#it's been a lot lately like holy shit
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It's midnight, I just had a shower, ate some brownie ice cream, and now I am curled up in my actual bed(even though I've been on the world's best air mattress like holy fuck it was so comfortable) and am eagerly awaiting sleep
#mine#txt post#it's been a lot lately like holy shit#i dont know where to start but pretty much picture incoherent screaming in your head for hours#and that's how i feel#a mixture of excited hopeful nervous miserable tired fed up#we had to move and now i have a room woth a ceiling fan(!!!!!!!!!!!!)#dont get me wrong i loved my attoc room but it was always humid no matter how hogh i cranked the box fans#yeah sure my room is smaller but i have my own bathroom:)#it's just a bunch of changes and new things to adapt to#but the hot water heater holds lots of hot water so thank any deity that cares#and it has a fenced in yard
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i need to learn to unapologetically like things again
#im. ughghg going through a time rn. i've been since like what uhh late 2022#thumbs up#i need to. stop telling myself to update dailypaintbrush because it feels like a chore and originally dailypaintbrush was just something fo#me to be silly and post paintbrush#i'll talk about the final ep later because holy shit but uhh i like ii i like paintbrush i have thoughts but also#i have exams in a couple weeks#i need to learn to unapologetically enjoy shit again. i've been toning myself down a lot and im so sick of it. but it's like ive been doing#it for so long idk how to stop now#txt
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Just got a Charley horse in my calf that rivaled the gallstone pain I had last year 🥴
#personal#it only lasted like 5 seconds but HOLY SHIT IT FUCKING HURT#i need to eat more bananas bc I've been getting them a lot lately
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#the of/md fandom having a total fucking meltdown/civil war has been#fascinating and sad to watch#like. goddamn. holy shit#that just imploded. it had a level 5 nuclear meltdown#normally when i get into shit i curate so that im staying away from weird drama#i also habitually get into things late; so no one's reacting live to things i like#but i haven't watched of/md and have no plans to#so i didn't curate away from it. and uh.#i guess i know that this is how fandom normally goes#but WOOF. that's a lot#sometimes i think i might be too invested#in the stories that i enjoy#then i look to the people screaming and on fire to my left#and realize as long as i stay in my lane im fine
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goodmorning i miss jose
#xelle.gush#isn't it funny how you rare it is for a self shipper to have jose as a f/o aaehgjhejrkfj... (<- wants to be known as the jose self shipper)#/lh ofc but it'd be nice 😳#wait i skimmed through his wiki and there's a lot of lore added holy shit????#i finally know which survivors he teamed up with#AND OF COURSE HE WENT WITH BOAT AS A CODENAME HASIDVWIWBHAIABJSIFOF I LOVE THIS MAN#i already knew it was wu cha.ng he went up against. he appeared in jose's trailer + jose's backstory mentions him coming to the manor in-#-the search of an umbrella#but it's nice to have it confirmed#WDYM HE'S IN HIS 20'S????#THAT MF LOOKS LIKE IN HIS MID 30'S AT LEAST#I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS AUAUSVGAIAVAISBDJFK#'my destiny has long been merged with the sea. perhaps the ocean is the best home for my family.'#OH MY GOODDDDDD??????#JOSEEEKEIEJEIEJRJR???!????!#this man is so obsessed with the sea (so am i)#i know i haven't been giving him attention lately but i still love him and i fall in love every time i see him 😍🙏#r!fo: jose
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Been finishing up act 2 of bg3. It's a good thing I find the battle systems so fun bc Hoo Boy there sure do be battles
#speculation nation#im going the epic hero direction this run. mostly bc i care about saving innocents' lives as much as possible#which means Killing Necromancers...... ugh.#cloudkill my beloathed. me n my homies hate cloudkill (used against us at least)#i got my vampire kicked into a fucking CHASM i had to reload a save 😭😭😭#he's been phenomenally unuseful in these fights bc theres so many people and so few places to hide#usually hes one of my biggest damage dealers. and sometimes he can get a good shot in#but a lot of turns hes just firing one dinky lil arrow and then hiding in the corner#...... i keep forgetting about the fancy arrows. i have so many of those. i should try to remember them when i get to the Big battle.#which. hmmm. we r gonna hope it's not Too difficult a battle. ive been able to get thru every battle so far in this game#turns out im Pretty Damn Good at this game. to the point where i'll brute force it and still end up fine.#the literal only battle i had to leave and go back for was the big spider queen thing in the bottom of the well. she was scary.#im level 9 now tho and full of so much guts n grit. and loot. holy fucking shit the loot.#im looting every body (including fallen allies. sorry guys ur gold's goin to a good cause.)#i have karlach with a like 460 carrying capacity but she STILL keeps getting encumbered. from all the armor.#im making fucking Thousands off this tower capture im gonna have so much fucking money#once i leave here and can actually. sell them all 😂#anyways i have been having fun! had to stop for the night bc it's late. but i will be killing thorny ass tomorrow. mark my words.
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just finished reading delilah's statement, there was a lot of things in it that was either only tangentially related to the allegations or straight up unnecessary to put (in particular: putting in media references and cc metrics several times as flavor text, detailing the don turnt situation with no claims of whether or not permission was granted by the affected party, namedropping certain ccs who had nothing to do with the allegations, and putting the tweet and yearbook photo of one of the ppl who put forward that zam was a bully with no claims of whether or not permission was granted) which contributed a lot to the 47-page length
honestly so far what im getting is that there was a Lot of toxicity on multiple sides like not even just between zam and delilah
#tw abuse#there are multiple instances in particular that i wanted to get more context of#in particular how did zam go from telling delilah to khs to becoming her bestie??? and why did she call kab whos a 16 yo a worthless whore?#theres also several parts that made me think that her rep for jumping to conclusions isnt entirely unfounded#like you can excuse her mental state at the time for a lot of it but there are some that are just. where did you get that#i dont wanna reread the entire thing so ill just be citing that part at the end where she accused zam of not actually being in a bad mental#place and was just trying to manipulate her cause he was in vacation in nyc and was smiling in one of the pics is reaching#also hypocritical cause she was also in a bad mental place during twitchcon but was smiling happily in pics and videos#also dont like the fact that she put the yearbook photo there and the fact it was even posted publicly in the first place#it was probs for verification purposes but holy shit youre basically barely a step away from doxxing zam#apparently bormethius is putting out a statement so ill be waiting for that as well#fucken hell i get that delilah saw posting this publicly as necessary in order to get some kind of closure#but theres so many layers to this that airing this out to an uninvolved and contextless audience was only inevitably gonna make things wors#especially considering a lot of evidence has apparently been lost to deletion or the fact that they were done in vcs#but its too late for that now so i can only hope we get the full picture soon cause everybody involved looks so incredibly toxic#idk i just hope all parties involved will be able to move away from this and get better in the future#cause like theyre still young and immature man#(although the fact that theyre young and immature def contributed to how this even happened in the first place 💀)#with that being said#the drama channels are 100% in the wrong here#they like to present themselves as arbiters of truth but theyre nothing but glorified tabloids#allegations
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🦐...
#making another bullshit post because i dont have anyone to talk to and talking in the tags is comforting as fuck for some reason#so here we go. hi gang dave here how are we doing tonight#sparkle off its thurday forget who you are yk how it goes#im so tired man ive had such a long week its been good but so fucking long you know like holy shit stuff just all the time#had a choir performance which was pretty badass#ive gotten further in rereading homestuck just watched me and my bro hug it out which was great#stridercest nation rise up#went to the dentist showed him my sick ass wisdom tooth necklace and he loved it and he took a billion pictures#gonna go to a new therapy support group thing try it out see how it goes maybe ill like it maybe i wont#these are just kind of life updates cause idk its weird to have shit happen and then just never talk about it to anyone really#been drawing a lot lately its nothing super cool but im having fun with it#i watched trolls 3 again tonight what a fucking fantastic movie cinema is alive and well#branch reminds me of karkat so much and its hilarious like thats just the same guy#i tried making hummus tonight but fucked it up it was too sour but no big ill try again another time#idk i think thats all ive got to say. thanks for tuning in see you next time
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#I’ve been strugglingggg with being touch starved and feeling lonely a lot lately holy shit#I’m going nuts 🫡#idk I feel like I’m gonna be stuck feeling this way cause wtf I don’t do anything or go out anywhere to change it so 😭#but art skills have been better the more I hone in on it not thinking about so I guess that’s good lmfaoo
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things no one tells you abt growing up number one: you start to get inexplicably mad at your dad all the time
#have literally never really experienced this before this year i just accepted him as Like That#i would’ve always classed myself as a mommy issues kinda guy even though i don’t really think i have Parental Issues so much as i just have#Issues. but at some point you realise the reason you have more negative memories about your mother is because your mother was actually THERE#not even in a blaming him way. he just had to work a lot and late hours when i was a kid#but still at some point you see the way he whines about doing things your mom does 24/7 and how entitled and easily enraged he is#and it annoys me because holy shit i’m like that. did i get that from you? the way i can be so snappy and aggressive and entitled?#Augh. it boils down to the fact that my (mildly transphobic/gender crit) parents know i am transgender#and my mom - while still not really supporting it whatsoever - has been Nice about it (though ive made it very very easy for her to be) and#calls me a gender neutral shortened version of my dead name (though still misgenders me cause. sure ok. ugh)#my dad doesn’t even make an effort 90% of the time and it just makes me so fucking angry#you can be transphobic that’s fine my mom is but it doesn’t hurt you one fucking bit to change the way you address me a tiny bit#ur literally the ONLY person in my life still using my deadname#oliver talks
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this guy haunts my spotify every couple of months and i could not be mad about it even if i tried.
#generally been finding a whole lot of new stuff lately that i've really liked and i'm very happy about it#also rediscovering some old favorites#it's just really nice after a period of slight music fatigue#music#Spotify#how does this guy put out a whole album (almost) each year holy shit
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I've been listening to hero by mili all day I need to kill myself right now. The Quixote <3
#rat rambles#she is in my head so fucking bad Im losing my mind#I need her to explode#dude every twist and revelation relating to her is so gnarly shes given me such extreme brainrot and Ive exclusively been experiencing her#story second hand#it also gives her a lot of bonus points that shes the only one that's based on a book Im more so familiar with#I am getting way too fucking close to biting the bullet and reading limbus story stuff someone needs to put me down before its too late#they sinners are all chewing on the wires of my brain I cant take this anymore my siblings are indoctrinating me#ismael and outis are the big secondary ones god why must project moon write good women#also the sad reality of my life is that my siblings brainwashing is working and hong lu and gregor also evoke happy feelings now#Im not like super invested in them but I do like them and I need to stop liking them and start killing them <3#anyways don is the character of all time like holy fucking shit#and hero is so fucking good my sibling was not lying nor exaggerating#the quixote 💥💥💥💥💥
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huh
#that was the worst anxiety attack of my life#started last night and and woke up with it and it lasted basically the rest of the day holy shit#physically hurt too. and a lot more than it usually does#only fully got out of it at like 7pm i think#when i joined a vc with friends that i was heavily debating on skipping#this is without meds too it was way worse then when i was taking them#but its also way less common now#wanna work on stuff again but ive been feeling way too tired to do shit lately#feeling aimless again#think i need an intervention but i know im gonna fuck up my words and make no sense if i try to explain to someone again
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college 😭#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head 😭??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an asshole😭#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO 😭😭#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like 💢^^) (^^💢 selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time 😭😭#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping — hajusae [prri]
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ok ignore my terrified late night acne stress post told i will not be going on accutane bc the doctor said it wont work for me !! ill take that !!
#lee’s bullshit#i saw a new doctor today and holy shit. wow#usually i go and theyre crazy busy and see me late and only are there for like. Five minutes tops. and barely see me which is annoying.#but this woman actually liked went in depth !! and asked lots of questions about what ive been on and whats been working/not#and gave me like a thoughtful list of things to do w all the reasons !! which is super nice#and she also said the meds im on right now (that i was terrified to get off of bc theyve been regulating my brain well) are the best#for what i have and accutane would be very intensive and not really target the acne i have. so yippee !!#literally thank god <3#my dad also was very on my side abt the accutane thing which was such a relief like i told him abt her saying it wasnt bad and he laughed#he was like shes so full of shit what. she had crazy side effects and also like couldnt go out in the sun thats not going to work for u#and i was like yes exattly . so yay :]#also jsut had a great meeting w all of my trans friends which is great + read two dungeon meshi volumes td and plan to get through another.#i do need to eat lunch tho so be back later !!
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I gotta get back to Posting shit on the sideblog. Instead of just thinking about it. Please.
#been having a lot of Mental Illness Moments lately#also mentally trudging thru a bunch of worldbuilding shit that i need to like. get ahold of.#just been playing toys over here#i have to settle on the fucking designs 💀 well. im getting there.#i started a new meds recently and holy shit#im actually norming out#important frogcast
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