#it's bcs i had a v bad day but anyway
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#i genuinely want to get better#life has been really overwhelming and i am tired#i wish i can be numb asap to stuff that's been bothering me cause i am tired and i don't want to deal with it anymore#sad to see how stuff and people that always lighten my mood up just don't have the same effects to me rn#i always said to sarina how i really want to sleep for so loooong and i meant that#anyways good day lovelies#sorry you have to hear me being miserable again and again#it's bcs i had a v bad day but anyway#beytalks
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just soaked ya know?
#me#my body#i had a v bad day#so my loss is ur gain#bc bad day = stoned tub time#anyway#nsft pics#this will be tagged#also 98% sure i’ll be ovulating the over the next few days and like. i’m not ready
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what constitutes being a monster in spn is so deeply interesting bc so much of the show is used to argue that monstrosity is not about what you are but what you do. And that you can always be a better person, your monstrous traits aren’t necessarily actually monstrous.
but as the show goes on we learn that this is only true if dean deems you human. So sams monstrous traits must be buried deep and thrown out in order for him to be good. Sams monstrous friends are inherently evil bc dean says so. Deans monstrous friends are fine though, of course.
I’m just eternally wishing for a version of this show where sams abilities are so deeply ingrained in him that he can’t ever get rid of them. And he’s allowed to be a hero regardless. Give me a season 5 where sams eyes randomly go yellow. Or he has to deal with demon traps or he needs to control his emotions bc anger from him can be literally explosive, but regardless of all of this he still shows dean more compassion than dean ever leant to him in season 4. And regardless of all this he still beats the devil.
#Fr the thread they play with abt what makes a monster in s1-4 is my favorite thing about the show bar none#and I always personally just view it as ‘of course Sam is right. It’s about your actions more than anything else’#despite the fact that the show essentially ends up arguing the opposite#and ends up being like ‘NO. You BURY that shit. You take anything that makes you a freak and you do EVERYTHING you can to get rid of it’ <3#Anyways. I love this show and it makes me really sad#spn#lea speaks#I’m sure this is incoherent#I’m making a lot of personal posts bc it’s rly late and I’ve had v little sleep and I’ve felt kinda bad all day#my filter is low
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there's no better feeling in the world than being a killer's favorite during a match frfr
#archived mind of v: thoughts and opinions.#it's 6am and im looking back on some of the clips i have saved nd#i came across one of my matches against the pig nd i was her favorite#it was very cool#not even a minute into the match nd she finds me on a gen nd lets me boop her nose#nd she aggressively nods nd then leaves me be to kill my other teammates#best feeling for sure but also#the guilt. the guilt is real.#one time i had a match against the spirit nd i was her favorite and#i did my damn hardest to keep my team alive but she killed all of them#nd then opened gate and let me leave#and man. man i felt Bad.#i very rarely am ever the killer's favorite bc haha.#but when i am it's either the best feeling in the world or it's a soul-crushing guilty one#anyways. hi. ive been coping by playing dbd. if u could not tell.#i think i'll probably post the cody valentines day prompt when i wake up later#nd maybe if im up for it i can like...#get started on the other two
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Can’t wait for my drivers license to arrive so I can be driving legally again for the first time in 1.5 years!
#for legal reasons this is a joke#SO THIS IS WHATS UP#as a youngin#a young adult one might say#I was starting to learn that some systems are bullshit when I���d previously been a pretty big rule-follower#my mom showing me how to navigate the healthcare system a bit/showing me how student loans legit have practices to confuse and fuck us over#also im really bad at getting things in on time (this is an important fact)#so when I see that my drivers license is abt to expire. I’m like ‘Oup gotta get that done!’ then promptly forget abt it#next time I remember it’s 3 months expired.#I check the date and realize that wait! in a year imma be turning 21 and just one yr after that Real ID’s will become mandatory (im p sure)#so I decide to push off renewing my license! I think that the whole process will b annoying asf bc I’ve only dealt with the DMV in-person#and it SUCKED and took forever. I’m thinking that if I renew my drivers license right on/after my 21st birthday I can knock out two birds#with one stone: I can get it as a Real ID and I can get an updated picture that’s flipped sideways so getting age-checked is faster#little do i know: it’s v much illegal to be driving around with an expired license!#I drive around for a year (over a year? I don’t remember when I first realized it was expired) j having fun#then one month b4 my 21st birthday I get into an abroad study thing and have to get my passport. which I realize is also expired. and#realize that to renew my passport I have to have a valid drivers license. At this point I also realize how fucked I could be if I get pulled#over with my expired license. so I check out the process for DL renewal and rejoice! it’s online!#AND THANK FUCK I CHECKED THEN. bc if I had waited LITERALLY two more days I would not have been able to renew online and would’ve had to go#in-person. and there were no in-person appointments until after my 21st. and I learned in this process abt the fines my state applies when u#renew a DL late and ALSO that u have to entirely retake the test/redo all the paperwork shit if it’s expired for too long. I would’ve had to#retake the test n everything if I’d gone past my bday. I was also in another state for college. idk how incoherent these ramblings are but#basically I would’ve been Ultra Fucked. anyways! got that figured out#renewed the DL and had it sent to my home. then da house floods and crime goes up in the neighborhood and my DL ends up either being lost#Or tossed (with other flood-damaged things) or stolen.#I don’t realize this for 4 months bc I am silly. also in college out-of-state. also other reasons.#finally got around to calling DMV and telling them that my DL never arrived… 6 months after I renewed it!#and they were v sweet and are resending me my DL for free. so in the next few weeks I shall finally b driving legally again#!!!! the end#mypost
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term#time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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#[ i've been a little MIA ]#[ --- and i will continue to be so xD ]#[ just having some v bad pain days all of a sudden ]#[ me looking back to my f1 gaming session: it's your fault ]#[ at least i had fun with the game ]#[ i miss playing it i don't get to do it much bc my hands hate me afterwards fjffjj ]#[ i also had to take my cat to the vet :( ]#[ she is totally fine now but yeah i was worried about her! ]#[ anyways - i just gotta let my hands rest and i'll - hopefully - be back soon 8D ]#[ hope you're all doing good guys! thank you for your patience! ]#toby post. ╱ out of character.
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૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎ა good mornin & happy tuesday!! i hope everybun woke up so refreshed & ready to start today w so much love in your hearts & in the universe!! ໒꒰ྀི ´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა mwah!!
#i woke up kinda upset & then had a p bad panic attack which sucked ໒꒰ྀི◞ ︿ ◟ ꒱ྀི১ so i feel like i already took the L for today lmaozksk#but it can still improve!! i have hope that it’ll be able to turn around :3#its back to work for your girl after a v long wknd & i’m a lil nervy for some reason!! ૮꒰ྀི ´∩∩` ꒱ྀིა hopefully this feelin subsides soon!!#i hate bein kinda upset on dash bc thats not who i usually am but w these retrogrades & everyth my brain feels like soup ໒꒰ྀི •̩̩̩̩＿•̩̩̩̩ ꒱ྀ#ANYWAYS!! i love you all so sm & i hope you have the v best day ever!! ໒꒰ྀི ◜ ‧̮ ◝ ꒱ྀིა#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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story of my life tbh
#completely ignoring what happened with the album preorders… guess who dropped a load of cash on a game that they have no time to play~?#yeah… me… ಥ‿ಥ i still haven’t finished p5r too… so b s#i woke up from my mid-dinner nap and just… had this thought of ‘damn i need to buy the collectors ed of nirvana initiative’ so… yeah#i can’t wait to get onto the game’s inevitable equivalent of an annihilation route on my initial blind playthrough lmaoooo#i swear ztd aside i’ve always alwaysssss somehow gotten on the one route where p. much everyone kicks the bucket on my initial playthroughs#(of the games by that particular director anyway)#999? knife ending. vlr? luna route. aitsf? annihilation ending. am i just bad at making decisions or sth lmaoooo#though ig it could be worse? there was that other character ending in vlr that was kinda… ye a h. iirc#hmmmmm but ngl i kinda miss 999 the funyarinpa bit was funny#but the 2 room was hella gross ngl as was the thing in the 3 room… and the 5 room was it? hm…#either way fictional science: the escape room games were fun~ i wonder if there will be a callback to 999 in ni though bc n i r v a n a —#…though i have to say… aitsf ruined me fr. now i can’t look at acetone without thinking ‘asetton-chan~’#which sucks bc i have to use acetone like every day sooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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i hate 2 say it but i kinda hope ben gets offed soon so i can stop seeing tweets of people hating him
#i dont even follow these people!!!#its truly such a bummer when a character u like suddenly gets hated on a bunch#its happened in the past and has made me just. stop liking characters and fandoms all together bc i got sick of seeing it everywhere#v hopeful that doesnt happen here but! whos to say#i still havent watched 2x04-2x06 i have had no motivation to bc everything i see is negative#yj spoilers#negative cw#anyway its 4:30am and i had a kinda bad day anyway so i am Off for the night#used to be a ben survives truther but now i simply want everyone to forget he exists
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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If I had shapeshifting powers like Odo I'd turn into an orangutan and teach other great apes sign language (but for real) and ignite Intelligent Super Ape Socialism
#i may have planet of the apes on my current sci-fi roster alongside ds9#the new ones that i never watched bc i grew up on the old ones and also didn't care for james franco & his involvement lol#thank caesar he was only in the first (which ho boy has some of the worst dialogue writing ive experienced in a long time)#if they make the CGI any further realistic it will be too much. the newest one was ever so slightly too uncanny imo#they are apes stop trying to give them more humanlike gestures/expressions. ape express self & communicate emotions in ape way not human#also the story was the worst. Rise had bad 2011 dialogue but a good story while Kingdom was v bad story which is way less forgivable#its trying to do too much & thus too many threads go unwoven by the end#like clearly its laying the groundwork for Noa igniting an ape educational revolution that leads to Ape City & its scientists but it should#have been more focused on that/the ape factions. but noo they hired a pretty young actress to get in the way for 2 hours so thats where the#story spent most of its time 🙄🙄🙄#best part of the human storyline was the 5 seconds of dichen lachman at the very end#Dawn and War were sick as hell though. really good movies & the ape mocap CGI goldilocks-ed in a way we'll probably never see again bc ever#every studio is convinced hyper-realism is the ultimate universal goal with sci-fi/fantasy visual effects 🙄#ANYWAY PLANET OF THE APES RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY IF I DONT STOP MYSELF NOW ILL YAP ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT I FUCKIN' LOVE PLANET OF THE APES#if intelligent aliens exist & are aware of earth they dont fuck w humans bc they see how we treat our ape cousins in this essay i will.....
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yeah fuck it aphmau's 2015 minecraft roleplay series can get me back into fandom culture. sure. why not. adult life is already so fucking weird.
#heres the thing#im approaching this series as an adult man working on an english degree#as an academic#that part of my trade is a big part of who i am and how i interact with media as a whole#so honestly i am now interested in these videos as a method of storytelling#and asking myself#how did mcd captivate audiences like me? what was done in the making of this to hook people and make them really care?#what did people get out of watching this and was it intentional or what?#obviously this series has immense value to countless people and i wanna understand exactly how to get a better idea of how media shapes us#and also how is media shaped by the way it shapes its audience#like a bad movie that you love anyways because it came out at an important time in your life#or a flawed game series that fans still love#what draws us to these things#what is it exactly that makes things that aren't high art compelling to us?#how does the love of an audience give media value regardless of its artistic value or even its overall quality#im the type of person that is of the opinion that bad media can be good media because of the effect it has on others#like marvel movies are intersting to me as something to study bc its a behemoth of cultural context and context from rights disputes#and i feel like watching the properties says a lot about the current state of the industry and world at large#do i enjoy the movies or shows? not usually lol#ok deadpool v wolverine was kinda fun#but i like to see what the immense funding and the collaboration of hundreds can create#even when its not really like... good#its still interesting#and it still has cultural value! emotional value! i had fun watching deadpool v wolverine#bc i was high and having a good day out with my friends who i love#and i like the general ideas behind marvel stories#thats valuable!#god#ok#nerd rant over
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this assay is so fucking fake......
#same one ive been working on for like 3 months. every other assay ive trained on took me a couple goes to get but ive done this one ~45x#and i keep getting 2 good runs and then 1 fail. which SUCKS bc i need 3 passes in a row to sign off on it#and its so sensitive that changing even tiny things like using a different brand same volume beaker. or a 0.5cm longer flea#anyway i had another 2 good runs this week so this was my 3rd but bc its a friday afternoon im tired as fuck and keep making dumb mistakes#like overstirring it + one of my samples leaked which is soooo embarrassing bc ive already had to ask for more before bc its taken me-#almost 50 fucking attempts already#anyway. hour and a half into prep and im at the most crucial time sensitive part which is pipetting thr enzyme into the substrate#and i manage to do it all w even time spacing (u have to replicate the exact same pace at the end of the timer or it doesnt work)#and then realise id picked up a different identical model pipette that was set to half the volume i was meant to put in FUUUUCK#by that point i was like fuck it im almost 2 hours in and nothing else to do the rest of the day. so ill work around it + see what happens#i figured well its half the volume. so if i add the same half volume again at the 5 minute mark and leave it for 12.5 instead of 10 mins#then itll hydrolyse the substrate to the same degree. IN THEORY in practice this stuff never works bc of error margins etc#bearing in mind this js like 30 seconds of thought bc it took me a couple mins to realise what i did#but the thing abt working in a lab is u make these split second decisions constantly bc everything is so time sensitive#so u have to be quick thinking on ur feet#anyway long story short got to the end of the 3 hour process. which i was carrying out v sloppily bc the chances of it working were-#slim by that point lmao. but lo and behold it was completely fucking fine. all cvs less than 5% and averages <5% of spec#which is awesome bc it means after THREE MONTHS and like. 45x3 whats that AT LEAST 135 HOURS OF FOCUSED TIME ON IT#not counting attempts i gave up on halfway thru bc id alreaady fucked them up bad#i can FINALLY sign off on it lmfao. but im just so mad like why does it play these mind games with me. it shouldnt have worked#whatever chemistry is such a fickle stupid science. anyway wahoo weekend time baby#gorgeous weather here + im gonna get pizza on the way home...... maybe life doesnt suck sometimes 😇#mutuals if ur still at work stay strong soldiers#.diaries
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#i feel extra boring lately so i apologize for that#not doing a lot unusual just grinding last moogle stones in xiv before the 10-5 patch#and farming stuff to improve characters in sr#don't have enough jades to roll on anything so nothing exciting to report there#my luck's been so shit anyway it's all gone to just 4* lightcones mostly#and i was gonna grind materials bc i have a bunch of fuel#only to realize i've been tearing through credits bad#like i used to have well over 2mill now i have 700k#like i went through it FAST#now i feel like i need to slow in grinding bc improving lightcones/levels is gonna drain my credits to nothing#so i guess just let the fuel sit and improve slowly again?#i guess all the $bp mats and improving like crazy had an unfortunate side effect welp.#i have two last quests in sr i really should finish and two old 'waves of stuff' from belobog#but idk mood swings and shit have been hitting v hard the last couple days and it's leaving me just kind of#...off? down? executive disfunctioned? low mood low energy low enthusiasm idk#and tired but when am i not with my sleep fuckery#i could use a mood boost but idk where to get it i guess i just need to wait it out
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