#it’s like people who theorize but on like deep level shit

[frownyalfred]

*busts down your doors* HEY! Long ask for ya

okay so I was rereading your fic where EMS showed up because Dick couldn’t flip on the trampoline (rip) and it got me thinking about routine trauma.

So here’s the thing: I am not EMS. I know three people who are EMS, but my extent of EMS experience comes from one (1) ride along and lurking on EMS subreddits. Those guys are a hoot. Great memes. Anyways.

A comment stuck out to me: “You haven’t truly lived the job until you’re eating a gas station burrito next to a dead body”. I’ve seen a bunch like that. Nonchalance and dark humor because well, that’s their job. Gore is the norm. Sure, depending on the area, your usual calls might just be lift assists, but other areas are neck deep in gang violence and violent crime.

A pretty common post on that subreddit is also, sadly, “I just got a call that’s never bothered me before but all of a sudden I’m broken” or “I’ve never had a problem running this type of call before but all of a sudden it just hit me.” Delayed trauma is a bitch. Someone pointed out that if a civilian saw a fatal car accident with multiple corpses, they’d be in therapy and given support and it’d be a huge deal. With EMS, they’re just expected to deal with it. (EMS mental health is getting better- there are helplines and resources and first responder focused therapies- but it’s still a developing field)

ANYWAYS, now that I’ve given you a crash course on the EMS mental health crisis (someone should really write a feature on EMS in Gotham those fuckers would be crazy and I love them already), my point is, how would this apply to the bats? Seeing bodies is treated as very much the norm to them, but do you think it ever just… catches up? The impact of seeing corpses day after day? Do you think they have to fake being fine and tough during those times because well, “everybody else in the family is fine with it, I’m not going to be a liability/burden/weak/etc”

Do you think Bruce, the goddamn batman, who shouldn’t be ruffled by anything, ever just feels something crack inside when he looks at a little boy who could have grown up healthy and strong like his Jason, had (Bruce) someone been there for him? and then he can’t work cases with kids for a week?

This is such an excellent ask, thank you so much for gracing my inbox with it!

It's a very good question. I'm also on a lot of those subreddits (needed to do some research for that fic) and the discussion in those forums and on TikTok is like you described, a kind of practiced desensitization to all gore and suffering in order to survive in their job.

What I've seen from those discussions (and my EMT friend) is an almost sub-conscious trend where they allow themselves the "thing" that breaks them, and they push a lot of that trauma and emotion onto that thing. Like an EMT saying they don't do kids, or they don't do gunshots to the eye, etc. And they'll sob like a baby on those calls, while remaining stone-faced and level-headed through the triple homicide.

I'm just theorizing here, but I imagine the Batfamily uses similar coping skills -- pushing all that trauma and suffering into a box which cracks only under limited, defined circumstances. And they break or snap only under those conditions, because, subconsciously, they allowed themselves to.

So yes, Bruce might be 99% fine with most of the bodies he sees, but there might be a little boy who has a detail (like Jason's dark hair) that just slams into him out of nowhere.

PTSD and trauma literally change the structure of the brain. Individuals react differently to trauma after that, but there does appear to be a "desensitizing" effect with repeated trauma, as the body tries to compensate.

I agree that the Gotham EMTs must be some crazy motherfuckers. They probably deal with 6x the normal shit EMTs deal with in other cities. They probably take on a lot more trauma and burn out quicker than other EMTs, too.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? I admit I don't cover PTSD explicitly in a lot of my fics.

[yuurivoice]

Alot of big creators having deep lore in thier stories is making your fans over analyze everything and you're just like "nah thats not important" "not that deep" "anything outside of the story isn't important its just for fun" lol

A little bit, I think. There's plenty of things that are fairly deep and lore relevant, and theorizing on that front is good and fun. There's just a clear distinction in what is and is not like that in my work, and some folks who like the more loosely tied together things like Lucien for example, would love it if it was deeper.

But I'm not gonna squeak out a fart if I ain't ready to toot, because that's how you end up shitting your britches, ya feel me?

(Jackie Commentary: "The real Tortured Poets Department...")

I think it's partly a symptom of the long wait between big narrative installments like BitterSweet and Auron's stuff, because people want to dig and that's a good thing, but there hasn't been a ton of new stuff to dig into for a while. Or they want to dig elsewhere and then when they come to me with questions I'm just like...idk man I don't even remember what you're referencing because I wrote it at 3am during a manic episode and forced myself to record it when I could hardly function. lol

I'm not that clever or deep, I don't present myself like some super talented writer who has a whole conspiracy board of lore mapped out in my office. I'm a fucking mess of a man who has failed upwards and thankfully people enjoy what I create, when I'm able to create it, and the rest is smut.

We also have a bit of an issue with people who only halfway know what they're talking about speaking like they 100% know what's going on and they're only half right and don't even know why. Like referring to all listeners as "Dreamers" only somewhat right, or thinking that only some characters are "Dreamers" is also not right.

And it's actually spelled out pretty clearly what Dreamers are if you know where to look, but I'm not just going to state it plainly in a random Tumblr post because I have plans on how it'll be addressed in the content itself.

So basically, with a lot of what I'm working on I'm also trying to make shit as clear as I can, tidying up the knowledge and lore for people while also creating some new questions to ponder that at least put people back on the right track.

There are also a lot of folks who have things pretty figured out, but they're...just chilling, I think. LOL

Ultimately, having people really curious and creative about things to the point of theory crafting and going deep is a good thing. I just...don't always have satisfying explanations or answers to some things because I'm not so deeply involved with my characters or some of their less intricate stories that I can just...unload a bunch of random trivia about them.

The speculative part of being a fan of character or story is the fun part, and I worry that having such direct access to me actually fucks that up to an extent. And because of the intimate nature of the content, people get really really really invested in these characters on levels that I don't typically go to. Seth and Alphonse, maybe Auron, are exceptions because they're very personal to me. But otherwise? That doesn't happen very often.

Anywho, we're probably at another juncture where I have to decide if it's healthier for me to take a few steps back and be less involved on this side of things for a while. It can get really exhausting and it doesn't have to be, but for me and for the fandom, probably.

[short-and-ugly]

Really normal length Skoodge analysis

Gonna just start with the simple things. Things you can get from watching one time alone. Maybe. Probably not I don't think you people think about him enough to gather any of this. No. I'm sorry I love you all. I'm just a specific level of detached from average not-Skoodge viewers and don't know what all is expected. It's that one meme "Even when compensating, experts in any field will overestimate the average person's knowledge."

It's rough. Let's get into it.

Speech is probably an easy one! Yeah? Yeah.

A lot of the things he says are very literal... there's a lot of tacting things that are currently happening. A lot of stating the obvious.

("I'm afraid!")

Admittedly... this is probably a byproduct of him not being a "main character." His dialogue is a lot less important than that of characters like Zim and Dib. But it's still worth talking about! I'd like to think it's genuinely just his personality to be obvious and talk about things as if people aren't already aware of them. Maybe even have him be a bit tone-deaf. That's more headcanon territory though! So let's walk on past that before I confuse myself and all of you.

DOUBLE NEGATIVES...!

... only happen once. In the background. While he's being talked over by a bunch of teammates.

("Yeah; really that's actually good and more logical cause I don't really wanna make a chain or nothing like that.")

His speech is a lot more casual and, in transcripts for unfinished episode(s)(?) almost innocent!

frothing at the mouth at this one actually i dont like it. not good. this is just exposition. he would not fucking say that (probably wrong) (this was written by the shows writers) (it still makes me angry)

This one I just wanted to add because it's silly. Look at how silly he is. He's just a fun loving guy. Why does his mind go to dancing straight away? We'll never know... the inner machinations of his mind are an enigma.

Skoodge reads as... more impulsive than anything (and maybe a little anxiety-riddled but that might also just be me projecting). He doesn't strike me as a critical thinker who really tries to like... weigh the consequences of his actions. He just does shit and when it doesn't work out he does more. I imagine that's what most irkens are like, actually, now that I think about it...

His gut instinct must be controlling him because if it isn't then I honestly can't find any good explanation as to how he's survived for so long.

Which perfectly segways me into something a little more analyzing-like:

Skoodge is a cockroach.

He got shot out of a cannon and still comes back to the Empire. He... really does seem to believe that being here will help him out somehow. As if it hasn't already been proven that nothing he will do will satisfy the society he hails from.

Desperation can make you do desperate things; and Skoodge's entire character just reeks of desperation.

From apparently being considered to eat his own skin (before being deemed too much by the network) [no screenshot available because I don't even know how I'd begin to look for it] to the more canonical screaming-like-a-baby whenever something happens to him, it kinda makes you wonder how the hell he even got to where he is in the first place.

Now, this is more speculation than actual evidence, but I think it's a fair enough bet to say that Skoodge earned his title as an invader. He has no height to propel him forward in society, so whatever he did would've had to've involved sheer tenacity and an inclination for survival.

He is almost definitely, genuinely, afraid of death. And because of that, he just... doesn't die.

I know at an objective view, he doesn't die because it's funnier that way, and helps with jokes and gags, but like... c'mon. This is a deep analysis post. I'm allowed to get a little indulgent with it.

Treading into more theorization-territory here.

Irkens are raging Xenophobes.

And Zim fits this bill perfectly! He's slotted himself into this mindset without any issue, making up... unique slurs for humans and other things he comes by. Because he tries too hard to be a perfect irken. Maybe. That's a topic for someone that's insane about Zim, not me. This is about my guy.

If Zim is the perfect representation of an irken soldier (on a purely superficial level), then Skoodge is an outlier. Not in that he's good at his job; he's supposed to be! No, rather, his differences lie in his temperance. His composure, whatever you call it. He is far too complacent and even possibly a bit meek, if you wanna go ahead and call him that.

You see that? That right there is respect for a... honestly almost certainly, by irken standards, inferior species.

Now, this could either mean one of three things.

Either A) Skoodge is not space racist (best case scenario)

or B) Skoodge lacks self-confidence; not seeing himself as superior, and thus being compliant and respectful to the obvious figure of authority in front of him.

or C) Skoodge does not have respect for his Empire (very unlikely, seeing as the only reason he's still here is because he's trying to gain a promotion from said Empire)

Shooting down option A immediately with this dialogue here (Battle Of The Planets)

Sorry folks... he is very much so still space racist.

As for option B...

I'm going to be completely honest here. I think I've been interpreting this wrong in my series. I have a whole lot of complex reasons explaining why Skoodge doesn't have much confidence, but honestly, he reads as more... chill. And down-to-earth, than he does as self-loathing.

There is possibly evidence of him having a more quiet and subdued personality, instead of just him not being a xenophobe; and it comes from the very first episode!

Crying in front of the tallest at the Assigning. Admittedly, Larb cried too; but he at least had enough push in him to say something.

Skoodge doesn't. He's even disheartened by the Tallest's initial jeering of him! Which admittedly, might not be the best example of low self-esteem, because those are the literal Leaders of his fucking Empire... but it is definitely a shift from him being the proud, confident, short-and-ugly invader that he's shown to be in Battle Of The Planets. Invading Blorch must've really (rightfully) inflated his ego.

Which he normally lacks.

He lacks ego, but that doesn't mean he lacks confidence. He knows that he's good at things in spite of his flaws, and takes pride in it! Even though that pride ends up shooting him in his own foot. Sad.

And why is it that he lacks ego? Every other irken thus far (sans maybe Sizz-lorr) has demonstrated just how... important. It is for them to have one. How almost ingrained into their nature their egos are. Why does Skoodge not go on to boast about his glory when any other irken in his situation would? Again, it's going to be another one of those things that I just can't be too sure about, but I'm going to hazard to say that it's because he's so physically flawed. Short and ugly. (Probably the reason why his uniform is stained. Why put forth the effort to make your uniform look good if it's impossible for the rest of you?)

There is. Almost no doubt in my mind, that he's had to fight tooth and nail to get to where he is, claw his way to the top. And if he's done that, he knows the struggle of being lower? He knows because no matter how high he gets, he'll still always be that "lower"? augh. what the fuck.

Skoodge has been humbled by this because he's been reminded of it at almost every point in his life. He doesn't boast to inferiors because he knows that there is nothing to boast, that he is technically one of those inferiors. Because even despite his successes, someone will always go on to point out his flaws.

Which really brings attention to Battle Of The Planets, to the Tallest pointing out his flaws. He just had his greatest success. Purple gave him one flaw, he gave another. And he gave it proudly.

... SECRET FOURTH OPTION D YEAHHHH BABY!!!!

FAWN RESPONSE.

With his inclination towards survival it would make sense to reason that he's only polite in front of potentially-threatening company because it means that he's less likely to get pummeled for being. Anything else.

Being polite is just as credible a survival technique as anything else! We just don't get to see any other irkens using it.

Skoodge is. Competent. He conquered his planet first!

He's a good invader. And that's probably because he knows when to run.

He's very vocal about it, if he knows (or thinks) that there's someone around to assist him. Silent with his impending doom (ha) at the Assigning, but very very loud when being chased down in the canyon by the hogulus in Hobo 13.

Now, I don't know about you, but irkens don't really strike me as the kind of species to back down from anything. To me, they read as more of a "do it or die" kinda group. Again, this whole trait kiiiinda almost begging to be pegged as outlier. The only thing that makes me on the fence about this one is, again, the fact that it's a cartoon and Skoodge's fear might be for the sake of gags.

That doesn't really explain this though. He has literally no reason to be scared here. In this specific scenario (Day Of Da Spookies! unfinished episode) he's disguised as a human. Every person there is none the wiser to him and his alien nature. He's just... like this...? All the time? Apparently? Maybe?

Or maybe! There's other things at play here!

Skoodge is competent...

... but.

A friend put it into better words than I could:

His brain turns to mush whenever he's around Zim.

(Honestly, the volunteer line might actually add on to his possible lack of self-respect? Hard to say if it's that, or if he's just that desperate to give respect at the sign of any spare bit of authority, even if that authority comes from an irken shorter than him.)

It makes me wonder if most of what we've seen of him is just Zim's influence on him. Scared at the Assigning? He didn't know Zim was there, so that had to have been genuine. Saluting to an inferior species? He had to have known that Zim was there, because Zim introduced himself first (and very loudly at that), but I think it was also genuine because Zim wasn't directly influencing him?

Screaming because of the hogulus and running like a child from some humans? Those are almost definitely Zim's doing. I just. Don't know How.

Screaming is a weakness, I think; at least it should be (in the eyes of irkens), and when Skoodge does it he does it because he seems convinced that Zim will help him. And yet Zim never does! Skoodge has no reason to believe this!

But still, believe he does.

They had to have been... kind of close? At one point in their lives.

Potentially. I don't know how close a person can get to Zim, but Skoodge has just barely managed to do it, by virtue of the fact that he is quite possibly the only living thing in the universe that can tolerate being around Zim for more than five seconds.

And his cockroach-itude. That definitely helps. You can't be killed by Zim's passive destructive radius if you genuinely just can't fucking die at all.

But that explains nothing of his weird eagerness to do things for Zim. It borders on obsessive. It might actually be obsessive, since he's apparently been living in Zim's vents ever since the events of Hobo 13. Without telling him.

Skoodge is fucking deranged. Skoodge doesn't even register as a blip on Zim's radar of people-to-acknowledge, but he will still always just do things for him, and be excited to, too!

I don't know what's wrong with him. The less easy and definitely one too many steps detached from canon explanation would be that he views Zim as the ideal irken and strives to be like him. The easiest explanation would be that he just really likes Zim.

Gosh. Even that still raises the question of how or why he would. Zim is fucking terrible to not just him, but everyone. He is unbiased in whose life he ruins.

And Skoodge is perfectly content with just letting Zim ruin his.

man. i hate him. i really really do.

[cloudcountry]

Part 3 of rant ig?

But yeah, idia is fucking doomed by the narrative in every way and for whatever reason it make my brain light the fuck up.

I would definitely consider myself the emotional support dog to a degree? I like helping people with mental health and I feel obligated to help those I can. I've had a bad run with my own brain and my shit can be considered MILD compared to a lot of stuff. And so I look at characters like idia, I relate, and I immediately go "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT OF STRESSFUL SITUATIONS IMMEDIATELY " I'm the oldest of my siblings I'm a care taker I look at those people who need validation or brain feelings help and I go "I GOTCHU BRO" because if my brain made me feel as bad as I felt.. WHO KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO THIS POOR GUY :((( LIKE

Liking idia is like finding the wettest most pathetic half dead cat that's scared of ppl and has behavioral issues, and helping it becuase that kitty has the potential to be the bestest and most happiest cat ever

Tldr: he's so fucked up he triggers my protective and nurturer instincts

Plus!!! He likes anime and I was literally raised on that! Since I was like 8, every Saturday the whole family would watch an episode of Dragon Ball and an episode of Bleach. Otaku??? Ranting buddy??? Someone the theorize and binge with?? YES. Dude have you ever shit talked your least favorite character and everyone hyped you up becuase they ALSO hate that character???? THAT SHIT CATHARTIC!! AnD THAT HALLOWEEN GETUP???? HONEY DO YOU WANT TO COSPLAY WITH ME PLEASE I JUST WANT TO WEAR MECH ARMOR---

Idia is Hella nuerodivergent coded and it makes me salivate because like!!! He knows TM. Existing around other people with fucked up brains is so weirdly cool becuase alot of the time you can just tune in to the other on a subconscious level like Bluetooth connection. PARALLEL PLAY WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING WITH IDIA BC HE WOULD JUST PLAY GAMES AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Also the infodumping. INFODUMPING BELOVED. I personally, would love to hear him go off about tech shit that I would not understand becuase just the feel of the passion is intoxicating!! (This feeling extends to Jade leech btw) FREE DOCUMENTARY!!!

Another thing I also appreciate is the Sass that they stole from Hades, Idia is a sassy little bitch and it is WONDERFUL. He is a petty little shit. A horrible stinky gremlin man. I love the slang, the puns, the utter bullshit. He intrigues me and I wish to study him!!!!! He would send me a blurry picture of bread with the caption "me living that crumb life " at 2:47 am and I would lose my shit BECUASE YES. CRUMB LIFE!!! YOU ARE LIVING IT!!!! He's also genuinely smart and I like smart characters. Idia is a little shit, but he's also smart. I 100% believe in the "you can think your way out of anything if you just get creative enough" way of looking at things. IMPROVISE ADAPT OVERCOME!!! I appreciate the technological skills and alternative thinking patterns! (camp Vargas where he motivated himself to pick up sticks by comparing it to something he liked? Boom. Creative thinking beats out executive dysfunction!!!)

It's a type of friendship and weird bullshit I couldn't see myself doing with a lot of other twst characters ? There potential for a deep emotional understanding and connection that is just really alluring for my mind ig

Just 2 fucked up ppl trying to exist, but at least it's easier together sort of thing? Also idia would probably let me kill someone.

okay WOW you and edie sent me so much about this man and i like just woke up so now im reading this with a hazy sleep brain LMAO AKSJDHHSFGJDHSGDFH

but you know its very interesting to see how things that bother me SO MUCH are things that make other people laugh. they make other people like him. THE THINGS I DONT LIKE ARE ENDEARING TO YOU PEOPLE!!!!! its all about perspective!

idia is really fucking smart like i may not like him but i can acknowledge his good parts. he cares about his brother hes smart and uhhhh ummmm uhhhhhhhhhh ANYWAY. im just teasaing SDJJSDDJ but thats why i love when i get these long winded messages about characters i dont like because if i can change my mind about rook and vil i can change my mind about idia

all it takes is people who loves him!!

[96percentdone]

I've been ruminating on fandom lately. Criticizing fandom at all will get you barraged by very defensive fans who will accuse you of hating fun, not understanding creative expression, and being an art snob, and I am about to go a LOT harder than most of the posts I've been exposed to, so in an attempt to preemptively curb that indignance: I like fandom. I have written fanfics, and theory posts, and meta, and I've reblogged countless fanart. A lot of what I engage with or have made meets the standards I'm about to critique, and I understand completely that for many, fandom is a hobby. People would like to escape from the struggles in their lives. They find comfort in the media they love, so they immerse themselves it. It can be hard to make anything in this capitalist hellscape, so if you've achieved something at all, it's a miracle. I get it. I really do. I'm not an art snob; I think it's fine if things aren't that deep, and they're primarily wish-fulfillment. I have some grievances with the critics too, and they'll come up. This post isn't about you specifically; it's bigger. Fandom content suffers a lack of substance because of superficial engagement with the source material.

Many fandom critical posts on this website bring up shipping culture as the reason everything is samey and uninteresting, often referencing ao3 in specific. I sympathize with these posts, I also find shipping prominence can be fairly tedious when you want to read ANYTHING else, but why is it when complain about fandom, we point the finger at fic? Why do we use shorthands like "he would not fucking say that," and drop ao3 tagging conventions, and mention fanfic websites? Have y'all LOOKED at the fan art you reblog? A lot of it is just posing and kissing. If you wanted to analyze it for any further meaning, I don't think you'd get very far. I am not positioning fanfiction as superior; as everyone points out, a lot of it is repetitive and derivative, but let's not pretend that this is a fanfic exclusive issue. We can take it further out! Look at the absolute state of meta. Most analysis is done in service of promoting a headcanon or a ship if it isn't just a theory wildly speculating an explanation for an unresolved or ambiguous plot point. We're gonna include those guys who make power scaling rankings, filling out the wiki, etc too. They're fans! Everyone agrees those people aren't engaging with the text in a deeper way, but that doesn't make them NOT fans. It is the way their appreciation manifests the clearest! We're all fans; we are doing the same thing in just a different form.

Most of what gets popularized I all these spaces is based on a strictly literal understanding of the work; it's about plot events and how characters relate to it and one another, and the meaning people get out of it—from shipping to theorizing to memes to tierlists—never goes beyond that level. If people don't know how to look for themes, to interpret symbolism and examine the construction of a work to see how it contributes to how the whole is operating to affect them, because their education on how to do it sucked shit, then obviously they won't. But I don't think that's enough to explain the heart of the problem.

Critics will bring up the fandom wash cycle, an analogy for how way fandom will spend more time engaged with itself than the source material, and perpetuate its own tropes and fixations ad nauseum. This is true in any fanspace you can spend your time in, including those "who would win" bros. I hear this, and I think of social media, the place most of fandom lives now. People making original work often talk about how their stuff never gets any attention compared to fandom stuff; the biggest fandoms are sprawling franchises with corporate entities behind them. Social media algorithms promote what is already popular, what will generate the most clicks, so you stay online and make their corporate overlords more money. It is the depth of human experience streamlined into easily digestible chunks.

You're spent because life is hard and the world sucks and the only relief you can find is in the media you love. You don't want to expend a lot of energy today, so you'll consume or create ship centered content, or fan theories, or memes and gifs. You'll wonder who would win in a fight. Even without social media, people feed their own algorithms, because the system is designed to encourage it. Fandom is part of a larger whole.

If fandom will ever be more than what it is, you have to be willing to put in the work to fix it. Criticism won't cut it. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see in the world. Create what you want to see, use what you make to teach what might be lacking, seek out more of the things that look like what you want fandom to be (I assure you it exists), not just what you already know. Fandom is perpetuated by fans. Being a fan doesn't make you predisposed to creating cyclical, watered-down content. Every fan has a rich internal life with a whole host of experiences that should inform both how they make their works and how they read it to begin with, because they're people.

People are far too diverse to be defined by an algorithm; maybe with enough effort, we can write a new one.

[sburbian-sage]

First of all, thank you. I'm not sure you remember me, because while I tried to aim for relatively soon after my last message, all my computer is willing to confirm is that this will reach you at some point after you advised me on getting the Sand roleplay coefficient up and shattered my faith in a co-player, but before other points somewhere on the timeline of the universe. (I should clarify those are both good things. See, I thought I was struggling because I sucked at Sand, but turns out I was struggling because I sucked at Sand AND because I was trusting someone whose advice was actively making me worse.)

I do also have a question, probably not life-or-death this time. See, I've made a grudging truce with the concept of weird language shit, and I'm really confused by the metaphors in this game. Like, in a way I don't think is just a me problem. For example, I find the Blood aspect's meaning mostly intuitive, but according to the trolls in my session, blood's metaphorical role in their culture was more about organization, division, and/or getting fucked over by life, though they eventually got it on an intellectual level. Meanwhile, I've figured Breath out on an intellectual level but I feel deep in my soul that having it stand for destruction is some absolute bullshit. Both of us have cultural dissonance with the system of metaphors the game has thrust upon us.

So is there any known sburb-playing society for whom ALL the aspects are metaphorically intuitive? It's not humans, it's not trolls, I haven't interacted with the other player species much, but is the target audience of this shitshow known or did I just unearth/rediscover another fucking Sburb Mystery?

In my honest opinion, Blood as organization mostly gels (pun not intended) with Troll's cultural conception of blood considering that their Hemospectrum is an organizational system that promotes social cohesion with the roles of one's own caste. It's a bad organizational system, don't get me wrong, and the caste-specific roles are bullshit, but it fundamentally is about consolidation (though the invulnerability and creation of life is completely dissonant). And if Breath-as-destruction sounds off to you, think of how the winds erode the mountains over centuries, or how much absolute havoc hurricanes wreak. Maybe that's a stretch, but it makes a sort of sense to me. Though I am still willing to admit that some of the associations are loose, or that the designers seemingly put several mildly-to-not-very related associations in one Aspect.

But to answer your actual question, no, I am unaware of any species or society for whom all Aspects are metaphorically intuitive. This might have something to do with the fact that SBURB's actual creators are unknown. On Earth, most copies come from SkaiaNet, a company whose origin is completely unknown, seemingly having ocme out of literal nowhere, whose only purpose for existing is to make SBURB happen. But on Alternia (and some iterations of Earth), it's made by some solo auteur, most of the time seemingly having found some ancient crypts containing mysterious runes or symbols or slabs or grimoires, which they then translated and used to create the game's code. A process which, if they were the player, they seemingly don't remember much of what happened, as if they were possessed while doing it. But who left those crypts and code? Assuming we even know where the discs came from.

Some people theorize that the creation of SBURB is a sort of paradox. It's some mystic "here's my conception of the universe" stuff, where time is a circle and the final session of SBURB will result in the creation of the first universe to receive SBURB, making it a self-perpetuating thing with no actual point of origin (hence paradox). I don't put much stock into any of the fake religions people made after playing SBURB (or for that matter, any of the fake religions made before SBURB), but this does answer your question. There is exactly one culture for whom all of SBURB's Asepcts and mythology is intuitive. And it's replayer culture.

[caparrucia]

i don't think people truly care about morality in fiction. people use "morality" as an start drama and discourse and harassment campaigns because they're so bored with their lives they have nothing to do. by using the morality excuse, they shift all blame to the people they're trying to other and not them. because these same people who scream about morality in fiction are also the people who also drawn-up long-ass excuses about why they support a something (totally not financially of course!) made by actual known bigots who spew hateful shit about real groups of people and actively try to harm real life society. they'll whine about how a piece of media is toxic and disgusting, but when presented with a piece of media that isn't so, they find reasons to make it problematic (even something as stupid as an author liking a tweet made by some guy who got cancelled 7 years ago for making shitty mario porn) so that way they feel good about hating it.

nobody cares about having a discussion about morality in fiction and how it reflects or affects or real world. people just want an excuse to be horrible people for the sake of it.

So, I don't think you're wrong, necessarily, in so far as yeah, none of these conversations about morality in media are being had in good faith, because a lot of people don't even know what a good faith conversation about morality in media even looks like.

Spoilers: it's not about "this thing shouldn't exist and we should make it so people do not create things like this, by force if necessary." It's more along the lines of "what kind of commentary and reception will encourage better ethics in media production" and "is there anything worthwhile to discuss about any given work, is the transgresiveness of the morality within meant to say something, or is it really just not that deep, bro."

Notice the distinct lack of "THIS SHOULDN'T EXIST" and "YOUR MEDIA CREATION/CONSUMPTION DEFINES YOUR MORAL CHARACTER" and trying to litigate the concept of "GOOD PERSON." Because all of those are dog whistles for anti-intellectualism and pro-censorship tendencies that are prime to be radicalized into something... well. Radical.

My thing is, genuinely, dipping into the ad hominem is cathartic but not particularly useful. And yeah, accusing them of doing what they're doing out of boredom is, in fact, ad hominem. Because that automatically changes the discussion back to the whole "NO, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON, I AM IN FACT A GOOD PERSON, THEREFORE EVERYTHING I DO IS GOOD BY DEFAULT" track of circular argument that ultimately devolves into thought crime.

It doesn't matter why they're doing it. What they're doing is wrong and harmful, and the way to put a hard stop on it, is to not engage with it. Because engaging on their level, engaging on theorizing about "why" is inadvertently affirming the validity of their viewpoint. It's tacitly acknowledging that if there's a good reason for it, the tactics themselves can be used. I think that's incorrect. The tactics are deplorable, regardless of what objective one argues they're working towards.

I've had conversations about this with a friend, where they educated me on a lot of the nuance about depictions of torture in fiction. And how the concept of "torture bad" is inherently diminished when your fiction also portrays "torture works" unironically right next to it, because it legitimizes torture as a thing that gets results, even though it is scientifically proven that it doesn't. But in the attempt to characterize the bad guys as bad and immoral, many writers use torture as synecdoche, where torture ends up being bad because it's used by the bad guys, not because torture itself is pointless cruelty weaponized stupidly.

And I feel the same way about the playbook of derailment and plain old bad faith engagement with media and morality. It doesn't matter why people are engaging in it, I don't think. Maybe individual cases, when you know someone who's falling into the funnel and you're trying to reach out and try to get them away from that edge. But in general? It doesn't matter. You're causing harm, and from a harm reduction perspective, what matters is figuring out an effective way to stop them.

This is also how I engage with other radicalized, discourse poisoned bigotry champions, like T*RFs. There's nothing inherently valuable in their ideology or their methodology, so the best thing you can do is de-platform it, as aggressively as possible. Because even just spreading it in order to dunk on it is just causing splash damage on people around you. And it might sound dramatic, but given how much of the rhetoric on faux media criticism revolves around horrific abuse being commodified for internet discourse points, and given the fact abuse is generally under reported and abuse victims are often around us, keeping their status to themselves for their own safety... yeah, it is harmful to spread even for the fun snarking.

I'm big on harm reduction. I look at problems and conflicts and I try to go for whichever option, at the time, I believe is going to cause the least harm possible. I also really don't believe in giving power to structures that are known to abuse it, because I belong to quite a few groups that have been historically the first ones to get shat on as soon as those shiny new powers are abused. And they will always be abused. I understand that is a frustrating POV for a lot of people, because I'm always of the naysayers that keeps trying to figure out how rules made in good faith will be abused in bad faith, but I've been on the internet for 25 years and I've done moderation work often enough, both IRL and online, that I consider that to be just basic politics.

Don't give the dude who wants to shiv you a knife, no matter how much he promises he's not going to use it on you.

[melon3x]

CRYING, LOOSING MY ABSOLUTE MINDDDD

BESTIES WHO’S GONNA TEL THEM, BESTIES TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS YOUR HOMIES

I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH, WRITING MY WILL, THIS HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY IS MAKING ME GO FERAL TO A LETHAL DEGREE

[miekasa]

slow hands

+ pairing: levi ackerman x reader

+ genre and warnings: fluff, some angst? but hardly, levi is the sweetest, please do not mistake his quiet affections for apathy or lovelessness

+ word count: 3k

+ summary: based off of a request about physical affection and acts of service being levi’s love languages—which i agree! i’m so happy you asking about that, i could write essays about how physical touch is important to levi, but instead, i will leave you with this for now lol

i. in crowded spaces (so you don’t get lost, or so he claims)

Levi isn’t particularly fond of the way you like to go shopping in the inner walls. He is, however, fond of you; so he forgoes the prissy upper-class men and overall stingy aura of Wall Sina’s inhabitants just so you can get your favorite kind of bread and fruit.

Today, it seems like everyone and their mother wanted to visit the outdoor markets, despite the scheming merchants and obviously overpriced merchandise. From the crowd to the noise level, none of it is really up Levi’s alley; but he has to admit, watching people fail to successful haggle the price of eggs is immensely amusing to him.

What isn’t amusing is the way you keep stopping in the middle of the square, distracted by anything remotely shiny or with a pleasant smell you come across. Levi stops in his tracks, sensing a lack of your presence behind him; he turns around, and sure enough, you’re standing a few meters away, squinting at the price written above the basket of apples in front of you.

He sighs, trudging back to you, and watching from a step away as you scan over the fruit scrutinizingly. The merchant behind the stand does his best at selling you his product, boasting about how the fruit is fresh and hand-picked, and some other bullshit.

“These look good,” you muse to yourself, picking up a single, red apple in your palm for closer observation, “I could make a pie for the kids later.”

“Ah, pretty and she cooks, what a woman,” the bearded merchant smiles, adjusting his hat as he looks at you.

He only seems to notice Levi’s presence when he pushes forward just a little bit, looking at the apples, bored, then to the man, who speaks to him next, “Can I interest you in a basket, too, sir?”

Levi doesn’t respond with anything but a slight shake of his head, before looking back to you. You’re standing upright now, having placed your sample apple back with the rest, unfazed by Levi standing next to you; like you were completely unaware you’d left him in the first place.

He holds back a scoff. You can be so unaware of your surroundings at times, he honestly thinks it’s a miracle that you make it back from your missions alive. You’re also seemingly unaware of just how many inner wall pigs flirt with you, as you look completely oblivious to the advances of the merchant, who offers you two baskets for the price of one—the only caveat being that you allow him to take you on a date later that evening.

Levi lolls his head to the side, tired eyes gazing at the old man who tries to cut himself a bargain. He knows you’re prepared to give an overly polite and nonchalant response to wave the man off, but Levi doesn’t have time for your pleasantries today. 

Quietly, he reaches for your free hand, lacing your fingers together firmly before pulling you away from the merchant and the stand.

“Levi!” you call for him, borderline whining, “I wasn’t actually going to agree to a date with him, but the apples—”

“There’s a stand a few streets over that Hange claims is better than anything she’s ever eaten,” Levi grumbles, questioning under his breath about where the hell the piece of shit men in the interior get their audacity from, “And you don’t need two baskets. One is enough.”

Levi doesn’t turn your way, so he misses the fond look in your eyes and the small curve to your lips. He does, however, feel the way you wrap your other arm around his, leaning into him gently as to not disturb your stride as you keep walking.

“But I want to have enough to make a pie for the kids, later,” you tell him, slowly rubbing your thumb against the fabric of his blazer.

Levi scoffs audibly this time. “You don’t have to make shit for them.”

“I don’t have to do shit for anyone,” you smile, “But they’re just kids, Levi. Besides, I know you like pie, too, you big baby.”

Levi doesn’t say anything at that, only choosing to flash you an unamused scowl, before pulling you down a smaller, less crowded street.

“Let’s just get the fucking apples and go home,” he says, decidedly, passing by a group of MPs sharing a flask, “I don’t know how much longer I can stay in the interior without snapping some pig’s head off.”

ii. during long meetings

Levi thinks that if Erwin weren’t Commander, he could probably make a living as a pastor with the way he preaches for hours on end.

It’s going on hour two of this long, drawn-out strategy meeting, and Levi knows that he’s not the only one about to lose his fucking marbles. Albeit, he’s much more composed than some other people around the table; he still wants to retire to his office for the evening. Even the mountain of paperwork waiting for him would be more entertaining than this.

Levi listens, admittedly a little more carefully, when you speak up, offering information about the layouts of a small town destroyed on your last expedition, where you’d lost a member of your own squad. Erwin nods, looking back down at his map to take your words into consideration.

Levi looks to his right where you’re seated, notices the guilt flash in your eyes as you think about your last failed expedition. It wasn’t your fault, and you know that; but he knows, more than anyone, how difficult it can be to lose one of your own soldiers.

Quietly, he lifts his teacup with his right hand, and places it down in front of you. He says nothing beyond an almost unnoticeable nod towards the cup once it’s within your reach, before looking back towards Erwin and Armin.

If anyone else seemed to notice his gesture, they don’t make it known. Except for Hange, of course, who flashes him a knowing grin before resuming her conversation.

Levi knows you’ve finished the tea when he feels your hand resting lightly atop his knee, tapping your index and middle fingers against his pants—a silent thank you. In the middle of his own conversation, he doesn’t turn to you or say much other than slipping his right hand on top of yours, loosely curling his fingers between the slits of yours.

His hand stays there for the rest of the meeting, his thumb rubbing slow, unidentifiable patterns into the skin on the back of your hand; an empty teacup, and a mutual gratitude between the two of you.

iii. when you’re working too hard (or for too long)

If not the gigantic humanoid monsters out to swallow you whole, the paperwork is probably the worst part about being a captain in the Survey Corps. Levi would know, having spent countless nights up reading proposals, approving plans, signing documents, filling out death certificates.

It can be grueling work, even if it is, essentially, reading and writing whilst being sat at a desk. And while, sometimes, he can admit that the paperwork is more bearable than his own nightmares; he knows that for you, it holds no such solace.

If anyone thought that Levi worked himself to the bone, they must not have met you. Your meticulous mannerisms and work ethic could almost make him seem sloppy by comparison. It’s not uncommon to find you training yourself or your cadets into the ground, theorizing with Hange and Erwin, or—Levi’s personal least favorite—hunched over your desk, eyes scanning away at stacks of ink-ridden papers.

You must be five or six hours in by now, if he’s calculated correctly. The last time he saw you was around midday, when he’d been watching you spar with Jean. It’s dark out now, the other cadets and soldiers having retired to their rooms for the evening after dinner. 

“You’ll end up a hunchback if you keep this up,” he drawls upon entering your office. He watches as your head snaps up to him; he figured you hadn’t even heard him enter, seeing as you didn’t respond to his knocking. He wonders how it’s possible for you to be so aloof, yet so scrupulous all at once.

Embarrassed, more likely at your lack of awareness than his comment, you push yourself up a little bit, elbows on your desk and fingers crossed. “You’re not exactly one to talk, you know.”

Levi only hums at your jab, inching towards your desk. He likes the way your eyes track his movements as his proximity to you increases, stepping around your desk to stand behind your chair. 

“Sit up,” he orders, voice soft yet firm.

He waits for you to straighten your back, but frowns when you scoot your chair closer to your desk after doing so. He takes it upon himself to move your chair back, ignoring the terrible squeaking of the wood scraping across the floor. Well, at least that was an indication that the floors were clean.

“I can’t write if I’m this far from my desk,” you complain, just as the palms of Levi’s hands make contact with your shoulders.

“Good thing I’m not asking you to write anything,” Levi replies, digging the heels of his hands into your shoulder muscles. This would work better with your shirt off, he muses to himself, but this would have to do.

You open your mouth to protest, but your words fall short on your tongue, an exhale of relief coming out instead as Levi continues to massage your shoulders. Levi can feel you melting into his actions, your body going slack and the knots in your muscles uncoiling themselves. He counts about five minutes in passing before he hears your breath calm, too; the shallow exhales of your overworked body replaced with deep inhalations and extended sighs.

He lightens his movements as his massage comes to and end. The palm of his left hand runs across your throat gently, allowing him to tuck his thumb and index finger under your chin, and tilt your head backwards for you to face him. Levi’s thumb pads against your jaw line as you look up at him, and him back at you. 

Finally, he leans down, his lips making contact with your forehead for a gentle kiss, “You work too hard.”

“I learned from the best,” and just as gently, you reach your arm up and backwards, your palm clumsily finding its way to Levi’s hair, pulling him down, towards your lips this time, “You take such good care of me.”

“Obviously,” Levi mumbles, stealing another kiss between his words, “That’s my job, brat.”

iv. during dinner time

The Mess Hall is among Levi’s least favorite places, for obvious reasons; but he does enjoy sharing a meal with you, and ensuring that you’ve eaten a full serving to sustain yourself.

He can look past Hange and Nanaba’s overly enthusiastic conversations, despite sitting directly across each other, Erwin’s sloppy eating habits, and the overall rowdy atmosphere of the Mess Hall, as long as he has you beside him to numb the pain. Which is why he’s been exceptionally grumpy these past two weeks, as you’ve taken to sitting with some of the younger cadets during dinner time. 

It’s not unusual and it doesn’t surprise him, or anyone really; everyone can see how much they all adore you. Especially Mikasa, strangely enough. Probably because of the way you treat Eren, and how much he and Armin look up to you; and probably because she was your first pick to fill a vacancy in your squad. 

He walks with you across the floor, the both of you holding your own tray of food—a watery soup, some bread, and a piece of fruit as a treat. He knows you won’t finish your soup, and that he’ll have to give you half of his bread to make up for it; but he also knows you’ll slice up your apple for him to eat in exchange.

So Levi is not too happy when he sees Eren waving your way, the clumsy idiot almost hitting Armin in the head from the uncoordinated shaking of his hand. You smile at the younger boy, turning your body to walk towards his table.

Levi, however, stops your stride before it can begin, pulling tactfully at the back of your shirt, and forcing you to turn back around. He pokes at the nape of your neck, gently pushing you forwards, and in the direction of the table where Erwin, Hange, Mike and Moblit are seated.

You seem to get his silent message, flashing Levi a sweet smile before turning to offer Eren a sorry glance as you continue to head in the direction of the table with your colleagues. Levi hums when you start walking again, following closely behind you, and turning back to offer Eren a not-so-sorry, not-so-friendly glare.

Levi was getting his apple sliced for him today, whether the brats liked it or not.

“You know, you should sit with them sometime,” you tell him, breaking his small loaf in half to dip it into your soup, “They admire you a lot.”

“I think they’d shit their pants if shorty even came near their table,” Hange jokes, earning chuckles from some of your colleagues.

Levi says nothing and refrains from rolling his eyes. He could care less about the admiration they hold for him, or for you. If Eren and Amin wanted to spend time with you that badly, then they should train their asses off and make it onto your squad.

“Oi,” you call to him, mocking his voice and tone, “Here, they gave us yellow ones today, I know they’re your favorite.”

Levi shoves you with his elbow affectionately, before taking the slice of apple from your hold. He chews gratefully, heart beating against his chest in admiration as you carefully place the rest of the slices on his tray.

He squeezes your thigh in thanks under the table once you’ve finished slicing both apples for him. Sure, he could do it himself, and sure he could technically see you in your room whenever he wants, but that’s not the point; Levi will be damned if he catches any of those other brats with his apple slices.

v. when you come home

It’s not often that Levi becomes overly worried about your well-being, as backwards and apathetic as it may seem to other people. He trusts you, and knows that you’re stronger than you look—stronger than him, even—and he has no reason to doubt you; you’ve always come back to him.

But now, it’s going on eleven days since your squad was supposed to return from specially designed and assigned mission from Erwin himself, and Levi was beginning to let his nerves get the best of him.

He knows he’s not the only one getting antsy for some kind of message—any kind of sign at all—that you and your men were okay. Two days ago, Hange had pestered Erwin for the greater part of an hour about sending just one more tracking squad to look for yours; Mikasa and Armin hovered around for any news that you had returned, and that you’d brought Eren back unharmed; hell, even Mike had come to check in with him, rocking on his feet, asking Levi if there had been any news from you.

It’s dark out now, the day coming to a close, marking the twelfth night since your estimated return date. Levi sighs, untucking himself from his desk, intent on marching down to Erwin’s office and demanding he let him go look for you.

“You know we have to give it fourteen days, at least,” Erwin sighs.

“That’s a bullshit rule and you know it,” Hange interjects, having burst into the room only seconds after Levi; hung up on your lack of return just as much as he was.

Of course she is—you’re Hange’s closest friend. Not to mention, you’d taken Moblit with you on your mission, setting Hange’s work back significantly without the presence of her valuable second.

“I know,” Erwin nods, “But the first tracking squad found no evidence of any bodies. They’re most likely alive.”

“All of them?” Hange questions, incredulous and hopeful.

“That’s what we hope for,” Erwin responds, voice heavy. He looks to Levi, “She’ll come back. She always does.”

Levi knows that; he knows. But he still can’t shake this feeling. He opens his mouth to refute, when Sasha comes bumbling into Erwin’s office, heaving.

“Commander Erwin, Captain (Y/N)’s squad has just returned!” Sasha squeaks, “No casualties, four in the infirmary now with minor wounds, but nobody’s in critical condition, sir.”

Levi can barely register the young girl’s words, before he’s storming towards the infirmary, desperately searching for your familiar face amongst the soldiers in the cots. He sees Moblit amongst some of your other men and hastily asks him about your whereabouts.

“She had Eren,” Moblit tells him calmly, wincing slightly as a nurse rubs alcohol into the cut along his arm, “I thought she’d take him here—maybe in one of the smaller rooms across the hall?”

Levi nods, grateful, and moves so that Hange can squish Moblit with her affections, heading towards the hallway. He sees just a sliver of light coming from a room two doors down, and he doesn’t hesitate to search for you there.

He all but bursts through the door, relieved to find you tying and cutting a bandage around Eren’s forehead. Levi wants to scold you for taking care of someone else wounds before attending to your own, but he doesn’t have time for that right now.

You stand up straight after you’re finished wrapping Eren’s larger cuts, with barely enough time to register that Levi’s entered the room before he has one hand around your waist, and the other cradling the back of your head.

Levi can feel that he’s knocked the wind out of you, but that doesn’t stop you from slowly wrapping your arms around him to complete the hug. He tucks his head into the juncture of your neck, ignoring the faint scrapes along your skin.

“You’re back,” he hums, holding you a little tighter against him.

Levi feels your laughter reverberate through his own body, as you mirror his hold on you; your right hand coming up to cradle the back of his head, your fingers loosely coiling into his hair.

“Of course I am,” you hum, reveling in Levi’s shallow breaths that tickle your neck, “I’ll always come back to you, Levi.”

[crimson-roots]

so! first things first -- mim is the pngtuber model/brain guy of @l0stmyfr0g! i'm definitely biased, but i'd absolutely recommend giving them a watch if you ever get the chance - his streams are super calming and they're always a lovely vibe c:

before i start going off the deep end, i will say that all of this is the result of my brain going absolutely bonkers. take this all as headcanons! as much as i love theorizing for c!mim, i definitely don't want to overwrite the incredible lore that the creator has done already c:

cw: fungus, corruption, death

SO. OOOHHH BOY. okay. c!mim.. i am so so irregular about him. he is the most crinklable guy ever. absolute tinfoil of a dude. could get scrunched soo hard for real.

i don't want to spoil some of the stuff that mim's working on, so i'll go with the most basic version of mim's story! (i'll mention before i start that mim, both the character and the creator, go by any pronouns, so i'll be referring to him as he/she/they!)

all story excerpts are mine :]

the basic gist:

c!mim, long ago, created a machine that bought them back from death. it twisted them irrevocably into something more animal than human; more, mim has found himself immortal, unable to die by any means.

in the accident that caused mim's death and rebirth, a fire started, leveling the town to ash. and... look, fire's not unusual, but there's something... off. something acrid, twisted and unclean, as if the fire had burned hot enough to scorch a hole between worlds, and.

the fire leaves nothing. ash and dust and acrid blue smoke, thick enough that the fire has to splutter to survive. it doesn't spread far -- suffocated by its own smoke, it barely reaches the edge of the town. the treeline remains intact; the bark grows back off-colour, sure, but when he wakes it is dark and winter, and in that light it is barely noticeable. they do not stick around long enough to see differently. it's stupidly poetic. he had not cared for its people, but there is record of neither town nor fire, and nobody left living thinks it anything but a forest. there are no graves for the dead. no crumbling buildings or mosaic stone pathing; just a forest, stained with ash, and a treeline slightly wrong. her town (her life) has become only kindling, and she -- its executioner -- is the only one who can repair it. reparation feels like redemption. it is an honour he doesn't deserve. ..he doesn't. can't bring himself to, maybe, or just doesn't care.

and mim doesn't remember the fire (or, at the least, the memories are not something she thinks of) -- but the invention... it's gone. not destroyed in the fire - couldn't have been, since mim is still here. it's bought them back, and it's gone, and something has shifted in the universe. pulled back the curtain of reality ever-so-slightly, indigo blue and twinkling like a crude, mocking galaxy.

...mim hears of skulk, of course. shit, they don't know how long they were dead, but by the time they are bought back, warped and distorted, you cannot go into town without hearing of skulk. and he doesn't experience it, not directly, but there are... stories. stories of creeping roots of dark and filth, and it's not.. it's not his invention. can't be. but there are enough similarities that-.

...well. it's not something he likes to dwell on.

[find my story of mim's exploration into the deep dark here!]

that was all pretty much canon, but i couldn't help but think. well . what would it look like, to be possessed by skulk? and i think. if c!mim was possessed by skulk - it's creator, accidentally or otherwise - it would be a symbiotic relationship, rather than parasitic.

it takes awhile to notice. but c!mim watches something die, holds someone in their arms as they drift into the afterlife, and as he places them down he notices skulk spread from beneath them. notices soft dust on her arms that looks like tiny stars it is not corrupting her. no, it needs her too badly for that. instead, it. waits. follows behind in their footsteps. takes over the shallow imprints of dirt. most of the time it dies immediately. is corroded by light and daytime, but sometimes-- sometimes, it finds something to latch on to. sometimes, mim kills a mob and skulk spreads like tendrils from its decaying corpse, even with no skulk nearby. even with daylight, bright and burning, cutting into the dark, flesh-like roots. and sure, it withers fairly quickly, but it survives beneath the dirt. digs down into stone and darkness and caves. (and eventually - eventually - it carves itself a home.)

that's all i've got right now, but. man. man. corruption is my favourite thing to play with .

+ tiny story i wrote about mim trying to use the machine on their childhood friend, emyr <3

He stumbles over her feet into the candlelit room, vision blurring with unbridled desperation, Emyr's body, so cold he cannot bear it, tumbling from their arms to the floor. Their shoulders are square, hunched with tense despondency, and she faces her invention, sharp and shadow-cut with the cold midnight evening. "Save him!" she shouts, her wavering voice on the edge of breaking, so unbearably loud it echoes through her lab. "You-- I- I made you, so you'll save him! That's what you're here for!" The invention does not answer. Cannot; sits in the darkest corner of the room and pulses. She crouches to the slate floor, nudges his body to the mechanical mouth of the machine, and stares through their eyelashes to its gaping silver mouth.

Slowly - too slowly, so slowly he cannot bear it - webs of mycelium creep towards the body, twisting and weaving over itself to form a breathing lilac blanket. They push themselves backward, watching it with wide eyes; prays for it to work in fierce, desolate murmurs. He can only watch as it eats into Emyr's skin; overtakes his bruising body with aching determination, up the hollow of his chin and over his eyes. and then it stops. and it does not move further. "No," he gasps desperately, "no, nonono- you have to work." The invention does not reply. Sinks into Emyr where the fungus had overtaken him, its unnatural purple hue tauntingly still, and there is no breath to follow as the corpse simply lays there, body overcome with mycelium rot.

...he lives in my brain .i am so mentally ill about him

:O tell me about mim

ffFUCK I JUST WROTE A MASSIVE THING AND IT WENT AND DELETED ITSELF FJKSGFDS

answer is coming, i promise!!

until then, you can find my art of mim here, and my writing here!

[blockgamepirate]

So we were talking on Discord about a DSMP superpowers AU, specifically Syndicate as an anarchist superhero team who are perceived as villains by pretty much everybody. (There were a bunch of people involved in the brainstorming but I wanna particularly credit @macachee for the idea for Techno’s superpowers, even though I ended up using a slightly different version than theirs.)

Anyway I know I don't really write fanfic anymore and I'm extremely rusty but uh... my hand slipped?

(CW: nothing major but there are repeated mentions of fire and some pretty tame violence)

×××

"Professor Underscore, I presume?"

The distinctive deep voice of an infamous supervillain was really not something anyone wanted to hear after 14 hours of last minute bug-fixing on a prototype superweapon in a secret laboratory. Especially when all your assistants had already called it a day and gone home.

Without even looking around, Tubbo reached for the gun in his desk drawer but before he could pull it out, a blade smashed into the wood right next to his hand.

"Nope", said the voice, "you don't get to have weapons, I get to have weapons. And speaking of weapons..."

Tubbo carefully turned around on his chair to face his attacker. As expected, it was a huge, hulking pigman dressed in flashy red and a golden mask.

"You are Protesilaus, aren't you? From the Syndicate?"

Protesilaus blinked at him. "You're a LOT younger than I expected, professor."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

"I mean it's very impressive though, good for you."

"Thanks."

"So anyway, I'm here for the weapons."

"The weapons are kinda reserved already. You know, for the military."

"Don't give a shit", said a voice from the door. "Gib."

Protesilaus sighed. "Zephyrus, you're supposed to be the secret back-up."

The man hiding by the door frame laughed. "We already took care of the guards. There's nobody here but him, it's fiiine."

"But what if HE has his own secret back-up? What then? Well, it's too late now so just keep a look-out, alright?"

Zephyrus laughed again. "Sure."

"Alright." Protesilaus pointed his sword at Tubbo. "Show us to the weapons."

×××

There wasn't much he could think of doing to stall except try and tap in the pin codes on the doors as slowly as humanly possible. To be fair he didn't even really know what he was stalling for exactly. Secret back-up would have been nice but if they’d really taken out all the guards then none was likely to come.

Protesilaus was following him, sword in hand, making random small talk on the way as if he didn't know how to deal with the silence. Tubbo had only caught a few glimpses of Zephyrus, the winged man, in the background or in reflections. He seemed to be tampering with the security systems on the way, meaning that Tubbo really might be completely alone on this if the sabotage was successful. Zephyrus was also pulling along a big wheeled container of some sort that was probably intended for the weapons.

The two of them were the known members of the Syndicate, a team of anarchist terrorists who gave nightmares to the local police forces, the national guard and occasionally the military, but it was also widely theorized to have a secret third member with fire powers. Nobody had ever managed to catch them in the act, the only evidence of the secret member's existence was the trail of smoking ruins following the pair, their targets always burned down in a blaze of extremely memorable pink flames.

Tubbo had a theory that there were actually two secret members in the Syndicate, because if you're going to have one secret member you might as well have two, right? Maybe even three! It just made sense.

His assistants hadn't seemed convinced by this logic.

They arrived at the large hall leading up to the main vault where the prototypes were hidden and Tubbo finally had a plan. Somebody (probably him, honestly) had left the remote control of his battle bots lying around on a sidetable. He took advantage of his captors checking the space for surprise guards and inched slowly towards the remote.

"Everything good up there?" Protesilaus called out to Zephyrus who had flown up to the rafters.

"All good."

"Alright, seems safe enough", said Protesilaus. "Now, open the vault."

Tubbo just needed to stall a little bit longer until he could grab the remote undetected. "Actually, maybe I just won't be able to live with the fact that I let you guys get your hands on superweapons? What if I'd rather die than let you have them?"

Protesilaus sighed. "Look, don't worry, it's for a good cause, I promise."

"I mean, you guys are supervillains."

"Oh yeah sure, you're literally making weapons for an imperialist government but we're the villains?"

"What about that orphanage you burned down?" Tubbo kept moving towards the sidetable, trying to make it look like he was just pacing nervously.

"I have NEVER burned down any orphanages, I do NOT have an irrational hatred of small children, in fact I LOVE orphans in particular, you can ask anyone."

"You did, though! That was like two years ago, back when you were part of the Sleepy Bois Inc!"

Tubbo actually knew quite a lot about the Sleepy Bois, the infamous villain team who were particularly known for conning people into taking part in some sort of strange experiments, like that time they somehow transported a hundred people to the moon and told them to terraform a random area. The group had broken up a while back and two of the four had since reformed. Well, more or less reformed anyway. Actually not really reformed, but they were at least sticking to smaller crimes these days.

Anyway Mr. Business was now one of Tubbo's best friends, although nobody was supposed to know that. And Dirty Crime Boy seemed like a surprisingly nice guy. He was out there running what seemed to be some kind of a drug van but Tubbo had chosen not to worry about it too much.

The other two members, however...

"Sleepy Boys? Doesn't ring a bell." Protesilaus' face was suspiciously blank.

"You know, back when you called yourself the Blood God."

"Nah nah nah, I'm Protesilaus, not the Blood God."

"Come on, you're OBVIOUSLY the Blood God."

"I've never even heard of that guy."

"You're LITERALLY a pigman with superhealing powers and a shiny magical sword, you wear a crown AND you're hanging out with a blond guy with wings who looks just like the Angel of Death."

"Wow, wild coincidence", said Protesilaus

“Not gonna lie, the Angel of Death is a really cool name“, said Zephyrus.

Tubbo ignored them. "And you sound exactly like the Blood God."

"I don't hear it", said Protesilaus.

"You said you don't even know who he is!"

"Exactly."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'EXACTLY'??? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!"

"Well I can't hear it if I've never even heard him speak. That's just logic."

Up in the rafters Zephyrus was cackling like a madman.

"You annoy me so much", said Tubbo.

"Aaaanyways, just give us a little peek into the vault, alright? Just out of curiosity, you know."

Tubbo had made it to the remote, he just needed one more distraction to cover for him grabbing it. "Uh..." Then he had an idea: he just took a quick sudden glance at the exit, as if he'd seen something over there and sure enough both of the criminals immediately turned to check. It was just long enough. He got the remote. "Okay fine, you can see the vault."

"Nice, nice." Protesilaus was still glancing around suspiciously but he had no idea what he should have been suspicious of.

Tubbo was more than happy to open the vault now. It might be holding the prototypes but it was also filled with a small army of robots.

All of which came to life with the press of a button.

"Ah", said Protesilaus. "There's his secret back-up."

"Oh Jesus", said Zephyrus. "I think we fucked up."

"You could say that", said Tubbo. "If you just leave peacefully I might let you go", he added in a sudden fit of uncharacteristic levels of confidence.

Protesilaus raised his sword. "Well you see, I really want those weapons, though."

"I guess you'll just have to fight the robots for it then", said Tubbo, configuring the targetting system.

"Mate, they've got guns on them", Zephyrus called out from above.

"Take cover then", said Protesilaus, very much not taking any cover at all himself.

Tubbo, pretty sure the bots knew which people to fight, released them on the criminals.

Protesilaus immediately managed to dodge the first few lazer bolts from the bots, but the third hit him on the arm. He flinched a bit but didn't seem too bothered. "Ouch. Okay so they can actually aim."

Still dancing around the shots, he held his hand to the wound and once he took it off, only the singed hole on his sleeve remained. The Blood God had been known for some kind of healing powers and coincidentally Protesilaus of the Syndicate, who apparently definitely wasn't the Blood God, just happened to also have healing powers. This fight was going to be hard even for thirty robots.

The pigman finally took some cover, hiding behind a pillar. The robots would have to move closer and Tubbo could already tell that if he'd manage to single them out, Protesilaus would easily take them down one by one.

Even worse, Zephyrus had hidden behind a different pillar up near the ceiling and was sniping the bots from above. They were supposed to be bulletproof but the man was absolutely cracked and managed to keep hitting them in the joints and in the eyes.

But at least the bots had given Tubbo some room to work with. He bolted into the vault and headed straight for a very specific section.

"So I just wanna know, professor", Protesilaus called out from the hall, "how are you NOT the evil mastermind here? You have a LITERAL horde of robots in your control that you can just let loose on people!"

"What do you MEAN? They're for fighting people like you! In this exact kind of situation!" Tubbo found what he was looking for and quickly unbuckled the huge harnesses holding it in place. He had to get a stool to reach the highest ones and nearly tripped on it in his hurry.

"Oh and how many of these have you sold to the government? And what if they just decide that they'd be very convenient for taking care of dissenters?"

"Well if the dissenters are literal supervillains, that sounds great." He climbed the ladder on the wall up to the platform by the mech suit and jumped inside.

He couldn't hear what Protesilaus responded after he pulled down the dome of the suit over his body. The sounds of fighting and the bulletproof glass drowned it all out from this distance, and the sound system wasn’t turned on yet. Now the odds should be a lot more even, though. Let’s see how they deal with this, he thought. He settled in and launched the mech--

... and then maneuvered awkwardly through the mess of secret weapons and machines inside his vault. He was pretty sure he didn't break too many things on the way, it was fine. In the corner of his eye he thought he saw a flash of pink and for a second he worried that the pigman had followed him into the vault where it would be almost impossible for him to fight in the suit but luckily he could still hear the sound of sword clanging into metal from outside.

He moved over to the vault door as sneakily as he could while piloting a 12-foot-tall machine in a tight space and looked out into the hall. The floor was littered with broken robots, and there were several blinded ones aimlessly wandering around and getting in the way of the ones that still functioned properly. Protesilaus was towards the back of the hall, stabbing a bot in the armpit and tearing off its arm, Zephyrus on the other hand, still perching on the rafters, had moved around the pillar he had hidden behind, now aiming away from the vault. Neither of them were looking at Tubbo. He took aim and shot at one of the huge grey wings.

"Ah! Fuck!" Zephyrus spun around. "You little shit!"

"Zephyrus, are you okay??" Protesilaus immediately looked over to his ally and took another hit himself.

"I'm FINE, dude!" Zephyrus sounded exasperated but fond. "Look out yourself! Also the kid has a fucking mech."

"A what?"

Tubbo slammed the vault door shut. Good luck getting in there now, Syndicate. Then he tossed aside some robot carcasses to clear out the floor and threw one at Protesilaus who dodged it easily but in the process took another hit from a different robot. He was starting to look tired and he was obviously distracted by Zephyrus getting hurt. That was promising.

Tubbo started climbing the pillar up to the ceiling. Zephyrus cursed again and tried to hop around the pillar to run across to the other side but his hurt wing didn't open properly so he lost his balance, slipped up and fell. "Shit!"

"ZEPHYRUS!"

The man managed to open his wings and soften the fall but the injury made him veer dangerously to the left and crash into a pile of broken robots. Protesilaus leaped over to him, dropping his sword and laying his hands on his friend's wing and back. A faint red glow emitted from the touch points.

Tubbo jumped back down to the ground and stormed at them. He punched the pigman right in the chin, sending him flying across the room. He then tried to grab Zephyrus but the man had already slipped away and had apparently managed to pick up his friend's sword. "You motherfucker", the man said, "I'm going to take that fucking suit apart and then it's your turn."

"Zeph!" Protesilaus called from the side and Zephyrus tossed the sword to him without taking his eyes of off Tubbo. Then the man pulled up his sniper rifle again and Tubbo quickly covered his weak points with his armoured arms and jumped behind a pillar. He needed to disarm Zephyrus ASAP.

Behind them, Protesilaus was taking care of the last few robots. Tubbo didn't have much time, but he couldn't do anything until Zephyrus would have to reload, the guy was just too accurate...

"Oh fuck", said Zephyrus suddenly. "Prot, the door!"

They all turned to look at the exit.

There, at the door, was Ranboo, widened eyes flicking between Tubbo, the broken robots and the Syndicade. He was holding a bowl of biscuits and a cup of tea. "Uh... hello? Hi?"

Ranboo was actually NOT allowed in the vaults but how do you stop someone who can literally teleport anyway? Tubbo was glad to see him sneaking in, though.

"Ranboo! Help! They're trying to steal the weapons!"

"I..." Ranboo seemed frozen in place.

"Ranboo!" Tubbo was starting to get worried. His husband wasn't even taking any shelter. He drove the mech over to him to at least give him some protection.

"I just came to bring you cookies? Coz I thought maybe you were staying late to make the deadline and I thought--"

"Ranboo, I'm being attacked by supervillains right now!"

"Look, what if we just talked this through? I'm sure everybody here would rather not kill each other, right?" Ranboo was tall enough to lay a hand on Tubbo's shoulder even when he was wearing the mech suit which kind of pissed Tubbo off to be quite honest.

"Sure", said Protesilaus, "I love negotiating. Give us the weapons and their blueprints and we're more than happy to go."

"See? That's good, right? Tubbo, we can just let them have the weapons."

"Ranboo, sometimes you're a bit too quirky for my liking. Stop being quirky, help me fight them. You can use your... T-E-L-I-P-O-R-T-A-T-I-O-N powers."

Everybody just stared at him for a second.

"Shouldn't it be T-E-L-E?" said Protesilaus.

"Tubbo, you realise they can spell words too, you know, like most people who graduated elementary school?" said Ranboo.

"I'M SORRY! I'M TIRED, OKAY?"

“You could have just said ‘use your powers’, I mean, I know what my powers are.”

“IT'S BEEN A REALLY LONG DAY!“

"Zephyrus, I think this guy might be too much for us, I've never met such intimidating intellect", said Protesilaus. Zephyrus seemed to already be dying of laughter and his ally's words did not help.

"Now that's just rude," said Tubbo.

He'd barely finished his sentence when a horrible whistling sound hit them all like an invisible cargo train. After a second Tubbo managed to reassemble his braincells long enough to figure it out: "The fire alarm!"

Then he noticed the grin on his enemy's face. "Well, good job, everyone! Let's go home, Zephyrus", said Protesilaus cheerfully.

"Sure, mate."

The secret third member of the Syndicate, Tubbo suddenly remembered. The container they'd brought with them was gone too. Well, fuck. "This whole thing was a diversion??"

"Yep." The Protesilaus was already at the exit and Zephyrus was following right behind him. "See ya, losers!"

Something inside the vault exploded, making a muffled bang through the door, as if just to prove where exactly the fire had been lit.

"Oh man..." Tubbo flopped down on his seat. "I spent SO LONG building all those things!"

"Tubbo, we need to get out." Ranboo took him by the hand of his mech suit and pulled him along.

"No, we could still go in and save the--"

"No, Tubbo. Let's NOT run into the vault full of dangerous chemicals that's literally on fire, actually."

×××

By the time the fire department showed up, pink flames had enveloped the entire lab complex. The terrorists presumably had at least one of the prototypes now and all the remaining ones were a lost cause.

It's not like all the work was gone to waste, they'd made some backups at least, but it would be a pain to find a new lab and order all the extremely volatile chemicals again. So much paperwork. Tubbo was really not good at paperwork.

"Well, there goes my summer holidays I guess", he said.

"Yeah", said Ranboo. "There they go."

×××

"So... Lethe", said Techno at the next Syndicate meeting, "you never happened to mention you were friends with Professor Underscore."

Ranboo shifted nervously in his chair. "I mean... in my defence, you never said you were going to raid his lab?"

"True, true. It didn't seem like relevant information at the time I suppose. You know, because you're kinda more in the group just for the book club and Bake Off Fridays and not so much for the vigilante thing."

"How do you know Professor Underscore, Lethe?" asked Niki gently.

Ranboo looked around the table. He was fairly certain that the others wouldn't kill him for fraternizing with the enemy. He was pretty sure anyway. At least 70% sure.

Also they were all staring at him now.

"Uh... he's my... husband?"

The staring continued.

"Oh!" said Niki.

"Well", said Techno. "This is awkward."

"Uh huh?" Ranboo responded, his entire body tense and slightly wobbly.

"Techno", Phil said softly. Techno brushed him off.

"So uh, are you attached to him, Lethe?"

"Y-yes?" Ranboo straightened his back. "Yes." he said again, more firmly.

"Alright. I guess in the future we should try not to kill him then."

[aerltarg]

Maybe this is a stupid question, buuuuut:

I just can't imagine a world that Rhaegar comes back from the Trident, wins the war and becomes king. No, I'm not a anti Rhaegar, matter of fact I like him very much, I'm just can imagine how would Lya, little Jon, this whole affair, would settle in the capital. The norm that fics (at least those I read) tend to follow is to make Rhaegar:

1. A douche, paranoid and destiny-obessed king.

2. Completely incompetent, aloof monarch, that deep down has a heart of gold, but can't really be understood.

I mean, isn't he supposed to be a scholar since he was a kid? What's are your thoughts about it?

oh, yeah, i can totally understand this! it's is the whole point in canon actually, "the wrong man came back from the trident". you would expect a hero win against his antagonist and have a happy ending w his lady love but it doesn't happen. instead the subversion happens to them with rhaegar being killed by robert who becomes obviously a shitty king and lyanna dying after him. they were never supposed to have happy ending, they were created as tragic and doomed and dead from the beginning for the whole plot to start, jon to have his parentage mystery and dany to take the passed baton as the last dragon, prophesied savoir and the heir who has to carry entire house on her back now.

as for the realistic rhaegar wins aus that's the difficult question. tbh we just don't know enough abt their situation, plans and wishes. you see, e.g. in agot we can be right in ned's head and see his motivations, what he was thinking abt, what he was planning, what he was hoping to do. but if his story was told the way rhaegar's was i bet he would have his own crowd of haters and ~intellectuals~ jumping out every two seconds w their "hot takes" how actually all hints abt what rlly happened (ned being a good man w his own sense of honour, justice and experiences affecting him and the deal w cersei's children) doesn't matter and he was an ambitious prick, planned to grasp the power by being joffrey's regent and make his daughter sansa queen. (you can actually insert there any bullshit and still don't reach the level of stupidity of such "hot takes" this fandom loves so much lmao). also he would be blamed to the hell and beyond for being too stupid and not foreseeing the future and actions of other ppl bc ofc after everything happened it's so easy to say what was so obvious to notice. also they would say that the deaths of his men and horrible fates of his kids are 100% his fault and even straight up say he killed them lmao. i can rant abt it for hours so yeah. this is a situation w too many unknown variables bc it depends too much on actions of too many characters we don't know enough abt. the only thing it's possible to tell for sure is the fact that there couldn't be any perfect solutions since things got too complicated at this point.

such fics as you've mentioned tho are just a part of this dumb fanon where rhaegar is "too prophecy obsessed"/"incapable of love"/shrodinger's rhaegar both smart and stupid at the same time/whatever/all of this combined lmfao. the man was notably intelligent from the early age as you've absolutely rightly mentioned, his guesses abt himself being tptwp have nothing to do w egocentrism as some parts of the fandom would want us all to believe unless he wouldn't be so reasonable abt it and later on, after so many years, wouldn't have changed his mind and thought his son could be tptwp.

and literally fuck all antis that think you shouldn't consider prophecies that hold real power in this fantasy world lol. you know, aegon the conqueror was said to be motivated (or at least partly) to unify westeros by the prophecy and still got the treatment of perfect/maximum close to perfect figure of a leader everyone should look up to from the narrative and grrm. prophecy obsessed much, huh? i don't even talk abt all these parallels between him and rhaegar grrm put there not for bitches to ignore them completely! and i will never get tired of reminding that dismissing prophecies is UNWISE for targaryens of all people. the house whose story is built on the dream of young daenys and her father aenar that listened to her despite common sense (or what local "anti magic"/"anti prophecies" clowns consider to be common sense). targs would be as dead as the rest of dragonlords if not for daenys the dreamer. who else in the world has as many reasons to take prophecies seriously as them?

yet antis out there act as if rhaegar is one dimensional weirdo whose every character trait is abt mf ~prophecy obsession~. like how can they miss one of the main points so badly?? the game of thrones distracts ppl from the real danger beyond the wall, yk, the one rhaegar was aware of and meant to deal with. there wouldn't be such a problem if he became king and had as many years of head start before ice zombies apocalypse as ignorant bobby b did. rhaegar had to die just for westeros to sink in shit and our main heroes to save everyone to make this story more epic LMAO

so yeah, too many ppl portray rhaegar as this one dimensional robotic creature without any knowledge of what feelings are idk even for what reason. it seems these ppl can't read for real bc rhaegar was not only intelligent af as well as dutiful ("it seems i must be a warrior" but "he loved his harp more than his lance") but also. ugh emotional?? my boy had constant emo sessions w brooding at ruins of summerhall, sleeping out there beneath the stars all alone and writing songs that made all women cry. does it sound as someone who "isn't capable of love" lol? folks act as if he was completely heartless from the day he was born (bc he didnt play w other kids ig??) but in reality their emotional range is less than the one of a spoon in comparison to rhaegar's lol. i'm not even gonna address the horrible attitude of demonizing him for his implied depression, vile clowns never listen to themselves when they talk abt targaryens and their "madness".

tldr; these fics are mostly lame af and suck at characterization if they're making rhaegar like that lol. anyway his character isn't abt being a good or a bad king, it's abt being a would-be-king for characters in books and readers in reality to sigh over his tragic aura and pretty aesthetic abt how it could've been. however, grrm clearly doesn't write rhaegar as evil or incapable as some parts of the fandom would want to try to persuade others. realistically speaking in the scenario where he wins there couldn't be any perfect decisions but it's a territory of speculations on thin air and lit nothing more since canon doesn't provide us with enough information to rlly theorize anything instead of building biased headcanons some ppl call "analysis".

but remember what barristan said about rhaegar while practically watching him all his life, from a literal baby to the man grown:

“I know little of Rhaegar. Only the tales Viserys told, and he was a little boy when our brother died. What was he truly like?”

The old man considered a moment. “Able. That above all. Determined, deliberate, dutiful, single-minded.” (ASOS, Daenerys I)

“Prince Rhaegar’s prowess was unquestioned, but he seldom entered the lists. He never loved the song of swords the way that Robert did, or Jaime Lannister. It was something he had to do, a task the world had set him. He did it well, for he did everything well. That was his nature. But he took no joy in it. Men said that he loved his harp much better than his lance.” (ASOS, Daenerys IV)

[everything-laito]

if I don’t have tendinitis by the end of writing this series, I am officially immortal. anyways here’s the long awaited Laito and Cordelia analysis: Part I

Hi, Corn here! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to write this for forever now; idk how long this series will be but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m gonna wing it.

Lemme get something REAL clear before I begin. Because for some fucking reason I still see people trying to say that Cordelia did not molest/rape/etc Laito. Cuz she did. It’s called grooming and manipulation, sweetie. And I’ll explain that too. 

Also, I’m not defending or justifying Cordelia’s actions (there’s a difference between explaining why something happens and defending it. For example, we know racism is harmful and awful, but explaining what it is and why it happens isn’t defending it). I also don’t defend Laito’s nonconsensual or abusive actions either on here, I also wanna clarify that. I just merely explain his theorized rationale and psyche.

God I don’t even know where to start, or where this is exactly going to end, but my god, time to pop off. I’m going to divide this into sections as well. 

Also I think this is usually a given with all the Laito stuff I put on here, but, spoilers ahead! And trigger warnings galore! Pedophilia/rape/abuse/grooming/depression/anxiety are the ones I can think of now, but all of those are really a given on this blog. Just wanna emphasize it because I’m gonna go deep into em. 

As always,,,,, rant under the cut~!

Section 1: Before the Storm (insert Life is Strange joke here)

There’s quite a bit of back and forth about where Cordelia started doing this. I just finished Dark Fate and the conversation between the triplets caught my eye. Laito mentions in his Dark Fate Ecstacy Epilogue that implies Cordelia wasn’t abusive at first. It’s revealed how Karlheinz used Cordelia just for his Adam and Eve experiment to create a new human race, which is why he blatantly ignores her after courting her and making her have kids that she didn’t even wanna have. Which is. Yikes. I’d say that’s a form of coercive pregnancy abuse.

The conversation turns to Laito who then says that Cordelia lost her mind due to of sexual frustration and then hurt the triplets. Sexual frustration is a real and common thing, but I’m gonna explain the potential logistics of this being turned into abuse. 

Sexual frustration in general can be described as a sense of “dissatisfaction stemming from a discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved sexual activity” (source). I know it’s from Wikipedia but the phrasing of that definition is just too perfect. (also Wikipedia’s good just to get the basics from ;) ) Sexual frustration can happen from physical, mental, emotional, social, religious, or spiritual barriers. Everyone has some kind of ideal sexual activity, whether it be innate and or learned (like getting used to sexual acts over time, whether that be from a traumatic or consensual experience). However, I can safely say that Cordelia has high libido, regardless of the reason. 

Oxytocin, my absolute favorite hormone to talk about, is huge in this case. Touch starvation (what I’d say most of us are going through now because of quarantine) also depends on oxytocin level. We’re social creatures, and we need touch in some way. Having sexual needs is also not a thing to be shameful of (if you do have them), since that is also very human and very biological. Oxytocin is needed for so many things! From social bonding, sexual bonding, reproduction in general, and general emotional wellbeing. Everyone has different levels of oxytocin needs. With a lack of oxytocin, whether it causes sexual frustration or touch starvation (or both), it can create fear, anxiety, and or depression. This has to do with my favorite part of the brain, the amygdala. It’s this lil almond shaped part (hence, amygdala, which is Latin for “almond”) is responsible for empathy, your fight and flight response, as well as SO many other things. I’ll talk more about the amygdala later, because I’m getting off track. 

Back to the logistics of oxytocin deficiency and abuse. Basically, I didn’t initially think that touch starvation or sexual frustration could get so bad that someone would resort to abuse. Haven’t found anything that supports that either. However, since it is linked to depression and stress, I do believe Cordelia would have other underlying psychological issues that made her response to depression and stress just so much worse. It’s kind of obvious that Karlheinz absurd her, and when someone goes through a traumatic episode, there’s different coping mechanisms or different emotions are triggered. Maybe even before Karlheinz she had issues, but we will never know. I just know that Cordelia seems susceptible to some kind of manic episodes, such as mood swings and intense behaviors. 

Dark Fate confirms that Karlheinz most likely used this, and used Cordelia due to her Founder blood and that her psyche was “optimal” to eventually have the triplets kill her. Karl can see the future and past etc, I believe that was confirmed in Lost Eden too. Anyways, all of this paves the way to what Cordelia did to the triplets.

Section 2: The Beginning

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth between when did Cordelia start sexually abusing Laito? We know that Kanato and Ayato were abused when they were young, but there’s no flashbacks in Laito’s routes that depicts him being a child (to my knowledge). Not saying Laito wasn’t abused when he was a child, but I can assure you that the first time Cordelia had explicit sex with Laito was when he was older. 

Special thanks to @vampiretsuki​ and @amiecris​ for helping me think this through on Zara’s server! 

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance. 

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh! What about Ayato and Laito’s Versus II CD?! Didn’t it mention that Laito wasn’t in the triplet’s shared bed 9/10 times?!” And yeah, if you remembered that, kudos to you! Yes, you’re totally right. I thought this was some inconsistent writing, but I don’t believe so. I believe Cordelia was grooming Laito as a kid. For some reason, grooming never came to my mind, it was Tsuki who mentioned grooming, and Cris also backed that notion up. It’s not confirmed if Cordelia planned to do this to Laito in the beginning (which I doubt, I think she sexually exploited him on a whim due to sexual frustration and because Karl wouldn’t; and the suitors she had wasn’t “enough” for her) but I think it’s implied that it happened (from the earlier excerpt). As for grooming, here’s an excerpt from the VS II CD:

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times. Laito: So you knew, Ayato-kun. Ayato: … Laito: You know, I have been thinking how I came to be the person I am today. I am still wondering why wasn’t it Ayato-kun or Kanato-kun.

God that’s so SAAAD! This is why Laito being groomed from a young age would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he was so dismissive and hesitant to help Ayato out. In Ayato’s flashbacks, Laito is there, but doesn’t interfere when Cordelia gets into the picture. Laito tends to run away from his problems, and this manifests even when he’s a kid. To further the support of the claim, it’s definitely not farfetched that Cordelia would do something to a child, especially her own child. She used Kanato for his singing voice when she was having sex..... yikes. That’s another form of sexual exploitation. So uh, let’s dive right into see what grooming does,,,,, *opens another private window* Here’s the source I’ll be using too. 

Grooming is a process that is typically used to sexually exploit children. Ewewewewewewew. It can be a quick or gradual process. It’s basically harnessing the trust in children utilizing constant contact. There’s not much explicit evidence describing this with Cordelia, but if Laito wasn’t sexually exploited when he was younger in the fashion he was “used” to when he got older, again I do think he was groomed. It would make sense as to why he either avoided conflict with Cordelia as a child. Either that was his own disposition (which to a degree I think it is), or maybe he was confused about Cordelia’s actions towards his other brothers, since he “loved” Cordelia. Young Laito typically fell silent when Cordelia entered the room, which again could be because of his disposition, fear, or he knows not to say much in front of her. 

During the grooming process, a child can result in not being able to see coercion and deception. In general, kids 7 years old and under biologically are not able to differentiate persuasion from their own decisions, which results in the laws surrounding advertisements catering to children. Fun fact. I know we’re dealing with vampires and so their brains might not work like that, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty human. Also, we’re still not sure about their ages or how vampire biological ages work, but bear with me on this. 

Another stage of grooming involves cutting off the child’s support system, whether it be family, friends, etc. I made a comment in an analysis that Laito doesn’t have a support system, and at the very least, his brothers. But even that is pretty weak. You know how it’s mentioned how Laito wasn’t even in bed with Ayato and Kanato most of the time? That’s probably due to Cordelia weakening Laito’s bonds with them. Furthermore, on the website I’m using to get information from, it says this:

Control and alienation is exercised in the following ways:

[more bullet points here]

- creating conflicting feelings of love and hate, protection and exploitation, guilt and innocence, entitlements and duties.

OOOOOHHHHHH BBBBBOOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! Ayato and Kanato say that they fucking hate Cordelia. But... Laito’s the only one that says he “loves” her. He also says that he hates her. So, from this, I think it might be safe to say that Cordelia groomed Laito as a child, and continued to use those tactics when he was older.

Well, I’m gonna end it here for part one. That was quite the ride, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless! Next part, we’ll be getting into Laito when he’s older and the effects it had on him, along with some other crazy dark sides of psychology. I still won’t be answering many of my inbox questions until this huge analysis is finished, sorry! I kinda wanna focus on this first. But feel free to hit me up with any questions! I’ll still get to them :)

Any Cordelia/Laito questions will most likely be answered in this series, just a heads up. But if you have any questions pertaining to Cordelia/Laito right now or after the series, feel free to hit me up still! Any clarifying questions for this post or anything in general are always encouraged as well if you’re confused or want me to elaborate on something :)

Part two is planned to be up next week! See ya then ;) -Corn

[booasaur]

Nevertheless anon here. :) Seems like you were right. Someone said they read the script of the show and JW does like Sol but apparently she could be AWARE of it all along. She just hid it cos she thinks she isn’t good enough for Sol.

One of my previous theory is that JW knows her feelings and is actually distancing herself from Sol by dating around so it wouldn’t hurt as much when someone comes along eventually cos JW had this knowing and regretful expression on her face like “I have seen this coming and I have been preparing for it but this shit still f stings!!” when their mutual friend said she didn’t know about the guy cos she was busy dating when Sol was playing the couple game. (1/2)

P/S: But do take this w a grain of salt cos I don’t know how reliable the source is. And i could’ve misunderstood it since the translation could also mean she realises her feelings for Sol later on. It’s fun to think she always knew tho - now I watch their scenes from a completely different angle and it’s interesting, like the fact that JW doesn’t feel confident about herself is something I would not guess (but makes sense w her deep admiration for the girl) w her being popular w guys and prob w people in general w a bubbly personality. (2/2)

Hi, Nevertheless anon! I was just trying to gif them before I got distracted. Today/tomorrow are PACKED with new media.

Oh, interesting... Definitely gonna take it with a grain of salt, though what they've said doesn't contradict what I think... But what you've THEORIZED, well. I can't say it was my headcanon at all that JW already knows her feelings, like, this may all be underneath at some level, but she mostly seems kind of oblivious about why Sol with a guy is twisting her up so much. For example, when she was on a date with the other guy in ep 3 and then saw Sol with the coffee dude, she was just like, kind of confused, you know? It was later that she did have that regretful, upset face.

But I may be imagining it more than actually seeing what's there, it's just always been the case that you have one quieter friend who pines over the other while the other effusive one is all about boys until finally something makes them realize their feelings. That's what it feels like here, but I admit, that may not be the case.

It would be pretty interesting, the more I think on it, if they've both just been silently pining after the other, afraid to make a move for entirely different reasons. Clearly JW does feel inferior to Sol in some way, her discussion with Na-bi said as much, where she chose art because of Sol and has basically always been chasing after her in a sense. I'm sure Sol would be shocked to realize that's the case, JW is definitely good at putting on a front...

Either way, I'm just interested in seeing them actually be canon (and endgame >_>).

[mercuryislove]

Don’t hate me but… I kinda want you to answer all of the deep dive WIP asks 🥺 if that’s unreasonable tho, just 2, 9, and 10 please!

I am SORRY for the delay!!! i answered every question for BOTH projects so you're in for like.... several thousand words of shit that makes absolutely no sense, but i hope you you enjoy it! :)

1. Who are two characters that don't like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

White Crane: okay this is hard because like. so many people do not like each other. (I know I made a post once about how terrible it would be to be one of twenty-eight people that have the power of dead gods but are trapped in stupid human bodies and you're all a thousand years old and hate each other so so so so so much because you all SUCK.) But for the sake of simplicity, I will talk about Ciaran and Sihla who never got along but only played nice to keep Anwei happy. They absolutely do NOT put aside their differences lmao once everything kind of, um, blows up between the three of them, all they want to do is KILL each other. She makes it her life's goal to make him suffer, and he basically loses his sanity in the process of trying to find a way to kill her for good. The beef is unbelievable. ANYWAY, what they reveal about each other is that Ciaran is not nearly as innocent in anything as he likes to pretend and Sihla is not as guilty as everyone says she is. I mean, she is still a terrible person in many ways, but that does not excuse the things he did to her all those years ago. She hates him for many, many good reasons.

Old Blood: Andhira HATES the entire Ekion family, but specifically the oldest son (who does not have an official name yet.... oops). He doesn't much care for her either but is usually too busy trying to better his social standing to worry too much about her. Except when they're in the same room together (which happens semi-regularly because her brother is kind of in love with him lmao). They hate each other for the exact same reason and it's that they're both SO arrogant. They look down on everyone around them (which in Andhira's case is like. fair. She's the firstborn of the two most powerful people on the planet, and the only person that comes close to that level of power is her twin brother who was born a mere fourteen minutes after her) but think the other is completely unjustified in their actions. Really all it reveals to a reader is that they both kind of suck and need to get over themselves because all that behavior does is make people resent you. They only put aside their differences because she does kind of need his help once or twice, but they would gladly spit in each other's face and/or push each other down a flight of stairs in the name of pettiness.

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2. What do you hope your readers will take away from your wip? Is there an intentional theme to the story?

These can be answered together! I started writing these stories because I wanted to have fun but they've both kind of morphed into a long-winded way of saying that like. it's okay to be messed up and hate yourself and have major internal struggles because there are people who still love you. I KNOW it doesn't sound like that from uhhhhhh literally everything I've ever said about this stuff but bear with me. The BIG theme is that love is EVERYTHING. All kinds of love. It's the reason to keep on going. You are never alone, even strangers can love you in their own way, etc etc etc etc. Also gay love fucking prevails always and forever.

--

3. What do you love most about your protagonist?

Yixing is funny and weird and definitely a horse girl and he kind of sucks sometimes because he's stubborn as hell and has terrible people skills and maybe also a drinking problem, but he is kind and empathetic and despite the absolute hell he's lived through, he still sees the good in people and knows that it's easy to make mistakes and that most people deserve second chances in life. Also I like him because he is without a doubt the ideal man and I made him that way on purpose. And god I wish we could drink together. I'm talking stumbling drunk, crying on the bathroom floor, please-hold-my-hair-i'm-about-to-throw-up kind of drinking. We would have a great time being stupid together I think.

Vera is resilient and mean and stubborn and cold and off-putting and hard to get to know, and she sucks for those reasons but it's also why I love her so much. She has also lived through hell and it didn't make her try to see the good in people like Yixing does. It just made her bitter and resentful. She warms up over time, but she fights tooth and nail against it. I also love her so much because she is the archetype of like. the washed up former prodigy that has to return sort of against her will to her old life, and she realizes that she misses it in some ways but also remembers exactly why she left. I would Not want to drink with her (because she doesn't drink anymore), but I would love to take one of her art classes.

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4. Is there anything in the story that is implied but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

White Crane: This is hard because I'm so invested in my own shit that it feels obvious to me, but I try to lay out a little candy trail that tells the reader that Ciaran and Anwei are Not What They Seem right from the start. It’s hard to explain without specific examples but it’s in the way they talk, they way they interact with other people, the way certain things they say don’t line up, etc etc etc. And there is a Big Hint of what will happen to Ciaran in the second and third installment, but idk if that counts. Also there are definitely implications that Yixing is trans but that's neither here nor there (honestly I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not he should be explicitly trans or if it should be left to reader interpretation because well... I don’t know if I'm capable of writing the nuance of transness because I'm not trans despite my complex and confusing relationship with gender but I'm also not a thirty-something year old Asian man NOR am I a god NOR am I a former vampire hunter NOR am I like. any of the things I write about other than a mean lesbian so. who knows?)

Old Blood: TRUE FANS already know this one, but regular degular readers that haven't participated in funny question friday or read my random late night posting would not immediately know that Josef and the Sovereign were once involved. Basically the only characters in the story that know are Josef, Luka, the Sovereign himself, and Tahire. But there are definitely some hints peppered throughout conversations and perhaps some photos and trinkets that Josef has kept after all this time... It has like no weight on the events of the story but I just think it's fun. Once again I am way too invested to know if it's easy to pick up on or not but I think it takes some theorizing about maybe? Other than that there aren’t any significant secrets.

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5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does the backstory affect the narrative?

White Crane: this is unfair because some of the characters are almost a thousand years old and some of them are like. 35. I DO have a full timeline written out of the thousand years of history that Ciaran and Anwei have lived through, if that counts as an answer. Like it doesn't have every single day and year, but it has all the big events for sure. Barring that, Yixing definitely has a pretty complex backstory. The man gets around lol and I try (and maybe fail?) to make him seem not too complex initially but then things get revealed and you learn more about him and are like “oh my god no wonder this man has Problems.” Also if he was like. “normal” and perhaps “well-adjusted” the story would not exist at all because he is the way he is and makes some of the stupid decisions he does because of his weird little life.

Old Blood: ONCE AGAIN, this is unfair because the Sovereign is like older than god. And Vera is 37. But like. I haven't fleshed him or any of the old ass vampires out nearly as much as Vera so there's your answer I guess? And I guess the important things are known from the start (that she was a prodigy, that she retired because terrible shit happened and she couldn't handle it, that she suffers from significant ptsd because of it, etc), but there is a lot of detail that doesn't come out until much later when she has to confront her Feelings (ewww feelings). Uh... the backstory affects the narrative because it wouldn't exist at all if Vera wasn't plagued by her fucked up blood nightmares lol

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6. Which two characters have the most complicated relationship? How does their relationship develop over time?

White Crane: Ciaran and Anwei totally. They love each other because they're brother and sister and were all the other had for a VERY long time (and even when they were still uh mortal, they relied on each other constantly), but also they hate each other because they're brother and sister. You know how it is with siblings. I love my brother and sister to pieces but I can't imagine being immortal and having to put up with the both of them for all eternity (sorry guys if you are reading this somehow.... I love you but we are all so annoying god bless). They handled their newfound godhood very, very, very differently and it kind of colors their relationship for the rest of time. There were times where they were extremely codependent and other times where they didn't speak to each other for DECADES. At the start of our story, they're on much better terms and have buried all their hatchets, but it doesn't take much for that to change....

Old Blood: Probably Vera and Andhira? They're only brought together because of their shared fucked up blood nightmares, and neither of them like that thought. They both resent the other for everything they are, and Vera is pretty much completely hostile to Andhira about it for a long time (and Andhira is only just barely cordial lol), but obviously a significant part of the plot revolves around them like. falling in love so they DO get over it after a while :)

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7. What is the most heart-wrenching scene in your wip? Why?

White Crane: When Yixing fucking DIES. I feel like this one should be self-explanatory. But I mean if you would like further explanation, it's unpleasant and slow and agonizing and nobody can do anything to stop it (haha....... unless?) so Ciaran gets to hold him for a long time and feel really bad about it lol

Old Blood: idk if there are any really heart-wrenching scenes but there are definitely some miserable and uncomfortable scenes like where Vera relives in vivid detail the days that she witnessed the gruesome deaths of her young apprentice and her last lover. They're upsetting because those are the two days that basically ruined her life (and one was the final straw that sent her spiraling completely out of control) and it's painful to watch her have to live with the guilt of what happened even if it wasn't her fault.

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8. What is a song that you associate with your wip? Explain.

White Crane: not to be basic but absolutely without a doubt in my stupid mind “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears lol it's because uh. well. Everybody wants to rule the world right? Basically way back in 2019 when I was crafting the ideas for the dnd campaign that became this thing instead, I was definitely having a metal gear moment (honestly I’m about to have a metal gear moment NOW lol) and was listening to a lot of like. mgs adjacent music and latched onto this song (and also promises, promises by naked eyes lmao) as some like thematic element. Like my brain making amvs. You know how it is. ANYWAY the point is. The concept was originally way different and was supposed to be more about the immediate aftermath of the so-called end of the world (yes Yixing was still there and yes he was still just some guy), and it focused a lot more on power struggles between all of these insane people that were granted godhood in the wake of the dying world. Which........ is something I'd like to write about at some point because it's intriguing in its own way but at the time I was unequipped to write about that when I really just wanted to write about people who are, for all intents and purposes, quite average getting caught up in the batshit drama of higher powers. (fun fact: Ciaran was supposed to be a tyrant king that ran a death cult and Anwei and Yixing were working together to figure out a way to kill him. Which is. Kind of what my dnd campaign is like now lol BASICALLY he's like if Big Boss was unkillable and could also rip souls out of people's bodies and eat them. I absolutely do not remember what this question originally was. Something about a song?)

Old Blood: THIS is the reason it took me so long to answer this whole thing. I thought long and hard and looked through all my playlists and listened to random songs that came to mind but it turns out the song I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time. DUH. It's “Golden Light” by Twin Shadow :) In my humble homo interpretation, I think it's a song about being afraid to fall in love and. Well. That's the whole point. Also #spoilers but the first time Vera sees Andhira and is like “oops I think I have feelings” is when they've just arrived at Andhira's home and the sun is rising and she looks over at her as they stand at the top of a hill and she has her eyes closed to the sun and she's bathed in golden light and OOUGGGGHGHHH poetic cinema. (honorable mention goes to “Groove is in the Heart” by Deee-lite because it’s quintessential early 90s music that Vera would be super into)

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9. What does your protagonist want most? What would they do to achieve this? What is something they wouldn't do to achieve this?

White Crane: Yixing wants to be happy for once. Like actually really happy instead of just. getting by. There's a scene where they're making wishes for the next seasons during the summer solstice and someone asks what he wants and he's like “uh I guess I want to still be alive at the end of the year?” and the other person is like “isn't that what everyone wants? Raise the fucking bar please. What do you REALLY want?” and he's stands there for a really long time and thinks about it before finally saying “I think I just want to be happy for once” and everyone else is like. wow. Way to kill the fucking mood dude. Anyway. He has had fleeting moments of happiness in his life but wants nothing more than to feel that way forever. It's kind of hard to say what he wouldn't do for that because like. there's not really much you CAN do in the first place, so I feel like there's even less you couldn't do. I guess he wouldn't like sell his soul to the devil or something lmao (though by being involved with Ciaran he's pretty much halfway there)

Old Blood: to be left alone. Vera just wants a normal life. She really truly does want to pretend that none of the horrible shit happened to her and that she was never a world-famous hunter. And she wants to teach art classes and live a quiet life!!! I mean, she is already mostly doing that exact thing when we first meet her, but obviously she has some hindrances (aka fucked up blood nightmares). She is begrudgingly helping Andhira because she assumes that will fix her problem and that she'll be able to get to that quiet living as soon as all is said and done. The only thing she really wouldn't do to get what she wants is like... live somewhere far away from Josef and Luka lol She likes having them close by more than she wants to be left alone.

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10. Within your story's world, were there any events that impacted every character (or most characters)? How would they be different if this event never happened? (Alternatively, erase an important even from on character's backstory and imagine where they'd be now.)

White Crane: well. If the stupid old gods didn't all kill themselves and almost end the world then I guess none of this story would exist lol But the actual answer is like. If Yixing had never run out on his girlfriend of ten years then he wouldn't have moved across the continent to Jengmi and wouldn't have made a name for himself way out there and wouldn't have been scouted and recruited and wouldn't have met Ciaran or Anwei and wouldn't have gotten in the middle of the batshit grudge between a bunch of ancient petty gay people and wouldn't have DIED and wouldn't have made one of the ancient petty gay people in particular lose his grip on his humanity via a lust for power in a desperate attempt to guarantee his safety and wouldn't have been the reason that tens of thousands of people die in his name and wouldn't have accidentally set off a chain of events that resulted in him having to hunt down and kill the Actual God that started it all in a fit of jealous rage. So like. maybe he should have just gone through with the wedding. All things considered, his life would have been way less stressful.

Old Blood: uhhh, that's tough because the stuff that happens only really has any effect on the mortal characters (I mean yeah people still try to kill the Sovereign but they're too dumb to know the ACTUAL way to kill him.... haha unless??), so it would be more like a what if Vera didn't witness the violent deaths of both her apprentice and her lover and have a full blown nervous breakdown and abandon her career? Well...... I think most things in the plot would transpire more or less the same, except she would be WAY less pissed off about it. In fact, she would probably be hyped as hell to get the chance to make the acquaintance of the Sovereign's family like Josef had before her. The thought of Vera being upbeat and not a sleep-deprived asshole that hates being dragged back to her old life..... ew. Not that I enjoy her suffering but you know what I mean. It just wouldn't be the same.

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11. What is something from your wip that you just really want to ramble about?

Are you sure you're ready for this. This is going to be so so so so long I'm sorry in advance. It's Saturday night and I'm alone and kind of sad so I'm just going to let loose.

As I hone down plot elements for next two installments in my little trilogy, I have kind of become obsessed with the passage of time and how different it must feel to someone that, well, lives forever. One of the ways I'd written (that has since been kind of changed) for Yixing to start to figure out what Ciaran really is was that he would casually be looking through his bookshelf and find an old photograph of Ciaran, Anwei, and their mom standing backstage together after one of his performances. And when he eventually asks Ciaran about it, he gets upset because how dare you touch the one thing I have left to remember my mother? To remember what my life used to be like? There are so many names and faces and places and foods and sensations that I've forgotten in the 940 years I've lived like this and I would give anything I have to see any of it just one more time because I didn't know that the last time I would ever speak to my mom we would have an argument on the phone about how I need to go to the temple and pray for good fortune on my birthday, or that the last time I would ever see my best friend would be at 6am when we both came into the studio to practice and he asked me to go out to breakfast and I said no because I thought a nap would be more important. And there are so many people that I've watched die whose names I never learned and whose faces I forgot the moment I turned away, and there are so many others that I loved so dearly that I had to leave behind because they grew old and I didn't. And I have lived lifetimes in solitude to keep myself a secret from other people and I have died more than any person should ever have to die and I have witnessed atrocities no one should ever witness and I hate everything about this life so much but I love everything about this life so much and I wouldn’t trade it for anything but I think I would give it all away in an instant if only to remember the scent of my mother's favorite perfume and I think I would give it all away in an instant if it meant I didn't have to watch you turn to dust in my arms.

ANYWAY. I think a lot about the agony of loving things that aren't permanent and how it really DOES drive you mad because lately I have been unbelievably nostalgic for certain things that weren't even that long ago but..... I didn't appreciate them at the time and I feel so guilty about it. (And like. I too would give up my entire life to be able to remember the scent of my grandmother's favorite perfume.) And all my pent-up sadness is for things that only happened in my childhood. I have pictures and videos and other people to share those memories with, but what does it feel like to be one of very few people that watched the entire world fall apart and rebuild itself and have nothing to hold onto from that time? What does it feel like to foster dozens of generations of children and outlive every single one of them? What does it feel like to have only fragments of memories of entire lifetimes? How lonely is it? I mean, Ciaran and Anwei have each other and that makes a difference but it still has to be the most isolating feeling. And then there's the pain that comes with memories that have faded or otherwise become hazy. I doubt either of them remember their father's face. They hadn't seen him in years even before it all happened. If it wasn't for that single photo he has, they wouldn't remember their mother's face either. Do they still remember her name? Or her birthday? Do they remember anyone else? Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers? If they do, do they even want to talk about it? One thing I worry about in my own life (and this is how I know I have Problems) is that I'm so afraid that talking about memories will alter them somehow. There are so many things that I don't even like to share because once the words are spoken the little vhs tape that has all my memories has been recorded over, even if it's just by a single frame. Something about it has been changed forever each time I talk about it. Do they feel the same way and keep things to themselves instead of sharing the sadness? I think maybe they used to talk about the “old days” or whatever much more often back in the past, but as the years went by.... they just learned to keep it to themselves.

I think maybe I have a lot of anxiety about the passage of time and of being forgotten!

Anyway again. The passage of time drives me insane. And I think it would make me even more insane if I had been chosen to carry the mantle of a dead god and would live forever. My dog died a year ago and I still cry like every single day thinking about her. If I was doomed to live forever I don't know how the sadness wouldn't swallow me whole! No wonder all the people in this book are fucking CRAZY!!

And don't even get me started on the Sovereign lol he's like “oh boo-hoo you've lived for not even a thousand years? Bitch they hadn't invented fucking GLASS yet when I was born. The horse wasn't domesticated yet. Cry harder!!”

[svtreaction]

have a one night stand

a/n: wow it has been TOO LONG. I was perusing my request inbox and honestly this one seemed so fun I couldn’t resist. These are just my opinions, so take it easy on me! GIF is from yunchanpai. ALSO I added some spice so 18+ !!!

xx, Lex 

[MASTERLIST] [MTL’S]

most  s.coups vernon mingyu the8 jun hoshi woozi wonwoo jeonghan dk dino seungkwan joshua  least

s.coups // “You’re body is stunning... I won’t miss an inch” - In regards to daddy coups taking the number one spot, I attribute my choice to maturity— he oozes a sensual coolness that gives me the impression that he could definitely handle a one night stand, but this is not saying that there wouldn’t be regret with some cases.  He would treat the people he sleeps with a disgusting amount of romanticism (fuck yes), lots of body worship, which definitely leaves you both wanting more. This being said, I feel that a lot of one night stands with this man could lead to a possible relationship, but on the other hand I think he wouldn’t necessarily bat an eyelash at one night in bed. 

mingyu // “...just like that” - Similarly to coups, I feel like Mingyu just oozes maturity. He definitely doesn’t make one night stands a habit, but I believe he doesn’t have a problem with them.  He also seems like the man that can flip the switch— he’d want to take care of anyone who he’s with in that particular moment, but when they’re gone, I feel like he could detach more easily than the other members. In terms of during the one night stand, I would not be surprised if Mingyu has a thing for bondage. I can just picture him asking his partner if he could use silk ribbons to tie them down... Possible degradation included? 

vernon // “you look beautiful baby” - I can see Hansol being very open to one night stands. If anyone confronted him about it, he’d just shrug his shoulders and carry himself with the “I don’t give a shit” attitude. A couple years ago, however, I would’ve put Hansol significantly lower on the list. Me and an old friend always theorized how we believed he could’ve went through some significant heartbreak or trauma somewhere around the Boom Boom era, and turned into a sex god after. Vernon, to the outside eye, can seem stoic at times, but this boy definitely has a big heart, and I think he just wants to spread love in all the ways he can. Lots of body worship with him! 

minghao // “turn around for me” - Minghao is rather nimble and flexible, and I can see these particular skills as motivation to get into the bedroom. I think he likes the challenge of having sex with another person, and loves to please his partner as much as humanly possible. Similarly to the other “higher ranked” members, Minghao ALSO has a maturity about him, and definitely has the “I don’t give a shit what you think of me” attitude. Additionally, I don’t think Minghao would be embarrassed to ask his one night stands personal sex questions, or have the fear of telling them to try new positions with him. Things in the bedroom with this boy would always be exciting, and you’ll definitely end up sore the next day if you end up spending the night with Minghao. 

junhui // “call me daddy, sweetheart” - as we are all aware of, jun does not shy away from pleasure. This being said, I believe he does not shy away from the one night stand scene; however, as greasy as this boy can be, he is also just as much a big softie with a tender heart. So as much as he’d be interested in delving into some extra pleasure on the side, I also see him wanting to form stronger bonds before the deed is done. After having sex in general, I can see him being a big, big cuddler, but don’t let this fool you, he definitely wants you to call him daddy while he destroys you.

hoshi // “you feel so good pretty girl” - soonyoung definitely is not against the one night stand way of life, but similarly to jun, I can see him wanting to form some bonds beforehand. With most situations, I feel like soonyoung would want a label on the relationship before any sex is to be had, however, I do see him every once in awhile having a one night stand to scratch his itch. With Soonyoung, it’s a toss up— he’s either going to have regrets in the morning, or he's just going to try to forget the person he brought home and did sinful things to just for one night. Big into pet names.

woozi // “...fuck” - jihoon no doubt lacks experience in comparison to the other members of seventeen, but just because he might not have as much experience, I really don’t think he’d be against participating in the one night stand scene. He’s mature and can emotionally handle being with a partner for just one evening; however, I don’t think this would be his first choice. I think Jihoon would prefer to have those emotional connections to his partner before he takes it to the physical level. Very quiet during sex. Heavy breathing/panting from this guy. 

wonwoo// “you feel so good around me” - I know, basically for a fact, that Wonwoo WILL fuck you good. He’s the perfect mix of sweet and dangerous in the bedroom. But when it comes to one night stands, I think our boy would tend to shy away from them. Wonwoo strikes me as a person who can, and desires to, form really deep connections with others, so one night stands are not his forte. But somehow if you do manage to get him in bed with, whether that be a one night stand or after being in a relationship, it’s going to be GOOD. 

jeonghan // “faster, kitten” - Jeonghan would probably stray away from having a one night stand with anyone. I think he believes he’s “above” it for some reason, and only sticks to having sex with somebody he cares for. I don’t think it would take him long to have sex though, I just think he definitely needs some personal connection first. Jeonghan wants to learn your boundaries, he doesn’t want to dive headfirst into the unknown. Definitely leans toward being a sub. Likes when you’re on top. 

dk // “Is this okay? Do you like it?” - SO SHY! He’s a real cutie, and even though he’s rather outgoing and exuberant, I think Seokmin would be nervous to take someone he doesn’t know into bed with him. I also believe he’s a pretty vanilla partner, and definitely liked to stick to missionary so he can see your face. Wouldn’t mind hitting it from behind though. Is a little skittish with every move he makes, and will constantly be checking if you’re okay and if he’s pleasuring you like he should. 

chan // “... I like this” - I think Chan would be very similar to Seokmin in regards to having a one night stand. But for some reason, I have a feeling that as he grows up ( even more than he already has :’) )  and gets a taste for having sexual relations with another person without ties, he might climb my list. However, I’m placing him here for now. Definitely is very serious during sex. Likes to grip your waste really hard. 

seungkwan // “I’m so lucky to have you” - AWE. We all love Seungkwan, but he is not down for the one night stand scene. He can’t make himself do it. He might say he wants to have a one night stand, but will never actually go through with it. He’s definitely waiting for that one person to get intimate with. Also, I think the thought of random people seeing him naked doesn’t sit well with him. But so, so, so, so much praise! He’s so cute in bed.

joshua // “it’s you and me, forever” - Josh wants commitment. Period. He wasn’t dubbed Jisoos Christ for nothing. I love him, but no one night stands for my guy. He’s definitely searching for that emotional connection, and I will even go as far as to say that he has to love you before anything along the lines of sex happens. I don’t think he’ll hold off everything till marriage, though. He knows that you need to have a good physical connection with another person before leaping into life-long commitment. Very sweet in bed though. Vanilla. Sub.