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#it’s not even something in particular. it’s just a mindset. a feeling i have now
motheyes · 2 years
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man. i’m so fucking torn up
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Not to be a downer, but I actually finished my novel and now I’m confused because I don’t want to publish it. I don’t even particularly want anyone other than maybe my two close friends to even read it. What on Earth did I write 40k words (which I know is not really long enough for a novel, but it’s still far and away the longest thing I’ve ever written) for? I know people say “write for yourself” but like… am I just wasting my time? Help?
(p.s. you can leave this off anon)
(p.p.s your blog is really great 👍)
There's No Such Thing as Wasted Writing
I'm going to tackle this two ways...
#1 - "Write For Yourself" - there's a reason this common phrase has echoed through the Hall of Writers since time immemorial. It's because it's true! Writing doesn't have to be anything more than a pastime. It doesn't have to be anything more than something you do for your own benefit and enjoyment.
I have an in-joke with family members about how any time one of us does something the least bit crafty, DIY, skilled, whatever, a particular family member will always say, "You did a great job! You should do it for a living!" Like, someone can't even crochet a Kawaii mushroom without being pressured to turn it into an Etsy dynasty, or paint a cabinet without being pressured to become the next Property Brothers. And that's such a BANANAS capitalistic mindset, isn't it? This idea that nothing can be done purely for our own enjoyment. That you can't just write a novel because you want to... you can only write it if you plan to share it or publish it? It's just so silly.
And, the thing is, we don't even apply that mentality to a lot of other things people do purely for enjoyment. No one is streaming all of Bridgerton in two nights and saying, "I enjoyed every second of that, but why did I do that? Such a waste of time!" No one spends an hour strumming their guitar under the stars on a beach, and then says, "That was so relaxing and fun, but I didn't charge for that performance and I didn't record it to sell it, so that was obviously a waste of time."
You know what I mean?
#2 - And Anyway, Practice Makes Perfect - And if you keep writing--even if you continue not to share or publish--you'll get better and better with each story you write. Which, maybe all that means is you get to appreciate your own improvement, but also, should you ever change your mind and decide to write something to share or publish, you've now spent time honing your skills. Even if those other stories never see the light of day, they're still an important foundation of the writer you become. Do you know how many unpublished novellas, novels, and short stories I have? Too many to count. Hundreds of fan-fiction and original fiction short stories I've only shared with one or two other people, if anyone. A dozen or so novels and novellas that have only been read by a few people, and some haven't been read by anyone else or have only been read by my CPs. I would never consider those stories and novels and novellas to be a waste of time, because I know every single one made me a better writer. My published work is better because I wrote those other things.
So, I hope that makes you feel better. At the very least you hopefully enjoyed writing your novel--or at least got something out of it--and you definitely honed your writing skills, which matters! ♥
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whatbigotspost · 1 year
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Every time I hear someone much older than me talking about how their shame about their bodies and weight have robbed them of all kinds of fun experiences and simple joys and delights in life, it breaks my fucking heart. Older women, in particular, have been shamed into and forced into (and perpetuated themselves) so many stupid narratives about what one "can't do" if you look a certain way. Sometimes they don't even notice it...they'll just casually be saying something like, "I would have loved to play volleyball back in school but this big ass wasn't going to look right in those shorts tee hee" and I'm like that's??? actually??? tragic???????? Especially when it's something they COULD still pursue or try but they've got a fixed mindset about it.
My 84 year old aunt really spent all of her 30s-60s believing that she COULDN'T just put on a swimsuit and enjoy the water in the summer. I have so many memories of this mindset affecting her all summer. Just casually existing by a pool in a swimsuit was something that women who looked like her Could Not Do. This is someone who broke so many gender barriers in her field, who was a pioneer and a bad ass, but who held herself back from something she truly enjoyed for DECADES because she's fat. A couple of years ago she told me how stupid she feels having thought like that now that her age has changed her mobility and safety in going to a pool and it's no longer literally possible for her to do so.
She bought the bullshit and deprived herself of happiness when it was possible, so she lost her chance at hundreds of moments of simple enjoyment she now looks back on sadly.
Really sadly.
I think this is a topic where we can literally see a huge generational change among society right now. The bitchy boomer who says something like, "oh she should NOT be wearing that" when a happy, chunky Gen Zer bops by in a crop top sounds like the death rattles of an ancient relic to most of us in younger generations. After we get over the overt hate that surges when we hear things like that, most of us can see right through that prickly exterior into the deeply damaged, sad, and vulnerable person inside who is the one that's the real problem in the equation.
And yet, while it can be easy to think, "Thank god I'm not like THAT" none of us are truly immune to the messages that are blasted in our faces all the time that still shame fatness and make us feel like we owe society a certain kind of "beauty."
Just keep an eye out for any limiting beliefs you have that are depriving you from joy and delight you want and need. As anyone like my aunt could tell you, you won't someday look back and think, "I sure am glad I didn't do what made me happy all those years!"
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ramshacklefey · 7 months
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Something I've been trying to articulate to myself for a while here, but I wish there were more discussion about the particular experiences of trans men who are attracted to men. Especially the way that it relates to our experiences before coming out and during transition.
A lot of the conversations I see online and in academia focus on the experiences and overlap between trans men and butch lesbians, which is just not a narrative that resonates with me. There has been no point in my life at which I identified as a lesbian, or even as particularly attracted to women in general (something something sexuality is complicated). And it is only recently that I've really been able to let myself jive with being a butch man.
So, what did that experience look like for me?
It looked like trying desperately to perform the right kind of femininity so that straight guys would be attracted to me. Admittedly, it was a "not like other girls" sort of femininity, but I suspect a lot of trans guys and straight women will understand me when I say that this particular kind of femininity is still... very constricting. You gotta be "tough" of course, and have the right sorts of interests, and not care too much about your looks, but at the end of the day still be pretty, not too loud, and pretty willing to give ground for straight men to feel cool. You absolutely cannot be butch, because butch is for lesbians, and you want to be attractive to men.
And then I came out, and now I was a man, so I was free of all of that, right? Right?
Well, turns out there's a whole lot to unpack and unlearn there, and doing that takes a long time. For the first several years of my transition, I was still stuck in this mindset of needing to adhere to all the same constraints I had been under before. The guy I was dating at the time didn't help with this, and I almost said that's another story, but it isn't. The fact that I was willing to keep dating a guy who wanted me to stay pretty and feminine, who told me that body hair was gross, and who in a thousand other little ways made it very clear that I would only stay lovable if I stayed feminine... the fact that I was ok with that, it says a lot about where my mind was at.
I'm sure that a lot of lesbians can relate to some of this, and yet. Becoming who I am, genuinely relaxing into myself and unfolding in the way that I needed to, that process was undeniably and indelibly marked by my experiences as someone who has always been attracted to and wanted to attract men.
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etherfabric · 3 months
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How the Universe provides for you + Songs
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Choose a pile by which picture you resonate with the most.
If your mind is too busy to clearly decide, take a few deep breaths, and use the finger of your non-dominant hand to hover over the images. One will give off the most subtle yet prominent signals, like tingles, a magnetic pull, or temperature. This is your pile. Multiples are also possible.
You are the ultimate authority over your life. I merely provide my perspective. Sometimes the Universe lines you up with something that doesn't resonate with your truth, so you have contrast to find out what does. Never give away your power.
Pile 1
Strength, 3 of Pentacles
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You have loyal allies in your challenges. A lot of unforeseen inconveniences you can't seem to avoid are in your energy, but this time, you feel the support - be it physical incarnations of kindred spirits, or those from the other realm connected to you. Yes, your heart is pounding and your knees are shaking, and these instances definitely aren't what you would've put on your wish list in a million years - but you surprise yourself with your bravery amidst it all. You thrive in collaboration with likeminded people, even in the face of your antagonists. The Universe is sending you storms so you can see how well you build your structure, and feel like the badass boundary expert your past self dreamed they could be.
This was a test, and you passed with flying colors. All your hard inner work is tangibly paying off, and you feel elated and proud - rightfully so.
Pile 2
Queen of Pentacles, The Fool
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You finally stopped caring so much. You figured out where (or with whom) you lose the energy you so desperately missed all this time, and despite the struggles of letting go, you are now light as a feather. But in contrast to the past, where you were simply too scared to attach fully, so what else is there to do but float... you can now fall back on and draw from the deep roots you grew in fertile ground. Nourishment tailored to your needs is in constant supply, and plenty of opportunities to extend that generosity onto are emerging on the horizon. But this time, you know what to look for to have it reciprocated.
There might be people you still deem generally lovable you had to leave behind, and trust that hearing their criticism or seeing the effect of your absence on them will never truly stop hurting - but you know your worth and needs better than ever, and are determined to ultimately look ahead to the promising future. The Universe provides for all, and not just through you.
Pile 3
7 of Wands, 7 of Pentacles
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The Universe is fueling your fierce protector side. You respect your own time more than ever, and see the value of patience with yourself. Your vulnerability is no longer a source of shame, it has become your most precious inspiration. Outside disturbances can't faze you out of your serenity with your true self. You worked hard for where you are, and you are not letting anyone counterproductive get close to it. Take the various toxic coping mechanisms projected onto you as the compliments that they are - you trusted in your balance, followed what felt right, and are reaping the rewards, while others still cling to the very same mindset that starts itching once you are around.
You understand the delicate relationship between healthy aggression and egotistical overkill, and are a role model for those wanting to follow you. The blessings you have already received are shining brighter than ever, and it's only the beginning. Isn't it so worth it being seen as the bad guy? Your people love you for what you are doing for them. No one can take this away from you, because you know how to keep it - becoming more authentic every chance you get.
Pile 4
2 of Swords, The Hermit
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I can imagine you clicking on this particular reading with a kind of scoff. "Oh yeah? Providing for me? I see fuck all." Dare I recommend to expand your understanding in which ways one can receive...? I see you clinging onto promises you kind of already know aren't very, well, promising. But for some reason you only want it that way, almost to try to prove a point no one even challenged you on. Your idea of what you need and what you want have no space for differences inbetween. This might not sound pretty or comforting - I feel awfully confrontational saying this to you actually, and my Cancer Mars is shaking like a leaf - but I see the Universe providing you with an ultimatum.
Drop the rope if you truly want happiness (and not just validation for how great all of your ideas are), or be stuck in the frustration eating away at you. Look at what you already have. Yes, it's not the ultimate dream, but you have to first step inside of you to be able to receive. Because inside of you is where you will feel the love that's on its way to you - not craning your neck out as far as you can, desperate for a crumb to roll by.
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lillysilvermoon · 1 year
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What your Future Spouse will admire about you?
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Pile 1
Your reading is SO BEAUTIFUL Pile 1, really😭😭
First of all: you have a very feminine energy (high priestess) which is like kryptonite for man🤣😁. You see, the hight priestess have a profound connection with God/Goddess. She believes everyone has their own inner guidance to lead them to their true potential. And you do this! You trust your intuition, follow your heart and your instincts and this makes your s.p just go crazy, I feel like he is very logical and he admires your away of leadership, in your own away (doesn't matter if you realize this or not) you are a leader, you inspire people without even realizing it. With you, he feels healed, you just bring so much peace, calmness and joy to him. And talking about joy: you have a childlike personality, you inner child is very happy and free, you know when it's time to be silly (happy dance) and he admires this in you, you bring his child side and makes he feels comfortable to play and just be silly with you. I feel like my heart will explode of joy right now so I think that's how he feels with you, and this makes he admire you a lot because at the same time you are a very elegant, femine and wise, very responsible you ALSO are fun to be with, you know how to play and you have this magic to him. (He loves you so very much I just can't 😭💗).
And you are confident, I feel you have the mindset of "what is mine will find me" so if something goes wrong you just drive to overcome the obstacle in a positive way. When you have a goals, you work with very fierce energy to bring them to fruition (but the thing is: you do all fo this in a very feminine, gentle and fun way, and he just admires you incredible for this).
Signs: jupiters placements, Gemini, cancer and aries and number's 6,9,5 and 8 (I think cancer's placements are important because cancer's symbol looks like a 69 and you had this two numbers. Cam also be dates or months), books, library, education, parks, lakes and flowers. (And music!!!!!! Omg I think it's important to youu or them, maybe he'll communicate his feelings by songs)
P.S: I was going to pile two but I just heard this: you help them to heal his inner child in some way, and this is something very very important to them and by extension to y'all relationship.
P.S²: I was again going to Pile two- but here it is: he admires you for that because, I feel like this problem with his inner child maybe has affected in a negative way his others relationships and you, somehow, handle this really easy, you don't even realize actually (and I just saw he looking to any place in particular think about this and feeling genuinely happy)
Blonde and redhead for some feel here.
Pile 2
Finally I'm here, hello pile 2♡ let's get into your reading shall we?
Calmness. You are so calm, even in the worst situations, you maintain a sense of peace (or try your best to!). I see here that you have multiple interests and you try to balance all of them and other areas of your life, but you don't stress yourself with this. It's like, if doesn't work it's fine, cause you are adaptable and flexible (and he REALLY admires this because I feel like your future Spouse has a tiny-bit-tittie problem with control (wink nod) and you are kind of the opposite lmao, he see you having all this interests and priorities but... it's not a obligation like "omg I HAVE to do ALL" no. You want to do all, but it's okay if don't work some days, he admires you organization and the way you management your time and schedule. I feel your s.p like calm and stable people, he doesn't like unnecessary drama in his life and you just have this flow, if something doesn't work you just be flexible and this is important too: you think before make decisions! 100% not reactive, you think and go inwards before choosing anything. And you have a introspective side that he just loves too much.
I feel like you are someone who brings them peace love and very good advices when needed (after all no one likes be with someone who just complains, fight for every minimal thing, always need to be right to feel "respected" etc, he admires the peace bring with you.) I feel he deals with a lot of stress in his work place and when he sees you... it's too good, like a oasis.
Signs: poems, tea, wind place, scorpio, leo, sagittarius, venus, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune placements are important, numbers 7, 11 and 12 (can be days, months or house in astrology; 7 represents love and commercial partnerships and our relation with public, 11 it's ruled by Saturn and Uranus (definitely a lot of air sign) and talks about flow, strong thinking and important of expansion and 12 it's the house of our unconscious, fears, dreams and spirituality)
Pile 3
I feel like you give a lot of importance to material possessions, you don't act like "Oh money isn't important blablabla" you know money is important, you work to have a good life, to you things like good education, good house in a great neighborhood, travel to have fun but to also acquire culture and knowledge, good clothes with quality. This are important too you (is giving me old money mindset vibes and if you don't know about it, and I'm NOT talking about the "old money" from Tiktok - I highly recommend the "The Old Money Book: Living better while spending less" to you, it's very short has 158 pages) but you don't live FOR money, the money is your servant not your master!
He admires how you always seem to have a behavior like "this is only temporary and shall pass soon" when something bad or uncomfortable happens, and he really admires this. You have a very outgoing personality, full of energy and optimism (and you have some kind of sex appeal but in a elegant way), you are not afraid to work to have the things you desire, your energy is very positive and uplifting (I feel like your future Spouse enjoys SO MUCH talk to you, he loves to see you so determined to get the things you want and he has this feeling that you two will evolve and grow together.
Also: you are a generous soul, with money and with your time, love and affection and wisdom. Maybe you are into some charity, you are very loving and loyal and this... big turn on to them, I think it's honestly the thing he admires most about you, your personality, your values. You like a rare jewel to them.
Signs: VERY strong water placements, pisces, scorpio and cancer, moon, sun and Mars placements (makes so much sense because mars rules goals) numbers 6, 5, 4 and 8 (can be days, months or house. 6 its concrete and practical knowledge, it's also associated to cleanse, maintenance, work capacity and routine service's (again: makes so much sense, you guys value quality and take care of what you have so last longer, don't have need to buy new things), 5 it's you creative side, what gives you pleasure, 4 it's what we have most profound in us and 8 transition of life and things, ending of cycles).
Hope y'all like this reading, it's my first reading related to love and I'm so happy, I had so much fun doing this and hope you guys too. See you in the next reading.
Xoxo
- Lia
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walpu · 5 months
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walp walp hear me out
remember that trailblazer scene with firefly and how she just just gets stabby stabbed by the creature (memory zone meme i think)
and + Aventurine having access to the 'real' dreamscape, combine that with bodyguard! reader who will go through hell and back to make sure Aventurine will. Live.
reader follows aven during the entirety of the Penacony quest, including when Black Swan teleports the both of them to the real memory zone. (also, does anyone else feel like bodyguard! reader and Trailblazer would be besties... no, just me?)
now, keep in mind, Aven and reader have a... complicated bond. IPC workers here and there say their dating, the Trailblazer has straightup asked if they would just get a room (you get their vibe, you can go along with the secret assassin! bodyguard! reader req i sent in)
a little bit more insight on their dynamic (again, going with the assassin reader thing, its already known between the two atp, so this can be set after that period), Aven wants to love reader, wants to hold them close, and wants their affection, but dammit, he just cant bring himself to. Not when he's sure he'll just hurt everyone that comes close to him (his sister, cough cough)
and reader has the same mindset, they love Aven, as a boss, as that annoying but endearing friend, and perhaps as more. But they have blood, the lives of people that they've unlawfully taken, not to mention, they are 100% sure Aven would never love a person who killed just for monetary income.
now, here's where the real show starts. There's also another assassin (seriously, Duke Inferno should save his manpower) following reader and Aven. Safe to say, only one is making it out alive. How the assassin followed the two of them? No fucking clue, but somehow it does.
After i assume beating the living shit out of hordes of memory zone monsters, the assassin appears, and just when Aventurine's unsuspecting?? Boom, goes in for the kill.
Yeah, too bad. Aven's not dying. But reader is! Yeah, in a act of (cliche) protection, reader allowed themselves to be the one to suffer from the attack. (Bonus if they get decapitated, or just stabbed like how Trailblazer was by Cocolia). Aven will never forget the way that he just- watched reader's body fall, the light just gone from their eyes.
Anyways, he doesn't even get to hold their body. You just- poof into bubbles like Firefly did. The last thing he has left of his beloved bodyguard? Just a simple red earring, matching the one he wore. Nothing left.
Okay, im also going to cope here that the whole shitshow with Aven and Acheron did not happen, he returns to the room that reader had, and he just... stands there. He takes in the way that half of the room was messy, half of it was untouched. So much like them, unpredictable and just had a touch of the weirdness he loved so damn much.
(Bonus if you want a happy scenario, reader's alive and well, afterall, dying in the dreamscape doesn't kill anyone. Reader is probably smiling very awkwardly while they stare at a teary eyed Aventurine, then they make out /hj)
yay another rant, i had this idea for days, the decapitation part may or may not have been plaguing me (should i be concerned), anyways, thanks for listening to my word vomit, stay safe and stay healthy <33
feel like falling on my knees and begging to forgive me for taking so long this spring doesn't let me breath istg. I've got this request before 2.1 and only got to it now that's why Aven is ghosting me.
bodyguard!reader "dying" in the dreamscape to protect Aventurine
sort of a sequel to this but can be read as a separate work as well, the main thing you need to know is that reader was originally an assassin sent by Duke Inferno but they've changed their mind and stayed by Aven's side
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notes - gn!reader, angst, unestablished relationship, no beta
You both knew the trip to Penacony would be difficult. You, in particular, knew that something big and very sinister is coming, judging by the way Aventurine danced around the subject, not giving you full information.
You may not know all the details of Aventurine's plan but you know him well enough to realize that he's planning on doing something extremely reckless and dangerous.
So you do your best to protect him. To shiels him from any possible danger, to keep him within your reach.
Of course Aventirune notices. How can he not notice when he already keeps his eye on you most of the time anyway. And just as you're trying to look out for him, he wants to looks out for you.
This mission already could be considered suicidal and he doesn't want you to be caught in this. Better to keep you in the dark, away from it.
Yet he can't help but selfishly enjoy your attention, your tenderness. You go out of your ways to make sure he's fine and he feels so undeserving of it. How can you be so kind when he's keeping so much from you?
You've seen him at his worst and you've stayed. You've proven so many times that you care for him not because it's just your job, not because of his money or status but because it's him.
He still struggles to believe in it sometimes. When he feels doubtful , he rubs his cheek against your shoulder in a playful cat-like manner and watches your reaction. Amusement you're trying to hide. Adoration you can't hide.
How can he doubt you? You're the one who should be doubting him.
He wants to melt into you, to be even closer than the two of you already are, but how can he love you without putting you in danger? Without draining your luck, without cursing you?
Sometimes he sees the same struggles in your eyes. When you carefully trace his face with the tips of your gloved fingers, your gaze sometimes lowers and you pull your hand away, as if you're ashamed.
But of what, of what? The blood on your hands? He has it too!
He wants to tell you this, to hold you tight, to never ever let go. The wish is so primal that everyone else can see. The memokeeper giving him a knowing smile as soon as she sees you two together, the masked fool taunting him about the only one willing to listen to him being his loyal dog ("though, judging by the way you look at them, little peacock, you're the one on the leash here~" she says. It feels like even a lower blow than the comments about his past. At least he expected those, but being taunted about his obvious feelings for is new), mx. Stellaron asking you two to get a room with a deadpun expression.
The worst one is the doctor though. Asking Aventurine to focus on the mission, then, in a softer tone, suggesting to tell you more about the plan. "It's foolish to keep it from your most trusted person, gambler. In the end, it may hurt them even more than your obsessive concerns".
If Ratio of all people gives you relationship advice you're doing soooo bad.
Yet Aventurine can't bring himself to listen to his words. He wants you safe and well, and he's sure (he's not sure) he's doing the right thing.
And yet he's wrong. He can't shield you, he can't. One of the richest people in the IPC, one of the Ten Stonehearts, the blessed one, yet he can't protect the one he loves no matter how much he tries. He's cursed, doomed, isn't he?
Damned Duke Inferno. He's dead, annihilated, and yet, somehow, one of his wretched dogs, his sneaky little assassin, finds you two in the depths of the memory zone. Such dedication to the cause!
There are two gunshots. Inferno's little rat and you strike at the same time. Them, aiming at Aventurine, and you, aiming at them. Only one bullet reaches it's target though.
It all happens so fast. You react immediately, covering Aventurine with your body. You move instinctively at the same second you shoot.
When their bullet hits you, you don't even feel it. Maybe because it's still a dreamland? The pain just won't come even though your back feels like it's on fire. You don't understand it yet but your body already starts disappearing.
All you can focus on is Aventurine's wide shocked eyes. His beautiful, beautiful eyes.
You smile weakly at him. That's all he can see before you're gone. He doesn't even have time to reach out to you, to hold you. As if he ever had the privilege of holding his loved ones in their final moments.
You just poof into the blue bubbles.
He rushes into the real world, in your room, praying to any deity that may here for you to be alive and well. It was a dream, not a real world. You can't die in a dream, not really. You weren't even killed by the memory zone meme, surely you're fine!
Yet you're not. You're not here, not anywhere in the hotel. You're truly gone.
He feels everything and nothing at the same time.
Of course, of course, of course he wasn't able to protect you!
How lucky he is, he has avoided death once again! His beloved died to protect him but he has survived! He's so blessed, truly, so blessed!
He finds himself on his knees, on the verge of hysterical laughter. The only thing you left behind is a small red earring he has gifted. And he clatches it so tightly his hand bleeds. Perhaps the pain is the only thing keeping him sane at this moment.
It feels like a cruel joke. It doesn't feel real, it shouldn't be real.
Wait... That's it! It isn't real. It's impossible to die in a dream! It was his theory all along, after all. It must be true. You just can't be dead, you can't, not you too.
His plan hasn't changed, he tells Ratio when he comes to check on Aventurine. He just needs to reach the real Penacony. To reach it and to find you there. You're strong and brave and so wonderful. You're out there somewhere, he just needs to help you to get back to the real world.
He holds into that idea like a madman. It doesn't matter how dangerous it is. It never did, to be honest. But now it's like he can't focus on anything else.
He hasn't feel so despaired in years. He just needs to find you, everything else is meaningless.
So when it's time for the final act, he gets on stage, fears not and doesn't look back.
He still holds his hand behind his back though. Clutching your earrings for dear life.
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successfulgoddess333 · 4 months
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Give up, Stop trying
What’s up
I see you there
Procrastinating
“Let me try again tomorrow”
You say
Yeah that’s all you’re ever gonna do
Is try
So give up
Give up on the idea of
“Trying”
What are you “trying” to do?
You’re probably procrastinating right this moment
You say you want it so bad
Stop allowing your fear of failure to hold you back
Right now I want you to
Write down
Or simply say aloud
The things you feel when you
“Don’t succeed”
Are you upset?
Are you tired?
Are you sleepy?
Are you mad?
Why?
Why do you feel this way?
Is it because you are “trying so hard?”
That’s the problem
You’re upset because you’re “trying”
Trying doesn’t mean failure
But it allows you to believe that you might
Nikes slogan isn’t “Just do it” for no reason
Just do it
It doesn’t say just try it?? Does it?
If you try to open something
You can’t because it’s hard
So you give up
This is the mindset of someone
Who “tries”
Not saying we don’t ever try something in our lives like a date or a meal etc that’s different
but in this particular situation
Trying means you’re allowing yourself to either succeed or fail
Trying is like this or that
Succeed or fail
“I guess I’ll try”
Translates to
“I might fail but let’s wing it”
Stop trying just do
And you know what procrastination is
You’re not lazy
You DO want your dream life
You’re procrastinating because of your fear of failure
But that fear comes from
Your belief that you always have to “try”
You fear not succeeding
This is why you procrastinate
Procrastination is fear disguised as laziness
You think you’re lazy
But you’re not
You procrastinate because something in your life or in your head
Is holding you back
With the power you obtain
You cannot allow any stress to take over YOUR life to address this procrastination address whatever it is stressing you out
Whether it’s a person
Mental health etc
Start off small
You don’t “try” to shower of eat right
Say what you’re going to do
Then do it
All day
“I’m gonna shower”
Go shower
“I’m gonna eat”
Go eat
Keep doing this
You can’t fail at showering or eating
You do it effortlessly you’re subconsciously programmed to do this
But guess what
You’re also subconsciously programmed to enter the void state
Keynote
That “entering” the void is a phrase
It does not literally mean you’re entering
You’re not going anywhere
You’re experiencing the void the same way you experience you sleeping
When you dream you’re not actually going to those places
You experience it
Just like you can become aware if you’re dreams (lucid dreams)
Even when you’re not lucid dreaming
You still are unconsciously aware that it’s happening
This is why sometimes you remember your dreams
If you can remember it
You experienced it
The void is an experience
Not a place
You’re becoming aware that it exists
Because it does
When your body experiences 3D symptoms like floating or spinning etc
Why we say to ignore
Because this reality
You’re always experiencing it
What you’re trying to experience is the 4D
So why focus on the reality you DON’T you want to experience
So back to the procrastination
So at night
Say
“I’m going into the void”
By breaking this habit
You’ll feel refreshed knowing that you WILL get in the void
Because the whole day you were saying exactly what you were gonna do
And you did it
The habit is broken
No procrastination = No trying
How many tests have you aced by not procrastinating and studying?
And by not procrastinating you are allowing yourself to only succeed
And when you “try”
What happens
You feel floaty
Then you’re awake or you fall asleep
You think to yourself
“The void isn’t real”
“Why do I keep falling asleep?”
“Ugh my head hurts”
These are 3D reactions
Because how can your 3D mind
Understand the 4D mindset?
Live in your imagination
Be in tune with the 4D
This is the reality that’s got everything you want this is like your soulmate your best friend or lover tend to this reality
Stay there
Bring it to this reality
Much love🩵🩵
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skullchicken · 2 months
Text
How to crawl out of a deep dark hole of loneliness
In no particular order - and you might have to re-do some steps over and over until they take. This is written in a way I would have put it if I would address my past self. If you take umbrage with the tone, know it's not necessarily you I am talking to.
Take what applies, leave the rest.
Part 1 - Mindset
Understand the difference between being alone and being lonely
Being alone is being by yourself. Loneliness is a feeling of lacking social connections or lacking in social connections. You can be alone and peaceful and content, you can be lonely amongst people.
Grieve the abandonment you have received.
No-one deserves to be lonely. Not you, not anyone. Whatever the reason for your loneliness may be, that remains true. Process your feelings, have compassion with yourself.
Realize that social connection is something that you want from other people.
Realize that other people don't owe you connection.
No-one deserves loneliness, but no-one is owed connection either. It is a harsh truth, but one that must be understood.
Come to terms with the fact that since you want social connection, it will probably be on you to reach out and put yourself out there until relationships have been established (and maybe even then - some people are wonderful, but they aren't good at reaching out and never will be).
Give yourself space to feel afraid. Have compassion with yourself. Reaching out is hard. Putting yourself out there is hard.
Keep in mind that your threat response might be higher than the average person's.
If you have been lonely for a long time, chances are your social skills are dusty and your threat response is high as a result (or maybe due to past trauma or maybe that's just how you're wired).
Chances are good you are perceiving other people's reaction towards you more negatively than they intend it to be. This will slowly, slooowwwwwly vanish with practice. And I'm sorry that this is how it is right now. I recommend looking into getting a CBT app - e.g. MindShift. It's free and it really helped me. (Note: the app is for dealing with anxiety and focuses specifically on helping you to re-evaluate your thinking patterns)
It helps to approach people with curiosity and love in your heart
Misanthropy is understandable. It's also not helpful in the slightest. If all of humanity sucks, what use would it be to try and strike up a conversation with any one person? Why would I try to talk to them if I assume that they have nothing interesting to say?
You have had love in the past, there is no reason why there can't be love again. There is something good out there and it is on you to find it.
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msallurea · 8 months
Text
It's Okay to Feel Okay
Ok so recently, specifically a few days ago I had deleted tumblr for a bit to get my mind together. I had wanted to manifest my dream life because I'll be taking senior pics on the 31st and honestly I was fed up with myself with not genuinely applying knowing that I wanted to live a certain way. There was a post that I had seen I can't remember the name right now but I did reblog it, it was "how to make everything sugar spice and everything nice" or something like that. One particular post caught my attention and it the "what if I don't persist" post and it DEFINITELY gave me a reality check, I feel like those who know pretty much everything there is to know about manifestation but aren't genuinely applying it should for sure read that because it definitely knocked sense into me. I had also been reading a lot of posts from @etherealkissed88 also i highly recommended reading her stuff if you ever want a rundown of the law that's quick and straight to the point. Something I noticed I continuously did which is what caused me to always have anxiety when manifesting was focusing on the 3d/my desire being in the 3d on time. So I decided to actually change my perspective and just tell myself since it's done in the 4d I don't have to worry about it not being in the 3d because itll reflect anyway..I've also been adopting the mindset of simply knowing it's finished IN IMAGINATION ONLY!! ...Now, since doing this, for maybe the past few days I haven't felt the need to affirm or visualize or anything, I mean I'd daydream here and there but it's kinda just like "eh I have it anyway so whatever" and let me tell you..as someone who constantly stressed on whether or not I was doing something right and worrying about when it will come and everything else this is the CALMEST and most NONCHALANT I've ever been about manifestation before. Like even now, when I would've tried sabatoging myself saying I HAVE to affirm especially because I do know I am a bit anxious about manifesting my dream life because I definitely want it before my big day which btw I feel like is perfectly fine to acknowledge. But honestly I just don't want to. I don't want to affirm. I don't want to visualize constantly. Because the entire point is that if I say it's already done in imagination and I see that I'm living my dream life in imagination truly there's nothing else for me to do but continuously choose that I'm living my dream life already. Something else that's had me feeling this way is when @etherealkissed88 mentioned that we aren't trying to convince ourselves we have it in the 3d..to be that way is being delusional, we're only accepting that it's already done in IMAGINATION aka the 4d. Since taking this into consideration I've been scarily calm,normally I would've been stressed and spiraling and even now when I "waver" when I see myself in the mirror it's just like a "eh whatever..nothing I do in the 3d affects my manifestation anyway so it doesn't matter" kind of feeling. And I just want anyone who is also experiencing this feeling where you feel as though you just don't want to do anything for your desire and it's just like a "eh whatever I have it in imagination anyway" kind of feeling IT. IS. OK and you are doing just fine. The whole point is the first place is making your desire feel NATURAL to you and if you feeling natural is you not really feeling anything and it's just a "oh it's done" then you are doing just fine if you have the feeling as if you "don't want your desire anymore" that's also fine, I can guarantee if your desire was fulfilled would you still feel like you wanted it or be stressed? I doubt it..just as the example is, I have a phone, I know I have a phone. Even if my phone wasn't in my hand right now I still know I have a phone. That is the feeling, that is the acceptance. Even if it isn't right there in front of you, you already have it because you accepted that you do.
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fun-k-board · 4 months
Note
AAAA YOUR REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!!! :3333 could I maybe request CG Storm and CG Rogue? Maybe them and a little reader who’s a bit on the fussy/ tantrum-y side?
Thank you!!!!! ^^ (u probably know who this is but I’m too scared to come off anon 😭)
X-MEN '97 - Little reader who's fussy and tends to have tantrums
SFW INTERACTION ONLY!! AGE REGRESSION IS NOT A KINK!!
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Note(s): HEHHE I KNOW!! It's alright tbh I'm terrified of coming off anon too (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠;⁠)
Powered through writing this because you're cool as hell and I like you! 💪 I don't and didn't really have the most idk 'attentive' family, so I'm not the best judge on how to take care of kids or people in a kids mindset, I may be a little bad at writing for caregivers and age regression in general because of this.
ANNA MARIE DARKHÖLME / ROGUE
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'Hey, hey now sugah, let's calm down, you don't want to go in time out and I don't want to send ya. Explain to me why you don't like the food, I'm perfectly alright gettin' you somethin' different, there ain't no need to get upset.'
Anna can sometimes tell when you're about to have a tantrum or become more fussy than usual, even if you tend to take a while to throw a full fit, she'll watch you carefully and try to prevent one from fully forming. Gently kissing you on the forehead and brushing back your hair, asking what's wrong with a worried look on her face.
The moment you start yelling, kicking, or even crying, maybe after ignoring her question, she finds it hard not to just fold and give you what you want, after all, you're just so cute. However, her sense of responsibility and care for you overwhelms her need to coddle you.
Anna will say your name firmly, getting you to pay attention to her, and only her. She'll get a tissue for you and wipe your tears away, and ask firmly what you're sad or angry about and if you could possibly explain it to her.
If you can't verbally, for whatever reason, she'll give you the opportunity to write it on paper or she'll play a guessing game with you, the guessing game is only for when you're extremely upset and need cheering up though.
If you explain, in whatever format you need to, that you're upset because of an issue that's causing you distress, maybe food triggered sensory issues, someone was mean to you, etc, then she'll let you off the hook because you clearly didn't mean to cause any harm and you were just acting out.
Rogue will give you a bit of a talking to, telling you that crying and throwing things makes it difficult to help, but that's about it. Given it's not your fault she isn't actually too mad, she just wants you to understand that she won't know how to help if you're kicking and screaming.
If, however, your outburst was because of a silly reason, say you don't like the colour crayons and you throw them at her, she won't be as quick to accept it and move on.
She's still very sympathetic and won't ever raise her voice at you, even when you've done something especially terrible for no apparent reason.
Anna is very lenient and her 'punishments' usually just include a minute or so sitting in the corner, maybe withholding drawing from you for the day, but she always makes sure to explain in detail why you're being punished and it's usually only a last resort.
Rogue is very sweet even when she's being stern, her eyes can't help but go soft and her tone slips from that firm scolding one she uses when you're being bad, to a sweet almost coo-like baby voice.
Afterwards she comforts you like there's no tomorrow, telling you that she didn't want to hurt your feelings by taking away something or sending you to the corner, but you just need to learn some manners and how to handle yourself.
If you're fussy in terms of only liking clothes of a certain colour, food cut or made in a certain way, or things being done in a particular order, she absolutely doesn't mind doing these things for you! When it comes to cooking Rogue tends to ask for Gambit's help, she's not the worst cook in the world, but she can't do it like Remy can.
When it comes to removing parts of food, maybe you like to remove the crusts of bread and have them separate or not at all, she'll happily cut them off for you and maybe even eat the crusts while talking to you.
Sometimes she matches clothes with you! After all, 'If you like these clothes, they must be the best ones they got!' She says with a grin.
ORORO MUNROE / STORM
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'My child, it's important to remember your manners when speaking to those around you. I am not angry, but you must tell me what is wrong if I am to correct my mistake or you are able to grow.'
The moment she notices you starting to throw a tantrum, which is fairly fast even if your signs are just a deep frown, asking you if everythings alright and most of the time avoiding any tantrums before they begin.
However, sometimes you refuse to tell her what's wrong, perhaps you go straight to throwing toys or food, pouting, yelling, in replying she will simply hold a gentle hand on your shoulder and kindly repeat her question on what the matter is. Her tone is gentle and her face is one of genuine concern.
Like Rogue, if you're in distress because of something that's not your fault, or maybe you're just overwhelmed, she will never hold it against you at all. If you're comfortable with it and it's something you need to calm down, Storm will pick you up and give you a tight hug, if not, she's alright with just holding a hand on your shoulder, or even removing her hand and only speaking to you.
Ororo will get on one knee, bending down to speak to you in a hushed whisper, she'll tell you that it's all okay, that she'll help you and make it better, give you different food, turn off the lights, whatever you need, she can give it to you.
However, if you're just being fussy to perhaps get a reaction out of her, she'll raise her brow in an almost amused action, as if she finds your attempts to be aggravating as cute as a cat nibbling on its owner's hand. If you're throwing a fit just to throw one, she will definitely tell you sternly that you cannot do such things, at least not in her care.
I don't think that Storm is the type to use the corner or naughty step as a punishment, after all, she has her own fear of tight, dark places, you may fear loneliness, or abandonment, she does not wish her own troubles onto a mind like yours.
Instead, she talks to you, more importantly, she'll help you figure out what you did wrong, how to improve next time, and reflect on her own actions to see if the trouble was caused by a mistake on her part. It won't be an in depth conversation, she tends to use stuffed animals as an aid to show you an outsiders perspective.
If you're struggling with saying your words out loud, never fear, she has tons of paper and crayons, or pencils, pen, markers, etc if that's what you prefer, just for you! She keeps them in her room for whenever you regress and want to keep near her when doing so.
Ororo will advise you to draw your feelings, maybe even write a letter if that's more what you're comfortable with. She doesn't mind bad spelling or handwriting, she's quite good at deciphering even the most atrociously unintelligible handwriting.
At most, and only if you've been really bad, she'll lead you to your room, or hers, just to make sure you don't get embarrassed and act out further. Storm will tell you what you did wrong as firmly as she can so that you'll understand. It's only a light scolding though, she never ever raises her voice when you're around unless you need or want her to.
If she ever does raise her voice and it startles or frightens you, she will apologise, regardless of if you've done something wrong or not. It's never her intention to harm you, you've entrusted her to care for you and she will do anything in her power to achieve that goal.
If your fussiness is about certain clothes, textures, toys, etc, she absolutely doesn't mind exclusively getting you certain clothes or toys, and she won't be angry at all if you throw a tantrum over texture or taste, because she's fully aware it can be distressing to have an unfavourable texture of clothing of food.
Ororo will always ask questions about something before she gets it for you, after a while she knows pretty much all of your likes and dislikes.
She's a great cook and can switch the taste or texture in something with just a flick of her wrist, something she doesn't mind doing, especially if the food she's already making is something that causes a lot of stress.
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voxofthevoid · 21 days
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Like I said in my preliminary post about the chapter, my initial impression of JJK 268 was positive but lukewarm—kind of “okay, that’s decent but full of holes.” Then I made the mistake of thinking about it too much, and now my opinion is more like “that’s ass actually.”
Unflattering assessment of JJK 268 and the current state of the story to follow—stop reading here if you don’t want to see that.
There were two things I liked—and still like, to a certain extent—about the chapter: Yuuji’s final conversation with Sukuna and Gojou’s final letters. But past the initial approval, I’m finding severe issues with those as well.
The Letters
To tackle the lesser evil first, the letters are quite in character for Gojou, and the one to Megumi is on point. It’s perfect. The one to Nobara is where it falls apart. Her mother is a non-entity; her entire flashback has focused on her friendships, with Saori in particular. Her family is absent from the page/screen, and all we get are passing mentions hinting at her family dynamics. So why the fuck is that what Gojou’s letter focuses on?
I know the answer; there’s nothing else for him to tell her. They’re not close and barely know each other, so there’s no substance to their relationship the way there is with Gojou and Yuuji or Gojou and Megumi. What would have made a good letter to her was Saori’s address/number—but Gojou can’t reasonably give her that because there’s no feasible way he’d have known about Saori. Nobara sure as shit wouldn’t have told him. So it feels like Gege tacked on information about a random absent mother because the letter had to say something and this complements Megumi’s letter. It just falls flat as fuck because nobody cares, least of all Nobara herself.
What I think could have worked without having Gojou act out of character was a joke or some bullshit about her coma—something that shows his faith/hope that she’d wake up and be well without becoming emotional or trite. They weren’t close, but she was still a student he cared for. There are ways to show that without pulling a random family member into the equation.
Sukuna and Yuuji
Where do I even start?
In isolation, I adored the conversation they had at the end. It allows both of their personalities as well as their relationship to shine and stay true to themselves while delivering a powerful final exchange. There are several angles to it that fascinate me, especially the contrast between how nightmarish Yuuji's offer truly is and how tenderly he proposes it.
But how the fuck did they get there?
Specifically, how’d Yuuji go from trying to rip out Sukuna’s heart at the end of JJK 260 to being willing to give Sukuna a second chance to be his prisoner/companion until their mutual death? JJK 265 and even 266 lay out his reasoning, but how and when did he get to that point? Yuuji’s final attitude toward Sukuna has both empathy and sympathy: (i) he realizes that he and Sukuna were both shouldering curses out of their control and that it may have been nurture as much as nature that made them what they are, and (ii) he believes that Sukuna deserves a chance to be more than a cursed existence.
We never see why or how he develops these beliefs. A throwaway line from Sukuna about being a wretched child isn’t enough for Yuuji to write Heian era fanfiction in his head; frankly, Yuuji’s not the type. The only option is the much-referenced but so-far unused “resonance” giving Yuuji actual insights into Sukuna’s emotions or backstory, but we don’t see that. We don’t even get hints of that. Yuuji’s willing to tear Sukuna apart and then he’s willing to coexist with him. Forget missing steps, there’s an entire missing floor here.
I’m all for stories that require the reader to engage in inference and analysis, but you still need solid material to prompt such conclusions. JJK is lacking that. There are hints of it. You can squint and see the building blocks of Yuuji’s eventual mindset. But it feels like entire chapters are missing between his attitude in 260 and 265 and also between 265 and 268.
The Fingers
You know how Sukuna’s death only being possible via a vessel has been a driving factor behind the entire plot? Well, I guess we can just ignore that. Just pull him out and let him disintegrate as a lump—problem solved. Even the remaining finger isn’t a problem anymore! That’d have made sense given it’s still only one finger—although even one-finger Sukuna is immensely powerful and might be an issue in the future, if the next generations are weaker than the current one. But instead, it’s framed as that finger not even having the power to connect to Sukuna’s soul at all. Even that’s acceptable in isolation, except this entire thing contradicts how the fingers and Sukuna’s existence have been framed until this point.
Just a few chapters ago, Sukuna was vomiting up fingers as the connection between his soul and Megumi’s body was assaulted. Hell, he swallowed them right back. The natural conclusion here would be that tearing him from Megumi’s body would result in four fingers—Yuuji’s little finger and three original Sukuna fingers—containing some 95% of Sukuna’s soul/power. It also meant someone would need to die to vanquish Sukuna because a vessel was necessary. The question was whether it’d be Megumi or Yuuji.
The answer, apparently, is that you don’t need a vessel at all. Yuuji’s offer to him is framed as him giving Sukuna grace—sure, he’d be caged in and then die with Yuuji sooner or later, likely sooner, but Yuuji's still offering him a longer life. And then Sukuna dies without a vessel. So what was the point of it all? The change is flimsily justified while contradicting the very premise of the story, and not only does it make Sukuna’s end underwhelming, but it also cheapens all the pain and horror until this point.
Tonal Dissonance
This chapter feels like two halves of two different chapters stitched together. Compare the aftermath of the Shibuya Incident to this aftermath—where’s the gravity, the grief? The end of the battle doesn’t get time to settle before the trio are back together, healed and happy.
Happy endings and tragic endings are both good endings—when they’re well crafted and cohesive. And JJK hasn’t ended yet, but the battle with Sukuna did, and we jump right into an aftermath that has no respect for the severity and devastation of the fight that preceded it. Seeing Yuuji, Megumi, and Nobara happy makes me feel nothing; it doesn’t even seem part of the same story. We see no hints of Megumi or Nobara really acknowledging everything that happened while they were possessed and unconscious, respectively. There’s no real sense of consequence either, which is just jarring after all the character deaths and associated emotions in the previous chapters.
The thing is, I think this could have been mitigated by shifting Megumi’s waking and what follows into a new chapter. It wouldn’t fix the timeline issues—it looks like Megumi’s waking several hours, maybe a day or two max, after the fight ended—but it’d be less abrupt. Follow Uraume’s death with a long pan of Shinjuku and maybe snapshots of what the survivors are up to: Yuuji gathering up Megumi’s conscious body; the state of Yuuta, Toudou, and Hana, as well as the remaining sorcerers who were involved in the fight; a quick look at the colonies and the incarnated/awakened sorcerers Kenjaku didn’t manage to kill. Just something to let the end of the fight sink in—a proper transition.
Honestly, I feel like Gege’s ticking off a few boxes in their outline to get this story done with. Maybe it’s burnout, maybe it’s loss of interest; I don’t know. But the end result is that there’s the shape of a story—an arc, an ending—that could have been incredible but is instead a sad, disintegrating lump on the ground, much like Sukuna was in the end.
There are three more chapters, so I assume some of my remaining questions or issues will be addressed, like the terms of the Kenjaku–Sukuna binding vow, the state of Japanese society, the fate of the surviving CG players and the CG itself, the Tengen fetus that’s presumably still inside Megumi, etc. They may even address some of the inconsistencies and ambiguities raised above. But this entire arc has already suffered from an excess of post-hoc explanations, and more of that won’t really make it a stronger or better story.
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redroomreflections · 3 months
Text
Gentle Hands Chapter 3
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Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader
Summary: Natasha suspects Reader is in an abusive relationship and tries to convince her to leave
3/10
W/c: 5.1k
Warning: Domestic violence
Masterlist | General Masterlist
Note: Yes, I have a lot of WIPS sue me!
Natasha grew up in a facility with twenty-three other girls. She worked tirelessly to be the best in her generation. Not because she wanted to but because she had to. She woke up every single day with the same goals in mind. To train, to learn, to fight. She ate with the girls, attended Red Room’s version of schooling with them, and even befriended a few. This didn’t work out in much of the way she wanted. She experienced loss at a young age. To progress, she had to kill the other girls in her class. She had to become numb or she would fall. She went through hell and back just to come out on top. She understands how it feels to be an asset to someone that doesn’t see a person as anything more than that. She understands. She’s lived her version of hell.
As she grew and her life took on different paths so did her mindset. She was taken under Clint’s wing. She became close with him and his wife. Rarely did she ever allow herself to love. With Clint it was easy. He didn’t berate her. He didn’t hurt her. He only pushed her to be the best version of herself that she could be. Which sounds cheesy but it’s helped her immensely. She was always evolving and she could see that now. Each moment in her life changed her for the better or the worse.
This time for Natasha, it was the very moment she picked you up. She didn’t mind the late-night pickup. She didn’t care that you called. She’s used to being able to jump up in a flash. All she wanted was for you to be safe. She wanted Kaia to be safe. The anger coursing through her seeing your face scared her. To see you so exhausted. Bloody and bruised. It was an unimaginable sadness. How could someone do that to a person they claim to love? How could they live with themselves?
It’s a recurring thought that Natasha tries to put to rest. She knows why. She’s seen monsters. She’s watched them with her own eyes commit atrocities you wouldn’t believe. This particular situation put her at a disadvantage. She’s not sure how to help you. She’s not sure if you’ll even want to stay. What she does know is that she needs to make your time here comfortable. The recovery won’t be easy but she has to do something.
Natasha woke up with a purpose. She started her morning routine feeding Liho. She moved around the kitchen with swift steps as she prepared his meal. Next was brushing her teeth and skincare. She doesn’t have some twelve-step routine but she likes giving herself that care. She uses the half bathroom to not disturb you and Kaia. Once she’s done she goes back into the kitchen to go over her next steps.
She opened the refrigerator cursing to herself at finding the shelves bare. It’s only ever been her to step inside of this apartment. She doesn’t have visitors. She doesn’t let people over. She certainly doesn’t tell anyone where she stays. The only one to know the existence of this place is Ricky Mason and maybe Nick Fury. That man had a way of knowing everything. He was almost as good as her. She took a mental note to ask what you liked to eat.
She prepared herself a cup of tea while searching through her drawers for a pen and pad. Once she found a working Inkpen and a blank sheet on the pad she walked over to her couch to sit. She didn’t flinch when Liho jumped to sit on the headrest beside her head. She presses the pen to her lip and thinks about what to get first. She’s never had to shop for anyone else. She’s never had to think about anyone else but herself.
Natasha reaches for her phone only having one person to call.
She presses the phone, bringing it to her ear to listen. It’s 9 am. Laura and Clint will be up. Laura answers the phone on the second ring.
“Natasha?” Laura questions.
“Hey, do you have a second?” Natasha asks.
“Yes, Clint is out with the kids right now. Did you want to speak with him ?”
“No, actually, I wanted your advice.” Natasha stares down at the pad. She scribbles the title “Shopping” at the top of the page. “I have a friend here and I need to do a bit of shopping.”
“Oh, okay.” Laura doesn’t even try to hide her surprise. She’s never known Natasha to have friends outside of her small circle.
“She’s just leaving a tough situation and she has a baby. She’s - Kaia is one I think.” Natasha guesses based on memory. “They don’t have much right now and I wanted to get them started. I guess I just want to know where to start.”
Laura is more than happy to help. She sees her as a younger sister even though they’re only a few years apart. If Natasha is coming to her for advice then it’s something serious. It’s something she cares about.
“Well, first I would check the little one’s diaper size. I doubt she’s potty trained yet,” Laura lists off. Natasha writes it on the pad. She listens to the items as if it’s the most important information. “Then I would go for clothes. I would start with the basics. Onesies, t-shirts, pants. Does she have a jacket or coat? I know it’s getting chilly in New York.”
“No, neither of them did. I don’t think she was able to grab it when I picked them up.” Natasha bites her lip nervously.
“Well they’re both going to need one,” Laura wants to ask questions. She’s curious but she doesn’t want Natasha to shut down. “I would ask her mom but usually I get the kids’ jackets a size bigger for them to grow into. They grow quickly.” Natasha writes this down too. She knows nothing about babies outside of helping with Lila, Cooper, and now Nathaniel.
“What about the food? Can she eat what we eat or does she need special food? She has a few teeth I think.” Natasha sets the pen down. She does remember feeding Kaia the muffin but further than that she’s clueless. “Do you think I’m overdoing it?”
“She’s well over the age to start eating solids so I bet she does,” Laura guesses. “I think you’re a good friend and whomever this person maybe, she is lucky to have you, Natasha. Sounds like she means a lot to you.”
Natasha breathes a sigh of relief. She holds the phone allowing herself to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. She can’t quite describe it.
“They mean a lot to me, Laur,” Natasha admits. “I’ve never.” She doesn’t want to voice her insecurity. She feels she may be way in over her head. What if she can’t give you the full support that you need? What if you decide that this isn’t what you want? She’s not expecting you to jump into a relationship with her. She made that clear last night. Her support isn’t based on contingencies. She’s not that kind of person. She will respect your wishes if you decided to live on your own somewhere. She only wants you safe. Your safety is number one.
“I know, Nat.” Laura empathizes.
“She’s going through something with her boyfriend,” Natasha looks up at the ceiling. She blinks away the tears in her eyes and clears her throat. “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I’m just so mad. He hurt her.”
“Oh, Natasha,” Laura says. She listens as Natasha repositions the phone against her ear. “If she came to you then she was confident that you would know what to do. I don’t think she will expect much from you. She just needs support and safety right now.”
Natasha nods before realizing Laura can’t see her.
“It won’t be easy for her. Don’t lose faith.”
“I won’t,” Natasha is sure of it. She’s not going to give up on you. She couldn’t. Not when her heart is in it. It terrifies her. She feels so strongly for you in such a short amount of time. It’s a feeling that sends her flying while also wanting to make her run. She’s not going to run. She won’t do that. “Is there more that I should get? Toys and things like that?”
“Toys, books, blankets. How long do you plan on them staying?”
“For as long as they need,” Natasha replies. She means it.
“Well then, go ahead and grab a pen and paper because you’re going to need a list.”
Natasha picks up the pen again to begin writing down everything Laura relays to her. She didn’t realize taking care of a baby required so much. She’s not clueless. She’s just never had to think about any of this. When she's done talking to Laura she hangs up feeling so much lighter. She makes quick work of opening her laptop and finding the best grocery delivery websites. Then she goes to a baby website. There’s a place that could deliver things today. It takes her over an hour to shop for everything. She gets the basics in hopes to talk with you later about other necessities.
**********
She closes her laptop feeling accomplished. After throwing an extra hefty tip the groceries would be delivered in the next hour. The baby’s clothes and other items would be here around the same time. Now that that’s done she has to find something to occupy herself with. She drinks the rest of her now cool tea before standing to dump it in the kitchen sink. She looks around the room. It’s a bachelorette pad. It’s bare. She doesn’t decorate. It’s not her thing. There are not even pictures on the wall.
Natasha finds herself bored. She doesn’t want to leave you both in the apartment just yet. She would usually be at the tower by now finishing up a workout. Deciding to come to check on you, she walks down the hallway to peek inside. You’re still asleep. You must be pretty exhausted. After the night you’ve had it’s only right for you to rest as much as you can. Natasha is just about to walk back to the living room when a small head lifts from the bed. Kaia pushes herself up onto her knees. She whimpers, unaware of her new surroundings before she finds you a few feet away from her. She taps at your shoulder to no avail.
Natasha debates on whether or not she should take her. Would she cry? Technically she doesn’t even know Natasha. She steps inside of the bedroom, Kaia’s eyes quickly finding hers.
“Hi,” Natasha says softly. Kaia watches as she approaches the bed. She raises her arms to be picked up by Natasha. Another grown-up was good enough. “Your mama is still sleeping. You must be hungry.” Natasha helps the toddler into her arms. She practically melts when Kaia lies her head on her shoulder. Weighting a baby and feeling how real she is. It’s weird, to say the least. There are remnants of sleep as she breathes against Natasha’s neck. “Let’s go find something for you to eat.” Natasha finds it a bit silly to be talking to herself but Kaia seems to be a great listener. She pads out of the bedroom to go to the kitchen. Liho is drinking from his bowl when Kaia spots him. She raises her head, watching him in interest, but making no move to leave Natasha’s arms.
“That’s Liho,” Natasha crouches down to introduce them. “He’s a cat.”
“Cat?” Kaia mimics. She reaches a hand out to pet Liho. Her touch is rough and she grabs at his fur. Natasha raises her hand to free Liho from Kaia’s hold. The cat quickly makes his exit.
“Gentle, baby,” Natasha instructs her.
Kaia wiggles from Natasha’s arms to slide onto the ground. She crawls over to Liho’s water bowl. She immediately smashes her hand into the bowl in an attempt to pour the water into her mouth. Natasha gasps, pulling the bowl away from her and picking Kaia up. Okay, so she had a few things to learn.
“Are you thirsty sweet girl?” Natasha laughs. She sure hopes you won’t be angry at this little mishap. She stands with Kaia to turn to grab a bottle of water in the fridge. She opens it and holds it out to Kaia. Kaia’s arms leave Natasha’s shoulders to take the bottle with both hands. She immediately guzzles down the water, swallowing harshly. Suddenly, she lets go of the bottle prematurely, spilling much of the water on her shirt. She gasps and coughs. Natasha takes the bottle to set it on the counter while patting her back to help her through. Kaia coughs harshly one more time before giving Natasha a surprised look. “Okay, I am so glad I added baby cups to that list.” Natasha shakes her head. Kaia rubs her hand against her belly. She’s not very happy with her messy shirt. Liho makes a reappearance this time to purr against Natasha’s legs.
“Cat!” Kaia calls out to Liho.
“No, no cat, let’s find something to eat.” Natasha finds a small box of cheerios in the cabinets that she can share. She eats them from time to time. Without a proper chair for the girl, she sits at the table with Kaia on her lap. She foregoes milk and places the cheerios in a bowl. She allows Kaia to eat with her hands while she sends a text to Steve and the rest of the team. She’s positive Steve and Sam told everyone else the situation with you. Everyone sends well wishes and hopes to see you soon. Natasha is pulled from her messaging when Kaia holds up a cheerio in the palm of her hand. She places it against Natasha’s lips and the redhead opens her mouth with a smile.
Were kids always this cute?
“That’s for you,” Natasha tells her but Kaia has other plans. In between feeding herself, she will give Natasha a cheerio. Natasha would take it gratefully. She scrolls through her emails while making sure Kaia eats all of her food. Finally, after the better part of an hour, Kaia pushes the plate away. She’s ready to play. There’s a knock at the front door and Natasha knows it’s the delivery. She asked for no contact and as she peeks through the peephole she knows they followed orders. Kaia waits patiently on the kitchen floor as Natasha brings in the bags. She might have gone overboard with the amount of food. Kaia peeks through the bags with new curiosity. She finds a can of food that she tosses on the ground. She enjoys the loud noises.
Natasha takes the can away and replaces it with a wooden spoon for her to smash against the floor. Kaia happily takes it and taps it haphazardly against the cabinets. There’s another knock at the door. Natasha quickly takes the packages and tosses them to the side. She doesn’t want to leave Kaia for too long. Deciding the toddler is occupied for long enough, she sets out on putting the groceries away.
************
When you finally awaken it’s with a stiffness in your back that you find all too familiar. Your lip still feels a bit sore and you could feel nausea at the forefront of your mind. You wait a few seconds to gather yourself before standing from the bed. The only thing on your mind is to pee. You rush to the bathroom to do your business. You can hear a slight banging coming from the front of the apartment. That’s where Kaia must be. Briefly, your mind wonders if this is all a dream. Did you leave? Did you get away? You find the extra toothbrush left for you. You brush your teeth bent over the sink. You don’t want to look. You don’t want to see how bad it is. Looking would only serve as a reminder. Only this serves to be hard when you need to wash your face. You stand straighter to look at yourself. It’s not as bad as you thought. Certainly not something that should have happened. The apple of your cheek is a purplish color but isn’t scary. Your lip is split and you’re hoping with time it heals. You don’t think you need stitches so hopefully, there’s no scar. You don’t know how long you stand there. You just look at yourself wondering how you ever became this person.
Why did you allow him to do that to you? Why weren’t you strong enough? A squeal from the kitchen pulls you from your thoughts. Kaia is depending on you. She’s depending on you to do better and be better. Even if all you want to do is climb back into the bed and hide under the covers you don’t. She needs you.
You leave the bathroom to follow the sounds of the banging. You are a bit surprised to find the endearing scene in front of you.
Natasha is sitting with her back against the cabinets as Kaia plays with pots and pans in front of her. Occasionally she will give a tap much to Kaia’s delight. You watch them with a smile. You glance over to the time on the stove. 11 A.M. You slept for so long. For some reason, you feel like most of your day is wasted. Natasha laughs at something Kaia does.
“What’s all this?” You ask startling them both. You point over to the packages waiting by the front door. Natasha lifts her head, her eyes following your finger, and then back to you.
“They’re supplies,” She says simply.
“Supplies?” You repeat back. You round the counter to Kaia putting the wooden spoon into her mouth again. Natasha quickly takes it from her much to her disappointment.
“For you and Kaia,” Natasha says. Your eyes widen.
“Natasha, no, I can’t pay you back,” You frown.
“You don’t need to,” She shakes her head. “You need things. Besides, I used Tony’s credit card.” She shrugs with a hint of amusement. You find yourself smiling back. It was always fun to use Tony Starks money. You crouch down to sit on your bottom next to Kaia. She looks over to you before continuing to play with the pots.
“Thank you, Nat.” You say. “I take it they know?”
“I had to tell them,” Natasha gauges your reaction. You nod. Of course, she did. “If they’re going to be your support system they had to know a little bit. Only the important details. That you and Kaia got out and now you’re staying with me.”
You think about that. “Thank you.” Natasha doesn’t respond. She would do it all again if you asked.
“Nat,” You run a hand over Kaia’s head smoothing down her hair. “About last night when... I kissed you.” She tilts her head. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you had to do that. I wasn’t in the right headspace and we’ve never even talked about anything past us. I mean technically I’m still with Keith. Not really. I don’t know. I left and I was here and I was just feeling so many emotions and it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t trying to repay you with sex. At least, not intentionally. So, in short, I’m sorry for putting you in that situation.”
Natasha listens to your rambling so patiently, She lets you get out your thoughts without any judgment. You’re realizing you don’t like that she has such a good poker face. If she was thinking something she doesn’t say it. She simply waits until you’re done.
“First, you didn’t put me in any situation I didn’t want to be in,” Natasha begins. She sits up straighter against the counters. “ I kissed you back. I would think the blame would be more on me for letting it happen when you’re so upset.”
“Nat,” You begin and this time she interrupts.
“I know it’s going to take a while for you to be okay. Let yourself feel everything. It may be confusing. You might even still have feelings for him. Let it happen. I’m right here every step of the way.” She promises.
“Is that fair to you?” You move to bite your lip until you remember the injury. “I’m sitting here crying, bruised, and pregnant with another man’s baby. You’re showing me all of this grace and I don’t deserve it. Why are you being so patient with me?” Your eyes drop to the floor to avoid crying. You’d rather not cry anymore.
“Because you deserve it,” Natasha says firmly. “You deserve patience and kindness. It doesn’t matter what’s fair to me. I’m not going to take advantage of you. Not now and not ever.” You nod.
“Thank you,” You whisper.
“Besides, I am not helping you with the expectation of a relationship.” Natasha asserted. She twirls the spoon around in her hand. “I’m helping you because I care about you. And Kaia.” The silence between the two of you speaks volumes. You’re allowing her words to settle inside of you while she hangs on to her last bit of sanity. She won’t admit it but she’s scared too. She’s terrified of her feelings.
“Your shirt’s all wet,” You notice Kaia’s drenched outfit.
“Yeah we may have had a couple of incidents earlier,” Natasha manages to look guilty.
“It happens, kids are messy.” You say nonchalantly.
“I bought clothes and diapers for her. I hope that’s okay.” Natasha gestures towards the packages.
“It’s fine.”
“Let’s open them,” Natasha stands to grab the first packages for you. She steps over the many pots and pans. Kaia’s eyes follow her with deep interest.
“Do you like Natasha baby bird?” You whisper into her ear. She taps against the pans again and you cringe. Natasha’s neighbors probably wouldn’t be too happy with the noise. Natasha comes back with the first two packages while kicking a box of diapers along the floor. She stops in front of you to open the drawer next to your head. There she finds a box cutter.
“How were you able to get all of this stuff on short notice?”
“I know a guy,” Natasha smirks. She opens the boxes and sets them down between you. “I hope everything fits her. I called in a friend to ask about babies since she has three.” Natasha confesses.
“Well your friend is very good at baby knowledge,” You search through the box. The diaper size is right. “I’m going to go change her quick,” You say while grabbing Kaia. Her shirt is soaked.
“I’m going to put these things away,” Natasha says. “I only have one bedroom so the hall closet will have to do for now.” She begins to put the extras away while leaving out the toys and other necessities she bought. You set Kaia onto a towel on the bed and pull her pants off first. Then you tug the buttons of her onesie. She isn’t much help as you maneuver her around to put on a fresh diaper. The sizing is perfect. Then you grab one of the new t-shirts and a pair of baby sweatpants that are simply adorable. Natasha’s style of choice was cute and it clearly shows that she hand-picked these items.
“Kaia, Mama’s new friend is nice,” You whisper to the toddler. She looks up at you as if she understands. “I know right now I like her. She’s been so helpful. When you meet the team you’ll get to see that they’re all pretty cool people.” Once Kaia is fully dressed you walk back into the living room where Natasha is looking at a giant box. A playpen.
Her hands are on her hips as she sports a look of concentration. How was she going to build this?
“I wouldn’t even bother until later,” You tell her. She drops her hands. She would get it done.
You sit with Kaia on the couch and she follows.
“I made a list of things you needed,” She hands the pen and pad to you. “I don’t know if there’s anything else you need but I figured we could look together.” You look down at the pad. Everything seemed pretty straightforward. “I was wondering about a few important things. Y/n, do you plan on reporting what happened ?” You stop breathing for a second. Kaia wriggles in your arms to be put down. She wants to touch the new toys that are on the floor. You let her go as you’re too busy trying to understand the question.
“Report him?” It feels thick on your tongue. You hadn’t thought that far ahead. “I can’t… I won’t.” Reporting Keith would open up an entirely new can of worms. He’d be in trouble. He’d be so pissed. You don’t want to involve the police in your problems. It’s not worth it.
“Have you thought about that at all?” Natasha dips her head to get you to look at her. You shake your head no. “Y/n, I’m not trying to preach to you but I think it’s something we have to do.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s still out there. He hurt you.”
“He can’t find me,” You say sullenly.
“I know that,” Natasha says. “Sam says it’s important to have a paper trail. For evidence. If he were to try and get custody of Kaia there may be a fight. He could win.”
“Because he’s Keith,” You say. “He has money and good resources and a job. I have none of that. If I report it he’s going to hate me, Natasha. You don’t understand.”
“I do,” Natasha helps to open the toy Kaia brings her. “I understand very well that we could have lost you. I understand that he hurt you and he hurt Kaia. I understand that you are pregnant, Y/n. If you were to go back to him it could be deadly for you and the baby.” Your hand flies to your abdomen.
“I know, I know,” You shake your head. “I know. I just… I don’t want to do that. I don’t want people to know. It’s not. He didn't put me in the hospital. It’s not…”
“How long until he does though?” Natasha isn’t trying to be a bitch. She’s not trying to force you to do something you don’t want. She only wants you to see how serious this situation is.
“Can I think about it?” You look down at your hands. “The rational part of my brain knows what you’re saying. The other part just doesn’t know up from down right now. I didn’t even think I would leave. I never thought I would leave. Can I just have time?”
“Of course, dorogaya.” Natasha says softly.
“You must think I’m stupid.”
“I don’t. I could never.” She moves to close the distance between you. She shows you her hands first before bringing them to your face to wipe your tears away. “None of this is your fault. None of it.” She presses a kiss against your forehead.
“Thank you,” You sigh. Kaia chooses that moment to come to stand between you. She presses her palms against each of your legs to step up on the tip of her toes. She looks at you curiously, noticing the sad look on your face. That’s when you’re reminded why you left. Keith puts his hands on her. Making her cry like that? It’s something you can never forget. “Mama’s okay, baby bird.” Kaia pats your arm and you pick her up. She sits on your lap before turning to Natasha.
“Nat, I don’t think I can have another baby,” You say suddenly. “I never really thought I would get pregnant. I... I don’t know if that’s what I want. We never used protection. He didn’t like it. I just… I never thought I would become this person.”
“What are you thinking?” Natasha asks. She’s still so close that you can smell her soap. It smells fresh and clean.
“I don’t know,” You answer truthfully. “I’m not big on abortion. It’s not. I’m not against it but I just. I don’t know if I could do that. Doesn’t he deserve to know?”
“It’s what you choose,” Natasha presses. “No one else’s opinion matters. Not mine. Not Steve’s. Certainly not Keith’s. It’s your body.”
“When I found out I was devastated,” You rub Kaia’s leg as she takes your left hand into hers. “I couldn't help but think now I was going to be stuck forever. Now I was subjecting another kid to his treatments. Now I’m here and I don’t know. I just… I don’t know how I could ever take care of two babies.”
Natasha doesn’t give her opinion. She doesn’t have one worth sharing. She doesn’t think it’s valuable. She can’t have children. The Red Room made sure that wasn’t a problem for her a long time ago. She’s not going to influence you into doing something you’re unsure of. All she can do is support your decision and be there for you..
“Y/n, I think you should do whatever you feel is best for you and your situation,” She starts.
“It’s crazy,” You wipe a tear away before it can leave your eyes. “For years I’ve only had his opinion. I’ve only done what he wants me to. Now I’m here with this big decision and I don’t know what to do.”
“You will learn again,” Natasha rests her hand on your knee. “You will learn.” Her words feel encouraging and soothing. You would learn how to be human again. You would learn how to think for yourself and do the things in life you wanted. These things took time and probably a lot of therapy. Natasha receives a notification from her phone and she reaches across the coffee table to check it. When she unlocks the phone to view the message she’s frowning.
“Dear God,” She mutters.
“What?” You ask curiously.
She presses play on the video sent to her phone. She doesn’t think she should show this to you.
“Natasha, what?” You ask again.
Finally, she turns the phone towards you. It’s a screen recording of a surveillance camera.
“It’s Keith, he’s outside of the tower.” Natasha turns up the audio on her phone.
“The Avengers are aiding in the kidnapping of my baby,” He yells into the street.
Dear God indeed. What was he doing?
----- > next part
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pinkpigtailsprincess · 6 months
Note
HI ANY TIPS ON BEING THE NEW KID AT A NEW SCHOOL
GENERALLY GETTING ANXIETY ATTACKS LOL
ALSO I LOVE YR BLOG SMM
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𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ Doll tips! ; Being the New Kid!! 🎀⭐️
Tip #1 ; Taking a Breath now speaking from experience being the new kid at school is very nerve racking ik ive done it so many times and just sitting back and just breathing snd relaxing can definitely help just calm you down!!
Tip #2 ; Making a Good Impression!! now for this one i not saying you have to be the most outgoing person ever bc it can be overwhelming especially if you have social anxiety or you just have trouble with interacting!! but definitely being as polite as possible can definitely help you in the long run!!! ⭐️
Tip #3 ; Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself
now since you are new to the school you may or may not have to introduce yourself and ik how nerve racking this can be but doing a simple “Hi! I’m _” is really good if you don’t wish to speak then a simple smile and wave is also just as good!!!
Tip #4 ; Recruiting Friends!!
if you wanna be friends with a particular person try going up to them and saying hi to them also helping people with something is a way to get to know a person or having desk/table mates is like a gold mine for making friends with people !!!
Tip #5 ; Not Everyone is a nice person
if you can tell someone is a mean person stay away from them have little to no contact with this person its will save you all the energy and time because people like this can be extremely draining trust ik that!
Tip #6 ; Be nice but don’t be a pushover
obviously being nice is ESSENTIAL but never let someone cross your boundaries or disrespect you call them out on it don’t make a huge scene obviously but definitely let them know that you’re setting a boundary and if they cross again then cut this person off because obviously they don’t respect your boundaries!!
Tip #7 ; Don’t be a Bystander!!
if you see someone getting bullied say something about it,defend them or just ask them if they’re okay being a bystander to the problem makes you part of the problem as well!!!
Tip #8 ; Don’t let others bring you down
again with making boundaries never let someone cross you or make snarky remarks call them out on it and remember this person words obviously don’t matter what other people say doesn’t define you
Tip #9 ; Join a Club!!
joining a club can be an amazing way to make friends while also doing something you enjoy and over all its just an amazing activity!!
Tip #10 ; Don’t overshare!!!
unless you genuinely trust a person don’t overshare because people switch up and anything you say can and will be used against you!
Tip #11 ; Have Main Character mindset
even if you have zero confidence fake it till you make it!! walk with good posture and some pep in ur step!!🎀
Tip #12 ; If u have a group assignment don’t do all the work
omg i can’t stress this enough only do your part if someone is failing to do their part don’t do it for them let them fail thats their own fault
Tip #13 ; Being popular isn’t everything!
social hierarchy in high school or middle school (idk what grade ur in im sorry!!) is so bleak okay being popular isn’t everything i mean sure by some chance you’ll be popular but still you don’t HAVE to fit in because ur made to stand out
Tip #14 ; Channel ur inner Elle Woods & Cher Horowitz
* apply ur self in ur academics
* if you need help ask its not a bad thing to need help!!
* Make an Organizer to stay in top of ur work!!
* STUDY!! STUDY!! STUDY!!
* if you have an assignment with a rubric read it carefully to ensure you can get the highest grade possible!!
* if you unhappy with your grade or feel like you should’ve gotten a better one ask your teacher to review!!!
* wear cute clothes and style ur hair neatly not to for the lookism esque obviously but looking ur best and feeling your best are definitely good ways to feel better!!! 🎀⭐️
* have a “what? like its hard?” mindset
* Don’t Judge!!
* Pursue ur dreams!!
* Don’t be afraid of a challenge
* Be yourself!!
Tip #15 ; Don’t Leave people out!!!
say ur in a group setting and you see one particular person being left out and not getting their chance to speak make them feel welcome ask them about what they were gonna say and include them into the conversation!!!
Tip #16 ; Eat what makes you happy and don’t yuck someones yum
if someone has a cultural dish for their lunch DON’T EVER make them feel bad about it don’t care what it is that loser behavior! also eat the kind of food that makes you feel good inside and that nourishes your body i definitely suggest packing a lunch the night before!!!
Tip #17 ; Don’t hang around Slackers!!
be friends with people that actually apply themselves in their academic and working for what they want!!!
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I love you anon i hope you do AMAZING at ur new school!!! 🎀⭐️
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bungeepuppet · 4 months
Text
Prompt: Hisoka is reminded of his mother. Rating: 15+ Words: 600 Note:  A drabble I should have posted on Mother's Day!
**Warnings for mentions of child neglect and allusions of human trafficking 💀
--
Hisoka's eyes are staring at something. It is a sliced baguette resting in a basket, cradled in white cloth. His stare is intense.
In his memories, he can see a woman’s hand gripping onto a loaf of bread desperately. He remembers being hungry, but knowing that not a bit of that bread would be for him.
Hisoka is sitting at a table with Illumi in a very expensive restaurant. The restaurant is at the top level of a skyscraper, and has a sweeping city view.
Illumi is talking about nothing in particular, and hasn’t noticed Hisoka’s lack of engagement. Hisoka realizes that he zoned out, lost in a very old memory. It is such a disgusting feeling to him.
“Illumi.”
Illumi pops another bite of his dinner into his mouth.
“Hm?”
“...♠”
Hisoka glances at the bread again before looking back to his date.
“How much are you worth to your parents, do you think?”
Illumi tilts his head at the odd question, but gives it some genuine thought. He rests a knuckle to his chin while he chews. After a moment of contemplating, he finally answers.
“I can’t give any exact amount, but by quick estimate, my services to the family can range from anywhere to the hundreds of billions to tens of trillions of jenny annually.” 
Despite his curtled mood, Hisoka’s nose still crinkles to crush a smile off his lips. Illumi was always so literate.
“That’s not exactly what I meant. ♠” “I mean…” “When you were born, what was your value to your parents? ♣” “How much would someone have had to offer in exchange for you?”
Illumi is confused by the string of questions, but is intrigued nonetheless.
“What reason would they have to sell their child?”
Hisoka can feel his chest chill, as if icy tar is dripping inside him.
“What if your mother was hungry? If she had no money?” “You don’t think under dire circumstances, that she would trade you for a fortune?”
“Hmm…” “My mother?”
Illumi thinks specifically about her.
“No. I don’t believe that she would need to in order to afford food or anything else.”
“Why’s that? ♠”
“Well…” “She is an assassin too, of course.” “If in a situation where she had no assets or resources, and I was an infant, she would easily be able to work a job in order to afford what she needed.”
“Ah, I see.”
Hisoka takes a sip from his drink. He can see her dirty nails clutching the small stack of jenny tight with joy. There is a feeling on his arm; the tight grip of someone’s hand, much larger than his. Tugging him. Tugging him away from her. 
There was so much distress, trying to free himself and return to her. Did she even look up at him again after they gave her the money?
“So, your mother would rather murder someone else than lose her child?”
“Of course.”
Illumi answers like it is so trivial. Hisoka should have expected that of someone with an assassin’s mindset, but still…
“...”
He takes another drink, then picks up a slice of the baguette to butter. He casually takes a bite and drops the memory back into the well it came from.
“You have a good mother. ♠”
Illumi smiles slightly at the comment.
“Yes.”
Illumi continues to talk, this time about random insights regarding his family.
(“My mother worked as an assassin even before she met my father. She is just as skilled as he is, but prefers to watch over my younger brothers now…”)
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gay-dorito-dust · 11 months
Note
soft shy insecure reader comforted by s/o raiden? headcanon or oneshot, hes so cute i need his hugs!
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This went on for a bit, maybe ooc but I can never tell cuz once again I was half asleep when writing this so…yeah. 🦦
The moment Raiden finds out that on this particular day that you were feeling insecure within yourself, he knew what he was going to do and that was going to help you through it the best way he can.
Raiden didn’t think it would be right of him to just not be there for you when you needed someone to be there to stabilise your footing when you tripped and be ready to catch you when you’d inevitably fall later on. Raiden was more than ready to be that person, it was practically engraved within his heart and soul, it was his code.
He stood stand tall and strong like an oak tree in order to uphold and protect those who could no longer carry themselves any further.
Upon reaching you, Raiden would sit himself down next to you and would then ask in a low and steady voice;
‘is there a particular reason as to why you don’t like the way you look?’ Wanting to hear you speak your mind, to speak your feelings. He genuinely wanted to understand your perspective because not once would Raiden interrupt you or cut you off midway but instead chose to listen to you intently; his warm, understanding eyes reused to look away from your own.
His eyes looked at you so deeply that you couldn’t help but become vulnerable and open beneath his gaze, but in the way where you knew that you were in a safe space to shed a few tears, have bouts of frustration and allowing yourself to be angry without fear; even going into great depths as to why you didn’t appreciate nor accept the body that you were in, recounting events that enforced this awful and damaging mindset, telling you that you were just that fucking hideous and disgusting to even look at that.
And god forbid if you were to be seen at in any other way that wasn’t negative, your mind made you believe that you were a joke to be laughed at -or even a bit gullible- to ever believe that such words of kindness and adoration could ever be used to describe someone of your physique. It just wasn’t possible and you didn’t think it would become reality either but then Raiden came into the picture...until you replaced through no fault of his own.
Raiden throughout this was so kind and so incredibly patient with you, that once you had gotten everything off of your chest, of which that had been weighing you down on for as long as you could remember and then gradually being crushed beneath it’s unbelievable weight; you felt a weight had been taken off of your shoulders and yet it didn’t make much of a difference as to how you felt before.
‘I just don’t think I’m worth you Raiden.’ You finalised, looking at him from beneath your eyelashes before gesturing towards your reflection within the mirror before you. ‘I mean, look at me.’
‘I am looking at you right now.’ Raiden replied, not looking at the mirror but more so at you directly. ‘And all I’m seeing is a beautiful/handsome/viberant soul at war with itself over imperfections that I wholeheartedly adore as I do the rest of them.’ He could see the disbelief within your eyes as they stared deeply into the pair staring back at you from the reflective surface. So Raiden then stood up, catching your attention almost immediately, as your thoughts raced to every possible conclusion as to why he chose to stand up but before you could get the words out, Raiden had already offered out his hand to you with a gently smile.
‘Take my hand.’ He said softly.
‘Why?’ You questioned, skeptical.
‘Just trust me, my heart, I want to show you something.’ Raiden gently ushered.
You didn’t question him any further and reached out for his hand, where he’d then grasp it gently and then Raiden proceeded in pulling you up from your bed, bringing you closer to the mirror.
‘What do you see?’ Raiden asks before moving himself behind you so he could hold you against him and rest his head upon your shoulder.
‘I see a person who isn’t pleasing within any sense of the word.’ You began. ‘I see someone who spent putting too much effort into being someone their not and are now realising that they’ll never be desirable to anyone because they were never meant to be desired. They were meant to be mocked, shamed and belittled for even attempting.’
‘We couldn’t be looking at two different very people.’ Raiden tells you, his eyes meeting yours through the mirror. ‘For the person you speak so ill of is the same person that I have devoted my entire heart into loving for the rest of my life.’ He then presses a kiss to your shoulder, then a couple more after that in quick succession, cussing a warmth to spread across your body. ‘I adore the person I see before me because to me, they took both my heart and my breath away the moment I saw them, then leaving me desperate as to known their name as it left their lips sweetly.’
When you didn’t say anything, just absorbing his words and letting them sit within you, Raiden then continued. ‘The person I see before me has enchanted my mind, consumed my every thought and even graced my dreams with their presence, something they still do to this very day and do you wanna know who their name is?’
‘My name.’ You replied meekly, pointing toward yourself and Raiden smiles as he presses a kiss to the side of your head, making sure to linger there before pulling away. ‘Yes y/n, it’s your name, my love.’ He muttered softly, tugging you closer to have you against his chest, all the while his strong arms kept you in place. Raiden’s embrace was warm, soft and loving, so much so that you couldn’t help but melt just that little bit deeper into his hold; burying your head into his neck, having become a little exhausted as a smile gracing your lips.
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