#it’s fucked up to say but sometimes i’ve wondered if i deserved to be abused.

[ghoulishcreep]

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[eevees-hobbies]

i can NOOOOT get *your* suo out of my head like, i gotta ask a question abt him,, ok so we know he likes to share his yummy gfs pussy but does this include without permission 👀 like say she comes home and surprises him with her pussy already creampied by someone else (and making him guess who by the taste ughhhh), would he be more upset or turned on? Im just wondering where they draw the line bc we know suo has all the power 😍. Or like how did he even bring up sharing her first, what a conversation to be had lol!

I sent a rq under this name but im 🍒 anon btw!!

Hi, 🍒 Anon! I love your mind and that you can’t stop thinking about Suo because that’s precisely how he’d like you–as obsessed with him as he is with you! And, yes, I’ve seen your other ask! I’m hoarding it until I can give it the attention it deserves! I may have written a scenario below to answer your question. I am so sorry!! I am sometimes not good at being brief, but I always get super into anything involving Suo because deep down, this man has me in a-.

Content Warning: Fem!Reader x Hayato Suo. Togame remains the villain in my fics (sorry, sweet boy!). Cheating by anyone else standards but consented infidelity by Reader and Suo’s (they match each other’s freak), cuckolding for Endo and Sugi, one instance of a smack to the thigh, dirty talk, degradation, dacryphilia, Suo knows you better than yourself, be prepared to hear Suo's inner thoughts because he is stressed, obsessive/worshipping kind of love, pussy inspection with fingers, cum eating, mentions of threesomes. Tis smut! Minors Do Not Interact. 

Word Count: 2K

Story banner by me. Divider by Saradkia

Now, let's get into it, myes? You have some great questions about Suo and his girlfriend, who are an interesting couple. I think that some Wind Breaker men are built so differently that eating another man’s cum out of their girlfriend’s pussy would seem appealing or something that they would consider.

Endo, for example, is spreading you open and wide to lap Takiishi’s cum out of your sloppy, abused cunt without a second thought. In fact, he thinks you’re at your most delicious when Takiishi has already had his fun with you, and he eagerly takes his seat between your thighs to taste his favorite person and his girlfriend.

Sugishita isn’t necessarily into sharing, but he wouldn’t fault you if you were enamored by Umemiya—because, duh, why wouldn’t you be? It doesn’t strike him as odd that you let Umemiya hit it raw, and of course, Sugishita would be more than willing to help clean you up with his tongue.

But Suo? Yeah, sharing you doesn’t bother him in the slightest—your pleasure is his pleasure after all, but he’d much prefer to take a supporting or leading role in your sexual liaisons with his friends. That’s why I have always written them as engaging in the pleasures of the flesh together because Suo needs to be with you as you experience every ounce of pleasure–you two, after all, are simply one-half of the same beating heart.

The idea of you getting fucked by anyone and him not being present to watch does not sit right with his soul. 

He needs to be there to provide instructions to your lover because he knows your pleasure better than anyone else–including you–ever could. He needs to be there to deliver quick quips aimed at you so he can see how your flustered eyes dart away from him. He needs to be there to offer whispered words of praise and gentle touches to build you up as he guides your hips in a rocking motion while you ride your temporary lover's cock like the goddess you are. 

He wants to see the way your eyes roll back into the back of your skull when the tip of Umemiya’s cock pushes past the entrance of your tight cunt with a pop, his length bottoming out in you immediately.

“Aw, come on, sweet girl, don’t get that fucked out expression just yet; we’ve only just started.”

Suo wants to see the way you blush when Nirei moans desperately into the sweat-slicked skin of your back as he takes you from behind.

“Isn’t that cute, pretty girl? Nirei really can’t help thanking you for getting to try out your sweet cunt. I bet it’s the best he has ever had.”

And Suo wants to watch you swallow and lick up every single drop of Sakura’s cum no matter where it lands: on the bed sheets, on the floor, or even on Suo’s cock. Wow! How did it land there?

“Looks like you better get on your knees, dove, and clean up the mess you both made.”

To imagine himself absent, not being the one to finish you off, and not being the last one to leave his mark inside of you makes him feel like he just might lose his grip on reality.

Because you need him, don’t you? Your temporary lover can only do so much for you, but the one who makes you scream until your throat burns and your voice cracks isn’t Nirei, Umemiya, or Sakura. No, the one who makes you quiver and shake while he holds you in his arms as he strokes your hair after a particularly intense session is Suo. 

Truly, it’s how you bond, so how could you do it without him? It’s like if you were binge-watching your favorite TV show with your partner, and then you come back the next day and they had continued to watch without you! That shit fucking hurts! It’s a betrayal to Suo–just not for the same reasons as it would be to those of us who are more “traditional” in our way of thinking.

So if he comes home to find you with a mischievous glint in your eyes as you tell him you have a surprise for him, he’ll be delightfully curious—were you thinking of him enough to plan a surprise? You shouldn’t have, but of course, he’s glad that you did! 

At first, he’d smirk, approaching you while already unbuttoning his pants. As you spread your legs, his eyes would travel down to the thick, white seed that would be oozing out of you, and despite his usual stoic demeanor, you’d notice the unmistakable but slight clench of his jaw. 

Suo knows what reaction you’re trying to get out of him, and he’s more than willing to give it to you. You want him to lose control, to let his well-placed and perfectly maintained mask slip.

All because you’re a brat.

All because you want to be fucked within an inch of your life.

All because you seek discipline and a firm hand to remind you who is genuinely in charge.

Well, sorry, but this simply isn’t the type of behavior that Suo plans on rewarding. And tonight, your self-imposed limits on your body's ability to receive pleasure—and for how long—are not his problem or concern. Tonight, he plans on pushing you past what you think you can handle. Do you think you’ve seen the brink before? Tonight, the brink is the starting point. 

“I’m not hurt, just disappointed,” he’d start as his fingers would wrap around your ankles, his grip tight as he’d pull your entire body down the length of the bed and toward him.

“C-cliches, Hayato? You’re so much better than that-OW!” A sudden swat to your thigh gives you pause as you lift your ass a few inches off the bed in response to the sting, but that damn grip of his keeps you anchored.

“The only thing I want to hear out of your mouth unprompted is an apology. Now, who was it?” 

As you divide your plush lips to speak up–probably to say something that’s not in your best interest–you hesitate at the sight of Suo narrowing his eyes at you. Nothing but dangerous intent swirls behind ruby-toned irises, sending a shiver down your spine. But you know Suo, and he’s dangerous to everyone but you. To him, causing you pain would be akin to causing himself pain and he isn’t in the business of torturing the other half of his soul.

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t plan on putting you in your place. Suddenly he’s hovering over you, his tassel earrings dangling in your face and tickling the gentle curve of your cheeks.

“W-who? Well…” you stammer, your eyes avoiding his sharp gaze.

While you’re wrestling with how honest you should be, he’s pushing two fingers deep inside of you, twisting his fingers to churn the cum in a way that feels violating. The sound of his fingers swirling the cum makes you blush because, between your heavy breathing, it’s the loudest sound in the room. 

“I knew she was greedy, but I had no idea you lacked self-control.” He pauses as the pace of his fingers pushing in and out of you quickens, and the squelches get more obscene. 

“Let’s see if I can figure it out. I know exactly how she feels after being ruined by each of our friends.” 

He’s not bluffing.

“Look how loud she is for me already. Was she this loud for…” he pauses as he goes down a mental list of who could have done this to you–and the duration of his pause makes your eyes narrow, and the tip of your ears heat up because now he’s being petty.

“Sakura?”

The way you snort lets him know he’s off base. Part of him is relieved it isn’t Sakura; his crush on you is borderline pitiful, and he wouldn’t want his friend to get the wrong idea. But if not Sakura, then who? Who would be brave–or stupid–enough to bypass him to get to you? 

As he twists his fingers inside of you, pulling a groan from your lips, his eyes linger on the way your nose scrunches up in pleasure and slight embarrassment. He leans in closer. “Tell me. Now.”

“I-it was Togame!”

Suo pulls back and looks at you like you just spat at him, making your heart speed up. His reaction is so visceral that you hold your breath in response. 

“Shishitoren trash?”

You wince; surely that beef was squashed long ago, you think. In some ways, it was, but there’s a bit of tension between Suo and Togame when it comes to you. 

Suo notices how Togame’s eyes sweep over you–as though he’s devouring you in his mind. Suo doesn’t mind the looking too much, but it’s the way Togame eye fucks you mercilessly and the way he somehow always manages to find excuses to touch and brush against you. 

He’s not threatened by his presence exactly, but the audacity of Togame pisses him off because not once has he asked for permission, not once has he approached him in the way that a gentleman would inquire about tasting what Suo considers his, not once-

Suo is snapped out of his spiraling as he notices your breathing has grown more rapid and your eyes glazed over long ago. Because, fuck, of course, he was still finger fucking you during his descent into madness. As you approach that oh-so-familiar edge, your toes curling in the way that tells him you’re close, he pulls his fingers out of you, leaving you feeling empty and anything but sated.

Your eyes snap open, their ferocity almost enough to make Suo forgive you right then and there and make you chant his name as he gives himself over to you–but lessons must be taught.

He holds the fingers up to your lips, the scent of Togame and yourself wafting into your nostrils and serving as a reminder of the intimacy you shared with him. Your bottom lip quivers ever so slightly and Suo drags his cum slicked fingers against your bottom lip, the sheen it leaves making you look so delicate, beautiful, and worthy of worship. His eyes flick down to your pout, lingering with an insatiable hunger that makes your core flutter. 

You can see his adams apple bob as he tries desperately to hold onto the thin thread of restraint threatening to snap. He can’t help but wonder if Togame got to see this side of you as he pushes his digits into your hungry mouth. You groan at the mixture of salty and sweet cum that coats your tongue and you can’t help but hollow your cheeks as you suck Suo’s fingers clean, your eyes never leaving his.

God and the way you twist your face in pleasure makes him want to lean in and taste your lips, allowing his tongue the privilege of experiencing what you taste like with another man’s essence on your tongue. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, and it’s a toxic mixture of possessiveness, fixation, and lust that makes him ache and throb for you.

He should have been there to watch you take Togame’s cock. He should have been there to revel in the way your hot, fat tears flowed down your face as he encouraged Togame to stick a thumb in your other hole. He should have been there to stifle your loud moans and gasps with his cock as Togame gave your greedy pussy deep, deep strokes. “Didn’t know you liked the dirty, skeevy appeal that Shishitoren offers. How did he fuck you? Tell me every single detail; I have all fucking night.”

And Suo does have all fucking night, and suddenly, so do you.

“You like being stretched out by Shishtoren cock? Maybe I should drop you off at the Ori and let the “Devotees of Power” have their way with you. How about Choji, hm? He’s a bit of a biter, you know, and I know how sensitive you are, darling; I don’t think you’d last very long” He grips your chin between his fingers, forcing you to look into his eyes. 

“I want to see every place where he touched you. I want to see where he touched what’s mine, so I can make you forget all about Jo Togame.” 

His eyes trail down, amused and pleased that you’re already obeying. Your fingers slip between your thighs as you watch his hungry gaze take in the way you spread your folds, and you know you have him exactly where you want him.

Anyway, 🍒 anon, this might be how it would go, but I wouldn’t make a habit of it because Suo has his limits, and I can’t promise he’ll be merciful next time. 

@pixelcafe-network @hayatoseyepatch @interstellar-inn

[harryjpotter-shitpost]

I can give Dudley the redemption arch because he was a child following after his parents (very abusive behaviors) but people are really defending Petunia and Vernon???? What the fuck?? Like it pretty much says in the first sentence of the whole series that they’re assholes! And it is canon that both Vernon AND Petunia were physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive to Harry until the last moment he left private drive.

The only reason I can give Dudley any kind of redemption or forgiveness is because we see him change in the books after the Dementor attack. I don’t think he and Harry will ever be close or very friendly, but I can see them having a civil relationship at least for their children. Or even just to make up for their shitty childhood that they shared together, as Dudley was also abused too. But this would definitely be after years of therapy and trying to make amends, it wouldn’t happen until many years after the war was over.

You would be surprised on how many posts I’ve crossed where people almost worship Petunia and say that Vernon is the one who forced her to hate her sister!!!

I believe that Dudley deserves redemption cause as you said he was a young person living in a very toxic environment. However, I’m always rather conflicted on how his relationship with Harry is post-war. I’ve read a few fics that had different perspectives on what their relationship have come to, and they’re all very interesting! But I’m not set out on one opinion. Sometimes I think Harry would try to leave it all behind him, but sometimes I think that maybe they’d reconnect as Dudley was obviously a very huge part of Harry’s life (even though it was horrendous) and the same goes the other direction. But I’m sure of one thing; I don’t think they’ll ever have a “close brotherhood” kind of relationship. Maybe sending presents over the holidays or reconnecting every few years, but never close, yk?

But anyways let me get back to my rant about Petunia. It’ll be under the cut :)

CW: mentions of abuse

Let’s get one thing straight: Vernon did not make her hate Harry nor was he pulling the strings in that house and the abuse regarding his nephew. It was Petunia. She collected ALL the hatred in that house and made sure it was taken out on Harry. Why? Because she’s a petty, small-minded and disgusting woman who abused the power she had over a child. All that to let out some of the childish jealousy she had against her DEAD little sister.

Here are some quotes from the books to use as a starting point:

“Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn’t have a sister,”

“They didn’t want Dudley mixing with a child [Harry] like that.”

“she [Petunia] always got so upset at any mention of her sister.”

"He [Vernon] cleared his throat nervously. ‘Er — Petunia, dear — you haven’t heard from your sister lately, have you?’ As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn’t have a sister. ‘No,’ she said sharply.”

“Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he’d heard the name ‘Potter.’ He decided he didn’t dare.”

“‘Harry’ [Said Petunia]. ‘Nasty, common name, if you ask me.’”

So these quotes are from the first chapter of the first book (Philosopher’s Stone).

As you can see, pretending the Potters don’t exist is a mutual decision from both sides and it seems that Petunia is more bothered by the mention of her sister than Vernon is because when he tries to bring up the Potters his main concern is upsetting Petunia. Never once does he mention his own disgust with them when trying to bring them up. No, it’s Petunia’s reaction he’s worried about. This doesn’t seem like a behavior of someone who is forcing his wife to hate her sister.

If anything it seems to me that Petunia have explained to her husband how much she dislikes the mention of her sister (and her sister’s entire family too) and so Vernon got the memo that the Potters should never be brought up. Which shows that Petunia is the one who fuels the hatred for the Potters in their household.

Now I’m not saying that Vernon is completely innocent, no he’s hates the Potters too. But his is more personal. After the whole double date incident when he felt that James was taking the mickey out of him and undermining his power. A bully like Vernon who likes to show off his money and power being insulted by a teenager made Vernon hate James’ guts.

“…James was amused by Vernon, and made the mistake of showing it. Vernon tried to patronise James, asking what car he drove.”

“Vernon could not tell whether he was being made fun of or not, and grew angry. The evening ended with Vernon and Petunia storming out of the restaurant.” -Pottermore

And I think that Vernon usually likes to pretend that the people he hates don’t exist, he’s way to high to be bothered by a cocky teenager who ‘doesn’t have a future’. He feels way too superior. During his wedding he made sure not to give James any attention, but made sure to return the humiliation he felt during the double date.

“Vernon refused to speak to James at the reception, but described him, within James’ earshot, as ‘some kind of amateur magician’.” -Pottermore

After Vernon obviously felt satisfied with his comeback, he never gives James a glance.

That’s why when mentioning the Potters he doesn’t even mention the double date incident because technically who’s that James next to him?? No, his wife’s reaction is the main concern.

And that’s the difference between the hate Vernon has towards the Potters and Petunia’s hatred. Whereas Vernon hates James specifically for undermining him and his money and power, Petunia hates them all because she ‘knows’ she’s less superior and special. This fuels her jealousy and anger towards them.

Therefore; Vernon’s ultimate superiority and Petunia’s ultimate loathing.

And you can see that Petunia already has it out for Harry even though she hasn’t met him yet; calling his name “Nasty”. Now I know some of you might interpret her sentence as Petunia criticizing her sister’s choice of names, but if that was the case she would’ve claimed the boy’s misfortune of having such a name or the kid’s misfortune on having parents like the Potters. But no, she mainly focused on the child. Which gives the impression that she’s disliked Harry the moment she knew about him.

“she [Petunia] received from Lily and James the announcement of Harry’s birth, and after one contemptuous look, Petunia threw it in the bin.” -Pottermore

These things sets the foundations for her dislike towards Harry. So when the moment comes where she actually meets him, he will be connected to the ‘detestable’ announcement and the ‘nasty’ name.

Then the times comes where she has to handle that child’s responsibilities and raise him.

And she did take him in, no one’s denying that, but this happened:

“She did it grudgingly, and spent the rest of Harry’s childhood punishing him for her own choice.” -Pottermore

She spent the rest of Harry’s childhood punishing him for her own choice.

She took him in. She hated every single moment of having to raise him. So she made sure he was punished for it.

If that is not abuse as some people like to say, then what is exactly???? Punishing an innocent child for taking him in? Are you guys serious?

That’s why her character disgusts me so much. I cannot stand her at all. Because if anything this is a psycho level of behavior. A sane person wouldn’t dream of hurting a small animal let alone a child. Her nephew.

And as for Vernon’s hatred towards Harry it stems out of the humiliation he felt when he met James. The fact that Vernon made sure to return that humiliation during the wedding satisfied Vernon and he didn’t have to think about James anymore. But Harry ( the carbon copy of James) serves as a constant reminder of that feeling, so his hatred towards Harry stems out from his injured masculinity. As Pottermore says:

“Uncle Vernon’s dislike of Harry stems in part, like Severus Snape’s, from Harry’s close resemblance to the father they both so disliked.”

So ya this is my rant about them. Sorry if this is all over the place, English isn’t my first language and this topic pisses me off so much🙂.

And I’d like to conclude that I hate them both, but hate Petunia at tad bit more :)

[mizukagami-takamagahara]

Annon-Guy: What are your thoughts on Rachel Alucard and Mei Amanohokosaka as characters?

I'm asking because Tsundere type characters being devisive, with Harsh Tsunderes being hated for being "abusive" girls that deserve to die for attacking physically and/or verbally.(whether they're in love or not)

It's apparent that we Western Fans (no offense to you) don't view them the way Japanese Fans do.

It is interesting how widely JP and Western tastes differ! I have a buddy who is really into studying fandom culture, and we’ve talked about the wildly different reactions to tsundere between the cultures! I wonder if I should call her in sometime to discuss why that is…

Anyways, personally I have no problem with the archetype. Sometimes they can annoy me, especially if they feel ‘forced’ into their archetype; if the character seems mean for “absolutely no reason,” to the point where it breaks my immersion, then I tend to dislike them.

I’ve never had this issue with BlazBlue, though. I really, really like BlazBlue’s character writing. I’d still say that if I ever met these girls in real life, I probably wouldn’t want to go drinking with them… but as characters in their stories, and as believable products of their environments, I adore them!!

- - - - RACHEL = ALUCARD

Rachel is SUCH a tragic fucking character. You can like or dislike how she’s coping with it, but if you engage with her character on any meaningful level, you have to acknowledge that her cruel, jaded behavior is a believable response to the situation she’s in. It’s not nice, it’s not pretty- neither is the life she’s trapped in. In what world has trauma or helplessness ever made us prettier, cleaner people?

She’s cold, distant, unempathetic- because if she lets herself remember how much she cares, the weight of it all might break her. She’s incredibly sensitive under that cold porcelain shell; she snaps into aggression very quickly when under pressure. Specifically when confronted things that she hasn’t been able to distance herself from, things she cares too much about to feign distant superiority.

- - - - MEI = AMANOHOKOSAKA

Powerlessness is something of a through-line among the tsundere characters in BB. Mei is also a character struggling with powerlessness, pain, and fear; and she responds to her situation n a lot of the same ways Rachel does.

To avoid feeling weak or trapped, she falls back on her lineage, seeking escape in her sense of pride. She’d rather tell everyone (including herself) that she’s separate and above everything around her. The alternative would require her to face the horrible truth that if she did try to seek comfort or companionship under her employment (servitude, extortion, etc.) to Unomaru, she would be denied it.

Her fear turns to aggression when backed into a corner, when her mask of aloof superiority can no longer protect her. In these cases, she can be explosively emotional; which isn’t at all surprising, considering how much she’s bottling up all the time.

Thinking about it a little, Rachel and Mei share a few more parallels, don’t they??? They both get very quiet when they let down their walls, reflecting the exhaustion they suffer from. They’re both in a uniquely knowledgeable position, with access to information about the world that most people don’t have, which further serves to alienate them- and creates this sort of “being the world’s protector” feeling I’d argue they both express.

They both lost their parents incredibly young, inheriting positions of nobility, leadership, and responsibility they were certainly not prepared for. They both keep going in the hope that a specific man in their lives will one day be able to have a future.

Their designs share several elements too. A delicate, doll-like feel to their features. Long straight hair that veils them from the world (despite Rachel tying hers up) and, in JP media, often symbolizes spiritualism and divinity. They both wear lolita fashion, with many layers that could also be argued to ‘shield’ them from the rest of the world, providing a form of mental armor and obscuring how small and fragile they are under it all.

I doubt these similarities are coincidence.

[seeminglyseph]

If I say something is not a safe space it’s mainly because it’s not exclusively a safe space and you should not let down your guard for your own triggers and safety because I’m not going to always know or be able to do that or even want to take on the burden of always saying and doing the right thing to make sure no one is upset or hurt in anyway.

I can do my best to not be actively unsafe in certain ways, but, there will always be risks and I will at times fail. I know that I will fail ‘cause I am human and I will say and do things that are thoughtless or ignorant or cruel or in anger or just… idk wrong? There are a lot of different ways to fuck things up. There are a lot of different ways to hurt people. I don’t always deserve forgiveness for that if I do hurt you that way.

This isn’t a statement about anything recently, I’ve just been thinking about the concept of “safe spaces” and what makes one a safe space. Why people expect certain things from certain creators and not from others. And part of it is that a certain degree of safety allows people to let down their guard so much that the appearance of something offensive becomes almost more shocking and offensive.

So I feel like, even if I’m doing my best to like… not actively be harmful, like… I’m still a person. Not a safe space. And that means that I am potentially capable of offending or talking about things that feel unsafe. Especially since I’m processing messy feelings of abuse and trauma. Many trauma victims are honestly way messier than a lot of folks seem to anticipate, and like. I get a lot of trauma survivors want their own safe spaces, but sometimes I really wonder why y’all think policing other trauma survivors to be less messy is making trauma survivors safer, rather than the opposite.

Like it doesn’t really make most spaces feel safe to me to know that I have to constantly self censor and often just not talk because I can’t tell if my traumatic experiences are colouring my perception and will make the situation uncomfy if I speak up or say something. But like, it is for the sake of trauma victims that the censorship has been enforced… like. I don’t know if I get it entirely. But it might be that it’s not the victims that the rules are for, but the people who aren’t victims but have heard of victims and are very very uncomfortable about it. Idk.

That’s why I’m both still processing and also not a safe space. I gotta talk about shit or I might explode or never understand. I’ve been trying to understand things for ages and been “sheltered” with blinders and bars on the windows for ages lmao

Life takes ages to learn and I think we gotta get messy and ask questions and fuck up…

[suicideadd]

Sometimes I think my brain should be studied for how badly depression can fuck a person up…

I feel like a black hole has been growing inside me and slowly consuming the life out of me. It’s almost done consuming the last will to live that I have.

Nothing makes me happy… I occasionally catch a glimpse of happiness but it never seem to last.

I’m always self loathing.

I can’t be happy. I am literally not capable of it. I feel like i don’t deserve to be.

I can’t cut off people that hurt me because I am terrified of being alone. I would rather be used and abused than have to endure a second alone.

I wonder when I stoped being happy? When did it all go wrong.

Why can’t i just be fucking happy.

Everyday I wake up and think to myself there has to be a reason why I am still here and honestly I can’t seem to find that reason. I am too far into life to kill myself now. Am I just going to have to live miserably for the rest of my life? Why didn’t I just do it when I was younger and cared less about others.

I keep telling myself I need to get back on meds but I haven’t.

All i’m doing is making everyone around me miserable. I can’t maintain a healthy bond with anyone. I don’t like making people who care about me upset because of my actions but holy shit I am so unstable. I’m screaming for help but no one hears me. I want help. I want to be okay. I don’t think anyone thinks i’m serious when I say I hate myself and want to die. How much more obvious do I have to be??? JFC please take me out of my misery. I can’t keep living like this. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for over a decade now.

Yes you read that correctly over a decade- 10 years plus of feeling like a piece of shit.

My last relationship was abusive and painful. I was lost. I wasn’t myself anymore. I still don’t think I am… I don’t think I will ever be the same. I’m skiddish and terrified of men. Anytime a man even slightly raised his voice at me I flinch because I think i’m about to get dropped/ dragged/ or hit. I feel like everyone is doing stuff behind my back and everyone secretly hates me… it’s not even secretly- some are very blunt and obvious.

I don’t know what else to do. My only coping mechanism that is slightly healthy is writing out how I feel on this stupid blog. This stupid miserable blog that has endured nothing but sad and depressing thoughts I carry. I never knew how much I would really use this blog. I am surprised I always find a way back to this blog.

I’m so sorry to myself for being the way that I am. I’m so sorry I let you down- we had huge dreams. I suppose that’s why they’re called dreams… wishful thinking.

Please keep trying… you have to… please.

[prodigal-explorer]

YESSSS I HAVE SO MANY

alphys from undertale. shes such a unique character and i’m obsessed with not only her growth, but the way she navigates the world, her guilt and her shame mixed with her strong desire to help others around her. the way she’s constantly battling severe social anxiety because she’s determined to use her gifts to make the world a better place, but she has a bit of a dark side because she’s willing to lie and cheat to get where she wants to go. but sometimes, things just go too far, and she loses control over the things she does. it’s so tragic and she’s just so fucking interesting. also she was the first openly gay character i’ve ever interacted with in my life and she’s the one who introduced me to the lgbtq+ community so uh thanks girl! for being the reason why i know i’m gay!

aubrey from omori. idk why the fuck y’all be hating on her cuz she’s the realest character in the whole damn game. she has such strong core values and she never backs down from them, even when they hurt her or put her in danger. aubrey would rather be hurt and true to herself than perfectly safe and a traitor to herself or others. she comes off as so strong and sure of herself but she’s just a little girl who was abandoned multiple times throughout her life, desperate for someone to just BE REAL with her. her life was ruined by what the two main male characters that get all the attention from the fandom did. she lost the one person who truly understood her. and everybody around her had a support system but she had none. she acted out of desperation, she wasn’t a bully like a lot of people like to say. i’m not saying she’s perfect (lowkey i am tho cuz fictional men get free passes all the time so i think she deserves one too) but everything she did was completely justified by the heartbreaking fact that she was ALONE. all alone. she’s my blorbo and i’m holding her in my arms. stop fucking attacking her and then defending those two guy main characters and calling them uwu baby gay boys AUBREY DESERVES SOME OF THAT TREATMENT CUZ SHES THE ACTUAL VICTIM HERE. but y’all won’t give it to her cuz she’s a fucking girl.

mari from omori. WE ARE BACK WITH MORE OMORI WOMEN CUZ THEY CANNOT CATCH A BREAK WITY YALL TOXIC BITCHES. first of all let’s get this out of the way she didn’t fucking abuse sunny. y’all just made that the fuck up because you can’t handle the idea of women being innocent victims who did nothing to earn their tragic ends. it ruins the whole fucking point of the game if she abused sunny. okay now that that’s out of the way MARI IS AN ANGEL. she’s such a beautiful character, the way she’s so fiesty but also so gentle and sweet. she cares so much about other people, and she just is so fun-loving. she goes out of her way to make life SPECIAL and meaningful. everywhere there’s beauty in the world, mari sees it. shes my blorbo too she’s so precious and wonderful and she deserves everything. and she’s not just an amazing big sister or an amazing girlfriend. she’s an amazing PERSON. she’s so beautiful and she spreads so much light in every room she walks in she MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

nao egokoro from your turn to die. she is deadass the best character in the entire game and it’s CRIMINAL that she doesn’t get the attention she deserves. and don’t be telling me that it’s because she died early on cuz JOU DID TOO AND YALL HAVE NO PROBLEM GIVING HIM ATTENTION. anyway, her growth is AMAZING. her journey is beautiful and engaging and i am obsessed with the way she eventually started to find herself in her adulthood and discovers the strong, capable, amazing woman she had always been. she cares so much about her friends, sara and reko, and she works so hard to repay them for all the times they helped her. she tries to shoulder burdens so that sara doesn’t need to. she’s so protective over the people she loves, not letting people badmouth them. and she’s just SO PRECIOUS. a beautiful painter who’s so emotional that she sees the whole world in the most vibrant colors.

sara chidouin from your turn to die. idk why she gets so much hate (oh wait i do know. she’s a GIRL.) cuz she’s actually the perfect main character and i haven’t encountered a more perfect main character since link from legend of zelda. sara is so uniquely designed to the point where she’s completely iconic. she’s the perfect balance of self-insertable main character and individual with a personality and life of her own outside the whims of the player. her personality is so interesting too! she’s reliable and trustworthy and has an insurmountable charisma, which is typically a trait that’s given to male characters but sara wears it so well. she’s such an amazing main character and she’s definitely one of the biggest reasons why i think the game is so successful. and she’s just COOL AS FUCK.

all this to say: FICTIONAL WOMEN ON TOP. yeah i get it you guys want uwu little baby gay boys blah blah whatever but DO NOT DRAG WOMEN JUST SO MEN CAN BE ON TOP. we get enough of that irl so leave my baby girls alone please and thank you.

favorite character from any media BUT it has to be a woman. in the tags now go (pls talk to me about your favorite fictional women pls pls pls pls)

[kadolade]

Opening My Stupid Mouth: A Highschooler’s Eighth Rant

”'Cause I still believe in miracles, I swear I've seen a few And the time will surely come when you can see my point of view I believe in second chances And that's why I believe in you”

— Pollyanna (I Believe In You) by Catherine Warwick

So, there is stuff I have to tell Ciel. There’s always more issues surrounding me and my relationship with Ciel. I used to trust her more than anyone in my entire life, but now I don’t.

I’ve kind of spent my entire life building up walls around myself, to protect myself and subsequently the people I care about. I’ve never really opened up before, and I tend to hide behind jokes and comedy rather than open the gates of all my repressed feelings and emotions. Because the first time I let down my guard a tiny bit, I was hurt. I was hurt, Felix was hurt. And after I, really, I swore to never let my guard down like that again. I wouldn’t trust anyone ever again, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to open my heart up to someone.

And after that, Ciel came around. And after having gone through all… of that, I didn't trust Ciel one bit. I was cold and hardened by my experiences, I wanted to be the protector, I wanted to be strong. I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling small and vulnerable and I hate it I hate it i hate it i hate it.

So I was a dick to Ciel at the start, I was mean and uninterested and I hated her. But then we actually *talked*, and I saw who she really was. Ciel, she’s… she’s wonderful.

Though, I was still guarded. Felix and Lonnie are the only people in the world I trust fully. Lonnie and Felix are the only people I really care about. And you (void) may be going “but Dave if you’re so concerned about vulnerability and shit, why are you ranting about your feelings on the internet?”

And the answer is fuck you that’s why

Anyway, I don’t like talking about my issues and stuff, like sorting it out and analyzing what the root cause is, or what’s even wrong with me. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of repressed trauma but PFFFT!! DON’T WE ALL??!!

I want to tell Ciel about how I feel uncomfortable with her, I have to tell her. She deserves to know. I have to tell her that I want to change my name, I have to tell her I crave her attention and I feel neglected, I have to tell her I struggle to say “I love you” sometimes, I have to tell her that this time of year is when I’m the worst mentally. I have to tell her that even though she’s snapped at me before when I get tired and can’t talk properly, I still love her. I probably come off as uncaring or just distant, but that’s not what’s going on.

She wants me to talk to her, but I don’t think she really understands how scary that is for me. I’ve grown up differently than her. I’m semi-sheltered, I’m probably getting emotionally abused but whatever, I’m not allowed to express my thoughts and feelings properly, my parents are fucking transphobic. Everything I am, they are against. I can’t talk. I don’t feel safe.

I need constant reassurance, I need constant attention, I need constant guidance and comfort. I’m not talking “oh you’re so pretty ahahahahha love you!!” That can be nice, I suppose, but it’s not what I want?

You just have to listen to me when I talk about the shit I like, make me not feel like a loser for wasting your time, but please actually have something to say back.

I need to hear that I’m doing good, that I’m doing this whole relationship thing right, I need to be reassured that I’m not a bad boyfriend, that I’m doing a good job, as lame as it sounds.

I need to be told what to do every once in a while, I’ve been following strict rules my entire life, sometimes I feel uncomfortable by the amount of freedom I have with you. But of course that’s weird, isn’t it? I used to feel comfortable enough to tell you this, Ciel, but now I’m scared of the backlash I’ll face.

Ciel, I’m sorry I yelled at you, and I’m sorry I told you I was uncomfortable with you and that you made me anxious and scared. But I’m not sorry for telling the truth. You wanted to hear it, so I just said it. Not everything, but I said the bare minimum and you ran. You fucking ran. And now I feel like a piece of shit.

I’m sorry that sometimes I just need some time to myself, that I’m emotionally unavailable sometimes, that I get closed off and quiet. I’m sorry that sometimes I just really need you proverbially to cup my cheek and tell me I’m doing right, that I’m getting better and better and that you’re fucking proud of me for my progress..

..instead of leaving me on read when I finally confess what’s been on my mind.

I know you’ll never see this, and if you do: err, hi.

Just

I know shit’s tough being with me, love, but I promise I get better in the end. Or at least I try to. I know sometimes I seem like I hate you or something, and sometimes you not seeing my point of view on stuff annoys me and makes me feel despaired, but I believe in you.

I believe in us.

[everythingseasoning]

The Secret Of Us is the perfect musical diary of me at 17 falling in love with a AFAB person who is still the most beautiful human I’ve ever fucking seen. How two monsters could make such a sensitive, intelligent, wonderful human, is literally insane. Their parents are horrible and I have never met somebody more deserving of love than them. The stories of abuse and neglect I’ve heard were mortifying. Malignant. But they are still so beautiful and kind and wonderfully weird and so fucking smart and amazing and precious. I’m so beyond proud of them. I hope they’re okay. We don’t talk anymore, after high school ended, things fell off. It just… happened. We went separate ways. We went from 7 hour phone calls every night, falling asleep to their voice, writing poetry about them, to nothing at all. We went from texting hours and hours and hours a day, to silence and forgetting the other exists. We went from everything to nothing at all. But I’ll care about them forever. I hope they’re okay. I hope they’re okay. I hope they’re okay. We fell out of touch, and I can’t reach out. I did already. If they choose to reply years later, that’s great. I’ll always welcome them back into my life. Maybe to my own demise. I don’t really care.

I got mother zoned because they said my love was “unconditional” and “motherly.” (I was not at all near perfect though. I was immature too in many ways when I got hurt, and I regret that). They liked me in the beginning and then stopped when I cared for them the way I did. I never related more to somebody. Our mother wounds mirrored in many places. Theirs was always worse though. I’ll be the first to say that. I never was so fascinated and devoted to somebody. (Hurt people who still maintain their sensitivity have my whole heart :( — But I was also never so unloved by somebody. They couldn’t love me. They knew that. I would’ve risked everything for them, to make us work. I told them that. They said no. They said they’d do something to hurt me, that that was their habit. They said they couldn’t let themselves hurt me that way. I’m grateful, looking back, that they made that choice. I wasn’t mature enough to know my own limitations, too, or what I deserved in a relationship, or how things would affect me if I gave them everything and they couldn’t reciprocate. I hope they know I don’t think they’re a bad person, that they’re damaged. I get it. I have been in their shoes. I often am. (Mother pains, man. Mother wounds.) They were kind, straight up and honest from the start.

If anyone deserves unconditional love from me, it’s them. And the other friend I had who showed me what being loved is like. And the other friend who has been nothing but good to me.

Sometimes I wonder though, do they miss the secret of us? What we had… It was… They were… Incomparable. Fuck, It Was Chemical. Them, Plus, Me, Was, Us.

[segretigraziosa]

For the past several days I’ve been in so much fucking pain. Like all over my body but my head, neck and left foot are bothering me most.

I broke my foot back in high school and now when the whether gets bad my foot hurts just like if did when I broke it, beginnings of arthritis I’d imagine.

And my head well, ever since my headaches began my heads been a barometer of sorts. When a high pressure system comes through the area, almost guaranteed I’ll have a migraine.

But on top of that I’ve been having a shit load of intrusive thoughts. Some amazing things happening in my relationship are triggering some old feelings from my ex, who was incredibly abusive, to say the least.

He got much worse when he said he was going to come visit me. He purposely and repeatedly made me do things that encouraged my eating disorder by extorting me and to deal with that I began self harming again.

My current partner would never do that and I can say this with some confidence since they’ve been a part of my life for ten years now. But that doesn’t stop the feelings and the remembered emotions from coming up and I’m doing my best to process them as they arise but it’s so fucking hard to quiet the voices that I screaming at me to give in.

The voices that tell me I have to do this to earn his approval (he approves, he couldn’t keep his hands off me once I got comfortable enough to let him). That this is the only way I can be deserving of his love, which he loudly and proudly proclaims.

These are 1000% my own feelings of inadequacy and body issues that I’ve struggled with my entire life. There’s not a single point in time in my life, from the earliest memory I have until now that I ever remember feeling like I was enough simply for being me.

I’ve always felt that I needed to make myself smaller, make myself invisible, so as to not burden anyone anymore than my sheer presence already did. And when I was in high school this culminated in bulimia.

I was 15 when I started getting headaches. I was also 15 when I started making myself puke. Often to the point of seeing blood. And I can’t help but wonder if these headaches and migraines (because I get both daily headaches and chronic migraines) are somehow my fault.

Like maybe I puked so hard that I messed something up and accidentally hurt myself?? I’m not even sure if that’s possible tbh. But I know that there were times when I would have little red dots around my eyes, I had burst capillaries near my eyes from the force of my puking.

I remember sometimes afterwards I would feel very lightheaded, like a bad case of vertigo and I would shakily hold the wall on the way back to my room.

As I lay in my bed in pain I feel like I’m to blame for this somehow. Somehow I did something that caused me to have these. I know it’s not rational but regardless it’s how I feel. And then that feeds into the intrusive thoughts even more and it’s just a never ending cycle of being in pain, fighting my demons and searching, pleading, hoping, desperately to finally feel like I’m enough, like I’m not a burden

[imayhavesomeissues]

I honestly don’t know what he wants from me at this point. One moment they’re hugging me and being all happy and cheerful, and the next it’s like I don’t exist?? He seems so upset around me sometimes. Everyone does. Why do I fucking bother if everyone just feels worse after spending time with me? No one actually needs me, so why do I fucking bother doing all this stuff to see them happy? Did I actually learn anything from being bullied and abused for 7 years or am I still a shitty pushover like I always was?

I’m so fucking disappointed that i thought people liked me. They don’t? Or at least, they don’t anymore. I talk too much. I joke too much. I have a shit attention span. I complain too much. There’s nothing that I like about myself. There’s nothing others like about me.

I tried listening to G’s favourite songs, or asked questions when he sent me pictures of his hyper fixations. I tried watching L’s favourite show, and I didn’t practically enjoy it, no, but I want to see them happy. And they’re not, so why am I fucking trying?? I’ve always been a shitty fucking friend because I always end up worse off than before.

Sometimes I actually wonder why I try making friends. If it’s worth the effort. It’s not like I actually benefit from it, aside from a few months of joy where I forget about trying to please people. Actually, I don’t even try doing that, so I don’t know what the fuck I’m going on about. I want to tell them, because fuck, it hurts when I don’t say anything compared to just being ignored. No one actually cares about me, do they? I’m expendable. Something they can come to when they feel bad, then leave behind. I’m a fucking tool. I’m not actually anyone’s friend. If I was, they’d say it. They’d say it to my face, and hold me tight and say how much they care about me and love me and cherish me because I’m irreplaceable. Because I’m myself. Because i don’t put on a facade, and show them my true dumbass self.

Why can’t I have that? It really isn’t that hard, is it? Or do I deserve the life I had before, where I constantly cried over how pathetic I was and how I let myself get gaslit and bullied and hurt? Because at least I didn’t worry about friends then. I didn’t have any. I was pitied back then.

[uozlulu]

It’s that time of night again. Alone with the thoughts. So many thoughts.

Still thinking about the quandary of desire. What would it feel like? What would it be like? Would it be consuming? What would it feel like? Would it be like a perseveration? Would it be less intense? Would it be like how people try to convey it in stories or would it be kind of muted? More subtle?

Would it be like being the center of attention? That seems absolutely horrible. Although I don’t mind sharing the stage with others, of doing solos as long as someone else is with me. Maybe I was just built for more than one person? Although it seems like the more people you add the more complicated something that seems complicated becomes, and then if it’s two against one that’s double the center of attention and that sounds very unappealing.

I used to feel very heart poundy around certain people and I used to blush and so forth. Sometimes I’d trip over myself and stuff. I don’t really do that anymore and haven’t for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if desire is connected to stuff like that but at the same time I’m not sure if it was a desire for those particular people or a desire to know things. I used to be very curious about kissing, if it was really going to be like stories promised or if it’d just end up feeling like it looks, like just mouths. I mean you know every builds alcohol up and it tastes like poison so....I also think a big part of it was a desire to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted for myself. Like people around me loved me but I felt very alien, very out of space, out of place, and I just wanted to feel like I was a person for once in my life, that I had some kind of intrinsic existential worth. But since then I’ve figured out that that’s a bit too out of reach and I’ve adjusted myself accordingly. I’m much more content with who I am than I used to be because of it. I wouldn’t say I feel particularly human, but I at least have healed enough to not feel like an object deserving of abuse.

But despite all this wondering and contemplation, it still feels ridiculously pointless because at the end of the day these are things I will never know most likely. I mean I’m thirty-eight and despite going on a handful of dates with a handful of boys in high school never once - not ever - has anyone ever tried to kiss me. I’ve thought about kissing some people in my life when I was younger but sometimes I wonder if it was out of desire or out of curiosity. I’m very science brained and I used to be so desperate to be loved so so so so so desperate. Honestly thank goodness I was considered very ugly or I might have gotten myself into repercussions.

Anyway, I’m still thinking about desire. I’ve started to read E rated fics more though I stick to the ones with actual plot and kind of like skim the E portions because it’s not really my monkey or circus. But I think it’s part of this desire curiosity. What draws people into such things? What draws estranged lovers together again? What might make someone who knew you when you were younger and in your prime still consider you an option even now? Even if your hands shake? Even if your memory isn’t what it used to be?

I mean like back when my BMI was 18 and I had my health relatively, everyone called me fat and ugly every day. I was fake asked out so many times I lost track of how many. One time a guy fake asked me out in math class loudly before class started and I went from 0 to LIVID in picoseconds but I didn’t say anything before I didn’t want to tell him to fuck off and get in trouble with the teacher if they were to walk in suddenly. Some other kid went, “She looks so hopeful,” and everyone.

Everyone.

Everyone laughed.

I can’t even remember how I responded. I think I got so angry there’s no way even pre-seizure return me would have remembered.

But I think that’s part of what drives this too. I’ve always been so undesireable even if I did manage to date a few boys here and there. I mean no one asked me out in university even before I got so super inflamed and stuff.

That said, I did make peace with some of this after turning thirty. I do feel more happy and light now that I’ve let go of my expectations of ever being anything other than forever alone. But I guess I can’t stop feeling curious about things. - Maybe I’ll get lucky and these thoughts will run their course sooner than later.

[sarcastic-salem]

I find myself curled up in bed crying much more often since I’ve gone off hormones. Not because I stopped taking them although that does make me sad. Somewhat. But because I feel safer now to address parts of my trauma that I had repressed.

I think that I was effected by toxic masculinity as well. I was told I had to feel a certain way and perform certain actions in order to be valid. I am not a performer.

But I refuse to live my life in a permanent state of political rebellion.

Cause that’s how it felt trying to live as a feminine trans man. I tried it and ya know what — its not my responsibility. Its not my job to be angry at all the injustices men and transmasc people face. I am angry about it, but I do not have to be angry all the time. I choose not to be. I am not a superhero and I am done living a life full of anger and resentment.

I cannot live happily that way, so I refuse to live that way.

And I’ve been enjoying presenting femme and using feminine pronouns again. I use — he/she/they pronouns by the way. I use them interchangeably. Presenting femme has brought about its own set of triggers and repressed traumas.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about my abusers.

Like when my ex-husband and I decided to experiment with kink for the first time. He came in our room, straddled me, and put a pillowcase over my head. He was completely silent and unsmiling the whole time, and he had NOT asked my permission before doing this. I had NOT consented to this, so I freaked the fuck out and made him get the hell off of me.

That is NOT how kink is supposed to work.

And this may sound unbearably stupid, but for a long time I couldn’t figure out what he could have possibly been thinking when he decided to that. No one ever commented on the situation. Probably because they pitied me. Then a while ago, I realized it was because he would have rather been with anyone but me.

“It was between you and this one other girl.”

That’s what my last semi-serious boyfriend told me. To my face. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized how completely disrespectful it was that he said that to me. That I had been his second choice. I can’t help wondering if it had been a test because he was frightening — he had spent three years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Which he did not tell me until the relationship had already gotten serious. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.

I can’t help wondering if he wanted to see how much of a fight I would put up.

And I think about that all the time now.

When I find myself curled up in bed, I feel like I don’t deserve to cry. Or to feel grief. Or pain. I feel like I have to hold it in.

“Its okay to cry,” Loki will tell me. “You’re allowed to feel. No matter what gender you are — no matter who you are, you’re allowed to feel.”

Sometimes when I feel like Loki is about touch me or when I think he might say something flirty or playful, I can’t help but flinch and I get so angry. I get angry at myself cause I know he would never hurt me.

Loki thinks this is a good thing. He thinks I am healing and making good progress because I am finally processing my emotions.

But I don’t want him to say kind things to me. I want him to hate me for doubting him and for being timid with him. Even if its only temporary.

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

Neighborly | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Hi, friends! I don’t know about y’all, but I have has some weird shit happen to me in the different apartment complexes I’ve lived in-although never something quite like this.

Hope you all enjoy this one :)

Hit me up with comments, questions, and/ or suggestions!

-Hope

Tag list: @beefybuckrrito, @shadytalementality, @everything-burns-down, @mandersshow 🥰💘

**TW: blood, stitches**

————————————————

It had been almost six months since Sargeant James Buchanan Barnes had moved into your apartment building. Having this century old hardened assassin turned superhero living right down the hall from you was...strange, to say the least. Some people in the building were afraid of him- a few of them even moved out when they realized that he was the infamous Winter Soldier.

But you'd done your research and had come to the conclusion that he didn't need redemption or a pardon- he was a victim, and he deserved compassion. He'd been the victim of medical experimentation, brain washing, and physical and mental abuse for seventy years. Now, all he wanted was a quiet, safe place to live, and you had no issues with him doing so down the hall from you.

The two of you had shared a few elevator rides in the past and made small talk in the hallway, but you weren't exactly close. He was always nice to you, opening doors and helping you carry your groceries when you had too many bags. He was alone all the time and you'd offered to cook him dinner on several different occasions, but he always had some kind of excuse. It made sense that he'd want to isolate himself, seeing as most people thought he was some sort of supervillain. But you knew he was still recovering from his years of mistreatment and could probably use a home cooked meal and a friend to share it with.

Your work schedule at the hospital had you keeping pretty odd hours as part of the emergency room nursing team. You'd spend every night from 6pm to 6am seeing patients coming in with broken bones and head trauma. Now that you were a night owl like Bucky you started seeing him far more often, which was not something you would ever complain about. He was fucking gorgeous, to the point that you sometimes wondered how he was even real. His jawline was sharp enough to cut glass and his eyes were a deep, sapphire blue that you'd love to drown in. He was tall and muscular, which was made more prominent every time you shared an elevator with him; his hulking frame always took up most of the small space, forcing you to be extra close to him. And the sight of his strong, vibranium arm made your mind go to interesting places...

He wasn't someone you knew well, but you still worried about him often. He was always coming home with dark, indigo bruises and what looked like stab wounds. Any time you saw him with a new injury you'd offer to take care of it for him, but he always insisted he could handle it himself. Every time he refused your help, you wanted to drag him back to your apartment and make him sit still while you tended to his wounds, but you managed to bite your tongue.

It was 6:37am when you finally stumbled through your front door, absolutely exhausted from another long night of ER duty. Peeling off your scrubs and throwing them in the washing machine, you padded to the bathroom for a scalding hot shower. You wanted to rid your body of the sweat and grime of your twelve hour shift and then pass the fuck out. The almost boiling shower relaxed your tense muscles and melted away the gross feeling you always had after working in the ER. Throwing open the shower curtain, you wrapped yourself in a towel and began your pre-bed routine--until there was a knock on your door.

"Um, one second!" you called, frantically pulling on a t-shirt and some Nike shorts; you'd answered the door in a towel before and your pervy UPS guy had been all too happy to see you basically naked. You ran to the door and threw it open, expecting yet another amazon package, but you were instead greeted by the deep blue eyes you daydreamed about. "Hey, neighbor," Bucky muttered, leaning against your doorway for support and clutching his side. Your mouth ran dry as the shock of seeing him at your door set in. "H-hi," you stammered, "um, what's up?"

A nervous smile flashed across his face and he let out an awkward laugh, making him wince and almost double over. "Woah, woah, hey," you gasped, taking quick steps in his direction to help support him. "What happened?" He gazed up at you as you worked to sling his heavy arm around your shoulders and pull him into your apartment. "Just another day at the office," he groaned. You helped him sit down in a kitchen chair and noticed that the hand he held closely to his abdomen was stained red with blood. "Alright, Barnes, I need you to elaborate a bit," you implored him as you assisted in removing his leather jacket.

"Right, uh, we got shot at...and they didn't miss", he explained. He peeled his hand away from his wound and finally gave you a good look at it. He'd been shot, alright, and it was bad. The entry wound was wide and ugly, barreling into his abdomen and producing no exit wound. "Oh, okay, umm...I don't-I'm not a surgeon. I'm a nurse. I can't-I mean, you need surgery and-" Bucky shook his head, putting an end to your nervous rambling.

"I don't need surgery", he laughed. "I'm a super soldier, remember? I'm gonna be fine. I just need you to get the bullet out and stitch me up...please. I’d do it myself but-". Your heart hammered rapidly inside your chest and your hands began to shake as you thought of digging a fucking bullet out of this man's flesh. "You work in the ER, right? You see way worse stuff than this on a daily basis. You can do this…I trust you." Bucky said with a reassuring smile.

It took you a few deep breaths but you were able to get your head straight and fall into work mode. You instructed him to hold pressure to it while you retrieved everything you'd need for this impromptu surgical procedure. Flying around your apartment, you collected betadine, forceps, gauze, latex gloves, bandages, and a suture kit. Once again, you wrapped one of Bucky's muscular arms around your shoulders and helped him lie down on the couch. Your nervous hands slowly removed his shirt and it took everything in you not to stare at his perfect body. Everything was prepared, sterilized, and ready to go when you realized you'd forgotten something important.

"Shit..." you muttered as you stood up to go raid your medical supplies one more time. "What's wrong?" Bucky asked. You let out a defeated sigh, "I don't have anything to numb you. I don't have lidocaine here and-you're gonna feel everything". A dark laugh rose from Bucky's chest and he shook his head at you, "you're cute. And that’s really sweet- I appreciate the thought. But after everything I've been through...I don't need it. I've had way worse".

You felt your chest tighten and your stomach drop as everything you'd read about Bucky came flooding back: his capture, the serum, his fall from the train, the shoddy removal of his arm, his years of torment and abuse-your heart broke, and it took everything in you to stay focused on the task at hand. "Okay, well, um...let's get this over with, then".

Kneeling next to the couch, you donned your gloves and opened the sterile packaging that held your necessary tools. You leaned in, taking an extra close look at where the bullet was lodged, and made your game plan. "Okay," you said, "stay as still as you can for me, and don't forget to breathe". A thumbs up from Bucky's metallic hand was the green light you needed to dive in. Your forceps made their way slowly into the wound and you watched Bucky's eyes shut tight at the sensation. "I know, I know, I'm sorry," you cooed, "but you're doing so good".

Slowly but surely, you dislodged the bullet and placed it in an empty container. A huge exhale left Bucky's lips once the projectile was removed, and his tensed jaw relaxed a bit. You held gauze to the wound, collecting the dark red blood that oozed from it. "I'm gonna give you a second before I start stitching," you promised. "I want you to catch your breath first".

Bucky nodded, closing his eyes once again and falling silent for a moment. With your free hand, you gently stroked his forearm in an attempt to provide him with some comfort. An involuntary smile quickly spread across his face, and his furrowed brow began to slowly relax. "I know I always decline your invitations for dinner," Bucky muttered, "but it's not because I don't want to come...I just-I'm not great at being social, I guess".

"It's totally fine," you reassured him, "I just know you're alone a lot and I want you to feel like you have a friend here." He smiled once again and placed his cold, metal hand on top of yours, giving it a squeeze. "Thanks, sweetheart", Bucky murmured. Your faced suddenly flushed and you got nervous, not sure what to say next. "Um, okay, let's uh-let's get you stitched up" you announced awkwardly.

Bucky nodded, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths to prepare himself. Slowly, you began suturing his wound shut. You didn't have much experience doing stitches and wanted to get it right, making sure they wouldn't rip out by accident. Bucky's jaw tensed ever so slightly, but what he'd said earlier had been right- getting stitches with no anesthetic or pain relief was nothing to him. And that made you sad. You thought once again of all the terrible things that had happened to him, and wondered how he was still such a nice guy…

As you administered the final stitch, Bucky let out a sigh of relief and glanced down at your handiwork. "See, I knew you could do it," he said, "You did a great job". Taking his hand in yours, you helped him sit up on the couch and catch his breath. "How do you feel?" you asked, giving your patch job one more close look. "I feel great," he murmured, "you're a life saver". You chuckled and rolled your eyes at him, "yeah, that's literally my job".

You began gathering your materials and putting them away in an attempt to stop yourself from staring at Bucky's shirtless torso and drooling all over him. "You know," he said as he stood up and made his way over to you, "I've been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you..." His confession stopped you in your tracks and you felt your heart hammering against your ribs. "I'd love to spend some more time with you that doesn't involve me bleeding in your kitchen".

Suddenly, he was standing only a few inches from you, gazing down at you with his perfect blue eyes. "Y-yeah. I'd like that too..." you stammered. "Maybe you should take me up on my offer for dinner sometime". He rolled his eyes at you and let out a small chuckle as a playful smile spread across his face. "Well, this was kind of a weird first date," he joked, "so I'd love to have dinner with you. But you're not cooking- you've done enough for me already. Let me take you out?"

"Tomorrow's my day off…", you mumured. He took another step toward you, almost completely closing the gap between your bodies. "Perfect", he said, before leaning in and giving you a kiss on the cheek. "If I'd have known that getting shot would get me a date with you, I would've taken a bullet months ago."

[bnha-more-like-bnh-gay]

Rarepair headcanons because I am ignoring my problems

Serodeku:

Izuku reenacts the Spider-Man movies with Sero. Izuku is MJ. They also alternate being Spider-Man sometimes

They skate together

They get very protective when people call their boyfriend “plain”

They play dnd together

Sero tries to make sure that izuku gets some rest

They’re both kinda insecure, izuku more than sero, but still; and they make sure to reassure each other as often as possible

Sero likes listening to Izuku’s ramblings and finds them cute. He has told izuku this, only for the poor boy to imitate a tomato

After Izuku has been particularly reckless, Sero takes advantage of his quirk, wraps Izuku in bubble wrap, and tapes it there

Tokodeku:

Jocknerd bf and goth bf, we love to see it

Tokoyami teaches izuku how to sword fight

They start a dnd club at U.A.

Izuku talks to dark shadow a lot, Dark Shadow approves of him, and has claimed the spot of best man at their wedding

Izuku comes up with ideas to help Tokoyami gain control with Dark Shadow

Dark Shadow is very protective over Izuku, no matter how many times Tokoyami tells him that he can take care of himself, Dark Shadow will put himself between Izuku and any form of danger as often as possible

Dekoyama??? Aoyama/izuku:

Aoyama gives him makeovers, obviously

Aoyama drags izuku to the mall and tries to revamp some of his wardrobe, but he actually finds the “pants” and “flannel” type shirts cute

They help each other train their quirks

Aoyama is trilingual, and teaching izuku English and French.

Izuku always brings Aoyama home some new cheese

Y’all, I love them so much. There needs to be more aodeku content

Monoshinsou:

They have people watching dates. They come up with stories for the people they’re watching; their job, family, background, etc.

They judge people together

They call each other “love”

They’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They jokingly sh*t-talk class A

Shinsou said “I love you” first, and it was because Monoma brought him coffee to class

Monoyama:

Like monoshinsou, they’re both dramatic bastards, who will flop onto their lovers lap and proclaim their death due to a minor inconvenience

They go shopping together and pick out the most dramatic pieces of clothing for each other

I love them so much, please 😭✋

They have tea parties every week, where they sh*t talk everyone else and gossip

They are both fancy bastards, and they wear the most exquisite outfits to go grocery shopping, and the outshine everyone

They both actually make clothing, they’ll go fabric shopping together. Gift exchanges are often articles of clothing that they’ve made for each other

Momomei:

They work on gear together!!!

Momo makes sure that mei gets some sleep

Mei helps redesign momo’s suit

They often work together with izuku to work in gear and such

They actually got together after izuku introduced them. He had been working on gear with mei, and studying with momo and he thought they’d hit it off. He was correct

Shintsuyu:

Dude they’d be so cute

Tsu is a vent gremlin, and you can’t change my mind. So she and shinsou will play a game where they try to find each other. Tsu is in the vent and shinsou is in the classrooms. Shinsou will try to find whichever vent she’s in, or she’ll find whichever classroom he’s in, in 20 minutes or less

I always headcanoned tsu as a dog person, so they’d have two cats and two dogs, and a bunny that they named Deku

They like comparing their friends to animals, hence the bunny, Deku

Kamideku:

Kaminari is a flirt, and izuku does n o t know how to handle it

Kaminari likes listening to izuku’s ramblings, and can keep up with them. He’ll ask questions on things too, and Izuku has never felt more appreciated

I don’t know why I feel like they’d have so many animals, but I do. They’d have so many, man. Three cats, two dogs, four sugar gliders, a hamster

Adhd power couple. They hyperfixated on complimentary things at the same time one time

Kaminari tutors izuku in English, and izuku turots kami in some other subjects. He’s also teaching kami JSL on the side. Kaminari has a live of languages

Momochako:

Study dates, Momo asks ochako to quiz her a lot

Ochako takes to floating momo’s things when she wants attention. Especially when Momo is studying. She makes a game out of how many things she can float until the other girl notices

Uraraka’s confidence does wonders for momo’s. Uraraka always makes sure to reassure momo that she is strong and that she can do this

Momo makes Uraraka whatever her heart desires. Uraraka blushes all the time, and momo takes great pride in getting her girlfriend to blush

Minatoru:

Mina clings to everyone, but especially to toru

They give each other stuffed animals so often. They’ll go to the store to get food, and come back with three stuffed animals that reminded them of each other

Please, they’re so cute 😭✋

They will play hide and seek, I stand by this.

Mina helps toru design a new costume. I hate hers, it’s horrible, and sexist, and not suitable for a fucking child

Toru says that pink is her favorite color

They flirt with each other all the time. Half the class thinks it’s cute, half of them used to think it was cute.

Iidamomo:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but study dates. they quiz each other, and it actually gets pretty competitive

They also have rage room dates. I will not budge on this. Iida tried to murder someone, and I am excited to see momo finally snap. She deserves it

They alternate paying for dates, don’t try me.

The go hiking a lot

They started liking each other after one late night, both having nightmares. Momo had tea, and offered some to Iida. They talked until the early hours of the morning

They can’t flirt. They try. But they’re horrible at it. They’ll compliment each other all day long, but they cannot flirt.

KIRIDEKU, MY BELOVED:

Y’all,,, y’all, I love them so much

They train together, obviously

They ran into each other one night in the common room after both having nightmares. They talked about middle school, how they were both bullied, izuku’s quirk coming in late, katsuki being abusive, kiri being bullied because his quirk wasn’t “cool.” After that, they were practically inseparable.

They started going on dates, not that either of them knew they were dates. The entire class knew, so did the teachers, so did the rest of U.A. Kirishima picked up on it first after a comment from Mina, he had is realization.

So, he started courting Izuku. Not thag izuku realized this. He brought him flowers on most ‘dates,’ he bought him hero action figures whenever he could, he complimented him until Izuku was red in the face (which was honestly very easy.) Still, izuku remained ignorant to the fact that he was indeed dating Kirishima.

The final tipping point, was due to Uraraka’s help. She was quite tired of watching the two of them pine for each other. It was amusing for the first couple months, watching Kirishima try so hard, and Deku being totally oblivious. However, she took pity on her friends after a while.

So, Uraraka devised a devilish plan to get the two together. She involved Mina, Sero, and kaminari in this plan. What was the plan, you ask? Oh, simply to trap the two in one room until they broke through izuku’s obliviousness.

Kirishima finally “straight” up admitted his feelings, to which Izuku had the sudden realization of “oh my gods, have we been dating this whole time??” Yes, Izuku. Yes you have.

They have two anniversaries after that.

Let’s be honest, they are really, annoyingly, horrifically lovey dovey. Kirishima brags about having “the manliest and bestest boyfriend in the world.” Izuku flaunts his many PowerPoint presentations on how talented and incredible Kirishima is

Uraraka doesn’t know if she did the right thing by helping them. She is so tired

Tsujirou:

Jirou makes playlists for tsu

The few sane ones in class A, I swear

They go on walks in the rain as often as they can

They go for dates in the bookstore too. They each pick out an album and a book for the other to listen to and read

Y’all, they make so much sense togetherrrrr, I’m love them 🥺

Jirou started liking tsu after the crew saved bakugou. Jirou sat with tsu after momo, Iida, kirishima, Todoroki, and izuku apologized and sat with her. They had movie night, and Jirou joined the Bakugou saving crew and tsu with taking well into the night. She just appreciated how much tsu cared

Tsu started liking Jirou after she helped Iida, momo, and izuku try to keep the class in order. She appreciated how diplomatic and calm she was

Jirou would talk to izuku all night long about how gay she was, and how adorable tsu was. So, izuku decided to try and suggest ways for Jirou to ask her out.

She did not end up getting to ask her out though, as Tsu walked up to her the next morning f and asked if she wanted to go on a date. Jirou said yes. Izuku cried

Izujirou:

They make playlists for each other

They go for runs on the beach a lot

They both have insomnia, and often spend time making blanket forts and talking, or FaceTiming and listening to music

Jirou walks into the common room once a week looking for new music. She started liking Izuku after he made a playlist for her for one of these occasions.

They’re both quite awkward when it comes to romance, but neither of them will shy away from facing the truth. So, Jirou made izuku a playlist filled with love songs that reminded her of him and sent it to him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou wrote a love song and told izuku that the song was for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell.

So, then Jirou write analysis about izuku’s quirk for him. Sadly, izuku is dense as hell

So, then, after thinking that Jirou had done so much for him, izuku made her a playlist filled with love songs. Jirou took this to mean that izuku had finally picked up on her feelings, and accepted them.

So, they started to go on dates. Not that izuku knew this, as he is dense as hell. All leading up to izuku finally confessing his feelings on one of their ‘dates,’ to which Jirou responded, “dude, we’re already dating? Aren’t we? I- I thought that was obvious??”

May this awkward couple be forever blessed

Tokoyama:

Goth/prep boyfriends, we love to see it

At least once a day, Aoyama will proclaim that Tokoyami “shines almost as bright as he does, in his fabulous emo way”

They sword fight, and come up with really dramatic scenarios and scenes that they’re in

They bond over being in the izucrew and their shared love of swords. Aoyama took fencing classes in middle school, and Tokoyami got into sword fighting after watching it in pirates of the Caribbean as a young child. He is self taught and watched countless videos on the art of sword fighting

Tokoyami asked Aoyama our by dramatically presenting him with a dagger and going “will you accompany me on a formal outing as my lover?”

Shinyama:

They flirt constantly

No really, it’s getting quite annoying. Someone please stop them.

They both plop down in random areas and proclaim their deaths, the difference between them, is that Aoyama will burst into shinsou’s room, and yell “love, I’ve been murdered. Mourn for me” while plopping down on shinsou’s lap. Shinsou can be found laying face down outside aoyama’s door, and when Aoyama goes to open the door, he just goes “I’ve been murdered.”

^^ one time, shinsou did a very fun Halloween prank for this, where he poured fake blood all over himself for Aoyama to find him an hour later, asleep.

Nap dates. Aoyama get glitter all over shinsou’s room

Iiyama:

Aoyama enjoys making Iida blush, obviously. But he takes joy in doing it specifically when class is about to start. Aizawa is tired of his shit

Here is how I think an iiyama conversation might go:

Aoyama: I ask for one thing in this relationship-

Iida: Aoyama, you know that’s a lie-

Aoyama: for my boyfriend to carry me around all day-

Iida: Aoyama, I cannot feasibly do this with class-

Aoyama: and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for 😤

Anyway, Aoyama got carried around all day that day, despite Iida’s blush and Aizawa’s eye twitch

Everyone in the izucrew is close, but Iida and Aoyama started to get close after Iida told the crew about Stain. Aoyama wanted Iida to know that he wasn’t alone, and that he wanted to help him. So he started packing extra cheese for lunch and giving it to Iida. Iida was very confused at first. But this was Aoyama trying to court him. This was only made apparent by momo and Jirou telling Iida that this was aoyama’s attempt at expressing romantic interest.

Aoyama flirts with everyone, that’s just who he is. But with Iida? Oh it was tenfold. The poor boy was red in the face constantly. Aoyama was a persistent little bugger too, following him around and calling him ‘mon amour’

Kirikamideku:

My dearest traffic light trio, I’m love them

They train together, and kiri and kami always appreciate izuku’s analysis snd ideas

Kiri falls even more in love with izuku and kaminari when they go off on rants. Izuku rants and kami can keep up with him so he asks questions about it. Kiri loves to watch his boyfriends go on rants, I don’t make the rules, but I do enforce them

They started to get closer after kami and kiri found bakugou causing a ptsd flashback (could be on purpose of an accident, up to the reader.) they stated with him and tried to talk him through it. After this, izuku started to tell them about having been a “late bloomer” and being bullied, etc. (I don’t know, man; I tend to over share after flashbacks and after panic attacks)

Izuku tutors them in several subjects, but kami tutors them in English. Kiri just falls in love with his smart boyfriends

Izuku is teaching kami JSL and kami is helping izuku with English and Italian (personal headcanon that Italian has been one of kami’s special interests) kiri loves to listen to them, and finds it relaxing and calming to hear them do this. When he has panic attacks, he’ll ask them to tutor each other in different languages

[cloudninetonine]

A past that still haunts me

A/N: Hey guys, it's me (ya boi) I'm back with my still current hyper fixation Genshin Impact and a vent fic because I've been really stressed and well, it's hard living in my house :) It's a hurt/comfort fic because they always get to me and I needed to make something for myself

I am willing to do aftermath where the boys confront the abuser or do scenario but with different characters

Synopsis: You’re not a damsel in distress, you never have been and you never will be, but, well, sometimes you need a hero to rely on and that’s okay

Characters: Diluc, Kaeya, Zhongli and Childe

Warnings: Hints to past abuse, confrontation of abuser, violence, mentions of blood, threats, foul language

It had meant to be like any other menial day of an adventurer: sign in with Katheryne, complete your commissions, sign out with Katheryne with your payments - done and dusted.

But that wasn’t how it went, no, far from it - archons, so damn far from it.

“Thank you once again, (Name)” Katheryne’s smile was kind like usual, holding that familiar feeling of gratitude as she handed over your remission within a marked package, hand returning to the desk’s polished surface once you had taken it graciously, sending her a beaming grin back. “The Guild really appreciates your work ethic when it comes to the Ruin machines, it’s hard to come across adventurers who want to handle them anymore”

You sent her a shrug as you placed away the box “Can’t blame them really, they’re a hard bunch to handle- I was terrified of them when I first started too, but I had my vision to help me out, a lot of these folk only use there pure determination to eradicate them, gotta admire that!”

She laughed along with you politely “Have a good evening, (Name), I’ll see you again tomorrow?”

“Of course you will!” You backpedalled away from the guild reception, throwing the woman a polite double fingered salute as you did “Ad astra abyssoque as they say, my fair lady!”

She parrotted back her usual phrase before disappearing into the building, you walking further down the path of the city for your final activity for that day.

Of course, you didn’t reach that far, after all, it wasn’t that menial day you had expected, that you had wanted. Life was cruel sometimes, so incredibly cruel for no justified reason just for the sake of it all and you wished, archons, you wished you could rewind the clock and stop yourself from bumping into the body, to save yourself from all the repressed trauma bursting forth like a flurry of butterflies, well, more like moths, disgusting, ungodly, monster moths that aimed straight for the face.

“Sorry!” You yelped, too preoccupied with gathering your pocketwatch you had dropped in the stumble to see who it had been, after all, you were on a schedule and you didn’t want to be-

“(Name)?”

...late.

All of a sudden, time didn’t seem to exist, or maybe it was moving way too slowly from that horrid spike of adrenaline that shot into your bloodstream as soon as the voice registered.

You hoped to the Archons that it wasn’t, that it couldn’t, but did the gods hear your prayers?

“Oh Archons, it is you! It’s been such a long time!”

Of course, they did, they just didn’t care to listen. Ignoring the cries of your people were in fashion to them these days.

They stood there with a smile so excited it almost seemed to tear their face in half, with eyes sparkling with recognition after so many years away from them, they opened their arms welcoming you into their embrace like it was something just so normal for the two of you like you would come bounding to them like a lost puppy who had finally found their master.

The fear of your abuser dwarfed in comparison the pure feral rage and loathing to think that they even deserved to be breathing in the same space as you.

People were looking, of course, they were looking, you knew what they were doing, being bright and jovial, bringing others attention towards you both so that whatever scene you caused would be your fault like you were the bad guy. It was old tactics, of course, you wouldn’t dare do anything when you were younger, you’d just push through it, but this wasn’t old times, this wasn’t younger you, scared, smaller you afraid them, this was you now, a warrior, unwavering in battle, a person who smiled in the face of danger, who laughed at the pitiful fights that 2- no- 4 abyss mages brought to you!

To hell what other people thought, you’d stomp their head into the cobblestone if they had so much as poked you.

“Come here and give me a-”

You took a step back, mustering the deadliest face you could, but you wavered, it was only natural, no matter how much you could try to hype yourself up, this person was your first true experience of real-life nightmares, the first person to bring you true pain, no matter how many ruin guards, hunters, millachurls, mages- anything you faced, nothing could prepare you to face your first fear:

The fear of your older sibling.

“If you fucking touch me I’ll stab you-” The growl cracked nearing the end, you were always an angry crier but you were not about to fall back to this- this monster. “In front of all these people, I won’t hesitate”

Their face dropped followed by your stomach, though, the food you had for lunch sure did feel its way up your gullet.

“What’s with your language? We haven’t seen each other in four years and this is how you treat me? Your older sibling?” They laughed in disbelief because onlookers would think they were shocked, I mean, how could you speak to family like that? But they didn’t know, they didn’t know the words they had told you, the insults, the threats, those tight grabs, those beatings- they didn’t know, so they obviously didn’t know that the shock came from the fact that you had stood up to them.

You licked your lips to get rid of the dryness, but the problem you faced was that your mouth had dried out along with them, as did your throat.

Don’t let them turn this on you, don’t let them get the upper hand, you were better than them, so much better.

“You’re not my fucking sibling” You spat, feeling the air vibrate around you, a sudden shine from your cloak hinted you to the cause “You haven’t been for a long time, don’t fucking try that shit with me”

There it was, that familiar enraged spark, that look of hatred on their face, the thing that warned you about what you said had been the right thing to set them off, that they were just as easily triggered by the smallest act of rebellion just like when you were kids.

Of course, they hadn’t changed.

Evil never did.

They took a step forward but you didn’t back off, just hardened your resolve as they leaned in menacingly, as though their stupid little intimidation tactic still worked after all these years.

You told yourself it didn’t but you knew deep down that wasn’t completely true.

“Don’t speak to me like that, (Name)” Facade gone, they showed you what they really were, what they were really like after all, “Don’t you ever speak to me like that, you show me fucking respect”

Respect?

RESPECT!?

Oh Archons, you were angry, no, seething from the thought that they ever deserved respect.

That pathetic piece of shit, that gruelling pleb, mere gum on the bottom of your damn shoe-

You’d kill them, right here, right now.

You felt the familiar materialisation begin to form in your hand when another voice called out, a familiar loving one that nearly made your throat swell from relief.

“(Name)?”

Diluc

He could sense the tension. Of course, he could sense the tension, Diluc had faced this tension so many times before, he was practically the one that owned such a vibe anytime Kaeya even breathed near him for a second longer than necessary.

But being the one to witness it, to see you, the usual awkward, goofy sweetheart stare at another with such overbearing malice made him uneasy, caused his stomach to churn in ways he didn’t like, set him off in a way that was only reserved for the most chilling on moments.

Diluc wondered what exactly this stranger had done to warrant such a reaction from you.

“(Name)?” The redhead called, glancing around the many citizens of Mondstadt that watched the exchange with intrigue, guard and worry, eyes focused on the scene of this foreign stranger and fuming you, hand poised by your side with weapon particles dancing on your palm.

When Diluc finally made it over, his form seemed to curl protectively around you, hand landing on the small of your back delicately while keeping face with the person, eyes narrowed dangerously but still holding an air of civilness.

A true gentleman, even when you were close to merking some rando.

“Is there a problem?”

The stranger straightened immediately, backing up a few steps with their hands up in defence, sending Diluc a charming smile that the man could see through crystal clear.

“No problem, no problem at all” They glanced back at you, seemingly friendly despite his partner’s obvious ill intent that radiated off you in waves “Isn’t that right, (Name)?”

Diluc saw you tense up once again, the buzz from your Vision rising in volume with your obvious anger as you tightened your first, ready to just screw your weapon and go for the throat.

“If that is the case” The noble’s hand softly pressed against your back, gently but coaxing, knowing that conflict in the middle of the town centre would just bring the knights to meddle in affairs that they had no business attending “Then we shall be going”

“There’s no need to leave, after all, my sibling and I were just chatting”

He paused, shouldering a questioning glance your way but at the sight of your unruly expression, he pushed down his enquiries and once again began coaxing you away from the scene. Angel’s Share had already been open for a while, meaning the usual folk would already be settled in, but the storage room was sure to be a good place to chat and to calm you down, all he needed to do was get you away.

“We already had plans” The side glance had the stranger- your sibling, biting their tongue, brows furrowing in a known annoyance as the two of you began your way towards the pub, you still vibrating in anger. “Good day to you”

The two of you had made it a few feet when they called out once again “Don’t worry, (Name), I’ll see you again real soon”

Diluc’s arm tightened around you faster than you could react, tugging you away quickly “Diluc-”

“No, (Name)”

“Stay out-”

“Not here” Sharing a look, he softened at the shine in your eyes. “You’ll just attract the knights' attention”

You didn’t care, no, not one bit. If the knights had dared to interfere at that moment, they too would have been caught up in your blinded revenge, thrown aside or slashed down without single care just to finally eradicate the bane of your existence and you didn’t care about what consequences you brought about, you just didn’t and you made sure to tell Diluc that, as soon as you had the privacy of Angel’s Share’s storeroom, pacing up and down while he stood off to the side against the wall, watching silently.

“You had no right to get in my way!” You snapped, voice shaking from the pure emotions you were releasing “I finally had my chance, I was finally going to do it! They deserve to end by my hand, by my decision, after the years of torture they put me through! They deserved it! And you got in my way! How could you get in my way! I-”

Pushing off the wall, he slowly advanced towards you, carefully, hands out like he was approaching a wounded animal.

“I understand you’re upset-”

“I’m not upset!” You cried at him, stopping mid-step before dropping your head and tightly, grabbing your hair in your hands “I’m not upset! I’m angry! I’m so fucking angry! And I deserve to be fucking angry! I-”

The sob ripped through your throat despite you trying to hold it back, tears finally gathering in your eyes and rapidly falling down your cheeks “You should have let me kill them! I should have had the chance to rid the world of their evil! It’s not fair! It’s not- it’s not fair, I-”

You didn’t bother to fight him when his arms finally wrapped around you, just fell against him as you wept. The pent up rage, fear and sadness from years of repression taking its toll as you cried, your partner whispering sweet words as he raked his hand through your hair gently and leaned his head against yours.

“I’m sorry” His hand held your cheek fondly, ruby red staring back into your own eyes with a softness that made you melt “I didn’t know this meant so much to you, but if you’re willing to tell me, I’ll listen. I’ll always listen”

With another choked sob, you leaned into his hold “Please just hold me for now”

And he did just that.

Kaeya

The captain had promised to meet you at his office, a simple task really but with the lingering presence of Jean and the words ‘There’s so much work that needs to be done’ leaving her lips he bolted, hoping to catch you by the Guild and drag you to Angel Share for your date. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help her, it was just he had already promised you this night and Eula could have always taken his place with paperwork, her threat of “vengeance” as she liked to call it could wait for another day.

It was also due to the fact he had no intentions of filing any paperwork for as long as he could avoid it, but that was his secret to be kept.

Being the perspective man he was, he could tell straight away he had walked into something tense, surveying the surrounding people of Mondstadt who looked on in concern, the unbridled rage upon your face, the obviously intimidating lean that the stranger held over you- something was wrong and he knew he had to put a stop to it.

“(Name)?” You glanced for a single moment before your furious glare had returned to the stranger, another flag waving right in his face as he approached, “My dear? Who might this be?”

Before you could snap, lip curling in disgust, the stranger stood back to their full height, switching quickly with a fake charming smile that practically mirrored his own, holding out their hand towards him “(S/N) (Last), (Name)’s older sibling. it’s nice to meet you”

Kaeya’s smile widened and despite the glare from you that was now focused on him, he shook your sibling's hand in-kind “Kaeya Alberich, (Name)’s partner-”

He made sure to tighten his grip with his last words “And Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius”

Successfully, as he always was, Kaeya held back the smug, mocking grin that itched to climb onto his face when the neck of your sibling bobbed nervously, forehead reflecting the afternoon light as sweat gathered on their brow.

The man hadn’t obviously threatened them, surely, Kaeya was smarter than that, but then again, he could still present himself as a threat, a good one and well, his title was a menacing one when it came to the right moment. ‘Try anything and not only do I have the authority to kick your arse but the power to put you in a place many didn’t dare even step’ shortened into an innocent sentence with only 8 words.

“Cavalry Captain? That’s quite impressive” They laughed off, tugging away their hand awkwardly when Kaeya continued to keep a firm grip, his present eye focused solely on your siblings face. They glanced over to you “Quite an achievement for you, aye (Name)?”

You growled, “I’ll show you an achievement-”

Kaeya’s arm had wrapped around your waist not a second later, tugging you tighter to his side as the two of you turned, the man throwing your sibling a smile over his shoulder.

“As nice as it was to meet you, (S/B), we must be going”

And then without another word Kaeya dragged you away, heading in the direction of your home instead of Angel Share tavern, feeling your pure, unfiltered anger the whole way along with the citizens as they parted ways, rushing off from your rage.

It was only when you had returned to the sanctuary of your abode did you snap, jerking away from your boyfriend with angered strides and beginning your seething lecture towards him, moving up and down through the living room while he ventured off into the kitchen, grabbing 2 glasses and a bottle of wine.

“How dare you Kaeya! How fucking dare you! Do you have any idea what you were doing back there!? What was even happening back there!? So much for being the most observant man in Mondstadt because you seemed pretty dense to me the whole fucking time!” Your hands raked through your hair as you yelled, trying so hard to hold back the tears “I didn’t need your damn help, Kaeya! Nor did I fucking want it! Know to stay out of someone's business when it isn’t wanted!”

Logically you knew what he had done, you were smart like that and you knew Kaeya long enough to know what he was doing but your rage, fear and sadness blocked out everything in that moment, made you blind to reality, made you only think irrationally and Kaeya didn’t blame you for that. He could never blame you for that.

Though, it did hurt him to see you in this state.

“Wine?”

You gawked at him for a moment, staring at him with shock and confusion as he held out a wine glass towards you, another held in his other hand and a sweet smile plastered on his face, before your moment morphed into rage, grabbing the drink from his hand and tossing it towards the wall, the red wine splattering over the wallpaper and glass shards falling to the floor.

“Well, that was a waste-”

“Do you think I’m an idiot, Kaeya!?” You cried, not even bothering to hold back anymore as the tears fell and your voice cracked, hand pointing accusingly in his face “Is this some kind of joke to you!? Huh!? Am I a fool in your eyes!? Some sort of blubbering idiot!? Why must you- why do you-”

The second glass was placed on the dresser by you both, Kaeya’s hand coming to hold your cheek fondly while the other came to grab your hand that dangled in the air, still poised at him “I don’t think you're either of those, my dear, in fact, I think you’re one of the brightest in the whole of Teyvat, nevermind Mondstadt”

You hiccuped “Then why-”

Brushing away the wetness from your cheek, he brought your hand to his mouth to place a fond kiss on your palm “Because you mustn’t cry, (Name), don’t waste your tears on someone like them”

“I’m not crying, I’m-”

He shushed you gently and you finally relaxed, falling into his embrace with a heavy heart “-I’m not, I swear-”

Within the familiarity of your home, you wept in his arms, exhausted from the whirlwind of emotions and the scenes that had transpired that day, ready to just curl into yourself and try to block the flooding memories of history. Although, having Kaeya at that moment helped more than he could ever know, having him to rely on made it all so much easier to cope with that day.

“Tell me what ails you and I’ll listen” Brushing back some hair, he pressed a kiss to your head.

“Can..can we just stay like this for a while?”

“Of course, my dear”

Zhongli

He had sensed the incoming danger like it had been revealed in some sort of premonition. Maybe it had been a skill he had acquired after his long, eventful life, maybe it was his connection to Liyue and his citizens, but for some reason, as he sat before Iron Tongue Tian as the man recalled his tales of ancient Liyue like usual, Zhongli knew that the crowd that was forming around Wamin Restaurant had something that he need urgently attend, especially when even Tian paused his story to glance around the corner of the restaurant building to see the commotion.

When the archon had finally borne witness to the scene, he paused within the crowd, surveying the surroundings carefully. You were the centre of attention, along with another stranger, both glaring at one another with anger and disgust, though your own anger seemed to double compared to the other’s, seeing as your weapon was slowly materialising in your grip. Zhongli could also see Guild Master Lan making her way down the steps leading to the Guild reception, a worried expression on her face glancing between you and the approaching Millelith.

Zhongli made his decision, politely pushing through the crowd until he had finally made it by your side, hand being placed gently on your arm “(Name)?”

Both you and the stranger glanced at him, but he paid no mind to them, only held eye contact with you when Lan appeared by your other side, glaring at the stranger with a hardened gaze.

“Are you harassing my guild member?”

Before the stranger could respond, the Millelith had also popped in, glancing between you and them “Is there a problem?”

Zhongli had taken up your view when Lan began her take, she had borne witness for much longer than he had of course and he was certain that you were in no state to talk to the guards. Your eyes were glazed with hatred, pupils pinpricks in a sea of (E/C) and your hands were shaking, balled into fists.

If anything, he needed to try and calm you down first.

“Get the hell out of my way, Zhongli” Your teeth ground together, words shaking with anger “Don’t push yourself into my business”

“I’m sorry, my love, but I can’t do that” He tried brushing your cheek but you jerked away, glaring at his hand before glaring back at him, in no mood to be coddled “I don’t want you to do something you’d regret”

“Trust me, I won’t regret this one bit”

Zhongli held his tongue for the question that almost rolled out, knowing now wasn’t the time for inquiries when the stranger’s voice rang out, condescending and snarky as they addressed you.

“Still need people to protect you, aye (Name)? Of course, you’re still the same pathetic bitch from years ago”

You were lucky for your reputation around Liyue, for the picture of the kind and caring adventurer that had swept through the town from your years of living here because had it not been for that, you pushing aside your boyfriend and materialising your weapon to aim it at your sibling’s throat would have had you in cuffs that instant.

Lan grabbed you, tugging you away as you screamed “I’ll show you pathetic you fucker! Let me go!”

The Millelith didn’t wait to drag your sibling away, much to their cries of dismay, one sending Lan a nod while you continued to fight against her, crying out in frustration.

“Kid, you have to calm down-”

“Calm down!? No! Get the hell off me!”

Zhongli watched as you finally broke away, huffing and puffing up a storm before glancing amongst the crowd, staring at their worried and concerned faces, your own eyes tearing up before you looked away pushing past the crowd to find somewhere to be alone.

When Lan went to call out for you, Zhongli raised his hand, the two sharing a look before the archon made his way after you, his longer legs keeping a steady pace to which he could catch up to you, just beyond the bridge that led into Liyue Harbour. There were no people where you stood, just the lush green plants and great mountains of nature, a perfect place for you to let out your frustration without the prying eyes of the citizens.

“(Name)-”

“Leave me alone!” You cried, curling into yourself with your back turned to him “I don’t want you here, Zhongli! Nor did I want you back there! I didn’t need your or anyone else's help!”

You knew he was here from a place of concern, and deep down you begged that your words didn’t harm him in any way, but currently, you didn’t care, you didn’t want to care, you just wanted to be numb, numb to the flashbacks of your horrid past and numb to the feelings that were dragged along with them.

“My love, please, return with me to our home, I will brew some calming tea-”

“Tea? Tea!? Does it look like I want any fucking tea?! I couldn’t care any less about some fucking tea, Zhongli!” Spinning around on your heels, you scowled at him, not bothering to hide your rushing tears “Don’t you get it!? I want to be left alone, I-”

Two gloved hands gently encased your face, your angered expression morphing into one of shock as your partner stared down at you with glowing eyes filled with a deep-rooted love, affection, worry and so much more that you couldn’t put into mere mortal words. At that moment, everything felt as if it had melted away, only you and him were in this world, nothing else, just the two of you.

And you felt as though your heart had been lifted from the pressures of this life.

“I do not think it is best for you to be left alone” His baritone voice was always so calming, so serene and in your sane moment, you finally felt its effects “I wish to stay with you, so please, let me stay”

With a whimper, you grabbed onto his forearms and leaned your face into his hands, tears continuing to fall as your eyes fluttered shut “Okay…”

“They have hurt you deeply, haven’t they?”

Hesitantly, you nodded.

“Would you be so kind as to tell me the details?”

“I-...” Sharing eye contact once again, you whispered “Can- can you just...hold me for now? Please”

Moving his hands from your face, he engulfed you in his arms, leaning his head against yours “Of course”

Childe

The Harbinger had just left the Northland Bank, hell, he was just about to make his way down the spiral staircase but when hearing the commotion, he paused, something in his gut telling him to check just before and he was glad he did.

Glancing over the elevated walkway, he felt a fiery pit roar in the depths of his stomach, eyes narrowing dangerously at the scene; you were snarling in some other person’s face, their own face nothing short of disgust and a crowd that only seemed to grow by the minute.

Who the hell did this person think they were? Did they even know who you were? To stand so close to you, with a look of threat on their face like you weren’t about to kick their arse? Like he wasn’t about to kick their arse? How did this insignificant speck of dross not know your connections with him, the 11th Harbinger? Or did he know and was just trying his luck?

“Seems like someone has a death wish” And a death wish they had indeed.

Ignoring the perplexed glance from his subordinate stationed outside the building's entrance, Childe made his way down the steps, murderous look stitched on the whole way to the circle of civilians, the mass parting ways for the man that was Tartaglia and continuing to watch the moment in silence.

“Who the hell are you-” You both turned towards him, you in shock while the stranger stared in confusion until Childe’s hand wrapped around their collar, tugging them closer to look down at them with a deep-rooted disgust “-And why the hell are you harassing my partner?”

They fought against him, obviously, they did, but the surprise came when you saddled up next to him, grabbing his arm “Stay out of this, Tartaglia”

What? It hadn't been your request, no, you were always one to finish your whole fights you weren't "A damsel in distress after all!" no, you were so much more, so much greater but that look on your face, murderous and downright cruel- he just couldn't believe his ears.

Childe stared at you in shock while the stranger struggled, throwing him a dirty look in their attempts “Yeah, this is between my sibling and I”

Childe straightened in surprise, feeling embarrassment flood his system. Had he seriously just grabbed and threatened his lover’s family member? Oh, Archons, his judgement had been clouded by anger at the look of the scene, I mean, why would your sibling look at you that way-

“But it’s really no surprise that you still need to be babied, (Name), how shameful”

His eyes widened but not a moment later had you tackled your sibling, the crowd crying out in alarm as you threw back your fist and crushed their nose under the weight of your punch. “I’ll show you fucking shameful, bastard!”

There was shouting and a glance showed the oncoming Millelith marching towards the circle.

Being Fatui always did garner the attention of the guards nowadays, especially for him, who had tried to lure out the attention of their Archon by summoning an ancient god that nearly drowned the entirety of the harbour, so it was no surprise that they seemed to hurry in the pursuit when they noticed his appearance at the scene. However, lucky for him, your reputation as a great adventurer preceded you and throughout Liyue you were seen as a trusted and well-liked individual, meaning whatever trouble you got in, containing his meddling or not, was usually waved away due to the trust of the people.

So, without another thought, Childe tugged you off of your bloodied sibling and held you close, even as you thrashed violently, shouting at him to let you go.

“What is going on here?” A guard called, slamming the hilt of his polearm into the ground as he surveyed the area, eyes landing on the sibling before following the small trail of blood to you, still fighting against your boyfriend with threats falling from your lips “Was there a reason for this brawl? Who started it?”

As your sibling raised themselves on their forearms, they scowled and opened their mouth to respond, only for Childe to put in. “It was them, sir, they were the one that started it, (Name) was merely acting in self-defence”

The Millelith scowled at him, raising a brow and once again looking you over “Is that so?”

He addressed the crowd soon after “Is this what happened?”

And as expected, they all glanced over the sibling, then to you and piped up in agreement. It paid to be a hero, it seemed, the whole harbour returning the favour of years of helping out the community.

“If that’s the case, please come with us” The sibling cried out, anger and fear laced into their voice, trying to argue for their innocence only for the guards to grab them, hauling them away to archons know where while Childe did the same with you, slowly dragging you away from the scene and back into the bank, you screaming and cursing the whole way until you had made it to his office, finally managing to push him off and storming to the opposite side of the room practically seething.

“Who the hell do you think you are, Tartaglia!?” You cried, throwing out your arms in exaggeration “I didn’t need your fucking help! And why the fuck would you pull me off them!? I had them right where I wanted them and you fucking did that! Are you a moron!?”

“You had a sibling” He breathed, watching as you began to pace, muttering in an angered state “And you didn’t tell me”

“-after all these years I finally had the chance to end their pathetic excuse of a life and you just got in my fucking way! I’d waited too long for this moment and you fucking ruined it! How dare you, how fucking dare you-”

“(Name), why didn’t you tell me you had a sibling!?” He cried, walking up to you and grabbing your wrist to stop you “I was ready to kill them right there! And why are you talking about them like this!? They’re your family aren’t they-”

“They are not my fucking family!”

The scream echoed through the room, chilling Childe to the core as you ripped your arm from his grasp, running your hands through your hair before gripping it so tightly it felt close to being ripped from your head. But you didn’t care, no, you couldn’t, you were so angry and you needed something to keep you grounded, to keep yourself from losing yourself and getting lost in those haunting past memories.

The Harbinger felt his chest squeeze painfully as the tears fell down your face, red rimming your eyes and cheeks wet as you sobbed, chest heaving from trying to breathe “Family takes care of you! Family thinks of you in the highest light possible! They love you for who you are and they love you no matter what! That bastard hurt me, made me feel worthless and they refuse to believe they could do no wrong and I hate them! They are the bane of my existence! They are not my fucking family! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I-”

Arms were around you instantly, Childe’s face pressed into your hair as you wept, grasping onto the lapels of his suit and shoving your face into his chest to muffle your cries.

“I’m sorry” He whispered, his own eyes shining slightly “I’m sorry, I was being insensitive. Please, don’t cry”

“No, I’m not crying, I promised myself I wouldn’t-” You hiccuped “I wouldn’t waste any more tears on them-”

Then you broke off into more wails, your boyfriend holding you close and letting you continue to cry in his arms, warm and comforting until you were finally reduced to whimpers, leaning into him heavily as the remaining adrenaline in your body began to wear thin when he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Will...will you tell me about it?”

You sniffed “Later...just hold me for now, please, Ajax...”

His arms tightened protectively “Anything for you, my love”