#it’s fun to shout in the void abt this but it’s just as fun to see ppl interact and agree <3 or disagree in a tasteful and interesting way

[butchvamp]

sorry im really not a dragon age blog in any official capacity i just love talking to myself on here

[romionarry]

I’m so incredibly insane about this ship it’s taking me over like a virus and I’m so glad someone else is also rereading the series with romionarry goggles. They make me ill in the best way and I just found this blog but I already love it, keep doing what you’re doing it’s great

so glad to be of service 🫡

[cc-kote]

God I am so insanely proud of this gd novella of a fic I've been writing for the last month or so. I have the whole thing mapped out (3 acts, but the third act is separated into 2 parts) and act 1 is nearly finished. I just can't believe how much I have done already. For the last 5 years I've been struggling so hard to write anything consistently, like I had my own original stories planned and bits and pieces of them written but I struggled so hard to make the plot coherent and the characters dynamic and it was making me feel so sad and unenthusiastic abt writing. And then I fuckin watched TROS and got so pissed abt how dirty they did my faves that I was suddenly inspired to write my own self indulgent af fix it fic 😂😂😂

It's just so funny to me that the driving force behind me getting back into the swing of writing stories was being so deeply unsatisfied with the fates of my favorite characters that I felt the overwhelming need to take matters Into my own hands and rewrite it in a way that panders to what I want for them.

[my-own-walker]

im so sorry it wouldn't let me answer you abt the tate langdon ask, pre death please and thank u

I Can't Handle Change

note: it's been so long since i wrote anything tate. this should be fun!!

summary: pre-death tate gets comfort from the reader after a fight with his mom 🥺

warnings: sad angsty tate, kissing lol,

+++

Little things wore Tate down over time.

He once told me that he spent a whole afternoon picking fresh lilacs and daffodils out of his mother's garden, arranging them into the prettiest bouquet for her. He was 11. If you truly let that sink in, it's astounding that an 11-year-old boy was sweet enough to do that for his mom. Her response to the gesture was to shout at him about ruining all the hard work she'd put into the gardening.

She threw the handmade bunch into the trash right in front of him. Held his head straight to make him watch and all. The pretty purple and yellow petals crashed down into the can with a thunk.

Their relationship didn't change. Especially when Larry came into their lives. Constance was an interesting woman. She was in no way fit to mother the children she birthed. Her narcissistic tendencies drew her to do things to the children that made them resent her. It seemed she resented them right back.

Tate and Constance were constantly at war with each other over the whole Larry thing. He didn't know what he wanted, but it for sure wasn't a new dad. Nothing could truly fill the void inside of him. If anything, his mother and Larry were working in tandem to dig even more out of his soul, shoveling heaps of it out of him and discarding it right before his eyes. Just like Constance did with the flowers.

When I came along things changed for Tate. We met in school. I'd spend afternoons at his place. Somewhere along the way we started dating. He possessed this all-encompassing love within him. Since he was a child, its tendrils reached out, longing for someone to latch onto to disseminate the intense feeling. He was a lover, but also the child of someone with no room for real love in her life.

I embraced his need for connection. His intensity. Tate was emotional and strong-willed. The love he gave me was the warm embrace that you crave on winter's coldest nights. It was slippery quicksand, pulling me in with no regard for my control.

She hated me, Constance. She didn't like my presence. My effect on her 'beautiful boy.' It was a game of cat and mouse. She didn't want his love, but she wanted him to keep trying. The thrill of rejecting him intoxicated her. When I came into Tate's life, he stopped trying to connect with her. He finally found someone that would accept him.

On a rainy day in November, Constance and Tate went at it again. She expressed her intent to keep Larry in his life.

'He's your new father and you have to DEAL with it!' she screamed.

Larry watched from the corner as she slapped Tate across his face. The coward didn't even say a word. No mother should be hitting her son. Instead, Larry wore a smirk so devilish he could be a minion of Satan, for all anyone knew.

Tate didn't even say a word. He stormed out of the door and straight in the direction of my house. I lived two miles away. He trudged all that way in the pouring rain. When he arrived at my doorstep, he was soaked right through to the skin, shivering from the cold. He broke down on my front porch. Body-wracking sobs left his lips as he crouched down into a ball. I pulled him up by his armpits and guided him inside.

When we got to my room, I immediately stripped him of all his wet clothes and gave him some of the stuff I had stolen from his room. A sweater, some loose-fitting jeans, and a cardigan. I wrapped him in the layers, shushing him as he cried through the process. He collapsed into a heap on top of my duvet cover, face in his hands. Still shivering, he let out another heart-wrenching sob.

I hurried over to the bed and wrapped him in my embrace. His head rested on my chest and his body rested in between my legs. I sat up against the headboard, running my fingers through his hair, letting him cry it out. After some time, his cries became softer.

'Nothing I do is ever good enough,' Tate sniffed.

'You know that's not true,' I tutted. 'You are good enough.'

'No,' he whined, 'With her. In her eyes.' I knew he meant his mother. I didn't even have to ask.

'What happened, love?' I asked softly.

'It's just that ugly motherfucker again,' he sighed. 'She keeps saying he's my dad. She wants me to call him dad.' I stared off for a second not sure what to say. I kissed the top of his head.

'You shouldn't have to call him that,' I decided. He sobbed loudly again.

'She hit me, Y/N.'

I gasped and grabbed his head, turning it to make him look at me. And there it was, clear as day. A welt forming over his eye. I couldn't believe I didn't notice it earlier.

'I ignore him now. I don't insult him. I stay away. But now she wants me to call him dad,' he cried. 'Nothing I do is ever good enough. She knows I can't handle change.'

'Oh, baby. I am so sorry,' I whispered. Looking into his glassy eyes, I saw a brokenness I had never seen before. She went too far, as she always did. I kissed the tip of his nose. 'I'm sure that feels great, huh?' I half-laughed, sardonically, running my thumb gently over his swollen face.

His hand reached up and wiped my cheek. I didn't even realize I had started crying, too. I loved him so much and hated to see him hurting.

'Please, don't worry about me,' I said softly. 'I just cry when you cry. I'm a big dork.'

'I love you so much, Y/N,' he rasped.

'I love you more,' I replied. He sat up more so his face was level with mine. Leaning in, he kissed me delicately. He always kissed me so tenderly, his soft lips caressing mine so beautifully. Tate truly meant his kisses. They had intentions behind them. It was his way of saying 'thank you,' or 'I love you.' None of his kisses were meaningless.

The tenderness dissolved into a passion. We had this insatiable need to be closer to one another. We stayed like this for what felt like forever. Kissing in our mutual bliss. His ever-present need to give love and be loved in return was being fulfilled.

And with that, the broken parts of him began to heal again.

+++

Quickie but a goodie! Thank you for this request. I like writing Tate. He's a moody lil boy.

[mclwcc]

they haven't quite turned on vcarb the way they did mclaren but from what i've read that seems to be bc daniel keeps saying "it's not the same problem as mclaren" when like idk dude if the only time you've finished a race ahead of yuki was bc you got put on softs at the end of the race it is smelling very shades of mexico '22 to me. just without the having to make up a time penalty bc u punted yuki off the track.

i can say yuki is already getting the lando treatment though. "hOW MANY RACES HAS HE WON AND YOU DARE SAY HES PERFORMING BETTER THAN AN 8 TIME GP WINNER?" (ya i'll go to the top floor of my apartment and shout it into the void through a megaphone too what are you going to do about it) only this time there's a heavy dose of racism added in. the amount of people i have seen calling yuki a "pokémon" derogatorily and refusing to admit the racist connotations there are wild. not to mention the ableist terms i've seen be used to refer to his height. it's all very gross and yet again daniel says nothing to even try to prevent it. it's wild how someone always has to get harassed by his fans regardless of if he fails or succeeds.

ok so like first of all yikes. i rly rate yuki but im v selective w my online (especially my tumblr)

experience so i rly almost never venture out of my mclaren-centred bubble, which means i never rly see what ppl say abt him. 'pokemon' is actually vile like thats so clearly racist bc its not even a pun of his name at all or any sort of reference to his personality?? AND the fact that its a cartoon w the infantilising implications of that... ku's essay on the infantilisation of east asian drivers u will always be famous.... like u guys ever noticed how nyck is also rly short and has a youthful face and nobody ever talked abt him in the way they talk abt yuki? much to think abt

now. permission to be mean here but even if its 'not the same problem as mclaren' is the problem not STILL the fact that daniel in his 10+ year career hasnt bothered to understand the way the engineering of f1 cars works in like any material way and thats the reason he always struggles to identify his driving issues / has a disconnect with his chassis unless its tailored exactly to what he already likes and knows how to drive? i saw that bit from newey's book about how max and checo give rly good feedback and so did webber and vettel and it was kind of subtly implying that during the bit in between (the daniel era) he designed less effective cars be he wasnt getting enough precise feedback.... i genuinely havent been able to sleep at night since. like it felt like smth slotted in my head like aaaah this has been the problem all along. if only daniel wasnt so busy going on podcasts making fun of the idea of women in motorsport and actually spent some time to do some way overdue physics homework... lol. Imao even

the truth of the situation is yuki is in the best form of his career and also wiping the floor w daniel. like factually so. EVEN with team orders favouring daniel so his fans cant say its bc of that like they did with mclaren. i genuinely think its quite sad the amount of personal stock daniel fans have clearly invested in this mans career and how much it bothers them when he doesnt perform to their expectations - like he's ur driver, swallow it and accept it, because thats what he's been doing to try to move on. doing all this intense online hate bullshit only makes him look bad bc it highlights how badly and for how long he rly has been embarrassingly underperforming. but by this point it feels like they WANT him to underperform bc they crave that martyr underdog victimised figure to root for and fight for - which is why ur totally right anon, that someone always inevitably gets harrassed regardless of if daniel is failing or succeeding. 

i will say one thing which is that i rly dont think daniel is at all aware of whatever the fuck his fans do on twitter and instagram (and deffo not tumblr lmao). so i dont think this is an issue of like him telling his fans to chill out - and it doesnt work anyways, bc lando literally has made talking abt how much cyberbullying sucks a part of his personality and theres still some rly mean and hateful lando fans (not in a fun way like me<3 lol) (i hate on my own blog and in discord groupchats). so like thats not necessarily on him, its more on netflix for making him the lowest common denominator guy to like, ykwim? also the unfortunate reality is that despite the tshirts and the kneeling (or no kneeling) no one rly seems to stand up to defend the drivers of colour who literally constantly get SUCH vitriol thrown towards them w any occasion. im not expecting daniel of all ppl to say anything abt it ngl

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

school and other things

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH i have to go back to the educational prison that is my high school tomorrow >:/ luckily afterward tho i get to visit my auntie and uncle to drop off some soup. i rlly hate that i cant wear fun tights to school, i have to wear my boring black ones instead of my stripey ones or new cool af skeleton ones! just in general i hate that i have a stupid uniform. only upside is its a great excuse to continue making kandi. welp back to eating lunch in the library and accidently eavesdropping on ppls drama. only good thing abt highschool is everyone has drama and they loooooove to tell it to/around me for some reason. ig i look like i wont tell anyone. i mean theyre right tho i tell my best friend (shoutout to him cause weve been friends for 10 years now, a full decade!) everything but he doesnt kno any of these ppl and neither do u dear follower, at least i hope not. I like the idea of imortalizing my highschool experiance on the internet just shouting my grievences out in the void of 0s and 1s that is the internet. its fun. ill look back on it later in life and maybe cringe but i hope not lol. welp at least im not peaking in highschool! god thatd be so much worse ive heard those ppl never turn out well and seeing the obvi peaking girls in my school i can tell why. i recently got into Class of 09 and its made me think of my high school career, how its going, how it started, how itll end etc etc. kinda want it to end already like cant i just graduate already! its only been a year and a few months but that has felt like decades. "best years of ur life" my ass. only thing worse was middle school. wouldnt do that again for all the love or money in the world!!!!! anyways this blog post has kinda gone off the rails and i kno yall dont read my longer posts so ill end it here lol

[dreamofbona]

just hung out w my irl bestie and we watched kpop vids together and it was so nice. she's actually the person who introduced me to kpop and more recently she's not as into it but we fangirled over enha and criminal love together and watched vids of each others' faves (she doesn't stan wjsn or tpst; i don't stan blackpink or itzy) and it was so fun and i just want to shout into the void abt it cuz watching old and recent enha vids (yes we rewatched chamber 5 and iland flicker) was so fun and i'm so happy rn

[timmie-p]

now that i caught up on work i’m finally going to put out my thoughts abt the new alien stage videos lol (i’m doing top 3 first and then i’m probably going to not do mizisua at least for another few days (or weeks) because i procrastinate like that)

stuff that stuck out to me immediately:

the coins: obviously this is really just a game show to the aliens, and a profitable one at that. they’re making money off of the humans, and presumably the winner takes the big prize for their owner? general consensus is that mizi’s owner is rather decent; they wouldn’t just randomly put her in a death game so i think the reason she was chosen could be for the money

interesting shot: at first i thought it was the throne upon a pile of bodies of the losers, but when i went back to screenshot they look less like humans and more like aliens? could be body bags too, idk. the thing on the bottom right looks kinda like a microphone so i’m leaning towards dead humans

human terrorists: definitely hyuna’s group. we know that she and luka were close; i think they were at anakt together before? the background in the picture featuring them looks like anakt and they’re wearing the same clothes with the collar. they were probably there a generation or so before mizi sua till ivan. ivan found a way out — maybe hyuna did too earlier on (fun hc maybe he simply found the escape that hyuna made before him). im thinking she made it out and established/joined the terrorist group. luka definitely knows something; he wasn’t surprised at all when hyuna saved mizi

aliens protesting/debating: not all aliens consider humans inferior slaves? there seems to be a push for human rights or at least a stop to alnst

ad for anakt for sure: google translate says “institution specialising in human development” and the clothes the child is wearing are very much reminiscent of the anakt garden uniform. anakt advertises itself as a place for nurturing humans, although it looks more to be a feeder to alnst. ivan was sold/given to anakt by his previous owner and everyone else basically grew up there from young. i think aliens send their pet humans to anakt to be trained and if they do well with their singing training ig they go into alnst?

luka: i don’t have much to say on ivan and till’s introductions but luka’s i find is really interesting. he’s alone at the top, the winner of the previous season after he’s eliminated his opponents. the steps leading up to him are labelled with the anakt garden symbol and he’s stuck in a black void, contrasting with the caption “living his endless glory days” — no matter how far he goes, he’s still trapped in alnst and anakt. his interview that we got previously shows that he chose to return to alnst and thinks of it as a chance to “repay” the aliens for the love and support they’ve given humans. how much of that is true? he’s good at talking and keeping himself alive for sure, so why return to the death game? i don’t believe his words about repaying aliens a bit; he definitely has an underlying motive. is he that confident that he’ll win? (theory: maybe he’s helping hyuna?)

announcer: i think this girl is an announcer or something on the show — she’s shown more shouting and hyping up the crowd. her design seems too detailed to be just another throwaway npc; i think she’s going to come into play later

very cinematic shot of sua’s death. i like how it’s framing the mic. i don’t have much to say other than that lol although i might come back to this

mizi as centrepiece: interesting how this shot zooms in on mizi at the centre of all of them, freaking out. till and ivan are placed side by side — of course, given their relationship and the fact that they’re going against each other next. + nice contrast of white and black. hyuna and luka are side by side after — there’s definitely something going on with them (theory: luka is a mole for hyuna’s group?). that leaves mizi alone at the centre (alone without sua, mind you). they’re all interconnected in some way, mizi having connections to all of them. she’s till’s obsession, ivan’s “rival”, competed against luka, saved by hyuna. she’s finally broken away from alnst and anakt, taken in by hyuna. she’s in a lot of turmoil, still traumatised from losing sua and a bit unstable because of luka. she’s left behind everything she knows and is probably facing a huge choice about whether to join hyuna’s rebellion. im guessing she’s going to play a huge role in the future; probably coming in last minute and collapsing the whole thing. i just noticed too, i think hyuna is holding a mic? last minute contestant perhaps?

overall, good tidbits, lots to read into.

theories:

i’m definitely thinking that luka and hyuna are somehow working together, and if not then at least he knows something about what hyuna is doing

mizi is going to come back big time, probably more towards the end

the aliens protesting alnst might come back later on as well, although idk how much they’ll influence the plot. i don’t think most people really noticed that part in comparison to the other scenes so doubtful that they’ll suddenly be inserted with huge impact

the big one: i think ivan is going to win the round against till. i was wavering a bit before but with all the emphasis on ivan being the fan favourite i do think he’s going to win. till is very much an outwardly rebellious character as well that i don’t think the aliens want going far, and honestly i don’t see him going up against luka. luka v ivan is the more dynamic matchup, with luka being the previous winner while ivan is the favourite. they’re both very smart as well (not that i’m trying to talk down till he’s my wet little guy) so it’ll be an interesting (sorry i keep using interesting my vocabulary is small) battle of wits as well as skill. their musical styles also fit together well; it would be hard to write a song fitting both luka and till’s styles, but between luka and ivan they share enough similarities. also, the white/black contrast again. till’s motivation has been mizi the whole time, but now that he thinks mizi is dead i think he’s going to struggle, probably lash out, ultimately die. sad moment for ivan, drama, grahhh im sad abt my bf, grahhhhhh i want to beat luka, drama, etc

that’s all for now, may or may not come back to this. mizisua next (the next round will probably be out by the time i even start writing)

[tradetobest]

For the Fanfic Writer Ask Meme - ghi

Please & thank you 🐧

G: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?

id probably write a bennguin sequel to one more glance tbh…. im an absolute sucker for soulmate aus and idk what more i would do with sid and geno’s stories (im more of a ‘happily’ writer than an ‘ever after’ one if you know what i mean) so!! yeah. boston era tyler meeting jamie at the asg and saying maybe it could work but it Doesnt. then he gets traded. ooooo

H: How would you describe your writing style?

really interesting question!! we talked abt style in class and how like. you rlly develop one as you grow and learn as a writer and tbh atp id say my style is like. dialogue-heavy banter-comedy type things. love that shit. even when i write porn they still bicker and giggle.

I: How many fandoms have you written in?  Do you have a favorite?

i have written in 25 (ish) fandoms!! a lot of my old works are on different sites (ff dot net, wattpad, deviantart, quotev) so they are sort of. lost to the void. and younger me purged them bc i got embarrassed. whoops. and my favourite is hrpf tbh… if you asked in the past itd probably be whatever fandom im currently in as well. every new fandom i grow to love its specific tropes and customs and everything and its just so fun every time. shout out to hrpf writers for giving me a good base to start with haha!! and the dynamics here. OUGH. 1000/10

[emilykaldwen]

I dont understand why ppl want to get spoilers (that anon worrying abt aegon cheating) for fics or things in general, like, just read on and all your questions will get answered..

You told anon that abby is the only person he truly deeply loved, and yeah its obvious when reading it, but I could also imagine aegon falling in love along the way with other people he engaged with sexually, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love abby still. Maybe the love for the others wasn’t as deep or true, but just bc he loves abby doesn’t mean he cant fall in love (at least a little) with someone else too.

To be honest it doesn’t really seem like it when reading, since he really seems to only have his eyes on abby (romantically) all those years, but it wouldn’t be impossible to sneak in a second love interest for him.. would you do that in Maiden?

First off, thank you everyone who has sent nice/kind messages to me re: Maiden. I really do love my story and the only interest I'm able to tell is people who leave me comments. Thank you for making me feel less like i'm shouting into the void.

People like spoilers because they're hungry for answers. Why do you think there's so much speculation about season two of house of the dragon? And the anon who asked for the heartbreak spoiler, I didn't mind giving because I don't consider it a spoiler. I say right in the story summary that Abby and Aegon will have a Happy Ending, because in this fandom, there are a lot of stories that follow the 'rocks fall and everyone dies' plot of the book. This story isn't. I have heard of people who have been blindsided by poorly tagged stories where they thought they were getting a happy ship ending only to have the canon character like, cheat and then brutalize the OC pairing they were in. I have no problem whatsoever answering questions like this.

As the author, I'm asking you, the reader, to invest your time and emotions into the story I'm crafting. I want you to care. I want you to come along the ride with me! But this is also a fun hobby, and I know if I were a reader and then had the rug pulled out from under me, I wouldn't feel great. This is fic. This is free. This isn't a book I bought. So no, I don't mind reassuring people that Abby and Aegon are going to be okay, and that the current arc that anon was going into wasn't going to go into infidelity. If there was cheating in the story, I absolutely would tag it that way because that's an appropriate trigger. Whatever Aegon is doing during the particular arc, I do not consider it infidelity. Abby and Aegon are betrothed by outside force, but they aren't committed to each other. They're operating on that 'assumption feeling'. And there's a difference.

I think people are so capable of falling in love more than once in their lives. The idea of 'the one soulmate' is romantic as a trope, but it doesn't always resonate, you know?

I have to tease you here, Anon, because you just chided the other anon for asking for spoilers, and then asked me for a spoiler here! But I will say I already answered this question in the fic! In chapter 5:

And the love he had/thought he had for this person doesn't take away from his depth of feeling for Abby! No one person can be everything, and that's a thesis statement within the story. Aegon doesn't think he can be with Abby, so he was actively trying to move on from her!

I'm not sure if you're asking if I would consider this or if you're requesting this sort of plot. I do not take requests for plot in the story, and I hope this answered your question!

Thank you so much for your interest in Maiden! It really excites me to know that people enjoy the story, and I always love to hear about what you're enjoying and what questions you might have.

[zakk-talks-books]

Hey I'm Zakk I'm a trans queer dude who likes books,,, this is just a sideblog for fun where i rant about those. mainly just to get me out of my reading slump and reach my reading goals more consistently. my main is @zakk-draws-and-talks btw, thats just where i post random art, shout into the void, and reblog everything i get my hands on.

Here im only rllyyy gonna rb stuff relating to books and stuff. while i read a book ill prolly just make random text posts abt it and write out some paragraphs of final thoughts when i finish it. expect a lot of thoughts about a lot of books bc i read several at once.

what im reading below the cut

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

The Plague by Albert Camus(idk where it is rn thooo :c )

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

andddd thats it :) so far I've started the first four. feel free to send me book recs/requests, my tbr is a grotesque cobbled monster that is always hungry for new meat.

my fav book(s)

Rainbow in the Dark by Sean McGinty

A mango-shaped space

Might add stuff to this if people actually take an interest, but for now this is mostly for me <3

[cylixil]

I'm not really a polytheist (I mostly just chill with Apollon) but from my experience, they're very subtle. I've had years of practice but even so I'll probably miss like 50% of his messages/signs lol, and even then I'll be wondering if it's just my imagination most of the time when I do hear* him.

*A lot of people post things that make it seem like gods are having full conversations with them (myself included, mostly bc it's fun and I like shouting into the void abt him along with telling a friend. I mainly just do the latter tho). I won't get into my own experiences bc it got too long lol but to sum it up they're all super subtle and very easily missed, even when I've been speaking to him for more than a decade now

I can't really offer advice on how to hear them but if they do talk to you, you'll have to learn to trust yourself and learn to discern what is and isn't them. The "listening" is a skill you have to hone and can come in many forms, though, but I'm sure people have already given examples.

for all my fellow hellenic polytheists who like... are able to talk to the gods or at least feel their presence in a tangible way... h o w am i doing something wrong? am i not offering the right things? i know i stumble across posts saying that it's completely normal not to feel the presence of the gods or hear them speak to your heart but like... i wanna hear them at least once :(

[casualbluebirdmentality]

this post is literally just me ranting about my own gender experience/questioning as an afab person.

(despite all the cws and tws, it's really not that overwhelmingly negative-- moreso just yelling my confusion into the void lol. i'm just really paranoid abt accidentally ruining someone's day by not tagging smth, hence the literal max 30 tags.)

you can read it if you want but if not,, understandable lol. either way, enjoy this picture of a quokka that i got by googling "cute animal":

...ok.

figuring out ur gender as an afab person is so weird, cuz it's like:

am I uncomfortable w my tits (always have been) for Gender Reasons, or is it the societal conditioning that they're sex objects/will make ME be viewed as a sex object if they're "too noticeable"?

is the visceral discomfort that I've always had (literally since childhood) at even the THOUGHT of having a period a Gender Thing, or is it the societal taboo that makes it impossible to speak/think about it?

do I like the idea of being perceived as masc for Gender Reasons, or bc I know it will make people take me more seriously and make me less of a target for abuse/harassment?

do I feel like a boy in disguise/an imposter when surrounded by other women/in female spaces bc I actually am more masc in my actual gender, or because gender roles and their "boyish interests/presentation" and "girly interests/presentation" have been so ingrained in me that it feels like if I don't match up with That Exact Image of being a very femme woman, then clearly I'm just not a woman at all? (/s for that last phrase)

(A more specific/personalized addendum to that last one: I've got a sister and we both did a lot of performing arts stuff VERY frequently growing up, especially as a duo, and whenever the roles were a boy and girl (which wasn't most of the time but still happened fairly regularly), I'd always be the boy bc she was more femme than me & always wanted to be the girl, whereas i didn't really care-- so like, was that because I'm inherently more comfortable as a more masc person? Or did I just not care either way at the time cuz I was a damn kid just having fun playing a role, and now from years and years and YEARS of doing that I've just conditioned myself into thinking of myself as "the guy one" when paired with a woman/surrounded by women??????)

And THEN for me personally, you throw in the fact that both Nate/ND Stevenson (creator of the first show that ever made me feel Seen as a queer person, to the extent that it broke my brain a little) and Elliot Page (right after/while playing his Umbrella Academy character, who was the only "female" character I've EVER felt I could truly relate to in such a full, overwhelming extent for some reason I couldn't name, and whom my friends at the time literally said "had big [my name] energy," without having been told anything about my feelings at all) BOTH came out as transmasc. So it's like,, am i transmasc? All Signs Point To Yes, pretty much. And I distinctly prefer when my tits are squished firmly against my chest, which sounds a whole hell of a lot like chest dysphoria.

...Except that when I got a binder to try it out, threw a hoodie on over it, and looked in the mirror, it was just like,, weird. And a minute or so later when I caught my reflection in the mirror out the corner of my eye without thinking and my brain automatically perceived my chest as like, FLAT flat for the first time, it pretty much shouted "WRONG WRONG WRONG" and started clanging pots and pans until I took it off.

But, irl my nickname is a typically "male" short-hand (as in, someone reading it would assume it's a guy 99.9999% of the time) of my (feminine) name, and I much prefer it. So like I guess I'm just generically nonbinary... but I also really don't want to say that I'm not a woman? But that reluctance could just be reluctance at relinquishing what makes me "valuable" in society's eyes, or in accepting that I've "failed" to be what I was "supposed" to be. Or in losing my ability to "speak authentically" about things like sexism, even though I Know Full Well that that's not how that works, like, at all. So it's just... ????????????????????

The only thing I have been able to figure out is that I definitely want to be more buff and athletic, and definitely make my body at least a little more masc in that regard. So like, Buff Sword Lady definitely, at least. (I do quite enjoy swords. A lot.) So maybe I just want to be butch?

But I don't look like that yet, and it's so hard to figure this kind of thing out without actually being able to physically see yourself that way, without being able to actually feel it first-hand and compare. So I'm just, like, here, a fantasy writer doing muscle work-outs alone in my room every day, hoping that micro-dosing on jock culture will help me finally feel Right lmao.

[lavellane]

ok. ok. i think im finally (mostly) settled on elspeth's ending and her handling of the landsmeet in particular. illegible hysteria below

i spent like 20 hours of this game hyping up an alistair/anora alliance but i dont think i can do it in practice im too weak Lol. BUT i do like the idea of trying it anyway and it falling apart bc everything always falls apart in this universe. so yeah, alistair does do the dual in the end, despite what i said the other day (he's the one who at this point wants to be king. so why not) much to ella's horror. the detail i mentioned about loghain being the only person to defeat her in her tourney days still carries symbolic weight, because it was ELLA who trained and mentored and levelled alistair up through the blight. shes like babe if i cant beat him you shouldnt risk it !! and so him then BEATING loghain regardless is a nice lil "student surpasses the teacher" moment and also drives home that ella is a good commander and theyre both stronger than they were.

ofc this means alistair obviously goes rogue and does what he does at the end of the fight — regardless of the promises of mercy ella made to anora and their attempts at an alliance lol. which sucks and its not as neat a solution, but emotions were high and its understandable and also L + ratio + loghain sold elves into slavery. ella got her vengeance over howe earlier so shes like sigh ok anyways. SO. the alliance is a bust, but alistair is hardened anyway so its not the end of the world. he rules alone post canon with ella still as adviser and his mistress, BUT :) im thinking about him refusing to take a wife in this path, specifically because he's trying to convince ELLA to marry him and make it official. she always rejects him but its in an ahaha.... unless 👀 kinda way that encourages him to keep trying. i mean the only reason she doesnt feel like she can is bc Duty and Responsibilities and Obligations blah blah blah..... ALL of which she could still honor while being queen. so yeah. completing her story and having her reaffirm her grey warden duty + alistair's king duty, and their mutual dark ritual sacrifice, but with the open ended possibility that a happier ending IS possible at some point ! when she's ready ! maybe after she cures the taint :) who knows

[thosch3i]

I was rewatching this episode, and Xiaoge is almost certainly watching Wu Xie in this scene (his gaze is directed toward the direction where Wu Xie was sitting at that point in the episode), and...he probably expects to die soon. And he may have lost all his memories, but he still knows, at least, exactly how much Wu Xie means to him (like how he recalled Wu Xie’s name immediately upon meeting him again for the first time, like how he instinctively jumped to shield Wu Xie from the threat of an explosion).

And Xiaoge also knows they’re not safe yet. So not only does he think he will die soon, he likely thinks they all will die soon. Does he think about Pan Ma’s warning? That if the two of them are together, sooner or later one will bring about the death of the other? Does he think that prediction is coming true, that he wasn’t able to keep Wu Xie safe until the end, that Wu Xie will die here at the hands of the Miluotuo, all because of himself?

This was also the only time an insert song was subbed in an episode, and there’s a line in this song: “If I disappeared from this world, only your gaze would see”. First of all, Xiaoge, on the brink of death, on the brink of “disappearing from this world”--where does his own gaze land? Of course, on the man who once vowed to remember him, who told him that their burdens are shared, who swore to walk with him until the very end of the journey (is the journey’s end here already, he wonders). And Wu Xie sees him, like the song says, like Wu Xie promised.

And again, Xiaoge’s own gaze--it’s that familiar, fixed, intensity that he’s looked at Wu Xie with in the past. The light in his eyes is for one person alone right now, and he keeps his gaze riveted on Wu Xie, despite how much pain he must be in. He endures the pain (like he’s been trained since he was young), fights it, to watch Wu Xie, like he’s looking at his “only connection to this world”, if only for a few moments longer. Does he think to himself, that he’s finally beginning to find that “connection”, find his place in this world, only to be on the verge of losing it all?

But what can he do now? Nothing, not anymore, and he knows that very well--from the weakening rasp of his breath; from the way the stabbing pain in his abdomen that had shocked his thoughts into momentary lucidity is dulling to a distant, pleasant numbness; from the flickering of his vision in and out of an almost comforting darkness...

So he watches Wu Xie, the one person who he can still see clearly, who he has always seen clearly (though how much of that clarity is only imagined now, he doesn’t know).

Pan Ma’s warning rings like a death knell in his head; shreds of an almost-forgotten promise (”If you disappeared, at least I would know”) begin stir at the desolate corners of the foggy labyrinth that makes up his memories, and he thinks--I wasn’t able to protect him.

But selfishly, he tells himself--if there is nothing else in this world he is allowed to want, then he at least wants to see Wu Xie, as long as he can still keep his eyes open, just this one last time.

[handdrawnfantasma]

i can’t remember starting, and i’m never done | a circular mix for time loopers

01. anais mitchell ft. the haden triplets - nothing changes | 02. ghost quartet - i don’t know (live at the mckittrick) | 03. regina spektor - a cannon | 04. the submarines - 1940 (section quartet mix) | 05. lights - ...and counting | 06. saycet - we walk fast | 07. first aid kit - stay gold  | 08. stars - the 400 | 09. ghost quartet - tango dancer | 10. earlimart - it’s okay to think about ending | 11. johnette napolitano - the scientist | 12. the books - we bought the flood | 13. nik ammar - glass walls | 14. rachel macwhirter - temporal shenanigans | 15. scntfc - the beach, 7am | 16. lia;maya - mary's fictional world

Listen on 8tracks | find lyric picks