#it's an important option for life partners to have! but we need to treat it more like a legal tool

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

we need to step away from viewing marriage as inherently romantic, or the primary goal of romance. marriage is a legal contract we use to create important ties--financial, medical, next-of-kin, mediating shared property and parental rights. the details vary a lot based on where you are and what paperwork you sign. which is not very romantic! but it does have many real-world effects on our ability to share our lives with our partners.

first and foremost, marriage is a legal right we use to build and protect our families, whatever that family may look like

[botanicalsword]

Relationship ✧ Sun Signs in Composite Chart

Planets in the Composite Chart

Sun – Personality Traits

In psychological astrology, the Sun represents our self-awareness and the identity we resonate with. It symbolizes what we deem important in life, as well as our relationship with father figures or male authority figures, reflecting our pursuits and values.

In a relationship chart, the Sun illustrates how partners influence each other through their respective Suns. Each individual is a unique entity with distinct growth experiences and thought patterns, and the Sun reveals their differing perspectives on one another.

Fire Signs

When the Sun is in a fire sign - generally positive and proactive The overall connection is favorable, and those around you are supportive, even your friends are shipping your relationship!

Leo - there may be instances of conflict where one or both parties can be quite proud

Aries - there might be issues with one or both individuals having a bad temper, leading to arguments.

Sagittarius - remains proactive, but there could be distance issues or infrequent meetings, leading to changes in the relationship; still a joyful and relaxed connection, discussing life and dreams

Water Signs

When the Sun in a water sign - a sense of tenderness and romance, along with feelings of dependency and warmth; the relationship may develop slowly, with emotional turbulence and confusion

Cancer - there’s a familial feeling and a sense of closeness, but it’s important to pay attention to emotional security

Scorpio - there’s a tendency to be persistent and passionate, but issues of control, jealousy, and mistrust may arise, leading to discomfort or conflicts

Pisces - the relationship may lack clarity or be ambiguous, with the possibility of other options or multiple connections. It may not be very supportive, and one party may be evasive or indecisive, leading to emotional turmoil and secrecy/ the relationship can be romantic and beautiful, filled with wonderful fantasies and expectations

Air Signs

When the Sun in an air sign - may be infrequent, and the relationship could feel lukewarm / distance issues / those around you may not be optimistic, and both parties might need personal space

Gemini - there may be good communication between both parties. However, distance issues could arise, possibly due to online connections or infrequent meetings / There might also be other options at the beginning or during the relationship, leading to changes, or external factors causing the two to spend less time together and rely on online communication

Libra - treating each other as partners, but the intimacy may not be sufficient. There may be a sense of mutual respect, but closeness might require companionship to deepen the relationship, which could have a cooperative aspect

Aquarius - favorable , the relationship won’t be too bad / there may be distance issues, possibly meeting through mutual friends or introductions / interactions may be limited, leading to a sense of intellectual connection / both parties may approach the relationship rationally, leading to instability

Earth Signs

When the Sun in an earth sign - the relationship may start through introductions or arranged meetings, focusing on practical conditions or being busy with work and finances / there are many real-life factors to consider, such as future development and career planning / the relationship tends to be stable and enduring, with both parties willing to compromise and make practical contributions

Taurus - Both parties can persist in the relationship, supported by the environment, making it resilient through challenges / one party may sometimes be too stubborn or overly focused on material aspects, particularly the male partner, which could slow down the relationship’s development, especially if one is preoccupied with making money

Virgo - leading to potential changes in the relationship / There may be good communication, with the male partner willing to contribute, and a strong sense of mutual care - there could be tendencies to be overly critical or nagging, and both parties may need to handle daily chores and work, leading to instability in the relationship, especially if the environment is not very supportive

Capricorn - The relationship may start through introductions or arranged meetings, aligning with societal expectations and considering material conditions / there’s a need to weigh pros and cons and consider various practical factors / once committed, the relationship tends to be stable and enduring, though one party may sometimes feel repressed, appearing cold and pragmatic

✧✧✧✧ >> Relationship ✧ What’s their love language in this connection? • Marks Chart >> Relationship • Tough feeling & Challenges • Marks Chart >> Relationship ✧ The focus of your connection • Composite Chart

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[dollypopup]

sorry, still on this soapbox but

we have really, REALLY done Colin a disservice in this fandom. we spent so long viewing him primarily as a Love Interest and not as a Character. But when we see and analyze him as a character, so many of his actions make sense, and it becomes almost ridiculous, the dynamics we've imposed on this couple (yes, I'm talking about the 'Colin fucked up and needs to prove himself to Penelope' narrative) when there's so much more nuance and beauty to their pairing than we give them credit for

we as the audience focus so much on Penelope's perspective in their relationship, of course, because we have so much of her perspective in the show, and so our frustrations with Colin stem from that, but we get more insight into him than Penelope does. The 'I would never court her' scene that we've been livid over for years is considerably softened when we actually look at Colin as a character, and the circumstances around his actions.

Colin spends season 2 SAD. He is straight up not okay. We leave Colin in Season 1 freshly heartbroken and running away to Greece to heal. In Season 2, we meet him again, considerably more somber. Colin doesn't participate in the dances. He even says 'I'm just a spectator'. Colin talks about how he started a conversation with himself, tried to understand what he wants and how he feels. Colin offers Benedict shroom tea, and for a moment, JUST A MOMENT, we see the facade slip. His mask cracks. 'Are you quite alright, brother?' and then it's gone. Then he's cheerful again. Calm Colin. Nice Colin.

Colin who is okay.

But Colin is *not* okay. Colin completely isolates himself from women. Colin doesn't flirt, doesn't entertain female attention. Colin is heartbroken, trying to be better. But he views Penelope as a friend, a sacred relationship, a worthwhile relationship, and he can't bear to lose her. To him, Penelope is arguably his closest friendship. His best friend. And in an entire town full of people who don't listen to him, he thinks Penelope does. Unlike the typical dynamic of the ton, in which men are ONLY speaking to women by viewing them as potential sexual partners, Colin views Penelope as a whole person. She doesn't just exist as a romantic option to him, but as a vital connection in his life. That's why the 'I am a woman' 'You are. . .Pen' is so important to view as an act of love- Penelope is NOT just a woman as the ton sees her, good for marriage prospects and little else, Penelope is a complete person. Yes, she's a woman, but more importantly, she's PEN. She's a full human being. And he values her as such. We cannot say the same for the grand majority of men in his society. Tell me any other male-female friendships like that in the ton where that level of respect is given?

But for Penelope, it's hurtful, because she WANTS to be seen as a romantic option in his eyes. That's a fair feeling, though we as an audience should recognize that it can be both upsetting to Pen, and also deeply beautiful as a sentiment. Because of Penelope's hopes of Colin as a romantic prospect, she does not see that he is hurting. Because of our connection as a fandom to Penelope, we do not see it, either. But he *is* hurting. In all of Season 2 he's hurting. That's why he throws himself into the Jack mess. He wants, NEEDS a distraction. He wants to find a place in his world, his society. Honestly? He needs a win. He has spent the last year losing and losing and losing. Who can blame him for being sick of it? His engagement blows up, he finds out his family pays no attention to him, that no one cares about his agency, and he's publicly humiliated. If he invests, if he makes money, he might make more male connections. Might run in more important circles. Like his brothers do. Might prove himself. But Colin isn't friends with the men of the ton. We don't see ANY evidence that he has strong friendships with any of them. Because he isn't like them.

He is 22 years old. Treated like a child in his own family. When he talks about his travels, no one listens. Everyone dismisses him. 'Remarkable, yes, in the sense that I have many remarks about it'. Colin is invisible. He is trying to slot himself in his community, but he does not fit neatly into it. He connects with Will, a man outside his community, and Penelope, a woman also outside his community, because *Colin* exists outside his community. He's the foolish boy who fell headfirst for a woman who lied to him. He's the 'green' baby walking in his older brother's footsteps and unable to fill them. He doesn't behave the way other men of the ton do. He doesn't talk like other men of the ton do. Hell, he *apologizes* to women. We have men NOW in the MODERN ERA who don't even apologize to women.

His own *mother* doesn't even notice he was dating someone for several months in season 1. Colin is a pretty, empty ghost wandering around Mayfair, and so of course he's thrown into a locker room conversation with a bunch of guys who have never once seen a woman as a person, and doesn't relate to them. Colin's not joking and having fun with these men. We very purposefully do not see his reaction after he delivers the 'I would never court her' line.

Colin is uncomfortable around them, but he needs their help to make it up to Will, someone who was kind to him and who he looks up to. He has the mask on so firmly in that scene, it's physically obvious to see. If you compare his reactions around Penelope to his reactions around Fife, it's stark. With Penelope he's open, his eyes are soft, his expression is curious and kind, his shoulders are relaxed. Around Fife he's closed off, eyes hard, muscles tense. Who can blame him? He's acting. He's acting just like he's acting around Jack.

When we look at Colin as a whole character, we get insight into his actions and they make SENSE. The things he say that hurt Penelope are things that are actually defending her- Colin saying he wouldn't court her to those men in particular, is an act of caring. He is defending her in that scene. When a debutante is only good for being 'wed, bed, and bred' in their eyes, Colin saying no, that Penelope is worth more than that, that his connection to her isn't forged on wanting to fuck her, or exploit her, or treat her as a sexual object, is radical. Because anything else, ANYTHING else that he says that isn't an outright denial, puts Penelope in danger. He can't let them believe that the woman he cherishes so deeply he cannot even ENTERTAIN the idea of not talking to her is out here being ruined by his hands.

And when we see it that way, we see that, in reality, of all the men in the series, Colin is the one who has been kindest to his love interest. Colin is the one who has defended her, the one who has stuck his neck out for her, the one who has cared for her with absolutely no expectations of sex or romance in return.

Colin's relationship to Penelope is beautiful, and sure, she can be upset that it isn't in the exact shape she wants it to be, but I think if she takes a step back and looks at it more objectively, if WE take a step back and look at it more objectively, Colin has only ever gone into it with a big, earnest heart. Not PERFECTLY, of course, he isn't perfect, but with the best intentions, and with as much honesty as he can.

And I don't know why we don't celebrate him more for it

[rouf-4]

Placements that are later bloomers in relationships

Uranus in the 5th house: As much as a lot of astrologers like to talk about Uranus unpredictability to find multiple partners, I honestly think it is more a hard to pin placement, Uranus unpredictability can be a great factor in a native life to stay single or avoiding having a normal process with potential fliers, this native tend to feel lonely and take this as something to be proud for, so even when they can get a great deal of attention, they end up putting themselves aside because they fear rejection.

Saturn aspecting 7th house ruler: Especially tense aspects can make a native being dominated by the saturnian structures and walls, this can be in detriment of the native's love/social life, their intense almost obsessive necessity of reassurance in relationships is overwhelming to most suiters, being courted by such an impenetrable force of human is like being examined exhaustly. Later in life they learn to be more comprehensive of others and most important of themselves. Saturn fearful side make rules this natives love life until later in life.

Leo Sun: I've seen this specially in women, I've personally noticed that the loyalty of this sign to their personal boundaries and their ego is really in detriment of their relationships, because of such a hard standard to reach this natives tend to entertain multiple options to validate their ego, but problems arise when they try to form a really deep bound, cause they don't know what they want neither what they need, these natives (specially women) tend to look for a really specific kind of relationship and they go for it, but when the relationship is set up, they are already tired of the long chasing and doesn't feel value enough in this type of bound, later in life these people tend to learn to wait and let others do the chase and finally get someone who is able to make any effort to be with them and treat them.

Uranus/ Saturn aspecting Mars: This is kinda obvious, with any aspect to Saturn there's certain amount of effort you have to put in; and with Uranus you could have difficulties delimitating your wants and needs in relationships, that's why you'll find yourself struggling to adapt yourself to socially acceptable relationships, most of the time this is a lot of trial and error until you find your own concept of love, where you can truly experience your freedom (not avoiding). Mars is our assertion, we feel restriction (Saturn) everytime we desire someone, these self structures and fears make the native deny themselves the opportunity to go for someone they really like, we don't trust ourselves or our capacities to act and get what we want. With Uranus we do act, but somehow we can't figure out how we can follow normal structures or start something without feeling aliened by the rest of people, we start acting just to got others shock like a vendetta, or we just stop doing whatever makes us feel weird.

Uranus/ Saturn aspecting Venus: The passive Venusian influence is folded by the saturnian and uranian energy, the pleasure is held back and the native can have a hard time connecting with their own value, such a difficult relationship with pleasure and self-worth can make these people deeply insecure and can create an obsession with beauty standards (generally saturnian are beautiful people, but they lack confidence to acknowledge this), later in life they learn to cultivate an internal self-worth and to let others appreciate them for this. Uranian energy can create a discomfort fitting what pleasure and beauty means to society, also some of them could feel attraction to rare or taboo stuff that can be really disruptive in a traditional setting, some uranian don't feel exited with the idea of corporal side of Venusian energy (Taurus), so they try to create a perfect and idealistic (sometimes a unrealistic) perception of what a relationship should be, sadly their lack of a good foundation makes their relationships fragile and ephemeral.

Neptunians: I know we shouldn't generalize, but, nothing more real than Neptunians tendencies to idealize and put such an impossible standards to almost anything in their lives, unfortunately for most of them their fabulous visions stay as fantasy most of the time, because, as much as they neglect reality and themselves to build this visions, they are incapable of ground their visions to real world (unless there's an strong Saturn in their chart). Honestly the worst part of not being able to fullfil their fantasies is they rather live delusional than accept situations just as they are, so most of the time we see neptunians giving themselves to others, helping kids, animal, plants or just recurring to victimizing behavior, and neglecting their own dreams because they can't adjust to reality; if they choose to face what it's in front of them, it may not be as magical or fantastic but rather real and warm. Some neptunians should try to understand that we live in this reality to learn from all kind of experience, the best and the worst. Also all this magical feeling they bring to every connection turn sour when confusion and lies arise, neptunians rather die that let anyone (even partner and family) destroy their fantasies.

[2baddiesfanfics]

Let Them Talk

Pairing: Arlecchino x Furina

Tags: Party, Dancing, Slow Dancing, Ballroom Dancing, Cake, Vaginal Fingering, Love Bites

Summary:

Neuvillette is throwing a ball to recognize Furina's contributions to the Nation of Justice and there's only one requirement: The former hydro archon needs a dance partner. With so many big names already taken, who will she choose? 

Read on Ao3

“…and that is why I am holding a ball in your honor, Lady Furina.”

The former archon blinked, unsure she had just heard Neuvillette correctly.

“Haha…I’m sorry, what? Monsieur Neuvillette, are you not aware I’m no longer the archon of this nation? Why ever would you do such a silly thing?”

Upon being freed of her role as archon, Furina had tried to live a quiet life. She no longer yearned for the spotlight, and the iudex of all people should have known this. The last thing she wanted was to have to attend an event where she’d be the center of attention.

“It’s really not necessary. I’ve played my role and now all I want”

“I’ll hear none of it, Lady Furina. You’ve dedicated your entire existence to the people of Fontaine. Now, it’s our turn to thank and celebrate you,” he interrupted. “Oh…and did I mention there will be cakes from all over Teyvat imported for the event?”

The former archon’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“As much as you can eat. But be careful not to overindulge. You’ll need to be able to dance.”

She looked at him skeptically. “With you?”

“Ha! Goodness, no. I’m already spoken for. The event won’t be held for another few weeks. I suspect you’ll find someone who’ll be more than willing. Pick out a dress from Chioriya Boutique - my treat. Tell her to send the bill directly to me.”

————————

Furina spent the next few days in her apartment mulling over possible partners, growing wearier with each impossible choice.

Navia and Clorinde will undoubtedly attend together. That’s a no-brainer. Chiori is always in that on-again, off-again fling with Chevreuse. Charlotte seems to be getting closer to Lynette…I’m running out of options…

And that’s when it hit her. She was a new woman, no longer held down by the shackles of what the citizens would think. Free to do whatever she pleased, and to pursue whoever she found interesting. Her self-esteem had been lower than ever after losing her lofty position, but as the days went on, she found herself adopting a more daring attitude.

She knew exactly who she’d ask to be her date.

——————-

“I must admit, Lady Furina, I’m a little perplexed as to why you’d choose me, of all people.”

The Knave sat across from her at the small dining room table, sipping tea the girl had prepared especially for this occasion.

“Lady Arlecchino, I realize we’ve had our own little…misunderstandings in the past. But now that you know the whole story - my story - I hope you’ll forgive me for bending the truth in our previous discussions.”

The woman shrugged. “Water under the bridge. What’s done is done, and life moves on whether we want to or not.”

“I’m happy to hear you see it that way. So? What do you say? Will you be my partner for the event?”

The harbinger’s index finger circled the edge of the cup as she contemplated the invitation. “I’m hesitant for one reason only - I can’t imagine being seen with me will do your reputation any favors. Why me?”

Furina had been ready for this question. “I’ve spent my entire life caring about what the public thought about me. Frankly, after 500 years of watching my back, I’m exhausted. At one point, you used to frighten me. Now, what have I to fear? You’re the only one who ever dared to stand up to me and speak your mind. I find that…enticing.”

Arlecchino cocked her head to the side as she gave her reasoning some thought. “Fair point. I’ll collect you at eight on the night of the event. Don’t keep me waiting.”

———————

The dazzling aquamarine dress she’d picked out from Chioriya Boutique fit her surprisingly well. It hugged her petite frame perfectly, accentuating her feminine qualities without being overly revealing.

A knock came at her door at eight o’clock sharp. She took a deep breath and grabbed the handle.

The former archon was incapable of speech at the sight of her partner. The Knave looked striking in her flawlessly tailored tuxedo, accented with a blood-red vest and pocket square. The harbinger looked her date up and down, a smile slowly creeping across her face.

“Good evening, Lady Furina. I trust you’re ready?”

“Y-yes…ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose,” she murmured as she took her hand and left her apartment.

—————————-

Neuvillette’s voice boomed as soon as the couple walked through the threshold of the Palais Mermonia. The administrative building had been beautifully decorated, no doubt with the help of Sigewinne and Wriothesley, who stood at the iudex’s side.

Ah, so that’s what he meant when he said he was spoken for. Good for them.

“Mesdames et Messieurs,” he began. “I’d like to welcome our guest of honor - Lady Furina, who is accompanied tonight by Lady Arlecchino, head of Fontaine’s own House of the Hearth.”

A hush fell over the crowd. It was clear the audience was in shock. Citizens turned to each other, obviously whispering their thoughts to those they came with. Desperate to divert their attention, Neuvillette cleared his throat loudly.

“Lady Furina, this night is for you - for your service to the Nation of Justice, I, and everyone here, express our sincerest gratitude for your tireless work and sacrifice.”

The crowd snapped out of their trance and erupted in applause. Furina smiled brightly, grateful he had changed the subject.

“Thank you, thank you, all! It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve you. But enough of the formalities. It’s time to party! What’s the saying? Ah, yes. Let them eat cake!”

A chorus of laughter relieved her nerves and made her feel much more comfortable. After greeting some familiar Fontainian faces, the former archon headed straight for the dessert table. She sampled a variety of sweets and was thankful she hadn’t fought Neuvillette about hosting the event.

The band playing in the background shifted from upbeat party music to something slower and more intimate. Arlecchino suddenly extended her hand. “May I have this dance?”

Furina smiled softly at her as she took it. “Well, since you asked so nicely…”

Making their way to the floor, she quickly glanced around and noticed the other couples were much more engrossed in each other than watching her every move. She could feel her shoulders relax as the harbinger took her in her arms.

It felt…nice. Although the woman was fierce in both battle and politics, seeing this side of her actually drew Furina in more. Being this close to her - smelling the musk of her perfume, feeling the warmth of her body held closely against her own - made her start to think there might be more to this than just a desire to not attend the event alone.

“Something on your mind, droplet?” She asked as she swayed them both back and forth.

The former archon blushed at the strange but fitting term of endearment. “Oh…nothing. I was just…thinking about how delicious the cake was, is all.” The Knave chuckled at her answer.

“Remind me to never deny you your sweets.”

Perhaps it was a sugar rush or maybe the two and a half glasses of fine Mondstadt Dandelion Wine she had downed, but the girl was feeling bold. Standing on the balls of her feet, she got as close to the other woman’s ear as possible. “Then I ask you not to deny me the chance to partake of something even sweeter. I’m going to head up to what used to be my office here. Wait about fifteen minutes and then come find me.”

The song came to an end, and the former archon excused herself, leaving a very confused Arlecchino in her wake.

The scenarios that had crossed the harbinger’s mind as she walked to the second floor could not have prepared her for what she found waiting for her.

“That was closer to twenty minutes, but I’ll forgive you,” Furina teased as she greeted her from the large plush couch toward the back of the room. She had shed her dress and was wearing nothing but a sapphire set of lingerie that left little to the imagination.

“You naughty little thing. You had this planned the whole time, didn’t you?” Arlecchino approached with a look in her eyes that betrayed the fact she was about to devour her.

“Hmm…Chiori did say I’d be impossible to resist if I wore this. And here I was thinking she was just trying to make an easy sale.”

“Consider me sold.”

The Knave pounced, the arm of the sofa serving as a perfectly placed pillow for the woman now underneath her. Their mouths clashed, and Arlecchino could taste the saccharine remnants of rich frosting on her tongue.

Furina moaned, desperate to rid the other woman of her stuffy clothing. Her hands worked quickly to undo buttons and shove the remaining fabric off her body. The harbinger shivered at the feel of the former archon’s fingers against her skin.

Arlecchino palmed her lover’s breasts, relishing the sound she made and secretly hoping this wouldn’t be the first and only time they’d do this.

“I hate to cut this short, but we do have a party to get back to. Are you ready for me, dear?”

“Archons, yes…I’ve been ready since you came to pick me up tonight. How could I not be when you look that dashing?”

The Knave pulled her up and positioned her to straddle her. Yanking the crotch of her panties to the side, she expertly slid two fingers inside of her.

Furina’s head tilted back as she adjusted to the intrusion. “Ohhhhhh yessssss…”

Arlecchino latched onto her neck, the vibration of the girl’s moans tickling her lips. The former archon matched the thrust of her fingers as she grabbed the harbinger’s shoulders for support. Her hips rocked at just the right angle to stimulate her clit as she raced toward her climax.

“That’s right…come on my fingers…that’s a good girl…”

“Arle…fuck…oh��yessssss!”

The girl collapsed completely spent against her. The other woman rubbed her back in reassuring circles as she soothed her. When Furina finally got the strength to look up, she watched mesmerized as the Knave licked her fingers clean.

“Much sweeter than any piece of cake downstairs. I do suppose it’s time for us to make a reappearance, don’t you?”

“Not before I return the favor,” the former archon said before she started to unlatch Arlecchino’s belt.

“Archons, Furina, we’ve already been gone too long…”

“Oh, shut up and let me do this. How long could it take when I know you’re already wet for me?” Her hand slipped inside the harbinger’s slacks and Arlecchino let out a deep moan as she felt her fingers slide against her slick heat.

“Fuck…droplet…”

Furina felt the swollen bud against her fingertips and worked it slow and steady. The Knave gripped her hips to ensure her nails wouldn’t rip a hole in the expensive-looking couch they were seated on.

“I think you wanted this just as bad as I did. You can drop the frightening fatui harbinger front. Let me hear you whine and beg for me to make you come.”

“You’re diabolical…you know that?” The other woman panted as she felt the former archon increase her pressure and pace.

“Ah, ah, ah! That’s not what I wanted, Knave.

“Please…fuck, Furina, you’re driving me crazy…please let me come…”

Her fingers moved faster and Arlecchino’s breath came in short, breathless pants.

“Haa…haaa…archons…harder…oh FUCK!” She shouted as the girl finally let her have her orgasm.

The two sat against one another as they attempted to recover from the night’s excursions. When they caught their second wind, they stood and began to dress.

“Would you be a dear and get my zipper?” Furina asked. Arlecchino was happy to oblige. The former archon twitched as she felt her fingers brush the base of her neck.

“Um…droplet…you’re going to want to borrow my jacket. I may have…gotten a bit carried away.”

“What do you…oh my archons!” She turned scarlet as she caught sight of herself in the mirror. A very large bruise from a love bite at the base of her throat had started to turn a deep shade of purple. Before the woman could drape her blazer over her, Furina pushed it back toward her.

With a sly grin that would fit a harbinger rather than the leader of a nation, she said, “You know what? Let them talk.”

[talonabraxas]

Full Moon in Leo, January 25, 2024

'Aion'

Talon Abraxas

The Wolf Full Moon In Leo Will Give You A New Boost Of Energy

The energy of fixed star Praesepe during this full moon provides us with an opportunity to release our past and forgive ourselves and others for our fears. However, this energy can also bring emotions to a feverish high. It helps us to understand our feelings towards certain situations and relationships. Let us remember that this is a great chance for us to move beyond old wounds and create relationships that resonate with us on a profound level.

Since Leo governs the heart chakra, it’s essential to concentrate on what brings us joy and the individuals we choose to partner with in our lives. It’s a wonderful time to recharge our love batteries and acknowledge what we deserve and need in relationships. The full moon in Leo reminds us that we have the ability to change the way we relate to others and ensure that we receive the same level of love and care that we give. It’s important to recognize our own worth and not allow ourselves to be taken for granted or take others for granted. We should appreciate the wonderful qualities of those around us and recognize our own potential, which will help us understand that we are deserving of love and care from both ourselves and others.

The full moon in Leo is encouraging us to recognize our self-worth. Even if we may doubt ourselves, we are deserving of love. It is crucial to prioritize the relationship we have with ourselves, since it sets the foundation for any future love. It’s important to acknowledge that we are incredible people who deserve respect and shouldn’t tolerate those who don’t treat us accordingly. Remembering to move forward with the amount of affection and tenderness we deserve is vital. Above all, settling for anything less than amazing is not an option. You are the prize in any relationship, and you should never let anyone make you feel like you are not. To cultivate the kind of relationships you want with others, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating effectively. Take advantage of the energy of the full moon to show appreciation for the people in your life — but mostly for yourself.

[lesbiansgoal]

Broke up with my girlfriend last night and I wanted to see if y'all think I'm being unreasonable here

Okay so we had been officially dating for 10 months but had been together for almost a year. Things started off really great, we quickly fell for each other, she met my family and we had made plans for me to meet hers. She talked all the time about how important her family was to her and how much she values being home (she lives with them,) she would occasionally say "they aren't the most supportive but they are getting better" but wouldn't expand much past giving the example of her mom saying "I don't know why you can't just marry a man." We never spent time at her house because she claimed that her apartment was too small to really spend time there.

We started trying to make plans in November for me to meet her family and the plans kept falling through, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that it was just bad timing. Our relationship started feeling so much more distant and the spark definitely didn't feel nearly as bright as the months went on. The plans never ended up happening and I chalked it up to her having a super hectic year.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, she told me "I need to delay you meeting my mom, I can't handle having a breakdown right now if she treats you poorly." I was pretty bummed but I wanted to respect her, so I told her that it was okay to delay it a bit till she felt better.

I brought the situation up last week and this time she told me that she wanted to wait till her family was more accepting to bring me into her life. I really didn't feel comfortable with the goalpost shifting so quickly, so I told her how I felt. Feeling hidden from her family was really painful for me and we agreed that we needed to have a serious talk about things.

Welp, yesterday was serious talk day and she finally told me the whole truth. She's been out for three years and her family has been calling her a unholy freak and telling her that she's disgusting and that her relationships are an abomination for that entire time. She thought they were getting better because they had been saying it less often (I'd imagine because she had been single,) so she made the plans for me to meet her mom, but as the plans approached and her mom started making comments again, she quickly decided she didn't want to mix those two worlds and started delaying the plans. She lost her relationship with her brother entirely when she came out and it destroyed her, and she said that she can't have that happen again. This was also apparently the reason that I couldn't visit her house, the size iasue was just an excuse. She tried to tell me that they are getting better and that the parts of her life don't have to stay separate forever, but it's been 3 years and they are still saying all the terrible things to her. She thinks that showing them pictures of us and telling them about our dates will someday make them come around, but they are conservative Catholics, and honestly that sounds wildly unlikely. She gave me the option to stay with her and wait for them to be better, or to end it. And I decided to end it.

I genuinely feel for her, I can't imagine what she's going through. At the same time, I think that constantly talking about how important these people are to you and simultaneously asking your partner to be okay with not meeting them or even coming over to your house is absurd. I hate that our community has to face this kind of bigotry, but sadly that's part of the package. I fought so hard to accept myself, and I feel like asking me to willingly go back to being tucked away until I'm more palatable isn't a fair ask. It would be different if she had cut them out of her life, honestly if that was the case I'd be happy to never meet them, but she wants to live in both worlds and that doesn't feel fair to ask of me, and it especially doesn't feel fair to keep that request from me for 7 months.

I just want to have a partner thats proud to be with me, I want to be a part of my partners life, I want to spend time with them at their home, and she really painted the whole situation like I was asking way too much of her.

Sorry this got so long and rambly, what do y'all think?

[psycho-skeleton-games]

BIG PINNED POST WOAH!!

Psycho Skeleton Games is a small game dev team made up of @evthemango and @justamediocrezombie, we're both just beginners but we have big plans! Hope you can help out, honestly any little bit helps- We know that's a Tesco saying, shush- Anyway, here's some things to keep in mind when on this blog! Post- Uh, yeah.

SOCIALS:

Now those are out the way, here's a disclaimer. PLEASE REMEMBER WE HAVE OUR PRIVATE LIVES AND DIGGING INTO THEM TO STALK, HARASS OR OBSESS OVER US IS CROSSING THE LINE AND YOU WILL BE CALLED OUT AND BLOCKED.

IF YOU DONATE TO US, WE DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING PERSONALLY UNLESS IT IS STATED.

Gonna drop you through a portal now!

WE DO NOT SUPPORT PROSHIPPERS.

If you have any AU's to suggest, please do, message or send an ask, if the owner is a proshipper, it will have to be excluded, we do not wish to promote any of the things people in that community do. (In rare cases we will have cover's of those AU's.)

Q&A

"Why did you decide to make this?" - On a personal level, I feel there needs to be many more games like Pony Town! It's a great socialising game for people who have long distance friends/partners, we wanted to make that but Undertale and with a few more things to do around the world of Undertale!

"What would we be able to do?" - Make new friends, make friend groups, take on quests with said friends, maybe even just do the quests alone! Plus there's even going to be boss battles! Perhaps even event missions! Imagine a Halloween trick or treat game, hehe!

"How long will it take for this to be fully out?" - To be honest, it was never "fully" be out, we'll likely always be adding new things, or adding things wanted by fans!

"Why don't you support proshippers?" - It is extremely triggering to many people, it is not a good way to cope, we ask that you please please seek help if you support this kind of thing, you may have been tricked into believing it is perfectly fine just because it is fictional, but it is not ok in any way, it is harmful to both you and others mental health, many people of the proshipping community tend to groom, manipulate and trigger people, all on purpose. To add on, there is a concerning amount of adults in that community, suggesting more evidence towards it just being a place for groomers to try avoid being called out. "Will there be varying body types?" - Yes! Thin, chubby, fat, whatever you desire, dear friends! We're adding it all!

"Is (sfw) ecto an option?" - Yes! Zombie will be working on that once skeleton bases are finished I believe!

"Is it a fully skeleton monster based game or are there options to be another kind of monster?" - All monsters, including more, are included! To all you Toriel or Temmie lovers, worry not! Sans is not the only important monster in the AU community!

"Will the game environment be a plain clearing like Pony Town?" - You'll start off in a clear centre of the surface city! you can go up to explore the more expensive side or go down to see the more less bustling side of the city, to one side you'll find Mt Ebott with a forest that is guarded by a particular "Crack-head" skeleton, to the other, perhaps an ocean full of unknown life! (We're still planning it all out, so it might change from what is described here).

"Will there be monsters that are from solely AUs and not based off the base game? (Very obvious example is Android monsters)" - Likely later on in development.

"Will there be humans?" - Yup! Though probably in an update, who knows.

Q&A OVER.

Bye for now!!

[stainedglassthreads]

Terfs, Puritan-types and aphobes types always chant 'ooooh, you wanna be oppressed so bad, you wanna be oppressed so bad' whenever they encounter asexuals or aromantics but...I feel like they're kind of projecting. Like the times I end up seeing them, it feels like that post where they just...make up a guy and then get mad, often using statistic that are either grossly over-exaggerated or just made up.

They build up a worldview in their minds where the people with power and privilege are always oppressors, and oppressors are always evil, and where people lacking power and privilege are always oppressed victims, and victims are always good. And they're so certain that they're good people, so they must be the victims. Never mind if they're white or able-bodied and those are forms of privilege, and that women of color or disabled women tend to be the ones hurt most by cruel systems, the only things that mattered are that they're women so they're victims and thus good. But it can't just be that the system hurts them, everyone who isn't a woman, or isn't a woman in the right way, must be benefiting from the system in some way, must be AWARE that they benefit, and must be working to keep the system working.

So whoever they think is out to get them must exist and must be out to get them, or else their whole worldview comes apart. So anyone who challenges those incredibly strict worldviews (trans people, bisexuals, gender-nonconforming individuals) endangers that worldview and must just be The Enemy trying to trick them, and anyone who seems like they're making fun of them (asexual and aromantics who ask why systems like amatonormativity have to exist at all) seem like they're mocking them, or making fun of the 'very real' problems, so they're just 'making up reasons to be oppressed' and 'stealing resources'.

The sad thing is. They should be on our side. They should be on the same side as aspecs. When they go 'ooooh, you say this like any allo would be glad to end up in this situation' or 'ooooh, you say this like bad marriages don't exist', we're not actually! We're not saying this is somehow uniquely horrifying to aromantics and everyone else would be delighted. We're pointing out the fucked up aspects of amatonormativity and how romance is perceived and treated, and exaggerating it. Which is what horror as a genre does. The movie Nope is not saying that aliens are here and going to eat us all, it's making a statement about the dangerous ways people treat wild animals, especially in the entertainment industry.

When we say that 'this situation is fucked up', we say it's fucked up that divorce is scandalized and someone is always assumed to be the 'bad guy' in a failed relationship. (Yes there are toxic and abusive relationships but sometimes you just fall out of love, or find more important things than romance, or you were young and impulsive.) That your spouse is expected to be the single most important person in your life. That your friends and family are expected to focus on THEIR spouses and leave friendships to fester, or at least be less important. That in nearly every story, a happy ending is almost synonymous with a marriage. That dying alone is shameful and depressing and undesirable. That the only reason you could possibly reject a potential romantic partner is that there's something wrong with them, or that you like a different gender(liking no gender, or just not being in a good place, isn't an option.) That every time in a movie or a story a woman is introduced as career-driven and independent and happy, she's not actually happy because she needs a relationship to be happy. That so many romcoms play a situation that people would find horrifying completely, 100% straight and treat it as cute and funny and a happy ending.

We were never saying that this situation would be uniquely horrifying for JUST aromantic people. But as aros, we tend to be the first and loudest when saying 'hey this is horror actually'. You should be agreeing with us that a romance-obsessed society is horrifying, not saying we need to 'touch grass'. You ARE agreeing with us, but they're so fixated on being The Victim and The Good Ones, that they can't accept we should be on the same side without letting go of the security blanket that is their worldview. And that's pretty sad.

[carnivoral]

soft asks by sunnysideanon

i treat ask games like surveys, we all know this.

what song makes you feel better?

who listens to music to feel better?

what’s your feel-good movie?

i dont watch movies qwq im sorry these are rough answers

what’s your favorite candle scent?

i usually like winter fruit smells. so plums, pomegranates, grape, deep and rummy sorta scents. i also like rich sweet ones, resin-y smells. i like a nice light floral mix (iris, jasmine, lily, rose) on cleaning days.

what flower would you like to be given?

lillies. any lillies, but i like madonna lillies

who do you feel most you around?

my partner system, but specifically trent. he is me, and ive never felt it more than when we're together. my brothers are a close second.

say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical)

i have gold rings around my pupils i just noticed the other day. they're gorgeous and i have no idea where i got them from genetically-- maybe my mother. she has gold in her green eyes. i'm glad i got something from her eyes, i'm jealous of them. i have insanely enviable hair. my nails are elegant... also enviable. im wicked talented and sharp, nobody can create the way i can-- BITCH???? ok one of my favorite songs paused randomly that was a whole experience. answer cancelled next question

what color brings you peace?

pale green. this isn't bad, though.

what calms you down?

being alone in my own space. writing music/poetry. having a clean space. music-- hey, i guess that first question was onto smth

what’s something you’re excited for?

grocery run tomorrow, haircut sometime this week. yay.

what’s your ideal date?

taking turns spitting vodka into each others mouths and banging our skulls together til we pass out

how are you?

im fine! a lot of excess energy strangely which is funny b/c i haven't had any caffiene today. that reminds me i need to add energy drinks to my grocery list. eeeeeeee also feeling sappy. in love. so in love hehe

what’s your comfort food?

probably any kind of salad theyre very safe foods

favorite feel-good show?

i dont dream of watching televi-- interview with the vampire.

fairy lights or LED lights?

fairy lights. LED lights make me anxious to look at but now Everyone has them so what do i know

do you still love stuffed animals?

yes.

most important thing in your life?

myself, but secondly, my fiance.

what do you want most in the world right now?

a kiss.

if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

don't smoke cigarettes and don't tell that girl everything.

what would you say to your future self?

keep doing it, even if it's uncomfortable. trust your gut, not your body.

favorite piece of clothing?

my black turtleneck or my fur coat.

what’s something you do to de-stress?

bounce and moan on it

what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

moneyyyy!!! oh, personal. money from their personal bank account!!! (a card. i collect those.)

what movie would you want to live in?

childs play. id fuck that doll and save the little boy JFIOWEJFE

which character would you want to be?

... oh myself isnt an option ok. then id wanna be in clueless and be cher. id like to be rich

hugs or hand-holding?

hugs. i need my hands for other things but i can be hugged forever

morning, afternoon or night?

ALL OF THEM ALL OF THE TIME

what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

horses, dirt roads, hotel rooms, cigarette smoke.

[gabatelepsychiatry-blog]

Treatment Options for Postpartum Depression (PPD)

The PPD treatment revolution: New options bringing hope to struggling moms

Postpartum depression (PPD) should not rob you of your motherhood. While coping with PPD remains challenging, recent advancements have significantly expanded and improved treatment options for new mothers. 'Toughing it out' is no longer the answer to coping with PPD. Addressing PPD through treatment is  crucial for an effective recovery.

Understanding the need for treatment

PPD can be quite challenging, but first we need to understand why it is important to treat it.

Effective treatment can significantly improve the mother's mental health and overall quality of life.

Untreated PPD can negatively impact mother-child bonding and infant cognitive and emotional development.

Treatment helps maintain healthy relationships with partners and other family members.

Early intervention reduces the risk of PPD developing into a long-term depressive disorder.

Treatment can improve a mother's capacity to care for her baby and engage in positive parenting practices.

PPD can increase the risk of suicidal thoughts, making treatment crucial for prevention.

Mental health treatment can positively impact physical health issues often associated with PPD.

Treatment helps mothers better manage daily tasks and responsibilities.

Addressing PPD can help mothers who wish to breastfeed to continue doing so successfully.

In rare cases, untreated PPD can progress to postpartum psychosis; early treatment can prevent this.

Treatment can help restore a mother's sense of self-worth and confidence.

Seeking treatment sets a positive example for family members about the importance of mental health.

Treatment options for PPD

Therapy:

Engaging in psychotherapy can unlock your potential for personal growth, healing, and empowerment. Some common types of psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, interpersonal therapy (IPT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), family therapy, and group therapy, can help you explore and manage your thoughts and feelings in a safe, nurturing space.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

CBT helps mothers identify and change negative thought patterns. 

 Interpersonal therapy (IPT)

IPT helps bridge communication gaps by focusing on relationship patterns and verbal exchanges. 

CBT and IPT  are two evidence-based approaches that have shown significant success in treating PPD.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) focuses on teaching individuals skills to manage intense emotions, improve relationships, and reduce self-destructive behaviors.

Group therapy can also provide a supportive environment where mothers share experiences and coping strategies.

Medication

 Your healthcare provider might recommend medication to help balance your brain chemistry. Antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are often prescribed for PPD. If you have concerns about breastfeeding and taking antidepressants, always consult with a healthcare provider to weigh the benefits and risks.

Hormonal treatments

In 2019, the FDA approved Brexanolone (Zulresso), the first and only drug specifically for PPD. This intravenous treatment works by rebalancing hormones that fluctuate after childbirth. 

Support systems

Never underestimate the power of support. Engaging with partners and family members, joining support groups, or connecting with online communities can provide crucial emotional backing during recovery.

Last but not least, prioritizing self-care activities such as exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating can significantly improve your mood. Experiencing thoughts of self-harm or harming your baby? For the well-being of you and your child, get yourself evaluated for help now. 

Remember, PPD is a medical condition, not a character flaw. With proper treatment, most women recover completely. Your mental health matters; reach out to healthcare professionals for guidance and support.

If you are looking for support, you can call us at +1(833)-312-4222 or schedule an appointment online via our website.

[brawlqueen]

important psa / some blog changes.

Kind of anxious to be posting this but, I think it's affecting my ability to get to replies and I just kinda wanna share what direction I'm going with my fave girl. So this post includes some spoilers so if you don't want to read those let me know what to tag it as. I think as time goes on I'm more discouraged at how little U.chikoshi gives Mi.zuki as a character. She has only one route in the OG game, and she's actually given love and a listening ear and things she needs, but most of the game she's treated like second or third best, or mainly an afterthought when she's literally the daughter of the two main victims.

She's a twelve year old who saw one of her own parent's corpse with her own eyes, in a gruesome way. To say she already is getting the short end of the stick, and that even dialogue choices and options for her in the A.ITSF (which is my favorite game btw), consistently puts her down unless it's in her own route. Every other route she's...honestly treated like not much. Yes, she's badass, kind to her friends, continues to help and care, but she's alone and frankly not given much love by the cast (THAT I LOVE which makes it worse) unless noticed. Which, frankly save for Ai.ba, who remarks consistently with compassion about her, it's pretty upsetting.

Then we get to A.INI. And this, and I've talked to friends, we all were anticipating Mi.zuki as the main protagonist if only. She was advertised heavily. There is no reason why people aren't not entitled to feel bitter and sad that she was NOT treated like that, and once again, put to the sidelines as an afterthought like she was in the 'true ending' of the first game. She should have been the main protagonist. If not that, and I really enjoy him, Ry.uki should have been a true dual protagonist beside her their time equally split. I hear how much he deserves better and he does, I totally agree! But honestly, M.izuki, who has been in two games and consistently both in the narrative and in utility given the SHORTEST end of the stick, I feel a bit tired.

So I'm going to be working on a new verse for her. I will still derive heavily from her own route from A.ITSF.

But I will not only write Mi.zuki at twelve, as she deserves not to be in permanent stasis all that time, it isn't that I like A.INI more. It's because I hate that A.INI not only did what A.ITSF did in the end, but it actually retconned her. And everything's been taken from her time and time again in the A.I timeline.

I want to give Mi.zuki growth, love and things she deserves. Because she's been robbed of these things over and over. You'lll see me writing her at all timelines of her life.

I'll derive a few things from A.INI, but she is not A.INI based. Things like yes, she'll by default be involved in an explosion. Yes, by default Ai.ba will be her partner, yes, she'll join A.BIS. I'll likely keep what limited stuff I felt I could take on the source of her godlike combat abilities and physical form. There won't be a B.ibi.

I'll write her like I would have written her like many of us believed we would get. The main protagonist. Maybe there's a different murder case or she's doing them based on her skill as a detective at the time. Maybe I keep as ridiculously dumb as it is, Mi.zuki and co. stopping the virus. Maybe that's the issue, not the six years apart thing. Maybe there's also me writing slice of life stuff and everything in between. I want to explore all of that because I want to see M.izuki growing and see what life is like for her after the worst things happen to her in A.ITSF. I want to give her love, relationships, and growth through experiences and just something that writer doesn't...really seem to want to give her? And this has been a thing for two games, so I want to do something at least in my portrayal, that feels fair to her. Things I can give in my writing that she wasn't given much at all.

Of course some things I'll plot with other people in the A.I universe, but I ask that you meet me halfway, but I will be writing her life spanning from 8-18, not just 12. I will be writing her having support with Ai.ba, too, because they were legitimately wholesome and had a lot of good moments, and I think it's natural that she'd share or partner with her too and not take away from the bond of the original game. Plus A.iba repeatedly shows care and compassion for her, and that's something Mi.zuki desperately needs. I would be lying if I said I want an A.I3 granted the track record of how bad Mi.zuki is treated in the universe and outside of it narratively.

So basically I'll just add a verse that's titled something else and take inspo from what little crumbs I can take from AI.NI, ideas and things, and work on, because I don't ow.n Mi.zuki, things I feel she consistently has deserved but been robbed of. I want to give Mi.zuki all the things that A.INI didn't give her, and also just in both games in general. I love this series so much. But I would be lying if I said I didn't think Mi.zuki got the by far shortest end of the stick, and that's just not what I'm going to do with her here.

So yeah I'll be working on that and probably her bio etc, and keep writing what I feel I want to give her in what way I know how. So yeah guess I'm...sad as things are in canon? At how she's treated but instead of staying that way I'm going to work on writing the things I feel she hasn't gotten / didn't have and just kind of, take it from there.

M.izuki deserves better, so much better than being sidelined all the time, or not given even basic support and comfort, so I'm just going to work on what I feel (because I'm only a Mi.zuki mun) she deserves.

And I think she deserves a lot.

[lgbtally4ever]

"There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in." — Chris Colfer

"If you're not personally free to be yourself in that most important of all human activities — the expression of love — then life itself loses its meaning." — Harvey Fierstein

"Openness may not completely disarm prejudice, but it's a good place to start." — Jason Collins

It makes me really sad, when I can recognize the many, secretly gay, Korean actors and idols, because they can never have a truly fulfilled life.

I guess they make the choice, between their work lives and fame, or meeting the person, with whom they can find love and a private, personal life.

But, wouldn’t it be a beautiful thing if they could have BOTH?

We tell gay youths: THINGS WILL GET BETTER, but WHEN will things get better for all the people, in all those countries, where LGBTQIA RIGHTS aren’t recognized?

People need to start opening their minds & their hearts to include the LGBTQ Community, so they can live normal lives, too—lives like hetero people take for granted, as their, god-given right.

It’s not ONLY Korea, but that’s where it strikes me at my heart.

There’s only one example, I’ve found, in S Korea, of a gay couple—where a man wanted his partner covered by his health insurance—the article is attached…this was written in Feb. 2023…

Here is an excerpt from the article:

<<South Korea does not recognize same-sex partnerships, but the two men held a symbolic wedding ceremony in 2019, and one of them successfully registered the other as his spouse in February 2020, allowing him access to his employer’s health insurance plan. When the story became public months later, the NHIS swiftly reversed course and revoked his partner’s dependent status. The couple sued to have the benefits restored.

While the court ruled that it could not recognize a de facto marriage between same-sex couples, the principle of equality requires the national health insurance agency to apply equal treatment to all couples, as the NHIS law does not explicitly specify coverage of common law couples. The court found that the NHIS did not treat de facto same-sex couples equally and ruled in favor of the couple accessing health insurance coverage.

The NHIS said it will appeal the ruling to the Supreme Court.

This case is significant for upholding the principles of equality and nondiscrimination. The government should expand protections for same-sex couples and take measures to combat widespread discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people in schools, employment, housing, and other domains, which leaves them highly vulnerable to mistreatment and abuse.

In the region, Australia, New Zealand, and Taiwan have all extended marriage equality to same-sex partners. A recent court ruling in Japan maintained the prohibition on same-sex marriage, but acknowledged that a lack of legal protection for same-sex families violated their rights. Lawmakers in Thailand are considering options to recognize same-sex relations. >>

But, along with the rights, that everyone else has, which are denied to gays—there needs to be an understanding, a learning experience, and the acknowledgement, of the LGBTQ community, so that they can live openly and comfortably, among the other members of society, without fear of being discriminated against, or being treated differently, or having to feel they are different from everyone else.

Others have said it more simply & better than me:

"It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences." — Audre Lorde

"You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live some other life, you won’t live any life at all." — James Baldwin

"Some people are blind or ignorant, and you can't be that prejudiced and hateful and go through this world and still be happy." — Dolly Parton

DON’T BE BLIND OR IGNORANT!

[kasaneteto]

sorry i simply must complain for a moment

ive been complaining about my roommate too much on instagram so im doing it here instead 🖕 fuck you

MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!!! tell me why this man is turning 26 NEXT WEEK and can’t remember to pay me back for the bills. won’t do any chores unless he’s asked to or HE has friends coming over. i literally feel like im living with a teenager.

i’ve recently realized just how much ive coddled him and made excuses for him because of his mental health struggles and the way his parents treated him his whole life. ive also realized that its entirely up to him to recognize that his mental health struggles & trauma are HIS problems to deal with and i shouldnt have to temper my expectations because of that. i can only tell him he needs therapy so many times before it’ll just go in one ear and out the other like every other thing i say to him. he is so incapable of any kind of self-reflection or self-awareness, has no concept of how his actions might affect others, can’t make any compromises without throwing a fucking tantrum about it. it’s exhausting. he requires so much attention and validation in order to be happy. being in the same room is like an invitation to talk to him. AND HE SAYS THE SAME SHIT. its like ive exhausted all dialogue options. he always makes the same stupid jokes that are just *goofy or purposefully obnoxious comment about what im doing* and i DONT have the energy to entertain that shit every day. but it RUINS his mood if you dont partake in his humor and then he just sulks. he cannot be serious. everything is jokey goofy fun time. when finn and i told him she’s trans & that we broke up his response was just to stare at us like a deer in headlights and go “oh. okay. sorry thats just a lot to process” which is like. just such a perfect prime example of how he cannot handle anything serious or heavy. when he got cheated on he was inconsolable and would not leave finn and i alone (and we wanted to help!!! we care about him!!!) he literally would follow us to our room and we would have to ask him for alone time!!!! he’s like a baby!!!! he’s so deadset on finding a new partner and i just wanna scream in his face NO RELATIONSHIP YOURE IN WILL EVER WORK IUT UNTIL YOU WORK ON YOURSELF AND UNPACK YOUR TRAUMA!!!!!!

he always uses money as an excuse like “ohhh i cant afford it” motherfucker. you can’t afford anything that isnt something you want. so you cant afford to pay me bills on time but you can afford a new monitor for cyber monday? you can’t afford therapy but you can afford to get a shitty fake christmas tree because THATS what’s important to you? he lives so fucking hedonistically and acts like he lives paycheck to paycheck when he makes 22 DOLLARS AN HOUR. MOTHERFUCKER YOU MAKE MORE THAN ME. YOU CAN FUCKING AFFORD IT YOU JUST DONT BUDGET OR SAVE AT ALL.

ok sorry i had to get that shit out because im so frustrated with him. i had a party the other night and he just sulked around until his friends came, hung out with them and only them the whole time, then continued to sulk and complain once they left. then sat around scrolling on his phone while my friends helped me clean everything up. my friends who actually are responsible and arent just in their own world with no consideration for others.

its not like he’s a bad person or even a bad friend because he truly isn’t. he’s just so emotionally immature and does not have the strength to look inward & realize that he is the source of most of his unhappiness in his life currently. its really hard to live around given the stage of my life im currently in.

i wish i could tell him all of this to be honest but hes so fucking sensitive. i HAVE tried to talk to him about a lot of these issues too (him needing to he asked to do chores, not paying me back etc) and its always the same thing. he gets better for a couple months but it quickly goes back to how it was before. im just like so done acting like his problems are mine. done asking him for favors. i hate that living with him has made me lose so much respect for him (he has no moral backbone) because like. i can see that he wants to be better. he just isnt strong enough to admit that hes the problem in his life right now. anyways. thanks for reading this if you did lol

[misscammiedawn]

Miss Cammie Dawn's 2023 Round-Up

Permit me the self-indulgence to do a lil' wrap-up. Perhaps a little bit longer than a "lil'", we shall see. I don't expect any eyes on this. I write purely for the purposes of rereading later. Remember, I treat Tumblr like Livejournal.

I wish to focus upon the concepts of "what did you do/watch/read etc" and wrap it up for the year.

Personal Life

With the pandemic still limiting my options for socializing and having ended my close friendships and finally gone No Contact with my family of origin in the past few years, there's not been a lot of momentum in my life of late and I'm kind of okay with it.

Still. Some major events are to be expected. Here are mine for 2023:

Bottom surgery - Of everything in my year this was always going to be the first thing we needed to talk about. The process for getting here was such a long road and it almost doesn't feel real now that it's all done.

April 10th 2023 I went under the knife and began a healing journey that took much of the next 6 months of my life.

Going off of hormones for the time surrounding it was a complete emotional roller-coaster and I was *unstable* by the end of it. Oikos were kind enough to be supportive to me the whole time, thankfully. Daja traveled out to be there with me during the procedure. I have a detailed personal journal that conveys the whole experience but wow... that was a journey.

Those who know me may be aware of Precious, Cammie's Squishmallow. She goes wherever we go and she serves as an important tool for us. When we were in the hospital Daja asked our partners permission and with consent applied a hypnotic compulsion that made it so squeezing Precious and thinking of a partner would summon them in our mind and forge a connection. We refer to her now as the "Magical Scrying Kitty" and the trigger was essential for those first few days of recovery. Particularly the lonely void between visiting hours.

It all just sort of blurs now. I almost cannot remember being in bed for months after getting home nor the amount of energy that even the smallest tasks took. I have a vague memory of trying to get photographs in our yoga outfit before Beguiled and the effort of maneuvering around the bed was monumental.

We ended up returning to events in June/July, though we were still fairly restricted by the body's healing schedule.

I'm happier this side of the surgery. It has done wonders for my mental health and day to day comfort in our skin. Worth every sacrifice we made a hundred times over.

I don't think I have words for it yet but I feel there is a difference. There had been a level of anxiety and fear about the procedure before it but that has all melted away. I cannot even recall what those nebulous fears even were.

Anyway! Sleepyhead was nice enough to make my dream come true:

I have wanted that photo for years. I spoke of the dream often. I also made the Dickless for Chiklis tweet as promised years ago, though I doubt the intended audience saw it.

Life changes a bunch between starting the waiting list and getting the surgery, doesn't it?

DID Diagnosis - This has been a huge adjustment for us because of all the work that goes into trauma & dissociation therapy. We have joined support groups, we are putting in work to structure our journaling, we have built an innerworld conference space with isolated safe spaces (I was surprised to learn that this media trope is not only a real thing but it's a therapy technique that is taught. People are not born with these things and they are not a symptom of the disorder) and finally we are learning where the emotions originate, who has attachment to individual memories and experiences and then we are learning process things correctly. It is a process.

I am only slightly bitter that I had no context for the whole compartmentalized emotions thing. We wrote a frustrated Tumblr post about it recently.

The initial diagnosis came after a few months of testing. Many of our preconceptions were found to be based on a mixture of denial and ignorance exasperated by too much misinformation from fiction. Our therapist and Daja have both been on our case this entire year to stop obfuscating and hiding behind these excuses and barriers. It helps.

When we began the year our little system of 4 (technically 5) were completely at odds with one another. We had a number of distorted and self-loathing beliefs. Cammie was too childish and made us unreliable and immature and too stereotypically girlygirl trans. Camden was too strict and controlling and lived in constant hyper-vigilant survival mode, battling demons that had died decades ago. Dawn (presently typing) was a filthy NSFW embarrassment that was going to invite unwelcome elements to our life and post unforgivable content which must be deleted. Craig is a failing to our femininity that invalidates our struggles as a transwoman and Tilly-Mo doesn't even exist.

Now we're more comfortable working for a unified vision of self. Accepting that each of us is not the others and that we share a life. It's a process.

In May our therapist sent us to an online event held by a non-profit group who were tackling a bunch of topics ranging from "how to live with these conditions" "Professionals with CDD and their experiences with ISSTD" and a panel with transgender individuals with dissociative disorders. I was involved in that last one and I have to admit it was a turning point for me. For the first time in my life my experiences felt relatable and were being framed in a perspective of normal people living normal lives rather than the loud and proud version online. One of the things we continue to struggle with is how to integrate our condition into our life without fetishizing it. It's an invisible illness so all attempts to have our parts recognized feel like an attention grab. Even typing about it now. Somehow we have to navigate the gap between being open about it without highlight it. That's also a process.

Simply spoken we feel uncomfortable insisting on the one typing unless it's essential to being understood in how we communicate. We had an internal discussion about this post, wondering if we should let individual parts type different sections and highlight who was typing each one with a color or nametag. But that's not our style or comfort. It raises too much attention and sets off alarm bells. Half the reason we do our tagging system as we do on Tumblr is as a note to ourselves. Like a little filing system for when we go back searching later. A little switch counter. Helps us spot when someone has been away for too long.

Incidentally we decided we would write the post as time allowed and give everyone an opportunity to edit/add/delete from it before posting.

Electrolysis and Laser - My Electrolysist fired me. A shame. I really liked her. I... did not handle it well. There are only two times we have had a full blown meltdown during a session with our trauma and dissociation therapist and the week we got fired was one of them.

I did a few months of laser after leaving electrolysis but they have not yet invented a new form of laser that works for redheads so I just gave up. I'm done with my hair removal. I know there's a level of pettiness in that decision but being tortured for an hour a week wasn't good for my mental health and I barely go outside anyway. I'll just shave.

Trans activism in former career - I keep in touch with some of the people from my former career. I'll not name names or circumstances, but helping one of my former coworkers in their transition and joining an effort to petition the leadership (leveraging my weight as an out and proud transgender woman while I worked there) to rally against a company decision that actively promoted transphobia was a real highlight of my year. We won. I can type the name into Google and see articles about our victory. I may have been a single drop in the ocean when it comes to it but I know the people who made that decision. My emails shamed them for daring to do something like that on the ecosystem I helped create. It made me feel like I'd done something with my life. Made a difference to vulnerable people and guided some other people through these confusing halls we all wander down. That gave me life.

Immigration - I am applying for citizenship as it's easier than trying to get TERF Island to recognize my identity and I would rather all my documents have the same name and gender marker on them.

Events

Charmed 2023 - I wrote detailed con reports of last January's event. Suffice to say it was my first time taking the stage and teaching a class. A prominent member of the community posted on Twitter that they had gained a crush on me from watching me teach which is about the kindest thing anyone can say. Certainly boosted my self-estimation a little.

The vampire ball on the final day changed our brain chemistry forever. It has become the gold standard for our submissive scenes.

Charmed is the best. I am excited for the 2024 event.

Cybertronic Spree & The Protomen - I love going on roadtrips with my boyfriend, Copper. He loves driving and I love just sharing space and being comfortable with him. We shared music during the long drive to Chicago and I got to enjoy my "Other City". Part of us shall always view Chicago as our American home. We're a city girl at heart and seeing the night skyline of our former home was such a balm for the soul, particularly as it was our first time back there since we were married. My last trip there was an anniversary date to see Hamilton.

COVID risk was heavy on our mind but we had a fairly nice hotel a little out of the city and got to go to a pleasant venue. A couple of people I recognize from the hypnocon circuit were in the audience but we didn't think to approach them. A shame.

Sleepyhead and Puppet were the ones who bought the tickets but unfortunately health problems prevented them traveling. They were VIP tickets. We got merch signed for them both as a thank you and I got to meet Cybertronic spree.

Not to invoke the ghost of our marriage too often but our ex-wife and I saw The Protomen in 2010 during their Chicago stop of that year and I spoke with some of the band about it. A lifetime ago.

It was nice to step into a world we had long since exited with our current partner. The venue was a live rock place that had Rush posters on the wall and that black brick aesthetic that brought me back to when we saw gigs like Thunder in London.

I truly miss live events like this and though there was a COVID risk and though our throat was raw from 4-6 hours of no fluids, it was worth it. A highlight of my year for certain.

Cybertronic Spree played the theme of One Punch Man and a bunch of music from Transformers The Movie (1986) and generally kicked ass. Gambler and Arcee did a duet in both halves of the concert.

Dare to Be Stupid was ridiculous and I loved every second of it.

Beguiled 2023 - I only posted my outfits for public. But I was very detailed in my private journal. It was a difficult con for us as we were still weak from surgery and had limited mobility. We tapped out of our usual hypnoyoga class (perfect attendance ruined forever). Got to eat some incredible Japanese curry from a place that held great significance from me in a past life and danced with Daja to the music of the night...

Beguiled could have been a perfect event if my health were better.

I suppose I shall await 2025's event for the promised encore.

Daja Vacation - A very important trip. In October we headed over to Daja's state for a quick little visit. Sleepyhead accompanied us. There was curry, pan pizza (better than Giordano's. Daja is a chemist by day and kitchen sorceress by night), British meat pies, so many British chocolates, fountain trances, magic shows and time for all of us.

How can it be after 18 months that I still worry I have NRE with Daja? I truly do not know. But she shared her city with me. Created some new vital memories that shall be eternally treasured and gave the tightly wound little stress ball in my head a pretty view to admire inside of her little imagined safe space.

I am so damned smitten.

Books

My goal was to read every single Tamora Pierce book within a year of starting my relationship with Daja (named for the Emelan character, yes) and I found reading to be quite the comfort while I was laid up.

The Provost's Dog (Beka Cooper) Trilogy - The final Tortall books and the longest. They gave us many memories of our city and the caste system at play there. Beka is a wonderful protagonist and I fell in love with Farmer. Farmer is my favorite. I love him.

The police procedural in a high fantasy world was not entirely my cup of tea and I prefer it in the Rivers of London urban fantasy mold but seeing Pounce/Faithful as a far more actiive (and prissy) part of the story was a joy. Not my favorite of Tammy's series' by a long shot (For Tortall it would be Daine and Kel's quartets and for Emelan it would be any book which features Briar or Tris as a protagonist) but my preferences do not speak to quality. Tammy has evolved as a writer over the decades of her work and it breaks my heart that she is not as ubiquitous as Sir Terry.

I broke down into a weeping mess at the end because Beka's actions and her compassion granted her a single wish no one in universe or reading could have ever thought would have been granted. The sheer surprise and joy in that act of kindness was enough to break the dams of my heart.

Possibly the best ending of all Tammy's books.

The Circle of Magic Quartet - I am going to come out and say it right away. I prefer Emelan to Tortall. I do look at it as a "two cakes!" scenario and the two series are not in contest with one another (albeit Numair Chronicles is preventing the epilogue to the Reforged quartet from being written). But I enjoy the 4 displaced children and their mentors. I feel there is something solid about exploring Found Family tropes in kids who have known hardships beyond their years.

Daja (my partner, not the character in the book) had wondered which of the 4 I would gravitate towards more. Obviously I would be fond of Daja Kisubo for the name alone but would it be Briar the street kid who was caught between the world of his poverty street origins and his unexpected elevation in the caste system or perhaps Tris, the unwanted child who heard her caregivers tell her outright that she was an unwanted burden.

"Two cakes!"

The vignettes that brought the 4 together was a tough read and I didn't really feel the conflict of the books until the finale of Tris' book which kicked the series into high gear and from then on I ate Emelan up hungrily.

We were on track for 2.5 books read per month going into Emelan and actively had to slow ourselves down. I am pretty sure the only limitation we experienced was waiting lists on our library app.

Of the first quartet Briar's Book was an absolute favorite. Rosethorn's boy is wonderful and I love him. Also I wish to point out that the audio books were put out by Full Cast Audio who had actors for every role. Mo Harrington as Rosethorn was perfection. She also voiced Cloud in Daine's books but her Rosethorn is a career defining role. I wish only good things for Harrington. My favorite character of my favorite Tammy series will always be shaped in your vision of her.

The finale of the book, however, did stir some horrible memories and emotions in me. I suppose serendipity being a thing, though, in reacting to the book in real time to Daja as we read she noticed the shift and discovered a verbal quirk unique to a part of me who seldom gets to exist.

In a way much of our healing and accepting Craig came from Rosethorn's trip to the "garden" and our reaction to it as well as Daja's incredible ability to notice how unique it is for us to type "ain't" in a sentence.

I'm so glad I read these books.

The Circle Opens Quartet - At the time of reading these we had our surgery appointment and it became a mission to "catch up" before Daja came to visit to see us through surgery. We were listening to audiobooks from the library and books 3 and 4 (Cold Fire and Shatterglass) have never been adapted to audiobook due to Full Cast Audio's unfortunate financial troubles).

We had planned to borrow Daja's copies when she came over for the surgery.

But... we ended up catching up early enough that Daja in what may be one of the most romantic gestures of a year filled with romantic gestures, recorded herself reading the whole of Cold Fire and sending it to us so we may be caught up to borrow Shatterglass at the time of surgery.

Is it any wonder I'm so smitten?

Of the 4 stories I found Cold Fire and Shatterglass to be the most enjoyable. It was good seeing the siblings growing up in their own way and how their immaturity was evened out by their apprentices. Daja Kisubo's story was the one that got to me the most because the psychology of the serial killer and Kisubo's absolute betrayal towards the end. Watching how she dealt with Ben was heartbreaking.

Also the way insanity as a topic was handled was a little tactless and one quote made my blood boil a little but it was towards the character who spoke the words, not the author who penned them. The character Zhegorz returned in the next quartet and was an absolute highlight for me. I like the idea of scrying mages opening themselves up to mental disorders and for an allegory for schizophrenia I felt it was fairly tasteful in the next book. In this one the topic was not handled beautifully, but we are seeing the world through prejudice eyes and if there is one thing Daja Kisubo stories are good for it is showing prejudice viewpoints and their consequences.

Tris can't always be there to break social etiquette for you.

The Circle Reforged Quartet (albeit book 4 is not yet written) - Tammy matured as a writer a hundred times over before these books. I loved Emelan because it's a story of childhood trauma and how it impacts growth and development, even if the wounded soul is given encouraging and healthy environments to thrive in.

Each character carries scars deeper than they can admit to themselves or one another. Will of the Empress is a fantastic story because it takes everything that has been building and applies it to young adults who matured years before they should have and explores the sheer scale of the damage that does to them when they are left to their own devices.

Goodness... why would I find myself attracted to such a concept? I wonder?

The intro segment is so good we wrote a specific Tumblr post about it. Tris' bitterness that her raw talent cannot be monetized (without murder), Briar's PTSD, Sandry's muted bitterness at being abandoned by her siblings and Daja's hyper-vigilant need to push everyone away because of the betrayal she felt not just with Ben but in being banished from the only stable home she had ever known.

Watching the 4 open their connection to one another again caused many tears as we read it. Tris' accepting Sandry in particular just got me right in the heart.

The final sequence with Briar's safe space I had joked was the most accurate depiction of DID I'd seen. The whole shutting off the connection and having a shared inner world were both topics we were addressing in therapy about the time we listened to those chapters.

Battle Magic was a rough journey for seeing how much the Briar/Evie/Rosethorn trio suffered at the hands of the emperor. Rosethorn had become our quick favorite throughout the franchise and I just didn't want to see her hurt. Not after the end of Briar's Book.

Melting Stones was a cute little side story. Evie and Luvo are great. I don't have much to say about it as the book was written for the Full Cast Audio team and didn't develop anything we hadn't already seen from Will of the Empress which is chronologically the last of the quartet despite being the first in release order.

House of Leaves - Thanks to the MyHouse.WAD stuff happening early this year I was reminded of the book and with surgery recovery time I had time to dedicate to it. I kind of resent that there's no digital option but I appreciate that this book is a book.

Getting out of Mark Z. Danielewski's dumb dumb mind labyrinth of a mental virus is the hard part. If anything about our taste in fiction is true it's that we want to experience altered states and put ourselves in the head of another. So having an obsession simulator burrow deep into our head while we are bedridden and the days are blurred together was... not our best decision.

We have our de-realization symptoms locked down now and I think due to that stability we find ourselves compelled to seek out breaks in reality, especially now we no longer do character play hypnosis, tabletop RPG or allow once trusted individuals to gaslight us for fun.

Glitches and moments when things are wrong freak us out and have caused severe panic episodes for us (thank you Remedy for the credits to the bad ending of Control, that one damn near broke me and it was at a time in my life I didn't have anyone around to ground me or confirm what I was experiencing so we just went into free fall) and we shouldn't poke that bear.

But we do.

Willingly.

I've yet to bring that up with our therapist.

It's not just the ergodic literature that got under our skin though, with this one it was also that it depicts a parent in a mental care facility as a major plot point.

We have a history with that kind of thing and... yeah.

Plus the way Truant described his panic attack at seeing purple ink and remembering his mother's fingernails at his throat...

Reading this book may not have been our best decision... but we have a tag dedicated to it and are deeply in love with it. We knew what we were getting into (well... perhaps not the Pelafina stuff. We were not prepared for that) and there are no regrets!

Between the Whalestone Letters and Rosethorn's trip to the garden we need to check DoesTheDogDie.com more often =/

Regardless! We really dug the book.

Camden especially!

Much discussion online is on what parts of the book "really happened", what was in Navidson's record, what was in Zampano's analysis and what did Johnny edit in and how much did The Editors edit Johnny's narrative and how much is altered by our reading of it.

And like-- how much of the perspective based stuff is impacted by how your read it. For instance! When The Editors note that Johnny's ramblings have context in the appendix, I went and read all the Whalestone Letters then and there which made the panic attacks and Minotaur stuff make way more sense from the get go-- most may read the book first and the appendixes later.

It's a book that takes a unique shape based on how you navigate it. Sorta like a video game.

My experiences made me relate to and extrapolate emotional weight and context from Johnny's narrative after all. Regardless of Johnny's final message I cannot remove how I related to the things he shared... and that's the trick.

None of it happened. It's all a book. Whatever Danielewski intended is unimportant. You can listen to the companion album, you can look up interviews, you can see the citations and source material that inspired the story...

At the end of the day the more you put in, the more it will pull you deeper. There's no definitive way to read the book. It's a spiral staircase down into infinity and insanity.

The only winning move is not to play... or to quote the text:

"Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of not knowing."

Tricksters Duology - Saved for last as Daja isn't a huge fan of the espionage from these books and she had recommended I skip them until I ran out of books to read. I'm glad it was saved as a little cherry on top to my adventures in Emelan and Tortall as meeting with Kyprioth the trickster god was a treat and the book goes out of its way to provide epilogues to all of the existing Tortall books. Seeing Daine and Numair's family grow, seeing Kel vs Alanna and seeing George Cooper be Best Boy was all such a lovely thing to behold.

I also read the Spy's Guide during this time and enjoyed it greatly. Daja handed me her hardcover the week of our surgery and we opened it to Daine's portrait, which just tickles me.

I am deeply fond of trickster gods...

Dissociation Made Simple - We had actually won a copy of this at the chronic dissociation event my therapist sent me to in May. I got to talk with the author and we follow one another on the other social media. They're a lovely person and they work hard to support the community of people who live with these conditions. The book is a navigation of living with a chronic dissociative disorder from a personal perspective and acts as both a guide to living with these experiences and supporting a loved one who happens to live with one.

It offers a wealth of perspectives and seeks to humanize matters in a way that does not rely too heavily upon pathology.

My sole complaint about it is that the author's personal philosophies bleed in. They are jaded with Western mental healthcare and favor an Eastern approach and they apologize profusely for including the perspectives of someone who sought Final Fusion (they say that they include the interview "as a means of painting a complete picture") and it truly felt more akin to an apology for discussing one of the gold standards of treatment goals than anything else. That was projecting on the audience a little in my opinion.

At present I do not seek final fusion as a goal. Healthy Multiplicity is just fine in my world... but I have seen posts and messages from those who did go that path and the support networks closing off to them and even harassing them over their personal decision is not the way to go.

Either way Dr. Jamie+ is a wonderful person I am proud is doing the work to make the world better for individuals struggling with chronic dissociative disorders.

The Third Person - Another suggested piece of reading from our time at the dissociation event. This is a 900 page book written by a transgender woman with DID and reflects her journey through the medical system as she attempts to get her HRT approved by an abusive therapist. There's a sunk cost fallacy that keeps her continuously coming week after week to someone who is an active threat to her mental health. After all. She'd need another 6+ months with a new therapist to get approved for HRT or she could just win Toby over and get him to sign for her.

Much of the book is conversations between Emma (and Katina and Ed) and their therapist, Toby. Katina is an impulsive party animal and the system's protector. She reminds us intensely of Dawn and that made finishing the book (in a single sitting, no less) an emotionally harrowing experience for us.

There's a refrain in some areas of the support communities that fiction based on our condition is sensationalized because to live with this condition is actually remarkably boring. We're just traumatized people trying to live our lives. This book is very much a shining example of that and I say it in a loving way. Nothing that happens to Emma's system is sensational or exceptional. She's just a normal transgender woman who got entangled with an abusive therapist (a transgender man who should have been an ally) and though it is mired by her hazy and bias recollection of events (she admits that the moment Toby said "your grandfather was right to hit you" she should have left and never come back) it still just reads as a normal person going through some shit.

And that's where the book is at its best. This is normal stuff. These are the things that can and do happen. I read the /r/therapists reddit enough to know that there's a population of people that think that their job includes dispelling "delusional thinking" and some definitions of that are a little uncomfortable. Not every professional believes in DID or transgender identities after all >.>;

This one was just a tough read and though my stated discomfort is that the alter that reminds me so much of Dawn had to hear Emma say the one sentence she could NEVER say to her.

Breaks our hearts =/

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles - Presently Daja is reading us these books on a weekly basis during our dates. We have gotten through the first two and are enamored with the primary cast. Telemain is my favorite.

They are just delightful stories full of tropes and fun. I would have loved them very much when I was young. Cammie presently loves them intensely.

Mr. Robot eps1.91_redwheelbarr0w.txt - Set during the time between Season 1 and Season 2 Episode 8, this is a journal. A literal journal made to look like it was written in pencil by series protagonist Elliot Alderson.

In the show the audience is his imaginary friend who he speaks to. When he is on the screen we see the world through his eyes and his delusions. Only during two flashbacks do we ever see him outside of his perspective, which saves Rami Malek having to play his alters and allows the show to be subjective with what is real and what isn't, plus we also get to see scenes Elliot isn't there for (typically perspective can be seen if someone refers to the villainous avatar of capitalism as "E Corp" their actual name rather than "Evil Corp" which Elliott always hears/reads it as) and when a twist happens at the end of season 1 he knows that we knew and we didn't tell him. We can't communicate with him after all.

To denote the time skip, hide a season 2 twist and to better blur the lines of what is real and what isn't, Elliot stops speaking to us after season 1 and reconciles with us during season 2. The journal covers the time when he was "not speaking with us" because we didn't tell him about Mr. Robot. At times he even writes to us as if we will someday read the book and then corrects himself to say that we will never read it. That kind of makes reading this feel a little invasive. Even the "editor" (a transgender woman in the show who was incarcerated in a male facility. I like Hot Carla) notes at times how fucked up it is that any of us are reading his private journal which he reminds often isn't for anyone elses' eyes.

Within the book are a number of little trinkets which serve to play an ARG that reveal the season 2 plot twist (Mr. Robot has been communicating with the Dark Army to continue his revolution while Elliot is in prison) and to the book's credit there is such an adherence to verisimilitude that the nearest we get to confirmation that there even IS an ARG is some comments penned in by the in-universe character who "published" the journal.

What I liked about it was not just the realism of the journal, which goes to lengths to utilize spaces in between entries as significant (we even get an entry written on the back of a pack of cigarettes when Elliot hands off the journal for another inmate to read it in her cell)

it didn't add a lot to the plot of the show but it was a fantastic dive into the character headspace of Elliot. Particularly during the period of time he was not talking to "us".

Music

Music is so disposable in scope that I'll be skipping much of the new stuff on our radar and focus on things we intentionally listened to.

The Protomen - Copper's favorite band. Puppet and Sleepyhead were nice enough to give him tickets to their show with the Cybertronic Spree (as noted above). We gave them a fair few spins to get ready for the concert. They are a lovely and self-indulgent band and their Queen tribute album is superb. I really dug the whole revolution subplot in the second act with Sniper Joe. Act 1's "after the apocalypse" campfire aesthetic wasn't my touch but the cyberpunk revolution stuff was cool as crap!

The Gambler is bloody amazing and any of her songs are just bangers by definition <3

The Caretaker (Everything At The End of Time) - We're late to the party on this one but god what an incredible experience. We went down a rabbit hole of tributes. For what it's worth Nowehere At The Millenium of Space is so far above the pack that if I ever wanted to listen to a 6 hour dementia simulator again then it'd be my pick. A3 is the track I'd listen to if you wanted to see if it would vibe with you or not.

(Though I wanna see more takes on the concept that try different perspectives-- there's a few that try for different conditions that have a lot of promise)

For the uninitiated, EATEOT is a 6 album concept piece that attempts to place you in the mind of a dementia patient at the end of their life. The composer read that music lingered beyond memories and information and wanted to run ideas of degrading of physical media and nostalgia for a time many of us were not alive for. The first track based on Heartaches from 1947 for instance. It gives us the idea of an era without true familiarity to it. Which makes my love of Nowhere a little odd as it takes the concept and then applies familiarity with many of the songs hitting "I KNOW THIS" buttons and...

Look, I came to learn about EATEOT from MyHouse and there the warped version of Running From Evil used that familiarity to great effect. Much of the subtle horror of the Doom map comes from recognizing the geography of the locations as The House and having your familiarity with Doom mechanics messed with in subtle ways. I like the feeling of "I know this... but it's wrong" especially as a means to invoke discomfort. That makes Nowhere a better album for me but to many the nostalgia for a time they weren't alive for helps put you in the head of a distant dying relative and that is more effective for the concept.

The fact I can talk about such high concepts is a proof of how amazing this album is at what it does.

If you don't have 6 hours and want a quick version of it, a YouTuber named zaza took the concept and applied it to Lo-Fi Beats to Study and Relax To. Add in intangible familiarity to Lo-Fi Beats as an amorphous genre with no real hook to hold onto and glitch effects to turn this video into one that tickles a terror center of my brain unscratched since I first played DDLC.

The Narcissist Cookbook - Apple Music throws some curveballs at me every now and again and I viscerally recall The Simplest Words coming on randomly and I *loved* it.

This Is How We Get Better is just a good album. It's on the topic of healing from crippling mental illness and given everything we have been going through in trauma therapy this year it was the right album at the right time. Pretty much every song is solid in its own special way. The line in The Pattern about walking through the halls of a demolished high school hit close to home and there is something beautiful about Leave My Phone At Home.

Some of the best works are less songs and more folk guitar during impassioned speeches. Courtney is a catchy song with a lecture on why people get into conspiracy rabbit holes, The Absolute State of our Nation is a plea that violent resistance to centrist complacency is a duty of those who wish to prevent history being sanitized and Cognitive Dissonance Blues is about the crushing despair of trying to do good in a world where evil is so deeply systemic that we only serve to hurt ourselves and make no measurable difference.

Highly recommended listening. Here, have The Simplest Words as a sample:

Mint Green (Growth) - Another group Apple threw at me while trying to understand why I love Left At London. I am not a fan of all their music but the album Growth really grew on me (ha!). They are an indie band out of California and sound like an indie band out of California. It is the kind of comforting sound you can lay down on a dark evening and stare at the ceiling listening to. A favorite pastime during our surgical recovery. Pinky Swear is now one of my favorite songs. I just love blasting it while I drive. I really enjoy them.

The Streets (The Darker The Shadow The Brighter The Light) - Skinner's band has never been able to reclaim its heights from Original Pirate Material (2002) but with Craig being more active in our system this year and Skinner releasing his first studio album under The Streets title since 2001's Computers and Blues we needed to dive on this as soon as it was released.

Like here's the thing. Peeps don't realize we like this sort of shit because we go all in on Rush. But there are certain sounds that just key in to what it was like growing up on a counsel flat in a broken home with an unemployed dad who has you pop down the corner store for some Rizla papers to roll his own.

It's just a tad to the left of pub music, y'know?

Point is Original Pirate Material got a bit of that larey London lad energy and was like a time capsule that yanks you back to 2002 to the point of which you can feel your old Nokia 220 vibrate in your pocket while you listen.

New album ain't terrible. Better than Computer and Blues by a wide margin.

Troubled Waters is an absolute classic and once again Skinner has caught a level of mild desperation with the British public. I always appreciated his "day in the life of a geeza" approach and I think one of the two reasons Skinner's career never took off beyond Original Pirate Material is that he was no longer just another bloke when that song hit. Later albums have songs about dealing with his fame and having affairs with high level pop stars and he lost the relatable flair that brought him to greatness.

Like no shade to Going Through Hell or that one song about the Earth will be fine it's us who are fucked. He's got some bangers in the mid but he came out the gates with an album of "bangers, not anthems"

I mean... Original Pirate Material is just a perfect album. Dunno what else to say.

This new one is growing on me. It's got a mature edge and it comes from a perspective of an older guy who has lived beyond the legacy his debut 20 years ago offered.

I need to force myself to listen to anything other than Troubled Waters but I find myself rewarded for doing so. Just wish Too Much Yayo wasn't the opening track. I'm not fond of it.

Movies

I've not been in a cinema since Spider-Man No Way Home and before then since movies were my career. Losing movie theatres in the pandemic has altered my brain chemistry a little, I think?

Creed III - Creed is one of my alltime favorite movies and so I was really excited for III. I was fucked up from being off of my hormones at the time and so I ended up watching it on the day of a meltdown when I had screamed my throat raw and was crying and non-verbal. That may have impacted my enjoyment of the film a little and I need to go back to it at some point. I really enjoyed the cerebral final battle between Donnie and Majors' character. Cried a bunch when Mary Anne died =/

It's sort of a tough thing to be all attached to this franchise and see it keep missing jumping off points. I wanna see it keep on going but I don't wanna see it decline after so many high finishes, y'know?

Super Mario Bros Movie - I literally do not remember watching this. Granted I was laid up at the time. It came to home media ridiculously fast. Still. I have no firm memory of this at all and I think that's an indictment on Illumination more than my mental state in surgical recovery.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - I am impressed but still waiting on the other shoe to drop. Another "Fuck Joe Quesada" production so I found myself deeply enjoying the fact Pete/MJ's wedding is a "canon event".

I honestly enjoyed the conversation around the movie more than the film itself.

Soundtrack is bloody amazing and Hobie is an absolute bro. Love that guy!

Barbie - Greta Gerwig does not miss. Lady Bird is one of our all time favorites and this was an enjoyable film in the same vein as Lego Movie. It lacks teeth or staying power but many of the movies which reach the top of the box office these days are that way. Teeth aren't profitable.

I adored the production and it is just pleasant to see good costumes in a movie in an increasingly stingy/anti-union world.

Like it's a fine and fun movie but like some people said "this movie doesn't have subtext, it's just text" and that is probably for the best given its wide audience. I just need something more.

Guardians of the Galaxy 3 - It was alright. I liked the sentiment with Groot at the end. Yeah. Don't have much to say. It was alright.

War Games (1983) - Sleepyhead and Copper don't bond much. We're all family at Oikos but we're different people at the end of the day. When my two partners discovered I'd never seen this movie they worked together to correct it instantly.

It was a lovely night feeding off of their excitement and I am pleased to say the movie was well worth it and gave some good context for Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker's climax.

Lowkey may have been my favorite movie moment of the year. Plus it gave me context to references made in Mr. Robot so that was nice <3

Before Trilogy - I have had this on my DVD shelf since I was married and the idea of "the most realistic romance trilogy" has never seemed appealing. I'll be honest. I like the locations. I love the chemistry of the main pair and I enjoyed the first two parts way more than expected but didn't vibe with the final movie.

I doubt I will end up watching them again, which is a shame after so many years of having it hyped up on Film Twitter.

Television

TV is a quick and easy way to bond with loved ones and so I've been watching a bunch, especially while I was laid up. Sharing media remains one of my favorite ways to connect with people after all. In this time I've shared all of Twin Peaks with Sleepyhead, rewatched some old anime shows with Copper

Secret Invasion - I sincerely wish I could unwatch this. It was awful. No elaboration. Just... I did not like it. Best I can say is that the discussion threads doing "Boom! You looking for this?!" jokes was funny.

Star Wars Franchise - Okay. Copper, my boyfriend REALLY likes Star Wars and so has been sharing all the new content with me while introducing me to the past stuff. Rebels and Andor have been my favorite. Ahsoka was my least favorite. It's a true sign of love that I'm willing to put in with Star Wars given my history with the movie theatre-- that franchise has caused me so much misery.

Chopper is great though. Love that little war crimes robot.

I now understand the Mortis meme and I agree. I know peeps are all about the midichlorian thing and like, sure, yeah, no. That's bullshit because you're sciencing up the faith thing but like-- this ain't it. Don't rebalance that by going all in on the faith and applying it to deities. That is such a shitty thing to do when the basis was a balance between inner peace and conflict derived from a Buddhist mentality. Idk. The War in our Stars is not our favorite. But we loved sharing it with someone we love.

Loki Season 2 - This year I just about gave up on Marvel and decided to wait for the next story arc to conclude and see if it's worth returning to. I do not watch as many movies these days and they do not serve their social function for me as they had in a life when movies were my career and I was surrounded by those who shared my passion.

Watching this season with Sleepyhead was the closest I felt to those old days of excitement and reaction and social lubrication. It was deeply enjoyable for those reasons and more. I feel like it was the epilogue that the early phases of Marvel deserved and the only version of the modern Multiverse plot that felt worthy of my attention. I find that Multiverse as a concept robs a franchise of consequence. I can watch characters slaughtered by Scarlet Witch and feel nothing and it makes it impossible to feel the weight of consequence. Even the protagonist of this show is not the man murdered by Thanos.

Yet it is the acknowledgement and embracement of this fact which allowed me to enjoy Loki as a show. He was a version of the man who was there for Thor at the end of Ragnarok. We saw him robbed of development and we saw him deconstructed and reconstructed into that which we always knew he could be.

Loki gives me hope but I still intend to take a break. It was nice to be driven and excited again, though.

Andromeda - Not gotten far but sharing this with Daja and enjoying it thus far if only because Nietzschean is such a fun concept for a species and there's a ton of time shenanigans involved. I wanna see more!

The cast are a delight, the low budget is endearing and the theme song is written by a member of Rush. Also Daja informs me that some episodes were pitched as DS9 episodes.

Mr. Robot - This may actually be my favorite show now. Like of all time. It just mixes everything I love about Prestige Drama shows, specifically Better Call Saul and then applies it to topics that have my focus like mental illness and Capitalism Bad. Plus it's a pastiche of modern cinema and keeps teasing the "I KNOW THIS!" center of my brain with (intentional in-universe) references.

The plot surrounds the rise of a hacktivist group going up against the evil corporation that controls 70% of the US's money. They are Exxon, Wal-Mart and Wells-Fargo rolled into one.

Each character in the show is suffering from isolation generated by a modern society and the camerawork constantly shows this off by minimizing their space in the frame to show off all the empty space around them. It's rare for two characters to interact on screen at the same time and typically shows trust and connection. The show does this so consistently that it becomes an unspoken language long before the first season concludes. It's a fantastic way of feeling the emotional walls between people and seeing when they are torn down.

By the end of the show they are doing victory laps with themed episodes and all 3 of them are some of the best I've seen in my life.

S3E5 is a simulated one take during a riot that captures the frantic energy of the heist and chaos of protestors breaking into the E Corp building amazingly.

S4E5 is a no dialogue episode and pulls a similar trick to the above, utilizing silence for a better payoff.

S4E7 is the best episode of television I've seen in my life. An hour long bottle episode structured like a 5 act play.

This show changed my brain chemistry forever. I wish I had found it in my past life. I would have loved to have done watch parties as it aired.

Castlevania: Nocturne - I am reserving judgment until later. I enjoyed the first season. Olrox is wonderful. I just don't have enough to bite into to really feel invested. I didn't get into the first show until season 2 so we'll see how this one develops.

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off - Watched it in one sitting with Sleepyhead. It was a fun little show made with a ton of love. I don't have anything deep to say about it. It was nice to see and I enjoyed watching it.

Video Games

If I've gone off of movies then I'm entirely off of games. I haven't really anticipated a game enough to preorder it since God of War Ragnarok, though a part of this is that I see no reason to upgrade to PS5 and my machine isn't powerful enough to play Alan Wake II or Cyberpunk. I likely would have bought Spider-Man 2 if I had a PS5 and would have regretted it and would have bought Metal Gear Solid Master Collection if I were still playing games and also regretted it.

For disclosure we watched a few games on YouTube. Spider-Man 2, Anatomy, Signalis and Slay The Princess most notably. But we're not going to type about the ones we watched. Feels unfair to judge something we didn't experience directly. Though it means we can't (well, chose not to) type about MyHouse and that's a shame because we watched SO much about that! We learned so much about programming from it!

So bonus thoughts "MyHouse fills us with awe and envy over what can be accomplished with existing engines and should be mandatory inspiration for any game dev who is trying to think inside the box" "Spider-Man 2 seems like a better game to play than watch, the game failed on every possible level with the concept of Symbiote controlled Peter. They could have had us fight as him and have no dialogue. They could have had us fight us Miles while Peter is violent and silent. They could have had a sequence of Peter (or Miles) fleeing Kraven while feeling hunted and then use the same concepts for Peter chasing MJ... they failed to do anything to amplify the story and it fell flat. Watching it was a chore." "Signalis is a work of art and I will play it and post full thoughts one of these days" "Anatomy is the scariest fucking thing I've ever played and I wish I didn't check the authors other games. The concept of a user violating a work of art by interacting with it is clearly their obsession and they have done it 3 or 4 times with the exact same framework. Anatomy feels like a complete and whole product in a way the others don't. I am too cowardly to play this myself." "Slay the Princess feels like a game tailor made for someone I care about. It made me miss them while letting me feel close to their memory. The fractured/distorted reality path caused me to have a panic attack."

Disco Elysium - Such an interesting little point and click adventure this is. I found the first few hours deeply frustrating as it is a fully immersive sim with the concept of throwing you into the role of an amnesiac cop in a post revolution community that is trying its hardest to stand upright after being through decades of hardship. It really wants to explore the painful reality of being in decline and caught between the fantasy of a better yesterday and the fantasy of a better tomorrow.

It is also a failure simulator.

In that regard it succeeds perfectly. I was forced to feel the kind of useless that reality offers when I am asked to perform with authority a task that I have absolutely no basis of how to do whatsoever.

Failing continuously during the early game is important to establishing your understanding of the mechanics and grounding how you will adapt. My earliest actions were reprehensible in universe because I could not grasp or master mechanics enough to insert my will upon the character. That, however, is one of the failings of the game in my mind. You are ranked for everything you do (in one of a slim number of cookie-cutter endings - to the point of which this PARODY of how lacking they are comes up first when you type "Disco Elysium Ending" into YouTube) and it feels a little like the game wants you to grapple with the politics and morals of reality via how you interact in game and though it succeeds in many regards it does fail when gameplay mechanics get in the way.

For the most part I loved the breakdown of the city that stands proud and shapes the people within it. I loved the explorations into moral philosophy and I truly enjoyed the comedy, no matter how dark it got. Harry is an absolute human disaster (my Disco Elysium tag is "Human Disaster") and I was endeared.

My final complaint is that it suffers the same bullshit that Donnie Darko does. This is a lovely narrative about the resilience of cultures and community that is buried in the brickwork, it's a beautiful critique on how to live with existential despair and a takedown of overly indulging in pain/regret or rejecting reality and living in pure fantasy. As a moral piece and as a take on philosophy it is second only to NieR:Automata in my mind... BUT... There's the fucking Pale.

I do not think this game benefits from Deep Lore and a dive into What's Really Happening with reality unfolding and the dump of information surrounding it. Like Donnie Darko the fiction's themes are fine on their own and require no supernatural/sci-fi explination for 50 minute YouTube deep dive videos.

Everyone talks about the church sidequest being the best in the game but I resented having this human story warped by the existential dread of a supernatural oblivion, even if it's a stand-in for climate grief.

Night in the Woods - I loved this one far more than I expected. Someone I cared for deeply insisted I play it when it was new but it wasn't until I got it in a charity games bundle that I was willing to give it a shot.

The snapshots of growing up are not things I can relate to. I'm an English city girl from poverty who never went to college. The melancholy of America's forgotten cities and the abandonment of their communities was as alien to me as Revachol from Disco Elysium. I say that because much of the fan reaction I've observed talks of how relatable the game is.

What I did find though was a rich character driven story that was able to get vibes across well. I really like how the game wanted to make us get on the same page of frustration with Mae's parents without making Mae's parents bad. Having them not pick her up from the bus station and seeing the seeds of their resentment to her failure in college really helped me view them through an imperfect lens. I fear if the opening was not introducing us to Mae in such a sympathetic manner then some audience may have rejected her for being as immature and unreliable as she seems at first before we learn of her mental issues.

The mechanic of the towns people you forge connections with showing up at the church was dearly appreciated, though I found much of the optional mechanics of the game to become chores by the end. I did not want to go to the subway and the edge of the town every single day to see if I could advance the plot with the teens so I gave up on it. Poetry neighbor was cool though.

All in all I enjoyed it. I throw "Die Anywhere Else" on sometimes as a feel good track and my favorite sequence was the party in the college town.

Oh and I chose to ignore (or just disregard the legitimacy of) the supernatural elements for the same reason as Elysium. The story works just fine without ancient gods in the mine and cat gods in dreams.

Tears of the Kingdom - TotK was what kept me sane while I was bed ridden. I did not enjoy the absolute freedom. I seldom do in video games, but the sheer expanse of mapping the depths kept me going for a long while.

Dungeons were better this time but I still find myself longing for OoT and Wind Waker's style.

I found much of my enjoyment to come from watching Sleepyhead and Copper playing the game or hearing about Daja's campaign. It's simply not my type of game. A good distraction but I long for something which feels like I'm working towards something and most of modern Nintendo is designed to keep you in a gameplay loop forever with no satisfaction of completion.

Had the map not have been a tangible accomplishment I may have ended up disappointed. Game design is rapidly moving away from my interests. God of War Ragnarok may well be the final game I end up buying new and loving.

The Room Franchise - As a matter of love towards Daja I played one of her all-time favorite game series. Puzzle boxes and many of them. Room 3 is the best by a wide country mile. I enjoyed the aesthetic and found myself trying to get through each room as swiftly as possible. Each game was a single sitting for me but I enjoyed them. Plus the anniversary sale made the franchise barely cost anything.

Sonic Frontiers - I did not enjoy it. I hear that Sega kept working on it and it's actually a good game now but I played it when new and it was... well a modern Sonic game.

Penlight - I have an entire tag dedicated to how much I enjoyed it and Turq, Sleepyhead and I have a Discord chat titled The ENTIRE Penlight Fandom where we share theories, headcanons and story ideas.

Fact of the matter is it is a visual novel that takes a lifetime of existing in the hypnosis community and creates every single cautionary tale we could think of as a community. Angela DeMille knows her stuff and wants you to know how beautiful and incredible hypnosis can be with clear communication, trust and vulnerability and how horrific it can be without those things.

There is a policy of "no good endings for unethical choices" that I truly appreciate. Just check my tag. I wrote tens of thousands of words about how much I enjoyed the game.

I think I got everything?

May edit later? Idk. Anyway! I typed a thing!

[clarejgold]

Systems

Let Me Believe It

Let’s talk in brief about the system by which a patient receives treatment for an illness in the Global North. 

Patients go to a medical provider with a complaint or concern. They are, usually, heard and tested or evaluated, either there or at a nearby specialized place. They might require further testing, which they can get either through a government provider or they put up a Go-Fund-Me, the universal health provider of America, to raise funds to get the necessary testing from a private provider. If they are in need of treatment, the same options are available for getting it and are frequently successful in bringing about a cure (I’m setting aside health care debt issues in America and waiting times in the UK for the sake of our sanity)

John Green, in this video, contrasts the survival rates for treated and untreated Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He talks about Mondeh Mansaray’s long journey from misdiagnosis to being seen by a PIH doctor to treatment and remission. John communicates Mondeh’s story so beautifully, but he leaves out something I think is really important in favor of keeping the narrative completely positive. PIH didn’t have to send Mondeh and his father from Freetown, Sierra Leone to their cancer treatment center in Rwanda. 

When PIH talks about Systems, they’re often imagining that pipeline I described above; the typical experience in the Global North which should be the norm everywhere. But the system I see when I hear Mondeh’s story is the system of not giving up. It’s not an accident or a platitude. It’s a system that is built into PIH. 

Mondeh’s father said ‘Let me believe’ across his son’s treatment journey whenever anyone challenged his belief that his son would recover. Dr Paul Farmer’s criticism of the way the world treats poor people was that they failed to imagine a better future. Partners in Health don’t just believe in and imagine better. They make it happen, full stop. When a patient like Monedeh comes to start cancer care in Freetown and then needs more than Sierra Leone’s facilities can provide, another organization would say to themselves - if we send this person abroad to get the care they need, we’ll have to send everyone. Can we afford that? Is one life the best use of funds that could go to many later? Partners in Health says - if we can save the life of the person in front of us seeking aid and we don’t do it, we aren’t just failing to imagine a better future, we are failing in our humanity and our duty of care. So they do it. Injustice has a cure, but it takes more than imagination. It needs action.