#it’s so scary how you never know anyone 100% completely except yourself

[thaenad]

Hey. I love your work so much on your other blog (and have even sent anons there) but since this one is more feedism-related than fat lib related I figured I’d send it here, I hope that’s okay.

Do you have any recommendations for people with this kink who are so deeply ashamed by it that they haven’t been able to tell anyone about it their entire lives? I’m alloace and never had a partner partially because the only sense of sexuality I have is this kink and I have always felt like that makes it almost impossible to truly connect with a partner without knowing 100% they’re into it beforehand. And yet, I have so much social anxiety that I hardly meet people period and given the shame surrounding this kink I kind of assume anyone who I’d really click with would never tell me they were also interested in this and wanted me to feed them unless we’re already in a relationship. I can’t even be open and honest with friends about it because I’m terrified of their judgement especially because I AM so pro-fat lib and have been so vocally around them and I dunno. U saw all those anons u got lol.

I dunno I’ve just resigned myself to never having that kind of intimacy but it’s hard sometimes when I know deep down that it’s what I want. Do you have any recommendations for what I can do to start being more open and honest about my sexuality and hopefully feel a lot less ashamed? (For the record I am very sex-positive, for everyone but me if that makes sense. Lmao.)

Hey there anon, it's absolutely okay! I'd love to have more of these conversations with fellow feedists on this blog, especially since it's a much safer space for all of us.

Oof. I just wanna reach through the screen and give you a great big hug. I can completely relate to what you're going through right now (also as an alloace). I struggled with the exact same fears before coming out to anyone 5-ish years ago. It's so hard to feel like you have to hide or deny such a big part of who you are, and I hope you're doing okay. Just sending me this ask is a great step towards self acceptance, because connecting with other people who get it can help so much. If you need to talk, my inbox and dms are always open. ❤️

I will say the most monumental step for me was talking about it out loud with someone. Although the shame may cause paranoia, I promise that you can tell your best friend and they will still love you. Yes, the backlash from fat libbers on the internet is scary, but they don't know us, we're just a concept to them. The people who know you already know that you are not a predator. The people who know you know your intentions are good, they love you, and they want to support you. If they listen to you with compassion when you express yourself other times, they will listen with compassion when you talk about this.

The fact that you are passionate about fat liberation means you have already crossed the biggest obstacle when it comes to self acceptance for feedists: knowing that there is nothing wrong with fatness. Most people take their entire lives to discover that fact (or never do), and you are already there. And from what it sounds like, you are surrounding yourself with fat positive friends. That's huge. Take a minute to celebrate yourself for that.

If you decide to open up about being a feedist to anyone, be selective. Fat positive people are safer because they already understand the basics. They already know you're passionate about fat lib, being a feedist won't negate that, it will make sense. Most people actually have no idea what feedism is, so you might have the chance to explain it for the first time in a way that is positive, and that can be incredibly validating and empowering.

The person you share this with will know how hard it is for you. The first time I opened up to my best friend about it, I wept on her shoulder. Nothing changed between us except I felt seen and supported, and now she sends me posts with food and teases me about fat guys, and we laugh about it, like she would with any friend. It's made me feel so much more close to normal.

If that feels impossible right now, that's okay. Keep talking to feedists online, keep seeking community. I had to make friendships with feedists years before I could even imagine telling my own friends. The more normal you feel, the less scarier it gets.

It can be really, really hard. I ended up seeking therapy because I was struggling so much with shame. I knew I needed it, but for years I put it off because I didn't know if I could trust a therapist, I thought they might diagnose me with a sexual disorder and try to give me conversion therapy! Needless to say, that was the shame talking. Fear can cause our minds to heighten things out of proportion. It also took years of conversations out loud with a friend or two to finally be able to talk about it in a therapy setting. This shit takes time. After I discovered fat liberation, flung myself into the research and dissolved some of my own fatphobia (the BIGGEST step of all!) I ended up searching for a fat-positive, kink-conscious therapist, and guess what? They exist! They are 100% sex positive, understand the principle of bodily autonomy and that health does not determine a person's worth, and will remind you of those things over and over. I still see my therapist, they've always been in my corner cheering me on. They've helped me through the shame and fear, and they've helped me navigate my sexual & romantic relationships as a feedist. It's one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself.

Here's a post I made on how to find feedist-friendly therapists.

"I have always felt like that makes it almost impossible to truly connect with a partner without knowing 100% they’re into it beforehand."

I feel the exact same way. It was so isolating and horrifying before I realized that I don't have to date non-feedists. I know this is something that will likely take a LOT of healing first, but I want to share my experience just so that you can see what a potential future looks like. First I tried dating on feabie, got into my first relationship, but it ended very badly for me. Again, it took a long time, but eventually, once I knew my self worth, knew that there are lots of people out there who will be into what I'm into, and could spot red flags, I was able to disclose my preference for feedism on regular dating apps. I didn't care what strangers thought. Some people asked me what it was all about, politely expressed that it wasn't for them, and we parted ways. It is such a relief to have potential partners know I'm a feedist up front. I eventually met my current partner and the love of my life on Hinge. I had feedism in my profile and he sent me a message saying, "hey! I'm into that too." If a feedist relationship is something you feel like you can't live without, I want you to know that it's possible for you. If you tell people what you're looking for, they will come. You'd be so, so suprised. But it takes a while to get there. The fact that you want it for yourself is huge, and I am so proud of you for reaching out for support.

Take it from someone who lied awake every night in agony, crying and worrying and wishing I just had someone out there to tell me that it was going to be okay.

Please know this, dear heart:

It's going to be okay. ❤️

[xiaojunsdiary]

fraud

yoon jeonghan x male! ftm! reader

prompt: you’re the newer member added onto seventeen around aju nice era and you have a secret that you’ve done a pretty good job hiding until someone finds out

warnings: minor transphobic comments ONLY because jeonghan doesn’t get that you’re trans right away but he’s really sorry about it, jeonghan is NOT transphobic!!! angst, body dysmorphia, body image, insecurity, me projecting, i accidentally switch between 2nd and 3rd POV, slight suggestive at the end

word count: 896

mn had already felt like an outcast when he had joined seventeen. he wasn’t completely fluent in korean, could barley hold a conversation but that could be delt with. what really made him feel like an outcast was the lack of a certain body part.

the members didn’t know this. no one really did except your parents, the company, and best friend back home. and you planned to keep it that way. the company required you to get top surgery before you could join in seventeen. you didn’t mind, in fact you were thrilled. they paid for it as well as your testosterone.

but that didn’t stop the thoughts that filled your head all the time. from being around so many beautiful attractive men made you feel so insecure.

especially jeonghan, who while carried feminine qualities, still looked masculine. like a man should.

the members never treated you differently, they didn’t even tease you about your smaller frame. they didn’t have any reason to. especially woozi.

but the thoughts never stopped flowing through your head.

“why can’t i gain muscles as easily as them? why can’t i have a naturally masculine physic.

why couldn’t i have been born male?”

it hurt. a lot. knowing that even when the bottom surgery could’ve been provided, you still could never be fully satisfied. you had to wait a little while before you could get it done. and while you longed for a penis, the thought of truly changing your identity scared you.

while removing your breasts was scary, you were 100% sure about it. but your vagina…you weren’t. and that had caused a second wave of thoughts to go through your head as you turned the shower handle off, cutting off the endless stream of hot moisture.

as you got out of the shower, you tried not to think about the internal battle your mind had just went through and grabbed a towel to wipe off any access water.

while you were drying off your back facing the door, your worst nightmare happened:

the door began to open.

how could you not remember to lock the door?? the one rule you had bestowed upon yourself and you manage to break it. your eyes shown true panic as jeonghan opened the door.

“hey, mn, do you want-“ his words were cut off as he stared at you. he didn’t immediately look away as normal men wouldn’t,

“we’re all guys, why does it matter?”

they would normally say only you weren’t. or you didn’t feel like it.

“j-jeonghan!! can’t you ever knock??” you exclaimed wrapping the towel around your lower area quickly, a blush appearing across your cheeks.

“you’re a…woman?” he asked. he cocked his head to the sign as he examined your face for a reaction. your eyes glossed over after his accusation.

“no! i’m not! i’m a guy, j-just like you!” you pitifully stuttered.

“yes, you are. you have a vagina”, he continued, not understanding the power that sentence had on you.

“but i a-am”, you cried, a stray tear cascading down your right cheek.

“then how do you explain-“, he says while walking towards you, closing the door. he cuts himself off mid sentence as his eyes fall to your chest. a very faint line of a scar, underneath where your absent breasts once were. his eyes widen a little at his sudden realization.

“ohhh, you’re…” he trails off as he looks into your face for conformation. you nod your head weakly as the tears you were holding it release themselves.

“you c-can’t tell anyone, hannie, please” you begged, “please don’t out me. i love seventeen. i don’t wanna get kicked o-out.” your sobs getting mildly louder as your begging continued, the sound breaking his heart, as well as your own in a way. your knees gave out as you collapsed to the ground covering your chest.

“i won’t, i promise,” he said as he kneeled down with you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder, squeezing you tighter.

he removed it only to bow all the way down to the ground.

“i’m so sorry, mn. i didn’t mean to misgender you. i’m so, so sorry. please, forgive me. i’m really sorry. i’ll do whatever you need for me to make you feel more comfortable” he said while continuing to face the ground.

you quickly pulled him back up off the ground with a fierce blush on your face.

“th-there’s no need for all that, hannie. your apology was enough.” you state fixing his long hair.

he stared at you closely, really looked at you. he put his hand on your thigh that was midly exposed, the other hand on you right arm.

“are you okay? like do you feel okay now?” he asked, softly rubbing your thigh in a comforting manner.

you nodded.

“are you sure?” he pried.

you let out a small laugh at his urgencry.

“i am as of right now, hannie. thank you” you gave him a bright smile with a small bit of pink dusting your cheeks.

“you’re welcome,” he said, analyzing your face with a matching smile. his hands found their way onto your waist with a gentle grip. you could feel your face heating up.

“can i show you how much i adore you and your body?” he said, rubbing your sides softly.

you looked away, shy, and nodded your head.

“okay”

****************************************************

if i do a part 2, it’ll be smut. y’all want that??

started: 09-24-23

finished: 09-24-23

[the-scaredy-crow]

Get to Know Your Moots Writeblr Interview

Template

Thank you for the tag @ceph-the-ghost-writer ! It's been like over a month, but I finally got a chance to work on this.

I'm leaving an open tag since it has been so long. If you see this, don't be scared to jump on and tag me in your post so I can read it!

~

Remember, folks; if any of the questions don’t spark joy, just delete ‘em. If someone tags you and this feels like a chore, don’t do it! This is for fun!

On the Tumblr Writing Community

How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr?

I've had this account for years, probably since I was 16 at least? Maybe longer? I only recently gathered the courage to start posting here, so I've been more active in Writeblr since around the beginning of 2024.

What led you to create it?

I created my account for the sense of community and belonging I found on here. I grew up in a tiny town, where I never really got to be myself. Even when I was writing, I either had to filter myself a ton or never let my work see the light of day. This seemed like a place I could be myself and be surrounded by people like me.

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

The community aspect of it all, 100%. I've never had so many people who care about the same things as me and who are so completely themselves. It's so refreshing.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

I am super anxious, especially about social stuff, so if I come off as cold or distant or anything, I really don't mean to.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

More mutuals, always more mutuals! I also love seeing rambles about whatever y’all are obsessed with lately!

What tips/advice do you have for someone who made a Writeblr today?

Be yourself! Don't be afraid to reblog, like, and follow. Everyone I know loves that type of stuff, and even though it's scary to put yourself out there, it is the only way you will get to meet the amazing people on here.

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

I am in the process of rewriting/finishing the first draft of Kindling Bones. My brain has been filling in a bunch of gaps and adding to it a lot lately, so I’m just trying to keep up.

How long have you been working on them?

I started Kindling Bones in 2022 (maybe?), but I really started focusing on it after I finished the first draft of a story I lost the spark for. I’ll eventually get back to that one I think.

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

Kindling Bones was a mash-up of a couple ideas. Originally, it was a story of a hero-turned-villain desperate for revenge after his family was caught in the middle of a hero’s mission. I think it was partly inspired by one of my old WIPs. Somewhere along the way, it turned into a battered hero who loses everything holding onto his new life as desperately as a starved dog and finally learning to heal. I honestly forgot Rhys was supposed to be a villain!

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Kindling Bones takes up so much of my brain currently. I see Spyder and Achy Bones in every cat I want so desperately to adopt. Rhys and Adam will not leave my brain alone with all their angst and fluff.

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

Uhhhhhhhh (I turn red and break down into a stuttering mess).

I don't talk about my writing to anyone except on here. It's usually a vague "fantasy, murder, that type of stuff" if I accidentally do mention it. Or just an “I haven’t really been writing lately.”

What do you want to say (if it’s different from what you do say)?

I want to tell them about how I write stories driven by characters, stories that I crave and that I hope others can look at and say, "hey, there's me". I want to go on an on about the stupid little gay people I write. I want to grab their shoulders and shake them and say "I write everything my heart tells me. I write love."

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.

My first gay character will probably never see the light of day. His name was Jackson, and he was just a side character, but he took up all of my brain. (Looking back, his story was terrible and I'm glad to have abandoned it, but I am grateful he existed for where he got me)

My current favorite is probably Katzyr, Viktor, or any character from Damsel Not in Distress, though they haven't seen much spotlight.

Who’s the most unhinged?

That's a toss-up. Katzyr definitely has his quirks and is the biggest loose-cannon I currently have. I also have one who is literally losing his mind. And there's the MC from the first wip I ever finished a first draft of, who got more unhinged throughout his story (I might go back to that story, but I wrote it under my old pen name, so maybe not).

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

The characters in my wip, Damsel not in Distress, are easy to write because I focused so much on their characterization when plotting the story. The first character I wrote who falls under the asexual umbrella is my beautiful graysexual detective, Evan from Memento Mirror. He probably comes pretty naturally for me since I'm ace, and he opened the floodgates for so many more a-spec characters.

Do you ever cringe at them?

Not much honestly. Sometimes at the stupid mistakes and misunderstandings?

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?

My OCs are usually the type to write themselves and not leave me alone about it. I do a lot of work building them up in the beginning, but eventually they just take over my brain whenever they please and tell me how things are going to go.

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters?

Yes!! I would love to answer questions about my characters! Literally ask them through whatever means you want, and I will do my best to answer.

On Writeblr Engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account?

I'll admit, I'm pretty click-happy. If I see a profile recommended that looks interesting, I do a bit of surfing then follow. I mostly go by vibes, but I also follow if the WIPs are cool! If there’s a queer WIP, I am probably going to follow :)

What makes you decide against following?

I 100% don't follow- and will probably block- anyone hateful. I’m also really careful about cybersecurity (it’s a big part of my job and one of the fields I study) so I will definitely avoid any accounts that seem fake.

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

I try to; I'll reblog any post that inspires me, but I usually only see the stuff from my mutuals and others I follow.

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

OMG yes! I was at the library a while ago waiting for my sister, and I was like oh, I can look for that book that's been plaguing me. After like fifteen minutes of searching the internet with vague descriptions, I realized it wasn't published yet... I was looking for a book from someone I follow on here. So yeah, I definitely think about your OCs/stories.

*If you have a story that's published or coming up, lmk so I can check it out!*

[dreamkidddream]

Hi I love love LOVE your blog would you maybe do all the obey me brothers x reader yandere wise?

Hi anon! Thank you for the love I really appreciate it!! I know I sound like a broken record, but I was so nervous to start this blog and I’m so happy that people are enjoying my writings. So this request was kinda vague (and it’s my first yandere request!), so I’m assuming you mean general headcannons being in a relationship with the brothers (separately) being yandere. If I’m wrong, just send in the request again with some more details and I’ll be happy to redo it. Reader is gender neutral and I hope you enjoy!

Sidenote: Beel’s and Belphie’s part is a little bit short. Sorry!

TW: Unhealthy relationships, toxic behavior, yandere behavior but not too graphic is mentioned

Spoilers for Lesson 9-11 (mentioned in Satan’s) and Lesson 16 (mentioned in Mammon’s, Beel’s and Belphie’s)

Yandere HC’s with The Bros

So let me begin by saying this: I think that all demons are very territorial and even more so possessive. The brothers no doubt all love you, but you couldn’t help but realize that their way of love was starting to get just a tad bit worrying. I mean, you knew that they were demons and that they wouldn’t dream of hurting you (again), but it was starting to feel...intense. After all, they were just starting to express openly how they feel. You tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it was scary. They were determined that you were going to know just how much they love you...

And you were going to accept it, whether you wanted to or not.

Lucifer

Very controlling

You thought he was strict before, please, you haven’t seen anything yet

It went from telling you when to eat to downright constantly being in his presence. You were pretty much living in his room at this point, with the exception of leaving for school where he was your only escort

He was the embodiment of Pride, he took in pride in everything that he does, which included you. He was the reflection of perfection, and he were going to make sure that you and your relationship with him would reflect that too

He couldn’t help it. He was the oldest and the brother in charge, and that control transferred into your relationship. There was no room for backtalk or disobedience with him, it was his word, and his word was final

But, it was coming from a good place (in his eyes). He only wanted the best for you, because you deserved the best. And you’re a human, one of the weakest beings to ever exist that demons wouldn’t hesitate to rip limb from limb for fun. And he already lost you once due to his negligence. If he was there, if he knew what you were up to, if he knew your every move, then it wouldn’t have taken place. If he takes control, you would be safe. Sure, you would complain about wanting your “freedom” back (relax MC, he didn’t lock you up yet), but this was the best course of action. 

Being the Avatar of Pride and the oldest (and most powerful) of all the brothers, Lucifer was intimidating. He knew the power and the weight that his name holds in the Devildom, he wasn’t Diavolo’s right hand man for nothing. So with that being said, he didn’t have to worry about any lesser demon even thinking about trying to take you away. 

He didn’t see anyone as competition. Psh, do you see who he is? If anything, he sees these “competitors” as nuisances. Annoyances that didn’t know how to go away when they noticed that they weren’t welcomed. They weren’t going to take you away, they won’t even get the chance to be physically close to you, but...

He didn’t have a problem in making an example out of one or two people, as a matter of fact he relished it in. Have them on display for the whole Devildom to see. After looking at their disfigured and nearly destroyed bodies, the message is made clear: to make sure that it’s known that you are off limits completely

He loves you MC, and you may not understand that when he hovers over you, demanding that you never leave his sight, when he makes it to where none of your friends talk to you anymore (when they see you both walking, they immediately turn the other way like they haven’t seen you at all), and even when your time with the other brothers is limited to the point where you see him and only him, but he truly does love you

Lucifer loves you. He let his walls down and even swallowed his pride when he admitted this to you, and he doesn’t want to regret it. Which is why he had to be the dominant force in this relationship. He wasn’t going to lose you again, he refused to. No one was going to take you away from him, lest they incur the wrath of the firstborn

Mammon

This demon was already clingy, so just amp it up to an 1000

Mammon already gets picked on by demons, witches, and even his own family. So when you started to defend and comfort him, he was smitten. You, a mere human, making the Great Mammon feel butterflies in his stomach? Had you told Mammon this 100s of years ago that he would fall in love with a human, he would have laughed in your face and blew you off. But here he was, head over heels in love with you

He was already following you, since he was deemed your protector, and he took that title very seriously.

“Oi MC, stay close with me, that creep’s walking too close.” “Human, ‘ya need to let me walk with you every class, what if some no-good demon’s plannin’ something and I’m not there?!” “MC, stay away from that scumbag, I don’t like him being near you...”

Your safety wasn’t a game, it wasn’t a risk he would be taking like he’s playing a game of poker. No. He loves you, and he hasn’t felt this kind of warmth since his days in the Celestial Realm. If it means that he would never leave your side (and trust me, he’s not complaining), then he was happy about it. Ecstatic even. You were a pure soul and you made him smile everyday, he wasn’t willing to lose you by a longshot

He escalated from being a puppy to a growling rabid demon, baring his fangs at anyone he deemed a threat (which was starting to be an alarming rate of people, even people that you both personally knew). Mammon would always have some sort of grip on you, ready to pull you away under the guise that he was defending you. It got to a point where it just seemed like he was always on edge, just picking fights for no reason, and it got to the point where you confronted him about it. These people were your friends! They weren’t random demons trying to eat you alive, they weren’t trying to torture you for entertainment, and you are your own person! You’re not just some possession, and you’re not a child! You can take care of yourself-

He didn’t like that at all

You didn’t understand it, you’re a weakling compared to everyone here, and you wouldn’t make it by yourself (was Belphie not enough proof of that statement?!). You needed Mammon, and he was going to be there protecting you, whether you wanted it or not. He failed once, and got a second chance, and he wasn’t going to waste it. And if you didn’t want his protection, that’s okay. You’ll grow to live and love him soon enough

Many people forget that while Mammon does act childish and does rather stupid things at times, he is the second born. The second most powerful brother right after Lucifer himself. He won’t (or at least tries not to) do these acts in front of you, no. He knows how vulnerable you can be, you’re not used to seeing vicious acts like these in front of you, but he is. Your classmate that wanted to do a study date for a big test? He’s trying to curse you so he can hurt you Canceled last minute and unenrolled from the class next day. Beel’s teammate that asked you for your number? He obviously wants to get some inside info to harm you Bones broken beyond repair to the point where he couldn’t play Fangol anymore and left in despair (you were only trying to plan a surprise for Beel since he’s been working so hard). The demon that accidentally bumped into you on the street? He tried to attack you and Mammon stepped in before it got worse You personally saw what he was capable of before you begged him to stop. 

All in all, he’s the Avatar of Greed, it’s in his nature to be selfish. Before, he hated himself for how low his sin would make him feel, but damn did it feel good to indulge in it with it came to you

Leviathan

Out of all the bros to go yandere, he would be one of the worst to encounter. Good luck MC, cause you’re gonna need it dealing with his yandere side

Being that his sin is jealousy, it’s just a disaster waiting to happen. Why were you ALWAYS talking to his brothers and not him?! It’s not fair, it’s not fair!-

On top of that, he can be very manipulative, and he knows it. Whenever he talks down on himself, saying that he can understand why you would want to talk to other people instead of him. After all, he’s just a icky otaku who’s a worthless excuse for the third strongest brother-

Whenever he has this spouts, he knows that you’ll drop everything and come reassure him. You can always reschedule, he needs you now

With Levi, he knows what he’s doing is wrong, but he can’t help it, and he doesn’t care to. It took him so long to find real affection, and even then he still had his suspicions. You don’t really care for him if you keep trying to leave him, you don’t! Clearly, your love was just an act. If you really did love him, then wouldn’t you spend all of your time with him and no one else? 

He knew that you couldn’t physically be with him forever, you weren’t immortal after all. But that didn’t mean that you couldn’t spend your remaining time with him. You could switch to online classes like him, constant anime and TSL marathons, and you could even watch him stream live! That sounded like heaven (ironically) to him and it would make him beyond happy, so why aren’t you agreeing with him? You would do this if Mammon asked or even if your hex classmate begged you too, so why not do it for him?? Was he not enough for you?! He knew that someone would try to steal you, and there will be hell to pay

Another thing, Levi was smart. Granted, not as book smart as Satan, but he was smart and sly. Always being stuck in his room, it gave him the chance to be stealthy since no one ever expects him to leave (unless it was for a rare appearance at RAD for student council meetings or something he was actually excited for and wouldn’t shut up about it). This gives him time for what needs to be done: collecting some “personal souvenirs” for himself and getting rid of some scum

Levi is like Mammon, many people forget that not only is he the third strongest, but he is the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy. They just don’t see him in this position of power because of his image as the shut-in otaku who fanboys over Ruri-Chan. But when he breaks out of that mentality, people should worry...

He doesn’t like to be super messy, his route is silent but quick. Doesn’t mean that it would be painless though, just quick and without much of a mess. Being an reptile/aquatic demon does have its perks, especially when it comes to using his venom

Levi, while he struggles with openly expressing his feelings, won’t have that much of an issue showing you how he feels. He may not be able to say it with words confidently, but he can definitely show you how he truly feels by never letting you go

Satan

Another one to where if he went yandere, he would be the worst to deal with

Satan, while he had a better handle on his emotions, still struggled from time to time. He is the Avatar of Wrath, and yes, you all didn’t feel like you had to walk on eggshells when conversing with him, it didn’t mean that you could just say or do anything

He still reacted in his angry ways, but it wasn’t nearly as ruthless as how it was before. For example, if you spilled something on him by accident, he’ll be just a little irritated, but after looking at your guilty expression, it would slowly drift away. He knows that you aren’t idiotic like some of his brothers , and it was you, he couldn’t stay mad at you no matter how much he tried. It would eat at him, anger turning into sadness, then clarity and understanding. And you were to thank for that

After the whole body swap fiasco, he gotten better with understanding emotions other than the usual fury that flowed through his body. And the ones that you would make him feel got him addicted, to say the least

Like Levi, he starts to understand that what he is doing can’t be right, but he doesn’t understand why. Satan, one of (if not) the smartest of the brothers, could not figure out what you were making him feel, until it finally hit him when you said the three words he desperately didn’t know that he needed to hear:

“Thank you so much, Satan! Seriously, I love you.” 

This feeling became much clearer now. This...was how true love felt? Like the ones that he read so much about? This was like a dream come true then. He, a demon that born from literal wrath, was receiving genuine love. Someone loved him, and he refused to let that go. 

He would occupy your time and space more, always offering to help you study for some tests or completing assignments, and even inviting you to come read with him. This was fine, it wasn’t an issue. 

What was the issue was how territorial he was getting of you. Whenever someone else wanted to hang out or just be in your presence, Satan would lose his cool. It would start out slowly building with him making snarky comments out loud, saying that they were boring you and wasting your time when you could be with him. Then it would lead to him lingering around, sticking close to your side by either grasping your hand or, if he was feeling extra possessive, an arm wrapped tightly around your waist with him giving a threatening look at the offender. If none of these things were working however (Diavolo forbid if the person was ignoring him or even acting smug), he was ready to explode.

He didn’t want to scare you anymore than he already had. Satan knew that in the past that he used his reputation as the Avatar of Wrath to strike fear into people, including you when you first arrived here. But he was a new demon! He couldn’t make his anger or wrath go away, but he could control it and find new ways to release it instead of the usual rampages. And he wanted to prove to you that he wasn’t just the rage-filled demon, but a man that was more than capable of loving you

But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, let this person get off scot-free. You noticed how tense he was getting, and before you could even blink he already had them dangling by their neck. You could make out some of the things he was saying, “How dare you think you can take MC away from me?! I won’t hesitate to end your pathetic existence if you so much as glance at them-”. He could feel you tugging at him, pleading at him to please calm down and that you could both just leave-

Well, why didn’t you say so earlier MC? All of this could have been avoided if you were just with him this entire time instead of this filth. As long as you kept giving him this euphoric feeling and have him feeling like he’s on Cloud 9, then everything will be fine. A non-rampaging Satan is a happy Satan, and a happy Satan is good for you and everyone around. Just stay in his presence, just give him love, and everything will be peaceful.

Satan is not a merciful demon, and when he acts on his wrath it gets very gruesome. If you want people to keep their body parts attached and not scattered across the Devildom (and not find their bloody heart at your door since they wanted you to have it so much), then don’t stray away from him. When Satan is with you, he feels content with everything, and he doesn’t want that to change. He wants you to be happy with him like he is with you, and he won’t let anyone get in the way of that

You were the beauty to his beast, and he was going to get his happy ever after, even if he had to tear through and rip apart every single person in the way, one by one

Asmodeus

Getting the Avatar of Lust to fall in love with you is a feat that was rarely (if not ever) obtained. It was both a blessing and a curse

A blessing to where you got the treasured fifth born to show you just how much he appreciates you for you, and only wanted your eyes set on him. A curse to where he only wanted your attention, and was furious if your eyes wandered off him for a millisecond.

You knew how Asmo was, he lived for the attention, the spotlight on him and only him, with people announcing their undying love and affection just for him. But there was a glaring problem with this

Asmo wanted you announcing your undying love and affection just for him. He loved his fans, but he didn’t love them like he loved you, and that was a problem for him. You made him fall in love with you, so it’s only fair that you deal with it, right? It’s only fair to love him as much as he did you right? Really, you were the one that was suppose to be madly in love with him, not the other way around

It doesn’t matter what you answered, loving him was the only choice that you had. Your head should be filled with thoughts of Asmo, your attention only set on him, your pretty lips only speaking praises and “I love you” just for him, you should dedicated to Asmo and only Asmo

What did you do to make him fall so hard for you? He’s no stranger to having flings and the feeling of love in general. In the past, he’s convinced himself that he was in love with certain people, but it would never last, the “love” that he felt fleeting. So for you to make him feel this emotion, to feel this true love for so long and it not leave him yet frightened him so much. He wanted you to need him, to feel like he’s your very reason to breath, to live. 

And he hated it when other people took your attention away

Asmo definitely wasn’t the one to be messy (he still has to look his best and some pieces of trash was not about to change that), so he lets his charm do the job, literally. Who could deny his request when he tells them that they should just leave MC alone forever, and that maybe they should go pay Cerberus a visit if they’re so desperate for some attention.

All in all, Asmo is borderline delusional that loving him is by giving him your attention, always and forever. He loves you, and the bare minimum that you’ve been giving him (in his eyes) isn’t enough anymore. He deserves your love and affection at all times, even if it means that he would be the only person in your life, then that was even better. Your love was only fitted for perfection, and he was perfection, no one else

Beelzebub

Okay, so Beel is already the nicest brother out of the bunch, so I think he would be the least concerning yandere to worry about 

He’s already soft when it comes to you and his family, and he’s protective of you

He’s very, very protective of you

Beel, although he’s among the youngest, is one of the strongest physically. He’s muscular and the tallest out of the family. He doesn’t even need to open his mouth to threaten anyone, he can just stand there and stare menacingly in the background, and whoever was there would run for the hills 

He’s always around you, which isn’t a bad thing. All he does is eat (which he offered to share and even feed to you), make small talk, and walk with you to wherever you needed to go. Besides, to you Beel is a big cuddly teddy bear (just with really sharp teeth). He wouldn’t hurt anyone without reason. As long as no one was trying to take you away or hurt you, then everything was fine. 

He is willing to share you, but only with Belphie. He’s used to sharing with his twin, and he loved the both of you too much to be completely selfish with you. Plus, he knew that Belphie loved you too. This was the perfect reality for him: having you, his twin, and food. It makes him and Belphie happy, and they’ll make you happy along with keeping you safe

Now, if someone did have the courage to try anything with you, Beel would have no problems eliminating the issue. He’s a nice guy, but he won’t tolerate anything if it deals with his family. He’ll be conscious enough to where he won’t handle it in front of you, if anything he won’t even leave a trace. He’s the Avatar of Gluttony after all, he always has an appetite. 

Beel is a very understanding, but also very wary, guy. After the Fall and losing his baby sister Lilith and having Belphie taken too, he’s terrified that something can and is bound to happen to you again. He will be ready this time, he won’t take anything else as an answer. You’ll still have your freedom, and you can still hang around some of your friends (at least for now), but just know that Beel will always be around. He’ll be like your second shadow, and always on the go. He loves you, and he refuses to lose anyone else that he loves. 

Belphegor

This man was already yandere, let’s be real

After the whole situation happened and he was given a second chance to build a real relationship with you, he wasn’t going to screw it up. Believe it or not, despite his laziness, he was going to try his hardest to create a genuine bond with you. Actions speak louder than words after all, and he wanted to show you how much he’s changed. He was indebted to you, you gave him the chance to be with Beel again, and to get out of that cursed attic (even though he did kill you afterwards and was playing you like a fool)

Very possessive and very selfish. If he had to share, it would only be with his twin obviously. No one else was going to have you, and he would make sure that was a fact. After all, all he needed was you and Beel, no one else

Also like Levi, very manipulative. He doesn’t want to be that way, but if it keeps you by his side and no one else’s then oh well, he’ll get over it. If it has to be done, it has to be done

You don’t need to go to that party with Asmo, it’s time for your nightly cuddle sessions. Don’t go with that idiot Mammon, he wants his cuddles now. Why are you going with Diavolo and Lucifer? Are you forgetting what they did to him, what his dear older brother did to him to save face? See what you did, you made him sad, maybe if you take a nap with him and forget about everyone else he’ll start to feel a little bit better...

He’s lazy, but don’t take his laziness for weakness. If someone is really starting to become a bother, he’ll happily eradicate the threat. He’ll leave the body behind too, he wouldn’t feel like cleaning up. Plus, he would be proud of his work. Many people think that just because his sin is Sloth is that he’s a puny demon, but they also forget that he’s one of the most powerful demons to even grace Hell. And like Satan, he’s not very merciful. He won’t be as savage and bloodthirsty like him, but he’ll make sure that the problem goes in an agonizing way. 

MC, just know that Belphie loves you for you, and not because of the Lilith revelation. His words may not come across like he does, but what he doesn’t say with his words, he makes up for in action. I mean, you don’t have to worry about other demons being a pain because he’ll make sure that they’ll go away, and plus you can just stay in their room! Studies show that sleeping next to someone you love is super healthy and helps you sleep better in general, and who else is better for the job than him?

He’s going to prove to you that he really loves you, he’s not going to make any more mistakes, and he’s not going to have any more regrets when it comes to you, he’s going to make sure of that. No one is going to get in the way of the ideal dream: just you, him, and Beel. Not random demons, not the other exchange students, not even Diavolo. No one was getting in the way, no one. 

[vyeoh]

this is your chance: wax poetic about an Empires or DSMP character of your choice to a fan who is new to both. Explain why I should love them. I need guidance in this new and meme-populated land.

okok this is a lot of pressure haha. Spoilers for EmpiresSMP and DreamSMP below, obviously. I wrote a lot so prepare yourself, anon

I watch a lot of empires POVs but the ones I most anticipate every week are Scott and Sausage.

c!Scott (I'll call him Smajor for the sake of simplicity) starts off the series chilling, not really getting involved with the rest of the server, and staying aggressively neutral. After all, he's an elf. He has lived far longer than most of the other rulers already, and will most likely outlive them for many years. So, the best thing is to stick to his mountains and not get invested in the dealings of mortal affairs, maybe sometimes causing problems on purpose and dipping because what's life without a little spice right.

But then, this demon comes to the server, Xornoth. He's going around causing havoc and wants to send the world into an eternal winter, but he doesn't bother the kingdom of Rivendell much so Smajor stays tentatively cautious but ultimately unbothered. But then, the puzzle pieces start falling together. The first thing that the audience noticed was was Xornoth sounded like Smajor, but we mostly thought that this was just due to cc!Scott voicing both of them and there was nothing more to it. However, then, the people the demon starts possessing start chanting in elvish. The demon hates mortals, and the elves are conveniently one of the two confirmed not fully mortal races in Empires.

This culminates when Smajor stumbles across a cave that contains the backstory of the patron god of Rivendell, Aeor. Basically, there's two opposing forces, Aeor and Exor, and both have a champion. In a previous life, those champions were two brothers, where Aeor eventually prevailed and banished Exor. In this life though, the champions are - you guessed it - Smajor, and the demon Xornoth.

So now Smajor is like. Well fuck. It's my literal god-given destiny to be responsible for defeating this demon who is technically my brother, and if I fail the server gets plunged into an eternal winter. And I have no fucking clue what is happening because I've just been here on this mountain actively trying to stay out of the issues outside my kingdom. We watch him panic and teeter on the verge of spiraling for an entire episode, and when the followers of Xornoth go to the End to kill the dragon, releasing Xornoth's full powers, he fails to stop him. Smajor is a character who was used to being the smart one, the prepared one, the one who has the least deaths on the server. But he's also a character who runs away from his problems and ignores them. Before and during the dragon fight, we hear the desperation in his voice, as he's thrown into a situation he is wholly unprepared for, and it's bigger than him going to the Cod Empire to kill their king, or assisting in other people's plans to kill the codfather. He can't run from this. cc!Scott plays this scene so well as well, as I've said before, one of the best parts of Scott's acting is how he's never super dramatic, but he's so effective in the little things like inflection to make you feel, viscerally, the panic and dread.

So after the dragon fight, Smajor realizes, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and failed. So he gets allies. We watch him, someone who has so strongly been an isolationist, learn the benefits of allies and watch him learn to trust others and watch him learn how to get that trust in return.

My favorite thing about Smajor's characterization is that he's an incompetent protagonist, but not in the way of the "plucky young adventurer". He's capable skill-wise, and fairly jaded and very pessimistic. However, his issue is that up until recently, he did not care about the rest of the server at all, and by the time he learned to, it was way too late.

Also, in 3rd Life, cc!Scott and cc!Jimmy were canonically married and they reference it sometimes in Empires. Like, Scott goes over to the Cod Empire every so often both in and out of character to kill and/or flirt with Jimmy, the ruler of the Cod Empire, which may develop as a secondary plot into the future who knows. So ty Scott for giving the gays what they want o7

Now onto Sausage: his is a story of Icarus, his hubris and ambition being his downfall. He's one of the two followers of Xornoth, who promised him endless power in exchange for his servitude. He started the series being eccentric, but not outright unhinged, but slowly gets more and more extreme as the series progresses, as he gets brought more and more to Xornoth's side.

One of the best parts of Sausage's character, in my opinion, is how his gradual corruption affects the people around him. Initially, he got into a conflict with the Cod Empire and was allied with two other people in the Witherrose alliance. They were allies, but also close friends. The fandom liked to joke that the three had sibling energy, and I'm pretty sure the ccs played to that even more lol.

It was painful to watch the other two members, Gem and fWhip, watch Sausage get corrupted right in front of them, and see them desperately clinging on to this old idea of Sausage in their head because if they faced the truth, it would mean that their friend was gone. Eventually, they do finally cut him out of the alliance, leading him to fully commit to the side of the demon. Sausage felt very clearly betrayed by this, and declared the remaining two Witherrose alliance members to be enemies.

He gets more and more possessed, and we even see the other Empires, his enemies even, slowly realize that something is very wrong with the ruler of Mythland. He starts doing more and more evil things, like killing people more, making sacrifices to the demon, and eventually helping to kill the dragon to free Xornoth. So things are good for Sausage, for a bit. He won, and is more powerful than ever. Then he finds out: he's going to die. Xornoth's possession is slowly killing his soul, and eventually, his body going to be fully taken over and he himself is going to be trapped in the spirit realm. So how do you react to this? Over the next few episodes, we watch Sausage struggle between "the demon is literally killing me" and "the demon has given me so much, and I love it", all while Xornoth takes over more and more of him. We hear him exclaim that "don't worry!! I'm still about 15% there!" while trying to downplay every time Xornoth completely takes over his body. We watch him willingly oppose anyone who is trying to end the thing that is killing him.

My favorite thing about Sausage is that he is undoubtedly evil and proud of it, but he's also undoubtedly human. If you like to watch evil characters go absolutely feral, he's the guy for you. He makes the deal with Xornoth in the beginning, knowing and fully embracing the evilness of the demon, but at the same time he knows what he's doing is detrimental to both himself and everyone around him, but he's gotten in way too deep at this point, and to be fair the demon has held up its end fo the bargain, right?

Also, I would be damned if I don't talk about cc!Sausage's editing. Every one of his videos is like a movie. The way he does camera angles and uses music is so skillful- every lore scene feels like something out of a high fantasy action saga (think: LotR). Every big lore event I always wait in anticipation for Sausage's ep because his editing truly takes lore to another level.

I'm just generally very excited to see where this series goes. Empires is such a good mix of talented builders and good lore. Part of the reason why the series is so immersive for me, beyond any other lore smp, is that they have the settings to back it up. There is a certain charm to the DreamSMP's objectively terrible builds (with a few exceptions) but in Empires, the settings help sell the plot so much.

Another part of why I love EmpiresSMP is how much the ccs are involved with the fan community. I'm sure you've seen the memes about Scott being on tumblr, and Sausage regularly goes through the EmpiresSMP fanart tag on Twitter and likes art, even ones not related to Mythland. Most of the ccs, in fact, have brought up tumblr content on stream at some point or another. Like, several ccs have said that they read tumblr lore theories and hcs and stuff and sometimes take inspiration from them. Fun fact: Rivendell's church was inspired by my pinned drawing; confirmed by Scott Smajor himself. It's just such a good cycle of ccs and fans being excited about each other.

As for DreamSMP, I'm gonna be honest here, the only person I really am invested in in Technoblade. I started watching when he joined the server, and he's the only person whose lore I keep up to date with.

Techno's fun to watch because he's like the Deadpool of DreamSMP. Virtually unkillable, very skilled and scary, but consistently cracks jokes and breaks the 4th wall during plot. His POV is just fun. Like, he does wild plans and gives speeches and some of the stuff that happens to him should be called deus ex machine if it wasn't for the fact that Technoblade is the one who's doing it, and all the stuff is grounded in the fact that cc!Techno is just that good at the game.

However, the fact that he rarely takes anything seriously makes the few times Techno is 100% serious so much more impactful. His whole character has a basis in being perceived as inhuman and being treated as such, and therefore in return trying to hide his humanity. So, when he shows that humanity, whether that's fear, anger, or genuine love for his friends, it really makes you go "oh shit."

Techno's often said not to have character development, but I'd argue that while he remains steadfast in his moral code, he develops leaps and bounds as a person. Like, at the beginning, he's brought onto the server to help Wilbur and Tommy overthrow a government; them knowing he's 1) an anarchist and 2) very very powerful. His character was more of a plot device at that point and was treated as such in the canon. Wilbur and Tommy straight-up lie to him about their plans to establish another government after they overthrow the current one, while he was led on to believe that they were abolishing all governments in the area. But he isn't a plot device. He's a person, as much as he only shows the terrifying, blood god side of himself.

After the establishment of New Lmanburg (the new government its a long story), his friend Phil joins. And for the first time, we see him be fully human with someone and we see someone treat him like a human. Like, we saw glimpses before, with Wilbur and Tommy in Pogtopia, but Phil is the first person we noticeably see he trusts 100%. Then Doomsday happens, and Techno essentially retires to the tundra. During this time, we see Techno learn to be more human, first with Ranboo, then Niki when he establishes the Syndicate. In fact, the two of them, along with Phil, canonically throw him a birthday party, which is a far cry from his treatment in Pogtopia.

Techno's development is one of a god learning to be human, and I just think he <3

[illumilu]

“there’s only one bed” - hisoka morow x reader

a/n: a very stereotypical cliche for fanfics, but, yk what? i roll with cringe. so here, have my drabbling of what would happen if you were to spend an unwanted night in the same hotel bed as the adultrio. i feel like i may have made this a bit too long, but who cares?? i have time, you have time and an incandescent loneliness to fill, so let’s get into it!

summary: you arrive at the hotel with hisoka, but to your horror (wink wink), there’s only one bed. this is part one of a three-part series, with the adultrio. illumi and chrollo will be coming soon!

warnings: no particular trigger warnings, lowercase intended, a lot of fluff! and cuddling! i’m afraid there’s no nsfw here... keep in mind it’s hisoka - i kept it as pg as possible... may be ooc i’m sorry :)

hisoka morow:

- you arrived at your hotel room, tired from the trip there, not quite sure what to expect. you stared at the single bed placed in the middle of the room, aghast. there must have been some kind of mistake. except there wasn’t. the room had been booked out of simplicity, with no specification on the number of beds, or anything else for that matter.

- and, of course, the man you had booked this room with was none other than hisoka morow.

- otherwise known as the most flirtatious man on earth.

- a little bit of backstory; as your strictly professional colleague, hisoka was always taunting you with his charming little phrases, treating you like his little toy whom he could mess around with.

- “oh, y/n! whatever will we do~?” 

- you sighed in frustration. out of all the people you could have been stuck with on this trip, it had to be hisoka.

- hisoka sighed and pouted - not from worry or anguish - but, rather, to mock you. you shot him a dirty look.

- “my my, y/n... why so serious? it’s not like i’ll do anything~”

- the playful lilt in his voice suggested otherwise.

- while hisoka went off to take a shower, you busied yourself with your latest objective; making sure he couldn’t pull anything. being inventive as you were, you gathered all the pillows from the bed (which, for some reason, there were many of), and built a wall separating the two sides of the mattress.

- you got changed promptly, and lay on the left side of the bed, waiting for hisoka to come back. however, his shower ran for longer than expected, and soon enough you felt yourself becoming drowsy.

- just as you were about to fall asleep, you heard hisoka’s voice come from the other side of the room.

- he chuckled. “y/n, what do we have here? your latest invention~?” he teased, ridiculing you.

- “i don’t trust you.” you stated plainly, staring up at the ceiling. you couldn’t see him from across the strangely high pillow wall you had made, but you could feel him smirking. 

- “...and for good reason, y/n..” 

- he extended his arm and lazily ejected his bungee gum to attach to the pillows, knocking them over in an instant. damn. you thought you had made a pretty good structure. 

- you rolled over lethargically to see him standing there; what a sight.

- honestly, you didn’t mind hisoka. it was just... he often became... annoying. as much as he irritated you, you had to admit he was quite pretty. striking amber eyes, streaky plum hair that fell across his face, soft lips and an overall impressive facial structure. not to mention his unique fashion sense that somehow accentuated his toned body. porcelain skin, with his childish paint, which was so often called on by you - “hisoka, do you put that on every goddamn morning?” - he was a fine man. 

- but, when that bastard opened his mouth.

- what a contrary tale.

- he waltzed closer to the bed and eventually sat down with his legs crossed, like a child in a classroom - except, he was staring down at you, who was scowling at him.

- “hisoka. don’t pull anything. i’m going to sleep.” you ordered, rolling to your other side so you were now facing away from him.

- “oh y/n... but how could i resist you~?” he joked, lying down on his back, unnecessarily close to you. you tensed up. 

- “hisoka.” you warned. except you didn’t really sound like you were warning anyone. some undertones in your voice urged you to let things happen - for an uncertain millisecond, thoughts of letting hisoka do what he wanted plagued your mind.

- the millisecond passed soon enough.

- the jester turned to his side, so you were both facing the same direction and began whispering in your ear with a smile. why was his voice so... smooth? so succinct and mellow? that was not the type of person he was. so why did you want to melt into him? he giggled childishly. 

- “so... y/n... you wouldn’t mind if i did-”

- “-this!”

- all of a sudden, hisoka was embracing you, cuddling you and shoving his idiotic face into the crook of your neck.

- “HISOKA, YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO GET OFF ME.”

- “oh, but if you wanted me off, couldn’t you simply give me a little kick~?”

- bright idea, madman. bright idea.

- you kicked him in the stomach, which invoked no painful reaction, but prompted him to roll to the other side of the bed, letting you escape from his clutches. 

- “ah. y/n, that hurt~” he exhaled tiredly, feigning offence; it was more of a hum, which escaped his mouth like golden honey pouring from a dipper.

- “good. don’t come near me again.” 

- “if that’s what you want, darling~”

- “don’t call me that, morow.” you glowered.

- “how scary... good night, y/n.”

- despite trying to hide it underneath his complacent ego, hisoka was beginning to worry. the man was attracted to essentially everyone, but something pulled him closer to you especially. you had a certain magnetism about you that he found increasingly attractive. why did he find teasing you so... enjoyable? why did he long for you to reciprocate? thoughts such as these had been swarming his subconscious since the beginning of the trip. he had pushed away such speculation, for it didn’t suit him.

- a man like him, a man who killed so depravedly, a man whom nothing was known about, an enigma of sorts; surely a man like that didn’t deserve to truly love. 

- meanwhile, your brain was a motor engine; what had just happened, and why did you let it go on for so long? you had the reflexes of an expert nen user; so why did you let him stay there, nuzzling into you, before socking him in the gut?

- what a conundrum, for the both of you. looks like this cliche is reaching its peak, hm?

- you fell asleep soon enough; after all, the trip had been long and you were tired. not only physically, but also emotionally. hisoka wasn’t helping your case.

- hisoka himself often had trouble sleeping, which many people didn’t know. most nights, he just lay there solemnly, thinking of new card tricks or enticements for new victims.

- lately, however, he had been thinking of you.

- which he didn’t like at all.

- time passed as his mind whirred while he contemplated who you were, and why you made him so impressionable. suddenly, he heard something.

- he had his back turned to you but heard a shuffling of bedsheets. what time was it? 1am? 2am? he couldn’t tell, but he came to the conclusion that you moved around when you slept and left it at that.

- that was, until, he felt someone cling around his back and reach across his chest firmly, wrapping around his waist with their leg.

- that someone was you.

- if only you knew what you were doing, you would be appalled... maybe a little grateful... but for the most part, appalled.

- your soft breath brushed hisoka’s back delicately, making his nerves transform into an quivery yet arrogant smirk. your arm was wrapped around his chest and your leg was draped across his side. you were obviously deeply sleeping. he couldn’t see you from the way you were embracing his back, but he could have easily woken you up at any given moment.

- so, why didn’t he wake you up?

- maybe it was because he could tease you about it in the morning. yeah. that seemed reasonable. that seemed alike to what hisoka would usually do.

- or maybe it was something else, something he didn’t want to come to terms with, something panging within his heart, something festering inside of him, something that was a victim to his ignorance of emotion. 

- much like he had done to you earlier, you burrowed into his shoulder, sighing contentedly, blissfully unaware of what was going on.

- blissfully unaware of the way you were ruling over hisoka, the way you were confusing him and making his emotions a tumultuous mess.

- surprisingly, you clinging to him helped him sleep, and within 15 minutes, hisoka was out like a light. though neither of you were conscious enough to experience it, those few hours you spent embracing each other felt tranquil. it almost felt normal, or like something that should have happened long ago, but never did.

- as peaceful as those hours were, the moment you woke up, everything crumbled into chaos. complete and utter mayhem - at least, on your part.

- you woke up calmly enough, as one usually does, without realising where you were or what you were doing. but, as soon as you registered that you weren’t hugging a pillow, but in fact a person, your reflexes triggered and you abruptly let go, jolting backwards and upright.

- oh my god. 

- not just a person.

- hisoka morow.

- you stared at him dozing away, like the little jerk he was.

- what had he done to you? had he put you under some spell? no, that wouldn’t make sense. he was a transmuter, not a manipulator. the bastard probably didn’t even know how to manipulate. then, what was it? was it his dumb bungee gum? your mind was racing 100 miles per hour, so you sat on the left side of the bed, sullen and confused.

- your side of the bed. the left side. the side you had so protectively proclaimed as “your side”. yet there you had been, on his side of the bed, cuddling him? what type of sorcery had he used to make you embrace him so passionately? 

- facing the wall, you rationalised yourself. hisoka wouldn’t have done anything, right? but neither would you. right? right?

- “awake, are we?” 

- hisoka interrupted your disarray of thoughts. you stood up and turned to look at him. he was propped up on the header of the bed, staring at you composedly. with those amber eyes. what was he on? why was he doing this to you?

- “you...” you began accusing him but couldn’t finish. looking at hisoka, he seemed... well-rested for once. did he even know what had happened? was he waiting for you to admit something?

- “i...? i what, y/n? use your words~” he cooed mischievously.

- oh, the jackass. he definitely knew.

- you glared at him, unable to compile your thoughts into words. you watched as he stood up and walked toward you, until he was standing opposite you, gazing into your eyes. he smiled knowingly at you, causing an surge of emotions to rush up your throat, inciting you to say something, to do something, anything. 

- “did you...”

- “no, y/n. it was you.” he simpered.

- oh.

- he raised his hand and pat you on the head, a sly and righteous smirk ceasing to wipe off his lips. he left to the bathroom, leaving you standing there, mouth agape, eyebrow twitching in annoyance. or perhaps, better said, in confusion. when did you start clinging to people like that? 

- why... did you feel so at home? when you first woke up, something had been different. some sort of warmth had enveloped you, in your heart. it had felt nice to have someone to lie close to. 

- in the meantime, hisoka was also seriously mulling over his emotions for you. so many questions invaded his mind, each popping up quicker than the last had been answered. 

- sometimes, he felt as if it would be better to keep everything about you tucked away. underneath his charming, intelligent mask was years of emotion and love and hatred and all things deemed merely human, but too human for him to ever “deserve”.

- as the jester stared at his dazed reflection in the cheap hotel mirror, he came to this conclusion; it wasn’t a matter of what he deserved, or his entitlement. he had to confront the obvious truth that had been bugging him for so long.

- he would tell you he loved you, but not for himself. he would do it for you.

- let’s just say this was the start of something new.

hey so i thought it’d also be good to mention that this is my first time writing a fic on here... to be honest, it’s more the format of a drabble, but i hope you enjoyed! the word count was 2084 words, so i’m super sorry for rambling on too much - i feel like i got a little too deep into hisoka’s character at the end there. illumi’s and chrollo’s version will be coming when i have the time!

either way, likes or reblogs or whatever are super appreciated, but don’t feel forced to or anything! either way, i feel like no one’s gonna see this with my reach LMAOO but anyways thank you for reading, if you made it here! feedback and tips for writing on here are always helpful :) 

[tf2-hellhole]

hello! I hope this hasn't been requested before but, can you write some lovesick headcanons for the mercs? i'm talking totally head over heels, just absolutely immobilized by their feelings type of lovesick. How would they handle themselves? thank you so much ><

Sorry I wrote a whole essay lmao. I assumed that the the reader and the merc are already together in this. Also sorry, I didn’t really know how to write lovesick mercs so this kinda just ended up being how their behaviors change once they become lovesick.

Scout:

Is always trying so, so hard to impress you. He always shows off when you’re around; if he’s on the battlefield, he’ll say “Hey toots, watch this!” And will show off his speed or his aim. He’ll always come back and be all, “Damn, it must be amazing having an awesome boyfriend.”

He’s always bringing you food. When he buys food, he’ll offer to share it with you. If you say no, he’ll just shrug and say “Your loss.” He never, ever shares his food with anyone other than who he’s interested in, so as silly as it sounds, sharing his food with you shows he loves you.

He can be a little clingy sometimes, but he tries to cover it up, especially around the other mercs. He always has to come greet you if you show up after being away for more than an hour, usually with an arm slung over your shoulders and sometimes a quick smooch.

He’s always flustered by you giving him affection. Even something like holding his hand or giving him a quick peck on the cheek makes him turn bright red. In private, he’s always trying to get affection from you, and he can’t live without it. He’s always trying to hug, spoon, or cuddle you, every chance he gets.

He becomes a little more protective of you. In public, he’s always ready to tell someone to go screw themselves if they get friendly with you. He won’t hesitate to punch anyone who touches you.

The reason he loves you so much is because you treat him correctly. All of his relationships in the past have been purely sexual, even if he did want a real relationship with the girl. He can’t believe he has someone who loves him and takes care of him and doesn’t demand sex or complain all of the time. Sometimes, he asks himself how he scored someone as amazing as you.

Soldier:

He becomes very protective of you, though he’s not at all restrictive. He allows you to go anywhere or do anything you want and fully trusts you, but he’ll always ask if you’d like him to come with you for protection if he isn’t already coming with you and offers you weapons to defend yourself with.

You’re one of the only people who are allowed to touch his raccoons, the others being Demo and Engie. He doesn’t trust most people with his raccoons believing they’ll try to take or eat his pets, but he completely trusts you with them. He’ll often ask if you’d like to hold or feed one. Surprisingly, the raccoons are completely docile around you and act like weird, mute dogs. The raccoons hate everyone else, including Soldier. Highkey cries when he sees how well his raccoons behave with you.

He trusts you to know that he was never actually in the military. When he tells you, you know he trusts you more than anyone on the planet and he’s at the point where he would absolutely take bullets for you without any hesitation.

You’re the only person who can get him to behave. Usually, he won’t listen to anyone except Ms. Pauling, and even for her, he won’t do anything he doesn’t like unless he absolutely has to. But for you, he’d do anything without hesitation. That doesn’t mean he won’t voice his opinions if he doesn’t like what you’re telling him to do.

The reason he loves you so much is that you accept his strange behaviors. Most people are rude to him and often make fun of him, even to his face. But you treat him normally, while accommodating his eccentricities. Even though he won’t say it, he appreciates that you respect his strange interests and behaviors and still love him.

Pyro:

Pyro wants to spend tons of time with you. They want to show you their newest crafts and creations and do all sorts of fun things together. It gets to the point that they can be a little clingy, but if you explain how you feel about it, they’ll quickly back off with no hard feelings.

You get lots of hugs, cuddles, and nuzzles. Pyro loves to receive and give physical affection, so it’s often how they show how much they love you. Quick hugs and nuzzles are often how Pyro greets you, often accompanied with tons of giggling. They also love to cuddle with you when the two of you have any free time.

Whenever Pyro makes any treats (they love baking and making candy), you’re always the first person who gets to taste it. The first few times they tasted horrendous, but after a little while Pyro got really good at making it. Scout always tries to get the first taste, but Pyro is always there to slap his hand away and scold him, even when he sneaks into the kitchen.

Pyro gives you tons and tons of gifts. They’re often drawings of you two together, and the aforementioned sweets. Though of course, due to their hallucinations, gifts sometimes are something freaky like an arm. But most of the time, they’re very sweet gifts accompanied with a quick hug or kiss if their mask is off.

The reason they love you so deeply is the same reason Soldier loves his S/O; because you treat Pyro as normal, while taking care of all of Pyro’s eccentricities and problems. You don’t treat Pyro like they’re just a scary maniac, you treat them like a person. But, you also don’t discourage Pyro’s stranger behaviors. You just accept them just how they are and they deeply appreciate that.

Demo:

He’s a very physically affectionate man, so hugs and kisses are a regular thing, especially as a greeting, but he’s never clingy or physically demanding. He loves to kiss your cheeks or temples or put a arm around your waist, but most of the time he just holds your hand. If he’s been away from you for more than a day, he always excitedly greets you by wrapping you in a bear hug and giving you a big kiss.

He looooooves going to new places or adventuring with you. He’d love to take you back to Scotland and show you his favorite places and some national events, but he’d equally love to go to where you’re from, even if the place you’re from is near or in Scotland. If your culture means a lot to you, he’d love for you to tell him about it, and he could listen to you for hours. He’s mentally taking notes of your favorite parts of the culture, such as events or food, so he can do something for you.

You discover that he’s actually a very supportive person and an excellent listener. If you ever need to rant about something making you upset, he’ll pull you onto his lap and ask you to tell him about it. He’s actually pretty good at giving you advice.

The reason you mean so much to him is because you’re his rock. He’s a man who’s always had to deal with his demons by himself. However, he was too weak to fight them, which is why he turned to alcohol. But you supported him, spoke to him about his problems, and encouraged him. You were able to make him feel better about his mistakes and his appearance. You’re even the reason he cuts back on drinking (he doesn’t stop, but he’s no longer drunk 100% of the time). The fact that you care about his emotions and well-being when no one else did always gets him a little emotional.

Heavy:

Even though he obviously doesn’t see you as a sibling, he can’t help but activate his protective big bro instinct. He always discourages you from doing anything risky or dangerous, and will focus a lot more on protecting you, especially if you’re a fellow merc. He prefers for you at least to be in the same room as him so he can watch over you. But he still respects your independence and doesn’t tell you not to go somewhere unless he’s 100% convinced there’s a real danger.

Every once in a while, he likes to make food from his homeland/childhood, though he shares it with nobody, not even Medic unless he’s in a really good mood. But he always asks you to taste his latest meal. It’s not often you see him so happy, but he loves sharing something that means so much to him with you. He’s beaming if you completely clear your plate or bowl.

You are the only other person allowed to touch his guns. You were actually surprised by this. You aren’t allowed to USE his guns, but he doesn’t have a problem with you touching them. He makes sure to watch carefully when you do, though, so you don’t damage it accidentally.

He loves you so much because of the emotional intimacy and trust you share. Trust is something he values deeply, and he doesn’t give his trust easily. But you were kind and honest and obviously trusted him, so he began to trust you. Once you two started dating, he opened up more about all the horrible things he’s been through, and instead of being disgusted by his actions, you said you were sorry he’s suffered so much. The fact that the world, which he always knew was cold and unforgiving, had produced someone so forgiving and kind like you, always has and always will baffle him.

Engie:

He loves to take you on cute domestic dates. This was already the case when you two were still only dating, but he amped it up once he really fell in love. He’ll spend more time away from the lab so he can spend more time with you. He loves little dates like cuddling up with a movie, making dinner together, or going into a nicer town for a walk in the park. He especially loves to bring you little gifts for a date, which usually is something sweet, cute, and simple like a bouquet, even if you’re super masculine.

You’re the only person other than Medic that he trusts around his sentries or his lab. Of course, he doesn’t allow you to work on them, even if you’re also an engineer, as he doesn’t want the sentry to be damaged or you to get hurt. But if you promise to be careful, you’ll be allowed in while he’s there with you.

When you two were only dating, he had a couple little nicknames for you, like Sweetheart. But now he lays on as many as he can think of, and of course they all sound amazing in his cute accent. He loves to use nicknames like Sugar, Honeybee, Darlin’, Baby, and Cutie/Handsome/Gorgeous, and that’s only a fraction of the nicknames he uses for you. He doesn’t hesitate to use them in front of others, too.

Engie doesn’t love you for any particularly deep or significant reason; he just loves your personality, your mannerisms, and your beliefs. He’s a man who lives for the domestic part of a relationship, so he tends to feel hopelessly in love when you two spend time together like he’s a normal man, not a full-time mercenary. He just loves having you in his life, and with the life he lives he’s honestly surprised he was able to find himself with someone like you, even if you’re a fellow merc.

Medic:

He surprises you with how much he cares about you and your feelings. To everyone else, he’s a very selfish person who only cares about himself and his experiments. And while he was a little more considerate of you when you were only dating, you still acknowledged this in your mind. But after he fell in love, he’s always asking you how you are and cares deeply about how you are feeling, physically and mentally. It honestly really surprised you.

You are the only other person on the whole planet who is allowed to pet Archimedes; he deems you worthy and competent enough. He loves showing his birds to you and having you help him care for them, though he does get a little jealous if his birds steal your attention away from him.

Medic is an attention-seeking baby and loves when you spend time with him or do things with him, but he usually isn’t very demanding unless he’s really stressed and needs comfort. He likes to pull you away to talk to you or ask you to relax with him, and he tends to pout if you say you can’t.

Medic loves you so much because you embrace his eccentricities. He loves that he can do whatever he wants and you don’t care as long as he’s not putting himself in danger (though he sometimes does intentionally, as he loves to be fussed over/given attention). You encourage him and appreciate his enthusiasm, even if you’re grossed out by his unique occupation. But he really loves that you love him despite how weird he can be. He can sit with you and tell you about his latest experiment or talk with Archimedes and you’ll just watch or listen like he’s completely normal. He loves not being treated like he’s nuts or creepy.

Sniper:

He starts to really open up about the impact all of the bad events in his life has put on him. He’ll ask if you’re comfortable with him sharing about it, and if you say yes, he’ll sit you down and tell you about everything he’s been through. A lot of bottled up emotion comes out and he needs a lot of hugging, cuddling, kind words, and kisses. Once he opens up about this, you know that this man would trust you with his life without question.

He becomes a little needy when it comes to physical affection. It doesn’t show in public, so it’s not annoying, but has to be touching you most of the time when you’re alone with him. He loves hugging you from behind and burying his face in your neck, or pulling you onto his lap to press a deep kiss to your lips, but he also lives for all of the smaller touches, like handholding or pecks on the cheek. He’s always been touch-starved, so having you to cuddle close to whenever he needs touch is amazing for him. You’re like a security blanket for him sometimes.

He’ll want to take you out to explore with him. He already did when you two were just dating, but now he wants to show you the places he really loves or mean a lot to him, like places his parents took him. He’ll spend a little while telling you about the things he did with his parents, but he spends most of the time trying to create new memories with you.

Sniper cares so deeply about you because you treat him with kindness. This man has had such a harsh, pain-filled life that he was certain he’d never by truly happy. Just like Heavy, he thought the world was cruel and cold, so he was surprised to find a person who so genuinely cared about him and wanted to make him happy. He’s so grateful to have someone so good in his life, and he’d do anything for you.

Spy:

He starts to like your more personal, domestic moments together. When you two were only dating, he preferred extravagant and expensive dates, as he was trying to impress you. But he started to realize he loved when you’d just spend time together like a normal couple, like cuddling up with a movie or making food together. It allowed him to relax and focus more on sharing an intimate moment with you rather than impressing you. It let him be more himself rather than the fake personality he’s created, and it makes him realize how exhausted he is with acting this way. Any moment when he can chill, be himself, and spend time with you is always his favorite moment of the day.

As weird as it sounds, his compliments change. At first his compliments are exactly what you’d expect from a Casanova like him. Very smooth but expected compliments about how lovely you look, often accompanied with a kiss on the hand. But once he’s truly in love with you, his compliments are much more heartfelt. He compliments all the things he truly loves about you, like maybe the colors of your eyes or the feeling of your hair. They always come with a warm smile rather than a confident smirk, and often a kiss on the cheek or forehead too. He always looks at you like you’re the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.

It takes a lot to get Spy to be head over heels. But, it can be done if he begins to trust you and you show him you completely trust him with personal stuff like your origin or your feelings. It’s that mutual trust (or at least the beginning of it) that makes him fall in love with you, and actually completely and fully trust you. After that, he’d be willing to give up his identity, his reputation, or even his life for you.

[jungshookz]

omg mean mr. park trying so hard not to give ballet!y/n special treatment that he goes too hard in the other direction and makes her cry!!!! and he’s like well i can’t fix it here in front of all these people what do i do what do i do

➺ pairing; park jimin x reader

➺ genre; balletteacher!jiminiverse!!! except uhhhhhh jimin’s a little scary in this one not going to lie <3 

➺ wordcount: 3.6k

➺ what to expect; “and take those goddamn leg warmers off.”

➺ optional readings: one; two; three; four

➺ note; this has been one of the hoTTest requests for a long time which doesn’t make any sense to me because whenever i get asked to write about this specific scenario i’m like?? you?? you WANT me to make y/n cry???? also i hope u don’t mind but i changed ur original request just a teensy bit because i didn’t want y/n to have to cry in front of everyone again otherwise she’s just going to be known as the class cry-baby and we should at least give her a tiny crumb of dignity 

                                      »»————-　♡　————-««

jimin… is getting soft.

which isn’t super great because he feels like his reputation as scary strict ballet instructor is going to go down the drain and disappear forever if he keeps going on like this

it’s not like he can help himself when his girlfriend is one of his students

(which… is still a secret, by the way. the two of you are surprisingly very good at keeping things somewhat professional. teamwork makes the dream work, right?)

the other day in class he literally had to pinch his arm to remind himself to stOP looking at you so fondly

he caught himself in the mirror with this dumb little smile on his face and his eyes all bright and twinkly as he watched you dance

and it certainly didn’t help that you smiled back at him before wiggling your brows knowingly

he can’t do things like that!

he has to be more careful!!

he has to toughen up!

he has to take a stand!

he’s going to have to pull out the big guns to prove to everyone that no, i don’t have any favourites, and no, i’m certainly not romantically attracted and in a very real relationship with one of you, not at all!

it just feels like no one really takes him seriously anymore??

especially after he gave all of you guys individual roses on valentine’s day

sometimes he thinks that maybe that was a little extra of him but he did genuinely feel bad about keeping you guys here when you could’ve been out spending the night with your significant others

anyways

his point is

he thinks that everyone is starting to fear him less and less with every passing day and he just can’t have that

and it doesn’t help that yoU very openly don’t take him that seriously in class because then everyone sees that as their opportunity to not take him seriously as well

it’s like suddenly you’ve labeled yourself as the ringleader of this circus and now he’s just one of your clowns

that’s not the way things should be!!!

hE’S the ringleader of this stupid ballet circus!!!!

the other week when he announced that your guys’ break would be over in approximately thirty seconds, you just turned around to look at him with big, pleading eyes and: “can’t we have five extra minutes of break time, mr. park? please?” and obviously he couldn’t say no to that because of your dumb stupid pretty googly eyes

and he thought that that would be the worst of it but nO

he was very wrong

because it got worse

people are starting to show up in sweatpants and hoodies instead of leotards and chiffon skirts and if there’s anything he hates the moSt on this planet, it’s people who don’t dress for the part

he hated watching all of you prancing around the room wearing grubby HOODIES

disgusting!!!

you can wear whatever you want outside of class, but he likes to think that he’s made it relatively clear that once you are in the confines of his classroom, the standards are higher than the heavens above

so, yes

he’s decided that today is going to be the day he grabs the reins and takes control once more

today’s break will be ten minutes and ten minutes only - with no extensions!

if he has to yell at someone today for messing up a move, you bet your ass he’s going to do just that - show no mercy!

he’s mr. park!

he’s in charge!

“i’m in charge.” jimin mutters to himself as he stands outside the classroom door

he nods firmly to himself before pushing the door open

“alright, ladies! let’s get ready to do some warm up exercises…” jimin announces loudly as soon as he steps into the classroom, a couple of the girls rushing to get up from the ground (it’s nice to see that some of you are still scared of him)

he pushes his sunglasses up to the top of his head when he notices that you’re continuing to gab away in the corner with lisa and the others

“uh, hello?” he clears his throat and you turn to look over your shoulder

“oh! hold up, mr. park, i’m almost done telling my story. so as i was saying-“ you turn back to the girls and jimin frowns

see?

this is exactly what he was talking about

when he used to walk into the classroom everyone would immediately get into neat rows of four

and now?

there are five girls who are lined up

five girls out of TWENTY

jimin pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek as he approaches you slowly, “miss y/l/n, i mean it.“ he warns, his grip tightening around his iced coffee, “finish your conversation now, please.”

he raises a brow when you flat out ignore him and he notices lisa reaching over to smack your kneecap before subtly gesturing upwards to him

he doesn’t know if you’re doing it on purpose but you’re really starting to push it

your shoulders drop as you let out a sigh and you turn around to look at him

“well?”

you frown and your lips twist  

“yeah, whatever- just gimme one more second, okay?“ you dismiss him with a flick of your wrist anD a roll of your eyes and his jaw drops in surprise

wha-

did you just-

did you-

did you just… flick your wrist at him?

and roll your eyes?

…

who exactly do you think you are?

jimin turns on his heel to go over to the cabinets that he usually puts his bag and his jacket in

he shakes his head and chuckles darkly to himself as the image of you flicking your wrist and rolling your eyes at him plays over and over again in his mind

are you serious?

did you actually do that to him?

in front of everyone?

wow

you really grew a pair since your ‘i’m 100% attracted to park jimin and i would love to sit on his face’ days, no?

what, you think that just because he’s your boyfriend that you get to get away with stunts like that?

how dare you!

outside of the classroom, yes, he’s your boyfriend, and yes, you can flick your wrist and roll your eyes at him all you want

but inside of the classroom?

jimin’s grip tightens around the edge of the cabinet door

absolutely fucking not.

the cabinet doors slam shut with a loud bang! and a couple of girls let out yelps of surprise at the sudden noise, “everyone get in line right now!”

your neck nearly snaps off from how quickly you turn to look and your eyes widen when you suddenly see everyone scrambling to get off the ground and to get in line

seriously??

you were almost done with your story :-//

you frown to yourself before getting up off the ground (and taking your time in doing so, because your knees are a little creaky this morning)

((you chose to snack on some crackers and dip instead of stretching before class because as far as you’re concerned, snacking is way more fun than stretching))

“y/n, let’s go-!“ lisa hisses and grabs your arm before dragging you up towards the front where you guys usually stand

“oh, would you relax?” you snort as you make your way to the front before moving into first position

you turn your head to let out a quiet yawn before turning back to face the front to see jimin looking directly at you

“am i boring you this afternoon, miss y/l/n?” he crosses his arms and you shrug sloppily in response  

jimin tilts his head, “can you use your words like a normal human being, please?”

you let out a sigh and resist the urge to roll your eyes at him again

he’s so uptight today!!

he was fine this morning before you left to go to class

what’s his problem??

“no, sir.” you raise a brow, “you’re not boring me. are you going to spend the rest of the class asking me questions or are we actually going to learn something today?”

in your peripheral vision you see lisa’s eyelids flutter shut and her head lower a little bit

what?

that was a genuine question!

it was supposed to be a joke???

tough crowd today lol

everyone can practically feel the tension in the air when jimin doesn’t immediately respond and instead glares at you with nothing but pure rage behind his brown eyes

“would you like to say that again, miss y/l/n?”

“oh, would you look at that? another question for me.” you chuckle lightly and look around at your peers to see if anyone else is cracking a smile

but everyone’s looking at you with wide eyes filled with what you can only make out to be complete and utter… is that fear?

even seulgi shakes her head no when the two of you lock gazes

???

what is going on today???

you turn back around and jump in surprise when you realize that jimin is now standing directly in front of you

and for the first time in a long time, you’re starting to feel a little nervous

you shift uncomfortably in your position and make an effort to stand up a little straighter

maybe you should-

“get out of my classroom.” jimin speaks lowly and your eyes widen in surprise

…

what?

“i-i’m sorry, sir?” you stammer before shaking your head, “i don’t unders-“

“get the hell out of my classroom, miss y/l/n!” he snaps before taking a step back and tilting his head at you, “and take those goddamn leg warmers off. do you think anyone at the academy is going to take you seriously if you show up to an audition with bright blue, fuzzy leg warmers with sheep all over them?”

oh god

okay

he’s not kidding

this isn’t funny anymore

“n-no sir, of course not-!” you shake your head quickly before bending down to yank your leg warmers off, “i-i’m not- i would never show up to an audition wearing these-”

you stumble over a little as you struggle to pull them off and lisa quickly reaches out to help you stay balanced

“can’t even keep yourself up on one foot without falling over, huh?” jimin scoffs before crossing his arms, “what, did you just sit on your ass for the entirety of quarantine?”

“of course not, mr. park.” you swallow thickly and shake your head again as you get back up onto your feet, tossing the leg warmers to the side, “i’m so sorry, sir.”

and just when you think you’re in the clear-

“don’t be sorry, just be ready.” jimin snaps and you feel your entire face flush bright red, “now get out. miss kang, can you move up to the front please?”

you’re not even bothered by the fact that you’ve just been replaced by seulgi

you’re more bothered by the fact that he just used his phrase on you

don’t be sorry

just be ready

don’t be sorry, just be ready  

that’s his phrase and he’s never once used it on you in the entire time that he’s taught you

he only uses that phrase when someone messes up really bad

and one thing you can say for sure is you very rarely mess up in class

he only uses that phrase when he’s angry!!!

“by the way, let this be an example to the rest of you, hm?” jimin paces up and down the front of the classroom slowly, everyone standing up as straight as pins as they look ahead, “every single one of you has been slacking immensely as of late and i won’t have it. the next person who shows up to my class wearing sweatpants and a dirty hoodie - well, i’m sure you’ll be comfortable out in the hallway. or maybe you’ll be comfortable not coming back to my class ever again.”

you lean over a little to peek over at jimin but quickly get back in line when he turns around

“miss y/l/n, i think i asked you to leave, did i not? i’m not going to ask you again.”

you jump when you feel seulgi tap on your shoulder from behind and she smirks at you in the mirror

“y-yes, mr. park.” your voice gives out halfway through and you turn on your heel to manoeuvre your way through the other girls to get to the door

“now that that’s been taken care of, this is what we’re going to do today…”

you shut the door behind you quietly

to say the least, that was…

humiliating!

sure, jimin’s always been a little (very) strict, but that was just plain mean

he yelled at you AND he kicked you out!

and you don’t think he’s ever been so harsh with any of the other girls before

you’ve seen him yell at the other girls but this felt more like a personal attack instead of criticism on dancing like it usually is  

and you always thought he liked your leg-warmers

:-(

…

uh-oh

it doesn’t take very long for your nose to prickle and your eyes to start welling up with tears

you sit down on the bench and your chin starts to tremble as you think about what just happened  

oh no

and now you’re going to cry?!

oh god

okay

no

no!

you can’t cry right now!

what if he comes out??

and sees you crying??

you cannOT cry in front of mr. park right now

the last time you cried in front of him was when you twisted your ankle but at least you had an excuse to cry because you were in physical pAIN

emotional pain is not the same as physical pain and therefore cannot be used as a legitimate excuse to start blubbering

you are not a cry-baby!!

your nose scrunches as you try your best not to let out a whimper and you blink quickly in an effort to make the tears go away but one single tear ends up rolling down your cheek

you reach up to swipe the back of your hand against your chin before putting your arms back down  

what are you supposed to do now?

you sniffle before leaning your head against the wall and crossing your arms

whatever

if you have to stay out here for the rest of class, you’re just going to take a nap and try noT to think about mean mr. park

                                                              ♡

“y/n… you feel someone shaking you gently and you shoot up from where you’re leaning against the wall

“wh- what-“ your voice is a little raspy from your sad-nap, “i wasn’t asleep-!”  

you relax a little when you see that it’s just lisa

you take a quick glance around to see that everyone’s packing their bags, so it’s safe to assume that class is done for the day

“mr. park wants to talk to you.” lisa whispers and glances back towards the classroom door, “by the way- you were a real idiot in there, you know that?”

“oh, god.” you reach up to pinch the bridge of your nose, “i know, i know! i don’t- i mean, i didn’t think he was going to kick me out-“

“hey, y/n! smooth move today-“ you’re cut off when suddenly seulgi pops up behind lisa and you can’t help but frown at how pleased she looks with these conditions, “thanks for handing your status as favourite student over to me on a silver platter!”

“can it, seulgi.” lisa scowls before shoving her gently

“the view was super great from the front.” she whistles, “mr. park is a lot hotter up close.”

you’ve never considered yourself to be a violent person, but…

you would give an arm and a leg just to strangle seulgi for a good five minutes <3  

lisa rolls her eyes and turns back to look at you, “good luck in there though, for real. you… you were real ballsy today.”

yikes

it takes you approximately one minute to muster up the courage to knock on the classroom door

you press your lips together tightly as your fist hovers over the surface of the door

just knock!

it’s not hard

just move your hand

you squeeze your eyes shut before tapping your knuckles against the door in three short beats

“come in.”

you swallow your nerves before pushing the handle down and opening the door slowly with a creak

okay

it’s fine!

you’re fine

class is over, which means mean mr. park is gone and nice boyfriend jimin is here, right?

…right??

you cautiously poke your head into the room

jimin’s busy packing up as well but his back is facing you which makes you feel a little better because if you’d opened the door and he was standing there staring directly at you, you probably would’ve immediately burst into tears

your poor sheep leg warmers are crumpled pathetically in the same spot where you tossed them

maybe you should just grab your leg warmers and run for the hills

“you… wanted to… see me?” you clear your throat and freeze when jimin turns his head to look over his shoulder

“yes, i did. shut the door and come here.”

okay, well

there goes your chance to run for the hills

you’re basically traPPEd in here now

you hesitantly shut the door behind you and you feel your heart starting to beat a little harder in your chest as you make your way over to the middle of the room

you keep your gaze downwards as jimin stands in front of you and you clasp your hands in front of you, twiddling your thumbs nervously

a moment of silence ticks by and you want nothing more than for the ground to cave and just swallow you up entirely

“you know why i had to do that, right?”

“because we’re… da…ting?” you offer weekly before lifting your head up to look at him

jimin scoffs before shaking his head, “no. you blatantly disrespected me in front of your peers, that’s why i kicked you out. your attitude today was completely unacceptable. completely.”

oop

okay

it appears that your theory about mean mr. park disappearing as soon as class ended was incorrect

to be fair… he is right

you have to admit that maybe you let the fact that you guys are dating cloud your judgement a little

obviously he’s not going to show you special treatment in class just because of that

you feel your insides twist when the realization sinks in that you were… kind of an asshole today

and you pride yourself on being a good student!

you immediately drop your head once more as your cheeks flush in shame, “yes, mr. park. i’m… i’m sorry for my poor behaviour today, sir. i disrespected you in your classroom and it won’t happen again.”

“it better not.” jimin nods, “apology accepted, miss y/l/n.”

you chew on the inside of your cheek anxiously

you’re not… too sure what you’re supposed to say now

you hear jimin let out a sigh before he speaks up again, “i’m… your boyfriend, which i know makes things a little confusing, but… you can’t act like that when we’re in class, y/n.” he hooks a finger under your chin before tilting your head up, “just because we’re dating doesn’t give you an excuse to act like a prick, baby.”

“i know. i’m sorry.” you respond meekly and nod in understanding

jimin’s eyes soften when he notices you starting to get teary-eyed

!!!!

now he’s starting to feel bad!!!

he’ll admit that maybe he was a little harsher than usual and it was probably a little more than embarrassing being called out like that in front of your peers, but he had to what he had to do!

you flicked your wrist at him!

and rolled your eyes!

double whammy!

“y/n…”

“i thought you liked my leg warmers.” you whimper quietly and jimin snorts in response

that’s what you’re getting upset about??

your leg warmers??

“why are you- why are you laughing??” you whine when he begins to giggle softly and you reach up to wipe at your falling tears (though now you can’t tell if they’re tears of sadness anymore because the sound of jimin’s giggling never fails to put you in a better mood), “you were the ones who chose these dumb sheep ones for me to wear today so h-how am i supposed to feel when you-“

“oh my god, you moron-” jimin immediately tugs you in for a hug and props his chin up on the top of your head, “i do like your leg warmers! they’re really cute!”

“that’s not how it seemed-” you sniffle as you bury your face into the crook of his neck and wrap your arms around him

“it was the only way i knew to show you that i was being serious!”

“you know how i feel about my leg warmers-!” you pull away with a pout and jimin quickly leans down to plant his lips against yours (mainly to shut you up about your leg warmers, but also to make u feel a little better)

he gives you a couple of sweet pecks before reaching up to cup your cheeks in his hands, “will pizza for dinner tonight make you forgive me for insulting your precious leg warmers, silly girl?” jimin hums as he wipes your tears away with his thumbs before leaning down to nudge his nose against yours affectionately

“…throw in some dessert and i’ll think about it.”

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

requested drabbles masterlist

[justasparkwritings]

Peace: Coming of Age

Pairing: Jungkook X Reader

Genre: Angst / Slice of Life

Rating: PG15

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: Swearing 

Summary: Jungkook takes his first steps in creating a life for himself. 

Listening: peace by Taylor Swift 

Peace Master List

         Jungkook paced the room, the grey walls agitating him as he searched for answers. He’d filmed the video five times. Three with a hoodie on, two without. He kept refilming to perfect his vocals, or at least that’s what he told himself. Perfectionism was easier to grapple with than baring his soul to millions. Was he ready to show the world what he’d done?

           Jungkook had spent the last third of his life in the spotlight. The articles, photos, videos, all captured him growing up. He went from a fresh-faced tween barely through puberty to a full-fledged man. He had grown in front of their eyes, finished high school, and debuted with a band that had captured the world’s attention. He had been taken under the wings of Jin and his five other hyungs. They had watched him struggle, both academically and professionally. They had guided him through the drastic changes in his life, from leaving his family to relentless dance practices and endless vocal lessons. They guided him when he was falling apart, and through their love he had grown into the man he could happily say he is. He’d taken little parts of their personalities and combined them into his own. It was hard to tell when JK ended and the six hyungs began.

            Jungkook hadn’t told the rest of BTS of his plans, of what he wanted to do in order to feel that he had completed his metamorphosis. He was cagey, dodging glances and prying questions. He was private, but there wasn’t anything he couldn’t tell them. Except this. It wasn’t until they had snuck up on him one day and caught him reading an article about the significance of tattoos in western culture that they grew concerned that he would taint his flawless skin.

           Hoseok sat him down first, tone damning, asking him what he intended to do, and why would he choose to ruin his body? Through the years Jungkook had become accustomed to Ho-Seok’s aversion to anything that would harm or change his physical form. Dying his hair was the closest thing he would do, and even that felt like he was desecrating a sacred temple. He didn’t pierce his ears, he certainly would not get tattoos, and though he had an unusually sunny disposition, body modification of any kind made Ho-Seok’s skin crawl. He respected his members decisions to pierce their ears, two, three, five times, but him? No thank you. He had thought that tattoos were always going to be off limits, even when years prior Jungkook had expressed his desire, on camera, to stain his skin. No member had committed to something so permanent. Piercings close, hair can be dyed back, but this?

          Hoseok couldn’t tell if he was mad at JK for recklessly ruining himself, or worried that his decision would endanger the rest of them.

           So, he pled his case, and a day or so later, Namjoon tried to talk any sense into JK. He knew it was no use, but as leader he was mandated to speak to him.

           “Why do you want to do this?” Namjoon asked. They were seated outside, beers in both their hands.

           “Do you feel like yourself, 100% of the time?” Jungkook countered, glancing at the fading sun.

           “90% of the time, yes, I do.” Namjoon responded.

           “And you feel comfortable in who you are?”

           “Why are you interrogating me?” Namjoon stared at his golden maknae. He had raised this boy, crafted and melded him into the man sitting in front of him. Had it been too much?  

           “You write most of our lyrics, you express your emotions.”

           “Yes, and I understand how you’re feeling,”

           “Do you? I am me trying to navigate this life that I somehow signed up for when I was a child. I have had to conform every day of my life. I have struggled to find my identity, to showcase who I am, without ever having the time to grow or discover myself. Now I’m a man, who doesn’t know any life outside of constant cameras and the six of you guarding me. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours, but what if there’s nothing of me? What if they’ve taken it all?”  

           “You signed up for this Jungkook,” Namjoon felt defensive. His moves, silent and unseen, had pushed Jungkook to this position. His invisible strings had carved him from a child to an adult, his guidance had constructed the golden boy. Namjoon had nurtured Jungkook to be strong in his convictions and fierce at heart. He encouraged his hobbies, to obsession at times, and pared space for him to study and learn, encouraging him to speak English. Didn’t Jungkook know himself better than any members did?

           “The devils in the details, Namjoon,” He countered.

           “So, what, to feel like yourself you need to permanently decorate your skin?” Namjoon felt the anger rising. Big Hit would surely blame him for this.  

           “It’s a part of me, a part of me that I am trying to hold onto. I don’t want to hide part of myself because I’m being told I’m supposed to. I want to be me, I want to make choices for myself,” Jungkook’s passion was evident in the grip he had placed on his glass.

           “And what if that part of you changes?” Namjoon wanted to know.

           “Are you still the same person you were when we started?” Jungkook asked.

           “No, I’ve grown, and I’ve learned a lot,” Namjoon sat back and thought about the challenges he’d overcome in the time BTS had been together.

           “Then give me the space to do the same, hyung, please,” Jungkook pleaded.

           Namjoon nodded, recognizing that molding Jungkook into the perfect band member had done more damage than he realized, the cracks were beginning to form. When Jungkook had joined, RM and Seokjin had been placed as his guardians. They were to protect him, keep him focused, help him grow. He was a child, a baby, compared to the older two. His insecurity and shyness had tried to swallow him, and would’ve if not for the doting care the members had given him. Namjoon had, in a word, overstepped. His grip on Jungkook’s life was impenetrable to the point that sometimes it was hard to know where Namjoon ended and Jungkook began. He wasn’t raising Jungkook, he was manipulating him. The devil had always been in the details, at the hands of Big Hit, that devil was Namjoon.

           “Jin’s supposed to try and knock some sense into you…” Namjoon said, standing.

           “What’s he going to say that you and Hosoek-hyung haven’t?” Jungkook asked.

           “I don’t know, but listen to him,” Namjoon reminded the maknae to respect his elder, something he had thrown away when speaking with Joon.

           Namjoon left, leaving JK to sit in his thoughts. He didn’t know when Jin was planning on showing up, and he wasn’t sure he could handle another confrontation and berating. Jungkook was lost in his thoughts, his glass slowly emptying when Jin strode in, keys in hand.

           “Let’s go eat,” He said. Jungkook nodded, following him.

           As they sat at their usual table, drinks on their way, Jin wasted no time diving in.

           “They’ve all been hard on you?” Seokjin asked.

           “Yes,” Jungkook responded.

           “Well, what do you want me to say?” Jin questioned.

           “That you support me,” Jungkook’s gaze never strayed from the empty spot in front of his glass.

           “What does management say?” Jin asked, ignoring Jungkook’s suggestion.

           “That they can’t technically stop me, but I’ll always be covered. No t-shirts on tour, music videos, anything. If everyone’s in a tank top, I have to be in a tank top with a jacket or long sleeves.”

           “Even in summer?” Jin questioned.

           “Even then,” Jungkook answered.

           “And you’re okay with that?” Jin wondered.

           “Yes,”

           “Alright, have you thought about ARMY?”

           “I can’t imagine they’d be mad at me,” Jungkook said, glancing at Jin. Jin was calm. Jin was always calm, particularly when it came to heady conversations about the direction Jungkook was taking.

           “Okay, if you’re sure,” Jin left it at that. He quickly moved to ask Jungkook what he wanted to order, their usual banter resuming.

           Jungkook sat in the tattoo artists main chair, arm exposed, hand at the ready. The artist asked if he was without a doubt positive he wanted ink decorating his dominate appendage, and he nodded, telling them that each item stood for something. As the artist began, he recounted why.

           “The inverted V is for Taehyung, that’s his nickname. He’s funny, and charismatic. The most indecisive person. He is one of the best dancers, and just makes me laugh all the time. He comforts me when I’m upset and is always making sure that I’m okay. RM is for Namjoon, he’s the eternal leader. He’s wise and thinks before he acts. But he’s clumsy. He always pushes me to think deeper, to find the emotion that a song needs, or to remind me to slow down when I’m pushing myself too hard. RM’s our guiding light. M is also for Yoongi, who understands the parts of me that I sometimes think no one does, but he also doesn’t understand the fundamental parts of me… The Y completes ARMY, I am nothing without them.”

           The phrase had become common place, BTS is nothing without ARMY. They eat, sleep and breathe ARMY. Who are they if ARMY doesn’t stand beside them, encouraging them on?

           ARMY was the reason for his success, but they were also the thorn on his rose. Army watched every move he made, every note he hit, every smile cracked. They’d glommed onto him immediately. Isn’t Jungkook so cute? Did you see how Jungkook dances to Boy in Luv? Have you seen his smile? They cheered when he succeeded and picked him up when he fell. As much as the members had raised JK, he recognized that ARMY was the reason he had to be raised by his hyungs in the first place.

           Being raised by people other than your parents is an odd experience. Leaving home and forging a new path without so much as a safety net below would be scary to anyone, but particularly for a child who hadn’t experienced much outside of his home. Jungkook had talent, anyone could see it. He had potential, because he had potential, Big Hit had taken a chance on him. They had molded him and groomed him into a superstar. So much so that by age 23, a song dedicated to him negotiating his stardom with quality of life would become a sexual anthem. Big Hit’s ownership of his existence had sent him into many a tailspin. He compensated the only way he could: working himself to extreme exhaustion and spending nights drunk in the dorms. The other members addressed it delicately, but when his back was turned, they spent countless hours discussing the “problem with Jungkook”.

          Perfectionism is often a sign of OCD, a way to control what feels uncontrollable, a way to manage anxiety and stress through precise and repetitive habits. If practice was four hours, Jungkook danced eight. If it took Jimin ten takes to nail an eight count of vocals, Jungkook took twice that. He practiced diligently, sweating through layers and layers, never satisfied until his body gave out. He worked out seven days a week, often hours long sessions not including time with trainers. He was obsessed with his physic and how he could make it stronger. BTS often worried and tried delicately to address their concerns. Jungkook wouldn’t listen, until he blew his heel out an needed stitches. What was meant to be a wake up call ended up giving him more focus and increasing his desire to be perfect.

          “Perfect for who?” Suga had asked during an intense discussion of Jungkook’s workaholic tendencies. Jungkook stared at him, Suga, who hates working out, hates other people, and would be content to sleep for days on end, was asking him a stupid question. He turned to Ho-Seok, who nodded.

          “Perfect for ARMY, perfect for him,” Ho-Seok had responded.

          Hoseok and Jimin both nodded. The three of them formed the dance line, the strongest dancers with Taehyung closing in at #4. Together they banked hundreds of practice hours, innumerable tapings and work ups by the medical team, and were responsible for BTS’ dance routines coming together. They bore the brunt of the work, and their bodies, though young, managed the wear and tear. Ho-Seok worked hard, but Jungkook worked harder.

          Namjoon listened to every conversation about Jungkook with ears peeled, writing down any information he needed. If there was a problem with Jungkook, it would soon fall to Namjoon to correct, though his perfectionism had been a drug Namjoon had heavily pushed.

          “What’s the J for?” The tattoo artist asked, pulling Jungkook out of his thoughts.

          “That’s for Jin, Jimin and J-Hope,” He responded, looking down at the work being done on his body.

          “They’re your elders?”

          “Yes, Namjoon and Seokjin raised me. They’re all my brothers, but Namjoon and Jin helped me study, they encouraged me, bought me food and made sure I was spending enough time on studies and training. Jin drove me everywhere before I could drive myself, and he spent years teaching me how to be a good person, and a good man. Jimin’s a terror, and Ho-Seok is the only one who understands my drive.”

          “The plus signs tie you together?”

          “Yes,”

          “The heart? And the symbol?”

          “ARMY will know.”

           Jungkook had waited a few days before displaying his ink to BTS. They were skeptical and unsure how they liked what he had done to his right arm. They were honored he had chosen his hand to honor them and concerned what it meant for him going forward.

           Jungkook wasn’t ready for the world to see, and neither was management. He spent the first few months with band aids on his hand until his ink was healed, then layers and layers of make-up.

           As he paced in the gray room, a cover of Never Not waiting to upload, he decided to honor himself, to honor his heart, and post the video where his tattoos were exposed. Management had said he could share them when he was ready, and it would be at that point that they stopped covering them in make-up, except in specific situations where his ink would be a detriment to the group. He took a deep breath, like his ink, this choice was permanent.

           Once the dust of his ink settled, through a few poor choices and copious empty liquor bottles, he found himself out in Echo Park. A stranger had commented on his ink, and Jungkook’s mind wound back to the conversation he’d had with the tattoo artist about them. His tattoos meant something to him, and their meaning intensified every day.

          This is why, on a chance encounter in a low-light restaurant in Echo Park, Jungkook had been so taken with yours. The delicate ink on the back of your arm, the art creeping up your calf sent a shock through him. Who were you, and what did these symbols mean? He cautiously went up to you at the bar, nodding at the bartender who asked for his ID immediately. He flushed. Should he abandon ship?

           You turned and smiled. It was blinding.

           “Hi, I noticed your tattoos,” He said, thankful he had spent the past few years working on his English.

           “Oh,” You were unsure how to respond.

           “They’re really beautiful,” He said, his cheeks flushing again. Having spent his youth in Big Hits control, flirting wasn’t a game he knew how to play.

           “Thank you,” You responded, your cheeks turning rosy.

           “Can I buy you a drink?” He asked, right eyebrow raising. You smiled at the quirk.

           “Yes, and you can tell me about yours,” You said, already making sense of the ink in front of you, and the man it belonged to.

           “I’m Jungkook,” He said, extending the same hand you had been admiring.

           “I’m Y/N,” You said, extending yours to shake.

           Jungkook swore the earth began to quake at that very second, your skin meeting his for the first time, your smiles blinding the patrons of the restaurant. Everything melted away as the heat from your bodies glued you together. It was in the moment after, when you had unwillingly returned his hand to him that he realized his coming of age had come and gone, he had transitioned into a man, ink and all.

Next: Wasting Your Honor

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

I just read your fluffy headcannons with Toye and they are p e r f e c t. Made me realise how much I needed this and I was hoping if you could do one with Ron Speirs. 😔✊

anon, im incredibly happy that you think my Toye hcs were perfect- i also totally get you, anon. we all need some soft speirs hcs in our lives and i will do exactly that! 😩👌💞💕

btw im incredibly sorry that i took so long to write these hcs but hopefully you enjoy them!

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes​, @hihosilvers​, @rayleighshughes

shoutout to my wifey @floydtab for helping me on these hcs, this probably wouldn’t have existed without you- you gave me so much inspo i love you ma’am 💞💕

Fluffy/General Ronald Speirs HCs

-----------------------

-----------------------

Let’s get one thing clear here- Ron is a cold bitch but is ACTUALLY a big softie.

Only for you anyway, but no one else except you two need to know that-

Like Ron will subtly do things to impress you, and you’re just like, 'You dont have to do that I love you too fucking much already, stop tryna make me fall for you again-'

But you always appreciate it anyways because you know that this boy just wants the best for you-

Ron is straightforward and makes it his daily goal to make you happy-

If you’ve had a bad day, Ron will literally go and get your favorite food/drink/thing to immediately make you feel better, and it works 100% of the time.

Aaah- This man lowkey cares a lot in the relationship and he’s just but a bit worried and is self conscious.

But you just tell him that he's enough and that you'll love him no matter what.

After that he'll just immediately hug you and you would press kisses on his jawline while softly rubbing his back to reassure him that you’re there.

Soft declarations of love are always said and done between the two of you and you knew that you couldn’t live without it.

It was practically essential at this point and you’d never ever get tired of Ron saying ‘I love you’.

Ron is also very protective of you but he’s embarrassed to admit it.

The amount of times he almost yeeted someone because they either made you mad/uncomfortable have been endless.

Like they better HOPE that Speirs doesn’t find their address-

Ron isn’t really big on PDA but he will not hesitate to wrap an arm around your waist, and even sometimes he’ll sit you on his lap while he nuzzles his face on the side of your neck.

It’s just a personal preference of Ron’s and he just doesn’t want people to exactly see something that is intimate, you feel?

Even though he prefers to keep your relationship private, he would always softly call you endearing terms in your ear in public.

He prefers to love you in private, and he thinks that it feels more special that way.

Ron acts the complete opposite when you two are alone or behind closed doors. He’s extremely passionate and every single touch light yet intense.

Ron cannot keep his hands off you and he cherishes every moment he shares with you. 

He just loves the fact that you feel so right in his hold, like you two were always meant to be.

He loves everything about you and wouldn’t change a single thing about yourself, I promise you that.

Ron is also a MAJOR worrywart, like if he even heard you whisper ‘ow’, you better bet that he’s going to ZOOM his ass to you.

He also doesn’t express his worries verbally- oh no- his actions speak for him. He’ll hold you in his arms and will ACTUALLY kiss the area where you hurt yourself.

Ron just wants you to be alright and will fret over you even if it’s just a papercut.

Ron is also very discreet about your relationship and God forbid anyone from seeing him being soft towards you. (And God help them even more if they decide to bring it up.)

Ron constantly thinks how amazing you are while you’re right next to him with your hands in his.

He’s always extremely happy around you and he absolutely loves playing with your hair and it’s so cute.

Soft forehead kisses for this man are a must and he can’t help but smile when you press your lips softly against his skin.

Ron is definitely an athletic man and he adores swimming.

There have been countless times where Ron would take you to a lake just so he can swim with you.

When you’re done changing Ron will scoop you up and just straight up jump into the water.

Cue the WHOLESOME AS FUCK experience, thank you very much.

It’s always serene and the air is always filled with laughs as you and Ron splash each other endlessly.

Kisses are always pressed against your wet cheek whenever you two go swimming 

You’d also cradle his face in your hands as you’d stare lovingly into his eyes.

But you’d always finish swimming before him though and you’d admire him as he’d do laps.

Like Ron’s so beautiful, look at that man, he’s so fucking out of this world- 

He might or might not have been trying to impress you by doing laps, but that's a secret we'll never know-

When you’re finally dry, Ron comes up behind you as he just got out of the water and hugs you, causing you to be wet all over again.

Ron also has a special spot in his heart that is reserved for playgrounds. Like when he’s walking with you and he spots one his eyes LIGHT up and you don’t need words to tell what he was thinking.

Ron loves pushing you on the swings and your laugh and smile just keep him GOIN-

He’ll also wrap his arms around your waist as he’s behind you when you’re sliding on the slides-

The childlike wonder in Ron comes out whenever he sees a playground and that’s one of Ron’s many quirks that you loved-

Like literally the main reason he likes going to playgrounds more now is so he can just see your joyful expressions and sweet laugh-

Okokok, Ron Speirs might seem like a cat, but please believe me when I say that he adores dogs!

You could see the absolute love in his eyes when he sees Trigger and you just had the most perfect idea on what to get him for Christmas.

You fell in love with a little Bernese Mountain Dog puppy (please, please, please search them up- they’re adorable) and your plan was set in motion.

You immediately knew that Ron would love him too.

The lil pup was a pure fluffball of sunshine and this boy was bound to bring lots of joy during the holidays-

BUT HOLY SHIT YOU DID NOT EXPECT YOUR BOYFRIEND’S REACTION TO BE SO CUTE WTF-

When you presented the tiny bundle of fluff to Ron, you could see waves of euphoria emitting off of him-

You knew that Ron was already a man of a few words but he was just rendered speechless (in a good way, of course) when his eyes laid upon the Bernese puppy.

“Milo.”

“Ron- What?”

“His name is going to be Milo.”

You have caught Ron multiple times with Milo on his lap and it’s fucking adorable.

Ron would also fall asleep with Milo in his arms and you swore you were going to take a picture of that and frame it-

Milo’s energetic and bouncy personality somehow complimented Ron’s steady and calm one.

 It’s a beautiful dynamic and it just works in the best way possible.

Okokok I’ve rambled enough, but have I mentioned how caring and amazing Ron is? Yeah? Well screw it, here’s more-

Ron is a little spoon half of the time but he’ll never admit it like the stubborn cutie that he is-

You love holding him in your arms and he loves it all the same too!

But Ron is such a good fucking boyfriend, it’s making me ascend-

When you’d fall asleep in your desk while doing work, Ron would ALWAYS carry you back to your shared bedroom and lay you down gently on the bed.

Ron will get on the bed and he’d be the big spoon as he’d crawl into bed with you. 

But then you’d turn to face him in your sleep and you’d instinctively pull him closer and your cheek would be resting on chest 

Oml- I can’t the scene is too goddamn wholesome-

Buuuut if you fall asleep on the couch, Ron would bring a nice fluffy blanket to cover you and he’d sit next to you and he’d fall asleep while making sure you were ok-

You never liked waking up or mornings before, but mornings with Ron? Oh yeah, you were DOWN for that-

Ron’s fluffy tousled hair in the morning is GOLDEN and when you’d push it back to reveal his sleepy but hella handsome face, it’s fucking over I swear-

Ron also feels the same when he wakes up next to you and he genuinely thinks that it’s like waking up to an angel-

But Ron’s husky voice when he wakes up is 😩👌💕, is there anymore to say???

You’d two would just stay in bed cuddling with Milo by your side during the few hours of the morning and you couldn’t ask for anything better.

Ron was known and cemented as a hardened, scary, and stern soldier, but you didn’t mind one bit. 

Because to you... Ron was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to your life, and you couldn’t care less as to what other people thought of him. 💞

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oooooh i’m probably deceased by now, so boo- but the afterlife can wait im proud of writing these hcs!

i hope you enjoyed these hcs lovely anon and i also hope that it was good enough!

but thank you for reading, everybody, i appreciate it so much- 💞💞😩

[larprealgirl]

Honey | Stan Uris

Stanley Uris/Reader College AU

CW: sexual content

word count: 2,156

Part 2 of Waiting [1] tag list: @lanezstuff

It had been weeks since you’d seen any of your friends aside from Beverly and Mike. You didn’t want to risk the embarrassment of seeing Stan, or hearing shit from the other guys if he had told them what happened.

But you were almost positive he hadn’t, so you couldn’t even be mad. You told Bev and Mike, of course, but detailed it more like a horror story. He would probably laugh it off as you being so desperate for him after all these months. That’s what you kept telling yourself.

Stan was kind. He didn’t like you, he wasn’t nice to you, but he was kind. He wouldn’t do something like that. And if he had, Richie would’ve called you 100 times already to mock the living shit out of you. You were basically off the hook. Basically.

Even though Stan hadn’t told anyone, you knew that it happened. You knew that a part of you, a very large one at that, had wanted Stan to some degree. It wasn’t as if you could blame it on the alcohol, either, because you had slept it all off. That feeling--the yearning, was all you. And you couldn’t live with it.

No part of you was mad at Stan. You were angry with yourself; angry for being so stupid, so desperate. Only to be rejected in the harshest and most literal means of the term. 

And it wasn’t like you could blame him, really. He just didn’t want you. That wasn’t his fault. You were expired milk; it was only rational to throw you out. After all, he wouldn’t want to make himself sick.

You felt like you were acting a fool. Which was true, obviously. You saw Stan a few days prior and, so shocked and flustered, you turned around so quickly that you banged your head into a hanging sign. You kept telling yourself he didn’t notice you.

But it was more than that. You were supposed to be this strong, great, vibrant person and you were reduced to hiding out in your room while embarrassment and pity ate away at you like mosquitos on a hot day. If you had felt pathetic sitting on Stan’s bedroom floor, the feeling was only growing. It didn’t feel like it would ever stop. And you needed it to stop. 

So you did the most rational thing you could think of. After a week of static from your end for the majority of your friends, you decided to make your grand return during your traditional movie night. You had missed it the week before and couldn’t help but wonder if Stan had gone. He would’ve been happy you weren’t there to ruin the movie with your endless questions. 

Truthfully, you didn’t know what you would gain from seeing Stan again. While you hoped it would bring you some closure, the possibilities were endless. Perhaps you would take one look at him and realize how grateful you were he had rejected you. Doubtful. 

When you weren’t wallowing in self-pity, you spent the last few days reminiscing about Stan’s lips against your own. How soft they were, how sweet they tasted, how gentle he was. You thought about how heavenly his moans were when he allowed them to slip from his mouth. You thought that it would be worth it to get dumped on his floor again if you got to make him moan like that one more time.

But those were silly, fruitless thoughts, you had decided. You didn’t know what you would achieve by seeing Stan again, but you knew you couldn’t do anything like that. Not that you would in the first place; he made it very clear he wanted no part in that.

All you wanted was to stop isolating yourself from your friends, to stop feeling like the first piece of bread in the box. The one that got thrown out. 

You burst through the door of Richie and Eddie’s shared dorm before your mind could make up an excuse to leave. Everyone was there. Including Stan. 

All eyes were on you. Except for Stan. He was purposely looking anywhere but you, his eyes scanning the dorm like he hadn’t been there a hundred times before. It almost made you pity him to see him squirm like that. Almost. 

“Oh, how nice of you to join us, (Y/N),” Richie remarked, breaking the tense silence and allowing a big grin to fill his face. “We were starting to think you hated us, which I totally get, by the way, Eddie completely sucks and--” 

Eddie hit Richie in the shoulder, just hard enough to get him to shut up. The smile never left Richie’s face. It was enough to make you feel at home again. 

“Yeah, because it’s so much better with (Y/N) here,” Stan muttered under his breath, loud enough for you to hear. He was seated on the floor by himself, glaring at you through his curls. 

“Stanley! The life of the party!” You replied sarcastically, begrudgingly sitting next to him on the floor, as you had arrived too late to secure a spot on either of the beds or the beanie bags in the small room. Still, you sat as far away from him as possible. 

Everyone rolled their eyes at the two of you, not wanting to spur the conflict on. They were used to it by now, but that didn’t mean it annoyed them any less. 

Much to your dismay, you had chosen the worst possible time to return to your mismatch group of friends. It was Bill’s turn to choose the movie, and he had so kindly decided you would be watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You absolutely hated scary movies, but you enjoyed the time with your friends, so you made the sacrifice. 

You were halfway into the movie when you decided you’d be watching the rest of it with your eyes covered. Even so, you could hear the awful noises coming from the TV, and not even Richie’s jokes calmed you down. 

One particularly gruesome scream made you let out a whimper, sinking deeper into your sweater. Your eyes were squeezed so tightly shut that you could see white spots, your shoulders shaking slightly. 

Slowly, you felt the air next to you be filled with warmth. It was Stanley fucking Uris. As if the night couldn’t get any worse.

“Are you okay?” he whispered softly, so softly you could barely hear him. But you did. 

You didn’t want to reply. You couldn’t, your body was so tense, but you wouldn’t either way. What type of games did he think he was playing? You didn’t know, but a red hot anger was slowly replacing the cold fear that had filled up your body.

His hand came down to rest on your knee, giving it a soft squeeze as if to reassure you. It took everything you had not to punch him, but you couldn’t deny the shiver you felt when he touched you. 

You couldn’t confront him there. But you knew he would be the first to leave, and you wouldn’t hesitate to follow him. He wasn’t going to continue making you feel this way if you had anything to say about it. 

And you were right. He left shortly after the movie ended, much to your relief. With the way you had been acting recently, it didn’t surprise anyone when you slipped out after him. 

It also didn’t surprise you when Beverly sent you an unsubtle wink as you left. 

You saw his silhouette just as you bounded off the staircase, lit up brightly by the lamps decorating the sidewalk of your campus. You weren’t very far behind.

“Stan! Hey, Uris! I know you hear me!” You yelled out, speedwalking to where he had come to an abrupt stop by one of the benches. He still had his back facing you. 

“Look at me.” 

He turned around. You wanted to focus on the way the light bounced off his curls, the way the cold lit up his face in soft shades of red, but you didn’t have time for that.

“What’s your problem?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Uris. You know exactly what I mean.” 

He sighed, running his hand across his chin and staring down at you. His eyes were dark, and you couldn’t bear to look into them. 

“No, I don’t,” he retorted finally, then turned on his heel to leave. 

Without thinking, you grabbed the sleeve of his jacket and pulled him back to you. You weren’t going to let go until he explained his angle to you. You wouldn’t be made out as a fool. Not again. 

“You’re being a dick, Stan. Moreso than usual. You can’t just dump me on your fucking floor, then touch me like I’m some goddamn porcelain doll that’ll break any second. I’m not! If you think that kissing me was a mistake, fine, whatever. But you do not get to treat me like this. I mean it.” 

When you were done speaking, there were tears threatening to spill. You felt so stupid, pouring out your soul to stupid Stanley Uris who didn’t even care about what you had to say. 

He stared into your eyes, searching for something. The silence felt like it would last forever, and it was smothering you. You needed him to say something. Anything. But he didn’t.

He took your face in his hands, gentle as always, and pressed a kiss to your lips. They were chapped from the cold, but they still tasted like honey. His kiss was just as soft as you remembered and you wanted his lips on yours forever, but, fuck, he couldn’t do this to you again. 

“Kissing you wasn’t a mistake,” he whispered, his forehead pressed against yours as he looked into your eyes with an unreadable expression. “But I don’t want you to make a bigger one.” 

He left you in the cold. 

You stood there for maybe 10 minutes, maybe more, trying to process what happened. Once you did, you were freezing cold and angry. He couldn’t do this to you again.

You made your way to his dorm as quickly as possible, even more determined than the time before, and banged on the door until he answered.

Before he could even speak, you shoved your way past him into the room. Upon seeing his roommate was absent, you turned on him and began speaking with unfounded emotion.

“You are not doing this to me! I’m not going to sit here and think about kissing you and being thrown on your floor and how I’d let you do it to me again, just for you to waltz around and act like it doesn’t matter. If it isn’t a mistake, then don’t treat it like one, because I am tired of this shit! Tired, Stanley, do you hear me? I’m not--” 

His lips weren’t gentle this time. He kissed you with a force you didn’t know he possessed, spinning you around and pushing you against the wall. He had put on chapstick. His lips still tasted like honey. You would remember this feeling forever. 

He bit on your bottom lip gently, then moved his feverish kisses down your jawline and towards your neck. While his lips worked, nipping at the gentle exposed skin, he parted your legs with his knee, grinding against you like he wanted you to come undone then and there. 

He bit and sucked at your neck, sure to leave marks that would raise some questions. But you didn’t care. Right at the spot where your jawline and neck met, he took his time, licking and nipping softly. Your head was thrown back against the wall, your mouth had fallen open as quiet pleas slipped out. You wanted this feeling to go on and on and on; you could’ve stayed like that all night. 

But Stan seemed to have other plans. 

With his hands gripping your hips, he pushed you back, leading you until you fell against his bed. He wasted no time in climbing on top of you, using one hand to pin your own above your head. 

“Is this okay?” he asked breathlessly, gazing at you through hooded eyelids. 

You nodded eagerly, bucking your hips against him to create some type of friction. His lips were back on your body in no time. 

His hand found its way up your shirt, slowly sliding across your stomach until it reached your bra. 

You were about to beg him to take it off, to touch you, when the doorknob turning stopped you both dead in your tracks. You pushed him off of you, sitting up straight in the bed as you attempted to fix your shirt and your hair. 

In walked Stan’s roommate, staring at the two of you questioningly. 

Stan refused to look at you. 

“I think you should leave.”

[lovefollowsknowledge]

Rejoice! It is time.

This picture was taken just a little over 5 years ago. More specifically, it was taken on October 22, 2015 while I was living in Michigan. And ever since October 22 of this year I have been trying to get the words out of what this year’s anniversary of this picture has meant to me, but every time I feel like I come up short. I’ve tried to write it out, pray it out, and talk it out with those closest to me, but every time I feel like I’m at a lost for words as to how to adequately convey what this year’s anniversary means to me. Because for the first time, I am not afraid.

I usually hate this time of year. During this time of year I usually avoid any old posts, old pictures, and most especially any old memories. I try to avoid anything that could remind of the day this was taken. Because on this day 5 years ago, I went into the hospital for my first time ever. It was for my depression. The days and weeks leading up to this day were intense. My mind was completely gripped by the conviction of suicide. I was starting to think in lasts. Last time I would see my family, last time I would talk to friends, last time I would drive down roads, last time I would walk along paths.

There was one time in particular I was walking along a path I had been walking almost daily. It was actually a beautiful fall day, but my mind was very very dark. I started to see everything as an opportunity, and I had already made up my mind that once I got back home that would be it. But by God’s providence alone, I was met with a busy house, too busy to do anything so severe. So I trudged along.

There was another day in particular where I was alone at work. I had gone to vigil Mass and stayed behind uncontrollably sobbing in my pew till everyone was gone and all the lights shut off. It was to the point I even had another parishioner check on me before they left. I bawled all the way down the hallway back to my office and tried so hard to distract myself with work and worship music, but nothing helped. Eventually I sought out professional help, but even that brought no relief. But again, by God’s providence alone, my therapist from California, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 months, randomly called me just to check in and talked me through all the thoughts I was having. She told me “Don’t let this be the end. FIGHT! Which for you mostly means, RECEIVE!”

One other time that I will always remember was one evening we all came back home from something, maybe vigil Mass, and it was one of those days where I had to fight with all my strength not to completely break down. So the moment we got home, I went straight to my room, locked the door, and just tossed and turned in agony on my bed not knowing how to deal with the swirl of sadness, darkness, hopelessness going on in my head. I texted Ate right away that I wouldn’t be joining them that night for whatever dinner or movie they were gonna do. But she sent Jobo to go check on me. I paced the room debating if I should just push through, let him in, and go join them. I decided against it and shooed him off. But with God’s loving and relentless providence, He sends Ate down to check on me who refuses to let me keep the door locked. I open the door, and immediately she just scoops me up in all my despair and lets me cry in her arms. We spend the rest of the night just laying in my bed as I word vomit all the sadness I had been bottling up.

Finally the day came when my doctor wouldn't let me sit in my thoughts anymore. It just wasn't safe. So she made me promise I’d take myself to the hospital, call her when I got there, and have the hospital call her if they didn’t admit me. I drove home completely stunned, shocked, and dumbfounded that it had actually reached that point. It was one of those drives I had no idea how I got home. Very emptily, I packed my stuff trying to accept the fact that I was going to the hospital with a very high chance of me staying there overnight. My brother called in that moment, and that’s when I started to break. He told me, “This is only the beginning, and I can’t wait to see you come out the other side. You’re gonna be so much stronger.” He then asked if I wanted him and Rose to come out, and very timidly, I said yes. It was hard for me to admit, but I really really needed them in that moment. I needed the assurance of love. I needed to know it was going to be okay. I needed to be taken care of. So I gave in.

That night was by far the scariest moment of my life. Kuya and Ate stayed with me till the doctors and nurses said that was as far as they could go and as long as they could stay. My heart sunk in that moment as things started to get more and more real with them leaving. I did my orientation interview with the nurse, and that’s when she told me the soonest I could get out of there was Monday bc the minimum was usually 3 days and the discharge doctor doesn’t work on weekends. Monday was 4 days away. I went to bed that night in medical robes and bawled myself to sleep. If I didn’t have a roommate I would probably be wailing with every bit of fear and anxiety within me. I was doing one of those big silent cries, where the weight is so heavy but I’m not able to make a sound.

The next 4 days were intense as I had to face my darkness straight in the eyes for my first time, with no other distractions, no other escape. I spent my days calling anyone I possibly could from those free phones, just desperate to hear a voice outside those hospital walls. Something to keep me grounded that there is life outside of this, there is hope and people waiting for me. I lived for 4-5pm, the one hour a day we were allowed to have visitors. That first day in particular, it felt like forever till Ate got there. Ohhh but when she did, it was over. We were a mess. We both hated that I was there, and we both desperately wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t. The following days Ced and Rose were there, and a couple times even brought me the Eucharist :) It was a scary time, but also very reflective. At this point I was 99.9999% convinced I was made for suicide, and if anyone found me loved and lovable, it was them that was being deceived. But the nurses and doctors couldn’t understand why I was there because it was clear I had a good life and was blessed with a solid support system. But as I was reading through my notes from my time there - which I almost never do, except this year - I wrote what one of the doctors told me, “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.”

And well, here I am 5 years later, and for the first time, instead of running in fear from the memories of this time in year, the only word I can come up with to sum up how I’m feeling is REJOICE. This year on October 22 all I wanted to do was rejoice over the memories. Instead of hiding in shame, I wanted everyone to know it’s been 5 years bc I’m honestly so proud. Because waking up on October 22, 2020 it felt like I could finally exhale. There’s something about this year that makes me feel like I can finally say, “You did it. You survived. It’s over.” There’s something about this year that makes it feel like this chapter of depression is finally over, and I can now move on. And I wish I can tell you what exactly made it that way, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s more to process, but it’s as if I just found myself on the other side. The other side that Ced talked to me about right before I went in. It’s like one of those war movies, where the scene cuts just as they’re in the middle of big explosions, and everything feels overwhelming. But the very next scene is the solider waking up, and the next thing he knows is the war is done. The battle was won, he fought the good fight, and he’s free to return home. That’s where I’ve seemed to find myself. It’s as if I found myself with the strength that Ced almost prophesied over me right before I went in. And it blows me away that on the one year I’m actually brave enough to read my old notes, this is the one I find - “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.” And it’s not even that I would write to Past Mare of 5 years ago and say, “Yes! Stick around bc it does get good!” As if all this will go away soon and all my dreams will come true. Bc that 100% didn’t happen. But I would tell myself “stick around, feel the feels, voice all the thoughts, and just keep fighting. bc one day, you will find yourself free.”

Bc that’s exactly how I feel - free. It’s as if I’ve been chained down all this time, and by God’s grace the locks have been broken, and I can walk free, no conditions, no tricks, just free. Almost like Genie at the end of Aladdin. He fought the fight, he was faithful, and now the cuffs are simply off and he’s free to go. Just like that. And every time I’ve tried to write this out, pray this out, talk this out, I am brought to tears bc the freedom isn’t just from the fear and despair I felt 5 years ago in that hospital. The truth is that hospital bed was a lonnnng time coming. The tears of rejoicing that I shed now are not only for Hospital-Mare 5 years ago, but for St. Rose-Mare 7 years ago who felt like a piece of shit every single day, Newly Graduated-Mare 8 years ago who felt life was hopeless, Senior Year of College-Mare 9 years ago who couldn’t help but be attracted to the idea, and Senior Year of High School-Mare 13 years ago who felt no one would even notice or care. Bc for the first time in 13 years I am no longer plagued by the conviction that my life is irreversibly hopeless and helpless, that I am intrinsically unloved and unlovable, and that as sure as the sun will rise, I am destined for suicide. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer afraid of this time of year bc there is a still but sure certainty that my life is about to change as this 13 year battle has finally come to an end. Not that depression will be fully behind me and will no longer be a thing for me for the rest of my life, but that depression no longer runs my life. Depression no longer dictates my life. Depression may still be in the car, but it no longer drives the car of my life. And I can’t help but weep over this triumph.

It’s such a trippy and almost anticlimactic experience though bc there really isn’t 1 particular moment I can point to. (Well maybe there is but that might be for another story ;)) But even then, there was more before leading up to that moment. Like so many people, 2020 has brought a lot of loss for me. But most of mine are relationships (for different reasons). I lost a couple relationships with people who have guided me through many years of my life; I lost a very personal and close relationship; I lost the relationships from my job and all those that came with it (at least the nature of them). And while each loss has brought a lot of grief, worry, and tears, at the end of the day there was peace bc it all just felt part of the plan. It felt like watching the series finale of a show where everything starts to find resolution, bringing the show to a final and peaceful close. With every loss this year, it felt like another resolution and another part of the story coming to an end. It felt like the final pages of a book closing. And something in me just knew, this is it.

And again, I wish I could say I went to the hospital and that was it. Life was beautiful and perfect and made complete sense. But that’s just not true. I went 2 more times before moving back home to Cali and went another time for a very long stretch for what ended up being lupus. I lost a lot of dreams and cried many tears of agony and frustration and honestly straight anger towards God. But I had to keep moving. The freedom I live in now didn’t come with one big moment. It came with the last 5 years after the hospital, and the 4 years before the hospital, of doing the hard work in therapy. I had to learn to grow in trust and vulnerability. I had to learn how to receive care and love (probably the hardest part of it all). I had to be docile to practice what I was learning in therapy. I had be honest with my thoughts and feelings to myself, my therapist, the group I was in therapy with, and most especially with those closest to me, especially those I lived with. It also took a lot of trial and error wth medication. It took hard work, and a lot of it was being brave enough to enter into the darkness, let myself feel the feelings and voice the thoughts. It took a lot of letting people speak truth to me and even speaking truth to myself, even if it all felt like a lie. It took faithfulness to holy hours, receiving the Eucharist, and daily prayer time even if all I had was anger or indifference towards God, even if it all felt empty and pointless. It took repeating the name of Jesus, endlessly reciting the Memorare, and begging for St. Michael’s intercession in the scariest moments of my depression. It took long, hard work, but what brings me to cry tears of rejoicing now is not only how long it’s taken me to get here, but remembering the faithfulness of God to His promises.

7 years ago I was given the penance to read the Gospel of Mark, and the verse that struck me right away was Mk 5:41 “Taking her by the hand He said to her, ‘Talitha cumi,’ which means, ‘little girl I say to you, arise.’” Instantly, I knew the Lord was talking to me. The first promise.

5 years ago hiding in my hospital bed, I was looking for a specific verse in Isaiah, but I ended up on Is 43:18-19 “Remember not the events of past, the things of old consider not; see I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Once again, instinctively I knew this was for me. It was the beginning that Ced was talking to me about before going in. The second promise.

Over the last few months, the verse that I find myself repeating to myself over and over, especially in times of most anxiety, fear, and worry is Jer 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” The third promise.

This year I can’t help but cry as I look at this picture and reminisce on all the intense trapped darkness because I feel like I am now standing in the fulfillment of these promises He made to me so long ago. I just feel like He’s saying, “it’s time.” It’s finally time for me to rise up. It’s finally time for me to see this new thing He’s been building and shaping for me. It’s finally time for me to walk on the water. It’s time for me to rise out of my fear and reclaim the life and joy depression has stolen from me all those years. And in that rising, in that reclaiming, also comes the gift, the permission, the freedom to dream again and the grace and courage to pursue those dreams. Me! Me, dream again! It’s the most surreal experience that I could actually be free to walk into the light, dare to dream anew, and live unafraid of the consequences should failure come. Me! Unafraid! I just keep thinking, who the heck do I think I am that I could dream and live unafraid? That I could be free to live life joyfully again? To live bravely? To live unchained? Who am I? And I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t say I’m deserving. I can’t say to myself it is safe and possible. But the Lord in all His patience and authority just keeps saying, it is time. Today, once again in God’s providence, I happen to come across Dn 10:19 “Fear not, beloved, you are safe; take courage and be strong.” And I just feel like He’s like “Yes, you!” haha. What trips me up is realizing that healing isn’t always this big, extravagant thing. Sometimes, it’s the slow but steady work of God. Sometimes it’s just doing the work day in and day out, and being faithful to that work, and one day the Lord gives you the grace to see you’re already there. The fight is won, and you are free. No strings attached, no tricks. Just free. 

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I’ll be honest, I’ve been fighting the Lord like “Are you sure??! bc I have no idea how to do life outside of this depressed world!” I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, who dreams all those years of leaving her tower to pursue the lights. But once her chance has finally come and she’s able to taste a new, free life, guilt takes over her, and she goes back and forth if it was the right decision - Do I dare to believe my identity could be more than my depression? This reality I’ve known for so much of my life. Do I dare take the Lord up on His offer and leave my dark tower? - But as she keeps going and finally makes it to the boats, she admits she’s afraid, “what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be?…and what if it is?” To which she’s told, “that’s the good part, you get to dream a new dream.” And as things unfold, she suddenly finds herself unafraid. And that’s where I feel I am. It’s scary bc I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have it all completely mapped out like I’d like, but all I know is it is finally my time to arise. It’s time for me to feel that water as I step out of the boat. It's time to dare to dream again, dare to live life again, and this time walk along side our Lord every step of the way. Let Him dream His dreams through me. Let my dreams unite with His. And dare I admit, I’m actually getting excited about it! :)

It’s scary, and it calls for a new level of vulnerability, and I am begging everyday for the courage to lean into this new life. But at this point all I can say is I can’t believe I made it! I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I survived! And I know I wouldn't be here if it weren’t for the countless prayer warriors I have out there, prayer warriors I’m not even aware of. All the prayers, the rosaries, the Masses, the holy hours that have been offered up for me. Graces I’m sure I will be unpacking for the rest of my life. And I most especially wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those closest to me while I was in the thick of it. Special shout out to the Urginos, to my parents, to Ced and Rose, to Ming and King, and to Age - those that literally stopped their lives just to be by my side 5 years ago. And to Hyds and Anhel who dealt with every frantic text during that time (and who still do) and never tired of speaking truth to me. I’ve screenshotted so many of our texts, and I still go back to them every now and then on some of my hardest days. And of course to my therapists, my doctors, my spiritual directors. For carrying every heavy thought with me and never letting up. And finally, to all my Kuya and Ate Saints, I know it was you guys holding me up and keeping me close to the Lord when I couldn’t do it myself.

Glory to God through Mary! I have no idea what’s next, but thank You in advance for whatever happens from here. Let’s get it!  :)

LDM

[lovemesomesurveys]

What do you usually order from Subway/Togo’s/another sandwich place? Wheat bread, turkey, salami, Monterrey Jack cheese, mayo, pickles, and olive oil and vinegar or some kind of sandwich spread.

Have you ever talked about your period with a guy? Were they okay with it, or grossed out? No. I never felt comfortable talking about that with anyone, really, but definitely not a guy. I just always kept that to myself, I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with anyone.

Have you ever been to small/church/bible group/study (forced to or wanted to)? I’ve been to church and I’ve participated in several Bible studies the past year and have done so by choice. I went to church as a kid sometimes with my grandparents, which wasn’t really my choice at the time.

In-N-Out, ever been there? If not, what’s a good burger place around your town? Yeah, numerous times. Would I be a true Californian if I didn’t? ha. Honestly, though, I don’t think it’s that great or what it’s hyped up to be. When we got a Five Guys several years ago, which was a east coast thing, I remember thinking it was way better. 

How many people do you know with the name Ashley/Ashlee? I don’t know any currently.

Have you ever been to an asian (any type) market? If so, what is the closest one to you? Yeah, a few.

What would you do if the person you have feelings for showed up at your door? I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone.

How long does it typically take you to get over people? It always took me a long time.

What did your last text message say? “Yes.”

How many people have texted you today? Did you reply to all of them? No one has texted me so far.

When was the last time you drank something with alcohol? 8 years ago on my birthday.

Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? I’ve never slept with a member of the opposite sex, period.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight? There’s no such person.

How would you feel if your significant other had tattoos? I don’t think I’d mind. Although, I personally don’t really like a body full of tatts and I really don’t care for face tatts. That’s just my personal preference. 

Do you actually eat breakfast lunch and dinner everyday? No, not all 3. There’s a lot of days I just have dinner and my late night bowl of ramen I have every night. Somedays I have lunch. I rarely have breakfast, but I do eat breakfast food a lot.

Is there something else you should be doing? I should be trying to go to sleep.

Was your last text message from someone of the opposite sex? No.

If you could have a free plane ticket to anywhere, where would you choose to go? I’d have to really think about that, there’s so many places I’d love to visit given the chance. Not in these current times given the pandemic, but ya know.

Have you felt ill at all in the past week? Yes.

What’s the approximate total cost of the clothes you’re wearing? Maybe $40.

Where was the last place on your body that you felt physical pain? My back.

Has someone of the opposite sex made you smile recently? My brother brought me a Starbucks yesterday, which made me smile.

Can your significant other/crush sing? I don’t have either of those

What do you want/need right now? I need to sleep.

How much does the last person you texted really know about you? She knows a lot about me.

Who was the last person you apologized to? What did you apologize for? I apologized just a bit ago when calling to cancel my doctor appointment. 

What are the initials of the person you have feelings for? Sigh.

Did you straighten your hair today? No. I haven’t straightened my hair in years.

Is it okay to like someone else, if you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Uh, not to me it isn’t.

Would you spend the night in a haunted house? No.

Look in a mirror. Are you 100% happy with what you see? Why/why not? Umm, how about no.

Will tomorrow be better than today? I haven’t done much today so far, it’s only 7:37AM.

What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video of course.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? The receptionist at my doctor’s office.

Do you look your age? I think I look younger.

Last person you texted? My mom.

What color is your hair? Naturally it’s dark brown, but I dye it red. Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy? Yes.

Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts? Not unless I feel like there's a reason for the conversation to continue. <<< Yeah, if we’re having a conversation it makes it difficult. Or if I’ve said something I feel warrants more of a response. Sometimes one word is all that’s needed. 

Could you cry right now? I’d rather not.

How late did you stay up last night and why? I think I fell asleep a little after 5AM.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? No. Somedays I’m already on the verge of tears so it takes very little. 

Has anyone made you upset lately? Yes.

When was the last time you completely broke down? About a week ago.

If you were given the chance to go to Paris, would you go? Not currently, but in better circumstances yes absolutely.

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Certain things, yeah.

Have you ever been dumped? Yes.

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? I’d like to experience a serious relationship. 

How have you been feeling today? Mehhh.

Do you chew your pens? No.

Is there anything you DIDN’T like about today? Like I’ve said, it’s still really early and nothing has happened so far.

Where’s your phone right now? Near me on my bed.

Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe? My family does.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No. It was the receptionist at my doctor’s office who I don’t even know, but he seemed nice.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Uhhh.

What is your favorite slang word for penis? I don’t have a favorite slang word for penis...

If you found a full tube of lipgloss on the ground, would you pick it up and keep it or would you throw it away? Ew, I definitely wouldn’t keep it. I don’t want some random and used lipgloss that’s gross. I wouldn’t do anything with it, I’d just keep going.

Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No, I listen to ASMR.

If your parents.. or anybody else.. found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in our inbox/outbox? No. Majority of the messages are from them anyway. The others are from my brother and my Nana lol.

Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? It gets annoying when you’re trying to talk to them and they’re clearly distracted and not paying attention.

When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We did sometimes.

If you were a waiter/waitress, would you make good tips? I don’t know?

Forget about toppings. What type of CRUST do you like on pizzas? I like pan or high rise.

Would you prefer an ice cream sundae or an ice cream cone? Ice cream sundae. I take too long to finish stuff and ice cream cones get too messy.

What are the best kind of Girl Scout cookies? Thin Mints are the top fave, but I like the others as well except for the coconut ones.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to a certain medication? No.

Puff, puff…do you need an inhaler to survive? No.

What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Spaghetti or pesto pasta.

Do you watch independent films? Yeah, some. If a movie looks interesting then I’ll likely check it out.

Do you constantly doubt yourself? I completely doubt myself.

Have you ever played computer solitaire for hours on end? I probably did when I was a kid. Back when that and messing around on Paint was pretty all there was to do haha.

Are you scared of roller coasters because of Final Destination 3? I was scared before then. 

If you were digging and found buried treasure, would you tell anyone? I’d tell my family and then figure out what to do.

Do you still whip out the Nintendo on random occasions? The only Nintendo I have is an Nintendo Switch.

Have you ever seen anyone fall down an escalator? Funny or scary? Nooo, omg. That wouldn’t be funny at all.

Do you think wearing jeans to work is unprofessional? No, not necessarily. Depends on the job, of course. 

Are you uneasy about eating from a buffet? Yeah, I don’t like buffets.

Can you honestly tell the difference between DiGiorno and delivery pizza? Definitely. My favorite pizza is from this local pizza place, but DiGiorno isn’t bad.

[autumn-foxfire]

Honestly feel like purity and call out culture really shines in this fandom, like people no longer feel safe just liking a character cuz it’s a cool character no matter is it a hero or a villain, now suddenly they have to write essays either on how ‘No I don’t support his actions guys I promise’ or how ‘The bad guys are the good guys actually and you who like heroes should be ashamed.’ Like, liking a cool design doesn’t determine who you are as a person 1/5

villains and heroes are both made to be likeable in different ways and for different reasons. Like god my first big fandom was Durarara and I was and always will be an Izaya fan and it felt so good to see his stupid mug get fucking decked once a season. Villains are likeable so it’s fun to watch them. Not saying you can’t have a cast of villains people are supposed to hate but I just don’t personally think that’s as fun 2/5

its more fun when villains are complex people with their own lives and decisions who you might want to see redeemed, you might want to see succeed in their evil, you might want to see pummeled into dust, but no matter what, are fun and enjoyable to watch and follow. It seems like people just cling so strongly to only enjoying morally 100% pure things, which I get because there exist toxic people who will skin you alive for supporting murder cuz u like villains or some other such nonsense 3/5

but I feel like its such a shame that you can’t just enjoy villains how they are written, that you have to basically rewrite them in your head to ‘allow’ yourself to enjoy them. It just seems like so much work for no reason, rewriting villains as uwu soft beans who just want to change the world for the better uwu instead of going DID YA SEE WHAT HE DID HE DEMOLSIHED EVERYTHING IT WAS SO COOL 4/5

and enjoying villains for who they are, bad people, with sad pasts that may have pushed them on this path, but that made conscious decision to start that path and to keep going along it no matter what and that’s what makes them cool and that what makes them scary and that’s what makes them FUN. This fandom should just let itself have more fun. 5/5

If liking a character means you support what they do in real life then I’m a horrible person because I too adore Izaya “lets ruin lives for fun!” Orihara as much as anyone with a brain who has watched Durarara!! should :p

(I should I add that I too took so much satisfaction in watching Izaya get what he deserved. Except the last fight, while Izaya had what happened coming to him, no one was really innocent in ketsu and I feel some of them *cough* Shinra, Shizuo, Vorona *cough* got off lighter then they really should have but that’s just my personal gripe with the light novel/manga/anime)

I agree with you completely though, fandom has gotten to be so toxic nowadays that people feel like they have to justify the reasons as to why they like the characters, some even going as far as to sharing their own trauma just so it’s “acceptable” for them to enjoy certain character for people who don’t know them and will never interact with them in their lives outside of the internet.

It’s beyond a joke. You should be allowed to like a character because they’re interesting! You should be allowed to support a character being an awful human being in the work of fiction without people thinking you actually support *insert horrible thing* in real life! My god, just because I like Izaya doesn’t mean I think it’s a good idea to drug suicidal people and question them on their beliefs and just because I like Dabi doesn’t mean I think people should be allowed to burn others alive in real life.

Villains can be some of the best characters in anime/manga/shows/books and they’re written that way for a reason because a bland villain makes a boring story. They need to be compelling to tell a good story so it’s no surprise that good villains get fans and support.

Honestly purity culture either needs to die or tone itself back a lot because it’s ruining what makes fandoms fun.

[runenc03]

HH - Kaycee’s first year (part 2)

Writing date: November 2018

Genre: Fluff? 

Warnings: Genuine childish innocence. Also, get ready for beta-ed (someone explain this conjugation to me) stuff in the next chapter :)

Word count: 9k lol

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Autumn

"Granger, Kaycee!"

The 11-year old hesitantly walked towards professor McGonagall, so the sorting hat could decide which house'd be best for her. She saw her sister give her a thumbs up from the corner of her eye, but it didn't help calming her nerves. The walk to the front of the Great Hall seemed to take ages, but in reality of was only about 40 seconds. Before she could really prepare herself for her sorting, the hat was already pulled over her head.

Kaycee closed her eyes, waiting for the sorting hat to say something. She knew what would be coming. Hermione and Sean had told her all about their conversation with the sorting hat.

Except, there was no such thing as a conversation right now. The sorting hat stayed completely silent.

Time seemed to stop, even though mere seconds seemed like hours in that gigantic room. Kaycee wanted to ignore everything around her and focus on the hat instead, but it was simply impossible. And it became even harder when the other students began whispering to eachother. She strained her ears, trying to hear what they were talking about. The word she seemed to hear the most was 'hatstall', but she absolutely didn't know what that was. Was it a wizarding term? If it was, Hermione surely hadn't told her about it.

Just when Kaycee was convinced that there had been some kind of cruel mistake and she wasn't a witch, the sorting hat surprisingly shook her out of her thoughts:

"You're quite the extroardinary lady, miss Granger. It's a very rare occurence that I have difficulties sorting a new student... I'm going to be very honest with you. It's going to be either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuf. You have this massive amount of loyalty in you and your kindness is one of your strongest traits, but I can't just ignore your uniqueness, your individuality, which could indicate that you're destined to be a Ravenclaw...what do you think, yourself?

Kaycee was silently thinking, eyes closed. If she was 100 % honest with herself, she had to admit that she felt like a Hufflepuf. She couldn't explain it, she just felt like she belonged there. However, there was also a part of her that screamed: 'You're a weirdo! Ravenclaw praises uniqueness! And Sean's in Ravenclaw..."

And she didn't know why, but she suddenly had to fight a heavy blush from coloring her cheeks. The sorting hat on her head was long forgotten.

"Okay, miss Granger. Your thoughts really helped me making a decision. You've sat here way too long, people are already talking about the fact that you're the first hatstall in years."

Kaycee wanted to ask what a hatstall was, but the sorting hat seemed eager to get this over with.

"You've got a unique personality, miss Granger, but your kindness outnumbers your uniqueness effortlessly. And now I know that you don't really have a preference, I am convinced that you're destined to be a...

"HUFFLEPUF!"

Finally, Kaycee opened her eyes. The first thing she saw were Hermione and Sean, simultaneously standing up from their respective housetables and urging on their housemates to join them in their standing ovation.

A smile crept on Kaycee's face.

And then she caught sight of the Hufflepuf table.

All her housemates were, without exception, beaming at her, applauding, beckoning her to come over and join them.

So she did.

She didn't doubt it anymore.

She was a real Hufflepuf.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Take your books on page 24. We're going to investigate the difference between monkswood and wolfsbane. Everyone is going to make an essayment about what you learned this lesson and hand it in by next one. The minimal length is..."

Kaycee couldn't help it. She tried to listen to professor Snape, but his voice was so monotone that she couldn't help but zone out. Her mind took her away from potions, and brought her to an evening during the summer holidays.

She'd been at home, it'd been pretty late. She'd been to Disney world with her parents, her siblings and Sean that day, which had resulted in her brain being way too active to go to sleep. There was only one thing that helped her when she couldn't sleep: dance. After tossing and turning for a few hours, she'd tiptoed downstairs, towards her dance room.

When Kaycee'd arrived there, she'd turned around, straining her ears to hear if she woke anyone up. The whole house had been silent, so she'd quickly opened the door and gone into het dance room...

She was dancing, moving her body to the music like she was water, so fluid. Her mind went blank, the only thing she felt was the immense happiness dancing brought her. When she was dancing, she could really let go of everything and just be herself.

She absolutely loved it.

The music stopped, and Kaycee hurriedly ran to her phone to pick another song. She was busy choosing one, when she heard a voice speaking, not that far away from her:

"That was really beautiful, Kaycee. Hermione told me you dance, but I didn't realise that you'd be this good..."

Kaycee turned around as fast as possible. She hadn't meant for someone to see her, and certainly not Sean. He stood there, leaning against the door frame, with an expression of wonder on his face.

She felt her cheeks turn crimson. How could she draw the attention away from herself?

And then Hermione's letter from a few weeks ago shot through her head: "Sometimes, he reminds me so much of you, it's unbelievable. And not just because you both dance..."

Kaycee got an idea. She smiled at Sean and said:

"Oh, well, thanks. But I'm not that good...anyway, Hermione told me you dance too! Care to show me something?"

She looked right into his eyes, and saw something flicker in them. It was kind of hard to say, but she thought she saw a mix between curiousness and passion in them. Dancing clearly meant as much to him as it meant for her.

He walked a few steps into the room, still hesitating. "Okay, then. But only if you dance with me."

Kaycee thought about that. It wasn't a bad idea. In fact, it'd be the perfect opportunity to get to know him...

"Deal!"

She turned around and let the music blast once again through the speakers. When she was done, she turned around and saw that Sean was beckoning her to come over to the middle of the room. When she was close enough to him, he gave her an encouraging smile, as if to say: let's do this together, and began dancing. Kaycee watched him move. At first, it was slow, but soon, he seemed completely in his own world, not even moving in time with the music, but owning it.

Kaycee felt herself move in sync with him. She didn't even try, it just felt so natural...they locked eyes again, and the world seemed to stop.

In the few days that Sean had been here, she'd gotten the impression that he was a nice boy, but she hadn't really gotten the chance to get to know him. She'd wondered why Hermione had seemed so convinced that they would get along so well.

She had her anwer now.

She had never felt so connected to someone in her entire life. She was dancing her heart out, pouring out so much emotions without feeling embarrassed that he was there to witness it. Without agreeing on it, they were already dancing like this was a duet and not just some improve. A wonderful feeling spread through Kaycee's entire body. She felt warm, safe, she'd even go as far as to say that she finally felt like she was ho-

"Miss Rice, do you care to explain why you are still sitting here? I thought I made it very clear that the class was dismissed, but apparently, you find yourself important enough to force me to repeat myself. You. Are. Dismissed."

With every word that Snape said, he came closer to Kaycee, who'd woken up from her daydream as soon as the scary teacher's voice had echoed through the dungeons. She looked around the class room: it was completely empty, except for herself and professor Snape. How had she managed to daydream for so long without noticing?

Her eyes landed on the greasy-haired man again, and she suddenly remembered what he said.

She collected her stuff as soon as possible and scurried out of the class room, all the while mumbling apologies.

She turned the corner and let out a deep sigh.

Leave it to Sean to get her into trouble when he isn't even physically there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaycee Granger sat on the grass, in a secluded spot near the Great Lake. This was by far her favorite place in Hogwarts. It was an afternoon in late octobre, but the sun shone brightly and it was surprisingly warm for the time of the year. The young girl tilted her head backwards, letting herself bask in the warmth of the sun. She loved this: the slight breeze that blew through her hair, the birds singing one last time, before they flew to warmer regions, the sun rays touching her skin. It was one of those perfect moments where you just want to stay in forever.

Kaycee was just contemplating whether she could procrastinate her homework for another hour or not, when she heard Sean's voice coming closer and closer to her.

"Unbelievable! The nerve of that boy! How dare he call you a mudblood!"

Kaycee turned her head now, wanting to know what was happening. Walking in her direction were an annoyed looking Sean, a strangely emotionless Harry, her sister who was seemingly very determined to figure out her thoughts and Ron....who was vomiting?

No-one seemed to notice her.

"Hey, Hermione, wait! What happened?"

All four of them now stopped in their tracks, looking at Kaycee. Sean didn't seem to mind that he had another person to spill his guts to, so he quickly turned around and sat down beside her. The rest followed suit.

"We came across Draco Malfoy", Sean began, still worked up from whatever had happened. "He found it necessary to call Hermione a 'filthy little mudblood'. I was angry, but apparently, Ron was much angrier, because he took out his wand and tried to jinx Malfoy. But the spell backfired and now he's stuck with vomiting slugs until the spell wears off."

Kaycee looked at Ron sympathetically. The poor boy couldn't say anything. Every time he opened his mouth, a handful of slugs came out. She really pitied him, he was a nice boy who was only trying to protect her sister. Kaycee considered him as a friend, after all the stories her sister had told her about him and the few times that she had spent time with the group of friends.

Her eyes shifted towards Sean, and she put up a sad but determined smile, addressing both Ron and Sean.

"Guys, I know Hermione means a lot to both of you, but you should really calm down about these kind of things. There'll always be people like Malfoy who go through life like this. He was raised this way, he can't really be blamed for the way he thinks now."

This time, Ron said something. Or at least, he tried to.

"K-urghhhh Kaycee! Are you seriou-uuuuuurhhg defending that ferret now?! You th-think it's okay-uuuurggghhh to, to call people mudbloods? Seriousl-uuuurggghhh"

Kaycee shook her head.

"No, I'm not saying it's okay to call people mudbloods, I'm simply stating some facts here. Malfoy shouldn't have done what he did, but let's be honest: his dad doesn't seem like a warm and caring father either. I'm saying I'm not surprised by how Draco acts, if you see in what kind of family he grew up."

At this, Hermione's head shot up, surprised by her sister's words.

"You saw Draco's father? When? Where? And where was I when at that moment?"

Sean had to admit that he too was surprised. He began feeling slightly sick to his stomach. First, Hermione being called a mudblood, and now Kaycee apparently knowing Malfoy's father. Both girls meant the world to him, and the last thing he wanted was to see them hurt. He asked himself the same as Hermione had asked Kaycee: where had he been when Kaycee saw Draco's father?

Sean felt a twinge in his chest. He should've been there when she had seen that man.

But Kaycee was quick to reassure her friends.

"Don't worry, guys, nothing serious happened. You were all busy with professor Lockhart's book signing. I was just looking through the shop when he passed me. The opening between the stacks was quite small, so he grunted that I should move for him. I did, but he still brushed against me. He didn't apologize to me, but it doesn't really matter. I'm okay now, aren't I?"

"If you say so...But if you see him again, or anyone else who makes you uncomfortable for that matter, please make sure that I'm around, okay?"

"Don't worry, Sean. I can handle those purebloods. I appreciate the fact that you want to protect me, but you have nothing to worry about."

Kaycee was sitting there beside him with a smile on her face, convincing him that she was okay.

But the sinking feeling in Sean's stomach didn't go away.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winter

About a month went by since the slug incident, and the temperature outside had dropped dramatically. Kaycee, however, had other things on her mind. It was approximately 5 in the afternoon, and she was walking with quick strides towards her destination: the ravenclaw tower, or more specifically: Sean Lew.

Originally, she'd intended to go to him to ask him about a specific chapter in her DADA book she didn't really understand, but now that she was walking, she didn't even remember her question anymore. Deep down, she knew she could've asked him when she saw him tomorrow, she just chose to go to him immediately.

While she was walking, her mind drifted towards Sean. She was sure he wouldn't mind her coming to him for her questions about her homework. In fact, she realised while a smile began forming on her lips, he didn't mind her asking him anything.

Maybe they could go to the abandoned classroom they always went to to dance together after he'd answered her questions.

She'd been so lost in thoughts, that she hadn't realised she already arrived at the ravenclaw common room.

And then it hit her: she didn't know how to enter. Moreover, she didn't know if she was allowed to enter altogether.

"Do you want to go in?"

An airy voice startled Kaycee out of her thoughts. Quickly, she looked in the direction the voice came from and saw a girl around her age, with long strawberry blond hair and a dreamy expression on her face. The Hufflepuf nodded, she hadn't found her ability to speak yet, still trying to recover from the shock of someone seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"If it was my decision, I'd let you enter, you seem like a genuinely nice person. Unfortunately, only Ravenclaws are allowed to enter, and if I'm not mistaken, you're a huf-- wait a minute! You're Kaycee, aren't you? Sean Lew's friend? I saw him this morning, he was complaining about the fact that he couldn't just dance with you, instead of going to professor Snape's class. I guess you're here for him? I'll make an exception for you, and I'll show you how to enter, listen closely!"

The rambling girl smiled at her and began enthousiastically explaining to her how to enter. Kaycee couldn't contain her smile either.

"This eagle knocker asks a different riddle every day. If you answer the riddle correctly, you are allowed to enter. If not, you have to wait until someone solves it for you. It's as simple as that!"

Kaycee wanted to answer the girl, but the Eagle already cut her off:

What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?

Kaycee wracked her brain, trying to understand the riddle, but she didn't get it...someone behind a computer who talked to people around the world with the help of the internet? But a computer was a muggle object, surely the knocker wouldn't ask something like that, would it? She turned her head towards the other girl, who was watching her with a mild smile on her face. She wasn't laughing at Kaycee though, it was an encouraging kind of smile, and for that, she was the ravenclaw incredibly grateful.

"Can you help me please? I really don't know the answer...?"

The girl's smile became even brighter, and for some reason, she reminded Kaycee of herself. Her whole family always told her how her smile was her best characteristic, and it was the same with this girl.

"Of course! Anything for a friend! And the answer is a stamp."

The door opened, and the girl turned around to walk away, clearly just here to help the huffelpuf and not to enter herself."

"Wait- STOP!"

The blonde stopped in her tracks and shifted her attention towards Kaycee.

"I wanted to say thank you! And I don't know your name yet!"

"I'm Luna Lovegood. It was nice helping a new friend, Kaycee Rice. But now I really should get going. I promised the thestrals I'd visit them today. Bye!"

She didn't know who the thestrals were, come to think of it, she didn't even know if the thestrals were a group of who or what. But as she watched the quirky girl walk away, she realised that she was glad she made friends with someone like Luna. Someone who wouldn't only accept kaycee's weirdness, but also understand it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"SEAN CHARLES LEW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY I AM AT YOU RIGHT NOW!!"

Sean was sitting in the library. It was the 26th of decembre, and Hermione had been brought to the hospital wing after her 'makeover' yesterday. Sean felt guilty. Even though he hadn't really been responsible for Hermione's semi-transformation into a cat, he had been participating in their plan to get Harry and Ron into the Slytherin common room. His guilt made him come to the library, even though teachers didn't give them tests anymore. He wanted to find something to cure Hermione faster. The young ravenclaw knew madame Pomfrey was already doing everything in her power to make Hermione better as soon as possible, but trying to find a better cure seemed to ease the guilt just a tiny bit.

Hermione had been incredibly embarrassed yesterday, not even wanting to show him her face. She'd made them swear not to tell a soul about the incident, about how she looked, and the boys had all promised to keep their mouth shut.

But apparently, Kaycee had discovered her sister's condition.

And judging by the volume of her voice, Sean Lew was about to face her wrath.

In a library.

He tried to say something that'd stop her from making a scene in such a silent room, but no words came out of his mouth.

With blazing eyes, she hissed: "come outside. I need to talk to you. Right now."

And with that, she turned around and marched out of the library. Sean wasn't stupid. He didn't even think of dissobeying her. The scared boy immediately scooped up all the books that were scattered on the table, and followed her outside. As soon as both of his feet were outside of the library, she began her tirade once again.

"I am so incredibly dissapointed in you. I never thought you'd be so stupid. I thought you were nice, God, I thought we were friends, but apparently, I was wrong."

Sean's eyes widened. She didn't want to be his friend anymore? He knew she'd be angry with him when she'd discover what had happened with her sister, but breaking their friendship? Malfoy wasn't worth such a high price.

He didn't like the blonde Slytherin, much less trusted him, but if she wanted him to leave the ferret alone, he would.

For her.

"K-kaycee, I am so sorry...I know it was stupid of us to make that potion, but I swear I only joined because Malfoy had insulted Hermione. I mean, I don't want that to happen to her again, and I certainly don't want it to happen to you. I just wanted to protect the two of you. It was stupid of us, and I-I just hope you can forgive me. W-we're still....friends, right?"

Sean looked with his hopeful eyes in her angry ones. She didn't seem to be any calmer than before his speech.

It scared him tremendously.

"Don't you get it Sean? I'm not angry that you made that stupid potion or tried to enter that common room, I'm angry because you didn't tell me! If I'd be even a tiny bit important to you, you would've told me what you guys were doing all that time, but no, you leave me out of everything you do!! Why? Because I'm a year younger than you guys are? Seriously, I'm not a baby anymore, you can tell me things!!"

Kaycee sighed.

"Why do I even care? You clearly don't care about me. I'm not talking to you anymore."

She turned around, but Sean was quicker, terrified that she'd leave him alone.

He laid an arm on her shoulder, which made her stop in her tracks and turn around.

Sean felt his heart sink. He could handle an angry Kaycee, but the intensity her eyes held only moments ago was gone. Now, he only saw hurt and immense pain in those beautiful, big brown eyes.

It made his heart break.

"Please Kaycee, I'm sorry. Don't go. Talk to me."

But while he was looking into her eyes, he already knew her answer.

"We'll see about our friendship when Hermione gets out of the hospital. You really hurt me, Sean."

With that, she walked away again, and this time, he let her.

But it broke his heart all over again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spring

Sean Lew was absolutely desperate. Hermione had been in the hospital for weeks, and Kaycee had kept her word: she hadn't talked to him in 36 days and 14 hours.

And Sean was absolutely miserable without her.

It was still quite early in the morning, his roommates not bothering to get up anytime soon since it was a Sunday, but Sean had other plans. He'd visit Hermione today, just like the previous 37 days, but today, he'd also talk with his best friend about Kaycee. He needed Hermione's advice on this, he wanted to make it up to Kaycee, but had absolutely no idea how to begin with that.

Ignoring the cold that hit his body when he pulled te blanket off of him, he got out of his four poster bed and put some clothes on. After quickly brushing his teeth and putting on some shoes, he began walking towards the hospital wing.

His mind was filled with a million questions on his way there. How was Hermione doing? Would she be able to get out of the hospital wing soon? Would Kaycee talk to him after that, or still be stubborn? Would their friendship really end?

His mind was so busy with all those questions, that he almost walked right into the massive oak door of the hospital wing. Scolding himself for being so inobservant, he raised his hand to open the door, until a certain voice on the other side made him freeze.

"Come on, Kaycee. How long have you been avoiding him? Just admit to yourself that you are hurting because of this as well. It's pointless, Kayc. Why don't you just admit that you hate not being around him?"

Shit. Kaycee was visiting Hermione.

Some part of him wanted to get away from this situation as soon as possible, but another part of him was really curious about Kaycee's answer.

He stayed.

"I know, Hermione...I- I don't...He-"

Her voice clearly gave away her frustration.

"Can I tell you something really personal, Hermione?"

"Of course Kayc, I'm your sister, I'll always be there for you, and you know that."

"I never would've thought not talking to him would affect me so much. I thought it'd bother me a bit at first, but I'd get over it after a few days. But, really, I don't eat, I'm never hungry, and when I want to sleep, I constantly dream about him and wake up even more exhausted then when I went to bed...what do I do now, Hermione? I am getting desperate.."

Still wide-eyed from what Kaycee had told her sister, Sean tried to hear as much as he could from the conversation. He could hear a bit, but the thick wood of the door wasn't making it very easy.

Sean needed to hear more. He had missed her voice.

The 12 year old knew very well that it was a bad idea, but nonetheless, he opened the door only slightly, peeping through the crack he'd made.

He saw Hermione, who looked a lot healthier then she did a few weeks ago, sitting on her bed with her legs crossed. Then, his eyes shifted towards the other person in the room, and his breath hitched.

There she was, Kaycee Rice, long, curly hair hanging loosely around her shoulders, eyes big with worry, arms crossed over her body, as if to shield herself from the world.

"You solved your own problem, Kaycee, if you miss him so much, you have to talk to hi- Oh look who's there! Sean, come in! I think it's about time that you and my sister have a serious conversation!"

Shit. That didn't go as he'd planned.

Hesitantly, he made his way towards Hermione's hospital bed, looking at the ground, scared of making eyecontact with the 2 sisters.

"Hi, Sean"

It took only 2 words to change his mind. He looked up from the ground, and locked eyes with the girl he had missed more than anything he ever had in his entire life. Her eyes were big, and looked at him with more emotions swirling inside them than sean could count.

They didn't talk, didn't have to. The 2 of them just stared at eachother. They talked without words, their bond still strong enough to communicate by just looking at the other.

They understood effortlessly.

Sean saw the hurt in her eyes, but he also saw the hope. Hope, he realized, that they could fix whatever they'd broken a few weeks prior. Hope that their friendship would be as strong as before, if not stronger.

Hope that everything would finally be okay.

He prayed that she understood his eyes as well. That she understood how sorry he was, how much guilt he felt. How much he'd do to fix this.

And then suddenly, he saw something change in her eyes. It almost seemed like the last barrier, the last thing holding her back from forgiving him completely, crumbled.

And she did as well. Shaking, she put a few steps forward and fell into his arms, clinging to him. Her sobs made his sweater wet, and his teardrops landed on her hair.

They didn't care. All they felt was the other's presense, their warmth, the fact that the other was really there, was real.

They didn't know how long they stood there, just holding onto each other like their life depended on it. It could've been minutes, or hours, or days.

It didn't even matter.

"Ahem. I'm really happy that you guys, uh, talked, but if you don't want to get yelled at by madame Pomfrey, I'd make sure to get out of here. If she discovers I haven't had a chance to sleep in about 3 hours, she probably won't let me go tomorrow, and I don't want to lay in this bed a second longer than is necessary."

Sean had completely forgotten about Hermione, but something she'd said had caught his attention:

"You're allowed to leave tomorrow?"

Hermione gave him a bright smile and nodded.

"Yup. I can finally get back to class now!"

But that wasn't what Sean was concerned about. Sure, he was really happy for Hermione, she was his best friend after all, but he could only think about one thing: if Hermione was leaving the hospital tomorrow,  would Kaycee consider talking to him again?

He looked down at her, only to see that she was already looking up at him. She answered him verbally, knowing him well enough to understand what he was thinking.

"Of course I forgive you, Shamu. You still hurt me, but I talked with Hermione about it and I understand now that you didn't do it on purpose. So we'll continue our friendship from now on...if you still want to, that is..."

Her eyes grew worried towards the end of that sentence, and Sean didn't know if his heart was breaking or melting. He wanted to take away her doubts, worries, pain. And even though he really didn't know what he was feeling at this moment or what he was supposed to do in a situation like this, he just did what felt right.

He tightened his arms around her and gave her a light kiss on her forehead.

"Of course I still want to be friends with you, Ricebowl. I wouldn't want to trade our friendship for anything in this world."

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"Why are you packing your stuff already? We've only been in here for 2 hours!"

Kaycee was in the library with her sister. While her time in the library had been very productive - Hermione had made sure she was actually studying and not zoning out - she really wanted to get out of there and actually have some fun.

"Sean's almost coming. We agreed to watch the quidditch match between Hufflepuf and Gryffindor toge-"

"You ready Kayc?"

Both sisters turned their head and saw Sean. He had a bright smile on his face, clearly excited for the quidditch match, although Hermione secretly assumed it had something to do with the fact that he'd go somewhere with Kaycee.

Kaycee nodded her head, equally as excited, and stood up from her chair, ready to walk out of the library.

"Slow down guys, not so fast...Sean, where's the time you cheered for Gryffindor?"

Sean looked sheepishly at his best friend. He didn't really know what to say to that. Was she really that upset about him cheering for Hufflepuff? She didn't even like quidditch, or did she?

He didn't have to worry though, because Hermione giggled, and quickly reassured him that she was just making fun of him.

"I'm only kidding Sean, of course I'm not upset. Go have fun, I'll stay here and study a bit more. Maybe I'll come as well when I'm done here. But just so you know it, I'll cheer for my own house."

Sean and Kaycee both got a big smile on their face, glad that Hermione wasn't upset. They both knew very well that an angry Hermione was not so easy to deal with. And for some reason, it was so much more fun to do things when you knew your best friend or sister supported you.

So they waved goodbye to the Gryffindor, and off they went.

The walk to the quidditch pitch was filled with laughter. Kaycee realised that she really couldn't help but feel good whenever she was around Sean. He made her smile, made her a happier person, a better one.

Soon, the game began, and Kaycee couldn't have asked for a better afternoon. They both weren't that fierce about quidditch, but that wasn't really a problem. Whenever there wasn't a lot of action during the match, they'd both come up with crazy dancemoves they could try on a broom. Maybe they could even try a whole broom choreo in the future...

Time seemed to fly, and before they knew, the game had ended. The sun already began to set, and Sean and Kaycee decided it was time to go inside. The 2 students began walking towards the castle, and Sean grabbed her hand so they wouldn't lose each other in the mass of people. As soon as his fingers closed themselves around her palm, her palm heated up and weird sparks seemed to come off of it, but Kaycee shrugged it off, not really knowing what the feeling meant. Little did she know that these kind of things were something she would worry about a lot, a few years from now...

Even if she wanted to at 11, she didn't get the time to overthink those sparks, because professor McGonagall was standing in the middle of the still buzzing crowd, and she was coming their way.

Kaycee had an uneasy feeling that the grim expression on her face had nothing to do with the fact that the rest of the quidditch season had just been cancelled.

"Mr Lew, miss Granger, please come with me. I need to show you something very important."

She didn't say anything else, she just turned around and began making her way through the crowd.

Sean and Kaycee shared a worried glance. What was going on? What did professor McGonagall want to show them when they both weren't even in her house?

They entered the castle. Kaycee and Sean followed the professor blindly, staircase up, staircase off...until they arrived in the hospital wing.

Kaycee felt like an ice cold hand got a grip on her heart. All previous sparks Sean's hand had given her were gone, and they were replaced by shivers that went up her spine.

If professor McGonagall wanted both Sean and her to come with her to the hospital wing, it could only mean one thing: There was something going on with Hermione.

Nothing could've prepared Kaycee for what she saw when the curtains to Hermione's bed were opened.

There her sister laid, completely stiff, eyes wide open in terror, with a mirror laying in her still raised hand.

The cold fist around her heart tightened its grip, and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Her sister had been petrified.

She heard Sean's sharp intake of breath beside her only slightly, much less registering his hand around her shoulder, trying to comfort her, or the soothing words he tried to reassure her with. The only thing Kaycee's mind could register at the moment was the rigid form of the sister she was closest to.

"Breathe, Kayc, you need to breathe. Come on, let's sit down, I don't want you to pass out."

Sean led her to the two seat beside the bed, gently made her sit down and then sat down beside her himself.

"Now I know that you're scared Kaycee, but everything will be fine. Hermione's really strong, and we both know that. She won't give up so easily. Besides, there's a cure for this, professor McGonagall just said it, but I don't think you were really listening...it doesn't matter, I listened for the 2 of us. Anyway, this might look really scary, but it'll be okay, I promise. Don't be scared, I'm with you. Just please breathe."

Kaycee forced her eyes to look away from Hermione, and took a glance at Sean. She didn't know what she did to deserve him. They'd known each other for what? 11 months? And she was already attached to him like her life depended on it. He was the only one who could calm het down, the only one who could make her breathe.

"But Sean, aren't you scared? Your best friend is in hospital. You shouldn't have to worry about me.."

She wanted to look away, being ashamed all of a sudden, but Sean was having none of it.

"Nonsense Kaycee. Here's the thing: I am worried about Hermione, I really am, but I can't do anything to make her better right now. I can, however, let you calm down. You both mean a lot to me, and if I can't help one of you, I can at least make sure that the other one is safe and well."

The hand around her heart loosened its grip just a little bit, and while she was still worried sick, the panic wasn't paralyzing her anymore.

Kaycee knew full well that this situation was nowhere near good, but Sean's comforting hand and soothing words were registering now, and they made the world at least a little bit better.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summer

Sean Lew felt like the past few hours of his life were a movie he had been sucked into.

It had all begun a few hours ago, when he was walking under the first few warm sunrays of this year, trying to clear his head. He was just strolling around the lake, when Harry and Ron came towards him, all the while calling his name.

They had told him that they figured out where the chamber of secrets was.

He'd raised his eyebrows at first, not really believing them, they had been searching for a whole year after all, but when the two Gryffindors explained it to him - Hagrid and his spiders, the girl who was killed in the bathroom and Hermione's clue about the basilisk- it suddenly made sense.

The 3 of them had made their way back to the castle, forced professor Lockhart to take them to moaning Myrtle's bathroom and upon arriving there, had had a hurried conversation with the latter.

After that, Harry had opened the chamber by speaking parseltongue, and they'd all crawled through the opening. They knew they didn't have much time left. The writing on the wall, "her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever", was still engraved in all of their minds.

But then, Lockhart had begun being a thorn in the flesh, threatening to wipe their memories, and Sean had been scared that their plan to save 'her' from the chamber would've been in vain. Fortunately, Lockhart's spell had backfired and Ron had proposed to stay behind, which permitted him and Harry to continue their way through the previously hidden dungeons.

They came across a set of doors, and Harry had to use his ability to speak parseltongue a second time that day.

They went through the door, and arrived in the chamber of secrets.

On the other end of the chamber was a gigantic statue of Salazar Slytherin, and right in front of that laid a seemingly lifeless body.

Kaycee Rice's body.

This whole time, Sean had felt as if he was in some kind of movie, everything had happened in a blur, but now, standing there in that gigantic chamber, looking at the laying form of the girl, he felt as if an ice cold bucket of water had been thrown over his head.

That girl there was kaycee, not some random person, but the girl he had fun with, trusted, subconciously already loved.

He didn't hesitate, didn't think about the consequences of running through a room that had been locked for over 50 years. He just did it.

When he was close enough to her for his liking, he let himself fall on knees. His hands automatically went to her shoulders, gently trying to shake her awake. "Kaycee, please, wake up, we've got to get out of here."

"Oh believe me, she won't wake up."

Sean quickly turned around. In front of him stood a pale boy, black hair, Dark eyes, emotionless expression on his face. Whoever this boy was, Sean immediately took a dislike to him.

But Harry apparently didn't.

"Tom! Please help us! We've got to get out of here with Kaycee, please!!"

As Harry came closer to him and the pale boy, realisation dawned upon Sean.

This was the mysterious Tom Riddle, owner of the diary Harry had told him all about.

Tom didn't seem that affected by Harry's entreaties, he merely scoffed.

"How could you have survived Voldemort's attack on you as a baby?"

And suddenly, all pieces clicked together in Sean's head. He understood. In a fright, he looked over at Harry, only to see his friend with a confused expression on his face.

Sean knew he couldn't start yelling, he couldn't do anything now to warn Harry that he was talking to you know who. He just had to keep calm and try to get harry and Kaycee out of here before Tom Riddle could cause even more harm.

A cold, vicious laugh echoed through the chamber, and made Sean wake up from his previous thoughts.

"You don't get it, do you? Okay, let me help you, Harry"

The pale boy took out his wand and began writing something in the air with red, glowing letters.

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

Sean saw Harry's eyes widen, his head turning to him, looking at him with eyes full of terror. Sean tried to give Harry a look of reassurance, to tell him to stay calm non-verbally, but it just didn't work. As much as he loved Harry, they simply didn't have the same connection as he and Kaycee had.

There wasn't much time to communicate, however, because Tom Riddle began speaking again:

"You think I kept my filthy muggle father's name? No, I gave myself a new name, a name I knew people would fear once I became the greatest sorcerer of all time! "

It was at that moment that Sean's blood seriously began to boil. Not one muggle, or muggleborn for that matter, should be called filthy. Being a pureblood didn't make you a great wizard, muggleborns were just as good. And the fact that he had the nerve to call himself the greatest sorcerer of all time made Sean just forget his previous plan to keep his mouth shut.

"Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer of all time!"

Slowly, Tom Riddle tore his eyes away from Harry, and focused on the young Ravenclaw instead.

"And what gives you the right to talk to me? I don't think I've ever seen someone who looks like you in a book about pureblood families, which means that you're either a mudblood or a halfblood, and that means that I won't spend my precious time talking to you. Just go lay with your mudblood girlfriend or something."

Sean didn't think he had ever been this angry. He wanted to run to Tom, swing his fist in his face, spit at him, strangle him, but Harry took a hold of his arm before he had a chance to do anything. Tom Riddle, however, didn't pay much attention to the younger boy's sudden outburst. Instead, he simply turned his back towards them, and began speaking.

In parseltongue.

Harry turned, once again, to Sean, eyes even wider than a minute ago, if that was even possible, and this time, their communication went flawless.

Run.

But Sean didn't want to.

Harry seemed to have forgotten the curly-haired girl in all his fright, but Sean definitely hadn't. He had to keep her away from harm, at all cost.

And it wasn't even that he wasn't scared, 'cause he definitely was. He was terrified, frightened, panic-stricken, you name it, Sean felt it.

But loosing Kaycee would hurt so much more.

They should've known that there would follow something much worse than just the sissing sound of parseltongue, should've known that those kind of Dark things always led to other Dark things, but they weren't prepared for what came closer to them as a response on the parseltongue.

Out of nowhere came Salazar Slytherin's basilisk.

And the creature was ready to attack them.

Instinctively, Sean shuffled closer to Kaycee, trying to protect her. He was looking for something to defend himself with, but when he looked up, he saw that he shouldn't be scared for his own life.

He should be scared for Harry's.

The basilisk seemed to ignore him and Kaycee completely, diving to Harry as if he was the only one in the room.

"HARRY! COVER YOU EYES!!!"

His friend didn't turn around, but followed Sean's advice, thankfully.

Harry was blindly running now, seemingly not really caring where he was going, as long as it was out of the basilisk's eyesight. Just as Sean began to think about a plan to help the Gryffindor, he heard a long hoot.

He looked up. There, high up in the chamber, was Fawkes the Phoenix, with in his beak, the sorting hat.

Sean watched while the beautiful bird flew a few circles in the air, and then descended, letting the sorting hat fall near Harry's feet. He saw Harry looking at him from where he stood, a questional look in his eyes. Even though this wasn't the perfect moment to roll your eyes, Sean couldn't help it. Sometimes, when Hermione wasn't with them, Harry seemed to believe that Sean knew everything, just because he was a ravenclaw.

"I don't know! Pick it up! Maybe something's in there!"

Harry seemed to understand him, because he was already reaching for the hat, when an aggresive sounding hoot came from Fawkes. Harry, knowing that he couldn't look up if he didn't want to die, screamed at Sean:

"What's going on up there? You can look for me, he doesn't seem to notice you!"

Agreeing with the Gryffindor, Sean looked up, only to see the Phoenix dug his claws in what seemed to be the creature's eyes, or at least near them. He couldn't look directly in the basilisk's eyes, of course, but since the creature's back was turned to him, he didn't have to cover his eyes, which meant that he had a fairly good view on what was happening.

He was fascinated by the way Fawkes seemed to be absolutely livid. What made him come here? Maybe professor Dumbledore had sent h-

"SEAN! THERE'S A FREAKING SWORD IN THE HAT!"

Sean's eyes flew towards his friend, surprise probably quite noticeable in them. He figured that it wouldn't be a coincidence that Fawkes had taken the hat with him, but a sword? That was probably the best thing he  could've brought. He made a mental note to ask professor Dumbledore about all this later, when they came out of this chamber.

If they ever came out of it.

Trying to push down the anxiety that treatened to overtake him, he screamed back at Harry:

"GO ON! DEFEND YOURSELF! I'LL TRY TO GET KAYCEE OUT OF HERE!"

He saw his friend nodding, before taking the sword out of the hat and running towards the basilisk. Sean had to admire his bravery.

Quickly, he did as he had promised. He turned around to face the girl, ignored the pang in his chest when he noticed that she didn't look any healthier than she did a few minutes ago, and scooped her up, letting her rest on his shoulder. His arms were tightly wrapped around her legs, terrified he'd let her fall.

He stood up carefully, and began shuffling towards the other side of the room, crossing the distance he had run towards her once again. He made sure to stay close to the wall of the chamber, trying to be as unnoticeable as possible.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Harry, mainly trying to dodge the basilisk's strikes.

The third time the creature tried to hit Harry, however, Sean saw something change in his friend's posture. Harry seemed more confident, more prepared. Sean stopped in his tracks, it felt like he forgot how to move his feet.

Something was going to happen.

He was right. Something did happen. It all happened so fast, Sean couldn't really follow anymore. He saw the basilisk move, saw Harry move, and the next thing he knew, the sword of Gryffindor was pierced into the basilisk's beak, while Harry was laying on the ground.

And to top all that, Tom Riddle seemed to appear next to Harry out of nowhere.

"You'll be reunited with your mudblood mother soon, Harry."

Something about Tom's voice seemed to trigger something inside of Sean, something outrageous, violent, dangerous.

He knew he had to help Harry. He would do the same for him.

Even though he was livid, he found enough gentleness to lay Kaycee down on the floor slowly, careful not to let any parts of her body fall harshly.

Then, he rushed to the middle of the room, where Harry and Tom Riddle were.

Only when he came closer did he see the reason why Harry was laying down: a large fang pierced his skin.

Tom Riddle didn't do anything to stop the boy from coming closer to his friend, probably thinking that a 12 year old without magical parents couldn't be a threat.

Well, Sean would learn him not to underestimate 'mudbloods'.

"This is going to hurt a bit, sorry Harry", Sean said, while walking straight up to the two, not even acknowledging Tom, and therefore not giving him any time to react to Sean's sudden move.

Before Riddle or Harry could comprehend what was happening, Sean had crouched down, gripped the fang, and ripped it out of Harry's arm.

The poor boy gripped his arm, rolling up into a ball, grunting in pain.

Originally, Sean had only planned on getting the fang out of Harry's arm and finding a way to get out of here before Riddle could get to them, but now that he stood there, he noticed the diary, laying on the floor.

And suddenly, everything became crystal clear.

He gripped the fang with both hands, took a deep breath, and burried the fang in the diary.

The boys were shook to their core when Riddle let out an absolutely terrifying scream. They both looked at the young form of you-know-who, who seemed to get burned from the inside out by a bright light. First, only his chest lit up, but after a while, his whole body was glowing, until he exploded into into more than a thousand little sparks.

Sean let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

Tom Riddle was gone.

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Sean found himself sitting on the side of a hospital bed for the umpteenth time that year. Only this time, it wasn't Hermione laying in it, but Kaycee. Sean thought back to what had happened a few hours ago. He felt a shiver run up his spine and shuffled closer to the curly haired girl, still needing to convince himself that she was here, alive.

When they had come out of the chamber a few hours ago, Madame Pomfrey had immediately taken Kaycee with her. Sean had followed, begging the nurse to tell him in how bad of a state Kaycee was. After inspecting her for a few minutes, she had turned around to the boy and had given him a smile. She had told him that Kaycee would be fine, as long as she would rest enough. Sean had thanked Madame Pomfrey and had quickly rushed to the bedside, taking a hold of Kaycee's soft, but cold, hand.

And that's where he still was, a few hours later.

There was one thing he'd learned from this whole adventure, he decided. He and Kaycee had a special connection. He didn't know what it was, or where it came from, but it was definitely there. He'd felt it for the first time when the basilisk came out of it's hiding place. The first thing that had flashed through his mind, was that he had to keep her safe. He didn't know why, but he seemed to want to be close to her, whether that was to protect her or something else he didn't understand either. She was definitely something special.

After quickly looking around to check that the curtains surrounding her bed were closed, he acted on that instinct, shuffling closer to her and, after a moment of slight hesitation, gently lifting her head and placing it in his lap, so he could run his hands through her soft curls.

He didn't know what the future would be like for them, didn't know where they would be 10 days from now, let alone ten years.

But all that wasn't important at the moment. Right now, she was in his arms, safe and well.

And that was all that mattered.

[drkcnry67]

you always save me let me save you

title:  you always save me let me save you

kink square filled: bed sharing

dark square filled: ritualistic sacrifice

Heaven & Hell square filled: enochian

ship: Dean x reader

rating: 14+

tags: ritual, sacrifice, bed sharing, death, enochian branding, 

summery (if applicable): its a surprise….

word count (if applicable):

created for @spnkinkbingo @spndarkbingo @heavenandhellbingo

“this is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, but your only job is to make sure i can’t get back inside after this goes down. i should have told you sooner but i love you Dean, i love you so much! your the only one who will understand this: but i havent seen anyone who cares so much about me since forever. your only task is to make sure i can’t do anything to hurt anyone. you have always had these words, you have always had my love, my heart. i believe & trust you to do the right thing. all my love, Y/N.”

this was the right thing, you place the note on your nightstand, taking your hand held, back pack & quietly walking out of the bedroom, out of the bunker carrying your shoes.

Y/N: “i hope he forgives me… but i’ll save his life if its the last thing i ever do.”

you got to the garage placing your shoes on your feet you got into the impala, and moved forward with your plan.

your initial plan included:

·         taking the impala

·         making your way as far from the bunker as possible

·         briniging supplies, everything you need for the ritual…

this ritual in particular was gonna help you with your plan to stop Michael and put him in his place once and for all.

things that are required for this ritual are as follows:

·         oil blessed by a priest

·         the blood of the one whose life by the evil threatened

·         blood of the person whose body to take in the entity

·         matches to ignite the oil

·         a chant to envoke the spell to switch Dean’s role with yours…

·         then sharing a bed with Dean, not necessarily having sex but just being in the same bed as him is what will or should finish the spell anyway…

sharing a bed with Dean, that would only happen if Dean understood your note and only if he got to you in time. of course this was the hardest task you had ever take on in your life.

this had to be done, this had to be done to save Dean’s life… to save the life of the man you loved.

of course you hadnt told dean of your feelings, but something inside you never ever feared that anything might tear you away from Dean, not before you even got the chance to tell him of your feelings, got to have your first kiss, to be with the one person who made you feel like you were worth something…

you kept driving thoughts swirling round in your head… everything that you had done, hunting & doing what you could to save the world, you werent gonna let your legacy be a bunch of heroics not without the most amazing heroic of self-sacrifice…  

this of course would be achieved thru the ritualistic sacrifice you would be performing in the small motel room you would soon be checking into…

you drove for another several hours… you even picked up small momentos to leave in the impala… your phone at that moment started blowing up with worried texts and calls… ALL FROM DEAN!

you finally stopped the impala in the nearest motel parking lot just as another call was coming through…

you finally answered it:

YN: “Dean.”

all you could hear for a few moments was heavy breathing…

Dean: “i’m freaking out… where are you? tell me so cas can send me there?”

YN: “i’m in Wyoming at a small motel… the ritual has to be done in a place full of extreme amounts of power.”

Dean: “there is only one motel that i know of in Wyoming. what’s your room #?”

YN: “i havent checked in yet… i am sitting in the impala in the parking lot.”

the line went dead as it no longer was just you in the impala, Dean appeared beside you.

Dean: “hey.”

It was enough to send you over the deep end.

YN: “i’m so sorry, i shouldn’t have taken off like that. i mean lets be honest it was stupid…”

Dean: “lets check in first, then continue this conversation.”

Dean made his way out of the impala, he went to the motel office, checking you guys in & smiling as he walked back to the impala.

Dean: “come on lets go…”

Dean grabs the bags & comes to your door… he stretched his hand to you, you took it, you knew it felt right…

YN: “thank you. Dean you always come after me… you always save me… Please this time let me save you…”

Dean: “you shouldn’t have to take this burden, please we can find another way…”

you & Dean entered the room, the flooding concern on your face.

Dean settled in pretty fast, but you locked the door, starting to lay out everything for the ritual. your  concern at that moment was on how Dean was gonna react when he would find out, that he would soon think you were dead. 

Dean: “whats the 2 viles of blood for?”

the answer for that was easy, but you werent sure what was gonna come out of your mouth.

YN: “Dean, one vile is yours… one is mine… they are needed for the rite of transference…”

Dean: “rite of transference, YN that sounds dangerous.”

YN: “once i do this next part we can try to relax… look Dean i know your not 100% okay with this, but its gonna be alot better if we just let this go the way i have always planned…”

Dean: “how long have you been planning this?”

YN: “couple months…”

Dean: “but that would mean you have been planning this ritual since we found out that i’m the michael sword…”

you nod laying out the chant & preparing yourself for this ritual, this new step in your journey…

YN: “dean look when i founnd out about you being the Michael Sword, your safety became my instant concern… take a seat, im about to get this part over with…”

you stayed seated where you are, and Dean decided to just sit on the bed… you were now ready to do the ritual. it went something like this…

·         you pour the blood viles both in front of and opposite you.

·         keep your breathing consistant.

·         lay out the circle of blessed oil

then you begin the chant…

“Quaeso ut mihi vera Michahel archangelus sententia vadum take vas, quo veniat in translatione ritus, verum modo est vas iis erat ritus transitus fiat effective Dean Wintoniam ad me statim!” 

(roughly translated: I envoke the archangel Michael thou shall take me as thine true vessal, I invoke  the rite of transference, I now transfer rite of true vessel from Dean Winchester to me effective immediately)

now came the hard part, waiting for Michael to come down & kill you to complete the ritual. the sacrifice was a necessary part to complete the ritual. 

Dean: “now what? nice latin pronounciation by the way…”

YN: “thanks. now we wait…”

Dean comes and helps you get off of the floor. your hands linger within his for a while. Dean is the one that pulls away but his stare lingers at your own gaze as well. 

Dean: “well how bout we lay down and wait?”

YN: “we could also turn on the TV… maybe…”

but before you could finish your sentence you froze, you were so scared… but instead of finishing your sentencee something else came out…

YN: “im in love with you!!!”

Dean: “your what?”

YN: “im in love with you Dean Winchester!”

Dean’s reaction was immediate… Dean came up to you, cupped your face & kissed you.

at that moment it was easy, your only concern is how messed up this has made you feel. kissing dean is one thing, but he probably wouldnt want to kiss you if he knew you were lying… 

you guys fell back on the bed, but there wasnt anything holding you back except for the fact that in the morning you would be dead, while the sacrificial timer sets everything in place.

Dean pulls back and moves a piece of hair from your face.

Dean: “we don’t have to do anything tonight, that your not comfortable with.”

you had to think hard about this, but you knew it wouldn’t be right to have sex while lying to the love of your life…

Dean un-wrapped his arms from you slightly, his gaze never for a second leaving yours.

Dean: “how bout sharing my bed with me tonight???”

YN: “i would like to do tyhat but can i please wear one of your muscle shirts please?”

Dean gets up &went to his bag grabbing out his black muscle shirt and handing it to you as he is smiling helping you off the bed.

Dean: “get changed beautiful…”

you took the shirt & happily skipped to the bathroom. it was a happy moment.. although you physically were happy, emotionally you were about 5 sections from being okay…  you were about to probably die in your sleep, but also on top of that you were still lying to the love of your life…

finishing putting on the shirt, you exit the bathroom to find Dean but a few steps from the bathroom door. Dean was just standing there probably checking hs messages. you silently placed the clothes on the ground and silently lept at him, his muscles tensed beneath you, but at you knocked him flat on the bed and you landed beside him standing the power went out. 

NOW IT WAS BATTLE ROYALE!

if you thought Dean was scary on a hunt, he was even more scary when playing a game of cat and mouse in the dark in a small confined motel room. you got worried when your eyes adjusted to the darkness and didnt see Dean in yur direct line of sight. 

You slowly crept out of the nook you were crouched in. you took a lok around the room. it wasnt till you got into the bathroom that you took one look, turning to the door and about to walk out when you felt something behind you almost stalking you. 

you walked a few more steps and wasnt surprised when strong arms surrounded you from behind and pulled yu down onto the bed, pinning you flat on your back.

Dean: “nice try sweetheart…”

YN: “what makes you think i didnt win already… i got what i wanted… i finally have confirmation that you love me too… now are we gonna lay down proper and cuddle till we fall asleep or are you gonna just hold me down till this unexpected power outage passes.”

Dean got off of you for 2 seconds going round flicking every light switch he knew you guys had turned on, while you backed up on the bed, into more of a reasonable position.

Dean: “how would you prefer we rock tonight?”

YN: “i’d just prefer you hold me and we just cuddle and relax. my senses are kinda haywire. is that okay with you?”

Dean crawls in beside you and holds his arms out for you, which you enter willingly feeling Dean place a kiss to your forhead.

Dean: “as long as your not going anywhere i’m okay with whatever you want to do.”

YN: “you know Dean i was thinking about this on my drive here, i didnt know that you would actualy come after me i didnt realize that you coming after me was gonna change my outlook on my supposed future. i’m sorry i ran off, im sorry i did this ritual, im sorry that i wanted to be the one to save your ass instead of you saving mine.”

Dean pulled your chin to look at him.

Dean: “i understand why you did all that and more so i am not mad at all because had you not run off with leaving a note, i wouldnt have known about this you could have been seriously hurt or worse. i wasnt gonna loose the one thing that makes me keep living. i dont mind if once in a while you save my life as long as you never ever decide to do something stupid again.”

YN: “no promises hunters make stupid decisions every single day. i recall you making a few of those stupid decisions.”

Dean: “okay missy, we dont talk about those times alright. now shut up and kiss me. let our kisses flood this night with passion. till sleep overtakes.”

your lips met Deans in a ferverous passion, the energy from that overtook you both, nothing crazy happened per to a discussion you both had earlier but eventually you both were cuddled and asleep. 

Michael dropped in silently, he witnessed the sight of you in the arms of Dean while this sight displeased him it also had the potential to make his vessel to be stronger than not.

Michael stood in the pentagram on the floor where you did the ritual and held his hand out toward you.

“"Mea ad tempus, et tempus tuam, hoc est, quam operatur in me Michael Brand tibi signum a angelis, in II huius signum est quod aliis in vita euacuabit te perdere illos qui quaeris tibi. Michael iam non accipit verba vestra. Consummatum est!“

(roughly translated: its my time, its your time, this is how it works I Michael Brand you with the mark of the angels, this mark is on 2 others in your life this will ward you from those who will seek to destroy you. I Michael now accept your terms. It is finished!)

Michael with one wave of his hand and a few glances left as quickly as he had come in. before long it was dawn breaking through the window. Castiel had been standing out near the impala having sensed Michael in the area near you and Dean wanted to make sure nothing went wrong. 

it wasnt till Dean woke and started panicing shouting Cas’ name that made life all too real. for Cas appeared in the room to see Dean holding your lifeless form. 

Cas: “she did it didnt she… she did the rite of transference…”

Dean: “what do you know about what has happened to her?”

Cas: “Dean i need you to calm down before i explain because once i do i’m not sure it will be me you are angry at…”

Dean had to take a few moments to breathe deeply before nodding at cas to continue speaking.

Cas: “the rite of transferance although proven effective in transferring power from one to another its not without cost. the price of this rite was that YN had to kinda die while the spell set, in the same way when you died by hellhound all those years back to set you on the path of the angels and being the Michael sword she has to be set on the path in a similar way. there is only one way to bring her back but its tricky and ONLY YOU CAN DO IT.”

Dean: “what do i need to do.”

Cas snapped his fingers and teleported both your body and Dean to the door in between Heaven and Hell. where souls wander till they are shown where they are to go.

Dean: “where are we?”

Cas: “the door to the plain between Heaven and Hell, where souls of the newly dead wander till they are shown where to go. this is where YN should be, this is where you need to go in order to find her and bring her back to this door. bring her to the door and kiss her before you enter back through it both of you should return to your bodies.”

Dean looked at Cas when he finished his last sentance.

Dean: “should what do you mean should?”

Cas: “i mean things could go horribly wrong. this plain of existence is meant to show the person what life/future they could have had. kinda like a pre-way into their judgement day.”

there was one thing that crossed dean’s mind instantly.

Dean: “what will happen to me when i enter into this plain.?.”

Cas: “well you will basically not see your judgement day thing you will see a bunch of people standing around probably talking to themselves but  if all goes well the only one who should be able to see you is YN. once you find her you both need to get back to the door. the door is the safe zone. where she will gain a physical form and you can kiss her sending her too her body and you can walk back out the door. its as easy as that.”

Dean: “ok how will i know when its time to go through the door…”

Cas shrugged…

Cas: “you will have this urging feeling you will have this inkling, this nudging feeling inside your gut.”

Dean waited a few moments making sure that his handheld was ready before feeling something suddenly jump inside him. he took it as his cue to approach and go through the door. 

Cas: “good luck Dean i hope you both return intact.”

Dean nods and reaches to open the door, which succeeds and he steps through. he doesnt notice the door close behind him, instead is focusing on his footing and not bumping into anything or more importantly anyone.

keeping his handheld close he made his way through the path seeing many people on many benders, but the one he was looking for was not around. he then came across a sign post, a sign post which happened to have a map on it, of where every single person who resided there currently was placed. 

after  few moments of reading name after name he came across yours. Dean ran in the direction of the map which he had used your phone to take a photo of. upon arriving at your sight he happened to see you crouched in the corner surrounded by what he could only percieve as her greatest fears.

Dean just stood there and watched as the same fear played out a million times over. the fear that was tormenting you was the day Dean died, the day he was mauled by a hellhound, you had been rescued a month before that day. 

on that day, you were so angry and upset but the weird thing was that you shattered the windows and cracked the floor and walls with your voice. Sam later had found out that you were able to do that cause you havee a sirens voice pattern.

your only greatest fear was that you would somehow be controlled by something bad. that explained so much to Dean, that explained why you were so cautious and paranoid. 

Dean now seeing that entire fear played out happened to make him just clear his throat, he watched your tear/fear filled eyes slowly move to look at him. You got up off the ground and ran straight at the person who has made your life better than expected.

YN: “how are you here? wait are you here cause your… please tell me your not…”

Dean: “no im not i was told to come after you, your under the remnants of a sleeping curse of sorts. come with me and we can go back home together. Cas will also examine you for damages and right now we need to get out of here, this is the roadway too judgement day.”

YN: “i didnt know id end up here while the spell takes effect but i guess thats what happened. anyway lets go… get out of here and see if Michael Branded me.”

Dean and you run hand in hand back up the path, towards the door, Dean and you stop at the door. 

Dean: “ok cas said i have to kiss you right here sending you back to your body, then i have to walk through the door. but hun listen to me if i get bck through that door and something goes wrong again, i swear we will figure out a way for you not to go to hell, to not be tethered to Michael, so i don’t have to loose you. now lets send you back and find out if Michael Branded you.”

Dean at that moment leaned in to kiss you, a spark of light energy flowed out of your kiss. you began to fade, you began to go back to your own body. to which Dean didnt back off or open the door till you were fully gone. 

Dean then opens the door and breathes a huge intake of air, like he was coming to life once again. at that moment you wake up in your own body, your eyes adjusting to the surroundings, but your eyes landed on the forms of Cas & Dean which made you get off the ground.

Dean: “i’m glad your back. when i woke up and you didnt, it scared the living hell out of me. what was i supposed to do… why didnt you tell me about this ritual? bout you dying to set it in place?”

YN: “cause i couldnt do that to you, cause it was my burden to bare…”

Cas: “im afraid that when Michael paid you a visit last night, he branded you with enochian markings. invisible to humans but visible to angels.”

Dean: “where are these markings?”

Cas grabs a piece of tree bark off a tree and places the bark over you where your ribs would be, for which Cas waves his hand over the bark making kind of an xray image appear on the Bark. Cas then turns the Bark around to face you, you and Dean just stared at it.

Cas: “its enochian... Michael branded YN’’s ribs with enochian warding, meaning that only me and Michael can find YN no other angel or demon can.”

Dean: “well this will be something of a rare thing... this will also be something to behold. this means she is safe. this means she will be a badass secret weapon.”

Cas: “exactly... now lets get out of here before we loose anyone else.”

with that you, Dean and Cas all went back to the bunker. this was now the time to pick your next move.