#it’s just a vicious cycle at this point

[susiekern]

14. the one with the rain

warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol

word count: 747

lyrics from: Rain - Sleep Token (please let's just pretend I haven't used it before already...)

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You’re splayed on your bed, keeping your eyes on the clock, watching the minutes pass. 11:59 pm, 11.12.24. One more minute. You still have no idea what happens at midnight. Zenin stayed true to his words, and besides the one ominous text, he didn’t reveal anything. What will happen in one minute? Is it the tour announcement? Is it new merch that fans have asked for for so long? A new song? Whatever it was, the mystery around it made you excited as ever. Not only you, Twitter was buzzing under the Fallen hashtag, with many fans waiting for anything, just like you were now.

12:00 am.

Your phone lights up with a single notification from Spotify.

“New release: The Fallen invites you to the room below in their new album! Save it now!”

New album? Whole album? With shaky hands, you grab your phone and tap on the notification. There it is. “The Room Below” by The Fallen, 10 songs. You put your headphones on faster than ever and instantly click the play button.

Around 25 minutes in, you’re more than half done. You recognize a few of the songs, two of them previously released as stand-alone, and one is the song they played in Kyoto, the one Zenin told you he wanted you to hear live first. You rest your head on your pillow comfortably, hearing the first notes of another one. Rain.

‘For so long, I have waited

So long that I almost became

Just a stoic statue, fit for a nobody’

You don’t even notice as your fingers tap the sheets to the melody. A melody that seems familiar in a way.

‘And I don't wanna get in your way

But I finally think I can say

That the vicious cycle was over

The moment you smiled at me’

Zenin’s voice floods your brain, words making your heart beat faster. You could imagine his figure standing tall on the stage, holding the microphone tightly, eyes closing behind the black and gold mask.

‘And just like the rain

You cast the dust into nothing

And wash out the salt from my hands’

Just like the rain… You abruptly open your eyes, head spinning. You’ve heard something like this before. You’re sure of it. But when and where? Who said that? How do you know this melody? They haven’t played it before, of that you’re certain. So how?

‘So touch me again

I feel my shadow dissolving

Will you cleanse me with pleasure?’

Just as the melody gets heavier, it hits you. You’ve heard it many times already. Your eyes instinctively move toward the wall separating your room and Megumi’s. He played it two weeks ago, last week, hell, even two days ago, when you were napping in his bed as he was strumming his guitar. It was obviously a little different played on acoustic guitar in his room than the electric one in the song, but it’s the same melody.

‘And just like the rain

You cast the dust into nothing

And wash out the salt from my hands’

The memory of your evening in Kyoto hits you out of nowhere, and you swear you’re out of breath for a second.

‘Once in a while, Megumi gives you a soft kiss on the lips or the top of your head, whispering gentle words. Barely awake at this point, you catch a few that make your heart clench.

“You’re like a rain that washes my heart of the dust and salt, dear.”’

“Just like the rain…” You whisper.

No. There’s no way, right? He wouldn’t do that to you. But it also makes so much sense at the same time. Why he was supposedly out of town when the Fallen played in Tokyo, why he was in Kyoto that weekend, even being out with his friends after the announcement was posted. Why you’ve never even heard Megumi hum when he played specific songs. Or how Zenin found your stream out of all people.

Was Megumi the Zenin all this time?

‘Nobody can say for certain

If maybe it's all just a game’

Was it all just a game? Your relationship? Or whatever you two were building for the past weeks? Every time he held you close, kissed you, comforted you? Was it entertainment for him to listen to you talking about the Fallen and Zenin?

‘When I open my eyes to the future

I can hear you say my name

So rain down on me’

tag list (lmk if you wanna be added!): @nytylie @fresa-luna @syrooo @zaranobiyuyu @jvpit3rr @pandabiene5115 @good-mourning0 @pearlydays @irwinchester @pxppetmxster @ivydoesit23 @zayuriluvs @applepi25 @s777athv @estella-novella @wgafa @pookalicious-hq @lovely-maryj @briezy04764

[iamthemain-character]

[thefloatingwriter]

wiress with cats.

[apocraphelion]

9 people I'd like to get to know better

tagged by @seiya-starsniper thank u!

🎶 Last song I listened to: I genuinely haven't listened to music in a week, last CD I had in was Big Lazy's "New Everything"

📺 Currently watching: I'm halfway through a sandman rewatch (just finished A Hope In Hell)

🌶️ Sweet/Savory/Spicy?: spicy!!!

❤️ Relationship status: polyamorous :)

🤩 Current obsession: honestly, watercolor painting.

(I do not do enough socializing on this social media to actually have 9 people to tag, so here's two @saphoblin and @rustycreekspoon , and anyone else if you see this wanna do this please tag me as tagging you!!!)

[celestefem]

.

another therapy appointment. this was with a new person, so it was another introductory session, basically. no crying this time, so that’s a win?

i wonder if i made my fears sound too rational? like i was talking about being very anxious using, like, concentrated hydrochloric acid in lab and miscellaneous job / job hunt-related angst. but on top of that sort of stuff is panic attacks over being less than a minute late to class or dropping a cup, etc, which are still due to extreme perfectionism and self-hatred.

there are constant irrational things that set me off, but i’ve spent my whole life trying to come up with “rational” things to explain why i’m having such an extreme reaction to them. do you know how many times i’ve had a receptionist ask: ��….you shouldn’t be this worried about this. is something going on at home?” and there’s really not! i’m just too neurotic to function!

i asked if next time we could talk about how to, like, cope with that and manage these anxieties which will hopefully help, but also… the next appointment is three weeks away, which is a bit longer than i thought it’d be. so i’m kinda not sure how much this is going to help after all…

[cyb3r-mutt]

i finally handed in my final papers im so relieved 😭😭😭😭 now all i gotta do is make a whole zine by friday and im done for the semester but thats like fun so im not too worried

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

Reflecting in unspeakable blackness on the truth that I alone am the architect of all my miseries

[wheelercore]

Understanding the scene of Ted putting the tie on Mike (Mike commenting on how it's too tight and it's choking him and Ted saying that's how it's supposed to be) in a very Mike-Ted parallels way. AND IT WAS ON FRONT OF A MIRROR TOO. Shrimp colors everywhere.

[rustchild]

.

[nebulaleaf]

uaaaugh i need to unpack but i can't get off the floor. why do anything...

[twoweekhome]

.

[themarvelhorse]

Sept 9, 2023

[cloudd-nyne]

.

[whystuck]

Everytime Pancake goes to knock something over I try to ignore her as long as possible bc I don't want to teach her that breaking stuff is the best way to get my attention

but then she inevitably goes to push over a full glass of water or something small and important or something very fragile, and I immediately respond bc I can't just let her do that, and I just realized that the reason she now goes straight for the troublesome things to push over is bc I HAVE BEEN TEACHING HER WHICH THINGS WILL AND WILL NOT GET MY ATTENTION

SO IVE JUST BEEN TEACHING HER HOW TO BOTHER ME MORE EFFECTIVELY

AND SHE IS A VERY FAST LEARNER

[depthsoftheabyss]

*writes a lil paragraph* , wtf am I doing I'm fucking tweaking, *deletes paragraph*.

[exeggcute]

[walking confidently into a live minefield] I can't say for sure how we reached the point where "trans women everywhere (read as: everywhere online) oppress/hate/are secretly plotting the downfall of trans men" is a thing that people think is both true and reasonable to believe, but I think at least one factor is a stupid vicious cycle of bad actors and gullible bystanders where, like. you have some guys engaging in shitty misogynistic behavior > some women either try to explain why this behavior is shitty and misogynistic (to no avail) or just disengage entirely > instead of learning from this, the guys act all wounded about it > outside observers who don't have a great grasp on the situation (or maybe don't have great grasp on how misogyny functions in general, or think that only cis men can engage in misogynistic behaviors, or have some kind of unconscious hang-up against trans women) see this and think aw man, these poor dudes are getting ragged on for no reason! > people who weren't necessarily doing the original shitty misogynistic behavior are falsely pointing the finger at trans women for "starting shit" > this is obviously fucking irritating, and no one has an infinite well of patience, so after calmly defending themselves however many times, some of these ladies are just gonna start telling bad-faith jokers to fuck off > shitty dudes and gullible bystanders go "see, they're doing it again! those man-hating harpies!" > women continue to be irritated and (understandably) defensive, tell bad-faith jokers to fuck off > and so on and so forth.

and to be clear "vicious cycle" does not mean "oh well really it's everyone's fault for being involved in the whole mess." I think there's a pretty clear cause and effect here where if you're dismissive of women's voices and viewpoints, and hold them to unfair standards, and just generally aren't very nice, they might not be very nice to you in return. and why should they be!