#it’s still a massive improvement to my usual reading habits

[benvoliotheorphan]

Honestly I know four books isn’t a lot but considering how in years past I would read one book every couple of years or so, the fact that I read four last year is kind of cool

[genericpuff]

The Extended Mishandling of LO's S3 Midseason Finale Premiere

Alright, so I had mentioned leading up to the release of the newest LO episode that my feelings regarding LO returning were pretty "meh". Not hyped, but not completely back of mind either. Just sort of a weird calm before the storm type feeling that could go either way.

I'm glad I got to have that moment of calmness because good god, this episode was an absolute shitshow. And honestly, I'm not surprised, for several reasons:

Rachel has never been good at maintaining a buffer, even back at the start of the series she only ever had 2-3 episodes ready ahead of her schedule which is NOT an ideal buffer for an originals series.

Rachel has never been good at writing, she's very "draw first write later" and has stated as such in interviews that when she gets 'stuck' on what she's writing, she'll just start drawing and fit the pieces in later.

Four months is NOT enough time to both rest, attend massive conventions, and work on improving a project while also getting buffer episodes ready.

Because of the FP episodes remaining locked over the hiatus, technically Rachel only needed to have ONE episode ready upon return for the newest FP release, not multiple like she'd usually need like in the past during the S2 midseason hiatus or the season finale episodes which would unlock those FP releases like normal - so for all we know, she could have drawn this episode literally last week, especially when the promo material was so last minute. Frankly I think it was REALLY stupid for whoever it was who decided to keep these FP episodes locked (whether it was her or WT, it was more likely WT) but you can read all I have to say about that in my review of the midseason finale episodes.

All that's to say, no, there was never any guarantee Rachel was going to somehow "turn around" the ride we're currently on. I know that many of the critics were hoping for that to happen, but with the circumstances of the hiatus mixed with Rachel's bad habits of putting her best efforts into the procrastination projects that aren't her actual comic (ex. the few original pieces and LO sketches she put out during the hiatus) it just wasn't in the cards. This is where the comic is at and this is where it will remain until it's over.

I want to also point something out about this episode that was... really glaring to me.

As with all of these hiatus returns, LO got priority advertising in the first two banner slots and push notifications AND a popup ad within the app. This is unsurprising, Webtoons is still trying to milk this thing for what it's worth.

I know a lot of people are gonna focus on the art, or the fact that WT is continuing to shill LO, but I wanna point out the part that WT implemented specifically - "NEW SEASON".

This is literally just false. At best I'd like to think some intern just messed up and thought this was a new season, but it's literally not, the episode designation still says "S3". Note that the creators only design the banner art, the actual labels on top are put there by Webtoons.

But at worst, this feels like blatant lying to continue to hide the fact that LO is ending. Mind you, Rachel and Webtoons have still not put out official posts stating that this is the final arc. There is NOTHING from either of them to communicate to the audience that the comic is ending next year. It feels like they're trying to avoid the topic altogether out of fear of losing the fanbase they still have, rather than hyping up the comic's end for those who have stuck around to see how it all wraps up. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case, considering they're now trying to funnel the fanbase into Penguin/Inklore with new marketing deals and the whole Rachel Smythe Presents thing. They're trying to make this seem like the beginning of something "new" when it's really just a quiet shifting of management (Penguin House).

But all that aside, let's actually get into the episode. It's one episode after 4 months, which is not standard for LO's hiatuses, typically FP episodes release on schedule (meaning free readers start hiatuses 3 weeks after FP readers do), the only time this has been an exception has been with the 2 week breaks because the whole point of those was to build a buffer (which you can't do if you're going ahead and releasing the FP episodes anyways). For extended hiatuses like these, usually free readers still get their FP episodes, but that wasn't the case here. That means Rachel technically only needed one episode ready for the comic's return, and it shows. It really fucking shows.

FROM HERE ON OUT THERE WILL BE FASTPASS SPOILERS REGARDING EPISODE 254. DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED !!!

As per tradition, we get a title that means nothing at all. It just says what we already know.

Our collective husband Zeus is dying, no thanks to the poison cupcake fed to him by Apollo. For those who don't remember, Apollo had tricked Zeus into eating the cupcake by making him believe it was from Hebe. We are fully aware that it was Apollo who poisoned him. Remember that for later in this review.

Right off the bat we're off to a hilarious start, both with a cryptid appearance from Apollo in the background (lmao) who is, for some reason, ALREADY returning to the scene of the crime he just committed because... who knows at this point. Apollo and Psyche know it was Apollo at this point, I might add, but I have no clue why Apollo is actually returning to the scene of the crime when he has no idea Eros and Psyche know.

Moving on from that, can we talk about this hilarious dialogue?

"We have to call a doctor! Let's call Asclepius!"

"No, we can't trust him! Gosh darn it, why are we only bothering to think of ONE doctor in this universe where we've seen more than one doctor?? Guess Zeus is just gonna die! What a horribly contrived situation this is!"

And that's literally how I can best describe most of this episode. Contrived. There is a LOT of manufactured drama in this that makes ZERO sense even on a surface level.

And what do you mean exactly, Eros? "What a terrible system!" Is this supposed to be a joke? Lampshading? We've seen Persephone go to the gynecologist. There are non-god doctors who tend to gods all the time here.

Eros just doesn't seem to be that pressed over this, he sounds like Ned Flanders and that's NOT a good way to open up a scene like this... let alone an episode people have been waiting four months for.

Anyways, after a few pointless reaction panels (again remember I have to cut a lot of what I show here for Tumblr image limitations but I promise you, I'm keeping as much important stuff as I can in this, there's just THAT MUCH filler at this point), Eros and Psyche confront Apollo and he is... good god.

There is... so much to unpack here.

First of all, remember those theories about how Rachel was clearly trying to write Apollo as this "secret twist villain" the whole time but it doesn't work because Apollo is simultaneously written as both a 'conniving villain' and a massive dumbass at the same time?

Well, I finally have a more appropriate term for him. He's your average red pill redditor - someone who thinks he's smarter than everyone else when really all he does is sit on reddit all day using big words incorrectly in arguments he gets himself into with a bunch of equally-air-headed dumbasses.

"You can't possibly understand the nuances of the Olympian political system," Apollo said proudly, a man who had, ironically and obliviously, run for president in a monarchy. The union of kettle and pot is eternal.

He's the Slappable Jerk but instead of it being a painfully hilarious impression, it's just painful and hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

this is so stupid because it's 1.) Eros pointing out how obvious Apollo's plan was, despite Apollo acting smart two seconds ago with a goddess who, mind you, has been a goddess for ten years, and 2.) patricide isn't even intrinsically linked to politics, there's nothing 'political' about a guy trying to kill his dad except in, idk, a monarchy, which again, Apollo has spent ten years trying to rise to power in as a president which is a completely different form of government.

If I wanted to be really granular with this, I'd like to think Apollo is making some kind of point about the critics who call out LO's whack as fuck political system (especially in the trial arc) - as if he's saying "well you're just a stupid reader and this is fantasy where you don't understand exactly what political system we're using, so shut the fuck up you stupid twig" - but I don't think it's meant to be that deep. I think it's just Rachel trying to write a smart character and then failing at it because she, herself, is not a smart writer. And I'm really inclined to believe that more than the theory about this being some kind of meta-narrative about the critics because this entire plotline is contrived and stupid down to its core.

I did not cut anything out here, that's the pacing. Leto literally just appears out of nowhere and uh oh spaghettio's, she has Kassandra! Remember Leto? The character we were led to believe was truly "pulling the strings" until she disappeared from the story completely after she realized that Apollo and Persephone weren't a thing, even going so far as to call out her own son for being a fucking dumbass? Well, she's back and once again she's being involved as some kind of "double agent" in this whole thing, even though we literally haven't seen her since halfway through S2.

"Mm yes, you're so stupid, falling into my trap! Even though you had no reason to remember Kassandra anyways because she's literally a mortal woman you just met and you yourself have committed acts of violence against mortals without a shred of care! I'm so smart! My plan is all coming together!"

We've never seen Apollo do anything except cry and poop his pants, the closest he got to being "powerful" was his attempts to murder Daphne (who he seems to have forgotten about in this "master plan" of his) but ultimately he's literally just a piss ant baby and there's no reason to believe that he could somehow outmatch the God of Love who can literally manipulate people's emotions and states of mind with his arrows. But yeah sure go off, you're so powerful and smart.

The worst part is, I can't even buy this as the narrative trying to be like "see how manipulative and conniving he is?" because it's just silly. We've SEEN this man cry with his victim complex, we've seen him say and do the DUMBEST things that don't lend to any amount of "intelligence" he may have, it comes across less as him being "smart the whole time" and more as him trying to sound smart but ultimately sounding incredibly stupid. And I can't even immerse myself into it and buy that maybe that's the point, because it doesn't feel like the point, it just feels like inconsistent writing, he doesn't feel like a 'threat', he's just monologuing.

Bad art and Apollo literally just repeating what Leto already implied so this is a waste of the audience's time.

This is the funniest panel in the whole episode because I can't tell if Apollo is supposed to be in the background (for some reason, despite him literally being in front of Eros and Psyche two seconds ago) or if he's in the foreground and just REALLY small for some reason. This is so off-putting. And of course, it's just Apollo explaining what we're ALREADY SEEING ONSCREEN.

You see, in addition to this episode being contrived, it also talks down to its audience a LOT by explaining exactly what we're seeing onscreen. It's like Rachel saw the criticisms about her not including enough to depict what's actually going on in her head and so she thought the solution was to spoon feed information over pictures that are already doing the job of explaining what's going on. Rachel really doesn't know how to write and even when she tries to implement changes that reflect criticisms that have been made of her writing, she somehow makes things worse because she completely misses the point of what those criticisms are trying to get across.

Anyways, without even trying to resist (for some reason) Eros and Psyche get sentenced to horny jail.

They're now trapped in a basement that Leto somehow has in her home. How do we know that?

HAHAHA FUNNY LAMPSHADING SO FUNNNYYYYYYY

Leto claims that they shouldn't try to escape because the dungeon is "enchanted", but she doesn't even bother to explain what that means. So they literally don't bother trying. They don't try to call her bluff, they don't try to teleport out of there, they literally just go "well shoot", shrug their shoulders, and accept their fate. Just like with the whole "we can't trust the only doctor we bothered to think of" situation, Eros and Psyche are turning out to be some of the stupidest, lowest-effort characters in this comic who literally can't be bothered to try because that would require too much brain power.

Notice how much time we've spent on this and we haven't gotten back to where the cliffhanger of the last episode left off? Well buckle up because there's still more to cover.

So it turns out Hebe was still inside with her dad, in FULL VIEW of what was going on through glass which is somehow COMPLETELY soundproof, and when Apollo steps inside, she just has no idea what happened. She never bothered to even look outside to see what was going on with Eros and Psyche, she's just been sitting on the floor staring at Zeus' dead face for what was likely several minutes, unless Rachel is seriously trying to convince us that conversation and hostage negotiation from earlier only took 2 seconds. The timeline is such a mess at this point that characters basically freeze in place as soon as they're not the focus of the scene.

Apollo rushes inside, acting shocked over the situation, and when Hebe asks where Eros and Psyche are (again, she could have just looked out the window at any time), he's just like "dur idk they just left lol" which Hebe just... buys, I guess.

That's just Persephone but yellow. She's even missing her beauty mark.

See how Apollo put his hand on Zeus' chest/shoulder by the way?

Apparently, despite Mr. Smarter Than Everyone Else trying to pretend it wasn't him, he's able to discern that Zeus is dying from a toxic and rare poison just from touching him. He doesn't even really seem to use his powers, he just touches him and goes "welp he's dead i guess lol don't bother asking me how I know that".

But oh nooo remember that note from before? Well gasp Apollo's gonna use it to frame Hebe! In front of no one else at all!

Hebe of course says she didn't write it, but Apollo continues to try and frame her anyways, even though, again, there's no one else present here, and so it effectively just becomes the most absurd form of gaslighting I've ever seen.

Again, THERE IS NO ONE ELSE HERE IN THE SCENE. He's just trying to claim she did it to absolutely no one at all, in the hopes of... what exactly? That she'll just take the fall for something she knows she didn't do? That she'll somehow be convinced? It's not like Hebe has the same thing going on as Persephone where she has a 'wrathful dark side' he could pin it on, this is just a criminal who just robbed a building pointing at the first person they see and yelling "YOU DID IT!"

All I'm saying is that Apollo would be really bad at Among Us. He'd be the type of player to kill someone, hit the report button, then claim yellow did it which, even if he DID convince the rest of the team, would still get kicked anyways as soon as yellow was proven through the eject to not be the imp and everyone would go "okay cool so yellow wasn't the imp, that means obviously it's purple self-reporting." It's a trick that doesn't even work anymore because of how old it is. Hebe isn't a child here, she's an 18 year old woman who should be fully capable of raising an eyebrow and wondering why Apollo is this quick to accuse her - almost like he's trying to hide the fact that he did it.

But Hebe can't catch onto this, just like Eros and Psyche, she has to act stupid for the sake of the plot.

At first I thought maybe Rachel was trying to do some "whodunit" scenario, but that doesn't work here because we already know who did it. And while there are stories that exist like that that pull it off (ex. Knives Out) the problem with trying to do this the way Rachel did is that the person being framed has to have this thing called motive. The reason why Knives Out and Glass Onion work so well is because the person who was murdered (or conspired against) is someone who is being targeted by multiple people who could all be the murderer. It's quite literally called out in Glass Onion as a form of smart lampshading. "It's like putting a loaded gun on the table, and turning off the lights."

But it doesn't work here because Hebe does not have motive. If you're going to attempt to frame a murder on someone, it has to be someone who would have reasonable motive to commit that murder, even if they didn't actually commit it.

And who among Zeus' children has motive?

What about the war-mongering bloodthirsty god of war who has been regularly sentenced to time in the Mortal Realm to fight in wars in which he's been regularly injured?

What about the chaos-seeking wrathful goddess who would do it to get revenge on the parental figure who cast her aside, or even just for the fun of saying she did it?

Why try and pin it on Hebe, the doting daughter of Zeus who's only had a collective of maybe 20 panels in the entire comic?

But then I realized... it's not Knives Out, it's the fucking Lion King.

Which is just as contrived - if not more - than the assumption this was gonna be some attempt to frame Hebe. It's not. He's literally just trying to keep her from assuming it was him. He could have just as easily played dumb without calling attention to the note but he intentionally went out of his way to try and be Scar from The Lion King , while completely missing the point of why that scene worked in the original movie.

Scar wasn't trying to 'frame' Simba for Mufasa's murder. He was trying to hide the murder, while also attempting to get the only heir to the throne out of the picture, so he passed the guilt of the death onto Simba - a child who, unlike Hebe, wouldn't have the ability to rationalize or realize his uncle his a scumbag - who then ran away from home because he was too terrified to face his family for what happened, assuming that it was all his fault when it wasn't.

That's not how this is panning out here. Hebe is the now 18 year old daughter of Zeus, and not one of his only children. She doesn't even fit into the whole "sons overthrowing their fathers" prophecy like Aries would. Apollo is literally just being a big idiot here by saying "well I'm gonna give you a headstart to run away, because if you stay, I might hurt you" (which btw, should be MORE of a smoking gun that Apollo did it??)

And again, it's all so contrived so that the plot can move forward. "Well I'm going to frame you for this murder, but y'know, you should just leave, I'm not gonna try and press it further lmao"

Again, Apollo is a fucking idiot here, because he just attempted to frame someone who has NO MOTIVE to harm Zeus, to absolutely NO ONE at all who would side with him, only to let her go which would leave her to question why Apollo would try to accuse and harm her in the first place before considering other options. And through ALL this he claims he's the smart one, which I can't even be bothered to "love to hate" because it's written so poorly.

And really it all comes down to how everyone else behaves in relation to Apollo that makes it so stupid and unbelievable. Apollo, you're not smart just because all the characters around you are intentionally being written to be as stupid and non-confrontation as possible. If you can only write a smart villain by making everyone else stupid, you haven't written a smart villain, you've written a dumbass whose victory only happens due to contrived plot convenience. It's not even done well like in Glass Onion, it's just bad writing, full stop.

And who does he call to report this emergency? The satyr police? His son the doctor?

No.

The media. Literally just "hello, the media?? I need your best journalist here stat!"

I need you to understand, even if he were calling a tabloid magazine like The Weekly Nark, you don't just... call a journalist to report a murder. These are not the actions of someone who's trying to absolve himself of guilt, these are the actions of a complete dumbass trying to get news coverage of his trophy kill who would be better off just playing dumb instead of trying to play smart. Even Walter White wasn't this fucking stupid despite all the times he fell on his own sword, Apollo is literally just instigating suspicion towards himself for no reason at all. He's self-reporting so hard and worst of all, you can't even take any of this seriously because of how corny it is. There's no dramatic tension, no stakes, it's just a bunch of characters performing in a really bad stage play and reducing every conflict to "well I guess Zeus is just dead now because no one's bothering to make an effort to stop Apollo or ask questions lmao"

It's truly the epitome of "this plot wouldn't exist if characters would just talk to each other."

But finally, FINALLY we mention the thing this episode is named after, the transition point to Persephone.

Just like with the midseason finale episode, there's a lot to cover here, so I'm gonna get more into it in a part two post.

That said, you can see already this is the messiest, most contrived bullshit to ever wind up in LO. It's trying so hard to be smart and it just comes across as a bunch of toddlers in the world's worst stage play rendition of Clue. None of what was done here was in any way dramatic or tense, it's just a bunch of characters infodumping shit we already know, trying to set up new plot threads that don't make any sense, and allowing one another to get away with what they're doing because they don't bother to even try.

It's completely manufactured, contrived nonsense. It's not "smart", it's not "so dumb it's brilliant", it's just dumb.

[onewingedsparrow]

4, 6, and 7!

For this ask game @nocturnalfandomartist Hi Nocturne! Thank you for the ask! :D This is very long, hopefully you don't mind :) 4. Do you have beta? How important is it to the process? As a general rule: no. I have a naturally sharp eye for grammar, spelling, and cohesion. I prefer going through my writing myself with a fine-toothed comb, because beta reading my own fics helps me notice what I need to improve at a rate faster than someone else could point it out. Reading my writing aloud is something I also enjoy doing that helps me keep dialogue smooth, my syllables flowing, and my pacing watertight. In addition, because so many of my works are interconnected in an intricate spiral galaxy of depth and parallels and foreshadows and flashbacks and LORE, it's impossible for a beta reader to fully grasp all that I am intending to convey in any single story without reading...literally everything everywhere all at once which I am writing. No oneshot of mine is truly a oneshot. :) However, I don't discount the benefits of beta reading! Editor feedback is valuable for pointing out subconscious habits of mine and improvements to my flow that I can make. It also is valuable in reinforcing my writing voice; I have learned very quickly what sentence structures I am not willing to compromise on, lol. I use what I learn from other endeavors to enhance my fandom writing. I also make an effort to continue reading published books, articles, screenplays, etc. in addition to posted fanfiction. While fanfiction is in no way "inferior" to published work, there is much to learn from published work that has passed through gateways of editing that fanfiction slips by. In other words, just because my fics are deliberately not beta read doesn't mean that I aim to let my writing stay stagnant. I am still learning and will always be learning. Only a few of my fics will be jestingly tagged as "No beta we die like X"—typically older ones from my "Throwback Archive" that I don't care about cleaning up. They're the equivalent of rough sketches, so they don't need to be anywhere near my usual standards for posting. For my giant Fire Emblem fic*, however, I'm worldbuilding with someone in particular. Once I complete a few drafts of the entire massive story, I will have him alone beta read that, in order to get his feedback on keeping the giant cast all in-character, keeping the route-crossing satisfactory, etc. *This is not posted yet and will not be for a while. It's my fanfic magnum opus. It will be hundreds of thousands of words and multiple books long. And, since I am a plantser, I can't share portions of it because it is all written and drafted out-of-order. I can't wait to drop the entire story on AO3 someday. That will be a glorious day.

6. Post links to your 3 fav fics: Well, all my proper "favorites" are the giant ones that haven't been posted yet. (The Three Houses one, Under My Wings, and the secret sparkling project.) My posted "favorites" differ day by day, depending on what mood I'm in. "To Bee a Leader" is ever dear to my heart. But, at present, I am partial to "Where Sorrow Rings" (FE Engage, during-canon angst) "Reigniting" (TLoZ Ocarina of Time during-canon drabble) "もう少しだけ"　(Death Note during-canon drabble)

7. How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences? I am invested in what is called "third-person deep POV." I love getting into the head, heart and soul (or, as Transformers would call all three together, the spark) of characters and wresting out their deepest thoughts, feelings, and very being. Line by line, droplet by droplet, I fish it out out of their darkened depths. So, yes, I feel what the characters feel. If I don't feel what the characters feel as I write, then my readers won't either as they read. That is one of my goals in writing characters within third-person deep POV: to make the readers feel what the characters are. Obviously, I can't 1:1 relate to everything my characters go through. Moreover, I hope I don't, since some of them go through some pretty nasty messes I wouldn't wish on anyone. 😂 But, I will thoroughly analyze my characters' perspectives from their shoes and see if anything across my personal experiences can be either directly or distantly relatable to that, and begin composing from there.

[tokidokitokyo]

2023年3月31日

TL;DR - Much busy, no time, some study!

March was my busiest month so far this year. Between rushing to finish work projects and getting sick, I am surprised I found time to do anything else! The reality of not having a lot of time but still wanting to fit in Japanese study is that I just have to use the time that I do have wisely.

When I worked late I had very little time to fit in Japanese study before bed, so I switched it up and did a bit of study right before work started. When I wasn't working late and had put the baby to bed I was usually exhausted, and I had to choose between watching something easy and letting my brain relax (sometimes you just need to do that!) and putting in some study time.

Life is about balance, and so is studying Japanese. You have to be consistent in your studying to make real progress, but you also have to make time for rest and self care. When I was sick I prioritized rest and myself so that I could get better, and let everything else go. When I was exhausted after work I prioritized rest and sometimes just studied for 5-10 minutes or even not at all.

The moral of this story is to take care of yourself. Studying is important for progress, but if you just don't feel like it or you need rest more than you need to drill 50 kanji, just take a break! I see people who feel guilty for taking a day or two or even a year off, but Japanese is more forgiving than that. Take some time to rest and refresh, and come back whenever you're ready!

Now, on to my study habits!

3月ってすごく忙しかった。仕事がめちゃ忙しくて、風邪も何回引いてて、休む時間も少なかったです！時間が無くてもどうしても日本語の勉強を進みたいと思って、頑張って少ない暇の時間で勉強する動力しました。

仕事の残業があった日は寝る前に勉強時間が無くなって、朝早く仕事始まる前にちょっと勉強しました。残業が無くても、息子の面倒を見て、寝かしつけの後でもめちゃ疲れてやる気ない日もありました。そして空っぽでテレビを見るか勉強するか、どっちか選べないといけませんでしたね。

人生というのはバランスが大事だから、日本語の勉強も、それともどんな勉強でもバランスが必要ですね。風邪を引いてたときはゆっくり休んで、勉強なんか諦めました。風邪が治るまでに休むしかやらなかったです。仕事の後めちゃ疲れたときも休みました。

つまり、自分のことを大事にしてください！勉強も大事だけど、無理してはダメですね。休みたいと思ったり、元気がなかったりしているとき休んでいいよ。一日、一週間、そして一年間でも大丈夫ですね。勉強がいつまでも待っているので、ごゆっくりどうぞ！

じゃ、まとめをはじめよう！

My 2023 Goals Progress

I laid out some broad goals for my Japanese study in my 2023 Japanese Language Goals post, so here I will update my progress towards these goals.

1. Read one page a day of 日本の歴史366 (にほんのれきし366) everyday in 2023.

In March, my routine schedule of reading one page (one entry) a day fell apart because of work and illness. I am still behind, but I am not (too) stressed out about it. I am back to reading one or two pages a day, and while part of me is frustrated that I am not caught up, I am trying to be calm about it and to enjoy the history readings, rather than have it be a chore I have to catch up on.

2. Finish 日本語総まとめ N3 (にほんごそうまとめ N3) workbooks.

I still haven't had as much time as I would like to go through these workbooks in detail, but I have made some time recently to work through some of them. I prefer to go through the four books I have (Vocabulary, Kanji, Grammar, Listening) at the same time, but I am trying to be satisfied with doing one "day" of one workbook at a time, since that is the best way to work it into my schedule.

3. Review and learn the first 6 levels of the 常用漢字 (じょうようかんじ), specifically the 教育漢字 (きょういくかんじ) up to grade 6.

This has definitely suffered in March, but I hope to get back into these kanji with flash cards in April.

4. Read at least one book every two months.

Do you see me laughing and crying at the same time? I did read a book club book from the Seitokai Bookclub but only because it was very short! But I read none of the books I wanted to read and hoped to have finished by April. Oh well!

5. Improve my speaking and writing by finding a tutor.

April is my month! I will find someone who will help me with speaking and writing (italki?) and I will finally achieve my writing goal in Japanese! (I hope!)

6. Study Japanese for at least 10 minutes a day.

Despite my hectic schedule, massive amounts of time dedicated to family, work, and illness, I managed to keep this going most of the time. Studying Japanese for AT LEAST 10 minutes a day has been a habit I have been keeping up since at least 2021. It also helps that I communicate with my family in Japanese daily. I spoke with someone the other day about learning Japanese, and my best advice, no matter how you choose to start learning Japanese, is to make it a habit to work on your Japanese every day. This is the one habit that all successful language students have (this one cool trick!).

March Study Log

March's study distribution graph and percentages reflects the lack of time I had to study and the ways I tried to fit in studying anyways.

Listening - This was the biggest area of study because I was not only spending more time trying to fit in Japanese study with podcasts, but I was also watching a lot of educational shows with my son. I don't count passive listening in my study log, but I also did quite a bit of that (other TV shows that I had on whilst doing other things, or Japanese shows with English subtitles).

Vocabulary & Kanji - I usually study most of my vocabulary and kanji with reading or with renshuu flash cards, but I also learned a lot of new words through conversation and through educational children's shows this month.

Vocabulary & Kanji flash cards (renshuu.org)

言葉で遊ぼう (Japanese wordle)

Speaking & Reading - I had to basically cut out reading for the month of March, except for the page-a-day history book (日本の歴史366) and the Seitokai Bookclub manga that I read. I still have 3 books I'd like to finish!

とつくにの少女 - manga, read in March

Writing & Grammar - These subjects really suffered. I prefer to spend a bit more time learning grammar, and writing really fell by the wayside as soon as I got busy. There's always April, though!

Going Forward in March

Work through 総まとめ workbooks more often, broken up into smaller chunks

Work more on 漢字 and specifically focus on the 教育漢字

Read 満月珈琲店の星詠み to the halfway point

Find a new study method to try out!

I try to make my goals reasonable, but it always seems like there is something that comes along and forces me to reduce them even more ^^;; I guess this month's lesson is to be flexible, take care of yourself, and stay 元気! I hope that everyone fulfills their study goals in April!

毎月、達成可能な目標を作ろうとしても、毎月、なんかあって、また目標を減らさないといけません。仕方ないね…　今月の一言は：頭が柔らかくして、自分を大事にして、そして元気でね！4月にみんなの日本語の夢が叶えるように！

[merinsedai]

Happy November!

Actually, I don’t really like November, usually. So many dark and gloomy days where I live; and so long until the weather will improve!

October roundup:

An up and down month. Started off with covid, so felt dreadful and just lived in my bedroom for the best part of a week whilst husbae did the full time job and all the parenting/meals etc etc. what a star he is.

Missed the wedding I was meant to attend as though I’d recovered enough to go, Mr 4 was ill and so I had to stay and look after him. Too late to cancel my hotel booking as well. Right bugger. In 2023, I have had three arrangements to meet actual friends in the flesh and I’ve managed 1 of those. The universe is set on me not having even a modicum of a social life.

I had to cancel my work that I’d booked, then there was no more work until the 30th. Some of that was half term, the rest… well there probably would have been work to pick up if I’d asked but I didn’t so… not a great month in the earnings department. Currently three days into a three week booking and that’s going ok.

Managed the birthday and the party without incident. Thank God for soft play and paying other people to basically do the whole thing for you. Don’t think I could’ve coped with running an old fashioned party at my house. All those 4/5 year olds… no thanks.

Made it to the caravan in Wales for the half term holiday. Mostly fine, as fine as holidays with small Chn can get. Miss 7 developed an appalling cold which she has subsequently passed to me. It is currently sitting in my chest and making me sound like a 40 a day smoker. Nice.

All that nice self care stuff I set up in September (the make up and body care stuff) was derailed when covid hit and hasn’t really picked up again. Turns out losing habits is far easier than maintaining. A bit of mascara here and there to stop me looking truly horrendous but not much else. Must get back to it. Still closing my rings, probably should up the goal to make it more challenging.

Actually managed to complete my October challenge- the sandtober daily drawing prompts. It was good. I did almost all of them the night they were ‘due’ c10pm, since inspiration never struck until then. It seems I still require the impetus of a deadline to actually get my arse in gear and do something. Did I improve over the month? Mm perhaps. I was exceptionally rusty, the only things I’d drawn in the past decade or so were shit renditions of Peppa Pig or the Octonauts for the toddlers. Toddlers are easily pleased, luckily. Also learned (no… confirmed. I already knew it) that I lack any creativity, because if there isn’t something to copy then I can’t do it. If there *is* something to copy, I can produce vague facsimiles (as long as no one is looking for shading or whatever) with varying degrees of success.

For November’s “thing”, I’ve signed to to a writing challenge. I don’t know why really, see above about the lack of creativity I possess. I just… came out a heart scan at the hospital and thought ‘fuck it’ and signed up. I’m even less practised in writing than I am in drawing (though I read voraciously and everyone knows that’s ‘so helpful for building vocabulary etc’ 😅) but… we shall see how it progresses.

OH and storm Babet blew down a massive bough from one of the old ash trees in my garden. It’s currently sitting and destroying the lawn, just waiting for the tree surgeons to come and take care of it and check that the rest of the tree is still ok.

This is a fooking big branch. We have a decent sized garden and it’s taking up most of it. The satellite branches we’ve removed already are six ft long. And they’re like twigs compared to the main thing.

[falling-pages]

Coffee Break: Hawks x Reader

Hi lovelies, I’m back with considerably better mental health. I’m still taking writing a bit at a time, slowly, taking my time editing and researching to improve, but I’m finally able to produce content I love again. I’m finally recovering all the joy of writing and now I’m focusing on writing what makes me happy. Thank you for all the sweet messages and support, it means the world to me :)

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Quirkless Reader x Hero Hawks

Fluff

Warnings: None

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“Americano with almond milk for you, chai latte for me.”

You had been so focused on your report that you didn’t even notice the window opening and your winged boyfriend climbing through until he slid your favorite drink in front of you. The smell was heavenly, steaming through the paper cup bearing your local shop’s logo. Your fingers still against the keyboard as you reach for it, stretching out your cramped digits. After typing for hours, any sort of movement sent discomfort rattling up your hands.

“Thanks, Kei,” you say as he hovers behind you, leaning down to kiss your cheek. 

He bent to wrap his arms and wings around you, clutching you close in your chair as you cradled your coffee to your chest. The little cocoon he had suddenly made enveloped you in warmth, cutting off your view of the computer with his beautiful red plumage. All you could see, sense, and smell was him.

He ran his lips up to your temple, the shell of your ear, the spot beneath your earlobe, giving little pecks of affection while he had you under his wings. What good were those wings, anyways, if he couldn’t use them to comfort you?

“Are you nearly done, dove?” he asked, snuggling his face into your hair. “You’ve been at this for hours. Honestly I didn’t know if you were human or one of those robots the captcha quizzes ask about.”

You chuckle, leaning back against his chest. The coffee is still extremely hot, and though your tired brain begs for it, you hold off until it cools down. Keigo gets fussy when you slurp your coffee too quickly and burn yourself. “I still have miles to go before I sleep.”

“Isn’t that some poem?” he asks. “Some American poet?”

“Robert Frost.” You twist your neck to look at him. “You remembered? You’re no poet.”

“But you are. And you quote a lot of them depending on the day.”

“Because they are applicable to my situation.” You turn back and move his feathers away from your computer, making a landing space for your still piping hot drink beside it. The bright white screen welcomes you back harshly, black lines of text still existing. When his red curtain shields you from it, you have a habit of forgetting it exists. Maybe that’s the point--making you forget your worries with kisses and gifts.

You try to lean forward to type again, but his arms hold you back. “Kei, thank you for the coffee, but I have to keep reading this report.”

“You’ve read it three times already tonight!” he whines. “The thing is 50 pages. I don’t know how your eyes haven’t fallen out of your head.”

He sends a feather to lightly touch the coozie around your coffee. Both he and the feather flinch at the contact. “At least wait until your coffee cools down,” he says. “Please? For me?”

Though the man is part bird, he can pull a very convincing puppy face. It’s true, you have gotten to the point where the lines have blurred into one massive pile of digital ink. And his plush wings and warm breath on your neck are oh so inviting.

“How did you know I’ve read it three times?” you ask softly, feeling your eyes begin to close.

“Hawks are very observant creatures,” he says. “They know when their lovebirds are tired.”

You sigh, allowing yourself to give up the ghost and slump against his collarbone. As much as you wanted to keep making revisions to the report, you knew you would force yourself into another all-nighter if you didn’t stop now. You had pulled three already this week, and Keigo had grown frustrated of going to bed alone. If you stayed up again, he would likely take matters into his own hands.

Breaks increase productivity, right?

“Okay,” you relent. “But only until my coffee cools.”

He chirps happily, sending a feather to close your laptop while he scoops you into his arms. The chirps were something you had to get used to, but once he cooed in your ear in his sleep, you couldn’t help but fall in love. He had tried so hard to hide his avain traits in the beginning of your relationship, still wary of all that the Commission had instilled in him, but with you he was free to be the man-bird hybrid his spirit longed to be--chirps, feathers, and nesting included.

You snatch your cup right before he picks you up. He brings you to the couch, where he lies down on his back and settles you against his chest, making you leave your drink on the coffee table. As you lie against him, head against his heart while his lips graze the top of your crown, his wings flutter over you and wrap in to swaddle the two of you together. Abdomen warmed by his body heat, legs tangled up in his, the throaty coos in your ear, his heartbeat slowly lulling you into peace...you knew what he was trying to do.

“I can’t sleep yet, Birdie,” you whisper, drawing a pattern with your finger on his other pec. “As much as I’d like to, this is just a little break. I can come to bed tonight if I get all my reading done.”

“You work so much,” he sighed. His Adam’s apple bobbed against the top of your head. “I think you need to relax a bit.”

“Cuddling you is relaxing,” you say, and though your voice hitched as if to continue, you left the sentence there. He already knew how hard you, being quirkless, had to work to make anything of yourself. It was hard enough to get a minimum wage job without some sort of quirk, much less get into law school, where rich prep kids with genetically-perfect powers took all the top ranks. You might have graduated top of your commoner class, but even your best strategies and most cut-throat arguments couldn’t hold a candle to those born with sharp tongues and persuasive tones. The only thing that kept you going was the fact that you could represent other quirkless clients--and, in that, maybe fight the discrimination you had grown up with.

“Lovebird.”

You turn to him, yanked out of your insecurities when you hear his soft voice utter a pet name only for you. Others might be dominating your class, but none of them were dating a certain winged hero.

“I don’t know how to make you see yourself the way I see you,” he said simply, reaching a hand through your hair. “I wish you could. God, I wish you could see how perfect you are, why I adore you so much. Why it hurts to see you pushing yourself beyond your healthy limit.”

A chord struck you. You knew your hectic lifestyle wasn’t the healthiest, but it never occurred to you that it hurt him. But, looking back, you should have known all the neglected attention and lonely nights, despite being just a room away, would affect him deeply.

He had deep abandonment issues, and he was likely reliving all of that now.

Keigo took a deep breath, running his fingers down your arm. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you. I know I can be clingy, and I’ve been trying to get better, but your schooling comes first. I don’t want to take that away from you just because I’m needy.”

“Kei,” you sigh, shifting under his wings. You turned onto your stomach, forearms on either side of his face, chest pressed against chest. He lazily wrapped his arms around your waist, lifting his wings slightly so you could move. His eyes slowly scanned your face. “You don’t have to apologize. You never bother me.”

He smiled, tucking your closer beneath his wings. “Really?”

Despite his usual sass and arrogant tone in hero work, his voice is sincere, his eyes shining. The predator in him relaxes into a more docile state.

“Really.” You smooth back his hair. “Thank you for taking care of me. Now, I believe my coffee has cooled.”

You push back the curtain of plumage and reach for your drink, rolling off of him to sit by his side. As soon as you raise the cup to your lips and take that blessed first sip, you know something is wrong.

“You got me decaf.”

Your voice is hard, scaling wildly back from the soft words you had uttered against his chest. He giggles, covering his mouth with his hands, but it doesn’t hide the red mirth coloring his skin. 

“How could you!” You whine, bouncing up and away from him. 

“You need to sleep!” he says. “You have been up all night the last few days, and I need you to sleep.”

You sniffle, blinking quickly to produce fake tears. “You traitor.”

Keigo rises to hug you, nuzzling his nose against your hair. “I’m sorry, (Y/N),” he whispers. As repulsed as you are, his hugs are too nice to refuse. “I’m only trying to take care of you.”

“I know. But next time--”

“Hmm?”

“You’re buying me regular.”

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If you enjoy what I write, please consider buying me a coffee :)

[kookiepredictions]

Jungkook Energy Reading

Jungkook is at a major crossroad of his life. Here, he has a choice to make between 2 roads that will potentially lead him to 2 completely different lives. The choices are to either stay the course that he has been following until now, or to level up to a new, challenging but highly rewarding stage. This is a very fun and interesting topic to discuss so I will take my time with this.

To give you a context, Jungkook is a very highly intuitive person since, like, forever. Ever wondered why (or how) out of... (was it 7?)... so many company offers he chose to be with a small company for a reason that might seem like a whim? Ever wondered why his social media posts gain so much traction? Why he trends so often? If you’ve felt like Jungkook is one of those people who just “gets it” that’s because of his natural intuitive abilities. At the cost of being hated on, I’ll say this: he’s not the best singer in the world. Yet, he makes magic with his voice every time. He is an average dancer. Yet, he commands the stage and holds attention like nobody’s business. That’s because Jungkook has always worked with energy without knowing that he did. That’s why a lot of his achievements seem almost effortless. Yes, he works really hard for everything, but so do a lot of other people. Jungkook has this innate quality of (almost) always making the right choices, being at the right place at the right time that, combined with his ability to work hard, creates these massive outcomes. He’s a super powerful clairsentient and although I’m not sure if he consciously he uses his gifts, subconsciously it has often rewarded him, and so far he hasn’t had to really think about it too much, because it’s a naturally-occurring habit for him. But now he has reached a threshold where he has to contemplate things. Needless to say, it’s outside his comfort zone and is making him VERY stressed. He’s at a juncture where he feels this strong pull towards a direction but is afraid to go there because it’s out of his comfort zone and as is the case with that, he is plagued with doubts, confusion, opposing logics, etc— all of which is keeping him stuck and stagnant like a deer caught in headlights.

What is the problem with staying in his comfort zone, you might ask, I mean it has worked for him so far. Generally speaking, there’s no problem. There is never a problem in this world nor is there any good or bad. It all depends on how we see things. That’s why one person’s curse turns out to be another’s blessing, and one’s trash another’s treasure. The problem here is that, Jungkook has done the unthinkable— he has started to have dreams and desires (lol sorry not sorry I like to be dramatic). For a while (maybe a year or so?) Jungkook has been in this place (mentally and emotionally) where he has been rethinking and reinventing his goals, plans etc for his future. He has lived quite a while with a certain idea of how his life is going to go and worked with that vision. But it was getting tiring and draining in a way he didn’t quite understand why, followed by something impactful that happened in his life— has made him question everything. He has been proverbially studying himself in the mirror and rediscovering his true self. This is literally changing everything about his life. His wants are changing, the things that make him happy (or sad) are changing, and he has been think A LOT about how he wants his life to look like from here on. He’s trying to manifest a life that he thinks will not just give him the usual, practical material comforts of life, but also make him happy and fulfilled from a soul-deep space. And as is the case with manifestations, the first thing you gotta do is make sure your mindset is aligned with what you’re desiring. This is where Jungkook is at right now. He knows what he wants, he is willing to put in the work that it takes, and has also been making plans and taking action... but wait a second. Just when he thought that it is time for him to reap the rewards of his actions, things seem to be going south for him. He is facing problems and obstacles in nearly all areas of his life, and this has him utterly confused because he thinks he has done everything right and yet, why is he not seeing results materialize yet? He’s growing tired of this journey and it’s even more confusing because on the one hand, he still feels like he has hope and that there’s a high possibility that things will go his way, yet on the other hand, what IS happening in reality is quite the opposite. He feels like he’s being pulled in 2 opposite directions and both have equally strong reasons to go towards. This is what is known as “the crossroads”.

The reason he is not seeing results is like I said, manifestations are ALL about the mindset. Point blank period. If you hold a pendulum suspending by the string, and just THINK about moving it without moving your hand at all, it starts moving. This is how pendulum readings work. This is a small yet telling exercise to show how our mindset literally controls all our actions. So without the right mindset, actions mean nothing because those actions are coming from a mindset that is not aligned with what you want to manifest. This is what is happening with Jungkook. He is making his plans and taking action, like he has been trying to have a healthy routine, eat clean, exercise, practice his skills, etc but he is doing all of this from an outdated mindset. It’s like building a house of cards over a slanted surface. No matter how carefully you stack the cards, they come crashing down because the foundation is not right. His plans are great, his efforts are sincere, but are based on a very limited mindset. He thinks, well I’ll do this and this and then I’ll do that and that and then... but something goes wrong, some plans backfire, some work related problems come up, financial setbacks happen, and he is back to square one again. Then he feels unmotivated and goes into depressive episodes and eventually picks himself up and tries again but the whole thing happens again. He is now tired and feels he has no fights left and also feels it’s all useless because the Universe seems to be working against him. But that’s not the case. The Universe is simply telling him that no matter how hard he tries (because that’s kinda Jungkook’s mindset right now: if it didn’t work, try harder and harder next time), nothing will come to fruition if the mindset at the base of it all changes. And the same cycle will continue.

This crossroad is an opportunity for him to level up, not at the action point, but at the mindset point. He has to switch from the “work hard, struggle, chase” mindset to the “attract effortlessly” mindset. Now, this is not something new for Jungkook. Like I said, he is a natural intuitive and has actually attracted most of the things in his life quite effortlessly if you consider the fact that he has achieved more at 23 than most people have in their entire lives. The “struggle” is showing up because it is a crossroad. So no matter how competent, accomplished, or karmically good or bad you consider yourself to be, everyone struggles at some point or the other, when it is time to level up. I mentioned earlier that he is a Clairsentient and his comfort zone is to live his life according to his feelings without giving much thought to them and for a very long time, it’s worked out just fine. But now it is time for him to step into the role of a Claircognizant and to give a voice to his feelings. The Universe has been pushing this role at him for a while now, which has manifested in his life into a lot of overthinking, which is the shadow side of claircognizance. It entails a very active mind so at the beginning stages of honing this skill, you tend to struggle with overthinking and your mind sort of being all over the place. Think of your mind as an out-of-control river which floods everything around, but when you train your mind, and make it follow a course, it becomes life-saving. Because in the raw form, any spiritual gift comes with a lot of sharp ends, Jungkook is resisting this gift. He is stressed from all the overthinking and feels lost and out of control. So he tends to go back to his comfort zone and work from his old mindset and keeps facing obstacles. Now you might think, wow, being a Clairsentient is no joke either, so why bother about being a Claircognizant? Like leave the boy alone jeez. But like I always say, the Universe gives us all free will. There is no forcing him. He has made this choice when he started asking for this new, improved, happier life. This is something he is trying to manifest and to do that, he needs to have the right resources. At this point in his life, even being a Clairsentient (which is still awesome) is a limiting existence for him. Jungkook is an old soul. It might be interesting for you to know that he is the oldest soul in all of BTS and he is an older soul than his parents and brother as well! However, his old soul combined with a young mind and the fact that he is the youngest person in both his family and his BTS family, wreaks havoc within him. He often finds himself in situations where he feels deeply and profoundly but cannot express the depth of his feelings externally. This manifests as a throat chakra blockage even though he has a very strong and developed throat chakra (the reason why he is so expressive when he sings and is very facially expressive when dancing and just generally very expressive when he creates social media content from a fun, good mood space). Like I said, it’s a limit. So far it wasn’t as necessary to address this. But as he ages and his life progresses, he misses this skill set. He thinks it’s about his vocabulary, but it really is just about putting a voice to his inner feelings. He could feel it strongly inside when something is right or wrong, but he can rarely tell you why. He’s a good judge but he’s a terrible lawyer lol. And it’s not even telling or convincing others, it’s about telling yourself— KNOWING what you feel and why. Now, in this whole period of dilemma, he is starting to doubt his old gifts as well. He is starting to doubt his feelings and the ability to tell the right from wrong through his feelings— because that’s what energetic stagnation feels like; it feels like degeneration of everything that is, unless you decide to build something new upon the decaying old.

This jump from Clairsentience to Claircognizance can also be likened to the jump from the 3rd eye chakra to the Crown Chakra. And I don’t mean chakras in the sense that exist and govern various activities in our bodies. I mean it in the sense of the journey of consciousness of the various aspects of our existence, from the Root to the Crown. A renowned spiritual teacher had once said that the journey from the Root to the 3rd Eye Chakra has paths and procedures, but the journey from the 3rd Eye to the Crown Chakra has no path, no process, no formula. It is based on faith and faith alone. It’s a blind jump off the cliff, “knowing” that you are safe. Up until the 3rd Eye, you might be connected, but you are still operating within limits, all of which are of course self-imposed. Jungkook is at this point where he is asked by the Universe to step into his limitlessness. I have discussed in his career reading that he is meant to do some really huge things in his lifetime, which is crazy considering he already has done pretty epic things. The phrase “chosen one” always comes to mind when I talk about Jungkook, but I’d like to clarify this phrase first. We generally tend to see this term as something that sets one apart from others, as if they are special and privileged. But know that the Divine never differentiates. Each and every human has been created exactly the same in terms of capabilities. So it all comes down to free will and personal choice of which path each of us chooses. The thing to know about Jungkook is that he is one of the most sincere people on earth— actually as far as I’ve observed THE most sincere. And before Armys comes for me, yes, all of BTS are sincere. But spiritually speaking, Jungkook is still more sincere not just compared to the rest of the members but the general collective as well. He is, at his core, a very purpose-driven person. He is the least matrix-controlled, for those who know these concepts. He can’t do things just for the sake of it. It’s important for him to have meaning and purpose behind everything he does. Sadly though, he has spent the past few years doing exactly the opposite. He has been stuck in a cycle of activities that don’t bring joy to his soul and this has been sucking the life force out of him and he has been feeling more and more drained and has developed escapist tendencies. But it’s not that he has been externally forced to do these things, at least not always. It’s more so a result of lack of consciousness on his part. He didn’t know he was doing these things. He did what he did believing that he was doing the right thing— earning money, paying bills, securing a materially comfortable life— you know, all of the matrix stuff. But like I said, he does not easily fit into the matrix. While a lot of people spend their entire lifetimes plugged into the matrix, Jungkook is the type to sense discomfort very quickly and want to escape. The reason being, as I said earlier, he is an old soul and has lived many lifetimes developing awareness and his spiritual growth. This is why in this lifetime, he is naturally a lot more evolved than most (or all) of the collective. But since we do not remember our past lives and only carry that “growth” in our DNA, it’s something that is inherent to him without him actually knowing about it— until recently. Jungkook has been undergoing his spiritual awakening, and has been developing consciousness bit by bit— breaking out of the matrix so to speak. It’s this reason that he is “chosen” to do what he is about to do. Not because he has been unfairly selected out of many others, but because he has made this choice for himself and been working sincerely over many lifetimes. For this reason, Jungkook tends to have very pure emotions, and by pure I don’t mean non-sexual (because there’s nothing impure about sexual feelings). By pure I mean raw, unadulterated. He has very heightened sensibilities and feels every emotion to their purest essence, gifting him with high Emotional Intelligence. Unfortunately, this is not always a good thing because uncontrolled, he often tends to overwhelm himself with his mixed bag of feelings and this also causes the aforementioned escapism tendencies. And this is one more reason why he should level up. Regulating and organizing his myriad emotions and giving them a shape, a course will help him channel these gifts into fulfilling his dreams and creating big things in life. There are many things he can do, like journaling, writing down his dreams, goals, plans and procedure on paper, create routines based on his goals, etc but I feel like he is past this stage and is probably stuck in the part where he is doing everything and sometimes he has his wins but these wins are not becoming stable, and he is still getting his tower moments from time to time. This should mean one thing— he has reached the last stage of this journey, which like I said, is the journey to the Crown Chakra— the state of complete faith.

When discussing the concept of complete faith, we often use terms like blind faith, unquestioning faith, etc and while these terms are not exactly wrong per se, they can create misunderstandings. The Divine has blessed us with the ability to think, question and judge, not for nothing. Is it possible to have blind faith? Of course, lots of people do. But it’s also POTENTIALLY harmful to have faith in anything without actually having a knowhow of it. It’s not necessary of course, but for those who reach that level of consciousness, it is not just important, but absolutely essential to know the ins and outs and still have faith. I say it is more difficult to have complete faith with your eyes open than to have blind faith. Claircognizance at its best, is just that. While so far, your gut feeling has served you well and led you this close to the Divine, it is now time to employ your mind to catch up with your gut feeling and make sense of it all. While you learnt to open your eyes to the truth up until now, it is time to learn to keep your eyes open without blinking again and defend and embody the truth with your whole existence. This is literally the riskiest gamble. Like I said, jumping off the cliff. And that’s what Jungkook is being asked to do. So far he has been getting clarity about himself, his life and his path forward and treading cautiously with his small efforts and small wins, it is time for him to take the big leap forward. But the question of course is, how? And to where? While the details of this answer are with Jungkook, it has to start with releasing his limiting mindset. Have you ever noticed that whenever we have limited beliefs about something, either money or love or peace, the underlying belief is always that “I am limited”, “I have limited abilities”, “I have limited resources” etc. Meaning, any limits that we place on our external lives are actually limits that we think WE have. Money exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to earn money. Love exists in this world, but I think I am limited in my potential to find love. You get the point. We actually do not think resources are limited, we think they are limited for us. Sometimes “us” means me as an individual, sometimes it means us as the entire population (cue: global warming, world peace, etc). Jungkook right now, is in the prime position to step out of this limited mindset into his unlimited potential. He has been operating from his limited mindset which is why his plans, no matter how well made, are failing. He has these big, beautiful dreams and has created this beautiful, peaceful life in his mind, but his old mindset is not aligned with this abundant life. The Universe has been nudging him in the direction of the mindset that he needs to adopt to align with his manifestations. I have written earlier somewhere that Jungkook thinks quite poorly of himself as a person and has self worth issues. In reality, he is the most sincere person Mother Earth has right now who has been working so hard for so long to reach this level of consciousness, it is safe to say no one else is as worthy as him to get everything that we wants. But by having these beliefs about himself, he is blocking the rewards that are meant to come to him. It’s like he has paid the price in advance, but is not accepting the delivery. Both because of being BTS’ golden youngest, Korea’s national pride, all the sweeping predictions about his future, and also his inner voice speaking to him, he is almost too aware of the great big things he is supposed to achieve, and although he does want them, a part of him is also scared and wants to run and hide and settle for something far less aka stay put in his comfort zone— all because of his limited mindset where he thinks he is not worthy of such things. And if you think you’re not worthy, obviously you’re going to think that it’s going to be an impossible task, which eventually either makes you take all the wrong actions, or not take action at all. This is why, no matter what his goals and plans, and no matter what actions he thinks of taking, he has to start with his mindset first. In fact, while manifesting, if I can tell you to do just one thing, it is to address the limits in your mindset. We’ve heard this many times and it sounds so simple but it really is the most, if not only, important step that matters. If the mindset is aligned with your goal, all actions will effortlessly flow towards that goal.

I feel like Jungkook has reached a level of self awareness and inner self dialogue where he is able to identify where his thoughts and emotions are going. He has definitely gotten a far better grip on his emotions than when I started this page, and contrary to what he thinks, his growth has been swift. It’s just that, we always expect a linear growth but that doesn’t happen with spirituality. And so every time he has a down time, he feels like he is back to square one. More so because Jungkook has such a perfectionistic and high achiever mentality. The reason why he seems to be going in a loop right now is because he has learnt and achieved everything that he has to with his current “limited” mindset. Hi future goals require him to grow out of that, not because his goals are something huge and difficult to achieve (because literally small and big are subjective both to humans and to the Universe) but because having a limitless mindset simply means to believe that I am worthy of achieving anything and everything I desire— without conditions. This is the mindset that Jungkook needs to work on adopting right now and everything else will smoothly flow from there. He needs to utilize the power of his mind— awareness, reasoning and self dialogue— to identify wherever he limits himself from believing his worthiness to achieve what he wants to have, and continue this practice until this new “I can f***ing have anything that I want” mindset is his default. Does it worry you that Jungkook will become an egotistical prick after that? Don’t worry, his soul has done enough work in the past to be grounded and humble through it all. This mindset is different from the ego-driven power-hungry mindset. Why? Because this power is the Source power. When we settle into our Crown Chakra consciousness aka Divine consciousness, we plug ourselves into the Source’s limitless creative power. The difference between ego-driven power and Source power is that while the former separates the individual from others, Source power recognizes the individual’s power as connected to and drawing from the Cosmos and therefore one we must give back to. It’s this constant cycle of giving and receiving in the Universe that makes Source power limitless, while the ego’s idea of power is one-sided and therefore finite.

Jungkook is kind of stuck in a place where, because he sees himself as limited, he looks to others to guide him, assure him, and provide him with the knowledge and direction that he needs. And that is because he has been disconnected from Source— not literally, but consciousness-wise. So far it wasn’t too bad, but now it is time for him to let go of the need for mediators and plug himself directly to the Source, i.e. work on his Crown Chakra. And as I mentioned earlier, it is as simple as just using your conscious mind to tell yourself, or more accurately, remind yourself, of your worth and your limitlessness. Jungkook feels like he needs someone to guide him, but he has forgotten that he has been prepared for the exact same task that he looks to another to do. Now this has a connection to his Twin Flame journey because his twin is at the same threshold, ready to level up to the same stage. The only slight difference is that she has already made her choice to level up to the new stage of limitless consciousness. And now it is up to Jungkook to make his. Do you what that means? It means a Union is on the horizon! After a long period of back and forth— one of them goes through a stage first then the other follows, and vice versa— they are finally going to be on the same page energetically, if Jungkook makes the choice. This is significant because Jungkook has been thinking that Union was something that was out of his control and he had nothing to do but to sit and wait, but all the while, it was a choice he had to make. Now, of course, this choice is not as simple as saying Yes or No. It’s a choice of consciousness— a consistent way of life that will, over time, upgrade and align their mindsets so they are both at the exact same stage. As twinflames, Jungkook and his DF are like the same person living in 2 different, alternate universes, with completely different lifestyles, work situations and challenges and the way they process these situations and challenges are similar, but not on the same page at the same time. They are soully same, yet because of their mortal forms being born and being raised in different environments, their ego-bodies have retained conditioning that make them different from each other in many ways, but as they shed their ego programming and connect more and more with their soul and with Source, they will be on the exact same page. This is when Union will occur. When they truly become one person in heart and mind. But this stage right now (i.e. before Union) is also the most challenging because this is where Separation truly happens. Physical separation is the least important aspect of the TF separation. This is where they are both on their own. They must individually find their faith aka go back to the Source, because without their connection to the Source, there is no TF connection; it becomes just another earthly connection riddled with alternating bouts of joy and sorrow, peace and pain. Usually in this journey, one twin is a more advanced journeyer than the other, who first “activates” the other i.e. leads them to their consciousness and guides them, usually energetically where when one twin crosses a stage, the other is literally pulled into that stage for them to cross. It’s like only one twin gets to make the choice and the other has no choice but to follow suit. This is also the reason why one twin feels more helpless and out of control. They are literally being yanked around by their twin’s energetic choices lol. But at this juncture, the guide twin has to leave the other twin’s hand, not because they don’t want to hold on, but because they can’t— they have nothing more to offer. This is where both twins get to make their choices individually. This stage is new for both of them and therefore they must individually cross this stage and meet at the other side. This is the period of ultimate spiritual growth, the after effect of which is blissful togetherness. But possible only if both twins make their choice to move forward.

 I’ll end this post with a message from Jungkook’s DF:

 Jeongguk,

I hope you’re holding up okay, partner, cuz I know I’m getting my ass kicked. Did you absolutely hate this journey? Because I didn’t. Just like you, I didn’t know what I signed up for either. I made a simple wish and this road has been bumpy but it has also had the most incredible views along the way. The way I have grown over these recent times compared to my whole entire life is crazy! I love who I have become and who I continue to become. And I believe you had a part to play in this. I know you don’t believe that so much. I know you battle with your own doubts, fears and insecurities, just like I battle with mine. You still measure your importance with how much you do for others. But maybe someday I can tell you how much you have done for me simply my existing as who you are. Because who you are will determine what you will always do, not just once or twice. And you have grown so much too! I have sensed that often. But unless we learn to recognize our growth, we don’t see it. But since I had VIP seating lol I got to watch you grow. Sometimes you resisted, sometimes you fought, sometimes you hoped, sometimes you held on to the faith when I was ready to give up, sometimes you were hurtful and challenged me to find within myself new depths of love and understanding. You made me cry, you made me laugh, you made me angry, you made me blush. But you never left. And I didn’t leave either. We tried though. Both of us. And failed. Repeatedly. It’s been frustrating and funny. How we thought we could get away and the Divine kept guiding us back to each other. You know, I think the problem is that we’re both helplessly curious idiots. Always wanting to know more, always wanting to move ahead. Obstacles never had a chance with us. We were always the introspective types, you and I, always looking to solve our problems, hungry for growth. As they say, careful what you wish for.

I am aware of your expectations of me, always was. But I had to hold back. I couldn’t do anything that I wasn’t fully ready to do. Right or wrong, I had to do as I felt guided to do— it’s my sovereign right. I guess because deep down I knew that you would understand. Of all people, you would understand. And I was right, you did. You threw hands and made a mess often lol but you still did understand and patiently stuck around each time. I know it seems like I’ve been running further and further away from you, but I have actually been getting closer to you. Spiritually. I guess soon it’s going to be visible as well. Now there is this stage. It feels like a strange place to be in right now. Good strange. I know you are scared and doubtful and expect me to assure you that everything will be alright. How can I? I am scared and doubtful too. Every day, I am in these juxtaposed energies of faith and doubt, sorting through them like... one moment I am super believing, another moment I’m all nope can’t do.

I know you want me to say that I love you and that I always will, and to promise that if we take this journey, I will be there waiting for you. And I want to. I really REALLY want to make these promises to you. But in the past I have been in situations where these promises were made and then conveniently forgotten later. I’m trying not to let my past control my present or future but I have also learnt that words can be forgotten, but intentions are forever. And that is what I want to say to you: I have the intention. I intend to make this work. When the time is right, I intend to give this my best shot. Tbh, I feel like I have been giving this my best shot for a while now, but maybe we don’t agree on that lol. And I also want to tell you that I’ve never felt about anyone else what I feel about you and I don’t think anyone else can ever take your place in my life. What that means exactly I don’t know yet.

The reason why I tell you neither what to do nor what not to do is because I don’t want to control your life. I know you me to show some ownership on you, and you on me, but believe me, you’ll hate it there. I’ve been there suffocating and it’s the most beautiful feeling to make your own mistakes, learn your own lessons, and watch yourself become your own artwork masterpiece and I don’t want to take away that experience from you. This is not my apathy. This is my gift to you. Also, yes I’m a pretty generous and just generally amazing person lol but do you really think I write pages after pages for just anyone and for no reason? Put two and two together silly.

You doubt your worth so much and since I do that too, I know how that works and won’t hold that against you, but it seems like now you have no choice but to see your worth. You must know, that I’m leaving you alone only because I’m confident you’ll find your own way. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been confident in you. Maybe I will falter again. But don’t you see, that’s the point? I will never be fully confident in you until you are confident in yourself. The more you doubt, the more I doubt too. But I’ve been observing you for a long time now and it’s just so hard to not trust you. Even with all the doubts and apprehensions constantly attacking me from all directions, I keep going back to you. I really hope my gut feeling about you is right or I’ve just made a big booboo lol. The funny thing is, I don’t care as much now. It’s almost like, fine, if anything, this will go down in my history as a wonderful, fun mistake and I don’t think I will ever regret it because in this moment I’m doing what I want to do— either it leads to a reward or a lesson, both are welcome. I have never been THIS vulnerable in my life like I hear myself say these things and I sound so crazy and stupid lol I’m so not my sassy and smartassy self right now.

As I was saying, I really do believe you’ll find your way. I don’t even know what that way is, or what your problems are, but I know you will solve them all. I’ll just be here, solving mine. How do I know for sure we can solve all problems? Because each one of the 7 billion people can. The only reason they don’t is that they don’t have a strong enough reason to push themselves to do that. Do we have a strong enough reason? How much do our dreams mean to us? For me, I have had this picture painted of this perfect life for a while. And yes, it has you in it. Very prominently. In my mind, it’s this beautifully balanced, harmonious, vibrant relationship with a forever after. And I don’t want to ruin that picture for short term hedonism. So I really believe, if our reason is strong enough, if this means that much to us, no obstacle can limit us from getting what we want. You’re not the only one who goes after what he wants and never gives up. I’m somewhat of that breed too. It’s just that this has clearly been a journey and it has brought some wild surprises along the way. I’ve struggled but now I’m learning to accept anything that comes with it. If the road leads me to my destination I don’t care how bumpy it is. It’s literally up to you right now. And I promise, it’s not even that difficult when you let go of resistance. All you have to do is consistently believe that you have limitless power to achieve anything you want and to create your reality the way you want it. I know it’s been a struggle and it feels like just the opposite, but it’s been that way because believe it or not, YOU have had these limiting beliefs about yourself and what you can create. I also know it’s been a long road and you’re tired, but it’s safe to drop the defences now. You might feel like certain situations or certain people are out of your control and how could you ever have things work your way, but it’s all in the mindset. The moment you reset your mindset and stick with it, you will see your reality change. In any situation, do not focus on the external events— they are simply the results of your previous mindset. Rather, ask yourself, what limiting thoughts and beliefs you have in your mindset right now and proceed to change them. I promise to you, people and situations will change to suit your needs, without ever having to deal with anyone. All this WILL happen, so don’t give up until they do. Twinflame, soulmate, karmic, friends, partners, colleagues— everyone will adjust according to your needs when YOU step into your limitlessness. Remember, it’s not just you who are tied to your karmics, they are tied to you too. An attachment exists from both sides. You don’t have to worry over the other person severing the tie, it’s enough if you let go of your end. Ask yourself, what are the common energies I share with my karmic? Identify these energies, heal the underlying trauma and ascend from them. This automatically ends your karmic contract and your karmic is free from you as well, no matter what their status is. The reason your karmics exist is because deep in your mindset you still believe that that’s your place and that’s what you’re worthy of— it’s part of the comfort zone you’re still stuck in.

I wish you well, my favorite human, I really hope I find you at the end of this journey. I want everything that you want. There are so many shared dreams and goals that we have— I will tell you all about my dreams one day. Until then I need to live some of these on my own, go on a little solo adventure, while I let you go on yours. And when it’s over and we’re ready (and no we’re not ready right now no matter how much you try to convince me lol) I promise I will see you again. When and how, I have no idea, but I’m happy to leave that to however the Divine guides us. I promise I’ll never forget you because I literally can’t. Love you!

[internalsealpanic]

Love Through the Ages (Tim Drake)

Summary:  Love like baggage needs to be declared.

a/n: This is part two of a series that is a fic rec list disguised as a fic. For these fics, most of the characters will be speaking different languages, so unless specified otherwise assume that the characters are speaking in the first language I mention. They’re all vampires with centuries under their belt. Why wouldn’t I make them all polyglots.  Also, thank you to the proof reading gang for putting up with my shenanigans.  I will have links to the fics I recommend in the fic itself.

Warnings: Everyone is dramatic.

Masterlist

Series Masterlist. 

You watch the rusty green of the warehouse wall disappear behind a spray of orange paint. There is nothing more satisfying than watching paint make old things new. 

A whistle interrupts your reverie, making the can slip from your hand. You swear, the harsh syllables echoing in the empty air. The can bounces down the scaffold and lands in someone’s hands. Tim’s face gets sprayed with a mist of orange. He makes a noise and rubs at his face. You bark out a laugh and he grimaces at you. The begrudging fondness obvious on his face. 

He waves at you, eyes still stinging from the paint. Giddiness flourishes in your chest. “I knew I’d find you here!” He shouts in a dialect of Mandarin that you hadn’t heard in ages.

It takes you a moment to understand him. You’re honestly extremely rusty. It takes you another moment to realize that it made no sense for him to find you. “How?” You shout back in Romanian. 

Tim shakes his head, throwing his hand over his shoulder. “Open canvas.”

You snort, looking down at him. Tim’s breath catches as he stares up at you, your smile. You’re haloed by sunlight. You look like an angel descending from heaven.

Tim’s forced to pick up his jaw when he hears your voice again. You’re tapping your watch. The words are lost to him.

“What?!”

You shake your head, strands of hair coming loose from behind your ear. “I asked...” You shout in a coarse frawl. “... Isn’t it a bit early for you to be here?”

It was. 

He was only 30 minutes early. No big deal. 

He shrugs. “I just wanted to watch you paint.” He says, trailing off. Oh God, Tim thinks. Does he sound lovesick? Is Cassie right? He pushes the thoughts down, opting to look at the building instead. On the side of the building was an immaculate portrait of the Red Hood rendered like a saint, haloed in golden light and surrounded by your orange marigolds. It would look at home in any grand cathedral. Your talents never ceased to amaze him.

“Should I ask why you’re defacing a building?”

You turn back to the building picking up a can of yellow paint. You tilt your head. “It’s a massive improvement, yes?”

Tim looks around. The pavement is littered with wet trash mixed. The buildings were rusted. Everything else is covered in grime. “You’re rude…  but not wrong.”

You preen, electing to ignore the first half. You turn back to your canvas before Tim can get another word in. He knows he’s lost you. 

“So, why *the* Red Hood?” 

You look away from the portrait, setting the can of yellow spray paint. It sprays your sweatshirt and Tim laughs. You stick your tongue out at his face flushing. You liked this sweatshirt. He gave it to you the last time you had meandered into Gotham. “Why not? We’re in the Bowery. He’s like a saint here.” You snip, switching to Russian. Ok, that made sense. You toss your sweatshirt into Tim’s face. The fabric is lousy with the smell of paint and of 5-hour energy drinks. It was an improvement over the pungent odor of garbage. 

He tries to rub the orange paint on his face away before he tucks your sweatshirt beneath his arm. You’re still looking down at him, wry amusement on your face. “I’ll paint your beloved Red Robin when I get to China Town. Heard he was quite popular in those parts.”

Tim’s heart flutters.  He stutters out his next question. “Why are you using spray paint for this type of illustration?”

“Kon said I couldn’t do it.”

Tim snickers, “As if Kon could tell the difference.”

You frown only realizing your mistake. You curse under your breath. Tim doesn’t stop laughing at you. “Shut up!” You snarl.

Tim dodges the next paint can you throw but the next one hits him square in the face. You grin triumphantly. Tim raises a middle finger at you and you giggle in response. You feel bad, seeing him wince in pain. You’d buy him apology tea later but for now, you clasp your hands and call out to him sweetly. “Sorry, Timmers!”

Tim, equally as mature and well aware that you’re only half sorry, blows out a breath, muttering something colorful before shouting back: “we should get going if we wanna eat out after looting the museum.”

At that, you launch yourself off the scaffolding, your body feeling weightless as it falls. Tim drops your sweatshirt as he holds his arms out to catch you. He catches you easily. You two spin as you wrap your arms around him. 

“You are certifiably insane.” He laughs. His nose smooshed against yours. 

“And so are you.” You snort, hugging him. 

He hugs you back. You hum so softly into his hair that Tim wouldn’t be able to tell it from a breath if he were human.  Tim holds you close, hugging your waist tightly. He doesn’t really want to let you go. You don’t either.  You and Tim stand there for a bit when you hear his cell beep. 

“Why does your phone sound like a pager?” 

“Because Babs told me how to.”

“That literally explains nothing.”

“I’m not taking crap from the gremlin who had ‘Baby Shark’ as their ringtone for 12 months. WILLINGLY.”

You pout at him, your face so close to his. Tim’s only half paying attention to your defense. To be fair, it basically boiled down to ‘it isn’t that bad’ and ‘Bart’s ringtone is worse’. 

After a short shopping trip and a cab ride later, you arrive at the museum in fresh clothes and less paint on his face for Tim. 

“All the World’s a Stage. They botched it! The nerve! The barbarity of it all. It's just like when they botched ‘Words with Friends’ or ‘In Ice We Trust’ or even ‘Tomcat’. That last one was pretty much gift wrapped for them!” You say throwing up your hands nearly hitting Tim and whatever poor bastard was unlucky enough to be behind you. 

“For someone who isn't invested in modern media, you're getting fired up.” Tim chuckles, eyes flickering behind you. You had managed to miss the people behind you but you do have a rather conspicuous space behind you. 

“They had such good material to work with”  you say, gesticulating wildly. “And- and they butchered it.”

“You need a 5 minute breather?” Tim asks, resting a hand on your back. 

 “Shut up,” you laugh.

Tim grins at you as if he had no idea what this ultimate betrayal feels like. 

Determined to prove him wrong, you say : “C'mon, Timothy,  you ranted like this when they botched the star thingy.”

“It’s Star Wars, you heathen.”

“Star. Thingy.” You repeat, crossing your arms. 

Tim squints at you. You know he’s not gonna blow up at you but somehow that’s scarier. 

“You can pay for your own cab later.” He grumbles. 

“Star. Thing-Y.” 

Tim turns to leave. This always worked. Always without fail, you grab at his hand, lacing your fingers with his. Tim tries not to smile.

“Fine.”

“Was that so hard?”

“It was excruciating actually.”

“You're being dramatic.” He says, showing the woman behind the ticket counter your passes. 

“Excuse me, I left all my drama in the Renaissance.”

“Oh really?”

“Ok not really but admit that both Andromeda and Stars, Forgive Me have better writing.“ You bite out.

 “I- That’s unfair,” he says. You raise your brow in response. 

“...”

“Fine,” he sighs. “But admit that Andromeda should have been named ‘Space Whores’.”

You squint at him then smile. “Oh abso-posi-tute-ly.”

 “Have you seen this dirty old hockey mask?” You ask, tapping the glass as if the hockey mask would react if you just agitate it enough. 

 “What is that?” Tim asks, looking over your shoulder. His brows crinkles when he sees the mask. “How is that romantic?”

You hum. “Ask the curator?” You suggest, looking around. He was usually out and about. He could never sit still even if he tried. You lean down narrowing your eyes at the plaque. “Says here some dude called Jason terrorized 3 kids over summer.”

“That’s very romantic for our Jay to do.” Tim says, crossing his arms and switching to Cantonese. It was a weird habit but you knew why. Apparently for all Jason’s skill in languages he somehow could not get a handle on Cantonese. 

 “Not that Jason.” You say, smirking. 

“You sure?” Tim asks, leaning closer to you. 

You snicker,  “As in character as that would be...”

“True,” he says, edging closer and closer to you. You rock on your heels nervously at the proximity. “It’s a shame, I thought there would be a machete to match too…” You can feel Tim’s breath on your cheek. 

“OH LOOK AT THIS.” You say twisting away and pointing to a black and white photo. Tim’s hands leave his sides to grab for you, to pin you to his chest, but he has enough self control not to. Instead, he follows you.

“It’s just a man and a woman in business suits. Yanno something you can see in any metropolitan city.”

“Yes but,” you say, tracing a nonsensical pattern into the air, “I’ve heard a story about this, they were both extremely rich and heads of their companies, went from enemies to lovers - my all time favourite.” 

Tim looks closer at the photo of the man and woman with their backs to the camera just holding hands along the NYC sidewalk. It’s cute. “I thought your favorite was lovers to enemies.”

“Well of course, it is! The drama, the absolute tragedy. It’s better than any trope in existence. But I love that this is just black and white. You don’t need anything else to indicate they’re in love with each other.”

Tim is all too tempted to point out that that likely wasn’t intentional, that it was a limitation of the time, but the look in your eyes robbed him of his breath, so he swallowed his thoughts. 

Your eyes rove over the room frantically in search of something. 

“So is there any reason you wanted to go to this exhibit instead of watching lavalantula 10 in theaters?” Tim says, tapping another case. 

You turn to look at him, shock etched into your features.“10? We've seen lavalantula 1 through 9 in theaters? Why did I agree to that?”

“Cus you love me?”

You narrow your eyes at him. “Probably not.”

Tim gives you a hurt look. 

You scowl at him. You have no idea why everyone thinks he’s the nice Wayne sibling. He is a manipulative little shit who plays you like a fiddle. And yet here you are falling for it. An absolute buffoon. 

You grumble an apology under your breath before continuing. “This is more cultural Timmers and lord knows we need more culture.” You wave sarcastically. 

“I think we've lived enough culture.”

“it cannot hurt to experience more Tim,” you snort. He rolls his eyes. You grab onto his arm and look up at him bright eyed. Two can play it at that game. “Please Tim....”

He scowls at you. “Fine-”

“Yes!”

“-but you owe me a movie marathon.”

“Fine. Fine,” you nod, “just don’t pick something dumb.”

“I just got the new star trek box collection.” He beams. 

“You could just shove me into a grave.” You sigh dramatically. 

Tim grins. “The Renaissance called-”

“Oh fuck you, Grackle.”

He snorts and you hate that you fall in love with him more every time he laughs. 

You cross your arms giving him a hard look. “Fine but we have to have an intermission of my choice.” You say, offering a hand. 

“Deal.” He says, shaking your outstretched hand. 

“Great, you've just agreed to watch the Great British Baking Show with me.” You say smug. 

Tim curses himself. 

"Are you still looking for that one painting?"

You tip your body back to look at him, your eyes wide and startled. It takes no time at all for them to shift to their usual angry shape. "Yes," you say quietly. It's Tim’s turn to be startled. Your hands curl into a fist. "It wasn't done and those bastards took it." 

Tim reaches out to put his hand on your shoulder. 

You cast your hands up to the sky dramatically.  "The barbarity of it all!"

Tim smiles, letting his hand fall to his side. You would be ok. 

You two walk on as Tim rants about StarGate  could have had a bigger fanbase if it hadn’t excluded so many people. You add StarGate to the list of things to not remember. 

You stop.

Your heart presses a bruise in your throat. 

Framed in  wood laden in ivy and marigolds is a painting that was painfully familiar.  Even unwashed, you can still see the bright reds of rose petals, the wild greens of the women’s skirts, the brilliant oranges of marigolds, and the blinding whites of cobble stones. The image was a practice in entropy made into perfection. The chaos of Valentine's day in a small town square reduced and captured in an infinitesimal moment.

Damian told you that people had started calling them Warsaw’s Faceless Sweethearts. You hated that.  A part of you wants to scream. You want to tell them that this wasn’t for them. This painting was made for one person and one person only.

You’ve been staring at it too long. Tim looks at you. You’ve known him too long to not know that he’s worried. That he’s feeling that stupid surge of protectiveness he always does when you go quiet. It’s in the cautious way he reaches out to you, slow and steady the way you approach a spooked animal. You want to lash out at him but he’s your Tim. Besides, too much of your mind is trapped in the painting, in the white gazebo, in between the couple who’s stuck in the moment before a kiss. 

Tim stands closer to you, his fingers lacing into yours with centuries worth or practice. He looks at the painting. “This painting looks familiar.” Tim says for the lack of anything better to say. It was yours. He knew that with only a few seconds of looking. 

“I… I don’t think so,” you say clumsily, “that’s definitely not the painting I’ve been looking for. Yup that one looks completely finished. Yup definitely.” You tug at Tim’s arm. 

He gives you a look, staying perfectly in place, before turning back to the painting. His gaze draws low. In a glass case sits scraps of paper lined with charcoal.  It takes an embarrassingly long time for Tim to realize that they’re sketches the artist did. Tim recognized the baker, the blacksmith, the seamstress, and even the constable. Most glaring of all he recognizes your marigolds.  His eyes drift to the sketches of the couple in  the gazebo. They were numerous, haphazard and unsatisfied. You were clearly frustrated with the groom’s face. Tim wonders who the poor guy could be. 

In the corner of the page in the center, he sees it.  “Wait… is that me?”

“NO!”

“Is that you?” He asks, pointing to the figure next to his. In the sketch, your lips are brushing against his. Tim’s lip tingles trying to replicate the sensation. 

You’re frozen stiff. You try to pull your hand away. You want to bury your face in them. Scratch that, you wanna be buried six feet under. Tim doesn’t let go of your hand. 

“That’s the umbrella you lost back in London.”

“I lost a lot in London, Timmy.” 

“Well...” Ok. Yeah, you did. Hence why he can’t get you to London even with the promise of letting you ‘improve’ Buckingham palace. But that isn’t the point. “(Y/n), this is gorgeous.” He says, turning to you. You look at him stunned and scared. He squeezes your hand.

You shake yourself out of his grip. Tim lets you. He knows when to back down. 

You step forward leaning on the rope separating you from your work. “I told you it wasn't finished.” You say, glaring at the painting as if willing the colors to move. 

“What happened?” He asks, bumping his shoulder against yours.

You bump your shoulder against his. “Warsaw.”

“I don’t follow.”

“That little town in Warsaw. It was kind of hard to finish the painting when soldiers were setting fires to houses. Ok, they didn’t do it directly but there was smoke.”

“Yeah kind of.” Tim agrees, smiling sadly. He looks back at the painting. “I want to keep it.”

“What?” You blink not quite following the shift in conversation. 

“Darling, I think we should have it. It’s ours after all.” Tim says holding your hand in his. Your mind is bouncing between too many things. He called you darling. He’s holding your hand. He’s smiling so sweetly at you. You’re addicted to that look in his eyes, pure unadulterated adoration. 

You cover your face with your free hand, feeling the smile on your face go uncomfortable wide. You feel something on your forehead, a kiss like a raindrop. It comes again and you feel like you’re going to collapse. 

“It’s yours..” He trails off hesitantly. “..if..” You look up at Tim, waiting with bated breath. Tim squeezes your hands. “...if you’ll be mine. ”

@batarella​, @anothertimdrakestan​, @lucy-roo​, @multifandomgirl-us​, @bungunz​, @birdy-bat-writes​,  @boosyboo9206​, @americasmarauders​ , @l-inkage​, @arestorationofbalance​ , @cloudie-skay​, @wunderstell​   @hyp-oh-critical​ @glorified-red​

[chucklegigglechortlesnort]

“Levi’s”

👉👈 i wrote this a while ago and... it’s been sitting in my drafts for a few weeks bc i’m not really sure about it but i mean it’s something right???

this concept popped into my brain after i bought a levi’s hoodie and connected the dots a little later

i hope it’s enjoyable

warnings: minor angst to fluff

Shoving open the door to your room, you flopped onto your bed with a dramatic huff.

You had spent the day in the human world, having accompanied Lucifer and Diavolo on business and the days events had left you completely drained.

Well, almost completely.

You still had enough left in you to spend some time with Levi, who you had promised earlier that day that you’d at least start a new anime that he’d been excited to watch.

You were exhausted and running on fumes but you couldn’t bring yourself to cancel on him last minute. He was just so excited about it and you didn’t want to ruin that by going back on your plans.

You pushed yourself up with a huff, rummaging through the bag of belongings you had managed to convince Diavolo and Lucifer (more so Lucifer - Diavolo was actually curious to see where you lived and therefore easy to convince) to let you snag from your apartment before you returned home to the Devildom.

You quickly shed your daytime wear for an over-sized hoodie and a pair of pajama shorts. Vastly more comfortable, you stepped in front of the mirror - more out of habit than anything else - to check your appearance. The hoodie you had chosen had a large “Levi’s” logo displayed on the front and you snickered to yourself. It was by pure coincidence that you had it, but you couldn’t help but snag it when you saw it hanging in your closet. It was too perfect to pass up and you figured you’d wear it as a joke, even if it wasn’t that funny.

You completed the look with a pair of fuzzy socks before leaving for his room.

When you reached his room, you knocked three times followed by two taps and a jiggle of the doorknob.

“What’s the pass-code?”

“No matter how deep the night -”

“- It always turns to day eventually.” 

There was a click and the doorway opened a crack. Levi peers out, looking around before yanking you into his room. You roll your eyes at his theatrics but allow a smile to creep onto your face as he shuts the door behind you.

“Ready to get this party started?” You asked.

Immediately his face lit up in excitement. It was cute how enthusiastic he was about every new anime or game he started and you couldn’t help but share it. He launched into rambling about how many rave reviews it had gotten, and how it was animated by one of his favorite studios and written by one of his favorite manga authors.

A giggle escaped you on accident and Levi glanced up to defend himself, but any retort quickly died in his throat as soon as his gaze landed on your hoodie. 

A flush rose to his cheeks as he stared at the Levi’s logo splayed across your chest. 

“Levi? Hello? You-”

“Y-your shirt- it- why does it have my name on it?”

You glance down, having momentarily forgotten about your little joke. You let out another giggle, much to Levi’s dismay. 

“Oh, yeah! It’s a popular brand up in the human world and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Funny right?”

Funny.

Levi guessed one would consider that an amusing coincidence, if they weren’t him. 

Or if they didn’t have a massive, ugly crush on you.

Or if the fact that you were basically wearing an item of clothing that declared you as his didn’t nearly send them into a cardiac arrest.

Then yeah he guessed that maybe ‘funny’ would be a way to describe this particular coincidence.

“Y-yeah. Sure.”

The oddly curt response caught you slightly off guard as he turned to stiffly stride over to the gigantic bean bag stationed in front of the obscenely large flat screen that sat opposite of it. You were slow to trail after him, hesitant after the rather cold exchange.

You plopped yourself down beside him on the beanbag moving in to cuddle up to his side, as usual (it had taken him a while to get used to this in the beginning, but luckily he had warmed up to the affection and was often reluctant to let go at the end of the night). However, he not-so-subtly scooted away from you, much to your disappointment.

Had your joke really been that bad?

You knew he may not have found it that funny but... still. You had at least expected a ‘dumb normie’ comment or something.

The terribly familiar concoction of anxiety and shame crept up on you as you settled into your seat, grabbing a pillow from nearby and hugging it to your chest to try and muffle the feeling. You crushed the cushion against you and wrapped your arms around your knees as Levi grabbed the remote and started the anime.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t bring yourself to pay attention, your brain was too occupied with picking apart and replaying the scenario. The soft flashing images only encouraged this hypnotizing lull of negative thoughts and none of your efforts to snap yourself out of it seemed to work. Somewhere in your mind you knew you should stop and that it was ridiculous to get so worked up about such a small issue - if you could even call it that - but the mindset to put that into action eluded you.

At some point your gaze had drifted over to Levi, who was seemingly fine, as well as completely engrossed in the show.

It must’ve been just you then. 

Levi must’ve felt your gaze burning into the side of his skull, because his own eyes flicked over to meet yours and his face went crimson.

“What are you staring at?”

The bite in his voice only managed to strike you deeper.

You felt a tightness in your throat and a stinging sensation beginning to rise behind your eyes.

Nonononono this wasn’t happening. Not over something this freaking stupid.

‘It’s not a big deal.’ You told yourself. ‘You’re reading way too much into it, just stop you idiot.’

However, much to your further disappointment in yourself, you couldn’t manage to hold back your tears.

You tightened your hold on the pillow and buried your face into it in order to muffle your sniffles. The patheticness of your situation did absolutely nothing to improve your mood and all you wanted to do was leave and go to bed so you could cry yourself to sleep like a loser and forget about it in the morning. And probably never where this hoodie again.

This stupid hoodie.

You could feel your sinuses plugging up with mucus and the urge to sniffle came once again, except this time you forgot to hide it with your pillow.

Levi’s gaze fell on you once again at the sound. How were you crying already? You were only on episode three and nothing major happened- it was a slice of life for hell’s sake. It took him a second to register that your eyes weren’t even on the screen and that they were glued to somewhere on the floor and as soon as he saw the welled up tears in your eyes, he panicked.

“_-_____? W-what the hell are you crying for?!”

That’s it. You were absolutely mortified.

“I-it’s nothing, I’m fine, Leviathan. I’m probably overtired. I think I’m just gonna call it a night, okay?” Your voice came out rushed and cracked as you uttered ‘fine’ but you didn’t waste any time dwelling on it as you slid off the bean bag.

Oh. Oh no. You used his full name. You only ever used his full name when you were upset. With him. Oh god oh fuck what had he done.

You were already halfway across the room when he had finally worked up the nerve to chase after you. 

“Wait! _____, I-”

“-Was my joke really that bad?”

Levi froze as you turned around to face him, eyes glossed over with tears and directed anywhere but back at him.

“Huh? No!”

“Well then are you mad at me because we had to postpone tonight a bit because I went to the human world? I thought you were fine with that.”

“No that’s not-”

“Then, why?” Your eyes finally met his, but Levi wasn’t sure if he was relieved or if he just felt worse.

The avatar of envy’s mouth snapped shut and he thought over his next words carefully.

“Why... what?”

Nice. Good one Levi.

Your shoulders dropped and you stepped away.

“...Never mind. Goodnight, Leviathan.”

Levi flinched at the use of his full name, watching as you turned toward the door and crossed the rest of the room.

You placed your hand on the door knob, gently turning it with fatigue that showed in your every move. 

The way your shoulders sagged and the hecitance in your step caused a heavy dread to settle in Levi’s gut and in less than a second he had crossed the remainder of the room, wrapping his arms around you from behind and tugging you into his chest. His face settled in the junction of your neck and shoulder and you had to keep yourself from shuddering when his breath hit your skin.

“Levi-”

“I’m sorry.”

It was barely a whisper but you had heard it perfectly clear.

“I’m sorry for being mean, and for not laughing at your joke, because it was really c-cute and you’re really cute and- um I guess I just didn’t know how to react but that’s because I’m just a stupid shut in and I don’t want you to think that I’m an icky creep or something even though I’m probably not doing that great a job of convincing you other wise and I’m sorry about that too- “

“-Levi.”

“Y-yeah?”

“You’re not just a stupid, creepy shut-in, okay? And I definitely don’t think you are.”

His grip loosens around your shoulders and you wiggle around in his grasp to face him. Your eyes are glazed over and tired, but despite that he can see sparks of something akin to adoration shining in them.

“You don’t?”

“Mm mm.” You hum, shaking your head.

It’s at this point that Levi realizes that your faces are inches apart, and the entirety of your body is pressed flush against his. His face is immediately overtaken with red and he slowly eases away from you. His large hand wraps around your smaller one and he grazes his thumb back and forth over your palm.

“D-do you... want to stay the night?”

You nod softly, a smile gracing your features once again, much to Levi’s relief.

“Yeah, sure.”

He’s quick to tug you back over to the plush bean back in front of the TV, figuring it’s a bit more spacious than his bathtub. He plops down and pulls you into his lap before he can chicken out, wrapping his arms around your waist so you’re pressed against his chest once again.

There are a few beats of silence before Levi’s voice rings softly in your ears, mumbling groggily as he drifts off to sleep.

“...You should wear that hoodie again.”

“...Hm... mabe I will.”

. . .

“Oh, and Levi?”

“Hm.”

“Apology accepted.”

The next thing Levi feels is a pair of lips ghost across his neck, but not a second later you’re out like a light.

You were certainly, with out a doubt, going to be the death of him.

[thelordofdarkreunion]

Magnificent Scoundrels- Pariah

This was an absolute blast to write.  I find that the interactions between the different cultures and battles scenes are probably the most fun to write, in my opinion.  Here, we have more Vir and Cain.  We are introduced to Conn, so shenanigans will most definitely ensue.  I’m not quite sure if they’re the type of shenanigans you’re thinking of though...

As always, none of these characters belong to me.  Enjoy the story!

Aboard the Omen

Things had gotten better.  Tensions were much lower, thanks to Simone’s suggestion that Cain watch the Omen’s ground forces and Vir take up the Commissarial duties of the Valhallans.  Both groups seemed to be more comfortable with each other.  There were still competitions, of course, and they were still exceptionally competitive, of course, but they had lost their malevolent edge.  Much was still to be learnt, however.  Each side still retained quirks and habits that, to the other, seemed exceptionally odd.

The common Imperials were still xenophobic.  A lifetime of teachings and practice couldn’t be changed in a matter of days or weeks.  While both Vir and Cain preaching tolerance certainly helped, it did not eliminate the problem all together.  It had gone from ‘I’m going to possibly shoot you on sight’ to ‘stay out of our way and we’ll stay out of yours.’  A definite improvement, all things considered.  

There were still other oddities, as mentioned before.  Not counting the posting of armed guards, any crew member of the Omen could instantly tell where the Valhallan quarters aboard the ship were.  As benefitted ice worlders, their comfortable ambient temperature was slightly higher than freezing, and they set the air conditioning in their section of the ship to match.  Vir found himself wearing heavy winter gear when he stayed with them for extended periods.  He was also fairly certain there were a couple of them camped out in the cooling ducts, but there were no reports of damage or any mechanical problems, so he decided to let that slide.  

However, Admiral Vir and his crew were a lot better off than the Imperials, seeing as they were used to strange and occasionally egomaniacal aliens aboard their ship.  They had open minds.  

To the Imperials, everything was just so… bizzare.  It was like being in a completely other dimension.  Here, aliens and humans got along.  Talked together, fought together, laughed together.  The Admiral was not a distant figure of authority, but instead more like a wise and older friend, ready to help you along any path you chose.  Hell, the ship’s officers talked with the crew.  You could actually see them walking through the halls.  On Imperial vessels that transported soldiers, the Naval crew stayed in their area, and the infantry in theirs, with only the high ranking officers speaking to each other.  

Then there was the ship itself.  Like any proud naval personnel, the crew of the Omen liked to brag about their vessel.  Apparently, it was brand new.  Brand.  New.  Only in service for a year or more.  What kind of ship was that?  Usually, the troop ships of the Imperium were in service for centuries, if not millennia, and the Naval fighting platforms even longer.  The oldest vessel Cain had ever been aboard was the massive battleship Throne Eternal, built during the days of the Great Crusade, some ten thousand years before.  

Perhaps it was the fact that the ship was brand new, but it was so incredibly clean.  The hallways were neat and sterilized.  There was no accumulated grime.  No comforting iconography.  From the outside, the ship looked like a brick.  It was all steely grey metal.  It was so strange.  So foreign.  So distinctly… un-Imperial.

But, in the end, despite the oddities, it could be said that things were a lot more calm aboard.  And so, it was with no small amount of alarm that Admiral Adam Vir remembered that Conn was aboard the ship.

Conn was an alien, which would have already put him on the Imperial’s bad side.  But that, in and of itself, was not the problem.  You see, Conn was a starborn, quite possibly the most unusual alien species in the galaxy.  Ghostlike, they were small, white, and lived in the cold void of space.  Accustomed to the blackness, they could not survive in any areas with gravity’s pressure without external help.  But, much like an annoying infomercial, there was more.  Starborns were natural telepaths.  They could read the minds of almost any living being.  Conn in particular was quite annoying about it.  He reveled in the sensation of knowing everyone’s deepest secrets, and made no qualms about being nice about it.  Most of the crew, Adam in particular, found him, to put it mildly, extremely annoying.  He was kept around because he wasn’t truly malicious, despite indications otherwise, and his usefulness outweighed his flaws.  

Vir had a sort of… connection with Conn.  Due to an unfortunate accident that resulted in the loss of his eye, part of his brain had been skewered, making it easier for him  to communicate telepathically.  The strangest part of all of this was the fact Vir hadn’t heard from Conn the entire voyage.  That was definitely not a good thing.  Who knew what sort of mischief that could be wrought.  He was fairly certain that Conn was not missing because he was wise enough to stay hidden from the Imperials.  No.  Something else was afoot.  

So, with trepidation, he began his search.  

Conn was not in any of his usual haunts.  He wasn’t floating around annoying people, wasn’t where he usually lurked in the medical bay.  No one had seen him.  Not the engineers, the doctors, the marines, or any of the bridge crew.  How very odd.  It seemed as if no one had heard from him from the moment they had set off.  So Vir had to do it the old fashioned way: wander around the ship, thinking as loud as he could to attract Conn’s attention.

It was only when he started to go in the passageways closest to the exterior of the hull that he started to get a response.  

Conn?  Conn?  Can you hear me?  Where are you?

I can’t hear…  Emptiness.  Void.  Nothing.  Nothing.  He’s nothing.  Nothing!

Conn?  Where are you?

The darkness.  Alone.  Pain.  Can't hear voices.  Can’t hear thoughts.  

Conn!  Where are you?  What’s wrong?  I can’t help if you don’t tell me.  

Slowly, through the telepathic link, he started to see where Conn was.  Outside the vessel.  Starborn were more comfortable and could survive in space.  Conn was known to go in and out of the airlock of his own free will… but that didn’t explain why he had been there for so long.  It also didn’t explain the strange mutterings and thoughts.  

Adam?  You’re here.  You can hear me.  Good.  Not alone anymore.  Something was very wrong.  Conn was a jackass, through and through.  Vir had never heard thankfulness and relief from him before.  

Yes.  I’m here.  He tried to make the thought as reassuring as possible.  Conn, what’s wrong?  What is the problem?  

It’s him.  The closest thing to a mental hiss came with that word.  He’s nothing!  Pain.  Misery.  Alone with my thoughts!

Conn-

The void!  Blackness.  I can’t hear anything!  I can’t hear!  

Conn.  Calm down.  

Yes!  Yes.  The second yes was much more calm.  

You can’t hear others’ thoughts?  Is that it?

Yes.  A vigorous telepathic nod.  

Why?  I’ve never heard of anything like that happening before.

It’s because of him!  The thoughts were becoming hysterical again.  He snuffs it out.  He’s a void, a-

Conn!  Stay focused.  Who is he?

He- ARGHH!  The mental connection was abruptly cut as a searing pain shot through Vir’s body.  He collapsed to his hands and knees.  He felt as if he did a long time ago, wounded and feverish during the Drev War with no painkillers.  His mind was white hot, his body wracked with agony.  The edges of his vision started to turn black.  No!  Don’t pass out! rebelled some far away part of his mind.  

“Admiral!” said a voice, seemingly far away.  He focused on the voice.  Deep breaths.  Come on.  Stay conscious.  The blackness receded.  The voice got stronger.  

“Admiral, sir!  Are you all right?” asked someone hesitantly.  Vir shifted his weight to his side and clutched his head.  What the hell happened?  

“Yeah, I think I’ll be alright,” he murmured.  He shook his head to clear it of any last vestiges of pain.  “What was… doesn’t matter.”  He turned, and found himself face to face with a most unexpected individual.  Jurgen, the Commissar’s aide.  

“Good to know that you’re alright, sir.”  A grimy hand reached out and handed Vir a data pad.  “The Commissar wanted me to give you this.”  

“Ah, yes.  Personnel rosters.  Thank you, Jurgen.  I won’t take up any more of your time.”  Jurgen saluted and walked away, leaving Vir staring, perplexed, at the pad in his hands.  

Vir lay on his bed, gazing at the ceiling.  He couldn’t sleep.  The mystery of Conn’s telepathic severance was dancing through his mind.  What was he talking about?  Some sort of void…  Some strange monster, lurking in space, perhaps?  No.  Think logically.  Go through this step by step.  What do you know?  First, Conn was isolated.  There was something severing his telepathic communication.  Second, that something was a someone.  It was a he.  Third, this hadn’t happened before the Imperials had arrived on board.  Therefore, logically, this person was one of the Imperials, causing the cutting of telepathic communications and pain to anyone using them.  Okay.  Good.  We’ve established that.  Now what?  Who was doing it?  Were they even aware they were doing it?  How was it even possible to do something like that?  Some strange technology?  Possible.  That made sense.  Perhaps they had fought some telepathic aliens in their galaxy, and developed something to stop it.  

But, still.  He squirmed slightly.  How… who… what… why?  None of this made sense.  How to get to the bottom of this mystery?  He couldn’t figure it out, so perhaps someone else could.  Cain?  Cain would probably know.  But did he trust Cain?  That was an entirely different matter.  It could be on Cain’s orders.  Hell, it could be Cain himself.  Cain’s aide?  Out of everyone aboard, Vir had a nagging feeling that something was wrong with that man.  Plus, the pain had only started when Jurgen had come close to him… 

So… Jurgen, then.  Most likely suspect.  But how?  How could he find out?  Hmm…

A search of the Imperial quarters and armory yielded no results.  He wasn’t sure what he expected to find, but there was nothing out of the ordinary.  While their equipment was strange, everything he found had been earlier explained to him.  Nothing.  So either it was a device small enough to hide on a person, or it wasn’t a device at all.  Conn had said he.  Perhaps it had nothing to do with technology.  

Vir decided, therefore, to have Katie and Kril, the ship’s doctors, to test every single one of the Imperials for anything strange.  HIdden behind the facade of making sure they were disease free, they all had a physical examination done, and blood and tissue samples drawn.  It was… less than helpful.

Kril did the equivalent of a human sigh as he put down the blood readouts.  Katie was still studying them with perplexity.  

“So, did you find anything out of the ordinary?” asked Vir.  

“That’s the problem.  Everything is out of the ordinary,” replied Kril.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that- well, let me explain.  So, you know how evolution works, right?  Over time, all organic species naturally evolve.” “Yes.  And?” asked Vir.  He didn’t see where this was going.

“So, Drake gave you timelines for all of our galaxies, didn’t he?  He says, and from what I can tell, he’s right, that our timelines split somewhere around the year 2000.  Now, every single one of our galaxies is in a different time since then.  Most of the other galaxies are around the early second century C.E., in human measurements.  Ours and Drake’s are in the early fourth centuries C.E.  Cain and the Imperials are from 40,000 C.E.  Plus, none of them are from Earth, whereas most everyone else we’ve met is from Earth or from a planet close enough to Earth for the evolution tendencies not to be affected in any major way.  So, to sum up, most of them are from an ice planet 38,000 years in the future.  We have no idea what we’re seeing here.  All of these genes are very different from the human’s I’ve studied before.  I can’t tell what’s abnormal or not.  I could figure it all out, but it might take a month or more.”  Wonderful.  Vir sighed.  

“Thanks for trying Kril.  I guess I’ll have to figure this out some other way.”

Now he was back in his bed, mulling things over.  This had to stop.  He couldn’t allow Conn, annoying as he was, to suffer like this.  Conn was, after all, part of his crew.  There was no other solution.  He had to see Cain.  But, what if Cain was doing this, or it was being done on his orders?  Vir looked over to the suit of Iron Eye armor resting gently in its place.  He walked over, and started to buckle on the plates.  This had a liability to get messy.  

Cain looked up at the sharp knock on the door.  Jurgen hadn’t stopped whomever it was, so it must be Vir.  

“Come in,” he replied politely.  Sure enough, Vir walked through the door into his borrowed quarters.  “Admiral Vir.  A pleasure to see you.  What brings you here today?”  Vir shifted, slightly uncomfortable.  This was going to be awkward, at the very least.  “Would you like a drink?”

“No, thank you, though.”  He gave a slight cough.  “I wondered if I might talk to you, however.”

“Of course,” replied Cain.  “What about?”  Vir scratched the back of his neck.

“Uh, well, there’s no easy way to put this.”  He took a deep breath to compose himself.  “You see, there are some crew members that you haven’t seen before.”

“I rather had the feeling.  More… aliens, no doubt.”

“Heh.  Yes.  However, there is one in particular.  He is of a, uh, most peculiar species… well, he can read minds,” finished Vir lamely.  Cain looked up sharply from where he was sitting, fingers moving instinctively for his weapons.  

“What?”  

“Yes.  You heard me right.  However, that is not the problem,” concluded Vir.

“And what would the problem be?” asked Cain warily, his hand inching closer to his sidearm.  

“The problem is, he can’t.  There is something or someone aboard this ship that blocks his mental communications and causes him untold agony.  Now, while I personally find it annoying and distasteful to have my mind read, especially by him, he is in quite a lot of pain.  This only started when you boarded.  I’m not sure what is causing this, and I am not insinuating anything, but it has something to do with someone in your regiment, and I would like it to stop.”  Cain stared at him with a calm and considered look.  

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Admiral Vir.  I know nothing about aliens, so it could be something wrong with him,” he replied.

“I don’t think so,” said Vir.  “You sure you don’t know anything about this?”

“No,” replied Cain.  Vir sat up from his chair.  One more card to play.  

“Absolutely sure?  Not even anything that has to do with, say, your aide?”  Cain looked up at him, this time with a completely neutral expression on his face.  

“I’m afraid I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, Admiral.  Good day.”  Damn.  Fine.  Got to go out on a limb here.  Vir leaned over the table, his earlier expression of calm gone, replaced with the attitude he assumed around unruly subordinates.

“Don’t bullshit me, Cain.  You know what’s going on.  And I will find out eventually, with or without your help.  So if you want me to trust you, you’re going to tell me now.”  Cain sighed, stood up, walked past Vir, and locked the door.  Vir tensed, hidden Iron Eye servos whining, ready for any sudden movements.  There were none.  Cain stood face to face with Vir.  He’s tall, idly mused some unnecessary part of Vir’s brain.  Cain drew his pistol and held calmly out at his side.

“You are not going to tell anyone what is said here.  If you do, if any sort of word of this gets out in any way, I will kill you,” he said in a deadly serious tone.  He looked around, then sighed.  “My aide, Jurgen, is a blank.”  Vir gave him a look that plainly said ‘elaborate.’  Cain suddenly got a strange look in his eyes, then raised his gun a fraction.  “If his powers work on your xeno telepath… then that means it has some sort of connection to the Warp.”  The pistol came up, pointing directly between Vir’s eyes.  “So now, you are going to tell me everything.”  Vir struggled to remain calm.  Cain wasn’t going to kill him, yet.  He was fairly sure this was just another misunderstanding.  

“I don’t know anything about any Warp.  Conn is a straborn.  They are born in space, and they can read minds naturally.  That’s it.”  Cain still looked as if he were going to put down the gun, then looked up sharply again.

“Innocentia nihil probat,” he murmured.  “Jurgen!  Get in here!”  The door opened, and Jurgen stepped through.  Apparently he had the key.

“Yes, Commissar?”  Cain turned to Vir.  

“We are going to search your ship.  If you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear.”  Vir opened his mouth to make an objection, which Cain forestalled with a raised hand.  “I learned a long time ago that it is better to explain too much caution than bleed for not enough.”  He put a small communications node in his ear, then keyed it.  “Colonel Kasteen, ready the regiment.  Search the entire ship for any signs of Chaotic taint.  This is a precaution, but you know what to do.”  Cain turned once more to a bewildered Vir.  “Tell your men to stand down.  If they resist, they die.”  He stepped back, then gestured towards the door.  “After you.  And, remember, our conversation was still confidential.  If you tell anyone, you die.”  

A cliffhanger.  I know.  Originally, I didn’t intend for it to end like this, but this is the way the story went and this is how this scenario would play out of the conversation actually took place.  Above all, I strive to remain as accurate as possible to how these characters would actually interact, so that is why this went the way it did.  I will have the ending to this up as soon as possible, so don’t worry!  Wherever you are, have a great day.

[generallynerdy]

Step By Step (Bucky Barnes X Roommate!Reader)

Summary: Step by step, Bucky Barnes was learning to put himself back together. Luckily, he’s not alone. He has Sam Wilson, a bastard cat, and you, of course.

Requested by nklnnd (AO3): Since requests are open again would it be too much to ask for an after endgame bucky/reader. Like bucky is trying to piece his life back together without Steve in a new world and his roommate/friend helps him. I don't know I just love the cute fluffy domestic moments. Ps: I adore your writing. Feel free to do whatever you want with the prompt, if you like it that is, I have complete faith in your abilities! :)

Key: (Y/N) - your name Warnings: the Snap, mentions of death, depression, depressive episodes, mentions of isolation, touches of trauma, recovery process but written badly Word Count: 1,469 (nice)

Note: i hope it’s domestic enough?? I played loose and fast with the ‘step by step’ theme i just really wanted to get this done LMAO

    Step One: Survive.

    Returning to Manhattan after defeating Thanos was more painful than it should’ve been. Days before, he was dead, so you think he would’ve been overjoyed. But in reality, he wished he was dead again.

    Loss weighed upon his shoulders heavier than it ever had. Steve Rogers, Captain America, was gone. His Steve, his best friend Steve.

    Bucky Barnes was alone.

    The Avengers knew this. They thought they could help him. So, they set him up in an apartment in Brooklyn with a roommate: you. They hoped you could take care of him, help him piece his life back together.

    But you weren’t sure what was left to put together. To be honest, it would probably be better for him to start anew. But he wasn’t ready for that either.

    “James?”

    You entered his room one quiet Saturday morning. You hadn’t seen him for a full 24 hours, which was worrying. Your concerns were confirmed when you discovered a pitch black room and the shuffling form of the Winter Soldier still in his bed.

    You sighed and spoke quietly, sure that his head was pounding. “Bad day?”

    He didn’t reply, but he didn’t have to.

    You’d only lived together for about two weeks, but he’d already had quite a few of these days. He would shut himself away from the world, from you especially, and wouldn’t come out for at least the rest of the day. Yesterday was a bad one, too. You hoped this wouldn’t become a regular occurance.

    You moved to sit on the edge of his bed. “Can I get you anything?”

    There was a pause before he shook his head just slightly. You bit your lip as you looked at him. You could leave him be, let him simmer until he felt better...or maybe there was a better way to do this.

    “Do you want company?” you asked hesitantly.

    Step Two: Don’t isolate.

    The pause was longer this time, but he finally nodded.

    You scooted up the bed so that you could rest your back against the wall and sit right next to him. Carefully, you pulled your knees up to your chest and pulled your phone out of your pocket, making sure that you weren’t touching him. He hummed gratefully before the two of you sank into silence.

    Step Three: Let others in.

    On a good day, you and Bucky would have breakfast together before you went to work. Mostly you talked about when you’d be home and how he was doing, then you’d leave.

    You weren’t entirely sure what he did all day without you there, but after a muttered movie reference, you realised he was watching Netflix religiously. Once you found out about that, you realised that you probably should get him something else so he wasn’t as painfully bored.

    “I’m home!” You called one day, entering the apartment.

    You found him on the couch with a show playing on the TV, which he paused as soon as you entered. “How’d your day go?” he asked quietly.

    “Meh, same old, same old,” you replied cheerily, flopping onto the couch beside him. “I got you something.”

    He furrowed his eyebrows and sat up, his gaze questioning. Before he had to ask, you held out a small, shiny card that had his name on the back of it and some unrecognisable logo on the front. He flipped it around to look at it, but still looked confused.

    “There’s this, um, library down the street,” you told him. “I figured TV is gonna get old sometime, so I got you a card for it.”

    His eyes widened and he nodded. “Thanks,” he finally said, almost wistfully.

    “Yeah, of course. Just let me know when you wanna go and I can show you the way there,” you said with a smile. “It’s a really nice, quiet place. I think you’ll like it, James.”

    “Bucky,” he corrected. “Only one that called me James was my mom.”

    You blinked dumbly a few times before nodding. “Bucky.”

    Step Four: Get into a routine.

    Bucky took to the library like a fish to water. He said he wasn’t much of a book guy, but he was clearly a liar because every time he went, he checked out more books than before. On weekends, the two of you would make it a group outing, but while you were at work if he found himself lacking reading material, he would make a quick trip. The lady at the front desk already knew both of your names after a few weeks and was one of the few people Bucky actually felt like talking to regularly.

    It was a massive relief, seeing as he hardly ever left the apartment otherwise.

    His bad days happened less and less often, but when they did happen he was content to curl up next to you in his bed as you read your own book silently. The first time he put his head in your lap, you nearly jumped out of your skin. The next few times, however, you got into the habit of running your fingers through his hair.

    Step Five: Find comfort in the little things.

    And then came Alpine.

    You woke up one blissful Saturday morning to find Bucky already awake and on the couch. You were about to say something about how much of an improvement that was, but then you spotted a puddle of white on his lap.

    It was a cat.

    “Uh…” You didn’t even know what to say.

    “He climbed in through my window and he won’t leave,” Bucky said instantly, his own eyes wide. “(Y/N), what do I do?”

    You were shocked silent. “I...don’t know.”

    “I’ve never had a cat, is this how you get a cat?” he whispered frantically.

    Apparently, it was. Bucky dubbed him Alpine and he became a permanent resident of the apartment. 

    He was a little bastard, but the both of you adored him. He usually slept in Bucky’s room, but he was always up and about when you woke up, purring as he invaded your personal space while you attempted to cook breakfast.

    A day wasn’t complete without someone shouting; “Alpine, NO--”

    Step Six: Reach out.

    Slowly but surely, Bucky was putting himself back together. Or maybe he was becoming someone else-- you didn’t know. But you liked Bucky as you knew him, as he was now.

    Through libraries and breakfasts, cats and Netflix, the two of you became inseparable. Bucky Barnes was quite possibly the best friend you’d ever had. You would never admit that to anyone who asked, though, as Bucky nearly died under even the slightest compliment. He was still figuring out positive reinforcement.

    He still struggled with Instagram and the news often gave him a headache, but his reintegration was going smoothly. In fact, he’d made a few more friends other than you and Alpine.

    “And then he fell on his face like an idiot--”

    The laughter from the living room made you smile as you reentered the room, carrying three specially made sandwiches.

    “Sorry we don’t have a decent dinner,” you muttered as you passed them to the boys.

    Sam Wilson, ever a sweetheart, just shook his head. “Hey, sandwiches are great. I wasn’t planning on any dinner, so…”

    “Sandwiches are perfect,” Bucky repeated.

    You sat down on the couch in between them, gently shoving Alpine aside when he tried to get a bite of your dinner. Sam snorted at the sight while Bucky rolled his eyes fondly.

    “Dibs on picking the show,” you said as you turned on the TV.

    “Rude,” Sam said, mocking offense. “Age before beauty, (Y/N)!”

    Bucky lifted his legs to rest on top of your lap. “In that case, I get to pick.”

    “Old man,” you teased, elbowing his side. “If you’re both gonna be so whiny about it, then we should make this a regular thing. New person picks every week.”

    “Deal,” Sam agreed instantly.

    Bucky grinned. “Only if it doesn’t mess with your work schedule.”

    You waved him off. “A little late night won’t kill me.”

    “Okie dokie,” he said, finally agreeing. You turned bright red when he leaned over to kiss your cheek. “You’re the best.”

    You desperately tried to ignore the way Sam waggled his eyebrows. Luckily, Bucky didn’t seem to see it. He snatched the remote from your hands, citing his age once more as Sam choked on his food when you smacked his chest.

    As Bucky put on some comedy, you snuggled deeper into the couch, smiling to yourself.

    One step at a time had worked wonders. He was taking bigger steps every day and, to be honest, so were you. Recovery was a slow process, but it was worth every moment just to see him smile.

    Step Seven: Realise you’re not alone.

Nova Tags: @hahaboop

Masterlist

[brainrotmeta]

You are so so annoying. I don’t care if you ship wincest or if you think it’s validated by the text or if you think it’s a fun way to view the show! good for you! I don’t expect you to stop shipping wincest but you coming onto active deancas fans posts that you WERE NOT TAGGED IN is so weird and honestly a violation of boundaries! You aren’t even sending asks so it’s just you and their audience you’re showing these people who didn’t even mention you and putting them in front of your audience of wincest fans?????

Actually while I’m being a hashtag hater let me just say the way you Own The Hellers by being like Cas and Dean are not gay. Cas isn’t even gay. If anyone is gay it’s Dean and Sam. Ummmm but Dean is straight it’s just allegorical wincest to showcase a messed up relationship in a horror show. But I will still use this as combative evidence to trash anyone who likes Dean and Cas’ relationship ☺️

Like. I don’t care if you ship wincest. But you are interacting with people who didn’t even ask with your frankly dumbfuck meta. If you think Sam and Dean are in an emotionally incestuous relationship, that’s fine. I even agree with you! Very much, actually, and I agree that is good for horror aspects because it’s uncomfortable and requires a restructuring of the relationship as the show goes on that I find very interesting and compelling!

What I don’t get is why you use this in your responses to Destiel fans when you’re owning them with your Reading Comprehension 101. Because it’s one thing for you to like, be vagueing or whatever. Or doing this fucking debunking on your own with other wincesties who agree with your analysis, like clowning on the hellers. You are trying to start a dialogue with people not working from your same incest shipping framework and it makes me like. Lmao. you look dumb!

I was actually in a semi emotionally incestuous relationship with my sibling who I had to somewhat parent. Go to family counseling with them and everything about it. (we are normal now and I care about them very much). It’s not incest like sexual attraction or even being committed to each other platonically in a way that sublimates attraction or desire! Sam and Dean in early seasons are for sure for sure emotionally incestuous in many aspects (not all I don’t think though) In later seasons they slip back into it when shit is hitting the fan and the regression is great for horror, because it’s uncomfortable, like you said. You aren’t wrong about that in any way.

But it’s so fucking STUPID to think this works counter to Destiel. To be clear I am a big fan of Deancas. I think it’s validated by the text. I don’t care to go into it right now with you, because I’m just astounded that graduate from supernatural studies and the decider of what is Correct and Textual over here has such shitty shallow takes and delivery about the textual incest, which you’d think a wincest shipper would be good at! But no you’re awful. it’s not even interesting. Watching the brothers get better a little and then just nosedive back into insane emotional incest when things go wrong and it never getting better until the relationship is just super bad is… I can see why that would be compelling for some. it’s horror. it’s a valid way to recontextualize the show and I am not even mad about it! But it’s not what happens in canon

Their emotional incest as the show goes on gets better, not worse. Deancas in this context compels me a lot, and it’s part of the reason I like it so much but I won’t go into that unless you’re curious or want to yell at me about how stupid it is and ask. But it compels me because I want Dean and Sam to get better in the incest aspect, and I want their relationship to improve. Dean is abusive largely in other ways by the end of the show and I enjoy it because it’s fucked up and interesting. I’ll even throw you the bone that the finale takes a super sharp twist back into emotional incest and it’s insane and compels me! It has a very unreality feel to it and I enjoy it.

I went on so long here but TLDR I think you sound really REALLY stupid talking about Dean and Sams emotional incest as some kind of own to the hellers. they can coexist and in my opinion make each other even more interesting to engage with (textually!! even just friendship. it’d still fascinate me if they were platonic). If you want to be mr Shapiro of supernatural tumblr I’m begging you to at least make even an ounce of sense because your ‘meta’ isn’t interesting in the least. it’s fucking boring and frankly insulting! As someone who has dealt with emotional incest (this isn’t important like I’m also uncomfortable with your literal incest shipping but it isn’t about me and I don’t expect you to like. Stop posting about it just because I say I’m uncomfortable)

You are so so annoying.

fair

you coming onto active deancas fans posts that you WERE NOT TAGGED IN is so weird and honestly a violation of boundaries!

If you post something in public, especially something tagged meta, you're inviting people to respond to it. It's not a violation of boundaries, it's just shitty web design. People can and have blocked me. Which is good. Less destiel nonsense to run into when I'm trying to enjoy spiderman gifs or something.

You aren’t even sending asks so it’s just you and their audience you’re showing these people who didn’t even mention you and putting them in front of your audience of wincest fans?????

I actually think most of my followers are DeanCas shippers rubbernecking.

Anyway I'm cutting this for length

Cas isn’t even gay. I've actually stated that I think that while Castiel's confession was plausibly deniable, I think a romantic reading was the one with the most merit. Can you at least drag me for stuff I said? Unless you're going mad as hell that I pointed out angelic gender doesn't map onto human gender?

If anyone is gay it’s Dean and Sam. I haven't stated my opinion on Sam's sexuality.

But I will still use this as combative evidence to trash anyone who likes Dean and Cas’ relationship. I don't care if you like Dean and Cas' relationship. I'm annoyed by massive misreading, in particular trying to fit Cas into Sam's narrative role.

But you are interacting with people who didn’t even ask with your frankly dumbfuck meta. No one has the right to universal praise when they post meta.

What I don’t get is why you use this in your responses to Destiel fans when you’re owning them with your Reading Comprehension 101. I don't, as a general rule. I often have to bring in Sam because of Destiel meta's annoying habit of trying to replace Sam and Cas' roles.

Because it’s one thing for you to like, be vagueing or whatever. Or doing this fucking debunking on your own with other wincesties who agree with your analysis, like clowning on the hellers. I'm disagreeing with people's meta posts.

You are trying to start a dialogue with people not working from your same incest shipping framework and it makes me like. Lmao. you look dumb! I usually don't even bring up the wincest lens. It's only important to episodes like Sex and Violence. But most of my asks are people angry I'm acknowledging the intended subtext written/directed/acted in the show.

Their emotional incest as the show goes on gets better, not worse. ...no it doesn't. Season ten ends with Dean mock executing Sam and Sam releasing the darkness to save Dean. What happens it that Sam becomes more passive and less likely to resist Dean's controlling nature. Jack becomes the big sticking point because Sam might not be willing or able fight for himself (as much) anymore, but he tries to fight for Jack.

I mean, yeah, there are highs and lows in season 12-15, and it never gets as bad as season 9. But I think Sam and Dean in season 1-2 are waaaaay healthier than Sam and Dean in season 14, where Dean pressures Sam to tick Jack into a box to live out eternity.

Deancas in this context compels me a lot, and it’s part of the reason I like it so much but I won’t go into that unless you’re curious or want to yell at me about how stupid it is and ask. Go ahead.

I think you sound really REALLY stupid talking about Dean and Sams emotional incest as some kind of own to the hellers. No. It's funny to point out all the Incest Content in the canon to people who pearl clutch and threaten to kill people who enjoy said content.

I’m begging you to at least make even an ounce of sense because your ‘meta’ isn’t interesting in the least. it’s fucking boring and frankly insulting I'm not convinced you actually read it seeing as you are pointing to things I never said.

I’m also uncomfortable with your literal incest shipping I'm uncomfortable with Destiel Hot Takes. I made a side blog to complain and you write to me anonymously. I feel like we're both living our best lives here.

[myautisticpov]

Thinking Critically About Social Media - Not Getting Rid of It

Okay, so, every so often, there’s an article that goes around about social media detoxes and how everyone should just log off.

And inevitably, there’s always the counterargument that for some people, social media is the only reliable way to stay in touch with people and make friends, and certain marginalised communities are more easily accessed online than in person, depending on where you live.

Which, you know, is kind of true for me. And also I work online, so I can’t cut social media out entirely.

But it has had a noticeable drain on my mental health.

So, here are my strategies for not letting social media drain me:

a) Ad-block

This is less of a drain thing, but just sensible internet usage. Get an ad-blocker, and use it.

b) Separate Entertainment from News

Seriously, one of the biggest mental drains for me was logging onto Twitter to see what was going on, only to be bombarded by a million climate despair tweets.

“But Lucy, I need to know what’s going on.”

Then find news sources you trust that aren’t on social media. I listen to a wide variety of podcasts, but there are plenty of written news sites. It’ll also make it easier to decide if you trust the sources if the information isn’t being relayed through a game of social media telephone.

Like, 9 times out of 10 now, if I see people posting about “I can’t believe no one’s talking about X”, I’ve already heard about X several times over.

The most important part of this is that I’m choosing when to engage with the news. If I’m not in a mental space to deal with it, then I know it’s not going to pop up in my feed unexpectedly, and that leaves me with more mental energy to channel into local organising or other positive steps.

Being informed means nothing if all it does is make you sad and stop you living.

c) Block/mute Words/Phrases

Do it, even if you feel guilty. There are some things that I find difficult that I then feel bad for muting because they’re honest expressions of pain from other people. But usually it would just leave me overwhelmed and not actually capable of helping.

d) Find closed spaces with good moderators

I think marginalised people often end up interacting with spaces where there’s more mentally draining content because they think it’s the only safe space for them.

Like, many marginalised communities online often end up talking mostly about the effects of their marginalisation. Which is good in a lot of ways, but again, it can be mentally draining. Especially if these spaces are all you expose yourself to because you’re afraid that if you join a community for a hobby, you won’t be accepted.

And maybe that has been your experience before.

But closed Facebook groups, Discord servers, Slack channels, or forums can still be safe environments. Find ones with explicit rules about conduct and if the moderators aren’t active, leave and find another.

I know that a lot of people go on about Twitter like it’s the holy grail of writer interactions, but I find that environment way more competitive and cliquey than the FB groups or Slack channels I’m in.

But again, I pick the ones with the creator/mods who don’t encourage that kind of behaviour. The format itself isn’t the difference, the fact that the format allows mods to dictate the atmosphere and acceptable forms of behaviour is.

e) Breaking habits

Even with all of the word-muting in the world, some sites aren’t going to be perfect. Which is why I limit my time on them. I’m not saying everyone has to, but limiting my time on broader social media sites - especially the ones designed to get rage clicks like Twitter - has improved my mental health and given me more energy to interact with people in closed spaces/with my friends.

But this can be hard. Especially if checking social media is part of your routine, so I use a Chrome extension called StayFocusd, and an app for my phone called Freedom. (Freedom is paid for, but StayFocusd has a 40% off offer code.)

I’ve blocked broader sites on my phone altogether, and I’ve blocked them on my browser for most of the day, leaving myself just enough time to check my notifications, and then I have one day a week where I’m allowed on all day to queue posts/tweets and see what’s going on.

I actually downloaded an ebook app on my phone, and that’s been my go-to instead of social media, massively increasing my reading time.

In conclusion...

I don’t think “social media bad” is a good way to think about things, but I also think that it’s important to recognise your limits. I have autism, ADHD, and I work two jobs. I don’t have time for drains on my mental energy.

Not if I want to maintain friendships and have hobbies.

But I also don’t think turning off social media altogether is a reasonable suggestion for a lot of people.

So, I’m not being one of those people who tells you to throw your phone away. But I do think that maybe looking at the time you spend on social media, and asking what you’re getting out of it isn’t a bad idea.

I guess I’m basically saying that you should ask if it sparks joy, so... That’s the conclusion. Marie Kondo your social media.

[meltangospelhour]

Notes on Reverie & Discipline: Chapter 1

Format: 1st Person Narrative

Chapter Rating: R / +17 [Implied Sexual stuff/it's smut]

Summary: This story was written after and based upon the 2020 GOFest that's been collecting dust. It's a first person recollection of thoughts after certain events, as well as repressed feelings coming to the surface between three characters in particular.

Chapter 2 // Chapter 3

Blanche

Comparing notes is how we’ve come to conclude our daily routine. It has been logical to do so; our research overlaps quite a bit. As you know, I oversee the handling of evolutionary components and deducting the requirements; Spark is an expert when it comes to breeding and handling Pokémon in their infancy; and Candela, in matters of improving overall stats of a Pokémon, which can involve a combination of stardust and candies.

To address it as Spark would: “Candy makes the candy.”

...Ahem.

So, because candies can trigger the evolutionary outcome of a Pokémon, it is inevitable and without question that I would be working alongside Candela quite often. It’s a fate inescapable. Even if we’ve discovered nothing new, she and I will come together out of a habit that’s formed over the course of these years. If one of us is too sick to appear in person, we’ll connect virtually. In all matters of candy, stardust, and now Rockets, there is always something to discuss.

Such evenings are somehow intense, yet still quiet. Cozy, if you will. The way my partner shifts from being so analytical in one moment, into a giggling fit the next, was a pattern that alarmed me in the beginning. Are you really a scientist, I’d wanted to ask countless times during our first sessions. Now, I’m happy to be a witness to the gamut of personalities that find themselves called into the field that are Pokémon studies.

Candela is far more crafty and even more calculative than I had come to imagine. If she loses, she still somehow wins. I have to work hard for my victories against her; she loses gracefully, but you will have most certainly earned that victory. Countless times, I have created elaborate defenses, counting on her weaknesses--proven and potential. And, repeatedly, I have seen her sidestep them before she’d even touch the surface of my hard work.

As if I were the purest ice, she sees right through me.

With her, there is no hesitation in matters of reading my face, my eyes, the way my fingers move, the pace of my breath, the tone of my voice, the quivering of my lips. Even down to the way I dress, she knows the language I speak past my mask, intentionally and not.

I could, at times, feel where those eyes went. It was distressing, yet oddly… alluring. That reaction has yet to change.

Within six months of observing me, she once asked of me: “You’re upset; aren’t you?”

“And why do you think this?” I sharply quipped.

“Your braid; it’s underhanded. When you’re in a better mood and have your hair braided, you’d usually opt for an overhand technique. Right?”

I found myself paralyzed; she was right. My Lapras had come down with Pokerus. While the virus itself is generally beneficial, it doesn’t make the course of the disease any easier to endure. Seeing someone you care about in pain and discomfort weighs heavily on the mind. As always, I kept my more guttural emotional responses suppressed. The issue of anyone knowing what my Lapras was going through wasn’t the problem; the issue was the potential of my raw emotions stifling my work.

I found myself angry; I had lost control. To opt for a euphemism so many are wont to make: she thawed past my glacial barrier. With this knowledge, would she take advantage of it?

She did, only…not in the way that I’d feared.

Candela stopped by to make sure my Lapras was comfortable, and told a story about how her Infernape, then a Monferno, came down with it. The Pokémon's massive head now resting in her lap, my research partner sang to it a lullaby that I’d never heard--Only to realize along the crescendo that it was Lugia’s Song in a different key. My Lapras, for the first time since falling ill, found enough will to make sound beyond agonized moaning and hummed along with her.

I looked on at the scene that churned impossible-to-pinpoint feelings from within: a woman who I’d feared, and, in a panic, further embraced water-types into my repertoire. Only to find that she seemed relieved I had done so while jovially complaining about needing a real challenge. Now doting upon the very Pokémon who could potentially, with its gains in its newfound recovery, could likely better withstand her team, if not devastate it, if I calculate my strategy accordingly.

It dawned upon me that she saw herself as a small part of something much bigger. If we were strong together, it was all that mattered to her.

She’d said to me some time ago, not the exact words, but akin to: Battles are frequent. They are won, they are lost. But war only has one victory, and that is the victory to focus upon.

That resonated true, especially now.

The feeling of partnership and friendship remained stable. However, something else within felt threatened.

...Something deeper that I’d repeatedly denied myself.

❄❄❄

I’ve worried. I’ve found myself knotting up within. I hadn’t fallen ill. I began to follow the pattern that was behind this sudden nuisance. One of the GO Rocket leaders we were up against is a person from Candela’s past. Someone close to her. A rival and a close friend. In a passing and annoyingly irrelevant thought, I immediately processed the possibility of them being doubles partners in that not-so-distant past.

I found myself thinking about it more, wishing to see the fight they’d engaged in in that field. I thought more about them than I did Cliff. I feel so terribly sorry for Cliff; Giovanni is unworthy of a man that loyal. But I found my thoughts wandering more often to a point that could be deemed unhealthy at worst, counterproductive at best.

The Salamence were the ones that drove my thoughts into this descent. Candela had one that she loved so dearly. That is not to say that she didn’t love her Pokémon equally, but her closeness and address of the dragon seemed so very unique in of itself. To compare, she addressed her Moltres with a certain deference, as we often did with our signature birds. To further illustrate the relationship, one could say that they were our patrons and we, their scions, in a sense. With the Salamence, however, there was a certain reminiscence and determination that I could never understand--

--Until I learned of Arlo’s possession of a Salamence. Though, his was tainted--as far as I was aware. Likewise, this could all be fallacious; I could be bringing up Sierra and Candela’s Houndooms, mine and Sierra’s Lapras, or Spark and Cliff’s Tyranitars. These coincidences potentially had just as little-to-no grounds for concern.

...Right? Of course. Of course, I’m right.

The Salamence themselves shouldn’t be a detail worth my mulling over; however, it drove my curiosity as to who filled the ranks of Arlo’s non-tainted team that Candela had, from what Willow said (who recounted what Candela told him) requested to battle. For old friends who dedicated themselves to the world of Pokémon battles to have matching Pokémon, or Pokémon who were romantically involved, it was often seen as what one might call a ‘cute’ gesture.

A cute gesture between old friends…

...Old friends who could be considered to be of ‘marrying age,’ no less…

To share a pair of dragons was no small matter in certain cultures. After all, Arlo is presumably Kantonian, or perhaps Johtonian; Candela is--

If the dragons are or were mates, then, possibly--?

(I still do not know Candela’s exact age. Her appearance is considerably younger than Spark’s, despite her being the eldest. I attribute this to a number of factors alongside her own healthy habits. One of my admins even teased that Valor’s old guards biologically engineered their higher ranks to fit a certain ideal, to which I immediately dismissed, but considered the potential sciences for my own personal application in terms of enhancing my own mental aptitude permanently.)

In addition, I suppose Spark being very open to discussing Sierra, but Candela’s withholding of Arlo, fuels my ruminations. Spark and Sierra have shared no past, but the level of transparency he was willing to offer is to be appreciated.

“...Has she mentioned him to you?” I asked Spark while watching Elekid and my Metagross play together.

“Nope.” He was careless and quick to reply. I wish he’d not assume before speaking.

“...You’re aware of whom I’m asking about?”

“Yeah,” Spark laughed. “Candela and Arlo. It’s all over your face.”

He wasn’t being careless, and I was wrong about him.

Sporting the audacity to gesture around the proximity of my own face with his finger just to drive his point home, I felt anger well inside of me. And yet, I wasn’t sure who or what I was angry towards. I quickly deducted that I was mad at the situation itself; that I had let my feelings over the situation shatter my façade. He didn’t need to ask “who” due to the fact I had, apparently, exposed my emotions out in the open more than I’d anticipated.

“I suppose that Professor Willow is the only one that Candela had spoken with in-depth about him. Are you not curious?” I asked Spark.

“Of course I’m curious!” he said as Elekid went flying. Nonchalant, Spark raised his hand to catch the flying ball of flailing and laughing energy. He was many things, but the manner that his ‘mother Beartic’ side often activated, as effortlessly as taking a breath, never ceased to impress me.

“You know what, though? When Candy’s ready to speak, she’ll speak! ‘Sides, it’s not like she’s got anything we can actually use! I mean, what’s she going to say? Dude likes boxers over briefs? What are we gonna do with that? Mail him thongs?”

I was fortunate that my anger had found focus. Spark was right; it was pointless. The thirst for my knowledge was driven by my own selfish desires, nor was it hampering Candela’s performance. If anything, it was a fuel.

And yet, my desires persisted. And grew.

...How would she know what sort of undergarments he preferred? Why would you even use such a crass example, Spark? They were only close friends. Nothing more.

I have had days where I absolutely abhorred Arlo. I’ve yet to speak with him; and yet, the reports from trainers and the fact he’d hurt Candela was beyond enough.

I had nights where I reveled in our time -- OUR time -- comparing notes with one another. That time Arlo could have shared with Candela, had he behaved and not fled like a spoiled coward, now belonged to me. Her closeness as she leaned over to see my work along the scattered papers and array of holo-screens...

...The firm, caring squeeze of her hand upon my shoulder;

...The warmth voluminous breasts brushing against my back when she leaned in for a closer look;

...The tenderness and melody of her voice uttering my name, telling me how proud she was to be my partner.

...The scent she wore that often compelled me to lick my own lips.

...I’ve experienced guilt for this indulging. We are working. I always kept still and drank in those moments. I dismissed the apologies from her when she soon realized how close she leaned over me as I worked in my seat and at my desk. For the record, I do not like it when anyone invades my space uninvited. I’d not prefer it.

But this? This was acceptable.

Desirable.

I always kept my voice to a whisper when I forgave her, and kept my face close to hers. At first, it was never planned; a pleasant accident. But, after conducting enough research regarding such gestures, I found that it was a way to sate this growing need for her I had within. To quell the steam without crossing the professional line, so to speak.

I began to realize that part of myself had lost control for her. Close to my proximity, I could feel her warmth, combined with that warm, sweet, spicy perfume that most certainly had traces of Salazzle pheromones imbued within. Alone and in the darkness of night, I then found myself yielding to the temptation of vivid fantasies and succumbing to the will of my own wandering hands.

I felt safe to do so.

Then, from within a dream, something clicked.

Awakened by epiphanies is the norm for my course of sleep. I keep a notebook upon my nightstand for such moments. However, this was the first time I felt too horrified to write. I didn’t want the degradation of my thoughts towards carnal desires to be committed to any tangible memory.

Still; it was a thought that felt as if I were gazing down a void that could envelope me at any time. I kept wanting to know just how close they had been.

Why are the notes on him so vague?

Why so much hatred just because of Candela?

Did she break your heart, losing a Pokémon battle?

Or stealing your potential title?

Am I missing something?

You seriously cannot justify abusing Pokémon because you lost against her!

You wanted the leadership position; didn’t you?

No, that’s too easy. That can’t be it.

Sometimes that’s all there is to it, Blanche.

Perhaps I’m committing the sin of over analyzing things. I still recall Cliff’s message, chiding me for ‘thinking too much.’

(While his observations are… sound, that did nothing to gain the upper hand against me in our previous battles.)

Perhaps these concerns I ruminate upon weren’t merely carnal desires. Perhaps they were more...

[He is sly and manipulative.]

That note. Who’s being manipulated? Why mention this useless detail in our dossier?

I can only compare him to anything but. I’ve met Rattata who were more sly than he.

Small. Loud. Does nothing but preach. Preoccupation with humiliation, and announces frequently for his desire to not be embarrassed. And yet, he seems so simultaneously proud and disgusted of Rocket. That isn’t very manip--

“Wait.”

My need to annotate took precedence over my stubbornness. This might be important. I took only a few notes; short ones for column [A]; extensive ones for column [C]. [C] would come to explain [A]. I will make [C] explain to me [A].

And yet, weeks later, we found ourselves standing beside one another. The subsiding heat from the summer sunset radiated upon us in the glow of victory as we watched the GO Rockets flee. With the aid of Victini’s blessing, we were able to overwhelm what could have become a potential disaster beyond words. One may call such a scene ‘romantic.’ Perhaps that would have been the moment where I should have confessed to her. Perhaps share a kiss? That’s how that sort of thing works; yes? Two warriors, victorious in their pursuits, succumbing to their long-repressed desires. In those stories Candela loved so much, it always seemed to play out that way.

Almost always. There was that one spy novel she complained for an entire week about.

Despite my successful duel with Cliff fresh upon my mind, I set aside enough space to recall what I’d observed of Candela and Arlo.

(Due to the sheer number of witnesses, Spark and Sierra’s battle was not worth recalling and was quite straightforward; to this day, and apparently to Sierra’s chagrin, people still speak of it extensively.)

I had witnessed the Valors; leader and traitor, from a distance; the unreadable faces; the wordless, pre-battle lingering. The reflection of the sunlight in Arlo’s spectacles from my position obfuscating the legibility of his emotions--while Candela, so expressive as can be with her enrapturing eyes, was no more different from when challenging one of our trainers. She radiated so much vivacity; and yet, she told me absolutely nothing.

...That was the point; wasn’t it?

My recollection was suddenly interrupted by that familiar voice so warm and bubbly: “I guess we won’t have any notes to compare tonight, huh?”

“...I suppose not,” I replied. Of course not; we were uncovering details at an amazing pace; my personal concerns aside.

Still, my chest began to ache, caused only by what I could only ascertain was due to tension. Candela; invite me to something after our dinner with the Professor. Ask me something, anything. A showcase battle? A doubles battle with Spark and the Professor? Chess? Would you… Care to spend the night? Anything? I couldn’t look at her. I looked at everything and everyone else around me but her. I knew that if I did, she’d call me a Piplup and ask what was wrong. Not that I minded, but I wasn’t ready to allow myself to react to that the way I desired to do so in public.

She said nothing.

Before I could take command of the situation and extend my own invitation, I finally directed my eyes where she was supposed to be.

She was already gone.

I last glimpsed her waving to Spark and Professor Willow before mounting her Rapidash and taking out beyond the valley’s treeline.

I took a step forward to call out to her, to simply give her the similar dismissal/greeting that I often did by announcing her name; but the echo of the sound of my heel clicking down on a flat rock seized me by surprise, thus disrupting my usual vocal range into a far more embarrassing octave.

It was the reverberation of both my voice and that step that suddenly alarmed me. Something about that echo, in my mind’s auditory hallucinations, made it feel as if I were speaking in a chamber.

No, a theatre.

What would have been something of a charm in a natural, open space--to hear one’s voice echoing in such a way--triggered a visualization of all the notes that I had taken, and what I had bore witness to today.

Something’s up. I was now beyond determined to find out just what it was.

Chapter 2 // Chapter 3

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙 𝕌𝕡♡

Hi there! I’m sorta new to your blog and I wanted to say I love all your headcanons! Keep it up! And remember, taking time for yourself is always important, so understand the long wait. Don’t push yourselves 💕

That said, I was wondering if I could request a (anonymous) match-up for Haikyuu!! Free! and JJBA? I’m a straight female who is fairly short (5’2”), slim/thick (according to my friends) with hazel eyes and medium length blonde hair. I tend to have a more tomboyish/geeky style. I practically live in graphic T shirts, hoodies, jeans and sneakers.

I’m pretty much an ambivert who tends to come across as quiet and awkward with new people, especially those I���m unsure of. This is because I have the habit of reading people quickly, so if I don’t feel a connection I often clam up and appear stoic. Though, most of the time I tend to warm up quite easily and usually come across as friendly and laidback, so much so that some people say it’s intimidating. I’m super talkative and despite my bad resting face, have a ridiculous sense of humor! I enjoy laughter and am amused by almost anything, since my humor bounces all over the place. Dark, offensive, sarcasm, puns etc. Although, I know when to lay off and remain serious if the situation calls for it.

According to close friends, while I am mostly funny and compassionate towards others, I can often come across as blunt and stoic. Even cunning and mischievous to the point it scares other people. I hold back tho. I also tend to say whatever comes to mind and it catches people off guard a lot. Though, I try to keep it to a minimum. I strive to be patient but tbh I struggle with anger issues sometimes and holding grudges, but I’m improving!

As for interests, I am a complete video game nerd and could discuss games and lore all day if given the chance, especially MegaMan or any of the Nintendo series. It’s one of my biggest passions that unfortunately I can’t express as often as I’d like since many view it as weird. I also adore animals of all sorts, especially reptiles and exotic creatures! In addition, I’m a creative writer, vocalist and aspiring artist! I adore anything artistic or animation related and can ramble for hours about the subject. I also have a knack for randomly researching unusual facts, such as the history of animatronics or any other idea that comes to me at the time. Psychology and random trivia take up half my brain tbh.

I am quite stubborn, independent and skeptical when it comes to romance, but at heart I’m a true romantic. I’m just in denial lol. I’m pretty gentle at my core and am easily drawn to guys who are mellow and soft but have a humorous side to them as well. Also, I adore cuddles and physical affection (I get shy tho). Anyways, tysm and I’m sorry this was way longer than intended! Have a good day/evening, keep up the good work! 💛💕

»»————-　♡　————-««

Hello sweet pea~! Welcome to our blog~! I hope you enjoy your stay with us~! ^^ I’m so glad you like the head canons we come up with! ;; It makes us so happy knowing you enjoy them~! We promise we’re taking the time to take care of ourselves so don’t worry your cute head~! ^^ Other then that, you’re more than welcome to have a match-up~! I’m so sorry this took so long to get out ;; I hope you enjoy who I’ve paired you up with, and again thank you for your support to our blog~!

» » Admin Ko

𝕀 𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕚𝕟𝕘...

ᴏɪᴋᴀᴡᴀ (ꜰʟᴀᴛʏᴋᴀᴡᴀ) ᴛᴏᴏʀᴜ

Mischievous in his own right, Oikawa is the match- for you~! He’s quite understanding in your quiet personality, and honestly isn’t interested when he first meets you. Though of course this changes when he happens to pass by and does an entire double take to soak in the sight of your sudden change in personality among friends. The setter from then on is constantly observing you before gradually working his way into your life. Before long, he soon comes to realize the massive crush he has on you. 

In short, it’s to the surprise of no one that within a week you both are officially a couple. Oikawa is immensely taken aback by the change in attitude you have when among close friends that every time it happens it just further intrigues him. Not only that, but the alluring feature of how you can still be so relaxed yet still intimidating to many. Similar to you, he’s just as cunning and mischievous to the point you both could be considered a duo to not be messed with. He won’t hesitate to talk someone down if they try to pick a fight with the both of you.

Other then that, he finds your passions endearing and adorable. It’s more often than not that he’ll request information from you just to see the sparkle in your eyes as you talk away. It’s also an absolute given that he’s just as affectionate-- if not more affectionate with you. Oikawa thrives off of skin ship and will literally take any moment he can to solidify to not just the public, but to himself that you both are an actual item.

ᴋɪʀɪꜱʜɪᴍᴀ ɴᴀᴛꜱᴜʏᴀ

Energetic and upbeat, Natsuya is the one for you~! Someone who isn’t afraid to start a conversation first, he jumps in to make a casual friendship with you, and is most pleasantly pleased to see your laidback and friendly attitude. (Of course not immediately but as he begins to grow on you.) Personally, he doesn’t find you as intimidating, but there are moments where he does feel unsure around you. His humor can be a touch similar to yours, though not as extreme. Other then that, he’s most definitely be the type who’ll mix in well with your cunning and mischievous side. Especially when he has a desire to pull a couple of harmless pranks.

He may not be as interested in video games, but he does show some activity whenever you happen to talk about lore. The story and intricacy behind it just as alluring to him as the way your voice narrates the mystery and theories. Besides that, he’s quite affectionate and won’t hesitate to give you all you need. He may not be overly affectionate, but he gives enough. A lot of his actions are gentle and sweet when it comes to you and gradually he becomes more like his true self around you. (Meaning he’ll be comfortable enough to speak to you about his own turmoils etc.)

ʜɪɢᴀꜱʜɪᴋᴀᴛᴀ ᴊᴏꜱᴜᴋᴇ

A trickster with a heart of gold, Josuke is the last one on this list~! Ever so sweet and understanding, he’s patient with you when it comes to understanding your ambivert tendencies. Though he doesn’t really notice it until you really mention it to him as you both happen to click rather well with friendly grins on both of your faces. He’s just as talkative as you and most definitely enjoys your sense of humor. 

Josuke absolutely loves your cunning and mischievous side. It’s a trait he personally connects with well and will adamantly ask you to join him on his adventures of cutting corners. Other then that, similar to you he’s an absolute gamer nerd. He’s just as invested, if not more into video games and will actively talk with you about the lore and theories for hours on end. Usually facing one another while laying in bed with the sparkler of curiosity and passion in both of your eyes.

Similar to you, he’s quite stubborn and very independent. Josuke is most definitely the true romantic sort of guy, and will do his absolute best to showcase that to you. He’s quite affectionate, but tends to be quite shy about PDA at the start of your relationship. Of course this grows old and within a couple of months he’d leisurely have an arm wrapped around your waist or holding your hand as you both walk the streets of Morioh. 

[marvelswinterfrost]

1943 (Part 5)

WARNINGS: mentions of blood

...

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

MASTERLIST

...

Loki sat in Bucky's apartment, staring out the small window of his bedroom; looking at nothing. A piece of paper lay in front of him, the few words that were written on it crossed out. He still held the pen between his slender fingers, spinning it around and keeping his hand busy. He sighed heavily and slumped back against the back of the chair which creaked softly as he hit the wood. Writing a letter wasn't usually a difficult thing to do, for a poet like him, but hiding and holding in the words of affection that were racing through his mind was hard. He hadn't recieved any letters from Bucky at the front but figured they must have went missing on the way back to the United States. He should have known; they were mortals afterall.

He glanced from the window to the paper and frowned disappointingly. Not a single word that he'd written in the past two hours was not crossed out or overseen with questionmarks. Loki had planned on finally confessing his love to Bucky, telling him that he meant far more to him than he could possibly assume. Loki wanted to tell him when the sergeant was shipped to Europe but the weak voice inside his head was screaming 'no.' He'd brushed it off that day, thinking he'd had all the time to do so when Bucky came back, but after recieving not a single letter in almost a year, he got scared. Had Bucky possibly found someone new? Maybe it was his own fault if. He hadn't thought of writing James a lot if he was being honest and now maybe he had to pay the price. "But just maybe." he mumbled and brushed his greasy black hair behind his ear. He missed Bucky doing that for him whenever he was reading. He missed when his gentle hand brushed it back and stayed there, cupping the side of his head before James went on doing something else. Loki smiled sadly. He missed him so much.

"What'cha doin'?" said a slightly familiar voice from behind him. He turned around and saw a tall blond man staring down at him. He seemed to be in pain- not the kind you'd feel when being injured, but rather emotional pain caused by a tragic event. He knew this man, had seen him somewhere before. But his mind seemed to be ignoring his request on providing information.

"Who are you and what is your excuse for walking into strangers apartments?" Loki said threatingly, pushing the wooden chair back and staring the somewhat familiar looking stranger down. He still held the pencil in his hand and pointed at the slightly shorter man, ready to use it.

"Calm down, please." the other man said and raised his hands slightly in surrender. He chuckled. "Didn't know you and Buck were this close. You've known eacher other for three days, right? That's quite rushed-even for him."

"How dare you speak of him in that tone!" Loki hissed angrily and raised the pencil higher. His hand holding it even firmer.

"I remember you." the blond said, lowering his hands again before strolling through the apartment. Loki's eyes were still focused on him. The slender man looked like he'd just wait for him to do something wrong so that he could stab him with the pen. "You're the guy from the Expo that Buck fell in love with at first sight. If I can remember correctly he drooled more because of you than because of Stark's flying car.- You seemed to be such a gentleman as well; didn't know you could be that defensive."

"It seems like you remember every detail but how come I do not remember you?"

"Oh right, I'm sorry. I'm only just getting used to-" he pointed nervously at his muscular body. "-all of that." the tall man took a few steps forward and stretched out his hand, smiling softly and polite. "I'm Steve Rogers. Bucky's friend."

Loki let his hand drop. The defensive posture now relaxed but confused. Disbelieve mixed with shock spread over his face as he tried to figure out what Steve just said. Has he meant that tiny guy that was with James? That couldn't be. It was almost impossible. But yet, he was from another realm and a literal god; he should have not been that shocked.

"What happened?" Loki asked, trying to sound as polite as possible even with the threat lingering in his voice.

"Uh, it's a long story. Short: I succeeded in enlisting and somewhat got caught up in Howard Stark's experiment to create a super soldier." Steve paused for a second as he straightened his brown uniform that looked like it was two sizes too small. "But that's not why I'm here."

"I figured. If you are here in hope to find any news on James you wasted your time." Loki sighed annoyed. He had nothing against Steve, nothing in particular at least, but the longer he had stayed on earth the more these mortals got on his nerves. Their primitive minds were way behind his. Odin had always preached that midgardians and asgardians we're equal, but in Loki's eyes they were far below him. With one exception: Bucky.

"I tought I might give it a try. Just in case they sent a letter to the wrong adress since his family hasn't recieved one either." Steve sat down and motioned for Loki to do the same. He hesitated at first, not being too comfortable around the other man and would rather not let his guard down, but still took a seat in the end. The blond inspected the wadded paper that was laying on the floor and on the table, taking in the attempts of writing a letter.

"Have you heard anything? It looks like you were writing a letter. Maybe a response?" Steve asked interested.

"Sadly, no. And I would rather say I tried writing one. Everything that came to my mind was nonsense. I was trying to confess-" Loki stopped, not entirely sure if the thing he was about to say would be of any interest to Steve, "-something."

Steve nodded in response as he knew what Loki had meant. "Yeah, confessing his love to another man is risky when you don't know if the letters are being read by authorities beforehand. But you'll have the chance to tell him. Once I get him back the first person he'll see is you, I promise."

" 'Get him back'? What do you mean by that?" Loki asked stressed. It seemed as if Steve thought something might have happened to James and he did not like this way of thinking. Even though the same thought crossed his mind a couple of times as well. He'd always pushed it aside, ignored it in fear that the more he was considering it, it might become true.

"Did you think they made a super soldier and won't send him into war?" he chuckled, looking down at the floor. "Well, one actually refused but I'm not staying in a lab where I can do nothing for the soldiers fighting on the fronts you know?"

"That's honourable, but you're as much of a fool as James is. Blindly turning to violence must be a common human trait I suppose. It's pathetic."

"Bucky's a good guy. He wouldn't be violent if it wasn't needed. I'm sure you know that."

Loki nodded in agreement and smiled. "You're right. But you-" he pointed at Steve, "James has told me a lot about your habit of picking fights with strangers. You surely are a fool." Steve laughed.

"Yeah, Buck's said that a thousand times already. I'm sure he's happy he found someone who thinks alike." both were silent as neither really knew how to continue. Everything had been said, well..almost everything.

"I will accompany you." Loki said out of nowhere. Steve looked at him in disapproval, clearly not liking the idea.

"No. You clearly don't have any experience in how to handle weapons and surely no military training either. If something goes wrong I will not be the one who was responsible for you getting hurt or you dying. Bucky would never forgive me for this." Steve shook his head, his voice was remarkably monotone and flat.

"I am of much more capable than you think, Rogers." Loki answered sternly, not interested in being pitied. "If there's a chance of James being hurt, we shouldn't be wasting any more time. If you like it or not, we're safer when I'm coming with you. Doesn't matter what happens."

"Alright, if you're sure about it, come along." Steve left after the conversation was over, leaving Loki all by himself...again. Not that he minded. Rogers said they would be leaving tomorrow morning and that Loki should be on time because "Peggy", whoever that was supposed to be, would have his ass otherwise. And he was. The next morning all of them plus Howard Stark sat in a plane to Europe. During the flight he and Stark discussed his invention, the flying car he presented almost a year ago at the Expo. Howard was surprisingly openminded when Loki gave him a couple of tips on how to improve the power and stability of the car. He mostly concentrated on flying the plane but did catch a few of what Loki had said. Maybe if he had listened to more than these few scraps he'd even have accomplished building a functioning one.

When the plane landed Steve, Loki and Peggy (Loki found out she was similar to the warriors on Asgard. He was impressed; didn't know some of these mortals would have the courage to do what she did. She really amazed him. "Worth studying." he thought.) were being brought to the main tent of the camp where Bucky was stationed. A massive man sitting behind a desk, writing letters to families of missing or dead soldiers. There was a list laying on the wooden plate, showing their names and ID numbers.

"Sir?" Steve said saluting. The general looked up, taking in the muscular man in front of him. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"You must be Rogers then."

"Yes, Sir. I was sent here to help."

"Help? For fuck's sake I'm not gonna send you out there, Rogers. You're no soldier even with that serum in you. The only thing I'm allowing you to do it keeping these troops entertained." he didn't laugh. He was serious. But that wasn't why Steve was here. He wasn't an object used for entertainment, he was a weapon.

"Sir, I am not-"

"I don't care what you think you are! You're here to entertain the troops, not fight at the front!"

Loki and Peggy were standing behind Steve, observing the tension with great interest as the muscular man fought with the general. Interested in the list that was laying on the table, Loki silently took a step towards it while the other men kept fighting. They didn't seem to recognize him moving and taking the sheet of paper. He flicked through the pages of names and stopped abruptly. 'James Buchanan Barnes- Missing'. He felt a lump in his throat and his hands started trembling slightly. Loki handed the paper to Steve as he was trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Rogers." he said softly, pointing at the row where Bucky's name was written. Steve took in a deep breath, trying just as much as Bucky to not let his emotions win the fight. There was no time for crying, not now. Not until he knew for sure what happened to his best friend.

Loki turned to the general and leaned against the desk. "What happened to Sergeant Barnes, General?" he said threateningly, just like when Steve had 'broken' into Bucky's apartment. The general sighed defeated, knowing it was pointless denying information now.

"His and other teams went missing on a mission. There were no traces of where these Nazis have taken them. None." he slammed a hand down onto the table, making both Loki and Steve jerk back a little.

"We'll find him, General." Steve said and put the list back down.

"Like hell you will, Rogers! I'm the one in charge and responsible for you and you will not leave this camp, do you hear me?!" with every time Steve talked back the anger in the general's voice increased. He was simply not having it.

The three of them left the tent in the end, Steve furious about the man's ignorance, Loki distressed and confused in how Steve could obey when the life of his partner was in danger and Peggy trying to bring Steve to his senses.

"What are you doing, Rogers?" Loki yelled at Steve as he stepped in front of him, trying to keep him from walking. "Only a complete idiot would listen to these orders! James is in danger and you're planning on doing nothing?"

"No, I'm not. Once it's gotten dark, we're leaving." he turned to Peggy. "Peggy, you're trying to find out where Bucky's team was headed and ask Stark if he could get us there somehow. Loki and I will distract the guards and get some weapons and equipment later in the evening."

The plan was simple, wait until it went dark, distract the guards, sneak into the tent that stored boxes of weapons and uniforms, get to Stark and get Bucky back. Everyone was prepared. Peggy succeeded in getting Stark to fly them to the coordinates and Steve and Loki got the things they needed. Although Loki didn't like the idea of carrying guns. Steve had been right, he didn't know how to use them but what was he supposed to do? Let some golden daggers appear and tell him that he 'found them somewhere in the mud'? Mortals may be dumb but even they would figure that there was something wrong.

The night seemed to be lasting forever. Fighting Nazis and marching trough mud. Steve had mainly used the shield he got from the camp whereas Loki had gotten himself a dagger once Steve was busy fighting the enemy. Only once he had used the gun but had completely missed the target. So he switched.

It had taken a few hours until they had found a big building hidden in the woods, heavily guarded.

"Won't be easy gettin in." Steve said breathlessly.

"It surely won't." Loki responded, holding the gun closer to him. He was exhausted. More than he had ever been in all of the years that he'd been alive. He wasn't trained for war, not on Asgard and not on Midgard. This much physical strain was almost unbearable for him. It felt like he would collapse any minute. But why? He was a god, he should be able to handle all of this. Afterall it was a mighty creature against puny, worthless ants.

Once they had broken into the Nazi camp, they decided to split up. Steve went searching for the missing units and Loki went to find Bucky. Knowing his best friend Steve figured Bucky wouldn't stop fighting until he'd taken his last breath. They had probably seperated him from the others to avoid riots and resistance.

Loki made his way through the dark, wet halls. All of them seemed to be empty as Steve had probably already started to gain their attention and lure them downstairs. 'Bucky had not exaggerated. Rogers really is a fool.' Loki thought.

The place smelled horrible. The stench bore through his nostrils as he walked further to the end of the hall, suddenly becoming aware of a quiet voice mumbling something. Loki followed the sound until he'd reached a heavy metal door that was slightly cracked open. He raised his gun, ready to fire at anything that moves...if he hit. The room, much like the halls, was dark and stunk of death and blood. Loki pulled a face. The more he moved into the poorly lit room the louder the mumbles got. Behind remains of an old wall that used to devide the two roooms that were now one, Loki could see someone laying on a metal table. The man was mumbling and it...sounded familiar. He gulped, each step he took faster than the one before.

"James?" He asked shocked, putting the gun away as he stood beside the table. It was him. Tied down by psychopaths.

Bucky opened his eyes, red from being kept awake due to the immense pain and crying. James looked up, trying to find the owner of the voice. When he spotted Loki, his eyes were clouded with confusion, not recognizing the man at first.

"Loki?" Bucky asked smiling as the haze in his mind slowly faded.

Loki teared up at the weak voice. He placed a hand on Bucky's cheek, trying to give the shivering man on the table as much warmth as possible.

"Am- am I dead? Is it over?" Bucky asked. His eyes boring through Lokis' in hope he'd say yes. He had wished so desperately that all of this would end for weeks and now, his wish might come true.

"Nonono, you're not. I promise. I've got you, James. You're safe. It's okay." Loki whispered, his voice breaking a little as his thumb stroked softly over Bucky's cheek. The shiver in James' body seemed to fade with every second the god's hand lay comfortingly on the clammy cheek.

"I'm still alive?" he asked, not entirely sure if this was another one of their traps he would fall into. 'No, he won't. Not again.'

"Yes. Yes you are. And I'm here with Steve. We're getting you out of here, alright?" Loki's voice was soothing as he figured it would be of no use to the tortured man if he'd started panicking. But Bucky's mind seemed to have drifted off. "Love, do you understand?" Loki asked again, trying to get the man on the table to focus.

"Yeah, I think- I think I got it." James laughed. He'd missed that. Loki calling him 'love'. "Can you-uh-untie me, please?"

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry."

Once Bucky was free, he sat up, letting his legs dangle from the edge of metal table. He softly massaged the sore wrists where the ties have held him down.

"Can you stand?" the black-haired man asked concerned.

"I guess, yeah. I might need a little bit of help though." smiling, Bucky slowly slid from the table, his knees buckeling as soon as his feet hit the concrete floor. Loki was there in an instant, putting Bucky's arm over his shoulder and steadied him with one arm around his waist.

"Now...where's Steve? Didn't you say you two were here together?"

"Yes, he's-"

"Right here, Buck." Steve interrupted as he walked into the room smiling. It felt like a weight was pulled off his chest. His friend was alive. Not all that well, but alive.

"What- Steve, is that you?" Bucky asked as he let his eyes wander over the soldier's body. "What happened?"

"They poked me with a needle."

"I- is it permanent?"

"So far."

As the three were walking down the halls again, Loki having left his gun where they had found Bucky, the silence that was once haunting the corridors was gone. There were loud noises everywhere, keeping them from hearing enemies coming around the corner.

"Rogers, be careful!!" Loki shouted as two heavily armed men pointed their guns at them. Steve threw his shield, only managing to take down one of them. Not wanting to get both Bucky and Steve in danger, Loki let his hand, that has been around James' waist fall. A bright green light covered his hand, both Steve and Bucky looked at the lightball with confusion. Maybe it was even fear. The light faded as quickly as it appeared, revealing a shiny dagger, the blade made of gold. He threw it with a swift motion at the men down the hall, hitting him straight in the chest.

"Not the strangest thing I've seen here but- The hell was that?!" Bucky asked baffled.

"I'm not who you think I might be."

"No shit." he laughed.

"I am from Asgard, a realm outside of yours. My powers are greater than you may realise." Loki panted. Holding Bucky, basically running and talking st the same time took too much energy from him.

"Are you a wizard or something?" James asked confused, not quite getting what his lover had meant.

"I am NOT a wizard. Don't you dare disrespect me like that again. I am the god of mischief." Loki defended himself. No mortal would call him a damn wizard.

Bucky looked at Steve in awe, smiling from ear to ear. "Did you hear that, Stevie?" he chuckled. "I'm in love with a literal GOD."

"Yeah, of mischief. Wouldn't wanna crown myself with that." Steve snorted.

"You're being no fun, Steve. When have you ever seen a god, huh? I am FUC-"

"Stop it! Keep those things to yourself, Buck. I don't wanna hear it." The soldier interrupted his friend. This was something he was not overly fond of hearing.

"You do realise that I can still hear you?" Loki raised his eyebrows. Was this some sort of mortal thing to do? Talking about a person that was standing in the same room, hearing what they are saying?

"Sorry, doll." Bucky smiled sweetly.

"Alright, let's get out of this place." Steve said as he kicked down a door that was keeping them from the exit.

"Hell yeah." Bucky approved and clung to Loki's body even more. He had just gotten him back and he was never letting him go.

TBC