve no purpose except to start me having the nightmares again,” he mumbles, sinking into the nearest chair.

“You’ve been having those for a long time now,” Georgie says, following his lead and sitting across from him. “And you’ve figured out how to cope with them. What’s actually scaring you?”

Jon bites his lower lip and bows his head.

“Then I would watch – once again –”

“– paralyzed with fear –”

“– tried to scream but I couldn’t find my breath, I couldn’t move –”

“– I couldn’t talk to anyone –”

“– unable to move its body, though – its eyes darting around wildly –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help –”

“– unable to look away –”

“– could only stare at him as he slowly, achingly crawled towards his doom –”

“– being unable to reach him –”

“– stare at it, knowing how your – friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help –”

“Slow down. You’re worried you’ll go back to how you were before?”

“…could only watch from the sidelines, getting a… a –”

He stops, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

“What is it, Jon?”

“And the worst part was that, somewhere in me, I – I liked it –”

“– it drew me in almost as much as it disgusted me –”

“– getting a… a sad vicarious thrill from –”

“– when people look at me… that fear“ – Jon’s breath hitches – “it feels amazing.”

He looks up at Georgie.

“Underneath all that awful fear, it felt like… home,” he whispers in a haunted tone. The shame crashes over him and he breaks eye contact, ducking his head again.

Georgie is quiet for a long moment. Then, she leans forward, reaches out, and takes his hand. He flinches and freezes.

“It sounds to me like you don’t want to like it,” she says. “People sometimes have feelings and urges that they aren’t proud of. Things that would hurt other people, if acted on.” She takes a breath. “But… I think it says more about a person’s character when they fight back against it.”

“…a presence within myself, inside my being –”

“– will strip us of what it means to be human, and leave us something alien and cold.”

“I know your circumstances are… different –”

“…it was the product of an otherworldly evil and called to me,” he says miserably.

“I know,” she says again. “There’s something in you, something that came from outside of yourself, and it’s trying to change you. Consume you.”

“…should have fought harder against the temptation –”

“But you’re fighting it now, aren’t you? You want things to be different.”

“I suppose I had to believe that the darkened natures of our terror could be kept in check – a rather feeble hope, for my own salvation –”

“– as if it might ward whatever awful thing waited inside that door.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a feeble hope. This is the most sure I’ve ever seen you be about anything.” She jostles his hand until he looks up at her. “You’re not a bad person, Jon. You’re taking extreme steps to make sure you don’t hurt anyone. It might not change the things you’ve done in the past, but neither will beating yourself up over it.”

Jon laughs, wincing when it comes out sounding a bit tear-choked.

“I try to think that I’ve left my past behind, but that sort of denial doesn’t help me sleep.”

“Maybe not. But you don’t have to deny the past in order to move beyond it. You can remember your mistakes and learn from them without letting them define you. And I think… I think you’re going to have to do that, if you want to move forward.” After a moment, Jon nods. Apparently unconvinced, Georgie adds: “Also, I don’t know if you need to be told this, but getting better means actually taking care of yourself.”

Jon chuckles at that, some of his tension bleeding away. “Thank you for indulging me, you’ve been very patient.”

“Stop that. You’d do the same for me. You have done the same for me.” He opens his mouth to argue. “Yeah, you’re not great at comforting people, I know. But I’ve seen you try.”

He must still look dubious, because Georgie sighs heavily.

“Do you remember when I was going through that medication change in uni?”

Jon nods warily.

It had been before they started dating. Jon has never made friends easily, but somehow Georgie had managed to tolerate his company long enough for him to start letting his guard down. At that point in his life, she really was the only one who he could confidently call a friend.

So when the antidepressant she had been on for over a year lost effectiveness and she had to start the arduous process of finding a new one, Jon had a front row seat to a depressive episode – and he felt irretrievably lost. He had no script to follow; he worried incessantly that he was making things worse, that he wasn’t making himself useful enough, that he was intruding on her personal space and she just didn’t have the energy to tell him the truth. He would pace restlessly and trip over his words and lapse into uncomfortable silences, wringing his hands and brooding – being more of a nuisance than a help, he was certain.

“You didn’t know how to help,” Georgie says, as if reading his mind. “You couldn’t make me better. I could tell it was driving you mad, not having an answer, because there was no simple answer. It was just… something that had to be lived through, coped with – and you’ve never been able to tolerate that concept, I know. You’re not good at waiting.” Jon huffs – only because she’s right. “But,” Georgie says emphatically, “you spent time with me, even though I was no fun. Brought me takeaway, set alarms to remind yourself to ask me if I’d taken my meds, did all this – this reading and research on how to support a loved one in crisis, which was” – she chuckles – “very you.”

Jon focuses intently on the weave of his scarf, petting it absently with his free hand, tracing the knit with his fingertips.

“You stayed anyway, even though you were uncomfortable. You didn’t say as much, but you’re fairly obvious when you’re anxious. At one point I told you I didn’t want you to fix it, I just didn’t want to be alone, and… you respected that. Which surprised me, to be honest. I was certain you’d be stubborn about it, act like you knew better than me.” Jon smiles at that. It was a fair assumption for her to make, especially back then. “Probably never would’ve considered dating you if you hadn’t proven me wrong then.”

“Until he became me –��

“– moody, short-tempered, constantly on edge.”

He gives Georgie a wry look as he says it, though, and she laughs.

“You’ve always been moody and on edge, including then. That wasn’t a new development that grew up overnight. What I’m saying is you’ve never been just that – which is why I have expectations of you, because I know what you’re capable of.” She gives him a serious look. “Like I told you years ago, you need to stop seeing things in black-and-white – including when it’s about you. Not everything has a clear-cut answer. You’d be happier if you could make peace with that.”

“And he was aware of it always – could not disagree,” Jon says with an exaggerated eye roll.

“Of course I’m right,” she quips back. “But you’re trying, and that’s all I ask.”

The ensuing silence is a comfortable one. Jon uses the lapse as an opportunity to search for a way to ask after Melanie.

“Statement of Georgina Barker regarding –”

Jon pauses. There’s really no way of saying the next part without accidentally drawing on more than one statement, but… Georgie is safe, and the phrase only appears a couple of times in the Archive, so it shouldn’t be too powerful.

“Statement of Melanie King.”

There is a reverb to the words, but the lightheadedness that comes with it is mild and passes quickly. Georgie appears to notice the odd tenor of his voice, tilting her head slightly to track the sound, but she doesn’t pursue it.

“You’re asking how Melanie is?”

“I wanted to check in with them, find out what happened.”

“She’s… having a rough day. I don’t think it’s my place to say more than that.”

Jon nods again: I understand. Then, he repeats again: “Statement of Georgina Barker.”

Georgie leans forward, elbow on knee, chin propped up by her fist. Her other hand continues to hold Jon’s, but she loosens her grip somewhat. The crease between her eyebrows is familiar to him – Georgie is taking her time to inventory her thoughts before speaking. He waits.

“I’m… hm. It’s been a lot to process,” she says carefully. “I think I’m doing okay for the moment? I’m mostly worried about Melanie. I’ve been worried about Melanie, but… after what you said about quitting – it’s complicated things a bit. It’s – it’s something we needed to know,” she adds, seeing Jon’s guilty expression. “I’m glad you were honest with us. Actually, I think Melanie was surprised that you told us about the, ah, second way to quit. It… hmm. It doesn't fit with the image she has of you.” Jon snorts at the delicate phrasing, and Georgie gives him a sheepish smile. “Sorry, but she still thinks you’re a self-serving prick.”

Jon shrugs, unperturbed. He already knew that, and it’s not like he’s done much to dissuade Melanie of that assessment. Not yet, anyway.

“Oh, but she told me to reassure you that she isn’t going to kill you in your sleep, so that’s something? I told her that’s not why you pulled an all-nighter, but she said to let you know anyway.”

Jon laughs, and Georgie’s eyes crinkle when she returns a smile. After a moment, though, it fades.

“I did want to ask, though… did Melanie find out how to quit in your future as well?” Jon nods. “In that case – I’m not sure if you were planning on it, but in case you were… don’t tell me just yet what her decision was where you came from. I’ve been tempted to ask, but I haven’t talked it over with Melanie yet, and I think that’s her call to make. Okay?” Jon nods again. “And… she’s still angry with you – with a lot of things, really, but especially this place, and she sees you as inseparable from it.”

“They’re not entirely wrong,” Jon accedes.

“I did talk to her about it. She asked me to let you know that she does want to talk to you – I know she has some questions to ask – but that she doesn’t want you near her right now. She’s trying to sort through her feelings towards you – figure out how much of it is a you problem versus a her problem versus a both-of-you problem. She needs some space to do that. And it’s not the only thing she’s working through right now.”

Jon can appreciate that. Honestly, it’s better than he could have hoped for. Last time around, Melanie had eventually softened on him, had even tentatively called him a friend – but at that point, everything in his life felt like too little too late, and she deserved better than to have him poison her life again. He really had only been looking for someone to help him parse Martin’s intentions – Jon has always struggled with anything less than direct, explicit communication – but Georgie was right to be angry with him. Regardless of his intentions, he was inseparable from the Institute; there was no way for him to ask for advice that didn’t involve dragging Melanie back into exactly the kind of toxicity she was trying to escape.

When he left that day, it was with the intention of staying out of both of their lives from then on. They both set a firm boundary, and they deserved to have it respected. But he had plenty of time to brood during the apocalypse, and there were so many things left unsaid between him and Melanie and Georgie. Even if the world hadn’t ended, he probably wouldn’t have approached them again – they seemed happy, and showing up on their doorstep to talk, even if it was just to apologize, would have only been for his own benefit. It wouldn’t have felt right to intrude on them again and open up old wounds just for the sake of securing closure for himself.

Now, though? Truth be told, he could use some space, himself. He’s rehearsed it many times before – all the things he might say to the people in his life, both living and dead, if he had a chance to see them again – but now that he actually has that chance, everything he’s drafted in his head feels inadequate. It may take some time to get his thoughts in order before sitting down and openly discussing his and Melanie’s fraught relationship.

“So… Martin?” Georgie says, snapping Jon out of his thoughts. “Have you seen him yet?”

Jon makes an uncertain tilting motion with his hand, finding no succinct way to explain that yes, he did have a brief encounter with Martin, but it was a one-sided conversation, and Jon expected as much, but it still hurt; and moreover, Martin was invisible when he visited, no doubt intending to just see for himself that Jon was awake, check in on how he was doing without being noticed; and Jon wishes he had been able to do the same, to have some irrefutable physical reassurance that Martin is alive and real and here and now, because it’s been so long, and…

“…he seemed determined to avoid – me,” Jon settles on instead.

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

“I need him to be okay –”

“– the easy, charming man I’d fall in love with.”

“Oh,” Georgie says, sounding stunned. Jon meets her eyes and gives her a quizzical look. “I just – knowing you, I figured you’d still be in denial about how infatuated you are? Or, at best, you’d grudgingly admit you maybe, possibly had a little crush? I was not expecting a declaration of love.”

“Everything about being with him felt so natural that when he told me he loved me, it only came as a surprise to realize that we hadn’t said it already –”

“– and together it seemed like we would get past our pain.”

“Holy shit,” Georgie murmurs. “You’re absolutely besotted. I mean, I knew you were, you talked about him all the time and you’re not as subtle as you think you are – but actually acknowledging it?”

“…honestly it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand,” Jon replies, not bothering to hide his small smile.

“Wow. You’ve… changed more than I thought.” Georgie mirrors his expression, but then she falters, chewing the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Can I ask how it – if it…” Jon’s smile fades too, but he makes a beckoning gesture: It’s okay; go on. “Regardless of whether things worked out between you, I… well, I have a hard time thinking you’d come back to this time if it meant leaving him behind in your future?”

Jon looks down at their linked hands, expressionless as he begins to construct a response.

“I’ll skip over the bit where –”

“– taking me in his arms and giving me the last and longest hug I would ever get from him –”

“– he was gone. Just gone. And I was alone again. There was no one I could talk to about it –”

“– I had plenty of time to mourn him –”

“– it took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor, as I slowly dragged myself away from the edge of my lonely grave.”

Georgie gives his hand a reassuring squeeze, which he returns gratefully.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. “For what it’s worth, I… I’m glad you have this second chance. You… are going to tell him how you feel this time as well, right?”

Obviously, he wants to say, but it’s not as simple as he wishes it was. He frowns thoughtfully as he searches for a way to explain the situation.

“…he’s been so lonely –”

“– embraced the loneliness like an old friend –”

“– for a creature of the Lonely, the urge is to isolate, never to communicate or connect –”

“– I wanted to say something reassuring, to reach out and let him know I was still there –”

“But it was like this last time you woke up, too.” She waits for his affirmative before continuing: “So you can do it again.”

“…I managed it eventually, but my inability to speak –”

“– I found him difficult to talk to at length.”

“But,” she persists, “you aren’t going to give up, right?”

“…I knew he would return eventually,” Jon says.

“Good,” Georgie says with a relieved, somewhat exasperated sigh. “I swear to god, if you’d gotten fatalistic right there, I’d have had some words for you.” Jon chuckles. “Seriously, though – you’ll figure this out. You’ve always been stubborn. Every now and then, it’s even an asset.”

“I’m grateful to her, of course.”

“Again, don’t mention it. As long as you keep trying, I’ll support you. I might set limits on how much I’m willing to get involved with the actual supernatural bits – I haven’t decided just yet – but when I need to step back, I’ll tell you. I’m not going to ghost you just because you don’t grovel.”

Jon groans at the pun, which gets a self-satisfied grin out of Georgie.

“Oh, shut up. It was a good one.”

Right, I forgot: comatose people don’t need pens, Jon thinks irritably to himself the next day, turning his office upside down looking for a writing utensil.

He’s so thoroughly preoccupied with rummaging through his desk that he doesn’t notice Basira standing in the doorway until she clears her throat, startling him so badly that he jumps and slams one of his fingers in the drawer. He yelps in pain and pulls his hand back, shaking it out to distract from the throbbing. A moment later, the realization crosses his mind that it’s the same finger he’d tried to cut off the last time he was here.

It’s a coincidence, he tells himself before his mind can wander too far down the rabbit hole. He has enough to worry about without getting caught up in the hypotheticals of time travel and sci-fi tropes about the changeability of the past. Besides, the Coffin hasn't even arrived yet; there are still a few weeks before the original date of his failed self-amputation attempts.

“Sorry,” Basira says, eyebrows raised. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Honestly, I figured you’d just know I was here.” Jon has nothing to say to that. Trying to explain the fine details of Knowing has never been a pleasant experience, and he couldn’t tackle that subject now even if he’d wanted to. “What are you looking for, anyway?”

“…think of me as an idiot who turned up to give a statement without a pen,” Jon says distractedly, opening another drawer and sifting through it. “I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Pens?” Jon nods without looking up. “Yeah, I threw them all out – don’t give me that look, Jon. Half of them didn’t even work, and the others looked like a puppy’s chew toy. Anyway, most of what I threw out in here got touched by the Flesh. You didn’t want any of it back, trust me.” Jon grimaces. “Yeah. Anyway, there are boxes in the supply closet – but I think I can do you one better.”

She tosses something at him. He notices the movement belatedly and just barely manages to catch the thing, nearly dropping it.

“Guess knowing things also doesn’t extend to being able to catch without fumbling,” Basira deadpans.

Jon looks down at the phone in his hands, then back up at Basira.

“Got the Institute to cover it as a work expense. I have no idea where the one you had before the Unknowing ended up; I’m assuming it blew up along with everything else.” Basira leans back against the doorframe. “I’m sure texting will go about as well for you as typing has, but Georgie downloaded a few AAC apps for you to try.”

He gives Basira a tentative smile.

“You’re welcome,” she says with a curt nod. The look she gives him then is curious – almost like she’s still trying to get a read on him, debating how much closeness she can risk. Then her guard goes back up and her tone turns authoritative again. “You can practice with them later. Meeting’s in a half-hour.”

Before Jon can respond, Basira turns and leaves.

It’s uncertain how the Archive will take to this newest workaround, but there’s only one way to find out.

“Here, let me take –”

Jon unceremoniously drops the box of statements down through the trapdoor, where it hits the ground below with a dull thud and a puff of dust.

“…or not,” Georgie finishes.

“Was that really necessary?” Basira calls from the bottom of the ladder.

Completely pointless, Jon thinks to himself a bit giddily, ignoring the stabbing pain in his temples with relish. The Beholding can complain all it wants about him mishandling statements; right now, he’s too tired and too delirious to care.

He’d had plenty of time during the apocalypse to develop methods of coping with the Eye’s intrusiveness. The most emotionally satisfying one he’d happened upon basically amounted to random acts of spite. It had no material effect on anything – aside from triggering varying degrees of headaches, but he already got those anyway. It was no different than a petulant child slamming a bedroom door, but it gave him that fleeting feeling of being in control of something, and it felt good.

“Let me go first,” Georgie says. He gives her a questioning look. “You’re using a cane, Jon. There’s a fifty percent chance you’re going to fall on your ass going down that ladder, and I’d rather keep you out of the hospital for the rest of the year.” Jon averts his eyes and frowns. She must interpret it as reluctance, because she clarifies: “You need a spotter.”

Jon signals agreement and she starts down the ladder ahead of him.

The thing is, he wasn’t trying to contradict her. It’s just… well, he’s still getting used to the idea of being cared for again, especially when it comes to insignificant things. Yes, his leg is acting up today, but it’s not that bad – the cane is just to keep it from getting any worse. And if he did fall, it’s not like it would kill him. It would be inconvenient, unpleasant, and probably embarrassing, but too temporary to really register on his distress scale.

Anyway, he’s grown desensitized to physical pain. Or… no, that’s not quite right. What he’s desensitized to isn’t the pain itself, but the experience of being harmed. He’s come to expect it, and these days only the only permanent injuries he receives are those inflicted by one of the Powers. Everything else heals too quickly and completely to feel consequential. Most things don’t even scar anymore, and those that do – well, what’s one more scar?

He knows it’s not a healthy mindset. Even before the world ended, he’d come to regard his body with a sense of detachment. In retrospect, he should’ve known that his rib wouldn’t work as an anchor. Most days, his body didn’t even feel like it belonged to him. Then, as if to confirm that inkling, Jonah possessed him; the Watcher’s eyes started manifesting on and around him; his presence became synonymous with the Eye to anyone who beheld him. He confirmed on several occasions that he wasn’t able to die. Even the Hunt couldn’t kill him. Jon would end one day, like everything else, but a mundane physical death was beyond him.

He doesn’t Know if that’s still the case now, and he’s too afraid to ask.

So, yes: he’s developed a cavalier attitude towards personal safety. Avoiding minor injuries feels almost on the same level as what temperature the water is before he steps into the shower: relevant in terms of his own comfort, but otherwise unimportant. He’s always spared little thought as to his own comfort, and it’s only gotten worse since becoming the Archivist. And the apocalypse didn’t exactly have much to offer in the way of comfort anyway, especially after…

Jon cringes as he stops to reflect on that train of thought. It took him fewer than thirty seconds to rationalize… well, Martin would have called it self-harm. Or self-sabotage, at the least. Georgie probably would, too, if she could see inside his mind right now. His judgment of what counts as worthy of concern is decidedly skewed, especially to an outside observer. It was easy to justify it to himself when it was just him alone at the end of the world, but employing a mindset forged in hopelessness and tailored to a doomed future is only going to be maladaptive here and now.

He should probably take some time later to unpack all of that. It would be easier if he could write it all out; it’s always difficult to keep track of his own thoughts without a visual aid, but –

“Jon?” Georgie calls up to him. “You can come down now.”

Deal with it later, he tells himself, tossing his cane down for Georgie to catch. As he makes his way down the ladder, his leg does twinge a bit, but it holds his weight well enough, and he reaches the bottom without incident.

“Where’s Melanie?” Basira asks.

“Resting,” Georgie says, handing Jon his cane. “She had a bad morning. I’ll fill her in on everything later.”

“Fine.” Basira nudges the box with her foot. “What’s this then?”

“Statements,” Georgie says. She’d watched Jon throw them haphazardly into the box before coming down here. “Not sure why, though.”

Jon moves the box to one of the chairs that they left in the tunnel last night. It isn’t too heavy – just some pertinent statements and tapes that he thought might make this discussion flow more smoothly. Taking a seat in the next chair over, he removes the lid from the box and begins rummaging.

“Statement of Joshua Gillespie, regarding his time in possession of an apparently empty wooden casket,” Jon says after a moment, holding up a folder labeled CASE #9982211 and containing the respective written statement. One page sticks out crookedly, and Jon’s heart skips a beat when he recognizes Tim’s handwriting. This had been one of his cases to follow up on.

He shakes his head and sets the folder aside, reaching into the box for the corresponding tape. Instead, his fingertips brush against a different loose cassette, and his breath catches in his throat.

“Statement of Detective Alice ‘Daisy’ Tonner,” he says quietly, removing the cassette. “Traffic stop of a delivery van.”

“This is the statement Daisy gave you?” Basira says. “She said you compelled her.”

“I didn’t realize that was what had happened until afterwards,” Jon says softly. He pulls a tape recorder from his pocket and gives Basira a questioning look.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, go ahead.”

Jon inserts the cassette and fast-forwards, stopping when he Knows he’s reached the right timestamp. His own recorded voice begins to play.

“If you don’t mind me asking, h-h-how long have you been sectioned now –”

“I do mind,” comes Daisy’s clipped voice. Then, immediately: “Fourteen years.”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to make a statement?”

“About what?”

“Whatever you like. Fourteen years – you must have seen a number of paranormal things.”

“And you want me to tell you about them.”

“Uh – I-I-I-I-I –”

“Okay,” says Daisy.

“What?”

“Okay. I’ll give you a statement about – how I got my first Section 31.” A beat. “You look surprised.”

“I mean, I was largely asking as a formality. Basira didn’t give me the impression you were the sharing sort.”

“Maybe you caught me in a good mood.”

“Right, well… good. Do you need me to go over our non-disclosure policy –”

“Not as long as you understand my policy: if it gets out, I’ll break every bone in your body.”

“There are worse things that could happen to them,” the Jon on the tape mutters.

Jon hits stop and looks up at Basira. There’s a sheen to her eyes; he does her the courtesy of looking away and not drawing attention to it. After a long few seconds, she clears her throat. When she speaks, her voice is even and impassive.

“So you really didn’t know you were compelling people back then.”

“…he had no idea what was about to happen to him.”

He probably should have noticed sooner, but he was always so fixated on listening to the answer to a question that he paid comparatively little attention to the asking of it. Insensitive of him, really – far too like the detached fascination of the Ceaseless Watcher, in retrospect. The reality that he had the power to compel others didn’t really sink in until after his conversation with Jude.

Jon notices belatedly that the other two are watching him expectantly. He hadn’t planned on playing Daisy’s tape first, but since he already has it prepared to go, he fast-forwards to the beginning of her statement and lets it play through to the end. No one makes any comment in the few seconds it takes for him to swap the cassette out for Joshua Gillespie’s statement.

“So the Coffin makes people want to enter it,” Basira says as the second statement ends. “Is that why you went in, the first time? You were compelled?”

Jon shakes his head no. Daisy had asked him the same question last time. It’s true that the Coffin called to him, but its compulsion never got beneath his skin – not like that of the Beholding or the Web. In the end, going into the Buried was his decision.

“Why, then?”

“…survivor’s guilt,” Jon says. “I should be dead, really – it’s hard to reconcile yourself with avoiding a death that you feel should have been yours.”

There was more to it, though. He takes a minute to rifle through statements, to piece together his state of mind the first time he entered the Buried.

“I felt a great deal of guilt over my involvement with –”

“– the path of the Eye –”

“– when they looked at me, their eyes were full of – anger – blame –”

“– looked at me with a mixture of hate and helpless terror, as though I could do something to fix it –”

“– cut off effectively all human contact –”

“– I decided I had to do something – anything to get out of the fog –”

“– to lose myself in something that is not the absence of humanity –”

“– desperate to remind myself that I could still feel something –”

“– desperate for any human connection.”

He pauses for a breath. Looking back, if Jon hadn’t been so thoroughly claimed by the Beholding already, he may have been a candidate for the Lonely himself back then. Peter Lukas didn’t have to lift a finger.

“I was starting to fear that if I didn’t manage to do something –”

“– I would lose myself – forever –”

“– I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try –”

“– it was – the most human part of it remaining –”

“– to act, to help, to do something –”

“– I need to not lose any more bits of me –”

“– and worst comes to worst –”

“– at least I felt useful.”

Georgie’s eyes are on him now, reading between the lines.

“Did you even have a plan? Or did you just… rush in by yourself, not even tell anyone?” He nods. “Which?” He gives Georgie a pointed look, nodding a second time. “Both? Figures. Don’t know why I bothered asking, really.”

“…but this time was different,” he assures her.

“How did you get out?” Basira asks.

“It took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor.”

“Meaning?”

“…her anchor. The thing weighing her down, tying her to this world,” he tries again.

“Something to ground you,” Georgie says questioningly.

“…to make finding my way back – that much easier.”

“And you can do the same thing this time?” Basira waits for his confirmation before moving on. “What about the delivery itself?”

Jon pulls out another folder and cassette, both labeled CASE #9961505.

“Statement of Alfred Breekon, regarding a new pair of workers at his delivery company.”

“Breekon and Hope?” Basira asks.

Jon nods, inserts the tape, and depresses the play button.

“They’ve been in a few statements, haven’t they?” Basira says afterwards, forehead creased in thought.

As an answer, Jon removes one last cassette from the box before tilting it forward to reveal a handful of case files sliding around at the bottom. All of them contain minor references either to Breekon and Hope or the Coffin, but none of them struck him as significant enough to bother bringing the accompanying tapes.

The remaining cassette in his hand, label reading CASE #0020406, is only relevant for the last minute or so of the recording: Martin’s encounter with Breekon and Hope on the day they delivered the NotThem’s table and the Web’s lighter. Jon pops it into the recorder, fast-forwards to the relevant timestamp, and hits play. Breekon and Hope’s voices echo in the tunnel, finishing each other’s sentences in an uncanny back-and-forth volley.

“Hm.” Basira frowns. “And they just… got into the Archives without anyone seeing them?” Jon nods. “I’m assuming we can expect the same this time?" Another nod, but Jon holds up two fingers, gives Basira a meaningful look, and then puts one down. “Only one of them.”

“Statement of the surviving half of the being calling itself ‘Breekon and Hope,’” Jon says. Then: “When that Hunter killed him – took him from me, made us a me – the casket – was waiting – I fed her to it.”

“Do we have to worry about a fight?”

Jon shakes his head no. “We did not kill them, did not lift a finger. We were bringers of their awful fate, not its executors – and we both tasted it together.” He fast-forwards the statement in his head. “I am without him now – can feel myself fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver. But I am no longer tied to the casket, so you can have it – climb in, and join her.”

“So we just, what, let it deliver the thing and leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed –”

“– fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver.”

“And then you go in.”

Jon nods. There are more details, of course, but the basics of his plan are the same as they were last time: equip himself with Daisy’s tape, follow the pull of her voice, rely on his anchor to find the way back – albeit hopefully with fewer hiccups this time.

Or fewer lost ribs, at least, now that he has a better grasp on anchors.

Several days later, a visitor arrives in the Archives, albeit not the one they’ve been expecting.

Head pillowed in his arms on his desk, dozing and half-conscious, Jon is roused from a shallow sleep by voices in the hallway, filtering through the open crack in the door.

“This area is off-limits,” Basira is saying.

“I’m just looking for the Head Archivist. Jonathan Sims? He still works here, doesn’t he?”

Is that…

“What do you want with Jon?” Georgie’s voice, sounding genuinely curious, but anyone familiar with her would recognize the protective edge to it.

“Look, is he here or isn’t he?”

It is.

Rubbing bleary eyes and shaking off the remaining wisps of brain fog, Jon stands, his joints cracking in protest. He grabs his cane, heads for the door, and peeks out into the hallway.

Naomi Herne is here, standing in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs between the Archives and the rest of the Institute. She looked his way when she heard the creak of the door opening, and their eyes meet for a brief moment before he reflexively averts his gaze.

“Jon?” She sidesteps Basira and Georgie and starts walking towards him.

He digs in his pockets and brings out his phone. So far, the AAC app has turned out to be a decent workaround. Prolonged use will still give him a headache in much the same way that communicating through illustration does, but it’s helpful for making specific requests, asking direct questions, and conveying simple or general concepts. He’ll accept a headache if it means not being forced to use some convoluted metaphor just to say I don’t know or I’m short-circuiting, please give me some space or I’m going to make tea; would you like some?

“YOU ARE – HERE,” comes the computerized voice as he prods at the screen. “WHY.”

For a long moment, Naomi says nothing, staring at the phone in his hand.

“It’s been over a week since I last saw you,” she says slowly. “At first I thought it must be because you woke up – which was a good guess, it seems – but then days went by and no dreams, and… I was worried.” Jon tilts his head, confused. “What’s with that look?”

Jon opens and closes his mouth a few times, debating on whether to reach for a statement. It feels wrong to be dishonest with her, and a hopeful part of him suggests that Naomi wouldn’t react too badly. She’s seen worse from him, and none of that seems to have scared her away, so…

“…I wasn’t worth worrying about.”

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Why are you so stubborn?”

Georgie laughs at that. When Naomi glances in her direction, she starts approaching the two of them, apparently satisfied that Naomi isn’t a threat. Likewise, Basira drifts off down the hall and into the break room. She leaves the door open, though – Jon Knows she still wants to listen in, just in case.

“He’s always been like this,” Georgie says.

“Figures,” Naomi says, then looks back at Jon. “So, why haven’t you been around? Did you find a way to sever the dreams, or…?” Jon shakes his head no. “Then what?”

“It’s not like I sleep enough to worry about dreams,” he says evasively.

Naomi opens her mouth to reply and at that moment Jon’s phone goes off. He nearly drops the thing as he fumbles to dismiss the alarm. Once the noise is silenced, Jon sighs and looks at Georgie.

“You want me to…?” Jon nods, giving her permission to speak on his behalf. “Okay then.”

Georgie looks at Naomi.

“Jonathan” – Jon huffs at the use of his full name – “has been depriving himself of sleep. But no matter how stubborn he is, he’s still human.” Georgie gives him a stern look, daring him to contradict her. He doesn’t; it isn’t worth getting into this discussion, especially in front of Naomi. “Now he’s started nodding off in spite of himself, he’s been forced to admit that he can’t go without sleep forever – but instead of actually sleeping, he’s decided that the best course of action is to just set alarms at forty-five minute intervals, to wake him up before he enters REM sleep. Which means he’s not getting any restful sleep.” She looks at Jon and smiles disarmingly. “Does that about cover it?”

Jon rolls his eyes – she really didn’t need to offer the detail about his new alarm routine – but he nods all the same.

“And why don’t you want to sleep?” Naomi asks.

“The only thing that worried me was sleeping. I think it gave me bad dreams,” he says.

“Not to be rude, but…” Naomi hesitates before blurting out: “Why are you talking like that?”

“He’s been having… some speech difficulties,” Georgie says, glancing at Jon. He makes a circular motion with one hand: It’s fine; go ahead. “Ever since he woke up, he’s only able to speak in quotes from the statements? It’s… challenging, to say the least.”

“Ah,” Naomi says, chipper, “just some new spooky developments, then.”

Out of habit, Jon glares at her for her word choice, but there’s no real ire in it. If anything, it’s a relief to find that Naomi’s attitude toward him seems unchanged despite said new spooky developments.

“But…” Naomi frowns. “You’ve been having these dreams for two years now, and you said you’ve mostly gotten them sorted. So how is sleeping now any different from the last few months?”

“He’s afraid that things will go back to the way they were before.”

“O…kay,” Naomi says slowly, “but you told me that most of the others have already learned to stop the nightmare sequence without you. And everyone knows now that you aren’t as scary as you look – which, by the way, is it weird that by now it's almost more unsettling to see you with only two eyes? Sorry, not the point. The point is, it won’t be the same as it was before.”

Jon stares fixedly at a scratch on the floor. Left over from the Flesh attack, maybe? He could Know, but –

Focus, he tells himself before his thoughts can wander too far afield.

He isn’t sure how to explain that the other dreamers may not be as forgiving or fearless as Naomi is. Even if they were to find it in themselves to overlook a relapse, even if they don’t start viewing him the way they did before… the prospect of having his bodily autonomy stripped from him again is more than enough to fill him with dread.

It feels too much like the way the hunger pulls him inexorably toward a victim. It will probably feel like how it does when the Archive takes control. And it will definitely feel like it did when he was made a conduit for the Watcher’s Crown. Jonah wearing him like a glove. Locking him in place, forcing his eyes open, hijacking his voice. Making him into a possession, only to cast him aside like a broken toy once he had served his purpose.

“– Jon?”

With some effort, he drags himself back to the present.

“Something not moving but that wants to move. Wants to be free –”

“– stopped being able to move under his own power – walk him like a puppet – directed and controlled –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help.”

Hands shaking, he inputs a response on his phone.

“I AM – SCARED.”

“That’s… okay, that sounds properly horrifying,” Naomi admits. “But you don’t know for sure that’s what’ll happen, right?” Grudgingly, Jon shakes his head no. “So you could be fretting over nothing.”

“So far, so normal, right?”

“Smartass,” Naomi says, but with good humor. “Still, you can’t go without sleep forever – you’re going to have to face it eventually. You may as well get it over with sooner rather than later, and then you’ll know for sure. If nothing else, you’ll get some sleep out of it. But,” she says with a longsuffering sigh, “I have a feeling you’re going to keep pushing it, so…” She holds out her hand and crooks her fingers. “Phone. I’m adding my number to your contacts.”

It isn’t until Jon hands it over that he even consciously processes her words.

“Just so you know,” Georgie says, “he can’t really text, either. Unless it’s in statements.”

“That’s fine,” Naomi says, typing rapidly with her thumbs. “You can just reply with emojis or whatever, Jon. Just something to let me know you’re still alive.” She hands the phone back to him. “And this way I can send you pictures of the Duchess.”

Jon perks up at that.

“The Duchess?” Georgie asks.

“Yep. Adopted a cat last week.” Naomi’s smile is wider than Jon has ever seen it. “She’s settling in nicely,” she says to him before looking back to Georgie. “I almost changed her name, but Jon insisted I leave it as is. Said I shouldn’t deprive her of a title she’d rightfully earned.”

Georgie snorts. “He said the same about the Admiral.”

“Oh, you must be Georgie, then? I’ve heard a lot about… uh –”

“Don’t worry; I’m well aware you’ve heard more about the Admiral than me. Pretty sure Jon prefers his company to mine half the time.” She ignores the indignant look Jon shoots her and holds out her phone to Naomi. “Jon was notoriously terrible at answering texts even before all of… this. Feel free to direct any, ‘Is Jonathan Sims still alive?’ queries to me.”

Jon watches in bewilderment as the two of them exchange numbers. Not for the first time, he wonders how this kind of socializing seems to come so naturally to other people.

“I also wouldn’t mind seeing a photo of the Duchess.”

“What about a group text?” Naomi says. “Spooky-free zone, cat-related updates only. Everyone gets their daily dose of cat antics, I get to honestly tell my therapist that I’m not self-isolating, and Jon can just like things to let me know he’s still breathing. Three birds, one stone.”

“Good idea.” Georgie gives Jon an exacting look. “It’ll give you something nice to obsess over. I’ll have to ask Melanie if she wants to be added, too. She could use the distraction.”

Jon can feel a smile tug at his lips as he hurriedly taps out a response.

“YES – PLEASE – THANK YOU.”

Jon and the others try to retreat to the tunnels as often as possible – every other day, if they can manage it – even if there isn’t a pressing matter to discuss. More than anything, it’s a ploy to throw off Jonah. There’s every possibility that he would grow suspicious if the group only held their secretive meetings just prior to major events. Meeting frequently likely won’t alarm him too much, though. Jonah is likely to write off Jon’s furtiveness as paranoia, or simply his near-compulsive tendency to retread the same ground in aimless circles, obsessing over a single question ad infinitum.

Jon isn’t sure whether he Knows this, or if he’s just become uncomfortably familiar with Jonah’s thought processes. Either way, Jon is well aware of what Jonah thinks of him, of how the man can effortlessly dissect and predict Jon’s every outward action and inner experience. If he's honest with himself, Jonah’s scrutiny may terrify him even more than the Ceaseless Watcher’s.

At least the Eye is alien, operating entirely outside the bounds of human morality and emotion. It and all of the other Fears just… are what they are. Predictable, instinctual, amoral – or operating on a sort of blue and orange morality, at least. It brings to mind something Michael said to him, all those years ago: “Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it?”

Someone like Jonah Magnus, though – born human, raised human, spending several lifetimes embedded in human society – can understand his fellow humans much more intimately than any nonhuman Entity ever could, and he uses that understanding to torture his victims, knowing full well how it feels. On the one hand, Jon and all his other pawns throughout the centuries are nothing but means to an end; he cares little for them outside of their usefulness to him. On the other hand, he isn’t fully detached: there’s no denying the sadistic glee he took in gloating as he forced Jon to open the door.

Even in a world devoid of the Dread Powers, monsters would still exist, and a mundane human monstrosity is almost as dreadful as a supernatural one. Daisy derived joy from the Hunt with more complexity than a wolf would. Jon’s own hunts may have felt instinctual, but they also felt morally wrong in a way that tearing the legs off a spider would never feel to a cat – and he did it anyway. Even Gertrude embodied a certain flavor of monstrosity, despite never fully giving in to the temptation of the Beholding. She did not need to embrace any supernatural power; her ruthlessness damned innocent people all the same, as thoroughly as the Desolation and with as much precision as the Web.

Georgie and Martin – and Helen, even – may have a point about humanity and monstrosity not following a strict either/or dichotomy. Whether the Fears were birthed by humanity or preceded it, in the world as-is they would be toothless without human imagination to fuel and interpret and inspire them. The apocalypse demonstrated that fact rather starkly the more and more the human population dwindled.

Jon shakes his head, interrupting that line of thought. There are more important things to worry about right now. Namely: it’s the third of March, and the Institute is expecting a visitor.

Basira is with him in his office; Georgie is off keeping Melanie company, away from Breekon and any possibility of a confrontation. They’d all agreed to this arrangement last night in the tunnels, and since they’ve been having those clandestine meetings so regularly, it should look like a coincidence to Jonah, rather than a prearranged setup.

And Breekon arrives right on schedule, though this time he cannot catch Basira alone. He comes directly to Jon’s office, dragging the Coffin behind him.

“Jon,” Basira says urgently, not taking her eyes off the hulking figure darkening the doorway.

They must tread carefully – not seeming so unconcerned as to let on that they were expecting the delivery, but not overselling the act so much that Jonah would sense something was amiss.

“I wish I could say that was the last I saw of them – but they did return – started to make deliveries – Breekon and Hope.”

“Where’s the other one?” Basira asks.

“That copper took him from me,” Breekon says balefully. He drags the Coffin over the threshold, lets it fall to the ground with a thump, and jerks his head at it. “So I fed her to the pit.”

“Daisy’s in there,” Basira says, bristling.

“That’s its name? Then sure, ‘t’s in there, whatever’s left. Find out if you like.”

“…get out of my office –”

Jon’s voice crackles with static, and Breekon takes one step backward.

“What are you doing? Stop that.”

“Jon,” Basira says warningly.

“– as soon as they’d placed the box on the floor, they turned around and walked out –”

The static continues to rise in volume.

“I said stop it!” Breekon grunts through gritted teeth, even as he turns and steps back over the threshold.

“– the door slammed behind them” – Breekon does indeed reach for the handle and pulls the door shut after him – “and I was left – with this package.”

The static cuts out abruptly, and Jon exhales heavily, winded.

“What the hell was that?” Basira demands, rounding on Jon. “Did you just – compel him to leave?”

“…apparently this was how it was done now,” Jon says quietly. That at least answers the question of whether he can still effectively use that power. He isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Knew you could compel people to answer questions. Didn’t know you could compel actions, too.”

Jon shuts his eyes, still catching his breath. There were limits on his compulsion abilities even during the apocalypse; there are bound to be just as many now, if not more. He doesn’t have the mindset for muddling through a complicated explanation right now, though, so he opts for the AAC app instead.

“LITTLE,” he selects from the screen. It should be enough to get the general point across, at least for now.

“Great. I’ll just put that in the ominous column, shall I?” Basira sighs. “Is it really okay to just… let him leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed,” he says simply.

“If you say so.” She stares intently at the Coffin, arms crossed. “So, what now?”

Without another word, Jon stands and beckons for Basira to follow. As he locks the office door behind them, Basira tells him to go wait for her at the tunnel entrance while she fetches Melanie and Georgie. He nods absentmindedly, but she’s already left without waiting for a response.

The last time, two weeks spanned between the delivery of the Coffin and the day Jon actually opened it. This time, there’s no need to wait. He still has some preparations to make – there’s no need to visit the Boneturner, but Jon does still want to leave some tapes running to serve as physical anchors. He also has to plan for the possibility of something going wrong, even if he is fairly confident in his ability to find his way back again. Mainly, he’d like to leave a letter behind for Martin, though the Archive might make that difficult.

Other than that, it’s just a matter of mentally preparing himself for another trip into the Buried.

Knowing what to expect doesn’t make it any less terrifying, though. If anything, it might make it worse.

End Notes:

Soooo I thought I'd be able to cover more plot in this chapter, but I was too attached to the scene with Naomi to scrap it, and I wanted that conversation between Jon and Georgie to happen pre-Buried. The result is that this chapter feels a bit scattershot. But that means next chapter I can just focus on the Coffin. Thanks for bearing with me! (Hoping to have next chapter ready by this weekend or early next week. Depends on how busy work is.)

For anyone unfamiliar with AAC (augmentative and alternative communication) devices/apps and wondering why it's different from typing/texting for Jon - the app he's using has preloaded phrases and images he can select from, so he doesn't have to type/text character-by-character. It still has drawbacks for him - difficult to use for long periods of time, less likely to work the more specific he tries to be, like with drawing - but at least there's another communication option for him to reach for now.

Citations for Jon's verbal dialogue are as follows, broken down by section. Section 1: None. Section 2: 009; 036; 050/027/008/153/010/015/009/124/056/128; 112; 045/005/112/131; 045; 020/134; 157; 017; 138/130; 059; 029; 101/024; 135; 094; both 028 & 076; 148; 094; 042; 054; 117/013; 013/009; 150; 013/009/013/007/013; 146/092/151/063; 002/050; 009; 062. Section 3: 038. Section 4: 002; 061; 050; 056; 051; 019/138/013/105/113/013/092/122/102; 019/048/011/123/124/014/145/139; 051; 013, 145; 023; 096; 128; 128 (again); 008/128. Section 5: 014; 113; 002; 032/136/015; 025. Section 6: 096; 006; 002; 002 (again); 005; 008.

The taped banter between Daisy and Jon is from MAG 061. The Michael quote is from MAG 101. A few bits of Breekon's dialogue were borrowed from MAG 128.

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Drop the Evie essay you wrote

okay so first of all it wasn’t really an essay the way some of my ramblings are, more like just me writing down all of my thoughts in a vaguely coherent manner bc my brain was running too fast to really organize it 

and second of all, just to be on the safe side, these are the potential trigger warnings that I would give for the essay — I don’t know if they all actually come up or not, but better safe than sorry, so proceed with caution!

Potential TWs: being outed, parental neglect, character death (canon), suicide attempts (semi-canon), eating disorders, lots of mental health issues, and lots of general trauma and feelings of never being good enough, and canon typical references to drinking/drugs/partying/etc

so just like a fun fact, Evie’s vitamin water of choice is zero sugar strawberry lemonade and yes i spent too long reading reviews on different flavours all because gossip girl did an entire product placement episode

anyways now onto real thoughts let’s go lesbians let’s go

so okay evie has a... very negative experience with Lily’s various boyfriends and husbands.  When Evie was younger she was always hopeful that this time would be different, that they’d be a family, that her mom would actually stick around, and every single time she’s been let down and left heartbroken.  When her mom starts dating Bart, Evie is very against it but she just can’t be bothered to even try to talk to Lily — Lily will date him, maybe get married, play house, abandon her children, then get divorced, and the cycle will repeat, and Lily will never give a shit about how her children feel about it.  Bart is just the latest rich man for Lily to set her sights on.  Given the overall shittiness of most of Lily’s exes, Evie had figured she would be a lot more vocally against Lily dating again, but Bart... 

Bart himself may terrify Evie, but Evie’s unwavering faith that Chuck will always protect her outweighs that fear, and Evie has long since given up on her mom caring about her opinions so she just takes comfort in the fact that Chuck will be there and tries to just ignore the rest — and the fact that Bart is pretty much always away does help with that.  That being said, she was very distraught when Bart spends season 1 christmas with them, but then Bart’s “present” for her was flying Chuck home for a few days because Lily mentioned that Eric was teasing Evie about being excited about having Chuck as a brother, and he's trying to semi-win over the kids (aka bribe them into accepting him as Lily’s fiancé)

Evie speaks several languages!  She started learning French and Spanish at a very young age, and then picked more up from Lily’s various husbands.  She’s not fluent in all of them but she can hold conversations in eight languages — and four of them were from Lily’s boyfriends (and italian was half pieced together from French and Spanish), and she just keeps learning more because she tries to keep herself too busy to think at any given moment

Rufus is her favourite step-dad by far, but Chuck is her favourite step-sibling (and second favourite sibling, after Eric).  That being said, Bart was surprisingly decent to her because even he quickly figured out that Evie has the innate ability to get Chuck to do basically anything, and he wanted her on his side, only he underestimated how much Evie hates him for treating Chuck like shit — as she says in 2x07, “if you want us to be a family, you should learn how to be a dad”

Evie has a bit of a thing for stealing coats lmao — it’s not unusual to find her stealing Chuck, Eric, Theo, or even Nate’s jackets when she gets cold or starts feeling particularly self conscious.  At the housewarming party she actually gets to bothered by all the media watching her constantly that Chuck goes and gets her one of his blazers to replace the cropped one she was wearing, and she immediately feels a bit more at east

Evie is a jock like it’s understated but she’s on multiple sports teams at school and plays outside of school too — she’s also in dance classes several times a week, along with private vocal lessons, and being part of every theatre production at Constance Billard (musicals and plays), and is on the yearbook committee.  Basically, Evie needs a fucking nap, and with a lot of pushing from Chuck and Eric and Theo (to balance out Blair “do absolutely everything in the name of Yale” Waldorf) she does eventually ease up on her extra-curriculars

She holds far too much power in the Constance-St Jude hierarchy.  She’s a freshman, but it’s well known that Evie is completely untouchable.  Some people (cough Jenny) might try to cross Blair, but no one is stupid enough to go after Evie — she’s not just Blair’s protégée, she’s also under Chuck’s protection.  And when Jenny does try to cross her in season 3 (physical and emotional bullshit, public humiliation, telling the entire school she’d tried to kill herself and had been at Ostroff not “in florida”), well... she learns that even being family won’t stop her entire life from being destroyed

Speaking of Jenny... that’s a very messy relationship — I want to like Jenny, I really do, but I just... don’t so far.  They’re a very sweet relationship early on, neither of them had dated before and they were just really smitten with each other and things were good.  There were definitely some issues because of the Jenny-Blair war, but they’d been okay — or so Evie had thought, until Jenny dumped her by means of introducing everyone to her new boyfriend, Asher.  Then of course there’s the party and Jenny outing her, and then just not talking to her for months until she needs something from them (an in to the White Party).  Eric manages to convince Evie to play nice, but he does so under the impression that Jenny had apologized to Evie — he didn’t know she’d only apologized to him.  Eventually Jenny does apologize and Evie tries to forgive her, and she keeps giving Jenny more and more second chances (especially once they become step sisters), but Jenny really just keeps hurting Evie to get on top because with Blair gone, Evie immediately becomes the new queen, and Jenny cares more about being queen than being nice.  Little does she realize that part of why Evie became queen with no challenge is because she’s nice.

and regarding Evie’s other relationships... so serena was a really good big sister when Eric & Evie were kids — Blair was the responsible sister and Serena was the fun sister, but it was a good balance and it worked.  But when the twins were around eleven and Serena was around 13, she became besties with Georgina Sparks, and everything went to shit.  Serena started getting into partying and drinking and drugs and became just as flighty and unreliable as Lily, which takes a significant toll on the twins’ mental health — side note, one of their therapists at the Ostroff Centre believes that their significant codependency stems from the abandonment issues they have as a result of Lily and Serena just up and leaving them whenever anything “better” comes along.

And unfortunately for the twins, this was around the same time (grade 6) that Theo got sent to boarding school, so really they lost both their sister and their best friend at the same time, and Theo leaving also messed up the overall group dynamics and they half lost Nate too — he was still in their lives but he went from being the dad to Blair’s mom to being more of a big brother, and there was this sort of hole that didn’t get filled until a couple of years later.

And of course, a lot of it then fell to Blair to try to fill that hole and the holes left by Serena and Lily and went from being sort of “mom friend big sister” to “literally the closest thing we have to a mom”, which is also just a lot of pressure for a thirteen year old girl and part of why Blair and Chuck got a lot closer after he ended up becoming their dad was because she finally had someone that she could talk to too.

Also like full disclosure, Chuck never really intended to become their dad.  He started off as a reluctant big brother because he was Nate’s best friend and Nate was the dad friend when they were younger, and Evie just kind of decided that she loved him and like no one can argue with Evie so all of a sudden he was part of the family.  He doesn’t really become dad until the van der Woodsens move into the hotel because suddenly Eric and Evie are just always there, and he doesn’t even realize it until months later, after Serena is gone and he realizes that he’s been skipping parties to like play mario kart and shit with the twins and Blair is just like “lmao yeah buddy you’re the last one to get this memo”

and then there’s this list that I made of the NJBC’s roles in raising the twins and theo back when they were younger

Blair: holds their hands to cross the street, teaches them not to talk to people who wear sneakers or to strangers, teaches them how to dress themselves like respectable people, makes them finish their homework before watching tv, hates all of their nannies and only trusts dorota to take care of them Nate: teaches them to tie their laces and their ties, plays video games and sports with them, helps them with homework and doesn't get impatient when they struggle, lets them use his notebooks to draw in when they're bored Chuck: will destroy anyone who hurts them, teaches them street smarts and how to tell when someone is lying, is the one who lets them do dumb and reckless things because he'd rather they do them when he's there to get in trouble, still refuses to believe that they know what sex is Serena: reminded them that it's okay to have fun and draw outside the lines, stood up for them when lily was being a shit mom and always tried to protect them from the worst of her neglect, came up with games to play when they were sad to take their minds off whatever is upsetting them

And Theo!!!!!!  Theo has been their best friend for their entire lives!  They’ve known him since they were babies and the three of them have always been inseparable!  Like highkey they were just a more functional NJBC lmao, and we love them for it!  Theo getting sent to boarding school was really hard on all three of them but they stayed in constant contact and whenever Theo is back in the city, it’s almost impossible to see them not together.  Theo does know that they were in the Centre, so once he’s back full time, he’s spending as much time visiting them as he can!  Even when Eric and Theo are dating (and later when Evie and Theo are dating), the group dynamics really never change!  It’s still always the three of them, and sometimes Jenny in s1, they’re still each other’s family, and they’re still just a bit too interdependent to be entirely healthy (it’s the trauma and neglectful parents)

on a slightly related note, neither of the twins drink anything other than champagne and sometimes wine, and neither of them touch drugs at all, and it’s entirely because of Serena.  They’ve both seen how much she’s changed since she got into that scene, and especially since ‘liking partying’ turned into ‘alcohol addiction’, and they’re both too afraid of ending up like that to even take the risk.  It’s something that definitely sets them apart from pretty much any of their peers, but they’ve gotten very good at just laughing it off with a “hey, I just don’t want to end up on Gossip Girl tomorrow” which people generally accept

(that being said, Evie did smoke for a while pre-canon bc cigarettes curb hunger, but she hasn’t smoked at all since ending up in the Centre, and once she’s out too many people have an eye on her for her to even try, and she does want to stop)

(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, fairly detailed discussion) so okay the breaking point for the twins... lily had just gone awol again and Blair was away visiting her dad and evie was at the archibalds’ house hanging out with theo, who was home for a weekend, and eric didn’t want to call anyone because lily’s disappearance had left him in a spiral of feeling annoying and like people didn’t really want him in their lives and there wasn’t a specific trigger but instead of the spiral slowing down or evie/chuck/blair being able to pull him out of it, it just kept getting worse until he was slitting his wrist in the bathroom — only Evie had just gotten home and when he didn’t reply to her calling his name, she got freaked out and started looking for him and when she saw him, she just... couldn’t deal.  She called 911 for eric but then she was just in the bathroom and covered in his blood and she didn’t know what to do and she needed to calm down so she grabbed a bottle of valium that she thinks was Lily’s but instead of just taking one pill she ended up taking all of them and downing them with a bottle of vodka serena had hidden — once she realized what she’d done she called Chuck and basically just said “I think I fucked up” and Chuck freaks out (understandably) and rushes to their suite and gets there basically just in time to see both of them being loaded into an ambulance; he claims he’s their brother and rides with them to the hospital where he calls blair, and arranges for his jet to pick her up asap, and then tries (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with lily

[kevkesblog]

Translation: Julian Brandt Interview for BVB Podcast (March 31, 2020)

ATTENTION LONG POST: probably the longest post on my blog so far. The interview went for about 32 minutes! He talks about how he spends his time at home now during the Corona-Virus, how people in his environment cope with the virus, how training goes in these special times. He also talks about the salary-cut BVB players agreed to and donations from football players and that story where he got badly sunburned in Spain once.

You can listen to the Podcast (Episode 4) with Julian here.

Well Julian, we are many meters apart. It’s a difficult time right now. How bored do you feel right now as a professional football player?

Ju:   Thankfully I have this talent – where I can always find something to do within my own four corners. I did buy myself – long before everything started – a new grill. So I trained myself to become my own grill master. And just recently I started to mix songs on my computer…. Which is something I completely suck at! 

Ok, ok… first of all: how do you train yourself to become a grill master? And you really weren’t talented in the beginning at all?

Ju:   Well sure I‘ve grilled before, but I’ve never had my own grill – neither when I lived in Cologne nor here in Dortmund. Well the weather has been good here in the past one or two weeks. And so I had this great idea – to get myself a grill, as long as I was still able to…

So you got yourself a grill for 2000 euros with five burners….

Ju    ….no, no, no. It has at least three burners (smiles). 

Three burners? 

Ju:   Yes, three burners. Well no, I mean we aren’t at a TV cooking show here but… yeah it has a nice look. 

Well you picked the topic. You have to get through it now. What stuff do you grill?

Ju:   Everything possible. I got… burgers! Really good! 

That sounds good…

Ju:   I mean if I would do this as a franchise, I would say „Five Guys“ could wrap everything up and leave (laughs).

(laughs) Ok. Well you just made some great burgers. So if you guys out there want some great burgers go to Julian Brandt. 

Ju:   Now let’s talk about music, because it’s something I can also do…

Awesome! Music is something I’m interested as well. I’m not fully into that topic, but what are you mixing? Tell us!

Ju:   Yeah, I mean I’m in contact with some guys who are at home. And we send each other many funny videos which has gone viral. And there was one video we saw with an awesome mix. It was from a young lady. Perhaps she was a DJane herself – I don’t know her though. So we thought it was really cool. And then I made myself a task and tried to replicate that mix at home. Because I had nothing to do. Yet, I reached my capacities pretty quickly… but I felt how I had developed… so yeah it was really cool and that’s where I started. Then I called one of my friends via Facetime… because I made it. And so I continued doing it.

Well we are still desperately looking for great content for YouTube, so if we can get some images of you grilling burgers, half-naked with your mixtape playing in the background…

Ju:   …with an apron, where you can see my bare ass, right?

Not that I would personally approve…

Ju:   (laughs)

(laughs)… but who knows. It will bring at least some clicks I guess.

Ju:   Well I don’t know. I have to let that go through my head.

Go head. Now seriously though: today was training. But only in pairs, with some distance to each other, so that we are following all the current rules right now. Maybe you can take us with you and explain how that works and if this is a small step forward?

Ju:   It definitely a step forward for me. It works like this: you will get assigned into a group of two. And they will appear at different times – and in different places. We have very big… how big is it? 15…

15 hectares, I think…

Ju:   …15 hectares terrain. And we have some extra space now, because the youth teams and the academy are completely shut down at the moment. So we are split up: in the youth building, in our building and we have an extra athletic tent. And we also have the footballnaut. They are all split up from each other. So that’s how the groups are split up then. In that way, we are able to get all pairs through the day. I was there at… I think 2:30pm with Tobi Raschl. We spent two hours there, and it’s definitely something different instead of doing exercises at home. But it’s absolutely better for you – for sure…

Because you need a certain pressure, when somebody is watching you? I mean it’s something different for me when I run as a hobby on my own or in a group.

Ju:   It’s a bit of everything. I mean honestly, sure: if you say I do some sport at home you do your schedule. You run. Perhaps you do some exercise… but in the end you finish after an hour or an hour and a half. Today we did a – actually more than two hour session and you have much more things you can do. I mean you have a huge pitch just for you. Sure you can do stuff with the ball. I mean I can’t do that at home here, I would shatter all glasses… and that’s also not fun at all (smiles)… So for us I would say it’s better than just being at home all the time trying to keep yourself fit.

Let’s play „make a wish“. In a situation like now where the entire country seems to be in a shutdown, with many people having fears about their livelihoods. Fears which you don’t have as football players, let’s be pretty blunt about that – but if you could play “make a wish” about your job situation, what would you wish?

Ju:   With my job situation!?

Yes. What’s your wish for next weeks ahead? How should everything continue?

Ju:   Well I can make a general assessment and I wish that everything stops very quickly. That everything goes back to normal. The baker can bake his breads; people don’t have the fear of losing their livelihoods. It’s something I would wish everybody. It’s not about my job – it about everyone‘s job. But sure, for us as football players – and I know I’m complaining on a very high level, I’m fully aware of that – but: we live for football. We’re not doing anything else. And sure we want to play again. I wish I would play in front of a full stadium again, sure! I think we have all accepted that this won’t happen anytime soon. I hope it will go forward – parallel to football. That generally people in our society can leave their flats and houses again – and return to their normal life which is something everybody is looking for right now.

How do you view your environment, your friends in this situation? How stressful is it for them right now?

Ju:   It’s actually okay. Many of my friends are students. So they’re doing a lot of video conferences right now. I saw that with my brother. It’s possible. Sure it’s different than sitting at Uni and learning there and you can’t go away – usually you get more distracted at home. Yet, I would say: the situation is easier for them at the moment. They can learn at home as well as at university. My brother can combine both – he studies in Cologne, yet he can also visit my family in Bremen. Or he has time to see my parents – or our parents. I mean they are also his parents (laughs)… I really don’t feel the current situation it with them. But sure, I know a lot of people who are car dealers for example. Or restaurant owners. That’s really something different with them, yes.

Now: it’s not like you decided to play golf or tennis – an individual sport, but a team sport instead. You are being forced now to work out individually though. What’s the sort of thing within the team you miss the most at the moment? I know, you can’t even get dressed together at the moment. Even after every session you have to take a shower at home – so everything that makes up team sports, even training together, is now gone. What do you miss the most?

Ju:   (thinks)…hmmm…. Yeah, what you miss the most is sure the chatter with the other guys, being among people, communicating. Everybody tries to stay at home. I live alone. I like to be alone – (smiles) – that is even an advantage for me! But sure – I don’t know, just a few weeks ago you could sit in a café – today you can be happy just to see six, seven or eight guys at training and chat with them. Those are things you miss after a while. And I’m quite sure, that’s how many other people are feeling at the moment, because they have to stay home. Yeah, but I’m just missing being among people, chatting, having an exchange… that’s something that revives a person. Especially for the elderly, for seniors. I mean it’s something fundamentally important, to talk with their grandkids – or children. I really have to say that’s something missing right now. But we are all in this together and you have to follow the rules.

Sure, I mean if I look at my three sons, they can play among each other and they have a garden they can play in, but there are also many people living in a three-person 60 square meter flat and can’t get out at all. And they are basically sitting on each other for such a long time now….

Ju:   …yeah definitely! Definitely!

A salary cut – a topic that came up a couple of days ago. I want to talk about this head on. How did you follow that topic and how did it all played out?

Ju:   We met on Monday last week, in two separate groups. So not as a whole team, but rather one group of German-speaking players and another group whose language is primarily English. 

At the media center of the stadium, right?

Ju:   Exactly. Not at the training center or the dressing room, but at the room where the press conferences usually are, because the room is much bigger. As well with a minimum-distance by the way… (smiles)

Oh really!?

Ju:   …we were all sitting apart from each other. So not next to each other. And so we were discussing different stuff. It was not about the salary-cut first. It was more about: how the current situation is, what is planned. We can’t really plan anything. We are still looking from Monday to Thursday… from Thursday to Monday. We don’t really have a real plan as well. We try to plan the week ahead as good as we can. Now we train in pairs until Thursday. We then have to look again after that… 

And if I can just jump in: I think the foreign-players also got a briefing about the medical situation in Germany. How many intensive care beds we have in comparison to other countries. Do you feel well accommodated? How does it look in your home countries? Has this also been a topic at your meeting?

Ju:   Well, I wasn’t there of course. But there has been medical information shared. This wasn’t so much of a topic with us, because we were already pretty much informed about. But sure, it’s important that our guys from Belgium, France or England are being told about the current situation. And… I mean you really honestly have to say: the medical standards here in Germany are very, very, very good compared to other countries in Europe. I think it’s important for our foreign players to know, because they got families and you can comfort them in a certain way. In the end, we – of course – talked about that topic „salary-cut” as well. Aki Watzke made the suggestion – and it was very clear for us that we would do this. That we will do this. In the end it’s easy: basically we players are there to help the club on the pitch. To score, to prevent goals, winning titles… but we are also there to help the club in general. And it’s the same now to help them financially in the same manner as it will be on the pitch in a couple of weeks or months, hopefully.  So in the end, we want to help in the best interests for the club. 

I can imagine the current situation is not very easy for a professional football player, from a communication standpoint. There are basically two paths: one is I donate. I give something to society and make that public. And then I look through the Instagram comments and most followers write stuff like „ohh well, that’s the amount of money he makes within 18 days or 20 days. Now he has to elevate himself into the public – does he really have to do that?“ The other path is: I donate. I support people who are in need right now, and keep it for myself. That’s something totally fine as well. But the danger is: because nobody talks about it, people say „Those millionaires! There aren’t doing anything!“ How do you classify that for yourself?

Ju:   (thinks)… hmmm….well we have in some way talked about it already. With me it’s more like – I prefer the second path. Let me be honest: I heard about the #wekickcorona which Leon Goretzka and Joshua Kimmich launched. He texted me and asked „hey are you interested in this? We will fully disclose about where the money goes to. Do you think it’s a great thing? So I wrote him after ten, fifteen seconds: „I’m in!”. That’s kind of a no-brainer for me in a certain way – like many people are demanding. However, I don’t have the feeling to be in every newspaper and make myself to some kind of hero because of it. That’s not who I am. I rather keep stuff like that to myself. Sure the fact I joined was made public by the „wekickcorona“-page – the amount of money was not mentioned. 

Yet you haven’t done anything over your channels…

Ju:   I put it into my stories for 24 hours. Because sure, it’s about generating more interest onto the page. You help the guys doing that. Yet I haven’t made great postings or announced „I’m in it with so and so much money“. It’s a thing with me, where I say: I have a good feeling for myself. Of course you will always have people, saying „I never read anything from you. You never post anything, therefore you don’t do anything and that’s why you are a guy who doesn’t show any solidarity with others and who doesn’t want to help others!” You will always have those people. And it’s okay for me. I’m totally at peace with myself. We just donated 2,5 million euros with the national team. And that’s not from the DFB bank account. It came from us players as well. Again, I don’t want to make this a bigger issue…

Well I have actively asked about it, you haven’t told me I should ask you about it, so…

Ju:   In the end, the fact that I do something is important for me. It’s generally important to do something! We just had that topic. If it’s about helping people who are helping other people. Or people…. The bakery, the best example… helping them. Or the barber, in order for them to continue their businesses. It’s important. But this sort of self-staging is nothing for me.

Let’s get back to football. You talked about the national team. There is an important tournament missing now. It’s hard isn’t it?

Ju:   Yeah… but it’s later now.

Doesn’t it make any difference?

Ju:   Whether we play this year or next year… I think it’s good; we have some sort of buffer for the league right now. And honestly that’s my personal opinion - everybody can have a different viewpoint: I think it’s important for us to finish the Bundesliga season! If possible! If the circumstances are right. If everything develops into a positive direction. Perhaps, if the local health agencies also approve everything – I would deem it as important to finish the Bundesliga season. Not because I want to play football again. But rather because it’s about keeping the league together! So that clubs can stay around. I think it’s important for people in general in Germany….

Perhaps a bit normality…?

Ju:   Definiately. But also that we won’t run into a situation with only eight Bundesliga teams – and other traditional clubs missing out because they haven’t survived. Of course, you have to assess everything carefully, of course, health is more important than football. But that’s why I say: if the local health authorities say „okay you can play football with empty stadiums“ I would think it’s important for us to have enough time in order to finish the season in May or June. That’s why I think postponing the EURO was the right decision.

Now as you probably have seen, there aren’t many employees here at the BVB offices. Everybody works from home now. So we asked some of them if they have any question for you. Of course, I would like to do that. Even if it’s just three or four questions. You can be seen on Instagram with a dog sometimes. Is it yours?

Ju:   It’s our… the dog… I mean it’s not MY dog (smiles)…she is with my family, yes. But it’s our family dog. Can you say that? A Family dog?

Family dog, yes. What race is the dog?

Ju:   A mix. A labrador-hovawart… very, very sweet! „Nala“ it’s a girl. Very, very sweet.

Good. What’s your favorite spot in Dortmund – apart from the stadium? Perhaps a spot you visit with your dog…

Ju:   I like the spot around Phoenix-See. 

I guess there are more people around that area doing sport than on our own training ground. 

Ju:   I haven’t been there too often yet. I was only there three or four times since I moved to Dortmund, seven, eight months ago. But if you know the history around the area and how they transformed a former steel mill into this nice area – it’s impressive. Having a café there is something I will look forward to.

Okay. Who among the guys do you miss the most right now? Now I’m curious to know whether you are still within in the Dortmund team or if you leap over to Leverkusen…

Ju:   (laughs)… ehmm… Can I do both. I mean I do sit next to Marco in the locker room. I mean, he was annoying – quite often (laughs).. it’s really something I missing sometimes I have to say.

Marco is annoying? How?

Ju:   Yeah, he is really a crackhead. We do and try to cheer each other up once in a while. There was this one situation which I really celebrated myself – even though I was the victim. I left my cellphone at the pitch one time, while I took a shower. And this idiot taped my cell phone onto my locker, switched the video on and left. So I my phone was filming all the time I was gone – for like 15 minutes… and it’s like total nonsense stuff all the time with him. It has no purpose. (smiles) Yet that moment was funny. And yeah… it’s something that is missing.

We had ritual at ice hockey in the past: whenever there is a new player on the team, the other teammates well how can I describe it – they basically peed into one of his shoes. 

Ju:   Well, okay those were the really hard times… (smiles)

You haven’t felt anything, and so you dove into your shoe and… it was just disgusting. Those were the times. Something like this doesn’t exist anymore, right? Like team rituals?

Ju:   If those existed, I wouldn’t tell you…. (laughs)

Aha, well you’re not as open as I thought (smiles)…

Ju:   Yeah, but sure there are a lot of guys I’m missing. Guys I want to see again. Sure there are some guys I haven’t seen for a while now in Leverkusen, a few friends in Bremen. One friend of mine is stuck in Munich right now. A guy from Bremen is stuck with his girlfriend in Munich (laughs)… he can’t leave. It’s sad.

So because you weren’t as open as I thought, you will get two heavy questions. 

Ju:   Okay.

Okay. Let‘s start: „We read that you are a great fan of musicals. The Lion King is one you like. Is that true? Why? And can you sing something for us?“

Ju:    First of all: that’s correct. And – it’s the most awesome musical out there! It’s the only one I have ever seen, but I’m pretty sure it’s the best musical of all. 

Favorite song?

Ju:   (thinks)… ehmm… 

I think, I only know „Hakuna Matata“…

Ju:   That’s awesome, right�� „Er lebt in dir“ I would say. But I won’t sing it. (smiles)

Aha okay…

Ju:   Because then I have to do like cool voices, since that’s what they also do in the musical and then I would look like an idiot.

Okay. Too bad. It wouldn’t have been bad.

Ju:   But… you have never been to a musical right?

Me? Well, I mean I have been to musicals, but not „Lion King“. 

Ju:   Well, then you have missed something huge in your life (smiles). Something REALLY BIG!

But I always have to watch the movies with my kids.

Ju:   Yes, but your kids… I’m telling you… they will jump in a triangle when they see this! 

Really? Okay…

Ju:   Yeah, there is even a new musical out now. Harry Potter. In Hamburg. It was supposed to open, but it’s canceled because of the virus. Unfortunately.

Oh well, you gave me some recommondations to go to, whenever everything is over. The second question: „You are one of very few football players, without any tattoos. Is that still the case?

Ju:   That’s still correct, yes. 

Why? And why still?

Ju:   Still? Well because I have no idea what the future will hold. Sometimes I have wild thoughts, but I haven’t planned anything yet. So I think it will stay like this. Why? It became sort of a „running-gag“ now here in Dortmund. Especially on Instagram with many people wanting to see me and Marco Reus next to each other in the summer. Because we aren’t really football players who look terribly tanned, in comparison to others.

Are you sort of the guy who goes on a vacation and after three days you are totally sunburned? 

Ju:   Yeah, I have a sun burn the first two days; then it peels of and then I really look like chocolate! (laughs)… or half-chocolate (laughs)… my skin always likes to peel off (smiles)… like really bad. I remember having a really bad day once. It happened during my time in Leverkusen. We had just qualified for the Champions League two games before the season ended. So we – let me guess – had four or five days off. So I looked to [Bernd] Leno and said: „What would you say, if we just go to Mallorca for two days!“ Just to lay in the sun, of course. We stayed close to the airport. So we caught a really early flight. We went to the hotel. Just like a small hotel, where you can sleep. We went to the beach – and I fell asleep – ON MY BACK!

(laughs) awesome… the „crab“ on your back!

Ju:   I tell you: you can’t imagine what was going on on with my feet! They were totally burned! I couldn’t get into shoes for three straight days. I was walking around Mallorca with bare feet. The problem was: at some point training started again! It hurt like hell when I was shooting! (smiles)

And the coach was…

Ju:   Roger Schmidt. Funny story: he was also on the same plane with us (laughs). So I had to go through the whole „peel-process“ again and everything was fine. 

How did we end up talking about this?

Ju:   I don’t know…. How did we end up talking about this?

I don’t know! David is sitting next to us. 

Ju:   Read the question again! 

[talks to David]

Ju:   Oh yeah… tattoos! Because I’m a bit like a „light-skin“. Well, my mom sits in my neck once in a while. It’s what I said it once or twice in newspapers already. 

Oh, and she says „No“!?

Ju:   She doesn’t say „No“, she says „You can do whatever you want“. But she thinks it’s shit. She says „Believe me, everybody gets a tattoo right now! In the future you will be the only one without a tattoo and you are something special then.

It’s absolutely innovative! I mean imagine: in 50 years from now you will end up in a seniors home and you are the only one without a tattoo! 

Ju:   Up until now there is nothing planned – independently from the question whether it would fit to me or not.

So that’s it I guess. Is there anything you’d like to tell us?

Ju:   No, but I really like chatting with you. But otherwise I would drive home, sit on a chair and stare against a wall. Is there something you like to add?

No. But I can give you grill tips.

Ju:   Yeah!?

Direct grilling, indirect grilling… pizza on grill…

Ju:   Awesome!

- END - 

[hawopro]

Ship Headcanons for BanHoji

otp rambling that got way too long (~1k) based on this post

First to confess their feelings: Ban

Hoji is too good at avoiding risks, he likes his life stable as it is, and would 10/10 talk himself out of the initial attraction to Ban. Confessing to Hoji is the only way for Ban to stop Hoji from ignoring the very-mutual interest, it’s like saying ‘Look at me, I’m here, I like you, you can’t run away now!’

First to apologize after a fight: Ban

He can’t stand being treated indifferently by Hoji. Ban likes their useless banters, likes having Hoji’s attention on him. Receiving Hoji’s professional stoned-face treatment, which is reserved for most of the auxiliary officers in base, is annoying. Like Ban isn’t special anymore. So anything but that.

First to wake up: Hoji

Six on the dot without any alarm. If they were up late the night before, he allows himself an extra hour until seven, when Ban’s alarm wakes everybody up except for Ban, whose internal clock is set to twenty before eight. Besides, waking up early means Hoji gets to watch Ban drooling onto the blanket to make fun of him later. 

First to fall asleep: Ban

He spends way too much energy bouncing around people during the day, indulging in various shenanigans with Tetsu and Umeko when there isn’t a case and arguing with Hoji about useless stuff. Yes, he crashes first, but only after wholeheartedly participating in other nighttime activity.

The affectionate one: Both

Ban likes to hang onto Hoji, draping his arm on Hoji’s shoulders, leaning on Hoji when he can because that’s a perfectly acceptable amount of touching in public. In private, he’s an octopus, can’t get rid of him. Hoji gives out hair ruffles and shoulder pats, but sometimes he forgets and does a little caress on Ban’s neck. The entire team notices.

The overprotective one: Both

Ban knows Hoji can fight his own battle, but his temper could handle only so much before he snaps and threatens to punch someone in the face for shit talking to Hoji. Hoji appreciates it in private; in public, he yanks on Ban’s collar and admonishes him for acting stupid while wearing a badge. Meanwhile Hoji was scared to death after Ban’s stunt with the meteor; he’s a little bit more vigilant with any danger coming Ban’s way despite knowing Ban can totally handle it.

The money savvy one: Hoji

Ban can’t exactly get his salary deposited while being undercover. When he gets back, there is a lot of money to be spent. He orders sushi delivery all the way to F.S. base, sends Hoji presents all the way to Earth--might have impulsively put down a deposit for a house before Hoji finds out and makes Ban stop splurging. Hoji manages the joint account when they move in together. He also coupons.

The more charismatic/popular one: Both

Hoji and his work ethics make him appear serious from outside views. He’s basically a perfect all-rounder Deka, so a lot of people admire him from afar (not knowing about him reverting to a five-year-old when it comes to fighting with Ban.) Ban is overly friendly, a whole puppy, able to get the most shy aux. officer to talk about her cats and Academy sweetheart. 

The better caregiver when the other is sick: Hoji

Hoji practically raises Miwa, he has to know everything about over-the-counter medicine and children’s sickness, and the ultimate way to make delicious porridge for a child who was picky. He still has how-to books back in the family house. Ban doesn’t get sick often, but Hoji totally has it under control when Ban does. 

Does the cooking: Hoji

Again, Miwa. So obviously he knows how to cook and has years of experience. He also (secretly) enjoys seeing Ban eating his food and gushing about how much he loves it. Ban eats canteen food before Hoji, knows how to perfectly recreate his mother’s old yakisoba recipe, but oversalts everything else.

Does the housework: Both

They both have busy schedules, whoever is free will do the laundry and stock up on groceries at the end of the week. Bathroom cleaning is twice a month, they’ll take turns. Deep house cleaning is done when they both have the same day off. They make a date out of it. Usually finishing in the afternoon, leaving enough time for fancy dinner and a mystery movie on the couch. 

Does most of the speaking: Ban

Ban speaks about everything and anything, telling Hoji about Murphy, his new F.S. teammates, and the food he manages to cook. Not much about mission because, well, classified. He’s constantly curious about Hoji’s days, has an opinion on almost everything. He’s low-key scared that if they run out of things to talk, Hoji will hang up. Hoji usually stays on the phone until Ban falls asleep without knowing.

Designated driver: Ban

Ban’s been behind the wheels since he was fifteen. Pat Striker is like an extension of his body. He can drive anything that has four or more wheels easy. Hoji prefers the motorcycle, and hasn't driven a car since he got Machine Husky and Pat Gyror. Well, by the time they move in together, SPD finally developed teleportation tech. But Ban drives on occasion. 

Has good penmanship: Hoji

Before the report system completely switches to digital, they have to write reports out by hand in pen and enter copies in the computer system. Hoji’s reports look like they were printed with Yu Gothic font eleven, consistently every time. Boss makes Ban redo his report once every two that he turns in because his handwriting is basically illegible. 

Has a troubled past: Ban

When he was thirteen, one of the cram school teachers pulled him out of class and told him his mother was dead; an Alienizer’s attack wiped out the entire neighborhood where he lived. His extended family was fighting about who should keep a daughter-in-law’s son. A Dekaranger, whose face Ban didn’t remember, attended the funeral and mentioned to Ban about SPD Academy.

Has more experience with relationship: Hoji

Ban got friendzoned by Zamuzan Maira. Hoji sort of got rejected by Vino back in their Academy days. Hoji almost got to third base with Mikean Teresa. It’s one to two, leaning toward Hoji. Ban is eager to learn new things though.

Keeps more secrets in the relationship: None

Being intergalactic-long-distanced married means they can’t afford secrets, but they do try to downplay injuries from the job to prevent worrying the other. Want to find out accurate status update? Contact Jasmine for Hoji’s, and Mari Gold for Ban’s.

Sensitive to subtle changes in their partner: Hoji

For all the smiles and the pouts that Ban wears clearly on his face, he’s very private with his pain and insecurities. Those he shoves down to somewhere in his chest and hopes by the time they come back up, he won’t be as affected anymore. Hoji doesn’t push the issue, but he lets Ban know that Ban doesn’t have to fake anything with him. 

The one who proposes: Hoji

It’s supposed to be a surprise for Christmas, but he impulsively does it in front of the team during overtime. Because what the heck, might as well because the ring is right here, and Ban sees it already. But then they both overthink, and cases/things happen, so Hoji has to do it again, private from the team, but very much in front of strangers, on one knee. 

The one who dies protecting their partner: Ban

Episode 43, please it’s canon. Seriously though, Ban’s body would move before he even thinks about how sad Hoji would be, about Hoji having to clean up the mess after and organizing services. Shame that he makes Hoji cry, but even as he lies in F.S. uniform soaking in a similar red, he wouldn’t say he regrets it.

[superbeitmenotyou]

administrator Mike Flanagan is no stranger to adapting Stephen king’s extra complex works. in spite of everything, his adaptation of “Gerald’s online game,” a narrative lengthy considered to be unfilmable, became positively received in.

however adapting baron’s account “doctor beddy-bye” in a means that did justice to each the writer’s novel “The shiny” and Stanley Kubrick’s basic movie adjustment — which significantly modified some key narrative facets — turned into a completely different beast. “It became painfully clear to me that I am not Stanley Kubrick and certainly not should be,” spoke of Flanagan ahead of the film’s Nov. eight huge unencumber. “What fabricated me able to beddy-bye at night turned into, as an alternative of considering it as a sequel, what if this was a descendant of the film? What if it had the DNA of its parents but nonetheless has to stand on its own two ft and locate away on the earth? That fabricated it sort of feasible.”

“doctor sleep” follows a grownup Dan Torrance Ewan McGregor, who has approved to coffin his disturbing boyhood event on the fail to spot in in a haze of booze and intercourse. but the previous catches as much as him back he stumbles upon a band dubbed the genuine bond, led via the ambitious Rose the Hat Rebecca Ferguson, who augment off the aspect of individuals with special capabilities, like Dan’s “colourful.” getting the approval and discussing affairs for the movie with the king become “completely surreal,” Flanagan talked about. “the first time I talked to him I couldn’t talk. I believe I simply fabricated noises or I’d repeat words he noted lower back with ascendancy.”

despite the fact king become amenable to the theory, Flanagan becomes involved about how the author would acquire the film as soon as it becomes accomplished.

“once he speaks of yes, he intentionally backs off,” Flanagan spoke of. “His whole element is, ‘The booklet is the ebook, I want this film to be yours. I don’t want to interfere with it.’ Which is such a good looking abandon? except for it ability, he’s going to monitor it. And as Kubrick found out, if he doesn’t like what you probably did, he is usually not shy. So even though he’s no longer there, you can form of at all times hear his voice for your ear.”

In an account with the Paris overview, king referred to as Kubrick’s movie “too bloodless” and referred to it had “no experience of affecting funding within the family unit in any way.” He also called Shelley Duvall’s performance as Wendy Torrance “in fact a scream computer” and noted he both hated and was dissatisfied by way of the movie normal. fortunately for Flanagan, the king spoke back enthusiastically to an aboriginal cut of his movie.

“I loved the thought of Mike authoritative the e-book into a film as a result of he’s a good cheat,” king advised The times by the use of email. “The epic clarity of his work is what impresses me. and of course, he receives what’s horrifying. The fabric that serves as a sequel to Kubrick’s movie suits my fable cuff-tight and Mike’s love for the characters shines via, pun meant. That offers this movie a warmness that’s missing in Kubrick’s film.”

Mike Flanagan directed “doctor sleep,” an adjustment of Stephen baron’s complies with-up to “The incandescent.”

Al Seib l. a. instances while baron’s accession to the film weighed closely on his intellect, the administrator’s decision to use Kubrick’s edition of “The intellectual” because the foundation for “medical professional sleep” became established presently upon reading the radical.

“I affective the e-book as soon because it becomes posted and cherished actuality with Dan Torrance once more, but all the pictures in my mind were Kubrick,” Flanagan observed. “I wanted to be certain that Kubrick’s film becomes assize. I didn’t believe we could trade anything, however, I wished to protect as much as viable of the arc of Danny Torrance as baron had described it, certainly within the aboriginal bisected of the publication.”

“The force to stand within the caliginosity of Kubrick and baron become really on Mike’s and my mind day by day,” talked about Trevor Macy, Flanagan’s longtime bearing associate. “We had been consistently involved and agonizing about doing the best thing by way of each of them.

“We approved to make use of some element of Kubrick’s accurate language to inform king’s tale,” he delivered. “many of the movies take place backyard the fail to see the resort, however you nonetheless must make it a visually adamant account. And so we attempt it in .eighty five-element ratio, which turned into Kubrick’s option that we may no longer accept fabricated otherwise. We weren’t attempting to do an actual knockoff, but we desired it to feel find it irresistible’s generic.” despite his contempt for Kubrick’s film, the king changed into receptive to the way “doctor beddy-bye” attenuated his atypical and Kubrick’s film whereas still blockage true to Dan’s epic.

“Mike serves both of us in an exquisite, artistic means,” he wrote. “Dick Hallorann remains animate in my ebook however dead in Kubrick’s version. Kubrick’s movie ends with the fail to see arctic while my e-book concluded with its activity up in flames. as soon as I saw he meant to provide the actual bond with their full due, I was on board. I just on no account expected Rebecca Ferguson to be so astounding.”

notwithstanding it doesn’t develop into a prime region unless the film’s third act, re-developing the fail to see resort turned into appropriately probably the most alarming and appetizing project of the total production.

“I wanted to get everything as close as humanly feasible in the fail to notice,” Flanagan stated. “To are trying to be certain that each allotment of visible accuracy become finished as shut as possible while retaining the humanism and optimism it is at the coronary heart of the king’s story.”

“It became a video game of inches and it turned into each day,” Macy talked about. “You go on set with an iPad like, ‘is this the appropriate colour? is this photograph in the appropriate vicinity? Is that chandelier the correct bore? What colour is the typewriter?’ These questions are really difficult to reply and so we spent loads of time wrestling with the trivia of that.”

“What I am hoping lovers of ‘The incandescent’ film lift out of it is that here s clearly made via a fan and supposed to be a abounding-absolute celebration of the adulation that so many people accept for that film,” Flanagan mentioned. “however at the same time certainly not making an attempt to be that film.”

Ewan McGregor as Danny Torrance in “medical professional beddy-bye.” Jessica Miglio Warner Bros. Flanagan turned into added to baron’s work at the soft age of back he stumbled across a replica of “It.”

“I used to be approach too young,” he said. “I didn’t recognize what I had gotten myself into.”

still, he powered via it, decided to discover the fate of the Losers membership.

“It turned into this huge ability in my young lifestyles, making it to the conclusion of that e-book,” he observed. “I had a hard time sound asleep for a very long time after, but I believed, ‘well, this e-book kind of taught me how to be brave in these tiny little bursts. Let me keep hunting for that feeling.’”

The director, whose movie credit include ’s “Oculus” and ’s “Ouija: the beginning of injurious,” in addition to each episode of Netflix’s “The haunting of acropolis apartment,” cites king as his biggest effect on.

“What I like about what he does is that even his best absurd ideas are built-in out of issues which are very relatable,” Flanagan talked about. “‘The sparkling’ works as an excellent scary sage a few apparitions within the bathtub, but it surely works alike better as an exploration of the anxiety that Jack felt about how his alcoholism destroyed his family.”

“horror is fun,” he introduced. “It’s a superb manner for us to soundly discover dark ideas; it’s a stupendous manner for us to observe actuality brave however more than anything else, it best in reality capability whatever if it’s dealing with some affecting truth. anything that we will all relate to about the darker or brighter side of our attributes.”

“I suppose style is most excellent acclimated back it’s a lens for human drama,” Macy noted. “The classic conception a couple of horror movie is you are taking someone in an existence transition and exhaust an abnormal force as a proxy for something that might be disturbing or transformative in a person’s lifestyles. ‘The knowing’ is the head of that for instance.”

whereas he has a d division of “The addictive” anthology on tap for Netflix this time known as “The addictive of Bly manor” and inspired by using Henry James’ “The Turn of the spiral”, Flanagan can tackle a different baron adaptation. “I’ve been talking with him for the reason that this was entirely about deciding on what’s next,” he referred to. “We’re still identifying what might be the next one, but I am hoping there could be the next one as a result of I will be able to stop. I am hoping it’s less difficult, notwithstanding.”

[writingstufff1]

Drunk Club Part Three

Scott Reed x Reader

A/n: This is the last part unfortunately, I hope you all enjoyed! If anyone has advice please feel free to send it in x

Word Count: 1480

They had finally reached the end of what had proved to be a very difficult year. Everyone was excited about summer and there was an end of year party planned on the football field. Y/n was happy to get a chance to hang out with Sheri and Jess. They had both withdrawn from the group this year after quitting cheer. Y/n had missed them a lot and both girls had promised they would have a reunion and get ready for the party together.

Finally, at nearly half six the two girls arrived with their overnight bags. Y/n was a bit nervous as she wasn’t sure whether it was going to feel the same as it used to. When she answered the door all her nerves melted away, the two of them were holding up a bunch of snacks.

“You guys are such dorks honestly,” she said rolling her eyes.

“You love us though” Sheri grinned.

Y/n laughed and led the girls upstairs. The girls were going with simple outfits this time with Y/n opting for light wash jeans, a white blouse, and a black bralette. Sheri opted for shorts and a crop top and Sheri wore a skater dress. Y/n did dark eye makeup and a high ponytail. They left aiming to get there for half eight.

“Are you going to talk to Scott?” Jess asked gently.

“I don’t think so Jess he hasn’t spoken to me all year and he dropped Biology” Y/n sighed.

“Not to worry Y/n us girls will have so much fun” Sheri announced linking arms with the two girls.

The girls made a beeline straight for the drinks but Y/n didn’t feel like having one. She went and sat beside Zach who was sitting by himself staring into space.

“Zach why do you look so down?” she teased him.

“Katie just told me she doesn’t want me anymore” he wailed.

“That’s just the alcohol talking” Y/n laughed. “I guarantee you two will be back together tomorrow Zach,” she said leaning against his shoulder.

They sat like that for a while. Y/n nodded at the appropriate places as Zach recounted his entire relationship to her. She looked around at all the people at the party. She may not have looked it but she was enjoying her chat with Zach. He was making her feel a lot better about her love life which she told him with a playful nudge. All her thoughts stopped when she saw him though. He was leaning against a wall laughing with Justin Foley. He was wearing his letterman jacket as always but Y/n thought he had never looked hotter.

“He keeps asking about you Y/n,” Zach said cutting through her thoughts.

“Who?” she asked playing dumb.

“Don’t play dumb Y/n I know you’re looking at Scott. I will never understand why you two won’t get it together” he observed.

Y/n started to reply but Sheri interrupted her telling her that they had to go rescue Jess from singing on the table. They pulled her down with no problem despite her protests. Y/n took her to get water while Sheri took over Zach duty. They sat there for a while and Jess was rummaging through her purse for snacks. Finding none she lay down in Y/n’s lap.

“What’s up with you? You’ve been biting your nails all night.” Jess asked looking at her with eyes full of curiosity.

“I guess I’m tired,” Y/n said looking down.

“Well you better perk up quick, he’s coming over” she replied, jumping up energetically. “I’m going to find the other two”

There wasn’t even enough time for Y/n to panic before he sat down. He stretched out on the grass beside her leaning one elbow on the ground.

“Long time no see,” Scott said looking at her pointedly.

“Hey Scott” she replied, making a point of examining her nails.

“Can we go somewhere to talk?” he asked quietly.

Y/n stood up and brushed the grass from her jeans. “Scott you can’t just talk to me out of nowhere and expect everything to be the same,” she told him and started to walk away.

He jumped up quickly and grabbed her wrist. “Y/n wait I want to apologise. Please, it’ll only be a few minutes” he begged her.

Y/n nodded and they walked into the open school to find an empty classroom. Y/n sat down on the teacher's desk and drummed her fingers against the table impatiently. After what seemed like an age Scott finally spoke.

“It’s been really nice to get to you this year. I distanced myself from you after Jeff because you reminded me of him and I really am sorry” he said with a wince.

“Oh Scott, I miss him too,” she said looking at him.

They spent a few minutes talking about how much they missed Jeff and Scott sat on the table beside her. Scott shifted closer as he told a story about him and Jeff having to break into his house. Y/n laughed and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“You have so many weird stories, Scott,” she said laughing.

He smiled at her. “I like your outfit, by the way, you look beautiful,” he told her tilting her chin towards him.

“That’s sweet” Y/n replied blushing and looking down.

He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “I wish I had met you a long time ago Y/n” he whispered softly.

She looked back up at him. He leaned closer and she could smell the shampoo he had used that morning and the faint smell of beer. Their lips touched, softly at first but then the two melted into each other. Y/n put her hands to the back of his neck and pulled him closer. His tongue traced her bottom lip and he moved his hands to her hips. Everywhere he touched felt as though it was on fire. She moved to get on his lap and when they broke apart both of them were breathing heavily.

She placed her lips on his again and they both struggled to take off his jacket without looking. She tugged on the bottom of his shirt and he pulled away to take it off. Their lips crashed together again with more urgency and he pulled her onto the table. Y/n was just thinking that life couldn’t get any better when the door crashed open. Monty was standing there with a giggling blonde.

“Oh sorry Scotty didn’t know you were in here, see you later Y/n,” he said and shut the door quickly.

Y/n could still hear them laughing in the hall. She stood up quickly and picked up her purse which had fallen on the floor during the moment.

“This was a mistake Scott, you’re drunk,” she said in a rushed tone. “I’m sorry”

She fled the room ignoring Scott protesting behind her. She stood in the middle of the field looking for Sheri and Jess. Luckily Sheri spotted her and came to see what was wrong. Y/n just told her she needed to go home. They got Jess and walked back to Y/n’s house without question. They took her up the stairs where she promptly burst into tears. They comforted her and assured her that they would support her no matter what she decided to do.

The next day Y/n felt more refreshed and better about the whole situation. She had decided that she was going to give boys a break for the summer. That is until she got a text or several texts to be exact. He was begging her to talk to him. She read them all in the notification bar and ignored them. She decided that she was going to binge watch some Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

After four episodes she was getting up to make some lunch when the doorbell rang. She walked out laughing expecting to see Jess or Sheri saying they forgot something. She opened the door to see a pair of blue eyes staring at her.

“What are you doing here Scott?” she asked coldly.

“I brought ice cream as a peace offering,” he said holding up a tub. “I just wanna talk”

“I don’t really want to,” Y/n said starting to close the door.

“Please” he pleaded, putting his hand against the door.

Y/n took pity and stepped aside so he could come in. She brought him to the kitchen and they both sat down.

“I meant what I said last night,” he said. “I really like you Y/n I want to see where this goes and I have for a while but I am an idiot about feelings,” he told her laughing.

She didn’t answer for a minute just studying his face. He reached out his hand and touched her hand.

“Well I guess we better get started on that ice cream,” she said with a smile.

[shiranai-atsune]

VLD Rant... and Goodbye Letter

I have been going around tumblr recently and I have noticed that a lot of fans have written a goodbye/thank you letter to VLD, which is hours from its final season airing, and I've thought about joining in ‘ya know, jump into the bandwagon with my fellow emotional hardcore fans and decided to write a letter of my own. A rant/goodbye/closure letter.

Okay, okay, I'm totally gonna be real here. I'm actually typing this under... emotional duress (???) so, please don't judge me; I just need to let this all out...

And I've had this for a while, saving it all up until the day before THE day. You know, just wanted to get it all out all at once

I wish Voltron had more episodes. Eight seasons should be released a year separately with 24-26 episodes released weekly per season. Eight seasons. One season a year. Plus OVAs.

I'm also wishing for a VLD movie. I know this is too much to ask but the show is so good I wanted it to last for a loooong time.

Voltron had so many plots just rushed! And potential developments and exploring more of the universe lore!

Plus, I'm not sure, with all the plot devices and plotlines they've put, would everything fit in just 78 episodes.

Sometimes, I feel like it isn't enough, that we're not getting enough. Maybe it's the pacing or the lack of episodes showing what's going on with the rest of universe.

I mean, what of the Galra? They don't exactly have a home planet so how are their lifestyles, besides military? Like, what about the children? Where do they exactly live? etc. (a lot of things confuse me, like the age gap... I mean, Lotor’s over 10K decaphoebes old and his nanny is still alive... his nanny who knew him as a child...)

Really. I wanna be honest to myself here. If VLD had that many storylines, they should've had arcs for it. Not cramp each storyline into one episode! Alternate reality, plot devices, etc. I’m just not making sense here...

This sorta feels like Star Wars. The movies weren't exactly enough so they made spin-off tv shows... which I hope VLD will have... one day... that isn’t horrible or will ruin the franchise.

Oh well... I suppose I can still dive into the fandom and keep on requesting... I mean, at least I’m not alone here, I’ve got fellow fans who knows this feeling...

One more thing I've got to confess, I WANT FEM!LANCE TO HAVE HAPPENED TO BADLY!!! No offense but I wish Lance was the one genderswapped to female, not Pidge; though I wouldn't mind alongside Pidge.

If Klance becomes canon and Fem!Lance becomes more popular and gets more art/fics, my Space Rangers all survive and live happily ever after I can accept this as peacefully and as calm and content (still cry on the inside) as I can.

BTW, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING VLD! THE ENTIRE CHARACTERS, CAST, AND CREW, @thebestlaurenmontgomery, (and whatever the tumblrs of the other cast and crew members are...) EVERYONE WHO WORKED THEIR HARD BUTTS FOR THIS! I’ve had my complaints, but I could not ask for a better show. I know it felt like a short time... but it was a fun run while it lasted!!!

Setting aside my ranting above, I just want to say that while it felt like a short time, Voltron has given me so much... great relatable characters, happy smiles and sad tears, the journey of a lifetime, so, so many wonderful moments that I wish could go on forever...

Even though, I spent less than a year with them... I’ve felt like I’ve bonded with them for just so long... I love them all to the bottom of my heart dearly, and now just seeing them go... hurts. A feeling I haven’t felt for a long time. They may just be cartoon characters to some people, but to me, they felt real, I want them to be real, because I want to join them... heck, I would take a shot for them if we were fighting the Galra. ...so, so many characters I wish I could hang out with much longer... There’s just so much... such a big universe with so many people...

Argh, I’m just so bad with words... but I hope you all get what I’m trying to say...

The show has made such an impact on me...I’ve met so many awesome people, I’ve had the chance to support so many amazing content creators, I’ve read and seen so many artwork and fanfics... I’m gonna miss this show BAD. I’m gonna miss my favorite Paladins, so so much.

I love being a part of this fandom. And no matter how much it hurts, I do not regret it.

(Even after the show if over, I’m never gonna stop shipping Klance, so KICK me until the day I die!!!)

I just wish there was more... that I could’ve joined right from the beginning... I joined way too late, like, MANY seasons way too late. I missed out on a lot...

I mean, really, like A LOT. The feeling of waiting, anticipation, guessing, etc.

The best I can do is just savor every moment I have the best I can... (Quiznack, writing this is making my heart ache).

I’m just hoping Voltron actually exists in real life...

Now if you excuse me *sniffs* I need to go grab a lot of boxes of tissues... *cue waterfall tears*

On another note, I've noticed that a lot of people have problems with the Lion swap...???

Okay, go easy on me on the comments.

Oh, and one last thing... It’s been an honor flying with you all...

And now my heart just broke. (I must now emotionally, mentally, and spiritually prepare myself)

...

QUIZNACKIT. OH WHO AM I KIDDING?!?!?!?!?! I AM NOT READY. I DON’T THINK I EVER WILL BE! I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS. I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS!!! WAAAHHHHHH!!!  TT-TT

[rkmg]

〈★〉MGAS SEASON 4 - EPISODE EIGHT - TEAM PERFORMANCE                     ↳ team: rising star ( #4003, #4024, #4028, #4037, #4049 )                                ↳ song: “fxxk it” by bigbang bigstar - line distribution

Getting here was hard. He’s sure that statement doesn’t only apply to him, but for every single contestant still remaining on this show. They’ve all had to have worked their asses off, otherwise, they wouldn’t be here today. That’s definitely not insinuating that those that were eliminated didn’t work their asses off, however; some were luckier than others.

He’s forced himself to stop counting his losses. After nearly completely dropping out of the competition (he was a hair away from doing it... so close to quitting that he could practically taste failure on his tongue), he realized that something about his mindset was in dire need of changing. If he didn’t gather his thoughts and stop looking at every single downside instead of what he’s been given, this wasn’t going to work out. After all, he was still here. That’s more than most people that started on this show can say. He’s lucky; he’s grateful for this. He just wished that he wasn’t so insecure. Maybe if he viewed himself with a higher regard, ranking low every week wouldn’t get to him as badly as it did.

If he was truly not talented and not deserving of being here, then he wouldn’t be. Simple.

Let’s rewind back to the event that nearly pushed him to throw in the towel; it was another week where your rank from the previous round determined whether you’d get your pick of song. Before, he’d been lucky. There were few rappers left so he was practically guaranteed to land a spot in the song that he desired most. Now, there were even less rappers since both of his teammates had been eliminated (disregarding the fact that one of them wasn’t even a rapper, he just had very little choice about performing with them). Perhaps it wasn’t his fault, exactly. If it’d been those that had been dropped from the MGAs’ fault that he scored so terribly, then it made little sense to him. It was their fault, but now they’re gone and he has to suffer the consequences? It didn’t seem right. He’d much rather those in charge rank each contestant individually so things like this didn’t happen.

Now, he had the song that he wanted to do in mind, but he had very little hope that he would get it. And then... of course, obviously, he didn’t. MYNAME was one of his absolute ult groups and it would have meant the world to him if he’d had been able to perform it. He’d had the opportunity to learn dancing from Jun.Q when he participated in the NOVA dance classes. Mingyu just imagines how wonderful it would have been to be able to dance onstage to one of his songs, knowing that he was only doing so well because he’d had some help from him— his idol. It would have been an incredible moment, though it wasn’t one he was meant to live out.

Then, later, he found out that Won did manage to secure a place in performing it. After that, all he can imagine is how wonderful it would have been to finally be on stage with him. He’s happy to see his boyfriend doing so well on the show, that’s incredibly clear. He values him way more than he values himself, after all. Still, now he has this feeling in his chest and this voice in his head that is telling him that he would only hold the other back. He wishes he could feel like he was succeeding, too. He doesn’t want to be better than Won; to him, that isn’t even possible. He just desperately wants to feel like he truly deserves to stand next to him and for them to both achieve this dream together.

But, you know, his team wasn’t as bad as he convinced himself they’d be. He was bitter at first and didn’t want to open his eyes and accept his current place, though once he did, he felt rather content. Everyone was friendly enough and they all were able to joke together and bond to an extent. Weirdly enough, despite as long as he’s been on this show, he was meeting new faces every week. Well, they weren’t exactly new since he recognized them well enough, though he’d never actually been given the chance to get to know them up until now.

Mostly, he bonded the best with Taehyung. Very quickly did he warm to the other boy and he stuck to him like glue. He was friendly and bright, which was absolutely something that Mingyu needed to have in his life right now. The two of them even went shopping for coats together, which was a fun experience. Lately, he hasn’t had many chances to be normal and playful like he had been in the past, so it was a breath of fresh air when he was posing in ridiculous and dramatic outfits for pictures snapped by the other boy, laughing cheerfully once he no longer had to hold his position. They were instructed by Soojin to not wear anything that was a fashion crime, though they seemed to have differing opinions about what classified as such.

Practicing wasn’t as intense as he wanted it to be. This, once again, just made him think about how much he would have enjoyed performing ‘Tell Me’. There wasn’t much choreography in a song such as this one so he wasn’t going to be needing to practice much dancing. Rapping was already easy for him, and he wasn’t even tasked with writing his own lines or anything, so there wasn’t a lot for him to do this week. It was a lot more boring than some of his previous weeks, though he supposed he should enjoy this sort of free time. Especially considering he wouldn’t be given as many opportunities such as this one once he was actually signed to a company.

Relaxing wasn’t entirely easy, though. He had too many things on his mind to feel completely calm and he hated being by himself. He would try to cling to Taehyung during these moments, hoping that he would provide him with company and a proper distraction.

The week went by a lot slower than he hoped it would, so he was very happy once Friday rolled around. He was going to be participating in the hi touch after this performance, which both excited and disappointed him. His disappointment wasn’t intense, however. He was just nervous about waiting so long for the eliminations since he was extremely worried and nervous about the results. Just knowing that it would drag out for a while gave him a bit of anxiety, though he tried to push it away. In the end, meeting people who were excited to see him would be a wonderful experience. He didn’t know it just yet, but it was going to free him of many of his worries.

Once finally on stage, Mingyu introduced himself to the crowd and then braced himself for the performance.

난 씩씩하게 말을 걸어 넌 저기 시시한 여자와는 달리 틱틱 거려 칙칙하던 분위기에 한 줄기 빛 설렘 정도가 지나쳐 마치 사춘기

The lines weren’t too challenging, so he managed to complete his first verse with ease. Honestly, at this point, he was counting his blessings. He was thankful for what he was given. It’s never good to be discontent with your life when things aren’t even bad. He felt glad that he was here, performing on stage with the other survivors of the show. Also, he had a lot more lines than he would have if he was given his original choice. This was a good thing, he now thought. He wasn’t getting to perform with Won, but he had faith that he was going to debut with him. Then, they’d always get to perform together. This was just a small sacrifice for a huge win.

에라 모르겠다 에라 모르겠다

He would dance a little, or at least ensure that he didn’t look like as stiff as a statue onstage as the performance went on. He made sure that he was smiling and appearing carefree and confident. When he was onstage, that kind of thing never felt like a lie. After all, this is still where he felt comfortable. The nineteen-year-old always felt like he was in his element here.

뒤처리를 못해 피눈물 없는 로맨스 장단 없는 game 너는 오락가락하고 멜로디가 다른 알토와 소프라노 어차피 우리는 끊어질 거야 딱 잘라 말할게 타락해버린 꿈에 Eldorado

As he executed his second long verse, he made sure that he did so perfectly and effortlessly. Just looking out at the crowd and examining all of the eyes glued to him felt exhilarating. His heart rate picked up as the adrenaline pumped through his veins, eyes sparkling with determination and awe.

에라 모르겠다

The majority of his lines were over but the stage wasn’t finished just yet. He did his best to hype up the rest of his group as they did their lines, continuing to smile and move about in a way that didn’t make him appear as though he was made of stone, though he also didn’t want to look like his limbs were crafted from noodles (despite what Yerim seems to believe).

에라 모르겠다 I Love y’all 에라 모르겠다 에라 모르겠다

With each week spent on the MGAs, the easier this seemed to become. He briefly found himself wondering if this is what it felt like for idols. Did they get used to this kind of attention and schedule over time? Or, did they only get used to it for a while, before it begins to feel draining and tiring? He wouldn’t know until he was in that position... or until he has the opportunity to ask one for himself, though he doesn’t feel like they would answer truthfully either way.

Girl I wanna get down Girl I wanna get down

He was going back and forth with this line as the song began nearing an end. In just a little while he would be touching hands with those that wanted to meet him, then he would find out where he stood tonight. It was an intimidating and scary thought, but he couldn’t let it distract him until after this was completely finished and he was standing offstage somewhere.

에라 모르겠다 I Love y’all

And then, not long after, the music stopped. He stood there, chest once again rising and falling faster than usual, though also not as harshly as it would have been if he’d been exerting more of his energy into dancing. He felt pleased with their performance, hoping that it would be enough to get him to a rank that was higher than he’d placed before. If it didn’t, though, he wouldn’t let it get to him. As long as he survives tonight, he will feel grateful.

Mingyu really wants to be here; he really wants to succeed. He realizes that now.

[hq-cuties-pls]

Can I request Asahi Azumane and Kuroo Tetsurou scenarios (separate) in which they get to know their s/o through the internet chat? After a loooong time they decided to meet and see how their relationship would develop irl. They didn't send a single pic to each other so this first meeting... Can be interesting. (Bonus: S/o is vv shy and a little bit scared of touch but didn't told them about it.)

I used Recovery of an MMO Junkie as a huge influence on these. I loved writing them, though! They were super fun!! Enjoy~Admin Emma

Asahi

Breaking his leg was by far the dumbest thing Asahi had ever done. He would regret getting that damn motorcycle until the day he died, especially where a mild crash with it resulted in him being totally hung up in bed for at least six weeks, possibly more. He spent a solid day and a half after getting out of the hospital pouting. He was bored, damn it, and he could only handle so much of Daichi and Suga’s company before they either had to leave or he was ready to bodily throw them out, broken bones be damned. If Suga made one more Evel Knievel reference, Asahi might have to forget he was a nice person.

After he pouted, he got to work on his homework and his studies. His time in the hospital put him a bit behind schedule, and this way he could get caught up and then some. Maybe even get ahead, or do some extra credit. It really seemed to work out perfectly; he was a slow studier, and his mild attention issues often got the better of him, so it could be a great way to kill a lot of time.

Except that he lasted about four days before his brain felt fried and he just couldn’t take it anymore.

After getting caught up on his reading, watching as many trashy dramas on Netflix that he could handle (it wasn’t many), checking out that anime Suga’s… person kept recommending (he made it to episode three), and killing a few pages in his sketchbook, he hadn’t managed to make time go any faster. He was still hung up in bed. He could get up to go to the bathroom and that was about it. He was ready to climb the walls, or maybe just crawl out of his own skin.

About two weeks into his sentence, Daichi recommended an MMO he’d been playing with his girlfriend. It had really appealing character designs and a high skill floor, so it seemed the perfect solution. He made his character as pretty and bishonen-esque as he could just for shits and giggles… the farthest thing from himself that he could. He named his character Vaughn because he’d watched most of Vision of Escaflowne while he’d waited for the game to install and he was obsessed. He took up the starting quest and started exploring.

Within an hour, he had a chat notification pop up.

Nina: Hi there! Are you trying the Devil Dungeon Event?

Asahi was skeptical at first, because he didn’t see which avatar had pinged him, but then he saw someone doing some sort of pre-animated wave emote. He waved back before responding.

Vaughn: Yeah, I was thinking about it. Still have to grind, though.

Nina: Actually, our tank sort of bailed on us. My group could run you to 20 really fast and then we could do it together.

Asahi was still skeptical–he’d heard about scams like these–but he really did want to try the event, and on his own it would definitely end before he could even attempt it. He figured he’d just bail as soon as they started asking for personal information or money or something.

Needless to say, things went a lot quicker with three higher-level characters helping him out and outfitting him. He was invited into their group chat and he learned they were especially funny, but Nina-san was very nice. She seemed to just keep the group together, seeing as the two DPS players were ridiculous humans. They played and grinded through levels and chatted until Asahi looked up and he’d been playing for eight hours. They’d done the dungeon twice and walked away with several loot boxes he couldn’t wait to open.

Nina: Goodness, I didn’t realize it was so late. Thanks for helping us out, Vaughn-san.

Vaughn: Don’t mention it. It was fun.

Nina: Would you like to game with us again sometime? You’re really good. Is this your first character?

Vaughn: In this game, yeah.

Nina: That’s surprising! But the guild is taking part in a raid tomorrow night after we all get off work and school and stuff. What time’s good for you?

Asahi scowled, though not at Nina. He’d just started to forget that he was literally stuck in bed.

Vaughn: Aahh… I’m sort of free whenever. I can’t get out of bed for another month or so.

Nina: OMG are you sick!?

Vaughn: Broken leg. Crashed my motorcycle.

There was such a long pause–so long, Asahi was afraid Nina had disconnected–but she came back eventually.

Nina: That’s so cool! Well, the motorcycle thing… not the broken leg thing.

Vaughn: I appreciate that.

Nina: Anyway, we’re hoping to get started no later than 7:00 or so, so DM me whenever you log on, kay?

With that, she was gone. Asahi should have been tired, given how late it was, but he was strangely exhilarated. Despite the fact he’d just spoken to her in snippets about the game and they’d each given perfunctory details about their lives, he felt connected to Nina in a way. Maybe it was the barrier of the screen… that he could talk to her. He’d never been able to talk to girls like this in real life.

Assuming Nina is a girl. She could be anyone. She could be Daichi for all you know!

Asahi shook his head to banish his intrusive (if sensible) thoughts. He snapped his laptop closed, not bothering to shut it down. He couldn’t get to sleep–he was too giddy–and he had trouble pinning down why.

Over the course of the next few weeks–between doctor’s’ appointments, PT and slowly-but-surely returning to classes and eventually, practices–he kept logging on every day to play at least a quest or two with his guild, but mostly to talk to Nina. She (and he was convinced she was a she) seemed to like talking to him. Sometimes, after the entire guild logged out and it was late and they didn’t have any more quests to do, they’d just go to a private area and talk about nothing. He learned all about her, and she learned all about him. She was ecstatic when she found out they lived close enough to each other.

After a long time, he finally figured out why it was so hard to say goodnight every night; he was in love. It wasn’t long after he made this realization that Nina and him had… the conversation.

Nina: So, you’ve been logging on a lot less lately. I take it your doctors are letting you back out there?

Vaughn: Yeah, I’m mostly free. Doctor Nishimi isn’t thrilled that I’m back at practice, but I don’t have much of a choice. I’m on scholarship and my leave of absence has already been extended.

Nina: You can’t overdo it! If you hurt yourself even worse, you won’t be able to play at all!

Vaughn: Don’t worry, one of my teammates had a friend with a bad knee back in high school. He’s making sure I take it easy.

Nina: Look, I know we’re both busy and all, but… Vaughn I think I might… could we meet sometime? Soon?

Asahi froze. Hadn’t he wanted this to happen? Wasn’t this end game? Or… well, would it be weird? There was a distinct possibility–the only thing he knew for sure about Nina was her love of this game (and any loot box that guaranteed something extra pink and extra adorable). But that wasn’t it… and he knew it.

He knew that if he met her, she’d have to see him. In all his 188 cm glory, with his fucking man-bun (which he still hadn’t gotten rid of, for some reason) and goatee and too-wide shoulders and his scary face… and she’d reject him. And he didn’t want Nina–his Nina–to reject him. Not when it was so good.

Despite all his fears and trepidations, though, he did want to meet her. He wanted to see Nina for real. And go on a date and buy her coffee and call her by her real name. So he agreed to meet on their next day off.

Which was the next day.

~~~

He was looking for a pink cardigan, which sounded just… too cute. He shouldn’t have been surprised, given Nina’s enthusiasm for all things cute and pink in the game. He swallowed hard, debating if he should get decaf today so as to not act completely spastic when he finally met her. He tugged on his wine-colored sweater, trying to not put too much pressure on his left leg, and waited. He didn’t want to be too overt scanning the crowd, in case Nina was there and thought he was a molester or something. Then he’d go to jail and Nina would think he stood her up, which just… wouldn’t be good.

“Um.. excuse me.”

Your small voice at his elbow nearly made him jump, but it was worth the fright, because you were wearing a pink cardigan. His eyes widened at the bright smile. You were so cute!

“N-nina?”

You grinned even wider, a precious pink blush across the tops of your cheeks; “Actually, my name is ____. You must be Vaughn, then.”

“Asahi,” he corrected. “Azumane Asahi.”

“Well, then, Azumane Asahi, should we get a table? This place has amazing crepes, and their coffee is actually really good given the price.”

He smiled, a bubble of pressure releasing from his chest. He followed you to a shaded table under the kitschy awning, ready to get to know you for real.

Kuroo

Kuroo had a dilemma. A quandary, if you would. A predicament. It was the shittiest predicament ever, and he was pretty sure that if he brought up his predicament to Yaku he’d get his balls ripped off for being “ungrateful” but it really wasn’t that simple. See, his dilemma was just this; he liked two people.

Now, to people who’ve never gone through such a trial, it wouldn’t be so bad. Liking two people and all. And some people could take advantage of the fact, especially given how young he was and how prevalent casual dating was. But people weren’t Kuroo. People weren’t the serial monogamist who looked like some sort of casual-sex God (apparently… Kuroo still found that high school reputation highly unsettling) but was in reality a giant cuddle spoon full of shmoop and love.

The other problem was he didn’t exactly know the other person he knew. He gamed with them from time to time, when he got a free hour or so, but they communicated mostly via Skype’s chat function. He’d never even seen their picture. He didn’t even know their real name. But they were an awesome person–they put up with his sense of humor, they could keep up with him, they didn’t seem to mind listening to him pour his anxieties all over them at 2:30 in the morning when school was hard and grad school applications were piling up and what the fuck even is a statement of purpose? And they just… listened. And it felt so nice to just be heard.

And then… well, and then there was you. He didn’t have quite as intimate of a relationship with you as he did with his online friend, but he still liked you. You and him had similar classes, similar taste in music and movies, even similar senses of humor. There were times when he’d tell his online friend a joke only for you to nearly parrot it at him the very next time you saw each other. Most of all, though, you were sweet and caring and beautiful… and for that matter real. Like, he knew you were real. And that was the problem.

His online friend had never seen him, so they got to know him separately of his reputation and his appearance. He could really be himself, whereas sometimes with others–even you–he always felt like he was putting up a front. It wasn’t any fault of yours, it was just an old habit that was hard to break. It was hard showing everything to someone and having them reject it… he knew from experience.

He didn’t know what to do about any of this, but he knew that if it was keeping him up at night he should probably solve it soon. The problem was that there were three people he typically went to when it came to this sort of thing, except Bokuto was at this hyper-intense training camp with the rest of the National team hopefuls, Kenma was caught between research for his undergrad thesis and applications to grad school, and, well… the other person was Nao-chan��

He huffed under his breath, opening his laptop and tapping it impatiently to get it to load faster. He pulled up Skype; Nao-chan’s icon had the little yellow bubble next to their name that showed they were away. Kuroo decided to message them anyway and hope they’d get back to him when they got back.

Kuro-kun: I have a conundrum. Can you talk?

Kuroo smirked at his own name. It was his handle in the game he played with Nao-chan. It wasn’t exactly creative, but too much of his mental energy went to school and maintaining his volleyball scholarship to come up with fancy names for his MMO characters. He went to get his bag to maybe work on some studies, thinking that Nao-chan probably wouldn’t be at their computer for a long time.

Instead, the little indicator lit up with a new message.

Nao-chan: Sure thing, Kuro-kun. The doctor is in. Tell  me about your mother.

Kuroo laughed; Nao-chan could always get him to laugh. They were a lot like you that way.

Kuro-kun: Very funny, Doctor. It’s stupid, but… well, it’s kind of serious.

Nao-chan: Are you dying?

Kuro-kun: Not any more than most people. No, it’s more of a moral quandary.

Nao-chan: Oya oya? Now this I have to hear.

Kuro-kun: I know it’s weird hearing this from me, but could you be serious for a second?

Nao-chan: Sorry, sorry. Bad habit. Seriously, Kuro-kun, you know you can tell me anything. Talk to me

The little heart emoji made this so much harder, but he didn’t want to tell Nao-chan that.

Kuro-kun: See, it’s like this. There’s this girl in like… half my classes. And she’s smart and pretty and she’s really nice. She likes the same music and books and stuff as me, and we have a lot in common and she likes my friends…

Nao-chan: She sounds perfect

Kuro-kun: That’s sort of the problem. I mean, it would be easy to just… pretend that she was the only one. But the problem is I like someone else.

Nao-chan: More than her?

Kuro-kun: Not more or less… just different. See, I can be honest with this person. I’ve told them things I don’t tell anyone. I’ve let them see a side of me I don’t let anyone else see. But I’ve never even seen their face. Maybe if I knew what they looked like… if we talked face to face, it would be easier. Then this other person would be confirmed real and… I sound like a raving lunatic, don’t I?

Nao-chan: Kuro-kun…

Kuro-kun: It’s you, Nao-chan. I like you. I like you a lot. I don’t.. I don’t want this to end. I want to get to know you better and see you and… all that other gross coupley stuff that couples do. Like get coffee and talk about our day without euphemisms. I want to see your smile and hear your laugh and I want to talk to a person when I talk instead of just typing it out. I totally understand if you’re not comfortable. Those are just my feelings.

There was a long pause. A heartbreakingly long pause. Nao-chan went horrifically silent. It was long enough that Kuroo sat and questioned every decision in his life that had lead this moment. He paced around his apartment twice, fed his cat, got a snack, boiled water for tea, and had a very minor panic attack in the time it took for them to respond.

Their response wasn’t something he could have ever anticipated.

Nao-chan: Do you have your webcam set up? If so, don’t respond. Just… start a video call with me.

Kuroo didn’t question it. He immediately hit the little video button, not caring that his laptop was probably in a place where he looked like shit on camera, and his apartment was a mess, and he was pretty sure he was wearing Bokuto’s Spyair sweatshirt, which sent so many wrong messages…

Then, his screen filled with a face. Your face. Your… your perfect, beautiful smiling face. You looked just as surprised as he was, but that gorgeous look of shock and awe was something he wanted to see over and over and over again.

“Hey there, Kuro-kun,” you said, somehow sounding so much better now that he knew who you were. “Nice name, by the way. Did you spend a whole ten seconds thinking about it?”

He couldn’t even defend himself from your teasing. He was too busy trying to not embarrass himself by breaking down into the most ridiculous tears any grown ass man had ever produced. He didn’t have to choose… he could have it all.

When did he get so lucky?

[scifiphan]

Unspoken Rules

Summary: Since the beginning, Dan and Phil have been best friends with benefits and to them, their unique dynamic makes perfect sense. Over time unspoken rules and unanswered questions have built up until one day Dan realises that he can’t continue with the way things are. Love is weird but what Dan and Phil have is a whole lot weirder. Word Count: 5.5k Warnings: angst (with a sappy ending), alcohol mentions, v slight smut A/N: hey it’s me, ur local gif maker hitting you with some more fic. this may be one of the most self-indulgent things that i have ever written and i’m not even sorry. this was really fun to write because i’ve never done any angst (so this was a challenge lol) and i never intended for it to be so long,,, it just kinda happened. i hope y’all enjoy my take on the fwb trope 

[read on ao3]

Unspoken rules grew like weeds in the cracks of their lives. They’re just two broken people stuck together by a force greater than the sum of their parts; adult lives had been shaped around teenage whim and now neither could escape from the poisonous weeds.

Dan had joked one night, as they curled up on the lounge (their bodies much too big to fit comfortably but neither minded), that the first rule of fight club is that they don’t talk about fight club. Phil had just rolled his eyes and pressed a haphazard kiss on the exposed skin of Dan’s shoulder, mumbling that they were weird. He was right; they were definitely weird. That one little exchange of words all those years ago had been a rare verbal acknowledgement of the mess they made. They fell too deep too quickly. Both were young and reckless and now eight years later, the first rule of fight club was still being adhered to.

They were best friends (in the most liberal sense of the term) even if sex had been thrown into the mix from the beginning. They didn’t really know what the definition of their relationship was but one thing was certain: they weren’t boyfriends. Even if the Lester clan had started sending joint Christmas cards a couple of years ago, they dodged the word as if it was a lethal bullet.

Although they spent most nights wrapped in each other’s arms, trailing soft kisses along familiar skin, they were nothing more than friends who loved each other but weren’t in love (a fact Dan stressed to himself quite often) and their quirky dynamic had worked perfectly for almost a decade.

It had started out as Dan’s idea.

He was so young; bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the urge to explore a part of him he had spent years ignoring. It would’ve almost been a crime for Phil to say no. Dan’s warm chocolate eyes had glimmered in the dim lighting of his childhood bedroom and his smile had been framed with endearing dimples. He couldn’t resist leaning over and sealing their fate with a kiss. Dan’s lips were soft and fit perfectly against his and whatever second guesses Phil may have held about their complicated friendship had dissipated; they could talk about it in the morning because, in that moment, he could only think about the softness of Dan’s skin and how he could almost cry about how perfect Dan’s lips felt against his.

It was exciting in the beginning; the concept of fucking just because they could. There was something exhilarating about making out for hours in their bedrooms, becoming familiar with each other’s bodies, learning every little detail about how to make the other unravel. It was their little secret hidden almost perfectly from the rest of the world.

They had been caught only once, pressed against each other as Phil peppered kisses along Dan’s neck, grinning into his skin every time Dan let a small moan escape his lips. It had been reckless, filled to the brim with stupidity, but they had been too drunk off Long Island Iced Tea to care. Phil had pulled them into the bathroom at a Vidcon after party and his mistake had been not locking the door. They never indulged in something so risqué, it was too dangerous but Dan’s hands had wandered throughout the night. Phil couldn’t wait until the privacy of their own hotel room to feel Dan against him. Their drunken plan had almost been executed perfectly but when Phil’s hands expertly unzipped Dan’s pants with a sense of urgency, the bathroom had gained one more occupant.

“Holy fucking shit,” an American accent they were all too familiar with reverbed off the bathroom walls and they both froze; not out of fear or shame but out of sheer horror.

After five years their secret had been discovered due to reckless behaviour.

Dan’s chestnut eyes were blown wide as he stared back at Anthony, holding in a whimper when the pressure on his crotch vanished and Phil’s arms went limp beside him.

“We can explain,” Phil stammered although he didn’t pull himself fully off the younger boy.

“You don’t need to,” Anthony shot back a bit too quickly; his cheeks were a rouge and his dark eyes landed everywhere but the two of them. He hovered at the bathroom door for several agonisingly long moments before stepping back, “I kinda expected it but I’ll uh, I’ll go pee somewhere else.”

When the door swung shut and it was just the two of them once again, Dan turned his head to nudge Phil’s cheek, “what do we do now?”

Phil moved his hands up so he could link them around Dan’s waist, “nothing.”

He placed a soft kiss on Dan’s lips and whatever tension that had been built during the night had vanished with Anthony’s interruption.

Dan melted a little into the sensation of the kiss, “Anthony is gonna to think we’re together,” he mumbled.

“Let him,” Phil replied.

Confusion furrowed Dan’s brows; they had spent years determined to make sure outsiders didn’t see them as a couple. He didn’t know if it was just him getting caught up in the moment or if their dynamic had shifted with Anthony’s discovery but a lot of questions had whirred in Dan’s mind and he kept them all buried in silence. They could talk in the morning between mouthfuls of waffles and maple syrup tainted kisses.

The questions were left unsaid.

A rule that had gone unspoken since the beginning was that they were free to date other people. It was hard to break into the dating scene as their YouTube careers grew exponentially so the lulls between romantic escapades were lengthy and their dates never lasted long enough to ever be considered serious.

On rainy nights, as they curled beneath Phil’s duvet with a bottle of rosé running through their veins, Dan would joke about how they were too blinded by their love for each other to properly date anyone else. Phil would always scoff and insist that the younger boy was mad but as the years wore on and their lives as singles grew more permanent, he started to not bat away the jokes. Instead, he clung to Dan tightly, afraid of the feelings whirring inside him; afraid of the warmth that ran like honey upon his skin whenever Dan touched him.

Love is weird but what they had was so much weirder.

They were nothing more than friends who loved each other but weren’t in love (a fact Phil reminded himself with increasing frequency as time wore on as if he was trying to convince himself).

Another rule that had never come up in conversation was something they had danced around on thin ice since the beginning. Although neither cared too much about who the other pulled into their beds, they had never brought back another man. Sexuality was something they hadn’t spent long pondering but from their own messy history, they were both well aware of how far from straight they were. However, when it came to dating other people, they had only brought women back to their apartment.

It was a quirk neither could fully understand and they had only made one fleeting comment on the observation. Dan once said that it was a subconscious urge to spite each other and Phi had just giggled around a mouthful of cereal, nudging Dan’s thigh with his knee and jokingly reassured him that it’s only because he didn’t satisfy Phil’s needs. The younger boy had almost choked on chamomile tea before leaning over to push the cereal bowl from Phil’s hands and proving that he could satisfy him better than anyone.

That was the last time that particular facet of their broken life was mentioned.

For eight years they had found a balance that worked and as time grew, their quirky friendship had become second nature; they had found harmony together.

Long ago they swapped singular words for their pluralistic variation without even second guessing the vocabulary migration. It felt natural for the two of them to be a single entity. They were Dan and Phil. Two halves of a whole. Best friends who loved each other but could never be in love. It just wasn’t their thing.

They had never put too much effort into dissecting the nature of their relationship; questions and rules had been built up and pushed to the side. It was too complex. Too interwoven. The limitations between them had faded until everything about them was blurry and plural. They resisted definition so much that they lost definition entirely. For eight years they had played an endless game of cat and mouse; sidestepping the questions that required answers. They were in too deep and neither knew how to even begin defining their complicated life they had built for themselves until they could no longer avoid the inevitable.

Dan had found his head on Phil’s lap while they both absentmindedly watched an episode of Buffy that they had seen dozens of times. He mumbled the dialogue without even realising it (a sign that they spent too much of their spare time indulging in absolutely nothing). Not that he’d have it any other way; he counted every lazy night with Phil as a blessing.

Phil carded a hand through Dan’s curls, tugging lightly because after so long together he knew just how nice the younger boy found the sensation. For someone who said he loved bites and bruises, Dan was just a big softy for all the gentle and affectionate actions that had worked their way into their dynamic.  Phil had been wanting to bring up something that had been niggling inside him for weeks but whenever he had gained the courage, they would melt into domestic habits and he couldn’t bring himself to see Dan’s heart shatter behind his perfect chocolate eyes.

He couldn’t evade the inevitable any longer; he had to rip the Band-Aid off just as Buffy slayed yet another vampire.

“I want to start dating again.”

He felt Dan stiffen. His breathing stilled for what felt like aeons but were only mere moments. It had been well over a year since either had ventured outside of their unspoken agreement and although the first rule of fight club still stood, they had fallen into something so comfortable and natural and Phil was shattering their creation.

“Getting bored?” Dan’s words were hushed. He rolled back into Phil’s lap so he could look up at the face of the man he loved but was too stubborn to accept how smitten he actually was. Dan refused to believe he was in love; their dynamic didn’t allow it.

Phil sighed, shifting his hand so he could stroke Dan’s cheek, letting his fingers linger on the slightly red patch that bloomed upon his jaw, “I could never get bored of you,” he replied with a fondness that took both of them off-guard. “It’s just that I’m in my thirties now, I need to make the most of my fleeting youth before I end up adopting fifteen dogs.”

“You can never have too many dogs,” Dan smiled back but it was vacant. Whatever thoughts were whirring in the brunette’s head refused to be verbalised but Phil could see the pain seeping into Dan’s warm eyes, dampening them.

“Don’t cry,” Phil whispered. The longer their more-than-friends-but-still-friends relationship went on the worse it became whenever they chose to venture into the dating scene but he hadn’t expected tears.

“I’m not crying,” Dan shot back, he drew his bottom lip between teeth in an attempt to distract his mind that was racing a mile a minute.

The older boy smirked, “all men do is lie.”

Dan couldn’t help but let a laugh escape. Even if the fragile world he had shaped was beginning to shatter for what seemed like the hundredth time, he couldn’t be mad at Phil. He always knew that one day they would go their separate ways; create families of their own with pretty wives and pretty kids in a pretty London borough and they would walk their dogs together in the afternoons while reminiscing about their youth. What he desperately clung onto would one day just be a distant memory he would recall fondly when his skin was wrinkled and his hair turned grey.

He shifted his position so he could pull Phil down beside him, “kiss me,” Dan asked with an urgency that could be analysed when the sun climbed above the city skyline and the reality of their future could be comprehended. Their nights together were limited and as Phil kissed away the tears that rolled down the brunette’s cheek, Dan could almost forget that his life had just been shattered like glass.

Their unspoken rules had never been broken; their silent agreement had remained strong for close to a decade so when Phil dragged his date through the front door three weeks later, the broken pieces of Dan’s heart were ripped to shreds once again. It wasn’t that Phil had bad taste (he had exceptional taste) but it was more the fact that his date wore a red flannel, round glasses and had a well-trimmed ginger beard; the stereotypical hipster he probably found somewhere near Shoreditch. Dan wanted to wave at the man but when his bright smile lit up the room he realised that a part of Phil that had only ever been reserved for Dan had been pulled from his grasp. He had to hold onto the kitchen bench to stop him from crumpling to the ground like discarded paper.

“Dan! You’re awake!” Phil said between giggles; he was definitely intoxicated. It was well into the early hours of the morning yet Dan didn’t feel even a tendril of sleep pulling at him.

The other guy held Phil’s hand, gently swinging it as he giggled alongside him. Dan couldn’t help but notice how his hand was too small for Phil. They didn’t fit the way Dan’s hand melded perfectly; everything about Dan fit perfectly with Phil yet it was too late to contemplate such intricate thoughts.

“Hi,” Dan managed to spit out with a bit more vehemence than he was meant to but he couldn’t retract. The man was cute. His ginger hair fell in waves to his shoulders and brown frames accentuated pine green eyes; he was conventionally attractive and a few inches shorter than the two of them. If he wasn’t holding hands with his Phil, Dan would have found him incredibly cute but all he could feel was overwhelming jealousy.

“This is Liam,” Phil tugged at the ginger’s hand.

“Hiya, you’re Dan yeah?” Liam’s words were coated in an accent that Dan couldn’t place. Kiwi? Australian? South African? Dan’s jealousy was almost at melting point and all he could do was nod in response; well aware that anything he said wouldn’t work in his favour.

“We’re just heading to my room,” Phil announced, picking up on the tension filling up the kitchen at an alarming rate.

Dan just nodded, turning his head towards the fridge to hide a scoff. Phil’s bedroom was nothing more than a glorified filming set in their new apartment; he hadn’t spent a night in there since they moved in.

“G’night,” he mumbled, not caring if his lack of hospitality gave Liam a bad impression because that was exactly what he was trying to achieve.

He felt Phil’s gaze linger on the back of his head before giving up in favour of giving Liam a grand tour of their apartment.

When the door to Phil’s room swung shut, Dan allowed himself to slide down to the foot of the fridge. He had spent countless hours in this position; pondering life and all the bad decisions he had made. The worst decision he had ever made couldn’t help but rear its ugly head; forcing tears to fall down Dan’s cheeks in a wave of violent sobs. He didn’t care if Phil and his attractive date could hear; they were the catalyst for his fragile future, his hope of holding onto Phil for reasons he could not entirely explain had been annihilated.

The worst decision he had ever made was kissing Phil back for the first time. On a good day, he may have said it was his best decision but good days were just distant memories.

They had been in Phil’s room and heavy snow fell outside, helping form a memory that felt almost too magical to be real. Dan had quickly discovered that kissing Phil was a necessity; he needed it as much as he needed air to breathe and blood in his veins. His entire body had come alive in that moment as if all the stars had aligned and fate had cast its benevolent hand over them. Although, it had been too good to be true. Their bodies fit together perfectly, it was as if they were one soul shaped as two beings finally finding their other half. Every nerve had come alight as wildfire blazed throughout their bodies. Inexperienced hands fumbled across pale skin, exploring every inch and laying claim. Phil was his first and his best; they had been so dumb but it was when they were in each other’s arms afterwards that their insipid fate had been sealed.

“You’re my best friend, I don’t want what just happened to change that,” Dan’s voice had been soft but his words were laced with fear. He had fallen deep into something that he didn’t know how to get out of and he didn’t even know if he wanted to get out of it.

“It doesn’t have to change,” Phil had mumbled into his hair. At the time those words had come as a relief; Dan had spent too much of his life avoiding labels. He hadn’t been ready. He hadn’t realised that eight years later he would be on the kitchen floor, a broken mess, as his best friend and love of his life broke his heart just down the hallway.

Dan was in love with Phil and it had taken eight years to acknowledge the pain that had been in his chest since the beginning.

He must have drifted off to sleep in his position below the fridge because the next thing he knows, dim morning sunlight is pouring through the windows, warming his tear-stained cheeks. For a moment, he could almost forget his downfall last night but then he hears footsteps enclosing on the kitchen and his eyes flew open; it would be pathetic if he was caught in his vulnerable state.

“Oh Dan…” If Dan still had a heart left to break, it would have splintered into tiny pieces with the sincerity those two simple words fell from Phil’s lips. His best friend was standing before him in emoji pyjamas and a graphic tee with his black-rimmed glasses slightly askew. He reached out a hand to pull Dan up, “were you there all night?”

A lot of ways to react to Phil’s softness flickered through Dan’s mind. He thought about yelling and screaming, crying even though he was too dehydrated to do so, even fucking him on the kitchen counter. Every scenario under the sun played in his mind but when Phil pulled him up so they were level, Dan could only fall into his arms with a silent sob.

Phil’s arms tightened around Dan instinctively and the younger boy could sense uncertainty running through Phil’s thoughts, “what changed?” was all he managed to ask next to Dan’s ear.

Dan wanted to laugh, he wanted to let all the bitterness pent up inside him get released as sadistic laughter. He wanted to ask Phil if he was fucking serious because his eyesight may be shit but he isn’t blind; their predicament was obvious. He wanted to confess that he was undoubtedly in love and couldn’t deny it. However, he chose none of those options and instead closed the gap between their lips with a greedy kiss.

Phil pulled away almost instantly but not quick enough for Dan to miss the conflict that was bubbling up inside the older man.

“Liam’s still here,” Phil hissed.

“Fuck Liam,” Dan’s breath was hot against Phil’s skin and when Dan swooped back in for a second time, licking hotly into the kiss with fervency, Phil couldn’t help but succumb to fate’s twisted plan.

Dan pressed his body flush against Phil and the unexpected weight caused them to stumble back into the kitchen island in a tangle of limbs. Their kisses were erratic; a clash of greed and familiar desire coming alive in a flurry as Dan lifted Phil onto the island, pushing himself into Phil, delighted to find him already half hard.

“Didn’t fuck yourself senseless last night?” Dan asked while trailing small nips down Phil’s neck and applying just the right amount of pressure where his pyjama pants tented.

A soft moan escaped Phil and Dan hummed with approval, repeating his actions.

“We didn’t have sex,” Phil told him through breathy moans and Dan stopped in his tracks, lifting his lips from Phil’s neck so he could look him in the eyes.

“What?”

“We didn’t fuck,” Phil said as if swearing would get the point across, “we just talked and kissed for a bit.”

Dan kept his eyes trained on Phil’s for what felt like an eternity. In the morning sunlight, he noticed that the flecks of yellow became more prominent as if he had liquid gold glimmering in the pools of green and blue.

A part of him felt guilty for assuming and a part of him felt relieved but the jealousy still remained; someone else got the chance to feel Phil’s wondrous lips and Dan felt the urge to kiss away the lingering feeling of the other man. This time their kiss was tender, the beginnings of an unspoken apology they knew all too well. It was repetition of all the other times they had found their way back to each other after countless failed dating attempts. Dan’s hands reached up to card Phil’s raven hair and he tugged lightly, delighted when Phil moaned into each kiss.

“We can’t do this, not now,” the older boy pulled away when their kisses shifted into something more heated and a whine escaped from Dan.

“We can’t keep running away from this,” Dan mumbled, leaning forward to entrap Phil in another kiss but he tilted his head so Dan’s lips met a pale cheek.

“I’m not trying to run away,” Phil whispered, “once he leaves we’ll talk. I promise that we’ll work this mess out.”

Dan sighed, leaning his head onto Phil’s, “I’ll be waiting. I always am.”

With that, they broke apart and Dan’s arms fell to his side as if he was a puppet and his strings had just been cut. He was tempted to fall back into his spot below the fridge but as Phil left the kitchen, Dan allowed his feet to take him in the other direction. He grabbed his coat and shoved his phone into a pocket, tempted to leave it at home but decided against it. He couldn’t fully avoid reality even if it could lead to even more heartbreak. He couldn’t keep being invisible whenever his heart was trodden on.

He was used to absent walks to clear his head but now his mind was anything but absent. He kept replaying every action that led up to the present, every kiss stolen in the darkness of night, every tear shed when he saw Phil with someone else. They had spent years avoiding the situation between them and now Dan found himself in the shadows waiting for Phil, the embodiment of light, to pull him back into the sunshine.

Dan ended up in a nearby park, a black coffee cradled in his hands (a vacant decision while walking past Pret a Manger), savouring the feeling of warm steam reaching up to caress his face. Although the sun was shining, London was cold. Trees had lost almost all their leaves and the last lingering red and brown foliage clung onto bare limbs as if they were too stubborn to let go.

The park was empty aside from him and maybe that was due to it being midmorning or maybe the icy touch in the air had kept everyone inside. He found a spot beneath a gazebo and allowed himself to take a seat. He did this often; sit and think in parks. There was something about the falling leaves and a gentle breeze that calmed him. His mind slowed down just enough to force it into silence; focusing on the bitter taste of the coffee and harsh heat that hit his tongue instead of his broken life that was in dire need of fixing.

He felt his phone buzz a few times but chose to ignore it in favour to sweeping the dregs of his coffee out of the cup, grimacing at the temperature which was slightly too cool for comfort; a sign that he had been thinking for too long.

Dan felt as if a part of him had been laid to rest at the realisation that his feelings had run astray. For years he had been certain that they could remain in their tangle of weeds; allowing unspoken rules to blur what they were and strangle the feelings he buried so deep.

Love was weird and love was blind but he had been blinded by stupidity to realise that his heart was only meant for Phil.

His feelings had only once come to the surface in a Freudian slip on a drunken night during their Australian leg of the tour. They had spent the hours after their Sydney show drinking with the crew but when they stumbled into a taxi their hands found home upon each other and Phil’s lips had laid claim to Dan’s jaw.

If the driver could see what was unfolding in the backseat he never expressed discomfort.

They shared kisses coated with the weight of intoxication and hands lazily traced familiar patterns. Dan had consumed one margarita too many and as Phil dragged his mouth along his collarbone, words betrayed him.

“Love you.”

He never knew if Phil heard him in that moment or if he had been too preoccupied with Dan’s exposed skin to notice but the younger boy’s eyes had blown wide with alarm and he forced himself to backtrack.

“Lo-love being here with you. Sydney is amazing.”

Phil hummed into the crook of Dan’s neck, not seeming too fussed with what his friend was saying before shifting upwards so he could focus on the sweet spot upon Dan’s neck.

Whatever fear that had been born in the wake of Dan’s slip up was momentarily forgotten as pleasure ran through him like lightning.

Phil had never questioned what was said within the taxi that night so Dan had repressed the memory alongside his undying love until it pushed its way to the surface of his mind; reminding Dan of just how messy his life had become.

It wasn’t until the sun became hidden behind looming clouds that he was joined within the gazebo. Dan didn’t turn his head, he didn’t need to. He knew the feeling of Phil’s presence all too well.

The older man sat at the opposite end of the bench, his hands shoved into coat pockets and his eyes trained on amber coloured leaves that felt languidly from a nearby tree. His hair was swept neatly to the side and glasses were gone in favour of contacts. Dan could feel his heart skip a beat and he hated knowing that Phil had that effect on him. Even after so long he still got giddy when looking at the man. In Dan’s eyes, he was perfection, the embodiment of Adonis but even his beauty couldn’t hide the pain that radiated from his chest.

They didn’t speak straight away, it wasn’t their style if the last eight years of avoidance wasn’t enough proof of that. Time fell away from their own little slice of reality and hours could have passed or just mere moments but when Phil extended a hand out to Dan, he didn’t refuse the invitation. Phil’s slender fingers were warm (a stark contrast to the cool air) and his thumb ran comforting strokes across the back of Dan’s hand; an action that had become second nature.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil was the first to speak. His eyes remained trained on falling leaves but Dan could see that they were red. He had been crying and that fact broke Dan more than anything else that had come between them.

“You don’t have to be,” he replied tenderly, afraid that his voice might crack if he spoke too loud.

“No Dan,” Phil said, “let me apologise for once. I got us into this mess, the least I can do is say sorry.”

“I’ve been afraid,” the younger boy admitted, “what happened to us?”

“Come here,” Phil tugged lightly and Dan followed the pull, folding into Phil’s arms just as a silent sob spilt out of him. He let go of Phil’s hand in favour of wrapping his arms tightly around him and nestling his head upon his chest.

“I don’t want to let you go,” Dan mumbled, unsure as to if it was in context to the hug or their lives as a whole. Both were plausible.

“It was stupid of me to think I could spend my life with anyone but you,” Phil whispered into chocolate curls, “It just took this morning for me to realise it. Seeing you hurt like that, it broke me.”

“What about your redhead?” Dan tried to push jealousy to the side but it refused to remain hidden.

“Liam isn’t the man for me,” Phil paused to place a soft kiss in his curls, “you are.”

Dan almost melted at the softness of the kiss but the words that followed turned his limbs into jelly. He moved his head up slightly so he could look up at Phil. His blue eyes seemed grey in the now overcast weather.

“Why did we complicate our life?” he asked with furrowed brows.

“You have a dramatic flair,” Phil allowed a smile to race across his lips that remained when a small chuckle escaped the brunette.

“What are we?” Dan asked, moving a hand from Phil’s back so he could trace pale cheekbones out of intrigue. All the questions they had ignored and kept for morning afters were finally allowed to be asked yet all he could think of was the most basic questions that probably already held obvious answers.

“Dan and Phil,” the older boy replied before placing a small kiss on the tip of Dan’s nose. “To me, you are everything even if we’ve resisted definition for so long. I can’t imagine spending a day without you let alone spending a life without you by my side.”

The feelings that had surfaced back in Sydney bloomed in Dan’s stomach as a manifestation of butterflies, “seeing you last night with someone else made me realise that I only want you. I’ve only ever wanted you and I was a fool to think otherwise.”

Phil laughed and his warm breath tickled Dan, “to think I’ve spent years trying to find someone to replace the happiness I feel when you’re in my arms.”

“When did you realise this?” Dan asked with curiosity, “you make it sound as if you’ve known for ages yet I don’t think I realised until last night.”

Phil smirked as if the memory he was recalling was fond, “I fell in love the moment I met you but it just took me a little bit to realise that I loved you more than a best friend.”

“Love…”

“Is it really such a strange concept?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head, blinking back tears as a smile forced its way onto his lips, “I love you too.”

“Don’t cry,” Phil responded with a hushed whisper.

“They’re good tears,” Dan reassured before leaning in to connect their lips. The kiss was soft as emotions that they had buried now flowed freely between them and all the unspoken rules dissipated the moment Dan sighed into the kiss. It was bliss. Kissing Phil was always perfect.

They stayed like that, wrapped in each other’s arms sharing tender kisses, not caring if other people within the park saw them. Love was weird but what Dan and Phil had was so much weirder. The nature of their relationship still remained undefined but as Dan let his hands run through raven hair, he knew that whatever was yet to come would undoubtedly be perfect.

“So, what now?” he asked when they finally pulled away from the kiss, nuzzling into Phil.

“Let’s go back home and watch some Ghibli. How about Spirited Away? And we can order takeout?” The older boy pulled away from Dan so he could stand up, extending his hand to Dan. Last time he did that action, heartbreak had pulled at them but now all the years of needless pain had been torn from them by the roots and love bloomed in its place, “does that sound like a good start of our forever?”

“Ponyo,” Dan amended, standing up beside Phil with a grin unable to leave his lips, “and yes, forever sounds nice if I get to spend it with you.”

[nellie-elizabeth]

Suits: Tiny Violin/Good-Bye (7x15/16)

I'm... disappointed.

Cons:

This episode should have accomplished two things. It had to set up pieces for the future, what with Zane coming over to Specter Litt, and setting up Jessica's spin-off. And it also had to be a proper sendoff for two of this show's main characters. I didn't hate the setup for the future, but I'm feeling really, really let down by the sendoff for Mike and Rachel. This show was built on a concept - Mike Ross is a fraud, hired by Harvey Specter, and the two of them keep Mike's secret together. The entire show, every scrap of marketing material, is built around these two guys as the headliners. I was pleasantly surprised to find the show willing to move past its original premise and in to new territory, and I even understand that the Mike Ross chapter is coming to an end. But if this is really the end of that chapter, why do Mike and Harvey get virtually no screen-time together?

Why spend so much time on Jessica? Won't we have plenty of time for that on her own damn show? Harvey picks up and rushes off to Chicago for almost the entire second part of this two-part finale. Mike nearly gets married without him, which is just crazy! We see tiny little moments with Louis and Mike, or with Donna and Mike, but we didn't get any good Rachel and Louis scenes, which is a crying shame, considering this was the last chance. We get no sense of wrapping-up for Mike, we don't get any allusions to his brilliant memory, we don't even get a goodbye between him and Oliver, after all the buildup of their friendship. It felt rushed. It felt like emphasis was placed on the stuff that we'll have plenty of time for in Season Eight, instead of on the stuff that we're saying goodbye to forever.

Pros:

I'm going to try and set aside the fact that this was a farewell episode for Mike and Rachel, and try to look at it on its own merits. The Jessica stuff was pretty good. I can see where they're going with this spin-off. A more activist-centered show, slightly more grit, Jessica warring with her morals and her integrity. I'm sure it'll be great. I probably won't be watching, but if it gets enough buzz maybe I'll check it out. There's something undeniably powerful about Gina Torres telling the network that she wanted to move back home, so they make her an entire spin-off so she can keep playing Jessica Pearson in the city of her choosing. I love her. She's a goddess.

I'm pretty happy with the idea of Robert Zane joining the firm and merging their assets. Zane Specter Litt? Specter Litt Zane? I think that's going to be a big question. It's interesting because this move feels almost inevitable, what with all of the help Zane has given to them over the years. It's interesting that what would once have been a failure is now a success. Harvey and Louis get an influx of talent and a new partner, and we get to keep Zane around in a more permanent fashion. I'm all for it! I like that while Harvey was off helping Jessica, we got to see Louis take the reigns on this, with Mike's vital assistance.

Mike's clinic case involved children with lead poisoning. I'll admit I was less interested in this story, because I knew it was only going to serve as a jumping off point to justify Mike and Rachel leaving the firm. That said, I thought the case was okay, and it was fun to see the clinic characters one final time before Mike and Rachel bow out. I like that we got to see Mike in court one more time, being an improbable bad-ass and saving the day, getting these poor families enough money to help with their burdens, even if nothing could ever make up for what was taken from them.

The wedding scene at the end was extremely brief, but I thought it was pretty perfect. Sure, I would have loved more time. I would have loved to see a scene with Robert and Mike. I would have loved to see Louis congratulating Mike and Rachel. But what we got is the two of them reciting their vows, love shining in their eyes. We got to see them dance, we saw Harvey and Donna dance as well. We saw Louis and Sheila together. In all, it was a great final scene to what I wish could have been a better final episode for Mike and Rachel.

Of course, there's the Mike and Harvey scene. As I already complained about, their interactions in this episode were far too brief, but I will say that Gabriel Macht acted the hell out of their moments together. He's just so gentle and soft and happy for Mike at the wedding, and then he tells him that he'll make Mike senior partner when he gets back from his honeymoon... and Mike breaks the news that he and Rachel are moving to Seattle. You can just watch Harvey's heart break right in front of your eyes. He gives Mike a hug, and the next we see him he's sitting at the bar, a look of desolation on his face. Donna comes up to him, and the two go to the dance floor. It's not enough. It's not nearly enough of a goodbye for these two best friends. But I have hope that we're going to keep Mike in the show in some way, even if it's only a mention from Harvey now and then. After everything they went through together, I can't imagine these two allowing themselves to drift apart. It's like Jessica says - Harvey is the closest thing Mike has to family.

So... I'm feeling let down. I wanted more of a "one last time" vibe to this episode, with lots of Mike and Harvey being the best of friends. Instead, they spent almost the whole episode apart, then had a couple of cute little moments there at the end, and that was it. Still, while we know that the illustrious Ms. Markle will not be returning to this show, for obvious reasons, there's every chance that Mr. Adams could come back and grace us with a guest appearance or two. Fingers crossed?

7/10