#it’s not even something in particular. it’s just a mindset. a feeling i have now

[tarotnoob]

First half of 2025 (general reading)

This is for the first 3 to 6 months for you in 2025. Please choose a pile and scroll for your reading.

Pile 1: Hongdae magnet

Pile 2: calico cat

Pile 3: Fox and blue flower

Pile 1

What a nice pile! I think the energy of how this pile went matches the cards pretty well. The cards just sort of like hopped out of the deck. So, I think for the first 3 to 6 months of this year, you're going to be taking some bold steps, kind of throwing yourself into things, literally taking leaps with your career or some kind of skill or hobby. I see a lot of returns for your efforts. There's a lot of potential success and recognition. Again, this looks like it's particularly going to have to do with work, a skill, a hobby, or something that you're studying in school. Some of you may even graduate with law degrees or something in some kind of social justice. So probably yeah a lot of you might be graduating in around May or June.

I see a lot of you upgrading your skills in regard to if you play music, or you are a writer or some kind of artist. Because of the practice, practice, practice category I definitely think it's reinforcing you putting in the effort everyday or every week doing whatever it is you're doing, and then eventually you're going to see rewards from it. Again, this feels more like in the form of promotions or a new job where you make more money or is more suited to your skills, or graduating with a degree or certificate especially in a particular field. This isn't so much like graduating with a general liberal arts degree though there's nothing wrong with that, but this feels like people who are studying something more particular whether it's arts or science.

This makes even more sense with the open up to change new moon in Aquarius card. Aquarius is often about information, technology, communication. So I'm seeing more like science or law driven people and then some of you will just have very specific things you're doing with the arts like it would have to be specific widths instruments like you play the horn or you are specifically studying digital art. So I see a lot of success with that. There's a lot of clarity coming through as well. I think some of you are going to embark on some life changes in the next 3 to 6 months and you'll have more clarity about your future and what you want to do and where you want to go and probably job offers will come in if you're graduating.

Also again the art of Life card with this door that is blue with a star on it, it says there's no sacred light in the aura of an invisible life be bold in your skin let your love dance in sight. So again I think confirmation for those of you graduating with art degrees or upgrading your art skills. It's also reinforcing that idea of being bold and taking leaps and sort of carrying that full energy into the first half of the year. I think this also harkens back to the idea of clarity as well. So lots of things will start falling into place for you kind of like a puzzle. And I feel like it's just going to go step by step by step. Very normal chronological events. Like you do the work, you graduate, you get the job either before you graduate or shortly after because you have all the skills you need to get it. Or even if you're just getting your bachelor's degree and moving on to graduate school or from graduate to PhD. Everything seems to be lining up fine according to how the energy is now. Again as long as you are still putting in the effort and having a positive mindset and being goal oriented.

With affirmations, it says to lift up your thoughts and energy, and to attract what you desire, use positive affirmations. Again I think this is being very clear-minded with your goals and your choices and as long as you follow that path, you'll get exactly what you want. I'm not necessarily seeing a manifestation card, but this is what it feels like. However the logical side of me is like well of course it's going to come because you put the work into it and had clarity and a positive mindset about where you're going. So that just makes sense right. When you put the directions into an app, more than likely it's going to take you where you need to go because you get on the road and you take the turns that you're supposed to and you clearly know where you're headed. As long as you carry that mindset, it will be fine.

In terms of colors, I see quite a lot coming through. The predominant one for me are the purples and the blues and then greens and yellows. So a lot of clarity in terms of mind and communication, spiritual effort is going to be necessary. Like I said having a positive mindset and doing the affirmations. Green is going to be your heart, doing something that you have passion for. The yellow would be doing it with confidence or building your confidence through repeatedly doing whatever it is you're doing. Like if you want to be an actor, you are already performing in plays on stage or taking the acting classes. If you want to be a scientist or researcher, you're working in the lab and getting hands-on experience at school.

So, this feels like my very logical, goal-oriented people or at least people who are super confident in where they are headed. I also sort of wonder if you might have a bit of luck during this time. Almost like things will be on your side for the most part. But again I think that has to do with mindset and having a goal and putting in the work.

I don't think there's much to say. I find this pile pretty clear. But we can talk about the numbers. You have a six 11 or two and then an eight... So maybe June could be especially significant like June 11th or June 2nd or June 8th. I think the Justice card in terms of what that card usually means besides indicating maybe an area of study or work that you're going into, is just the suggestion that you're going to be rewarded for the work that you put in. It's giving like that karma energy. So whatever you put in you're going to get out and you're going to get recognized for, you're going to earn skills, and be acknowledged for your hard work or abilities. Some of you besides wanting to become a lawyer might want to become a judge or a social worker or PR or philanthropy especially. And again I still feel like a lot of science and research happening as well. And the arts.

Some of you could have legal situations and you'll find success. Something very specific would be a thing like workers compensation or receiving professional development from your job, having opportunities to travel to go to a conference something like that. Although there aren't really any travel cards here. Specifically during late January or February, you might have opportunities for change. This could be planning more during this time about your graduation or having job interviews etc

I don't see much in the way of romance at least that's not what the cards are focusing on for this time. I do at least see you in the presence of friends and colleagues. There are people who admire you for your skills and abilities. I think you could be generally well liked and popular even. Some of you. I see a fair amount of self-reflection as well, but this is going to be geared toward your goal and your future and what you want to do. The advice I can give is pretty much to stay on the course you're on, be confident in yourself, make both choices and bold decisions, try to keep your eye on the prize is what I want to phrase it as. I already feel like most of you are pretty well focused, so I want to say just stay focused at least until the 6 months are up and get where you're going. If there are any turbulent times ahead for you, if it's not really showing up. The only place that it kind of could exist is in this Justice card because Finn looks pretty well beaten up. But I think this is more whatever hardships you go through, something will come out of it. Because six of wands indicates success for whatever you're going to do or put the effort into.

In terms of confirmation of astrological signs if you need that. Libra and Aquarius are really the only ones showing up. So that could be your sign or you could have a mentor of that sign. It's not a romantic indicator here. It is cute how you have a horse in the practice card and then a six of wands has a horse in it. So you could have a friend or a family member who has been significantly supportive and loyal to you, especially in regard to you fulfilling this role. Somebody who's kind of helped carry you to this point, so as long as you're also very appreciative of that person in your life.

That could be part of your affirmations and showing gratitude. They both even have a little pink scarf around their necks or will one has like some flowers. Okay fine so maybe some of you if you did have a spouse or significant other that has supported you through your studies. It's not necessarily a love match but I feel like it's more showing appreciation for people who have supported you along your path. Like if they listened to you play your instrument or came to watch your shows or listened to you talk about your dissertation. Or maybe you even had a close friend or colleague that you're graduating with from your studies. But mostly I see it as support. It could even be a spirit guide if you're into that. Somebody who kind of had a hand in it on your way to make sure that you got the success that you deserved.

Okay well rather than keep repeating the same things. Very cool oriented group, success at least halfway through the year, moving on in terms of studies and career, potentially upleveling any kind of skill that you've been working on, being surrounded by supportive people, a real focus on the future and goals and making sure that you keep telling yourself no matter what happens that you're going to get there because you're doing the work. I don't see a lot of doubt or I should say I don't see there's a lot of room to have doubt. As in it's not going to help you get to where you want to go so just throw it out and be like okay. This is my destination, these are the routes or steps I need to take to get there, and that is literally all I need to focus on. I don't need to focus on any BS. That doesn't mean you can't have a personal life, it just means that this is something that's your priority right now. And because that goal is so clear in your mind, it does seem very attainable and real. So good luck!

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Pile 2

Where to start? Let's start with the tower and destiny card because both cards talk about and indicate change. I also think that having the spring card as well indicates that sort of change in transformation. I can't tell you whether this is going to be a difficult change, just that there's really nothing that you can do about it and that it has that very traditional the tower card meaning of something toppling down because something new wants to come in, usually that indicates something with the stronger foundation. Tower changes can be any kind of thing, they could be something like losing a job, or ending a relationship, or a loss in the family. I don't mean to sound scary, but it's more than just simple transition or transformation, then maybe we would have gotten the death card. This can be a more forceful type of change or it doesn't have to be a really dramatic or sad event filled with loss, but it tends to be something that shakes you up a bit and feels uncomfortable.

It also falls in line with the timing. We see that it says spring, so for some of you around the end of March could be an indicator of the timing. I know spring doesn't really like come until maybe you think of April but perhaps it will be a warmer year. Because I'm feeling more Aries energy so I guess that is March and the beginning of April.

So that definitely indicates timing of when you can expect maybe some type of event, change, upheaval. It does possibly involve people, as in a relationship, friendships, family. I say that because you have two Court cards. You have the Queen of wands and a king of cups. This could also indicate a specific relationship where the Queen of wands energy is perhaps an Aries. This could be a romantic relationship or a friendship or whatever. Because the king of cups is here. It could also indicate two people. If somebody is a water sign or water dominant and the other person is a Queen of wands type person. There could be some type of friction between these people or some type of significant change in this relationship or that person in this relationship could be causing some type of change for you in your life or going through their own change sure. I don't think the cards always have to indicate that this is about you. It could be about somebody in your life going through this type of change and then it having effects on you or you need ing to be aware of what's going on with them.

Again to get specific, this could have to do with literally if you have a daughter or niece or a younger person around you. I don't want to really give scenarios for that kind of situation. A pregnancy could be a tower moment. Not because it has to be negative but obviously it indicates huge change in your life and maybe uncomfortable moments or conversations if it's unexpected. The daughter card could also indicate your inner child or something that you've been wanting to do or pursuing or going through since you were young. It could be indicative of an event, particularly in the spring, that involves a child's birthday or communion or baptism or a birth in the family so a lot of you could experience or your family could experience an unexpected announcement of a child or an adoption or something along those lines.

The spring being more about birth too I'm more inclined to say that this is about a pregnancy and not necessarily like a death in the family or if it were it would be like you lose somebody and then you have an announcement of somebody being pregnant or something. But I'm not really seeing death here sorry. Not to freak you out. But I just have to go through all of the potential possibilities for calamity. The destiny card again tells me that you know whatever happens is meant to happen. Same with the purposeful card. When I see the practice gratitude card for last quarter moon and Sagittarius, I also think this is a message of being thankful for what you do have, being appreciative of the people in your life, of those moments of peace that you have because life isn't always static and peaceful. To get to those moments you have to go through change and being uncomfortable and even pain and struggling sometimes.

But putting that aside because we do have to talk about the tower in that way. We could just talk about timing and you may not encounter anything negative. This is just about things happening around Aries timing you could be reunited or meet somebody during this particular time. Again I gave you the characteristics. You could be the king of cups and they could be the Queen of wands or vice versa. I wouldn't sort of be surprised if some of you were drawn to pile one because in that pile, I felt like there was somebody in some people's lives that was the support and sort of admired them for their skills. And I see this again here with the daughter card and the little cat and king of cups kind of like looking up with adoration. So you might be mentoring somebody or you might not realize that somebody is looking up to you. You could be a teacher or work around kids and people might be looking up to you for leadership during some type of event in the spring.

In terms of other things I guess I feel like a lot of not solitary energy but somebody who's a little bit of a quiet hero or martyr type of energy. There's a lot of feminine energy here as well. I see somebody who's interested in spirituality and higher learning. That there's a lot of time for reflection and maybe questioning what your purpose is or what you want to do or why things are happening the way that they are. Not just in your own life or other people's life but maybe the state of the world.

These three tarot cards could actually be a bit of a combination of your personality. Somebody who's a little bit bold and creative like the Queen of wands, somebody who's a bit how should I put it like a bit self-sabotaging sometimes or sometimes like has these mood swings or just has a lot of feelings all at once, but also somebody who is extremely sensitive and would be a good listener and really genuinely cares and is super empathetic maybe to the point that saying bad things happen has a huge effect on you. I see you as again I'm feeling people who are drawn to work with children in some way. Teaching, social work, pediatrician. It could be an anniversary for some of you who maybe have lost a child and that anniversary or their birthday is in springtime.

I think the best message comes from the destiny card, which says one door closes another opens for you let the plans of destiny unravel true. And the door makes me think of Thailand or like a Buddhist style door. So like with that Sagittarius card, a lot of focus on spirituality. Like coming to terms with something internally that has to do with events in your life or the world and sort of rectifying those feelings that you're having. But a super empathetic type of personality. I do feel like internally troubled but like affected by external events. It might be a good time to really focus on healing whatever like childhood wounds or things that are affecting your feminine energy. You could be in survival mode and not being able to really rest and have that time to like heal exactly. Some indicators of advice are just the practice gratitude card. Being mindful probably. Remember to stay in the moment and when you get worked up maybe start thinking about things that you have that you can be grateful for or how you can have an impact on somebody else's life. Some people when they feel bad or they don't feel like jae deserve goodness or good things to happen to them or don't really like focus on themselves, can take that energy and put it into helping other people.

So I guess specifically becoming a mentor or maybe doing Big brother Big sister or considering adoption etc those are things that are coming through. I kind of want to pull another tarot card.

Ton of cups and death. So you did get that death card! So, I feel like such a downer when I read stuff because I have to read it two ways. I have to read it literally and then I can read it spiritually and whatever. So just because I read the most negative aspect of card doesn't mean that's going to happen to you.

What I get from this is again what I talked about in terms of the Tower and causing change. There could be a loss in the family, there could have already been a loss in the family. That's one possibility for a tower experience in the spring. And especially when you have ten of cups which can represent family as well to me. That's the most negative possible way to interpret it. But I already talked about some of those things. It can also be about an anniversary of a death. It could be like a global thing that's affecting you in terms of death.

But overall, also it could be that this king of cups card is specifically going to be a Scorpio. So maybe there's a lot of Aries and Scorpio energy that's affecting you during this time or the people involved could be in the Aries and Scorpio or you could be somebody with a fair amount of Aries and Scorpio in your chart or as your main signs. In that case this whole pile is just trying to analyze you in terms of your personality and what kind of person you are. So maybe that means the focus during this time is more about you figuring out yourself. Not a specific goal but just some type of transformation that you are experiencing that will develop who you are meant to be.

In general just death means spiritual transformation, or a cycle being fulfilled. Ten of cups is usually about happiness, whether it's about romance or family. It's about emotional fulfillment. So it can be some type of cycle come while like thinking back to what life was like a year ago and what has changed in terms of the things that have satisfied you or fulfilled you emotionally. Or that could be the cycle that you are working on now. What do I need to do to feel emotionally satisfied or happy or those are the things that you'll be thinking about during this time. Like there's a lot of emphasis here on just the cycle of life and death. So you're probably thinking a lot about those things right now. What's the purpose of life? Why am I here? Why do I have to endure these things? When am I going to meet my soulmate? Like why is everything so difficult or why does it take so long or why isn't my person here yet? Those times aren't wasteful or indulgent in our life. It's part of the process of figuring out who we are especially for people who are very intellectual and empathetic and affected by bad things that happen in the world or in our lives. Sometimes people take a little bit more time to push through that kind of spiritual sludge.

I don't know why but coming back to this spring event like a birthday or something significant with a child or daughter or whatever. It doesn't have to be a thing that is upcoming in the spring, it's just reiterating this cycle of life and death. But it's almost like some significant event around a child or childhood, has had a real impact on you and is now like causing this sort of internal what is going on. Kind of like a catalyst for change. Forcing you to change the way you think or to think about things more broadly or to change things that are happening in your life or something about you really. It's not really an external change I'm feeling. It's feeling more like an internal change that came about from some sort of catastrophic or sad event that either directly affected you or indirectly because you saw it on the news and it's just happening. So it's making you think about life and the purpose and things that you want or are lacking. There's nothing wrong with having reflective moments like that. And that's usually how people describe a tower moment anyway.

So a lot of spiritual navel gazing. Again practicing gratitude and focusing on the small pleasures in life as well as the small things that you can feel grateful for. Like looking at the bees on flowers or walking by and enjoying pretty things in a window display. I think things like that will be grounding because maybe I'm projecting but I feel like just a lot of frustration and a little bit of anger and resentment and trying to navigate through some of those feelings because really all you want to do is be happy but then you can't really be happy so it starts up this whole cycle of okay what am I doing wrong and what do I need to do and so on. But you're not a bad person. You're clearly a very sensitive and empathetic person and those people tend to end up having days where they feel bad about everything or sad.

You might pursue more spiritual self-care to help with that healing. You could consider therapy. With the daughter card, things that are just like indulgent in a child-like way. That type of joyous activity is really going to be beneficial for you. Especially really silly and immature things. So if you're feeling down, watch a silly cartoon or anime. I would recommend rather than watch anything negative or dark or heavy, to try and push yourself to read or watch positive or uplifting things. During this time, I would suggest limiting your time on social media or any kind of scrolling of the news. If you need to spend time alone, do that. I already see you focusing a lot on yourself anyway. But I do think you would benefit through volunteering or any kind of activity where you can help other people. I just don't think maybe intellectually and spiritually are going to be a little bit listless for the first half of the year. Restless way. Frustrated at times.

I don't necessarily see an outcome in particular by the end of 6 months. If anything this is more like a temporary time or sort of transitory time. You might see more results or more change or something happen around next fall and winter. Given that we have Scorpio and Sagittarius. Of course you could read this at any time as well. This can be a timeless reading. But for those of you reading early spring or spring or whatever well actually it's not timeless if it's for the first half of 2025. But that doesn't mean you can't read it later on in 2025 and reflect on what's happened. Point being just for this pile in particular, it does seem that next October to Sagittarius could be significant in some way. Again as well as the timing around Aries. It could even be a cycle where maybe something or some event happens in March or early April and then another effect happens from that or related to that in the winter. That can be a cycle of its own I don't know is that long enough to have a baby as well. From March until December yeah. So again some of you might get pregnant or know somebody who gets pregnant. Gets pregnant around March and then is said to have a baby in December.

It could also just be reiterating that there's a strong focus about the life death cycle. And how those are subjects that you are thinking about and affecting you right now. These things would definitely affect your mental health areas and relationships. So it's not really saying a lot in terms of specific events with this reading but just acknowledging and validating what you can expect to feel and think and go through during this time and that that's okay. And that it's just part of the cycle of not just life. Legitimately like if a death or something happening in the world is affecting you and it is concentrated particular around that subject of life and death. But also potentially just part of that internal cycle of spiritual transformation and how there's an actual public process involved with that. Where you have to do deep reflection and think about things and if that serves some kind of purpose in the long run. I feel like I've been in that type of stage for a very long time and I'm not sure what the final outcome is. The only thing I know is that you are supposed to go through it and it's a natural. And you aren't alone in having those feelings or feeling like okay life isn't really like going one way or the other. What do I need to do and that's part of the frustration. Lots of people feel like that.

It could be a breakup that kind of affects you or it could be the anniversary of a breakup. But again that's just the most negative to read it. You could always read it like hey during Aries months I meet this Scorpio or I meet another Aries or I meet this fire sign or this other water sign. And maybe you meet that person shortly after a breakup. And that's part of a cycle of one thing ending and another beginning and it being for the best. The only kind of solace I can provide is that like everything is happening in course and everything that ended either was part of a plan or was a component necessary to push you into a direction that is more stable for you. Like perhaps leaving a relationship that was abusive or just neglectful or just wasn't completely 100% and then moving to a relationship that fills the gaps that the other relationship couldn't. But you would never know that you needed those things in the new relationship unless you went through the relationship that made you understand what was lacking or what you did need. And then you can apply that lesson if you don't have any type of relationship and don't want a relationship to some other area of life

Like you lose your job or you want to quit or whatever and then you end up at a job that fulfills you in ways that the previous job couldn't but losing the job itself caused a lot of conflict and stress and you weren't exactly sure of the outcome. Sometimes I think people get lessons in different types of ways. I don't know why that is. I don't want to say it's easier for some people but it certainly feels like that whereas some people get pushed off a cliff. And you think what did I do to deserve this? But in my experience it's been like those are the people that would have been slower to let go of an experience or situation that was negative for them so in order to get them out of that situation the universe gives them like a really rude kick in the pants. That feels very hurtful at the time but it is what it is is all I can say.

And in terms of looking at the little calico cat as the item that you picked. You know it's looking very cozy. You don't really know its situation either. Is it in a box because it was abandoned? Is it safe and cozy in a new home. Does it not want to venture outside it's cozy little box because the world is scary? I think that reflects a lot of what this pile is like is like a lot of people are having different types of experiences. But they seem to be stuck in a box and the universe is working very hard to try to shove you out of it in different ways. You might be very set in your ways or feel comfortable even if things aren't exactly as ideal or as happy as you wanted. So life is like well I think I'm going to have to force you out of this box. It's also interesting that I mentioned feminine energy and my understanding is that calico cats are mostly female because it's the sorting type of genetic thing. So again there's an emphasis on feminine and energy, pregnancy. This doesn't have to apply to gender or anything it's just the energy of receiving and self-love and empathy. So that's why I think a lot of the root issues have to do with empathy and compassion and sensitivity and feelings. Lots of people in their feelings in this pile. I could do a psychological profile and say probably there were interesting traumas in their childhood or traumas around sexuality or relationships or intimacy or love or whatever. And so there's a part of you that just needs to be handled with care. As if you were a baby or child.

You need to be very careful with yourself and how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself. So that's why I say a big emphasis on self-care like massages or taking care of your general health like going to an OBGYN or whatever related to your gender and health health. Doing things that make you happy that are small and things that you would expect would make a kid happy. Like watching your favorite shows or getting a coffee or an ice cream or going to an amusement park or getting a stuffed animal or getting something that makes you feel pretty. All in all, it's giving that typical heal your inner child wounds focus on those things. So if you like to listen to YouTube music, find some videos that center around healing childhood wounds and healing wounded femininity or whatever.

Follow that type of course in terms of healing and I think you will probably see results in the fall where you start to feel better or you recover from that significant change or you see that you can look back 6 or 7 months later or 9 months or whatever from March and be like oh I see the progress that I've made or I see why it happened that way or I see why I needed to go through that or have those thoughts or think about those things. I think it's a very slow progress type of energy. But it's essential and it's happening and it's valid. And this isn't to say that nothing is going to be happening in your life. It's just that it's not focusing on any specific events outside of a potential event in the spring. It's just that during the next 6 months or even this whole year, after events in life are going to happen and it's going to impact that internal life you have going on. You could have a whole slew of things that happen in the next year but that's not really the point

The point is more about this internal and spiritual transformation that you're on now and that you will continue to go on through the next 6 months and maybe even until the next year. And it's going to be not a super easy row. Maybe nothing significant happens but you're just feeling really depressed this year or anxious or whatever. And you working through that. Or maybe something upcoming will happen and put you on that kind of path as well. Or maybe by spring you'll have recovered from some type of event that happened year before and it's taken you that long to get to this point in the journey. So a lot of people having different experiences in this pile and possibly following a different kind of timeline where spring could be an end to something for some but a beginning for others and so on. It would make me think that it's possible a lot of people who read this particular pile are from a specific generation. Like a lot of gen z or a lot of millennial and so on. Because it's giving that sort of Pluto energy of being a generational feeling. Like a whole bunch of people going through this transitory period one time and being drawn to this particular pile.

So what can you expect? Lots of thoughts and feelings. Watch adventure Time. Go back and watch the shows that you used to watch that are nostalgic for you and made you laugh or feel good. Don't go back and watch Arcane for the thousandth time or even squid game. Like don't watch violent and heavy media. Literally put the limits on your social media scrolling. Go to the settings and make sure you aren't on Instagram for more than a couple hours a day.

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Pile 3

This pile is really all over the place. And that doesn't surprise me given the way it shuffled and the cards fell out. Like the Earth card sort of fell out because three of those Oracle deck cards came out and I was like that's too many I'll just take these but then when I peaked to see which one it was in case it came up relevant it had the fox on it so I was like oh well that's weird giving the sticker but I put it back anyway and then later on I was like no maybe I should include it maybe it was important. And then multiple cards came out of the other decks and then there were only two tarot cards and I was like clearly this is for the pile of people who are going to have issues concentrating or focusing.

Some readers say that when that happens it's also the pile that gets chosen by the most people. But let's just see.

I think the issue is that for the next 6 months there's just going to be a lot of different things happening. There's going to be opportunity for travel and adventure, there's going to be opportunity to try and work on your goals, there's going to be opportunity to do your spiritual practices, there's going to be opportunities where you can be a leader or organize some type of event or work on yourself and become more authentic. There's just like a whole lot of s*** that the universe is throwing at you at one time. Something that is kind of interesting is this walkabout card which says you discover your path in sacred walk about the trees are your people the Earth is your tribe in indigenous lessons you find the will to survive. This card has a lot of things that tie into other cards that you got like Earth and then in this manifest card she actually looks like a tree and with the adventure and even the guy in nine of wands with a stick it kind of makes me think of somebody walking or hiking. And then the be real card also has trees and stuff and the Earth card talks about being respectful of the planet so that makes me think of the word indigenous as well

I wonder if there are a lot of Earth signs or like earthy water signs for this pile. In terms of manifesting as well this 11:11 card with the synchronicity and spiritual numbers or whatever make me think about manifesting and the magician card is number one so there is an element of working on or working toward and being able to manifest certain things in life. But what are you manifesting well the perfect timing card says this is the right time for you to move forward. This matches the adventure card, it matches the nine of wands, step up and lead and so on. So a lot of the messages coming through are about finding your authentic goal and stepping into your power. I know those are kind of buzz words which I hate but just to give you an idea of it's almost like you are being set up to become a type of person or be put into a position where you become a leader.

This can be a lot of things like becoming a manager, becoming a graduate assistant, becoming a counselor and so on. It's like if you experience challenges or have experience challenges you are being set up to be put in a position where you could potentially help others. But it's also a feeling of not just being a cog in the machine like you would have your own spiritual practice or your own therapy practice or you would start your own blog to talk about travel or spiritual stuff. Like it's you literally taking the lead almost like a business person.

See the bigger picture as well like I just imagine somebody getting ready to prepare a small business and coming up with a business plan. And that doesn't have to be literal it can be an example of what to expect like you are being prepared to do this thing where you will have responsibility and it will take planning and organization and imagination. And then you also have to get real. As in like not just about just being authentic here but like it feels more like get real. Like be practical, see the bigger picture, like what needs to be done to start this business. Like what are the legal things that you need to go through, how do you figure out what inventory you're going to have. The universe is definitely asking you to put your big boy pants on

And I think that message is coming because generally you might be somebody or you've gone through something that's distracting you. But the universe seems to think that you are in a very unfocused and distracted energy so it's like hey button down okay it's time to like get it together and figure out what you're going to do and like realize that if you keep going in this direction then this thing probably isn't going to happen. Like a goal or something. So you really need to like strap in here. Because honestly I feel like the manifest, Earth, adventure cards are like all of these distractions. Sort of like all these shiny things that are keeping you off task. Like oh well I would do that but you know I want to travel or oh I would do that but like I want to go to this fun party or oh I would do that but like I want to do a lot of different things so I don't know where to start.

And that might be where the seven of wands and nine of wands are kind of coming in. Because the seven of wands can kind of make you feel like you are backed into a corner or you have to defend an idea about something and nine of wands is also that kind of like having gone through the ringer or like needing to defend something as well so there's a lot of defensive type of energy or potentially some blockages. But I personally think the blockages are the things that are distracting you. For some of you that could just be that you are a lazy or easily distracted. For some of you it's just been like non-stop events or like bad luck.

Even so I do think it would be a good time for you to travel. To be able to experience new and different things so that you can gain perspective about how things could work or how things are different from what you're doing or even just to clear your head. But like you can't spend the entire year traveling. But I do definitely think that doing interesting and intellectually stimulating things for you will give you perspective and maybe help you kind of like see that bigger picture. Some people like when they get bogged down with life might go stay by the ocean or like go take a trip to New York or something. And that allows them to kind of put space between the things that are muddling them down at home. So I think the universe is saying that is an option for how to kind of clear your head so you can start thinking about other things that you want to do or need to do

You know what's interesting is the second pile was a lot about those people who picked that pile were extremely focused so if you could befriend people who chose pile two they could probably help you with your goals. Maybe some advice would be like to write down lists of goals and the steps it would take to get there. If you have issues with time management which would not surprise me here like I don't think a lot of you would be very strong project managers or if you are it's just like become so much that you are sort of overwhelmed and you can't coordinate your personal life.

So I really think you know forcing yourself to think about goals and writing them down step by step or doing things we're like okay what do I want. Even if that changes each day, maybe writing down in a journal what do you want to achieve today, what do you want to achieve this week, what do you want to achieve this month and then take it even further like okay what do I want to achieve in a year or even 5 years from now. I think something like that will really help you to picture what it will take to get there and to really have a concrete idea of what the hell you're doing.

Like maybe you think I don't know I don't know what I want to do so I'm just going to do a lot of everything. Which is fine because that's gathering information to figure out what you like or you don't like. So maybe you're in that kind of stage but I'm still feeling like okay you can play around for so long but then what are you going to do. And it might even be that you have pressure from family or friends that are like okay you did all this stuff now like what are you going to do. Almost like as if you are at this stage where maybe you're like in your early twenties or late teens or something and you have kind of been living this life as a kid still and now people are like okay you're getting older so you need to be able to handle responsibility and you're going to start being treated like an adult so you can't just faff around all the time

I mean looking at your sticker even it makes me think like the fox is sort of distracted by this pretty little flower and it's nice to have little joys in life but eventually the fox has to like prepare for the winner and find a den or like find a mate or do something. Like you don't really have to grow up and there's no natural way of becoming an adult or being an adult because no matter how old you get you're not going to feel like the age that you are. But you do need to kind of think if you are taxing other people and relying on other people instead of taking responsibility for yourself and what you need to do then the universe does want you to grow up a little. Like at some point you do need to become responsible and mature so I think the universe is saying something like okay you're ready to push forward and move on to the next step. No more just having fun. You do actually have to like find a purpose and have a plan.

Again I'm seeing a lot of travel or journeys. Maybe more slow than with other people because a lot of these images show a solo person or animal. So like with all the piles there's going to be some solo reflection. And yeah I basically think you are the group that is going to learn most through travel or like experiencing new things. It's definitely Sagittarius energy that's coming through the most. I can understand the Aquarius and Capricorn as well. Because Capricorn is kind of like that good organization and like practical skills that you could use in school or at a job.

There's this idea of learning more and having like a higher perspective of things that comes through this Sagittarius energy and then with the Aquarius it's a bit of that traveling down your own path I guess. Figuring out your specific identity which may be to do that you need to go through different experiences. It might also be a message to if you are a person who constantly needs to rely on other people or has codependency issues to experience more things just by yourself. Like maybe when you go out to dinner you'll only go out to dinner if friends are going and only go to see a movie if friends are going and like the idea of doing things on your own is scary. Well if you constantly rely on other people then you can't really figure out things about yourself because you haven't ever like been challenged to be on your own.

So yeah I think opportunities to have more Independence and be more self-reliant and make your own voices and do your own things is going to be what happens for the first 6 months of the year. Backpacking somewhere would be good hiking would be good, especially being close to nature makes sense for you. So if this is like going surfing or visiting destinations that are more focused on the geography or look of the place.

Because I do think nature and landscapes are the things that are going to have the biggest impact on you and how to kind of stimulate that thought process you need to become more independent and mature. It's almost like you're fighting growing up or being responsible or feeling like you have to get a job and do these things. Again I'm just feeling like it's somebody who just thinks they can play around for forever. Or even if not that just a sense of getting more organized. It doesn't really mean becoming more boring or anything. It just means there's something that you are purposely distracting yourself or are naturally distracted but it still feels like a defense mechanism. Like you don't want to look at yourself and you don't want to be serious and you don't want to do these things but it's coming from a place that seems to be like fear of change

people might consider you a bit naive maybe or sheltered. I get that from the white figures that keep coming up it makes me think of somebody like computer and innocent and youthful and a little immature. So I just think there's a lot you have to learn about yourself. And you're going to do that by doing more things by yourself. I think there will be a lot of figurative and literal exploring that happens. And again I feel like strongly will benefit from being in nature. Taking a walk through the woods. Like in a safe way. Taking hikes. Doing spiritual practices related to nature., as in like using things from the earth if you like to do any kind of witchcrafty like things. Like using sand, using leaves, using flowers.

You might have particular experiences around Aquarius time, Sagittarius, or Capricorn which is almost a year from now. I wasn't going to go that far. But like the previous pile there could be some type of cycle where something will begin in Aquarius and the cycle will last until next January. That could be like something happens at the end of February and you decide that you want to plan a trip for next December. Or maybe you graduate next winter so you still feel like you can kind of be young and a kid and then you don't have to get serious until you graduate but really you should probably be preparing to grow up even before then. Or maybe that's just something you're grappling with now is I do want to just enjoy this time until I have to get serious so I can still dick around a little bit. Which is fine. I'm not telling you either one way or the other if it makes sense to have fun and it's not burdening anybody. You know like when you lose track of time and you have a roommate but you don't pay rent on time and then they get in trouble for it. Or you stop turning in assignments or you aren't returning calls.

There's kind of like a flaky type of energy that's existing here as well. So that's something I kind of see. Like a very spacey, distracted, unfocused person. And not in a cute way. Like maybe you think it's cute but I think other people in life find it frustrating or immature. So I do think there's some growing up that will happen in the next 6 months or at least that's what the universe wants to happen. Whether you do end up focusing I'm not really sure. But as long as you travel and experience new things at least you'll be doing something. Red and orange kind of seem like significant colors for me in this this pile. That's like your root and sacral. So you might listen to those type of sounds on YouTube. You might wear those colors. That's kind of on par with the idea of being responsible and being more grounded and practical and potentially even taking the time to explore things so you can figure what you're passionate about. Because that sacral energy is usually about passion and creativity. So I think maybe you need to be inspired. Maybe you get bored easily and that's where it's coming across as unfocused and kind of flaky. Like you need to have people entertain you but it's like you know sometimes you have to be the source of your own inspiration. You can't be reliant on other people or other situations to entertain you forever.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. There's nothing wrong with having fun. But I do think there are people who take advantage of it especially when they are young and then it kind of laffects other people in your life because they're ready to get serious and you're really not and you don't get why other people are so serious. And I mean you aren't obligated to keep people around who can't handle you as you are now. Like if they think you were flaky or inattention seeker or like lazy or something then maybe they're just wound a little bit too tight and you aren't compatible. Everybody explores things at a difference scale and on a different timeline and not everybody knows who they are or what they want to do right away. Some people know from a young age and some people have to figure it out throughout their life and I think you guys are the latter.

So if you do want to be more focused I would suggest grounding activities and grounding spiritual practices that will help you focus more. Doing those other activities that are like making lists. So that you don't forget about things. If you need to get groceries write it down. If you have important dates use Google calendar and different practical ways of reminding you. I would also suggest like the previous pile maybe putting a limit on your social media scrolling because maybe you get bored and you scroll for hours at a time and then you have wasted a lot of time and you didn't do your assignment and now you have to go to class and you have to ask someone if you can copy and that's a burden on them because they did the work. Or your teacher is like okay so for the fourth time you haven't brought in your work. Like do you see where it's not okay all the time to be freestyling life completely. Like if you do it on your own and it's no bother then that's life man. But yeah

Other advice could be you know a rabbit or cats or a fox could be your spiritual animal or totem or an animal that you kind of relate to. Foxes are very clever and bunnies are very quick so you might actually be very witty or funny people. You might have the potential to write really well. Some of you might actually be kind of athletic or have an athletic ability or used to when you were younger. Like you used to run track but you don't really do it anymore. Or maybe you're the type of people who will start a lot of activities because they interest you at first and then you get kind of bored so it's hard for you to stay with one thing for a long period of time. You might have recently or will in the next few months or later on have small Petty arguments with people around you. Again this could be about your laziness like if you live with somebody you don't pick up after yourself, you don't do the dishes, you don't take out the trash and the people you live with will be like how come we always have to do this and you don't ever do it or your parents are like how come you always sleep until noon and stay up until 4:00 a.m. looking at your phone. You might notice more people doing that and that might be the universe's way of being like are you getting the hint now.

And also you know if you had ideas for big changes even if they feel impulsive the perfect timing card does suggest that that's fine. If you have an impulsive trip planned, that also is fine. Anything that will help you discover something about yourself and embolden and give you confidence and teach you about responsibility, I think those are good lessons for you to learn for the next 6 months or so. The moon also seems prominent in these cards. So I think you are also a group that relies a lot on intuition. You might be able to read people really well. You might have a lot of emotional experiences or deep emotions or deep feelings about certain specific topics. I do feel like you follow things that call to you.

So maybe there's not always a lot of things like a lot of thoughts happening in the skull sometimes and you're just like well I'm just going to do whatever I feel like doing. Not to say that you're self-absorbed or selfish or anything I just think that Sagittarius energy is coming through. Like you just do whatever you want because you just like feel called to do that thing at that particular moment. Which I can see where that would frustrate people in your life. I'm not saying that's valid that they are frustrated but I'm seeing it in a way that I get what they are frustrated about. But you also can't surround yourself with people who are constantly going to make you feel like you aren't enough or that you're always wrong in what you're doing. People have different ways of doing things. And that's okay like if that person is super rigid then maybe they need to be around other people like themselves. And maybe you need to surround yourself with people who are a bit more open-minded and creative and understanding and empathetic.

That will have patience with you. So if you have a lot of people who seem impatient or like hot tempered. Although you yourself may be hot tempered as well but maybe that's a message because it keeps coming to me is that you need to start thinking about your circle and Fu have the healthiest people around you. Like I almost feel like maybe you usually surround yourself with people who are a little shallow. Like really concerned with the latest fad or what influencers have to say and because you are too lazy to find enough for friend group or you just have been attached because you've known them for so long it's like well it's too much work to actually find better friends. But like why do you want to be friends with somebody who's always saying mean things to you. Like why did you get that tattoo it's so weird or why did you get that piercing it's so weird or why did you dye your hair that crazy color like come on or why are you wearing that that's like so 2 years ago.

Or you might have people who do make you feel bad about not knowing what you want to do or not being serious. And that's not really okay. Now if it's your parents and it's coming from a place of concern as long as it's not completely toxic then okay. And if you are being a slob and you have roommates then yeah you need to work on that and they have valid points. But nobody should be demeaning you to the point that they are making you feel bad about yourself and causing even more delay and confusion about who you are and what you want to do. So I don't feel like you should become complacent in this energy of like it's fine to not do anything because people don't expect anything. Or it's fine to have this friend group because like yeah they're mean sometimes but like we have fun when we go out. Like you don't have to put up with that. You could probably make friends easily and if you just apply boundaries with relationships like that then those people will kind of fall away and other people will come in that are much better for you.

Very specific message but some of you would be really good at comedy writing. Whether this is fiction or non-fiction or literal sketch comedy type stuff I think a lot of you would be really good at that. I just feel really strongly that a lot of you could be good writers. And that you're funny. Like maybe even a little quirky. Some of you might have an interesting clothing style. Like specifically like to shop at vintage stores or consignment stores. Some of you might be a bit on the alternative side in terms of your style. But anyway I think you get the general idea so yeah you should grow up a little bit but at your own timing and however you want to do it and not how somebody else tells you to do it because that's the way society is. Like you'll have your own timing as long as you're mindful of other people. And remembering that you don't have to settle. That it's okay to do things on your own. That doing things on your own doesn't have to be scary and growing up doesn't have to be scary and learning things about yourself and the world doesn't have to be completely scary or intimidating. Also my final suggestion is to read more.

Like not fanfiction but like think about reading books and listening to podcasts and finding a bunch of different mediums to learn as much as you possibly want to learn. If you want to watch YouTube videos. Maybe that's why you're staying up so late though but like I feel a thirst for knowledge. But also laziness like not reading physical books I think that would be really good for you though. Or if you can't even do that if you're a person who runs or travels in the car a lot to listen to audiobooks. I guess I think maybe those activities will ground you as well and calm me down a little bit. So especially if you do go on a walk through the woods why not also listen to a podcast. Or maybe you should just do one at a time maybe that's too overstimulating for you guys. And maybe that's what you do already and I should actually be telling you to unplug from that stuff and just enjoy the sounds of nature. But it doesn't really matter because I don't think you'll listen to what I have to say anyway LOL. Because there is a bit of stubborn energy here okay well hopefully that helps bye!

[motheyes]

man. i’m so fucking torn up

[whatbigotspost]

Every time I hear someone much older than me talking about how their shame about their bodies and weight have robbed them of all kinds of fun experiences and simple joys and delights in life, it breaks my fucking heart. Older women, in particular, have been shamed into and forced into (and perpetuated themselves) so many stupid narratives about what one "can't do" if you look a certain way. Sometimes they don't even notice it...they'll just casually be saying something like, "I would have loved to play volleyball back in school but this big ass wasn't going to look right in those shorts tee hee" and I'm like that's??? actually??? tragic???????? Especially when it's something they COULD still pursue or try but they've got a fixed mindset about it.

My 84 year old aunt really spent all of her 30s-60s believing that she COULDN'T just put on a swimsuit and enjoy the water in the summer. I have so many memories of this mindset affecting her all summer. Just casually existing by a pool in a swimsuit was something that women who looked like her Could Not Do. This is someone who broke so many gender barriers in her field, who was a pioneer and a bad ass, but who held herself back from something she truly enjoyed for DECADES because she's fat. A couple of years ago she told me how stupid she feels having thought like that now that her age has changed her mobility and safety in going to a pool and it's no longer literally possible for her to do so.

She bought the bullshit and deprived herself of happiness when it was possible, so she lost her chance at hundreds of moments of simple enjoyment she now looks back on sadly.

Really sadly.

I think this is a topic where we can literally see a huge generational change among society right now. The bitchy boomer who says something like, "oh she should NOT be wearing that" when a happy, chunky Gen Zer bops by in a crop top sounds like the death rattles of an ancient relic to most of us in younger generations. After we get over the overt hate that surges when we hear things like that, most of us can see right through that prickly exterior into the deeply damaged, sad, and vulnerable person inside who is the one that's the real problem in the equation.

And yet, while it can be easy to think, "Thank god I'm not like THAT" none of us are truly immune to the messages that are blasted in our faces all the time that still shame fatness and make us feel like we owe society a certain kind of "beauty."

Just keep an eye out for any limiting beliefs you have that are depriving you from joy and delight you want and need. As anyone like my aunt could tell you, you won't someday look back and think, "I sure am glad I didn't do what made me happy all those years!"

[writingquestionsanswered]

Not to be a downer, but I actually finished my novel and now I’m confused because I don’t want to publish it. I don’t even particularly want anyone other than maybe my two close friends to even read it. What on Earth did I write 40k words (which I know is not really long enough for a novel, but it’s still far and away the longest thing I’ve ever written) for? I know people say “write for yourself” but like… am I just wasting my time? Help?

(p.s. you can leave this off anon)

(p.p.s your blog is really great 👍)

There's No Such Thing as Wasted Writing

I'm going to tackle this two ways...

#1 - "Write For Yourself" - there's a reason this common phrase has echoed through the Hall of Writers since time immemorial. It's because it's true! Writing doesn't have to be anything more than a pastime. It doesn't have to be anything more than something you do for your own benefit and enjoyment.

I have an in-joke with family members about how any time one of us does something the least bit crafty, DIY, skilled, whatever, a particular family member will always say, "You did a great job! You should do it for a living!" Like, someone can't even crochet a Kawaii mushroom without being pressured to turn it into an Etsy dynasty, or paint a cabinet without being pressured to become the next Property Brothers. And that's such a BANANAS capitalistic mindset, isn't it? This idea that nothing can be done purely for our own enjoyment. That you can't just write a novel because you want to... you can only write it if you plan to share it or publish it? It's just so silly.

And, the thing is, we don't even apply that mentality to a lot of other things people do purely for enjoyment. No one is streaming all of Bridgerton in two nights and saying, "I enjoyed every second of that, but why did I do that? Such a waste of time!" No one spends an hour strumming their guitar under the stars on a beach, and then says, "That was so relaxing and fun, but I didn't charge for that performance and I didn't record it to sell it, so that was obviously a waste of time."

You know what I mean?

#2 - And Anyway, Practice Makes Perfect - And if you keep writing--even if you continue not to share or publish--you'll get better and better with each story you write. Which, maybe all that means is you get to appreciate your own improvement, but also, should you ever change your mind and decide to write something to share or publish, you've now spent time honing your skills. Even if those other stories never see the light of day, they're still an important foundation of the writer you become. Do you know how many unpublished novellas, novels, and short stories I have? Too many to count. Hundreds of fan-fiction and original fiction short stories I've only shared with one or two other people, if anyone. A dozen or so novels and novellas that have only been read by a few people, and some haven't been read by anyone else or have only been read by my CPs. I would never consider those stories and novels and novellas to be a waste of time, because I know every single one made me a better writer. My published work is better because I wrote those other things.

So, I hope that makes you feel better. At the very least you hopefully enjoyed writing your novel--or at least got something out of it--and you definitely honed your writing skills, which matters! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

♦ Questions that violate my ask policies will be deleted! ♦ Please see my master list of top posts before asking ♦ Learn more about WQA here

[citrus-moonlight]

As I often do, I've seen a few posts going around lately lamenting the lack of interaction with fanfiction/fanart here on Tumblr as well as AO3, but after reading a particular comment last night I just need to say this:

If someone tells you that the lack of response to sharing their writing is making them feel so upset that they're thinking of quitting writing altogether, don't tell them that's not a good mindset to have and they should just have fun with it and write for themselves. (have you just tried not being sad? you'll feel so much better!)

Even if you're a writer who felt that way once upon a time but then you changed your mindset so that you don't rely on others' feedback for validation and now you're so much happier, that's not helpful. Because that's obviously not what the person who is feeling sad and defeated is able to do right now, and for most writers/creators that's never going to be possible.

And it shouldn't have to be.

Especially here. Especially fanfiction.

Fanfiction is something that's created because someone loves something and wants to share it with others who love the same thing. And this is specifically a fandom space, somewhere that is supposed to be a community where discussion and dialogue can and is encouraged to happen between the people who write and the people who read. So when there's radio silence when you share something in this kind of space, do you really not see how that would be discouraging?

Because of course I write for myself - I would never get anything down on the page if I didn't - but I share because ultimately I want someone else out there to read what I wrote, and with any luck, to get some joy out of it. But if no one tells me they did, how am I supposed to know? As far as I know I've just been yelling into the void. As far as I know, all that work wasn't worth it.

A metaphor I've seen as an example is that it would be like having someone invite you over and cooking an entire delicious, heartfelt meal, you eat it all without saying anything, and then just leave. Do you not see how that would be upsetting?

We put so much of ourselves into what we write, bits of our hearts and souls and the things that we love and are exploring and are interested in or confused about. It's such a vulnerable thing to share something you've created, so when you tell someone that they shouldn't care if someone else reads what they wrote or tells them that they liked it, you're dismissing a very real and valid experience for so many creators out there.

Because regardless of how slow or fast a writer is, or how big or small their fandom is, it's still hard and takes time and energy and dedication and love - all of it in between our day to day lives from the mundanities to the heartbreaks - to even get something to the point where we're comfortable sharing.

Now, I know that not everyone thinks that writers are silly or selfish or entitled when they ask for feedback. Before I started writing again after many, many years, the main reason I didn't really comment on fics very often wasn't because I didn't think that the authors deserved feedback, it was more that I didn't really think that it would matter. That my comments would just be noted - if read at all - and brushed aside and then they would continue on about their day.

I could not have possible been more wrong. You might think you're just one person and it's just one comment but it's amazing how it can turn a day (or week, or month) around. How it can encourage someone to finish a story, or make a connection they'd been struggling with, or even just manage to add 500 words to a WIP. It is truly incredible to hear that someone loved something I wrote, and if you've ever commented on or reblogged one of my fics, please know that it truly means the world to me.

I've gone through a rough time with all of this lately myself, but I'm doing a bit better now (for the moment), so I just wanted to say this, in part to remind myself when it inevitably gets hard again:

If you're reading this, whether you're a friend or you've never seen me on your dash and never will again: I'm sorry it hurts right now. I'm sorry you feel discouraged and lonely, that it doesn't feel like it's worth it anymore, that you're struggling to find a reason to continue.

But I desperately hope that you keep writing. I hope you keep sharing. You're worth it. I know it's hard, and if you don't want to and you're just tired of the cycle of giving so much of yourself and getting so little in return, I understand that, too. It's ok to be in your feelings about it, it's ok to feel drained by it, and even though knowing you're not alone in your experience doesn't change anything and it still sucks, it's normal and valid and there's nothing wrong with you feeling the way that you do.

But I hope that you are able to find the joy in it again, because you deserve it. ❤️

[ramshacklefey]

Something I've been trying to articulate to myself for a while here, but I wish there were more discussion about the particular experiences of trans men who are attracted to men. Especially the way that it relates to our experiences before coming out and during transition.

A lot of the conversations I see online and in academia focus on the experiences and overlap between trans men and butch lesbians, which is just not a narrative that resonates with me. There has been no point in my life at which I identified as a lesbian, or even as particularly attracted to women in general (something something sexuality is complicated). And it is only recently that I've really been able to let myself jive with being a butch man.

So, what did that experience look like for me?

It looked like trying desperately to perform the right kind of femininity so that straight guys would be attracted to me. Admittedly, it was a "not like other girls" sort of femininity, but I suspect a lot of trans guys and straight women will understand me when I say that this particular kind of femininity is still... very constricting. You gotta be "tough" of course, and have the right sorts of interests, and not care too much about your looks, but at the end of the day still be pretty, not too loud, and pretty willing to give ground for straight men to feel cool. You absolutely cannot be butch, because butch is for lesbians, and you want to be attractive to men.

And then I came out, and now I was a man, so I was free of all of that, right? Right?

Well, turns out there's a whole lot to unpack and unlearn there, and doing that takes a long time. For the first several years of my transition, I was still stuck in this mindset of needing to adhere to all the same constraints I had been under before. The guy I was dating at the time didn't help with this, and I almost said that's another story, but it isn't. The fact that I was willing to keep dating a guy who wanted me to stay pretty and feminine, who told me that body hair was gross, and who in a thousand other little ways made it very clear that I would only stay lovable if I stayed feminine... the fact that I was ok with that, it says a lot about where my mind was at.

I'm sure that a lot of lesbians can relate to some of this, and yet. Becoming who I am, genuinely relaxing into myself and unfolding in the way that I needed to, that process was undeniably and indelibly marked by my experiences as someone who has always been attracted to and wanted to attract men.

[etherfabric]

How the Universe provides for you + Songs

Choose a pile by which picture you resonate with the most.

If your mind is too busy to clearly decide, take a few deep breaths, and use the finger of your non-dominant hand to hover over the images. One will give off the most subtle yet prominent signals, like tingles, a magnetic pull, or temperature. This is your pile. Multiples are also possible.

You are the ultimate authority over your life. I merely provide my perspective. Sometimes the Universe lines you up with something that doesn't resonate with your truth, so you have contrast to find out what does. Never give away your power.

Pile 1

Strength, 3 of Pentacles

You have loyal allies in your challenges. A lot of unforeseen inconveniences you can't seem to avoid are in your energy, but this time, you feel the support - be it physical incarnations of kindred spirits, or those from the other realm connected to you. Yes, your heart is pounding and your knees are shaking, and these instances definitely aren't what you would've put on your wish list in a million years - but you surprise yourself with your bravery amidst it all. You thrive in collaboration with likeminded people, even in the face of your antagonists. The Universe is sending you storms so you can see how well you build your structure, and feel like the badass boundary expert your past self dreamed they could be.

This was a test, and you passed with flying colors. All your hard inner work is tangibly paying off, and you feel elated and proud - rightfully so.

Pile 2

Queen of Pentacles, The Fool

You finally stopped caring so much. You figured out where (or with whom) you lose the energy you so desperately missed all this time, and despite the struggles of letting go, you are now light as a feather. But in contrast to the past, where you were simply too scared to attach fully, so what else is there to do but float... you can now fall back on and draw from the deep roots you grew in fertile ground. Nourishment tailored to your needs is in constant supply, and plenty of opportunities to extend that generosity onto are emerging on the horizon. But this time, you know what to look for to have it reciprocated.

There might be people you still deem generally lovable you had to leave behind, and trust that hearing their criticism or seeing the effect of your absence on them will never truly stop hurting - but you know your worth and needs better than ever, and are determined to ultimately look ahead to the promising future. The Universe provides for all, and not just through you.

Pile 3

7 of Wands, 7 of Pentacles

The Universe is fueling your fierce protector side. You respect your own time more than ever, and see the value of patience with yourself. Your vulnerability is no longer a source of shame, it has become your most precious inspiration. Outside disturbances can't faze you out of your serenity with your true self. You worked hard for where you are, and you are not letting anyone counterproductive get close to it. Take the various toxic coping mechanisms projected onto you as the compliments that they are - you trusted in your balance, followed what felt right, and are reaping the rewards, while others still cling to the very same mindset that starts itching once you are around.

You understand the delicate relationship between healthy aggression and egotistical overkill, and are a role model for those wanting to follow you. The blessings you have already received are shining brighter than ever, and it's only the beginning. Isn't it so worth it being seen as the bad guy? Your people love you for what you are doing for them. No one can take this away from you, because you know how to keep it - becoming more authentic every chance you get.

Pile 4

2 of Swords, The Hermit

I can imagine you clicking on this particular reading with a kind of scoff. "Oh yeah? Providing for me? I see fuck all." Dare I recommend to expand your understanding in which ways one can receive...? I see you clinging onto promises you kind of already know aren't very, well, promising. But for some reason you only want it that way, almost to try to prove a point no one even challenged you on. Your idea of what you need and what you want have no space for differences inbetween. This might not sound pretty or comforting - I feel awfully confrontational saying this to you actually, and my Cancer Mars is shaking like a leaf - but I see the Universe providing you with an ultimatum.

Drop the rope if you truly want happiness (and not just validation for how great all of your ideas are), or be stuck in the frustration eating away at you. Look at what you already have. Yes, it's not the ultimate dream, but you have to first step inside of you to be able to receive. Because inside of you is where you will feel the love that's on its way to you - not craning your neck out as far as you can, desperate for a crumb to roll by.

[kinardsevan]

so i'm one of those who is really of the mindset rn that this fling needs to be with Josh, and living in that mindset, I wrote this:

Evan glances up across the coffee house with a smile on his face, laughing at Josh’s comment on the petulance of some first responders. 

The relationship that has developed between the two of them recently is interesting, to say the least. He never really saw his sister’s coworker as someone he’d know any deeper than as an acquaintance, but after Maddie was kidnapped by that serial killer, Josh had somehow found a place in his life. 

Initially, it was because of they were in such close quarters while Maddie was missing. Josh could tell he was still going through it after Tommy, and then there was the issue of Eddie leaving also weighing on him. Maddie getting taken was the cherry on top that had nearly broken him, and somehow the other man being there as a shoulder in the midst of it all had been more meaningful than Evan could express. So a few late night coffees after Maddie had been found turned into a hookup, and then one hookup turned into two, and suddenly it had been a few weeks.

Granted, they were both clear on what was happening between them. At best, they were friends now with some really stellar benefits. He really liked Josh, could maybe see something else growing between them if his heart wasn’t still basically smashed potatoes all over the ground. Plus, being around the other man had given Evan the clarity of the fact that his attraction to men wasn’t solely tied to Tommy. If anything, it was simply that the intensity of his attraction to Tommy is what had finally shoved his bisexuality out of the dark and into the open. Hanging out with Josh, hooking up with him from time to time, helped him understand better that pursuing a relationship with another man wasn’t all that different than trying to pursue one with a woman. 

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Josh laughs, bumping into Evan’s shoulder as the blonde picks up his coffee and danish from the order counter. 

“I’m not disagreeing,” Evan states, lifting a hand in surrender. Josh grabs his things after Evan, and they head towards an open table. Evan has his danish shoved between his teeth and he makes a face with it. 

“Oh that’s priceless,” Josh states, pulling his phone from his pocket. “I need to send a picture to your sister.” 

Evan rolls his eyes, but he turns towards the other man, still walking backward towards the table as he makes the face again while Josh snaps a few photos. He’s still moving when he stumbles into someone, suddenly stepping forward and whipping around, letting the danish fall into his hand as he stammers that he’s so sorry and looking up-

right into those blue eyes. 

Evan gulps as the amusement on his face sinks away. All at once, he feels his heart hammering in his chest as though it’s trying to take flight out of his body and physically attach itself to the other man. 

“I’m so-…E- Buck.” 

It feels like someone’s twisting a fist around his stomach, hearing Tommy say his nickname. There’s no particular intonation. It’s just the fact that he’s called him that at all. It hurts just as much as it did the first time. 

Right at that moment, Josh decides to make his presence known, and he steps forward, shoving a hand out and giving a warm smile to Tommy. 

“Josh Russo,” he states. Tommy blinks a few times before he realizes what’s happening and he shakes Josh’s hand. 

“Tommy,” he answers, his voice soft. There’s the flash of something in his eyes as he glances at Evan, but he releases Josh’s hand a moment later and rubs his own over the leg of his jeans. Evan can’t help but glance over at Josh, who smirks at the gesture. 

“We were just getting coffee,” Evan says, and he doesn’t know if he’s trying to make an excuse, or if he thinks Tommy would even care. Either way, Tommy only smiles in response, a small one at that, and nods. 

“That’s- that’s good,” he replies. He moves to step around them toward the counter. “I have to grab mine, actually.” 

Evan turns toward him, mouth open like he wants to say something, but the words don’t come, and he turns back around. 

“Should we sit,” Josh asks after a moment. Evan doesn’t so much respond as he just finishes crossing the cafe to the table they’d been headed towards, and they sit down. 

He doesn’t know what to say, and in that moment, he’s silently thanking God that Josh keeps talking about his entire point he’d been on before their disruption, because Evan isn’t sure he could focus if he tried. As much as he knows its rude, he can’t stop himself from glancing back up in Tommy’s direction, taking him in. It feels like torture and like coming home all at the same time. Seeing him again calms something inside of him, if for no other reason than being able to know that he’s still alive and apparently safe. At the same time, he’s astutely aware of the darkness under Tommy’s eyes, the way his cheeks are more sallow than the last time they saw each other. He doesn’t know the story there, but he wants to. 

He watches with intermittent gazes, glancing over and then away quickly whenever Tommy seems to be looking in his direction. Still, the entire period is over far too quickly, and then his ex-boyfriend is crossing back through the coffee house quickly, walking out with his coffee order. 

“You should go after him.” 

Evan snaps out of his reverie as the door slides shut and glances back at Josh, shaking his head. 

“Huh? W-what?” 

Josh nods, a friendly smile on his face. “I mean it. You should go after him.” 

Evan furrows his brow at Josh. “He broke up with me.” 

Josh lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head at Evan. “So, when I asked all those weeks ago, did you ever actually tell him you’re in love with him?” 

Evan’s jaw goes slack at the question, unsure of what he means. “In love…?” 

“Oh my god, okay,” Josh replies, still chuckling. It’s almost off-putting to Evan. “I recognize the look, Buck. From every time I had to listen to your sister talk about how much she missed her husband when they were split up before Jee-Yun. And newsflash?” He points out the window in the general direction of where Tommy headed off in. “He’s got the same look, and it’s like everyone knows it but the two of you.” 

Evan gulps, considering Josh’s words. For all the things he’d thought about in the time after the conversation at the dispatch center, after deciding to ask Tommy to move in with him, and after the breakup, he’d never rethought the whole “in love with him” question. Still, if he has to quantify the feeling inside of him, make comparative notes to other times he’s known himself to be in love, the only person who even comes close to comparing—and even then it’s a long shot—is Abby. And as he pieces that together in his head, it’s almost too much to bear.

He loves Tommy. He’s in love with Tommy.

Josh nods as he watches the realization cross Evan’s face. 

“Like I said. You should go after him.” 

Evan pushes up from the table suddenly, only to stop halfway up, feeling bad about the sitaution. 

“Listen, I didn’t-..” 

Josh laughs again. “Oh, sweet, sweet, baby Buckley. I have known what this was from day one. I was just wondering how long it was going to take the two of you to pull your heads out of your asses.” 

Evan snorts at the comment, rolls his eyes again but still gives Josh a smile. 

“Besides,” Josh adds. “We can still be friends. I have to imagine the beefy one has gay friends he can introduce me to.” 

Evan laughs. “I’ll see what I can do about that for you.” 

“You better,” Josh replies, lifting his coffee to his lips. “Now go get your man.” 

Evan doesn’t wait a moment longer. He rushes out so fast that he leaves his coffee and bitten-into danish sitting on the table. On the street, he whips his head back and forth, and it takes him a moment to spot Tommy as he starts to round the corner onto the next street. 

Evan bolts after him, crossing the distance between them swiftly on his long legs. Still, when he reaches Tommy a minute later, he’s only a few feet from his truck. His coffee sloshes as Evan turns him around, and when Tommy’s eyes meet his, he has that same sad look in them. 

“Buck, what?” 

“First of all, don’t ever call me that again,” Evan states quickly, a bit breathless. “And second of all…” He settles flat on his feet, looking back and forth between Tommy’s eyes for a moment. Something in him keeps thinking back on Tommy’s obsession with romantic comedies, and the fact that there’s nothing quite more ‘romantic comedy’ than stopping someone on the street and just kissing them. 

So he does. He steps into Tommy’s space and wraps a hand around his head and pulls him in, kissing him with enough passion and determination that if he could shoot actual sparks, they’d both be on fire. For a moment, Tommy doesn’t respond, and Evan isn’t sure if it’s because of the surprise of it all or because he doesn’t feel the same way, but after a moment, he feels Tommy melt, and open his mouth to Evan’s request for access, kissing him back fully. 

Who knows how long the kiss goes on for. All Evan knows is that when he finally breaks away from Tommy, he’s breathless, and so. Fucking. Happy. He presses his forehead against Tommy’s, stroking his thumb down the back of his head. 

“I love you,” he states softly. “I’m in love with you. Maybe it doesn’t matter, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I love you, and I’m going to keep loving you, no matter what you think I need to do to sew some wild oats.” 

“Evan,” Tommy murmurs back. His expression is still pained, and Evan can see the conflict in his eyes. 

“You, Tommy,” he counters. “You. Not someone else, not a different option, or a different life. You. Only you.” 

“You could-..” 

“I could do a lot of things,” Evan states. “I could die on my way home today. I could have an aneurysm tomorrow. I could live sixty more years, all without you because you’re too afraid to give in. I know who I am and what I want, and I know I’m not going to find it anywhere else because the way I feel about you? No one else has ever come close.” 

Tommy stares at him with those sad, expressive eyes, and the want in his expression is so clear that it makes Evan hurt for him. He watches as Tommy’s adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. He’s quiet for another moment before taking a breath. 

“I’ve been back in therapy,” he says softly. “Trying to work through it all. I thought you were moving on-..” 

“I’m so close to not moving on that I can still see the starting line in front of me,” Evan tells him. He lets out a soft huff. “Josh- he- there was a thing. With Maddie. He was there through that, a-and he’s queer, so he’s been a good friend recently.” 

Tommy stares at him skeptically for a moment, as though he’s questioning what all of that means. Except, there’s also the part where he told Evan that he was still figuring himself out and basically needed to see other people, and from that standpoint, there’s not a lot he can do or say, especially when the man is standing in front of him telling him that even after spending time with another man, nothing has changed for him. 

“I don’t want you to feel like-..” 

“I don’t,” Evan cuts him off, gesturing between them. “I’m clear on this. On you. And I think if I was going to change my mind, that would’ve happened by now. The problem is that I kinda can’t stop being in love with you.” 

He watches Tommy gulp, sees him nod. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he rests his forehead against Evan’s. 

“I kind-of can’t stop being in love with you, either,” he replies softly. “Much as I’ve tried.” 

Evan lets out a small laugh and then leans into him, kissing him once more. 

Tommy’s arms are tight around his back this time, keeping him close as he sighs into Evan’s mouth. There’s so much to say, so much to work through from the past few months, so much to be considered in the midst of it all. But love hadn’t been a factor in the breakup, and with it on the table, it’s not something either one of them can turn away from. 

When they break apart again, Evan laughs again, and Tommy laughs with him. They remain close for a moment before Evan finally realizes the back of his sweatshirt is wet. He turns his head and glances at it, spots the coffee stain quickly. 

“Shit, sorry,” Tommy says, turning toward his truck and then back towards Evan. “I uh, I have-…” He blushes. “I have one of your hoodies in my duffel, if you want to change.” 

“That would be nice actually,” Evan responds, a smirk on his own face. Tommy nods and they cross the few feet over to his truck. He opens the back seat and pulls his duffel bag up, retrieving the blue hoodie and offering it to Evan. Evan tugs the wet one over his head, revealing a navy t-shirt that’s sinfully too tight. He swaps pieces of clothing with Tommy, who rests the wet one in his backseat before turning back to Evan. Evan’s smile is wider as his head comes through top of his hoodie. 

“Smells like you,” he states. Tommy’s own smile falters a little. 

“Yeah, I know,” he responds wistfully. Evan steps forward as he tucks his a hand into the pouch of the hoodie, uses the other to curl his finger around Tommy’s chin and pull him into another quick kiss. 

“I can solve that for you, if you’d like,” he states. Tommy is quiet for a moment and Evan is smiling at him again. “You free?” 

Tommy rolls his eyes, unable to stop the smile on his own face. “Yes, I’m free.” 

Evan nods, gesturing back towards the coffee house. “It’s a little early for a beer. Coffee?” 

Tommy glances down at the cup in his hand and then back up at Evan. “Considering half of this one is on your sweater, sure. You still owe me a drink anyway.” 

[lillysilvermoon]

What your Future Spouse will admire about you?

Pile 1

Your reading is SO BEAUTIFUL Pile 1, really😭😭

First of all: you have a very feminine energy (high priestess) which is like kryptonite for man🤣😁. You see, the hight priestess have a profound connection with God/Goddess. She believes everyone has their own inner guidance to lead them to their true potential. And you do this! You trust your intuition, follow your heart and your instincts and this makes your s.p just go crazy, I feel like he is very logical and he admires your away of leadership, in your own away (doesn't matter if you realize this or not) you are a leader, you inspire people without even realizing it. With you, he feels healed, you just bring so much peace, calmness and joy to him. And talking about joy: you have a childlike personality, you inner child is very happy and free, you know when it's time to be silly (happy dance) and he admires this in you, you bring his child side and makes he feels comfortable to play and just be silly with you. I feel like my heart will explode of joy right now so I think that's how he feels with you, and this makes he admire you a lot because at the same time you are a very elegant, femine and wise, very responsible you ALSO are fun to be with, you know how to play and you have this magic to him. (He loves you so very much I just can't 😭💗).

And you are confident, I feel you have the mindset of "what is mine will find me" so if something goes wrong you just drive to overcome the obstacle in a positive way. When you have a goals, you work with very fierce energy to bring them to fruition (but the thing is: you do all fo this in a very feminine, gentle and fun way, and he just admires you incredible for this).

Signs: jupiters placements, Gemini, cancer and aries and number's 6,9,5 and 8 (I think cancer's placements are important because cancer's symbol looks like a 69 and you had this two numbers. Cam also be dates or months), books, library, education, parks, lakes and flowers. (And music!!!!!! Omg I think it's important to youu or them, maybe he'll communicate his feelings by songs)

P.S: I was going to pile two but I just heard this: you help them to heal his inner child in some way, and this is something very very important to them and by extension to y'all relationship.

P.S²: I was again going to Pile two- but here it is: he admires you for that because, I feel like this problem with his inner child maybe has affected in a negative way his others relationships and you, somehow, handle this really easy, you don't even realize actually (and I just saw he looking to any place in particular think about this and feeling genuinely happy)

Blonde and redhead for some feel here.

Pile 2

Finally I'm here, hello pile 2♡ let's get into your reading shall we?

Calmness. You are so calm, even in the worst situations, you maintain a sense of peace (or try your best to!). I see here that you have multiple interests and you try to balance all of them and other areas of your life, but you don't stress yourself with this. It's like, if doesn't work it's fine, cause you are adaptable and flexible (and he REALLY admires this because I feel like your future Spouse has a tiny-bit-tittie problem with control (wink nod) and you are kind of the opposite lmao, he see you having all this interests and priorities but... it's not a obligation like "omg I HAVE to do ALL" no. You want to do all, but it's okay if don't work some days, he admires you organization and the way you management your time and schedule. I feel your s.p like calm and stable people, he doesn't like unnecessary drama in his life and you just have this flow, if something doesn't work you just be flexible and this is important too: you think before make decisions! 100% not reactive, you think and go inwards before choosing anything. And you have a introspective side that he just loves too much.

I feel like you are someone who brings them peace love and very good advices when needed (after all no one likes be with someone who just complains, fight for every minimal thing, always need to be right to feel "respected" etc, he admires the peace bring with you.) I feel he deals with a lot of stress in his work place and when he sees you... it's too good, like a oasis.

Signs: poems, tea, wind place, scorpio, leo, sagittarius, venus, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune placements are important, numbers 7, 11 and 12 (can be days, months or house in astrology; 7 represents love and commercial partnerships and our relation with public, 11 it's ruled by Saturn and Uranus (definitely a lot of air sign) and talks about flow, strong thinking and important of expansion and 12 it's the house of our unconscious, fears, dreams and spirituality)

Pile 3

I feel like you give a lot of importance to material possessions, you don't act like "Oh money isn't important blablabla" you know money is important, you work to have a good life, to you things like good education, good house in a great neighborhood, travel to have fun but to also acquire culture and knowledge, good clothes with quality. This are important too you (is giving me old money mindset vibes and if you don't know about it, and I'm NOT talking about the "old money" from Tiktok - I highly recommend the "The Old Money Book: Living better while spending less" to you, it's very short has 158 pages) but you don't live FOR money, the money is your servant not your master!

He admires how you always seem to have a behavior like "this is only temporary and shall pass soon" when something bad or uncomfortable happens, and he really admires this. You have a very outgoing personality, full of energy and optimism (and you have some kind of sex appeal but in a elegant way), you are not afraid to work to have the things you desire, your energy is very positive and uplifting (I feel like your future Spouse enjoys SO MUCH talk to you, he loves to see you so determined to get the things you want and he has this feeling that you two will evolve and grow together.

Also: you are a generous soul, with money and with your time, love and affection and wisdom. Maybe you are into some charity, you are very loving and loyal and this... big turn on to them, I think it's honestly the thing he admires most about you, your personality, your values. You like a rare jewel to them.

Signs: VERY strong water placements, pisces, scorpio and cancer, moon, sun and Mars placements (makes so much sense because mars rules goals) numbers 6, 5, 4 and 8 (can be days, months or house. 6 its concrete and practical knowledge, it's also associated to cleanse, maintenance, work capacity and routine service's (again: makes so much sense, you guys value quality and take care of what you have so last longer, don't have need to buy new things), 5 it's you creative side, what gives you pleasure, 4 it's what we have most profound in us and 8 transition of life and things, ending of cycles).

Hope y'all like this reading, it's my first reading related to love and I'm so happy, I had so much fun doing this and hope you guys too. See you in the next reading.

Xoxo

- Lia

[animeyanderelover]

Can I request the pregnancy HCs with female Darling and characters from: D.Gray-Man - Millennium Earl (human form), Tyki Mikk, Komui Lee, Kanda Yuu, and Allen Walker; BSD- Mori?

Tw: Yandere themes, obsession, possessive behavior, delusional mindset, clinginess, manipulation, baby-trapping, pregnancy, birth

Tags: @shumidehiro @leveyani @izanami78

Pregnancy Hc's

Mori Ougai

🍷​Fom only observing the way Mori interacts with Elise you have always known that the Mafioso has a weak spot for doting on a little girl. He adores buying frilly dresses and cute outfits and even you aren't spared from being dolled up in the clothes that he wastes a lot of his money on. There has always been a hint of fear within you, a wriggling anxiety that comes alive within you whenever Mori muses during tea and cake time that he adores the thought of having a sweet baby girl of his own. Elise's jealous reaction and the way your body stiffens are always sights that he enjoys to observe but he has never gone further than voicing those little fantasies of his. The decision that he wants a little baby of his own is something Mori makes all by himself without telling you at all. You are left within the dark, ever so slightly skittish and anxious and this is exactly the position that Mori wants you in. With a mind ever so sharp and with eyes always watching you he notices the first symptoms before you do. Only when you're hunched over the toilet and empty your lunch within the bowl do you finally realise the situation you are in all whilst Mori cooes gently at you, a thrilled grin on his face.

🍷​Every little grain of freedom you might have had vanishes in front of your eyes just like that. Used to Mori's normally possessive behavior your utter and complete isolation this time around is partially fueled by his protective instincts. Confident yet not cocky, Mori always calculates the possible equation that something might happen, no matter how insignificant that chance is. Absolutely no information about your pregnancy is shared as only Chuuya and Kouyou find out about it from Mori himself, tasked with keeping an eye on you, especially if he himself can't be with you. Their lips are sealed tightly as they share those news with no one, not until Mori himself should decide that it is time to announce the joyous news. Kouyou in particular is someone Mori has a lot of faith in and her calm yet firm exterior proves to be very effective when your hormones get the better of you. Chuuya is a little hothead, unfamiliar with pregnancy and on how to deal with a pregnant woman yet he wouldn't let anything or anyone touch you if Mori tells him to protect you. Weirdly enough you do appreciate his short temper as it feels refreshing from Mori who always seems to be ten steps ahead.

🍷It is painfully obvious that Mori wishes feverently for the baby to be a little girl. He would adore nothing more than a little princess he can spoil and cuddle and dote on as much as his heart desires. Still, he knows that mere wishing will not give him a daughter so as soon as it is possible he determines whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. He cannot deny that even he feels the anticipation getting the better of him as he waits for the results. The moment he figures out that the baby will be a sweet, little girl he is unable to keep his giddiness contained. Creepily excited giggles escape his lips as he smothers you in kisses, his gloved hands eagerly rubbing over your belly which will swell over time with the daughter he cannot wait to see and hold. Within the same day where he has the biological sex confirmed he starts preparing the nursery. Now that he knows for certain that it'll be a girl he decorates the entire room as girlish as possible. The walls are painted pink, ribbons are hung up everywhere and he buys an entire amount of cute plushies for the baby. Elise complains about it to him, wants some plushies too and whilst Mori does buy her another one, he never gives her those he has bought for his baby.

🍷As a former military doctor there is some knowledge about the human body that Mori already possesses. Most of the times he is the one overlooking how your pregnancy is going as the thought of letting someone else that close to your stomach and touching it fills him with seething envy. It is only his privilege to rub your belly and feel the little girl within moving and during every medical check-up he is far more touchy than necessary, his hands never leaving your belly. You have always considered him as someone who has a hard time keeping his hands to himself before you were pregnant but now it feels especially exhausting and annoying. He doesn't want to miss the first little kicks of his baby, doesn't want to miss the way your belly will swell with his daughter so Mori is pretty much glued to your hips. Every time he has to leave you he laments dramatically about the absence between him and his two princesses, spends minutes smothering you and your belly in kisses before he leaves and even though he may only be gone for a few hours he acts like he'll be gone for months. You try to get the most out of those few hours before Mori returns, touch-starved as if he hasn't seen you in forever.

🍷He cannot get enough of the way your body changes during pregnancy, his heart always throbbing within his chest when he looks at you. The clothes he has you wearing during pregnancy are meant to enhance those changes within your body, especially from your babybump he can't get enough. One of his hands is always caressing over the stretched skin without fail, every little movement from within adding to his growing anticipation. Elise is disgusted yet jealous of the exaggerated attention and affection that baby receives despite not even being born yet, childish glares thrown your way though she would never dare to do anything. He reacts with the same giddiness when he feels her kicking around as he did when he first felt her moving, every movement from his daughter special to him. He's brainstormed for names already the moment he knew you were expecting and has an entire mental list with names for his girl by now. It is hard for him to settle for one final name though as all the names he has chosen sound cute and it is perhaps the only time during your pregnancy that he lets you decide something as he asks you for your opinion on it.

🍷The closer your due date crawls the more visibly fidgety Mori grows like a child on Christmas Eve waiting for its presents. To his greatest sorrow the little girl ends up being a few days overdue, painful hours he has to spend waiting for her arrival. Already his little princess seems to test him. When your labour pains finally happen 5 days after the estimated due date he glues himself to your side, unable to keep the grin out of his face as he knows that soon he will finally hold his precious princess in his arms. Your birth is the only time he allows a few other doctors around you, all women as he would undoubtedly slit a man's throat open if he were to let another man see you in such beautiful agony and let another man hold his daughter for the first time. He is sickeningly sweet throughout the entire labour, encouraging you to keep going and that it'll soon be all over. He is visibly shaking with giddiness and adoration when his princess is finally born, immediately taking her out of the nurse's hold the moment he knows that she is healthy and cleaned. A wet shimmer in his eyes as he cooes sweetly at her, already willing to burn down entire cities to keep this precious bundle safe.

Allen Walker

🔴Poor Allen is not exactly the wisest when it comes to recognising the signs of pregnancy when they start appearing but to be fair, neither are you. Children have been a topic that the both of you have discussed a few times already with both of you arriving at the conclusion that neither one of you would mind but you have never specified when exactly the two of you were planning on having a baby. When your appetite starts increasing Allen is mildly baffled but quickly starts embracing your new surge in hunger, gladly sharing his food with you. It's eventually you who realises that something seems to be different as your period has been missing for quite some time now. You make the mistake of mentioning your suspicions to Allen whilst he is eating, causing the poor man to nearly choke to death whilst Timcanpy flatters around his coughing form clearly panicked. When he has finally stopped choking he just looks at you with wide eyes, the shock and surprise written all over his face. His brain needs a few moments to process your words, the silence only making you slightly nervous before he asks you with teary eyes if you're sure. The moment you confirm he starts shedding tears.

🔴Allen is elated with the news that he is going to be a father yet at the same time there is another part of him which is terrified as the realisation sickers in that he is going to have a child. He has left the Black Order, a Noah lives inside of him and he has currently more enemies than he has friends. How is he going to give his child a happy life? If there is one thing that Allen has always wanted for his own child is the innocent and happy upbringing that he could have never had yet now that future he has envisoned for a baby of his own is threatened and it fills him with guilt as he can't help but feel like he has already failed. Still, he decides to let none of that show when he is with you as he doesn't want you to think that he doesn't want this baby with you. His clinginess and his desire to protect you increase the moment he knows about the fact that you are expecting which leads him to never let you out of his sight as the two of you wander through the cities. There is a ball of stress and anxiety coiling within his chest as he has to watch out for so many threats all at once which could all harm you or the baby. Over time Allen becomes almost hyper-aware of his surroundings, always on the lookout.

🔴Despite the overall cluelessness that he has though all of your struggles are met with nothing but sympathy and understanding. Allen is far too enamored with you, especially as you grow heavier with his child. Whenever you get mad as your pregnancy hormones get the better of you and you let part of your anger out on him even though he has done nothing wrong he just sits there quietly and allows you to express your frustration and rage, a warm glimmer in his eyes. When you start crying for no apparent reason he does his everything to cheer you up even if he has to make a fool out of himself. Your appetite only increases as the months go by and he never once utters as much as a single complaint about your seemingly bottomless stomach. He knows very well that he has no right to talk, realises that perhaps it is because you carry his child that you experience his hunger which is why he encourages you to eat as much as you want. He even gives you portions of his own food so that you can eat more even if he has to eat less. You come up with some pretty interesting food combinations during your pregnancy but he always tries them with a smile on his face.

🔴I always like to imagine that due to Allen and Nea both existing within his body and mind that the Noah has also developed an obsession with you or perhaps it was even he who got obsessed first and dragged Allen into it. If Allen is the bright side then Nea is the dark side as both of them are essentially like Jekyll and Hyde. Allen despite his increased need to keep you close and protected tries to give you still enough freedom so that you can be happy as well. Nea always attempts to interfere with such decisions as he desires to keep you right next to him, his whispers constantly attempting to influence Allen or to even take over. It may happen that there are a few moments where the Noa takes over, Allen's grip on you suddenly tightening as golden eyes seemingly pierce through your soul, his hands gingerly caressing the curve of your tummy as a smug and satisfied look appears on his face. From all potential dangers which might happen to you Nea is the one Allen is the most aware of and it always spooks him when the man resurfaces and seizes control of his body. To Allen this baby is the physical manifestation of your shared love. For Nea it is a claim of possession of you, a way to control you.

🔴It becomes very obvious that you are unable to walk a lot of distance the further you are along as your body tires more easily. Whenever Allen notices your exhaustion he simply starts carrying you, muttering an apology into the crown of your head as he searches for a good place for you to rest. He knows that he needs to find a place for you to settle, a place where you can give birth and recover from it afterwards. He needs an experienced doctor and nurses just as much as he doesn't know how to help deliver a baby. There is no expectation within him that me will find a place where neither the Black Order nor the Noah family will find him but he at the very least needs a place where he can have you rest for a few months after you have given birth. Both of you find shelter in a small village within a forest where an elderly couple allows the both of you to stay in the room that used to belong to their child. Nea obviously distrusts, doesn't want other people around you but Allen wills himself to ignore those whispers as he accepts the offer gratefully, helping the couple in return as a way to pay them back whilst you rest for the final weeks of your pregnancy.

🔴The older woman actually recognises the early signs of labour within you and the moment she mentions that to the two of you Allen is practically already out of the door to retrieve the midwife. He panics, anxious since he left your side as he urges her to walk faster and at one point he is that close to simply lift her up and carry you to the house so that he can be quicker by your side again. When he returns Timcanpy is circling around your head, his wings flapping fast as an indicator of his own nervousness. Still, the golden ball tries to encourage you in his own ways as he rubs against your head to emotionally support you. Every time the pain gets too much for you and you let out a hiss or a scream Allen winces, increasingly light-headed and dizzy as the hours pass. He would never forgive himself if he were to faint here though, especially since you are the one in pain right now and not him. His heart is in his throat, his palms clammy by the time the baby is finally born and his shoulders sag visibly with relief when he hears that you and his son are both safe. He insists that you hold the baby first as you have done all the work, eyes shining with unshed tears as the boy is laid on your chest.

Kanda Yu

💙​Yu has never really talked about his dreams with you before. Perhaps because he has never deemed it as necessary in a business with such a high death rate or because he simply doesn't have any visions for his future as he onl focuses on killing Akuma. His only real desire is for you to stay with him, emotions far too irritating and unneeded for someone who is normally as calculated and cold-hearted as he is. He is keenly aware that there is something that you are hiding from him. He senses the nervous glances you give him whenever you believe him not to notice, picks up on the way your body nervously shuffles around when the both of you are alone. Believing it to be nothing too urgent though he simply decides to wait for a while to see if you'll gather the courage to talk to him as he doesn't always want to be the one who has to force you to spill everything as it can be annoying at times. From everything that you could have told him though he didn't even consider the topic of pregnancy, blue eyes fixed on your nervous form before slowly trailing down to your stomach. The silence is thick and painful but even more is his exit as he doesn't utter a single word.

💙​A child is something which Yu has never even considered before as it has never been something he saw himself desiring. Children are loud, annoying, take patience and understanding to raise. Qualities which he doesn't believe himself to possess. Even though he isn't going to be truthful about it, Yu is actually questioning how good of a parent he could even be. He has sacrificed people around him all in the name of slaying Akuma as for him it has never been much about saving people but more about ridding the world of the greater evil. Now suddenly there is his own child present in his mind, his memories resurfacing of times where he couldn't save a child's parents or even the child itself as he instead chose to focus on killing instead of saving. Memories that have never haunted him much before suddenly weigh much more than he can remember, dragging him down into the inner hell of his own thoughts. Yu finds himself deeply buried within his own mind the following days. He doesn't even say a single word about your pregnancy as he acts like you never told him this and it secretly torments you on the inside as you wonder if he doesn't want this child.

💙​Still, you seem to know better than to pester him about this. So you let him sink into the depths of his mind where he spends a lot of time in. It's not an easy decision for him as he spends a lot of time doubting and second-guessing. Even so, after the initial shock passes Yu finds himself much more protective around you. He always seems to be somewhere in the shadows, unwilling to appear as overbearing yet at the same time unable to let you leave his gaze. He approaches you eventually though after he has finally managed to sort his own emotions and thoughts out and asks you how you are feeling about the situation and what you want to do. He listens to your own opinion and he even confesses his own thoughts about the pregnancy, clarifies to you about all the potential hardships that may arise, especially since he is lucid enough to know that his love isn't something you are comfortable with. The final decision he leaves up to you though and he is actually surprised when you decide after a lot of consideration that you want to keep the child. He masks that shock very well though and gives you a sharp nod, silently acknowledging that this is your decision.

💙​Yu doesn't plan to tell anyone within the Black Order just yet about your pregnancy. He can already estimate how people like Allen, Lavi and Lenalee would react and the last thing that he needs right now is a bunch of annoying brats pestering him about the pregnancy and cornering you. No, he takes the time after you have made your decision so that the both of you can figure things out and come up with a stable plan on how to proceed in the future. Neither one of you planned for this baby so both of you are utterly underprepared. Komui is the first person who finds out about your pregnancy and even he isn't able to hide the brief hint of surprise on his face. Yu ignores any cutting snark that he would like to give when he notices the amused twinkle in Komui's eyes. He's here to plan for a few days of break around your estimated due date and not to get into a petty fight that would leave him undoubtedly with a headache. Komui agrees to his requests, promises the Exorcist to see it through that Yu won't have any assigned missions to allow him to spend some time with you after you have given birth. A few curtly words of gratitude is all he receives in return though for Yu's terms that is a lot.

💙​If there are missions assigned to him during the following months Yu still completes them but there is a sense of urgency to finish them that has never been there before. He's a lot less tolerant of any bullshit his assigned team members may commit and he ends up hurting someone's feeling when he lashes out on whoever stalled the mission unnecessarily because they couldn't pull themselves together. When he isn't on missions he spends most of his time with you, his protective feelings growing alongside with your belly. He's usually always trailing behind you when you decide to take a walk, sharp eyes observing everything within your surroundings and the moment an unfamiliar face approaches you he appears behind you. You're kept away from his friends as much as possible simply because Yu is not in the mood for them to crowd around you and pester him and you both with their congratulations and questions. You may tolerate that but he surely won't. Over time he does warm up to the thought of the child but he is far from feeling like he is ready to be a father. The thought of having a family of his own still seems so unreal yet with every week that idea gets closer to becoming a reality.

💙​The closer you get to your due date the more he seems to be filled with a sense of unease. When he is excused from his work for a while until you have given birth Yu initially doesn't even know what to do with himself. He knows that he is very close to being a father and that thought fills him with many negative but also some positive feelings. When your water breaks and you are in the throes of labour he sits stiffly by your side, allowing you to clutch his hands tightly as he monitors the midwife and her every move very closely. He has never been the best when it comes to comforting you as he usually sucks it all up and locks it away which he knows you cannot do. So instead of saying something which may only hurt your feelings he decides to say nothing, only occasionally asking the midwife how everything is processing and how close you are to giving birth. The tension doesn't leave his muscles even after you deliver your son safely, blue eyes alert as he inspects the midwife closely as she handles the baby before handing the little boy to you. The reality of the situation still needs a couple of moments to settle in before he finally releases a long breath he has been holding in, finally allowing himself to relax.

Komui Lee

👓​It is perhaps easy to forget that hidden beneath that lazy and whimsical attitude is a person who is not only the Chief Officer of the Black Order but also the Branch Head of the European Branch. Truly, with Komui's downright maniacal behavior it is sometimes hard to acknowledge that he is a man with such a high position, especially for newbies. Yet there is a very different side that Komui reveals when the time calls for it and it is in such moments that even you are reminded that there is far more hidden than the goofy facade that he often exhibits. In itself Komui doesn't have anything against the thought of having children. A part of him even wants it actively. Another part of him is terrified though. What if his children grow up to be Exorcists? What if something happens to them? There would be no greater pain than having to witness the funeral of your own child after all. Life isn't that easy sadly, not with the Akuma and the Noah family and even the unethical methods of the Black Order who sacrifices the lives of other Exorcists for the greater cause. I do not believe the pregnancy to be an accident though as Komui is too careful for such a thing to happen without it having been planned.

👓​There is no spontaneous path that leads to you expecting a baby of his. In fact preparations have begun weeks before you were even confirmed to be pregnant as Komui and you had rather long discussions with each other where you found yourself exposed to a sober and serious side of him you very rarely witnessed. He's very vulnerable and see-through with you during such conversations as he admits his worries to you. A lot of things have to be weighted, a lot of plans are crafted before before both of you make the mutual decision to still try for a baby even if the world isn't quite as safe as it could be. That only serves as a motivation for Komui to work harder to create a safe environment for his child as soon as it is officially confirmed that you are expecting a baby. The fact that both of you have been planning for this for such a long time allows him to just fully embrace his happiness and joy instead of dwelling on doubts and fears of all the risks since he has already confessed all of it to you before. His reaction is as quirky and dramatic as everyone is used to as he actually gives the doctor a tight hug with tears in his eyes. Safe to say, everyone in the building hears his shouts of happiness.

👓​If you are an Exorcist it is safe to say that all missions for you are cancelled for a very long time and if anyone dares to object to Komui's decision they will get a short glimpse of his very protective and serious side which is sure to leave them baffled and shocked. Lenalee has most likely already known about the fact that both of you have been trying for a baby so the news aren't necessarily a shock for her but she is still happily surprised when she hears it. She quickly searches for the both of you and congratulates you for soon being parents. The poor girl has to endure having her ears talked off though because as soon as she is with Komui he instantly starts rambling about you. He has a very bad habit of gushing to everyone he works closely with about you and your pregnancy but Lenalee gets the most of it. During a scan fairly early in your pregnancy it is actually revealed that you are expecting twins and those news send Komui straight to the floor, his hands clutching his heart as if he has gone into cardiac arrest. His body twitches as incoherent mumbles leave his lips and it takes Lenalee literally kicking his ass awake for him to return to his senses.

👓​His poor co-workers have to essentially become professional hunters from that day on as Komui constantly tries to escape all the paperwork to spend his time with you. They have to chase him down whenever he attempts to flee to spend his time with you and his growing twins and one time he got extremely silly and tried to crawl through the ventilation shaft to reach you only to get stuck halfway. It is a story no one in this order will ever let him live down as it took five Exorcists to pull him out of there because he absolutely screamed in terror when Kanda stoicly stated that he'd just cut the wall open with no regards of whether Komui would come out unharmed or not. To tame his silly antics you start to help him in his office to keep you busy somewhat now that you can't go on any missions anyways. Or you just spend your time talking to the phone with him though that actually only distracts him more. Additionally he is like a waterfall as the words never stop pouring out of the speaker to the point where you sometimes walk away to do something all whilst he continues to ramble. It takes him minutes to realise that you aren't there on the other side anymore.

👓​He grows very touchy as soon as the bump starts to show. His behavior perhaps isn't quite fitting for the position that he has been given but whenever someone scolds him for his sappy antics he cries out that he is just human. He misses the first kicks of the babies due to being busy with work and it is your mistake to tell him this when he gets back home. He acts like he has been robbed of his most precious treasure, pouts the entire week after and cries to everyone who is unfortunate to cross his path that such a special moment has been stolen from him all because of the papaerwork he has to do. As foolish as Komui may look, he has a very detailed plan for you and all the medical check-ups that you need during your pregnancy as well as maternity leave and even the midwives who will assist you during birth. It's because he has already planned out all the important details and has scheduled everything thoroughly that he can allow himself to be so sappy in the first place. He sucks at choosing names though. It's not like he doesn't have an entire list of names he has thought about but he is just so utterly unable to choose that you have to step in and even let Lenalee help you to pick two names.

👓​The closer you get to your due date the more antsy Komui seems to get. He tries to soothe his nerves by drinking coffee but unfortunately this only has the opposite effect as he gets even more squirrelly as a result. He can barely focus on his work by now as he needs to read everything twice to let the words sicker in, his mind filled with you. When your water breaks he rushes so fast to your side that he actually trips and lands flat on his face only to wave all worries off even though his face is red from landing on the hard floor. He's experiencing a surge of adrenaline that has him forgetting all about the pain in that moment. It's comedical to see how hard he is trying to comfort you all whilst he is trembling like a leaf in the winds of autumn, his palms growing sweatier the longer contractions last. It actually helps you through the pain as his jittery exterior amuses you as it creates the impression that you are for more composed than he is right now. He is unable to stop gushing over the little girl and boy as soon as they are out of you, rivers of tears flowing down his cheeks that won't stop no matter how much he rubs them dry with the sleeves of his uniform.

The Millenium Earl

🎃​As patriarch of the Noah Clan the Earl already has a big family with which he spends all of his time with. A life with him is rather unique as it is since his Noah form and his human form are so jarringly different to each other. His Noah form is very likely to frighten you a tad bit since it looks less human-like and every sweet word of his almost sounds like a honeyed threat to you. In his human form you feel better. As Adam he is softer, sweeter though also far more clingy and even more obsessed with having you close to him. There is a level of trust and vulnerability that he reveals to you as Adam though, something other Noah tend to criticise him for as they don't think that he should hand as much of his heart to you as he does. That's why you are very aware of Adam's wish to have a little child with you, to create a new life in this new era where all of them have been reincarnated in and have reunited once more. He would never force you but at the same time he is ever so slightly desperate with the thought, his heart longing for a baby to raise and cherish with you. Subtle pressure from his pleas increases when you are around other Noah who all seem to expect from you to fulfill his wish.

🎃​All members of the Noah family seem to share a very special connection with their kin. That's why I like to believe that they're able to sense the new creation of a being that carries their blood in its veins inside of your womb long before you are even suspecting anything. You are slightly shaken when you notice how they start to peer at you, especially at your stomach. It isn't until Adam himself slowly goes down on his knees, tears in his eyes as his fingers reverently run over your stomach as he senses the new life that your body will nourish and grow. His voice is thick with emotions as he glances up at you, thanking you for the new life that your body is bearing and only then do you finally realise what is going on and why everyone has been staring at you so much as of lately. Now, as much as other Noah may dislike you due to being a human, the moment they all know that you are expecting the Earl's child they all grow very protective of you and the little thing currently developing within your body. People like Road are much more amicable to you though. She's the first person from the Noah that actually walks over to you and congratulates you for being a mama-to-be.

🎃​The little freedom that you have fought so hard for slips right through your fingers. Everyone is against the idea of you being supervised by yourself and whilst Adam is not as strict with his words it is very obvious that he still shares the same mindset as everyone else in this family. He is terrified of anything happening to you as well as to the little baby within you that he already loves so painfully much. Considering that Adam is able to sense the sorrow of other people he is especially prone to being affected by your emotions and as pregnancy proves to make you especially emotional at times he seems to suffer alongside with you. It doesn't even matter how silly whatever it is that you are sad about he is emotionally right with you. It is slightly annoying but also weirdly comforting in a way to you as he supports you through your sorrow and tries to cheer you up with whatever methods he can think of. Often he resorts to using Lero as a way to cheer you up as he knows that you are rather fond of his golem. It is rather amusing though to see the flabbergasted reaction of Lero when he is told that you are expecting Adam's child as he is the last one from everyone to find out.

🎃​All of the medical attention that you receive is from someone within the Noah Clan. Overall no one would trust a human to assist in your pregnancy as well as your birth when it comes to a child from the Noah family, especially since it is the Earl's child that you are carrying. Wisely turns out to know surprisingly enough as he always inherits the memories of all of his previous incarnations and Road knows the one or other thing too considering that she is one of the oldest despite her young appearance. Even without any previous knowledge regarding pregnancy everyone from the Noah family always seems to know roughly whether or not the little one growing within you is healthy or not though and all of that because they can tell through the connection that they share through their blood. It makes you very susceptible for criticism from their side though as soon as they should sense that the baby isn't feeling well though one soft warning uttered from the Earl is usually more than enough to make all of them shut up. The Earl is even able to perceive the sadness of the baby at one point. His baby is always sad when you are as well as if sensing the sorrow of its mother.

🎃​Adam adores the way your body changes in order to nurture a new life within your womb. He makes it a point to constantly tell you just how beautiful you are right now, fulfilling a miracle by bearing his baby. He gets very emotional whenever he feels the baby kicking within you, his palms rubbing with tender eagerness over your baby bump to feel the movements of the baby. Technically he can sense if the fetus is healthy or not but feeling the pressure of their limbs from within is a tangible proof that tells him that his child is happy and healthy within you. He converses a lot with your belly as he wants the baby to get used to his voice, to remember it from their time within your womb after you give birth. He even sometimes reads to you and the child on nights when the little one is especially active and keeps you from getting the rest that you need the further you get. It works though. The baby within you starts to recognise his voice at one point, soothed by the loving and gentle tone of his words as they stop their uncomfortable kicks and movements only moments after Adam starts talking to them. Witnessing how much they love his voice has his heart brimming with love that he can't wait to give his baby.

🎃​Every member of the family gifts you and the baby something. Road for example gifts you and the baby matching outfits she has sewed herself as well as a little plushie for the baby, also handmade by her. When your due date gets closer, Adam starts gluing himself to your side. His heart is filled with a mixture of anticipation, excitement and silent fear. He knows how painful labour is for a woman and even though it is the natural order of a new life to enter the physical world his heart is aching nevertheless for you. His grip on your hand is almost equally as tight as yours when contractions finally start and remember that he even holds his strength back as otherwise he might shatter every bone in your arm. Tears are in his eyes as he watches you endure the pain of delivering his child, his lips constantly pressing kisses against your sweaty face as he whispers praises and apologies against your ear. The tears start rolling the moment the shrill cry of the infant fills the room and Adam starts sobbing quietly when he sees the face of his little daughter for the first time. So small, so fragile and so precious that he is terrified to hold her at first, afraid to hurt the little love of his life.

Tyki Mikk

🦋​Tyki himself has never indulged much in the thought of children before and neither has his Noah Joyd but all of that slowly seems to change the moment you stumble into the picture. You see, the Noah are the true Apostles of God and for that deep down there lies an innate desire to repopulate so that the world will be filled with the original humans. It's a slumbering desire that awakens over time within Joyd who desires to have you bear his child and it is Joyd's downright feral desire that forces Tyki to be aware of the lust of his Noah side. It's very hard to balance those desires out though as Joyd gets especially feral once he has your quivering body beneath him and purrs in your ears about his desire to see you carrying him a baby. It's hard to ignore those words of his and he knows that it will spook you out so soon after those previously slumbering urges have awoken Tyki decides to confess to you about the nature of his Noah. He confesses to you that he doubts that those desires will ever go away and though he himself wouldn't want to force you into giving him a child he is honest enough to admit to you that he doesn't know how long he can stop himself.

🦋​It is with a great amount of reluctance that you agree after a while to the idea of carrying him a baby. You may not understand everything about his family but you are smart enough to understand that Joyd is an ancient being that you cannot stop by yourself. The moment you have made up your mind Joyd instantly has you pressed beneath his body, golden eyes gleaming with lust and hunger. His dedication coupled with his stamina soon lead you exactly where he wants to have you. You're pregnant with his baby, his Noah blood sensing the little being of his flesh and blood. Smugness and satisfaction are all visible on his face as his golden eyes focus on your belly, a purr rumbling through his chest as his fingers dance over your belly. His brother is delighted when he hears the news and congratulates Tyki for his incoming fatherhood. Road ends up stealing you away whilst Sheril gives his brother some advice on how to be a good father though Tyki probably isn't buying anything. Road herself is quite excited since this baby is going to be her cousin but she seems to also understand that the circumstances that have led to this pregnancy aren't exactly something you expected.

🦋​Tyki has expected that his possessiveness would definitely receive a boost but perhaps even he underestimated just how much more possessive he would grow of you now that you are pregnant with his baby. He always wants you within sight of him, golden eyes always following you like a hawk whenever you move around the room. A desire he has always carried within his heart to care for you and protect you only blossoms further, thick vines that hold his heart in a chokehold. He starts doting on you and his baby growing within you a lot long before you even start showing. The entire family finds out soon after and whilst some members are more iffy about the thought of a human bearing someone of their bloodline as soon as the Earl chirps his congratulations no one would even think about voicing any criticism. Seeing his family react overall so positive definitely fills him with a sense of pride, at least from his Noah side. Tyki makes it a point to be as involved as possible in everything though. He builds the nursery, he helps to choose a name for the baby and he sees it through that he takes care of you as you grow heavier with his baby. He loves taking care of you as you grow more reliant on him.

🦋​It's undeniably Joyd speaking so clearly out of him whenever he confesses in a smooth voice to you that he adores to watch you growing less mobile which in return forces you to rely more on him. There's nothing more precious and beautiful than caring for you all whilst you bear him his lovely child. When he is Tyki things are more casual and occasionally even awkward as he finds himself a tiny bit overwhelmed at times when your hormones get the better of you but he never once strays from your side. He gets you the food that you want and even though he may give you a perplexed look when you combine some... unique flavors together he never criticises you for it as he's worried that he might hurt your feelings which are already all over the place. He isn't necessarily very strict when it comes to the stuff you eat during your pregnancy but he still sees it through that you consume the meals that he prepares for you, more nutritious and healthy for you and the baby than what you may consume otherwise. The moment your bump starts showing one of his hands always finds a way to your stomach, his fingers gingerly tracing over the growing curve as a low purr escapes him.

🦋​Your comfort is Tyki's priority and once the pregnancy starts putting a strain on your body and the little one starts getting more active within you he pays more attention to you than ever. He constantly offers to massage you the moment your body starts aching from the weight of your pregnancy, draws baths for you to allow you to relax for a while and he even allows his Teez to keep you company. They would never hurt you but they so nib playfully at you. They do possess more awareness than you might have given them previously credit for though as they often place themselves over your stomach in an almost protective manner. Almost equally as your physical comfort to him is your emotional well-being though. Especially Joyd needs you to realise just how beautiful you are at the moment for nurturing a little baby that will be all his and all yours. If he should sense any hint of insecurities within you due to the unfamiliar changes that your body goes through he would be more than willing to prove to you just how pretty you currently are in his eyes. You're nothing short of stunning as the sight of you swollen with his baby is absolutely lovely and delectable.

🦋​The process of birth would be interesting mainly because his abilities would technically allow him to pull the child out of your womb without you even having to go through any painful contractions. However, I do think that this is a situation where Tyki and Joyd would sort of clash against each other. Tyki is a human and even though he is no woman he still wishes to spare you from painful hours. Joyd is his Noah though who wants to see you go through the painful but also beautiful process of giving birth to a new life and unless it is an emergency he refuses to use his abilities on you. Let nature take its course like it has done for thousand of years now already. This could honestly end up either way depending on who ends up having the stronger will though if other Noah are present during birth they will most likely also insist on you giving birth the natural way unless complications should appear. The pride and joy that he feels dwelling up within his chest the moment his son is delivered is the same either way. Golden eyes are filled with affection for you and for the little boy, a deep purr rumbling through his chest as he wraps the baby and you protectively within his arms.

[walpu]

walp walp hear me out

remember that trailblazer scene with firefly and how she just just gets stabby stabbed by the creature (memory zone meme i think)

and + Aventurine having access to the 'real' dreamscape, combine that with bodyguard! reader who will go through hell and back to make sure Aventurine will. Live.

reader follows aven during the entirety of the Penacony quest, including when Black Swan teleports the both of them to the real memory zone. (also, does anyone else feel like bodyguard! reader and Trailblazer would be besties... no, just me?)

now, keep in mind, Aven and reader have a... complicated bond. IPC workers here and there say their dating, the Trailblazer has straightup asked if they would just get a room (you get their vibe, you can go along with the secret assassin! bodyguard! reader req i sent in)

a little bit more insight on their dynamic (again, going with the assassin reader thing, its already known between the two atp, so this can be set after that period), Aven wants to love reader, wants to hold them close, and wants their affection, but dammit, he just cant bring himself to. Not when he's sure he'll just hurt everyone that comes close to him (his sister, cough cough)

and reader has the same mindset, they love Aven, as a boss, as that annoying but endearing friend, and perhaps as more. But they have blood, the lives of people that they've unlawfully taken, not to mention, they are 100% sure Aven would never love a person who killed just for monetary income.

now, here's where the real show starts. There's also another assassin (seriously, Duke Inferno should save his manpower) following reader and Aven. Safe to say, only one is making it out alive. How the assassin followed the two of them? No fucking clue, but somehow it does.

After i assume beating the living shit out of hordes of memory zone monsters, the assassin appears, and just when Aventurine's unsuspecting?? Boom, goes in for the kill.

Yeah, too bad. Aven's not dying. But reader is! Yeah, in a act of (cliche) protection, reader allowed themselves to be the one to suffer from the attack. (Bonus if they get decapitated, or just stabbed like how Trailblazer was by Cocolia). Aven will never forget the way that he just- watched reader's body fall, the light just gone from their eyes.

Anyways, he doesn't even get to hold their body. You just- poof into bubbles like Firefly did. The last thing he has left of his beloved bodyguard? Just a simple red earring, matching the one he wore. Nothing left.

Okay, im also going to cope here that the whole shitshow with Aven and Acheron did not happen, he returns to the room that reader had, and he just... stands there. He takes in the way that half of the room was messy, half of it was untouched. So much like them, unpredictable and just had a touch of the weirdness he loved so damn much.

(Bonus if you want a happy scenario, reader's alive and well, afterall, dying in the dreamscape doesn't kill anyone. Reader is probably smiling very awkwardly while they stare at a teary eyed Aventurine, then they make out /hj)

yay another rant, i had this idea for days, the decapitation part may or may not have been plaguing me (should i be concerned), anyways, thanks for listening to my word vomit, stay safe and stay healthy <33

feel like falling on my knees and begging to forgive me for taking so long this spring doesn't let me breath istg. I've got this request before 2.1 and only got to it now that's why Aven is ghosting me.

bodyguard!reader "dying" in the dreamscape to protect Aventurine

sort of a sequel to this but can be read as a separate work as well, the main thing you need to know is that reader was originally an assassin sent by Duke Inferno but they've changed their mind and stayed by Aven's side

notes - gn!reader, angst, unestablished relationship, no beta

You both knew the trip to Penacony would be difficult. You, in particular, knew that something big and very sinister is coming, judging by the way Aventurine danced around the subject, not giving you full information.

You may not know all the details of Aventurine's plan but you know him well enough to realize that he's planning on doing something extremely reckless and dangerous.

So you do your best to protect him. To shiels him from any possible danger, to keep him within your reach.

Of course Aventirune notices. How can he not notice when he already keeps his eye on you most of the time anyway. And just as you're trying to look out for him, he wants to looks out for you.

This mission already could be considered suicidal and he doesn't want you to be caught in this. Better to keep you in the dark, away from it.

Yet he can't help but selfishly enjoy your attention, your tenderness. You go out of your ways to make sure he's fine and he feels so undeserving of it. How can you be so kind when he's keeping so much from you?

You've seen him at his worst and you've stayed. You've proven so many times that you care for him not because it's just your job, not because of his money or status but because it's him.

He still struggles to believe in it sometimes. When he feels doubtful , he rubs his cheek against your shoulder in a playful cat-like manner and watches your reaction. Amusement you're trying to hide. Adoration you can't hide.

How can he doubt you? You're the one who should be doubting him.

He wants to melt into you, to be even closer than the two of you already are, but how can he love you without putting you in danger? Without draining your luck, without cursing you?

Sometimes he sees the same struggles in your eyes. When you carefully trace his face with the tips of your gloved fingers, your gaze sometimes lowers and you pull your hand away, as if you're ashamed.

But of what, of what? The blood on your hands? He has it too!

He wants to tell you this, to hold you tight, to never ever let go. The wish is so primal that everyone else can see. The memokeeper giving him a knowing smile as soon as she sees you two together, the masked fool taunting him about the only one willing to listen to him being his loyal dog ("though, judging by the way you look at them, little peacock, you're the one on the leash here~" she says. It feels like even a lower blow than the comments about his past. At least he expected those, but being taunted about his obvious feelings for is new), mx. Stellaron asking you two to get a room with a deadpun expression.

The worst one is the doctor though. Asking Aventurine to focus on the mission, then, in a softer tone, suggesting to tell you more about the plan. "It's foolish to keep it from your most trusted person, gambler. In the end, it may hurt them even more than your obsessive concerns".

If Ratio of all people gives you relationship advice you're doing soooo bad.

Yet Aventurine can't bring himself to listen to his words. He wants you safe and well, and he's sure (he's not sure) he's doing the right thing.

And yet he's wrong. He can't shield you, he can't. One of the richest people in the IPC, one of the Ten Stonehearts, the blessed one, yet he can't protect the one he loves no matter how much he tries. He's cursed, doomed, isn't he?

Damned Duke Inferno. He's dead, annihilated, and yet, somehow, one of his wretched dogs, his sneaky little assassin, finds you two in the depths of the memory zone. Such dedication to the cause!

There are two gunshots. Inferno's little rat and you strike at the same time. Them, aiming at Aventurine, and you, aiming at them. Only one bullet reaches it's target though.

It all happens so fast. You react immediately, covering Aventurine with your body. You move instinctively at the same second you shoot.

When their bullet hits you, you don't even feel it. Maybe because it's still a dreamland? The pain just won't come even though your back feels like it's on fire. You don't understand it yet but your body already starts disappearing.

All you can focus on is Aventurine's wide shocked eyes. His beautiful, beautiful eyes.

You smile weakly at him. That's all he can see before you're gone. He doesn't even have time to reach out to you, to hold you. As if he ever had the privilege of holding his loved ones in their final moments.

You just poof into the blue bubbles.

He rushes into the real world, in your room, praying to any deity that may here for you to be alive and well. It was a dream, not a real world. You can't die in a dream, not really. You weren't even killed by the memory zone meme, surely you're fine!

Yet you're not. You're not here, not anywhere in the hotel. You're truly gone.

He feels everything and nothing at the same time.

Of course, of course, of course he wasn't able to protect you!

How lucky he is, he has avoided death once again! His beloved died to protect him but he has survived! He's so blessed, truly, so blessed!

He finds himself on his knees, on the verge of hysterical laughter. The only thing you left behind is a small red earring he has gifted. And he clatches it so tightly his hand bleeds. Perhaps the pain is the only thing keeping him sane at this moment.

It feels like a cruel joke. It doesn't feel real, it shouldn't be real.

Wait... That's it! It isn't real. It's impossible to die in a dream! It was his theory all along, after all. It must be true. You just can't be dead, you can't, not you too.

His plan hasn't changed, he tells Ratio when he comes to check on Aventurine. He just needs to reach the real Penacony. To reach it and to find you there. You're strong and brave and so wonderful. You're out there somewhere, he just needs to help you to get back to the real world.

He holds into that idea like a madman. It doesn't matter how dangerous it is. It never did, to be honest. But now it's like he can't focus on anything else.

He hasn't feel so despaired in years. He just needs to find you, everything else is meaningless.

So when it's time for the final act, he gets on stage, fears not and doesn't look back.

He still holds his hand behind his back though. Clutching your earrings for dear life.

[fun-k-board]

AAAA YOUR REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!!! :3333 could I maybe request CG Storm and CG Rogue? Maybe them and a little reader who’s a bit on the fussy/ tantrum-y side?

Thank you!!!!! ^^ (u probably know who this is but I’m too scared to come off anon 😭)

X-MEN '97 - Little reader who's fussy and tends to have tantrums

SFW INTERACTION ONLY!! AGE REGRESSION IS NOT A KINK!!

Note(s): HEHHE I KNOW!! It's alright tbh I'm terrified of coming off anon too (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

Powered through writing this because you're cool as hell and I like you! 💪 I don't and didn't really have the most idk 'attentive' family, so I'm not the best judge on how to take care of kids or people in a kids mindset, I may be a little bad at writing for caregivers and age regression in general because of this.

ANNA MARIE DARKHÖLME / ROGUE

'Hey, hey now sugah, let's calm down, you don't want to go in time out and I don't want to send ya. Explain to me why you don't like the food, I'm perfectly alright gettin' you somethin' different, there ain't no need to get upset.'

Anna can sometimes tell when you're about to have a tantrum or become more fussy than usual, even if you tend to take a while to throw a full fit, she'll watch you carefully and try to prevent one from fully forming. Gently kissing you on the forehead and brushing back your hair, asking what's wrong with a worried look on her face.

The moment you start yelling, kicking, or even crying, maybe after ignoring her question, she finds it hard not to just fold and give you what you want, after all, you're just so cute. However, her sense of responsibility and care for you overwhelms her need to coddle you.

Anna will say your name firmly, getting you to pay attention to her, and only her. She'll get a tissue for you and wipe your tears away, and ask firmly what you're sad or angry about and if you could possibly explain it to her.

If you can't verbally, for whatever reason, she'll give you the opportunity to write it on paper or she'll play a guessing game with you, the guessing game is only for when you're extremely upset and need cheering up though.

If you explain, in whatever format you need to, that you're upset because of an issue that's causing you distress, maybe food triggered sensory issues, someone was mean to you, etc, then she'll let you off the hook because you clearly didn't mean to cause any harm and you were just acting out.

Rogue will give you a bit of a talking to, telling you that crying and throwing things makes it difficult to help, but that's about it. Given it's not your fault she isn't actually too mad, she just wants you to understand that she won't know how to help if you're kicking and screaming.

If, however, your outburst was because of a silly reason, say you don't like the colour crayons and you throw them at her, she won't be as quick to accept it and move on.

She's still very sympathetic and won't ever raise her voice at you, even when you've done something especially terrible for no apparent reason.

Anna is very lenient and her 'punishments' usually just include a minute or so sitting in the corner, maybe withholding drawing from you for the day, but she always makes sure to explain in detail why you're being punished and it's usually only a last resort.

Rogue is very sweet even when she's being stern, her eyes can't help but go soft and her tone slips from that firm scolding one she uses when you're being bad, to a sweet almost coo-like baby voice.

Afterwards she comforts you like there's no tomorrow, telling you that she didn't want to hurt your feelings by taking away something or sending you to the corner, but you just need to learn some manners and how to handle yourself.

If you're fussy in terms of only liking clothes of a certain colour, food cut or made in a certain way, or things being done in a particular order, she absolutely doesn't mind doing these things for you! When it comes to cooking Rogue tends to ask for Gambit's help, she's not the worst cook in the world, but she can't do it like Remy can.

When it comes to removing parts of food, maybe you like to remove the crusts of bread and have them separate or not at all, she'll happily cut them off for you and maybe even eat the crusts while talking to you.

Sometimes she matches clothes with you! After all, 'If you like these clothes, they must be the best ones they got!' She says with a grin.

ORORO MUNROE / STORM

'My child, it's important to remember your manners when speaking to those around you. I am not angry, but you must tell me what is wrong if I am to correct my mistake or you are able to grow.'

The moment she notices you starting to throw a tantrum, which is fairly fast even if your signs are just a deep frown, asking you if everythings alright and most of the time avoiding any tantrums before they begin.

However, sometimes you refuse to tell her what's wrong, perhaps you go straight to throwing toys or food, pouting, yelling, in replying she will simply hold a gentle hand on your shoulder and kindly repeat her question on what the matter is. Her tone is gentle and her face is one of genuine concern.

Like Rogue, if you're in distress because of something that's not your fault, or maybe you're just overwhelmed, she will never hold it against you at all. If you're comfortable with it and it's something you need to calm down, Storm will pick you up and give you a tight hug, if not, she's alright with just holding a hand on your shoulder, or even removing her hand and only speaking to you.

Ororo will get on one knee, bending down to speak to you in a hushed whisper, she'll tell you that it's all okay, that she'll help you and make it better, give you different food, turn off the lights, whatever you need, she can give it to you.

However, if you're just being fussy to perhaps get a reaction out of her, she'll raise her brow in an almost amused action, as if she finds your attempts to be aggravating as cute as a cat nibbling on its owner's hand. If you're throwing a fit just to throw one, she will definitely tell you sternly that you cannot do such things, at least not in her care.

I don't think that Storm is the type to use the corner or naughty step as a punishment, after all, she has her own fear of tight, dark places, you may fear loneliness, or abandonment, she does not wish her own troubles onto a mind like yours.

Instead, she talks to you, more importantly, she'll help you figure out what you did wrong, how to improve next time, and reflect on her own actions to see if the trouble was caused by a mistake on her part. It won't be an in depth conversation, she tends to use stuffed animals as an aid to show you an outsiders perspective.

If you're struggling with saying your words out loud, never fear, she has tons of paper and crayons, or pencils, pen, markers, etc if that's what you prefer, just for you! She keeps them in her room for whenever you regress and want to keep near her when doing so.

Ororo will advise you to draw your feelings, maybe even write a letter if that's more what you're comfortable with. She doesn't mind bad spelling or handwriting, she's quite good at deciphering even the most atrociously unintelligible handwriting.

At most, and only if you've been really bad, she'll lead you to your room, or hers, just to make sure you don't get embarrassed and act out further. Storm will tell you what you did wrong as firmly as she can so that you'll understand. It's only a light scolding though, she never ever raises her voice when you're around unless you need or want her to.

If she ever does raise her voice and it startles or frightens you, she will apologise, regardless of if you've done something wrong or not. It's never her intention to harm you, you've entrusted her to care for you and she will do anything in her power to achieve that goal.

If your fussiness is about certain clothes, textures, toys, etc, she absolutely doesn't mind exclusively getting you certain clothes or toys, and she won't be angry at all if you throw a tantrum over texture or taste, because she's fully aware it can be distressing to have an unfavourable texture of clothing of food.

Ororo will always ask questions about something before she gets it for you, after a while she knows pretty much all of your likes and dislikes.

She's a great cook and can switch the taste or texture in something with just a flick of her wrist, something she doesn't mind doing, especially if the food she's already making is something that causes a lot of stress.

[skullchicken]

How to crawl out of a deep dark hole of loneliness

In no particular order - and you might have to re-do some steps over and over until they take. This is written in a way I would have put it if I would address my past self. If you take umbrage with the tone, know it's not necessarily you I am talking to.

Take what applies, leave the rest.

Part 1 - Mindset

Understand the difference between being alone and being lonely

Being alone is being by yourself. Loneliness is a feeling of lacking social connections or lacking in social connections. You can be alone and peaceful and content, you can be lonely amongst people.

Grieve the abandonment you have received.

No-one deserves to be lonely. Not you, not anyone. Whatever the reason for your loneliness may be, that remains true. Process your feelings, have compassion with yourself.

Realize that social connection is something that you want from other people.

Realize that other people don't owe you connection.

No-one deserves loneliness, but no-one is owed connection either. It is a harsh truth, but one that must be understood.

Come to terms with the fact that since you want social connection, it will probably be on you to reach out and put yourself out there until relationships have been established (and maybe even then - some people are wonderful, but they aren't good at reaching out and never will be).

Give yourself space to feel afraid. Have compassion with yourself. Reaching out is hard. Putting yourself out there is hard.

Keep in mind that your threat response might be higher than the average person's.

If you have been lonely for a long time, chances are your social skills are dusty and your threat response is high as a result (or maybe due to past trauma or maybe that's just how you're wired).

Chances are good you are perceiving other people's reaction towards you more negatively than they intend it to be. This will slowly, slooowwwwwly vanish with practice. And I'm sorry that this is how it is right now. I recommend looking into getting a CBT app - e.g. MindShift. It's free and it really helped me. (Note: the app is for dealing with anxiety and focuses specifically on helping you to re-evaluate your thinking patterns)

It helps to approach people with curiosity and love in your heart

Misanthropy is understandable. It's also not helpful in the slightest. If all of humanity sucks, what use would it be to try and strike up a conversation with any one person? Why would I try to talk to them if I assume that they have nothing interesting to say?

You have had love in the past, there is no reason why there can't be love again. There is something good out there and it is on you to find it.

[redroomreflections]

Gentle Hands Chapter 3

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Natasha suspects Reader is in an abusive relationship and tries to convince her to leave

3/10

W/c: 5.1k

Warning: Domestic violence

Masterlist | General Masterlist

Note: Yes, I have a lot of WIPS sue me!

Natasha grew up in a facility with twenty-three other girls. She worked tirelessly to be the best in her generation. Not because she wanted to but because she had to. She woke up every single day with the same goals in mind. To train, to learn, to fight. She ate with the girls, attended Red Room’s version of schooling with them, and even befriended a few. This didn’t work out in much of the way she wanted. She experienced loss at a young age. To progress, she had to kill the other girls in her class. She had to become numb or she would fall. She went through hell and back just to come out on top. She understands how it feels to be an asset to someone that doesn’t see a person as anything more than that. She understands. She’s lived her version of hell.

As she grew and her life took on different paths so did her mindset. She was taken under Clint’s wing. She became close with him and his wife. Rarely did she ever allow herself to love. With Clint it was easy. He didn’t berate her. He didn’t hurt her. He only pushed her to be the best version of herself that she could be. Which sounds cheesy but it’s helped her immensely. She was always evolving and she could see that now. Each moment in her life changed her for the better or the worse.

This time for Natasha, it was the very moment she picked you up. She didn’t mind the late-night pickup. She didn’t care that you called. She’s used to being able to jump up in a flash. All she wanted was for you to be safe. She wanted Kaia to be safe. The anger coursing through her seeing your face scared her. To see you so exhausted. Bloody and bruised. It was an unimaginable sadness. How could someone do that to a person they claim to love? How could they live with themselves?

It’s a recurring thought that Natasha tries to put to rest. She knows why. She’s seen monsters. She’s watched them with her own eyes commit atrocities you wouldn’t believe. This particular situation put her at a disadvantage. She’s not sure how to help you. She’s not sure if you’ll even want to stay. What she does know is that she needs to make your time here comfortable. The recovery won’t be easy but she has to do something.

Natasha woke up with a purpose. She started her morning routine feeding Liho. She moved around the kitchen with swift steps as she prepared his meal. Next was brushing her teeth and skincare. She doesn’t have some twelve-step routine but she likes giving herself that care. She uses the half bathroom to not disturb you and Kaia. Once she’s done she goes back into the kitchen to go over her next steps.

She opened the refrigerator cursing to herself at finding the shelves bare. It’s only ever been her to step inside of this apartment. She doesn’t have visitors. She doesn’t let people over. She certainly doesn’t tell anyone where she stays. The only one to know the existence of this place is Ricky Mason and maybe Nick Fury. That man had a way of knowing everything. He was almost as good as her. She took a mental note to ask what you liked to eat.

She prepared herself a cup of tea while searching through her drawers for a pen and pad. Once she found a working Inkpen and a blank sheet on the pad she walked over to her couch to sit. She didn’t flinch when Liho jumped to sit on the headrest beside her head. She presses the pen to her lip and thinks about what to get first. She’s never had to shop for anyone else. She’s never had to think about anyone else but herself.

Natasha reaches for her phone only having one person to call.

She presses the phone, bringing it to her ear to listen. It’s 9 am. Laura and Clint will be up. Laura answers the phone on the second ring.

“Natasha?” Laura questions.

“Hey, do you have a second?” Natasha asks.

“Yes, Clint is out with the kids right now. Did you want to speak with him ?”

“No, actually, I wanted your advice.” Natasha stares down at the pad. She scribbles the title “Shopping” at the top of the page. “I have a friend here and I need to do a bit of shopping.”

“Oh, okay.” Laura doesn’t even try to hide her surprise. She’s never known Natasha to have friends outside of her small circle.

“She’s just leaving a tough situation and she has a baby. She’s - Kaia is one I think.” Natasha guesses based on memory. “They don’t have much right now and I wanted to get them started. I guess I just want to know where to start.”

Laura is more than happy to help. She sees her as a younger sister even though they’re only a few years apart. If Natasha is coming to her for advice then it’s something serious. It’s something she cares about.

“Well, first I would check the little one’s diaper size. I doubt she’s potty trained yet,” Laura lists off. Natasha writes it on the pad. She listens to the items as if it’s the most important information. “Then I would go for clothes. I would start with the basics. Onesies, t-shirts, pants. Does she have a jacket or coat? I know it’s getting chilly in New York.”

“No, neither of them did. I don’t think she was able to grab it when I picked them up.” Natasha bites her lip nervously.

“Well they’re both going to need one,” Laura wants to ask questions. She’s curious but she doesn’t want Natasha to shut down. “I would ask her mom but usually I get the kids’ jackets a size bigger for them to grow into. They grow quickly.” Natasha writes this down too. She knows nothing about babies outside of helping with Lila, Cooper, and now Nathaniel.

“What about the food? Can she eat what we eat or does she need special food? She has a few teeth I think.” Natasha sets the pen down. She does remember feeding Kaia the muffin but further than that she’s clueless. “Do you think I’m overdoing it?”

“She’s well over the age to start eating solids so I bet she does,” Laura guesses. “I think you’re a good friend and whomever this person maybe, she is lucky to have you, Natasha. Sounds like she means a lot to you.”

Natasha breathes a sigh of relief. She holds the phone allowing herself to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. She can’t quite describe it.

“They mean a lot to me, Laur,” Natasha admits. “I’ve never.” She doesn’t want to voice her insecurity. She feels she may be way in over her head. What if she can’t give you the full support that you need? What if you decide that this isn’t what you want? She’s not expecting you to jump into a relationship with her. She made that clear last night. Her support isn’t based on contingencies. She’s not that kind of person. She will respect your wishes if you decided to live on your own somewhere. She only wants you safe. Your safety is number one.

“I know, Nat.” Laura empathizes.

“She’s going through something with her boyfriend,” Natasha looks up at the ceiling. She blinks away the tears in her eyes and clears her throat. “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m just so mad. He hurt her.”

“Oh, Natasha,” Laura says. She listens as Natasha repositions the phone against her ear. “If she came to you then she was confident that you would know what to do. I don’t think she will expect much from you. She just needs support and safety right now.”

Natasha nods before realizing Laura can’t see her.

“It won’t be easy for her. Don’t lose faith.”

“I won’t,” Natasha is sure of it. She’s not going to give up on you. She couldn’t. Not when her heart is in it. It terrifies her. She feels so strongly for you in such a short amount of time. It’s a feeling that sends her flying while also wanting to make her run. She’s not going to run. She won’t do that. “Is there more that I should get? Toys and things like that?”

“Toys, books, blankets. How long do you plan on them staying?”

“For as long as they need,” Natasha replies. She means it.

“Well then, go ahead and grab a pen and paper because you’re going to need a list.”

Natasha picks up the pen again to begin writing down everything Laura relays to her. She didn’t realize taking care of a baby required so much. She’s not clueless. She’s just never had to think about any of this. When she's done talking to Laura she hangs up feeling so much lighter. She makes quick work of opening her laptop and finding the best grocery delivery websites. Then she goes to a baby website. There’s a place that could deliver things today. It takes her over an hour to shop for everything. She gets the basics in hopes to talk with you later about other necessities.

**********

She closes her laptop feeling accomplished. After throwing an extra hefty tip the groceries would be delivered in the next hour. The baby’s clothes and other items would be here around the same time. Now that that’s done she has to find something to occupy herself with. She drinks the rest of her now cool tea before standing to dump it in the kitchen sink. She looks around the room. It’s a bachelorette pad. It’s bare. She doesn’t decorate. It’s not her thing. There are not even pictures on the wall.

Natasha finds herself bored. She doesn’t want to leave you both in the apartment just yet. She would usually be at the tower by now finishing up a workout. Deciding to come to check on you, she walks down the hallway to peek inside. You’re still asleep. You must be pretty exhausted. After the night you’ve had it’s only right for you to rest as much as you can. Natasha is just about to walk back to the living room when a small head lifts from the bed. Kaia pushes herself up onto her knees. She whimpers, unaware of her new surroundings before she finds you a few feet away from her. She taps at your shoulder to no avail.

Natasha debates on whether or not she should take her. Would she cry? Technically she doesn’t even know Natasha. She steps inside of the bedroom, Kaia’s eyes quickly finding hers.

“Hi,” Natasha says softly. Kaia watches as she approaches the bed. She raises her arms to be picked up by Natasha. Another grown-up was good enough. “Your mama is still sleeping. You must be hungry.” Natasha helps the toddler into her arms. She practically melts when Kaia lies her head on her shoulder. Weighting a baby and feeling how real she is. It’s weird, to say the least. There are remnants of sleep as she breathes against Natasha’s neck. “Let’s go find something for you to eat.” Natasha finds it a bit silly to be talking to herself but Kaia seems to be a great listener. She pads out of the bedroom to go to the kitchen. Liho is drinking from his bowl when Kaia spots him. She raises her head, watching him in interest, but making no move to leave Natasha’s arms.

“That’s Liho,” Natasha crouches down to introduce them. “He’s a cat.”

“Cat?” Kaia mimics. She reaches a hand out to pet Liho. Her touch is rough and she grabs at his fur. Natasha raises her hand to free Liho from Kaia’s hold. The cat quickly makes his exit.

“Gentle, baby,” Natasha instructs her.

Kaia wiggles from Natasha’s arms to slide onto the ground. She crawls over to Liho’s water bowl. She immediately smashes her hand into the bowl in an attempt to pour the water into her mouth. Natasha gasps, pulling the bowl away from her and picking Kaia up. Okay, so she had a few things to learn.

“Are you thirsty sweet girl?” Natasha laughs. She sure hopes you won’t be angry at this little mishap. She stands with Kaia to turn to grab a bottle of water in the fridge. She opens it and holds it out to Kaia. Kaia’s arms leave Natasha’s shoulders to take the bottle with both hands. She immediately guzzles down the water, swallowing harshly. Suddenly, she lets go of the bottle prematurely, spilling much of the water on her shirt. She gasps and coughs. Natasha takes the bottle to set it on the counter while patting her back to help her through. Kaia coughs harshly one more time before giving Natasha a surprised look. “Okay, I am so glad I added baby cups to that list.” Natasha shakes her head. Kaia rubs her hand against her belly. She’s not very happy with her messy shirt. Liho makes a reappearance this time to purr against Natasha’s legs.

“Cat!” Kaia calls out to Liho.

“No, no cat, let’s find something to eat.” Natasha finds a small box of cheerios in the cabinets that she can share. She eats them from time to time. Without a proper chair for the girl, she sits at the table with Kaia on her lap. She foregoes milk and places the cheerios in a bowl. She allows Kaia to eat with her hands while she sends a text to Steve and the rest of the team. She’s positive Steve and Sam told everyone else the situation with you. Everyone sends well wishes and hopes to see you soon. Natasha is pulled from her messaging when Kaia holds up a cheerio in the palm of her hand. She places it against Natasha’s lips and the redhead opens her mouth with a smile.

Were kids always this cute?

“That’s for you,” Natasha tells her but Kaia has other plans. In between feeding herself, she will give Natasha a cheerio. Natasha would take it gratefully. She scrolls through her emails while making sure Kaia eats all of her food. Finally, after the better part of an hour, Kaia pushes the plate away. She’s ready to play. There’s a knock at the front door and Natasha knows it’s the delivery. She asked for no contact and as she peeks through the peephole she knows they followed orders. Kaia waits patiently on the kitchen floor as Natasha brings in the bags. She might have gone overboard with the amount of food. Kaia peeks through the bags with new curiosity. She finds a can of food that she tosses on the ground. She enjoys the loud noises.

Natasha takes the can away and replaces it with a wooden spoon for her to smash against the floor. Kaia happily takes it and taps it haphazardly against the cabinets. There’s another knock at the door. Natasha quickly takes the packages and tosses them to the side. She doesn’t want to leave Kaia for too long. Deciding the toddler is occupied for long enough, she sets out on putting the groceries away.

************

When you finally awaken it’s with a stiffness in your back that you find all too familiar. Your lip still feels a bit sore and you could feel nausea at the forefront of your mind. You wait a few seconds to gather yourself before standing from the bed. The only thing on your mind is to pee. You rush to the bathroom to do your business. You can hear a slight banging coming from the front of the apartment. That’s where Kaia must be. Briefly, your mind wonders if this is all a dream. Did you leave? Did you get away? You find the extra toothbrush left for you. You brush your teeth bent over the sink. You don’t want to look. You don’t want to see how bad it is. Looking would only serve as a reminder. Only this serves to be hard when you need to wash your face. You stand straighter to look at yourself. It’s not as bad as you thought. Certainly not something that should have happened. The apple of your cheek is a purplish color but isn’t scary. Your lip is split and you’re hoping with time it heals. You don’t think you need stitches so hopefully, there’s no scar. You don’t know how long you stand there. You just look at yourself wondering how you ever became this person.

Why did you allow him to do that to you? Why weren’t you strong enough? A squeal from the kitchen pulls you from your thoughts. Kaia is depending on you. She’s depending on you to do better and be better. Even if all you want to do is climb back into the bed and hide under the covers you don’t. She needs you.

You leave the bathroom to follow the sounds of the banging. You are a bit surprised to find the endearing scene in front of you.

Natasha is sitting with her back against the cabinets as Kaia plays with pots and pans in front of her. Occasionally she will give a tap much to Kaia’s delight. You watch them with a smile. You glance over to the time on the stove. 11 A.M. You slept for so long. For some reason, you feel like most of your day is wasted. Natasha laughs at something Kaia does.

“What’s all this?” You ask startling them both. You point over to the packages waiting by the front door. Natasha lifts her head, her eyes following your finger, and then back to you.

“They’re supplies,” She says simply.

“Supplies?” You repeat back. You round the counter to Kaia putting the wooden spoon into her mouth again. Natasha quickly takes it from her much to her disappointment.

“For you and Kaia,” Natasha says. Your eyes widen.

“Natasha, no, I can’t pay you back,” You frown.

“You don’t need to,” She shakes her head. “You need things. Besides, I used Tony’s credit card.” She shrugs with a hint of amusement. You find yourself smiling back. It was always fun to use Tony Starks money. You crouch down to sit on your bottom next to Kaia. She looks over to you before continuing to play with the pots.

“Thank you, Nat.” You say. “I take it they know?”

“I had to tell them,” Natasha gauges your reaction. You nod. Of course, she did. “If they’re going to be your support system they had to know a little bit. Only the important details. That you and Kaia got out and now you’re staying with me.”

You think about that. “Thank you.” Natasha doesn’t respond. She would do it all again if you asked.

“Nat,” You run a hand over Kaia’s head smoothing down her hair. “About last night when... I kissed you.” She tilts her head. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you had to do that. I wasn’t in the right headspace and we’ve never even talked about anything past us. I mean technically I’m still with Keith. Not really. I don’t know. I left and I was here and I was just feeling so many emotions and it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t trying to repay you with sex. At least, not intentionally. So, in short, I’m sorry for putting you in that situation.”

Natasha listens to your rambling so patiently, She lets you get out your thoughts without any judgment. You’re realizing you don’t like that she has such a good poker face. If she was thinking something she doesn’t say it. She simply waits until you’re done.

“First, you didn’t put me in any situation I didn’t want to be in,” Natasha begins. She sits up straighter against the counters. “ I kissed you back. I would think the blame would be more on me for letting it happen when you’re so upset.”

“Nat,” You begin and this time she interrupts.

“I know it’s going to take a while for you to be okay. Let yourself feel everything. It may be confusing. You might even still have feelings for him. Let it happen. I’m right here every step of the way.” She promises.

“Is that fair to you?” You move to bite your lip until you remember the injury. “I’m sitting here crying, bruised, and pregnant with another man’s baby. You’re showing me all of this grace and I don’t deserve it. Why are you being so patient with me?” Your eyes drop to the floor to avoid crying. You’d rather not cry anymore.

“Because you deserve it,” Natasha says firmly. “You deserve patience and kindness. It doesn’t matter what’s fair to me. I’m not going to take advantage of you. Not now and not ever.” You nod.

“Thank you,” You whisper.

“Besides, I am not helping you with the expectation of a relationship.” Natasha asserted. She twirls the spoon around in her hand. “I’m helping you because I care about you. And Kaia.” The silence between the two of you speaks volumes. You’re allowing her words to settle inside of you while she hangs on to her last bit of sanity. She won’t admit it but she’s scared too. She’s terrified of her feelings.

“Your shirt’s all wet,” You notice Kaia’s drenched outfit.

“Yeah we may have had a couple of incidents earlier,” Natasha manages to look guilty.

“It happens, kids are messy.” You say nonchalantly.

“I bought clothes and diapers for her. I hope that’s okay.” Natasha gestures towards the packages.

“It’s fine.”

“Let’s open them,” Natasha stands to grab the first packages for you. She steps over the many pots and pans. Kaia’s eyes follow her with deep interest.

“Do you like Natasha baby bird?” You whisper into her ear. She taps against the pans again and you cringe. Natasha’s neighbors probably wouldn’t be too happy with the noise. Natasha comes back with the first two packages while kicking a box of diapers along the floor. She stops in front of you to open the drawer next to your head. There she finds a box cutter.

“How were you able to get all of this stuff on short notice?”

“I know a guy,” Natasha smirks. She opens the boxes and sets them down between you. “I hope everything fits her. I called in a friend to ask about babies since she has three.” Natasha confesses.

“Well your friend is very good at baby knowledge,” You search through the box. The diaper size is right. “I’m going to go change her quick,” You say while grabbing Kaia. Her shirt is soaked.

“I’m going to put these things away,” Natasha says. “I only have one bedroom so the hall closet will have to do for now.” She begins to put the extras away while leaving out the toys and other necessities she bought. You set Kaia onto a towel on the bed and pull her pants off first. Then you tug the buttons of her onesie. She isn’t much help as you maneuver her around to put on a fresh diaper. The sizing is perfect. Then you grab one of the new t-shirts and a pair of baby sweatpants that are simply adorable. Natasha’s style of choice was cute and it clearly shows that she hand-picked these items.

“Kaia, Mama’s new friend is nice,” You whisper to the toddler. She looks up at you as if she understands. “I know right now I like her. She’s been so helpful. When you meet the team you’ll get to see that they’re all pretty cool people.” Once Kaia is fully dressed you walk back into the living room where Natasha is looking at a giant box. A playpen.

Her hands are on her hips as she sports a look of concentration. How was she going to build this?

“I wouldn’t even bother until later,” You tell her. She drops her hands. She would get it done.

You sit with Kaia on the couch and she follows.

“I made a list of things you needed,” She hands the pen and pad to you. “I don’t know if there’s anything else you need but I figured we could look together.” You look down at the pad. Everything seemed pretty straightforward. “I was wondering about a few important things. Y/n, do you plan on reporting what happened ?” You stop breathing for a second. Kaia wriggles in your arms to be put down. She wants to touch the new toys that are on the floor. You let her go as you’re too busy trying to understand the question.

“Report him?” It feels thick on your tongue. You hadn’t thought that far ahead. “I can’t… I won’t.” Reporting Keith would open up an entirely new can of worms. He’d be in trouble. He’d be so pissed. You don’t want to involve the police in your problems. It’s not worth it.

“Have you thought about that at all?” Natasha dips her head to get you to look at her. You shake your head no. “Y/n, I’m not trying to preach to you but I think it’s something we have to do.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s still out there. He hurt you.”

“He can’t find me,” You say sullenly.

“I know that,” Natasha says. “Sam says it’s important to have a paper trail. For evidence. If he were to try and get custody of Kaia there may be a fight. He could win.”

“Because he’s Keith,” You say. “He has money and good resources and a job. I have none of that. If I report it he’s going to hate me, Natasha. You don’t understand.”

“I do,” Natasha helps to open the toy Kaia brings her. “I understand very well that we could have lost you. I understand that he hurt you and he hurt Kaia. I understand that you are pregnant, Y/n. If you were to go back to him it could be deadly for you and the baby.” Your hand flies to your abdomen.

“I know, I know,” You shake your head. “I know. I just… I don’t want to do that. I don’t want people to know. It’s not. He didn't put me in the hospital. It’s not…”

“How long until he does though?” Natasha isn’t trying to be a bitch. She’s not trying to force you to do something you don’t want. She only wants you to see how serious this situation is.

“Can I think about it?” You look down at your hands. “The rational part of my brain knows what you’re saying. The other part just doesn’t know up from down right now. I didn’t even think I would leave. I never thought I would leave. Can I just have time?”

“Of course, dorogaya.” Natasha says softly.

“You must think I’m stupid.”

“I don’t. I could never.” She moves to close the distance between you. She shows you her hands first before bringing them to your face to wipe your tears away. “None of this is your fault. None of it.” She presses a kiss against your forehead.

“Thank you,” You sigh. Kaia chooses that moment to come to stand between you. She presses her palms against each of your legs to step up on the tip of her toes. She looks at you curiously, noticing the sad look on your face. That’s when you’re reminded why you left. Keith puts his hands on her. Making her cry like that? It’s something you can never forget. “Mama’s okay, baby bird.” Kaia pats your arm and you pick her up. She sits on your lap before turning to Natasha.

“Nat, I don’t think I can have another baby,” You say suddenly. “I never really thought I would get pregnant. I... I don’t know if that’s what I want. We never used protection. He didn’t like it. I just… I never thought I would become this person.”

“What are you thinking?” Natasha asks. She’s still so close that you can smell her soap. It smells fresh and clean.

“I don’t know,” You answer truthfully. “I’m not big on abortion. It’s not. I’m not against it but I just. I don’t know if I could do that. Doesn’t he deserve to know?”

“It’s what you choose,” Natasha presses. “No one else’s opinion matters. Not mine. Not Steve’s. Certainly not Keith’s. It’s your body.”

“When I found out I was devastated,” You rub Kaia’s leg as she takes your left hand into hers. “I couldn't help but think now I was going to be stuck forever. Now I was subjecting another kid to his treatments. Now I’m here and I don’t know. I just… I don’t know how I could ever take care of two babies.”

Natasha doesn’t give her opinion. She doesn’t have one worth sharing. She doesn’t think it’s valuable. She can’t have children. The Red Room made sure that wasn’t a problem for her a long time ago. She’s not going to influence you into doing something you’re unsure of. All she can do is support your decision and be there for you..

“Y/n, I think you should do whatever you feel is best for you and your situation,” She starts.

“It’s crazy,” You wipe a tear away before it can leave your eyes. “For years I’ve only had his opinion. I’ve only done what he wants me to. Now I’m here with this big decision and I don’t know what to do.”

“You will learn again,” Natasha rests her hand on your knee. “You will learn.” Her words feel encouraging and soothing. You would learn how to be human again. You would learn how to think for yourself and do the things in life you wanted. These things took time and probably a lot of therapy. Natasha receives a notification from her phone and she reaches across the coffee table to check it. When she unlocks the phone to view the message she’s frowning.

“Dear God,” She mutters.

“What?” You ask curiously.

She presses play on the video sent to her phone. She doesn’t think she should show this to you.

“Natasha, what?” You ask again.

Finally, she turns the phone towards you. It’s a screen recording of a surveillance camera.

“It’s Keith, he’s outside of the tower.” Natasha turns up the audio on her phone.

“The Avengers are aiding in the kidnapping of my baby,” He yells into the street.

Dear God indeed. What was he doing?

----- > next part

[msallurea]

It's Okay to Feel Okay

Ok so recently, specifically a few days ago I had deleted tumblr for a bit to get my mind together. I had wanted to manifest my dream life because I'll be taking senior pics on the 31st and honestly I was fed up with myself with not genuinely applying knowing that I wanted to live a certain way. There was a post that I had seen I can't remember the name right now but I did reblog it, it was "how to make everything sugar spice and everything nice" or something like that. One particular post caught my attention and it the "what if I don't persist" post and it DEFINITELY gave me a reality check, I feel like those who know pretty much everything there is to know about manifestation but aren't genuinely applying it should for sure read that because it definitely knocked sense into me. I had also been reading a lot of posts from @etherealkissed88 also i highly recommended reading her stuff if you ever want a rundown of the law that's quick and straight to the point. Something I noticed I continuously did which is what caused me to always have anxiety when manifesting was focusing on the 3d/my desire being in the 3d on time. So I decided to actually change my perspective and just tell myself since it's done in the 4d I don't have to worry about it not being in the 3d because itll reflect anyway..I've also been adopting the mindset of simply knowing it's finished IN IMAGINATION ONLY!! ...Now, since doing this, for maybe the past few days I haven't felt the need to affirm or visualize or anything, I mean I'd daydream here and there but it's kinda just like "eh I have it anyway so whatever" and let me tell you..as someone who constantly stressed on whether or not I was doing something right and worrying about when it will come and everything else this is the CALMEST and most NONCHALANT I've ever been about manifestation before. Like even now, when I would've tried sabatoging myself saying I HAVE to affirm especially because I do know I am a bit anxious about manifesting my dream life because I definitely want it before my big day which btw I feel like is perfectly fine to acknowledge. But honestly I just don't want to. I don't want to affirm. I don't want to visualize constantly. Because the entire point is that if I say it's already done in imagination and I see that I'm living my dream life in imagination truly there's nothing else for me to do but continuously choose that I'm living my dream life already. Something else that's had me feeling this way is when @etherealkissed88 mentioned that we aren't trying to convince ourselves we have it in the 3d..to be that way is being delusional, we're only accepting that it's already done in IMAGINATION aka the 4d. Since taking this into consideration I've been scarily calm,normally I would've been stressed and spiraling and even now when I "waver" when I see myself in the mirror it's just like a "eh whatever..nothing I do in the 3d affects my manifestation anyway so it doesn't matter" kind of feeling. And I just want anyone who is also experiencing this feeling where you feel as though you just don't want to do anything for your desire and it's just like a "eh whatever I have it in imagination anyway" kind of feeling IT. IS. OK and you are doing just fine. The whole point is the first place is making your desire feel NATURAL to you and if you feeling natural is you not really feeling anything and it's just a "oh it's done" then you are doing just fine if you have the feeling as if you "don't want your desire anymore" that's also fine, I can guarantee if your desire was fulfilled would you still feel like you wanted it or be stressed? I doubt it..just as the example is, I have a phone, I know I have a phone. Even if my phone wasn't in my hand right now I still know I have a phone. That is the feeling, that is the acceptance. Even if it isn't right there in front of you, you already have it because you accepted that you do.

[voxofthevoid]

Like I said in my preliminary post about the chapter, my initial impression of JJK 268 was positive but lukewarm—kind of “okay, that’s decent but full of holes.” Then I made the mistake of thinking about it too much, and now my opinion is more like “that’s ass actually.”

Unflattering assessment of JJK 268 and the current state of the story to follow—stop reading here if you don’t want to see that.

There were two things I liked—and still like, to a certain extent—about the chapter: Yuuji’s final conversation with Sukuna and Gojou’s final letters. But past the initial approval, I’m finding severe issues with those as well.

The Letters

To tackle the lesser evil first, the letters are quite in character for Gojou, and the one to Megumi is on point. It’s perfect. The one to Nobara is where it falls apart. Her mother is a non-entity; her entire flashback has focused on her friendships, with Saori in particular. Her family is absent from the page/screen, and all we get are passing mentions hinting at her family dynamics. So why the fuck is that what Gojou’s letter focuses on?

I know the answer; there’s nothing else for him to tell her. They’re not close and barely know each other, so there’s no substance to their relationship the way there is with Gojou and Yuuji or Gojou and Megumi. What would have made a good letter to her was Saori’s address/number—but Gojou can’t reasonably give her that because there’s no feasible way he’d have known about Saori. Nobara sure as shit wouldn’t have told him. So it feels like Gege tacked on information about a random absent mother because the letter had to say something and this complements Megumi’s letter. It just falls flat as fuck because nobody cares, least of all Nobara herself.

What I think could have worked without having Gojou act out of character was a joke or some bullshit about her coma—something that shows his faith/hope that she’d wake up and be well without becoming emotional or trite. They weren’t close, but she was still a student he cared for. There are ways to show that without pulling a random family member into the equation.

Sukuna and Yuuji

Where do I even start?

In isolation, I adored the conversation they had at the end. It allows both of their personalities as well as their relationship to shine and stay true to themselves while delivering a powerful final exchange. There are several angles to it that fascinate me, especially the contrast between how nightmarish Yuuji's offer truly is and how tenderly he proposes it.

But how the fuck did they get there?

Specifically, how’d Yuuji go from trying to rip out Sukuna’s heart at the end of JJK 260 to being willing to give Sukuna a second chance to be his prisoner/companion until their mutual death? JJK 265 and even 266 lay out his reasoning, but how and when did he get to that point? Yuuji’s final attitude toward Sukuna has both empathy and sympathy: (i) he realizes that he and Sukuna were both shouldering curses out of their control and that it may have been nurture as much as nature that made them what they are, and (ii) he believes that Sukuna deserves a chance to be more than a cursed existence.

We never see why or how he develops these beliefs. A throwaway line from Sukuna about being a wretched child isn’t enough for Yuuji to write Heian era fanfiction in his head; frankly, Yuuji’s not the type. The only option is the much-referenced but so-far unused “resonance” giving Yuuji actual insights into Sukuna’s emotions or backstory, but we don’t see that. We don’t even get hints of that. Yuuji’s willing to tear Sukuna apart and then he’s willing to coexist with him. Forget missing steps, there’s an entire missing floor here.

I’m all for stories that require the reader to engage in inference and analysis, but you still need solid material to prompt such conclusions. JJK is lacking that. There are hints of it. You can squint and see the building blocks of Yuuji’s eventual mindset. But it feels like entire chapters are missing between his attitude in 260 and 265 and also between 265 and 268.

The Fingers

You know how Sukuna’s death only being possible via a vessel has been a driving factor behind the entire plot? Well, I guess we can just ignore that. Just pull him out and let him disintegrate as a lump—problem solved. Even the remaining finger isn’t a problem anymore! That’d have made sense given it’s still only one finger—although even one-finger Sukuna is immensely powerful and might be an issue in the future, if the next generations are weaker than the current one. But instead, it’s framed as that finger not even having the power to connect to Sukuna’s soul at all. Even that’s acceptable in isolation, except this entire thing contradicts how the fingers and Sukuna’s existence have been framed until this point.

Just a few chapters ago, Sukuna was vomiting up fingers as the connection between his soul and Megumi’s body was assaulted. Hell, he swallowed them right back. The natural conclusion here would be that tearing him from Megumi’s body would result in four fingers—Yuuji’s little finger and three original Sukuna fingers—containing some 95% of Sukuna’s soul/power. It also meant someone would need to die to vanquish Sukuna because a vessel was necessary. The question was whether it’d be Megumi or Yuuji.

The answer, apparently, is that you don’t need a vessel at all. Yuuji’s offer to him is framed as him giving Sukuna grace—sure, he’d be caged in and then die with Yuuji sooner or later, likely sooner, but Yuuji's still offering him a longer life. And then Sukuna dies without a vessel. So what was the point of it all? The change is flimsily justified while contradicting the very premise of the story, and not only does it make Sukuna’s end underwhelming, but it also cheapens all the pain and horror until this point.

Tonal Dissonance

This chapter feels like two halves of two different chapters stitched together. Compare the aftermath of the Shibuya Incident to this aftermath—where’s the gravity, the grief? The end of the battle doesn’t get time to settle before the trio are back together, healed and happy.

Happy endings and tragic endings are both good endings—when they’re well crafted and cohesive. And JJK hasn’t ended yet, but the battle with Sukuna did, and we jump right into an aftermath that has no respect for the severity and devastation of the fight that preceded it. Seeing Yuuji, Megumi, and Nobara happy makes me feel nothing; it doesn’t even seem part of the same story. We see no hints of Megumi or Nobara really acknowledging everything that happened while they were possessed and unconscious, respectively. There’s no real sense of consequence either, which is just jarring after all the character deaths and associated emotions in the previous chapters.

The thing is, I think this could have been mitigated by shifting Megumi’s waking and what follows into a new chapter. It wouldn’t fix the timeline issues—it looks like Megumi’s waking several hours, maybe a day or two max, after the fight ended—but it’d be less abrupt. Follow Uraume’s death with a long pan of Shinjuku and maybe snapshots of what the survivors are up to: Yuuji gathering up Megumi’s conscious body; the state of Yuuta, Toudou, and Hana, as well as the remaining sorcerers who were involved in the fight; a quick look at the colonies and the incarnated/awakened sorcerers Kenjaku didn’t manage to kill. Just something to let the end of the fight sink in—a proper transition.

Honestly, I feel like Gege’s ticking off a few boxes in their outline to get this story done with. Maybe it’s burnout, maybe it’s loss of interest; I don’t know. But the end result is that there’s the shape of a story—an arc, an ending—that could have been incredible but is instead a sad, disintegrating lump on the ground, much like Sukuna was in the end.

There are three more chapters, so I assume some of my remaining questions or issues will be addressed, like the terms of the Kenjaku–Sukuna binding vow, the state of Japanese society, the fate of the surviving CG players and the CG itself, the Tengen fetus that’s presumably still inside Megumi, etc. They may even address some of the inconsistencies and ambiguities raised above. But this entire arc has already suffered from an excess of post-hoc explanations, and more of that won’t really make it a stronger or better story.