#it’s like 11:30 but I took a two hour nap and it’s Saturday. like I’m fine but I’m worried if this is just senioritis acting up fr fr…

[ch-go-crazy-yall]

Grrrr i wanna draw but im so lazy grrrr

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Breakable Heaven (pt. I) - p.l. dubois

As promised, here’s the first part of Breakable Heaven! I’m really excited for this one, there’s so many things I can’t wait for you all to read. This chapter is more setup and background, but I promise it’s all worth it! I’d love it if you reblogged (helps me know people like my work!) or pop into my inbox and let me know what you think! I read all the tags :)

part I part ii part iii part iv

June 4 (thurs)

Laurel clipped her pager back onto her scrubs, leaning over the counter of the nurses’ station. “You ready to go grab lunch?” She had just finished changing the bandages and administering pain medication for a little boy who was recovering from a heart surgery, and was looking forward to getting off her feet for a few minutes. The PICU floor was quiet, only about half of the rooms being filled, and there were no pressing matters that required her attention. If something drastic changed in the next half an hour, she always had her pager. 

Madeline looked up from her chair, where she was finishing up filling in a patient’s chart. “Sounds good,” she said, letting their charge nurse know that they were headed down. Madeline Peltier had been one of the first people to introduce themselves to Laurel when she started; having only been on the unit for two weeks herself, she was still getting a handle on the reins and was more than willing to show Laurel around. 

Madeline was also one of the few on the floor who was just as comfortable in English as she was in French. French had been Laurel’s foreign language through college, but she was made rudely aware upon her move to Montréal that the pronunciation and slang of Canadian French was very different from the Standard French of Madame Anderson’s rural Minnesota classroom. Her grasp of the language was good enough to take the Québec nursing licensure exam — which wasn’t even offered in English — but the spoken dialect was proving much more difficult to pick up. They walked down to the cafeteria, on the second floor, grabbing some sandwiches before swiping their ID badges for the employee discount. 

“I still think they should give us free food,” Madeline said moodily, unscrewing her water bottle and taking a sip. 

Laurel laughed. “When hell freezes over, maybe. Doctor’s lounge usually has some pretty nice stuff set out, or at least that’s what they say. Pity our cards don’t let us in, I’m not above identity theft.” Madeline snorted into her sandwich. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Madeline asked a few minutes later, starting to peel an orange. 

“Uh, not much?” Laurel said. “Getting my papers together to resign my lease in a few weeks, grocery shopping, but nothing big. It’s been a long few shifts this week and I’m mostly just looking forward to taking it easy. Why?”

“If you’re up to it,” Madeline shrugged, “Patrice and I are going out for dinner Saturday night and we’d love for you to join us.” Patrice was Madeline’s long-time boyfriend, they started dating in university and had been together ever since. 

Laurel rolled her eyes. “Madeline, thank you for the offer, but I don’t want to keep being your third wheel.”��

Madeline let out a conspiratorial grin. Oh no, Laurel thought. This can’t be good. “As it would so happen,” she said, “you wouldn’t be third wheeling. One of Patrice’s friends is back in the city for a few months, and I think you two might hit it off,” she sing-songed. Madeline had been trying to set her up from practically the moment they met; whether it was someone from her gym, one of the critical care fellows, or apparently, her boyfriend’s childhood friend. They were always nice guys, but nothing had ever stuck for more than a date or two. 

---

Twelve hour shifts meant that, at least on work days, there was no way Laurel was going to have the emotional or physical capacity to make herself a real dinner. She’d order in occasionally, but it more common to just pull together something quick like a frozen pizza or grab whatever leftovers she could find in the fridge. Yesterday’s chicken and rice it was, then. Sticking it in the microwave, Laurel opened the door to her balcony, letting Piper out to use the bathroom. Piper was an eight-month-old chocolate lab, the love of her life who she had adopted just after the new year. Laurel had always grown up with dogs; back in Minnesota she had Jackson and Lucy, and she had been missing them more than a little bit since moving to Canada. Piper was incredible. Intelligent, loyal, and so friendly that even her neighbor’s notoriously picky five-year-old son had taken a shine to her. She wolfed down her food, grabbed Piper’s leash and her water bottle, and headed out the door. 

June 5 (fri)

The intricacies of language were hard. And, somehow, learning the intricacies of a language you already knew was even harder. Laurel was trying her damndest to pick up Québecois French as fast as humanly possible, but while she could conjugate l’imparfait in her sleep, the accent and vocabulary were what was really throwing her off. But she intended on making a life in Montréal, and staying as long as she could, so there really wasn’t any option but to hit the books. Immersion worked for some people, and thank God she knew the medical terminology to communicate with her patients and their families, but it wasn’t quite the same when she was struggling through telling the mechanic her car needed an oil change. In a perfect world she’d have someone to help her one-on-one, but she didn’t want to ask Madeline for that big of a favor. And while she made decent money at the hospital — she could afford her own apartment and had a little left over every month to put into savings — it was nowhere near enough to pay for a tutor. So Duolingo, and podcasts, and Youtube lessons it was. 

Letting out a groan, Laurel leaned her head into her hands, shutting her laptop. She wasn’t going to make any progress being this frustrated. She bent down to scratch Piper, whose favorite spot for naps was a blanket right beside Laurel’s desk, between the ears, pulling her leash and collar off of their book by her bedroom door. Piper’s ears perked up, and soon enough she was running around the apartment wagging her tail as fast as it could go, a slightly exasperated but nevertheless laughing Laurel following. She finally managed to clip on her leash; at fifty pounds, Piper still had a little bit of growing left to do, but she had already proven she was more than capable of bending the will of a full-grown and otherwise capable 23-year-old woman. 

She had discovered Parc Saint-François-d’Assise a few weeks after adopting Piper, and had thanked her lucky stars for finding a dog park so close to her apartment. Having a schedule like hers meant that she couldn’t always get her to a weekly training or obedience class — plus, the French that she did know certainly didn’t include ‘heel’ — so the time spent socializing was well-appreciated. It was only a fifteen minute walk, and Piper was good enough on a leash that she only stopped once to bark at a squirrel in one of the many birch trees that lined the street. The park was an acre or two, small enough that she could see all the way across and keep an eye on Piper as she let her off-leash, but big enough that there was more than enough room for all the animals. It wasn’t particularly crowded that Friday; Laurel was confused for a moment before she remembered that most people were busy at 11 AM on a weekday. There were a few families, with kids out for the summer from school, and a man playing in the far corner with his two small dogs, but not much else. 

Laurel leaned down, unclipping the leash from Piper’s collar, and gave the chocolate lab a scratch on the head. “Have fun, girl!” Piper never needed much encouragement, and took off running almost before Laurel had even wrapped up her leash. Rolling her eyes and laughing, she picked up her phone. A text from Allison, one of her only friends in the city aside from Madeline, inviting her out for her birthday next week. Madeline, giving her the address for the restaurant the next night. The Duolingo owl, threatening her with bodily harm if she didn’t log her language progress for the day. She was so engrossed in checking her email that she didn’t hear the shout for her to look out, or the two bulldogs barreling towards her at full speed, until they had knocked her off her feet and she landed straight on her ass. 

“Desolé. Vas-tu bien?” The man asked, holding out a hand and helping her up. Laurel nodded, brushing the dirt off her jeans. 

“Ouais, ouais. Pas de problème, pas de mal. Ils sont chiens, non?” 

He chuckled, patting the smaller of the two bulldogs, which had decided to take a break from accosting passers-by to get petted. “C’est vrai.” They talked for another minute or two before saying goodbye, but she could have sworn it was an hour. 

Walking Piper home half an hour later, Laurel was struck with two realizations. The mystery man — bulldog dad, as she had started calling him in her internal monologue — had very possibly the prettiest eyes she’d ever seen in her life, and she’d be cursing herself for the next week for not getting his number. 

June 6 (sat)

Saturday meant Laurel had a day off, but more importantly, Saturday meant she didn’t have to set her alarm for 5:30 and could actually wake up at a semi-normal hour. Her internal clock didn’t wake her up until half past seven; even then, it was Piper’s soft barks that finally got her up, throwing on a pait of shorts, and leading her out to the courtyard down the hallway to use the bathroom before coming back to her apartment and throwing open the fridge doors. No 7 AM shift meant that she mercifully had enough time to make a proper breakfast. On shift days, there never seemed to be enough time to actually sit down and eat, and Laurel usually ended up just having a quick bowl of cereal or some overnight oats and making a protein shake to drink on the drive over. Eggs, bread, yogurt, a peach she had picked up from the farmer’s market. 

After the bread was done toasting and her tea was finished steeping, she gingerly carried the food out to the balcony, placing it on the table as Piper trotted out behind her. Laurel crunched her toast with one hand as she flipped the pages of a book with the other, a Shirley Chisholm biography that Victoria, her best friend from high school, had recommended her. It was almost an hour later when she finally found a good place to stop. As much as she may have liked to just camp out on her balcony all day and blow through the rest of the book, her pantry was crying out for a grocery run and she was running desperately low on ice cream. 

---

The dinner reservation was at 7, and by 6:30 Laurel was almost ready to leave. Her blue skirt fanned out on the couch as she sat killing time on her phone, tapping the floor nervously with the same pair of block heels that she’d worn to her university graduation. The restaurant wasn’t far from her apartment building, so a few minutes later, she decided to go, leaving Piper with a pat on the head and plenty of food in her bowl. Laurel laughed to herself on the way over, her eyes flickering over the skyline as she walked alongside the St. Lawrence River. 

It’s like what she had told Madeline over and over again, every time she tried to set her up on a blind date with a friend of a friend. She wasn’t actively looking for a relationship but wouldn’t be opposed to it. Whatever happens, happens. Biting her lip, Laurel decided that even if she didn’t hit it off with whatever guy Madeline was trying to set her up, even if things go horribly wrong and he’s the exact opposite of what she’s looking for in a partner, she’ll get a free meal and, hopefully, a new friend.

Laurel hadn’t been told much about her blind date, or anything, really. She didn’t even know his name. From what she had been able to figure out, he was from the area but didn’t work in Canada most of the year — so maybe he was in business? All Madeline told her was that he was tall, attractive, and had a dog. Or was it two? She honestly couldn’t remember. She trusted her and Patrice’s judgement, so if he had gotten their stamp of approval, it was good enough for her. She grabbed her phone out of her bag as she neared the restaurant, letting Madeline know she was almost there and asking where to meet her. She told the hostess she was meeting some friends, and Madeline walked around the corner less than a minute later. “Hi, love!” she said, reaching out and wrapping Laurel in a warm hug. “We’re over this way.” Laurel followed her around the corner and past the bar to a four-seater against the wall. She slid into the seat closest to the wall, leaving a space empty. 

“He should be back in a minute, just ran to the bathroom,” Patrice said, nodding towards the vacant seat and referring to her mystery man. A minute passed, Laurel scanning the wine list, before Madeline threw her hand up in greeting. 

“Salut, PL!” When Laurel looked up, she almost dropped her menu.

 “Oh my God!” The stranger — PL’s — eyes widened in recognition. “You’re the bulldog dad!” 

He chuckled, rounding the table to greet her with a kiss on the cheek. Left, then right. It had taken Laurel a while to get used to; even going to university in Toronto, cheek kissing was practically obsolete, but that changed very quickly upon her move to Montréal. “I am. Pierre-Luc Dubois, good to meet you properly this time.” 

Madeline looked between the two, clearly confused. “You know each other?” 

Laurel shook her head. “Not really, no. His dogs ran into me at the park yesterday when I was there with Piper, we talked for a minute or two.” 

Pierre nodded in affirmation. “So, Piper. The chocolate lab’s yours then?” 

“My pride and joy.” 

June 13 (sun)

 Over the next week and a half, it became more and more common for Laurel to meet up with the group on the weekend, or one of her off days, or really whenever she had spare time. She had learned that Pierre-Luc was a hockey player, Patrice explaining that they had played atom league together growing up and the friendship had somehow stuck. Come to think of it, he had looked a little familiar. The University of Minnesota Duluth was less than an hour drive from her hometown, and besides being the college that the majority of the 50% of college-bound graduates of her high school went to, it also had one of the best hockey programs in the country. So she knew the sport, followed enough to be informed, and had even become a de facto Maple Leafs fan from her time in Toronto. 

Sometimes Madeline and Laurel would bring another friend from the hospital along, sometimes it was just the four of them. Once, a Sunday afternoon coffee meetup turned into just Laurel and Pierre-Luc; Patrice had come down with a bad cold and Madeline was staying behind to look after him. If she was being honest, it was far less awkward than she had anticipated. Pierre had insisted on buying her iced capp, and they had settled in a corner booth, sharing a box of Timbits. 

“Patrice mentioned you’re from the U.S., somewhere in the Midwest?” Pierre asked, sipping his coffee. 

She nodded. “Cloquet, Minnesota,” Laurel sighed, “where there is exactly one hotel, one high school, and life revolves around the mines.” 

Pierre sucked in. “That sounds...interesting,” he said diplomatically. 

Laurel laughed. “It’s okay, you don’t have to mince words. The people are nice, if you think like they do, and the scenery is gorgeous, but…” She gathered her thoughts. “It’s not the place you can really dream big, you know?” He nodded. “Neither of my parents went to college, my mom’s a receptionist at the elementary school and my dad works in the mines. I knew by the time I was in high school that I wanted something more. There was just nothing for me there, and I didn’t ever want to feel as trapped and beaten down as some people I know.” 

Pierre leaned back in his chair. “Do you go back often?” 

“Once a year, maybe twice?” Laurel said, shaking her head. “I’ve only got a few good friends back there, and trust me, they’re much more excited to come to big-city Canada than I would be to go back to a town of 12,000 people.” 

“Fair enough.” 

Conversation between them flowed easily, so easily that before she knew it, two hours had gone by and he had to leave for a skate. As she walked back to the metro, Laurel couldn’t help but shake the feeling that the two hours she had spent with Pierre had felt more like a date than any she’d been on since moving to Montréal a year ago. But it couldn’t have been a date, because it wasn’t supposed to be. Right?

 June 15 (tues)

 It was half past seven on Tuesday, and Laurel was just getting home from work. She loved her job, genuinely, but twelve hour shifts were no joke. Spinning her key ring around her finger, she stopped in the mailroom, unlocking her box and fishing out the stack of envelopes that had accumulated in the two days since she’d last checked. Walking over to the elevators, she held the bundle in one hand as the other punched in her button to the third floor. Laurel flipped through the envelopes as the doors opened. Water bill, bank statement, letter from Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship Canada. Hang on. Laurel stopped at the last envelope, running her finger under the flap as she turned her key in the lock, opening the door with her hip and letting it slam shut behind her. 

She had applied a little over a month ago for her permanent residency card, which she had been assured by everyone she asked would be a relatively easy and painless process. “You’re a nurse, and a good one. I could use ten of you,” her charge nurse had stated. “You went to school here, you have a Canadian degree and a Canadian license. There’s no reason they would cause you any trouble,” Madeline had said. And she had done her due diligence, double-checked every piece of information, checked off every document on the list. Done everything she was supposed to do. So when she unfolded the paper, the words shocked her. 

Denied. Laurel brought her hand shakily up to her mouth as her eyes raced down the letter. No explanation was given, all she was told was that her application had been rejected and she had until September 17, when her work visa expired, to leave the country. The first thing Laurel did was frantically grab her laptop, seeing if there was some way she could apply for a visa extension, but the deadline had passed; she’d have to go back to the consulate in Minneapolis and try to re-apply from there, but her chances weren’t good if she’d already been rejected. The second thing she did was collapse on the floor, Piper nosing herself under her arm, and cry. 

June 16 (wed)

When the group met up for lunch the next day, Madeline noticed something was off about Laurel almost immediately. Normally someone who was hyper-focused on the task at hand, she was stirring her straw around in her glass, nibbling at a piece of bread and answering questions shortly if at all. “What’s up?” she asked carefully, catching Laurel’s eye as she tried to busy herself with straightening her napkin. There wasn’t really a way she could get out of answering that one. 

“I, uh, I got a letter yesterday,” she said. Pierre and Patrice stopped their conversation. All eyes were on her. “From immigration services. They told me,” her eyes pricked with tears, “they told me my PR application was denied, and I only have until the middle of September before I have to leave.” 

“Like, leave the country?” Pierre asked. She nodded. “But can’t you renew your visa or something?” 

“No, I looked into everything.” Laurel said in frustration, shaking her head. “There’s not enough time for it to be processed, I’d have to go back and reapply in the States, and even then the chances aren’t great.” 

Madeline leaned over, wrapping Laurel up in a hug. “Oh, Laur. I’m so sorry,” she said. “You don’t deserve this.” 

“It’s just hard,” Laurel started, “knowing that there’s nothing there for me back home. That’s the whole reason why I came to Canada in the first place, to get away. To get out. I’d have to retake all my licensure exams and find a new job and I don’t want to have to start all over when that’s not at all what I planned for. I thought I’d stay. I thought this was going to be my home” 

“I can call my friend who’s a lawyer, see if he’s got any ideas?” Patrice offered. 

Laurel smiled weakly “Thanks, Patrice, but I really don’t think they’d be able to do much. I was on the website for hours, and there’s like two ways I wouldn’t be kicked out of the country. And I don’t think I’m going to be able to give birth by September 17,” she said, letting out a watery laugh. 

“You’d have to marry someone or something to stay,” Madeline said. 

“Yeah, that’s the only other way it was going to happen,” Laurel agreed. “But seeing as how I’m obscenely single, I don’t see that happening…” She trailed off. 

“I’d marry you,” Pierre said suddenly, shrugging. 

Laurel’s head whipped to her side. “You’d what?” 

“I’d marry you. We’re both single, by all accounts you’re an amazing nurse and deserve to stay. We get married, stay ‘together’ for a few years until you get your citizenship, and then tragically inform the citizenship and immigration people that while we tried, it just didn’t work out, and get a divorce. Easy peasy.” 

Laurel almost burst out laughing, the idea was so ridiculous. She almost couldn’t wrap her head around what he was offering to do. He couldn’t be serious. Right? 

---

Laurel slung her arm over her head, body tangled up in bedsheets. According to her phone, it was well past one. She couldn’t sleep. She had tried rain sounds, counting sheep, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, but nothing was working; she just wasn’t able to still her mind. Honestly, she couldn’t stop thinking about lunch earlier. More specifically, what Pierre had said. 

As much of a bad person as it may have made her sound, the more she thought about Pierre’s offer, the more it made sense. He was incredibly attractive, so it wouldn’t be hard to fake a marriage to him for a few years. She really didn’t keep in contact with anyone from back home in Cloquet aside from her family and a few friends from high school, so it’s not like there would really be anyone to blow her cover. And she really, really wanted to stay in Canada. It wasn’t just the scenery, or the general human decency of everyone, or even the universal healthcare that pushed her to stay. She had fallen in love with the people, the city, and didn’t want to go down without a fight. 

Rolling over, she grabbed her phone from her nightstand, pulling up Pierre’s contact. Hey, she texted. Laurel immediately cursed herself as the three dots popped up on his side. Hey? She was going to ask this man to marry her and the best she could come up with was hey? He wrote back immediately. Hey. You’re up late, what’s up? Laurel took a deep breath. How serious were you about offering to marry me? His second response was even faster than the first. As a heart attack.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 12) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

This one is very heavy. Patton is spiraling hard and expresses some very unhealthy deep seated views of himself and his role in relationships. So be warned and if you want to wait to read this, feel free. Basically all of the warning in the notes apply in this one except medical procedures.

Patton’s back ached from falling asleep on the floor next to the couch once again the night before. It had been horribly quiet in the apartment in the last 24 hours since Patton returned from the hospital to find Logan gone. He didn’t know what to do.

They’d defaulted back to looking through the files that they’d already pretty much read through at this point and Patton was starting to wonder if there was even any point. They’d looked through the red ones last night and the green ones this morning before rotating back to the blue ones which were now spread all over the coffee table.

Patton had snagged one of the fluffier blankets from the closet and curled up under it, but it didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, he might feel worse because he couldn’t keep insisting that Logan pet it like he normally would.

Logan didn’t even seem to care enough to voice his obvious unhappiness with Patton. His silence just made Patton feel worse and worse and made his thoughts spin and spin. Logan was tapping his fingers against the table thinking about something. Usually Patton would respond to that action with patient fondness, but today it just made him want to curl up into a ball wondering what he was thinking. Patton’s mind kept returning again and again to that place it had been in on and off the last two months except that place was getting darker and darker every time he came back around to it.

Ever since the rejected proposal, Patton had tried to figure out what it was about him Logan didn’t like. He’d tried all sorts of things. He’d tried not inviting himself over to his apartment as much, not being as pushy about Logan taking care of himself, offering sex less, offering sex more, not being as pushy about spending time with him, being more quiet, letting him decide what they did on dates, not talking as much about his job, not depending on him as much when he was stressed, not crying in front of him when he was overwhelmed. He’d tried. He’d tried so many things.

The problem was Logan. Or at least Logan before.

What Logan hated most in life was change and he’d clearly gotten used to how Patton naturally acted over the years. Thus, he kept getting distressed when Patton tried to change something.

When Patton avoided his apartment for over a week, he’d asked if Patton was mad at him and then since Patton had that Saturday off, he’d managed to cajole Patton into spending all day in Logan’s bed napping and cuddling.

The not pushing him to care for himself had only lasted a few hours. Patton knew it had to be annoying, but he couldn’t stop himself from reminding him to eat breakfast and Logan hadn’t seemed mad when he’d started back up. He’d even brushed a kiss across his cheek when Patton handed him a plate of bacon and breakfast potatoes.

He seemed to be able to tell when Patton wanted to have sex with a startling amount of pinpoint accuracy, like he had Patton down to a science. When Patton wanted it, but didn’t start something, he initiated it himself and he looked at him with abject confusion when Patton tried something when he didn’t want it.

He showed up to the hospital to take Patton to lunch in the cafeteria when he didn’t mention meeting up for lunch because he assumed the reason was that Patton was too busy that day. He pushed when Patton didn’t speak much, citing that he was worried something was wrong and he insisted on his input on dates before he’d move forward with any plans.

Patton had kept quiet about his job for three days before Logan had gone and talked to Remy behind his back to ask if something was wrong at work. Under pressure from both of them, he’d spewed out the buildup of stress all over the place. And it was so hard. It was so hard not to cry about it when Logan pressed soft kisses to his cheeks and temples and asked him if he was okay.

But now Logan wasn’t used to Patton and wasn’t set into patterns that he probably didn’t actually like, but just allowed because he wanted to be nice to Patton and was used to it. The problems with Patton were becoming apparent every time Logan side eyed him.

Patton had been hoping that maybe he could figure out from this version what parts of Patton he really did not like. Then Patton could hold more firm about getting rid of those things once Logan got his memories back. He’d definitely appreciate it after an adjustment period. That is if Logan even wanted him after this. He hoped he’d at least give Patton a chance to fix himself.

Patton was good at pretending. He knew how to cut pieces of himself off to get people to love him back. He’d had a lot of practiced. Make sure to do your homework at the dinner table at mom’s house so she knows you’re not being lazy. Cook when you’re at dad’s house so dinner is ready when he gets home from work, but make sure you’ve cleaned up by the time he gets home, so he doesn’t see you cooking. Don’t let grandma cook potatoes; she doesn’t like them and will blame you for them being on the dinner table. Never turn on the television at mom’s house; it rots the brain. Make sure the television is on the sports channel by the time dad gets home. Don’t touch grandma’s remote no matter how loud the volume is. Sit up straight for mom. Don’t cry in front of dad. Be quiet for grandma. Pretend dad doesn’t exist for mom. Call dad’s new girlfriend mom. Don’t try to correct grandma when she calls you by your dead grandfather’s name. Get good grades. Get into a good college. Get a job that pays well. Don’t complain. Don’t get in trouble. Don’t be gay.

Patton knew how to do it all. Logan had never asked it of him. Never, not once had he told Patton that he needed to fix himself or that he had to change for him; he deserved it more than any of them.

“We’ve talked a lot about me,” Logan said surprising Patton out of his churning thoughts especially since he had barely spoken all day. “but what about you?” he asked. “Tell me more about you. Tell me about our relationship. Why do you want to be with me or at least the me with my memories?”

“I…” Patton started. “There are a lot of reasons.”

“Then tell me one.”

Patton bit his lower lip. “You read my papers.”

“Your papers?”

“I’ve written a few research papers and you looked them up and read them and tried to understand them because you wanted to be able to talk to me about something I was interested in. That was the first time in my life that someone looked at me and it felt like they actually wanted to know me. And you kept doing things like that. You remember my coffee order and bring my favorite sandwich to the ER even when you know I’m in surgery and I can’t be there to see you so you just leave it with someone else to give it to me when I’m done. You eat the stupid cafeteria food at the hospital when I only have time for a 30-minute lunch just to spend time with me and after the first time we had sex, you got up early and cooked me an omelet because you didn’t know how to cook anything else. You try to find ways to help me feel better when I’m upset even though it doesn’t come naturally to you and you’re willing to throw popcorn in my mouth from across the room with your powers just because I ask even though you think it’s silly. You once took me on a picnic to a park 5 hours away because I mentioned how much I loved it when a group of us went there on a retreat during medical school even though you don’t like eating outside because of the bugs. And you didn’t even complain… well, I mean, you did complain, but only enough to make me laugh, not so I thought you really resented being there with me. When we go to parties and I say I want to go home, you pretend to get a migraine so we can leave early and sometimes we end up having sex in the car outside. And even though you complain about how annoying you think Remy is, you know he’s my friend so you still make a point to make an effort with him and hang out with him even when I’m not there. So…” he swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You really love me,” he stated, eyes intent on him and unreadable.

“Every part of me loves you Logan,” Patton said, gripping the soft blanket in his fingers. “You can have whatever pieces you want.”

“Whatever pieces?” he echoed.

Patton forgot for a moment that the man in front of him did not have context, that he didn’t and couldn’t understand what Patton was asking. “Look,” he said. “I know there is something wrong with me. I know there are parts of me that annoy you or make you angry, but if you just tell me what they are I’ll change them.”

“You think I don’t like all of you?” Logan asked.

“Clearly not!” Patton said, standing up suddenly and throwing the blanket off onto the ground. He paused and took a breath, forcing his tone to be calm and clinical, like he did when he got too emotional at work. “Look at this,” he gestured to the piles of files in front of him: blue, green, and red. “This is everything from your personal files to your work files to the files for your alter ego, but where am I? You have the receipt from the first fast food order you bought with your credit card, the invitation from your five-year high school reunion that you didn’t even go to, and your sixth-grade report card. But there is nothing in here about me. Not really. I am not important enough for you to keep. But I can be if you just tell me how. I can be whatever makes you happy. If you love me at all, I will rip myself apart until I’m what you need.”

Logan looked him directly in the eyes. “If I love you, I don’t want that.”

Patton blew up. “Then what do you want, Logan?!” He snapped his mouth closed and looked away, tears that had been building since Logan had lost his memory, since Patton’s marriage proposal had been rejected, since his mom had first called him stupid because he’d gotten a B on a math test in the 5th grade, springing to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he swallowed and stood, a picture of calm. “It has been a stressful couple of days,” he said, flicking a tear off his cheek. “I think I need to go back to my place and rest for a while. I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can… I don’t know, try aromatherapy or something.”

Before Logan could say anything more, Patton beat a hasty retreat.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 13

[axwalker]

Tears in heaven 7: Grief

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.

Pairings: Liam x MC Drake x MC (TRR)

Warnings:   This is an 18+ blog.

IN THIS CHAPTER: CAR ACCIDENT, DEATH OF A CHILD, GRIEVING PARENTS.

 if you’re triggered by any of these issues, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS STORY

To catch up: Masterlist

A/N: The story will go back and forth between two different periods of time (2015-2019) 

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Songs inspiration: Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton

Thanks to @burnsoslow for so so so much. Not only she corrected my several English mistakes but she helped me with her feedback, and with Alexis’s letter and the horrible phone call she receives.I LOVE YOU  ❤️

Thank you @pedudley for beta reading, for ALL the feedback and for listening to my incessant whining while I was writing this chapter. I LOVE YOU  ❤️

November 2014 – November 2018

That Saturday had started like many others before. Drake woke up early to the sight of Alexis’s soft, bare skin next to him. He leaned over to pepper her back with lusty kisses. They were going to be apart the whole weekend, and Drake wanted to show his beautiful wife just how much he was going to miss her. Alexis woke up smiling and enjoying the jolts of pleasure that his ministrations always produced. Unfortunately, they both heard the voice calling them from the next room, suddenly interrupting their morning plans. Drake chuckled, resigned, as Alexis put on his Rolling Stones T-shirt. Twenty seconds later, Drake brought a sleepy Tom to the room with a book in his hands.

“C’mere, little man.” Drake placed him next to Alexis in their bed. Tom snuggled against his mother and gave her his favorite book as he did every Saturday morning. “I’ll go make us breakfast, Lexie,” he said and left for the kitchen after placing soft kisses on Tom’s and Alexis’ heads.

“Let’s see what you have this morning, Peanut.” She read the title out loud: “The Very Hungry Caterpillar. You really like this one, don’t you, hon?”

Tom nodded vigorously.  Alexis giggled and started reading as her son ran his little fingers over the drawings of the book.

When their reading was over, Alexis took Tom to his room. She went to the drawers to pick out his clothes.

“So, Shrek or Cars, Peanut?” she asked as she pulled out two different T-shirts from the top drawer.

“Shek!” Tom yelled excited.

“‘Shek’ it is, then,” she said, winking at him.

After a few minutes of chasing Tom around the room because he refused to wear his pants, they came down to the kitchen.

Drake chuckled at the sight of Tom wearing his green Shrek T-shirt with yellow pants and the cowboy boots Bianca had sent from Texas. His mother didn’t even know Tom. Those boots were the only gift she had sent him in three years, but Tom loved them.

“Bold choice of outfit, little man. Uncle Max will be proud.”

Alexis giggled. “He refused to wear anything else,” she said, placing Tom in his chair. “I can believe I have to work on a Saturday. I’m going to miss you two so much.” She pouted.

Drake was going with Tom to Ramsford for Savannah’s birthday. Alexis had gotten a job as the assistant to a renowned literary agent. She loved it, but it meant that she had to leave with her boss for the weekend to Portavira’s Book Fair.

Drake cupped her face before speaking. “You’re killing me with that sad little face. The weekend will be over before you know it. Tomorrow night we will be here waiting here for you, and we’ll have dinner ready. Do you want to cook with Dad, Peanut?”

Tom clapped with the spoon still in his hand, splashing strawberry yogurt all over the kitchen. “We make cake for Mommy!”

She took a kitchen towel and cleaned the mess, smiling at Tom’s vitality. “Well, if a delicious chocolate cake will be here waiting for me, I’ll be very motivated to come back as fast as possible.”

“I hope you’ll be motivated by more than cake, Lexie,” Drake said teasingly as he served them the food; he had prepared his Saturday special: Belgian waffles with Nutella and fresh bananas.

Alexis gave him a sultry kiss and whispered in his ear, “Finishing what you started this morning is definitely motivation number one.”  

Drake blushed. God, she loved him so much it hurt. “You look cute blushing, Mr. Walker.”

He chuckled. “I love you, Mrs. Walker.”

They ate and talked until Alexis’s phone beeped with a message. “Fuck, Drake! It’s Charlie; her car is picking me up in less than 10 minutes.”

Drake smirked. “A dollar in the jar, baby. And I’d like to remind you that you’re losing,” he added smugly.

Alexis stuck her tongue out at him, making Tom laugh. She took a bill out of her wallet and put it in the jar they had placed in the kitchen. They were both trying to stop swearing in front of Tom. Surprisingly enough, Drake was much better at it than she was.

After fetching her bag and coat, she sat on her husband’s lap, looping her arms around his neck. “I have to go -- please take care of our baby. I’m going to miss you two like crazy.”

He gave her a small peck on her nose. “Me too, Lexie, and don’t worry. We’ll see each other tomorrow night. Right, little man? Are you ready to have an adventure with your dad?”

“Yes, an aventure!” Tom exclaimed, beaming and making his parents laugh.

After saying goodbye to Drake with a deep kiss, Alexis took Tom out of his chair and bounced him around, making him giggle. “You behave, Peanut. I will be thinking about you,” she said, rubbing his stomach. “I love you so, so much, my baby.”

Tom placed his small hands on her face. “Me too, Mommy.” Her heart tugged when she put her little boy back in his chair. She was having more trouble than usual saying goodbye.

Drake smiled at the scene. He scooped Tom up into his arms, and they went to the door to wave Alexis goodbye as her car drove away.

Alexis worked hard that day; Charlie was a great but demanding boss. That night, she went to bed with The Goldfinch, Donna Tart’s latest novel. Tart was one of her favorite authors, but she was unable to focus on the story. Alexis finally closed the book and unplugged her phone. Scrolling through The Cordonian Times News website, she saw that a huge storm was about to hit Ramsford. She decided to call Drake.

“Hi, baby. How was the Fair?” he asked.

“Great! You know Charlie. She’s a shark. Three new writers will be signing their contracts next week.” She toyed with her ring before adding, “I just saw that it was rainy as hell in Ramsford.”

“Yeah, the storm is pretty shitty, but I’m a good driver, Lexie. Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay at Ramsford tonight? It’s safer. Please?” she insisted.

“Yes, I’m sure. But please don’t worry, baby. I’ll be careful,” he answered, smiling. She worried too much about them.

Alexis knew better than to insist; Drake was even more stubborn than her. “Fine. Is our Peanut having fun? Did you take pictures?”

“Yes, lots of pictures. I’ll send them when we hang up. He’s napping now, but Max and Liam played with him all afternoon. I swear, I don’t know which of the three of them was having more fun.” Alexis giggled, making Drake terribly nostalgic. “I miss you so much, baby. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

Alexis looked at the picture of them that she kept in her wallet. “Me too, Drake. And I’m glad that Tom is having so much fun. Tell him I love him with all my heart. I’m sorry he’s napping; I was hoping to talk to him.” She sighed, before adding, with a hint of worry in her voice, “Drake, please be careful. Don’t leave Ramsford if it’s raining too much.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll call you when we get there. I love you like crazy, Lexie.”  

“I love you like crazy too, Drake. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” Both of them hung up the phone smiling.

Drake looked out the window. The storm had calmed down, but it was still raining. He decided to leave anyway; he was a good driver, and the cabin wasn’t far from Ramsford.

He secured Tom in his car seat and left.

They had been on the road for half an hour when Drake took a sharp curve. It happened in a matter of seconds: The wet road caused the Jeep’s tires to slide; Drake reacted fast and was able to regain control of his car.

But the car behind Drake’s didn’t react so quickly. The gray sedan crashed into Drake’s Jeep on the right side ... where Tom was sleeping.

Alexis had fallen asleep with her phone in her hand. She woke up and checked the time: 11:30.

That was weird; Drake should have called her by now. Alexis called Drake, but it went straight to voicemail.

An uneasy feeling took over. She called Savannah, who told her that Drake had left Ramsford around 9:30. She suggested that maybe they had arrived at the cabin and fallen asleep. Alexis thanked her and hung up. She knew Drake by heart -- he would never go to sleep without calling her first. She opened a bottle of water trying to calm herself. She was surely overreacting.

Suddenly, her phone rang, startling her: an unknown number. Alexis took a sharp breath before answering the call that would change her life.

“Hello?”

“Good evening. Am I speaking with Alexis Walker?”

“Yes, this is she.” Ice settled in her stomach.

“Mrs. Walker, this is Lynn from Ramsford Hospital. Your husband and son were involved in a car accident tonight. Are you able to come right now?”

Alexis couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. “Hello?” She swallowed. “Yes. I’ll be there. Are -- are they safe?” “Your little boy is in surgery. Your husband is being checked by a doctor. We’ll have more information when you arrive, Mrs. Walker.”

“Th-thank you.”

But the woman had already hung up.

Charlie insisted that Alexis take her car and driver. Alexis accepted and left immediately.  The questions and uncertainty were killing her. During the torturous four-hour drive, she didn’t stop bargaining. If they’re okay, I will never complain again. I promise, God, I’ll never take them for granted. If you let them live, I’ll come to church every Sunday. Every day. I swear. Please, God, just let them be fine. Please, I beg you.

Alexis arrived at Ramsford Hospital around 4:00. She had practically jumped out of the car and run to the reception desk. She saw Maxwell and Liam sitting in the waiting room.

“Where are they? How are they?” Alexis realized how hysterical she sounded, but she didn’t care.

“Blossom! Thank God you’re here! Drake is fine; he suffered a small concussion and some bruises, but he’ll be fine.”

Alexis nodded, terrified of asking about Tom. Maxwell took a sharp breath before speaking. “Tom has been in surgery for a few hours ... the doctor will come out with an update soon.”

She nodded again, feeling a sudden need to see Drake. “Take me to Drake, Max. Please. I need to make sure he’s fine.”

Drake was sitting on a bed in the ER with Savannah. His eyes were red and puffy. He had scratches and bruises all over his face and arms, and a doctor had patched up his head with a bandage.

Alexis ran to him, intensely relieved to confirm that he was okay. Drake stood up and hugged her tightly, his eyes tearing up again. Alexis had never seen her usually-confident husband in such a state of desperation. It scared her to death.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. He has been in surgery for hours.” His voice broke. “They won’t tell me what’s going on!”

Drake wrapped his arms around her; she sobbed against his chest for a long time, waiting for the doctor to come. After a few more hours, the surgeon and a young nurse entered the ER. Drake was facing the door, so he saw them before her. His heart stopped.

The doctor’s expression told him everything he needed to know.

Drake held Alexis tighter, trying to shield her with his arms for a few more seconds from the pain they were about to experience.

The doctor cleared his throat. Alexis turned her head, trembling, unable to breathe. He took his cap off and held it in his hand.

“I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but-”

Alexis shook her head. “No, no, no, no!” She didn’t realize she was screaming. “Don’t say it! No! It's a mistake.” She turned to Drake, crying hysterically. “Drake, please tell me that Tom is ok. Please, my love. I beg you.”

Drake held her, but he was shaking himself; he felt his heart actually breaking. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he said, crying. He was trying to calm Alexis, but his words had the opposite effect. She bawled desperately. Her heart seemed to pound even faster, even harder. She tried taking a deep breath to calm herself, but her breaths were sharp and shallow. Her vision got darker and narrower.  She heard Drake’s panicked voice as if he was talking to her from a long distance. She barely felt a nurse injecting a sedative into her arm … and then everything went dark.

Alexis woke up, and for a few seconds she didn’t remember. But when she opened her eyes, the sight of the fluorescent light in the ceiling brought everything back. Her heart broke all over again as it would break so many times in the future. Drake was sitting on a chair next to her. He hadn’t slept all night as his eyes stared at his phone, looking at Tom’s last pictures. He heard Alexis moving on the bed, so he went to sit next to her and took her in his arms. She hid in his chest and cried again while he soothed her, rubbing her face with his fingers. Alexis couldn’t believe that she would never see her little boy again. It simply couldn’t be true.

“I want to see him.” Her voice was trembling.

“They were waiting for you before … before taking him. Let’s go.” He helped her out of bed and called a nurse who took them to see Tom one last time.  

Those last moments with their son were the saddest moments of Alexis’ and Drake’s lives. Alexis refused to let go of him until a nurse gave her another sedative.

Alexis spent the first four weeks after Tom’s death sedated. She went to his funeral, but she wasn’t really present. Drake took care of everything with Savannah's and Liam’s help. After the ceremony, she went back to bed and lay there for hours staring at the ceiling. The pills had the side effect of making her feel empty and numb, but at least the pain in her heart was silent. Drake fed her and took care of her during that time.

After Tom’s death, nothing seemed to matter anymore. Drake’s emotions were a mix of sorrow, emptiness and desperation. The “what if”s were going to make him crazy with guilt. He tried to use alcohol to drown his shame and grief, but it didn’t work. Nothing worked.

Five weeks after Tom’s death, Alexis heard a noise in the middle of the night. She got out of bed and found Drake crying in Tom’s room. Her heart tugged seeing him so broken. She sat on the floor next to him and hugged him. They held each other for hours, crying for their son.

From that day on, Alexis started to get out of bed. She stopped taking the sedatives and promised herself that she would try to fight for herself and Drake. It worked for a couple of days, but soon the mere effort of waking up in the morning was exhausting. Everything was exhausting. Alexis did it anyway. She’d wake up, take a shower and go to Tom’s room. She only meant to spend a couple of hours there, but once she went inside, she wasn’t able to leave. And more often than not, the whole day passed with her crying there, incapable of doing anything else.

Drake was destroyed too. Tom had been the light of his life. Sometimes he felt like a sunken ship.  

During the second month after his death, they shared some afternoons where they’d cuddled against each other in front of the fire without speaking, just trying to cope with the deep pain. Those few stolen moments were Drake’s and Alexis’ solace. But they were unable to really communicate, to speak of the bubbling feelings beneath the surface.

Without the pills, Alexis’ mind wasn’t foggy anymore. She felt a deep, breaking pain in her heart and a colossal rage circulating through her veins. At first, her bitterness was directed at God, at life, at fate. But soon, Alexis started to be angry at Drake, too. She tried with all her heart to stop those feelings, but she couldn’t. Drake had chosen to drive in the middle of the storm, after she had asked him to stay in Ramsford. And that had cost her son his life.

Alexis didn’t want to hurt him or to add to his guilt, so she started to avoid him as much as possible. It didn’t work. Drake’s way to cope with his own grief was to take care of her. He truly believed that their love would be enough to keep them together, and for a fleeting moment, Alexis had believed it too.

The rage that Alexis felt for him began as a small spark, but it had soon turned into a burning fire that scared her. She was distant and cold and did everything she could to drive him away.

Drake tried his best to make her feel better. He had even suggested visiting a counselor or joining a grief group. The same Drake Walker who hated to share or talk about his feelings was willing to do it for her. They went once, and it was a disaster. Drake had tried to share a memory of Tom, but the words simply didn’t come out. Alexis had brooded and scowled the whole time.

Alexis felt like she was going to explode with all the emotions she was feeling. She became rude, evasive. She ended up moving into the guest room. Drake was desperate; he tried to make her understand that he loved her, that he needed her.

It was the three-month anniversary of Tom’s death. After yet another sleepless night, she went to Tom’s room. She lay in his tiny bed and cried all day. Drake tried to comfort her, to hold her. But she had chased him away, more haunted than ever by his brown eyes. That night, she had come down to the living room and saw Drake drinking. Alexis sat next to him and poured herself a big glass of whiskey. She gulped it, poured herself another one and gulped it, too.

“I can’t do this anymore, Drake.” Alexis was crying wholeheartedly.

Drake sighed as he looked at her. She had lost 10 pounds and looked tired, pale, extremely depressed. It was the first time since they had met that he didn’t dare take her into his arms. “We need to get help, Lexie.”

Alexis scoffed, “Do you mean like that amazing support group you signed us for?”

For three months, Drake had tried to be supportive and patient. But he felt lost and tired;he didn’t know what to do anymore.

He gulped his tumbler of whiskey before he answered, “I’m doing what I can to help you, Lexie. But you won’t let me. I want us to fight this together.”

Alexis balled her fists. All the feelings that had been accumulating for the last months were threatening to explode.

“I don’t need anyone’s help.” She felt like burning inside. “Especially not yours.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Alexis?” Drake stood up next to her.  

When she finally answered, her voice was trembling with fury. “Why?”

“What do you mean?” Drake asked, puzzled.

Alexis’s eyes filled with tears. “Why did you have to come back that night? Why couldn’t you listen to me? I told you it was raining, I told you it wasn’t safe.” Something dark and dangerous had taken over her, and she couldn’t stop. “But no. You always have to be right, so you couldn’t do what I asked. And now he’s dead. MY SON IS DEAD because you’re too fucking stubborn.”

Drake raised his voice, too. “OUR son, Alexis. TOM was OUR son. I miss him just as much as you do. Stop acting like you’re the only one who lost him.” He sighed to calm himself. He raised a hand to touch Alexis’ face, but she dodged it. “You have no fucking idea how it feels when I try to get close to you and you reject me every goddamn time.”

Alexis tried to wipe her tears with the back of her hand. She answered, furious, “Can’t you understand that looking at you fucking hurts? Every time I see your eyes, I see him. And it’s driving me crazy. It breaks my heart every single time.” She took a swig of whiskey to calm herself, but it didn’t help. “You can’t help me; you’re actually hurting me.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re drunk,” Drake stated, pointing at her glass.

“Yes, I am drunk. But that doesn’t change the fact that it hurts so fucking badly, Drake. Why? Why did you do it?” She shoved him.

“Stop!” He grabbed her wrists. He couldn’t believe what she was implying. “Stop it, Alexis!”

She was bawling, agitated. She wanted to take the weight of her emotions off her chest, so she yelled at him without thinking. “You killed him! You killed our son, and I will never be able to forget that.” As soon as she said it, she regretted it. But it was too late.

Everything went silent for a few seconds. Drake’s mouth went dry. His heart stopped. Every time her eyes darted when she looked at him, or every time she flinched when he touched her, he wondered if she blamed him for the accident. But until that moment, he had refused to actually believe it.

Letting go of her wrists, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and his glass. He spoke with a gravelly voice. “You’re drunk, I’m drunk. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Alexis swallowed her tears so she could talk. “No, Drake. I’m very sorry for what I just said. You have no idea how much, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ll be gone in the morning.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Drake went up the stairs. The weight of her words oppressed him. He lay down on the bed and tried to drink his pain away.

Alexis stood in the middle of the living room hating herself for hurting him. She didn’t want to feel so angry at him, but the rage was stronger than her. She curled up on the couch and cried for a long time -- for her son, for the horrible pain of missing him so much. And for Drake, for the man she loved so desperately but was unable to forgive. Alexis needed to leave, to flee from their house, from the grief. She prepared a small bag with some clothes she had in the guest room. Before leaving, she went to their room where Drake was sleeping heavily after finishing the bottle of whiskey. Crying again, her heart broken, she kissed his forehead and muttered a sad good-bye. She took off her wedding rings and set them on the nightstand. Drake needed to understand that she wasn’t going to come back for a while.

When she arrived at Maxwell’s loft, she took her old sedatives from her bag. Now that Alexis was away from Drake, she didn’t need to fight anymore. She was exhausted from pretending that she wanted to be alive. So she took two pills with a glass of water and finally fell asleep.

For almost two days, thanks to the sedatives, Alexis didn’t do much besides sleeping and waking in a fog to drink a bit of water. She was exhausted after all the sleepless nights she had had since her son had died. Maxwell checked up on her regularly, but he let her rest. On the third day, he entered her room with a steaming cup of coffee.

“Here, Blossom.”

Alexis grabbed the cup and took a sip. “Thank you, Max.” Her eyes teared up.

Maxwell sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. “What happened with Drake, Blossom?” he asked, concerned.

“It was my fault. I’m so angry all the time, Max.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I tried not to be -- I really did -- but that night, something snapped. I said horrible things to him. And the worst part is that I love him so much, but I can’t stop feeling like that.” Her lip quivered. “I didn’t want to hurt him like I did. I swear, Max. He looked so broken.” The memory made her cry again.

“Calm down, Blossom. You need to talk to him. Even if it’s a painful conversation, you need to talk. Drake has called several times since yesterday; he’s worried about you. I’ll take you back to the cabin.”

Alexis was utterly confused. She didn’t know if their relationship could be saved. She didn’t know if she would be able to overcome her bitterness. But she still loved him with everything in her, and she owed it to Drake and herself to at least try.

“Thanks, Max. I’ll take a shower and then we can leave.”

When Alexis arrived at their cabin, everything was silent. With a huge lump in her throat, she went upstairs. Drake was gone. He had taken some clothes, photos, and her wedding rings. Alexis sat in their bed and cried for everything she had lost. The next day, she left the cabin and rented a small studio with her savings. After that day, her grief became more and more difficult to bear.

Drake woke up the morning after the fight feeling dead inside. His desperation only got deeper when he discovered that Alexis had disappeared, leaving her wedding rings on the nightstand. Drake spent all morning trying desperately to find her, until Maxwell finally answered his phone and told him that Alexis was at his house, that she needed time.

During those two days, Drake called Alexis several times, but every time, Maxwell told him that she was sleeping. Drake knew that it was a lie; Alexis barely slept more than a few hours a night. He thought about going to Max’s loft but dismissed the idea. It was pointless to force her.

Her words replayed in his head over and over again. Looking at you fucking hurts. It breaks my heart every single time. You’re actually hurting me. You killed my son. Drake felt the weight of his guilt crushing him

Forty-eight hours later, Alexis hadn’t contacted him or answered his calls. With her wedding rings wrapped in his hand, Drake realized that it was time to accept that she had really left him. He couldn’t stay there. He was going to die if he had to keep living alone in the cabin where they had been so fucking happy. Alexis was everywhere. Tom was everywhere. The next day, he tried to call her one last time, but she didn’t answer. Drake didn’t insist anymore. He left for Spain, destroyed. Before getting on the plane, he called Liam to ask him to take care of Alexis; Drake knew his best friend wouldn’t fail him.

After three hellish months in Andalucía, Olivia had called him to tell him how desperately depressed Alexis was. Drake immediately tried to fly back to Cordonia to be with her, but he had only found tickets for the next morning. That single night changed everything. Drake had been arrested and sent to prison. He asked Bastien and Savannah to keep his secret because he didn’t want to worry Alexis or distract Liam from helping her.

Drake felt desperate knowing that he couldn’t help her himself. Savannah and Bastien visited him often, but no matter how much he insisted, they never talked about Alexis. Drake sensed that they were hiding something, but it wasn’t until his release that his sister had told him the truth: Alexis had been committed to a clinic after she had tried to kill herself.

Drake didn’t lose any time and jumped on the first plane back to Cordonia to be with her. Sick with worry, Drake didn’t even go to his house to leave his bag; he had gone from the airport directly to the clinic.

When Drake had seen Liam at the hospital, he was relieved to confirm that his best friend had kept his promise; Alexis hadn’t been alone. Liam had known nothing about his stay in prison, so Drake wasn’t surprised at his best friend’s cold reception. The only thing that mattered to Drake at that moment was Alexis. Seeing her again had been the only thing that had kept him alive.

Drake would never forgive himself for all those months that Alexis had been forced to fight her depression alone, without him there to help her. If she gave him another chance, Drake would spend the rest of his life showing her how much he regretted it, how much he loved her.

Liam had asked him to come back the next day. Apparently, Alexis needed time to get used to the idea of seeing him again. Drake accepted willingly. He was desperate to see Alexis, but her recovery was the absolute priority.

But the next day, things didn’t go as he had hoped.

“You left a broken woman, Drake. She has been in hell, depressed and missing you for months. You have no right to come back and burst into her life, now that she’s finally doing better.” Liam cleared his throat. “She told me she doesn’t want to see you anymore. I’d say I’m sorry, but frankly, I agree with her decision,” Liam said, taking an envelope from his jacket and giving it to him. “This is the letter she wrote to you before she tried to kill herself. I didn’t read it, but I know she was desperate. Seeing you again will trigger her and probably set her recovery back months.  If you still want to see her after you read this, call me, and I’ll talk to her. But for Alexis’ sake, I really hope you won’t insist anymore.”

Drake sat on a bench and opened the letter.

Drake, my love,

Before anything else, I beg you to forgive me. For all of it: blaming you. The words I said. This.

I blamed you for the accident and I drove you away.

It was never your fault. I knew that all along.

And now? I have nothing. There is nothing without him. I have walked through the last seven months in a fog of desperation, and I can’t do it anymore.  

I don't even want to try.

Please move on. Live your life. Be strong the way I cannot be.

It is what he would have wanted.

I have always loved you, with everything in me.

Your Lexie

Drake sat on the park bench and read her letter several times. It was devastating. Picturing her grief, her pain, in his mind was hard enough. But having to face it, having to read firsthand how broken the love of his life had been, was more than Drake could handle.

In spite of what Alexis said in her letter, Drake knew that Tom’s death was his fault. He was also aware that Liam was lying. Drake was sure that Alexis didn’t know that he was looking for her. But Liam was right; after all she had suffered, nothing was worth jeopardizing her recovery for -- least of all him. Drake hadn’t even gone back to his cabin that night. He went to the cemetery first to visit his son’s grave. Then he left directly for the airport, headed back to Spain.

His first year back in Andalucía had been a nightmare. Until then, Drake had stupidly clung to the idea of seeing Alexis again. She had been his motivation to stop drinking, to get help from the prison counselor. Her face was the last thing he saw before falling asleep every night. After all that hope, Drake had a rough time accepting that he had lost her forever.

For a few months, Drake went back to his old bad behaviors and heavy drinking. But one night, reading her letter for the hundredth time, he realized that Alexis was right. Tom would have wanted him to move on. Drake couldn’t continue to hide behind his grief anymore. He suddenly felt the urge to fight for himself. Little by little, he tried to get better. He couldn’t practice as a veterinarian in Spain, so he took a job in a stable training horses and moved out of Bastien’s house into his own apartment. And most importantly, he stopped day drinking.

Drake knew himself; he was never going to love another woman as he loved Alexis. Some nights, he’d go out, meet a beautiful woman, and they’d have fun together, but it never went further than a good night and breakfast.

One afternoon, he met Yolanda at the stables; she was a veterinarian too. Yola, as her friends called her, was a short brunette with pretty green eyes and a wide smile.

Something about her made him think of Alexis. Yolanda wasn’t as sunny as his Lexie, but she was beautiful, funny and smart. Like Alexis, she seemed to love life, and that was contagious. They dated for a few months, but Drake soon realized that he was only trying to replace Alexis with Yolanda, and that wasn’t fair to her. He ended the relationship before her feelings became too strong and resumed his life of endless one-night stands.

Drake’s life was finally back on track when he had received the news of Alexis and Liam’s engagement. It had been a complete shock. In the past, Drake had suspected that Liam was in love with his wife, but he would never have imagined that Liam’s feelings were reciprocated. Drake was well aware that Alexis had every right to rebuild her life, to fall in love. He knew that it was his own fault that Alexis hadn’t even tried to call him and give him the news herself, but the rage was still there. During the weeks that followed, Drake couldn’t avoid the horrible jealousy that was threatening to eat him up. He kept picturing them together and it drove him mad. Until one day, talking to Savannah, he realized that it was time to let Alexis go.

For three years he had lived as an exile in Andalucía so Alexis wouldn’t have to see him again. But she was clearly over him now. Maybe it was time to come back. Drake missed Savannah and Bartie, his country and his veterinary career. So he decided to stop fleeing. He wanted to see Alexis again and make sure she was all right. After that, they’d sign the divorce papers, and he would finally be able to move on with his life.

However, when he saw Alexis again, all of his good resolutions went out the window. Drake had felt angry and jealous seeing Liam’s diamond ring on her finger. In the weeks that followed that encounter, Drake had felt unstable and confused … until the last day at the coffeehouse.

April 2019

Alexis left the coffeehouse frustrated and angry at herself. She couldn’t believe that Drake’s touch was still capable of making her feel that nervous. She got in her car and started the engine. After all that time and the tears that she had shed trying to forget about him, she had finally done it. And she was not going to go down that path, not ever again. To love someone as passionately and as intensely as she had loved Drake wasn’t right or healthy. It was painful and heartbreaking. His departure had nearly killed her. Alexis was aware that Drake had left because of the hideous things she had told him, but she still had waited for him for years, convinced that their love for each other would make him come back. But it didn’t. And now, she was happy again. Liam made her happy. He was sweet, kind and smart. A great lover. He accepted her shortcomings, her traumas. Alexis couldn’t ask for more. She refused to let Drake disturb her life. Whatever feelings she was having for him again, was surely due to their lack of closure. The only thing that should matter to her now was her engagement to Liam. They were going to get married in a month. Liam deserved nothing less than her fidelity and devotion.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drake was shaken after his encounter with Alexis at the coffeehouse. Even hours later, he could still feel her skin on the tip of his fingers. He sat with a whiskey in his hand, thinking about her reaction. As stupid as it seemed, he was sure that Alexis had felt the same powerful electricity that he did. They still shared their old chemistry, even when they had fought at Savannah’s party; it had been heated, passionate. He savored the malty liquid burning his throat as he thought about how gorgeous she was. For the first time since he had seen her again, Drake allowed himself to freely think about her -- her beautiful dark eyes, her soft features, the way she flicked her hair. The old sparkle of her eyes was still there; it was hidden behind a shadow of sadness, but it was still there. That afternoon, Drake had had to actively stop himself from kissing her.

There was no point in lying to himself any longer; he was still desperately in love with Alexis, even more than before. Drake admired her new strength, her determination to fight in spite of the pain. He missed her sarcasm, her sense of humor, the way she always put him in his place. He was as captivated by her mix of sweet vulnerability and intense fire as he had been 10 years before. God he had missed her so fucking much all those years. Drake was destined to love Alexis for the rest of his life.

However, the last thing he wanted to do was to disturb her life. So Drake made a decision. If Alexis was truly happy with Liam and her new life, as much as it killed him, he would sign the divorce papers and leave her alone. Even if that meant that he’d have to spend his life loving her from a distance. But if he discovered that she still loved him too but was too scared to admit it -- if there was a chance that he could still save his marriage -- Drake wasn’t going to leave without fighting for her.

PERMATAG:  @ac27dj @twinkle-320​ @kimmiedoo5​ @marshmallowsandfire​ @loveellamae​ @burnsoslow​ @mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @lauzales​ @pug-bitch​

TEARS N HEAVEN: @ao719​ @yukinagato2012​ @kingliam2019​ @forthebrokenheartedthings​ @texaskitten30​ @cordonia-gothqueen​ @bebepac​ @nomadics-stuff​ @hopefulmoonobject​ @cordonianroyalty​ @msjr0119​

[illshowyourhurricanes]

Rooted

I’ve been writing and re-writing and changing versions of this story since May 9th. I wrote I don’t know how many fics between, and I not one idea why this took me so long, but it’s finally here. The lovely @obscurilicious requested image 12 with Benjamin Greene x reader. 

That being said, aside from a little more coming for Flash (featuring the irreplaceable Billy Russo), this wraps up my follower event. Thank you all so much for participating, for requesting and reading and hopefully enjoying what I’ve come up with. It means the world to me, from the bottom of my heart!

Image prompt 12 :Benjamin Greene x reader

Rating: PG

Word count: 2890 of pure fluff

Tag list: @obscurilicious @the-blind-assassin-12 @something-tofightfor @logan-deloss @lexxierave @madamrogers @yannii04 @gollyderek @carlaangel86 @maydayfigment @vetseras @thisisparadisemylove @malionnes @thesandbeneathmytoes @delos-destinations @luminex3 @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @tenhargreeves @witchygagirl @fific7 @pheedraws @my-rosegold-soul @russobill

If you’d like to be added to or removed from my tag list, please just send me an ask or shoot me a DM!

Special thanks to @something-tofightfor for beta reading this monstrosity far too many times.

I hope you enjoy, and thanks for reading!

You were filthy and so was Benjamin. The two of you were seated on the ground outside, caked with soil and dirt and laughing and grinning like fools. In front of you was a small pile of vegetables. But they weren’t just any vegetables. They weren’t bought at a farmers market or picked up from a grocery store. They were, of course grown, but home grown, at your home, and by you and Benjamin. They were planted and nurtured and cultivated by the two of you together, and despite his playful reservations and general eye-rolling in the beginning phases, you and Benjamin— neither of you having any knowledge about gardening whatsoever— had successfully grown vegetables. And you found the irony of it all hilarious. 

Piled haphazardly in front of you were long orange carrots, radishes just a shade shy of mulberry, and beetroot so caked with dirt, they resembled potatoes. You’d even been able to gather a couple of your zucchini , and your radishes were close to being ready for picking as well. 

“We were born with green thumbs. We just didn’t know until now.” You turned to Benjamin and grinned, happiness shining in your eyes, and it was unmistakably obvious how genuine it was.

Your relationship with the man was different than anything you’d experienced before. Benjamin wasn’t one that never had tricks up his sleeve, but he didn’t base time with you on grand gestures. He didn’t get annoyed when he came home with plans to take you to an impromptu dinner and you were covered in charcoal dust. Benjamin understood that the smallest of moments, the most mundane of activities, the parts of life that could be seen as tedious or necessary, didn’t have to feel that way. There was always room to spin things into something more meaningful. An infinite amount of room. 

You could be just as ingenuitive and impulsive as Benjamin was. There was never a dull moment, never a lack of surprise. The garden the both of you sat in front of in awe, the soil and mud that you’d both be scrubbing off in the shower until the water grew cold was an impulsive idea, and on your part. You’d woken up one Tuesday morning with the idea that you had to plant a garden. 

“Benjamin,” you’d said, sleepily, scooting closer toward him as morning light streamed through the windows and gauzy curtains. White sunlight bathed the floor in swaths, and as you curled up to press your body against his back, the idea struck you. It was a eureka moment, the kind you saw on old Saturday morning cartoons that was always accompanied with a lightbulb turning on. 

“B,” you repeated, so alert it was as if you’d had several cups of the morning coffee you hadn’t bothered to make quite yet, “B, let’s plant a garden.”

 It hadn’t taken too long for Benjamin to agree, though you’d given him time to wake up and eat breakfast first. You couldn't believe he actually conceded, yet he laid out a disclaimer of sorts beforehand: he was not, under any circumstances, a gardener. That was her thing. I was never allowed to help, not even to assist by handing over a tool.  Far be it for me to taint her process just by being there.  For Benjamin, just stepping foot into Julia’s greenhouse garnered a look of annoyance and feeling of intrusion. It had made the idea of ever venturing into any sort of agricultural task turn sour… that was, until you had mentioned it. Benjamin was convinced that anything you touched was magic, like you’d been sprinkled with fairy dust-- a reason you’d laughed about once that had turned into a childish inside joke.  Who were you to debunk a theory that worked so well in your favor?

But you weren’t a gardener either, you reminded him. And I’m not her, you added silently. I’m nothing like her. Any and all expertise you’d had with plant life was either in sketching them or bringing your work outside instead of staying  cooped up in your studio.

“We can learn together,” you promised, your voice bright and a glimmer of excitement shining in your eyes. Benjamin had pulled you close, your cheek pressed to his chest, and he kissed the crown of your head, lingering there to breathe in the scent of your shampoo , entirely as enticing and unique as you were. 

“You’re entirely aware that I can’t say no to you.” One corner of his mouth turned upward into a half-smile. You looked up at him through your eyelashes, blinking innocently 

“Whatever do you mean, Mr. Greene?” He leaned down to kiss you again, and you playfully darted from his arms, laughing as you turned to walk away. You turned your head to shoot him a wink followed by a cheeky grin. “You’re not ever meant to, B.”

                                                ****   ****   ****

“Why did you choose root vegetables?!” 

Standing upright and, wiping at your hairline with the back of your hand, you surveyed your work so far. The raised beds you and Benjamin built before planting hadn’t been too difficult, yet he built twice as much as you had, and  in the same amount of time. “Are you sure you’ve not done this before?”

Squinting up at you from where he was squatting, Benjamin shrugged in a joking manner. “I did my research. And because root vegetables are some of the most difficult to cultivate and grow… and especially to plant.”

You threw up your arms in defeat and brushed your soiled hands against your denim-clad thighs. “Unbelievable!” You were smirking,  however, as you turned to walk inside for bottles of water. “

“Go big or go home,” Benjamin called after you. 

You called back to him,“I’m already here!”

Just an hour later, you and Benjamin had managed to plant several plots of seeds: his chosen root vegetables of radishes, beetroot and carrots, and rutabaga. You’d picked up zucchini and cucumber seeds as well, but decided to save those for planting the next day. Gardening was hard work.  After a bit of clean-up, you kissed Benjamin’s face, wiped soil from his cheek, and went inside to clean yourself up.  After a hot shower, you promptly fell asleep across the bed, towel still wrapped around you.

Because of your impromptu accidental nap, you woke around 11:30. Now that you were awake and Benjamin was asleep, you had time; you were working on a surprise for Benjamin. It was an idea that had entered your mind the moment you’d started to pluck packets of seeds off the shelf the morning prior. Another eureka moment, which seemed to be occurring much more often in regard to this entire gardening thing . 

Garden markers seemed necessary, but aesthetics were important in your artist’s mind. Regular, plain garden markers just wouldn’t do, so you’d decided to mix things up a bit.

Benjamin had  fallen asleep sitting up in bed, glasses askew and a textbook in his lap. You seized the opportunity, stopping by your chaotic supply closet and pulling out several plastic bags. You put a great amount of effort into keeping the rustling to a minimum as you sneaked outside onto the front porch. 

The sky was clear— stars shining down like glitter dusted in the sky, the new moon beautifully bright. The temperature was mild, even a bit chilly when a breeze blew, and there was no humidity to hinder paint drying. One by one, you carefully slid each wooden garden marker from its bag, softly speaking to yourself as you lined them up, side-by-side. 

“Radishes… carrots, beetroot, rutabaga…zucchini, cucumber.” You sat back on your heels, eyeing the six blank signs you were turning into plant markers. Peeking into the remainder of the plastic bags, you removed paint, brushes, and other essentials, arranging them to your right. “Radishes, you’re up first,” you said under your breath, and with one swipe of red paint, you were off. In just over one hour, you were finished, each garden sign pushed off to the side and left outdoors to dry. Paint, brushes, and the like were gathered together and put back in the closet-meticulously - as to not disturb Benjamin, whom you were sure was still asleep.

When you tiptoed back into your bedroom, Benjamin was just as you’d left him. You lifted his book from his lap, closing it and gently laying it on his bedside table.Then, you attempted to slide his glasses the rest of the way off his face without waking him were unsuccessful. 

He stirred, and you froze for a moment. He was still asleep. Gently laying his glasses atop his book, you clicked off his lamp and climbed into bed, Benjamin rolled onto his side and scooped you closer, your back against his chest. You fell asleep almost instantly, muscles slightly nagging with ache as your breathing fell in time with his.

                                              ****   ****   ****

You were awakened with the slight prickling of a beard to your skin and warm, tiny kisses peppered over your cheek. Instead of your usual morning groan, you smiled and hummed in contentment, eyes still closed. Sleepily, you shifted to face him and your grin faded with a puckering of your lips, waiting expectantly. He kissed you softly once, following it up with a loud, playful smacking of his mouth on yours. 

“Coffee?” you offered. Before Benjamin had answered, you were already making your way back across the bed and planting your feet on the hardwood floor. “You stay here, coffee in bed seems essential today.” 

You were using liquid fuel as an excuse to sneak outside and peek at your handiwork, maybe even put each plant marker in place if you worked quickly.  Yawning as you set the coffee pot to brew, you semi-quietly slipped outside, leaving the door open slightly. The morning was balmy, but not humid. Catching sight of the work you’d done last night, you tiptoed across the porch and glanced down at the painted signs with a small smile. Sketching with charcoal might have been your favorite, the most honed artistic craft you indulged in, but painting brought a different sort of tranquility. You’d taken enough classes while working toward your degree that you were comfortable with painting, and it showed in your handiwork. 

The faint aroma of brewing coffee tickled your nose, but you had just enough time. Your muddy shoes from the day before were just to the side of the door, and you slipped them on quickly before stacking the wooden planks and carrying them down the steps and in the direction of the garden. The first plot of seeds were radishes, and you carefully chose a spot that wouldn’t affect Benjamin’s work.. Placing the remaining five signs on the ground, you stepped around the beds the both of you had raised. You realized then, as you swore you could feel someone watching you, that you’d probably need some sort of shovel or other garden tool to break up the dirt and secure the markers in place. 

“Coffee’s ready.” Benjamin’s voice called out, and you stood upright quickly. Shit. 

You waved at him sheepishly and made your way back toward the house. “I need to work on my timing, obviously,” you replied as you walked, your calf muscles and quads screaming with each step. “Are you as sore as I am?” you asked him. 

You slipped out of your dirty shoes as quickly as you’d put them on before, leaving them where you’d found them before approaching Benjamin,  the man holding a mug of steaming coffee in each hand. Holding out the one that was lighter with creamer, he looked down at you with a quirked brow and crooked half-smile. “Gardening without me? Were you sabotaging my radishes, Y/N?” His expression changed then into one of widened dark eyes and a slightly open mouth, and you laughed at Benjamin’s dramatics as you sat with your coffee on the top step leading to the ground. You patted the stone step you settled on, signaling for Benjamin to join you. 

“You’ve foiled my plan!”  You may have still had a touch of sleepiness in your voice, but you felt completely awake, excited about what you’d done for him. Taking a tentative sip of the hot liquid, you angled your legs to the right as Benjamin joined you, naturally turning toward him. “Today, radish sabotage. Tomorrow, it’s the carrots. I’ve got an entire schedule made out. I’m quite the seasoned saboteur, you know.”

Benjamin was amused, eyebrows quirked and his mouth curled upward into a smirk. He allowed himself to shamelessly stare, his eyes surveying your face before roaming down the rest of you, your legs exposed in the old pair of shorts you wore that were once a pair of sweatpants. You stared back, watching him and smiling over the rim of your coffee mug. Finally, his eyes moved back upward, catching yours. 

“Are you checking me out, Benjamin Greene?” He responded with a cheeky grin, taking your mug from you and setting it to the side with his.  “Hey!” you protested as he stood and reached behind you for his shoes. You reached over him to take your coffee back, but Benjamin was too quick for you. In one swift motion, he scooped you into his arms, kissed your lips, and threw you over his shoulder, proceeding to walk toward your newly-planted garden. 

You burst into laughter, your ponytail hanging in your face and you kicked your legs just once in the air.  “Benjamin! I haven’t got any shoes on…” He stopped as he reached the area of the yard the two of you had dug up and raised into beds just the day before. You just sort of hung there for a moment, gently batting your fists against his lower back, saying his name again. 

He readjusted you until he was holding you in his arms again, and he looked down at you with absolute love and adoration in his eyes. 

“I was wondering what you were doing out here at midnight.” 

You grinned up at him, shrugging sheepishly. “I didn’t want to wake you,” you laughed. Obviously, he’d only been half-asleep. 

Benjamin looked down at the ground, nodding toward the wooden signs you'd painted the night before laying haphazardly on the ground. They’d come out nicely, the names of your vegetables in their infancy painted in poppy red, vivid blue, kelly green. Your gaze followed his, just glancing at the plant markers you’d personalized. 

“Who put those there? What a nice gift,” you teased. You were actually very pleased at how they’d come out. They looked much better in the morning sunlight than they had as you painted by moonlight and then dim porch light that hung from the porch ceiling. 

When you looked back up at Benjamin to gauge his reaction, he met you with a kiss to your lips. You sighed against his mouth as he teased with his tongue, coaxing you to do the same. He tasted like coffee, diluted with just a drop of milk and too much sugar.  When he pulled back, you were breathless.

                                                  ****  ****  ****

Lying back in the grass, you squinted upwards at the sun as you smiled. You were already sprinkled with dirt, so lying down and getting soil and grass stains on the back of your clothes wasn’t any matter. It struck you again how ironic it was that you and Benjamin had actually planted a garden and, with no help, raised and cultivated vegetables. They’d actually thrived. 

You caught Benjamin’s eye, and he laid back in the grass beside you. He offered you a wink when he got settled. 

“All the pulling roots tired you out, Y/N?” he teased, punctuating his question with a peck to the tip of your nose.  Turning your head to the side, leaves undoubtedly stuck in your hair, you felt your heart swelling with love for the man lying beside you. 

Without thinking, you tangled your fingers with his and said what was on your mind. “Why don’t we sow some more seeds?” You frowned momentarily. That sounded not at all like what you were actually thinking.  “Or… why don’t you sow some permanently… here?” The space you called your own was quaint, but you were sure you had enough room to tuck away Benjamin’s belongings. He spent more time at your place than he did at his own, anyway, and it just made sense.  “After all, you’ve got a garden to tend to now.”

Benjamin stayed still for a moment, just searching your face, appreciating every feature, and then without warning, rolled over and hovered over you. You pursed your lips, suppressing a laugh. 

“You’ll decorate my moving boxes?” he asked, warm chestnut eyes shining. “You’ve got leftover paint, a closet full of art supplies. Perhaps some glitter to add a touch of pizazz.” His voice was low, his words tinted with laughter, but you could tell by the expression on his face that he was happy.

“I take that as a yes.” Your grin lit up your entire face. “Even better than I did those plant markers,” you promised.And with a simple raise of your head to seal the deal with a kiss, Benjamin readily reciprocated, then whispered in your ear.

“You’re too good to me, Y/N.”I hope you’ve got room for all my books.”

[jamaisjoons]

intro: her IV ⤑ knj | m

⟶ 𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦:〝 you enter namjoon’s life in the most unexpected of ways, but will you be able to stay, especially when he comes with three adorable but chaotic children, even more chaotic best friends and a bitch of an ex-wife? not to mention your own emotional baggage. 〞singe dad au.

❥ 𝑝𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔: single dad!namjoon x marine vet!reader

❥ 𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑟𝑒: fluff

❥ 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡: 7k

⟶ 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠: some clichés, tooth rotting fluff, like no serious, this shit is so cute and wholesome I want to write 20k of angst, perhaps second hand embarrassment? but no, this chapter is hella tame

➵ 𝑎/𝑛: hello children, the much awaited intro: her chapter four is here!!! sorry it took me a while, I kind of hit writers block elfnkfk but anyway, here it is! hope you enjoy it.

⏤ Rewritten as of 25/02/2020

⇥ Previous || Masterlist || Next

Chapter 4: The Picnic

It’s 10am on a Saturday when you’re woken up by your phone ringing on the bedside beside you. You let out a tired groan before blindly feeling around for said mobile device. When your hands finally hit the cold metal of your phone, you grab it and open your eyes slightly. A groan of protest escapes your mouth at the bright light, and squinting you check the caller; ‘Kim Namjoon’ the ID reads. With a slight frown, you swipe the green answer button, pressing your phone to your ear.

“Hello?” you ask, voice heavily laden with sleep and slightly croaky. You can hear the boys faintly in the background, and a squeaky voice you recognise as Jungkook’s pestering his father to ‘ask her! Ask her!’.

“Hey ____? Did I just wake you up? I’m so sorry,” Namjoon begins, deep voice apologizingly profusely. You shake your head, before realising he can’t see you, making you clear your throat instead.

“No, it’s okay. Did you need something?” you ask, sitting up in bed as you rub the sleep out of your eyes. In the corner of the room you hear a small whine before your adorable, white fluff of a Samoyed jumps onto the bed, nuzzling into your neck. You scratch his ears, bidding him awake before focusing on your conversation again.

“Oh no! It’s just, we’re having a picnic today at Yoongi’s and the boys were wondering if you wanted to join us? I’m sorry for waking you up, but if you want to go back to sleep it’s fine too,” Namjoon continues, voice carrying over the phone. You can hear Jungkook whine, Taehyung’s ‘no! she has to come!’ faintly ringing through the background.

“Ah, no! I’m free today. I’d love to join you. What’s the address and what time do I need to be there?” you ask, throwing the covers off of you as you make your way into the bathroom, to get ready for the day.

“We’re going to meet around 11 maybe 12 at Seokjin’s and don’t worry about the address. Jin-hyung said he’ll send a driver to come to collect you,” Namjoon replies.

“Oh no! You really don’t need to do that,” you try rebuffing the offer, not wanting to take advantage of your friends.

“He said he won’t take no for an answer. How soon can you be ready?” Namjoon asks and you quickly check the time.

“Umm, I think I could be ready by 10:30, 10:45 at the latest,” you reply after calculating however much time you’d need to shower and get dressed.

“Okay perfect. The driver will pick you up at 10:45. See you soon!” Namjoon says but you quickly call out to him before he can cut off the call.

“Wait! Can I bring my dog? I’m supposed to walk him today and I don’t think I’ll be able to find someone to watch him this late,” you ask.

“Yeah that’s fine! The more the merrier,” Namjoon responds before cutting the call. You quickly put your phone down on the sink before stripping and getting in the shower.

Half an hour later, you’re almost ready. Swiftly, you throw on some clothes, checking over yourself in the mirror with a final glance. You make sure your make up is blended, and hair as smooth as can be. Finally, deeming yourself ready, you throw on your shoes before grabbing your dog’s harness and strapping it around him. His tail wags ecstatically and you giggle as you pet his head, scratching his cheeks while you wait the driver to call you. You don’t have to wait for long, because at exactly 10:45 you get a message from an unknown number letting you know that it’s the driver and he’s waiting for you downstairs.

You quickly get into the car, making sure your puppy is inside before strapping yourself in. You sit quietly for most of the journey, only speaking every now and then to calm your Samoyed down, stopping him from barking at the people outside of the window. It’s been six months since you met Namjoon and his children, and now you’re more at ease with them; although every now and then it dawns on you that your friends aren’t exactly run of the mill people but are in fact the best artists in Korea.

You contemplate your new friends for a little while longer, and an hour later, the car stops outside a park that looks more like a forest than anything. You scrunch your eyebrows, wondering why you hadn’t stopped at the huge apartment complex that you knew to be Seokjin’s building. The driver sends you a small smile before beckoning you out. You want to ask what the hell is going on, but a familiar figure stops you. Spotting Seokjin’s broad frame walking out from a small clearing in the forestry area of the park, you thank the driver and grab your pup’s leash before stepping out.

“____! Nice of you to join us this fine day,” Seokjin says, greeting you with an overexaggerated bow. You let out a little laugh, curtseying back as your pup stands to the side, wagging his tail and practically begging Seokjin for attention.

“Oh! Look at this handsome man. He’s almost as handsome as me!” Seokjin says, squeaky windshield wiper laughter following. His words make you roll your eyes in fond exasperation, watching as Seokjin plays with your dog.

“Okay, let’s head off before they come looking for us. The boys are super excited about meeting you today. Jungkook almost drove Namjoon up the wall asking where you were,” Seokjin says with a small smile and you giggle, following Seokjin as you imagine Jungkook repetitively questioning his father about your whereabouts.

Seokjin leads you down the same path he emerged from; the two of you wander down the small winding trail; erect trees standing tall on either side. It’s a pretty place, vivid hues of vibrant green surrounding you. A few minutes later, the two of you emerge from a little opening into a wide-open field. You have to stop for a minute, taking in the entire site. The area is surrounded by woodland, giving a truly secluded feel to the area. Various shrubs and flowering bushes grow in sporadic places but the majority of the area is covered in soft green grass. In the middle of the field is the small gaggle of boys and men. Taehyung and Jimin are running around as Hoseok chases them, the two boys squealing and giggling; Yoongi is laying down, undoubtedly attempting to take a nap and Jungkook is practically pressed against Namjoon.

Your pup starts barking, the mildly heavy ball of fluff tugging on your grip on his lead as he tries to join in with the two running boys. Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung’s head whip toward you at the sound of the dog. You spot Jungkook quickly separating himself from his father, Jimin and Taehyung now running towards you and Seokjin. Namjoon and Yoongi both get up, Jungkook grabbing his father’s hand and dragging him towards you. You all meet somewhat in a middle and you keep a firm grip on your excited pup’s lead, not wanting him to jump and tackle the boys who were only slightly bigger than your dog.

“A puppy!” Jimin squeals, immediately throwing himself into your pup’s side, burying his face into the long white hair and nuzzling into it.

“Fluffy doggy!” Taehyung calls out, equally excitable as he attempts to grab as much of the long white hair as he can with his tiny palms.

“What’s his name?” Jungkook asks, large doe-like eyes looking up at you, one hand holding onto his father’s as the other is being licked by your dog, causing Jungkook to let out a tinkling laugh. The minute Jungkook asks his name you freeze, panic consuming you. You had completely forgotten exactly what you’d named your puppy.

In a moment of blind panic, “Reginald!” you blurt out, not wanting to admit the almost embarrassing name of the pup.

“Reginald? Did you really name your dog Reginald?” Namjoon asks, his eyebrow raising, a small teasing smile on his face. You can tell he doesn’t believe you for a single second, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“Reginald! Hey look at me,” Hoseok calls, attempting to call out to your dog. However, your pup simply ignores him causing Hoseok to frown.

“He’s not responding. Why isn’t he responding?” Hoseok asks and you bite your lip, looking away. You know exactly why he’s not responding. And it’s because his name is definitely not Reginald. Yoongi, being the ever-observant man, notices your shiftiness and immediately calls you out.

“His name isn’t Reginald is it?” Yoongi asks and you blanch, your stomach dropping as butterflies bloom in your stomach. Are you really about to embarrass yourself in front of them? Yup. You definitely are. You’re sure of it.

With a quiet, barely audible voice, “um… no,” you reply. You really, really do not want to tell them your pup’s name.

“You’re embarrassed!” Seokjin suddenly calls out, his entire face twisting with excitement as he takes in your nervous disposition, “why are you embarrassed? How bad can it be?” Seokjin asks, although there’s a slight twinkle in his eyes that you know means that as soon as you reveal the mildly embarrassing name, he’ll tease you for the next few weeks.

Realising you have no option but to come clean, “Ra… mo…” you mumble out. The guys squint at you and you let out a little sigh.

“Ugh! Fine! Rap Mon. His name is Rap Mon, are you happy?” you finally say, face heated and small pout on your face.

“Sorry what? I didn’t hear that” Hoseok says dumbly, although his lips are tightly pressed together, pulled into a smile and his cheeks puffed out. All signs that he definitely heard you and is struggling not to laugh. Seokjin’s face mimics Hoseok’s and as soon as you let out a defeated sigh, both of them burst out into laughter, unable to contain themselves anymore.

“Rap Mon! Oh my god, his name is Rap Mon! Rap Monster!” Hoseok finally bursts out, struggling to speak from how hard he’s laughing. You let out a small groan, wishing the ground would swallow you up - but simultaneously knowing that you’re never about to live this down.

“Do you remember- do you… oh my god, I can’t… do you remember when Namjoon was Rap Monster?” Seokjin asks, trying to catch his breath between his laughter. Internally, you berate yourself. Honestly, of all things you had to name your dog, you just had to name it after the artists you somehow befriended. Even more so than before, you really hope the earth would somehow split open and swallow you whole. Nervously, you chance a glance at the man your pup is named after and notice that despite his heated cheeks, he’s got the slightest smile etched onto his pillowy lips.

“Okay, okay. That’s enough. She’s allowed to name her dog whatever she wants,” Namjoon finally says, trying to control his friends despite the beaming smile on his face.

“Oh my- Stop,” Hoseok gasps, clutching his stomach as he tries his hardest to breathe, “I can’t. Jin-hyung, look how happy Namjoonie is,” Hoseok points out, both the men falling into giggles once again. Namjoon lets out a little sigh before directing a pleading look towards Yoongi. For the most of it, Yoongi’s got a big smile on his face, gums prominent as he watches his friends. The boys don’t care as much, unbothered by the laughing adults as they continue playing with Rap Mon.

“For what it’s worth, I only call him that when he’s being bad or doing something he isn’t supposed to. I mainly call him Monie,” you try to explain as a way to placate the situation, but your words only set the two older men off again.

“Rap Mon… WHEN HE’S BEING BAD! Oh my god, this is gold. ____, thank you. This is the best present you could have given us,” Hoseok finally says, attempting to collect himself as he pats your back.

“I think whenever Namjoon does something he isn’t supposed to, I’m going to call him Rap Mon too,” Seokjin teases, Namjoon grumbling under his breath. You send Namjoon an apologetic look, but he simply shakes you off.

“It’s fine, they’ll get tired of it eventually,” Namjoon whispers lowly into your ear. Immediately, you stand straight, his presence directly behind your back and low voice in your ear sending shivers down your spine. For a moment, you wonder if he knows whathe’s doing, but before you can reply he’s back to his usual self, herding his children back to the picnic blanket.

You follow the rest of them, placing your bag down on the blanket before reaching over and removing the leash from Rap Mon’s harness so he can run around with the boys. Getting comfortable on the ground, Yoongi offers you some bibimbap which you accept graciously, watching as, this time, your pup chases a laughing and giggling Taehyung and Jimin. Jungkook is sitting beside you, happily munching on his snacks as he watches YouTube videos on his father’s phone.

“Sorry about waking you up this morning by the way,” Namjoon apologises once again.

“Honestly, it was no issue. If you hadn’t I’d probably have slept in till about midday. Where are we by the way? When you said picnic at Seokjin’s, I thought we’d be somewhere around his building,” you ask, wondering about the long car ride and lack of buildings or people around.

“We are. Seokjin owns this area,” Hoseok says casually as he munches on some crackers. You stare at him, blinking dumbfoundedly.

“Seokjin owns… land?” you ask and the boys nod - as if it were the most casual thing in the world. Instantly, you deadpan, wondering why you even bother being surprised by how rich they are anymore. Of course, Seokjin just owns land. He was a chaebol after all.

“Technically my father owns it. He was planning on building new company headquarters here, but the boys loved it so much as I asked if I could have it and it just sort of turned into a private park,” Seokjin explains and you nod, wondering if they realisedthat having a private park wasn’t a normal, everyday thing.

Namjoon eventually calls Jimin and Taehyung back, enticing them with food and the lot of you sit, munching happily. Jimin and Taehyung are once again talking about their week in school, this time regaling their tales to Hoseok, Seokjin and Yoongi. They mention an upcoming play in which Jimin wanted to be the princess but got stuck being the prince while Taehyung got to be a dragon even though he really wanted to be the prince, the two of them complaining about the unfairness of it all. Jungkook for the most of it is laying down quietly, using Monie’s body as a pillow; watching Pokémon as your pup keeps him company, Jungkook sneaking Rap Mon his snacks every now and then.

At some point, Hoseok and Seokjin disappear into the forest with a small bag; your eyes follow them with curiosity, wondering what they are up to. However, once they’re out of your line of sight, you turn back to your conversation with the boys, listening and nodding as they continue talking about school, aliens, fairy tales and anything else their six-year-old brains can come up with it. Half an hour later, however, Hoseok and Seokjin return with big grins, throwing the bag down. You look at them curiously, eyes slightly narrowed as you wonder what trouble they’re about to start brewing.

“Okay so, Hoseokie and I decided a normal picnic was going to be too boring. Therefore, we devised a little game,” Seokjin begins and Namjoon immediately groans, most likely knowing the chaos that the two older men were going to bring about.

“What are you two up to? What game?” Yoongi asks, frowning at the two.

“Well, you see. We hid various ribbons around the forest. All ribbons have little prizes on them, anything from snacks to little toys,” Hoseok says and immediately Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook are interested, listening to the older guys curiously.

“But there is one special ribbon, and whoever gets that, gets one toy. Anything you could want, within reason, Seokjinnie-hyung will buy it for you,” Seokjin says and suddenly the boys are starstruck, bouncing up and down. Taehyung and Jimin quickly turn around, ready to run off into the forest but Hoseok and Seokjin quickly grab them before they can wander off alone.

“Hold up there. You can’t go alone, pick an adult to go with,” Hoseok says and all three quickly turn and latch themselves onto their father.

“I pick daddy!” the boys all call out at once and you have to resist the urge to laugh out loud. It was always endearing how attached the boys were to their father. Namjoon for the most of it looks panicked, unsure what to do about the situation.

“That’s not possible. You can’t all pick Namjoonie. You’re making hyungie sad. Do you not wanna go with me?” Hoseok asks with a pout and Jimin let’s go of his father, approaching Hoseok and patting his knee.

“It’s okay Hobi-hyung, I’ll go with you! Don’t be sad,” Jimin says, smiling brightly, eyes pulled into little half crescents and bright grin on his face. Reflexively, your heart lurches in your chest, your face crumpling at how adorably comforting Jimin is.

“I’ll go with Jinnie hyung!” Taehyung calls out, skipping over to the oldest and quickly grabbing the larger hand with his smaller, sticky one. Jungkook looks slightly unsure and you can practically see the gears in his head shifting - choose his father, or someone else.

“Come on Jungkookie, don’t make Yoonie-hyung sad. Otherwise he’ll have no one with him,” Seokjin pouts but your eyes narrow at the mischievous glint mirrored in both his and Hoseok’s eyes. Oh, they’re definitely up to something - you just can’t figure out what. Jungkook looks conflicted but eventually nods, moving over to Yoongi. Yoongi’s eyes narrow at the boys too, cocking his head to the side.

“Who is daddy gonna go with?” Jungkook asks and Hoseok and Seokjin immediately grin. Your stomach drops, dread filling you as you wonder just what they’re planning.

“Daddy’s just going to have to go with ____, isn’t he?” Seokjin says, eyes glistening with mirth. And there it is. They’re planning to get you and Namjoon alone because within the six months of knowing them, you had somehow developed a tiny teensy crush on Namjoon and somehow Hoseok had picked up on it – really with how nervous you could get around him, it was pretty obvious – and loved teasing you for it. You glare at Hoseok, trying to convey that the next time the two of you are alone, he’s dead but he simply laughs you off.

“Hey, no fair! I wanna go with noona,” Jungkook pouts and Namjoon only looks slightly offended that his son chose you over him.

“Ah remember the days when Namjoonie used to be Jungkookie’s favourite, but now its ____,” Seokjin says with a dramatic sigh, causing you to resist the urge to kick him in the shin because really you all know he’s purposely trying to push your buttons.

“It’s okay Kookie, you can take Rap Mon if you want,” you suggest and immediately Jungkook nods enthusiastically, watching as you hand Yoongi Rap Mon’s lead.

Finally, with the groups decided, everyone begins trekking into the forest. Taehyung grabs Hoseok and pulls him into the forest, the two of them rushing as they try to collect the ribbons. Part of you wonders if it’s fair considering Hoseok and Seokjin were the ones to hang them up and thus would know exactly where the ribbons are. Not one to be bested, though, Jungkook grabs Yoongi, pulling him and Rap Mon along because ‘we have to win hyung!’ Jungkook reasons. Although, with what you know about Yoongi, you know it’s most likely that he’ll somehow cheat and steal someone else’s ribbons.

You and Namjoon lazily stroll through the woods, unbothered about actually finding the ribbons because really, what would two grown adults need with children’s toys? It’s quiet enough that you can hear the rustling of the other boys through the forest, Jungkook and Taehyung yelling every now and then when they find a ribbon, although with Jimin and Hoseok’s team, it’s more Hoseok that you can hear than Jimin. You let out a little giggle as you hear a small argument coming from near you.

“That ribbon was ours, you stole it!” Seokjin yells in indignation.

“We found it first, so it’s ours,” Yoongi replies causing you to laugh again as your suspicions were confirmed. Yoongi had somehow figured a way to cheat, and apparently, that way was to follow Seokjin around and steal the ribbons before they could get to it.

“You followed us, that’s the only reason you found it!” Seokjin replies and you can almost imagine the way Yoongi shrugs with a completely faux innocent face.

“You never said following you was against the rules! Come on Jungkookie,” Yoongi calls out and the last thing you hear is Seokjin yelling for Yoongi to come back.

“Sorry about this,” Namjoon apologises and you laugh it off, shaking your head.

“For what reason? I’m having fun!” you say and Namjoon shrugs, rubbing the back of his head guiltily.

“I don’t know. I just feel bad because we woke you up and the boys kinda force you into joining us and now you’re stuck here wandering through the woods with me when I’m sure you had better things to do today,” Namjoon says as he pushes a bush out of the way for you to walk through.

“Okay firstly, stop apologising about waking me up. I said it was alright. And they don’t force me into doing anything, I really love hanging out with them, they’re fun to be around. But also trust me, I’d rather be here spending time with you than anything. I was just gonna sit in and watch Netflix with Monie, so inviting me out definitely made my day more interesting,” you reassure Namjoon with a bright smile

“If you’re sure. I just…” Namjoon sighs, rubbing the back of his head “sometimes feel bad because you didn’t ask to suddenly have three children thrust into your life and I know it can be a lot,” he continues responds, but you only shrug in response.

“Maybe- but honestly? I really am glad they were thrust into my life. They’re lovely children, you’d be completely heartless to not fall in love with them,” you say without thinking. Abruptly, Namjoon stops, looking at you with an unreadable expression. You’ve realised he does that a lot. Sometimes he just stops and stares at you, but his eyes are guarded so you have no idea what he’s thinking.

“You love them?” Namjoon asks and you blink owlishly, not even realising you had said that out loud. You ponder his question for a couple minutes, wondering if you did love them. But no matter how you think about it, you can’t help but know that yes, you do. It may have only been six months, but for some reason, you can no longer remember what your life was like before meeting them. Not only that, but you don’t even want to imagine a life without them, their father and their father’s best friends; because, somewhere along those short six months, they had become a big part of your life. One you wouldn’t give up for the world.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” you laugh cheerily, breaking the short silence between you two. Before Namjoon can reply however, you cut him off, “hey! That’s a ribbon isn’t it?” you call out, pointing to a ribbon tied around a branch.

“Yeah, I guess it is. It says one Kakao Friends Ryan mega body pillow,” Namjoon reads out and you freeze, looking at him in awe and wonder.

“What? Are you sure? Are you sure that’s what it says?” you ask abruptly, your eyes practically sparkling as you look at the ribbon.

“Yeah, I’m sure, why?” Namjoon asks, but you basically ignore him, as you begin climbing the tree

“I thought you didn’t care about the prizes?” Namjoon laughs, watching your efforts to scale the tree.

“Are you kidding me? Do you know how much that pillow is worth? Almost a hundred thousand won! I’ve wanted one forever but it seemed like a waste of money. There’s no way I’m passing this opportunity to get a free one,” you call out, silently thanking yourself for wearing jeans as you strain to reach for the ribbon. Namjoon approaches the tree, watching you from underneath.

“Just be careful! We don’t need you falling down,” Namjoon calls out but you shrug.

“It’d totally be worth it, trust me,” comes your immediate reply - Namjoon’s only response to chuckle at you. You shuffle further along the branch, tongue stuck out as you do your best to reach the ribbon. It’s almost in your hands: you just need to stretch a little further.

A couple of moments later, you finally grasp the ribbon. Victoriously, you squeal, pumping your hand in the air. However, in your victory cheer, you had somehow forgotten that you were precariously positioned on a tree branch. You let out a small yelp when you slip, Namjoon’s eyes widening as he runs under to make sure he could catch you, but you manage to catch yourself.

“Be careful,” Namjoon calls from under you and you nod, before turning around. Now comes the part you hadn’t thought through. How the hell are you supposed to get down?

“Um Namjoon, slight problem. I don’t think I can get down,” you say, looking at him in slight nervousness.

“What? How did you manage to climb up but aren’t able to climb down?” Namjoon asks and you let out a little huff.

“It just happened okay! It’s higher up here than I thought it would be,” you reply and Namjoon shakes his head in exasperation.

“You could jump and I could try to catch you,” Namjoon suggests and you look at him as if he’s grown three heads.

“Not a single chance in hell that’s happening buddy,” you immediately refuse. Namjoon laughs at your obvious distaste for his plan, but you ignore him, “okay I think I can do this” you say, analysing the situation. You try to crawl backwards, but your hands are shaky and it doesn’t help that you can’t see where you’re going.

Finally giving in, “Okay no I can’t do this, please help,” you plead, looking down at Namjoon.

“Jump! I’ll catch you,” Namjoon suggests once again and you let out a little groan, shaking you’re head. “____! Just jump. Trust me,” Namjoon calls out once more and you look down at his earnest eyes, biting your lip. Shakily, you nod, and then, sucking a deep breath while closing your eyes, you jump.

Eyes clenched shut, you feel the wind rush past your ears and then suddenly you’re in Namjoon’s strong embrace; his arms firmly wrapped around your waist. It would have all been well if it were as simple as Namjoon catching you. However, you’d both forgotten to factor one variable into your calculations and that variable was that Namjoon, for as sweet and dorky as he was, was inherently clumsy. The moment you land in his arms, Namjoon’s foot slips on the mud, and suddenly, the both of you are falling backwards. Namjoon’s grip on your waist tightens as the two of you land, his back taking the brunt of the fall.

Namjoon lets out a small groan and you still at the position you find yourselves in. Namjoon’s large palm is splayed out on your back, his hips between your legs as you straddle him. You stare, wide-eyed at him, Namjoon also freezing once he realises your positioning. Gazing deep into his molten dark chocolate eyes, you get lost in the dark depths of his chocolate orbs. An invisible pull calls towards the two of you, and you slowly near - your faces enclosing - lips almost touching. Then you hear rustling and suddenly everyone congregates around you. Both yours and Namjoon’s heads whip to the side, eyes wide as if you were deer caught in headlights.

Yoongi quickly turns away but you notice the small tugging of his lips as he stares at the trees. Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook stare at you in confusion, Rap Mon wagging his tail excitedly as he spots you. Seokjin and Hoseok however, look entirely too pleased with themselves. They’re both grinning widely: as if they’d found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Internally, you scream, knowing that you were never, ever going to live this down. Hoseok and Seokjin were going to tease you for the foreseeable future.

“Daddy? What’s going on?” Jimin asks innocently and you feel your face burn from his seemingly childlike question. Jimin’s words kick both your gears in and you and Namjoon quickly scramble to get into a safer position. Namjoon clears his throat, putting on his passive ‘father’ face but you can still see how red his ears are.

“____ found a ribbon but got stuck in the tree and daddy had to get her out,” Namjoon stammers out, trying to explain the situation.

“Oh yes, that’s definitely what was happening here,” Hoseok teases, both his and Seokjin’s eyes twinkling with mirth. You glare at them both, trying to stop their teasing but they only smile at you with faux innocence. Namjoon quickly stands up, dusting himself off before extending his hand out towards yours. You grab it, allowing him to pull you up as you too begin dusting yourself off.

“Are we all done? Did we get all the ribbons?” you ask in an attempt to change the conversation, and Jungkook lets out a bright grin, sticking out his hand that looks like it contains at least fifteen ribbons.

“We won!” Jungkook calls, swinging his fist around happily.

“Only because you cheated,” Seokjin suddenly calls out and you look taken aback at his sudden outburst. For most of it, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook don’t care. Instead, they’re sitting between themselves sharing their ribbons. However, Hoseok, Seokjin and Yoongi all stand in a circle, both Hoseok and Seokjin accusing of tailing them and stealing their ribbons. You let out a small giggle, at the two little groups, Namjoon shaking his head at them all.

“Oh?” you suddenly say, looking at the sky with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asks, Seokjin, Yoongi and Hoseok turning to you both, their heated argument immediately dying.

“I thought I felt a raindrop,” you reply, your lips downturned and eyebrows scrunched up.

“The weather forecast didn’t say it was supposed to rain. We checked,” Yoongi says and you nod before turning back.

“Maybe it’s just me feeling things aha,” you shrug nonchalantly, however, a couple of moments later, you hear the tell-tale pitter-patter of raindrops against the tree canopy as it begins raining.

“Oh sh-“ Yoongi says, catching himself before he swears in front of the children. You watch as Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok quickly shrug off their hoodies, holding them above the boys to protect them.

“Jin-hyung, call the driver. Boys come on, let’s go find somewhere to stand under,” Namjoon calls, ushering the boys towards him.

“____ go with Namjoon and the boys, Hobi, Yoongi and I will grab the stuff,” Seokjin says and you nod, grabbing Rap Mon’s lead from Yoongi as you and Namjoon usher the boys out of the forest and towards where the driver dropped you off.

“It’ll be a while before the car gets here won’t it?” you ask, one hand holding your own jacket over your head as well as Rap Mon’s lead, the other hand holding Jungkook’s hand.

“I don’t think so. The driver said he’d be in the area,” Namjoon replies. By the time the five of you find shelter under a large tree, all of you are completely soaked from the heavy rain. Five minutes later, Yoongi, Hoseok and Seokjin join you, somehow even wetter than you are.

“The driver said he should be here soon, so hopefully we don’t have to wait too long,” Seokjin says and you all nod.

Ten minutes pass and you begin worrying about standing out in the cold and rain; not for yourself but more for Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook who are still young and more vulnerable to any illnesses from the exposure. Just as you start getting antsy however, the large 7-seater car pulls up. You let out a small sigh of relief before quickly grabbing Jungkook’s hand, Namjoon doing the same for Jimin and Taehyung before ushering them into the car. Yoongi, Seokjin and Hoseok quickly follow you until you’re all crammed into the car, the kids sitting on whichever laps would take them while Rap Mon sits in the back with Yoongi.

Jungkook sits on your lap, his back pressed against your chest, and with as close as he is, you feel the way his little body shivers. Swiftly, and with a small tut, you pull him closer into your body, despite the fact that you’re as soaked as he is. Quickly, you began rubbing your hands up and down his arms, pressing him closer to your chest as you tried to create the much-needed friction to warm him up. Jungkook lets out a small whine, followed by a sniffle, as he cuddles closer into your warmth, his teeth continuing to chatter.

“Seokjin can you turn the heating on please,” you ask and he nods, flicking the button. Instantly, the car is filled with warm air and you let out a little sigh at the feel of the warmth against your chilled skin.

“I’d get comfortable if I were you, it’s a long ride back,” Seokjin calls out and you nod, letting out a small yawn.

You snuggle further into the seat, Jungkook snuggling into you. A sigh on contentment escapes your lips, despite how cold it is. Your clothes are completely saturated, sticking to your skin and your hair is dripping along your flesh, and yet despite that, the warmth from the heating as well as the feel of Namjoon and Hoseok on either side of you has you feeling much more comfortable. Before long, you begin dozing off, your forehead leaning against Namjoon’s shoulder. Feeling the weight on his shoulder, Namjoon turns to look at you, his eyes softening at the way both you and Jungkook look as you nap.

“You alright there Joonie?” Hoseok asks with a teasing smile and Namjoon narrows his eyes.

“Don’t think I don’t know what both you and Seokjin-hyung tried to do today,” Namjoon says, causing them both to snicker.

“Don’t act like you didn’t like it. We noticed the way you were staring at her,” Seokjin says and Namjoon grumbles.

“I wasn’t staring at her in any particular way,” Namjoon grumbles under his breath, Seokjin rolling his eyes in response.

“Please, you stare at her as if she hung the moon in the sky. And don’t even get us started on how you look at her whenever she’s with your sons,” Seokjin says and at that Namjoon immediately shuts up, pink dusting his cheeks as his ears turn a bright shade of fire truck red.

For the rest of the journey towards your house, Namjoon contemplates the words of his friends. He knows he has some sort of feelings for you, but between raising his children and his prominent music career, he doesn’t have a lot of time to dwell on it. All he knows is that he enjoys any and all time spent with you. There are times when his boys do something and all he wants to do is share it with you, such as when Jimin got his award for being the best at dance and all he wanted was to call you and gush over how proud he was. He loves the way you care for his children and how you’re always available for them. Not to mention, the level of patience you have for children that aren’t even biologically yours is incomprehensible.

Namjoon had long since given up on dating or finding another wife, disillusioned by his first love and consequently first wife. Besides, any dating attempts were already stomped by his career; not to mention, what girl his age would want to be saddled with a twenty-four-year-old who had already had three children. However, his hope had been reignited today by your admission that you loved his children and the more you interact with his children, the more and more he falls for you.

But despite how much he wants it, and how much Seokjin and Hoseok are pushing you onto him, Namjoon knows he cannot make this decision lightly. It’s one thing to introduce you to the boys as a friend, but introducing you as a potential love interest is different. What if it doesn’t work out? What if you break up? He couldn’t take the chance of giving the boys a potential mother figure who would just walk out again. He cannot let that happen. The boys are already so in love and attached with you, especially shy little Jungkook, that Namjoon cannot bear to somehow mess up your relationship in any way that would lead to you walking out on him and consequently them. It would be entirely too devastating.

Namjoon is pulled out of his thought when the car comes to a screeching halt. He jerks slightly, instincts automatically holding Jimin tighter to protect him. He looks around before realising they’re at your apartment complex. Ignoring the little disheartened lurch of his heart as he realised you’d be going home; he instead turns around and adjusts a sleeping Jimin in his hold, before placing his hand on your thigh and slowly shaking you awake. You let out a little whine, Namjoon’s eyes softening at the small action.

“____, it’s time to wake up. We’re at your apartment,” Namjoon says and you slowly blink awake, looking at him blearily. The first thing you spot is Namjoon’s face and immediately convince yourself you’re dreaming and thus letting out a sleepy smile you snuggle closer into him. You breathe in his scent deeply, letting out a little sigh of content as his signature scent of sandalwood and vanilla fills your senses. Namjoon freezes, unsure of how to react. Well, he knows how to react, he wants to wrap his arms around you and let you continue sleeping as he holds you closer. However, he knows he can’t do that.

He doesn’t have to contemplate for longer because soon Seokjin and Hoseok are giggling between themselves at the two of you. As soon as the sound breaks through your sleep fogged mind, you immediately stiffen before breaking away from Namjoon, back rigid as you take in your surroundings. Despair and embarrassment fill you, your heart hammering in your chest and entire face burning as you finally recognise that you’re not dreaming. You quickly stammer, unsure of what to say, and as Hoseok and Seokjin’s giggles fill your ears, you find yourself praying to any god out there to just smite you with lightning.

“We’re at your apartment,” Namjoon says, smiling reassuringly at you and you simply nod, unable to form words. You quickly, but gently, place a still snoozing Jungkook down on the seat before climbing over Hoseok and exiting. The driver opens the back door, Rap Mon jumping out as you grab his lead and your bag.

“Um thank you for inviting me today, I had fun,” you stutter out, face still heated from your actions.

“It was definitely fun having you ____!” Hoseok replies and you choose to ignore the teasing lilt to his voice.

“Text me when you get home safe,” Namjoon calls and you nod curtly, still trying to get over your own embarrassment. Namjoon smiles at you one final time before the driver drives away. You watch the car as it disappears, waving the entire time. Finally, when it’s out of sight, you use the hand you were waving with to smack yourself on the forehead.

“I cannot believe I did that. I should not have done that,” you say to Rap Mon, however, your pup simply cocks his head to the side, “and now here I am speaking to my dog in public like a crazy person” you groan out, realising that people are looking at you weirdly. You grab Rap Mon’s leash and lead him into your building, the scene from the car replaying in your head over and over, Hoseok and Seokjin’s giggles and Hoseok’s teasing voice filling your head.

They really aren’t going to let you forget.

A/N: Hiya! Just few points, real Rap Mon is an american eskimo dog i believe, but I just wanted to make intro her rap mon a samoyed. also can i just say i LOVE seokjin and hoseok’s characterisation in this story fkw

⇥ Masterlist | Chapter 5

[rhetoricalrogue]

31 Days of Wayhaven, Day 30

Prompt: Night Rating: G Words: 1,804 Characters: Cameron Buchanan, Nicolo Morelli Summary: This is the fic, if it were a show, that would be titled The Boys Talk About Their Feelings.  AKA, Unit Delta (D for Demotion!) field missions are boring as hell. Note: The mention of a certain type of shapeshifting animal is a nod to the Wayhaven Writers Group and a certain Saturday book club reading.

For the @31daysofwayhaven event.

Stakeouts were usually the most boring thing Nicky could think of doing.  Nothing usually happened on them and he hated staying still in one place.  At least this time he was partnered up with his Commanding Agent so the company was good and he didn’t have to sit out in his car freezing his ass off alone.

“You think there’s going to be any movement?” he asked, taking a sip of his coffee.  Drinking wasn’t the wisest idea he had, seeing that he’ll have to go out and find a tree or nearby bush take a piss behind sometime within the next hour or so, but the coffee was hot and he needed something to keep him awake.  Napping while doing boring surveillance was a surefire way to make sure that something important did happen that he would unfortunately miss.

“Probably not.”  Cam relaxed in the driver’s seat and grabbed a snack sized bag of chips he’d packed.  Stakeouts always made him hungry and it was one of the few times that he liked to indulge in junk food and convenience store ready made meals, especially if Nicky was around.  It was funny, the man had serious Opinions, capital O and everything, when it came to restaurant food, but the two of them could tear up a 7-11 if left alone without adult supervision, namely Penny and Winona.  “Looks like this is another wasted evening.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”  Nicky raised the night vision goggles he had been messing with and pointed towards some people who were walking away from their car.  “I think that’s a drug deal.”

Cam, who had no need for night vision goggles, tracked Nicky’s finger and rolled his eyes.  “Nick, those are kids.  They look like they’re twelve.”

“Then they’re out past curfew.  We should sneak up and scare the hell out of them.”

Cam gave him a disbelieving look before opening his chip bag.  “I’m not going to scare a few kids just because they’re walking home in the dark.”

“Spoilsport.”

“You want to be the next cryptid creepypasta on Reddit or somewhere, be my guest.  This isn’t the sixteen hundreds where you just had to worry about being stabbed if these kids were carrying knives, Nicky.  Kids these days are probably carrying mace and knives and I for one do not wish to spend my evening cold and covered in pepper spray.”

Nicky caught Cam mumbling especially when I could be spending my evening someplace better under his breath.  “So, scaring a few juveniles is out of the picture and we both know that tonight’s another wild evening of sitting in the car watching these two were...were-” he turned to Cam.  “What sort of shapeshifters are they again?”

“Bears.  The husband and wife are on thin ice for apparently attacking a home intruder.  They shifted into bear form while attacking her because they were afraid for their children sleeping upstairs.”

Nicky ran a hand over his face.  “You’ve got to be kidding me.  We’re dealing with the case that some of the agents are dubbing the Goldilocks Affair?”

Cam sighed.  “Look, I didn’t name it.  I feel bad for them, they were just defending their home.”

“Yeah, but they could have beaned her upside the head with a bat, they didn’t have to practically claw her to death.  From what I heard, the Agency had to go in as a group of doctors to memory wipe her and make her believe that she was out jogging in the woods when she slipped and fell down a ravine.”

“How did they make her injuries look like she fell?  I saw the file report, there were definitely bite marks involved.”

“You got me, you know how I feel about the Agency when they start doing shady shit like this.”

Cam nodded, grabbing the binoculars on the dash and looking around the area.  He paused when he saw the husband stare out the window, his hand at the curtain.  “I can’t believe that these people think that we’re here as security, just in case the woman has friends who figure things out and want to retaliate.”  He gave a brief wave back when the man waved at them. 

Nicky dug in the plastic bag full of food and pulled out a waxed package.  Unwrapping it, he took a bite of the handheld fried pie inside, the chocolate filling seeping out from the edges.   “I guess it’s better than them being paranoid and knowing that we’re here to look into them to make sure they don’t start making a habit of eating people in the privacy of their own home.”  Nicky stretched his long legs in front of him and started tapping a wordless tune on the car’s console as he chewed.  “So, you and Penny, huh?”

Cam stiffened.  He was wondering how long it would take for Nicky to bring that up. It had been a few days since Cam had told Nicky of his and Penny’s relationship, and he was surprised that it took their friend this long to start to pry again. “Yes, me and Penny.  I thought we went over this already.”

Nicky grinned and playfully punched him in the arm.  “We went over the fact that you and her were an item, and the fact that you were going to be a prude and not tell me a single sex-related thing, but we never really went over how the two of you went from sighing and mooning over the other when you thought the other wasn’t looking to holding hands and leaving socks on doorknobs.”

He rolled his eyes.  “There’s not much to explain?  I asked her out to dinner and made it clear that I wasn’t asking her out as a friend.  She agreed and we spent the evening talking about how much we wanted our relationship to change.”

“That,” Nicky spat, flopping in his seat and leaning his head back dramatically against the headrest, “has got to be the most boring of how I met my girlfriend stories I’ve ever heard.  Where is the drama?  The emotion?  The sizzling lust that finally gets to ignite after years of longing?”

Cam laughed.  “Sorry to disappoint.”

“This is the worst.  Twenty years, I’ve waited for payoff to all the pining and this is what I get?  Disgusting.”

“Well, we can’t all be you, Nicky.  When are you going to tell me about you and your surprise wife?”  As if by magic, Nicky’s phone lit up with a text notification from Isabela.  

“Speak of the devil,” he murmured, swiping at his phone and giving the picture on his lock screen a fond smile before opening up their chat.  “I told her I’d be working tonight, but she was free to text.  Didn’t think that you would want to hear me whisper sweet nothings into my phone or else I would have said that it would have been okay for her to call me.”

“Thanks,” Cam deadpanned, finishing his chips and digging into the bag for the sandwich he’d bought.  “But Nicolo, are you actually okay with this?  I mean, the woman put a spell on you that won’t let you die, didn’t try to find you and made it impossible for you to find her when she was pregnant with your daughter, and from what you told us, stabbed you to death when you went to meet her.”

Nicky shrugged.  “We all have our flaws.”

“Nicky, she killed you.  You were dead on her kitchen floor.  If that’s not a red flag that this relationship is toxic, I don’t know what is.”

“And I’ve been dead in many other places over the course of my life, that isn’t new.”  Nicky had a faint smile on his face as he finished texting.  “This, Cameron.  This talking with a woman and slowly getting to know her instead of heavily flirting just to get into her bed for a brief fling?  This is new.”

“And what do you think about it?”

“I don’t know yet.  Part of me doesn’t want to put too much hope in this working out because I don’t want to be disappointed if the other shoe drops, but part of me does want this to work out.”  He lifted his phone as it vibrated with her reply.  “I’ve gotten to know my daughter, Cam.  Having a family wasn’t quite the first thing on my mind back when I was still alive.  I thought I had time to play around and be the romantic, but really I was just being a fool.  And I’ve continued to be the fool all these years because it was easier to fall back on that aspect of my life instead of growing up.”

Cam shook his head.  “Come on, Nicky, I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit.  You’ve been a fine asset to this unit and there’s no one else I’d trust to have my back than you.”

“Thanks, you don’t know how much that means to me.”  He looked at him.  “And you know that I trust you and our team with mine. You’re my brother, Cameron, even if I am older than you by a few centuries.”

“Family is important, and I hope that whatever happens with yours works out for you.”  He paused.  “But really, what do you think will happen between you and Isabela?  Will you ask her to come here?  Would you leave the Agency?”

“I don’t know.  You know how Facility life is, Cam.  She’s a witch who’s had her own space for centuries, she’d hate it here.”  Nicky laughed as he took another sip of his coffee.  “Then again, could you see me as a civilian?  I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, especially since I wouldn’t have the same salary to buy all the shiny new gadgets I can get my hands on here, not to mention having disposable income to get bespoke clothing whenever I feel like it.” 

“I’ve seen stranger things, though I’ve got to admit, seeing you in a day job?  That would be the weirdest sight of all.  What would you even do?”

“I could always be a food critic.”

Cam snorted, but hid the sound by opening up a can of soda.  “Well, whatever you decide to do, I’m sure that you would be brilliant at it.”  He eyed him.  “And don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not pushing you out of the unit either.  I would love to have you around forever.”

“An eternity watching werebear houses and making sure that little tea shops run by witches were up to code?”  Nicky drained his coffee cup and reached into the bag for an energy drink Winona would have had a conniption over if she’d been there to see him drink. .  “Count me in.”

[tumblingdoe]

Day 2, 3, & 4 of Road Head

Thursday January 3, 2019

Nels is really good about getting up in the morning, hand-grinding and brewing coffee, then driving to our next destination. I’m more of a night owl so I’m good at sleeping through all of this -- except today. The wind rattled the RV so strongly that it reminded me of the shuttle launches I learned about at the U.S. Space & Rocket Center. I thought about how this adventure is like a launch into the unknown, an uncomfortable, fast-paced exploration, calculated by a huge team, and executed by few. Was I still willing to stay onboard?

I thought about the keychain I had gotten at the Rocket Center for this very trip, an astronaut and how supporters of Sexplanations are called Sexpla(i)nauts. The whole morning felt really sentimental. Especially when we arrived at our first destination: Pasco, Washington’s Country Mercantile which is like an indoor farmers market run by a grocer. I LOVE THIS PLACE!

A sexpla(i)naut named Dylan coordinated via Twitter to join us. I was thrilled. We ate breakfast and talked about sexuality. One of the special things I took away from our conversation is that fans of the show have a sort of built in sex ed software created from Sexplanations. So, when they have a question, there’s already a sense of the answer because I’ve programmed them. It’s not evil, it’s awesome!

Nels asked Dylan if he had questions for me and Dylan did, but he also said he knew to a degree how I would answer them and showed throughout breakfast that he was able to critically problem solve things I hadn’t talked about on Sexplanations from things I had talked about. I was a proud Lindsey at this moment.

I bought some cherry apple cider, huge apples, some onions, artichoke salsa, and tamales for a sex geek potluck Friday night. We got back on the road and drove again through the wind. The internet was fickle and this slowed my ability to help put out the week’s regular Sexplanations’ video. It went up smoothly anyway and Nels encouraged me to join him on a roadside hike to the top of Multnomah Falls. I thought to myself, “if you want exercise, let’s have sex!” but I knew it wasn’t just physical activity I needed. I needed fresh air and nature. To the hike.

By the time I was ready to be done walking up the trail there was a sign declaring we had done 1 out of 11 switchbacks!? I looked at the sign in disgust and proceeded to go forward. Just like with the Sexplanations Road Tour my belief was that a past me knew what would be best for a future me and even though present me would struggle, it would be worth it. I thought of a lot of metaphors on the hike and topics for Sexplanations’ episodes. I pondered how jumping into the 620 foot falls would be the fastest way down but then I’d be dead.

I did want Swedish meatballs, lingonberry juice, and retail therapy at Ikea before dinner at 5:30 and a speaking engagement at 7, so I ran down the mountain and got in the driver’s seat.

We did Ikea in 45 minutes -- got a cutting board, some floor mats, and cookware. Then it was off to Portland for real this time. Ethiopian food and my dear friend Ben from middle school were waiting for us. One of my greatest pleasures is eating with my hands.

After dinner, and just down the street was a meetup at the Sex Positive Education Events Center (SPEEC). As one attendee put it, “this might ruin it for the rest of your trip” because everything was so perfect. Angie, a sex therapist at SPEEC who’d coordinated everything with a day’s notice, had a projector for me to show Sexplanations, chocolates, comfy chairs, and a vibrator giveaway. The 20ish people who showed up were all spectacular!! We talked about sex positivity in the workplace, bisexual erasure, local resources, Nerdfighteria, the tour, and my experiences as a foster parent. I left with a gift of hand-made underwear and the overwhelming joy that Portland is in very good hands.

Afterward was second dinner with another dear friend and her partner. We went to the Chapel Pub where an organist was playing Sex Ed Rhapsody, “sex ed really matters. Anyone can see. Sex ed really matters. It really really matters to me.”  

Friday January 4, 2019

Thursday we stayed up late drinking tea with Ben and talking about the future before camping in his driveway like hardcore vanlifers. With all that tea imbibed, the RV plumbing was activated that night. (Since we were coming from frozen Montana we had winterized the plumbing so nothing would break but now that we’re in warmer temperatures and in need of a toilet regularly we have a semi-operational bathroom!)

Friday morning I ate RV breakfast -- Brown Cow cream top plain yogurt with Bernice’s Bakery granola from Missoula. It occured to me that I would run out of these items and there was a slight head tilt of mystery about five months of life without Missoula. We drove to visit Nels’ friend Jamie who had the day off from work and the two of them went on a hike in the forest while I took a much-needed shower and got some work done. I wasn’t able to fit 80 hours of assignments into three hours but I was grateful that I got to check some things off the list and have time alone.

When Nels and Jamie came back to the house we went out for Panang Curry. Ben met us and we talked about Blue Planet playing on the restaurant TV. I didn’t know that octopuses/octopodes could be magenta!

After food we all went separate directions. Jamie and Nels went to meet up with another friend and put a puzzle together. I took Ben to his house and then did a run to Fred Meyers for a mattress pad and some drawers to organize my art supplies. Lindsey driving around the city in an RV by herself is a badass!

The evening of Friday January 4, 2019

Nels and I drove to Gresham, Oregon about 40 minutes from where we were in Portland. The Sex Geek community was gathering for a short-notice potluck so I could spend time with kindred spirits. The house was beautiful and warm. Each person was so cool and the food was wonderful! It was like reconnecting with best friends even though these were people I knew loosely. We took a tour of the house, sat down picnic table style for dinner, then talked for hours. I learned that a handful of the sex geeks there had already been on tour, one of whom had taken on our very mission of providing sex ed around the country via RV. I learned about the Fisting Coven (of women who learn and practice fisting with supervision) and I discussed the infrequency of sexologists with children while smiling at a new baby nearby. I’m curious. Some of the guests did a nude photo shoot featuring an gorgeous apple flower dessert and others compared notes on how they were raised. Everyone had a pretty unique upbringing except two of us who had grown up the same age in the same 6,000 person town in northeast Ohio, competing backstroke on swim teams, and walking past the Hudson green clocktower for milkshakes. Two 37 year old women who became well-known sex educators.

I eventually brought up my fear of speaking at Oxford’s TEDx in February with one of the sex geeks who is a successful and talented public speaker.  He listened lovingly to my nerves and and boosted my confidence then retrieved a stack of colored notecards for me to write down and practice my speech over the next month. I knew what I was experiencing was a birth. Between my friends, the SPEEC meetup, and nurturing dinner party of colleagues I was being born into trust that this would all be transformative and meaningful.

Saturday January 5, 2019

Same morning routine, Nels made coffee and started the ignition. We had a brunch date with friends of his from college at their house. “At their house” is a great preposition when you’re road-tripping I’ve already learned because there’s a grounding feeling of front door, living room, bathroom, family dog etc. that you can’t get eating out at restaurants. AND the food is outstanding, made with love. This food was incredible, the black lab was so affectionate, and their toddler provided the ever so welcome shared activity of observing a tiny human being instead of outputting a lot of energy in small talk. I like Nels friends a lot!

After we left their place I felt an urgent need to take a nap and have sex, in that order. Nels and I are usually sex-multiple-times-a-day people but we haven’t prioritized it on the road. We got Costco gas, parked in the nearby lot, slept, then had much needed orgasms. I woke up hours later to Nels driving toward Eugene, Oregon where more of his friends had chicken masala for us “at their house.” I stayed in a relaxed state and committed to working later while they all socialized. As I write now they’re playing one of my favorite card games -- Bonanza, and I’m thrilled to be on a nearby couch, wrapped in a blanket, recalling day four. What a wondrous adventure I’m on.

[awkward-toshinori]

Hey Yo, can I get all 200 asks for the ask meme thing? Please and thank you!

Absolutely

200: My crush’s name is:

Horia

199: I was born in:

Romania

198: I am really:

friendly and trustworthy

197: My cellphone company is:

Digi

196: My eye color is:

Aqua Blue

195: My shoe size is:

7,5

194: My ring size is:

20?? hell if i know tbh

193: My height is:

5′7

192: I am allergic to:

nothing

191: My 1st car was:

I can’t drive yet!!

190: My 1st job was:

No jobs yikes :c

189: Last book you read:

Sword of Destiny!!

188: My bed is:

messy and full of plushies

187: My pet:

no pets but ahh  my baby plant

186: My best friend:

I’ve got tons of them and I’m pretty sure they know themselves

185: My favorite shampoo is:

ah I don’t really have any preferences

184: Xbox or ps3:

*big gasp* ps3

183: Piggy banks are:

They’re superb but I would feel so bad about wrecking one

182: In my pockets:

Glasses tissues

181: On my calendar:

uh there’s nothing noted yet

180: Marriage is:

Something quiet amazing and lovely, at least from my point

179: Spongebob can:

aww man I don’t watch spongebob

178: My mom:

is shorther than me, that’s for sure

177: The last three songs I bought were?

I didn’t buy any songs but I did buy albums and the last three I bought I suppose were Aenima by tool, Portrait of An American Familly by Marilyn Manson and Slipknot by Slipknot, I think

176: Last YouTube video watched:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9UafsiQ6k

175: How many cousins do you have?

2 or 3 I think

174: Do you have any siblings?

Yes, one

173: Are your parents divorced?

nope

172: Are you taller than your mom?

yes B)

171: Do you play an instrument?

Not yet but I’m planning on getting a bass so

170: What did you do yesterday?

I went to a cool concert

169: Love at first sight:

not rlly

168: Luck:

nope

167: Fate:

also no

166: Yourself:

no *oops doopsie I’m sorry*

165: Aliens:

yes

164: Heaven:

nah

163: Hell:

no

162: God:

nopety

161: Horoscopes:

not really

160: Soul mates:

hmm  a bit

159: Ghosts:

no

158: Gay Marriage:

157: War:

not really

156: Orbs:

not really  :/

155: Magic:

no but I find it interesting154: Hugs or Kisses:

hugs

153: Drunk or High:

I personally wouldn’t go for any of those but drunk ig

152: Phone or Online:

online

151: Red heads or Black haired:

black haired

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

ah, blondes

149: Hot or cold:

cold

148: Summer or winter:

winter

147: Autumn or Spring:

spring

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

vanilla

145: Night or Day:

night

144: Oranges or Apples:

oranges

143: Curly or Straight hair:

straight

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

McDonalds

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:

White Chocolate

140: Mac or PC:

PC

139: Flip flops or high heals:

flip flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

sweet and poor tbh

137: Coke or Pepsi:

coke

136: Hillary or Obama:

Obama??!!

135: Burried or cremated:

cremated

134: Singing or Dancing:

singing

133: Coach or Chanel:

coach

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

I uh, none

131: Small town or Big city:

big city

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

I had never went to one though Wal-Mart

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:

Adam Sandler

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

Manicure

127: East Coast or West Coast:

East Coast

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

Christmas

125: Chocolate or Flowers:

flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags:

disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox:

Yankees

122: War:

I uh personally don’t agree with them and uh dunno

121: George Bush:

Don’t have one yet

120: Gay Marriage:

I find it lovely but too sad it’s not legal here so

119: The presidential election:

Quiet stinky as in no good choices

118: Abortion:

See this topic rips itself in two, if it’s intentionally done I personally think it’s the worst thing to do but that someone can do whatever they want, it’s their body after all, though if it happens and it’s not intended just, big sad react

117: MySpace:

I don’t have an opinion on it

116: Reality TV:

I don’t really watch it nor like it

115: Parents:

I would’ve appreciated if my parents showed me more support and love but not that I have anything against our type of relationship at the moment so

114: Back stabbers:

I totally not like them so I choose to cut contact with them 

113: Ebay:

It’s fine till now

112: Facebook:

I’m not a big fan of Facebook

111: Work:

If it’s something I love, it makes me feel good but if it’s not it kind of brings a feeling of uneasy and frustration to me

110: My Neighbors:

They’re chill, the baby and the puppy are my favorites 

109: Gas Prices:

kinda shitty here

108: Designer Clothes:

They can design what they want however they want, this is not really a topic of interest for me

107: College:

I can’t wait to get to it ngl

106: Sports:

Not one of my interests but they do look fun

105: My family:

I tolerate them easily but yeah I love them

104: The future:

Other than that I’m scared as hell regarding the future? nah

103: Hugged someone:

Eh!! Today!!

102: Last time you ate:

7 hours ago??

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:

Oh last week I think

100: Cried in front of someone:

U H, yesterday

99: Went to a movie theater:

last thursday

98: Took a vacation:

last Christmas

97: Swam in a pool:

last summer

96: Changed a diaper:

never tbh

95: Got my nails done:

OH, it’s been ages since I’ve done that

94: Went to a wedding:

4 years ago

93: Broke a bone:

never nyehehe B)

92: Got a peircing:

I don’t have any but planning on getting some

91: Broke the law:

never

90: Texted: 

minutes ago

89: Who makes you laugh the most:

tbh, my friends

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

my stuff but mostly my baby plant

87: The last movie I saw:

Captain MArvel

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

finishing high school

85: The thing im not looking forward to:

Missing upcoming opportunities

84: People call me:

Satana(I have the perferct explanation)

83: The most difficult thing to do is:

talk in servers or groups tbh

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

Oh I’d feel terrible and embarassed tbh

81: My zodiac sign is:

LEo

80: The first person i talked to today was:

my boyfriend

79: First time you had a crush:

in 5th grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

My boyfriend.. because he knows when something’s up with me or if something’s not good

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:

hmmm weeks ago I think

76: Right now I am talking to:

@angelwings-234

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:

be a programmer 

74: I have/will get a job:

I hope to get one as a programmer in the future (though hell If I know what exactly yet)

73: Tomorrow:

I’ll probably hope for school to end faster just so I can nap

72: Today:

I haven’t done much tbh

71: Next Summer:

Will be so busy and I’m so not up to it

70: Next Weekend:

I’ll be going to a cool ass contest

69: I have these pets:

I have a baby plant!!!

68: The worst sound in the world:

static noise

67: The person that makes me cry the most is:

myself?? sounds a bit edgy

66: People that make you happy:

all the close friends in my life and some artists along with stuff I enjoy a lot

65: Last time I cried:

yesterday

64: My friends are:

There are too many to list them but luv them all

63: My computer is:

full of games that I’m probably not going to finish in the following 2 months

62: My School:

kinda sucks when it comes to students

61: My Car:

does not exist yet

60: I lose all respect for people who:

who are rude and big mean bags of shit?? I could detail this but dunno

59: The movie I cried at was:

Interstellar 

58: Your hair color is:

blonde

57: TV shows you watch:

SOA, Gotham when my bf watches it and I don’t really like TV shows though I have some on my waiting list

56: Favorite web site:

https://www.pbinfo.ro/

55: Your dream vacation:

just, somewhere around a forest, it’d be quiet lovely ngl

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

tooth pain

53: How do you like your steak cooked:

a bit raw tbh

52: My room is:

ass messy as me

51: My favorite celebrity is:

uhhh Corey Taylor

50: Where would you like to be:

Right now?? At my bf, if it wouldn’t bother him..

49: Do you want children:

ABsolutely

48: Ever been in love:

still am ig

47: Who’s your best friend:

I have too many but love them all so much

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

I have more guy friends apparently 

45: One thing that makes you feel great is:

achieving something

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

All of my best-friends tbh

43: Do you have a 5 year plan:

I do

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

Not yet and I doubt I’d do it

41: Have you pre-named your children:

me and my bf came up with some names but who knows

40: Last person I got mad at:

My bf i think

39: I would like to move to:

another city in my country, a much bigger one

38: I wish I was a professional:

artist

37: Candy:

Haribo

36: Vehicle:

Renault or Dacia

35: President:

don’t really have one

34: State visited:

I haven’t been to any at all

33: Cellphone provider:

Digi

32: Athlete:

I don;t have one yikes

31: Actor:

Hmm Benicio Del Toro

30: Actress:

I like some but I don’t have a favorite one

29: Singer:

Peter Steele, his voice is simply, lovely

28: Band:

Ohhh anon Tool and Cargo atm

27: Clothing store:

I don’t have a fav one

26: Grocery store:

any??

25: TV show:

Sons Of Anarchy

24: Movie:

The Alien trilogy

23: Website:

Twitter I think

22: Animal:

Cat

21: Theme park:

I don’t really have one

20: Holiday:

Christmas

19: Sport to watch:

ski jumping

18: Sport to play:

Volleyball I think

17: Magazine:

Don’t have one

16: Book:

The Shinning

15: Day of the week:

Saturdays

14: Beach:

Don’t really like beaches

13: Concert attended:

Truda’s concert for moment but I suppose Disturbing’s going ro replace it or maybe Cannibal Corpse, who knows

12: Thing to cook:

Pudding

11: Food:

Noodles or cremeschnitte

10: Restaurant:

One called Anna

9: Radio station:

don’t have one

8: Yankee candle scent:

dreamy summer nights

7: Perfume:

men’s one are my favorite, gotta admit it

6: Flower:

ORchids

5: Color:

purple and black

4: Talk show host:

don’t have one

3: Comedian:

A romanian one, can’t remember his name

2: Dog breed:

German Shepherd, American Eskimo, Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Siberian HUsky there are too many I can’t choose only one

1: Did you answer all these truthfully?

yes I did it oh god

[3monthsineurope]

July 6, 2019

Saturday Ingvar and I woke up around 7:30. Since we’re going to bed before 11 every night it doesn’t feel like I’m getting up early! Norman made us some breakfast burger sandwiches for breakfast, then Ingvar and I got ready.

Around 9 we took the suburban and headed into town. Our first stop was a bakery called Moonstruck Patisserie. Ingvar and his dad had been and had some super tasty treats. I got a dark chocolate and plain cheesecake, and Ingvar got an ube cheesecake (purple sweet potato). They were both soooo tasty! The Japanese ladies who worked there were so sweet and kind. We stopped by the grocery store to buy sunscreen and stamps, and we were on our way.

Our next stop of the day was Volcano Winery! I wanted to do a wine tasting. Ingvar drove us about 40 minutes and we arrived shortly after the winery opened at 10. It turns out that Volcano Winery is the most southern winery in the US! How cool is that? Ingvar and I both tasted 8 wines, for only $10 each! I bought a bottle of wine for us, for my last night in Hilo. Ingvar and I actually really liked all of their wines! Some were really fruity and tasty. We hit the road, and headed back towards Hilo. It took us about 50 minutes to drive back towards town.

Next up was some lava tubes! Outside of Hilo was the Kaumana Caves. I’ve been in a lava tube before, with Briar, on Italy’s Sicily. But this lava tube was 25 miles long! It was so humid outside that it felt really good to be in the cave. Ingvar and I used our phone flashlights and made our way in. I slipped a few times in the tube, but thankfully didn’t get anything more than a scrape. I was a little nervous to go into a small part of the tube, but I was more nervous of loosing Ingvar, so in I went! It was actually really cool!

Once we emerged from the tube, we immediately got sticky from the humidity. We decided to go get some shave ice near the farmers market! I was really wanting one good shave ice! Ingvar isn’t really into it, but he was going to share with me. We went to Kula Shave Ice. They do all their syrups homemade and from organic fruit! I ordered on with blueberry, strawberry, and mango flavors. Mine also had vanilla ice cream in the middle and homemade mochi on top. OMG it was so tasty!! I absolutely loved it and I’m so glad we chose this one to go to. Ingvar got some BBQ’ed chicken on a stick, and then we walked through the farmers market. I got a cute little gift for Iris, and then we drove back home.

Ingvar played some games while I napped for an hour or so. I woke up not feeling great, and I think it was because it was so hot in the room! I drank some water and Norman made us some hamburgers for dinner. Ingvar, Hans, and I were going on an adventure! We were going to stargaze at Mauna Kea, one of the two volcanos on the island. We left right before 5, to get to the volcano when there was still parking available.

It took us about an hour to get o Mauna Kea. We parked halfway up the mountain, at 9,200 feet up! Everyone has to stop at the visitor center, since the summit is so high up, they don’t want you to get altitude sickness. We got out of the car and realized the visitor center was closed (even though online it said it would reopen in July. A lot of Hawaiian websites aren’t accurate, I’m finding). Oh, well! We found a hill and hiked up it. We were above the clouds and it was so cool! We all dressed warm, because it was gonna be cold! We hung out on the hill for a few hours, taking pictures and watching the sun set. It really was beautiful!

After the sun set around 7:30, the stars came out. We stayed for about an hour, and honestly, it was the most stars I think I’ve ever seen! Ingvar and I have a star app on our phones and we could see Jupiter with our naked eye! I also saw the Milky Way for my first time, it was amazing! Earlier in the week we also saw Neptune, how cool is that? The moon was super bright, but besides that, there was no light around us! It was realllly cold though, so we headed down the hill once it got really dark. We stopped for a bathroom break, then drove home. We got home before 10, where I took a hot shower to warm up. Ingvar and I were pretty tired so I think we were asleep before 11 again. What a great day! :]

[travelingtheusa]

NEW YORK

18 Sep 2019 (Wed) – We spent the day getting ready for our move. We went food shopping and stopped in at Bagel Boss for lunch.  I don’t know how that place stays in business.  They are soooo slow.  It must be because they are the only bagel place around.  At 3 p.m.  I drove over to Travis & Sam’s to watch Lincoln.  Sam had work and Travis was taking the boys to karate.  We reviewed their finances and discussed options to resolve their issue.  In the meantime, Paul was watching Caiden back at the camper because Miranda and Kenny went to Meet the Teacher Night.

     It was quite cool this morning.  The heater is not working right.  It turns on and then shuts off.  This is an issue we will have to resolve before the weather gets colder.

 17 Sep 2019 (Tue) – It’s been a fairly busy week.  I attended a memorial service for a member of the American Legion Post on Thursday.  Gus Luhrs, past post and past division commander, passed away at the age of 86. He served 20 years in the Marine Corps and was in the Korea and Vietnam Wars.  He was the bartender at the post for many, many years.  I will miss him.

     We went to a dinner celebrating the 100th birthday of American Legion Post 411 on Friday the 13th.  It was held in the Marconi Lodge; not the post.  I guess they wanted to give everyone a chance to enjoy the celebration and not worry about set up and break down.  I was disappointed that few of the guys wore uniforms.  Not too long ago, everyone would have proudly worn their uniform.  The times, they are a-changing.  There were about 60 people at the event.  The food was ok but the company was great.  It was fun to see all our friends from the post.

     Caiden decided to skip church this Sunday.  Afterward, Paul and I went to the Bayside Clam Bar for lunch. The warm days are waning and I want to enjoy as much of the waterfront as possible before it gets too cold.

12 Sep 2019 (Thu) –I had lunch with my sister, Susan, today. We met at the Cheesecake Factory in Bay Shore and both enjoyed salads.  Later this evening, I attended a memorial service for an American Legion friend, Gus Luhrs.

 11 Sep 2019 (Wed) – Wow.  Things have been very, very busy.  We have spent time watching Caiden which takes full effort.  He likes to play pillow fights and pulls me into these all the time.  It’s either here in the camper or on the couch in his house.  

     I had lunch with my daughter, Gina, today.  We met at Cheesecake Factory and caught up on how things have been going since we last saw each other.

     Later today at 5:00 p.m., Paul and I went to a 9/11 memorial conducted by the Town of Islip next to Town Hall.  There were 15 fire departments represented there.  Lots of firemen and a bagpipe and drum band played songs that left you with a lump in your throat.  

 5 Sep 2019 (Thu) – We celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary yesterday.  We had dinner at the Texas Roadhouse.  We saw a posted sign that said they give a 20% military discount on Mondays.  We now have our new best eatery on Mondays!

    We had my brother, Dennis, and his lady, Denise, over for dinner on Tuesday (September 3).  I made chicken picata, potatoes, and green beans.  Everything came out perfect.  They stayed for two hours.  It was a very pleasant visit.

     Caiden started school yesterday (Noah started the day before on Tuesday and Hudson started on Wednesday).  We all walked Caiden down to the bus stop and waited over a half hour. The first days of school always sees the bus come late.  It was almost an hour late returning at day’s end; although there was a legitimate excuse – the town was out and picking up debris one block over and on our block. That held up traffic all over the area. Caiden seemed to enjoy himself on his first day.  His teacher’s name is Mr. Lolo.  Can’t wait to meet him.

1 Sep 2019 (Sun) – We took Caiden with us to church this morning. He was very fidgety and complained that it was boring.  Not sure how much longer he will go with us to church before he decides it’s not fun. We spoke with Pastor Doug and scheduled October 20 for Lincoln’s baptism.  

     After church, I let Caiden do some exploring and playing on the playground behind the building.  Then we went to the Clamside Bar & Grill at the East Islip Marina for lunch.  We all took a walk around the pier then returned home.

     Paul and I spent the afternoon doing yardwork.  As Paul cleared out some of the brush, I got a good look at the trees down on that back fence.  It looks like a much bigger area was crushed by our neighbor’s tree than it first looked like.  And he still hasn’t started clearing anything away.  I’m not sure what we are going to do about that.

     After naps, we sent out for pizza for dinner.  Hmmm Hmmm, good!

 30 Aug 2019 (Fri)

– Paul and I took Caiden to my sister Susan’s house today.  We spent the day swimming in the pool and visiting with Susan & Bill and Shay & Pat (her daughter and boyfriend).  The weather was lovely.

29 Aug 2019 (Thu) – Good news!  I had an appointment at Sloan Kettering this morning to find out the results of the PET and CT scans I had on Monday.  After only ten days on the chemo, the lymph nodes have already started to shrink.  My response to the therapy has been so good that I don’t have to come back for a month.  I thought I was going to have to go in every week for 5 or 6 weeks.  

     After the doctor, Paul and I went to Red Robin for lunch.  I had a margarita and cobb salad.  Paul had a beer and burger.  We were kind of giddy with relief and thoroughly enjoyed the meal. Following lunch, we stopped at Shop Rite and picked up some groceries then returned home to continue the yard cleanup.

 28 Aug 2019 (Wed) – It was cool this morning.  We had to wear jackets when we walked Bonnie this morning. The summer is coming to a close. There’s a kind of sadness and yet a feeling of excitement as we build up to the holidays.  

     There is a spider that builds a web outside my bedroom window every night.  I first spotted her during that thunderstorm last week.  When the lightning flashed, she was illuminated on her web.  She seemed to be floating in midair.  She comes out every night and stays until early light the next morning.  I watched her this morning as the sun came up and she climbed up and away to her den for a well-deserved sleep.  She is an orb weaver and measures about an inch and a half in length.  What a beautiful specimen of the insect world!

 27 Aug 2019 (Tue) – We went to church on Sunday.  Caiden decided to take the day off so he did not go with us.  Everyone missed him.

     On Monday, I went to Sloan Kettering and had both a PET scan and a CT scan.  They sure keep those rooms cold.  Brrrrr!  Since I had some radiation, I couldn’t go near pregnant women or small children for 24 hours.   I had to wave across the room to Caiden rather than get my Caiden hug.  At 4:30 p.m. today, I was sure to get my big hug. And it came with a great big smile!

     This afternoon, we drove to the V.A. in Northport.  I wanted to establish myself as a cancer patient and see about getting medicine as we move around the country rather than having it mailed to me every three months.  The doctor referred me to hematology.  There was no answer at the department so I have to wait for a call back.  I got an appointment with Audiology for October. Ugh.  I hate the thought of being here that long.  But, unfortunately, I think I will be here.  The doctor wanted to schedule me for a mammogram but I said I’d go with my regular radiologist.  She did schedule me to come back for a pap smear but I think I’ll just see my own gynecologist instead.  She seemed to be somewhat flustered by me.  She wanted to do all this medical stuff and I kept turning it down.  She wasn’t sure what to do.  lol

24 Aug 2019 (Sat) – The air is full of the sound of generators, chain saws, and leaf blowers as everyone cleans up after the storm. Seems like there are tree removal and PSEG trucks all over the place.  A company has been working on removing the trees from the two neighbors on the south side. We think they took out 11 or 12 trees in total.  We finally got power back on around 2:30 p.m.

     We met with the counselor this morning.  Afterward, we drove to the Clamside Bar at the East Islip Marina and had a late breakfast.  It is nice to sit by the water and watch the boats come and go.  There weren’t many people out on the water considering that it was a beautiful, clear Saturday and summer is fast coming to an end.  You’d think everyone would want to be out getting in their last licks for the season.

     When we finished our meal, we went home and took Bonnie for a walk. Then we drove out to Mastic Beach and toured the William Floyd Estate.  What history exists in our own backyard!  William Floyd was one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence.  Nine generations of the family lived on the estate from 1718 until they gave it to the National Parks Department in 1976. They originally had 4,400 acres. Over the years, family inherited the property and divided it among heirs, with just 673 acres remaining on the estate today.  The Floyd family was much involved in politics and several prominent people visited the estate to include George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison. During the Civil War, the family fled to Connecticut while the British occupied Long Island.  The house was pretty much trashed when they returned after the war but the Floyds were able to restore it.  The estate began as a two-story, 6 room house.  Additions were made over the years until it ended with 25 rooms, 13 outbuildings, and a family cemetery.

 23 Aug 2019 (Fri) – Wow! We had a hum dinger of a thunderstorm blow through last night.  The phone pinged a warning that a severe storm was going to hit in 15 minutes and everyone should seek shelter on a lower level in the interior of the house. That was different.  I’ve gotten many storm warnings but never one that told me to get to the middle of the house.  They must have expected tornadoes although the warning did not say that.

     At about 9:45 p.m. it began to rain.  Shortly after, the wind picked up.  Then the skies opened up and the thunder and lightning started.  We lost power after about 15 minutes.  We sat and watched the transformer on the pole blow. Then another one blew down the block.

     Finally, the storm passed and we all walked outside to see what kind of damage had been left behind.  Kenny had gotten out of work just after the storm ended.  He reported having to take a crazy circuitous route to get home because of downed trees and wires.  There were trees down at either end of the block.  The next block had a tree land on a car.  Over on the main road (Saxon Ave), there were two trees down at opposite ends, thus closing off the road to through traffic.  People were trying to go down the block.  When they couldn’t get through, they turned and went down our block only to discover they couldn’t get through that way either.  Our neighbor in the back on the south side had five trees go down.  Two landed on our fence.  Another tree came down on our fence in back on the west side.  That tree was also from a neighbor’s yard.  All our trees stayed put for this storm.  lol.

     We had gone over Trap’s house earlier to help him with an electrical problem he is having at the house.  Paul and he worked for over an hour but couldn’t solve the problem.  Sam and I went food shopping with the baby while the two older boys stayed home.  We picked up pizza on the way back home and shared a meal with them before going home.  Luckily, we got home before the storm hit.

21 Aug 2019 (Wed) – The church had their annual outdoor service on Sunday.  We took Caiden with us.  I guess the outdoor setting was too much for him.  He wanted to go play and squirmed and fidgeted throughout the entire service. Afterward, there were all kinds of foods in a potluck meal.  Everything was very good.  I really enjoy those potlucks!

     I really messed up today.  I was scheduled for a PET scan at Sloan Kettering this afternoon.  The test requires you to fast for six hours prior. I was watching Caiden and he asked for something to eat.  I got him a snack out of the refrigerator and without thinking, popped a piece of cheese in my mouth.  Yikes!  When I got to the cancer center, it turned out I was supposed to be there at 1:15, not 2:15 p.m.  Fortunately, the 2:15 appointment had shown up at 1:15 so they let me take the later appointment.  Unfortunately, I had eaten the cheese and couldn’t take the test.  I had to reschedule for next Monday.

     I started chemotherapy on Monday.  I am taking Ibrutinib once a day.  So far (knock on wood), I am not having any side effects.  Reading all the warnings, I have been fully expecting diarrhea and vomiting.  Maybe it will come after the chemical builds up in my body.  I have to admit that I am afraid of this drug.  It interferes with the production of white blood cells. This lowers my resistance to infection. I have to be careful about keeping my hands clean and avoiding sick people.  It is something I have to learn to live with since I now have to take this drug for the rest of my life.

     The saga with trying to get Miranda financial help goes on.  Social Services turned down her request for financial aid as well as food stamps.  The department has a requirement for certain categories of persons to be referred to New York State HQ for examination when applying for Medicaid.  We have to wait and see what happens there.

17 Aug 2019 (Sat) – We saw the counselor this morning.  She was empathetic to our situation and gave us some suggestions for dealing with our adult children and their issues.  Afterward, we drove to Bayside Clam Bar at the East Islip Marina for lunch.  It is a great time of year to sit down by the water and just enjoy the season.  All too soon, the cold weather will be upon us.  

     We stopped by the thrift shop at church and helped move tables and chairs from the storage area to the door.  Tomorrow will be our annual outdoor service and potluck. We were staging the items by the back door where they would be taken down to the yard.  Paul found a pair of super cool looking glasses for Caiden. They look like some kind of futuristic robot apparatus.  They have a battery pack and when you turn it on, blue lights come on either side of the glasses.  They also have a magnifying glass that folds out in front of the right lens.  He loved them!

 16 Aug 2019 (Fri) – It’s been a pretty quiet week.  I got my hair cut this morning.  It was good to see my hairdresser.  She moved down to the Carolinas years ago and comes up about every 3 or 4 weeks.  She said it was too hard to start a new following down south so she just continues coming back to New York to see her customers.  I am glad about that! She is the only one who can get my hair right.

     I went to visit my niece, Jennifer, and her new baby, Ava.  She delivered about a month ago.  My sister, Susan, and her other daughter, Sharon, joined me.  The baby is adorable.   Susan picked me up in her new red Tesla, of which she is very proud.  It rides pretty nice.

     Later at 5:30 pm, we went over Travis & Sam’s to watch the boys while they tore up the carpet in the upstairs hallway and put down new flooring. First we played outside.  Then we followed Noah and Hudson on their bicycles around the block (they rode; we walked).  Then we drove them to a nearby playground and let them play for a while. Interestingly, Noah pulled a book out of the book exchange and sat down on a bench to read while Hudson climbed all over the playset.  Two very different boys!

     Finally, we capped the night with a trip to Carvel.  The ice cream was delicious but needless to say, their parents weren’t too happy about all the energy they came home with after the sweet treats.  It is good to be the grandparent!  You can spoil the babies and not suffer the aftermath.  Sweet!

11 Aug 2019 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  Caiden is spending the weekend with his other grandma so he wasn’t with us.  It seemed like everyone missed him.  Everybody we spoke with asked about him.  He is pretty popular.

     After church, Paul and other folks helped to unload furniture for the church’s garage sale in October.   I went down to the thrift shop and helped them sort baby clothes.  They got a donation with dozens of outfits. We put them in bundles of six and marked them at fifty cents for the bundle.  It must have been clothing from a store that closed.  There is no way they could have all come from one family. Many outfits were brand new, some with tags still attached.

     We went to Sagtikos Manor for a tour of the historical home.  The land was purchased from the Secatogue Indians in 1692 and a 4-room house was built in 1697.  The home was purchased by a wealthy family and over the years, more rooms were added until it now has 42 rooms.  It was fascinating to hear the history of the property.  The Gardiner family, one of the wealthiest in the area, owned the home in addition to Gardiner Island.  They also had several homes around the Island and in New York City. In 1963, the house was put into a foundation trust.  The property was sold to Suffolk County in 2003.  What used to be 1,400 acres is now just 10 acres of land.  There is a cemetery, a walled garden, a carriage house, and a buttery on the property.  British soldiers occupied the manor during the American Revolution. The newly elected president, George Washington, slept in the house during a tour of Long Island in 1790.  There were many delightful pictures and prints hanging on the walls.  The family kept everything and all the furnishings were from the period.  We really enjoyed the tour.  Here was something in our own backyard that we never explored.

10 Aug 2019 (Sat) – Caiden keeps us amused.  He is a charming, sweet soul.  I went over Trap’s house Friday night and got to read the boys bedtime stories.  It was fun. We went bowling with them on Wednesday. They are two very ener- getic boys! The night was quite interesting. Hudson and I had the same score for almost the entire game.  I pulled it out in the end and broke 100.  I think he got eighty something.  Pretty good for a 4-year old (or bad for a 67-year old).  :-}

     We’ve been keeping busy.  Paul went down to the church and power washed the fence in back and the front entry way. We will be having an outdoor service next Sunday and Pastor Doug wanted the area to look nice.  I helped out in the thrift shop for a couple of hours. There were a couple of boxes with baby clothes in them.  I took them for Lincoln.  

     I went down to Social Services with Miranda.  I am trying to get them some financial aid as well as food stamps and Medicaid.  It took over an hour just to fill out the application form! We left without seeing anyone after sitting for a couple of hours.  An agent called Miranda later and told her she did not qualify for financial aid. Her $160 a week disability check combined with her husband’s $177 weekly unemployment check is considered too much income.  WTH??? That comes to $1,348 a month.  Who can even find rent at that price?  Plus electric, car insurance, phone costs, education loans, etc., etc., etc.  The agent is sending forms to Miranda to fill out and submit.  DIDN’T WE JUST DO THAT???  Talk about aggravation and frustration!!!

6 Aug 2019 (Tue) – We brought the truck down to Safelite Glass today to have the windshield replaced.  We have had a ding in the passenger’s side since 2015 when we were in Alaska.   It often interfered with the pictures I tried to take through the front window.  This year, we got another ding in the driver’s side of the windshield.  It was time to replace it.  We dropped the truck off and walked up to Main Street. The café we were looking for was no longer there.  We wound up having bagels and coffee at a deli.

     At 3 p.m., I went in to relieve Miranda from childcare duties.  I took Caiden to the playground at the local elementary school playground.  He had a great time!  I told him he deserved an Italian custard at Rita’s.  When we drove there, we found the shop closed permanently! What a bummer.  So we drove a little further down the road and “settled” for Carvel ice cream. Caiden was not disappointed.

     We went to Cavanaugh’s Bar & Grill tonight.  We met Joan & Peter, Pat & Fred, Ginny & Milton, and Johanna & Thom at the bar.  The restaurant had a $14.99 special for a 20 oz. porterhouse steak.  It came with onion rings, baked potato, and a vegetable.  The food was very good.  It was a fun evening.

 4 Aug 2019 (Sun) – We gathered up Caiden and headed off to church this morning.  Paul’s sister and husband, Joan & Peter, showed up at church, too.  After service, we went to the Bayside Clam Bar at the East Islip Marina with cousins Lee & Donna and friends Fred & Pat.  It was a beautiful day on the bay.  I took Caiden down by the docks where we watched folks putting in and taking out boats and jet skis.  He was very impressed with the jet skis.

     After we dropped Caiden off back home, Paul & I drove to Willie’s Appliances, a scratch-and-dent retailer.  We bought a washing machine for the house.  The one in there now has gotten out of balance and dances all over the room during the spin cycle.  When we got home, Paul switched out the two washers.

3 Aug 2019 (Sat) – Yesterday, we took the three grandsons to my sister’s house to swim in the pool and lunch.  It was like trying to keep ferrets in an open-top box.  It couldn’t be done.  They were all over the place and not as obedient as we would have liked. Having additional adults to help out wasn’t enough.  At any rate, I believe the boys enjoyed the swim time and my sister really went out of her way to provide a varied menu for everyone.

      Today, we enjoyed an unplanned adventure.  While scanning Facebook, I came across a posting of a friend who plays in a band.  He advertised that they would be down at the East Islip Marina playing at the Bayside Clam Bar and Grill from 10 to 1.  We went there for lunch.  I had lobster roll and Paul had fried shrimp.  The music was delightful, the bay breeze was balmy, and the sky was blue. It was so nice to sit and listen to the 3-piece band play while watching watercraft (boats and ski jets) come and go.

31 July 2019 (Wed) – I almost wound up in the hospital today. I took a new supplement – a proteolytic enzyme.  Then I took the dog for a walk.  About ten minutes into the walk, the palms of my hands started itching.  At first, I thought it was one of those lucky itches.  You know, the kind where your palm itches and you’re going to come into money (or pay money)?  But then it got intense, almost burning.  My stomach started in next.  Although I got the heaves, nothing was coming up.  I barely made it back to the camper.  Then the vomiting and diarrhea started.  I was so weak, I could barely stand.  I lay there wishing Paul would come into the trailer so I could have him call an ambulance.  The vomiting finally subsided and I lay on the bed trying to recover.  Next, the bottom of my feet began to itch, then my whole body.  As I sat there trying to scratch everything at once, red blotches started breaking out on my legs.  At that point, Paul came into the trailer and realized I was having a severe allergic reaction.  He ran down to the drug store and picked up some benedryl.  That stuff is great!  It worked almost instantly.  For the rest of the night, I sat in the lounge chair nodding in and out.  It was one scary experience!

     We have been busy working around the house.  The men’s softball league at church had the last two games of the season on Monday and Tuesday.  We went down to watch.  Our team lost.

    Both Paul and I went for an annual physical. My appointment was on Monday.  It turned out to be a Medicare Wellness Check. I spent an hour and a half answering questions from a nurse who input everything into the computer.  I could have stayed home and put the information in the computer myself!  What a waste.  The nurse was very apologetic and said that Medicare does not allow for an annual physical exam.  If you want to see the doctor, it has to be scheduled as a follow up to a condition or an illness.  We went to the desk and changed Paul’s status for his checkup the next day.  I made an appointment to come back for an EKG.  I won’t get any bloodwork but Paul did. What a screwed up system!  I was very happy with my health insurance before they forced us to go on Medicare. I can’t imagine what will happen if everyone gets put on Medicare like the current presidential candidates are touting!

28 July 2019 (Sun) – We took Caiden to church with us this morning. Afterward, we stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast.  We couldn’t get any fries (they don’t cook them until noon), so we cut up a pancake and fed it to the gulls.  There has been a significant change in the kind of gulls prevalent on Long Island. There used to be black backed gulls all over the place.  Now we don’t see any.  There are laughing gulls flying around.  I wonder what happened to the gull population.

     When we returned home, we worked around the property.  Paul cleaned out the gutters on the house and garage.  I bundled up branches from the trees Paul trimmed or cut down.  It was so hot.  We were both drenched in sweat.

26 July 2019 (Fri) – We had dinner with my brother, Dennis, and his lady, Denise, at Chili’s Grill tonight.  Dennis is working as an usher at Island 16 and gave us two free tickets. We can’t use them on a Friday or Saturday and are restricted from going to a Disney movie during the first two weeks of a new release.  Otherwise, we can enjoy the movies for free.  That was a very nice gift.

     My sister’s daughter, Jennifer, delivered a baby girl on July 24.  Ava Shea checked in at 8.9 lbs.  I just love that name!

25 July 2019 (Thu) – We drove to Port Jefferson Station and had lunch with Travis and his family.  He gets an hour for lunch and works close enough that he can go home for his noon meal.  We shared McDonald’s while the boys showed off their pool and playing skills.

     At 6:00 p.m. a French bulldog came running into the yard barking and barking.  It wouldn’t let us touch it but it wouldn’t leave either.  The dog honed in on Kenny and when we all stepped away, it walked with Kenny into the backyard where he secured it.  Paul walked up and down the block looking for its owners (it had no collar), but couldn’t find any.  At 6:45 p.m., Miranda and I drove to Bohemia to Maguire’s Comedy Club to watch a comedy laugh-off.  My brother, Dennis, was performing and we went to support him.  We had dinner and drinks.  The food was excellent.  The comedy was hit or miss.  Apparently, comedy is not easy to do.  We left before the show was over at 9:45 p.m.

     When we got home, Paul told me that the woman across the street claimed the dog.  It is not chipped and they take the collar off when they put the dog in its crate. It somehow got out and they didn’t miss it for several hours.  Oh, well. It’s a happy ending any way.

 24 July 2019 (Wed) – It was a busy day today.  First destination was the TSA Pre-Check booth located in a Staples store.  I brought my birth certificate, marriage certificate, and driver’s license.  The clerk took my picture and fingerprints.   The charge was $85 but is good for five years.  What the pre-check does is to allow me to go through the security screening line at the airport without having to take my shoes and belt off, and to leave a laptop in its computer case.  Next, we’ll have to get Paul the pre-check.

     We then drove back to the camper to get Bonnie.  We took her to the vet to see if we could find something that can be done about her chronic diarrhea.  She has also been showing signs of arthritis in her paws.  The vet prescribed Tylan for the diarrhea and gabapentin for pain.  We’ll see if that helps.

     After dropping Bonnie off at the RV, we went to the dentist where I got my teeth cleaned.  Paul had been there on Monday.  He has a small cavity that will need filling.  My checkup was perfect!

23 July 2019 (Tue) - Well, the parents are back.  Whew!  What a week. There is a reason children are best raised by the young folks.  Our 5-year old grandson sure had us running around from dawn to dusk.  Caiden slept in the camper every other night, alternating with his bed in the house.  We went through an incredible heat wave and, at one point, we just stayed in the trailer all day and night.  Poor Bonnie had to be put out every time Caiden came in.  She does not like him and for some reason, she tries to go after him. That breaks my heart because if she ever does bite him, we’ll have to put her down.  

     Ok.  Some of the things we did over this past week.  I saw a doctor at Sloan Kettering in Manhattan.  The doctor said the disease is well advanced and I should have started two years ago when it was first discovered.  She described the same options that Dr. Ahmed in Texas offered – a pill for the rest of my life, an intravenous protocol as a temporary stopgap and going on the pill after a time, and a new treatment whose performance is not yet known.  I asked to have my case transferred to the satellite clinic on Long Island.  If I had to go into NYC, it would drive me crazy! I had to take a train and two subways to get to Dr. Noy’s office.  I don’t know how people can live like that – like cattle being pushed along by all the other bodies traveling underground.

     We took Caiden to the library where he had a great time playing with the toys.  We also went to playgrounds and chased each other around as his imagination conjured up monsters, pirates, and Darth Vadar from Star Wars.  We drove to Port Jefferson Station and picked up our other two grandsons and took all three boys to the movies to see Toy Story 4.  Poor Paul.  Each boy had to go to the bathroom twice.  Paul would take one while I watched the other two, then he would drop that one off and take the next one.  They all had to go in the middle of the movie, too.  While we enjoyed our time with the boys, we certainly won’t try doing that again unless there is at least one adult for each child and an extra grown up for back up.  The energy level is incredible.  It was like trying to keep ferrets in a box.  Can’t be done.  We took Caiden to visit my sister, Susan, in Hampton Bays.  He loved swimming in the pool.

     We were able to go to church last Sunday and this past Sunday. It was so good to see all our friends. The pastor announced our presence and the congregation clapped their greeting.  We enjoyed catching up with everyone.  

20 July 2019 - Haven’t forgotten you!  Just been super busy watching our grandchild while his parents are gone. My blog will be back in a few days.  Thanks for your patience!

12 July 2019 (Fri) – We got a call from our son at 1:30 p.m. that he had been scalded and needed to be picked up.  Apparently, he had tried to open the radiator cap while the car was still hot.  Our truck was in the shop to have the real pinion seal repaired so we borrowed Miranda’s car and drove to Commack to get him.  He had been drinking and refused to go to the clinic with us.  The car was towed away and Travis just walked away. We left and drove to the shop to pick up our truck.  I cooked dinner tonight.

 11 July 2019 (Thu) – We left West Point at 9:55 a.m.  Although the distance to Bay Shore was only 102 miles, it took us three hours with all the traffic on the road.  We pulled in around 1 p.m.  After set up, we visited with Miranda, Kenny, and Caiden.  Kenny drove Caiden and me to Lake Grove where we got their cell phone problems fixed.  We had pizza for dinner.  

 10 July 2019 (Wed) – It was a lot of driving around today with very little results.  First was the KOA in Plattekill.  We were looking for another campground besides the one we are at that is near West Point.  It was a very nice campground.  The manager said he could also coordinate bus tours into New York City as well as the surrounding area.  That peaked our interest!  We wanted to bring the group to the city but didn’t want the hassle of trying to shepherd 44 people around all the people and traffic.  

     We then drove to the U.S. Military Academy.  First stop was at Thayer Hotel Restaurant.  We went in and had lunch, then stopped by the check-in desk to ask for the group sales manager.  The coordinator came down to see us.  Although she wasn’t the one to coordinate our kind of group (she’s does weddings, birthdays, and celebrations), she gave us contact information for the other coordinator.

     We then drove off the base to the Visitor’s Center.  Although there was a tour desk in the center, they told us to go across the street to the Bus Tours Office.  We went over there and were given a website to check out.  It has the various tour options listed.  Then we drove back on base to the West Point Club. The woman we spoke with was on the verge of going to a meeting but gave us a website to check out for menus and various meal options.  We looked at some of the rooms available in the club.

      After wandering around the grounds for a bit and trying to look in some of the buildings (they were almost all locked), we headed back to the campground. So when we get internet again (the cell phone and wifi signal in this campground is almost nonexistent), I’ll have to investigate the options for touring the U.S. Military Academy.

 9 July 2019 (Tue) – We left Watkins Glen at 8:55 a.m. and drove to West Point, stopping for a quick bite to eat at Wendy’s.  We pulled into Round Pond Recreation Area at 2 p.m.  It is a military campground associated with West Point Military Academy.  We had thought it would be good to have the caravan stay here but this campground would not be good for our group.  It is a little too rustic for some folks, the sites are close in some quarters, and the campsites are spread out around a large pond.  In addition, the water and electric hookups are on the wrong side of our RV.  I’m not sure all campsites have that issue, but ours does.  There are no sewers but they do have a dump station.

     Once we were set up, we grabbed the laundry and threw it in the washers in the laundry room.  There were three machines in the room; one had a sticky note on it that said “Ate $2 July 9.”  I surmised that person lost $2 in the machine today.  So we didn’t use it.  

      After we put the laundry away, we took a walk with Bonnie around the lake.  It is very pretty here.  I love all the greenery.  We have been on the west coast for over a year and around desert and cacti.  I didn’t realize how much I missed the trees. It’s lovely.

 8 July 2019 (Mon) – We drove to Corning Glass Museum this morning. They have really expanded the museum since we were here 48 years ago on our honeymoon.  We spoke with the group sales coordinator and got the information for the museum, a tour, a glass making experience, and a catered meal. We then drove down the street to the Rockwell Museum.  Their tour takes 45 minutes to one hour.  We may leave this museum for folks to go to on their own.  We’ll see.

     We drove by a couple of campgrounds and gathered information on availability for group camping.  The town of Watkins Glen campground – Clute Memorial Park & Campground – looked very promising.  They are located across from the beach on Lake Seneca.

     We had lunch at Sorges Restaurant in Corning.  I had a cheeseburger wrap.  It was ok but nothing I would buy again.  We then drove around Lake Seneca, stopping at a couple of vineyards for tastings.  When we got back to the KOA, we went in and got contact information for the owner. We also picked up a few souvenirs for the grandkids.  It was a fruitful day.

7 July 2019 (Sun) – We packed up and left Bath at 10:15 and drove to the Watkins Glen KOA, which was only 40 miles away.  When we pulled in, we recognized that we had been here back in 2007 when we drove up to pick up our first fifth wheel RV.  The part they put us in at that time was brand new. They have added some other buildings and cabins since then.  They wouldn’t let us into the campground until 12 noon.  We had to keep ourselves busy for five minutes then passed through. The wifi in this park is non-existent. In addition, the cell phone does not work well either.  We must be a valley or something.

      After set up, we drove into the town of Watkins Glen.  It is very touristy.  Watkins Glen State Park was packed with people.  We stopped at CPT Bill’s Seneca Lake Cruises to get information.  There was a restaurant next door that is also owned by CPT Bill’s.  We stopped in there as well to find out about group meal options and costs.  After walking along the boardwalk of Seneca Lake, we drove up into the state park to look at the campground.  It was too tight with narrow turns and lots of trees.  It would not work for our group.

     We stopped for lunch at Nickel’s pit BBQ.  I got ribs and Paul got wings.  We didn’t care for either for the food.  It was overdusted with dry rub and actually seemed to be gritty.  After lunch, we drove to Watkins Glen International. It is a NASCAR race track.  In town, they painted the crosswalks in a checker flag pattern.  The street signs have race cars on them.  We had trouble finding an entrance into the park.  After driving around the place, we finally discovered an open gate.  The office was closed.  There were cars racing on the track – we could hear them. There is a campground at the track and we wanted to find out about it.  Finally, we discovered an employee who answered our questions.  He said they only allow camping during special events. Guess that won’t work for our group either.

 6 July 2019 (Sat) – We went into the campground office first thing this morning to get information about group reservations for the caravan. Then we drove to Letchworth State Park. Letchworth is called the Grand Canyon of the East.  It was over an hour away.  Although we thought it was such a great place when we came here 30 years ago, it didn’t look so great today.  You couldn’t really see the gorge or canyons or river because of all the trees.  I guess having just come back from seeing the national parks out west made us a little jaded.  

     We then stopped at a campground near Letchworth to check out the place for the caravan.  They didn’t have everything we wanted for the group so we won’t be camping there.  We had lunch at the Iris Glen Inn.  It was the house of Mr. Letchworth converted to a restaurant.  The upper falls were visible outside the window.  The food was good.  The drive back was under rainy skies.

5 July 2019 (Fri) – We packed up and left Lockport at 9:15 a.m.  We drove 12 miles to a nearby campground to dump the tanks.  The Elks Lodge recommended dumping at the nearby waste treatment plant but when we went to look at the site, it turned out you would just open the spigot over a grate that covers a collection tank.  The cover had bits of toilet paper and other debris on it.  Ugh!

     It was an easy drive to the KOA in Bath.  We stopped at a Pilot station and got lunch at Subway.  The campground is a little tight.  It is pretty big with over 200 campsites.  We are parked on the grass in a pull through. A couple used to be managers at the Watkins Glen KOA and bought this KOA in Hammondsport/Bath in February.  They were selling pulled pork sliders for dinner. The baked beans were too sweet, the cole slaw was bitter, and the pulled pork was very dry.

     After we got set up, we drove to the Glenn H. Curtiss Museum to gather information for the caravan.  We then drove down the road to Bully Hill Vineyards and enjoyed a small snack in the restaurant.  We sat out on the deck and watched a thunderstorm grumble and growl its way across the sky.  Down the road was the Finger Lakes Boating Museum.  Their complex used to belong to Taylor wines.  We were there about 8 years ago and had a wine tasting.  Since then, Coca-Cola had sold the wine division. Sales decreased and Taylor wines were sold to a couple of different owners until, today, only their dessert wines are being sold (Taylor Flagate and Port).  The Taylor Wines complex is now mostly closed with parts of it being sold off.  The boating museum owns one of the buildings and is in the process of buying another two of them.  It will be a pretty big museum in two years.

     We returned to the campground just before the skies opened up and the rains poured down.  Sheba spent several hours hiding in the closet.      

4 July 2019 (Thu-Independence Day) – It was a quiet day for us. We went over Kevin & Joy’s daughter’s home for a barbecue.  Their son-in-law, Justin, made a variety of delicious appetizers to nosh on before grilling hot dogs, hamburgers, and coonies.  Coonies are a popular barbecue food for the upstate folks.  It is a kind of mild flavored sausage.  That led to all of us talking about different foods peculiar to areas around the country.  It was a funny discussion.

3 July 2019 (Wed) – We went to two wineries this morning.  I found wines I liked (the Niagara wine has a wonderfully distinctive taste) but Paul did not find a good one.  We went to Tom’s Diner for lunch.  It was small but the service was good.  We both had salads that were huge!  At 4 p.m. we drove to Buffalo to visit a campground there. With all the information we are collecting, we are starting to form an idea of how we want the caravan to run in the Buffalo/Niagara Falls area.  Since we are thinking about using a tour bus, we want to keep the cost of the campground down.  There are not many nice campgrounds in this area.  Just the two resorts on Grand Island with sites over $100 each.

     We met Kevin and Joy at Texas Roadhouse for dinner.  The food, as always, was great.  We enjoyed their company very much.  They invited us to join them at their daughter’s house tomorrow for a BBQ.

2 July 2019 (Tue) – We drove into Niagara Falls today.  The intent was to find a nice restaurant in which to have a dinner for the caravan.  It was incredibly crowded and there was construction that made navigation around the area difficult.  We got frustrated and finally gave up.  We drove into town and had lunch at the Pearl Street Grille & Brewery.  It was rated #1 of 234 restaurants in Niagara Falls by Trip Advisor.  I don’t know what criteria they used to rate these restaurants, but this was certainly NOT a #1.  There were six booths, two tables, and six chairs at a counter.  They served pub food.  I got Beef on a Weck.  We’ve seen that on several menus now and I decided to try it.  It turned out to be a roast beef sandwich where they dipped the roast beef in au jus then put it on the roll.  It only made the bread soggy (and I HATE wet bread).  The meat also had some grizzle in it.  Paul got a tuna melt and it came without any cheese.  We really didn’t feel the place deserved to be rated #1.

     After lunch, we stopped at the Underground Railroad Heritage Center.  They mentioned Harriet Tubman frequently but had very little about her in the center.  It was very small and basically boasted of how the folks in Niagara Falls helped escaped slaves cross over into Canada.

     We then drove to Youngstown to Old Fort Niagara.  The group tours manager was not in and the clerk gave us her contact information.  We have to call her tomorrow.  When we stepped out, we saw the Buffalo trolley shuttle.  It provides a shuttle from Niagara Falls to Buffalo with 14 stops along the way.  We asked about a tour and the bus driver gave us contact information.  We’ll have to contact that lady tomorrow, too.  

1 July 2019 (Mon) – We brought the truck to Ford to get it inspected this morning.  Kevin & Joy met us for breakfast at Bob Evans.  After breakfast, we went back to the campground where they are parked. After a brief visit, we returned to Ford to get the truck.  There were (supposedly) several lights out that they had to replace.  We paid $139.12 and went on our way.  We drove into Buffalo to the Buffalo Naval and Military Park on the Eric Canal.  They had three ships there: The USS Croaker (a submarine), the USS Sullivans (a destroyer), and the USS Little Rock (a missile cruiser).  There was also a small museum on the second floor of the visitor’s center and gift shop.  We spent three hours climbing up and down stairs as we explored the three ships. It was fun.

     We drove to the Pearl Street Grill & Brewery for a late lunch. The food was excellent.  On the way back to the Elks lodge, we stopped at Lockport Locks & Eric Canal Cruises.  They have a very nice program for lunch followed by a two-hour ride on the canal.  It will be a definite venue if we do the New York caravan in 2021.

30 June 2019 (Sun) – We drove to several campgrounds today to check space availability and options.  Of the four we stopped at, two are possibilities.  One charges $102 per night and the other charges $113.  Yeow! That’s a lot of money.  There’s a possibility we can negotiate prices at one of them because we have to call back to speak with the owner.  

     We also stopped at the Niagara Power Plant to see about a tour.  The manager was out and will be in tomorrow afternoon.  We’ll have to call back.  

     We stopped at a restaurant on Lake Ontario for lunch.  We sat up on the second floor out on the deck.  It was too windy to put the umbrella up but there was a brisk wind blowing that kept the sun from feeling too hot.  As we were eating, there was a sudden CRACK and a tree across the street split.  A large trunk with wide spread branches came crashing down.  How it avoided hitting the power line next to it or the cars parked in front of it, is beyond me.  There was a guy walking his dog in front of that tree not two minutes before.  The angels were watching over everybody.

29 June 2019 (Sat) – We left Youngstown at 8:45 a.m.  Although the sky got cloudy, the rain held off.  The drive took us through Pennsylvania into New York.  We stopped at a travel center when we crossed into New York.  It was crazy!  The place was so crowded.  There was only one facility on the west side of the thruway.  Those on the eastbound side had to cross an overhead bridge.  We each got a slice of pizza.

     We arrived in Lockport at 1:30 p.m.  We are staying in an Elks Lodge in the back parking lot.  After set up, we went in and paid for our site.  At 3:30 p.m., Kevin & Joy, a couple who was on our Utah caravan, met us and we all went to an early dinner.  The food and company was good.  After we returned to the lodge, Paul and I went food shopping to pick up groceries and to Pet Smart for Bonnie’s food.  When we got back, we looked through brochures for activities in the area.

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What were you doing an hour ago? I was driving home from UP. I wanted to stay longer since I hadn’t been to school in a month and I missed the environment, but I also wanted to beat the traffic so I drove out by like 4 PM. When did you get up today? 3 AM. I had a calltime of 6 AM for my internship (we ran a media event today) and whenever I have a ridiculously early calltime, I always make myself wake up a couple of hours beforehand so that I have time to actually wake up and not end up cranky. I dunno if that makes sense but it works for me. Is there anyone that could make your day if they showed up at your house? Right now not really. I’d rather have my me time for the rest of the day haha. Do you live west of Ohio? Nope. Do you live east of Colorado? Anddddd nope.

Does your middle name begin with a A, M, or S? My maiden name starts with an A. How old was the last person you rode in a car with? I last rode a van with a bunch of journalists who probably ranged from 20 to 30 somethings. What color was the last vehicle you were in? It was white. Do you have big plans for the weekend? Not big but I’ll be pretty busy this weekend. Saturday morning I’ll be part of a journalism workshop hosted by my org, followed by Pride March in the afternoon. By Sunday, I’ll be ushering in my university’s graduation because I want to see my good friends who will be graduating :’( How many of your top friends have tattoos? How long have you lived at your current residence? 11 years this August. How long has your ex been your ex? She was my ex for around six months before we got back together. When was the last time you were up at 5am? Today. Ugh. Have you ever kissed your #4? What was the last movie you saw in theaters and who did you go with? Rainbow’s Sunset, with Gabie. When was the last time you went bowling? Not sure, but it was the earlier half of 2019. How about swimming? Start of June. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No. The Eiffel Tower? No. The Great Wall of China? No. When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? I don’t go fishing. How old were you in 1999? A year. How many funerals have you been to this year? None, and my parents don’t make us go to funerals anyway. But more than that, fortunately no one we know has died this year so that’s a better reason why I haven’t gone to one lol. When was the last time you spent a night stargazing? Yikes. I don’t really get to do that in the city... Are you taller than 5'6"? Hahahaha, nope. No one in my immediate family got the height gene. What was the last thing you cooked? HAHAHA Who were the last three people to call you? Gabie, my mom. They’re the only people I’d answer a call for, plus Angela. What were you doing last night at 10 PM? I was finishing up my late late dinner before heading to bed. Did you go to daycare when you were little? Not a daycare, but my mom used to take me to Sta. Lucia and would leave me in an indoor kiddie playground service while she would do the groceries. I have very hazy memories of it, but they’re memories that I remember nonetheless and I’m glad to see that the place is still standing strong with the same logo and same setup. Do you have a favorite pillow you always sleep with? Nah. I just need a pillow that I use for hugging and I can fall asleep fast. When was the last time you slept in someone else's bed? Last Friday. Are there any candles in the room you're in? Yep, but I don’t think we’ve ever used them. My mom probs just wants them around for decor. If you turn around, what is behind you? A window and a pair of curtains. Would you dye your hair hot pink for $50? I’d need to be paid much more for that hahaha. Have you ever had someone like you that you didn't like back? A little bit, yeah. Do you know what you'd have been named had you been born the opposite sex? No. My parents said they never thought about that chance. Do you have any step or half siblings? I don’t. What is your profile song right now? OMG, ok so this isn’t a thing anymore but I used to be OBSESSED with embedding playlists onto my blogs. One song I can sharply remember putting on my Multiply account was Rihanna’s Rude Boy WHEN I WAS 11. No idea what it had been about but it was bopping hard as fuuuuuck, so off to my blog it went. What is your #1's profile song? How many people have you kissed in the last 48 hours? Just one. The last week? All the same. The last month? Stilllll the one. Do you regret any of them? No. What would you do if your #2 showed up on your doorstep this very minute? If you switch 'e' with 'a', 'n' with 'c', & 'l' with 'x' what's your name? Robyc? When is the next time you will see your #3? Would you ever visit a nude beach? For funsies, sure. When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? I don’t remember. Maybe during the weekend. Do you take any prescription meds? I don’t. What happens if you don't take them? What color is your underwear? Yellow. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don’t remember most of my dreams. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? I’m pretty sure it’s a hand-me-down from my mom. Where was the last place you spent more than $50? I never spend that much in one go. Where is your favorite place to be kissed other than the usual place? Hair, neck, shoulders.

Do you hate getting hickeys? Noooooooooooo. Who was the last person to hug you? Kim, when he left earlier. Are there any buttons on the clothes you're wearing? No buttons. How about zippers? Nope. What percent of your day includes music? Probably like 30%. It’s part of my drive going to and from home. Have you had any fruit today? As surprising as it sounds, yeah. We had a buffet for lunch earlier and one of the dishes was fish fillet topped with mango. Now I hate fruits, but I didn’t have breakfast today and I was hungry and willing to eat ANYTHING. Who is on your mind right now? No one. Just thinking about how hungry I am now lmao. Are your fingernails painted? Never are. Do you keep a diary/journal? I treat this as one so I’ll count this as one, so yes. In how many years will you be thirty? Nine years. I’m gonna be enjoying my 20s for a while. Do you set your marshmallows on fire when you roast them? I don’t really get the chance to roast them. Do you prefer your tea sweetened or unsweetened? Sweetened. Have you ever dated someone whose name began with 'D'? Their surname starts with a D. Have you ever kissed someone whose name began with 'K'? No. Have you ever hugged someone whose name began with 'E'? Nope.

What scent is your favorite perfume/cologne? It’s sweet and fruity. Have you showered today? Yes, the first thing I did this morning. When was the last time you took a nap? Mmmmmm it’s been a while. I think it was two Saturdays ago. What are you plans after this? More surveys. Got out of work early today so I wanna take advantage of the free time haha.

[sophocused]

02 02 2019

my brain is tired dududududuu~

wrote notes for 3 hours and my hand hurts, wish I used today for interval studying but I woke up late (1pm) after staying up til 4am. very not my norm aaa but I sort of dont regret it bc my commute from work home last night took 2 hours. in those 2 hours a lot of things occurred downtown in my waiting for my late bus that were off-putting to say the least.

I immediately went on to do my first online test for psyc bc although it's open until 11:59:59pm I dont like the feeling of my day revolving around it. it was a 50 min test, much harder than I imagined it would be, but taught me what kind of information I need to really focus on while studying/teaching myself. I got 28/40 (70%) which is not too bad since the test is worth 10% of my mark. Next one is on March 2nd, I'll make sure to really prepare for that one! I need to start working on my essay for the class too, that's 30% of my mark.

I got 100% on my anth quiz though, which was a little mood boost since my first 2 quizzes I would only get 90%. Each quiz is thankfully only worth 2% of my mark and fairly easy, like high school biology.

watched suckerpunch extended version with my sister last night and it was v nostalgic. it wasnt a perfect movie, but it was an interesting one. lots of holes in plot and lots of convenience writing but I love the badassery always. (sad to see the only two poc girls get killed, amber was my fave)

I made champorado with my sister last night (chocolate rice in my culture) and it was delicious. I accidentally made too much, but it was soo good that it was majority of what I ate today haha...

I did laundry and took a while to shower today. I cleared some of wires bugging me about my room floor, too. I'm working on making my Saturdays way more productive than they are, like girl, shower!!

I did major skincare stuff tho which I dont regret, and didnt end up starting notes until about 8:30pm and finished around 11:30pm

it's currently 12:04am and I'm tempted to finish the champorado because I realize I didnt eat enough today, but also I cant sleep with my overflowing trash bin by my desk staring back at me. Also because my pillow cases and blanket are still in the dryer.

I have church with fam that I have to wake up at 7:15am for, and then we'll go on our usual breakfast date. Once we get home, I know dad will go to sleep, so that's when i hope to catch a quick power nap, work out for an hour, then focus on notes for majority of the day with cleaning and folding here and there.

I'll also be planning my whole week from there.

This post has been like a mind map for me heh, I'm off to change my trash bin bag because this is bothering my energy.

good night I hope you're all well 💛

[michaelhalberstamapartments-blog]

LARRY KING LIVES LIFE IN OVERDRIVE

Larry King, the rumbling voice of midnight questions, stares at Pat Buchanan, the White House director of communications. King's eyes are intense and prying, his chin is jutted toward the target, his lips are parted to give the impression that he is hanging on every word, about to interrupt but holding back to wait for a gem.

Except for six hours of sleep every 24 hours, Larry King keeps this expression all day and all night.

King's schedule puts demands on his phenomenal energy at an all-time high: He does a daily, hourlong interview show, Larry King Live, for Cable News Network, which reaches more than 300,000 households. He then does The Larry King Show for Mutual Radio, which has been cut back to a live four hours, with the first hour recycled for a five-hour package that reaches 3 million to 5 million people a week. In between these obligations, he writes two newspaper columns. On his slow days, he travels to sports arenas and does color commentary for Home Team Sports -- its audience by mid-June standing at 100,000. Once a month he does a worldwide talk show for the Voice of America and his next guest is scheduled to be Ronald Reagan.

"Certainly I have a weird life. But I like everything I do," says King. At the end of his workday (and night), his companions and staff feel like they just took the red-eye from California in non-reclining seats. Millions of people work two or even three jobs to make ends meet. But, for perhaps the first time in his life, King isn't worried about money. Mutual alone is paying him a reported $2 million on a five-year contract.

Strangely enough, King, 51, never seems to be in a hurry. Lean with a bit of a belly, he moves at the deliberate pace of a batter stepping up to the plate. The voice and metabolism are fed by coffee and cigarettes. He rarely drinks. A long time ago, he mastered naps -- he takes them during the five- minute news breaks on the radio show.

The time is now 11:30 a.m. King already has dressed, taken mucho vitamins and one aspirin -- "because the late Dr. Michael Halberstam told me to" -- worked for an hour on his personality column for USA Today, haggled a bit with an editor on his next book, talked with an insurance company about his daughter's graduation present of a Firebird, and complained that he was missing that night's Orioles game. Before 4 the next morning, he will stop another three times and ask, "Am I crazy?" and then "What is my real complaint? I can't have dinner when I want to, I can't see the KING, F-3

baseball game. But what if I had to be a librarian? No, instead, today I'm going to talk to Pat Buchanan and Harry Blackstone."

This is how he survives.

He eats lunch at Duke Zeibert's, dinner at the Palm. He gets one of his daily calls from his daughter, Chaia King, 17, and his oldest friend, author and consultant Herbert Cohen.

He doesn't prepare beyond his daily consumption of several newspapers, backed up by information from his contacts and his nearly 30 years behind the mike.

"I work with an acquired dumbness, a street dumbness," says King. That means he tries to think about what Joe Citizen would want to know.

From 5 to 9 a.m., he sleeps. He wakes up without an alarm. He tries to nap from 3 to 5 p.m., but the telephone jangles. Sometimes he calls someone personally to ask them to be on the show, such as New York Gov. Mario Cuomo, his first guest on CNN.

It's now 12:15 p.m. King is at his daily table in Duke's in full view of the glass doors. He has ordered coffee and is nibbling on the onion rolls. When his platter of fruit and cottage cheese arrives, he largely ignores it. He talks about his forthcoming book. "Sterling Lord is the agent. He's the kind of guy, you have dinner with him and they remove the plate, you have the crumbs, he doesn't have any. Impeccable," says King.

Bill Aber, the general manager of cable TV's Home Team Sports, tells a King endurance story: "On Wednesday, April 4, 1984, King had done his regular show, then he flew to Cleveland to do a luncheon banquet, then he had to meet us in Baltimore for our kickoff. The game was rained out and at 6 p.m. Larry interviewed celebrities for our party. Then he left at 7 to go to the Capital Centre to do some color on the Caps. Then he did the Wednesday all-night show."

In the last month King spurned offers from every major network and syndicator, says his agent, and renewed his contract with Mutual. The perks include 12 Fridays off and four weeks of vacation each year and a new luxury car every two years. Now he is driving a gray Riviera, on which Mutual put an "L King" vanity license plate, which King hates. Since the phones started lighting up on Jan. 30, 1978, when he was heard on 28 stations, he has built his affiliate stable up to 262 stations. His is the only talk show ever to win the prestigious Peabody Award. In the last few weeks, he signed with CNN for a reported $200,000 over three years. Once that show gets rolling, King says, he will tape a couple of shows a week.

He has had cameos in two movies -- Ghostbusters and Lost in America -- and television will increase his recognition by sight, not just sound. July 12 is King Day in Baltimore. Where once the Mutual show was taken on the road to build up audiences, now it's taken out to satisfy demand. In the next few months it will travel to the All-Star Game in Minneapolis, and to media gatherings in Nashville and Dallas.

It is now 8:15 p.m., the start of his evening's work.

Walking into the television studio, he says, "you got to be pretty weird to be doing radio, television and newspapers. Godfrey used to do it. I'm tired right now but . . . something about that light going on . . . I can't explain it."

Makeup is applied to his face and hands. Then King and Buchanan are facing each other.

At 10:20 p.m. he is at Mutual's studios on the 12th floor of a suburban Virginia highrise. This is home, behind the microphone, checking out the baseball game, doing promotions for a new station. During a commercial break he will do a 2 1/2-minute interview with Harry Blackstone Jr., the magician, for something called Larry King in Focus. On Saturdays the network runs The Best of King.

King has been in one studio or another since 1957, when he moved to Miami after finishing high school in Brooklyn. In Florida he quickly established himself as a radio interviewer, added a newspaper column and did commentary on Miami Dolphins games. But he ran into some well-publicized financial troubles, which forced him to leave broadcasting for four years. In 1979, shortly after taking the Mutual job, he filed bankruptcy for $350,000 in debts. Because of his past financial difficulties, his money is now handled by Bob Woolf, the agent he shares with Doug Flutie, Larry Bird and Gene Shalit. King says he gets a $150 weekly allowance.

Now it's 11:50 p.m. He glances over a press release and talks about his approach.

"You need the ability to listen. A lot of broadcasters don't know how to ask a question. One of my idols, Jimmy Cannon, could pick up every detail but he couldn't ask a question in the locker room. You have to keep it spontaneous, always be curious. I have a good memory, I never expect the answer. I don't think I am a better interviewer than I was at 25. I can relax people."

"Jimmy Hoffa embodies everything you want in an interview, except one thing. You want someone with a chip on their shoulder, passion, a little bit of anger, the ability to relate to the question and to talk about their business. But he didn't have a sense of humor."

At 12:06 a.m., his jacket is off and cigarette dangling. Blackstone is sitting where Gerald Ford, Bob Hope, Dizzy Gillespie, Mel Brooks, Milton Berle, Sophia Loren and scores of others have sat.

At 3:55 a.m. he gets up from the chair, stretches and says he feels really tired. He doesn't hang around the studio. "We have entertained and informed the callers, and we only reach 1 percent of the audience," says King.

He ads: "I don't think much about it. I don't take it home with me."

And he goes home. But he'll be up again in four hours. Making that face.

B7

[losingitinjersey]

Who spent 11 hours in a car and went to a party and didn’t completely ruin her keto diet?  Oh yeah.  

Saturday morning I got up early to finish the month strong with my walking then came home, showered, and we were on the road to Maryland by 11:45 a.m. when we immediately hit traffic.  Lovely.  One of Kevin’s best friends lives four hours away (without traffic) and was throwing an early Fourth of July party.  Since we hadn’t seen them in almost a year we decided to drive up!  

Obviously, any time I’m taken away from my normal routine of eating I get nervous but I think I handled the temptations pretty well.  Right before we got to their house we stopped at the store for chips and beer for the party and I grabbed some beef jerky and mixed nuts for us in case they had no keto options.  I ate a bunch of both to help fill me up so I wouldn’t be as tempted when we got there.  

Throughout the evening I had... 

Half a Fireball cupcake (haaad to try it)

Half a blondie (that was seriously the best thing I’ve eaten all year and I STILL only ate half!  *pats self on back*)

1/3 of a beer (I wasn’t intending on drinking but Kevin handed me a beer when we were in the pool.  I tried to give it away but no one would take it.  I sipped it for a bit then gave it back to him to finish)

I successfully avoided all the chips, buns, s’mores, chocolate and Fireball.  Kevin even tried to hand me chocolate bars and I said no!  At breakfast on Sunday we went out to iHop and I ordered an omelette instead of all the fluffy pancakes with copious amounts of syrup.  It wasn’t until I was adding it into MFP later that day that I saw it had 20 carbs... Kevin researched it and learned that iHop puts pancake batter into their omelettes to make them fluffy.  Mthrfcker.  Wish I had went for the Cobb salad I was choosing between. Oh well, I tried.  

About an hour after we arrived at the party we decided to get into the pool since that’s where most people were so I went inside to change.  I didn’t have a towel nor did I bring a cover-up or anything I could have put on over my suit.  I was looking around at all the other girls and every single one of them was walking around with either a towel around their waist or shorts on.  Right before I exited the bathroom wearing only my one-piece suit, with legs and thick thighs bared for all the world to see, I took a deep breath, pep-talked myself in the mirror that it’s not a big deal, and walked outside.  I walked over to where we were sitting talking to other people and sat down in my chair, crossed my legs and pretended I wasn’t feeling naked.  I swear for a split second I see the eyes of two people sitting with us grow wide as they saw me walk over.  I like to hope that maybe they were thinking, “wow, look at how confident she is” and not “wow, wtf is she doing walking around like that.”  Five minutes later we get into the pool and have a great time cooling off.  

The highlight of the party was that we got to hold an itty bitty baby bunny!  Kevin’s friends live on a 5 acre property with over 30 chickens/roosters and a dog and their dog apparently got into a bunny’s nest and kidnapped this little guy.  Some kids found it, put it into a cup and brought it over to their mom.  Unfortunately, the cup wasn’t empty so the bunny was not only stolen from his home, traumatized by being inside a dog’s mouth, but also almost drowned in water before being manhandled by humans.  Kevin was put in charge of this bunny for the evening (there eventually was another baby bunny found as well) and tried to comfort it and see if it was going to be okay.  A few hours later once the party died down and the dog was inside we put the bunnies back in their nest hoping their mom would find them again and take them to safety.  

When we got back home on Sunday evening I went out for my walk so I could kick July off with a bang!  Hoping to be able to walk more miles than I did in June but I sure set the bar high for myself!  Taking a page out of @heavyintoeveryth1ng‘s blog and update with a progress tracker:

July: 5% completed 5.07 miles walked Goal of 103 miles

What a weekend!  I’m ready for a nap now.

[erinelezabeth920]

Days 17-18: - Quito

Day 17:

It was Saturday. It was a tired day. I woke up late. I hadn’t slept in since god knows when. Not too late though because that damn equator sun shines right through my window. I went down around 8am and had breakfast with Monica; she thought I was going to Quilotoa today instead of the day before. My Spanish was probably off. I was hoping she would do my laundry today because it was beyond tragically low (hadn’t been washed since the hospital, since I arrived to Quito). She said something that the lines were all full (air dry clothing after hand washing), and she would do it tomorrow. Damn. After breakfast I went upstairs and diddled around until 10:30am. At 10:30 I headed out the door wearing shorts and a T-shirt (still held out hopes for laundry, maybe…). It was bright and sunny out. I wrapped my scarf around my shoulders. I tried out a different bus route to the Spanish school which sent me the completely wrong direction, so I just grabbed a taxi instead. I waited out on the steps for a few minutes until Kat showed up. Star showed up directly after; we sat on the steps and chatted, trying to ignore the gazes of the men at the barber shop next door. Soon a younger woman showed up, who we figured out was our tour guide. Michela, either a friend or daughter or something of one of the Spanish teachers was a local college student who was studying history and tourism. She wanted to practice giving tours, so the teachers asked if any of us were interested. It seemed like a nice way to spend a Saturday.

Mike and Ana arrived a few minutes later, and we set off. Kayla was getting her hair done, and Erin was at home mourning the loss of her phone (it had gotten stolen on the metro, just after we had said goodbye from margaritas after Quilotoa). We headed on the crowded metro to the historical district. It was honestly beautiful. We had been there before, but it was basically the first day and I was so out of it I don’t remember much. The day was perfect, sunny and not too hot. Michela told us about the history of the buildings, the Spanish conquistadors, and showed us the statue in the Plaza de Independencia when Ecuador become its own country. We went into the public library, and into some breathtakingly amazing churches of which I have no photos because it’s not allowed. With Spanish colonial architecture, narrow streets, churches and historic buildings, Quito was actually the first city in the world to be named a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

I had thought that Michela would speak in English, but she didn’t know it well enough she said, so spoke Spanish. I missed some things, but it was good practice and I asked Mike and Ana to translate a lot. She spoke of politics, the Spanish influence, and Incan relics. There is so much depth and history to this place that I can’t begin to scratch the surface. I stood on the roof of the old library, surveying the city.

People were out everywhere. Tourists and locals alike. The historic center has old buildings, colonial style and cobble streets with vendors selling ice cream, fruit and empanadas. We had lunch at an almuerzo place (3$). After lunch, Kat and Mike headed out. Ana, Star and I opted to stay to visit the Museo del Ciudad. Michela had to head out, but set us up with a tour guide (also in Spanish) for 3$. It was honestly one of the best experiences I’ve had here. The museum was beautifully laid out in an old building where each room explained a historical period of time in Quito. From the geography, to indigenous people, where they lived, what they ate, how they moved from hunter gather to society, the overtake of the Incan Empire (which only lasted 40 years who knew?!) to the first Spanish conquistadors, mass massacre of the indigenous people (what else is new), colonial period, independence, and finally modernization (also didn’t know Ecuador only adopted the American dollar 10 years ago, to avoid inflation and the total shit that is happening to Venezuela right now). Anyway, two extremely informative hours, listening in Spanish. How completely American, that I can live in a place and know nothing about it. After the museum Ana, Star and I bought street churros and they were amazing.

After that I went home. I was tired. I napped for an hour then went to meet Kayla, Erin and Star for dinner at a pasta place in Plaza Foch. Erin was in better spirits. It’s just mentally and emotionally draining to feel constantly unsafe. But dinner was nice. I was exhausted but hung out with Erin and Kayla for a little- we looked for a place to dance in Plaza Foch, but it was too early and everyone was hustling us trying to get us to come in for a drink. I got annoyed and was going to slap the next guy that walked up to me with a menu, so we took a taxi up to the gay bar where Mike and the others were meeting. After another annoying conversation with the bartender about cover charge, we paid the stupid 10$ went in and danced for a little. I’m getting familiar with all the popular latino songs. (Erin already knows them by heart.) It was a typical gay club, flashing lights and music and men who can dance. Mike, Jojo, Ana and Mayra showed up shortly after. I danced with them for a bit; Erin, Mike and Jojo were in their element. I was tired though, just overstimulated from a lot of people in small spaces with smoke and bodies, which is essentially all the public transportation is in Quito, so I said goodbye around 11:45 and caught a cab home.

The cab driver didn’t have his meter on. He told me 5$. I told him absolutely not, 3$. He said no, 4$. I was pissed the whole ride home and gave him 3.50$

Day 18:

Sunday was just wonderful. It was a bright, sunny morning. I ate breakfast with Monica and Hernando. We sat and talked for a long time; I told them how I was an outdoor guide back home and showed them pictures, of the mountains in Washington, the mountain goats, the cherry blossoms. I brought down my laundry (finally). Monica asked if I wanted to go to the market, but I told her I was meeting friends to watch the world cup game.

Heading outside, the city was dead. I don’t know if it’s the Catholicism, the World Cup, or both, but everything felt quiet. The streets were empty and people were biking happily where usually cars are zooming and honking. The first bus I took was playing the game on the radio. When I got off at the park, a street vendor was listening on a portable radio. I took the second bus up toward the clinic and got off to find the bar we were meeting at. The streets were empty, just occasional cars and bikes. The day was absolutely beautiful. I met Erin and Kayla outside, and we walked in to a happy, popping bar. I ordered a mojito and Venezuelan mozzarella sticks. It was a fun atmosphere.

After the game we (the 8 of us) walked to Parque Carolina, a big park nearby. We went to the botanical gardens, and wandered around for a few hours looking at the different plants, flowers and ponds. After that we found a nice grassy space in the park to plop. We read, took naps and took turns watching stuff so people could go buy food. The park was extremely busy, almost like an amusement park with a little river of paddle boats, food vendors everywhere, and a little sketchy looking ferris wheel. Families were playing, happy. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the energy felt different. More carefree. Probably the Catholicism. Day of rest. At one point a family with a guitar and a harp came right next to us and played. It was wonderful. The little boy kept running away with the maracas.

After the market, I stopped for pasta and a glass of wine. It was okay but overpriced. I had bought a 2$ teenage vampire novel in Spanish off the street and tried to translate it. I got through one page. After that, I headed home. I had tea and bread with Monica, Primo, Pablito, Anai, and Hernando. It was nice. After that I headed to bed.

I don’t know how to explain it, but it was a special day, weekend really because I wasn’t jetting off somewhere in search of adventures. Sunday especially felt, well NORMAL. Waking up late, chatting with the family over breakfast, meeting friends to watch the game, hanging out in the park. That’s what typical Sundays are. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it was a marker, an accomplishment of sorts in the most tranquil of ways. We were past the point of two week, of the adrenaline of a vacation, and were just, for a brief quiet moment, living. In Quito.

It’s kind of a beautiful thought.