#it’s one on one; the loser dies and the winner goes up to the next level

[shy-sapphic-ace]

Alien Stage is literally all I can think about right now,,, the tragic gays,,,

So here’s an edit I made bc I can’t get it out of my head 🤲 (‼️TW FOR FLASHING AND BLOOD‼️)

[dat1angel]

To the Victor Goes the Spoils

Somehow, by the watchers or fate or whatever twisted gods threw them into these games, not only had Jimmy not died first, but he had made it to the final two. Not that Jimmy would know how momentous the feat really was, the losers never remembered. But Scott did, and god he was so proud of his husband. Even if it meant that Jimmy was currently staring him down, calculating how best to kill him. 

It had come down to the two of them. 

The two of them. Always the two of them. Flower fields and hand built wooden walls and a pair of houses dug into stone across from each other and poppies and nights spent in warm arms and that stupid misspelled pufferfish and green then yellow then red red red–

It had come down to the two of them. They had decided to bring themselves down to one hour each and have a fair duel. Whoever died first would be out of time and whoever remained would be the victor.

That’s how they came to be here, facing off in the same place Bdubs and Skizz had their fight on day one, armor tightly fastened and swords gripped in hand. Eyeing each other as they looked for weaknesses and waited for who was going to make the first move.

It was Jimmy, impatient and impulsive, who made the first strike, lunging at Scott and swinging at his left side. Scott raised his shield, blocking the attack flawlessly, and returned a strike of his own. Jimmy tried to dodge but wasn’t fast enough, his arm getting grazed by the edge of Scott’s blade. He hissed in pain but shook it off, going for a second try at landing a hit on Scott. This time he succeeded, managing to make a gash in Scott’s shoulder. Scott let out a shout of pain and took a few steps back. Jimmy saw this and continued to keep the pressure up, taking a step forward for each of Scott’s steps back. Scott threw his shield up, trying his best to keep from taking further damage.

Jimmy’s sword swung towards him. Scott braced for the hit and, when the sword collided with the shield, pushed upwards against the force of the attack. Jimmy was knocked off balance and suddenly Scott had the advantage. Scott pushed and struck, the offensive suiting him well. Jimmy blocked and backed up, trying to get a break from Scott’s relentless attacks, but he was struggling. It wasn’t long until the opportunity Scott needed presented itself. Jimmy stepped back but his foot slipped and he stumbled. He was off balance and vulnerable to attack. Scott could do it. He could strike right now and take the win. But…

Scott hesitates. Because in that moment he was no longer facing down enemy Jimmy of the Bad Boys but his husband, Jimmy of the Hobbits. Gone were the shades resting on his face, leaving warm brown eyes shining up at him. His leather biker jacket was replaced by a Captain America suit. The sight stole the breath from Scott’s lungs and in that moment he just couldn’t bring himself to strike.

Jimmy, however, had no such qualms, taking advantage of Scott’s moment of hesitation to thrust his sword forward and straight through Scott’s chest. Scott gasped and slowly looked down at the wound as blood began to drip down his front then back to the man whose hand still gripped the hilt of the offending weapon.

Something they don’t tell you about these death games is that you don’t have to be the last one alive to be the winner, you just have to be the last one not fatally wounded. If your opponent has suffered an injury that they cannot recover from then you are crowned the victor regardless of if said opponent has actually passed yet. After all, with no way your opponent can survive their wound, what difference does a few minutes make? What happened next, Scott recognized both from experiencing it in Last Life and watching it in Double Life. 

A warm golden glow began to emanate from Jimmy's chest and slowly spread outward to engulf his whole body. The glow then began to migrate upwards, towards his head and then above it, finally coming to rest as a crown perfectly fitted to Jimmy’s head. Scott couldn’t help but feel mesmerized. It was one thing to experience it, but it was a whole other thing to see it happen. He was broken from his trance as a regal chiming of bells sounded throughout the world, officially announcing the game’s end.

The effects of winning weren’t over for Jimmy just yet, however. To an observer, Jimmy now stood there, staring ahead but not seeing as his eyes lit up that same golden color from before. To Jimmy, it was like living a thousand lifetimes all at once. He was overwhelmed as his mind was flooded with sounds and images of him. Him and his friends. Allies, lovers, enemies, strangers. A blonde haired imp, their life forces bound, a ranch, goat horns, burning, wardens and revenge, dying first. Further back, a group of five, walls and towers made of cobblestone, spy-glasses, trust circles, breaking trust, being exiled, dying first. Further still, cyan hair, poppies, promises, cottage homes in a flower field, burning a red banner, alliances with the desert dwellers, a pufferfish- no, a pufferish, a bunker, explosions, dying first. Dying first and leaving him behind, grieving and alone. Jimmy shuddered back into awareness and he was finally released from the trenches of his mind.

Scott, staring into his lover's eyes, could see the moment he remembered. Watched as confusion, then realization, then horror flashed across his face in waves as he processed the new memories, looked at the scene in front of him, his husband, the sword in his husband's chest, his arm holding the sword, and realized what it all meant. Scott simply smiled, even as tears welled in both of their eyes, and brought a shaky hand up to gently cup his husband’s cheek.

“There you are, Petal.”

That was all it took to send them both crashing to their knees, Jimmy’s hands coming up to grip Scott and holding on as if he would be gone if he let go for even a second.

“Poppy,” Jimmy’s voice was watery, “Oh Scott, what have I done?”

“What you had to,” Scott’s voice was quiet as the last of his strength began to seep away from him, “What I wasn’t strong enough to.”

“Oh Poppy, I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t be,” Scott poured as much conviction as he could into the words, “If this is what it took to get you back? I would do it again a thousand times over. I don’t regret this.”

Whatever response Jimmy was going to give was cut off as Scott began to fade. His skin became pale and see-through and Jimmy’s grip began to slip through his lover’s arms.

“No!!” Jimmy cried out as he desperately tried to hold on tighter to his husband. “ I just got you back, I can’t lose you again!”

Scott smiled and let out a weak laugh, “I’ll see you on the outside, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

With the last of his strength, Scott pushed himself up to bring his husband into a kiss. Jimmy let his eyes fall closed as he sank into the lip contact, enjoying their first kiss in far too long. When he opened his eyes again he was alone.

Jimmy choked on a sob. His arms that were cradling his dying lover just seconds prior came to wrap around himself as he screamed and cried and cursed at the unfairness of it all. The spectral victors of the past watched on in sympathy.

Jimmy remembered what Scott had said, though. I’ll see you on the outside. He scrambled to pull himself together, fumbling with his server directory in his haste to return to the main hub. Upon arrival he searched frantically for his husband, but he was nowhere to be found.

~~<*>~~

Smajor1995 has joined the server

Jimmy froze when he saw the notification. Before he knew it he had taken to the skies and was flying as fast as he could towards Chromia, leaving the build he was working on half finished. It had been a week since the end of that infernal death game and Jimmy had not seen hide nor hair of Scott. The most he got was a claim from Martyn saying that his teammate had spawned in the hub and was immediately approached by some people wearing NoxCrew uniforms. They had exchanged a few frantic words then dragged Scott off somewhere. From what he gathered, nobody else had seen Scott after that either. Until now, that is.

Jimmy could feel his heart pounding the closer he got to the colorful empire. He landed with a stumble, taking some damage as he was too frantic to bother with the slowing technique. He immediately took off, running through the empire looking for a glimpse of that familiar shock of cyan hair and the explosion of color that was his clothes.

“Scott?” Jimmy called as he ran, “Scoooott? Sco-”. Jimmy cut himself off as he finally laid eyes on the man he came to find. Relief crashed over Jimmy in a tidal wave. A week of worrying and thinking up worst case scenarios put to rest at the sight of his husband safe and sound in front of him. 

“Scott!” Jimmy cried, launching himself into a sprint towards the man. Scott barely had time to turn towards Jimmy before he was being barreled over in a hug. Scott wasted no time in bringing his arms up to wrap Jimmy in a hug of his own. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other close and taking comfort in the proximity.

“I’m so sorry,” Scott spoke into Jimmy’s chest, “I didn’t mean to just disappear like that. There was an issue with MCC and they called an all hands on deck and I tried to tell them I had to wait-”

“It’s okay,” Jimmy cut off Scott’s rambling, “You’re here now, that’s all that matters”

Scott lifted his head to meet Jimmy’s eyes.

“I love you,” Scott said with insistence, like if he didn’t say it in that moment he would never get another chance

“I love you too,” Jimmy replied and with the same level of insistence Jimmy pulled Scott into a kiss. It was enthusiastic and desperate, like Jimmy was a man drowning and Scott was air, and when they parted they were both slightly panting.

“God, I missed you.” Scotts voice was watery.

“I’m sorry for forgetting.”

“That wasn’t your fault, there was nothing we could have done about that.”

“That doesn’t change that I left you alone for so long.”

“I’m not alone now.”

“No, you’re not,” Jimmy smiled, “and I’m never leaving you alone again.”

[little-blurry-stars]

hiiii i am here to tell you about the dolls of new albion the steampunk opera

so basically it starts with like. a narrator. there is a narrator whose name is kate and she talks about how this town came to be which is basically. a long long time ago there were a gambler and a monk and they had an intense philosophical debate and wanted to decide the winner with a game of cards which went on for Very Long. like so long that they had to build a whole city around it and people would come and watch them play cards. and there is a red haired dwarf with just one eye whose affairs he decides with a pair of silver dice over the zeppelin union pilots a castrati boss presides and we hear his song each afternoon as he flies by. theres prisons made of lead and gargoyles of iron shreds and annabel mcalistair whos raising up the dead ((: this is our first protagonist!! she had no friends growing up because her father was mean and made her do math and science instead and at high school she met this guy jasper and they kissed once but then she got expelled for stealing dead bodies and jasper got married and had a daughter named fay and recently he died. and annabel is very sad and now she wants to bring him back and she resurrects jasper as a lifesize mechanical doll but he can't really speak or move he just plays radio broadcasts sometimes. and annabel is really happy now because she has a friend ((: but jasper was ok dead and he did not want to be brought back. and so annabel is very sad ): and she destroys him again and hides all of her notes and discoveries forever gets married and has a child named edgar who is an asshole. and she died when he was ten and basically what im saying is annabel did nothing wrong in her life ever and i feel very bad for her

anyway the next act begins with an update on the shit going on in new albion basically the red haired dwarf with just one eye whose affairs he decides with a pair of silver dice was killed by his son. two girls are going around committing crimes and they have a pet albatross named simon and a brilliant mouse named sam and uhh yeah let's go meet edgar. remember how i said jasper got married and had a kid called fay when he was alive?? fay is now edgar;s girlfriend. but she is leaving him for a man named silof and there;s this song where all of this is happening called "edgar gets his heart broken" and thats where we got hte wonderful lyric from. the lyric is "i would have had the lime pie but i was dying inside" which honestly same anyway edgar is like "i want to kill you and destroy you. i want you died. #scene #anger #fuck #die #hatered" to silof and then he goes home and digs through his moms old things and finds her formula for raising the dead that no one was ever supposed to find out about oops????? and he starts a business. motherfucker is like "gather round friends today i will choose five lucky people and i will bring back a dead relative of their choice. if all goes well i will start doing it for money and you will have to pay me to bring back YOUR dead relative in the form of a lifesize mechanical doll!!! now in different colors!! ALSO I NEED ALL OF YOU TO FUCK THAT GUY SILOF UP A LOT PLEASE" then he goes up to fay and hes like "listen silof is a loser and i am rich and sexy. also i brought your dad back from the dead. but to talk to him you need to come bakc to me and not leave" and fay agrees but she hates him a lot also can jasper die already (affectionate) so yes i hate edgar a lot he should die so much forever

but edgar and fay had a child they named byron who is a poor little meow meow an d act 3 is a generation later and edgar fucked a lot of things up and now new albion is just. full of undead dolls and there is police that are trying to kill all of the dolls. byron inherited jasper not knowing who it is. and he is now in love with him?????? there is also a political movement called voodoopunk that byron is one of the leaders of alongside his best friend amelia who is also in love with him. but she also has a really shitty life in general like her dad is an asshole basically. and hte people at voodoopunk they want jasper to be mayor of new albion but then jasper sings a song through his radiobroadcast and hes like "listen guys. i was dead before all of this and i don't want to be here" and all the dolls agree and start playing it too and then amelia was like "hmm good point" and kills herself and then everyone in town got mad at the dolls and decided to burn them and byron is Panicking because tjey want to burn jasper too and he pulls him from the bonfire

then act four begins with kate reminding all of us about the gambler and the monk from the beginning. but now she also adds that right before the game was over the gambler was like "oh shit oh fuck im dying" and he swore to the monk that he would be back to finish the game and then died. and then kate tells us what happened in the meantime so byron got himself a trophy wife and they had a daughter named priscilla but when she was sti ll young byron being a part of voodoopunk got taken away by the police and her mother got taken to a mental institution and now there is lots of police going around new albion and destroying every doll that they find. and if they see you keeping one of the dolls they execute you and there is a guy called soldier 7285 who is. important basically to them idk he is Doing His Job Very Well and jasper is still alive and he hides from the police in a room with priscilla and. ok here is the thing the reason kate reminded us of the gambler and the monk. SEE BECAUSE PRISCILLA AND JASPER ARE THE GAMBLER AND THE MONK. ISNT THAT INSANE anyway jasper is like. he complains about being alive and he only stays becaue priscilla reminds him of fay and then hes like "wow haha this game sure is neverending. the only way it would end is it someone did a sacrifice" and then priscilla is like. hm. excuse me and she goes and contemplates and reaches the decision that. she will sacrifice herself for jasper to die because he sacrificed his happiness for her and oh mygod i love them so much do you understand. they love each other so much and i love them and ))): and she calls the police and confesses that she is keeping a doll and jasper is like what why the fuck did you do that and shes like dw we will meet in the afterlife (: ily and soldier 7285 and some other people arrive at the house to execute them and everyone shoots them and kills them EXCEPY for soldier 7285 because he saw that jasper and priscilla loved each other. and hes like hm i should start a revolution actually and he does that and kate is like THAT IS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME!!!!!! that story is a whole other musical called new albion radio hour that i still need to listen to and i will anyway what do you tjink of tdona

that's shorter than i was expecting. tbh but that sounds like a Lot

[hayishmandy]

HayishMandys Hunger Games

Ever wanted to watch your sims battle it out to the death? Settle a debate on what sim is better? Or you're just a twisted person who enjoys ruining the lives of others.  Either way, we’ve all been there. And sometimes you just need help coming up with how to serve your dark purpose. And that's why I've come in to help!

To Begin You’ll Need…

1 overwatcher sim. 

This sim stays out of the conflict and takes care of the lot and serves the food for the competitors.  

In a Community Hut add…

1 couch for napping.

1 shower and 1 toilet for all sims to share.

1 Single Bed

No Kitchen. Limited Access to food

Only Overwatch sim can make meals

Have your overwatch sim prepare a single serving of food to be placed out once a day in a designated zone. 

First come first served.

-At the start of the day you will begin with a Risk Challenge

A risk challenge is a challenge that won't end in the death of another sim. Instead this is to set sims up with an advantage or disadvantage leading into the death challenges.

If a sim wins a risk challenge they receive access to the winners hut!

This is a special home that only the winner and the overwatch sim can access.

This home has access to all amenities such as a kitchen, bathroom, and a bed.

If a sim loses a risk challenge they will be punished.

Create a space where a sim is stuck and has no access to any amenities. Such as a pit or a fence around them.

-At the end of every day you will have a Death Challenge

This event will lead to the death of at least 1 sim.

The first sim that dies loses. 

If multiple sims die at the same time you take the sim whos death notification popped up first. The other sims can be revived with cheats.

Once the event is over you can reset all sims needs with cheats so everyone goes into the next day's risk challenge with needs filled.

Risk Challenge Ideas

Must have a clear Winner and Loser

Treadmill (First off loses)

Painting (Most Expensive Painting Wins)

Fight Tournament 

Fishing (Most Expensive Wins)

Fixing Broken items Fastest (First Electrocuted Loses) 

Ping-pong tournaments 

Water balloon fights

Chess tournament

Rocket building

Knitting

Dance Battles

Darts

Bowling

Trick or treat bucket

Sand building contest

Swimming to one side of the world fastest

Frog Hunt

Comb the beach

Death Challenge Ideas

Starvation

Cow Plant

Swimming

Grill in a small room

Electrocution

Death by Anger

Death by Laughter

Death by Embarrassment

Sauna (Spa Day)

Vending Machines (Snowy Escape)

Rock climbing (Snowy Escape)

Murphy Bed (Tiny Living)

Freezing (Seasons)

Overheating (Seasons)

Lightning (Seasons)

Death by Flies (Eco Living)

Death by Chicken (Cottage Living)

Death by Rabbit (Cottage Living)

Wishing Well (Romantic Garden)

Shark Tank Jump (Get Famous Exotic Pond Item)

Pufferfish (City Living + a sim who can cook pufferfish nigiri that's poor quality)

[lonita]

Monkey wisdom

Zen/Taoist wisdom from the children's show Monkey.

"How long must a fool who misses the way wander through his many lives?"

"Dwelling on your brother's thoughts only multiplies your own, and you are far from the end of the way."

"The eunuch should not take pride in his chastity."

"Whatever you do, you do to yourself."

"The Buddha in each of us knows that no scriptures can save a single soul unless that soul makes the effort to achieve enlightenment."

"You may run from tigers, but where can you hide from your own fear? Desire is unquenchable - you can only free yourself from it."

"The monstrous is only a question of opinion. To some of us, opinions are so precious that we will die for them, again and again."

"Love is no excuse."

"Each life has its way, each way is a journey. And to leap to its end is like jumping from birth to death."

"There will be other demons on the way. No one is without them. The greatest sage is not without his evil. He has mastered it."

"To straighten out the crooked, you first do a more difficult thing - you must straighten yourself."

"Desire is a trap. Lustful desire makes pig of people, and slaves of pigs. One single word makes possible all civilisation. It's a small word, a magic word, yet it transforms, frees everyone. You must whisper it to yourself. The word is 'no'."

"A leather bag is nothing, nor is a bucket, nor a brain. They only become useful when something is put into them."

"Better than a hundred years of worship is the one moment of reverence for the sage who conquered himself."

"The strange fact is that the world goes on against all reasonable odd. A hundred years, and even unimaginable evil is just called history."

"Change is the only certainty."

"Your work is to discover your work. Then, with all your heart, to give yourself to it. No one purifies another."

"The way is never easy. Life hurts. To cure this pain is easy; just wait. It will go away soon enough. Yet there are things to be done. Do them now, or they must be done next time, or the next, or the next. They will be done. Only when they are done is the pain ended."

"Nothing ends, but it becomes something else."

"The winner sows hatred because the loser must suffer. Give up winning and losing, then find joy."

"It is change which frees. Perpetual day or night both enslave."

"As there are questions which have no answers, so there are answers to questions that were never asked. What was its balance? Both are essential. Everything that ever was is essential to make what is."

"Sometimes, to make the stupid grow, discipline is essential. The wrong in stealing something so useless as jewels is less that they belong to someone else, and more that you offend against yourself by coveting them at all."

"Evil destroys. It opposes even other evil. Evil must have good to feed upon. Goodness nourishes itself. When evil has captured the good, evil dies. Then the good will grow again. In these truths is there hope for the world."

"Live purely, be quiet."

"Grey hairs do not make a wise man. A man may waste a lifetime digging up a mountain in search of mythical crows' eggs. A man may waste a lifetime growing rich or chasing power. What is a life that's not wasted? Perhaps one in which we learn a little."

"What is truth when we lie to ourselves about so much, and know so little? What is the universe made of? How big is it? Is it eternal? Which politics are best for society? Even Pigsy understands that certainty is only another delusion."

"The harp does not play music if its strings are too tight or too loose. The music comes only when the strings are stretched just right."

"All journeys have a single purpose - to get to another place. There are places everywhere, and the differences between them are less than you might think. Some places are no more than a state of mind."

"If the world often seems unfair to people who believe in fate, this is because fatalists can come to believe they cannot change or improve. But if there is fate, it is fated that we make our own lives."

"Buddha taught that we are what we believe, and all that we are springs from our thoughts. If deluded thought can call forth ghosts or even death then greed can certainly make a magic wine to corrupt the mind which created it. The world is a trap for fools. Only he who sees goes free."

"Where do we come from? Where do we go? Only the sage knows. And the sage knows such questions are profitless. Daily, the clever man learns something. Daily, the wise man gives up some certainty. Perhaps."

"Love is a force almost as powerful as fire. Without love, we should be cold. Without fire, we should be alone in the dark. Yet for each there is a proper season and a golden mean. Love which fears ebb and flow is jealousy, and becomes a curse. The way is neither in the earth nor in the sky. The way is in the middle, the jewel at the heart of the lotus."

"Ignorance breeds fear, and fear breeds superstition. Ignorance, fear and superstition were always the beginning of nightmare."

"The blows of life transform us. Life will give us many forms. After Heaven and Earth exist, individuals develop to fill a space in-between. The birth is always difficult. We all need help to change and grow, and what if there is no help? No failure is forever. There is always change, and a new beginning."

"All the world shares the same sun. The higher the sun rises, the brighter it grows. The sun needs the earth also, to shine upon. Yet there are those who love the dark. Should the sun stop shining? Everything happens at its own time. What is strong must also be right, for only then will it last. If clouds obscure it, does the sun hurry past them? Clouds will pass. Every day the sun rises again."

"Nothing is destroyed for ever. After ruin comes return. The cruellest mountain has a peak, then the way is downhill; down into a valley which may be in shadow."

"Of those who seek the light, the wisest knows that each night is followed by a day, and day by night forever."

"It's easy to be stupid. Everybody sometimes is. It's hard to be clever if you are not. Is it always better to do difficult things? Does the sun find it hard to shine, the wind to blow, or the river to run? Sun, wind, water, earth - they do what they must simply by being themselves."

"Because great acts are all made up of small deeds, the wise man attempts nothing very big."

"A fool who knows he is a fool is farther along the road to wisdom than a wise man. What is there to know? After every summer comes an autumn, and there are times when even Heaven and Earth do not belong together. Love is not a crutch for cripples to lean upon."

"Who are you? What is identity? You like cheese, and sun on water. You know your age and what happens when your eyes grow tired. Filtered through some predisposition, you are the product of everything that ever happened to you, but if you lost your memory, who could you be?"

"Well has it been said by the ancient sages that of all the ways to clarity, the shortest is the way you choose for yourself."

"You must make the effort to reach clarity, or live life in a dream. Waking from the dream is hard, so be strict with yourself, but never stern. Sometimes, to put right a mistake only causes more errors, then it is better to pass on, and remembering to forgive yourself. Punishment is not an end in itself, and the middle way is golden."

"What is wisdom? It has little to do with beliefs. These change year by year from person to person. Only one who does not dare give up beliefs because he has no wisdom will insist that others believe as he does. Cleverness learns something, but wisdom gives up some certainty every day."

"Regret little. Regret belongs with the past. The future is a dream never realised, the past is a phantom - ghosts and dreams. Now is the only reality, and you will need all of yourself to live it."

"If change is the only certainty in the universe, it is inevitable that things will sometimes grow, and sometimes decay. Some men will grow more gifted, more powerful or richer than others. But if a man grows too rich without sharing his wealth, then like an overripe fruit, he will fall."

"Heaven must love fools, since it made so many of us."

"If it is love which holds so many different people together, there are surely many kinds of love. Which is right, and which is wrong? Is a rose better than a daffodil? Of all the loves, the first love is self. Until you learn to love yourself, you cannot love one another. We are all much more than we think, but are we perfect? It is necessary to change and grow. There is a right time for this, neither too early nor too late. That time is now."

"There are those who give, and those who take. Both extremes are wrong."

"The martyr has gone too far and will not find peace except in death, and the chance to try again. The ruthlessly selfish though are the stuff of monsters. Of those who only take, some want blood, and we call them vampires."

"Feelings are important, and it is wrong to neglect them. But, feelings are only a part of us. They can be mastered, or the tail wags the dog. Sometimes people are as different as ice and fire come together. Why not? A fire will burn on ice if one is strong, and the other is firm enough."

"Nothing lasts forever. In all the universe there are only two constants, and these are one. There will be change, and something that changes. The eternal things are natural, like the seasons, and the life and death of stars. And that consciousness in all myriad life forms will evolve towards knowing that everything is Buddha, and one. Nothing is lost; the total always stays the same. Though there are times which sometimes seem better or worse than others."

"If there is any plan in the universe, it can only be evolving consciousness. This is the difference between human and animal. People feel love and grief for others."

"The pilgrims still have as far to go as they have travelled. What end can there be to a journey as long as life? What end can there be to life? It is very hard to want nothing and to move on endlessly, and it is very easy. There is no end. There is one life, one pattern, and this is the pattern which is being followed."

[realcube]

CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY 

characters ♡ bokuto, tendō, matsukawa & suna

tw ♡ gn! reader, timeskip! bokuto (all sfw tho), swearing, reader wears makeup (matsukawa), swearing, mentions of death & food 

cred ♡ thanks to anon for this request <3

KŌTARŌ BOKUTO

♡ he was literally counting down the days to your birthday, he even took the day off practise to celebrate it with you so imagine his surprise when the special day finally rolls around and he wakes up to an empty bed

♡ at first, he thought that perhaps you were just around the house somewhere but nope, the place was completely empty and even worse, all signs pointed to his theory that you had gone to work/school on your birthday 

♡ outraged. he was absolutely outraged. 

♡ firstly, he tried calling you but you wouldn’t pick up, even after his many attempts so his next resort to call your place of work/school reception 

♡ obviously he managed to get a hold of you then-

♡ he was originally gonna yell about how you lied to him about taking the day off on your birthday but there was no way he could be angry at you — almost ever — so instead, he made the quick decision of telling you to have a nice day before hanging up 

♡ you were kinda pissed that he wasted your time like that but how could you stay mad at him? he’s fkn adorable! he blew you audible kisses over the phone for good luck!

♡ you laboured your way through the day, putting in great effort yet through it all, the only thing on your mind was how much you wanted to just pass out on the couch with bokuto as soon as you got home. you weren’t even sure if you had the energy to change into your pjyamas.

♡ however, when you finally did arrive home, there was no need to put yourself through the onerous task of changing clothes as the first thing you were greeted by when you stepped foot in your own home was a chorus of cheers of ‘surprise!’ followed by people spilling out into the foyer from the kitchen and living room 

♡ then there was bokuto, the loudest of them all leading the crowd, blowing into the party horn while dashing up to, throwing his arms around your shoulders to pull you into a tight hug, ‘happy birthday, sweetie!’

♡ a light gasp escaped your lips at the sudden hoots, and the unfamiliar — and frankly uncomfortable — sight of many friends swarm towards you had you on edge but when you felt bokuto wrap you in his warm embrace, you knew you were home

♡ he held you close until you were forced apart by many guests tearing you away to personally wish you a happy birthday

♡ now that the initial shock had died down, you noticed that there wasn’t as many people present as you thought, it was a humble gathering of all your closest friends 

♡ there was a massive pile of bright-colored gifts lying on the stairs, and it was hard not to immediately acknowledge them as the sheer mass and number of the presents scattered across the steps prevented anyone from being able to go upstairs

♡ the following day, you were made aware of the fact 90% of those presents were addressed from ‘your best ace husband ;)’ which was pretty straight-forward considering you only have one husband; kiyoomi sakusa. 

♡ jokes, you married bokuto but sakusa was also at the party. he originally just wanted to drop off his gift then leave but bokuto persuaded him to stay, though he seemed to be regretting it now as almost everyone at the party now shared an unspoken goal to slam sakusa’s face into one of the cupcakes that decorated the circumference of your cake

♡ speaking of the cake, bokuto remembered what type of cake was your favorite from the wedding planning and he was so chuffed with himself. in fact, he was so confident in his cake picking ability that he ordered a massive 3-tier monster of a dessert 

♡ neither of you would be able to finish it before it goes bad so you ended up cutting it up into pieces  and sending each guest away with a little goody-bag with a slice of cake inside lmao 

♡ once you had finished your goodbyes and everyone had filed out of your home, you flopped onto the couch and let out a deep sigh of relief. well, it was only a sigh for a few moment as it became a wheeze when bokuto laid down on top of you 

♡ ‘happy birthday, (y/n). i’m sorry if i tired you out.’ he hummed, fiddling with your fingers as his lips curled into a shaky smile

♡ ‘i’m a bit sleepy but i had an amazing time. thank you so much, kō.’

♡ bokuto smiled, his heavy lid falling shut as he finally rested his neck, being able to fall asleep comfortably now that you’ve told him that you had fun

SATORI TENDŌ

♡ unlike bokuto, he’ll actually mention your birthday a few weeks prior to the celebration so he can plan the perfect date :3

♡ ‘so do you wanna go to the aquarium or the theme park? because i know we’ve went to the park before but they remodelled it apparently. plus, maybe the aquarium is a bit underwhelming for such a special day, but it’s up to yo--’

♡ ‘we won’t really get to spend much time in either. if you consider the time school finishes, the train ride and the time the aquarium and park closes so maybe we could just chill at my house instead.’

♡ tendō deadpanned for a moment, the most unamused look taking over his features until he suddenly burst out laughing, cackling as if you just told the joke of the century, ‘seriously, (y/n)? you’re gonna go to school on your birthday.’

♡ ‘yes, of course.’ you replied in all seriousness, resulting in tendō awkwardly beginning to stifle his chuckles.

♡ he frowned, slumping back into the seat beside you, ‘c’mon, it’s your birthday, though! you deserve the day off.’

♡ you shook your head, kindly declining his suggestion, ‘i have a test on that day.’

♡ ‘all the more reason to ditch!’

♡ now it was your turn to deadpan

♡ tendō tossed his head back while letting out a sigh  of defeat, draping his arm around your shoulder to lovingly pull you to his chest, ‘alright, then. whatever you want, dear.’

♡ you smiled, glad that you didn’t need to disagree with him any longer — and you were even happier on the day. even though you insisted that he keeps things small on your birthday, he still managed to find a way to make things extra asf by getting you a massive plush that was about half the size of your stature and a hamper of homemade chocolates ><

ISSEI MATSUKAWA 

♡ honestly, he’s never been the best at giving gifts but he tries extra hard for you 

♡ like if you off-handedly say that you are cold during class, he’ll buy you a bunch of new jackets, jumpers and gloves

♡ or if you say you need more mascara, he’ll buy you exact same one you usually wear 

♡ he’s observant enough to notice and remember the exact shade and brands of all your cosmetic products but he’s not observant enough to pick up on the subtle hints you drop as to what you want for your birthday 

♡ you can never guess what he’s gonna get you and that adds to your anticipation for the day 

♡ if your birthday is on a school day, he’ll bring in a batch of homemade cupcakes (which hanamaki helped him with) and stick a candle in one of them for you to blow out 

♡ he offers you one but they are all pretty stale- just smile and nod while your teeth feel like they are being shattered trying to bite down on the cupcake 

♡ it might set off the fire alarm but oh well, just count that as another present

♡ oikawa will probably get you something like a bouquet and try flirt with you so at that point, matsukawa and hanamaki begin using the cupcakes as weapons 

♡ they are a two for one deal so you’re going to be spending the day with both of them tailing you like lost puppies

platonic RINTARŌ SUNA

♡ (requester specified) your birthday is on the same day as his so ofc he’s going to be a little salty abt it 

♡ you both created a game to see who receives the most birthday wishes and whoever won gets ¥1500 from the loser’s birthday money

♡ for the past few years, he’s usually been the winner by just a few but this year, you made it a point to befriend all him teammates in order to ensure victory 

♡ having to pretend to be friendly with atsumu — who wasn’t very good at hiding his massive crush —was definitely a challenge but you powered through 

♡ in fact, you may have played the role too well as both the miya twins gave you a gift 

♡ osamu gave both you and suna a plastic bag filled with some food he made and water bottles

♡ as for atsumu, his gift to you was a massive hamper filled with an assortment of many different luxury confectionary which didn’t look cheap at all but it didn’t feel appropriate to question the price so you simply took it from him with a bright smile

♡ of course, suna was excited (and very hungry) as he expected the same gift but he was more than disappointed when all he received was a bag of chips and a slap on the back

♡ he goes out of his way to tell every teacher it’s your birthday in hopes that they’ll make the class sing happy birthday to you 

♡ but it pisses him off to no end when you add that it’s his birthday too so he ends up getting roped into your misery 

♡ also your thumbs are going to be sore at night swiping through all the various candid pics that suna took of you throughout the day (in less than flattering poses) which he uplaoded to almost all of his social media stories with stupid ass captions 

♡ but dw bc he’ll eventually post a nice photo of you with a sweet message

♡ ‘happy birthday to @(y/n) . i would die for you, bitch (even though you annoy the hell out of me every single day 🤠).’ 

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

May I request Bdubs angst in 3rd Life? I don't really care what it is I just want angst! Be creative! Go wild! -Keralis Anon

ohohohohohohoho anon do not enable me like this /j

...

Bdubs has felt strange for a while now. This feeling started when Cleo died and only got worse from there. It’s like he’s slowly losing the will to live and he doesn’t know how to handle it. Not only does he miss Cleo a lot but also the raging war is starting to wear him down. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep fighting with nothing to fight for.

Even when his alliance meet the Red Army across the battle line one night, his heart isn’t in the confrontation. In fact, he can hardly follow what’s being said until for some reason, he snaps back to attention. He doesn’t know what caused it, but it’s lucky it happened.

“-a fight to the death,” Grian is saying. “Between one of your reds and one of ours. Loser obviously loses a member of their team AND has to relinquish their flag.”

“What?” snaps Ren. “That’s not fair! Your flag means almost nothing to you.”

“Our flag is a beautiful memorial to a dear friend of ours whom you once SLAUGHTERED in cold blood!” Scar snaps back. “We care about it very much!”

“Do you accept my terms?” Grian asks challengingly.

The Red Army whisper among themselves for about half a minute, before Ren steps forward and announces, “We accept your terms.”

“Good. Choose your fighter and we’ll choose ours.”

As Bdubs’s allies turn towards each other to discuss this, Bdubs gets an idea. “I’ll do it,” he blurts out. “I’ll fight.”

Grian glances at him in surprise. “What? Are you sure?”

“A hundred percent.”

“Why are you so eager to do this?” asks Tango curiously. “You’re not the only red on this team.”

“Because I’m part of this alliance and I wanna fight for Cleo’s memory against the people who took her from me,” Bdubs replies, only just able to muster enough conviction in his words to make them believe him.

“Well, okay, then,” says Grian, giving him a nod. He turns back to address the Red Army. “Have you chosen?”

“We have,” Ren replies coldly. “You go first.”

“Fine. We’ve decided that Bdubs will fight for us.”

Ren’s eyes widen noticeably and his gaze flicks to the side, but the person they chose steps forward and says, “I will fight for the Red Army.”

Bdubs’s heart skips a beat. Oh god, why does it have to be HIM, of all people?

Tango glances sideways at Bdubs. “You still wanna do this, dude?”

“I do,” replies Bdubs steadily. “I’m ready.”

He draws his unenchanted diamond sword and steps forward, as the rest of his team retreats to a safe distance.

Across the battle line, Etho pulls out an identical sword and says something to the Red Army before they too disappear to a safe place to watch the fight.

“I’m sorry it has to be this way,” Etho states. “Good luck, Bdubs.”

Bdubs responds by letting out a battle yell and charging to attack.

As expected, Etho blocks his first few swings and retaliates with a few of his own. But the problem with this fight is it’s between two old friends who’ve spent years getting to know and defend against each other’s fighting styles.

The battle is fierce and goes on for a long time. Every time one of them gains an advantage, the other snatches it back within seconds. Their PvP skills may not be the greatest but it’s clear they’re too evenly matched for this fight to have a clear winner straight off the bat.

But after a while, Bdubs starts to tire, and he knows this is his chance. He goes for a clumsy attack, which Etho easily parries, leaving him open and vulnerable.

Etho kicks him square in the chest at full force, sending him flying. He lands heavily on the ground on his back, the sword flying out of his grip. Before he can move, Etho runs at him and leaps in the air, about to bring his sword down on his friend.

Bdubs squeezes his eyes shut, preparing himself for the end.

He feels Etho land right next to him…

…but nothing happens.

When he hesitantly opens his eyes again, he finds Etho positioned over him, the point of the sword less than two inches from his chest.

Etho’s eyes hold a deep sadness. “This isn’t right,” he says quietly. “I don’t want to hurt you, much less kill you.”

This is his last chance. Bdubs thought Etho would just do it on his own, but now that he’s refusing, Bdubs has to intervene. “Do it, Etho. Please.”

Etho blinks in surprise. “What?”

“I want you to kill me,” Bdubs says hoarsely. “Etho, I’m exhausted. Physically and mentally. I just… I just want to rest. Please give me rest.”

“No, I…!” Etho gazes down at him, anguished. “Don’t make me do this, Bdubs. Please don’t. I can’t… We’re so close to the end. We can make it. W-We can make it together.”

“You can make it,” Bdubs whispers, “but I don’t want to. I’m done with this world, Etho. All I want is to rest and see Cleo again. Please… Please get me out of this nightmare. I’m ready to wake up.” He shakily reaches up and touches his hand to Etho’s. “There’s no-one I trust more.”

After a moment, Etho removes one of his hands from the sword’s hilt, keeping the weapon in place, and firmly but not roughly presses down on Bdubs’s shoulder to keep him in place. “Are- Are you sure? There’s no coming back from this.”

“I know.” Bdubs manages to muster a smile, to reassure his oldest friend. “I’m ready.”

He leans his head back and closes his eyes, so that Etho doesn’t have to meet his gaze while he does this. It’ll be easier for him. Bdubs wants this to be as easy as possible for both of them.

Etho reluctantly raises the sword as high as it can go, the tip still hanging over Bdubs’s chest, poised perfectly over his heart. A single strike here will kill him instantly and painlessly. But like he said, there’s no going back. Is he sure he’s prepared for this…?

No, he’s not. But he can’t let Bdubs down.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he brings the sword down as hard as he can. Just as he predicted, this quick, clean strike is enough.

BdoubleO100 was slain by Etho

A few tears leak from his eyes. Realistically, he knows Bdubs will be okay in the long run. They know now that dead red lifers will eventually return to their original servers. So Etho will see Bdubs again.

But that doesn’t make his deed any less painful.

[hekatekun]

The metanarrative’s grand narrative: Osomatsu-san’s characterization throughout the franchise

The growing cynicism throughout the entire Osomatsu-san franchise shows itself in season 3 with more prominence than anything prior. I think that’s pretty common amongst any “long-running” gag comedy - replacing a plot with spiteful commentary that’s admittedly pretty hit or miss at times. However, it invariably creates a negative but pretty funny character growth, and I love the way the show (I’m including the movie too as “canon” material considering season 3 has referenced it way too many times for me to disregard) has set up this metanarrative across seasons. Long post ahead.

Obviously, Osomatsu-san is self-aware and has a casual relationship with itself. No linear plot (though S3 seems to be trying it out and I’ve enjoyed it - I love that they’re willing to experiment), rather a collection of unrelated skits; and so it points out its own metanarrative because of this “lack of consequences.” With comedy comes impermancy and Ososan AND -kun will always bounce back from that week’s insanity. From the Oxford Dictionary, a metanarrative is “a narrative account that experiments with or explores the idea of storytelling, often by drawing attention to its own artificiality.” Basically: a story about stories.

On top of this, is what I’m calling the “grand narrative,” which is often used interchangeably with metanarrative, but here I’m making a distinction to make it less confusing. Of course, Ososan is a story about stories, but with that comes a story it’s not directly telling, which is where most of the (little) character development is taking place. This is what I’m going to call the grand narrative of a show whose premise is being a meta-aware comedy. I’ll admit I’m by no means an expert on these subjects, but storytelling methods are something I enjoy trying to analyze. As a media format, Ososan really utilizes the fact that it’s a tv show.

Right off the bat S1E1 makes it clear what to expect: Nothing. Not a damn thing. But, the show had already been cleared for this first season, so it has to be produced. This same episode’s preview is done by Osomatsu, which I’m just gonna quote instead screenshot because there’s too many.

“...we plan on properly starting the anime the next episode.” “...you ended up with an extra minute, so you need me to do something to fill it?! Actually, is this anime going to be okay with episode one being like this? I’m getting worried about how the rest of this is going to be...” “There, I used up a minute! [EPISODE ENDS]”

Episode one is not only batshit referential, but downright mocking the state of anime in 2015. Which, truthfully, I don’t have much to comment on in that regard, as I’m not an avid anime fan. However, it does this under the premise of being indecisive about what kind of anime they wanted the Osokun reboot to be. 

They’ll do just about anything to stay popular and relevant considering that is, quite literally, all they have going for them as characters in the series and just being characters in general. They may be pieces of shit, but they’re likeable pieces of shit. The dynamics they’ve built upon to be entertaining is encouraged, and they’re basically just roleplaying different skits and fucking around.

All the AUs! All the skits! They’re just playing! They’re just fuckin’ around!! They couldn’t come up with any interesting plot nor could they “graduate” from being anime protagonists and join the real world, so they just fuck around and make a gag anime!

Even if we follow both as the audience, the show makes a difference between the what’s them in their “normal life” (crazy begets crazy, no?) and what’s their “show.” But, really, that’s just one way to look at it, as they don’t really follow any rules as a show. I could say the Joshimatsus are separate characters from the sextuplets, and it’d be a “correct” interpretation. It doesn’t really matter - I’m choosing to examine it all as being the six of them just running around and playing, because being entertaining and having fun is all they know as characters. Besides, having it blended together beyond recognition reinforces how it prioritizes entertaining us, the audience, above logic. Storytelling doesn’t need to make absolute spatial-temporal sense for it to be enjoyable to fans.

In any case, that mentality really seems to be what pushes their character development negative, as they look to reinforce habits and rituals despite them being really detrimental for them in the long run. They know they’re popular characters as is, and with really everyone from staff to fans encouraging this behavior further, so they see no point in fixing what isn’t really broken.

I found this 4 year old article from Manga.Tokyo discussing the Ososan phenomenon in Japan because while the craze died off pretty quickly in American anime circles (which deserves a whole other post), Japanese fans went fuckin’ nuts.

This portion caught my attention, as it makes sense that entitled and enabled asshole children would grow up to be entitled and enabled asshole adults. The article also goes on to compare them to idols (even beyond the F6 spoof) and that they are rooted in being comfort characters above all else. 

It’s worth a read, especially because Japanese fan response is what drives majority of the content post-S1, and, inevitably, ties into their character development. 

They know that they’re Characters, particularly Protagonists. You know what happens to protagonists? Everything works out. Just about every single story created has stuff working out for protagonists. In fact, we have a whole genre made that separates stories with bad tragic endings from our Normal Stories. Ososan is a comedy, not a tragedy, so surely there’s gonna be some payoff somewhere along the road, especially as the seasons and other content are still being pumped out. To a self-aware, entitled, enabled protagonist, assuming everything is just gonna work out for you isn’t that far off from your narrative truth.

However, Ososan is a gag anime, and a lot of gag content (like 4koma mangas) is dropped for other projects before any emotional cathartic ending is provided for characters and fans alike. So, three seasons and a movie later, nothing has happened. It’s a great idol cash cow with a Family Guy filter, and the characters (and writers) don’t even bother to hide it anymore. And I know I’m being hypocritical concerning my definition of “canon material” but I think this portion from one of the drama cds “Choroplex” basically summarizes my point:

CHOROMATSU: Wait, don’t make this into a gag! You don’t even care about becoming employed, right? KARAMATSU: There’s no way that could happen... CHOROMATSU: What kind of future are you imagining? Is it nothing but this? [HUGE PAUSE BEFORE THEY MOVE ONTO SOMETHING ELSE]

They’re parodies of themselves and are running out of ideas. Stagnation and decay is normal, if not unavoidable, at this point in time for them. They’re just 20 somethings who’ve hit a wall but they’re too scared and insecure to bring about permanent positive change. It’s easier for them to fall back into normal patterns and joke off the rest.

They have an antagonistic relationship with expectations. They can’t handle a single iota of expectations, or responsibilities. They’ve never needed to worry before, so why bother now? Once the biggest hits on the block, now they’re just guppies in the ocean, and there’s nothing they believe themselves to be able to accomplish to keep up with this big brave new world. This is epitomized in S3E15, where old man Osomatsu tells a bastardized version of the Tortoise and the Hare, blatantly projecting his feelings onto it. Again, too many screenshots so let me pull more quotes (bolding for my own reference):

“The place that the tortoise thought was the goal was not actually the goal. His journey down the road of life still continued on. The tortoise was quite tired, but he continued running anyway.” “No one actually knew who was in front anymore. There are too many people above you.” “After the tortoise found out how society worked, he thought, ‘So this is the difference in talent? No amount of hard work is going to fix this. All right. I’m done competing with others.’”

S3 has left more questionable endings than its counterparts. The last 2 skits I referenced don’t even a gag to them, and the marriage skit doesn’t play music for the entire second half of S3E5. There’s more involved too. I haven’t even brought up the rice ball twins becoming actual entertainers in their universe, or how they introduced this whole AI subplot only to reject it because All Six Of Them aren’t interested in expanding their little corner of the world. Here’s a transcript of the ending preview from S3E1:

“Hey, hey, Osomatsu here. I thought we were saved from being replaced, but I guess we get new characters next week. Man, we’re busy. New encounters, changing surroundings... We’re NEETs to begin with because all that is a pain. I guess a lot can happen after three seasons. [EPISODE ENDS]”

The sextuplets’ mindsets are extremely self-centered, which is also an environmental thing (the parents don’t even really care that they’re NEETs, for one) and an understanding of what they ought to be (epic successful protagonists). They also have a very black and white mentality, all or nothing. They’re extremely sheltered, and once they realized where they stood in society at large, they just gave up. To them the world is divided between winners and losers, and somehow, “inexplicably,” they found themselves to have fallen from grace. But they’re protagonists, that has to count for something! Everything’s gonna end up okay, right? Well... what this show has told them: No, not at all. They are consistently compared and warned of Iyami, and are perfectly aware of this fact, and have come to internalize it as a truth rather than a reversible self-fulfilling prophecy.

Too many screencaps, taken from the S3S5 marriage discussion:

JYUSHIMATSU: I wonder if we’re gonna get married someday, too. CHOROMATSU: Well, I mean... probably? I’m not exactly sure, but... TODOMATSU: What? You’re gonna get married, Choromatsu-niisan? CHOROMATSU: Huh? Well, yeah... someday.

Surprise! They have commitment issues! The same group that couldn’t commit to a fucking plot! Though their personality issues have several factors involved, I can’t overlook the theater motifs abound. Life’s a stage, and they’re performing entirely unscripted and it shows.

Do I think all of this is 100% intentional on the writers’ part? No, probably not. There’s also an extra layer here regarding contemporary Japanese commentary that I’m not familiar with, so I just ended up focusing on the characters. I can’t be in the writers’ heads, but whatever decisions are being made by executives regarding censorship and “compliance” are reflected in these character changes that result in being significantly more bitter and defeatist.

In the all or nothing, winner-take-all mentality, the only way to save face at this point, in their minds, is to own up to it - act like it’s what they wanted all along. And, hey, it’s funny to watch, right?

“Why is Osomatsu all my examples”, you might be asking. Well, he’s the damn blueprint for it all. The leader of the bunch, the first personality to grab your attention, has had all his issues projected and ricocheted in their echo chamber.

Ultimately, my point here is that you could think their “canon characterizations” (though canon means nothing in a show like this) as being intertwined with the nature of their self-aware existence. They’ve shown you all their tricks, the smoke and mirrors are getting boring, and they’re stalling long enough the story seems to be moving on without them - in spite of them. And when something genuinely threatens their way of life, they don’t know how to respond.

You can play it all straight, of course. Remove the meta jokes and all the same plot points can be hit, but, as a slapstick comedy, it’s able to easily add this additional layer in that I appreciate. I’ve said it in my last post and I’ll probably say it in more, but with comedy comes sincerity - the caveat of all the cartoon violence is that, on some level somewhere, this is how they really feel.

[meltwonu]

32. “If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.”

86. “Stop distracting me.”

notes; fratboy!seungkwan, gamer!reader, mutual masturbation, dirty talk, webcam fucking, mentions of sexting/sending photos 🥴💕 in hindsight I should've saved the chan fratboy drabble for today but!! that got posted closer to seungkwan’s bday so lets just say they switched 🤣 Also, UIMY ch 1 on Friday and then inbox roundup on Saturday!! 💕  As always, thank you for requesting!! Enjoy! 💕

“Stop distracting me.”

Seungkwan laughs at your frustrated tone; eyes rolling from the small window at the corner of your computer screen. “I saw that, Seungkwan, and I mean it! I told you it was okay to facetime me while I played a few rounds, so don’t make me regret it!”

“I don’t know why you’re so focused on this anyway, it’s just a game!”

This time, it’s your turn to roll your eyes at Seungkwan who shakes his head in mock disappointment. “The contest is next week and I fully intend on beating your frat brothers. They’re too cocky for their own good and need some humbling, if you ask me.” Laughing, you leave your PC screen on the home screen of the game; stretching and cracking your knuckles before readjusting in your computer chair. “Anyway, we still have our bet going and I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain when they lose.”

Seungkwan groans and nods; as much as he hated the rivalry that your sorority had with Seungkwan’s fraternity, he still made a bet with you that whoever’s team won the tournament, the loser between the two of you would have to do whatever the winner asked of them.

And Seungkwan knew that if you won, there’d definitely be handcuffs involved. 

Again.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, as if I’d forget. You only remind me, like, every other day.” He retorts.

“That’s only because last time we had a bet, you dipped and skipped all your classes for a week to avoid me.”

Seungkwan’s cheeks burn crimson at the memory. You’d spent the week prior sending him teasing text messages of what you wanted to do with him and almost all of them included him tied up, blindfolded, or both.

“Anyway, can we change the topic? Are you still gaming? Or are you done for today?”

“I wanna do one more round before I tap out… Why?”

“No reason~ Go start your game.”

It’s halfway through your final round that you start to get suspicious of Seungkwan.

There’s hushed laughs and feverish clicking on his end that has you extremely distracted from your game as miniscule as his movements were. “What’s so funny, Seungkwan?”

He licks his lips, setting down his phone that had all his attention moments prior. “Ah, nothing really. Just going through our old text messages ‘n stuff. There’s a lot of good pictures and videos in here still that I should probably save.” A shiver rolls down your spine, momentarily missing your target on screen as you curse under your breath.

“W--which ones? I don’t… remember…”

“There’s so many, baby~ My personal favorites though? The videos you sent of yourself riding your favorite dildo, crying out my name when you squirted all over your bed sheets.”

You rub your thighs together under your desk, gulping as the memories suddenly all hit you at once. “Oh, uh, w--what else?” Seungkwan picks up his phone again, scrolling through and choosing a video to play for you.

The sounds of you gagging on his cock suddenly float through the speakers as your entire body flushes hot. He turns his phone so that you can see what’s playing on his phone screen and it completely catches you off guard as your character in-game dies and exits to the home screen.

You find your focus on the video instead; watching yourself sucking off Seungkwan from underneath his desk, lips stretched around his girth as you worked to deepthroat him. Your throat goes dry when you remember how hard Seungkwan fucked you after taking that video.

“Fuck…”

“Hmm? Oh, did your game end?” He responds teasingly, already knowing you were completely distracted. “This one is my favorite too.” He swipes at his screen to another video, this time playing one that was a close up of his cock thrusting into your soaking wet cunt.

“You begged me to fuck you all night long when we took these. Look at how wet you got my cock, baby. Don’t you wish we could do that right now too?”

Your lips are parted, soft breaths spilling past as you rub your thighs together in hopes of alleviating some of the pleasure building up in your body. On screen, you watch Seungkwan thrusting into you slow and steady as your wetness coats his cock; whines and whimpers hitting your ears.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m--”

“You’re what? Getting wet?” He quips.

“Shut up and get off with me or I’ll hang up.”

You watch through the, now, enlarged window as Seungkwan’s delicate hand moves up and down his cock.

“Mmh, f-fuck, I swear once this contest is over…” You whimper, legs spreading as far as they can go in your computer chair to show Seungkwan your fingers knuckle deep inside your pussy.

“I don’t care who wins anymore, I just need you to fuck me!”

Seungkwan laughs under his breath, watching as you easily add another digit. His grip on his cock tightens and he finds himself thrusting up into his closed palm a little quicker when your moans float through his speakers.

“God, you sound so pretty.” He starts, “And let’s be honest, you always say that but we both know you’re a sore loser.”

“Ngh, fuck--fuck y-you.”

“I know you want to, baby~ Ah, I should’ve shown you the pictures I was looking at too. Pictures of my hand wrapped around your pretty throat while you’re cumming, your mouth filled with cum… I’ll have to send them to you again to remind you.”

You scissor and curl your fingers, pumping the digits hard and fast while Seungkwan continues to describe photos in your chat window.

“Oh, and the one of my fingers inside your ‘lil cunt, fingering my cum back into you.”

“G-god, please, ah, Seungkwan…”

He licks his lips, eyes leaving you for a second to peer down into his lap. Precum leaks from the tip of his cock and he’s quick to smear it down the shaft as a shaky moan leaves him. “Fuck, I gotta admit… It’s not as good as when you do it, baby.”

You clamp down onto your fingers, thumb on your clit as you start to rub quick circles on the nub. “Y-yeah? Bet you miss my mouth on your cock, huh? Choking on it and taking it deep in my throat.” The pleasure starts to build up quickly as you imagine it’s Seungkwan’s fingers in and on you instead of your own. “Mmh, fuck…”

“Just like how I bet you miss my cock filling up your pretty pussy. Hitting all the spots inside of you that get you cumming in minutes, hmm? Fucking you into my bed sheets over and over, getting your toes curling when you’re cumming for the fourth time before the sun comes up~”

“O-oh, god, Seungkwan I’m--I’m gonna c-cum…”

“Go ahead, lemme see your pretty face when you’re thinking about my cock, baby~”

You thrust your fingers faster, hurriedly inching towards an orgasm as Seungkwan’s moans and clipped breaths get louder. He’s not too far behind you; cock throbbing in his tight grip as he watches your face contorting in pleasure.

“S--shit, ‘m gonna cum too…” He mutters, eyes clamping shut and body tensing up. “Cum w-with me...”

The two of you cum at the same time; muffled cries of each others’ names rolling off of your tongues as the pleasure washes over your bodies.

Seungkwan’s hips thrust up into his palm; coating his skin in the warm, sticky substance. “Ngh, fuck, baby…” You whine in response, walls fluttering around your fingers as you continue to curl and scissor the digits as you ride out your high.

“Mmh, I f-feel so, ah, h-hot, ‘Kwannie…”

You both fall into a comfortable silence as your orgasms ebb away; bodies buzzing with electricity despite your tired eyes peering into the webcam. Biting the inside of your cheek, you weigh your options.

“... Do you wanna c-come over, Seungkwan…?”

Your voice is small and slightly slurred from the slight tiredness you feel, but you had to admit that you only craved him more now.

“Are you done playing your game for today or…?”

“I mean… I’d like to play one more round since you distracted me earlier.” You laugh, slowly easing your fingers out of your wet cunt.

“You can come over and wait ‘til I’m done doing one more round? And if you interrupt me one more time, so help me god. I won’t even wait ‘til our bet is over to handcuff you to my bed.”

[achubbydumpling]

(Get Your Kicks On) Route 66

Rating: Mature Words: 1901 Relationship: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski Additional Tags: Public stuffing, Roadtrip, Chubby Stiles

Summary: Stiles and Derek enjoy their first vacation together. Stiles suggests they take on various food challenges to save money while on the road. However, Derek's werewolf metabolism deals with the excess food a lot better than Siles' strictly human one.

(I tried a bit of a different approach to a stuffing, a bit more focused on the way it makes Stiles feel. Hope you enjoy it!)

“It winds from Chicago to LA More than two thousand miles all the way”

“Oh, my God. This is such a good idea! We’ll save so much money.” Stiles was waving the menu around while he talked and almost knocked over his glass of water.

“Right, Derek?”

“Right. Awesome,” was his clipped answer. Derek looked like his usual grumpy self, but with his hand on Stiles’ thigh and with how close he was sitting, Stiles didn’t worry about the slightly pained expression on his face. He’d soften up once the breakfast crowd died down a bit and there weren’t this many people around.

Read on AO3

“We just have to finish those three pancakes and then the food is free! Even if we can’t finish it’s 15 dollars to try and we can take the leftovers on the road.”

Stiles didn’t want to throw in the towel before the challenge had even begun, but it was probably for the best to not go into this completely blind. While waiting for their server to return Stiles looked up eating competitions online.

They did have 90 minutes in total to finish all the food, but Stiles hypothesized that eating as quickly as possible would be the best strategy. Derek argued that they should take advantage of all the time they were given. Now that Derek could focus on something else than his surroundings his hunched over posture slowly relaxed.

The banter eventually escalated into a bet that whoever finished first got to choose a punishment for the loser. Stiles was almost certain he would lose out against the werewolf metabolism, but he didn’t think Derek would go for a particularly harsh punishment. He would have never agreed to this with Scott because he always chose the most embarrassing punishments.

This was his and Derek’s very first vacation on their own after finally sorting out their mutual pining. The road trip had been planned for close to year. However, the exact date had always been pushed back by another monster of the week ruining their plans. Instead of making a round trip they had flown up to Chicago and rented a car instead of taking the Jeep like Stiles had initially planned. The old girl probably wouldn’t have made it anyway.

Another consequence of pushing their vacation back was the weather. Instead of driving in late spring or early summer, when the heat would have still been bearable, it was August—the hottest month of the year.

The AC could barely keep up and all the people that had just eaten breakfast here had heated the small diner up even more. Stiles poured himself another glass of ice water.

He was looking forward to when they would get far enough south to where diners started serving real sweet tea. Boyd had shared a few stories with the pack about the summers he had spent on his uncle’s farm in Georgia. How the only thing that could chase the sweltering heat away for a moment was the ice-cold sweet tea his auntie always kept in the fridge.

When their food finally arrived at the table the server could barely fit both plates on the small table for two. Each pancake was twelve inches in diameter, the stack was piled high with maple syrup, banana, and whipped cream.

“Wow, these are huge!” Derek stifled a laugh.

“There was a picture in the menu.” The server cleared his throat to get their attention before they could dig in.

“When this,” he held a tomato shaped kitchen timer up, “goes off and you have not finished the challenge you will be—” he sighed and made an unenthusiastic buzzer noise “—disqualified.”

“Thanks, pal.” Stiles grinned back. The server glared at him for a second before he wound up the timer and left the table.

“Man, that guy is in a bad mood.” Stiles tried joking around with Derek before they got serious about this challenge.

“You haven’t worked in hospitality before.”

“And you have?” He took another sip of water and waved the glass around threatening to spill all over.

“Summer job.” Derek shrugged and finally picked up his fork.

“Wait, you can’t just drop something like that and not tell me more details.”

“If you don’t want to pay for this mountain of food you better dig in.”

Stiles whined Derek’s name annoyed, but also picked up his fork.

“On three,” Stiles said, but Derek was already chewing the first bite.

“Cheater,” Stiles mumbled around a mouthful of pancake.

These were a lot flatter than the standard-sized pancakes. Probably deflated by their own weight, but the mixture of flour, sugar and oil tasted great all the same. Stiles hadn’t had banana pancakes before, but he welcomed the fruity sweetness in contrast with the straight up sugar of the rest of the meal.

Stiles surprised himself when he managed to keep up with Derek all through the first pancake. When he got started on that second one, he even pulled ahead for a bit, but he hit a wall as soon as half of it was gone. It felt like his stomach had suddenly closed down shop and he felt almost nauseous when he thought of eating even more sugar.

However, when Derek pulled ahead and finished off his second pancake without any trouble Stiles doubled down. He knew it was a loosing battle, but he wasn’t about to give up this easily. Yet, as willing as his mind was, his body failed him. With about three quarters of the last pancake left his determination flagged.

The food weighed heavily in his stomach. The vague nausea from eating way too much sugar curled up into his throat and had him sipping water to try and wash it down, which only made him feel even fuller.

Stiles could picture exactly what he looked like right now. He’d done this in front of his bedroom mirror. His stomach rounding out, like half a beach ball taped to his front. The curve of a belly looking out of place on his thin frame.

He had always loved to eat, not only for the sake of taste, but also because of how it made him feel. Sated. Heavy. Tethered down and not constantly in danger of floating away in his own mind. That moment when his thoughts finally ground to a halt and all he could do was to be overwhelmed by that feeling—almost on the wrong side of too much to handle.

However, he wasn’t at that point yet. This was more of a mental block. Unlike Derek, he didn't really have a sweet tooth. Stiles preferred salty, greasy substantial meals over dessert any day.

Stiles had been sat staring at his plate before Derek leaned against him to whisper, “You ok?”

Stiles groaned but picked up his fork again. Derek didn’t seem affected by the amount of food at all. Then again, the wolves always had to eat a lot just to keep their mass up. They leaned out quickly without enough food, preserving energy.

“Just taking a break.” Stiles could see Derek shifting in his seat, the wolf always craving closeness. They’d talked about this, whatever it was, after Derek had accidentally seen Stiles once afterwards. Stiles had tried his best to explain while still caught in that blissed out state. He didn’t know how but Derek had somehow understood.

Derek finally put that last bite in his mouth and then moved closer to Stiles. The entire side of his body was pressed up against Stiles. He was carefully draped over Stiles shoulders offering support, but not crowding him in. Stiles was still steeling himself for the next bite when Derek’s hand slipped under his shirt. Knuckles dragging against bare skin.

Stiles yelped and grabbed at Derek’s wrist. “What are you doing?” he whispered urgently.

“Helping,” Derek answered and furrowed his brows. Like always. Except they were in the middle of a restaurant and not locked in Stiles’ bedroom.

“Stop. Someone is going to see you,” he paused to search for the right word but then just flicked his eyes to where he was still holding Derek’s wrist.

“We’re not coming back here. You wanted to do the challenge.” Stiles wanted to whine and complain at Derek, but he was right. Stiles had suggested doing the food challenge. He’d honestly just thought about getting free food, only when they had already ordered, did he even think of this possibility.

“Plus,” Derek almost purred into Stiles’ ear, “winner gets to choose a punishment, right?”

Stiles’ “not really a punishment” died in his throat when Derek pulled him almost into his lap and his knuckles started digging into the roundest part of his stomach. They probably just looked like an overly affectionate couple, but that didn’t keep that searing hot shame from bubbling up. Stiles wanted to hide his burning face against Derek’s shoulder. He wanted to push Derek away. Stiles wanted to cram the rest of the pancake into his mouth to keep himself from thanking Derek out loud for getting his hands on his stuffed belly.

Derek hadn’t seemed interested in participating in Stiles’ peculiar activities but every time they had somehow ended up in that situation again, he had gotten more and more affectionate towards Stiles and his bloated middle.

“You’re gonna finish that, aren’t you?” Stiles shook his head, but he stabbed his fork into the pancake, nonetheless.

“Are you?” Derek asked again, a teasing edge to it. Stiles didn’t trust his voice and just nodded.

“Yes, look at yourself. The first chance you get to stuff yourself full of some food and you run headfirst into it.” Derek cupped his bloated stomach and lifted it up a bit.

“Look at that. All the food you stuffed in there making a nice little belly. Do you want to eat like this every day?” Stiles pushed another bite past his lips almost all whipped cream.

“Do you?” Derek prompted him. A whine caught in Stile’s throat, and he pushed it down with another forkful of food. He nodded and hummed agreeably.

“You’re just so greedy to be stuffed full.” Stiles was burning up but instead of reaching for his glass of water he gathered the last bits and pieces on his plate.

“You know what’s gonna happen if I let you eat like this every day?” Stiles was fast approaching the simple state of mind he was craving. He couldn’t decide whether to nod or shake his head. The motion of Derek’s hand on his stomach softened. Rubbing large circles into the stretched skin.

“You’re gonna get fat if you eat like this every day.” With that last mouthful Stiles had finished the challenge, but all he could think about was what Derek had just said.

“Feels so good,” Stiles said. Words slurred and a dopey smile on his face while he turned further into Derek’s body.

“Feels too good to stop, huh? Never had all that food just for free. That’s why you dragged me out here, off the highway. Not because you cared about what you’d eat, but because of how much. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Stiles whispered. “Every day.”

“Then it’s a good thing we’ve got four weeks on the road and me to take care of you.”

“Won't you get hip to this timely tip When you make that California trip Get your kicks on Route 66”

[victimhood]

The one in which the Euros 3rd place playoff is abolished after Italia 1980, and then restored at short notice for Italia 2028, making it the historic occasion in which a whole country cockblocked their captain Nicolò di Genova.

It is June 1980. The European Championship is taking place in Italy. It is the first edition of the tournament with eight teams, divided into two groups. The winners of each group move on to play in the final, and the runners up of each group move on to battle for third place.

It is the final edition of the Euros to have the third place playoff. With dwindling attendances and television viewers, UEFA deems the fixture unnecessary for future editions of the tournament. Italy hold Czechoslovakia to a 1-1 draw, and the match is decided on penalties. The final outcome? 9-8 to Czechoslovakia.

For as long as it has existed, there has been vocal opposition to the third place match. There are those who question its purpose, who see it as a meaningless extension of the tournament for advertisement money. A kinder commentary on offer is from those who see it as cruel to make losers play yet another competitive fixture, for little to no reward. Just think of the fourth-placed team—they played better than the rest of the competition except three—yet they must go home with the bitter memory of having lost twice.

On the other camp, there are those who recall with great fondness the third place match of the 2002 World Cup between host nation South Korea and Turkey. If that doesn’t work for you, what about the consolation it offered to the host nation in the 1990 World Cup, a breakout tournament for Italy’s Roberto Baggio?

Now we skip to June 2028. The European Championship is once more taking place in Italy. There are twenty four teams divided into groups, followed by a knockout stage. There is no third place fixture on the schedule. The much-beloved Italian captain takes his team on a blistering dream run, in front of an adoring home crowd, beating a well-regarded Portugal and incumbent holders Belgium along the way. He has declared his intention to retire for good, once this tournament is over.

Picture this: you are Italy. You play England in the semifinal in Napoli, at the Stadio San Paolo, also known as the Stadio Diego Armando Maradona. You arrive in the stadium, or you watch from home, full of hope, with faith in your captain and your squad. Your team scores one at the 20th minute. Perfect opening. England try but they can’t get past the deadbolt across goal, past your much vaunted defensive line. At the 63rd minute, Foden puts one past your goalie, but VAR rules it offside. At the 89th minute, the scoreline is still 1-0 and you’re nearly through, and some egregious fans are already cheering, and then Foden gets it in for real in a stroke of sheer luck. The ball hits the crossbar but somehow bounces downward into goal. The game goes into extra time, and then to penalties. The final result? England wins 4-3 on penalties. This is a brutal game. At the end of your match, your captain sheds tears and apologizes for not being able to do more to push the team through to the finals. No! You want to scream. Caro Nicolò, il nostro capitano, it’s not your fault. You have done so much for us. You begin to blame yourself: it’s us, it’s our fault. We dared to dream too early. You were so busy dreaming of your beloved captain raising the trophy that you forgot the game wasn’t over. In fact, even before this semifinal you were already dreaming of the trophy. This is how fate punishes you. You hate to see him end his career this way. He didn’t let you down, you let your captain down! Can we do this one over? You’ll do right by your captain this time.

Picture this: you’re the president of UEFA, and the tournament is hosted in your home country. It would have been the honor of honors, to award the winner’s medals to your compatriots. The papers are raging over the match outcome: England squeaked through on a razor’s blade, and Italy were the more inspired team. The fans are out in the streets. The people have spoken! Let us bring back the third place match! Let us see our captain off with dignity and honor! Your colleagues say: this is preposterous. We got rid of it years ago, because of Italia 1980. But does anyone really remember why? The advertisers tell you they’re willing to pay. One extra match means extra revenues. Worse things have happened in the pursuit for money. What’s the harm in a consolation match? An emergency meeting is called. Who’s playing in the second semifinal? France and the Netherlands. Both their feds agree to the third place match. From the next tournament onwards, there’ll even be a sweet cherry of a coefficient bonus—all the feds agree to this, but it would not be fair to the rest to apply it this ongoing tournament (and you hear minor grumbles from the FIGC, FFF and KNVB, who think they should be compensated for the inconvenience). No matter; the people have been given what they want! Another football match in the grand machine of things! The meeting takes so long that France beats the Netherlands 3-2 in the meantime, and now someone has to do the unpleasant job of telling the players. Were any of them consulted in this affair? What a preposterous concept. That’s not how UEFA works. UEFA says jump and they say how high.

Picture this: you are Nicolò Di Genova, and you’ve played the final match of your professional career. It did not end in the way you wanted, but such is life. You are ready to put your former self in the grave. You say goodbye to your treasured teammates, and the very next morning you check out of the training center to make your way to Turin, to see your fidanzato in the semifinals. Well, he crashes out too, his downfall orchestrated by that paraculo of your club teammate, Sébastien of the number 23. And so it is England vs France in the final, to be played in Italy. The thought of it turns even the strongest stomach of any citizen of this noble country. The only silver lining to this cursed final lineup is getting to whisk the love of your life off into the secluded countryside, and maybe with a few rounds of passionate lovemaking you can even forget the pain of loss.

You’re in the car. You just picked up your inamorato from his team hotel. You want to push him into the backseat and blow the brains out of him but you have better self control than that.

“How does retirement feel like?” he cracks a joke at you.

“You know full well my plans,” you return cheekily.

You’re driving off into the E70 when your phone rings. It doesn’t stop ringing so you pull over to take the call.

It’s your national team coach. “They just restored the third place match. Can you come back to the training ground?”

Who agreed to this? Your mind is reeling from the preposterousness of it all.

“They love you, Nichi. The people want you back.”

You exchange a look with your lover. Now his phone is ringing too. It’s his coach.

Due to this unfortunate turn of events you end up having an argument with your lover. You are principled, and having principles means not giving in to this total farce of a circus show, the third place match. Your lover is an incurable romantic, and pleads on behalf of your people. They did this all for you—show them some love in return. And what was the meaning of the past 31 years of your life again? You have already given them everything.

If only the people of Italy knew how much they had to thank Yusuf Al Kaysani. It’s because of him—it’s because of his beautiful deep brown eyes that glisten with all the stars of this universe that you cave and you agree.

“Get out, let’s switch. I’ll drive, and you call your mom and tell her the news.”

How do you begin to articulate how much this man knows the answers in your heart before your brain catches up to the same conclusions?

And so, like Lazarus, on the fourth day of your death you come back to life.

ITA vs NED

Picture this: you’re the cameraman, in the tunnel. The teams are lining up. The two captains emerge from the dressing room and compliment each other on their good looks with wry smiles. Some good natured ribbing, you think. They’re old friends. They played together for eight years at the same club. The Italian captain puts his hands on the Dutch captain, and then, like magnets, his hands seem incapable of leaving the Dutch captain’s back. You start to feel uncomfortable, like you’re seeing something that you shouldn’t be seeing. You look around. Everyone else in the double file of blue and orange is just chatting away, acting normal. Maybe...it’s just your imagination? You train your camera on the chatting crowd, giving the captains space. The match officials appear, taking the lead in front of both teams. You get in position for the money shot, following the two teams out of the tunnel and into the adoring crowd.

Picture this: you have never missed a single football match your grandson plays in. So when there’s a surprise third place match announced, you have to bail on karaoke night with the girls to watch the match on tv. Your friends don’t watch football, but if they do, they watch for the “hot guys on the Italian team”. Oh yeah, he’s playing Italy, you tell them. Feel free to come over to my place, if they don’t mind your oldest son and your rowdy grandchildren. Karaoke night swiftly becomes football night. There is an argument between Hamza and his dad over the pointlessness of the third place playoff. So...your family has been behaving in an unusual manner for several months now, and you suspect it’s because your grandson said he is gay. The papers here don’t report it, because they still want to claim him to some extent, but you have noted that the coverage is more conditional than before. You don’t live under a rock, and you’ve seen the news on YouTube even if no one around you is prepared to talk about it. As the two teams walk out of the tunnel and onto the pitch, you notice the Italian captain letting his hand slip from your grandson’s back, and Hamza suddenly jumps in front of the TV screen to adjust the volume.

“What the heck are you doing?” Mehdi, Hamza’s father and your eldest son, yells.

“The audio was...wonky,” Hamza replies sheepishly. “But I think it’s okay now.”

The match begins. At a corner kick, the Italian captain practically plasters himself all over your grandson, and it’s Hamza messing with the TV remote again, this time accidentally switching channels. Mehdi slaps him in the back of the head. You think that maybe it’s time you called Ibrahim. Someone needs to tell you the truth they’ve been so bad at hiding. Your grandson is not just gay, he seems to have a lover, and it’s that evil-eyed captain, the man who curses all who cross him.

Picture this: you’re a fan from the friendly town of Muggenbeet, watching from the San Siro. You came all this way to support the Oranje and they had to concede that final goal to France in front of your face. Sore and in denial about your loss, you start to make jokes about Waterloo to cope, handing the French off to the English. And then—out of nowhere, UEFA announces that they’ll restore the third place match. You think it’s the most shameless attempt for the host country to award themselves something ever. But, you know, does anyone really want to watch an England-France final? No. Never. For forever. We hate them both. It’s not football. It’s a circus of clowns. The viewership for this third place match is through the roof, higher than for your semifinal vs France. Let’s just treat this as the real final. What a galaxy-brained idea. Your country could steal it from the hosts—no hard feelings to Italy. You’ve enjoyed the pizza and the pasta, maybe it would be fun to crush their team like little peppercorns to sprinkle on your food. Based. Now you want a cacio e pepe after the match. Wait, you’re not in Rome, where the real (fake news!) final is. Boo. There is a corner, right at the end where you are sitting. Poepjes is taking it. Dekmijn and Blootgat are running up. Your captain is being felt up by the Italian captain. (No literally, that guy isn’t even looking at the goal? He’s just...pressing himself against your captain? Why are his hands encircled around Al Kaysani’s waist like so?) Anyway, the ball pings between the Italian keeper and Blootgat, and then it flies into Di Genova’s rather shapely calves...and bounces into the goal.

Uhhhhhh, THANK YOU? Grazie mille Nicolò Di Genova!!!! You gave us one goal!!!

The Italian fans must be flabbergasted. Isn’t this the dude’s retirement match? Or whatever. Who knows. Italy is a place of the greatest contradictions, so you’ve been told. But you’ll take what you can get. You kinda feel bad for the guy, who has buried his face in his hands. Maybe...you should cheer for him. And so...the lot of you, the orange lot, sitting in the Curva Sud, you start singing for the Italian captain. Nicolò Di Genova! There’s only one Di Genova!

The third place match is the most lawless ninety minutes in the historical timeline.

Picture this: you’re an Interista and season ticket holder. And of course you support your national team. You were heartbroken when the England keeper denied Marcuzzi to progress to the finals. You cried when your captain cried. And then, out of nowhere, they said, let’s bring back the third place match. The finals are in the Stadio Olimpico, so...maybe let’s have the third place match in the San Siro? You score a ticket at your usual seat. You get to see your captain one more time before he rides off into the sunset? What more can you ask for? This is romance of the highest order. The San Siro loves Nichi, of course all the staff and volunteers come together to make the event happen in a matter of days. You can’t believe this is happening. And then...your captain opens the scoring with an own goal. The Dutch fans are singing for him. What do you do? Well, if you can’t beat them, join them—you can sing louder for your captain! He’s your captain! And you know, their captain, he’s kinda your guy too, because Sempre Inter. Revenge is served, sweet and cold like a scoop of gelato, when your captain heads in the equalizer. The crowd goes wild. He’s taking this match seriously, but you knew he always would—that’s why you love him. He could ask for your firstborn and you would gladly give it up. You can always trust your capitano. There is a penalty call in the second half of the match and his teammates give it to him—a little unorthodox—but like a deadly sniper your captain sneaks a cool and calculated one past the Dutch keeper. You cheer. Does it count as a hat trick when you’ve scored at both ends? What a scoreline to retire to!

Picture this: you’re Yusuf Al Kaysani. You just lost in the third place match, a match widely panned as the least necessary match in a tournament by those who don’t know better. And yet, the third place match is the purest expression of love for the beautiful game. All other matches are clouded by the temptations of fame and fortune. The third place match you play for love and honor. You watch from the sidelines as your boyfriend leads his team to collect the medals, from none other than Paolo Maldini. Maldini, who’s doing an admirable job as UEFA President. Who knows where and how they got these medals at short notice—sometimes this country pulls miracles like a rabbit out from the magician’s hat of chaos. Everyone in the stadium is acting like this is the final. It’s not—it’s something a little better, a match born of love, played for love, with nothing to win and nothing to lose.

There is no trophy to lift, so Nico’s teammates lift him. They’re yelling for you. You’ve played with and against at least 90% of that team. Come join us, the men in blue say, and everyone forms a circle, arm linking arm, bouncing to the music. There are no losers here—your whole team is invited to the celebrations. The Dutch fans are singing: Second place! Second place! Let’s pretend we’re second place!

Let’s be real, for this one night, in this exact stadium, there’s only one captain, and the ones in the know push you towards him. Here’s your man, the unspoken acknowledgement. But you know your place—this is not your night. This night is for him. It’s for the country that loves him, and for him to say one last goodbye. Daniele Pirozzi jumps on the captain’s back, and the captain carries him for a while, laughing away. Pirozzi, whom you spent countless hours training how to read the field, in a fashion after yours. And then there’s Boselli, Marcuzzi, Poepjes and more. From one generation to another, the baton is passed. Nico, look around, these are our boys, as good as any. They’ll be better than us, and we are happy to see it, for the love of the game. Pirozzi jumps off the captain’s back and jumps onto you, asking you if you want to lift the captain together. You laugh and agree. On the count of three, uno, due—

Picture this: you’re Nicolò Di Genova, and you’re sitting on the shoulders of your protegé and your lover. Here we can mark the passing of the guard—tonight you are unburdened and the only thing that’s left, you realize, is love. Yusuf was right. Look, look how much they love you. Even San Paolo did this for you. Could you ever have denied all of them this? You almost screwed it up at the beginning, but perhaps God was just reminding you to take your responsibilities seriously. You are but a servant of the game and this ground is your ground, your hallowed ground, the church of your sins and glory.

It’s the final competitive match of your career, and you get to walk off the field, arm in arm with the love of your life, cheered on by a country you gave everything to.

Now, for the rest of your life to begin.

(chapter 106: nel blu, dipinto di blu, of The Beautiful Game)

[hollowxxclouds]

The Capture of Ryuk

Monday Morning:

A regular day for 15-year-old Ryuk in 1980, in Westville, he was serving at the bakery, Charlotte’s Home Sweets.

“Come on Ryuk! Business is coming low!” Mrs. Charlotte hollered from the front door of the bakery,

“Yes, Mrs. Charlotte!” Ryuk replies as he brushes off the sweat from his forehead. Legend says Mrs. Charlotte has been running the bakery since WW2, and she doesn’t even seem that old. Although her mood has never changed, you see Mrs. Charlotte’s husband was fighting WW2 but died in Hawaii when Mrs. And Mr. Charlotte were on vacation, she managed to escape, but Mr. Charlotte was right on the scene, and Mr. Charlotte died. But Mrs. Charlotte heard something strange in that scene, Mr. Charlotte’s last words were, “Aliens are here..” and aliens were of course make-believe in the WW2 occurred, so no one genuinely believed in aliens.

“Hi, Mr. Buck, what would you like to order?” Ryuk questions, as he has a coffee in one hand cinnamon rolls in another,

“Oh come on Ryuk! You know I love the regular!” Mr. Buck exclaimed as he pointed his smoking pipe to Ryuk. Mr. Buck’s smoking pipe was from his great grandfather.

“You know where this pipe came from?” Mr. Buck asked,

“N-no sir,” Ryuk stammered,

“A day in West Virginia, My great Grandad, was on his carriage with his two white horses, Philly and Emilly, he was having a normal day going to his work when he heeded something very glistening, he deemed it was a bird with a fragment of glass, but a tobacco pipe came falling’ from the sky, he called it the ‘holy pipe’”.

“Wow I didn’t know that, but could that glistening thing be aliens?” Ryuk questioned,

“No son, there is nothing such as aliens.” Mr. Buck frowned, gave him the money, and left the shop. Later that night, Ryuk came home and started arranging dinner, he seized out two eggs and started boiling them. Ryuk thought more profoundly about what could have been the glistening object in the sky, Ryuk smelt some burnt smells and black dust coating the kitchen, he instantly lowered the heat and poured the burnt egg on a plate, and threw himself on the sofa going into a deep sleep.

Tuesday 7:30 am:

“Knock! Knock! Ryuk! Are you there?!” The newspaper yelled. Ryuk heard some mumbling sounds, and then quickly got up and brushed his eye with his quite red fingers, and opened the door,

“Yes?” He squeaked tiredly,

“Newspaper!” The guy said, Ryuk took the newspaper from him, and locked the door with his lavish strength, he opened a window and then launched the newspaper outside.

8:45 am:

Ryuk locked his door and headed outside, to the bakery, to start his very hard-working job. Ryuk lost both his parents at the age of 5 months, he never really knew what happened to them.

“Oh good! Start by cleaning the dishes!” Mrs. Charlotte said in a somewhat polite way,

“Yes, Mam!” Ryuk answered with very little enthusiasm.

5:30 pm:

It was the end of the shift and Ryuk was heading home to go to bed.

“Hey look, it’s the kid who works at the bakery, what a poor idiot!” Easton giggled with his 2 other friends,

“Leave me alone,” Ryuk sighs and said in a very tired way,

“Oh is that so? Do you want some money, so you can have a bed?” Easton assured. Ryuk ignores them and starts heading home-

“Look, the orphan bakery nerd is running home!!!” Easton and his other mates laughed quite hard. That’s when Ryuk lost his mind took out his right arm and punched Easton in the right eye,

“Oww!! Fight that loser!” Easton said looking like he declared war, one of Easton’s friends tried to kick him but Ryuk grasped his leg and slammed him on the terrain. His other friend started to sneak behind him and strangled him. Ryuk was trying to get his muscular hands off his throat, and that’s when Easton spotted a rock and thrust it as hard as he could on Ryuk’s face, Ryuk went all black.

Wednesday 9:45 am:

“Honey, are you ok?!” A lady asked,

“Oh yeah, I am ok,” Ryuk guesses, as he sees dark blood on the ground and then touches his face,

“Honey, I think you should be at the hospital!” The lady said with fright,

“No, I am okay,” Ryuk smiles and runs to the bakery. As he was running one thing on his mind was, ‘are aliens real?’

“Oh my!! What happened?!?” Mrs. Charlotte asked, hoping for a long answer,

“I fell, there is nothing to worry about,” Ryuk said with a fake smile,

“Come to the kitchen!” Mrs. Charlotte demanded,

“I am serious, nothing happened!” Ryuk said with determination,

“Did those three hooligans beat you up again?” Mrs. Charlotte questions, as she gets the medkit out,

“Yeah,” Ryuk mumbles, Easton’s father was the richest in the town, he owned all the bakeries, Easton also went to school but Ryuk didn’t because he couldn’t afford it,

“I will tell you what, you can take some rest for this shift, and I will give you some money to go get some ice cream,” Mrs. Charlotte smiles, and puts the bandage beneath his left eye,

“Are you sure?” Ryuk asked, Mrs. Charlotte, nodded.

10:10 am:

Ryuk was at the library licking his ice cream and started playing alien games. There was a spaceship, and it would suck up many people from the beach. The game was indeed dull, to be truthful, but Ryuk was so interested that he never got bored, he played it on for hours and hours until it was lunch. Ryuk yawned and stretched his arms and legs and went to eat lunch. He loved eating lunch at McDonald’s, the cheapest restaurant in town but had the best tasting food.

Moments later:

“McDonald’s! What would you like to order Ryuk?” Mrs. Tucker asked, with a very pleasant smile as if she got a promotion,

“The Big Mac, thank you!” Ryuk said with the least excitement,

“That will be $3.15!” Mrs. Tucker said, Ryuk looked at his money and he had three dollars and twenty cents left, he gave 3 one-dollar bills, and 3 nickels. Mrs. Tucker’s regular consumer was Ryuk. Ryuk munched the big mac as if he was the hungriest person on Earth, he thought in his head are aliens even present? Would aliens take over the world? Is Mr. Buck’s smoking pipe from the aliens? And what does Mr. Charlotte’s last word supposed to even mean? All these thoughts were circling Ryuk’s head.

“Hey, Ryuk, are you ok?” Mrs. Tucker asserts,

“Yeah kind of,” Ryuk confirms,

“You look like you are in deep thought,” Mrs. Tucker said with concern, Ryuk takes a deep breath,

“I know you might think this is a stupid question but are aliens real?” Ryuk replies, with very limited expectation, for Mrs. Tucker to not say he’s stupid,

“My big brother was a Xenoarchaeologist, in Hawaii, while he was doing an experiment he passed away,” Mrs. Tucker cries,

“I am so sorry,” Ryuk stated,

“Before my brother’s death, he gave me this artifact which has a different language written on it and he said to return it to them,” Mrs. Tucker said with misery,

“It must mean that it’s from the aliens, right?” Ryuk asked,

“Yes, at least I think so,” Mrs. Tucker,

“I need to go, Mrs. Tucker, bye!” Ryuk conveys,

“Bye!” Mrs. Tucker responds with her half crying voice.

Thursday 9:00 am:

Ryuk was walking down the road until he saw multiple posters that say, ‘Your chance to go to Hawaii, state why you want to and can be the winner on August 5th in city hall at 2:45 pm’. This was Ryuk’s only chance to know what Mr. Charlotte’s last words meant.

Two months later:

It was Wednesday, 2:00 pm, Ryuk got in his best clothes, ate some bacon and eggs, and entered outside, but that’s when he ran into someone,

“Look who it is! The nerd of baking, I heard he is studying about aliens,” Easton giggles, and then the 3 of them start to laugh,

“I am studying about aliens, and they are just a different type of species,” Ryuk whispers putting his head,

“Oh is that right! This loser thinks aliens are real,” Easton blabbers,

“It is, you see I was playing this game in the library-” Ryuk said,

“I don’t CARE! Look, just stay out of my way, I am going to Hawaii and you are going to be a poor loser working in that bakery!” Easton yells,

“You have all that money and you can’t go to Hawaii?” Ryuk questions,

“Look, my dad thinks I have to earn money myself, and then spend it to go to Hawaii,” Easton said in a way that sounds like his dad is a villain. Ryuk nods and just heads to the city hall, but the city hall was very far away, about 30 mins, and Ryuk couldn’t walk 10 miles, he already wasted a good amount of time talking to Easton, he had to take the cab.

“Ryuk!! Are you going to the city hall?” A man said from a far distance approaches Ryuk with a taxi,

“MR. BUCK!! You saved my life, I was wondering how I would get to the city center, Thank you so much!” Ryuk answers with a large smile,

“No problem, always happy to help!” Mr. Buck replies. Ryuk opens the yellow smooth taxi door and gets in the cab, the seats were a printed design of circles and triangles.

2:40 pm:

Ryuk and Mr. Buck get out of the car and enter the City hall, there were rows of seats filled withs crowds of people, the soothing opera music made people dance around the massive building. Mr. Buck and Ryuk got the front row seats, everyone there looked like they wanted to go to Hawaii.

“Hello everyone! I am Atticus Wilson, which all of you probably know, and today we’re going to have participants give reasonable answers on why they want to go to Hawaii!” As Mr. Wilson states, the whole crowd cheers. Many participants go by until it was Easton’s turn,

“Easton!” Mr. Wilson yells,

“Coming Dad!” Easton replies,

“Okay,” Mr. Wilon responds, Easton sprints to the stairs and goes to the middle of the stage,

“I want to go to Hawaii because I want to enjoy life!” Easton assures.

“Next participant, Ryuk!” Mr. Wilson hollers,

“Oh LOOK it’s the loser!” Easton said as he runs down the stairs, Ryuk goes to the middle of the stage,

“I want to go to Hawaii, because of my love and interest in aliens, either mythical or true living species. I want to go and discover it by myself. I also want to know what Mr. Charlotte meant when saying his last words!” Ryuk said with a proud smile. The crowd starts clapping.

“Okay, that’s enough! The winner of-” Mr. Wilson doesn’t complete the sentence, but Easton runs to the stairs, knowing he would win,

“What the heck are you doing?!” Mr. Wilson said with a concerned face,

“Oh, I was just coming up here because I won!” Easton said proudly. The whole crowd seemed blank. Mr. Wilson quickly ignores,

“Sorry about that, the winner of this competition is Ryuk! Please come to the stage,” Mr. Wilson said with a smile. The crowd starts applauding,

“What?! THE LOSER BAKING NERD WON?!” Easton screams,

“Easton! YOU DO NOT call people that?!” Mr. Wilson yells back. Ryuk runs to the stage and goes to the middle.

“I loved your reason! Which is why I chose you as the winner!” Mr. Wilson said,

“But WHY?!” Easton hollers,

“Let me tell you why, when I was your age I also worked at the bakery, I did not have a rich dad,” Mr. Eastons said, the crowd gasps and so does Easton and Ryuk,

“So you were also a loser like Ryuk?!” Easton asked,

“No, and Ryuk is not a loser, I loved mythical creatures especially the Loch Ness Monster! And the mayor at my time had a contest to go to Scotland, I won and I went to Scotland to research the Loch Ness monster, and I saw this passion inside of Ryuk so that’s why I chose him!” Mr. WIlson confirms. Mr. Wilson gives the ticket to Ryuk,

“Thank you so much!” Ryuk said respectfully, Mr. Wilson smiles and nods.

4:00 pm:

“Well Ryuk, when is the flight?” Mrs. Charlotte asked,

“Its next week Monday,” Ryuk said with panic,

“I will tell you what you can have this whole week, off you’ve never been on an airplane, so get mentally prepared and do go pack your luggage,” Mrs. Charlotte smiles and pats Ryuk’s back,

“Thank you!” Ryuk said happily and walked away. As Ryuk was walking down the road he bumped into someone-

“Oh, I am so sorry!” Ryuk said with dismay

“Oh it's alright, wait you’re the winner from the City Hall today,” The girl who is 1 inch shorter than Ryuk and has freckles,

“Uhh yeah, who are you though?” Ryuk questions,

“I am Crystal! Nice to meet you!! You know there are two seats, so I was wondering if I could come?” Crystal said with cute dog eyes, her eyes were blue and her hair was golden,

“Wait, yeah um it does say two seats, so we just met, um,” Ryuk tries to deny but doesn’t know what’s the right choice,

“Oh yeah, I know we just met but come on!!!!! Please???” Crystal tries very hard to convince Ryuk,

“The flights on Monday, 6:45 am, sharp!” Ryuk with serious,

“Ok, I will come to pick you up with a cab, at 5:30 am,” Crystal said,

“Ok I will be ready by then, and my streets in Coronado drive 1142, my name is Ryuk,” Ryuk said with a happy smile,

“Bye! See you on Monday!” Crystal said with a superb amount of enthusiasm,

“Yup!” Ryuk replies.

Monday 5:20 am:

Ryuk got up from his bed, brushed his teeth, he was very sleepy, his eyelids were almost pouring like a liquid to his face, but that’s when he remembered what cartoons do when they are sleepy; he went to his kitchen, and opened one of the cabinets, he took out the toothpicks, and placed from his eyelid, to beneath his eye. His eye still had a scar when Easton threw the rock, but his pain was gone. Ryuk yawned, and poured some milk in his red transparent glass, he drank the milk as if it was his last meal, he took a banana and started munching on that too.

“Knock! Knock! Knock!” Ryuk ran to the door and opened it,

“Hi! The cab came a little earlier than planned,” Crystal said, with very little excitement,

“Oh ok! I am going to get the suitcase,” Ryuk said,

“Ok!” Crystal replies. Ryuk goes straight into a dark hallway and returns with a pleasant smile and a suitcase in his hand. Ryuk takes the red and ripped suitcase and places it in the trunk of the cab.

“All set!” Crystal announces,

“Yup!” Ryuk said as he was locking the door. He slides in the car, and closes the door,

“I am 13, and I am studying about alien stuff,” Crystal said,

“Oh, aliens are cool, but I am going to Hawaii, so I can solve a mystery,” Ryuk replies. Crystal nods and they both get comfortable to lay back.

6:00 am:

Crystal and Ryuk reach the airport, it was the biggest thing Ryuk had ever seen in his life,

“This is humongous, we’re gonna get lost in it,” Ryuk said with fright,

“Don’t worry silly, we won’t get lost, just look at the gate number,” Crystal remarks,

“27A,” Ryuk said with confusion,

“Oh ok! That means it must be this way,” Crystal points as she states. After following Crystal for a few moments, they ran into an elevator,

“We’re gonna need to use this,” Crystal said with excitement. They both go inside and Crystal presses a button, they go up, and they see a very large line, Crystal, walks straight into that line, and Ryuk follows her behind.

“Wait, why are we here?” Ryuk asked,

“Check-in line,” Crystal replies quickly. Crystal looked like she was very rich, all her cosmetics, made her look like her father worked for the president, even her suitcase,

“Ok!” Ryuk, blinks, and then Crystal was gone

“Crystal???!!” Ryuk yells, then a parade of people comes shoving him,

“Watch it, kid!!” A guy roars,

“Sorry,” Ryuk whimpers. And then he saw his luggage gone, he saw a man with a black cap, with his luggage running,

“HEY! Give it back!” Ryuk yells, with all his voice. He sprints, as swift as he can, and slams many people,

“Hey oww!” A woman shrieks,

“What a hooligan!” Another woman hollers. Ryuk saw a bike and hopped onto it. He chases the man for a few moments, until the man trips, and runs away,

“Finally!” Ryuk pants,

“You dummy, where were you?! I hate running you can get in trouble, in the airport realize?!” Crystal said, with terror,

“Sorry! Long story short, some guy stole my suitcase,” Ryuk said,

“I guess at least we’re not late,”

“Why don’t like you like running?” Ryuk asked,

“My mother died by running by running,” Crystal whispered,

“Ok, let’s do the check-in,” Crystal said with disbelief. Crystal approaches the women’s side, and Ryuk to the men’s side.

“Do you have any electronic devices son?” The officer asked with his shades on,

“No,” Ryuk confirms,

“Any jewelry? Liquid? Weapon? Sharp stuff? Or batteries,” The officer pulls, his shades down, and looks at Ryuk’s eye,

“No sir!” Ryuk said with confidence,

“Ok your good son, now I want you to stand like a tree, with your arms stretched,” Officer demands,

“Ok,” Ryuk replies. The officer gets an electronic gadget and touches Ryuk with it all over his body,

“You all good, son, now take your luggage and you can go,” The officer smiles, Ryuk goes straight and takes his luggage, and waits for Crystal.

“Ok so it’s 6:30, just 15 mins, before the flight, so we will go to gate 27A, and board there,” Crystal remarks. Ryuk nods as if he understood everything, which he didn’t.

A few moments later:

“Boarding flight, please come to the boarding station!” The lady on the speaker announced. The whole crowd, including Crystal and Ryuk, rushed and formed a line.

“Next person,” The Karen lady said impatiently,

“Hi! This is our ticket,” Crystal affirms, and hands the ticket to the lady,

“All set you can go!” The lady said Crystal and Ryuk enter a long hallway made out of the grey, rough carpet. Ryuk pulled his red suitcase with max strength because the suitcase was getting stuck on the carpet.

“Hi, this is Hawaiian Airlines Boeing 737, welcome in!” The kind flight attendant said, Crystal nodded and went inside the airplane.

“Who was that?” Ryuk whispers with a frown,

“The flight attendant, the person who cleans and makes the food of the airplane,” Crystal replies back.

“Seat 31C and 30B,” Ryuk announces,

“I will sit in 30B, and you can sit in 31C,” Crystal said. They walk until find 30,

“Ok you are right behind, and you get the window seat,” Crystal said as she lifted her suitcase, and put it on the top compartment, Ryuk did the same thing. Ryuk slides in his seat, and he sees an old woman coming in his direction.

“Hi, honey! Is this sit 31B?” The old lady asked,

“Y-yes, mam!” Ryuk stutters,

“Oh, goodie!” The old lady smiles. The lady gets slides in the middle seat. Then when Ryuk saw something glistening in the sky it might have been the sun, but it was moving.

“This is captain Bill, we will be taking off now, please put on your seat belts,” The radio announces. Ryuk puts his seatbelts on and prays that this will be very safe. The engine starts to rev, and then the airplane goes into its top-tier speed and Ryuk closes his eyes.

A few hours later:

The flight attendant had given his food, and Ryuk started to open it, it was beef tacos, he munched on it as quickly as possible so he fell asleep again, but he had swallowed it too, so he was probably not going to go to sleep again. Once Ryuk wakes up he cannot go back to sleep.

“Honey do you want a cookie, I baked it for my grandson,” The old lady said with kindness, and offers Ryuk a cookie,

“Thank you!” Ryuk said as he took one. He munched on the cookie, it was chocolate and strawberry, two of Ryuk’s favorite flavors. As Ryuk ate them, he thought that this lady must have had a very good experience baking cookies.

“This is awesome,” Ryuk said with astonishment,

“Well back in my day we used to have a lot of bakeries, and I used to work in one, my boss, taught me how to make the best cookies,” The old lady informs,

“Oh! That makes sense!” Ryuk confirms. Ryuk gets comfortable and closes his eyes.

“We have a slight problem, but there is nothing to worry about, stay cautious we might run into turbulence,” The captain remarked. Ryuk was afraid that they would crash or something, but it probably wasn’t going to happen. Ryuk got up from his seat and headed to the restroom. He opened the door and went in. There were no lights in it so he didn’t lock the door.

“We have a bigger problem, there is something in the sky that is visible, we are still trying to figure out what it is!” The captain yelled. Ryuk got out of the bathroom and sprinted to his seat. He puts on his seatbelt and starts to pray. Then he saw something very flashy, it came in quick, and it broke one of the wings of the plane, which exploded. He went black and then he heard the radio on the plane,

“MAYDAY! MAYDAY! BRACE FOR IMPACT!” The captain screamed, Ryuk looked out the window, he saw the plane going super fast into the water.

“Ryuk?!” Crystal screamed,

“Is this heaven?” Ryuk replied,

“NO! You are alive!” Crystal said with concern,

“It’s a miracle?” Ryuk said as he got up. He saw his hand bleeding wildly. Ryuk got up, and he looked at the island, it wasn’t big but it wasn’t small either,

“How are we supposed to get out of here?” Ryuk asked,

“I don’t know, maybe a boat or an airplane will come?” Crystal said with uncertainty.

“We have to survive here somehow, well first I am going to take some rest, I need to take all of this in,” Ryuk said while wiping his forehead. Crystal nods,

“I am going to check out the other side, to see if there are any other survivors,” Crystal declared. Ryuk lays down in the sand and closes his eyes.

A Few hours later:

Ryuk wakes up from the sound of the waves, he sees Crystal stargazing at the sky.

“Are there any survivors?” Ryuk questions,

“No, just us,” Crystal replies,

“What about food, will it last us days?” Ryuk asked with a positive attitude,

“Just 2 days,” Crystal replies,

“We’re kinda doomed,” Ryuk said tiredly. Ryuk goes to a large coconut tree and sees a big leaf on the ground, he takes the leaf and wraps it around his hand, and goes to bed.

Morning:

Ryuk yawns and gets up. He sees Crystal circling the trees in deep thought,

“We need to build a shelter, so we can be protected from the weather, there is a high chance of a storm coming in,” Crystal announced to Ryuk,

“Yeah! You're right, but we also need the materials. We can make the shelter out of bamboo,” Ryuk said,

“Your right I am going to go check if there are any materials that are floating in the ocean,” Crystal informs,

“Oh ok! Then I will look at the materials on the island,” Ryuk declared back. Crystal dives into the ocean and goes at full speed. Ryuk sees a ton of big leaves on the ground, and he got a good idea. He took one of the leaves and put sand in it. He also broke the leaf and a sticky goop came out, he put it in the leaves and wrapped it, this was his idea of a pillow. So he made two of these, for a pillow. Ryuk found big rocks. This can be a good idea to write something on the ground or protect from the weather. As Ryuk was done with it, he waited until Crystal came back.

“I am back, I got some supplies!” Crystal said with excitement,

“Nice!” Ryuk replies,

“I found a hatchet, some wet blankets, lots of pretzels and peanut packs, and lastly, a big shield, well not exactly a big shield, its the door to the airplane,” Crystal said happily

“Well, the hatchet will be very useful!” Ryuk decides,

“We can cut down the coconut tree and use the wood from it,” Crystal suggests,

“Yeah, I was thinking that too,” Ryuk said. Ryuk takes the hatchet and gives all his force at the coconut tree, but it didn’t do a dent,

“The problem is it would take a million tries, by that time it will be dull,” Crystal remarks,

“Your right but we’re gonna have to keep trying until we have successfully done it,” Ryuk said with confidence and keeps swinging,

“I got an idea!!” Crystal face glows up,

“What is it” Ryuk questions,

“Is there any rope,” Crystal asked,

goes fast, doing a lot of damage to the tree

“Yeah!” Ryuk said. Ryuk gave the rope to her, and Crystal tied it between two other trees, she took the hatchet and pulled it with rope like a catapult. The hatchet flew onto the tree, making a lot of marks on the tree. Ryuk and Crystal tried it over and over until they were exhausted,

“This might take us forever, and I am really hungry,” Crystal said with tiredness,

“Me too, we need to find food, I saw a bus with berries earlier, let’s eat the berries,” Ryuk said as he pointed in a direction. Crystal follows Ryuk until they reach a big thorny berry bush.

“Wow, that’s a lot of blueberries!” Crystal jumps in excitement

“Those aren’t blueberries, they are huckleberries,” Ryuk consults. When Ryuk was 8, he used to live with his uncles, until they died from a tragic accident, before that accident he used to go on the boy scouts team. From there he learned all about berries, now he practically could identify any berry in the world.

“I see!” Crystal said as she pulled one from the bush. She tastes it and makes a sour face,

“They are very sour, I guess we have to stick to the food that remains,” Ryuk said hopelessly. Crystal pulls out a bag and sees all kinds of food there. He first started eating the pretzels, they were very salty, he saw the old lady’s cookies and started thinking whether he was the chosen one to live. He saw Crystal devouring the cookies one by one.

“I am full Ryuk!” Ryuk declared,

“Me too,” Crystal replies while rubbing her stomach. They get the hatchet and start cutting the tree again.

“BANG!” The tree falls after numerous amount of tries,

“Finally!!” Ryuk yells and brushes the perspiration off his forehead. Ryuk chops the tree into pieces and uses some of the pieces to make a bed and the other to construct the shelter. He takes the rope, bamboo, and coconut tree pieces and ties them together to make a whole shed.

“Great we made a shed, to protect us from rainy weathers,” Ryuk said proudly,

“Ok now we got a place to sleep tonight, we’re gonna need blankets because it’s gonna start getting cold,” Crystal exclaimed,

“No problem we got these large leaves, we can use this as a blanket,” Ryuk replies,

“Yeah, that’ll work!” Crystal gives a quick response and smiles. It was the evening, Ryuk and Crystal started circling the island.

“There’s a lot of rocks, we can form a word from using these rocks, like ‘HELP’” Ryuk articulates,

“That’s a fantastic idea,” Crystal said with joy. Both of them take huge rocks and form the letters h, e, l, and p.

“Let’s hope someone can see this!” Crystal exclaimed. Ryuk nods and heads on to the food basket,

“There are 6 meals, it will help us for today’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch and dinner combined,” Crystal declared,

“Oh that means, after that, we need to make our food,” Ryuk said with dismay. Crystal nods and walks away.

“What do you think the time is?” Ryuk questions, Crystal stops midway,

“Probably 7 pm or 6:30 pm,” Crystal said with uncertainty,

“Well then let’s have supper!” Ryuk exclaimed,

“I am not that hungry, you can eat,” Crystal remarked,

“Okay I guess, Ryuk said. He opens the transparent box and sees two cold tacos, he eats them like he never ate in his life. Ryuk finishes quickly and goes to the shelter,

“You sure you don’t want to eat? The food will get col-” Ryuk doesn’t finish his sentence when Crystal interrupts,

“THE FOODS NOT GONNA GET COLD OKAY? Look I JUST CAN’T TAKE ANY OF THIS!!” Crystal screams as she walks away. Ryuk goes to his bunk, lays down, and goes to sleep.

“Ahhh What a beautiful day,” Ryuk says as he stretches his arm and gets up from his hard bed. Sleeping that night was horrible, the bed was so hard Ryuk had a backache in the middle of the night. Ryuk looked beside and saw Crystal’s bed with a huge leaf on it. Crystal probably used that as a blanket.

“Look I am sorry about last night I just couldn’t believe it! Can you please forgive me?” Crystal asked,

“Yeah, sure!” Ryuk said politely when he steps on something smooth but hard, Ryuk looks down and sees a turtle,

“Ahhhh!” Ryuk yells,

“Silly it’s just a turtle!” Crystal laughed,

“Can we keep him?” Ryuk asked,

“Am I your mom? Yeah, we can keep him,” Crystal said with thrill,

“Let’s name him Roca,” Ryuk declared,

“Sure I guess, as long as she’s fine with it,” Crystal says with a pleasant smile. Ryuk can have Crystal play with Roca the whole day.

Another day passed, like nothing, and Roca was gone from his sandpit. Ryuk yawns,

“Where’s Roca?” Ryuk asked with solicitude. Crystal wakes up in an instant,

“Maybe he went for a walk or a swim?” Crystal guessed,

“Probably,” Ryuk remarked. Ryuk stared at Roca’s pit for a minute and went to the side of the island, there wasn’t any way they could brush their teeth, so Ryuk and Crystal used the salty water to rub it against their teeth. You might be also wondering by now, how are they drinking water? They are using the salty one till now.

“We can’t stick with the salty water, it’s toxic and it’s not like the salt is going away from our body,” Crystal declared,

“Your right,” Ryuk responded while wondering what can be another solution,

“How many coconuts are there?” Crystal asked,

“From the tree, we cut down, um a solid 50,” Ryuk said,

“Well, that’s awesome! That’s more than enough for us to last about 25 days,” Crystal yelped,

“Well, I think we should start by cutting the coconuts!” Ryuk exclaimed. He took the dull hatchet and kept on slicing the coconut with his one hand until it broke.

“Crack!” The coconut cracked,

“Okay I got one cracked, I need to do another,” Ryuk remarked,

“You can just do this instead,” Crystal said, as she placed the hatchet straight and then started banging the coconut on the hatchet,

“Crack!” The coconut cracked,

“See this took way less time,” Crystal discloses. Both of them start munching on the copra and then drinking the coconut water.

“Good breakfast!” Ryuk exclaimed. Ryuk took the last of his remaining rope, a long stick, and sharp rock, and combined it to make a spear.

“Now this can be good to catch fish!” Ryuk said as if he invented something new. Happiness wasn’t a critical mood in this situation, it is hope, belief, and determination. Ryuk’s clothes were all ripped and his hand was still healing. They knew that they were hopeless, but most importantly they had belief in themselves and each other. Ryuk ran to the ocean with his spear in one hand, after several tries he caught a fish,

“I CAUGHT ONE!” Ryuk yelled in astonishment,

“Just one?” Crystal said,

“Well, they are really fast,” Ryuk remarked,

“I am going to make a fire so we can cook the fish,” Crystal said,

“Okay I will try to catch more fish then,” Ryuk replied. Crystal finds a lot of extra wood from the other day and finds flint rocks and a little bit of steel from her pocket, it must have been the metal necklace she had been carrying, she rubbed the flint and the little bit of steel together for a pretty long time until the fire came out she placed it on the wood,

“I made a fire!!!” Crystal said,

“Nice, I am trying to find more fish,” Ryuk announces. As Ryuk goes back to the ocean he sees Roca with two large fish in her mouth,

“Roca got us fish!” Ryuk exclaimed,

“Thanks, Roca, we’ll cook one for you too!” Crystal affirmed. Crystal took the two fish from Roca’s mouth, she took two sticks and put them inside the fish.

“Now we can roast it over the fire like they’re a marshmallow,” Crystal exclaimed with happiness as if she got what she wanted for her birthday. Ryuk got his large leaves as a plate. After a long time, the fish was done, Crystal gave one fish to Ryuk, one to Roca, and one for herself.

“Roca's, it's really hot, so be careful!” Crystal said as if she was Roca’s mom. Roca did not listen to a single word to what Crystal said and she started munching like she never ate before,

“It needs a lot of things,” Ryuk affirmed,

“Yeah it does, but we don’t have any of the ingredients,” Crystal said hopelessly,

“One of the most important things that we need is a taste to this fish, maybe we should put some berries there,” Ryuk conveyed,

“We can, but the berries have a horrible taste,” Crystal affirmed,

“We can try it right?” Ryuk responded,

“Fine, we can try it at dinner, but if anything goes wrong it’s all your fault,” Crystal acknowledges.

Eight hours later or 9 pm:

Crystal went to the berry bush and plucked out 10 berries, This is not the best idea Crystal thought inside her head. Crystal loved reading, in school people called book addicts, and that’s why she can go deep in pretty much anything you can think of. Crystal walks over to the fire and starts setting the fish up.

“Hey on the bright side we get to experiment with things!” Ryuk exclaimed,

“I am not giving the ‘tasted’ to fish Roca,” Crystal replied,

“Fine,” Ryuk remarked, Ryuk walked away and went to the other side island, so he can gather leaves to make a plate, he plucked leaves off the tree, then he turned around saw Crystal,

“H-ow?! Did you come here so fast?” Ryuk stuttered with confusion,

“I used to run in my school, you know, like cross country and track and field,” Crystal said nervously. Ryuk nodded and walked away, Ryuk knew something was up. That day when he won the prize several people came to Ryuk as if he was a king and he can grant any wish, be he still doesn’t know why he chose Crystal.

“Ryuk food is ready!” Crystal chanted,

“I am coming,” Ryuk sprinted to the fire.

PART 2 WILL BE COMING SOON!

PART 2: “Okay let’s see how the fish tastes,” Crystal remarked. Ryuk took a huge bite of the fish and closed his eyes,

“This IS awesome!!” Ryuk replied,

“Seriously,” Crystal said as she takes a bite of the fish. Crystal was super surprised that the fish was going to taste that good.

“See I told you,” Ryuk smirked. Ryuk looked at the sky and saw something shiny,

“Do you see that?” Ryuk asked,

“See what?” Crystal back,

“This weird shiny object, probably a shooting sta-” Ryuk didn’t finish the sentence,

“We need to go, immediately!” Crystal bellowed. Crystal and Ryuk went behind a boulder, the “shooting star” was gone. Ryuk got up,

“It’s probably just a shiny, nothing to worry abo-” Ryuk doesn’t finish, and a huge piece of metal lands on the fire. Crystal pulls Ryuk behind the boulder. Then suddenly Ryuk remembers, what he saw in that flight,

“It might be aliens,” Ryuk said in uncertainty,

“You silly! It’s no time to joke around, I study about it, but science has shown that it isn’t real!” Crystal said with an annoying accent.

“BRFFF!” A deafening sound hits Ryuk’s ear hits.

“RYUK! WAKE UP!!” Crystal screamed into Ryuk’s ear. Ryuk got up started walking and then fell on the sand flat on his face.

“I am okay!” Ryuk confirms as he does a thumbs up,

Morning:

Ryuk yawned and woke up from his sand, which was very uncomfortable, probably the reason he had his backache. Ryuk brushes his with his sharp fingers and goes to the water. He takes a whole handful of water and throws it at his face.

“What the-” Ryuk exclaims, as he turns around. He saw a circular object with a bubble type on top,

“What is this?” Ryuk asks,

“I stayed up all night, you were sleeping this just floated from the beach,” Crystal said. She looked all fresh and kind of absurd.

“Could have been from the flight?” Ryuk questions,

“It isn’t when it hit the flight it was very much stable,” Crystal replies,

“Are we gonna try to on it?” Ryuk suggested,

“Just press this switch, and I think it turns on,” Crystal said with doubt,

“Okay, first we must be ready,” Ryuk said,

“We’re ready,” Crystal said in rush. Crystal pressed that big red button in heavy uncertainty, if the switch didn’t work she looked like would drown in a sea of grief. The bubble-type lid opened, and you could enter, both of them jumped in, and in a flash they teleported.

“Where are we?!” Ryuk panicked,

“Somewhere…” Crystal confirmed. They were surrounded by purple walls and two vents.

“Let’s go through the vents and see which one leads to what,” Ryuk remarked. Crystal nodded and pointed to the vent she wanted to go to,

“Let’s go through this one,” Crystal said as she pointed,

Both of them go through the vent for a long time, and then they heard some heavy whisperings, it was an unknown language for Ryuk. Ryuk deeply thought inside his head, it must have been aliens, as he was thinking “DHAM!”, Ryuk slammed on the ground with Crystal,

“AHHHH!” Ryuk screamed in fear,

“How did humans come here,” The unknown being object said, the voice sounded like a robot,

“We have stumbled upon your place, we are truly sorry, please mercy us,” Crystal said with a weak voice,

“Our leader will decide,” The being remarked. Then the alien said a secret code, where a really short person who looked two million years old pondered in,

“Cr-yst-al?!” The old man yelled,

“Dad!” Crystal remarked. Ryuk was dead confused,

“W-hat?” Ryuk stuttered. The old man led Crystal and Ryuk to a big room.

“You see this is my daughter, she actually a million-year-old, but she was born with three superpowers, one: she can time travel, this was a family gene we all could do it, and so was immortality which she also has, two: make herself look young, and lastly three: she can run really fast,” The old man said as he ran out of breath,

“Oh, so that explains everything!” Ryuk said with sweat dripping down his head.

“But there’s is a problem, a long time ago an emperor had two puzzle pieces that were very valuable, but he lost one of them, they were important because they make the alien city function, but one day a robber stole one of the pieces, which was never found again. And now we only have one more piece but we can’t seem to find it at all. People say that Xenoarchaelogist found it but he died afterward,” The old man spoke with all his energy,

“Wait you mean this?” Ryuk asks, as he looks in his pockets, and pulls out a black piece of plastic material and a purple light glowing on it,

“This? The light didn’t glow before,” Ryuk said,

“Oh my yes!!! This is the piece thank you so much, it glows, as you start getting closer and closer to the place,” The old man shined like a light bulb. The old man took the piece from Ryuk and he put it into a machine, which started getting brighter and brighter, and Ryuk woke up on the sand. All alone.

“Crystal?! Hello anyone?!” Ryuk panicked, as he saw a motorboat coming near him, he saw a group of men coming,

“Hola! Buenos dias, Como estas?” The man said in concern,

“I no comprehend Espanol,” Ryuk replied,

“Oh ok, where do you live,”

“I live in Westville, North America,” Ryuk said in a panic, thinking that they won’t understand,

“Okay, how long have been here? Have any family? Anyone else here?” The man asked,

“What’s the date? And no family and no one else is here” Ryuk asked as he thought about Crystal and where she disappeared,

“August 31st,” The man replied,

“21 days,” Ryuk said in disbelief.

“Okay, I need to take you to the nearest airport,” The man said, they both jumped on the boat and left the lonely island.

Two months later:

“Hi, Mrs. Charlotte long time no see,” Ryuk exclaimed,

“Oh my hello, how was your journey?” Mrs. Charlotte asked,

“Fantastic!” Ryuk replied,

“You know a girl named Crystal, she came to visit and see if you were there,” Mrs. Charlotte said as she was mopping the floor,

“Yes, do you know where she went,” Ryuk questioned in astonishment,

“Yes, she said something about meeting her on a specific island in Puerto Rico,” Mrs. Charlotte replied. Ryuk nodded and thought what will happen next is the question.

[sachigram]

Telescope Now Chapter 1

((click here to read on ao3!!))

It's a usual busy morning when Izaya catches sight of familiar bleached, messy hair. He considers his options, wondering if it might be in his best interest to let Shizuo pass by unprovoked. Izaya's got a deadline coming up and a meeting to get to, not to mention his stomach is a little sour from leaving his apartment without breakfast. He could wait until Shizuo passes, make his way to the nearest cafe, and the rest of his day could go without a hitch, but somehow the thought of another mundane day has Izaya's face scrunching in irritation. His work isn't normal by any means, nor is his life, but he thinks if it ever started to be predictable, he really might lose his mind for good.

He watches Shizuo, wondering when might be the best time to intercept him, but he pauses when he hears Shizuo's laugh ring out. It's bright, unbridled, happy. Izaya rarely sees Shizuo like this, and he's never seen Shizuo like this up close. By far, this is the most Izaya has ever hated Shizuo. This is the most hate Izaya thinks he's capable of.

Still, he isn't making himself known.

Shizuo passes by with Tom and Vorona, still chuckling about something Izaya didn't hear. All of them are in their own little bubble, and to anyone who didn't know them, they might seem vulnerable. Izaya grins at that, thinks of false perceptions. He really shouldn't interrupt their day, not when there's so much else to do. Shizuo likely wouldn't stop chasing Izaya for over an hour, and even afterwards, Izaya knows staying in Ikebukuro means Shizuo will keep hunting him. It's better for Shizuo not to know Izaya is even in the city at all.

He steps out onto the sidewalk anyway.

It's an instantaneous reaction. Shizuo's happy, contented expression is replaced entirely, and Izaya knows if nothing else, he's succeeded in ruining Shizuo's morning. Shizuo steps closer, his teeth bared, fists clenched. He growls something, but Izaya barely hears it, doesn't need to. It's the same old song and dance, and Izaya knows it by heart.

He turns and books it, and he can tell without looking back that Shizuo is hot on his heels. It's strange, really, that his least favorite person— monster— is always the one who makes Izaya feel most alive. It's probably an animal instinct, something leftover from the past. Shizuo is a predator, after all, another breed entirely. More than that, he's fun. Shinra has mentioned, more than once, that goading Shizuo is akin to self-destructive behavior on Izaya's part, but then what does that make it for Shizuo?

“Getting distracted, flea?!” Shizuo shouts, and Izaya cackles as he dodges whatever it was Shizuo just threw. “You're slow today!”

“Faster than Shizu-chan all the same,” Izaya mutters to himself. He hasn't been sleeping well, which isn't anything new. He's got so much work to do, took on a lot at once, maybe too much. Izaya has always had a hard time sitting still, but at some point he's forgotten how to stop. It's unfortunate he ran into Shizuo today, but what was he supposed to do? Leave Shizuo in peace? Never.

He's propelling himself forward, and he thinks he's finally gaining enough momentum to lose Shizuo, but what he loses is something much more significant. He hears a honking, some shouts, a woman screaming. He feels pain all over, and then his vision goes black.

***

When he comes to, no time seems to have passed. He tastes blood in his mouth and realizes he bit his tongue when he fell. He's flat on his back, concrete smooth against his palms, and he blinks stars out of his vision as he realizes Shizuo is on top of him.

“Oi. You okay? Flea?” Shizuo holds up a hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“None?” Izaya asks. He coughs a bit, choking on blood and saliva. He bit his tongue hard. “You're just— it's just a fist.”

Shizuo leans back, eyeing him. His phone is in his other hand. “I'm gonna call Shinra.”

“Don't bother, I'm fine. Fuck...” Izaya looks around. A crowd has gathered, circling them, and Izaya thinks of sharks in the water. “I can walk.”

“Your head's bleeding.”

“Was I hit?” Izaya asks. He looks around for a truck, but he never saw what it looked like.

“No,” Shizuo says. He holds his phone up to his ear, and Izaya realizes Shizuo is calling Shinra anyway. “You weren't hit.”

Izaya barely registers Shizuo's conversation with Shinra. He's foggy, unsure of details, and his head is pounding. He presses his hand into his hair and winces as pain shoots through him. When he looks at his fingers, they're covered in blood.

“I can walk,” Izaya says again. His legs seem to be fine, everything seems to be fine. It's just his head that's hurting, and Izaya has been concussed before. He stands and wobbles a bit, and Shizuo is on his feet in an instant.

“Izaya, stop. You're hurt.”

“I wasn't hit,” Izaya argues. “Did you save me?”

Shizuo glares at him before barking something else into the phone, and Izaya finds himself lowering back to the ground. His stomach is uneasy, and everything about this feels wrong somehow, like he's not in the right place or time. He draws his knees up and rests his head against them, feeling like he's dreaming.

Shinra arrives pretty fast. He's babbling something about already being in the area, and then he's pressing his fingers roughly into Izaya's hair and over the growing lump. Izaya hisses in pain and jolts back. Shinra laughs.

“You're fine if you can complain, Izaya-kun!”

“I don't think that's how pain works,” Izaya mutters. He's noticed that Shizuo is still standing off to the side, smoking as he observes.

“You should come over. You'll need monitoring.” Shinra checks over the rest of Izaya before deeming him fit enough to be moved. “Can you walk?”

“Yes,” Izaya snaps, but when he stands, his legs feel like jelly. “I already said I could.” He winds up blacking out before he can take a step.

***

As it turns out, it is a concussion, a pretty bad one. His head ends up needing stitches, and Izaya is surly and irritated by the time Shinra is finally leaving him alone. Shinra's guest bed isn't comfortable, but the room is quiet and private. Izaya wonders if Shizuo is still out there with Shinra and Celty, but then he decides he doesn't want to know the answer.

It's hard to focus at all, but time is definitely passing. Izaya keeps dozing off and waking to different lighting in the room, usually to Shinra jabbing him. It takes a while for Izaya to feel up for talking, but when he does, he blurts out the only thing he can think of.

“Shizu-chan saved my life, didn't he?”

Shinra hums and writes something down on a chart.

“He did. Tackled you right out of the way from an incoming truck.”

Izaya frowns and tries to make sense of that answer.

“What's wrong? Unhappy you were saved by Shizuo-kun? Or just unhappy you were saved?” Shinra asks, and he grins as he plops into the seat next to the bed. “You should be grateful. You probably would've died if you were struck.”

“Don't tell me how to feel about my own mortality,” Izaya says. “It's rude.”

“You've always called him a monster, but he was human enough to save you! Maybe this is your new lease on life. You can become a better person,” Shinra quips.

“Does that mean I'll finally get better friends?”

“Maybe! I don't have any intention of changing, though.”

“Of course not.” Izaya grins and covers his eyes with his hands, rubbing at them as incredulous laughter escapes him. “Fuck. This can't be real, right? Shizu-chan saving me?”

“He's a good person,” Shinra says, and he swats at Izaya when Izaya just laughs harder. “I mean it!”

“He's barely a person at all.” Izaya uncovers his face and stares listlessly up at the ceiling again. Where does this leave him? Should he thank Shizuo, be indebted to him? Should he stop trying to make Shizuo's life a living hell?

“What are you thinking about?” Shinra asks, and he smiles when Izaya turns to him.

“I didn't ask him to save me.”

Shinra sighs and leans onto the bed, his hand tugging at Izaya's sleeve.

“I'm not saying you should thank him or anything. He'd probably be mad if you did, actually. But maybe just try and hate him a little less, huh? I think you can do that much.”

“Maybe I can't,” Izaya says. “Maybe seeing him as anything other than a monster is a fate worse than death. Maybe this was his plan all along, to torture me.”

“You're being dramatic. Now I know you're fine!”

They wind up playing cards. Izaya's headache is at a tolerable level, due to the pills Shinra gave him. Shinra's presence is warm and welcome, and Izaya's chest aches with how much he's missed this, playing a game with somebody. Usually he's alone, a master of solitaire and his own games, but this is better, much better, seeing Shinra get so competitive and bent out of shape about losing. Izaya considers letting Shinra win a hand, but thinks better of it. Shinra is an even worse sore winner than loser.

“I can leave tomorrow, right?” Izaya asks.

“I don't see why not. You're conscious and alert, no signs of brain damage.” Shinra shows his hand, a full house. He's beaming. “I win!”

“Finally,” Izaya says, bemused. “Here I was thinking that playing alone would be more of a challenge.”

“Liar,” Shinra says, already shuffling the cards. “You look far too happy to be thinking mean things about me.”

Izaya joins Shinra for dinner at the table. Neither Celty nor Shizuo are in the apartment, which Izaya is grateful for. He's not ready to face Shizuo, and he isn't in the mood to deal with Celty pestering him about being nicer to Shizuo from now on. Shinra serves some fried rice with vegetables, nothing fancy, but Izaya eats ravenously, remembering he hasn't had food all day.

“I wonder what's keeping Celty,” Shinra says after a few minutes of quiet.

“She's probably off with Shizuo, both of them discussing what a saint he is for saving my life,” Izaya mutters around his chopsticks.

“Mm, maybe. She keeps odd hours, after all. I love having her with me all the time, but just thinking about our reunion makes me so giddy! I can't wait for her to come back!”

Izaya rolls his eyes and then winces. He rubs at the bandage covering his head.

“Are you in pain?” Shinra asks.

“It's fine, really. It's going to hurt for a while. I think it's the stitches more than the injury.”

“It was a pretty bad injury. You really hit your head hard.”

“So you've said,” Izaya says, letting his hand fall. “Like I said, it's fine.”

“It's unlike you to be so clumsy. I expect Shizuo running into things, but you're usually more careful,” Shinra says, and Izaya nods.

“I've been a little under the weather. I shouldn't have provoked Shizuo today.”

“You shouldn't provoke him at all!” Shinra laughs. “A concussion is less than you deserve.”

“Second chances, and all. I suppose next time I get Shizuo hit by a truck, I'll be more sympathetic to his plight. After all, he saved my life.” Izaya takes another bite of food and then looks up at Shinra. “Have you got any sake?”

“I do, but you can't have any. You're concussed.”

“Worth a try,” Izaya laments, leaning back in his chair.

“I mean it, Izaya-kun,” Shinra starts, and Izaya waves him away.

“I get it, no drinking—“

“Not that,” Shinra interrupts. “I mean about Shizuo-kun. This fight really needs to end before someone gets killed. You came close today.”

Izaya sighs. “Freak accidents happen every day. It doesn't matter what I was doing before it happened to me. For all we know, it still might've happened.”

“Doesn't mean you should further your chances.”

“Why not? I'm a good gambler.” Izaya smirks, but he softens when Shinra keeps giving him a hard stare. “What do you care for, anyway? You've never minded our feud before, aside from your desire for us all to be friends.”

“I mind it! I've always minded it! I don't want either of you to die. It seemed kind of...playful, for a while, but you're both getting worse all the time.”

“Playful,” Izaya scoffs. “We've been trying to kill each other. This isn't anything new.”

“It is, and you know it. You're both out for blood all the time now. I'm so glad Shizuo-kun saved you today. He could've let you get hit, but he didn't. It gives me hope that you two could be—“

“Stop it,” Izaya says sharply. “I mean it. I don't want to talk about him anymore.”

“Izaya-kun.” Shinra is giving him an imploring stare, his jaw set. “No one is going to make the two of you be friends, but can't you at least consider not being his enemy?”

“No,” Izaya spits vehemently. “I can't consider that, and I won't. This isn't some stupid rivalry that's going to end from one act of selflessness. It's not that simple, for him or for me, and I'm sure he'll tell you the same.”

“Saving a life isn't just an act of selflessness, Izaya-kun. It's more than that! Don't you know how much a life is worth?” Shinra's stern gaze turns into something else. “Or is it just because it's your own life that you don't see it?”

“For fuck's sake,” Izaya groans. He puts his head into his hands. “You never know when to quit. I already said this was a pointless discussion, and you're still beating the dead horse into the ground.”

“I'm determined,” Shinra says. “Finish eating before it gets cold. And think about what I said before you just brush it off! I really think you two would be good for each other.”

Izaya doesn't respond because there's no point. No matter what he says, Shinra will always be trying to get him to make amends with Shizuo, and in a weird way, Izaya is grateful for Shinra's tenacity. Shinra is a selfish idiot, but he's the only person in Izaya's life who actually cares about him. He's the only one who would play cards with him on his sickbed, anyway.

“Did you call your sisters?” Shinra asks as he clears the table. Izaya gets up to help, not wanting to be a rude house guest.

“Of course not. Why would I?”

“Well, you almost died,” Shinra says, and Izaya chuckles, thinking to himself that it's really not as big a deal as Shinra is making it out to be. No one cared when he was stabbed, after all.

“I have no intention of telling them. They'd only use the information as an excuse to attack me, you know? Mairu really has it out for me these days.”

“You have a strange relationship with them. Have you meddled so much in their lives that they don't like you now? Maybe you should ease up a bit, and I'm sure they'll forgive you.” Shinra washes the dishes, and Izaya dries them with a fluffy towel. A bright cursive 'C' is printed on the towel, and Izaya shakes his head at it.

“It's not that. We just don't get along well. I'm sure they blame me for...certain aspects of themselves, and they're right to. I was never a very good parental figure.” Izaya stacks the dry plates together, unsure of which cabinet they go in. He doesn't come here enough to know where things go.

“You did the best you could,” Shinra says with a shrug. “When they get older, I'm sure they'll realize that.”

Izaya highly doubts it. He always took care of their physical needs, but when it came to emotional availability, he was out of it. He never understood their mood swings and their tantrums, and he didn't really try to. Their parents are painfully ordinary people, so the twins got every bit of their eccentricities from Izaya, who didn't think anything of it at the time. It makes sense for them to hate him. He doesn't take it personally.

He goes back to the guest bedroom after Shinra disappears to shower. There aren't any messages on Izaya's phone, not even from clients. Things are quiet tonight, and Izaya is grateful for it. He doesn't feel well enough to spend energy on getting involved in anything.

He dozes fitfully. He's tired, but different parts of him hurt enough to where he keeps waking up. He can't get comfortable on this shitty bed. He needs to remind himself to bully Shinra into getting another mattress, or at least a mattress cover. Izaya longs for his own bed, his own place, but there is a certain comfort in knowing Shinra is right in the other room, within earshot. Izaya doesn't have that at home.

By morning, Izaya is warm under the covers, and for all it's flaws, Izaya doesn't want to leave the bed. He forces himself upright, and when he pads into the living room, Celty is on the couch, her helmet off. Still, he can tell she's looking right at him. She holds up her PDA.

“You look funny all bandaged up.”

“Thanks,” he says. “Make fun of the mortal for injuries. How cruel of you.”

“Any lasting damage?” she asks.

“I doubt it. I'm nothing if not resilient. I probably won't have work for you for a few days. Things are strangely quiet, and I should rest anyhow. Phone screens are hurting my head.”

She lowers her PDA almost sheepishly, and he finds himself laughing at her.

“It's fine, really. I appreciate the concern.”

“Are you going to thank Shizuo for what he did?” Her shadows are swirling pensively. Izaya knew this was coming.

“Nope!” he says, and she shoves the screen in his face.

“?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!”

“I didn't ask him to save me, now did I? Besides, can you imagine what he'd say if I thanked him for anything, ever? He'd probably kill me then and there.” Izaya backs away from her and fetches his coat from the rack. “Believe me, pretending it never happened is what we both want.”

“You're wrong.” she types, and he ignores it.

“Tell Shinra I'll see him around,” he says as he exits the apartment. He's ready to be in his own bed, maybe call Namie over to wait on him. She'll hate him even more for it, but she cooks pretty well, and he actually likes her company. It's refreshing to be around people so openly hostile. They rarely hide what they're thinking.

Throughout the day, everything is painfully normal and boring. Aside from the twinges of pain he feels, Izaya thinks to himself it's almost like nothing happened at all. He contacts a few of his clients and asks for an extension, calls Shiki to check in and let him know he'll be resting for a bit, but will be ready for more work soon enough. When Namie comes, Izaya pesters her until she cooks, and she even joins him for dinner, though she says it's just because she's starving.

That night, Izaya sleeps well, though he has odd dreams, which is a normal occurrence for him. He dreams of the twins and himself, all young, together in that house. In the dream, he's trying to spend time with them, but they keep going off by themselves, laughing at him for even attempting to make a connection. No matter what he tries, he feels miles away, and in the end, he relents, leaving them alone until they both vanish. He wakes with a pit in his stomach, a feeling that something is very wrong, even if he can't place it.

He calls for Namie, but he knows she won't answer. It's daylight now, early morning, and she's long gone, clocked out on the time clock he installed just to annoy her. He looks up at his ceiling, remembering the dream. It's like a bad taste in his mouth, something that lingers despite his attempts to get rid of it. He swings his legs over the side of the bed, feeling like something is incredibly wrong, but unable to place exactly what it is.

He showers, forces himself to calm down. Nothing is any different from normal, and no matter what happens, being uneasy won't solve anything. He has so much to worry about already, especially knowing other people saw him injured on the sidewalk with Shizuo lingering over him. He considers messaging Shizuo, ridiculing him for stepping in, but he decides better of it. Izaya is too out of it to run from Shizuo right now, or anytime soon. He'll save it for later.

It's not until Namie is near him, clacking away at her own laptop, that Izaya says anything about it.

“I had a weird dream.” He looks up at her. She pauses from her typing, looks up at him with a deadpan expression.

“Okay. And?” she asks. He laughs, pushes his keyboard away before responding.

“It was about my sisters,” he says, and she raises an eyebrow.

“I thought you said you didn't care about them very much?”

“I don't. It's just... A lot has happened,” he says, and she rolls her eyes.

“Do you want their sympathy? You had a near-death experience. Did you want them to dote on you?” Namie is amused, grinning at him. Izaya shakes his head.

“It's not that. I always have weird dreams, you know? Sometimes I can fall asleep early like a normal person, but when I'm out of it, I see all kinds of things. I guess this one just stuck with me. It seems ominous, kind of. It made me feel...like something is going to happen soon.”

“Like a premonition?” Namie asks, and her playful expression is gone.

“Maybe? I... I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm bringing this up. I've had much weirder dreams in the past. I guess this one just felt different.” Izaya groans before rubbing at his bandage.

“Feelings are enough,” Namie says, and when she meets Izaya's gaze, she is sincere. “I mean it. If you think something is wrong, maybe something really is wrong.”

“You're being awfully engaging today, Namie-chan,” Izaya says, and she shrugs.

“They're your sisters. I understand how it feels to worry about family.” Her expression changes, and Izaya has no doubt she's thinking of Seiji. He makes a face and tries to get back to work, but he still feels off, a little nauseous, too. He's never felt this bad after a head injury before, and he considers calling Shinra, but it's entirely possible he was coming down with a stomach virus before he got hurt. He hasn't felt his best for a few days now.

“I think I'm going to nap,” he says after a while, and Namie glances back at him.

“Nap? You?”

“I feel gross.” Izaya stretches before standing. He pads over to the stairs. “You can go home, if you want. It was stupid of me to try to work today. Sorry to make you come over at all.”

“And now you're apologizing to me? How hard were you hit, anyway?” Namie asks, and she's grinning. Izaya rolls his eyes at her.

“It won't happen again,” he promises, and he starts climbing the stairs. Namie clears her throat.

“Do you need anything before I go?” she asks, and he's a little stunned. Usually she's out the door like a shot the second she learns she can leave for the day. As it is, she's looking at him with a neutral expression, but Izaya thinks she seems a little concerned.

“I still have leftovers from yesterday. I think I have a stomach virus, anyway. I doubt I'll eat much of anything.” He rubs at his stitches. They're really itchy, and underneath there is a constant, throbbing pain.

“Do you have medicine here?” Namie asks, and Izaya snorts.

“I have my own little pharmacy, courtesy of Shinra. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were concerned about me!” Izaya grins at her, waiting for her to argue with him, but she just keeps looking up at him with furrowed brows.

“You don't seem well,” she says, and he frowns. “You look like you're going to keel over.”

“I plan to collapse right into bed. I'm fine, really. Go home, Namie-chan, I don't know what to make of you being nice to me.” He turns and heads back for his room, and he can hear Namie moving around below. He's too tired to make her leave, and really, she has a key. She can come and go when she pleases. He closes his eyes and drifts off to the sound of her footsteps.

When he wakes, his head is buried in his arms, and he realizes he's at his desk. He bolts upright, his eyes wide as he looks around. Namie is looking at him scathingly, as if he's purposely annoying her.

“Bad dream?” she asks.

“I thought I...went to bed. I went upstairs. Didn't I?” he asks, and she raises an eyebrow.

“You said you were tired and fell asleep right there. Now that you're awake, though, can I go?” Namie is already standing, and Izaya blinks up at her. His head is throbbing.

“Did we talk at all? I mentioned my sisters...”

“Your sisters?” Namie asks, pausing in gathering her things. “You never talk about them. Why would you start now?”

“Was it all a dream?” Izaya asks. He feels queasy. He needs to call Shinra.

“You're dreaming about mundane conversations with me? Wow. Here I thought an eccentric like you would have a more colorful subconscious,” Namie quips. She pulls her jacket on and heads to the door. “You have leftovers in the fridge. Don't call me unless you're dying.”

“Well that sounds more like you,” Izaya mutters to himself, waving her out. Once he's alone, he stands and immediately groans in pain before flopping back into the chair. His stomach lurches, and he doesn't know if he'll make it to the bathroom. He sits as still as he can while waiting for the vertigo and nausea to pass, and when he can move again, he grabs his phone and calls Shinra.

“Izaya-kun! I'm having dinner with Celty!” Shinra says as soon as he answers, and Izaya sighs.

“Sorry, I think maybe— Wait, dinner? It's so early,” Izaya says, and Shinra doesn't reply. “Hello?”

“Did you need something or can I hang up?” Shinra asks.

“My head— I think something's wrong. I feel terrible and I'm nauseous.”

“That's normal. You were rattled around, you know? It was a big truck.”

“The truck didn't hit me.”

“Right, right, but Shizuo-kun has more strength than a truck. Either way, just take it easy. You'll feel better soon, but you have to actually take care of yourself. Have you eaten today?” Shinra asks.

“No. I feel like I'll throw it up.”

“You've probably got low blood sugar. Eat something and lounge around, and if it doesn't subside by tomorrow, I'll come by.”

“I'm having trouble telling what's real,” Izaya blurts, and there's a pause before Shinra bursts out laughing.

“I'm not that kind of doctor, Izaya-kun!”

“It's because of my head injury, you idiot!” Izaya snaps, and Shinra keeps laughing.

“I'm sorry. It's normal to have some fogginess. You hit your head hard, and you aren't taking care of your body. Just relax and stay inside tonight. You don't want to pass out in the middle of the city. I'll come check on you tomorrow, okay?”

“Right. Okay.” Izaya hangs up then. He knows Shinra is right. He forces himself to the fridge, and he heats up the food Namie made the day before. He's nibbling at it, already feeling better when his phone rings again. It's Shiki, and he frowns, not understanding why Shiki is calling his personal phone and not his work phone.

“Hello, Shiki-san! What can I do for you?” Izaya answers.

“Izaya-san, I'm sorry,” Shiki says. “Are you home? Are you safe?”

“I'm fine. Yes, I'm home— Is something wrong?” Izaya asks. There's static for a moment, and then Shiki's voice is louder, and it sounds almost like Shiki is right next to him.

“We were worried about you. I'm glad you're safe.”

“We spoke yesterday, right?” Izaya asks. How much of that did he dream? Shiki sighs in his ear.

“Yes, but something has happened. Unfortunately, nothing could be done, and... Izaya-san, it's your sisters.”

“My sisters...” Izaya murmurs. He rubs at his head.

“They're dead.”

[heathered-beinn]

BTS American Hustle Life Ep6

Ep 5 recap:

BTS are still in LA learning about hip hop. After their lyric challenge last episode, they had a little party (bbq) with Warren G to celebrate. Over dinner Warren G asked them if they got to spend much time with their friends and family and we learned the heart-breaking truth that they don’t and that it’s been 2 years since some of them have even been home.

The episode’s challenge was to shoot a music video and their task was to find some women to appear in the video. Cue some hilarious and cringeworthy moments as 7 terrified lads combed the streets trying to speak to the opposite sex. The filming was equally – if not more - hilarious to watch.

Onwards and upwards…

So they are still filming and straight away Jungkook is getting himself into some mischief. I laughed when the stylist hurried out yelping to get out of there because he doesn’t have a spare outfit.

Jungkook makes it back to solid ground and starts recording his self-cam again. ROFL at him running away squealing when one of the ladies plays up to his camera.

Now the ladies are in bikinis and sunbathing and the groups have to sit next to them and film. I almost couldn’t breathe from laughing especially when V, Jungkook and Suga walking away pretty swiftly after they’d finished; Jungkook saying he nearly *died* back there. And Suga grinning like he’d just been released from prison and saying he’s relieved it’s over. I really never expected Suga to be so nervous of women! He’s usually so chill.

Lol at the three of them watching Jin and J-Hope filming with the ladies (and acting fairly naturally) and Jungkook wondering how they can have fun like that as he thought his heart was going to explode and he’d die *crying with laughter emoji*

 Ah, it was really no surprise that J-Hope won the challenge. He was the only one who had fun, could get within a foot of a women and not look two seconds from shitting himself LMAO.

His and Jin’s reward for being the winning team was a collectible figurine/model of their choice? Cool!

Next day…

So Jin and J-Hopes next challenge is to find their beat box master but they have to beat box in the street to draw them out? I totally agree J-Hope, it’s utterly embarrassing. Yep, I had a little fast forward through that.

So they find their master, Fraahz and go back to his place where he goes through the basics of beat boxing with them. Their attempts are cute, although I think that microphone may need to be turned upside down to drain the spit ewwwwww looooooooooooooooooool.

Elsewhere, RM and Jimin’s task is to find their dance master – lol at RM’s pained reaction at having to dance again

Oooooh they’re going to learn some bboying! Wow, Jimin picks it up pretty well – I always thought he was a good dancer (since he led the dance class in Carpool Karaoke) that’s why I was surprised that J-Hope was considered the band’s best. RM does a pretty good job too! They really are such a cute duo. It’s quite a unique friendship they have – hard to describe. Bet they’re knackered after that dance session though.

Yep! Well… RM is knackered.

V(?) teasingly trying to wake him up and RM kicking his leg in retaliation. This band really do act like brothers. It’s like they’ve lived together since they were born.

Lol at Jin and J-Hope repeatedly bursting into giggles as they fail time and time again to get through their beat box and meditation practice.

****************************************** 

It’s the next morning  and RM and Jimin meet their dance teacher in the park for a little exercise (although they claim they didn’t know it was for exercise).

AHAHAHAHA RM almost dead after running a couple of laps. To be fair it’s probably scorching outside which won’t help. LMAO, the dance teacher putting the weight jacket on Jimin as the exercise was too easy for him. Poor Jimin and RM look absolutely floored by the end – I hope the walk back to the dorm isn’t too far for those tired little legs.

They’re back in the dance studio later on and poor RM get’s hit in the head by Jimin’s foot – aww. RM gets revenge by slapping a high five to Jimin’s hand/wrist extremely hard *crying with laughter emoji*. I love these lads so much <3 They are such characters.

Jin and J-Hope meet Fraahz again in the park to go over their beatboxing practice. I was impressed that they managed to get through the meditation without bursting into giggles. That part with them turning animal sounds into beats was hilarious.

******************************************** While the others are working with their masters V, Suga, and Jungkook are chilling at the dorm watching basketball and Jungkook is pretending to shoot people with a tablet… Lol, here comes Tony and N to spoil their fun! What are the three of them going to get? RnB!

Wait whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Hold the **** phone. Did they just say they’ve never heard of Whoopi Goldberg????!!! I ain’t from the states either man but she is a l-e-g-e-n-d. These three lads need to sit down and watch Sister Act 1 and 2 STAT.

Iris Stevenson, the woman Sister Act 2 is based on, is such an inspiration.

OMG they are going to get to do some gospel singing! *squeal*

Wow, Jungkook, you have such a nice voice <3 What an absolute cutie.

This was a great thing for the 3 of them to do. Not only was Iris’s happy and motherly soul something I think they desperately needed but, from what the lads were saying afterwards, I think musically it was important they learned how to feel love for singing again. The amount of practice they had to do as trainees – and no doubt still have to do - and the type of practice, as well as the stress of trying to ‘make it’ seems to have taken a lot of joy away from their art. And that is a real shame. If you don’t like what you’re doing, if your heart isn’t in it, then how can you possibly be happy? You certainly won’t be the best you can be!

Aww V has a wonderful voice for this kind of music too. But he’s not feeling well :( You need to rest up sweetie.

Iris is such a lovely and amazing woman.

Go V and Suga bragging about how great Iris is <3 Wonderful lads.

Okay, so they are going to each show off what they’ve been learning and then score themselves out of 100 “fairly”. Why do I get the feeling that “fair” will be used very loosely lol.

J-Hope and Jin did well with beat boxing although I think Jimin and RM were a little harsh with giving them a score of 69. Bet that gets reciprocated when it’s their turn. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I was right lol. RM did really well with the dancing thought, kudos to him.

Next up it’s Suga, V, and Jungkook. Aww sweet Jimin getting up out his seat to hug V and tell him how much he loves his voice <3 <3 And ten seconds later he rigs the scoring so that he and RM are not last *facepalm*. At least he takes it back at the end and honestly gives them a score of 100 points. This means he and RM lose and the punishment is….

The winners get to smash the losers faces into a plate of whipped cream. LMAO. This I have got to see!!!

Oh Jungkook… <3

“Oh delicious”

But Tony’s “Welcome to America” in reply just killed me

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha

Look at the happiness on Jungkook’s face *crying with laughter emoji*

*dead*

There are so many crude analogies that I could make here… Jungkook creaming Jimin’s face and them both loving it but I will… refrain.

LMAO RM flinging cream all over the place in retaliation.

So we got to see the music video and it was quite good. I felt it wasn’t very polished though as there was a noticeable difference between the colouring/lighting between the car scenes and the scenes at the mansion that you wouldn’t expect/want in a professional MV. I really like the song though.

Final musings.

Another enjoyable episode. This one was both fun and funny. The boys have got great personalities and can make even silence seem interesting. They are a delight to watch and I’m so glad I’m still at the beginning of the journey <3

Two eps to go: Episode 7 up next…

[just-some-random-blogger]

December Dates

Seventeen Summary: In the spirit of Christmas, boyfriend!svt is here to take you on a date. Word Count: 3k+ Warnings: Fluff, crackkkkkk, v many typos,etc.

R E Q U E S T

my friend: seventeen + cute

A/N: HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU HOS (jk) HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Also ashdiepl because im writing on a tab, i couldnt add any gifs so aksjemksksmsksksmskskdk alsO im so sorry i dont remember if the request is platonic or nah but kaksksksk this is what u get soz

-----

Alright

So no gifs

Imma just do a header real quick so u know wassap

S. Coups

Das better

hi header

I might delete u later if i get on a pc

But firsT seuNgcheEolL

*deep breath*

Ho u lucky enough to breath the same air he does

N now u are on aa date with him

WoWw

So bf!seungcheol is a cute lil snowflake

Which means he'll buy u an ugly ass Christmas sweater and matching gloves

THAT MATCHES THE ONES HE BOUGHT FOR HIMSELF OFC

then yall go out and play in the powdery snow outside

ImGine seungcheol grabbing yOuR hand 

cebAuse u a dumb loser that slips on nothing

Also warmth

pulling your scarf up a bit because he can tell you're getting cold

Then like a gentleman

will pUSH U INTO THE SNOW

AND START A FRICKIN SNOW WAR

HE'll hit ur dumb face he dont care

He'll maKe u wish u Stayed damn home

Rapid fire frikin snow granades man

Course iz all a bita fun

Then he'll let u win

Cause he does care Bout ur dumb Fce

Also he soft for u gross

Then once that's done he'll start laughing

Not because of post-snow ball fight adrenaline

But because he thinks himself so funny

When he busts a lung screaming "dO Ya wana biLd aSNOEMAN!!!!!"

AND THEN U decline and leave him in the snow

"YAAAAA WE HAVE TO BUILD A SNOWMAN THOUGH!" he'll laugh

U literally wana leave him and his annoying ass

U stomp away

He laughs and goes after u

His hot breath is visible 

and hits your ear when he comes up and wraps his arms around you from behind

U be like, "listen stupid, u corny af, lets break up"

Seungcheol would pout and kiss ur cheek, "nah, u still owe me hot choco. Break up with me after paying me back."

"Ew, why would i pay u back tho"

"Uh cause if you don't imma do thisss," then he proceeds to shove u into the snow again

"CHOI. SEUNG. CHEEOOOLLLLLLLLLLALAKAKAOKS!"

Ok well i have to cut this here first cos there are 12 boys left

Oh Hi hello u here back to ur regular programme

Jeonghan

Yiz

Unlike cheol

Dis ho not about to get cold 4 u uhm

Leave the cold for someone else

But get warm together

I mean

Wink wINKkkkk

Jk gtfo

This is a wholesome headcanon

Git warm he would gladly

So u know what dat means

CUddlEs

Imagine cuddling jeonghan

BoIii

It's da holidays

Which mean he bout to get dat $$$leep

Of course u dont mind that ur just sleeping in

Gurl if ya do

Let me stress out

If you mind sleeping in and cuddling with yoon jeong han

GUrL

Wathu doin????

AnYWAY

ITz u and him right

Ur in bed reading the novel he got u beforehand right

Look at u looking cute in knit sweater and glasses

EVEN IF U DONT NEED THEM THERE ARE GLZSSES

IM TRYING TO MAKE A SCENE HERE WORK WITH ME

it could be jeonghan's ur using it as a headband shhhh

So like ur sitting down

N beside u its jeonhan v slightly snoring

Right right right

Then ur like "man i want something to eat cause i've been sitting here reading all day"

But also ur always hungry

Cause who isnt tho lol

ANYWAY UR ABOUT TO STZND UP

but jeonghan like a needy ho is like noooooooooooodontgo

N ur like

aww wat a needy ho

"Jeonghan im just gonna get something to eat"

"Eat laterrr, i need u now"

He'll keep his eyes shut and shimmy over

Securing an arm on your  hip so u wont go

U roll ur eyes and put your book away on the cabinet next u

"Jeonghan ive literally been next to u since last night. I'm just gonna get something to eat, and 4 u 2!"

He'll flutter his eyes open only to close them and move even closer to place his head on ur lap

"I dont want toooooo"

U roll ur eyes again and shimmy out of his grip

But only to get into his arms and hide your face in his chest

"You're so needy," u note

"Says you who's tangling themselves on me"

"Touché"

Joshua

Okay

Get this

Joshua and gingerbread houses

He probably used to build one growing up

And he has just the person in mind he wants to rekindle the tradition with

Congrats u filthy animal

So he took the liberty of getting allll u and he would need

And so much more

Im talking chocolate bars

Shipped cream

Candy canes

Busicuits

Edible glitter

Gum drops

Shrek 1 2 3 4

Is there a four

Im too lazy to google it

And omg u so special to him he loves u so much

Screw u

He wants to share the love with the carats

So he vlives it all

And at first ur shy

Like what if the joshua stans come 4 u

Ok but in this story yall had already annouce ur relationship

AND EVERYONE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO BE COOL WITH IT FFS LET UR FAVES DATE WHOEVER THEY WANT ISTG

so

Joshua is like "noo don be shy they'll all love u"

(':

N ur like ok cos i love u sm

But not like the company sm tho *barfing noises*

So yall build a gingerbread house and do a whole ass tutorial about it

Except u dont

Cause yal are morons and could stop messing up or earing the ingredients along the way

Sorry honey ur morons i dont make the rules

"Stop eating the marshmallows!"

"U literally finished the bowl of mnms tho Joshua!"

"Uh no that was the gingerbread man,"

ANd then u all bicker like children because u are omfl

And it excalates

fooD FIGHT

U smear cream on joshuas face

He sprinkles sprinkles on ur head

U press graham crackers against either of his cheeks and ask him what he is

"A sexy graham sandwich"

"Ew no wrong answer," u reply

Can i just point out that that chocolate syrup stain is never coming off

*cough cough cough moron cough cough*

Jun

Imma bout to yeet

Junhui is also feeling nostalic

super soft super baby

And since he's probably feeling bit homesick somewhere in there

he thinks he can remedy it with a bit of chinese home cooking!!!

And whiney needy cuddles also yay

Moving on so

Will it be good?

Damn straight

itll be fikin delish

Will you try to to help him

Of course u gotta help ur man

But like duh

u have eyes

And seeing him all focus and busy and hot

Is really distracting

So like ur as useful as a broken button to him

He doesnt mind tho

He thinks ur cute

Also lovng the attnstion

But the thing about not helping

Not really

And being distracted by a cutie pie

Is that it's basicaly a disaster ending to happen so like

he's efficiently stirring up so hot stuff right

And ur like "man jun's some hot stuff"

And then BaaaaM

U knock over the damn chopping board with the knife and everything on it

Thank goodness the thing didn't chop through your foot of anything

And jun is like "oHMYGOSH DA HELL R U OK"

"... i- im sorry i knocked over ur potatoes"

"My poTaToeS! Listen rn im glad u didnt chop ur foot off"

Jun sighs and looks at the cubes of taters scattered on the floor

You frown, feeling useless

Both of u pick up ur mess

Jun puts down the kitchen utensils in hand

u picked up the last of the potatoes

"Hey we could always wash those, it's not like the floor is mud or anything, even then , potates came from mud"

"Yeah but im sorry, i wanst really helping in the first place"

Jun smirks, "nonsense! U were feeding my ego! That's enough for me!"

You snort and jun comforts u with a tight embrace

Hoshi

AlrighT fam

I thought of something pretty cute but pretty dumb for hoshi

He's like "imma do something super romantic for Christmas"

So he's like "wear something cute we gon do smth fun" @ u

So u do

U get a cute little red dress just for the occasion

And soonyoung his like "BRO MY GIRL SO SUPER CUTE"

And ur like a blushing mess cause he looks super excited with his big smile and cresent eyss

ahhh Hhh myHOSishiii fealzssmsmmsms

Anyway u think ur gonna go to some cute restaurant right

But hoshi brings u to the mall

To instead join the couples dancing contest

Soonyoung gets super nervouse at ur surprised reaction

He's like, "omg is this a super bad idea i thought it would be cute but like i guess not we dont have to go we could always just drop out"

You laugh and shake ur head, "no it's all good, but i mean like, we don't have a choregraphy, and im not like you who can just break it down."

Soonyoung lets out a breath and chuckles, "nah don't worry. It's not really a compation-competion, and regardless, they're going to show ius a choreo and the couple that best interprets wins a a romantic date for two, fit for a dancing king and queen"

And then u break into a big uwu

"Omg u are super romantic soonyoung"

He struts a pose and chuckles, "i mean, i try"

So you both participate in the contenst

Kinda zumba it out by folling the instructors

Soonyoung is helping you out with your form and explaining to you the steps

He gets a little competative so he doesn't really want to mess us

Up hearing you giggle when you do a s pin breaks his competative spirit

And all he really cares about is having a good time with you

Aleight

But admitedly

He was pretty annoyed when they annouced the winner

Were not the two off you

i mean you lot were the cutest it can gt

Who else could trump that

But then you both saw that the winners were 80 something yesr olds holding hand and looking at each other like the other was their world

and then soonyoung was like "okay valid"

You pout, "aww i hope we end up like that"

Soonyound and you turn to each other

He grins for ear to ear, "then lets go on a romantic date as well"

"I thought you'd never ask"

Wonwoo

LiNda

I hope you're ready for wonwoo 

Because i sure as hell am not 

So in case youre wondering 

Youre crazy I mean youre reading this arent you 

Prolly at midnight hi fam 

Again i dont make the rules 

Well just a btw Almost every 

Christmas tradition is pagan 

Like the tree 

The wreath 

And SANTA IS SO CREEPY YALL NEED TO GET UR CHILDREN AWAY FROM HIM 

SO MAYbe ur not all that crazy 

For not wanting to continue them on 

i mean sure u can give new meaning to things 

But you wanted none of that

 Which was whyyyy you decided to DIY the decorations to your entire house 

Nnd who else are you going to do that with other than your loving bb boyfriend wonwoo 

Wonwoo doesn't mind 

He thinks its cute 

Because it is a cute date idea 

Youtube tutorials 

Pinterest ideas and paper snowflakes and all 

Yeah 

so wonwoo is there cutting up some of the paper you folded 

You're glueing some popsicle sticks 

He's water coloring some designs in 

Youre pulling on the tape dispenser 

It's all going great 

"Jagiya... i don't want to sound mean but-"

 "They're all ugly as hell. I know Wonwoo." 

Wonwoo gives an apologetic look. 

For a moment u two dont speak 

And then you both brust into laughter 

"Aww whatever, lez stick em on!" 

And do you get your badly painted slowflakes 

Your wolf drawing 

"That's a wolf?" 

"Duh what else would it be wonwoo?" 

The letters that spelled merry chrsitmas 

And the doodle cutouts of the seventeen members 

in personalized ugly sweaters 

And placed them all over the place 

You look around basking in the glory of ur craft 

Its all very colorful 

And crafty 

And looking like a child made it 

Then like an imbecile 

U break into laughter 

"It looks like a kindergartener's classroom" 

U end up roasting yourself 

Making fun of your sloppy handwork 

And wonwoo watches u 

with adoring eyes

 "I almost forgot," wonwoo speaks up and pulls out a piece of paper 

You recive it from him and break into a smile 

"Is this us?" 

Wonwoo snorts, "no its jeonghan hyung in a dress holding my hand sweetheart"

For a moment u believe him

But then he breaks out into laughter

Woozi

Boi imma fite u

Christmas carols

Okay idek why i ended up so serious with wonwoo

But listennup

Im not about to maypke it crackier

so back to christmas carols

Dis boi is about to serande you with a christmas themed love song

So its around 8pm at night

Jihoon has is guitar

and ur just chilling right

and ur on ur phone letting him do his thing

but then from the floor he was sat on

he turns to you on the couch

And pats ur leg

"Yo i just finished my song u wann hesr"

You squeak and jump of the couch next to him

"Duh dummy!"

And he starts singing

He's talking about stars and warmth

He's spittin fire about the smell of hot choco

The  he's talking sbout how lame joshua's gingerbread house was

Next thing you know ur  crying

because omg that ginger bread houseWAS UGLY

also jihoooooooooooooon just serenaded you

Dont u just

Then jihoon catches you and panicks

"You okay? Why are you cryin?!"

"HowDARS YOU ASK ME THAT LISTEN UP U JUST SAID SOME SWEET WORDS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!"

JIHOON CALms down

But u crybaby cant stop crying

and of course jihoon panicks again

So he starts singing some other Christmas song

And then u start crying about poor rudolf

And remember regina george

But then eventually you calm down

And decide to nuzzle up against jihoon who replaced his guitar with you in his arms

Then us fall asleep with him sweetly singing about the spirit of Christmas

DK

 Liz gittit

Of course this ray of light just wants to give off energy to the world 

And since he 

And u u forgetful ass 

Forgot to go shopping for presents 

You decided to go on a dec 24th shopping trip! 

Hurrah! 

But it was too eady for u two 

Like wtf 

Gift giving Is suuch and easy task 

And shoping a day before Christmas 

pshhhhhhh 

Its a heartbeat

 "Whoever gets the best gifts gets for the best price gets to boss the other around until new year," seokmin grins 

You knit your brows deeply at his words 

And wonder what the hell he has in plan for him to think of doing something so ensnaring 

So being the smarter one in the relationship 

"Uh no??" 

Seokmin was like "ok then the other has to do whatever the other says for the entirety of Christmas" 

"???? Whyyyyy?" 

"Because its not challengeing or fun if there isn't any condition" "Ugh fine" 

So the two of you zip around looking for the best gifts you could get 

You try to stay away from the people doing their last minute shopping 

Seokmin doesnt dare go in between an old lady mouthing of another customer 

Tbh its super stressful 

wtf 

what kind of date is this 

Only morons would do this wtf 

Both of you got shoved constantly 

There wasnt really much space to move around 

And there wasnt really anything to choose from 

But hey guess what 

Seokmin found some really cool gifts 

"Daheck did u get that shirt?" 

"Isle five. There were a bunch of people grabbing some stuff and this fell to the ground and so i picked it up and thought it was pretty cool"

You on the other hand got like ok gifts 

I mean theyre not bad

 But da hell did dk get a frikin eeyore onesie idek 

It was no contest.  

Seokmin defo won 

"Yisss so i win therefor u have to make me some Christmas cookies tomorrow" 

"U ho did u really just make me suffer through that so you could ask me to make cookies 4 u???" 

"Yes but we really didn have gifts tho." 

U roll ur eyes 

Seokmin's face falls, "r... r u like mad @ me?" 

"Uhhhhhhhhhh" 

You knit your brows at him but release a smile when u see his nervous look 

"No babo. Im jusy tired, lezgo back home" 

He sighs and nods, kissing your cheeks 

"Dont worry baby, ill carry all of this back home" 

Which he does 

And when u get back 

He says he forgot something in the car

then comes bzck 

And then forcefully turns u around 

Ur about to protest

But the you realize he's putting on a silver necklace on u 

"Yahhhh seokminie, u shouldnt have. Where you even get this"

"I bought it a while back, duh" he chuckles then kisses you on the cheek 

"Merry christmas jagi" 

Mingyu  

You are a genius for getting boyfriend like mingyu 

uh and super lucky like fu-- 

BUT TODAY 

Ur extra glad that mingyu is 10ft tall 

Because ur going to be decorating your very own tree 

Wow 

You bought he prettiest glass ornamnets

 and the sparkliest streamers 

"I have a vision," u explain 

Mingyu nods in understanding 

U and him lift the tree into the living room 

And then u start decorating the tree from the bottom up 

Its all rly chill

 You lot are chatting about whatever 

He's tellling you about ur tour n stuff 

U put on some Christmas tunes for flare 

And then u stand up from the floor and boogey with each other 

Yall shake ur butts 

and go around the tree wrapping it in tinself 

Mingyu steals one of the ornaments from u

 and u try to take it back from him like the genius u are 

Except hes holding it over his head 

N u cant for the life of u reach his hand up there 

So u step on his foot 

And punch his stomach 

And he bends down in reaction 

In pain

Soz

He was asking for it

U steal the decor back 

Then he proceeds to chase u around because aparently ur the bully 

*instert pikachu meme here* 

N then u get back towork 

Or i mean take a break 

And u eat a bunch of holiday special junk 

And then u get back to work 

"ok nows for the star" 

U hand him the star because its the entire point of his existance

getting that star up ther 

with his longass arms 

He turns to u "u dont wanna put it" 

BOI 

u suck in a breath 

"I cant frIKICN REACH IT U LIL" 

He give a face, "there are ways" 

"My go-- just put the AHHHHHHH"

AND THEN THE NEXT THING U KNOW

 Hes crouching down pulling ur legs on his shoulders 

"MINGYU PUT ME DOWN" you say, about to rip of his face 

Mostly because u have nothi to hold onto

but he stands 

with u on his shoulders

and walks to the tree 

"Put the damn thing on before u fall!!" 

Wow its ur fault again

And screaming u put the star on 

And mingyu putz u down 

"Okay that was stressful" 

U punch him in the gut again 

The8  

Minghao is super tired 

But super looking forward to spending time with u 

So u defintely go on a date 

But its of the lazy movie watch variety

Im talking all the chesey romance movies 

Set in december 

that has like mistletoe kisses 

And snow scenes 

And also those holiday specials

 For catroons 

And non cartoons 

Even the one with arnold swartzimacallit 

You pull out the laptop 

And get on netflix 

There's popcorn on 

And hot tea 

Or whatever the hell 

Its all just very warm 

and u and minghao are wrapped together in a warm blanket 

Ur nestled in between is legs and ur super warm and cozy and im so soft bleh 

"Oh oh, u should see this part, its my fav--" 

But u stop uourself when u turn and see minghao fell asleep

 U coo and let him obvi 

taking unflattering pictures duh 

But also cute ones because 

#couplegoals 

He doesn't sleep through all the movies though 

You end up watching non christmas themed films too 

Like toy story4 

OKAY I CRIED AT THE ENDING 

PIXAR IS REALLY COMING FOR MY WIG 

"You look really cute cuddled up against me" he'll randomly blurt 

U feel ur cheeks brun at that 

but no he cant have that 

"I thought i was always cute" 

He chuckles and groans as he hugs u tightly 

U laugh at his reaction 

"Of course you're always cute" 

"Ok but the teddy bear u got me is actually cuter" 

"Nononono, the teddy is cute but uuu are cuter" 

"Were u always this gross?" 

Seungkwan 

Okay 

before u tell me these are getting worse and worse every passing member 

i would first like to say i know 

and  that seungkwan bought u a cute dress for Christmas 

and took u to a fancy restaurant 

Ok ur welcome 

But like even if it werent fancy 

U'd still like it 

cause holy guacamole 

imagine holding seungkwans hand as u walk around

Jsut being so head over heels

and super in love with the cutie

Groooossss 

LinDA 

The feeling is mutual for him when he's around u 

so he stops mid conversations 

just to take ur pic 

Its kinda annoyig 

but kinda cute 

"Hey unknow hansol told me about-- what are u doing"

 "No go on, im just talking ur picture"

 Literally the bst hype man alive 

Will make take dozen upon dozen photos of u 

And will make u pose for aethetics 

He will go on making sure everyone knows u da hottest ho in the place 

n ur like "seungkwan stfu u embarrassssing meee" 

And then oml  

Some moron tries to hit on u 

and seungkwan sqwares up ready to hit a fool 

would he actually do it i mean 

Like 

prolly Not 

but then again he looked really mad 

So u calm him down 

and u go bzck home 

And the cuddles 

"Baby girl im sorry if i embarrassed u"

 "Nah itz chill i mean i know u have good intentions"

U smile and he takes another candid phto of u

"Broooooo!!"

 "Im donnnr. Now hows about we get rid of that dress" 

Vernon  

okay im willing to guess hansol loves drinking hot chocolate in the winter

So he's like 

"Lets do a hot choco review" 

And buys 897 types of hot choco 

Or like ten 

wtf eight hundres pluss is too much 

So ur like okay i like hot choco 

and then he pulls out his phone and does a vlive 

"No i am not jealous of joshua hyungs vlive with his gf" 

Yall make like ten cups of hot choco 

and is chaotic 

Idek how u could get injured 

But hey 

It wasnt even the hot water invovled 

but the wrapping of the choco powder 

"Technical difficulties hansol is a big moron" 

U get him a bandaid

"Ya! I am not" 

Yall start reviewing anyway 

*insert try guys eugenes voice* 

Im rihght

 Ur wong 

Shut up 

After trying the first onw 

Ur like wow dis is good 

the second was even better 

The third one u hold

then u realized there were eight more cups 

And that u made so

much 

so u were like "omf there is too much "

then u debated whether or not calling seventeen to drink the rest 

But then hansol was like "ther isnt enough for themm"

Then ur like 

"okay whatabout making a super hotchoco" 

n vernon was like 

???? 

"THATS THE BEST IDEA UVE EVVER HAD" 

SO YALL GET A BIGASS POT 

MIX THE REST IN 

REALIZE U HAVENT RATED THE other cups

 Shrug it off 

and get a cup of the hot choco mix 

"Tastes like corn" 

"Bish dafaq" 

Dino 

Yikes 

so 

Chan is a dumb ho 

and got himself sick at Christmas so 

nononoono thats a no to any cute date ideas 

and its just you and him staying at home 

U personally dont mind 

but hes like "awww but i had so many ideas"

 but obvi U cant risk him getting any sicker than he already is 

So you stay home and take care of him 

and all he can do is complain about everything 

about the cold 

his runny nose 

The lack of taste of the food

 His head ache 

The fact his bed is hot 

And that fact that u have to take care of him 

And treat him like a baby 

"I am not a baby" 

"Listen up, u are always gonna be my baby" 

"Not u toooooo najsjsjjs" 

You make him some hot cocoa 

And hes like "im not drinking that if u call me baby again" 

"Babybabybabybabybaby" 

Ugghgg "If you keep doing that im not going to give u the gift i gotchu" 

"Well das on u" 

And then u end up going ona glaring contest 

Chan ends up giving it to u anyway 

"i hope u choke on it" he grumbles with insencerity 

U coo when u see that its a handwritten letter 

And then u end up crying because hes super soft

N ur super soft

And gahhh u love him so much

 Chan pats ur back because he doesnt want to get u sick if he hugs u  

U sniffle and wipe ur eyes 

"Who's the baby now, cry baby" 

You snarl and pinch his side 

And now i say

This was probably hecking bzd but i hope u enjoyed 

merry CHRISTMAS 

ITS MY FABORITE HOLiDAY 

TAKE CARE Of urselves mwaah

Support me on ko-fi

[invisibletinkerer]

Fic: The Secret Journal of 'Stanford' Pines

Size: ~3000 words AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20864183

Stan Pines keeps a journal of brief daily notes during the summer of 2012.

Note: We all know that the Gravity Falls timeline makes no sense whatsoever. Therefore this is based on a headcanon timeline I made a year or so ago, trying to incorporate as many of the canon dates (in show and published J3) as possible, but ignoring the ones that were contradictory or made no sense. This still means some episodes did not happen in a strictly chronological order.

June 1

Kids are here. I have no idea what to do. Why did I agree to this.

Boy is a grump and girl made macaroni art in the kitchen. Did I even have macaroni?

 June 2 Sunday

I think boy got spooked in the forest. He seems fine, though. Good taste in gold chains.

Girl is now dating some punk kid.

 June 3

Kids looked like they’d been run over by the golf cart when they got back tonight. Not good.

Gave them some free gifts from the shop to cheer em up. Yes I know

Boy got a new hat. Should get him to wear a Mystery Shack shirt next. Girl found a grappling hook that was not in my inventory. Bold choice.

What would they say if they knew about me?

June 4

Fishing Season Opening Day – took the kids fishing.

Of course, they got excited about monster hunting instead. They’re listening to reason about as well as I and Fo did as a kid.

But. They came back to me in the end. We had fun.

I love those kids.

 June 5

Soos found those cursed old wax statues I sealed up some ten years ago. Don’t seem all that cursed now. One had melted.

Mabel’s gonna make a new one for the wax museum. Meaning I’ll have to figure out how to make suckers pay to look at wax statues again.

 June 6

Mabel’s wax creation nearly gave me a heart attack. It looks just like my twin me.

She’s crazy talented.

 June 7

I’d say the wax museum reopening went well. Assuming “well” means “profit”.

Did anyone actually think I’d hand out free pizza?

 June 8

Hanging out with my wax twin Stan, and the moment I turned my back he was murdered.

 June 9 Sunday

Tried to hold a funeral for Wax Stan. Failed to keep it tounge-in-cheek.

Face it, Ford is long gone

 June 10

Guess the wax people were still as cursed as I remembered. Kids killed them with fire – I should have done that long ago.

Dipper crawled in the vents all day looking for a wax head that got away.

If I keep telling him he’s delusional, he’s got to stop looking for trouble eventually, right?

 June 11

Mabel decided I should date Lazy Susan. Couldn’t stop her. Now Susan and her cats keep calling me.

This was a bad idea. (I will never tell Mabel that.)

 June 12

Went on a date with Lazy Susan to shut her up. That ended just as well as expected.

Need to figure out some more specific excuses.

 June 13

The worst thing is, the Portal should work now. It’s functional. I just can’t get it to start.

Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all along

I did fix that old copier. Don’t know if it still makes copies of people, but at least it makes copies of paper again.

Caught Dipper making oogly eyes at Wendy. I smell drama.

 June 14

Did not expect “The Duchess Approves” to be that good.

 June 15

The traditional Mystery Shack party that has nothing to do with any birthdays.

Mabel is a great singer, and that Northwest brat cheated.

Happy birthday, Sixer.

 June 16 Sunday

Gideon Gleeful’s running TV ads again.

Of course my family goes to his show just to spite me.

 June 17

Mabel played with Gideon today. Did not see that one coming.

As long as she’s happy, I guess.

 June 18

I hate Pioneer Day.

Stupid people acting even stupider than normal, nothing works, then someone (me) ends up in the stocks.

 June 19

Gideon and Mabel are dating!?

Seemed like a horrible idea, but Bud Gleeful has a point on the moneymaking opportunities if we play it right.

 June 20

So if Mabel marries Gideon, his business will be incorporated into mine. I sure like the sound of that.

Bud is already making t-shirts.

 June 21

 June 22

OK, no. No deals with the Gleefuls. Not now or ever.

Mabel broke up with the little pest. Good riddance.

Got me a nice painting from Bud’s house, though.

 June 23 Sunday

The Mystery Fair! It may look cheap, but it brings in the money.

Though someone broke all safety protocols and brought a futuristic laser gun to Dunkle the Grunkle. That’s unfair.

Mabel has a pig now.

 June 24

Got roped into the gaming arcade with the kids.

Maybe get one of those games for the Shack?

 June 25

Mabel decided to fix my fear of heights.

I can say this – being on top of a water tower about to fall over was unpleasant. Compared to that, a high but stable ground isn’t so bad.

Dipper got into a fistfight with Wendy’s boyfriend over teenage drama, but good on him for standing up for himself.

 June 26

For some reason Gideon has gotten it into himself that he wants the Mystery Shack now.

Good luck, kid. I’m a better conman than you’ll ever be.

 June 27

Mabel is slightly taller than Dipper. This is funny.

Gideon Gleeful trying to be threatening while throwing a hysterical fit after breaking my new mirror maze – mostly confusing. Wish I knew what went on in that kid’s head.

 June 28

Kids made me wear the golden teeth. Guess they think I’m a dishonest man.

Fortunately, I’m good at bullshitting even when telling the truth. Think I scandalized the poor things. Hilarious.

Could have been disaster, though. Could have easily made them hate me.

 June 29

Spent half the day falling down the Bottomless Pit.

 June 30 Sunday

Summerween, now that’s a respectable local holiday.

Scaring children for fun and profit. Celebrating true evil together with family.

 July 1

Hottest day of the year. Wax Stan was permanently murdered by the weather.

Closed the Shack and went to the municipal pool with the kids.

Gideon stole my perfect pool chair. It’s on.

 July 2

Broke into the pool area at night to get the chair to myself. Which was a good plan, until I wanted to get up later in the day. The pest had coated it with glue.

The kids broke into the pool at night, too. Didn’t ask.

 July 3

Opened the Shack again.

Can’t be too lazy. Tourists to fleece and all that.

 July 4

 July 5

Mabel bet she could run the Shack better than I can. Well. I’m nothing if not a gambler.

So, three days of vacation, in which I will make more money than she will make running the Shack. Winner takes the Shack, loser sings a silly song.

Best case scenario, she learns something about business and stops complaining. Worst case, she actually makes money and then runs the Shack for me the rest of the summer. Not bad.

 July 6

Made it past the line to be a contestant on Cash Wheel, using my Old Man powers and lack of common decency.

Why is it so hard to sleep

 July 7 Sunday

Well. I lost at Cash Wheel.

Guess that means I lost the bet with Mabel, too. Unless I go rob a bank or something in the time I have left. Hm.

 July 8

Turns out Mabel barely broke even when running the Shack. She did win the bet, but she didn’t want my job, no surprise there.

I’m proud of her for learning something.

She still made me sing that song. On video tape. It’s kinda catchy.

 July 9

Mabel’s friends came for a sleepover. They make a lot of noice.

 July 10

Soos managed to uncover the door to Ford’s that old study I sealed thirty years ago the very moment the kids demanded separate bedrooms.

I never wanted to see that room again. His glasses were still there

Guess they didn’t want the room in the end, but now it’s open. Can’t re-seal it.

I think they messed around with the freaky carpet. Took it away at the end of the day just in case.

 July 11

I fucked up, but I fixed it.

I got Mabel’s pig back, even when I had to punch a pterodactyl in the face for it.

She doesn’t hate me.

I love that kid so much.

 July 12

That weird egg I pocketed from the dino-cave hatched. Dipper says it’s a compo-whatnot.

I call him Compy. He’s now my Mystery Pet.

 July 13

Soos’ birthday. The kids tried to throw a party, which is. Bad idea.

Think he appreciated laser tag, though. And the magic pizza they got him. Never seen him so happy on a birthday.

 July 14 Sunday

Turns out Compy is a very tiny dragon. Hoards stuff, mostly cash. In places I can’t reach.

It’s no good. Gonna hand the chicken-lizard over to farmer Sprott first thing in the morning before he bankrupts me.

 July 15

Mabel and her friends went to some boy band concert. Got back late with a large pack of spoils. Probably robbed someone.

Wendy’s boyfriend is charming her with homemade music. Dipper suspects magic. Can’t rule that out.

 July 16

There was a hypnotic message in the music, but telling Wendy about it only made the teenage drama worse.

Went bowling with Dipper afterwards to cheer him up. Should have a chat with Wendy, too.

 July 17

Gideon   I’m   How could

Didn’t know Gideon was that serious.

As if half-lucid dreams about that yellow triangle wasn’t bad enough. (The kids know something. Not asking. I want them to stay away from that stuff.)

We’re staying with Soos as I panic figure out how to fix this.

 July 18

I can’t fix this.

Gideon’s got the whole town eating out of his hand and I’m just a grouchy old man.

Doing the responsible thing. Got bus tickets to send the kids home tomorrow.

Whatever I do next, don’t want them to watch.

 July 19

GIDEON IS A LITTLE SHIT AND I AM AWESOME.

Figured out his trick, proved it in public and now he’s in jail.

Got the Shack back. Got the kids back.

And. Get this. Gideon had one of Ford’s missing journals. I have it now.

 July 20

I can’t believe it. Dipper. Had the third journal all summer.

All three of the dumb books are right here in front of me.

I activated the Portal. Simple as anything.

It’s scanning for Ford right now.

I’m actually bringing him back.

 July 21 Sunday

Grand reopening of the Mystery Shack turned into a zombie-fest.

Kids could’ve died because I was too busy with the Portal to pay attention. That won’t happen again.

Should have talked to them about weirdness sooner. Hope they believed me when I said I have no more secrets.

A little worried that government might have picked up signals from the Portal.

 July 22

Repairing the Shack. Too much undead slime to attract tourists like this.

 July 23

Re-reopened the Shack.

Dipper got himself an old laptop computer from somewhere. Probably stolen. He tried to hide it.

 July 24

Went minigolfing with the kids.

Mabel challenged Pacifica Northwest to a duel at midnight. I’m so proud of her.

Letting kids into minigolf courts at night to take a rich snob down a few pegs – finally putting my skills to good use.

 July 25

I still can’t believe the Portal works.

It keeps scanning.

 July 26

Tried to bring old Goldie back to the gift shop but apparently he’s unhip and scary. Had to throw him away before the parents sued me.

What I do need is a singing animatronic robot badger. That’s what kids like these days.

 July 27

Soos missed work for the first time ever. Seems to be girl trouble, but the kids are handling it.

Would’ve stolen myself a robot badger if it hadn’t tried to kill me. Saved by old Goldie. No way I’m not keeping him now.

 July 28 Sunday

Went for a Vegas vacation because I deserve it.

Not because I’m nervous.

Brought Goldie, might have gotten slightly drunk. And slightly married.

 July 29

Mabel found herself a new obsession with hand puppets.

She’ll throw a big show on Friday. Made me rent Gravity Falls theatre for her. (Can’t believe I did that.)

 July 30

The Shack is full of sock puppets and kids and Mabel keeps singing.

Guess this is my life now.

 July 31

 August 1

Soos went to his cousin’s wedding with his new girlfriend. Good on him.

Mabel’s still obsessing about puppets.

Dipper looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Can’t blame him with all this ruckus.

 August 2

Play was good! Think it paid for the costs, too. Mabel’s got showmanship.

Don’t get the ending, though.

I mean. Children fighting always makes for good footage, but was it necessary to beat Dipper up that bad? I swear Mabel don’t know how strong she is.

A little worried about Dipper. He seemed high as a kite all day. Probably sleep deprivation. At least he’s sleeping now.

 August 3

 August 4 Sunday

Gravity’s going more crazy around the Portal the longer it’s on, but I don’t care.

It hasn’t found Ford yet.

It won’t find him if he’s dead

 August 5

The Portal ate my notebook.

Got a nasty cut on the back of my hand from some debris, too. Could have been worse.

 August 6

Tried to advertise the Mystery Shack for the kids at the Woodstick Festival. Hilarious disaster.

Being feared is worth more than being loved anyway.

 August 7

 August 8

IT FOUND HIM.

He’s alive. There’s a lock on his position.

Fuck I don’t  I have to

I know how it works. It needs to calibrate for a while. It needs to be fueled for the big moment.

I’ll go rob a government facility right now.

(So glad the kids are off at the Northwest party tonight.)

27 hours and then I’ll see him again.

 August 9

Ford is back.

I had to run from the feds and the kids found out everything the wrong way but it worked and he’s back.

But he doesn’t  He still hates me.  

Why would I expect anything else.

Don’t know what I’d do with myself if the kids weren’t here.

It’s fine. I fucked up everything, but. Mabel trusts me. Dipper forgives me. I’m fine.

not crying

 August 10 Sunday

The Shack needs repairs again.

Spent most of the day making Duck-tective finale preparations with Mabel. We had fun.

Told the kids to stay away from Ford.

 August 11

Dipper has predictably decided to be nerd friends with my brother.

Can’t stop him. He looks happy. Both of them do.

Still can’t figure out why Ford would have reality altering dice lying around in his sci-fi pouch.

Anyway. I knew Duck-tective had an evil twin.

 August 12

I hate everything.

Ford will take my his place here soon enough, does he have to undercut me while I’m still here?

I’m running for mayor now.

 August 13

Kids are helping me with a political campaign. Apparently I know nothing about politics and have unpalatable opinions. Bah.

 August 14

The Stump Speech went great! I relax, words happen, people cheer.

Dipper got a lucky tie for me. Think it really works.

 August 15

Should’ve tried being a politician before. Almost feels like people like me.

 August 16

Nope. Politics is not for me. Too much mind control.

Should’ve known it wasn’t me making those speeches.

(The kids shouldn’t get into politics either. Can’t always be there to save them from murder.)

Turns out I’m not mayor material, but I’m a HERO.

Take that, Ford.

 August 17

Rented an RV and took Soos and the kids and Mabel’s friends on a road trip.

Pranking the tourist traps. Good old Mystery Shack tradition for the last time.

Dipper’s practising flirting like a pro.

 August 18 Sunday

Almost got eaten by a spider-woman. That could have gone better.

Have to admit, the kids are heroes too.

Don’t think Ford noticed we were gone.

 August 19

Opened the Mystery Shack for the final stretch.

Two more weeks, then I’m gone for good.

 August 20

Made a good deal on illegal pugs. Still got it.

Ford and Dipper put some magic mojo on the Shack. Not gonna ask.

Might have something to do with how badly Ford is sleeping.

 August 21

Ten days left until the kids’s birthday and the end of summer.

Guess I’m doing a countdown now.

 August 22

Nine days left.

 August 23

Eight days left.

I’m gonna order a ponytail kit.

 August 24

HELL NO I DON’T NEED THIS.

It’s the literal end of the world and the kids are missing.

Suddenly orange skies, goats turning into monsters, the whole shebang. I thought I had enough troubles.

That magic on the Shack seems to be protecting it, but. THE KIDS ARE MISSING. So is Ford.

 ??? 1

Day and night are replaced by eternal glowing orange and every single clock is busted, so no more dates.

Went out looking for the kids, but all I find is other people. Also demons. No sign of Soos or Wendy, either.

Been taking people to the Shack. Safest place on Earth for all I know. I have enough brown meat and elected myself Chief.

The kids are fine. Probably with Ford. That’s the ticket.

 ??? 2

Went out looking again. Found the Northwest girl dressed in nothing but a potato sack. She was crying and I don’t want to know, but she didn’t deserve it.

Been told the head honcho is the yellow triangle. He calls this Weirdmageddon.

Old McGucket showed up more coherent than usual, herding a whole flock of forest creatures into the Shack. Starting to get crowded here.

The kids are fine. Of course they are.

 ??? 3

There’s still people alive out there. I heard cars over at Gleeful’s place.

Didn’t see anyone else.

I’ve lost  I couldn’t even

Mabel and Dipper are definitely still alive. So is Soos and Wendy. And Ford better be.

 ??? 4

They’re alive!

All four of my kids, bursting through the door like cops doing a raid but they’re alive!

Now all I want is for them to stay here and be safe. Why can’t they see that?

I’m done saving my brother’s skin and getting nothing but scorn for it.

Ford made his own bed with that demon. Forget it.

 ??? 5

Did I mention, the plan concocted by five kids, Soos, and a known madman is utterly insane?

They’re rebuilding the Shack. I just had it repaired, too.

It’s my house, but no one’s listening to me.

 ??? 6

I keep having this bad feeling about Ford.

It’s dumb. My brother has made it perfectly clear how he feels about being saved.

 ??? 7

Well then.

Not letting the kids lead an apocalypse rebellion against a demonic triangle without me.

 August 25 Sunday

 August 26

 August 27

 August 28

Huh. I can’t remember writing this, but it does ring a few bells.

It’s like I

I need to talk to Ford.

 August 29

So. The apocalypse is over, and we’re all fine.

We killed the demon by burning my mind out when he was inside, pretty much.

My mind’s still there, but it’s kinda. Well. In need of repair.

Spent a few days reliving good memories.

Turns out there’s more than a few bad ones, too. But.

Everyone is so good to me

I don’t deserve this

 August 30

I remember how Ford looked at me after I brought him back.

Now he acts like  he likes to   he thinks I’m

Now it’s like he’s my brother again.

He said. “Thank you.”

 August 31

The kids have left. I’ll miss them, but I’ll see them again.

Until then, my brother and I are going sailing.