#it’s selfish. it’s selfless. Sam saves people. Sam is damned for it.

[quietwingsinthesky]

God I wish I had something coherent to say about hunger as one of spn’s core themes but unfortunately my brain just loops back around to “Sam should have eaten more weird supernatural things to see if they also gave him powers.” (Like maybe Lucifer’s blood idk idk)

[invisiblegarters]

GAP Episode 11

You know, the sad thing about this is that I know they want me to loathe Worst Grandmother, but she's just so relentlessly awful that I don't loathe her, I just react to her with sighs and head shakes. 

Good for Sam for asking why she's doing all of this stuff. And I don't believe her when she says it's because she loves Sam. It's reputation she cares about, and getting her own damn way. I hate to see Sam struggling so hard, especially knowing that Worst Grandmother is just gonna swing her straight into what she wants her to do. Emphasis on "straight". 

And see, this kind of crap is why this woman isn't even worth hating. There's no point in it - they're full of enough hate for a million people. She's gonna wind up sad and alone after having pushed away every person in her life with her own bitterness and hate and she'll have only herself to blame. Although I'm sure that the sour old bat will probably find someone else to point her finger at. 

Imagine blaming the one person who actually loved someone you claim to care about for a death that was caused by them being upset over something you did. 

The guilt trip was a nice touch. It's bull, but of course it's gonna work. This is episode eleven, after all. 

See, Sam's friends have it right. Slowly whittling away at everything that makes a person happy isn't love, and Worst Grandmother is so hateful that I honestly don't even believe she's conned herself into believing it is. I think she just wants things how she wants them. 

Oh the piping on Mon's jacket here is lovely. 

Of course Mon isn't mad at you Sam, that's not how she works. And of course Sam's bowing to Worst Grandmother's wishes. We all knew that this would happen here in good old episode 11. And also, to be less salty, of course it would happen since Sam has spent her entire life bowing to Worst Grandmother's wishes. She'll let Worst Grandmother pick at her and pick at her until there's nothing left. 

I really don't want Mon to go with the secret relationship deal, but I guess she will, at least at first.  But first it's gonna be marrying Kirk, then it's gonna be quitting her business, then it's gonna be having babies and staying home and raising them. It's never going to stop until Worst Grandmother is dead, and even then it might not, depending. Besides, my bet is Worst Grandmother has less than zero intention of actually leaving Mon along as promised, and even if she does, that promise will go right out the window if and when she discovers that the two of them are still keeping on. 

Part of me just wants to shake Sam and tell her that this is never going to work out, but on the other hand I know that stuff like this is always, always easier to make judgment calls on from outside. 

Ugh, Kirk. He's actually the worst, isn't he? That whole "I know you love her, so let her go and let her live her life happily" thing is such manipulative, hypocritical bullshit. Where was this desire for Sam to have a good life when you were running to tattle to Worst Grandmother, you little weenie? 

Okay, I have to admit I find romantic love incomprehensible so I don't know if being selfish about Sam is the right thing for Mon to do or not. In a battle between being vulnerable and saving face, I will always aim for self-preservation. And in this instance I'd leave, not to make things easier for the person I was with but because I can't see myself putting myself through that. 

Of course, Mon's gonna be selfless because that's just what she does, and it frustrates me. I had the same problem watching the Boun & Prem ep of Project 7 a while ago. I wanted Mek to leave for himself, not as a selfless act for love. 

See, the thing is that I don't necessarily blame Sam - she's been raised to be a pushover, to let Worst Grandmother push her around and tell her what she's allowed to do, to have to bargain and wheedle and sneak around for every bit of happiness that isn't dictated by Worst Grandmother. And whenever she reaches for something for herself that Worst Grandmother has decided doesn't fit with what she wants for her, Sam is slapped down in some way. The fact that she can't get out of the cycle is sad but unsurprising. I felt he same about Balloon in 7 Project too - he's closeted and his parents are deeply homophobic, he's stuck watching his younger brother suffer for loving a boy and he knows it'll be the same for him if he comes out and he just can't, but he also feels he can't abandon his family and run away with Mek, either. It's tough, man. And I don't blame either of these characters for reacting the way they do, or making the choices they make. 

I just think that there's only so much love can do. And I don't think that Mon (or Mek) deserves to be dragged around forever while Sam (and Balloon) keeps yoyoing between happiness and duty. They both deserve better, frankly. And while I can't blame Sam for her situation, I can feel that Mon would be better served saving herself rather than staying and losing by increments (but like I said, self-preservation is my thing). 

Only all that became moot because apparently Sam is going to try to fight. Go Sam! And please Nueng show up and help her. The sisters all should have fought together in the first place. Only I do wonder if Nueng will hit the woman if she does show up. She's still so mad, and with good cause tbf. 

Ugh, I just really don't like Kirk. It's funny to me that at the beginning Nop was the one I disliked and I thought Kirk was gonna be decent. Oh, how the turntables. 

Lol, am I supposed to feel bad about Worst Grandmother's "collapse"? Do I even think it's real? Debatable. Honestly I think it's much much more a tactic. 

NUENG! MY GIRL! Tell it like it is! 

The thing is that Worst Grandmother has reduced Sam to tears over and over and over and she clearly doesn't care. That’s not love. It’s just not. 

Okay I'm incredibly surprised they didn't end this with an episode 11 separation. What's even happening right now? Isn't that like the staple? 

Oh, I see they're saving it for ep 12. Sorry, show, I don't loathe Worst Grandmother but I also can't pretend I care if she does tantrum herself to death.

Have I mentioned that Kirk is the worst? I feel like it bears repeating. 

[valwentinefics]

Hello!! Could I request a Zemo x reader fic where he overhears the reader making a joke with Sam and Bucky, “I wonder if any rich people out there would want an Avenger trophy wife”? Thanks <3

A/N: Thank you for the request! I’ll let you guys decide if he’s manipulating the reader or if he’s just ooc. I decided to make the reader very poor and selfless so it would fit better and kept her power ambiguous.

Trophy Wife - Helmut Zemo x F!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, describing poor living conditions

Word count: 1169

Y/n was poor. She rejected all the money and fame she could have gotten from being Avenger, not wanting to profit off of a job that had previously ruined a country, even if that happened before she had joined. Instead, Y/n considered herself nothing more than a concerned citizen taking action to help, even if that meant she had to eat cup noodles for every meal in a water damaged studio apartment.

Now she sat on Zemo’s couch, a cup of tea nestled in her hands as she looked around the home. It was nice, not overly showy but was visibly upper class. Y/n couldn’t believe this was how she was living now, pulled around by a rich guy. Truthfully, she could get used to the perks that came with being around the Baron.

“I still can’t believe I can say I’ve been in a private jet.” Y/n said out loud, getting the attention of Bucky and Sam. “I mean just a few days ago I was poor as fuck, living off of dollar store cup noodles and sunny d. I was able to eat a steak yesterday!” She laughed, only earning a concerned look from the three men at her living arrangements, Zemo now no longer staring into his cup and instead at Y/n inquisitively, his head tilted slightly.

“Damn Y/n, you lived like that?” Asked Sam, “Like, you’re not exaggerating?”

Y/n laughed. “God, I wish I was.  But no, I actually lived like that. I should invite you guys around to my apartment sometime, you can meet the rats that live in my walls.”  Her words caused Bucky’s never ending stare to morph into serious concern and Sam’s jaw to drop. Zemo showed indifference, grabbing her empty cup she had placed down and going to the kitchen to wash it. “That’s a joke, it’s actually mice.”

“How do you live like that?” Asked Bucky, “If you need a place to stay, I don’t use my bedroom much.”

“It’s hard to hold another job when you’re an Avenger and it just feels wrong to get money from it. Unlike you two I became an Avenger right out of highschool, I didn’t have savings like Sam and I wasn’t in anyone’s will like you Bucky. All my money comes from the occasional government mission that I allow to pay me. But don’t worry about me, I'm an Avenger, I’ll make do. I don’t need any help” She smiled at the two.

“Alright, but you need anything you call me. God, I can’t believe you live like that. Do I need a tetanus shot just because I’ve been standing close to you?” Joked Sam, easing the tense concern that filled the air.

Y/n giggled. “No don’t worry, I’m safe. But being with Zemo has made me start thinking,” She paused for a moment, wondering if she should really say this. “I wonder if any rich people out there would like an Avenger trophy wife?” Sam let out a laugh, about to say something when an unexpected voice interrupted.

“I would.” Spoke Zemo from his place in the kitchen, popping a turkish delight into his mouth. 

All heads turned to the Sovokian Baron, earning a casual shrug from him. Y/n felt her cheeks turn red as she processed his words. Bucky’s fist clenching as he shot a glare to Zemo. Sam looked between the two, his nose wrinkling in disgust.

“No, no, no this is not what’s going to happen. I need some air, I’m going for a walk.” He headed to the door, followed by an awkwardly silent Bucky. “You two, don’t do anything weird while we’re gone.” Sam tossed on his jacket, muttering about the situation under his breath as he headed out with Bucky in tow.

The room became consumed by silence soon after, the only sound being made was from the wrapping on Zemo’s turkish delights as he tossed another one into his mouth. Y/n couldn’t keep his eyes off him, thinking of his words. She hadn’t really realized how attractive he was before now. Not a hair out of place, his long jacket slung over his shoulders, the air of casual confidence he gave off. She wasn’t sure why she liked him, the man that caused a rift within the Avengers, who had caused so much pain to those she cared about. She almost felt guilty for it. Almost.

“I meant what I said.” The sokovian accent filled the room after a few moments, Y/n’s eyes snapping to his instead of looking at his body. “About an Avenger trophy wife.”

“And why would you mean that? I thought you hated us?” Y/n asked, confused. 

Zemo walked over, his steps slow and back straight as he approached, looking like the royalty he was. “Because you’re not like them, you’re not a supremacist. You live in squalor because you believe it’s the right thing to do. You don’t show your power to the world and become a glorified image, you try to remain human. You’re humble, altruistic.” He paused right in front of Y/n. She turned her head away from him, looking out the window, his words making her cheeks painted red.

“You flatter me Zemo.” She spoke nervously, not used to all the praise. She wasn’t a popular avenger so not many people paid attention to her efforts, and she didn’t care if they did or didn’t but it felt nice to receive a compliment. In a way, Zemo’s praise meant more to her in her eyes than anyone else's. He was against the whole group and wasn’t scared to make that known, yet here he was complimenting her.  

“It’s the truth.” His hand cupped her cheek and guided Y/n’s face to look at his. “You don’t deserve to live like that when you’re the only good one in the damn system. If the others were like you, maybe my country would still be around.” His eyes held sadness within them for a moment as he almost stared through her before going back to how he was before. “I know I can’t marry you now, however just think of at least being my sugar baby, let me reward you for being the only hero with a good moral compass.”

Y/n stared into his dark eyes for a few moments, mulling over the situation. Was it right to accept? No. But she hadn’t felt true appreciation for her actions and sacrifices before, nor such genuine praise, that she decided for once and only once it was time to be selfish. She reached into her pocket and ripped a page out of her notebook, scribbling her number onto the sheet and handing it to Zemo. 

“I accept.”

[junova]

↬ 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐭 | 𝐬. 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

abstract: the one where steve finds your love letters.

pairing: au!steve x fem!reader

word count: 3K+

warnings: cussing, fluff, angst, crying, slight self-deprecation.

[author’s note]: hey guys! i’m really new to the writing scene so kind words are appreciated! srsly just testing my writing style out and wanted to just post something to motivate me to keep writing. hope u like it. <3

also thank u ari for the inspo and that bomb ass album that saved twenty-twenty. now we just need biden to get elected.

ps. don’t forget to vote! <3

Stevie,

First and foremost, I want you to know how proud of you I am. You have become the man you’ve said you become, the one I always knew you would. You have finally seen what the rest of us see.

A good man.

The soul you carry within you shines brighter than I’ve ever seen. Just for that only, I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together. Maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to tell you this without hiding behind the comfort of this notebook. She won’t spill my secrets, fortunate for me.

Some days you have no idea how badly I want to tell you. I think it’s on the days I discover a new fleck of green in your eyes or maybe when you show up to class with a cup of coffee for me without request.

More. More. More.

More. More. More.

It’s selfish of me, that much I know. More days than not, I would say you give too much of yourself away. Always wanting to appease everyone, you, Steven Rogers, the bridge to making the people around you happier than they walked in. Even when Bucky drags you into his nonsense bullshit, you say yes without hesitation.

I’ve got not a a clue on how you continue on, how you still remain you when you tend to spread yourself so thin. Who watches out for you? Who cares for you? Who loves the almighty, selfless Rogers?

For me, it’s much easier to pretend you carry too much on your plate than to deal with the rejection I would receive from you. You’re just too good, more than I deserve. More than I would be willing to take. I know I couldn’t possibly give you what you deserve but, I hope that one day you might see me differently. You would see me more than the light I’ve painted myself in.

Even though the shade is lovely, I want to be deeper. Deeper into you on a level which only seems unattainable at this point.

A forever friend. To be in your life, just as a friend, is an reward in itself.

But someday I hope you would love me in the same way I do. It’s all a love struck girl could do. Hope for the best, bet be prepared for the downfall.

With much love, your forever friend.

Tearing the page away from the binding of the overfilled notebook, dispensing it in the first empty drawer you could find, you abandoned the feelings as soon as the pen’s ink bleed out dry.

“You know it would just be easier to tell him how you feel.” You peaked up at the sound of her voice, before realizing she was looming over you, watching your write the letter.

Your supposed, secret letter.

“Nat, please. No.” Opening the drawer, she grabbed the letter but was surprised with just how many she found.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve written about him multiple times?” You sank in the soft, plush material of your seat hoping that just maybe it would begin to swallow you whole. Hopefully, fast enough were you wouldn’t have to endure the rest of the conversation. One you had been trying to avoid, for the past three years.

“It’s nothing Nat, just forget it.” Just like a Romanov, she couldn’t leave it alone. Even if she tried it was laced in her blood to see any little thing through.

“You really shouldn’t wait so long. A window might close for you, much sooner than you think.” With a curious eyebrow lifted, you felt your breath leave you.

“What does that supposed to mean?” Steve certainly deserved the best and you knew it was only time for him to figure out you would never be enough for him.

“Peggy Carter.” Peggy.

The one girl of a sea of many who had been enamored by Steve. He never really seemed to spend anytime with the women who vied for his attention, but Peggy was surely different than the rest.

Even if Steve was oblivious when it came to the advances everyone would make on him, he saw Peggy. Considering she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen, she intimidated you. God, did she ever.

On numerous occasions she and Steve had gone out, and even though he assured you they were just friends you were starting to believe he was only trying to protect your feelings. As a friend.

He had never cancelled on you once for her and he would tell you if he had started to date someone, just like he had before.

Even though the entire three years you’d known him he only had one serious girlfriend and after eight months, the pair broke up and even now he still didn’t budge on why they broke up.

“Steve can do whatever he wants with her. He’s a single man. He’s gone out with her before and he’ll probably go with her again.” Then Sam was the next to speak up, dismissing the total bullshit spouting from your mouth.

“Can’t you see he doesn’t want to? The damn man follows you around like a goddamn puppy.” Okay, when did he even come in here?

“God, fuck, no he doesn’t. He would have said something by now, he’s had three years and it’s been nothing but radio silence.” With an all knowing smirk, Sam proposed a new concept into question.

“It has been three years. So, have you ever said anything to him?”

Shit. Fuck you, Wilson.

“W-Well, not exactly.” Sam didn’t have to say anything in response. You knew he was right and you hated it.

Your unwillingness still stood for you, there was just no way he actually would reciprocate your feelings.

“Listen, I think it would be really good for the both of you to air everything out. Peggy is sinking her claws in him and it isn’t too long before they get stuck. Just talk to him.” You nodded silently, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever have the courage to.

—

Emptiness.

It’s all you seemed to feel today. Following you around was a dark cloud, looming over you. Wishing you could be anywhere but your own body. Nothing in particular happened to make you deserve the feeling you were granted with. It just so happened to be one of those days.

From the moment you got out of bed — or rather stayed in bed until four in the afternoon, you felt like anything you would have done just didn’t feel enough. The feeling was fleeting, never staying for more than a day or so, but it made the day drag on. Never ending.

Your muscles sore, body aching from the lack of activity your presumed. Or maybe you had built it in your head too.

Thankfully for you, Nat was busy helping Bucky move into his new place the entire day. She asked if you wanted to help, but mentally you didn’t feel you would be useful for anyone. Simply, telling her you would hang back, claiming you had another an essay to write.

Which you did, you weren’t completely lying, but there was more than your sour mood to blame for your dismissal of social interaction.

You hated to be that girl, the one who needed the presence of men. Specifically, the company of one very beautiful, blue eyed one.

His absence in your life the past few weeks felt heavier on you than you thought it would. You knew from Sam’s intel he had been hanging out with Peggy more and more. He said the two of them were getting close, mercifully sparing you the details.

You hated it’s you’d become. A girl so damn struck over a boy who was giving his attention elsewhere. Upset you were though. Before even if he was busy between classes and his internship at the gallery, he would still text to check up on you.

Now, it was nothing but radio silence letting you draw conclusions on your own. Very, very dangerous territory for you to travel to.

Steve and you are just friends. Get. Over. It.

You thought you’d be alone the rest of the Saturday, especially since it was nearly midnight. Figuring Nat was staying over at Bucky’s and Wanda leaving earlier in early hours of the morning to see her boyfriend for the entire weekend.

Then, an incredibly drunk Steve stumbled into your quaint apartment, the thoughtfully sweetness in him blubbering out with the alcohol flooding through his system. It was like he was on overdrive. More than ready to crash at any given moment.

You had enough when Steve started shamelessly raiding your kitchen, but you remained on the couch attempting to maintain some distance between the two of you. He had a history of being incredibly handsy whenever he had bit too much to drink.

Stumbling his way over to you, almost tripping on the rug, until he was basically cuddling up to your side. His arms latched tightly around you, pulling you into him. Not spared a choice, not that you’d want one.

The security of being wrapped up to him wasn’t something you ever grew tired of. You don’t think there would ever be a time you would ever be capable of turning him away.

“I’ve missed you. It’s been too long.” His soft tone, penetrating the tiny resistance you held towards him. “Me too. I was starting to think you disappeared on me, bubba.”

“Never.” His iron grip holding so tight like he was afraid you’d slip right through.

“Is everything alright?” Trying to pull from him, but Steve seemed unable to let you go. You whispered in his ear, caressing his back.

“I think so.”

“Here, let me grab you cup of joe and some water. Okay? I’ll be right back.” Leaving him a kiss on the cheek, before heading him into the kitchen.

If you had been around him recently, perhaps you would be more in tune with how he was feeling. Then the guilt sept in.

“Sweetheart, do you know where the phone charger is? It’s not by the recliner.” You heard him shout, trying to stop your heart from hammering into your stomach.

Just make him some coffee, sober him up, until he crashes.

Steve always seemed to be a lightweight and somehow whenever he did decide to drink he always found himself routing his way into your home. You thought it was simply for accident alone. The bar he frequented at was only a few block from you.

The past few times he would just stumble into your bedroom, immediately passing out in your soft, silky sheet. Now, he seemed to have more pressing matters at hand.

“Check the drawers, Stevie. I think there’s one you left around here somewhere.” You grabbed the filters and the grounds out, brewing the coffee. Soon, with a black cup of coffee and a water bottle in hand you took note of just how quite he was being.

He was never this silent and it was freaking you out.

“Are you sure you’re o-”

Just like that.

Fuck.

Hunched over, practically on his knees, he read over the endless letters you wrote about him. Confessions never meant to be seen by him. You lost track of how many you had written over the past few years once realized how irrevocably in love with him you are.

He didn’t realize you had found him and you were suddenly paralyzed. Unaware of your presence he continued to read through them and his expression was unrecognizable. One you’d never seen from him before, and you didn’t quite know how to react.

No. He wasn’t grimacing nor did he seem to be elated either. He just stood there just like you, afraid what would happen next.

What did this mean for the two of you? Your entire relationship was purely riding on whatever happened next.

Softly, with a gentle hand, he sifted through them all like he was looking for something specifically. Steve let them fall to the hardwood floors as your shaking hands could no longer support the weight of the dainty coffee cup he had actually sculpted himself.

The glass shattering everywhere, several pieces making their way towards him, thankfully not fiercely enough to penetrate his skin.

Truly, you had never been more sorry than when he looked up at you with tears in his eyes. Threatening to spill over. Because of you.

You didn’t have to be told, you already knew.

Carefully, Steve stood up making his way over to you around the shattered mug. Still you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Simply just watching him until he was right in front of you — more silent than you’d ever seen him before.

“Those were about me. Weren’t they?” You nodded having no reason to lie other than to protect yourself from a rejection you been hoping to spare yourself from.

“I didn’t want you to find out like this. Or at all really.” Your resolve dropping instantly when Steve took a step further gripping by your hips, pulling you closer.

“Why not?” He questioned you, again. Almost like he needed a verbal affirmation of every secret he had just read.

Unintentionally, stealing your soul served for him on a silver platter.

“I know how you’d feel about me, Steve. It’s not how I want it to be and it’s okay.” You remove yourself from him, traveling to the other side of the living room. Suddenly, the apartment seemed suffocating with him in it. “I’m fine, Steve.”

Hearing him sigh in frustration only furthered your immense feeling of being a burden to him.

You’re just one more obstacle he has to deal with.

“One of them dated back for over two years ago. Two fucking years.” His harsh tone, piercing through you like a knife.

“I know. I should have told you.” You whispered, wishing you could disappear into any abyss that would take you. Deeply wishing you just didn’t have to endure for the rest of this conversation. Wishing you could have stopped him from opening that stupid drawer. “I tell you everything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to speak about this. Look at how you’re reacting? How could you blame me when every fear I have about this is justified?”

You really should have kept those elsewhere, not your open, public living room.

“Because it’s us. I’m always here for you.” He was still crying through broken words and you didn’t know why. Almost like you had shattered his resolve and his control leaving with it.

“Not lately. You’ve been otherwise occupied.” Suddenly find the plant in the corner of the room. It certainly weren’t trying to distract yourself from the insatiable cerulean eyes.

The breathtaking british woman wasn’t even here and as soon as she was brought up — there was a wall. Seperating, you from whatever was between the two of you.

“This isn’t my fault. You never said anything. How was I supposed to know you feel that way about me?” He tried to make his way towards you but you just stalked off in the other direction. Circling around the living room like a coward.

“It didn’t matter though, did it? You found someone perfect for you regardless of how you feel.” God, you wish he would just leave so you could let the dam break.

“No. You don’t get to do that. Since the moment I met you I only had eyes for you, but you never seemed like you were interested. So, I dropped it. Okay? You never left me a crumb to think you would ever want to be more than just friends.”

“You were my best friend. You still are. No matter how I felt, it could never outweigh the need I have for you to be in my life.” He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Trying to figure out what was next for the both of you. Steve always had to initiate and this time was no different.

“Peggy told me tonight she wants to be exclusive.” His confession washing over you like a ton of bricks. Crushing you.

You really couldn’t have any ill feeling towards her, she was just doing what you lacked the courage and the tenacity to do.

“But I didn’t really know what to do.” He took quiet steps towards you, not wanting to spook you. He voice not no longer held the a warmth of teddy bear, but a man on a mission rather took over.

Steve kept quiet until he had you backed up into a corner, no escape route in vision for you.

“’Cause there’s this other beautiful woman, absolutely breathtaking — and I just I really needed to know how she felt. If I had known before,  I never would have gone anywhere else.” His hand caressing your soft, plump lips. Pulling on your bottom lip with his thumb, sending you into a frenzy.

“Then, I just wanted to forget about everything until Sam called me. Three beers deep, when he told me of a drawer filled with letters I should take a look at.” You could feel his breath on you, temple pressed against yours.

“I just need to hear you say it. Just once.” Taking it a step forward, intertwining your finger with his own.

“I love you.” It was all he needed as he sealed his own affirmation with a sweet kiss, inking your lips with all of his love.

[meteor752]

Dsmp Hogwarts AU, except it’s all the characters and I go into why they are what they are, please reblog this took a long ass time

Man, what a title Huh? Anyways, this will obviously go over the characters and not the content creators, because in some cases those are vastly different

Also, before we start, I will go over an important thing that I will mention probably a few times, and that is the difference between Hufflepuff Loyalty and Slytherin Loyalty.

Both of these houses value loyalty, but in very different ways. Take for example that you’re a spy who has their best friend as their partner, and you’re out on some super important mission. Let’s also say that your partner got shot and is close to death, and the only way to save them would be to abandon the mission entirely.

A Hufflepuff would try to complete the mission because it would be the best for all, while the Slytherin would abandon the mission despite the fact that it could result in countless deaths, just to save their friend.

See it as Selfish Loyalty vs Selfless loyalty. Both are great things to have, but are still different.

Anyways, on with the show

Tomathy Danger Kraken Careful Innit

I have seen people try to argue that this boy is a Hufflepuff because of his loyalty and such, but gosh darnit everyone this child is a god damn Gryffindor. I mean, one of his main character traits is that he’s brash and too brave for his own good. The reason he got fucking exiled is because he burned down George’s house without thinking of the consequences, and then just screamed at Dream without thinking of the consequences. The same goes for Ghostbur’s “death”, it was because he had no real plan except Stab Dream with an axe. So yeah, Gryffindor

Wilbur Soot

Slytherin, 100%. This man has created one and a half nation, one entirely out of spite, he was both a general and a president, he’s a smart lil fella, and he managed to hold his own against the god of the server. I don’t even thing you guys wanna argue with me here

Tuberculosis Underscore

This one is tricky, because it’s really between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw for me. Like, he does possess the Hufflepuff loyalty™ plus he is very kind, but he’s also one of the more logical and observant characters we have in this server (The bar is very low let me tell ya). But I think I will have to go with Ravenclaw, just because like, the boy invented nukes. He built fucking nukes. So yeah, a very chaotic Ravenclaw that will spout bee facts at you, be prepared

Technoblade

My man is a Ravenclaw, no doubt about it. I mean, he started talking about an old greek myth in the middle of a war? Just Ravenclaw things amiright?

Philza Minecraft

I will have to go with Slytherin on this one, simply because of the large amount of Slytherin Loyalty, but also because of his cunningness and resourcefulness, but for real this was very tricky, simply because I don’t like to think about c!Phil too much because as some of you may know, I kinda hate him (Not the cc though, obvs, he’s awesome)

Ranboo My Beloved

Hufflepuff. This boy’s ideology is literally “Choose people, not sides”, he’s an honest and compassionate boy who works hard, and has a very open mind. He’s literally the by the book Hufflepuff

Eret

Honestly, Slytherin. I mean, they are ambitious as fuck, both shown by them betraying L’Manburg for the throne, but also by working hard towards their redemption arc. They are also a good leader of the smp, and in general a great role model to have

Nikki Nihachu

This one is actually difficult, simply because Nikki has gone through quite the character arc the past couple of months. She started out kind, sweet and loyal, a classic Hufflepuff. Then she joined the syndicate and straight up tried to kill a child, which is less Hufflepuff but who am I to judge. But in her core, as seen through her discussion with Jack about Tommy’s revival, she is still a good person that works hard for what she believes in, wants the best for everyone (Despite sometimes working in her best self interest) remains kind through it all. So yeah, Nikki is a Hufflepuff, just a bit of a sadistic one. But we can’t all be perfect ya know?

Fun Jonathan Michael Vincent Georgina James Sus Dy Soot

Ah, my favorite character, and also one of the best examples of a Ravenclaw. And I ain’t saying that just cuz I’m a Ravenclaw, Fundy is one of the most Ravenclaw characters out there. He’s creative, Clever, Spontaneous, Witty, Curious, Sharp, and a real trickster. The idea of Ravenclaws being the goody two shoes kids that always does their school work is just false, we never do our Homework and instead sit and read about things we find interesting, and Fundy is a good example of that. Also he was quite the eager learner during the Dreamon Hunters arc, which again is a good example of a Ravenclaw. So if Ranboo is the by the book Hufflepuff, then Fundy is the by the book Ravenclaw.

Dreamwastaken

I’m pretty sure it’s confirmed that Dream is actually a Slytherin, and I ain’t arguing with that. This boy is cunning, sly, a leader, traditional, Self-Preserving, and a master with words. There is not much more to say here, apart from the fact that Slytherins main colour is literally green, so it all checks out, this boy is a snake.

George Lore

Mr not found over here really is hard to pinpoint down, simply because his main character trait is his apathy, which isn’t really a trait for any of the houses. I was discussing this one with my girlfriend, and both of us were pretty clueless of what to do with him. I was thinking if Hufflepuff since they take the ones that don’t fit anywhere else, but then I was reminded of the most recent Dream XD stream, which showed us one thing, and that is that George is clever, observant, and Sharp Minded, all the traits of a Ravenclaw. Sure, he could also be Slytherin as he was both cunning and sly as well, but I think Ravenclaw fits him more personally.

Sappitus Nappitus Boyhalo

Finally we have another Gryffindor, there’s been a serious lack of them on the list. My man is a fighter, he’s bold, he’s brave, he’s passionate, he’s confident, and he doesn’t really think that much of the consequences of his actions (Cough the pet war cough), so yeah this boy a lion.

Punz

Ah, Punzie, the mercenary themself. Tbh, I know very little about them because Punz don’t get involved that much in lore unless they are hired for something. I mean, they were in the eggpire, but even then they were barely involved, which is sad cuz I like Punz. But what we have seen of Punz is that they are someone who does not care about you or what you want, as long as you pay them. They are power hungry and self preserving, which means that I have to put them in Slytherin.

Jack Thunder1408 TV Manifold

The boy who I can’t help but be sympathetic towards. Jack is also a hard character to pin point because of the reason that he’s gone through quite the development. Jackie boy is a very broken character that has literally been through hell, so it’s hard to properly sort him. He’s quite confident and clever, yet cunning and resourceful, so for me it’s either Slytherin or Gryffindor. But I do lean towards Gryffindor more, partly because of his stubbornness and gullibility, and part because of all the fire imagery that’s associated with him. I mean, the cc described him as burning inside, he’s been through the scape of fire and death, and he burnt his nation to the ground. In case you didn’t know, Fire is the element of Gryffindor, so yeah, another red and gold boy.

JSchlatt

Schlatt is as both charming, charismatic and calm in the early days, using subtle manipulation tactics to get his way and achieve ultimate power. He’s ambitious, narcissistic, cunning, and tyrannical, while still hiding it all behind a facade of smiles and waves. He could also be both cruel and irresponsible at times, aka the time he had an underage child drink during an event, but ya know, mistakes. So all in all, I think it’s pretty clear that he’s a Snakey boy.

QuackityHQ

As much as I love CC!Quackity, I also fucking hate him because of the many, many different directions he’s taken this character which makes it possible for him to fit in literally any of the houses. The duckie is both Chaotic and lawful, he’s both friendly and hostile, he’s a smart cookie and a fucking dumbass, so like bruh. But, I’m gonna have to go with how he is now, which is manipulative, power hungry, cruel, and strong willed. Aka, another Slytherin.

Karl Jacobs

Finally, a character that is not broken down to the point of barely making out a readable personality. Karl is a kind and funny person, who is very open to new people considering how often he gives tours to visitors and new people, and he is quite literally loosing himself traveling through time in an attempt to help people. Hufflepuff

Awesamdude

This one I know will be controversial, but I’m saying Hufflepuff on him. Sam is one of the best cases of the Hufflepuff loyalty, literally letting both Tommy and Ghostbur be stuck and ultimately die in the prison just so he wouldn’t risk Dream breaking out. Before that point he was very kind and gentle towards Tommy, literally building a robot to keep him safe and take care of him. Sam nook is a reflection of Sam’s feelings towards Tommy, and they are kind and gentle.

Dropsbyponk

Ughhhh, another tough one. Ponk is a chaotic being who is mostly neutral in conflicts, but is shown to be very open about their feelings towards those they care about, like Sam or Foolish. They seem to be have strong feelings in what they believe in, and can be a bit brash sometimes, not really caring about the consequences of their actions, which is what makes me say Gryffindor for them.

Badboyhalo

Our favorite muffin demon. I assume, I don’t know what life you live. Anyways, Bad is like the stereotypical Hufflepuff. The kindhearted, well meaning, sweet, responsible Hufflepuff. The Hufflepuff that’s like in all of those incorrect quotes blogs and “Slytherin and Hufflepuff friendships uwu” posts. But for real, Bad is very Hufflepuff. He does however have Slytherin Loyalty, considering he pretty much sacrificed the entire server for Skeppy, but if you would try to convince me that Bad is a Slytherin I will just laugh at you

Skeppy

It was at this point I realized what I’ve gotten myself into with this post, which you know, not fun. Skeppy is both cocky and filled with energy, with a real ambition to cause chaos. He’s also shown to be willing to sacrifice himself for the person he loves, Bad, when he gave himself up to the egg. I’ve seen some people say Slytherin, but I’m kinda getting Gryffindor from the lad, so yeah, another lion.

Antfrost

Frosty here is a kind hearted person that for the most part seem to be along for the ride. He reminds me a bit of a parent of toddlers, with his patience and serenity towards the more chaotic people on the server, so of course my natural instinct is Hufflepuff. Buuuuut, then there’s again the issue with the egg and the Slytherin loyalty, this time towards his boyfriend Velvet who he was willing to join a cult for (relationship goals) but again, you can’t really say Ant is a Slytherin considering how wrecked he was about what he did while in the eggpire when he was released from it’s grasp. So yeah, Puffle boy

Captain Puffy

Oh captain my captain, you are such a Gryffindor. And some of you may disagree on that, stating that she’s a Hufflepuff or something (I did research before this to check what other people think, I know) but naaah, she a lion. Puffy is very motherly and protective towards other people on the server, especially the minors, but in the way that a Bear is protective towards its cub, which is gentle towards them but fierce towards others. Puffy also falls natural in the role of a leader as seen with Pro-Omelette, but that is kinda expected since she’s a past Pirate Captain. But she wasn’t the leader she was supposed to be, as she waited quite a while to act against the eggpire out of fear of hurting her friends, which lead to quite the damage towards the rest of the server. She’s also been shown to act on impulse, killing Antfrost and taking one of his lives after he killed her son. Idk if this is a good explanation of why I believe Puffy to be a Gryffindor, it sounds more like I’m claiming her to be a Slytherin or Hufflepuff, but she is a Gryffindor I promise!

Foolish Gamers

Foolish is a kind and friendly being, if not a bit naive and easily distracted. He’s also not the brightest person, in fact I’d go as far as to call the guy a Himbo, and he can be a bit skittish sometimes if he’s stressed or haven’t taken a break in a while. But despite it all, the guy is someone who’s creative and hard working, with a brilliant mind for his building. The man is an artist who can get grumpy if you suppress his creative aura, and put his heart and soul into his works. He also has a habit of getting wrapped up in big projects, and ignoring sleep or personal care until he’s finished them. This all leads me to say that Mr Gamers is a Ravenclaw, just not the smartest one. But hey, we can’t all be geniuses, can we.

Slimecicle

Slime is very naive and very trusting towards people around him, taking every word they say as a fact. He can also be a bit dark and ominous at times, but quickly shakes it off as nothing important. This all makes him quite childish, which is very hard to sort, so I’m gonna say Hufflepuff for his friendliness and move on.

Purpled Bedwars

I actually started loving this guy the minute I saw him, purely because Purple is my favorite colour, like my man has taste. Purpled, like Punz, is a guy who helps whoever pays him the most. He’s not interested in most things on the server, too busy looking out for number one (And Dogchamp of course). He’s very self reliant and resourceful, but still quite passive. He may not be the most ambitious guy, but Purpled is definitely a Slytherin (It also brings me and my girlfriend Serotonin knowing that the mercenary siblings are both in the same house, we love those two)

Hannahxxrose

I don’t watch Hannah that much, but god I love her voice, it makes my lesbian little heart happy. Hannah is a friendly person who is very naive about the conflicts on the server, thinking it all can can be solved by placing a rose (God I wish). She’s a good decorator and a good hearted person, who unfortunately fell victim to the egg’s influence. I’m going with Hufflepuff on her, but I’m honestly not entirely sure as I don’t know that much about her.

HBomb94

H is a very well meaning person that only really wants people to be friendly towards each other. He had a strict moral code and he keeps to it, as shown where Fundy tried to get his help with blowing shit up. He’s very helpful to those who ask and is willing to back up his friends when it’s needed, which makes me say that the friendly totally not dirty cat maid is a Hufflepuff.

Connoreatspants

I just want you all to know that I’m writing this before Connor’s lore stream that surely will just go against everything I say because fate hates me, just so ya know. Connor is not a person that does stuff on the server with lore and he for the most part keeps to himself, so this is a bit hard. Connor also has this thing where he likes to say things just to confuse him, and also making a bit of cursed lore, but he’s still a fairly humble person. He does lie and steal a bit, and has this habit of moving into other people’s houses, but I digress. I’m actually leaning towards Ravenclaw on him, for some reason, so that’s what I’m going with until I have more of an established character.

ItsAlyssa

I know she has left the server and stuff, but she was one of the original members so it would be a crime not to include her. Alyssa is a bit chaotic, often going on killing sprees, or burning down the trees outside of L’Manburg. So I’m placing Alyssa in Gryffindor, but to be honest I don’t really know at this point.

Callahan

How do you sort a person who does not speak, stream, or show like anything of his personality? The answer is, you don’t. Hufflepuff is the house of those who don’t fit in anywhere else, and that’s where I’m placing him.

Vikkstar123

Please log onto the server I’m begging you, I didn’t watch you as a kid and honestly know nothing about you. From what I’ve seen of Vik he’s a very humble person that tries to stay out of it all, instead forming a land together with his bro Lazar. Honestly my instincts say Ravenclaw and I trust my instincts, so I’m putting him in Ravenclaw

Lazarbeam

Lazar was actually a big part of the exile arc which I realized after already have written his, so now I gotta rewrite it. Lazar is fairly ambitious on the server, and has the goal to obtain the most powerful objects on the server just to rival the other strong members of the smp. He’s especially against Tommy, and aims to do a lot to be the opposite of him, aka well respected and not a war criminal that got exiled (Totally fair goal). Despite that, he was able to show some empathy to the British child, even going as far as to give him a disk during his exile. This all makes me say Slytherin on him.

Michaelmcchill

Newest boy. Michael is a very apathetic person, showing little to no empathy towards most people’s trauma on the server. The person he does feel empathy for however is Dream, who of course did nothing wrong and is locked up in the prison which is just horrible oh no. Michael just truly does not care about what you’ve been through (as of now) which is why I’m gonna say Slytherin, because he does have Slytherin loyalty towards Mr Was Taken.

TL;DR

Tommy-Lion

Wilbur-Snake

Tubbo-Eagle

Techno-Eagle

Philza-Snake

Ranboo-Badger

Eret-Snake

Nikki-Badger

Fundy-Eagle

Dream-Snake

George-Eagle

Sapnap-Lion

Punz-Snake

Jack-Lion

Schlatt-Snake

Quackity-Snake

Karl-Badger

Sam-Badger

Ponk-Lion

Bad-Badger

Skeppy-Lion

Antfrost-Badger

Puffy-Lion

Foolish-Eagle

Slime-Badger

Purpled-Snake

Hannah-Badger

HBomb-Badger

Connor-Eagle

Alyssa-Lion

Callahan-Badger

Vik-Eagle

Lazar-Snake

Michael-Snake

So all together we have Seven lions, Ten Snakes, Seven Eagles and Ten Badgers. I think that’s fair tbh

[aaronhotchstuff]

🤑 + Izzy?

oh my god. she is the most selfish person ever — but not with her loved ones!! like she will do anything, everything, whatever the hell that needs to be done for the people that she loves without question or doubt but alas, she cannot say the same for everyone else. she’s a friendly person though, and tries to make everyone that she meets feel like their best self in the moment but compared to her family, to sam and dean and bobby, to her closest friends — they’re nothing.

she hunts because she wants to and because it gives her the thrill and the fun that she’s looking for, not because she wants to help people. that was the bonus part for her, in all honesty. like if she’s hunting with the boys and one of them gets hurt, you bet your ass she’ll want to save them first. but of course, with the boys being the kind selfless lovable dorks they are, they always force her to save the victim(s) first.

she’s lost a ton of people in hunts because of this and probably killed more creatures than saved people. and she does feel guilt over those losses, but she doesn’t necessarily do anything to stop this from repeating (aka stop herself from being selfish and put the victims first) so it’s not something that really goes away or something she gets over with.

change starts with ourselves, after all.

and this is actually something that izzy will never outgrow, despite how long she’s been hunting with the boys and everyone else. she will always put her loved ones first, everybody else be damned. even more so when she becomes a mother, so this is one of the many struggles that she and dean has to face in their marriage during the later seasons!! like season 8 onward

send me a 🤑 + an OC and I’ll explain a negative character trait they have / my inbox

[liron-ao3]

Read it on AO3

Happiness is in the having

Castiel never thought he would see Dean ever again. Telling him that he loved him right before he died for good had felt safe, safer than any other time he had just wanted to blurt it out, but his voice betrayed his overflowing heart.

This time is different, though. None of them is dying. Well, Dean managed to get himself killed and the irony isn't lost on Castiel. Everything he touches somehow goes south from there, no matter how good his intentions are.

But no, he mustn't think about it that way. If not for him neither the world would still exist nor Dean would be in the heaven the righteous man truly deserves. And even if Castiel had wanted him to live a long, free, and happy life, with someone he loved, maybe kids (his own or just some he took under his wing), a dog, more pie than was ever good for him, and without the shackles of saving the world around his feet, he is proud of what Jack and he managed in the short time until his arrival.

Castiel looks at him like he has so many times before, his blue eyes scanning Dean's face. But there is something different now. He can't hold Dean's gaze as he once could. Castiel's eyes flicker away again and again, the weight of his confession an obstacle between them.

Castiel always knew that Dean loved him. Well, maybe not always and to what extent, but in the end he was sure about it. That's why he pushed him aside, literally. More than once Dean had tried to protect him, put himself physically between Castiel and an aggressor, even though Dean had been the more vulnerable person in most cases. Castiel wouldn't have put it past him to jump between him and the Empty and there was no way that he would ever let this happen.

But that's all in the past now and despite his best attempt, Castiel can't bring himself to look at Dean long enough to read him properly. The green of his eyes is just too intense, the crow's feet around them somehow wrinkling deeper than ever before.

Dean looks tired, more tired than he has ever seen him, and Castiel wonders what happened in the few days since he let the Empty take him. All he ever focused on was Dean, to protect him and the people he loved. It hits Castiel like an ice-cold shower that he never thought about how Dean would feel after his sacrifice.

Castiel always wind forwards to Dean's apple pie life, leapfrogging the phase leading up to it. Too painful was the thought of Dean mourning him, no matter if as a brother or something else.

Castiel hoped that Dean would just leave their memories behind, that he would be part of the "stuff" Dean would let just go, forget about for his own good. But even with Dean's great talent in compartmentalisation, his grief might have already caught up on him.

He's always drinking himself into oblivion when you die or are gone too long, Sam once told him, pretty wasted himself at that time, and Castiel wants to punch something, maybe himself. Not really taking this possibility into account was rather stupid.

He should have known that his parting words wouldn't be enough to counter Dean's emotions that were always so much more intense than the man allowed to show on the outside. He most likely kept everything inside, grinned and bore it to lull Sam and all the others into a false sense of security.

Why the heck did he put John into Dean's heaven, the man who made Dean push away his own feelings starting the day his mother died?

The silence between them grows and Castiel wishes he just stayed away from Dean's heaven. He obviously doesn't belong here. They have nothing left to say to each other. Castiel put everything out in the open and Dean has no words to voice whatever he is feeling. Just another gift his old man left him.

"I shouldn't have come," Castiel says, casting down his eyes. When there is no answer he looks up, filing away to memory Dean's grown older, but still beautiful features as best as he can, ready to fly away for the very last time.

"Don't you dare!" comes Dean's rumbling voice. "Don't you dare ever leave me again!"

Castiel isn't sure if it's the words themselves or the sound of Dean's voice saying them that let him crumble in his resolve. Maybe it's the tears in Dean's eyes or the angry way he clenches his jaws and his hands into fists.

"You never asked me to stay," Castiel says, his voice so much higher than usual. Maybe he sounds pathetic, but he can't find it in himself to care.

Dean looks bashfully at the ground, jaw still working as if he had to keep a stream of words inside. He inhales sharply. "I do now. Stay. I want you to stay, Cass."

If he still needed to breathe, these words would have knocked the air out of Castiel's lungs, but instead a needy sound, nearly a whimper, comes out of his mouth. How much he had longed for Dean to say it. How many times didn't he and Castiel left him, walked away heart-broken?

"Why?" Castiel barely whispers.

Dean looks at him, really looks at him, and this time Castiel holds his gaze.

"Because I am not as selfless as you think me to be. I can be a selfish bastard. I want you. Damn it, I wanted you for such a long time." Dean swallows hard and runs a hand nervously through his hair. "I love you. Not because you're family, which you are, or because you are a self-sacrificing bitch, about which we still have to talk about ... but because it's you, Cass, ever since we met it's always been you. I really tried not to love you the way I do, to convince myself I didn't, to make my feelings for you ... safe, to keep you on arm's lenght and push you away whenever I just wanted you to choose me."

Castiel's heart threatens to beat out of his chest and he's sure if there was any kind of electricity around them, his grace would spread sparks all around them, like the very first time they stood face to face.

Castiel chuckles. "We're really both a couple of dumbasses, aren't we?"

Dean's mouth twitches into a lopsided smile. He looks at Castiel through his eyelashes, the way he used to look at the women he picked up in bars too many times Castiel could or wanted to count.

The angel's treacherous heart thumbs even harder, his grace thrumming under his skin, ready to explode. This is simultaneously worse and so much better than the constant pining over all those years. Dean has the power to destroy him, a millions year old celestial being and Castiel gave the weapon away freely. But maybe that's what love is all about. Vulnerability.

"I prefer the word 'trusting'. Less dumb. Less ass," Dean smirks.

For the first time since he was taken, Castiel feels a smile growing on his face, relaxing the lines of worry on his forehead. He nods in agreement.

And then there are lips on his own, not comparable with Meg's in any way. They are chapped and still soft, careful and as if they were asking a million questions. Maybe they do.

It's only an innocent brush and still Castiel knows that if heaven was still like it used to be and he died as a human this would be the moment repeating itself for all eternity.

He had been so wrong. True happiness is not in just saying it. True happiness is in the having, in the kissing, in the holding, in the keeping. True happiness is Dean Winchester loving him back.

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

Things get darker right before they get brighter in the end, something three plucky teens are about to learn. Sometimes you just want that darkness to have never had a reason to come for you in the first place. One has to be careful what they wish for, of course.

Welcome to the end, friends

Danny was on the ground, unmoving.

The ghost left with a cheerful wave, saying, “Tata!”  Like he hadn’t just ruined their lives worse than the first time Tucker had heard Danny’s screams at their loudest.  Like it was simply a wonderful day and they had engaged in the most wonderful of conversations, not a fight that ended with one of them-

Danny was in Tucker’s arms, unmoving and pale.

Tucker was trying everything he could think of, removing most of Tucker’s tops and trying to perform every life-saving action he knew off, pressing against his chest, trying to breathe more breath into his lungs, keeping pressure on the bleeding and burnt wound when he saw it.

Danny was in Tucker’s arms, unmoving, pale, and bleeding.

Tucker knew everything was blurry because tears were clouding his vision.  He knew he was crying. He knew he was shaking with the force of his sobs and for once in his life, he couldn’t bring himself to give half a damn about that because Danny-

Danny was in Tucker’s arms, unmoving, pale, bleeding, and his heart wasn’t beating no matter how long Tucker listened for it.

Sam was doing something, pulling out Danny’s weapons, and Tucker wanted to scream at her that she’d done enough with Fenton weapons already.  He wanted to scream and rage at her for what she had done so far with Fenton Tech. He wanted to go to the Fentons and rip them all a new one for making what they made.

Because Danny was dead in Tucker’s arms, and screaming and crying were the only things he could do about it.

But he didn’t scream at Sam, he just watched as she pulled out one of Danny’s paintbrushes and dipped it in the ectoplasm of the cartridge in one of his guns.  She started drawing on Danny’s face, his arms, his chest, and then pulled out another cartridge of charged ectoplasm in another gun and poured it in Danny’s mouth, tilted his head so that he would swallow.  “Chant with me. Chant with me Tucker, we have to fix this!”

Tucker didn’t know any Hebrew, decided he’d learn both because Sam was his friend and because apparently, she could do things that could save their lives with it.  Tucker didn’t need to know what he was saying to say it, and he did say it, over and over again for the next 10 minutes, until the drawings on Danny’s body lit up like fire and every ray of light rushed toward him and everything went dark.  Tucker could hear the song of the universe dimming in his ears and knew nearly for a fact that Danny was sucking the ectoplasmic energy into him along with every other flavor of power within blocks of him. Tucker would let the sun itself go black just to hear Danny’s laugh again.

The darkness faded, Danny’s body was outlined in light, the markings were gone, and Danny groaned.  His chest rose and dropped, his heart was beating, color was coming back to his skin, he was as warm as he’d been since the accident.  Danny was alive in Tucker’s arms, and Tucker wanted to cry even harder than he already had. Instead, the put Danny’s binder back on him, Sam grabbed his shirt and jacket, and Tucker carried Danny out to their hoverboards.  They flew to Sam’s house, Tucker staying as high and close to the sun as he could to let Danny soak in all the light he needed. When they got to Sam’s house, Tucker didn’t let Danny go until he was being set on a love seat on Sam’s balcony.

There were, of course, jokes to be made about the way Danny curled up in the fleeting October sunlight and how his fluffball curls and height combined with this to make him much like a kitten.  Jokes about him being a cross between Superman and the Martian Manhunter could’ve also been made. Danny was a white-haired anime boy, that could be remarked upon with laughs aplenty. Tucker made no such jokes.

Tucker put to use the information he’d gathered at his last LARPing session at furrycon after a shank attempt by a guy who’d wandered into the park where he’d been LARPing at that took their cosplay a bit too seriously.  That being that leather was wonderful armor, silk blocked stabs fantastically when a blade slid through said leather, and that one should always wear cotton under silk anything because sweating to death after a fight near to death wasn’t fun.  He’d smacked a crazy guy upside the head and gotten a useful lesson out of that. Tucker’s older cousin could supply the leather, Sam could order fine silk jackets and pants for all of them, Danny had cotton shirts already, and Sidney offered to use intangibility to fuse the two together.  Tucker commented that the leather would look fitting on Sam since she was more of a punk anyway. She called him a furry, he called her a weeb, and they both explained the concepts to Sydney.

That was all fine and dandy against most blunt force, stabbing and slashing that even a ghost could probably do, but against ghosts and their intangibility, there were few places to go.  Sam had her magick book but Tucker didn’t want to touch on anything supernatural for a while and unless she could prove that her wards were working, he wouldn’t exactly trust Danny’s life with them.  Convincing Jack Fenton that he needed some easily worn and hidden accessory to prevent possession was almost sadly easy, the only condition being that Tucker had to wear one of those horrible looking hazmat suits.  Tucker let it hang in his closet, as he had no intention of matching Jack Fenton’s fashion sense.

One might feel that Tucerk and his friends were being a bit excessive in their measures to keep Danny padded up against the world, but such an individual hadn’t seen their best friend since age 1 die in front of them by the same person’s hand twice so that particular person could kindly go shove their opinion where the sun don’t shine in Tucker’s very polite opinion.

Danny himself was groggy for most of his recovery time and had clearly caught on that they were being extra protective of him.  While Sam was introducing Sidney to anime and videogames and Tucker was showing him the best comics and music, Danny always had whoever wasn’t with the others within arm’s reach.  He was jumpy when it came to his ghost sense telling him that Sidney was there, had his hood up whenever they were outside, and even though they’d been near forcing Agatha’s cooking down his throat at every meal they could, Danny had yet to Go Ghost.  Sam brought up the idea of taking down the shapeshifter and Danny balked at the topic, bringing up the frogs, the latest anime that she had shown Sidney or really anything else when she did this. Tucker was more than fine with this since no ghost mode meant no seeking out danger which meant that the only fights they were dealing with included Dash, Kwan and Dale making fun of them for being a furry, a weeb and a Fenton.  Seeing Sam put her martial arts to use when Dash tried to stuff Danny in a locker was worth the detention he got for tripping Dale as he rushed in to help. He spent it with Sam anyway so that was fine. If wanting Danny safer than Amity was selfish then Tucker was as far from selfless as possible.

“Hey, Danny,” Tucker said while he worked on finishing up the Spector Deflector that Dr. Fenton had started for him in Danny’s workshop.  “There’s a swap meet coming up in Harrison Park this Saturday. Wanna come with? I’m gonna get a set of dice if I can and see if I can show Sidney DnD.  Maybe we all can play even.” He grinned. “We can get you a new bowling ball so you can destroy Sam in bowling.”

“Bro, you’ll be wrecked with her,’ Danny challenged from where he drew in his art book instead of doing his homework.  Tucker was procrastinating by making ghost hunting tech, he couldn’t blame Danny. “That sounds cool.”

“Awesome.”  Tucker set down his tools and pulled up his safety goggles.  “Can you come over and poke this? Very lightly and just a little in case I’m as done as I think I am.”  Danny obliged and there was a loud SNAP accompanied by a yelp and Tucker patted Danny’s shoulder.  “Looks like I’m done with the internals. Now all I gotta do is adjust it so that it can ignore your ectosignature, and Sidney’s and Agatha’s, and it’ll really be done.”

“Done for your armor idea, right?”  Danny scoffed, slugging Tucker in the shoulder while he looked for the blueprint he’d downloaded of the part that’d track ectosignatures in the Fenton Finder.  “Sidney told me about it while we were watching Star Wars. Or should I call it his guard duty shift? Cause I know what you guys are doing and while I appreciate your concern over my safety, I’m the one with powers here.”

“20 hours straight of unconsciousness and tears say that superpowers don’t mean you don’t need protection against people with the same superpowers.”  Tucker huffed. “If we’d been wearing some armor like we’re making then that fish thing probably wouldn’t have been able to bite through me like it did.  Silk and piercing ya know.” He bumped shoulders with Danny when he went quiet and forced his lips up into a smile. “And besides, your parents have literally no fashion sense.  A leather jacket lined with silk? Leather pants, probably with studs in it since Sam is involved? Dude, that’s cool as fuck looking. You’ll be the best-dressed ghost out there.”  Danny laughed and shook his head. Tucker got to work setting up the design for the Fenton Fabricator™ to make for the Spector Deflector. He also considered asking for a cut of the royalties when the belt inevitably became a Fenton Brand item, since he’d finished it.  “You think putting on clothes in ghost form will invert their colors like your suit?”

“Fuck you, Tuck, now I have to find out.”  Danny huffed and Tucker snickered. For a moment everything was quiet, and then arms were wrapping around his middle.  “Thanks, Tuck. For everything.” Tucker looped an arm around Danny and smushed him against his side.

“That’s what bros are for, man.”  The room was a comfortable quiet after that.  The Fabricator and the generator were humming softly at the edge of Tucker’s once again human limited hearing, the only other sound was their breathing and - Tucker could swear - their heartbeats.  The air was charged with something more than ectoplasm and electricity and Tucker wasn’t sure if Danny knew that as well, but he knew that he could hardly know anything else right then. So naturally, Tucker lowered his hand at Danny’s side and started tickling him.  Danny squeaked, squealed out some giggles, and phased out of his grip when wriggling didn’t work.

“You dick!  Get over here!”

Danny appreciated the effort Sam, Tucker and Sidney were putting in for him, he really honestly did.  Sidney still went to his therapy session with Jazz which Danny could tell were helping him by how bright his aura had gotten, and between him and Jazz at school there were at least a few bright auras to go around, but with how things were going, Danny felt at least a bit suffocated.

Half the auras at school - both student and teacher - were dim enough that Danny almost couldn’t see them.  Dash and company had been especially vicious as of late, calling them every name under the sun and getting into actual fights with him, Tucker and Sam.  Between the three of them they managed well enough - being dragged to martial arts lessons with Sam and fighting eldritch abominations from the afterlife did things for your confidence in facing up to bullies - but it hadn’t ever been this bad before.  And while Tucker and Sam both were clearly brighter than everyone else emotionally, they were skirting around things in the most unsubtle way imaginable and Danny wondered how they kept anything hidden. Sam tried to get him into ghost form to see how fast he could fly, Tucker changed the topic from anything ghostly to something nerdy and Sidney seemed to stare at him as much as he did the movies they were watching.  Sure, Sidney was keeping his eyes on the screen but Danny knew ghosts could see more than just with their eyes and the feeling of being constantly watched was getting more than unnerving.

Saturday was a breath of fresh air.  Sam was maybe coming down with something and Sidney was off exploring the city on his own, so it was just Danny and Tucker buying the stuff they’d come for and laughing their heads off at their dumb jokes.  It was sunny, the crowd was bright with positivity abound, and he was having fun with his best friend in the world. It was nice.

Of course, a ghost attack ruined it.

Cotton candy erupted and flooded the place, and Danny slid under a table while the crowds stampeded away, yanking Tucker under as well.  He reached inside, past the void of darkness into the soft and splintered light at his center. It exploded out to the surface and in a flash of silver glass, shimmering shadows wove his hazmat suit around him and unraveled gravity’s hold on his body.  He shuddered, glitching out of reality - or what he was so very hopeful and sure was reality anyway - and gave Tucker a smile. “Wish me luck.” He slid down into the ground and forward, rising out of a mound of cotton candy as big as himself. There was a woman with long black hair, dark green skin, and blue scarce clothing floating over the sweets and stretching her arms.  “I understand a sweet tooth and all that, but this is a bit dangerously Much.” Danny held out a hand with a smile when a sneer was turned his way. “I’m Danny Phantom, hopefully nice to meet you.”

“ I am Desiree,” she said in some accented blend of every language that Danny knew.  It was headache-inducing and he definitely didn’t like it. “ This confection explosion was hardly my intention boy, I am cursed to use my power to grant the wishes of all those who make them. ”

“What, like a jinni?  If I find and rub your lamp and say ‘I wish I had a dick’ do you complete my tra-”

“ So you have wished it, so shall it be. ”  Her hands went up, green smoke curled around him, through him, within him, caressed that inner light and warmth that was his human body, and Danny shuddered in the wake of power well beyond his ability to fully process.  Before the smoke even cleared, Danny could hear Desiree speaking through gritted teeth. “ Yes, boy I am a Jinni.  One of your kind cursed me, both to be trapped in that infernal bottle, but also to use my power for all who catch my ear. ”

Danny was reeling when the smoke cleared, giving himself a mental review of what he could feel on himself and gawked when he realized what had happened.  “Um. Wow.” Desiree was clearly unimpressed. “Uh, well, I know a way I can he-” a ball of ectoplasma, charged up with energy, raced into Desiree’s gut and knocked her back and Danny really wished that people would stop interrupting him.

“Stay away from him, damn it!  Can’t we have one nice day?” Tucker readied another shot and Danny waved his arms to tell him not to.  “I wish I had stopped you from going into that stupid fucking portal! Then we wouldn’t be in this mess!”  crud.

“ So you have wished it, so shall it be. ”  FUCK .  Green mist filled Danny’s vision, and everything went dark.

[peripetual]

I was angry with Steve’s ending at first. But the more I thought about, the more I was able to justify it until I’ve finally found some peace in it. First to clear the air: Bucky definitely knew what was going on. I still don’t fully understand all of the time travel logistics of this (if he created an alternate universe, why was he already on the bench instead of coming out of the portal? Does this mean he was Peggy’s husband the whole time? Is our main continuity actually the alternate timeline that he had created?). Also, I don’t think this takes away Peggy’s autonomy in any way. Assuming the alternate timeline theory is true, her other husband and family still exist just fine in the main timeline. The main problem I had with the ending was the nagging feeling that, well, this isn’t a decision that Steve would make. Until I realized that it might be. 

To start with, let’s take Tony, as a comparison who had a pretty stereotypical hero’s arc and went, in the most general terms, from selfish to selfless (no hate on Tony’s arc lmao I love him and obviously it was more complex than this, but that was the basic transition. He went from egotistical playboy to, well, Iron Man.) Steve’s arc can be thought of as the opposite. He starts out as bright and shiny Steve Rogers, the ultimate underdog who just wants to prove his worth and help fight for the cause he believes in. He’s literally the perfect, selfless soldier. After he sacrificed himself to save the world and went into the ice, when he woke up, he did the same thing. He joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and continued to devote himself to an organization that he believed was protecting the world. He had lost everyone and everything he had ever known, so his entire life became about the mission. But that very organization and, by extension, his entire life, turned out to be a lie. And so he lost that faith in the government and institutions in general. He still hung onto the team he had built, but in Civil War, when Tony was guilt-ridden by all the destruction they had caused, Steve still acted so selflessly. Of course he felt guilty too--anyone who denies that is insane--but unlike Tony, he truly believed that the government couldn’t be trusted to regulate the Avengers. And who could blame him? And so he, more than anyone else, was willing to shoulder the crushing blame and guilt for the deaths of innocent civilians  because he knew that it was what was best for the public at large. But he was treated like a criminal despite the fact that he was just trying to do what was best. Even worse, he was treated like a criminal by one of his best friends, who on numerous occasions (especially at the beginning of Endgame) made it very clear that he still blamed Steve for the things that had gone wrong. He became a vigilante, still acting selflessly but not trusting anyone anymore except for a few people. And then Steve lost his two best friends, Sam and Bucky, for five years. Five years where he was constantly reminded of the fact that they had failed. But he still kept going, and his closest friend by far was Nat, and they kept fighting despite everything seeming more and more useless. And then Nat dies. She sacrifices herself to save the world. And so does Tony, who also sacrifices himself to save the world. Steve is still there, but he can’t shake the feeling that it should’ve been him, and after it’s all over, part of him wishes he had sacrificed himself too. Because he knows it’s a selfish thing to think, but it would’ve been easier. He would have finally saved the world and actually, genuinely helped people; he would’ve been treated like a hero; he wouldn’t have to deal with the gaping emptiness of his life afterwards. Because his entire life had been about the mission, and it was over. And sure, he had Sam and he had Bucky. He had Wanda and Clint and Maria Hill and everyone else. But he knew that if he stayed, he’d always be Captain America. And he was so, so sick of it. He was tired of losing the only people he trusted. He was tired of living life on edge, constantly fighting for other people only to fail and be blamed for it. He had seen how much Tony loved his new, quiet life, and he had seen how quickly everything could be taken away. And one thing had changed. He was no longer trapped here, in this still-somewhat-unfamiliar world that he had been trapped in for so long. He had just seen Peggy, he had seen the entire world--the entire life--that had been taken from him, and now he had the means to get there. And he knew at this point, what with the surplus of more than capable heroes and everything else that we saw, that Sam and Bucky would be okay and that the world would be okay without him. So he finally, after years and years of putting everyone in the damn universe before himself, did something that would make him happy. 

So no, this decision isn’t one that would have been made by 1945 Steve or by 2012 Steve or even by 2018 Steve. But he’s grown, he’s changed, and he’s been through a hell of a lot since then. He didn’t “go back to the beginning” like everyone’s saying, he didn’t fail to move on with his life. In fact, that’s exactly what he did. He moved on. Not in the sense of linear time, but in the sense of his purpose in life and what he had been missing this whole time. He moved on from being a superhero and became someone else instead. And sure, it would’ve been easier if he had died. It would’ve been easier if he had sacrificed himself to save the world and died a hero, exactly like how he started. But this ending is messier and more complicated, and so is Steve. He’s not a different person than we thought he was. 2012 Steve is still 2012 Steve, Civil War Steve is still Civil War Steve. And this Steve is still ours. He still fought to the end to save the world, he was still worthy of wielding Mjolnir, he still understood the importance of beating Thanos and never losing hope. He’s Steve. He’s messy and complicated, parts of him have changed and parts of him definitely haven’t. And that’s why we love him. 

[maxi-multiverse]

My thoughts on Endgame *SPOILERS*

So, I've had a day to sit and think on what happened and I have some thoughts.

Warning: this is going to be LONG since it’s basically my thoughts on the entire MCU. (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Overall, I loved this movie. Definitely one of my top 10 for the MCU.

I almost didn’t see Ant-Man and the Wasp but I am so glad I did. Scott has slowly become one of my favorite Avengers. He brought a lot of heart and hope to the story and any scene of him was hilarious. I nearly cried when I saw Cass as a teenager (if they aged her up for a possible Young Avengers, I am ALL for it). 

Nebula and Rocket were also great. I’m so happy she finally stood up to her father and got to fight with Gamora one more time. Rocket was also really funny in that cynical way (ya know, since he lost his entire family and all). Great balance of both humor!

I definitely squealed inside when I saw Professor Hulk. Bruce has come so far and I’m glad he finally got some closure to the inward struggle he had.

Nat and Clint. I’m thrilled we got to see more of Clint at last and the lengths he’ll go for his family. And Nat, my gods that sacrifice. I knew it was gonna be her, but damn did it hurt. She had nothing and in the end she gave herself up for everything. It even makes Thanos’s “sacrifice” all the more BS. Clint and Nat fought over who was gonna jump. Thanos just tossed Gamora away. I kinda wish we got a double funeral with Nat and Tony, but she wouldn’t want her friends to mourn her, and her sacrifice wasn’t in vain. I just want to give Clint all the hugs.

Tony Stark, I couldn’t be more proud. He started selfish and ended making the ultimate sacrifice. He may not be able to see Morgan grow up, but he saved the world for her and Pepper. He knew what he had to do when Dr. Strange held up that one finger. I cried with Peter when he finally passed. That funeral scene ripped my heart out and it was the perfect end for him. (I teared up when I saw Harley there). He’s touched so many people and he indeed does have a heart.

Captain Steve Rogers. I’ve always loved Cap, I was even on his side for CW. He is such a great foil to Tony. While Tony started selfish and made the ultimate selfless act, Steve started selfless and ended with a selfish decision to start an alternate timeline life with Peggy. And you know what, I’m happy for him. I think after all the sacrifices that man made, he deserves to be a little selfish and have a life. Am I little disappointed it didn’t involve Bucky? A little, but he knew what Steve was gonna do. “Don’t do anything stupid” is his way of saying goodbye. And passing his legacy to Sam was perfect.

Now, I did have one major problem with the movie and that was how they handled Thor. I could make a whole seperate post on how mad I was with what they did to Thor so I’ll just leave it at I didin’t find the Russos cheapening his trauma through losing his mother, father, homeland, brother, and most of his people, and feeling horribly guilty about not landing the final blow on Thanos before he could snap his finger, into jokes about fat slob Thor funny in the slightest. It was really cringy, in the way that you see a family member make a racist joke and just sit there dying inside. He deserved better than this. He did get a nice scene with his mom, but I kinda wanted a little more with Loki. Especially more than stealing the Tesseract again and tossing a cup in his cell (Gods, it’s Agent of Asgard all over again...). Hopefully Thor can pick himself up in the next Guardians movie.

Now, here are some of my favorite moments with little or no context:

- “My pants are wet and I don’t know if was baby me or old me...or ME me”

- “That IS America’s ass”

- “Howard Potts”

- CAP IS WORTHY

- “On your left” (MY BOY RETURNS)

- “Oh, this is nice.”

- “Clint! Give it to me!” (BOOM!)

- "You took EVERYTHING from me”

- “You’re serious? Him?” “It was either that or the tree.”

- SHE DESTROYED THE ENTIRE SHIP

- “Queens, heads up!”

- “Hi, Peter Parker. You got something for me?” (Lesbians protect my boy)

(Honestly there are so many good moments in the climax)

- “I am Iron Man”

- “As long as we agree on who’s leader.” ... “Of course it’s you! I know that!”

**EDIT** - “Shit!” (Can’t believe i forgot that one!)

[bieddiediaz]

endgame thoughts (spoilers!!)

the good

this movie was perfect fanservice. it was the most beautiful way to end the past 11 years of the mcu. it paid homage to the fans who had stuck by it through iron man (the clanging of tony’s hammer after the credits!!! the start of the mcu and the end of an era) to the snap, through twenty two movies. the entire sequence of everyone going back in time was for us, for the fans who had kept it going - the first avengers (i’ll have that drink now), hail hydra (that was so clever, honestly), frigga!!!, gamora and nebula as sisters!

clint and natasha again! this was the first time they showed their relationship properly since avengers 1, and by god did they do it justice. also! nat choosing to sacrifice herself! the agency!! this movie was honestly peak natasha and i t  b r o k e  m e.

tony calling everyone out on not listening to him! honestly, i was satisfied with thanos has been inside my head for six years because i never thought we’d get better. but! this was. ultimate. validation. purely c a t h a r t i c

nebula. nebula my love. nebula telling her past self that she can and does get better! the torture stops! nebula telling gamora that they become sisters! i died. i honestly wanted nebula to kill thanos (because i maintain that she deserved it most) but i’m okay with how it turned out. because nebula healed. before the snap, she found a family with the guardians. with gamora. after the snap - nebula and tony! tony showing her the gentleness that thanos never did. tony teaching her games like a father should his daughter! having nicknames for her! her dressing him and putting him into the seat when she though he was about to die k i l l e d me. also - nebula and rhodey! nebula being comfortable enough with him to call him rhodey. them bonding over being broken!!! perfect victim survival story. i love nebula okay

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE. i have been waiting for this line since aou. steve getting ready to face thanos alone! with a broken shield! the avengers - all the avengers - as a team. against thanos. what they should have been the first time. such 616 feels

i know people are upset carol didn’t have more screentime, but i wasn’t that bothered by it honestly. this wasn’t her moment to shine. her story is just starting. this movie is homage to the heroes we’ve known for ten years, to tony and steve and natasha and clint and bruce and thor, whose stories are closing. they deserved to be the ones who saved the universe. this movie was theirs.

special mention for carol’s comics-esque lesbian haircut.

scott and cassie single-handedly broke my heart and healed it back together again.

sam being the new cap! it’s everything he deserves! (i do what he does, only slower)

and

and

of course

tony

tony stark

tony my love. tony my boy. i love you 3000 okay. you were the shining star of this movie. you are the shining star of my life.

how do i even begin to describe this. tony’s arc was perfect. (i once though cacw was peak tony, and then i thought iw was peak tony, but this movie outdid them all)

of course i’m mad that he died. i don’t think there’s a universe where tony stark deserves to die. tony stark, the futurist, the heart and soul of the mcu, deserves to live. with pepper and peter and morgan and rhodey. he deserves all the happiness in the world.

but

if they had to kill him, if i had to pick one way for tony to die, i couldn’t have picked a better one. he died saving the entire fucking universe. they were losing. thanos had the gauntlet. tony is the reason they won. tony wielded the fucking gauntlet. tony killing thanos and his army (tony dusting thanos!) the same way thanos killed trillions of people - also extreme catharsis. tony stark couldn’t protect the universe, but he damn well avenged it. (tony stans, we got ultimate validation. anyone who dares say tony is selfish or tHe reAl vILLaIn oF tHe mCu now is completely invalid.)

tony being bitter about being right! all this time (a suit of armour around the world), and no one listening to him when he tried to warn them. tony realising they lost because they were split apart (i needed you and you weren’t here. liar.). he found his second chance with morgan and pepper. he didn’t jump back into the fray because his ~teammates asked him to, but because he had a chance to save everyone. to save peter. peak. selfless. tony. stark. tony forgiving steve (giving him the shield that he! made!!) because he knew they had to do this together. i was afraid it would happen too quickly, or the stevetony conflict would be brushed under the rug for ~universe reasons, but they handled it really well. it took five years of moving on and healing for them to reconcile. steve trusting tony (since steve not trusting tony was the thing that started the entire shitshow in the first place) and tony forgiving steve (steve left. steve abandoned everything the avengers stood for). i loved it okay.

tony’s funeral absolutely ended me. i burst into sobs at proof that tony stark has a heart. everyone was there. proof that tony stark was fucking loved and respected by literally everyone. (also, that funeral seemed like a private thing. people who had known tony stark. which means - either friday or pepper let harley in. which means - tony told pepper about harley and how important he was and/or they kept in touch!! excuse me while i go cry even more)

okay

now

the bad

i honestly didn’t have many complaints with this movie, it was such a perfect ending. just two major things -

team as family. they really tried to lean into this trope, but it fell flat after not establishing it over the past avengers movies. i could have bought it if they showed some bonding moments when they were preparing for their missions, but they tried to tell us instead of show us. jokes and quips are fine, but emotional bonding moments/conversations needed to happen more. nat was the only one who seemed like she really considered the avengers as her family. (tony did at one point, but i think that illusion was shattered for him after cacw.)

i… don’t even want to talk about this. this is exactly what i was dreading. i can’t believe the same directors who gave us catws gave us this. steve’s ending was disrespectful to peggy. to sharon. to steve himself. peggy made a life for herself. it’s super disrespectful to suggest that peggy motherfucking carter would settle for anything other than the very best, whether it be her job or her life or her husband. why retcon all that to make her dance with this guy she knew for a few months. it’s super unhealthy for steve. for all the preaching about moving on he did, he himself admits that he hasn’t. a logical, healthy conclusion to his story would be to have him finally do it. instead, apparently he hasn’t moved on from something that happend thirteen years ago, let alone the snap. ugh. what do i even say. (and there’s the tiny little matter that this implies steve made out with his niece. unless he created an alternate timeline. which he clearly didn’t. since he’s there. in the same universe.) of course steve deserves to be happy!! but his arc - which began in catws - should be him moving on. finding a new family. not regressing back to things that should be done and gone.

also, it doesn’t make sense plot wise. did steve hide from the rest of the world? did he live in secret? if no, why would howard keep looking for him in the ocean? he wouldn’t. he wouldn’t have found the tesseract. or dethawed steve’s body in the future. did he hide his name from his family? no, right? then sharon knew?? that she was kissing her uncle? idek man

[belabee]

I’m Not An Angel: Chapter 3

Chapter 3: To Fly With Me Won’t Be Easy

Rating: Not rated (this will be changing in the next chapter)

Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Past Sam/OMC, Past Dean/OMC

Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Past prostitution, (definitely more to come)

Summary: Sam and Dean run into a blast from the past, and old secrets come to light.

Chapter Summary:  Sam and Dean have a little heart to heart.

Author notes: I'd like to thank @daydreaming-scribe for betaing the first 2 chapters for me <3 :* I've uploaded the edited versions and I think they flow better now. I'd also like to thank @teamfreewillbettertogether when I got stuck in chapter 2. I've had a really hard time with writing this past year, despite my best efforts. I've been putting more effort into it lately and hopefully, I'll be able to start posting more regularly. This chapter hasn't been betaed with anything other than my own eyes and Grammarly, so please forgive any mistakes.

Anyhoo… Enjoy?

Read on AO3

The boys trudged into the motel and Sam made his way to where his duffel was on his side of the room as Dean quietly shut the door behind them.

“What’re you doing?” Dean asked quietly.

Sam paused in his task of unzipping his bag. “I...uh. I figured you wanted me outta your hair as soon as possible. I mean, pick a hemisphere, right?” he replied, not meeting Dean's eyes.

God, he hated letting his brother down like this. Just another sin to add to his already long list of unatonable choices.

Not looking harder for Dean when he was in Purgatory. Allowing Dean to think that he hadn't tried at all. Ruby and the demon blood. Lilith. Saying yes to Lucifer. Everything he'd done while soulless. Sticking around when he was obviously a burden with his hallucinations. Getting Charlie involved with the Book of the Damned. Setting Amara free. Getting involved with the British Men of Letters. Trying to drown out his love for Dean by getting involved with other people.

All of them. All of them his choices that got people killed. He had no business loving Dean. He had no right to taint Dean with his affections. Dean deserved better. Dean deserved to be as far away from his impure, despicable-

Sam's internal rant of self-hatred was interrupted by two strong arms wrapping around him. Dean's hands rested on Sam's wrists, halting their task of furiously shoving his belongings into his bag.

“Sam. Stop,” Dean said, gently turning him around to face him. When Sam still wouldn't look at him (Fuck, when had he started crying?), Dean cradled his face in his hands and lifted it to force Sam to look him in his eyes.

“Oh, Sammy,” Dean said, wiped the tears away.  “Shhh, it's okay. ” Dean pulled him close, and Sam couldn't help but hide his face in Dean's neck, clutching tightly at his shirt.

Sam choked back a sob, before shoving Dean away. Dean stumbled back a couple steps with a look of hurt shock on his face.

“No, Dean. It's not okay,” he said, angrily wiping the rest of his tears away. “It's not ‘okay’. I'm sick. I'm wrong. Hell, we've known it since day one that something's not right with me.” He stalked away from his brother, furiously pacing the room, grabbing his belongings and throwing them onto his bed. “I've tried to fight this, Dean. I've been fighting this for longer than I can remember. And every time. Every time I break, I let myself be selfish. And weak,” he said with disgust.  “And every. Time. Someone gets hurt. Or worse. Dead. ” He spun around to face Dean.

“You deserve better. Even you've said so. Hell if I could, I'd bring Benny back for you. Because you were right Dean. He'd been a better brother to you, then I'd ever been,” Sam's angry tirade petered out as tears welled up in his eyes again at that last sentence.

“Oh, fuck you, Sammy” Dean said angrily. “Don't throw that old shit back in my face.”

“I'm not! I'm just reminding you what's true! We both know Benny had been more loyal, more trustworthy than I've ever been. And then there was the siren.” Sam threw his arms out to his sides, frustratedly trying to get Dean to see reason. “Even the monsters could see that you deserve a better brother.” Sam pushed past Dean to continue packing his bag.

“Sure, we're stronger together. Sure, there's nothing we can't do if we put our minds to it. But that doesn't mean we're better together. You're better off without me. And Cas is back, and Jack is doing fine now that he's got someone to guide him. And who better than the Righteous Man and an angel of the lord to guide his way. Jack would be better off not having the Boy with the Demon Blood to corrupt him. And I can just keep hunting, and you'd be safer, happier-”

Sam was cut off by Dean shoving him against the wall. “Jesus, Sammy. For once in your life just shut the fuck up and listen to me,” Dean said lowly. He rested his forehead on Sam's. “Goddammit, we’ve been through this. None of that shit matters. Come on, Sammy. You're supposed to be the smart one,” he whispered.

“Dean, we both know you're just as smart, if not more than-mmf!” Dean placed a hand over Sam's mouth.

“I thought I told you to shut up,” Dean said, cocking an eyebrow. He smirked when that got him a silent bitch face. “There's my pain in the ass little brother that I know and love.” Sam's eyes widened. “Yeah, Sammy. I love ya. I know I never say it directly. You know I suck at this touchy-feely shit. But hell, Sammy. I thought you’da figured it out when we stopped the trials. I told you, there is nothing, past or present, that I would put in front of you.”

Sam’s vision started to blur again. He shut his eyes tight to try to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. “No, Sammy. Look at me. Look at me, dammit.” He opened his eyes reluctantly. “Now you listen to me, Sammy, ‘cause you know I ain’t gonna wanna say this shit again.” Dean took a deep breath before continuing. “I know these past few years have been a roller coaster of shit - hell, our entire life has been a roller coaster of shit - and I say stupid hurtful crap all the time. But you know how I get when I get scared, when I’m hurting. You know because you know me. And all that shit about deserving better, that’s bullshit. Because there ain’t nothing better for me than you, Sammy. You think I’m mad about you loving me as much as I love you?” Sam gasped under Dean’s hand, eyes wide. “I ain’t mad about that, Sammy. I’m hurt. You deserved better than Seth. And I shoulda done more to protect you from that.” Dean slid his hand away from Sam’s mouth to cup his jaw, touching their foreheads together. “Why the hell didn’t you just tell me?” He whispered brokenly.

“What the hell was I supposed to say, Dean?” Sam whispered. “To be honest, I’ve been trying like hell to just block it out. Just lump it in with all the other nightmares, all the other shit we’ve been through. We both know that compared to everything, compared to Hell, it’s nothing. A drop in the bucket of shit that the universe has thrown at us.”

Dean snorted. “Vivid.”

“Dean,” Sam smiled exasperatedly, and Dean chuckled.

They stood there in silence for a few moments, so close that they were breathing each other's air.

“So… um… did, did you really…um..” Dean stammered out quietly, blushing.

Sam smirked. It wasn’t often that he got to see Dean flustered like this. The little brother in him who wasn't dreading the rest of that question couldn't help but want to relish in it. “Did I what?” he prodded in spite of himself.

“Did you really call out my name when you were with him ?” Dean continued, not meeting Sam's eyes for once.  Sam blushed. Damn, guess it had been too much to hope that Dean would have forgotten about that part. “Uhh, uhm, y-yeah,” he replied, looking down.

“Jesus, Sammy.” Dean rasped out and as close as they were, Sam could feel the full body shiver that ran through his body.

“I…I'm sorry, Dean. I really am,” Sam whispered. He closed his eyes, renewed shame fulling him.

“Shh, Sammy. I told you. It's okay,” Dean said pulling Sam closer, wrapping his arms around him. Sam returned the embrace fiercely. “I told you, I'm not mad at you.” Sam closed his eyes and breathed in that nearly forgotten but still familiar scent of home. Of gun oil, and leather, and Dean. “Still, I wish I'd saved it. I'd wanted to,” he whispered.

“I don't think I would've been able to do anything even if you had, sweetheart. It's bad enough I got you mixed up with Seth-”

“Dean, what happened with Seth is on me, not you. I'm the one who decided to taint myself like that. Not that there was much left to taint.” Dean pulled back a little to look Sam in the eyes. “Why do you always do that?” Dean asked, exasperated.

Sam tilted his head, confused. “Do what?”

“That whole impure, tainted thing? You did it during the trials too. Why do you keep painting yourself as less than me?”  Sam jerked his head back a little. Surely Dean wasn't that blind.

“Because you are better than me. Always have been. You're noble and selfless. You're stronger than anyone else I've ever known, and the smartest, most beautiful person. Why do you think Heaven chose you as the Righteous Man?” Sam looked down, “I've never been anything more than the Boy with the Demon Blood, trying fruitlessly to atone for everything I've done.”

“God Sammy, for someone so smart, you sure are an idiot sometimes.” Dean cupped Sam's jaw and tilted his face up. “All that shit? Being good, and strong? All of that has always been for you. And I ain't pure, especially not after all the shit we've been through. I don't give a rat's ass what Heaven has to say about that, we both know that their sense of judgment is more than a little fucked up.”

Dean leaned forward, bringing their faces closer, their lips so close that Sam could almost taste it.

“All I've ever wanted was to be the best that I could be, for you. Because to me, you've always deserved the best.”

End Notes: The next one is gonna take a little bit since it's like twice as long as the rest of the chapters and I'm still trying to find a good point to end it XD Plus it'll actually get to the smut and I'm super nervous about that XD I'm also on twitter though I'm not very active: @belabee33

[evenheroesbleedastonyfanfic]

Chapter 1 “Remembrance Day”

             It’s time. He doesn’t want to but he knows he has to get up. He could hear the alarm clock blaring across the room. Silently he cursed to himself. There’s really no need for the alarm. He doesn’t sleep deep enough to need one but he keeps it anyway.

             It was Steve’s alarm.

             He tried, a thousand times, to get rid of the damned thing. But he couldn’t even find the courage to change the time on it so it didn’t go off at such an ungodly hour. God, why did he always get up so early, he thought. Every time he tries his heart contracts and he’s left shaking and drenched in sweat. So he just lives with it—even though it’s a painful reminder that Steve would never wake up early to watch the sunrise again.  

             Somehow he managed to get out of bed and get ready. It’s Remembrance Day, a day dedicated to the fallen heroes of the war against Thanos. It’s also the day Steve died. A day he would rather forget. A day he can never forget. A day no one would ever let him forget. Because as the world celebrates the bravery and sacrifice of Captain America, Iron man should always bear witness. The husband. The widower. The one he saved the world for and gave up his life.

              To Tony Stark, it was pure torture.

              He’d rather be lying down dead beside his husband. But Steve made sure he lived. That fucking bastard,” he muttered as he made his way to the helipad where the Quinjet is waiting to take him to Washington. There, he and the remaining Avengers are going to be honored for the 7th year in a row. Dead for 7 years and Steve still drives him insane. He’d give everything to have him back.

               The flight was only less than an hour but he could already feel his head throbbing.  He’ll definitely be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Good, he thought. Maybe then they’ll let him skip the ceremonies. As soon as the thought came to him he knew it was never going to happen. The world needed a symbol for their superficial annual grieving. Why they can’t understand that he is still living with the grief is beyond him. All he wants is to be left alone. He doesn’t need to be reminded of how selfless Steve was—he sees the proof in the mirror every day.

              He found Rhodey in the standby room, already finished with his coffee.

             “No Peter and Harley again?” Rhodey asked as soon as he saw Tony by himself. Tony shrugged. He’s used to going alone to this charade now. Peter refused and begged Tony not to force him to attend the ceremonies from the beginning. I can’t do it Dad! I can’t let him go! Meanwhile, Harley stopped coming after the 3rd year. If Peter doesn’t have to go, then I don’t want to go. He wanted to get mad at his children, but he knew how hard it was for them. Things weren’t exactly peachy between Peter and Steve when Steve died. Steve was still trying to make amends for leaving him for Bucky. Peter, who was old enough to understand what his Pops had done, couldn’t forgive him.

             “Isn’t this supposed to start at 8? Where is everybody?” he asked, changing the subject. Before Rhodey could reply the door opened and in came Nat and Sam.

             “Bruce isn’t coming,” Nat spat. “And so is Thor. It’s just the four of us today. I can’t believe those shitheads, missing something this important!”

             Tony and Rhodey exchanged curious looks. Natasha is in one of her moods—something they’ve seen getting more frequent over the years. She used to be one of the hardest people to read but ever since she lost Steve, the person she trusted the most, she had become temperamental and careless. Sam subtly signaled them not to engage with her. And they didn’t. Tony had no desire to further agitate his already massive headache. Hesilently wondered how Sam could tolerate her temper tantrums. Maybe the rumours about them being a couple now are true. Whatever. It wasn’t really not his concern. As long as Sam is there to make sure Natasha doesn’t go off the edge he could care less about their status. He just wants to get this event over with so he could go home and sleep.

             These days nothing hardly ever happens in the world. Yes, they still had the occasional nuisance. But nothing major enough to require the services of the Avengers. They’ve become nothing but figureheads. Perhaps the hullabaloo with Thanos wore out would be bad guys. He couldn’t decide if it was a bad thing. Yes, they had peace. But all he wanted was peace of mind. And since he couldn’t really get that he craved distraction—which is so hard to come by these days.

             Tony silently thanked the heavens when one of the organizers finally fetched them. The presidents were already onstage. It was show time.

               Skies were blue. There was a gentle breeze. Everything looked and felt perfect.

              Fuck me. It was all Tony could think.

              Fuck me. Fuck you. This is all your fault you selfish sonafabitch.

              They were playing a tribute video for Captain America. The background music was deep and sweeping and full of drama. It was supposed to bring tears to everyone’s eyes. He didn’t need an audiovisual cue. All he needed to do was think of his husband’s smiling face, the one he will never see again, and he is lost. Lost in an ocean. Adrift and drowning at the same time.

              His memories took him to the night he first met Steve in person.

              He grew up in the shadow of the super soldier. Steve Rogers. Captain America. All his father could talk about while he was growing up was this man who was the very definition of hero. A man who was so selfless he died to save literally the whole world. To Tony he was like the perfect older brother whose perfectly timed death cemented his place on a pedestal. An older brother he was striving to be, while secretly hating on because he could never be him. He resented him, even though he was nothing but a memory. So when he found out from Fury that Captain America had just been recovered and revived, he just had to see him. He wanted to know if his resentment was misguided. He never imagined that seeing Steve for the first time would take his breath away. He was the most beautiful human being he had ever seen.

              He was still lost in that memory when the first explosion went off.

             “Get the presidents out of here!!!” he heard Rhodey scream. It took him a couple of seconds to register what was going on around them. Another explosion was heard, followed by rapid gun shots.

             “Tony! TONY! Get your head out of your ass! We’re under attack!” Natasha was already running towards the end of the street where the explosion came from. Sam was already airborne, ahead of the swat team assigned to this event. It was pandemonium everywhere.

             He stood frozen for a second.

             Shit.

             And then his muscle memory activated.

             “Friday, get me my suit,” he spoke to his AI. Nowadays he doesn’t wear the automated suit that lets him gear up in seconds. It’s always just nearby though, in this case, in the Quinjet.

             “Already on its way, boss,” his AI replied. A minute later he felt the familiar weight of metal around his skin. It has been so long since he was dressed this way. It almost feels uncomfortable.

             “Look mom! It’s Ironman! He’s back!” he heard a kid scream while he was being dragged away by his mother to safety. The word seemed so foreign.

             “Tony? Are you suited?” he heard Rhodey through his coms.

             “Yeah. Where are you?”

             “I’m escorting the presidents. Sam and Nat are headed east.”

             “Do you have visuals on the bomber?”

             “Bombers. And they’re armed to the teeth—“

              Another explosion shakes them. This time, near the Lincoln Memorial.

              ”Fuck!” Nat’s curse rang in his ear and another memory ate at him.

              Language. The first few years of Captain America’s 2nd life was a source of fond memories. His propriety and naivety gave them all quite a few laughs. But he was also a great leader.

              “I’m on my way to the 2nd location,” he said. He flew towards the Lincoln Memorial, suddenly alert and focused.

              “Tony, please be careful,” said Rhodey.

              “Of course,” he replied. He wanted to be offended but knew his friend only meant well. He knew Rhodey thinks he’s emotionally compromised.

              Nothing could have prepared him for the devastation he found. He smelled and heard it before he saw it. Bodies everywhere. Death. Destruction. The screams of people in pain or running away were piercing. He surveyed the area, looking for the bomber, but all he saw were more bodies, dead and alive. It never used to derail him whenever they were in battle. Sure, he grieved after every fight but during the fight, all he focused on was the enemy.

              He struggled to keep alert.

              “Tony, do you have visuals on the perps?”

              “No, not yet—“

              “HELP! SOMEONE HELP US!”

              A voice steals his attention.

              No. It can’t be.

              “Please! I need help!”

              He followed the voice, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

              “Please, someone, anyone! Help us!”

              There’s ringing in his ears—but the voice was crystal clear. He knew that voice.

              He searched frantically. He didn’t care that the bomber had been forgotten suddenly. All he cared about was that voice. He cannot be mistaken.

              Steve.

              It was Steve’s voice.

              “Help!”

              “Tony, what’s going on?” he heard Rhodey. But he dared not reply, afraid that speaking would break it—whatever spell it was that was letting him hear his dead husband’s voice so clearly.

              “Tony?!”

              He turned off his coms.

              Where are you? Oh God, please let me find him—

              And he did.

[whelvenwings]

Worth

Canon ‘verse Dean and Cas talking about feelings

read it here on AO3!

“Cas, I just - I don’t think we can do this,” Dean says.

And Cas, sitting beside him in shotgun, tastes loss in his mouth. He stares straight ahead.

He’s been waiting for this, if he’s honest with himself. It was too good to be true. He and Dean have been - things have been different between them, recently. They’ve been saying more, showing more. It’s been filling a part of Cas that he hadn’t even understood was aching and empty, until suddenly it wasn’t.

But now...

“It’s - you know, we got jobs to do,” Dean says. Outside, the night rolls past. They’re driving home to the bunker, shopping bags in the back. The trip was domestic, even sweet; but at the check-outs, Cas saw Dean’s face. He’d known that something was shifting. He’d known that there was trouble to come.

“Jobs?” he manages.

“Yeah, Cas, jobs. We got the world to save. Half the time we’re throwing ourselves under the bus so it won’t drive off the cliff, and that’s good, because the bus won’t crash, but...” He pauses; Cas says nothing. “But - God, Cas, it’s so much harder to throw yourself under the bus when you got someone out there who makes you think you shouldn’t have to.”

Cas frowns, and turns to look at him. Dean is watching him, his lips half-shaping new words but not speaking them.

“I dunno, man,” Dean says eventually, looking away. “Just lately... you make me think...” He swipes a hand over his mouth. “God. I don’t know. All I know is, it was a lot easier to lie down and die when I knew I wasn’t worth shit.”

“You were never worth -” Cas begins, and Dean shakes his head.

“See? This is what I mean, you say stuff like that and - I can’t - what if I can’t do my job, what if I can’t save people, when I think I’m - you know - worth something? And that makes me not want to jump in front of that damn bus? What then? No, I’ll tell you what. Then people will die, Cas.” Dean swallows. “People who can’t come back. What if it’s someone else we know, what if it’s - what if it’s Sam?”

Cas is silent, thinking. Dean half-starts a few more sentences, and then lets them go.

The night is dark. In the back of the car, the plastic shopping bags rustle. Cas thinks of the things that they bought: pasta, vegetables… some bleach to clean the floors. Ordinary things, he thinks. Ordinary enough, to humans. And yet, to him - extraordinary.

“I don’t want to stop,” Cas says. His voice betrays his confusion, his hurt, that Dean could think of giving up - that the pain isn’t too great for him to even consider it.

“For God’s sake, Cas,” Dean says, and Cas understands, then, just how much it hurts Dean, too.

“We don’t have to stop,” he says. “Dean, it doesn’t have to stop.”

“I just - what if one day, I wake up, and I think - I think I’m too good for it all? I think I’m worth too much to lose? What if I let someone die, because I end up wanting to believe you when you tell me I’m -” Dean cuts himself off, and shakes his head.

Cas wonders how to shape the thoughts in his mind. He has millennia of watching humanity on his side; he knows how Socrates would answer this, or Nietzsche - but he needs to answer as himself. He presses his lips together, thinking.

The Impala hums beneath them, the road easing past under her wheels.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” Dean says. “Sometimes, I look at you, and I - I want to be selfish, Cas. I want to say, fuck it, let the world sort out its own screw-ups. Let’s buy a house and paint it blue and go shopping every Wednesday, and argue about who forgot to buy the milk. Sam can do the crossword in the newspaper every morning. You can grow plants. I’ll work on the car. Let’s just... do what normal people do, and spend most of our time trying to be happy, instead of trying to keep everyone else alive… let’s just - let’s just be selfish. Because if I’m not so worthless, then why shouldn’t I get that too? Damn it.” He strikes the steering wheel with the heel of his hand. “I just need to - I need to think that I deserve to come last. I need that, to do my job right. See?”

Cas shakes his head slowly.

“No,” he says.

“No?”

“No.” He exhales sharply, trying to marshall the diaspora of his thoughts into order. “Being willing to do anything for someone because you think they’re worth more than you... is a poor man’s kindness.” He’s speaking to the windshield, eyes a little out of focus, as he thinks aloud. He sees Dean turn to look at him out of the corner of his eye. “Perhaps in the past you have put yourself last because you thought you were the least. And perhaps now, it is time to see that you are not the least, and you never were.”

“But if I didn’t deserve it…” Dean begins, and then breaks off. There’s a little pause.

“Someone has to come last,” Cas says somberly, after a while. “Someone, somewhere, has to be last. Has to be the one to… throw themselves under the bus. And you can choose it to be you, not because you deserve it, but just because it’s got to be someone. And you decide that, out of all the equal someones, it’s going to be you.” Cas sighs. He’s not making himself as clear as he wants to. “When you know your own worth - when you know you are lesser than no one, and you would still lay yourself down for them... that is true courage.”

Dean is silent, listening. He’s turned back to face the road. Cas shakes his head again; he’s talking too much, he knows, spinning out what he has to say in the hope that it will change Dean’s mind, and they’ll be able to keep being themselves, keep building a little happiness.

“You don’t have to hate yourself to be selfless,” he says. “And being willing to give everything you have for others is not the same as thinking you are worth nothing. One of those is... insecurity, and the other is bravery.” Cas tightens his hands into fists. “You can know yourself someone’s equal, and still step towards the point of a knife for them.”

Dean looks towards him. His eyes are ever so slightly lighter than they have been - just a little hope in them.

“You think so?” he says.

Cas nods.

“Yeah,” Dean mutters, more to himself than to Cas. “Yeah. I think - I think I get that. It’s something to aim for. Different to before.”

“Maybe,” Cas says. “Or maybe not so different. You are the Righteous Man, after all.” He offers the gentle side swipe as a way to lighten the mood, but Dean doesn’t leap on it like he normally would, like a drowning man; tonight, he seems happy to tread the deep waters.

“So… you think we can do this?” Dean says. Cas watches his profile for a moment.

Do you think we could be brave enough? Dean asks, silently. Do you think we could be loved that much, and still turn our faces towards the hordes of Hell? Do you think we could love each other, knowing that each day could be the last? Do you think we could stop hating ourselves, and still be the people the world needs us to be?

Do you think we could be brave enough?

“I think... you’re the bravest man I’ve ever met,” says Cas. “And I would gladly walk beside you to stand at the last of humanity, and protect them with you. Knowing that I love you, and am loved by you.”

Dean draws in a breath, and lets it go.

“And as for being selfish,” Cas says, “I think we can do that, too, sometimes. Just a little.”

*

If you’re looking for Dean Winchester, look to the last. Look to the end of all hope, the falling of the wall, the breaking of the final heart. Look to find him there, bloodstained, knife in hand, advancing on an enemy who is stronger and older and not nearly, not half, as brave.

Beside him will be his brother, and an angel.

They will tear out their own lungs to save humanity, give the world their breath to breathe. They will hold their heads high, proud, the equals of the people at their backs. And they will walk towards the point of the knife.

They go shopping every Wednesday. And their house is painted blue.

[mittensmorgul]

I rewatched 2.20 this morning, and realized that we’re going to be getting yet another strange look at Dean’s emotional/mental state in just a few weeks when 12.11 airs. While rewatching, I yelled in lizbob’s direction, and I used my random yelling as a loose framework to organize my thoughts around. (basically i copy/pasted my notes and then edited them into Readable Sort-Of-Meta. You’re welcome)

I think the worst bit of this episode is it's all in Dean's head. This is how he thought he and Sam would get along (not at all) if they hadn't been forced together hunting their whole lives.

It's just so sad that Dean's "happiness" isn't really happiness for himself, but for everyone ELSE... or at least what he thinks would make them happy... But also, that's kind of the key to him seeing through the illusion. If he hadn't been that way, wanting happiness for his family, but ALSO happiness for all those random strangers he'd saved via hunting all these years, there wouldn't have been a conflict in his happy djinn world, you know?

The fact that these two "happiness sources" conflicted with one another, that BOTH couldn't exist (in Dean's mind) simultaneously (since in the dream world he’d never hunted and all the people he’d ever saved had actually died instead) gave him the leverage he needed to break through the dream instead of just giving in to it and accepting it.

Too much heart, Dean. It was selflessness. That he feels SELFISH for feeling, because his choice damned Mary to die again (even if she wasn't real), and stopped Sam from living his life (even if it, again, wasn't real there). (It felt real enough to Dean in that moment.) But all the real people he’d saved would live again.

AAARGH 

I hate this episode ;_;

And of course hunting would have to be part of his djinn dream, because he LIKES hunting, it makes him happy, and it's an essential part of who he is. Even if he THINKS that suburban life is what he wants and would make him happy, the djinn doomed itself by letting him live.

Because what ultimately makes Dean happy? would always be saving the other victims and killing the monster.

And then when Mary came back in s12, I think Dean was still holding on to this "Dream Mary." Living in that dream, even 10 years ago, probably reinforced his memory version of her because it was so tangible. Which would’ve only added to his cognitive dissonance over how Mary Really Is. 

Dean says at the end of 2.20, "It wasn't perfect, just a wish," for Mary to have lived. But djinn don't just grant one wish, because you can't give someone an entire imaginary life based off a single wish, you know? It was still up to Dean to generate that entire life from his own imagination.

~~~Time warp to about 10 hours after I wrote those other thoughts down~~

Oh gosh, I'm reading nerdylittleshit's meta challenge thingy, about the apple pie life, and thinking about 2.20... and wondering if 12.11 isn't going to be similarly enlightening as far as Dean's state of mind, his beliefs about himself and the like because it would be convenient to throw him into another djinn dream, but they can't do that, so this might be as close as we get to that kind of look inside Dean.

Sure, we’ve seen an episode where he was physically de-aged in 10.12, but the psychological regression (or losing his memories) we’ve had hinted at in 12.11 might give us something closer to the level of insight into what’s truly going on with him.

Even the last time Dean walked in a djinn dream in 8.20, we only got a partial glimpse into his inner emotional state. First off, that djinn was a “bastard offshoot” of the regular djinn who feed on happiness. Those djinn fed specifically off of fear. Not to mention, the dream itself wasn’t Deans, but Charlie’s. He was only there by proxy via the African Dreamroot.

Which also reminds me of 3.10 (which I’m due to watch this coming week, so I’ll probably have more raving to add to this post after that point...). We got a very interesting look into Dean’s current mental state there, literally confronting a demon version of himself, which finally became the impetus for him to begin searching for a way to save himself from his demon deal (spoiler alert: he failed).

What will Dean’s memory loss reveal about his current mental state? How will losing certain memories affect how he interacts with the world? When he inevitably regains his memories (because I don’t think the back half of s12 is going to be about Sam hauling his amnesiac brother around on hunts), how will he react? Will it give him some insight into what’s really important in his life? With the knowledge of what it feels like to have forgotten things? Like maybe Sam, or Cas, or hunting, or Mary... 

Okay enough of this. I was just having painful Dean feelings and needed to get this all written down somewhere so I can find it again when I need a good cry or whatever

[dreamychick]

Supernatural feelings 12x12

I strongly, STRONGLY suggest that you don’t read this if you like Mary Winchester. Because if you wanna fight with me or call me a hater I am beyond not interested. 

Supernatural episode 12

11 got deleted from my DVR and it's not on On Demand. Damn them

"How about you handsome." AHAHAHAHAHAHA She don't want you Dean. Everyone want's Cas.

"We've been looking for teachable moments."

"The internet here sucks." Poor Sammy

"Why is the upside to smell like food?"

"Screens down. Eyes front. Shut up." "Sorry mom." UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. No. Just. No to all of this.

*Castiel leans in and sniffs* YOU CANNOT SNIFF YOUR WAITRESS OMG CAS!!! I Know you're testing the smells like food thing but baby please.

"My devastatingly handsome friend was just wondering when do you get off." "Whenever I can." "Ayoh!"

"Everything is gonna be fine" *My baby dripping blood AGAIN. First words out of his mouth* "Where are Sam and Dean?"

"The demon who killed Sam Winchester. They're gonna tell stories about me." "Oh no they won't." Yeah, no way Dean was letting you kill his baby brother.

Poor Wally

Slow mo walk down the street? Why does Cas look like the only natural one walking like that?

"Urination I understand."

That demon literally elbowed Dean in the face to get to Cas

Can we stop torturing Cas please and let him get back to being a Bad Ass fighter and not just the one who constantly has to be saved like he's a damsel?

And Sam and Dean show up and Dean runs RIGHT FOR CAS and leaves Sam to ask Mary the questions

Why are we tarentinoing this episode?

Yeah, Mary is literally working with the men who tortured her sons. Nice.

So....Mary is using the Men of letters for their gear. Using her sons for backup all the while keeping everything she's doing a secret? Keeping left and right hands separate? Sigh.

"I think the Demon's spear was poisoned. I think I'm dying." THE LOOK ON DEANS FACE "No. No. You just need some time okay?"

"Sam. Sammy!"

Crowley! Welcome back

"What's up with feathers?"

Lance of Michael. That's probably so powerful

"I was quite fond of the choir boy too." "Shut up. Shut up." Oh man. Dean will break your neck if you insinuate that Cas will die.

"Help us or get the hell out of here!"

"3 Humans with one good liver between them?" .....Who has the good liver? Mary? Or Sam? We know it's not Dean. But then Sam doesn't drink really THAT much. But Mary hasn't been alive for that long, but she could have destroyed it quickly....I'm thinking Sam has the good liver. Which means, Damn Mary, get that shit under control. it took Dean YEARS to damage himself that far. It took you, what? Months?

"Cas come on." "No. You listen to me.Look thank you, thank you. Knowing you. I, it's been the best part of my life. And the things we've shared together. They've changed me. You're my family. I love you. I love all of you." IT PANNED TO DEAN BOTH FUCKING TIMES!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT UNLESS IT WAS A DECLARATION!!!!!

"Cas No." "You need to keep fighting." "We are fighting. We're fighting for you." SAM MY BABY MOOSE YES

"And like you said, you're family. And we don't leave family behind."

OMG. No. Pause. Hang on. Cas and Dean are staring at each other throughout this whole thing. This WHOLE THING. And after Dean says that Cas looks like he's about to cry. He finally knows how much he means to him and it's to late. To late for him to do anything about it. To late to savor it. LIKE FUCKING RIP MY HEART RIGHT OUT. I AM CRYING SO HARD

And Sam. Fuck. Sam is NOT going to do anything less than kill anyone who would even touch Cas. Cas is his best friend. His BROTHER. And he will go down fighting for him just like he would for Dean.

MY HEART. MY FUCKING FEELINGS. So many. I have. SO MANY.

"You steal from me." MARY WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE?

And instead of admitting she took something she's just gonna let the time run down and not say a fucking word. She's going to endanger her sons after this fucking plan IS KILLING CAS and she's not even going to take the blame. She's just going to stay quite. And say nothing. DO nothing as this POWERFUL PRINCE OF HELL threatens to kill her children. Like, you don't value Cas' life. Fine. But your own children? You endangered THEIR LIVES for what? It better be a fucking way to murder Lucifer or take away all evil from the world or something if it is important enough to risk their fucking lives.

(Now I'm not saying she wanted Cas to get hurt or that she planned for it to be this dangerous. But the point is she is doing NOTHING while he tries to be reasonable. He may have let them go if SHE HADN'T STOLEN FROM HIM. Or even if she had spoken up and gave it back. He may have let them go because he doesn't care about anything except being left alone. he wasn't bothering anyone. he wasn't being evil or Malicious. He was fishing. Did he have a collection of powerful weapons? yes. But he wasn't using them. Or leasing them out for communal use either. He was MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS. And you go in and fuck his shit up for the hell of it. Okay and you'll kill him somehow because, this is Supernatural. But you know what's gonna happen. His Sister, yeah she's still out there and she's going to want revenge. So I really fucking hope that this thing is worth Wally's life. YOUR FRIEND that you dragged into this. He was an innocent Mary. But fuck how scared he was. You used him. Just like you use Sam and Dean whenever it's convenient to you. )

Killed with his own Lance. Yup

Snap it in half. SNAP IT IN HALF. Don't just walk over it.

"Cas hang in their buddy."

"What do we do?"

THANK YOU CROWELY

"Cas." DEANS FACE

You got lucky Mary. You got SO fucking lucky. Because when Dean and Sam find out WHY they went on that little mission. And find out that you DID steal. And ALL of this was YOUR plan. And it almost got Cas killed? Oh boy. OH BOY. They're gonna be pissed. If he had gotten killed because of it? Oh you can say goodbye to them. They would not have forgiven that. Being as how he ALMOST died, you can probably be forgiven (By them. Never me) but even so. When they find out. You had better be ready to explain your fucking self and it better be good.

Dean and Sam Hands out IMMEDIATELY to help Cas up.

And as ALWAYS he looks to Dean first and then to Sam

And Dean pats his back as a little extra comfort

"What did he mean about somebody stealing from him?" "Who knows what that crazy man was talking about. Le'ts go home."

AND SHE STILL SAYS NOTHING ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Listen I don't want to seem like I'm to harsh on her because all the Winchesters keep secrets and endanger each other on the regular, but it's always for selfless reasons. Saving each other secretly, sacrificing themselves secretly. What is Mary doing? I don't know but it feels like selfish to me. I could never endanger my kids. No fucking way. And you don't do it so easily. She leaves so easy. She uses them SO EASY. Like she still doesn't see them as her kids, but instead are just fellow hunters that she can use when she needs them for something. Bull. Shit.

"I lost a friend. I almost lost one of my boys." Oh. So Cas is one of yours now? You of all people after the way you've acted do NOT get to act all self righteous now. You knew the men of letters TORTURED SAM. And yet you still work with them. YOU KNEW what kind of people you were getting into bed with. You don't get to bitch about how unclean the sheets are now.

Closing thoughts

I may be hating on Mary to harshly, I own up to that. But these are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them. We have so very little woman on this show and this is what we're given? Have Jody become the regular or Donna or fucking hell even Rowena. At least she admits she's a think for herselfer, instead of pretending to be a good person and then just doing as she pleases. Jody is more of a mother to them than Mary. ELLEN was more of a mother. The two of them always having open arms for their return. Always there to listen. To help. To comfort and soothe. What does Mary do? leaves. Just. Leaves. And then only calls when she wants something. She doesn't call just to say hi. Or check up on them. No. She just calls to use them. And I'm sorry but that really rubs me the wrong way. And it pisses me off. John and Mary are literally the WORST parents. Like seriously. John in the end was at least trying to make up for it, too late, but okay let him try. Mary though, she's been given a second chance to be with her kids and what happens? She pushes them away at every turn. Do I think she wants to hurt them. No. Would she endanger their lives seriously. Again no. She does love them, in her own selfish way, but I feel like other things outweigh any motherly affection she might have for them. And if she stuck around for more than two goddamned seconds at a time she may realize how important they are and she'd be different.

Castiel almost died. And I blame Mary 100%. Like. Yes, Cas has been hurt for Winchesters before. Hurt for Dean. Hurt for Sam. But those were all HIS choices. He chose to sacrifice himself for them. For his family. For the mission. But this? He went in under a lie. She LIED to them. Endangered all their lives for a Lie. Let her friend be killed for a LIE. And it could have killed him. They were lucky. So fucking lucky that they were able to get the upper hand on A Prince of Hell. And they're lucky for Crowley's quick thinking. HE saved Castiel. He fixed HER mistake. And all she can do is yell at the Men of Letters? She didn't even APOLOGIZE. She didn't even try and comfort Cas as he was dying. She said and did NOTHING. Sam and Dean are saying encouraging things, telling him how loved his is and she said nothing. He is "Her boy" and yet you didn't even tell him, "Good fight." Or "Thanks for always keeping my boys safe." She said fucking nothing. And now, she says nothing. She hands over the Colt, one of the most powerful weapons of all time to The Men of Letters. The people who, once again, TORTURED HER KIDS.

That dying deceleration though. Cas loves Sam. That much is 100% certain. But you cannot deny that the way he was saying goodbye to Sam was different than it was with Dean. He didn't break eye contact with Dean except for a few seconds when he looked to Sam. But 9/10 he was looking at Dean. And after Dean said they were family, Cas kept looking in his eyes and started tearing up. That, broke my soul. Like, my heart cannot take it anymore. And even if you say, "Oh it's just because they're really best friends" That's fine, but the fact that Cas felt loved, cared for, needed, special and wanted, and that was only completely obvious to him before he was about to die really tore my heart out. He knows that he is family, just as he is about to leave it for good. He's always thought of Dean and Sam as his family, but to have them say it back, and mean it. He really needed to hear that. He needed it confirmed. And now he knows. He's a Winchester for life. Team Free Will. Together they can do anything.

This episode did a lot of things to me. Some of them good, some of them infuriating, but in the end I guess that's what makes a good episode. One that can make you have such visceral feelings.