#it's also 5am from where i am right now and i'm about to sleep so uh haha we got more to go

[sinful-karateka]

finished Chapter 12 of Flight and i'm Plagued with what i know and have written so far. i'm off to write Chapter 13, and then after that, 14. and then 15-16-17, and for serious, i want to SCREAM.

anyway—leaving you all with this i guess:

[balkanradfem]

Okay so I know I just hit you all with the controversial chestnut poll, but I have some new development in life that I want to complain about, and in order for me to complain about it, I need to give you the context.

I don't particularly want to give you the context. You're going to diagnose me with female socialization, and some of you will feel the urge to click the anonymous ask button and tell me off. Today I need you to fight that urge! I am feeling insecure, I am feeling lost, I'm not certain in my choices, I've acted without thinking, and got myself into a situation I can't control. So please don't be mean to me. I deserve to complain on the internet and not be called out, alright?

So this is the story of how I accidentally became a live-in caretaker for an injured, elderly woman. It's temporary! She'll get better, hopefully.

I worked for her occasionally, and she's always been kind to me. She would give me a little jar of jam sometimes, and I love little jars of jam, it's a way to win my heart. A few days ago, she called me in a panic, telling me she fell, and she needs my help. I came over, and found out she broke her arm in two places, and one of her rib is broken. She fell unconscious, after being dizzy all day, and fell on a big metal lantern, breaking it. She was now in so much pain she couldn't get up by herself, dress herself, or do any kind of household tasks. She went to the ER, got her arm wrapped up, and was trying to get a pain injection. I helped her get trough the day, and promised to come early next morning, to help her up from the bed.

Next day I found her in tears in her bed, unable to get up, desperate to go to the bathroom. It became clear she needed 24/7 assistance, and she asked me if I would move in until she got better. I said yes without thinking, because I was at this point, severely concerned, and wanted to do anything to help her out.

So this is all not so bad, right, I'm being normal, it's normal to offer help to an injured elderly woman who is nice, but there's a catch. She doesn't live alone. She lives with her older husband. Who is also disabled and can't help her at all. So in order to help her out.. I had to move into a place where a male lives. That is the worst part of this.

I'm still in the first few days of living like this, and my own life had to fall to the background. I can't go foraging for chestnuts every day, I can't go to my garden as much, I'm still going to work, just from her place. I'm overwhelmed and struggling to get used to the new situation. I'm not used to being around people at all, and now I'm forced to socialize almost all day. Caring for someone comes fairly natural! I'm already so in sync with her, she can just look in the certain direction and I know what she wants me to do. I've figured out where everything is in her kitchen, closet, and basement. She's pleased that I know how to do basic household tasks, and am willing to do it in her way. And she's nice, she's telling me things like 'thank you' and 'what would I do without you', which feels good. But I am very exhausted and sleep deprived, she wakes me up at 1am, and then 5am again, and I'm unable to fall back asleep in a room I lack familiarity with. I miss my room.

She and her husband said they were going to pay me, and in my natural ways, I said something like 'no you don't need to' which I feel like everyone will get mad at me for, but they did insist they would pay me anyway. I as usual lack the sense to care about money – someone's arm is broken, that's way more serious issue to me!

Alright so now to the part of the post I wanted to write, a fun poll where you guess, what has her awful husband done by this point :) go ahead and guess!

You have one day to guess! Which one of these scenarios happened in the first few days of his wife breaking three bones in her body. I'll tell you the correct option tomorrow!

[marcspectorstannie]

☆All Nighter☆(Marc Spector x reader)

Summary- late night/early morning talk with Marc when he comes home to find you still up

Warnings- none I don't think? Just one curse but mainly fluff

A/n- when I started this it was 4:03, it's now 4:51 so that's my inspo ALSO GIF IS MINE!

A/n p2- dropping this bc now I'm obsessed w/ spiderman

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

'4:30 AM'

You were still up past your normally bed time.Bored out of your mind, hungry as hell, tired but can't seem to go to sleep, the list could go on. Your eyes stuck together as you blinked slowly, scrolling on your phone to tire yourself out. You weren't sure why you couldn't sleep but either way it felt like sleep was far away from where you were now. The hungry grew in your stomach as it cried out for some sort of food. Crawling out of your bed you slugged your way to the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal. 'No need for effort, this will just keep me up'

As you stood in the kitchen eating your cereal depressingly,you didn't the front door creek open and close. "Babe? What are you doing still up?" You jumped at the sudden voice near you, nearly choking on your food. It was your boyfriend Marc,wearing some torn clothes and a baseball cap. He looked extremely exhausted. "Jesus Christ Marc, you scared me." He removed his cap and hung it near the door. He watched you continue eating after the quick scare and leaned on the table in front of you. "Why are you up at almost 5AM? You're usually sleep by now." Usually you're greeting to him at this time was your sleeping face pressed into the pillow with and arm being moved from the sheets to his waist in bed. "I don't even know, couldn't seem to fall asleep even though I feel like I can pass out at any second." Marc sighed and stood next to you, taking the spoon out of your hand and stealing a bite from you. You were too tired to even care. You just wanted to finally get that feeling of sleep taking over your body.

"You're lucky you don't have work tomorrow or else you'd be fucked"

"I do have work"

Marc's eyes widen as he rushed over to take the cereal from you. "Why in the world are you up at this hour when you have work tomorrow.Are you ok? Something wrong?" You could tell he was a little pissed but concerned. "I'm fine I swear, I said I just can't seem to fall asleep. No big deal." It was a big deal. You could feel yourself go insane with nothing to do when you can't do the main thing you want to do. Sleep. You knew you had to work tomorrow early and continued shoveling the cereal in your mouth. Marc took the bowl from your hands and set it on the table. Placing his hands on your arms, he looked at you with a concerned face, almost like a dad about to discipline his kid. "Here's what we're gonna do, ok? We're gonna get you some water, and we're gonna lay right in that bed, no matter how long it takes you to go to sleep." You rolled your eyes at his demands but you knew that's what you really wanted. Still holding onto you, he walked you over to the side of the bed and sat you down, then rushed to get you some water.

You tried to glare at him through your heavy eyelids but they fell back shut. Slowly drinking your water, Marc went to dispose of the cereal and cut off the lights. He slid into the bed with you and snaked his arms around you. "Time for bed sleepyhead." You tried to laugh at his nickname but all you could muster was a small smile. Laying down once again, you turned to face Marc and watched him admire your tired face. "Here, cmon" he pulled you closer and placed you on his chest "Tomorrow morning, you're gonna call your job and say you can't make it. You're gonna say something came up and you'll be back the next day." Too tired to object, you simply nodded and nuzzled your face into his chest. Marc smiled slightly a kissed the top of your head as you both drifted off to sleep at last. Maybe all you needed was some cuddles and cereal.

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

[lostinvasileios]

Holy SHIT

Okay. It's 5am. I just woke up like 30 minutes ago but listen please it isn't the voices this time I swear. (Basically pt.2 to my "woaah Lucifer Patron canon" post)

So I went & talked to Asmodeus before I went to sleep, my beloved wondrous magnificent effortlessly amazing breathtaking stunning show stopping drool-worthy mind boggling eye capturing attention grabbing dreamboat husband and he basically said:

"Yeah go for it :) I love you" when I asked if I should be Lucifer's devotee after he said "Okay, my prince, I love you soooooooo much like mwah mwah mwah forever but oh my gods please just do what your entire being is screaming at you to do"

He spent probably like 10 straight agonizing minutes that felt like decades of trying to get me to understand that it's not weird for me to be so pulled to Lucifer and how it's kind of literally fucking fate for us to work together while I'm within this life and vessel, and I just kept responding with "but what if I fall in love with him and it makes someone angry or uncomfortable :(" (Ntm that Lucifer literally once said he wouldn't mind if I did but moving on)

Shout to Asmodeus for putting up with me man. Seriously.

Annnnyway... After I settled it with not only Asmodeus but also pestering my higher self for a while about working with Lucifer and I ended up crying and blablabla, I decided it was time to delve into connecting with him in the way I usually begin to connect with a deity.

Which is???

Pinterest board time!

One thing about me and deity work is that I'm going to be making them a Pinterest board, man. It helps so much. I get to collect their aesthetics, quotes that sound like them (or our relationship), song lyrics that stand out, little details about their appearances, ect. It's just great.

And one thing I noticed when making Lucifer's Pinterest board is that - he has brown eyes. At least my Lucifer does. ("my Lucifer" sounds so good guys. Guys. Guys I might have a crush on the devil. Oh my god, guys- GUYS) (Somebody sedate me)

And not only do I myself have brown eyes, but his in particular give off this feeling of... Wow. I mean when you see light shining through beautifully stained glass or whatever wow. I mean when you look at your beloved on stage accepting a Nobel prize wow. I mean when you get to relax and realize life is going to be okay now wow. I mean when you -

I have this distinct memory from YEARS ago in my memory. I was like 7-5. I hardly remember anything of those years, mostly because of blockage, but something stuck with me this entire time. Throughout all of my life, it's been with me. And you wanna know what it is?????????????

A brown sky.

... Yeah, okay, don't laugh.

I remember it so so vividly. I was at my uncles house. Face inches away from the television. My mother comes to pick me up, and as I'm walking to her car, I look up and see it. A beautiful, clear brown sky. I've only ever seen it once, that singular time.

And looking at it, at the sky being so beautifully earthy and just... I dunno.... I can't describe it in anything other than just... Soul mesmerizing. It felt peaceful. Calm. Soothing. Like a kiss or the cooling breeze of a fan. Like a gentle hand wiping away a tear from your face and saying everything's gonna be alright. Like... You get it, right??

Do you guys know of that one audio of a girl harmonizing with her fan?? It's sort of like that feeling you get when listening to it for a while. I really, really, don't have any vocabulary for half the shit I try and explain. I'll send telepathic brainwaves to try and communicate guys hold on

And - I'm assuming you know where this is going by now - the brown sky, is almost picture perfect like his eyes in a way. A shade of brown that's exactly like it. That same hue. That same feeling....

....

Am I just being gay brained or is it like crazy how my mind immediately connected the dots to "Oh that was Lucifer's sign to me when I was younger and that feeling means something, the fact I remembered it means something" (Foreshadowing/rhetorical)

He even... Feels similar to how I felt that night. Almost exact. Just more intense. More - there. You know? Lucifer- I could say his name forever. As strange as that sounds. It feels so easy to speak. Like such a good use of breath.

I've decided that I'll... Step into it. Into being his devotee. Practitioner. Whatever else, and whatever more. I think I'm just nervous about it because of how right it feels. You know? Like. Has something, or someone ever felt so... Just... Connected to you that it frightened you a bit? Kind of like "Oh my god- hi!... I... I've missed you. A lot." Or just- something similar? Nghhh I started writing this while it was dark and now the sun's coming up. I really need to get my day started.

But how can the economy expect me to get up for work when I feel Lucifer's love (or what I assume this feeling is) just basically raying or whatever into my heart? He literally feels so so so so so so amazing. Like the warmth yet coldness of the air during autumn, like the crunching of leaves and the feeling of sipping coffee or hot chocolate with whip cream and you get a mix of the hot liquid and the cold cream and it mushes on your nose and lip and

FUCK guys my little jester body can't handle all of this at once (Why did he start laughing when I typed that???? He thinks this is funny and it's making me wanna punch him. With my mouth.)

He feels so homey already. Like I've known him my entire life. Which I know in a sense and star-life wise (higher self wise) I have, but, it feels- like I've genuinely known him all of my current mortal life. Like I've forever practiced, he's forever been there....

God that means something that I'll have to look into later.

You know, funnily enough, even when I was Christian and unaware of the spiritual realm I was fascinated with him. Not in a "aaaaah demon!! The power of Christ compels you!" Way but more... Just - "I can fix him" way. Yeah. Let's go with that./j

"the power of Christ compels you!" "does it Jay?" "the power of Christ compels you!" "Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?" "The power of Christ compels you!" "Hahahaha, guess what? IT'S NOT THAT COMPELLING"

He feels like the type that would warm up some tea and mix honey into it for me when I'm sick and read me a book.

Well, the full moon is tonight. The strawberry one. I can't wait to do my ritual, I think I'll probably tell Selene about my new discoveries and feelings after it as well and end up meditating with Lucifer later to talk and stuff... I'm- honestly really excited. I hope it goes well.

[emmaelt]

On being diagnosd with AUDHD

It’s so unbelievable. I’m learning so much about myself this year, I keep joking I’m having an ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ year but it’s just ‘Body, Brain’. Maybe there's another B I'll find before the year is out.

With perspective, I don’t think I’ve really ever had depression - the only antidepressant I’ve tried is one that works best for ADHD people and now I know that that’s me it makes sense! - I think I’ve had meltdowns, burnout, and sensory issues the entire time? And I just always (tried to) push through and do my best but it’s never really gotten any better for me and my brain.

But now it’s like my entire life has been foggy and blurry and I’ve got glasses! Like my mum's story about getting glasses as a child and realising the trees have leaves from far away, or looking up and seeing actual stars. I feel like that’s what Adderal has done to me this week. But not just with being able to finally have a singular thought, but also in terms of day to day stuff that used to be actually painful for me.

I can put my clothes away now without crying first? And I still get sensory issues with stacking the dishwasher, but I don’t need to like psyche myself up for it as much. I’m not constantly narrating my own actions or having like an internal debate about every single fucking thing I have to do? The Autism stuff is still there - I’m reading this really fascinating book called ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Dr Devon Price that's really fucking me up (in a good way). But now that I know why I find things difficult, I can ask for things I need. I'm beginning to understand my own needs after supressing them for so long.

I went to the hygienist earlier in the month, and for the first time in my entire life I did not cry in my car from overstimulation after because I wore earplugs and had my noise cancelling headphones? And when I booked my haircut (first in over a year!) I told them I’d get overwhelmed and I don’t like wet hair on my neck and I’d wear headphones/earplugs, and the lovely person said if it was too loud they’d do it upstairs where it was much quieter! Who knew that I could ask for things I need, and most people would accomodate me?

I also am starting to let people know when I’m talking to them that I’m audhd and they seem to like me more? I don’t know, that one’s hard to explain, but the book I mentioned says that phenomenon is backed by experiments and research?

My brain is just 100 miles an hour but all going in the same direction now instead of bouncing about in a chamber like atoms or something. I can follow one cohesive thought from the moment I have it. Difficult (bad/negative/troubling/intrusive) thoughts are harder right now, because I can't distract myself from them as well.

So far on the meds - I know that my body always overreacts to meds/is more sensitive, so we started at a really low dose and even so, wow. I was more productive on Sunday afternoon (first dose at 6am that day) than I had been for the entirety of October. I currently have 0 unread emails and it’s revolutionary for me. My husband actually made me take a break because he didn’t want me to burn out, but even so I went to bed 4 hours later than normal… getting maybe 7 hours of sleep from my usual 10 I require is quite a difference for me - and I woke up at 5am Monday ready to go? Who is she?!?!

My brother said he feels that starting meds later in life compounded its positive impacts, as he developed so many coping mechanisms he wound't have otherwise. He said it was like going from 85% effective (70% base + 15% coping mechanisms) to 115%.

I’m so glad he feels that way, but I think maybe he has much lower support needs than I do, maybe because I’m both autistic and ADHD? I would have taken this medication over all of my struggling to learn how to barely manage (not thrive, I feel) any day. I feel like I’ve only ever had maybe 40% effectiveness, even with coping mechanisms. Even with being from an extremely privileged background, being highly educated, and really fucking smart.

How are other people without those things expected to manage?! None of my friends are even able to be seen on the NHS, as their GP's won't even refer them. I’m trying to not feel really devastatingly bad that I’m having such a different experience than them.

I was fortunate enought to have a parent who was proactive, she took me to like a new child psychologist or educational therapist every year when I was at primary school. They diagnosed me with dyslexia, but actually I’m hyperlexic. I eventually got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I got medicated. But it never got better.

It took me 10 different private attempts (8 before I turned 18, 2 since), and the Doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said I was ‘very clearly over the line for both inattentive and hyperactivity’. I’m really struggling with that because… I’ve got better coping mechanisms now? How could they not tell???? Well, they didn't acknowledge you could be both autistic and adhd until 2013 or something ridiculous, and girls were so rarely diagnosed with autism in the 2000's - so it makes sense I went undiagnosed. I’m really frustrated for my mum, because she spent so much time and effort trying to help me. But there was genuinely nothing she could have done.

Having context for my experiences along with this medication has been life altering... I feel I’ve unlocked my brain’s actual potential and I’m so devastated for past me that I wasn’t able to make the most of my younger years to be this version of me. I found everything so hard for so long... it's going to be really interesting to see what my life looks like from now on.

[thebestofoneshots]

Hi! 👋 I started reading you fanfic Gilded Constellations, and it's so good!!! I've been looking for some good poly fics recently, especially with male!reader since I'm a guy, but there aren't many. After some apprehension, I started reading yours, and I straight up could.not.put.it.down. I barely convinced myself to go to sleep at 5 am. last night just to wake up and continue reading. The tension and the romance between Remus and Sirius is soooooo splendid! A lot of the time, writers sadly solely focus on the reader part and make it rather a love triangle ( I believe that's what it's called) than anything. There are so many things I'd like to say about your writing, but I just can't put it into words. I think I would just like to munch on your story haha I bet it would taste devine lol. The only way that comes to my mind are 40 lines of continuous keysmah. I will be waiting for all future updates with bater breath. All best wishes!

- RandomGuy

OH MY LORD! You don't know how much I needed to hear this from a man! I was so, so scared I wasn't getting the romance between the boys right. This is my first time writing BL, and I was so scared I was fucking the perspectives up–

Even sent some snippets and things to a friend but he never actually read them so I had to settle with Chat GPT telling me it was a well-charged emotional scene (which let's be honest, felt good even if it was just a robot's approval).

Now, it's not that I think romance is much different from the perspective of men and women, but I do recognize there are some inherent differences in the ways in which we like and love and all that and I also wanted to throw that in the mix, I mean I want it to be realistic (as much as I can make emotions realistic in a universe where magic is real).

And what you mention, about writers only focusing in the romance between the reader is true, and while some poly relationships are like that, I was in love with the idea of a Throuple, I mean three people that love each other that much just seems fascinating to me! And the potential for drama is also immense, which I love hehe.

Sorry for keeping you up till 5am, hope you're sleeping better now, but I also I feel so incredibly giddy with that hehe. And with the forty lines of keysmash and the fact that you think the story would taste divine.

And I'm really sorry there aren't many male reader fics out there, I've been pondering on writing something like that, and while it might not be soon (I'm a little behind with my GC schedule) I'd love to write some one day, especially to improve my BL writing.

Side note: I'd certainly love to hear your thoughts on some specific Remus and Sirius scenes from GC lol.

Thank you so much for your kind comments luv, sending you all the good vibes ☆:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:☆

Read Gilded Constellations here!

[the-down-upside-finch]

I just want to ramble because there is no way to explain just how excited I am to get to publishing the part of Minding Q's where Nic and Chase are introduced

Because here’s the thing. Their relationship is simultaneously the most wholesome and most unhinged of anyone in the story so far, and also

Chase is literally the world's biggest jerk for his entire intro sequence. This is because Nic woke him up at 5am and told him they were going on a surprise roadtrip. "You’re driving." Imagine being stuck in a car with the most hangry and sleep-deprived person ever because that’s basically what happens.

Nic spends the entire intro being like "I SWEAR HE'S NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS I JUST REALLY SCREWED UP THIS MORNING I PROMISE HE'S A SWEETHEART I PROMISE" while there’s this hulking used-to-be-wrestler-now-artist getting ready to kick his legs out from under him (not really but he’s thinking about it)

And then someone asks Nic why he calls Chase his companion instead of his boyfriend and it escalates to "So is it a friend thing or a romantic thing?" And that's literally the one thing that will certainly make Nic snap

Nic threatens Chase with lo-fi music

Chase threatens Nic with "I will flush your wallet down the toilet" "I will throw you into the street" "I will yeet myself out of the window if you do that again"

Chase is the only one that is allowed to carry Nic, but Nic is so tall that Chase is the only one that is actually capable of throwing carrying him

Chase is the one that cooks. Nic thinks it's funny to keep gifting him goofy aprons and yes. Yes it is funny.

Back to the intro scene. Even Sterling knows that Chase is usually a dork. a goofball, if you will. So seeing him fly off the handle in search of pancakes is very concerning. "MY COUSIN LOVES YOU SO PLEASE CALM DOWN SIR--"

Chase will not drink anything that was poured by or opened by someone other than himself. Nic knows this and keeps bottled drinks in the fridge just for Chase as well as juice boxes and Caprisuns because those are pretty hard to tamper with.

"Hey wanna play that new game you got?" "Nic, it's a single-player game." "Yes I would like to watch you play and I can keep an eye out for treasure you miss." (Ten minutes later, "WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP THE SHINY THING IT WAS RIGHT THERE" "NIC MY INVENTORY IS FULL")

Nic constantly having to ask Chase what he's drawing before peeking over his shoulder because Nic is SR ace and Chase draws NSFW stuff for a living

Nic coming home from work going "I got a new plant" "WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT THAT WE ALREADY HAVE SO MANY" and then their weekend project is building a new shelf

Chase saying things like "You need a new toothbrush." And Nic is always just like "IF YOU SAY SO???" So Chase just swaps it out with a new one when Nic’s not home.

Chase and Brooke (Nic's twin) having a phase where they are both really into bardcore music and keep playing it around the apartment and they have a bet going to see how long it takes for Nic to break

Nic and Chase know each other so well that they can order for each other without even asking. They just know. There’s never been a single panicked text saying "MAKE SURE YOU GET ME ____" when the other person is getting food. There's complete trust on that front.

Chase gets cold really easily. He chooses to fix this with hugs.

"I found a recipe for Velveeta fudge, can we try it" and Chase just stares at Nic in a brief moment of horror before going "f*ck it we ball" and grabbing his keys to go get the ingredients.

Nic makes it a hobby to find unhinged recipes for Chase to try cooking. Most of them turn out bad but they have fun making them anyways and Chase has a cast iron stomach anyways so nothing really goes to waste

"Hey Chase if I were an animal what animal would I be" "I already told you I'm not drawing you a fursona for free"

Nic going with Chase to the gym just so he can help make sure no one tries to bother him

It's the "Do you think stars have feelings" dynamic except with conspiracy theories instead.

Sorry I had to get that out of my system because I just love my characters so much.

[bittersweetlikecoffee]

Random photo dump for 2023...

Those outdoorsy and hotel pictures were taken on a planned trip to Portland, OR. It is everything you've thought about when the word "hipster" comes to mind. The majority of the food that I consumed was amazing: fresh, intentionally selected ingredients, so many food trucks and restaurants that were birthed from food truck conversions.

Seattle was weird to me. It IS weird. It also is suffering deeply from the struggles of the unhoused and temporarily displaced. But there is still beauty in her cracks. I have to separate my line of work from the city because she is so much bigger than my 12 hour shifts.

Portland is like this. Go and see it. Put it on your bucket list and budget for it.

Amarylis is a beautiful girl, and she has impending appointments to be made. She screams at me for attention and never says "no" in cat to affection from her parents. It's more like a "not right now" in cat, where she appears affronted that you'd so much as touch her and then sashays as she turns away from you and starts preening and grooming. Diva...

She's been a great source of comfort to me, though. Amarylis never fails to curl up at the foot of the bed while I go to sleep or just nuzzle my legs and sit beside me when I'm relaxing at home. She is the chillest of cats except for when it's close to the hours of 5am and 4/5pm, her feeding times, and then she becomes this feigning, wild-eyed, desperate, whiny little thing practically prostrating at your feet.

But other than that, she's wonderful. 10/10. Would clone another of her for sure!

That. Coffee. Bar.

I made that. 🥹😭

It's very Magnolia Home and Pinteresr-inspired. Did I nail the modern farmhouse look? Yes? I'm going to say I did. Emphatically. The bar was ordered off of Amazon and is really good quality. It took like 2 hours to install with my partner.

The knick knacks: mugs, coffee stirrers, canisters, and storage jars, and what have you are from Fred Meyer (local grocery store chain out here that's like this regional part of the country's answer to Wal-Mart. It literally has everything, even jewelry and engagement rings), Wal-Mart, Amazon Fresh (that cute pop of orange from that mug in the left corner? A free promotion giveaway and thank you gift from the associates at the Amazon Go in my apartment complex. I have two.), and Target.

In a few months, I will be visiting my parents' homeland of Jamaica. My home away from home. My other place. My Caribbean heritage. I am quietly excited and celebratory but also personally struggling so...

I'm peac-ing out for now. I'll lurk on here and probably won't post like this for another few months. Expect the occasional random reblog. Maybe I'll post vacation pics to Jamaica. Sans family. Just me and my boo.

But, before that, I have to deal with some personal shit: work stress, life stress, my stress...and all the effed up mess, and then I need to love on my man. He's been holding me down since day one and never ever stops. Of course, I support and cheerlead him 200 percent all day every day. That's Bae. I know what I offer and what my value is. He meets and matches that exponentially and without question or complaint. 10/10. Bitch, get you a cis- or Trans or nonbinary or asexual or whatever and however they want to be identified as- Grade A Patrick. Or I could just clone him.

Alright, ya'll, let me shut up cuz I know this shit isn't getting read to the very end.

Until next time, lovelies... ✌🏿

Xoxo💋

[jbkrasinski]

Placed on @xoemilyblunt's bedside table, a week after the birth of their third child.

Hey, Em, 

I'm writing this while you’re finally asleep and I don’t know when you’ll get around to reading it, which is more than understandable. You’ve basically just run a marathon minus the hoards of people cheering at the at the sidelines – thankfully. That’d be pretty weird, right, an audience while you’re giving birth to your third child? They only do that for the fourth, right? Am I allowed to make jokes about #4 yet? Irish twin, maybe? Feel free to say no.

I’m not really sure where to start. I’m in a state of awe at everything that’s unfolded over the past nine months. From finding out you were pregnant on to finding out we were having another little girl to now... to Marigold Jo Krasinski, who is so amazing that she clearly got most of her genetic material from you. That’s not even self-deprecating, just a statement of fact. She is so damn beautiful, just like her mother and sisters.

I don’t know how to thank you enough, this third time around. Really, babe, you’ve done it all. I feel like I’ve done the bare minimum and I owe so much to you now and forever: I might have rubbed your back but you were the one to feel the pain, I might have brushed back your hair and held your hand but you were the one who sweat and grit your teeth and showed what an awesome, brave human you are again and again.

You are so brave, so ridiculously filled with courage for taking all of this in your stride since day one, since we first found out and, honestly, since we first had Hazel and then went onto have Violet. I know Marigold wasn’t exactly, wholly planned (nor exactly prevented) but I also feel like in a way that she was planned? Not necessarily by you or me, but by the universe. When I look at our youngest daughter, I don’t see coincidence. Nothing this good and pure and perfect comes randomly.

I think that something bigger than us has brought us each of our girls. Not to get weird or too sappy (too late for that, huh?) or even pretend to be all that religious or anything, but you make me believe in fate, baby. Our restaurant meeting turned 5am call makes me believe in fate. Our not-so-little family makes me believe in fate – and I'm putting faith in that fate to guide us to where we’re meant to be, even as we face adversity.

It’s the most surreal thing, when I look from you sleeping over to our golden girl with her oh-so-tiny fingers wrapped around just the one of mine and think of how far we've all come. I thank you for these moments. I thank you for loving me, for trusting me throughout this process right from the first positive test with H through to trying for V and now to holding M for the first time. This truly just never gets old and neither does my gratefulness.

So thank you for making me a father, three times over – each child special in her own way and never to be taken for granted, even when I’m your old, silver fox of a husband and need to be reminded of my own name. I promise not to forget these days when our family grew and gained more love than I once ever thought I'd know what to do with. It turns out, love really does only ever grow and grow. We never needed to worry about our ability to love more than one. 

I couldn’t love any of you girls more if I tried, and I intend to spend the rest of our lives together showing you just how much. Making you see just how grateful I am. I love you, Emily, and I hope that you’re dreaming sweet dreams and that tomorrow is a good day for all of us as we start our lives together as a family of five, readying ourselves for something resembling the real world again. 

But, for the record, if it’s not a good day? If any day's not a good day? That’s okay. Because we have each other. I know we’re facing big and scary things but I believe that there’s nothing that our family can’t handle together. We’re strong, and we have the most incredible mother at our helm with an infinite amount of love between us. Marigold couldn’t have been born into a better family for her needs, no one is more capable of handling them than you or me; we’re gonna prove it to her every single day, wherever we are – okay? 

I hope this necklace reminds you of our three little poems and my gratitude.

Your John x 

[snowthedemonfox]

Alright, hi everyone, episode 3's trailer is here, so it's time for an update on this post. Why am I posting this nearly 12 hours later? Because the trailer dropped at 5am for me and I wanted to sleep before going through all the new content. Since Tumblr apparently has an image limit per post, I’ll have to turn this into a reblog chain. So sorry in advance for the spam.

I'll be going through the trailer scenes out of order, but i'll focus on correcting my previous post, then focusing on the new stuff.

First up: the realistic human hand. We now know this is from the horror version of Zooble, and is in place where their other eye would be.

It seems I was right about the heads on the walls being these messed up versions of the cast, but was wrong about which one the hand belonged to. The trailer even shows us the Jax one!

The only ones we haven't seen yet are the Gangle and Kinger ones. but I will note that this creepy corpse face is also attached to the wall. Maybe it’s in the same room? Could this be the one that’s supposed to resemble Kinger? It doesn't really look like him aside from the eye placement.

Although, the eyes do seem to be reversed when it comes to which is placed higher than the other. Who else do we know who looks like that? Hm…

Anyway, if you lighten the image a bit, it looks like there's something next to the head. Not sure what it is, but it's there. You can also see the blood a lot more clearly once you brighten the image. Spooky.

Continuing with following up on the original post, we see a scene where there's a heap of these wheels that we see on the ‘tape recorder’ from the February trailer. Maybe Pomni (we see her hand opening the drawer) is the one who puts the film wheels on it. It might not even be a tape recorder? Listen, I'm a 2000s kid. I didn't have these growing up, idk what they're called. if it's film related, would that mean the ‘tape recorder’ is actually a projector or something? Or will it be audio only like we assumed? Who knows. I’ll let you guys figure that out.

Then there's the confirmation that Martha (or at least her family) own the manor the gang are exploring. Also reveals the adventure name. Neat.

So we got some screenshots for Ep 3, and I'm going to talk about some things I've noticed + some theories

I went off for over an hour in the bunnydoll burrow's VC talking about everything I noticed, but I'm realising writing it all down would be a smarter move, cause I know I'd forget it. If I've missed anything you think is important, let me know! I'll edit this post with new notes.

Let's start with the first screenshot, because that just makes the most sense:

The elephant in the room is the realistic human hand. I don't doubt this is the scene that has some level of blood and gore in it. We can't see what the hand is connected to, but whatever it is, it seems to be taller than Pomni and Kinger. They're both looking up, and the camera angle is facing down towards them both.

We can see 2 heads hanging from the wall behind Kinger, and what we can assume to be a 3rd behind the desk behind the hand.

One of these heads, as many have pointed out, seems to resemble Pomni. The face is entirely white, what I can assume is an eye seems to be the same size as Pomni's, and you can see that familiar looking hair on the side.

Even the other two things we see look like other members of the cast!

The head to the right of Kinger looks like Ragatha. It's got the hair, and even the face looks to be made of actual fabric, like a real doll. It seems whatever these things are, they're meant to look like more 'horror' versions of the characters.

(Side note, but if I had to guess, if Glitch releases a 3rd sticker sheet for episode 3, I wouldn't surprised if we got a new set of icon variations for the main cast. But instead of candy, we get these horror versions instead. I think that'd be cool, and I really hope that's what happens.)

You could even go as far to say the 'human' hand we're seeing is from the horror version of Kinger. Like I said before, the camera is looking down at them. Why would it be looking down? Because whatever's looking at them, is attached to the wall.

Moving onto other details in the room, we can see there's a chair behind Pomni with some kind of light on it. At first, I thought this might have been the tape recorder from the February trailer, but you can see the tape recorder is on a desk, not a chair.

And while there is a desk in the room, whatever is on there doesn't look like a tape recorder. It looks more like a photo, or some kind of radio.

The giant 'M' on the rug. We know the ghost lady's name is Martha Mildenhall, so this probably implies she owns the mansion the gang are exploring. Why would she need their help, though? Maybe whatever force is moving the hand in the screenshot, is some kind of 'evil' ghost, and that's why Pomni and the others are there to help. There's evil ghosts inhabitating the mansion, and Martha needs help to get rid of them. It's simple, it's your basic video game quest, it seems like a normal adventure plot that Caine would come up with.

There seems to be something behind the chair, but I can't make out if it's a door, some curtains, or some kind of closet. The lighting isn't doing me any favours. Either way, I doubt it's important to the episode, probably just background decoration.

As for my other thoughts that aren't as related to the screenshot itself, I do believe that everyone is going to be split up. Obviously Kinger and Pomni are working together, but I'm still not sure if Jax would be hanging with Ragatha & Gangle, or if he'd be off doing his own thing. As for Zooble, I'll get to them later.

And this might just be me looking into things too much, but it almost looks like one of Kinger's eyes is focused entirely on whatever is behind the camera, while the other isn't focused at all. Like he's half paying attention to the 'danger' he and Pomni are in.

But that's really all I have to say about the first screenshot. Let's move onto the main event:

Again, let's get the obvious out of the way: new Zooble design! They've got some new parts, like the arms, unicorn horn, and the blocky yellow and pink thing, but also some old parts, like the bluish-green ring, and their classic black and white antenna. So far, I like this design! I'm happy to see that they've decided to mix things up a bit. Not my favourite design, but still decent. They've got good taste.

Before I talk about Zooble and Caine, I first want to talk about the location they're in. At first, I thought this might've been Zooble's room, but looking closer, it's obviously not. Then I thought it was that little desk area at the end of the dorm hallway.

But nope, the hallway has different plants, picture frames, wallpaper, and no chairs to be seen. The plants we can see look similar to those seen in Caine's resturant realm from Ep 1, so I think I can safely guess that this is a new location, made specifically for him and Zooble to chat.

Speaking of that, I think that's going to be the driving point of Zooble's character development this episode. Something is going to convince them to join the future adventures, and it seems this will be that something. We know thanks to the AMA, that Zooble not going on adventures is important to their character, so having their episode focus on this topic makes sense.

What I can assume happened to lead up to this interaction is this:

Caine announced the adventure, and just like in both Ep 1&2, Zooble immediately expresses that they are not interested, and walks off. Caine can't really do anything about it yet, so he focuses on everyone else. Explains the rest of the adventure to them, and sends them on their way.

He then catches up to Zooble before they reach wherever they planned on going, and teleports them both to this new room. It looks almost like some kind of waiting room, or a room where they're both supposed to talk things out. It's got the comfy chairs, wall art, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a little table between them.

Zooble, obviously, is not impressed. They don't care about Caine's adventures, and want nothing to do with whatever he has planned for them in the meantime. Caine, on the other hand, just wants to figure out why Zooble doesn't want to go on his adventures. He spends so much time figuring them out! Just for the humans! Why won't Zooble participate!?

This very likely evolves into an argument between the two. I like how Caine is clearly angry in this screenshot. It's nice to see him show some more variety when it comes to emotion!! Zooble doesn't care for whatever Caine is saying, and Caine just wants to understand why they don't care.

Something happens, maybe they do talk it out, maybe something else, but by the end of the episode, Zooble decides that maybe going on a few adventures isn't that bad. I think it's way too early to guess what happens in that huge timeskip, but for now, this is the best I've got.

I feel Zooble's arc in this episode might touch on a few topics, like how while they might think staying by themselves all day and doing their own thing is better for them, isolating themselves isn't doing anyone any favours, and that, for lack of a better term, going 'outside' every once in a while can't hurt.

... and that's pretty much all I can think of to say regarding these two screenshots! I'm sure we'll get to learn more as the episode release gets closer, but I'm excited to see how things turn out!! :3

[s0lace-1n-s0l1tude]

Guys,it's almost 6am where I am right now

This morning around 5am-5h30 am I was alerted by screams outside...

I went to my balcony and heard a female voice screeching "NO,NO,NO!" along with male laughter.

Then I saw them. 3-4 guys and 1 girl,all completely on something.

The guys were trying to film or take pictures of here saying things like "That'll make views!"

I knew I had to do something but as a minor I felt overwhelmed by this sort of thing and wondered if the police would even come if I called them!

Luckily,I thought my mom also got alerted from the screams and joined me on the balcony.

I urged her to call the police or someone but she kept pointing out how they were drunk,saying stuff like "But why are they out at this hour" and I told her that this could end VERY badly for the girl and she said "She'll have to tell her mother".

...

MOM?! WHAT THE FUCK?! I tried explaining to her that it's not how that works but it was all confusion so I asked her again and she didn't call anyone.

Some guy was passing by and clearly saw what was happening,the girl even tried to run off to him but he left,intimidated and I saw a car drive around the scene 3 times without doing anything.

At this point it was just me begging my mom to call someone,I even thought about doing it myself (which I should've done) but I was overwhelmed and not ready.

In the meantime they all moved away but not far enough not to hear them.

Some woman looked by the window AFTER THEY LEFT and saw nothing where she was looking from! I hope she went to one of the windows on the other side of the appartement where you can see the streets and did something.

No one woke up or looked outside,I still haven't heard any sirens...and I haven't heard the girl scream for a while now.

I am sick to my stomach,I am baffled at my cowardness,and at everyone else's lack of empathy.

I should've done something myself.

I shouldn't go back to sleep. I can't. I wouldn't be able to.

I feel sick. Sick of myself and sick that I had to witness something like that.

I'm sick at my own and everyone else's inefficiency.

I feel like whatever I do,I'd be moving on too fast.

[just-a-little-moth]

ask game 27 and 29 c:

27: 3 things i love about myself

29: how different am I from my childhood version of me as an adult

27) i love the fact that I can still get incredibly excited about things, like linguistics or characters I'm writing. I like who I've become as a person (more on this later). I like that I'm still alive and not working a job that makes me not want to be.

29) oh... Um... Well, ya'see about that. I can't remember ever having a solid idea of who I'd be as an adult when I was a kid. There was the brief time I thought I'd be a paleontologist, then there was being a soldier in middle/high school. But really... Those were just "Things You Do" and not "Who You See Yourself As" (unless that's exactly what this question means 🤔).

But that said, I assume that I assumed that I'd end up being sort of like my dad or my older brother. I can remember (or fabricate) memories of thoughts where I told myself "I'll be like this one day". And, that was kinda right. Sorta.

The main thing is that kid didn't know what transgender was outside of Looney Toons. So I don't think they'd have expected who we've become. My middle/high school/EMT self would be surprised that we're still alive at 30 years old (a weird obsession with "dying by 30 because life isn't worth living" that's completely gone now).

Also, the fact that I might want to try dating, something that kid had never had any real interest in.

Could probably say more if it wasn't 5am, but i need sleep :)

@clair0se

[thedaveandkimmershow]

Now that I'm thinking about it, it's not that far away.

Far away?

Yeah. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. July 14, 15, and 16.

The 48 Hour Film Project.

Yup. It's that time of year again.

To review:

I joined the Combat Wombats production team a coupla years ago in 2021. My first swing at cutting a 48 hour production was for the sci-fi short, Cleaners. My second and, I think, my favorite, was the following year's mockumentary, Convergent Belonging. After which we launched into our third effort in the Fall, our horror short, What Lingers.

I was especially proud of the neck snapping in that one, by the way. 😉

Now, the 48 Hour Film Project occupies a position in our marriage that's fully unique. Not just a little. Not just a lot. 100 percent nothing like it. It's the only production during which I impose no boundaries. There is no work/life balance to be found here. No need to lie about it.

From the moment our specific genre and required elements are announced Friday evening, I. Am. On.

Right then I slide myself into the Zone based on my best judgement about the genre and required elements. That can be anything from prepping sound effects and visual effects to sifting for inspiration from some of the best work in that genre. And then, a few hours later when the script is distributed to the team, I'll read the script a few times and go to bed. Let it seep into my subconscious.

It's not a late night. But it is a work night.

The next morning, after a normal amount of sleep, Kimmer 'n I'll have breakfast together, then I'll jump in the shower, get dressed and, finally, settle on the couch or the porch or someplace comfortable where I'll get serious about the script and its implications and so on.

It's a day... is all I'm saying. A day that doesn't end until somewhere between midnight and 5AM Sunday morning.

9AM Sunday morning is when I rejoin the living and get back to work that'll end somewhere between three and five in the afternoon after which Kimmer 'n I go out somewhere for dinner. Because it's tradition. Also because it's summer and dinner outside as the sun seriously begins its arc toward the horizon feels totally deserved.

So.

A work weekend without boundaries.

I wouldn't do it. Seriously I wouldn't do it.

It's just that it's the best.

Experience.

Ever.

And now I'm thinking about it...

It's not that far away.

😊

[chuacamille26-blog]

Day 192

23rd December, 2022 3:53PM

🎵Merry Christmas - Ed Sheeran & Elton John I'm finally back again tumblr world. I just had my well deserved vacation in the Philippines almost 2 weeks ago. Although, it was only a short vacation. I did everything I could to enjoy it. Well, I had to. Since I wasn't able to go back for the past 3 years because of the pandemic and I'll be only able to go back to my home country again next year and I'm not sure when next year yet. So... my entry today will be kinda long since I'll be sharing everything what happened during my Day 1 in the Philippines. I'll be doing part by part kasi alam ko ng magiging sobrang haba nito.

& right, before anything else, Jin's in military camp now. I miss seeing them all together already! :( 5th December, 2022

Woke up from my 1 hr sleep. The night before my flight, I had to double check everything. From my clothes, my brother's things to my passport and documents. My brother booked an uber driver for me and he arrived at 6am to pick me up to bring me to the airport. Imagine going to bed at 2am then a mosquito was biting you and would fly near your ears and won't let you sleep. I hid under my blanket but I could still hear the mosquito flying near my ear. I had to kill it with the lights off lol. I think I successfully killed it though. I fell asleep around 4am and mom woke me up at 5am. I finished showering at 5:30am then the uber driver texted me to inform me that he's already down our building at around 5:50am. We had to rush down so he wouldn't have to wait that long.

Arrived airport around 6:30am and we still have to double check where the check in counter. The check in counter was at the other end of the airport then the entrance after checking in was at the other end too! There was also quite a long line that I have to queue since it was almost Christmas and there were a lot of travelers going back to the Philippines to spend Christmas with their families too.

Mom went with me to the airport though. I mean of course, why not? It was first time travelling alone. Imagine my anxiety once I entered the immigration area alone. The airport here in Hong Kong's huge and I was kinda panicking already since I might get lost. Thankfully, I didn't. lol

Here I finally found my gate number. I still had more than an hour to wait til the boarding time. Fun fact, it was my first time arriving at the gate EARLY. Since, in the past when I was still traveling with my brother and Chris.. We usually arrive the boarding gate when there was already a LAST CALL written on the board. 😂 and we always had to jog or run to our way to the boarding gate since it was also at the other end of the airport! Seriously... why does it always at the other end? 🤦‍♀️

While waiting, I texted my brother to inform him that I'm already waiting to board so he could get ready to pick me up at the airport in Manila. Nauna naman sya sakin at 1 month bakasyon nya sa Pilipinas.

Finally papasok na toh ng eroplano.

my anxietyyyy...

Then after this shot, I slowly fell asleep. Nakatulog ako kasi nga 1 hour lang yung tulog ko at almost 2 hours naman yung byahe from HK to Manila. At this point, automatic ng nawala sa isip yung about work. As in, wala akong naramdaman na stress na. Pure joy lang. BTW, kahit nakatulog ako sa flight, hindi talaga yung kalaliman ng tulog kasi hindi naman comfortable yung upuan para lumalim tulog ko.

At sakto nung nagising ako, eto na yung nakita ko. The very first glimpse of the Philippines! Yung saya ko nyan sobrang hindi ko ma-explain.

Tapos nag-announce na ang pilot na prepare for descend na since malapit na nga talaga.

nung nakita ko toh.. ang nasabi ko na lang talaga na... I AM HOME. IM FINALLY HOME.

eto na, eto na, eto na. pa-landing na. ang saya saya!

Finally, landed!

The waiting game begins here. But before pa toh, nung naglalakad ako papuntang immigration. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali pero nauna pa rin ako sa carousel. Tapos yun, I started texting my relatives sa group chat namin na IM HOME. tapos nagreply si auntie na "prank ba yan?" hahaha kasi walang nakakaalam na uuwi ako. Kami lang nila mama, oti, Chris ang nakakaalam. Then tinawagan ni auntie si oti. si oti hindi ko pala nainform na sasabihin ko na sa group chat. lol

tapos dito, mga 30 mins pa ako naghintay ng maleta dyan. nakakaloka.

After 30 mins, nandito na maleta ko. yay!!! at the same time, nag-text na din sakin si oti na nasa carpark na sya.

eto na yung sundo ko.

first stop is Binondo para ipick up si Uncle na sasama samin sa sementeryo to visit angkong, gwakong, gwama and Joy.

yun naman kasi talaga yung plan ko talaga. first day pa lang is madaanan na at makadalaw sa kanila since 3 years hindi nakauwi at nangako ako na everytime na makakauwi ako, dadalawin ko sila.

after dumalaw at ihatid pabalik sa Binondo si Uncle. Namasyal na din muna kami sa Lucky China Town. Tapos first meal of the day... BREAKFAST/LUNCH/DINNER na namin toh. Eto yung, nasa manila ka na pero chinese food pa rin kakainin mo. hahaha. ok lang naman kasi namiss ko yung MAHKI.

BTW, nung susunduin pa lang namin si Uncle sa Binondo, we passed by din sa old school namin located in Jose Abad Santos. Sobrang daming memories talaga. Sobrang namiss ko yung old times.

That's where we studied. iniba na yung name. pero for everyone who studied there and still studying there... it's still called KIAO TIONG.

after namin maglibot sa Lucky China Town, we were supposed to head to MOA and IKEA na sana. Pero tumawag si Uncle Wil kay Uncle na papuntahin daw muna kami sa bahay nila which is just in front of Lucky China Town. So, we went there and stayed for a bit. Since naiinitan kami ni oti sa bahay nila and wala naman kaming ginagawa masyado... Ininsist na namin na pupunta na kami sa MOA at IKEA.

Next stop after Binondo, IKEA. kahit na may IKEA dito sa Hong Kong. I still wanted to go sa IKEA ng Manila since yun na ang biggest IKEA in the world. True naman. ang laki nga. Pero there's nothing much to see kasi same lang din naman yung mga products sa IKEA dito sa Hong Kong of course. Wala lang, gusto ko lang pumunta. Since may exit naman din sa IKEA na ang labas mo is a part of MOA tapos tagos tagos na lang din dun. Sobrang napagod kami ni oti kakalakad. Ok lang naman maglakad pero ang init kasi and may suot pa na mask. Kaya medyo ang hirap. Sobrang uhaw. Even told mom na sobrang init at pawis na pawis na ako. Kasi syempre winter dito sa Hong Kong. super lamig nung morning ko tapos biglang init na sa gabi lol.

Sa sobrang uhaw at hindi na namin talaga matiis. Plus, was kinda craving for milk tea din kasi. tapos Oti wanted to drink Thai Milk Tea for how long na. So we did everything we could just to look for their shop in MOA since may nasalubong din kami na girl na umiinom nyan. lol. after drinking, we continued walking around MOA. and guess what I found.

TA-DA! IN THE SOOP in Mall of Asia, MANILA!!! Grabe yung saya ko dyan! my wallet is prepared literall! Kahit na hindi ko inexpect na meron pa sila sa MOA. Plus I know na pricey talaga yung benta. My brother was trying to stop me from entering na. Pero wala syang nagawa. I ended up buying a mug.

Dhai, ang ingat ko talaga hawakan pati supot. Bawal malukot hahaha

after MOA, umuwi na kami. I told my brother na umuwi na kami sa condo kasi I wanted to see it personally na din kung ok ba yung outcome ng designs and everything. Tsaka sobrang pagod ko na talaga at medyo inaantok na ako. Kahit na gusto ko pa lubus-lubusin yung oras ko sa Pilipinas, I still need to think about myself din.

Day 1 end

--to be continued--

[suedrawl]

okay sorry i did a huge reblog dump bcs it’s 5am and i just want to sleep but my health don’t give me any days off

anyway hey!! I’m okay. I was at the ER for 12 hours a few days ago—spent 10 hours in the waiting room, 2 in a weird closet/makeshift room. only to be told it’s likely just a minor infection or virus. god. cannot express accurately how that day went. it was…a day. so thankful for Pablo, at least

so we were initially worried about things like gallstones, appendicitis, miscarriage, kidney issues, so on. but I am okay sorta . blood work and xrays didn’t show anything outside of higher white blood count. so essentially IBS or something? but i’m still dealing with bad stomach cramps (like now!). been struggling to get myself to hydrate, fatigued, achey—it doesn’t combine well with my already Normal Pain

tho finally after weeks of trying i got an appointment set up with my pcp on monday. so maybe i’ll get more answers then. also will see about medical marijuana, physical therapy, and short term disability

i just hope something is found—anything. with the cramping, all the weight gain I’ve had, and other symptoms. i’m so tired. i’m so embarrassed with my state. i know i’ve disappointed and let people down. I haven't been around for friends as much. So I'm partial to say things Have worsened? But honestly, in a way, far from true

I haven't been passively suicidal and hopeless like I was in what felt like a decade or more. I'm with someone I love, living on my own, and have been given the space to rest/recover. And I honestly have been loving the distance from the internet and older social habits. it’s nothing against friends, but readjusting myself from the mom friend/caretaker/masking/denying myself space and needs. the solitary (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been drawing the Hermit card) and focus on irl/more in the moment has been so relieving

but also feels so… like i’m trading one bad thing for another set. my grandfather (last grandparent alive) isn’t doing well. my cat Gibbs… it won’t be long, and I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in time. Haven’t seen my family in over a year. Struggling financially. Been working through a lot of communication/boundaries/needs with Pablo and his family. This season is always rough bcs it’s SAD on top of my regular chronic depression. cold weather is hard on my fibro. other health issues are flaring and struggling to find respite. it’s also weird bcs this is the time where i was lost in the woods as a child. missing my dad. family childhood trauma. the weight…i hate it. feeling lost, discouraged, exhausted. that sense of being betrayed by my body. struggling to keep up, accepting so many limitations, realizing that realistically, you are not enough for others expectations. it’s something i am used to, and inherently can pick up fast. but still takes time to process and cope

just wanna draw and be house wife like. i have really basic needs and hopes right now

small steps. keep trying. i’ll get there, bit by bit. but i am so deeply exhausted

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Doctor Y/n - Ortho Fellowship - 22 - Grey's Anatomy x Fem!Reader

"Urgh, it's 5am, who's calling?" You grumbled as Jo's phone began to buzz, waking both you and Jo up from where the two of you were peacefully sleeping.

Teddy was at her place with Allison, after having spent dinner with you and Jo.

"Hey Mer... it's 5am and it's not Karev anymore... I don't know yet."

"I'll share with you, you can have S/n?" You murmured, pressing your face into the pillow before letting out a groan and throwing the duvet off to get up.

You were pressing buttons on the coffee machine as Jo removed her wedding ring and put it on her bedside table.

"Pro-bono surgery day means I am having a lot of caffeine." You replied, throwing a towel at Jo as she headed towards the bathoom.

///

"Link's the father!" Amelia announced as she walked in, taking the unopened snack bar you had in your hand as you pouted.

"I know Maggie told you that it might be Owen's, but it's not. Hi, Jo."

"I already knew, Link sent me a Bitmoji last night of a baby's body with his face on it, which I can't unsee." Jo admitted, nudging you in the ribs as you snorted, having also seen the Bitmoji last night.

"Well, that's... great news!" Owen cheered, "I'm happy for you, both of you, all of us, I guess, right?"

"Okay... see you upstairs. Congrats." Jo stated as she headed out, pausing as you kissed Teddy quickly before hurrying after Jo.

///

"Uh, it's Wilson now, wait, I don't like that either... uh... screw it, S/n? That's going to set the rumour mill on fire, isn't it? Just call me Jo. Doctor Jo." Jo stated, covering the Karev embroidery on her lab coat with a sticker.

///

You had just completed a hip replacement surgery when you spotted Teddy talking to Amelia whilst Jo was with Owen.

"I gave up my apartment, my job, my universal healthcare and my European work visa, to end up in a relationship with an amazing orthopedic surgeon and raise my daughter with her and my daughter's father-"

"There's a but in there, isn't there?" Amelia realised, turning around to face Teddy.

"I don't know how she feels about marriage, especially after what happened with Jo, and a lot of the other married couples she has known have ended in divorce. I know I need to ask her, but I don't want to rock the boat-"

"Y/n said something once, when she chose ortho over cardio... she said she took a risk, and that she wanted to take more risks, which is probably why she flew to New York on her day off during residency, besides she and Jo were fighting. Anyway, maybe you should rock the boat and take a chance on Y/n." Amelia replied, leaving Teddy to pause.

"Rocking the boat can have consequences though..."

///

"What the hell is happening?" You exclaimed as the code violet alarm began to go off, hurrying to spot the human chain cutting DeLuca off from everyone else.

"Oh shit..." You murmured, pausing as you glanced over at who DeLuca was accusing of human trafficking in his rambles.

"Weird vibes..." You whispered before your phone buzzed, reminding you of another surgery that you had to do.

///

"Who'd you kill?" Jo asked as the two of you arrived at the bar.

"I think I dumped myself. Is that even possible? Oh wait, of course it is, I'm me! I left all my stuff at Nico's place because he convinced me to move out of my mom's house. And I haven't found an apartment yet, so I'm homeless." Levi admitted, giving you an exasperated look as you flicked a grape into your mouth.

"Do you want to stay at my place whilst you look for your own?" Jo asked as she put her beer down on the bar.

"Jo, that time in my mother's basement was a one-time thing. I'm a gay man." Levi deadpanned, leaving you to laugh as you remembered that Jo and Levi had hooked up before, whereas Jo was laughing for a different reason.

"That's why you're getting the invite, dummy! Plus, I'm basically staying at Braces' apartment, my place is too empty and I can't stand to look at it anymore." Jo explained, sipping her beer.

"Then definitely yes." Levi smiled, clinking beers with Jo as you flicked another grape into your mouth.

Jo raised an eyebrow as your phone buzzed, watching you type a reply.

"Going to get laid tonight?" Jo enquired, smirking as you missed the grape you flicked into your mouth.

"I wish. I think Teddy wants to talk about the future." You replied, giving Levi a grateful look as he pushed the basket of peanuts over to you.

"Oh... do you want to talk about the future, with Teddy?" Jo asked, raising an eyebrow as you stared at the bar.

"That apartment is my safe space, Joey. Plus, you're kinda there too, I'm not leaving you." You replied, leaving Jo to sigh.

"Worse case scenario, we all move in together and raise children as a matrifocal thing. Y'know, a massive fuck you to the nuclear family." Jo suggested, laughing as you gave her a confused look.

"Children? Owen has Leo, Cody and Mac have Rory, where are these 'children' besides Allison coming from?" You enquired, leaving Jo to smirk.

"Well, there's adoption, IVF, artificial insemination..."

"And on that note, I am leaving to go talk about the future with my girlfriend and find out if there is a future. Because right now, I'm batting two for two based on my past two relationships and how they ended... and you can tell I'm bricking it because now I'm rambling. Goodnight you two."

///

"Hi."

"Hi. I figured coming here would feel more comfortable for you, as it's your safe space and I didn't want to alienate you with anything." Teddy explained as she walked into your apartment.

"What exactly did you want to talk about?" You avoided looking at her as you asked, instead staring at the old video games that sat near the old TV. The TV had Cody had fixed up for you when the two of you found it in a dumpster in college.

"Well, Amelia's baby is Link's, so we don't need to panic about the dynamic changing with four babies, I know Rory isn't yours, but Allison really likes Rory around and I was worried about change. I keep worrying about change and I wanted to ask you about how you feel about things like moving in together and marriage and kids but-"

"Marriage is just so, it's a piece of paper and weddings are so overwhelming and over the top and what if everything went wrong and it didn't work out. Joey's barely holding it together after Alex left her... I'd rather just elope and take your name. But rings are, rings have bad connotations." You sighed, wrapping your arms around yourself as you spotted a familar video game.

"You know, that Just Dance game has high scores from my intern year on it. There was someone in our class, her name was Heather Brooks. She was my friend. Back then, I only had Joey, so to make friends was rare for me. She, uh, she died. I miss her, I miss everyone who leaves, because they all eventually do. I'm scared, Teddy. I'm scared that one day you'll up and go, just like Alex did to Joey. Or something else will happen and you'll be gone like Danielle, dead. I love you, Teddy Altman, and that terrifies me." You played with your fingers, staring at the video game case that held the Just Dance game, memories flicking by in your head of Brooks smiling and Danielle cheering.

"Everyone is supposed to go someday, Y/n. I'm sorry that you have lost so many people so early in life, but I can promise that I will fight for you. I will fight for you in a way that Alex didn't fight for Jo, I will fight to come back to you if I am ever on the cusp of death, I will fight for you, and I will fight for Allison, because as much as you don't realise, Allison has three parents. I want you to use that fear, that terror, and fight for us too. Please." Teddy walked over, cradling your head in her hands as her thumbs wiped away the stray tears that ran down your face.

"I know this apartment is your safe place but-"

"You're my safe place, you, Joey and Allison. You are all my safe place." You affirmed, standing up so you could hold Teddy close to you.

"I'm not ready to move in with you yet, Joey isn't in a good place, but I think that one day, I would be strong enough to leave this place... the couch is a dealbreaker though, I am not getting rid of the couch." You bargained, smiling as Teddy chuckled.

"That couch is the most comfortable couch I have ever felt, I'd think you were going wild if you wanted to get rid of it." Teddy kissed your forehead, smiling at the grin on your face.

///

Tags: @nnightskiess @emskisworld @multifandomlesbianic @thegirlwhowishedeveryonelived @inquisitive-nix