#it’s so imperative 😭
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Alright. Let’s get into this concert “review.”
First of all y’all. I legit have no words. I’ve been to a Beyonce show before in 2018. OTR II was amazing, and the fact that I got see Beyonce AND Jay Z (one of my favorite rappers of all time) was just….insane.
But last night? It really is hard to put into words. When I say that show was perfect from top to bottom? PER. FECT. I didn’t take much video bc I just wanted to be in the moment and savor what I knew was gonna be an experience I’d remember forever. I’ll give a short breakdown tho.
Vocally she is unmatched. I’m sorry. The effortlessness of her “opening act” where she did most of her ballads was phenomenal. LA actually had a true opener (DJ Khaled), but she is her own opening act for most of the tour and she slays. Then you enter the Renaissance portion and she’s doing everything she did vocally but while dancing her ASS off. Who else is doing it like her?!
VISUALLY everything is stunning. The stage, the actual visuals going on on the screen, HER. Her dancers, her band, her background singers. Tens across the board. Everyone looks amazing and sounds amazing. And you can tell she hired the best of the best for every single aspect of her show. Sound, lights, crew, performers. Everyone was on their A-game.
Anyway. The show was outstanding. She literally performed the whole album bc LA got the coveted “thique/all up in your mind/drunk in love (with the Dubai ending) trifecta. 🥲
I’m also sure she was filming that show and we’ll see it in whatever concert film/documentary/visuals she’s working on for this era. Cannot wait.
Lastly. Full look last night. Thanks for hyping me yall. 🥲
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"sister imperator won’t call copia his title because she doesn’t want to give him an ounce of respect/power!!!!!!!" she won’t call him by his title because she was bouncing on nihil’s dick while calling him papa and she does NOT need to associate copia with that
#was reminded of this post that i made and deleted a while ago so. i will try again i suppose#SHE LITERALLY SAID THAT THE WORD PAPA WAS PEVERSE LIKE HOWWWWWWW ELSE ARE YOU GUYS TAKING THAT#sister did NOT think that through when promoting cardi#like arguably this is something copia is on the same page as her on😭 “because of the old guy??” he does NOT want to think about it too hard#ugh some of the shit you guys use against sister is so funny like girl use your brain……….#the way she giggles and calls nihil papa in the call chapter like GUYS………#ghost#sister imperator#ramblings
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Mihawk: You’re being a child.
Shanks (on shot what? of gin) : You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Dracule. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you?
Mihawk:....
Shanks: A Pedophile.
Mihawk:……
Shanks (drinking the gin bottle dry) : And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert.
Mihawk: ……..😑
Safe to say that Shanks is no longer allowed to drink gin. Because, As it turns out, spirits turn him into a bit of a mean drunk
#Shanks being a slightly mean drunk when drinking spirits didn’t come to me till I felt taht this was all a little meaner than he’d ever be#but now I’m holding onto it with my everything I’ve got because yes!#it is imperative that shanks so much as doesn’t touch a spirit unless he turns into the snidest meanest grumpiest drunk ever#but not angry abusive drunk more the heckler muppets mean#or a lite Peter griffin#anyway this joke from family guy never fails to make me laugh the seriousness with which he says it insane 😭#one piece#one piece incorrect quotes#throwing thoughts to the void#dracule mihawk#op#hawkeye mihawk#mishanks#akagami no shanks#incorrect quotes#akataka#shanks#red haired shanks#red hair shanks#incorrect one piece#mihawk x shanks#one piece shitpost#one piece funny#one piece meme#incorrect op
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Gar: This is all fa-
Dick: *snaps awake*
Gar: -ke! Huh….that was easier than I thought.
(JLA/titans #1)
#the technis imperative#dc#dick grayson#Garfield Logan#Wally west#dick and titans#competent dick#so little prompting too#so dreamy#raven#leader dick#him checking on if they’re safe#😭
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You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
#oh i love them 😭#galadriel#babydoll#imperator furiosa#furiosa#pretty effective quote. not sure it relates to galadriel tho#hi it's me again in the galadriel and sucker punch tags#friedrich pose#it's funny. my own blog says that last tag doesn't exist. wtf are u doing blog#just saw it on another mmfr post... is it bc i came up with it#the rings of power#rings of power#sucker punch#mad max fury road#mmfr#trop#rop#morfydd clark#emily browning#charlize theron#can't remember which episode of trop this is so i could tag the director. damn#zack snyder#george miller#favourite edits
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Earlier today I was so glad to no longer be in school but it has just dawned on me that if I'm not in a class I'll have no classmates to be impressed by how smart I am
I can't answer all the teachers questions if there's no teacher
No one will even know im smart. This is GUT WRENCHING
#personal post#PUT ME BACK IN SCHOOL I NEED TO MAINTAIN MY EGO#whos gonna be impressed by me now????#no one! no one is going to be impressed by my nerdy fun facts!#i cant finish the homework before the teachers finished teaching THERE IS NO HOMEWORK#someone give me homework 😭😭😭 (please dont i hate it)#i dont have an English teacher to tell me im soooo smart because i know big words like “imperative”#and give me near perfect grades on essays i wrote#and i dont have any near perfect graded essays to “humbly” declare should've been graded lower to my fellow classmates#(i also am not forced to read actual literature so im probably going to lose my smarts over time as i don't excersize it)#(my mental capabilities are dwindling before my eyes as time escapes me and im too lazy to stop it)#(this is hell)
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FUCK
#the band ghost#frater imperator#copia#IM GONNA THROW UPPPP#I’M SO ANXIOUS#BUT I ALSO MISSED MY BABY 😭😭😭😭
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-`. 𝖚𝖗𝖑 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖊 ❦
-ˋˏ .·:·. ⊱ indorilnerevarine ➵ THEDEADTHREE ⊰ .·:·. -ˋˏ
-`. baldur’s gate has my psyche and soul at the moment so in honor of that and the dearest (un)holy trinity i thought it would be cute to do a change as it’s been a bit!
-`. 𝖒𝖚𝖙𝖚𝖆𝖑𝖘 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖜𝖊𝖑𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖗𝖊𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖌 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘! ❦
#url change ♡#leg.txt#url change !!!!!!!!!! url change! yay!!!!!! <3#i am also at a con rn it’s been the loveliest 🥀✨🥹#this has been in my drafts for a bit i wasn’t ready to let go yet 🥀✨🥺 but eeek i did it!#i will for sure return to the indorilnerevarine url one day the bestie and dearest protag will always have a special place in my heart <3#and mutuals y’all are also always welcome to @ me or dm me things y’all make which may also be easier as my flea brain misses a lot 🥀😭✨#tes always on my heart always on my mind <3 ye olde comfort hyperfixation!!!!!!#i will reblog this a few times for the morning and evening and besties <3#THANK YOU THANK YOU THE POLL BESTIES I TRULY OWE YOU ALL MY LIFE 🥀🥹#i love it iloveitiloveit I LOVE IT its such a lovely and i LOVE it 🌸💕🥹#like i was so so so happy that it was open as a url EEEEEK#but teehee bg brainrot has such a vice grip on me and envyana have the braincell <3#I AM SO SO CLOSE TO THEM REUNITING I FEEL IT I SENSE IT IN MY SOUL RAHHH I AM GOING TO BE THE MOST NORMAL ABOUT THEM !!!!!!!!#i have so many thoughts MANY MANY i need to yell about them !!!!!! it is imperative!#(mo if i bolt onto discord screaming when they reunite SIZJZJZH 🥀💀)#(and besties and mutuals i am always happy to yell on here or on discord about bg3 🥀🥹😌 !!!!)
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oh my god this is so exciting
#theyre not even on court yet and im buzzing#theyre both decrepit 😭😭 but rafa it is imperative that u win this. for so many reasons#tennis
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goofballin on a sunday<3
#to that anon earlier it’s been pushed to today rn just bc I missed it friday…I need to get back to my roots#who knew a lil goof off sesh inspired by some good ol coyg would be so fun…not me#but fr it’s imperative for me l like every day is soooo serious n adult like n responsibilities etc etc….lemme let loose be a silly goose😭
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.
#it is IMPERATIVE that i do not chew on my nails or cuticles today!#tomorrow i'm getting gel extensions for the first time ever#because i want to break this habit and stop having ugly weird hands lol#so i don't want them any more fucked up than they already are before a professional sees them 🫣#my wife is like ur too gay for nail extensions and i'm like IT'S TEMPORARY OKAY#just for a couple months! ive been biting my nails my WHOLE LIFE#so i DESERVE to break this habit once and for all lol#and maybe I'm too gay for extensions but more importantly I'm too old for these chewed up nails 😭#and i have two small children taking example from me so i really need to stop#i'm not getting talons anyway. i don't think it's even possible to put a long extension on my currently tiny nail beds lol#theyre gonna be short and cute#just extended to normal person length and not 'have been shortening my nail bed for decades' length#anyway i'm writing about this to really drill into my brain that i CANNOT FUCK UP MY NAILS TODAY
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80s nihil was super into jazzercise and 80s Imperator was super into kickboxing. yes, they would carpool to the gym together. yes, nihil wears extremely short shorts that hug his ass. yes, they’re still divorced. yes, they will be making out all sweaty in the back of imperator’s car before they head back to the abbey.
#thought about old nihil and imperator walking around with those little weighted wrist/ankle bands and my stomach hurts from laughing#seeing mr alan’s shirtless pics warped my perception of old nihil SO bad because what the fuck do you mean that’s under those robes😭😭#ghost#sister imperator#papa nihil#text
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i don’t normally notice what i learn from foreign language music or shows or social media posts but today two girls from my spanish class and i did a study session and several of the things we looked at i was like oh my god i picked that up from stuff i saw on twitter or ooh i learnt that from an argentinian band i found on tiktok. basically i highly recommend💀
#we were going over imperatives#and i’m more or less alright with them like there’s a few irregular ones that i tend to doubt myself on but#on the whole i get it cos my A level teachers explained it well#but i thought i might as well go for the sake of socialising#and cos i knew i knew the rules to it so i could maybe help them#but yeah it turns out my knowledge comes from social media💀#made me feel good though cos they were saying how i always seem to know so much dhsjdhdj#one of them was saying like ooh we’re finding out all your secrets about to how you’re so good at spanish😭#also the page we looked at explaining it included vos which surprised me#i’m not used to vos being included in general conjugation stuff#as you can probably guess that’s what i learned from the argentinian band😭#how to use voseo#which i absolutely adore btw it makes so much sense#langblr#spanish#spanish langblr#language learning
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woah clay post hit 1000 cool that everyone enjoys Bite Cup. my fav tags on it r when people have said like "i want to do this" or "this opened my mind up to possibilities" or "this reminds me of how much fun i had in high school art" LIKE YESSSS!!! SOMEYHING I MADE MADE PEOPLE THINK THAT. I LOVE TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO DO DO WEIRD ART AND THINGS THEY LIKE
#alex talks#EVERYONE should make bite marks in clay it is imperative.#two people said they want that cup or they'd buy it which is crazy to me bc ppl want something i made??? and also ppl want it despite the#experimental random things i did to it before i bit it 😭 SORRY i'm just so focused on those dots i can't stop thinking about them
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Wonderful! I enjoyed this so so much. I truly had no idea what would happen next throughout reading and I love when that happens. So many moments where I was like o m g !!!! This feels so unique and special! Ahhhhh I loved it🩷🩷
Hummingbirds
~5.2k words
From me: Based on a song of the same name--you'll see the lyrics in a moment. You'll need to suspend your belief a bit. I'm not sure everything makes perfect sense, but. Some of this story takes place through emailing and I didn't have a good method for this. So bold will be Harry's emails. Pink writing will be hers.
Warnings: angst, fluff, anger honestly just fluffy. second chance love
Summary: Harry has been angry for a really really long time. Only one person ever made him confront his anger.
“Eli, baby, we have to go!”
Harry could hear her from outside. He smirked, sipping his tea while he waited for Buddy to do his business. The air was crisp just like October should be. Decorative spider webs lined the front porch and the flower bushes in front of it. He was utterly pleased with his life. So completely happy.
“Mommy! I can’t find my dinosaur sneakers!”
“I don’t know how to spell it,” Evie frowned. “I’m going to fail!”
“Just do your best and practice, my love. I believe in you,” she assured as she zipped her backpack up at the doorway and stuffed her feet into the slip-on sneakers by the door. They make me feel old, she told Harry. They’re the perfect shoes for a busy Mum, he assured her. And I think y’look hot wearing them.
“Eli, honey!” She called back. “They’re here by the front door!”
Harry couldn’t stop smiling. “How lucky am I, Buddy?” He asked shaking the leash slightly. The dog turned to him and then tugged him around the yard looking for the right spot; totally unaware or unaffected that Harry had the best life there was to live.
“I-M-P-E-R-U-T-I-V-E.”
“Close, baby girl,” she smiled encouragingly. “It’s an A, not U.”
She looked miserable as she stepped off the porch. Evie approached Harry while his wife bent to help Eli with his sneakers. “I’m going to fail, Daddy.”
He chuckled at the little nine-year-old. Crouched to her height twirling the leash tight around one hand. He straightened her little hair bow on the side of her head, pinning her hair back to one side. He kissed her forehead. “Mummy said y’were close. Y’did a great job. Y’jus’ have t’remember there’s an A,” he reminded her and then pinched her cheek gently. “Like the grade you’re going t’get, right?” He winked at her.
Evie’s sweet eyes lit up with new hope. She turned to the pretty woman at the door holding Eli’s hand to usher him quickly out of the house now that his shoes were securely on his feet. “Mommy! Did you hear what Daddy said to help me remember?”
She grinned so beautifully; it melted him. The center of his chest felt deliriously warm. It felt equivalent to being snuggled under a blanket with her, warm and close while it snowed outside their house. The kids drinking hot chocolate at the coffee table and a movie playing in the background.
It was unbelievable she was all his. “What did Daddy say, Evie?” Eli held onto her hand tight while he jumped from the second to last step of the porch while Evie explained the A she was going to get. “Well, I guess you inherited your smarts from Daddy, hmm?” Which was unequivocally a joke. She was a hundred times smarter than him. Or at least it felt that way. But he loved her so much for never making him feel less than. She was good at that. It was impossible to feel less than in her presence.
She was good at everything. Her job, being a wife, but perhaps his favorite thing, she was a tremendous mother. Something he knew she would be good at, but not to the extent he witnessed on a daily basis. Eli hurried to Harry and Buddy petting the dog’s head and giggling when he licked his face. Harry kissed the top of his head and gave his little body a squeeze. “What smarts?” Harry asked.
She rolled her eyes as she finally approached her family. “You’re plenty smart, baby,” she shook her head with a gentle smile. The two kids that looked like the perfect combination of them went to her car and climbed into their respective seats. Harry wrapped his free arm around her back and pulled her to his side. He kissed her temple, nosing along her hairline.
“Not as smart as m’beautiful wife,” he reminded her. She laughed.
“I love you.” She tilted her head up for a kiss which Harry never let her wait for.
“I love you,” he grinned into the kiss.
“Ew!” Eli called.
“Mommy, let’s go!” Evie was eager to get to school and ace her spelling test.
“Bye Daddy!” Eli shouted. She gave his cheek a final peck and she headed across the yard to take their kids to school. “See you at my soccer game!”
“Hey kitten?” He called.
“Yeah?” She asked over her shoulder.
“M’a lucky man t’have you,” he reminded her.
She shook her head, laughed. “Me too, baby. Luckiest girl in the world to have you.”
The second her door closed behind her a swarm of hummingbirds fluttered so loudly into the yard. Seemingly out of nowhere. The noise of their wings was unbelievable. A dull roar. It was hundreds of the little birds, and she paid no mind to them as she started her car. Buddy didn’t care about the intrusion either. Even the kids were indifferent. “Are y’seeing this?” He called out to her. He blinked curiously when she didn’t respond. “What’s with all the—”
*
I had a dream last night / we were married in that house you always talked about / you were rushing to get the kids to school / packing their lunches, reviewing their spelling words / it was hummingbirds
Harry’s heart was beating like he had just finished a workout. His skin felt clammy. The sheets were wrapped too tightly around his legs. He groaned as his alarm vibrated to the same hum of the birds in his dream. The music playing alongside the vibration made him grumpy. “What the fuck?” He whispered and smacked the song off. He wished he could go right back. Did Evie pass her test? Did Eli score a goal?
Did she still love him the way he dreamed about?
*
Dr. Hendren listened to Harry’s dream but very much already knew the ending. It was the same as all his dreams with the house and the girl that he had been hearing for ten years.
“Harry,” the doctor said gently as he watched Harry on his screen. “Do you know what hummingbirds symbolize?”
“No,” Harry was grumpy. He always was after a dream that was so real so lifelike. It wasn’t fair. He just wanted her back. Wanted to see her. Wanted to know.
“Healing.” Dr. Hendren was quiet while Harry processed that. He worked his jaw, swallowing, and flexing it as he tried to get the words to come out. His body felt tense. Like he was trapped inside a box that was too small. That didn’t seem right. He didn’t feel like he was healed. He was still frustrated most of the time. Work was a minor distraction, and the loneliness was crippling at times. The only reprieve was dreaming of that pretty girl he knew so many years ago.
Why did it have to be her? She didn’t deserve Harry and his bad attitude. She already suffered through it for two years at a time when life should have been fun, lovely, sweet. They were kids and Harry was an ass. He never even said he loved her back then.
“Don’t you think,” Dr. Hendren continued quietly, and Harry knew what he was going to say. “You’ve been quiet long enough about what you want?” He shrugged. “Harry,” he tutted.
“I wasn’t a good boyfriend.”
“You were a kid.”
“She deserved more.”
“Then tell her. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t want to talk to you and you’ll have some closure and you can stop dreaming about it.”
Harry remained silent, looking around his empty apartment. He took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright. I’ll reach out to her.”
“Harry,” Dr. Hendren said quietly. “Have you thought about the best-case scenario?”
He shook his head. Thatkind of hope could kill him. But he knew why the dreams were so powerful these days. Why they were so steady and quick.
Woke up bleeding from my mouth / I bit my tongue right through / well I broke the habit / I guess that I’d had it not saying the things I need to
The following morning, he searched his inbox from an email he hadn’t used in ten years and found the address he never thought he’d email again after he broke up with her way back when.
But Harry wasn’t twenty anymore. He was trying to move on. Trying to fix things that should have been fixed a long time ago. He sat on the couch, typed out seven different versions of the message and clicked send before he could overthink it any longer. He slapped the computer shut and rubbed his hands on his pants. He took a sip of the tea he made hoping to calm himself and told himself that it was okay if she didn’t answer.
Hey. Long time. Not sure if you use this email. I know it’s been a long while. Hope you’re well. ... I’ve been thinking of you. And truthfully, I had a pretty realistic dream that you were in the other night. Nothing weird. Just my old self and back then and... I don’t know. ... How are you?
If she was working, she might just be getting settled. Or maybe out with a friend. Running errands. He refrained from imagining a little family that was waiting on her for dinner but reminded himself anyway that there were a million reasons she—
His phone lit up on the table beside the computer and his heart skipped a beat.
Harry Styles. As I live and breathe :) I’m well! How are you?
That little smiley face made his heart ache with adoration for her. He could picture her pretty face smiling. But she answered.
Good. Yeah. I… I’ve been going to therapy regularly. Finally had to and... my doctor and I have discussed a lot of things. You were one of them. I just... wanted to chat with you. I’m sorry, this is so out of the blue and weird.
No! Not at all, Harry. I’m glad you reached out. It’s really nice to hear from you. Therapy? That’s amazing! Do you like it?
I’m a work in progress.
Aren’t we all? :)
He smiled feeling relieved. Even just reading words on a screen made him feel at ease. He could practically hear her sweet, encouraging voice.
What are you up to? Do you live in state still?
Yes! I actually just moved down the road from the college. I’m a guidance counselor at the local high school.
That’s lovely. I’m not surprised you accomplished your goals. Your students are lucky to have you. Are you doing okay? It has to be draining.
A lot of the time yeah. But it’s rewarding as hell. You know I love kids, and I love being able to help.
Harry wondered if it was possible to love her more than he ever had before.
There’s a shadow on my shoulder / always whispers in my ear / that I’m so angry all of the time / I should be alone another year / I didn’t say it how you needed it / must have written it down a thousand times / all the things I would scream at the top of my lungs / if I wasn’t so busy saying I’m fine.
Harry had a habit of not saying what he was feeling. He bottled so much of it up and hid it from the rest of the world. Even people he loved. When he was dating her back in college, he kept a lot hidden and exploded when she asked him simple questions about himself. Trying to understand him and why he was angry all the time. Her willingness to look past it, try and help, and just continue to be kind to him made him angry too. It was constant, draining. It was like he couldn’t help himself.
There was a tiny voice in his head that told him he was too angry for her. She deserved someone lovely and sweet. Someone who would talk to her and tell her things. Be the person she deserved. Because despite everything, Harry loved love. It was nearly impossible for him to show it back then. But he did. He wanted to love her the way she needed.
But he was so busy being angry and bottling his emotions he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t love her the right way.
It was so unfair to her and looking back on it made him feel like a proper ass.
So, he was grateful for the email communication. He couldn’t imagine having this conversation with her about all this in person. They chatted for days. Catching up on things, reminiscing. Their email chain was up to 100 something messages. Some messages were long. Harry chatted about his family and she about hers. There were updates on work. On friends they still spoke to and no longer did. The conversation continued over the course of a little under a week.
But the most shocking details came from her.
I mentioned I moved... my ex-fiancé broke off our engagement. Don’t feel too bad for me, it’s actually a relief in hindsight. Something I’ve been trying to figure through. It’s why I know that anything you feel you did wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it was. There’s far worse relationship enders than a little bit of anger.
Jesus, I’m so sorry, kitten.
Well, isn’t that a sweet name for sore eyes :) Don’t be sorry. It’s good. I have this cute apartment to myself and it’s for the best it happened now before there were too many variables to consider...like kids or a house or something, you know? I’m definitely sad. But he wasn’t the one for me at the end of the day.
Sorry for dumping all that on you. It’s not really fair given our past. I think a lot of my friends disagree with my choice on this to let him go so it’s nice to just tell someone non-judgmental.
Harry felt angry the way he used to. The way that made him want to scream and he felt the desperate need to message Dr. Hendren because he felt out of his depth. All he said was sorry. How could she feel he was non-judgmental. He was judgmental. He was judging the fuck out of the piece of shit that broke her heart and made her sad.
But he was no better.
The man is an idiot to lose you. I know from experience.
:) I have to head to bed, there’s a big pep rally tomorrow at school so I have to have my brain ready for chaos. Sleep well Harry.
Good night, kitten.
He reread those messages over and over and right before he was going to fall asleep, his phone lit up with one more message.
You’re not an idiot by the way. He might be, but you, Harry Styles are not.
So of course, he dreamed of Evie, Eli, and the sweet girl at the other end of his emails that night.
And hummingbirds.
Thousands of hummingbirds.
*
Most of their messages were short.
I’ve been going to therapy for three years now.
That’s wonderful, Harry. Really. Do you like it?
Yeah...it’s hard.
:( Yeah... It really is. Do you like your therapist?
Yeah. I’ve had him the whole time.
Yeah? That’s good. I’m... proud of you. I don’t want to be weird about it, but I know you were angry. Really angry. It wasn’t good. You didn’t deserve that. I’m glad you have someone to help you work through it.
...You were so nice to me. When you shouldn’t have been. I didn’t treat you right.
You were wonderful, Harry. We were practically kids. If our relationship had any faults, it was because we were too young. I don’t regret a second of time being with you.
His heart skipped a beat. He felt that frustration from back when they were young, and she was so understanding but it didn’t make him grumpy or feel inadequate. All he felt was a sense of belonging. Something he probably would have felt back then if he could have gotten out of his own way. She was willing to look past it then as she was now.
You’re much too forgiving. He wrote. Because old habits die hard.
You weren’t fine, Harry. You didn’t know. We didn’t know what we were dealing with at that age.
Harry hadn’t a clue what he was dealing with. Did he even know now?
Can... can I give you something?
Give me something?
Yes. I... I can bring it to your apartment or to school or we can meet, I just... I’ve been trying to let it go but I think... I think my dream was reminding me that... there’s more to you. More I need to do for you.
Sure, if you think it will give you closure.
God, Harry wanted anything but closure.
Just to clarify: I don’t think you owe me anything.
I kept a lot hidden from you. I held back and it wasn’t fair. All you wanted was to love me and I wouldn’t let you.
It’s a vulnerable thing, Harry. To be loved. You didn’t do anything wrong. We were just young.
But... you knew I wasn’t fine, and you tried and... I just wasn’t fair to you.
You were fine, Harry. I promise. Bring me whatever it is that you need to give me to make you believe you did what you could with what you had.
*
Her apartment had a wreath on the door. It was beautiful with an array of burnt orange and red flowers and green vines. The perfect fall wreath. Beside the door were three pumpkins of different sizes. If he didn’t have her address, he almost thought he would know it was her place. He looked at the mat in front of the door that said welcome, and he wondered if there was any other place where someone actually meant it.
Swallowing, he took a deep breath and knocked. After a minute, the door was out of the way.
At 18, Harry thought she was beautiful. The most beautiful girl he had ever met. During the time they dated, he thought she got more beautiful every second. Apparently, he was right because the woman before him somehow got exponentially more beautiful. Her smile was so inviting, so warm. Like he was seeing an old friend. “Hey Harry,” her voice was sweet. Not an ounce of distrust, frustration, nothing. Their breakup was ten years ago. Not a degree of anger was left.
Harry wasn’t angry either. Not anymore. But if she had broken up with him and he hadn’t done all this work to better himself, he would have been. He didn’t know how she could be so sweet after all she went through.
“Hi,” he swallowed. “I don’t want t’keep you. S’really nice t’see you,” his dream didn’t do her justice. Sure, she was beautiful especially with their imaginary kids. Simply stunning. But this was more. This was the beautiful angel he loved so much even when she wasn’t his to love.
“You’re not keeping me; do you want to come in?” She shifted to open the door wider. “I can make some tea. Or we can order pizza?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I jus’ want t’give y’this,” he handed her the shoe box.
She opened the lid. “Well, you know I won’t say no to shoes,” she smirked.
As much as he wanted to laugh at her joke, he felt like he made a mistake. The box was out of his hands. Not because of what was in there but because of the fear of rejection and being so vulnerable. Feelings of inadequacy were currently circulating through his bloodstream. “Um... s’not—”
“What is this?” She asked, tilting her head. He swallowed, pinched his lower lip between his fingers and took a deep breath.
“S’letters.”
“Letters?”
“I wrote t’you.”
“Me?”
He took a deep breath. “M’sure y’know m’not good at saying what m’feeling.”
She replaced the lid, leaning against the frame. “I feel like I’m a little lost here, Harry.”
He nodded, shoved his hands in his pockets so he wouldn’t fidget or reach back out to take it from her. His mouth felt dry. He wished he had taken her offer for a glass of water now. “I know y’said y’thought we were fine. But m’not happy with how I treated you. Y’were an angel. The perfect girlfriend and I treated y’unfairly a lot. I guess I’ve really held onto that and some of those letters are old but when I hit low points I thought ‘bout what y’said back then. How I wasn’t on m’own. I was allowed t’be angry. But I had t’let people in. All that. I wrote t’you a lot over the years. M’therapist said it was actually one of the smartest things I’ve done on m’own,” he chuckled. “I want you t’read them. When y’have time. I guess. I don’t know,” he cleared his throat. “This is really scary,” he admitted.
“Okay,” she nodded encouragingly and reached out to his forearm. She squeezed it reassuringly. It was only a touch on his arm, and he felt so good feeling it. He knew it was her training kicking in. Like a broken, beaten student at her office door. “I can do that,” she assured him. “Do you want me to text you about each one? Or just a summary of all of them? Or do you want me to not say anything?”
He looked at his feet. “Fuck...” he whispered to himself. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” she took a deep breath. “Thank you,” she smiled. “I’ll start reading tonight and I’ll decide in the moment. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.”
He nodded, looked at his feet. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“S’a lot.”
“I enjoy reading, Harry,” she grinned and moved her hand to his upper arm and soothingly rubbed up and down. “Thank you for trusting me.”
Of course he did. There was no one else he really did. He nodded, feeling nauseous but still lighter. “I’m gonna go now,” he swallowed.
“I’ll email you,” she assured him with a smile and headed inside.
*
Like it grows old real fast / how much you can love and not get it back / were we too attached? / It’s a shame how often goodbyes last / I thought we were better than that / I thought I was stronger at last.
The knock on the door was hurried, eager. Insistent on being heard.
At first, he felt frozen in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner he made himself and placing the dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe he imagined the knock. Maybe he was just dreaming again. Plus, she said she would email right? This wasn’t something to feel nervous about.
But the flutter of knocking continued. He hurried from his frozen position as the rapid taps hit the wood. He knew. His gut telling him exactly who was on the other side of that door. Taking a deep breath, he swallowed before pulling it out of the way.
“You bought me the house?!” She shrieked.
Harry dipped his head to avoid her eyes. “Yes.”
“Harry Styles, what the fuck?!”
He felt sick. “You hate it?”
Her eyes were red, glossy. Not what he expected at all. But why wasn’t it? This wasn’t normal. After a breakup of her own where she was sure she was going to marry the guy. Harry appeared out of nowhere. Telling her that he had a dream about her, and he hadn’t stopped thinking about her.
She covered her mouth and shook her head. “Harry,” she croaked.
“I’m—"
“You can’t buy me a house! We’re not even... Harry. This is insane! You have to see that!”
He shrugged. “I guess... but... I don’t know, kitten. I think about you all the time. I see this house in my sleep. I see our life in m’dreams every night.”
She was wearing only socks. Like she didn’t even have time to put on shoes. She held the paper in her hand wrinkled like she had read it hundreds of times already even though he had only given it to her the night before and he just knew which one was in her hands. She cleared her throat and read the date from ten years ago before she read the remainder of the letter.
To the resident(s) of 1278 Chestnut Street
My name is Harry Styles, and I am a college student in town. My girlfriend and I walk by your lovely home every day when we head to our favorite coffee shop after class. We love your home. Or I should say, my girlfriend LOVES your home. She claims it’s her dream home. The porch, the yard, the location... everything. She even loves your driveway. Every bit of your house is part of this fantastic dream she has of the life she wants in the future.
I don’t know if I’ll be with her forever. I am... working on myself. I’m not very good at all this relationship stuff. Especially when it comes to her. Quite frankly, I think she deserves way better than me. But on the off chance I am lucky enough to keep her in my life for as long as I would like, I want to make her dreams come true. She deserves that. She deserves every single one of her dreams to come true. She is the kind of girl that deserves every good thing that can possibly be provided for her.
If you ever find yourself selling, would you please consider emailing me first? Of course, if you have family that you plan on giving your home to, I understand. I can’t even promise I’ll be able to afford it, but I’ll want to know. If only to pass on the message to her somewhere down the line. She deserves the chance to have all her dreams come true.
I’m not sure where you are in life or if you have ever been in a relationship like this one. This girl is so special. She’s an angel. The kind of love that even a movie couldn’t show, or a book couldn’t write. I’m lucky to have her right now and I don’t know why she’s with me. I don’t know why I’m even sending this crazy letter other than I know I have to try. Even if she’s smart enough to leave me, I want her to know her dream home is available. Somewhere down the road. Even if we’re not on the same road anymore. That’s what she deserves.
I’m sorry to bother you like this. I hope you can understand what love can do to a guy in college with a girlfriend who is LEAGUES above him. Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope you continue to enjoy your lovely home.
Sincerely,
Harry
Her voice shook as she read it. “You sent that when we were in college.” He nodded, swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at the packet stapled together. “They emailed you,” she whispered. He nodded again.
“Dear Harry. We got your letter. When the time comes. We’ll be moving closer to our children. They’ve never expressed interest in our house the way you have. My wife and I met in college and believe me, I know a little something about finding the girl of your dreams. It’s nice you’re working on yourself. You deserve the life that fits this house too. We hope it’s with the girl that is leagues above you (although, we imagine she’d think differently). We’ll be in touch. The Andersons.”
Harry watched her flip the page as she made eye contact with him briefly before returning her gaze to the paper in front of her.
“Dear Harry. We hope life is treating you well. That you’re working on yourself, and your girlfriend is still around. If she’s not, we hope you’re not being too hard on yourself. We wanted to let you know we’ll soon be moving to a retirement community close to our son. We want to have you (and your girlfriend) over for dinner if you’re available. Let us know.”
Harry knew what was coming but he was still terrified. Why was she here? Barefoot. Reading the letters to him. What did she think.
“Dear Harry. It was so nice to meet you in person. Here is the contract we discussed. See you soon.”
He rubbed the back of his head. “Kitten,” he whispered.
“Dear Harry. We hope you get her back. Enjoy your home. Never stop giving out your love. The Andersons.”
She was teary, swallowing hard. Her hands were shaking as she held the papers in front of her. “You bought me a house.”
He nodded. There was a pause. “M’sorry I took so long.”
She dropped the papers and launched herself into his arms. He stumbled back at the impact. Her arms around his neck, her feet barely touching the floor as she tucked her face into his shoulder. “Harry,” she whimpered. Harry sighed, wrapped his arms tightly around her, one at her waist, the other hand cupping the back of her head.
“I’ve loved you for so long,” his voice felt raw. Like he was the one that was crying and shaking. Not her.
She sniffled and nodded. “I know,” because she did. She read every single letter. Watched the date change but one thing never did and that was the love she felt in each letter.
“M’so tired, kitten,” he croaked.
“Of what, baby?” She cupped his face. The emotion on his face was tender and nothing like she remembered from ten years prior. Her thumb soothingly rubbed his cheek.
“Life without you,” he closed his eyes tight. “This house is yours I want nothing more than for you t’have it, but I want it t’be ours.”
She sniffled, ducked her head briefly as she glanced around. “You decorated it for Halloween,” she whispered.
“You would have done better.”
She snorted. “Harry...”
“If this is the house that makes you happy then I want it jus’ as much, kitten. But you’re my home. You always have been.”
“I don’t know what to say Harry,” she whimpered.
“Say yes.”
“Harry...” she whispered.
“Please, I’m so tired of loving and loving and never feeling that way. I know s’how I made y’feel in college and y’jus’ dealt with it. Y’jus’ wanted love and I didn’t give y’what y’needed. But m’ready now. M’so ready t’do whatever y’need t’love you the way y’deserve. The way y’always deserved.”
Not for the first time in his life, Harry prayed that if this was a dream, he would never wake up.
He never thought he would hold her again. Never thought she would be in the house she always wanted. Or that she would know he was sorry for how he was back when he was an angry kid.
Perhaps most importantly, he never thought he would feel her lips on his ever again.
--
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#omg I was so enthralled I realized halfway I wasn’t taking my notes along the way#somewhere down the road. Even if we’re not on the same road anymore. LOVEEEE#the Andersons knowing she thinks differently#omg teary eyed by the end of the convo with the andersons#i’ve loved you for so long GOODNIGHT 😭😭😭🥺#watched the date change but one thing never did and that was the love she felt in each letter. LOVEEEE#when she called him baby eeeeeee !#love how this ended#okay from the top - stay with me#I love the word imperative#like the grade you’re going to get right is peak dad humor#I had a dream last night😦😦😦it was a dream ?!#the growth though by going to therapy and the self awareness and all that 🙂↕️🙂↕️#I was so excited to see how these emails were gonna go and they did not disappoint#she’s so kind#can I give you something I was like omg what is it gonna be#I had no idea#nervy#love a good wreath#he wondered if there was any other place where someone actually meant it. LOVEEE#he wrote letters😮😮🥺😩#that must’ve been so nerve racking for him to hand those over a big step for him#a house ?!!!!!!! A houseeeeeeee ?!!!!😮😮😮#him writing a letter to them is soooooo🥺🥹#okay we’re back to where I started LOL#harry styles fic rec#fic rec#so good so good#love love love#this was beautiful
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Weeping Frater Imperator🥀
It is finally done! That was a lot of work but so much fun! Idea and pose are inspired by weeping angel statues that often lie on graves🪽
I have no idea how to paint a glass coffin or reflections in glass, so I hope it looks somewhat real lol
I chose burgundy roses for Sister Imperator because I think that would be a fitting flower for her and it just fits the aesthetic of my painting🌹
I hope you like it! ♥️
While you sleep in earthly delight
Still your soul will suffer this plight
But like a mother would save
Her own child from digging a grave
Ghost - Witch Image
(Every time I see Copia in the after credits scene with his damn sad face, I get another horrible idea😭)
#ghost#copia#frater imperator#cardinal copia#papa emeritus 4#papa emeritus iv#sister imperator#rhrn#rite here rite now#the band ghost#carosart
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