#it's been a joy getting to know you <3< /div>
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9, 11, 19 and 22 for the end of year asks!!!💓 MWAH
EEEEE THANK YOU!!!
Questions found here.
9. Best month for you this year?
I answered this question here. TL;DR - November!
11. Something you want to do again next year?
I also answered this question here, but I'd love to get back into reading. I always feel like there's so much I could be doing, like watching TV, or writing, or going out, but I really miss reading!! I think part of my lack of motivation was that I was reading a series I didn't like for a book club I'm in, so reading has felt more like a chore than a joy. I just started a series that @khywren recommended, called "Tairen Soul" (book 1 is called "Lord of the Fading Lands") and so far I LOVE IT, but I haven't found time/felt motivated enough to really focus my attention on it 😭 I'm flying to the east coast next week and I love to read on planes, so hopefully I can make a big dent then!
19. What’re you excited about for next year?
Another question I answered here, but I'm also excited for new job opportunities! I love my job and am having a blast (I work on an animated Star Wars show!), but the industry is really struggling right now and nothing is getting greenlit so work is VERY slow. But the rumor is that new projects are going to come out in full force in the new year, so here's hoping for that!!!
22. Favorite place you visited this year?
OHHHH interesting. Probably the Jim Henson lot in Los Angeles! My bestie/beta @kermitwazowski got married there and it was one of the coolest places I've ever been! There are two giant kermits and a bunch of Muppets all over the place! The lot used to belong to Charlie Chaplin so they had some of his stuff around too, which was really cool! Unfortunately they're selling the lot to focus on their other studio in Burbank, so I'm incredibly grateful I got to see the place before it switched owners!
#THANK YOU NAT!!!!#ILY!!!!#i hope these answers were at least a little interesting#:)#i hope YOU can look back on this past year and find some moments of joy!#it's been a joy getting to know you <3#emma blabs#tumblr game#tag game#arzen9#thanks for the ask!#answered#mine
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your drawings literally makes my day !! thank you so much <3 hope you have a great summer winter spring autumn - ❣️
Getting myself ready for the best Summerwinter Springautumn!
#ask#non mdzs#digital art#Drawing is usually my favorite part of my day (sometimes I admit to fighting for my life with my pen and pencil but only *sometimes*)#And while I will always make sure that I am doing this for my own joy - It also makes me happy to know that other people enjoy my art B*)#I hope I can keep making you laugh! Thank you so much for reading my comics!#Summerwinter SpringAutumn has been making *me* laugh for the last few days.#Understandably it is a catch all for whatever season I may be in-#But I am also obsessed with the idea that it is a genuine conglomerate of weather phenomena.#You must get dressed for literally all weather types.#The secret is probably just making sure everything is waterproof. And layers. Layers will get you through all seasons.#I tried drawing a little hawaiian shirt but it failed my 3 attempts rule. Naked Fer shall be. That's the real summer way baby!#Psst you. Reading these tags. I am challenging you to go draw your sona in an all season outfit. It's fun!#No more 'draw your OC in this sexy outfit.' It's time for 'how much style could they pull off while battling all weather at once.'
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i can’t wait for laudna and imogen telling everyone they're together and orym just silently being 100% unsurprised and, to himself cuz he’d never say it out loud, going “took you long enough” cuz it has felt this whole time like orym is the Elder Queer seeing two inexperienced people secretly falling for each other and watching a repeat of moments and feelings and dynamics that are so deeply familiar to him
#i know laudna is older than him but u get what i mean#he got fully married and is way more experienced with this stuff#thinking about how sad but wistfully beautiful it must feel to him#watching the way liam has played orym watching them and responding to them has been one of the joys of imodna for me#also i think ashton might actually say “took you long enough” out loud#imodna#laudna#imogen temult#bells hells#critical role#campaign 3#cr3#orym of the air ashari#crit role#mine
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Nuestra señora.
#em draws stuff#oc time again hehe#marian mantle#the maiden: catalina tavárez y lázaro#I still don't have a tag for cata because her name is a billion years long and it's all important...#<- now I do :3#but this has been in progress since march and I forgot how to do lighting and it's whatEVER#anyway. who's excited for fucked-up marianism who's cheering in joy for fucked-up marianism.#this particular statue is mostly the virgin of guadalupe which is in referenced to a motif in this story that I don't know even Works now#(mostly because I don't remember if the cult of the virgin of guadalupe was like. A Thing in mid19thcentury california)#but it Is important/funny to me since the whole thing there is Cloak Related and there will be significant manta rays later#<- note where the 'manta' in manta ray comes from. mantle. Cloak.#john steinbeck I'll Get you. just watch me john steinbeck.
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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𝗚𝗮𝗹𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗶𝗻𝘃𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗼𝗿. Make no mistake, when you're signing up for any course taught by Professor Dekarios, you can expect a rigorous, trying, and extremely rewarding time. Gale, as an instructor with high expectations -- both for himself and for his pupils -- will never allow 'taking it easy' to feel acceptable. Slack on your coursework, and rest assured, you will be in for murder and a half of an exam-season crunch. When signing up for him, he expects you to take your studies very seriously. As such, with not a hint of interest in wasting your time, he will thoroughly test your abilities and challenge your limits. He does this out of care, both for the integrity of his field and the sheer love of learning, and when one chances on his seminars with his funny worded lectures, one would see easily his love for his craft.
He's animated and excited. He encourages participation and offers both spectacle and awe. He'd veil the ceiling with the stars or reanimate a small mouse to scamper about the floor. He's a man of bold actions and incredibly strong impressions, and as such, he aims as much as possible to captivate his classroom -- an endeavor, of course, that can both endear and frustrate. To most, his unparalleled zeal would feel borderline infectious. He may be a difficult grader and offers very little room to catch up when you slack, but his reputation to most would be challenging but fair -- and, to most who pass him, actually inspiring.
In fact, it isn't all too difficult to believe why students (and a great deal of them, too!) would like him. Beyond his fame, of course, he is also known to be an incredibly thoughtful man. Invested in his pupils, he consistently supports visiting him during any time during his office hours. If time permits it, too, he'd even offer a little 1:1 session. In fact, he'd even go so far as to pick out the interests and the strengths of particular students. If one struggles in illusion, for example, he may notice instead that they've a fondness for the clerical. In that instance, he would do his research to offer them prospects in that field that would offer more enjoyment, pulling up eligible courses and instructors he vets.
Overall, Gale is a difficult, sometimes unorthodox, controversial, and invigorating professor. And what's more, it doesn't seem he's a love saved for only wizardry and spellcraft, but a most genuine devotion to his students as well.
#HEADCANON.#And...he's easy on the eyes. <3 thank you#Did you know I was going to be a teacher at some point? That didn't work out LMAO. But Gale#definitely strikes me as the guy on ratemyprofessor that gets scores like#'10 chili pepper. His class is a pain in the ass but he's a joy.'#and also '5/10. the guy is fantastic but i considered not buckling up to class some mornings because crashing would've been#more merciful.' he's FANTASTIC at lecturing and yknow when u have that teacher that clearly loves what he's teaching AND teaching YOU?#and it's so infectious and great to have? even nursing ur love for whatever ur learning even more? that's gale.#he's gonna make it hurt so bad but so good
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my cds (and cassette tape) finally arrived in the mail today!!
#I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS#was getting 10 cds and a cassette tape at once maybe a bit overkill? possibly#but i saw the bogo free sale banner and my brain lept at the chance to get more cds for half the price lol#i feel like my collection might be growing a bit too fast esp considering i only started collecting them this fall#but also I HAVE A WHOLE PILE OF CDS NOW LOOK AT IT THERE'S SO MANY AND THEY'RE MY FAVORITE ALBUMS TOO#it's like seeing blorbo from your music in real life in your home#just looking at a cd and being like !!! i literally listen to you every day i didn't know you were also Real#the difference between having something only on your phone even if you still see/listen to it a lot and having a Physical Thing is massive#just. i haven't even opened these up yet they look so pretty im just staring at them in awe while typing this rn#ykw 10 cds is a lot to unbox all at once and if they have extra stuff on the inside too i don't think I'd be able to fully appreciate it#i think im gonna save some of the unwrapping for later as a lil treat maybe for when im having a bad day#so i can come home and unwrap it and look inside and get that serotonin boost#just a lil something i can look forward to in the future :3#they said money can't buy happiness but it turns out i just did and my happiness comes in the form of physical media lol#and ykw i think this is a pretty sweet deal like if i had to choose any hobby to spend money on this would be a great choice#it's cheap you get to support your favorite musicians and you get infinite dopamine out of it (well as long as the cd lasts ig)#just. im still looking at them i cant believe the pictures and sounds from my phone are Real and i can touch them now#...it's probably gonna take a while for me to get over the awe and actually open them up and start looking inside for goodies and stuff#ive been meaning to take pictures of the cool stuff from the precious cds that i got but i still haven't gotten around to it lol#just. the emotions are too big. even just looking at it brings me so much joy that if i opened it up to find more stuff inside#it'd be too much for my brain to handle and it would just explode or something lol#anyway i think that wall of text is long enough so im gonna go admire my cds some more now#mine#cd#cds#cassette tape#music#reminder#for later#<- and that is so i actually remember to open them up and look inside instead of just admiring it like a painting
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Living alone and so far from my family and closest friends is really really rEALLY hard
#my stuff#i’m doing my best i’m doing my best (not enough. bc it’s never enough.)#i need a hug i need to be held i’m hungry or cold or tired or all 3 for like 80% of the day every day#i know it sounds stupid but touch starvation is a real thing and it GNAWS at you#it makes you feel so small and wretched and isolated on a deep level#i feel like if someone tried to touch me or get close to me affectionately i would throw up as a rejection response#like eating something your body has forgotten how to digest#i’ve been loved i’ve been treated gently before but i don’t have that now and i miss it#because the touch starve coupled with everything else is just. devastating#the body is a machine and i’m keeping it running on 20 miles in the tank for months in winter and it’s been years since an oil change#i used to take a kind of pride in enduring hunger and cold and discomfort stoically#now i just wanna cry and curl up in bed and wake up in some magic future where everything is better#where good food is cheap and my friends are okay and the things that bring me joy are abundant and obtainable
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Not aiming this at anyone specifically, but I’m genuinely so disappointed & annoyed at the fact no one in my real life circles bothered to reach out to me to check up on me regarding the recent Liam Payne/One Direction news.
#ignore if you want I’m just gonna vent a minute#it’s been over 3 days now & almost nothing#They know I was/am a fan of at least 1d or could take a pretty good educated guess if nothing else#& yet not one person who knows me personally bothered to ask if I was alright#And honestly… I’m not#I’m fucking struggling#it’s just so complex n confusing & I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with everything#I get it people are busy and have their own things going#& they probably don’t think it’s a big deal losing Liam as it was just a silly little boyband to them#but to me n to everyone who was there for those years it feels so so strangely personal#like a longtime distant friend has just been ripped away so tragically#& not only the tragic death of a person but the death of your adolescence & all the innocence of that time#the end of an era that had so much joy n significance in your life#& I know it’s probably not easy to tell I’m upset bc I keep my emotions pretty much exclusively to myself (thanks autism)#but honestly it’s just so invalidating and isolating to not have anyone to talk to#I already feel so completely alone in general bc no one ever checks in with me n stuff like this just solidifies that#I just don’t think it would have been so difficult just to drop a quick message to say ‘hope you’re okay’ or ‘thinking of you’ at least#it would have made a difference#& I know this post isn’t gonna matter to anyone but I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere bc it’s weighing on me a lot#anyway if you got to here thanks for your time n I hope you’re doing okay!!#feel free to reach out to me if you ever want/need to ❤️❤️❤️#wow that was a lot#personal#Kirsty talks#my posts#my stuff#1d#Liam Payne#one direction
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if i were to rank every fandom i have ever been a part of not by how good the piece of media itself is and not by how tolerable the community is but just by how much fun i had rotating it in my mind and making fan content and being a Part of something bigger and watching other people rotate it in their mind and comparing it and doing all the things that make fandom as great as it is all the top spots would be occupied by mcyt fandoms. like at least the top 3. i dont know the exact order i would place them in but nothing else ever even came close to beating them. and i would never recommend them to anyone! partly because theyre always a pain in the ass to get into and partly because the format might just not work for a lot of people but Also because its just unimaginably painful and exhausting. its completely worth it for Me Personally but you really should not risk it. never become a mcyt fan for your own good
#and also because one of those top 3 fandom is dream smp which is. well#and aside from obvious reasons its also like impossible to get into in 2024. you can Continue being a fan but not Start#that ship has sailed and its probably for the best#anyway ive just been thinking about lifesteal a lot and now the life series too (again) after how fun the wild life finale was#mcyt fandoms fill me with so much love and joy at getting to be a part of something like this its so wonderful#but you shouldnt do it. again. probably not worth it. get all your mcyt info from Me!#im smart and always right about everything and love thinking about block people too much please ask me if you ever want to know anythong
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Thinking more Thoughts about Skirk and Tartaglia and while he does seem to have had a drastic personality change while in the abyss, I personally enjoy the interpretation that Tartaglia was always Like That. It was always just kind of simmering beneath the surface, maybe not fully developed yet, but definitely there. He ran away from home for a reason, after all! It was too monotonous for him! He wanted something more! An adventure, a great battle! Literally all he took with him was a bag of bread and a weapon!
And Skirk was the first one to not only drag all that out of him, to see all these pieces of Tartaglia that he wasn't really sure about yet, but she embraced it (she "nurtured the ability to stir up endless havoc from within Ajax's trouble-mongering nature" according to canon), and that helped him to embrace it and sharpen it in turn.
So when they do finally reunite, and she of course calls him Ajax because that was how she knew him back then, I love the thought of Tartaglia noticing he strangely doesn't feel the need to correct her. He maybe tells her later that he changed his name when he became a Fatui Harbinger, because she would notice everyone addressing him differently from her, but it's just to state a fact. He doesn't tell her that she needs to call him "Tartaglia" too. Because the name change had been meant as a new start and a new path, something different and further away from the legend his father had named him after, but Skirk was the one person to see Ajax as he really was and not only fully accept, but encourage it. So he finds he doesn't mind it when she uses his old name. It's ok when it's coming from her. ♡
((...I mean all of this in a derogatory way btw, Skirk actively made him worse in the most hilarious way possible and I love that for her HEKDJJDKDMDMF))
#genshin impact skirk#skirtaru#genshin impact childe#genshin impact tartaglia#genshin impact ajax#why does this boy need to have so many names#'Feroluce do you mean this romantically or platonically' yes#that meme of pushing 3 buttons on a soda machine but it's me hitting the Romance QPR and Found Family buttons on the skirtaru machine zjkdjs#I just think they're neat#I love Skirk making Taru Worse and him finding freedom and joy in it#Taru was always kind of Like That but he absolutely would not have been as bad without her influence nzkznsmd#domestication arc over before it could hardly begin; Skirk cut that leash years ago and there's been no going back ever since sksjkdkf#I want them to hunt down and kill something in the abyss together#you know#platonic couple's activities uwu#genshin impact#tartaglia#skirk#ok I'm done now waiting on 4.2 before I get overinvested for realsies now skzjkdkf
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☆ ─ TO THE MOON AND BACK :
happy birthday @sukichuu 🖤
#bang chan#chan#stray kids#bystay#createskz#a9gifs#*gfx#*ccarly#*chan#*carly:chan#idek if i tag this but whatever. this is for LI!!!! AND LI ONLY#this looked way better in my head and i messed some shit up but i know it'll make u cry anyway and that's what matters <3#me getting this idea literally at like 11 pm last night while i was looking for smth to dojsklfgjlsdfjlsg#but darling jestie beloved!! happy birthday i know this is a hard day for you everyyyy year#but i'm so happy this is the third birthday of yours i get to celebrate :(( and i will always celebrate#bc i am so happy u were born on this day!! i'm gonna say that to u in a msg too i'm sure but i'll say it 50 billion times!!#you are so dear to me i know ur gonna say i didn't have to do anything for u but i had to ok. bc i had the idea and i love you#and i'll make u 50 billion things if it means bringing u a little more joy <3#ok that's enough from me here.#raise ur hands if you've ever been personally victimized by the oddinary and maxident album covers btw. ugly bitches
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Here we are– you are the first of the 4 in which I completed. MSpaint spooky/thoughtful Cayin doodle. It was fun deciding on what to do. Hope you enjoy, Croc. Hope you don’t mind that I was feeling BB Cayin <3
// AAAAAAAAAAAHHH this is so lovely!! You nail his style perfectly, this came out so cool. Thank you Cat!!
#submission#Your art is always a joy- and when it's about the snake gentleman himself I just feel so lucky ;u; <3#don't mind it being BB Cayin at all! ER may have been my focus lately but I still think a lot about the Victorian snek with a hat#plus you capture him so perfectly#also I have to say I'm a huge fan of your usual artstyle but I also really dig the rougher style of your MSpaint doodles!#this could be a portrait for when you talk to him in a very stylish point-and-click adventure game#the way the lines frame him. The way you incorporate the white into his dark clothing and his overall pose her#is such a cool mood#if you make the image smaller and the pixels become more pencil drawing-like it feels like a small illustration over a tabletop statline#or a quest's description#in other words your art just gets the thoughts in my brain moving and I really like that!#the small touch of the colored bow on his ponytail is a neat detail too#and you know what I kinda love the way that warm sepia-ish tone feels#and you know what I kinda love the way that warm sepia-ish circle in the back could be the moon or the sun depending on how you look at it#because it plays really nicely into the duality of Cayin's shadowy style with the theme of the sun for Yig#gives a bit of an Autumn vibe to the picture too :y#but yes I could go on- love it. Love it to bits 8]#hexenjagd#friend art
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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