#it’s worse for me because i dont pass
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themistymountainscold · 1 year ago
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why do people not understand that being trans isn’t a choice.
people really think i want this? that i want to go through therapy and medical procedure’s just to be comfortable in my own fucking body?
if i had a choice I wouldn’t be trans
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puppppppppy · 1 year ago
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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xxplastic-cubexx · 3 months ago
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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lovesickeros · 1 year ago
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Hiii just popping out to say thank you for feeding my sagau reader x furina brainroot by small interactions in "Even the Gods bleed." (Sorry if I wrote it incorrectly, I didn't get proper sleep.)
They way reader tugged at Furina's cheek— hell yeah your Grace I understand you.
i am always down to feed other furina enjoyers. at some point i need to give furi her own solo fic with reader but i know im gonna make it like triple the length of everything else..favoritism at its finest!! and proud of it. furina gets priority in everything.
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welcometoteyvat · 2 years ago
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jing yuan and yanqing are giving zhongli and xiao if the latter’s canon relationship was Actually fanon’s made up father figure/adopted child dynamic
#idkkkkkkkkkkkkk who looks at zx and is like 'you know what. this is a healthy parent child relationship'#like girl by fitting them into father son boxes you are actively making their relationship imbalance Worse#if you do that and dont shy away from it i respect that but if you say dad/son makes their relationship more wholesome or whatever like WHY#now i wont deny shippers might do that too but i see the dad son version so much i think im just averse to it by default#also because i think father son makes people actively Try to make their relationship something that its not and it erases a bunch of subtlet#subtleties in it. it's the nuanced r/ship -> entirely unproblematic and flavorless r/ship that i hate#also the number of people who'll block if you ship zx. like damn thats crazy you guys really think theyre father son (fake)???#at their peak they're like. 4000 year old guys who have too much history and repression and some weird entanglement of 'nah im bothering him#too much' and 'gotta protect him w my life' complexes. and then this devolves into theyre never gonna kiss until 3000 more years have passed#listen they just Contain Multitudes idc if you dont ship it just dont make it into dad and son and we will be so gucci#jing.yuan and yanqing are like different i think mostly bc yanqing is actually like a minor and jing yuan is also a normal ish person#plus the light cone and the abouts?? yeah this is an actual like adopted parent/child thing#also good or bad news i caved and am now playing hsr. the plan is to pull yanqing and then go on infinite hiatus in the game 👍#JWKFLJWEK i dont think theres really any draws for me besides him. personally neutral on turn based combat and the open world isn't giving#the only saving grace i have rn is 1) ive gotten to the part where bron.seele is real and man theyre gay 2) trailblazer trio 3) tall female#mc 4) everyone has way better emoting abilities than genshin 5) su.shang's really cute <3#the story doesnt really interest me though its like cool but not mindgrippingly interesting#tbf i think genshin is the same way storyline wise (at the beginning) but the difference is that turn based combat isnt really my thing LMAO#ramblings!#zhongxiao#if you want to filter it out ??
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hybridkilljoys · 1 year ago
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I've been an absolute emotional wreck since last night due to my narcissist father making me feel less than human so can i..........ask for some reassurance that i'm not an absolute failure of a human being
or pictures of your cats, that would help a lot too
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spilling-blood · 1 day ago
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I did get to drive the work truck though and go out to sites that part was fun. They had sirius radio in the trucks too and sometimes I had to go out like an hour away, that was the only redeeming quality it was like chill zone out time. That and the buyer from this one factory who brought me candy whenever he came by.
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curarems · 16 days ago
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Exam season is great at reminding me why I should really get myself checked for adhd
#not that i ever forget but the sudden influx of responsibilities makes it 10K× times worse#manifesting finding out how the fuck to get a diagnosis in slovakia#technically i am an adult but i still live with my parents#and while i am technically capable of making an appointment with a doctor#usually its done through my parents#and i dont exactly know how the fuck to find a good phychiatrist for this#and i am NOT going through my parents again#i tried before and i ended up at a local psychologist who was incredibly useless#and to my elaborate description of my problems she basically told me 'learn discipline thats just laziness'#and when i came in for the second session she jist repeated that and the entire session lasted like. 20 minutes#like sorry what#and while i did explain the adhd tjibg to my parents they pretty much ignored that part because#oh hey! guess who had great grades through all of primary school and high school with barely any studying done!#and i am not a hyperactive boy! adhd? where the hell would that come from right!#and while i dont have GREAT grades at uni. its also an in incredibly difficult degree at a hard uni and just passing is an achievement#and i am not going through adhd conversation with my parents again basically#and for the record ive had that conversation TWICE#once when i was 17 at which point they just said theyll find a psychologist and then didnt and forgot about it for 2 years#and then the second time 2 years later#and each tike it was shitty so. not again#at this point i would genuinely rather wait till i live away full time#technically i am at dorm in a different country but i have no fucking idea how adhd diagnosis works for slovaks in czechia#ema rambles#possibly to delete
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girlivealwaysbean · 2 months ago
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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iqmmir · 10 months ago
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Hi im back . For some time
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mybreadsmybutters · 3 months ago
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they need to investigate the science of why wearing a Guy outfit that you kinda pass in feels just as bad as wearing a girl outfit that you dont actually this is the textbook definition of gender dysphoria NEVERMIND nevermind i forget that this is not some weird thing i am the first man in the world to ever experience and in fact like The Number One thing that makes people figure out they’re trans
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popponn · 11 months ago
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sae as sugar daddy but not in sexy way but in asian parent "it hurts my eyes to see you as a failure because tf are you a bug go study" way
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goblin-enjoyer · 3 months ago
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Been binging some new frogger vids at the moment (i heard 6v6 is coming back soon and am sadly getting hyped) and I had a horrifying realization about two of the characters in the series. behold my madness and weep at my lack of knowledge on both troll quadrants and character interactions. I'm not a fishmonger, I wouldn't know that stuff.
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#the rot has gotten worse. this is just evident of it.#I caught myself saying gog today. it might be infecting my lexicon and fake swears like how when i got into 40k I picked up ork lingo and->#now use it unironically in my day to day. Don't like swearing but i like the challenge of having something similar.#and get this. this morning I thought to do troll cosplay.#?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 1: i dont even do halloween anymore? 2:I hate body paint/makeup/nailpolish/other junk you put on your flesh. just grosses m#out and gives me shivers just thinking about it. eugh.. 3:who in the warp would i even cosplay? Terezi? How would I even explain that???#yes hello family. I am breaking my halloween costume absence of several years now to cosplay as a random alien girl from an obscure ->#internet webcomic. Do not think about The Implications™ of that one bit. Don't know what i'm doing in this costume as i am too old for tric#or treating so you have even less to ponder about as I walk around the empty house as a random girl character covered in grey paint while#you all are at various halloween parties. This is normal [NAME-REDACTED] behavior and of no cause of concern or interest#luckily the it passed quickly but still. oi vey how long would it even take to get to that point? you homestuck gits know because I don't#ugh almost forgot i gotta do actual tags. don't want this to be too much of a ->#midnight brainrot#(heh see what i did there)#frogger#kismesis#overwatch#I do NOT pity the people coming across this mess while browsing the overwatch tag for some reason
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thetangibleghost · 3 months ago
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I think we might have trauma tied to the literal feeling of falling asleep/waking up. Like we get nightmares that are just. The feeling of changing concousness but drawn out + adrenaline + terror
#this may be from sleep paralysis? because we also get that sometimes#also sometimes when falling asleep we get like a rush of adrenaline and if we're far enough along well get shot into sleep paralysis or#start half dreaming about being woken up from a coma or dying.#which like 99% of the time is what we want? but then these things hapoen and its like. huh. maybe i DO have a will to live#it feels less like me or another alter and more like the body literally things its dying.#this happens both sober and intoxicated but doesn't seems to happen more frequently when intoxicated which is interesting#if anything its usually easier to push through#but one time we were like super fucking stoned with my ex and i started flipping my shit because im chill like thag#and so he took me out to the car vecasue i was like “i cant be in the house snymore its not safe i cant be here”#and he leaves to go get something and im like terrified to fall asleep#it gets worse when im scared sometimes. like a certain type of fear its like horror feeling.#anyways so im trying ot to pass out and im convince if i do ill never come back and my ex enters the car and i start screaming. like bloody#murder. and then HE screams. so then were both screaming. and eventually one of us stops screaming. and i dont remember which one. and i was#like :( im sorry that was really embarrassing but also im still so scared im sorry#and he was like 'its chill.' and then he goes to get another thing later and hes like Dont. Scream. When i get back. Dont Scream.#and i was like . okay 👍🏼.#and then he got back and i screamed. but it was easier to stop that time#and then his mom drove us around the neighborhood and i convinced my self that the whole world was just a figment of her imagination#and that really helped for somereason#so.#this kinda got away from me but basically i had one of those drawn out consciousness change night mares last night#dream log
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nowendil · 3 months ago
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i should be getting out of bed but i keep thinking about the cursed fact that I'm trapped to be seen either as a man or a woman by the general public for the rest of my stupid baka life
#i dont want to pass!!!! i dont i donttttt#and i recognize that “passing” as nonbinary would just mean that the general public would form an idea or a set of characteristics#they call nonbinary and it would just be another box to escape from#and getting gendered isnt really that bad for me. it doesnt exactly hurt most of the time.#and what the fuck do i care what people i dont even know see me as#but idk. sometimes i will be existing in a public place and get hit by the knowledge that most of the people seeing me there will think#i'm a man or a woman. no both no neither no inbetween. and. idk man it's kind of depressing#and sometimes when i think about things i could possibly want if i ever medically transitioned to some degree it's like.#yes i want these things but i dont want to trade “(almost) solely gendered as a woman” for “(almost) solely gendered as a man”#it would just be different kind of misgendering#and maybe even worse on some aspects because like. i'm accustomed to being gendered as a woman even though i am not one.#so it's ''yeah it's not me and i dont exactly like it but at least it's familiar''#i know it's not actually this hopeless and people do transition to that inbetween look i'm after all the time and i do have many people#in my life who do see me for what i am and also most people in public places are not even paying attention to me#so like. i'm fine really. i just needed to get that out of my system#and now i'm late for the bus :| sorry tosse i might be late to our scheduled lunch
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snekdood · 3 months ago
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i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.
#do i think they always do it in a harmful way? no. because i dont see the world in black and white. statistically thats impossible#but i think its safe for me to assume the worst in this situation with this specific person. personally#instead of trying to make me second guess if i should be so harsh on my abuser and keep my arms closed entirely maybe#we should be confronting them on being a better person for once#yaknow instead of insisting that i need to heal or change or whatever and the fault all lies in me and never in them#food for thought#i promise me being disturbed by and wanting to avoid certain kinks isnt worse than them being sexually abusive. like i really promise.#if you think i do more harm being uncomfortable than they do by sexually abusing ppl then idk what to tell ya#and a lot of the kinks that make me uncomfortable and i try to avoid are the ones they have#forgive me if trauma makes me weary. i mean fuck dude it takes years for me to even feel like i can trust someone enough to be my friend#now you're telling me i hafta jump all the way to trusting ppl wont misuse their kinks towards me? im sorry what world do you live in#i already dont trust a lot of cis men for that reason it doesnt suddenly change just bc you're queer. i gotta know you're not#a sexually abusive creep to even BEGIN to touch the subject of kinks w you#which explains why me and my abusive ex never got that far in that conversation 😒#cis men have a lot of kinks that just hearing them makes me suspicious because personally i have lived with a cis man who sexually#abused me and was very secretive about his kinks and is the type of person to act one way but then is secretly a pos#so yeah im a little fuckin weary dude. im not assuming people with certain kinks are bad by default but id be lying if i said certain#kinks dont make me a little on edge to hear about someone having. and i'd probably take an even longer time sussing that person out#sorry but i just dont need to be sexually abused again. and for me rn avoiding that is being weary of certain things.#a lot of it is context too... a group of people pretending to be super familiar with me and wanting to dive into kink stuff right away bc#we're all queer so it should be Fine and want me to come to their place that i need to take a car to at night.... yeah gonna pass#but thats why im saying a good long ol' sussing is needed for me to feel ok. if you have an issue with me needing to feel like i#can trust someone to be around them thats just.... really weird. obv i cant always control that but i mean specifically situations i can#obligatory: none of this has to do w kink in public or anything this is all about my own personal life
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