#it's choosing to cause harm when the alternative was to do nothing. literally nothing. you are expending energy to do harm

[banannabethchase]

Waking up at 6:40 on a Saturday feels disrespectful and I am not happy about it.

[ms-demeanor]

I don’t duck with predatory schools or cheap unaccredited courses/ capitalism/white washed alternative medicines… but does you beef with alternative practitioners extend to Eastern/ traditional medicinal practices as a whole? Like you don’t think herbalism or acupuncture have healing capabilities?

I am deeply, deeply skeptical of nearly all alternative medicine, but you are unlikely to find anyone who says there are no benefits to most types of alternative medicine. (I'll say it about chiropractic and homeopathy though - there's nothing that a chiropracter can do for you that a physical therapist or massage therapist can't do better and more safely, and homeopathy won't do anything except possibly poison more infants)

However, here's the problem with that:

Acupuncture appears to have fairly reliable effects that are not explained by the placebo effect for things like pain relief, anxiety, and depression, and may also help with disorders relating to those things (insomnia and asthma, for instance). But you should not stop taking your asthma medications because you are being treated for asthma with acupuncture because if you are asthmatic, deciding "oh, my asthma [which treatable, but not curable] is cured!]" and throwing away your rescue inhaler can kill you.

Herbal remedies may be comforting for some people, and may have some effects, but it is dangerous to use, for instance, St. John's Wort to treat depression because it is impossible to standardize a dose of St. John's Wort in something like a tea or an extract, and supplements are not regulated in the US so it is impossible to know *what* dose you're getting in a St. John's Wort supplement.

Many people find chiropractic to be a reasonable means of pain relief, and I'm not going to pretend that their pain isn't reduced from chiropractic treatment, but literally hundreds of studies suggest that for the things that chiropractic has any reliable measurable effect on (musculoskeletal pain) you are going to get better treatment from a massage therapist or a physical therapist.

Ayurvedic medicine has a long history of things like surgeries including cataract surgyery and cauterization to treat bleeding, which do actually work! However ayurvedic medicine also often includes consumption of harmful materials like heavy metals alongside herbs that may have actual medical benefits, or practices like oil pulling, which do absolutely nothing.

Chinese Traditional Medicine may have some useful treatments, but is also associated with things like lead poisoning.

Use of Kava as an herbal alternative pain treatment was linked to a spate of people having liver failure. Kava does work to treat pain, it just also causes liver failure at completely unacceptable rates and at completely unknown doses.

So I don't think that alternative medicines are uniformly awful. Some stuff seems to work okay, and there is some stuff that is very unlikely to cause harm even if it doesn't actually heal.

But, hoo boy, herbalism has *immense* capacity to harm (because it is difficult to ensure accurate dosing, because herbal medications may interfere with allopathic medications, because it is difficult to avoid contaminants and easy to make mistakes with preparations in herbal medicine), which is made worse when people choose herbalism in place of other treatments. There are a thousand horror stories of people using black salve (a caustic substance that is used to treat tumors by chemically burning them off) to treat breast cancer, which is only marginally more horrifying than people who chose to forego cancer treatment in favor of herbalism.

And I'm not particularly in the business of telling people what to do, but I am someone with chronic illnesses who has had alternative treatments proposed to me in place of recognized best practices and I understand that for people with a new or frightening diagnosis it is easy to fall victim to a confident person who is offering 'treatment' at a lower cost and with more hands-on care than an overworked specialist who doesn't take your shitty insurance. Because of that I think that it is often safer to assume that alternative treatments are at best unproven and to start treating medical conditions with allopathic medicine and to use alternative treatments alongside of allopathic medicine (with the full knowledge of your medical team - a lot of "detoxifying" alternative medicines work by making all of your medications ineffective!)

And even if you're going to be using herbalism or acupuncture to treat someone and doing so in conjunction with proven treatments, I still think it's important for the practitioner of alternative medicine to be intellectually curious and scientifically educated enough to recognize when their treatments aren't working; if you have cheerfully taken a course in chiropractic and homeopathy as part of your alternative medicine degree, that does not suggest that you are being given a rigorous, evidence-based education in herbalism or acupuncture by the school that provided the homeopathy class!

It's like if you were getting a degree in engineering and had to take a class on the physics of the time cube in order to graduate. Time Cube Theory 204 cancels out Advanced Fluid Dynamics! Time Cube Theory 204 calls into question the validity of all your other classes! Time Cube Theory 204 is a major alarm bell, and if that didn't chase you out of the building you shouldn't be trusted to build a dam!

[karmicstar]

YEMAYA...

Holy Queen Sea

Yemaya, Queen of the Sea, epitomizes motherhood and rules all issues pertaining to women. She is among the most powerful and beloved of the Seven African Powers, the sexy matriarch of the Yoruba spirits known as orishas. The translation of her name, “The Mother Whose Children are Fish” has dual implications:

• Yemaya’s children are innumerable: she is the mother of most of the orishas.

• Her generosity and benevolence have also garnered her countless human devotees, equivalent to the innumerable fish of the sea.

Yemaya has profound associations with the sea and saltwater. She resides in the sea, she is the spirit of the sea, and she is the sea, literally present in ocean water. Her nature resembles that of the sea: profound, beautiful, filled with treasure and generosity but also potentially tempestuous. Yemaya generously bestows abundance, wealth, healing, love, and fertility, but she is also the essence of tidal waves and rip currents.

Yemaya, a profoundly powerful orisha, may be petitioned for:

• Anything possibly considered a “woman’s issue”

• Fertility and reproductive issues

• Protection from domestic violence, which she despises

• Protection when traveling over the sea

However, those who develop an especially close relationship with Yemaya must be extra cautious when actually near the sea. Communicate with her constantly when in the water or beside it. Remind her that you are human and must live on land. Yemaya doesn’t intend to cause harm but likes to keep everything she loves—her treasures—near her.

Once upon a time, Yemaya lived in the cemetery and Oya in the sea. Yemaya tricked Oya into permanently trading places. Oya has never entirely forgiven her. Do not feed or venerate them side by side. Leave some distance between these two powerful orishas.

Yemaya is syncretized to the Stella Maris and the Black Madonna of Regla.

Favored people:

Anyone of African descent whose ancestors survived the Middle Passage to the West may consider their connection to Yemaya established. It is traditionally believed that anyone who survived did so through her grace, while those who did not survive were received into her body.

Yemaya also protects:

• Women and children

• Practitioners of the occult

• Those born under water signs, especially Cancers

Also known as:

Yemalla; Yemoja; Yemalia; Yemaja; Iemanja

Origin:

Yoruba (Nigeria)

Classifications:

Orisha; Mermaid

Manifestations:

Whether manifesting as woman or mermaid, Yemaya is always spectacularly beautiful. She can be sexually provocative with a rolling, hip-swaying walk that evokes the sea. Her traditional costume includes seven skirts. Her hair, clothes, and body may be ornamented with crystals, pearls, coral, or tiny bells.

Attributes:

Seashells, marine motifs

Emblem:

Star and half moon; Yemaya is the only orisha associated with two heavenly bodies—one isn’t sufficient to represent her beauty.

Colors:

Blue, white

Birds:

Doves, ducks, peacocks

Creatures:

Fish, all sea creatures

Element:

Water

Metal:

Silver

Number:

7

Planet:

Moon, which controls the sea

Plants:

> Indigo, seaweed, water hyacinth

Minerals:

Quartz crystal, pearls, coral

Places:

Originally the spirit of Nigeria’s Ogun River, her profound associations with the ocean may have coincided with the African slave trade.

Day:

Saturday

Time:

• 2 February

• Summer Solstice •15 August (Brazil)

• 7 September (Cuba)

• New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Midnight, the threshold between years, is her power moment.

Altar:

Devotees traditionally visit her at the ocean, bearing gifts. Alternatively, create an altar for Yemaya featuring saltwater and ocean motifs at home. Yemaya’s shrine should evoke the sea. Decorate it with nets, seashells, sea stars, and sea horses. Add salted water to a crystal glass containing small seashells.

Offerings:

Jewelry, perfume, brand new scented soap still in its wrapper; flowers, especially white roses. Yemaya’s favorite food offerings include wet seedy fruits like pomegranates and watermelon plus fish, duck, and lamb dishes. She likes to snack on pork cracklings, plantain or banana chips and pound or coconut cake. Garnish everything with generous libations of molasses. Gifts on behalf of the marine environment and sea creatures may also please her.

HOW TO PETITION YEMAYA

• Summon her with a gourd rattle.

• Petition her at the beach.

• Can’t get to the beach? Yemaya’s fellow water spirit, Oshun, spirit of sweet waters, will accept offerings on her behalf. Deposit gifts for Yemaya in flowing streams or rivers. Nothing is free, however: if utilizing Oshun’s services, be sure to speak to her first, explaining that you would like her to deliver your offering to Yemaya. Bring Oshun an appropriate gift, too.

YEMAYA CLEANSING SPELL

Re-create the sea: add sea salt to spring water.

• Murmur over it. Tell the water your goals and what you seek. Invoke, petition, or pray to Yemaya.

• Sprinkle the water over your naked body from head to toe using your fingers or a roseMary branch.

• Let the water remain on your body for a little while, and then gently pat yourself dry with a brand-new clean white towel or cloth.

• Put on clean clothes.

• Take the cloth to the sea with seven white roses; throw everything in the water.

• Walk away and don’t look back.

Although there is one Yemaya, she also has multiple paths, which may be venerated independently. Alternatively they may be understood as different facets of one extremely complex, profound goddess. Yemaya’s different paths are symbolized by different shades of blue (and sometimes by unique attributes). The particular hue represents each path’s specific natureand home. Thus the aspects of Yemaya who live closest to land or the water’s surface are represented by paler shades than those dwelling in the depths. Aggressive, violent aspects of Yemaya also claim the color red.

The following are but a few of her many aspects:

YEMAYA ASESUN

Yemaya Asesun, an ancient path of Yemaya, is Queen of Water Birds including ducks, geese, and swans. She rules the springs that gush forth from Earth, especially in deep forests.

Color:

Light blue

YEMAYA ASHAGBA

Yemaya Ashagba, “The Chain,” is Olokun’s first child and may be the oldest, most primordial aspect of Yemaya. (See Yembo below.) Queen of the Anchor, Yemaya Ashagba connects the bottom of the sea with the top. She is a spirit of divination and healing. When angered, floods, and tidal waves are her weapons.

Attribute:

Anchor

Color:

Light blue

YEMAYA ATAREMAWA

Yemaya Ataremawa, the queen who is ever so important, owns all treasures of the sea. She has a home in the forest.

Color:

Light blue

YEMAYA IBU AGANA

Yemaya Ibu Agana is a wrathful aspect of Yemaya who lives at the bottom of the sea where she churns destruction.

Color:

Deep blue

YEMAYA IBU ARO

Yemaya Ibu Aro distributes treasure. She controls trade routes and markets.

Colors:

Indigo blue, red coral

YEMAYA MAYALEWO

Yemaya Mayalewo, Queen of the Harbor, the One Who Tends to Commerce and Trade, lives at the bay’s entrance. She is queen of the marketplace, Oya’s prime competitor.

Color:

Light blue, teal

YEMAYA OGUNTé

Yemaya Ogunté is Warrior Yemaya: the courageous, fearless warrior who fights alongside Ogun. She lives on rocky, treacherous coastlines and wears a crown of seven machetes.

Color:

Midnight blue, red

YEMAYA OKOTO

Yemaya Okoto, the Pirate Queen, causes shipwrecks and drags ships and treasure down to the ocean floor. Her name means “the one who lives amongst the seashells.” Her crown is a shark’s jawbone. She clenches a dagger between her teeth. She rules all predatory marine creatures who serve as her messengers and servants, possibly including human pirates. Yemaya Okoto fills the sea with blood. The Red Sea is her official hideout, but she sails where she chooses. (To complicate matters further, Yemaya and her daughter, love goddess Oshun, may be alter-egos of Lady Asherah, another Red Sea Queen and her daughter, love goddess Astarte.) She is also known as Yemaya Ibu Okoto.

Color:

Indigo, navy blue, blood red

Altar:

Decorate with Jolly Rogers and pirate flags

YEMBO

Yembo may be Yemaya’s mother or the oldest form of Yemaya. Yembo may be the mother of the orishas. Because Ogun allegedly raped her, metal knives are not permitted in her presence or used in her offerings. Substitute crystal, stone, or wood

[denisn4te]

Obey Me characters and their assigned dogs!

Okay, guys, I have a cool idea! What if like as an assignment, Diavolo decided to give everyone a dog from the human world to see how well dogs from the human world could get with demons and the students were allowed to choose which dog breed they'd want it to be. The assignment was to be for a few months long.

Here are my thoughts on which dog breeds they had been assigned and how well they raised them.

~•~☆~•~

Lucifer-Doberman

At first, he wanted to just use Cerberus as his dog, but it had to be a dog breed from the human world.

Obviously, he chose a big and very intimidating dog.

He received a male dog and named him Damien.

Lucifer already knew the basics of raising a dog since he is the owner of Cerberus and all.

Within the first month, Lucifer began training Damien.

By the end of that month, Damien was probably the best guard dog in the entire Devildom.

Despite being a big and scary dog, Damien was actually a big sweetheart!

He'd always follows Lucifer around and get sad when his owner wasn't around. He especially loves doing tricks for treats.

Damien is only aggressive he senses harm coming towards him or Lucifer or when he is ordered to attack.

By attack, he just chases the brothers whenever they make Lucifer mad.

When the assignment was over and the dogs were to be brought back to the human world, Lucifer immediately locked himself in his room and cranked that record player volume to 100 all while claiming he wasn't sad.

Mammon-Italian Greyhound

Tried to sell the dog not even one days after getting it

Mammon didn't know crap about human world dog breeds so he just picked a random breed not knowing anything about it. His immediate thought was 'is this a rat?'

Mammon had received a female dog and named her Jade after Lucifer caught him trying to sell her.

At first, he wanted nothing to do with Jade until out of literally nowhere she had brought him a couple of Grimm.

Suddenly he was very interested after realizing Jade had a strange habit of finding and digging up valuables. From Grimm and small jewelry to literally buried artifacts.

Nobody knows how she does it and it's concerning that they had put her in Mammon's care.

Mammon immediately started to teach Jade how to do cute tricks to random people for treats and such.

Jade was also a very energetic dog always running around and barking at almost everyone except Mammon, MC, and MC's assigned dog.

Jade loves playing with the other dogs even if it's clear that they don't want to play.

Mammon was absolutely sobbing when Jade had to go back to the human world and absolutely didn't want to let her go.

He wasn't okay for a very long time after that.

Leviathan-Newfoundland

Just like Mammon, Leviathan didn't want to do anything with a dog until he realized some dogs were specialized in swimming.

Him being very associated with the ocean was suddenly interested when he heard about the breed Newfoundland. He thought the name sounded cool and picked that in.

Probably should have done more research because he didn't realize how huge this breed was.

He received a female dog and named her Henry 4.0

Leviathan didn't know anything about dogs and boy was it so hard for him at first.

Probably had to learn by watching animes, reading mangas, and playing games about dogs NINTENDOGS.

Actually got pretty used to having a dog really quickly and enjoyed it too.

Henry 4.0 was a really chill girl and likes sleeping on top of Leviathan. Just casually crushing the boy y' know.

She really likes laying with him while he's watching anime and playing his video games.

Their favorite activities to do are taking baths, going out to swim in the nearby river, and cosplay!

Yes, you heard that right! Cosplaying is a thing they did quite often and they always dressed up as duo characters. Of course Leviathan made the cosplays from scratch.

One good thing that this assignment did was getting Leviathan out of his room for when he would take Henry 4.0 out for walks.

Whenever Leviathan got sad he'd just hug Henry 4.0 and put his head into her fur. Henry 4.0 became kind of like an emotional support animal for him.

Leviathan absolutely refused to let them take Henry 4.0 away when the assignment was over. He even tried to hide her and threatened to summon Lotan again (which he did end up doing!)

Was very much not okay after the assignment was over.

Satan-Basenji

Satan is clearly the most educated on human world dog breeds and even though he very much prefers cats over dogs, he always did like the Basenji breed.

They are known as the 'barkless' dog and even have a somewhat reputation for acting like cats.

Satan had received a male dog and named him Benjamin.

Once the assignment began he quickly began to read books about dogs.

Satan actually surprisingly liked Benjamin rather quickly despite not liking dogs all that much.

They mostly just sat down together in the library while Satan read books and Benjamin would nap.

Benjamin was a pretty active dog and liked to play with the other dogs every now and then.

But just like Satan, he got mad a lot. Whenever someone got into his personal space while he was tired he wouldn't bark at them, but he had a pretty spooky growl.

Other than that Benjamin is actually really chill.

Satan also taught Benjamin a few tricks which may or may not be targeted at Lucifer and his assigned dog, Damien.

The number of times Benjamin was seen running away from Damien and/or Lucifer with Lucifer's paperwork in his mouth was pretty impressive.

One surprise was that Benjamin and Damien got super well with each ther much to Lucifer and Satan's dismay.

Besides the antagonizing Lucifer tricks, Benjamin didn't really know any tricks other than to sit and fetch.

Just like the other brothers he was truly sad to see Benjamin go and had one last trick to play on Lucifer before the assignment ended.

Asmodeus-Samoyed

A lot of people were expecting Asmodeus to get a small dog, but he really said no❤

He already knew about all the most beautiful dog breeds from the human world and the Samoyed was absolutely elegant.

He had received a female dog and named her Opal.

He already followed a few dog pages on the internet so he had a few basics down.

You already know he's one of those absolutely extra dog owners and honestly good for both him and Opal.

He loves taking her baths and always makes sure the dog products he uses are the absolute best.

Asmodeus even bought her a gemstone collar and I'm not talking about those leather collars with those flat little slabs, I'm talking about these kinds of collars

Yes, he's that extra and no he's not ashamed.

Opal had to be the most spoiled dog in the Devildom by the end of it.

She didn't like to play all that much unless it was with Asmodeus or MC. Pretty people only.

She almost never growled ever and she would have to be really pissed if she ever did. For example, when Mammon accidentally spilled some wet dog food on her fur, she never forgave him.

As you already know, Opal got the best kind of food a dog could eat. Asmodeus being one for best self-care, he didn't want his beloved Opal eating low-grade kibble. Only the best for his little girl.

You already KNOW he dresses her up and takes her out to the club. Loves showing her off to the fans. Likes dragging MC and their assigned dog along with them just to have fun.

Do not ever pet Opal unless you have clear permission from both her and Asmodeus and also clean your hands first. Opal's fur is too delicate and beautiful to get ruined.

Whenever Asmodeus gets drunk he always hugs Opal and cries into her fluff which she doesn't mind.

Asmodeus wouldn't stop posting pictures of him and Opal on social media and even after the assignment ended he still posted older pictures of her.

Couldn't hold back the tears after Opal went back to the human world after the assignment was over. He took her on one last spa day before the day the assignment was over and gave her the best meal.

Was crying on Devilgram Live later that day.

Beelzebub-Saint Bernard

A pretty obvious one. Just like Mammon, he knew nothing about human world dog breeds and chose a Saint Bernard because Satan suggested it.

Satan purposely suggested a big dog because if it were a small one, Beel would have eaten it.

He received a female dog and named her Biscuit. The alternatives were Big Mac and Burger, but Lucifer didn't allow it.

Ome thing these two had in common was a large appetite. Beel quickly got attached to Biscuit mostly because of that.

Beel has to be supervised while feeding Biscuit her dog food cause sometimes he'll try to eat some of her food.

Biscuit loves cuddles and is a big softie just like Beel. Though she seemed to be more of a dog for Belphie since she was always tired and sleeping.

Beel never minded though and always enjoyed walking into a room and seeing Biscuit laying with Belphie and Belphie's assigned dog.

Biscuit gets along with literally everyone including the other dogs. She always lets them do whatever just as long as they aren't harming anyone.

If you do harm her owner or his family she'll go from 0 to 101 in a second. Saint Bernards actually have a very powerful bite so it's best not to piss her off.

But out of her entire time in the Devildom with the brothers, MC, and the other assigned dogs she only really actually bit someone once and it was in self-defense.

Of this assignment had taken place during the whole Belphie attic incident, Biscuit would have been a huge emotional support animal to Beel.

If it didn't take place during that time then Beel would have loved her the same way.

Whenever he would try and work out, Biscuit would always lay on him and get in the way. She's too precious.

The only workout she wouldn't interrupt with cuteness is morning walks/runs.

One problem however is how much Beel would forget to brush her and she'd leave fur absolutely everywhere.

When the assignment was over he felt like he lost a part of himself.

He woke up the morning after looking for Biscuit to take her for their morning run and remembered that the assignment was over.

Still has her collar and leash.

Sad lad hours

Belphegor-Basset Hound

Belphie definitely was one of the brothers who didn't want to do anything with dogs and in fact, he didn't even choose a dog breed so they gave him a random one for the assignment.

Clearly whoever chose the breed for him knew their breeds well because Basset Hounds are some sleepy dogs.

He received a female dog and named her Floppy. Very creative I know.

To be honest, Belphie would be the most irresponsible of the brothers when it comes to raising a dog.

Usually, he had to be reminded a lot to care for this damn dog. Whether it's be reminded to feed her or take her on walks, he's just really lazy.

At first, he didn't like Floppy at all and thought she was ugly until Beel pointed out how much they sleep together.

It was true how much they slept together, wherever Belphie was sleeping, Floppy was either on top of him or next to him.

That's when Belphie actually began to care about her and trying to take better care of her.

He'd forget a lot of the times to do things, but he was trying.

Floppy didn't know any tricks or even bother to learn any. She didn't beg for food or play with the other dogs. She never growled or barked at all either.

Someone would literally be getting stabbed in front of her and she'd yawn.

Even though Floppy never liked getting along with the other dogs, she did like to nap with Beel's assigned dog, Biscuit.

Nobody else though. Not even MC or their assigned dog.

Floppy hated going on walks and any other activity that included having to put any effort into it.

She'd just let Belphie drag her across the ground by the leash.

Belphie was the least sad when the assignment was over. He does really miss Floppy, but he knew he wasn't the best dog owner and she deserves better.

He just wishes her well and hopes she finds a better family. Oh god, he's crying now-

~•~☆~•~

tl;dr: The brothers get dogs, get attached, then get really sad once the dogs are gone.

Oh lord, this took so much longer to make than I expected. Online classes haven't been nice to me. I was going to make some art for this, but this already took way longer than I expected so I'll probably save that for another time!

If anyone of you wants you can add to this by saying what your MC's assigned dog is! Anyways hope you all have a good day and maybe I'll even make a part 2 for the Undateables! ;)

[hjbender]

Hi it's that Donald Blake au anon, and I agree I don't like Donald in general it's weird and sometimes in the comics he has a stick that he's always holding onto then he bangs it and somehow becomes Thor, idk. But the au is something that really interested me cuz it has so much potential, like is Thor an Avenger in this au, does he have to wait til Loki is not looking to go and save the world? Or is he not worthy yet and somehow choosing to reveal himself to Loki the real way to be worthy?

OH HAI AGAIN, ANON. THANK YOU FOR RETURNING

Yeah, I’m kind of glad the writers and directors decided to leave out the whole “mild-mannered human alias” from the Thor franchise. Really, so many superheroes already have alter egos��Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool, literally every single one of the OG Avengers except Thor has another name—that for once it’s nice to just have Thor be Thor.

But as far as that brilliant idea you pitched, in the first couple drafts of my answer, I actually started to rewrite Thor (2011) to make your idea fit with canon. However, after getting stuck a couple times, I started thinking it might work better away from canon (specifically Earth 616), more like a true alternate universe, no Avengers or Thanos or anything. Or, to make things simpler, it could just be a Porn With Feelings deal where the story is driven by characters and drama (and, of course, porn).

For the PWP approach, Thor masquerades as an MD on Earth because he genuinely likes to help people and having a human form helps him escape detection, or possibly keep his powerful electromagnetic radiation field from harming humans. In any case, Loki is unaware of his brothers super-secret human identity.

Somehow Loki bites off more than he can chew or pisses off the wrong supervillain—it’s practically his hobby, isn’t it?—and ends up getting his ass beaten and thrown to Earth. Miraculously, Thor (as Don Blake) is there to help him, and Thor can’t risk getting his cover blown, so he just plays along while Loki regains use of his limbs and/or powers (a perfect opportunity for some hurt/comfort whump sickfic type tags). Thor brings Loki to his apartment until he can fully recover, and in that time, Loki finds himself bonding with this disabled and good-natured human man who reminds him so much of his brother… and thus begins the forbidden romance and angst-ridden relationship drama.

...okay, so the PWP setup actually has a lot more plot than your average smutfic. (But just think of all the opportunities for medical kink in this one. Like Loki pretending he feels hot and achy and insisting that Blake give him a thorough, private exam… on the kitchen table… with stethoscopes and tongue depressors and lots of poking and prodding and pelvic exams. Anyone? No? Just me?)

The actual canon setup is the one I tried (unsuccessfully) to write out, but here’s a bullet list of the basic plot (get comfortable, this gets kind of long):

After defeating the frost giants in Norway in 900-something, Odin secretly makes a deal with Laufey to raise Loki as his own son, then marry him off to Thor so they can establish everlasting peace with Jötunheim (just like Odin and Frigga did to stop the Æsir-Vanir war). Thor and Loki’s children will be heirs to both royal houses. Upon Thor’s ascension to the throne, Odin will then return the Casket of Ancient Winters to its rightful place, and Jötunheim will flourish again with Asgard as its protector/ally

Loki is a lot more autonomous and independent than his original cinematic depiction, traveling the realms to learn seiðr and be an ambassador (and cause mischief, naturally, but nothing that can’t be fixed or used to his advantage). He’s always held a secret torch for his brother but knows there’s little/no hope of it ever being reciprocated, thus he stays away from Asgard as much as possible

Thor loves and misses his brother (perhaps too much). Their parents would surely disapprove of their relationship, gods or not, and besides, Loki is too much of a free spirit, a wanderer, content with his own company. Asking anything more of him (like a grounded, committed relationship) is something Thor could never do

Loki returns to Asgard on the eve of Thor’s coronation with gifts and smiles, and Thor embraces him with deep affection. They almost confess their feelings to one another, but shy away at the last moment (damn!)

Meanwhile, Malekith the Accursed (comics version Malekith, who is a lot sexier and generally more interesting/diabolical than his MCU counterpart) doesn’t like that Laufey is planning to make peace with Asgard and sever his alliance with Svartalfheim, and somehow breaks into the Vault on Thor’s coronation day just so he can frame Laufey and sour the arrangement with Odin

Odin decides not to act, sure that something else must be going on. Loki decides to take the intellectual route and do some investigating while Thor and his warrior companions sneak into Jötunheim to kick some ass

Thor accuses Laufey of wrongdoing, just as Malekith wanted, and almost incites a war with the frost giants. Odin banishes him to earth to live as a disabled human man until he can learn some humility

After much screaming at the sky and manly weeping, Thor finally accepts his fate and his new human identity

Enough time passes (months? A year?) that Thor eventually learns to be humble and considerate, helping other humans physically and emotionally in the medical field (I imagine him becoming an orderly at a local hospital since being a doctor requires years of education and money. Also, being thrown to Earth without a penny to his name will help Thor work through some of his entitlement and privilege issues. I headcanon he was aided by some good-hearted humans who were able to find employment for him and a place to stay, help him get on his feet, basically)

With Thor out of the way and the royal family torn apart, Malekith begins preparing for his attack on Asgard

Loki doesn’t know that Thor is trapped in a human form, only that he was banished and all contact forbidden. Loki is suspicious of the frost giants and goes to Jötunheim alone, where Laufey reveals everything to him—including Loki’s betrothal to Thor

Loki is stunned at first, unable to believe that the thing he’s wanted most was always meant to be his, and he hurriedly leaves Jötunheim

He tries to sneak to Midgard without using the Bifrost, but Malekith catches him en route and they fight. He throws a binding spell on Loki to render him powerless and then beats the living daylights out of him

Loki crash lands on Earth not far from where his brother was banished (he had been following the last known path from Asgard to Midgard), and is rendered temporarily powerless and amnesiac, not remembering anything about his fight with Malekith, Thor’s banishment, or why he was on his way to Midgard

Loki wakes up in a hospital bed with a kind human man looking after him. After an unsuccessful escape attempt, he settles in and finds himself comforted by Donald Blake’s presence. It’s… soothing, somehow familiar…(maybe it’s the drugs talking)

Thor instantly recognizes his brother but he cannot reveal himself, either because he’ll look insane/lose his job or maybe Odin made it so he’s unable to even speak the name “Thor” until he’s worthy again. In any case, Thor decides it won’t hurt to beat Loki at his own game just this once (Loki has played this prank on him more times than Thor can count). He ends up taking Loki back home with him once he’s discharged from the hospital

As his memories and powers slowly return, Loki is surprised that Blake listens to and believes everything he claims to be, and soon grows to trust and even like the man. He’s never really had a true friend before… except for his brother, Thor, of course. Blake reminds him so much of Thor…

While things gradually heat up between Loki and Blake-Thor, Malekith disguises himself as Loki (just as he did in the War of the Realms comic arc) and returns to Asgard. Odin and Frigga learn that Loki had indeed traveled to Jötunheim and confront their “son” about what he might have learned there

Not knowing it’s actually Malekith they are speaking to, they reveal the truth about Loki’s parentage and upbringing, and the reasons for his betrothal. Malekith is shocked, then amused at his good fortune. He decides to use this information to his own advantage

Malekith plots to bring Thor back to Asgard and insist that they be married at once. Thor will be crowned king, and when Thor finishes swearing his oaths, Malekith will steal Gungnir and kill Thor with it (and the entire royal family of Asgard). He will then steal the Casket of Ancient Winters, return to Jötunheim, kill Laufey and all the rest of his clan, and then head to Midgard to finish off the last of that bloodline: Loki. Then, with the power of Gungnir, Mjölnir, and the Casket of Ancient Winters, nothing will be able to stop him from bringing war and chaos to the Nine Realms

My brain is smoking and on its last cylinder right now, and I know this post is already decades long, so I’m gonna cheat and skip the whole part where Thor and Loki somehow learn about Malekith’s plot (maybe the Warriors Four come to Earth to warn them), and Thor becomes worthy again, revealing himself to a stunned Loki, and they all go flying back to Asgard, beat Malekith in an epic battle, and save the day

Once the dust has cleared, Thor is crowned king to an audience of Æsir and Jötnar, followed immediately by his and Loki’s wedding. Everyone cheers, Volstagg weeps and uses Fandral as a handkerchief, and Malekith gets a tiny slice of the wedding cake down in the dungeons

The end 🍰

[stitchlesswitch]

have a question and haven't found anyone to answer it.. I've got very mixed feelings on doing any sort of cursing or jinxing of people because I feel like it's not my place and God will be upset... Thoughts and opinions? 👉🏻👈🏻

Oh man, that’s an excellent question, and I hope I can do it justice, but please keep in mind I am no way the final authority on the subject matter. Buckle up, because you made the mistake of asking a particularly wordy person. I’ll try to break it up to be more digestible. 

TLDR: Do No Harm ... But Take No Shit 

PS: Binding and Banishing Spells are pretty good “christian” alternatives -- to me, anyways. See the bottom of the really long post below.

Inadvertent Masterpost Below?

Opinion on Other Witches Using Curses

In terms of Other witches using cursing, hexes, and jinxes---don’t judge them. (Don’t call it black/dark magic either. It associates “black” or “dark” with “negative/bad/harmful” which has racist repercussions.) To me, it is not a Christian’s place to pass judgement on how other people live their lives.

Now this might confuse some people, and in fact it already has, because I literally just made a post where I told people to not curse donald trump--to clarify, I was kidding. It was supposed to be irony/satire.

Opinion on Christian Witches in General Using Curses

In terms of Christian witches cursing/hexing/jinxing, it’s the same rule, I don’t tell other christians/christian witches how to practice their religion.  But it gets really complicated, because there’s obviously a line, right? Like if someone starts using Christianity to be homophobic or racist or as an excuse to oppress other groups, Obviously I’m gonna step up and try to stop them. As christians, I feel we have a certain obligation to stop other people from warping and twisting our faith into a tool of hate. So how does cursing/hexing/jixing fit into that line of thought?

In terms of other Christians using curses/jinxes/hexing, to me it’s a two sided coin. Either they are doing it to be malicious, in which case that’s their personal problem between them and their God. I’m not the sin police. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I espouse Christianity in all my words and actions. On the other side of the coin, and this is really important, they could do be doing it for the sake of Justice, or even in defense of worthy causes. For example, cursing an abuser, or hexing white supremacists. So that’s the distinction I hold, and I feel it’s important to separate: essentially, don’t tell people how to live, but don’t stand by and let them use christianity as a tool of oppression either. 

My Personal Opinion on Cursing as an Individual Christian Witch

But, it goes even further, and I think this is really the heart of your question: how do I feel, personally, as a Christian witch, about curses in the name of justice? How are we supposed to know God’s thoughts/feelings/opinions about enacting negative consequences for the sake of a good and just cause? I think that, with all things, it depends. 

Defense

I think using curses against someone who is abusing you in any way is entirely justified as self defense. I refuse to believe that God would want you to just lie there helpless and suffering if you have the means, any means, to stop it. 

Vengeance

 Now this is a big one, and the most complicated one. Especially if the person in question is a past abuser. I have a few of those in my life, and the temptation to curse them, is really powerful sometimes. It’s really hard, because one of the staples of Christianity is forgiveness. We’re taught to believe that those who are evil will get whats coming to them in the afterlife, therefore we do not need to seek retribution against them in this life. So I had to analyze my fundamental beliefs. Perhaps you too, could benefit from these questions:

Why did I become a Christian witch? What is it that I hope to get out of being a Christian witch? And the answer to that question is that I’m trying to be a better person, a better Christian. I am a Christian witch because I’m actually an incredibly hateful, angry, and violent person--I’m trying to use christian witchcraft to undo that. So to curse as a Christian witch would be hypocritical and counter-productive In My Case. Cursing For Me, would go against my core reasons for being a Christian witch.

Secondly, Do I accept letting God take responsibility for seeking vengeance on my behalf? I had to ask myself that--do I trust God? Do I relinquish control of justice into God’s hands? And again, because control issues and trust issues are major problems I’m struggling with, it is in line with my practice to say yes to those questions. To say no I don’t trust God and I don’t relinquish control when it comes to seeking justice, would be counter-productive against my core reasons for being a Christian witch.  

But if you have entirely different reasons why you are a Christian witch, then your answers might differ. 

Social Justice--Cursing Against Injustice in General

I always go back to this quote: “When we go before Him, God will ask, “Where are your wounds? And we will say, “I have no wounds.” And God will ask, “Was there nothing worth fighting for?”— Allan Boesak (via shaneclouw) 

To me, I very much believe that God would want us to stand up for those who are being persecuted. In these cases, things along the lines of “hexing white supremacists” is quite acceptable in my perspective. But that’s because I’m a fighter. 

Like I said, I’m a very violent and angry person. I have Zero issue with using violence for the sake of what I believe is right. BUT, not all Christians are like me. Some Christians are pacifists. I know people who are pure love, who are incapable of hate, who couldn’t hurt a fly if their life depended on it. Those are the kind of people that violent and angry people like me are supposed to protect. Does that make sense? 

Not all Christians choose to respond to injustice with bloodthirst the way that I do. And I can’t sit here and pretend that there is only one correct way to respond to injustice. Both the fighters and the lovers are important and necessary in the response to injustice. Your wounds don’t automatically have to come as a result of being violent. 

( This post is a cool resource fyi )

Protection Post and Hexes for BLM Movement from @littlewitchygreen

Talk to Your God

You don’t have to take my word for it. Try to pray, use divination, journal, ask for signs. Communicate with God. Easier said than done,  I know. And God sometimes specifically withholds answers because he wants to see what we’ll do. But I really don’t recommend just jumping into something so serious without having multiple talks with your deity about it first.

It’s Not Black and White

Take this post for example, what magic does the bible prohibit? a very good post. Except, shit’s just not that simple. For example, the Bible unequivocally says, “Thou Shall Not Kill” -- but if someone is attacking me, you bet your ass I’ll kill them without hesitation, remorse, or mercy. Another example, it explicitly prohibits contacting the dead. Well I Regularly speak to love ones that died at their grave--could that count as contacting? Maybe maybe not. The point is we Love to pretend that Religion is just So Simple and Black and White and it just fucking isn’t. We can’t box the creator of the universe into a dichotomy. 

Christian Alternatives

Protection Spells/Return to Sender

In some cases, protection spells can accomplish the same thing in a less malicious way, by simply keeping negativity the fuck away from you.

Ultimate Protection Magic Masterpost 

[part 1]

[part 2] 

Source: auricwitch

Baneful Magic Countermeasures from @breelandwalker

Return to Sender Protection Jar from @shroud-of-roses

Return to Sender Spell from @cyncrow

Return to Sender Masterlist from @the-canary

So you think you’ve been cursed from @sylvaetria

Banishing Spells

Definition: Banish--to forcefully remove something; to put an end to something. Source: lunaesteria. Banish--To magically end something, Or to rid the presence of. Definitely works on people. Source: unknown but not me sorry.

Methodology: 

Banishing - take an item that represents what you wish to banish and: throw it in the trash, flush it down the toilet, burn it, bury it, drown it; burn the item and sweep the ashes out the back door or bury them; carve the name of what you want to banish into a black candle and let it burn down completely; transmute negative energy into a stone (preferably a black stone like onyx) and throw it over the fence in your backyard (or whichever direction is south in reference to your home); stir your morning coffee or tea in a counter-clockwise motion while focusing on the intent of what energies you wish to banish for the day; using incense that is associated with banishing negative energy, walk around your space in a counter-clockwise motion with the lit incense in your hand. Source: lunaesteria

Specific Banishing Spells:

Other Examples of Banishing Spells and This One both from @sylvaetria

Christian Banishing: Banished with a Blessing

Binding Spells

Definition: Bind – to restrict the actions/behavior of someone or to tie them to another object, place, or situation Source: lunaesteria

spells – what’s a binding spell ..?

Methodology:

Binding & Sealing - wrap a string around a poppet or other representation of the target or item you wish to bind; put the poppet or other representation in a plastic bag filled with water and freeze it; place the item in a black box and seal it - store in a dark place or bury the box in your backyard; drip wax over the item. Source: lunaesteria

Specific Binding Spells: Search “witchcraft binding” on Tumblr and you will find a Ton of binding spells for a variety of different purposes/reasons. Unfortunately they are not compiled on a single post.

Christian Binding Spells:

Prayer to Bind someone who wishes you harm

I’m so Sorry I didn’t post the below spell I looked all over tumblr for the original person who posted it but I can’t find the post anywhere:

“Christian Witch Binding Spell

Disclaimer: This spell does not belong to me.  It belongs to Aslinn Dhan.  It’s in her Christian Witch’s Book of Shadows

Materials

Anthame Bowl

White and Black Candle

paper and pen

wand

Incense

Sacred Fire

salt water

Perform cleansing and the calling of the corners to begin each spell. Pour some of your water into a bowl and bless it with the sign of the cross. Using salt, cast your protective circle and light the white candle from your sacred fire. Place the candle in the center of your circle and with your wand intone:

Angels of the four corners, hear my cry. Carry my words to your Master and mine. Within this space stands one who believes Protect me and give me the strength I need.

Write the name of the one who is harassing you. Roll it like scroll or fold it and lay it in your sacred space.

On this paper is the name of who is vexing me. Bind them from harassing others, and me, from harming others or me. The harm they inflict comes back to them. By the power of three make it be. May their heart grow heavy with regret but may they make amends. St. Michael the Archangel, I ask your help in this matter.

Burn or otherwise destroy the paper.

Say the Lord’s Prayer.

Take up your wand and say

___________ I admonish you from harming yourself and others. Your hurtful ways harm not only others but yourself, Angels of the four corners, protect him from harm and protect others from being harmed by him.

Announce: Blessed Be!

Angels of the four corners carry the sentiment of this spell to God in heaven. May all of the elements of this spell enlighten me to help me to withstand evil and encourage those around me to put aside their evil ways that are harmful to themselves and to others. May all we do come back to us seven times.

Perform closing ritual.”

Why are Banishing and Binding Okay?

To some, they aren’t. To me, they are just more defensive. They aren’t saying “I specifically wish ill intent on you” it’s more along the lines of “I wish you would go away” and “I wish you would fucking stop doing that.” (Some will say you’re infringing upon free will with binding, but to that I say, I also fringe upon my dog’s free will when I stop her eating a doughnut off the counter idgaf free will is a myth.)

Tips for Cursing

You should never cast a curse unless you know how to undo it from @sylvaetria

How to undo a curse from @heatherwitch

Curse Breaking from @nightmarist

What I learned about Curses from @kendallscraft

Jinxes Hexes and Curses from @orriculum

Source: lunaesteria

✖ Spell & Curse Breaking ✖

Methods for negating spells you have cast:

Destroy the physical representation of the spell i.e. if your spell was contained within a jar, break the jar and dispose of the pieces

Disassemble the spell and cleanse each component individually

Place item in a bath of sea salt and dried herbs that are associated with cleansing and banishing - leave overnight and disassemble the spell when finished

Cleanse the item with moon or rain water and disassemble if applicable

Place the item in a black box to negate its effects

Bury the item for 3 days, retrieve it, then dispose of it

Bury the item on the night of the full moon and retrieve it at the next new moon

Create a sigil or written incantation with the intent of breaking the spell and place the item on top of the paper - leave in place overnight

Create a written incantation that includes the details of the spell - bury, burn, drown, rip apart, or throw it away

Light a black candle that is surrounded by sea salt while focusing on the intent of negating the spell - recite an incantation if you wish, and allow the candle to burn down; sweep the sea salt out your back door

Breaking and warding spells others have cast upon you:

Perform a “Return to Sender” spell - find a black taper candle; turn it upside down; cut the tip off and leave the wick in place; carve “return to sender” and the target’s name (or a description of them) into the candle; light the candle upside down and let it burn down completely

Leave a Witch Bottle outside of your home - it should contain items like: pins, needles, broken glass (to shred their negative intentions towards you); your name and the names of those who may be affected by this negative energy plus an incantation for protection (e.g. your loved ones, pets, anyone who lives in your home); and lemon juice, lime juice, or sea salt (to purify their negative energy so that it may not get to you)

Create a mixture of charcoal, chili powder, and sulfur powder - sprinkle around the perimeter of your home to stop a spell in its tracks

Alternately, you may combine these ingredients, add to a hollow pendant, and wear on your person to protect you from the effects of a spell

If you know the details of the spell that has been placed on you, write them down on paper; while focusing on breaking the spell, hold the paper in your hand, and then rip it to shreds; throw the pieces in the trash, or bury in your backyard

If you don’t know the exact details, write down the effects you have been feeling if you think they have been caused by a spell or malintent directed at you; follow the steps above

Submerge yourself in a bath of sea salt and light frankincense incense - place the incense on the edge of the tub or somewhere safe in your bathroom - to cleanse yourself of any negative energy that has been directed at you

Place an energetic shield over yourself or your home that is designed to negate negative energy

Tips: 

Close all loopholes

When crafting a spell, remember to create a fail safe (e.g. “this spell will be broken if X occurs”)

Add timed conditions to your spells (e.g. “this spell will be broken on the night of the next full moon” and include a specific date)

Be specific when describing the target that will be affected by the spell (whether it’s you or someone else, be sure to include taglocks whether it be their name written or spoken aloud, DNA such as hair, fingernail clippings, etc., or a photo of the target)

Use ingredients, supplies, and tools that match your intent

Employ a method of protection before casting spells, whether the intent is malefic or not

Cleanse your space and tools before and after performing a spell to “wipe the slate clean”

Herbs:

Ague, Angelica, Asafoetida, Bamboo, Basil, Bay Leaf, Benzoin, Boneset, Brimstone (Sulfur Powder), Burdock, Chili Pepper, Cinquefoil, Comfrey, Datura, Frankincense, Galangal, Garlic, Geranium, Holy Thistle, Huckleberry, Hydrangea, Iris Root (Orris Root), Lemon Verbena (Vervain), Lilac, Lily, Lucky Hand (Orchid Root), Mimosa, Myrrh, Nutmeg, Oak Moss, Onion, Oregano, Papaya, Patchouli, Peony, Pokeroot, Prickly Ash Bark, Rue, Safflower, Solomon’s Seal, St. John’s Wort, Stinging Nettle, Squill, Thistle, Toadflax, Turmeric, Vetiver, Willow, Wintergreen, Witches Grass (Dog Grass), Wormwood (Absinthe), Yarrow Flower, Yew, Yucca

Crystals:

Agate, Amber, Amethyst, Ametrine, Black Tourmaline, Bloodstone, Carnelian, Celestite, Chrysocolla, Citrine, Emerald, Epidote, Fire Opal, Fluorite, Garnet, Halite, Hematite, Howlite, Jet, Kunzite, Labradorite, Malachite, Natrolite, Obsidian, Ocean Jasper, Onyx, Selenite, Silver, Smoky Quartz, Sugilite, Sunstone, Turquoise

Jesus Christ I hope that covers everything. 

[werevulvi]

I'm starting to slowly understand that this de-transition I'm doing will probably always be pretty rough on me. I'm re-watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" for the millionth time. I guess, for being about a hyper-feminine, conventionally attractive girl, it's pretty empowering. And Giles is definitely my favourite, British dork. Buffy is empowering because she really doesn't need anyone to help her out, except when she wants help. She's the furthest thing from a helpless damsel in distress, but she's also vulnerable and in many ways, like any other teenage girl.

I guess I can relate to that, on the level of depths I rarely swim in. Except in reverse. Like I look really masculine, male, and very different from other women, but on the inside I'm still vulnerable, and understanding the world from having been socialised female, like I guess most women are, to various degrees. And I guess I'm holding onto that. Sometimes too much. Sometimes... even to my detriment.

But when your womanhood is almost literally hanging by a thread, and you treasure it... it's easy to clutch too damn hard at it, as if your life somehow depended on that grip. And I guess that's how Buffy got me thinking, really a lot. Thoughts that have been passing through my mind for a while now, finally stuck around long enough for me to grasp.

It feels like there's just no ideal solution for me. I'm still generally at a pretty good place with my gender and presentation now. There's nothing I really wanna change, except from going back on testosterone. But how satisfied am I really? That's the difficult question. I get these moments here and there, when I get... you know, sad. I guess I get jealous of women who still look like women. Like Buffy, and all those other female characters that I relate to (all three of them, lol.) Their ability to blend into society as one of the females. That which I once used to take for granted, and barely even was aware of, and did not even like.

As a teen and throughout most of my 20's, I didn't like the idea of "blending in" or looking "normal" as I saw that as equal to disappearing and becoming insignificant. I liked standing out, to look like a someone, instead of a no one. But for the past couple of years? Not so much. I don't have that same mindset anymore. Now I understand that when people don't pay attention to what I look like... they finally notice my personality. And I really like that. I feel no need to have an alternative style for the sake of expressing myself anymore, although I'm still drawn to tattoos and piercings. If anything, it rather hinders people from truly listening to me, because they're too busy judging my appearance!

Whether I stand out now or not, well... I do have kind of a choice over. Just not so much in my favour. Or well, it is, but at the same time not. I can blend in among men as a "normal" looking guy, which takes no effort and has become my go-to, but I can never do that as a woman. I mean, I'm not just recognised as a woman who is ugly or looks weird, or "too" masculine. I'm not recognised as a woman at all.

And yeah, sure, I'm fine with that. Not a big deal.

But sometimes I still mourn the loss of my ability to be seen as a woman, and not look like trash while doing it. Sometimes... I can't help but struggling to look at myself. It just gets so raw sometimes, and I feel ugly. Society's beauty standards still has a certain choke hold on me. I can't break free from that over night. Especially since I was a makeup addict for a really long time and only just recently stopped wearing makeup altogether. Especially since I struggled with an eating disorder, which I only just recovered from a few years ago. Especially since I previously used sex with men as a way to seek value and worth, but found the opposite, yet still crave that harmful lifestyle. I'm barely a stone's throw away from being the slave of femininity I once was. Perhaps transitioning was my unconscious way of attempting to break free from it. Yes, I think there could be some truth to that. I revel in my masculinity now, but the wounds femininity caused in me, still hurt. It took me about this long to even understand their existence.

My mind still makes these connections, that by "woman standards" I look... absolutely hideous. Bearded, balding, scars for tits, hair all over my body. Yeah, great. I feel disfigured. Like some kind of abomination. I'm just gonna have to live with that knowledge, and what it does to me.

Because sometimes I get lost in what I think other people must think I look like, as soon as I tell them I'm actually a woman. I've gotten looks of disgust from that, and I guess I just haven't quite figured out how to handle that sorta thing yet.

I know that every time I've tried to "present as female" again, I've regretted it and felt absolutely horrible. On one hand it's tragic, because societal beauty standards still make me break down over my appearance sometimes, in desperate attempts to make myself look beautiful again... and that's when I feel the claws of femininity scratching me up from within, all over again. That endless chase for unobtainable, so called "beauty" and the failure that's bound to follow. And I guess it's a little bit sad, that I think I look a lot hotter as a man, than I ever even could as a girl or woman, and that could be part of why I hold onto my male-like appearance as a comfort in my newfound masculinity.

But is that so bad?

This harsh weather of self-discovery demands a comfort blanket. But on the other hand, most days I actually feel great about the way I look, and I can even manage to still feel good about the way I look when I see myself as a woman. That is great progress!

I'm actually starting to be able to connect my womanhood with my masculinity, and when I do, I feel great. That's my "good days" and I have a lot more of them than those "bad days" when I feel disfigured. Because that feeling is relative, not objective. It's relative, not only to social gender norms for men and women respectively, but also to my own inner norms of my own gender, which are highly influenced by the norms of the society I live and grew up in. And I've noticed I actually have the power to adjust that broken compass within me that struggles to connect my appearance with my mind.

I think my dysphoria broke quite badly, when I started poking around in it. I mean, not only do I get envious of other women (who have not transitioned) but as soon as I present as female, I instead get jealous of men again, and feel even worse about the way I look! It's a catch 22!

I do not know what my tired, dysphoric heart craves, or if any physical change would really help me feel better. I still regret my top surgery, but no kinds of reconstructed boobs would be able to fill that empty void. Because it's not nearly as much physical as it is psychological. It's missing and grieving something very specific, which cannot ever return. And that too... I just have to live with.

However, I'm again trying out wearing fake boobs. Small sock tits in sports bras. As often as my deformed ribs can handle. It quickly gets very painful in the dents I caused by binding pre-op. I ordered some oversized sports bras and gel insertions, that I'm impatiently waiting for to arrive! In the mean time I try to make do with what I have, which is too small and too tight, but for an hour here and there, is alright. I feel good with the illusion of small boobs, something like barely a B-cup at most. It feels more like my body when it's not board flat, and it makes me feel better about being curvy as well. Otherwise I still wear the same men's clothes I'd usually wear. Flannels, jeans, hoodies, suits, etc. That's perfect. It feels a lot like me.

I really should have left my chest be. But I didn't. And that's okay. I'll manage.

I reach out to testosterone again for comfort. Familiar comfort that always made me feel better, and badass. I know it won't take my pain away. But honestly, that's okay. I actually want to keep my pain, anyway. Because it helps me heal and feel stronger again. I don't like being in pain, but I feel like it's rebuilding me, strengthening me from within, and forces me to re-think what's not working. Pain is my guide to comfort. That fire in my ass that keeps me moving.

So yeah, I'll live.

I'll keep breaking down sometimes, and feel like I made myself into the ugliest woman on Earth, but even that, I can draw some kinda power from. Being proudly ugly is definitely something I can do! And then I feel untouchable. When I remind myself that my "ugliness" is not only entirely subjective, but also... entirely deliberate. That I choose to not try to salvage my thinning head hair, because I do not need it. That I choose to let my beard grow out, because it brings me comfort. That I choose to keep my chest flat, despite all my difficult feelings I have about it, because it allows me to go topless and braless. And so on.

My deliberate ugliness, worn with pride and survival... I'd say is quite beautiful. That's what keeps me going. Dated: January 7th, 2021.

[cristalknife]

On Comments, feedback anxiety on both the writer and the reader’s side

 If one could look into  my WIP draw, or take a glance at the fics I’ve actually posted, it becomes clear misunderstandings based on miscommunication is something I seem have a thing for. In all honesty is more of a lifelong study and recurring theme I keep stumbling on or consciously walking into. Preface: I am only human and mistakes can happen, but usually I try to handle the detailed label (also referred as Read the Tin or as written on the tin) of major warning with my writings that is usually missing in any other aspect of life, sort of a lovely user manual/preview so one could know to walk away before getting invested or worse triggered. 

Or at least know exactly what they signed up for.

Is it perfect? No but at least it’s there, as a writer I did all I could to avoid unpleasantness, the rest it’s up to the reader’s discretion. Which leads me to the heart of this post: comments, feedbacks, criticism, politically correctness, manners and the anxiety they produce in both the writer and the reader. 

The picture is big so I’ll divide in sides, but remember that people are made of multiple sides, and sometimes those sides are at odds or outwardly warring against each other. That’s pretty average for any irrational human being with emotions.

From the POV of an overthinking anxious writer:

1)  Ao3′s Kudos are sort of like a watered down thumbs up, after about 4-5 fic posted (or ~15K words of stories out there to be consumed), they became the kind of anxiety triggers feeding thoughts of why so many people/guests left a kudo but the story wasn’t good enough to warrant the time of a comment/review 2) Comments are lovely reminder someone found something in your words that made them react so strongly they felt like sharing that reaction with you was worth their time. 

2.1) Comments are also the cause of anxiety about their content before you have the courage to read what they says...

3) Criticisms and feedbacks can be a wonderful tool to improve your writing for the next story. But not if they are laced with insult, personal attacks in that case they are the kind of black hole that pushes people to stop writing all together, or at least stop sharing what they write. 

4) single emoji (♥), 2 char long (<3) comments takes years of effort and a lot of conditioning to remember to slip in reader mode and appreciate the effort it took to stop and do even that, instead of allowing doubts to gnaw at the back of your head with waaaiiiiit that’s all? was it good? was it bad? arrrghhh what does it even mean??? 

5) Statistics and numbers, those are the evilest of the most buggering things and the most vile tempters that will push you to compare your stories against others (a futile exercise in frustration and pointless reason to shred one’s own self confidence to the tiniest of pieces for literally nothing)

5.1) Especially when you have two writing mind frames: 

 writing the stories you want to read (and usually it is either a niche where you’ve already consumed all you could find so you write it because duh, more content might ignite back the fire please, or you haven’t found yet someone to say it how you want to read it) vs what I simply call 

 exorcism writing (the kind of free therapy exercise when something is bugging the heck out you and not leaving your mind so you put it down to words and then let them fly free, instead of trapping them on a diary you’d just return to read and start the vicious cycle all over again)

5.1.1) and your exorcism stories become more popular than the stories you want to read, because at the end of your raw ranting exorcism you managed to write something that would end up falling within mainstream tropes. Which just makes you sad because those were not the result of love and planning and endless hours of writing and editing that you put in your other stories.

6) I’m not writing fan fiction to be an educator, it is possible that my day job is being an educator, but unless I’m there writing textbooks, as a writer it is not my responsibility to teach the reader something that has to be authentic, realistic and a good practice. I’m just here to tell a story.  Or are you really telling me that you watch superheros movies and series and expect them to appear outside your window? If you just laughed then why are you looking at fanfic smut with the expectation of finding a more interesting and alternative way to have a sex ed lesson? If you subscribe to the school that a story has has to make sense... Let me ask have you ever read some of the greatest literature works like Frankenstain, Moby Dick, The Hobbit, Journey to the center of the Earth, Alice through the looking glass, Aeneas, if you did and subscribe to “fiction as to make sense” then please please enlighten me I’m rady to sit back and hear all the points you can make how any of those are realistic representations of how things go. If you  says that those are just stories told oh so long ago... Lets pick more recent ones, the Harry Potters books, Goosebumps, Twilight, The Shadowhunters Chronicles, 50 shades of , all those are listed as fiction  which yes sadly too many used as a portrait of theme touched in there as realistic because the story was not set in a fantastical world and made the mistake of treating a work of fiction as a documentary... Sorry people I’m a writer, choosing the right words matters, words meanings and definitions matter please  learn to think critically, and learn your words, there is a difference between fiction and documentary  6.1) At the same time it might be that I am the kind of writer who loves to add factually authentic things in my writings, someone who actually had spent hours and hours on research to make sure that what they have been writing is not utter and complete made up rubbish, and that’s ok too. I do not expect readers to assume it is correct or that it is purely made up, and if someone is curious they could use the comment to ask a question, I’ve never turned out a curious question, even when it was difficult to answer it

7) Just because I am writing about something, it doesn’t mean I support it...  Again those are stories, not a scientific report on a lab experiment, I can write about abusive relationships, doesn’t mean I support them, I could write about self harm or depression, doesn’t mean I am encouraging those behaviors, in fact those usually come with a Trigger Warning, why? because a reader should have the option to walk away from what should be just a moment of pleasure and relax, not finding themselves triggered because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise of what was going to come in a story posted on the internet... 8) This far I’ve personally chosen to not push for comment, no beg necessary, I decided years ago to be the kind of self centered bad ass who writes for themselves, who’s not going to dangle the promises of more chapters in exchange for comments, I dislike the practice, and I find too exhausting shouting left and right hey hey I’ve written this read it read it... So I do get why my stories do not have such a large audience, it doesn’t help I’ve actually posted way less than what I’ve written over the years. I do welcome comments, though I have no clue on how to respond to short ones, or a single emoji/<3 to all chapters to those I end up answering only to the most recent one of that person and thank for their support. Longer comments are easier to answer because it gives me something to say back or comment/thanks for, though it becomes weird for me when someone speculate on future developments in what they wish to see, and since I’ve recently adopted the policy of posting only completed stories (even for the chaptered ones that will not be posted at the same time, the number of total chapter is not an estimation it is exactly the number of files I’ve divided the story into for reasons) because I do know whether something of that sort will happen or not, and I don’t want to put someone out of my story if they are too invested in see what they imagined happen... Though as I do write stories I’d like to read I’m quick to encourage aspiring writers to feel free to take that what if and work with it, just to please mention that my story inspired theirs and that I’d love to see what they come up with. Constructive criticisms, I do not have a beta for most of my works, I do not work too well depending on other people’s time, I confess even in the past I received criticisms that were not constructive if we push the boundaries and call those criticisms rather than just plain old complains, which is sort of the reason why I stopped explicitly encouraging communication. Because I do expect respect, you don’t know anything about me or what I believe in, you might make some guesses from my profile because I haven’t been shy and pretty open on them, but I won’t accept being personally attacked or talked to in a disrespectful manner just because you didn’t like what I wrote. I have no problem accepting criticisms, as long as they are criticisms and not just whining. You cannot come to me with “I hate your story” and leave it at that, you already took the time to express your opinion instead of simply walking away, the least you can do is explaining why... Otherwise I seriously don’t get why you wasted both of yours and more importantly my time and energies... From the POV of a spoonie reader who barely has the energy to read: 1)  Ao3′s Kudos are a life saver that allows you to show your appreciation (even if you are allowed only one as registered user) with only a click (and some times even that click takes so much out of you) instead of relegating you to invisible reader, barely visible number (*coughs*ff.net*coughs*)  or forcing you to make a story a favorite/followed 

2) Comments are the source of anxiety, because you might want to show support but would they get that or would it sound strange? will the author understand that a a ghsafdgsakdjfh (read: key smash) happened with excitement and love and you’ve no other words to express it? 2.1) also trying to put your support in words when you are in your pj cozily being a blanket burrito and reading from your phone in bed because there’re no more spoon left for the day it’s hard 

3) The author asked for R&R, or welcomes comments and constructive criticism. You loved the story enough to spend energies to

point out things that were plain plot hole or downright inconsistency or lose ends, pointing out botched translations from your own mother tongue and offering correction that were not google translated, in ao3 case pointing out lack of some appropriate tags, which would have 1 improved your story’s visibility and 2 allowed the reader to choose whether they wanted to read it or not both points that would have benefit you as author...

Only for the author to react: 

- badly with a why are you such a nitpick hadn’t anyone told you that you should just stay silent if you have nothing nice to tell me? - Excuse me you’re the one asking for my opinion not my adoration, I gave you exactly what you asked for, if you cannot handle your work being nitpicked or the holes in your plot being publicly poked then there’re fabulous people called Beta reader who will give you the needed dose of though love in private get one..

- badly with a don’t like don’t read -  legit reader’s counter point is  I wouldn’t have read it if you had given me a way to know then what I discovered now  [personal addendum, on a not that well low energy day it takes me less about 3 mins and half to read 1.5K words don’t came at me on your 1k long story and tell me I could have stopped reading when I noticed it wasn’t that good for me...I was done with it before I could get any warning]

- dismissively because a meet cute  clearly is an AU  - Bless your heart if you need me to point out to you that there is a difference between an Alternative Universe (AU) and a Canon Divergence and the fact that   meet cute is a trope  which in fandoms usually implies different circumstances within the fandom’s canon world  of the first meeting between the characters in the main relationship but doesn’t automatically include different premises for the character example: 

in canon: characters from a magical supernatural fandom one a wizard with magic, one a fighter with superhuman speed and holy weapons, in their first meeting the fighter saved the wizard’s life. 

in a meet cute:  a wizard and a fighter with superhuman speed and holy weapons meet in the middle of the forest where the fighter was hunting for food failing miserably and the wizard took pity on the fighter and offered to share their dinner, if the fighter dared to step inside the wizard’s home

in a No Power/Human AU meet cute: where there is no magic, one of the two is a barista who uses flirty coffee jokes lines to call the other’s person order, and finally discover they are an accountant so instead they start using math puns to get the accountant’s attention. 

Those are all valid stories but as an author don’t came at me believing that just because you mention a trope that is enough to distinguish between the 2° and 3° examples, or that having mentioned the trope gives you the standing to look down at me if I do have my own reasons that you do not know about  for wanting to read only stories like the second pitch and get upset but still tell you in a polite way that there are missing tags in your story, especially when you’ve falsely advertise your 3° like pitch as if it was a 2° one and I get upset and let you know about it and do so with the curtesy of signing it with my name rather than leave an guest/anonymous comment 

- shrugging off issues with the tags with a Oh but I’m bad at tagging  -

then I have 3 things to say to you buddy one) that’s not an excuse if you haven’t learnt how to do it yourself get a beta, get a friend, read more and compare what your story tells with a similar one and how that one is tagged, there’re ways Ignorance is not an excuse; 

two) you can’t claim you’re bad at tagging but then refuse to listen when someone is pointing out to you more tags for your story, dud learn how search engines work, searching by tag is basically having a filtered search, the more tags your fit your story the more venues your story can appear in reader’s search for something to read... which means visibility for your work, are you really telling me that you dislike to have that and would prefer less people reading what you post? then sorry but I think you’re doing it wrong and should get a diary instead, not post them on the internet.

addendum: still claiming to be bad at it after having posted over 40 stories and all posted in recent times in the span of a couple of months, just suggest you lack the intelligence to learn how to do things. Which only encourages me to never ever get close to your works, certainly to never promote or share them if not actively discouraging my friends from spending their time on them.

three) and guess what?  there is a frikking I'm Bad At Taggingtag for that too!!!

As a reader I might be ranting in this post, but the long effect of those is a growing apathy and increased unwillingness to spend my energies for commenting unless I’d really really really really liked or loved a story, or I have something more than a one liner to share, which while I intellectually know it might be unfair to let the whole pay for the disrespect of few, my own survival instinct is glad I’m not spreading myself even thinner...

truthful disclaimer: in all fairness it has been my experience, that those reactions usually come from authors with already quite few stories or a decent word count out there. 

New authors are still very much enthusiastic and happy about even the smallest crumbs of recognition or encouragement, which in return is lovely because it recognise that my own time and energy as reader are worthy, that it does take effort to share an opinion or encouragement or suggestion.

4) The author might never know how that day I posted that single emoji, or two character <3,  it was one of those bad days when even opening a small water bottle to swallow down the painkillers was too much, when using a finger to scroll down the page to reach the end of the story had wiped out more energies than I could really afford and yet I still pushed myself to leave a sign that I was there and appreciated their story

5) readers should be allowed to have the “if you thought writing was hard, try commenting other people words” tag...  because sometimes especially on older platforms (yes ff.net I’m looking at you) as a reader I can’t find the energies to wipe up something to say so I become a silent invisible reader. And sometimes it’s really that I am able to stand only stories with certain characteristics, personally for example I do not have the emotional fortitude to read more a certain amount of Work In Progress at the same time across multiple fandoms because my brain can’t recall all the details and I might not feel to rereading the story from the beginning every single time there is a new chapter... 6) Maybe it’s because I’m way out of my teens, maybe it’s because even in my teens and before stories were my safe place, my escape, I do not expect things to be factually correct in stories, but I am a logic driven person, I will see those plot holes and I might even poke through 'em if I find your story good enough that I feel it would be a pity not pointing those things out. You cannot tell a classic vampire story (not the twilight kind of sun sparkling vampires but the sun burn me to ashes kind) and have your group of vampires prancing about at noon of a clear summer day without some sort of reason for that to work. I promise you, I’m not picky, I will accept ridiculous reasons like they were standing under and umbrella covered from head to toes and none of their skin was exposed to the sunlight, but do put the effort to give me a reason why I should believe it was intentional, or do not cry and complain if I do decide to point out dude you’ve normal vampires that are sunbathing and did not become piles of ashes that’s not plausible... 7) Stories are just that, something to listen to, they don’t have to have a moral for them to be worthy of being shared, they don’t have to be a mirror  of your thoughts, or they could be a mirror of your beliefs, and if I am commenting on them I’m commenting on the story itself not your connection to it. And I do need you to advertise in advance if there’re things that might be triggerish, because what might be  just a mental exercise of stepping outside your shoes, if not done might result in me walking into a panic attack while maybe I was just recuperating for one and trying to find comfort or a distraction. While I as a reader cannot know you author and where you come from, unless you want to make an ass of u and me do not assume you know where I am or what path I’m walking in my life as a reader.  8) I despise people telling me what to do, especially if I didn’t ask for an opinion... If someone (who doesn’t have an economical or authorative position over me) demands me to do something the chances I’ll be do it, especially if I was going to do it before, become nil instantaneously. I’ve been running and lurking in writing circles and fanfictions for closer to three decades at the time this is being written, and from the very beginning I found disgusting and deplorable the practice some authors adopted of bargaining reaching certain numbers of comments/kudos in exchange for the next chapter. I can respect an author saying I don’t want to get this or that, but the final result is that most likely I would walk away without commenting even if it would have been a story I would have otherwise supported. There’re few authors I do know personally, at least superficially through other channels, that have this kind of disclaimers and I still comment. But that’s because I have an appreciation and will to support the person themselves who also happened to be authors. 

[pumpkinpaix]

hi again! previous anon here, just remembered a question. there's something that's been nagging at me about the show's lan parents storyline — LXC tells WWX that story about his parents and it seems like it's meant as a parallel for LWJ and WWX. But the Lan parents thing sounded like a super toxic/unhealthy relationship? like their mom was literally being kept against her will... maybe i'm just missing the nuance for the parallel? would love to hear your thoughts on this!

(ask con’t, sorry it’s long) i’ve just gotten out of a bad relationship not too long ago and gets really leery of cdramas portraying control as love (ie one love interest preventing the other from leaving, or clear power imbalances as with period dramas). i really don’t think that’s what’s happening here but got kind of uncomfortable too at the “i want to bring someone back to gusu/hide them away” line LWJ had earlier. might you have an alternate interpretation? i’m almost sure i’m misreading!

So a couple things first: thank you so much for asking me this question because my thoughts about the untamed/mdzs have been so much and turbulent that having a specific thing to focus on is really helpful, AND it’s also really flattering that you think I??? would have worthwhile thoughts???? about this really complicated thing.

Second: I want to make sure to say that no matter how strongly I feel about my interpretation, no matter how long I spend composing this response, you are not obligated to change how you feel. If that line still bothers you, it still bothers you. Our experiences are different! And it’s okay! That being said, haha, buckle up I guess, because WOW do I have a lot of things to say.

Spoilers up through episode 43, obviously, with allusions to the novel. I will try to keep any details about things that happen post-43 vague.

Let’s begin with this moment:

“Was he right to do this?” || “I don’t know.”

[id: image 1 is a screenshot of lan xichen asking “was he right to do this” and image 2 is a screenshot of wei wuxian responding “i don’t know” from episode 43 of the untamed /end id]

I think we need to think about how to answer this question before we can answer your question: how can we interpret the relationship between lan wangji and lan xichen’s parents? Was it moral? Was it okay? Was it right? This is clearly a question that lan xichen has been wrestling with his whole life. And from this scene, I think that he’s made his peace with the fact that it’s always going to be a question for him, not because the inherent morality is unclear, but because of the emotional subjectivity he’s always going to hold for it. He doesn’t expect wei wuxian to have an answer because he doesn’t have an answer himself.

Something that I remember from the novel that doesn’t make it into this scene, though, is what wei wuxian says after lan xichen asks, “can you understand why my father acted this way?” and he nods, is the explanation he gives: he hated the person who had murdered his mentor, but he also loved her so much he couldn’t bear to see her destroyed. Unable to live with himself, he married her, swore to protect her, and then imprisoned her for the rest of her life. Tormented by his contradictions, he then locked himself away as well. lan xichen agrees.

lan wangji and lan xichen were raised without their parents—largely, they were raised by their upright uncle, who, due to his brother’s behavior, took up the responsibilities of sect leader and parent at the same time. (It’s really no wonder that lan qiren has such a vicious dislike for wei wuxian: he loves lan wangji so much, and he’s so afraid to watch the child he raised repeat history. Beyond that, I think it’s pretty safe to say that lan qiren probably harbors not insignificant resentment towards his brother for the harm he did to both his children and to lan qiren himself.) Lan qiren is not married and as far as we know, never has any romantic entanglements after he begins raising the lan brothers. So where does that leave lan wangji and lan xichen in terms of models for romance? All they have is the fraught relationship between their parents. 

lan wangji is not good with words. He expresses himself primarily through action, which we see time and time again. When lan wangji says to lan xichen, “there’s someone I want to take back to the cloud recesses. take them back and hide them away,” I think he’s trying to explain (with words) his feelings for wei wuxian in the only way he knows how: by making a reference to the only romantic relationship to which he and lan xichen were firsthand witnesses. lan xichen canonically understands wangji better than pretty much everyone: he sees straight through him at Biling lake when he invites wei wuxian and jiang cheng along to hunt the water spirits because he knows lan wangji wants wei wuxian to come. He asks if he wants loquats even when wangji refuses them. So when lan wangji says that, lan xichen first repeats the statement carefully to make sure he understands what’s at stake, and then he says something very crucial: “you only fear that he isn’t willing”.

I think this says a lot— specifically, that both lan xichen and lan wangji understand firsthand the pain their father caused and what exactly was wrong about it. I think what lan wangji is saying between the lines is, “I’m in love with someone. I want to take them home with me. I want to hide them away from the world to protect them. I fear this makes me like our father, whose love led him to do such terrible things to our mother, and by extension, to us and our uncle. I can’t repeat his mistakes.” And lan xichen, understanding all of that, gets to the heart of lan wangji’s inner conflict: wei wuxian is not willing, and lan wangji refuses to follow in his father’s footsteps, no matter how tormented he feels about the person he loves, no matter how much he wants to.

Every time lan wangji tries and fails to get wei wuxian to return with him to gusu, it’s with the intention of trying to help him, trying to protect him from the other sects, trying to pull him back before he does something unforgivable, much like his father’s motivations for bringing his mother back to gusu (“he swore that this was his beloved wife and that anyone who wished to hurt her [for her crimes] would have to go through him”), but unlike his father, lan wangji never forces wei wuxian to do anything. He never keeps him locked up, never forcibly kidnaps him. Not only that, but lan wangji is also willing to fight wei wuxian when he believes that wei wuxian is doing something inadmissible: heis the only one to stand against his initial forays into demonic cultivation, and physically confronts him on the roof at the nightless city. Would he have actually followed through on killing him, had things gone differently? Maybe, maybe not, but at the very least, it shows that he, unlike his father, was willing to try to destroy the person he loved when he crossed the line.

Anon, you’re right that there’s a parallel between the lan parents and wangxian, but I think the key is how they parallel each other. Lan wangji doesn’t repeat his father’s mistakes. When he finally does bring wei wuxian back to gusu and hide him away to protect him, wei wuxian is not there against his will, and, I think also importantly, lan wangji is with him. It’s no accident that lan wangji’s residence is the jingshi, the place his mother was imprisoned for his whole life, and it’s no accident that he brings wei wuxian there. But lan wangji doesn’t lock him there and abandon him like his father did with his mother: he’s there with him the whole time. Lan wangji, when all is said and done, is finally ready to stand by wei wuxian in spite of everything he did, unlike his father, who couldn’t do so with his wife: couldn’t destroy her, couldn’t stand with her. lan wangji makes his choice. “I regretted that I couldn’t stand with you at the nightless city.” The parallel is one that emphasizes contrast in spite of similarity.

All this ties vaguely into bigger themes present within the story, particularly the tensions between freedom/restriction and parents/children. These are like, two whole other essays haha, so I won’t get too deep into the weeds (unless you or anyone else wants to ask me!!! bc, anon, believe me, I would BE WILLING!!!) but:

1. lan wangji and wei wuxian are fundamentally very similar people, even if their personalities are not. They have incredibly strong moral compasses and want nothing more than to be righteous and to live with clear consciences about their choices. The difference is in how they go about that. wei wuxian chafes under rules, breaks them when he finds them unjust or unimportant, and thinks that he doesn’t deserve to be punished. When lan wangji finds that his moral compass conflicts with the rules he chooses to live by, he prioritizes his own sense of justice, much like wei wuxian, but he also accepts the punishments that are given to him without complaint. wei wuxian cherishes freedom over all while lan wangji lives under strict regulation, but the point is that they both take it too far. wei wuxian is righteous to the point of arrogance, flaunts his peers’ judgments and warnings to his eventual downfall. lan wangji, after doing what he thinks is right, allows himself to be punished without protest so severely he’s bedridden and imprisoned for three years. I would say neither of these approaches is… ideal, and I think that’s part of why wangxian feels so profound. They temper each other’s worst weaknesses. (rereading this, i’m not sure i’m 100% behind everything I just said lol, but again, an essay for another time)

2. Like lan wangji is paralleled with his father, wei wuxian is paralleled with his mother, zangse-sanren: free-spirited, mischievous, and ultimately meeting a tragic end for the choices she made out of that desire for freedom. He too is able to eventually escape his mother’s fate, just as lan wangji escapes his father’s. The parallels between parent and child are strong for almost all the mains, though not all of them manage to free themselves and achieve some measure of happiness, and this in itself relates to the even bigger questions of what matters more: your heritage, or your actions? Your heritage, or your upbringing? What can you do to avoid making the same mistakes as your predecessors?

I’ve already talked about this wrt wei wuxian and lan wangji, but the same goes for characters like jiang cheng, jin zixuan, wen qing, wen ning, mianmian, jin guangyao, su she, nie huaisang, jin ling, lan sizhui, ouyang zizhen, xiao xingchen, song lan, xue yang etc. like the list is endless. Part of why mdzs/the untamed is so heartwrenching is watching history repeat itself while the protagonists, who are also acutely aware, are nearly powerless to stop it. The juniors end up being the breaking from all that: willing to defy their parents, make their own decisions about right and wrong, recognize that a person’s actions should speak louder than the rumors that run on their account.

tl;dr: the lan parents’ relationship is toxic and hurtful to everyone around them. wangxian absolutely parallels it, but in a way that highlights how they differ from their predecessors, tying into larger thematic issues of the story.

eek that was almost 2k words yikes!! I hope my enthusiastic rambling helped you see that “take them back, hide them away” line in a different light haha, but I want to say again: you’re not obligated to take my interpretation as fact, and you also don’t have to think everything about wangxian is perfect to still like it. We all consume and like imperfect stories! I totally get your feelings on weird power dynamics/inequalities in relationships because… it’s abusive? it’s terrible? It hurts to see?? esp given what you said about your own experience, like yeah, for sure!!! but for me? when lan wangji says, “I want to take someone back to the cloud recesses—take them back, hide them away”, it reads as a really powerful, self-aware expression of what it means for someone like him to fall in love.

EDIT 16 APR 2020: I find myself only agreeing with ~85% of this after many months of reflection. /o\ *hides face* leaving it as-is because it’s what I wrote at the time, but! you know. I have changed some of my views.

[addictivegerard]

why the prolife argument makes no sense

I think it’s hilarious how right wing “facts don’t care about your feelings” activists are almost always pro-life. The argument against abortion as an accessible form of birth control is 100% an emotional appeal, and here’s why:

1. “You have no right to kill your fetus. It’s not your body, the baby is an individual and has the right to life.”: 

Of course, all embryos are human individuals, separate from their mothers. They have their own unique DNA composition, and are definitely alive. But do they deserve the right to life, which would make abortion equivalent to murder?

Pro-lifers are largely okay with IVF, an industry that throws away and destroys millions of fertilized embryos every day. In-vitro fertilization is an uncertain science, so couples are advised to fertilize multiple eggs in the labs in case the first few don’t work out. If a couple succeeds and have extra embryos left, they have the option to continue paying to store them in the lab, donate them to medical research, or destroy them. 

Anti-abortion bills always have exceptions for IVF clinics. Republican, pro-life lawmakers have literally had children via IVF. If a pro-lifer ever tells you that life begins at conception and that every embryo has the right to life, know that it’s bullshit. They don’t care about an industry that kills more embryos in a day than Planned Parenthood does in a year.

2. There are two possible responses to this.

A) “Fine, let’s ban IVF.” Out of all the conservative groups in America, only one major group explicitly stands against IVF – the Catholic Church. The same organization that condemns sex before marriage, homosexuality, divorce, masturbation/porn, the use of condoms, getting drunk or high, and tattoos. At this point, I’m assuming you understand that the Church’s ideas of morality are regressive, illogical, primitive, and… make life extremely boring. IVF is a wonderful science that brings children to parents who want them all over the world and is in no way a bad thing.

B) “Fine. Maybe not at conception, but at [x] months, it’s a baby.” This is the point where most conservatives start arguing about the point up till you should be allowed to have an abortion. Two weeks? Six weeks? Three months? Unfortunately, there is no scientific way to determine when an embryo is no longer just a clump of cells and now a human being with rights.

Since pro-lifers are okay with IVF, we can assume they don’t believe in the right to life at conception. How about the heartbeat theory? At six weeks, the fetus develops a heartbeat, and proponents argue that it is the point at which the fetus is no longer simply a fetus, but a human being. However, having a heartbeat doesn’t necessarily mean you have the right to life.

Legally, if you are brain dead, you’re… dead. You no longer have the right to life, which is why organ donation is possible. All this while having a heartbeat, so that’s clearly not a viable hallmark of an individual that inherently has the right to life. So while it's true that at six weeks a baby develops (what is flimsily termed as) a heartbeat, that doesn't somehow give it rights to life that it did not have before. So far, I haven’t come across any other sensible theories as to “when” an embryo deserves the right to life. It’s a lousy concept to begin with, as blurry as the legal definition of adulthood – not all 18+ year olds are mature and nothing fundamentally changes in a person once the clock strikes midnight. Similarly, embryo development is a process. There’s really no point at which you can logically claim it’s transformed into a human being with rights.

3. Evidently, there are two extremes — life begins at conception, vs life doesn’t begin until birth. 

There’s no “scientific backing” for a point in between, but you’ll never find a pro-choice advocate arguing in favor of the latter, because it’s called an extreme for a reason. The best way to deal with the abortion issue at this point is to leave the science and technicalities alone, and think about the people who are actually getting abortions.

4. “Use protection and you won’t get pregnant”: 

Protection is never 100% reliable. Plus: if two people are irresponsible enough to have unprotected sex, what makes you think they’re responsible enough to have and raise children? The number of children growing up with unqualified, immature, abusive, or neglectful parents automatically disproves the theory that parenthood brings about a sense of personal responsibility. Being raised by bad parents inflicts often irreparable damage on children. Treating babies as some sort of “divine punishment” for irresponsible sex, instead of human beings who deserve a stable upbringing, is harmful on both an individual and collective scale. The data on irresponsible, neglectful, or abusive childhoods/single parent childhoods speaks for itself. In the quest to punish irresponsible parents, most of the damage is inflicted on their children, which in turn impacts the generation that will lead us forward into the future. It is in our best interests to raise as many mature, healthy, and productive young adults as possible, and while not every child born into these circumstances live lives of mental health/psychological/intimacy issues and criminal behavior, a large majority do. Growing up with bad parents is simply not ideal for an impressionable child’s wellbeing. Quality of life > quantity of life.

5. “Don’t have sex if you don’t want to have children.”:

Unhelpful, unrealistic, and telling of no real desire to solve the problem at hand. Telling people not to have sex unless they deliberately intend to have children is like telling people not to smoke, drink too much, or eat unhealthily. People will have sex. What are we going to do to make sure the sex doesn’t lead to unplanned pregnancies?

6. “Okay but what about xyz who had an abortion and has regretted it ever since?”: 

Abortion is a result of unplanned and unfortunate circumstances. Whether it’s because the doctor tells you your baby will be stillborn or born with a fatal illness, or if you were raped, or if you had sex with your boyfriend during your first year of college and found yourself pregnant: these are bad situations, and no matter what you do, there’s always a chance you’ll look back and wish you’d done things differently. Kept the baby? Well, maybe you’ll find that the baby brought newfound purpose to your life. But maybe the baby added an additional financial strain to your life and forced you to quit your job, leaving you destitute and homeless with no way to feed it. Alternatively, if you got an abortion, maybe you end up being able to finish college and fulfil all your goals... or maybe you regret that decision for the rest of your life. There’s no way to guarantee that you’re making the right decision, but being informed about your options, and having options available, makes it more likely that you do. That’s why we are advocating for informed choice. Whether they eventually choose to keep the baby or have an abortion, give women the time and resources to truly evaluate their options and do what’s best for them in their own circumstances.

7. “Why kill the baby? Put it up for adoption.”: 

The adoption system is known for being isolating, exploitative, and unhealthy for children growing up in it. Being adopted into a great family can create healthy, happy young adults. But far too many kids don’t get that opportunity, and pay the price for it. In 2019, 122,216 children in the US adoption system were waiting to be adopted. Young people who age-out of the foster care system without being adopted are over-represented in rates of incarceration, suicide and substance abuse.

Granted, for some kids it’s a better alternative to the families they would have grew up in, but again: it’s an unideal situation. An unideal situation that can very easily be avoided with abortion. Why would a person choose 9 months of labor, plus all the emotional labor of having to give your child away to a system that more likely than not will eat them alive, knowing they will grow up asking themselves why they weren’t good enough for their birth parents, when the person could… simply not have that baby and not invite all that pain?

8. “It doesn’t matter, no one has the right to take another life.”:

Here’s another way of looking at the abortion question: the fetus is in a position where its existence impinges on its mother’s bodily integrity, and it stays in that position until the point of viability (at which it could plausibly survive outside the mother’s body) at about 24 weeks. One person’s bodily integrity will always override another person’s right to life; this is a fundamental truth. Otherwise, we would have mandatory kidney and liver donations. People all over the world are dying due to a lack of kidneys or other organs - why should we be allowed to keep both of ours when one of them could save someone’s life? 

Let’s say I caused a car accident that resulted in someone needing a kidney donation. It’s my fault they’re in that position, and I was negligent - should I be legally obligated to give mine up?

If the idea of being forced to donate one of your kidneys sounds violating, you’re closer to understanding why forcing someone to have a baby is such a barbaric thing to do. Even if the risk is small - kidney donations have a death rate of about 0.03% while childbirth is at 0.02% in the US - it’s still wrong to force something so invasive and risky onto someone against their will. Additionally, there are many complications that can arise from pregnancy short of death, just like there can be consequences to living your life with only one kidney down the line.

To summarize:

It is definitively not in anyone’s best interests to force unwilling and unprepared parents to have an unwanted child. It’s also not a good idea to get too deep into the technicalities of when an embryo is a fetus or when you’re allowed or not allowed to abort it. We need to focus on the women who are actually getting abortions. Having a baby is a huge life adjustment. Keep it, and you’re taking on an 18-year responsibility. You are responsible for another person’s wellbeing, and your life will never be the same. 

In three months (about 12 weeks), a potential mother can: find out that they’re pregnant (missing periods is extremely common. A lot of women only find out they’re pregnant at two months, or 8 weeks), think about their financial, professional, social, romantic, or whatever situation and figure out what would be the best course of action, and then actually get the abortion if she chooses to. 12 weeks is enough, 12 weeks is reasonable, 12 weeks is humane. Nobody wants third-trimester abortions unless there are serious, life threatening complications.

The pro-life argument is reduced down to: well, abortion is bad! That's a little innocent baby. It didn't hurt anyone. Well, we agree: abortion is bad. It’s not a good thing, it’s not something people want to have to do. Nobody looks forward to giving or receiving an abortion, it’s physically painful and often heart-breaking. But is it as bad as forcing a woman to go through hours of excruciating, potentially life-threatening labor for a child she doesn't even want to have? Is it as bad as enforcing serious health, financial, emotional, social, and professional risks on a woman who knows she is in no way ready to give a baby the life it deserves? Is it worse than having to drop out of school with no way to feed your child? Worse than having to give your baby away to an adoption center, where they’re likely to join the hundreds of thousands of unadopted children? There are evils, and then there are greater evils. Abortion may not be ideal, but for some people, it's the best option out there. When broken down, the pro-life argument is nothing but sad, provocative videos & descriptions of surgical abortions intended to pull at your heartstrings. But they’re sometimes the best option for the mother and her unborn baby. Nobody is pro-abortion — we’re pro-choice.

[momothegeckho]

arranged. |05

Previous: |01 , |02 , |03 , |04

Summary: Chiara was living out her days normally, when against her will, she is betrothed to Seto Kaiba for a business deal. She does not approve, and expects Kaiba not to either... until she hears he is the one who facilitated this deal.

The OC is Chiara Fuyu, daughter to one of the best holotech labs internationally, named Fuyu Corp. Her father agrees to have her married to Seto on grounds of uniting Fuyu Corp under Kaiba Corp.

╭⋟────────────────────────╮

“I hope that we will be able to talk during this outing, as well.”

Instead of an answer, he closed the door gently and went to the driver’s side to start the car.

“We’ll have all the time to talk. Since you are so adamant in talking about things you already know.”

If I could just smack him right now… If only…

✦✧✦✧

“This car is really nice, Kaiba.”

I tried to make small talk to the best of my ability, because along the way, we had stopped talking to each other. Kaiba was a man of few words, and all the words when he didn’t need to talk. It was like a special ability that only he had. 

“Of course it is. I would only settle for the best.”

… 

Then it was quiet. I mean, come on. He can’t even put in more effort for conversation? Unbelievable. Here I was, trying hard to get on his good side, but it seems like he didn’t care at all. I noticed Kaiba turn his head slightly towards me, but I decided to ignore it. He turned back to the wheel and slightly tapped the wheel, clearing his throat.

“But… if you think it’s nice, then you can drive it, if you want.”

I looked over to him in surprise. That has to be the nicest thing he has said to me… well, ever! He didn’t look over to me, but I smiled a little to myself and leaned back in my seat.

“You don’t have to do that. Thanks for the offer, though.”

It went quiet again, but it was more comfortable than before. We ended up getting to the place just in time for our reservation, and were seated in this beautiful section on a balcony overlooking Domino City. The sun was still high, reflecting light off the top of buildings, and I couldn’t help but ask myself when Seto made the reservations for this place

“Kaiba, this place is really nice. Do you usually come here?”

Seto looked from the view back to me, the sun causing his hair to glisten and his eyes to shine the deepest blue I had ever seen. This guy was the head of a very successful corporation, has a brother who loves him… anything he could ever need. Which is why I couldn’t stop the question before it rolled off of my tongue.

“Why me, Kaiba?”

His eyes narrowed the slightest bit before he lifted his glass of water.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, You have everything that anyone could want. You’re handsome, you run a successful corporation, and no matter how terrible you can be sometimes…”

I saw him scowl when I said that… adorable.

“... You are still a kind person when you want to be. So, why choose me when any girl would be happy to marry you?”

I guess I said too much, because for a long while, Kaiba didn’t answer. We had ordered our food and sat there, alternating between looking over the balcony, and making awkward eye contact with each other. As the sun began to set even lower, Kaiba finally spoke up.

“Why not you?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

I was once again looking straight into his eyes, wondering how he had been so blessed with that steely yet honest gaze.

“I could have anyone, sure. It is almost guaranteed anyone would be grateful to take your place.”

I let the slightest pout reach my face as he talked about how grateful any woman would be to marry him, and I guess he could tell he was beginning to test me, because he redirected back to the issue at hand.

“Yes, anyone would be grateful, but they aren’t you. You have something that no one else has, and so what would be the point of choosing a random stranger over your potential?”

Oh. So he married me because of my talent for technology then. I have to admit, I was hoping for a more romantic approach, but I wasn’t surprised it was just for skill. I lifted my glass of water to my lips and took a small sip, feeling refreshed at the cool liquid as it went down my throat. It was more silence as I began to have thoughts once more of the contract. More importantly, how I could render it useless with the rules in place.

‘I either have to get him to touch me, or place myself in danger… the second option is out, but the first one is way too easy. Maybe I can ask him about it…’

As I looked up to Seto, I immediately rethought the idea of asking him, since he would know what I was planning. I had a month before I turned 18… and only a few months after that before the touching rule goes out the window. What did that rule even serve to prove? How willing he was to respect my space, or how stubborn he was to be married? Either way, I knew I was getting out of this marriage. One way or another.

“Kaiba, can you tell me why this contract was made? I know it is to merge corporations, but why the marriage as well?”

Kaiba got really serious, placing both of his hands on the table and leaning forward the smallest bit, as if this was top secret information. I mimicked the action, leaning forward as well, even scooting in my chair a bit more.

“The reason for the merger is to appease the board and fulfill some promises my family made before me.”

“But, what does that mean? Why?”

He sighed and leaned back, taking up a glass that the waiter brought over for him at his request. He stirred the glass gently and took a sip, looking like an elegant model for a magazine I couldn’t even grace the cover of, before gently setting down the glass and answering my question.

“My inheritance says I must marry a deserving woman and have a complete family, otherwise I would be arranged with someone of the board’s choosing. I don’t want them to have anything to do with my personal affairs and who I fall in love with.”

I was so tempted to tell him that what he had gone through with the board is what he was doing to me, but I resigned to keeping my mouth shut, otherwise I could possibly harm his ego. Then I thought about what he said. A family??? With me?? I wasn’t even old enough to marry, let alone recreate!

“But Kaiba, a family… Do they mean children? Like, you and me…”

“What? No. Mokuba counts as a dependent so we don’t have to…”

“Oh… okay.”

“Yes...”

That has to be the most awkward part of everything we went over, but I felt better knowing what the cause of this was. Kaiba was trying to live his own life, too. Just like I was. Maybe in that aspect, we weren’t that different. We both wanted to dictate our own lives, but were thrusted into situations that barred us from living our own ways.

“I understand a bit better now. Thank you, Kaiba.”

“Seto.”

“Hmm?”

“I think it would be better off to just drop the formalities. Just call me Seto, and I will call you Chiara.” 

I nodded, smiling at the fact that he wanted to drop formalities. Our food had arrived shortly after and we both began to eat, discussing things from technology to trivial matters, which I didn’t think Seto would be willing to do. After we finished up, we left almost immediately, deciding to just take our conversation back home. 

“Your birthday, it’s June 8, correct?”

I looked at Kaiba, a bit drowsy as we drove home and nodded.

“Yes. Exactly a month from today.”

“Understood. You may rest now.”

It isn’t like I needed to hear him say it was okay to sleep, but it made it easier to rest a bit. I woke up before we arrived home, and as we walked into the house, I saw Mokuba run up to Kaiba, smiling as he began to talk about the perfection he had made on a new prototype while we were gone. Their relationship was truly adorable. The Kaiba brothers are inseparable, against a world that wanted to tear them apart. It made me a bit jealous, as I had no siblings that could do the same for me.

“Chiara. Do you wish to rest for now? It has been a long day.”

I was thinking of staying up, but I wanted to ask Sunny a question about the contract, and it was killing me, so I told Seto I had been tired, and I would be turning in for the night.

“Okay. Good night, Chiara. And tomorrow, don’t stay locked in your room. It’s a waste of food when you don’t come out to eat.”

“Yeah, yeah, Seto. I’ll come out tomorrow. Goodnight, and don’t stay up too late.”

I made my way up the stairs and to my room, immediately showering and changing into my pajamas, and laying down in my bed.

“Sunny, are you active?”

I saw a small blue light power up as Sunny whirred to life.

“Sunny here! Ms. Chiara, you sound better now! How was your outing with Kaiba?”

“It was nice, but I want to ask you more about the contract.”

“Ask away!”

“Okay. Sunny, what happens if I touch Kaiba, instead of him touching me? Is that regarded in the contract?”

There was a long silence. I assumed Sunny was looking through the contract to answer my question. She then came back.

“That’s funny, Ms.Chiara, there seems to be nothing in the contract regarding you touching Seto Kaiba. This means two things are possible. Either there is no worry of you touching Kaiba, or it was forgotten in the meeting when the agreement was created. Do you want me to message the contract creators for elaboration?”

I thought for a moment before declining the offer, seeing this a bit of leverage for me. Kaiba couldn’t touch me, but I could touch him… This was perfect! I began to doze off with a plan in my head. This plan being:

Touch Kaiba, until he loses control and touches you.

It was an exciting project, and I could start tomorrow, while I started with other things. Kaiba would be going back to work, and while he was gone, I would make myself more comfortable in the mansion, so I could feel a sense of belonging.

///////////////

Funny Short: (not related to the story)

“It’s really cold out here”

“Then why didn’t you bring a heavier sweater?”

“Because it was really hot earlier, Kaiba! How was I supposed to know it would drop 100 degrees and become winter?”

I was literally freezing my butt off as we walked the sidewalk near the corporation, my sweater shielding me from absolutely nothing as we walked.

“Here. Take this until we get inside.”

… 

“Kaiba, there is no way in heLL I am taking your sharp-shouldered coat.”

“Really? Are you being difficult when you are literally freezing?”

“I don’t care if I get frostbite, I am not putting on your sharp ass coat. I would look ridiculous.”

Kaiba was about to take off his jacket when I stopped him from protesting. I was not about to put on that coat. That was his thing. I enjoyed looking like a normal human being, not a damn cyber-villain. 

“Just put on the coat, woman.”

“No! I would rather freeze!” I began to run with this last sentiment, reaching the building and running up the stairs before I was stopped with Kaiba’s voice after me.

“You can stop running now. Gosh, next time just put on a heavier jacket.”

“Whatever, cyber-villain.”

“Cyber-villain? You are really trying my last nerve.”

“Too bad-”

Before I finished, I felt my arm being yanked back before m lips met with Seto’s, the gentle feel being replaced with a force that brought us closer together. My hands made their way to his neck and his waist as our bodies shifted against each other, the reason I loved this man. 

“Then I guess that makes you the person in love with a cyber-villain. Lets go.”

“Where are we going?”

He turned to me before leading me down a hallway.

“To my office. We need to talk more about this ‘cyber-villain’ you have made me out to be.”

[cookinguptales]

Today, SCOTUS is hearing arguments about whether businesses should have to cover birth control for their employees in their health insurance plans and I just. It’s hard to read.

I was going to make up this big informational persuasive post about the situation. But I’m just. I’m just so sad and angry and tired. So I figured I’d make an emotional one instead.

Let me tell you about my hormonal birth control journey. 

(Rest under a cut for length and content. cw: mental illness, graphic discussion of medical issues, injuries, & menstruation, discussions of suicide & self-harm, discussion of opioids, alcohol, & recreational drug use.)

 I started taking hormonal birth control late in high school to help regulate “painful periods”. It wasn’t for actual birth control at that point and I hadn’t been diagnosed with any disease, not even POTS yet. I just had “painful periods”.

Things were okay for a little while, but when I got to college, things started to fall apart. The double whammy of undiagnosed mental illness and a barely-diagnosed chronic illness (POTS was relatively unknown at the time and my doctors gave me information which I now know is incorrect) really caused me to spiral during my first year of college. I didn’t know it yet, but I react very poorly to some forms of hormonal birth control. Put succinctly, they drive me batshit insane. On one pill, I literally did not leave my apartment for over a month. I became very literally agoraphobic. Bouncing off the walls, irritable, angry, high suicidal ideation. As bad as side effects can be.

But I didn’t know that yet. I just stopped taking BC as part of the whirlwind of medicines and doctors that my life became for about two years while I was on my (first) medical leave from college.

My ribs were coming out back then. I didn’t know that yet, either. I knew that when I was around 16, I started getting severe back pains. The first time it happened, I had to go to the ER because I couldn’t breathe and my teachers thought I was having a heart attack. I got a narcotic shot in my butt. It did nothing to dull the pain. That’s how much it hurt. But it went away on its own eventually and I over the years I started medicating reoccurrences with a lot of different things. Physical therapy. Muscle relaxers. (Medically prescribed) opiates that made me puke. Prescription strength Advil. Wine.

I didn’t see that it was all connected yet. Not yet. I didn’t realize, with my periods as irregular as they were, that the back pains were coming around the same time in my cycle each time.

My “painful periods” got worse. I talked to an OBGYN, with my mother in the room. I told her that I was scared of something like childbirth. I knew that my blood flow was dangerously bad. What if the fetus didn’t get enough blood? Oh, my doctor laughed, that wasn’t a problem. The fetus would always get enough blood. The risk was that I wouldn’t. That it, like the tiny vampire it was, would take it all until I simply died. If I got pregnant, I would likely die. I asked about permanent sterilization. My mother cried. My doctor said no. I didn’t ask again.

I went back on birth control.

It was odd. I didn’t want children before that visit, not really. I was so tired all the time. I knew I’d never be able to manage to raise a child — and honestly, I didn’t care to try. I was so depressed. I was so sick. It sounded like so much work. I still don’t want to have kids. But it still feels… weird, knowing that I can’t. And knowing that I could die if I get knocked up.

I’m bisexual, but I have zero sexual contact with men (because I don’t love them, despite being somewhat sexually attracted to them) and zero sexual contact with people with penises (because they could literally kill me and it would be no one’s fault). But I’ve been followed home by men before. I’ve had cabbies lock me in and ask me for a date. I’ve had men who won’t take no for an answer. And my god, it terrifies me that I might have to deal with both sexual assault and a slowly creeping murder all at once.

(It’s laughable to think he’d be tried for both.)

I ended up getting sick off birth control a few times. I went on and off it periodically during my college career. I now in retrospect see that a lot of my “meltdowns” were a combination of discrimination-based stress, physical breakdowns, and hormonal whirlwinds. At my worst times, I was on birth control. The wrong ones.

My periods, over time, got worse. My back would hurt. The cramps were unbelievable. I couldn’t feel my legs. I could feel them too much. I couldn’t keep food down. I’d be so angry, so sad, so everything.

I went to the doctor again. I was diagnosed with both endometriosis and PMDD. PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoria disorder, is like PMS on steroids. I remember telling my doctor, in halting tones, that I wasn’t well before my periods. That I always had depression, always had anxiety, but I wasn’t well before periods. At her prodding, I confessed that sometimes I would just lie there for hours, for days, in the fetal position. That I’d clutch at my own arms, mooring myself, because I knew that those white knuckles were the only thing between me and killing myself. That my brain, always somewhat malevolent, became an inescapable mantra of death. That I’d just lie there and sob because it took everything I had not to hurt myself. That I’d find claw marks, bruises, on my arms later, and all I could do was get some ice.

It was better than the alternative.

I told my doctor about how painful my periods had always been. How I’d heard a story once about, y’know, that Spartan boy? The one who hid a fox kit under his shirt during an examination and stayed perfectly silent even as it clawed at him so he wouldn’t be caught with it? How it tore at his stomach until he fell down dead, still silent? I told her how I felt like I was holding a fox kit every damn month and sometimes I couldn’t stand the pain of it. Sometimes I considered ending that pain, one way or another.

She put me back on birth control.

A little less than a year later, or in layman’s terms, about a year ago, my mental health was so bad again that I was almost committed. Literally committed. I had to go stay with my parents for a few months while I transitioned to new medications because it wasn’t safe for me to be alone. I learned that the birth control I was on could create those symptoms — but they didn’t start until months after you’d started taking it. So you didn’t realize it was the medicine. You just assumed you were crazy and unlikable and so, so angry. At the world, at your loved ones, but mostly at yourself.

I learned, around that time, that I also had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. That the pain I felt every month right before my period wasn’t just cramps. It was my bones coming undone from their sockets. It was my hips dislocating. It was my ribs popping out of my spine. I realized that that lump my parents could feel in my back wasn’t a hard knot of tense muscles. It was my fucking rib poking out of my back. I learned that there is a period right before menstruation that mimics a period during pregnancy where your joints loosen — your body thinks it is preparing you for birth, for loosening your pelvic cavity so an entire head can pass through. For someone with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, that period of joint looseness was enough to wreak absolute havoc on a system of already-weakened joints.

I learned how to put my own ribs back in with a foam roller. I started drinking marijuana tea for the pain. I went on a different birth control. I stopped taking the placebo pills. I had to fully eradicate that entire portion of my cycle. Goodbye PMDD and ribs constantly popping out. I don’t miss you!

I am still on that pill, y’know. Every day I take it and wonder if I’m one step closer to the day when it inevitably destroys me. The last one took about a year. Tick tock.

Or maybe I finally found the one that works… I really just don’t know.

The fact of the matter is that I have a full handful of maladies that require birth control so I can function. PMDD, endometriosis, dangerous pregnancy, EDS. I need hormonal birth control. I would probably be dead by now without it. The PMDD especially was that bad. My internal organs are likely a scarred-up mess. But the birth control itself almost killed me, too. God, it was close.

Simply put, birth control is heaven and hell all wrapped up in a pill. It treats illnesses and it prevents pregnancy. In other words, it provides you with both freedom and peace of mind. It is absolutely essential. But it’s also monstrous. The sheer number of sometimes-deadly side effects that come with hormonal treatments is staggering. Which is why you need to be under a doctor’s careful eye when you’re on it. You need to be free to choose whichever brand you need. You need to be free to switch kinds at a moment’s notice. None of these things are possible in a system where these pills are not fully covered by insurance.

(And yes, I know, this is a stupidly American problem in so many ways. Obviously the ideal thing here would be single-payer for all medical procedures. But that’s not up for debate here and insurance for BC is. Because for some reason we let some people’s religious convictions determine others’ health care. But I digress.)

Please don’t worry too much for me. I have a good employer who has told me in no uncertain terms that I don’t need to worry about my healthcare coverage. But there are so many people just like me. Who may not have diagnoses yet. Who may have “problem bodies”. Who only know that they need to do something and that they might have to go through several pills to find it. Whose employers either have the strong religious belief that hormonal birth control is a sin or the strong religious belief that they want to pay as little as possible for their workers’ health care. (Call me cynical.)

Those are the people I worry about. Those are the people I feel absolutely sick over as I watch the SCOTUS argue whether we should be allowed to have life-saving medicine. The people who I know will fall through the cracks the second that the cracks are widened enough for them to do so. The people who will die.

It’s a tense time right now. It’s a tense time for very obvious reasons. But this morning I find myself to be even tenser, and my stomach hurts thinking about it. It feels like all I can do is stare at a pill packet and remember every horrible reason I need it and every horrible thing it’s done to me and I just.

It’s a lot.

[firebirdsdaughter]

I'm honestly not too shocked that Aruto is going to work together Gai now. He always rubbed me the wrong way when it came to his views about Humagears, esp his reaction to Raiden & Subaru. That was a huge red flag for me. Also, if he's really so concerned about the well-being of Humagears, then he should offer counseling for the destroyed & revived Humagears to deal with the trauma. But I guess that would be too much to ask. As long as they serve humans who cares about Humagears' feelings.

I def agree w/ you, he’s rubbed me the wrong way in many of the same ways.

It’s hard to believe he sees HumaGear as people when he’s all pleased w/ Raiden talking about how he’ll be decommissioned soon and even calling the two of them ‘just like real brothers.’

You know, like he keeps saying Horobi is ‘trying to be like Jin’s father.’

And don’t even get me started on ‘a caring brother can’t be a spy,’ ‘if only you had been different,’ ‘why did you hurt Izu?’ ‘I’ve never treated them differently’…

AUGH.

To me, Aruto’s ‘dream’ can be summed up in a line from a song that was cut from Frozen (ya’ll thought I’d forgotten about this, didn’t you, but no) that goes ‘It’ll be just like it was, except for we’ll be best friends.’

This got long, so I’m cutting it here. Or. I’m trying to. 

He doesn’t see HumaGear as equal to people, he just wants them to stay right where they are, and ‘be happy’ there. ‘Good’ HumaGear are the ones whose development is convenient for humans. Raiden was ‘good’ when he saw no problem dying bc his ‘purpose was served,’ Naki was ‘good’ when they just wanted to support other HumaGear’s dreams as long as they were steered towards HumaGear w/ dreams of benefiting humanity, Jin is ‘good’ now bc he’s not trying to get HumaGear away from serving humans anymore and is also willing to kill his own father or due himself to do something that will benefit humans. The morality of the show has always been very much centred around humans, how HumaGear benefit humans, and HumaGear are expected to be these perfect little angels who exist to help humans and never think of themselves. Horobi is ‘bad’ bc he has resentment towards humans and has been so deeply under the Ark’s control for so long that he can’t think outside of her (esp not after being possessed) so obviously he doesn’t ‘want’ to be ‘change.’

I said it in the tags of my other post, but there’s something wrong w/ the picture when you’re holding a literally mind controlled AI who hasn’t had any concept of free will or self thought in his entire life aside from small snatches that were quickly stomped out, more accountable than a human w/ full autonomy and knowledge and power who deliberately did things that caused death and harm (and shot someone in the head). It’s not a good message. I’m supposed to feel bad for Gai bc he’s ‘sad,’ but Horobi deserves to die? I’m sorry, what?

The message has very much been ‘humans are special special and HumaGear are expendable/need to be carefully moulded into a ‘singularity’ that’s at the least convenient for humans.’ ‘Good’ HumaGear aspire only to properly serve their humans, to be like them, they are pure and angelic creatures who never feel anything ‘negative,’ and if they do, they need to be purged.

I could rant myself in circles about this for ages. I think for me, the really glaring example is Aruto’s treatment of Jin, a relationship that could have been an interesting learning experience for both of them (though, honestly, I was also hoping to see Fuwa also help Aruto realise the issues w/ his attitude, bc as he started coming down from his prejudice and aggression, Fuwa actually treated HumaGear more like equals than Aruto did, one of the many things I loved about him and Horobi as a pair), but instead ends up being a glaring example of Aruto’s… Whatever.

So Horobi has his first moment of clarity and genuinely fears for Jin, so the Ark steps in and ‘tells’ him to protect his son, so he does and it hurt, and Jin is hysterical. Izu proceeds to walk right up to the still-transformed, clearly emotionally volatile and very uninjured Jin, and announce w/ a smile that Horobi has been defeated. Jin, hysterical and lost, reacts in the only way he knows how, violently, which she should have bloody seen coming, wth. But then, Aruto is demanding to know ‘why did you hurt Izu’ like she did nothing wrong and Jin just attacked her randomly (which was a thing that could have happened and would have made his emotions make mire sense, Jin lashing out at Izu as ‘revenge’ for Horobi), and then Jin gets treated like the total bad guy. Then, on top of that, Aruto finds out during the fight that Jin doesn’t actually know what’s going on, he’s just been raised into this. Instead of immediately trying to change tactics and reason w/ him, Aruto just spews his ‘I want HumaGear and humans to smile together’ line (what does that even mean?), and when Jin rejects that, Aruto just… Gives up and says ‘if only you had been different.’ doesn’t try to prompt Jin to think about what Jin wants, what Jin is feeling, doesn’t bother to try to find out why Jin is so hysterical. It gets even worse when he quickly gains the firepower advantage and learns that Izu will be totally fine, but he still doesn’t bother trying anything else. He just kills Jin, bc… What? Jin didn’t immediately bow to his ‘love’ for HumaGear? Of course once sentence wasn’t gonna do it, he just watched humans kill his father! Aruto didn’t need to kill Jin at all, it would have been easy to disable him—alternatively, if they really wanted Jin to go down there, there were ways to do it that didn’t make it come off as Aruto quickly erasing a HumaGear for having any negative feelings or resentment towards humans, esp when you follow it w/ a scene of him and Izu being all pleased about other HumaGear ‘behaving’ themselves, and then never mention Jin again.

Fast forward, and when Jin comes back talking about wanting to free HumaGear from humans… Aruto actually asks him what he wants, finally? Then Aruto gets the boot from Hiden and decides to go to Jin for help. This should be a turning point where Jin get to properly confront Aruto about what happened and Aruto reflects on what he did, but no. Jin gets to shout a little, but then Aruto claims he never treated humans and HumaGear differently and says ‘I watched my HumaGear dad die’ and Jin just… Says nothing? doesn’t shoot back w/, ‘so did I, humans killed him.’ Then they get interrupted and Jin runs off… Only to… Rescue Izu later? But then after he does he… Grabs her hand and runs away and tries to convince her to be free? After… Literally buying his father time to reconnect to the Ark? And this is Izu? Who he stabbed? Okay… Anyway, then we have more stuff w/ poor connotations of Jin saying he ‘learned something’ from Aruto killing him and Izu ‘choosing’ to keep being Aruto’s secretary like a ‘good’ little HumaGear (her liking him and wanting to stay on his side would be one thing, but this… Esp w/ him claiming that he thought she should choose, going by his later insistence that Jin can’t take G-Pen bc he’s a human’s ‘partner’), and only then does he take a bullet for her. This apparently means something to Jin, although I feel like the implications of ‘she’s worth protecting bc she decided to keep serving humans and I killed you bc you didn’t want to do that’ should not have been lost on him (also wtf did Jin start caring about Izu?). The we have the next ep w/ aforementioned G-Pen incident which for some reason Aruto defending another HumaGear choosing to serve humans makes Jin decide to ‘believe in his dream’ or whatever. But then later the Raiden scene makes it seem like Jin was playing along bc that conversation w/ Horobi about HumaGear needing guidance to break free gave him an idea or something, I dunno, but naturally Aruto reacts like this is some huge betrayal, despite the fact that they hardly have any relationship—okay, so this friendship is something Aruto made up in his head, given his character, and apparent assumptions that all HumaGear actually adore humans, that makes sense. That could work. But then episode thirty fucking six happens. Jin apparently cares more for Yaiba, a human he’s barely interacted w/ who had yet to show any sign of no longer considering HumaGear to be tools, who had previously represented all the things Jin hated about them, then his own father. Acts all protective of her, throws himself in as a shield for her, moons about while she’s in the hospital. Then we learn he decided he trusted her (?????) enough to conspire w/ her to… Use his own father as a sacrifice to kill the Ark. Aruto seems to be more worried about Horobi, but merely yells a bit about how Horobi should ‘remember who he is by now.’ Come ep 37, Jin fucking takes a hit for miss perfect HumaGear Izu (note: aside from her grabbing the idiot ball in ep 15, my annoyance w/ Izu isn’t really something she as a character has done, it’s the way they’ve written her as the ‘pinnacle of ‘good’ HumaGear for her devotion to her human’), and tells Aruto to leave. Now that Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans, though, Aruto is a like ‘oh, we totally were best buds, I was right!’ and is so worried and distressed about him, forgetting Horobi (who is so ‘bad’ for not being able to break through more than a decade of mind control! forget him, Jin must be saved!). Then we have that incredibly forced scene in 38 where Aruto tries to ‘get through to Jin’ and Jin ‘breaks through the Ark’s control bc of Aruto’ (see my draft horse pack on a shetland pony analogy) and ‘tells Aruto to kill him!’ which continues in to this ep. In which we also have… Gai. Who Aruto quickly puts effort into ‘reasoning w/’ and ‘showing the light’ bc ‘oh no he had a bad childhood’… Okay, but… You killed Jin for that, and he literally didn’t understand what he was doing. Gai had full autonomy and knowledge of his actions. People were hurt bc of both of their actions, but it’s Gai who gets a big speech and Jin who gets blown up. I said it back when it happened. If Jin had been human? I bet they would have made Aruto approach that much differently.

The fact that Aruto is willing to do all that for Gai but killed Jin, and only now considers Jin worth any effort bc Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans even at the expense of HumaGear (being willing to sacrifice Horobi, even himself, to stop the Ark, while that goal is technically ultimately noble, the context gives a bad connotation), and not trying to talk HumaGear out of being subservient to humans and telling them to think for themselves, or wanting to revive a HumaGear that Aruto was content to leave deactivated bc he didn’t have a ‘use’… But Horobi only gets a few shouts and then ditched bc he ‘won’t listen’… Leaves a really bad impression.

[pastorjoshwoods]

Everyone deserves a chance to fly...

This past holiday, I fell down a rabbit hole. (Or more rightly, I got swept up in a tornado YouTube tornado...) It started innocently enough: a friend posted a video on Facebook where a percussionist had a GoPro strapped to his head to show what the pit looked like during “Good Morning Baltimore” from Hairspray. It was awesome! ‘Auxiliary percussion’ may not sound as glamorous as ‘set drummer’, but it’s incredibly important to the full sound of the orchestra. 

I watched one video, then another, and then I saw some videos of pit percussionists playing Defying Gravity—from a powerful musical about an incredible young woman who chooses to live for what’s right instead of what’s presently in vogue. Then I saw a few other songs from that musical, and finally an interview with the pit drummers for Hamilton.

I moved on with my day—even got to spend some time gaming on Zoom with my family. But later on that night, that song got stuck in my head again: 

I’m through accepting limits  ‘Cause someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change, But til I try, I’ll never know.

Too long I’ve been afraid of Losing love I guess I’ve lost; Well, if that’s love, It comes with much to high a cost!

I’d sooner buy defying gravity...

It caught me again so powerfully that I scoured the internet for a pay-to-view copy of a full performance. And then, when I had exhausted my resources, I stumbled upon a bootleg copy. (Yes—they exist... and there’s even one of the Original Broadway Cast out there, although the video quality is rough [and there are some ‘oops!’ moments—must’ve been a preview...]) Why not just listen to the soundtrack? Because—I remembered there was more to the plot, and I had a sneaking suspicion that there was more to what it meant than I had previously understood.

You see, when I first saw the musical about the ‘untold true story of the Witches of Oz,’ I was thrown by its title: Wicked. As an evangelical teen/early twenty-something--and a pastoral ministry student to boot--I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of a musical that I perceived as teaching moral relativism: "teaching us how bad wasn’t really bad”; that, in fact, being ‘wicked’ is in the eye of the beholder. 

But I was wrong.

My perception of the point of the musical was about as far off as it could have been. I still believe that there are people who do objectively wicked things, but I had missed something. I had entered the theatre with a judgment already made, based on a label someone else had given to me. My fear of the word “wicked” had cause me to uncritically dismiss anything labeled as such. I had literally been the person the musical was trying to call out. Embarrassingly, I’m only just now grasping the power behind Elphaba’s story. She is remarkable: an exceptional young woman with a heart of kindness wrapped in insecurity, self-loathing, and abusive memories who finds strength to both love herself and stand against what is truly evil, even when vilified for it. Seething in righteous indignation over obvious injustices perpetuated both privately and in broad daylight, she chooses a life of exile and integrity--while evil people call her “wicked”--rather than one of popularity--through espousing what was truly detestable. 

Yes—the Wicked one ends up not being the Witch of the West. It ends up being the Wizard: the charlatan that fortuitously blew into power and now works to keep up appearances by feeding public frenzy and twisting the truth. “It’s not lying—it’s history!” The underlying rationale of the swindler behind the curtain? Moral ambiguities are fodder for public control. [And the Wizard’s press team swirls around him like a tornado, tearing down opposition “with her calumnies and lies”--she lies.]

That never happens in real life, of course... 

I mean, how often do we make villains of the very people suffering for doing good? How often do we paint a character over a person to satisfy our need to blame someone? How often does our togetherness come from hatred rather than love? (Those questions are rhetorical—but maybe you should answer them in your head...)

And how often are the people that we claim as “wonderful” indeed playing us?? When will we discover the difference between what’s really true and what we’re being told is true to manipulate our actions? What will we do?

As if to prove my point, if you’re still reading this, you’re probably trying to figure out which side I land on. You’re also probably thinking that the other side—the one you’ve always been taught to side against—is the one with the ‘wonderful wizard’ who’s really a first-class creep. But what if you’re actually on the ‘wizard’s’ side? What if you’re the one following the person manipulating public opinion (in part or on the whole) for the sake of personal gain?

Wizards will bluster in and bluster out. Some of them may run themselves out of hot air before they cause any harm. But some of them will irreparably hurt people while regularly inventing alternate narratives that say they are really doing right by those same people. Some of them will say anything to be able to take their place behind the curtain, pulling levers as “Oz the Great and Powerful.” And we shouldn’t let them.

But even if they do: we must not lose our sense of what is most right. And part of that is defending the dignity of those who are being trampled on by others. Whether they be mistreated captives, dehumanized to serve the agenda of the powerful, or individuals who have been silenced by fear for so long that they have forgotten their voice, we must restore the dignity of each individual through kindness and compassion. For those who claim to follow Jesus, this is not an option. No: it is, in fact, the surest call of the Savior who let himself be crucified as a ‘wicked man’ after having done nothing wrong. 

So, this summer, when people on either side of the limelight lie, telling you how what you’ve heard them say and seen them do isn’t really what you heard and saw, try three things:

First, choose not to perpetuate the abuse by espousing the lie. Don’t bear false witness to your country, your friends, or your ‘enemies’ for the sake of your candidate.

Second, be a person who does what’s kind and good, even if people villify you. The real villains here are the ones who are telling people who to hate.

And finally, be a person who is willing to listen to the other viewpoint—and who will protect even the people they disagree with. 

We need more Elphabas—more brave young women (and men too--and people of all ages!) who aren’t afraid to say and do what’s right. People who are willing to live out the ideals of honesty, decency, and respect for others, even when it costs them dearly. And people who are willing to fight to end lies, hatred, and abuse. We need them—and we need to celebrate them, too--because they call us back to our best.

It’s time to try defying gravity.

And when we do that?

Nobody in all of Oz No wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring [us] down

Post art from https://wickedthemusical.com/for-fans/

[serenzippity]

Cold War

Words: 3,303 Member/Pairing: Monsta X, Jooheon/OC, Wonho/OC, Minhyuk/Hyungwon, Kihyun/I.M Genre: Alternative Universe, inspired by “All In” Warning(s): mentions of drug-use (the flower from “All In”), slight implications of violence, language

Book One - Chapter Four

July 31st, 2018

It was hard going about my day as if nothing had changed within me. Every single one of my senses was heightened to the point that it gave me a raging headache by the time I tucked into bed at night. The pounding in my head lasted for hours until I could finally shut my eyes and try to act like everything was wholly normal. 

While I hated the painful side effect, the increased vision and reflexes were welcomed. I was quick and light on my feet, getting orders out at a rapid pace during the day. At night I was lifting boxes easier and processing my stock with a keen eye. I felt stronger, borderline daring as if I could take over the world. 

The flower also gave me a new consciousness that helped to reign in my constant anger and paranoia. It was almost addicting how carefree I felt when the saccharine sweet voice whispered in my ear. I hadn’t seen any of the X-Clan members since the ritual, but every morning I was roused by the sound of padded feet and whispered goodbyes. The flower gave me increased hearing, and I was now wholly privy to Jooheon sneaking out in the early hours of the morning. Rather than get angry at the revelation, the flowery voice in my head lulled me back to sleep and promised me that Jooheon meant no harm to my sister and me. 

It was like the dark voice inside my head was effectively silenced and I was thankful for the respite. 

I was exceptionally thankful for the silence during moments that tested my total resolve. The last two days had been filled with rowdy men and the promise of eventual graduation from training. All of the specializations were close to discharging groups of trainees into society, and somehow that gave them all big heads that could block out the sun. Everyone was excited and teeming with anticipation, all of which made my job harder. 

I was thankful for the silence when a group of prissy medical trainees was demanding specialized rations of food and testing my every nerve. I was thankful for the silence when some political trainees demanded to see my license and permits. I was especially thankful when two military trainees tried to proposition me for the night.

The town was in an uproar, but the beautiful petals of the flower muffled my ears so I couldn’t hear the droning. 

-x-

I was clearing the tables from the dinner rush when I heard the door open. “We are closed,” I called out, silently praying that the late customer would simply leave and disregard the signage on the door. We weren’t closing for another hour, but I was hoping for an early night in because the pounding behind my eyes was growing. 

“We aren't here for service.”

The voice as deep and familiar, and I turned to meet the smirking faces of Hyunwoo and Changkyun. They were a welcomed sight and I appraised them with a large grin. 

“Don’t tell anyone I’m closing early,” I said with a wink, ushering them to the bar and pouring three glasses of left-over rationed water. I handed the cups off to them and we all cheered each other before drinking greedily. Changkyun was still in his trainee uniform, bright eyes and vibrant in a way that had my heart clenching for him. Hyunwoo looked less pristine in a flour smacked shirt that hugged his every muscle. He still had a bit of remnant powder on his face and he looked tired. “What can I do you for boys?” I asked, taking the final gulp of my water and putting the glass in the automated cleanser.

Hyunwoo finished his glass, sliding it forward for me to take with a lazy smile. “I just wanted to see how you are holding up?”

“Can’t stay long,” Changkyun said with a sly look, “but we wanted to make sure you didn’t lose your mind yet.”

I couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh into the empty restaurant. It felt good to laugh genuinely for once and I was thankful that Changkyun was the one to draw it out. “I lost my mind a long time ago,” I giggled as I relaxed against the bar. “But overall I feel fine. I do keep getting a headache by the end of the night. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good,” said Hyunwoo. “That means that the flower is working. It will go away eventually.”

“Eventually,” I mocked with a jest, and Hyunwoo smiled wider at my joke. As promised they both didn’t stay long. One glass of water was drunk and a few jokes were shared between us. It was strange to feel at ease around the two considering how apprehensive I was when I had first met them.

Changkyun was slowly becoming a soft spot and I could feel my affection for the young boy grow. He was so innocent yet so wise at the same time. Everything about him exuded wonderment as if he saw our world not as it is, but how it could be. Hyunwoo, on the other hand, was wholly wise and yet so kind. He was warm in an almost paternal way that allowed me to open up to him easily.

Normally my mind would be screaming at me to put my guard up. It would be telling me to not trust them because nefarious deeds are often hidden by seemingly good intentions. However this wasn’t a normal circumstance, and my head was muffled by soft blue petals that told me to trust them.

And so I did. 

-x-

August 2nd, 2018

Like clockwork, the bell of the shop dinged just as I was wiping down my final table. Taking the dirty rag in my hand, I turned to tell the customer off. However, the words died in my throat when the literal bane of my existence strolled through the threshold with a borderline arrogant gait.

“Jooheon,” I said curtly, returning to my closing chores as he strode to the bar and took his usual seat. 

“Jae,” he replied, watching me with sharp eyes as I flitted around and prepped to close. Soon enough the till was closed and the floor was clean, the silence stretching between us. Throwing my apron in the back I grabbed my keys and bag, giving him a raised brow in question. 

“Would you like to join us again tonight?” Simple and to the point, Jooheon left the proposition hanging in the air. I internally battled with myself on the pros and cons of joining them again. The headaches were the only major negative effect, but I could also subtly feel my body screaming for a fix of the flower. Hyunwoo told me that the effects would eventually fade away, but was it worth partaking in again if I could get another fix? The heightened abilities were nice, but was this whole thing addictive?

I had seen what happens when someone becomes addicted to an altering substance. Hell, I’d sold and contributed to many peoples addictions to the bottle. I always told myself I would never be dependent on anything like that, not only for my sake but also for the sake of Mina growing up. 

Would partaking in the flower cause me to break that promise? Was it even worth finding out?

“Tempting,” I drolled as I moved towards the door, Jooheon hot on my heels. “But I think I will pass. I don’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing. Changkyun, Hyunwoo, and I want to extend the offer.”

“Is that so?” I questioned as we stepped out into the warm night. Closing up completely, Jooheon and I started walking away from the row. We didn’t make it far before I stopped in my tracks, choosing to go the opposite direction before I could change my mind. “Tell them I said thank you, but I think I will just go home for the night.”

“Get back safe, Jae.” He gave me a small smile before turning on his heel and walking in the direction of the village’s edge.

“Jooheon,” I called out into the still darkness. He turned to look at me, continuing to walk backward and getting further away with each step. 

“Yeah?”

“Promise me two things. One, Mina never finds out about the flower.” He paused at the mention of my sister. Slowly nodding, I could see his eyes flash and his shoulders tense. It was as if the mere mention of her turned the annoyingly intelligent man into a shy schoolboy. “Second,” I said moving away and into the night, “Stop leaving your shoes messily by the front door. If I trip on them one more time I’ll set them on fire.”

I didn’t stay long enough to see his reaction, choosing to take the path home and promptly passing out from exhaustion and the pounding headache.

Sure enough, the next morning there was a dirty pair of men's shoes tucked away by the front door. 

-x-

August 5th, 2018

I was definitely feeling the absence of the flower by the time the tenth day rolled around. I felt normal in an almost odd way. There were weights on my shoulders and feet, slowly dragging me down and making me sluggish. To others, I looked like I was moving normally, but I felt like a snail. The only positive was when my hearing returned to normal. I was no longer roused by Jooheon sneaking out in the morning, rather the alarm on my watch was my wake up call. I couldn’t hear the chatter of customers vividly, nor were colors any brighter. 

I had effectively returned to normal and my body was craving the blue petals.

My suspicions had been confirmed, and I was thankful that I didn’t succumb to the addictive temptation.

The morning of my tenth day was hotter than all the others. Humidity and heat mingled together to coat the whole village in a layer of sweat. Men, women, and trainees trudged to work miserably under the glare of the sun. Silently like zombies, we all moved in tandem, going about our bleak lives in service to the Jeongs.  

It took me longer to get to the restaurant than usual. My slow footsteps were emphasized by the drops of sweat from my brow and I could already tell that today was going to be a miserable one. 

My negative prediction was proven to be true when I saw Jooheon pacing outside the door like a man possessed. He had a crazed look in his eye and I was almost apprehensive to approach him. I was close to turning around and heading home, but before I could move he saw me and called out.

“Jae! I need your help!” He rushed forward and took hold of my wrist to drag me closer to the door as if it would get me moving faster. I retched out of his hold, giving him a glare that had him slightly stepping away. 

Placing my key in the lock, I gave him a once over and took in his frazzled appearance. He looked anxious and rushed, something that greatly contrasted from his nonchalant persona. “You better not have done anything stupid Jooheon,” I hissed, turning the lock and making my way inside with him hot on my heels. 

Before I could even get my bearings he was slamming a pile of notes on the counter. “I need a gun.”

I hesitantly took the notes, counting the sheer amount of them with strangely curious fingers. “You want something nice, huh?” He shook his head quickly, avoiding my suspicious eyes. I was so close to rejecting the offer based on the sheer amount of knowledge I had on the boy, but the money was too good and it would help Mina and I pay the rent for the next few months easily. “I may have something, but it could take a few days.” Pocketing the money, I made a mental note on what to ask my supplier for. 

“I can’t wait for a few days. Just give me two of what you have now.” The urgency in his voice took me back.

I looked at him skeptically, contemplating what exactly he would be planning. “I’m going to be pissed off with whatever you are planning on doing, aren’t I?”

“Probably.” He glanced towards the door, willing it to remain closed so he could be in and out quickly. Flitting between the door and me, Jooheon’s anxiety was rolling off him in waves. 

Narrowing my eyes, I asked him the one question that was plaguing me. “Is Mina involved in whatever you are about to do? Because if she is you know I won’t hesitate to kill you.” The last words came out with a dark growl.

“Absolutely not.” He said it with such resolve that I almost, almost believed him. With a sigh, I resigned myself to the allure of the money. Taking the notes, I stuffed them away before heading down to the storage room. Grabbing two handguns, I brought them up and slid them to him in a small black bag. Just as he slung it over his shoulder the first two customers of the day strolled in, no doubt trying to find an escape from the heat. 

Jooheon didn’t say anything, choosing to simply run out of the restaurant with haste, earning a glare from the few customers that got in his way. I didn’t have time to chase after him or do anything else before the filling of tables took all my concentration away. Throughout the day any spare thought I had was focused on Jooheon and his suspicious actions, but I couldn’t do anything without looking complicit or suspicious. After all, I was the one who sold him the weapons.

The lunch rush came and went in a flurry. I welcomed the small gap between lunch and dinner, resigning myself to tidy up and make sure I wouldn’t get too behind once the dinner patrons came in. It was monotonous, as every day usually was, but it was a good distraction from Jooheon’s sketchy behavior a few hours prior. 

“Sweeping? Check. Mopping? Check. Rinsing down the bar?” I checked the water rations of the restaurant and saw plenty of water left over. “To-do,” I hummed and set to the task. Between the gushes of water from the handheld hose, the door opened and I didn’t notice the patron come and sit at the bar. 

“Jae,” they whispered, causing me to jump about a foot in the air. 

“Holy shit!” I dropped the hose, splashing water all over my clothes and the floor. I was started by the onslaught of cold water, but all that went out the window when I saw the distress on Minhyuk’s face. He had dirt dusted over his cheeks and they were streaked with dried tear tracks. His eyes were red and puffy, practically screaming at me that he had been crying.

“Are you okay?” There was a genuine concern in my voice, something that even surprised me. But the shaking of his shoulders brought out that maternal instinct that gravitated towards Mina and, lately, Changkyun. 

“Jooheon told me that I c-could come here if I needed help.” His voice sounded defeated, almost broken and each word was a glass shard in my chest. 

“He said that?” Looking around, he simply nodded his head as fresh tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. “I mean, sometimes. I can get you something that you… yeah—”

Cutting me off he leaned in closer, practically leaning over the bar. “Can you get me rations? Or do you only have weapons?”

“I have both.” The question took me off guard as Minhyuk was one of the last people I’d expect to come… buying. 

“Gas? Do you have gas rations?” Urgency swam behind his eyes, and for the second time today I was questioning if I should tell a customer yes or no. The X-Clan were proving to be the total bane of my existence. 

“Y-yeah I do, but they are easily traceable so I don’t usually sell them.” He looked absolutely defeated as if I took any and all hope from him. He leaned back on the stool, shoulders slumped and eyes downcast. There was a complete cloud over him that seemed to even dull his bright hair and eyes. It was at this moment that I saw the similarities with Hoseok. 

Despite being brothers, they looked relatively dissimilar. The only major indicator of their parentage was arguably the rare white of their hair and almost ethereal looks. However, now that I was seeing the younger up close and personal it was easier to see the little ticks and movements of his face that paralleled that of his insufferable older brother. They both had eyes that portrayed emotions like a television screen, flashing from one feeling to the next and displaying their state for all the world to see if one just took the time to look. 

I’d seen rage, disbelief, and curiosity in Hoseok’s eyes. I’d also seen them blown out with euphoria. This time around I was seeing the other Lee brother hang his head in disappointment with pain swimming through the dark irises. It was something that I knew I didn’t want to see again. 

I let out a tired sigh and mumble, telling him to stay put before hanging up a closed sign, locking up, and heading down to the storage room for the second time that day. The cold room welcomed me with frosty arms and I discreetly wished that the X-Clan would leave me in peace for one damn day. 

I grabbed a ration of gas and, after double checking that it was full, headed back upstairs. In an instant, Minhyuk seemed to shed his forlorn attitude once he saw the ration in my hands. Like a mother handing her child a toy, I gave the ration to Minhyuk when he eagerly reached for it. 

Long gone was dull look in his eyes, rather it was replaced by a new determination that brought color to his cheeks. He looked angry and resolved all at once.

“Just take it and go.” He all but sprinted out of the store, getting stuck behind the locked door for a moment and fumbling with the lock. Rounding the bar I unlocked the door for him, but before he could leave I grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at me. “Be careful, okay?” Once last fleeting nod and a curve of his lips were all he gave me before running out into the midday sun. 

As I watched him go I realized that the X-Clan was becoming a little too comfortable with me. In the span of ten days I’d seen Jooheon twice— not counting the nights he spent in my home—and three other members at least once. Granted I had a growing soft spot for Changkyun but the visit from Minhyuk was a shock because he and Hyungwon were arguably the last people I expected to come to me. We’d exchanged only a few words, virtually none up until the morning after I first took the flower with them. He and the tall, beautiful boy were usually in their own world together. 

The sheer fact was that they were arguably growing bolder and bolder just by coming to me so casually. But I knew with every fiber of my being that this increasingly bold attitude would end up coming back to bite me in the ass. 

Despite knowing how precarious of a situation I was in, why was a feeling exhilarated?

A/N: So this chapter is shorter and boring, but it leads up to the climax of the next two chapters. AND THEN after that, we get into the fallout and the end of Book One. I’m so excited! As always, thank you to my amazing beta and soulmate @wonheonie for helping me with this chapter and keeping me going. If there is anything, in particular, you’d like to see happen send me a message. Also, please let me know how you are liking this series, it’s my baby but I honestly feel like I’m losing inspiration. I keep rewriting the ending and Book Three and I’ll end it there so I’m not fishing for reviews. 

[tisthenightofthewitch]

Grammy-nominated metal band Ghost addresses ‘satanic’ accusations: ‘There are other music styles that promote a way worse lifestyle’

Bombastic, theatric, operatic metal Swedes have become unlikely Grammy darlings, winning Best Metal Performance in 2016 and scoring two nominations at this year’s upcoming 61st Annual Grammy Awards for Best Rock Album and Best Rock Song. But not everyone’s a fan. “We obviously are a polarizing band,” Ghost’s fearless leader Tobias Forge — alternately known as the diabolical priest character Papa Emeritus or Papa’s panda-eyed successor, Cardinal Copia — tells Yahoo Entertainment.

Though Ghost’s over-the-top, presumably tongue-in-greasepainted-cheek satanic imagery has always drawn detractors, the band has finally started to gain widespread acceptance. Aside from its multiple Grammy nods, its fourth album, Prequelle, went to No. 3 on the Billboard album chart and made Yahoo Entertainment’s list of the top 10 albums of 2018, and that album’s monster single, “Rats,” spent an incredible seven weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock Songs chart. However, as Ghost’s fame has grown, so have some of the protests targeting the band — including a bizarre one that took place last year in Midland, Texas, during Ghost’s “A Pale Tour Named Death” U.S. arena trek.

Last November, Larry Long, the pastor of the Fellowship Community Church, said Midland needed to be protected from the supposedly devil-worshiping group, warning a local CBS affiliate, “This kind of band will bring spiritual influences into this area. We’re concerned about it, because we believe the devil is real, just as we believe God is real. … I think if [young fans are] singing along to those lyrics, who knows what in the world they’re opening their hearts and lives up to?”

Ghost’s Midland show went on as planned, of course. “At the end of the day, what [the Fellowship Community Church] caused was more tickets sold — so thank you very much,” Forge chuckles.

Still, although Forge says such outrage is “to an extent, amusing,” he adds, “To a greater extent, I think it’s sad. … I find it saddening thinking that there are people who don’t know f***ing bad from good and s*** from Shinola. I find it saddening that people would choose to stand out in the cold [protesting Ghost], thinking that they’re making a difference. I think it’s sad that people are wasting their time thinking that we’re bad for people, when actually what we’re really trying to do is make people happy and make people feel good about themselves when they come to our show and have a good time.”

Although certain PMRC-baiting shock-rockers that paved the way for Ghost — Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Marilyn Manson — have been accused of encouraging suicidal or homicidal tendencies among impressionable fans, Forge believes that “dark music, everything from gothic to death metal and black metal and hardcore” can, on the contrary, be a source of celebration and even salvation. “There are definitely rock fans over the years that have done negative things toward each other and or towards themselves, but I don’t think that’s because of the music. That’s because they were in a bad place in their lives,” he stresses. “Actually, it might have even been the music that made them live so long, that kept them going. Hard rock, in general, does not promote that you should harm anyone.

“I definitely think there are other music styles that promote a way worse lifestyle, that you could look upon as being more negative,” Forge says. “Other music styles that promote a way of living that their fans will never have — when music is all about ‘making it’ and wearing ‘bling-bling’ and ‘all them bitches,’ and the idea that without that stuff you’re nothing — that is a bad influence for your fans. At least with most gothic or hard rock music, it’s about feeling good about yourself.”

Forge instead sees Ghost as following in tradition of “the big shock-rock bands of 1984” that his much older, punk-rocker brother introduced him to when he was growing up in a liberal, pop-culture-savvy home in Linköping, Sweden. “The artists I immediately grasped onto were when I was 3 years old,” Forge recalls. “[Motley Crue’s] Shout at the Devil, [Twisted Sister’s] Stay Hungry, KISS, stuff like that. My brother was so nice and just passed those records on to me, like, ‘Here, you’ll like this more.’ I played them all the time. Then it just blossomed from there.”

Now Ghost is being heralded as the imagination-sparking band that will serve the same purpose for today’s rock-starved youth. “I do believe that there is a glimmer of hope in what we do with regards to the fact that there are a lot of kids coming to our shows. We are the first band that they see live. That is a really good thing, thinking long-term,” Forge muses. “I don’t mind being that glimmer of hope. I do believe that the more exposure we get, the more time that we spend in people’s ears, I hope that the interest in analog rock will be kept alive or awoken or might find a way into kids of today. I guess we could be a little bit [for today’s young fans] what KISS was in the ’70s.”

That being said, Forge is reluctant to accept the pro-Ghost media’s proclamations that Ghost are the new saviors of rock ‘n’ roll. “I’d love for the mainstream music climate to steer back towards rock, and I’m sure it will at some point. But does that mean there will be image-driven shock-rock bands, as far as a movement? I don’t know,” he says. “I do believe that the rock bands that will be big in the future are the ones that are being formed by kids, the 18-year-olds, today, right now. They are the ones that will rock the future, because that’s how it always is. The bands that will be big in five or 10 years, when there might be a big domination of rock again, will be bands that we most likely don’t know as of right now.”

But those bands, as Forge hints, may very well be Ghost disciples, because today’s kids, despite the handwringing of concerned conservatives like Long, are loving Ghost’s epic live shows — in which a Pope-robed Papa Emeritus, flanked by horn-headed and occasionally keytar-wielding Nameless Ghouls, perform anti-authority anthems like “Satan Prayer,” “Depth of Satan’s Eyes,” “Death Knell,” “From the Pinnacle to the Pit,” “Witch Image Life Eternal” and the undeniably earwormy “Dance Macabre” in a rock ‘n’ roll church bedecked with inverted crosses. Such imagery and song titles may be alarming to some, but it seems the little kids understand.

“The biggest misconception [about Ghost] is that the lyrical content is being provocative because it’s about God. And it’s not. It’s not about God at all,” insists Forge. “It’s about man, mankind. I use language and analogy to make it seem that it is about other things, but the songs are usually, they are about very real things. Sometimes I think it’s almost laughable to the point of annoying that protesters are just picking up on the literal meaning.

“There are many misconceptions about who I am or how I think, and of course it’s annoying. But that is just part of being in a band nowadays. If I didn’t want any of this, I shouldn’t be in a band. But I want to do this. I want to rock.”

Yahoo.com