#it's about women having issues with their mums and the soft boys who will come along and take their last names when they get married!

[holly-mckenzie]

DARK S1E09 (2017) / 1899 S1E03 (2022)

[thegendercocktail]

Posting old notes to myself - 18th Sept 22

So today, I was going through my google drive, looking for stuff to delete and make space when I come across old documents I wrote for myself as sorta journal like entries over the time I’ve been questioning my gender. But now that I’ve got this tumblr page as a way to document it, I figured it would be appropriate to share those documents to here. I’ll be posting them as I find them in the google drive. This first one is from 18th September 2022

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Gender is seen from multiple perspectives. From a scientific standpoint, it’s the physical attributes a person displays at birth, but for many in the world, gender is seen as a spectrum upon which where we are placed is dependent on how we feel as individuals. 

From birth, I was labelled as a Male, making me an AMAB person. Based upon this label from doctors, the influences I experienced growing up were majorly masculine: being placed in the boys changing rooms, wearing jeans and t shirts and being directed towards masculine oriented activities such as sports and FPS video games for examples.

For all my life, I’ve been seen and identified as a male by everyone around me and I don’t have an issue with that…At least, I didn’t have an issue until recently. When I was in late secondary school, I discovered that there are people who identify with genders that don’t correlate with their birth genders and that they were referred to as transgender.

Before I learned of the term, I thought the idea of transitioning genders was a fantasy, something that could only be imagined or something from a dream. There were times where I saw people present in clothes associated with the opposite sex but tv and film had labelled them as ‘crossdressers’ and ‘perverts’, displaying it as some sort of fetish.

When I learned of the term though, my curiosity led me to search it up online and from there, I was blown away to learn that the world of gender, something which many regard as one of the smaller, basic details of an individual’s life, is vast and more expanded than I realise. Instead of two polar opposites between male and female, there was a whole line connecting the two with multiple identities such as non-binary, bigender, agender and so on.

It was fascinating for me to learn that we didn’t have to restrict ourselves because of the body parts we had or what society expects of us, but that we could decide how we wanted to present and how we want to identify.

That was my introduction to the term and the knowledge, but I hadn’t actually met a trans person in real life, not until Year 11.

In Year 11, I was struggling with my sexuality, at the time identifying as homosexual. My mum suggested to me an LGBTQ+ group in the city centre that met every Monday so that I could talk with others in the community and learn more.

My first session, I was awkward and shy but everyone was incredibly friendly and supportive. It was also there, though, that I first met members of the trans community in real life. Trans women, trans men and non-binary people were all in the same room and for me, the best word I could use to describe them was interesting. They talked about how they were doing as well as talking about their progress with their transitions. I didn’t know why at the time but I was intrigued to hear more.

Over time, as I learned and communicated more about the idea of gender, I began to find myself questioning certain aspects of myself. Memories resurfaced from childhood with the potential for deeper meaning. I’d remember times where I dressed up in princess costumes and twirled and danced in them, I remember taking photos for Instagram and thinking about how happy I felt cause of the softness of my face but also I remembered going through puberty and the difficulties I had facing it.

When I was a child in primary school, one of my favourite parts was when we sung hymns (yes, I went to a Church of England school, hymns were the only thing we sung). I didn’t like it because of the lyrics or the melodies, but because of how I’d always sing the high notes. I love to sing, especially in primary school cause of how high my voice would go. I felt like I was singing like one of heaven’s angels (I know, dramatic). I thought it would never end but then puberty came.

As I grew older, I found my voice cracking more and more the higher I tried to sing and I hated it so much. My voice kept getting lower and I begged it to stop, even though I knew it was futile. In the end, there was no choice for me but to accept the existence of an adam’s apple in my throat dragging my notes down an octave down or two. Ever since then, I had to spend years to adjust to my new singing voice but I still wish I could sing those higher notes again every once in a while. After all this time, a part of me is starting to think that my voice getting lower possibly triggered a sense of gender dysphoria within me.

It wasn’t just my voice either. From time to time, I kept having certain thoughts and I thought I was crazy or weird for even thinking them. I kept imagining myself pregnant, as in carrying an actual child in my tummy and caring for them as they grew inside. At one point, I listened to an RP of a pregnant listener and I shed a tear as I immersed myself in it only to realise that that will never be possible. If I knew then what I knew now about dysphoria, perhaps I could’ve been open about it and maybe discussed it with a professional like a therapist.

The signs of dysphoria don’t just stop there, they had also impacted me during my sexual encounters with partners. When I began a relationship with a trans man named Axel, it was during a period time before he was able to have surgery or start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) with testestorene. His body still had the physical attributes of his birth sex as female. I loved him and I was happy for them to express who they were but whenever we had sex, I kept thinking about how jealous I was of him for having boobs and a vagina. I know that it sounds awful but unfortunately it’s true. I kept thinking about why I couldn’t have those physical attributes and be on the other end, experiencing those feelings. 

During my sexual encounters, it’s usually proved a challenge to finish, I thought maybe it was because my head was out of it, or I wasn’t communicating properly what I needed, but now I wonder if maybe it’s because of my gender and how it’s affect on my sense of self. 

As I contemplate all of this, a part of me thinks that perhaps after all of this time, maybe I’m actually a girl and I need to transition to finally help my body connect with me. I bet that’s what you’re thinking reading this, that that should be what I should do. I wish it was that easy but unfortunately, it’s not.

To transition is a big change, and is rather permanent. If I want to transition, I have to be sure and right now, I’m not. There are times where I feel like my chest is missing something or that my genitalia feels uncomfortable when it shifts beneath clothing but at other times, I feel like that’s all gone away, like it was never there in the first place. It creates a sense of uncertainty that tears me in two and I think has been having an emotional toll on me.

I have all these doubts inside of me that make me worry that if I go down the road of transitioning, I’ll at some point change my mind and it’ll be too late. Everyone would think of me as a liar, as a fraud and call me an attention seeking asshole and that terrifies me so much. I don’t want to be a liar, I just want to be me.

Ever since I’ve started this journey of exploring my own gender though, my pronouns of he/him have started to feel uncomfortable. Being referred to as a gentleman, a man or a son have started to feel weird or maybe they were always weird and I’ve just started noticing. I can’t tell and I don’t know how to tell from my own perspective.

For now, I identify as genderfluid, meaning I currently don’t have a fixed gender, I fluctuate across the spectrum. This label has worked and helped me fit a little better but when the dysphoria returns and I feel wrong, it hits so hard like the Incredible Hulk giving you a gut punch. 

Even now as I type, I feel like my body is wrong and I want to change it so bad, but when I wake up in the morning, will I feel the same way, or will it feel like it was never there to begin with. That’s the struggle I’m facing with finding a correct gender identity. If you were to ask me what gender was, I’d say…

Gender is frightening but beautiful.

Gender will hurt but it will also bring joy.

Gender is who you are but it will not define you.

[kpostedsum]

daddy issues; D.M

summary: you and draco bond over issues in 6th year

word count: 2.4k

warnings: err angst, comfort, illusions to sex

song: daddy issues (the remix) - the neighbourhood

a/n: i tried not to make it stereotypical bc i didn’t wanna make it seem all “i like older men lol”, probably my fav fic i’ve written, also arent these anime gifs so cute

masterlist | taglist

Take you like a drug

I taste you on my tongue

Tongues battling for dominance, bodies rubbing against each other searching for a feeling. It’s become routine now, a different person in your dorm swallowing a new pill, entangling limbs with someone just to feel something.

You ask me what I'm thinking about

I tell you that I'm thinking about

Whatever you're thinking about

Tell me something that I'll forget

And you might have to tell me again

It's crazy what you'll do for a friend

It was a constant cycle, putting yourself out there seeking the male attention you crave, seeking validation, constant reassurance and trusting too easily. That’s how you ended up with a different guy who always in the end leaves. You trusted too easily and people took advantage of how trusting and naive you are just for a quick shag.

You wished it wasn’t like this but that’s all you knew, wanting to be the best version of yourself for someone just to feel needed, no matter if the person was good or bad for you. You didn’t care, you wanted love from anyone you could get it from even if it just hurt you more.

You’re familiar with the absence, something stable made you feel a bit wary. It wasn’t something you were used to. Your father wasn’t the most present in your life, and even though he's there, he's never really there.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

You always wondered where you went wrong, he preferred your siblings over you and doesn't pay you a piece of his mind. Constantly going out of your way to get his attention whether it was academically or acting a certain way just to get some sort of reaction. But he was too preoccupied with his other children, even if they were from your mom or his affairs.

That’s how you found yourself right now sitting in the astronomy tower past curfew watching the rain fall, trying to clear your head while humming softly to yourself to keep yourself distracted.

You hear distant chattering from below and quickly get up from where you were sitting and make your way to your dorm unnoticed by anyone.

Except one person, Draco Malfoy.

I tried to write your name in the rain

But the rain never came

So I made with the sun

The shade

Always comes at the worst time

He’s seen you before, you’re known around Hogwarts for how you put yourself out there and how ‘desperate’ you are for some affection. He almost feels bad for you, but he’s in no place to judge. With his dad in Azkaban Draco had so much more to worry about, like his task and how he can succeed. But there was something about you that intrigued him that he couldn't ignore.

He saw you again in transfiguration the next day and noticed a few hickeys littering your neck that you had tried to cover but it didn’t work. He wondered why you gave yourself up to so many people, but once again he was in no place to judge. He noticed the way your tongue would stick out when you focused extra hard, the way your hands would tighten around your quill when you got a question wrong and your face.

The same face that many boys including the older years would fawn over, the face that entranced and attracted many, the face of someone who would do anything for someone for some affection and the face of someone who seeked out all the wrong things.

You ask me what I'm thinking about

I tell you that I'm thinking about

Whatever you're thinking about

Tell me something that I'll forget

And you might have to tell me again

It's crazy what you'll do for a friend

You walk out of transfiguration on your way to the owlery to send a letter to your parents and feel eyes watching you everywhere. You like it, the attention, it’s something that you thrived in, but you couldn’t help but feel a new set of eyes on you.

Once you reached the owlery you realized you weren't the only one there, Draco Malfoy was also there sending a letter to who you assumed was his mother.

“y/n, right?” he asked, trying to spark a conversation.

“Yea, listen i’m sorry about what happened with your father i know you really looked up--”

“Dont worry about it, he wasn’t as good an influence as I made him out to be,” he sighed, looking away.

“My dad isn’t the best either if i’m being honest, i guess we’re in the same boat” you let out a light chuckle.

And that’s how you found yourself hanging out with draco malfoy bonding over your shared issues.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues

It’s been weeks since you two started hanging out since the interaction in the owlery and have been getting closer ever since. You both sat down together in the astronomy tower, backed against the wall as the cool wind blew against your faces. The aura between you two was calm, a comfortable silence.

“So tell me about your dad, how is it with him in Azkaban?” you asked, tilting your head towards him.

“Mother’s not taking it well” he frowned. “I can’t even say potter’s wrong for getting him locked up because he deserves it. All my life he praised the dark lord and taught me to be selfish and always defend my blood, but he was never there for me when I needed him. I would have done everything just to hear ‘i’m proud of you’ but it never came. It’s worse now because mother’s all alone. I wish I could have stayed with her” he sighed looking out the tower watching the stars twinkle.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been much quieter this year as well, you stopped making fun of people. It’s not that nice on the receiving end huh?” you said with a teasing look on your face.

He shook his head at you scooting closer to you, it’s like the demeanor between you two have changed over the past few weeks. You found yourself pining over him rather than being in someone's bed. But this is how the cycle always goes, you get attached and they leave, you couldn’t help but hope this wasn’t the situation this time.

“Tell me about your father”

Daddy stuck around but he wasn't present

Cheated on your mom but she never left him

First I didn't get it, now I understand

He broke her heart, left money in her hand

So everything got paid for

She made sure you and your brother had way more

Than she ever had growing up

And when you told me the whole story I felt like throwing up

“ I don't know if i’d even call him my father at this point, he doesn't want me.” you sighed. “He's been cheating on my mum for years now and she still won't leave him because she thinks they can work it out. He’s had affairs with different pureblood women and has children with them. But what hurts the most is how he treats them as his own children and treats me as if I don't exist” you said, looking down as tears pooled your eyes.

Draco moved closer to you and brought his arm around your shoulders for a sense of comfort and waited for you to catch your breath so you can continue.

“I just want him to love me” you cried. “I go out my way to try and get his attention with my school work but it never works. That's why I get along with so many guys. I seek the validation, the comfort and the reassurance that I can get from him from others and I am so tired of it. I just want him to want me draco.” tears slipping out your eyes as you looked up at him, you’ve never confessed this to anyone before.

“Everyone always leaves, please don't leave me” you cried

“I’m not going anywhere” he turned his face towards you, leaning forward cautiously as if you were made of glass.

You leaned forward, wanting the exact same thing. Both very hesitant he gently pressed his soft lips against yours and they moved together in sequence, only taking a break to go back to his dorm and to breathe, limbs tangled together for the rest of the night until the sun rose.

I can see it on your face it was rough left a bad taste on your tongue

And she didn't even take any drug

She would rain all day

Couldn't wait for her son to shine

And you made it shine

There when she cried, you saved her life

It's been a week since that night in the astronomy tower and draco had already been avoiding you. It’s humiliating, but you should have known. You thought the ‘bond’ you had with him would last, it felt so genuine this time. So real.

You’d see him around the halls snogging pansy on your way back to the ravenclaw tower, lowering your head down so he wouldn’t be able to see you so you could get by quickly and unnoticed.

But he saw you.

He stared you right down in your teary eyes as he made out with pansy. You couldn’t help but feel a sense of betrayal, for someone who promised he wouldn’t leave you like everyone else, he did the exact same.

You did the only thing you knew of, you ran.

I keep on trying to let you go

I'm dying to let you know

How I'm getting on

I didn't cry when you left at first

But now that you're dead it hurts

This time I gotta know

Where did my daddy go?

I'm not entirely here

Half of me has disappeared

Draco followed you to the girls lavatory, hearing your shallow cries coming from one of the stalls. He approached the stall you were in trying not to make too much noise so he doesn't startle you.

He felt awful.

He promised he would never leave you, after you both poured your hearts out to each other but he still left. He had too, he was putting you in danger just by being with him. If Voldemort ever found out about you and hurt you he wouldn't be able to live with himself, that's why he took it upon himself to hurt you first.

“y/n are you in here?” he called out even though he knew the answer.

You recognized that familiar voice anywhere. “What do you want draco?” you said, trying to make it seem as if you weren’t just crying.

“I want to talk to you, please”

“No,” you said getting up and pushing yourself out of the stall. “You don't get to just throw me away after I told you everything and just come back into my life like nothing ever happened. Just go away, that's all you guys are good for” you spat.

“Just listen to me, it was to keep you safe. I didn;t want to but i couldn't bear seeing you hurt” he tried to explain.

“Safe?” you laughed. “ and what exactly do i need saving from, malfoy.”

“From me” he said as he pulled up his sleeve revealing his dark mark to you. Your body instantly tensed, you knew he was having problems and his family was involved with the dark lord but you never knew it was like this.

“Draco i-” you tried to say something but the words were stuck in your throat. He stood there looking at you desperately like he was waiting for you to tell him everything was okay, you wanted to be there for him but you didn’t know what to do. You trusted him with everything but he couldn't trust you with this? You thought the bond you had made would have made him trust you in the slightest, but clearly it's always you who’s more trusting.

“Why didn't you tell me?” you managed to say, your voice hoarse.

“I thought you’d leave me, you were the only good thing i had. Please don't leave me” he begged, salty tears escaping his eyes and running down his cheeks as he looked at you with desperation.

“So you thought pushing me away by snogging pansy was better?” you yelled, as he continued to look at you slightly taken aback by your lashing out.

“You know what, go ahead and cry little boy. You know that your daddy did too, you know what your mama went through. You gotta let it out soon, just let it out” you taunted walking closer to him looking straight into his teary eyes.

“This time I'll be the one that leaves.” and with that you were gone.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

It’s been months since that night in the girls lavatory, and you missed him. You wanted to visit him in the hospital wing once you heard what happened with Harry Potter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. He left you, and you were tired of always going back to people who just hurt you.

Now here you were at the battle of Hogwarts, standing with everyone while Voldemort and his death eaters stood across from you all.

“Draco, draco come here” you heard narcissa call from across the scene. He looked hesitant, as if he was waiting for someone to stop him but no one did. So he started walking over to his parents.

But you grabbed his hand.

“Stay please” you whispered looking up into his eyes.

He looked back at his parents and back at you like he was contemplating his answer.

“I’ll stay”

If you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

—————-

tagging fun ppl nd ppl who interacted (so srry if u don’t wanna be tagged)

@hellohellook @astoria-malfcy @justfangirlthingies @sfdlm @falling-loki @notvasi @gwlvr @malfoytookmyheart

[seanfalco]

Girl Talk | Misfits Timeline Anomaly’verse

Word Count: 4.5k Warnings: smut, oral (f!receiving), voyeurism a/n: Happy Thirsty Thursday from @super-unpredictable98 & I 💚

——

Lydia stared at the Community Centre through the window, as she often did, her fingers dancing over guitar strings as she tried not to disturb the others still asleep in the bedroom. 

"I just wanna tell you that you're really pretty girl, I just wanna know if you will let me be your world.  I just know you got to taste like candy, candy girl.  I just wanna tell you that you're really pretty girl..."

Win stirred as she heard the faint sound of singing coming from the other room and she sat up, rubbing her eyes. Looking down she noticed right away that Lydia was gone, both Nathans sprawled out snoring softly. Carefully extricating herself, Win gently brushed her fingers through her Nathan's curls as she slipped off the bed, grabbing one of the boys’ hoodies from the door handle to wrap around herself as she snuck out to the other room, drawn by the sound of Lydia's voice.

"I just wanna tell you... Jesus Christ!" Lydia yelped, clutching her chest when she noticed Win standing next to her. She immediately turned red as if somehow her girlfriend could read her mind through the song. "Sorry, did I wake you up?"

Win smiled at the sight of Lyddie's burning cheeks, sitting down next to her, and tucking her bare legs under her. "Yeah, but it's okay. Your lovely voice is the best thing to wake up to," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear as she leaned in to brush a kiss to Lyddie's cheek. "Were you perhaps, singing about me just now?" she asked innocently.

"Yes..." Lydia admitted, unable to look Win in the eye, but leaning into her touch. "I- God, I'm terrible at this, you're so charming and I feel like everything I say just sounds dorky." 

Another stolen song, she should probably tell Win that as much as she meant those words, they weren't hers, but maybe now wasn't the best moment for that…

"I don't think you're dorky, and you're far from terrible at this..." Win murmured, tilting her head. "You've thoroughly charmed me."

"Maybe you just have a soft spot for former nerds and delinquents," Lydia placed her hand on the back of Win's neck, closing the distance between them with a tender kiss.

Win sighed as she kissed Lydia back, savouring the moment.

"Don't you know, I'm a delinquent too," she teased, "and a closet nerd." At the skeptical look on Lydia's face Win's grin grew. "Oh yes, there's much you have yet to learn about me, Lydia Bellamy."

"That makes a lot of sense, I have a thing for bad girls," Lydia chuckled, putting the guitar away. "But why don't you tell me, then? What do I have to learn about Winrey Lewis in order to become an expert?"

Win smirked, "Oh jeeze, where to start," she mused, twisting a strand of Lyddie's hair between her fingers. "Well, I love a good horror movie... and the bad ones too," she said, thinking. "I read comic books, the dirty ones," she confessed with a laugh. "and I stole the yellow Fender that I use for all my shows," she finished. "What more do you want to know?" she asked.

"First of all, yes, bad horror movies are great. Second of all, I read the superhero ones, but I'd love to try yours. And third of all, that is so fucking sexy..." Lydia groaned, holding Win against her chest as she leaned against the window.

"Tell me a little about your family, how are they? I can't wait to meet them."

Win's smile faltered as Lyddie brought up her family and she went quiet. "Ahh, yeah... my family," she mumbled awkwardly, sighing. "You don't wanna meet them. Trust me."

"Oh," Lydia suddenly felt horrible for even bringing it up. "What's the deal with them? T-t-that is if you wanna tell me, if you don't that totally fine, I understand."

Win felt Lydia tense next to her and she quickly sat up, looking at her girlfriend. "My mum died when I was 16. She had cancer. She fought it for three years and we thought..." she shook her head, "It came out of remission and it took her quickly.”

“After that my dad, he... he changed. He remarried shortly after, like he couldn't even wait for my mum to be put in the ground. And my step mum... she's such a cunt. Just ask Nathan."

Win shook her head, a bitter twist to her lips. "And then there's my step sister, Delilah. She's a year older than me, and the reason I ended up in community service."

"I'm so sorry, Winnie," Lydia didn't even know how to react, she thought about her family all the time and lamented what happened when she left, but at least they were all alive and well. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm really sorry..." Lydia suddenly stopped when she realized something. "Your step sister, you say her name is Delilah, isn't she the one who threw that party last year?"

"Yeah, you know about that?" Win asked, sitting up straighter, curious as to how Lyddie knew.

"That fucking bitch! She's friends with my bully's older sister, well... one of my bullies. After that fight in the bowling alley, your step sister and those two slags made my life a living hell!" Lydia groaned furiously. "They filled my locker with mice, they told everyone I had sex with our bio teacher, they dumped a bucket of piss on me... That was just the first month."

"Wait, what!" Win gasped, her brows drawing down, her mouth falling open. "That cunt," she growled under her breath. "Lyddie, I'm so sorry!"

"Yeah, it was a difficult year... Jesus, I understand why you don't want me to meet them," Lydia shook her head, remembering all the laughs, the stares, and the name calling.

"Hey," Win murmured, slowly wrapping her arms around Lydia's shoulders, an idea coming to her. "Maybe we should go see them sometime, if only t'give Delilah a little taste of her own medicine," she laughed.

"Yeah... I would like that," Lydia smiled, the idea of avenging her younger self was tempting. "And I think your step mom is gonna have a fit when she knows you're in a quad, we can kill two birds with one bullet."

Win laughed. “My dad already hates Nathan, especially after the scene he caused the first time they met and then when we all went over to get my stuff when we got our flat he told him he’d knocked me up.”

"That is the most Nathan thing I've ever heard," Lydia snorted with laughter. "Oh my God, I wish I could've seen his face... I love when Nate pulls this kind of stunt, it's kinda hot."

“He looked like a fish,” Win laughed as she remembered how he’d open and closed his mouth several times, his face turning progressively redder. “And you’re right. It is kinda hot,” Win agreed with a sigh, feeling affection wash over her for her Nathan.

"I wish I could introduce you to my parents, my mum might... have some issues, but my dad would love you!" Lydia smiled sadly, a sharp sting in her heart from thinking about him. "He'd probably tell you my good taste in women comes from him."

“Tell me about him,” Win prompted gently, resting her head on Lyddie’s shoulder. “I mean, if you want. He just seems special to you.”

"My dad is the kindest, most caring man I know, that's where Simon gets it from. He's brave, and funny, and smart... my mum was almost never home because of work, so he basically raised us, he's the only person I regret leaving behind," Lydia's eyes filled with tears, and she looked away, not wanting to seem weak. "I see him from time to time, with Si, or on the street, I always have to remind myself that I can't run to him..."

“I’m sorry, Lyddie,” Win murmured, gently turning her face back toward her, running her thumbs under her eyes to catch her tears. “That’s gotta be hard to see him, but not able to talk to him. Is there any way you can tell him the truth? Or would that mess with the timeline more?”

"The problem is my mum, if she found out she'd go mental. Curtis told me when she found out about Simon having powers in an alternative timeline she freaked out so bad, he had to move out." Lydia sighed and tried to put on a smile. "But it's okay, it's not the end of the world... Maybe one day."

“Ahhh,” Win said, frowning slightly, a thought coming to her. Maybe if there was a way they could get Lyddie’s mom out of the house and distract her, give Lydia some time to talk to her dad without her mom there... It was a thought, and she’d need to refine it first before she brought it up, but it was there. “Yeah, one day,” she agreed, brushing Lyddie’s hair from her face.

"So... how was it that you stole that guitar?" Lydia draped her arms around Win's neck and dragged her lips softly along her girlfriend's jaw. She needed a distraction to forget all that sadness and maybe help Win forget hers as well. "I'm asking for research purposes... obviously."

“What, you gunna become a thief too now, hmm?” Win asked, humming at Lydia’s touch.

"I don't plan on it," Lyddie purred, kissing and nipping at Win's neck. "I just can't stop imagining you doing it."

“Ohhhh, that’s right, you like bad girls,” she moaned, grinning, her hands sliding down Lyddie’s sides. “I only nicked it from the pawn shop while the guy’s back was turned.”

"That's really hot, but then again... anything you do is hot," Lydia's hands snaked under Win's hoodie. "The boys are asleep, what do you say we have some fun? Just the two of us?"

“Anything, huh?” Win mused, her breath catching as Lydia’s hands slid under her hoodie. “I say that sounds good she moaned, arching into her girlfriend’s touch. “You’ll hafta be quiet though, if you don’t wanna wake the boys.”

"That won't be a problem, my mouth will be busy," Lydia giggled before capturing Win's lips in a heated kiss while her hands still roamed the other woman's body. "I wanna taste you..."

“Oh, really?” Win purred, a pleased grin curling her lips as she kissed Lyddie back, slipping her tongue in the other woman’s mouth.

Lydia hummed in response, hooking Win's legs around her waist. "You're so sexy..." 

"Am I still dreamin' or is this really happenin'?"

Nathan's voice made Lydia nearly scream in surprise, then huff in frustration.

Win groaned softly, pressing her forehead to Lydia’s shoulder when the other woman turned toward the Nathan in the doorway. She wasn’t sure, but she had a feeling it the was the Nathan from Lydia’s dimension.

"Don't let me stop ya, I'm- I'm not even here!" Lyddie's Nathan sat down on the couch. "Go on..."

"Usually I have to shake you awake and today is the day you decide to wake up on your own?" Lydia whined. "Brilliant..."

Win snorted, turning Lydia’s face back to her, a strange excitement filling her at the thought of being watched. “You did say you’d let him watch,” she mused.

"Yeah... I suppose it's fair," Lydia felt a weird embarrassment — is that what people call stage fright? "So, where were we?" She grabbed a throw pillow for Win to lay on and crawled between her legs.

Win settled against the pillow, lifting her hips so Lyddie could pull her knickers down, desire pooling between her legs. Noticing the nervous look on her girlfriend’s face, Win held her gaze. 

“Just focus on me, Lyddie,” she purred, opening her legs wider. She knew that nervous feeling all too well from when Nathan had first suggested making their own videos, but she’d soon gotten over it, finding it more exciting than anything. “Are you gunna touch yourself while you watch?” she asked, lifting her head to address Nathan.

"Me? Oh, I mean, it'd be a waste if I didn't, don'tcha think? Such a nice view..." Nathan leaned back with one arm behind his head and Lydia took a deep breath, focusing on her girlfriend as she lowered herself to kiss Win's thighs teasingly. 

Nathan would never judge you or your technique, he loves you, she thought, he's enjoying it, there's nothing to worry about.

Win tried to bite back her pleased smile. Something about the thought of Lyddie’s Nathan getting off to them made her feel even hotter. 

“Mmm, Lyds,” she whined softly, twitching as she felt her lips on her sensitive thighs, feeling herself get even wetter with the anticipation. “Oh please, I want you so much babe. I want that beautiful mouth, please Lyddie,” she moaned, rolling her hips and stretching, slowly unzipping Nathan’s hoodie to bare her chest.

"You look adorable when you beg, Winnie," Lyddie felt a wave of confidence build up inside of her, her hands traveling to Win's chest, rolling her nipples slowly. Watching as her girlfriend squirmed, Lydia bit her lip, moving back to where Win wanted her the most. "This is what you want?" she flicked her tongue on her clit, giving it kitten licks, looking up to catch the reaction.

“Oh yes, God, your tongue feels like heaven,” she moaned, already forgetting about Nathan, Lydia drawing her attention completely. Jesus, but the way she was looking up at her like that from between her legs, it was too much. The subby little Lydia was nowhere to be seen, and Win felt her whole body flush at the confidence that radiated from her.

"You taste so good, baby... my candy girl.”  She dragged her tongue along Win's wet slit, tasting her arousal, which only made Lyddie even more eager to please her. 

Nathan watched agape from the couch, his hand already stroking his rapidly hardening cock. He wanted to let Lydia know how hot that was, but he feared that would only make her feel shy.

Win moaned louder, stretching one arm over her head as the other tangled in Lydia’s hair, catching sight of Nathan for a moment, his lips parted beautifully, the look of pure lust on his face as he stroked himself hot as hell. “Oh, please,” she murmured, squirming, desperate for more. “Bring me undone, Lollipop,” she begged, hoping it was alright to call her that. She wasn’t sure if that was a Nathan only pet name, but it felt so good to say it.

"Oh, Jesus..." Nathan twitched, clenching his eyes shut. It was so sexy when she said it. Lydia felt her own arousal coating the inside of her thighs, this was turning out to be way hotter than she expected.

Without even thinking about it, Lyddie slid two fingers inside of Win and curled them as her tongue kept teasing her partner's clit mercilessly.

“Oh!” Win cried softly, not ready to be filled by Lyddie’s fingers and clenching around them tightly. “Oh, just like that,” she gasped, chest heaving, her hand in Lydia’s hair tightening unconsciously. “Oh, I’m getting close!”

"Yeah? Come for me, baby, give it to me!" Lydia pumped her fingers in and out of Win as her tongue moved at a steady pace, intoxicated by the feeling of giving pleasure. Nathan felt himself getting closer as well, low grunts escaping his lips, his eyes glued to the girls.

“Ahh!” Win cried, tensing, her back arching as she pressed her cunt to Lydia’s face. “Oh God, Lyddie!” she keened, whining softly as her muscles twitched and jerked as she came against her girlfriend’s eager mouth, her eyes squeezing shut as her mouth fell open.

"Fuuuck," Nathan moaned as he came, rolling his head back. "That was so hot... Jesus..." 

"So," Lyddie gave Win one last lick before moving up to face her with a hopeful look. "How was that, baby?"

Win collapsed back against the floor, trying to catch her breath. “You have—no idea—how hot you are,” she gasped, pulling Lydia toward her for a kiss. “God, you’re amazing. I’m so spoiled,” she teased lightly.

"I like spoiling you," Lydia mused at Win's beautiful post-orgasm glow. "I love to hear you moaning for me." 

"Okay, that was... Holy shit," Nathan panted, throwing one hand in the air. "High five, Lollipop, you've got some skills!"

“I agree with Nathan,” Win said, pushing herself up to her elbows. “You’ve got mad skills, babe.”

"Seems like I might have to do it again when your Nathan is awake then... I think he deserves it too," Lydia chuckled before pressing her lips to Win's

Win kissed her back, relishing the taste of herself on her lips. “Mmm, I won’t argue with that,” she murmured, sitting up further to slip her fingers over Lydia’s rather soaked panties. “But what about you, hmm?  You must be awful turned on, babe.”

Simply the feather-like touch of Win's fingers made Lydia gasp softly as her entire body tensed up. "I am, would you like to take care of that for me, Winnie?" Lydia gave her girlfriend an innocent look. 

"I'll never watch a porno again... this is so much better!" Nathan laughed with amusement.

“Hey, where is everyo—?” Win’s Nathan’s question cut off as he stepped out of the bedroom. “I need t’stop sleepin’ in so late,” he muttered, his eyes going straight to Win and Lydia on the floor, Win’s chest still bare in naught but his open hoodie. “What I miss?” 

Win flushed sheepishly, burying her face in Lydia’s chest, hoping he wouldn’t be upset that they’d let him sleep through that.

"Y'missed round one, but round two is still on..." Lyddie's Nathan said as if they were watching a fight. Lydia tried not to laugh, she felt bad for Win's Nathan, but she would find a way to make it up to him. She shed her jumper and threw it across across room, hoping he would be able to enjoy himself at least a little bit…

“Aw man,” he muttered, plopping down on the other end of the couch. As strange as it sounded, he was curious to watch someone else pleasure his girlfriend for a change, wanting to really be able to focus on the faces she’d make or the way she sounded as she squirmed with pleasure. But this was just as good. 

Win promptly ran her palms up Lydia’s bare chest as she leaned in to kiss her neck roughly.

“You don’t happen to have a strap on do you Lyds?” she whispered in her ear.

"Actually, I don't, but I know where to get one..." Lydia raised her eyebrows and looked over at the pair of Nathans. "Which one of you would be so nice to make a strap on for us?" 

"I got it..." Lyddie's Nathan nodded. With a snap of his fingers the toy appeared in his other hand. "There ya go, love." 

"Is this your cock?" Lyddie analyzed the dildo carefully. 

"'Course it is! I know how much y'love the beast..."

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of that,” Win laughed, taking the toy from Lydia and standing to put it on, feeling both pairs of emerald eyes on her. “You like?” she asked, tilting her head with a smirk. For a moment she wondered if Lyddie’s Nathan had ever been pegged before.

Lyddie's Nathan uncomfortably looked away for a second, exchanging a look with his clone. He felt conflicted, because that was really sexy... 

"Mhmm..." he responded almost inaudibly. 

"You look so gorgeous like this," Lydia exclaimed, her chest heaving in anticipation.  She’d never done this before, but Win seemed quite experienced, so she felt safe.

Win noticed Lyddie’s Nathan’s hesitance and she had a feeling she had the answer to her question. But there had been a flash of want there. Her Nathan on the other hand smirked and nodded, eyeing her unabashedly. 

“Are y’nervous?” Win murmured as she gently pushed Lydia to her back and hovered over her, gripping the silicone cock to rub the tip teasingly along her glistening slit.

Lyddie's Nathan stared at the other one puzzled, why was he so comfortable with this? Had he...? Oh God. 

"A little, but I trust you," Lydia nearly whispered, letting her body relax, it couldn't be that different from any other cock, right? There was nothing to be scared of.

“Just let me know if you want me to slow down or go faster,” Win murmured, stealing a kiss before guiding the tip of the toy to her entrance and pushing into her slowly, letting her adjust. It had been too long since she’d fucked a girl like this, fuck but if it wasn’t turning her on again. 

Pulling out nearly all the way, she slid back in, slightly farther, working her way to sheathing the toy completely, her hips grinding against Lyddie’s pelvic floor, the edge of the strap rubbing deliciously against Win’s pussy. “Does that feel good?” she asked, holding in place, watching her girlfriend’s expression carefully.

"Yes!" Lydia moaned, throwing her arms around Win's shoulders as she felt herself deliciously stretching around the toy. "So good..." 

Lydia was wrong, it felt completely different from having sex with Nathan, but it was amazing. 

She fought the urge to shut her eyes, wanting to watch as Win thrusted into her. "Fuck me harder, Winnie, please..." Lyddie begged, bucking her hips.

“Sure thing, Lollipop,” she drawled, smirking as she thrust into her again, harder this time, her small tits bouncing as she found a rhythm, spurred on by the lovely sounds Lyddie was making.

"Wow, she's really goin' for it..." Lyddie's Nathan muttered under his breath, which was completely drowned by Lydia's whimpers.

"Oh, Win, right there! Don't stop, baby! I'm gonna... Oh fuck!" she watched Win hypnotized, her eyes, her tits, her hips, she didn't wanna miss a single detail.

“That’s right babe, I wanna hear you when you come. Be as loud as you want, love,” Win panted, not slowing, each rolling thrust only serving to send another jolt of pleasure through herself as well.

Lydia usually wasn't that loud, always scared to be heard, but something about the way Win said those words just made her want to be heard. "God, you're so fucking sexy!" she unapologetically shouted, letting her orgasm take over in what felt like an explosion inside of her. Lyddie's body relaxed, she collapsed still sighing Win's name like prayer.

Feeling her second orgasm from just the friction alone, Win shuddered as she thrust one last time into Lydia, nearly collapsing herself, feeling sweat roll down her face. “Oh, Lyddie, you did so well,” she murmured wearily. 

“Oh shit, that was hot,” Win’s Nathan groaned, quickly cleaning the sticky mess from his stomach.

"Come here," Lydia pulled Win closer, wanting to be held. "That was fucking incredible, you're you're good at this, lots of practice?" 

For once in his life Lyddie's Nathan was speechless, he didn't know to react, how to feel... Lyds would look good in one o'those, was all that went through his mind.

“Sort of,” Win answered, unbuckling the harness from her waist as she situated herself next to Lydia, wrapping her arms around her. “I’ve not used one on a girl in a while.”

"Oh..." Lydia understood immediately what that meant and giggled while hiding her face on Win's chest, thinking about it. 

"Um, okay, you guys hungry? I'm starvin'..." Lyddie's Nathan got up abruptly and left for the kitchen as quickly as he could.

Win watched him go, her stomach twisting with guilt. Had she said something wrong? Did she make him uncomfortable?

She nearly pushed herself up to go after him, but hesitated, unsure if that would even be helpful. Maybe Lyddie should be the one? Before she could make up her mind, it was her Nathan that pushed off the couch, stretching nonchalantly, though he flashed her a pointed look.

“Y’know, after that display I’m pretty hungry myself. You girls stay there, lookin’ pretty,” he said, following his clone out.

"Hey, man," Lyddie's Nathan tried to sound casual as he fixed himself a sandwich with whatever he could find in the fridge. "The girls are really goin' at it, aren't they?"

“Yeah, it’s definitely somethin’ else. I think we’re livin’ the dream, ain’t we?”

"Yeah, yeah..." he nodded trying to ignore the question lingering in his brain, but it was nearly impossible. "Did Win... Did she ever...?"

Nathan swallowed, clearing his throat. He had a feeling that was what was on his mind. “Uh, yeah... we, uhm...” he stopped to clear his throat again. As much as he found he enjoyed being pegged by his girlfriend, it was still something about himself he was getting used to. “It... it wasn’t exactly somethin’ I’d asked her to try, but she’d wanted to and... well would you be able t’say no t’her?” he demanded, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"I s'pose not... Lyds never brought that up, I just... It caught me by surprise, that's all. I never imagined myself doin' that."

Lyddie's Nathan felt a little lost hearing his clone talking about those things, because that meant he also had the potential to do the same. That scared him more than he'd care to admit. "But um... Is it good?" he said as quietly as he possibly could.

Win’s Nathan chuckled awkwardly. “I mean, I didn’t think it would be, but... yeah. I wouldn’t have let her do it more than once if it wasn’t,” he admitted, rolling his shoulders. “But hey, just cuz me an’ Win do a thing, doesn’t mean you and Lyddie hafta.”

"That's the thing, man... I know she'll want to, and that shit was really fuckin' hot, so I kinda..." Lyddie's Nathan stopped himself in the middle of the sentence, he wasn't ready to say it. He simply scrunched up his face, hoping his clone would understand, and why wouldn't he? They were the same person.

Win’s Nathan merely nodded, clapping his clone on the shoulder. “Yeah, I get it.” After a moment he looked thoughtful. “I could always ask Win t’give her some pointers, if y’want...” he offered with a shrug.

"I think she's askin' for it as we speak," Lyddie's Nathan chuckled, piling up the sandwiches on a plate, knowing the girls would be hungry as well. "Those two... Jesus."

“They’re certainly voracious,” Nathan agreed. Back in the other room, Win had moved her and Lyddie to the couch, the floor having gotten a little uncomfortable. “How you doing?” she asked, stroking her fingers through Lydia’s hair.

"Never been better," Lydia snuggled closer to Win. "You look so hot with that thing on. I kinda wanna try it one day..."

“I’d like that,” Win admitted, loving seeing her girlfriend be more dominant and confident. “I’m not sure, but I think your Nathan liked it too.”

"Yeah, he got a little flustered there... I should talk to him about it," Lydia mused, and then turned to very gently brush her lips on Win's. "But I might need to practice with you first."

“I like the sound of that,” Win replied, grinning against Lyddie’s lips. “Maybe sometime when we don’t have an audience,” she added wryly.

[lu-undy]

Chapter 101 - SBT

Here it is!

"Mon Dieu…"

"Yeah…"

Both were laying in bed like starfish on a beach, panting and catching their breaths. 

"You… Surpassed yourself… mon amour…"

"Did you-?"

"Oui…" Lucien put a hand on his chest to catch his breath. 

"You did…?"

"Oui…!" Lucien insisted. 

"You sure?" 

"Mundy…!"

"But I didn't touch you, I just-?" Mundy put his forearm on his sweaty brow. 

"I know…" Lucien closed his eyes. "I… know… I just… you were hitting the right spot, if you need… details…"

"I was…? I had no idea… God…" 

"Were my cries… moans… and whimpers… not enough?"

"You're usually… quite vocal…" Mundy answered.

"It is the first time… that this happens…" 

Mundy had grabbed his bottle of water from the night table and offered it to Lucien. They both pushed themselves to sit and took turns drinking. 

"Merci, mon amour."

[Thank you, my love.]

"Yeah, you’re welcome, Lu'."

They sank down in the sheets and naturally, Lucien laid his head on Mundy's shoulder. The Aussie wrapped an arm around him. 

"But really, you… did the thing without you or me touchin' you?" 

"Technically, you were touching me, just not with your hands and not where you are thinking." They exchanged a smile. 

"Guess so, yeah…" Mundy's hand stroked his lover. "Uh, did you feel it as strongly as when I do it… properly?"

"Even more so. The fact that you or I were not touching me made it stronger, more intense."

"Oh, ok."

"Don't worry, I shall reciprocate next time." 

They exchanged a smile.

"Can't wait. Speakin' of waiting, I hope I didn't make you wait too long at the restaurant."

"Long enough to be approached by another man."

"Seriously?!" 

"Is this jealousy I sense?" Lucien smiled. 

"What the hell does he think he's doin'? Did he annoy you? Why didn't you tell me while we were there, I'd have had a word or two with him…" Mundy tightened the hug, protectively.

"It is fine, I let him have his way and when he was deep enough in his own grave, I ended him."

"What? What's that mean?" 

"I flirted back with him until…"

"Until?"

"Until I resumed my normal voice. You should have seen his face, he was livid." 

"Pfff…" 

They both shared a laugh. 

"Still, next time, you tell me, alright?" 

"And what would you have done?" 

"Don't know… I'd have told him the truth, that you're mine, and no one comes near you." 

"Possessive?"

"Protective, and maybe a bit possessive…"

"Territorial, I like that in you, mon loup."

Lucien snuggled against his lover who combed his long hair with his fingers.

"May I ask, do you prefer me shaved?" 

"I don't mind. I like both. And it's not like you're super hairy otherwise."

"Yet I felt it, you made love to me differently tonight." 

"Hm… Yeah, felt different… Still does, I mean, look at you! Lost a few years without the beard and all, and those stockings… Gosh…!"

"Are you calling me old?" Lucien teased. 

"Nah… Vintage." Mundy tried to save himself.

"Vintage means old for clothes, Mundy…" 

"Yeah well… I'm not makin' it better, aren't I?" 

"Non." Lucien chimed with a smile. 

"And now you're gonna bully me ‘cause I said you're old, right?"

"Exactement."

[Exactly.]

"Well, fuck me then…" 

"I'd rather you did it to me, but not just now." 

"I didn't mean it literally!"

"Didn't you?" Lucien teased. 

"Pfff…" He laughed and kissed his lover's brow while holding him tight. "Love you, doll." 

"I like this new nickname." 

"What?" 

"Doll." Lucien answered, looking up at his lover. 

"It's usually a sheila's pet name."

"I don't mind, I like the sound and the connotations of it." 

"Really? Like bein' a doll, eh?" Mundy cupped Lucien's cheek.

"I like being yours, without a doubt." 

"Y'know what?"

"Pray tell." 

"The more I know you, the more I'm surprised how much you like bein' uh… like… not dominant."

"Oh?" 

"When I met you, you were so arrogant, so self-confident, so… argh! I'd never have imagined you could be that soft and all."

"Is that an issue?" 

"No, not at all, on the contrary. I love when you're bein' like that. Shows you trust me an awful lot." 

"I do." Lucien confirmed and as his head rose and fell to the rhythm of Mundy's breath, his eyelids felt heavier and heavier. 

"Lu'...?" 

"Mh?" 

"Thanks for tonight, everythin' was perfect, just like you." Lucien smiled with his eyes closed. Mundy looked down at the both of them. "You not gonna remove your stockings?"

"I am way too tired."

"And sore, eh?" 

"Non, actually…"

"Oh? Thought it'd be hurtin'."

"You went slowly enough and you had prepared me plenty, mon amour." 

"Well, gotta do that again then, and maybe we can go for round two next time…?" 

"Gladly." 

"You'd let me… do it twice?" 

"Mh-hm." 

"Should've met you when I was in my twenties…" Mundy said. 

"Mh?"

"Because I was unstoppable back then."

Lucien's eyes snapped open. 

"Are you saying that…?" He asked. 

"Yup. Literally had a bit of a reputation for it." 

"Quoi?" Lucien asked, surprised and Mundy chuckled with his low, gravelly laughter. 

"Used to be like that. It passed when I got older." 

"I should have met you when you were in your twenties then…"

"What?" Mundy asked and Lucien closed his eyes on his shoulder again. 

"I was the same…" 

"Seriously?"

"There are rumours, or rather legends about me."

"What do they say?" 

"That I have as many children as the number of women who laid eyes on me." 

"What?!" 

"Other less uhm… naturally gifted spies spread those words around. And instead of harming me, they made my fame and reputation." 

"Pfff…" Mundy chuckled. "I'm laughin' both for the story and for your voice."

"What about it?" 

"You sound sleepy as hell." 

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to shave everywhere and prepare myself? It was exhausting…" 

"Aw, poor you… C'mere, doll, gimme a good night kissy, eh?" 

Lucien raised his head with his eyes still closed and pushed his lips on Mundy's. 

"There, g'night, gorgeous." 

"Bonne nuit, mon loup." 

Mundy adjusted the cover on them both and closed his eyes. 

-- A few days later --

"That's very sweet of you, Mum, thanks." 

"Bah, anythin' to help you, Micky!"

They were both in the living-room, sitting side by side on the sofa. Perle was lying on Caroline's lap and Soot, on Mundy's. 

"Will he be much longer?" She asked. 

"Uh…" Mundy looked at his watch. "A couple of hours more."

"Ah, alright." 

"And you, Mum, how's it goin' with Dad? Is he alright?" 

Caroline's smile faded slowly as she put her cup of tea back on the coffee table. 

"He… We aren't in the best of terms at the moment." 

"What's happenin'?"

She sighed. 

"It's your father… When you told him about Lucien and you, he was quite upset. He stayed angry for a few days. Then he went to see Maurice. When he came back, he was just… empty."

"Empty?"

"Yeah, always looking at nothing, doesn't talk much. Sometimes I catch him just sitting on the couch and just… doing nothing. He's not watching the television or listening to the radio. He's just sitting there by himself, staring at nothing, thinking about God knows what…"

"Did you try and talk to him?" Mundy asked. 

"Yeah, asked him if he was alright. He always says he's fine and carries on."

"When did he go and see Maurice?"

"More than a week ago now."

"Crikey... And does he say anything when you come and visit here?" 

"Nope. Nothin'. Not even a 'hey' or a 'hello' when I come back. It's like he's living alone."

"Gosh… I-I'm sorry, Mum."

"What for?"

"It's all my fault and it falls on you again, although…" Caroline was about to answer when she got surprised by Mundy's sentence not ending there. "Even if I'm very sorry that it happens to you cause you got nothing to do with this, I… I'm not gonna change anythin'."

"What d'you mean?"

"I guess Dad expects me to go back and apologise and-"

"No, of course not."

"What?"

"You say that as if you did in the past, but it's not true, Micky. Remember when you used to go with the van, huntin' for days on end? Even if he yelled at you, you never stopped." 

"Doesn't mean I felt happy about how I got along with Dad because of it." 

"I know. But I don't think he is expectin' you to come back and apologise. Apologise for what? You're bein' a good boy…" She cupped his cheek and smiled, to which he grinned back. "And look at your smile… Y'know, I told your Dad about this."

"About what?"

"I never saw you smile half as much as I see you do now, since you're with Lucien." 

"Oh, really?" 

"Yeah! And the way you look at him all makes sense now."

"Mum…!" Mundy felt embarrassed, he lowered his head and hunched his back. 

"Nothin' to be ashamed of, I find you cute…!" Mundy blushed. "I know we never talked about boys or girls, but if you ever need to, I'm here for you." She patted his back. 

"Yeah… Thanks, Mum."

"How's it going for you and your Lu', eh? Guess it's going strong from that blush on your face…?"

"I-I don't know if I can say… It's uh… "

"Come on…!" She pushed.

"Hold on, before I answer you, is there anythin' I can do to help you, Mum?"

"With what?"

"With Dad."

Caroline sighed. 

"Nah, you did all you had to do. It's shakin' the old man but he gotta take it, eh."

"Thanks, Mum." He leaned to her and she wrapped an arm around him. 

"It's normal, Micky. It took me a bit of time to get used to myself, but hey, I did it. But tell me now, what's up with your Lu', eh?" 

"Mum, he's… fantastic. He's just… He's better than blokes in movies and all… He's the best thing to have ever happened in my life." Mundy sighed, lovestruck.

"Aww, Micky…" Caroline looked at her son, leaning his head on her shoulder, and smiled. "Never seen you like that, baby." 

"Cause I never felt like that…!"

"What did he do?" 

"He took me out, in the Maravilhoso, y'know, the Brazilian place in town."

"Oh, yeah, the one with the yellow flashy lights, yeah?"

"Yeah, that one." 

"So you got some dinner there?"

"We went separately and uh… Gosh, when I saw him, I… I fell in love with him all over again… I don't even know if that makes sense but I was feelin' like at the beginnin', y'know? Knees went to jelly, mouth was dry and weird. Couldn't speak properly."

"It does make a lot of sense, Micky. I felt that twice in my life."

"Oh, when?" 

"First, when your father accepted to take you in with me and raise you. The second time was when we changed our name, after the fire. I guess Maurice told you our new name, didn't he?"

"No, he didn't actually. Said I should ask you, back when I asked him."

Caroline smiled. 

"We sat with your father and took a long time to think. Maurice said to take something completely different from Turner, but also, something we'd recognise instantly. It'd be odd if someone called us by our names but none of us reacted, eh?"

"What did you go for in the end?" Mundy asked. 

Caroline grinned sweetly and raised her hazel eyes to her son.

"Mundee." 

Mundy's eyebrows jumped. 

"Really? Mundy?"

"Yeah, but spelt with double 'e' in the end, instead of 'y'." 

Mundy hugged his mother. 

"Guess you came up with the name, eh?" He asked.

"I think I did, I can't remember exactly now. But I remember that we both agreed without thinking. Anytime someone says 'Mr Mundee' or 'Mrs Mundee', I think of you and say a little prayer for you in my heart, baby." She hugged him back.

"Thank you so much…"

"Been missing you and your adorable smile, Micky. But I'm so happy now that you've found some peace." 

"Yeah, well… Doesn't seem fair. I get peace but Dad doesn't… By the way, why did he go and see Maurice? Was it just about Lu' and me?" 

"Nah, I'm pushin' him to change our name back to Turner. Feels weird not to have the same last name as you. Besides, that bad man's dead. Time for us to become Turners again. Also, we told the rest of the family that we uh… We actually were alive. We wanted to let them know and then maybe see them. It's a bit of a drive to go there, but it'd be nice to do it, at least for next Christmas, like we used to."

"How are they?" 

"They thought it was a bad prank and called the police on us…"

"You serious?" Mundy exclaimed.

"Yeah, and I understand. Imagine if I had called you to tell you the truth. You'd have picked up the phone and heard someone with your Dad's voice tellin' you we were alive. You'd have wondered who the hell is playin' a bad prank on you." She paused to catch her breath. "So I told your father to not call again, it was a bad idea to say such stuff not in person. But he insisted and called them again; got angry at them for not believin' him even. Next thing we knew, the police were knocking on the door. We explained everythin' and of course they didn't believe us. Took them days to come back to us and understand."

"Gosh… I'm sorry you had to go through all that mess. Your nerves are alright?" Mundy looked at his mother with worried eyes. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess it's their nerves that took a slap, eh? Thank you, sweetie, for worryin', but I'm fine. Since you came back and that awful man's dead, I feel much stronger."

"Good to hear. Although, I'd prefer it if Dad was feelin' alright too…" Mundy lowered his head.

"Hey, baby…" She put a hand on his shoulder. "Not your fault, nothin' you can do about it. Let the old man think. He loves you, in his own way. He needs to find his new place."

"His new place?" 

"It's like the news you told him took him outside of himself. He needs time to find a new balance, a new place in his own head to accept all this. It's takin' him a long time, but your old man hates to change his habits; always been like that." 

"D'you think he will one day?" 

Their eyes met. 

"I hope so. It's sad enough to see him wanderin' in his own head, his eyes tired and empty."

"I'm sorry, Mum." 

"Don't be. He was there for me when I was low and now, I am here for him when he is. That's the vows we took, all those years ago." She smiled at her son. "It's easy to love when everything's fine. You truly love someone when nothing's fine but you stick to them nonetheless." 

He grinned back. 

"I think you're right, Mum." 

"Of course I am!" 

They chuckled and the cats slipped out of their laps. They trotted to the door and meowed repeatedly. 

"Ah, that'd be Lu'."

A split second after, the sound of a key on a lock and soon, the door opened. 

"Meow! Meow! Meow!" 

"Bonjour, mes bébés…! Attendez, je veux rentrer, attendez…!" 

[Hello, my babies…! Wait, I need to come inside, hold on…!]

Lucien shut the door after him and knelt down for the cats to drown him in headbutts, slow blinks and purrs. He let them have their way with him and dealt kisses and scratches, left and right.

"Mundy? Mon amour? I am home!" He announced from the entrance and Mundy blushed at the pet name being used in front of his mother.

"Yeah, come in, Lu', Mum's here…!" 

Lucien removed his shoes and jacket before joining mother and son. 

"Bonjour, Caroline, my apologies, I did not know you were here." He extended a hand to her but she pulled him into a hug, which the Frenchman reciprocated. 

"Hey, Lu'..." 

"Mundy…" 

They played it safe with a hug and some hand holding, out of respect for Mundy's mother. 

"You sit here, Lu'," Caroline said. "I'll go and get you a cup to get some tea with us."

"Please, Caroline, I can go and-"

"Mum, I can-"

"Sit! The both of you be good boys now and listen, yeah? I'll go and get you a cup. You're home from work, you're tired. You have a minute or so, I'll be back." Caroline's assertive, motherly voice shut both the men up and she did what she just said. 

"Mon amour, ça va? How have you been?" Lucien whispered. 

[My love, how are you?]

"Yeah, alright. Mum's visited me like that, we didn't really organise anythin'. That's why I didn't tell you anythin', sorry, luv'." 

"Please…" Lucien put a hand on his cheek. "There is no harm done. I like your mother, she is lovely." 

"Thanks, luv'." 

"How is she?"

"She told me that -"

"Here we are, boys…! A nice cup for you, Lu'. Ya don't mind if I call you, Lu', do you?"

"Not at all, I am honoured." He answered with a smile and gently bowed as he accepted the cup of tea that Caroline was handing him. 

"Aw, such a good boy…" 

"I was just asking Mundy how you were." Lucien said as he took a sip. 

"Not too bad, yeah." 

"Caroline, if I may…" 

"Yeah?"

Lucien put the cup down on the coffee table. 

"Your beautiful eyes don't shine as I know them to shine."

"Ooh, flatterer!" Caroline blushed. 

"What is on your mind? Is it something that we can help with?" Lucien offered. 

"Not really… It's Mike, he's a bit stuck on that last chat you guys had."

"I am sorry to see that it affects not only him, but also your sleep." 

Her eyebrows jumped and she looked at Mundy with question marks in her eyes. 

"Ex-spy, Mum, he can read stuff like that on your face like it's written in French…!" Mundy answered.

"Well, that's a surprise…" Caroline said. "But yeah, Mike's low mood is gettin' to me a bit. Nothing you lovely boys can do, though. It'll pass, I don't imagine him bein' stuck like that forever."

"If we can do anything, please let us know." Lucien put his hand on hers, on her lap, and Perle jumped on the sofa to brush herself on her grandmother.

"Meow…" 

"Thank you, all of you but it's fine, I promise. It's just makin' him wonder about a lot of things. We gotta give him some time, is all." She concluded. "But what about you boys?" 

"As you wish." Lucien answered. "Mundy must have told you, not much has happened since the last time you graced us with your presence."

"Oh, no, on the contrary!" She answered and both Lucien and Mundy's eyebrows jumped. "Micky told me he fell in love with you again!"

"Mum!" Mundy blushed to his ears and Lucien smiled.

"Yeah, you did…!" Caroline carried Perle like a baby in her arms and went to the coat hanger. She freed the lady cat who nonetheless stuck to her and meowed repeatedly. "Now, I'd better go back to my old Mike. Don't like to leave him alone too long."

"But of course." Lucien and Mundy went to the entrance. Lucien gave Mundy his mother's jacket and gestured to him to help her wear it. 

"Oh, yeah, here Mum…" 

"Good boy… Now, you two behave, yeah?"

"Meow! Meow! Meow!" 

"You too, babies…" She bent down to scratch Perle and Soot who were rubbing themselves on her. 

"See ya, Mum, and you be careful out there, yeah?" 

"Yeah, and see ya, boys." She hugged them one by one and left. 

"Your mother is absolutely charming." 

"Oi, watch it… She's my mum, eh?" 

"Don't worry, it's the son who stole my heart." Lucien smiled and came closer to his lover, splaying his hands on his chest.

"Glad to know…" Mundy hugged his lover and his hands slid down on his back until they slid in his back pockets.

"I see someone has been missing me."

"Course, I have. Y'know, I was - oh?" 

Both froze for a second when they heard a screeching meow from upstairs. They let go of each other and towards where the sound had come from. Mundy arrived first and opened the door to the cat room.

“Oh, bugger…” He shut the door straight.

“What is it?!” Lucien wanted to push Mundy aside.

“N-no, not now, Lu’...!” Mundy blocked the door and the cat screeching resounded again.

“That was Perle crying! What is wrong with her?! Let me help her!”

“Lu’! No! There’s nothing wrong with her, she… Soot and her need a minute…”

“Why?! What is happening there?!”

“They…” Mundy took Lucien’s head between his palms and put his lips next to his ears. “We might be grandpas again…”

“Oh…”

[sxveme-2]

blueberry pancakes // bucky barnes

MASTERLIST

Description: A single mother. Juggling being a mom, a full time pediatrician, and a difficult ex who believed now would be the best time to finally be a father. A soldier ripped out of time. Ex-assassin turned superhero. Learning how to balance a new domestic life with handling demons of his past, while facing the trials of the future. a love story began over something as simple as chocolate chip pancakes with hidden blueberries.

Disclaimer: I do not own any original Marvel characters! All canon plots and canon characters belong to Marvel Comics and Marvel Studios. This is an original work. You may not publish it anywhere else

Status: Edited

Note: Takes place after endgame. I have elected to ignore Tony's death and Steve's leaving. Did not happen. Quick Reminder! My works are only published here, AO3 and on Wattpad, thank you.

Chapter Fifteen: The One Where There Might be a Future

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 3247

Lily didn't like the effect Bucky had on her sometimes. She wasn't sure if it was the way he was so good with Hunter, or how he was always so gentle with her. Or maybe it's whenever the two were alone he looked at her like she was the only girl in the world. Or perhaps it was the way his hands always lingered places for a second too long to go unnoticed. She couldn't place it. But if anyone asked how she felt about the boy, she brushed it off. They were simply friends. Nothing more. The kiss they shared in the kitchen didn't get spoken about, and the two never felt a shred of awkwardness over the following few weeks.

But it didn't help that his lingering looks and her soft touches didn't go unnoticed by those around them for very long. Lily had found herself living every teenage girl’s dream. She became friends with the freaking Avengers. It didn't help that her sister had begun to get all friendly with Mr. Sam Wilson, either. She wasn't sure if it was because of her lack of love from her ex, or the need for a rebound. But Lily would be there to support her along the way, no matter what form her heartbreak and hormones took.

And although things were great in Lily's social department, the legality of her divorce had become messy. It had been a month since the incident where Cedar supposedly attempted to break into her ex-husband’s house, leaving Lily with the entire month of October being filled with legal battles and a complete rewrite of the separation agreement. All while the police continued to question her younger brother. She wanted to keep that part of the issue secret from Hunter, for the little boy looked up to his uncle as though he were one of the superheroes on the boy’s wall. And Lily did truly believe her brother was not behind this, that something must have happened to him. She knew Cedar, he wouldn't have done this.

However, to distract herself, Lily decided to hand-make her and Hunter's costume for the holiday quickly approaching. As well as busying herself with shopping for Hunter's birthday, which was just a week after Halloween. however, in proper Rose and Gen fashion, they had other plans for the candy-filled day.

"I am not going to a Halloween party with the Avengers!" Lily exclaimed as she spun around from her sewing machine, arms crossed, "And I am not matching with Bucky."

"Come on Lily!" Rose whined, grabbing her sister’s hand, "You've been stressed to the high heavens all month! With finally being granted full custody, as well as this Cedar thing? You deserve to go out and have some fun."

"And Bucky tells us he's had to make you dinner every night when he comes over. And don't act surprised that we know- you send Rose out every Thursday and Saturday. We're not stupid." Gen countered, raising her finger to Lily.

"He talks too much," Lily mumbled, "But I wouldn't be able to anyway! Hunter and I have traditions to keep up. We match costumes, then go out trick or treating, then come home, watch Halloweentown and then go to bed." she stated, stealing her hand back from her sister, "plus Rose, you're pregnant!"

Lily furrowed her eyebrows as she watched her sister and best friend share a look. One that the mother knew all too well. They had planned something. And what that was? Well, Lily didn't know. All she knew is that she wouldn't like it. She never enjoyed their plans. The last time she went through with one, she ended up racing home and having to take her husband to court because of the neglect of their child. Plus, she'd much prefer to stay home and spend time with her son. After the month she had, she just wanted a night in with the two of them.

"We figured you'd say no..." Rose began, flicking her hazel eyes to Gen.

"...So we came up with a backup plan. That was actually, Hunter's idea." Gen smiled softly, offering her hand to her best friend, "Come with us and he'll explain."

Lily cocked her eyebrow at the two of them. Standing, the blonde laced her hand into Gen's and was soon led out into her own living room where Hunter sat on the floor with Joey watching national geographic. Lily smiled softly at the boy before she was essentially forced into sitting on their sofa, with both Rose and Gen coaxing Hunter to explain whatever they had decided to try and convince Lily on.

"Mum, what if Mr. Barnes joined us for Halloween this year?" the boy commented, turning off the television and turning towards his mother.

Lily was taken aback by her son’s bold offer. Glancing back and forth at the two women on either side of her, only to be greeted with raised hands of innocence. Moving onto the floor, Lily took her son’s hands into her own, searching his face for any sort of blackmail being used by the two girls behind her. But he seemed genuine. She knew this because there was a rosy hue to his cheeks, meaning he was even embarrassed to ask her something like that.

"Are you sure, Hunt? It's always just been us on Halloween." Lily hummed, running a thumb across the boy’s cheek.

"Mum if I didn't want to I wouldn't have asked. I like Mr. Barnes. He's fun." Hunter stated simply, tilting his head into his mother’s touch.

"If that's what you want buddy, then sure. We can have Bucky here for Halloween." Lily agreed, ruffling the boy’s hair before standing up and turning towards her sister and best friend, "I'm guessing you already asked him?"

When the two gave energetic nods, the young mother shook her head with a laugh, making her way back out towards her office to finish the costumes.

-----

Lily still lived in the real world. And held a full-time job. As did Rose and Gen. Which meant, there was no one to watch Hunter on the actual day of Halloween while Lily worked. well, that's what she thought at first. But of course, who were Rose and Gen to let anything peaceful happen in the life of their best friend and sister. Though Lily was far from bold enough to make such a request, she didn't have much of a choice. Plus, he was already spending the evening with them. Lily still hadn't enough trust in babysitters, despite having a plethora of neighbours whom she did trust...she just trusted him a bit more.

"Thank you for coming on short notice." the blonde sighed softly as she opened up the door to her house, "Gen has a meeting today and Rose is in upper manhattan, so neither were available."

"It's no issue, Lily," Bucky's gruff morning tone cooed as he took a step into the house, "I like the kid, no stress. Sam and Steve may swing by around noon, mind if I bring Hunt with us out for some lunch?"

"That would be amazing, Buck." she hummed, not even giving the nickname a second thought, though her cheeks did subconsciously heat up, "Here." the blonde smiled, digging her hands into her purse, only to have his flesh hand rest on the arm of her thin white cardigan.

"No need. It's my treat." the man smiled, his hand lingering across her wrist before he pulled it away.

The way that he looked at her made Lily's heart skip a beat. His steel-blue eyes pouring into the mossy green of her own. All of the air in the foyer seemed to be sucked out, as though the world paused around her. Neither moved, and the world melted away. It was Hunter who had managed to snap the two out of it. The sound of a glass breaking against hardwood made Lily jump, her hand resting above the pale purple scrubs she wore, gripping her name tag.

Glancing at her watch, Lily sighed, dropping her bag, "I'll go clean that up then head to wo- "

"Let me." Bucky hummed, picking the woman's bag back up, "You head into work. I'll take care of the kid and the mess, I promise."

With one more glance towards the kitchen, Lily nodded slowly before bidding her goodbyes. When she got into the car in her driveway, the blonde let out a deep sigh. Her eyes glanced up to the door of the place she called home for a few years now. She spotted Bucky and Hunter standing in the doorframe, Hunter still in his pyjamas with a new cup of orange juice in his hand. Bucky's hand placed securely on the boy’s shoulder. The picture warmed Lily's heart, and she found her mind wandering ever so slightly.

The same scene, but with Lily standing there. A baby in her arms as Bucky placed a kiss on her temple. Hunter, aged up a few years with Joey by his side. But this image found itself framed, upon the wall of a different home.

Chiding herself, Lily shook her head, reversing from out front of the home. Away from the moment that made her heart swell.

-----

Another day, Another pay. Don't be mistaken, Lily loved her job. She adored being able to spend the day with children and make them feel better. But today was a rough one. Lily had a patient come in with severe symptoms. It broke Lily's heart. He looked around the same age as her son, and that was what she always found most difficult. Seeing the children that were experiencing the same sort of year as her son. Just turning twelve or not even quite there yet. It broke her heart, really.

Pushing the door open to her quaint home, Lily perked an eyebrow up at the smell of something sweet. That of a certain morning breakfast that seemed to be a reoccurring theme in the most recent months of Lily's life. A small smile spread across her lips as she placed her work bag down onto the front bench, kicking off her shoes before passing the stairs and through the hall back to the kitchen where she ducked around the corner, leaning on the wall.

"Well now what do we have here?" she chuckled, catching the two boy's attention.

Sliding her phone from her pocket, the blonde snapped a photo of the mess of a kitchen the two had made. Both had flour on their face, and the mother of the younger boy giggled. The number of blueberries that were on the floor, or should she say, making their way into Joey's stomach, was more than she saw in the bit of batter the two had made.

"We wanted to surprise you." Hunter grinned brightly, lifting his hands in a stance of innocence, "It was Bucky's idea!"

"Hey-! Way to through me under the bus buddy." the taller man laughed, hands dropping to tickle at the blonde boy's sides.

Lily shook her head with a hearty chuckle escaping her lips. Running a hand through her golden strands, the young mom sauntered forward and pressed a kiss to Hunter's head, before giving Bucky a soft glance. Shrugging off her cardigan, the doctor sent a teasing eyebrow raise to the two boys. Tossing the piece of fabric across one of the chairs at the table, the blonde shooed both away from the counter.

"Before you blow up my kitchen," she quipped, "Allow me to take over."

One brand new batch of batter and a new pack of blueberries later, Lily placed a large stack of fluffy pancakes atop the refurnished birch table that Bucky and Hunter sat at. Placing her hands on her waist, Lily merely smirked and shrugged the entire event off as though it were nothing. The main thing that made her happy on the inside, however, was watching the two dig into the golden brown delicacies she had made moments ago.

"Sit and eat, Lil. They're amazing," said Bucky, a mouthful of blueberry pancake muffling most of his words.

"Alright alright. Then we have to get ready to go out. don't want it to be too dark." Lily chuckled, pulling out a chair next to Bucky.

With dishes and the kitchen cleaned, the trio found themselves all dressed and ready to go for the Halloween festivities taking place outside of the home. Kids were already knocking on doors and stuffing their faces with candy. While Hunter was still trying to get the bandana we wore to properly stay on his head, or actually tie it. Hunter and Lily had already planned on taking on Halloween dressed as pirates, and Bucky just happened to have the proper rugged look for it.

Lily herself, well she wore quite the getup. The ripped fabric of white, burgundy, and plaid making up a skirt that hugged her waist. A white peasant blouse that hugged off of her shoulders sat underneath a black leather corset vest that dipped just below her chest. A pirate hat with gold trim and a peacock feather sat atop gentle blonde curls. Suede boots hit just below her knee with fishnet tights underneath. Bucky wore a fairly standard get-up, simple black pants with a loose cream-coloured top underneath a suede vest and taller boots.

"Mum I can't get my bandana tied!" Hunter sighed, dropping his hands against his own dark pants, "Can you do it?"

Lily grinned and made her way over to the boy, doing up the piece of fabric before handing him a pillowcase for the candy he'd be collecting. Turning to glance over her shoulder, the blonde caught the eyes of Bucky. His eyes were already glued to her, and the way they moved up and down her made a bright red flush fill the girl’s pale cheeks. She pursed her lips and let her hands fall to Hunter's shoulders, her eyes unwavering from those cool blue ones of Buckys.

"If you two are done staring into each other’s eyes," Hunter quipped, "I have candy to collect."

"Hunter!" Lily exclaimed, looking down at her boy.

"Yeah doll," Bucky winked, "Keep focused. The kid's gotta get his candy."

Lily watched in shock as the two walked out the door, leaving the blonde dumbfounded as she hooked Joey's leash onto his collar. Rolling her eyes, the blonde followed behind, shaking her head until she caught up to the two.

-----

"I didn't mean to make the kid freak out!" Bucky laughed as the three re-entered the house, "It's not like I'm in a mask! Plus the arm doesn't help give away who I am."

"Oh, please you totally knew he recognized you!" Lily retorted, unhooking Joey, "You kept rolling your sleeve up whenever we saw him!"

"I'm with mom on this one." Hunter commented, dumping the large stash of candy he had collected into the middle of the living room floor, "I think you liked seeing Kellin dressed as you, Bucky." he chuckled, sorting through the pile.

"Well obviously!" the man chuckled, sliding his vest off, "I think what shocked me most was the number of people dressed up like Sam. We can keep the information here. It'll only make his head inflate even more."

The trio continued the night, laughing, eating candy, and watching the iconic Halloweentown. At around ten-thirty, Lily put the young boy to bed, leaving her alone with the ex-assassin that was sitting in her living room. Which she didn't mind, she'd begun to see yet another new side to Bucky. One that made her realize just how much the man yearned for the security and domesticity of a family. And how Lily wished to give that to him. To lay that troubled mind of his to rest at last, and allow him the peace and tranquillity of a modern day family. And for a while, she believed the two had that. That night. He now changed into a t-shirt and sweats he had left at the house last time, Lily in a pair of baby blue plaid pyjama pants and an oversized white sweater. Both sipping lightly on coffee while they sat across from one another, legs touching.

"You've got something good going here, doll." the man hummed, eyes averting towards the fire at the other side of the room, "Back in the ‘40s this is something I believed I'd have one day."

Lily watched the man with a soft expression. The way his eyes seemed to cloud with troubles when he began talking. It broke her heart, knowing that this sweet and gentle man had been through more than Lily could ever fathom. He had murders attached to his name, yet he petted Joey like he would break the dog, and acted as though Hunter was the most precious thing in the world. And when he would touch Lily, her hand, her wrist, it was though she were made of glass. He was sensitive, and Lily's heart grew ten sizes whenever she saw him allow his guard down, even for a split second. Allowing her to peak into that complex mind of his.

"Why can't you have it now?" Lily questioned, "Find a nice girl. Settle down somewhere quiet. Have a family. Why is it so different now?"

The man turned his attention back to that of the woman sat beside him, "That wouldn't be fair to them. The kids...if I had them. The past I have would follow them everywhere, they'd learn about what I did in class. I was a monster, Lily."

Setting her mug to the side, Lily moved a bit closer to the taller man. She took his coffee from his hands and placed it to the side. She wasn't sure what came over her. Her mind believed it to be that of her having such a lovely night with him. Watching him with Hunter. Seeing the way he would look at her. She wasn't sure. She just knew he felt something back towards her. Maybe the kiss they shared was what drove her, but she just knew this was her window.

So she took his face in her hands, "Buck you had no choice. And now? You're one of the most loved heroes. You beat the darkness. I give stickers out of you at work now!" she chuckled, running a careful thumb across his jawline, "I know if I was the girl you settled with, there would be no fear of having a family."

Bucky looked at the girl with a tender look in his steel eyes. His hand reached up and tucked a stray hair of blonde hair behind her ear, moving forward. The air in the room grew thick and a sense of anxiety washed over Lily. She watched intently as he continued his advance forward. Before she could comprehend it, the two shared their second kiss. This one was different though. There was something new behind it. Lily couldn't put her finger on it. But they didn't break apart, no, they moulded together and paused for air every so often. Lily tangled her fingers in the man’s long brown hair, tugging gently.

But a knock at the door interrupted them.

"We'll talk about what you said tomorrow, okay doll?" Bucky cooed, running a thumb across the girl’s cheekbone, "You stay here. I'll grab the door."

Well, that was how Bucky Barnes met Lily Osborne's parents.

[filmmakerdreamst]

‘Boy Meets World’ Re-watch (as an Adult)

‘Girl Meets World’ doesn’t count as a sequel. Not because of the writing/tonal choices but because in the original show - despite continuity issues - the characters felt like real people e.g. the way they spoke/acted/dressed was the way people behaved in the 90s where as in the spin off, they were Disney characters e.g. hyper versions of themselves especially Cory and Eric. And the transition between both shows didn’t come naturally. It’s not an objectivity badly written show but it was pretty much a re-do of the old show with the same storylines/tropes without continuing the story. (I say the same thing about ‘The Incredibles’. vs ‘Incredibles 2’.) Also there were too many cooks in the kitchen pushing one way or another. You could see Micheal Jacobs style, all the aspects were there, but he was also creating a ‘DISNEY’ show at the same time. I don’t know about you but the one message I took from the original show was ‘finding out that life cannot be packenged into a lovely little present ’ which kind of contradicts everything that the new show is. If anything GMW is an AU universe (and it really felt like that, rewatching it right after BMW e.g. it felt flipped) almost like Disney’s version of ‘what happened next?’ The primal difference between both shows is BMW is portraying what is real and GMW is based on what is real.

Going off my point, I will however be always thankful that it exists because I probably wouldn’t of found out about ‘Boy Meets World’ otherwise. Although saying that, I never thought that the original show needed a continuation of any kind (a lot of things make sense about the spin off if you acknowledge that Disney requested it - I think it would of been much better off on its original platform) ‘Boy Meets World’ was very much a product of its time i.e. when tv shows were still relevetivley new and had no rules - like there is stuff in there that not even adult shows today have. Plus there was something about it that felt very personal (such as the characters and setting) as if the creator based it on his own childhood growing up and I think that was part of its charm and why it had such a big effect on pop culture - I’m not so sure you can repeat that.

BMW is big on meta I’ll tell you that. I love how it’s so aware of itself. The amount of depth that it has never ceases to amaze me. It’s whole universe is so dense and huge. Every quote/storyline is so unique it sticks in your brain forever. (I swear the humour got more and more deranged every season). The show was also incredibly queer and progressive.  It didn’t give a crap about sexuality. Much more than I remember. Proof to never use ‘but it was made in the 90s’ excuse.        

I loved how the show kept reinventing itself every season as Cory grew up so you really felt you were growing up with him and all the characters. The Character Development on this show was so natural/authentic. Every single character got a chance to shine. No one changed their look in one episode and no one had an intervention every time someone had an identity crisis (GMW) My favourite development was Shawn Hunter. He went from a cool kid to a ladies man to a poetic soul. It was so satisfying to watch.

I realised that Cory Matthews is actually my favourite character (before it was Eric or Shawn) I already have a special soft spot for ‘annoying’ characters because they tend to be the most memorable/real. For example, Karma Ashcroft from ‘Faking it’ was my babe while everyone was hating on her. I really related to his anxiety/self hatred about being average and I loved that he constantly made mistakes. It was very refreshing. He’s also incredibly queer-coded. I found that alot of his mannerisms make sense if you see him with extreme compulsory heterosexuality (because identity’s such as bisexual or gay couldn’t exist normally in the 90s) There are moments in the show where he literally mimics his best friend’s behaviour around girls e.g. when the class pretty much gets brainwashed by the sex ed video in ‘Boy Meets Girl’ Shawn gets asked out by a girl, making Cory jealous - which pushes him to ask out Topanga.

It’s funny how a few years of life experience can change perspectives completely because when I was sixteen (aka the same age as Cory and Topanga) watching BMW for the first time, I was mad at Amy for ‘not understanding that they were in love’ (in ‘A Walk to Pittsburg’) but now that I’m older I’m actually agreeing with her. Yeah, what do they know about love? Because all season long they were acting quite superficially.

Cory and Topanga became somewhat of a toxic couple in seasons 5 -7. Reminded me of my parents relationship because my mum gave up her chosen university to be closer to my dad and they aren’t together any more. Topanga’s love for Cory was very conditional and Cory cheated on her multiple times/openly begged for sex  (Again like my parents) And you should never be in a relationship with someone who makes you say “You make me think not so very much of myself” There are arguably much more signs of emotional abuse than love in their relationship especially from Topanga’s side. Plus their story was altered so many times to give it more basis (they retconned Shawn and Cory’s friendship to do this) I could write an essay on how Kevin and Winnie’s love story on ‘The Wonder Years’ is much more believable because it actually addresses how toxic it was and they grow apart in the end. If GMW was a realistic continuation, they would be divorced with a little girl - leave them in the 90s where they belong.

Alan and Amy were couple goals! Cory and Topanga wish that they could have what they have. Literally the definition of ‘a healthy relationship on tv that keeps thriving and over coming obstacles without big drama’. Best TV parents ever.

I loved the Matthews family; how they all had individual arcs and developments of their own. One of my favourite arcs was in season 5, when Eric and Cory were both jealous of what they ‘didn’t have’ with their dad, so Alan made an effort to give them both that they needed. Honestly, I had never seen so much healthy communication on TV before. Alan is the best father around. His whole personal arc of giving up managing a supermarket because he wasn’t passsionate about it anymore and buying a mountain store was so inspired. I found it funny that the family had more of a relationship with Shawn than Topanga.

Shawn Hunter never caught a break. It got a bit tiring. He was never allowed to be happy for five minutes. Every time he laughed or smiled, 5 years were added onto my lifespan. Why didn’t Johnathan Turner adopt him? I loved their dynamic. Why did he let him go back to his abusive father who just dumped him anyway?

Jack and Shawn’s complicated dynamic was possibly the most unique/interesting arc of the entire show and no one talks about it. I don’t care what y’all say - despite them being very different, Jack was the only one who fully took care of Shawn without second thoughts (Turner and the Matthews family had doubts)

I liked Shawn and Angela. I thought they were much better suited than Cory and Topanga. I honestly wouldn’t of minded if they ended up together even though I always had a feeling they wouldn’t. (Like I’m glad she went with her dad in the end) And considering how important they were as a interracial couple in the 90s, GMW handled that very poorly.

Shawn and Cory should of ended up together. And before you come at me with ‘it’s important to have m/m friendships without toxic masculinity’ (which is an important arguement to have) - yeah no shit there’s an entire Industry based around that/pitting women against each other. While it is important to have those friendships between men that are close and even intimate (take Chandler and Joey, Schmidt and Nick, Isak and Jonas and Jake and Charles for example) there was also another layer to their relationship which the narrative played off sometimes as them “going out” or “in love”.  I actually recently found out that a writer - who came into the show in season 3 - confirmed that she wrote gay undertones into their relationship on purpose ‘In my opinion as a writer, they thought they were “straight”, they both didn’t realise or understand their feelings for eachother’ but couldn’t deliever because the producers wanted to keep the show “kid friendly”. Kind of like Xena and Gabby. I know people prefer Jack & Eric (I love them as well) but everything got ruined for me as soon as they introduced the ‘love triangle’ and I always tend to prefer emotional tension over sexual. They were just so unconditional with each other/ their friendship was so good and healthy and now I’m so bitter that it never happened.

I never understood why Shawn and Cory had to stop being best friends after he got married. He’s not Topanga’s property. I always hated how Topanga tried to interrupt/interfere with their dynamic — although now I realise it was because the two of them purposely left her out. Looking back at it, If it really was just a intimate friendship then why would she get so easily jealous if she didn’t sense there was something else deeper going on? You should never marry someone who puts you second.

I didn’t like Topanga when she was with Cory (or vice versa) Especially after they got married. She was a great character on her own. Feminist before her time. Hermione Granger before her time. I always felt she deserved a lot better than him in a way e.g. if someone I considered a friend speard a rumour around high school that we slept together - I would never speak to that person again. SHE SHOULD OF GONE TO YALE GOD DAMN IT. And as someone pointed out the other day, if the roles were reversed some of the stuff she does or says to Cory would be considered domestic violence. ‘She’s always blaming Cory on shit that isn't even his fault or makes him feel bad or shuts down his emotions and turns it around so he's comforting her instead.’ There was even a moment in GMW (not that I consider that show a continuation) where she locks him out the house for a few days after he insulted her chicken, and his son Auggie had to bring him spaghetti. If Cory was a woman, that would not be played off as a joke - that would be considered abuse. They were however a better couple in GMW ironically.

Angela Moore is now one of my favourite characters on BMW. She was beautiful. Her friendship with Rachel (and Topanga) was the best. And I frickin’ loved her and Cory’s friendship development - when they could of easily not played into that. I hate that she got villiaized in GMW.

My favourite seasons are 4, 5 & 1. My least favourites are 3 & 2 & 7. And even then the show was still pretty darn good.

The back and fourth clash between Turner and Mr Feeny in season 2 was very entertaining.

Mr Feeny and Eric are my favourite relationship on ‘Boy Meets World’. I love how Eric was the only person that Feeny directly told that he loved him. Also, why didn’t Eric become the new Mr Feeny? He showed more traits of becoming a teacher in the show than Cory did.

Eric and Tommy was probably the most heartbreaking plot line in season 6. (That season was an emotional train wreck) I cried for a fourth time. The world doesn’t deserve him.

I loved the development of Shawn and Topanga’s friendship. Even though there was a silent competition over Cory, they eventually became good friends. I found out that the song ‘She will be loved’ was inspired by them which is awesome but it’s also proof that people ship for less if it’s an m/f dynamic - just sayin’. I however see a more convincing potiental romance with the two of them than Cory and Topanga sometimes.

On Cory and Topanga again - they weren’t a bad couple overall. I liked them in s1 - 3. They had some great moments. But upon my rewatch (getting out of that 90s idealised headspace) I found them to be too similar at times - chafing as another person put it - to the point where they cancel each other out. A lot of people pointed out that Riley and Maya paralleled them and I was thinking “That’s not nesserily a good thing.”

‘Dream. Try. Do good.’ is on my mantelpiece.

[mustardyellowanti]

I.

Sebastian Oh Summer // Before Senior 

“Safe to say I think you have everyone else’s birthday present beat,” Finley commented, eyes glancing up to see Sebastian through the rearview mirror. Sebastian hummed pulling his earpods out, the low rumbled of one Anto’s favourite songs leaving his ears. She had decided to diversify Sebastian playlist with all her favourite songs and while Sebastian understood next to none of what was been said it was an easy listen. He glanced up at the elderly driver, Finley had been in his family for years, and over time he became more than just a simple chauffeur. He had been working for his mother since she in her late teens and now on the eve of her 45th birthday remained a trusted confidant to his mother and admittedly Sebastian.

“I don’t know if you asked certain people my presence is not a present at all,” Sebastian commented with a sigh looking out the window. While he had no issues about celebrating his mother’s birthday, he was unashamedly a mothers boy, but dealing with the rest of his family was never high on his to-do list. The rest of his mother’s family, the Vanderbilts, American royalty at its best were divided into blindly hating him because he was the heir apparent and the others sucked up to him for the exact same reason. Then there was his father and brothers, while there was no doubt his father was head over heels in love with his mother, his father didn’t share that same love for the fruits of their love. Sebastian’s father was all too happy to pretend Sebastian did not exist. His brothers weren’t too different, indifferent, borderline hateful of Sebastian all because he got everything they wanted without even trying.

“Who cares what certain people think?” Finley huffed, “No of them matter in the grand scheme of things, do they? You are coming back to surprise your mum and I know for a fact that she would be ecstatic that you here, probably going to end up crying when you step in the house,” he said. “Happy tears of course,” he tacked in causing Sebastian’s lip to quirk up in a small smile.

“As long as they are happy tears I guess I can handle the rest,” Sebastian said with a shrug. He was trying to come across as carefree as possible, fall back into the normal arrogance and aloofness he usually had but the growing pit in his stomach was hard to ignore and as they got closer and closer to the Hamptons.

“Of course you can,” Finley hummed. “Though once the tears are over your mum is going to be in full fret over Sebastian mode and then ofcourse its going to be a whole lot of people asking if you met their oh so wonderful daughter,” Finley said sounding far too amused. “Such a hard life you got there,” he teased. “I would offer my daughter but she has been married for the past 15 years, maybe granddaughter Lily,” he laughed.

“The five-year-old?” Seb laughed, “Well she might be more interesting than half the people at this party but I’ve got what another 20 years before I start dating girls half my age right?” he mocked. The men in this world are known for throwing their wealth around at younger women desperate enough to do anything to get ahead in life. He couldn’t fault the woman, if a man as rich as some of those men were and were dumb enough to get scammed then shame on them.

“Oh so you heard about Mister Langford, just turned sixty and his new wife turned 22 – “ Finley teased. “Lovely wedding, his kids looked like they really enjoyed it,” he laughed. “They were so in love with each other they forget to sign a prenup,” he added. Sebastian smirked he couldn’t only imagine how the Langford children would have reacted to that news. A murder was certainly on the cards, whether it be the kids getting rid of the 22-year-old obstacle or the 22-year-old obstacle getting rid of the old man who thought a little too highly of himself.

“Finn I am trusting you to off me before I ever end up like that,” Sebastian commented shaking his head. “Just make it look like an accident,” he said.

Finley snorted. “By the time you are at that age I am pretty sure I will be six feet under,” he said.

“What? No, you are a young lad,” Sebastian said biting back a smile at the way Finley rolled his eyes. “Besides you are like immortal anyway,” he continued.

“What? Who told you?” Finley said dramatically. “You can’t be telling rich old men that I found the secret to living forever they’d skin me on sight,” he joked. Sebastian snorted but dragged a finger across his lips to show his lips were sealed.

Silence fell over them once again, they were getting closer to the Hampton home. They were already on billionaire row, they’d be there in a few seconds. “You’ll be fine kid,” Finley spoke, Sebastian sat straight up straighter. He wasn’t a kid anymore and he highly doubted that he would be fine. “Don’t let them spoil your time here,” he said. “The last thing we need is them scaring you off, boy if you heard all the rants from your mother about you never been here –“ Finley shook his head.

“And here I thought you actually missed my company,” Sebastian teased. Finley’s lips quirked up into a smile.

  Sebastian sucked in a deep breath as he stepped into his parent’s Hampton home, while his Grandfather’s home was the classic Hampton house, his parents were more modern in design. To some people it was considered modest, Sebastian knew he could be a bit insensitive to those who didn’t have the same level of wealth as him but even he knew an 11,000 square foot home on roughly 3 acres of beachfront was not modest by any standard.

“Did you forget something, Irene? I gave you the night off,” Sebastian heard his mother call out, Irene was her assistant/house helper. She had always kept the families staff to a minimum believing it was better if people knew how to do the basics their selves. “Did Jac-“ his mother said stepping into the corridor turning to see Sebastian and freezing, maybe Finley had got it wrong, that didn’t seem like a happy reaction. Maybe he stayed away a little too long and somehow managed to alienate the one family member that actually loved him.

“Hi,” Sebastian waved awkwardly his voice croaking slightly as he spoke.

The noise that left his mother’s mouth could only be described as inhuman, she ran down the hall to where Sebastian stood pulling him into a hug. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? How did I not you were coming? What happened to your trip with Theo? Is he okay? Is he here too? How did you get here? Oh my gosh,” she said frantically causing Sebastian to chuckle. “It’s so good to see you,” she whimpered burying her head into his shoulder. “Ugh when did you get so tall,” she said hitting his chest.

“Taller than you? Sometime after my tenth birthday,” Sebastian joked as his mother pulled back, “And I wouldn’t miss your birthday,” he said. “I know I am not –“

“Shhhh I know you are going to say some sort of nonsense so just stop,” his mother said quickly, eyes narrowing. “There will be no self-deprecating in the house thank you very much,” she said pointedly. “Now let’s get a drink and you can tell all about how you managed to keep this a secret from me,” she said grabbing his hand and dragging him to the kitchen area.

“Hmm,” she said grabbing two glass flutes before looking back at Sebastian. “I guess since it’s my birthday, letting you having a glass of champagne wouldn’t be considered bad parenting,” she hummed.

“What happened to no self-deprecating, it hasn’t even been five minutes mother,” Sebastian teased. “And you’ve changed the marble benches,” Sebastian commented running his hand among the new, well new to him, Granite countertops.

“Yes, the marble had to go, to easy to stain,” His mother waved a hand dismissively. “The amount of time someone has knocked their glass of wine over,” she tsked. “Anyway, that is not important,” she said handing him a now full chute of glass. “I am not going to sit here and talk kitchen décor when my baby is home,” she said sitting down on a stool. “Now care to explain how I didn’t catch wind of this?”

“Well,” Sebastian said taking a sip of his champagne. “I wanted to surprise you so Finley and I planned this, Theo let me borrow his plane and well here I am,” he offered as his mum rolled her eyes.

“Of course it was Finn,” she hummed. “Well I think this is the best present I am going to get so I won’t be too hard on him,” she said. “How is Theo? You could have bought him along, you know he is always welcome,” she said with a soft smile. “Just like you are,” she tacked on. Seb hummed around his glass, if it was just his mum he’d believe it but considering his father was lurking around somewhere that wasn’t exactly true.

“I know,” Sebastian with a weak smile, “But I figured having the two of us surprise you might be a little too much so I left him partying with our classmates,” he shrugged. “But he has sent a gift, it’s probably already at our New York apartment,” he said.

“Well that is sweet of him,” she commented with a smile. “I am glad you have a friend like him when I was your age, I had a lot of trouble finding real friends,” she frowned clearly getting lost in her memories. “Ah look at me getting lost in things that aren’t important,” she said shaking her head. “Maybe I’ve already had too much champagne,” she said shaking her head. “Irene and I had a boozy lunch,” she explained.

“It’s almost your birthday, If you can’t overindulge in champagne then when can you?” Sebastian joked with a cheeky grin.

“Exactly,” His mother nodded before reaching over and pinching his cheek. “Look at those dimples,” she giggled. “I remember when I first found out I was having a boy, those dimples were the number one thing I hoped you inherited from your father,” she said. Sebastian’s face scrunched up as he removed his mother’s hands from his cheek. He already knew that if his father could he would remove any trace of his DNA from Sebastian’s body.

“Seb,” His mother said, eyes softening. She opened her mouth to say something more but stopped. Perhaps she had grown tired of trying to make excuses for her husband, lord knows Sebastian was tired of hearing them.

“It's fine,” Sebastian said with a wave of his hand, swallowing down the lump that was forming in his throat. “You’re being nostalgic, it happens when you have had too much champagne, that or your old age is getting to you already,” Sebastian teased watching the way his mum’s face contorted at the mention of age.

“Hey,” she laughed. “I know I taught you better than to talk to women about their age.”

[honestsycrets]

Scribbled Out | [Charlie Weasley x Gryffindor!Reader]

❛ pairing | Charlie x reader

❛ type | oneshot

❛ summary | Charlie plans on releasing plans for his future. He just needs the right picture.

❛  warnings | back to HP, artist!reader, gryffindor!reader, self-confidence issues.

❛ sy’s notes | hey harry potter fandom-- been a while. Made this one on request from @mzliterarydreamer​

Scraping your pen, you flick inky lines with your freshly uncapped pen over thin paper. His snout isn’t quite right, veering off to the side, as though a bludger had knocked the side of his face. The flick of your wrist smudges wet, smudged ink across the expanse of the paper. There it went. All your hard work in a manner of seconds.

“Darn!” you curse mildly, as temperate as you were, rushing to fix it with the skills of a muggle. It’s your deepest wish to fix it with your natural muggle skills, rather than one as a witch, knowing how Charlie loved your normal depictions. 

But… This publication would never work like the ink that smeared your pale paper. You almost had his expression right, the wonder between his jovial eyes, his wild fiery hair flapping over his sparking eyes atop of his broom. His shaggy hair bore that quality you just-- loved.

“Look it that,” his voice has this natural, awe inspiring chime, as if you’re the center of his large world. “You made a submission, eh?”

“It doesn’t look right, does it?” you say, puffing air, retaining your soft sighs. No matter how you drew his likeness, it didn’t seem right. Maybe, you thought, you brought yourself up to an impossible task. 

“Hmm,” Charlie kneels in front of you, flipping your knuckle away from the portrait. He whirls through the air with a pose of tough, masculine enterprise, seeking out the snitch, whose shape transfigured into a small baby dragon. “Is that a--” 

“A dragon of some sort,” you reach for a book, shuffling the pages. The wind has thrown them over, flicking pages from where you were.  “A… what is that?”

“Welsh Green,” he answers, albeit a little tentatively. “Daring. But they won’t publish this, you know.” 

“I know. I start to think my work won’t ever be published. But...” you struggle with the moment, overwhelming when he sat before you. His calm eyes wear a rush of wildness, a duality between the man the public saw and the boy you knew him to be. His elbows rest over his knees, voice softening when he again speaks. “I like it. You know that? It’s daring.” 

You’re nodding, smoothing the page out with your finger. Charlie was being nice. He was always nice. You knew the piece was not publishable, not when you knew what everyone expected of Charlie. But… that was okay because in your mind, this was the Charlie that everyone should be seeing. Free.

Not what everyone said he was... Between paper and pen, you could imagine what his life would be like chasing a snitch every day. He could most certainly do it: be rich and famous. Men and women would flock in the darkness, past tents of pulsing song and congested crowds, all to see him. The Charlie you knew was sure of himself and what he wanted, damn the crowds, damn anyone that told him otherwise.

“Think I could have that?” 

“This?” you gesture, gazing over the portrait. It’s as close to complete as it would get. You roll your lip into your mouth, then nod, curt and to the point. “Sure I-- I guess it’s done.” 

He’s smiling again. That makes it worth it. It’s hard for you to focus on more than the ripping of the page, giving it to him, and standing up after gathering your things. You smooth out your skirt, clutching your books on beautiful creatures close to your breast. “I’ll see you later,” Charlie waves, starting his trot down toward Hagrid’s hut. With that, you go to the common room. 

“--what is with everyone today?” 

It was the fifth time that day someone had given you a whistle, caught your eyes or gazed at you in disgust or wonder-- and it was barely time for breakfast! You absentmindedly fixed the maroon and golden tie down your chest, tugged your skirt down, wondering if that damn skirt was showing more than it was meant to. Maybe your lipstick was half way up your face. 

“Is my lipstick off?” you ask Amilia again. “They’re looking at me like I was caught in the shack!”

“No,” she laughs, strawberry blonde hair bobbing down the changing stairs. “But really, (Y/N). The way you sneak away with Charlie, can you blame them?” 

“We do not sneak around,” you twist your wrist, smacking Amilia. You surface at the bottom. Your heels click as you make your way into Hogwarts’s Great Hall, glancing toward your table. Prying eyes come from every direction. Admiring, or hating, it makes no difference. 

“I’d say otherwise,” Amilia says in this cheery, obnoxiously sing-song tone. “What were you doing out there?” 

“Drawing, Amilia, drawing. I most certainly wasn’t-- wasn’t doing that. In eyeshot of Hagrid’s tent? And you know us! We aren’t. Most certainly not.” You’re a simple artist of beautiful dragons, far and wide, ambitious… but ordinary. Charlie could have any number of girls up and down and of the tables. With that in mind you conceal your gaze, level your chin, and take a seat across from her. Charlie hasn’t shown up yet, which is odd, because he usually sits beside you even if he doesn’t specifically talk to you.  

Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a girl’s hard stare. It’s short, at first, but with every bite of her food, she leers disdainfully at you. At last you lift your face, turning toward her. “Do you have an issue?” you ask, wishing you hadn’t. 

She garbles around the spoon in her mouth, all chopped up when she swallows. “You ruin ‘im on purpose?”

“Ruin him?” you repeat, glancing to Amilia, who holds a newspaper between her fingers. “What’s the loon talking about?”

“It looks like,” She presents you with the page. “Charlie.” 

If your plate had food, you would have flipped it in the shock of the moment. Thankful as you were, it didn’t. Because you nearly fell out of the long bench, fingers clasped to the pages, and all hunger eviscerated. That was your photo-- your awful, ugly prototype headlining the page. 

Charlie Weasley-- Abandons Quidditch to Run Away, Chasing Dragons. 

Your stomach lurches, heels clicking, quickly you rush out of there-- knowing the amount of pressure that is about to come down upon your head. Because not only had you ruined the photo, but you had ruined his career. Amilia’s voice, calling you back, is but a distant memory. Suddenly it occurs just why they were looking at you-- because it’s your fault. 

“I didn’t do it because of you,” he says, and you turn, facing him. He stands there with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, considering you. He wasn’t in the Great Hall just a bit to go, but then again, he could survive without breakfast if he really wanted to. “I know that’s what you’re thinking. ‘I ruined Charlie’s chances.’” 

He knows you. Maybe, at times, more than you knew yourself. 

“You could have been a great Quidditch champion. Lived the big life with all the lights, and the money, and the women. You know what kind of women these guys meet? You could be happy, but really really happy and what about your family? You could--” 

“Mum wouldn’t want me to be miserable, y’hear?” He slips his hands out of his pockets, sets them on your shoulders. “What kinda happiness you think being a ‘star’ would be? No woman would really be there, not like I want.” 

“Like you want?” 

His hands slip, off your shoulder, gentle as they caress down your arm. There, at your wrist, they settle, shaking. Has he noticed he’s shaking? “Think you would want to illustrate dragons down there?”

“With you?” you say, because you can’t help it, not really. “Charlie you… you know I’m no good at art. Look at the picture you took.” 

You glance off one way, then another, small groups of students giggle as they walk past. Surely a professor would be out soon, too, ushering all the students where they meant to go. “Sure you are-- I…” his lips press together, and he waits, as if he wants you to just give in. But at the end of the day, you know Charlie. It would be your choice to give up what you wanted to do, chase dragons like a fool, like everyone called him. “I’d like it if you came. I’d needa make a book, you know. People don’t like book without pictures.” 

There’s no place. No time. No promise there but the promise in his words. Your fingers wedge in between the webbing of his calloused fingers, and you have a distinct feeling that they would only get tougher as he aged.

“That’d be nice, Charlie.” 

[thewreckkelly]

Watch "Could Only Happen In Ireland" on YouTube

GOOD GOLLY IT’S DOLLY (My Mother Myself) 

I love my Mum – loved her when I was under her care, loved her throughout my independence, love her now she’s in someone else’s care. Of course I’m aware such maternal love is by no means exclusive and undoubtedly, while the expression of such love tends to soften with distance and age, it remains an emotional bond that is a true unbreakable.

Recently I’ve been helping a florist – who also happens to be a great friend - with an online marketing campaign for ‘Mothers Day’ and, (during the course of concocting and plagiarising four line sentiments and graphic displays of floral fawning) , got to thinking of my Mum and what we have shared throughout a lifetime of mutual love.

A strange highlight dominated my walk through that particular past!

-o- 

The year was 1980 (I think) and I was slowly ridding myself of the adolescent petulance properly associated with teenage angst while also - willingly and without excuse or apology – continuing to embrace the evolutionary revolutionary mindset of ‘Punk’.

Don’t get me wrong I had never fallen into the ‘Mohawk’, ‘Piercings’, ‘Gobbing’, ‘Pogoing’ or ‘Safety Pin’ syndrome - not this good Catholic boy. It was more than enough for me that the freedom of expression associated with the genre felt ridiculously  inspirational and challenging in its raw depth – ‘Never Mind the Bollox’ proving a universally perfect mantra of how to be young in that very beneficial yet restrictive first world of change and changelings.

My Mum was the polar opposite in her musical taste and, (with a small ‘c’), conservative view of people, society and trends. Perry Como was more her cup of tea than the subversive Sinatra or Elvis while country music provided the stories of life she could relate to. Her idea of rocking out was to blare the Ray Conniff’ big band singers through my Da’s good stereo speakers on Sunday mornings - after mass - while letting go of any dancing inhibitions as she prepared the traditional roast.

The funny thing is; I sort of liked her music – without ever admitting such a ‘terrible’ thing to my friends and so called musical peers of course. There is an argument I liked the stuff she liked in much the same way liking anything that defines a good person has a habit of doing, but I don’t believe that was the reason.

I was too young and self-obsessed to understand that all was not simple and simple was, most certainly, not all – yet somehow aware enough to know without really knowing. Later I would realise my Mum had a terrific universal ear for much of what was good and great but back then ...... well .......

My Mum’s life, at the time, was neat and tidy by design - honed from a lifetime of consideration for others and struggle against an incomplete education, social gender relegation and being without too often. Mine was naturally a mess - a snap semi considered series of decisions and influences borne out of immediacy and yearning coloured by arrogance and naivety – a rebel searching for a ‘because’ if you like.

I had spent the summer just gone in London immersing myself in a musical and literary culture that was maturing from the raucous irregular  nature of punk and had taken in lots of pub and small venue gigs that ranged in influence from ‘The Jam’ to ‘Elvis Costello’ to ‘John Cooper Clarke’ to ‘Jimmy Pursey’ to ‘Billy Bragg’ to 'Kafka' to 'Tom Wolfe' to 'Philip Larkin' .

It was my coming of age moment when all of such seemed terribly exciting and dangerous to the person I was and surely massively influential in opening up my, (up till then), purposely covert disdain for authority and establishment

In the autumn of that year, weighed down by the morass of all such personal contradictions, I secured two front row seats for a Country & Western show at the RDS - with some degree of trepidation – to treat and play chaperone to my Mum, who was a big fan and unlikely - at that time - to actually enjoy or have the opportunity to avail of such an occasion.

And so it came to pass the two of us left the semi in the suburbs and drove to a monolith in the better part of town to see Dolly Parton do her thing.

-o- 

The Royal Dublin Showgrounds in Ballsbridge, Dublin, was, and probably still is, a throwback statement in architecture and class driven membership designed to promote and embrace all of what was good from the Protestant protectorate time of Victoria - while actually succeeding in highlighting much of what was insidious about those whom believed in a realm upon which the sun would never be expected to set. A venue where aspiring middle-class Dubliners and those beyond the pale could, on occasion, sample and digest possibilities their betters expected them to aspire to but rarely achieve.

The entrance to the RDS is signature and a facade of understated power – inviting and intimidating in measure and construction. I hadn’t been in the exhibition hall before and was hugely underwhelmed by its ordinariness, the starkness of the concrete floors and rows of institutional collapsible chairs set out in slightly skewed rows. The room was cavernous, very bright with a stage that looked more suited to a communist political convention than a glitzy C&W extravaganza.

Mum was dressed to the nines, which had worried me slightly to begin with only for such fear to rapidly evaporate upon arrival - it was twenty year old me, dressed as conservatively as I could allow in Wrangler jeans, Polo shirt and black suit jacket, that looked out of place among the throngs of Sunday best middle aged men and women taking their seats in an excited, orderly and happy manner. I felt like the proverbial fish out of water and had to reach deep to marry myself to my Mother’s mounting excitement and sense of occasion.

The support act that night was a solo artist called Kevin Johnson. Here I was on relatively safe ground as his big song was; ‘Rock & Roll I Gave You All the Best Years of My Life’ to which I knew all the lyrics and felt some level of identification with. He was a good competent performer with the troubadour’s presence and I remember being impressed at his professionalism along with enjoying the Americana folksiness of the set. I relaxed a touch and, when he finished off with that song, felt at least I’d got my money’s worth and anything else would be a bonus.

A sense of fervent excitement in the hall grew as we waited for the headliner and, to a point, became infectious. I genuinely had no idea what to expect and the sense of expectation bordering on privilege emanating from this packed venue caused me to doubt any possibly disingenuous pre-conceptions I had inwardly held since I’d bought the tickets and surprised Mum.

The lights went down, the band silently took to the stage as shadows. A fanfare of guitars, fiddle, bass and drums in galloping beat broke the deafening silence of the seated audience and then .......

‘GOOD GOLLY IT’S DOLLY’ issued forth from a disembodied deep male voice - in the pronounced accent of a Southern American State - to rapturous applause.

A spotlight broke the darkness and concentrated its stardust on the wings from which a tiny giant bounded and danced her way to centre stage with more energy than Sellafield.

Clad in a very revealing figure hugging silver diamantes laden dress, sporting perfect make-up on cheeky cultured facial features pronounced with ruby red lipstick – all artistically framed by an abundance of perfectly coffered Dixie blonde tresses.

This would be first lady of country music lit the auditorium miles beyond the ability of mere electricity.... Oh yes Ms Dolly Parton made an entrance you couldn’t beat with a stick.

The show is a blur – I do remember her doing ‘Applejack’ on the banjo, with ridiculous big painted nails not being a bother at all – and the best I can actually recall for the most part is before you could wail ‘Jolene’  I found myself cheering, clapping, dancing and singing along with songs I didn’t know in the company of equally uninhibited people I didn’t know and wising the show would never end. This was new to me; this was a living example of the best at what they do, doing it for me along with everyone else and delivering on every level.

The famous composer of melodies, Thomas Moore, once wrote:

‘And the best works of nature can only improve – when we see them reflected in looks that we love’ 

When Dolly caused us all to settle down, mid set, and invited each and every one present to relive a childhood memory of Motherly love with her soft ballad; ‘Coat of Many Colours’, I glanced smilingly at my Mum and her returned look allowed an understanding of exactly what Tom Moore was getting at.

Thanks for giving me Dolly Mum, (I’ve held on to her ever since), and, of course, all the rest of the other stuff.

Happy Mother’s Day

[cherrybloomn]

Delicate - Chapter 3

Note: ok Chapter 3 is here. Your opinion is always welcomed (criticism included!). Its my first stoey ever so please be kind. I know I have much to work on, but I hope that it will get better and better.

I would like to thank very (VERY) much @musings-sans-muse and @shellbilee for your support, help, ideas, everything! You girls rock!!

Thank you @oddsnendsfanfics for your encouragement!

Warnings: swearing

April 2020

 

Naomi spent the whole March shooting her show in Berlin (as there was a theatre festival) and preparing the charity event for children. She managed to schedule everything– the place (Hyde Park), the catering, the guests. Obviously, everything was cancelled due to coronavirus restrictions. Everyone was forbidden to go to the tv studio, so Naomi worked on the new scripts of the episodes, watched movies, wrote reviews of new plays, etc.

Since their last lunch, Naomi had been regularly in touch with Henry, mostly via WhatsApp. They have met a couple of times. The more she talked with him, the more she liked him. He made her laugh. But not only that. He seemed to care about others, yet had this reasonable attitude - often saying that you can’t change the world alone.

She valued him for being the voice of reason. They have known each other for only two months, yet she told him a lot about her family and difficult relationship with her father (who was a real - life spitting image of Logan Roy from The Succession), her issues with James, her weird fascinations of criminal stories about murderers and disappearances and the II World War.

One day she had just come home and put the groceries on the kitchen island, when her phone buzzed. She picked up the video call. Henry. The thought of seeing his face and talking to him always shifted her mood. “Hello boy. Give me a moment I need to wash my hands. I’ve just been out in a bad, bad store.” She giggled and headed to the bathroom with her phone, placing it next to the sink.

“Of course. I can see your tits now, by the way. No worries though, I enjoy the view.” He chuckled lightly. Naomi rolled her eyes and quickly moved the phone to the higher counter. She took a minute to study Henry’s face. Something was off. She couldn’t tell if he looked sad or tired. It was off though. She was wondering why. In this very moment she also realized that he was one of very few people, who were… important to her. Not in a romantic kind of way. No. Naomi didn’t date, she didn’t want to build a relationship with any man, not anymore. Still, he was important. 

“Helloo..” Henry waved his hand from the other side of the screen.

“I’m sorry. I thought of my round, perfect, little tits. Changing the awkward subject, how are you doing in times of isolation? You look tired. Is everything ok?” Naomi dried her hands with a towel, grabbed her phone and headed to the kitchen. She placed her phone on the kitchen island, leant on her elbows and focused on the phone screen.

“I’m fine. A bit anxious I think. Not my best day today. That’s why I’m calling. I expect to hear some entertaining story about your crazy childhood.”

She laughed, and thought for a moment. “I’m not in the mood today. You know, I almost got a role in the Moulin Rouge musical in the Old Vic. I mean I did get the part of Satine, and I was so excited, as it would be my debut after all these years. Unfortunately, they called today that due to the lockdown, the project has been entirely called off.” She shrugged “At least Netflix doesn’t disappoint. There’s the Money Heist premiere today.”

After a second she added “Join me today! Look I know it’s illegal, alright? But I can promise we will keep the two – meter distance. I can offer you good whiskey and whatever meal the chosen restaurant could provide. Except for pizza and other carbo shit. I’m on a low-carbo diet. You know I’d love to say I’m one of those women who can eat everything because they’re so cool and don’t care about their looks or have a wonderful metabolism. But unfortunately, I’m not them. My metabolism is my enemy and I do fucking care about how I look because the CEO of BBN asks about my weight like once a month.” She smiled at him “So, take it or leave it.”

“I take it. I can cook something if you want. Oh, can I take Kal with me?”

“Cooking – ok. Sounds cool. Kal – Henry, in general of course. But you need to keep in mind I’ve got two Pomeranians – and as much as they love people and small dogs, they sometimes hate the big ones. So, bring Kal with you and in case there’s war, I’ll take Marilyn and Audrey to my neighbor.”

They discussed the details about the dogs’ meeting and decided to meet at 6 pm. Naomi took her time to call her mum and friends, take her dogs for a walk and take a shower. Afterwards she applied a bit of makeup, put on her black Nike leggings and white tank top. She let her hair loose so that it could dry quickly. Just after she poured herself a glass of water, her phone buzzed and Henry informed, he’s waiting outside with Kal. Naomi called her dogs and all of them headed to the small park near her apartment. Naomi couldn’t stop laughing when she spotted Henry with the Salvador Dali mask on – a kind of tribute to Money Heist, which they were going to watch.

Unfortunately, just as Naomi thought, there was no love between Kal and Marylin. At least Audrey accepted the big bear immediately. Naomi decided to take Marylin to her neighbor, and the rest of them headed to her place.

Much to Naomi’s surprise, Henry cooked a delicious dinner, and they spent the whole evening watching five episodes of the Netflix series. Being her kittenish self, Naomi gently touched Henry’s knee with her toes from time to time. “Heey… relax.” She said with a smile. “I can tell you something nice, wanna hear?”

Henry raised his eyebrow and looked at her with a smirk “Go on, entertain me.” He gently rubbed her ankle with one hand, the other one was supported on the back of the sofa.

“Alright..” Naomi closed her eyes for a moment and enjoyed the delicate massage. Finally she looked him in the eyes. She smiled shyly and turned her face away, “Henry.. Do remind me please, is your dad a boxer?” She asked coyly.

Henry seemed a bit puzzled “No, no. Have I ever said that he was?”

“Well no...but damn, I’m asking because you’re such a knockout!”.

They both burst out with laughter.

“What a cheesy pickup line, I love it! Where do you know that from?”

Naomi started to play with her hair “Well, it happens to me all the time” she joked. “It’s nice to see you laughing.” She added after a second.

At around 3 a.m. they decided it was really late, so they were to terminate their evening with just one glass of Jack Daniels (due to her diet Naomi didn’t drink alcohol, but promised to have a goodbye drink).

Naomi brought two glasses to the living room and sat on the sofa. Henry was sitting on the opposite side. Once Naomi extended her hand and handled him a glass of whiskey, he slowly grabbed the glass with one hand and held her wrist with another. “What a massive rock!” He said, looking closely at her two - carat diamond engagement ring. He gently caressed her knuckles with his thumb. His touch, ever so gentle made Naomi shiver. Something about it felt so wrong and so right at the same time. “Has James proposed to you? I had no idea”. Henry let go of her hand and supported himself on the back of the sofa.

 “No, of course not. It’s an engagement ring I was given by my husband. I often wear it.” Naomi didn’t like to talk about her marriage with anyone. She felt very comfortable with Henry and they talked about many personal things, but she never mentioned her married life.

Henry slowly nodded. “You never talk about your marriage.” He took a sip of his drink and after a couple of seconds asked “Do you still love him?”

Naomi zoned out for a second, focusing her eyes on the floor. Her hand tried to retrace Henry’s touch on her knuckles. This touch. So delicate. It was one of the most intimate moments she’s ever experienced. Why was it so intimate - she didn’t know. She had had a lot of sex lately. Mostly with James. James never touched her this way. Why? Why had nobody ever touched her this way, she thought.

“Naomi.” Henry’s low, but soft voice snatched her out of her thoughts. She looked at him with slightly parted lips. What were they talking about? Oh, right. Her ex-husband.

“Do I love my husband? Because I wear the engagement ring? No. Not at all. I just love expensive jewellery with big diamonds.” She chuckled looking at her engagement ring. “That’s the secret. But no. I have no feelings for my ex - husband. As for why I don’t talk about my marriage, there’s just nothing to talk about. I was 20, he was 34 at that time we got married. I wanted to be an actress, he was a serious entrepreneur. I wanted to run away from my mum, who was trying to take over my whole life, and he was looking for a young woman to build a home with. At some point it didn’t work out. We had a nasty divorce and division of assets. He then moved to Moscow, and as far as I know he still lives there. The end.”

Naomi refilled Henry’s glass with whisky, Naomi willed herself to focus back on the conversation and not on the ghost of his touch that lingered on her skin. “What about your love life, Mr. One Hundred Questions to Naomi Poesy?” She asked and winked at him.

“You know how it is Naomi. It’s just hard to get involved with someone, if you have this kind of job. It’s all about either accepting my schedule and traveling with me, or building a long – distance relationship. It hardly ever works. Also…”

Naomi suddenly held her right hand up in a stop gesture. “I’m sorry, but I just have to interrupt here. That sounds like you’re trying to find a justification. I mean – and I’m really sorry for sharing my opinion unasked – but building any relationship is hard in general. Do you really think your situation is any different from a situation of CEOS or anyone who has a career, money and power? The scale may be different but the issues are all the same. I mean a CEO of a big insurance company does have the very same problems. He asks the same questions - if his new other half is with him because of his status, money, position or because she’s in love. And the schedule thing – sure it’s hard to build a relationship when you’re on the set for a couple of months and it literally consumes all of your time. Trust me though, it’s not easier if you work as a physician or a lawyer, or if you work in a big tv corporation like I do. Instead of being on the set for a couple of months, people work their asses off every day, because they have loans to pay, plans to realize. And they usually don’t have any breaks. The fact that you get back home to your other half after 9 pm does not necessarily make your relationship better. It’s just the matter of what you’re expecting from a relationship.”

Henry just nodded and added after a moment “I just want to have a family of my own.”

“Well. But this is not the answer to the question of what you are expecting from a relationship. I mean, obviously everyone wants to start a family. The question is – what does it mean to you? Some want to start a family because they hate to be lonely, some feel like they need to take care of others, and some just feel like it makes them feel complete. You know sometimes you meet the person you resonate with, you feel the great chemistry with, but it just doesn’t work because of lots of other factors like the timing, circumstances etc. So, what I mean is that you really need to know what you expect from your partner so that you can fight for it.” She thought about what she said for a minute “Hm.. it sounded much wiser in my head before I verbalized it.”

Henry laughed and looked her in the eyes licking his lips. That gentle touch. After a few seconds of glancing at each other she smiled at him and shyly turned her face away. “Ok, enough. Don’t try to charm me here.” She grabbed her phone from the coffee table. “Man, it’s 4 am! I’m not surprised I’m bubbling something half intelligent. I should be sleeping already, I have promised to help Sarah tomorrow morning. This morning. If you want to you can stay, I have a guest room and a spare toothbrush.”

“Thank you, but I guess I better get back home.” He grabbed his phone and ordered an Uber. “I just have to say” he started as they both stood up and headed towards the hall. “You are so tiny without high heels!”

She laughed “No shit Sherlock.”

“No, but seriously. I wanted to say” he stopped there and looked at Kal. It seemed like he was fighting with his thoughts whether to verbalize what he wanted to say or not. “I really like spending time with you.”

Naomi crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t date Cavill.” She said with a smile.

Henry just nodded and leaned towards her, so close that their faces were just inches away, and said “Well, pity.” He chuckled and leaned even closer to give her a goodbye kiss on a cheek “Bye, girl. Get some sleep.” He then took a step away and called for Kal, who was already bouncing on his legs ready to go.

Naomi reached to open the front door for them, but instead of doing it, she turned towards Henry and leaned against the door. She noticed his clenched jaw, then placed her eyes on his lips and eyes. She slowly grabbed the drawstring of his hood with her right hand and wrapped it around her fingers. “Hey.. I don’t, but what would you do if I did date…?” she asked playfully. She bit her bottom lip in anticipation.

“Naomi..” Henry smiled lightly at her, and tenderly touched her cheek, moving his fingers from her cheekbone through her lips to her chin. He was slowly studying her face. Naomi looked at him stunned, her lips parted, she was not expecting that.

“I’m 37. I’m too old to play this game. Please, don’t play with me.” He stroked her cheek once more with his index finger and stepped back. He fastened Kal’s leash. In the meantime Naomi unlocked the door and moved back.

“Goodbye” He gave her a warm smile and left.

Naomi quickly closed the door and tried to understand what had just happened. She felt all the emotions at once - arousal, humiliation, sadness, anger, happiness. She brushed her fingers through her cheek. That gentle touch. She took a deep breath. In her entire life Naomi had always been the “tough guy” - first in ballet school, at home, when her mother suffered from depression, and Naomi had to take care of her mother and her brother, then drama school. Establishing her position in television was not easy either. Oh, and her marriage. She was just a girl when she got married and her older husband always knew better. The random men she fucked after she got divorced. James. They all wanted to have her, possess her. And she kind of liked it. It made her feel attractive and in charge. But that touch was somethings new.

Naomi felt the tears welling in her eyes, as if for the first time in her life, she experienced such a gentle touch. And it felt so good.

[leviathan-dee]

DMC Week 2020: Day 6: You Belong Here

(Here’s another small wholesome piece. I really wish we had more interactions with the entire crew in DMC, but the community provides enough to sate that need for wholesomeness). (All prompts were used for day 6). (Alcohol mention, and one use of a curse word lmao).

Family was never a word that Dante had to use too often in his vocabulary. Decades of separation and neglect seemed to stretch, until he finally found where he belonged; in this drunken celebration with his slightly dysfunctional family.

Word Count: 1,755

Characters: Dante, Vergil, Nero, Kyrie, Trish, Lady, Nico

Read On AO3

The scorching July sun seemed to boil every living being which dared step foot outside, merciless rays beating down upon the Earth. Whoever escaped the confines of their four walls were bound to become crispy at the sheer thought of the sun. There were, however, some fools who tempted fate, and proceeded to have an entire barbeque outside.

The Spardas, alongside the Devil May Cry crew, were said fools.

Of course, no one could deny Kyrie, the kindest, most gentle creature to ever grace the planet, a day outside. Especially during a celebration. Especially on a pregnant Kyrie’s birthday.

It was July tenth, the weather being arid and overly vacant of any breezes. This only made the heat far more excruciating. Kyrie didn’t seem to feel the blazes, her skin absorbing the rays to form a honeyed tan which complimented the amber glimmer in her eyes. Whereas Nero, unfortunately, panted like a rabid dog. His skin seemed to turn scarlet at the mere thought of summer. Evidently, the situation turned even worse for the boy since he had to man the barbeque, grilling burgers, as well as sausages, meanwhile being inevitably covered in helix coils of smoke. His beloved watched him apologetically, whilst he continued to sweat up a storm, beckoning the children to pick up their mouthwatering meals.

Dante sat beside an orchard, the apple trees being a godsend for shade in his time of need. Although the Sparda twin could withstand blazing temperatures, it was only for a short period of time; Not an entire day. Brushing his white, sweat-soaked locks away from his brow, Dante grabbed the neck of the beer bottle, letting the bubbles gently glide down his throat. He basked in the sensation for what seemed a whole eternity, whilst the sound of bickering and giggling children filled his ears. It was blissful, to say the least. To feel like he belonged. To have family.

He had hoped Verge felt the same about this reunion.

Thinking about his twin brother, Dante turned to the blue devil, noting that Vergil’s usual scowl was wiped clean off of his visage. Instead, his face was soft, bereft of any tension. He seemed… happy. Relaxed. It was refreshing to see. Albeit his quiet nature, the elder twin continued to lift the corners of his lips, reacting to the children, as well as Nico’s vulgar comments and Kyrie’s deathly glares at the gunsmith. Trish and Lady were the other pair to cause a ruckus, making Vergil smirk anytime they were told off by Nero for using non-family friendly language at the dinner table.

“Aww shit, we’re out of ketchup.” As a slightly intoxicated Lady let the curse word slip, she squeezed the condiment bottle harder, making it spurt out a less-than elegant bowel movement noise, and a pathetic dollop of tomato sauce. The children fell into hysterics, Nero and Kyrie unsure of whether to reprimand the woman, or giggle alongside the kids.

Dante continued to watch the spectacle, a warmth blooming in his chest.

Vergil was happy. In turn, so was his younger brother.

“So, Verge, enjoying yourself?” Sipping on liquid courage, Dante turned his head to his twin.

“Hmm. It appears as though I am.” The blue devil assumed a somewhat distant stare, turning his gaze towards his busy son at the grill. His eyes softened at the sight of Nero. If there was a trace of bittersweetness in Vergil’s expression, it came and went almost instantly. However, Dante knew him better than anyone, and could recognise his elder brother’s ghosts of guilt and regret quickly.

As a sudden breeze eased the tension of blanketing heat, Dante sighed, and recalled a nostalgia fueled memory.

“Remember when mum and dad brought all of their friends to the manor for a barbeque? We ended up playing with the other kids, whilst the grown-ups got drunk?” The scarlet devil sucked air in through his teeth, the memory almost too painful to relive. Vergil recoiled at the sudden recollection.

“I reminisce about those days often.”

“You were a damn sprightly kid, Verge. Always running off and hiding to read. Me and the others had to search for you, only to find you up on that gnarly tree, chomping on some apple.”

Dante continued with the mental memoir, his lips curling upwards. He could almost hear the voices of the children and Vergil’s adamant refusal to climb down. He could smell the delectable cuisine of his father's famous burnt burgers and his mother’s soft laughter. Even the gentle grass lapping at his ankles was as vivid of a memory as the display of giggling children before him.

“And now…” Dante inhaled deeply, a ghost of a bittersweet smile gracing his lips, “now we’re the ones sitting, getting wasted, whilst the kiddos play.”

“What are you getting at, Dante?” Vergil uncrossed his arms, running his fingers through his hair, a tell-tale sign of either annoyance or discomfort. Dante simply waited to collect his thoughts, the image of past times being too much. In retaliation to the thoughts, he inhaled the scent of sweetened smoke, inching himself to the empty seat beside Vergil. He let out an almost elderly sigh as he landed in the chair before continuing earnestly.

“We made it, Verge. We've come full circle.”

Vergil's reforming thoughtful brow wrinkle made its famous comeback, his mind processing Dante's statement.

So they did come full circle.

Dante was so adamant on having something dear to hold onto, he was finally rewarded with a family. Finally rewarded with what he longed for since he was eight years old. Though it was a screwed up little group with issues that would take a few more decades to sort out, it was his family. Vergil was very much a part of that family. It warmed every cold crevice of the blue devil’s beating heart, the melodic rhythm becoming even prouder.

"Christ, Vergil. You have a son, can you believe it? In fact, you're going to have a grandkid. You're going to be the youngest looking gramps to have ever lived." Dante attempted to pinch his brother’s cheek, earning him an irked scoff, alongside a hearty slap to the back of the head. It seemed as though they returned to their youthful selves, ignoring the wrinkle lines that arose with age, and the exhaustion inflicted violet splodges beneath their eyes.

They were kids again, trying their best to catch up on the lost years of brotherly bickering.

...

The air began to cool off as the evening drifted. Nero was unchained from his duties, sipping a chilled beer, pleased hums and sighs resounding from his chest. Kyrie cuddled into Nero’s side, the both of them entangled behind the table. Viewing the spectacle, Dante turned to Vergil once more.

"I think mum and pops would be proud." The statement came out of the blue, yet did not startle the blue devil. Instead, his visage was graced with a saccharine smile, the type that Dante had rarely seen in the man. In fact, it was only witnessed during their eventful, albeit brief, childhood.

"Hmm… I hope so." Sighing, contentment written all over Vergil’s features, he craned his neck up to the trees, breathing in the tender breeze of the summer evening.

Dante continued to reminisce about his nephew, and the love of Nero’s life. Seeing the shy ‘couple’ back in Fortuna, he never anticipated to witness this decade-long result; A great-nephew. Kyrie seemed to glow as she nuzzled into her beloved’s side, with a five month bump becoming a prominent addition to her frame. It was a wondrous thing to Dante, knowing that their little dysfunctional family was ever-expanding. The fuzzy feelings appeared to bloom at an exponential rate, which the scarlet devil attempted to gulp down with bubbling alcohol.

He was proud of them. Proud of the tiny group. His family.

A boisterous Nico interrupted any thoughts, eclipsing the view of the couple with her presence.

"So, 'nother beer for ya, gents?" She offered to provide more drinks, with Dante gladly accepting and Vergil politely declining. Whilst the Spardas’ intoxication was low, Lady and Trish were completely sloshed. Their joyous dancing was evidence of the fact.

Nico turned to the middle of the garden where the pair were swaying their arms about as if they were attempting to fend off mosquitos.

“Lady is gonna regret all that booze in the morning. Not sure ‘bout Trish though.” As the young gunsmith twirled on her heels to approach Nero and Kyrie, the dancing pair of intoxicated women began to beckon Dante.

“Hey! Give us your iconic MJ dance!” Trish slurred not a single word, Dante noting that she was playing the drunk to accompany Lady.

“C’moooon Mr. Sparda. Please?” Lady, however, slurred every word. It wasn’t often she had the time or the energy to let loose, so the evening was some well deserved alleviation of pent up stress and frustration. In the distance, Kyrie giggled at Lady’s tipsiness, earning the birthday girl an amorous peck on her button nose from Nero.

The scarlet devil stood from his seat whilst giving Nico an impish smirk, before summoning Dr. Faust into his palm. It appeared as though the cowboy hat materialised from countless twinkling coils of demonic energy. Nico returned his mischievous smile with her own, silently fist bumping the air. Nero simply sighed and clicked his tongue, mirroring his father’s own mannerisms of annoyance and exasperation.

“Not again…”

“YES AGAIN! HIT IT, DANTE!” Nico joined in on the two buzzed women on the garden dancefloor. As a natural performer, Dante swished the headpiece upon his crown, assuming a pose that could wow the crowd.

For hours, the party continued, each member of the crew joining in on the song and dance. Even Vergil pranced into the centre, grabbing a wasted Lady to waltz with him. Toasts were made, followed by treasured tears trailing alongside the speeches, each word weighing the world. Their love for each other, and this little makeshift family, could not be altered or demolished in any way possible. For each of these members lost someone close to them. Whether it was a father, a mother, a brother, or their entire livelihood. They ultimately found a group of like-minded individuals to fill the void. Nothing could separate them.

‘You belong here’ a tiny cherished voice uttered in the back of Dante’s mind. For the first time in decades, he was happy. He felt like he belonged.

Hell, he did belong. 

And nothing could change the fact.

[quirklove]

Oof, how would the other LoV members react to Shigaraki having a girlfriend that's kind of like Rangiku in Bleach? A gorgeous, curvy women who is motherly-sisterly but is a complete badass when it comes down to it? How would Shigaraki even meet a woman like that and have her be almost like a simp for him. Its Shiggy-lovin hours over here 💕💕

oh my heart.........

listen iT’S ALWAYS SHIGGY-LOVIN HOURS

IN THIS HOUSE WE STAN ONE HANDYMAN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

also this ragtag bunch of misfits??? THEY FUCKING LOVE EACH OTHER OK AND THEY DESPERATELY NEED A MOM

ATSUHIRO

Well! He wouldn’t call this a surprise, but whatever it is, it’s a pleasant one! It really is about time that their leader met someone like that. It seems to have happened fairly quickly that they’ve become an item, so Atsuhiro remains aware and available to either of them for advice just in case things are moving a bit too fast. (Tomura in a relationship, after all? The boy is very inexperienced and things could easily go badly.) He’s a perfect gentleman to (Name), and enjoys her company. That she not only applauds his tricks and can hold her own in battle certainly doesn’t hurt. He’s very excited to have her around!

DABI

Damn, it’s about fucking time. How long did it take Tomura to figure out he needed to get laid? Hah. All in good fun, of course, because Dabi does hold some sort of weird level of respect and care for their leader, so it’s nice to see the guy happy. Or, what passes for happy in the League, anyway. (Name) isn’t slowing them down at all despite her gentler tendencies when she’s not fighting. Having someone around who can bring a soft touch to a group of villains who haven’t been soft in ages isn’t half bad. Also, she doesn’t call him ‘Frankenstein’ like some uneducated people, so she’s okay in his book.

HIMIKO

Oooooh, this is so incredible!!! Maybe she could have… just a little, itty bitty, teeny weeny bit of (Name)’s blood?? The thing with Himiko is that her having a relationship with this woman is going to be sort of complicated. She doesn’t see the other woman romantically, because (Name) is in a relationship with Tomura. Not only is she not available, Himiko views her in more of the same light as she views Magne ― like a big sister, or even a mother figure since Himiko’s at odds with her own parents. But Himiko still wants some of (Name)’s blood. She just doesn’t want to see her hurt and bruised. She kind of just likes the fact that this woman doesn’t judge her and will happily cuddle with her even while Himiko rambles about blood and things!

JIN

That’s… crazy! Well, it might not be so out of the realm of possibility. Pff, who is he kidding? This is nuts! Part of him can’t imagine Tomura, someone with a burning hatred toward almost everything and everyone, in love with someone. The other part of him can’t help but acknowledge how incredible it is that someone like their leader is still capable of being loved by someone, still capable of loving if it’s the right person. It makes him wanna vomit sometimes with how cute (Name) acts toward Tomura, but also… it gives him hope. If someone like that can find love despite his issues, then why can’t Jin, eventually, find love too? Plus, he likes how (Name) is always checking up on everyone and caring for them. It’s like they all… have a mom now. It’s a nice thought.

KUROGIRI

At the very least, Tomura having a girlfriend who is somewhat more reasonable even than the other villains has to be a good thing. It means that Kurogiri can occasionally leave the man in (Name)’s care and not have to worry that something absolutely disastrous is going to happen. Whereas many of the League’s other members fuel Tomura’s negativity, she doesn’t. She seems to be able to keep a level head. With Tomura Shigaraki, that’s important. Needless to say, Kurogiri has a massive amount of respect for this woman. He trusts her to take care of Tomura whenever they’re together. All the same, though, expect him to be a bit stunned whenever she expresses any kind of concern or affection for him. It’s a mental, “― Oh.”, kind of like watching a computer reboot.

MAGNE

Oohhhh… she’s just a lot of fun, isn’t she? It’s been a while since a lady joined their ranks and Magne for one is always up for that! She’s always a little bit on edge around new people simply because she has no way of knowing who will or won’t accept her given her identity. That said, she has no intention of pretending to be something she’s not, so anyone who doesn’t like that can go pound sand. It’s different with Tomura’s girlfriend, though, because it’s a safe bet that (Name) has more authority than any of the others. Thankfully, once Magne is able to relax around the other woman, they get to be fast friends. Magne is very used to being big sis, obviously, so to have someone who could be a mother figure to her? Though it’s different, she’s very grateful for that. She also can’t say she hates fighting alongside this woman, because… girl power!!

SHUICHI

Ah, Tomura better understand just how lucky he is! A girl like that comes along, what, maybe once in a lifetime? It would be a lie to say Shuichi didn’t have the smallest crush on (Name), but thankfully ― for Shuichi ― he doesn’t let it spill over or be visible, and after a while, the infatuation fades. Over anything else, he respects this woman because she’s a badass who will fight for her beliefs and her loved ones despite being a truly kind soul. That’s a rare combination, one that he hasn’t seen very often, something he thinks is possibly the best way that someone can exist. Similar to ‘Big Sis Magne’, he often calls (Name) ‘Mum (Name)’ simply because that’s how he sees her. Good thing his nicknames are endearing, otherwise it could be awkward!

TOMURA

This woman is just… incredible. She’s like no one he’s ever met before, and he’s constantly in awe of the way that softness and strength can coexist inside one person. Whenever he’s looking at her, it’s as if he’s watching an intricate balancing act. (Name) was sort of a vigilante when he met her, fed up with many aspects of the hero system but unwilling to give up on the idea of helping others. It’s fortunate for Tomura, because somewhere along the way, her sweet nature and tender treatment began to help him. With her by his side, he’s begun to heal, even though it’s going to be a long road. Despite that he often tries to act unaffected by her various romantic gestures, hands down the easiest way to get him flustered is for her to fawn over him. He truly, honestly doesn’t believe he’s attracted in the slightest; having (Name) kiss his chapped lips for half a second only to immediately come back for more, or to run her fingers through his hair while gushing at how pretty it is, or to just flat-out say that he’s beautiful to her? Ah, he’s blushing in half a second.

He doesn’t understand why she stays with him, and he thinks he’ll probably never understand. She could do so much better. But as long as she’s here… he wants to soak up every little scrap of affection she’s willing to throw his way. It’s something he’s never had before and he doesn’t want it to go away. He doesn’t want her to go away.

He’s always going to be grateful to her, because she proved to him, once and for all, that he can do something he was afraid he was never capable of doing: loving someone.

[ashley-incharge]

Beautiful Boy | Ashroo

The birth of Asher Gabriel DeRosa Armbruster. Dated: October 29th.

@littlemister-roo

Ashley:

Ashley A. was very much sick of being pregnant. She had kind of hoped that the baby would be born and ready to be cared for on her due date and she wouldn't have to fuss over maybe getting a Halloween costume together for her girls' party.

Honestly? Ashley wasn't sure that she really wanted to go. She was so tired, she was so heavy, and she was waddling everywhere, which quite frankly...was really embarrassing. At this point she didn't even really care about modesty when Roo came over to her place. She wasn't sexy as ballooned like a whale as she was.

She'd called him over to her place for help with her costume, having come up with the idea for Mother Earth not too long ago. She thought it was fitting. And...well, she really did want to love this kid well. So since she had acknowledged her lack of sexiness, she decided to just wait for Roo in her underwear, settling in the armchair they had gotten her for when the baby came. "It's about time you showed up."

Roo:

Roo was just as ready for the baby to arrive as Ashley was. Ok, maybe a little less since he wasn't the one physically dealing with all the craziness. But still! She was not comfortable or happy in this state and Roo wanted her to be relieved of that. Plus he was tired of the anticipation that plagued him these days as they waited to meet their son.

He'd agreed to come help her with her costume and, as had become the norm, he let himself into the apartment, barely giving it a second thought when he spotted her lounging in the overstuffed armchair in nothing but her underwear. He'd seen her naked plenty of times, and of course still thought she was gorgeous and sexy and all that jazz, but he was long past the blushing stumbling over himself idiot phase. He dropped his bag on the sofa and crossed his arms, smirking. "Aww, Princess! You didn't have to get all dressed up just for me!"

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but scoff. It was a little embarrassing that she had reached the point of not caring as to how she looked. Ashley had ALWAYS cared. Her looks had been part of her identity. 9 months pregnant with a baby really changed the way she looked at herself and beauty. Honestly the women who could still go overboard and be overdone and picture perfect all the time could rot in hell. Ashley would send them there.

She sat up a little more, a hand instantly moving down to press over her now massive stomach. She felt a little abrupt kick from the baby with that. Nice. Even he had to be sick of being in there. "Well you know there's no point in wearing anything if I'm going to have to get wrapped into the outfit. Besides, you've seen me naked several times. Not much point to get fancy here is there?"

Roo:

"I've always said that nude is a great color on you," Roo retorted with a wink. He didn't claim to understand how exactly she was feeling. She said things about how horrible she looked but he just couldn't see it. He thought she looked great, though he knew she didn't believe him when he said it.

He watched her touch the bump and could have sworn he saw the slight nudge. How cool was that? Roo was so ready to meet their son. All in good time, he supposed. "So, how can I help with this costume idea of yours? What do you need me to do?"

Ashley:

Ashley snorted. "I'm glad you think so." She didn't think she looked great at all. But at least he knew how to flatter her. Ashley enjoyed that, even when she was whale size. It made her feel slightly better.

"Well, I told you the concept was mother earth right? You're an artist. Help me make my stomach look like the earth." Ashley rubbed her thumb over her stomach. "I think it'll look amazing probably. Can you help me with that? Oh, and help me figure out how to wrap myself into the outfit too."

Roo:

Roo nodded, remembering the conversation they'd had about her costume idea. He'd been curious when she asked him to bring some of his paints, but he understood now. Moving closer, he examined her belly and glanced over to the long flowy fabric she had selected, thoughtul. "Hmm...yeah. I definitely think I could do that and it will even look pretty cool in the end."

He sat on the arm of the chair and reached over to run his hand over the baby bump, meeting her eye. "Did you want to do a test run now?"

Ashley:

"It better look cool. That's what I need you for here." Ashley wanted the paint to look good on her stomach. It was the only reason she was willing to expose her horribly gigantic stomach to the world. Painting it and making it part of a concept.

She couldn't help but laugh as the baby kicked at the hand running over her stomach. "Yes. I want to make sure it'll work. And that it turns out nice. Obviously. If it doesn't work I'm trying something else for my girls' party."

Roo:

"I'm hurt that you doubt my skills, Princess," Roo scoffed. "Of course it'll look cool!" He already had an idea of how he wanted it to look forming in his mind. He dug in his bag, pulling out a palette of skin safe paints —she'd mentioned needing his art skills for her costume and he'd assumed it might involve face painting and had prepared accordingly. Belly painting wasn't too far off he supposed.

He grinned widely at the nudge against his hand. "I think baby boy is excited to get dressed up too," he laughed. "But sure, let's do this. I think this palette has everything we'll need."

Ashley:

"I doubt because I haven't really seen much of your art in practice. And I want this to look extra good. I'm exposing my stomach for this." Something that Ashley was still self-conscious about, even if she did think she had to be the hottest pregnant girl out there. Her new boss was probably somewhat close in scale, but still not Ashley.

"That or he just wants out. He's overstaying his welcome in there," Ashley remarked with a sigh, rubbing her hand over her stomach as if to tell the boy to settle down. "Okay...let's get started then. You know how the earth looks well enough right?"

Roo:

"Sure, sure," Roo scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully. As if she hadn't pawed through his sketch book nor had she invited him to her house to paint a mural of her on the wall. "Painting your belly will be my magnum opus, don't you worry." He opened a small jar of blue paint and dipped a soft makeup sponge into the gooey liquid before bringing it back to her belly. "This will be a bit cold at first," he warned.

"You're probably right," he agreed. "He's been in there a bit too long hasn't he? And yes, I know what the earth looks like. I even know its round and everything." He began smudging streaks of cerulean blue over the curve of her belly, trying not to smirk too much at the fact he was pretty sure she was taking her lack of self confidence out on him.

Ashley:

Ashley snorted. "So just like that stupid gel they use for ultra sounds." She hated that goo, but that and this paint were there for a purpose at least. She could deal with things she didn't like for that. She was going to look great for her girls party. Or at least, the best she could when she felt heavy as hell and looked like a whale.

"He's been in here way too long Roo. At this point I'm ready to try everything to try to get him out of there." She had seriously been considering dragging Roo into bed with her again even, because she really really wanted this kid out. She takes a breath and lets it out again, watching Roo carefully and making a face as her kid knocked against the point where Roo started painting.

Roo:

"I believe you," Roo smiled crookedly though he kept his eyes on his work. He sure seems to be taking his sweet time. "My mom had some suggestions on ways to maybe get him moving, but I don't think you'd like any of them." He glanced up briefly to shoot her a smirk before focusing back on the paint.

"You really should get a move on, buddy," he murmured at the little nudge against his hand. "We are all dying to meet you and your mum is getting grouchier the longer you stay in there." He winked playfully up at Ashley before putting the finishing strokes on the blue and pulling out the green to start painting the continents.

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. "Oh really? And what suggestions might those be?" Honestly being half a week over her due date was already driving her crazy. She was pretty sure she'd be willing to do just about anything to get things going.

Just then, Ashley felt a sharp pain ripple over her stomach, and she had to suck in a breath, taking a moment to process the pain before it eased up again. Ow. "Well...he's trying to make me grouchier with all these false alarms," Ashley grumbled, almost reaching down to rub her stomach to ease it a little before remembering the paint and dropping her hands again.

"At least I have a look for my girls' party."

Roo:

"Well, maybe suggestion is the wrong word. More like she was listing off things that are known to work....you know. Like going for a walk, jumping on a trampoline, eating spicy food...or, my personal favorite, sex." Roo waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

At her flinching, however, his teasing shifted to concern. "Are you sure you're ok? Those jabs seem to be coming more often."

Ashley:

"Ahh...I did know about most of those. Sex is...well you know I was considering it. Desperate times and all." Even now she debated over the merit of it, because she was sick and tired of this baby being in her.

She sucked in another breath and let it out again. "Of course. I...you know it was like this last time we freaked out, and it was all for nothing." Admittedly she didn't think it was as sharp a pain, but it wasn't as frequent as she thought it would be if it were real labor.

Roo:

Roo pursed his lips but didn't say anything. Unless she was in serious pain or something crazy happened, he didn't want to force the issue. He had to trust that she knew her body better than he did. Instead, he focused on painting Europe, Africa and Asia across her belly.

"There..." he said finally. "It's a bit rough, but I think it's enough that you get the idea. We can go for more detail with the final if you want." He paused. "So...what do you think?"

Ashley:

Ashley grunted as the baby kicked at Roo's hand again. The kicks were a lot less fun now that their kid had no room in there. It just hurt. Or maybe her body was still protesting the braxton hicks. Either way, she still felt a little tense as he finished the painting. Ashley stood and made her way toward the mirror to inspect it.

"You know...it's not so bad. I mean it makes my stomach actually look pretty good like this." She was careful not to smudge the paint, though she did place a gentle hand over the spot the baby kicked this time. This one was around Africa. "Okay. Let's try and see if we can wrap me in the rest of it. See how it fits."

Roo:

Roo grinned at the very Ashley sort of compliment. Coming from her, "it's not so bad" was high praise in his book. Nodding, he plucked up the length of fabric, unfolding it and examining what he had to work with.

"Hmmm..." he mused. "I think if we drape it over your shoulder like this and kind of twist it—" it was a challenge to cover the important bits while leaving her belly exposed, and it took a few tried, but eventually it worked out. And looked pretty good if he did say so himself.

"There." He grinned. "It suits you. Now all you need is a flower crown or something to tie it all together and the look will be complete."

Ashley:

Ashley hummed. "I think it definitely works. Was seriously determined to not have my baby bump turned into something terrible like some people do." She had googled a few things...it wasn't pretty.

She felt another sharp pain, and she had to suck in another breath as she focused on breathing through it. That wasn't nice. But at least she was done up pretty and she had something for the party. Ashley was good. She was great.

"Anyway, I think this is a great costume. I'm sure I'll dazzle everyone. though I do think it'll be a short night for me."

Roo:

Roo could only imagine what "creative" costume ideas were out there and was glad he hadn't really explored the possibilities. Ashley knew what she wanted and that was enough for him. And self centered as she could be, she was right. She looked amazing and would probably have the most stunning costume at the party. Roo intended to make sure of it.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asked, tensing at her sharp intake of breath.. He didn't want to be a pain but he was on edge these days. The baby was late so he could come literally any minute now. "I only ask because your gasps of pain seem to be getting closer together by the minute."

Ashley:

Ashley bit her lip, focusing on steadying her breath again. That really did hurt. "I..." She wasn't one hundred percent sure. But she also hadn't been timing it to figure out whether or not it was real contractions with a real gap in time and how long they lasted. If they wanted to know for sure they would have to do that.

She didn't want to do that. "I don't know. I think there's something about timing it to see if it's real right? I remember reading that in one of those labor books." She started glancing for the book she had read the most, trying to find the pages on active labor.

"I mean it hurts but I really...I really don't know how to tell that it's real or another false alarm."

Roo:

Roo's heart jumped in his chest. Could it be time? How would he know if Ashley didn't even know. He wracked his brain trying to remember every bit of birthing information his mother had lectured him on in the past few weeks and was coming up with a lot of chaotic random bits of information in his nervous state.

"Umm...maybe it's time to call the doctor? I bet they might be able to help us figure it out?" Roo swallowed hard. It was so hard to know what to do!

Ashley:

Ashley hummed. "It might be. I just...we definitely need to be timing it Roo." That much she had read about. Often it could last a while before it was intense enough to go to the hospital. "Okay yeah. Let's call and I can set a timer so I can see how much time we have. Will you call the doctors then? I want to make sure I can pay attention to...ahh. How far apart they are."

Roo:

Roo nodded and pulled out his phone, trying not to let his hands shake as he pulled up the doctor's number and dialed. It was still during business hours so the secretary answered the phone and Roo explained the situation. He listened and answered a few questions before thanking the woman and ending the call.

"She said to call them and head to the hospital when the contractions are 4 minutes apart." He watched her anxiously as she watched the clock. "So? How far apart are they?"

Ashley:

Ashley sucked in a breath and let it out again. "I mean...it feels like it's been happening more now that you're here but it's...hmm." She glanced at her timer, studying where she'd paused it. "I think around 6 minutes? But that's crazy. I mean I've been feeling it more sporadically all day. Not this close together." She sucked in a breath as another contraction hit her, gripping onto a chair near her. "Okay maybe...maybe 5."

Roo:

Roo grimaced sympathetically as the contraction hit her. He thought through the checklist of things the hospital class had tried to teach him. What should they do while they wait for the time gap to close? "Er..." he chewed his lip, squinting. "Do you have your hospital bag packed? Maybe we could do that and while we wait for the next contraction?"

Ashley:

Ashley forced herself to straighten up a little, waddling in the direction of her bedroom to grab her hospital bag. "I...yeah I've had it packed for...for a while now." She eyed the bag that she'd set aside on the floor and grimaced. "Can you grab it Roo? I think actually trying to pick that up would be suuuuuch a pain."

As she glanced at the bag she felt another sharp shooting pain and groaned, a hand going over her freshly painted stomach. "Ow. Ow that one really really hurt." She grimaced. "Shouldn't we be heading out? What if the time shortens really quickly? I am not having this baby-" She paused as she felt a bit of wetness between her legs. "Oh. Well my...my water broke. Thought that'd happen sooner."

Roo:

Roo's eyes widened. Oh crap. It was happening. It was really time! He hurried forward to grab the bag as she asked. "Yeah, lets go. I'll call the cab—" They usually walked to their appointments at the hospital, but he thought that might be a bit too far for a woman about to have a baby literally any second. He called the cab as he rested a hand on her lower back.

"Ok, it'll be here in just a few minutes. We should probably wait outside. You doing ok?"

Ashley:

"Good. Yes. There's a better idea." There was no way in hell Ashley was walking to the hospital when each contraction felt like...a pain in her lower abdomen. Shit. Shit this baby was really coming now. She joked about it, and she complained about it, but now that it was here? Well...Ashley was still bloody terrified.

"Am I doing okay?" She echoed in disbelief. And okay, maybe Ashley had a tendency for the dramatic, but she was in labor and experiencing pain, and the idiot that had helped her get pregnant was asking if she was okay. Absolutely not! "Of course not! This is insane!" She grimaced as another intense contraction hit her, bending over a little. "Ahh. They're coming a lot more intensely now. That cab better get here really fast."

Roo:

"Right, stupid question. Sorry." Roo chuckled nervously. He knew she was hurting, but what else could he say? He didn't know so he'd said the first thing that popped up, which had clearly irritated her.

Trying to keep his mind from panicking, he focused on helping her out the door, securing it behind them. When they made it to the edge of the road, he checked his watch and looked both ways as if it might make the cab get there sooner. "Geez. This is a small town, where could that damn cab be?"

Ashley:

Ashley wanted to kill Roo a little. She was in pain, and it was easy to want to blame him for it for putting her in this mess. Though she too had done it to herself. If her mother hadn't tried to make her decisions for her...but that was neither here nor there. Their baby was on his way.

"Are you serious? It's not here yet?" Ashley groaned, reaching out to grip onto Roo's shoulder. "Don't take this personally...but I kind of want to kill you. Ow. Ow ow."

Roo:

"Don't take this personally, but if you kill me then who else will you complain to about all of this stuff?" Roo may have snapped back, but he also cringed knowing that the was hurting. He knew that he wasn't even close to solely responsible for what she was going through, but he also wasn't dumb enough to go down that road, so he contented himself with a bit of snark.

"Cab probably got turned around by the stupid magic—oh wait! Here they are!" Roo pointed to the car pulling up and ran to get the door for her, letting her slide in first and getting in after her, instructing the driver to take them to the hospital. Thankfully the driver seemed to be looking for an excuse to speed through the town and took their urgency seriously.

Ashley:

Ashley glowered at him. "Are you really going to give me attitude now? Now?! I will literally strangle you!" No she wouldn't. But the contractions were coming on strong and painful, and Ashley was leaning more and more towards anger and yelling to try to get through it. If he knew how much this hurt, Roo would get it too.

She slid into the cab, groaning as another sharp pain rippled over her. "We better get there quickly. I want all the damn drugs to take this pain away."

Roo:

Roo had two choices. Choice number one, continue to be lippy and snip back at Ashley, possibly risking his own life in doing so. Or choice number two, drop the attitude and allow himself to be overwhelmed by panic. He preferred choice number one.

"And then you'll be stuck doing all this stuff by yourself," he retorted. "You may hate me, Princess, but I don't think you want to do this alone." A breath passed before he added, "Don't worry. We'll be there soon! It'll be ok..."

Ashley:

Ashley didn't want to be logicked in that moment. Not even a little bit. And the sharper and quicker the labor pains were coming, the less tolerant Ashley was for him sassing her back. "I will punch you in the face. See if I don't."

He was too much of a goodie goodie to leave her here anyway. That much she was certain of. She sucked in another shaky breath as the next contraction had her contorted, gripping onto the car door. "Fuck."

Roo:

Roo knew he should probably tone down the snark, he really did. Ashley was in a lot of pain and it was half his fault. But it was really hard when Ashley was threatening violence.  Besides, he sort of thought keeping her mad might be a good strategy to help her get through this. A distraction, of sorts.

So he snorted. "Well, that's just rude don't you think? What did I do to deserve getting punched in the face?" He half wondered what the cab driver thought of them. Thankfully they were almost there, just a few more blocks to go.

Ashley:

Ashley scowled. "Are you bloody serious right now?" Did Roo honestly think that she cared about how rude she was being? Of the two of them, who was delivering a baby? That's right. It was Ashley A., doing all the damn work.

She grit her teeth as the next contraction hit, groaning as the car hit a bump in the road. This was going to be awful. The cab finally pulled up in front of the hospital, and Ashley tried to straighten herself a little and grimaced. "I'm...ahh I hate to admit it but I'm going to need help. These contractions are coming on so fast and intensely and it's hard to even think through them, let alone do anything else."

Roo:

Roo had never felt such mixed emotions before. He was equal parts terrified to jump into the unknown, worried for Ashley and the baby, and annoyed that she was sniping at him in spite of everything they'd been through together. His instincts insisted he should snipe right back, but then she hissed with pain and he was back to the brink of panicking.

"Yeah, I gotcha—" he said quickly, slipping out his side of the car and hurrying over to help her up, slipping an arm around her shoulders to support her as he carefully pulled her until she was standing. "We just need to get to the front desk, the secretary said they should be expecting us."

Ashley:

"Oh thank god." Ashley stumbled out of the car with him, leaning her weight heavily against him as someone came around with a wheelchair to help bring her in so she wouldn't have to be using him for support the whole time. She didn't even think he could hold her and the weight of the baby up for that long.

Another contraction hit and she found herself bending over, swearing a string of curses. "They're so close together. They're not far apart at all anymore." That couldn't be good right? After all, Ashley still needed help with the pain, and to be checked out and everything. The baby couldn't be coming this fast. She needed him to wait just enough that she could be properly drugged up.

She could feel the baby pushing down heavier though, and her heart started picking up speed. "We...we need to hurry. I think. Roo...can you...do we need to check in?"

Roo:

For the record, Roo was stronger than he looked. That didn't mean he wasn't grateful for the wheelchair, however, considering it was probably slightly more comfortable (and safer) for Ashley than trying to stumble through the doors. He was thankful the orderly was there to help seeing as he was feeling super shaky at the moment.

The tone of her voice didn't help. He could tell she was just as scared as he was and that actually kind of freaked him out. If the strongest girl he knew was scared, that was saying something. He nodded, hurrying alongside the wheelchair as they went through the automatic doors leading to the main lobby of the hospital and made a beeline for the front desk.

The receptionist looked up expectantly as Roo explained their situation. "Um...hi. Er—I-I'm Romeo Derosa and this is Ashley Armbruster. Doctor Hayes is expecting us." He paused, glancing down at Ashley who had tensed up with another contraction before adding. "We're having a baby. Like. Right now." He knew he sounded like an idiot. Obviously Ashley was having a baby, but he'd felt the need to explain something, so he did.

Ashley:

An orderly came around and started pushing Ashley toward one of the hospital rooms. Ashley's grip on the side of the wheelchair was painfully tight, and she only really let go when the orderly helped her up and helped her change out of the damn Mother Earth robes and into a hospital gown.

"How far apart are the contractions now?" A nurse asked as she came in to assist and help Ashley climb into the bed. Ashley blew out a pained breath, a pained groan escaping her with the next contraction. "Ahh...they...they can't be more than 2 minutes apart now. They're...ow. They're really close together."

The nurse was careful but quick in asking Ashley to part her legs and let her have a look, humming as she stepped away. "Yes, it looks like you're about ready to push sweetheart." Ashley's head jerked up at that. "W-What? No I...I need the drugs...the painkillers. I'm not ready."

"Oh honey. Your body seems more than ready to get that baby out. We can't administer anything now. I'll just go and fetch the doctor and we'll get to it." Ashley shook her head. "No no no you don't understand. I had a plan, and that plan was alll the drugs that I could possibly be allowed! Roo! Roo you tell her I need them!"

Roo:

It was—time to push? Roo's brain went numb at the statement. It was...time! Oh god. IT was time! And without the medication—oh crap. Ashley was not going to be happy about that.

"Er—are you sure?" he asked, swallowing hard. "Is there any way we could, I don't know. Give her the medication real quick?"

He cringed away from the sharp look the nurse gave him. "That baby is coming whether you all are ready or not. There isn't time for the medication to take effect. Now scrub up!” She gestured to the nearby sink and the folded hospital gown on the counter.

Ashley:

Shit.

Shit shit shit. Ashley was not ready for this. She had never been ready for this, but now here in the moment...she felt absolutely petrified. 9 whole months and she still didn't feel she was fully prepared for the baby she was having. What the fuck had she gotten herself into?

She thought about her own mother, and how likely it was that Emily Armbruster had simply had a c-section and been as distant from her kid as possible. She thought about that and she thought about how badly she wanted to prove to be different.

Ashley groaned, slumping against the bed for a moment as the doctor and the nurse busied themselves down by her crotch...a disturbingly humbling experience. She groaned and reached for Roo with one hand. "Get over here Romeo."

Roo:

Roo quickly did as the nurse said, scrubbing his hands and slipping on the hospital gown over his clothes. They were having a baby. Like right now. He couldn't get over it. Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the scene unfolding behind him.

When Ashley reached for him, demanding he come over, he immediately went to her. Taking her hand, he squeezed it. "I—I don't know what to say that doesn't sound like some stupid platitude or whatever. But I'm here. You can yell at me all you want." He tried to smile in an encouraging sort of way but worried he was just too nervous.

Ashley:

"I will kill you!" Ashley shouted, a blatant lie, but it felt good to yell because nothing else was feeling good here. It hurt like hell and it was partially his fault. She squeezed his hand as hard as she could as the doctor finally looked up. "Alright now. Ms. Armbruster, as soon as you feel the urge to push start pushing. We'll tell you when to ease up."

Ashley took as deep breaths as she could manage, gripping onto Roo's hand tighter. This was really happening. Ashley was really about to have a baby. She leaned forward, chin tucked in as she started to bear down and push, crying out as she worked with the contraction.

"That's it. You're doing great. Again."

She shouted a string of curses as she leaned forward once again to push along with her contraction until the doctor said to stop and she let herself slump back in exhaustion for a moment. "I hate this. I hate this."

Roo:

Roo flinched when she shouted, but immediately had to stop himself from laughing out loud. Of course Ashley's go to was to threaten him bodily harm. At least that had stayed consistent, if a bit more intense in the current circumstances.

"That's it, Princess," he murmured, letting her squeeze his hand as tight as she wanted. He clung to her hand, a physical reminder he was there for her. "You got this."

When she slumped back against the bed, her reached with his free hand to brush damp strands of hair from her eyes. "At least you're costume is on point considering you're literally going to be a mother when this is all done." He knew the joke was stupid and expected her to either laugh or try and kill him with a glare. Either way, it was a distraction and distractions were exactly what was needed.

Ashley:

Ashley glared at him for a long minute. "My costume would always have been on point. That was literally the purpose of it." She knew Roo was trying to help, though if she set him in her position and let him experience the pain she was feeling, she was sure he would understand her general murderous thoughts.

She straightened up to push again, letting out a furious yell as she did it, gripping Roo's hand so tight that it had to hurt as she tried to go with the contraction. "That's it. Almost there. Baby's starting to crown. Don't sit back now."

Ashley groaned, taking shallow quick breaths to try to fight through the burn and the pain of the baby's head. "Almost...okay...okay. Fuck. Ahhhhhh" She howled as she pushed again, the doctor stepping forward to gently catch the head as it came from her body. "That's it. One more big push..."

She cursed more than she had in her entire life as she gave one final big effort and pushed their baby out of her body. She fell back with a slump, struggling to catch her breath even as the doctors wiped at the baby. A moment later Ashley heard a sharp cry. That was it. She had her baby.

Roo:

Ohmygod. OHMYGOD. Oh. My. God.

It was happening. Roo couldn't believe it was really happening. He was torn between keeping his attention on Ashley and watching what was going on at the other end of the bed. He heart was thundering in his throat to the point he barely registered that his hand was near breaking point beneath the pressure of her squeeze.

"That's it. That's it. Almost there..." he was fully watching the doctor now and could catch a glimpse of the tiny body entering the world. He was speechless as he watched the nurse clean the baby, turning his attention back to Ashley, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "You did it!" he croaked, his voice caught in his throat. "He's perfect."

Ashley:

"I did it" Ashley agreed in a bit of a daze, shuddering as she struggled to catch her breath again. She sat up a little as the doctor and nurse finished with the baby, cutting the umbilical cord and stepping forward to offer the baby, their baby Asher to her.

Ashley saw her vision start to blur as they gently set Asher into her arms, cradling him to her chest as she sniffled and took her first look at her son. He was....well actually he was kind of gross looking, cleaned off but still sort of wrinkly and pink in a way. But gross looking or not, he was her kid, and a swell of warmth spread through her at the sight of him.

"He is perfect. Has perfect little toes and...and fingers....wow."

Roo:

Roo smiled hugely as Ashley took their the baby into her arms. He really was perfect, weird, wet, wrinkly skin and all. He reached, gently brushing a single finger over his son's head. As scary as the unknown of whatever comes next was, he was insanely happy at the moment. He had a son. They had a son.

"Wow is right, Just look at him!" Roo breathed. "Amazing."

He glanced at Ashley, his smile going crooked. "So, did you decide on his name yet?

Ashley:

"Of course." Ashley glanced down at the baby and smiled. "His name is Asher." She had known that she wanted that name for months now. It was a long time in coming, but here he was. Asher DeRosa Armbruster.

She leaned over to press a soft kiss to the baby's head before drawing away and looking over at Roo. "Do you want to pick a middle name? I'm feeling semi generous right now. Oh...and hold him too?"

Roo:

Roo pressed his lips together to keep from chuckling aloud. He wasn't sure why he was surprised that she'd given their baby an almost Ashley kind of name.

Nodding, he reached to gently take little Asher from her arms, supporting his head just the way they'd been taught in the parenting class. "Hmmm..." he hummed. "Maybe Gabriel? Asher Gabriel deRosa?" He rocked his son carefully as he looked into his tiny face. "I think he has your nose." He grinned over at Ashley.

Ashley:

"Gabriel? Hmm...I actually don't hate that." She could accept that. It was his middle name anyhow. Not as if they would use it much. Unless the kid was a troublemaker.

A tired smile spread across her face. "Darn right he does. Lucky for him. I think he's got your chin."

Roo:

"Glad to hear you don't hate it." Roo smiled, peering a bit more closely at her. The circles under her eyes were dark. She was exhausted. He looked down at their son once more, smiling at the tiny boy in his arms. Asher made a big yawn, his eyes blinking slowly. How could one child steal his heart so completely?

"I'm happy to report that we make cute babies together, " he chuckled quietly. "But seriously, you both should probably get some rest. He's already starting to fall asleep."

Ashley:

"A cute baby. Don't get any other wild ideas here," Ashley quipped tiredly. She let herself lean against the pillows of the hospital bed. "I don't want him on his own though in his little bed thing. Keep an eye on him would you?"

Roo:

"Of course, Princess. You can count on me," Roo grinned, happy for the excuse to continue holding their tiny baby boy as he settled into the chair. "Just rest. You deserve it."

Ashley:

"Great. I'm only closing my eyes for a little while." She mumbled, progressively drifting even as she said it until she passed out in the bed, utterly exhausted by the process of having their kid.

[harryscumcloth]

Malibu Nights

Please keep in mind that this story is obviously fictional and the timelines will not add up correctly as it is altered to work in favor of the story!

Contains: light smut, alcohol consumption, fluff, angst

Word count: 6.6k

He knew not to pry when it came to her personal life. She’s made it clear that she’s not too fond of her past and would rather not speak on the issues. He respected her boundaries as she did his, that’s why their friendship always worked. But when Harry oversteps the boundary with a peculiar question, will the answer ruin everything?

Tags | Playlist | Moodboard

a special thank you to my angel Lauren @harrysonlyangelsss for sticking through it with me and being my beta reader. It’s been quite an emotional roller coaster for sure. And to my baby Naila @freakymedecine for being my second beta reader and giving the best reactions.

here we go...

December 20th, 2015

She dug her phone out from the bottom of her purse when the message tone went off. Her face lit up with a smile when she saw that it was a voice message from Harry. This was their special way of communicating instead of phone calls or text messages.

She hit play and put the phone to her ear, “Hi Bean, ‘m gonna be there in ...ehmm... an hour maybe. ‘ve got your favorite.”

She had just gotten home from the last exhausting day at work before the holiday break and planned to relax by having a nice glass of her favorite red wine and soaking her aching muscles with a hot bath.

As soon as she shut the door and locked it, she pried the heels from her feet and tossed them beside the door with a thud. She began undressing while she walked to the bathroom to run the bath water, not caring where the items were landing, knowing she would gather them later in the evening.

She hit record and held the phone to her mouth, “Hi Dad,” she emphasized the word ‘Dad’, knowing that it would make Harry roll his eyes playfully, “I have plans tonight. Reschedule?” She sent it and laughed at her response.

Another message came through rather quickly. “Funny.” She ignored it and walked to the kitchen, grabbing her dearest bottle of wine from the fridge -- the one she had been waiting all week to crack open -- and a glass from the cabinet.

She only intended on relaxing for half an hour but after two full glasses, she dozed off for an entire hour and was woken up by the rhythmed beats on the door. She quickly jumped out of the bathtub and wrapped herself in a robe, hurrying to answer the door. She opened it to reveal Harry standing with his luggage in one hand and a take away bag in the other. He made a last minute decision to stop at her favorite Asian restaurant on the way to her apartment

“ ‘M disappointed in ya Bean. I told you an hour and you had me standin’ here like a bloody delivery boy.”

She folded her arms across her chest to keep the robe closed tight and ignored his comment completely, “Aren’t you supposed to be catching your flight?” He was going back to Holmes Chapel to spend the holidays with his mum and Robin while she spent hers alone in her tiny apartment in Malibu.

“It’s tomorrow mornin’. Wanted to see my favorite girl before I left.” He walked in, leaving his luggage at the door and setting the food on the counter.

“Ha! Favorite girl huh? What happened to Barbie Kardashian?” She knew he hated when she referred to Kendall as that and so she would specifically do it just to aggravate and get a rise out of him.

He smiled anyways, well aware of her intentions but not giving in to what she wanted. “We broke up. Again.”

She let out a loud gasp, throwing her hand to her chest as if she was shocked, “Again? Oh no! That’s tragic.” She was over the Hendall drama and had been since the beginning of it in 2013.

He rolled his eyes in annoyance, desperately wanting to change the subject. “Still a bit warm, figured it would’ve cooled off some.” He knew she preferred her chinese takeout cold rather than hot.

“It’s perfect, thanks bub.” She pressed a light kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I wasn’t hungry until you showed up.” She said while rummaging through the utensil drawer to find her handy spork that she specifically bought for Chinese takeout, and shoveling a decent amount of fried rice into her mouth. She hadn’t realized what she said until she turned around and saw his facial expression. His eyebrows were raised and his bottom lip tucked between his teeth, forming a small smirk.

“Wha?” She mumbled with her lips close, keeping the pieces from falling.

“Nothin’. Nothin’ at all.” He knew what she meant when she said it but he couldn’t help but imagine her meaning it in a different way. That she was hungry for him, maybe even starving for him.

“Want some?” She held the box out to him and he shook his head in refusal. “You know, I really thought you were going to miss our famous friday night fun. I was kind of upset.” She admitted.

“Well I’m here.” He gave her a quick squeeze between his arms. “Now, got me that playlist?”

It was her turn that week to put together a playlist -- the theme being sexual -- of songs that were new to her and enjoyed them enough to share with him. She searched through Spotify for days looking for songs and even asked coworkers for song recommendations. She knew he wasn’t into provocative artists, such as the type that objectify women with their repulsive misogynistic lyrics, so it was a bit more difficult but finally she had gathered a few that she was certain would be suited to his liking.

“Yes sir. Let me get you a drink first.” She padded over to the cabinet where she stored his special old fashioned glass and his favored bottles of vodka and whiskey. “What would you like?”

“Vodka.”

“Aye aye Captain.” She said as she unscrewed the cap and filled the glass three fourths of the way to the rim. Her hands were unsteady as she handed him the glass, “Go out on the balcony and wait for me. I have to get dressed.” She shooed him towards the door and handed him her phone. “Have a look.”

“You can keep it on, I don’t mind.” He took a big gulp from his drink, curling his lips against his teeth as the bitter liquid ran down his throat. It was more so a demand than a suggestion. He raised his glass to her with a nod of his head before he stepped out on the balcony, taking her phone with him.

It was obvious to both of them that the vibe changed during that moment. She pondered on switching into something more acceptable, like her over worn sweats and a t-shirt, or continue wearing the skimpy robe and risk it coming undone and having it exposed her. Of course she was feeling a bit frisky and overly confident after his comment, but he was her best friend. She felt guilty even thinking of him in that way.

While she rummaged through her clothing, Harry looked through the playlist. His view was cut short by the incoming call screen showing a number that wasn’t saved in her contacts and a number he wasn’t familiar with. “Bean! Do you want me to answer?” His voice was loud enough for her to hear.

“Yeah!” She shouted back, pulling on a pair of her favorite leggings and her go-to oversize t-shirt before slipping into the kitchen to grab more alcohol, deciding on just taking the bottles out to save them a trip later.

“HellooO?” He answers, elongating the word and his voice raising an octave at the end.

He pulled the phone from his ear and looked at the screen when he heard a click through the speaker.

She placed the bottles on the table near him, “Who was that?”

Harry hummed a, “No idea… whoever it was hung up when I said hello.” She didn’t seem overly concerned as she shrugged her shoulders at him and sat down, snuggling into his side as he wrapped his left arm around her.

He’s been over plenty of times and he found it odd that he couldn’t remember a single time that he’s ever heard her phone ring but if she wasn’t worried about it, then he wasn’t either.

Instead of pouring another glass, he drank straight from the bottle. She began to fantasize over his lips and the way they wrapped around the rim of it. She would never understand how he was able to handle the disgusting and bitter taste with such ease.

“Are you visiting your parents?” He asked, curious of her plans for the next eleven days.

“Don’t think so.” She placed the bottle of wine to her lips and chugged, not wanting to get into the conversation he had started.

He pulled her in closer with a tight squeeze,“You should come with me. I’m sure my mum and Robin wouldn’t mind. They adore you.”

“I think I’ll just stay here. Kind of want to be alone anyways.” She held her head down and began to anxiously pick at the label that wrapped around the bottle.

He knew not to pry when it came to her past. She’s made it clear that she’s not too fond of it and would rather not speak on the issues. He respected her boundaries as she did his, that’s why their friendship always worked.

He gazed at her lips with desperation, not caring if she noticed. There had been an ample amount of chances to express his feelings but he was never certain on where they stood and he surely didn’t want to overstep. He could tell that she felt vulnerable with the mention of her family by how she chewed on the inside of her cheek, the way she always would when she was sad or in deep thought.

“I’ve got a gift for you, angel.” He was positive it would cheer her up.

A small smile appeared on her face and his heart warmed at the sight. “For me?” Her voice was soft and unsure.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small box. “I only know one angel.” It was gripped between his fingers ready to be opened but he paused for a moment, then added, “Well, besides my mum but she isn’t here so yeah, it’s for you. Merry Christmas bub.”

This surely brought her joy being compared to his mother. He always spoke highly of the woman who had birthed and raised him, and even after only having met Anne a few times, she could agree that she was in fact an angel.

“I’m no angel, trust me.” A nervous giggle passed through her lips. He pulled the box open to reveal a matching peace ring just like the one he owned. Her jaw dropped and she immediately looked at him in awe. “Harry, you didn’t!”

She had been bugging him about that specific ring since the day they met, apparently it was the only one he refused to take off. He considered having it put on a chain for her to wear as a necklace, but he knew that it wouldn’t layer well with her beloved gold plated name tag.

“Aw, bubs! I love it so much. Although I wanted yours,” she added emphasis to yours, chuckling lightly when he rolled his eyes at her, “this is just as great.”

As she lunged into his arms, she cupped his cheeks and pressed her lips to his. She pulled away just as quickly, her eyes wide and lips parted in both shock and embarrassment.

“Sorry.. I- uh, I have a gift for you too.” Her cheeks lit up a bright shade of red from the embarrassment. “Let me go get it.” She removed herself from his arms and scurried into the house with Harry following close behind.

He was right on her heels while walking, trying to reassure her that it didn’t matter if she had kissed him, it didn’t change anything. “Don’t be upset, you were excited and it just happened. It’s okay.”

He stopped and watched in confusion when she opened the pantry door and began to shuffle items around before she pulled out her box of cereal.

“What are you d-”

She interrupted him, “I hid it. Didn’t want you to find it while snooping.” She brought the box to the counter to pull the half eaten bag out and dug to the bottom.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His lips formed a tight line, trying his best not to smile as pink crept onto his cheeks.

It wasn’t a shock to him that he had been caught as she was very meticulous when storing her intimate wear, each item being sorted by type and color. One day he made the mistake of taking a peek while she was in the shower and a light pink shade catching his attention. He was curious to know what they looked like and didn’t think to remember their spot in the drawer, as it was tightly packed and a little overcrowded. He panicked when he realized his mistake and frantically searched for a spot where they might have belonged in and inevitably chose wrong.

“Must’ve been a ghost then.” She shot him a smile before returning to him with a small Gucci box. “Great minds think alike, huh?”

He took the box from her hand and stared at it intensely before he finally opened it. Inside was a thin, silver ring with a feline head detailed on the front, surrounded by intricate swirls and lines that added dimension to the band. He stood with his mouth agape, slowly twisting and turning the ring in all angles. He caught a glimpse of the tiny lettering on the inside of the band, squinting his eyes to see it more clearly.

Then he noticed the four tiny words that were engraved on the inside of the band. ‘You and me forever’ sat daintily upon it and almost had his eyes watering. Never had he expected his best friend to get him a gift so meaningful, and he was beyond grateful for it… and her.

“I can get you something different if you don’t like it.” She felt a little nauseous from his expression, how his brows furrowed in concentration. She sacrificed the things she loved for weeks to be able to get this. “Maybe you could even pick it out this-” Her words were cut short when his mouth collided with hers. His right hand cradled the nape of her neck, and the left cupped her cheek as he guided them backwards towards her bedroom door, a soft thud being heard once it met her back. He savored the lingering remnants of the sweet red wine that sat upon her tongue. Their lips moved together moments longer before he broke away, leaving them both hungry and craving more.

“It’s bloody amazing, y/n.” He only ever referred to her as y/n when he was mad at her, or in this case, when he realized he was in love with her. “Forever and always.”

Her fingertips grazed across the wetness that still remained on her lips and gently pulled the bottom one between her teeth, tasting the warm tang of his vodka flavored saliva. Her eyes were filled with lust while she watched the man before her, reach for the door knob behind her. “I-...”, a wide grin spread across her face, “I was going to show you earlier but there were a lot of… distractions.”

He smirked and folded his arms across his chest. “What were you gonna show me?”

She swung the door wide open and clasped her hands together in excitement as Harry entered the newly revamped bedroom. “What’da ya think?”

She started saving up money when she grew tired of her child-like bedroom that had been covered in pink since she moved in. She was 21, soon to be 22, and felt that it was time for a sophisticated vibe to her home.

He strolled around the room to observe the new furniture and decor. Her knick knacks and stuffed animals were now put away, which instantly tidied up the space. The curtains and duvet were no longer hot pink, but a light shade of grey, and the furniture was now black instead of white. His eyes stopped at the foot of the bed and he smirked when he saw a pile of dirty laundry.

“Still the same, huh?” He referred to the pile by pointing. His index finger hooked under the pair of red, lacy underwear on top and lifted them playfully. He couldn’t help but imagine how they looked look on her and if it was part of a matching set.

“I’m doing laundry tomorrow, thank you. That’s not what I was even talking about.” She snatched the panties and scoffed at him. “I’m talking about my bed. Thought I might need it for when I start dating, y’know?” He knew it was silly to assume that she had been fine on her own all this time. A feeling of jealousy came to the pit of his stomach but he had to play it cool.

“It’s nice. Bigger, yeah?” He would normally sleep in the bed with her, but the thought of her needing a king bed brought wild thoughts to his mind and had him thinking maybe he should take the sofa instead. “You, dating? Didn’t think I’d live to see the day.” Her jaw visibly dropped, shock clearly evident upon her features. Her next blink was prolonged as she was in disbelief at his choice of words. She reached out to swat his bicep but accidentally used more force than intended, leaving a glowing red hand print and a slightly painful stinging sensation. They both burst out into laughter as he let out a playful whine.

She hadn’t been on a date in over a year. It isn’t that she didn’t want to, she had been flooded with extra assignments at her job, leaving her with little to no personal time. And when there was personal time, she spent it with Harry if he was around.

“Well, I’ve been bored.” She plopped onto her back in the middle of the bed. “You’re always traveling and lately you’ve been hard to reach.” He tugged his shirt and skin tight jeans off, leaving them laying on the floor, and joined her on the bed. “And besides, I require physical attention just like you.” There’s an awkward silence as he debates in his mind on whether or not to ask such an intimate question but he’s dying to know.

"When did someone get you off last? And I don't mean yourself or that vibrator I know you're hoarding.” He queried, his curiosity getting the better of him. He’d spent more time in her apartment than in his own house over the past year and although he pretended that he didn’t know, he knew very well where her stash is hidden. He found it months ago while searching for a bar of soap under the bathroom sink.

Her face turned red instantly. She nervously bit her finger while thinking of the last time she was touched. The scenes replayed in her mind often and they could never be forgotten. She flips onto her stomach, crossing her ankles in the air and propping her face in the palms of her hands. “Do you really want to know?” She batted her lashes at him as she giggled.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t really want to know, now would I?” He was expecting it to be some bloke from a random hookup. She hoped and prayed he wouldn’t ask who because she would never admit it to anyone if she were sober but here she was, possibly about to admit it to the one person she was trying to prevent from being hurt. It was the ultimate betrayal and he would be devastated if he knew.

“March.” Her hands immediately flew to her face to shield her eyes from his reaction.

His eyebrows lowered when he started counting on his fingers to determine how many months ago it would have been. “Nine months ago? Bloody hell! That’s the time it takes to grow a baby!”

She quickly decided to change the subject, “So I assume you were snooping and found my stash of toys. Great to know” her voice full of sarcasm.

“What stash?” He had the brilliant idea to play dumb. “But don’t try and change the subject now sweetheart. I need to know who and how.”

He only had enough confidence to dig deeper because of the alcohol flowing in his veins. They had never discussed sexual matters before, but she gave a slight introduction to the topic when she insinuated that she needed a bigger bed just for dating. It still didn’t give him the right to ask such questions, but he did anyways.

“Fine. I will tell you how but not who.” She gave a deep and dramatic sigh, “It was at the last formal event I went to back in March and I was looking around for you but you were doing something somewhere and I literally ran into this guy and it went from there. Back to his place.” She shrugged her shoulders, “That’s all.”

“Wait,” His eyes looked up and to the left, as if he was trying to remember something, “I remember looking for you but you had disappeared.” He paused for a while longer, letting the anticipation grow heavier. “I couldn’t find Zayn either…” His eyes fell to her face and her eyes grew wide with fear. “Did you leave with him?”

“No! I don’t know who he was.” She lied through her teeth. She hated that she felt the need to lie but he would be disgusted with her if he knew.

Her smile faded slowly while she looked at him. His body was stretched out with his arms folded above his head. Her eyes wandered back and forth across him, taking in every dip of every curve that his sculpted abdomen had to offer.

“Something wrong?” He was concerned by the look on her face. Her eyes were held low and heavy as if she were sad.

Everything about this man drove her absolutely insane. He was never ashamed to be himself and he carried so much pride in it. He would always see the best in a person and he loved everyone.. even when he shouldn’t. He would never show that he was angry, he would keep calm and not raise his voice. He’s the most respectful human being that she has ever met and it was undeniable that she was totally in love with him.

She whispered a faint “I want you.” The liquid courage she had indulged in earlier stood no chance to her nerve wracking confession. A lump had risen in her throat faster than she could try to swallow it back down.

He brought his arms back down to his sides and propped himself up on his elbows, looking at her with such determination. He had imagined those words coming from her sweet little mouth more than he’d ever be willing to admit. His dick quickly stiffened and stood erect in his boxers.

“Then have me.”

She was at a loss for words when his response wasn’t how she pictured it in her head. Her intuition told her that he was going to reject her advances and leave her in the friend zone, or possibly even end their friendship. They were both hesitant to make the next move, but she had already made the first and second when she kissed him out of excitement and just then when she made her confession, so it was time he took matters into his own hands.

He was curious of the playlist as he still hadn’t listened to it. It was the perfect time to put it to the test. “Pass me your phone angel.” He playfully demanded with his palm up, elbow still dug deep into the mattress.

She lowered her eyebrows in confusion. “For what?” She cautiously placed it into his palm with her hand still lingering moments after.

He didn’t say a word while he typed her access code in and swiped through the set of apps until he found the right one. “Guess we chose the right theme this week.” He smirked as the melody of Closer by Kings of Leon began to play.

“Harry!” She squealed as she launched herself over him to grab the phone from him. “Give it to me!”

His arm stretched farther away, causing her to topple over onto him. She scrambled to remove herself from his stomach but he gripped her waist to keep her in place. His breath hitched in his throat as her thigh grazed over the thin material covering his length and their eyes met instantly. She pulled away once more, only to be held in place by his strong grip. His eyes flickered back and forth between her eyes and lips, showing his silent debate as he searched her eyes for approval. His words were breathy as he asked, “Are you sure you want this?”

“I want this.” She leaned in close to whisper in his ear, “I want you.”

He shuddered under the warmth of her body as she left tiny love bites below his ear. His hands were still on her waist, pushing her down to grind on his lap. His eyes shut as a guttural moan formed deep within his throat as she hit the exact spot. She remembered him mentioning his sweet spot during a late night conversation and it had been stored in her mind ever since. She fantasized about this very moment for months, wondering what noises he would make, or if his skin was as easy to mark as it looked. She trailed her lips from his neck to his chest, leaving a mark with every kiss. She only pulled away to look up at him quickly. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to do this,” She spoke, her lips swiftly reattaching to him. Her tongue swirled around his left nipple, gently giving it a nibble as her hand blindly found its way under the waistband of his boxers.

“Angel pl-” His words were cut short by another guttural moan when her hand halfway wrapped around his length and began to pump him slowly. She gazed at him through her lashes, curious of how he looked while being pleasured. His eyes were tightly screwed shut, crows feet appearing deeper than normal, and his lips were a deeper shade of pink, slightly dry from the rapid pants, and they were parted in sheer bliss. “I really want to kiss you.”

She stopped in her tracks and slowly trailed back up the path of her marks, leaving kisses on each one and finding her way back to his jaw. His breathing became uneasy as she neared the sweet spot below his ear once more, wincing at the now familiar warmth from her breath. “Say it again,” her teeth connecting with the tip of his earlobe.

“Please… I want to kiss you.” His lips started to quiver in desperation, begging to feel hers pressed to them, his mind racing with anticipation.

It was a new experience for him to be the one begging and pleading. Normally it was the other way around with him being the one to call the shots but she had him in the palm of her hand the second her lips hit the right spot on the first try. He was wrapped around her finger in the best way possible. Her mouth hovered over his as she darted her tongue out in a teasing gesture, grazing his lower lip ever so gently.

She placed her hand under his neck, slowly lifting his head up from the pillow, her other hand still pumping him as she roughly pressed her lips to his. Their mouths parted instantly, allowing their tongues to collide. His hands cupped her the sides of her face, leaving his fingers to disappear into the tangled mess of her hair. His moans were silenced by her lips encapsulating his completely as she kissed him harder. His thrusts became coordinated with the rhythm of the pumps, silently signaling that he needed more

She needed to taste him and she couldn't wait any longer. Her teeth caught his lip, pulling and letting go as she removed her mouth from his. She started off with slow, soft kisses on his chest before dragging the tip of her tongue down the center of his stomach, ending at the patch of hair below his belly button. She peppered light kisses around the area, continuing to pump him slowly and placing herself down on his knees for easier access. Her eyes were trained on his expression as she tugged his boxers down his thighs. “Better than I imagined.” Her words were slurred, an obvious sign of intoxication. Her tongue barely made contact with the tip before he stopped her.

“No no no no stop.” He frantically sat up, holding her back by her shoulders. “I can’t let you do this.”

Her eyes filled with tears as she sat back on her feet. “I... thought you wanted me…” Her voice was shaky while she fought to keep the tears from falling.

“Baby I do, believe me, I do… but not like this. I’d never forgive myself.” He gave her a sympathetic look while his thumb swept away the single tear that had fallen onto her cheek. “I want you completely sober.”

She held onto his wrist as he cradled her cheek with the palm of his hand, gently rubbing his thumb across the soft and delicate skin. He felt awful denying y/n of what she wanted. Before now, he could never say no to her, no matter what the situation was. It was the natural pout that her mouth would form when she was relaxed.

She hadn’t spoken one word yet. She was in a daze with her lip tightly tucked between her teeth, still sat upon her feet. She needed better reassurance than what he had offered. She was mortified by her actions, leaving her frozen in fear. She was scared that she had ruined everything by making advances at him, thinking that maybe she had misread the signals.

“Angel, listen. I promise I want you. I want you more than anything —- I always have. But I would be taking advantage of you and it wouldn’t be fair to you. I would be bloody sick if you woke up in the morning and hated me for it.”

“I could never hate you.” She blurted softly.

“But if you did, I’d hate myself for it. I’m always going to want you… but I just can’t right now. I’m sorry angel.” He grabbed her hands, squeezing tightly, “But right now, you need to get your seven hours of sleep so you won’t be cranky in the morning.”

She let out a small giggle while twisting the rings on his fingers, “Can I drive you to the airport?”

His face lit up with a smile. He was hoping she had gotten the hint when he proposed that she should sleep now, leaving her wondering why she would be getting up early. “I was hoping you’d offer. Wanted you to be the last person I saw before I left.”

—

Harry had fallen asleep rather quickly after the lights were turned off, which left her awake and deep in her thoughts. She tossed and turned for what felt like hours and even scrolled on her phone for a bit before she finally fell asleep. Not even two hours later, she woke up with a throbbing ache between her legs. She couldn’t stop imagining him down there -- something she had been doing long before tonight. The aching became too painful to ignore and she knew how her body wouldn’t be satisfied until it got what it wanted.

She crept out of the bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. After every step, she turned and checked to make sure he was still sleeping soundly. She peaked once again before she lightly shut the door and locked it. The cabinet door under the sink let out a loud creak when she opened it, she paused to listen for any movement from outside of the bathroom, and continued when she assumed it was clear. She grabbed her best vibrator and positioned herself comfortably on the countertop.

Normally Harry was quite the heavy sleeper but he had been drifting in and out of sleep, his thoughts kept him from falling into a deep slumber. He was completely woken by the loud creak that echoed from the bathroom. Minutes had passed before he finally got up to go check on her, thinking that maybe she was sick from the alcohol or actually had to use the bathroom. There was a buzzing sound that became more apparent as he neared the door and he knew exactly what was going on. A smirk appeared on his face as he knocked on the door, “Are you okay?”  He leaned against the wall and waited for her reply.

She had finished just in time to hear Harry knocking on the door, asking if she was okay. She wanted to say she was more than okay, but as she opened the door and shut the light off, all she could do was let out a “mmmhmm.” He was propped against the wall with his arms crossed as well as his ankles. He had a devious smirk painted on his face and she knew she had been caught, but she wasn’t going to admit it. She was thankful that it was still dark, aside from the little nightlight in the corner of the room, because her face was cherry red as she walked back to the bed with him following closely behind. She lifted the covers and slid back in while he did the same, and she faced the opposite way from him. His words were soft as he asked, “Feel better?”

She couldn’t help but smile and giggle before replying a shy “Yeah”. She thought that was the end of the conversation, but he didn’t let it die without a cheeky comment.

“Your toothbrush is very loud. Thought it was a lawn mower for a second there.”

She pulled the pillow over her head to block out his voice, desperately trying to ignore him.

——

December 21, 2015

“Don’t leave.” She held his one hand with the both of hers, tugging him closer over the armrest. He grinned at the sight of her bottom lip protruding just as a child’s would when they didn’t have their way. Her eyes threatened tears while he sat with his head cocked, an amused looked plastered on his face.

“ ‘M comin’ back Angel. No need to be upset.” His thumb swept across her bottom lip, prying its way between them. He loved to see her pretty little lips hang when she pouted. She opened her mouth slightly, allowing only the tip to slip in. “Be good for me, alright?”

She scoffed and spit his finger out, “I’m always good for you.”

He tutted his tongue, “Not last night you weren’t. Quite the opposite if I‘m remembering correctly.”  

He was running short on time but he wanted to spend every last second with her before he absolutely just had to leave. He had been away from her too many times, but it was different this time. He had never seen her so vulnerable about him leaving.

“I have to go now Bean. We can chat during the flight, yeah?” He leaned closer, wrapping his hand to the back of her head and pressed his lips to hers, slowly letting his tongue enter for a quick second. She didn’t want the kiss to break, but he really had to leave. “Wasn’t a good idea.” He said as a huge smile appeared on his face, showing his deep dimples.

“Why not?” Her hand flew to her mouth to pluck at her lips.

“My dick is rock hard now.” And with that, he shut the door and gathered his luggage from the trunk and giving her a heavy wave goodbye.

---

It was later on in the day when she had made it home. She stopped to run a few errands and window shop a little. She had been talking to Harry up until he stopped responding around an hour ago. Figuring that he had fallen asleep, she didn’t think much more of it and found herself lounging on the couch watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. Another hour had passed before her phone’s message tone went off and she saw a message from Harry. She opened it expecting it to be a voice message but instead it was just a text message, something they hardly ever sent. The text contained a link to a video.

Harry: is this about you?

She shakily clicked on the link, immediately overwhelmed with emotion.  Zayn Malik, former boy band member, SPILLS ALL in an exclusive interview for his brand new album!

What made him ask if it was about her? Zayn promised her he would never mention it again, but clearly he’s a liar.

After watching only three short minutes of it, she quickly became annoyed, wondering why Harry would send her this link. It had nothing to do with her, so why was he asking if it was about her? She listened for a few seconds longer before hearing the interviewer’s question that caught her attention.

Interviewer: “I had a lot of different emotions while listening to the album and was wondering, is it about a relationship? Or maybe even just a hookup?”

Zayn: “It was both, you know? But the girl I was in a relationship with wasn’t the girl I hooked up with.”

Interviewer: “What do you mean?”

Zayn: “So I’d recently gone through a tough breakup and there were so many emotions going through my mind, hence why the album is called Mind of Mine. It was weird. Then there was this night that I was out and I bumped into Y/- uh her and we had met through a mutual friend but I’d known her for a while and you know, things just... happened.”

Interviewer: “So it was like a rebound?”

Zayn: “Not really. We were just two people who needed some love for the night and I haven’t actually seen her since.”

Interviewer: “Do we at least get this girl’s name and maybe have you confirm which songs are about her?”

Zayn: “I think it’s pretty obvious which songs are about her. To make it easier, there are five of ‘em.”

Interviewer: “She must’ve left one hell of an impression for you to write not one, but five songs about her, yeah?”

Zayn: “She was great. I had a great time. I’ve never met anyone who matches my sexual aura in the way she did.”

Interviewer: “Does she know these songs are about her?”

Zayn: “I guess she will now.”

She was sick, feeling as if she could empty her entire stomach’s contents onto the floor. He promised her that he would never tell a soul about that night but he went and wrote fucking songs about it. She was absolutely mortified that Harry had seen it and noticed that Zayn had accidentally slipped and said her name in a stupid interview and didn’t even think to warn her beforehand! She could barely keep a grip on her phone properly with her hands shaking uncontrollably as she paced around her apartment. No, no, no, no! This cannot be happening right now.

Her voice was breathy and full of panic as she recorded the message trying to explain but her words failed her as she became tongue tied and they jumbled together, leaving her with only one option -- a text message.

Y/N: Harry… I can explain.

[yououghtaknow]

5, 29 and 30? Also, I read all four seasons of Skam Brighton over quarantine and it was fantastic! The changed storylines were so refreshing and I’m so excited for season 5 💛

hi!!!!! thank you so much for asking and thank you so much for reading <3.

29. which version (og + adapts) does yours most closely resemble?

hmm. well i would say skam austin, definitely, as a western english speaking remake. also with the dance team/theatre club vibes and the music aspect. also skam españa, definitely, with the centring of the girls' stories and just the beautiful friendship tone of it all, which is what i really wanted to get across. also some druck in there, with the realism and fixing the trans wrongs they did. and alistair fletcher has the drama of skam france, just as a character. what do these remakes all have in common? canon wlw. which was the main thing i wanted to write in this remake. skambr has 11 canon named wlw characters who have all played major-to-minor roles in the plot of each season, with 5 of them being members of the girl squad and three of them being mains and having wildly different experiences with their attraction to women because you can’t sum up the lgbt experience with just one person.

30. free choice! just give us some fun facts about it!

fun fact: i have never physically been in brighton. i would like to be one day, but i will most likely not get there before the series finishes.

second fun fact: i was originally planning to write a skam remake set in derry, northern ireland before i wrote skam brighton. that idea has morphed into something else that i plan to write, but it is a fun fact!!

and now. the big one.

5. what are some iconic soundtrack moments?

here we go lads, seasons 3 and 4, like promised.

season three

tw for discussion of mental illness and suicide, drug abuse and violence throughout.

trailer

WE START OFF!!!! WITH A BANGER!!! "tainted love" by soft cell. it’s an iconic 80s banger that we all know and love, about a toxic relationship, and we see a type of favourite character that is niche to me (the guy with perfectionism/parental issues who did some fucked up stuff in a piece of media who not a lot of people like). it’s jake baby. it’s about him living his life and being like “i feel like i have to run away from all of this” (a sentiment which shall be echoed later on). and jake with all of his different masks…….. i was ahead of my time.

episode one

we open with “say amen (saturday night)” by panic! at the disco which is. kind of yikes now, but the song does have the vibes i desired for the opening scene. a party-esque banger. lyrics like “i pray for the wicked on the weekend / mama, can i get another amen?” for the catholic imagery and mommy issues. also panic! is known throughout history to be an lgbt band. 

then we get “get out of my head” by redlight”, just for the mental illness of it all. also it has been said that i do love a good party song with deeply depressing lyrics about the main playing in the background <3. 

and then we get me ripping off druck with “idontwannabeyouanymore” by the theorist playing because i just wanted to use a piano cover of the song because silence with just instrumental is just very dynamic and mentally ill. 

and then we meet eleanor with “insane” by sonny fodera and biscits, which is basically just the lyrics “girl you make me go insane” because. well. you hate to see it folks, but we gotta foreshadow the internalised ableism and the hating one woman as a treat.

and to close off a very music filled first clip, we got “drive” by halsey, a staple of tumblr culture back in the day because it is just like “all we do is think about the feelings that we hide”. literally when you are gay and alone and are just so desperate for someone to see you but also so deeply afraid of it because that means change coming <3 

AND THEN!!!! we meet the love of my life ms christine love as she hums “express yourself” by madonna as she cleans the house. i wanted to give christine a lot of 80s music in her scenes, to show that she’s living in the past in regards to jake’s dad. also it’s just a good song, “you gotta make him express how he feels” is me writing any of the characters having dialogue.

AND THEN BABY!!!!!!!!!!! we get a moment i love so deeply. “mama who bore me/reprise” by the sweet signatures. an all female acapella cover of the iconic spring awakening song. this song has everything - heavy metaphor about sex, wanting your mum to tell you shit, catholic imagery, teen angst, amazing belting. we get the slow part as jake is alone and just trying to work out how to help his mum, and then get the ANGRY BANGER as jake goes out to play with his dogs to get his frustrations out, because at the end of the say, all of these characters are still kids <3

then we get “young (club mix) by jaded because i just wanted kind of boring straight party music for the bryan and rory scene. 

BECAUSE THEN LGBT COMMUNITY!!!!! we get jake’s dramatic walk down the hallway as “somebody to love” by queen plays. it’s about the catholicism, it’s about the being gay, it’s about the being so fucking lonely and just wanting somebody!!!!! also the parallel between jake’s lonely scene with “somebody” playing and liz’s crowded scene with “nobody” playing…. it’s about mentally ill people being different but also the same <3

AND. NOW. THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. we meet Him. the most valid theatre kid rep in the world. mr alistair thomas fletcher, who enters our lives singing “shallow” from a star is born under his breath as he washing his hands. once again, i’m ahead of my time. but also the first lines al sings are, metaphorically, him talking to jake. like “aren’t you tried trying to fill that void / or do you need more”. and then we begin a piece of foreshadowing most pleasing to me. alistair in season 3 and the recurring motif of falling, which will climax at the end of episode 10. also foreshadowing of his experiences with bipolar disorder with “in all the good times i find myself longing for change / and in the bad times i fear myself”. and we also begin the motif of jake interrupting al’s singing. 

(you may be thinking, isaac tumblr user nickhealy, you’re putting a lot of thought into this. that’s because out of all of the characters, al’s the one who never really expresses himself with his words or actions - he usually expresses himself primarily through music, which is a very fun and autistic thing of me to write.)

(also, the og episode 1 bench scene did make me feel very. not good as a gay trans guy, with all the talk of penises and such. it’s just very sexy of me to change it to al talking loudly about ballet and elton john. and then we get jake up on the balcony and al down yelling up at him. because i have literally never referenced anything subtly in my life)

and we end with “how does it feel” by m-22. like: “how does it feel when your walls fall down /  how does it feel when you're lost and found / how does it feel / it's the sweetest sound”. like it’s about jake meeting al, king of not being Good At Social, fletcher, and instantly being like “yes, husband material, thank you”.

episode two

(yes, this episode is titled after the gay hsm song. yes i’m a genius)

we open, as all good things do, with a fun homoerotic punk song with catholic imagery “east jesus nowhere” by green day. it’s just jake being like “i am Trying to find the instagram of a cute guy outside of church, love being a sinner”.

and now we see the beginnings of Sad Boy Jake, with “it’s ok, i wouldn’t remember me either” by crywank. we got “i am looking for an easy place / to mask my thoughts behind my face” and “i can hide from friends but i cannot hide from you” because he’s gay and he has depression. 

AND THEN!!!! we get “i like you” by dandelion hands playing as he comments supportive things on the youtube video of al….. literally jacob love will see a pretty boy one time and be like “last time i had you i should have kissed you”. also his alternate name being jack valentine…. valentine and love ugh my brain is so big

AND THEN!!!!!!! slow mo time, with “bite” by troye sivan…… a gay classic, if i do say so. like it’s about jake seeing al casually walk past, being all prententious and out, and jake’s just like “please set me free and let me walk beside you” because of the gay experience of simutaneously wanting to be a person and kiss them.

and then we get “the daisy chain” by the growlers. “feeling pressure on every side” and “tired of waiting to be explained / weakest link in the daisy chain”. it’s just the vibes babe.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! a brilliant moment in my bare a pop opera stanning career - we get jake watching a bootleg of bare 2004 as “role of a lifetime” from the show plays. literally one of the most gorgeous songs ever written, sung by matt doyle. like everything is an act when you’re pleasing everyone - which could be the tagline of skam brighton as a whole. also jake watching “see me” and beginning to tear up because he’s afraid to come out to his mother and get the same negative reaction….. and him watching “cross” and sobbing because he relates to jason so much and feels like he would also be better off dead than gay….. 

BUT AFTER THAT!!! we smash cut to al as jeremy in be more chill, singing the beginning of “more than survive”. absolute king shit!!!!! also, i don’t remember if it’s mentioned in canon, but eleanor is the person who plays the squip in this production of bmc, because i am not!! subtle!! with!! my!! metaphors!! 

and we return to sad boy jacob with “swear to god the devil made me do it” by the front bottoms, chosen because references to the devil and mommy issues <3

AND THEN!!!! A MOMENT OF GREAT FORESHADOWING!!! we get mister alistair fletcher practising alone in a theatre because he is dramatic, and jake walking in as he sings “broadway here i come” from smash. we got references to saints, we got hints at al’s anxiety, we got the falling motif coming back in a song explicitly about jumping off of a building, that also doubles as a song about wanting to do theatre….. also, al plays the last note wrong as a metaphor for al’s plan of suicide going well until the very end, where he ends up alive and goes home.

(side note, we also got the football team’s jackets and signature colours being black and white (straight pride flag colours babey) and then we see al in bright yellow. it also represents jake’s depression and al’s mania, the everything and the nothing of it all.)

AND THEN!!!! we get manic (in the most literal sense of the word) pixie dream boy al asking jake to dance with him to “movement” by hozier because. it’s literally just such a beautiful song. and jake is just watching al dance like “hm. no thoughts head empty just pretty boy”. also the scene itself is a reference to wicked, with jake doing an awkward and stilted dance and al taking it and turning it into something graceful (the glinda and elphie scene in dancing through life)

and then we get the return of blue neighbourhood with “youth” by troye sivan playing over a smoking montage with the boys, because they’re young, they’re gay, they’re vibing

AND THEN!!!! we get “talk” by hozier playing as the episode ends - a song that of course references orpheus and eurydice, as al also did in this clip with hadestown. it also plays over ellie talking because jake is just Ignoring her to pay attention to al. also the inherent homoeroticism of making eye contact while hozier plays

episode three

we open with “highway to hell” by ac/dc over a fun football montage of jake both playing the game and getting bored and checking out guys. it’s about the thinking he’s gonna go to hell for doing it but he literally Cannot Stop

AND THEN!!!!!! a moment. we get a performance of some of “all you wanna do” from six by al and ellie and their theatre kid friends as they rehearse for something at lunch and jake, bryan and rory watch them. ellie’s doing the whole flirty k howard thing, and not actually getting into the real feeling of the song, and the guy she’s dancing with it awkward as all fuck because he’s her cousin. so we get al stepping in and fucking going the fuck off. and we see how good of an actor al really is in this scene, as he’s legit scary. we also see ellie clearly having feelings towards al and him just being like “yep good acting! moving on!!!” because no thoughts just dance. also bryan and rory not understanding that the song is about assault and jake being genuinely concerned….. and then al and ellie’s kiss at the end as ellie “dies”..... god the real reason this show isn’t made is because i would be too powerful if i could make everyone see my theatre kid mischief.

AND ANOTHER MOMENT!!!! we get “like a prayer” by madonna playing as jake is living his life and taking some “am i gay” quizzes - the questions of which are comprised of actual am i gay quizzes i took to make the scene as legit as possible, and as a gay trans person. Did Not Like. Would Not Recommend. also jake admitting he’s gay to the quiz because he’s pissed about the concept of misgendering al….. also jake forcing himself to pick the straight options even though it’s emotionally hurting him…. and then we hear christine singing in the hallway “everyone must stand alone” because it’s jake pov at the time…..

AND SMASH CUT TO!!! fall out boy’s cover of “i wanna dance with somebody”, because at the last very gay house party “i wanna dance with somebody” played and i love a good parallel

AND THEN!!!!!! literally the hottest of all hot boy summer things, we get al and esther doing some karaoke at the house party with “don’t you want me” by the human league. (which, yes, is a glee reference.) THE LITERAL COURAGE OF THIS MAN!!!! alistair fletcher looked a closeted guy, who he has had three (3) interactions with in person, dead in the eye and was like “i know you want me”. as opposed to esther “just be her friend first and then see about anything else” montner and james “I Will Never Speak To You Again If You So Wish” cohen.

and then, because of course i did, we get “bad romance” by lady gaga playing over the next scene with the beginnings of the boy squad because it’s a gay house party and it’s a fucking banger for the ages

(also just the shift from al hot boy summer fletcher to al gay disaster fletcher with him running literally out of the house because he kissed a guy.)

“left handed kisses” by andrew bird and fiona apple plays after jake and al’s deep conversation outside. like jake’s really out here like “i don't believe everything happens for a reason” and “i don't go in for your star-crossed lovers / in the heart of a skeptic / there's a question that still hovers near” because al info dumped about his love for adaptation of romeo and juliet…. (side note, al is definitely an & juliet stan, as everyone should be, stream & juliet <3)

episode four

we open with a song i discovered when i was in a community theatre rip off version of cats, “the show” by lenka. it’s about a song about indecision in the middle of a church before confession, because jake can’t actually confess to the sins he believes to be true. it’s about the “'cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something i'm not”.

And then we fade to “pink + white” by frank ocean (because mlm rights), and just like “you showed me love / glory from above / good glory, dear / it's all downhill from here” is a very al/jake line. also it’s a bop for a little football montage.

AND THEN!!!! on halloween, we get a little montage of jake dancing to “paradise by the dashboard light” by meatloaf as he makes himself a sandwich - it’s literally about just being happy and having a nice time. and also jake dancing to more old timey music because he’s going up to his parents’ old room and he’s also living in the past a little, with his childish snack and playful dancing.

(also, the phone call where al just infodumps about bare and jake’s listening and asking questions <3 it’s about the autistic love and friendship yet again)

and then we get “i’m so tired…” by lauv and troye sivan as we arrive at the very awkward ellie/jake/al pre drink, because Is Jake Not So Tired Of This Heterosexual Bullshit He Must Do.

(also, it is my personal headcanon, and therefore canon, that al convinced ellie to go with the angel and devil costumes so that he could pull up in his leo-as-romeo get up and live out his baz luhrmann esque fantasy).

AND THEN LGBT NATION!!!! we get “run away with me” by ms crj as jake and al literally run away from the party after al got misgendered and Pissed. it’s about the using romance and whimsy as an escapism from your shitty life, it’s about the being the in darkness and occasionally getting hit by the street light, it’s about the “i’ll be your sinner in secret”, it’s about the bare connotation with the “run away with me” parallels. it’s also about the song being one of the best songs ever written.

(and then we get the wedding, which, before i get into the song, is a reference to So Many Things. we got west side story with the fake wedding and first kiss, we got hadestown with al making the wedding rings from nature (a la wedding song), we got bare with wedding bells and the dream wedding, and in the scene, we get some vineyard scene from spring awakening vibes, with the discussion of the future and religion and philosophy…… quite literally i love art so much)

and then. ladies. a piece of writing written in Peak tender tumblr. al and jake have the kiss of their wedding to “pink in the night” by mitski. it’s literally about the “i know i kissed you before but / i didn’t do it right / can i try again?” of it all. like jake love voice “i glow pink in the night in my room / i’ve been blossoming alone over you”. the repression, the pining…………. i am such a talented man.

and then we end with a doctor who reference, with al saying “run”, taking jake’s hand and the two of them running out of the church as “run away with me” comes back in. it’s literally about al taking jake out of his dull life and helping him find his own happiness. it’s also about the inherent autistic culture of relating to aliens.

episode five

WE! OPEN! WITH! a song about being gay and falling in love with someone immediately after meeting them - “share your address” by ben platt. a bop for the ages. it makes me so happy, it’s a great “early stages of a relationship honeymoon stage” montage song.

(also, i just really love the detail i put in about al’s binder, because the cuddle scene with david and matteo in druck did make me worried because david was wearing his binder. like i understand why he wore it for the actor’s comfort but just the thought of sleeping in a binder…… terrible. awful. pain beyond my wildest dreams.)

(also also, al saying he couldn’t get on hormones because of “problems with his heart” is a lie, because he means because of his mental health, which is based on personal experience babey)

and then we get an iconic skam song: “talk show host” by radiohead plays as jake sits in the back of a drama club meeting, isolating himself. it’s literally about the “i want to be someone else or i’ll explode” of it all. 

and then we get “rock and roll” by led zeppelin as jake walks his dogs - just because it seems like the kind of song jake would like and it just vibed with the whole scene.

(also, the clip where jake texts al at the beginning of it and then asks bree about her family….. literally i’m so good at foreshadowing)

AND THEN!!!!! WE GET THE ICONIC!!! “involuntary teenage rebel” by clout from grandma’s closet plays as we get a jake solo slow mo. literally they were right when they said “they say i'm a teenage rebel / but i'm really just afraid of how i come across to others / and it bothers me when i look weak”. like that’s just another skam statement line babey. also it’s genuinely such a good song and literally helped inspire me to do more songwriting…. stream it 

and then we get “heaven” by avicii, chosen purely for the title being “heaven” because christianity centric season.

AND THEN!!!!! we get jake asking al to come save him from the shitty party, and al says “wait for me, i’m coming”, an obvious hadestown reference, and when he arrives, he’s singing the “la la la la la la la”s from the show. it’s because the party - where bryan, rory and ellie are - is, in al’s mind, hell, and he’s going to save jake from it. 

and then, because, as mentioned, the way al express his true feelings is through Music, we get al trying to comfort jake by playing him a song - “you matter to me” from waitress (put a pin in waitress, i’ll get back to it later). the inherent homosexuality in “come out of hiding i’m right here beside you / and i’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me”. also it’s just about mattering to someone. like, for the first time in his life, jake has someone who’s saying “i love you, you matter, i will be here for you” and he just needed that So Much. 

episode six

AND WE SMASH CUT IMMEDIATELY TO!!! “london boy” by taylor swift, a campy and beautiful bop!!!! because al Is from london and he Is a boy!!! (also, fun fact, i was going to make al be from ireland originally, but then someone in the skambr discord said this song should be used in a scene, and i was like “okay, fuck it, london time”)

(also, you can subtly see al’s mania in the london boy scene, with him coming up with quick ideas, clearly having very low anxiety through the past few episodes, and just taking off his shoes and going for a walk in a park in november…..)

and then we get “landslide” by fleetwood mac as jake lies in his dead dad’s bed. it’s really about the “can the child within my heart rise above? / can i sail through the changing ocean tides?” and about the grieving as a child and your mental health getting worse while you’re still so young and you feel like the world’s on your shoulders and you’re both an adult and a child at once……

and then……. we get “class of 2013” by mitski after christine has her breakdown and jake packs his things to run away. it’s about both of them dealing with their grief by pretending it never happened and having all of that build up inside of them until they can’t take it anymore. And i see the lyrics of “mom i’m tired / can i sleep in your house tonight?” in this specific situation as jake being tired of his father’s constant presence and he just wants to be in a house with his mother the way he remembered her before his father died. 

(and, sidenote, this is one of the saddest scenes i’ve ever written, in my opinion…...with jake being like “she’s so crazy, but i’m nothing like her” because he’s in denial of his own mental health issues and al seeing him saying that as “oh, he’ll see that i’m crazy too and want to leave”...... and al says his final goodbye to jake, using his full name, because he assumes jake will never want to speak to him again, but jake has no idea……..)

(also, jake parroting bryan’s words of “gay marriage is legal, so everything is fine” in the pride clip……. God. and the way jake’s internalised homophobia and ableism manifests in the same harmful way….)

and then we get “don’t threaten me with a good time” by panic! At the disco as they boy squad rolls up to the party in the park. it’s just a party song. no deeper meaning lads.

and then we get jake in the bathroom having a little breakdown (as a treat) to “Give me novacaine” by green day. it’s just about the using alcohol and drugs to cope with your poor mental health because you have no other quick way to make it all better. It’s about about jake trying both to numb himself and to force himself to feel something, but neither one of those things give him the results he wants.

episode seven

we open with another iconic and beautiful song: “life in italics” by clout from grandma’s closet babey. like jake love voice “all these troubles on my mind i’ve been lonely / building walls running from the old me”. thank you clout for literally writing some of the best lgbt music. 

AND THEN!!!!!!! a scene that brings me much joy. “gotta go my own way” from high school musical 2 plays in the other room as jake has a religious breakdown in a literal (storage) closet. and then al leaves the group chat and blocks jake…. like jake voice “another colour turns to grey / and it's just too hard to watch it all / slowly fade away”

and then we get “hello!” by role model as jake goes for a depressed jog and he sees bree out drinking with some random people. like “i never really talk much, keep it inside / to find someone who cares is getting harder to find / we should be dancing in the sun / it's hard when everything is numb”.

(also, at the end of that clip, we briefly shift from jake’s pov to al’s, as we see al filming in the park and he films jake running away…… do i know what this means metaphorically? not really. do i vibe hard with it? oh hell yeah)

AND THEN!!!! after jake and sandy have their beautiful conversation, we get “under pressure” by queen and david bowie, another older song, this time expressing jake’s joy as he finds some small solace with his younger self. it’s also just about the inherent homosexuality of the song and of sitting on the beach, eating chips with your best friend.

episode eight

WE BEGIN!!!! with a youtube video of ellie and al singing “wallflower” from we are the tigers. i chose this basically because i wanted to get more of a vibe of what their relationship is/was across, and also because i love the song (stream we are the tigers original off broadway cast recording). it’s also about the dynamic of the song being “shy introvert vs outgoing extrovert being very toxic friends”, and also about the ellie supporting al stuff, because she has canonically been there for him for years, just not in a very good way. also i wanted to write representation for the “had a very intense friendship with a girl pre-transition and then had a dramatic friend break up and now i’m a guy and feel disconnected from the whole thing, although it was quite homoerotic at the time” people. this scene also marked the beginning of my purely self indulgent musical number scenes, and be warned, this may the the first, but it is by no means the last.

and then it’s very music lite for the rest of the episode, until al returns, and jake’s like “hey, maybe you should stop talking to your toxic friend” and al responds by beginning to make out with him as “fuck time” by green day starts to play. the COMEDY of jake being like “seriously, i think--” and then all you hear is “OOH BABY BABY IT’S FUCK TIME”. skam brighton is a comedy show.

and then we get al “communicates through music and theatre references” fletcher beginning to sign the ASL translation of the bridge of “word of your body (reprise)” from spring awakening with jake - which is another Very tragic show - and al also literally says the line “and so you should”. and al responding to jake jokingly calling him insane by shutting him up with another kiss….. oh ladies.

episode nine

WE! OPEN! WITH! “love shack” by the b-52s as jake wakes up and sees james and al just having some Fun making breakfast in the kitchen. it’s just some boys being boys and having bants.

and then we get jake using al’s love language of music and singing “those magic changes” from grease, singing along to the jordan fisher and aaron tveit version because that song did assist in my gay awakening.

(also, al stanning female doctor pomatter in waitress and james stanning waitress as someone from an abusive household….. my mind.)

and now. we begin The Big Bad Clip. “why didn’t you stop me” by mitski plays over the beginning of jake and al’s london adventure. it’s literally about looking back on the scene as it happens in a montage and al being like “why didn’t you stop me from doing that”..... god.

(also, jake and al go to see waitress, which Has been played before, and it’s foreshadowing for how their relationship ends. jenna and jim’s relationship - the main couple of waitress - begins with them cheating on their parents and falling in love quickly in secret, but they know it’s not healthy for them to keep the relationship going, so agree to end things and part ways as friends who wish nothing but the best for each other.)

and then we get “oops! I did it again” by britney spears glee cast version, because it’s just really Sexy and Fun. also just the mentally ill experience of “oops! i did a manic episode again!”.

and then we cut between a piano version of “last night on earth” by green day, as jake sits alone in the hotel room, and “true trans soul rebel” by against me! as al walks down the streets of london, in a split pov, and then we see al having a full meltdown/breakdown in the middle of victoria station. like al voice in this scene “another night you wish you could forge, / making yourself up as you go along / who’s gonna take you home tonight? / does god bless your transsexual heart?”.

and then we get legit “last night on earth” by green day as jake walks away after ellie yells at him. just because it vibes so much.

episode ten

we open with “mystery of love” by sufjan stevens as jake walks down to al’s house, because it’s just a vibey song, and while i hate cmb//yn with the fury of a thousand suns, it Is a song written for mlm.

and then we get “better alone” by lykke li as jake researches al’s various diagnoses. and it’s just like “nobody wants to be the one to walk away / nobody wants to see the truth, then let it in, run away / nobody wants to know the ways they don't love you right” and then “i’m better alone than lonely”..... mr love

and then we get “let it be” by the beatles, a Very nostalgic old fashioned song with catholic themes and just big comforting and recovery vibes…. jake confessing his real feelings to the priest and then reuniting with christine in the church and hugging her tightly and they both agree on working on getting better….. 

and then we get to the talent show, where we see the end of ellie singing “on my own” from les mis - as jake did at the beginning of season one. is this foreshadowing? is it a coincidence? i honestly don’t know. i just chose it because basic theatre girl song.

AND!!!!! THEN!!!!!! we get the song that acts as al’s suicide note: “the goodbye song” by joe iconis (writer of be more chill and “broadway here i come” from smash). we get the return of the falling motif with “i’m flying away” and the lines that really act as what al imagines to be his final goodbye to everyone he knows, as everyone he knows and loves is in that building: “i'd stay if i could / but the universe won't let me / so please be good / and don't you forget me”, and then al turns the “aahs” at the end of the song from a catchy crowd pleaser ending to a long, painful scream as the audience slowly stops clapping, until the room is silent, and then he bows a la the emcee at the end of cabaret (a bow which is often viewed as a metaphor for the character’s death). it’s literally just al having a breakdown on stage, but he rolls a nat 20 on his performance check, and the audience are like “this is very good performance art”

we then get a flashback to “broadway here i come” because. i am a king of foreshadowing.

and then we get “wait for me” from hadestown (obc version) as jake runs to find al, and it’s about the role reversal of jake running to save al from something worse than al saving him for bryan. it’s about the repetition of “wait for me, i’m coming” because of the fear of “what if i get there too late?”

episode eleven

“a better son/daughter” by rilo kiley plays as jake looks through al’s two tumblr blogs - and the song simultaneously a very al and jake song. with the descriptions of depression and dealing with a mother with mental illness at the start, which are very jake, but then the lines “and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on / and your friends they sing along and they love you. / but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap” are just the base character description for al.

and then we get “the archer” by taylor swift as jake goes into the school again…. like he has been the archer and he has been the prey, in regards to being gay (with him helping in outing sandy and being outed himself).....

(also, fun fact about the episode, it was originally written to be from al’s point of view, but then i decided against it and had to rewrite it, which is why there’s only 4 clips instead of the usual 5 or 6)

and then, lgbts, we get “the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!” by sufjan stevens as jake walks his dogs  out on the beach and al goes to the beach to write his emo poetry…… also, fun fact, al’s poetry is the first time i’ve ever written poetry/lyrics that weren’t about me, which is very fun. 

and then!!!! at the beginning of the final clip, we got “footloose” by kenny loggins, the iconic bop from the film of the same name. just because it slaps and it’s a fun time.

(we also get some Foreshadowing with al referencing rent in this scene)

and then. transgender nation. we get “midnight radio” from hedwig and the angry inch playing over al and jake’s having fun and being dumb kids montage. 

i know riverdale made this song a meme, but it HITS. it’s about the al referencing origin of love in the cuddle clip, al saying “i laugh because i will cry if i don’t”, it’s about the “for the misfits and losers” and the “hold onto each other”. it’s literally about jake finding community and also wholeness and happiness in himself.

(also, jake talking about all the little soulmates and the fact that he believes that the boy and girl squads are all his soulmates in different ways…… and bree actually paying attention and showing some vulnerability at that point because she loves her friends so much!!!!!!!!!!)

season four

tw for discussion of sexual assault/rape, alcohol abuse and abortion throughout

trailer

lgbt community. we begins with the regrettes' cover of "don't stop me now" by queen because a) i think it's fun when women and b) it's about bree's mania that we've already seen throughout the seasons, this time from her perspective, and it's simultaneously a Fun Time and a Foreboding time.

episode one

we open with "hail mary, gentle woman" by the cathedral singers, which is literally just the prayer "hail mary", but a song. i chose this because catholic, women, and church time babey. also because it was always one of my favourite hymns growing up (because, in case you couldn't tell from half of the mains being raised catholic and lowkey fucked up because of it, i was raised catholic)

and then we SMASH CUT to "r u mine?" by arctic monkeys, a sad british teen staple, as we see bree wake up in josh's bed for the first time and take the "walk of shame" to get to church. it's about the "i go crazy 'cause here isn't where i wanna be", introducing the Mental Illness, bree's want to get out of where she's from and go to a good uni, and her literally not wanting to be in some strange guy's bed in one line. am I reading too much into this? hell yeah. but it's my show, so i can read as much as i want!!!! (also "satisfaction feels like a distant memory" is both about her depressive states and josh not being able to make her orgasm <3)

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!! we get "all i really want" by alanis morissette, the beginning of my season 4/jlp parallel hyperfixation. it's about bree kinning frankie healy and "do i stress you out?" being her @ audrey. and just bree voice "it would knock me to the floor if i wasn't there already / if only i could hunt the hunter". it's just a perfect teen angst song and it's perfectly grungy and brianna-y.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "kiwi" by harry styles playing as bree slow mos by herself down the street. it's about the just hot girl energy of the song and also the romanticization of unhealthy behaviour because that's bree, baby!!!! also we get more of the word "crazy" because of bree's internalised ableism, and we also get the chorus of "i'm having your baby, it's none of your business", foreshadowing her unplanned pregnancy done by josh, who we saw in the last scene.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "chandelier" by sia as bree and the girls have a fun party moment, but bree is still Fucked Up mentally by seeing annabell and also men being creepy. it's about the using alcohol and drugs to push away your feelings because you have a lot of trauma and have internalised ableism and have no idea how to get the help you need without being vulnerable, which terrifies you so So much. also we see that bree forgot to take her meds in this scene, which i couldn't explicitly say in the scene because spoilers, but it's a fun thing.

then we get dodie's cover of "when the party's over" by billie eilish because i like the soft piano vibes of it as bree walks home after the party, because we always see bree as "the party girl", but the party's over now and we see her petting her cat, making sure her brother's home safe, taking off all her makeup and pretty clothes, completely non sexualised, and just getting into bed to sleep because she's just So Tired. also it's about bree pretending she's happy on her own, but she's Not, she has a lot of self loathing and deeply loves her friends more than anything. also a bree/rori moment with "call me friend but keep me closer".

episode two

we open with an audition sequence!!!!! because i'm a theatre kid and love a good audition sequence!!!!

we get rori singing "sexy" from mean girls, because it's a very rori show (pink aesthetic, fun female characters, a funny time), and because it's a very maureen from rent song. also rori is just a very funny person and also has a sick high belt in my mind. also it's about her learning to like the way she looks, slowly but surely. it's also a song about changing who you are, which is a very skam brighton theme.

and then we get al singing "vienna" by billy joel, but the shortened version they did in smash, but he also plays the piano like ben platt in the politician because he's a basic white theatre boy. it's also just a beautiful song about growing up and maturing, and also "if you're so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?" is a very bree line. 

(also, the part where josh calls milo his "kid cousin" and then bree's like "yeah, milo's the same age as me" but josh ignores it…… creepy!!!!! bad!!!!!! also, side note, milo is canonically genderfluid and uses different pronouns depending on the day, which is why they change throughout the season.)

and then!!!! we get annabell singing "hallelujah" by leonard cohen, which is just a stunning song, we all know this. it's a song about faith and doubt and it's also a parallel to rori's happy go lucky song, which annabell's being slow and sad instead. also they're jewish and gay and lovely. and then the jeff buckley cover plays over the next scene because it's Good.

and then we get "feel it still" by portugal. the man as the girl squad text. it's just a fun song and the line "i'm a rebel just for kicks" is great from brianna "rebel girl by bikini kill" holland.

and then, swiftie nation, we get “new romantics” by taylor swift as bree agrees to go out with josh because she’s being self destructive. like the fact that she says yes to him as the line “we’re all bored / we’re all so tired of everything” plays say it all. and just the whole song is very bree core, as a whole, also it’s a really fucking good song. i am a 1989 (deluxe) stan.

and then we fade away with “vienna” by billy joel because it is such a good song god bless <3

episode three

WE!! OPEN!! WITH!!! “tik tok” by ke$ha because it is genuinely one of the best songs of our generation, and also it’s just a very shopping centre song. i don’t know why but it Is.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!! we get genuinely one of my favourite songs that i’ve been waiting to find the right scene for ever since i first heard it. “dog bite” by stella bridie is just genuinely a stunning song that really Gets bree’s character as a whole, especially the first lines “putting on lipstick in the bathroom at the doctor’s  / i got a party after this blood test”..... the whole Need to be perform feminity whilst doing something as simple as going to the doctor’s as bree draws herself and tries to make herself look perfect because she believes her only self worth comes from her body and just….. the vibes. immaculate.

and then we get “ophelia” by marika hackman, another beautiful song, as we see bree self destructively look through all of the cyber bullying that’s happened to her in the past as a way of emotional self harm. it’s just a genuinely depressing scene with a good song underscoring it.

but then we cut to rori and brianna out for a jog together - because both have issues with their self image, but also because they’re friends and like to do things together - as “it’s nice to have a friend” by taylor swift plays. it is a very homoerotic song, with a lot of childhood friends to lovers vibes, which is kind of what we’re going for here. they are both very deeply sad but also it is nice to have a friend and have someone there for you when you find out the cast list of the musical you auditioned for and you can hug them…….

and then!!!!! we get “...ready for it?” by taylor swift as we get another party sequence because it’s a fucking banger and also brianna is Very reputation as a person, which will be shown with some other taylor songs throughout the season. also it’s kind of a “are you ready for it?” for the Deeply Sad scene that follows the fun party sequence, because this is skam brighton, and i will always write scenes of people being sad outside/after parties.

episode four

we begin with “harlem” by new politics as bree, annabell and dean hang out at the shopping centre and fuck around in clarie’s. it’s about a funky song and about the recurring line of “like you, like me, like everybody else” of the three of them all having their mental illnesses in common and bree simultaneously feeling happy that she can be open about it, and deeply uncomfortable that she has to be open about it.

and then we get “crush on you” by elijah who as bree scrolls through instagram and looks at two pictures - one of annabell and one of rori and nick, and when she likes the picture of rori and nick, she literally taps over nick’s face so that she can just look at rori <3 it’s about the bree being a bicon.

and then we get the theatre club watching rent as a fun time!!!! we get tune up #1 and voicemail #1, just iconic numbers. we get theatre kid supreme al knowing all of the words, cool guy james doing his air guitar, and when the line “let her be a lesbian” is sung, we get annabell cheering and rori awkwardly looking away because she has internalised homophobia.

(side note, one of my favourite aspects of this season is that it’s a subversion of the past three, where we’ve seen sandy, liz and jake deal with their internalised struggles with their sexualities, but with bree and rori, rori’s the one dealing with her sexuality, while bree is in love with her quietly)

AND THEN!!!!! we open clip 5 with the iconic skam verse song “call your girlfriend” by robyn as the girl squad show up at a house party and bree and rori have a homoerotic moment

and then!!!!!!!!!!!! a moment of skamverse wlw solidarity, “blush” by rhiza plays as rori and bree kiss in the bathroom. a) because it’s a good song and b) because the whole “she's just a friend, you know, but sometimes yeah i wanna kiss her, uhm but that's just 'cause she's cute right? that don't make me gay, it's not like i like other girls like i only like her, i mean no, i'm not gay, right?” part is really summing up what rori’s going through in this scene. also the song is just a bree song. 

episode five

WE OPEN WITH!!!!!! an iconic moment, if i may say so myself. an iconic wlw song, “boyfriend” by marika hackman, plays over bree and nick out partying. like it opens with the lyrics: “i've got your boyfriend on my mind / i think he knows you stayed with me last night” and then we get “it's fine 'cause i am just a girl / ‘it doesn't count’”. i mean. come on.

we then get a snippet of “rent” from rent in a rehearsal, with the lines: “how do you leave the past behind / when it keep finding ways to get to your heart” and “how can you connect in an age / where strangers, landlords, lovers / your own blood cells betray / what binds the fabric together / when the raging, shifting winds of change / keep ripping away”, which all really relate to brianna with her trying to bury her past traumas and and how she struggles to connect and also struggles with change - and the reference to fabric in the line when she’s the person who does the costumes for the show.

and then we get “pynk” by janelle monae as bree and annabell go charity shopping together and have a nice time. It’s just a fun wlw song and i like it. also it’s boppy and happy and kind of dreamy to show how their relationship is very on the surface and not as deep as it once was and they’re not really going to get that back so it’s just really awkward. 

AND THEN!!!! we get bree panicking because she’s getting creepy messages from josh so she runs to hang out with the girl squad and works on her drawing of them, focusing on rori as “head over feet” by alanis morissette plays. this is kind of a contrast to “pynk”, with it being a song that uses real instruments as opposed to the more electro feel of “pynk” to represent the two different relationships. also the lyrics “you treat me like i'm a princess / i'm not used to liking that” and “you've already won me over in spite of me / and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet / and don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are / i couldn't help it / it's all your fault” are just Incredibly rori/brianna.

and then we get “hand solo (acoustic)” by marika hackman as we get a brief scene of bree masturbating to some not very healthy p*rn. i was hesitant to include this scene, out of fear of over-sexualising bree as a bisexual girl of colour, but then i thought i had to include the scene from a non-sexual stand point - to show how bree uses sex, even in her own mind when she’s alone, as a self destructive thing, and to show that masturbation is a normal thing to do, but also it’s a hint that bree’s state is getting a bit more manic than usual, so she’s getting more hypersexual. also for the catholic guilt of her stopping and looking up to see the cross above her bed.

when then get ortopilot’s cover of “basketcase” by green day, which is more of an acoustic version of the song. the song itself is just a Very mental illness song and just has a lot of vibes of guilt with it, and the beat of the song is very quick and manic in itself.

we then get “every breath you take” by the police playing over bree and josh’s Scary text conversation in the fish n chip shop, because it’s a creepy stalker song with Pleasant Music over it, which is kind of the Vibe i was going for with josh. also, the season came out around the same time as skames season 3, and seeing the parallels between josh and miquel, with josh being very emotionally distant and miquel being very emotionally close, but both of them having the same goal in mind and end result was very interesting to me. also both of them being very creepy old guys who should stay away from teenagers <3

but then. oh but then. we get a moment that is genuinely one of my favourites. we get the broadway cast version of “forgiven” by alanis morissette, another one of my favourite songs. i chose the broadway version because i prefer the quieter orchestration and the build up to the chorus instead of going all in on it so quickly. i chose this song because bree does parallel frankie from jlp, yes, but she also parallels mj in the fact that she’s repressing her trauma from being sexually harassed and assaulted by adult men ever since she was a child. and the song itself is very beautiful and bree core, with lyrics such as “my brothers, they never went blind for what they did / but i may as well have / in the name of the father, the skeptic and the son / i have one more stupid question” and “we all had our reasons to be there / we all had a thing or two to learn / we all needed something to cling to / so we did”. we also see bree seeking refuge in a church after being harassed by josh, because religion is the place where she genuinely feels safest, but she also doesn’t feel safe, as a bisexual woman in the catholic church, but she also knows in her heart that she is loved by god. 

episode six

WE! OPEN! WITH! “motion sickness” by ms phoebe bridgers plays as bree wakes up at liz’s house the next morning - a song literally about a shitty older man - and then bree is literally sick in the bathroom, claiming she has food poisoning from the strange fish they got last night because she couldn’t go to their usual place out of fear. but, in reality, this is morning sickness from her pregnancy, because she had sex with josh for the first time 6 weeks prior.

and then we get a scene of bree in a manic state rapidly working on costumes as “my body’s made of crushed little stars” by mitski plays. this scene is directly inspired by me in what i believe to be a manic episode staying up until 5am writing because i thought that if i stopped i would forget everything that i was thinking and never write anything good again. fun times. but also just the fast pace of the song and the very depressing lyrics and the whole “i’m not doing anything” playing over bree doing So Many Things…..

we then get a lot of silence because it’s Emotion Time, but then!!!! we get a moment very pleasing to be, “unprodigal daughter” by alanis morissette playing as bree goes to buy a pregnancy test. the song itself is just one of my favourites, and it’s also about bree kinning ms frankie healy (having a “perfect” white older brother, having an intense relationship with your mother, being artistic and into english, being bisexual and just really cool), but it’s also a song about choice and the singer choosing herself and who she wants to be and having hope for the future and wanting to run away. also the line “i’d invite you but i’m busy being oppressed” once again being used in regards to a young bisexual girl of colour….. genuinely one of my favourite lines ever written. the power it has.

and then. bree finds out she’s pregnant via the tests. and “oh no!” by marina begins to play, because skam brighton is a comedy show, but also skam brighton is a show for depressed british-ish teenagers. bree copes with this Really Fucked News by deciding to go and get wasted because that’s her favourite method of dissociation. also the song is just very bree as a whole, with the wanting to change and the “i'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” after her making fun of her cousin’s pregnancy in the first episode.

and then we get “bubblegum bitch” also by marina as bree goes out to drink. it’s there to represent how bree is trying to force herself to get into her familiar role of the fun bitchy party girl, but it’s not working because she’s just really fucked, but she’s trying her best.

BIG TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

and then “you are going to hate this” by the frights plays as josh and bree dance together, and we see josh giving her more and more drinks, getting her purposefully drunk as she gives into it, wanting the release being drunk gives her, not realising that he could be doing something bad to her because she’s so distracted by a) the alcohol and b) the fact that she’s fucking pregnant and doesn’t know what to do about it.

and then we get “seventeen” by sharon van etten as josh begins to assault brianna. i first heard this song in sex education, where it played as a group of girls supported their best friend after she was sexually harrassed on the bus, and i wanted to use it here as kind of a parallel to that, but also as a reminder than bree is seventeen years old, a child, and josh knows this, purposefully got her drunk and is assaulting her, because he is a disgusting human being.

episode seven

we open with “interlude iii” by tessa violet, as bree wakes up and leaves josh’s bed again, a parallel to the first clip of the season, but this time we saw the before that presumably happened. it’s just a really pretty song that vibes with the lonely emptiness of the scene.

and then we get “the ballad of mona lisa” by panic! at the disco as bree walks into school. it’s just a really vibey bree song, and the whole “i’d pay to see you frown” line is just about the always masking around people and never showing your real emotions. 

we then get “out tonight” from rent, but the movie version, purely because i just prefer the music production on that version. it just slaps. also, i just used this scene to talk about my love for my interpretation of mimi marquez. she’s just a teenager with a lot of problems who needs proper professional medical help, very much like bree. also, i have always seen “out tonight” as mimi having a manic episode and using the number as a distraction from her actual problems (literally what bree is doing) and i love her. (also the scene of bree watching the scene from the movie and having gay panic is just an Iconic moment)

we then get “funeral” by phoebe bridgers as bree lies in bed, deeply depressed and barely able to move. it’s just about a beautiful and deeply sad song. like all of the lines just vibe really hard with bree and the deep loneliness and emptiness of the song, and the underlying panic really outline bree’s actual emotional state.

and we end with the titular song of the episode, “will i?” from rent. i chose this song because, despite it being very repetitive, it’s always been deeply meaningful to me. and the only lines being “will i lose my dignity / will someone care / will i wake tomorrow / from this nightmare?” playing after bree talked about having to deal with her pregnancy, and following the dream imagery used in funeral, because all of the music Is connected…….. quite genuinely one of my favourite moments, because it’s so understated

episode eight

we begin the music of this episode with “everything i own” by the front bottoms - just a really fucking sad song for a really fucking sad time in bree’s life. with like like “just try to appreciate what you got while you got it” and “sometimes i don't feel like singing / i don't really like these songs / sometimes i don't feel like dancing / dj please, don't turn the beat on / let's keep it quiet, keep me honest, keep me true” just really vibing with her.

and then we get “even my dog” by kathryn gallagher, another one of my personal favourite songs, as bree walks through the hospital. first of all, kathryn gallagher’s character in jagged little pill, bella, does parallel bree quite a lot - being from a poor family, being talented at art, being slut-shamed by her school and dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. the song itself has lyrics describing depression, with lines like “i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / i just know that i’m supposed to / i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / but i’ll tell you i’m good ‘til i believe it too” and “everybody wants me to be happy / everybody wants me to be” and “i can feel it / the life i knew before you / it’s beautiful to be so naive” which i feel just Really fit bree and her situation

then we get a little bit of “musetta’s waltz” played by james, because it’s a rent thing, and rori sings a bit of “over the moon” because it’s a maureen song and i just wanted to include it for a little bit of fun in the hell week

and then. oh and then. we get the funeral scene from rent and “i’ll cover you (reprise)” performed by milo and everyone else. the reason i chose this song is because a) it’s one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching songs in musical theatre canon, and b) i wanted to use the imagery of a funeral to show bree quietly making the decision in her head to go through with the abortion, even though she has many doubts. and the line “a new lease you were, my love / on life” is about the baby bree might have had may be being her ticket to a new life, the way she was for her mother, but bree knows that’s not what she wants and not what she can handle right now. and the moment bree finally break is the climax of the song, the moment death is said out in the open “when your heart has expired”. she hears that, is struck by the reality of what she wants to do, and just runs because it’s a lot for any person, let alone a seventeen year old, to handle.

and then we get the girl squad picking bree off the ground, quite literally, and helping her go to the doctor, all of them together, as “sign of the times” by harry styles played. all of the girls are involved, organising rides and where to go and comforting bree, and al’s staying behind, doing ground control at the rehearsal, because al and bree are siblings and they love each other god damn it. ans the song itself is just. simply epic. and the lines “you look pretty good down here / but you ain't really good” really get to where bree is in regards to her self image and it’s about her finally opening up and accepting help and doing what’s right and good for her, not being self destructive or doing things for someone else.

episode nine

we open with a slowed down piano cover of “knee socks” by the arctic monkeys, simply because i liked the sound of it and it’s a quintessential sad british time, but it’s also about girls being pretty.

and then we get one of my favourite songs from rent being sung by bree, “without you”. it’s a genuinely beautiful song about addiction and the struggles that people can go through with it. the song has a double meaning to bree, as she’s been struggling with her alcohol abuse problems recently and going clean, but the song is also about bree imagining life without her hypothetical child. “but i die / without you” is how bree is seeing it, still thinking she’ll be rejected by her mother, and partially by god, if she goes through with it, but the song goes on. she knows the world will go on without her child, but she’s unsure of how she’s going to be after the child is gone. (we also see james come in and sing too, as he plays roger, but him singing is also a reference to him dealing with his own addiction, as mentioned before in this season, to nicotine).

we then get “you gotta be" by des'ree playing as we go from bree getting herself together after josh gets fired to bree and her mother sitting together and watching ladybird. i wanted ladybird to be playing because it’s a very bree movie, in my opinion, and the “give me a number” scene playing is a really good feel, for me, of what it’s like to be a working class child and feeling the need to pay back your parents, which is something bree also feels immensely. and the song has lyrics such as “challenge what the future holds / try and keep your head up to the sky / lovers, they may cause you tears / go ahead release your fears” and “stand up and be counted / don't be ashamed to cry” and “you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger / you gotta be cool, you gotta be calm / you gotta stay together / all i know, all i know, love will save the day”, which just really vibe with where bree is in this scene, trying to figure out all the things she has to be and can be and the whole thing about standing up is just very bree, because, despite us seeing her insecurities and weaknesses, she’s always been a confident person 

and then we get a scene that i wrote just to make myself cry. bree gets her hair cut by her mother after deeply connecting to her as “slipping through my fingers” by abba plays. it’s a song about a mother watching her daughter grow up and trying to stay close to her despite her always growing and changing, which is how i see audrey. she’s a woman full of love and she will do anything to support her daughter and make her happy, and it took bree until now to see it. and then we see bree’s hair literally slipping through audrey’s fingers, because haircuts are often used as a way to regain control over one’s life, and i’ve used bree’s hair throughout this season as a way to represent her trauma. when she gets morning sickness, she throws up in her hair. josh pulls on her hair when he assaults her. her cutting her hair off is a metaphor for her cutting off her trauma, but then from the hair cutting we transition to:

the abortion clinic, where “soon you’ll get better” by taylor swift and the chicks is playing. a song where a daughter sings to her mother to get better, and we see a mother supporting her daughter as she gets ready to go through surgery. the song itself, though, feels more about bree’s mental health than her physical state. she knows that through this surgery, she will ultimately end up better, but it’s going to take a lot of time.

and then as bree and audrey sit at home, they watch another movie: this time “grease”, representing bree’s desire to get back to her younger, happier self.

and then. we get “wake up” by alanis morrissette as bree gets ready for the rally in support of sexual assault survivors. a song, when used in the jlp musical, is used to talk about how it’s easier to not stand up and speak out against sexual assault. with the line “it’s so much easier not to / and what goes around never comes around to you” being used in regards to the cishet abled white man who will never get back all of the harm he puts out into the world, but we see bree reclaiming the song and her own body, putting on makeup in a way that makes her happy and marching out to the streets as it plays, focusing on her and only her

episode ten

WE OPEN WITH!!!! a moment most pleasing to me - “i did something bad” by taylor swift playing as the girl squad slow mo down the street together, a united front. i chose this song because it’s literally about society saying a woman did something bad, but she doesn’t give a fuck and wishes that she could do it again, which is how bree feels about fucking up a rapist’s life. also, once again, bree rolling a nat 20 on her deception roll as she gets proof of josh having the pictures of her on his phone by pretending to be the manic pixie damsel in distress josh wanted….. and we also get josh using the term “witch hunt”, the same phrase bryan used when he went off on bree, to show that they’re both the same character archetype, but in different flavours (bryan coming in asshole jock and josh coming in adult man incel).

(note: i also wanted to include the girl squad in this scene, because in the og when noora when to go meet nikolai on her own i was just. So Scared for her because she had No One. also, fun fact, i included the fact that the squad call nick “nickolai” as a nickname in season 2 so maybe there would be a theory that he would be nikolai, but i was just playing 4d chess with myself and he’s just a nice guy)

and then we get “seasons of love” from rent, which is, yes, a basic theatre song, but you can’t deny how good it is. and the whole “minute” thing in it lining up with the “minute by minute” iconic skam speech, and we get annabell on the big soloist lines because they’re the person who also heard the “minute by minute” speech before from the same place as bree, because it was said in their group therapy…. and it also parallels “i’ll cover you (reprise)” with them all standing in a line, but this time bree stays because it’s about love and being supported by your friends and not being sure if you’re okay, but knowing there’s always a safe place for you to go where you’re loved.

(also, we get a throwback joke of sandy, once again, being surprised by how strangely sexual all of these musicals are. i love her so so much)

and then!!!!! we end the episode with rori and bree confessing their feelings for each other and kissing for real for the first time, and it ends with “dress” by taylor swift playing. literally just the most homoerotic song, and the whole “i don’t want you like a best friend” line…… they deserve to be in love with each other and i have been building up to them finally admitting it for four seasons. literally the longest slow burn i’ve ever written. 

episode eleven

WE! OPEN! WITH! “watch you sleep” by girl in red, a song i discovered in 2018 and wanted to save for a good moment, and then the whole “do you listen to girl in red” thing exploded, so. (james from derry girls voice) i support wlw, though i myself am not wlw. also it’s just a really sweet song that i like a lot. and we’ve seen bree wake up a lot at the beginning of episodes, and we see her wake up from a nightmare this time, and she calms down instantly when she realises she’s home and with rori…..

and then we get a moment MOST PLEASING to me!!!! we have canon swiftie alistair fletcher streaming “daylight” by taylor swift in the bathroom as bree and rori wait for him to be done. and then they start to dance together to it, with them referencing rent before they start dancing, and rori begins to sing along because rori, as a character, has such “lover” energy. and we get rori singing “i once believed love would be black and white”, which is a reference to her and james’s relationship, with her thinking it would be simple and easy, and then “i once believed love would be burning red”, with her and nick’s quick, passionate relationship “but it’s golden like daylight” and we see her and bree together, calm, best friends who are now lovers, no big dramatics, no fireworks, just two people who care so deeply about each other, holding each other, having seen each other at their worst and still adoring them with every part of their being. and we get the “you’re so pretty”, “no, you”, “no, us” exchange, which is just saying “stop comparing yourself to other girls, just be in love with them and yourself”

and then we get “number one fan” by muna, which is just a really fun boppy song, and just big bree core. with lines like “so i heard the bad news / nobody likes me and i'm gonna die alone / in my bedroom / looking at strangers on my telephone / well, wouldn't you? / wouldn't you like if i believed those words?” is showing her development, going from believing all of the bad shit people say about her, both online and to her face, and standing up for herself and believing in herself

(fun fact, there was originally a clip in this episode where we see bree going to the police about josh, but as i was getting closer to publishing it, i thought “fuck that, i’m not giving them any screentime”, and just gave bree some fun exposition about reporting josh to his school)

so we get “icu” by phoebe bridgers as bree’s walking down the street, just vibing, very happy because she just got her rapist expelled from his university. we get lines like: “and i get this feeling / whenever i feel good / it'll be the last time” which vibes with my perception and bree and her relationship with her mental health, which is currently, in the episode, in a good place because of goos things happening, but she knows that it’s going to come back down eventually, but she’s prepared for it now, she’s not as scared of herself anymore

then we get al’s film of the rehearsal process - which is, once again, him using art and music as a way of expressing his love - as “heroes” by david bowie plays. this is a direct reference to “the perks of being a wallflower”, a very inspiring piece of media to me, writing wise. the film that al makes is just a love letter to being teenagers and making art and noise in a world where people are constantly telling you to shut up.

and then, following two deeply philosophical speeches i wrote at 3am one night, we get the last 15 minutes of act one of a musical because it’s my show!!!!!! and if i want to have a character yell about love and then sing a song i can!!!!!

we begin with “la vie boheme”, the iconic act one closer of rent. quite genuinely, this song has the same meaning here as it does in rent, only with the added layer of “this is the last clip, so we’re just all having a fun happy ending” on it, so i’m just gonna be talking about my favourite fun parts of it.

we got al and bree sharing a laugh as al sings “not to mention, of course / hating dear old mom and dad”; we got al high-fiving jake as he talks about “fruits”, because they’re both gay; we got one of my favourite lines: “to being an us for once instead of a them”; we got milo and bree messing around because i love their friendship; we got bree and nick singing a verse together; we got al making it canon that mark cohen gets pegged with the “mucho masturbation” line; we get rori making eye contact with bree while she kisses another girl, because we love a call your girlfriend reference and we love her character development; we get james finally perfecting “musetta’s waltz”

and then we get “i should tell you”, a song i hated upon first watch of rent, but now i love it so so much. while james and bree are singing it together as roger and mimi, bree is very much dedicating the song to rori, because it’s a song about being scared of starting a relationship but doing it anyway because you’re learning to trust the other person. we also see audrey and patrick in the audience, both so happy and supportive of their children, because i love them so much. i love all of the parents, but audrey is definitely my personal favourite so fa.

and then!!!! we begin “la vie boheme b”, literally one of the biggest bangers of musical theatre history. 

we get rori singing the first fast verse, literally raising a middle finger to the idea of perfection and eating disorders, because while those ideas may be a part of her life, she’s happy to say “fuck you” to them; we get nick voguing to the camera as he sings his fast verse, goofing around like usual; and then we get milo yelling out their verse to the audience, serious, because they genuinely believe in the words they’re saying

then we get the cast all yelling out their lgbt identity in the form of a reclaimed slur. i also changed this part of the show because there’s two terms referring to lesbians in the song and i wanted to a reference just for bisexual people. 

then we begin to shift all focus away from bree and her story, beginning to move onto nick, as he and james dance together as al yells out the title line of the episode: “the opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation”. and i decided to edit the closing monologue because i felt that it placed too much focus on roger and mimi’s romance and wanted to end the season with a focus on revolution and positive social change, ending with the line: “the riot goes on and on and on and on…”

and then we end the season with the line “we will now take a short intermission” as nick looks into the camera, because it’s time for a break between seasons babey!

and that’s another well over 10k essay on my music choices!!!!! also, as of writing this, i have officially finished production on skambr season 5!!!! i’m way ahead of schedule, which is really good for me, and the trailer will be coming out in about a month’s time!!!! until then, thank you for reading my infodump <3