#feeling aimless again
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huh
#that was the worst anxiety attack of my life#started last night and and woke up with it and it lasted basically the rest of the day holy shit#physically hurt too. and a lot more than it usually does#only fully got out of it at like 7pm i think#when i joined a vc with friends that i was heavily debating on skipping#this is without meds too it was way worse then when i was taking them#but its also way less common now#wanna work on stuff again but ive been feeling way too tired to do shit lately#feeling aimless again#think i need an intervention but i know im gonna fuck up my words and make no sense if i try to explain to someone again
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"I'm the dog they put with cheetahs to keep them from going crazy in captivity" x "I'm the cheetah that is threatening to go crazy" 4 ever
(I make a webcomic about them)
#GODDDDDDDDDDD I love them#theyre so.....#I just.#good. theyre good#I need the comic to come back NOW...#no I dont. I havent finished enough yet#I've finished 7 episodes so I gotta make 3 more minimum but 8 more ideally. which is. a big gap..#anyways I got up early to draw this cause I couldnt sleep#and someone shared it in a server I'm in and I was like. oh I have to#but now I'm super tired and I can sleep#so good night. enjoy my beautuful art of my beautiful vampires#'good ngiht' it is 10 30 am.#sleep. she betrays me yet again.#anyways working on coming back working on kickstarter stuff working on book 4#working on commissions working on my patreon...#work work work work#trying to be forgiving of myself LOL working like 50-70 hours a week and still feeling like its not enough#imagine if I WASNT on meds rn. I'm focusing better and there's still just way too much sheesh#super need some support but also I'm chillin#I was assigned an editor and she has not given me a single note#so I'm like uhhh. rlly feeling aimless and lonely#I'm doing very good work its some of my best stuff#but...#yeah. idk. just a lot HAHAHA#but I got like 45 mins to do a quick drawing#for my mental health...#time and time again#adam and steve#ttawebcomic#adam
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Posting OCs? On main?? That might be a first from me :0
Here are my boys Orfeo and Percy from a webcomic that I'll probably never actually make. They get along I think. 🤷♂️
#tinydraws#oc#original characters#art#character art#tinyOCs#..what do i tag this as...#i'm used to having preset character tags to use#now i feel aimless#anyways if you were wondering why i havent been posting as much tvdint it's mainly cuz i've been trying to work on my oc lore/story/designs#both as portfolio stuff and for my own satisfaction#and not making much progress!! woo!#i /might/ post more oc stuff in the future#or i'll get too embarrassed from this experience and i'll never mention them ever again#one of those two things will happen#time will tell which
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all fun and games having an oc hyperfixation and having to make all the content yourself until you lose the ability to make anything lol
#wrist issue has not improved#have a soft diagnosis of bilateral carpal + cubital tunnel and waiting on nerve testing to confirm rn#this semester has been the Tough Love From God semester and i’m kind of over it#if i have to put my comic on hiatus again it may not go well for my brainmeats methinks#vent#i guess#sparks speaks#such a petty complaint in the grand scheme of things but it’s weird to suddenly feel so aimless and purposeless#any time i think things are improving my hand is suddenly too shaky to draw for days
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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#oops its real sadboy hours again#cant even write about it because i cant focus#@ the guy who named seasonal affective disorder im fuckign coming for you#i just wanna feel normal for once is that so much to ask#not lost or floundering through life aimless and wanting and empty#like wtf is wrong with me#being human is so hard and i am#tired#i just want a hug#and i can't even fucking have that#tbd
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Thinking about it and I'm pretty sure writing and posting fanfiction is one of the healthiest things I've done for myself in the last year
#personal#but the last year has been rough for me emotionally#all stemming from being broken up with (a year ago this week lmao)#but i was feeling very lost and aimless#it had been years since id written anything besides dnd stuff#which i do count but its still different#but i had forgotten just how much i enjoyed creating something others enjoy#like yes im writing again and thats fantastic#but reading the comments i get on my fic#my writing is making people feel things!#its bringing people joy!#thats all i want in life#to me the point of living is to spread joy!#and i know im lucky to be writing for a very popular ship in the fandom#so i do naturally get more engagement and eyes on my work#but just something about it makes me cry (happy overwhelmed tears)#ive gotten 5 comments in the last hourish#after updating today#and each one makes me want to cry#from the way some are pointing out things ive done#to the way others just yell and keysmash#it all just makes me feel so so so good#idk im in my feelings now but#its nice to be appreciated and see that im capable of making people happy too#because it really is rough out here sometimes
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I hope i die ..
#nothing even happened btw#well. i argued with my mom two days in a row but tbh thats insignificant it is a known fact that she decides she knows what im trying to say#even when she doesn't listen to What im saying!#thats not enough to make me want to kms anymore LOL#bc 1. im older and used to it 2. she's actually waaaaay better at being normal than previously#anyway not the point idk i just dont want to be here im not sad im not miserable im just.. aimless#and it's not really fun to be wandering#every time i feel a nice breeze or see the sun set all gorgeously i feel ready to die afterwards. it's like#“ah. well. that was pleasant. that was as good as it gets. i don't need to feel that again. this much was enough.”#i like watching the sky and i like feeling the wind on my face but i dont like it enough to want to finish two degrees and get disowned#z.post
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Devil on my shoulder
#fire emblem#feh#taking a break from drawing (by drawing.)#was feeling kinda aimless though eo3 fucked up my focus LMFAO so i gotta. recalibrate.#so i cleaned up a doodle just to warm up/get a feel for it again 👍#i gotta figure out what i'm doing though.... project....... doodles...... so many options ........#fe alfonse#moe tag#summoner oc#my art
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Need a northerner to smack me rn I’m romanticising living in London again tauba tauba
#it’s the aimless feeling kicking in again#I would never cheat on my little house in the village like this (I would in a heartbeat if I could afford it)#zh.txt
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embrace the soupy-ness of the brain. Embrace brainsoup
[ * I love and appreciate you anon- ]
[ * But this is not something I want to embrace ]
#Random Ramblings#Answered Ask#Anon#Like I went and looked and it was a lot less noticeable than I thought it was. But like.#To me. It felt like January 2022 to May 2023 was just. It felt aimless#And the only thing that really shows it is my art tag ig#I felt like I’d fallen into an abyss for a while#Like it was just me falling out of interest of UTMV for a wee bit but#It scares me#I felt alive when I finally got to draw and post art I actually liked again#I hate the feeling of nothing going on in my mind except for the monologue about how it feels like nothing is going on#I just hope its temporary yknow#Vent#Tw vent#for these tags#hhhh this is why I’m looking for a therapist again lmao#flip flopping on whether I think it’s even worth it or if I deserve it but like. Idk.#I think I need it
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I played Season over the weekend, which if I had to condense "thematic meandering" into a videogame is probably what I would most closely end up with; but it was still a cozy chill time that targeted my very specific niche of robust cow petting mechanics. Followed by journaling the heck out of them.
I do think cute indies living and dying by their sincere desire to paint the human condition should never ever ever fall into the temptation of obtuse and nebulous worldbuilding that desperately needs to explain itself so it can function as an aesthetic blanket for their vignettes. Just keep it loose and metaphor-heavy, fellas.
Cause if you're not extremely, painfully specific about your intention with a story that centers ignorant tourism and historic preservation, you're gonna beef it, bud
#season a letter to the future#I have so many nitpicks but it feels mean lmao. in a very subjective sense I had a good time with it. I am a boring playstyle guy#scrapbooking and cycling in a pretty world is right up my alley. wish it wasn't so#man idk if I can call it what I want to call it cause it's so unclear of its own optics. the intention feels pure#for whatever good that can do in a context this god damn loaded :D but at least I recorded the froggies on my tapes#(a game like this does not need elaborate lore that it then fails to adequately explain anyway. that is a barrier to many of season's#emotional high points. shit just lacks clarity of purpose and happens as a given and banks on its aesthetic and melancholic context to#provide the necessary backbone for that punch. but then you end up revealing your hand and general flippant disposition towards this#nebulously coded cultural backdrop that you've constructed for ultimately shallow purposes. especially irt to the core ethos#like the game ultimately asks us if dispassionate preservation of a dying culture is more valuable than the vicarious experience of it but#then that binary is never meaningfully weighted since the protagonist survives and succeeds in either option BECAUSE of the journal and?#it all fizzles out in thematic incongruity. maybe it's my own hangups with glorification of legacy to such a manic degree#or maybe it's really just meant to be sort-of aimless and 'human' in that way. which again negates the need for this lore-brain barrier#just keep it simple without the oddly pedestrian mechanics of the literal apocalypse and the mass amnesia prayers and tell#the exact same story. with a tighter grip on the context of who the protagonist is in this land. there's your game)#text
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i feel so aimless and full of despair like 89% of the time. and i need to just go to bed but i took a nap earlier and there is only so much time you can spend asleep
#i ply my brain with content in hopes of making it shut up but aaa#like i ask my peers and friends like does everyone feel like this? does anyone know what theyre doing?#and people are like yeah haha im aimless too all while seeming to work towards goals and futures#and i just feel so pointless . i want to be nothing . i want to fast forward until it's all over#there is more to life than a career but whenever i want to really believe that i feel naive#everyone here is so ambitious and driven and it makes me feel pathetic and slovenly and horrible#im lying to myself saying i'll apply to X and Y and doing nothing to work towards it#even the things ive been most excited abt this summer dont seem all that fun anymore. because it's just time marching on#i want to embrace that spirit of 'sometimes i imagine i already died and begged god to let me live again' to appreciate everything#and it helps sometimes but other times i just still am So sad and lost#and it's such a privilege to be able to feel this aimlessness and wonder about like what to do with myself but i also just feel so naive#like have i squandered my potential? my opportunities? should i go into investment or consulting or tech like 40% of my classmates?#i just want to do something meaningful#this is just the 11pm talking . but this is my blog and if i want to despairpost i will#im gonna go shower.
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yapping aimlessly tonight
#jaerambles#i just have a lot in my brain!!#anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object#i really do think it would be just aimless learning.#like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things#it feels a bit. selfish.#but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things#i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though#i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them#trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder#drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that.#i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd#i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality!#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy#ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles#or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money#like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy#there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august#or not who i was. what i was doing.#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn#i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job#and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong#and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow#this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭
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I'm more and more bothered by the time I spend at home and I would love to find an activity outside with other people... but at this point I'm struggling to come up with *anything* that doesn't cost money
#txt#and despite getting a raise at work and having the best job i had so far i'm not exactly swimming in dough#idk maybe i could volunteer somewhere#it didn't bother me for the longest time but now that i get older online interactions stopped being that fun#i'm getting old and aimless#fandoms aren't fun anymore#i'm too afraid to draw anything#sincere online communities are not a thing anymore#i lost many many years due to mental issues and trauma and it feels like i'm reading to spread my wings again
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I think i might be reaching my limit. I can't sleep and not even my pills work anymore. I'll probably end up sleeping in the middle of the day tomorrow. But I want this to end, you know. I might really be reaching my limit here.
#dont know what i can do to change this#i just. feel like if my college break ended i would feel a bit better. but that's still two weeks away.#i want... i want it now#i cant take anymore of this aimless school break#i need something to focus on so i can put my mind into something again#i feel so empty and fatigued without it#gi talks
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