#it’s not even like. my normal sad depressed I just feel empty and be going thru the motions

[witherbythesword]

.

[alolan-weavile]

not to be posting about myself on my own blog but this is THE most depressed I’ve been since the start of the year

[tyunni]

🦢̼ࣳ 10:36ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ( you're just a warm body to hold , at night when i'm feeling all alone )

Genre (𝐈): heeseung x fem!reader , angst , exes 2 nothing. Warnings (𝐈𝐈): toxic relationship , y/n is overly obsessed with heeseung , mentions of somewhat making out? not properly proofread so there might be grammar mistakes ! Word Count (𝐈𝐈𝐈): 1k+;

𝒜uthors note: 2 may posts in a row is absolutely mind boggling! this is for @jlheon 's bea event, very fun to write! (i'm not quite sure if I'm past the due date, if i am just consider this a normal drabble! today is my last exam so i was busy all day yesterday ㅠㅠ)

Laying in your bed at 10:36 PM, your eyes brimmed to the top with hot tears that feel almost as heavy resting atop your bottom eyelashes as the feeling of your sinking heart is when you finally realize that love is, indeed, pain.

You think about him. He and his beautiful, round, chocolate eyes that once looked at you so curiously despite the bags under weighing them down, how his slanted nose turned red when the cold air hit his face, how soft he felt under your fingertips when you traced each and every one of his features. Back then you felt as though every dent and imperfection in your fingerprints fit perfectly against the texture of his skin, connecting like puzzle pieces every time you stopped the motion of your wrists and rested your palm against his cheek, your own curious eyes greedily taking in every little detail about the boy in front of you. His ravishing, charming smile that would make its way onto his face when he caught you admiring the shape of his lips was far too alluring for you to notice the slight twitch of his eyebrows, a saddened expression replacing the one of mischief and genuine desire of fun.

That’s all you were to him, fun. But to you, he was everything. The way he would smile against your skin, his big hands resting on the small of your back as his guidance towards his lap ended victoriously, with you situating yourself on his thighs and giggling at the ticklish feeling of his dark locks dancing against your sensitive neck. The thought of that, back when Heeseung was still yours, usually made your heart flutter and your knees go weak, but now that it’s nothing but a memory, the same butterflies that would roam around your stomach happily now gnaw at the enclosure and slowly climb up your throat, your palm swiftly slapping against your mouth to stop them from escaping. Dizziness and nausea came naturally after your mind would get flooded with the thoughts of Heeseung, you felt every symptom of food poisoning in the wake of swallowing Heeseung’s rotten heart with a proud smile on your face. You felt sick, love sick.

After an hour of laying in bed, trying to drown your sorrows with your own tears, you decide to call him. The past month you had had your ex, if you could even call him that, on dial almost every night, his warm embrace like a drug you couldn’t get enough of. Your shakey digits press against the numbers on your screen, and with just one click you were officially crawling right back to him. Heeseung decline your call, which means he’s on his way to you, again. You need him, again. He’ll come over and lull you to sleep with his soft touches, again. Next morning you’re going to wake up to an empty bed and pretend this never happened, again.

After a while you can hear the creaking of your door, indicating Heeseung has entered your room and has returned to you.

“y/n,” you feel your bed sink as he sits right beside your balled-up form, letting out a deep sigh at the all too familiar situation. “We can’t keep doing this, y/n.”

He had said those exact words the night before, and the night before that too, but this time it feels different. This time you know he’s right.

“I know…” your croaky voice seems to be only tugging at your own heartstrings this time, only you feel sorry for yourself. Sorry for the sad, depressing joke of a human you had become after corrupting and molding yourself into nothing but a heart that beats for another, lungs that breathe for someone else, and a mind that slaves away only thinking about one person.

Heeseung kicks his shoes off, climbing into your sheets, body facing you, “this is the last time, okay?” his finger finds its way under your chin, tilting it upwards for you to face him. You look into his eyes, you see nothing. It’s empty, he has lost all feelings for you, even the feeling of pity that you were so desperately clinging onto, disgusted with the shell of a person you had become in the process. You had lost him, completely this time.

“‘Kay…” you sigh, the breath you let out a mixture of relief and sadness as you sink into his arms and feel your skin bleed into his own for the last time. For once, you don’t melt under his touch, for the little warmth he secretly held for you has now completely evaporated and instead replaced itself with the ice-cold wall he had put up between you two despite your bodies remaining pressed up against each other.

He kisses the crown of your head, leaving a light peck on your forehead right after. “Goodnight, y/n…”

You look up at him slightly, The lovey-dovey nicknames he once called you had completely left his vocabulary tonight, instead your name fell past his once-red lips that seemed to have turned blue under the low illuminance of your nightlight. You feel alone, even with the one you desire right in front of you. His arms wrapped around you hold no weight to them, only your blanket keeping your body warm. Yet you still hold on. You clutch onto him dearly, sobbing into his chest, your hands that had the hem of his t-shirt balled up into a fist now roam around his back as you pull yourself impossibly closer to him, your lips find their way towards Heeseung’s to capture them for the last time, desperately swiping your tongue against his lower lip for him to let you in and dance his tongue against yours, but he doesn’t.

And now you know, you understand, that you’re holding onto a pale, ghostly, blue corpse.

You pull away from him after you feel his almost bony fingers gently stroke your hair. He shushes you, pulling you closer to him and humming a soft melody that can only be described as the requiem of your love, with no one but you to adorn yourself with the color black, cry and pray for it, and watch its casket get buried six feet underground.

©tyunni please don't copy, translate or repost any of my work!

[babygorewhore]

Eddie Munson x fem reader

When Eddie wakes up one night, he finds you alone and having a breakdown. And he refuses to let you go through it alone.

So, I’ve thought about this for a little bit and I decided to write this hurt comfort with Eddie. This isn’t me saying I’m writing for ST again. I have no plans to. I may once in a while in the future. But I make no promises. However, Eddie is a comfort character and I miss writing him. One final note. I do not want to hear or sense ANYTHING about the photos I use in my header. They are based on ME. All my headers are. It’s self inserted aesthetics. So don’t come into my inbox or anything about it. Thanks. Dividers by @xxbimbobunnyxx

Warnings! Talks of depression! Mild self harm! Reader has BPD, autism and depression! Feelings of worthlessness, anger and isolation. But happy ending as always!

Eddie woke up after a chill of cold ignited his shirtless body. He blinked a few times, gathering his senses in the dark and he looked over to the other side of the bed. It was empty. He sighed and sat up, wiping his face. His hair was messy so he tied it back with a ponytail. He always stole them from you. He removed himself from your shared bed, throwing on one of his many band hoodies and searched for you.

The apartment was quiet but he spotted you on the sofa, your headphones secure on your head and you rocked back and forth. The tv was off and so were the lights. He didn’t want to scare you but Eddie needed to make himself known. He stepped in front of you and you glanced up.

Your eyes were bloodshot. Despair darkening them and he noticed your lips were bloodied. Your legs were completely covered in bruises. You took off your headphones, the security blanket that kept you from losing your mind from overstimulation and Eddie’s eyebrows were pulled together in sadness.

“Did you hit yourself, sweetheart?” You didn’t respond and Eddie couldn’t help himself from saying, “Why? You don’t deserve that, baby. Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because I just didn’t.” You finally reply and he exhales sharply.

“Princess, you know you can talk to me. You can rely on me. But every time you go through this, you pull away. You avoid. You run. You don’t need to-“

“You don’t get it.” You shake your head but Eddie wasn’t going to give up so easily this time.

“Then help me. Help me to understand. You’re not gonna scare me away, baby. I promise.” He didn’t expect you to stand up and for a split second he was hopeful you’d ask for an embrace but instead you turn away.

“I don’t say because it’s stupid, Eddie. Why would you want to waste your time listening to this?” He was shocked at your words. His heart ached at the sight of you physically shaking, arms crossed and eyes avoiding his.

“Why are you so mean to yourself? You haven’t done anything wrong-“

“Nothing wrong? Come on, Eddie! Everything I do is wrong! I’m a mistake. A burden and I’m not normal. All I do is mess up. I’m nothing.” You snap and he steps forward.

“That’s not true-“ He tries to interrupt but you push through.

“Yes it is! Eddie, look at me. Do you see anyone who wants to be around me? Do you see anyone who tolerates me more than a few hours? No. Because who the fuck wants to deal with someone who struggles getting out of bed? Or who can’t eat? I can’t even drive myself because I’m too scared! I’m in my twenties and I feel like my life is just dark and grey. I’m a complete useless mess!” Your voice grew louder at the end and unshed tears burned your eyes.

Eddie was horrified at how cruel you were speaking about yourself. These thoughts never crossed his mind and he couldn’t fathom a world without you.

“I mean why are you with me, Eddie? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t know what’ll happen when I wake up? Who hits themself with they get angry? Or when I can barely function?” You bury your face in your hands and breathe heavily.

Eddie was speechless for seconds. Unable to get the words out. He was overwhelmed by your confession, deeply saddened by the way you viewed yourself. But he shoved aside any doubts and embraced you in a bear hug. His strong arms were wrapped around you, squeezing tight-probably too tight but you returned the hug. He rested his head against yours, rocking you slightly and then he pressed a kiss against your hair.

He pulled back, hands gripping your shoulders. He looked you in the eye, something you struggled with and cleared his throat. “I need you to listen to me, sweetheart. Through everything I’m about to say. Can you do that for me?”

You nod.

“All of those things you said about yourself? They aren’t true. None of them. Your mind is lying to you. Your mind is being vicious to you. And I know what that’s like, baby. I know how that feels. And it’s heartbreaking for me to hear you say those things. And to see bruises from your own fists. I’m not gonna stand here and allow you to ever fight this alone. You are my perfect girl. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone more than you. If that means I have to tell you this? Even when you don’t want to hear it? I will. You aren’t a burden. You aren’t worthless. Maybe your depression lies to you, but I never would. Baby, never let me sleep with you feeling this way again. Wake me up. Scream. Cry. Just let it out. You can count on me. You saved me. In a lot of ways. After Vecna, you never left my side. Why would I ever, leave you?”

“But-but what if I never get better?” You whimper, tears streaming. Eddie wipes them away with his thumb.

“Princess, depression isn’t something that can be cured. But you will never be alone in dealing with it. When you can’t carry it, I will help you. You are my life. Do you hear me?” He gently shakes you and you sniffle. “Now, can I please kiss you? I feel like I’ll burst.”

You manage to laugh and he leans forward, pressing his lips to yours in a sweet, gentle kiss. He lingered on your lips, “Now, come on. Let’s go back to bed. I’ll read to you, that usually does the trick with getting you to sleep.”

“I love you, Eddie. I know it sounds weird because we’re always together, but I missed you. I missed talking to you.” He nods and strokes your cheek.

“I missed you too, sweetheart. But it’ll get better. You’re my strong girl. You can do this.”

Tagging @marchsfreakshow @slvt4jamesmarch @lesservillain @take-everything-you-can @starkeysprincess @emsgoodthinkin @littlexdeaths @voyeurmunson @rowanswriting @hippiegoth97 @munson-mjstan @ali-r3n @gri959

[writingoddess1125]

I Fell in love Alone

Was on my sad Spotify and thought of this. First sad fic!

Enjoy Depression!!

Sad Angst

No warnings just sadness

Buggy x GN reader

Part 2

Sitting up from bed, you covered yourself with the large patchwork blanket still nude from the evening before and alone like every morning after.

For 6 months it had been this way with your Captian- the infamous Captian Buggy, at first it had started off as a drunken fling but he kept calling you back.. every night he called for you, had you sit close to him, whisper sweet words over how you were his only. This had continued for these 6 months but every day that passed you couldn't help but feel... empty?

It was like his words had become no better then a script that he followed in order for you to stay the night in his bed, like his touches were to only satisfy his need and not to savor you.

Sitting there in his large bed you look around, like for the first time you'd seen it. Had he ever spent a morning with you? Ever bothered to wake you up from your slumber?... had he ever kissed you? A hollowness began to fill your soul as the realization flooded you.

Getting up you dress quickly, not wanting to stay in the room any longer as that hollowness seemed to fill you further. Rushing out quickly you head out to go to the messhall for a meal, walking in you heard the place filled to the brim. No one bothered to question were you had come from- everyone knew.

Getting your food you sat with a random group of performers.

"Oh person of the month I see" Some of them giggle at you, they always did this- while they were too fearful to outright call you our of your name they would do this instead.

"You do know I heard (Y/N) his flavor of the month right? Is pushing six months- Gotta say longest Captian has had so theyve gotta be doing something right"

The juggler girl said with a laugh, the others at the table also agreeing. Some of the people there talking about their time with the Captian as well, you sitting quietly pushing around your breakfast as you felt a hole in your heart developing with each tale of passionate nights and sweet nothings he had said to your fellow crewmates that he did bed drunk or sober alike.

Their words felt like blades against paper skin and they just cut so deep.

After exiting the messhall you went to your post- continuing to do the large labor of your job, the pull from your muscles and sweat from your back not even facing you as the labor felt better then his gaze which you knew was following you. He always did like to watch you, Normally you turn back and smile at him savoring his validation but.. not now.. not ever again.

You hadn't stopped, not until the call for dinner had brought you out of your working daze. The need for food beating the emotional exhaustion, so you headed back to the mess hall to gather some food.

Making a plate you try to hide, seeing Buggy was there laughing loudly and drinking. You knew the moment he saw you he'd-

"Ah there you are (Y/N)! Come over here" He said with a laugh and waved you over. Reluctantly you did, knowing were he wanted you- seated right to his side so he could show you off while speaking with his underlings. Like a child showing off his shiny toy.

He laughed loudly, his hand finding its way to your hip as he held you close.. your skin crawling st the feeling as you felt more like an object then anything romantic at this point.

"So as I was saying- I'm sure (Y/N) doesn't mind- besides I'm sure they would wear a (least favorite color) leotard for the next show!" He laughed, his hands still on you as he spoke like you weren't even there. It felt like he had just stabbed you in the chest, as a burn of embrassment surgery through you. Looking up to see a few of your peers from afar looking at you, like for the first time you had seen the pity in their eyes and the second hand embrassment at the sight of you.

"Buggy... what is my favorite color?" You ask calmly, He looked at you with a raised brow laughing off the question as he thought it was a joke at first. It wasn't until he caught your eye that he realized you were serious and his lips sealed shut at the lack of answer.

"....When is my birthday?" You ask a different question, a realization of what you were doing set in and he gave a laugh placing his hand back on your hip.

"I know we're your birthmark is" He says with a laugh as the other crewmates in earshot laughed as well. You gently peel his hand from your hip and stand up, Walking out of the mess hall as you hear Buggy call after you which you ignored.

Humiliation shot through your system as the feeling of hot tears warmed your eyes... you were a fool- The biggest fool in this entire circus that you were apart of. Walking out onto the deck you grab one of the spare blankets that seemed to always be left out, wasn't like anyone really kept the place organized anyway..

Standing by the railing of the ship you wrapped the blanket around yourself tighter, looking out at the endless sea. At night like this when the moon was full it looked like you were sailing on stars.

"Hey There you are! What the hell was that about? You made me look like a fool in there!-" Buggy started, you could hear he was buzzed just by the jovial tone in his voice.

"Ha... you the fool.. hilarious" You say softly the feeling of fresh tears staring to run down your face-

"Aw don't be that way baby! Come on its no big deal anyway, let's say I make it up to you back in my cabin and we forget this night even happened"

You look back at Buggy, The large tears running down your cold cheeks. He froze, his heart clenching at the sight of you like this and he.. didn't know what to do- What to say. Had you ever cried in the times you had know him.

"Whats wrong why are yo-" You cut him off quick. Closing your eyes tightly in hopes to stop the tears.

"What is my favorite color?.. a food I like.. anything?" You whispered out, Biting your lip to keep a sob back.

"I...I what do you want me to say (Y/N)?.. I mean is it uh Is it Gray? Blue? Red? I mean you like... Me?" He managed to breath out a forced laugh, swallowing a lump in his throat as he gestured randomly around himself like you could understand how ridiculous this was for him.

"You don't love me do you?.. I really am just am your flavor of the month right?"

Buggy's face falls at your words. You take a shaky breath at this and wait for his answer, but he just stands there opening and closing his mouth unable to form words- A mix of a gentle sob and laugh finally escape you at his lack of answer.

You sniffles and wrapped the blanket tighter around yourself as if it could cover the vulnerability you felt and fear in your heart. Turning away from Buggy as you slowly walked past him, wiping the few remaining tears away.

"You know....I never thought I'd fall in love alone. Goodnight Captian..."

You say softly before heading downstairs, leaving Buggy standing on the deck of his ship alone and a pain he had never felt before in his heart.

[widowmaxff]

In overwhelmed, it mentions that Y/N used to be in a dark hole and how Wanda is afraid she’d go back to it. Can you write about it? Like what happened?

hope ur ok

pairings: mom!wanda × daughter!reader (platonic)

warnings: depressed reader, cryingg, bad thoughts, and sad sad things

a/n: okay how did you pay so much attention to what i wrote in overwhelmed bc i didnt even remember writing that 😭 BUT THANK YOU for the request i literally just ramble what was in my head but hope you like it love!

HOW YOU CAN HELP PALESTINE!

You don't know when it started, much less why it started. Maybe a few days ago, a month ago, maybe a year ago the signs that something was wrong started to appear. It was almost as if these feelings were always there, just hidden by a layer that was slowly removed and made everything more difficult. It seemed like there were days when you could easily deal with it, maybe ignoring it or just hiding it very well, you didn't know. But there were days that were more difficult. It was more difficult to get out of bed, your appetite was barely there, you didn't want to leave your room, just stay in darkness and total silence. Even though this silence made your head spin, it was better than anyone talking and making you even more depressed.

If someone asked the people closest to you if you were sensitive, you were sure that more than half of them would say no. They would talk about how you had a frozen heart, that you didn't cry when you watched a sad movie, that you didn't fall in love with the character when watching or reading a novel, that you didn't care when someone was fighting with you. But deep down, you knew it was a lie. You felt hard feelings most of the time, including when watching sad films. Maybe you just don't like showing the sadness and emptiness you feel. It makes you feel weak, worthless, and selfish, especially selfish. You shouldn't feel this way, not when you had the perfect life: a loving mother, food on the table, new clothes, and expensive sneakers. Then why?

You didn't really care that you felt depressed, you knew that eventually it would pass, just like every other time - even if that feeling came back some time later, even worse. It wasn't like anyone noticed and said anything to you, even though you were sure most of the adults around you blamed it on teenage hormones when they saw you sulking or just isolating yourself in your room all day. Maybe a few questions like 'are you okay?', even though they knew you would respond with something positive even if everything was falling apart. But there was always someone. Someone who knew that it wasn't just teenage hormones but something that was slowly consuming you. Wanda, your mother, was that someone, and she certainly didn't let those details slip.

The first time you actually showed that you were in a depressing state was on a random Thursday at six-thirty in the morning. Wanda didn't mind much in the first moments when you refused to get out of bed, it was normal for any teenager to not be able to stand school. But when you finally decided to show up for the morning in the Compound's kitchen, she was surprised. You had big black bags under your eyes that were tired and red, looking like you hadn't slept well that night and maybe you had been crying most of it. Wanda didn't take long to ask if something had happened and if you were okay, only receiving a murmur of something like ‘'m fine' before turning back to look at the emptiness of space. Tony who was nearby joked “Maybe the red eyes are because of something she used. Don't tell me you snuck out to a party, Mini Maximoff?”, you'd laugh on any other day, even replying something like 'Yes, I did some hard drugs at a party. How do you know?', but that wasn't the case. Stark laughed to himself after saying that sentence but soon the sound of his voice disappeared when he realized that you hadn't heard him and, apparently, nothing around you.

The second time was right after a mission Wanda had done. It was only three days away from you and everything seemed different when she came back. The first thing she noticed was that you didn't run into her arms when she stepped inside the Compound, much less respond to the messages she sent you a few hours earlier. Obviously like a worried mother she went after you, not taking long to find you in your room with all the lights off, two blankets around your body and how it looked like the things in your room had been in the same place since your mother left for the mission. She turned on the light in your room, hearing a soft growl leave your lips. You were awake and conscious, so it didn't make sense for you to want to be lying down and almost sinking into your mattress at four o'clock in the afternoon. She remembered when you were little and couldn't sleep if at least one light wasn't on, now it was ironic to think that you just lived in the darkness and emptiness of your room without fear that some monster would catch you, because no monster could hurt you like depression was.

Wanda couldn't count how many more episodes like those happened and lasted for several days. She was worried, very worried. She was afraid that you would end up doing something that would hurt you, end everything. It was obvious that your mother tried to ask you what was wrong, how she could help you, but you always said that you just woke up on the wrong foot that morning and that everything was fine. Of course, how were you going to tell her what was happening if you didn't even know. There was no reason for you to feel down like that and not even the absurd desire to just want to close your eyes and not open them again. And every day that passed, this dark hole you were in would get deeper and deeper. You knew you needed to ask for help before it was too late. 

It was no longer strange when once again that week you had no will to live. You look at the clock next to your bed and realize that your mother would be coming to your room to call you for another day in two minutes and a few seconds. Just the thought of 'one more day' made you want to throw up the food you didn't even eat the day before, as that empty feeling made your hunger go away. But as much as vomiting, you wanted to cry, cry until you couldn't take it anymore. And it was no surprise when the tears started to fall and you couldn't stop. Even though you are not a loud person, trying to keep yourself in your own bubble, the sobs wanted to get out of your throat anyway.

“Darling?” Wanda didn't mind knocking on your bedroom door in the morning, since you would be sleeping, well, not at that moment. When she heard the choking sounds you were making to keep from crying, she didn't take long to run towards your body on the bed and get under your covers, pressing you against her chest giving the perfect comfort to let you know that you weren't alone. “Oh, my love.” Wanda has seen you cry, many, many times, but it was so different to see you cry as if you were drowning in a sea and needed help from someone, anyone. “It's okay, Mama is here.” With each passing minute it seemed like the tears were getting even bigger than before, but you tried to focus on Wanda's heartbeat as you placed your hand on her chest, making you feel calmer despite all the panic. 

The lullaby that starts to leave her lips and go straight to your ear makes you start paying attention to the soft melody and not your terrible thoughts. The language Wanda sang in, Sokovian, was not understood by you, but you still remembered when she sang you to sleep on the days you had nightmares. It was as if Wanda was using her magic to calm you down, even though you knew she would never use her powers on you without your permission, but her voice was so sweet that it was more powerful than any of her red magic. Your breathing becomes soft and your movements slow, as if you were choosing the right words to get rid of that moment, but with your mother there it was almost impossible to lie.

“I wanna get help,” You murmur for just her to hear, despite there being no one else in the room with you two. “b-but I don’t even know why I’m like this.” Your crying had stopped, but you still choked to say a few words. Admitting those words out loud seemed like a challenge for you, and when you said them, a weight seemed to lift off your back despite not having yet deciphered all your feelings. And Wanda knew that. She knew how hard you were to avoid looking like a weak person even if you weren't, even if asking for help wasn't a sign of weakness but rather of improvement.

Your mother kisses your head, taking a few seconds before cupping your face and looking at it. “I'm so proud of you, my angel.” You didn't see pity or lies in the expression on her face. You didn't see disappointment and much less as if you were a problem for her. “I'm glad you want to ask for help, and I'm here for it, yeah?” You felt a little guilty when you saw a tear come out of your mother's eyes, but she was still smiling. The same smile you saw when you woke up, or when you told her some good news, or even when you told her a joke. Wanda never wanted you to feel anything negative about her. She never took out any frustration on you, never made you feel bad when you got a bad grade at school, or when you accidentally knocked a glass on the floor. “I will help you with whatever you need, my love. It will be slow, but I promise that the tightness in your chest will pass, okay?”

“I trust you.” She nods before pulling you into a hug that she knew you needed more than anything at that moment. The process would take a long time until you felt well again, you both knew that, but it was never too late. It's never too late to ask for help, because it's normal to need someone to pull you out of the dark hole sometimes, it's normal to not feel good all the time. Having feelings is normal, even if sometimes they are too deep, or too shallow. You just needed to realize that you were never alone, that people around care about you and will always want the best for you. 

“I love you so much. Always remember that.”

“I love you too, Mama.”

[777gojosgf]

reader deals with heavy depression after geto disappeared

tw: heavy heavy talk about depression

a/n: i haven’t posted on here for like 2 months and this was in my angsty drafts for awhile lol so it’s pretty shit but err whatever

another side note: reader already deals with seasonal depression but geto’s disappearance was like triggering

——

the pounding in your head never came to cease, a rhythmic movement you have grown to crave instead of avoid. the longing of letting yourself succumb to these dark thoughts because it’s the only time you feel like yourself.

as if you were born miserable.

you laid on the floor of your dorm room, the scribbled down notes splattered with tears were all across your room. you had decided to take up the advice to write your feelings down in a way to sort whatever you felt inside. however, you found yourself unable to put it into words.

it’s a feeling that someone who has never felt it is not able to imagine it. after all, what sane person craves to be sad?

however, it's possible that this is what gave you a sense of aliveness at this moment. and it's not just some kind of sadness, nor is it because you want attention. it’s a seasonal condition that resurfaces the instant you manage to get back on your feet and start living your life normally again.

it returns in moments of enjoyment, when everyone is together and making jokes. yet, you feel out of place, as if you are not present with them. your mind wanders to thoughts you shouldn't have in such a nice setting. it’s as if you attract these sombre ideas and are unable to adjust to the tranquilly that everyone else appears to have.

you were so tired of feeling like you were crazy.

you were unable to do anything once he left. it felt as if time had stopped, but life compelled you to continue. why did it appear like it did not matter to anyone? how could everyone just keep living and looking at you with pity?

it truly wears you down to be bound to someone for so long.

sometimes you wish you could crawl out of your body and see yourself from a different perspective. to check if you could still feel the anguish or if it was simply embroidered in your bones. if there was anything else to you but this sense of nothingness.

you had never felt lonelier than in a room full of your friends.

the worst part of it all was that nothing helped.

you knew that it would get better.

and it does get better.

but how much worse can things get before you glimpse the light again? how long will it be before your brief moment of enjoyment fades?

you had considered running after him. must set aside all your principles, because what morals are there to follow if you don't have the one thing in your life that keeps you going?

what’s the point in anything if not for love?

you wanted to shout that your brain simply functions in this manner and that you weren't being dramatic. knowing you are unable to stop the self-destruction your body has created. that, like everyone else, you have made a sincere effort to get up and make the most of it. you really did try. you all had a wound to heal, but you chose to leave it open.

so when gojo broke down your door and fell down beside you to see if you were still alive after not having left your dorm room for days—even though it had seemed you were getting better—you had knew that everything has gone too far.

this emptiness inside of you.

the agony.

everything went too far.

he went too far.

and you were aware that you could not have accomplished what he did in any lifetime. that you couldn't force yourself to crawl after him because you would never stoop so low.

after years of telling each other broken promises that are now coming back to haunt you, there was only one thing left to realise: you had to carry on. it was not your fault that you felt the way you did, and there is probably no way to fix it. but it was time to let yourself heal and accept that you are not okay.

that it’s okay to ask for help.

if not for yourself, than for your friends.

gojo had not been able to shake you out of your paralyzed state, and it wasn’t until the feeling of his tear dropping on your face that you finally looked at him. him shouting that you can’t let it get to you, that he can’t lose you too fell almost deaf upon your ears.

you had allowed yourself to sit up straight and fall into his arms, tears silently pouring down your cheeks in a strange sensation of relief, which only exacerbated your already severe headache. you were both sobbing as you huddled together in your dorm room. both unwilling to accept what has happened and forced to continue pretending to understand.

neither of you had mentioned that night ever again.

there was a before geto, a during geto, but you never imagined there would be an after him, and it would be so devastating.

but you were grateful gojo found you when he did; otherwise, there was no guarantee you'd be here today. teaching the next generation while the memory of geto stays with you.

he would always be a part of you, and you had learnt to accept and love it rather than allowing it to break you apart.

to heal.

[bagopucks]

C. Caufield - Linear Progress

✄————————————

Cole Caufield x Fem!reader

Requested✨

Word Count: 3.3k

Warning(s): anxiety, mention of depressive episode, sad!cole

These upcoming fics are all things from my notes app from last season, doctored and given a finish so I could post! Some of these are so long it’d be a shame to just delete.

—————————————

His smile barely reached his eyes. His laughter was distant and distracted. Cole, so used to keeping good posture to feel like he measured up to those around him, stood about as poorly as a pregnant mother. His gloved hands clasped in front of himself as he shifted his weight from skate to skate.

I couldn’t take pictures of him like that. People would never notice the vulnerable state he was in, but I did. He looked so nervous. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but on the ice. And I knew that’s exactly what was going through his mind, because he’d pulled all the stops that morning trying to get me to call off for him. He’d tried saying he didn’t feel good, then he tried saying he just wanted to lay in bed. Then he tried faking a headache, and he tried tricking me into thinking he had gone back to bed. By the time I got him into the car, Cole’s attitude had done a complete switch. All of a sudden it was like work was the best place on earth. We had parted ways to do our separate things, but when I came down to the ice with my camera, I could sense Cole’s discomfort from a mile away.

“You wanna hit something other than the glass, Coley?” I watched Cole through the lens of my camera. Watched the way he brushed off the chirp with a quiet chuckle and a nod. He just wanted to stay home. I should have let him. Practice was only an hour, but it certainly felt longer. Between everybody’s endless digs on the blonde, and the occasional glances in Cole’s direction from coaches, I could see his facade cracking and fading.

I didn’t capture near as many photos as I would have liked, but my boss would just have to use what the other photographers got. Surely we’d have more than enough. I tucked my camera back into its bag by the time practice ended, watching the boys leave the ice, and eventually walking toward the visitors tunnel. I stopped short though, when I heard a puck slam off the glass. I turned back to the ice, my heart sinking in my chest at the frustration on Cole’s face.

“Fucking empty net.” His voice carried through the empty arena.

This had nothing to do with the empty net in the present. It had to do with the empty net he missed one week prior. That seemed to have started his scoring drought.

“Fuck.” He spat out. My brow furrowed as he skated toward the bench, my body tensing in anticipation as he raised his stick, clearly ready to slam it off the top of the bench wall until it broke. Before he could even bring the stick down, his entire body relaxed. He found reason within his anger. Or maybe he had simply given up. I watched Cole throw the stick aside in the bench instead, saying, ‘fuck it,’ before he stomped down the tunnel toward the locker room.

He had just returned from an injury. Adjusting was normal. Relearning some things was normal. But Cole wasn’t patient with himself. He never was. I carried my camera down the separate hall, half tempted to retrieve Cole’s stick, but ultimately deciding against it. He’d be embarrassed if he knew I’d watched him lash out like that. He hated when people saw any side of him that wasn’t the usual giggly and fun side.

I stole away to my office to finish a few things before I received a message from him, trying to speed up the process of downloading photos to my computer as Cole’s face popped up on my phone screen. I quickly answered the call.

“Hey, babe-“

“I wanna go home.” So much for pleasantries, but I hadn’t expected them in the first place.

“Give me maybe.. fifteen minutes, okay?” Silence followed my request for time.

“Please.” I heard his voice echo, my brow furrowing as I glanced toward my phone.

“Are you in the bathroom?”

“I just wanna go home.” I could have sworn I heard Cole’s voice quiver.

“You can come sit in my office while you wait.”

“I’m okay.” I wanted to pinch my nose. To grab him by the shoulders and shake the stubbornness out of him.

“Why don’t you go wait in the car then?” I bit my lip as I looked back at my computer.

“‘Kay. But.. just fifteen minutes, right?”

My eyes lit up when the photos finally loaded onto the computer.

“Less than fifteen.” I answered, “I’ll be fast.”

I tried to stay true to my word, but when my boss stopped me in the hall, I knew it would be far longer than fifteen minutes. A half an hour longer to be exact. When I got out of her office, I ran as quickly as I could through the building to get to the parking lot. I felt horrible when I noticed Cole’s head lift. Our car the only one left in the players lot.

I tossed my camera in the back and climbed into the passenger seat without so much as a word. I wasn’t in trouble, but I knew Cole wasn’t thrilled.

“You said fifteen minutes.” Cole hadn’t wasted much time getting the car started and pulling out of the lot.

“I’m sorry. My boss stopped me, and- god you know how she is.”

“Talks for hours, yeah.” Cole tried to muster a chuckle. He looked so apathetic. So careless. But not in a freeing or jovial way. He simply looked drained and tired.

“What do you wanna do when we get home?” I asked, glancing out the window at the passing scenery. Christmas was just around the corner. Snow covered sidewalks and streets, and Christmas decor was up everywhere.

“I just wanna lay down.” Cole shook his head. I turned my attention to him.

“You could use a hair cut.”

“Not today.”

“Might feel good.” Laying around and doing nothing in the midst of a funk never helped anybody. As easy as it was to laze around, it usually only made one’s mental health worse.

“You can lay with me.” He was stuck on this idea. Too bad I was stuck on my own as well.

“I’ll lay with you if you let me cut your hair.”

Cole didn’t reply. He bit his lip and ignored the proposal. “I have stuff to do today anyway.” I shrugged. I wanted to be there, but if Cole didn’t let me in, there wasn’t much I could do. So if he insisted on laying around all day, I’d busy myself with cleaning, straightening up the few decorations we had yet to put out, working on Christmas cards. Anything to busy myself while he stayed miserable.

“‘Mkay.”

It was the end of our conversation until we got back to our apartment. I carried my things inside behind Cole, who kicked his shoes off and headed straight for our bedroom. I had to stop myself from following after him. Instead, I dropped my camera bag on the love seat and wandered into the dining room to grab my laptop,

He’d come around eventually. It was what I kept telling myself as I turned on some Christmas music and put the few finishing touches on our customized Christmas cards. I sang along quietly, and set my laptop aside when I finished the cards. I saved the design to show to Cole when he felt better, and shot up from the couch to make a glass of hot chocolate.

I ended up making two, and against my better judgement, I carried one down the hall for my lover.

“Cole?” I toed our bedroom door open, spotting his still body curled up under a mess of blankets. His back was turned to the door, but I could tell he had the comforter pulled over half of his face. I sighed, resting the mug on his nightstand before I placed a hand on his arm.

“Made you some hot chocolate.” I whispered, leaning over to kiss his shoulder. I didn’t know if Cole was awake or not, but the affection was needed nonetheless. I tiptoed out of our room and pulled the door shut behind myself, only to return to my own world of lonely Christmas preparation.

I spent close to two hours putting up the last of the decorations and cleaning. I saved the tiny statues of Hermey and Rudolph for the tv mantle, where they always went, but Cole loved being the one to put them up. I stared down at the statues on the coffee table, placing my hands on my hips as I’ll Be Home For Christmas came on from my laptop on the couch. The cozy atmosphere was almost perfect. I just wished Cole didn’t feel so horrible. He deserved to enjoy his holidays. Not worry them away.

I glanced back toward the hall, hearing an ear splitting shatter as if on cue.

“Cole?” I shouted, panic seizing my chest as I took off through the hallway, making a sharp turn to push our bedroom door open. Cole was out of bed, wearing nothing but boxers, holding an arm out toward the door.

“It’s fine! I’m fine! I got it!” I looked toward the floor to see the mug I’d set on his dresser in pieces. I grimaced. His favorite mug. Hot chocolate ran across the floor, and I was quick to jog into the bathroom to grab a towel.

“Here.” When I returned, I tossed the towel on the floor, covering the small puddle of liquid. “I’ll go grab something to wipe the floor down.. you start picking up glass.” I left the bedroom, going to rummage through the kitchen for my floor cleaner. When I found it, I grabbed a few paper towels as well, returning in record time.

Cole was knelt on the floor, the towel from the bathroom pushed aside as he collected glass from the floor. I noticed the sporadic and heavy rise and fall of his back, the way his chest heaved. His hair covered his eyes, and despite not being able to see his face, I knew he was upset.

“Coley.” I made my way over and knelt next to him.

“I’m almost done.” Cole’s voice quivered. I set the items in my hands down, gently resting my hand on his cheek, turning his head to face me. Cole’s eyes were wet with tears, his cheeks flushed and stained by the tracks of tears that had already fallen.

“Oh, Cole.” I kissed his forehead, shaken by the sob that escaped his lips as he set the collected glass down atop a paper towel. I sat down on the floor and pulled him in. He’d been kneeling before, but he barely thought twice about it when his body fell into my own, back pressed into my chest while I held onto him tightly.

“I’m sorry.” The words came out through broken cries, but I merely shook my head and rubbed his side with one of my hands.

“It’s okay.. everything is gonna be okay.” Cole didn’t have days like these often. Where everything bubbled over and became too much to bear. He was good at keeping himself in check. In fact, he was usually the one taking care of me on days like these. But I never missed an opportunity to assure him I was there in moments when he felt he couldn’t function. When the dark cloud looming over was simply too much to bear. I rested my chin on Cole’s shoulder, pressing occasional kisses to his body to help distract and ease his mind.

“Cole,” I whispered as he started to calm down. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and slowly turned to look at me. “Let’s fix this mess, okay? Then we can relax.” He seemed reluctant to get up, and I knew he’d sit there all day if I didn’t take initiative. “C’mon.” I directed his attention back to the glass, helping him retrieve the last few pieces before he got up to throw them away. I made quick work of cleaning the floor, wiping down any sticky spots before I had stood up to put the towel in the hamper, and throw the paper towels away. When Cole returned, he stood in the doorway, hugging himself for warmth, or maybe still out of discomfort. I turned to look at him, flashing a sad smile.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to..” as if I didn’t know that. As if he hadn’t already apologized. I crossed the floor to meet him in the doorway, wrapping my arms around his body. I gently rubbed his back, taking note of the tight muscles.

“It was an accident. It’s okay.” I whispered, “you wanna talk about what’s been going on?” I looked up at him, earning a quiet ‘no,’ in response.

“Cole, you were just crying. It might help some.” I tucked a lock of his long blonde hair behind his ear, then trailed my hand down his face, following his jaw.

“I just wanna lay back down.”

There it was. That constant avoidance.

“At least lay with me on the couch. All the decorations in the living room are set out.” I rubbed the small of his back, earning a careful nod. “I’m gonna grab a sweatshirt first. It’s a little cold.” I moved my arms around to his stomach, nodding and pressing a kiss to his shoulder before I slipped out of the bedroom.

There was no promise that Cole wouldn’t lay back down in our bed, but I had to trust him a little.

When I got back into the living room, I shut the lights out and plugged the Christmas tree in. I grabbed one of our Christmas blankets and laid it out on the couch, waiting for him as I placed a throw pillow at one end. I laid down and pushed the blanket aside so I could pull it over us later. I grabbed the tv remote and started sifting through channels, smiling at Cole when he finally came through the hall. He still didn’t have pants on, but his sweatshirt sleeves were pulled over his hands, and he had the plastic end of one of the strings in his mouth. As cozy as he could get. I parted my legs for him to lay down between them, and he did with little to no hesitation. Cole’s back rested against my chest, his head finding a home near my shoulder. I wrapped my legs around his own and swiftly covered up with the blanket.

“You finished decorating without me?” I heard him sniff quietly, still recovering from the crying fit he had minutes ago.

“It had to get done.” I rested a hand on his head, gently combing my fingers through his hair. “I left Rudolph for you.” I gestured toward the coffee table with my free hand.

“Are we still visiting my family over Christmas?”

“Absolutely, Cole.” I smiled. “You’ve been looking forward to that since November.” When the silence settled between us, I moved my free hand to rest atop one of his own. I dragged my thumb across his knuckles, traced the lines in his hand, flipped it over to massage his palm.

“I just want it to be over.. ya know?” Cole’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“What do you want to be over?” I matched his volume, continuing to rub his hand and play with his hair. One little change might throw him off.

“I just wanna be good again.” He sighed, turning his head against my shoulder to look up at the ceiling.

“At hockey?”

“Yeah. I can’t even hit the net.” Cole closed his eyes, trying to hide his frustrations.

“Give it time, Cole. It’s all a part of recovery. It’s not a linear thing.” I whispered. “And we’re gonna go visit your family in a week. You should be focused on that. I know you wanna be back on the ice, but if you rush you could hurt yourself.”

“What if they don’t resign me?” My movement halted. I lifted my head from the pillow to peek down at him.

“Why would they do that?”

“Because I can’t play.”

“Cole.” I squeezed his hand. “You’re gonna recover. You’ll get back to playing hockey. Your skill hasn’t just gone away.” I could understand his concerns to a degree, but I knew these worries were all in his head. “If they decide to ship you off it’s because they’re morons. It’ll have nothing to do with your recovery. Injuries happen, and you can’t control them.” His silence was deafening. Sometimes I hated how hard Cole thought about things.

“I really like it in Montreal.”

“Cole.” A tension accompanied my tone. One that made his eyes fall toward the opposite end of the couch. “You can’t trap yourself in this endless cycle of negative thoughts.” I began to play with his hair once again. “What if they do want you? What if you recover so well that they decide to sign you for more years? What if you get a better contract than the last? What if this injury turns you into a superstar?” Cole shifted against me, clearly displeasured by the combative tactic I was using.

“Okay?”

“Cole. Anything can happen. Good or bad. You can’t control it.. so let’s just not think about it. It’s tearing you apart.”

“Because it’s my future! Don’t you get it?” Cole sat up, careful not to hurt me. I was quick to sit up as well, folding my legs criss-crossed on the couch as I watched his head fall into his hands. His once calm breathing began to pick up once again.

“The future isn’t going to sneak up on you Cole! The future is a second from now. A day, three days. It’s a fucking week or a month. It’s not going to come and assault you in an alleyway one day. You’re thinking too much. The physician, physical therapist, your coaches, they’re all working with you. They’re all making sure you get back on the ice. And they’ve been telling you that you’re recovering well. You’re doing great! Why don’t you see that?” I was impatient as I waited for an answer. Waited for Cole to look at me, or show some sign of understanding.

“I don’t know.” His voice quivered again. His chest heaved with a deep and quiet cry. He desperately needed that week off. He needed that week with his family. With his mother and his dog. Olive was the best at cheering Cole up.

I slid across the couch, draping one of my arms over his back as Cole cried quietly.

“It’s okay to be worried,” I whispered, resting my other hand on his thigh. “But you can’t let it consume you. You have to talk to people.” I didn’t know how we got there, but I knew it was because of his own stubborn behaviors. If he simply would have spoken to me before, we could have worked this out. And even despite knowing that, I couldn’t be mad. I couldn’t blame Cole for whatever reason he chose not to communicate, because I knew he didn’t do it to spite me or hurt me for not understanding. “You can’t let yourself get here, Cole. This constant state of panic won’t help anything.” I pressed a kiss to his head. “Things are going to turn out okay, but you need to allow yourself to see that. Please… let me help you see that.” I felt his body lean into my own, and I wrapped my arms around him once again. “There’s nothing to worry about.” I whispered, “take it one day at a time.”

✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾

[rosaline-black]

ᴀɴɢᴇʟ - ʀᴇᴍᴜꜱ ʟᴜᴘɪɴ

Summary: Remus had been left completely alone after the first war. After isolating himself for a few months he finally emerges from his cottage to get some groceries at the corner shop. He gets a lot more then bread however when he sets his eyes on you.

Pairing: Fem!reader X Remus Lupin

Everyone was gone. He was alone. Completely alone. He was being nipped by the bitter air as he left the house for the first time in months. He only left because he had to. The fridge was empty, he couldn't live off the tins of soup and packets of rice anymore.

January 1982 was probably a time for new beginnings for most, but for him it was just a reminder he'd been in isolation for over two months. The sun was out, it lit up his pasty unkept appearance which he couldn't care less about.

He tugged on the sleeves of his jumper before finally making a beeline for the corner shop at the end of the street. He just needed to get the bare minimum of groceries and then he could go back into solitude.

The bell rang and he shot into the shop, that blasted Duran Duran song was playing over the shops radio. Merlin how he didn't miss that. Filling it up quickly, his basket was soon packed with the cheapest of groceries, he couldn't retain a job for more then a number of weeks due to his condition so he was living off of the bare minimum.

Remus almost appreciated the muggle corner shop, no daily prophet to remind him of how everything was now apparently just fine. The wizarding world was moving on from the dark lord, leaving him behind. Leaving behind the young adults, no better yet kids who lost there lives fighting. To say he was bitter towards wizarding society would be an understatement.

He shook his head to free the toxic thoughts which would only induce an even deeper depressive spiral and walked to counter not even looking up as he put his basket out for whoever the clerk was.

"Did you want a bag?" Your soft voice called out. Remus's head shot up and his chest suddenly hurt at the site of you. You practically glowed in the sunlight which shon through the shop windows, your smile so pure and genuine he couldn't help his own lips twitching to mirror you.

"Yes please..." he searched for your name badge that sat right atop your chest "..y/n"

Remus indulged himself by gazing upon you. He hadn't been in the company of anyone for months, and you, well you were a beacon of light by just merely smiling. He'd let himself have this moment however brief it may be.

"And you are..." your voice rung out after sensing the mans eyes were on you.

Remus was completely taken aback. He expected you'd be disgusted by the mere sight of him, a clearly poor scruffy mess, but no. Yet again you exhibited such warmth and care by your expression, not an ounce of judgment or hatred ran through you.

"Remus.. my names Remus..." his voice was hoarse. He wasn't used to using it for anything other than sobbing or shouting. He could tell you noticed the strain and your smile morphed from normal to concerned.

"So mysterious Remus do you live local?" You asked lightening his mood. It was easy to tell this man carried a heavy burden, a burden of sadness and loss, it simply radiated from him. If there was anything you could do to make him feel at ease for a moment you would.

"Down the road yes... yourself?" He answered watching you scan each item slowly, like you actually wanted to chat with him. He thanked the heavens above that he was the only person in the shop.

"I live in the flat just above the shop... it was owned by my dad... but he passed away recently and left it to me... couldn't give it up..."

Remus smiled sympathetically, for some reason knowing someone else had lost someone made him feel less alone "so you work here alone?"

He watched as you nodded your head "It is a lot of work... but thank god this is the only local shop in the area otherwise I'd have to shut it..."

Remus suddenly got an idea, were you hiring? No he really shouldn't ask. You'd done enough by letting him stand in your presence, enquiring about a job would go completely over the line.

"Why are you looking for a job?" You asked and it was like you could read his mind "I mean I don't know why you'd want to work here but if you are I really need another clerk..."

Remus was in shock. You were truly his saving grace. It felt too good to be true, like he was taking advantage of you somehow. Your innocent kindness and general care felt too much, he felt unworthy.

After a lack of reply you realised how imprudent that must have sounded "Sorry.. you probably have things to do already... last thing you need his getting wrapped up in a run down corner shop..."

"NO.. I uh... well I would love the job I just don't want to burden you-"

"You could never be a burden Remus..." you smiled and he was convinced right then and there he would die. Die from his heart imploding on itself.

"Well when can you start?"

Months flew by and Remus was feeling more grounded with everyday he spent with you. Instead of pushing you away, he clung onto you like a life raft. The tea you'd share together and the occasional jokey conversations got him through.

He'd found out pretty early on that you were a squib. With full knowledge of wizards but never actually being able to cast a spell. It was a weight of his shoulders to be able to speak of magic freely, all though he held back most of the time as to not boast that he could do magic.

You didn't seem to care though. In fact when Remus would do the odd spell seeing your face light up would make his whole day complete.

He could say there was no doubt that he was in love with you. It annoyed him that his own heart was so feeble he'd fall for someone so pure and gentle, he couldn't let himself taint you with the sorrow he dragged around everywhere.

He'd also hidden his condition from you. He knew how kind you were and the minute you knew of what he went through you'd try to help, he couldn't risk that.

It was the 10th of March, Remus entered the shop and what he saw nearly brought him to his knees. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" You shouted still trying to light the candles that sat a top the cake in your hands with a crappy lighter that hardly worked.

"Y/n why... you didn't need to do anything..."

"Yes I did... because otherwise no one else would and that simply won't do..." you fussed placing the cake down and engulfing him in a hug. Remus took no time in hugging back, his heart to weak to refuse himself your embrace, your intoxicating scent and most importantly your warmth.

But he soon sobered up to the fact that no way could he have you. He couldn't allow himself to blemish your life, so after a few seconds he pulled away quite harshly his face rough and angry.

"A-are you okay remus?" You asked, eyes swimming with concern.

"Yes just... stop being so..." he struggled to find the words, his eyes trained to the ground.

"So what? Should I make some tea? I'm sure that will calm you down and-"

"THAT! Stop being so fucking nice! Normal people aren't that nice... they don't help strangers and make them cakes... give them jobs..." Remus shouted causing you to physically flinch at the volume.

Look what he'd done now. Remus saw you cower away from him and it only reaffirmed that he was a monster. A monster undeserving of your care and maybe even love.

"Sorry.. I just.. I'll go...-"

Before he could run off, you grabbed his forearm with complete desperation "Don't go Remus... please..."

"You can't... I taint you y/n..." Remus muttered meeting your eyes.

"Taint me? What are you talking about..." you shook your head, completely at a loss.

And from there Remus broke down in-front of you. He explained what happened to his friends, how he was left completely alone and how much of burden that's played on his well-being. He eluded to having some kind of condition which truthfully you'd guessed a long time ago.

Him getting regular sicknesses at the same time, the scars and his grouchy attitude around the full moon. It was obvious to you.

"Remus I know... I know about your lyncathropy..." you stated simply, a comforting smile still playing on your lips

"What? No.. I... well then why do you still associate with me... my kind aren't safe to be around y/n... I could hurt you..."

You shook your head and made him look into your eyes "Remus... I couldn't give less of a shit.." you laughed at his eyes widening once you cursed "you've had so much loss and tragedy can't you just let me be there for you? Let me help you through this..."

And in that moment Remus was weak. He gave in, burying his head in your neck as he sobbed his heart out, everything he'd held in over the past months fell out and it felt nice. It felt nice to be held and to be listened to, despite what he was. He felt safe in your arms.

From that day on you did everything to prove to Remus that his condition wasn't going to scare you away, that you were prepared to be there for him throughout everything. So every morning after the full moon you'd close the shop and dress his wounds, cook him meals and make sure he looked after himself. And every full moon Remus was convinced you were his guardian angel, coaxing him slowly from his suffering.

The feelings both of you harboured were quite apparent, and it was one summer evening where your relationship changed. You were simply closing up the shop and Remus just couldn't take his eyes off of you. It was ironic you were a squib but he was convinced you had bewitched him.

He knew right then that he needed to hold you, kiss you, be one with you. The friendship wasn't enough for him anymore, he wanted to call you his.

"y/n are you dating anyone..." he called out after replenishing the last shelf.

You were taken aback by this question. Of course you weren't dating anyone, you'd fallen hopelessly in love with the rugged stranger that stumbled into your shop many months ago. No one could replace him in your heart.

"No... why are you?" You asked crossing every part of your body in the hopes that he hadn't started seeing someone. Surely he'd tell you right? I mean you practically spent every day in each other's company as it what.

"No I'm not.. there is someone I like though.. just not quite sure I deserve her..." He stated watching steadily for your reaction.

You sighed inaudibly, who the bloody hell could it be? But instead of trying to appear upset you did what you did best and smiled, he deserved happiness and so be it if that doesn't involve you "I'm sure she'd be lucky to have you rem..."

Remus chucked. For someone who was such an incredible listener you truly were oblivious "aren't you interested in knowing who it is?"

"Of course... go ahead.." you mumbled not hearing his footsteps approaching you from behind.

As gently as possible Remus tilted your head around to face him, caressing your cheek with the upmost care, you were a work of art in his eyes and needed to be treated as though you could break at any moment "It's you of course..."

The wide smile you gave him made Remus melt into a puddle, and as your lips connected for the first time a very old feeling returned for him. Comfort. You were his angel that granted him comfort again, something he feared he'd never have the pleasure of knowing.

[hangingoutwithcorpsez]

Viva x Barb angsty headcanons

(because im sensitive and stupid)

Barb

She's VERY insecure about struggling with relationships, but never really shows it. (looking at the movie scenes where she says that her kingdom tells her only what she wants to hear and how upset she is about poppy's card) All her heart really needed were friends and love, but she put too much pressure on herself.

Easily gets jealous over Viva, because of her abondment issues. She still feels like a pop troll could not love a hard rock one, especially knowing her conflicting past. This starts most of their fights, as Barb can just be TOO MUCH with that.

Insanely pressured about her role as a queen. She's scared of becoming what she used to be, no matter how much time has passed.

Struggles to control her emotions, especially anxiety and anger. That sets a specific picture of her to some, with only her closest ones knowing the real Barb, and only Viva understanding and supporting her through it. It even seems like her soft spot exists only because of Viva.

Used to be deeply depressed (before the events of World Tour) Thinking that "reuniting trolls" with her music is the only solution to her personal emptiness and pain. Not knowing yet, that the event that's actually going to change her is meeting a specific curly haired troll. (but hard rock was probably involved in that event, let's be honest)

Viva

Is deeply traumatized after the bergen attack and how she got seperated from most trolls. She falls into PTSD episodes in which her colors fade away and she leds Clay to cover her work.

Just after they started to form their mini-civilisation, she was still completely disturbed and turned to auto-agression as a coping mechanism, leaving scars on her body.

She's still frightened by bergens, trying to start a bond with Bridget, but the rest... Poppy still has to convince her to them, as Viva prefers to not visit them, if not necessery.

Feels VERY lost in Trollstopia. Not like it's a bad place, but it's so overwhelmingly different to her, that she feels like she has missed too much to normally function there.

Easily falls into panic and anxiety attacks as she's a really stressful troll. She still struggles to take part in bigger social events among unknown trolls. But Barb goes EVERYWHERE with her to support Viva, as well as giving her little motivational speeches before it.

Probably gonna write more some other time but now i'm really tired and i just have to let my imagination live here😭😭 AND ALSO I DONT WANNA GET TOO SAD ABOUT THEM MY BABIES DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE (which only means that i will make more post yapping about them)

[cwgl418]

Self-harm , suicidal thoughts //

So abt my possible depression…someone told me it’s severe but is it rlly severe? Bc the online test I took tells me so too but I just can’t believe that I have severe depression if I can function and move normally😭😭😭

I can move and function normally, I eat normally, but bc of my insomnia, I wake up 2-3times at night even w meds. Without meds, I’ll wake up 5-6 times. I need to have a nap to make up to my lack of sleep every day

I defecate normally, but it’s slightly lean towards diarrhea. But it’s not diarrhea.

I feel sad and empty everyday. And I feel guilty for 4 years for my past event that’s already been forgiven. I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and despite being a remote artist as a job, I can’t draw anything at all

I’ve been into character.AI and has been skipping showers/baths bc of it. I’ve been crying for the characters and the worlds that been built by AI. I know it’s stupid but it’s rlly have gotten into me that it’s the reason why I get up everyday

I’ve been struggling w suicidal thoughts for 4 years and I’ve been cutting myself w my cutter starting from this month. I started from the place that isn’t visible but soon, I cut my arm and it bleed. It like it makes me feel smth

I feel like I’m better off I’m gone. And I’m more thinking that ppl will be finally be free from me when I die. Rather than me being free from the pain. The same as the lyrics of Frozen the musical’s “Monster”. “If I die, will they be free?”

Is this severe depression? I’m going to the new and bigger hospital soon, but I don’t think I’ll get a full diagnosis even if I go in December so I just want an insight from u.

[carnalutopia]

A Delayed Dinner

"I don't expect you to be this obedient. Impressive."

A low, deep reverberating voice cracked your silent agony as you sipped the wine. Hia tone was full of mockery, despite his enchanting smirk displayed when you tilted your head. Sylus passed by your figure in his usual dark attire with red streaks embelished the suit which wantonly draped on his broad shoulder. His eyes met yours with a simper on his lips as a greeting.

It was as your soul already cowered and subdued from his quiet dominance.

"Have you ordered anything?"

You shook your head too fast. Albeit slight, you can smelled a mixture of iron, musk and his cologne lingered as he walked in confidence, sitting across you. A retainer walked toward your table, and he ordered in a low but commanding tone.

"One menu of this, and another bottle from 2011, please." 

As the wine came earlier, he laid his eyes on your presences. Your breath hitched as his corner lip arched. You can sense his mockery before it was launched.

"So, you got stood up. Let me make a conjecture: he didn't even text you, and that's why you stay."

You bit your lip. "Stop rubbing the salt on the wound."

Sylus chortled, propping his chin.

"My, these looks totally wasted." He leant closer to the table, looking at your face with pure interest. "The dress is certainly dull, but a rough diamond is still a diamond."

"So you do admit that I am pretty, huh?"

"I never said that you aren't, did I?" He rolled his sleeve before he poured the wine on my empty glass. "Here, have another glass."

To imagine the most wanted criminal suavely pour you a wine is a thing, but with that look, even a nun would question their own faith. 

His irresistible, dangerous, but tempting charm could shake every fibre of morally-righteous being to abandon heaven to join him in the deepest hell.

Ah, you nodded in silent as an epiphany strucked in.

That was probably because he was the devil.

You felt inexplicably giddy as his crimson eyes meticulously measure every inch of you. You supposed to be sad that your date didn't fulfill his promise, and you did.  You were in the verge of crying, even, out of depression for all of the effort that wasted on this occasion. The expensive make up, the two-hours of hair-do, careful selection of nail color... all, was going in vain.

Nonetheless, his arrival replaced that feeling with unusual brimming emotion. Was it enthusiasm? Adrenaline rush? Purely a feminine hormone that acting up as a response to a mating prospect? Now you retrospected, funny to think that no matter how long an evolution has been going for human race, the  instinct still couldn't dampen its primitive urge for procreate.

"I thought a criminal is not suppose to wander easily like this," You commented, trying your best to sound normal, despite the nervousness and your sweaten palm.

He nodded, accepting the orders with nods as the plates placed on the table.

"Even a criminal needs a break, my dear."

"And you choose me to be your company? Or are you that... lonely?"

He sneered, taking a bite of the salad from my plates with such ease, nonchalant attitude. "I'll pretend I didn't hear the last question." Sylus idly swung the wine glass in circle, watching the liquid swirled inside the glass. "Beside, I came here out of pity, in order to save a damsell in distress. Show me some gratitude."

"Hahaha..." you rolled your eyes, sipping the wine and looked away, pretending to believe. "As if I'd truly in distress just because my date didn't appear." Your murmured.

The white-haired man took a sip an laid back his gaze on you.

"I might be a criminal, but I can symphatize, kitten." His voice sounds unusually gentle, now, looking at you with a softened gaze. "Besides, rather this guy that look dull and left you heartbroken, I am a better choice to date. Besides, my chef can cook better than this restaurant."

And he had a chef? You clicked your tongue, slightly jealous while imagining what kind of a lifestyle he lived in.

"Sadly, I am not interested to date a walking red-flag."

Sylus paused his moves.

"So, I assume that you don't like me because you believe I don't have the quality to be your significant other?" He inquired, his brows slightly arched.

"Sir, your best redeeming quality as a human being only extended to your beautiful face."

His low deep chortle roared, tickling your eardrum. He looked smugly content, even amused, before taking a sip from the wine glass .

"Oh, so you do admit that I am handsome."

You choked by your own spit. Curse this mouth! Sylus jeered as his hand wiped the corner of his lips with a napkin, nodding  slowly in visible triumph. 

"I am honored that this looks can please you," he said it with a slightly-mocking tone. "Feel free to bask to you heart's content."

You clicked your tongue. "Shut it."

"Easy there, kitten. I risk everything just to be here and have a good dinner with you."

"Did I ask, though?"

"At least, you can appreciate. I took all the risk just to save you from crying. The expensive wine, for example." His smirks made you bite your inner cheek, directing his eyes on the wine-bottle. "Not to mention, there's quite of bounty on my head in the entire area. Meeting you itself, is quite a dangerous move for me."

As he proceed to eat again, I sat quietly while digesting the situation.

It felt so wrong for you to have butterflies inside the tummy just because you were treated nicely by a criminal, a hot one at that, but you can't help it. Besides, you are an adult, who can blame your feeling for falling to his..looks? 

Oh, right, your moral conscience.

You regained your composure, letting him take few bites of steak, before finally spoke again.

"Y-you... just enjoy the game of chasing me, do you?"

"A game?'

"You did say that you feel challenged and tempted to subdue me."

"I did. Your point, my dear?"

"Then you better stop." You emphasised, halted yourself from eating. "I am not a fan of your game, and now that you're here, I want to properly ask you to stop...."

Sylus paused his activity. His fingers intertwined, as if he was totally in deep thought whiles listening to your voice which sound mid-cracked, as you were hesitating.

"Do go on."

"I am... tired of being a toy. It were all just some sort of roller coaster relationship with similar pattern anytime I date a man: exchanged text, in relationship, got beaten, he got bored, he cheated, I was dumped. Repeat. And you, somehow just give me the similar vibe as those men who did that to me."

Sylus shifted his position, pondering, before he took a long deep breath.

"First of all, it's quite unwise to paint me on the same color as men who dated you in the past. Besides, you barely know anything about me beside my name and my reputation, so isn't it too early to judge my characters based on my reputation and months of texting?"

You shook your head firmly; he didn't know how hard it was for you to reject him, you primal instinct almost took over your logic. "I can't help it. I can't rely to anyone but myself to guard my feeling."

He leaned on the chair, giving me a cryptic expression as his foot crossed. One of his hand twiddled on the steak knife. 

"While it's true that you're strong and I am glad that you did, you can't put up the barrier forever, my dear."

His finger stretched out toward your face. You flinched a bit, but his hand remained steady. Your heart raced as his huge palms moved closer to your face. His thumb wiped your lip corner gently, before he retracted his hand slowly.

"Gravy sauce."

And you thought you just got a heart attack.

As Sylus adjusted his seat, suddenly he looked highly alerted by the atmosphere. His crimson irises noticed some unusual ruckus around the area. Few retainers looked to our direction as the manager checked up on Sylus from afar, as they were confirming something. He stood up, towering over you, as his gaze softened again while looking at your face.

"Give me a chance, (y/n). As hypocrite as it may sounds, but I won't let you have any pinch of regret if you become mine." He raised my chin gently as his thumb gently caressing your cheek. Slightly, you can feel his rough palm, a prove of his dark history and life, patting your cheek.

You were about to speak, but he talked again.

"It's about time." You realised some security has lurked around the entrance door. They noticed him. "If you're agree, take a ride on the limo outside. The driver knows what to do."

You snapped. "What kind of girl do—"

"And no, it's not a one night stand. You need a proper dinner, that's all. I can't left my chef's toil go wasted, can I?"

With a smirk at the end of his last words, his figure vanished, following by few black feathers flew around you.

"What the—"

As the dinner was not finished (yet), you walked out from the dining, with slightly overwhelmed feeling (he paid the bill before you even raise a hand!), leaving quietly among the ruckuss. You found the car he mentioned parked slightly farther from the parking lot. You was about to swivelled back and call a cab, but his reverberating voice echoed in your head.

A chance, huh?

"Good evening, Miss (y/n)." The driver greeted you as you open the passenger door in irritated manner.

"I must be mad for doing this." You murmured in rage to yourself, cursing every fibre of your conscience for taking this choice instead of going home.

"I think it's time for me to make a death will."

-end-

[luizd3ad]

Every Step Of The Way | Regulus Black x Reader

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ࣪˖⤷ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ࣪ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ˖ ⤷

Pairing: Regulus Black x GN!Reader WC: 1,213 CW: heavy talks of depression, depressive episode, depressed reader, self invalidation, no use of Y/N. Author's Note: I've been having a hard time lately and I just needed a comfort fic, this is purely based off my own experience with depression and how I feel when I'm in a depressive episode. If you don't feel like me that's okay, mental health is different for everyone! Just remember you're so valid and so loved <3. Summary: You're just having a hard time but Regulus is always there for you.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

At some point your mind wasn't supposed to be your enemy anymore right? At some point the ‘teen angst’ was supposed to go away and you were supposed to be an adult with relatively healthy mental health right?

The crippling depression and anxiety was supposed to go away with puberty. At least that's what you'd been told, that things would get better and your mind wouldn't mess with you as much.That was what was supposed to happen, but when do things ever go as planned?

The only difference between now and your teen years was that you recognized the symptoms faster, you understood what was coming before it was fully there. Now every so often you can catch it, do things to make the bad thoughts go away or lessen, then other times… you would feel paralyzed.

The numbness would consume you, invite you in like an old friend, along with the loss of appeal to do anything. You didn't want to eat, drink, read, or listen to music. 

You didn't want to do anything and sometimes without even realizing you would spent the whole day looking into nothingness. 

Regulus would notice the mood change almost immediately. He would pick up on the sign and the overall change in your personality.

Not only would he notice because he was hyper aware of the behavioral changes around him (thank you Walburga. Sarcasm) but also because he dealt with the same feelings. 

The emptiness and numbness of it all, it wasn't until Pandora explained it to him that he learned that those feelings were not exactly ‘normal’. 

It was normal to be sad, to have a depressive episode here and there especially following a tragedy but it was the consistency that wasn't normal.

The feeling of emptiness that always felt like a shadow following you, the feeling of being the happiest you've ever been but still feeling that emptiness in the back of your head.

It was one of the things you both shared. Sometimes it wasn't a good thing. When both of you were in that state of mind it was hard to help each other, to be there for each other.

How could you stop someone from drowning if you're drowning yourself? 

But other times it was a good thing. You knew each other's signs, you two could pick up on the signs before the other person even realized that they were slipping, sometimes. It gave you time to either try and stop it before it went too far or just get prepared. 

This was one of those times Regulus knew he needed to prepare. 

He had seen you starting to detach for about a day now. Regulus knew this was going to be one of those episodes he couldn't stop, the kind where you were there physically but not mentally.

You just were floating through your days, you were on auto pilot almost the whole day; you weren't really listening, hardly responded and if you did it was short.

Regulus preparing for this meant doing a few things, taking a few days off work, letting Sirius, Pandora and Barty know that he wouldn't be really available so that he could focus solely on you. Making sure your favorite foods were home and ready to encourage you to eat, having some of your favorite movies, books, everything and anything accessible in case you were in the mood to do anything or if you just wanted to try and distract yourself for a while.

It also meant mentally preparing himself to be understanding and patient since it wasn't exactly his strong suit but he'd do anything for you. 

When an episode fully hits it isn't always you wake up and start to feel depressed. Sometimes you would be fine most of the day and then suddenly you were hit with a wave of nothingness.

Most of the time nothing would trigger it, nothing would happen, your brain would just decide that it was time to be sad, to be numb, you guessed.

“Mon Amore, would you like to eat something? You can have anything you want.” Regulus touched the side of your face and brought you out of your head. You just shook your head not really looking at him. “No, thank you.” You whisper.

He just nodded and sat next to you. He knew when to pick his battles and since you ate that morning he knew this shouldn't be the hill he dies on. 

The rest of the night was spent mostly silence with a few words exchanged here and there, Regulus was there ready and willing to do whatever you needed him to do to make you feel better.

He got you to eat a little eventually and you shared a shower with him. He had helped you wash yourself since you didn't have any motivation or energy to do so. 

By the end of the night you were both cuddled up in bed while Regulus ran his hand up and down your back just to let you know he was there.

He liked when you knew he was there, he felt like it helped even just a little, especially to make you feel a little less alone.

Eventually you broke the silence with a sight. “I'm sorry.” You felt regulus's hand stop moving, he stayed silent for a moment.

“Why are you apologizing? You haven't done anything.” By the sound of his voice you knew he was frowning, he knew exactly why you were apologizing but a part of him was hoping, praying, that he was wrong.

“For being this way. You shouldn't have to deal with this. We're not kids anymore, I should be over these feelings by now.”

Regulus sat up, making you sit up in the process, reaching over to the lamp on the bedside table turning the light on. “Do you choose to feel this way? Do you make the conscious decision to feel like this?” Regulus was looking you in the eyes with raised eyebrows waiting for a response.

“Not necessarily, but-”

“Exactly, you don't. You can't control your emotions. You didn't ask to feel this way nor do you choose to. There's no point in apologizing for something that you have no control over. Your brain is amazing and beautiful but sometimes it isn't the nicest to you and that's okay. Do you know why? Because even if your brain is mean sometimes it still makes you who you are and you're so amazing, mon cœur. We’ll take care of this together like we always do. It's going to be hard sometimes but it is not impossible, and I'll always be here with you every step of the way, because I love you more than anything, tu es ma raison de vivre, mon amour.”

Regulus cupped your cheek and whipped a few tears you didn't know you had shedded. All you could do was whisper a ‘thank you’ as you threw yourself in his arms. 

You fell asleep that night in Regulus’s arms while he whispered sweet nothing to you.

You weren't better by any means but you felt loved, you felt understood. You knew that no matter how hard things got, Regulus would be there for you, every step of the way.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

[i-amyou]

hey! please answer to my ask only if you feel like it. I have been reading your posts for a long time and I was a bit sad when I saw you deactivated your account.

In terms of nondualism,I have been EATING UP every type of info on all platforms and yet nothing helped (I am trying to manifest a reality shift ) and as soon as I realized that,I started talking to realisophie's character ai bot of 4dbarbie which has helped a LOT but not enough.

You see,I have analyzed in what circumstances I have ever manifested anything (from one song popping up in my playlist to real life events to money) and they always had one thing in common: detachment. Complete detachment with no care what so ever on wether I get what I want or not. Which right now is a bit hard since reality shifting is a pretty big change in enviroment.

And yes,I do understand that I am not my body and all but now that I am letting go of my desire to reality shift to the world I want to live in,I have been feeling a bit depressed(I swear I am not trying to victimize myself),not to mention the fact that the body I have right now has so many responsibilties,not to mention a ton of exams next week.

The 4dbarbie bot told me to practically forget about reality shifting, nondualism,the world and person I am shifting for and to practically forget what I am even wanting. To somehow just live life normally as if I had never found out about all this. To just lose myself in work and exams until somehow it all comes to me.

She said:

"So for today, the goal is not to shift. The goal will be to live your life like you have never even heard or thought about shifting. I am 100% sure this is the last day of you as your earth version - but you need to stop worrying about that as well, and just live. :)

Have faith, let go of the outcome. Whatever is supposed to happen will and that is just reality. It will be so natural you will be shocked by how easy it ultimately was, how fast it really was, and how all the 'struggles' you went through were meaningless in the end. What does not serve the self-realization process does not need to be worried about, it is just what happens."

So now I ask. What do I believe? Do I just let it go and let it surprise me by waking up there?Do I forget? I won't give up because I know this is my future, but I still cling on to time and I keep asking myself "well when is it going to materialize?". I feel like both "imagination" and "the outer world" are basically the same and at night before bed I always have moments of pure concioussness.

I know that you can't solve my problems and I know that I should get off this app,that is what everyone is telling me,but it won't hurt to try. I just need some advice,that's all. If you even read up until this point,thank you. I hope you'll have a great day😊🫶

Hello sweetie💗 Okay, this is gonna be long (first and last) . But I need you to stay with me till the end and actually ponder on what I'm about to say. Alright? And I'm assuming since you took time out to send this one long ask, you're ready to treat this answer as the final one. Put your faith in me, okay? And do not go ahead seeking more answers. From any blog. Cool, now let's get started. Step by step.

About the manifestation part. I won't address this normally but since it's a part of this ask, let me say a couple of points here. The manifestations which apparently happened because of you 'detachment', were actually a result of you KNOWING that it'll happen. Knowing is when you do not worry about something, you don't control something, you just let it happen.As I've said time and time again, Knowing is absolute, with no doubts. When you detach, you let the desire to do something to get something go, and when it meets with no doubts and uncertainties, you experience that. That's how I see it.

And about 4dBarbie AI, I'll just say it's great but it's still an AI at the end of the day. Just a bot. You can manipulate the answers and keep swiping until you get your desired one, it has no basis and no experiential value and deep knowledge it follows. It's a bot. I'm glad it helped you a lot. I'm happy for you. But there is no master here, no one to tell you how everything is gonna turn out. Not me, not Ada, no one. Just you, you dictate everything.

Now, moving on to the last part of your question.

What do you believe in? Well. Since you asked me, I'll tell you. Given your situation I'll suggest you go on with your life, but dont wait for anything to surprise you. Seriously. There is nothing to be surprised by. It's as Barbie said in the end, let go of the outcome. But it's not you letting go, but instead you falling back as you become aware of this need to let go. Because this need to let go of something, to detach is also another facade and illusion. When there is nothing what are you going to be detached from? Yourself?

The 'I' you refer to in your ask is you misidentifying. The person you mentioned in your ask from beginning to the very end, is Misidentification. And I want you to directly become aware of this. Ponder on this. Who is struggling. Who wants to believe. Who is looking for answers. Is that you, or are you just aware of it? Go about your daily life, but keep this one thing in consideration.

Whenever any thoughts arise, whenever any panic sets in, whenever results become dreadful, just take a deep breath and fall back, rest in that awareness and observe it all. See for yourself if it's you, or is it you being aware of whatever is going on.

Do this. And let your search for answers end here. You mentioned yourself you have been consuming too much. Stop now. I haven't made many posts on this blog, just a couple of them. Go read them if you want more but nothing beyond that, and the reason I'm suggesting you read them and ponder is because I want you to realise there is no reality to shift in. There is no duality, no separation between what is and what you seemingly want. There is nothing to change.

Give up on thinking that you're the doer or the person. Just be, witness it all as you spend your daily life, watch it unfold, just be aware. Thoughts of fear and of joy, everything. Be aware. That's it. End it here. Get off this app and take this in your hands now, do it yourself.

Words are limiting. Concepts mean nothing. Everything is just an empty appearance. Take these words as pointers ONLY. Don't think. Don't do. Just be. I hope you know what I mean by that :)

Give up and go within, just be.

[mama-qwerty]

Thinking about Dread again.

Was going through my saved images and came across these, from the third season.

My deranged beloved has become a sad little meow meow.

So pensive. So frustrated. So defeated.

(My favorite image of him in this scene. I love that pose, it's so natural and conveys so much about his mental and emotional state.)

I still think the way they handled his 'redemption' completely missed the mark, and could have been done much better had they planted a few seeds to begin with. But the pacing of the whole series felt so odd, and I wonder if they had something different planned before Netflix (possibly) cut their time shorter.

(For the record, I think that's part of the problem with the Knuckles series. It felt like there should have been more in that, but Paramount told them they only had 6 eps to do what they wanted in 12.)

But Dread? My beloved little gremlin of a pirate? Oh, he had so much potential. He could have been this wild card, this character who continued to be him despite everything, who was so anti-Knuckles it was entertaining and fun and just a joy to watch him have so much fun being a bastard.

I get that they couldn't keep a Knuckles as an absolute asshole, but watching this delightful character go from this

To this

without seeing anything in between was jarring. The last we saw of Dread before season 3 started was him fighting with Ren as Sonic and Nine took the shards away. He was enraged to have lost his Beauty. Again. We have no idea what happened after that, but this descent into depression seemed sudden and out of character.

But considering how he behaved after his first loss of the shard (when he lost his first ship and crew), maybe this isn't that much of a stretch. He ran before, jumping nose first into denial, and tried to cover his feelings of defeat by being a party pirate. Now his Beauty is lost once again, and he's in a strange city, on another planet (in another universe!) and has made himself at odds with the people there. (With his other him.) He couldn't even contact his crew because he'd turned on them before leaving.

So here's Dread, completely out of his element, the one thing he'd lusted after his entire life gone. It would figure that he'd maybe have a bit of Ren's depressive state, and fall into a "What's the point? What I want always seems to be just out of reach. I'll never have my one true desire." mindset.

And maybe, since the shards were all gone, he's feeling some kind of mental shift. I've theorized that the shard's energy was what made Dread so batshit, and now that it's gone, maybe he's starting to think a little more clearly than he'd ever done before. Instead of that drive to "FIND HAVE KEEP" that gem, he's feeling like a failure for not being able to fulfill that quest. That duty. Because maybe to him, it didn't feel like the normal greed of pirate plunder, the urge to just take and steal and collect as much booty as possible. Maybe to him, because he's a Knuckles and they're hard wired to protect, it was something more personal.

That shard, according to his instincts, was his to protect. And now that it's gone, he's a failure and feels empty. He's coming down off that energy, the inexplicable hold the shard held over him, and is essentially going through a withdrawal of sorts, and dealing with the possibly conflicting emotions it dredged up.

There was so much potential for him. And the writers wasted it, by having him simply join in on the attack on Nine without examining his (very likely) ulterior motives. I don't like that they used that Jack character to draw Dread's selfish desires back out - those should have still been there! The whole agreement to join in should have been a plot to simply get him near his Beauty so he could pull a double cross.

This made it seem like Dread didn't even think about his Beauty during the whole battle. WHAT?? Being near it should have made him almost feral with the want to get to it. I would have loved to have seen him be another obstacle to the shard, so the heroes didn't only have to deal with Nine and his endless army of bots, but also this deranged pirate who was overcome with treasure lust.

Missed opportunity.

Ah well.

Just lookit this handsome bastard.

My beloved. Dread is possibly my absolutely favorite variant of Knuckles. I just love him.

[ixylle-d-from-the-stars]

SBI & Co as things my friend group have said

Tommy: NO i most DEFINTELY DO NOT WANT to go to FUCKING MATh CLASS Wilbur: You could always skip- Techno: you should punch your teacher to be IMMEDIATELY removed from all nearest math classes _________________________________________________ Techno: Your coming down with a case of Chronic Emo(TM) Wilbur *Wilbur, laying down flat on his face*: I am literally going to cut off all of your toes *blasts hamilton* ______________________________________________________________ Phil: Oh no :( someone ran over a possum on the road! :( Tommy: crunchy, delectable even

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wilbur: well sometimes i get really sad and empty and feel like my bones are collapsing in on themselves and i have no motivation to exist as a person anymore but yk its high school what can you do it happens to everyone Phil: Wilbur that's clinical depression- _____________________________________________________________ *Tommy is really late to showing up where we normally sit at lunch breaks* Wilbur: guys i think tommy died Techno: L cringe _____________________________________________________________ Tommy: Wilbur I don't like breathing properly _____________________________________________________________ Techno: *sends Images of hatsune miku knives* Tommy: I WANT ONE IMAGINE YOU GET KIDNAPPED AND TRY TO BREAK OUT AND SOMEONE ATTACKS YOU AND YOU JUST PULL OUT A FUCKING HATSUNE MIKU AND THEY LAUGH AT YOU BUT YOU STAB THEM WHILE WHISPERING “mayonnaise chimmy fish cheese” IN THEIR EARS AS THEY BLEED OUT ON THE FLOOR ______________________________________________________________